#524: Cletus’ World

He does have a memory for grievances.

This is my file.

Not to be a pussy, but I was like.

Find of being a pussy is a pussy.

Sorry, fine.

To be a pussy.

You want some sweet tea, please?

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

This is fucking bullshit.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave.

I'm here with BQ.

Hello.

Here with Walt.

Hello.

And special guest, Frank Five.

Hello.

People love you.

Hey, Frank.

Hey, how's it going?

Can Frank Five?

What does Frank Five need to do to usurp Sunday Jeff as the favorite resident?

It'll never happen.

Do you think he can do it?

Is he too weird?

It's not a competition.

No?

Yeah,

it's not a popularity poll.

That's like hot shit.

Sure, it is.

I came in like eighth.

I would argue that Sunday Jeff is the single most popular resident out of anybody.

I mean, how do you take that down?

You know what?

Just give him more airtime on the mic because he has such a limited amount of airtime.

He has never

been able to say something that's going to offend somebody.

Easy to love on Sunday Jeff.

So, we didn't have to.

The camera is bouncing a lot.

Do you see that on your end?

No.

Like, when you guys move, like, my whole screen shakes.

Okay, so

if we must be touching the table a lot, and you're not touching the table, because you're stationary, like.

Yeah, I

yeah, I don't know what's going on, but it's.

We'll try not to touch the table.

All right.

He was like, I can't work under these conditions.

This is fucking bullshit.

professional.

We didn't have a show last week.

That was my fault.

I have to take responsibility.

I went out to Ohio.

Who doesn't love going to Ohio?

Almost everyone.

Nobody knows.

I like Ohio.

Do you?

What are you playing there?

Yeah, every time we go there on to know, we're not.

We might be.

I don't know.

But every time we've gone, like, I've had a good time in Ohio.

Yeah, this is what we're talking about casinos there.

Well, like, you go to Ohio, you get worshiped like a god.

I go to Ohio, I got to move furniture for two straight days, sweating like a fucking pig.

Yeah, that's under those conditions.

I wouldn't go to Ohio.

But I wouldn't go anywhere under those conditions.

I'm soft, man.

Oh, dude, you don't want to know.

Like, I revisited my soft side.

It was,

first it was blazing.

It was like, it was hot here, too, right?

Like, 100 degrees every day, I heard.

Easily, yeah.

Yeah.

It was insane.

It was a good 90 there, and we, um, Mary Beth and I went out to.

Here's the plan.

Here's, in my mind, here's the plan.

Tuesday we leave.

Wednesday we get there to her parents' house where she has the couches and a couple of other things that she needs to get.

And you need them for your new for this new house, yeah, so we don't have to buy a whole bunch of furniture.

Her her parents have nice stuff.

And

then after that, after we load up that stuff, the plan is to go to her grandfather's, who just died and he uh he had a lot he had like really nice stuff so we're gonna get some shit from there can i can you just ask a question because it sounds like you're you didn't have a great time right did the possibility

or was it ever bandied about that like why don't we just hire a moving company well we did hire a pod like like or we bought like rented one of those pods that you put shit in yeah it's still that yeah there's no nobody gonna come out of that pod and move the furniture into it though.

No.

It's not like around here where you can run down to Wawa and there's a bunch of guys that are like, hey, senor, can we help you out?

There's just nobody there.

It's like this small fucking hick town.

So then my plan was, okay, so we'll load up the shit on Wednesday from her parents' house.

Thursday we'll go to her grandfather's house, load that shit into the pod, which was supposed to be there that day.

And then Friday we'll take off.

We'll get back to the back of the back.

Where's the pod?

It takes a while to get it going, so we'll just go to the new place.

place.

But you don't have to bring the pod there.

No, we don't have to bring the pod there.

So instead, what happened

was

got there and moved a bunch of shit the first day.

And by like seven o'clock at night, I was like, this is not going to go according to how I planned, like, even close.

Because we don't have all the stuff together.

Like, she was like, she had to go into the attic and get all her childhood shit down and go through it.

Remember, I brought this up as an example because this drove me fucking crazy crazy at the time.

I think I can say it now.

But you remember when Kevin lived in Montclair and me and you went and helped him move?

Oh,

gosh.

It was probably like late to 95.

I have such vague memories of this, no, but it refreshed me.

We got there and we're like, we're ready to move some boxes and shit.

And we get there and he hadn't packed a goddamn thing.

There was nothing packed.

Remember, I remember he sat there on the floor with like a, with like a karate kid headband on, just putting stuff into boxes as me and you were trying to carry shit out.

And it took all fucking day.

And then when we got to his place in

Red Bank, we unloaded all this stuff and he got into a fight with Kristen, who was his girlfriend then, and like retires to his room.

And he didn't fucking come out last night.

So you know,

I guess we'll leave.

Like, it was awful.

But so we load up the stuff the first day,

and then the second day we finished up, and the second day I saw something that, like, her aunt lives at her parents' house right now.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm sorry to just jump back to that story.

He disappeared to his room.

And I remember, because this is around the time I came into your, this is when I met you guys, mid-90s, was that era?

And I remember complaint grumbling about this.

I didn't know you guys that well, so I couldn't really like, but I guess I just want to ask you guys the question that I guess I wanted to ask you then which is like if he disappeared in his room like why did you keep going like why wouldn't you just be like

oh you were done oh I thought you guys were still moving boxes and Kevin was in

his room like we had writing his diary or something I was hoping for some pizza or something maybe

anything an acknowledgement of my humanity

I think Kevin would I think Kevin would

If he was made aware of this lingering wound, would send over some pizzas.

You think he sends some to Tuz Deten?

Oh, I think Kevin absolutely would.

I think he'd send them over to Airport Plaza.

Maybe we even would interest, maybe with some pepperoni on it, you know?

Some toppings?

Yeah, yeah.

That would be worth the wait.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Only 30 years in the making.

Well, that's the beautiful thing about long friendships.

Like, there's always time to make up for past

insults.

Should I be concerned, Q, that like Brian's memory for certain things is astonishing.

I have almost no recollection of this.

Is that more a problem with me, or is he just exceptionally gifted in terms of remembering?

He does have a memory for grievances.

This is my file.

Oh,

things went great.

He got pizza, and maybe he got

a little envelope with a couple bucks in it.

It never comes up again.

I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about.

Not at all.

Every snub is filed away.

But I'm a little worried because I'm like, I don't remember this.

Are you sure I was there?

Positive.

Okay.

Positive you were there.

Because I don't recall any of this.

Okay.

So

if you, you know, you have a decent-sized backyard.

Yeah, I'd say so.

We played the backyard picnic Olympics in one year, yeah.

So big enough for that.

Big enough to play a game of wiffle ball.

Big enough for, um, have you ever seen any groundhogs back there?

Oh, my God.

The wildlife that's back there, I feel like I'm on natural of Omaha's Wild Kingdom at times.

You tell me you don't have a memory, that's a fucking great fall.

Mutual of Omaha's

Wild Kingdom.

Yeah, when I say natural Omaha,

yeah, but there's so much wildlife in the, in the, in our area

of New Jersey, it's yeah, it's both concerning and

interesting, though.

We're all getting pushed out because there's so much construction going on around here.

But if you see a groundhog in the backyard, what do your two dogs do?

Like what would Cooper do?

What would Sox do?

If they see a groundhog?

I think they would try to chase it, and I think they might even kill it if they got close enough to it.

They would.

Yeah, I think it's just instinctive in certain dog breeds, you know, that they'll...

They don't know why.

I mean, I still think that they would do it.

They would think they were playing because they're so, you know, they're so cute and lovable, but they wouldn't realize.

They just did the natural dog instincts would take over.

I think they would, yeah.

Because they've killed birds.

You know, they've caught a bird and killed it, yeah.

Because I witnessed it.

Well, a part of it.

The aunt who lives at her parents' house now has two dogs.

And one of them is like scared of everything.

I think he might have been abused when he was little because he's like terrified of guys, afraid of most people.

he's hiding under the bed but this other dog dante

was right he wasn't even supposed to be here today

we will never to if we're 90 we're always gonna do that at these mentions

we're just so indoctrinated it's like you i i think of nothing else when i hear these things like it's instant it's like we're just we're in a cult yeah it's not possible to think of anything else if you see the number 37, hear the number 37, it's just like that's where your mind goes.

Or even Dante, the word Dante, Yaters.

Yeah, yeah.

There's no other Dante.

But so the dog, like we're putting shit into the truck.

It's fucking broiling.

The dog, Dante, goes around the corner, and I don't want to be responsible for anybody's animals getting away.

I don't want to have to tell the ant, like, oh.

We lost your dog.

I don't know where he is.

But instead, I go around the corner, and the dog is tearing apart this fucking groundhog.

And I'm like, Dante, Dante.

Like, because I've never seen an animal get torn apart live like that before.

The thing's screeching.

He's fighting back, you know?

It's a whole fucking thing, battle to the death.

And I don't know what to do because the dog's not listening to me.

So, like, an old woman, like, I see a hose right there.

So, I turn the hose on and I start spraying them with water.

Didn't do a goddamn thing.

They did.

The dog did not care.

And so now it's getting, like, serious.

Like, it's...

Like,

they're really fighting.

