#510: It’s all about Frank
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Transcript
Our listener base is very, very intelligent.
I don't know, we don't, I don't, we don't really like the three-way.
You know, when you say it out loud and talk about it, you do sound like an asshole.
Tell them Steve Dave.
Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell Em Steve Dave.
I am in the house
with Walt.
No.
With Gidem.
Howdy all.
And some
friends from afar.
Special guests.
Special guest, Frank Five.
Hello.
And Mrs.
Five.
Hello.
Fan favorite.
What did you say, Walt, Frank Five?
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah.
I rarely, if ever, have seen any
negative comments regarding
Frank.
He has.
And I got to be honest, like, even Gidham has become, like, he has the adoration now that Sunday Jeff used to have.
Like,
he could do no wrong, Giddam, Steve Dave.
No, I don't say that.
I'm telling you, it is absolutely astonishing how you've turned it around, man.
You have made everybody fall in love.
So, just do whatever you have been doing.
That's going to chase it out.
You're going to see the hate come in.
But to more to the point that Frank Phive is so popular, he was the most popular day of all the days we've had so far.
Well, I was the only day he did.
I was trying to leave that out for your sake, but okay.
No BQ this week.
BQ, we'll talk about it next week when he comes back, but he was involved in a punishment that took a little bit out of him.
I would say so.
Handcuffed to another mime.
But what we're doing today is for Tellum Steve Dave is Walt came up with a game.
No, no, it came up with a new show for a Patreon.
Oh, sorry, a new show.
And I thought maybe going forward we would do this with all the new shows on Patreon.
We'll use regular Tellim Steve Dave as a launching pad, almost like to spin it off and to get people excited for the
new regular Patreon show that Frank is going to be involved with.
We'll use this moment here, since Q couldn't be here tonight.
We use this episode to launch his new vehicle, Frank Five's new vehicle on the Tellum Steve Dave Patreon.
It's called Frank Five's Top Five.
Nice.
And my plan was, you know, that,
you know, we do the rewind together and we do bro side, you know all three of us so i thought it would to be to add just a little bit of new spin on it and since he's fucking more popular and beloved now than ever get him is a new permanent member of frank five's top five wow so you're a regular cast member until i hear otherwise i can hear from the list subscribing now
there's a lot of pressure uh on this now frank because uh this is we're trying to draw people to patreon so if they hear this and they're like i this is a must must-hear, I'm going to join Patreon.
So lots riding on your shoulders.
He's not very confident in this vehicle.
Oh, he's not.
He is not.
He's like, I need costumes.
I need locales.
Did you tell us kick it in front of a mic and just wing it?
He told me the premise of the show and he was like all excited.
And I'm like, are you sure?
He is.
So you told us this is an audio-only podcast.
He's like, we need costumes.
No, no.
He was saying, I want to do rewinds.
I want to do the big elaborate shows.
I'm like, no, no, we got to get back to basics.
I'm too tired.
I can't do it anymore.
And I thought what would make this an interesting podcast would be most people, when they compile a top five or a top 10 list,
they compile one with the usual go-to's, the usual topics that when you compile a list, it's like, oh, my favorite movies or my favorite
food, favorite food.
Yeah, yeah.
Most mundane.
Yes.
And that's what Frank was like, okay, so we'll do foods.
That That was the same thing he said.
And I was like, no, no, no.
We're going to go with the most mundane, most...
Foods too exciting.
Yes.
Average Joe top five lists.
And our job, and get them now,
since you have this like newfound, you know.
You have this pullover of the audience.
I brought you up.
It's slowly waning.
It was because of your witty.
and you know humorous takes on things like so you're here today you're not you're not going to be compiling any top five lists as is Frank's job okay your job is just to make witty observations based upon those selections gotcha okay so pretty much Bryce job well I mean that's all I know
so you you gave me a list right of 16 things to talk about and I had to come up with my top five for each of these 16 things so do you want me to say what each one is you want me to just say what it is or you want you want to say it you want me
well are you ready to begin?
You did your work and you have top five lists for all 15 categories?
I did just what you said.
Yep, I came up with my top five for all 16 things.
You have like an intro thing, like the Sunday funnies or the frank funnies.
I literally knew about this yesterday.
Just asking.
You're trying to help the audience out, feeling around.
Where it is, and this is why Mrs.
Five is at the table, that you were none too happy with some of his selections, some of his top fives.
Right, correct.
I look forward to hearing.
In my defense, it was my fault because I asked for her help.
So, right there, I know I probably shouldn't have asked her.
So, there was not much excitement in the hotel.
We're going to put, like, when we get, when the regular show starts on Patreon, we're going to have theme music.
We'll maybe have some wacky sound effects.
Quack, wacky.
Wacko, wack, and we even have an outro.
What's the outro?
It's going to be a sound of a vacuum cleaner.
Because the show sucks.
No, I mean,
because the sound of a a vacuum cleaner means Frank Vee's done and it's time for a woman.
So that means the vacuum cleaner should start like halfway through the show because he's always ushering people out early.
We'll decide it.
All right.
So what was the first top five list?
All right.
So
number one
was my top five days of the week.
Here they are.
There's a bunch of people switching to Patreon right now.
I feel so bad for the two days that didn't make it.
Now, I maintained when I gave him that, that this would be interesting to the three of us.
Yeah.
Because I don't think days matter anymore.
They don't matter to me anymore.
No, they don't matter anyway.
Do you care at all when it's the weekend?
Dude, I thought most of today was Sunday.
We're doing this on Saturday.
So wait,
you're saying the days that I'm not here don't matter to you?
But they all blend in at a certain point now that I'm not going to work on a daily basis.
Yeah.
That, yeah, days used to mean so much.
Like I couldn't stand Mondays.
Now, I mean, I couldn't even tell you.
Like, you don't know what Monday is.
I've never cared about a Monday.
Yeah, if Sage isn't with us, if like Sage is going to school, then I'm like, okay, at least I know it's a weekday.
But if she's not around, I'm like, I really don't know what day it is.
And the other day, I didn't know what month it was.
You don't care.
What's that?
Oh, I got the year.
Yeah, I got the year wrong, too.
It doesn't matter, right?
Who cares?
It's island time.
Yeah.
It's all the time for the rest of our lives.
2021, 2022, it's all good.
It's all the same.
But, Frank, as a working man, you must have favorite days.
I do have my favorite days of the week.
I have five of them.
Well, let's start off with number five.
So, this is the one that I don't like the most.
Well,
you like it, but just not as much as the
negative.
You like it the least.
You like it the least.
Okay, well, I'm going to say that Tuesday is my least favorite day of the five.
I can understand that.
Can you?
Why?
How do you understand that?
Because Tuesday is my Tuesday is my last day off.
So that means that.
But why do you have to do it then?
Fucking narcissist.
Well, I don't like it.
It's my least favorite day, too, because it's my last day off, which means I'm going to have to get up out of the bed finally.
But why is it your favorite day?
Well, one of your five favorite days.
One of my favorite.
Well,
you know, there's only seven days of the week, and the two days that I hate are fairly obvious.
Don't tell us that, because then it gives away the whole list.
Yeah, I just
don't know.
The whole people are on the edge of their seat right now.
Oh, can we take guesses and then get a game based on that?
No,
we want to do something that's not game-related.
Yeah.
This is just about you being witty.
Is that failing at it right now?
You haven't said one witty thing yet.
Come on.
You were on fire last week.
So I think for me, because of work, Tuesday is my light day.
I don't have as many classes on Tuesday to teach.
So that's why it's one of my favorite days.
I only teach on Tuesday
one class.
So I'm home like by...
Now, why did this upset you, Mrs.
Five?
Well, this thing didn't upset you.
I thought it was all the
idiot.
Why did you pick Tuesday?
Don't you know what your favorite days are?
I do.
I feel like we haven't hit the topic that I've ever seen.
I thought all of them just.
No, just one, I think.
Just the one.
Oh, there's one day that you contest that shouldn't be on there?
No, no, one question down top.
Oh, on every topic.
Down the list, yes.
Yeah.
