#449: Dr. Qlittle

What is yes or no?

Yes or no?

It's a very simple question.

Oh my god.

It fucking smells like a dumpster.

Well, hold on.

Hold on.

Not enough people are feeling sorry for me lately.

All this COVID shit's distracting them.

Yeah, hundreds of thousands of people have died.

I won't have an AC for an hour.

Tell him Steve Dave.

Hello and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave.

I'm at the poker table with Walt and Q.

Hello.

And it's been a little while since we recorded a little bit too long.

Start to get that itch.

Yeah.

Gotta scratch it.

Yeah, that's why I came down this week.

I figured it went well last time with the mask, and I figured I want to see you guys, hang out a little bit.

Here we are.

We got some stuff to cover.

We do?

Oh, that sounds scary.

Walt, you're wearing a mask this time.

I didn't see that last time.

What's

did I forget to wear a mask last time?

You weren't really keeping it as close to the eyeballs as

I think I was at the other end of the table.

Yeah.

So I thought that was six feet, but now I'm a little bit closer, so I'm wearing a mask.

Oh, okay.

You're doing it if you're a master.

If you're wearing a mask, no, he's doing it because he thinks I got it.

You think I got it because I'm not wearing a mask.

No, not at all.

No.

I don't go fucking anywhere to get it.

Yeah.

It's tough leaving the house, isn't it?

Well, everything is now delivered.

Yeah.

The food is delivered.

Grocery store stuff is delivered.

Target is delivered.

There's just, there's no reason to leave anymore.

I feel like a little bitch, but like leaving my house, I got anxious.

Like driving down here, I had like anxious.

It's just like weird, it's just a weird feeling being in the world.

Again,

I just don't trust anybody.

Well, that's the thing.

Yeah, you look at other people and it's the same way they're looking at you, which is like, you got it.

You got it.

Yeah, but Red Bank seems to be a party.

What the fuck?

Yeah, I mean,

we in New Jersey have we've crushed our curve, or whatever it's called, flattened the curve.

Yeah.

We didn't crush it, I guess, not yet, but we're on our way to crushing it, I hope.

And this is what can happen when you...

You know, you follow the rules and you adhere to what science tells you, and then you get to go out in the summertime.

I think in the fall, though, it's probably going to be a different story.

Red Bank's fucked.

Yeah, the streets are filled.

Yeah, I'm sure that come

colder weather, I imagine that it won't be this busy.

Yeah, in Red Bank, they've started on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday blocking off like, what, three blocks with restaurants, and they put out tables and umbrellas and shit.

It's like a block party.

A little bit of a block party.

Except what's fucked up is like the last time we were here, it rained.

So it's like in the middle of dinner, it might just be a downpour all of a sudden.

Well, even worse than that, all the tables got flipped over from the winds and guss.

All your food and shit all over the ground.

Insult to injury to the restaurant industry here in Red Bank, New Jersey.

It's nothing but tables of women.

There's not a sausage out there.

And they're all gussied up, too.

They're all gussied up.

They can't wait to gussy up.

Yeah, you find that you don't really get dressed that much.

Like dress-dressed, you know?

Around your house?

No way.

Not at all.

What's the point?

What am I doing?

No haircuts?

Like I'm doing my own beard.

It looks like shit.

Walt,

I want to hear about your vacation.

And I know you just recovered from all those bee stings.

We saw that headline.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I was going to text you, but I didn't know if you were getting stung by bees at the time.

Well, to be stung by a bee, I would have to have been on the beach because that's where the swarm was.

And I didn't even go to the beach on my vacation.

I didn't really step foot anywhere near the beach.

It was fucking like walking on the surface of the sun.

It was brutally hot out that weekend.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I saw that news article that the wild wood was swarmed by.

This is Cape May.

Oh, what did I say?

Oh, I meant Cape Maybe.

Yeah, Cape May.

A swarm of bees was all the buzz.

A queen bee and her worker bees, they went on somebody.

They went on like a beach towel or something.

I heard nobody got stung, though, which is one of the feel-good stories of the year, I thought.

Yeah, yeah.

One of the only feel-good stories of this year.

You know, Kate Mae gets swarmed by bees.

No one gets stung.

I mean, that's the headline.

That doesn't sell, though.

There's the bees.

No.

No,

you need some people going into

anaphylactic shock.

Yeah, that's what gets it.

In order for it to be a good headline.

Yeah, I can't believe, like,

I ventured onto the internet today, and I was like, let me just get an update on what's going on with the virus, because I'm like, I don't know anything.

These people, like, and I couldn't find

New York City, everything was about Ellen DeGeneres and her fucking show and everything.

Oh, yeah, Ellen.

And everything's about, and I'm just like,

how the fuck is this on the front page of anything?

Who gives a fuck?

I'm like,

what's going on in New York City with fucking, with, with the deteriorating city and the fucking virus?

And I can't even find the fucking, like, like, it's buried, like, two paragraphs like down what did Ellen do though I didn't hear she's like the new Leona Helmsley she's mean to people that she works with I like I've heard she's an asshole for years like she's stern I heard not even an asshole but like oh I've

heard I don't I know someone that worked for her the stories I heard were crazy I saw you on the show you were dancing did I go on a show yeah oh I take that back Ellen's so nice no did we go on a show we didn't go on a show yeah I thought you didn't you look like you were

looking like you were tortured I think the joke was

that wasn't that show.

That was the Today Show or something.

It was one of those shows where you look tortured.

I mean, it's any time.

It could have been anything.

But it definitely was not Ellen.

Jimmy Kimmel, I really enjoyed it.

That was a good one.

But I,

yeah, I don't know.

I don't remember going on her show.

So, why are people upset that Ellen was mean?

Also, sexual harassment.

Really?

Not by her, by, I guess, some of her upper-level producers.

But even that, I'm like, what?

Can we talk about this later?

Like, I just don't get it.

Like, it just seems like the prior, it seems like everybody wants Corona to be over with,

but nobody wants to talk about it, but nobody wants to deal with it, is the way that is the impression that I'm getting from dealing with it anymore.

