#599.9: Looking at Infinity

My mother gave it to me in her tit milk.

He's going.

What do you do, brown acid?

Come on, you wouldn't spread your legs for the guy who discovered electricity?

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tellum Steve Dave, episode 599.5 BQ.

Yes.

We're so close to 60.

Yeah, I appreciate you guys holding back a little bit for me.

Thank you for your patience for us.

It's gone three weeks.

Yes.

Now, if you

want to,

if you want to be a part of this whole number 600, I think we're going to do the audio like we normally do.

Yep.

And then Walt very generously is going to put it on the $5 Patreon level.

Yeah, if you want to watch the video,

it'll drop

simultaneously.

with the audio on Patreon, the video will.

And everybody on the $5 tier

or up is going going to be able to watch the video.

Three plus hours, people.

Could be the longest TSD in

history.

It's definitely up there.

It's up there with the Space Monkey Save Christmas for sure.

How long was that one?

I thought that was over four hours.

Okay, then it may be the second longest episode.

But it flew.

It doesn't feel like it at the end.

It does not feel like a three-plus-hour episode.

It's going to feel like one hour, and people are going to be begging for more, I think.

Yeah.

I hope so.

Because they're getting it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's nice to be back here.

I was going to say, you've been gone for some time now.

Yeah.

The fun gauntlet's over.

Where'd you go?

It was Los Angeles.

It was Vegas.

It was supposed to be Kansas City, but I got really sick

for about five days.

I was actually like bedridden.

Some dirty hippie at the sphere in Vegas gave me some virus that would not let go.

What you smoking pot and you're sharing doobies?

I mean, yeah, but no, no, that was.

You weren't sharing doobies?

It was more just like, I think that, no, it wasn't sharing doobies.

He's avoiding the sharing doobies question.

Yeah, no, I wasn't sharing.

I don't share Doobies.

Well, how does he get you sick then?

Because, like, you walk through this tunnel,

it's like a cattle call.

The sphere is amazing.

Do you know what that is?

I know what it is.

I've seen pictures of it.

It's fucking unbelievable.

It is like nothing anybody's ever seen before.

You must go to see it.

And who'd you see there?

Dead?

Grateful Dead, yeah.

Yeah, I heard it was.

I'm going, I got to go back.

It is, I'm telling you, what they pulled off with this sphere

is

you're looking at a modern wonder of the world.

Wow, it is every

aspect of it is fucking amazing.

It is the greatest music venue ever, ever made by far.

No, I'm told that if you're susceptible to motion sickness, this might not be the place for you.

Nope, absolutely not.

Every bit of it is engineered to the best possible version of it.

I'm telling you, it's flawless.

They nailed it.

I was in there looking around being like,

this is like, fucking, I'm proud to be a human that they pulled this off.

Yeah, you laugh, really.

You go.

When you go,

you've never seen anything like it.

Now, are there some natural wonders that now have to take a back seat to the sphere?

I don't want to hear about those fucking Egyptians ever again.

Like, you guys piled a bunch of rocks.

Congratulations.

Like, what is going on here?

They were playing.

I've I've never heard this before.

Because the woman was telling me, like, the woman who runs it, she was telling me that, like, when they built it, they said that there's never been, like, football has football stadiums, baseball is baseball stadiums, and music has always fit into these theaters and stadiums and arenas that weren't built for music.

She's like, this is the place where everything was built for music.

And I'm telling you, I've never heard this before.

When they were playing guitar, like,

the sound is unbelievable.

You can't even, like, you're looking at the stage.

John Mayer's playing over here, Bob Weir's over here.

You hear the music coming from where they're standing.

And if you want to tune your ear to hear each individual instrument, oh, you can.

And you hear John Mayer's fingers on the guitar strings.

Like, it's fucking, dude, it's crazy.

There's speakers.

Are you sure you just weren't really high?

Dude, I am too.

I can hear his fingers, man.

No fucking way.

Gliding up and down the stream.

I'm telling you.

It was like fucking, it was unbelievable.

And each seat has speakers in it, and it's not gimmicky.

It's not, it just supplements the sound from where it's coming from.

And there's the, when the guy's hitting the drum, it's connected right to your seat, so you feel it, but not in that way.

You know, you see like a 40x movie and you're like, this fucking sucks.

I'm like knocking around, the terminated fire.

It's everything's subtle and tuned to perfection.

And what they can do with the visuals,

I'll show you a video.

Like, you, it's a sphere, obviously, it's round, but at one point they start playing on the stage and it starts with the house that they own in San Francisco and it starts slowly pulling out and then it doesn't stop and then it's out of Earth's atmosphere.

Like you see, you know, California up through the atmosphere, out through space, and you're going be out and out.

And I'm telling you,

they've made the

scope of what you're seeing match your eyes.

Like, so if John Mayer's on that big screen in front of you and they make him 40 fucking feet high,

it's done in a way that he looks like a human standing in front of you.

Like the, I can't fucking think,

the scale of him is perfect.

And like, look at this, man.

Oh, wow.

They make squares.

They at one point do this thing where you're looking into infinity.

All right, anyway, so you pull out, you go out to the planet.

You pull out a little bit.

What do you do, brown acid?

No, I'm talking.

You pull out and like you're just staring at the earth hanging in space.

And you feel there's a trick to it if you're in the seats.

I don't know about the floor.

You feel like you're alone and you feel like you're in space and he starts playing like this song about being alone in the universe.

It is mind-blowing.

I have never seen anything like it.

You must go to the sphere.

Yeah.

Do not die without going to the sphere.

It's next level.

I don't even have the words for it.

You can't believe what they pulled off.

I heard it was expensive, like $3 billion or something.

It was like a crazy amount of money.

They're like, they're never going to make money.

And then the...

Who's never going to make money.

The people that own the sphere.

That's what they said.

I think they were joking, though.

But they said, all right, so acts really are having a hard time making money because to create the show for this is so expensive.

And now they said YouTube played it first and did visuals that were cool.

Then Fish played it second and did a step above that.

And the woman told me before I went in, she's like, This is where the training wheels come off and you're going to see things that you never saw before.

And man, was she right.

And she told me that now the Eagles are playing next.

And she's like, the big scramble now is they're hiring artists from all over the world everybody's got to top each other she goes you don't even know where this is going to go because what they could do with this technology they could put you anywhere anywhere and you could and you feel like you're there and it's nice to see the eagles there yeah yeah their music doesn't lend itself i don't think to like trippy i don't i don't think so either but i don't think anybody's gonna do this anymore unless they know that they can top person before And I honestly, I don't know how they're going to top Grateful Dead.

It was fucking crazy.

Like, you're in awe.

You're just in wonder.

And everybody is.

You know what I mean?

It's not like I'm standing like a slack-joyed Yokel staring up at the ceiling.

Like, everybody's like, can you fucking believe what we're looking at?

Yeah.

What was the Tekka price going for?

They're not.

How would he know?

No, no, no.

That's not true.

I bought my tickets.

I bought my tickets.

I paid a lot.

I paid like $500 for the seats because I wanted

good seats in this one section.

And then when I got there, they were like, just go off to the owner's suite.

And I was like, all right, that's even fucking better.

So,

that's face value?

No, I bought them because I could only go that one night and I wanted those seats.

What was face value?

Do you know on a $500 seat?

$200?

No, but I've been told that you can buy tickets day of

fairly reasonably.

Yeah, like it's not, they're not banging you over the head.

I just wanted these specific seats because I was told that, like, those are the seats.

And then I was shown the real seats.

And that was nuts.

That was crazy.

And you two opened it, right?

You two opened it.

And they didn't do anything on this level, though.

No, I think people thought you two did something amazing.

And now they're like, oh, this is what can be done with it.

Gotcha.

Yeah.

Got to go to the sphere.

I'm telling you, man.

Brian was at the fucking.

He could have went to the sphere.

He could have went to the sphere.

Yeah.

I'll go again.

Yeah.

Oh, heartbeat, dude.

Let's pick a day and go.

All right.

So that's a good act.

Yeah, you got to have a good act.

Yeah, because like Grateful Dead, I would sit there and be like, oh, this is all amazing, but like I wouldn't be able to get into the music, I don't think.

No, no, it is something else, man.

It just pulls you in.

Yeah.

Anyway, so that was Vegas.

Anyway, but like, you're also like on the way out, just think that you're going through like this narrow tunnel with like thousands of people, so it's a cattle call.

And now everyone's on mushrooms, and everybody's fucking high and tripping and like running up, putting their arm on me, and screaming in my face and shit like that.

And then two days later, I started getting like a cold.

So I was supposed to go to Kansas City for a charity thing and ended up getting so fucking sick I couldn't go.