Okay.
The way Frank was talking, it was like that everything that he listed, you were on this one topic.
Well, I wouldn't know because after we got to that one topic, then she refused to talk to me the rest of the time.
Wow, really?
Oh, yeah.
All right.
What's number four on the days of the week?
Wednesday.
Wednesday.
Update.
Update.
What, what?
And there's the ducks.
That's why he's on as a regular cast member on Frank Five's top five.
People are scratching their heads no more.
Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank.
Guess what day it is?
What, what?
What commercial is that from?
The hump day commercial for Geico.
Oh,
there you go.
There's where you earned your money money for this episode.
I'd like to interject by saying this may be the hottest this room has ever been.
Really?
I had the fan and AC on.
I went home to put on 90 degrees in a hoodie.
A second hoodie.
A second hoodie, as you can see.
I can see.
I'm still a little chilly.
Are you really?
It's hot in here.
Yeah, the fan is...
I forced the fan on, but I don't know.
Can anybody feel the vent?
No.
People are like, all right, this is less interesting than their favorite days.
Let's move on.
We'll wait till you get to number three.
Number three.
So we got Tuesday, Wednesday.
Yes.
Out of order.
I mean, it's like you're not
chained to
everybody else.
It's like, well, maybe I'll pick my days in order, a sequence.
Nope.
Yeah, Tuesday, Wednesday.
It's in order so far.
No.
No, I think he's talking about forwards.
Yeah, I'm going backwards.
Oh, okay.
Because we're going by my least favorites.
You never hear.
Okay.
Okay.
Say, whoa, what again?
Whoa, what?
There we go.
That's what we're talking about.
Quack, quack.
We just saved it.
It's like vaudeville.
He's going to have to whistle real soon.
And whenever you see people's faces glossing over with like annoyance,
just do what?
What?
Spin your bow tie.
I'm flapping Dickie.
All right.
Number three.
Thursday.
Thursday.
Yeah.
It's also a day that I work even less.
I actually only have one class on Thursdays, but it's in the morning.
So I'm home by
nine o'clock on that day.
In the morning?
In the morning, yeah.
Go in from eight to nine and I'm done.
Wow.
Okay.
So I'm surprised that's so low on the list.
No, that's my number three favorite.
Right.
I'm surprised, you know, a day you only have to go to work for an hour wouldn't be number two or number one.
Well, as I start thinking about this, there's a lot of days I'm only going in for an hour.
So
the enrollment was really low this semester.
I'm trying to figure out if the next one's going to be Friday or not.
Well, we haven't heard a weekend yet, which is really, you know, making me think that, you know, The suspense.
Yeah.
Why does he hate the weekends?
Well, no, they may be up there as the one in the top two.
Oh, that's true.
Right.
Friday, Saturday, everybody's thinking, which is it going to be?
Friday, number one or Saturday number one?
Will he pull a Garfield out of us and say he hates Mondays the most?
For me, Friday.
No, no, Saturday.
Saturday is my number two.
Number two.
Saturday's number two.
Wow, that's the end.
Most people would pick Saturday.
You don't go to work on Saturdays, right?
No classes.
I barely go into work Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursdays.
Yeah.
And then my favorite day of the week is Friday.
TGIF.
That's it.
And I like Friday because for me, it's more about the anticipation.
Like Friday, I get excited because I know I don't have to work on Saturday.
Right.
So it's, you know, it's like when you go on a vacation.
You're more excited about before you go to the vacation than when you're actually doing it.
Yeah.
Mrs.
Five, do those days line up with your favorite days?
Or do you, since you guys are a married couple a long time, you know, they say married couples, they seem to like the same things.
Are those no, I like the
weekend.
She's been working on for the last year and a half.
She doesn't know what day it is either.
She doesn't know what day it is either.
Corner is masked or.
But now I do.
Now I'm back.
So you would have picked Saturday and Sunday as your top one and two?
You guys have a long ride back to New York.
Do you think any arguments will happen?
I think we got them over with this morning.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
We've been coming, it's about 10 years into this.
There's nothing that I think I can say.
You've said some pretty horrendous shit.
So I would think, though, like you can scour the internet.
I don't think you're going to find any top 10 days of the week lists.
Yeah, because there's only top five.
Yeah, right.
Or top five even.
I just don't think people would ever take the time or the thought.
You got to slow down in life, man.
You have to sit there and really like, don't just let it blow by.
Sit there and think,
why is it that I like Tuesdays so much?
Stop and sell the roses.
So the two days you hate then,
Monday and Sunday.
Monday and Sunday.
Sunday because you got to go to work Monday?
Yes.
Monday because you're at work.
Yes.
And that's my longest day.
I'm there from 8 until 3.
So would you say you have a case for Mondays?
A full workday.
One full workday out of the week.
I would hate it too.
See, and you were worried.
You were worried that people were going to find this boring
and uninteresting.
I don't know.
We're the only ones that are fucking interested right now.
Right now, people are like, don't you have a sponsor?
Can you talk about a sponsor?
Do we?
We do.
You want to get into a little sponsor action?
We have, oh, people love this.
And you can listen to these seven days a week.
You can use these Raycons.
Raycons.
A lot of people don't make resolutions this year.
Why is this still?
I told you.
Okay.
This is the copy that I was given.
I'm sorry.
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Oh, wow.
Yeah.
Because I have tensinitis.
Or is it tinnitus?
I have heard it pronounced both ways.
You probably know.
I think it probably matters where you're from, like aluminum, aluminium.
That's what I was thinking.
Tinnitus.
It is tinnitus.
Yes, because I got it too.
It's awful, isn't it?
Yeah.
I just had a garden.
I've got to get into it by now, so I don't even hear it anymore.
There's sometimes I'll be sitting there at night, and I'm just like, I cannot believe how loud this is.
Let's put a fan on or something.
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All right.
Now we know.
And knowing is half the battle.
All right.
So, what have we covered so far?
We've covered Raycons, and we have covered Frank's five of his seven days of the day.
Would you say you hate Sundays and Mondays?
Hate Sundays and Mondays.
Hate them.
Hate them.
Despise them.
So we're on to the next one, right?
Next topic.
Next one is my favorite light bulb wattages.
You told me that you came up with this?
Some of them.
Now, I think it's important.
Yeah.
Now, are these all the same temperature bulbs?
Oh, Christ.
Yeah.
Okay.
If they don't make us stop, yes.
But he's the type of guy that I would think would pay attention to a light bulb wattage.
Am I wrong?
No, you're not wrong.
And do you have certain ones at home that you can't put a higher voltage in or a wattage in
than the other one without risking tripping a breaker?
Yeah, I have a tendency to like it brighter in the house.
So I'll put higher wattage bulbs in.
And Mrs.
5 doesn't, or you don't care about the wattage, you really don't care about it.
I don't pay attention, to be honest.
No,
he's in charge of the light bulbs.
Yes,
the only thing.
Do you like these light bulbs that I put in?
Yes, very nice.
I just like, I do like it bright, but I don't pay attention to the different wattages.
Yeah.
How many different wattages of light bulbs are there?
Are there more than five?
Wattages, yes.
There's a there should be about five color temperatures.
So, all right, what's number five?
So, my least favorite of my favorites was the 75-watt.
I hear you, brother.
It's bright, but it's not bright enough.
I like it.
I like to be able to see.
And they're kind of expensive.
The higher wattages ones are more expensive.
Yeah.
Oh, is that true?
Yeah.
I didn't know that.
We're tungsten.
The more wattage, the more money.
Yeah.
Who's coming up with that?
There's actually a light bulb.
Big bulb.
No, it's a light bulb consortium.
They're the ones that have
made the rules that they can only burn for so long
before they're supposed to burn out.
So the light bulb that lasts for years can only last for a certain amount of years.
Yes.
Or all hell would.
They say that the light bulbs.
The consortium would come after them.
Yeah.
And you're lying.
No.
You can look up light bulb consortium.
He said it so like
convincingly.
Yes.
just be honest.
Yes, yes, I am dead serious.
Who's on the board?
It's an older consortium.
