#639: The Hail Mary of Hail Marys

You would be the goat of finding fucking discarded sexual toys on a beach.

Thanks for saving me.

Nothing sexual happened to me.

Nothing at all.

What were you doing with those fingers?

What did they make you do?

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's unusual edition of Tell him Steve Dave.

Not unusual because Q's not here.

That seems to be the usual now.

But different kind of format, would you say, Walt?

We've done this before.

Have we?

Yeah, I've done it a couple of times.

All right.

So not that unusual.

It's like a clip show.

A little clip show.

Best of best of, yeah.

People love best ofs, right?

They were a staple when we were growing up.

Every season, almost every show had a best of compilation of the season you just watched.

Right, yeah.

Yeah.

And now when you re-watch those old shows and it's the best of, like, or the flashback episodes, you're like, what the fuck?

Yeah, like, there would be an episode in the middle of the season where it's like, hey, let's flash back to how we met somebody and then it's just all clips.

Well, it was also, I'm sure,

a cost-saving

move by the production.

You could just reuse old clips.

I mean,

this didn't save us any money.

I paid the curator.

a fee to go through our Patreon library and compile a best of clips.

All right.

And if there's anybody that's going to do it correctly.

You've got to think it's the curator.

You have to think.

I gave him carte blanche.

These are his picks.

All right.

So if you disagree.

Yeah, if you don't like these clips or you think he didn't do a good job, you know, let him know.

I see him out and about on social media.

So he's out there.

He'll hear you.

Yeah.

And you let him defend himself once in a while.

Yeah, why the fuck should you have to do it?

You're not the one who picked the clips.

Fuck you, curator.

Up first

is an old ad that we pulled because we were terrified that we took the piss out of our own product and it would tank if we released this ad.

It was for the four-color demons jerseys that we were released on merch table.

God, it's got to be going on 10 years now.

I remember when they were shimmery.

They were shimmery.

When I got them like in my hands, because I only saw a picture of them, and then when I got them in my hands, I was very taken aback by how, you know, I mean, Liberace wouldn't be caught dead in these things.

I think it's one of the jokes, though, too, anyway, though.

But

that's this clip.

Without further ado, I present to you the only Telm Steve Dave merch ad that has ever been pulled from an episode.

Well, four-color demon hockey jerseys back in stock, right?

That's true.

They are coming back into stock.

If they are not in stock right now, you can at least order it, and there's a date when they will be shipping out.

I don't know if they're doing the

name thing in the back anymore.

I don't know.

I've got some

not very clear, cohesive emails, but

I don't know.

Like all day long.

It's fucking mean.

I don't know.

But they look good, though.

Do you see them?

They look great.

They kind of remind me as if

fucking they had a whole bunch of baron von flanigan capes and there are like too many of them and they just turned them into fucking four color demon jerseys they're so satiny and uh and they have like a luster to them well they were supposed to bro they were supposed to be like the lightweight for summer not knowing that they were going to come out in september i mean if i had known that they were they're going to be that fucking glorious and fucking like liberace looking i would have fucking said like these are made from fucking each one is made from a fiber from baron von flanigan's cape i mean i would have fucking built that up as something special if I had known they were this fucking fabulous.

The finest silk from Oregon.

I mean, these jerseys look.

Boss, I got another one done.

I mean, it's as if fucking Liberace and fucking

and Rip Taylor and

they made their own hockey team.

Oh, man, you've got to make some hockey jerseys.

I don't understand.

We're now mocking at 14-year-old products.

Those are glorious.

Finery on ice.

Was I talking about the right guy, Rip Taylor?

Yeah, Rip Taylor.

Rip Taylor, who was he?

The confetti, the glitter, yeah.

And the guy from Match Game, who is that guy?

Nelson Riley?

Charles Nelson Riley.

Ooga.

Play some hockey.

Danelle, you boys bring your jerseys.

Yeah, go to because I'll go to tellhamstevedave.com if you want one of those jerseys.

Oh, in all seriousness, I placed a big order.

I'm only kidding.

These are fucking manly as hell.

Perfect for busting-type pussies.

Silky scooty.

Yeah, believe me, you'll be busting and

talking about busting nuts or puck nuts.

That's where you bust a nut in that jersey.

Yeah.

In a girl.

That's the only way we got.

After doing gay stereotypes for five minutes, it's like, there's no use for fucking busting nuts in girls, right?

Let's be clear on that.

You bust your nut wherever you want.

You buy a jersey.

You know, you're right.

Anywhere you want, anywhere you please.

Yeah.

You fucking bust your nut on the train tracks.

Tell him stevedave.com.

Order one now.

So I'm not going to, I don't think every single clip needs an intro,

but this one may, because this one is me telling you about a conversation I had with Frank about wanting to turn him into

a woman and having my baby.

And he was very upset by that.

Frank and Five?

Frank and Five.

Well, Frank Five, not Frank and Five, but the actor who plays Frank and Five.

I told him of my

one of the one of the funniest text exchanges I've ever had in my life.

I was crying.

I remember this.

Yeah, when I told him, like, hey, in episode two,

we're going to do this movie.

And I thought, again, I was going back to Coffin Joe.

Right.

There's a a movie that Coffin Joe did I thought it was dubbed but apparently I was wrong and I thought we were gonna get the dub version where he is looking to impregnate the the most beautiful woman oh yeah so he can have a son yes he's so he can have pass on to he wants to sire a son and I hope Brian doesn't know about this because I can't wait for you to find out I think he knows about it but so I said we're gonna get this movie it's awesome I said and I already got the wraparound footages the little setup the middle and the end sequences is where at the opening of the movie we're going to talk about Coffin Joe and how Coffin Joe is a friend of mine, the Baron.

And then we're going to have I was going to have Victor play Coffin Joe.

And Coffin Joe in the middle sequence was going to come in and knock and ring the doorbell of the castle.

And he was going to be like, you know,

I see you're still not married.

You still don't have a son like I do.

And he was going to put it in my face that I haven't sired a son.

The Baron doesn't have a spawn yet.

So I was like, I was going to so I proclaimed to Captain Death and frank and five i was like you know we're gonna we're gonna put out a call to all the most beautiful women in the in the world to the for the chance to become you know the the carrier of the barren seed sure and i was like get olvira on the phone get you know get all these names get angelie jolie and and then we're like we would cut to then we would cut to in the later segment that no one showed up yep and so i was like and i was real down about it and frank and five would be like baron master i have an idea and then we'd cut back to the movie and at the end of the sequence I told him

he would sit like we would cut to like where I'm like

Captain of Death Captain Oblivion Captain Oblivion comes into a nursery and

he stops because it's the Frank and Five is sitting in a rocking chair holding a baby nursing a baby doll

And I'm all over Frank and Five's shoulder as the Baron.

And I'm going, I'm cooing to this baby doll.

And you're like, what, happened?

And he goes, Oh, I go, Well, since nobody answered they wanted for, you know, to be the mother of my child, I just did a little quick, you know, quick operation on Frank and Five, and you know, just changed a little of the

plumbing downstairs and gave him some breasts.

And now

the Baron now has a son.

I'll change him back.

And, you know, as soon as soon as the baby's on solid food, you know,

I'll change him back to a male.

And he didn't go for it.

And he he was horrified.

Frank Five literally was like, I can't do that.

I work at a college.

And I was like, I thought he was fucking around.

And I was like, what are you talking about?

He goes, I can't do that.

He goes,

so the insinuation, the insinuation is that you fucked me and got me pregnant.

And now I'm your,

and now I carried your baby to term,

and I'm now a woman.

I can't do that.

He goes, I go, bro, it's a fucking, you're an actor.

It's like, yeah, it's not you.

You're in makeup shit.

I go, what are you talking about?

He goes, I'm sorry, I can't do that.

And I'm like, are you fucking kidding me?

Are you fucking fucking with me?

He goes, no.

He goes, that's, I got, I go, I don't have many lines.

He goes, but that's what I can't do.

He goes,

I was just dying.

And I eventually talked him into it.

He's like, come on.

He's like,

I go, all right, I'll trust you.

I go, I'm telling you, it'll be funny.

Then we never followed up with it, though.

We got to do it, though.

I broke him.

That's all that counts.

I think now, yeah, definitely.

We got to do it, right?

I mean,

in this world now, I mean, this is 20, what?

2023?

Yeah,

2019.

I mean, I think he'd be fucking elevated to the fucking dean of colleges if he fucking even thought of whip that he transitioned.

I mean,

parade for him.

I mean, you can't support the cause any more than that.

Yeah, but yeah, I just remember just that this.

I wish I still had the text.

I would give them to you.

We could put on screen.

And when I got a new phone, all those texts disappeared.

I was like, I don't get rid of any texts, but but those texts are gone, though.

Oh, that's so funny.

He was so weirded out.

I do remember him telling me this.

Yeah, I did that.

It was as if, like, I said, like, well, like, he really thought we were going to have to have sex to pull this off.

I was like, I thought I would get those, you know, those fake

boobs and everything.

And I said, we'll paint them green.

I said, it'll be, it'll be hysterical.

I have it.

It's going to be amazing.

Yeah.

He's like, I can't do it.

I can't believe we're going to release this clip to the general listener base.

This is not something they've heard before.

This is scandalous.

This was the reveal of my nickname from the Blue Juice Comics One True 3 Championship.

I remember it well.

Held in secrecy by all those who were in the room for years.

We finally revealed it for Moolah on Patreon.

During the Blue Juice Comics One True Three Invitational, I told a story from the 1977, 78 era about playing football with some older children, and they gave me a nickname while playing because I went out deep for a pass

and I caught it, like a deep pass.

And I caught the ball and they were impressed by that.

But it wasn't that catch.

You know, then they threw me another, like the guy was like, I remember the older kid, like, you know, when you huddle and you go, you go through the plays in the grass?

Yeah.

He said, okay, you, he didn't know my name.

He goes, you go out and you go out to the post, and I don't know what a post was, but just go out to the right and cut and I'll throw you the ball.

And he threw me the ball and I had to dive and catch it.

And I caught it.

And him and the older kids

go

said

because they were calling me this name and I didn't know what it was before that because I had the album and it begins with F and and rhymes with maggot

but I didn't know what that's what they were calling me and then they go that maggot has got it's got sticky fingers and the other kid goes yeah he's got maggot fingers and so then every time I went into a huddle the kid was like hey you maggot fingers you go this way and you know I didn't know I was like I'm maggot fingers for life bro I'm like I love it

I like I was gonna get that on my jersey yeah so I remember going home and telling my mom that I played with the older boys and I really impressed them and I told him the name my poor mom had to be like What, what did you do?

What were you doing with those fingers?

What did they make you do to earn the name maggot fingers?

Oh no,

isn't that a fucking weird world we live in where, like, every single person listening to this knows exactly what you're talking about, but don't say the word.

Yeah, I'm not saying it.

Yeah, you have them already.

Yeah, who was involved back then?

So, limbo was number one, that was Ming.

Lust was two, that was Gedam.

Gluttony, three,

also get him.

At this point, our universe hasn't grown enough that we have nine separate lords of hell.

Brian Q must play a Halloween-themed game of dyslexia and get every question correct.

And this is one of the ones where you guys came at each other like the most.