I actually didn't know if I was going to be able to get to London.

I was so sick.

And I ended up kind of pulling it out at the end.

Went to London.

Fucking, you know, I love that town.

Yeah.

But it was.

Tore it up?

Yeah.

I saw some nice pictures of you from there.

Tore it up a little bit.

A lot of friends that I knew, that I know, obviously I know my friends, but a lot of people that I know were in London.

Like, just happened to be, because I posted a photo online, and they were like, I got three texts.

You're in London.

Christostephano, you're in London.

Gareth, the director director of The Raid, we hung out a couple of nights, went out drinking.

And you guys are not Oasis fans.

I know that, right?

What's your big hit?

A champagne walker?

Underwalls, champagne supernova.

Maybe you were making fun of me.

Yeah, because you had the disc in your car.

I had definitely, maybe they were stealing it from my car.

But I found out that night.

So I made friends with these gypsy travelers who were drinking in a pub.

I ended up hanging out with them for like six hours.

Dude, you would have loved it.

They were telling me all these fucking stories.

And they were going to see Liam Gallagher, who's the lead singer for Oasis, was playing the first Oasis album in its entirety at the O2 Arena that night.

And I was like, I'll go with you guys.

I fucking went.

Oh, you went with them?

Oh, dude, it was fucking cool, man.

Like, it was just such a great trip.

So the Mets played twice, went to see a play, had a lot of drinking.

But man, London, it's like, I just love it.

I got to move there, man.

I got to move there for like a summer.

Summering in London.

Yeah.

Listen to this guy.

One day.

Young BQ.

Summer abroad.

Yeah.

But it was a lot.

It was a lot.

It was a great trip.

But I did like the National Gallery.

I went to galleries and museums while I looked at paintings.

It was a very middle-aged trip.

It was a boozy middle-aged trip.

What did you call the people you were hanging out with?

Gypsies?

They're travelers or gypsies.

They call it themselves gypsies, which I thought I was like, I thought you're not allowed to say that anymore.

They were like, fuck that.

We're gypsies.

My mother gave it to me in her tit milk.

He's going, she fed me gypsy through her tit milk.

And I was like, oh, I was like, all right, cool.

yeah yeah cool yeah i was hooking up with strangers and like you know that doesn't sound like a middle-aged you know artsy fan that sounds like a young bq yeah out there tearing it up they were in their 20s too yeah they were in their 20s yeah it was great we fucking i became good good buddies with my boy harrison yeah you got numbers you text now yeah he i haven't heard from him i'm starting to get a little worried about it actually i was hoping uh hoping but uh yeah it was just a great i needed it yeah i needed some fun i probably would have had to pretend like if I were with you, I probably would have had to pretend I liked Oasis then because I don't think I'd want to tell a bunch of drunk gypsies like I don't like the band that you guys love.

No, and the pride, it's one of those bands that they have pride.

He's a local boy.

I even said to him one point that, like, because he's a, you know, he's one of us.

He made it.

And I was like, he's been famous way more than he wasn't.

I was like, and he's a famous worldwide musician, and he's a known dickhead.

I was like, so what are you guys so proud of?

And he's like, no, he's one of us.

Like, he just don't care.

They don't care.

But have you ever heard of a clothing line called Stone Island?

No.

No?

It's a brand that

the hooligans, the soccer hooligans wear out there.

Really?

And apparently it's been around since the 70s.

And they were all wearing Stone Island, my gypsy friends.

So I'm like, I looked it up online.

There's a Stone Island store in Manhattan.

Is there really?

Yeah, I think you get to see a lot of Stone Islands coming up.

Yeah, great trip.

But I missed you guys, and I missed the show.

I missed doing the show.

Oh, thank you.

Missed you, too.

So you could see yourself maybe joining the

becoming a gypsy.

I think you have to like.

No.

I think you have to have a duel.

It's definitely some weird shit like that.

You have to beat a gypsy or cut off an ear of a gypsy in a duel or something and then eat it.

At midnight.

But they were saying fascinating stuff.

They're like, they don't have birth certificates.

He's like, he works now for a municipal city, this kid Harrison, the waterworks.

And he was like,

we had to get a documentation, but he's like, Gypsies,

we don't tell the government when we have kids because we don't want them on the books.

And he's like, that's, we've always done that.

He goes, the one time we broke that was World War II.

You could tell I saw it.

He was getting like a little pride.

Like, I saw it building.

You know what I mean?

So, how do they have children then if they don't go to a hospital?

I don't fucking know.

But he said, but he said that when World War II started, they weren't pulled in because the government didn't have any record of them.

He goes, and my whole family went.

He goes, like, 20 guys went and registered and got their equivalent social security numbers to go fight in the war.

He's like, we're not letting our fellow Englishmen fight this battle without us.

And I was like, fuck, man.

I like that.

I like that.

I don't know that I would do it.

Yeah.

I'm like, wait a second.

Nobody knows I exist.

Let's keep it that way.

I liked him.

That has to be

a couple roadblocks have to be thrown up, you would think,

during your lifetime

if no one knows you exist, though.

They live in caravans.

Now, this is maybe, is this something that could only be done in Europe, or do you think it's possible in America you could pull that off, you know, have children without?

I think you pull it off.

I think once in a while you see these religious zealots that have a bunch of kids and they live on these compounds and you don't find out about the kids till later on when they do a raid.

Yeah.

But nice guys.

I do hope I hear from them.

And the Mets, do they play in a baseball stadium or do they play in the field?

They play the stadium they built for the Olympics there.

I think West Ham United play there now.

But they turn into a baseball field.

What was the crowd like?

Big, correct?

Turnout?

I don't know what it holds, but I would get them.

Could you look that up?

The London stadium, what it holds?

I would guess

50,000.

And all full to see an American baseball fans.

Who are they playing against?

The Phillies.

Phillies.

Way more Philly fans than New York fans.

Do you think they travel?

The Phillies, or do you think that they're homeless?

Oh, so many Americans, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it was mostly Americans.

London, you could tell.

There were a lot of people walking around with baseball shirts the time that I was there going around.

Because we were speculating when I heard that you were at a Mets game in England.

62,000.

I thought maybe there was some sort of exhibition tour going on that American baseball team was going to play a cricket team.

No.

That's what I thought.

That sounds fun though.

I'd like to see that.

That's what I was going to say.

I said that there's no way.

Is this behind that cricket text you said?

Because we said, yeah, we've mentioned that

we're going to play some cricket on the Patreon.

And I've got somebody contacted me from

he

originally is from Australia, and he knows how to play cricket, has all the gear, so he's going to come and he's going to be our instructor.

Oh, wow.

And we're going to have a cricket game.

Well, you know, I believe the first cricket team in the United States was based on Staten Island.

Really?

Yeah.

Do you think he just makes this shit up sometimes?

It's always like, here's something great from Staten Island.

All I'm trying to do is educate you guys on everything that Staten Island has given you.

So, how come cricket didn't catch fire in the States then?

I don't know.

I don't know enough about cricket.

I'm hoping we fix that with this new obsession.

Yeah, okay, yeah.

That was a fun text I got from you.

Do you want to play cricket?

Yeah, that was great.

Yeah, got to see, went to Highgate Cemetery, which has graves going back to the 1700s

and old gravestones, and they let it turn into a nature preserve, so they don't really upkeep it

like they do cemeteries here.

So I'd be walking through these graves, these old Victorians from 1700, people dying at like 14 years old and shit, and

foxes would just walk across the path and stuff.

It's like kind of cool.

And I was wandering through Highgate Cemetery and I saw this grave and it had all these pens stuck in the ground and had a towel

draped over it.

And I was like, what is that?

And it was Douglas Adams who wrote Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which is, you know,

those were the books that really made me love comedy.

Those made me fall in love with reading those books.

Wow.

And that was like an oddly emotional.

You didn't know.

You didn't just

had no idea it was there.

no clue it was there, and I was like, oh man, like, if I had known it was here, I would have came.

That's a common name, are you sure?

It was the it was definitely him.

It was the greatest guy,

the 42.

He's he's cremated, and his ashes are down there, it's not his body.

But I was like, wow, I was like, that was really like kind of like, you know, it wasn't like bawling, like, oh, my God,

but I was like, oh, wow, this guy meant so much to me, and his writing has affected my life so much.

And I, uh, it was nice, it was nice to like

stumble across it.

Say thank you.

I put a pen on the grave like everybody else did.

Oh, there he is.

You had a pen with you?

I had a pen with me.

Really?

You travel with pens?

Not every day, but yeah.

It pens on me.

The only person I know who travels with pens is Giddem.

