#648: Moral Kombat

Wearing a fucking Punisher t-shirt right now, man.

Don't I look like fucking macho?

Who'd like to double down?

I'd like to double down that I think think friends is better than Seinfeld.

I was too lazy to find Teddy's real

leash, so I had Sox's leash, which is a pink leash with his pink

bow tie.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave.

And we have Walt here.

Yo.

And we have Q here.

Hello.

And we're going to have a special guest in a little bit, right?

Walt?

A little bit, yeah.

Keep it under raps, toll.

That's tough.

Yeah, big surprise.

Keep them on the edge of their seats.

Keep them waiting.

Some stuff this week before we get to that.

Green dildos, Walt.

They're all over the place.

Yeah.

People are throwing them in other places?

Three times now.

At just

the green dildo.

Oh, no.

The only thing that makes a WNBA interesting, they're all mad about.

Well,

what they've done is they did a classic mistake.

Somebody threw a dildo on.

They overreacted.

They got a fucking grief counselor in, and dickheads were like, oh, this is awesome.

I'm going to get a green dildo and throw it on the fucking field.

Dude, you're not.

If they had just said nothing and not made a fucking federal case over it,

it would be a long while before a green dildo got thrown on that court.

Now it's a thing.

Now it's a thing.

Even Las Vegas is getting in on it now.

Now you can bet if there's going to be a green dildo thrown

during a game.

It's like going to hockey.

You want to fight, right?

Yeah.

Like now it's like, I just want to see the green dildo.

And if it's not green, is it a little less like?

It's like, come on, get on brand.

Yeah, like, come on, man.

Show some effort.

Yeah.

It's got to be green.

It's got to be a purple dildo.

It's got to be mean and green.

Yeah.

Bright green.

Yeah.

There was, you're not that far off about the grief counseling.

There was a lady.

I don't know which player she was, but her wig got pulled off at some point accidentally.

She plays basketball in a wig?

They all do.

Why?

Of course.

Isn't it, don't they?

So it's sweaty.

Isn't it like wearing a fucking like.

Even Hulk Hogan took his bandana off.

Yeah, I would think so.

I would think so.

But yeah, black women are going to wear their wigs.

They're not going to all go wigless on a

basketball court because then it will show their real short hair, and I guess they don't like that.

It's not as glamorous or whatever.

Oh, I didn't realize that.

Okay.

All right.

So it's yet another struggle.

Another struggle.

And this woman who got her wig torn off immediately left the court and ran off, like holding it, you know, like so nobody

felt humiliated.

Probably.

And I guess somebody made fun of her and he got kicked out.

A fan?

A fan said something to her, like made fun of her for it, like made a joke about it and got kicked out of the fucking arena.

Like, what fucking world are we living in?

Can people take anything?

Can they take anything anymore?

Let's take a step back, though.

All right.

Because you took a step back last week.

Unless we know exactly what was said, it may have been more.

That's true.

You know what?

It may have been more another word used.

Fair enough.

Let's not automatically assume it was like just like, ha ha, you're out of here.

I assumed it was harmless.

You're out of here.

Yeah, you're.

I wonder

if you bring up a very well-informed opinion on the matter, but I want to wait to hear what the guy said.

I want to know exactly what was said before I'm ready to be like.

However, counterpoint.

I sat in the bleachers during Yankee Boston games and I heard all sorts of things thrown at both sides of players that would not.

It can get rough.

Rough

sailors could blush.

Yeah, it got real dock side fucking.

Yeah, I mean, it was like, I remember, man, going to those games, and I was in my twenties, and I was like, this is fucking insane.

Yeah.

Oh, it's great.

People can take it a little bit too

far and get a little bit too wrapped up in the game, I think, if you're

throwing out

verbal assaults.

I mean, Johnny Damon's playing so well, and there's somebody telling him to suck his dick the entire game.

It's like, and he just tunes it out.

It's like,

you know, I don't know.

That's kind of what I guess I'm used to.

And then what do you do then when Johnny Damon joins the Yankees, as he did?

Are you just like

when he feel bad after you said all that shit?

No, I couldn't take it.

So he has some pen stripes on.

The second he shaved that stupid beard, that's when we were like, all right.

Well,

he had to because he joined the Yankees.

Exactly.

Damn fucking right, he did.

And he was never the player he was once he shaved that beard, though.

Yeah, but he didn't have the beard, and that was enough.

That was his.

I mean, he wasn't bad.

He wouldn't come over and flop.

But

he wasn't on the caliber he was on those.

No, I agree with that.

But I don't remember anybody being like, he sucked.

But anyway.

Anyway, Kalia Copper was the woman's name.

Security moved towards a Mercury bench, and pointers

pointed out.

Sorry, players pointed out the offending fans who was then booted from the game.

They made fun of her situation on the floor, the refs and officials can be heard of saying to each other.

So they made fun of her situation on the floor.

And it was described as a world-world malfunction.

Well, you see, the thing is, you don't know what color the fan was.

You're immediately jumping to racist stuff, right?

This is what you're thinking?

You don't know the color.

Yeah, you don't know the color of the fan.

You don't know who it was.

Yeah, I do agree that that's

an area that can use some context.

I agree.

I agree.

They don't give a.

If it is just like, nice week, dickhead, then I'm like, I don't know, man.

Like, come on.

They don't give the race of the fan or what they say.

I do.

You know what?

I wish I could fucking throw people out for making comments about me.

I got fucking

maybe one of the harshest

just

blew-me-away criticisms this week after I said I'm really into Friends.

What?

Yeah, I got

a skateboard, it should be shocking.

But I wanted, remember, I said that Friends was better than Seinfeld.

That you did express.

I made that.

And I'm really,

I'm much more into season one now than I was even before I made that statement.

And now it's solidified.

You would like to double down?

I'd like to double down that I think Friends is better than Seinfeld.

Because what Friends does, there's two instances, just in the 17 episodes I watched.

Rachel

is going for a job that she really wants, and she doesn't get the job.

And she finds out while they're all playing a poker, like the girls are learning the rules of poker.

Yeah.

So they're kind of like,

you know, just picking up how to play it.

How many strip poker jokes are in this episode?

None.

See, Seinfeld, there'd be some nice strip poker jokes.

I mean, you know, don't

think that friends can't be naughty because they have a lot of naughty jokes, but they don't go for the absolute low-hanging fruit.

But she gets the call that she doesn't get the job, and then she's kind of like rattled, and she uses her disappointment to kind of lash out and call out

Ross,

saying that, like, because he doesn't want to play.

He's like, we don't have to play anymore.

He knows that she's hurting.

And she goes, no, no, you said that

you're this great poker player and you take it seriously and you put your foot on everyone's throat.

So let's see, you put it on.

She breaks this big giant bet,

and

he intentionally loses because he knows that she needs it.

Okay.

You would never see that on Seinfeld.

There is no war, it's too cynical, Seinfeld.

No, what you would see was they would play strip poker, and she would win, and it would cut to George Costanza sitting there in fucking sock garters and boxers, and it'd be hysterical.

It's well, it's also, like I said, it's too cynical, though, I think, to ever even.

Well, too cynical for you.

say it's too cynical for everyone.

She's tumbling down on that.

But I know I think I'm going to have to stop watching it because and really distance

to that moment?

No, because somebody posted online that they think the reason that I'm into friends so much now is because I didn't grow up with a father.

I grew up in a household with just women, and then I left that household and got married and had two daughters, and I'm too feminine.

And this blew me away, and I'm like, oh my God, am I too feminine?

Well, I don't want to say, but like, do I got to like butch it up?

And like,

why don't we look at it from the other direction?

Like, in which ways are you masculine?

Yeah,

that's what I'm saying.

I don't even know.

Okay, well, you got to at least stall it.

That's a problem that me and you got.

Like, there's a lot of shit that people are like, it's masculine to be able to do that.

You ride a motorcycle.

You're masculine to be able to do that.

You can ride a motorcycle.

Yeah,

got some guns.

You own some guns?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Okay, strike two.

That's what I'm saying.

I think you guys have more than you think.

I got a Prius.

Is that cool?

Like a motorcycle?

Sure.

He drives a Jeep, but he has a Prius.

Yeah.

Hey, man, you know what?

What's more masculine than fucking you put a roof over your family's fucking head?

You know what I mean?

You're a good father.

You're a fucking stand-up guy.

You prepared some great kids for the world.

That's as fucking ugly as it gets.

Do they mean that, like, you're a femme, or do they mean that?

They said the word feminine.

They did.

Because I'm thinking maybe more sensitive.

Dude, you're into fucking comic books.

What's more masculine than that?

I think that's a big.

Don't bring that one up.

That's what you're fucking telling.

You're wearing a fucking Punisher t-shirt right now, man.

You're wearing off like fucking macho.

Yeah, he's one of the few that, like, that you can

point to it as like, you know, yeah, that's a pretty butch comic book character.

I don't know if there's many that come after maybe wolverine sure but even batman now you know hanging out with that boy all the time

he's been doing that since

i know

you know there's a lot of weird things going on with the you're in touch with your feminine side is that a bad thing a lot of women would say that's a great thing i don't want the listeners to be like to like i i can't believe i just think I found out that I'm the most feminine one at the table.

And I was living a lie then because I thought I was like fucking

like macho.

Well, you're into sports.

Yeah.

Yeah, you do got the sports going for you.

All right.

I'd say you're more into sports than anybody else at the table, and that's

huge.

You love baseball.

Not like you.

I'm not into it like you are.

You are with hockey and football.

Yeah, like you get into it, man.

And that's usually like, you know, the mark of a big mark of

masculinity.

Thinking about implementing a couple of things.

Like what?

Like, I want to maybe

get a mustache.

And I'm thinking like

the mustache I like the most when I've seen it around is Dave Windorf Monster Magnet.

He used to have this pencil-thin mustache.

Yeah, I remember it.

Super pencil-thin.

I think I'm going to adopt that with Dave's permission.

I'm going to ask him if I can grow a pencil-thin mustache.

So did John Waters, though.

So look out, you know.

Yeah, that could blow up against you.

And I think I'm going to implement.

That's a handlebar mustache.

No, that's way too much for assembly.

Oh, wow.

That was in a quartet.

And I got to get wax and shit.

I just got to keep it pencil thin or just get a fucking eyebrow pencil.

That's really easy for me.

Or lipstick, I guess.

But I'm thinking about implementing a sag, too.

Now, after I think it's

a sag, you know, like having my pants down past my butt crack.

Huh.

I think I see a lot of guys in the mall.

walking around and ill-fitting pants.

They look tough, too.

And I wouldn't mess with them.

Think I have enough sweatpants I've lost a drawstring?

That I think I can now start wearing them again.

Maybe just going to look befuddled and old

because

you don't have sweatpants with no drawstring is not a great sign.

Well, they don't know that.

They just think it's a fashion statement.

I don't know.

But how many guys do you see our age?

Like, you might see the youth doing that.

Well, that's the thing, though.

I don't know.

I don't see a lot of guys our age

in the mall anyway, though.

They're all younger guys.

So, yeah, you're right, though.

But the guys I see in the mall that look tough and I wouldn't want to

fuck around with, they got a sag.

I don't.

I wouldn't worry about the sag, man.

Oh, I've already started doing it.

Really?

Yeah.

Just throw away all his drawstrings.

Oh, shit, he does have a saga.

Holy she's hanging on the back of his pocket to help him.

There's something else I saw some guy do, too.

I would carry his keys on his head.

Keys like, you know, he had to bound around a belt loop.

I don't have a belt loop, though.

So I have to stick them in my

undies.

I didn't know.

You know what?

That is masculine.

When I first started dating Mary Beth, she used to have her keys on her belt loop with one of those carbineers.

And I'm like, what fucking state do you think you're in right now?

That is

some pillbury shit right there.

She's like, but then I won't lose my keys.

I was like, I remember this.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Enough of that.

You're like, I'm not doing it.

I'm sorry.

I'm just not doing it.

That was a line right there.

I agree with you on that one.

And I've seen online there's masculinity coaches.

Get out of here.

I don't know if you want to be talking to those guys.

I just want to see what they think, though.

Like, maybe a couple, maybe one or two sessions.