People are tired.

People are tired.

People are tired of the COVID shit.

They don't want to hear it.

They don't want to hear social distancing.

They don't want to hear new normal.

And by they, I mean me.

It's just enough of this shit.

Brad Garrett agrees.

He's calling out Ellen DeGeneres over alleged mistreatment.

He said it's been well known for some time.

Wow, she's 62?

Yeah, I got a budget.

That looks pretty good for 62.

That worked on that show.

She would just tell me stories where you're like, that can't be true.

And he's like, it's true.

Not Ellen.

Yeah.

No, just because people don't act this way.

Like, it's just, it's, if you were writing a movie about an evil villain boss

and you wrote some of these stories into it, you'd be be like, you got to take that out.

Nobody's going to believe that.

You're her PR person.

How do you advise her?

I say you're 62 years old and you're almost a billionaire.

Just fucking check out.

Yeah.

Cash in, check out.

What do you want to deal with this for?

You want to spend your late 60s rehabbing your fucking reputation?

Like reshaping your image and going on the fucking apology tour?

They can't stop, though, people like this.

You know, like Ellen could easily

cash in, check out whatever.

But they need that

attention, I guess.

Because at 62, why the fuck would you keep doing it?

It's like, when is enough enough?

It doesn't sound like she's enjoying it.

Yeah, Oprah keeps doing it, right?

Well, she's been off the air for years.

Yeah, she's got a new one.

She's doing something with her fingers.

She's a lot of fun.

She's like a media mogul.

She's got all kinds of businesses.

I'm talking about the hands-on every day doing a fucking show and dancing around and all that shit.

It does not sound like she enjoys it.

Can she come back from this?

Can she dance

and still be fucking grin ear to ear watching her dance?

I think so.

After all this ugliness?

I think she could, yeah.

With no penance?

No, she's got to do some sort of ball licking, but she's got to, which would be hard for her because she has a light bulb.

But yeah, she's got to get out there and like pretend to give a shit

and like pretend to cry and then you know, and then people will be like, okay, this never really affected my life to begin with.

So I guess I'll just watch her dance some more.

Yeah, most people, I think, who are fans of Ellen, you're going to get the ones that drop off because they're like, oh, I thought she was nice.

But most people, I think, are going to be like, that can't be true.

Yeah.

Look at her dance.

Is everybody, though, a little fake, though, in Hollywood, you think?

Even a little bit?

Is there anyone genuine?

Is it confession time?

Talking about him?

Oh, no, no.

There's some really nice.

When you said that, there are people that come to mind.

But do you think, though, that they're like, you know, they're 24-7?

or do they just show you BQ, their fucking best, shiny shit?

Well,

I wouldn't be saying that based on someone that I've met a couple of times.

It'd have to be someone that I know that I see how they interact with other people and stuff like that.

So I think there are legit good people out there.

But not Ellen, huh?

Apparently not, bud.

That's stunning.

Is it?

It is.

Yeah, man.

She really

still get faked.

We still get faked out.

Because I thought the same thing.

If somebody was like, do you think Ellen's nice?

I'd be like, I guess so.

I mean,

she seems cheerful.

But doesn't a woman to get to the top of her field have to be a little

bitchy?

I don't want to say bitchy.

Is that the right word?

That's correct.

She's got to be a little, she's got to be tough like a man.

Like Dolores Claiborne said, she's like, sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on to.

Sure.

Or no, do you think in this day and age you don't, a woman doesn't have to be like a man?

I will say this.

I don't know because what the hell do I know about their experience, but I will say this.

I've met plenty of women in high positions who are fucking nice.

Really nice.

You know what you get?

This is what I've learned.

This is what you get.

And I guess it's part of trying to fit into

the women that I bomb with, the women that I like in the industry, are the ones that, and the ones that everybody like, you're going to love it.

She's great.

Are the ones that like bro down a little bit.

And they do it on purpose and you see it.

Like everything's a a curse,

everything's like a curse.

They try and act a little broish.

Yeah.

They try to macho it up a little.

Yeah, that happens a lot.

And it works because I like them.

I'm like, oh, fucking cool.

She's dropping.

Are they being genuine though, and they're machoing it up and broing it up?

I don't know.

I don't know.

They seem like they are.

Yeah.

It's tough.

It's tough.

It's tough.

Men got it so fucking easy.

Yeah, we hate ourselves.

We're the worst.

Yeah, what are you going to do?

What did you do on your vacation if you weren't going swimming?

It was a very strange vacation in that I didn't have anything to do.

I would sleep while everybody went and did their things early on.

They'd get up and do early morning walks.

I would sleep.

Then they would get back and go to breakfast, and I would still sleep.

Then they would go to the beach and I would still sleep.

I'd wake up around 11:30, take a shower, get ready for lunch.

And then

it would be so hot that they would be like, well, we just want to go back to the room and lay down for a little bit.

And I was just like, well, fuck, I just did that for the last 17 hours.

Oh, my God.

So I was like, okay, all right, I get it.

It was really hot.

There really wasn't much to do, which was I knew going in that this would be one of those kind of

one of these kind of vacations that I wasn't going to have much to do.

I mean, the highlight was:

we were so bored one night that we looked up Weird New Jersey things in Wildwood.

Oh, yeah.

Not Wildwood.

Why do you keep saying Wildwood?

And there was this gigantic fish, like a fake fish that was on someone's property that made it into Weird New Jersey.

And I was like, well, let's hop in the car, go look at the fish.

We got the address, but it was dark, we couldn't find it.

And then it turned out that the fish had been destroyed in a storm years ago.

So we were looking for a fish that didn't exist.

Wow.

How many days?

Four days looking for that fucking fish.

Four days.

One.

How many hotel rooms you break this into?

What does that mean?

Like, how many did I trash?

No, no.

How many rooms do you get?

Do each of the girls get there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.

Yeah.

Three rooms.

Three rooms.

Smart.

Three rooms.

Yeah.

Because my mother-in-law went to.

Where'd she stay?