And I go around the corner to Mary Beth and I was like, Mary Beth, that fucking dog is killing something back there.

You've got to go get it.

She lived there her whole life.

She used to tell me that her dogs used to do that kind of shit.

So, what did you think that she would do that you had not thought of?

Went and just picked up the dog and carried him away.

Because I'm like, I don't know if he's going to bite me.

I don't really know this dog that well.

Like, it was between me and the groundhog.

I mean, you know, the groundhog is going to have to go.

But Mary Beth went and she got the dog.

And then she said the groundhog hobbled off and went under the porch.

Now, whether he survived it or not, I don't know.

But like, dude, the viciousness that this dog was attacking this fucking Groundhog, who was just sitting there eating clovers, minding his own business.

It's the circle of life, bro.

I mean, you know, you saw the Lion King.

You know how

brutal it can be.

Yeah.

It's just the way it is.

You can't, you know, that's survival of the fittest.

I mean, I hope that doesn't apply to me.

Yeah.

I just had that.

I had that hawk.

I don't know if if we've recorded since it happened, but the hawk, the neighborhood hawk that I have, ate one of my squirrels.

Yeah, I saw that on Instagram.

Yeah, and I had to do, because I was so

like, it was upsetting, but the squirrel was already dead by the time that I had even gotten outside my house.

So I was like, okay.

Well, the hawk's already eating the squirrel.

So what am I going to do?

Like, you know what I mean?

Like, it is a circle of life.

Well, hold on.

This is the other thing.

I went to the hawk.

Like, I tried initially to shoo it away, and I've never been looked at with such disdain and disregard

than from a hawk looking at me, trying to scare it.

It wouldn't even stop eating.

It just looked at me like, what the fuck?

Like, are you serious?

And, like, it didn't matter how close.

Like, the closer I got to the hawk, the more scared I got.

That it was just going to, like, launch hit my face.

So the hawk was basically like on my property, eating my friend, and telling me to go fuck myself.

Any shit shit you can do about it?

Any shit I could do.

So I had to wait till the hawk was done, and then the squirrel got caught.

It was trying to take off,

and the squirrel got caught in the talon.

So it was shaking its foot, trying to get the squirrel off.

And like it was going.

And I'm looking there.

Am I concerned?

Because I couldn't tell if it was Stumpy or not.

And that was really like, you know, by now, I know several of the squirrels, and I would be bummed if any of them got eaten.

But like, Stumpy would be the heartbreaker.

So I had to do a like a post-mortem autopsy on the remains of the squirrel to see if I could make out if it was Stumpy.

Right.

And then I had to bury it, buried it in a poison ivy patch.

Didn't realize it caught poison ivy for two fucking weeks.

I'm talking about all my balls, like up and down my leg.

And then after all that, I couldn't tell if it was Stumpy because it was so mangled.

And then Stumpy came out of a tree about an hour later and I felt okay.

But it was like, it was terrible, man.

I still got the poison ivy, like the dried up, puckered, like scars now.

Oh, good lord.

Did you try to get it?

Yeah, it was rough.

But did you try to make it a little bit more digestible by saying maybe the hawk had like baby hawks that she was, you know, whatever she got in her mouth, maybe she brought back to the nest and

were starving.

Stumpy's brains.

And what's the other one's name?

If it was the stumpy, what's the other one's name?

Or does it not have a name?

No, there's Scruffy, there's Red, there's Whitetail,

there's a few.

We go with Scruffy.

It was Scruffy?

No, no, no.

The one that went, it was this little guy with red feet.

I'd only started to getting to know him, so I didn't really give him a name, but I recognized he had very red.

We can call him Red Feet.

He's dead now.

He's buried in my yard.

Redfoot.

Yeah, Redfoot.

So maybe Redfoot, you know,

is now, you know, is keeping, again, that circle life going for those little baby hawks who now needed something to live.

Yeah.

I think that's where I came to it.

Like, what are you going to do?

But now, like, we just had those hundred-degree fucking days, right?

And I put out food and drink for the squirrels now because if it's too hot, like, I want to make sure.

But I'm in my pool because it's so hot out, and the hawk just hovers above my house now.

And

you just hear, it screams.

You just hear, ah, crack ah, you know what I mean?

It's just, so it's like the, it's like something from Harry Potter.

It's like this fucking angel of death just hovering over my house.

And like, I worry constantly about it.

And like now when I take Benjamin out for walks, I'm worried this fucking hawk's going to come down and like swoop and get Benjamin.

It's that big.

Oh, yeah, it's big.

And Benjamin's a lightweight, too.

He's pretty skinny.

Yeah.

He's old and frail now, too.

Yeah, he was not even worth the meal, but they're not going to be able to tell that from up top.

You know, they're just going to swoop in and grab him.

It was hardly worth killing this cat.

Yeah, like he's not 18.

I mean, how much longer is he going to be?

He has no meat on his bones.

I mean, put it this way.

The squirrels don't even fucking worry about him.

Like, when he's walking around the house, like, if there's a neighborhood cat around, you'll hear them all freaking out and panicking.

They see Benjamin, they don't even like, they'll come up to me for the peanuts still.

They're like, this old motherfucker is not going to bother me.

Isn't it crazy how a squirrel with a brain the size of

a pebble knows that that isn't a danger?

Like, he can sense that that cat is not a threat to him.

That yeah, that blows my mind.

It's wild.

Yeah.

It's wild.

I mean, it might have something to do with the fact they know I'm safe and I'm a source of food, and I talk to them like a fucking lunatic.

So they might be like, Well, I know it's safe when he's around, but

they don't even look at Benjamin.

It's fine.

Do you ever worry, though, that you could get too caught up in, like, you know, because you do have to get these communication, you know, you communicate with these creatures?

Like, I don't want to see you go down a path where you think you can talk to all animals this way, you know, and go

ahead and go grizzly man on me on us.

Timothy Treadwell over here.

I don't think the squirrels understand me if it makes you feel better.

Like, I think they just, I'm just getting them used to my voice.

You know what I mean?

And now, when I'm walking around the house and they hear me talking, they run towards me.

So, I know they're not like, this is my pal, Brian.

They're like, he's a fucking source of food, but

you know, I think they feel safe around me.

So, um,

so from there, I'm gonna fight a hawk.

Yeah, sorry, sorry, Go ahead.

So

from our parents' house, we go to our grandfather's house, which is two and a half hours away.

And now I'm driving a truck.

I'm driving a big U-Haul because we have to put all this shit into the U-Haul.

We're going to take it to the grandfather's house, and then we're going to put it from the U-Haul into the pod, along with the stuff from the grandfather's place.

So I get up to the grandfather's, I walk in, and I'm met with, like, I realize, I think for the first time ever, I'm like, this is what it must be like to be a super smeller because the fucking odor in this house was so strong, it just fucking hit me, like punched me in the face the second I walked through the door.

And I even said to her mom, I was like, What is that scent?

And it turned out that

the basement had flooded, so it was like mildew and stuff, you know?

And I said to Mary Beth, I was like, Look, not to be a pussy, but I was like, I can't stay here with this kind of smell.

You can stay.

You can stay.

That is kind of being a pussy.

All right, fine.

So to be a pussy.

Please don't preface it by saying not to be a pussy.

We all already know that you're a pussy.

But it was so strong that I was like, it gave me a headache in the half hour that I was there.

Oh my, I was waving my hikey hitch.

So we're like, all right, there's a.

But is anybody else having these reactions?

No.

No, that's what I don't get.

It's so weird.

Like,

it's really strange that you guys aren't like, let's get out of here.

But there was a place nearby that we stayed when we went to our grandfather's funeral.

Then there's another place that was equidistant, but like $200 more expensive.

So I was like, well, let's go for the cheaper one.

It's a quality and they're usually pretty decent.

I'm telling you, if you're going through Mansfield, Ohio, do not, whatever you do, if you take any advice from your pal, Bry, do not go to the Kuala Inn in Mansfield, Ohio.

I would have rather went back to the house.

The place smelled like, like, the room smelled like cigarette smoke mixed with mildew.

There was hair on the counter.

There was like a ceiling fan that looked like it hadn't been cleaned since fucking ceiling fans were not taking it.

One of the blades was broken off.

Mary Beth is like, we're not staying here.

Now, this is seven o'clock in the evening.

So she got to.

So she said you're not staying there?

She said we're not staying here.

Did you call her a fucking pussy?

You're like, oh, you can't take it can't take it

it's like you wouldn't want to put your head on these pillows it was so fucking gross

so for the next three hours she's on the phone with choice hotels talking to them about like because you know when you make these reservations backed up that you couldn't find another place to go to well it's such a small area

that there were only like there's basically only these two places and one it's called a sleepy inn and that's also by choice hotels and that's where we stayed last time so we were like

long story short, she gets some points.

We're able to go over to the other place, and it's totally fine.

My whole point in saying this is like, that's how strongly I feel about listeners not staying in this quality in a Mansfield, Ohio.

And then the fucking next day

was the day before I was going to leave.

We're heading down to get some, there was like this Mexican restaurant that we discovered last time I was there.

We ate there twice last time.

I'm like, I want to go back.

It's fucking delicious.

Got a fucking speeding ticket.

