#557: Kissing Bandits
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Transcript
Fuck Brian Johnson, fuck Sega, fuck Mary Beth.
There's no doubt I'm the asshole.
All right, you're fat, but you're not that fat.
Like when I look at myself on the screen, it was disturbing.
Tell him Steve Dave.
Hello, everyone.
Welcome to this week's edition of Tellum Steve Dave.
Hey, Walt.
Yo.
Hey, Giddam.
How you stanking?
Giddem's here.
And by remote,
satellite,
internet, whatever it is.
Technology.
Hi.
Hi, everybody.
Yeah.
So let me tell you right up front, BQ's remote.
We're not doing any video this week.
Q, I got so much to talk about.
Oh, all right.
But first, let's talk about business.
Bidness.
The business of
setting out on the high seas.
Yes.
Right.
The Impractical Joker's cruise has returned, slightly altered.
We got Eric Andre
on board.
We love working with him.
So actually, honestly, if I'm going to, all credit what credits due.
This is baby.
This is because of Eric.
Eric was like, I always wanted to be in one of the cruises, and he made this happen.
He willed this into existence.
And I'm very grateful that he did because I'm looking forward to like, I'm looking forward to doing it again.
It's going to be great.
Yeah.
Same here.
Same here.
And you know what I found out, Q?
What's that?
That, like, let's say you booked another cruise and then the IJ one came out and you're like, shit, why did I book that other cruise?
Sure.
You can switch to the IJ cruise if you want if it's a six-man cruise okay
all right how did you find that out
part is i find things out okay do a little research yeah uh the bad thing is it costs three hundred dollars to switch okay so you have to you know so that part sucks but if you really want to go on the ij cruise and you've already committed to another one it's not impossible Okay, I don't know where we're going with this.
I don't know.
You know,
I'm just saying.
Well, thank you for doing that research.
I appreciate that.
Yes, no problem.
Happy to.
All right.
Yeah, but it's going to be great.
It's going to be,
you know, it's, it's,
look,
it's quite possibly the last one.
We didn't think this one was going to happen.
So, you know, it's going to be a blow.
We're going all out.
It's going to be, it's going to be a madhouse.
Yeah, I'm pretty excited by it.
Can I tell you, and I guess it didn't make its way back to you.
I accidentally leaked the dates on a live stream Friday.
It did not get back to me.
Thank God.
Okay.
I was talking to Sage, and somebody asked about the cruise in
the comments.
Okay.
I said, oh, it's the 22 to the 26th of January.
And everybody's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I was like, well, that's what you told me, right?
Those are the dates.
And she's like, yeah, but you're not supposed to say them.
Yeah.
And I was like, oh, I didn't know.
I thought they were on the poster.
They're on the poster now.
Everybody to be cool.
Not spread it around.
They were.
Hey, they did it.
They did it.
You know, I got to tell you, between this,
between everybody being cool about that and everybody being
so cool at the Joker's movie screening and not bringing up
any tapes that may or may not have been made all those years ago.
I got to tell you, man, like my faith in the ants is not that I was ever really dipping, but that's some fucking, that's some shit, man.
Like that is, that's ride or die.
Yeah.
I assured you, didn't I?
You did.
You did.
You did.
I assured you.
Yeah, I told you, man.
Them ants is solid, man.
They are,
you know, how they build, ants build a bridge and so that, you know, they, they sacrifice, like some ants sacrifice themselves by building a bridge over like canyons and stuff so the other ants can make it over.
Yeah,
that's what our listenership is like.
Yeah.
I, I, I felt it.
And when we were doing the meet and greet, like the picture thing at the end, like more than one person whispered to me that, you know,
they, that they could have asked the question and they didn't.
That sort of ball busting, I appreciate.
You know what I mean?
Like,
that's fair play.
I love that.
So it was on people's mind and they didn't ask.
And I was really like, fuck, man, this is why I've never deviated from saying the answer.
They're just the best, man.
Yeah, they really are.
Yeah.
We did a, Mary Beth, Sage and I did a live stream Friday.
I did not expect it, but people were very generous.
to Sage.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, because you can send money over YouTube.
So, like, somebody sent 10 bucks, and I was like, oh, that must be for you, you know, because she thinks she's saving for a Tesla.
Really, what she's saving for is her support after I die.
She doesn't know it's all going into a trust
because she has to be taken care of, you know?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
So generous on top.
She did well.
They're generous.
They were really nice.
And like when I looked at the comments to the live stream, and I know I'm opening myself up here, not one negative comment.
Oh, wow.
Not one.
And I was shocked because I mean, there, I'm that kind of person that can find negativity in anything.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I feel that there's like one of my kindred souls out there that's like, fuck Brian Johnson, fuck Sega, fuck Mary Beth.
Nobody said it, though.
Nobody said it.
Look at our unboxing video.
Totally different story.
Oh, really?
I'm a Mark.
Why didn't you guys call me a pigeon?
Where do you, where did you and your marriage end up on that issue?
I mean, she, I've thought about this a lot since that day.
Oh, me too.
She
hoodwinked you.
I feel like she kind of did.
Because, I mean, originally, I was like, she tricked me to get me in there.
Yeah.
And then once we're there, I should have paid more attention.
I shouldn't have let her handle it.
I should have been like, is it going to look like this?
I was genuinely under the impression that they were taking a picture and then like sort of painting over it so it looked like an oil painting type thing.
And if you're wondering what we're talking about, it's the unboxing video of the portrait that Mary Beth and I had taken.
It's on at TESD Town on YouTube.
And another thing, I, you know, because if you like and subscribe to the channel, like if you like the videos, it raises you in the algorithm so more people will see the videos, I guess.
And I was always like, oh my God, all these people smash the like button, subscribe.
Now I'm one of them.
Now I'm one of them.
Yeah, like decades after everybody else.
Like you're like, did you know that you can,
you're like, you discovered this new technology?
Check this out.
And it lets you know when we make a new video.
Can you somehow?
It's called a notification.
Yeah.
So thank you, everyone, for joining us on the live stream.
Sage's on her mother's this weekend, so she won't be doing it again, maybe next weekend.
Oh, shit.
So we've got lots of other stuff to talk about.
I have a crew.
Dude, I feel like Julie McCoy from the Love Boat.
Are you on Coke?
Because it feels like you have been for a couple weeks.
I know, very madly.
I've been getting into arguments.
Julie McCoy was on Coke.
That's why she was removed from the love boat.
And replaced by Judy.
I wish I had Coke.
No.
This is me all natural, baby.
What was I going to say?
Oh, the people coming to me as if I were the cruise director, I have
Ming.
Oh.
I got Troy Merrill.
I got Frank Five and Miss Five.
Nice.
I got Ryan Hearst.
Oh, wow.
Next to me.
I got
who's.
Oh, Jimmy the Hare guy.
I mean, these, like
they have to pay to get on the ship, right?
Or are you getting them cabins?
Boom, me?
Yeah.
No.
I make a fair amount of money on the cruise, but not enough that I can buy cabins for all those people.
Yeah, there's.
I'm just telling you, these are people that have expressed interest.
They want to be on like
a family list or something like that.
There's for sure a friends and family rate.
We were allotted like five free cabins to give away, and I'm already up to like 15 cabins.
Like I'm paying for
my family, the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
So, so, you know, I love Ming Chen, but he's got no shot.
So
he.
What about Jimmy the hair guy?
Jimmy the hair guy's got less of a shot than Ming.
It would probably be Ming first.
Because he's the one who bought your hair.
I tried this all come out.
He should have saved the money to go on the cruise.
Yeah, you should have.
Can he return the hair and get a cabin?
Or can he just use the hair to pay for the cabin?
Slap some hair on the counter.
The credit card bill comes in, put it in an envelope, and send it to the company.
My hair is
an official tender.
Yeah.
Just nobody's hair.
Yeah, that's his hair.
Oh, but that'd be good.
Like, we, you know, it's a pretty good break, but like, that'd be, like, we could have a Tell him Steve Dave kind of like we could take over like a bar on the ship and make a Tell him Steve Dave tavern.
Well, yeah, there are definitely at Moots on the ship that we could have gone to, but this time maybe.
I've been down there flying the fucking flag for all of us.
Well, no, that's not true.
I went one year.
Thank you.
I went one year.
I went to the one in the bowling alley.
And
it was like
there was no hanging out for me.
It was just like, you know, it was just like, there's never any hanging out.
I just want to hang out.
But it's, it's, you know.
Hanging out is kind of relegated to your room.
You just got to invite everybody.
