#511: G-Spot and C-Man

I got an anal gland guy for you.

You know, as long as it doesn't bother me, I don't give a fuck.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell Em Steve Dave.

I am here with BQ.

Hello.

I am here with Waltz.

Yo.

And I am here with myself, myself, me, Bry.

We got a full house here today, man.

We got the

Make and Hay AV Club here.

We got Tommy Lincoln and Chuck and Rupert and Mary Beth.

And what I'm wondering is, were they all required to purchase something in order to stay here and hang out and watch?

Just like you used to at the Stash.

Because they should be.

We've got some weather out there, man.

You're right, Q?

Yeah, no.

It's concerned for your safety.

It's got the wrangle.

It'll punch through some mild sleet like that.

Yeah.

I was

telling Walt how occasion to go out to dinner with Walt and the lovely Miss Flanagan.

You went out?

Not too long ago.

Yeah, with the

Franks.

Where'd you go?

Texas.

Texas Roadhouse.

It was good, too.

Yeah.

Damn.

But I told Walt a story, and I'm curious to hear

your input here.

You were right.

I was right?

Yeah.

I thought so.

I knew it.

I knew it.

Yeah.

I guess we can go through the formality of the story if you want, but that's my answer.

Well, you've known Sage your whole life.

I have.

Sage came home not too long ago and got off the bus beside herself.

This is a kid who's usually upbeat, cheery, happy.

Tears in her eyes, extremely upset,

so much so that she can't even get out what's bothering her when she gets off the bus.

So Mary Beth's like, you know, what's wrong?

What's wrong?

And she's just like, the bus driver, like the bus driver had done something, but she either, for some reason, she didn't want to tell us what the bus driver had done.

Well, that's not great.

Yeah, I know.

I feel like it was probably something like a girl, like somebody took her seat, and then the bus driver didn't side with her, or something like probably something along those lines, because that seems to upset her.

You know, as she's sort of like telling us what happened, Mary Beth is like, Do you want us to, you want, you want me to go beat her up?

And she goes, she turns around, she goes, no, him, and points to me.

She goes, he has a gun.

So this is the second time

that she's talked about shooting somebody.

She doesn't understand what.

I don't think she understands the finality of pulling a gun on somebody and then discharging it.

Wow.

So, what's the question here?

What do you do about a kid like this?

She's out of control.

Have you had a talk with her about how guns aren't safe and how they're dangerous and all that stuff?

Ever since she was little.

There was a stretch where she would be like,

if I had the gun out for whatever reason, she would be like, No, dad, are you like she

wants me to put it on?

Yeah, like going crazy.

You're sitting there, on Sam.

Like dancing from foot to foot and shit.

No, ever since she was very little, she understands like the danger of guns, which is what makes me think.

She's like, I want this bitch ended.

Yeah.

Does she understand death?

Do you think?

That I don't think so.

Well, that's what's going on.

Is there a time in your in the time, you know, are you going to explain what death is, or is it just better to just let her not?

Well, eventually it's going to happen where, like,

I thought I would have had to explain it with Princess Mitch, but then Princess Mitch pulled through and survived.

So the only thing she's ever had die was a goldfish called Fifi that she didn't really care about so much.

Right.

Well, her father, but she was two years old.

So she would have never understood that.

Would you bring in the

Would you bring in the heaven aspect to make it feel a little bit less terrifying?

I think

as much as I don't don't believe in it, I think it may be a good idea to tell a kid like that, like, yeah, grandma, grandpa, or whomever isn't around anymore.

But

so then you should have more understanding for people who cling to that, even if they're not,

you know, special needs.

I say it out loud.

I want you to finish that sentence.

So when I see a congregation at a church, I'm like, what we're dealing with here.

No, no, I didn't mean it that, but I just say it.

it's like, yeah, you see the comfort and why it's so,

you know, people want to believe in that, you know.

Yeah, I don't know why I was, I don't know if I was raised that way or I was born cynical, but like, I don't have, I wish I did.

I wish I had that ability to have that kind of faith and that kind of like, it's going to be fine.

I did when I was on pills.

I have been on a on a kick looking up people who have died and come back and have been to heaven.

And I have desperately want them to come on Telm Steve.

I want to talk to them.

I just don't know how to get in touch with them or to

or to get them on the show.

I'm wondering, maybe, if with all the full house here, maybe we can.

I'm looking at Tony Lake.

To find somebody who wrote a book that died and went to heaven and came back because I want to talk to that person.

I really want to know what heaven's like.

So, you don't have a name, though.

You don't have anybody else?

There's many people who have.

I mean,

you could look up.

There's probably like 10 of them on YouTube right now.

It only seems to be the very typical, like,

I was on the operating table and I saw a light at the end of the tunnel.

Yeah.

But then they explained that away as like the drugs and the light above them as they're operating and all that shit.

I even found somebody who went to hell.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

He died, went to hell, and he was like, changed his whole life because what it was like.

That's the guy I want to talk to.

I want to hear what the description of hell is.

Dude, how metal was it?

He says it was quite the nightmare

trip.

Where is this?

What one would expect?

Oh, is that where is he?

He's an American.

Yeah, but like.

What part of the country?

Yeah.

Oh,

I don't think we'd get him in the studio unless he's in New Jersey, but I mean, we can get him to Skype.

And I thought.

Yeah, he talks about how,

you know, like heat that you wouldn't imagine, that you can't even put into words, the smell.

What's the name of his book?

Are you talking about hell or the dogs farting in this office?

I don't remember the name of the book, but

all my YouTube feeds now are people who died who came back because I've been looking up so many of them.

And there's one guy who went to hell and came back.

Yeah, I'd love to talk to that guy.

That would be so interesting.

And maybe it changes how you proceed with your life after you hear somebody who went through it.

Do you think

what you do on a daily basis anything is hell-worthy?

No.

No.

I don't think so.

Is it heaven-worthy?

There's a difference.

Well, does the needle just-I think it might end up limbo.

You just can't be like sliding on.

Well, I didn't do anything bad today.

I should be able to.

I mean, I donate a lot of money to police.

Okay, here you go.

Like, it's kind of passive, but still, is that the lazy man's way?

The lazy man's way

paved with dollar bills.

Is it your earn money?

Is it something your accountant has suggested?

Is this a tax thing?

It's a write-off.

No.

No, okay.

All right.

God will know if you hit it on that.

I saw that smile.

I saw that.

No, because I knew what you were getting at.

No.

No.

It's like, whenever it's like so fucking cold out that I can't even walk to my car, I always worry about people sleeping on the streets.

So then I'll go donate.

Oh, okay.

Stuff like that.

There you go.

That's definitely.

I thought you were going to say, like, in your driveway, and you wouldn't be able to back out.

Yeah.

Well, they're not allowed in my driveway.

Move at Hobo?

Yeah, I don't want them anywhere near.

No, not near my house.

Of course not.

No, it's not me.

Not in my backyard, as they say.

Or front yard.

No, but yeah, like I'll do that or, you know, I'll donate to animals or, you know, the Ukraine, you know, people's homes getting destroyed.

So I don't know if God would be like,

I mean, is he the type of guy that's like, well, you could have given more.

Or is any amount good?

I feel that you're always going to come up short.

Yeah.

You know, everybody.

No one's going to be perfect because there's only one perfect being.

So that's what he's told.

So he's, yeah, you have to just

hope you did enough at the end of the day.

Yeah, I guess.

I mean, I guess it's got to be up to you, right?

I mean, look, you can't run around trying to fix everybody else's life.

You just can't do that.

It's not even, I don't even think it's morally correct for you to try and do that because, like, what about your life?

It's very arrogant, too, to think.

Like, I got all the answers.

Yeah, yeah.

And if that's the case, I'm quite the opposite.

I don't think I have any answers to anything.

And then you donate money and it's getting skimmed and shit.

Who came up with the 10% tithing?

Who do you think came up with that?

The church?

Yeah, I'd think so.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Like, you're supposed to give 10% of your income to the church.

Oh, oh, yeah, that probably was some cult leader.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

I think cult leaders are like, oh, you need to donate 100%

and your wives.

Yeah, isn't it weird?

I listened to a book about Jim Jones called The Raven and the shit.

Like, look, I didn't want to go to church to begin with when I was a kid, and I never went when I was an adult.

But you get like adults like Jim Jones being like, yeah, your wife, she's mine now.

And male adults being like, okay.

Yeah.

And then him being like, have sex with each other instead.

And they're like, okay.

And then

your wife is also like, since you've been led to believe and you 100% believe that Jim Jones is a god, so then how do you have when she comes back from her evening with Jim Jones and he's done with her and now she's yours again?

You'll never live up to Jim Jones because you're not because he's so much higher than a normal human being in their eyes, I'm talking about.

But maybe like

maybe she's like, well, I would think

a demigod, he would have performed a little better.

Well,

maybe that's how a demigod performs.

Whatever happens, you twist it to make it.

Yeah, it would just be like, well, if you were hotter, I would have performed more.

Since on you, go take care of yourself.

Yeah.

We're going to have fitness.

Wait,

the guys then turned to homosexuality in that cult?

Yeah, it said in the book that.

They were that lonely?

I don't know if it was they were that lonely or Jim Jones was just some like a sadist where he's like, I don't know what else I can make them do.

Like, Like, insult to injury, not only am I going to fuck their wives, but I'm going to make them fuck each other.

I didn't read that book.

You didn't read that book?

I saw a lot of documentaries.

I never heard that aspect of the.

Let's see if I can find it because I have the book, and I also listened to it on

that.

I think that's big cult leaders taking the wives.

Yes,

but the other thing that you're mentioning

each other.

Well, like, you know, having guys, you know,

just all of a sudden now that, you you know, he's flicked the switch and now he wants to see them go at it.

Well, I don't think he was watching.

I think he's like, you guys go be with each other.

I mean, I don't know if there was like

verified information.

Maybe he didn't mean sex.

Go be with each other.

Maybe he.

Well, no, no, those are my words.

Oh, okay.

Those are my words.

Yeah.

You know, like be with each other.

You know, and then to be.

I'm talking about docking.

All right, Jim.

Jesus.

Yeah.

So you think a simple explanation of heaven is the way to go?

I don't even even know if she can get her head around it, though.

Oh, yeah.

I think, you know, you present the picture of

it's paradise, it's everything, you know, you know what the picture is.

Clouds.

Just give her the standard.

Run the classics by her.

I was just going to tell her, I'll be like, grandma doesn't want to see you anymore.

So she doesn't like you.

You were bad.

Now grandma doesn't want to see you.

Yeah.

Now every weekend she goes to either grandma's house or her mother's house.

Yeah.

she's like, Yeah, she's gotten into this thing where she's like, It's the weekend.

Wow.

And she's like, Every Friday I take her up.

We stop at McDonald's, get her some McDonald's for a snack, bring her to Pam's or bring her to my sister's.

That's it.

That's like her weekend.

And I tell her, I'm like, you can stay home if you want.

You don't have to go anywhere.

She's like, no,

I want to go.

She's like, this house is crooked.

I want out.

Yeah, she's like, I want to stay in this shithole.

Let me ask you about the McDonald's, if you don't mind.

Trip.