This first one, because you also use call a dyslexic as part of the cards that you bullet.

You're adding dyslexic guy.

Bruce did dyslexic?

No, it was a real guy.

His name was like a listener, yeah.

And he was getting them right, too, because it's so ridiculous that it would actually translate.

Yeah, bullet.

I told the guy the answers.

I was like, getting this.

I was like, to make it work, I said, I'm just going to reveal the answers to you beforehand so you get them.

So it really frustrates these guys.

Yes.

That's hilarious.

Because everyone was so shocked.

It's like, how is he actually getting these?

But when I thought it was Rob Bruce, it was because he was working on Comic Book Men.

And I remember him telling me he was dyslexic.

And I was like, shit, I wonder if I should use Rob Bruce.

And I remember, I was like, and then a listener emailed in and said he wasn't.

I was like, you know what?

Rob Bruce is harder to work with than a stranger.

He will fuck it up.

Yeah, that's ain't funny.

He will fuck it up, and

he'll screw it up and reveal that he knew the answers.

I trusted a stranger not to fuck that up more than Rob Bruce.

That's so funny.

Two things I ordered from Tom.

I don't want to.

Go ahead, reveal it.

One of them's going to be Lawson's Face.

Yes.

Lost and Space on VHS.

That turned out to be pricey, right?

First episode open.

Second episode open.

Third episode, seal.

Fourth episode, seal.

And it's like, this is awesome.

Terrible.

I saw that commercial on TV, and I had to convince my wife, I'm married at the time, to call the number.

And she's like, how much is it?

It's $30

a month.

Yeah, that's when VHS was expensive.

So she's like, we we can't afford $30 a month.

And we really,

you know, realistically, she was probably telling the truth.

I mean, I'm not making good money back then.

I'm not, you know, I'm working crazy little hours.

And so I convinced her, again,

tantrums, holding my breath, and then being like, look, you give me $5 a day for lunch, I said.

I'll starve to death.

I will cut down on my consumption of lunch over the course of the month, and I'll get it to at least 20 to 25.

So, all you got to give me is 10 or 5 more.

That's nothing.

I finally wore her down.

And she goes, You better watch them.

You better watch these.

And when they started piling up unwatched,

I was like, Just call and cancel it.

Just call and cancel it.

Oh, no, but I did.

Why don't you let me do this?

Stupid, stupid robot.

Oh, dear.

Jon Flanagan.

The other thing I bit the bullet on, and I regret it so badly.

Again, I had to ask my wife to do it, was

the $6 million man on DVD box set.

I have that too, though.

Do you remember that?

It will never be sold in stores.

Those

lie.

It was in stores in less than a a year.

For half the price I paid for it.

Not in that nice box, though.

The lit ticklier box, I didn't need it.

I rarely even open it.

When I open it now, the tin tunnel

doesn't work.

The sound chip broke or the batteries wore out.

You know how much you can get the $6 million man seasons now on DVD?

Cheap.

Yeah, like $5.

$5.

I paid upwards of $300 for that block.

God damn.

Is it on Blu-ray now, or is it on Blu-ray now or only on that?

Blu-ray is missing all the features, though, that that box set has.

Oh, really?

It's missing a lot of stuff.

I don't even know if they released it on Blu-ray.

Yeah, it is.

It is on Blu-ray.

I don't have a Blu-ray player.

I guess I do have a Blu-ray player, but I would not upgrade.

I haven't even watched the episode.

They're still sealed in plastic.

Jesus.

He's better off watching it through that Viewmaster.

So

Tales Mountain of the Fake Counter and Brian Nichelle.

Brian Nichelle was the director.

What's it called?

Showrunner?

Yeah, sure.

And how's that different from a director?

It's not, is it?

It doesn't seem like it is.

No, it seems like they're kind of one and the same.

And he was the showrunner on Comic Book Men for seven seasons.

And on the Patreon, we decided to

do a behind-the-scenes look at every single episode of Comic Book Men.

And we asked Brian Nischell to be the host because who better than him to give his point of view on how he saw things as opposed to our point of view, you know, from a different perspective where Nichelle could come from.

And initially, the Tales from Behind the Fake Counter starred all the comic book men and Brian Nichelle, but much like Chuck from Happy Days, Mike disappeared.

Never to be heard from again.

Never to be heard from again.

You don't know who Chuck from Happy Days was.

That means you're too young or you don't have Google.

Yeah, you're going senile and you lost your memory.

But what we're doing here, my friends, is we are going to peel back the layers of reality show funk and reveal all of the filthy, disgusting, and tawdry little secrets that went into making Comic Book Men the most successful late-night, basic cable television show that ever followed repeats of premiere episodes of The Walking Dead.

That is our mission and our stated goal, and we will do that for sure.

Up next is a clip from one of the standout series on Patreon, Tales from Behind the Fake Counter.

Sure.

Number one show.

It's either that or the All New Sunday Jeff show.

I don't know.

People do like All New Sunday Jeff show.

And they like, it's all about Frank, oddly enough, too.

But not because it's Frank, but because of the format.

The format's strange, yeah.

But

Brian Ischelle is

and has become a podcasting superstar.

And here's some clips from Tales from Behind the Fake Counter.

And again, Brian just like just delivers a great line where I say that, you know, you get this magic flute, and if you play the right tune, this magical dragon will come and protect you

from witchy food.

And Brian goes, It's kind of like prison.

If you play the right magic flute, you might get some protection.

Right.

Right, from witchy boo.

Yeah, if you know what he's

talking about.

Great line.

And people are going to be like, there's no way they didn't plan that.

There's no way that happened organically.

And we're here to tell you, it's all organic, man.

That's the genius.

Yeah.

Brian Johnson.

That is.

That is

everyone, though.

I mean, nobody was told what to say, really, except like, here's the situation that you got to do.

Yeah, but we need what they would refer to as the button.

And nobody could button it.

Nobody, none of the four of us can button it.

Only you can button it.

And, you know, that's why you were, no matter how many drugs you did.

Yeah.

You like, drag him in here when you don't button it.

And most of the time.

He's gay in prison.

Yeah.

All right, get him out of here.

All right, fine.

So please get a PA to go to Elizabeth and get this guy some more

button juice.

But I mean, in all seriousness, though, man, what a great way to end that little banter, though.

Perfect.

I mean, you couldn't, again, you couldn't script it.

Nope.

And it just comes from.

Well, you could, but it would not be as good as that, though.

It would take a while.

You'd need a writer's room with a bunch of people putting up note cards and site balls.

Yeah, a lot of high-power, high-paid writers about to come up with that.

Ivy League graduates.

AMC got it on the cheap.

Oh, they sure did, boy.

I went to Harvard for four years

to write prison rape jokes.

This is the right joke for the right situation, bro.

You know what I'm saying?

What this calls for here is a prison rape joke.

Watching those episodes, immediately I ran to get the razor and shave my sideburns off because I could not stand the way it looks.

So glad you didn't watch those episodes.

Oh my God.

I was just, I was like, I was just like traumatized.

I'm like, oh my God, my hair is a fucking mess because you were like, you can't get a haircut.

No matter what happens,

we started shooting, no haircuts from now until we wrap.

So I couldn't get a haircut.

And it is just a fucking horror show.

Dude, fuck your sideburns.

I have matronly bosoms.

I look so fucked up from my hair to my tits to my clothes.

I am so

like I'm falling apart and sad and just like pathetic.

And I just sit there and I'm like, everyone's fucking stupid except me.

Maybe that's why it works.

Your hair, you had this weird like King Tut thing going on.

Yeah, you had the mushroom going out.

It was like a mushroom.

Really weird.

Like what?

Boy King.

But in this first

episode, yeah.

Or maybe it's a second episode.

Yeah, I have a point later on about that hair.

Yeah, but my hair, like, I should have gotten a haircut.

I don't know why I didn't get a haircut before we started shooting, but boy, that was the biggest regret was watching

this season, season one, and being like, oh my God, why the fuck didn't I get a haircut?

So much so that when we got to that podcast set, Kim was looked at me and was like, you need to wear a hat.

And I was like, well, okay.

But I didn't, obviously he saw the sideburns and the fucking terrible hairdo I had.

And he put me in a mustard movies hoodie, which I would never have won.

That's not my color, man.

Mustard is not my color.

And I didn't have a hat.

So I was like, I I need a hat, man.

I need a hat.

And what happened?

I remember you came to my office and I had this pretty cool-looking devil

in my office that I got.

And I think we went to a game and I got at the devil store.

And I was like, this is a great hat.

But you came in and was like, hey, can I borrow that hat?

And I'm like, for the show, yeah, anything.

I wish I knew what had happened in that hat, man.

You know how much I could have fetched for that hat on eBay?

Fetch a lot.

You lost the hat?

Yeah, I lost the hat.

Never getting that hat back.

No.

That's all right.

That's all right.

Any

behind the scenes stories from the the

we cannot gloss over what may be the most devastating

fucking daisy cutter of a joke that is dropped in that closing segment when Mike goes to, he's like talking about, he's talking trash to us and he goes, you're in my playground now, bitches.

And Bry, and I know people watching will be like, there's no way he didn't know that that line was coming.

There's no way that he could be that quick and that fast

to bust out.

I didn't think Ming was allowed within a thousand feet of any playground.

Fucking sex offender joke.

Like Bruce Lee on his best day, as fast as his hands were, are not as fast as that man's wit to fucking bust that out.

And it is like...

It is the knockout blow of fucking of comebacks.

And the faces

that you cut to, it looks like they had lemons in their faces.

On that,

that

unbelievable.

Yeah.

Like,

there's no coming back from that.

There's no thing you can say back to, you're a sex offender, you're not allowed around children.

No.

I mean, this is a heavyweight champ.

Right.

I mean, put the belt on and just strut around because you won and you're the beat and end all and you're the all-time champ.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a baby, whatever the fuck it is.

Yeah, that's Tyson.

Michael Sphink

over in 16 seconds.

Eddie.

You're not coming back.

I know there's people who are like, there's no way on earth he thought of that that quick.

No, I was there.

Oh, no, he did.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

How does that get through?

Because 99 out of 100 times, they kill that joke, right?

Yeah.

This is just one of those times where somebody's asleep at AMC and is like, yeah, we'll let that go through, right?

It has to be.

I don't know if they're asleep.

I heard often, I heard back, well, you're on, you know, after 11 or whatever it was.

So, you know, we had different rules.

Those rules don't apply to fucking calling one of the cast members a sex offender.

Saying that the first time or the last.

It's also not just saying, like, hey, you're a sex offender.

It's like, you've been convicted of it.

That's why you're not allowed to do it.

I know you know this is a joke, but it's one of those jokes that I would say 99 out of 100 times are like, yeah, that's that's going too, that's too harsh.

Maybe now, but it was part of Ming's character.

You're a sex offender, man.

i mean to be called a pedophile you know what i mean a deviant sexual animal but not in no not in that way though like it was devastating though it was too

i i i just couldn't believe it i rewound it four times yeah no they were watching there's a whole department

dedicated to making sure we didn't cross some imaginary line And apparently that wasn't the line.

It was funny.

It was funny.

It was funny.

It was funny.