Yeah, yeah.
Although I think, well, now we're doing, because the last two cruises, we didn't do a photo, like a meet, like a photo op thing, because it just takes fucking hours, and we didn't want to do it.
And this time, we were like, you know what?
We asked for it.
We were like, let's do it.
If this is the last one
or, you know, possibly the last one.
Like, we want it we want everybody to like come in and really be happy.
So we're going to take pictures with everybody in the boat.
So hopefully that'll like lessen.
Like I'll be able to go to the bar and hang out a little bit.
People won't be.
I get it.
Like they want a picture.
I totally understand it, but like, maybe if we take the photos, we'll be able to hang out a little bit more, right?
Yeah, people will be like, I got the picture, got the picture, right?
So, that's so that's what I'm hoping.
Like, that's what I'm hoping will happen, and we'll be able to hang out a little bit more with the ants.
I need your guys' opinion on this, too, going back to YouTube.
I noticed that on YouTube, like, you know, our unboxing is like me holding my head and Mary Beth just looking at me.
You know, the thumbnail is what draws people in.
And I noticed that, like, while we have a healthy amount of views, views, there are other videos that have way more views.
And the thing they all have in common is there's a lady in the thumbnail with like her boobs kind of spilling out of her shirt.
No nudity.
Or like she's, you know, covering up because somebody's taking a picture of her in a shower or whatever.
That kind of thing.
So even though it has nothing to do with our videos from now on, do I just put like a thumbnail of Mary Beth that I've taken?
You know,
spill it out.
Well, that trumps the idea I had.
My thing was like, we should have
my instant thought was like, well, why don't we have some of the 13%ers
submit photos for it?
And we use that idea.
That could be in the thumbnail.
But I think I like your idea better.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think so.
I hate them both.
You hate them both ideas?
Of course you do.
Of course you do.
Unfortunately, I've voted on this one.
No 13%ers, just like a regular picture of them?
No.
I don't think that really is.
I mean, how is that really selling our brand now?
It's not.
I'm not going to put them up.
I'm just saying.
Well, that's on brand right there.
There you go.
Yeah.
What do you got, Walt?
You had something, right?
You and Giddam?
Yeah, why is Getem you?
Oh, no.
Oh, I thought you said you were going to bring up the.
You had your topic, one of your topic, your talking points, and I felt like.
One of my talking points.
Oh, which one is it?
The Frank one.
Oh, the Frank one with.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, Q, um, Frank made the mistake of watching a Devils game with Walton Rupert one time.
Yeah.
No, the day we went to Kmart, the night we went to King Kevin.
The day we went to Kmart, and the Devils won.
So immediately, Frank, and I gotta say, I was gonna come down on you for this, but now you might be right.
So Frank drives all the way down from upstate New York so he can sit here for the game seven of Rangers vs.
Devils.
Uh-huh.
He promised he would come back if
the Devils needed that extra
bolt of luck.
Sure.
He said,
we kind of coined him the good luck charm since he came and they actually won the first game.
Then
he said he would come back.
And sure enough,
he said he would, and he did.
He drove all the way back down after work and got here and watched game seven.
And the subsequent games, after the first day he was here, we had to have an empty chair, which was Frank's chair.
And in addition, Rupp never changed his clothes.
Really?
Yes.
He was wearing the same shirt and everything from when they won the first game.
Lots of superstitions were flying fast and furious.
And once they don't work, they're abandoned completely.
But this one worked for you.
Yeah, they won game seven.
Rangers lost.
They ate nuts, right?
But there was one superstition that really, I felt, turned the tide.
And that's why I really want Giddem to explain
what happened.
What I feel was a turning point in the series.
Because Giddam was a Ranger fan, and it was very difficult.
I am.
No, it was.
Giddam was a Ranger fan.
It was very difficult to be in a room watching a game with somebody who was running it for the other team.
But something happened that turned the tide.
And
I have to let Giddam explain what happened.
Hold on, but I sent you a picture of what I'm talking about, Q.
When did you send that?
Just about 20 minutes ago.
Oh, okay.
I got it.
I see it.
All right.
Okay, I see that.
I see what we're talking about.
Go ahead, get him.
Well, explain what you did.
Explain
your little snarkiness and your little bitchiness of what you did.
No, it's not.
And how it fucking.
Bitch you in your fucking bitch.
Did they come back at him?
Karma bits?
No, it's not.
Karma bits.
They wanted to watch the game here
at the general store.
So I knew that in the back I had some surplus theatrical supplies I got from the high school.
So I had a flashing red light, which I'm not sure if you know when a goal happens in the NHL, a red light flashes.
So I decided to.
He's a Devils fan.
Of course he knows.
He's been to the game.
Listeners too may not know.
Yeah.
He's painted a picture.
Yeah.
All right.
So
I mean, is anybody concerned that Gidam is now storing garbage from the local high school in the office?
You guys like, oh, it's bad.
That goes without mention.
Dude, it's.
We've had it since 35.
We're going to have to abandon the office and get a new one.
We've had it since 35, but there's other stuff.
Like, there's a fog machine, a laser machine, a strobe light.
We've used it in previous things.
We have utilized this equipment that he's found in a dumpster.
But I set it up with the remote control so that whenever anyone scored a goal, the red light would go off.
Hold on now.
Have you ever done this before, previous playoff games?
No.
No.
Have we ever watched a previous playoff game
here?
You have.
Has more than one person watched it here?
Has anyone ever watched the playoff game here?
Yes or no?
I don't believe so.
You must have.
Yeah, I have, but besides.
Did you set up the light previously?
No.
And also, to paint a picture, the first two games, the Rangers scored 10 goals to the Devils 2.
Yes, yes.
So there was a lot of red lights going on for the Rangers.
Blinding all the Devils fans.
So this motherfucker thought it would be funny to put that fucking red light up on the TV and he was going to be pressing it all night long with that toothless fucking grin
and shoving it in our faces.
No.
And so what happened?
The Rangers scored the first goal.
The Rangers did score the first goal, yes.
And what did you do?
You are pressing that button with that big grin on.
I did press the button.
And then you instructed Rupper that he could go up there and smack the light up.
I didn't think he was going to do it.
But he did it.
And his face when he did it was fucking priceless.
And the look of us like.
Why don't you guys have video with all that?
That is a real right there.
You don't want to hear some of the shit being said.
You've heard of sore losers?
These guys are sore winners.
Even when they're up, they're like, motherfucker, why is he doing this?
Shit, shit, shit.
Meanwhile, I'm just sitting there watching the game with my finger over a button.
You're right back in it, huh?
You're right back in it.
I was, yeah, pulled right back in by 1998.
98?
No, 95.
95.
Yeah.
But I felt that as soon as that light got fucking thrown to the ground in anger, it totally changed the series.
The Rangers didn't go to score on any more goals Yeah.
In the games that they won.
One more goal in the games that they lost.
They got two shutouts and only one other goal in four games they lost.
But like I said, I flashed that light for every goal for every deal.
You thought you were going to be flashing red lights.
No, I did not.
It was definitely.
You had 10 goals scored.
I thought it would be cool.
Karma Kunt.
Karma Kunt.
It's a bitch.
No, I thought it would be cool to have the flashing red light.
It would be like you're at the stadium.
Get him.
Nobody believes you for the Devils or just the Rangers.
He said he was going to do do it for everybody.
And I did do it for everybody.
Yeah, all of them.
Except last night, because
I took a, I put my, I licked my finger, put it up to the wind, and I'm like, yeah, I'm not going to do it tonight.
But I did do it when the devil scored last night.
Wow.
Yeah, I agree with you, Walt.
No one get him as long as I know him.
There was definitely a streak in him that was going to be like fun to press that button in front of you when the Rangers scored.
But if you could have said, it was like shock and horror when Rupp went up and fucking pushed it over.
You could just hear it's a heavy light, too.
So it smashes the ground.
I just look over, I get him.
He's just like.
But incredulous.
It's still working.
It still works.
It's cracked, but it still works.
You're lucky.
It would have been fucking in pieces if the Rangers had won that serious.
But anyway, so Frank 5 comes down.
He stays for the game.
The Devils win.
Rangers are gone.
And,
you know, it's the game gets over at like 10:30 at night.
So, Walt was like, Well, Frank, if you want to just stay and sleep on this couch that Gidham sleeps on, there's all kinds of Bluetooth wrappers stuffed down into the cracks of the cushions and shit.
Strange, yeah, there's like, what's it?
Yeah, there's Bluetooth.
Bluetooth wrappers, like all under the, and he won't move them.