Just because I've been craving McDonald's like fucking insane lately.

I haven't had a Big Mac in like 10 years.

Wow.

And I really fucking want one.

Are you eating Big Macs?

Am I?

Are you eating Big Macs?

I'm not.

Can you describe what a Big Mac tastes like to me?

Big Mac, the last time I had it was like, I don't know, like six months ago we went, something like that.

All three of us went.

We stopped by.

It's pretty good.

It's pretty good.

That's why I don't get McDonald's.

In haven't you?

Yeah.

It's a steady diet of Big Macs.

But wait, do you blow up Mic Mac?

You never gained a pound.

Plus, it was fine.

I've been fucking hankering, man.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Once you, the thing is, I think you should give in to it.

Yeah.

Because once you eat it, you'll be like, I don't need this for another 10 years.

Really?

Yeah.

It is good.

But it's afterwards the way you feel.

Like it sits heavy in your stomach.

Yeah.

And you feel a little bit guilty because you're like, I just ate like two days' worth of calories in one meal.

Don't eat the bread like me.

I don't know, man.

I think you just got to go for the whole thing, man.

The bread's part of it, you know, for me.

But maybe you can just get that little bit of taste, you know, without the bread, and you won't have that guilt then.

Yeah.

Just have a plain burger with nothing on it.

Live large.

Special sauce other than one.

Yeah, special sauce is fucking good.

And the fries are...

When those fries, if they're salted properly, when they come out of that fryer, man, I believe they are unparalleled in the world of fast food fries.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're pretty fucking good.

Yeah.

I guess we're just going to have to do it after the show wraps.

We'll just go to the the dollars and grab a big man who's a fries.

That's why, like, when I bring her by, like, she, you know, she gets a couple burgers.

She gets her fries and her Coke.

And I have to smell it the whole way to Pam's house.

And I'm like, goddamn it.

And then she wants to give me fries.

I'm like, no, no, that's all right.

It'll kill daddy.

It'll kill dada.

Look at me.

I'm halfway to death already.

You're trying to nudge me along.

Yeah.

You might as well pull out a gun on me like the goddamn bus driver.

But it must be nice to have the weekend to yourselves, newlyweds, chilling out.

Yeah, it's like you don't have to, because like most of the time, I would say 80% of the time she's doing her own thing.

The other 20% of the time, like, Mary Beth has to make her a snack or make her her dinner or she wants to play Minecraft or do this or that.

But most of the time, she just wants to be on her own.

It's the, like, every morning, every morning I get up at seven, make her her egg sandwich before school and all that other shit.

And it's like not having to do that.

That's like, it's nice because

making that egg sandwich, there are times when I would be like, holy shit, like, this is

like Groundhog Day.

It's like every fucking day, it's the same fucking thing.

Make the egg sandwich.

Bring the egg sandwich to her.

Get her clothes ready.

Fucking yell at her to get dressed because she's taking too long.

You know, like all this shit.

And it's just a countdown for her next morning that you got to put it all over.

And the timer starts.

Yeah.

You like that walmart?

Yeah.

Q at a little get-together last week.

Yeah.

Wrestling party.

Pay-per-view.

Really?

WrestleMania?

No, that's coming up.

That's April.

That's April 2nd.

This was just a AEW regular

monthly or whatever they do at pay-per-view.

Nice.

Yeah, it was fun.

It was, you know.

I'm trying to get this guy into wrestling, man.

I'm trying to get him there.

I got to say, the one guy, what was his name?

Dan Forth or Danhausen.

Danhausen.

This is the guy you mentioned my other time.

Yeah.

He's like a fucking best, man.

He's got like supernatural asp uh.

Yeah, he's got, he put curses on people.

He's very barren-like, and is, you know, he has this thing with teeth where one of his moves is like he brings it like a jar of teeth to the ring.

And then when you're down, he'll take jar, he'll take teeth out of the jar and put it in your mouth because you're only used, the idea being you're only used to a certain amount of teeth in your mouth.

So when you have the extra teeth in your mouth, you get confused and you can't wrestle properly.

Is that hygienic?

I don't think wrestling in these volleys, they're bleeding in each other's mouths and shit.

Do you think they're real teeth?

I'm sure they're old teeth.

I mean, you know, or prop teeth, but whatever.

I think the other wrestler has to agree to this.

Sure, yeah.

They got to get up and act confused if there are teeth in their mouth.

I mean, I guess you could play it two different ways.

You could either play it like he means it and buy into it and be all like fucking crazy about extra teeth, which is what I would do because it's funny.

Right.

Or I guess you could just be annoyed that you have teeth in your mouth and be spitting them out.

And that's any distract.

And that's.

And how does he get their mouths open to winning?

You know, they're on the ground.

Or

put them in, shove them in the mouth.

You know, it's just, but like, that's the type of guy Dan Hausen is.

So yeah, he came out.

Wow.

Yeah, I love it.

I really liked him a lot.

He's just like, he creeps around.

He has a very Renfield-like demeanor to him.

You know, it was pretty funny.

A lot of the stuff prior to that.

Actually, the final round was pretty.

What was the other guy's?

It was CM Punk versus.

Oh, MJF.

MJF.

It's a guy who comes out with this Burberry scarf on and shit.

He's like a Long Island douchebags as character.

And he just mocks the audience and shits all over the audience.

And I got to say, it was pretty funny.

It was awesome.

How big was the shindig?

10 people.

I mean, throughout the day, people coming and going.

Now, are you allowed to be spoken to while the match is going on?

Are you so into it that you won't be bothered?

Or

if you don't want to party, man, you know, it's certain matches you can't tear your eyes off.

Like that one that he's talking about, CM Punk versus MJF, was a dog collar match, which is like they each put on a dog collar and then they attach by a chain.

And they have to wrestle the whole match with the chain attached to each other.

So they can't run away.

They can't get away.

They use the chain to beat each other and whip each other and stuff like that.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Dog collar match.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, it seems very like SM-ish.

You know?

Yeah, a lot of blood in that one.

It's actually too much blood.

After a while, I'm like, all right.

It couldn't have all been real, right?

It's all real.

It was it all real?

Yeah, there was speculation that it could have been blood packs.

Like on someone else.

So one person said that.

And although I like that person very much, like, it was a fucking dog collar.

Remember a wrestler called Abdullah the Butcher?

Yeah, of course.

He used to cut his forehead with a razor blade?

Yeah.

They all used to do it back in the day.

So is that real?

They really would cut their head with a a razor blade or they would use a blood pack, you think?

They have used blood pack, but like it, it's never.

Most of the times that you've seen people bleeding and it's for real.

And they would cut themselves with a razor to get the blood.

Either pre-slice it before the match so it can hit.

Right.

Or just some of the, you know, these guys are fucking tough.

They'll take the hit.

Like if you have a ring on and stuff, you gouge the forehead and stuff like that, and they'll take it.

Damn.

Yeah.

Real blood.

But you maintain it was real too?

It looked pretty real.

I mean, you see it spurting out of his forehead.

Oh, yeah.

It did look pretty real.

Yeah.

It's not disturbing, you think, for kids to see grown men spurting blood?

When I was a kid and watched it, it wasn't disturbing at all.

I mean, I will say this.

I did comment at the thing on Sunday that when I was a kid and you were watching matches on T V, it was like old, you know, you didn't really make out the fine details.

Now, this fucking 4K, you can't see the blood like spurting out.

So it is,

and I don't like it as much.

It's a little, it's, I wish they wouldn't cut each other as much.

Really?

Yeah, it's a it's a lot I worry about the wrestlers.

Do you really?

Like health-wise?

Yeah, but yeah, but how about the ref and the other wrestlers, though?

I mean, again, it's like, is that hygienic to be bleeding all over each other?

The wrestlers don't care.

They will put it in their mouths.

They will fucking they'll have blood in their mouth.

Oh, yeah, they'll

another wrestler's blood is all in their mouth.

It happens all the time.

It's not even a thing.

And then and the refs, you'll see when the blood starts, put on gloves.

They'll put on like plastic gloves.

So I guess they want to protect themselves somewhat.

But the other wrestlers don't want to be able to do that.

You think they have to have tests constantly?

I would hope so.

HIV.

Sure.

Can you get AIDS that way, though?

I don't.

I think it's got to be blood-to-blood contact, right?

Oh, blood in your mouth.

Right, but there's still got to be an entry point.

Like if you have a little cut in your mouth or something.

Oh, you mean if it goes down into your down into your belly,

it wouldn't.

Oh, really?

How?

Your body would destroy it.

It's not like it's a hardy virus, right?

Like, it'll die outside of the outside, but it's really like it's got to be like blood-blood contact.

Gotcha.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess that's why I like,

or some kind of fluid, right?

That's why, like, the gay community.

I will tell you what, dude, I don't fucking know shit about it.

I'm just telling you what I've heard.

I don't, you know, nobody listened to me for medical advice.

I just know it's

something like that.

Fluid to fluid.

Yeah.

Nice.

Why?

You can get it from like

an infected load.

Well, yeah, butt-fucking somebody, right?

Wasn't that the whole thing?

But I thought that was where the blood came in, like, tears.

Oh, like, like, micro-tears and stuff?

I don't know.

You don't know either?

I don't know.

Like, for like it, it started, like, that whole epidemic started when we were in school, and I'm shockingly uninformed about it.

Yeah.

Well, you knew you weren't in any danger, I guess, right?

I thought I wasn't in any danger because at the time it was, like, hey, man, it's only for gay people.

I mean, that's the way it was back then.

Like, you didn't have to.

You popped up a champagne bottle, one about your business.

Dentists were giving it out, too.

You know, there was a scare.

Yeah.

But I will say, like,

he enjoyed the wrestling.

It was fun.

I saw the moment where you started paying attention.

I think it was when Dan Hausen came out or whatever.

Yeah, I like the heels.

The heels are

fun.

Best, man.

Yeah.

Sage is real into wrestling, too.

She loves

jumping around the room, screaming,

playing Xbox and shit.

All that stuff.

She's loud.

That's when you know she's home.

Quiet weekends.

Somebody who didn't show up, who was supposed to be there, was Joe DeRosa.

Joe DeRosa was supposed to be there.

He didn't just not show.

Ryan did a...

He just did a no-show.

Yeah, but he at least sent a text and was like, yeah, I'm not going to do anything.

Joe DeRosa couldn't make it.

I will be on

Chip Chipters in

this Sunday, I believe.

He drops it with Joe DeRosa.

for anybody who wants to watch it on YouTube.

But I was thinking about DeRosa and his sandwich shop.

and I'm like Jared Fogel gets out of jail in probably seven or eight years yeah he could get him for a song

yeah but what a message he is sending first of all I'm the man

like that's why I'm suggesting yeah let me not do that

yeah I mean I just think it's a no-fly what does that guy do when he gets out of prison

I think he's still rich

I think he still has money

they said his his he had a value of uh 15 million when he uh

from what From all those commercials.

I mean, he was on those commercials for like 10 years.

So he had back end on the commercials?

No, I mean, I just guess they paid him.

They

paid him that much money.

Yeah, he had

a value of like $15 million.

Then he had to pay like a million and a half to the survivors of his bullshit and then like $250,000 in fines.

