C02 - Ep. 50 - Finale in Faunaloch - Unloching A Secret

This episode is brought to you by Life Lock.

It's Cybersecurity Awareness Month, and Lifelock has tips to protect your identity.

Use strong passwords, set up multi-factor authentication, report phishing, and update the software on your devices.

And for comprehensive identity protection, let LifeLock alert you to suspicious uses of your personal information.

LifeLock also fixes identity theft, guaranteed or your money back.

Stay smart, safe, and protected with a 30-day free trial at lifelock.com/slash podcast.

Terms apply.

Welcome to PERMA Power Talk, your premier podcast for the latest in lubrication automation and plant reliability.

Dive deep with us into the world of industrial lubrication and industrial automation, gaining expert insights.

Get exclusive behind-the-scenes access at our company, understanding how technologies are shaping the future of industries.

Watch our latest episode today.

By the time I hit my 50s, I'd learned a few things.

Like how family is precious.

Work can always wait.

And 99% of people over 50 already have the virus that causes shingles.

Not everyone at risk will develop it, but I did.

The painful, blistering rash disrupted my life for weeks.

Don't learn about your shingles risk the hard way.

Talk to your doctor or pharmacist today.

Sponsored by GSK.

Top of the morning, all you Toffets.

Stomp on into the stinky dragon, quaff our latest coffee,

belly full of heli.

It's a mixture of Java lava, charred chocolate sauce, whole fat milk, minus the milk, a grappling of rum cracker crumbs, and topped with a hearths of harsh mellows.

One sip of this scorching sauce, you'll have a tummy ache that can only be described as lit.

Jeez.

Previously, our adventurers were arrested in Atro City, met a menace in Mosquetin, uncovered a carcassukku, grasped the gims of Glurp, proved passe in Parish, unveiled vengeance in Vania, and find themselves in a finale in Fonilok.

Latch onto a libation.

Let's unlock this lock of lore.

You know, there's words you read first and don't know how they're pronounced.

Yeah, one of them for me was hearths.

And I remember getting into World of Warcraft and there being a hearthstone, which is what you use to go home all the time.

And I remember the first time I got into voice chat and I said hearth, and everyone made fun of me.

Yeah, get out of here.

And let me tell you, being made fun of by a bunch of wow nerds

of embarrassment.

Very nice.

Well, Barbara has to have inspiration for that.

Yeah, that's definitely inspiration.

We do need one.

Yay!

The other one I love is Biopic and Biopic.

That one I feel like both is right, though, because I've heard both, people argue on both sides of how

my cousin at one time was reading a book, and she was like, oh, look, ignore a moose.

Oh, ignore Amus.

Took me a second.

Yeah, yeah.

Hello, everyone.

I'm Gustavus Rolo, the Dungeon Master of our Future Party.

I'm going to hit our four players with an arrow.

Yes, not him.

Yaven's mine.

Yaven and Yaven.

This week's role-playing warm-up question is: What does your character want to be known for?

Oh, like remembered for?

Oh, Barney Varney.

Barney's still pushed his way to the front.

He has to go to the bathroom.

I'm Kristen Maris, and I play Barney Varney, the human cleric.

I'd rather not be known at all.

Oh.

But if I was known for anything, I'd just like to be known by my name.

Maybe Barney.

Hi, Barney.

Why is it?

Do you prefer Barney over Barnabas?

It's a little easier.

So it's more for other people's convenience.

My mom started calling me Barney and it stuck.

We're going to start calling you Bus.

Bus.

Hey, bussy.

I'm just going to start calling you Arnabis.

Take that B away.

Like Topher.

Be different.

I just want to hear Barney say girls just to be able to do it.

No, then it'd be E different.

Oh.

Arnabis.

No, because you say B different, but take the B away and be E different.

We do jokes here.

This is fun.

Turn it off.

Comedy.

The last episode of this campaign, and we're still figuring it out.

Hey there, it's God, did it again.

Blenn Gibson.

I play the Tiefling Rogue, Level 9, Chip Haney.

And And I want to be remembered for just three small things.

Three little things.

And no particular order.

I want to be known as the world's kindest assassin.

All right.

Kill him with a smile.

That's what I always said.

I want to be known as.

Have you ever said that once in this whole campaign?

Oh, God.

What a missed opportunity.

What a shirt I could have had.

Oh, well.

The other thing is, I want to be known as the world's most loving husband.

And then this last one makes me really emotional.

I want to be known as having the best lawn in my neighborhood.

Sorry, I can't make it emotional.

It's allergies, right?

You're allergic to grass?

Yeah, I just cut the grass as I always do every morning.

You want people to walk by and be like, wow.

Yeah, there's a dude in my neighborhood that actually cuts like every one or two days.

And his grass is the freshest grass.

That could never be me.

Why?

Because it's so nice.

You walk by and you're like, oh.

My grandmother loved her lawn so much.

Yeah.

She cut it with scissors and a ruler.

Oh, my God.

You said that before.

That is, that's maddening.

I hate that so much.

It had to be perfect.

She wanted it like a certain height.

Yes, and it had to be uniform.

That makes me sad.

Gus is a boiler.

I also like, I imagine the reality situation.

She cuts her grass and then measures it to make sure it's right with the ruler.

I pictured you going from section to section with the ruler.

I think the section did it.

No way.

Her lawn also had, she lived on a hill, hill, so it kind of sloped down, so it would be difficult to use a machine or a mower.

And she knew she wouldn't hire anyone to do it.

She would do it herself with scissors and a ruler.

If you don't mind my asking, how long did she live to be?

Or how old did she live?

Early 80s, probably 83, 84, somewhere on this.

Something about like hard-working, active old people that just keep going for forever.

Yeah, like Barney.

Yeah.

300 and Gordon.

Hello, I'm Barbara Donkelman.

Thank you guys for being here today with us on Tales from the Sneaky Dragon.

And my voice Elko von Bra, the Half-Elf Empire barbarian, also level 9.

Thank you so much.

Pew, pew, pew, pew.

Could have gone to 10.

Nice around the even number, but no.

Maybe after this episode.

Maybe.

If we survive,

you won't.

I think at first Elka didn't really have a whole lot of like aspirations for how she wanted to be remembered or known for,'cause, you know, she just spent her whole life in the vampire, so she was kind of sheltered.

But now, I think Elka wants to know be known for being brave.

Okay.

And for helping people, because she's seen a lot of hardship in this last week.

And

it's really changed her.

Been hard on Chip.

The look on your face, Barbara, as you looked up to determine the timeline, that should

encapsulate.

It's that, but also that Duncan's been telling this story over the course of a night.

But if it's like 50 episodes and it's popped up, it's like an hour each.

How long has it been?

Yeah, these are long.

Well, you think of it this way.

It's more like he's telling the story.

50 cocktails.

You're right, Chris.

But you are the story.

So it's like the story he's telling may be a summary of these events.

Yeah.

You're not hearing the actual story he's telling.

This is the basis for the story.

Getting a little meta here.

Anyways,

they got lost to the vampire.

Just so-and-so died.

It's like four hours trunk in a sentence.

I feel like him, like that's when Gus says, find out next week.

Is Duncan saying that?

Yeah.

Oh, keeping people coming back.

Yeah.

That's a good marketing for a year.

Yeah.

That's actually a really good strategy to get people to come visit your establishment.

It's like trivia night, but worse.

That's me.

Hi, my name is John Reisinger.

I play Matit Confisus, who's an Eric Cochrane ghost monk.

We're still going to make John do that no matter what campaign we're doing.

You know, I'm not necessarily trying to make my mark on this world in any sort of way, but it's ironic, Duncan, Monsieur Duncan, that you keep asking these questions and pouring these drinks because what I want to be known for is making the perfect latte.

Oh,

I was

away from baking in

barista.

But a good coffee drink goes perfect with almost every baking,

every baking venture.

Yes, coffee and croissants, delicious.

Yes.

You have those every morning in the vampire, right?

My favorite.

I can survive off of bread and coffee only.

That's John speaking now.

That's me.

Did Mateed break the fourth wall?

Are we talking to Duncan now?

Director?

That's who's doing the arrow the whole time.

Rip, are we talking to Duncan?

I like to think Duncan is like the interviewer in those confession booths.

Yeah.

They're just sitting right off camera and they're like, okay, well, tell us what you think about this.

It's like BTS talking head stuff for the story.

Just like a documentarian who's been getting all this information from us beforehand and now he's telling the story.

We're jumping around in timelines.

I watch a lot of like reality shows, including a lot of like

dating reality shows.

And so I think of like Love Island when they're in those confessional booths.

And they're like, yeah, this new bird came in.

She's Rotten Fit.

I'm talking about the Rupa Drag Race set, so it's bright pink behind me.

I'm throwing shade at all of my ladies.

What reality show are Barney and Mate in?

What show?

Aren't those

ones where they just drop a person by themselves on an island?

Oh, is it naked in a friend?

Yeah, that's that's Matee.

Oh, okay.

It seems nice.

You've got like a jungle background.

Yeah.

Is Barney on a, what was it?

Welcome to your life or this American life or whatever.

What?

Just like the original reality show?

