#458: Sarcata Nagrata

You don't even want to see how lit my dick is.

I like every ramen soup,

yo.

You know, my friend's falling on hard hard times.

He's sleeping with fucking silverfish and crickets up his ass.

I need to help this guy out.

Well, as out of left field as me being on methadone and Debbie getting me clean from it.

Tell them Steve Dave.

Hello and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve Dave.

I'm here with Q.

Yeah, boy.

And a man

is now better than a half century moving into

what would you call it?

His mid-50s.

Mid-50s.

The best years of my life are still ahead of me, bro.

What are you talking about?

Do you believe so?

Fuck yeah.

If you don't think that way, it's over.

Yeah, I think that way simply because so many shitty days are behind me.

And I'm like, I sure hope so.

Yeah, I hope the best days are ahead, too.

I think,

like, you think you'll enjoy retirement the day that comes?

Yeah, because

I feel I got a taste of it during the pandemic shutdowns.

Yeah.

And initially, it was very difficult.

It was very, very difficult.

But then towards the end, I was like, I'm fucking digging this.

I can get used to this big time.

Brian's not such an idiot after all.

How did he pull this off?

He knew.

Where are my pills?

So you're 53 tomorrow.

Wow.

Yeah, birthday, yeah.

Now, is there any difference 52 to 53, or do you feel like, oh, I don't want to even say I'm older?

When people are like, how old are you anyway?

I just say 50.

Just say 50?

Yeah, I'm just say 50 now.

The same thing you condemned me for

at the wedding.

Mary Beth's dad was like,

yeah, something about me being 50 and Walton meeting.

He told you he's 50?

He sold you out there.

I've got news for you.

Which I never did.

Never thought of some why if you did lie, why you lied?

The truth has to come out.

You can't start your marriage off on that kind of

bad foot.

I'm not marrying him, though.

Yeah, you still don't want to, you don't want to lie to

your father-in-law.

That's true.

I did lie to him, though.

I did lie to him because I forgot to tell you in

the last time when we actually talked about the wedding,

I had these

my vows.

Some of the vows were a little bit dicier and risque.

And one of them was I was talking about like when I knew I loved her, and I'm saying when it wasn't.

And the third time I said that, or the third item that I said it wasn't, I was like, it wasn't when you had sex with me, with barely knowing me at a one-star motel at your expense.

That wasn't true, though.

I just said it because I thought it would be funny.

That's what makes it the best.

And so, when we were out, like when I went to Vegas, but when I went to Vegas, we, Mary Beth and her dad, and I went out to dinner, and he brought it up.

He was like,

I can't remember how it came up, but he brought it up, and I could see he was like kind of uncomfortable about it.

And I said, Well, let me make it feel better.

I said, that wasn't true.

And he was like, It wasn't?

Like, there was this wash of relief.

Like, he goes, it wasn't.

And I was like, no.

I was like, I just said it because I thought it would be funny.

Yeah.

Which to me means he shouldn't have a wash of relief because it's almost worse

that

his son-in-law took the time during the wedding to say something, make something up, present it to the world as true, left him hanging in discomfort all this time.

Well, on the way up to your wedding, my wife was like, how come you're not giving, you're not saying anything?

How come you're not going to be able to say anything?

You want to say something just as equally as bad as he said at our wedding.

Like, she was pressuring me to fucking get up and say something.

Really?

Because

how you

say at his wedding?

Because how you told everybody at my wedding that I was a methadone.

Because he was addicted to methadone.

I didn't even know what methadone was.

I heard this come out of his mouth, and I'm just like, what does that mean?

I had no idea what methadone was.

And she held on to it, Dev held on to it all this time.

Fuck yeah.

That's why she should.

It should accomplish, I guess.

He was like, he deserves a bit of his own medicine.

And I was just like, I am not getting up and saying a word, I said, let alone trying to be funny at his wedding.

I said, it ain't happening.

I said.

Well, you would have had to outdo anything.

Would you have said anything anyway?

Well, if I had just said something really, like, crazy out of left field.

Like what?

Well, as out of left field as me being on methadone and Debbie getting me clean from it.

And her family.

I thought it was a nice story, a touching story.

And her family's face, like, like that puzzled look on their face, like, oh, my God, what?

She's marrying a junkie?

That's as shocking as, like, wait, he's not 50?

He's 52.

Yeah, you would have had to said something worse than what I said.

Oh, or what you've done to.

If he said something worse than I said, I would be like, this is amazing.

I would have loved it.

Or

you say that now because because everything went smooth as silk, but I guarantee you.

Well, if you, what, what did you throw out there?

Like, like, accuse me of being a racist or be like, I, like, I have to object because I know for a fact he cheated or something like this.

I mean, it could have been anything.

Anything that would be like so beyond the pale of, like, oh my God.

God damn.

It would have been awesome.

It would be so unwalt.

It would be amazing.

But you did say you were going to yell at tell him Steve Dave at the end.

And I was like, God damn, I wish he had done it.

I wish he had done it.

Yeah.

No.

I mean, I just said it as a joke.

I never once

was serious that I would do that.

It was too nice.

I'm sure she would not have appreciated me screaming, tell him Steve Dave.

I don't know.

I mean, I did an Asian impression at Ming in the middle of the ballot.

She seems to roll with a lot, Mary Beth.

I don't think you got to worry too much, right?

I mean, she knew what she got into, right?

She asked for it.

Yeah, she sought it out.

Yeah, she

stalked it practically.

So, this is what you get.

What do you got planned for the birthday?

I actually celebrated my birthday last weekend.

So,

one of the best birthday celebrations of my entire life.

What did you do?

Well, the reason we celebrated early was because I got home from work on Friday and

there was no kids.

They were out doing air things.

So I was like, we should celebrate my birthday tonight because there's nobody home.

And on my birthday, you know, anything's on the menu.

Oh.

So

I took advantage of that.

And then literally the next day, I get to pick where I wanted to go eat because we just told the kids it's this weekend.

Yeah.

And I went to Friendly's and I had the best piece of meat I've ever had in my life.

Really?

At a Friendly's?

I've been to Morton's.

Wait a second.

Are you in Christian earlier?

No, that was the day before.

But

it was like, usually when I go and I pick Friendly's, I'm like, you know, and I tell everybody how great it's going to be.

It's never really as good as I think it's going to be.

But this particular time, I got a Salisbury steak that was fucking better than anything.

I love a good Salisbury steak.

Go on and say it.

I know what you're going to say.

Morton's

going to be a little bit more char.

I'm telling you.

I know you think I'm just saying it to fuck with you.

It was so damn good.

And then I got ice cream.

And then the next day,

the Packers were playing the Bucs and Tom Brady was facing off against Aaron Rodgers.

And I really want to watch this game.

And it's my birthday weekend.

We have a family engagement.

And I was like, I really want to watch this game.

And I said,

I go, Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady, this could be the last time they ever faced off against each other.

This is historic.

These are two Hall of Famers going head to head.

I want to watch this game.

And my wife was like, well, I'll just tell them that you had to work this weekend.

Oh, what a trooper she is.

Oh, my God.

And so I sat there with the two dogs and watched Tom Brady fucking light up Aaron Rodgers.

They crushed them.

And just sitting there going, this may have been the best birthday weekend of my entire life.

I mean, I came into work.

I asked Ginnon my mic.

I mean, I let them tell fucking boring-ass stories, didn't interrupt them.

I even chuckled harder at the fucking horrible jokes.

I have been a fucking pleasure to deal with, I imagine, this week.

Wow.

Yeah, it's been great.

Why can't it be like that all the time, not just once a year?

I'll tell you why.

Okay.

Because if it's like that all the time, then there's nothing to look forward to then.

Once a month.

Once every two months.

But if you do it, you get used to it.

And then, like, the,

then how do you up the ante when it's time to up the ante then?

That's when you appreciate it more, man.

You know what?

There's something to be said for that because I am a fan of rapid escalation to a point where it makes people uncomfortable.

So, yeah, maybe the like the bull and his and his son sitting up there on the hill, you know, you walk on down instead of running down.

Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't get anything physical, like a a physical gift.

It was all like stuff that

you couldn't buy at a store.

Except for the Salisbury steak.

Yeah, it was great.

Well,

I'm about to correct that for you because I brought you

some gifts.

Big gift.

Big gift.

Gifts.

Gifts.

Well, the one in blue

is a couchrement.

You could open that.

What does that mean?

I've heard that word.

It just comes away.

I've never understood what that word meant.

I've always been too embarrassed to ask what that means.

So it's a lot.

Yeah.

And too lazy to look it up.

I don't know know how to spell it.

I'm hoping that

this will give you,

well, you'll see.

Okay.

Yeah.

A chocolate fountain.

That's it, my friend.

I know you probably can't be going to the Golden Corral now.

It might be harder to get there.

I let you down last time a little bit.

Sure did.

It's the third one he's got today.

This is like a high-end chocolate fountain.

Oh, I don't fuck around, bro.

You're my boy.

Thank you.

Yeah, I figure you know bring a little golden corral home to you and this is the chocolate that goes that melts oh that goes into it my kids are gonna love this yeah so it's not from a defunct golden corral no no no no and this is what's good about this is though that you don't ever have to worry about some fucking no disease-ridden little kid the only germs in there are the germs that you put in there exactly yeah thank you q yeah you know i don't have to call back to uh

A very old story on Tom Steve, Dave, right?

Yeah.

You did it on purpose.

Yeah, I did.

I did it on purpose.

Yeah.

I was just thinking about you in the Golden Corral and things we all might be missing in the pandemic.

And I was like, let me get it for the guy.

Now, if you don't want it, my feelings will not be hurt.

I want it.

You want it?

I want it.

I will use this.

I will use this at Thanksgiving.

Oh, man.

I love that.

And I will try to use it on Christmas, too.

Okay.

Definitely.

I'll send you pictures of the whole family with their fucking mouths written ear to ear.

Because we've never had a chocolate fountain

in our own abode.

Yeah.

now you do.

They'll have so much chocolate on them.

It'll look like they're about to get canceled.

Thank you.

Oh, happy birthday, man.

Thank you so much.

It's wonderful having you in my life.

It's wonderful having you as a friend.

It's so sweet.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's been a fucking, I mean, this should have been my 50th birthday.

Well, it is, since I'm not

eternally 50 from now on.

Remember that amazing speech I gave at your wedding that time?

She was outdoing me.

Walt, I wondered how you felt about this.

It's the great pumpkin Charlie Brown.

For the first time since 1966, it will not be on broadcast television.

This is one of the things that

Gidem brought to my attention

during this week.

He wanted to let me know.

And he also was like, what do you think of this?

As if I'm like the Schultz

backer that

I'm going to be outraged by this.

I don't think that as much as...

As far back as you can remember, obviously, it's been on network television.

So it's yet another thing that's changing that ages you out, that makes you like, fuck, I don't have HBO Max.