First speeding ticket since we went to that con in Buffalo, remember?

That would have been like 2015 or something.

Another grievance.

Yeah,

I would never, ever remember you ever getting a speeding ticket in Buffalo.

You just don't care.

Should be at the forefront of your mind.

Yeah, I got a speeding ticket.

How do you sleep at night?

But god damn it.

It's like

as soon as they see the plate, you're done for.

Like, it's New Jersey.

Do you think you're that much of a conspiracy theorist that you think that cops look for out-of-state plates?

Yeah.

To tick it?

Yep.

I don't buy that.

Yeah.

What do you think?

Your dad was a cop.

Were you going over to speed limit?

By 15 miles an hour.

That's not the point.

Proudly displaying my New Jersey plates.

Yeah, I mean, if you're going over to speed limit and

you think that if it was a Ohio plate, they were like, oh, okay, that guy's going 15 miles over to speed limit.

They're not going to pull him over?

I don't know.

No, they might pull him over, but it depends on on if he's from town or something.

Like, if he knows the cop, you mean?

Yeah.

I think that, yeah, you can't expect the same level of

interaction with a cop that maybe went to high school with one of the locals.

Oh,

I didn't know it was you.

I'm going to let you go.

Make sure you're not, you know, driving so fast down the street.

Say hi to the wife.

I'll see you later.

Try to slow it down, like that sort of thing.

I tried to convince him we went to high school together, but he was a good 30 years younger than me.

So I got the ticket.

It's like, like, nothing good happened on this trip except for getting the shit.

And then I had to leave her because

then I had to come back here for Sage and for Telem Steve Dave stuff.

And plus, I just, honestly, I wanted to get the fuck out of there.

Tell him Steve Dave stuff.

We got

big Patreon stuff coming up.

That's still a couple days away.

Still, you know, know, I got to get myself.

That fucking TSD card.

Pretty fucking liberal.

I got to get back.

I'm recording

three weeks.

You know, I got to watch a two-hour movie, right?

I got to watch a Moonbreaker.

I can't move these pouches.

Let your dad do it.

You can all move stuff in the stink.

We love it so much.

I think you're scrambling for any reason to come back to jersey which is fine yeah she want i think she wanted me to leave anyway because it was

you think yeah

it was easier can't be look i love i love very bad like legit right she cannot be surprised at like she was she listened to you for years like she she can't get mad at you right like it's just she of all people should realize you know that you're not going to be the guy that's like all right roll your sleeves up what's that smell Oh, who cares?

Let's get this job done, fellas, and then let's go down and get a Mexican dinner.

Quickly, quickly.

Damn the speed limits.

I think we can all agree that this is Mary Beth's fault.

There's no way she thought you were that gung-ho, like, you know, up-and-atom dude that was going to tackle this head-on with a grin and a positive attitude.

Maybe not.

Other than pouting like a fucking

what do I got to do?

felt like tearing a ground hug apart I was so upset

yeah so uh so then I headed back and I was trying to try and make it one day because it's only eight hours and then it's and the the phones now tell you like in addition to GPS they give you weather conditions and they're like there's a severe thunderstorm ahead take this route for for a safer travel or whatever and I was like fuck that yeah like how long does a thunderstorm last I think I was driving into it because for hours I'm like got my chin on the fucking steering wheel.

I can't see shit.

It sounds like fucking, it sounds like hail.

It's like the raindrops are so loud, like how, like, when you got to put your hazards on and shit, and you're going fucking 20 miles an hour.

That was a good

three hours of the trip on the way back.

So you were, so she has been in Ohio for how long now?

Since not, what, it'll be a week

tomorrow.

This Tuesday, it'll be a week, right?

wait

so how long have you been home alone I got home on what day is today today is Friday Friday so I got home on Wednesday

oh okay because I was like why why if you if you're single right in the mail why the fuck you get over here hang out

well I got I got Sage but she's not getting back till next Wednesday so

All right, all right, I like it.

So, but what is she doing that takes that long?

They had to like clear out their grandfather's house.

It's like, here's the shit that people want.

Here's the shit that goes in a dumpster.

And then here's the shit that the person who, the appraiser, comes in and the auctioneer or whatever

will come in and like auction stuff off.

But it seems like her mother, like you think that I was fucking down in the dumps about having to do that shit?

Like her mom looked like she was like just despair personified.

She's like, I don't want to be there.

It was her dad, right?

Yeah.

I think it's a different

point of view.

like they're coming into it with different emotional baggage.

You don't want to be there because you don't give a fuck.

She's throwing out her father's belongings.

I'm like, just chuck it off.

You're mildly annoyed.

She's heartbroken.

Plus, she has to take care of her house.

She's trying to find somebody to commiserate with.

I know, I'm knocking anything at this table today.

This sucks, right?

I met the mother-in-law.

Oh, the hole down there.

Boy, this sucks, huh?

Sure, yes, brian sure it does

but you wish you could go home

i am home i grew up here

yeah

i forgot there's a worldview other than my own

down at this at the uh courthouse that can do anything about that speeding ticket we dropped somebody's name we dropped a grandfather's name

I wasn't that far away from it because when we got stopped, Mary Beth was like, do you know Sonny Barker?

The guy's like, no.

Oh, my God.

Anything, anything.

It was $160.

And he's like, you know, if you want to fight it.

And I said, Do you know how much it would cost me to come back here to fight a $160 ticket?

But then I made him laugh because as we were talking about the ticket, some old guy pulls up.

And in the loudest voice you can imagine, like shouting, he's like, There's a bike stuck down on the train tracks.

It's there right now.

He's going.

That's fucking like that's like the news.

that's like the whole town comes to a stop when shit like that happens down in ohio yeah really the fuck the whole place shuts down everybody rushes to the fucking train track bring your camera there's a bike on the train tracks

So you didn't pull, you didn't pull the like, boy, this reminds me of that time I was on TV

on my television show where I was going the speed limit

where I followed The Walking Dead, one of the most popular shows ever broadcast.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't mistake me.

Did I tell you I know the Impractical Jokers?

Yeah, I don't know.

Drop a T V show that hasn't been on the air in fucking five years.

I think it's longer than Tom.

Is it longer than that now?

Oh my God.

Time flies.

When you're not on T V.

Yeah, when you're not on T V.

I talk Q, you know it.

Time moves at a different pace when you're on you're on a TV show.

It's only because you got nothing to live for if you're not on TV.

If you're not on TV, it's fine.

Yeah.

I get all my worth from True TV.

So now she's helping clean out the shit and she has to drive.

There was so much stuff that she wanted to bring that she's now driving a U-Haul back herself.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah, I know, right?

Is this stuff that you want?

I don't even know what it is.

Like,

the only stuff that I know is, like, bookshelves, these really nice bookshelves that her grandfather had.

I don't want to concern you, my friend.

But does she have like, this is the town she grew up in.

So there's like high school boyfriends or shit like hanging around that town that's there to help her lift shit and move it into cars and stuff like that.

So how quickly that shit flies through town?

Like, that's like, you know, faster than the bike.

And B is back in town.

And B's back in town.

And it gets around and all the.

Just like she did, I bet.

You're right.

She's a slut.

Her husband left.

Her husband left.

Husband driving out.

She was back by herself.

Yeah, and then fucking, whatever his name, whatever fucking shit kicker she fucking dated before she met you is like

rolling a little buck teeth.

He's hot.

He's hot as hell.

Yeah, he wears like you know, a tank top.

He looks great.

You're not worried about that?

She, I'm not really worried about young guys.

She seems to have a type.

You know, he pulls up

in his rusty pickup and he with his overalls, no shirt on.

He's like,

you need help with damn bookshelves?

It looks like you could use a little backbone muscle.

Yeah, what's that spell?

I don't care.

Only no pussy would care.

Cletus, no.

Are you sure you can lift that all yourself, Cletus?

Oh, come on, Emby.

You know, I lift more than this back in high school.

Lift you up,

set you down on the bed,

and have my way.

She's like, you remember that?

How is she reacting the whole time?

Her heart's aflutter.

All of a sudden,

that accent is right back.

Oh, her too?

Hello, Cleanus.

My stars.

It has been a spell, hasn't it?

You want some sweet tea, please?

How about some sweet TNA?

You're fucking cut to you driving in a thunderstorm.

I can't see you.

Why is it so rainy?

Why does God hate me?

Sweet tea.

These are all stereotypes on it.

Please forgive me, listeners.

I'm sure it's not like that in Ohio.

From watching a lot of sixties Green Acres.

That's how I assume it.

That's how I assume everything outside of New Jersey is.

Oh, right.

Why is it raining so hard?

Fucking GPS.

Yeah, I couldn't believe it was telling me to go different ways.

And I'm like, fuck this GPS.

Like, I should have listened.

I should have listened.

Should have been like Michael Scott and just driven right to a fucking pond.

MB, your husband don't like moving stuff, huh?

What?

He goes a fine.

They grow him soft out there in New Jersey.

Big old belt buckle and shit.

Oh, God.

There happens to be like a fair in town that night.

There happens to be like a fair in town that night.

Yeah,

strolling down Winsome

Carrying a couch.

He had to put it down.

She's got stuffed animals that he won her and like a fucking

pitching contest.

That's what she needs the truck for.