In her own home.

Oh, so the girls share their own rooms.

Yeah.

gotcha.

Okay, that makes sense, I guess.

Did she go to the beach, too?

She couldn't make it down to the beach.

She's a little bit older now, and the beaches in Wildwood are like, why do I keep going to Wildwood?

Did you go to Wildwood?

I went one night and it was in Wildwood.

Wildwood's crazy.

Oh, yeah.

Wildwoods,

it's even more like

party atmosphere than like in the 80s.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

There's some roughs.

Good times.

Some rough

patches in that.

And there are some people.

some there's some like uh thugs and i want to say no no i don't mean in a bad way i mean there's guys like there's a party atmosphere going on there okay so it's a good time

well in a way if you're if you're under like 50 yeah but if you're over 50 you're just like this is not oh we just missed the cutoff this is not for me

a little loud it's a little bit loud and there's fights oh really

we saw two fights happen right on the boardwalk oh um were they wearing masks No, nobody was wearing masks.

Nobody was wearing masks.

Nobody.

Human race.

No, were you guys, or did you guys say fuck it too?

Because I never wear masks out.

It was fucking hot out.

Yeah, right.

You can't.

It was so hard to wear a mask.

Even at a point, I was like, fuck it.

You know.

How many flights did you get into?

But the beaches are so far, like, to get to the water.

Oh, yeah.

It's like LA, where it's like a mile away.

Yeah, and she has COPD.

Is that what you call it?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so she can't really make it.

And so I had to push a I had to push her around in a wheelchair for the better part of the whole vacation.

How do my arms look?

I thought I would look like arms.

Pretty puff, man.

Yeah, I got a situation.

There were times where I was like, it was 99 degrees.

Pushing her through the sand in a wheelchair.

Oh, man, I'm going to, you owe me big time.

I would look at my wife and I was like, I'm going to pay, I'm going to fucking come back looking for a little payback for this.

That is rough.

It was, yeah, it was tough.

You got that comic book men money sitting around when you got an electric wheelchair.

I told my wife that.

I was like, can't we please just go rent one of these rascals?

Like a jazziest shit.

And she was like, I'll look into it.

And so, like, and I was like, every day before, like, as the

trip was on upon us, I was like, did you look into it?

Yeah, I looked into it today.

Yeah, yeah, there's none.

And I was like, you didn't even look.

I know you didn't look.

I don't need to do any investigation.

You just want me to push it.

You think I'm 30 still.

I'm not.

No, I didn't think that.

It is weird.

Like, why wouldn't you just do it?

I have no idea.

I think she was scared off by the fact that, like, you know, it was probably going to be more than you would think.

Yeah.

Still, though.

You're talking about in the blazing heat.

Like, you got to go up these ramps to get on to

these.

And it's boards, right?

So it's not easy.

Yeah, so

like I said, I mean, I look like Konya on the Wheel of Death.

Never in that bubble.

No shirt on.

Just hear that boom.

Yeah, I look back down here, too, and I'm just like, well, the fuck lunatics like this lobster roll.

Lobster roll?

Oh my God.

It fucking smells like a dumpster.

Well, hold on.

Hold on.

I don't know that I love Jersey Shore lobster roll.

But you go to a restaurant, they put together a nice fucking lobster roll.

Okay, so there was a Rita's Italian ice place right next door to a lobster roll place.

Yeah.

So all you're doing is your senses are assaulted by the lobster roll and you can't even enjoy the Italian ice.

You know, it was just like a wasted fucking and it's $7 for a fucking Italian ice.

Jesus.

Can't imagine what the lobster roll costs then.

You're looking at 20 bucks.

And it's fucking cold, right?

A lobster roll?

Usually you can't have cold ones, too.

I think I've had a warm one.

The first time you had a lobster roll?

In the last few years.

Three on the drive down here.

When we shoot in places that

have lobster rolls, I'll order one.

Yeah.

I used to.

My cholesterol now, I think, will preclude.

Oh, they're high in cholesterol?

They take the bun and they soak it in butter, and then they just grill it a little bit.

So, yeah.

Wait a minute.

I didn't see no bread in what I saw.

What do you think the roll is?

It looked like a frozen piece of like fish meat on a stick.

No, that's not a lobster roll.

Maybe what I saw wasn't a lobster roll.

No, definitely not.

It looked like a frozen piece of

shell meat.

Oh, no wonder why you think this doesn't look.

Well, you wouldn't like it anyway.

I love a lobster roll.

They take a hot dog bun or something like it.

They soak it in butter, not all the way through, but they soak it in butter and then they grill that.

And then they put the lobster meat on top of that, like a bed of lettuce and some sauce and stuff like that.

It's fucking great

if you're into lobster.

Yeah, how much does that go for?

A lobster roll?

Uh, usually, I think, man, I've been in those stupid fucking super fancy restaurants where a lobster roll is like 50 bucks, but normally they get them for like 20, 20.

I think Panera Bread has them seasonally, they're like $18

if you're into lobster rolls.

Lobster is high-end eaten, right?

It has that reputation, yeah.

Man, I've never seen a stand, though, that sold it.

That was one of the things that I took a photo of.

The fish meet an honor fish on the stick.

We stopped at an aquarium on the boardwalk in Wildwood.

And

I thought it was so fucked up is that you can buy live fish to feed to piranhas.

Really?

Yeah.

I thought it was so fucked up, I was just like, you know, like, and I saw like, you know, parents with their children running over and buying these goldfish so that their kids can drop them in the tank so they can watch the piranhas rip them to shreds.

Did you watch it?

I didn't want to watch that.

Yeah, I was just like, that's that's I don't know if I'm just getting older or, but

that's weird.

I don't want to watch fights.

No, I don't want to watch fights.

In case it spills over and I'm fucking, you know, and I'm

all tired of pushing my mother-in-law all the time.

I got a spaghetti army.

Oh, no.

I could barely lift them off

of my pockets.

They're so tired.

Why did you get that rascal?

Yeah, but I thought that was strange, though, that that's like something that was a hit at this fucking shitty ass aquarium you went to.