Not that you watch it every year, but it's a change.

It's the principle.

You know what?

Yeah, it really didn't bother me.

I was shocked that it was still.

Didn't bother me either.

I was shocked that they still ran it on network TV up until last year, and that this is the first year they're not.

I was like, isn't that fucking shit on YouTube?

You could just watch it at any time you want?

Who cares if it's not on network TV?

Yeah, I didn't think it was, I thought it was a non-story.

I think it means a lot to people.

Nostalgia is being bought and sold.

Because now you can't watch it if you don't have HBO Max.

I could buy it on it.

I thought it was on Apple TV.

I thought it was on

HBO Max.

Well.

Well, HBO Max, let me tell you something, is a great service.

They have a lot of shit on that.

I love HBO Max.

HBO Max is winning.

I'm sorry, Walt.

You're right.

Apple TV Plus.

My bad.

That makes sense to me because they have the Snoopy series on there now.

Now, if you're upset by this and if you're feeling down about this, of this story, if there are people legitimately like, oh my god, this is such a bummer,

you really, your life must be fucking amazing.

If this bums you out at this point, I mean, this is really not an issue.

All the shit that's going on in the world, and this is what's got you fucking.

Maybe they're only caring about this just to care about something else because it's so fucking miserable right now.

I'll tell you what, I started, I've been a reader my whole life.

Like a book a week I would read.

And then something happened a few years ago.

I just got busy and I stopped.

And this pandemic has brought me back to the point where I'm now reading two, sometimes three books a week.

Like, I'll just read.

You're devouring.

Devouring is the right word.

And I love it.

And it's hard.

Like, I'm not playing video games right now.

I'm not even watching movies.

I'm just in this thing where I'm just reading, reading, reading, and I'm loving it.

And I have lost track of what's going on in the world.

I gotta, like, it's been

no,

it's been such an escape, dude.

It's been unbelievable.

I'll just tell you, it hasn't gotten any better.

No, I didn't.

Well, the election's coming up, so I can't.

Things have just gotten, it's just gotten worse, and it's just there's no end in sight for like when good times will return.

Yeah.

It's just a miserable fucking cesspool.

Turn the page, bro.

Turn the page.

Keep reading.

Really is.

And I'm telling you, when I went to New York, I was like, this is the most chaotic cesspool I've been in in some time.

Do you feel smarter when you read more?

Like, do you feel better about yourself?

No, I don't mean in a bad bad way.

I don't mean in a condescending way.

Do you feel smarter?

I didn't mean to get like that.

Don't take that as a tact.

Because there are some things where you're like, do you feel like

you accomplish more by reading than just sitting down or laying down and watching TV at like 12-hour clips?

I think it depends.

Lots being aimed old Briseway tonight.

That's the insult.

I got it.

I was directed at you.

I wonder.

Yeah, if you're feeling attacked, it's only because you're shining shining on the mirror on your cell phone.

You just gave him a chocolate syrup, fountain.

Don't worry about it.

You know what?

It depends on what I'm reading.

I'm reading a lot of

fiction right now.

So I don't necessarily get that Smarty Pants vibe, but I do read

biographies and historical things.

Yeah, I like reading those, but right now I'm deep in a fiction thing.

He can school you on Eleanor Roosevelt.

Not really.

Not really.

I'm reading this detective series now that somebody told me two days ago is apparently written.

One name's on the cover, but apparently the woman who wrote the Harry Potter books wrote them.

Oh, she's Sarkata Nagrata?

Well, that's the other thing I heard, too.

What is it called when you're not 18?

Carsana Nagrata.

Yeah, I didn't really

out.

Oh, with the trans community and shit.

Yeah, I read that too.

Some people are getting their tattoos removed.

I'm telling you, specifically, I'm reading this series.

These detective books are so fucking good.

I'm so into them.

I'm trying to crack the case i'm loving the characters and the new book just came out which i didn't never even heard of these series before a month ago and then my friend was like oh whoa yeah no no they like people are hating on the the final the last book and the one i haven't read yet she wrote it under a pen name well that's how i didn't know it was her i just started reading them and uh and he said uh and like apparently like this some some uh trans advocates are pissed at her for

the killers uh trans i don't know yet i haven't read that one yeah that's what i heard like that never happens silence the lamps yeah Well, I will say.

That's a fake story, though.

But isn't this a detective story?

Yeah, this is fake.

You were doing it probably for sensationalistic purposes, though.

Well, I'm just telling you, I don't.

I think J.K.

Rowling needs to sensationalize shit.

Doesn't everybody?

I don't think she does.

The books are so good, dude, that when he told me that, I was like, there's no fucking way that she slipped in anti-trans messaging into this.

I was like, there's just no fucking way.

I can't wait.

I guarantee it's people making a big deal out out of nothing.

But you don't know because you haven't read this one yet?

No, but based on the way the books are so far,

it just wouldn't fit in the tone of the books to do that.

And this is like a...

Who is the hero?

Cormoran Strike.

It's a detective and it's a sister.

It's a male.

Well, his partner is a female.

Okay.

Yeah.

But yeah, he's a male.

Sorry.

As per usual.

But he's a war hero.

He lost his leg.

He's missing a leg.

You know, it's good.

You're supposed to feel sorry for him.

He doesn't ask you to

He doesn't ask you to in the book.

I got my own problems.

Yeah, like I'm super into the, I'm super into them, and I was disturbed to hear that I could be run out of the community for reasoning.

Did she write them as

a female author or as a male author?

Male author.

Oh, even worse.

Yeah, it does.

But she pulled that shit with Harry Potter.

She changed it into J.K., so people would think she's a male.

But that's been done many times.

But now it's unacceptable to use a male pseudonym.

No, I think Waltz is making it up right now.

yeah uh no it's oh you don't think that's you don't think that's shitty though not really no what does it matter the sex of the person who wrote it i read into it and it was like it must matter because she's changing her name and trying to become a male no no she did the same thing stephen king did she wrote the books and submitted them anonymously to under this name because she wanted them to succeed on their own merits so she got a publisher as an unknown writer as an unknown writer she got a publishing deal got it out there they sold like 2 000 books but she got the deal and then the one of the uk papers leaked leaked that it was her.

Now it exploded.

And then it exploded.

It became bestseller.

And they deserve to be bestsellers.

They're really good books.

That Bachman books, or the Bachman name that Stephen King used, it was like some nosy guy went to the Library of Congress and started cross-referencing shit.

And that's how he discovered Stephen King was.

Why take that from him?

Like, if the guy wants to do it, why not just let him do it?

He's doing it for a reason.

Yeah.

I don't get it.

Yeah.

Speaking of book authors.

Yeah, we're going to have a guest.

Last week's guest was divisive.

You wouldn't think that would be a Steve Byrne type thing because he's so nice.

But I saw on Reddit somebody was complaining.

Now, I rarely go to Reddit, but I was like, oh, let me see, you know, if people like Steve.

Some did, some didn't.

Some were vocal about it and blamed me for bringing him on.

And one thing was one guy complained that it was going along just fine until we had him on and then it slowed down the show or whatever.

But I'm like, but we did an hour before he even came on.

It's never enough.

It's never enough.

And I'm like, part of me wants to be like, fuck you asshole.

And the other part's like, wow, they like it that much.

Get up?

Yeah, half empty or half full.

It's how you perceive it.

Right, because I'll never talk to him unless I go back at him.

Right.

So it's all how

you talk about it.

He loves me so much.

Yeah, yeah.

He doesn't want his Johnson diluted.

He also complained about me railing against PC shit, which honestly, I don't think I've done in some time, have I?

Like, I am not on that anti-PI.

You know why?

Because I was fucking right.

And all this shit where people, I was right.

All this shit where people are like, oh, he's complaining about PC, or he's complaining about politically correct and all this other shit.

It's like, look where we are now.

You can't even fucking submit your goddamn book as a male without people fucking coming down on you.

She kind of did that.

You can't say anything that goes against.

I mean, she's a billionaire.

I don't think we ought to to worry about her.

No, I'm not worried about her.

But, yeah, for the.

This is what you get now.

The real victim would be if I couldn't read the books because somebody else decided that there was a wrong message in it.

Then I'd be the victim.

It's not crazy to think that.

Walt's the second person that brought it up to me.

Yeah.

What's that?

That something in her books puts on a non-grada.

Well, yeah, like

as an author or her, as a person, like

her community, her fan base has kind of turned on her, and they are not happy with her.

But this is she'll never win back that fan base.

There's nothing she can do, no.

How many of them, though?

How many do you think?

A lot of them.

I saw somebody come in here, like flesh and blood, not somebody online complaining.

Someone came in with a really awesome tattoo of a monster, and I was, and I rarely ever say this.

I rarely ever say, oh, hey, man, I love that ink.

But I was like, I really dig that tattoo.

I said, that's crazy.

It was like, I think it was Boris Karloff as Igor or Bella bella lugosi as igor and then i saw another one that was really cool and she was like oh

i don't even want to talk about that one i have to get that one removed and mike knew what it was and he said oh that's harry potter and she goes yeah she was getting it removed because of what's happened wow she said she was so into potter

that she got this tattoo but now after all this has come to light she's so disillusioned and so unhappy that you know somebody that she held in respect has beliefs that are so in direct opposite of what she believes in that she doesn't even want the tattoo anymore.

You can't have that.

Wow.

You can't have somebody disagree with you.

Well, I heard also that.

Now, I wouldn't say we're influencers, though, but I saw this poll.

I would.

I wouldn't.

I influenced Mary Beth to shut her lip.

But they said that people real, like 78% of people

want their influencer, the people that they follow, their influencers, to held the same core beliefs that they do.

That's a very high number.

Sure, but I don't think that's crazy.

Like,

say you're not a good guy, say you're like, I'm totally.

80% of the, like, if they don't line up exactly how I line up thinking, then

I'm not going to support, I don't know, I don't know if you support them or you're not going to be

following them or doing anything to further their career because they just are like done.

I think that's the key to our success is indifference and total apathy when it comes to that kind of shit.

Politics and such.

We're here to make jokes at each other's expense and to fuck around and to talk about the nonsense that goes on in our lives.

So let's do that.

Let's do it here.

Okay, well, we'll start off by Q.

You tell me,

I can't remember another time when Walt lied to me.

Oh, but I'm going to show you a picture that proves he lied.

He lied to you.

Whoa, that's fucking

pretty fancy, right?

But you're going to want to put on your glasses for this one.

Okay.

Oh, I got to put my glasses on?

Yeah.

That's officially blank.

Because

you claimed that at the wedding you did not wear a gold chain.

What am I looking at right there, bro?

Oh, it's a chain I got on right now.

No, it's not.

Polish those glasses.

Those are all fogged up.

No, I swear to God, that is not a gold chain.

Somebody must have altered that photo or

that's on my Instagram.

I swear to God.

I swear to God on my children's eyes.

I don't ever wear, I don't ever worn a a gold chain.