It's filled with fucking animals that he won.

God damn Cletus, that son of a bitch.

What's that?

Holy shit.

Well, you know what I got that I bet you fucking Cletus doesn't have

ads.

Fuck you.

People aren't listening to him.

I'm talking about.

Oh, no, he better not have meundies.

You know he has tidy whities.

I listen to the husband

shucking jab for the man.

He sure does, man.

It's nice, M.B.

He's late on his.

Does your husband really need the blue chew?

What kind of panties he wears from the undies?

I bet you he wearing a thong, huh?

All right, all right.

Enough of Cletus.

Starting to get angry.

Mitch, I can't believe she did it.

It starts to become real.

The switch is thrown.

Have you heard about the legendary underwear brand that's totally taking over the podcasting world?

What?

Whoa.

So everybody, they're not.

They're assuming that they've reached legendary status.

Or at least the copywriters of it.

Famous for their...

Yeah, a little bit.

Famous for their buttery soft undies and bralettes.

Oh, I love a bralette.

Myundis loves podcasts just as much as you do.

It's like they were made for each other.

They're really

pandering to the podcast world here.

I mean, I could see why.

Get to know the underwear brand on every podcaster's list.

I'm about to vomit.

There's so much more than undies.

What are your favorite Miundi's pieces?

Mary Beth says they have some awesome new groovy prints that she's peeling off for Cletus as we speak.

Yeah!

Son of a bitch.

Everyone knows Myundi's for their super soft undies and comfy bralas, but you know they make other stuff too.

We're talking durable, cushy socks that will make your feet sing.

We're talking super stretchy loungewear.

We're talking daily tees, shorts, and rompers that add a little silky softness to your everyday.

They even make hoodies for your dog so you can match every important person in your life.

Available in sizes extra small to 4XL, and tons of colors and prints make Miyundis your destination.

Your destination for all things soft and sustainable.

My endes has a great offer for the listeners for any first-time purchasers.

You get 20% off plus free shipping and returns.

So, to get 20% off your first order, free shipping, and a 100% satisfaction guarantee, go to meundis.com/slash T-E-S-D.

That's meundis.com/slash T-E-S-D.

You know what?

I was teasing before about legendary status.

I would think Myandis does at this point.

I think they,

what's it called when you supplant?

What's the word?

You take the place of something, supplant?

Usurp.

Usurp.

Surplant?

Usurp.

Usurp.

Usurp.

Okay.

Like Fruit of a Loom used to be the legendary underwear maker, I think.

But I don't think the common, or I don't think the youth of today would even know what we're talking about.

No.

But you drop Miandis, you know, they know immediately underwear.

They had the fruit guys.

That was like, that's what made them the fruit guys commercials.

But, you know,

that was your daddy's underwear.

Yeah, I don't wear Edgar's underwear.

I wear my own.

I wear meundies.

Yeah, he was a tidy, whitey, fruit of the loom kind of guy.

So was I, though.

Yeah, we all were back in the day.

In the 70s, there was no real.

So it's not cool anymore.

No, not at all.

I think Haynes is the only other.

Well, Calvin Klein for a little while was the hip.

Oh, because of, you know, they kind of came in and shook up the underwear world.

But now I think Miyundis has really, you know,

they've taken the place of all those, you know, all those legendary underwear manufacturers in the past, but now it's all about the Miyundis.

Yeah.

Miundis is the.

Yeah, I'm in.

Are we still doing the commercial?

Yeah.

I don't know where we're at.

That was my version of dancing and jiving and trying to

make the man happy.

I hear you.

It's the most important thing.

I guess we all can pretend we're happy too.

She's lying.

She's lying.

Sage is here, everyone.

So

I'm having to deal with her often.

At one time,

I considered myself Q's best friend.

Then I lost the status to you when we had that competition.

Oh, yeah.

And now you've lost it.

To

the shark doctor.

Or Dr.

Shark.

Oh, Dr.

Craig?

Whoever the fuck this guy is that Q's fucking online.

Well,

he's on TV, so right away, you know, he's got something going for him.

He saved my hands from a shark.

You know,

these are important things.

You didn't watch the practical joker Shark Week Spectacular, I take it, Walt?

I did.

Sounds convincing.

Okay, well, then you'll recall there was a part, I did the dive, the 60-foot dive to the shipwreck, and I was waving my hand around on the water.

I was trying to have to do a little acting down there, right?

And apparently,

if your hands move a certain way, sharks think it looks kind of like squid or something like that.

So, and I caught it on camera.

It was a pretty cool moment.

Like, this reef shark, six-foot reef shark, six foot, seven-foot, swimming along, spots my hand and, like, drops its fins into like an attack posture and dives at my hand.

I didn't even see it.

They didn't even tell me until I was out of the water.

And, or they did, but I didn't hear it.

But, and you see, Dr.

Craig, like, just before it gets to my hand, he puts his hand on the shark's

face and shoves it away, and the shark just swims off.

So, it was going to bite my hand.

Yeah,

you got to befriend that dude.

Befriend him.

Best friend status immediately?

Yeah.

I mean,

it's a hand.

You only got two of them.

Yeah.

I mean, it was my left one, but still an important hand, I think.

So I got to save his right hand somehow.

Well, I think that,

yeah, Dr.

Craig turned out to be a really nice guy, and he doesn't get, he's like the shark expert that they use in a bunch of these

type specials.

And I can't believe it.

But they told us that we were really the first people to come in, these guests, and use him comedically

in the show.

Like most people just use him for like science and facts.

And we were like, he's one of those guys that's like so buttoned up that he's funny.

You know what I'm talking about?

Like just like buttoned up smart motherfucker.

So it's like he's funny to like fuck around with because he's trying to talk seriously about sharks and shit like that.

And you're just like, what about this?

What about, you know what I mean?

Like, you know, can they all steal it?

Like, but girl, go swimming with a period.

Will a shark attack?

And he's like, Jesus Christ, no.

That's a joke because I've often thought about that.

Yeah, apparently it's not an issue.

It's not an issue.

They can't smell

that type of thing.

Well,

it didn't seem like it was an issue when I brought it up.

I don't think that made the, I think I was kind of like lightly mocked when I brought it up.

I'm not sure that made it to shark week.

that's why, you know,

at this table, you'll never be mocked for asking smart questions like that.

Thank you, buddy.

There's so many other reasons to mock me at this game.

Dude, I've thought about that many times.

Like, why wouldn't that be

like a bad thing?

Why wouldn't it be?

Why isn't there a giant sign on the beach?

If, gals, if it's that time, don't go in the water because it could be sharks are out there.

You can't tell anybody anything anymore.

So, women on a period, sorry, you can't swim.

Especially now, though, there's sharks everywhere out there.

People keep getting attacked.

So you're saying if a beach was to put up that kind of big giant sign, they would be,

you know, they'd be criticized?

I would like to see a billboard in jaws, like the girl on a surfboard's like blood is leaking all over there.

How old is there's the shark doctor?

He's probably

right around my age, I would guess.

That's another maybe a little older.

Ticks the box.

Brian's much older than you.

I'd say much.

We can stop it older.

You know, he's a guy your own age.

You know, it's

some of his other interests besides sharks.

Does he drive anything?

He doesn't.

I can get him on talent.

You want me to get him on the show?

Absolutely.

We could ask him all sorts of shark questions.

We'll get him.

He, wait, what did you just ask?

Other interests that he may have that.

Oh, well, that's the thing.

It doesn't appear, I mean, he has a wife and kids, but aside from that, it doesn't appear like he has any interest whatsoever in anything besides sharks.

He's that guy.

Is that healthy?

You know, doesn't the world need guys like that, though?

You know?

Yeah.

It might not be healthy for him personally, but the world needs those hyper-focused guys to really unlock it.

It's like that with comics, and you know, you burn out, though.

So I got a feeling, though,

Dr.

Shark, you know, when it's about 10 years,

you might be like, fuck sharks.

I don't see it happening.

No, I don't see it happening.

No, I think this guy's right about it.

Devils, I lived and breathed it, and now I'm like, eh.

So it can happen.

Will that affect

the relationship?

Or no?

It's so strong.

It's not built on just shark interest.

Once you save a man's limb, I think

he's your pal for life.

I think.

Yeah, it's like World War II stit, man.

The guys, we were in the trenches together and he saved me.

So

has he saved anybody else?

I mean, because he's putting his own limbs in jeopardy by going and confronting that shark on your behalf.

Yeah, I did notice that when he dove, he had like chainmail on his arms that I did, that I wasn't provided.

So I think he was like more uniquely prepared for it, but a really great guy.

But last year,

this is how heroic Dr.

Craig is.

Last year, he worked on the episode where the jackass guys got one of them got there, really got his hand almost bitten off by a shark.

This guy Poopsy, who's fucking hysterical.

He, it like severed his thing and his hands, and it was a big emergency.

They caught it all on camera.

But Dr.

Craig wasn't on that boat, but when he heard it happened, he grabbed the first aid kit and dove in the water to swim to him to save him from the attack.

I'm telling you, this is a fucking

yeah, this is why.

I mean, this guy, yeah, I mean, this guy deserves a friend of fucking Q stature.

The first day that we were moving, I was almost convinced that I had mild heat stroke.