I think it's like from around the 50s and 60s.
But I'm sure all of those people who were on it are dead by the time.
Yeah, at a certain point, they're going to be like, all right, we've decided.
We're going to decide how long they can burn.
Like, how much more do we have to say about light bulbs?
I don't know exactly which companies are in the consortium, but I guess the big ones.
Wow.
This is interesting.
I told you it would be interesting.
This is phenomenal.
Now,
at home, do you guys discuss three-ways?
You know, the three-way light bulbs?
Yes.
Of course.
What else do you think I was talking about?
I don't know.
We don't really like the three-way, right?
You just
go with the one shot.
What is a three-way?
I'm not even certain I know what it is.
You get a bulb that when you turn the knob, it can go to three different
levels of brightness.
What is so funny?
That's what it is.
People are leaving Patreon on droves right now.
Jesus, like, put them in a costume.
Where's the final?
Can you dress up like a light bulb?
The official name is the Phobos Cartel.
All right.
What's number four?
40 watt.
Ooh, that's pretty low.
That is low.
Why would you, if you like it bright, why wouldn't 40 be number five?
I don't know.
Because I started because the way I did it.
Just looking around the room.
No, like I could say like the bathroom at night.
Like you don't want it that bright that it wakes you up, but it's just bright enough that you can kind of see where you're doing things.
Yeah.
Okay.
I guess, yeah.
And that's usually the water that's in your oven and refrigerator.
Is that true?
Sounds good.
Who chases the light bulb in the refrigerator?
I don't think I've ever done it.
You're like, how long have I been behind your refrigerator and not once have you?
That's to last forever.
I had to change it to Debbie's like three years ago.
I put an LED so that we won't have to worry about it.
It's because you broke it going in the refrigerator in a frenzy.
You spit it.
What, what?
All right, continue.
I like the 60 water for number three.
It's a steady, solid bulb.
Yeah.
But it's still duller than the 75, which is number five.
It is.
It's like a sitting room light bulb.
Yeah, I could, yeah.
Yeah, well, you know what?
Sometimes you want the lights to convey a certain mood.
And it doesn't always have to be bright because you don't always have to see everything that you're doing.
If you know what I mean.
Oh, you like it.
Not so much me.
They turn on high-powered halogens.
Are really looking at it.
You don't want to acknowledge what's going on, so you turn it down real dark.
Just let it happen.
She knows it won't last that long.
How many lights are in the bedroom?
In our bedroom?
Yeah,
is there two
nightstands?
Yes.
Two lamps on each nightstand?
Yes.
And you had an above head lighting?
No, that's where the mirror is.
Yeah.
Whoa, whoa.
So is that the two lamps?
Are there only two sources of light
in the bedroom?
Yes.
The matching lampshades, or do you express your personalities through your lampshades?
No, they're both two boring lampshades.
And so what are the wattages in the bedroom lamps?
60s.
260s.
Is that accurate, Mrs.
Five, or is he just talking at his ass right now?
I don't believe it.
260.
Yeah, okay.
I think we only have 60.
I would think you'd want 40 then.
No, because.
I've got a couple of 75s in there, man.
No, there's nothing.
If you want to read, a 60-watt is good for, you know, it's less strength.
He doesn't want to read, obviously.
Sometimes you want to read in the bathroom.
Bedroom.
We're talking soft, right?
Soft lights.
What are we talking about?
Soft.
Yeah.
Always soft in the bedroom.
All right.
I didn't didn't know if this was a brightness or not.
Is there a 175?
That's like your
lighthouse.
That's like, yeah, your par outside light.
Yeah, the floodlight, right?
Yeah.
A par 68.
You just get a headlamp from a car.
I got one on my car.
I got that headlamp.
So do you want something that bright in the house?
No, for outside.
It didn't specify in the house.
You said figuring out the cottages.
The garage.
Yeah, I saw that.
No, you're right.
I'm wrong.
I didn't think you'd think outside.
Oh, yeah.
It's an attached garage.
It's part of the house.
So you like to have, when you flip on the lights outside, anybody skulking around the house, you want to be able to see it.
Yeah.
Have you had skulkers?
Just me.
Yeah, just you?
That's why other people have 175s in there.
They all got 200s on their house.
So I am
really
have no idea what number one is going to be done.
I think I got a
guess, bro.
We went from 75 down to 40, up to 60, up to 175.
It's 100.
I think 100 is my favorite.
If I can put 100 watt in most of the house, I usually do.
I like the 100 watt vault.
Yeah.
I do.
I don't think it's.
I just think people listening are like, they've got no frame of reference.
They know, like, I know what's slightly dimmer, but like, how could you tell?
Oh, you can tell.
In a computer room, it's 100 watt.
Oh is this the one that pissed you off?
This one?
No.
No, but I don't.
Isn't there like a limit?
Doesn't it tell you
yeah but we don't follow that.
If the bulbs in the house are higher than what the lamps are.
But that's that's going based on incandescent.
Like if you're using LED or CFLs or something.
Oh we don't use we don't we when I heard that you weren't going to be able to get incandescence anymore I went to Home People and bought a case of bulbs.
I have a friend who did the same thing because she has a condensation problem and that's what helps with exactly the type of conversation I want it to happen.
This makes Sunday Jeff look like riveting.
Incandescent cases of light bulbs.
I did.
I spent like $200 on all these light bulbs.
They're all in
our basement.
We'll die before we use all these light bulbs.
It's a lot of money in those light bulbs.
Isn't it dangerous, though, for him to be putting higher wattage light bulbs in fixtures that demand lower wattage?
Depending on how it's wired, yes.
It could draw more power than the wire can safely handle.
That will heat up the wire.
Safer.
Lomby talks about my top five fire extinguisher.
It is kind of like living dangerously, though, just to have a little bit of extra light.
That's just my middle of the edge, man.
Okay, is it an enclosed fixture?
What?
Is it an enclosed fixture?
Like, does it have a glass
dome over it, or is it an open lamp?
These are all lamps.
We don't have any overhead lighting except for the recessed in the kitchen.
In the front hall.
And in the front hall.
Yeah.
It's a little bit safer then.
I could listen to light bulb conversation all night long.
I got to tell you, I had no idea there was a consortium.
A cartel, even.
A cartel.
But we do have to move on to topic three.
My favorite thermostat settings.
I can tell you what mine isn't right now.
now.
The 150th it's a year.
Now, do you have, before he reveals his, do you have a favorite, bro?
We go to a hotel
at the crooked house, forget it, man.
Like, you cannot dictate the heat.
The heat will dictate what it's going to do.
But if I go to a hotel, I immediately turn it down to like 65.
That's chilly.
Yeah.
That's very chilly.
And every woman.
hates it, right?
Like women hate it when you
in any number of, I can tell what's
multiple fucking hoodies.
But, like, any given room, if it's like around 65, women can't stand it.
They're like, oh, it's so cold in here.
Oh, yeah.
Why do you think that is?
And I think they got a thinner skin, maybe.
They're usually a little bit more frank.
Poor circulation.
Maybe poor circulation.
I don't know.
I mean, it also could be because I got so much blubber surrounding everything.
What about you, Miss Five?
What's your, you go into a hotel.
What's the room temperature you like?
About 72 apartments.
72?
Oh, God.
Yeah.
That's tropical.
It is.
I like it warm.
Yeah.
Speed it with that temperature.
Yeah.
Or less.
Yeah, so I'm going to say 65 is my gym.
Let's see if you match that.
I don't even know if I've ever checked the thermostat.
I just say either it's hot or cold in here.
Can you do something about it?
And I'm not allowed to touch it.
Apparently, I broke it maybe like...
like 20 years ago.
I was the last one to touch it and it broke.
So since then
I've been the guy who broke the thermostat, so so I'm not allowed to fuck with it.
Still around like holidays, though.
Like, remember that time?
So, we're looking for a 65.
Let's see if it let's see if Frank has that on his list.
What's number five?
Number five is 69.
Yeah, what was it?
69.
This is why I had to have you on this podcast.
Who else is going to make this?
I didn't call anybody.