I mean, it was a low-rent aquarium.

It used to be like

you could buy

hermit crabs and shit down in Wildwood.

That was a big thing.

Oh, yeah, you could do that.

Like painted shells and stuff.

Like SpongeBob painted on the shell.

Every other stand, you could buy a hermit crab

cage that comes with a free hermit crab.

Right.

And the big thing,

I mean, they're still trying to blow out all the Fortnite shirts down in Wild.

Apparently, it's not selling well.

Not as popular as they hoped.

But another shirt that I saw everywhere, and I'm just like, who the fuck is wearing this shirt?

It says, I'm not gay.

But $20,000?

$20?

Every stand sells it.

Who's wearing that shirt?

Like, when we went down, when we were in our teens, would we ever wear a shirt like that?

We'd come back fucking proudly.

Funny age.

Like, I get it's supposed to be a joke, but it's like.

How do you know it?

How do you know that joke?

How do I know?

How do I know?

Yeah, how did you personally?

I've seen the shirt.

I saw the shirt on the boardwalk, yeah.

They saw them in New Orleans, too, when we were there.

Yeah, they're all over the board.

I've never seen it before until this trip, and I was just like.

Very popular.

That's popular?

Yeah.

I mean, it had to be.

It's at every stand.

It's like the thing they put out to lure people in.

That's the selling thing.

That's how they're going to draw you in.

But we're real men.

It doesn't occur to us to prostitute ourselves for $20.

I just don't know.

No, I prostitute myself for way more than $20, but trust me.

You're going to do it.

This mouth is stretched out.

I have to reckon with myself at one point in my life.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Yeah, but they, and the shirts are so chintzy looking.

It's just like the worst font.

Oh, there's shit.

And then if you buy one, I found out like years ago when I went there, it's like, okay, you got your shirt.

Now the lettering's extra.

Oh, you don't want that lettering to come off the first time you wash it?

We got to put this special plastic shit over it.

Just even though a t-shirt's like 60 bucks.

Fucking, and they're all like Gildans from like the late 80s that they still have a back supply of.

Gildan, yeah.

How the fuck do they?

I mean, they only stay in business because they're the fucking

cheapest shirt on the planet.

Yeah, I heard recently they branched out and have a second line for people who want shirts that actually

look like a shirt.

But yeah, Gildans are just a fucking disaster.

Yeah, like one wash, you're like, was this a shirt?

What are you talking about?

Wait a second.

What are you guys printing?

No, no, no.

They're like, shut out, Q.

Oh, no.

You got to cut that out, Q.

Jack, you gotta you got to remove that.

No, that's the new line that I'm sitting on.

Oh, yeah, that's the high-end Gildan.

That's the high-end Gildan.

That's the cashmere Gildan.

I know that you're not on Instagram.

Well,

you don't really go on there that much.

If you had, though.

I've never been on there.

I don't even know how to get to it.

You have?

How did you do Lely's Frenchie if you didn't?

You never went to even look?

Well, he showed it to me, but

I don't even know how to get to it.

Is it just Instagram.com?

No, it's an app.

I mean, you could go to Instagram.com, I guess.

But yeah, it's an app.

It's, you know, like Twitter or whatever.

But if you had been into it and you followed Q like I do, you would see

he's the modern-day Dr.

Q Little.

Every time you turn around, he's dealing with mice.

He's dealing with baby squirrels.

No air conditioning, I read.

The mice chewed through my air conditioning.

Really?

I saw that.

I was like, motherfucker.

They tried a circuit board.

So now I have traps around my air conditioning unit outdoor, and I catch them and I release them in a nearby park.

And what happened to all the fucking thousands of cats you got?

They're indoor cats.

Oh, this mouse was outside?

Yeah, they were out there.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Even my lazy bastards wouldn't let a mouse go inside the house.

But

yeah, so they're outdoor.

They're like field mice.

So I got those traps and I just release them in the park.

Why do they chew wires?

Well, you go all the way to Central Park?

No, no, no.

Cold Lakes Park.

By park, I mean my trash can.

Yeah, I just flush them.

Or you could make like crush films, you know.

No.

No.

Thanks, bud.

How much does that run you, a repair job of that magnitude?

Oh, that was, I know that exact number.

It was

600.

No.

It was 600 and something like that.

Is that an emergency call?

Because it's so hot out?

Like, you like, you got to get here quick.

Yo, well, the problem was.

I'll fry it in.

It's me.

Be cute.

I got mouse in my house.

Cheat my wires.

No, because they had to order a circuit board.

I had a week of broiling.

You had to go a week with it?

A week?

But why don't you call a different dude?

Because

they just ordered the part.

Because I have a,

that's the whole thing.

Like, I have a contract with this company that comes and do it.

But the company, I think I have Mitsubishi air conditioner.

They were like, yeah, it takes a week to get the business.

What happens if you aren't elderly?

And

you could die.

I agree.

You should have read them the fucking Riot Act.

I'm not doing that because next thing you know, it takes two weeks.

What?

What's going on?

It wasn't the whole.

Oh, sorry.

Hello, I got all the whole office.

So I don't need you bringing that in.

What's going on, Cook Pink?

I can't say.

It was my office and then my basement.

They were areas that I work.

So it went out.

So I couldn't.

You can't have Benjamin Cat in that office with no air conditioning.

He fucking loves it.

So you didn't spend seven days with no air conditioning, really, though.

Right?

You remained in other parts of the house that were cool.

Why don't we puffing going on?

Why don't people need to embellish?

Yes or no?

Yes or no?

It's a very simple question.

Did you remain without AC for seven consecutive days without ever stepping in the air conditioner on one side?

And you know, some of it bleeds over into

one fan, and you can blow it into the business.

Because Giddam fucking gave me the 411 on a 911.

On what?

On that, you go, oh, Q has no fucking AC on the hottest day of the year.

And I, and I was like, oh, man, I feel bad for him.

But apparently, it was just a fucking closet that didn't have

AC.