Forgot to add that.

He's on Twitter and Instagram at the shark doctor.

So I encourage anybody listening to hit him up.

You know?

All right.

We saved Q's hand.

Where's he out of?

He's local.

He's in Long Island.

So we'll get him.

Yeah, we'll get him in the studio.

We'll get him.

Yeah, I assume somewhere, you know,

maybe Florida where a lot of sharks populate.

Surprise he's

far away from sharks.

No, no, no.

He has a specialized boat.

He owns it privately that he does all sorts of shark research around Long Island, up by the Hamptons, all the way up there.

He knows, but

he's like a world-renowned.

Like, he goes, they bring him places to like study and get his advice on stuff like that.

The guy's

a shark god might be a little

actually, I don't think it's too much.

I think he's like a shark god, like he's a shark god,

you know?

I mean, if anybody's going to be one,

it's Dr.

Craig.

It's Dr.

Shark.

I'm telling you, shark.

Yeah, but we'll get him on the show.

We'll get some shark questions.

You guys will fall in love with him.

Definitely.

I have a ton of shark questions.

Like, why don't they get cancer

and going back to that menstruation issue

you know as far as i could tell nothing makes him happier than answering shark questions okay so he'll be a good guest

i saw um

this has nothing to do with sharks

See, when you said it was shark week, I thought it was like you were going to shark chicks, like pull down their tube tops and crap.

What's that called?

Sharken.

I never heard that.

Yeah, like when a girl has a tube top and you just pull it down on her, it's called sharken.

Is that what it's called?

Speaking in Japan, yeah.

Well, that's what I thought.

You've been sharked.

Hey, Mary Bill, you've been sharked.

Cletus?

They call Cletus the land shark.

Subway had a promotion recently where if you got a 12 by 12 tattoo of their new logo

you would get free subs for life

Jesus you should google it later on everybody should google it later on and take a look at it because I was like how big is 12 by 12 like is it that big dude it takes a foot it takes up your whole back yeah that's crazy who would do that some guy did it and if you got like a three by three one you got free subs for a month like three inches by three inches okay and I was wondering is there anything you guys would

get a tattoo 12 by 12 tattoo, free whatever for life.

Maybe, like, if I had some sort of disease where the medicine was like

super expensive and I can get a lifetime supply of like life-saving medicine.

Right.

I think that'd be a good investment.

Well, when's the last time you walked around without your shirt on in public, though?

A long time.

Why, that's also under stipulations?

Well, I guess

they want you to get it so people see it.

Like this guy that got it, he looked like he was in pretty decent shape.

I'm kind of like annoyed at Subway.

What is that?

Like, okay, now you have to do this.

And then also you have to do this.

It's like, dude, I got the fucking tattoo.

Now you're going to shame me because I won't take my shirt off?

Because I'm too fat.

Like, you have shame, Subway, and it's called Jerry.

It's not me.

I want to get a tattoo of Jared.

I know that would be a horrible mistake on my part to make a point.

I don't know how it would affect you negatively.

I'm glad I said it out loud.

So take that.

My 12 by 12 portrait of Jared.

Like, and who are you talking to?

Like, who at Subway are you in this conversation?

It's rough because

even if someone were like,

if you get a 12 by 12

tattoo of Jared, I'll give you a million dollars.

It would still be so rough.

You can make a million dollars.

A million dollars is a lot, but would you?

Oh, fuck yeah.

Who's eggs?

Yeah, I would do it.

Who's ever going to do it?

Yeah, a million bucks, I would do it.

Like you're in bed, like Deb's going to rub your shoulders for you.

You're on your stomach.

She's like,

oh, that's right, Jared.

Oh, I would play with it.

I would be like, I would make it talk and wiggle.

Oh, yeah?

Seen any young Filipino kids around?

I'm fantasizing that a little boy is rubbing my back right now.

Really creep around?

I don't know why I'm doing all these things.

What do you stantic aim?

Well, I'm a billionaire.

Fuck you.

I can do it every time.

Well, you're just like making it rain and shit.

I can make horrible, politically incorrect jokes to my wife.

We literally see my Hitler tattoo.

Q, did you know that cats have been designated as an invasive species, an invasive alien species?

In Australia, right, or something like that?

Poland.

Poland.

Okay.

All Polish jokes aside.

Are you allowed to make Polish jokes anymore?

Yeah.

Yeah, you still can make Polak jokes.

Yeah.

I think so, because they never made much sense to begin with.

Like, why were Polaks

labeled as

like if you look at the history of the country?

Polak is pretty brave.

It is offensive.

What's that?

I said, I think Polak itself is offensive these days.

Really?

Yeah, even saying that, I think.

Really?

Really?

I didn't know that.

But I remember like when you were.

Oh, it's not like Italian?

It's not like that guy's an Italian?

No, no.

I think it's a Pole.

It's just like he's a Pole.

It doesn't sound as badass as Polak.

No, I don't think so either.

But I think it would be the same as a Dago or something like that.

I guess, but that should never, I mean, it's just not

sitting right here.

Is that offended?

Frank, as an Italian?

Like if somebody's like, oh, you stupid whopp or you stupid dago or whatever?

None of that stuff offends me.

Yeah.

Like I had a friend of mine who refuses to watch the Sopranos because she doesn't like the way they're portrayed.

Right.

Because Italian heritage and stuff.

None of that bothers me.

No.

You love the Sopranos.

I did love the Sopranos.

It's your favorite show, right?

Other than The Office?

Yeah, one of my favorite.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

I've been putting it on in the background recently.

Just catching little things, like tiny little things.

So, but why is Australian anti-cat?

Uh, they're not, it's polar, polar.

Uh, why did I think it was Australia?

Somebody say Australia?

I don't know.

I could have sworn somebody said it was all going on in Australia.

Uh, the damage that cats cause in terms of hunting and killing birds and other wildlife was enough justification to consider the animals invasive.

Okay, you know what?

And then watch your fucking rodent population skyrocket.

If you don't have cats, yeah,

You dumb

pollocks.

That's right.

We said it.

Right, Kill?

I mean, cats control and that vermin, the disease.

All right, so maybe a couple sparrows.

You know.

Listen to me.

You can't cuddle up on a couch with a sparrow.

You know what I'm saying?

But a cat, you can.

Right.

And cats are so cute.

And then you, and then you get the mouse droppings everywhere.

Then you get sick.

Cats.

Yeah, then the black plague comes in because it's out of control with the fucking fleas on the rodents and shit like that.

Cats should be worshipped with statues in Poland.

Yeah, like Egypt, man.

Yeah, Egypt.

You're telling me there's no crazy Polish cat ladies?

That's insane.

Of course there's got to be.

There's got to be.

Cats fill the gap.

That's what they do.

The cat met.

100% of all criteria to land itself on the invasive species list.

So what is their plan now?

They kill 140 million birds in Poland every year is what they're saying.

But that's just the yeah, but they don't give you the good stats.

That's the bad stat.

Give us the good stats about how many rats and mice they kill.

Probably triple that.

Maybe even four times that.

It says here that

cats and kittens in other parts of the world, such as Australia and New Zealand, will won't continue efforts to get rid of cats.

Make no mistake, labeling cats as invasive is a preferred first step in a broader strategy of killing them in huge numbers through ghastly cat hunts and poisonings, said this lady who runs

Becky Robinson, president and founder of the Maryland-based Alley Cat Allies.

It will never be effective to kill cats, nor will it be morally acceptable.

Poor little cat.

Yeah, like you just catch him doing because he's doing what cats do?

Yeah, he's just being a cat, man.

They're celebrated.

There's a reason cats were fucking worshipped.

There's a reason they're awesome.

i mean look we do it up here like like in the neighborhood we have the thing where we catch the cats i mean i guess it's really just me but i like to say it's the whole neighborhood where we like i'll catch the neighborhood cats in a cage and i'll bring them down to the vet and get them fixed and everything like that like then they can't breed then that that's the way to do it

you know you can't put them down like that's crazy they're so cute

yeah you don't want to go on that road polling i don't want to be part of a society that does that.

You know how, like, in China, like, they have those dog festivals where they'll eat the dogs and stuff.

Yeah, like Bruce.

I'm like, I don't want to be a part of that.

Like, I just, I'm sorry.

Like, I don't, if that was Italy that was pulling that shit,

I would not be proud of it.

I loved SQ because a lot of celebs will not go anti-China.

Really?

Nope.

Usually it's their human rights issues, not

the dogs.

But you know what?

Yeah.

Ricky Gervais is big into into that dog.

I mean, I applaud

calling out the fucking monsters that would kill dogs and skin them for a festival.

I mean, okay, if this was your only source of food, I would be aghast still, but I'd be like, okay, there's nothing else there.

Sure.

They can eat whatever they want.

Yeah.

There's no reason to eat a dog.

Like, it's a festival.

It's like surrounding

the whole cell.

Yeah, the celebration surrounding it.

It's fucked up.

Yeah, it's not my deal.

So Poland doesn't want to land because right now Poland's on my good list.

You know, they were brave during World War II.

Yeah,

they fought hard in World War II.

Like the people.

I've never met Polish people that I haven't liked.

There's a big Polish community on Staten Island.

I would be very upset if they started to skin cats and stuff.