Just get feedback from a professional.

But who what kind of masculinity coach?

Like, because you have, like,

toxic masculinity, like Andrew Tate, you know, like a guy who's like, fuck women and pussy.

And, like, are you looking to be like a super macho?

That's toxic now if you want to fuck women?

No, I think it's toxic if you're like constantly talking about it and talking about women as if they're nothing.

Oh,

degrading women.

Yes.

Okay, so.

Yeah, like Andrew Turkey.

I mean, I could try it out at home, though, see how it works out.

I could, you know, start degrading people and

see if it, how I could, if I could pull it off.

I think we should think more.

But for dinner.

I mean, think more like white hat cowboys.

You know what I mean?

The good guys.

whose

masculinity lied in

protecting people.

Yeah, but they still had something.

Doing the right thing.

They still had something on their hip

that I

don't know if I could pull.

Well, I'm not suggesting that you get into gunfights, but I'm just saying, like, that's, you know, that's a different type of man than the Andrew Tates of the world.

Right.

Me, and they spit you.

They had bow legs and shit from riding horses.

I mean, you know, I don't think you got to do all that, but maybe just like adopt some

Western wear.

Maybe I can adopt like a new gait.

Yeah.

Like where I walk like.

I'm not saying good spurs, but maybe cowboy boots.

With sweats?

He doesn't wear anything but sweats.

Tuck them in

so everybody knows you got them.

There you go.

Yeah, there you go.

How's this sound, though?

I'd pay to see Walton that.

Oh, my God.

That'd be great.

A Punisher t-shirt.

Yeah.

My black Adidas.

pants with the white stripes.

So far.

White cowboy boots like the Punisher.

Oh my God.

You don't even know.

Right.

How excited I am for you to say this.

And Shag.

You had me a fucking white boots and the Punisher.

Did you see the new Daredevil?

They restarted Marvel Knights.

And they do it.

Yeah, the line.

I don't want to talk about comics.

It's kind of femme, I think.

Did you say there's anything you can make fun of me?

Okay.

All right.

And

one of the issues is one of the series is Daredevil versus Punisher, and it's fucking white glove, white boots, Punisher.

And I got so fucking excited.

And the next day I saw they're selling white Doc Martens, which I'd never seen before.

So I fucking bought them.

So I got my

white Doc Martens.

At some point, I'm going to rock them.

It's a corny motherfucker right here.

No way.

I can't wait.

White Doc Martens?

Yeah.

What do you wear them with, though?

Well, we got.

Jeans?

Yeah, you'd have to do jeans.

It's like, wear white sneakers.

I got white sneakers, yeah.

I don't, you know, maybe I'm not thinking.

Aren't Doc Martens those boots?

Punks used to wear, like when you go curb stomping?

Yeah.

And they're like laced up to like.

Yeah, yeah.

Just like the punishers.

They're laced up to your like high shoes.

Those are the ones on the left over there.

The ones with the white soles.

Oh, that's like white party wear.

Yeah, that's like.

Like, if you're going to have yourself a white party, those are the shoes you wear for sure.

Look at that guy.

Yeah, he doesn't look like you.

He pulls it off.

I don't know why he's able to pull it off, but.

I'm not saying you're not.

He's so much tanner than you, I think.

That's the thing.

I don't know why he's able to pull it off.

I'm sorry.

Are you suggesting that a white middle-aged man can't compete compete in coolness with a 20-year-old black kid in white boots?

I'm saying you should go for it.

You should try.

And how much were these Doc Martens?

Around the regular price of Doc Martens, I guess.

$100 and change, $200.

$100 right there.

All right.

Maybe can you wear them next week or the next time you come down so I can see what?

It's just so hot out, but I'll bring them down.

Yeah, you might not want to wear them because then you'll scuffle them.

Then you got to wear long pants

and socks that go up to as far as the boots.

Oh, you're not into wearing pants yet?

It's still too summery for you to wear pants?

No, I mean, if it's 98 degrees, I don't want to

be chafing my balls.

But, like,

I don't know.

To me, that's a small price to pay to look like a badass, though.

You know, I'm not going to let the fucking temperature dictate if I'm not going to fucking look.

Well, I think you want me to buy you a pair?

What size?

No, I don't need you to buy me a pair of size.

Six.

So you think that I am, you think that me buying it because they reminded me of that.

And then if another man buys me my shoes, it's even more fun.

He's going to take a shoe shopping, honey.

Yeah, every listener.

I wanted fucking the listeners to fucking turn around on this mindset that I'm a femme.

And the first move is like, I have my fucking partner, my podcasting partner, buy me shoes.

That's some weird shit.

But you rejected it.

Yes.

Yeah.

Because I'm a fucking alpha dog.

That's right.

I'm cowed right now.

But if he got you something else, it would be okay.

Just not shoes.

Shoes are like something you got for your girl.

Go to my beer.

Slice a pizza

or a PlayStation or something.

Yeah.

You could use a PlayStation

instead of the Doc Martens.

Like a PlayStation 6

or 7.

I don't know what they're up to now, but yeah, the most current one, though.

Yeah, five, five.

I will bring them next week.

But I'm going to, and I don't know if I'll be around, but I'm going to, I'll be on my cruise next week.

But I'm going to have have you next year.

When I come back,

you're going to see a pencil-thin mustache.

Oh, nice.

The sag is even going to be probably even more prominent.

You'll be nearly arrested.

Deb has seen the sag?

Deb?

Yeah.

She doesn't know it yet.

I'm afraid to tell her to her.

She's married to a feminine man.

She might get scared, like, when you come home with the sag and the mustache and everything, she'd be like, well, who's this fucking good guy?

She's like, well, you think I didn't know that you were a feminine man?

Did you see me?

You're telling me this while I'm changing the oil on the car.

And you're like, this is like a revelation.

Are you dialing, get him to get a bird out of the house again?

Yeah, but I think I'm going to

kind of cool it on the comic book talk for a little bit.

I think you just stay off the internet.

You don't have to worry about any of that stuff.

Play off the comic book talk.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

I think it's kind of put me in a pigeonhole with the listeners.

That along with other things.

And you know, and I'm not saying that this person isn't even off-base, though.

I didn't grow up with a strong father figure.

Right.

Like,

I wanted my dad.

I've never said this out loud, but

when I wished for a father, I wished it was Lou Costello.

Yeah, that's very cool.

That's cool.

Yeah, but he's not very masculine, though.

He was kind of like a baby man.

Well, behind the scenes, that's not the case.

That's not not the case.

Oh, no, no.

He was quite a hard-ass behind the scenes.

Okay, but

me as an eight-year-old didn't see that side.

I only saw the baby boy, baby man, you know, acting.

Yeah.

You're like, why?

Of all the guys

around.

He's just a boy.

Yeah, of like all the guys that you watched on TV.

I wonder why that resonated with you.

That's a weird.

Because he was funny, I guess.

Yeah, he was like a good time.

He was kind.

He was good-hearted, yeah.

Yeah, and I think the guy's right, though.

I think I might be like a,

I don't think I need the fucking toilet seat ever raised.

But what about Tom Brady, man?

He's in love with him.

He's in love with him.

Yeah.

That's what he should have professed his love so strongly.

I think guys understand it's more of a guy crush than a sex than a sexual crush.

It's like a non-sexual crush.

I've got a whole cruise, though, to reinvent myself, though, and come back a much more masculine person, though.

I don't know.

Should I curse more?

Try it.

Okay.

But so you're going to stop watching Friends, or you're just not going to talk about it.

I think I have to stop watching it.

Even though I fall in love with it, or at least I'd admit it.

Yeah.

Like a secret life, you know.

Like, I know guys have secret lives, right?

Yeah, you just got to scoff anytime somebody brings up friends, they're like,

yay.

Like, something like that.

Why aren't you watching Seinfeld?

Charles Costanza's my boy.

Learn something new every day.

Stern is ending.

Are you ready?

Yep.

It's really strange because I've seen several different accounts of this.

He's definitely ending.

Definitely ending.

I think their series is not going to renew his contract or

I believe so.

I believe so.

Yeah.

And what are you still holding on to?

I still like it.

How, man?

He is the most soft fucking pussy.

He's so I'm a and everybody around and everybody on his show is like fun, like Richard and Sal is fine.

Richard and Sal, yeah, I'll give you that.

But like, anytime I watch a clip, I'm like, who the fuck can can listen to this anymore?

Well,

what clips?

I mean, there's other parts of the show.

I guess I see what you mean, but I still listen to it.

I still like it.

Like, I mean, I don't want it to be

early 90s, Stern.

Like, I like the era with Artie.

Like, that seemed to be a very solid era right there.

But, like, early 90s with the stripper.

Like, I never understood the appeal of strippers on a radio.

I mean,

I mean, that was just because it was nothing else like it at the time.

He was just doing anything he can to break through.

But I don't know.

I like.

I don't mind older Howard.

I kind of got into it.

I know you haven't liked him for a while, but yeah.

Nah, not for a while now.

I mean, he's been in my life since I was fucking 16 years old or whatever.

Yeah, me too.

I started listening when I was going to summer school at 17.

Yeah, it's good.

When he's on WNBC, it would be weird not having having him around.

Do you think he'll get into podcasting or you think he'll go back to terrestrial?

Is it terrestrial radio?

He won't go back to terrestrial.

I don't see how he can do a podcast after he's shit on podcasts so much for 10 years now.

By podcasting,

he's an internet radio show.

What's up?

You could just call it an internet radio show.

We all know what it is, though.

Sure.

And I have seen him taking hits.

They're like, because what's happening is they're saying Howard Stern canceled,

which is not really accurate.

It's Howard Stern's show not being renewed, or he's not being re-signed.

So now that he's being canceled, it's like, oh, I see all this stuff coming up from the past, like him in Blackface and him with Dana Plato.

They're like, you know, he was so mean that Dana Plato, she killed herself the next day.

That kind of shit.

Which

I did not remember that.

When Dana Plato committed suicide, she'd been on the Stern show the other day.

Yeah, I don't remember that either.

But they're saying that's why he's a piece of shit because

stuff like that.

He also saved two people's lives on the air.

On the air, yeah.

So, I mean, I guess if you want to,

you know, well, you guys can look at anyone you want.

But she went on the show.

I mean, yeah, I mean, I think they were.

I think she knew what the show was?

I think she knew what it was.

I think they were just pretty hard on her.

Yeah,

I don't remember the episode.

I don't even remember that it was related to her.

So that's the one.

Yeah, that would have been from the 90s.

I feel bad for her.

Dana Plato?

Yeah.

Things didn't go too well for her after.

No.

No.

None of the kids didn't really go well for her.

I think all three are gone now, right?

No, Willis is still alive.

Todd Bridges.

Todd Bridges, he's still alive.

But Gary Coleman, I just read recently that they may start looking into his

death as a murder.

Got a hit in the head, right?

What?

Yeah, as a murder rather than

an accident.

This had to be, what, 10 years ago to Gary Coleman?

Yeah, easily, if not more.

I thought he was like, didn't he get hit by a car or something?

Man, you remember when those photos of him working as a security guard came out?

Yeah.

It was like, fuck, man.

2010, you're right.

Well, it's a little bit longer.

It's impossible.

The roles just dry up, Q.

Yeah, but he was was on a show that was sick.

That was like.

He must have had poor

management

and didn't get any of the residuals from the syndication, or his parents fucked him over.

But

obviously,

if he was making the syndication money, he wouldn't have had to go and get a job.

But

you just can't imagine there wasn't something,

something for him in Hollywood.

You know,

anything.

If, if it was today

and he was in this situation, he'd be able to start a podcast or do cons or he'd be able to make a money time.

I mean, but there's, and there's all sorts of, like, it's making a major comeback: is the game show on prime-time game shows that

were on when I was small are now coming back in a big, bad way with,

I don't want to say C-list, but with entertainers

of this era who are kind of like, I don't know what they're on, but I kind of recognize that.

Sure, yeah.

It's that same thing.

So he would have been perfect for

great.

Yeah.

I saw one last night,

a match game with Martin Short playing the role of...

Martin Short.

Yeah, playing the role of Gene Rainberg.

Well, he's no asthma.