I was like, get him the guy.
He's got to be the fourth member of Frank Five's Top Five.
Plus, he'll be there.
You've got to paint him anyway.
It's a win-win-win.
69, huh?
Was that supposed to be ironic or was that
number just for laughs?
It is for laughs, but you put it on there at the house sometimes.
It does.
It's always on 69.
And the minute he goes to work,
he'll lower it to 67, even when I was still working at home.
So the minute he leaves the house, I go over and I go to 71, 72.
The Naimo bill was insane last month.
So he comes home from work, and before he comes home, I go back down, and then he says, Did you turn the heat up?
And I'm like, no.
So then he'll ask a couple more times.
I'm like, Yes, it was cold in here.
I'm not going to freeze while I'm sitting home all day.
Why don't you just wear an overcoat?
That's the house in the house.
I did have a blanket wrapped around me one day at a meeting, and I thought, This is ridiculous.
Now, you're going to say I'm lying, but at the farm, I used to keep the temperature at 56 degrees in the winter.
And I would wear
and I would just wear an extra
horse.
But it's water.
Parka?
It's cold.
It's freezing.
I was fine for me.
I used to be outside.
Yeah, like a pressure.
At the Crooked House,
we'll turn on the heat.
And I'll only turn it up.
I'll turn it to 60.
Throughout the day, the upstairs will get so fucking hot that you have to turn the heat off.
And then overnight, it all dissipates.
So the next morning, like, I'll go downstairs, and I swear to God, I'm not kidding.
This morning it was 47 degrees.
Yeah, it sucks.
I'm going to take a guess, though, that 56 is not going to be on your remaining four.
That seems cold.
Why turn the heat on at that point?
You should talk to Sonny Jeff because he's got a thermostat that talks to his phone.
And we would be at the store and he'd be like, oh, oh, you know what temperature it is in my house?
He would.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's why he didn't get the call to be on front.
All right.
Reveal some new other temperatures.
You want my favorite one?
You want me to just hurry it along?
No, not at all.
What are you talking about?
Let's savor this shit.
Okay.
We're only 32 minutes in.
What?
None of them better be over 69 because I've never seen you put the the heat on your head.
I've never seen 69 in our house either.
Whoa.
Wah, wah, wah, laddie.
I told you not to worry about this.
So
my next favorite one was 65.
Oh, yeah.
And you can tell the difference, I think.
Oh,
I will say this, and I'm not just fooling around.
I can tell if it's up a degree.
Because I'll have it at my favorite temperature.
And if it gets moved, I know right away.
Because it's all about Frank.
If Frank wants it at 69, it stays at 69.
Now,
it really annoys you to like, you're not home all day.
And she's like, I'm pretty cold, so I'm just going to raise it by a few degrees.
And then before you come home, she turns it back down, and this enrages you.
You know what?
It's not so much that I'm mad.
I'm disappointed.
She's been lying to me
because she's told me that, because I get the bill.
and I see that, oh my God, last month we only paid like $250 for heat.
This month I'm paying $350, but nothing's changing because I have it set at my favorite temperature.
She sure looks warm.
Yeah, the only difference is she's home all day.
Apparently, you're the only one that lives there.
So
it has to be on what you want because you're the only one that lives there.
Have you considered one of those locking covers that schools it's?
That is a great idea.
I will rip it right off the wall.
I will rip it right off the wall.
I come home and it's up like the one degree and I'm like, why is it so hot in here?
What's going on?
It's not even that you can feel the temperature.
I can feel the temperature.
You immediately will go over to see the number.
You can't tell one degree.
I can tell one degree.
Yeah.
You're nuts.
It doesn't matter.
That's a bold claim.
I'm bad.
I can tell one degree.
I believe them.
I did not anticipate that these topics would cause such, you know,
visceral reactions, but I'm loving this.
I'm loving the anger and the passion that is at the other end of the table here.
What numbers do you have?
I know.
The bad ones don't even get down until we're like near number like 12 and 13.
We're only on three.
Let's speed it up.
All right, we'll just go to my favorite one.
I like 67.
That is my favorite.
That's the one I set the temperature at all the time, is 67.
I thought it was warmer.
No, it's 67, definitely.
So I can tell, like, if you raise it to 68 or whatever, I know the difference.
20 years of marriage, you don't know his favorite temperature yet.
Yeah.
Like when her family comes over, the heat gets raised through the roof.
It's gastronomical.
And what was your favorite one again, Mrs.
Five?
Well, it's
72 like in a hotel, but when we're home, 70, 71 is good.
Can't you guys just meet in the middle?
Of course not.
69.
Just can't meet in the middle.
It's all about Frank.
We can meet in the middle.
Leave it.
We may have to change this show
to it's all about Frank.
I really like that.
It's all about Frank's five top five.
What a blink it at when you're in a Zoom meeting with your boss.
Look like a homeless person.
Got a barrel on fire.
A burn barrel.
Well, you know what?
Go to work.
All right, what's the next topic?
Speeds to set my cruise control at.
All right, what's the next one?
Let's skip that one.
Kinds of potato.
Did that one anger you?
Any of these two?
No, no.
It only bothered me because he asked me for a type of potato.
So it did bother you.
Well, because I was in the middle of a game, which comes up later.
It comes up later.
I bothered her during her game.
Wordle?
Wordle?
No, word blitz.
Word blitz?
Yes, if you play Wood Potato.
What was a potato, though?
Russet?
You called it?
My favorite one was baked.
Baked potato.
Oh, types of potatoes, how they're prepared, not species.
Well, I just figured that would make more sense than like species.
That's the way a potato was referred to, a species?
I don't know.
Variety, but variety.
That's a variety.
I was just like, that's horrible that we're eating something that, like, a species is something that's alive.
This whole time, I've been like, it's a current-freezy potato.
What was number two?
For what?
My potatoes?
Yeah.
I like mashed potatoes.
Okay.
So you're just talking about the way potatoes are prepped.
I was talking about actually like
a sweet potato.
Oh, that was number five.
An Idaho potato.
Russet, Yukonko.
Yeah.
Yeah, but I think people would know that.
So I just went with baked.
Our listener base is very, very intelligent.
Okay.
Yeah.
I like baked potato the best.
And sweet potato was my fifth favorite.
What's the next topic?
Hours of the day.
Oh, this is a good one.
I'm on the edge of my seat about the hours of the day.
It's not just 24?
No.
No, I thought you wanted me to pick certain hours, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, like, my fifth favorite hour was 4 o'clock.
How come?
A.M.
or P.M.?
P.M.
Because that's why you wait so long.
How do I have fun?
A trick question.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
Gotcha, journalism.
Like, most of my skulking is down around 4 a.m.
Aren't you sleeping at 4 a.m.?
Or are you up?
Yeah, at 4 a.m.
I'm sleeping.
Yeah, so how on earth did it take you that long to answer that question?
Because a couple of these are a.m.s.
I wanted to make sure.
So 4 p.m.
Yeah, it is.
Are you out of work at this point?
Oh, I'm usually eating dinner by then.
That early?
I like to eat.
Early bird special.
Really?
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
How long have you been eating dinner so early?
For 48 years.
No, we, well, no.
Mostly during the lockdown, we ate early because I was home to cook.
We cooked early.
Sometimes we ate at one or two o'clock.
yeah sometimes at two it's called lunch
it'll be dead I only cook the one time and if you have to have leftovers later that's all all right so four o'clock
p.m.
p.m.
and then you know and then I like five o'clock which is nice because that's after
the sincerity
usually when the wall is
I don't want to dismiss five o'clock because who would that was my question aren't any of your times based on that a a certain television show is on no because i watch everything on the internet now so i'm not uh beholden to the oh to that special website you have that really really works well you liked it yesterday i like this is this is why this is why i question my bringing you in you cannot bring up shit that nobody has any frame of reference to
okay
it's frustrating to the listeners more so me
You were there.
I know, but I know anybody listening has no idea what you're talking about.
Stick to like, what, what, what?
Yeah, giggity, that kind of thing.
You're killing it with that other stuff.