You might be in trouble with your recent slurs.

Did you guys hear that

the big news about the Lochness monster?

Oh, I did.

Yeah, I did read that.

Yeah, it's pretty amazing.

Have you heard of Q?

I can only assume that they proved it doesn't exist.

No, scientists have said it is absolutely possible due to some recent findings of

bones or fossils in a freshwater lake

that

they believe

that

it could exist.

There could be a Lochness monster.

Wow.

It's plausible.

And for decades, they said it wasn't, but now they've come out and said, yeah, it could happen.

So all those sightings,

you know, now you have to rethink them as they weren't kooks.

There was a possibility they actually saw this

Platosaurus, what's it called?

I don't know.

The technical, whatever this thing, it begins with P and ends in S.

Probably has Oris in there somewhere.

But yeah, there's a possibility that people were seeing

a descendant of a dinosaur.

But because of the bones, they think it's dead now?

No, they think that there could be,

what's it called?

What's a school?

A school of these creatures could be living

in these lakes, and Lochnus.

could be one of the lakes they're living in.

Yeah.

But how do they explain never finding a body washed up or anything like that?

Are they putting forward theories on that or it's just the first time?

Well, they did find a body.

They found proof of a body of the creature that would fit the description of the Loch Ness monster.

And they weren't old, old bones.

They were real.

Real skulls?

That's what I mean.

Like, if they were still around today, wouldn't we find

I mean, you know how hard it is to find, like,

bare bones?

Because they go somewhere when they're ready to to die and they kind of like find a place where no one is and no one can bother them and they lay down there.

And that's why a lot of people don't find bones of these predators easily.

Yeah.

So, because I think the Lochnus monster would definitely be the alpha predator in that lake.

Agreed, right?

He would be

a meat eater?

You don't think it eats vegetation?

Oh, no.

It didn't look like it had some pretty sharp teeth, like the renderings and stuff.

I think it's eating fish and other forms of aquatic life.

Oh, shit.

I always, I don't know why.

I always assumed the Loch Ness monster would have been a vegetative creature.

Are there any vegetative fish that eat just vegetation?

I thought all fish eat other fish.

Well, are we assuming the Loch Ness monster is a giant fish?

I thought it was like.

That's why we need Dr.

Craig.

Dr.

Craig?

Yeah, you're right.

He seems a bit more.

He probably knows a lot about this.

I know.

Stupid jerk.

His last name's O'Connell, so he's Irish, Brian.

So like we can, you know, you can trust him.

I like it.

I thought this was amazing news for people who are into cryptid creatures, though.

That's the first step towards

the scientific community accepting

cryptic evidence.

But then you get a whole bunch of wackos about who are into other shit.

And it's like, see, I'm not crazy.

Oh, boy.

Blue balls is real.

I know it.

It's not made up.

Was there a scientist who said it wasn't a real condition?

I don't know about a scientist, but probably plenty of women.

Like, yeah, sure.

Sure.

It's a real medical condition, not a myth made up to pressure women into sex.

Mayor, pay attention.

Yeah.

And this is from Australia, Walt.

And do the testicles actually turn a shade of blue?

It says they can.

They don't turn bright blue, but it says that they can take on a blue hue.

It says if you become aroused for a long time, you get lots of blood going down to the testicles and increases the pressure.

If you don't ejaculate, then that pressure becomes achy

in a concept known in medical circles as epidemiology.

Cute, you should do like a Jerry Lewis marathon for blue balls?

Blue balls.

Yeah.

A 24-hour telecast where you bring all your

celebrity friends on.

You know how Jerry used to do it back in the 70s?

And you get people to phone in and donate money to help

blue balls.

But where's the money going?

Prostitutes?

Yeah.

Guys with blue balls could walk across the stage.

He did it.

Yeah, it says it's real.

So guess what, girl?

When your man is like, hey, you just gave me blue balls, it's

yeah.

And like, it's just easy to dismiss as like funny because it's about balls and it affects guys.

But like, if it's a serious issue, like, how do we get this taken?

How do we get this taken seriously?

Have you ever tried to use that as a sympathetic way to,

you know,

to like, hike, baby?

They're blue.

What's blue?

No.

I've been lucky to be blessed with enthusiastic partners my entire life.

Nobody ever had to guilt and fucking medically threaten to get off.

These could fall off.

You want to see them bouncing across the floor?

They've taken on a hue.

They look like racquetballs.

They're bouncing all over the place.

Help me get some relief, honey.

I'm dying here.

It says in 2019,

Cosmopolitan magazine published a piece titled Blue Balls Aren't Real.

You're welcome.

Guess what?

Written by a woman.

What do you know, lady?

What do you know?

What do you know?

That's like me writing a thing, like, menstrual cramps aren't real.

Like, how would I have any authority to write that whatsoever?

Oh, good God.

Could you imagine if you did the heat you would take?

You're like, let me tell you something or else

I got it all down.

I'm going to tell you about your periods.

Yeah.

Hey, men, menstrual cramps aren't real.

You're welcome.

Like Brian Quinn.

Yeah.

Yeah, it probably wouldn't go well for me or my career.

No.

If Maxim Magazine was still around, you could probably write something like that in that.

But is Maxim still around?

I don't know.

I can't believe it.

But Ladd Magazine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Have you ever resorted to trying to

use

your blueness

as a way to?

If you talk about my depression,

kill myself if you don't do it.

I don't think so.

I've probably mentioned it, though.

Yeah, you're right.

I probably have mentioned it.

Do these look bluer than yesterday?

I think they look bluer.

I know they were bluer than the last week.

She's like, yeah, they're going to be bluer tomorrow.

Fine.

Yeah, no, I don't.

Why is.

Sorry, go ahead.

Go ahead, Pikachu.

Go ahead.

No, no, no.

I was changing the topic, so keep going.

Oh, no, I didn't have anything really to add.

Oh, I was just wondering, like, not that I'm not happy to see him, but, like, I'm assuming there's a reason Frank 5 is here.

Yes, yes.

Yeah.

He's been awfully quiet.

Yeah, he's been quiet during the day.

Yeah, he's been very quiet over there.

I can't believe it.

I was

just watching.

The Franks are in town because we're going flea market hopping this weekend.

Oh, nice, nice.

Where are you headed?

Berlin and Columbus.

Okay.

Much like Columbus himself, you know, who was looking for you know, that

promised land, you know, that they thought he was crazy.

Me and Frank are going to be out there looking.

Supposedly because he was taking people's eyes out and shit for no reason.

We're going to be looking for that gold, that golden find.

Yeah, what are you looking for, Frank?

Like, what's up?

Holy shit,

this is what I've been looking for.

You know, I don't know.

It's more about just the hunt.

You know, there's nothing in particular I'm looking for.

If I see something that I like, I go and I.

That's the way to do it.

Yeah, you're not, you don't know exactly what you're looking for, but you fucking know it immediately when you see it.

You're like, holy shit, how much is that?

Like crumpy, yes,

not with another one.

Not that crumpy was purchased at a flea market.

No, of course.

The night fair, the night fair, the night fair, but a crumpy-esque find.

Yeah, it could be, yeah, it could be something on the level of

an elf carcass or even

just anything of a collectible,

an old shirt, a pair of pants, anything.

Anything is up for grabs at a flea market.

I've been told I'm going to be doing a lot of flea marketing coming up, Mary Beth.

Really?

Why?

To get more furniture for the house.

She wants to decorate.

She really wants to do old stuff, huh?

Well, she has each room as like theme.

She's like, downstairs is going to be retro.

This room is going to be me and Sage's game room.

And this is the family room and like that kind of shit.

And each one is going to have, according to her, is going to have a theme to it.

I cannot see, I can't just picture you going into flea markets looking for furniture.

You're just seeing like I'd be like, can't we just find it online?

There's antiques all over the place, right?

Yeah, flea markets tough because, like you say,

it takes a while to find what you're looking for.

That's right.

And I don't know if I have that level of patience.

There's plenty of flea markets, though.

Well, tell me what you're looking for.

Yeah.

And when I'm out and about, you know,

I can get contacts.

I can get the phone number and be like, hey, I got a guy who might be interested in this.

Hook you up.

He doesn't go to flea markets.

He's got blue walls.

He can't go out

in the sunlight.

He's homebound.

He's a shut-in.

Do you remember shut-ins in the 70s?

Oh, yeah.

I don't think they call them that anymore.

But, yeah, you would have like neighbors or people in town.

I remember part of the church,

when I went to church, part of their deal was like around the holidays, you would go visit shut-ins.

And it's like always like...

Do you think that they don't exist anymore?

No, I think they exist.

Remember the shut-ins of the 70s?

I can't call them that anymore.

Like they were a rare breed.

Yeah, like you would go in, like, the old lady's house would stink.

All the newspapers piled up all the way up.

Stuff piled up.

Because at a certain point, they're like, I fuck give up, man.

I just don't want to do this anymore i think every year there's like the shut-in number grows yeah as yeah as people get older you know

you cross that line of like where you're you went out of the house did things too

you know you're not capable of getting out and driving around anymore so you become a shut-in yeah i guess my grandmother to a certain point was a shut-in for a while because like she they had to take her license away because she was like crashing into cars and shit i remember right off behind the wreck one day timmy saw her back into somebody back into somebody's car, and just drive away because she

basically drove a fucking tank.