Giddem, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm suspect of anybody who travels with a pen.

Well, that's right.

I can't typewriter around.

Yeah, so that was actually a very emotional highlight of the trip for me.

Like for me, yeah.

I was like, oh, wow.

That's fucking cool.

So anyway, I had a great time.

It's been a long time since I was there, and I fell back in love with London.

See you with Mr.

Mett.

Mr.

and Mrs.

Mett, yeah.

Oh, there's a Mrs.

Met now?

Well, there was back in the day, and they've recently brought her back.

You know.

Are they a couple?

I believe so.

Are they brother and sister?

I believe Mr.

and Mrs.

Met.

I was a little worried because I was like, they asked me to do it.

They were like, do you want to sing the take me out to the ball game?

And I was like, I go, look, I go, I've done this before.

I go, and sometimes the crowd, they either give a shit or I I don't give a shit.

I go, I go, it's going to be really hard if I get up there and you guys say the guy from Fractal Diogo said, nobody, like, everybody's like,

that's 60,000 people deciding that you don't matter at all.

So that was the only part I was a little nervous about, but

it got a really good reaction.

I was happy about that.

I didn't feel like a fucking loser.

That's good.

How long do you think Mr.

Mett took to get to third base with Mrs.

Mett?

40 years ago.

Is it his sister?

And where do they live?

No, you said they're a couple.

Oh, they're a couple?

How long are you?

Like first date?

It has to be, right?

He probably made a first-base joke that fucking got in.

Look at them.

Look at those guys.

Yeah.

It was nice.

It was really just a lovely trip.

Nice.

Yeah.

I'm going away next week.

Where are you going?

Minnesota.

What are you doing there?

I'm seeing a lot of statues, apparently.

I got the itinerary from Frank, and a lot of statues on the list.

He wants to see as many statues as he can.

Statues of what?

Pop culture celebrities, and a few we want to tear down, too.

Oh, really?

That's a Mary Tyler Moore statue.

You can in Minnesota.

I heard it.

Mary Tyler Moore statue we're going to see, and Fonzie.

Not Henry Winkler.

It's a Fonzie statue, which I really appreciate.

I've seen that in person.

You've seen that?

On tour, yeah.

We saw it somewhere.

Oh, there it is.

Yeah.

I think I have a picture of me with that one.

Yeah, so and in between those statues, hopefully there's enough other things that we could fill our time with because it's very statue heavy.

What's his deal, man?

I mean, he's

he loves pop culture.

Yeah.

Yeah, which I do too.

Sure.

But, you know, he, but he gets

fixated.

You know, and he gets on a subject and like, and then he, like, he, he needs to, like, really devour it.

Like, he's, he came down a couple of weeks ago, and like, all he did was spend it in between recording.

We had stuff recording for Patreon.

We were recording with Frank, and all he did was like stalk Bon Jovi, Bon Jovi, yeah, like going to Bon Jovi's house.

Oh, that was the last time he was here, yeah, because he's going to Bon Jovi's parents' house, and then going to Bon Jovi where Bon Jovi filmed the video in Seaside.

And I'm just like, dude, you're going to get arrested.

Don't mention you know me if you get arrested against Bon Jovi.

Does Deb and Mrs.

Five, do you think that they have a separate text chain?

Do they have phones?

They have each other's, they have each other's phones.

But do they, do you think, because I'd love to see what that text is, do you think they're talking about you guys and statues and fucking

we went

on a

it was Mrs.

Five's idea and we went on a pretzel crawl.

You didn't learn from the chocolate crawl.

Yeah, but we did learn, and we fought like bastards to fucking not do it.

And they were just like, you know,

we're going to fucking robot museums.

You can go do a pretzel crawl.

And they were texting back and forth about how fun it was going to be and how, you know, and don't let your significant other fill your head with the thoughts that it isn't going to be fun at all.

It's not going to be the best.

Your mind's not going to be blown.

Yeah.

I love that everything that those two poor women have tagged along these guys guys with.

And like, they just want to see some pretzels, and they're like, nah, we're going to go to some robots instead.

I totally get it, though.

We fell for the pretzel.

I mean, the chocolate crawl.

We knew it would be the same exact thing, just with even nastier shit.

How can you reinvent the pretzel?

There's only a few ways you can do it.

I guess.

And I'm not even into pretzels.

I haven't had a pretzel since I was a little bit more.

But you love robots.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But yeah, so they have

their own ideas on what's fun, and sometimes it doesn't align with ours.

We're trying to try to go to Wrigley, too.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, it's a game.

It's a pretty, very pretty stadium.

I've heard horror stories, though, about, you know, get out of Wrigley before dark, make sure it's a day game.

I mean, I've been to night games there.

Yeah, but you got security and shit.

No, I don't.

We've got bodyguards.

Well, last time when you were at the Detroit stadium, it seemed like something might happen.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So, yeah, you know what?

We fucking battled Detroit, man mean streets of detroit you could take on chicago

most murders out of any city i believe

yeah so yeah so uh that'll be

we'll be back uh rather quickly though okay yeah but looking forward to it though yeah fives are uh good people they sure are man yeah they're fun to hang out with amiable you know they they're pleasers people pleasers you know yeah yeah so that means you get to eat a denny's or a red robin all the time yeah there's yeah they definitely don't care about

my finicky

must-have dinners that I, you know,

although Frank wants to go to this McDonald's that serves every foreign McDonald's food.

And I was like, sure, I'll go.

Assuming, of course, that McPizza would definitely be on the menu.

Yeah, why wouldn't it?

Yeah, why wouldn't it?

It's not on the menu.

So that maybe I might have to fucking suck it up that day when we go to the international McDonald's.

I had McDonald's in London.

I was stumbling back from the pub.

I passed a Mickey D's, so the mud sausage

nuggets.

The fries were perfect.

Yeah.

Dead on.

The burgers

were, oddly, they're better than American ones.

They're like thicker beef, and you could taste that there's not like a lot of like, let's make it taste like McDonald's thing.

But I liked it less.

You liked it less?

Yeah, I wanted the American, like, smaller patty,

like, chemically given taste.

Do you think it's the water, maybe?

No, I think it's the food standards.

They're way different.

They're not allowed to, it's way healthier over there.

Like, you're not allowed to put as many additives in the food over there.

So things are a little bit better.

What else do you eat there while you're in England?

Do you just sample the

well, Ian K.

Morris, my buddy, gave me a list of restaurants to try, so I went and did that.

It's try and do the English, you know, I don't love English food, so it's a lot of vinegar, right?

It's weird, like quail egg shit.

I don't know.

So I ate like a lot of a lot of red meat, like steaks and things that's hard to

fuck up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you do the blood pudding or the

shit?

No.

No, I did a I did, what's that thing?

Wellington, where they make the bread around the meat.

Beef Wellington?

Yeah, it was pretty good.

Yeah, I had that at when we were leaving for the cruise, the

Hell's Kitchen guy, I can't remember his name, the dude who yells at everybody when we went to him.

Gordon Ramsay.

Gordon Ramsey.

Yeah, we went to his restaurant.

Troy got it.

Yeah, it was really good.

Yeah, it was fucking delightful.

Yeah, I was into it.

So, yeah, it was good food, you know.

Good museums, you know.

What kind of museums?

Is it like art museums?

Yeah, I went to the National Portrait Gallery, which is just portraits of royals.

And

just over the years, I mean, all these paintings are 200, 300 years old.

You know what I mean?

And the, yeah, so I just walked, I saw Rembrandts.

Wow, so you know, you've seen all the heavy hitters.

I saw a couple of Banksies.

Did you go to Buckingham Palace?

I did not.

No, no.

How come?

Just, I've seen it.

You know, but could you could probably at this point get one of those celebrity tours

for special celebs?

You know, find out what happened to Kate, what the deal is, what all this mystery surrounding her.

I don't know.

Figure out, you know, why she's been missing from the public eye for so long.

Well, she appeared yesterday.

Oh, did she?

Yeah.

She finally.

She was for the president's present, the king's birthday thing.

She showed up.

They had a party.

The reason I know is they had a satellite garden party, and somebody I met at the game was in charge of the New York one.

She's like, You want to get on the guest list?

And I was like, Yeah, she goes, We're going to have the Back to Future DeLorean there.

And I was like, Oh, I'll go to that.

Yeah, let's go.

And then I ended up not being able to go yesterday, but I looked it up, and oh, that picture came up, how she made an appearance.

She looks like Lois Lane, right there.

She looks like us.

Margo Kidder, but

yeah.

Did you see that new portrait of the king?

They're calling it satanic.

Oh, it's all red and stuff?

Yeah, I saw a picture of it while I was over there.

