#480: The Human Fifi

My cattle was pissed in my face the other day.

I would never fart in a restaurant.

Why is he doing it?

Why?

But where did you go?

Tell him Steve Dave.

Hello and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave.

I'm here with Walt.

Yep.

And I am here with our very own award-winning prankster.

Uh-oh.

Award-winning

Brian Quinn.

You haven't heard about this award?

He's got some hardware.

I got a popcorn bucket.

He was honored.

Yeah.

MTV, yeah, yeah.

Oh, nice.

Well, hold on.

Oh, see, now you ruined my whole plan because

I had a whole plan to come in here and

act like a big shot and hope that one of you was going to realize that it was an MTV, movie, and TV unscripted award and

use that to bring me low.

So I was like, I was saying, and then...

So Stacey's here today, first time in a long time.

And we were driving up, I was was like, I hope, like, I hope they know that it's an unscripted so they know to undercut me.

Okay, all right.

Why?

Your plan may still work.

All right, excellent, excellent.

So you received an award, Jokers received an award from MTV Music Awards.

Music and television, yeah.

No, movie and television.

And do you feel that it's not as lofty an achievement because it went for the unscripted?

No, no, I don't think that, but I think, I think all MTV awards are bullshit.

So it's like, I feel like it's on the same like, even the kids' choice awards are more respected.

It's MTV.

I don't know if that's true.

I think they're all like

slimed.

I wish.

No, we, it's like, we, I would have loved to look.

We, we actually won because the fans voted on Aris, and we won, which is cool.

Who are you going up against?

That's a great question.

I know Ridiculousness was on there, which is a huge show.

You know, that show is terrible.

Well, it's

a popular show.

It's got a lot of fans.

It's terrible.

And we beat it, but we were

fucking the

creme de la creme delivery.

Let me walk through the scripted, though.

Sure.

But are we?

So the, the, so, all right, so I was supposed to fly home from Los Angeles on

last Sunday.

And they're like, hey, MTV really wants you to stick around

and attend the ward show.

And of course, I was like, well, why the, you know, I don't really, you know, I don't care what MTV.

I don't work for MTV.

And then

our publisher was like, you should stay, which basically I was like, oh, okay, so we won, which we weren't allowed to know beforehand, but they really wanted us there.

So I stayed for five days, and I was like, wait a minute, I was like, oh, I'm going to go to the MTV, movie, and television awards.

I was like, no more music.

Well, it's a separate.

That's a separate.

That's the Moon Man Award.

This is movie and television.

And this is the popcorn bucket.

So I was like, all right, I'll stay out in LA a few extra days and

go to the MTV awards.

This will be fun, right?

I know it's COVID, so it can't be what it is.

But it turns out that they've split it into two nights.

So

the first night were the MTV, movie, and television awards, and the second night were the MTV, movie, and television awards, subtitled Unscripted.

And the big award of the night was Jersey Shore got the Lifetime Achievement Award from MTV for reality.

That was the other night had, you know, your Snoop Doggs and your Jonas Brothers.

What's included in a Lifetime Achievement Award for Jersey Shore?

I don't know.

What did they do?

I will say this.

That fucking kid, Vinny, is awesome.

And so it's, yeah, I got to talking to a few of the cast members there, and it's like, I was like, I was like, this kid is.

They got him.

He got me.

They got him.

Fucking they got him.

He got me.

I was like, this motherfucker still lives on Staten Island.

I was like, we should hang out.

I was like, this guy's all right.

He sees it.

So this is Paulie D?

No, this is Vinny.

Vinny, yeah.

He's the big moment.

No, he's the one that everybody's like.

He's the most normal on the show.

He's kind of like quieter.

But I really, I really liked him.

And then when we got up there to accept the award, he started chanting Staten Island.

So I was like, oh, this kid's all right.

I mean, kid, he's probably in his.

He's older than you.

Yeah, he's 52.

No, he's like 30.

He's got to be in his 30s by now.

But

yeah, so we get there.

And because of COVID, first of all, they're like, get, you know, show up.

True sense is there two hours early.

No one else is there for two hours.

Just me, Joe, and

Maurice.

How can I make it out there?

And no food,

alcohol, or water inside the theater.

And you have to wear

because of COVID.

So it's like, well, what?

But I'm here for five hours.

What do you mean?

There's not even water?

And there's like no water.

So I'm like, well, already this isn't the fucking party.

Can you just go in the bathroom and just go out of the sink?

Yeah, you could.

Yeah.

Absolutely good.

Just because you're going to win an award, you can't get a right to bottled water.

And then you get in there and you're sitting there and they're giving awards to TikTok stars.

And they're giving an award to like,

and it must be said, like, some people are so nice, like The Bachelor, which I've never watched, but the whole cast was super nice.

I was like, oh, these are cool people.

The main guy wasn't there, though, right?

Couldn't have been.

I thought he had to go away and

think.

Yeah, you had to think a while.

Hopefully he's thinking.

And he was not there.

But yeah, it was definitely.

So Nikki Glazer's hosting in the whole show.

All she's doing is ripping on reality TV and being like, you guys make us feel better about ourselves.

And

we look down on you.

And it was all this shit to the point where Snookie, I don't know if this made the air.

By the way, you look at over at the Jersey Shore table, and they have bottles of tequila, and they're just drinking.

Really?

And I'm like, well, what the fuck, man?

But then I'm like, well, you know what?

If True TV threw this, you could bet your ass I'd breeze in there doing whatever I wanted.

You know what I mean?

They're definitely like

MTV.

They can do what they want.

Yeah.

So I got it, but she was drunk and she started screaming.

I don't know if this made the air.

She started yelling at Nikki Glazer

for talking down to everybody.

So Snookie, I was in the enviable position of Snookie standing up for me.

And at one point, I was just like, all right.

I was like, I didn't really, you know, here we are.

So we got the award, but,

you know.

Wow.

Well, I can tell you who you're up against.

Oh, okay.

Thank you.

Thanks to Giddem.

Flores Lava.

Oh, all right.

I've enjoyed that.

Kids say the darndest things.

I haven't seen it.

Get your hand on my pants, Bill Cosby.

Nick Cannon presents Wild and Out.

I thought he was out.

He was on the outs, too.

Didn't he do it?

No, he apologized.

It's okay because he apologized.

I don't know why it's okay for Nick Cannon and not any number of other people.

It's fine.

Maybe he's thinking about it too.

That's a positive.

He's going to be better.

He's going to do better.

Everybody has to do better.

I hope he does.

So.

All right.

So that's who we're up against.

We won.

And look, it's cool.

Like, they're sending me the popcorn bucket.

Now, were they there, these other people, or just the winners are there?

Turns out just the winners were there.

And it also turns out that people started leaving halfway through the show.

So like the table next was like people won their award for like sunset, whatever.

And they just got up and left and they would leave because you had to, unless you wanted to go in the bathroom and fucking sip out of the bowl.

The sink.

Sure, well, whatever.

I mean,

they were like, fend for yourselves when it comes to this.

And it was like nobody wanted to be there.

The crew was not happy to be there.

Everybody had to wear masks.

And like when they cut to commercials, they would come out and they'd be like put your mask on put your mask on and the RuPaul the the drag race guys um

had all this makeup on so they were like well we're just not doing that because it'll ruin the makeup so then they didn't want to do it and the woman was like well you have to put it on and and you know the the drag queen was like i'm not ruining this makeup with a mask so deal with it and then when they heard it then this fucking TV show about selling Sunset Boulevard, I don't know.

She starts going, well, if they're not wearing it, I'm not wearing it.

And so now, like, there's a fucking hubbub going on.

Like, people are getting yelled at and stuff like that.

And I was like, this is so opposite what I thought the MTV movie awards would be.

I thought there'd be party,

all line of Coke on the table, like any, anything, anything.

Did this air?

Yeah, it aired Monday night.

Monday night.

Yeah.

You should have taken a page out of their book instead of being so fucking passive and being like, I don't really need water.

That's okay.

You should have been like, fuck that shit.

Where am I going to get?

Half tequila.

Oh, yeah, I guess you couldn't have done it.

I can't have a dowering rod.

Get water?

There was no water to be had.

I mean, it was done.

If I were you, I wouldn't get too attached, though, to that award, though, because I hear a lot of these places that give out awards.

Oh, yeah, the foreign press.

They have to.

Then once something goes wrong, or

the board

or the people who nominate the nominee, the nomination boards, they get taken to task for.

doing things that they shouldn't have done.

Sure, improper.

Yeah, and then anybody who got an award

under it when they were in in charge of things,

you have to give it back.

You have to disown it.

I don't think I'm going to have to do that with this because it was fan voted.

So I'm not relying on.

Are any of those fans black?

Because if they're not, you have to send that.

I'm assuming right now.

I'm assuming at least 30% of them.

There's got to be some.

What's up here?

What's in your craw today, man?

You're not just making fun of me.

You're going on about.

This fucking mask shit.

Like you talk about the mask stuff.