Why are there Bluetooth the erection medicine?
Yes, from who?
No clue.
They were here before we got here.
So, I'm guessing from the Democratic
Month County.
No one has informed me of this.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Really?
So, that's a casting couch, huh?
I guess so, yeah.
Wow.
Well, so what?
You sleep on it?
Why?
Frank's so.
I don't think it's wrong to offer that couch to Frank.
But why wouldn't you offer him your house?
That's what I had to do.
I stepped in and I was like, you could stay in my guest room if you want, you know?
But then he never texted.
He just drove right back to New York.
And I was like, if this, if...
The devil's won, these motherfuckers are going to try to get him to come back again.
Sure.
And like, I was sure of it because they are so superstitious.
And then the devil's lost.
So I'm like,
how can I argue it?
They might be right.
Yeah.
Frank might be a good luck charm.
Yeah, Frank might need to have to go.
When's the next game?
Tomorrow.
But yeah, we can't expect him to come.
Yeah, you can.
But he at least, like, we're looking at Q on
StreamYard, too.
Yeah, we thought he was.
You could put him on that?
Yeah, put the laptop on the chair.
Or possibly like a cutout.
Oh, get one of the big head things for the wall.
Yeah.
Yeah, with Frank.
That's not a bad idea.
Yeah, like when COVID happened, they were putting cardboard cutouts of the people up in the stands.
It looked like they were kind of filled.
Nice.
There you go.
People reached out to me.
They felt bad for me because Deb Flanagan was dropping the hammer on me for those wool-like darks.
Incidentally, I looked it up for, you can get that shit on Amazon very easily.
Yeah, we don't, yeah, we're not big online shoppers.
You know, we...
We like to go out and do it the old-fashioned way and
walk up and down the aisle.
It's the last store in the state that has it.
Because then when we do find it,
it's a tiny, like, it's a fleeting rush, but it's still a rush.
Dopamine hit.
As someone who has taken many drugs, I don't think the dopamine hit is the same.
I don't think it's the same.
I'm surprised.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But it's just too easy.
You almost have to go to the hospital.
Just to order it online, and then it just comes.
And it's just like there's no
way to go.
There's no hunter-gathering time.
There's no hour-long drive.
Yeah, there's no
feeling of accomplishment, though.
Get it.
There's like something about getting it, holding it in your hand, and
the rush continues until you get home.
When you order it, it's gone as soon as you hit.
Yes.
And then when it comes in, you're like, oh, okay, it came in, so I don't have to worry about it anymore.
And then
I did notice that the Flanagan's pupils were like pinpoints.
They were so dilated, they were so excited.
Let's see.
What else do we got here?
I got offended.
My wife offended me.
Oh.
And I thought, you know, because I didn't think that was possible.
I didn't think so either.
Somebody tweeted.
They're like, oh, I love the live stream with that retard and stage.
Which I thought was funny.
Clever?
Clever?
It was Nugget.
It was that motherfucker nugget.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And
I laughed at it.
I was like, I wrote back.
I was like, that made me laugh, you know?
Yeah.
And
I said something to Mary Beth.
Oh, I made a joke to her.
And she goes, oh, you were saving that one up, huh?
And I was like, I was annoyed at that.
I was like, are you saying that I couldn't make up that joke in this moment?
And she's like,
it just seemed like you had it ready.
And I was like, I didn't.
It really offended me.
I was really upset by it.
I'm like, you're telling me that, like, am I too old now?
Am I not coming up with shit fast enough?
I think I missed something here.
Like, she thought you came up with that joke?
No, I made a joke.
And then she goes, you've been holding on to that one.
Incidentally, her Her mother said the same thing to me one time.
So you don't bank jokes?
No, never.
Never.
Almost never.
Okay.
Almost never.
Almost never.
Yeah.
I'll admit, I did bank a joke for Ming's
that I said to Ming.
It was Ming's dinner.
I said he had sold three of them to his wife and kids.
That was the only joke so far
in recent memory that I banked.
But other than that, I'm like, I don't like being accused of that shit.
Because it makes me think, like, am I slowing down?
Am I not.
Well, what difference would it make?
As long as the joke is funny at the end of the day, whether
you came up with it, but I just said it like accusatory or like, oh, you've been holding on to that one.
Like, I couldn't come up with something in the moment.
I was annoyed.
I got to tell you.
Yeah.
I'm very on edge lately, Q.
We haven't spoken, but I feel very
getting into arguments with people, that kind of shit.
What's going on?
I think because I'm unmedicated.
There's no way to get medicated still?
No, there is, but like the medication that they give me, it makes me feel like dead inside, more so, you know?
Okay.
So I don't want to take that shit.
And I'm really trying to keep it in check lately.
Like, I realize that I'm getting too mad at something, so I try to pull it back.
Sometimes it's not possible.
Well, that's maturity.
That's good.
I just, I'd hate to see you because sometimes you get like
I've seen you get that faraway look in your eyes.
You know what I mean?
Like, and like you start seeing some things that might not necessarily be there.
So
I don't want you to fall into that.
Is that where you're at?
Kind of.
Oh, yeah.
You can't.
That's not good, bro.
Thankfully, Mary Beth has to take the brunt of it.
Sure.
You're accusing me of not making up jokes on the spot.
I talked to her for three days.
Have you tried the pins and needles, needles and pins method?
Ralph Cramden?
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I haven't tried that.
That might work.
Where you stop and you count to 10.
Pins and needles, needles and pins.
It's a happy man that grins.
And you count to 10 and say, what am I angry about?
Right.
Probably the same thing.
I would be angry at the same thing.
Okay.
But I've been trying to keep it in check.
Right.
Yeah.
What about another medical?
She called me an idiot the other day.
She called you an idiot.
Beth did.
Called me an idiot.
Yeah.
Because, like, you know, when you're coming from Wawa over in Redbank and you're going over the bridge
in Redbank, I'm going to try to...
describe this for people.
I do it every day.
Okay, so you're going straight and you're going across a bridge, but the way this road is, it's like you sort of have to like, yeah, adjust.
Yeah, it's like a
dog leg almost.
It's a dog leg.
yeah
uh so we're driving back from somewhere and
if i continue to go straight in this lane i'm gonna hit the other the opposing traffic head on okay
so you have to kind of like go around them and you know to stay in your lane so i i start driving and i go watch what i do to this guy And I just kept driving at him and driving at him until like his eyes got real wide and like he straightened up and then I pulled away.
I don't know, man.
I think maybe you should get back on the medication.
No, not funny.
Well, what if he had reacted badly?
What if he had fucking swerved off the road?
Like, drove at me?
No, because you never know what the other idiot's going to do.
Right.
Well, he was at a stoplight.
He was at a stoplight.
He couldn't go anywhere.
He could have tried to accelerate and go to the left, which would have put him into those other two lanes right by that abandoned gas station.
So is it an idiotic thing to do then?
Is she right?
It was funny.
You would have laughed.
I know if you were with me, you would have laughed.
It's certainly not a very safe thing to do.
I didn't give it like inches.
It was definitely like enough that anybody.
Well, you know what?
I'd also be lying.
I'd also be lying if I didn't say like I've done goofy things like that behind the wheels.
Yeah, yeah.
So, but so anybody out there judging us?
Well, it's just like
I don't think you should be ping-ponging around like an unmedicated Road Warrior.
Like, I think, like, maybe you should try a different medication.
Yeah.
If anybody knows what medication I should be on, I was on lithium and what the fuck was the other shit?
I can't remember the other stuff, but oh, Depico.
I don't want to take either of them.
So if you know of medications other than them, tweet me at TelhemSteve Dave.
What about a...
I like blind spotting people.
Like, I just exist in their blind spot.
And it's even easier.
It's even easier nowadays because that little light comes on, so I know I'm right there.
But what is the benefit of that?
I wish I had a blind spot for you.
But like, can't you exist in my blind spot?
In my career,
I thought I'd do that most days.
I don't understand that.
Like, isn't that exactly what they teach you not to do when you're driving?
Is driving people's blind spot?
I remember I started doing it with my mother when I would follow her.
But when she worked on that, that's not what I asked, though.
That's not what I asked.
Like, isn't that what they teach you not to do?
Isn't that dangerous?
I don't remember.
Well, that's why, like I said, I do it with cars that have that little light on it now.
But why?
Why do you do it?
It's just, you know, when I'm driving, it's just something to, you know, just do while you're just driving along.
You just do it to be annoying.
No, I don't know.