This is your life.

Yeah.

Barney's on Big, Big, Big, Big Brother.

It's like grand, grand, grand.

Barney would be on like Jerry Springer because it'd be like, oh, you are the father.

Barney's dancing.

Dieter mind.

Dieter mind?

Determined.

That's another one.

I did that one way later

when I was way too old.

Mike was like,

what?

That's not even what we're asking or talking about.

What I thought about what reality show was Barney on?

Dietermind.

He's deeterminded to tell you.

The next episode of Dieter Mind.

I don't watch a lot of reality.

Maybe, maybe Nathan, for you.

Yeah, maybe you guys just laid right here.

Well, if you're sure, we'll be right here when you get back.

I feel like they're not going to wait here.

Alright, we go in.

Dive, dive, dive.

Yeah.

With a splash, you submerge beneath the blue, viscous liquid and feel the fluid envelop your body.

All of a sudden, you hear the temple above you collapse with a crash.

Bones and stone debris drift into the lockwood, sinking past you out of sight.

As darkness swallows your vision, something in the distance softly glows.

The faint luminescence casts a shadow on the back of something right in front of you.

It's the silhouette of Jaws.

The silhouetted jaws lurch forward toward you all.

Everyone, make a dexterity-saving throw.

Oh, I thought it was like a skellington.

Well, I rolled the 19.

27.

15.

Barney?

Oh, sorry.

Barney has a 22.

Thank you, Barbara.

Everyone manages to quickly swim out of the way, except for Chip.

And the jaws come down, envelop you, and then just continue falling past you.

What?

Do you realize now it's just a sculpture of jaws?

Oh.

It's a sculpture depicting what you think might be the great moth that just happened to be falling and

went around you.

That was funny, right, gay?

Just avoid the water near me.

It's awfully warm.

Yeah.

Warm the water.

Yeah, are we able to like communicate with each each other down here?

Not right now.

If you have some way of like telepathically communicating, obviously, you know, that'll work.

But anything that requires actual like

speaking would be difficult.

You can try.

We can have fun with it.

Should Mate speak?

Because Mate doesn't require oxygen.

Yeah, yeah.

So Mate is making sound without oxygen.

But it might be difficult for them to hear because the sound is traveling through a lockwid instead of air.

So I need to yell.

Yes, and it might still be muffled.

So you all are in a smallish chamber made of what appears to be some kind of ancient stone, and there's something scattered on the floor.

And in the center of the chamber is a set of jaws.

Is it a bunch of pennies on the floor?

Do people throw them in for wishes?

Maybe.

Maybe it's hemo pieces.

No.

Trying to tempt Mate.

To the east is an unnatural opening in the stone wall, and there seems to be somewhat of a faint glow coming from it.

Elga points to it and goes,

and what a great podcast is going on.

She starts swimming towards it.

I swim to it, the hole in the wall with the glow.

Yeah.

Barney sinks because I realize he is chainmail.

Well, luckily, you have also advantage on strength-based checks, right?

Oh, shoot, I do.

Yeah,

it kind of played out for you.

Yes,

you can also grab onto Chip's tail if you need.

While they're investigating that hole, I want to see what's scattered on the floor.

Yeah, make an investigation check for me.

17.

Everyone seems to be focused on the opening to the east, but Mate, you look down at the floor and you see what appear to be scattered bones on the floor.

It appears that maybe they all originated from a box that fell from the temple above.

And judging by the size, these must have been huge creatures.

And amongst all the bones on the ground there, you see a scroll.

We're sure it's not Henry's bones, right?

Giant bones.

Stop it.

Oh, sorry.

Stop trying to murder this child.

Well, the thing did collapse on that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But box of bones is interesting.

I grabbed the scroll.

All right, yeah, you grab the scroll.

And I read it without even thinking about it.

Out loud, hoping it's an enchantment.

It's in Latin.

Make me an arcana check.

15.

You recognize it as a scroll of air bubble.

Oh, convenient.

So like Sonic the Hedgehog, water level, air bubble?

Kind of.

This is a little smaller, though.

It allows you to create a spectral globe around the head of a willing creature you can see within range, and the globe is filled with fresh air.

Just one?

Yes.

Yeah, I'm gonna hold on to this.

We're all fine.

We got an hour of being under the water.

Do you?

Oh, no, we don't.

We have an hour in the middle of the middle.

We have an hour of not being affected by the lock quid.

Oh, shoot, I forgot.

Yeah!

I forgot too, because I don't breathe and I don't care.

I'm good.

If we make that little air bubble, could we like pass it around to each other?

I imagine since it's a scroll of enchantment, it's a one-time spell use that goes onto a person.

Yeah, but maybe if you're getting close.

Maybe you could like stick your nose up to it and kind of like siphon off some of the air.

I don't know.

You tell me, guys.

I'm about to kiss them.

Who's not the best breath of the group of us?

I'm about to kiss my father.

Yeah,

we'll play with it.

If you want to try it, we can try it.

Why not?

Okay.

Well, should we maybe swim through this hole first and then?

Yeah.

Yeah, because

D and D rules, you have breath for how long?

You can hold your breath for a number of minutes equal to one plus your constitution modifier.

So whatever your constitution modifier is add one to that and that's how many minutes you can hold your breath so how many uh sound off four so three minutes three minutes wait what what's your constitution modifier it's three so his order four four and and three and three and what's yours infinite oh right because you're yeah okay cool so i'm assuming it's been five seconds

so move quick move quick move quick olga swims towards the the light same

you see an unnatural hole that seems to have been carved in this eastern wall, and it's big enough for, you know, everyone in your party to squeeze through.

And beyond that opening is a faint glow that appears to be just out of view.

Before going in, could we quickly just like glance around and see if there's any other openings or anything else on the ground worth noting?

I'll leave it up to you.

Investigation or perception check?

Perception.

I did another investigation check.

18.

Okay.

He was asking me.

24.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I was joining in to aid

this rider.

I don't need the help.

24.

You don't see anything else other than this box.

Or I should say all the bones that appear to have fallen out of the box that fell into here from above.

Does the box have words on it?

No.

Okay.

And I don't recognize what the bones are other than they're a big creature.

Make a history check.

Maybe it's Dragons.

Dragons.

That was two ones.

Maybe they're people bones.

Oh, wow.

Big people.

Can I glance back at those bones to see what they mean?

Sure, make a history check.

It's like in the the Flintstones when Fred would get the giant rack of ribs that would tilt his car over.

There was an eight.

Yeah, definitely someone was having a barbecue.

This is like the leftover rib bones.

This is probably just where they tossed them after they were done.

We'll probably figure out eventually.

Sure.

Who cares?

Bones through the hole.

Yeah, Elga swims through the hole.

I

swim through the hole.

Oh, I want to do that thing that gives me advantage on initiative.

I'm calling it now.

Do you need to speak to cast that?

I don't think so.

No.

Let me check.

I like that.

The initial knee-jerk reaction is, no.

Wait, hold on.

I actually have no idea.

You know who also does that?

My children.

Well, please down it.

It just says,

I can just do it.

No, but what's the component?

It just, no, literally, the description says just do it.

It just

switched.

That's an action.

I just give one creature advantage on the initiative.

Yeah, it's a vigilant blessing.

Yeah, it says you give one creature, you touch.

All right, touch myself.

When I think of it.

Let's chip it.

Inappropriate.

Let's chip you on it.

I think you're good having it.

Go through the hole.

You bless yourself.

I do.

Hello, everybody.

John Reising here to talk to you about business.

I'm a business owner.

I've started my own business in the last year.

Well, I started my own.

I did it with six other people.

But one thing we couldn't predict when we started this whole shebang was how many different hats we all were going to have to wear to make this thing work.

But I've got some good news.

I got one hat you can pass off to someone else, and that someone else is your new business partner, Shopify.

Shopify is fantastic.

It's the commerce platform behind millions of businesses all around the world and 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S.

I mean, they've even got people like Mattel using their product.

It's pretty fantastic.

So I want to let you know you can turn your big business idea into some real.

You want to use Shopify and get them on your side.

And you can sign up for your one dollar per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com slash dragon that's right if you go to shopify.com slash dragon you can get a little discount you can start your business make some money and you do that all once again by going to shopify.com slash dragon thanks y'all

The holidays sneak up fast, but it's not too early to get your shopping done and actually have fun doing it.

Uncommon goods makes holiday shopping stress-free and joyful with thousands of one-of-a-kind gifts you can't find anywhere else.

Uncommon goods looks for products that are high quality, unique, and often handmade or made in the U.S.

Many are crafted by independent artists and small businesses and because they're made in small batches, the best wines can sell out fast.

My partner actually got me a lovely gift from Uncommon Goods.

It's a custom embroidered sweatshirt with my dog Dutch.

It's got his face on it and it's cute and fuzzy.

It's my favorite sweatshirt.

It makes me think of my puppy and is a great gift.

So Uncommon Goods is something for everyone from moms and dads to kids and teens, from book lovers, history buffs, and diehard football fans to foodies, mixologists, and avid gardeners.

You'll find thousands of new gift ideas that you won't find anywhere else.