I was talking to Walt earlier about it, and I just, I don't understand.

I got my vaccine yeah my second one i didn't post a picture of it though you didn't do the thumbs up i got i didn't yeah i didn't i feel left out a little bit like i should have done it you didn't do it either i didn't do it i figured who cares if i got the vaccine

but um the the government you know fauci this fucking guy that everybody's listening to for so long is like okay you don't have to wear the mask anymore indoors

Trust the science, everybody said.

Trust the science.

And now look, the states are individually like New Jersey.

It's like, nope, we're not going to to listen.

Yeah.

You got to wear masks.

Why the fuck did I go get the fucking vaccine if I still have to wear a fucking mask?

Because other people who don't want to fucking get it

are out there running around.

Well, the lady, I'm sitting there getting the vaccine.

She's like, she's wearing two, she's fully vaccinated.

Yeah.

She's wearing two masks.

She's telling me a story about how somebody was fucking eating on a plane and leaving their mask up and how awful they were and how she went to Oklahoma and how awful Oklahomans are because they're not wearing masks.

All I can fucking say is like, well, I heard that Texas has almost no cases.

Is that true?

You haven't had masks in months.

Is that true about Texas?

I mean, I don't know what to believe.

I mean, the news is skewed, you know, to whatever side you're on.

So who knows if that Texas report is true or not?

What if I'm on my side?

Who gives me the news?

I don't know what to do.

But I just don't understand that.

It's like now it's like, well, you have to worry about these other people who didn't.

When I was there, there were probably, I'm not exaggerating, probably 25 stations where you could get the vaccine.

Yeah.

Maybe five people.

Yeah.

So if they're available, they're out there.

And people can't be like, oh, I'm working because I see people driving around all fucking day causing traffic.

But you don't have to,

but you don't have to wear them.

Like, where do you have to wear the mask now?

I thought you could walk down the street and shit like that.

I was doing that anyway.

Oh, all right.

So then what is it?

But they're saying you don't have to wear it indoors.

Like in some situations, you don't have to wear it indoors.

No, you have to still wear it indoors.

No, you still, yeah, you still have to.

New Jersey.

In New York, the governor said you guys can take your masks off the doors now.

New Jersey, you still can't.

I mean,

I probably still wouldn't, I guess.

That's only because you don't want to get recognized.

What if you're a normie?

Oh, yeah.

That's true.

Yeah, if you're not an MTV, movie, and television world.

I don't have any popcorn bucket in my hand.

Unscripted.

What's your papers?

Do papers like

it's like a report card you're carrying on.

I know.

Gedam has a nice little holder for his.

Mine's just a plastic piece of shit that they gave me.

Courtesy of fucking New Jersey.

I just think that

they're going to have to get in line with the other states.

If all the states just follow what the CDC has said,

Jersey will eventually lift the indoor masking, too.

They got to.

It's ridiculous now where it's like you go into a restaurant.

It's like, hey, wear a mask until you're at your table.

And then once you sit down, it's fine, even though everybody's around you.

It's so fucking ridiculous and arbitrary.

That's what it's it makes it really.

It's a beginning sense.

That you can walk into a restaurant and then walk four feet.

You're like, oh, whew, we're sitting down.

We could take these off.

We're safe now.

Thank God.

Well, the idea is like if the mask off while you're walking, you might trail

COVID, the crop dust.

You know, like you're letting it silence far and keep walking.

Like, you might cry crop dust COVID all the way.

But let's say I forgot.

I mean, we're in an unprecedented situation.

I mean, you can't.

But let's say I forgot my jacket out in the car.

Yeah.

I want to go back out and get it.

Yeah.

It's a little chilly in the restaurant.

Okay.

I got to put my mask back on to walk back out to the car to get my jacket.

Because you're going to crop dust.

Yeah.

What do you mean, literally?

Crop dust?

No, because let's say you had COVID and it's like.

I would never fart in a restaurant.

No.

You can't fart COVID.

No, no.

At all.

I think you can.

You can fart COVID.

It was a lot of fecal.

Holy shit.

There's a lot of fecal COVID cases going out there.

Really?

Yeah, it's one of the highest.

That's where a lot of COVID concentrates is in the fecal matter.

I'm not fucking around with you.

Yeah, there was a story that where in China, that's where they were testing people to swab your ass.

That's where it all stores.

Oh, all right.

It's like fat in your gut.

It's like the COVID just likes to live around your butthole, they say.

I don't know why.

Maybe they think it's safer there.

It is weird, right?

Your shot can't get me here.

The vaccine will go all the way down here.

Wow.

Okay, but I still feel like something happened to set you off because this is, I haven't seen this level of anger.

I think I just have a lot of unspent energy because there's fucking nothing to do.

What would you do?

What would you do if

the masked weren't?

I might go somewhere.

Come fuck my house tomorrow.

Come hang out tomorrow.

All right.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll come by tomorrow.

Come by tomorrow.

Although, last time, I got to tell you, Walt, I was a little nervous when I went to his place.

It looks like a fucking orange grove.

There's so many clementines there.

He's back on them.

What's a clementine?

Those little oranges he was eating, remember?

Oh,

it's true.

The seven pounds I took off, I put back on.

But that was L.A.

What, being in LA?

Yeah.

It's not possible to go there and not put weight on.

I mean, El Compadre is like my favorite restaurant in the world, and it's 20 feet from my hotel.

So it's just door dashed burritos in my fucking face like every two hours.

And then you see every friend that you want to see and stuff like that.

And what are you going to do?

How do you spend time aside from like, hey, let's go out and get something to eat?

I'll tell you,

I ate out three different restaurants in LA.

I felt pretty safe.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

They're open for indoor dining.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, it's their mask deal.

Same.

You would not be happy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But

it was good to be in L.A., you know?

It was fun.

Yeah, you got to see some people.

Got to see a lot of people.

So Myra or Mosier or

back in L.A.?

I thought he was like, he is outside of L.A.

Yeah.

Now, I went to go see, spent the night at his place.

It was good.

It was great.

It's good to see people catch up.

I don't know.

Win an award, Walt.

That's nice.

Yeah, that's good.

I mean, if you're going to go all the way out there, you might as well get an award for dining.

Yeah.

So, so

nothing happened?

No, nothing.

It's just the building up of this mask shit.

Because, like, I'll go

somewhere, and I'll be like, fuck, I forgot the mask.

I got to walk all the way back to the car, get the goddamn mask so that I can fucking not infect people.

I don't care if I infect people.

I don't care.

They care.

Yeah.

It's their fault at this point.

It's up to them.

Yeah.

It exists.

A vaccine exists.

So if you don't want it, go get the fucking vaccine.

Right.

And the only reason I got it was so that

he's a mask that Ivan used.

Look at what he has.

That's better.

Face shields.

Yeah.

How is that better?

It is better because I could see, I could breathe.

You can't see in a mask?

Well, no, but like, I mean, I can still see through this.

But I can see it so much better.

It's like, well, I can't see through the visor.

Right.

No, I mean, I can see, I see better.

I think this is a healthy prescription visor.

Get them argued that it's not better because all the COVID will waft up from underneath.

You know what?

Like I said, though,

even wearing that mask though, I haven't gotten it.

So Gidem is wrong.

What the fuck does Gidem now?

Speaking of Gidem,

I don't know if the mics caught any of what we were talking about beforehand.

Yeah.

Your question.

So apparently there's a journal now.

There's a secret

TSC general store journal.

Business journal.

Yeah, store journal.

Store journal.

And get them.

We only started it today, though.

Yeah.

Oh, today's the first day?

Yeah.

Okay.

So it's a little book says record.

And then what are you recording in here?

Just notable.

Just anything.

There's going to be nothing of note.

Let's be honest.

There will be nothing of note that goes in there because.

Get them out Chinese for lunch again.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I feel like you're like, I think there could be no further

point

in like the lives me and you are leading at this point.

You're going out to the fucking West Coast, you know, you're winning awards.

You're talking to fucking celebrities.

We used to be on TV.

And

I am coming every day from the Jersey Shore

to the general store in hopes of making one sale because there's times when we don't even make a sale and spending

just hours on end just watching television with Giddam.

I'm not saying it's a bad existence, but it's a very.

I'm alive.

I ain't living.

there.

Like a Brooks Handling.

Yeah, I just have a very um

like surreal state of um of mind right now.

Like at times I'm like, I don't know if what I'm doing is um

worthy of a life, you know, being led at this point because I'm like, Welcome to the club.

I called called out the last 30 years.

I leave town for one week and I come back.

Places and shit.

You want to come to my house tomorrow?

Come hang out, have an orange?

Me and Walt went shopping for Nikes together.

It's just a really, really weird

period where I'm like, it's the same existence.

Like today I woke up at 11.30 and I slept too long, so I had a headache all day long.

And I I told Giddem, I was just like, I think I slept too long.

And he goes, that's not, that's a, that's a, what'd you call it?

That, that, that can't happen.

You can't get a pressure headache.

Misnomer.

And so we just argued, we just kind of argued about like that.