And then whatever his divorce took from him.

So

when he gets out, he may still be a millionaire.

I don't know.

Yeah, that's for sure.

Yeah.

Wow.

So he could just run.

He could just go down South America and fucking chill and live like a king for the rest of his life.

That hard

is right.

It doesn't seem right.

Is that justice?

Oh, I don't know.

Not really.

Went out there ruining lives and shit.

Yeah, I mean, he is very famous.

Yes.

And very famously a pedophile.

Infamous.

Yeah, infamous, right?

So

it's not like he could have a good life in the United States, right?

What do you do if you see him?

I mean, I think I would just be like, holy shit, that's fucking

subboy.

If I was him, I'd get plastic surgery, change my name.

Grow a beard, chill him.

That's what I would do.

I wouldn't be going around going, like, hey, remember me?

Come to Joey Roses.

He has him out there with a sandwich board on.

He's checking out all the kids that walk by.

Oh, it's horrible.

So, yeah, I think probably DeRosa would say no to that as well.

Yeah, I think so.

You know what he would say yes to?

What's that?

Pair of raycons.

Oh, shit.

We got an ad?

Sure do.

Let's see.

A lot of people didn't even make resolutions this year.

And you know what?

I mean, it's March.

I don't know why this copy is still from

January, so I apologize to everyone.

But it doesn't matter.

It's timeless.

Just make it your own, like they say in every.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, those farting dogs.

Remind me because I got to tell you something about that in a second.

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Do you love them, Walt?

If there was a word that was more

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I would think so.

Yeah.

I don't know if there is a word, though.

It supersedes love.

Yeah, but if there is, that's the word I would like to use.

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Nice.

So, Walt, the dog's farting.

I saw on Twitter that somebody suggested that maybe they need their anal glands expressed.

Have you heard this?

No.

And

if you decide to do it, I got a guy.

I got an anal gland guy for you.

And what are they expressed?

What does that mean?

I think what they do is they basically shove their thumb in the dog's ass, and there's some kind of sack in there that they press.

Giddam probably wouldn't know.

Hey, Giddam, come here for a second.

And they press on this sack, and from what I understand,

expressing anal glands.

Oh, a very smelly thing.

That's what I've heard, that it's like hell on earth when you smell that smell.

Yeah, I think it's like an extra $30 at groomers to have that done.

Now,

do you think this would help the dog's farting?

That's what I saw on Twitter.

No,

I don't think so.

I think it's just that, you know, I've heard that Frenchies are naturally gassy.

Oh, are they, really?

That's what I read.

Don't get someone to put their thumb up your dog's ass for no reason.

Oh, I wasn't going to do it anyway.

Oh, you weren't?

I can see the look in your eyes.

I don't have

the same

sense of smell anymore, and I don't smell anything.

I truly don't smell anything.

Can you still taste stuff?

Yeah, yeah.

But, you know, I can smell that wood of that gift that Q got.

So it's almost as if I've become immune to that smell.

I don't smell it.

My wife complains about it.

Really?

I don't smell it.

Yeah, Giatum is always making comments.

But, like, you know, as long as it doesn't bother me, I don't give a fuck.

You know, so they can keep doing whatever they're doing.

And

I don't really have a problem with it.

There you go.

No thumb up your ass, Cooper.

You're lucky.

Yeah.

Or unfortunate, I guess.

Depends on which way you look at it.

Yeah.

But who's your guy?

Oh,

my nephew, Hunter.

Yeah.

He works at Animal Hospital.

Oh, okay.

And he's been, he started out as like low man on the totem pole, and he's gotten up to the bottom of the bottom.

He's rising up to thumb ass.

So wait a minute.

So there's something lower than sticking your fingers in the dogs?

I think so.

Like you don't have the skill to do it.

Like I think you have to develop the skill in order to do it.

So like before that, you're clean.

Like say cleaning up the dog shit.

I'd rather do that.

I would too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'd rather do that than have my finger in there.

He also said that

there's a team where, like, say, like, this, uh, say, an animal bites somebody, and they're like, well, we got to test it for rabies.

You can be part of the team that goes in and cuts the head off that animal.

Oh.

Like, because you know you have to cut the head off to test for the rabies, and you get an extra 25 bucks in your paycheck if you're a part of that team.

Wait a minute.

So, like, if so, if they're taking care of this animal hospital, so if while they're examining another animal,

but if that animal, if a pet bites the doctor, they're going to go in another room and cut the head off.

No, I don't think that's the way it works.

I think if it's a standard,

no, no, no.

You're talking about something in the wild, like if a squirrel bit you, you'd have to bring the squirrel with you.

You would have to get the squirrel.

No, sometimes it doesn't really happen all that often, though.

But sometimes he said, I don't know.

It seemed like he had done it a couple times, right?

I think sometimes if pets are like dogs, mostly dogs, I think, are.

What?

can you imagine that?

That like you know,

you bring your pet in, your pet doesn't want his, want to thumb up his ass, it kind of takes a nip at the doctor.

Next, oh, sorry, sorry, buddy, we got to go take one of those and decapitate him.

Yeah,

and this guy right here, he's going to make 25 bucks off of that.

I don't know about that.

I would have to think it'd be like

you would bring in maybe a possum.

But again, you have to bring the

animal in with you because I don't imagine that they're going out looking for the one that bit him.

Yeah, he says he's done it a couple of times.

And he has been I think it's only s if the animal is suspected to have rabies.

Think about it, though.

Think about it first.

Did you question this at all?

Yeah, of course.

Okay.

Imagine what the room has to be prepared for for decapitating an animal.

Okay, think of the

mental

distress that would put on the on whoever's doing it for the rest of the day, let alone the rest of the week, just through that day.

Well, it's a doctor that does it.

It's not like he does it.

Okay, but he's still in the room.

He's still in the room.

He's assisting

in any way he can, which is probably just to look horrified.

Right.

To be like, I can't believe this is what I do for a living.

Think about the mess.

Think about the think about the.

I mean, there's no, in 2022, there's no other way to find out if this animal is rabbit than decapitating.

I don't think so.

I think that's the way it goes.

Let me see.

Hold up.

Real quickly, I'm going to see something.

I just can't believe it that we haven't found better ways yet, though.

I mean, what happens if he took Fido in?

I think it's under the...

And

they cut his head off, and he didn't have rabies, though.

I think it's under...

Yeah, I know, right?

I don't think it's the first thing.

I'm looking it up, and it says it's like if there's a rabies issue.

So it has to be within the scope of a rabies situation, not the dog bit you.

It's got to be the dog bit you.

Because he said he's gotten bitten a couple times at work, and I don't think they just lop the heads off right away.

No,

I would not want to promote that fucking animal hospital.

That's so quick to just fucking start taking heads off.

You're like, did he nip you?

Here's your 25 bucks.

Yeah, 25 bucks is not nearly enough, you would think, to make up for the absolute horror as you remove

a sentient creature's head.

Well, I don't think it's alive at the time.

They put them down.

They put them, they euthanize them.

That's it cut the head off.

Yeah, it's not like they have a medical canotine.

Think about it, though, how fucked up that would be.

I wouldn't want to to do it.

No, but somebody has to do it.

I mean, vets put animals down all the time.

Yeah.

Yeah, but,

you know, with a shot, and you're petting them as they go into,

though.

So that's a procedure.

Now you're taking the head off with a big cleaver.

I think, though, doctors don't see it the same way as us, you know?

I think it's approached more from a scientific professional.

Medicinal, medical kind of

$25.

Who pays that fee?

I guess the hospital.

Oh, who pays for that too?

The extra $25 fee.

I don't know.

That I didn't delve into.

I'm not sure.

I have my Quinny's Choice.

Quinny's Choice.

Game.

This is

awesome.

This is all a BQ

composed game here.

Well, it's a sequel.

It's not like an original.

You know what I'd love to do?

I'd love to knock out this one.

Let's do it.

Then we can go unmolested.

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I take like six pills a day.

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Yeah.

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All right.

I got some multivitamins going.

I'm fucking fit as a fiddle, goddammit.

You feeling great?

Oh, I'm feeling great.

How do you know what to take?

Would you talk into the goddamn microphone if you're going to talk?

How do I know what to take?

They tell me.

Exactly.

The care of is in charge of me.

They're my boss, all right?

Not you.

Don't they have a fun quiz?

I talked about the quiz.

Be quiet now.

No, you didn't.

Yeah, I did too.

I did too.

I said, host must,

I'm not going to read that part.

It says right here,

where does it say it?

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That's the way the world works.

Now fucking Quinny's choice.

God damn it.

Well,

this is going to

turn day around.

Okay.

You're going to love this.

Because a lot of this was knowing you'd have to be giving answers to him.

So it was great.

So

the game was, it's just two terrible options, like Sophie's choice, right?

She had to give up her son or her daughter.

Right.

Well, probably, yeah.

That was what the game was based on, the original game, yes.

So it's just,

I wrote out these situations.

I made a choice as to what I would do in them.

I wrote the answers down to ensure that there was no shenanigans.

And I'm going to present these 10.

I came up with 10, Walt.

Wow.

These 10 situations to you guys.

And you guys see.

How well we know you.

How well you know me.

And whoever gets them the most right gets the title of my best friend.

Wow.

Should we have get them in here?

Hey, if you want.

Get him.

You want to play?

Give me a second.

People have been loving

the G-Man.

The G-Man?

Get him.

People have been.

Oh, really?

I didn't know he was.

Well, we haven't been.

We're trying to cultivate something.

Cool.

Gotcha.

But yeah, they have been loving his appearances lately, like demanding more.

Get him.

That's what's been missing, they said.

The secret sauce.

Wow.

Well, I don't like hearing that, but

12 years later, we figure out what's missing.

Yeah, but I do think the show's better when Getham's around.

Sure.

Yeah.

Why does it do this?

Good?

Good.

Do you like G-Man?

Because I also came with another nickname for him, G-Spot.

Ooh, G-Man.

If we're looking to make him cool, I think G-Man is probably.

Well, G-Spot would be like people would automatically assume, you know, he earned that nickname then.

Who would assume that, though?

Strangers.

But people who don't know him would be like, new new listeners.

You would be like, oh, shit, your nickname is G-Spot.

Yeah.

Who's this G-Spot?

And why?

Many people couldn't find me, and some people wouldn't believe I ever existed.

That's fine.

Everybody's loving them, though.

Fucking the G-Spot, baby.

He knows what he's doing.

What do you like better?

You like G-Man or G-Spot?

Whatever moves you.

All right.

What about Giddem?

What if you just stick with Gidem?

That was already my nickname.

This is the nickname for the nickname.

All right.

Okay.

So we'll just dive right in, right?

um

okay i'm offered the ability to turn into any animal that i would like for the rest of my life to and fro like beast boy i could turn into a hawk one day a horse another day okay i'm offered the ability to turn into any animal that i that i would like for the rest of my life but i would only able to get an erection while in animal form in human form Flaccid.

I am a soft limp dick for the rest of my days, and no amount of Blue Chew will help me.

No, Blue Chew probably would would, because they're still a sponsor, right?

Maybe.

No, they're not sponsored.