So, like, my favorite times.
What about, yeah, what about now is five o'clock.
And you could tell the difference if you're not doing something different, though, how do, how does five o'clock.
That's the time to check the thermostat.
Well, what?
I, um, yeah, I, I mean, you know, because I'm usually home from work at that time.
And like we said.
At five?
Well, no, we early.
I thought your last class was nine.
Well, it is but that's she gets home usually like at three or four o'clock and then she'll start making dinner and stuff so i kind of just wait around the house until she's home to make dinner do you putt around the kitchen and like like steal stuff as she's cooking it no okay no no not really
my favorite times are usually later at night that's usually when i'm you know like
going on the internet and that kind of stuff so like you know 11 12 1 o'clock so one o'clock in the morning is your favorite time of the day yeah i do a lot of stuff at one o'clock in the morning is missus five She's sleeping.
I'm trying to sleep.
So he's in bed with his computer and it's real bright and keeping you awake.
It's like brighter than a 75-watt bulb.
And then the other night, he turned it right into my face.
I wanted to see if she was sleeping.
Woke me up out of a sound sleep because of this light in my face.
And I said, What are you doing?
I just want to know if you were sleeping.
You were checking to see if her eyes are open, weren't you?
Just assume that I am, if I'm not talking.
See if she was alive.
Yeah.
I was checking.
She's got the mirror out.
I would have never, ever guessed that your favorite time would be one o'clock in the morning.
Why?
I woke up late, too.
I know, but it just feels like it just wouldn't be your favorite time of day.
I would have thought, you know, eight o'clock prime time.
Would you say 1 a.m.
is a younger man's time?
Yeah.
I didn't want to say that.
I'll usually, like, I'll run errands at that time of night.
Like, I'll go to the post office, I'll mail letters, or I'll wash the car, get gas.
I told you, he has a lot of serial killer tech behaviors.
He does.
He's supposed to drive.
Meaningless tasks that he could do during the day.
That's usually when I'm out for Mrs.
Five to get home.
That's usually when I'm out catching Pokemon or waiting to use the bathroom at a quick check.
See?
Nothing wrong with people who are out at one o'clock in the morning.
What's the next topic?
Ways to say hello.
Best type of chairs, autographs in my collection.
Those are the next couple.
Let's do Ways to Say Hello without saying hello, right?
Right.
Here's a good one.
This takes some creativity.
So one of them is, hey, hey, hey.
You never say hey, hey.
I've said that to people that I've known.
Hey, hey, hey.
What's happening?
I know what it's from, but I can't see you dropping that and not worrying about getting fired.
Like do you say that to your students?
Like, hey, hey, hey.
I'll usually just say, hey.
There you go.
That's it.
It's hey, hey, 1 a.m.
greeting?
Hey, it's to people like I know.
Like if I saw you, I'd be like, hey, hey, hey.
You know, how long you know, Frank?
Never said hey, 10 years.
I want you to greet me like that from now along.
I like it.
I love it.
Number four.
Hey there.
Hey there.
What the haze is I'm reading this?
It sounds like you're talking to somebody who's standing too close to you.
Hey there.
Or the guy like right across the fence.
Like, oh, hey there, neighbor.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like Wilson.
Number three.
um
hi
because that's not the moment i'd be the more normal one right quick to the point
yeah
hi
i said howdy he said hi my and about my favorite one right is that what we're up to yeah um i'll say hey how's it going hey how's it going hey how's it going hey how's it going and i do that at school if somebody says hello to me i'll go hey how's it going and i keep walking i would have at the farm there would be an unspoken hello like just a head not head nod.
I would have thought that would be your go-to as a guy who doesn't like to talk.
Oh, I didn't even think I could have used that because I do do that sometimes.
I would have thought for sure it would have been the head nod.
Like, I see you.
Yeah.
What's up?
No.
Are you willing to try hey, hey, hey, with some of your students just to like test it?
Yeah, see how it works out.
I will.
They'll just look at me blankly.
Maybe, maybe hey, there, fellow kids.
Yeah.
What's next?
You got autographs in my collection, days of the year, worst types of shirts.
That's a negative one.
I wanted to throw one negative one in there.
What's the worst type of shirts?
I do not like long sleeve type shirts, except for hoodies.
Hoodies I'm okay with, but I do not like long sleeve or like long sleeve sweaters or long sleeve tees.
I don't like those.
No, you don't like them for yourself or you don't like them at all?
If you see other people in them.
No, no.
No, I don't like them for myself.
Too constricting.
I like my stuff big.
I like to, you know.
No, you got all those guns in there.
Yeah,
yeah.
Get root for them.
I also do not like,
oh, t-shirts that are like too short at the bottom.
I hate that.
I hate that.
The fashion.
It always feels like you're pulling it down like a mini skirt.
Yeah.
All right.
Or I feel like if I bend over my underwear.
Oh, yeah, exactly.
Like you reach and
you feel that little draft.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
I hate that.
Yeah.
That should have been number one.
That That should have been number one.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
There's smaller ones I think of that area.
Well, it's
higher up on my list.
It is high up on the list.
I do not like soft t-shirts.
What?
Like a mania?
You're like abrasive?
I think you should.
I don't like them.
Like, you know how there's those ones that, you know, they, they, oh, we're so soft.
It's like clingy.
It's hugging you.
I do not like them to be soft.
I like like hard type cotton type shirts.
Oh, okay.
I like those.
That's rare.
Yeah.
I realize that's a rarity.
So like those cheap t-shirts I like.
That t-shirt's too comfortable.
I hate it.
Yeah, it's weird.
I like to feel it on me.
I want to feel the
like a burlap bag around you.
Yeah.
Yeah, I like it.
Potato sack.
Potato sack.
I do not like
tank top mesh shirts.
What depate is it that you're running into these?
They're very abrasive on the nipples.
You remember those?
I do not like those.
I do not wear those.
Very nice, Paul.
And I hear I thought for sure that
an error was made when you said you didn't like the shirts that are too short.
Right.
But you're right.
The worst shirt would be.
I'd much rather wear a shirt that's too short.
Yeah.
Can you imagine if Tom Lee showed up wearing a tank top mesh shirt in the middle of winter?
Yeah, they're sticking to the
comfy key.
Number one.
one.
That was number one.
That was number one.
That was number one.
That was number one.
I think we got another ad.
Bryce putting his glasses on.
Let's talk about Miundis.
Love talking about Miundis.
Hopefully they're not too soft.
Love wearing them.
Yeah.
These are not for you, Frank.
These are way too soft.
Imagine you're shopping and nothing fits right.
We've all been there.
Finding your perfect size can be annoying.
Things either fit like a glove or if you're straight up not having a good time.
Things either fit like a glove or you're not straight up not having a good time.
That's why Miyundis has the softest undies, bralettes, loungewear, and more that are made to fit just right.
And they do fit just right.
Do you have any Miundis, Frank?
I do not.
You know what?
I think we're probably around the same size.
I'm going to give you some because I have some extras.
Not used either.
I was going to say.
I'll still take it.
Boy, do I have a collection of Miyundis?
I love them.
Myundis believes that comfort is more about what's touching your skin.
It's about feeling comfortable in your skin.
And comfort starts with finding the perfect size and fit for you, which is why Myundi's wear tests all sizes extra small to 4xl that's what that's the size I have Frank 4XL for everything they make they also offer different cuts for different butts and bold colors to fun and adventurous prints I don't know
I think this is just copy so we could we can steal it yeah maybe that's the next new Frank 5 show different cuts for different butts we're not sure what the theme is yet
there will be costumes definitely gonna need costumes
we'll have to break that one out for emergencies Miyundi's wants you to find comfort in your size so the world can be a happier and comfier place for every booty.
Myondis promises if you're not comfortable with any product for any reason, you can return your order for a full refund within 45 days.
And they have a great offer for the listeners.
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So to get 15% off your first order, free shipping, and a 100% satisfaction guarantee, go to meandis.com/slash T-E-S-D.
That's meundis.com/slash T-E-S-D.
Love you, Myondis.
All right.
Glasses come off.