I don't know why they're calling it satanic.

It was.

Well, only because it does look satanic.

It's just red.

Who gives a shit?

No way.

This shit is weird, man.

Like, that is, like, again, pull up the...

That's not it.

Somebody vandalized it?

Oh, they just put stickers on it

Yeah, I saw it.

I don't know did it look satanic?

I mean I maybe I didn't look at it with like I just saw it.

You know what I mean?

Oh, you see you're saying the red looks like he's in hell.

Yeah, it's a very strange

yeah

But you know what like when you said the king I thought you meant Elvis I was like what are we looking at here?

No, no, I'm actually seeing King Charles

like I said I was just all right.

So the National Portrait Gallery is just room after room of 100 years photos like that.

And that one, what's a fucking butterfly?

I mean, it's, yeah, I see what you mean, but

there's so many portraits, man.

Can't they do something different?

Like, why not?

Yeah.

Or something that

just something off about it.

I guarantee if

you look at it and zoom into certain areas.

I guarantee you there's a couple sixes in there somewhere.

Oh, well, that makes it, but you don't like that?

That's like fucking metal.

You don't dig it?

Not when it not looks like the butterfly in his shoulder.

What the hell does that mean?

I don't know, but I do know that they, like, paintings from the 1700s, people would draw flies on the shoulder and stuff.

Like,

they put weird details in like that.

Looks like there's a UPC code in there.

I don't know.

Then who did this portrait?

An artist.

It was commissioned by

the Royals.

Oh, really?

There was, you know, the picture of

Ben Franklin's on the $100 bill?

Yeah.

The original painting of that is in the national, the one that they used for it is in the National Portrait Gallery over there.

They have a little section for Americans.

Like the signs kind of like off to the side, and I was standing there looking at it with pride.

I was like, yeah, we kicked your asses.

They've kind of, they're over it, though, by now, right?

No, because they're not.

I caught a few comments from my new gypsy friends.

And even when I said, like, yeah, but what about World War II?

I go, if it wasn't for us, you'd be fucking speaking speaking German.

And their response was, yeah, it took you three fucking years to get here.

Maybe you could have showed up a little earlier.

So, yeah, it seems like they still have issues about it.

Yeah, that's the one I saw.

It was cool to see it, you know?

He was a dog, I heard.

I hope so.

Ben Franklin?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah,

he was able to crush puss, Ben Franklin, looking like that, looking like an old grandma.

He was like the party guy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He didn't always look like that, Bri.

Yeah.

That's just at the end of life.

Yeah, it's after all the wine takes its toll.

That's what I'm left with.

I mean, come on, you wouldn't spread your legs for the guy who discovered electricity?

I mean,

you're able to fucking read at night and you don't have to worry about a candle blowing out or blowing over and catching your house on fire.

All he wants is a one-off?

Yeah.

He can hit it and quit it.

Every time a blue light hides the flaws on a stripper, you have that man to bank for you.

And you're not going to let him fucking tug one out on you?

Come on.

I'll do it.

Just like on my armor.

Yeah.

Let the man go.

What about you?

What were you up to?

I didn't really see.

I went to Vegas.

Yes.

Went to Vegas, went to

Heckamania, this podcast festival for a couple days.

Who was there?

My buddies who are these podcasts?

The Creep Off, Nobody Likes Onions.

Tukey.

No Sphere.

Didn't I go to the Sphere?

No, because it was a Grateful Dead, so I don't want to go.

Yeah.

Well, I think we're going back out come next fall.

Let me know, man, because I want to go see it again.

I have to figure something out.

Yeah, we went to see the Neon Sign Museum.

Oh, is that the one outdoors?

Yeah.

Yeah, it always looked cool.

I've seen pictures.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

It's small.

It's not as big as I thought it would be, but it was interesting.

Just like all the history of old Vegas and shit.

Hanging out with your in-laws.

Yeah, hanging out with the in-laws.

So funny to think of you hanging out with in-laws.

Well,

we were at dinner, and I was going to make a joke, and then I was like, I probably shouldn't make that joke.

Because so we get dinner, the four of us, her parents and Mary Beth.

And

when it comes time to wrap up, you know, Mary Beth hadn't eaten all her dinner.

And so the waitress comes over and she goes, like, any dessert?

And Mary Beth goes, no, I was a bad girl.

I didn't eat my vegetables.

And I was going to say,

Don't worry, daddy will give her a spanking when we get home.

But it's weird because her parents are sitting there and the waitress might not think it's funny.

She might not know what this relationship is.

So I'm like, I'll just shut up.

I love this Brian Johnson showing restraint.

That is very, very nice to hear.

Because

the joke would have been made for only one person.

It's not even worth it then.

It would have been, well, it would have been made for me.

So that's two people.

You're the one person.

Oh, I'm the one person.

Oh, okay.

I didn't know you were counting me, too.

But then we get outside, and I was like, I couldn't not.

So I told Mary Beth, I was like, you know what I was going to say.

And I told her, she was like, oh.

And Mary Beth's mom's like, what?

And I don't assume she's not going to tell her, but she just goes and tells her parents anyway.

They heard it anyway.

They heard it anyway.

Nice.

But not even delivered with the expertise and timing

that it deserves.

No, not at all.

Yeah.

Yeah, their skin didn't fucking, like

the shivers and made their skin crawl just didn't happen.

Yeah, but I'm like, you'll never guess what I do to your daughter.

Just try to guess.

Yeah, so we did that.

She wanted to go to Penn and Teller, but we didn't make it.

So we're going to try to get to Penn and Teller because I hear one of them tell her is looking pretty old.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's what I understand.

Looking like Ben Franklin.

Yeah, man, he's not getting any puss in the way.

Like one of the most famous musicians out there in Vegas.

But yeah, other than that, you know, we went out and, you know, what you do in Vegas, eat.

And she gambled a little bit.

Yeah.

Played a Frankenstein.

I've seen that.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

It fucking stole

25 bucks from me.

Did it?

Yeah, it stole about 40 or 50 from her.

I was like, this is a fucking scam.

It's so fast.

It's just like all of a sudden, all the money's gone.

You're like, what the fuck?

I just had $20.

They just fucking trick you into be like, oh, it's Frankenstein.

It's cool.

Yeah.

And you realize I'm more likely to win some hundred bucks.

Yeah.

I'll just watch somebody else play and I can still see all the fucking bells and whistles.

Still see the bells and whistles.

Yep.

And you don't have to lose all your fucking money.

I was going to play poker, but like, uh, it was just, it was a $200 buy-in, and I'm like, it's the World Series of poker.

So I'm like, the chances of me

doing well, the chances of me doing anything other than losing my 200 bucks are very slim.

So I was like, fuck it.

That's probably not even a fun crowd to play with because they're all taking it so seriously.

We're all taking it very seriously, yeah.

I tried to play in Atlantic City once.

It was like, it was supposedly it was like a low blind table.

And it's like, you know, you'd put in your three or five dollars or whatever.

And the next thing you know, know, somebody's banging it up to 80 bucks.

Yeah.

You know,

they haven't even dealt the cards yet.

Yeah.

Guys like that.

It's like, come on, man.

Yeah, it's a friendly game.

Family game, yes.

Come on now.

So, yeah, we did that.

That was about it.

I think that's all we did in Vegas.

I'm not a big gambler, so I didn't, you know,

I didn't really gamble much.

What do we got?

I went to Atlantic City for my anniversary.

Just took a drive down there.

How many years?

30.

Wow.

94.

This would be

30 years.

Oh, thank you.

And they were filming something in the casino.

I only go to one casino, Bally's, because it has this digital.

Blackjack's the only thing I'll play digitally, though.

I don't want to play Blackjack at a real table because I know I'll fuck everybody else.

They'll resent me.

So I like to play just by myself against the computer.

And they're filming a TV show or a movie.

And

right, and of course, they're set right in front of of the one machine I want to play.

Like this is the only machine in the whole casino that offers this.

So like thankfully though I could sit on the other side because it's like a 360 degree table that you could play at.

And one side was blocked off that no one could sit at.

I could sit off behind, but it's kind of curved so you could see a little bit of me.

And the security lady, she was, I don't know, I don't know why you would hire a 75 year old security lady.

I don't know how that works, but like she's not that you know, she's just going to annoy you to death rather than have any kind of real like authoritative maybe that's what she's going so she goes you could sit there but don't stare at the camera or don't stare because you know and I'm like I'm not I don't care I said I go I'm just complaining yeah don't worry about it but I was

but in the in between when you're playing in the hand it it's it takes 20 seconds for the countdown before the next before you place your bet and then it goes before they give people 20 seconds yeah to see who else is going to bet so in that moment sometimes I'll just get lost in thought, think about something else.