Okay, fuck them then.

This is magic, man.

You know, like Blue Chew can't even help me.

We got the knot off from our

person who handles our ads, and Blue Chew is no longer with us.

So

fuck them.

They still wouldn't work.

Right.

So if I'm an eagle, I can get an eagle erection.

Right.

I can't get any more human erections.

Do birds get erected?

There's something that's bothering me here.

What's bothering me?

There's a blinking light, and I don't know why.

Yeah, so it's choosing between this line and a USB end.

Okay.

You're not worrying about it all right now.

It's recording?

Yeah, it's all good.

Okay, good.

I don't want to go through the next fucking 45 minutes.

I'm going to put it back on that line because that's how it's been the whole time, so I might just keep it on.

But I think that's all it is.

You want to turn it off?

I just don't want to mess anything up.

I think it is.

I know the feeling.

You know what I mean?

Yeah,

bad move for the C-Man.

I mean, these are all good.

This is good.

C-Spot.

I love that.

C-Man and G-Spot.

Oh, yeah.

The red one.

This is the master.

Say goodbye to Brad.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, okay.

Got you.

Sweet.

Cool.

Hold on.

Dynamic duo.

So, but

you're not sure, though, if birds could get erections, though.

Well, whatever.

I guess sex is an animal.

But I'm just saying, in the real world, though, any bird watching, you haven't seen any erections yet?

No, I haven't.

I imagine they have to, right?

I don't know.

Okay.

Oh, yeah, I never really thought about birds.

Well, he's also,

but going to what his scenario is, he loves animals, absolutely adores them.

I mean,

he cares more about strange animals than human beings.

I think he'd love to be an animal.

I think he's kinky enough that he'd want to have sex with a human as an animal.

Like a furry?

No, no.

If he was an animal, I think he, I don't know who he could convince, though, to

help him out as an animal and fuck him with his his heart like every animal he is has a fucking raging heart on

i would i would i would be like i would meet girls in like bars or whatever and and just find out if they're down for fucking a horse or something like that

well i mean you you have to probably go south of the border to fucking these uh to find these ladies who are into that but uh yeah i think you'd have to be like bars around a veterinary clinic something like that or well like a horse bar a horse bar we were just talking about like you remember you were i was asking you why are girls so into horses and tell us your theory oh they just like that big thing between their, you know, that big amount of muscle between their legs.

Said this with 100% like, this is why.

Oh, yeah.

They like all that power right there.

You have heard that, right?

That girls are really into horses.

Like, if, like,

girls always want to own a horse?

Always?

I mean, I know women who own horses.

Right, but more so than it's the thing that like girls tend to grab, like young girls.

But if you're if you're a horse owner, you're, you're in love with horses.

If you're Oh, no, no, not necessarily.

I think you were saying, like, if you're

a female, you either love horses or you don't really care about horses, one of the two.

It usually, and yeah, I've noticed that from like, you know, past girlfriends I've had with the farm and everything, right?

Yeah.

But you will never be the number one love in their life.

The number one love in their life will always be their horse.

Then it's whoever pays for the horse, and then you're third.

Let's get back to Q.

Some barn humor.

You just dropped on us.

Oh, it is totally true.

Right, yeah, yeah.

Right now, there's a few people like fucking nodding their head

listening to this.

We're probably in Oklahoma, Texas.

In a prison somewhere.

Let's get back, though, to

you becoming Beast Boy.

Now, are you able to think as this animal?

Yeah.

Speak?

Or no?

And you have limited time.

Not speak.

Yeah, I think let's not, you know.

Would you speak like in this?

Sorry, George.

Can you read it one more time?

I was so distracted by this board.

Okay.

I'm offered the ability to turn into any animal that I would like for the rest of my life.

Not permanently.

I could change into a hawk one day or

deer the next.

Deer the next.

But I'd only be able to ever get an erection while in animal form.

In human form,

I'm a soft limp dick for the rest of my days, and no amount of blue chew will help me.

Gotcha.

Okay.

Yeah.

I can fuck while an animal.

Right.

I guess I could fuck other animals.

Right.

But and you, you have.

Would you want to?

I wouldn't want to.

I thank you, though, for answering that, honestly.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to fuck other animals.

But if I can convince a chick, according to get them everyone,

to have sex with me in human form, that would probably still be pretty good for me.

Does an erection trigger the change?

No.

No, no.

It's a conscious choice.

But,

you know, in human form, nothing.

Dead.

Dead, huh?

Dead?

Dead.

Not even a twitching dick.

I want Brian to go first.

Do you want me to go first?

Because he's closest to you.

I want to see how he leans.

So it's either no sex,

sex with the person while I'm an animal, or sex with animals are my only options for the rest of my life.

How old are you?

40.

I turned 46 on Monday.

Yeah, you probably, it's not that important to him anymore, probably.

No, I can confirm it's important to me.

Yeah, I was going to say, I don't think you're right about that.

Which is why I would lean towards, I agree.

I think he's like, especially lately,

I've found that he's very into

very into animals.

Like even like inconsequential animals, like squirrels and shit.

Like Mary Beth is the same way.

Like we went for a walk the other day down the Hudson Trail, and I had to tell her at a certain point, I'm like, I don't want to hear any more of these voices when you see a squirrel.

Holy shit.

There's a billion squirrels out there, man.

They all look the fucking same.

Stumpy doesn't

uh

q winced when you said in inconsequential yeah

he didn't like that

consequential to who

but

he would become fucking

he could go on tour turning into animals i mean his his bank account would fucking rise substantially as the man who could turn into an animal the mannable

what is a man who gains the world but loses his penis yeah

then is he putting on live sex shows?

Well, I mean, maybe that's towards when people have grown tired of him.

He's like Jake LaMata at the end of his career.

Sitting on a stool and just fucking talking about what he used to fuck as a human.

But yeah, I want to see you weigh in this one first, and then I'll might take.

Yeah, as much as he likes animals, as much as I believe he would like to turn into an animal at time to avoid human beings,

I believe he would keep his ability.

Keep the penis.

Keep the

status quo, not turning into animals.

He's not turning into an animal.

I think he's a man who loves to experience new sensations.

How long have you been active?

In that way?

In that way?

Yeah.

14?

I mean, he's never been.

I mean, this would be the only time he'd be able to turn into an animal and experience what life feels like as a different species.

I think that would be the allure of that may

be enough to make him go, like, I've been doing the other thing for decades.

I got to look for some new kicks.

Yeah, man, I need

a new giddy up.

I need a new way to

feel alive.

But then he's fucked if he doesn't like it.

How many species are out there, though?

Yeah, you could be a fish one day.

You could be a bird.

There's also near-human-like animals, like greater apes, chimpanzees.

Sure.

I could turn into a chimpanzee and shave myself, I guess.

How long does it let you?

You could stay

the animal as long as you want.

Yeah, it's at will.

It's a pretty cool power.

I got to admit that.

What do you think for it?

I think he goes for it.

Why?

Because it's a cool new power.

It's a sensation.

Like, he can fly through the air.

Yeah,

the ability to experience flight over just fucking shooting yet another load.

Yeah.

Who cares?

I thought you were going to say an episode of IJ.

And given the popular.

I've got to shoot that load for fucking as many years as they let me allow.

And given the popularity of sites like Bad Dragon, where you can buy animal-shaped,

there are, there would be tons of women just banging at his door wanting to.

It's a site called Bad Dragon.

What do they offer?

It started out with dragon-shaped dildos, but now it's progressed to other members of the animal kingdom.

All right.

So you're saying there will be some.

I like that because

dragons part of the animal kingdom.

Well, that's how they started, but they've they've since, you know, to dolphins,

there's like dolphins.

So is he

still cue from?

It's me, yeah.

I can't talk, but it's it's me.

So you know there'll be a segment of his audience that would be like, I don't care if he is,

you know, like a smelly fucking anteater.

I'm still going to let him go down on me.

Oh, totally.

Yeah.

I think that segment of the audience exists right now.

Right, but like, as a man, though, I mean, you know, I'm not going to feel great about myself.

I'm going to feel like

what is my purpose of being of a human?

I think he's going animal, bro.

Yeah, I think he's going animal just because it's going to be so

new.

Like, no one on the face of the earth will have ever experienced anything like this.

Well, some have.

I've seen the videos online.

Not from the animal.

Wait, what?

Oh, yeah.

You never heard of it.

Like, turning into an animal?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm just saying people having.

Never heard of what?

Sex with animals.

Like Mr.

Hands, that kind of stuff.

What?

It was a famous case of a guy who died in Washington.

He perforated coal and I was.

Oh, the horse guy.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

Jesus.

Yeah, but you're too confused.

He's not having sex with animals.

He's not taking it.

I am.

Yeah, you are the animal.

I'm saying is that there's human beings who are willing to engage.

Okay.

Yeah.

And the fact that it's going to be a sentient animal that isn't going to go like crazy.

Okay.

Is there any animal that you would be like, I'm probably, I don't want to turn into that.

Ooh.

Like that.

One with rabies.

no i you know i think i probably

up looking though but how cool would it be to be like an optic i could do it for an hour i could just get in there and like do it and see then if you don't like it you can back up yeah but you can never be a human again no no you can go back no i can go back oh but no yeah just my just like right right that's what i meant you can't go back to a normal human being like one that can use sex and shit no right it's it's limpic forever right isn't there a famous like

tour groupie thing that involves a

detect somewhere

okay I thought I remember hearing a story about some groupie with the rock tour with an octopus.

All right.

All right, look, we got nine more of these together.

You're talking about the best.

I don't know.

You're going animal.

Animal.

Bryce

staying the same.

He's not going to take that power on.

I'm going to go animal.

Okay.

Wow, this is for to be my best friend.

What I said was I would take the animal superpower and find freaky chicks into animals.

I knew you would.

I knew you would.

I knew you have that built-in audience.

It's like,

any possibility, any way I got to be with Q, I'll take it.

I think that's a, but not as a bird or like as an octopus.

Well, I'm sure he's going to take on like maybe the

form of like a big fucking great ape with a fucking massive

dingdon.

Right.

The silverback.

Well, my thinking was like.

But you still got the ass of that fucking ping.

Oh, that battled that red ass.

Just would ever let her see you from behind.

Ruined the mood.

That's my rule now, anyway.

So it's something different.

Yeah, my thing was like, look, man, like nobody in the human experience has ever turned into an animal.

I will get to do that.

How is that not better?

Than sex at this point.

Than sex, right?

Yeah.

I knew it, man.

I felt it.

I could see it in your eye when you were talking about it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For me to get them are

so far one and one.

We're zero.

We're on our one.

One of us is on the way.

What comes with being your best friend?

Anything different?

What will come with winning your version?

When's the next WrestleMania?

That's April 2nd.

All right, good one.

All right, nice start.

Okay.

Here's an easy one, I think.

Would I rather get bonked on the head and forget the past 10 years of my life, or get bonked on my head and forget that Sal even exists?

I'm not sure

this scenario coming up, like you came up with this.

Is there something in the last 10 years that you really want to forget?

No.

Subconsciously, is there something you're like, man, I wish I could forget?

I wish I could put that in there.

The last 10 years of life were probably the best 10 years of my life.