You can get a headache if you sleep too much.

Yeah.

You can get one.

No, that's not in the journal.

Well, I want to keep going with this.

Everything's coming up.

Yeah, so then I asked Giddam today, like, something came on the television, and I asked him if

one of the characters in the show we're watching, you know, he was maintaining that he was in his prime, but he was in his 40s.

And I asked Giddem, I was like,

Do you feel you've passed your prime, have not reached your prime, or are in the middle of your prime?

And Giddam, what was your response again?

I haven't hit my prime yet.

And I maintain that there's not many men at his age that are waiting to hit their prime.

I mean, it's very, I think the numbers are minuscule of guys who hit their prime past 45, right?

Statistics.

It depends on

what we're talking about, too, though.

Like prime.

Prime physical prime.

Like ass slaying.

That's gone.

Ass slaying.

You could probably slay more ass than you are today.

I agree there.

Yeah.

But what do you mean you're not in your prime yet?

I'd like to think that prime is.

But what do you mean by prime?

Back in shape, you know,

you know, slaying it with the ladies.

Getting cysts all over again.

You can include in your prime getting the fuck out of that house too, like having your own place again.

That's why I think it's in the future.

But it doesn't seem like he ever feels bad.

No, no.

No, that's where, that's one of the things I even told him.

I was just like, because I have been feeling out of sorts.

I have been feeling worthless.

And

coming here,

watching TV with him, he has...

really made it fun, at least, you know, to sit there and watch TV, though.

Yeah.

Because of his incredibly

positive in the face of fucking incredibly

daunting existence

that's still like, you know, like, you know, like

nothing, nothing down, he's like, fails upwards and upwards, like a navy celebrity now.

He's like,

wow.

Next on Jersey Shore.

Dude, none of us are Jersey Shore.

Wow.

Wow.

I'm really, this is,

I feel like I got three people in front of me that all need attention.

I don't know who to go with

first.

I don't want, but don't.

Gita needs it the least.

Are you drawing?

Are you doing stuff during the day?

Yeah, but I guess it's just my day-to-day routine now

just consists of

just like

catering to like, if I'm lucky, one person

who may come in here.

And then there's some days where we're waiting like three days in a row with

no people in here.

So you're blaming the listeners.

No, no.

No, you should.

You should.

I'm just saying.

You could not expect people to be coming in here.

I did not expect that at all.

So there were no expectations.

I always knew it would be like that.

But then when you actually sit here and go,

I come home after a hard day's work of watching Love Boat.

Yes, I saw today's journal.

Let's see if I may.

The general store opened at 11.05.

Walt arrived at 13.01, 13.09.

Walt asked if Giddim is in his prime.

Based on

Strand Bean Stoobing.

Okay.

California FaceTimer?

That's the one who came in from California.

He was FaceTiming with an air.

Okay.

And then at 14.45, you started Love Boat Season 2.

Yes.

At 16.30, you finished season 2, episode 2.

Yes, it's a two-parter.

And at 1800,

which is 6 o'clock for everybody who's not familiar with military.

By the way, kudos for using military time.

That's a a nice detail.

Uh, the general store closed, and that's the first thing I think.

Wow, we're all gonna be barburgers like that.

Okay, wait, can I make a suggestion?

Yeah, if you want to drum up some business for the Telm C Dave general store and keep busy, what if we started a TESD general store cameo

and then you guys could like do videos throughout the day and stuff like that?

So it's like

give you something to do, bring a little money, you know what I mean?

Yeah, That might be more to fucking.

I like how it's going.

No, no, no, no, no, no, it's all depressing.

This is the future.

It's on demand.

Yeah.

But who's going to really want that, though?

You know, who's really going to want that?

I would pay $25 for a campaign for this guy.

No, we do like, we do like, we'll do like a Telen Steve Dave general store, right?

And then you guys will have something to do.

And then like, we, you know, we could do some.

We will pop in and we'll, we'll do some.

It'll be random who you get.

oh yeah

and then that that one that you do and then everybody's like i got fucking get them or

and then you got q that's right that

the new show the new show that's tell him steve dave oh yeah yeah

oh well this is good

we need i needed an audio only podcast for like for something because the guys that are editing our videos yeah um in case they fall behind i needed a like a break glass in case of emergency podcast audio.

So we just, me and him just did a podcast about, again, just being at the store for an afternoon.

It's pretty depressing.

Oh, man, what's going on here?

It was not an uplifter.

It wasn't one that people are going to be like, well, it wasn't.

I mean, again, it's just reflections of

two lives who are not really living.

We're like,

we are literally on the porch

of, you know, at the, like,

counting down the hours to punching out of the final clock.

That's what we're doing here.

I also feel like you guys could have invested in a bigger TV.

We got that from 12.

That is really small.

I mean, it's basically a computer monitor.

It's not even a television.

It's a TV monitor from the old stash.

Yeah, I don't know.

You guys don't think you can get it.

Would a bigger TV fit on that?

Yeah, Hashgarny.

Yeah.

But either way, we can get someone in and install a bigger television for you guys.

You guys don't have to.

But it's a piece of the old stash, though.

Yeah.

Who gives a fuck?

You care about the old stash.

We're going to have to go into that one.

What?

I never even know.

You know, yeah, you know,

I've never looked up there and gone, I wish I had a bigger TV, though.

The ceiling tiles are bigger than your television.

I think that's an issue, but

I don't know if that would make anything

different.

Really?

But I mean, I feel like it's a quality of life thing.

And maybe if you just started doing like a dozen small upgrades like that, it would be.

I would need a dozen more.

I don't know.

I'm too exhausted after fucking thinking about getting a bigger TV.

You're too young for this, man.

You're supposed to be his.

He has been.

He has been.

Big enough for me.

Yeah, but you live in a crackdown.

You have to move out.

I can't leave you in charge of this either.

Like on your family coat of arms, it says good enough.

Wow, man.

Oh, dude, I'm sorry to hear this, dude.

What can we do?

Nothing.

Nothing.

It's just a phase.

It's just a phase, like, you know, of

just need something, like you said, like, just the need of distraction at this point, just something a little bit different.

Why are you so precious with your medical shit now?

Oh, you couldn't help but blather it to everybody else, every other fucking.

I haven't taken this and I haven't taken that.

I had a buffer at one time.

Like, I told you, it was all misdirection.

It was all, it was like, I said, I've been medicated constantly.

I've been constantly medicated for the last

25 years.

I've taken probably more concoctions than both of you guys combined.

I don't know about that.

Talking about today or a long time ago?

Wow.

I don't know why.

Sometimes I'll tell Mary Beth something that's been bugging me for a while, like months.

About her or a lot of her?

Sometimes about her.

Okay.

But this was about the wedding.

This was literally yesterday.

I told her, I was like, you know, when we got those, when we had the wedding and the photographer, not the one that you like, not Jillian, but there was another, there was a guy who was taking pictures of me.

And like, Mary Beth wanted to get pictures taken while I was in the bedroom getting ready and everything.

And at the time, I was like, I'm putting my pants on.

And the guy goes, hey, you better suck it in.

And that was enough where I would have been like, get the fuck out of here.

Get the fuck out of here.

Jerk off.

If she didn't want those pictures, that would have been the response.

Yeah.

It's a weird thing to say.

I can't tell you how much it fucking annoyed me.

Especially since, yeah, oh, yeah.

Well, I'm not annoyed anymore.

What'd you do?

I didn't do anything.

He died.

He was a young guy, too.

The chuckle after all.

The chuckle after that is really fucked up.

Okay.

No, him.

I think you're laughing uncomfortable.

I'm trying to get my head around this.

Wait, how old is this young man who died?

It appeared that he was in his 30s, somewhere in his 30s.

What did he die?

By the way, I'm not totally.

I don't know.

I like smiting of enemies.

Oh, that's right.

I forgot.

You have a bowel movement that you have a lot of shit

in the chamber for him.

I don't know.

There's going to be a COVID shit all over that grave right out of my ass.

I don't know how he died.

And I told Mary Beth, I said, text Jillian, find out.

She's like, it was her friend.

I'm not going to just text and ask that.

I'm like, well, why not?

She put it on fucking Facebook or whatever.

Jillian did.

Yeah.

I don't see the harm in that.

Yeah, I thought that everybody got along with her.

I thought she was like everybody's.

Everybody loves Jillian.

Everybody loves her.

Yeah, it was the guy that I had the problem.

That's what I'm saying.

But like, if you, can't you just reach out?

Like, I want to know how he died.

I mean, can't we look up an obituary?

So he died.

How am I supposed to fully celebrate?

Because he said, what?

Was it this again?

What did he say?

I was putting my pants on.

He goes, suck it in.

Did he see you?

Yeah, he was taking pictures of me.

Of putting your pants on?

Well, they were like, I was buttoning them up at that point.

But why would he take a picture of you putting your pants on?

Dude, I don't know.

I don't know.

All I know is that's what she wanted.

So I was like, fucking fine.

It was my mistake.