So, I was just sitting there like this, and I swear I wasn't even, I didn't realize, I was just lost in a daydream.

She goes, What can I tell you?

She's angry.

You're a fucking customer.

You're not giving them your money.

I go, what?

She goes, I told you not to stare at the camera.

You're staring right at it.

She goes, She goes, you can't sit there.

And I was just like, I go, I go, I didn't even realize I was staring at the camera.

I go, what is this for anyway?

What are they filming?

She goes, don't worry about it.

She goes, just get up.

I was like, move over there.

She goes.

And I was just like, that's not the machine I want to play at.

I go.

And she goes,

she goes, I don't care.

Holy shit.

And so they made me move over.

And then I had to wait for somebody else to get up so I can go back and sit over there.

Because what could I do, though?

I just was like, whatever.

I am shocked, man.

But she did tell me, though, and I did tell her I wouldn't stare at it.

And then lo and behold, two seconds later, I'm like,

ma'am, I've been on TV before.

I know what I'm doing.

I didn't want to say that, but I was so like, I told her, I assured her, I was like, I'm not even interested.

I said,

I won't even look up.

I said, and not more than two seconds later, I'm like looking at the camera like a fucking complete, like, I've never seen one before.

Is that the 10th time she told you?

It's the fucking first, like, the second time.

She could have been like, oh, I'm sorry.

Like, just so you know, you were looking at the camera.

I should have listened to her, though.

I fucking lost 50 bucks, and then I was fucking miserable.

I just, like, if she, if I wasn't allowed to play the game, I would have walked away 10 bucks ahead of the game.

But of course, you know, I went back and lost everything.

Yeah, so I should have just listened to her.

Unless if she had left you alone, you might have gone on a hot streak on that.

I can't say that.

It might have cost you 500 bucks.

Yeah, but

I'm convinced, though, that it's rigged.

The computer ones.

Yeah.

How can it not be, right?

I'm fucking convinced.

I'm like, how the fuck can I pull a 20?

Like, who am I

Who am I supposed to be trusting here?

Like, I know that, you know, Frank tells me it's not that there's strict rules and laws that it can't be rigged.

Sure.

But I'm telling you, the amount of times that I have a 20 and they get 21,

I'm looking around.

I'm like, fucking, Oz is going to come out from behind that curtain and tell me and laugh at me at this point because there's no fucking way it could pull 21 as often as it does.

I've often thought that while playing with cards, so maybe it is.

I'm tempted to be like, I'm I'm just going to only play with live people because then this way I can at least know that it's real.

They will help you too.

Like, maybe not necessarily the people you're sitting with, but the dealer will help.

Like, he'll let you know what you should hit on, what you should stay on.

What does the book say?

What's that?

That's what I always say.

What's the book say?

What does the book say you should do here?

Right.

The book says it's.

But they're gambling big bucks, though, at the table.

What's big bucks?

Like 20 bucks a hand.

Yeah, yeah.

So I'm doing dollar hands.

Right.

And

you know, sometimes just for shits and giggles, like I'll hit hit on 17

because I'm only going to lose a dollar.

Gives a shit, right?

Yeah.

And I always bust.

I'm not going to do that anymore.

It's not what the book says.

I got my own book.

It's a comic book.

Got nothing to do with gambling.

What should I not hit on?

Like, what should I always stay on?

16.

Stay on 17, right?

Well, 17, I get to stay on 17.

I think think the idea is if you have a 13, like let them bust.

It's based on their cards, right?

Yeah.

So

if you have 13 and they're showing a three, you're supposed to stay.

What if they're showing a 10?

Because they're always fucking in-depth, almost always have a 10 face card of the hand.

I think you're supposed to hit them, right?

Yeah, I think that you're supposed to hit.

I'm constantly pulling 13s.

I'm stuck in limbo.

I'm like, that was 15s, where I'm like, motherfucker.

And of course, you know,

even if I get a fucking five, like, I'll get a 20 with a couple fives, they'll get 21.

I think I beat the system.

I think I got it.

Fucking, I'm almost sitting back there with my hands behind my head going, oh, yeah, I'm about to take fucking

casino.

He thinks he busted us.

He thinks we built this whole fucking building.

And letting assholes like him come in and take our money.

That's pretty funny, man.

Oh, this old chart Gedim's got up.

And it's funny when I go with, when we, Frank's, well, only Frank likes to gamble.

It's weird because Mrs.

5 will just go sit down

at a table and order a coffee or something.

But he'll only do

the slots where you just press a button.

I can't do that.

I'm just like, it's just mindlessly pressing a button.

There's no thought to it.

That's notoriously an older person's game, like an elderly.

Is it?

Yeah.

Isn't that Frankenstein the same thing?

Frankenstein's the same thing, yeah.

Well, dude, my wife might be 30, but she's really 60.

Yeah, but I can't do that one.

And the only one I could do, because I don't know how to play poker.

I don't know all the rules of

the other games, like that with a ball.

Roulette.

Yeah.

I love roulette.

Or craps.

Craps always looks like something I want to get in on, but people will be like, you don't know what you're doing.

I'm like, you're right, you're right.

Gatto is crap.

I've seen Gatto play, yeah.

He'll play, like, I'll go to bed, I'll wake up the next day, and he's still playing.

It's happened many times.

He's like, He just loves,

but then he doesn't care.

Sometimes he's like, I'm like, How'd you do?

And he's like, Ah, they got my money, I got to get it back later.

And it's like, let's come down.

And he's like, No, I'm up 10 grand.

And you're like, What the fuck?

You're like, This is crazy.

But he loves, he just finds it's his happy place.

My wife has got incredibly good luck playing those same games that Frank likes.

Yeah, she's on a pretty good run.

She, for at least the last 10 times, has come away ahead.

I can't say that.

No,

you're a drain on her.

Oh, yeah.

She is told me.

Like, you know, if it wasn't for you,

this trip would have been paid for.

Yeah.

Where did you paint that picture?

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

All right, man.

Walt's wedding photo.

Oh, my goodness.

How young they look.

Two young go-getters, eager to take on the world.

I gotta say, your wife doesn't age that much.

She really does.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

You know what?

No drugs, no alcohol, no smoking.

I think it has to apply some factor, right?

Yeah, of course.

But I also think it's jeans, too, though.

Yeah, look at this crew.

Walt, I'm looking at how old are you there?

27.

Walt's wedding photo.

It's him in a tuxedo.

To his right is Kevin Smith in a tuxedo.

To the right of that is Brian Johnson in a tuxedo.

No beard.

And her brother.

And that's her brother's left.

Yeah, her older brother.

Wow, man, look at you guys.

Fucking snazzy, right?

Fuck yes.

It's like, we're going to roll into the fucking casino and fucking take every penny they got.

That's the kind of youthful exuberance and confidence we've got.

That's funny, man.

We're pointing us to the slots.

That version of Kevin is the version of Kevin that's in my, like, when I think of Kevin, because that's from that time, period.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's always that version of Kevin.

It's funny.

That picture, Brian knows what.

Only thing I see in that picture, Brian knows what it is.

Yeah, that would be my giant thumb

hanging out of my pants.

What's that thumb?

But you all have your thumbs out.

I know, but his thumb is fucking like

it's the freakish thumb I've ever seen.

It's like

it's like a roll, like with those line of hot dogs on a string.

Could you see?

Could zoom in?

It doesn't look that weird to me.

I remember the photographer being like, Can't you tuck it?

Look at Kevin's thumb compared to that thumb.

Yeah, but Kevin's kind of covered by his sleeve a little bit.

Remember the amazing Colossal Man?

You know, like he looked, Brian just looks like he drove through an irradiated field and he's starting to fucking turn into the amazing colossal man.

It looks like I'm wearing a wig.

Look at that.

I was about to say, look at that fucking wig.

Windswept hair and shit.

This is great podcasting talking about about a photo nobody can see.

Yeah, you're right.

You're right.

Of course.

That's funny, though.

Yeah, but 30 years.

30 years, man.

Definitely, though, it's one of those, like, those, that decision that's like,

glad I made it.

Yeah.

Who knows

where I would have been if I didn't make that really the right decision there?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's good.

That's

good.

Yeah.

You should be able to look back and be like,

that's wonderful.

Because there's lots of people.

If they make it to 30 years oh yeah if they're even still alive yeah still feel like oh god why did i do this yeah yeah so that you know you thank your maker and i don't i don't neglect to tell them that though no when i'm saying my uh hail marys that's very sweet

yeah it's true

so factor

right now

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Oh, did you go to the use the code?

I used the code.