This is the chain I've worn for the last

five years.

Now, are you sure you want to say that?

Because there's a lot of compliments saying, like, hey, looking good, Walt.

Too bad you lied about it, but you're looking good.

I did not lie.

That is a trick of the light or somebody has altered the photo.

I had to say which it was.

Yeah, I mean, if you want to judge for yourself, go to tell them that's on Instagram.

I would not lie about wearing a gold chain.

I didn't think you would either, but I mean, I'm looking at you in that fucking sweet-ass gold chain right here, smiling too.

Oh, I gotta take a photo.

I didn't want to take that photo.

You didn't?

I was fucking corralled into it.

It was

a lot of fucking photos, wasn't it?

Oh, hell yeah.

And then, and when she, Mary Beth got on back, she's like, oh, I should have gotten a photo of just you with Walt and just you with Q.

I was like, it was raining.

Don't you remember?

Like, it started to rain.

Well, you did get to.

No, just you.

Me and you.

Then just me and Q.

Then just me and Mike and Ming.

I'm like, that's okay.

That's okay.

We're good.

Holy shit, do you hear that?

I don't have Mike on.

Headphones on.

No, it's not through the headphones.

It's a sound of a thousand boners going unpopped because they don't have Blue Chew.

Oh,

Blue Chew's back.

That was a clever segue.

Blue Chew, thank you.

What is the sound of one boner popping?

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I didn't think they would be one that would stick around.

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Who likes to fuck on a full stomach, though?

Impossible.

It's not possible.

I mean, not impossible, but it's not preferred.

You can't be doing the work.

Like, if I've just had a big meal of pasta and shit, and then it's like, fuck me, stupid.

I'd be like, no, you fuck me, stupid.

I just had dinner.

A young man could fuck on a full stomach.

You think?

Oh, hell yeah.

Oh, man.

I used to fuck with stomachs with beer and bar food in a bathroom.

Exactly.

Back in the day.

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Yeah.

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I wish I had the stomach of a 20-year-old.

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They're not taking an awful lot of credit for fucking what we're doing.

Don't you think?

Let them have it.

They're paying.

Yeah, that's true.

All right.

I had

something that touches this topic.

I keep in touch with

various friends from my high school years and whatnot.

And one of my friends, she reached out to me, and in the course of several emails back and forth, she was like, I found

not Blue Chew, but what is it?

The Viagra

prescription in my husband's bag.

He hid it.

And

I'm sorry.

What happened?

She was going through her husband's bag.

His travel business.

No, not travel.

It wasn't.

I love the details.

You fill it.

Like, no, you don't know.

No, she wasn't concerned he was cheating.

Okay.

She was saying that she was.

So it'll be like in my duffel bag I take back and forth to work every day.

She found it in there.

Yeah, it was just a briefcase.

It might have not even been in a bag.

It might have just been, she just found it in his stuff.

And she was upset.

She was like, he, she's like, why would he need it?

She's like, why would he need it?

Like, what's wrong with me?

Was her attitude.

Really?

She's that

old-fashioned and out of touch with

today's.

Well, how old is she?

She's your age.

She's my age.

She's 44.

How old's the husband?

Same age?

Same 44, 45.

Did you tell her, like, it's not you?

It's just

as guys.

I said, put it out of your head.

You don't even want to see how lit my dick is.

I was like, every ramen soup.

No.

I told her, I said, look, I said, there's two things going on.

I was like, one, yes, you guys have fucked.

You've been married 20 years a billion times.

I was like, it's not like you're here telling me that your sex life is on fire and you don't get why he's not joining in.

I was like, two, I was like, he's 44.

He's 44, though.

Yeah.

That's a little young, though, isn't it?

You can see.

You can see to the start of it, I think.

I think it could be.

I'm 52.

Yeah.

Not yet, but last week, whatever was on the menu was over.

You thought he had dyslexia.

You thought he was 25.

I could have did it it on a full stomach

more Salisbury steak please

it's not gonna slow me down

yeah but there might be you know where there's smoke there's fire I don't think he's cheating on her I think he's just fucked the same woman for decades and and it's just like hey man but so is walt

so is waltz well I don't think but I also don't think humans are the same right you know what I mean I don't think everybody can be a walt obviously no fuck no yeah

we wish I know but i i had talked her off the ledge like some sort of utopia

a human utopia

so was she did she seem satisfied with your did you talk her down after i her

back in the day um so uh the uh no but this is the way that i put it to it i said look i said this is the way you should be looking at it half glass full half glass empty i said he didn't tell you because He was embarrassed, but he probably noticed the issue.

Your sex life is important to him.

So he took steps to fix it, you know, without even involving you.

I was like, you should be flattered that, like, he still wants to have sex with you.

He still wants to.

He's just having a little trouble with it.

And rare is the guy who wants to run up to his wife immediately and be like, guess who can't pop owners?

Yeah.

It's different for everyone.

Not everyone has the lack of self-respect to come on a podcast and just blather about it.

Yeah.

Do you feel that you helped her?

I feel I helped her.

Do you feel, though, that, like, does her husband know that she's going to an impractical joker and telling the details of her

life?

How much would you hate that if you found that shit out?

Yeah, I think any guy, I wouldn't say specifically an impractical joker.

Well, I'm no threat, and I know him, but I don't think you'd be happy.

I don't think you'd be happy.

What world is fucking beat you not a threat to every fucking woman on this planet?

I mean, this world?

Oh, yeah.

This is

self-deprecating bullshit, right?

I would never, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, it's not even in the cards, it's the I don't have that relationship with her I don't think he'd be happy right I don't think he would be happy but at the same time I had his back right but is it just as

there's a lot of you know little things being held back from each other in this marriage his prescription yeah her phone line to you right how good of friends are you that she

wouldn't be surprised that we we

spoke about yeah about that yes but just in general that we communicate he wouldn't be bothered or surprised now how much of a

I've send them signed things for their family and stuff like that.

But how invested are you in?

Oh, not at all.

Because it's like, will you follow up and like in a week and be like, so what's going on?

Not at all.

How are his erections?

Did you talk about the Ixne, Ixne?

No, no, I wouldn't.

No, you're not going to follow up and find out if everything.

I will now.

But I wouldn't think to worry about it.

I mean, it's probably unlikely that he went to see a doctor without her knowing, right?

She said it was Viagra.

I don't know.

Well, fuck it.

That's a tough one to hide.

You don't have to go see a doctor for Blue Chew.

You can just fucking show out an online survey.

Well, you see her online doctor.

Yeah.

Which is legal.

I should send him any 52, baby.

And all U.S.

territories.

Guam, I'm pretty sure, too.

Why, you think I was out of line to discuss it with her?

How close would you, on a scale of one to 10, are you with this person?

I mean, at this point, I've known him 30 years.

Okay.

And we did hook up back in, you know, I'm talking 25 years ago.

Would it matter to you at all?

Yes, it would matter a lot.

How often do you speak to this person?

How many times a year?

Three, four times supposed to change emails.

A year.

A year.

A year.

But it's never gotten into that realm of like

where

I need the sage-like advice.

No,

not about her brand.

You can dispense for some reason.

She has no girlfriends.

I convinced her to get into therapy about three years ago.

Yeah,

I've tried to be like a

mentor.

I wanted to put a picture of you.

You're an influencer.

But yeah, I've influenced her.

And that's nice, though, that you haven't, like, you know, you don't go around, you know, bragging about it.

Well, I'm on a podcast with six figures listening.

Yeah, but I mean, but you kept this, you kept all your listener base in the dark about how you going about helping people and giving great advice, though.

Like a lot of people would have to shout that from the rooftops, you know, let everybody know, oh, I helped, I saved my friend's life tonight.

As soon as I do it, I'm going to brag about it.

I wish my friends were more depressed so I had something to.

Oh, they are.

Do you think I texted him last night at 10 o'clock last night?

Yeah, I think everybody has like you, don't you provide this for Giddam?

I don't think so.

Really?

I don't think that I provide

more of a Dutch uncle, I think.

What's a Dutch uncle?

It's like somebody who's always there to reprimand you.

Yeah, if you had to ask Giddam with me not in the room, I don't think my advice

is one where he walks away going like, man, I'm really glad he's in my life to give me this advice.

I think he's more like, God, I wish he'd fucking stop telling me what to do.

Here a second.

Yeah, I got a question for you.

I actually have something to say to get him, too, but

I want to hear your answer to this.

Come over here, get him.

Watch out for my chocolate fountain.

Oh, wow.

Stay away.

We're going to hook it up after Thanksgiving, after my family uses it.

I'll bring it in to the stash.

We can.

Oh, great.

We can dip things in chocolate together.

Go ahead.

I mean, well, yeah, go ahead.

Now, the question at the table is: go ahead, Kim, ask him.

So, we were discussing, I mean, were you listening?

Not really.

Okay.

So, we were discussing me giving advice to a friend of mine.

Okay.

Over the years, I've been a source of a confidant, if you want to.

Valuable info.

Sure.

And Walt made it seem like that's not something that he does, but I said, well, what about Giddem?

Don't Don't you give Giddam advice and give him guidance and stuff like that?

And he says no, and that's where we're at now.

How do you does Walt

Does Walt guide you in any way?

He tries.

How so?

He does give me advice.

I don't always accept it.

He tries to help out when he can.

Good advice?

Yes, yes.

So why don't you take it?

He's incapable of taking it.

There's hard-headedness?

Yeah, there's definitely like a titanium wall in that skull that won't let good advice seep in.

And he just, yeah, he's just, he's a type of person that he's going to do it his way.

I'm not set in my ways.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm very set in my ways.

But my advice comes from the heart.

It's never, like, I may say it nasty and I may say it like I can't stand you, but it comes from a point like that.

He said, I can't stand you.

That was Saturday.

I can't stand you.

See you Wednesday, and then walked out the door.

Oh, really?

What happened to the lock-in block?

Oh, those days are over.

We need some boo-choo in this fucking relationship big time.

That honeymoon is long, long over.

If I don't see a patch that says, I can't stand you, I'll see you Wednesday.

Because

it's like talking to Drywall.

It's like talking to Drywall.

Like, he'll tell me all the things that are wrong, and I'll tell him, well, you should do this.

You should do this.

Well, why don't you think of this?

Why don't you do this?

I told you to try this.

Talking to Drywall.

I take the advice in, and I weigh it, but for some reason, my brain gives its own stupidity a lot more weight than the...

Well, could you give me an example of good advice Walt's given you that you have outweighed in your own mind?

That I should get out of the place where I'm staying right now.

Okay, so what in your mind outweighs it?

Because

it's,

I hate to say it, it's cheaper to put up with it right now than it is to go out and financially it's cheaper.

Yes, it's psychologically not cheaper.

Yeah, financially, it's cheaper, and I could put the money that I'm saving towards in a soda can under a badge.

Well, no, we're still a conflagration breaks out.