Right.

So it seems like...

Or forget that I ever met Sal, that I know Sal, that even exists.

So

when you go to work on Monday, you're like, who's this guy?

Yeah, I wouldn't have any connection to him whatsoever.

But the other scenario is he didn't show up for work because he forgot that he was on IJ.

Right.

And he calls Sal and he's like, where are you at?

I'm at work.

Where are you at?

Because you still know Sal.

Yeah.

You just know him.

From 10 years ago.

Well, not, I wish, but

no, we're 36.

Yeah, no.

Yeah.

I think this one's pretty cool.

I feel he would.

He could, though,

really dig

becoming friends anew with Sal, though.

He could dig that experience.

Or we've grown so different as people that the bonds that keep us together, because a lifetime of friendship won't be formed now.

You don't want to take that chance, right?

Who would?

That's right.

But 10 years ago, I would still remember him as my boy.

Right.

So you wouldn't remember any of the IJ stuff.

You wouldn't remember any of the tell him Steve Dave stuff.

Now you're still going to get it.

And all of that.

What would be the downfall?

You'd still have your sense of humor.

You'd still be the same person.

You just say, hey,

come down.

He wouldn't get funny references like C-Man and G-Spot.

I wouldn't remember Get him at all.

And his comedy from 10 years ago might be problematic nowadays.

I wouldn't even know if I.

You can't say that?

What can I say?

I think there'd be like a 51st States type scenario where you forget Sal, but there's a way to kind of like show you a videotape and you could re-catch up to speed for those past 10 years.

Yeah, you could watch IJ, all the DVDs, all the seasons.

And you'd think that I would be able to just jump into that.

No, no, no, it's not necessarily to jump into a thing, but it's a starting point.

Okay.

Yeah.

I think the universe, though,

that you guys are like intertwined.

So like no matter what happens at the end,

you're going to connect.

And like, let's say you have that chasm, chasm, chasm, for like that, you forget, but you guys will quickly reconnect, though, even if you didn't remember him at all.

I think that's

existence now is so different from 10 years ago.

Oh, really?

Like, Sal's an extremely busy guy.

Yeah, you would have more of an insight to this.

Sal's a busy guy.

He does a lot of like

outside projects.

I can't go on YouTube without seeing Sal's face.

He's fucking everywhere.

So what are you weighing in on?

Again, I'm going to take my P's and Qs from you.

Yeah, I think

this is a tough one.

I feel like he wouldn't want to forget Sal.

I feel like he wouldn't want to forget any of his good friends.

But he would rather forget the last 10 years, though.

And everybody that I met.

and became friends with.

Right, yeah, that's true, too.

So are they all worth more than Sal?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Has he garnered any real

super significant relationships that he couldn't bear to lose over Sal, not knowing Sal?

I say he's going to go with Sal as well.

He's going to go with the one where he remembers Sal and forgets the last 10 years?

Yeah.

I'm going to say he forgets Sal.

And you're going to go with the other one.

You'd rather forget.

You'd rather forget Sal existed and remember the last 10 years.

Now, how that's going to blame it if you remember.

No, you just don't remember you thought that.

It's like a blind.

Like, I try to think about that, and my brain just won't.

It's just a damage man.

Wait a minute, though.

It feels like this is a trick question.

It does, right?

Because

if he can remember the last 10 years, he's going to remember Sal.

No, that's just going to be the one black hole.

Yes.

Okay.

Yeah.

I remember all the events, but not Sal.

Who's this guy that keeps talking over me?

Yeah.

I think the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one.

So he.

Who are the needs of the many?

Everybody else he's met and

has interacted with him and he's helped.

And

he's had an impact on their life.

Because, you know, not realizing that you had an impact on someone's life, I think, is

would be tough.

10 years.

I'm going to go agree with that, too.

I'm going to go, all of us are going to agree with you'd rather forget.

No, I'm going to go with the you'd rather forget the last 10 years and remain friends with Sal.

I'm going to go with that.

So you're saying keep the 10 years.

I mean, keep Sal, lose the 10 years.

Yes.

He's saying.

I'm saying lose Sal, keep the 10 years.

I'm saying lose Sal because you can still reconnect.

If you didn't have that caveat in there, then they could too.

Yeah.

Walt's got it.

I'd rather lose 10 years of my life

and remember my friendship with Sal.

Have you thought this through?

I have.

I have thought it through more than you think.

Well, my think being like, if I woke up from 10 years ago to now,

like if somebody told me everything that I had done for the past 10 years,

it would be such an awesome surprise.

I'd be like, holy fuck, this is my life?

Like, I'd go from being like, you know, a 36-year-old fireman to suddenly being like here now.

I'd still get to come here and do...

None of it would go away.

I just wouldn't remember it.

So I would still have the fucking, you know, all the accoutrements that I've gotten.

It would all be new and a surprise to me.

Whereas I can't give up my friendship with Sal.

Well, you wouldn't be giving it up.

You would just be restarting.

If you could.

Yeah, it wouldn't be.

You just don't know that you can.

You know know what I mean?

You just don't know you can.

Damn, Walt, you're on fire.

On fire.

Walt two, Grenham one, Brian Zero.

That's surprising, right out of the gate.

You know, he's 0 for 2.

Big Bri.

He is, but that's all right.

He's flustered by the sound.

It really did fuck me up.

It stopped blinking now.

All right,

let me give you one more in the realm of like, I think you guys will get this one a little bit better.

Not better.

Any more bestiality?

Not as of yet.

There is an alien one involving sex.

You want to hear that one?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

An alien lands in my yard, right, and approaches me.

It explains that it can give me secrets that will extend all human life on planet Earth by 10 years.

So everybody is going to live 10 years longer.

And all I have to do is make love to him for a night.

Also, I notice he has a space cold sore on his lips, and he insists on kissing while we make whoopy.

Do I extend?

Wait, wait, read that again.

Okay.

Read that again.

There's a very key point in what you just said that.

Read that exactly as you read it.

Okay.

Also, I noticed he has a space cold sore on his lips and he insists.

He.

So this is this is

my mistake here.

You have to participate.

Well, we're not the same species.

Right, but it's yeah.

Okay.

Oh, it's definitely he.

That's been written.

I also notice he has a cold, a space cold sore on his lips and he insists on kissing while we make whoopee.

Do I extend all life on Earth by

10 years?

Well, including my own.

Let me throw this out.

I mean, like

all the great space heroes who saved the world and the cosmos over and over again, Captain Kirk, Luke Skywalker, Buck Rogers, Flash Gordon,

to save everybody, to give everybody 10 years of life.

Healthy years, 10 years.

Healthy years.

And all they got to do is make love.

With a space cold sore on it.

They would do it.

That's what a hero does.

But the medical knowledge is going to be.

Yeah, I would assume that the medical knowledge for the cold sore treatment would be there.

It's not going to 10 years.

It can't kill him for at least 10 years.

You You don't have that information when you're in your back fucking yard and there's an alien there with a bunch of people.

Well, this is what I'm going to present it with.

And just to be sure, we're talking about an extraterrestrial alien.

Yeah, it's definitely an alien.

It looks vaguely human.

But yeah, it's a dude alien.

It's got all the markings of a dude.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

It's a fucking dude alien with a space cold sword.

You're a fireman.

You have so many people on the earth that are growing older now that you would want to be able to

you know, say that you gave them 10 more extra years of healthy life, your parents,

all your loved ones, and you were too hung up on seeing some space alien junk that you didn't.

I don't think you have that kind of guilt on your conscience.

Well, and a space cold sore.

And a space.

I don't, yeah, I don't even think the cold sword.

You would look past that.

Yeah, I think you'd get past that.

A space cold sore.

I mean,

you're a firefighter.

You have those special guards and sheets and everything.

You just see what's happening.

A dental dam.

He wants to go right up to the bedroom.

Yeah, it's happening.

It's happening.

You're going to have

space coitus.

Yeah, space coitus.

And it's going to be amazing.

And the whole time you're doing it, you're just going to be like, you know, you're doing this for the sake of the world.

And the world will.

Do you know what kind of parades they'll be thrown for you?

The Canyon of Heroes.

It's going to look a lot different as you're sitting there.

Everyone's cheering you on.

You're just sitting there.

You know, people are going to be like, look at that guy.

He sucks a green dick.

He's got a fucking Martian dick.

What's up with his face?

You had to do all the bells and whistles?

Oh, bells and whistles are given 10 years, everybody, man.

Yeah.

So you just laid there, just kind of like, you know, went through the motion.

Just took it.

It's like, yeah, it's all night.

He wanted to space bottom.

Yeah.

I'm going to say you're still going to do it.

Still going to do it.

You care too much about the people you love

to be that hung up.

All right.

And like you said,

that cold sore isn't going to kill you.

Yeah.

Well, we don't know.

For 10 years.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right about that.

You're right about that.

All right.

I think that if it were a regular human female, he would pump the brakes at a cold sore.

Really?

But 10 years?

He's very germphobic about that kind of stuff.

Yeah.

He just thinks, he doesn't really know if it's just part of their species that have this.

All these aliens have this.

No, you got to accept the facts as they are.

And I don't think, even if, I don't think he cares about people enough, like in general,

even his loved ones.

He's going to be the most selfish man on the planet, and he's going to be targeted as

kind of homophobic.

I was going to say,

I don't think it was a human being.

Yeah, like,

what if he offends this creature, this man, and he's like, oh, yeah, you know what?

Fuck you.

Now everyone's 10 years deader.

It takes a lot of everybody.

Well, that's not debtor.

148.

right there.

He removes 10 years of our lives.

10 years dead of it.

Help me put the words in the right order.

And I think that he would even draw the line at like some dude in his backyard, like some magic dude, let alone a fucking alien with a cold sore.

I feel like...

Go for two, though.

I know I am.

My intuition has been off today, but I still think he's going to be like, nah,

no, no way.

Hard pass.

I think every time he talks talks to someone like his mom, his dad, and you know,

he would be like, I could have gave him 10 years.

Yeah, but like 10 years, like

let's say his mom is 90 and now she's going to grow to be 100 years.

He's not going to be here.

They're healthy.

Oh, they're healthy ears.

He's gone, man.

He is going down and he's doing it for us.

He's doing it for a little bit.

Those ankles will be around his ears.

He is doing it for us.

Like I said, now he's in the same pantheon as Luke Skywalker.

Flash Gordon.

Buck Rogers.

Buck Rogers.

Kathleen Catherine Kirk.

Louis Pastor.

Now, granted, you know, it's not as macho as those guys.

A certain segment of the world is going to fucking mock me everywhere I go.

But you'll get

sitting in this room.

You can walk into any bar in any

town in America, in the world, and you're going to get a drink for what you did.

Okay.

They wouldn't drink out of the same glass.

Yeah, they throw the cup away.

Oh, Oh, yeah, definitely.

What do you think, Adam?

Oh, I think

he's going for that space love.

I think I'm taking the space love.

Yeah.

I'm giving it.

All right.

Well, Brian's on the board because I said no fucking way.

It's a cold sore, right?

Yeah, it was a cold sore.

No, it was everything.

I was like, fuck these people.