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Actually, look at me.

I don't know if you can tell.

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Did you?

Nice.

Congrats.

Yeah, just because they're so good and they're portioned really nice.

And it's just enough to keep you full, but not enough to gorge.

I'm a big fan of Factor.

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Factor does not want to be associated with Swanson's.

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Uh-oh.

You didn't know I was coming.

you shouldn't have to announce it no but I didn't even tell him I was coming and I and um

I as soon as I walk into the building I'm what the is that smell

I can smell it like as soon as I walk in like downstairs yarn lady's like gang

and I finally got I know I know it's coming from here there's no doubt about it like I know it's not the yarn lady and this motherfucker is microwaving

what was it again some sort of meat sausage sausage in the microwave.

How gross is that?

You know he's an animal.

Sizzling and popping and shit.

Like almost expired sausage in the microwave.

Just like legally, legally you could sell it.

Morally, you should not be selling this.

Morally incorrect sausages.

It was so gross.

I had to run out.

I had to just give him, drop off, and I had to drop off and fucking run out holding my breath as if fucking tear gas was in the building.

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I got a couple.

We might as well just knock these out, okay?

Sure.

All right.

I don't know if I could back everything

so enthusiastically as Factor.

Oh, this next one you'll be able to.

Being paid to.

Yeah, we're talking about Raycon.

Fucking fuck up, boy.

Yeah, man, I'll pick it up.

I love it.

What do I love next?

What do I love now?

What is it?

Now you love Raycon.

Oh, absolutely.

That's an easy one.

I used mine in London.

Oh, did you?

Yeah, I did.

It's got a little clip.

You know, it's a little clip.

Oh, yeah.

Carabina clips.

I clipped it on my hand.

So how do you power your Raycons?

Because don't they have like special...

Don't they have like outlets that don't match our outlets?

Yeah, but I have this little adapter.

It's an adapter, but it looks like a multi-six strip, but it has the British plug, but it converts it.

the electricity to

normal American.

Why won't they just fucking give up the ghost and just go universal American charging.

I don't know, man.

Same reason they won't use the regular system instead of the metric system.

The same reason they want to use Euros instead of dollars.

They've got to be special.

Well, is it because they just don't get they don't have the same amount of juice that Americans are able to get at the beginning house?

They're like they're running on like it's like a constant brownout almost over there.

They have the same, you know, they couldn't handle American juice.

Yeah, probably not.

Fucking Ben Franklin, motherfucker.

That's where he's from.

Represent.

Oh, it's funny.

Let's see.

Raycon.

Yeah.

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And this is because we took a couple weeks off.

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All right.

Thank you.

Thank you, everybody.

Any ants out there, any of you guys are like cybersecurity experts?

Because I read a frightening thing the other day that was like, if you use Google, they have every keystroke you've ever done.

Like, even if you type something in and delete it to re-spell it correctly, they have every movement that you've ever done in a Google search bar, which is like, that's fucking crazy.

Yeah, I hear shit like that, and I'm just like, what are they going to do with it?

Like, I mistyped something or I typed in whatever.

I never know.

What are they going to do with that?

But

that's why I want the cybersecurity.

I wonder if there's a cyber ant out there.

Well, I think we have one under,

as an employee, I would consider him as good as any cyber.

I want you to giggle, but I'm serious.

This man he's prone to like conspiracy theories.

He's been right, though, more than he's been wrong, though, on his conspiracy theories, though.

We played a game with Sunday Jeff last week where Giddam had to guess percentages of certain things.

I was shocked at how often he came close to the mark.

Really?

Yeah, it's like, you know,

this percentage of people, what was an example, say?

Oh, like, how many people believe the NFL is rigged?

Right.

And then Giddam would give a percentage, and then me or Jeff would have to go higher or lower.

Okay.

And I got to say, I was really surprised at the number of times that Giddam was like, I mean, a couple of times he was way the fuck off.

But for the most part, he was right there, man.

So you think that translates into security?

No.

I think he is a secure mind.

So you're asking if any ants out there, what are you looking for an ant to do for you?

Well, just like, why do we need VPNs?

Why do we, like, how are they tracking us?

What, I'm just curious.

I mean, look, I use DuckDuckGo, and I'm always like, I've used it for years, and I'm always like, eh, that's good.

I mean, look, what the fuck?

I'm like you.

I'm like, what are they?

They're finding out on Amazon buying peanuts for squirrels.

Who gives a shit?

But there's something to it.

You know what I mean?

If I have the choice between people not knowing about the peanuts, I'd rather they didn't know.

Yeah, but they didn't know.

And so I use DuckDuckGo, but I'm like...

Fuck, am I falling for something?

Is DuckDuckDuckGo like, yeah,

we got all those keys here?

DuckDuckGo isn't like the dark web where you actually have to type in a website, you know, to get there.

Like, DuckDuckGo is just a...

Well, it's its own browser, but

they don't track you and they don't...

this is what they say.

But I don't know if I'm getting a large fish hook in my mouth yet.

Well, then maybe there's a cyber ant out there who could come in here and go toe-to-toe with Giddam.

And

we can test Giddam's knowledge if he's ever allowed to speak on Mike again.

I will put my money on Giddam's knowledge up against

any ant or non-ant at this point.

In regard to cybersecurity?

No, well, I'm talking about in general knowledge.

I believe that Giddam would mop the floor with

most ants and

I think he would dominate non-ants.

I think he would dominate non-ants.

It would be like

it'd be cruel.

It would be like

his way he'd fucking pwn non-ants who are mostly I don't want to say it, but most non-ants are dumb fucks.

Yeah.

Well, if there's an ant out there that wants to put his cyber knowledge up against Gidham, please make yourself known.

I've heard there's a couple ants who claim that they have,

if not 148 IQ, even more that I would love to see Giddam go up against and trance in a battle of IQs.

Maybe we can

set something up.

Do you want to?

Do you want to?

I'm telling you, man, this is.

I spend a lot of time with him.

Yes.

He.

It's like Stockholm Syndrome.

I am blown away about, like,

there is nothing I can't say when I say if I have some sort of problem that like he doesn't Google it.

He just knows it.

And people are like, oh, he just knows Google.

He just went and Googled something.

So

he just knows, he knows, he retains memory about he read something.

So it's not real knowledge.

I go, it's not true.

I'm telling you, he's a problem solver.

He's a problem, all right.

Woof.

All right, well, let's get him toe-to-toe with him.

You go, okay, I'll set it up for an episode.

I'm going to get.

Are you smarter than a Giddam?

I know that guy, Stu?

Stu, yeah, sure.

He's a professor, right?

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to bring in...

Maybe I'll bring in Frank and Stu,

two of the more cerebral.

No, you can't make Frank five the guy going against them.

Oh, that's right.

What?

Thank you, Giddam.

So on the last episode, you weren't here.

You would have been proud of me as a former fireman.

I'm proud of you, you, but yes.

I thwarted a shopping plaza

being destroyed by a raging fire.

Tell me, tell me about it.

So I was.

Tell me too, because I haven't heard this story either.

I told you the story.

A raging fire, yeah.

Well, I mean, it could have turned into a raging fire.

Sure,

no fire starts out, and there's a raging fire.

You are now telling stories like firemen tell stories.

I recognize your game, sir, and I respect it.

Raging bulch fire.

I'm there with you.

So I'm leaving the pizza parlour that I always...

I mean, I know listeners have heard this story already, but Q hasn't, so you're going to have to put up with it.

And I see this little puff of smoke billowing from this area where there's a lot of mulch in the plaza, a lot of bushes and trees.

How long ago?

While you were in England.

This has been pretty dry lately.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I am befuddled because I'm like, there's some sort of fire underneath the ground.

I've never seen such a thing.

I don't know what it is.

My brain is kind of like

frazzle.

Yeah, I don't.

So as I approach, I get out of the car and I approach it.

And as I approach it, I see orange flames,

like at least six inches high.

Yeah.

You start.

You're starting to get an erection right away, right?

I'm not a fire buck.

No, actually the opposite, because I don't like fire at all.

I'm terrified of fire.

So I am.

Fire bad.

Yeah.

Pull up Frankenstein's monster.

I just did a movie quote.

There you go.

And Walt didn't hate it.

It's just a matter of the right movie.

Yeah.

So

I, in my head, I'm like, is that a gas leak underground?

Is there like a pipe that is broken and now there's gas coming from you at the ground?

So I don't know whether I should stamp it out or kick mulch on it to put it out.

Good question.

Or the fact that you're even thinking like that is interesting.

And I don't want to burn,

I got new skips on, so I'm like, I don't want to milk my new sneakers.

I'm wearing my old sneakers.