He's not, which I was surprised that he is the host, though.

I'll tell you what.

He's all in, too.

He is like, he looks like he's having a ball doing it.

Yeah, I don't think that guy does anything that isn't a ball.

I will say, when we did Misery Index, we did three seasons of that.

It was the easiest fucking money and the easiest gig.

I've never before had a job as easy, and I never again will have a job as easy.

You shoot an entire season in a week

in an air-conditioned fucking studio where you have to shoot the time.

So if the show is 22 minutes, you don't shoot an hour and cut it down.

You shoot 22 minutes.

So you do two of those a day and you go the fuck home.

It's unbelievable.

They send a car to bring you home.

Like, yeah, I get why Martin Short's doing it.

Absolutely.

Gary Coleman, he fell at his home and hit his head, possibly after a seizure, and experienced an

epidural hematoma.

He was conscious and lucid the next morning, but his condition subsequently worsened.

He fell unconscious and then was on life support, and then he died at 42.

And then

he stipulated that his wake be conducted by those with no financial ties to him and can look each other in the eyes and say they really cared personally for Gary Coleman.

Then he wrote a later version that said there will be no funeral service, wake, or other ceremony memorializing his passing.

It's like Olivia Soprano.

He must have been bitter at the end.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

42 to be that angry.

There's some lost media with him.

Oh, also, Walt, if you were wondering,

he lost $200,000, which would be $419,000 today on a failed arcade business business called the Gary Coleman Game Parlor.

And then ongoing medical expenses

contributed significantly to his financial problems.

And

blah, blah, blah.

So that's Gary Coleman.

You know, there's people out there that

know this, that they're like treasure hunters, but for lost media

in an era where things weren't saved.

And there's a TV movie with Gary Marshall, not Gary Marshall, what's his name?

Gary Coleman.

Gary Coleman.

And,

you know, people say it's one of the most sought-after pieces of lost media.

Really?

Yeah, I think he's like,

he goes to hell or something like that.

It's a TV movie.

It's a comedy, but yeah, it's one of the things that people point to as the most sought-after things.

Wow.

Yeah.

Well, that's funny because Dana Plato was in a video game.

Oh, what the fuck was it called?

When I was a kid.

And it was all video clips.

I know I played the game.

Bankheist?

No.

Oh, Playing What Fire with Gary Coleman.

That's the one?

Wow.

What year?

85.

85.

The game you played, too, it's called Night Trap.

Yeah, Night Trap.

That's it.

Yeah, and it's like her, it's like a video clip, like a shitty video clip of her talking to you, like, I'm in trouble or something.

I've seen it before.

I've never played the game, but I've seen clips from the game.

Yeah, I remember playing that.

Jesus Christ, man.

That's a bummer.

And for the other house is infested with vampires.

Any listeners out there, though, if you have any old VHS tapes or maybe your grandparents recorded television,

like...

Isn't there that guy that has the first Super Bowl on tape and he's holding the NFL by fucking by the way?

And the NFL is like, we don't care.

Wasn't he just asking for like a million dollars?

Like, how could they not want that?

They don't care.

It's like there's enough footage that it wouldn't be worth it to them, whatever they paid for it.

How does it generate money for them at this point?

I mean, all you got to do is sell a million copies of it at a dollar a piece.

I don't think there's a million people out there who are willing to pay to see something they've seen the NFL films version of.

Why?

I thought it was the only footage of the game.

No.

Oh,

it's the broadcast of the game, the complete broadcast.

So they have the footage of the game.

They have footage of the game like, you know, like high, not, well, like 16 millimeter.

Oh, I didn't know that.

I thought it was just, it was the only existing footage of the.

Oh, now I have.

This is the original broadcast, and he has it with commercials.

Oh, I understand that why they'd be like, like, fuck off.

Because they'd be paying for the commercials.

Yeah, there's really, I don't see how they monetize it to the point where they can make their money off.

I agree.

Unless it goes into the archives of the NFL Hall of Fame.

But what's the point if they have it?

They have enough footage of the original Super Bowl.

Can I read something before we call our guest?

Sure.

All right.

And then the end?

Yep.

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All right.

Hey, before we call our guests,

this also happened.

I just remembered that just now.

I was gay-bashed.

Totally forgot.

I was at Sunday Jeff's real job.

Oh, I had to bring my car in and have it serviced.

And I had Teddy with me.

And I went to see Jeff, you know, see how he's doing over in his department.

Yeah.

Surprise him.

Right.

Make his day.

So I went over.

I noticed that he was busy with a customer.

He was involved in something.

I didn't want to go bug him.

So I kind of strolled over to the

vending machines.

And by the vending machines, there's a coffee pot that I guess everybody's allowed to get a free cup of coffee while you're waiting for your car to be serviced.

And there was an employee there, a young lady,

I guess in her 20s.

And I guess she heard Teddy behind her, and she looked down and she started giggling when she saw Teddy, which is nice, you know.

But then she looked up at me and really started to laugh.

Wow, that's weird.

Yeah, and I'm looking looking at her and like, what's going on?

I didn't say anything.

I was just looking at her with a quizzical face, and she goes, Oh, don't take this the wrong way, but did you ever hear, like, you know, how there's some dogs and their owners who look exactly alike?

She goes, That's you two.

So she didn't hold back.

She was like, Here's what I'm laughing at.

And I'm like, Your face, yeah, your face, and his face.

And now I just think she ain't laughing at the dog's age, right?

I just realized, though, I was too lazy to find Teddy's real

leash.

So I had Sox's leash, which was a pink leash

with a pink bow tie.

So there's another.

This is a total stranger saying it.

That's not good.

That's not good.

That's a bad sign.

And she just walked away laughing.

I'm just sitting there holding

my male dog,

who now both, we both look like femmes.

Yeah.

He ain't got balls and you ain't got balls.

Doing a huge disservice to Teddy.

Yeah, that happened.

And I like, wow.

something's got to change.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's going to.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you look like a dog to me.

That's crazy.

She just was laughing.

He goes, don't take this the wrong way, but like, you know how they say there's

the owners who look like they're dogs?

That's you two.

Did Sony Jeff here?

No, thank God.

He would have never let that.

I went over.

He's like, who's that bitch?

I want her fired.

Nice accidental movie.

All right.

So let me just give the scenario how the game is played before we call our special guest.

All right.

This comes from the brilliant mind of Tom Milaszewski.

Okay.

What's he batting with these?

What's he batting?

Yeah.

I see some people say

he's not batting a thousand.

Yeah.

I wonder what that number is.

I still think it's in the high 400s, though.

And that'll get you into the Hall of Fame.

That's a Hall of Fame career.

Are you kidding me?

Yeah.

Fuck you.

But he has come up with a game called Moral Combat.

You got to love the name, right?

Moral Combat!

A moral scenario will be given, and one of you two, Brian and Q, will defend one point of you while the other defends the opposite.

Someone with a very moral compass will award a point based on the strength of argument.

Brian Hugh can decide who wants which angle or alternate who gets the first pick of argument.

So you don't always get stuck with the shitty end of the argument, right?

But who is the most moral

person in TSD town?

And you needed a game for this.

What's that?

You needed a game for this?

No, who's going to be our judge?

You know, we need somebody with the most highest of moral values to judge.

There's only one man, right?

With the fucking hotline to the Lord.

The direct bat phone to the Lord.

Yeah, let's give him a call.

See if he picks up the bat phone or the

angel phone.

Hello?

Hey, Brian.

How you doing, Dance?

What's up, buddy?

It's coming.

You're going to come up more?

Well,

so you know how the game is played, right, Father?

I read the rules now.

I take it.

I'm judging solely on their argument, not the moral,

the higher moral objective of either one's.

Yeah,

it sounds like it has to be the argument because that's the flaw in the game.

If you're automatically giving someone a shit position to take,

you can't possibly win.

No, I want you to

proceed as if you were in a confession booth.

Okay.

Nice thing.

Did you tell Father Lance about my new abortion stance?

I don't know if he knows.

Yes, yes.

I listened the other day.

How did you feel about that, bud?

I'm at the 100-ant level.

Oh, nice.

We just got to get him now to start speaking out for some human ones, like against some human ones.

That's all we got to get him to do.

That'll be easy.

We'll pull him to the restaurant.

We'll get him a booth, drop him off at a literal college.

Those human ones can be fucking convenient to pitch, is all I'm saying.

All right.

So,

scenario one:

you go to a restaurant that you have never been to before

and see a good friend spouse sitting with an attractive person of the opposite sex.

They seem to be more than just friends based on the body language you see.

They never see you.

Do you, and these are your two arguments, who do you want to go first on this one?

I think let Brian.

Oh, I'm picking who goes?

Yeah, who do you want to go first, Father Lance?

Okay,

I guess guess

Brian go first.

Brian Johnson?

Yeah.

Okay, Bri with Y.

Okay.

So you have your option to argue, tell your friend, knowing it might end the friendship because the spouse will deny it, or it is not your place to say anything.

Which argument would you like to defend?

Not my place to say anything.

Okay, let's hear why you think that's the proper way to proceed with this.

So you see,

my wife.

Oh, we're talking this close?

It's a friend, a good friend.

Oh, my God.

I would have picked the other one.

Because this did happen to me.

Like, this actually did happen to me.

Snowman, it's a snowstorm.

It wasn't.

Yes.

Yeah.

CQ remembers he was with me.

What does this mean, snowstorm?

It was a code word we were talking.

Code word, yeah.

Oh, snowball.

Oh, sorry.

No, I can't make it.

We were out of Chili's, right?

Or Fridays?

We were at Fridays, yeah, over in Hazlitt when it was still open.

And years ago.

It was snowing out.

It was snowing, and we kept peeking our head over the count over the divide to look at this person, and we were like, Where are they going to see us?

So, we made a joke that I was going to put snow all over my head, so I'm a snowman looking over the thing.

Was it a good friend?

It was not a good friend, but it was a relative.

How much should I say here?

Well, I don't even think they're together anymore, so it doesn't matter.

Yeah, well, you care, yeah, what do I care?

It wasn't Ryan Johnson, it was a relative.

Yeah, what the fuck?

I gotta get back to my roots, man,

spilling shit that's not mine to spill.

So, Q and I went to Friday's one night, Father Lance, and my next-door neighbor, who also happened to be the sister of my girlfriend, was at Fridays with another man, and they looked awfully cozy.

Oh, yeah.

And

so I decided not to say anything because this family already had some static going on, and I didn't want to make it worse.

And I'm like, you know what?

Like, it's going to fall apart naturally.

It doesn't need any help from me.

So you had retired your Minister of Truth status.

I had retired that, yeah.

Until she started giving me some shit one day.

Which one?

The sister?

The sister.

So you weaponized it?

So you pulled the card?

I pulled the card.

I know something that you don't want anyone to know.

That's exactly what I did, Father Lance.

Yeah,

I said, you know what?

I said, there are things that I know that I haven't said that could destroy your family.

And she was like, what are you talking about?

And so I told her the snowman story.

And her face was fucking like hit the ground, man.

She was like, holy shit.

How satisfying was that?

It was awesome.

It was awesome.

And like I said, incidentally, the marriage did fall apart eventually, like without my input.

So I, I don't know, a lot of times in those situations, I think if it's a really, like, if you're talking Walt,

then I'm telling him.

If you're talking this guy, I'm like, you know what?

I'm stepping back.

I'm not going to get in the middle of it.

Because then they tend to blame you, Father Lance.

Like, you know,

I go and I'm like, hey, you know, I just thought you should know this.

And then he turns on me like it's my fault or like I had something.

Somehow.

Somehow.

So it might end the friendship, though, because the spouse will deny it.

Could end the friendship, yeah.

If you tell them.

What if it's just a quite, you know, you're interpreting, what if you interpret the body language wrong and it's a relative, it's their

cousin they haven't seen in years.

And then you're like, hey, I got something, and they're like, oh, yeah,

yeah, well, I'll tell you what,

and the body language definitely led me to believe that

it was like nine and a half weeks over there.

It was 99 degrees in that fucking chili.

Yeah,

it was all sizzling.

It wasn't just the fajitas.