It was like this huge station wagon.

Did Timmy rat her out or did Timmy keep it to himself?

I think Timmy played it cool.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's a good dude.

Imagine that, the director of a borough community center.

Witnesses.

Keeping that a secret.

I wonder if retroactively he could get in trouble for the

statute of limitations on a fender bender in the 80s

have long since expired.

My grandmother's gone.

I heard it secondhand.

47.

I saw

a couple weeks ago, I saw Chicago and the Beach Boys in concert.

Oh, how was it?

Interesting.

A lot of older people?

Yeah.

Only older people?

Yeah.

As you say, it was pretty much stacked with older people.

But

do you know any, are you a fan of the Beach Boys?

I wasn't sure, Q.

I know Brian, he's he's not.

Yeah, I mean, I listen to Pet Sounds, you know.

I wouldn't say I go deep, deep on all their stuff, but certainly I am fairly familiar with

Pet Sounds is a great album.

They said it's the greatest album maybe ever composed.

I don't know why they say that, but like there's an argument made, like a combative group of people are like, this is the greatest album ever recorded.

I don't know.

I have heard that.

I don't agree with it, but I have heard that said.

Now, do you know the man who did it?

What do you mean?

The big guy behind the Beach Boys, the main man.

Do you know his name?

Yeah.

He just died, didn't he?

No, no, no.

He's performing.

Oh, okay.

Brian Wilson?

Brian Wilson, of course.

He was the one that had the sand brought into his house.

When he was writing pet sounds, he had a piano

in his living room, and he had his living room filled with sand.

Wow.

And he wrote pet sounds.

He's that eccentric, yes.

Was it him?

Was it Brian Wilson or Dennis Wilson that was buddies with Manson?

No, Manson was into.

I don't know.

Yeah.

He was all into the Beach Boys and the Beatles.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's been lost to time, but apparently the Beach Boys at one point were considered legitimate competition for the Beatles.

Yeah.

Yeah, like they were, like, I don't know how they got lost, but they're not considered the same, obviously.

But for a a while, it was like they were in competition.

Like they tried to outdo each other and stuff like that.

I think the Beatles won.

Yes, absolutely.

Yeah, they won.

They won that battle.

But I believe it has to come down to the

inane lyrics of the Beach Boys.

Kind of just like, it's not deep in any way, shape, or form.

You know, like a day in a life versus I wish they could all be California girls.

It's just, there's no argument there.

It's like one is, yeah, but you need both.

Yeah, you do.

But Brian Wilson opened for Chicago,

and I have never seen anything like this, and I'm sure I'll never see anything like it again.

They brought him out and put him down in front of a piano that I know he wasn't playing.

I just really, yeah, he was not playing that piano.

And he didn't sing,

And he looked around as people talked to him on stage.

There are so many performers on that stage, so many musicians, I guess, to get that large sound.

But they would say something in between songs.

And he would just look at them

and kind of then look back.

And he basically was like, we're going to play Brian Wilson's catalog.

a bunch of musicians no one's ever heard of and it was good enough and it's good enough for the audience just to have the guy who composed those songs sit there while

like a prop.

Yeah, it was really, really strange.

But the crowd, like every time it was over, and somebody would say something, like he never spoke, Brian Wilson, and they would say something about, like, you know, Brian really loves this song, and this is one of his favorites.

And then, you know, and are you ready, Brian?

And Brian would just look at him.

When he looked at him,

it was enough to get a standing ovation if he looked to the left.

Like, Or the guy who was talking about him, if he just looked at him, he got a standing O,

which a lot of people may be like, this is sad.

But I'm like, that's pretty fucking wild that people are still willing to give a standing ovation

to the guy who composed the music who just now just has to sit there and let other people play it.

It says here he's 80.

Yeah.

Did he look all over 80?

He looked like he was in pretty rough shape.

He did walk out on his own, but with a walker

and that that made the place go nuts when he when he came out and when he left they went nuts again

but it was good for him interestingly because i'm like this is unique because somebody had to be like

well how can we tour if he can't perform why don't we just send him a send him at the piano

let him look around

it's one step different from just stuffing him and

just putting his corpse in front of the piano.

Didn't he?

I read that he had a lot of mental issues.

Yes, he has all of that.

Yeah, maybe that's what I was confusing.

Yeah.

Yeah, he has a lot of

issues with voices in his head.

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah.

A ton of books

and interviews where he talks about

the horrible voices that have been in his head for decades since he was a young man.

It seems like it's never nice voices.

It always seems like people are tortured by the voices, or they're like evil voices.

And then I thought it was weird, too, that

Chicago came out, and Chicago has an impressive

set list because almost every song was a top 10 hit when we were growing up.

Right.

Maybe not, maybe you're not as familiar with them, Q, because we're about 10 years older.

But they are probably listen to.

I would totally

know every Chicago song that they they played, I'm sure.

Yeah.

And they had a much better setup because they had like a big screen else, was it not L C D?

I don't know what you call it, but like a computer massive screen where like you could put graphics on the background when the songs were playing.

They did some psychedelic stuff, but what they did was so fucking cringy.

I couldn't believe it.

Like, I wish I could just gone backstage and get a hold of somebody on Chicago, and I'd be like,

they were like, they were playing songs, and

they were using like

royalty-free images from like stock footage, stock photos of like young people talking on a phone, smiling.

Like watermarked and shit.

I was just aghast.

I was just like, why do you, like, who designed these images to come up?

Like, who synchronized this?

Because it kind of was like they were talking about being on the phone or like calling somebody.

And when that fucking line came up, there was like a 16-year-old on the phone, like sitting on it by it, sitting at the base of a tree in a park with a big smile on his face.

Wow, that sounds nice.

No.

That sounds nice.

It's so like fake.

It's so plastic.

It's so ungenuine.

I mean, these guys are in their 70s.

There's no fucking teen fucking Chicago fans.

Like that's sitting in a park somewhere across the country.

It should be like an older lady.

No, it's like holding in a rotary phone.

No, it should just be like

weird imagery, like, again, like psychedelic stuff.

You know, if you really feel the need to put something behind you, like a backdrop, don't fucking spray in all these stock photos of like, they're like, some of the photo, like the metaphors in the songs are like, there's a beacon or a light, and they would show like stock footage photos of lighthouses.

You got to do it like the wall, like Big Floyd's the wall, like all crazy.

Oh, that was all.

I saw that.

That

when, what's his name, toured with the wall, and they build the wall on stage or tear it down while he's fucking.

It was mind-blowing.

Was that a little more into it?

Yankee Stadium?

Yankee Stadium, yeah.

I mean, I'm not saying that they should have like, you know, like really fucked-up shit or nude women running around on their fucking in their movies and shit, but not this, like, real, like, fake, homogenized

plastic photos.

Like, almost like it's like a commercial on TV.

It felt like it almost felt like elevator imagery.

If there's elevator music, this was elevator images that they were throwing up.

And it really took away, because like, you know, I'd rather have, you don't even need images.

You don't need to put something

like something to the eye when you're performing these songs.

Everybody knows.

It was really weird.

But like I said, if I went backstage, I would love to fucking get a hold of somebody and be like, yeah, cut that shit.

I'm sure they're there.

The person who put it together.

Let me add them.

Thank you.

No, then I had the exact opposite.

Two weeks ago, I went to go see

the Grateful Dead, Dead and Co.

They're touring with

John Mayer.

And you guys know,

he's fucking Mayer's, like one of the sickest guitar players ever.

So they're doing, they do, it's like a five-hour Grateful Dead concert with John Mayer and taking the role that Jerry Garcia, I guess, had.

And I had never, you know, I know maybe,

you know, a handful of Grateful Dead songs.

I was never like,

of course, ever knows Truckin', Touch of Gray.

Yeah,

all that stuff.

You're a top 10 guy.

Top 10 Grateful Dead guy.

But that's okay.

No deep cuts, but, you know, and never, never,

never thought about them as like, like there was no reason I was never into them.

I wasn't like they fucking suck.

It was just like, it's the Grateful Dead.

It's a whole culture that I guess just kind of passed me by.

I got to tell you, man, I might be the newest deadhead in the world because it was fucking awesome.

It was one of the best concert experiences I've ever done.

You did bring your volcano?

I did not bring my volcano, but

you didn't have to.

You did not have to.

You did not have to, right?

You did not have to.

It was people walking, like, it's, I've never thought I would have a concert.

First of all, it was in City Field.

It was in a, it was in a baseball.

Like, Like, it wasn't like a, you know, but I didn't even know they had concerts like this anymore.

Like, the whole baseball field was just general admission, right?

So,

you know, except for that one little VIP area that I was in.

And then

Skybox.

No, no, no, I was in the fucking tomb course.

That was a joke.

I was in.

Let's try it out.

Q's coming.

I went to.

No, it was a joke.

I was in the general admission.

I was just standing.

And it is exactly like if I asked you to describe what you think a Grateful Dead concert would be like, it is exactly what a Grateful Dead concert is.

It is the tie-dye.

It is people walking around with the balloons filled with nitrous.

It is people smoking weed.

It's people just dancing.

Can you go back to that?