Because you know you're in the blind spot and you're not making any effort to get out of the blind spot.
You're the guy that I'm like, what is this asshole's problem?
Them and people in the passing lane.
Yeah, if they got to go.
I was in Middletown the other day.
I almost got, this is like, this is why I got to get medicated.
This fucking guy.
We're at a light, and he's in the passing lane.
I'm in the passing lane.
I'm behind him.
He starts going.
Now,
we're by the Middletown police station.
We're by McDonald's, which you know where it is.
It's like, I don't know, a half mile away.
The motherfucker's still going 30 miles an hour.
So I just give him a little honk, like, come on, get over, you know, because he's fucking neck and neck with somebody in the passing lane.
An elephant race.
So he drops behind the guy, he goes over, and then gives me the finger.
Gives me the finger.
I fucking slam on the brakes, and then I start riding parallel with him.
I roll the window down.
I'm like, pull the fuck over.
Pull the fuck.
He's like, a guy looks kind of my age, you know,
it was,
it's just, then he, he pulled over, but then, like, I passed and he like pulled over into a parking lot and went around.
I guess he didn't want to mess with that kind of shit.
But
don't fucking do that to people.
Unless you're willing to fucking step out of your car and settle it, don't be a little fucking pussy and give somebody the finger and then drive away.
But why?
That's one of the great benefits of the vehicle:
is the finger and the escape.
Yeah, I mean, it drove me crazy.
Why?
I didn't even enjoy my lunch.
I don't know.
I don't know.
And everybody's probably like, oh, he's an asshole, which is true.
But
that's concerning.
I need a little medicine, that's all.
Yeah.
And I haven't fucked with anybody, though.
I haven't been mean to anybody.
I haven't done anything bad.
Like any of that shit.
Just people that fuck with me.
I don't like it.
I think I'm the guy that, like, that can be the cause of some of people's frustrations on the road.
When I'm driving, sometimes I'll stay in that fast lane.
I just forget I'm there, and I'll just start to like daydream.
And understandable, but if somebody's like, hey, I'm just trying to pass me or give you the lights, give me the finger or everything.
Yeah, I'm always more just kind of like, wow, I fucking, I can't believe it.
Like, I know I'm wrong, and I don't get mad about it.
I'm just like, I just go, oh, fuck, that guy just gave me the finger.
And Deb's like, yeah, because you're in the fast lane,
doing 30 miles an hour.
And I'm like, I know, I know, I just forgot.
I'm like, bullet fucking wall.
Yeah, I have a tendency to daydream at times.
Sounds safe.
Sometimes it's when I'm driving, which isn't good.
Yeah,
I get in that lane and I forget.
I rear-ended somebody daydreaming once.
You get distracted by a song on the other road.
It could be a song.
It could be anything.
It could be, you know, like, you know,
caught up in what I'm like the game later on that night, or it just could be anything.
And all of a sudden, then I got like five or six,
you know, people on the road fucking trying to fucking let me know I'm public enemy number one by or telling me I'm number one by using their middle finger.
I never give anybody the finger.
Never.
We had to return the U-Haul truck after we helped
his brother-in-law move.
And I'm in the lead.
He's in the U-Haul truck behind me.
And
I get to the U-Haul place, which is by All-American Chevrolet.
And I'm like, where's Walt?
And like the guy comes out.
He goes, get out of his driver.
And we got, no, because we had left at the same time.
I had seen him behind me.
We just, like, we missed by one light.
And I'm like, it's now five minutes later.
What the heck is Walt?
And like the guy's out there waiting to check the truck in because I told him, hey,
the truck's about to come in.
And like 10 minutes later, he finally comes into the
U-Haul place.
And he's like, oh, I got distracted by a song.
I missed it.
And then I missed the other couple turns.
And I tried to make a U-turn.
And I'm like, oh, my God.
It was I, the Tiger by Survivor.
Oh, all right.
And I missed it.
I missed two U-turns because I was like listening to the lyrics.
You were doing the Let's All Go To To Ho, the movie.
Or no,
it was the Gamera movie.
Yeah.
I was like, I was changing the words from Aya the Tiger to Ayah of the Turtle or something.
So I was really intently listening to the lyrics, and I just kept driving.
Well, at least I know what people in the passing lane are doing now.
Ridiculous shit.
He's probably singing Aya the Turtle.
I'm going to let him stay here for a couple of days.
Let him have his fun.
Yeah.
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All right.
That's the first one.
I'm already fucking in for another Blue October concert.
Yeah, it's coming up in September.
I'm going to try to to get him on the show, though, this time.
Okay.
So we can talk to him and I can tell him about my pain.
Do you think all these Blue October concerts?
Do you think they're going to share that vision that going to their concert's a pain?
They might not.
I'd like to hear their defense.
Maybe you should let them know that this is a topic before they come in.
Yeah.
Do you have any topics to share with you?
You're going to be in the hot seat, Justin.
Yeah.
What else do we got?
I have all kinds of shit written.
I'm seeing Jamie Farr tomorrow.
Jamie Farr.
And Loretta Sweat.
Okay, so for those of you who don't recognize me from the mid-70s, they were Hot Lips.
Hot Lips William
and Max Klinger from Radar.
I mean, from MASH, rather.
Oh, right.
Isn't Giddam you going to some con with Chuck?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I know that because me and Chuck, you know,
it's been emailing a little bit lately.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm finally.
Did you turn down and he went to me?
What did he say?
Did you turn down the invite and he went to me?
No, no, no, no.
I'm trying to get Chuck to work on something
with us.
Okay.
Yeah.
Just leave Drake.
So far, he's been unreceptive.
He's a tough guy.
I told you months ago, I think he's out of my league already.
But
I'm trying to secure his talent
for my own purposes.
I have to give out one thing, too.
Oh, you know what?
I've got to ask you something in a second, Walt.
If you play Neopets, you should friend super underscore puppy underscore girl444.
Beyond that, I don't know.
I don't know what this show's turning into.
I mean,
you're all over the fucking map.
Walt, what is it like to be in the room with these two right now?
Because they seem crazy.
Energetic, right?
Manic.
Manic is the word I'm thinking.
Chaotic.
It's pretty unfocused.
Yeah.
That's like you.
I need my Adderall.
I tried Stratera.
It didn't work.
I need my Adderall.
Okay.
Is Stratera an extra release?
Stratera's extended release non-stimulant.
I took it for a month.
I'm like, this shit sucks.
Do you have a problem?
Like, I have a definite problem with the extended release.
It does not work on me whatsoever.
I have to go for instant release.
I are, baby, all the way.
Definitely.
Let's see.
I looked really fat on the live stream, which leads me into,
dude, I looked huge.
I was so concerned.
I was like, is this stream, is this screen stretching my gut?
Like, I look in the mirror and I'm like, all right, you're fat, but you're not that fat.
Like, when I look at myself on the screen, it was disturbing.
Ming, when the Rangers lost the other night, Ming posted a picture and I'm slumped in the chair.
And just the angle looked like my stomach was like seven times bigger than it actually is.
And I'm like, oh.
it is not an attractive look to be on camera when you're uh a weighty man
I don't know.
I've done it for years.
We haven't had in some time.
Walt, do you know who P.K.
Subbin or Suban is?
Suban.
Suban.
Former New Jersey devil.
He's a comment, not a commentator, but
he's a host on the
NHL telecasts.
So he was slammed for a fat phobic joke at Lizzo's expense, and it was said not acceptable.
Yeah, I've heard he's gotten some backlash.
He gotta backlash it.
Yeah, for saying they joke about the joke, Q
was they were chatting with other panelists about the Toronto Maple Leafs, and I guess somebody said hey how do you do you have any suggestions as how the
Maple Leafs could improve their performance against the Florida Panthers and they he said maybe they need to pack a Lizzo size lunch they weren't prepared in my opinion
now the joke I don't really understand
I don't really get the joke so it's no I think you're I think you got it wrong I don't have it wrong I'm reading it right now no no no I'm telling you because the first one was they need to somebody said something about packing a lunch.
Right.
And then Sue Ban tagged up with it.
Like, yeah, they probably need to pack a big lunch, maybe a Lizzo-size lunch.
Right, okay.
Yeah.
So, like, he was tagging up on a joke, not on a joke, but on a lunch comment.
That somebody
a Lizzo-size lunch.
Because it's going to need a bigger effort.
Of course, everybody's upset.
You know, everybody's mad that he drew attention to Lizzo's weight.
To which I say, one, the joke's not really funny.
So, like, I would apologize for the joke being unfunny.