And with every purchase you make at Uncommon Goods, they give back $1 to a nonprofit partner of your choice.

They've donated more than $3 million to date.

So shop early, have fun, and crawl some names off your list today.

To get 15% off your next order, go to uncommongoods.com/slash stinky.

That's uncommongoods.com/slash stinky for 15% off.

Don't miss out on this limited time offer.

Uncommon goods, we're all out of the ordinary.

Fall is here, and with it comes cooler nights, heartier meals, and the craving for something warm and satisfying.

That's where HelloFresh comes in, bringing you comforting chef-designed recipes and fresh seasonal ingredients right to your door.

This season, they've taken things to the next level with their biggest menu refresh yet.

Say hello to a whole new way to do dinner.

HelloFresh has doubled its menu.

Now you could choose from a hundred options each week, including new seasonal dishes and recipes from around the world.

Dig into bigger portions that'll keep everyone satisfied.

Also, feel great with an even healthier menu filled with high protein and veggie packed recipes.

HelloFresh now helps you eat greener with new veggie-packed recipes that have two or more veggies.

We've been loving HelloFresh.

We recently got a new box.

One of my new favorites as well is the Chican Dijon Onion Crunch Chicken.

It's amazing, but it's hard to say.

We love it.

And if you're looking for something like this, I highly recommend using HelloFresh.

The best way to cook just got better.

Go to hellofresh.com/slash stinky dragon10FM now to get 10 free meals and a free item for life.

One box with active subscription.

Free meals applied as discount on first box.

New subscribers only varies by plan.

That's hellofresh.com/slash stinky dragon10FM to get 10 free meals and a free item for life.

You all enter a large L-shaped chamber.

The walls, floor, and ceiling are slimy and stained from the blue lockwid.

Bubbling throughout the chamber are a handful of fissures discharging some kind of green gas that's floating up.

And this is still underwater, right?

Yes.

And as far as like L-shaped, are you saying like if we looked up, then it would 90-degree?

Or is it like this?

Is there a corner?

Yeah, like.

Backwards L.

So it's a backwards L.

Okay.

At the bottom left.

Okay, so there's a corner and there's a bunch of fissures streaming out green gas.

Okay, so we just swim up.

Let's just swim up the length of the big L.

I don't know if it's...

Is it L-shaped tall ways or L-shaped like a room that's L-shaped?

Both.

Like imagine that that continues up and then tapers down.

Okay.

At the ceiling.

Okay.

So it's like a chimney.

Like we got a

chimney.

You're looking at a top-down view there, Barbara.

Yeah.

And then it just kind of tapers and gets, gets, you know, forms to a ceiling, almost like a cave at the top.

Okay, okay.

I swim

around the fissures, avoiding the gas.

Everyone make me, before you start swimming, Matid, do me a favor, everyone make me a perception check.

19.

14.

I have advantage on this.

That is a 14 and a.

Where's you at the 14?

11.

And Matida had a 19, right?

Correct.

You're the only one who notices this.

As you enter this room, you catch sight of a disfigured-looking Hugo at the northeast portion of this room.

Oh.

It looks like most of his skin is burned off.

His lips are missing, and so his fangs are just perpetually visible, and they seem to be dripping with some kind of green liquid.

I wonder how he talks to us.

He's really like Nasferatu look.

Outstretched from his back are two bony wings.

Does he look dead?

No, his back is to where you all entered from.

He's looking away, doing something.

Because he came down into this lockwid without the croissant.

so i imagine he's not oh he's probably feeling the effects of this well yeah he got disfigured in that fight with eddie and now he's even more disfigured than he was before that's how eddie got disfigured in the first place right yeah by going in the lockwid losing his skin blockwood apparently takes some people's skin and so sorry what else is in here you said chip skin when he fell in there's a green gas and what else is there in here fissures yeah fissures that are discharging the green gas fissures are like cracks in the floor Gotcha.

Like, so they're spewing it.

Is that from the wall or the floor?

All over, both.

Okay.

How far from Shugo are we?

The room's a fairly decent size and you're on the other side from it.

You have to kind of go straight and then hook a left since the room is L-shaped to get all the way up there.

As the crow, as the Mate flies,

it's probably,

let's say, like 60 feet away.

60 feet.

So should we sneak up on him?

Like maybe get a little grapple on him?

I have an ice arrow.

I don't know if I could freeze the water around him.

Do you have any radiant damage stuff?

Anybody here?

I did.

He is likely vulnerable to radiant damage.

I was thinking we could, like, if we could just sneak up on him and get a good grab on him, then we could get some answers.

But also, like, we're underwater.

We're underwater, yeah.

We're not gonna, I don't know if we could chat with him.

And what is he busy with again?

His back is turned to his back is turned.

And what is he doing?

You can't tell me.

I can't really see.

He's probably playing Game Boy.

Underwater Game Boy.

I don't know.

All this Tetris talking, singing the theme song has a Game Boy on Blaine's mind.

Is there a way to like swim above him where we can look and see what he's doing?

You can try.

I don't think I.

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

McKee is very graceful.

Yeah.

I feel like they would like...

Yeah, nothing more graceful like a bird underwater.

Underwater.

I hear a ghost.

Have you ever seen a duck?

Yeah.

Penguins?

Gotcha.

I don't know if I can get a lot of work.

Penguins are birds.

What?

Well, graceful is what I was going to say.

In the water?

In the water.

Yeah.

I guess on land or very graceful.

Flamingo?

Heard of one?

Like a flamingo.

I charge through the water stealthily.

No, no, no.

He said, flamingo, you're flamingo dancing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's impossible to take a direct straight path to him just because of all the fissures that are releasing gas, unless you want to swim through the gas that comes through.

Oh, could I use my incorporeal movement and go like translucent or whatever you want to call it uh um stuff stuff stuff passes through me what's the word i'm looking for

incorporeal yeah it's incorporeal i'll go incorporate incorporeal and then could i go like directly at him that way where is that i want to read it real fast that's a probably a good thing to check me on just says just do it incorporeal movement once for short rest you can use your bonus action to move through other creatures and objects for up to one minute with concentration You take 1d10 force damage if you end your turn inside an object.

So it's not necessarily like a magic effect or anything, right?

It's just something you can do.

Yeah, because I'm a ghost.

Okay, make a stealth check for me then, since you're being a little sneaky here.

Boom, boom, boom.

That's a gnat 20 plus 9.

29.

Yes, so stealthy.

Matit doesn't even move the lockwid at all.

Right, because I'm incorporeal.

Yeah.

Yeah, you

begin swimming through the lockwid, and luckily for you, with your incorporeal movement, you're able to avoid some of this green gas that's bubbling up from these fissures, and you get to a point where you are above Hugo looking down.

Yeah, what do I see?

Yeah,

Mate is making that sound.

It's all P-O-V-P-V, Mate.

You can see he's pushing on something on the wall, and then all of a sudden, the wall opens up, and he seemingly falls through.

He falls through it?

Yeah.

Falls through it.

Doesn't go through.

Falls, sir?

Yeah, like it opens up and kind of like Lockwood escapes with him, sucks him out, and then the wall reseals.

Oh.

Game Boy.

I mean, he probably knows something we don't.

He probably knows something we don't, right?

Like, this is a way he knows to be going.

Didn't somebody in the old Game Boy ads say Game Boy?

Like, didn't they just blurt it like that?

I think they were.

That was like a Sega thing.

That was Sega.

Anyways, then I'd like to investigate where he was pushing against the wall.

Yeah, you swim down there and you see what appears to be like a slimy, narrow gate that looks like an aperture.

And right now it's closed.

It doesn't appear to have a handle or a lock or anything on it.

Are we in a toilet?

This could be a you.

Did he just flush himself?

Is that a pea trap that we're on?

Do we want to quickly see if there's any other openings or anything like that?

Because that probably is the only way to get out of this chamber.

Yeah, you guys should probably make your way to me.

Yeah.

Watch the green liquid.

Elga

very dexterily goes over.

Is that a word?

No.

Dexterously?

There you go.

Dexterily.

Swims over to Mate.

She verily dexterily.

She verily.

Elga's 11.

She doesn't know it.

She swims over to Mate.

And avoiding the green stuff.

Can Barney do it

whatever the opposite of dexterity is?

Clumsily.

Sure.

I just imagine arms waving like.

Yeah, Chip moves over there.

And he uses his tail like a fin.

He's actually quite good.

Yeah, so you all are there as well.

And you see the same thing Mate saw.

This slimy, narrow gate that is currently closed.

And he was pushing against a wall?

Yeah, he was trying to manipulate it somehow.

I do that.

Make me an athletics champion.

Unless this was a trap.

And he accidentally triggered a trap and got sucked out.

And let's go for it.

21.

Nice.

The

aperture opens up for just a brief moment and

sucks you and all of your friends out.

I did it, everybody.

Is it gonna slide?

No.

You sound so disappointed.

As you pass through the gate, it closes behind you and you immediately spill onto the floor of a long, fairly narrow cavern absent of lockwood.

Can I do an athletics check to see if I land in a superhero pose?

Do acrobatics, not athletics.

Okay, all right, here we go.