It was my mistake to say yes.

I should have been like, bitch, you get pictures taken of yourself.

Don't worry about me.

I don't like pictures of myself.

So I certainly don't want pictures of myself half naked while some fucking asshole.

He's dead.

I know.

What is going on?

Hey, Fatso, you better fucking suck it in, fat boy.

I got it.

Because that's my fucking place to say that, right?

What is going on

yeah i was gonna say you were like you were very thin at the wedding that's what i thought

i'm sure it was just a joke i had to no it wasn't a bad joke it wasn't it was a bad he deserves to die i'm not saying he deserves it i'm just saying i'm not that sad it happened it happened things i was nowhere near sometimes things happen

you would i i don't i feel like the two of you are in some dangerous waters here like i i

wedding could be cursed too the caterer died as well what whoa two deaths?

Uh-huh.

Could be a cursed wedding.

Had she done that?

She had to know going in, though, that was a possibility, though, right?

John Johnson now.

They're on the side of caution, right?

Wow.

Yeah, she was pretty young.

She was like probably like 60 or so.

Okay.

You're in that range where you're like, ooh, too soon, but at least we're like.

Yeah, it's not a shocking 30.

Do you think more now that, like, like you're saying, like, you could, you could go at any minute.

Do you think more of that now when you see people just like dying right and left that are in their 50s and 60s?

Because whenever I see somebody, I'm never sorry for them.

I'm like, oh my God, that could be me next.

And you don't want to go.

No, shockingly, no.

I don't know why.

Like a retarded optimist where I'm like, it'll get better.

I don't think you can say that word either.

What is happening with you?

Like,

you seem angry.

It can't be the mask and it can't be the photographer is there everything going on with the medications and everything like that like like is it are you no his or mine

yours we know about just too many people

i don't know i gotta i i it's like a it's like a laundry list of all the things i'm taking yeah we would depress everybody if we went into your pills uh

i mean yours

mine no mine are fine

I have I'm on lithium and something called a bilify.

So you're not feeling, because I know there was a gap where you were like, I'm kind of like.

Oh, you know what?

I was thinking about that on the way over here, Walt, because I'm working on something with Walt.

And there was a long

span of time where I'm like, I don't think I'm going to be able to do this.

Do I?

Like the project that we were doing.

Oh, writing something.

Got it.

And I was just like, and night after night, I would lie in bed.

I was like, what's wrong with me?

Why can't I just get my head straight?

Why the fuck is my head so foggy?

And it was at that time that I wasn't taking my medication.

And the fucking assholes at the insurance company fucked up.

So I wasn't taking my testosterone for like two months.

So I think that that had something to do with it as well.

Because then once I got the testosterone back, and I just got the medication back like a month ago or so, a month and a half, and now I feel much better in terms of like clarity and that kind of shit.

Okay.

As far as being pissy about shit, I mean, that just, everything gets me mad.

I don't know why.

I look at the news and I'm like, look at these fucking assholes.

Oh, well, you probably shouldn't be looking at the news.

But you went through a period where you were like genuinely good.

I guess so.

You probably could say retarded, right?

I can't say it.

Oh, I could say it all day long.

Right.

I got the R-word pass.

You do.

Pretty sweet.

I don't have that.

There aren't many benefits that come with having a Down syndrome, kid, but that's one of them.

Because I remember

I said that like

fucking, we're talking eight years ago in therapy once, and Sharon, I guess her kid is.

is autistic and she was like you can't you can't say that word and I was like but this is therapy can I say any word?

And she was like, eh.

And she explained to me why and stuff like that.

And

I kind of phase it out.

But hearing you say it, I'm like, you do have the card.

Yeah.

Especially since I don't mean it in a way of like, well, I know.

Yeah, I mean.

Everything is 80s.

Everything is 80s.

Yeah, everything is 80s.

Huh.

I just saw a couple of my home skillets earlier.

What does that mean?

That means friends.

Come on.

It's the 80s, baby.

I'm just saying.

Wow.

So

you're loaded with drugs, Walt.

And you're depressed all the time.

Prescribed.

And you're just, you're angry and annoyed at things.

Yeah.

So all my drugs are prescribed, but none are fun.

No fun drugs.

Oh, man.

Maybe we should go on a retreat, like a Tell and Steve Dave retreat somewhere.

What do you think?

You want to invite him along?

Yeah.

You want to come along on a road trip?

Where are you going?

Grand Canyon.

I don't want to do that.

No?

No.

I don't want to take a road trip to the the Grand Canyon.

Maybe I'll fly somewhere.

Maybe I'll meet you at the Grand Canyon.

Is it like a

fun destination plan?

Well, the Grand Canyon is the destination.

Right, but when you get there, what do you do?

Last time we were there, we just stared at it for five minutes and left.

Took a picture with the phone booth.

We were at the fucking Grand Canyon.

We're going to go to the, I guess, to the bottom of it, a donkey.

You're going to do that?

Yeah.

I'll fly off that.

Okay.

I guess we don't want to stay on there.

Frank Vibe is going too.

That's cool.

Bring on the ladies.

Yeah, I don't know.

We'll have to figure it out because since we're driving, we don't have an exact date.

No, but I know.

We'll hit there.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

But I'm sure we'll get that.

You know, the other ten.

Yeah, so that could be like a retreat.

Like maybe we can go out in the desert and like light a fire and scream at the skies.

Take some peyote.

Yeah.

I'm sure Walt will have some with him.

Oh man, this feels like we're in a bad state of affairs.

Am I wrong to feel that way?

I I don't think so.

I feel pretty decent.

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm telling you, it's the mask shit that fucking drives me crazy.

Yeah.

That is like, you do everything you're supposed to do, and then they're like, fuck you.

I hate that they have such control over your life, and everyone's just like,

they just.

Woo-hoo.

There's nothing anybody can do.

But I can't stand the people that are like, oh, what are you going to do?

It's the new normal.

It's like, holy shit, do you have to fucking celebrate it, asshole?

I think it's coming to an end, to be honest with you, though.

It's got to be.

I sure hope so.

I feel like it's never been closer to the end than it is right now.

Well, sure.

But who knows?

Who knows?

I thought Fauci was at one time being like, mask through 2021.

Yeah, but they're not going to be able to do it.

And they backed off it.

They backed that back.

They back off it, but then

there's fucking I can't.

There's always a chance it could spike, though.

And then they'll have to do some go back to some stringent

callbacks to

rules and shit, which I'm sure nobody wants to think about, but it's always ours.

Lives were taken.

Like, you're talking about, like, hey, man, we're 53 and shit, and who knows?

It's like from February, March of 2020 until now, they just took a year of your life and said, here's what you got to do for a year of your life.

Yeah.

And they bossed you around and they told you which, and they fucking, the goddamn

economy was destroyed.

But I guess I'm always bossed around.

And look, I made no.

Who bosses you around?

Are you kidding me?

I mean, who owns Warner Brothers this week?

I think it's fucking Discovery owns us now.

I saw that.

Yeah.

Yeah, but

I guess maybe I did.

So I didn't have that thing.

I think I was just like, and I made, I mean,

no money.

You know what I mean?

It is what it is, but it's like,

I don't look at it like,

I mean, I took this year and I was like, oh man, I got fucking relaxed.

I got fat and happy.

You know, I like evaluated life, evaluated children.

I just don't know what was taken from you that you were.

like what was taken from you that

you're freedom to go anywhere you want to go without a fucking mask on.

That's it.

I'll tell you what, I bought tickets for Sage for a Kids Pop concert, right?

Then they fucking canceled the concert.

And then on top of it, since you can't fucking ticketmaster are a bunch of fucking criminals and they own StubHub.

I don't agree with that.

I do.

Well, I know if I work for them.

If there's another boss I have, so

you are getting busted around.

I'm getting busted around by everybody, man.

But then, like, since I bought tickets off StubHub, they cancel the fucking concert, and they're like, yeah, it's up to you to go get your money from a fucking original person.

Do you think that's with the Tom Steve Dave show, though?

Because I have people complaining to me, though.

And I'm like, I have nothing to fucking do with it, but somebody's got to fucking figure it out because people are like, I can't get my money back.

From Ticketmaster.

Ticketmaster?

Yeah.

That shouldn't be.

That shouldn't be.

It's still?

I don't know.

But at one point, though, there was people emailing me about trying to get their money back.

And I'm like,

I have no idea what's going on about it.

But I mean, that's just,

the fallout.

$300 for a shitty concert I'll never see.

So you just lost the money?

Yep.

Just lost the money.

Why didn't you get the money, though?

Because I don't know who the fuck I bought the tickets from.

They're like, StubHub is like, they're like, you have to get the money from the person that you bought them from.

But there's no channel because that person already got the money.

There's no way to fucking find out who it is.

You don't have a StubHub account?

I have a StubHub account, but you can't tell who you bought it from.

Because I went and looked.

Well, that sounds on the sound right.

Yeah, there has to be some record.

How hard did you look to get this record?

Oh, I looked.