We're still trying to figure out what's going on with the farm with rebuilding.

And apparently the insurance won't give us enough money to rebuild.

So we're also looking at buying a s a a smaller place.

So that money that I have could go towards that.

And I I don't I see it as kind of a waste to spend it on something like a year at a like housing.

Yeah,

a year at other housing that I could put towards something more permanent.

Okay.

But why would you have to pay for it?

Will you own it then as well?

Or will your father and his and his business partner own it?

He's trying to get rid of his business partner.

So this would be something that would be us.

I should have known it.

My father and I.

But you have enough to do that, but like no steps, no things going are moving forward to achieve that goal.

So why not just give yourself some semblance of normalcy and just I walk, I had to deliver a package, an eBay package.

It was unbelievably somebody bought something in Red Bank.

Oh, wow.

And I walked it over rather than mail it.

So it was a nice day, and I saw two places that said apartments for rent within walking distance from here.

And I was like, bro, you should at least call and just see what the fucking rent is.

I go, how sweet would it be to live right around, like within walking distance or like, or a two-second drive?

I said.

And he will not even, he's not motivated enough to even call to see what the rent is.

No, because I still have to go to the farm at least five days a week.

There's always going to be an excuse as to why you're not willing to just have some sense of normalcy in your life.

There's always going to be something there to stop you from doing it.

And I've just accepted it now.

So I don't, that's why I'm like, all right, I can't stay in here.

I'll see you Saturday or Wednesday.

And I don't say it in anger.

I was just like, yeah.

And I, you know, and again, I, it's

not in anger.

Like defeat.

I'm sure a lot of people out there can empathize with the whole wanting, kind of seeing that there's, you know, you're having a mental block, but you just can't get over it.

There's like, I think a lot of things are Mount Everest to get him for some reason.

Like, the things that a lot of people don't consider.

But he looks at things as if they're like

they're the equivalent of like, you know, climbing Mount Everest for some reason.

And a lot of that's some of that's my own doing, and that putting it off makes the

mother's doing.

Which one?

Your adopted mother.

I think she fucked you over so bad.

She fucked you up in the head that it's almost going to be impossible to to regain there's no hope uh uh what to ever go to like where he's where he's not going to live in a basement with silverfish no i mean i know there's no hope for that

that's like yeah i think he's

actually crickets and spiders what is it the fucking crickets lately they're everywhere yeah oh it's

both of them those mole those cave crickets yeah or the camel crickets with a rent and the other one the other ones i don't mind it's those camel crickets i went for decades without seeing this many crickets it's like they've had an orgy of something lately but you know we did that benefit pod for him

He has

multiple years' worth of rent.

Yes, you do.

Bullshit.

You'll have at least two years' worth of rent.

You're not fucking living in a Manhattan high-rise.

You're living in a fucking room with a hot plate in a Red Bank.

Not a joker, you asshole.

I mean, I don't want to get into figures, but anything over

would be just a little over two years.

It just got in the figures then.

That can be cut out.

That can be cut out.

We're not cutting it out.

Keep that shit in.

But that's not including, you know, utilities.

But you work full-time.

It's not like if you spend this money on rent, that you're going to be like, have nothing to your name.

But it's, I'm putting, again,

I'm taking and saving money.

Again, if need be to put towards the amount of the amount of money that I have from that end work, if I could put a really, I've talked about it with Jeff, I could put down a really nice down payment

on a house.

With your debt.

With my dad.

With my dad's credit, yeah.

And the money.

It would be a really nice company.

Are you telling me that you're angling for home ownership?

Again,

we're still trying to see what's going on with the fire.

It's so effed up.

It drives me crazy beyond belief.

How long ago was the fire again?

July 20.

How many months?

Yeah, over 15, probably, or close to 15.

Wow.

That's a long time.

Like, what do you think that did to your psyche living with that insane woman this whole time?

Her shitting all over.

Making you shit outside like an animal.

I think he likes it.

Living with camel crickets, whatever the fuck they are.

I don't like it.

I just

heard of such

spiders.

Oh, is that it?

Just camel crickets, camel crickets.

Yeah, they're huge.

It's over his whole face.

Every once in a while I see one on the pillow and it's just like, yeah, just

that's not enough, huh?

No.

What will be enough?

There is nothing enough.

Her kicking me out.

Her kicking me out.

Yes.

Which I said, you are leaving her house in a body bag or she throws you out or the the police have to forcibly remove you.

That's how I think you're getting out.

You will never let those steps to leave.

No, no,

if the house was repaired, I'd be out in a hard cry.

I'm sorry.

There are bugs in your bed?

Your bed?

In the basement.

Where you sleep.

Yes.

Get him.

You can't get out of there.

Recently, we've had two birds down in the basement, which I know you have to do.

I mean, I would be like, maybe they'll eat the bugs.

It's already positive.

The glass half full.

Geez, but what if if we...

No, there's nothing you can do.

What if I paid your rent for a year?

Well, yeah, because then

I would be saving that money.

Can I take it in cash and still live with spiders?

So

if you did some research and found an apartment.

That was...

The big thing is the traveling back and forth, especially when it comes to winter, it's like seven days a week I have to go to the farm.

But how far is the apartment you're in now from the farm?

It's like halfway.

It's a cellar.

It's about halfway.

It's about 1520.

Okay.

So I'm asking him to

Redbank, which would add another 20 minutes.

But you'd be living

bug free.

But that's

not worth a 20-minute drive around 20 minutes.

It's 40 minutes each way.

It would be like 40 minutes each way.

But bug-free.

Yeah.

And no psychopath

fucking yelling and ranting at you.

Able to use a bathroom when you want to use it.

These are things that just don't appeal enough to him.

So even if I picked up the rent, you wouldn't want to do it because of convenience.

I said I would.

All right, let's, why don't we do some research?

Okay.

See what we can come up with here.

It really is sad to see him languish and just

he's my what's sad is that you find it acceptable.

No, I don't say it's acceptable.

I deal with it by virtue of the fact that

that means you find it acceptable.

You're accepting it.

What are you talking about?

It's a very definition of being accepted is staying there when you have the opportunity to leave.

I understand why you're doing it.

That I totally get.

This is his new mother figure, though.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

This is definitely his new mother figure.

He lets her walk all over him.

Well, I really

went before this.

Before this, she walked all over you, too.

Jeff told me.

Spoke to you like

a five-year-old in front of the supermarket.

She's just slapped you, as Jeff said.

She's bitch people.

Yeah,

she was dropping me off.

She was verbally bitch slapped.

She was dropping me off after because my Jeep was in the shop or something.

She was dropping me off, and she was saying something to me out the window as she was leaving.

Well, do you remember what it was?

No, not my mind.

But Jeff said it was akin to a mother yelling at a five-year-old in front of the supermarket about, like, I guess, getting on the little

Jeff must feel like he's on acid between the hours of 12 and 5 on Sundays.

Yeah, I don't, I don't know.

I think, yeah, he just wants to get out of here, too.

Can't stand you.

See you next Sunday.

Does that bother you?

That you've gotten on people's nerves to the point where they're your friends and they're like, I can't stand you.

I'll see you later.

No, because I've had friends who do the same thing, you know, the same thing.

Yeah.

So.

What an odd duck you are, Giddam.

I've said it's kind of like water off a duck's back sometimes.

Like, I take this stuff and I just let it roll off.

Of course you can.

No one can.

I'll just pop back up to the surface.

Well, it's not like there's no cause for this because no matter what, also like unrelated to his living conditions, he'll just tell you you're wrong about everything and tell you that, like, you know, so there's a

condition.

I do.

I think about Giddam a lot more than I should.

And I worry about you more than I should.

And the other day I had, I had such a warm feeling about you.

Are they going to say you had heart palpitations?

No, no.

I was like, I was like, you know, I was thinking about you in that fucking Elvira dress.

Okay.

And I was like,

go on.

I was like.

I had my blue chew by myself.

Yeah, I had my blue chew.

No.

And I was like, he's up for anything.

I was like, he's such an asset to this show.

And he's as much a part of the show as I am at this point.

And I'm like,

and I'm like,

he's so,

I mean, he's just so good to work with.

Like, you're a gift, a comedic gift.

And I mean that in a good way.

And I was like, we're really lucky to have Giddam on the show.

I really feel that way.

I think the show is

better for Giddam's, let's say, influence on the show.

And I was feeling really appreciative towards you, man, and like, really, like, man, he's a good guy.

I think it's been,

what is that kind of relationship where it's

symbiotic relationship?

Oh, no, we've done more for him than he's done for us.

Let me be clear on that.

A little parasitic.

Yeah, a little parasitic.

You're about to figure out about to pay his rent for a year.

Yeah, no, come on.

I won't because he's going to drop it.

You'd think this guy's going to find apartments to look at and come to me with rents and stuff like that?

He might when you went with the alleged

trip to Vegas, nothing.

For $5,000, you'll lose some weight.

Nothing.

You think this is the thing I was trying to do?

I tried to reschedule the Vegas trip.

No, you did not.

Yes, I did.

You did not.

You tried.

I told you, pick the days.

We'll go on your schedule.

You never gave me the days.

Oh, okay.

So you didn't try it.

I don't remember that, okay?

So, all right, we'll see.

We'll see.

Geez.

But yeah,

you can't be sleeping with fucking bugs crawling all over you, dude.

This is America, it's gross, it is gross.

You have beard, man.

Like, a bug could be nesting in there as we speak.

Uh, I hope not.

But you don't have to hope, yeah, you could take steps to make sure it doesn't happen,

but you wait, he's checked out.

This is the look he gets when you talk to him.

Uh, there's definitely a beginning blaze.

Yeah, he checked out, he just started staring at the table.

Yeah, yeah.

I think that, like, I asked him, I said, didn't this, because you were friends with this lady before this you spent a lot of time with her you would go have dinner with her every night yeah i go how has this how can you ever go back now to that relationship before i mean it's it's irrevocably yeah very good nice worked now and but he says no it's not so that's that kind of person he is is like he he maintains that like she could treat us as dog shit like yeah you he gets out and then she's like hey you want to come over for dinner i'd be like fuck you bitch like why would you ever talk to her again it's it's who she is she's making you shit in a pail.

No, no, no.

I go to a park and I use a porta potty.

It's not as bad as a pail.

How long does it take you to get to the park?

Well, they just.

One is one's like five minutes away.

There's another one that just opened up because the school opened up.

So that's only about two minutes away.

You can't be lurking around.

You're around school, children taking shit.

No, no, no, no.

It's like a school with a playing field.

So they have a port-a-potty out by the playing field.

So I just, you know, I drive the Jeep over, parks.

Doesn't it ever bother you that you're that guy?

No, I can tell it doesn't bother me.

I think he wants to be that guy in some strange way that he doesn't even realize.

He wants to be the guy that comes to the table and is like,

and say, and so, like, as if it's the, like, it's the most normal thing ever.