But as far as apologizing for Lizzo being big,
like can we all stop pretending that being morbidly obese is healthy?
Can we just stop?
Well, I mean, I can we stop with the fucking bullshit.
Well, my thing is, like, she is, isn't she the first one to call herself like, like, celebrate fatness?
So it's like, like, I just saw a picture of her in a Met Gala dress eating fries and looking all powerful and stuff.
Like, what?
So I, like, are, isn't he just taking his cue?
I'm genuinely confused.
Like, isn't he just taking his cues from her?
She's saying, like, I'm fine.
I eat whatever I want.
And I'm beautiful.
So, like,
what's wrong with taking her
this kind of stuff?
But definitely it did.
That's usually the thing.
It never bothers the people who you think it's supposed to bother.
If people get offended on their behalf,
all the time.
All the time.
I know, but both you guys,
let's say you're going to go read some comments and all you guys saw were weight
comments.
Would you rather
I haven't read Twitch.
What is the fucking ugly shit about this?
You think you have as many as Lizzo gets?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know how many.
No, I mean, a lot of people support Lizzo.
Yeah, but you know that she's probably hammered a million times more than Brian Johnson does.
But she specifically writes.
I can't imagine why that it makes you guys feel good to hear those or read those or hear those comments from somebody on national TV.
But she writes songs.
She writes songs that are on national radio about how she's large and she's in charge and she's okay with that.
And she hates, she doesn't, she doesn't embrace the haters.
She is, you know, she is comfortable with who she is.
I'm not even a Lizzo hater.
I like Lizzo.
Yeah.
But, but, I mean, to say that she doesn't like that she's bigger than she should be.
But maybe
you don't need to say it, though.
I never did say it.
I know, but anybody, not you, but I'm just saying, but anybody who is saying it, maybe you got to rethink it and be like, do I need to say this?
Do I need to call this out?
Or do I need to add the possibility of making her or other people feel bad about them?
I don't say shit about Lizzo if I were him because she, like you say, she has way more people who love her than whoever this guy is, the sex devil.
So you're going to hear it.
If you make a comment, you're going to hear it.
You know?
And it's like, I think pointing out that Lizzo is probably
overweight is just like, obviously.
Fucking, obviously.
Anybody who looks at her and sees it, but if you're going to make fun of her for it, and maybe he wasn't.
Maybe he was just like, maybe he was just like, like he's a Lizzo fan, and he's like, she needs a Lizzo-sized lunch because she eats a lot.
Like, she says in her songs, like, she says at the Met Gala or whatever, which is the second fat news.
I kind of think he had that one in his pocket, much like you do.
Mary Ben Colts, don't say that, though.
Don't say that.
You know, that PK was had that one at the ready.
Yeah, it had a whole street.
Bam!
It's on his, it's on the poll points.
But the next one, and I was happy to see this.
your buddy Jamila Jamil.
Jamila.
Slams Met Gala's famous feminist for celebrating known bigot Carl Lagerfeld.
And this is why people don't trust liberals.
Because I guess Carl Lagerfeld was a big, like, anti-fat guy.
Like, he, he, he.
Well, he's an old, he's an old, he was an old school fashion guy, right?
Like, he was.
Right, yeah, he's an old school fashion guy.
Curves
don't have any business being in fashion, that kind of shit.
Sure.
So
all these fucking celebrities, the Met Gala is disgusting.
If you get invited to the mech gala and you go-queue, yeah, I'm gonna call you disgusting.
Well, I don't think there's any danger of either of those things happening, so I'm fine.
I'm fine with that, but like, is doesn't it just raise money, like, for
the museum?
Isn't that all it is?
It's all a bunch of celebrities who fucking go out of their way to dress like assholes.
So, Jamila is a rich person's thing, it's a rich fucking we're better than everybody else kind of thing, and it's fucking corny, and they all kiss each other's asses and this Carl Lagerfeld who doesn't like fat people so she's she's calling out people the hypocrisy of everybody showing up for
all these people that are like well we're woke and all this other bullshit any other time but since they get to go to the Met Gala regardless of who suddenly they're willing to try Hitler next year see if everybody goes then you know what that's pretty astute of Jamila and now you know I like her she's a friend
I really really do like her a lot
but like that's actually putting herself out there a little bit.
Like, she put all of those people on
blast, as they say.
Like, that's...
I mean, she's sticking to her guns, man.
She's Scott Walls.
I like her.
She's fucking.
I'm telling you, man, if you ever met her, dude, you'd love her.
She's just the, she's awesome.
She is.
But that's.
Carl Lagerfeld said in 2009, nobody wants to see
no one wants to see curvy women.
Then Jamila said, last night Hollywood and Fashion said the quiet part out loud when a lot of famous feminists chose to celebrate at the highest level a man who was so publicly cruel to women, to fat people, to immigrants, and sexual assault survivors.
She wrote, All the women's publications and spectators online chose to gleefully ignore it.
Is he still alive?
I don't think he's dead now.
I'm pretty sure he's alive.
He's had no chance to.
Yeah.
She did.
She took aim at everybody that was there.
That's pretty ballsy for a fucking someone who's working in the industry.
Good for her.
I wouldn't do it.
They're all a bunch of pussies, man.
They all want to keep quiet to fucking protect themselves, but not Jamila.
Yeah, it's good.
I like that.
I like her.
Yeah, she's
sticking to her guns.
I mean, you know, it's great.
Good for her.
That being said, I'll tell you right now, if I get invited to go to the Met Gala, I'd probably go.
You would probably go?
I'd probably go.
I don't know if I.
Would it depend on who they were celebrating?
Well, it would depend on who they're celebrating.
But like, you know, obviously, if it's the Hitler Met Gala, I'd be like, look, man, maybe hit me next year on this one.
But
what if it was Jared from Subway?
Yeah, I'd probably take a pass on the Jared one too.
Yeah.
I thought they had to celebrate artists.
Is it just artists?
He's a sandwich artist.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Yeah.
Oh, is the theme always a person?
Or I thought it's like criminal.
Like the theme's always a person, or is it sometimes like spring in New York and everybody dresses in flowers, like Oville and shit like that?
I don't know.
I'm not really even sure.
But I would go.
All I know is once a year you see the coverage of this fucking bullshit and it makes you nauseous.
And what do the tickets cost?
They're expensive.
They're really expensive.
And last year, AOC, the socialist, fucking begged to get in so she could wear her fucking stupid tax the rich dress.
Well, I didn't pay for the tickets.
Someone donated them to me.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So anyway, Jamila Jamil, good on you.
Good on you.
One more spot from another ant.
Nice.
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Freight, yeah.
I've been,
you ever fall down like a rabbit hole of like YouTube videos?
Sure.
I fell into a rabbit hole of people buying like the cheapest electric car on alibaba and then having it shipped to the united states and yeah depending on the freight company it can be like they come in and they're just destroyed but then other times they come in they're beautifully packed and everything and it's i feel like that's how tiger would do it yeah you know
um for anybody asking if walt is still saying he feels bad for patrick mahomes walt texted me the other day and said no he does not jackson mahomes jackson mahomes sorry uh
in fact it was a i wish i was recording it because Walt's like, you were right.
Oh, yeah.
This is about the touchdown dances.
What was this again?
Yeah,
he's Patrick Mahomes' brother.
What team is he on?
Oh, yes.
Kansas City Chiefs.
Kansas City Chiefs.
And he was the one that was always dancing and acting corny and shit, and I didn't like him.
And then we found out that he forcibly kissed a woman, and he has been arrested for it.
Holy shit.
He had a $100,000 bond after he appeared briefly in court.
I mean, how lucky is he to have a brother that's that famous and rich that that like a $100,000 bond is not a big deal?
Yeah, he's pretty lucky.
I'm sure his brother would put up the necessary cash to get him out.
Sure.
But
is this an offense that he could do any real jail time?
I would not imagine.
I don't know.
Well, he was charged with three counts of aggravated sexual battery along with a misdemeanor battery.
I thought it was a kissing.
I know it just, but it's, but like, he forcibly kissed somebody in a business.
He was accused of sexually and physically assaulting a 40-year-old woman who owns the Aspens Restaurant and Lounge in Overland Park, Kansas.
Look, if he does jail time, I mean, I don't care, but I'm like, I wonder if he will do jail time, though.
I would be really surprised.
Yeah, very surprised if there wasn't some kind of intervention or mediation or whatever or payoff, you know, something along those lines.
And isn't a $100,000 bond, like only $10,000?
10%.
Yeah, I think that's it.