Trust me, I looked for $300.

I was looking up and down.

I asked Mary Beth to look.

She couldn't fucking find it either.

You know what?

If we did the fucking TV store cameo, you'd make that back in like four videos.

That's true.

I mean, I guess it's worth $300 to not have to see Kids Bob.

Yeah, that's why I was like, what are you upset about?

Yeah, because she wanted to see it.

She was excited and shit.

Yeah, but you really feel like the year was taken from you.

It's interesting.

I didn't feel that way.

I felt it was given to me.

I think everybody has a different experience, so nobody could have the same exact experience today.

For you, a guy who was working his balls off

prior to that would probably welcome a little bit of

a break.

For other people, they can't afford to take a break.

For other people,

they lose possibly everything.

Another person could be like,

I wasn't comparing myself to those guys.

Their lives are ruined.

I was just talking about the mental state.

Yeah, but there's other people who are like, I mean, I don't know if things really changed all that much for me personally in terms of like other than

not having, I mean,

knock on wood.

I didn't get sick, though, which I guess was the most important thing.

Sure, you did.

What?

You got sick before it all started.

We were fucking patient zeros, man.

Yeah, but we don't know that for sure, though.

That's just a theory, though.

But, you know, but there's people, you know, a lot of people who got sick and some didn't make it.

And so you got to be thankful that that didn't happen to anybody that we knew close.

So in India right now, it's like they're dead.

Oh, yeah, that's fucking.

They can't even keep the fucking morgues.

Like they're just bodies everywhere.

It's the furnaces are

can't even keep up.

Yeah.

I know I saw funeral pyres and shit.

Giant mass graves.

I mean, we could have had that.

I like that, though.

Why did that not happen?

Because they didn't have, because the people, and I don't want to piss my friend here off because the Lord knows I love him, but it's like,

they didn't have the people that we had here being like, don't fucking do that.

Wear your mask.

mask.

Fucking mask on.

Don't crop dust those people at dinner.

You're not those people.

You know what I mean?

And that's why we're not that.

Plus, you know, we have a robust society that anyway.

But I don't know anybody personally who this happened to, but you can't, like, it's incalculable the number of small businesses that went under because of that shit, too.

Oh, my God, dude.

You dropped it.

Like, people who lost their livelihoods.

There's a place out here on fucking Broad Street right before all this shit hit, they were supposed to open.

Can you imagine putting that kind of time and money into a restaurant?

And then they're like, yeah, you can't open.

You can't open for fucking six months.

What happened, though?

Let me tell you about RNH beer a little bit.

But yeah, yeah.

I'm really relieved, though.

They had no idea what was coming, man.

And they just fucking went full bore on the most extremes because they just did not know if it was going to be

like bodies dropping in the streets.

Right.

And it wasn't.

And it wasn't for a long time.

And they still didn't fucking.

They're not even backing off now.

Well, they are.

Oh, definitely.

They are.

Not Jersey.

But they will eventually though they'll have to i can't wait to vote against murphy i can't i can't wait i don't illegal weed

who gave who who who gave that to you oh murphy murphy yeah i mean don't you don't think that you can like just see it in your heart to just the guys on the isn't he almost out of office i don't give a fuck if weed is legal or not i would rather have illegal weed and not have to wear masks around all the time sure

wow this mask thing never really bothered me like it did you oh i hate it i can't stand it i can't stand that i like like sage is halfway on the school bus i'm like oh oh, I forgot to fucking give her a mask.

And every morning you have to fill out this fucking form for school.

Then her name and her fucking teacher.

And did she have this fucking symptom?

And what's her temperature?

And did she have that symptom?

I'm like, just take her fucking temperature when she gets to school.

Like, why is it one more fucking thing for me to do because this is do her fucking homework?

Be her teacher.

Take her temperature.

Do this and that.

I think that's called being a parent.

But I think the other thing that you're mentioning is,

but like all those things are the reason that we're not India right now, though.

No, we're not India for a lot of reasons.

Right.

But with this, it's like, this is why, because we're the society that's like, okay, fill this out before you put your kid in the room with other kids.

But no kids get it.

I haven't heard of one fucking case in this school.

I hear you.

Kids got it.

There's kids who got it.

Oh, sure.

Some kids got it.

Yeah, but I mean, it's extremely rare.

And that's all they told us in the beginning.

Kids don't get it.

We've got to worry about the old people.

You better fucking stay inside so fucking octogenarians can walk around in a fucking target.

I get it, but you have to talk.

You're talking about having people make decisions

and you want 100%

accurate.

Nobody asked me.

Well, no one ever will.

I know.

Much different world if they did.

But yeah, I think it was, I think it's true.

You're getting old, man.

I know.

You are getting old, though.

I agree with Edgar on so many things.

I'm like, oh, no.

It's happened.

It's in the process of happening.

You can still turn it around.

I can still back off it.

Your wife, of course, you can still back off it.

She should be doing for you what Kidam's doing for Walt, which is

bringing this.

I got to get a home journal.

Sunny shot.

Yeah, you should.

Stay on the sunny side, man.

I did.

Speaking of death, I wanted to ask Walt.

Let me see.

I wrote, would Walt be annoyed if in my will I requested that he deliver the eulogy?

Oh.

I don't know if annoyed would be the word.

I would be like, that has to be a mistake.

Is that accurate?

Asterisk, this is not a mistake.

Like, would you know I would.

He asked me to do that knowing how that I would not want to do that.

To fuck with you beyond the grave.

I have a good idea.

What?

Final cast three.

The eulogies?

The eulogies.

Oh, the eulogy tapes.

We like we put in everybody's name in a, in a, like a fishbowl against a keyboard.

We draw it, yeah.

And then I draw it out.

And without telling anybody who you got, you got to write the eulogy for that person.

That's pretty good.

That's pretty fucking fun, man.

It's basically a roast in another form.

Oh, wait, I thought it was supposed to be all good things, though.

It's your eulogy.

I wouldn't want it to be all good things for me because it would be a fucking three-second eulogy.

No.

You saved my life many times over.

That eulogy for me would be fucking weeks long, baby.

Wow.

I don't know.

That would be a double album.

Yeah, well, it could be a triple album.

I think we do it, man.

I don't care if three has to be three albums.

Let's do it.

Three album eulogy.

We got it.

Wow.

So next time we meet, we'll get I'll have a bowl with all names in it.

Yeah.

And we'll draw the bowls for the names for people who aren't even here.

That's great.

And then they can record them and send them in.

I think it's a funny idea.

Get your pencil out, Chris Ladondo.

Yeah, Lado.

I went over text.

He texted me the other day.

Shit.

Thanks for reminding me.

Sorry, Chris.

What else do I got here?

So you would not be happy doing the eulogy?

I guess

I probably would be, that's a lot of pressure.

There's a lot better

candidates than me to do that eulogy.

People who are good speakers, get up in front of a crowd and get the laughs.

Because even at a funeral, the funerals I've been to,

people have gone up and have said things that caused the...

that caused the room to

have a laugh,

not in a way, in a good way.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I don't know eulogy for for his dad was like, he was, he got a lot of good jokes.

Yeah, and I feel that, like, I don't know if I could bring laughs to that situation.

Not every eulogy is that.

I think it would be, yeah, I don't think it would be the eulogy that would be expected, though, probably.

It'd probably be a little bit more,

you know, somber for anybody.

I just, I don't know.

I don't know if I'm if I'm the guy that's going to write a funny eulogy for somebody who's who's passed on.

All All right.

Well, we're going to find out.

Well, I mean,

I'm going to be me.

So, my eulogy, whoever I draw, is going to get your Kleenex out, motherfucker.

Oh, whoa.

I mean, we almost have to assign them get it.

Unless it's somebody, like it's somebody I don't give a fuck about, and they'll find out for, I guess,

we're going to have to have two different polls.

We're going to have to have two different polls.

But we could call it eulogies with a Z.

Oh, I love it.

Yeah, Vinyl Cast 3 eulogies.

It's dark.

It's dark, but you know what?

Listen to this episode.

That's where we're at right now.

And what if you got somebody who you're not really that familiar with?

Like if I got Chris Ledondo, or if I got, like, I know him, I know Maxwell, but like, I don't know enough about them.

I might have to talk to their wives.

Maybe you plan to get a little getaway and

you spend a weekend at his house with people he lives with, people who are close to him.

Ask his kids what they would say if

he died.

These are things that could preoccupy your time then.

Yeah, now I got something to do.

All right, finally.

Let me interrupt just for a moment to talk about boners.

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It's been a hell of a year.

Oh, this is what we've been talking about.

Personally, I feel like I've aged 12 years over the past 12 months.

You know what?

I'm not going to read this because I don't feel that way.

It sounds like you do.

No, I don't feel any older.

I feel fatter.

How's your boner working, though?

Boner is on point.

Even with the missed diagnosed testosterone missing injection?

Well, that was a couple months ago.

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The bad thing about this medication is it makes my hands shake.

That's the only thing.