I'm just like, I don't believe, I don't believe even back then you could put that against the up against the people who are making the final decisions on the cut.

I think 99 of 100 times

it gets killed.

And one time out of 100, it gets true.

And that was the one time, man.

That is a fucked up joke to say.

Yeah.

He was the one who was doing the final cutting.

So I think.

I'm telling you right now.

He's the one.

He's one of those guys that said that.

Like later on, like during, like, a couple days later, we're like, dude, do me a favor.

Make sure that joke doesn't see the line of day.

I don't want that joke getting out there.

That's too fucked up.

No, but you know what?

I don't know if that's the case here.

We would have often put in several fucked up jokes, knowing that they would pull a couple out.

I'm shocked that you're not more like astonished that that joke got through.

It's fucked up, Joe.

No, I mean, but it's not the first time we were allowed to infer or flat out call Ming a pedophile.

You know, many times.

No, I don't remember this.

I don't remember that either.

I don't remember this.

You wrote in every writing history.

I would have done it a lot more.

We would make sure we would

say he was maybe a little bit.

But never.

You implied there was a hot salt in the basement with Mike.

Right, but he's an adult.

He's not a child.

It's consensual.

This is a fucked up child.

No, no, no.

There was another one.

Here's another one where

he went back

and he was masturbating on a park bench.

He went back

to the future, and he's masturbating on a park bench.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's precedent.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

But I just could not believe it.

You come up and you set up the scenario, like, we got this last frame, and we're going to make it for all the marbles.

And

you say to Mike, you know,

throw it.

And Mike is not happy.

No, he's not.

I remember that.

No, yeah.

There's another guy that I was shocked, I wasn't happy as well.

You actually, like, somehow you were in a, you came out of a haze.

And you're like, why does he, why do we have to lose?

I remember, and I remember, you were like, you know, whatever happens, should happen.

Why do we have to lose this one?

And I was just like, I remember going to Shelley.

I go, it doesn't matter.

I said, it doesn't matter.

I go, if he wins, I jump back over to there, and I'm even a bigger dickhead.

It works.

Yeah, it worked.

And it was up to the end.

Yeah, it was.

So it was real.

It was real.

If we knocked on those pins, we would have won.

And I would have came over to those, and you guys could have, like, shunned me, but I would have been like, yes, we did it.

I made this happen because I turned.

You guys became better bowlers.

I would have been like, it's because of me.

You guys won.

I motivated you.

You were prepared.

I had it all prepared to get it.

Either way.

But that was a real end.

We were like, dude, if you knock these, we win.

If you don't.

And he was mad.

As he would be throughout all seven seasons.

He would find some reason.

I don't know if you mad.

But he was mad at you coming over to him and be like, I want you to throw this match, throw a gutter ball or something.

And he was like, he was not having it.

He wanted to see if he could win it.

He didn't.

So I had to go with, like, you know, like, clerks, clerks, clerks, clerks.

I'll see you guys on Monday.

Oh, good.

It's great.

It's great.

Rubbing.

I mean, such a polarizing figure here.

I mean, rubbing your face is being the worst sport ever.

You were the worst sport.

Win, lose, or draw, you were the worst sport ever.

Yeah, absolutely.

Like, a high school gym teacher would hate you chastise you

yeah but i thought it was like i thought it was good quality tv it was man it was so much fun

yeah

i don't even think the clerks guys knew what knew what were going on they had no idea what was happening i don't even think they knew like the ramification of what was going on i remember one of them coming up to me at some point and going maybe it was Ernie going how are you gonna cut all this what are you gonna do with this because when you're shooting scenes like that we're not shooting an actual bowling game right it's like

down and we're collecting shots and kind of and then we could build the game after.

But I remember, I think it was Ernie's being like, What are you gonna do with all this?

It just seemed like disparate footage, like what

it was a chore, you know what I mean?

But it but it worked, and boy, to see you dancing out there.

See you guys on Monday.

That's why I said I didn't want it to end, I wanted to see more footage of them bitching and complaining,

man.

Plus, we got to get him from Collingwood.

That's right.

Get him's first appearance

in Comic Bookman is in episode one.

I did a double take.

I really did.

Because, again, I wasn't at the shoot, and I'm like, wait a minute.

I know that face.

Hey, wait a minute.

Where'd you get that hat?

That's the hat.

That's the hat.

Sit down until they get you on camera.

Where'd you get this hat?

Where'd you get the hat?

He gave it to me and said it was your hat you wore in season one and to keep it safe.

And you kept it safe.

Yep.

Oh my God,

that's why he's around.

That's the hat you were just talking about.

Wait, so he's been wearing it this whole time?

No, I've used it all this time.

I've had it hidden.

I'm not going to tell you where, because then he'd go, better find my other hidden stuff.

Wow, there it is.

A real artifact.

This could be on network TV.

This is like Rollerback, baby.

Wow.

This episode could be on, this could be a real episode.

There it is.

Look at it.

There it sits.

Holy cow.

Quick little spot here for one of our favorite sponsors.

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Miundi's comfort from the outside in.

So this next set of clips is dedicated to when TSD hits the road,

focusing on when

we have gotten outside of the confines of the studio.

And much like, I guess,

making hay, which people really dug when we got out of the studio, we don't get a chance to do it nearly enough with Q.

So we've tried to take advantage of going outside the studio with other members of Tesde Town, including Frank, on a show called Broside Attractions.

Haven't done a Broside in a while, but there is a very interesting one coming up, I hear.

Haircutting Place.

Haunted Tattoo Shop.

Oh, yes.

I thought it was a haunted haircutting place.

Yes.

Bro Side Attractions featuring Frank Five, where we hit the road and interview people at locations.

We did one at the Clinton diner where we had to eat the world's biggest hamburger.

Yeah, or at least attempt to.

Did you have confidence in our team, or were you a little like

in the war I saw?

Well, you know what?

I had confidence in our team until I saw what a 50-pound burger looked like.

Always.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Look at that monster.

And then I was like, I don't know how to fucking measure or weight anything.

Like, Jimmy the Hair guy

could sleep on that burger.

Yeah.

Like, sleep.

And sleep with the bun over him.

He looked like Stewart Little next to that fucking burger.

You can be Jimmy the pink guy.

It's about

you tapped out?

Oh my god, Bonnie!

All right, buddy.

Wow.

I oversold you.

The over-under was definitely on you tapping out first, so congratulations.

You beat a teenage girl

you don't have any more in you no no more wow

your first inclination as soon as the first person drops out is like

a try

well at least i wasn't all full of bluster like sage where she's like never give up i'll never give up

and then i was like oh thank god i'm out

you were next right after sage i went no frank went next.

Frank went next.

As soon as I saw Sage tap, I was like, I'm out.

I didn't want to tell you this.

I didn't want to say this to anybody else, but I got up and I walked out of that table because I teared up a little bit.

I went into the bathroom and I cried a little, honestly, because

I let this.

You cost us fucking $450.

She was crying on camera.

We paid for those tears.

It was my idea.

It was my doing.

I really thought we were going to win, and I let everybody down, I know.

Who told you to turn here, Brian?

Nobody.

I thought you did.

Somebody did.

I was like, why are you turning?

I thought you said somebody told me to turn.

Nobody told you to turn.

We went to the Renaissance Fair with Frank.

Hello, we're here with Schmendrick the magician

and Matt, the ventriloquist.

Yes, that's him.

Can Frank put his hand?

Can Frank put his hand in Smendra?

Oh.

You've got to be a little careful.

Is your hand cold?

Because it's wet.

What am I doing?

Right there?

Let's see your...

Point to the camera and do your best ventriloquist with your...

Don't move your lips.

Try.

Well, how do you get this mouth open?

The rod is over there for his mouth.

I'll hold his hand.

Frank, you act like we never held a puppet before.

I can't even find the rod.

That's a very sad one.

I should never find the rod.

Do that again.

Do that again.

Hello.

Why?

Say a sentence.

We're here at the Renaissance Festival.

And we're going to see the king.

And we're seeing the king in just a few moments.

I can't find the hydro rod.

You know how you do that?

Oh, wait, here it is.

I found him.

Yeah.

And they always go, oh, you look beautiful in that dress.

And then they walk away and go, oh my God, look how fat she is.

That's how you do it.

Smile.

I can't believe.

Wow.

I didn't see either of your lips moving.

No, no, no, no, no, that's true.

I kind of get the feel you're in Frank Five mode right now because you're talking and go get that Frank Five

drive.

In this clip, we went to Storybook Land, which is like a much, much

watered-down version of, I guess, I don't want to say Disney World.

I think that's not

a good idea.

But it's a 1950s,

what would you call it?

It's not

attractions with rides,

and it's all based on storybook characters.

And we went there, and this is one of my favorite ones.

You used to go here with your daughters, right?

Yes, I used to go here constantly.

I can't wait to go back with

Oliver.

Oh, the grandson, you're right.

Grandson soon.

You get to go and do everything over there.

To revisit it one last time.

Thanks.

Unless I get to make it to a great-grandfather.

It's not impossible.

I was talking to Q about that the other day.

I was like, what could Mary easily become a great-grandfather in our lifetime?

That would be insane.

This is Christmas magic right here.

All right, you know, it's July.

Right, that's why it's called magic.

Okay.

It's what, 80-something degrees, 90-something degrees today?

Frank, why such a denier?

I know.

You're a monster.

I'm sorry, I know.

You're a monster.

It's magic.

It's magic.

It's magic.

It's really magic.

Jessica, does anybody ever, on a Christmas story, put their tongue

out?

It does a little bit.

If one of us did that, would that gross you out right now?

Probably not, but I mean, like, I would never in a million years.

But go ahead, Frank.

Put your tongue on the pulse.

You guys could try it.

It depends on how essentially he does it.

There you go.

There you go.

There you go.

I think it stops.

Should be salty?

Like that?

Should be salty.

Awesome.

But Frank,

you went up there, man, and you were licking the North Pole like a champ.

Like it was ice cream.

Yeah.

Hey, if there's a pole

and Walt's like, hey, episode three, come on.

I'll lick the pole.

There's a pole and I've got a tongue.

Are you.

How are you knowing to do this?

It's not saying anything because I have the volume off.

Guess who's driving to the next one?

You can drive to the next one.

Just don't let the six cylinders get to your head.

This next clip is when Frank brought his DeLorean to a car show, a New Jersey car show.

I remember it well.

And he was not treated with any sort of hospitality by the New Jersey

contestants, who I think were none too happy to see this New Yorker roll in with his fancy schmancy DeLorean.

His movie car.

His movie car.

With his movie money.

They seemed very clicky to those people.

Yeah,

there wasn't much room for outsiders.

And then this clip also explains how things went even more south as Frank won the 50-50.

You gave some toys to some kids.

You donated to the autistic kids.

You gave some money.

And

that was cool, and that was really sincere.

And that would have set you up to come back again next week, and the week after that, and the week after that, and become a beloved member of that car community until you go and win.

We won the 50-50.

And I wasn't out there, but I hear that like when his number was called and he's like, hey, it's me, it was dead silence.

Nobody was happy.

Me, Alex, and my wife, my wife who came, and all our wives came for this event because they were so, I don't know why.

This is the first time they've ever done anything.