And otherwise, oh, maybe, I wonder if Dog wrote the bond for him.
The video shows him grabbing her face and kissing her while she's standing near a desk, and she can be seen wiping her mouth as he grabs her again multiple times near her throat.
And then his next court date is set for May 11th.
He's not allowed to consume alcohol or use firearms, illegal drugs, or controlled substances.
It will be subject to drug testing.
I don't know what that is.
Wow, I think we have an answer to a question we asked on this show.
God, maybe five years ago, which is like, is there any room for the kissing bandit in today's society?
Oh, and I think that answers
the kissing bandit are long over.
Yeah, the kissing bandit's
out, right?
Like, that's done.
I remember at the time we were like, ah, man, like, in the, it's kind of like fun and cute, but
we're learning it's not.
Yeah.
Not at all.
No, nobody likes it.
Nobody's going to jump.
If some girl ran up and kissed me on the cheek and ran off, I want to be upset by it.
Well, here's the thing.
What if she looked like Lizzo?
I still want to be upset by it.
And this is like my thing.
It's just like, it's, it's, I want, because, like, I have been
kissed against my will many times.
People run up to me in public and grab me and kiss me.
My balls have been grabbed.
I don't have to the office anymore.
My ass has been grabbed.
Like, I, I, I'm learning that by the modern definition of what sexual assault is.
Like, I have been sexually assaulted
dozens of times, Dozens upon dozens of, like, dozens of times.
Yeah.
That's interesting.
That's an interesting way.
That's an interesting way to look at it.
Just in case anybody's thinking it, I'm not comparing a fake kissing bandit with what Jackson Mahomes did.
Yeah.
No, no, that was a conversation we ran by and kissed me on the cheek.
Yeah.
You're thinking of like what's his name on the one he did the love boat.
And he was the kissing boat.
Carmine Carmine
Lagusa.
Oh, Carmine Ragusa?
Ragusa.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, he played the kissing band on a love book.
And every woman on the ship was just dying to get kissed.
Oh, really?
It was Mrs.
Hathaway from
Mrs.
Hathaway from Beverly Hillbillies.
And she's like, ooh, if he tries it on me, I'm going to give him some kung fu moves.
And then he hits her, and she's like, oh, swooping.
Yeah, that's it.
You know, we had Billy Crystal.
Not the way it is.
Oh, yeah, it was Billy Crystal.
It was Billy Crystal.
Maybe girls that would enjoy.
Because there are definitely women out there that would enjoy the kissing band.
Maybe girls like that would be into, like, not the Mahones grabbing and fucking clawing at the neck, but like
shooting all over your mouth.
Yeah, like a classic, like, like, you know, domino mask-wearing kissing bandit who comes out and smooches your cheek.
Like, maybe wear a button with, like, a little, like, lipstick on it.
You know what I mean?
Like, something on your.
Like, when you go to haunted houses, and like, if you wear the red, uh, the red necklace, their monsters are allowed to grab you, but if you're not, they have to be handsome.
Right.
Like, maybe, like, there's a way to do the kissing bandit
with
consent
somebody's always going to cross that line yeah you can't trust anybody that wants to be the kissing bandit anybody who's wearing a mask is wearing it for a reason
you know
so they can cross the line yeah that's all they care about crossing the line and and in the day and age of of uh you know um
expressive consent and COVID and diseases, I guess really, the days of the kissing bandit are just in the past.
Good.
Well, he's not, he's not the
He's not the fun rap scallion that maybe he was once posited as.
Yeah.
He's really just a
rapist light kind of guy.
But I wonder what my reaction would be if I'm walking down the street and let's say
a super attractive girl with a with a mask on is like, I'm the new kissing bandit, and comes up and like plants one on my cheek and then runs off.
I don't know that I would be upset by that.
I would be like, well, I don't know.
Kissing bandits pretty hot.
You know, it seems like it's just a story to tell later on.
Because I think in like the, if you watch the video from the Jackson Mahomes thing, and I'm sure God knows how many other incidences where it's like,
that's best case scenario.
Hot girl comes up, kisses you on the cheek, and runs away.
Like this woman was being forced to kiss.
Like he had her by the neck and shit, you know?
That's a kissing criminal.
I can only imagine that happens with other people as well.
So I think the romanticizing of the kissing bandit, you know, those days are over.
I mean, just recently
at an event that we were doing, like, some girl tapped me on the sh you know, you do that thing where you put your face near someone and you tap the shoulder and they'd look and they kiss you?
Right, right.
So yeah.
Some woman just did that to me.
Like within the last month.
So I've I've been kissing bandited.
Damn.
What was your reaction, though?
How do you play that off?
Well, my always thing is like,
I'm like, I made a comment about COVID and stuff like that, but like, I always don't want anybody to feel bad.
So I'm like, oh, I was like, now I got your COVID and stuff like that.
I wasn't like, what are you doing?
How do you dare to do this to me?
I just fuck around.
Like, you know, but
like, man, I'm really learning on this episode that maybe I need therapy.
I've been.
You might.
Yeah, I've been really hitting.
You got to work through this shit.
But it doesn't, you don't get, you don't get all blushing and everything.
No, I get internally, I get annoyed.
I get really annoyed.
I'm like, I don't want you fucking lips on me, dude.
Like, what is this?
But, you know.
I was at a con once in New Jersey, and some girl bit Norman Ritas.
Like, he showed me later on, he had like teeth marks on his shoulder because she's like, I'm a zombie.
And she bit him, and he was pissed.
He was not happy about it.
Oh, that sucks.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's a little different.
That's how the actual apocalypse starts.
I mean, I've been hurt by people.
People have jumped on me.
People have tried to lift me up.
So, yeah,
it's not fun when people cross the line.
But what are you going to do?
The fuck are you going to do?
Whine about it?
Nothing you can do.
What am I going to do?
I'll write a book about it.
Tase them, which is coming, right?
You got to write a book, Q.
All the dirt on Murray and Sal.
Yeah, the dirt on those two boring guys.
No, no, uh, no, I think if I ever wrote a book about like what went, like, like
my experiences, it would just
probably ruin the show for a lot of people.
So, it's best not to do that.
That's what we aim to do on Tales Behind the Fake Counter.
Yeah, we pull the curtain so far back, people are
well.
I wouldn't, you know, what when I said you're a book, I did not, I mean, yeah, there'd be a chapter or two devoted to the Jokers and you know, the ride that that you know you're on with that, but
I would go from small boy till
maybe you write it in your 60s.
That's a very interesting tale with
a lot of interesting stories to be told, right?
I guess.
Yeah, maybe.
I think so.
There's been, you know, I've had an unusual path, but I, you know, I mean, Especially when nobody even remembers me or gives a fuck who I am.
I don't think people are going to be like, I got to get this book.
15 years from now, I don't know.
Yeah.
I mean, who knows, though?
BQ star might keep rising.
Q, I'm going to tell you a story.
I had to go to a convention with one of my ex-girlfriends.
It was a Hercules and Xena con.
And there was this kind of no-name actor there at the time.
He was talking about a book he just wrote.
No, it was actually Bruce Campbell.
Really?
Yeah.
And he was there talking about his new book, and it was really interesting.
He read some excerpts from it.
It was great.
You know, he's gone on to lots of better things.
He was Bruce Campbell before Herculoids and Xena.
But he was a big-time actor before that show.
Yeah, but I would tell you, of all the people there, there were only two people there who were like Evil Dead fans, and the rest of them were all Atolycus fans.
I'm telling you.
Yeah, I think that,
dude, you got so, you got fucking,
you dwarf anybody I know like
stories and
like really like
yeah but the good stories you can't you know you can't even tell
at 60 maybe at 60 maybe at 60 and and they're not like almost none of them are sexual it's just how fucking weird things are like if you scratch the surface of anything um i mean it depending how how i mean how
like if you tell your true life story i mean it's got to be sexual
you can't you can't it's fucking
i'm not that guy like who am i gonna write about?
Women that I've...
I wouldn't do that without them.
You give them fake names.
You give them fake names, so nobody knows who they are.
I don't think anybody cares.
I appreciate that.
If you want salacious selves.
I don't really.
Make it hay press, baby.
It would be our first novel.
No, man.
All the later chapters in my book would be about just fucking feeding squirrels and shit like that.
Nobody's going to care.
Yeah, the later chapters will not have as much action in them, that's for sure.
But that's
identifiable, though.
Most people, you know, as they grow older, the wild times, you know, kind of, you know, are few and far between.
But
damn, though.