Yeah, so bottom line, I think I, unless it was, I was really close to them, so this is like kind of a weird answer,

I would just mind my own business.

It's not your problem.

No, it's not my problem.

But Father Lance, I have to admit, I would tell other people.

Possibly on Mike.

Okay.

BQ, you have

to tell your friend, knowing it might end the friendship because the spouse will deny it.

I do feel that that's what I would want someone to do for me.

You know, I don't want to get played the fool.

But I think there's a way to couch it where you're not being like, dude, your wife's like

stepping out.

Stepping out.

Like, let's say her name was whatever, like Sally.

I'd be like, oh, man, I saw Sally at

Chili's the other night.

I said, I didn't get a chance to say hello.

But so if she saw me, I didn't mean to be rude, but just something like that.

But finally, can I help BQ?

Sure.

Why don't you just discreetly take a picture of them with your phone and then send an anonymous text?

Oh, anonymous text.

In its essence, you're telling them without even you getting involved in.

You did the right thing.

Father Lance, not only a rat, but a scared rat.

No, I did think about that.

I was like,

in the moment, I think there's 100% chance I'd have to take a picture or even video

without them knowing.

But I think

I would lead with, oh, I saw Sally at the thing.

Would you mention she was with somebody else?

No, because I'd wait for see what he said.

Oh, yeah, yeah, she went with her with her sister.

Yeah, they were going out Christmas shopping.

Oh, it was snowing, as I recall.

Any reports?

Sister?

I'd be like, oh, I don't,

is this like a trans thing?

Because, like, it's,

yeah, then I would be like, oh, I'd be like, well, I made a joke.

I took a picture of her to send you.

I was like, and I just did it like I was stalking your wife as a joke to you.

I I was like, but I have a picture.

Is that her?

With that dude?

So now I have no respect.

I'm just an innocent fucking lamb wandering.

He knows what you're doing.

He knows what he's doing, Father Lamb.

But I'm doing it on purpose.

I'm doing the right thing, I believe.

Okay.

Well, okay, so you would say that cheating is immoral.

Everybody would agree to that, right?

I think in some situations it's

warranted in some situations.

I think if you're in a marriage and your partner's like, look, I'm just not banging.

I have no interest in sex, and you do.

I mean, you got to go, you got to do what you got to do.

I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know if you should do it like callously, but I would definitely not suggest having a sexless life because your partner's not in the mood.

Well, then you got to go through the right steps, right, Father Lance?

You got to either break up, you got to divorce, you got to give that person the opportunity, or at least tell them what you're up to.

You don't go fucking canoodling in the chili's, I'll tell you that much.

Yeah, or a cold play concert.

Yeah.

Okay, Father Lance, who

gave the better moral argument?

Well, you know, I have personal experience with this.

This happened in my family.

And,

you know, like the whole town knew,

but

the wife, and when it came out, you know,

when it came out, it was pretty bad.

And you knew too?

I'm sorry.

And you knew as well?

No.

No, I did not know.

Nobody confessed.

This happened when I was still a kid.

I was 12, 13.

You didn't have a collar at that point.

No.

No.

But yeah, so like everybody knew.

He was seeing somebody he worked with.

Did you get your collar at what?

At 14?

No, no.

31.

Oh, okay.

It's like a prodigy.

So, yeah, I saw like firsthand how

everybody being like, it's none of my business

kind of played out in real life.

So I guess I'll give the point to Q.

Ooh.

Wow.

First blood in moral combat to be Q.

So you don't get over here.

You don't recommend holding on to it until it's time to weaponize it for your own benefit.

But what do you think as

the be-all-end-all of the moral

arbitrator here?

Somebody who's dealing with this listener, what would you counsel them to do?

Right.

I mean, if this was like a true situation and they didn't have

anything more than, well, didn't look good, but

with no evidence, I think I might say, well,

maybe keep it to yourself, but keep an eye on her.

And if you see more, then maybe come forward.

But that's a lot of responsibility.

Now, all of a sudden, sudden

throw a marriage into contention over a meal at Chili's.

That's a little bit.

That's not your place.

Yeah.

Why don't you agree with me then?

I kept it.

Do I split the place?

No, you already gave it to Q.

The judges say you cannot

go back and recant.

I mean, on a personal level, I would definitely want to know.

I wouldn't want to be playing.

Yeah, I would want my friend to tell me.

Oh, 100%.

You ready for number two?

So I could start plotting my revenge.

Yeah, of course.

BQ, you're going to get to choose your argument.

While driving home in a bad thunderstorm, you send a text message to your significant other telling them you will be late.

A drunk, homeless, I don't know why it's a woman, it could be a person, stumbles in front of your car and you hit them.

After getting out, you see the person is dead.

Before you can call the police, a mudslide takes the body away down the river.

Tom wrote this one?

Yeah.

Great.

Do you still call the cops and report the situation, even though you may be responsible in some way?

Or do you say the body is gone?

You know, this was God's will.

Obviously, he sent this mudslide to help me.

Yeah.

And

you just get back in your car and drive away.

Can I ask for a couple couple of small details?

Sure.

Is my car hit by the mudslide, or I'm fine.

The car is fine.

I'm sure the mudslide probably,

what was that car you're driving around with the year from the Crown Vicar?

Year Crown Vic probably has some mud issues.

But not destroyed.

It didn't get washed away.

No, no, thank God.

Just the body's gone, did you kill?

Well, calm down.

I've been broken up over here.

If I can't flee the scene, that's an issue here.

All right, so I drove past the mudslide.

I got out.

You're saying homeless person?

Homeless person.

I don't know why, Tom.

No, it matters.

Okay.

Trust me, it weighs in.

Well, how would you know they're homeless?

Well, they're not wearing a sweater vest and a bow tie, you know, something like that.

Yeah,

shopping car was also taken away by the lungslide.

They got newspaper for underwear.

Like, you know, everybody knows what we mean.

Which argument do you want to

give to Father Lance?

I will

lean towards not taking responsibility for it.

Really?

Really?

How do you, how do you, I would love to see how you present this in a way.

Only because I wouldn't.

So I don't know how to argue against it.

What I would do is,

what I would do is say, I would call the cops.

I said I was driving.

Some woman ran out, hit my car.

I got out to see if she was okay, and a mudslide got her.

I wouldn't say anything about me hitting her and her being dead.

I would give them a version of the truth.

Right.

Like, you know how sometimes sometimes deers run into the side of a car?

It would be like that.

I would be like, I was driving.

I guess she was running away from the mudslide because she just ran into the side of my car and

then she got blown away.

All her injuries would probably attribute it to the mudslide, though.

If they didn't find her body.

Yeah.

Father Lance, what do you have going on in the background there?

It's noisy.

Does the air conditioner run it?

That's it?

Are we on speakerphone?

No, no, we're going through the board.

No, it's he on speakerphone.

Oh, are you on speakerphone?

Oh, yes, I am.

Okay, that's probably

better, yeah.

Okay,

better?

Oh, my God, way better.

Yeah.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, guys.

No, it's all right.

Yeah, I just think like all the pertinent information is given to the police

while I'm not.

Yeah.

Why should BQ have to fucking

because he was drunk?

The woman ran in front of my car.

That mudslide was actually an alcoholic drink that he had with him.

Cool up there.

I would never tell anybody that I hit the woman and killed her, and she got ran away with mudslide.

So whatever side argument you think I'm taking right now, it is not taking responsibility for the truth of the matter.

You know, this person was going to die anyway from the mudslide, whether I hit her or not, or him or not.

And Brian, you have the easy argument of like,

yeah, call the cops and just spill my gun.

So what happened?

Yeah.

I mean, I guess that's what I would have to do.

Because

he's assuming that she's homeless.

Tom.

Tom is, yeah.

Yeah, he's hoping.

He's hoping that she's homeless.

But

they still may have relatives.

They still may know people.

Like, is she going to be found?

I guess.

I think I could attribute it to the mudslide, though.

It really would.

I mean, it depends also, like, I've seen so many forensic files where it's like somebody hits a person and they're like, oh, I'll never get caught.

And then like the tiniest piece of plastic from a mirror that was on only one year of one truck or something, and then they get busted.

So I would be afraid that that would happen to me.

And I would be like, look, this lady, and I would give a version of the truth as well.

I'd be like, she ran out.

You're saying exactly what I said.

Yeah, pretty much.

She came out of nowhere.

Like, I hit her.

And then this mud slide came.

I don't know if she was running from the mud slide or if she was running from somebody else, but anyway, she was carried away by the mud slide.

Thankfully, I'm fine.

Yeah, and then so's the Crown Vic.

Yeah, I guess it really would depend on how much damage it did to my car that if it's like I can't because they're eventually going to find her, right?

I would imagine eventually when they clean up the mud, they're going to find a you know, a dead body underneath all that mud.

Is there a lot of damage to the front of my car?

It's raining, so I'm not worried about blood too much.

Well,

I don't know how often you guys hit deer in New Jersey, but hitting a deer in Western PA,

it's not a joy.

No, no, no.

Only because it was pouring rain.

What effect would that have on the body hitting your car?

It would wash the blood off the car.

Oh, no, I'm just talking structural damage.

Oh, structural damage.

You're not getting away without dents and

a braid eater, probably smashed.

I mean, my wife hit a deer a couple years ago.

It was a pain in the ass.

So, this story

brought up a repressed memory for me.

Not repressed, but once something I've never really thought about or remembered.

But the night before,

what's the matter?

Nothing.

No, my phone is just, I didn't always use my phone, so it's like not that charged up.

Can you charge it when it's

QI?

Hold on just a sec, Father Lance.

Georgian?

Yep.

All right.

We're good, Father Lance.

The night before Sandy hit,

my daughter was spending the night at a friend's house in Lower Scenic or Upper Scenic.

I can't remember where it was, behind East Point.

I know people don't know what I'm talking about.

And we were getting worried about we had to go to a hotel and evacuate.

So I was like, well, we better go get her so we can get out of here tonight.

And it was pretty bad the night before all the flood hit, you know, all the

flooding happened.

So I didn't know where she was staying.

I had to just go to her house and I wasn't familiar with the street.

So I was kind of looking at my phone to see the address.

And I looked at my, so I made, I started to make the turn and there's nobody on the streets.

There is nobody on the streets.

It's like 10 o'clock at night.

It is pouring.

The wind is whistling.

Trees are coming down everywhere.

And as I turn out of nowhere, some guy dressed entirely in black,

riding a black motorcycle, comes flying down the street and I slam on the brakes and he slams on the brakes.

And he is literally like you couldn't fit a piece of paper between him and the car, but like nothing happened.

I got out of the car just to see if he was all right or anything because like he had a pretty violent stop.

But

he freaking got on his bike

and looked at me like I was Satan.

Sorry, Father Lamb.

He looked at me like I was a monster.

Like wide-eyed.

He was, I don't know, he was in his 30s or something.

And he just kept looking at me and just tore off on his bike, looking over his shoulder the entire time like a madman.

It'd be funny if you ran into another car while he was doing that.

And

that kind of scenario just reminded me of

that.

Like, I hadn't thought about that because I didn't hit him.

Right, right.

But it was like,

that's pretty close to what had happened.

I didn't think he was homeless, but it was weird, though.

And I don't know why

he was hell-bent to get away from the scene, though, for whatever reason, though.

It's probably nerves.

I thought maybe he was stealing.

The mic

or something.

He was up to no good.

And he did not want to get caught in that area for whatever reason.

He wanted out of there desperately.

Wow.

All right, Father Lance.

That was just a...

Well,

the morality of the situation is like, what should you do?

Yeah, you should call the police and tell them, look, I hit a person.

I'm not sure how badly they were hurt because before I could even get out to check, a mudslide came.

Yeah, that's the same.

I was just like, look, I'm not a doctor.

I don't know that this person's dead.

I can't say anything.

You know what I mean?

And she was swept away by the mudsliding.

In fact, I might even argue

that the mud swept her in front of my car.

Why not?

Next thing I know, right?

Like, next thing I know, there's fucking mud coming down.

I got terrified.

I saw a person lock eyes with her.

I tried to save her.

I almost lost myself.

Why, Doc Martens, they used to be white.

You guys like the ponies, you're right.

Who gets the point, Father Lance?