They're like, we want to see the DeLorean at a car show.

They're like, how boring is that?

Deb, you can go out to the garage and see the DeLorean.

But we all clapped, and it was like

the only people clapping

in a football field.

Right.

You literally heard crickets.

You could hear crickets.

And how much did you walk away with?

It was $135.

$130, I thought it was.

$130.

And I heard that it's commonplace for the winner to donate the money back to the Autistic Kids, or at least some of it.

So how much did you give back to the Autistic Kids?

I took all of it

because they were mean to me.

Not even a percentage.

You could have gave back a 50

and just looked like a fucking champ.

They call the 50-50 number, and then I'm coming up there, and people are starting to clap.

And then the guy in the microphone goes, Oh, Harry Carter comes the winner.

Oh, the guy with the DeLorean shirt.

And then all of a sudden, you're

and that was it.

And then just like, it was like, and the money was just on the table.

They were like, here you go.

It wasn't even like handed to me.

It was like there was uncomfortable.

We don't have it on camera because it got really dark and we put all the gear away.

And we never thought for there was a chance in hell that we would make it to the calling of the 50-50 and or that any of us would win it or that any of us would keep it.

Now, Bry Tries is

a show we do on Patreon where Brian tries new hobbies in a search for something that he finds fun to do.

Some sort of meaning.

Some sort of meaning or just some way to pass the time.

Right.

That isn't TV.

So here, I don't know.

I can't believe the curator has put on here Bry Try's theme song.

If it's gotten this bad that one of our best of clips is the theme song, it's not actually content, it's just a theme song.

I have to be honest, I don't think I've ever heard the theme song.

I didn't know I had a theme song.

I think the theme song was I Want to Try Everything by some sort of female singer.

Now, Bruh picked this because I he was he was hot and heavy.

He goes, I want to use this song.

I was like, I don't care.

Okay.

I don't even care what it is.

Yes, use it, whatever.

It's behind a paywall.

So I don't even know if we can play this clip.

We'll find out.

If there's a big old gap and there's just dead air,

that means that we had to remove this clip or Declan had to remove this clip.

And I don't know why the fuck the Bry Treis theme song would make the cut on a best of compilation.

Yeah, like if it were

like

the Sagi and Dada show, where it was specific to the show as opposed to like, you know, just somebody else doing a song.

Yeah, it's really weird.

Try every single.

Try every single.

Try every single.

Try everything.

We've gone metal detecting on Brian Tries.

Will I find something?

Will I find some buried doubloons?

It was Matt from what's your company, Matt?

Matt with Jersey Shore Ringfinder.

Looks like Walt's ready to scoop dog shit off the beach.

Is that what these things are for?

I'm ready to do that to help you find

the perfect house.

That's what it's for.

That's a friend.

That is a friend.

The weirdest thing you've ever found on the beach.

So the weirdest thing, and it was actually just laying on the beach, but I was out metal detecting with a friend, and we were walking along like the high tide line and uh there was uh probably about 15 feet behind us a mother and her young daughter walking behind us looking for shells so as i'm walking i actually came across a huge double-ended tilt

it has metal in it it didn't no i didn't find it with the machine it was just laying there he's just laying there

I actually have found a couple of small like pocket rockets though.

Wow, we never would have thought that would be on on the beach.

Where do you think that came from?

People out there having a good time, I guess, at night.

Really good time.

I don't know.

Did you observe the metal detector's law and pick it up and throw it away?

I did with the scoop.

I wasn't touching it with my hands.

Because, you know, I didn't want that mother to have to walk across that with her young daughter while they're looking for shells.

Right.

Especially.

Single-headed would have been fine.

Double-headed.

Yeah, that would have been fine.

Like, you could have been like, you know, that's just an Ed Heimerhead little baby shark.

Yeah,

yeah,

yeah.

A two-headed eel.

Yeah, that thing was.

I don't know, man.

I'm a little concerned about whoever was using that.

Yeah, on the beach, that's really weird.

Just in general, because that thing was a monster.

That's I always am like, who's

partaking in that activity on a beach when it gets all sand on it and everything?

Who the fuck is

doing double-donging on a beach beach on a sandy, nasty beach, though?

Like, I personally have not, nor do I know anyone who has ever double-donged it on a beach, not even close.

Yeah, you get those granules in there on it and everything, and especially if you look at it.

And I assume it's, it's,

I don't think it's two girls doing it down there.

I don't know why, but in my head, I just picture two

weirdos down there, and you know they've got to put some lube on it.

And once you put lube on it, sand is going to stick to it like a magnet.

And you're never going to get that sand off.

Dude, you're so right.

That's the leavings of two deviant guys.

You're right.

There aren't two women who are like, hey, you know what would be fun?

You know what we should do?

Tee hee?

Yeah.

These are two strangers who fucking met on the internet.

Yeah, they were on Grinder, and they're like, do you like dildos and sand?

Yes, I do.

As a matter of fact, that's something you should ask.

Think of the stories, though, for the podcast, though.

You find something as crazy as a double-donged dildo?

Oh, that would be great.

Or you could just start planting stuff on the beach, coming back, you know.

Like those gay guys were back.

I found another dildo.

That's all I ever found.

Yeah, you stop buying metal detectors and start buying silicone fucking detecting equipment.

You start putting them

over your fireplace, like a trophy head hunting.

Instead of an elephant head, it's like a double-donged black dildo found on the beach in 2025.

Then you have a white one next to it, and you got a green one.

That'd be pretty amazing.

You would be the goat of finding fucking discarded sexual toys on a beach.

Yeah, like when I'm on that metal detector like Reddit thread, people are like, he's either lying or he's crazy.

Or he's the fucking absolute best yeah he's at what he does yeah i lost a dildo i'm gonna have to

nj dildo finder

we've talked to the crochet lady now this is i'm just reading off curator's list i don't know if he means the yarn lady or the crochet crochet lady crochet lady and yarn lady i think were the same thing weren't they yeah they were yeah now for those who aren't on the patreon and have heard us talk about the yarn lady or our neighbor i'm not i don't know if i'm happy about this.

I'm giving up this for free.

This fucking rare audio with the Yarn Lady.

And it's rather recently, too, I'd say, compared to some of the other stuff.

But yeah, here you go, fight people.

You're going to get a chance to listen to the Yarn Lady, at least a clip, a snippet.

If you want to hear the whole thing, you're going to have to go sign up.

Yeah, listen very carefully.

You might be able to hear Scooter the guinea pig in the background.

Keep it warm.

Really excited to finally introduce to the listeners Flo, the yarn lady of Airport Plaza.

Much spoken about.

Is crocheting a hobby that you would say is on the

is it an expensive hobby to get into, or do you think it's more on the

it?

It's really inexpensive.

These hooks are available in most dollar stores and that kind of thing.

And then you can get as expensive as you want.

If you want fine yarns, cashmeres, and merino and that kind of stuff.

What is the finest of the yarns?

Cashmere is

about the highest that I would go.

What's a ball of cashmere go for?

Yeah, anywhere from $50 to

$75,

depending on what it is.

I mean, I'm ignorant on it.

What's cashmere made out of?

It's cashmere from a goat.

It's wool from a goat.

Is it a special kind of goat?

Yeah.

Must be wool for sure.

This yarn is that expensive.

Yeah,

there are goats that are bred for their fur.

Fuck.

I just, when I was getting in goat or I say something so stupid that, you know, she goes basically, it goes like,

she just basically was like, what an idiot.

She was like, a goat?

A special goat?

Dude, yeah,

I have cashmere sweaters.

I didn't know.

Am I crazy?

Or is that kind of like, yeah, you know.

It's a special kind of goat, but does the common man know that it's a special case?

I don't think so.

I mean, there were two common men right there that didn't know.

i mean if you could have told me it came from some sort of like a unicorn i'd be like oh really wow that's pretty cool for the really because you think if a goat in a junkyard you know they live in junkyards you can came 10 cans i really know about these goats not those goats definitely after the goats

um there's alpaca there's merino which is a sheep wool there are a lot of different kinds of sheep wool that you can get now dealing in yarn how much yarn you need have you ever thought of just getting your own goat and just just growing goats there's a a lot of work that goes into it.

From the goat onto

my hawk.

I just can't shut up.

I'm trying to recover so badly.

Now I'm saying something even more stupid.

Like, why don't you just go get your own goats?

Are you stupid?

Because I'm trying so hard to get back into

her races, trying to say something pithy, something that's going to impress her, and I just keep fucking it up big time.

You know, you have to clean it, you have to spin it, you have to

when the kids come in, they can pet the goat.

It's like more yarn.

yarns heading.

That's true, that's true.

I hadn't thought of that.

Yeah, yeah, we could try that for you.

How long, I mean, you, I know I've lived in the area for my whole life, I've driven past the plaza, I've seen your sign here for a long time.

How long have you been at the airport plaza?

Ten and a half years, ten and a half years, right?

That's great.

Just trying to impress her and say anything like you lavish her with praise.

You really are trying to get in her good graces.

Is this too much?

Is this too much?

If you can see my legs underneath the table, they're just going a million miles an hour like a duck.

Trying so hard to recover from the fucking, the faux pas of saying, like, is it a special kind of goat?

Right.

Like, where does cashmere come from?

It was just, oh.

Your answer was like, well, why don't you get your own special kind of goat then?

It's so fucking embarrassing.

Do the needle, what are they called?

The needle hooks, do they, like, you seem like you have like a very

one?

No, this is not high-end.

Do they come like is there more a better hook than other hooks?

There are some, but

everything

when you're talking about knitting or crochet is personal preference, what you like and what works for you.

I like this one because I like this.

That's his problem.

If he does anything, he immediately goes out and he has to have the best and the most expensive version of it.

He turns on his joy.

He's an asshole.

I'm cool.

That's exactly what I did.

I'm not proud of it, but I was like, fuck it, I'm going to try to fucking make you look bad and make me rise myself up.

Where's the bus?

Come on, Brian.

Right under it.

I'm not going to make a million dollars over it, but, you know,

there's a fair amount if you have a really good pattern in it.

Like if you get on Etsy and you can sell it, right?

Right.

That pattern actually is one I got from etsy so

and but and then someone will have to pay you for the pattern right it's not like like where the internet just steals it right because that's what they do to us

no one's stealing our content i'm just trying to make

important

to flow we're victims you understand

we don't want it to happen to you too

that's what people do to us i don't know why i said that i have no idea why i said that i just try to make it seem like we're big time.

I'm not sure it worked.

I apologize.

I don't know why I said that.

Start complaining to her.

What do you know about copyright laws, by the way?

Can you help us?

Now, this next clip, I can't believe it took us decades to finally get here.

But on this episode of Bry Tries, we have gone out to get him Steve Davis bottle dump.

And I'm ashamed that it escaped me that it took us like, why haven't we go sooner?

We were asking the same questions when we were there.

It's like, yeah, what took us so long?

A golden opportunity.

And for some reason, it took years to finally get us out there.

But I think

this has got to be the clip that's going to make people go, if you're not on the Patreon,

you're definitely signing up after this clip.

Yeah, so we traveled all the way out to Burlington and met James Tickle.

Yeah.

and today we're here with James who is a renowned bottle collector and we're talking about bottles.