The lithium, it makes my hands like, it gives me tremors and shit.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, see that shit?

Like a fucking old man.

And if you stop taking

away?

Yeah, but

so does my my tolerance for

there's there might be medication.

I just haven't looked into it yet.

Walt's going to sell me some later.

Let me put you in contact with my guy.

Your guy's sitting on the floor right now.

I think I don't know that.

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And there's a fuck ton of shit that I shouldn't say, so I'm not going to say any of it.

Wow.

Nice read, dude.

Thanks as I stumble over it.

My cat almost pissed in my face the other day.

Which cat?

Princess Mitch.

I was doing a.

I have like a little.

How old is Princess Mitch?

She's probably like eight.

Yeah, seven or eight, somewhere in there.

So I have this table set up with my laptop on it and my mic and all this shit when I do, like, because I do podcasts with E-Rock.

And I was doing one with my buddy Carl called Who Are These Podcasts, where we go on and like he goes on and he roasts other podcasts and shit like that.

So I'm doing it and the cat climbs up on the table and she's walking around and I don't mind, but now she's walking in front of the camera and shit.

So I try to like nudge her away and I guess she did that marking her territory thing, which I've never seen in the eight straight years.

Piss shoots out right at me.

And much like fucking Keanu Reeves in the Matrix, I fucking went down like this.

Not like Keanu Reeves, though.

It actually hit me in my sweatshirt.

It was a very small amount.

But I'm in the middle of doing a fucking podcast, right?

So you get it on

audio?

No, I didn't tell him or anything.

He didn't see it.

Okay.

And

I don't know that he even noticed.

Like when I fucking, like, because I

shoved her away.

What's it?

You're that much of a problem.

You just had to keep rolling, man.

Cat piss and everything.

They do that?

I've always seen it with like tigers and shit at the zoo.

Like, somebody will be like, oh, look at the tiger.

And then all of a sudden, like, a torrent of fucking piss is all over a kid.

Yeah, I've seen cats pee to mark territory.

I haven't seen it like explode.

Have you ever seen that?

Like an anal explosion from a cat where there's pee all over you?

What?

You've never been asked that question before?

Just to answer the question.

It's the name of my new metal band, anal explosion.

Uh-huh.

So, cat-pissed.

I don't know if you had any experience with that.

I have tons of experience with cat-pissed because I now live with Wii Wii pads in certain corners because the cats just won't stop pissing on those corners.

And the peeds all over your door, one of them, right?

Yeah, that New Brooklyn loves to piss on that door.

So I've just taken to wallpapering the door with

Wii Wii pads.

So the cats don't like the litter box?

No, they overwhelmingly use the litter box, thanks God.

Thank God.

But for whatever reason, they go through these cycles where they will just decide that they want to piss here and they'll do it.

But it's always the same spots.

It's never like, oh, there's a new spot.

It's always like, I know where to put the weeby pants at this point.

So we'll see.

But so, no, I haven't had any on me.

I'm going to read.

I have to read another spot, but I'm going to ask you to think about this while I'm reading.

Do you think you could beat an elephant or a lion in a fight?

No, and no.

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Whoops.

I was supposed to read that.

Uh, for there's so much shit if they would just write the stuff that I should read and not fucking tons of shit that I'm not supposed to read.

Everything's fucking red.

I'm sure Mary Beth would be happy to do that for you.

Cut it down.

She does.

This is cut down.

Well, she's not cutting out enough.

That's all.

She's got to cut down more.

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All right.

So back to this.

Yeah.

A shocking number of Americans think they can beat a lion or a fight.

6% said they would fight a bear and think they could beat them.

There's probably only two human beings on the face of the planet that could beat up a bear.

I mean, I don't know if you could beat up a bear.

Ken Shamrock.

Ken Shamrock still can beat up a bear.

In his prime.

In his prime.

I think he gets a shot in on that bear.

Oh, I think he takes that bear out like fucking.

Can you punch a bear out?

Oh, fuck yeah, man.

But they have all that fur.

Like, it's not even like you're punching them, like, you're punching a human.

Well, as long as he gets that one shot in the jaw before the bear, before the bear.

I mean, he has one chance.

He's got to do it quick, but I think he's the only person on the planet planet that could do it.

I wouldn't even know.

You wouldn't know the name Ken Shamrock.

How do you even, I wouldn't even surprise you.

Yeah, but he knows a lot about sports, so that's.

Yeah, I'm surprised he's the deadliest man on the planet, right?

With his bare hands.

Sure.

Is he still, though?

How old is this guy?

Well, I mean, he used to be.

Gotta be.

Maybe not anymore.

60.

Who's the new guy?

I mean, if you're, I mean, I'm not saying, I mean, there may be only one or two people on the planet that could take a bear.

Yeah, it's pretty, that's a tall order, man.

Yeah, because of the razors.

The razors, the teeth, the energy, the weight.

You know what I mean?

The smell, the fear, like everything.

That's interesting.

The smell and the fear

play a role in the.

Oh, I mean, think about when you, a super smell like yourself, where when you walk into a room, you're like, oh, now this bear is coming up with flies.

I thought you meant like the bear would smell the fear, and then that would make it even more of a.

Well, the bear would smell the shit going down the back of my pants, so in a way it would.

I mean, there's people who

can like, who have no fear.

They're fearless, though.

Yeah.

You know, I mean, they're psychopaths.

Yeah.

But so they, that right there, they may have an edge on the bear because the bear is probably more scared of them.

So the.

Right?

Because, I mean, a bear doesn't know what this.

He's probably never faced a human being before.

No, probably not.

But I mean, it looks like a smaller, sick version of himself.

You know what I mean?

Like, I don't know how to

strike fear.

Yeah, I think, like I said, maybe two people, maybe even two people who have ever lived.

Okay.

Ever.

I can accept that there are humans that have existed and might even be one that worked out who could take on a bear.

BJ, you're saying most American males think they can fight a bear?

No, no, no.

Most, not most think they can, but an alarming number think they can.

6%.

6%.

That's a lot.

That is a lot.

6 out of every 100 people.

They've never seen probably a bear in action then.

they're thinking about Winnie the Pooh.

Like, I can fuck that fucking sweater-wearing pussy.

Right.

He didn't even got any pants on.

Gets stuck in a hole.

Every other

fucking face.

Gets stuck in a rabbit's hole every fucking other day.

Winnie the Pooh.

Oh, bother, motherfucker.

Or Yogi Bear, they're thinking of.

But they're not thinking of real bears.

Right.

Like he's trying to steal your picnic basket, and you're like, fucking going to town on him and stuff.

So it says here that most people think that elephants and rhinoceroses are the most dangerous, 74%.

Grizzly bears, then tigers, then hippopotamus.

Oops.

I think that's a good thing.

Hippos are incredibly dangerous.

Yeah, aren't they like one of the most dangerous things on the planet?

Yeah.

And I don't know if anybody, I don't, ever who has ever walked this planet, a human being could ever take on an elephant either.

You're never going to get close to it with its tusks and shit.

No, it's not.

And its trunk.

It's going to fucking.

It's not even going to notice you.

You're not even going to get a chance to get in close.

You can get a little bit close in with a bear, and maybe you get that one lucky punch if you got your fucking haymaker ready.

Yeah, get that Ken Shamark right across the chop.

If you could get him right in that chin, if that bear has a glass chin, it could go down.

I'm not saying it's likely, but you don't know that it doesn't help with that.

You'll never get that shot in with an elephant, though, because you can't get in close with an elephant.

That's why I will only live with pets that I can beat the shit out of if I ever have to.

Yeah, because I'm not going to take a chance of bringing in a pit bull.

It's got to be fucking like a little pudgy little fucking French bulldog that if it ever gets fresh on me, I can just look at it

and he'll back down.

Posture of that shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, it's, it's very,

it takes a very unique individual that can beat up an animal in the animal kingdom.

They said it was a geese come in just under humans.

As big geese is the least formidable.

Oh, no.

I have come out.

I've come across some fucking nasty geese.

I've seen some videos.

Yeah,

I mean, I have experience, you know, because I used to

spend quite a bit of time in my youth at a duck pond.

Oh, yeah.

Get that boochoo and

a lot of goosing going on.

And I remember, you know, getting there a little bit too early, waiting for the sun to go down, having to kill some time.

Now it sounds weird.

I don't know, because I was getting there so early.

It was like, it's 4:30.

It's a little too early to pull up.

So

let's go feed.

Let's go feed some of these ducks while we're here anyway.

And then there's been some grouchy-ass fucking geese who will get very aggressive with you if you don't,

if you don't show

fear and like, you know, what's it called when you posture.

Yeah.

You know, and it was very, very,

you puff up your chest.

Well,

no.

he ran from a goose in front of his woman.

Like, do that thing, like, that, like, that kind of like feminine kind of like push-off with the arm and the leg.

You're thinking, get away, get away

as this thing shows

it, just pulls it out.

Where are you going?

So I've got a half a loaf of bread here.

I'll be back.

I'll be back back.