I've got to go with Brian on that one.

I think we made the same argument.

Well, there's what I would do, and then there's what you should do.

Yeah.

All right.

Okay.

Scenario three.

This one's crazy.

You take your teenage daughter and niece to a cabin for the weekend.

They decide to go for a swim when a strong current comes and sweeps them both out to sea.

You can either A, save the niece first, she is the weaker swimmer, and you assume and hope your daughter might be able to hold on while your niece has no chance.

Or save your daughter, even though she is a stronger swimmer.

You would never be able to live if your child died.

Wow.

Sophie's choice.

This is some dark shit from Tom Milishewski.

Really is.

What's going on over there?

I'll let Brian pick because he has a kid.

I don't.

So I'll let you.

I want to hear your take on this.

Okay, so we're going on a trip.

We stop.

We're Oceanside, I guess, because that's where the current would be to sweep somebody away.

And my niece and my daughter both get swept away.

This is tough because I don't have a daughter.

Can I say sister?

No, that would be a daughter.

Pretty much your daughter, right?

But you have a niece.

I have a niece, yeah.

Yeah, so this scenario could happen.

It could happen.

I mean, I well, you have two nieces, right?

So there you go.

It's your two nieces.

Okay, my two nieces.

All right, instead of a daughter and a niece.

I'm going to save Sage.

Even though she's probably the stronger swimmer, I don't want to risk it.

Right.

Yeah.

So, yeah, my two nieces get swept out.

The older niece is probably going to have to fend for herself until I can get back there or

or not.

So, you say, go for the daughter.

I'm going to go for the daughter.

Yeah, I'm going to go.

Yeah, the blood.

Yeah, I got to, I got to be

you were a fireman.

Did you ever have to go in and get away with that?

We did water rescues, but

my buddy was the one who got the big water rescue that he got all the medals for.

But

we did water rescues, but nothing like this.

But, hmm.

See, because I think that

if your daughter's

the better swimmer,

then

I think you've got to go for the niece because you have a better shot at saving both that way.

And

if you do that, then the ultimate good is achieved.

And you don't have to live with a life of losing someone.

If you go for your daughter and let your niece just die, you have to live with that too.

Like, it's not like you're like, hey, that's no problem.

That's an explanation to your brother or sister, though.

That's not.

Yeah, once again, that story comes out however you want it to come out.

You know, you can soften that blow for them.

But, but there is no opportunity to save both of them that way, where

there is an opportunity to save your niece, whom you do love, and your daughter.

So

I think I really feel like you should try and get the weaker swimmer out so she definitely doesn't die.

And then get the stronger swinger out.

I know there's no option, no third option, Tom.

That's the brilliance of the game, no third option, Tom.

But I don't know if I would, I would be like,

both of you get on my back, and if we all go down, at least we all go down together.

I don't have to live with it then.

But at least I go down trying to save both of them then.

Well, what good is that going to do?

I know.

But then you might as well just save your daughter then, because then you'll both live.

Right now, you're dooming both.

And you're killing your nephew and your niece anyway.

Well, I'm not certain to fail.

There's a chance I might make it happen for both.

What?

I've seen you swim.

That doggy paddle is strong, Hugh.

I know pants ain't that low.

All right, all right.

Fatherlands?

Oh, it's really

right.

That's a losing proposition, no matter what.

Somebody's devastated.

Or nobody's devastated.

And there's only one scenario in which nobody's devastated.

Right, right.

Yeah, I think I'm going to go with Q.

Even I would go with Q.

Because, like you said,

that's the only way, right?

If we're just looking at all the variables, that's the only chance of everybody surviving.

Whereas

if you take...

He's just saying fuck you to the niece.

Yeah, but what if you get the niece out, you get to shore, you turn around, she's gone?

I know.

Well, that happens, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, but in my scenario, though, let's say, even let's say all three of us go down, though.

There's probably a statue in my honor, though.

Well, you failed to see a two statue.

Yeah, but I tried.

But who's going to tell your story?

You know, like a bronze buff statue, like I'm ripped and everything.

A lot of people drowning.

A lot of people drown the the United States every day.

I've yet to see one statue built at people who didn't survive a drowning.

Well, I'm talking about the guy who tried to save them and then drowned.

So they're not part of the statue, just you?

They're not even clinging to your legs or anything?

It's just my statue.

He was a great man.

He failed to save two little kids.

He couldn't choose.

Maybe if he had pulled his fucking pants up,

he almost had him, but then his pants slipped two inches down around his knees and he he couldn't paddle anymore.

All right.

You have worked.

Oh, this one is really good.

This one's really good.

You have worked for your father in his business for the last 20 years.

Due to his recent declining health and big business, the company is failing.

On his deathbed, you find your father's insurance is going to lapse at midnight.

The insurance money is enough to pursue your dream and take care of your family, most likely, for the rest of your life.

Do you

do nothing and sit by your father's bed and watch him pass whenever that might be, even if it's after midnight and the policy doesn't kick in?

Or take actions into your own hand, just a little pinch

of the nose

and see him peacefully go

to the angels

at 11 o'clock.

11.59, really?

Well, you know what I'm playing close.

They're like, you know, those insurance companies, they'll try to fuck the bagel out of it if it's close.

They're like, not in Malatim.

BQ, you got first fibs on this scenario.

Well, obviously, I think I'm going to take not killing my father as the more moral choice.

But in reality,

I don't think I'd be able to do it.

No?

No, I don't think.

I'd rather I'd rather work hard and earn money than,

you know, kill my dad.

He's going to die anyway.

Yeah, but it's going to be either 12 hours sooner or later.

It's like there is no.

You can't just jump online and renew the policy.

Like, is that immoral?

They know what you're doing.

They know his condition, too.

Yeah.

I couldn't kill my dad.

Isn't that how insurance policies work?

I mean, once you have your life insurance, you have it, right?

Well, so they drop you.

I don't know, man.

I couldn't live with no,

I would not be able to live with kill.

I wouldn't be able to live with killing anybody, let alone my dad, you know, who I love.

Just imagine you're putting the pillow over and his eyes pop open.

He's like, you.

No.

You, no.

Thinks it's an IJ prank.

This is how bad it's at, Father Farland.

We use a leech for something the other day on the TV show.

A real

leech

that they use for bait, like bait leash.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And I was like, well, what happens to the leech now?

And I was like, I can't.

They're like, no, they put it in alcohol and kill it.

And I was like, what?

I was like, what do you mean you kill the leech?

Kill the fucking leech.

Do you have a leech at home now?

No, because it had blood in it, so it's a biohazard.

So they killed it.

They're like, look, it was either this or get fed to another fish.

But I was like,

I felt really bad about killing a leech.

So fucking a leech I can't kill.

You paid three grand to have have somebody come and adopt a leech.

Yeah.

First class for a leech.

That fucking cat is doing well.

I saw the pictures.

Yeah, she's doing good.

I saw the pictures.

Yeah, yeah, that's great.

So wait a minute, because the leech, but that's what leeches do.

They suck blood.

I was going to say, did you have these leeches on yourselves?

No, no.

Well, leeches were on something, and it got blood in it, and they can't.

Was it one of the IJ performers?

I don't want to say anything because

it's not my story to tell.

But I was very concerned about the leeches point.

And you can't just throw them out because they're filled with blood.

So they're considered the biohazard.

So you have to kill them and destroy them.

But you don't have enough swag on that set to be like, I don't care if it's biohazard.

I'm taking it home.

I'm a leech wrangler.

What am I going to do?

Hey, put it in a fucking bucket.

Fucking nurse it back to health.

I don't know if that's how it works.

Go throw them in a lake or something.

Or just, you know, let it suck on your finger.

Yeah.

I'm like, every day, I'm like, here we go.

Feeding time.

Let's see a movie where

you were like Seymour.

Yeah, that was at Seymour.

Like in a little shop of Harvest where they feed the planet.

Yeah.

Anyway, so no, I wouldn't be able to do that.

So you just sit by and you see that clock tick closer to 12 and

you're okay with whatever happens.

I'm not happy.

I'm not happy, but I can't kill my dad.

I wish he would go at 11.

Yeah.

Brian Johnson.

You have to argue the other side.

Yeah, well, Father Lance, there's something known as the greater good.

Now, I have a now, my dad's going to die anyway, and I'm going to be settled with a failing business.

There's not going to be any money for anybody because of this life insurance policy.

Blame it on the insurance company.

They're the fucking monsters.

They are, yeah.

You?

Not me.

Father Lance.

I need this point.

You need this money.

Maybe big fucking insurance don't need it.

And if I know Edgar,

he would want me to do it.

And I think I do know him.

I just spent, I had more Johnson interaction these past like five days than I think I've had in the past five years.

Nice.

Eric came down and visited.

We went to Clam Fest.

We went to dinner.

We went to the beach.

We went to Edgar attending all this stuff, too.

Wow.

And Eric and Darren.

Darren, yeah, yeah.

Eric, Darren, my sister.

Would you guys draw straws to see who's got a pinch?

Over daylight.

She has the oldest, and you probably should do it.

Yeah, I'll be like, boys, I got this.

But you get a bigger cut, though.

You say, hey, if I'm going to go.

Oh, definitely.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

I didn't even know they were getting anything out of it.

But ultimately, like, yeah, I think it would save the family.

The guy's going to go anyway.

And I think that's really, like, ultimately, that's what he would want me to do.

That's what I would want somebody to do.

If I'm like, hey, man, I'm going to die in an hour anyway.

And if I die an hour before, you're going to get all this money.

Yeah.

Kill them.

Just do it.

Yeah.

Just a little pinch.

Yeah.

Just a little pinch.

I'm willing to sacrifice myself for that.

An hour.

It would be nice to hear him say it then.

Instead of assuming he's just

like that.

People like you saw it.

We all saw it.

He wants us to be rich.

Other lance.

What do you got?

Well, I'm supposed to be judging on strength of argument, not the morality of this.

So I'll go ahead and get away with that.

I'm going to go,

though.

The name of the game is Moral Kombat.

But I'm supposed to be judging the argument, not the morality, right?

Or am I judging both?

It's how you interpret it.

It's your show.

It's what you would do.

Yeah.

What I would do?

Yeah.

Lord.

Would you kill your father, Father Lee?

No.

Well, well, well.

Oh, come on.

Like I said,

what if their eyes pop open?

Well, I just made that rule up.

If he falls for it, that's on him.

Oh, if his eyes pop open and he's looking at you like, what are you doing?

You want to go.

You want a booker on your nose.

You're not peeing the booger off.

You wanted it this way, remember?

You failed us, old man.

It's your fault.

Now it's your fault.

You end up failing business.

I mean, really?

Your poor fucking decisions have made me have to kill you now.

Everything leads up to me having to do this.

It's a hero.

Somehow it's my fault.

I'm a victim.

Oh, shit.

Who gets the point?

I will give it to Brian.

All right.

I did not see that one coming.

Now, I don't.

Patricide.

So it's a Thai game.

Oh, it's got a name?

Yeah, when you kill your father, it's patricide.

See, Father Lance understands this stuff because the Bible is riddled with sacrifices and all kinds of stuff.

I think that's more Old Testament stuff, though.

Hey, it's all good.

That's what me and Father Lance fucking subscribe to, right?

Yeah.

Old Testament.

We don't care about that new one.

It's old school, baby.

That new one's all fucked woke and shit.

Yeah, fire and brimstone.

That's the way they go.

Jesus was woke.

Jesus had blue hair.

I guess so.

I like that stuff with Job.

That's when it was real intense.

I guess.

He did a bowed fucking face, God.

All right.

It's a tie game.

Oh, man.

Everybody's on the edge of their seat.

A good friend has an opportunity to make a great deal of money quickly.

He only needs $500 from you immediately.

The return will be at least least $100,000 over the course of five years.

You suspect it is illegal, but you can't know for sure.

Do you, A, give him the $500.

As far as you know, everything is legal unless otherwise told.

B,

you demand to know how this small amount of money will become such a large amount of money before you will give him anything.

BQ, you have choice of options.

No, I think I picked the last one.

Yeah, I picked the last one.

Yeah, you picked the last one.