I'm not taking this shit out my ass because I've seen people 10 years.

Like, fuck them.

Oh, yeah.

It just couldn't happen, man.

It wasn't.

The cold sore was thrown in there to really confuse the issue, but I couldn't do it, Walt.

But if you know, maybe if you had the caveat, maybe he also said it would also be the greatest orgasm you ever had.

Well, yeah, nah, I probably still wouldn't feel comfortable like partying.

Now you're talking relative orgasms.

I just felt like, look, man, 10 years is.

You could bump it up to 100 years, maybe we'll start talking about that.

Well, it's a starting point for future advances.

Really, I thought about it and I was like, but I've seen what most people are doing with their time.

So it's like, like, I'm not going to fucking do this so that they could fucking waste their fucking lives even more.

Forget about it.

So, like, an hour

of something that you're really not into over

is not worthy of 10 years.

That's right.

In a world.

Well, it was a night.

It was make love for a night.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

But either way, no.

That one surprises me.

Yeah.

I thought for sure that you would see the

weight of this, of the, what, you know, this moment.

Oh, I saw it.

Heroes have to make that decision

immediately.

Yeah, he made it.

Luke Skywalker fucking fires at the lightsaber.

Flash Gordon pulls out the raid gun.

Yeah.

You just got to get him.

I suck that Elliot's dead.

Well, Luke kissed his sister, so we got to throw that in there.

Okay.

All right.

So

two to one.

You're still leading.

Yeah.

Two, one, one.

Oh, no.

I thought he had two as well.

No, he had one.

Oh, okay.

I'm still on the lead here.

All right.

Yeah.

Okay.

Here we go.

I'm speeding along in my Wrangler, and the brakes go, right?

And I only have time.

I can only do one of three things.

I can make a turn to the right, left, or keep going straight and crash into a wall.

Okay.

If I turn right, there's a baby carriage containing baby Paul Pot, the Cambodian dictator, and a bunch of kittens, including baby Benjamin Cat.

Oh, no.

If I go right, I slam into a carriage containing baby Hitler, but also baby Giddam.

If I do nothing, I slam into the wall and die, and everybody lives but me.

What do I do?

So you go right, it's Pol Pot and kittens, including Benjamin.

Yeah.

You go left, it's Hitler, Baby Hitler, and Baby Giddam.

Yeah.

Straight on at you.

It's me.

Yeah.

This is present day?

Present day.

Okay.

I think.

How is it present day if they're all babies?

Time travel.

Yeah.

What's that alien?

The fuck's capacitor in my Wrangler.

Oh, man.

I don't think he's going to.

I don't think he's killing himself.

All right.

So I'm going to

eliminate that one.

Yeah.

So you got Pol Pot and Baby Benjamin.

Hitler and baby Gidem.

Now, this is designed to, like, are you going to look at it from the prism of the dictators or the people that are tired?

Yeah.

Is Gatam more interact?

Is Giddam more important than Benjamin?

Is the question.

It's a great question.

See, but I think most people don't even know who Pol Pot is.

So you're not going to get that credit as if you kill Baby Hitler, at least if you kill Ben.

Cambodia might want to have a work on that.

But how about baby Pitland?

Maybe the general public are just like, he killed who?

How about baby Putin?

But if you kill baby Hitler again, you're again probably parade, canyon of heroes, all that stuff.

Right, right.

But, you know, you got, you know, also got taken out my boy

G-spotted.

And is a life without me really worth living?

Right.

This is a tough one because I have reason to believe

that he's going to swerve left

and take out Hitler and baby Giddam.

But it would be difficult for him to say it to Gidem right here and now.

I don't think it would be.

Based upon the last time we played this game, he told me he would not.

He said that I was crazy for letting you know cooper right that's what i'm thinking brady so he would be very hypocritical for him now to be like well i'm gonna save

giddem and let and if and if he's

and if he saves benjamin cat he's gonna be dead

right who will be dead

i'm saying is if he's if if he you know swears and hits benjamin cat no if you're saying if he goes straight ahead he's dead so there is no benjamin cat at all yeah so that's and i gotta tell you when i was at the wrestling party the look of love in this guy's eyes, he kept looking at that cat.

The Benjamin Cats walking around,

making the rounds and shit.

Yeah, he really is into this cat.

Big time.

It's like you and Cooper.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Tom Brady's not in this scenario.

No, no.

There's no Tom Brady in any of these scenarios.

Well, he's kind of like me.

Oh, man.

Based solely upon

when we played the game last time and your reaction to my scenario with Cooper and Tom Brady, I'm going to have to go with you're going to mow down, Giddem, and Hitler.

Mow down, Giddam, and Hitler.

They're both babies in the same carousel, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

We can't tell which one's who, right?

There's no little mustache and save Hitler.

Yeah, there's no way to save him.

If Hitler dies, Gidham dies.

Yeah.

I'm going to go with baby Hitler.

Save the kitten.

Yeah, I think you're going to.

If I'm to believe how fervent you were and how you were so sure of what you said two weeks ago that you would not choose a human being over your cat, I'm going with Hitler.

Okay.

Unfortunately, you know.

Plus, the world will fucking benefit big time.

You know, yes,

we may lose an office coach, but

six million people are going to live.

Yeah, true, true.

It takes the sting out of it.

And like I said, you're going, no one's going to really know who you ran over in Pol Pot.

Like, the world doesn't recognize Pol Pot on the same level as Hitler.

That's for sure.

So, I think you're going to get a lot of accolades, a lot of fucking pats on the back, a lot of fucking, again, beer bought for you at any bar you walk into across America.

Still got my cat, still got your cat, lots of Manischewits, all that stuff.

And they're also like, Pol Pot, I don't know who the fuck that is, but he saved a kitten.

Yeah.

Yeah, I have to agree with you, Waltz, just based on

how emphatic he was about, like, there's no fucking game.

And he wanted, no

get him in here, too.

Like, he wanted to be.

He wanted to play this game.

I think from this moment alone, he'd be like, I'd let you die.

Wow.

A normal person would be like, I don't want him in the room when I said that.

Don't tell him I said that.

Oh, look at his eyes.

Sit him across from me.

Sit him across.

You're less important than a cat.

What do you think, Giddam?

I say, mow me down like your front lawn.

Wow.

Three say I take out Giddem.

And Hitler.

And Hitler.

And Hitler.

Let's not forget Hitler.

You are all

correct.

And it wasn't based on the cat.

It was based on the amount of people that Hitler killed versus the amount of people.

Pol Put only killed about 2 million people.

Hitler killed over six.

So if I take him out, even if it means losing my look, if it was between the kitten and you, Giddem, I'd probably...

I'd probably have to save you, I guess.

But that's why I threw

the amount of deaths here.

And there's no way I was going to die.

The PR you're going to get from this is going to be amazing.

It's going to put you up into another stratosphere online.

Followers, likes, all that shit.

But by killing baby Hitler, dude,

by killing baby Hitler, that means Hitler never existed, and so they don't know the history.

Oh, yeah, there's that, you know,

the butterfly effect.

But I think

public relation-wise, you're better off killing a baby than you want to kill.

Yeah, it could be just he killed two babies.

What a monster.

No parade for you.

All right.

So the score, Walt, you're up by one, three, two, and two.

Yep.

Can I ask real quickly, you keep a reference in Canyon of Heroes.

What is that?

I'm not familiar with the term.

Downtown New York City.

It's where they throw the parades in between the skyscrapers.

Okay.

Oh, like when the Yankees went or something like that.

That's right.

Okay.

All right.

I go to Stacey Patella's apartment to pick her up to go to a movie.

She needs a minute, so I sit on a couch to wait, and I noticed a Polaroid face down on the floor.

I lift it, and it's a picture of her naked that her current bow took.

Do I snap a pic and put it back down?

Snap a pic with my phone, put it back face down, pretend I never saw it, or avert my eyes instantly and put it back as if I never saw it.

That's a tough one because you're saying avert my eyes instantly.

Yeah, you're getting no joy out of that photo.

Where's the other one?

You're taking a little silveneer.

This one's real tough, though.

It's a moral twin?

This one's real tough because there's really nothing I could base this on.

Well, it's versatile.

It's based on, yeah, like what type of person he is and what type of person he's allowing people to know he is.

Because the answer could very well be like, oh, I'd snap that picture in a second, but you wouldn't admit to it.

I will say that that is completely absent from all these answers.

Oh, no, I don't think so.

I don't think that's a good question.

That was not a consideration of these answers.

Just so you know.

So you don't have to weigh that in as to what I think people.

I don't make myself look good in a bunch of reasons, so don't worry about that.

Well, yeah,

really you don't want that alien one.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah.

But that's brave of you, though.

At least you're going, you know, you're putting yourself out there to be scrutinized on Quinny's choice.

What do you think, Brian?

Because I really, really want to go off what you say.

And I will give you one thing and say, current age me, not 19-year-old me, where we all fucking know I was taking a picture of that picture.

It's a little bit more up in the air, right?

Yeah,

I think he has more respect for people now than, say,

like you said, like 20 years ago, 25 years ago.

It's rough.

You're right.

It's a very tough one.

Because especially since he's like, he's not even like, I linger on it for a little while.

I check it out.

I get it burned into my brain.

I put it back down again.

Is that the dog she's snoring?

His face is on the carpet.

He's not like

emblazoning it on his brain or anything.

I think.

She'll never know.

She'll never know.

I know.

No one will ever know.

I'm not going to show it to anybody.

So if I do take the picture and save it in my phone, it's, you know, my, you know, it's for the archives.

for you?

Right.

I do, I do believe that.

I believe that if you took it, you wouldn't show anyone.

Yeah.

I think he snaps it.

Okay.

Yeah, I think he snaps it.

Yeah.

I say no.

I don't snap the photo.

No, because the memory of just a little glimpse you caught is just going to get better and better and better versus that picture is going to age.

You're going to look at that picture one day and you're going to spot something.

It's all you're going to be able to fixate on from then on.

Oh, okay.

But it's like when you finally remember a cartoon from like your youth and you watch it again and you're like,

it was so much more vivid

in my mind.

And you say he took the picture?

I think he does.

I mean, it doesn't make him look too great.

But

going off, like,

what I know of this is what I know of.

I believe he would snap the picture.

This is a tough one.

This is the hardest one so far.

Yeah, it is because

I'm also going on the maturity thing because I agree with you.

I considered the maturity thing and then dismissed it.

And that and having respect for the other person of knowing kind of like what their wishes more than likely would be.

If she wished for him not to see it, she wouldn't be leaving it around.

You got to be more careful with your polarization.

Which, Which, by the way, when I ran this by her to be like, Do you care if I say this?

Her only concern was like, I don't want people to think that I have shit laying around.

So you're dead on on that one.

I'm going to say, You're not going to take the picture.

Not take the picture.

Two for no, one for yes.

All right.

Brian, it's looking less and less good for you, my friend.

Damn.

I almost lean towards that other side, too.

I feel like I would always have a very, even when I was a young man, I wouldn't have taken the picture.

Yeah,

I feel

I've always had a better man than me.

Yeah, man, you know, I'm not saying it would have been easy and I wouldn't have questioned it later in my life, but I do think I

so Walt, four, get him three,

Ryan, two, two.