What are your feelings about like knit sweaters?
I don't like sweaters in general because I don't like the long sleeves.
Okay.
What about a sweater meat?
Sweater.
Yeah, now we're talking, right?
I can do that.
When I was a kid, I used to have to get those little skin tags, and every once in a while,
a sweater would catch on one, and it would hurt, and I'd be running around like screaming, like bloody murder.
Come on, you're making Mary Beth Nipples.
What's the next topic, Frank?
Okay, so next couple ones are Ways to Be a Good Neighbor, Correct Pet Peeves, and Ways to Deal with Traffic.
Did one of those upset you?
Which one?
Pet Pee.
Let's do Pet Peeves.
Oh, wow.
So...
Actually, let's save Pet Peeves for last.
We'll go out.
We'll go out on Pet Peeves.
So let's do Ways to Be a Good Neighbor because I have my thoughts.
on what makes a good neighbor.
Okay.
Was this the hardest one for you to do because you don't like to be a good neighbor?
Believe it or not i'm actually a great neighbor are you i am oh she's the bad neighbor she's the one who chases the kids out of the way
she's the one that yeah we haven't seen those kids in a while so she yelled at them but uh yeah mary mary i am the one that's the the popular one in the on the road
yeah i'm the one that the neighbors wave to i'm the one that helps out everybody hey hey hey
so so lawrence waves to you more than her absolutely okay absolutely he's a girlfriend too okay
and you got to admit that that's true yes see she's starting to get angry.
Really?
Because you're not popular with the neighbors?
No, I don't care.
I don't really go outside to see them.
Look at that crosser.
Yeah, you're a very defensive body.
No, I don't really go outside to see the neighbors.
I get along with the neighbors.
Just go on the nextdoor.com.
It's number five on your top five ways to be a good neighbor.
Don't talk to me.
I applaud that.
Exactly.
Yeah, I don't want to have conversations over the fence ever.
I mean, there are times that I will literally wait until my neighbor's next door go in the house for me to go outside and do something really quick because they want to have a conversation.
I agree with that.
And I don't, yeah, and we don't give off the vibe of, oh, hey, Frank wants to have small talk.
It's like I'm busy doing something and they still want to talk to me.
Unless you're going to tell me my house is on fire to alert me.
Yes.
Really, there's no other reason for us to talk.
I agree.
Frank,
your lights are a little bright, aren't they?
One of those 175s up there.
Mind your own business.
Right.
That goes hand in hand with Don't Talk to me.
But do you ever subscribe to it?
Because I'm sure you seem like the type of guy who knows things about what's going on in the street and loves to talk about it.
Maybe only when Mrs.
Five, but.
Like as a gossip?
I think he's a gospel.
I am not a gossip.
He's not a gossip.
No.
Is he a gossiper?
He doesn't talk about things that may be going on in the street.
Speculation?
No, he doesn't.
He does speculate.
I do.
Probably for both of us.
I do.
Because I'm always looking out for it.
You've got it with him?
Oh, yeah.
And I don't care.
But he doesn't.
I walk away.
I don't listen to it.
He doesn't listen.
Juicy stuff, or is it just like, you know, such-and-such just got a new car?
Yeah, stuff like that, because there's nothing juicy on our road.
There'd be nothing juicy.
The kids driving in your
kid in your driveway with you too.
I get annoyed very easily, so it can be a little thing, and I'm just annoyed.
Someone paints their front door, that kind of thing.
Yeah.
So I have to tell him and make sure it's known.
Yeah, to me.
Okay.
And I don't care.
But he doesn't listen.
What is the other one?
Oh, stay in the house.
Oh, my God.
There's no reason to be outside as much as some of these neighbors are outside.
I'm always in my house.
What are they doing out there?
Barbecuing, sitting.
You know, living a normal life.
Chatting.
Enjoying the sunlight.
Speculating on why YouTube never come out of that house.
I wash my car in the garage, so
I don't need to do it outside.
Do you really?
Yeah.
Because you know why?
If I have the DeLorean out and I'm washing the car, that seems to to be an invitation.
So everybody
stand with me.
It is a conversation starter.
Well, there's been times where they've talked, and as they walked away, I just started the car, pulled in the garage, shut the door, and I'll finish watching it in there.
Have you ever run?
Exactly.
Have you ever thought about like
have you ever thought about like accidentally turning the hose on them?
No, no, I'm not that bad.
He's trying to.
Well, he just said he's a great neighbor.
Really?
He thinks he's a great neighbor.
They probably think you're an idiot.
why am i an idiot
i snowblow people's driveways does he for them yeah he does you know that's a really good neighbor man i would kill for a neighbor like he does because you wish like rupp would move
he will yes and he and he the neighbor next door he does their walkway yeah why how come are the old people or
yeah but you've got that snowblower with like the enclosed cab and the heater right yeah yeah yeah yeah but it's a lot of snow we get a lot of snow
he still we get a lot of snow No.
Oh, and let me tell you, and I'll do her father's driveway.
So I'm driving the snowblower like halfway around the block to go do it.
So I'm in the road going and doing the
you have a snowblower that you drive around?
Well, I mean, walk behind it.
Oh, okay.
But it has red lights on it, so it blinks.
So if anyone's coming, they won't hit them.
Yeah, I put all these amber lights on it so I don't get hit.
Really?
Yeah, well, because she means we go down to do her father's, and I don't, you know, I usually do it like later to do it.
Do you have one in the morning?
What's the next one uh we have stay in the house don't talk don't talk to me what else you got there don't uh do your uh cut your grass cut your grass that bothers you huh bothers me when people don't like if my grass is cut
what doesn't that conflict with mind your own business
i don't think i i don't think i said f in business
i don't know maybe maybe there's somebody here at that at the table who doesn't give a fuck how long his grass gets he doesn't want to deal with poison ivy and and shit.
I mean, like, if my grass is cut, I just think that, and you, you called codes on that one person.
I never called.
Because you didn't know the number.
You squealed.
I yelled.
You didn't.
I wasn't going to.
I was very close.
Good neighbors.
I did not.
Really?
I never said I was a good neighbor.
I haven't heard one thing so far aside from the snow blowing that would make me think, hey, this guy's a great neighbor.
You actually squealed.
I did not squeal.
So I gave him one more day.
And I was going to call.
No.
he didn't know.
I did because I heard about it every day.
And the next day it was caught.
Maybe he told him.
I don't know.
So, but I never called.
But I was going to.
How long was it?
It was long.
Above shin?
Yeah, probably.
Yeah, it was pretty shining.
I don't know.
It was probably.
It was at least a foot.
Have you ever?
It's almost a foot high.
A foot would definitely be definitely above shin.
Yeah, it was high.
Have you ever considered changing your name to Karen?
He's back.
He's back.
Waga, waka.
Finally.
Because then you get mice and then you get, it just looks bad.
Mowdy mouse.
It does, but that really, like, you can't say I'm a mind-your-own business type of guy
if you're going to say you got to mow your grass.
Well, I am a mind-your-own business kind of person, but she likes people to have their grass mowed.
This isn't Mrs.
Five's top five.
But it impacts him.
It does impact me because every day I was hearing, oh, God, when are you going going to cut the grass?
He's calling from work.
How's it going to go?
Cut the grass.
He's got till Thursday.
And you're like, what's that thermostat said that?
I think it's making the grass go too much.
All these ultimatums, and I'm the only one hearing about them.
He's right.
It is very true.
But another thing.
I'm so sick of these people.
Even Katie cuts her grass.
Yeah.
Did we have one more?
That was it.
That was the number one.
Mow your lawn was the number one way that you are a good neighbor.
No, the number number one way I'm a good neighbor is: I'll, like I said, I will do people's driveways.
I will help them out.
Like, my neighbors are away.
So I.
You wrote that down.
That was your number one?
Yeah, that's my number one.
That you help out.
I do help my neighbors.
Like, my elderly neighbor, he got all that mulch, and I helped him shovel it all around his yard for him.
Oh, that is nice.
Yeah, that's a good guy.
You're a good neighbor with the neighbor.