I just want to do it one more time.

21.

It was hard to hold my breath for that moment.

Leading like a ninja.

You land with Grace doing the superhero pose.

You guys impressed.

Elga's still trying to catch her breath.

You land on a floor made of scattered scarlet stones interwoven with a gray slime that drips from the ceiling.

Is Hugo in here?

Make an investigation check.

Marco,

Hugo.

That's a nine plus one ten.

You don't see him at the moment, no.

Okay.

So there's a gray slime slime on the floor coming from the ceiling.

And something about crimson tiles?

Scattered stones.

Yeah, scattered scarlet stones.

Surely there's footprints because he was wet and he would be carrying lockwood with him.

Yep, there's also all the slime on the floor as well.

So it's not like it's a totally dry room you're in.

Can Chip use like his investigation?

Yeah, you can make like, if you're looking for tracks, that's survival.

You can make a survival check.

Okay.

Can I do that too, Barney?

Yeah.

I have advantage on this.

It's a 10 and a 3.

Elga's going to look as well.

11.

Okay, I'll wait for Elga's check as well.

20.

All three of you also make me dexterity check.

14.

21.

Uh, six.

So, um.

That's with advantage.

Ouch.

I rolled the same thing twice.

Barney and Chip, you're unable to find any tracks, but it's probably because you're preoccupied trying to avoid this slime from falling on you as it's dripping from the ceiling.

Ew.

Elga, you're so focused on finding tracks that you are able to uncover them.

You do see some tracks that may have been left by Hugo, but as you're looking down at the tracks, a large glob of gray slime falls and envelops you.

What does it do to me?

It's like the effects of a slow spell.

It's just slowing you down now.

You're just like all soggy and waterlogged.

Could I try to remove it from my body, my person?

Yeah, you can just take some time to remove it.

Is there any specific you just kind of try to brush it off?

Yeah.

Yeah.

She does the thing like, you know, when you like finish showering and you want to get some of the excess water off of you, just like

while you're doing that, I say

and then she also shakes like a little puppy.

Say, Elga, quick, trust fall, and I fall into you.

Why?

Because she's gonna have the slow spell, so she's probably gonna not be able to catch me because it'd be funny because she's gotta react fast.

I don't know.

All right, oh, Elga does not try to catch Chip.

Yeah, yeah.

How many points of damage does it take?

Chip falls to the ground and takes

two points of bludgeoning damage.

Chip!

You're the worst.

I know you're clean.

I saw you wipe it off.

After being distracted by Chip's trust fall, your eyes continue following the tracks, Elga, and you do see Hugo to the north, who turns around, notices you all, and begins moving very quickly for what appears to be an exit to the north.

Could Elga pick up a glob of that slime and throw it at him?

It's pretty far.

You can try, but it's going to be a good bit of distance.

I mean, let's try.

Why not?

Do an unarmed strike at disadvantage because it's so far.

Okay.

How far away is it?

60, 65 feet, something like that.

Think about all your days playing for the vampire football team.

This is the fourth quarter.

You got to make that Hail Mary throw.

Here we go.

My disadvantage was 15.

Okay, yeah.

I'll say you are actually able to hurl it far enough and it hits him.

He looks at it kind of like disgustingly, and then, like you did, he kind of shakes himself and it all flies off with ease and he continues running to the northern exit.

That was so cool.

That was a good throw.

That was a good throw.

It was a good throw.

I chase.

You can run, but you cannot hide, football.

Yeah, Mateed, you give chase.

Chase as well.

Yeah.

All right, everyone gives chase, and you see Hugo disappear through a narrow opening that seems to lead to a dark chamber to the north.

These are taking us exactly where we need to go.

We don't even have to figure it out ourselves.

And one more time, everyone make me a dexterity check.

Mm-hmm.

22.

16.

Four.

Five.

Barney and Mateed, you're able to get to the northern exit without issue, but Chip and Elga are so focused on running, they're again not paying attention to that gray slime and it falls on them.

So it's gonna take them just a little longer to catch up.

Oh, we're in a race, guys.

For what?

I don't know.

It's an ace.

I am wheelies.

I am wheelies.

Is there anything special Chip or Elga wants to do to try to get the slime off?

No.

Elga does the thing again where she shakes herself like a little puppy.

Who just wet?

Okay, I'll use my tail as like a windshield wiper.

There you go.

I'm gonna cast bless.

Bless Bless up, Barney.

On us.

Let's dismiss.

Which does?

Oh, sorry.

Bless for one minute.

Up to three creatures of your choice within range.

Whenever they make an attack roll or saving throw before spell list, the target can roll a d4 and add the number roll to the attack roll or saving throw.

I assume you pick your three party members?

Yeah.

Okay.

I don't know.

And that lasts for one minute.

Yeah.

So if we're doing like little spells, things like that, can I have had my poisoner's path thing prepped when we took the last short rest?

I always forget to do it.

It's okay.

Okay, okay.

What does that do to restrict?

Whenever you make an attack roll or saving throw, you get a d4 to add to the end.

And just once?

No, for a minute.

Oh,

while we're on the chase.

Hey!

Hey,

I'm gonna take a bite of a brownie.

Ooh.

Since we're all just doing little buffs.

Some gastric fortitude.

Bard brownie gives me bardic inspiration.

I get three charges of it.

I don't remember where I got this.

Maybe the

shop name Bartholomew Finn.

Scourge, Skeg, Craig, Dregs.

Dregs.

You got there.

I think that's where I got it.

Anyways, I take a bite of a brownie.

It's yummy.

Chip has his mouth open.

He's pointing at it.

Ah.

Ah.

He wants a knuckle sandwich.

I let Chip take a bite of the brownie.

It's just, I don't have to take the effect.

He takes a bite of the brownie.

I shove it in.

Eat the brownie.

Eat the brownie, Chip.

This is the most violent I've seen Mateen.

It's like in Day Live when Rowdy Roddy Piper's trying to get the sunglasses on the glasses on Keith David.

I love that movie.

Alright, so is everyone ready to proceed?

Yeah.

You enter a dark grotto with white columns built into the walls.

At the far northern end of the room, you see a disfigured figure facing away from you, hunched over, ranting.

I've come too far to be stopped here at the dead end.

Come now, I've done my part.

You all feel the scarlet floor tremble beneath your feet, and the monstrosity turns to face you with a lipless fanged grimace.

No, you four can't stop me.

Not

Unless...

Perhaps you too wish to know the secret of Groteth?

Yes.

You have suffered a great loss in this world.

Yeah.

Perhaps the greatest of all.

Love was snatched from you.

It's no mystery that you achingly long for your Carol

to hold her again, to feel her warmth, to see her smile beaming back at you.

Go on.

Barney Farney, treat of your best years, robbed of your memories, deprived of your precious family, surely you're feeling your age weigh upon you.

Like that of plate armor that you should have hung up years ago?

Can I respond?

Mathid Confisus,

your carefree nonchalance is something to aspire to.

Surely, you of all people lack nothing in this world.

Or perchance, have you drifted through this immortal coil for so long that you have steadily been stripped of that which drives us all?

Purpose.

Oh, Elga, my sweet little Elga.

Hugo.

You have made your father proud, my dear.

Truly a vampire is vampire among our people.

I see it in your eyes, my child.

The same thirst that lurks in my own gaze.

Surely you are fatigued and perched of tiptoeing through a world that maligns you when they should all be bowing before you.

And a crimson glint shimmers in Hugo's veined eyes.

I can change all of your worlds.

All you have to do is yield.

Uh, everyone make a charisma saving throw.

And don't forget, we have the blessed.

Bless up, yo.

20.

That was 12 on me.

23.

I would be a 11.

21.

Some very charismatic party members here.

I got the Riz, you know.

I have faced you before, and I can do it again.

You don't have much of a face left.

The haggard Hugo spreads his bony wings and charges straight for you with fierce fangs.

Everyone roll initiative.

I wanted to eat.

I wanted to eat that bell.

That's what I wanted to do.

20, 24, 21.

I also rolled a 20.

Not worth it now.

Chip, what is your dexterity?

15.

Okay, so you go before me.

Oh.

Okay, so Mate was 24, Barney was 21, Chip and Elga were both 20, but Chip goes first.

Yes.

Wow, I'm going last initiative with a 20.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

Well, I got good initiative pontifiers now at this point.

I'm going to roll for Hugo here.

Roll a one.

Go on, Dork.

10.

All right, Mateed, you're a first.

It's Mateed, Barney, Chip, Elga, Hugo.

He's charging at us?

Yeah.

Oh, we've twins.

It's like Bilbo in fellowship.

Oh, yeah.

So scary.

Sure.

I'll charge at him.

Come at me, bro.

Got him.

Yeah.

I'm going to.

He's not expecting it.

It's like when a bear charges you and you make yourself all big.

It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, chill.

What are we doing here?

Hey.

Oh.

Yeah, I'm gonna use the spear of the superior baker.

No.

No.

Listen, I would have used that, except that you pointed out I can't do stunning strikes with that.

Correct.

So I'm not gonna be using that as much anymore.

So that's on you.

Okay, guys.