All right, I gotta mount my comeback.

Yeah, all right.

We'll get a little more fantastic on this one.

I've been cursed by a fortune teller.

The curse is every time I pick up a piece of paper, I get a paper cut, no matter what paper it is.

Receipts, this fucking card, money.

Always get a paper cut every day.

Money, oh gosh, man.

I ended up able to touch money anymore.

Right, but you could use credit cards.

There you go.

And coins.

Right.

Right.

That's convenient.

Yeah.

A sack of coins with you everywhere.

Have you seen my pockets?

Now I could rid myself of this curse by making Tim, the record store clerk, only hear Smash Mouth when he hears music.

So for the rest of his life, he'll only be able to hear Smash Mouth.

He'll never know I did it.

And he can pass that curse on to someone else.

This is so easy.

You are not going to fucking cut

time and touch money.

You can easily just be like that guy you met one time at episode 500.

That's how little you think I think.

I don't think you knew that.

But he had music is his life.

But he could pass it on.

He could pass it on.

The caveat, he could pass it on.

You think he doesn't meet like a jerk customer at that store that he could be?

Okay, all right.

But the curse wouldn't be the same curse.

It evolves for each person.

But he still loses his curse.

He still loses his curse, but he might be putting a horrible curse on someone else.

And he can always pass it on.

There's no way you're going to get a fucking paper cut.

You'll be just covered with paper cuts for the rest of your life.

Yeah.

Because

if you won't take a dick in the ass, to say

to save

the world for 10 years, there's no way you're taking paper cuts every time you touch a piece of paper.

Every time someone hands you a photograph to autograph, you'd be getting cut.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Poor Tim has got to hear a smash mouth.

Does it change it if I take out that he could pass the curse on?

It would have changed it, yeah, but you already said it already.

It's too late.

Somebody once told us

he was going to roll us.

He would not like their music.

Yeah.

Brian, what do you think?

I'm with you guys.

I think.

Wow.

All you think I just say fuck Tim?

Yeah.

I know it wouldn't be passed on.

Without that comment.

And he's in this same fucking situation that I'm in.

I got Emp Dor.

Yeah.

All right, you all got that one.

Fuck him.

Okay, all right.

How many more do we got here?

Okay, this one, the scenario I didn't come up with.

It's from

an Adam Sandler joke, but I turned it into a scenario because I think it's fucking funny.

Okay?

All right.

I'm taking a picture of my dick to send to a lucky lady.

Okay?

As I'm going through the pictures to select the most impressive shot, I notice that a ghost has been captured in one of the pictures.

The problem is that the picture with the ghost is a really bad angle that makes my dick look kind of gnarly and small.

Do I share evidence of the afterlife with people or bury it because I don't like the way my dick looks?

So do I prove to all of humanity that the afterlife really exists, change the course of human history.

This could be a trick of lighting as well.

No, it's a ghost.

That's the thing.

It's a ghost.

It's three men and a baby ghost, me.

It's a fucking ghost, right?

It's not ectoplasm from the

focus of the shot.

But, like, my dick, it is not my dick at its best.

Yeah.

Whenever they're going to post the photo, though.

Yeah.

Except maybe a very prestigious journal, it's going to be blurred or pixelated.

Yeah, but come on.

The internet.

You know, that photo gets out, and that's the end of that.

That's gone.

That's not a reality.

The reality is everybody sees my dick and is like, it's kind of small.

Well, you might be afraid because of the ghost.

I couldn't sell on small or gnarly, so I just wanted to be small and gnarly.

You use gnarly twice now.

What would a gnarly dick look like?

Well, it's like, you know, it's a gnarly.

Let me show you.

What is a gnarly thing?

It's like maybe bent to the side so the skin's all bunched up, so it looks like maybe it has a rash.

You know what I mean?

Eczema.

Yeah, it's like it just doesn't, the lighting's banned.

How selfish is a man who can prove the afterlife?

Yeah.

That he's so worried about what his cock looks like that he's going to keep that a secret from the world.

So you know what you would do?

But if he pixels.

If he himself pixelates it, then it'll be thrown into question.

So you can't pixelate it.

You can't just cry.

You don't have to.

No.

The ghost is like, he's like, part of it goes over it.

He's generating logic.

Still see him.

See through him.

Still see the

gnarly looking dick.

I don't believe he would want that to get out.

If he wouldn't say put 10 years onto everyone's lifespan,

he's not going to fucking want to be the guy that proved the existence of ghosts at his own expense, though.

I mean, could he be so vain and superficial?

But I mean, it changes the course.

It's not 10 years on everybody's life.

It changes humanity forever.

What?

The ghost, the proof of the afterlife.

I don't know.

Most people still wouldn't believe it.

And then all they would believe is like, can you believe fuck Q from Practical Joker's dick?

Yeah, gnarly, right?

Gnarly's dick ever.

The only thing more vain than him was his dick.

Yeah, yeah, like nasty.

Right.

But it could bring a lot of comfort to people to know that the afterlife exists.

Nope, he's not showing it.

Doesn't it normally bring a lot of comfort to people?

What do you think, Bry?

I already know.

He's not showing it.

I'm leaning towards you, agreeing with you.

Agree with me.

Yeah, I just feel that you would also weigh and you you would be like, you know, half the world's going to believe it.

Half are going to be, you know, on the fence, be like, if they don't believe, they need more proof.

And all I'm going to hear about is

the sight of my gnarly dick.

I don't want to deal with this constantly.

So, you know, to prove to some people who have to be believers anyway, because I wouldn't believe it, you know, just on a sight of a picture.

All you'd see is that dick.

Yeah.

They're tricking me into looking at a gnarly dick.

Exactly.

Yeah.

I don't think he's showing it.

Yeah, I don't think he's showing it either.

Wow.

Oh, he's showing it.

Yeah.

Wow.

Get him.

Big up showing it.

Yeah.

Okay.

Because you can always play it off as a joke.

You can't play it off.

How is that a joke?

Like, what's the punch?

It was a leaked photo, the cloud.

All right.

Well, look, there's no way I would show that photo to anybody.

No fucking way.

That goes in the vault, and that's the end of that.

Humanity's just going to have to fucking eat it.

Would you tell your friends?

Would you like to tell me or Walt?

Yeah, I would tell you I wouldn't show you the photo.

Yeah.

Like I took a picture of a ghost.

Let's see it.

Well, you could crop it out, though.

No, the ghost.

No, like a lot of the ghost is like super.

Yeah, he's like over it.

Yeah.

So that's it.

Looks like he's eating a sub or something.

But you can show it to some people who do know that it's just a bad angle.

Well, I could do that.

I could show my dick next to it and the picture to just be like, just so you guys see it.

Yeah,

bad lighting.

I just jumped out of the pool.

So if I did that, if I I started showing you my dick next to the photo and there was a ghost in there, like, would you, and you believe, and it was a ghost, like, you believed it was a ghost in the photo, would you then think me stupid for even caring about the dick?

Yeah, I would think the weight of what you are bringing, the information you are providing to the world,

you know, supersedes

someone's gnarly genitalia.

I think that even like, you know, most people would be like, you know, would see the ghost.

Right.

Yeah.

But I think you're, I think you hit on something before, Walt, where you're right.

It's, it's like, the people who believe are going to believe.

Yep.

The people who don't believe

are not going to believe.

But they'll all agree.

There's one thing that's universal.

That is what changed.

That is what really worked out.

He's got TV money.

Wow.

Okay.

So right now, Giddam and Brian are four.

And Walt, you got six, buddy.

Six out of how many?

You only missed one, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

So

you really got to get the next two right, you guys.

Even

talking about my best friend.

Yeah,

poor chip of Q.

Okay, so just three more.

Ghost of Mr.

Quinn.

Would I rather always have to speak the absolute unvarnished truth or never be able to say the truth at all?

So I could open my mouth and what comes out is always complete brutal honesty or just fucking lie.

I can never tell the truth.

It's all lies.

You would want to tell the truth.

You would just be a lot more to yourself.

You wouldn't talk as much.

Do you have to say it?

No, I guess not.

If he keeps his mouth shut, you know, he's fine.

You don't have to say it.

No.

He might have to walk around in a ball gag.

Right.

To control himself, you know, so he just makes sure he doesn't say anything that he shouldn't say.

But the times that you have to speak, you can't tell the truth.

Right.

I just think you would pick your words really, really wisely.

You'd be very calculated in what you say, but you wouldn't want to lie to you.

No, unvarnished truth.

Absolute unvarnished truth.

There is no choosing a voice.

But he can, he can open the college.

No, I'm sorry.

You would choose your times to speak very carefully.

I see.

But if people were to ask him shit, and I'm like, hey, what do you think of my haircut?

You have to tell me, right?

Yeah, I have to tell you.

But if he speaks.

If I speak.

I'm like, what's wrong?

Why aren't you talking to me?

There's your answer.

Right, yeah.

Because I don't like my haircut to you.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

See, because he has to tell the truth,

he can throw that caveat in front of it all the time.

Yeah, but I don't know if that helps.

I think people have more respect for you if you're being honest versus they know you're lying.

They may never know I'm lying.

If you're always telling a lie, someone's going to, they're going to know.

Yeah, eventually you're going to get caught.

Yeah, people will be like, this guy's a real piece of shit.

That's a pathological thing.

There's something wrong with you.

Like someone goes, oh, you remember the last time I saw you?

And you would have to say no.

And it would be like, but it was two days ago.

No.

It would just, you know, I think they'd be more insulted.

Right.

You know, even if they don't know your line, you're going to be insulted.

Well, I could be.

You might be a JFK.

You could make it like a joker.

I'd be like, of course I don't remember that shit.

Get over here.

You know what I mean?

You make it like you're joking, like an affable asshole type thing.

Yeah, but it's just going to eventually

because it's always going to be a lie.

I believe you're going to tell the truth and just make sure when you speak, you're like E.F.

Hutton.

Only when it matters.

Motherfuckers are listening.

You couldn't warn people of danger then?

You couldn't say, watch out for that icy sidewalk.

And you would have.

And you're sailing.

Yeah.

You know, let's say Stacey's house was on fire, apartment.

You'd be like, you know, like, everything's good.

You can stay there.

Right, but I could run in and get her.

Yes, you could.

Yeah.

Your actions don't have to be fine.

I could call 911.

Yes, right.

Yeah.

I didn't take a picture of that, Bleroy.

Like, let's say her apartment was like 93 Devil Lane.

I could be like, 92 Devil Lane's on fire.

So I could still get him there.

Yeah.

But I, you know,

yeah, constantly having to think like that, though, and precious time is ticking away as you're trying to figure out a way to lie and still get

you're going to tell the truth.

You're just going to be a lot more less talkative.

Okay.

Tell the truth.

Yeah, I agree.

Tell the truth.

Yeah, I wrote that I would rather be known as an asshole than a scumbag.

I'd rather be people like, that guy's a fucking prick.

He don't like my haircut.

He's an asshole.

You know, rather than be like, that guy's a lying piece of shit.

I think some people will come to appreciate your honesty.

You know, instead of being like flowering it up, I'm going to break it.