I think that's fair.

So I'm like, all right, what do I do here?

As a fard leaps to an orphanage.

Sneakers still look good.

These are the fresh kicks.

These are the freshest kicks.

So I go into the pizza parlor and I say to the guys who they aren't the friendliest of guys, but that's okay.

They're there to make good pizza.

That's all I care about.

Is pizza good?

I'm with you.

Bang.

I don't need scintillating conversation.

And I say, Do you guys have a bucket of water?

Because I know you're not going to believe this, I said, but there's like a midget volcano out there.

And they're right.

And of course, they look at me as if, like,

well, I look at people when they came at the stage.

They're like, is Kevin Smith here?

And they're like, oh, God, shut up.

And they don't want to, but they don't, don't, they just look at me like an annoying pest.

And I go, I know it sounds crazy, I said, but it looks like there's an underground fire

under the ground.

And

if you can just give me a bucket of water or a pail of water,

I'll throw it on there, and I'm sure it'll go out.

I don't know what, I go, and I go, look, you can see a little bit of the smoke.

And they go, oh, all right, we'll take care of it.

And

I leave.

They don't trust you with the pail.

Well, no, and they came out with a bucket.

It actually needed two buckets.

And even two buckets.

Two bucket fire.

Two bucket fire.

Is that a big one?

It is now.

I would say it was a two-alarm fire.

So I get in my car after I think, I kind of scope it out.

I'm like, yeah, it looks like it's under control.

I've done my part.

I saved the plaza.

I'm sure I'm going to get a free lunch out of this tomorrow, but it didn't happen.

But I come back to the plaza to tell Giddam, and

within a millisecond he goes mulch fire and I go mulch fire he goes yeah they burned down mansions in New Jersey they they've they've had horrendous damage to fast food joints

they happen constantly and you don't even hear about them okay

and boom it was a mulch fire

yeah what started the mulch fire I guess he told me that

a mulch fire if it's too if you don't keep your mulch wet that mulch will if the pressure of the mulch on top of it especially if if it's super hot, will cause spontaneous combustion.

This is not happening.

That is true.

Get out of here.

No, it is true, right?

Get him?

The weight of mulch starts fired.

No, because the weight of the mulch on top, where it's all building up all this heat, especially if it hasn't gotten wet.

Where?

The heat from the sun hitting it all day long.

It's like because it's organic material.

You know what's in mulch, right?

It's all fucking, it comes out of your asshole.

Yeah, is that normally flound?

Do you have issues with that?

Yes, you don't know.

You never see someone put a lighter up to to their butt when they fart?

It's methane?

Yeah.

It's in your fucking intestines, bro.

Look,

what do I know?

I was only trained by the best of the best.

They never

discuss mulch fires, like pressure of mulch breaking out.

You're going to want to cut this.

You're going to want to cut this because you're going to look so bad.

If I'm wrong, no, no.

Hey, man, look, one of the things about being a fireman is being like, all right, I have something new to learn.

He showed me me countless videos of

fire department

or fire departments responding to mulch fires.

Yeah, okay.

I'm not doubting that mulch can catch fire.

All right, Q, I got an email from somebody who works for mulch being like, you know, kind of cop into like, yeah, most people don't know it, but yeah, mulch can spontaneously combust into a fire.

Like, we have to keep our mulch wet because we have so much of it on our property that we sell that it is, it is a hazard that we have to be aware of.

It makes sense because if it's dry and something besides the pressure of the light wood chips starts a fire, yeah, that I understand.

I'm not saying mulch isn't combustible, it certainly is.

I'm just saying, is he's telling you that it's the mulch is so heavy that it's starting fires?

No, it's just that when why did it start underneath ground and not on top of the mulch?

Because the weight and the heat all is in a pocket, yeah, but something had to start the fire,

yeah.

Spontaneously started by the heat.

I don't believe that that happens, it happens, I don't believe that happens a lot.

It does.

He's been out looking for fires ever since.

Do you know that they won't sell mulch past a certain spot in America because it just is too dry and hot?

Nobody's saying that mulch can't catch fire.

I understand.

Because it's so prone to catch on fire.

It's wood.

And feces.

Sure.

Where do you get the feces from?

Oh, it's definitely full of feces, right?

Well, it's got fertilizer in it.

Yeah.

it's like a natural thing.

You didn't know that either?

No.

Too fucking like the potting wit.

Too fucking.

Look, my

just stepped off the banana bowl?

What the fuck?

My fucking microphone.

My mulch knowledge until last week was

bottom of the barrel.

I brought it up to Mary Beth, though.

I was like, did you know mulch can catch fire?

She's like, yeah.

Like, I was an idiot.

Yeah, there's no doubt.

The argument's not can mulch.

Spontaneously.

So, how does it catch on fire?

Yeah, that's fine.

It can just a cigarette or something, but somebody threw something in that.

No, it did not.

It doesn't happen like that.

It just can start.

I'm assure you it happens.

Well, the next Google ad is the myth of spontaneous combustion.

It's just not possible for mulch to just spontaneously combust.

So you think a cigarette had to been thrown from a car?

That's 90% of the...

Yeah, I would say that was probably what it was.

All right.

Well, I do.

Look, maybe next episode we can get a mulch guy on who emailed me.

I'm down.

Look, if I'm wrong, I'll stand up.

That's what what I like about you.

It's a very admirable.

Yeah, I'm happy to be wrong.

If I'm wrong, I'm going to blame Genem.

That's fine.

So I'm good with that too.

You definitely want me.

The weight of mulch does not cause enough pressure to start fire.

Oh, I don't think it's the weight.

It's not the best.

That's why we started all this.

But it's because it gets caught in a pocket.

Of what?

The pocket of gas that just builds up.

No.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

I will.

And that's why you have to wet your mulch.

Well, look, here's good news.

My senior guy who retired a few years ago is in New York.

He lives in Nashville.

And I'm supposed to be seeing him this weekend.

So this is a guy with 35 years' experience in the FDNY.

He was a 9-11.

He worked at firehouses up in the Bronx, all around Brooklyn, like during the war years.

I'm going to ask him his opinion.

And if I'm wrong, I'll come back and tell you.

Okay, but

it's combustible and it can burn.

I'm not saying that.

I want to know what his mulch knowledge is, though, too, though, because I think that he has.

He isn't as great as Giddem.

He side jumped for while it was landscaping, so I think.

Oh, okay.

He's a guy.

Okay, that would be a guy.

I mean,

well, anyway.

Right there, right away.

It's right here on the wooden giddem pulled up.

That means it could be easily ignited by improperly discarding smoking materials.

Yes, and that's not the only way.

Or by spontaneous combustion.

Boom.

Boom?

What is this?

Boom.

Get him go, boom.

Hugo down.

Get him made a boom, boom.

You know what?

Obviously, I'm wrong.

No, I mean,

I'm just telling you that, like,

okay.

Yeah.

Here's the email I got from about mulch from somebody who owns a landscaping business and worked in the industry, the mulch industry for 20 years.

This is an email you got.

the second you started explaining about your midget volcano i knew it was going to be a mulch fire the way you described it it is a strange phenomenon and it happens from the inside out and smoke billows out in a kind of eerie way i think uh this guy also is a one i'm wanna be writer he's militant

uh he said the second okay um

As far as mulch fire goes, at our shop, we had a massive pile of mulch probably two to three stories high.

And in the summers, on particularly dry days, I would see smoke coming from inside the pile.

And a few times, we had to put a fire out.

We installed mulch on thousands of properties over the years, have and have never had a fire on these properties.

While it does happen, it is rare.

And they weren't throwing cigarettes out.

They would know better on their own in their own company.

A two to three-story high pile of shit.

You don't fucking smoke around.

The thing is that there's a science to how fires start.

And

one of them is heat.

Science is always evolving.

Yeah, but like there's

like

there's the fire triangle.

That's what they teach you.

Oh, you know about the fire triangle, too?

Yeah, I thought Giddam made that up.

No, no.

You fucking claimed that fire triangle shit was captivating.

And I thought you made that up.

You just let it ride and bit it up.

So you need...

So right away, it's just like, how are you getting enough heat to start a fire off of wood mulches?

I think it's built up from how hot it is all summer long.

No.

No.

The heat does not get earth, like the sun that we're hanging out in the summer by the pool is not getting hot enough to light things on fire.

But isn't it caused by the gas?

Dry out the mulch and make it more likely to combust, but it still needs something to set off the combustion.

Well, how do you explain spontaneous combustion?

I don't.

I don't know the science of it, and I don't think it exists anyway.

But, like, you

but we're talking about mulch here.

Like, there's just, what's this?

I'm just blown away right now.