God damn, I'm ending this campaign.

I'm gonna kill you all.

Yeah, I'm just gonna go in for a two-handed strike.

And I'm gonna do that by rolling a 30.

Let me check.

Oh, yeah, that hits.

Okay, 1d8 plus 7.

That's a 6, plus 7, 13.

And it's piercing damage, right?

Piercing damage, and I'm going to make it a stunning strike.

What is the save?

75.

I don't think so.

Yeah.

I'm looking at my sheet right now.

Constitution saving throw of 16.

Okay, my Constitution's plus 3, so I need a 13 or better.

Is he a disadvantage because he has no lips?

He's sat where you hold all your constitution.

If you're speaking a spell, it might

affect your

ability to have like proper speech patterns.

I'm so sorry I'm getting hung up on the lipless detail, but it's just, you know, I mean, come on.

That is, like, so unsettling to think about.

He's jogging like this.

All right, well, he rolled a 12 plus three, which is 15, which is a failure.

However, he uses his legendary resistance to, instead of fail, to succeed on that saving probe.

Well, I use Flurry of Blows to do another two unarmed strikes, which can be stunning strikes as well.

I hate you.

Yeah, well, you shouldn't give everybody legendary resistance.

So that's how the croissant crumbles.

That is 16 plus 9.

25.

That hits.

9.

9.

And is that slashing?

Slashing, but

it's considered magical.

Okay.

And then another stunning strike.

17.

Woo!

Okay, that's a 13 plus 9, 21.

To hit?

Yeah, that hits.

Doing 7 magical slashing.

Okay.

And then give me one more con saving throw.

Alright, this is plus 3, 19.

Okay, that's fine.

Stop celebrating over there.

This is bad, Gus.

I mean, it's all perspective.

From my perspective, the Jedi are evil.

That's good.

Okay, that's very

good.

My movement, I want to, since in order order to do these strikes, I have to be up on him on a melee distance.

Okay, so I'm right next to him then.

Yes.

Nice wings.

Mine have feathers.

Oh.

Oh.

He takes ego damage.

Oh.

You go.

So many nasty wings.

Oh, my self-esteem.

Yeah.

Don't make Trevor say.

Oh, my self-esteem.

Is that it for you?

Yeah, we done.

Barney, you're up.

I'm going to cast Flamestrike.

Flamestrike.

Flamestrike.

That's new.

A vertical column of divine fire roars down from the heavens in a location you specify.

Each creature in a 10-foot radius, 40-foot-high cylinder centered on a point within range, must make a dexterity-saving throw.

The creature takes 46 fire damage and 46 radiant damage on a failed save, or half as much damage on a successful one.

Keep in mind, Mateed's like up on Hugo, so maybe aim past him.

Yeah, I just aim it.

Yeah, I'll say it's possible to aim it in a a way that only encompasses Hugo and does not engulf Mate.

So it's a dexterity saving throw.

What's the save DC on it?

Dex 18.

Dex 18.

All right.

Best of luck, Ugo.

My dex is plus three, so I need a 15 or better.

Yeah, you're not going to make that.

He's going to do it now because he just.

Oh, three.

Take it back.

Take it back.

The 4d6.

So that's 16.

16 fire.

21 radiant.

That's a good roll, Chris.

Good boy.

The holy fire seems to strike down from above and it envelops Hugo, who begins screaming in pain.

How far away is he right now from me?

You didn't move up yet, so he's at the very edge of the range of your spell, which is about 60 feet.

I move up within five feet.

Move up to Hugo.

Do you have 55 feet of move?

Oh, no, I don't.

No, no, no, I don't at all.

This is DD.

You didn't realize he was 60 feet away, even though I just had to.

I know, I know, I know.

I was reading my spell as my bonus action.

I'll move forward my 30 feet towards him.

Okay.

And then I'm going to

telekinetic shove

me five feet further.

You should telekinetic shove yourself.

Yeah.

So you're 25 feet away from him.

Before he hit the NOS.

Finances can be tough, especially when you're a baby trapped in an adult's body like myself.

There are things out there like overdraft fees and missed payments or just the inability to save money.

But fortunately, Chime is here.

Chime understands that every dollar counts.

That's why when you set up direct deposits through QIIME, you get access to fee-free features like free overdraft coverage, getting paid up to two days early direct deposits, and more.

You can open a checking account with no no monthly fees and no maintenance fees.

Chime has tools for daily balance updates and real-time transaction alerts that can help you with your spending habits.

And they've got 24/7 customer support.

You know, that's pretty handy in case you run into any speed bumps along the way.

You know, I remember when I was in high school, I worked for the grocery store.

Payday would roll around.

I'd be so excited to go spend my paycheck, but boom, no money in my account because the bank was sitting on it for some reason.

But with QIIME, you can get paid up to two days early with direct deposits, as I said earlier.

So doesn't that sound great?

Hey, why don't you work on your financial goals through QIIME today?

Open an account in two minutes at chime.com/slash slash dragon.

It's chime.com slash dragon.

Chime feels like progress.

Chime is a financial technology company, not a bank.

Banking services and debit card provided by the Bank Corporation or Stripe Bank NA.

Members FDIC.

Spot and eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply.

Timing depends on submission payment file.

Fees apply at Out of Network ATMs, bank ranking, and number of ATMs according to U.S.

News and World Report 2023.

Chime checking account required.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Commercial Insurance.

Business owners meet Progressive Insurance.

They make it easy to get discounts on commercial auto insurance and find coverages to grow with your business.

Quote in as little as eight minutes at progressivecommercial.com.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company, coverage provided and serviced by affiliated and third-party insurers.

Discounts and covered selections not available in all states or situations.

Is that it for you?

Yeah.

Are we allowed to know how that damaged Hugo?

Because

I imagine he's vulnerable to Radiant.

Yes, you know that as a vampire yourself, that Radiant, bad.

Cool.

For vampires.

From a metagame perspective, it's considered a vulnerability.

Yes.

That was Barney's turn, so we got Chip, and then after Chip, Eliga.

Okay.

Really quick.

How far away is he again for me?

About 60 feet.

60 feet.

Is that all of us to like?

Yeah, except not Mateed, who's up in melee range, and now Barney is 25 feet away.

I'm going to use my movement to get up as close as I can to Hugo, so that would be 40 feet.

So you get within 20 feet of him.

And then I want to take cunning action to dash the remainder of that distance.

So that uses your bonus action to continue to close the distance.

And keep in mind, this is 60 feet.

This entire 60 feet, Chip is screaming, charging.

He's got his crossbow of coolness out, and he's prepped the bitter cold bayonet.

So he's charging at him with a bayonet, going,

like the scene in Monty Python.

Yeah.

The charging scene

goes on forever.

And then then I'm going to, yes, use my crossbow of coolness.

Because he hasn't taken an action.

That is going to be an assassinate thing.

You have advantage on attack rolls against any creature that hasn't taken a turn in combat yet.

And any hit you score against the creature, that is surprised as a critical hit.

Don't think he's surprised if you're screaming at him, though.

He's not surprised, but.

So that's a 19 and a 16 and then I'm going to roll the d4 for bliss.

So technically it's a 21.

You hit.

Okay, so I'm gonna do the damage with that attack.

So that's nine.

Nine points of cold damage because it's from the crossbow of coolness.

So in addition to that, I also do the 5d6 damage because of sneak attack.

It wasn't very sneaky.

But because Matita is within five feet, I get that extra 5d6.

Yep.

And that is...

I don't see a lot of high numbers there.

18.

Kind of damage.

Since it's sneak die, it's just additional.

I think this would be considered some kind of piercing damage, most likely.

Yes.

And then, I don't know if I can stack this.

I'll just ask.

You know, remember when I said that I wanted to have that poison kit?

Yeah.

Okay, I'd like to use that.

Okay.

Regis.

My life is.

Is that

like a bonus stack or anything, right?

You just use it?

It says, you gain expertise with the poisoners kit.

During a short rest, you can create a one single use injury, touch, ingested, or inhaled poison.

Non-effect, the target must make a constitution saving throw DC10 plus your proficiency bonus or take 2d6 plus 4 damage.

Yeah, so then metagame-wise, it would be that you had applied it to the dagger.

The dagger, right?

Yeah,

because I'm going to make it a touch thing.

Well, this would be injury, I think, because it's not like you're touching a menu.

Totally what I said.

An injury poison.

Anyways, so you need to make a DC10 plus your proficiency bonus.

I guess it's a 14, roll a 14.

14 constitution saving.

Oh, don't roll a 14, roll like a 1 or something.

I call 14 plus 3.

I need an 11 or better.

19.

It was an 8, and then it switched at the last second.

19.

22.

Successful save.

Okay, so then do you take any of that or do you take half?

Probably half?

No.

It doesn't say that.

It just

shrugs it off.

That's okay.

And then.

And then.

Yes, and you have to be done at that point.

I think I'm going to get done at that point.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

There's one other thing.

There's one other thing.

Because the way you said it.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Because it's the crossbow coolness, and I charged him with the bitter cold bayonet on a hit, you can expend a charge, no action, and the target must make a DC-15 constitution saving throw or become frozen.