His walk-in closet that's bigger than my house.

None of this is true.

What's the fucking thing?

Not enough people are feeling sorry for me lately.

Oh, this COVID shit's distracting them.

Yeah, hundreds of thousands of people have died.

Go, I'm going out HD for an hour.

Nobody even noticed.

I better alert them.

That is a little weird.

It's not.

Well, Gates, could you retweet this?

It's not weird.

I'll tell you exactly what's going on.

I caught the mouse.

I finally caught the mouse and I put it on, and i released it in clove lakes park

i just but everybody i was feeling sorry for you because i was like i said to mary beth i was like holy it's so hot out q's air conditioning just went assuming it wasn't just the one zone yeah but you could you could just text me like i didn't even know if you could make it to the phone

i didn't know a mouse gonna chew through the telephone line

i didn't bring it up i didn't bring this up you guys brought this shit up i didn't talk about my air conditioning with you guys i told get him that why don't you take a a ride up there, see if you can fix it?

I told him he could leave work and go.

How many circuit boards do you have?

Go, Giddam.

I said, go and see what you can do.

You got a toolbox in that fucking Jeep.

Go help him out.

Yeah, but why wouldn't you just.

But it's not like if you guys were talking to me, I'd be like, holy shit, the air conditioning's out.

And then to get the part was

like seven days.

Now, do you feel, though, that like you're

were you happy with the service that it takes that long to?

Or were you like, maybe I got to look at a different service now?

No, because it wasn't like they had to order the part.

Nobody will have this part on hand.

Well, ain't this place a geographical audit.

So they have to order it from

five days, remember.

So they had to order it.

Didn't they overnight it?

I mean, you know Mitsubishi didn't have the part.

Do you know how they have to make it?

I don't know how Mitsubishi is.

They got to make it from fucking scratch.

They didn't have it in stock.

We're in the middle of a pandemic.

They don't have the stock to do it.

Do-it-yourself circuit board kit they sent to them.

I mean, we live in a world where things can come fucking overnight.

You think I don't fucking know that?

Especially if you're in a position of prominence.

Well, I'm not in a position of prominence.

One, two,

like we're just like everything's backed up.

You couldn't even get fucking toilet paper recently.

That was early on.

I think that has definitely subsided.

Has it?

I can wipe my ass now.

Yeah, I think the toilet paper

shortage has definitely subsided, and now we're definitely in an era of we're flush with toilet paper.

Don't need any more toilet paper.

What aren't we flush with?

You know what?

Graham crackers.

For some reason, there's a grain shortage.

I had to go on Twitter the other day.

I'm looking for graham crackers.

Thankfully,

Cousin Helen was able to get me a business.

What you fucking guys do?

You're going to the internet to like for to

look for graham crackers?

Yeah, they're not in any of the three stores I went to.

Oh, yeah, you should have went on Twitter for a circuit board.

Guys, what am I going to do?

I don't know how to fix it, Eric.

Why am I involved in this at all?

I don't really think there's a real graham cracker shortage, though, right?

I think the grain, like the type of grain they use, must be in short.

But do you remember there was supposed to be a beef shortage?

Yeah, never did.

Never did Matteler.

There was a couple days where Wendy's didn't have burgers I saw, but kind of like came and went with no real

it's weird how some things really catch on and then other things are like nobody really panicked over the meat shit.

People did panic over the toilet paper, though.

I never saw a meat shortage.

Yeah, beef.

Predicted a beef shortage.

I didn't notice that.

Yeah, because I guess there was a lot of COVID in

the slaughterhouses.

You know what?

Because I went to the butcher one time, and there was a limit.

Because people were trying to stock up.

It was like one day.

Yeah, like hamburger meat and shit, that kind of stuff.

And what about this squirrel?

Now you're catching squirrels?

Went for a walk, and

lying in the gutter was a baby squirrel, about a week old.

Was he drunk?

He wasn't drunk, he was in the street.

And I tried playing YouTube videos of baby squirrels calling for their mother because I read that, like, if you play that, the mother will hear it and come.

Oh, I thought you were going to say you played Chip and Dale fucking videos.

Yeah.

I'm like, they're chipmunks.

They're not even squirrels.

To brighten your spirits.

Yeah, this is the one where Donald Duck really wants that popcorn and chipping down to fucking.

They're chipping down, wearing fucking

things that he likes, thumbtacks.

Not thumbtacks, but thimbles.

Thimbles.

His top hats and fucking toothpicks and

his canes dancing, jetting fucking.

Pick up the squirrels.

It's funny because mine's.

I'm like, look, watch Rescue Ranger.

Check this shit out.

Were you afraid of him?

Like you might get a disease?

You're very germphobic.

No, I picked him up.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Is that you?

Oh, my God.

You're feeding them?

Yeah, I got goat's milk and fed them goat's milk.

Oh, my gosh.

That doesn't even look like a squirrel.

So they make that noise.

That's like bald little.

They make that noise.

Oh, you're putting them in water?

What do you put them in water for?

Because you have to stimulate.

They don't pee or poop.

You have to stimulate them.

Yeah, so we heard that.

That's what I had to do with kittens one time.

I took care of very small kittens and needed to take a cotton ball and rub their butt.

So you're raising this to be your personality.

I got it to, I wish, that would be sweet.

I got him to a vet, local vet, who has him in an incubator for the week until he's able to kind of live on his own ground.

What do you think, Havy?

You think he just fell out of the nest?

Oh, no, he's not a bird.

It could be anything.

Are squirrels birds?

It could be anything.

I waited a long time, man.

After

we, because there's a procedure that you can do, you're supposed to not pick them up at all, right?

But if the mother doesn't come by dusk, it's going to die because squirrels, apparently, it does just shut down for the night.

Plus, a raccoon would eat them, right?

Yeah, and I have a hawk near my house and shit like that.

So

I waited, and then I was, I left my phone there playing the noise.

Hopefully, the mother would hear it.

She never did.

So then I took the little guy in, and

then my vet was like, Yeah, we got an incubator.

We can put him in.

That was it.