I don't even understand his angle.

Like, when could this guy talk?

Look I

get him.

What can he talk?

Probably two weeks.

Maybe.

Hopefully.

Fingers crossed.

If there's a God.

We'll find out about this mulch.

Look, you got two of the, you got to.

Is this an emergency break the glass situation we allow in the talk?

Or is that like the throw all

this far and then get up at the fucking end?

Yeah, I mean, it's Tell him Steve Dave, so I'd say he can if you want to.

I just, I just like oxygen's there, right?

The fuel is there.

I think in this case, to undo all the all the fucking great accolades I just threw at you, you should stay silent.

He ain't 147.

He's 148.

Let me get into it.

Let me get into it.

Because I also feel like I have a lot of mulch around my house.

Oh, yeah.

That's a wolf.

I went into, I have now contacted my wife and was like, we've got to make movements to get rid of all the mulch that we have around our house because if we go away.

Do you have any irrigation?

Do you have like a sprinkler system?

Oh, that goes on at night?

No.

Oh, okay.

No.

No.

Because that'll wet the chips for you.

You're probably pretty safe.

I should just be watering the mulch, right?

I really don't think you got to worry about this at all, buddy.

I don't think this is one you got to worry about.

Yeah, but next thing you know, I think if you were there

when you left that pizza parlor and saw what I saw, the horror of that fucking midget volcano

that midget volcano haunts me.

People running and screaming.

It's like Pompeii all over again.

People frozen in time.

Yeah, but we don't want, obviously, though, we don't want.

Yeah, but your house is made of wood.

Your house is made of timber.

Yeah, which is flammable.

Yeah, way more.

Yeah, but that's what I'm saying.

Like, you're already living in wood.

A few wooden colours.

No, but like now to know that, like,

the knowledge that it could just

happen

without anybody doing anything is terrifying.

It would be.

Because I saw this fire, this little bidget volcano turn into a fucking raging volcano

within a couple minutes.

I'm sure it was harrowing, yeah.

And I was stunned at how this could happen.

And then when he told me it could just happen with no rhyme or reason, with no

spontaneously, that is a game changer.

It's terrifying.

Because, like you said, how many people have mulch around their house that don't even know this?

The mulch industry should be obligated to tell you that it can erupt.

spontaneously at any given moment in the sense.

And I'm going to do that because then what the fuck are you going to do, man?

Nobody's going to buy their product.

It should be the most heavily regulated industry in the entire country.

Mulch.

Like mulch runners over the border.

Yeah, it's no fucking joke, man.

I was terrified by it.

Let me look into this.

All right.

Tom also poo-pooed your, because I was talking to Tom about the Tom Millish Melajuski

about the rubber mulch, and he said he just bought like $1,000 worth.

And I said, hey, did you hear this week's

place?

Yeah, he says, no.

Oh, how how did it get to the end of the day?

He's like, it's made out of the same shit that your tires are made out of.

Your car's not giving you cancer, is it?

Yeah.

Guess what?

Your kids aren't fucking playing in it and aren't fucking licking the tires, aren't playing with toys, you know,

like their toys and they're sleeping with their little teddy bears and playing out in the backyard in the rubber mulch.

There you go, Tom.

Yeah,

Tom.

Rubber mulch, isn't the point of mulch to fertilize the property?

Like, how is rubber mulch doing that?

I think it's just for looks at this point.

Yeah, it's just like aesthetics.

I don't know.

And it could be safer, too, in terms of no fires, but

I've heard that it can cause

tires burning all the time.

Some tire fires are still burning.

They can't even get them out.

That's fucking crazy.

Good luck, Tom.

See how it goes for you.

You know what happened?

He can't return it.

That's why he's like, he's just fucking

shit.

That's why he's trying to assure himself that it's it's going to be fine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I like that he won't take a thousand dollar loss rather than exist.

His whole family is going to get cancer.

As soon as he starts forgetting shit,

then he's going to be like, oh, fuck.

Never should have gotten that rubber mulch.

That's funny.

So we had my buddy Joan Bergio was on the show

the Space Monkeys episode when you weren't in.

And I think he got a good reaction.

People seemed to be.

Oh, people really liked it.

He told me that people, but so I was with him yesterday or the day before, and I was trying to explain to him who Getham, like Getham's story and stuff like that.

You know, I went to the beginning and I told him everything, and

he was like, it's the fucking greatest story.

The fact that you guys hated him so much, and now he's just in your life.

And I go, the craziest thing I was like, is like, I worry about him.

Sometimes I just sit there and be like, what's going on to do with his life?

Like, where's Getham in 20 years?

I worry about these things.

But

not if you're going to go spending multi-fire combusting at the fucking.

I mean, he's got the videos to back it up, though.

Yeah.

So we'll see.

All right.

So maybe in a couple episodes, we'll get that.

If he wins the trial, I'll set up a brainiac episode where he can fucking flex in front of people.

What are you going to do, though?

How do you throw that game in his favor?

I won't have to throw it.

I won't have to throw it.

I'll come up with the brightest minds in TSD Town.

Right.

Not Tom anymore.

No, certainly.

Well,

we'll cancel.

We shouldn't joke about that.

But yeah, we'll see what happens.

What do you do?

All right, let's say you set it up.

Yeah.

And

I understand it's not likely to happen.

And Genem gets trounced.

Like, embarrassed.

Like, how does that affect his morale?

Everything going forward.

His role on the show.

Why?

Because...

Because people won't respect 148 as much.

Because he loses.

But, like, embarrassed.

Like, he's not as smart as these guys.

And he's revealed to be a bit of a fucking maloke.

Oh, like, what do you...

I think that's like worrying if,

you know, what if the sun doesn't come up tomorrow?

Sure, all right.

But

what if I, what if, what if there's no more, you know, what if there's no more internet?

Or like, it's just these are things that, like, you know, you don't really have to worry about.

I have confidence.

I have utmost confidence that, I mean, I've seen him

do it so often on so many different topics that

I have confidence that he will perform

and perform to a level that like most cannot hang with.

I can't wait.

Okay.

I can't wait.

Stu, Stu, hit me up at K-Mus2.

And I'm sure I'll get Frank.

Would you consider Frank one of the top minds?

Yes, I would.

Okay.

He's a professor.

I would.

I would.

Okay.

I respect Frank greatly.

Yes.

But

there are some instances where you're like, he's like, is he one of the top minds?

You know, throwing up on a cake?

I like the weird shit that he does.

Yeah, like eating onion rings, even though he knows he's going to get diarrhea.

You know, driving garbage around all hours of the day.

It's a sign of like eclectic behavior is a sign of genius.

Yes.

Yeah.

All right.

All right.

So for next week, I just want to remind you, go to patreon.com slash TED.

Join up now, and then you can see that episode 600.

You could see all the visuals.

It's going to be a lot of great visuals.

And plus, I'll give you the back library, too, to

parouse, peruse,

and

for however long you're a member for, if you aren't a member already.

So you get a lot for that five bucks buy-in.

And the episode will be ad-free, episode 600.

No ads.

Taking it on the chin

for the ants next episode.

We've had about seven or eight ads that we were like, no.

Fuck it.

We don't care about the money.

Not an episode 600.

We don't need it to pay for episode 600.

Yeah.

Can I do quick plug?

Yeah.

Sal's stand-up special.

He did a comedy special.

He put it up on YouTube now.

Oh, great.

So it's called Salvocano Terrified.

If anyone wants to go check that out, it's very funny.

It's up there right at this moment.

They're right there.

Yeah, it's right up right now.

Awesome.

And then we're touring this weekend coming up.

We're in Orlando and Atlanta.

We have shows.

Oh, you're going on a summer tour?

We're doing weekends here and there.

Okay.

But I think that the time to catch us on a tour is running out.

I think we only have like 14 dates left, and I'm not sure that

I think it'll be a while before we're back on the road.

All right, so this is it.

This is your last opportunity.

It is in there while we're you're going to say that, but

fuck it.

You said it.

I think

this is going to be this is the time to see us if you ever wanted to see us.

But yeah, so I just want to give Sal that little plug.

Got a plug, Brian?

I do.

We're going to be down in Orlando, Q and I.

Oh, Jiggy's thing, yeah.

Yeah, go to Jiggy Comedy, and you can find out how to get tickets to the Space Monkey show that Q and I are going to do on, I believe it's the 5th or the 6th.

I'm not sure which one.

I think it's on the Saturday.

I don't know what Saturday is.

I'll bring you back some souls from the Mall of America.

Oh, please.

Please do.

Okay.

Did you bring us back any souvenirs from England?

No.

Tell them, Steve, Dave.

Nice.