I'll be known for it, maybe.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

Okay.

I don't think a lot of people who tell the unvarnished truth are

liked.

Simon Cowell.

Right.

See how popular he is.

Successful, but he's a bad guy.

He's the heel.

Yeah.

That's true.

All right.

Two more.

This one involves bad.

I don't think they can catch me, no.

It's like it's over.

I am your best friend.

They can't can't catch me.

I'm up by.

That's true.

I'm up by.

What way they could tie me now?

Seven?

There's two more they could tie you.

Okay.

Yeah.

Unless Walt gets them both wrong.

Yeah, unless I fucking collapse here.

Like, if you get the next one right, then it's over, right?

Yeah.

What was the one I got wrong again?

Oh, is there any other like

sex scenario?

There's one involving Superman and there's one involving Benjamin.

Go with Superman.

Okay.

I have a chance to live in another reality where Superman is real and I'm his best friend instead of Jimmy Olson.

But the only difference between that reality and this reality is that TESD doesn't exist because Brian and Walt were never born in that world.

Do I jump realities to another world where I'm Superman's best friend?

You're still around in this world.

It doesn't destroy you, guys.

It's a layup.

It's a layup.

It's a layup.

Yeah.

Go for it.

There's no way you'd want to be Superman's fucking best pal because it's like, what kind of fucking hanger-on is Jimmy Olson?

He's not respected in any way, shape, or form.

He's just like

part of the fucking

garage.

None of this weighed into it.

Oh, yeah.

I'm not saying you're right or wrong.

I'm just saying that.

No, I thought it would.

I thought, you know, you don't want to.

It's going to be awesome to be Superman's specialist.

No, it's not.

Jimmy Olson was always getting

kidnapped by Brain Mac and Lex.

But he got out of it every time.

What kind of life is that to be constantly like a head on a swivel?

Like, holy shit, which Superman's enemy get to fuck with me today?

You know?

And then you.

But you don't think it's like turning into the animals where it's like, holy shit, nobody's ever going to get to do this?

One, he's a fictional character.

Two, you can't be safer than the Superman's side.

You're a fucking alpha dog, bro.

You don't want to be hanging on the back of Superman's fucking neck as he fucking flies you around Metropolis or something.

Let's go to Soup's.

Okay, let's give it.

I definitely do.

No way.

Let's give it the Cowell choice.

No, it's Lane.

Jimmy Olson, who's getting saved?

What does that mean?

Sometimes he's going to be put in that situation.

Sooner or later, he's going to have to choose.

When sales really lag yeah like they're gonna kill lois or jimmy they're gonna kill jimmy so you think i would choose to stick around here and do a fucking podcast and pal around with superman in another dimension absolutely you

who would make that choice oh you it's quitty's choice

there's no way there's no way you'd want to be fucking

superman man

i'm your best friend like always asking for fucking to be what's it called you're reassured that you're still his best friend no no no no no you're constantly overshadowed there's nothing you'll do in life that anyone will notice when you're fucking Superman's best friend.

Who is this show?

What am I doing that's better than being Superman's best friend?

You're a fucking TV star.

You're still a friend.

You think I wouldn't have a reality show in this other dimension?

But is he bringing you insurance to have you on set?

You know, while every one of Superman's enemies is constantly trying to kidnap you to get back in Superman?

He fucks with Superman's pal.

Like, what are you talking about?

But is he bringing you up to the Watchtower?

Everything.

I'm his best fucking friend.

Did he bring Jimmy Olson up to the watchtower?

Sure.

Oh, he did?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

It's a full ride, man.

Yeah.

Yeah, he gets all the perks, but only at the cost of fucking being like a fucking dog, you know, a half a dog.

He's just like...

Yeah, mealymouth little.

Yeah, he's just a hanger-on.

I don't think I ever realized that.

Sycophant.

This is how you see Jimmy Olson.

Did you see my tattoo?

Another one of your, another version of your S.

If I was going to stay in this dimension, it's fucking changing now.

You know who I don't like, but Zarro.

Don't spend time with Lois.

Spend time with me.

Wow.

Well, go ahead, William.

I agree with you.

You think I'd stay?

I think you'd stay.

Get him?

I hope you'd stay.

You think I would stay because I wouldn't want to be.

I think you'd stay

because of your friendships with Brian and me and everything.

It would get boring.

And others.

No G-spot in your life, but you got the big red S or the biggest.

Plus, all his friends, Batman, the flat.

Do you think that Batman respects Jimmy Olson?

I think he does.

No, he doesn't respect.

The question is, he's a pussy, Jimmy Olson, because fucking Robin put on the tights and fought crime while Jimmy just sits on the sidelines like a fucking.

I was gonna say it.

I was gonna say, you almost made me say it.

He respects all the Robins, but he had no respect for Judy Allson.

Superman, look at this new camera I can take a picture of you with.

I want to post this on Instagram.

It's true, though.

God help you if you chose fucking the Superman option.

But who...

Oh, wow.

All right.

I said I'd really, really want to be his best friend, but if I abandoned my boys, I'd I'd not be worthy of Superman's friendship.

Oh, that's a great answer.

That's a real answer.

I didn't tear down Jimmy Olson for 10 minutes.

So I don't need.

You actually, yeah, you might have a much nicer route to get that answer, more noble.

You know, somewhere in another dimension, Superman's just sitting there nodding, cape flowing.

He's like, I was kind of hoping I said that, and the portal opened, and Superman flew through.

It was like, you are now worth it.

it.

Wow.

So long, suckas.

You telling me you never thought of Jimmy Olson in that angle in that light?

No, not really.

I mean, I know he's kind of like a little, like, he's like a bit of a pud, but I didn't think he could.

You know?

Yeah, I always felt that about Jimmy Olson.

Like,

he's brave.

He goes into danger to take his photo.

Not like a Robin, one of the many Robins.

He wouldn't get fucking jacked up by the Joker with a crowbar.

Because he's too busy fucking, you know, hiding behind Superman's cape.

That's the safest place to be.

I know, but like, you know, at least the Robins got out there and fucking got their hands dirty.

Should shoot 11-year-old boys be out there getting their hands dirty?

Wow.

All right.

Well, it's that's the last one.

Let's go.

Even we let's see if I can get nine out of ten.

Okay.

Shocking score.

That's pretty good.

It's better than pretty good.

I'm the goat of Quinny's choice.

No, well, my question is not good.

Should I make them?

They were awesome.

Yeah, they were good at that.

And I think we just know you too well.

Maybe.

I'll have to work on like a more.

Okay.

So the last one, I feel you.

We know that you don't want to fuck any, get fucked by any dudes, so no more questions about you.

Just that's a no-go.

We know that was an easy one.

Even if they're quote-unquote aliens.

Okay, so the final one was going to be, I can give up a year of my life and Benjamin Cat takes that year and he gets 10 years.

So one year off my life, 10 years to Benjamin.

Or I could take five years from someone that I hate and extend my own life 20 years.

So do I lose a year and keep Benjamin around for 10 more years?

Or take five years from someone I don't like and live 20 more years.

Are Benjamin's years healthy years?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

My years would be healthy years, 20 healthy years.

Yeah.

So I'm either giving away my life or taking away life from

other people.

And these can't be used in conjunction with each other.

No, one or the other.

20 years is a long time.

Super long.

Yeah.

And healthy years, too.

But so is 10 years.

Yeah.

One year, though, off your life, though.

You don't know when that, you don't know when your ticket's up, though.

It could be the next day.

Yeah.

And I feel like I know

whom he would be taking that life from.

He's just a guy that

he's he's only one, trust me.

He's getting the dump on the grave.

Is that the guy, the graveyard guy?

Yeah, I'm watching him age.

I'm watching him.

Oh, you know who it is.

I don't know who it is.

As your best friend, you have to reveal to me who it is.

Oh, I can't do it on air.

Not on air.

Yeah.

You won't.

You'll be like, really?

I don't care.

Oh, I know who it is?

No.

And you won't care.

It's no one that matters.

Oh, based upon

what was the game, Flanny's Choice?

Flanny's Choice.

Based on that, man, I think you're going to go cat.

I think you're going to go cat.

I just got that feeling.

I don't know why.

But if I put myself in that same situation with Cooper,

I just don't know when I'm going to die, though.

So, like Brian said, it could be tomorrow.

And then I'm not there anyway.

Now, Cooper outlives me.

Yeah, but that's 10 years.

Yeah, that's not right.

Yeah, about 10 years, yeah.

No,

I think knowing

your cat would survive and continue to be loved for another 10 years.

I think.

I know, but 20 years of fucking good living?

Yeah, healthy living.

I'm still going to go with that.

And plus, you see your enemy

smited.

I'm going to go with the cat, though.

I'm going to go with the cat.

I think Q thinks he's going to be here.

We all hope a long, long time.

Wow, the one year, though?

No, I'm going to go the 20 years.

I'm going to change my answer.

I'm going to go to the next 20 years.

20 years.

20 years.

I'm going to go 20 years.

Wow.

I got nothing to lose.

You're winning anyway, right, regardless.

Yeah, I won.

I'm going to go one year for 10 years of Benjamin Chad's life.

20 years.

I'm going five for 20.

Five for 20.

My answer is: I take the five years from someone I hate.

It's less about extending my life and more about ending yours.

I then clone Benjamin Chad.

Wow.

So, what was the final score?

It was nine out of ten?

Yeah.

I think you got eight, Brian.

You didn't do bad.

You did eight.

He did seven.

Yeah.

Very respectable.

Thanks, best friend.

Thanks, buddy.

There you go.

Yeah, good scores all around, man.

Like, I wouldn't have been

upset with anybody.

You know what?

You know where I fucked up?

It was the Polaroid.

Because I thought of what I would do.

And then I applied it to you.

Yeah, I knew you were going to get that one.

The five years one.

I knew you know nothing's more important than that motherfucker's misery.

Yeah.

Excellent, though.

Excellent.

Thank you.

Scenarios, you know, top-notch, lots of.

I had a lot of fun doing it.

Yeah.

So what's next?

I think get him.

Get him choice.

G-Man's.

G-Man's choice.

G-Spot's choice.

Do you have it in you to come up with 10 engaging

scenarios?

You need some help?

Probably.

I'm not sure.

I'm doubting their engagedness.

Okay.

Well, you can run them by me.

I won't weigh in on them, but I'll tell you, like, you know, if they're worthy of bringing to the table, though.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

Yeah.

Excellent, though.

I love it.

And then the grand finale.

Johnson's.

Johnny's choice.

Yes.

Yes.

It's a fun game to play.

I like it.

We should play it every week.

I'm telling you, it was a lot of fun coming up with these.

And I came up with ones that I didn't use because then it became about balancing sci-fi and fantastical and real.

Like, you know,

there was something to it.

You'll see.

You'll see when you're doing it.

You can see your personality in all of them, though.

Oh, nice.

You're really good.

For good or for ill.

Cool.

Yeah, nobody else at the table could come up with those.

Well, I'm sure I won't be able to come up.

Yeah, I couldn't come up with yours.

It won't be able to come up with that.

That's the beauty of the game.

Yeah, I think that's probably the end of the superhero stuff.

Tell them, Steve Dave.