So now they're going to incubate him.

And then there's a woman on Staten Island who's a squirrel whisperer

and she's going to take it over.

Yeah.

Yeah.

When she whispers, is it like.

Does it sound like that?

I don't know, yeah, I don't know.

But yeah, a lot of uh

I don't think she'll ever gain the fucking notoriety of a fucking Caesar, that dog whisperer, unfortunately.

No, you know, yeah, there's just something about it.

Dogs just, I guess, appeal to more people than people.

Well, people, I mean, in general, do people like squirrels?

Like, I laud you for saving a squirrel, a baby squirrel, because he's so helpless.

And I would want to do the same thing, but it's like, ultimately, it's like, we got enough squirrels.

Sure.

There's enough squirrels out there.

Right.

But you still feel compelled to save one.

It's a helpless little baby.

And I, yeah, I I like squirrels.

Brian Nightingale.

I'll take it.

I'll take it.

Yeah, I don't know.

I've always liked them.

So

that they should name that squirrel.

They should name it Q.

And when they're going to put it out into the wilder, it has to go into a zoo.

No, no, you could release them into the wild.

They actually can't really be domesticated.

Like, there's one or two instances where someone will have a YouTube video of that.

But for the most part, I've learned a lot about squirrels in the last few days, and they can't be domesticated.

But can they go out?

Like, can they, without being taught by its mother or father, like the rules, the way of the wild?

Like, can it get run over?

Yeah, I think so.

Can it survive, or is it immediately just going to be like, oh, fuck, a hawk is like,

there's a fucking dip my ass in water.

Oh, you can't even take a shit.

What the fuck's going on?

My bottom is dry.

I think it's all instinct.

I think they just know.

Yeah.

It was fun having a little baby squirrel.

How long did you have them for?

Just one night.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, just one night, huh?

Yeah.

Does it make you want more baby animals?

No.

No.

Do you want to find more baby animals in distress?

Not at all.

What if it wasn't a distress, though?

What if it was just baby animals that, you know, that you don't have to like care for 24-7?

No, I don't want them in my house.

No.

No.

What animal wouldn't you have picked up if it was a baby?

Like a bird?

There's some dangerous shit.

Oh, yeah, don't pick up anything that could have a flu.

I probably would have picked up.

I probably

just, what are you saying?

What would I not physically touch?

Yeah, like you're walking, you find like, you know, a baby raccoon, a baby possum, a baby snake.

A turtle.

Yeah, a little turtle.

Get some salmonella on you.

Well, I picked up a turtle.

I dropped a turtle in Clove Lakes Park last year that I found on the road.

Oh, yeah.

You get a show on Animal Planet, bro.

Yeah, why not?

I'll do it.

You really, I mean.

Are you good at whispering at any of these animals?

He doesn't have to.

I think that's the appeal.

He doesn't know what he's doing.

The animals don't like him.

No matter how much he whispers.

It's just a show about me trying to get animals to piss and shit by rubbing their anuses.

Something like that, little guy.

I'd watch at least one episode of that.

Yeah, so would I.

There are so many shows now about fat people.

I thought that, like,

after

the whole George Floyd thing, where they're like, all right, now we're not going to do any shows that exploit people with like cops and the live PD and all that other shit.

So I started to wonder, like, well, what other show?

Like, because they're all exploiting somebody, like the reality shows, but they have not slowed down on the fat shows.

There's a show.

Should they?

I don't know.

There's a show called Thousand Pound Sisters.

There's another show called, you know, the.

There's another show.

My 600-pound life.

And then there's another one that's

about a big fat family.

No, the Thousand Pound Sisters, I think, are new.

They're so grotesque.

Like, it's unbelievable.

Well, that's to you, but I think there's a lot of guys who are into that, though, too.

There's a big population that likes a big woman.

I mean, these guys are big, big, though.

I mean, real big.

I mean,

I remember seeing one of those shows, and

the girls are so leery of these guys because they're so all they're really into is

big,

big

people

and um

they say they got to watch out for them because they're they're all they're they're not really they don't care about the person they just care about they just care about the figure

i guess that's

that's what women of all stripes deal with i can show you a little you know just a little bit of that's that's very accurate i bet you yeah that was yeah

they fart a lot in purple up

we're the Fly Sisters.

We're supposed to

shout out.

Okay, you see it enough.

Those are big girls.

They're like, probably house ridden, right?

No, they can walk around and shit.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, so they go out and do stuff.

I only watched a little bit of it.

But I did not understand

the draw.

I just don't understand the draw of those shows.

They're only in their early, they're late 20s, early 30s, those girls.

Are they on a journey to

to maybe lose weight though is that the is that the uh

the the

the narrative of the show uh yeah i think that they want to lose weight okay

but

well then that's that can also uh motivate people and help people who oh they're trying to they're trying to qualify for that bariatric surgery i guess the

band on their stomach yeah that they want to pursue their dreams it says here it's called inspire

family by the ton that's the name of the other one one.

Family by the Ton?

Yeah, and it's about a whole fat family.

I guess it's like a genetic fat family.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

I remember.

I don't know.

What are they going to do?

You know, the opposite of this fat family.

I don't know what to say.

People that are too

skeletonly thin, though, right?

You don't really see shows like that, though.

You don't see shows.

It's because I think it's more,

it's regarded as more of a disorder than just being fat

like having anorexia or bulimia like because so many younger girls have it so many younger girls have body image problems that it's treated more seriously uh because fat people it's just like you're out of control just fucking slow down on the fucking

uh anorexia yeah yeah it's much more rare though it's usually females i guess um

but it's just i think not regarded as like the sideshow that being fat is you know.

Because

they just can't exploit it because it's just an illness, I guess, like a mental illness or regarded as such, you know.

I don't know.

What do I know about Thousand Pound Sisters?

What I do know is that.

That's a segue if I ever heard.

Yeah, I was not one of them.

Screw the ones.

Is that if the Thousand Pound Sisters want to shop for life insurance,

what they need to know is how much coverage they need, what insurance company is best for them, what should it cost.