No, it's these things.

Why aren't you doing it?

He wants to be that dude.

These things.

It's not normal, but I will say, I think that me

doing that rather than expose her to, because she complains that there's a smell.

I think it's.

She didn't expect that.

I remember you did.

This is the, but these are the stories you want to tell because I remember you had the Franks were down, Mrs.

Five and Frank, and you just started going into way more detail about the odor that you leave behind.

Mrs.

Frank was horrified.

Yeah.

These are stories.

Like, he wants to be that guy that tells these, like, these kooky guy.

Yeah, you know.

He wants to be the crazy guy.

hot Helen cousin, uh, hot cousin Helen showed up, and all he's talking about is his foot ailments and shit.

And, like, you can see it on her face, like, oh, but you feel like, oh, I have no chance with Helen anyway, so I'll disgust her.

I'll make an impact one way or the other.

She's going to fucking remember me.

Yeah, I don't think he's looking to disgust them.

I think he's looking to be like, I could captivate them, but I can't captivate them with something mundane.

I got to go, I got to go eccentric.

Yeah, guess where I should at four in the morning?

I mean, compare that to my $5 boot stories or similar stories.

Would you say that's

what that's your, yeah, the shitting in a fucking bucket on the field at a school is definitely your A-list material.

It's not a bucket, it's a water-a pie.

Construction workers use these things all the time.

So I know, I know.

I would just hope that, like,

even me, and I look, I've been disappointed in myself more times than anyone else I know.

Doing that,

I would just be so disappointed in myself and be like, God, I got to be worth more than this.

I got to be.

I think that's a good thing about Giddam.

I don't know if he's that self-reflective, though.

I think he's just a roll with the punches kind of dude, man.

He just rolls with it and he's like, well, that's the way it is.

That's the way it's going to be right now, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, which is a great attitude to have, I think.

If it's short term.

If you got to have one attitude, that's the way I would prefer it to be if I had to be in his shoes.

Trust me,

I would love to be able to,

like I used to go out to the bathroom, open a book.

Well, because

no, the mudroom bathroom was outside that.

You're going to have all my J.K.

Rowling's books and throw them out.

Apparently.

Well, no, like the mudroom bathroom was outside the house, kind of proper.

It was like, you know, it's a tan.

You didn't even have a normal bathroom at the other house?

I did, but it was upstairs, so it was easier to just use the mudroom bathroom because it was like right out the, it was the living room, the kitchen, the mudroom.

So,

but that's right, you know, but you know, I would go out there, read my book, and, you know, that was my, you know,

I did enjoy it.

I did enjoy time.

I did, yeah, I did enjoy it.

And trust me, I would love to have that.

It was so easy.

Yeah.

You know how achievable that fucking shit is?

And you don't even necessarily have to live here in Redbank, even if you lived halfway between here and the horse farm.

Yeah.

I've tried finding apartments.

I went to like apartments.com, and they are just anything that looks reasonably affordable.

You click on it, and it's like, even though it'll say, like, updated two days ago, it'll be like, oh, nothing available.

And it's like, well, why did you show me

the listing then?

And some of the places I've gone to,

the requirements are you have to earn three times the monthly rent in your monthly salary.

They want copies of your paycheck.

Nobody cares about it.

But why can't you?

But why can't you?

Why is that so daunting to you to provide that?

It's not that it's daunting to provide it, it's that even if I provided it to them, it's not there.

I don't make, I mean, I do make a nice salary here, I don't make three times the monthly rent of some of these places.

Well, now you can go in and be like, My sugar daddy is fucking BP.

And they're like, wait, you're a sugar baby.

Oh, boy.

I knew those Hollywood type for freaks.

By sugar baby, I mean I have horrible diabetes.

Boy, get him.

I don't know.

Well, you're going to go check for these apartments, and we're going to be updated on.

So, how do you go to your account and you're like, yeah, I'm going to pay for the rent of this dude.

What does he have on you?

There's no other reason.

Is this tax deductible?

I don't know.

How do you explain that?

Well, I don't really.

It's my money.

I don't really have to explain to him what I do with it.

My friend's falling on hard times.

He's sleeping with fucking silverfish and crickets up his ass.

I need to help this guy out.

I saw Daddy Longlegs in my house the other day.

Pay my rent?

Yeah, you got it.

Nice.

Thank you.

Hey, get him.

Yes, sir.

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Wow.

Hey,

something I got to ask the aunts for a favor.

You might have just solved the problem for me because we're trying to get RH distributed in more states.

And the distributors are like, there's this app, Untapped, and they go to that to see how many people are interested in the beer.

And they use that to decide if they're going to bring it into their territories.

So if I get, beg the ants, if you guys could go to untapped.com, go to RH, and just five-star that up for me.

In 10 years, you have not asked for anything.

I rarely ask them for anything.

Not once.

So

finally.

I can't believe anything about this.

Oh, Ants, I'm begging you.

Please.

Please go to like Untapped and, yeah, just check it.

I don't know what check in and leave reviews, five stars.

I would greatly appreciate it, guys.

I think you're about to

be pleasantly surprised because the ants,

they can move rubber tree plants.

And you're not really asking for much because it is a great beer.

I mean, I stand by it.

All the varieties I've tried, I've loved.

I love the Pills that are the best.

Yeah, it is

my favorite of the children's.

Did you try the Katoba Festival?

I have not tried Katoba Festival, though.

I heard it is available in Neptune.

Awesome.

Oh, it is.

Yeah, yeah.

We got into a bunch of chains.

It's so good.

It's my favorite.

I'm trying to figure out how to make it year-round.

It's just the best.

You ever wish you liked beer, Walt?

Never.

Really?

Sometimes I wish I did because guys seem to have such a good time having a beer company.

You bond over beer.

Yeah, beer and that kind of thing.

You know what's great about owning a beer company?

What's that?

I fucking, like, like we just, we were working on a dinner party party the other day and the crew's in California.

I just send, I just send the case to the office and it arrives and the crew gets in.

They're like,

Brian sent beer from

New York.

So now that's my go-to.

Like, I just, I sent Scotty Gomez sent him some fucking beer.

Really?

Yeah, I've ship shit.

Did he ever send you the salmon?

He sent me the salmon.

He did send it to you.

It was unbelievable.

How many pounds?

Oh, God, it was huge.

It was these frozen packets.

Well, not frozen.

They put them in the vacuum seal and they put them in the thing.

Yeah, they were cleaning everything.

It was unbelievable.

They were like

four, actually, giant

vacuum-sealed salmon, like fillets, but like three in each package.

It was unbelievable.

So good.

Really?

So he's doing, these weren't just like his private catch, or these are some of the things.

No, no, I think this is.

He produces this for a commercial project.

No, no, no, no.

This is just him.

He caught it.

Really?

Yeah.

You're not a little bit concerned about it.

It wasn't cleaned properly or anything?

No?

No, I have some like parasites or some shit.

I mean, I cooked it.

I didn't eat raw.

So I wasn't that concerned.

No, it was excellent.

It was excellent.

Yeah, me and him text a bunch now.

We tell you.

That's funny.

What are you guys talking about?

He sent.

You want to see a video he sent?

Sure.

It's

a video of this guy quitting his job.

You'll like this, Brian.

Oh, okay.

And apparently the guy fired him.

His daughter works at a strip club.

So wait, he found this video online and just like, hey, he shared this with you?

Yeah.

You'll think, I'll think.

Yeah, and then we discuss it.

I kind of got to figure, I have to figure you kind of would think this was funny kind of deal.

Yeah, and then we discuss it.

Good God.

So here's a fucking Stanley, two-time Stanley Cup champion wasting his time on this bullshit.

So this guy, this guy tells his boss that he is dating his daughter after he gets fired.

Listen.

Yeah, man.

Why?

It ain't working out.

We tried everything we could, but we gotta let you go.

All right, whatever.

All right, no hard feelings, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Just to let you know, I know the real reason.

What's the real reason?

Because

every Friday, I go to show and tell and get a lap dance by your fucking daughter.

That's why.

You know what?

Grab your shit and get the fuck off my job.

I am.

And guess where I'm going?

So we fucking.

Guess where I'm going?

That's the part we talked about.

We were like, it's the savagest of burns where he's like, yeah, you know, I'm going to your daughter right now to get a lap dance.

There's nothing he can do because he's working.

Nothing he can do.

And we laugh about that, and we talk about that a bunch and stuff like that.

We send each other little videos like that.

You wouldn't like to get one of those videos, wouldn't you?

I would be so

disappointed if that was, if I had a friend who was a two-time Sailing Cup champion on my favorite team, and that was the level of conversation we were having rather than talking about, you know, hockey every time.

So, you don't want to be friends with a guy, you just want to talk hockey with him.

No, I want to get, I want to hear his point of view and what he thought when certain things happened and his insight on this or that.

Not like

videos that are on fucking TMZ and shit.

I don't have to tell you, bro.

Fucking world's dumbest to fucking revisit.

Remember that show that was untrue?

Yeah, it was untrue.

That's what that feels like.

World's dumbest texts.

Yo, bro.

Check this out, bro.

Oh, bro.

That's savage, bro.

What are you talking about?

You, me and troy just fucking passed these things around all fucking day to each other i know i know but i saw you in the barrel

it just felt so natural i pick up my phone i got 38 texts from troy pass a video oh i saw this video it's almost an i by comics type video it's this uh mexican cartel and they've captured one of their enemies right and the enemy's nickname is ghost rider so they're basically like oh you like ghost rider so much and they put alcohol, rubbing alcohol over his head and light it up.

You basically see his face melt off and he's screaming, and then he stops screaming, and you're like, okay, good, he's dead.

But then he sits back up again.

And like, now he's got those big bug eyes and shit, and his entire head is in flames.

I got to say, he does kind of look like Ghost Rider a little bit.

I mean, that part's true.

But I was like,

I just saw it.

It just popped up.

But how could you keep watching?

Popped up where?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dark web.

yeah

how could you watch that man i don't i didn't know what you yeah i don't know i think i'm pretty desensitized to that kind of shit i saw like even worse than that i've been watching uh

or i saw parts of the the protests in nigeria oh boy you think the cops here assholes

you've never seen it's just carnage It's like carnage, because I guess they have to pay off the cops.

The cops are like, you pay us for safety and protection.

And this is everybody.

This isn't just like store owners and the shit that these guys are doing to these people.

Like,

that's a true fucked-up society with the cops.

You know?

Deb, have you ever mentioned me to Scott Gomas?

I have.

Yeah.

I have.

He knows you do a podcast with me.

He does.

Has he listened to Tom, Steve Dave?

I don't think he's listened to it yet.

Now, would you want to be on a group text with these guys?

Because sometimes you're going to get a video.

I have to pretend that I'm fucking like, oh, man, he fucking slayed that old asshole.

Bro, no way.

Oh, bro.

Fucking.

Bro.

Oh, man.