Yes, sir.

Mm-hmm.

This is a hobby of yours.

Yes, yes.

I've been doing this for about eight years now.

Do you find that you like to do it solo or do you have a partner that you're going to do?

Oh, no, I always try to have a digging buddy.

Like I've seen my friend, I bought my friend here.

He's been with me countless times where he has

always got my back, you know.

Just for instance, I was down in a well and it caved in, so he pulled me out, actually.

Really?

And yeah, he ate it.

So I always have a digging buddy.

If you're in a dump, you know, a wall could collapse.

It's not shored up, right?

It could collapse.

This is a dangerous hobby.

It could be, technically, there is very safe ways you could do it.

You know, especially that's the way I went

looking for bottles in a well.

Could you imagine that?

Like, you need a buddy to go look for bottles?

Yeah, like, I feel like my bench is not that deep as far as digging buddies go.

You call up Q, you're like, you know, you want to go out and be my bet, my bottle buddy.

Yeah, I'm like, what are you doing today?

He's like, yeah, just sitting around being rich.

I'm like, hey, I got a better idea.

Let's go to some privy pits.

You're my bottle buddy.

In case a fucking wall caves in on me, I need you.

And he's like, he never goes out solo.

No.

Again, I think, yes, he doesn't go out solo, but I think he's digging in places where he could get arrested.

Living in in someone's garage.

By digging, I mean breaking and entering.

I usually have a buddy watch my back, and by my back, I mean the coast.

Make sure it's clear.

Poor James Tickle.

We're going to go somewhere that has been talked about for seemingly over a decade.

Right.

Get him Steve Dave's bottle dump.

It's almost as if

it's mystic.

You're not even sure if it really exists.

It's only been talked about by him, not seen by human eyes.

I tell you, I've built it up in my head.

It's like bottles

just sticking out of the ground

from the all across a field.

Like you can't see them for miles, just little bottles just like hanging out about like this.

It's like somebody planted seeds for you.

Yeah, you can just pluck them right out.

Carrots.

Does this give you like a standby-me vibe?

A little bit.

Yeah, right?

Yeah, a little bit.

Walking along the train tracks, hanging out.

I mean,

thank God it wasn't up high, like, you know, over like some water or something.

Oh, right, right.

Oh, so we had to like run when the train came.

Yeah.

Here we go.

I was going to say, I was expecting more of a...

Wait, this is it?

Yeah.

What?

So I'm going to start to dig randomly?

This is what we've been hurting.

Oh, wait a minute.

What's that?

Yeah, see?

That just popped up out of nowhere?

Yeah.

Get a shot of that.

Get a close-up of that.

Two seconds ago, you're shitting on it.

You're like, whoa, wait a second.

Did you plant that?

Did you come out here last night and put that out there?

No, you can see.

Holy shit.

Can I hold it?

Yeah.

So what do you think this is?

How old do you think this bottle is?

Here's another one.

This is an old

cola bottle.

Well, it's broken.

Yeah, well,

not everything is pristine out here.

Look, man, it's like...

How old do you place that at?

Hundreds of years?

Don't know.

I'm trying to, just trying to.

So we're standing at the bottle dump right now.

Yes, this is...

This is sacred ground in TSD town right here.

I mean, my heart is pounding.

I know you can't see it, but it's like like a jackhammer.

Mine wasn't until we arrived and then I was like wait this is it I expected to see like glint like sun glinting off the trees.

Bottles over all for miles around

you know it's it's covered by

like you know like James said you got to dig down to you know find the treasure.

All right so

we got to dig down let's start seeing some

what do we want us to do get him I'm just trying to right now I'm just trying to figure out Look at him.

He's like a shaman now.

Yeah.

He's like feeling the earth.

He's trying to feel for the glass the boy of the earth talks too i don't want to gloss over how much other shit was around here

because it's it's always like oh that's an old blah blah blah but it's like it was there were like stoves and car doors and stuff that you're like but this is not this is not an easily accessible area so you're like how did they get this shit here and why

yeah no we never got answers is yeah why is all this crap back here i think it was maybe because he said there was a train there's a train that go by and they would like dump off garbage and stuff.

But you, like, I would understand bottles and like stuff that they were using on the train, but they weren't using stoves and car doors and stuff like that.

Yeah, who's like, you know what?

We're going to take a train ride down the shore.

Let's bring that old stove that doesn't work anymore so we can get somewhere to dump it.

You look like Sophia Loren with those arm

clubs, those long arm clubs.

Man can get lonely out in the woods.

Just whistle.

You got a whistle, don't you?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, shit.

What is it?

Oh, a midget bottle.

Nice cap, too.

Look at this.

It's a real perfume bottle.

Can Bry have that?

Yeah.

All right.

Bring it home, clean it up.

Yep.

Give it to Mary Beth.

Bring it to the podcast table.

All right.

You know, they say birds will give other birds like a sharp, a shiny pebble to show their affection.

We're just picking them out of the ground like fucking daisies.

It's exciting, isn't it?

It's kind of, I mean, no.

Come on, look at that.

That's a real bottle.

This next segment is dedicated to in-studio production specials and games.

And up first is a one-off, a one-shot.

I'd hoped it would become a regular series.

The radio theater?

The Will Rogers Radio Theater.

But that meant that somebody was going to have to write a radio play.

And I remember giving the task to Jimmy.

I want you to write the next one.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, and I don't know if he ever did it.

Well, he hasn't mentioned it.

Yeah, he may have.

I don't want to throw him under the bus.

I don't want to check him under the bus completely.

I could

hear

in my memories of a textic change where he said he had given a story to Will Rogers.

Will Rogers probably threw it out.

Fuck this shit.

Yeah, but this particular radio theater episode is the only one in existence, and it took a story that I had written or a radio play that I had written with Sunday Jeff acting the role of a TV 70s detective.

And we assembled a table of actors and we decided we would try to bring it to life via audio only, this script.

This is the TESD Sunday Night Mystery.

He had nothing on my little brother Skip.

Dad and I found him on a hike in the woods and raised him like he was our own.

He may have been simple, but he looked up to me, and I took care of him as best as I could.

Found him in the woods.

Found him in the woods.

I guess we'll adopt him.

Sleeping on a bunch of bottles.

May as well keep work.

Some lady comes back to her campsigner's baby's missing.

I don't remember.

I forgot.

It's been so long since I read this that I forgot to do this.

I haven't remembered.

Did you do this, or it was this awesome?

I can't remember.

I was about to ask you, I don't remember anymore.

I have no idea.

They just found them.

I have to admit, I haven't looked at this since you and I agreed it's done.

I have no idea.

That was Den, and this is now.

And I crave drugs.

I can't tell you.

When I went to rehab, I can't tell you how many stories were exactly like this, where people are just yelling, I crave drugs at other people.

I crave drugs.

I crave drugs.

No, she said it all.

No one ever said that.

I crave drugs, too.

Me too.

I can't believe we all have this in common.

I know you do, Sonny.

But now it's my turn to take care of you.

I'm going to get you clean and ready.

Skip is going to get you clean and drag.

My God.

I don't think you can read that line

without it fading to black, and everybody's like, I know you're not.

I'm thinking the same thing to me.

I won't clean it as good as I did the Chiefs' Toilet Bowl.

It'll look like a gumdrop.

Fade up later.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh.

So

I was going to say that it was back in the art stairs.

It brought a tear to my eye that I was

really good.

Couldn't agree more.

Couldn't agree more.

Go ahead.

I know you do, Sonny.

But now it's my turn to take care of you.

I'm going to get you clean and ready.

Skip's going to get you clean and ready.

At least you got it.

We got the line.

Everything's weird about it.

Everything.

We're stepping into a different fucking reality.

Candyman, what?

I don't think we're worried about anything else.

It's a new villain.

Oh, shit.

Really good, can you do any good?

He just wants to hear it.

But say Walt this time.

No, don't say Walt about it.

I know you do, Sonny.

But now it's my turn to take care of you.

I'm going to get you clean and ready.

Skip, skip.

At least you had a clean one the first time.

I'm going to get you.

wheels.

We're in the bathroom now.

The working title of this piece is clean and ready for sure.

Sonny is in the bath while Skip gives him a scrub.

Under the balls.

Under the balls.

Is this the thing?

Remember, you're like, can we shoot in your bathroom?

There's something I want to shoot.

Oh, my God.

He's kind of shit.

See, it was Walt.

oh my good

i remember you asking me this like years ago yeah i thought they could wear their shorts

and we would shoot right from the outside

i mean i definitely have a big enough bathroom now for sure

let's do it all right these next set of clips from a show called t-e-s-d-nd

which i have to say it

didn't start off with its own show initially.

It was something we did on the all-new Sunday Jeff show where we had a TS D ⁇ D one-off with just a one-shot episode, and people adored it.

People demanded it.

I will sign up to higher tiers if you make this a regular show.

And so we did.

That's one of those ones, like, that mystifies me because it looks like as we're playing it, I'm like, this is so boring.

How do people play this game?

Yeah, you're right.

Do you mean our content, you mean, or the regular T and D ⁇ D content?

The regular game.

I don't think we're playing it properly, though.

You don't think so?

From all the the complaints that I read.

From real players?

Yeah, I think it's the fact that we're just not playing it properly.

But yeah, for whatever reason, people demanded TS DD, and we gave it to them.

And then once they got it, they were like, please end it.

But here are some of the best moments of TESD.

And I'm sure.

That weeping sound is Tom, our dungeon master, realizing that that show is probably not coming back.

You think?

I I can hear it a little bit.

Yeah, I hear weeping.

Wandering Baron, Yes.

I need you to come with me.

Your future is in danger.

Well, partner,

I'm going to need a little bit more information

if you want the wandering baron to accompany you.

I'll say, boy.

I appreciate you.

What do you want?

Herbs and spices.

It's a good recipe.

Stop making a lot of sense to me.

I'll say, I'll say it.

Where are we going?

I'll say, look.

Come on, Sally.

I don't have the time to explain.

Time is of the essence.

We have many stops we have to make.

I just need you to trust me.

My name is Sargent 1, and I come from the future.

That is all you needed to say, son.

I once knew a Sargelle called Sargelli.

No.

I didn't.

Why can't I do that?

Because that would be in the present.

You were from the 1800s.

Sargell 18 would be in the now time.

It doesn't exist yet.

Doesn't exist yet.

Yeah, it wouldn't exist yet.

You're in the wrong way.

All right.

All right, boy.

Give me one good reason why I should trust you.

All right, Barnett.

I'm going to give you one good reason why I should trust you.

There's injustice that needs to be justified.

All right, I'll come.

We see

Frank the Fool

tied

to a

sex swing on the door with a ball gag in his mouth.

I love this game.

My favorite game of all time.

Not St.

Christopher Cross, a sex swing.

Sex swing, yes.

Yeah, you know, like

his arms are tied like this.

His legs are spread apart.

I thought you got to St.

Christopher Cross.

Well, I'm not really sure.

I don't know that, but I know a sex swing, and Pride confirmed that's pretty much what it is.

Yep.

Arms are crossed, tied to a door, ball gag in his mouth.

I want to break that wishbone.

He doesn't like it.

I said, Oh!