I'm sure not the one we're pimping right now, although I don't even know who it is, but I'm sure, though, some life insurance places probably would

use

that as a way to not cover them.

Oh, I'd say so.

Yeah, you think so?

Oh, yeah.

Is that you against the law, though?

I don't think so.

I mean, it's a preexisting condition.

Pre-existing condition.

Plus, like, I remember, like, Muse couldn't get insurance because he was messed up for a little while.

Like, sometimes if actors are screwed up enough, they won't won't insure them because they're afraid they're going to die on set or whatever if they're all drugged out and shit.

So, I imagine the same would go for somebody who's this heavy set, you know?

Like, that's that's that is the same, like a disease or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, totally.

Do you think insurance companies shouldn't be for-profit?

I would like to see that because I can't get shit covered.

I mean, I think that's one thing that they probably should do is not make

insurance for profit anymore.

It's like, I don't understand.

I mean, I just don't understand how you have to do it.

I'm sure the one we're pimping right now isn't

a for-profit organization.

No, they don't like money.

And they're not even an insurance company, actually.

They let you.

They let you come onto their website and you can find all kinds of different insurances.

You compare them and aggregate.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, so as a life insurance marketplace backed by a team of experts, policy genius is keeping track of all the changes in the market so you don't have to.

They'll find the right amount of coverage at the best possible price without the headache.

You must have some life insurance, right?

Kick the bucket.

I have no idea.

Yeah, you gotta.

I might not.

You must.

I might not.

Your wife's pretty.

I don't think she wants to think about it, so we don't bother with it.

Huh.

Well, that seems like it'll work in the long run.

Policy genius compares quotes from the top of life insurance.

Yeah, like, what do you care?

In fact, I don't want them to have money because they're just going to use it to like, they're going to, like, Mary Bethlehem, move in a fucking guy, some young dude, spending your death money.

Spending my death money, probably buying a car.

Yeah.

You know,

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Q, you have life insurance for the cats, right?

In case you

well, in my will, I have stipulations for the cats.

Yep.

Any humans are just cats and squirrels?

A lot of humans are covered, but the cats are the only ones that have very specific rules laid out.

You can't tell anybody like if you have a human in your will, you probably shouldn't tell them, right?

Yeah, well, you know, you know, one of my brothers will try and kill me.

You never know, man.

I see crazy shit on the ID channel all the time.

Not my brothers.

My brothers are fucking solid.

You trust your brothers, huh?

I do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I like my brothers.

If you're going to like to pick one who is like, he's the Judas.

He's the one who tried to get me for my life insurance.

Oh, man.

That's a great question.

I don't think either of them would do it.

Under any circumstances, I don't think either of my brothers would screw me over.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

They're good guys.

Is that a concern too, Walt?

Maybe

you don't want to have to worry about somebody making sure that you meet your maker a little bit earlier than you might?

No,

I don't ever really think about death.

Really?

I think about it constantly now.

I only think about other people's death.

Yeah.

Like with glee?

No, I just wonder if they're still alive because we watch a lot of old TV.

Right.

So seemingly all day long, I wonder out loud, is that person still alive?

I do that too.

I'm like, I'll be like, that person is definitely dead.

That dog is definitely dead.

If the show's old enough.

Yeah.

I wonder why, though.

Yeah.

And then you look it up, and sometimes you're like, sometimes you're wrong.

Most of the time, you're not.

Like Tommy Manicotti from The Honeymooners.

I looked him up the other night, and he just died.

He was probably 12 in like 1954 or something.

Oh, is that the, what was that?

Character was he?

He was, He showed up every once in a while.

Like, he passed the counterfeit money.

There was a point where Ralph found a whole briefcase full of money, and it turned out to be counterfeit, and he was like spending it like a big wig, and he gave Tommy Manicotti some to go.

Do you remember Tommy Manicotti?

Yeah, he's in it like a couple times.

Do you think if you went back in time, hit a time machine, and you went back to the set of the Honeymooners and you told everybody on the cast, your show will still be on in 2020 in fucking prime time sometime.

What would their reaction be there will be um

marathons of this show and it's not even that many episodes what 39 the original 39 not a lot of episodes but like it's crazy that it's still on

to this day somewhere in the world the honeymooners is on yeah well i bought the uh the blu-rays because we put them on at night just like really yeah if like i'm on on the ipad or something i'll put i love the show it's so fucking solid because sometimes you sit there and you watch it uh because you know they're doing in front of a live audience and you're like, how long before they break?

Like, how long before they cut that camera?

And it's like, how the fuck are they this good?

Like, it's, it's, I mean, it's like a play almost.

But the acting is like,

you're just like, how are they able to do this?

How are they able to remember this much?

Pros.

They're old pros.

How much better can the quality be of a Blu-ray, though, than a

division of a show?

Because that was shot on film, right?

Yeah.

So they could probably.

Strike it from the negative.

Yeah.

So it looks pretty good.

Damn.

I know some was shot on video.

I remember this.

I think the later ones.

Yeah, there's some, but I know it was shot on a black and white film early on.

So you could probably make that look really good if you have the originals.

Yeah, and if you watch like the very early stuff with the original Alice,

you're like, it sucks.

It's so different.

Do you remember when they colorized it in the 80s?

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

How bad was that at the colorization?

I've yet to see anything that I'm like, this is made better.

March of the Wooden Soldiers.

I liked it when it was in color.

Was that originally in black and white?

I didn't know that.

Yeah, it was like 1929.

Oh, was it that old?

Wow.

Holy shit.

I didn't know it was that old.

Oh, yeah.

It does look pretty good.

It has that technicolor look to it.

Oh, yeah.

It has a very like surreal, kind of dreamy look to it, the color.

Because none of the colors look natural.

Right.

That matches the content.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

But something like the Honeymooners, though,

you're brought out of what you're watching because the color is so bad.

It's so jarring.

It's funny because now they'll release some movies in black and white, and they look pretty good.

Like Logan, the last X-Men one, they have Logan Noir, which is just a black and white version.