See, Petrus fighting.

That's all I'll start the next turn.

So roll for a constitutional.

I'm trying to stop you.

Yeah.

Okay.

What was the DC on it again?

DC 15.

Stop rolling high numbers.

Constitution is plus three.

I need a 12 or better.

This is for your own good, Gus.

That's a 13, so that's a failure.

There you go.

Yay!

So

you're frozen.

You look really warm from the fire.

Now start singing an Adina Menzel song.

So what effects does that have on Hugo?

You see, from where the bayonet pierced Hugo's side, it seems like icy tendrils start spreading across his skin, slowing his movement, eventually freezing him solid in place.

Well, gang, we did it.

We beat the final boss.

Which you're able to do because I burned through his legendary resistance.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Okay, good, good, Kai Fives all around, Dean.

Is that it for you?

Well,

because I have 20 feet of remaining movement and he's frozen, so I can't imagine he can take a tactile opportunity.

So I'll use that to move away from him.

Okay, you move 20 feet away, and that's it for your turn, right?

Yeah, but I moonwalk away.

I stab him, and then I go...

Elga, that means it's your turn.

I would like to rage.

Despite all her rage, still just a bad indication.

Form of.

Do I have to decide right now?

I do have to decide right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Form of the beast with bite.

Bite!

I'm going to take bite.

Do you lose your lips?

No.

They actually get bigger.

I just get the giant teeth.

Then I want to move up 40 feet.

You know when a child for Halloween puts those teeth in?

yeah,

that's me right now.

That's so gross.

So you take them out.

Oh, I hate it.

Oh, and they never fit.

They always hurt.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Elka.

Oh, Barbara.

I want to move about 40 feet on my whole walking speed.

And then I'm going to throw my axe of the scarab towards Hugo.

Okay.

So to hit

and say 25.

That hits.

Okay.

Doing.

Oh my god.

Eight plus, I guess, three three

because it's slashing and I'm ranging.

So I don't know if you get your rage bonus on ranged stuff.

Is it melee?

It might be melee.

Let me double-check.

I might be wrong.

Let me just double-check that real quick.

So this is a this attack type is melee here.

I'm gonna say no because when you throw it, that is range because it does have a range on it.

It's not just a bait within melee.

Okay.

So, eight, you still do eight.

All right, well, I'll do it again.

Okay.

Uh, to hit, That is a 29.

Okay, yeah, that hits.

Doing.

There we go, it's a little better.

13 points of slashing damage.

When you throw the axe of the scarab, it hits Hugo, chips off a little piece of his shoulder for eight points of damage.

Then you resummon the axe of the scarab back to your hand and throw it again.

It hits him so hard, it unfreezes him, crying out in agony as his deformed, damaged frame falls to the ground.

You

must be feeling pretty good about yourselves right now, I suppose.

Yeah, pretty much.

Like heroes at the end of a long adventure.

Well done.

We're clapping now.

Why are we clapping?

But we've been here before.

What?

All five of us.

And I fell to my death then, just as well.

But this time...

This time is different.

I know the part I play.

Do you?

And then rather abruptly, Hugo falls to the floor unmoving his red eyes fixed eternally on the four of you

for my whole life and I'll never forgive you but worst of all you're just an evil person and I don't like you and I will never love you

and then she spits

onto his face I kick him

Barney uh goes up and uh lowers his head.

Oh, okay.

Elga runs over to Barney and and embraces him.

Aw, sweet.

I join Mate in the kicking while he's down.

You go for the head, I'll go for the butt.

Okay.

Well, he guys, he said something about that he was playing a part.

Do you think this was all a trap?

Yes.

Okay.

Thank you, Mate.

I do not think that this

adventure is quite over.

We still have to uncover the mystery of this whole Ma situation and what he was after.

Yeah.

With a rumble, the Scarlet brown quakes middle view once more.

But this time, the entire grotto begins to tremor and fracture.

The surrounding white columns slowly start to split open vertically, and the floor lifts and undulates wildly, throwing the foreview toward the pillars.

As you slide along the floor, you quickly realize the columns are pointed and jagged on the ends, like giant white spikes.

Can everyone make dexterity saving throws?

11.

12 for Elga.

Uh, 24.

I rolled a 9, but I have a evasion you are subject to, the effect that allows you to make a deck-saving throw.

You only take half damage, you instead take no damage if you succeed.

Alright, so everyone failed except for Mateen.

So you're all going to take a little bit of piercing damage.

Chip, you take half of this.

Five points of damage.

Chip, you take two.

You pass through the spikes, and suddenly you're free-falling as if from a towering cliffside.

Torrential wind is zipping past you, your body's flailing wildly downward.

You have but seconds to save yourselves from plummeting to your deaths.

I turn into a bat.

I go,

I'll crab, I'll grab chip.

It's dark, I'll turn it, I'll float.

Depth of night.

That all sounds pretty good.

Just for funsies, Mateid, just make a strength check just to make sure you're able to grab and hold on to Chip.

I rolled a gnat 20.

24.

You're able to swoop over and.

Actually, I'm kind of sad.

I rolled a nat 20 on that one.

Just miss me entirely.

I go, I'll help you.

Don't worry, Chip.

Grab my little wing.

No.

Mate's got my shoulders, but then Elga has my tail, like just like dainty holding it in her mouth.

So you all are able to interrupt the fall and lightly land on the ground below.

After the dust finally settles, you all gather your bearings and survey your surroundings.

It's dark.

Maybe nighttime?

There's no stars or moons in the sky, but a faint red glow lingers just past a mountain.

You all struggle to make sense of what you see, but your faculties are failing you.

The blackened ground feels parched far beyond desert sands ever should be.

The air feels stale and eerily silent.

The ground shifts, vibrating under you.

As you look around, you instantly find the cause.

The mountains are moving.

As the mounds shift, you also realize the source of red light.

It's a half sun.

The faint vermilion blaze casts a shadow across the mountain, or what should be a mountain.

You see the rows of white spikes high up in the sky.

They open wide, revealing themselves to be one massive mob.

An oddly familiar voice bellows, both inside your minds and all around you.

Welcome, welcome.

Oh, I do love visitors.

Elephantine tentacles with claws emerge from the sides of the mountainous monster and rushed straight for you.

Everyone roll initiative.

Oh, good lord.

The great ma!

Wait, Hugo the Ma?

No, I think Hugo was just serving the maw and like probably...

I thought the maw was like a benevolent like deity.

But it seems to recognize us.

Yeah, you said a familiar voice?

Yeah, a light.

That's the voice, because we can't hear it now.

Familiar, but not in a way you feel like you can place or you can have a farm.

All right, everyone roll initiative.

10, 11, 8.

You guys are really bad at counting down.

12!

12, 11, 10, 8.

Much lower than our first thought.

Yeah, that was really bad.

Let me roll for the mountain.

All right, guys, now we got to fight a mountain.

17.

Did this thing say it was the mall?

It didn't, but we're assuming.

It says, yeah, you're familiar.

So I go first.

The mountain?

Yeah, the way it should be.

Can I do like a right-click info on this mountain?

Yeah, it's like three skulls.

Is that difficulty?

Yeah.

We're zero skulls.

That means that we can't tell what level it is because it's so high.

Go.

You all feel a torrential wind buffeting you from behind, as if pushing you closer to the mountain.

Everyone make a

just call it a dexterity saving throw.

27.

21.

14 with evasion.

If I take damage, it'll be half.

I rolled a one.

Oh, Barney.

Barney's just so overwhelmed by seeing a talking mountain that he just...

Ow!

So, Elga and Mate, you're able to stand your ground, but Chip and Barney, the winds suck you in and pull you even closer to the mountain.

So that's what I wanted, because, you know, melee attacks.

Is this like the mountain is in, like, the Game of Thrones mountain, where it's just a big dude?

Well, Well, it's just like a it's it's huge, right?

It's just like a mountainous amalgamation of a monster.

It's got a massive maw, an assortment of eyes, ten giant tentaclaws, and an extensive streak of red across its belly and neck.

Streak of red on the belly and neck?

Yeah, those might be the weak points, so aim for those.

They're not glowing, though.

Ow.

Ow, ow.

Ow.

And it's got a big T on its chest.

It's a superhero.

Ooh.

Tentacles.

Okay, so it pulled Chip and Barney closer.

I'm going to roll a die to see what attacks.

One and two, Barney, three and four, chip.

One, that's Barney.

Oh, my God.

That makes sense.

He rolled a one.

One of the giant tentaclaws lashes out at you, Barney.

Okay.

Hitting.

Let's see some real damage here, Gus.

Come on.

I'm trying to support Gus.

Hitting AC 18.

That does not hit?

Does not hit.

Oh, you have like a 20 or something, right?

All right.

I'm going to make another attack.

One or two, Barney, three or four chip.

Blurring at me.

Two.

It's Barney again.

I'm sitting there on my knees praying.

No doubt.

Hit the old man.

Take him instead.

Lashes out, hitting AC

35.

That one hits.

Shockingly.

Doing 40 points of slashing damage.

40?

Yeah.

That's a lot.

Are we high enough level for this?

We're level 9.