No.

Read what you want to do.

The monster dick.

What is the monster deck?

I can summon a seven-foot-tall white gelatinous monster made out of the seed he has collected from his prior lovers.

Blow your D20.

On the camera, Mike.

When you question that, look, yeah, look at the cameras.

Or

roll your D20 for damage.

19.

All right.

Nice.

Wow.

How does the monster dick want to kill Ubaku?

Nothing on your paper.

You just described it.

Oh, shit, man.

I'll put that shit right in his mouth.

I'll boom.

Yeah.

Like right through the back of his head, right?

He is asleep.

It's going to look like a tsunami of come.

I checked for breath for like 15 minutes.

Oh, I don't know what I want to do.

I know what I got to do now.

Brian, open it up.

All right.

You're going to take both your hands, because it's a full, almost as large a man, and open it up.

And inside, filled to the brims with gold coins, overflowing.

You go to stick your hand in.

He just said he opened it.

He didn't want to put his hand in it.

Oh, no, that's he put his hand in.

But you're making him put his hand in.

Yeah, he just put it in.

You're forcing his hands in to open it.

Brian, I didn't tell him to put his hand in.

He didn't want to fucking open it.

You told him to open his hand.

his fucking fault.

Where did your accent go?

I mean, you fucked up, pal.

He just wants to agree, us to agree to everything that's going to make his dungeon mastering smoother for him.

Nope.

Yep.

Right.

He's right.

Everything in this.

All right, fuckers.

I just want to look at the treasure.

What?

What do you want to do?

It's just filled with gold coins.

His fucking hands in there now.

Let's go and do it.

Close it down and leave it.

Close it and leave it.

Fuck you.

I can't fucking

hold your fucking hand down.

Why isn't this story going anywhere?

You look around and it's not enough to do anything.

We twin away thumbs.

I don't know shit.

Terrified of what's beneath that gold.

You could have had a hand come and grab him.

Was it a setup, though?

Yes.

Don't know.

Don't know what you find out.

You know it is because you're outside your elbow.

You're trying to set me up.

What do you guys want to do?

What do you want to do, Brian?

It seems like I have to put my hand in.

No, no, no.

You guys are free.

This is your world.

I can animate a dead body.

I can make that goblin go put his hand in there.

Oh!

There you go.

Motherfucker, my god.

Suck it, dungeon master.

Suck it, DM.

You didn't expect that, did you?

What do I do now?

Let me take a five-minute break and do some rewrites.

Hold on, who's weird as well?

I'm so.

Woo!

I love you.

Bro,

you're D20.

Let's see if you animate him.

Can we just enlist him to become a permanent member of the party?

No, but what I've been telling you guys is thinking outside of the box.

He comes, he thinks outside of the box.

Instead of putting his hand in, he takes his goblin and does that.

That's exactly what I want you guys to do.

Oh, did you?

With the government,

we got to say public together.

I don't need to think about it.

You guys have to think about it.

That's the point.

I come up with hundreds of scenarios.

You guys.

How fucking full of himself he is.

Is he enjoying the sex swing?

What if he doesn't want to be rescued?

God, I wonder if he's enjoying it

based in his head.

You don't want to know with what.

Almost done.

How would you like to attack Crumpy?

He's little.

You have a pair of knives.

What do you want to do?

I would like to go for a

center mat.

Give him the Mexican bow tie.

Or the Columbia necktie.

Whichever comes easiest to you.

Dude, a rusty trombone to him instead.

All right,

Cleveland Steel.

You're going to try to make it like X-Men style across his chest.

The other cage?

You're obsessed with kids, bro.

There's a lot of little kid stuff going on.

And then they're in cages.

Baby.

And then they got no babies.

Because somebody has a strong moral compass and you assholes won't save anyone.

Otherwise, you'd be like, fuck it, let's kill them.

Let's fucking kill them.

I thought maybe if it's a kid, it has a chance of living.

And telling a story.

That's why we have kids.

If you promise not to kill everyone,

we don't want to be on dateline.

There is no dateline in this universe.

All right.

Hey, guys, thanks for saving me.

Nothing sexual happened to me.

Nothing wrong.

I swear.

We don't believe you.

You're so full of shit.

His head looks like a glaze.

Don't you know what you're saying?

You can see by the look in his eyes, something happened.

He thinks Krispy Kreme now.

Jesus.

Psychosexy had his way with him.

No, what happened to you?

Nothing sexual happened to me.

Nothing, not a thing.

And you know I.

Why is that important?

It's not.

Okay.

But you said it three times.

So Frank agrees to come back for me.

Then we didn't rape him, tie him to a ball gag, and just leave him on a sex swing.

All right, so let's, I guess, unchain him.

All right, who wants to attack?

Roll the cannonball.

37?

Tuck your piece between your legs.

Roll your D20 and we'll see what the object is.

20!

Cornaddy 20.

That's funny.

Those two tentacles are completely dead.

Destroyed, they're gone.

Wandering Baron

14.

What does your age say?

14.

Are you awake?

Oh, I was just thinking, like, this could be the last D and D.

This could be the last episode.

I just fear

the response.

I don't know.

You combined, like,

this heaven.

This was not paradoxical as it was, and you decided to go combine rock and roll all day podcast every day with D,

the two shows that are like the...

I thought...

You joined me in the licensed Tapod graveyard at TSD now.

Tapod graveyard.

I thought you were going to be so on the edge of your seat waiting for the next thing to go when you were like, Kiss, my favorite thing in the world?

All right, let's go.

I'm going to play this game to the mess.

Sorry, again, I was just thinking about what was going going to replace the show.

Go ahead, Joe.

Tell me.

Isn't it the paint watching pink drive podcast?

Isn't it Matt?

No, it's your top five light bulbs.

Well, it's Cabby now.

It sounds like you like better.

Outs are this.

I don't know how else I can engage you guys.

I literally have brought back your kiss.

All right.

Don't go unreaded after this episode.

Come back.

I promise that you'll all

it's not going to be good.

I was going to know how Will felt.

You were basking after De Will Roth.

You don't even have Overkill to fall back on.

And as you guys all circle around Crumpy to check,

Frank the Fool accidentally steps onto his puke pie,

hilariously rolls down a hill, and is lost into a ravine.

There really was sex down there.

They were my prisoners.

I made them fuck me.

What'd you have to kill them?

You guys lose.

They weren't stuck in here with me.

I was stuck in here with them.

So, Frank the Fool, as your parting words, as you're rolling down the hill, what would you like to say?

Those were pupils.

Sex was great.

It's all about friends.

It's about Patreon.

Wait, it's about the dust of the journey.

Always remember to rewind.

A super long repeat that's falling down into it.

It's comedian.

Yeah, roll the D20.

Let's see what you guys find.

18.

18.

18.

That's a problem.

Guys, please, I know earlier you did it too.

Please don't say what the dice says.

That is his job, and he winces every time I see it.

He gets so upset when people yell at what the dice is because that's his.

I don't know why.

It's not on camera, and Victor puts the role that's on camera, so that way he knows what the role is.

Yeah, but what's really he says it, you say it.

It's a more uniform voice, it's OCDQ in its highest form.

It's our narrator.

Okay.

I have so little in my life.

I understand.

I understand.

I understand.

I can't talk on TST, but this is where I can talk.

You're right.

You're right.

I understand.

Get him.

I'm sorry.

I can't see what the dice is.

18.

Thank you.

Nice.

That's right.

All right.

Good job.

Now, there was a show called Purveyors, Posers, and Playlists that came out of the Patreon.

And it was a show where Tim the record store clerk would judge our music tastes.

And it was one of the more fun shows to do.

And recently, someone asked me, would Purveyors, Posers, and Playlist continue on now, you know, with Tim's health issues?

Right.

And I said, I don't think it's possible.

And I would not want to, and I don't think, out of respect, I don't think that anybody should fill the role of the record store clerk.

I believe that show has to retire before it

you know to bring it back I think would be disrespectful at the time.

Not to mention we only know one record store clerk.

Yeah, that that also plays a factor.

We can get the OG jack.

We could yeah

can you imagine

but no I don't think it's proper.

I think that purveyors, posers and playlist

was Tim's show and

it will live on forever on the Patreon.

And so, if you're if that has piqued your interest and you want to subscribe just to hear the Purveyors, Posers, and Playlist library, that alone too is just worth the subscription.

Just that show alone is worth the price of admission.

I think, wasn't the last one like Father Lance battling Troy and hair metal?

Yeah, like that's fun.

Yeah, that's fun to listen to.

But this clip is when Giddam used his autism to try to

gain points or sympathy from Tim.

Right.

And that's why Tim was so beloved in the role of the record store clerk, is he was like, I don't give a fuck.

Your pics suck.

You lost.

Yeah, he was always very honest with stuff, like even if it was an unpopular opinion.

You know, the songs are stronger on Brian and Eric's side.

What about the argument?

The argument is stronger on Giddam and Walt's side, but for what?

It's just because If you're talking about pure arguments,

I am talking about the tenacity of the argument.

That doesn't mean it's stronger.

It means it's more intense.

It doesn't mean it's stronger.

Charting all over the place is

hot.

What do you mean, charting is insignificant?

It shows that it can be marketed.

That's all it shows.

And then when you play the autism card,

it's

if you give it to them for that,

I won't acknowledge it as a win.

If you're like, because they told me he's autistic, with no proof, just like the 22,000 productions, I'm going to let him win, Tim, you can't do it.

All your credibility will be shot at the bottom of the city.

It stands like it's on IMDB.

It stands up.

I know you're going to feel bad, but because you feel like, but we didn't really mean to play that card to make you feel bad.

Really, but you did play the card.

I know, but and your intent was to make me feel bad.

It was.

So

this was tough, but I think Brian wins.

Brian, Brian wasn't playing.

Brian and Eric won.

Yeah, I'll accept the win.

Thank you.

It feels like Brian won then.

It feels like Brian Spirit misspoken.

He really says everything.

Brian won.

Well, because I have Brian written first.

I have Brian and Eric and I have Walter.

The only reason he's taken this long to deliberate is because you told him he had autism.

Otherwise, he would have just like

he would have said.

And

I got a stop.

I can't believe it.

Can I tell you a little factoid?

I hope it doesn't embarrass Eric too much, but as long as we're talking about autism, when he was young, like first grade,

he was diagnosed with a learning disability because he was doing poorly in school.

Pam and Avery went up to the school, talked to the teacher, got him in a different program.

Look at him now.

So it's only because you were lazy and your parents didn't love you that

you're not a doctor.

That's why they gave me up.

I'm adopted, by the way.

Oh, really?

Yes, he is, too.

Shit, I never should have brought that up.

You can change it.

And his mom changes him.

His mom tried to smother him.

Yeah, but his adopted mom tried to smother me.

That doesn't mean his songs defy in the 90s, though.

And you know that.

But I'm a

little fucking monster if I don't change.

A little bit, Jimmy.

A little bit, Tim.

A little bit.

You might change it now.

No, you cannot.

He's just saying that

so he can win.

It would be unprecedented.

Yeah, but

it would go against the oath that I took as a judge.