What is a balloon filled with nitrates?

Nitrous.

Nitrous.

It's laughing gas.

They fill balloons with laughing gas, and then during the show,

dude, everybody had a fucking balloon full of it.

It was like nuts, and they're just sucking on it during the show.

It's madness, and people are like, just like everybody sounds like a Donald Duck, not helium.

No, no, no, not

laughing gas, not helium.

Yeah,

it's the shit you get like the dentist office.

So I can't get it.

They just get it.

Fucking illegally filling balloons.

Dude, it is.

You can buy it online.

Yeah, it's wall to wall.

I don't know.

I didn't do it.

I'm a fucking impractical joker.

I keep it clean.

You know what I'm saying?

Sponsors, I didn't do any of that stuff.

But like the

no, I got really fucking baked, dude.

Some guy gave me a hit on a joint and it fucking sent me like suddenly like I was sitting there air guitaring along with John Mayer while he's doing trucking.

I'm like, trucking, yeah, baby.

It's a long, strange trip.

I'm like, like, I was like going fucking berserk.

What if I told you, Paul?

What if I told you all that I fucking took a hit off a stranger's joint at the Chicago show?

I would be like, why did we do talk about anything but that this entire fucking episode?

And if I told you I smoked the whole thing after he gave it to me, after I got one hit.

I would be more interested in that than I would be in the Loch Ness Monster fucking mystery being solved.

I'd be like, I have to know.

What does it look like?

What does it sound like when Wolf Lanagan's fucking riding the volcano?

I gotta know.

I would love to know.

Ah, yeah.

Unfortunately, that didn't happen, though.

I know that.

You didn't have to tell us that.

We knew.

But it was fucking, dude, it was like,

it was like, you're, and they had the visuals.

That's, that's what got me here.

They have like

just the trippy visuals on the giant screens going, and every once in a while, like, it'll just cut to like Bob Weir, like, playing.

And then, like, old footage of him playing, right?

No, on stage now, he's jamming, and then they'll just, like, superimpose this trippy fucking light show on it.

And the whole audience is just like fucking mesmerized, man.

It was like, it was wild.

I never experienced anything like that.

And then since that two weeks ago, I've been doing nothing but listening to Grateful Dead and fucking loving it.

Like, I'm totally into it now, man.

Could you see yourself

following them around?

You like fish?

Like a lot of the people who dropped off from Grateful Dead like this band Phish.

Like Frank Three follows Phish all over the place.

I could not see me getting into that travel aspect of it, but I'll never miss a show again that I can go to.

Does that make sense?

Wow.

It left that much of an impact on you, huh?

You said it was five hours long?

It was five hours.

It was almost five hours.

We played four hours.

You know why they played a five-hour set?

Because all the songs are like as slow as shit.

They're like so fucking mellowed out.

Nobody gives a fuck if it, because they're so high in breaking.

No, they're still playing it?

No.

Because they're not out there thrashing fucking mad and like, you know, putting a toll on their body.

Running around the stage and stuff.

Yeah, they're basically just a step above Brian Wilson.

Dude, it was fucking awesome, man.

And I have never heard

live guitar like I heard that night.

Did you get a shirt?

It was crazy.

I didn't because

after a while, I actually had to leave a little early.

So I wanted to get one.

I would have gotten one, but I actually had to leave a little bit before.

I went to buy a Chicago shirt.

I saw, and I walked up to the fucking kiosk,

I was like, oh, do you have that in large?

And they're like, okay, $55 for a t-shirt.

For a t-shirt.

It was just like,

you know what?

I left my wallet.

I said, back with the one, Mrs.

I said, I'll be right back.

Somebody stole my wallet.

And I never went back.

I was like, I'm not.

I'm sure they were waiting on you.

It's crazy, isn't it?

Yeah, that's nuts.

Yeah, I wonder if the Grateful Dead do that, or are they a little bit more like, hey, man, like capitalism, down with it.

Here's a $20 t-shirt.

I wonder if they do that.

Yeah, yeah, that would be interesting to find out because they were the anti-establishment.

Yeah, it's dude, the parking lot for Citi Field is turned over into like a market.

It's like a pop-up market.

It's just all these, there's no way it's legal, but apparently they do it every show.

They just, it's all these tents set up and people just selling everything.

Like you could just go there, buy drugs, buy the nitrous, buy buy shirts, buy beads, buy craft.

It's like a whole hoodie, those hoodies that are made out of that certain material.

Oh, that drugs.

Yeah, that burlap looking shit.

Yeah, yeah.

They were people in that.

It was something, man.

It was an experience.

I'm glad I, because I don't think I ever would have.

What made you go?

The writers on the show were going.

And I was like, ah, fuck it, I'll go.

I like John Mayer.

You guys know I'm a John Mayer fan anyway.

So I was like, I want to go.

I wanted to go see him perform.

It was great.

It's fucking crazy.

Don't you always feel the people that wear those hoodies up to something?

Well, that's the fucking way you crossed over that line.

Yeah, like a young bra would be, would never look at a guy in a hoodie and be like,

That's a perp.

I know that's a perp.

I report anybody I see in those hoodies to the police.

He's got to be up to something.

I think I'm going to fucking get one of those burlap style things and start fucking working it in again.

Tie-dye underneath.

Man, you know?

I'm about 46.

Like, what do they call them?

The T-shades or whatever.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe a dead tattoo.

I'm into it.

I'm really into it.

Really?

You're that into it?

You thinking about a tat?

No, not really.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, get the skeleton playing the violin, right?

That's a big deal.

Oh, that would be pretty fucking sweet, dude.

I started watching the Grateful Dead movie they made back in the 70s, and it's like a time capsule.

It's fucking, it's like they'll be playing, it's a concert movie, right?

But then they'll just like while they're the music's still going, but then they'll just cut to like outside the venue, and it's all these fucking dirty, fucking, drugged-out hippies just smoking joints and passing around and shit.

That I would never want to take it part of it.

It looked fucking filthy and smelly, but

it looked wild.

It looked like just part of a culture that I'm like, man, I'm glad I got hip to it.

We missed it.

We were a little bit too young for that, like to experience that, you know,

the whole love and peace movement.

Yeah, but I'm in it, man.

I'm a new deadhead.

I'm in it now.

Wow.

It doesn't take much, right?

No, it doesn't.

Seemingly nothing.

I love sharks.

I love the dead.

I love this.

I love that.

Like, whatever the last thing he did is his favorite thing.

I didn't say it was my favorite thing.

I said

it's the newest thing.

It's different.

He's a Renaissance, man.

He's got many.

Hey, man, you've got to grow.

You can't just fucking calcify.

You end up like a shut-in getting visited by fucking kids once a year.

You know?

Had those shut-ins listened to More Grateful Dead, they wouldn't find themselves in that position.

I'm just open to new experiences.

That's all I'm saying.

And it's been rewarding.

It's been rewarding.

I've been rewarded with the gift of a catalog

that's fucking 50 years old.

You know what I mean?

Like, now I get to dive into that.

So those balloons floating behind you,

they're filled with nitrate.

They're not even going to last a fucking day, Walt.

I'm done.

I'll fucking light up right now.

I don't give a shit.

Where is it?

Where's my joints?

Oh, I don't know.

That's dangerous, though, because all those sparking joints and roaches.

I doubt it.

I don't think they're inhaling flammable stuff at the dentist's office.

Like dragons.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, yeah.

And I'll tell you what,

I would be concerned if you were fucking huffing off a balloon filled with laughing gas.

Yeah, like if we started it,

that would make me sad if I saw you doing that.

I don't know why.

I wouldn't want to

be huffing a balloon.

Not even in a concert,

athletics suck.

Face is all sucked.

Looks like the fucking tin man.

Please, yeah, please don't get into it so much that you'll ever go balloon.

Okay?

Be careful, man.

Just go in with a one-toe right now, but don't get too into it where you're

holding on to a fucking balloon like

you're in a park selling balloons.

Excuse me.

I mean,

I've never done acid or anything like that, man.

You don't think I should like just don't do it and go to the show and just fucking.

Just enjoy the music.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

You got it.

That sounds good.

I'm not sure I believe I'm there.

I'm too afraid to do acids, so I think you're safe, buddy.

I think you're all right.

I just think it would be sad to see, you know, anybody fucking doing a balloon.

I don't know why.

I don't know.

They didn't look sad.

They did not look sad, dude.

They were dancing.

It was like, people were dancing by themselves.

Like, it was like, it was something to see.

It was really like kind of interesting to see.

Highly recommend.

I saw that one when Q and I were in New Orleans.

We were up on one of the balconies.

We We were looking down, and I saw a lady.

Remember, Q, I was like, she was dancing by herself, and I was like, why can't I have fun like that?

Yeah.

Like, there's

like, I would never dance at a concert.

I would certainly never dance.

I mean, as I recall, unless I was heavily drunk, maybe.

Just the person you're talking about, I think, was like 18 and like beautiful and just, yeah, and drunk.

Yeah, she had reasons to dance.

I've reasons.

Hey, she was in the middle of the fucking street.

and she was a little bit more.

Did you leave the dance in the street like that?

We got till 10 o'clock, then I found the cops.

Yeah, she better not have a hoodie on.

Tell him, Steve Dave.