This must be the level 20 boss fight.

And you are now grappled.

It has you in its grip in one of its tentaclaws.

A third tentaclaw lashes out at chip.

Got it.

Oh, yeah, that.

All right.

Hitting AC23.

Roll it again because I have super groovy cape that is called the Cloak of Displacement, I believe.

Oh, yeah.

So it attacks are at disadvantage against you, right?

Correct.

I just want to point out that he rolled a 35 attacking Barney.

He has a very high modifier.

It's like it's an item that automatically does it, doesn't it?

Yeah.

I'm just saying it.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's not awesome.

He's not hurting the lucky.

He's using an item that stays.

Yeah.

Copy.

So that's a good idea.

You're concerned, Barb.

I would be there with you.

This is 27 and a what?

23.

Okay.

Is that a hit?

I see.

Let me do the quick math.

Yeah, that hits it.

Okay, okay, yeah.

I need you to tell me.

Please, I need this.

Gus needs the validation of hurting you.

Doing 42 points of slashing damage.

And you are now grappled as well.

I have uncanny dodge.

When an attacker that you can see hits you with an attack, you can use your reaction to have the attack's damage against you.

Okay, so 21.

Oh, wait, no, no, but

you had to have had dodge already.

As a reaction?

Oh, it's as a reaction?

Yeah, it's a reaction.

Oh,

you have patient defense, which is that.

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm thinking of.

So 21 points of damage.

And spoiler gus, I will be using that.

21

damage.

So we all know what my bonus action is already.

You're calling it.

And you're grappled.

And I'm grappled.

Yeah.

I grapple back.

I hold on.

I got you where I wanted you.

It's just like judo.

You just got to use its weight against it and toss it onto the ground.

Exactly.

He's just this spec fighting a mountain.

Speaking of a spec, it's your turn, Chip.

Okay.

Okay, let me see.

A grapple creature's speed becomes zero and it can't pass.

You just want speed.

You can do everything, you just can't move.

Then I.

And you can also, if you want, try to escape it.

Yeah

no

okay

Because you're grappling it.

Yeah, we're supposed to try to fight this thing.

All right, I'm gonna use my crossbow of coolness once again.

Okay, I mean if you want to run away Elga, I'll go

I'm just trying to like decipher if this is a thing we actually could potentially be fighting or like if it's something that's a lost common.

Don't worry, gang, I'll soften them up for you and Mate and Elga.

All right, guys.

You're just the base of a mountain just touching.

I'm kind of warm.

So I'm going to use the crossbow of coolness.

You're a little one.

I'm going to use my inspiration die.

That's more like it.

A 23.

Yeah.

So that's eight points of cold damage.

And then I also want to use a charge for range drive.

Upon firing a crossbow bolt at an enemy, hit or miss, as a bonus action, you can expend a charge to cause the bolt to explode with Icy Charge.

Charge.

Each Each creature within 10 feet of the target must make a DC 15 dexterity saving throw or take 46 cold damage.

Okay.

So there.

So it's going to affect it, you, and Barney.

Well, what are you shooting?

Oh, well, I mean...

All creatures within 10 feet of it?

Yeah, but I'm not sh like, can I aim for like a different part of it that's not hard?

Barney says all creatures within 10 feet of it.

Well, you know, I shot a bolt at it.

It's a big thing.

I don't have to aim at this.

Also, is each tentaclaw a different creature?

No.

That's a good attempt.

Okay, but if a creature, let's say it's 100 feet big, right?

And I just shoot at it like

to the far left and we're over to the right, that's not within 10 feet.

Like,

can I aim the crossbow bolt so that it's not going to hit where Barney and I are?

Make a roller persuasion check against me.

I see this.

I see this.

No.

This is good.

Okay, I have a plus 12.

Are you opposing?

Yeah, what's your, do you guys have modifiers?

What'd you roll?

14.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm sure.

I'll give it to you.

Yeah, you persuaded me, Blaine.

Okay.

I like making checks against the DM.

That's fun.

4D,

6 cold dishes.

The dice decide it.

Yeah, I like that.

That is a not terrible 16.

Okay.

I want to get out of the grapple and, if possible, use cunning action.

Yeah.

Wait,

did you use your bonus action already?

No, you did.

Yeah.

Did I?

To do the explosion.

Yeah, you said as a bonus action.

Oh, oh, no.

Did I lose?

Yes, yes, you did.

I want that isolated character.

Did I lose?

Can I try to get out of the grapple, though?

Or is that a bonus?

Like, that's for movement.

Normally, yeah, but why not?

I'll let you try.

Oh, okay.

Make

your choice, either strength or dexterity.

Sound of a man looking at a high modifier on the character he's looking at.

Let's try.

Strength or dexterity.

Hold on, go.

It's old Dex.

Watch out.

Seven.

Nah.

I doubled down on my grip on the chin doll.

You're not going anywhere.

You've got him right where you want him.

Chip combat is the best part of combat.

Elga.

Oh, it's my turn.

Yeah, it's Elga, then Mateed, then Barney.

Well, I am still a bat.

Beat.

Um, how far away am I from this guy?

You're 30 feet.

I am using my flying speed

to get over right up close

to this thing.

And I want to aim at the, I guess, tentaclaw that's grappling Barney.

Okay.

I will rage again.

Okay.

Turn back into Elga?

Or can you rage as a bat?

Oh.

That was a genuine question, but I like the response.

I imagine I cannot rage or attack as a bat.

I don't think so.

Yeah, so I turn back into the attack.

Elga.

And then I will rage.

I like that.

You zoom in with your flight speed, but then like mid-air turn into Elga.

So you're still flying with

the movement.

And I will pick the form of the tail.

All right.

I'm going to take out my great axe of gaining.

Get those gains.

And try to slice down on the Attempt of Claw that's holding Barney.

Okay.

So to a hit, that is a 23.

That hits.

Thanks.

Doing.

Oh man.

11 points.

What note was that, Micah?

14 points of slashing damage.

Okay.

Does it seem to weaken its grasp or anything on Barney?

Make a perception check.

Okay.

I see nothing.

I rolled a one with a plus five, six.

It still seems to have a very tight grasp on Barney.

Okay.

Barney, I will get you out of there.

Oh my gosh.

Oh gosh, you're killing him.

He's getting a Kirin.

I'll slice it again with my great axe.

All Alright.

I'm going to use an inspiration die because that's a 14.

I imagine that does not hit.

Okay.

Oh, man.

13.

No.

Sorry.

Alright, well.

He's no good.

He's no good.

I guess that's my turn then.

Okay.

Elga's furiously Elga in at one of the ten o'clocks, which means it's Mateed and then Barney.

How big is this thing?

Are we talking Empire State Building?

Are we talking dump truck?

Yeah, dump.

Yeah.

What's the scale here?

you said a mountain mountains range now there is a mountain range

what did you ask that question just to lead up to that joke i found that joke as i said it's gonna say we're all brown it's um from d d scale it's gargantuan so like the size of a 7-eleven or a bucky's okay

it's gargantuan 32 to 64 feet tall okay oh okay that's right manageable

pretty tall phase inside of it like vision and then mess with its organs.

He says a big maw

it has a massive maw.

When you say maw, what is like a mouth?

Okay.

Is it open?

Sure, why not?

Can I fly into it?

Yeah, why not?

Okay, I fly into the mouth.

We must nourish the maw.

Wait, there might be something to that.

Probably.

Maybe the information we discovered.

This is intentional.

This is my plan.

Yeah.

Okay.

If I go to a tea.

He doesn't like poultry, though, so.

Not a chicken.

But not all birds are poultry.

You're right.

You're the bravest person I've ever met.

I go into the maw.

Okay.

And what do I see?

You fly into a damp, fetid, stinking giant mouth with horrific teeth everywhere.

Did it have a face?

Yeah.

It has eyes, you said, right?

Yeah, it's got eyes.

Just for, I guess, perspective, you fly in and you know what this is.

You just came out of here.

Oh, we were in.

That was the.

that was oh is it like scarlet stuff with gray slime yeah oh

we were in it you wait is hugo here no well he's dead yeah you see his body uh hanging on a tooth oh

so then at the end oh it were the white pillar's teeth yes yes that's why they have spikes on the ends

so from my perspective visually looking at this big old mouth is there a throat yes you realize that's where you were before this we're We were in the throat.

And now you will remain where you are.

In the hallway before we went into there.

Were we in its stomach?

You were.

Oh, wait, so wait, the

lockwid that we were in, wasn't it stomach?

Yeah, all the

green gas.

Did we go through its butt?

No.

No.

No, no.

So is the lock with saliva or

stomach acid?

Yeah.

Could I then theoretically travel back to the stomach area?

Theoretically, you could could try, but the whole area's moving in a way it wasn't before.

Like, you could try to start making your way down there.

It would take a while, but it's way more treacherous than before.

Whereas before, it seemed like a stable room.

Now everything's sloshing about and moving.

Like, the floor becomes the wall, becomes the ceiling.

Everything's all topsy-turvy.

Can I fly up to its face and attack its eyes?

Yeah.

Okay.