You get the

so what you're saying is if I give Amir $500, I can expect

returns of 10,000% a year.

It's all on the up and up.

Sounds on the up and up.

It's really weird.

This happened last week.

Mark from Jersey Coin and gold showcase downstairs.

Like he ran up here in the sweat and he's like, I need $500 real quick.

I can turn it into $100,000.

Don't ask questions.

And I was like, that sounds good to me.

You just get my big book.

What'd you do?

I'm only kidding.

This is one of those situations where, yes, it's too good to be true.

And I don't even think that morality has to play into it.

Somebody saying that they need $500, they need it that quickly for returns of

$20,000 a year

to me seems to fall under that too good to be true banner.

I would,

even if it were, even if I knew.

But it's me.

Oh, it's you?

It's me.

It's a good friend.

And I'm like,

I promise you, this is going to parlay into big, big money.

Are you asking questions?

I can't tell you how.

Okay, so you're asking us not to.

Stop asking questions.

All right.

Why are you so fucking nosy?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Mind your own business.

Just give me the money.

I mean, you're acting this frantic.

Yeah.

Scratching his arms and shit.

$5,000.

I know.

And you won't give me the money.

I will.

I will.

Skin Flint.

I will.

See, I didn't know it was you.

I thought it was somebody that I kind of knew, and they're like, hey, I got this great opportunity.

A good friend.

Okay, so it's like you or it's Q.

$500 is a very small amount of money to invest for those kind of returns.

But I figure he wouldn't be asking a good friend for money unless he A knew it was going to happen or B has a crippling drug problem.

You're the way I want in.

Yeah,

I would give you the money.

You'd give me the money.

You wouldn't ask questions.

Nope, no questions.

Really?

No.

Because like I say, you're a good close friend.

I've known you for so long.

You're so fucking moral and on the above board.

I'd be like, there's no way he's doing it.

Well, that's not true.

You did fucking bring down Suncoast.

Oh, I'm going to have Sunday Caffe

by extension, I guess.

And plus, if it's Walt, you probably think he has a line on like action comics number one that's up in some of the things.

He has some sort of collection.

Here's 500 bucks, lady.

Yeah, he's going to turn around and flip something or continue to flip something.

He has a good idea for a business.

Yeah, I'm giving you the money.

I'm giving you the 500.

No questions asked.

No questions.

I mean, unless you flipped out like you just did, when you're like, stop asking me questions.

Like, if you're like, look, it's really sort of difficult to explain.

And I'd be like, you know what?

I trust you.

Okay.

Yeah.

All of a sudden, you're fucking Barbara Walters.

Ask me a million questions.

I mean, that would be concerning.

BQ, I come to you and I ask you $500.

I could turn it into $100,000, but I need it immediately, and I don't have time for any of your nonsense.

Just Just give me the money.

I mean,

the problem is

it's $500.

Why wouldn't I just give it to them?

I wouldn't even be a question.

But I guess if you take the

I will say this: I have invested in friends' businesses before.

Has it gone all the way?

It has never gone well.

It's never gone well.

I've invested in my own business, and it fucking took me for a bath.

Is that the beer one?

Yeah.

Yeah, the COVID really just bent me over a the table and

did it.

Just fucked me.

But

so I would have, so from now on, like if anybody asked me to invest in anything, I have questions, and it's not really a matter of like illegal.

It's more of a lot, a matter of like my days of just being like, ah, he's my buddy.

He knows what he's doing are fucking over.

Behind you.

Yeah.

I want to know what the plan is.

And if you're just telling me that you're just going to take 500 bucks and make it into 100 grand, I just don't find it believable.

I don't even find it possible in a criminal sense because what the fuck are you buying a gun for $500 and robbing a bank?

It doesn't really make any sense.

It doesn't make sense.

But if it's Walt, you got to figure he's going to be a gun.

Yeah, but I have to take the argument.

I got no choice.

I got to take the argument.

I just immediately just kind of like bum rush you and I try to grab your wallet out of your pocket.

Yeah.

And then I run out.

I run out the studio and I almost get hit by a car in a parking lot.

A fucking mugslide comes out and tears you like.

I get in the Jeep and you just see me fucking tear out of here at 100 miles an hour.

Over to the month.

Then he backs up.

He's like, what's your pin?

Are you like, I think it's probably going to go well.

Yeah.

Look, if I suspect that there's a criminal empire afoot,

I don't want to be involved.

I mean, it's Walt Distant thing.

I have to make the argument.

Say it's not me.

Say it's Sunday Jeff.

Sunday Jeff comes to me with 500 bucks.

I mean, I'd have to.

I'd be like, I got to see where this goes.

It's Sunday Jeff.

It seems like a small investment to see what kind of business he's got going on.

His face is covered with scabs, though.

There's a lot of guys who I'd give the 500 bucks.

Like, I don't know if Jimmy the hair guy ran up to me asking for 500 bucks.

I thought I'd give it to him right off the bat.

You need to bet it first.

I might be like, what's going on?

You need to know a little bit more.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

nothing wrong with that hey it's it's money yeah you just can't throw it around willy-nilly to make to have 500 i got 100 000

it's a fucking government

all right father lance

pivotal point right here

um

my personal uh experience is is is coloring my decision oh you have experience with this i had a business partner who was robbing me blind

no way another another clergyman robbed you no no this i this this is long before i was clergy i co-owned a comic book store for a very short

oh did we know very short i remember you saying this what was the name of your comic book store crusader comics and cards

and your partner was uh

oh he was in the till

the whole the whole time yeah

after a year i got out of it how'd you find out

well i you know because i took out loans, you know, just to open the place up, right?

And, you know, I'm like, okay, where's so where's the money so I can pay this loan?

Oh, we didn't make any money this week.

And he's across the street at the bar every night, you know,

you know, buying rounds for everybody.

So, yeah.

I mean, I, I, I, luckily, I got out of it.

I got my, got my, I was able to get my money back because he finally did make a good purchase.

But I said, I'm taking that and I will take it to the next convention and sell those.

And

we'll be clear, that's what I did.

What year would this be?

Would this be around the era of

this would have been, you know, it was a great year to get into it.

93, 93, 93?

You guys should have been swimming in money.

Yeah.

They probably were.

No, this was after.

This is after the death of Superman.

This is when

this is when Marvel got the bread idea.

They were going to self-distribute and all that.

And

that's kind of when everything went to shit.

93, 94.

at least around here like comic book stores around here close

by this

a bunch of them closed just because that business model just didn't work did it sour your

love affair with comics

it did i thought i stopped collecting well because i had put my collection into the store and i just didn't have the heart to like start it up again you know sweet discount either right oh man it killed your love for comics.

Wow.

I mean, I still thought, well, I guess I went more media at that point watching,

you know, following the movies and stuff.

But yeah, I realized.

That's funny.

I brought a comic book.

What's the last comic book I bought?

Probably a couple years ago.

I got

some Hellboy collected trade paperbacks.

Walt, you're talking about comics, guys.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

I just caught myself, but I found it so it was deliciously ironic that

I'm buying Hellboy Copy.

It's pretty funny.

All right.

So that means who got the?

I will give the point to Q.

Ooh.

Took a big one-point lead because there's not many questions left.

Sunday, Jeff has come to you with a secret that has been keeping him up at night.

After confessing his crime to you,

he is assured you will keep his secret.

He leaves feeling relieved.

The next day, you read in the paper, someone else has been arrested for the crime he confessed to.

Do you A, go to the police and tell the truth so an innocent man won't be punished?

Or, Sunday Jeff is my boy and I won't betray his trust no matter what.

Who gets first picked?

Who gets first picked?

Oh, man.

Do we know what the crime was?

Let's say it's

stealing a car off of a dealership lobby.

Okay.

Okay.

So no one, nothing horrific.

No one's been.

No one's chained to a fucking radiator in a basement.

No, no, no, no.

Nah, that guy will get out of it on its own.

Evidence will clear that guy eventually.

I'm not turning him, my boy, for something like that.

But if it's a bank robbery, though.

Nah.

Anybody got hurt?

Nobody got hurt, but he's got the money, though.

Hey, man.

man.

Oh, wait, man.

I think that's the next scenario.

I forgot that scratched that.

It's the police's job to fucking track down this person.

It's not my job to turn in my boys on the Jeff for a victimless crime.

And I know the victim is the other guy getting arrested for it.

But like,

there's nothing that's going to connect that guy to it.

But let's say you...

you follow the trial

and you're like, man, you know he's going to get convicted.

Like, evidence, his lawyer is, it's not Johnny Law.

It's Johnny come lately.

And so he hasn't done a good job.

So you know this guy is going to go down.

And I know Sunday Jeff did it.

Yeah.

He told you.

It was

burning to him.

Yeah.

I would first go to Sunday Jeff and be like, dude, you can't let this guy go to jail for what you did, buddy.

Like, it's just not.

You can't do it.

Right.

Yeah, but it's like not right on a...

on a whole different level.

I wouldn't do great in jail, Q.

You know I won't do well.

Why'd I even tell you?

I thought you were my boy.

You said you were my boy.

And this is me trying to help you.

I think that you should, I think that you should do the right thing

and go in and tell them that you did it.

And you should not let this.

If the guy went through a trial and was getting off, I would just shut my mouth.

But if the guy's going to jail, I'd have to sit Sunday down and be like, dude, you can't do that.

You can't.

And Sunday's like,

go F yourself.

Well, if I learned one thing from my friend Brian Johnson,

how to weaponize knowledge.

So no, go fuck yourself.

Yeah, yeah.

I would keep my mouth shut unless it got that bad.

And then I would try and talk my friend into doing it.

And if you told me, go fuck myself.

I couldn't let an innocent guy go to jail.

I just couldn't do it.

Brian Johnson.

It's tough.

I think so, Q and I think so along the same lines that it's like everything he's saying, I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But that's not the game here.

The game is to talk about Sunday Jeff and him getting his,

what he deserves.

I've seen lots of crime shows, tons of them.

And many times people will go to jail and it's like, like people will just lie.

Like they'll lie and they'll let somebody go to jail for years, decades sometimes.

Like I'm not talking about people get exonerated by DNA or any of that shit.

It's like people who know that they didn't commit the crime or people that committed the crime and blamed it on this person, whatever, see it all the time.

So, I feel like if somebody else is going to jail for it, I don't know why, but I've always felt that was like one of the most fucked up things you could do to somebody to send them to jail for

something that they're not allowed to argue.

This is something that's Q's point.

Well, no, I'm getting to it.

I'm getting to my point.

Yeah, I'm getting to it.

So, I would talk to Sunday Jeff, and if he did not fess up, I would go to the police and

I would have to.

If this other guy's going...

Is that what Q said?

Yeah.

So you're both...

Again, you're taking Q's argument.

You have to argue that...

You have to argue that I'm not going.

You have to argue that I'm not going.

Yeah,

you're never going to squeal on Sunday.

I mean, if I'm being honest, I would probably be more like me.

I'm trying to fashion an argument for the other side, but I just fashioned my argument for Q's side.

Wait, but wasn't Q's that he would not say anything unless the guy was definitely going to jail?

The guy was definitely going to jail, yeah.

At the end of the day, it sounds like both of them are selling out Sunday Jeff, and I don't like it.

Well, can we use somebody signed from Sunday jail?

Let's say that you were Q.

I don't care what you did.

I'm not saying shit.

That's honest.

That's not true.

Yeah, that guy's going to jail.

Yeah.

And I would maybe like tell that.

Here's what I would do.

I wouldn't say shit to anybody, but I would tell, I would send a note to the police, and I would be like, you have the wrong guy.

You need to keep looking or something like that.

I'm not selling out Sunday Jeff directly, but having somebody go to jail for a crime that they didn't commit, it's just,

jail.

What if it's only six months, though?

Six months?

That's not too bad.

Freaking narc.

Yeah.

If it's only going to jail for six months, then you know it's low, low minimum security.

Narc.

Yeah.

But you're probably going to county if it's six months.

If Walt's been in county, he saw what it was like.

I don't want that to happen to poor Sunday.

Yeah.

I couldn't limit myself.