And I get that with the neighbors that you like.
Which makes sense.
No, I know.
It makes sense.
Because, yeah, some he doesn't like.
And yeah.
How'd How'd you feel about the mulch?
Where you're like, you fucking stink, Frank.
As long as I don't have to do it, I don't care.
Well, it's very helpful because piled mulch can start a fire.
So that's.
Oh, it can from the light bulbs being too hot.
I'd say we do one more and then go pet peeves
for the big finale.
So what's some other ones you got to know?
You've got ways to deal with traffic, types of pockets.
All types of pockets.
Come on.
I wrote hot pockets.
That was what first came to my mind.
I was thinking like the Zippo pocket.
Do you have a Zippo pocket on there?
No.
Pocket rockets.
I was talking about like your pants pocket, your jacket pocket, your shirt pocket.
Hoodie pocket.
I thought they were all like the same.
So like I did, I put hot pockets, pocket pussy.
Then I put inside pockets and zip-up pockets.
And then I was like, what the hell is he talking about?
I'm glad you didn't mention that tonight with that, but
you mentioned.
Oh, no, I wasn't five or now, pocket pussy.
You want to hear number four?
Wow.
No, I'm surprised that, like, I didn't think I had to explain the topics in detail, but I guess in episode two, which will be on Patreon probably in April,
we'll go over the...
Unless there's an outcry.
I think this is a hit.
Yeah.
I think this is a fucking bona fide hit.
I think people are going to be talking about it.
It's going to be top five shows.
Yeah.
All right.
And then
my current pet peeves.
Yes.
I actually had a lot more than five, but I narrowed them down.
Wow.
So these we got here, five to one.
Wow, look at those eyebrows.
This is the one that, this is the one that caused some friction.
A little bit.
A little bit.
She wouldn't speak to him.
Yeah.
But about the grass.
I don't understand.
she we've been married for like 22 years I don't understand why these would upset you so much to the point of you yelling at me in the hotel room like we're trash
the whole floor hurt it well pretty much I was and then she was all mad and she did she like after she got done yelling at me she folded her arms like this and she sat there and then she took out the game she started playing her game and I'd ask her for something and she was like I'm not talking to you I'm not talking to
And but you,
knowing this was upsetting her, you didn't change your peeve?
No, I had to be true to you.
You didn't have to be.
I wouldn't have known it.
It's all about loyalty, man.
I'm loyal.
I thought it was all about Frank.
And that too.
More Frank than loyal.
All of these bother me, so there's really no top five.
But like one of the things that I dislike is when people talk very, very softly.
Mary talks very softly I can't hear and I'm constantly huh
what and it's like speak up so people think like you're deaf or something to the point that when we were in stores during wearing masks I would talk to him and he would just like flip out like I can't hear you with that mask on
you make it sound like I'm throwing stuff around target I'm like I can't hear what you're saying well in the middle of the store like that I can't hear what you're saying.
Then just talk louder.
Well, I didn't know at that minute I wasn't talking loud enough because you didn't just say, I'm sorry, I I can't hear what you're saying.
Because I would be saying that a thousand times a day.
Just talk loud.
I've told you right now, I'm saying it blanket, blanket.
I can't hear you that well.
You need to talk louder.
Just speak louder, that's all.
Have you ever seen there's these really cheap hearing aids?
I don't need a hearing aid.
Bose makes some really nice ones.
Yeah, and they're discreet.
I don't need a hearing aid.
But I know you, absolutely, you do not need a hearing aid.
But it would help, you know, if Mrs.
Five doesn't have to raise her voice so much, though, if you were.
So now I got to wear a hearing aid because she can't talk louder.
Maybe, no.
no, wait, but I think I have
the perfect solution.
Those over-the-ear walkie-talkies that we said when we were kids with a little microphones.
Yeah.
What's your next question?
Five, I feel your pain because I speak very low, and a lot of times people are like, I cannot hear what you're saying.
Like, even like on the podcast, I'll be able to have to turn it way up to hear me because my voice is just normally or naturally very low.
I hear you a lot better than her.
Yeah, she's just too soft.
But a lady speaks in soft tones.
Hey, Frank.
Is that what you did?
When you first met her, if she was speaking with this lady.
Yeah, but do you think you would have
stuck around and married herself?
You didn't care about it, but you were better.
Probably was like, oh, I love the way she speaks and whispers.
Yeah, so soft and relaxing and soothing.
Who knew 22 years later, he'd be like, bitch!
Turn the volume all the way up when she calls.
Just talk louder.
It's not difficult.
Just do what I ask.
Just talk.
You know what I mean?
Can I talk loud?
You want me to talk louder while I lower the thermostat?
This annoys me so much.
I will lower the, or I would raise the thermostat if you would just talk louder for me.
Instead of me constantly being like, I can't hear you.
I can't hear you.
Because you know what it is, truly?
It's not so much you.
It's me.
It's because it makes me feel bad because I know I can't hear the way I used to.
So you got that hearing aid.
I don't need a hearing aid.
She just needs to talk louder because I can hear everybody else.
Number four.
Oh, God, gum smacking.
Candy smacking.
You know when somebody eats and you're like,
it's like being with a cow.
That's not even true.
In the passenger seat.
Oh, you're telling me that was coward.
It's not true, yes.
These are all about this fun.
They were pretty fun.
Hey, cow.
Oh,
my God.
And it's not.
Yes, I do chew gum, but I don't chew it like that.
Sometimes I will if I'm not paying attention, but then I rein it in and I'll chew it.
Only after I say something.
I'll say to you, you got to do something with the gum.
No, but then even after that, it's the tiniest little noise like you're listening for it.
And they'll look at me.
We already know I can't hear, so how loud will that?
Yeah.
No, he does not.
He's going to say, come on.
Yeah, one time we were in the car and she just got so, and it just was out of nowhere.
I just said, you got to stop doing, chewing the gum like that.
I said, it sounds like a cop.
Do you pop the bubble?
Like, do you chew the bubble?
I mean, he would throw me out of the car if I was popping the bubbles.
No.
She got so mad when I said it to her.
She just rolled down the window and she threw the gum out the window.
She goes, well, I guess I just won't have gum then.
You know, like it was something against me.
You could chew gum.
I just need it to be a little softer.
That's not around him.
In another car.
Number three.
But I just want to go back to the gum.
So here's what he'll do.
He'll be sitting there driving, right?
He'll be sitting there driving and I'll say something.
It'll be quiet or whatever.
And then I'll ask him a question and he'll be like, could you stop chewing a gum that loud?
It's like, we're not even talking.
We're talking about me asking you another question.
And you're yelling at me about this gum.
So I know you're sitting there listening and it's making your blood boil a little.
I'm stretching to listen because I know I'm not going to be able to hear you in the first place.
So then you're amplified cow chewing
just makes me
cross.
But wait, but then when he chews gum, I do it perfectly fine.
Yeah.
Yo.
He chews it louder.
Expert gum chewers.
Oh, you should see how I chew gum.
Oh, it's gross.
It's great oh is it yeah it's i'm really mad at it right now
i'm really mad at you you really made it see
chew gum like a ninja yes
what do you got what's next
you dig digging deeper frank um
moving my car seat
i have a feeling this is about you too
because god forbid i should see when i drive she has to drive the car safely i realize she can't reach the pedals here's what I would like her to do: go to telephone book.
She could move the seat forward.
Right.
That's it.
When you start moving the back.
Oh, so she's like the up, the down, the back.
I get in, and it just takes me weeks to get it the way I like it.
Because it's all about Frank.
I empathize with you because I had to drive his car.
And he has his seat.
His tee pointing to me.
Waltz, sorry.
I had to drive Walt's car occasionally.
and he keeps his seat up against the steering wheel.
And it's like I have to contort my way into it.
So you don't move his seat back.
Oh, I do.
I move it back once I get in, and I change the mirrors.
But then I don't know where he wants his seat, so I just leave it like that when I leave the vehicle with him.
Yeah.
God forbid I touched the mirror.
What's next, Brady?
This would be, what, number two?
I don't know.