If I threw the battle goozling on top of the mall,

could it stay on top of the maw and keep attacking it?

It could try, sure.

Okay, I'm gonna do that.

Go, Pierre!

We!

Piercing.

And that would be my action?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, then that's what I'm gonna do.

I throw the goozling on the maw.

I want to be, like, hovering in front of the maw and use the patient defense to take dodge.

Okay.

And now it's the goozling.

Okay.

And the goozling is going to attack the maw.

We save Groteth.

And in Atro City, they build a giant statue of a goose.

And then, like, four

little idiots below the goose.

It uses bubbling hiss and exhales an acidic bubbles in a 15-foot cone because I wanted to hit as many eyes as I could.

Okay.

So the creature must make a DC13 deck saving throw.

I bet its dexterity is not great because it's a mountain.

Plus three.

Oh, okay.

That's a 16.

My dexterity.

Okay, you take half.

Or like 100.

I catch.

14 plus 2, 16 acidic acidic damage.

Okay.

And I'm done.

Barney, you are still grappled.

Okay.

I want to use my channel divinity Twilight Sanctuary.

As an action, you present your holy symbol, and a sphere of Twilight emanates from you.

The sphere is centered on you, has a 30-foot radius, and is filled with them light.

Sphere removes with me and lasts for one minute.

Whenever a creature, including you, ends its turn in the sphere, you can grant that creature one of the benefits.

1d6 plus 9 temporary hit points or

removes charm to frightened.

Okay.

And then I want to, Barney wants to try and like fight his way through out of the maw.

Or I mean, out of the

grapple.

All right, so you're going to make a check.

And I think what happens is instead of like doing that exactly, he

incorporeal moves through it.

Okay.

And you phase into a misty version of yourself for the duration.

The spell lasts for one minute.

Oh, Elgo sees this happening.

a matter of

I think Barney doesn't know.

You guys remember he's dead, right?

We went over this.

We don't need to keep the pretense off anymore.

He's not

hasn't been made obvious of what he is.

Oh, he was in.

I found his body and he's in his coffin.

I saw it.

Elga is as shocked at the Barney reveal as Barney was shocked at the Elga reveal.

I saw the body.

They're renting the family.

They refuse to acknowledge what is right in front of them.

It could have been a dummy body.

It could have been.

It was a dummy body.

I have Gagar for ghosts, okay?

I know when I see a ghost.

And I can't cast any spells or anything, but I'm also like immune bomb in that.

You have to, it lasts for a minute.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I was double-checking.

It's resistance, not immunity.

Oh, sorry, resistance.

And then I'm going to go ahead and roll for that bonus HP.

Premier Twilight.

Yeah, so that's 12 bonus HP.

Okay.

And just for the record within corporeal movement, you have resistance to non-magical damage.

Okay, cool.

So it's not immunity tall damage.

It's a lot more narrow.

Okay, it's the mountain's turn again.

It lost its grip on Barney.

Everyone, go ahead and make a wisdom saving throw.

27.

Wow.

15.

FK.

That's a 12.

Alright, only Barney succeeded then.

Everyone else is just frightened at the horror that is looking at this giant creature and the daunting task that lies before you.

Is that a condition we should add?

Yes.

If you're frightened, you can repeat your saving throw at the end of your turn.

Also, my Twilight Sanctuary can remove frightened.

Ooh.

At the end of our turn.

Yeah, at the end of your turn.

But do they have to be within range of you?

30 feet.

Okay, I think they're all probably within 30 feet of you.

It's also going to attack a little more.

Oh, it's not holding on to Barney.

That's too bad.

Well, it's holding on to Chip still.

I was like, holding surface.

I could literally stop breathing.

It's like when the teacher's like, all right, I need to volunteer for this.

And you're just like looking down.

No, no.

Oh, wait, hold on.

Your gosling would also have to make a saving throw against that.

Oh, wait, it's immune to being frightened.

The mom?

No, the gooseling.

I love this goozling so much.

I do too.

It's going to save us.

Okay,

I'm annoyed now.

Don't kill it.

The goozling goozling was immune.

Barney escaped my grasp.

You all feel murmurs within your mind, like just non-stop chattering, a cacophony of voices.

Everyone make an intelligent saving throw.

9, 30, 20.

7, 18.

Everyone failed.

Great.

Very cool.

The voices just overcome any ability for you to form your own coherent thoughts.

You all take 83 points of psychic damage.

If you are still alive, you are now insane.

Insane to the brain!

You can't take any actions, can't understand what other creatures say, can't read, and can only speak gibberish.

You're still up.

Would you say who's still up, Barney?

Me!

I'm still up.

El Gunmati?

The only gibberish you're able to string together is blurbble-gurble.

Blurbal gurble,

blurbble.

Blurble gurble!

Blurbble-gurble!

I like the commitment to the bitch.

It's the best.

The same familiar voice bellows all around you.

The monstrous maw opens wide, and like the snap of a finger, darkness swallows you whole.

Well, thanks for listening, everybody.

That's our way.

That was fun.

Are we waiting peace, Jim?

Are we doing another episode?

No, No, we will not see you next week.

We're still recording.

Well, guys, if you enjoyed that, make sure you follow us on Patreon.

A shadow eclipses you from above.

You see watery silhouettes of two people, one sitting and the other standing, but both are looking down at the four of you.

A gentle voice calls out to you, It's time, my friends.

Time to wake up.

And with hardly any effort, you each feel yourselves gradually float to the surface and inhale what feels like your first breath.

Your eyes are blurry, but you feel hands reach out to tenderly pull you out from the water onto a stone ledge.

You try to look around, but everything still appears murky.

Give yourselves time to adjust.

There's no rush.

You all feel your lungs slowly swell, inhaling and exhaling the fresh air.

The murkiness slowly subsides from your ears and eyes, and you see two faces softly smiling at you.

An elvish woman and a draconic man.

They both seem familiar, like faces from a forgotten dream.

The man stands and speaks.

I realize you four must have a myriad of questions, but I find it's best to start with the basics.

For one,

no, you're not dead.

Ah, good.

In fact, you're probably the most alive you've ever been before.

As the draconic man speaks, details start to dawn on you.

His scales are a burnt orange.

You're standing on a circular stone dais surrounded by water and runic archways arc over your head.

Two,

though you may not recognize even yourselves, for some reason, you all know each other.

And sure enough, you look down to find your reflection in the pool, but an unfamiliar face stares back at you.

And three,

before I tell you where you are, I'd like my friend to tell you a tale.

The draconic man takes his seat once more, and the eldish woman steps forward.

She has dark features and black hair.

She's wearing a navy cloak and matching double-breasted tunic, along with eggplant pants and leather boots.

My name is Sadate Tempur.

What?

And this is my tale.

Long ago, when I was young, I met a boy named Huberus.

I fell in love with his charm and zest for life.

Before long, we were betrothed far too young and eloped as soon as we were of age.

One night, I awakened to an empty bedside and went out into the night searching for hubris.

I stumbled upon him, hunched over eating and drinking from someone's insides.

A horrific visage.

What was a zest for life was actually an insatiable hunger and thirst.

But before I could react, he overtook me and drew my very life force from me.

And that's when I fell into darkness for the first time.

I awakened in murky waters and emerged in a strange place.

A world beyond worlds, a space between realities, the connective tissue amongst all planes of existence, the in-uverse.

It was founded by a society of special individuals whose souls are found in every reality.

They may look different in each world, but they possess the same soul and serve as peacemakers in every realm.

No one has ever been forced to awaken until they are ready.

And for the safety of the realms, the location of the inn-uverse has been kept a secret for generations upon generations.

But recently, one individual made a connection to the in-niverse without waking up.

A man named Huberus.

Though he has never been here before, for reasons I cannot explain, he is now able to travel amidst the known worlds, every realm connected to the in-uverse.

His hunger started small.

But for every creature he consumed, he grew larger.

But it didn't stop with creatures.

He began devouring homes, towns, and and over time, even entire regions.

When he dies, he just spawns in a new world and begins consuming it.

If it continues to grow, he one day may be able to consume entire worlds.

What was once a man has now grown into a colossal creature of consumption, huberous.

The Draconic Man stands.

And so we call upon thee,

Blaine, son of Gibb.

What?

Barbara from the Men of Dunkel.

Christopher of the Maris,

and John of those who rise and sing.

You four have been chosen by destiny to lead the charge, to gather our ranks from worlds beyond, to face head-on the imminent threat of Hubris

and save the Inniverse.

Do you accept this quest?

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes?

No, you're John now.

You're John.

You're you.

I said that in an American accent.

I guess we'll have to find out in the next campaign of Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

Hey, what?

Ready Ready to buy a car, a home, or just want to take control of your money?

Your FICO score matters, and 90% of top lenders use it to make decisions.

Check your FICO score for free today without hurting your credit score.

Visit myfICO.com/slash free or download the MyFICO app today.

My FICO gives you the score lenders use most, plus credit reports and real-time alerts to help keep you on top of your credit.

Visit myfico.com/slash free and take the mystery out of your FICO score.

Suffs!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home!

Winner, best score!

We demand to be seen!

Winner, best book!

We demand to be quality!

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.