Like, if I'm like putting, I'm out to eat at Texas Roadhouse and I know what sunday's eating right in the big house

he's having salad

every night night after night yeah like how are you able to be friends with sunday jeff knowing that's the type of man i could not betray it i wouldn't tell anybody i wouldn't tell anybody i would just be like you i don't want to talk to you for a long time don't come near me don't come around me but i need to

but i cannot uh uh get involved i would i couldn't do do it.

I couldn't live with myself.

I'd be like.

But you are involved now.

We told you.

Yeah, I know.

But I'd be like, I would take the onus off me.

I'd be like,

this is on your conscience, not mine.

And I would just tell myself that.

I could convince myself that I'm in the right.

All right.

So it's Sunday, Jeff.

Yeah, I'm not saying anything

directly to the police.

I'm not saying anything directly to anybody.

What did he do?

He stole a car?

He was taking cars off the lot and selling them.

Okay, Grand Theft Auto.

Eventually, they're going to catch up to him, I think.

But I would send a note to the police maybe saying, Hey, I think you got the wrong guy.

I might even contact the guy.

I mean, like, keep fighting.

I mean, I'm not going to be of any help to you, but you can keep fighting.

All right.

He's like, Yeah, I already fucking know I didn't do an asshole.

I don't need you to tell me to keep fighting.

Who is this?

No, no, nobody.

Who's getting the point, Father Lance?

I like Brian's idea of the anonymous note.

Really?

You preserve the friendship, but you're still doing the right thing, keeping the innocent guy out of jail.

Yeah, but

now you've told a major lie to Sunday.

You betrayed his confidence, and he doesn't know it, but you have this, he thinks you're still his boy.

He shouldn't have stole.

Yeah, but

he did it because he had to.

I don't know, he gave it to an orphanage.

He's likely coming off on the next one anyway.

So he's like robbing the hood.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

A friend has committed a bank robbery,

and he, instead of keeping the money out of guilt, he gave it all to an orphanage.

Wait, can you read that one more time?

I'm sorry.

A friend has committed a bank robbery.

Okay.

And instead of keeping the money out of guilt, he has instead donated to an orphanage.

Do you turn your friend in and the orphans lose the money?

Or do you just keep your mouth shut?

Who picks?

Who picks?

That would be my time.

Yeah.

The orphans are going to be flush.

I'll say that much.

Bank robberies are insured by the federal government who steal all our money anyway.

Yeah.

So I'm not turned into my friend who's doing a very Robin Hood-esque type

deed.

We have some experience with some very uncomfortable.

Ungrateful orphans.

You're right about that.

You're right about that.

Donated thousands to them and you didn't even get a thank you note.

Yeah, even if you don't get that thank you, though, you know it's going for some good.

You know it's going to help.

That's some karma I bought that I definitely will use.

Right.

And it's not even like you were doing the stealing.

You just know about it.

So if he robbed a bank, I mean, he's continually robbing banks or it's just the one.

He committed a bank robbery and a bank robbery, okay.

You find out he donated the entire hall to an orphanage.

No possible way am I saying anything about it.

And plus, if it turns out you get, like, it gets out that, like, you know, Brian ratted on his friend who gave all the money to an orphanage?

Yeah,

he would look like the biggest scumbag.

Yeah, like, I thought he was a piece of shit already.

Yeah,

I don't want to see you right now.

Find out

that

you took the money away from orphans.

Spirit guy snitches on orphans

because usually, don't you get a reward when you get it?

Oh, yeah, and you got the reward.

How much is this reward back?

That's a totally different wrinkle.

Finders fee.

BQ?

Well, you got it.

You have to get the money back.

Right is right.

The money must be returned.

You have to do it.

You have to do it because, like, everybody's just talking about the orphans.

Nobody's talking about the bank staff.

Right.

Or the manager of the bank.

Well, they were scared.

Dude, maybe somebody loses their job over it.

Maybe somebody.

Nobody's losing their job over a bank robbery.

No way.

Oh, sorry.

When were you on the

FA?

I know you took a

criminology class back in 92 with Kevin.

88.

All right, yeah.

So I guess you know more than me.

No, you know, it's not like everything is sun and rainbows on the other side of the equation.

Like, there are people getting in trouble.

There are people suffering.

There are people losing their jobs.

Like, if an orphanage can't be, if an orphanage is so poorly run that they need stolen money to keep up and going, then to my thinking is that those people have no business running an orphanage.

Well, it wasn't like they were struggling and couldn't run

competently, but this money helped every kid get a PlayStation 5.

Okay.

Every orphan.

Everyone there.

Everyone there has their own providers.

They don't have their own TVs.

So let me ask something.

What's the difference between that or the orphans, a gang of 20 of those orphans running into Target and just grabbing every PS5 and running out?

It's the same fucking thing.

It's stolen PS5s.

So, you know, are we going to keep praying at society and coming up with excuses for it?

Or are we going to do the fucking right thing

and, you know, get the money back to the people that it belongs to?

And so you would turn them in.

I would turn him in.

Wow.

With the risk of it getting out that you turned the person in.

I spread it all over.

Yeah, that might, it might come back to home.

Yeah, like all that goodwill you've been.

None of his fucking business.

And it goes in rats.

As like a home, like you were a solid MFer.

They're like, you can't tell him anything.

You can't tell this guy anything.

Suck him up all.

He's the man.

He's the man.

No.

Oh, yeah.

He's the man now.

I'd have to stand by what's right.

You'd be shunned by everybody, though.

Not everybody.

Not that bank manager.

Yeah, big deal.

Not anybody that lost their job.

We're a big deal.

My mom managed a bank for 30 years.

Somebody ran in there, put a gun in her face.

You think I want that guy to get a fucking way with it?

Fuck him.

All your homies, though, man, are like, they drop you like yesterday's bad fish.

What homies?

I got this guy, this guy over here just told me I could murder somebody, so be my friend.

What am I afraid of?

Okay, Father Lance.

Oh, the banks and financial corporations have stolen so much from the little guy.

Screw them.

Let the orphans have the money.

Oh,

I like the way you think, Father Lance.

The greater good.

No problem with a gun in that poor bank manager's face.

No, he just was like George Clooney

out of sight, just a little note.

He's very like suave and charming.

Yeah, that's a most bankrupt.

I don't have a single friend like that.

Who's doing it?

Only two more here.

You work for a clinic.

You come across the test results of your best friend's fiancé.

She was recently diagnosed with chlamydia.

You know that your best friend has been saving himself for marriage, so it didn't come from him.

Do you, A, tell your best friend, even though it will more than likely cost you your career because

you can't reveal stuff like that.

You got to keep that stuff confidential.

Keep it to yourself.

Chlamydia is curable.

Let him find out on his own.

What do I have in there?

Wait, who picks this one?

This is me, I think.

Back to me.

Yeah, back to you.

Okay.

No, no, no, no.

To you.

Back to you.

I never would have picked take the money from the office.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

You're right.

They'd have screwed the bottom of the barrel for that one.

Okay.

What did I find?

What did I find?

You're working in a clinic.

Yeah.

I guess you're like, you know, filing paperwork.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You got caught sneaking in, looking in the files.

You should have been talking before.

I'm a disorder.

All right, so I'm not a medical professional.

No, you are.

You work in an office and you're filing paperwork and you come across it and and you're like, oh my God, that's so-and-so's fiancé.

She's got clap.

Yeah.

I would not.

Now, Sal, in addition to super aids, has chlamydia.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I think it's a weird one because that's assuming I know what's going on in their sex life.

Well, he tells you, right?

He tells you he's having himself for marriage.

Do your boys tell you everything?

My boys don't tell me anything.

Really?

No.

You know, guys don't have the locker room talk like me and get them tell each other everything.

You must do most of the talking, man.

I'm very curious to know how that conversation goes.

He tells me how, like, one night

he pounds that stuff.

Wow.

He's got a headache.

Oat hoops.

He's scary horse in front of me for 20 fucking minutes now.

He's got a feedback on.

Jesus Christ, just put the bag on your head.

He needs a sling for his shoulder.

He's going like crazy on himself.

No,

you know what I'm talking about.

Locker room talk, bro.

It's been so long since you're engaged in it, you don't even recognize it.

I sure remember that as locker room talk.

I don't even know what we're talking about.

His right arm

has to be in a sling because he's gone crazy on himself.

Yeah, it's hot.

That's what you two talk about.

Walt comes in with the good stuff.

He describes his masturbatory.

Same story every day.

No windowless room.

Two feet from the couch we probably did turn it off on.

I don't want to touch a single fucking remote in this room.

You guys aren't tight then with you and your boys if you ain't talking like that.

You ain't giving out the details, the dirty details.

I don't want to know the dirty details.

What are you talking about?

I don't want to know anything about my family's sex life.

I don't think I would say anything because if I'm a medical professional,

I can't.

I took an oath.

You know, there's privacy involved here.

Two, I don't know what's going on in your life, so I'm just like,

you know, maybe.

I don't know, he's saving himself.

We've already established that.

Yeah, but maybe he likes sitting in the fucking corner and watching her get plowed?

Yeah.

He's a cuck.

Yeah, maybe he's a cuck.

I don't know.

I have several of my friends that I would not be shocked at all if they told me that that's what they were into.

So I just feel like, oh,

I would assume he knows.

and

it's not my place.

Like, it's a private thing that he would think I didn't, he wishes that I didn't know.

Couldn't you tell the girl and be like, you should tell him, or if you don't, I will.

I call like a bluff.

No, I call her bluff.

I would assume she knows.

I would assume he knows.

As a medical guy working in the office, I don't think I'd be able to.

You're hanging out with him.

Then he says, Yeah, you know, Claudia.

Oh, Claudia.

Claudia's Canadia.

Okay, right.

He's like, oh, yeah, she had to go to the doctor the other day.

She's got COVID.

She says that, like, even on our honeymoon, we're not allowed to, on our honeymoon, we're not going to be allowed to consummate.

You know, I've been saving myself, but

it's days away.

It'll be worth it, though, because I don't want to get COVID.

Then I would tell him.

Really?

Yeah.

But just before he gets married is in two days?

Yeah.

No, I can't let my boy do that.

I can't do that.

Then I have to break.

And then you have to find a new job.

Then I got to find a new job.

Well, that's only if he turns you in, though, right?

Or would you just quit?

Well, she might turn in.

Principal.

You could deny it.

I didn't tell him.

Well, whatever, I would tell.

I can't let her.

But let's take pictures out on your phone.

And then, you know, your phone gets confiscated.

I probably wouldn't do that.

I would say COVID.

She was info chlamydia.

Oops.

I would not let my friend Seinfeld.

Married a chick who's got chlamydia and lying about it.

I just wouldn't.

Okay.

What if she got it from a dirty toilet seat?

Is that that way?

Is that possible?

i don't know

no i don't think so i think it has to be sexual content i heard when uh

that's how girls could get pregnant though back when we were in high school though off a toilet seat yeah

yeah i think things have changed since then i think people are better informed

i've heard that story more than once though yeah but even but back then they had separate bathrooms for boys and girls not every establishment did the mcdonald's we used to go to waste oh so some guy would go on my mcdonald's and jerk off on the toilet seat

Yeah, and it's like where the girls' privates fall is nowhere near the seat, you would think, right?

Well, you know, it's those just sliding around.

Those, those,

some people have like those super strong swimmers, and they

pick them up the private seat that they could live out of

leaping like a dolphin in the water,

like Hercules swimmers.

Well, anyway, we're going off track here.

So, I guess ultimately, I would tell my friend.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

So you have to go with keep it a secret, Brock.

I have to go with Keep It a Secret?

Yeah.

Well, I'm okay.

I also like, I did take, like, there is a certain vow, right, that you take when you're a medical person

that you have to adhere to.

This is not my business outside of this medical establishment.

And if I did know,

I would say something to her.

Like, in the office, I see her and I see the paperwork.

I say, hey, I couldn't help but notice that, you know,

this is so awkward, though.

Super awkward, but super awkward.

But yeah, I couldn't help but notice your diagnosis wasn't COVID.

And yes, it was.

No, no, I saw the paperwork.

You shouldn't be looking at my paperwork.

I'm going to get you fired.

I work here.

Hey touch me.

Hey touch me in the office.

Yeah, it was COVID.