I think he's got about 12 there.
I cross a bunch out.
I have one that's not about you, but that's number six.
So she's addicted to the internet.
Oh, no, really?
No.
You're constantly playing that game.
All right, here's.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
What else you have to say?
That's all I have to say.
Okay, so here's, let me just say this.
Go ahead.
You have the floor, Mrs.
Fox.
After dinner, whenever, if, you know, you need to relax.
Before bed.
Right.
Okay, so I go on my phone.
Now he doesn't, he's not talking to me, not for any reason.
He's doing whatever he's doing.
The minute I pick up my phone, he wants attention.
So he'll come over and he's like, what are you doing?
And he'll look, you're playing that game again?
How many times are you going to play that game?
You're addicted to that game.
I'm like, no, you're not talking to me at the minute.
So I just went on my phone to play my game.
But now I'm addicted to this game.
But it's not, because you play after you play against other people.
So when they play, you have to, you play again back at them.
How many hours a day would you say is taken up by this?
Because
I have a similar experience.
Do you really?
Yeah.
I would say probably three.
No, no.
You're constantly on that game.
I'm constantly seeing that little black and purple screen.
But if so, and now here, let me ask you this question.
If we're sitting in bed or whatever and he's watching a movie or watching something, and I said that to him today, am I supposed to just put my phone away and just sit there like this while you're watching a TV show that I have no interest in?
Yes.
I have the same thing.
She plays a game called Neopets.
Hours and hours and hours a day.
More than three?
Yeah, I'd say so.
Oh, definitely.
Yeah, I'd say so.
Probably as many as five or six hours a day sometimes.
Well, six would be a quarter of the day.
Right, I know.
And she sleeps the other two.
The other half of the day.
So there's not a lot of time left for me.
I was going to say, if you check, if you have the screen time feature on your phone.
Yes, I do.
And you check, can you check right now and see what it says for?
Where are my glasses?
We don't know how to use this.
Oh, here, see all the activity.
Okay, all right.
Look what number one is.
Word blitz.
What?
What?
Okay, 35 minutes a day on word blitz.
That's today.
Okay.
That's a lot.
Wait, no, before we
go against it.
We were picked up early today.
So this is just for me.
But I could be playing.
If I was addicted to it, I'd be playing it all the time.
We were in a three-hour movie today.
So I could, if I was addicted, I would want to play it in the movie.
Yeah.
Today I was on my phone for two and a half hours all day.
That's just today.
Go to the day, go to a different day.
Okay, good.
What's the other two hours then?
I was checking emails for words.
Social media, half hour.
Internet, half hour.
And then messages.
No,
four minutes on words with friends.
How many?
Four minutes.
Four.
Oh.
Because I probably just checked it out.
Might be a little
bit out of line here, Frank.
I'm sorry.
Here's yesterday.
My word game was an hour.
Social media, Instagram, Facebook was an hour.
Internet was 20 minutes.
But before we go against me, you have to consider.
That Frank's not getting attention.
What we were doing yesterday.
We were out for most of the day, so of course he's not going to play that.
We got to find out.
What day do you want me to check?
Why don't you check my birthday?
Do you know what day that is?
Do you even know?
Tell me another day.
I don't know.
What day is it today?
Saturday.
Is it your favorite day?
Thursday.
That's a good contention.
I know.
How about this?
Sorry, Thursday.
Oh, my God.
Thursday.
Or go before that.
Go when you were home, before you actually had to go back to work.
I know we could play game at home.
Like on the ride home, I watched this five to have like four.
Here you go.
So there we go.
An hour.
52 minutes.
An hour.
Facebook.
The day before it was an hour.
Facebook, 52 minutes.
Look at that.
Classic words, 12 minutes.
12 minutes.
Oh, my God.
12 minutes.
Frank didn't get attention.
It all adds up.
It's all added up.
I got to say, this feels,
seeing as what I deal with, it seems like lightweight type stuff.
Yeah.
All right.
What can we?
Watch a TV.
I'm surprised Walt's not talking about it.
Watch a TV for work.
But he does.
You don't want to talk until I'm doing something and then you want him to talk.
Like if I read a book, if I want to read my book, then he's in my face.
What are you doing?
I'm surprised Walt's not chiming in about me and Pokemon Go.
And then
do you, would you dress it at the time?
Yeah, I tell him to leave me alone.
I'm reading my book.
Yeah.
And then
you just skulk off.
No, I sit there.
Do you sulk?
Yeah.
Yeah, he sulks.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I'll try and grab the phone.
I'll try to grab the phone, but it's a timed game.
I have to give it a break.
And I have to hear the same thing.
I play against other people.
It's timed.
My next one is, I like the sheet over the blanket.
Oh, my God.
Wait.
So when you're in a bed, all the sheets come up to you this way.
The inner sheet, I like it to be folded over so that it's one
overall the blankets.
Right, overall.
A lip.
A lip.
A small lip.
Yeah, okay.
Yes.
All right.
She will not do that.
When the bed is made or when you're in like it.
When I'm in it.
So what happens is, because she will not do that on her side, whenever I.
Yeah, you guys are insane.
Because.
I was frank on this.
It's insane.
It's me.
No, I was frank on this because.
I really need another cheerleader.
I was frank on this because you can just, in one swift motion, you can pull it even and steady.
Okay, but what if the other person doesn't like it that way?
Well, then they got it.
It's wrong.
He's telling me it's wrong.
It is wrong.
There was that one time I took the scissors and we cut it in half.
No, you were going to cut it.
No, I cut that one that one time.
Oh, I don't remember that.
And I had mine was folded over, and yours was all willy-milly the way you liked it.
Why don't you just go
Ricky and Lucy?
Yeah.
No, no.
Two beds, same room.
Oh, okay.
Pump beds.
See, I had this issue and I ended up sewing the blankets together.
So they were all one unit, so they all moved at once.
It's mostly because I found two blankets.
Wow, that's a pet peeve.
Yeah, like Hat White.
That was number one, right?
Yeah, that's pretty high up there.
They were all, I would say they're all my number ones.
There was one above that one?
Is there one more we didn't hear?
Yeah, I don't like it when companies change their products.
Like
the soaps, you know, like if everything is great and everything.
Nothing improves, they say.
Yeah, and then I'm forced to have to go on the internet and buy old
stocks of soap.
Is that that lime soap that you were looking for?
It was lever that went.
I have switched to them.
The Ulta one.
Oh, the Ulta one they switched.
So I just forgot them.
I went with a different brand.
So what was the one that bothered you the most about the pet peeves?
Was it the internet?
This list?
Yeah, probably the internet because it's...
Because she's overly defensive about it.
No, because it's not true.
From the evidence we were shown, it seems like it's not true.
But you're saying she spends hours a day on that.
And I don't play this game on my iPad.
So that's...
Do you have cameras in your house?
Not yet.
No.
No.
You got to get them.
You got to get them.
You put one right on the thermostat.
You put one
right where she normally plays her games.
No, you can get one of those.
I'm going to really be looked at as crazy person.
No, you can get one of that ones and you can adjust it from your phone where you are.
So she sets it up, you can set it right back down and see if she notices.
No, I'm not going to make her a prisoner in the home.
More so than Jeremy is.
That's crazy talk.
I just, you know what it is?
I love you so much.
I just want to have conversations.
I just want.
Okay, but then when I say, okay, and I'll put it down when I'm done with my game and I'll say, okay, what do you want to talk about?
Oh, nothing.
69.
Or how was your day?
Or some nonsense.
It's not for any reason.
It's just the point of
this sounds like a problem that you have,
right?
Yeah, I think
yes, I think that's a problem.
Control issue, they're saying.
I think maybe.
I think some of the listeners might be thinking the same thing, too.
You want to address that?
I
what's that sound?
Is it a vacuum cleaner?
Is it a vacuum cleaner right here?
Seems like we're out of time.
Yeah, darn.
Tell them, Steve, Dave.
You know, you say it out loud and talk about it, and you do sound like an asshole.
Stop running, right?
What was that thing you said in the beginning, though, during the intro?