I can't even imagine what Jack would think of

I'm surprised you said we only had one card and you played that you played it never said we only had one no you had it seems like you had a whole deck yeah

the most shitty

human being now I feel like a complete piece of shit now more than usual 148

I just

all right Eric you're moving on how do you feel I mean I feel pretty good I am

really feel good

good about doing what you did here tonight?

I've been an overweight autistic

almost murdered adopted person.

Yeah, his house just would have meant to him to run.

He just went up in flames.

Yeah.

His house just burned down.

Did I mention that to you?

I didn't mention that to you because I wanted you to come correct and shit, you know.

He has no possessions.

What he owns is right here on his body.

He could own this tonight.

No, he would have nowhere to put the trophy, so don't even worry about it.

I feel terrible.

Hey, you know what?

That's what comes along with being the judge, though.

You have to make the right case.

I did it on the facts.

You're like you said, you're like a judge.

Sometimes you feel bad for the people you convict, but you still got to convict them.

You got to be Simon Cowell up in this month.

He's the most hated man, right?

So are you after this?

Oh, yeah, I know, right?

I do not want to look at the comments after this one.

Who the fuck is

shit, Tim?

The other half of me, like I hate right said, Fred.

Now, I mentioned the all-new Sunday Jeff show

as being one of the two jewels in the TSD Patreon crown.

It's the longest-running Patreon show.

It started right out of the gate.

We did the all-new Sunday Jeff show.

It's got to be over.

I remember your pitch was, I want to give a talk show to a guy who least deserves a talk show.

I was like, that sounds pretty good.

He's kind of grown into the hosting role, though, I believe.

He's much more polished now.

He's much more natural.

But here are some all-new Sunday Jeff Show clips.

And if you're not on the Patreon, I do believe that the all-new Sunday Jeff Show is worth the $5 tier alone.

If you're just getting that, it would be worth your subscription.

Right.

You're getting so much more than that.

This, along with Behind the Fit Counter, are my two favorite shows that we do.

I really like the all-new Sunday Jeff Show.

It's always fun.

All right, Kenneth, we're going to let you lead off the 70s since this is your first decade that you're able to partake in.

70s, I'm going to say Star Wars.

Oh, Sunday's the piss.

Sunday's

on Sunday show.

You took Star Wars.

That's right.

You fucking piece of shit.

He's the star of the show.

I have water.

Then he should have gone first.

He's going to have to go Battle Star Galactica or Logan's Run.

We've gone two decades and he hasn't gone first, even though he's the star of the show.

There's other films.

There's other films.

Why can't we pick the same film?

I I could.

Because

it doesn't spark any conversation to keep saying the same fucking movie four times over.

But I love Star Wars.

We all say Star Wars.

Yeah, right, we all say Star Wars.

Star Wars is definitely the 70s of the

decade.

What's wrong with you, though?

You know, he's going to say Star Wars.

I'm going to say something different now.

You literally couldn't.

I'm going to throw it all off.

I didn't like Star Wars.

This whole time has been bullshit.

But you know, you're lying there.

All right, so I'll say maybe my second movie, the 70s?

No, what was it?

Nobody will hear this.

It would be Jaws.

Did I just say that?

You son of a bitch.

Oh, so now I said his.

Son of a bitch.

Yo, he is a star in the 70s.

Is that a starter movie?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for another visit from the Duke of Devilish Doings, the Baron of Black Arts, the Count of Conjurers, and the Marquis of Mumbo Jumbo, as well as Mike Zapsik's personal stylist, Sundak the flamboyant.

I don't know why that's funny, but it just is.

I was looking at her thinking the same thing, and then I was like, no, I like it.

I don't know why I like it.

Welcome, oh, marble mouth mage.

Thank you.

Thank you, Giddam.

May the old goat who made out with the regular goat after the Super Bowl be caught spraying his batch of craft miracle whip on the face of a human trafficking.

Oh, Sundack.

Timely Sundack.

You say what everyone is thinking.

I hold in my hand envelopes.

These envelopes have been stored undisturbed since 1994 in the Flanagan family spice rack.

Are you ready for the first envelope?

Yes.

I need absolute science.

I need absolute science.

I said science.

I mean silence.

How about both?

Silence, I said.

Yes, this is science and science.

Was that written?

Did you write that?

Silence?

A science instead of silence?

No, it's a silence.

No, no.

I need absolute silence was perverted into I need absolutely science.

I'm going to need science for this.

I need absolutely silence.

Sunday incomprehensible.

He's been blinded by science, so he needs silence.

It's very difficult to see with these gold beads in front of my face.

I need absolute silence.

So are you saying the balls are obstructing your vision?

Yes, they are obstructing my vision.

The balls are obstructing his vision.

The brass balls are obstructing my vision.

Sundak, the first envelope.

Thank you.

Is he strandlined?

Is he strandling?

Is he stradlin'?

Is he strandlined?

The question Debbie Chen already knows the answer to when Ming is hanging out with Mike.

Wow.

Mike and Ming are certainly taking on the Chin tonight, aren't they, Sundak?

I understand that Ming's cousin, Chin, took on Mike last night, and now Ming's jealous.

Wow.

Lemony Snicket himself couldn't conceive of a more unfortunate series of events.

Sundack, the second envelope I will hand to you with my hand.

Thank you.

Well, let me tell what it is first:

home address.

Home address.

Home address.

Where Ming hasn't been in the past month and what he wore for Mike on their anniversary.

Jeez.

Whoa.

Oh, yeah.

My God.

May an overly hydrated R.

Kelly happen upon your young daughter.

Oh!

Now that's timely.

And now it's with a very heavy heart that I must announce this final envelope you will be divining tonight or any other night.

Whoa, what?

This is the final Sunduck?

You're retiring, Sundack?

I guess so.

I mean,

I'm coming on the heels of the jokes.

I mean, you may have been forced into retirement, so maybe it's better to go in.

Well, the guttin's good.

Yeah, it's true.

After the curtain falls, one last time, I'm hanging up my turban.

Why?

Thank you for your service,

Sunduck.

I heard that you're you're retiring to pursue a life of sailing around the world, painting sunsets.

Sounds like a dream.

I have inoperable brain cancer and only three months to live at most.

Wow.

Hush, puppy.

Ooh.

Hush puppy.

Hush puppy.

Here, Jeff, let me hand you the envelope so that you can hold it to your head and divine the answer.

He's going out at the top of his game.

It's from across the room.

Hush, puppy.

Hush, puppy.

Hush puppy.

Hush puppy.

Poor Sundack's final envelope.

What a moment this is.

Let's treasure this.

This last

degree.

Luckily we have it on video.

Let's treasure your line as you're as you're

as you're supposed to be reading as you're opening that.

Forgot it.

All right.

Okay.

Hush puppy.

Hush puppy.

The command Ming gives his dog when sneaking Mike out of the house at 3 a.m.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sundack, the flamboyant.

Top 10 list.

Is it top 10 list?

It's a top 10 list, but it's the top 10 best

come-on lines that feature food.

Oh.

So picture Sunday Jeff in the club.

He's up in the club.

He sees a hottie.

Oh, and he makes it.

He dances up to her.

And these are the top 10 lines that include food in the line.

All right.

Okay, so go.

You ready?

Right?

All right.

The middle line.

Okay.

This is number 10.

Number 10.

Number 10.

Girl, you must say it can't even go.

Can't even do it.

One word.

One word.

This is why this isn't your wingman.

This is because the way you said it was perfect.

I didn't mean to laugh over that.

That's exactly what he wants you to say.

That's exactly.

That's why he's laughing.

If I said it any different, it would be in trouble.

He'd be like, what the hell's the matter with you?

No,

that was a confident delivery.

It's like, all right, number 10, girl, you must work at a subway because you're giving me a foot long.

Jeff, you will play the role of Sunday Jeffrey Dahmer.

You are playing, you are in a gay club because that's where Jeffrey Dahmer,

that's where he perused and got all his victims.

Your wingman is the notorious killer GTK.

And you are in a a competition to see which serial killer has the better luring technique.

So the setting is in the late 80s at a gay club, as I said before.

Both of you are trying best to lure a hot young dancer back to your place to murder them.

Oh, well, hello, boss.

Oh, shit, man.

Where were you in the 80s?

Well, hey, Salor, you know, that shirt looks a little tight, like a noose around your neck.

You should open it up a little, you know, display that meat.

You don't have a girlfriend, right?

You don't have a girlfriend?

I should walk out the door and

change my mind.

Maybe I shouldn't be a serial killer anymore.

I had to give him a one for death because it seems imminent.

Come on, we're gonna go.

Why don't you whip out some of that tit meat?

How are you digging this music?

I like this culture club.

Ooh, what a nice little hairy chest there.

You know, you should take a nice little razor to it, you know, smooth it up.

Do either of your hunks want to buy me a drink?

Sure.

Sex on the beach?

It's to die for.

Yeah,

nice one.

Hey,

me, I prefer a slow, comfortable screw.

You ever have one?

Let me get you a drink.

I'll be back.

Oh, my God.

Well done.

Oh, my God.

You have a roll, Sunday.

Don't stop now.

Wow, look at that.

I'll continue tonight at the the real bar.

Wow, you open up that shirt a little more.

You're really cut.

I mean, I can do some cocaine off those abs of yours.

Would any of your hunks like to buy Chad a drink?

Chad?

I'm a foreign exchange student, don't you know?

Oh, so nobody knows you're in America?

You gotta give him that one.

That was one that he may have used at one point.

Yeah.

Like, maybe even last night.

I didn't see him go home.

Um,

yeah,

I am a foreign exchange student.

I'm coming to America like Freddie Murphy.

Oh, here's your drink, sir.

Chad, how you doing?

Oh, hold on a second.

My favorite Prince song's on.

I would die for you.

Ooh, ooh.

Well done, Sunday.

Oh, please, I tumble for you.

That's not a

I'll die for you.

Let me just suck his neck.

What are you doing?

Which one are you?

You really belong in the club.

Yeah, that G doesn't stand forget him.

O la saul.

I feel like you're going to win.

Let's put some ambiance.

Maybe, you know, think about it.

Like, yeah,

there you go.

You got your saddle up,

do a honey on the mar, and you deliver line number nine.

He's just like dancing.

He's like,

baby, do you sell hot dogs?

Because you know how to make a weener stand.

I know I'm going to want to hear all 10 delivered in rapid fire to the same woman before she can get away.

All right, so we're going to first play a game called Heard Around the Yard.

Players are given a prison slang term.

If not guessed correctly, Walt will use it in a sentence.

There is a whole different world in prison.

Can you believe they gave my ass the big bitch just for killing that clerk?

Perfect.

Dante?

Nooch.

Oh, so.

I'm not supposed to be here today, motherfucker.

Yo, motherfucker, watch you walking.

You almost stepped in my Kung Fu Joe's, son.

Fucking kill you.

Fuck off, Dante.

Can you believe they're going to send my ass to the dingwing just because I'm seeing pink elephants and little gremlins?

Motherfucker?

Your guy is always on edge, isn't it?

Regardless of the situation.

Every time we play one of these games, motherfucker comes out every time.

He's a seat so rarely.

It's the same voice, though, every time.

No matter who it is.

It's the same fucking voice.

Every time.

It doesn't matter who he's playing as.

Tough guy's voice.