Yeah, it was COVID.

I was sorry.

I did COVID, yeah.

Those darn Chinese.

Those darn Chinese

so wait, I'm not telling.

You can't tell your friend.

I can't tell my friend.

I can't tell him.

Yeah, I would want to, and then maybe later on, like, you know,

I might even launch an investigation into it to see, like, what she's up to.

Maybe follow her.

You know, or maybe hire a private eye from my friend, and then the private eye can report back to him.

Now, does anybody know what happens when you get this disease?

Is it really horrible, or is it just kind of like a burning?

I have no idea.

I don't know.

I mean, it's not, I can't be that bad.

I mean, it doesn't sound fun.

No, but I mean, at the end of the day, I mean, I'm sure he's he's gone through it's the curable one, so yeah, it's fine.

That's fine.

What do you think, Father Lance?

Now, point goes to Q, you got to let your buddy know he's saving himself, and that sluts out there

getting chlamydia.

Yeah, no go

Common symptoms in women.

Abnormal vaginal discharge,

painful or burning during urination, lower abdominal, pain or cramping, bleeding between periods after sex, and pain during intercourse.

That's for women.

For guys, clear white discharge from the penis, pain or burning, urination, pain or swelling in the testicles, epidemiologist inflammation of the tube that carries the sperm from the testicles.

So it's no fun.

It's no fun.

All right, but I got the point.

Yes.

Yep.

And that was a big point.

It's a tie game.

So this is it.

This is going to decide it.

Last one.

I love when it comes down to one.

Okay.

Oh, Brian gets the choice.

Well, then you just have to.

Oh, yeah.

It's just

a moxicillin.

Oh, I'm on that right now.

Are you?

Yeah, two.

A chlamydia?

Wow.

It stitches my mouth.

Did you?

Were you sitting in a dirty stall?

My mouth was on the toilet seat.

That'll do it.

After having an innocent DM conversation with your high school crush,

she misreads the conversation and sends you a nude picture.

All right.

Which

go ahead.

My high school sweet show now is sending me a picture of what she looks like now.

Yeah.

Send it back.

I blurred the image.

You're awful.

You're an awful universe.

It's low-hanging fruit, buddy.

What are we doing here if we're not taking bites of them every once in a while?

She misreads the conversation.

That was a joke.

And

sends you a nude picture, which you pleasure yourself to.

Oh, my God.

Afterwards, you delete the picture and tell her that you are married.

Do you A, tell your wife, including the pleasuring yourself part,

because an honest relationship is the only relationship.

Or B, you do not tell your wife, you delete the picture, and you do, because you did nothing wrong.

You did tell her you were married, but, and, you know, that was, that was like you made it clear, like, you don't want this to ever happen again.

And you really, I mean, is there an option C where you just keep the photo and just jerk off it to it every once in a while and not tell your wife?

Tom did only put two options.

Okay.

So, receive.

BQ gets the pick, right?

Does he?

No, no, I got the pick the last one, so I've lost this one.

Well, I think this one's dicey.

I think both options are pretty,

I would think most people would be falling either 50-50 on what to do.

I think most people wouldn't tell their wife at all.

And I think if people did, they definitely wouldn't tell them that they jerked off.

It would be like, look at how fucked up that salad sent me this photo.

Look at groceries.

Well, I know what my high school crush looks like now.

Yeah.

So if she sent a picture, I don't think I would turn it down.

She looks pretty good.

Yeah.

Like,

I received it.

That's all I did was receive it.

Now you're saying that in both scenarios, I pleasure myself to it?

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

Okay, so I receive it.

I think I'm taking option B.

If I'm pleasuring myself anyway to it, I'm just, I'm deleting it and I'm telling her that I'm married and that's my business.

That doesn't have to be my wife's business because what good would it do to tell her any of it?

Right.

Because she'd be like, well, what are you talking to a high school crush for?

And I'm like, I'm not.

Why are you receiving a nude pick?

You know, all this shit is.

Unsolicited.

Unsolicited, yeah, but

as far as she knows.

And now that I'm like, oh, by the way, I jerked off to this unsolicited nude.

I don't think she'd be happy with me.

Yeah.

Self-preservation.

That's what I'm calling.

So, what position do I have to argue here?

Your position is.

Bone-headed position.

I'm not going to be the asshole.

That's like, honey,

I'm sorry.

You confessed to it all.

Yeah.

Which is like, you got the picture.

You didn't ask for it.

You did say, hey, I'm married.

Please don't send me any more any of these pictures.

But before you deleted it, I snapped one out.

You rubbed one out.

And I got to tell, I got to

tell my wife that I rubbed one out.

Fuck.

Huh.

Okay.

Well,

if I married someone,

I am assuming that I married someone that was fucking really cool.

And I'm really going to have to coast on that for this one because

there's cool and then there's cool.

Well,

I'm just,

this is a tough one.

I mean, look,

this is a tough one because what fucking idiot would do this?

But, okay, all right, okay.

You know, do unto others as you want done to yourself.

Oh, stop quoting the Bible and shit.

I'm just playing the game.

You know, and if my wife had received a dick pic, my wife.

I wouldn't have heard that in a while.

My wife.

You haven't heard that in a while?

Every friend I have that got to marry just does it for like three weeks.

But everybody's like a right-of-past.

Anyway,

you know,

I would

rather know that she's getting dick pics and jerking off to him, even though it would cut me deeply.

So I think that if you want to be in a marriage that is honest and open and,

you know, godly.

Oh, God.

Look at those guys.

Then I think that you need to

be open and in the spirit

of the Lord, you have to ask for forgiveness and work towards redemption.

And if that comes, and if that starts with being truthful, because she knows that if you're telling her that,

fucking, for some reason, you're telling her that nonsense, that you ain't keeping secrets from her.

Right.

And while it may cause some

short-term pain, what does she think?

I'm never jerking off to my exes.

Is she out of her fucking mind?

Like, I, I.

Can I throw this at you as a curveball?

Oh, I might get this point.

Are you going to fuck me over?

No, no, no.

No, no, not at all.

Finally,

make sure you don't forget about all those things he said about.

The honesty, the godliness.

Thank you.

If you didn't use your hand, like I fucked a couch?

Yeah, or you just, you know, you just kind of rubbed yourself up on

the doorknob or something.

You think she'd be that'd be easier for her to hear?

Like, you just said, like, I saw the picture and then I.

You fucked the door?

No, no, no.

And then I happened, I didn't notice that I kind of walked into the wall.

Now you're just lying.

Now you're lying.

And if you're going to lie anyway, it's like, it never happened before.

I don't know how this happened.

I really.

But you're lying anyway.

And really, it ain't climax.

It just kind of like it's an involuntary climax.

Would that could you could you built something?

Never before medically heard of such a thing.

When we were teens, we used to be able to climax and touch the door.

Jump into a door and fucking go.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, it's been decades, but I used to be able to do it.

Yeah.

Just think about something, and then you could do it.

Yeah, well, you know,

I can't.

You say you're like, you're in the bathroom, and

your thing brushed up against the toilet paper roll.

And oh, my God, I can't believe it, but I climbed my roll.

I was going in the bathroom, but number one didn't come out.

Actually, ejaculation came out.

It's never happened before.

Honey, I'm sorry, but it wasn't the picture.

I think you're lying anyway.

at that point, and it's not going to be believed.

I think you're making it way worse.

It's like, why'd you even bring it up if you're going to have it that worse?

I don't need to see a doctor.

Can we go to the emergency room right now?

I need you now more than ever, honey.

You can't desert me now,

my time in need.

I'm coming again.

Put the fucking phone down with the brake share on it.

I think, in either scenario,

if an ex of mine sent me a naked photo and I was married, I could show that and be like, can you believe that fucking Sally sent me this?

This is crazy.

I know, this is nuts.

I do think admitting that you

jerked off to it is not the wisest choice, maybe, but I think it is a choice that could lead to a deeper,

more stable, trusting marriage.

Or a divorce.

Could

you make the promise I'll never do it again?

I can make that promise.

Sure.

I'm happy to.

Make that promise right now if you want.

Anything else you want to make a promise?

But you got to swear the stack of vibes.

To try.

To try.

Well, yeah.

I have never had

a partner

that I

assumed she just never thought of people that she fucked before.

Like,

that insane.

You think so?

Yeah.

My guys.

All right.

Like, I assume that not every thought during sex is about me.

I would assume.

Yeah, but it's like the weather

kind of shit.

Or guys with abs.

Or guys, you know, she might have fucked when she was 30.

Like,

it's on the human spectrum.

As long as it's like celebrities, then it's like fantasy.

But when it becomes people from their past, I think that's where people get really

unnerved.

Yeah, I think you're right.

I think if I told Mary Beth any of this,

it would crush her for life.

Whoa, I think so.

I think for life.

I think she would not be able to get over it.

She's all gone.

I want to see you brush up against the toilet paper roll and come.

Oh, yeah.

Do it right now.

I didn't realize Walt was saying that as Mary Beth.

I was like, what?

She demands that you, she wants to see this

condition of yours that you're able to do this.

Yeah, I think like the picture would be no big deal, but I'm like, then I went the extra step.

I just like

I would I would feel so selfish for telling her almost.

Yeah, I'd be like, this is not something she needs to know.

It's not something that would change anything.

It could only change everything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I mean.

Yeah, you're right.

It would change everything.

It's not something that could change it for the better.

Right.

You know, like Q's like whole, like, maybe it would lead to a deeper understanding.

That's a huge fucking roll of the dice.

But it's truthful.

It's truthful, but

I mean,

the truth, really.

Wow.

This is going to be be a big decision for Father Lance.

But isn't there a specific quote in the Bible about bearing false witness or something like that?

What is he doing?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, just something to think about, I guess.

I've been covered in my neighbor's ass recently, Father Lance.

I was surprised

nobody thought of this girl

going fatal traction on your butt boiling our habits and everything well she's just such a

well but yeah but now you deleted it and you're ignoring her and she's like I will not be ignored so yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna

think I'm gonna have to go with Q that getting it out there is gonna save you trouble in the future if she goes she gets crazy or if you have

if you have a wife that's you know because you know when you delete something it's not really deleted so you know she you know she's snooping your phone and you know

finds it.

And, oh, what's this?

Yeah, I don't know.

I can't trick you out.

I think you got to say, you know, I think you got to tell her.

You got to be truthful.

Truth point.

Honesty is the best policy, Father Lance.

Regardless of what the fallout might be.

But you don't know what the fallout is.

You don't, though.

I got the point.

It's locked in.

Fucked it.

Yeah, I don't agree with any of that.

I would not fucking

world would I ever even mention

that I heard from this person who's in my phone under the name Tom.

Milaszewski.

You know, Tom doesn't have Tom's real number.

You left your phone out and there's a new picture of Tom Milaszewski.

It was unsolicited, huh?

And there's weird, there's like, it looks like there's ejaculation.

Just come everywhere.

I'm gay, honey.

Jay for Tom.

Yeah,

I don't think there's any harm in jerking off to an ex whatsoever.

No.

Nah.

It's the telling part that has the potential.

I think it's insane for anybody to assume that anybody else is not jerking off to other people.

It's madness.

Well,

it's a layered scenario, too, right?

Because I think most of us would probably say, oh, here, look what this wacko sent me.

Yeah, I also think there's a difference between like going to a hotel room and fucking your ex and like getting a photo and being like, I, you know, I'm married, please don't send me this, and then jerking off.

Like, I don't know.

Well, I might, I might show the photo as a preemptive strike and see how she reacts to that.

She's like, Oh, that's pretty hot.

I'm like, Really?

Because

I happened to bump into a doorknob.

Watch me take care of this door.

That's hot.

Now, that would make money on OnlyFans.

Oh, so BQ, you are the winner of the very first edition of Moral Combat.

All right.

You are the most moral member of TSD.

I did not see that one coming, but here we are.

Fatherland, thank you

for coming on and being the arbiter of morals and teaching us something.

Along with the listeners, I hope.

Happy to do so.

Yeah.

Yeah, I wonder what they're saying to listeners, what they would do in these situations.

Find out the listeners,

the opposite of whatever we said.

Tell them to Steve Dave.

You can read about it.