Yeah, I think you'd be, I think you'd have a New York Times bestseller on your hands.
Just like Bruce Carroll.
All right.
Well,
you know, I'm 47 now, so I'll keep it.
I'll think about it for the next 18 years.
We'll see what happens when I get to 65.
Oh, now you're 65?
What else do we got here?
I have so many, like, that's why this, I think this show seems kind of chaotic, because I have a lot of notes.
Right.
But, like, look at all this shit.
But a lot of notes.
Yeah.
Just keep going.
I thought that was the manuscript for Q's books.
I have a lot of notes and they're not in order, so I'm just kind of jumping around.
Jumping all over.
Like the first note, I noticed I do something with my mouth when I'm not talking.
Like I'm doing that old man chewing shit.
I saw it on the live stream and then I saw it on the unboxing video where you're like, you know, like old guys chew on nothing?
Yeah, they do that.
And I don't know if it's like because my mouth is dry or I'm
about to talk
or something, but I'm sitting there like a fucking old fart.
Like chewing on my fucking tongue and lips.
How do you stop that?
I don't know.
You have to be so conscious of it.
And I'm like, do I look like some fucking old goat grazing and shit like on the live stream?
Everybody feels sorry for me.
I said, that's why I'm not.
Pitting you on.
That's like, we need tits.
I'm showing like an old geezer.
I'm like,
Shane, we want no live stream.
Look over here.
Look over here at those tits.
We need tits.
Tits sell.
You're right.
Salacious sells.
Well, it's good for Q, it's good for us.
Yeah.
So, yeah, I caught myself chewing.
So I'm going to have to be mindful of that from now on.
Um, let's see, what else do I got?
Mary Beth applied to that portrait place, and she didn't get hired.
I'm really.
She wants a job there?
She wanted one at the time, like when she first moved here, she applied there for a job.
She wants to fucking take people like you got, you guys got taken,
dude.
The more I looked into it and the more like I talked to Helen and I saw people online, and it's just like, I look back and I'm like, I was so mad today, so angry at myself for not, for just trusting it and being like, oh, this is what it's going to be instead of finding out 100%.
Yeah, I texted you that night when I got home.
I went to the website and I did research and
nowhere on the website do they say anything but they're just photos on canvas.
Like they didn't even try and hide it.
There's no doubt I'm the asshole.
I'm the biggest asshole in this.
No, you true.
To his credit, though, it did say
it did say hand finished.
So that kind of gives the impression that something's being done by hand.
Cinching, I guess.
I don't know.
I think, you know, you trusted your wife, man.
You made a mistake that many, many men have made.
They trusted their wives.
Now, look, because the knife's back,
she knows what to do.
Now I got to question every single thing she does.
Has Deb ever led you astray, Walt, like me?
There's no chance on the planet that she would ever, you know,
actually go sit down.
Go down for a fucking oil-painted portrait, you know.
And then when she heard that price tag,
there would even be less of a chance that she'd ever
do it.
But where is she when I needed her?
I mean, I mean, there is something to be said for, you know, who should you trust?
Me, myself, and I, you know, if you follow that.
If you
follow that, I can't trust myself.
No, that's our decision.
I know.
That's why I don't know if it adheres to you.
I really don't know if you should take that tact of trusting you yourself.
Who do I trust?
I I trust Q a lot.
Yeah.
I Q a lot for a guy.
Why don't you just text him every single day, no matter how inane,
no matter how
harmless a decision you have to make, be like, Q, wait, I'm thinking about this.
What do you think?
What do you think?
Yeah, I'd be like, well, don't swerve towards oncoming traffic.
Like, maybe we could just print that out and put it on your steering wheel or something like that and just keep that one.
It was just in the moment.
I was like, this will be kind of funny.
People have done that to me.
I remember I was on the Seabright Strip and a fucking rig did it to me, like a Mac truck.
And I could see the guys in the cab laughing.
Because at first, I was like, what the fuck?
And then they pull away.
And that's with a rig.
I was in a fucking Subaru outback.
Yeah, it wasn't even.
Those guys are fucking assholes.
They are.
Yeah.
Idiots.
Could have killed me.
Yeah, but you see my point here.
I'm starting to see your point.
I think, though, that maybe a little bit more,
I don't know if investigation is even the proper word.
It sounds way too laborous, but like just a little bit more information, if you're willing to ask and pay attention to it, would have avoided that, though.
I feel like you just got it.
Yeah, I feel like you just went along with it.
I did.
She wanted to do it.
I didn't want to do it, and I went along with it like a sap.
Right.
Like a sap sucker, like a sucker of sap.
I mean, that's not really being a sap.
It's just.
But if she, but she.
What's your chalk on your shoulder,
he's an A1 mock.
She maintains she told you everything, though, and you just weren't paying attention, though.
I sat right there.
I sat right there in the room.
All I could think of was like, My God, I look so fat.
Why do I need to get a picture taken of me now?
She doesn't have enough fucking pictures from the engagement, from the wedding, from every fucking time she gets her phone out.
You don't have enough pictures?
Well, dude, we need this one too.
Dude, in her defense.
Yeah.
She's got a lot of life left after you go.
And she's going to need.
it.
When she remarries, there's no fucking way that portrait's going to be allowed to hang up.
No.
She's probably going to throw it in my fireplace.
Let's stop the fire with this.
Yeah.
There's an aunt.
This will make nice kindling.
Let's suck my dick.
There's an aunt that's going to pay her for that painting
post-demise of Brian Johnson.
Some aunt, some listener listener is going to own that painting when she finally sells it.
Should I sign it?
Yeah.
Before I die?
Let me ask you something.
If I offered you $1,000 for it right now, would you sell it and cut into those losses?
Hmm.
She would have gotta go $2,000.
I think you got to go at least three.
No.
If you're going to resell it, if you're going to resell it upon my desk,
I'm just saying you're in a situation.
I'm willing to help out.
That's the way rich guys operate.
So he wants to take advantage of this.
I'll take a position.
You know what?
I'll give you three for it right now.
Yeah?
I'll give you three for it right now.
Soul to the man in the shared universe hat.
No matter what I do with it, once I come in possession with it, I can't bitch about it.
I won't.
All I could think of, like, how can we exploit this for Patriot?
How can we get an exploit of merchandise?
I'm thinking of anything.
Maybe you should reach out to Jimmy the portrait guy.
Jimmy the Portrait guy.
I like that Walt didn't even start at like 1500.
He just jumped to 3,000.
He wasn't like 2,000, 2,000.
Also, you know Brittany and Abby, do you remember them?
The two-headed gal?
Yes, of course.
They got married.
Hey, that's awesome.
To one man or two men?
To one man.
Okay.
All right.
That would be, that makes way more sense.
Did they both get married to one man?
Yes, they did.
Oh, I'm so happy for them, man.
Like, that's, that's, I'm sure that, like, at times they thought that was unlikely, that that would ever happen.
So that's
impossible.
Yeah.
Isn't that bigamy?
Technically.
There's like the
some of these laws that are on the books never get
never get enforced.
Can you imagine doing that?
Here they are with the guy.
Now, I don't know if you can see it.
Okay.
That looks like a nice dude.
But don't you think, like,
even more than the girls, I want to know his story.
I want to know a guy who, like, I get it if you marry, like, you're a regular-sized person, you marry a little person.
I get you, if you fucking have two arms, you marry a girl with one heads.
You can't help who you love.
Like, marrying a girl with two heads, that takes a certain type of guy who can look past that.
Well, because
it's oral and the other isn't.
Yeah, that's what I mean.
You're marrying two.
She's just as well
inches away from it.
Yeah, but like, that's it.
Like, okay, that one isn't, but that one is, so no problem.
But if they both are, how fucking awesome is that?
Right.
If they're like, he's got some fucking
kink, some kink.
He has to have some kink to go for that, right?
It's just not.
Or
they're beautiful people.
I like them.
Yeah.
I like them.
I mean, not enough to marry them.
Well, there's hope for Gethem.
Maybe we'll see Gethem get married one day.
Again.
I think the girls have a better chance.
Sorry.
But can you imagine, though, Q, like we're just thinking of the upside, but can you imagine
you know, double-barreled shotgun of nagging, though?
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I hadn't even considered that.
Teaming up.
Teaming up on that poor guy.
They're both like, you had that joke in your pocket.
No, it's two against one.
I've got no chance.
Oh, and like, because they have, like, I don't know what their exact physical situation is, but like, I imagine one could talk while the other breathes in.
So it's like, it'll never stop.
Like, there's not even a break for breathing if they're pissed.