It's always the same type.

Same exact thing.

It's like one straight voice.

I'm not like you.

I don't have a million voices in the top.

Motherfucker.

Your motherfucker is like Ed Norton playing Swanny Rivers

before he plays every song.

Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.

Motherfucker!

It's how he gets in a character.

That's how he prepares himself every time.

This famous person said, motherfucker.

Hold on, hold on, on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on,

hey, sexy.

Look at the camera.

You're very aggressive.

He's like, hey, Sexy, do you like Pizza Hut?

Because I'd like to stuff your crust.

What is that going to mean?

Damn.

It doesn't have to mean anything.

Crust, the crust of the pizza.

You never heard of a Pizza Hut had that story?

I have heard of that, but what is the equivalent of a woman's crust?

They are getting lost in his bedroom on the floor.

The whole part of the Mahdi is the crust.

We might have to stop down here for a second.

I hunger for fear.

This planet will have to suffice for now.

Set course for the planet, morons.

Wait, is that planet comma morons?

Okay.

I hunger for fear.

This planet will have to suffice for now.

Set course for the planet, morons.

I'll be in my chambers.

Master sounded displeased with us.

Indeed, why don't you please the master while I set course for the planet and line the ship?

Fuck that.

I don't like how master looks at me and that laugh after he's done.

It is your turn after all.

I pleased master the last time.

Are you inferring that the master gets

by the alien straight-up side?

He's just saying

at first I thought it was like a funny like phrasing that he didn't intend, but then as it goes on to see how each of them are victimized Weinstein style, kind of Sunday.

Like, where's the potted plant?

Dude, what has happened to you?

Look at the camera.

Remember, number six.

It's hard to look at.

You're talking to all the 13 percenters out there.

You're trying to, you're trying to woo them.

I don't know if that's a legal fucking Dr.

Evil.

That's this.

It's a different finger.

One million dollars.

He's like, damn.

Did you sit in Sugar Girl?

Because you got a sweet ass.

Yes, master.

What are you looking at?

You want seconds?

No, Master.

Carry on, then, bitch.

I never would have dreamed.

Are you laughing?

Are you laughing?

You want to get raped together?

That's right.

You want to get really weird.

It would not occur to me to write something like that.

I mean, like, you want another black eye to do the dishes.

I got to throw in something in there.

Yeah,

why not a sexual assault?

It doesn't have to be multiple rapes.

Why not?

Domestic abuse.

You know, like I figured, like, in aliens in space, no one can hear you scream.

Well, you know, here, this, anything goes.

No one can hear you report a sexual assault to the police.

Well, the only one to report it to is the master, so

wow.

Yeah, I happen to be the police sergeant as well.

Do you like Wendy's?

Because I bet you're going to like Wendy's ball slap on your chin.

I would have said it differently.

Say Wendy's ball slap on your chin.

I'm sorry, in the history of that line.

That was the best look.

At that minimum, that line resulted in a file being like a report being filed.

All right, get him.

You got one minute.

So you're going to come up to us.

Hey, Shankin.

And

like you're walking up first day in the yard.

You want to join our gang.

All right, go.

Yo, guys, yo, yo, yo, step back, bitch.

Yo, sorry, no one got on your Kung Fu Joes.

Look at this duck dynasty motherfucker.

Yeah.

You little meth mouth.

What's up?

What the fuck is that?

That's going to be easy to get burned.

Yo, it's going to slide right in there.

It ain't.

Trust me, it ain't.

It's going to get snagged

on these snags.

What you want, Holmes?

I want to join up with you.

I'm in here for a day and a night.

He's profiting.

I'm in here for a day and a night, and I got my girls out there with the Jody,

and I need someone who can get you.

Do you want us to kill your Jody?

Look, if you can get him slopped outside, I'll just go out the wall,

I'd be down for it.

I'm a man who can do many things.

How can you pay us?

What could you do?

What could you supply us?

I pay you an intellect.

That's it?

Yeah, that's it.

All right, pay us your intellect.

I don't know how to do it.

I know how to pay stinger.

Last question.

What's your prison gag name?

What?

Yeah, what's your prison gag name?

Go to prison.

What's your nickname?

What's your nickname going to be?

148.

That's also my crime.

It's like murder, death kill.

All right, let's try number three.

Your legs are like peanut butter, girl.

girl.

Smooth, creamy, and easy to spread.

Well, thankfully, he didn't say chunky.

Yeah,

easy to spread.

But you're already, so your pickup line is: I know you're a whore,

and I'm going to liken you to peanut butter.

Did I say Jeff?

Oh, it's Jeff.

Sorry, Jeff.

Dude, that's your favorite.

Oh, dude, that's there.

That's my calling.

Here comes Jiff.

What'd you put peanut butter on your balls for your dog?

Just a peanut butter.

No, no, no, no.

Come in like just...

Because I turn hose.

Okay, now he obviously the other aliens coming in from pleasing the master.

He comes into scene wiping his mouth.

What the fuck?

Blowjobs.

I understand.

That's like a real dark, sinister scientist.

It's a dark, sinister person.

Who are the aliens?

Who did you think of?

Who were your main?

Well, again,

just say it.

You know who it is.

That's not true.

You know they're not.

Don't say Mike and Ming.

They picked on the voices.

I did not say Mike and Ming.

You did.

So wait, what kind of double are you talking about?

I hope Master is happy now.

You want it you came to me were like hey I want to do a Hanukkah special

You never you neglected to say they were like yeah and i got this real like great idea about like how we're gonna have a whole bunch of fucking sexual

i was inspired while watching death wish to write this hanukk

you know

i thought there was a lot of chances on the island abyss of a toy it's really good that you'll be making each other

that's what i wanted to do herbie never walked around with his mouth you know he's like i feel like there's a reason he took the bumble's teeth out, and I know what it is.

Plus, never got serviced by the elves.

Never know.

Ho, ho, ho.

He's like, imagine if You're Without a Santa Claus met.

Oh, I don't know.

50 Shades of Gray.

Irreversible, because I think they pussied out with only two rapes in that movie.

Or Requiem from a Dream.

Yeah.

Clockwork Orange.

Ass to Ass Master.

It appears that is the end of the clips.

The episode has come to an end.

That's it.

Hope you liked it.

And hope it drives you over to Patreon.

That's really what this whole episode was about, was trying to drive the numbers up.

If you're on the fence or you maybe you haven't been a member in a couple of years, I see when I look at some people, you know,

when I'm looking for contestants, that's another thing we do on the Patreon, is always looking for contestants to be represented in games

to win sweet prizes.

But I'll see a lot of of people who haven't been a member since 2023 or 2022.

So at one time, they thought it was good enough.

They thought it was worth it.

They thought it was worth it.

And I mean, it's a lot of material that comes out.

It basically

is, it's like Netflix now.

It's a Netflix library.

It's got, from 2018 to now,

there's at least 52 entries added every year, but there's more than 52 because there's some weeks where more than one show is added.

Safe to say there's over 300 shows in the library at this point.

And you can sample it all for five bucks a month.

Almost as cheap as a cup of coffee.

So where do you go for to sign up for that Patreon, Bri?

You can go to patreon.com slash telemsteve dave or patreon.com slash t-e-s-d.

I think we have that vanity URL.

And

sign up.

Like Walt said, it's $5.

You know, if it's for you, it's for you.

You give it a try.

If it's not for you, understandable.

But I don't think that's going to to happen.

Well, if you're listening to this, how is it not for you?

It has to be for you.

Yeah, if you're listening to this episode and you got to the end, because I'm sure some people are like, I already heard all these clips.

It was a skip episode.

But if you've made it to the end and you are not on a Patreon, I don't know if this may be it.

This is the last gasp.

This is the Hail Mary of Hail Marys.

If this episode hasn't convinced you, but then again, I don't know.

I'm a little suspect of Curator's clips.

I'll always blame him then.

If it doesn't move the needle, we don't get more subscribers.

I'm going to blame Curator.

That Brian Tries theme song, that could have been the lynchpin that fucked it all up.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Yo, J-Sodes got me a beat, son!

Hey there, ain't across every nation.

Get him C Dev here with some information.

Y'all know my IQ may be 148, but this tale even Reddit can't debate.

So listen good and listen well to the drunk story I'm about to tell.

One day at the stash, Sunday said, I feel so sexy like Rott Sam Fred.

Then he clapped his hands and slid his hips.

I never thought Jeff could move like this.

If Walk comes in, there might be trouble.

Nah, no way it's just a Sunday Jeff shuffle.

I said it's a Sunday Jeff Shuffle.

Dance through the wild dances ignite the town.

It even burned a mini guy close to the ground.

If this is bad, I wanna be wrong.

Make your feet flutter to the spunky song.

It's a group of dance that you're really big.

You won't have to be intimate with a thing.

Actually, this and actually that.

The Sunday Jeff Shuffle is very tough.

It's the Sunday Jeff Shuffle.

My name's Brian, I came to the stash to bust some balls and kick some ass.

I saw these fools starting to dance and sting.

I thought for sure it had to be Mike and me.

The way he was moving, I do declare.

He almost made my diggies tear.

With a slide to the left and a slide to the right, this Jewish white boy was out of sight.

I swallowed my pride and I joined my crew.

Started getting down with this groovy Hebrew.

I may have come here for a verbal tussle, but now I'm not card for the Sunday Jeff Shuffle.

Shuffle.

I said it's the Sunday Jeff Shuffle.

Rolled up to the station, heard a sound.

So Funky Groove was shaking the ground.

148 said, oh, hey, there's Walt.

Please don't fire me, it's not my fault.

Now I'm not trying to sound like a jerk, but why isn't anyone doing any work?

If you're gonna goof off, let's play a game.

One that will mystify every ant's brain.

What's on the menu?

One, two, three.

Then Southeff shuffled up to me.

My feathers weren't out of place or even ruffled.

We all clocked out for the Sunday Jeff shuffle.

It's the Sunday Jeff Shuffle.

Ants little wild ants are sit down in the town.

If you've been burning me, they got close to the ground.

I'm S-U-N-D-A-Y, J-E-F-F, I'll tell you no lie.

If I've got you feeling low, there's only one dance you'll need to know.

So clap your hands and flex a muscle.

Every hand, do the Sunday Jeff Shuffle.

It's Sunday Jeff Shuffle.

That was a train rock.

And the number one

best food related pickup line.

Of all time.

All time.

This is the one I'm making in the guys out there.

This is just not for the ladies.

They could use this, right?

Yeah, this one's a good one.

Girl, I'm going to make you a breakfast omelette, as in, I'm let you suck in this dick.

The number one one I messed up.

I wanted to get it so right, too.

All right, I tried it.

Didn't we all?

Girl, I'm gonna make you breakfast.

Oh my god.

I'll be right back.

You ever see the episode of Only Sunny when they're trying to hit on the girls?

Yeah, I'll be right back.

Blow the whistle like Frank blows the whistle.

I'm getting it.

Girl, I'm going to make you a breakfast omelette, as in, I'm letting you suck this dick.

I'm going to let you suck this dick.

There we go.

There you go.

Nice work.

All right.

That's a long top ten.

I remember what Letterman did it.

It took about as long.

At least he had some pencils to throw.