Let me put my beer down.

I'm spilling my beer.

I'm laughing so hard.

Hold my beer.

He's just a regular dude.

Yeah, he definitely is.

He's actually too regular.

He's hysterical.

You want to be more like godlike?

Yeah, like, I just would think that he would, yeah, I just would not think that he would

waste time

finding videos like that and sending them to people.

Yeah, that blows my mind.

It blows my mind.

You're right.

I mean, the amount of time you and Troy spend sending each other videos.

We're always like, bro,

dude.

Yeah, I don't know.

I didn't disappoint you.

Yeah, so how weird would it be if all of a sudden I just popped up on a

three-way?

No, I think the thing to do is like, maybe I get them on, to call on to the show.

Yeah.

And introduce you guys.

And then

you could afford, maybe you could have a side text where you just talk stats.

Well, I wouldn't, yeah, I wouldn't go stats right away.

I would bide my time before I got stalker-like in terms of trying to find out all the dirt and all the things that never get out.

You might have to accept some salmon in order to get the dirty details.

I would pretend that

I was into salmon.

Oh, I saw a parasite on him.

Sorry, Scotty.

Oh, wow.

I'll see if I, you know, if he wants to come on.

Maybe he could, maybe you guys could discuss other things.

Maybe, maybe he's disappointed in the moment.

Do you think maybe he's just playing dumb because he thinks that's what you, what you like, he, that

he,

I don't like that.

I don't mean dumb.

I know you're looking at this buffoon hill and like everyday man.

No, I think he's I think he's an authentic dude.

You think he's

an average?

He's a dude, man.

He's he's just he's, you know.

I like guys like that.

I like guys that are just like

regular guy.

Commonly referred to as dude bros.

I'm always like, I don't know, I kind of like him.

But do you want guys that you admire and respect to be everyday bros, or do you want them to be a little bit more

special?

I like variety, and I'll tell you why.

Because

we're forming a nice little friendship with Mariano Rivera, and he is.

Really?

Yeah, we had him on dinner party.

Can you fill me in?

He's a legend, Yankee closer.

Got to be at least five-time world champion.

Oh,

he's no, no, he's six.

Six?

Oh, he's like Tom Brady.

He, um, no, I might have that wrong.

Tom Brady's got six rings.

But he's the only, yeah, he's, but he's like, I don't got that wrong.

You take that to the bank.

He's soon to be seven, it looks like.

He's playing that good.

I don't know if I told you he won on my birthday.

I really won on my birthday, though.

We pretended it wasn't my birthday.

It was seven days early.

So he is, so Mariano is like,

he's definitely.

There's no videos going back, which is an angelic person, I heard.

Yes.

Very much so.

He's not going to be sending you videos like that.

Absolutely not.

What about Ghost Rider?

Nothing like that.

Could you send a Ghost Rider video to Gomez?

To Gomez?

Oh, to Gomez.

I wouldn't send it to Gomez.

I wouldn't send it to anybody.

It's hard.

It might be like because that is a Mexican cartel, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, you want to send that to a Gomez.

I don't want to send that.

That could be taking all sorts of things.

Oh, yeah, his father's Mexican, right?

Yeah, that could be true.

He might think, like, yeah, you're pointing it out.

Being like, what's wrong with you people or something?

Nah, we do.

You know, he calls me dickhead sometimes.

I'll call him.

He called you dickhead.

Yeah, he'd be like, what's up, dickhead?

And I'll be like, you know, what's up, DJ?

I'm a Dickhead now.

He calls you dickhead.

Yeah, first, how, how soon into the relationship?

Almost immediately.

Who's this, dickhead?

Oh, oh, yeah.

All right.

It's just the way I call him.

What do you call him?

What's your Mr.

Gomez?

No, I mean, I call him a douche and stuff like that.

Like, we're just the way guys.

How long have you been known me?

24 years, 25 years.

And it's been in that 24 years, we've probably been texting just recently, maybe like four years.

Took a while.

I've never called you dickhead, even like in a way of like in that buddy way.

You know, like we don't have that kind of like, why don't we?

Because you're more like Mariano than you are.

You know that's not true.

But does it seem sort of like almost passive-aggressive in a way?

Like a

weird like

macho thing.

Like I'm going to show them a little bit more manly than you.

I'll put you in your feminine place.

That's what.

I mean, I'm FDNY.

I don't think he's thinking that I'm fucking feminine.

Used to be.

Former.

Whatever.

I got the medals.

No.

He didn't like that joke.

I don't mind being fucking made fun of at all.

Like, I prefer it.

Like, I like it.

I've always said, like, if your friends aren't calling you an asshole or something, they don't like you.

I don't think I've ever said that, though.

I don't think I've ever, like, even fucking around, like, we got into like some back and forth where it was, like, we were joking back and forth, where I said, Oh, come on, you dickhead, or come on, douchebag.

I can't stand you.

No, no, you haven't.

You bust my chops a lot.

You just don't use that verbiage.

I don't even know.

I mean, we could roll the tape on ten years to tell him secrets.

I was talking about off-like, though.

Um, this is all this is all real shit.

This is like

that relationship with everybody.

Like, I don't talk to s really like Murray.

I wouldn't be like,

Sal, and those guys don't, you don't have that kind of playful Joe.

Joe, no, no, I'm very close to them, and I could say anything, but I don't, I don't, I don't think I've ever sent like called Gatto a dickhead or anything like that.

Where's Sal?

I've been like, is he already ready?

He's supposed to be on the phone with me.

Oh, that's cool.

Yeah, I'll be like, what's up, Dickhead?

People seem to take issue with me not introducing Steve Byrne last week, so I want to make sure that everyone knows that this is rightfully so.

I'd say so.

I listen back, I'm like, what the fuck's the matter matter with you?

I was so excited to talk to him.

I'm like,

hi, Steve.

Like, anyone knows who the fuck it is.

Is this Steve Allen?

Yeah.

No?

Okay.

All right.

Oh, I need your earbuds, too, right?

Yeah.

These are my new soft earbuds.

Yep.

These are soft.

Hello.

Hi.

Joe Gatto.

Joey.

Hey, what's going on, guys?

Long time, no talk.

I know, I know.

I really miss you, buddy.

We should really try to work together on some projects.

Yeah.

Hey, Joey,

if I started like affectionately, there was nothing behind it, like there was no anger behind it, and I would like refer to you like affectionately as dickhead, right?

Like, we don't do that that all.

Like, we don't have that relationship where we're like, what's up, douchebag?

What's up, dickhead, right?

No, no, you have the relationship with people.

I don't have it with anybody, but I've seen you have that relationship with the firehouse guys and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, that's it, exactly, right?

So, so the macho guys get that.

No, not the macho guys, because it's just it's just certain people, it's no less of a lane of a friendship than anything else.

No, no, I mean, for a while, I had a term of affection for my wife, Bessie, which is my girlfriend, I used to call a fats.

Yeah,

right.

I think that's similar.

I think that's in it.

I think that's in the vein, yeah.

Yeah, because you don't want to get called dickhead or fats, I don't think.

Especially not in the same sentence.

Walt doesn't like that me and a hockey player are affectionately ribbing each other.

He doesn't get it.

Oh, I get it.

Oh, then what's the point?

I just don't understand why we never went that way.

We never took our relationship to that level.

We can if you want, but I don't think it's better or worse.

It would be forced and definitely be not be, it wouldn't feel natural, though.

No, you were just doing it because I complained about it.

But remember how I used to come to the store?

I used to see, I used to give you a big hug.

Yeah.

And you, would you tell me?

Pre-pandemic.

You said, I don't really like it.

Please stop doing that.

True, pre-pandemic.

Like five years pre-pandemic.

You were like, I don't really like it.

I don't like it.

Please stop doing that.

And I stopped.

We just don't have the relationship where you like getting hugged.

Well, no, Walt's just a visionary.

He knew what was coming.

That's why he made you stop five years ago.

Whereas I see Gatta, we hug all the time.

Even during the pandemic.

Well, I don't see him much when they have, but I would hug him if I saw him.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so that's what I'm saying.

It doesn't mean I love you any less.

I know, I know it doesn't, but it just, it doesn't take the sting,

doesn't make the sting less hurtful, though, that like, you got what I've always dreamed of, like, you were able to parlay your fame and celebrity into becoming friends with a fucking two-time Stanley Cup champion, which is something I always dreamed of.

But let's see, because you're not.

And it's probably never going to happen.

I mean, look at the, look how old I am now.

53.

God, tomorrow.

Really, we're not here to talk about how old Walt is and how nobody wants to be his friend.

Was this a cry for help?

Like, what's going on, guys?

This is an intervention, Joe.

We need you to help out.

Do I have to start calling Walt asshole?

Like, I don't know how much you want to talk about.

It wouldn't hurt.

We're here to talk about the dog father, my love of dogs, desserts, and

growing up Italian by Joe Gatto.

Oh, we're still talking about that thing?

Yeah, we're going to

talk about it.

That's great.

Yeah.

I wrote a book during the pandemic because I was shut down and had nothing to do, and I was locked at home with these dogs.

And I was like, I'm spending too much money on feeding them.

I better make them turn a dollar.

That's what I do with Benjamin.

Hence the cat, the catober.

The catober festival.

Yeah, that poor cat's been fucking flogged and put on the stroll for eight years now.

So, yeah, so you're sitting around and you're like, you know what, I'm just going to write a book about my dogs.

That's unusual.

You're in a position where you can do that.

Like, I think if I'm like, I'm going to write a book about my cats, people will be like, who gives a fuck?

but there's such like in the book when you read it there is such a love i'm not sure which you love more the desserts or the dogs because it seems pretty equal start down the middle yeah it's that it's a dead tie for sure i think so

yeah i think uh i the whole project actually was just came out of bullshit with my cousin polano you guys know my polano and we were uh we were talking and i was i was talking about a program that we use for uh to design stuff uh adobe in design and he's like yeah that's for books really and i was like oh i said i never really did that he's like you should do a book And I was like, what did I do a book on?

He's like, well, you like taking pictures.

He's like, you have all these pictures of your dogs and they have funny stories with them.

Why don't you just do that?

And I was like, oh, okay, it's actually a pretty good idea.

So he came over and we just like set up.

The fun part for me was like the photo shoot in my house.

Like that was a really fun day because he came over and we had another friend come over to help us and Bessie was here and the kids and it was just like a really fun day doing each like little setup with the dogs.

And

they did so much better than I thought until it came time for the cover.

So in the cover, they're all seated at the table.

And I was like, you know what?

I really want to have to try to Photoshop this.

Let me just try to, they listen to me.

Let me just make them all sit at this dining room table in chairs and just put a bunch of food on the table.

And as you can imagine, it didn't work out well.

So I had to end up Photoshop.

And it took me like three days to get that picture right.

Oh, wow.

I didn't know that.

It was funny about it, too.

It's just like, I didn't know about the book until it was published and out.