Yeah, but yeah, I've run across a couple of geese who thought they could fucking take me.

And you fucking gave them what for?

No, no.

And then,

like I said, they get so

hostile and they get bigger.

Oh, yeah,

they put their neck forward and shit.

They start chasing you with their wings.

I don't know, man.

That beak may

have the ability to slice dice.

Because I've been bitten by a few of them, and it's always surprisingly not painful.

Really?

You got bit by a goose?

Oh, a few times in my my life.

Yeah.

Always with clothes.

I've actually had this thought.

Like, always through.

Always put clothes on.

I was like, I would hope so.

Like, through, like, never a bear paint.

Oh, okay.

Like, so, like, that.

And I was always like, this doesn't hurt.

But it's scary when those fucking goose come at you.

Oh, yeah.

Especially those Canadian motherfuckers, the big ones.

Yeah.

The ones that shit, it looks like human shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're aggressive, some of them.

Yeah, I went for a walk in Clove Lakes Park recently on Staten Island, and they got into a geese situation.

Oh, yeah.

I was like, because they think you have bread because the the fucking horny motherfuckers like so when you

they all just start like paddling towards you.

You know what I mean?

And then they get aggressive if you don't if you don't give in to their capitulate to their demands.

I was wondering, do you think that if I put it in my will, a lot of death talk today, a lot of dark talk.

I put it in my will that I agree that Mary Beth could taxidermy me.

Yeah.

Upon my death to keep me in the house, like in a rocking chair or something, you know?

Okay.

Is that legal?

No.

It's not?

You'll never find any.

That's probably definitely not legal in New Jersey or maybe anywhere.

Of course not.

Fucking New Jersey.

You've got to go to Texas for that.

I mean, yeah, I can't imagine.

Like, you got to go maybe out of country for something like that.

Right, like India.

Yeah, I don't know.

But yeah, I would think, though, that would be...

Because I remember what happened.

I got an iguana stuffed, brought back as a soulmate

from my uncle when I was little, and I loved that thing

you know because

to me it was like a gigantic dragon that I would put my amigos up against like Spider-Man amigo I'd fight the you know fight this big dragon this once living being yeah I didn't like it looked real but I it to me it was a toy

yeah and then I remember one day

you know I pulled it out of the toy box and it was all fucking

maggots and shit.

It had opened up and it was all inside the fucking stuffed.

Oh my god.

Yeah, I remember that.

Take some shitty taxes.

Yeah, my mom freaked out yeah i was young oh i still never forgot that that was like a nightmare scenario holy shit you know so that could happen you know if you go especially if you're going out of country to get that i fall over and burst open and maggots pour out of me like i'm oogie boogie and shit

wow um so what so you my quiet your question is what do i do if she wants to stuff you no my question i was just wondering like do you think that she would be allowed to?

Oh, I thought the question was: all right, we learn that she's stuffed him

and has him in the house.

Oh, yeah.

If we learn that, that would be cause for much concern, I would think, right?

Any human being who stuffs another human being?

Yeah, I would be concerned, but I would also kind of be like Ed Gein shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fucking my face on a lampshade.

Remember that guy in Q West that dug up that girl?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, like he was in love with this girl.

She was like his cleaning lady or some weird shit like that.

Yeah, she was a very young girl that this dude was in love with.

He was an older guy, like 60.

Yeah, he looked like

a fucking like a psychiatrist.

He had like a beard and like white hair, you know, like white balding hair.

And he like the little glasses.

He looked like what's that guy?

You know your mother?

The fucking psychiatrist?

With the mother fucking

Freud.

He looked like Freud.

Okay.

And he dug up this.

We fell in love with.

I think she cleaned his house or whatever, but she was a neighbor.

And she died, and he dug her up.

And like, it's QS.

So there's a whole fucking museum.

And they have pictures of her.

Oh, yeah, that's her.

That's her right there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

When was this?

He did this.

1930.

Oh, okay.

I thought

you guys had come across him and he told you the story that he did it.

No, no, it's in like this museum down there.

They have all these weird pictures of her coffin,

her grave, her, like the stuff, like what her body looked like.

That's one of a lot of photos of her.

It's weird, though, that they would put that in the museum because that kind of like makes other people like aspire to that.

Like, well, I could get in a museum if I did that.

It's like Haunted Key West.

I don't think it's a major tourist, you know.

It's got like Robert the Haunted Doll and shit like that.

So, the woman was eventually diagnosed with tuberculosis.

She died.

This guy, Tanzler, with his self-professed medical knowledge, attempted to treat and cure her with a variety of medicines, as well as x-ray and electrical equipment that were brought to the woman's home.

He showered her with gifts and jewelry, but there has never been any evidence surfaced to show that his affection was reciprocated.

He was upset.

Oh, she looks so fucked up.

So, if you want, I'm not going to go through this whole fucking Wikipedia article.

So, if you want to look it up, his name is Carl Tanzler, T-A-N-Z-L-E-R.

It's a pretty weird story.

Yeah, I don't know if he fucked her, did he?

I don't remember.

Body?

He probably, she slept in the same bed as him, so I gotta imagine.

Glad you guys asked.

Though not reported contemporaneously, research, contemporaneously, research, most notably by authors Harrison and Sweisgood, have revealed evidence of Tensler's necrophilia with her corpse.

Oh.

Those who attended the 1940 autopsy of Elena's remains recalled that in 1972 that a vaginal tube had been inserted in the area of the corpse that allowed for intercourse.

Oh, boy.

What's the tube for?

I guess so it feels like tight and shit.

Does it not feel tight if it's fucking

away, probably?

Yeah, I don't know.

But if you took like a toilet paper tube and stuffed it with like towels and stuff like that to make it soft and then you know, do the sounds like you had a little

something.

When were you in prison?

I'm just working on it.

I'm working on a theory, guys.

And then you

and then you put it inside of there, and then you won't even notice you're fucking a corpse.

I think you'd still notice.

I think so.

I think as soon as you opened your eyes, you would notice.

Prison pocket pussy?

You guys don't think I'm fucking fucking?

I didn't make that up, but I I don't remember who told me.

So either I made it up and I'm a fucking genius.

That is fucking funny.

Or I read that in a book too.

Either way, who would have been a little bit more?

What is it again?

It's a prison pocket.

I know about, but what is it?

What do you need to make one, though?

Oh, well, all this I'm making up.

A tube of toilet paper.

The inside.

Yes.

The cardboard tube.

Right.

And you put some cloth in there.

Kind of cloth, like a washcloth.

Like a cheesecloth.

Cheesecloth.

All right.

Kim's working on his own right now.

Right.

Right?

That looks about the right.

Yeah.

And then you can put some soft material in there, some bedding.

Cheesecloth, you say.

Some cheesecloth.

Yeah.

Okay.

And then you spray it, get it nice and wet.

My friend.

None of the guards know what you're up to.

Well, you wouldn't be allowed to do this in prison?

Oh, I don't know any.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Would this be frowned upon by the warden?

If the warden was like, is you to fuck that toilet paper or fuck that dude that just got here?

I guess they did the toilet paper.

So it's a pr prison pocket pussy, but it's also called a Fifi.

F-I-F-I.

Oh, it's a real phrase.

It's called prison pocket pussy.

Prevalent within death row inmates, a hands-free masturbation device made up of a dirty old sock.

I don't know why they specify dirty.

Vaseline or toothpaste, a toilet paper tube wedged firmly between a mattress.

There you go, bud.

There you go.

This is Urban Dictionary.

Hey, boy, bend over.

I'm about to jack off with your asshole.

Man, fuck that.

Y'all be needing to use yo' fifi.

A fifi.

That's exactly how it's written here in urban dictionary.

Do you know what a wolf call is?

Like a

calling out to a girl?

Yes.

I had my first wolf call in my entire life the other day.

That didn't bring up your spirits.

Yeah.

Yeah, it did a little.

Was it Mike when you were all in?

I don't know.

I was leaving the store, and you know, there's a restaurant right next door, right adjacent to us?

Yeah.

And there was these two ladies, and it was in the middle of the day, too.

It was like 4:30, and they were drinking wine or champagne or something.

Rose, yeah.

And

I can't cross the street to go to my car because my car is across the street in a parking lot.

And I'm just sitting there because there's cars going by.

And I have to wait.

And one of the ladies says something,

and

I didn't even know they were talking to me.

And then they said something again.

They're like, hey.

And I turned around.

They're like, they go, smile.

They go, life's not so bad.

I was like, yeah.

You know, I'm working in a podcast store.

I said, you know, making no sales.

$42.

Look at this journal.

My TV is 12 inches.

No, I just, but I just, I just, so I just, I just, you know, I just gave a wry smile.

It's like, oh, yeah, you're right.

And then I was walking.

I was walking across the parking lot and hear more like yelling.

And I don't know they're yelling at me.

Don't turn your back on us, motherfucker.

And I turn and I hear something like, hey, hey.

And I turn around.

They're like, you got a sweet ass.