Like, it's just like, just screaming at you, like, Zafo people brocks.
Yeah, it's like crazy, man.
I saw them in their wedding dress and everything.
Do you think that
they, that, like, when they had to do tests, do you think one of them
like a driving test?
Like to have studying-wise.
Do you think one just like like doesn't like really can be like, well, you got this.
You're better at tests than I am.
Right.
Like, I wonder how
the advantages.
Well, they only have two arms.
I think they can control.
And who gets to control the arm?
I think they each control one arm.
Oh, that's cool.
So they both got to be.
Like, one can't take a nap while the other one's driving.
I think that they can do.
Because they're separate brains.
Separate heads.
Right.
Yeah.
So.
How they don't.
Do they have a show?
They have to have a show.
I think they're cheese.
But did they.
So one would control the feet too?
One side?
I would guess so as well, yeah.
Boy, yeah, that'd be fascinating because like the teamwork that would need it to be and the
in syncness that has to happen.
They're teachers, correct?
I believe so, yeah.
Yeah.
Teachers.
So they would have had to pass all those tests, all those tests to get to be a teacher.
Go to a professor like Frank Five.
If, well,
you're involved in some kind of auto accident, right?
With a friend or somebody is in the car with you.
Get him.
You're doing a Rosie Greer thing with two heads.
Somebody has to get sewn on to your shoulder.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who do you choose?
Yeah, who do you choose?
They can pick anybody.
You can pick one of your kids, your wife, get them, anybody.
I'll be in your ball for a while.
You know what?
I really, like, I've said it in the past.
Like, I don't know if there's anybody more solid with his wisdom and his
zen-ness than Q.
Not even me.
No, not even close.
No, that would be.
I would just feel like.
You got him in the accident.
I would apply for a gun license because I'm shooting that head off.
Get out of here.
One of the heads is leaving.
Either be it me or you.
I have control of the arms.
You only have control of the toes.
I'm taking Q.
You're taking Q?
No, Q.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're okay with me.
Now remember, Q.
Is it the only way?
You have a life that's worth writing a book about.
You're now on the shoulders of the world's most boring man.
Well, no, he's on my shoulders.
He's on my shoulders.
Like, look.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you're on Q's shoulders?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
If I'm on Q shoulders, yeah, then I still believe.
I've never come across a more solid, like, fucking rock-solid dude.
Thanks, man.
That would be tough.
Yeah, because you won't let the man eat a sandwich.
You won't let him eat any seafood.
Maybe if I didn't know I had to go on his body.
How do you make love?
Yeah.
Well, if I'm in his body,
then it's fucking,
you know.
Do you stay married?
Because suddenly Q's in on it.
Yeah, I can't get divorced.
Look,
I'm not going to change my lifestyle just because I have Q's head on my shoulder.
It's like, you know, I'm still going to do the same things I do.
I'm just going to hang out in the office seven hours a day by myself.
I want to party.
I want to get in fuck.
Do your daughters not believe that you know Q.
And I'm drinking beers while he's sleeping.
He wakes up in the morning.
That's a good point.
Yeah, would his daughters actually believe he's Q's friend if he's on his shoulders?
I would just hood him like a hawk.
Time for sleep, Q.
You don't need no more beer.
You've had enough.
We've had enough, beer.
Yeah, because everything he does is going to affect you.
You would make him change his lifestyle.
Like one hand is swatting the beer away constantly.
No, Q.
No.
Hey, man, you just let me look at the squirrels, you you know?
Let me look at the squirrels.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll be all right.
Yep, we're gonna have to throw that volcano out, too.
Well, maybe they could put my head, they could put my head, like think about this, backwards instead of front-facing, so I could always watch your back, and we could both have some sort of privacy.
That's true.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I would respectfully keep my backside covered up at all times.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Now you're just pulling it out through the zipper to get your business done.
No, no.
My backside.
Like, I'll keep, you know, covered with like a towel.
Like, if I happen to be, you know, in the shower, I'll just keep my backside covered with a towel.
I could just look up.
Or you could just put my hood on when you got to shower
or go to the bathroom.
I've got to wash you.
I got to shampoo you.
Yeah, Q can't even shampoo his own hair.
You're right.
He wants you to look all greasy and everything.
Oh, man.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
So that's what's going on this week.
I apologize in advance for my frenetic delivery.
No.
I mean, you seem like you're in a good mood.
I'll give you that.
I like seeing that.
That's pretty decent.
Yeah, that's all right.
I just know you go to, you know,
severe, dark places.
And I'm not, and now I'm out of town the next 10 days, so I'm worried about you.
10 days?
Yeah, I'm a gone.
I'm a goner.
I might have to fly to meet you somewhere.
Yeah, okay.
I think that's a good idea.
I do.
I think that's a good idea.
I think you should do that.
Is it business or pleasure?
He's on tour.
Yeah.
So
it's business.
It's business, Walt.
Yeah.
Any time while you're out there to enjoy some of the sites wherever towns you're in?
Yeah, you know, here and there, sure.
You know, I'll be seeing some people.
It'll be all right.
I'm not complaining.
I'm just, I'm worried about, I'm just worried about, you know, Brian.
I'm going to have to, you know, this FaceTime, Brian.
You can FaceTime me.
That's true.
Yeah.
Like anything.
Q is very generous.
I was at the Framers getting that portrait framed, another $200.
Yeah.
And
his daughter was there.
She's super into the Jokers.
So I FaceTime with Q and he said hello to her.
And they were very, very appreciative.
Oh, good.
And very appreciate it.
And did you dad bring down the price of the frame?
He gave me 10% off anyway because, you know, I go there all the time.
And then he tried, he was like, oh, you know what?
That was so nice of you.
Let me give you 20% off.
And I said, don't worry about it.
Because then he would have to back out the transaction and all this other shit.
I was like, don't worry about it.
Oh, wow.
Just a favor.
Just a favor.
He's a great person.
Although Q did demand that he give me 20%.
I did.
I was like, give him 20% off.
I'm like, this is worth money what he's doing right now.
So, and also, like I said, tomorrow night, Tommy Lincoln's coming over for Cinco de Mayo.
They're all going to drink Sangri and shit.
Nice.
Who's they?
Tommy Lincoln and his two assistants and Mary Beth.
What's he coming down for?
I think he's, I don't know why he's coming down.
He's coming down for, I think maybe something with Kevin.
I'm not positive, but he's going to come over to the house.
He's going to make some, he makes great tacos.
Nice.
And he's going to make some tacos.
And we may live stream
sometime tomorrow evening.
I don't know.
When is this episode going out?
This won't go out till Monday.
Oh, yeah.
Why the fuck am I even talking about it?
It doesn't come out till Monday.
Oh, all right.
Because I was about to plug my shows this weekend, but I guess if this comes out Monday, then you can do it next week.
I forget.
Just go to Practical Jokers Live or
PracticalJokersLive.com.
I don't know if you heard Gatto came out on stage.
Did you hear about that?
I saw him in Boston.
Yeah, yeah.
Fucking reception.
Nuts, man.
He He came to the show.
We were hanging out backstage.
It was fucking awesome.
It was like old times.
And
he came out at the end of the show for a bit.
And
I had never fucking felt energy like that, man.
It was like
the roof was tearing off the place.
It was fucking cool, man.
It was good to see.
So you never know.
Who's going to be?
Well, if I meet you out there, maybe bring me out on stage.
It'll be the same experience.
Hell yeah, it will be.
It fucking will be, man.
There's always a lot of Telm Steve Dave shirts in the audience and four colored shirts.
I always see a lot of tell him steve dave shirts and now that i'm on the bruce campbell episode for a millisecond yeah boom oh right yeah man did you did you did you watch did you get to watch it finally i did yeah i saw it okay great right came out yeah it's great it's really cool how awesome was bruce and did you see the new evil then
i did remember we talked about it i was like i didn't care for it it reminded me of wreck oh man then i told you i'd give it another chance i went to go see it a second time and i love that movie so much oh yeah all right i'll have to watch it again yeah i just lose my my mind over it.
It's so fucking good.
I like the main lady, she's like amazing,
unique looking, yeah, and she's fucking great.
When she's the demon, you're just like, she's fucking unbeatable.
She's awesome.
Yeah.
And even the girl, the lead girl, who, you know, the final girl, like, thought she just fucking killed him.
I don't know.
I'm in love with that movie.
I think it's so good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm going to rewatch.
Yeah.
All right, Walt.
Anything else?
Is that it?
Tell him, Steve Dave.
All right.
All right.