Like, yeah, you were never like, oh, I'm writing a book.

You were just like, oh, I have a book.

And I was like, oh, whoa, what?

It was, and then it was it was you gave me a copy right there.

It's awesome.

I was really happy for you.

Yeah.

Well yeah, you you were you were really that was that was cool to to do that.

It was fun.

It was uh it w it was fun to do and like i it actually came out better than I thought it was.

I didn't know how wide I was gonna like try to like get behind you to push it.

And but then as I started doing it, I actually was like, oh, this is kind of fun and and it came like it started to come better.

I had more to say than I thought in the beginning about it.

I thought it was just gonna be more pictures than anything else.

And it actually, you know, bulked up to like a fifty-five page book where I thought it was just gonna be like, you know, twenty pages of pictures and a couple of blurbs.

I like that it's mostly about the dogs and you like, you put your kids in there once in a while.

You got it.

You got it.

I mean, because, you know, I have a reputation that, you know, I can't have Milana grow up older and then realize how much I've done without her.

Do you make desserts?

Like, are you a dessert-making guy?

Or do you just like to buy them?

That's hard to do.

I like to buy them.

I have an inn at local bakeries.

And

there's only one dessert that I make that's in the book, and it's my grandma's icebox cake.

And I actually put the recipe in the book because it's super simple.

It's just like everybody has a version of it, I think, in their family.

It's a graham cracker crust with like chocolate pudding, jello, and then cool whip.

Just like a layered, you know, pie thing.

And my grandma used to make it for birthdays for my, for her kids because they were so poor that they couldn't afford a real birthday cake, and it's super cheap to make.

And it just got passed down generation to generation.

So that's the only one I really make because you can't buy that anywhere, you know.

Yeah, my mother used to make that around Christmas, but I'll tell you what ingredients she did not use.

She actually only used these chocolate, these real thin chocolate cookies and Cool Whip.

That was it.

She didn't put anything else in.

Yeah, that was it.

She wasn't really known for her baking.

That's not baking, that's stacking.

Yeah, that's true.

That's assembling.

She's great with Legos and desserts.

Walt, I noticed in the book that he said,

I can't remember which which dog it was, but he had

an agent, like a dog agent to get him some work.

Cannoli.

Cannoli actually had a doggy modeling agency for a while.

Now,

you've often said that your dogs should be models.

I have a French bulldog.

Oh, I really, really think, though, that he could have been the it dog.

You know, like the it dog of the, of the, of the, you know, how like that you get internet fame and do all that stuff.

But then I told my wife, I was like, you know what?

Look how happy he is, you know, not having to do all that stuff, though.

Do I really want to change his life and put him into the limelight like that?

Or

should we just let him be a dog and let him be, you know, just

bathe in our affection and our love without.

Not that saying that you did that, but I'm.

You know, he just didn't want to exploit his dog like you have, obviously.

No, I straight up made cannoli pay for it.

This is a true story.

This is a true story.

I got cannoli.

It's the only dog I bought, right?

So I buy cannoli, me and Bessie.

She's like, I love this puppy.

All right, great.

We'll buy this dog.

I pay, I think I paid $1,600 for her, okay, at a puppy store.

I get her home, and all of a sudden, there's this thing called a reverse sneeze.

You might know what it is, Walt.

I don't know if you know it, but they start,

like, it looks like they're gasping for breath.

And it's all these weird small puppy male dogs do it.

They, they, because their...

Lungs don't develop correctly and they can't really sneeze and it looks like they're choking.

I thought she was going to die right there.

So we we take them to the vet.

The vet does a scan.

She's like, Yeah, this dog has the lungs of a 10-year-old, Cannoli.

She was, she was like, She was like four months old, maybe.

So, I was like, Okay, that's not good, right?

So, we ended up having to do $4,000 worth of surgery on her in the first year that I had her.

So, I'm in the whole 56-hunch, right?

So, I'm like, all right, I said to Bessie, I said, This dog's got to make me money before it dies.

Look what we do, it's really cute.

And at the same time, in Jokers, we did this animal thing, and we had an agent there.

And so I introduced Bessie in the agent, and that's how it got hooked up.

And all of a sudden, Canoli was like, she was in this Hannah Anderson, which is a kids' clothing line commercial, and she was in a Target ad.

And then it just got too much for Bessie, where she was like, all right, she made up for the money.

I'm not going to these auditions.

The chapter for me, though, that I'm not fucking around.

I'm not just saying this.

It brought tears to my eyes was the Zepoli.

Zeppoli?

I don't know how to pronounce some of these.

These are very exotic names.

If Italian Italian is considered exotic, yeah.

Yeah, but that story was

that really just made my eyes well up because

it's such an awesome story.

Zeps was like super, super cool that he just like he turned the corner and she became like best friends.

My daughter became best friends with Zeppoly, and I really believe that's the dog that made my daughter a...

a dog person.

Like I saw it just happened and they were like besties and she would like, you know, pet him and want to kiss him goodnight.

And then she was like three years old, like two years old, two and a half, I guess, and three years old when we had them.

So it was like so funny to see this little kid actually recognize that she's a part of a pack because there's like four dogs running around.

She never even looked at one of them at that point.

You know.

Yeah, you got three sweet pictures of these two hanging out in here.

And

we made some coin off Mishkeen, too.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I put them to work.

Yeah.

We got a lot of work.

It was a big part of our stage show.

Yeah.

Our stage show.

That's right.

We did a whole segment segment on that train wreck.

I mean, this dog, there's a picture of the dog in the book, like

a 40-foot-high projected

in like arenas and stuff like that.

It's a hell of a story for that dog.

That's where he ended up.

It was sad when Mishkeen goes.

But you do this thing where

you adopt dogs on their last legs.

Yeah, I get them on the way out.

Yeah.

I got three now.

I got three now that are on their way out.

It's the first time we have more than one.

I used to have a, I'm up to eight.

I used to have five.

There'd be four healthy young ones, and then the fifth rotating spot.

First was Michigan, then Zeppelin, and then we filled it with pignoli.

And then, so now pignoli's still around, and then we caught wind of these two

panicata, panna and cotta.

Put them together, it's panicata, the two sisters.

So I have,

I basically have this in my upstairs bathroom, has basically turned into a senior center.

We call them the golden girls,

and they just roam around.

They like own the house up there, the three of them.

So

I'm just waiting for one of them to get a move on so I could get my numbers down.

I got to be honest, I think this is, you have punched your ticket, though, to heaven, though, for what you're doing.

I think this is a, this is, I'm not fucking around when Q told me

that you do that for dogs.

I mean, there's got to be like you are going, you're going to be blessed when it's when your time is up for what you're doing, though.

It's amazing.

I'm not kidding.

It's so impressive and it's so like it took my breath away because

I don't, I mean, it's truly amazing that, you know, what you're doing for dogs,

you know, who are who nobody probably would be able to emotionally or, you know, to do that though.

And so it's really

an amazing thing you're doing.

Well, that means a lot, man.

Thanks, asshole.

I appreciate it.

What is it like to live with eight dogs?

I have two, and I've tried to convince the family that, like, let's just get one more, and they maintain it would be an insane asylum to bring one more dog in.

How do you do it with eight dogs?

I mean, I would love to because I feel that, you know, the more the merrier, and it would just be.

Yeah.

It would make the house even more filled with love and all the.

Yeah, well, it hits like, it's, it's, it really is like it hits a fever pitch but they it's like a pack mentality like my biscuit is like like my mama bear she's the second dog was our first rescue she's my favorite all the dogs know it but she's like the she's like the pack leader so like wherever she goes they go so you're not the pack leader

oh i definitely am but like if i'm not here she's in charge

but it's like if i'm like you know if i get her to do something i'm like right outside and she starts walking they all follow go to the room because i have like a little i converted like a i had a pantry in the house and when i moved in, I don't really need that much room.

I converted into a dog room so I could put them all in there.

Like if we have somebody coming to the house doing work or, you know, when the landscape is coming, they're not running all over and stuff.

So it's like a nice room for them to go.

So I'll say room and they'll all go in the room and stuff like that.

So the more you get, like, they just fall in line.

As soon as Napoleon came home, he's my puppy now.

I only have him maybe, like,

I probably have him about 10 months or whatever.

In like four months, he was right in.

Like three, four months, he was like right in with everybody.

No house train, all the stuff.

So,

did you grow up with dogs?

I had one dog for 16 years, actually.

We had this one little mud named Midnight that my dad used to open the door in the morning, let it out, and then it would come home for dinner.

Like, my yard wasn't gated, like my house, like they saw a road.

You remember, too.

I had like a whole bunch of hedges, like the dog got out, all times didn't matter.

It used to walk the streets, it would come home.

And at one time, my dad was coming home from work, and I said, Where are you going?

He we saw him, and he took, we had these big

landscaping, like chunks of rock and stuff around the house.

And I see my dad.

He was a big dude.

He picked up a rock and he was walking down the street.

I said, what are you doing?

He's like, oh, midnight sleeping in a pothole on Harbor Road.

I got to put this rock in it because you're going to get killed.

My dog was napping, spending the day in a pothole on a thoroughfare on an island.

And he just dumped this big rock in it and said,

Oh, man, that was the 80s for dogs as well as children because that's how my parents did it, too.

They're like, they'd open the door and they'd be like, go out, come out tonight before the lights go out and the street lights.

Yeah.

It's exactly right.

I have my own sweet dog story.

It might bring tears to your eyes, Walt.

Well, all right, let's see.

When I was young, about 10 years old, I was really, really close to my grandmother.

In fact,

I would go so far as to say before Sage came around,

this is the only female that I'm like, this person loves me.

No guys up to that point, but just females.

So when I was 10, like nine into 10, she got cancer.

Nobody explained that to me.

Like, I didn't know what was going on.

And

she died.

So she had this dog named Chloe.

And this is what I had not thought of this in the longest time until I was reading your book.

And then I was like, oh, Chloe looks like these dogs,

like all white and puffy and shit.

So my aunt took Chloe, the dog, and

within a week or something, they found the dog

at the river's edge, drowned.

I guess, you know, because they lived very, like, literally half a block away from

the river.

So when my mother told me, which she, I don't know if she had to tell me,

she wanted to.

I think she may have wanted to.

Her explanation for why Chloe was dead was because she probably missed my grandmother and drowned herself on purpose.

Oh, my God.

And And I didn't think about it until the other day.

Like I said, when I was reading your book, and it's just like, well, I missed my grandmother was the suggestion that I should drown myself.

She's like making that suggestion that she's baking a pie and just layering chocolate cookies and whipped cream.

And like, maybe you should go play by the river.

Tide's going out.

Richard Flippers.

I thought back, I told Mary Beth, and she was like, is it any wonder you are the way you are?

Mystery solved for sure.

So, so does this know that someone goes to charity, right, Joey?

Yeah, I'm doing it.