And I just look at them like a dog who looks at like when they, like, when you don't say the rest of a commander, like, do you want to go for a?

And you don't say, you don't say walk.

And you do that and turn.

I'm like, are they talking to me?

And they're like, and I'm like, and they're like hooting and hollering.

They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Turn around.

Yeah, that's a sweet ass.

Turn around?

Well, yeah, because I'm walking to my car.

So you got to sex with harassed.

Yeah, so I'm like, what is it?

And they just won't stop as I'm yelling as I'm walking to the car.

And it's so weird and uncomfortable because I'm like, what do you say?

What do you say to two older women who are just harassing you?

If it's me, I go back and fucking give myself a glass.

What are we drinking to, ladies?

Yeah, my sweet ass.

And they're just like laughing.

Ladies know what a fee fee is?

They're like laughing and just yelling things at me as I'm continuing to walk.

And I'm like, yeah, I had no fucking comeback.

See, now you know how ladies feel what happens to them, right?

Not very good.

Well, you know what?

I don't know.

It wasn't that horrible.

The ladies.

I don't know.

Like, is it that horrible?

You know, like, what is this?

It's not good.

You don't like it.

But, you know, it could fuck with your head, though, because, like, you know, the next day, you know, I'm like, I was at Kohl's, and like, every time like somebody walked by, I would just turn around.

Did you aim your ass at something?

What, nothing to say?

Don't see anything sweet.

Yeah, because

they were definitely drunks because

drunks.

There is.

Like,

I have like no fucking definition.

It's like, if I wish the front of my body was as flat as the back of my body, you know, I got a washboard back and backside.

Wow, man.

Do you think, like,

is there a thing now where it's like, wow, so now you're not getting cat cold?

Man.

So wait, so you hit your prime now then?

You're still walking down the street getting cat cold and stuff like that.

Still, that was the first one in my entire life.

So that's what I'm saying.

Maybe you hit.

Maybe me and Giddam are like kind of hitting our primes at the same time.

Do me a favor.

You're in sync.

Look up the age.

I guess I could do it.

Age men most attractive.

Let's see what comes up.

Age men are.

Oh, it's got to be in their 20s.

You think so?

I would definitely disagree with that.

Age, at what age are men, women most desirable?

This is from theatlanticdeck.com.

Come on, 53.

Come on, 53.

50, 50.

Hold on, hold on.

What are you?

Giddam's 42.

Get him's 40.

Of course, they won't fucking say.

Now I'm getting pissed.

There always has to be an article that's.

It's like a whole, just tell me.

Yeah, exactly.

I don't care about the.

Okay, in this study, all this bullshit.

In this study, men's desirability peaks at 50.

Damn.

We're on the downslide.

That's what I'm saying.

You're still closer to it than you were at 47.

I better keep this fucking Keister out of jail, though, from because if this is my best attribute,

nicknamed him, you'll be using you like a Fifi.

Human Fifi.

But is it really like what?

I mean, at the end of the day, though, is it fucking anything to hang your hat on if that's your best attribute?

Yeah,

it's interested in any dudes behind.

Oh,

what do you

did?

You not talk to women during the fucking lethal weapon movies when Mel Gibson were like prancing around those tight jeans, and women were like, Look at him, look at that ass.

And I'd be like, What's so great about that ass?

There you go, man

check this out

for a dumper

yeah i mean to be honest though i mean i would much prefer it be a different fucking part of of the anatomy than the fuck it's the it's the worst fucking aspect of of the human body for a dude in my opinion oh all right for a dude i was about to say for a dude for women we gotta yeah

oh no yeah no yeah i agree with that but i'm just talking about as a dude though it's like there's so much more you would focus on there's nothing to focus on like what would you focus on waltz If I was a dude?

If I was a chick looking in dudes, it wouldn't be their fucking behind me.

Probably their face.

Oh, yeah.

It'd be their

face or the chest.

Women don't normally break men.

Well,

what is the body part that you look at?

Face.

Satan.

Yeah, you're right.

Certainly not.

No wonder we never got together.

I'm starting to fucking get to the bottom of this after all these years.

But

I think women don't break men down into pieces pieces like men do, right?

Like, not you.

Some of you.

Okay.

Not much of a thing.

No.

I mean, for what it's worth, though, you know.

But you have a sweet ass, bro.

Yeah, so I've been told.

Did you tell Debbie?

No.

No.

I don't think she would.

She wouldn't think it was funny.

She would not think that was amusing.

Being harassed by all the women of Red Bank every time I walk out the store.

Is that the way you're presenting it?

Well, maybe you could slow screen a bit.

Just be like, what do you think of this?

Because, oh, no, you want her to comment on your ass.

Or you could be like, I was walking down the street with Giddam, and some woman

wolf called his ass.

His bottom.

And now I'm feeling insecure about mine.

Like, am I okay?

And like, get her opinion on your own.

I think that she would be like, yeah, she would be like, yours is fine.

And don't think about it.

Right.

You know, because you know girls are not interested in asses

you know what you do you could you could blow her mind man

what would i do with a guy's ass you're a girl well it really

straps up and just fuck it right a little leg i don't know

i'd send in the general level well that's that's the thing if if if you're if a girl's into ass then they definitely like a little they're that's too weird then that's what i want to do to it They're weird.

Like you're saying, if that's what they want to do.

You better fucking apologize to some 13 percenters out there man if the first thing they want to do is with their dude their man is fucking flip him over

Yeah, then that's weird

Well, it might not be in our wheelhouse But it's in a lot of people's wheelhouse right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, I yeah, I'm not gonna no judgment.

No judgment.

Maybe when I was younger I would have judged but as I get older I'm like would you have judged or would you have been like that's funny?

Um I probably would have judged out of insecurity and been like

how could you do that?

Whereas now I'd be like, all right, whatever.

I'm just going to lie here.

I can't move.

I don't care.

Just do whatever.

Do I put my face in the pillow or do I turn it to the side?

Give me something to bite at least.

Come on.

Give me your pelvis.

Give me your wallet.

I don't know, man.

I don't know how you could turn this into a negative.

Oh, I'm not saying it was a negative.

I'm just feeling that, like, you know,

if even if it was like legs

or

shoulders

or

fucking even ears.

But like, yeah, to me, that's just like

you were striving to find something.

Wow.

So you think it's more likely for a woman to cut cold.

Nice ears, baby.

Would you tell Debbie if that happened to you?

If somebody harassed your ears?

So no matter what.

You don't think it's a good idea to like

keep her on our toes man yeah toes my toes are horrendous keep her on her toes

she's like now i know you're lying

you know no yeah it was just yeah to me like i said it was more like it was very awkward and um

especially when like they wouldn't stop yeah you know you're like oh look where you going boy look at those sweatpants oh yeah

this is bizarre And I have no, I have no recourse.

I can say nothing because I'm just so like.

Is it complimenting you?

Yeah, but it's bizarre, though.

And I'm just like, I have no.

And this is all I, I swear to God, this happened because I've come out and said that, like, I was at Food Town once, and I remember the checkout people when Kompookman first aired.

Oh, this is amazing.

Yeah, they're like, so I've been on the other end of the spectrum where someone said, Did you see that show, Kompo Man?

And I know the girl said that because I was in line.

But the other girl that she said it to, the other cashier, did not and was like, oh, yeah, yeah, I think I saw that.

Man, they'll put anybody on TV, won't they?

No matter what they look like or something like that.

So I've been on no matter how sweet their ass is.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying, man.

Like, Comk Bookmen didn't fucking ever shoot below the belt.

Like, everything was up there.

Maybe it would still be on the air if they had a fucking low.

I wish it did.

My below the belt was way better than my other belt.

I mean, didn't you take like a, didn't you take like a promo picture where your cock was like

so visible in your pants?

Augustan Lee was there that day.

I got excited.

Am I making that up or that?

No, no, no.

I've heard that time and time again.

That's not so bad.

No, no, no.

I'm pretty, I mean, yeah, wow.

But like I said,

it'd be a little bit more.

The juice for that would be a bit more intoxicating if it wasn't such a fucking ridiculous fucking anatomy for you.

Yeah, I disagree with you.

I think there are women that are like, look at the fucking sound.

I cannot see.

I don't know what it really looks like.

Right.

But it's awesome.

Yeah, but that's like saying that, like.

But when you see a girl's Derrier go by, yeah, but usually they're fucking wearing tight fucking pants or something, not just fucking baggy sweatpants.

Like some of them are so good that they look good in baggy sweatpants.

I think what we're learning about you is that that's how fucking so he's got a he's got a female forms are man.

Yeah, apple bottom?

Yeah, yeah.

Apple bottom.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

I wonder if we can get you a modeling gig or something.

Just like jeans and shit.

Yeah.

Meandies.

Oh, I mean, that's a fucking home run.

Let me tell you something.

I've seen some of the Miundi's models lately.

Yeah.

You're in.

I couldn't.

I would never be able to take that job on, though.

No?

No.

You want to be allowed?

No, my religion and

my.

Say Tom Steve Dave already.