I'm doing it, I did an autographed hardcover drive that I'm doing for charity.

You got a hardcover of this, too?

Yeah, limited edition.

I only did a print run of it for it because it's on Amazon for the paperback, but they don't do hardcover.

So, I was like, oh, I'll put together a charity drive to help support a bunch of the shelters that I do.

So, the five that I outline in the book will get the proceeds from it.

And, yes, that hardcover of charity drive is what I'm doing now.

Do you think you'll do a follow-up now?

No, I do think I don't know if I'll do another dog book unless I get another significant number of dogs, but these two aren't in it yet, Panna and Kata, so they've started me off.

What's your max number?

If you had to be like the idea to cap on it,

I can't do any more old ones.

I think the old ones are capped out at three.

And I can't do any more puppies because it's just a lot.

They They get like

chewy and stuff and you know, they're vice versa.

So if I could find a nice three-year-old, four-year-old, I might go.

I might go to, I might go to 10, but I don't think I will.

I think I'm good at eight.

How did you convince the misses that like you were like, we're just going to have eight dogs?

Oh, you got it.

You got it all wrong, bud.

You got to miss the Elliot that.

You got to flip and reverse it.

I will say the only dog, Q was there.

You were there, was in Vegas.

The only dog that I really brought home was Spimone.

We were doing a, me and Q were doing an interview at the iHeartMedia Festival in Vegas.

And there's this company which has a genius marketing scheme.

It's called Love Pup.

And they invite celebrities to come and take pictures with these adoptable puppies.

And they all post it on their Instagram and say, hey, if you're interested in this dog, get it.

And people see these pictures and

their adoption rate is through the roof.

It's really a smart thing.

So we're doing the interview and Spimone came over and fell asleep on my lap while I was doing it.

And I was like, oh, I'm going to take this dog.

And the guy was like, oh, that's not how it works.

And I said, the Q said to the guy, he goes, no, that's how it works if you're joking.

He didn't see what I saw, which is that dog was going home with you.

Yeah, for sure.

For sure.

Yeah.

That's the only one I could say.

Well, and Napoleon, I could really, we talked about Napoleon, but Spimoni is the only one that was like me.

I was like, I'm getting this dog and I'm coming home with it.

And we just had had our son.

They're the same age.

They're both.

Remo was five months old.

And Spimone, when I got her, was five months old.

And I walked in to the hotel room because we were meeting them in Vegas.

There's my son.

Like, she had just traveled with both kids to Los Angeles from New York to meet me for the weekend because we were filming in L.A.

And I walk in with Spimone, this puppy, and I'm like, look what I got.

And the rage that was on her face is unbelievable.

She started it.

Bessie started it.

She started it.

That's right.

I can't, you know, she can't walk away from that.

She definitely started it.

So, Walt, could you just get a dog and ask for forgiveness rather than permission?

Or have you blown it already?

If I did that,

I could definitely swing that.

I could make that work, but it would be probably a good month of

hell, though, of like, well, you know, she would be mad, but she would never be like, we could, you know, not keep it.

But she would be, you know, pretty upset, though, if I could keep it.

She wouldn't be mad at the dog.

She wouldn't marry about you.

She would be mad at me.

She was making that decision and putting three dogs into her life.

How big are the other dogs?

How big are they?

I got a Boston and I got a French Bulldog.

So they're both basically the same size.

Very small dogs.

But

just adding a third one, I think, would just make the house a loony bin.

But I would love it, though.

I love the loony bin aspect of it, but not everybody else does.

Sure.

So where can you get your book, Joe?

Is it imagine Amazon?

Yeah, these places just to go to gattopups.com.

It has has the links to everything.

It has the link to the charity book.

It has the link to the Amazon one.

And if you search Joe Gatto on Joe Gatto book on Amazon, you get like 9,000 results of like everything from Impractical Jokers Mad Libs.

I'm not the easiest to search.

So I just set up gattopups.com, and that's the easiest way to get it.

That's the easiest way to get it.

And what was the name of the charity that you would most like to see people send money to here?

What was it?

What was the name of the

out of all of them?

I like Love Pup, but I mean out of all of them, I think the one that needs the most help is the New York Animal Control, Animal Care Centers and NYC ACC.

They're in the book too.

It's where I got two of my dogs, Tartufo, and because they're the ones that have to kill dogs if nobody comes to get them.

So the more support they get, the better, the more lives you could save.

The rest of them are all no kill.

So I always drive people to help you.

Every city has a, you know, I know you have listeners from all over.

And every city has an animal care center or a control center, and that's always where I direct people to.

So they could literally save dogs' lives if they can with some money.

Does it seem like Joe's positioning himself to be the new Bob Barker?

Yeah,

I like the idea.

I always love the skinny microphone, I'll tell you.

What do you think, Walt?

Any more questions?

Any more dog questions?

Any more dog questions?

I want to get a dog when I get a new house.

I want to get a dog.

I was thinking about a bloodhound.

Really?

Yeah, because I'm like, if they needed help solving crimes and they called me, how fucking awesome would that be?

It's not easy.

So you got to think, I mean, you're getting up.

What's that?

You're getting up there.

You're getting up there.

You should get a border collie in case you fall down a well or something.

Save me, boy.

Do I feel that well again?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

It's the third time this week.

This guy in the well, Jesus.

Somebody put a rock in it so he can't fall in.

That's exactly right.

Oh, boy.

All right, buddy.

Well, thank you so much for coming.

Hey, it was great talking to you guys.

Thanks so much for having me as always.

You guys are the best.

I'll talk to you in 12 hours, buddy.

Sounds good.

And I'll talk to you later, Brian, and Essel.

Give me a call when I'm PC.

Hey, Layer, douchebag.

All right, fine.

Love you, bud.

That's great.

Yeah.

Douchebag.

It would be so unnatural at this age to start that up, don't you think?

Like, I've never, like like you say, with the

fire department, it's a camaraderie.

It's a brotherhood.

Oh, talking that way?

Yeah, like, I don't, I've never really had that except for like back in high school, like playing on a like a sports team, but it wasn't really like that.

No, yeah, you have to have that personality, you have to have that special relationship that,

you know, Q has been lucky enough to find

this late in life.

Yeah, it doesn't happen that often.

It is.

I mean, I went to an all-boys high school, and then I never really worked with women until practical jokers.

It's like I've always kind of just been dude bro in my entire life.

You know what I mean?

So it's just my language.

It's what I like.

Do you think if I came across as too much of a fan, it would just turn him off?

Well, imagine this.

You're texting with him.

All he wants to talk about is comic book men.

That would be okay because it's him, though.

I would tell him all the dirt, all the stuff that we're not even revealing on behind the

counter.

We reveal a lot.

Some of the stuff that I kept back from even that, I would even reveal to Scotty Gomez.

But then, you know, then it's my turn then.

You know, if I tell him all the

dirty,

tawdry stories on the set of Comic Book Men, and I want to hear what happened in the locker room, what happened on the road, what happened when...

Is he a married guy?

No, no, I don't.

You know what?

I don't even want to.

No, I'm not talking about that.

I know your mind automatically went to that.

I'm just talking about

stuff that we're not privy to as fans.

I don't care about

the wild crazy nights.

I want to hear about

the jokes that Dano told.

He does this thing.

You'll probably like it.

Follow his Instagram, dude.

He does these, like, look at him.

He's awesome.

He does these like stories where he tells stories about his his career and like about other players and stuff like that.

He fucking dude, he literally looks like Gomez from fucking the Adams family.

Yeah, he does.

He dresses up.

He slicks his hair over.

He puts on the smoking jacket.

Is that what he's going for?

Trying to be Gomez from him.

I don't know if he's trying to be Gomez.

But that's the look.

He's going for a look and he's nailing it.

I could be his Morticia.

Yeah.

Mark Inem's dress.

Yeah, his Instagram is Scotty C.

Gomez.

You should go.

You can play it cool.

Tell him.

I can play.

I can be

even-keeled and I can tell the bro jokes.

Look, see, he even takes, look at that.

Can you?

He takes polls.

He's like, who do you want to hear a story about?

Oh, this is the shit I'm talking about.

Yeah.

He'll tell a story about Bobby Holek or Claude Lemieux.

Yeah.

I'm telling you, it's such an entertaining Instagram, man.

You should go on it, like, watch his show.

It's called Scotty's House.

You know, I want what you want.

I mean, I want what you got, though.

I want the personal story, not like the story that he's telling fucking

3,000 people on Instagram.

But the personal story he tells me is about a guy whose dad fired a stripper's father.

He's only because he knows

no frame of reference for the other story.

That's not true.

You won't know.

If he tells you a Bobby Ho Leak story, you're going to be like sitting on the edge of your seat.

Yeah.

He's a friend, bro.

I like hearing that shit.

Look, there is him fishing in Alaska.

Look at him.

I know.

Come on, man.

If there was one devil, I swear to God, I'm not going to get my son's out now.

All the years I was following him, if there was one devil I was like, that I dreamed of becoming friends with,

it was Scott Gomez.

I didn't tell you that before, but it did.

Wow.

What about him?

Because I saw him on the interviews.

He's funny.

With Stan Fischler.

Yeah.

You could tell him this, that I saw him on the videos with Stan Fischler and I was like, that dude has a sense of humor.

Yeah.

Because he would pretend to hate Stan and stuff like that.

No, he would just be, like, he would just say shit that made no sense at times.

He would say, like, he would look at him funny.

He would be like, he would just be

never condescending or mean, but I could just tell he was having fun.

This dude has fun, and this guy has a sense of humor.

And I always thought it would be me, and it turned out to be you.

But you could have.

That's a problem.

It was like very early on in comic book, man, when we played with those guys, you could have easily like

Freddy Krueger wanted his number to text with him.

I was like, nah.

Those guys were there for their paycheck that afternoon.

We went up to see the devils.

They didn't.

There's no part of them that wanted to like.

But you got to convert there.

I don't know about us.

I know.

Yeah.

I know that

I got to meet people halfway, but I'm not a halfway meter.

No half measures for Wolf of the United States.

I'm not built like that.

I need someone to come all the way

and then win me and woo me.

Nothing wrong with that.

Yeah, and then and then, but not Scotty Gomez, though.

No.

No, I would.

Yeah, I'd make an exception.

First date.

He's a tough

I'll see what I can do.

All right.

All right.

But I don't want it to be weird, though.

Don't tell him I said this shit.

Okay.

Well, he may start listening.

I mean, like,

I mean, I don't know.

There's this, like,

like I said, it's true.

Like, I always thought that, like, that would be my dream

bromance.

Yeah, really.

It really was.

Like, yeah, I'd watch him and I'd watch the interviews and I'd be like, we could be friends.

I know we could if our dream world starts.

But now seeing this,

if it makes you feel better, I could tell you, it's fucking sweet.

It's so sweet.

Tell him, Steve Davis.

You fucking douche.

You're a real douchebag.

Oh, boy.