And I actually like watching it in that version more.

Yeah, the Mist did that too.

The Mist did, but it didn't help that movie.

Don't you think Kev, like on one of these anniversary releases, should release Clerk's a colorized version?

As long as it's that March of the Wooden Soldiers type coloring.

Oh, he should do that.

That would be hysterical.

It's got to be easy to do now, right?

At this stage, I mean, you know, it has to be easier than it was in the 80s.

I mean, you saw what he did on Reboot.

Like,

in the camera, he made you guys all black and white and Jay and Bob run through in color.

Like, they did it in camera at the time.

So it has to, it can't be that hard.

People are just.

Well, it would be, I bet you'd be a lot more involved.

Oh, sure.

But I'm just saying, like, if that would be a way to get, like, you know, that would be a cool thing to do for an anniversary.

Yeah.

Well, when's the next anniversary?

2024, I guess?

Yeah.

Right.

30 years?

Fuck.

That's when you start thinking, like,

it's just like 95.

It's like 95 wasn't that long ago.

It's like, oh, yeah, it was.

Like, I was watching Casino the other day.

I'm like, this movie is fucking 30 years old, man.

That's crazy.

That is crazy.

Yeah.

Shit that you went to see in theaters, and it doesn't seem that long ago, but

it was.

I riled some people last week or last episode, Walt.

You thought that

maybe some people may not like your talk about God.

I didn't hear one peep about that.

No, neither did I.

The skateboarders are riled up.

They're mad at me.

Yes, they should be.

You didn't see that coming.

I didn't.

I didn't know skateboarders were so touchy, especially the female ones.

Well, I mean, they're not touchy because

if you didn't negate them before they even said anything, they probably wouldn't be touchy.

I don't know, they were touchy, and I don't like the idea of skateboarders being mad at me because they always, like, you always see them hitting people with the skateboards, you know?

They don't just beat you up, they hit you with their skateboards.

It's just something

in jest, though.

But I don't want to sound stupid, but I've always wondered this.

If a girl is doing something, some sort of activity and gets injured

while she's what you said,

is she more at risk for bleeding to death?

Oh, like if she cuts her arm?

Yeah.

No, I don't think so.

I don't think you suddenly turn into a haemophilia just because you're on the rag.

All right.

I was just wondering.

You never know, though.

So, yeah.

So, I guess I have to issue a blanket apology to these skateboarders.

Yeah.

They're a rough crowd.

You know, I got your back in most situations, but it did seem a rather unnecessary swipe.

You had no skin in the game whatsoever.

No.

Nobody was bringing it up and talking about it, and then you just started ripping into them.

Yeah, they taught me to mind my P's and Q's.

I got to watch my back now.

Stay in your lane.

I know.

These rebels.

What is your lane?

Sidewalk surfboards.

I don't know.

I don't even know what my lane is.

It used to be like swerving all over the place.

Now I'm just not sure.

Maybe it's the shoulder.

It's broken down.

Yeah, it's broken down.

Steam exit ramp of life.

Yeah, here I go.

This has to be the third act, right?

Oh, yeah.

Deep into it now.

No, not deep into it.

Just starting, just starting.

It's not a great start, 2020.

Well, it's not your fault.

That's true.

I would say you have till 60.

I think you're still in the middle.

Yeah.

Because 50 is a new 40.

But if he starts it now, though, if he starts this as his final act, he has time to really make the final act like fucking like a triumphant fucking return from, you know,

the first two acts.

If you tell me he's got to wait till 60 to start, he might not have the energy or the.

Oh, I'm saying start now, but he, I would think he turned around his life a few years back.

You know, that he's doing spectacular now.

Uh, well, I mean, for the rest of like, like, do things that like impress all the all the people who were like, oh my god, did that guy from Conquer Gun did what?

He wrote the great American novel.

Oh, he wrote a play.

Oh, he fucking choreographed a fucking musical.

He robbed a laundromat.

Something that, like, you know, like, that lives beyond when he's gone.

Yeah.

So the things I haven't done so far are not indelible.

I mean, what the fuck else do I need to do?

Why do you think that's thousands of hours of podcasting?

Yeah, but hundreds of hours of TV.

To the people who know you and listen to you, yeah, that's a solid fucking contribution.

I'm talking about to the people who only still remember you vaguely from Comic Bookman.

Right.

The guy with the long beard.

The asshole.

He did what?

Right.

That's what you want.

I got to like cure COVID or something.

No, you're thinking, wait, you always.

It's too big?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That makes you go, I can't cure Kirva, so I won't do nothing.

Fuck it then.

That's true.

I do shoot big, but falls short.

So on what level then?

Write a fucking...

Write a group?

I did have an idea for some memoirs.

That's some memoirs.

Yeah, well, when he write that, and then I can continue until I'm like 60, right?

With what?

With the memoirs.

I just keep going.

Because

I don't have a lot of stories now.

Like if Kevin were like hey let's do uh wybride i'd be like i mean i have old shit yeah but i don't really do anything hardly leave the house i tricked sage today into thinking her chucky doll moved that's usually what i do

look man maybe wybride's just in the past you know maybe

sure yeah you've you've you're mature now you don't want to be just known as the guy who like fucking and who made everybody go get aghast at your fucking tales of debauchery and oh i didn't know that that was that reaction i thought that was i thought that was impressed why ride like live ride what the fuck's the matter with you

yeah i guess you're right yeah i mean now you've matured and you're seasoned and you're family man almost yeah oh yeah

we're at a great flashpoint for society yeah it's nice to see brian johnson pivot along with the rest of the world

into novel and uh what is it you're gonna write your memoirs memoir writing that would be great

It'd be like fucking, you know, something that stands right alongside Ann Frank's diary.

Yeah.

Ooh, yeah.

Brian Johnson's memoirs.

Call it Here's Why.

No, I already have the title.

Oh, yeah, but yeah.

What was it again?

No, I forgot it.

Oh, no, it's

Brian Johnson, Slow Burn to Awesomeness.

I got to give you that.

That's a better one.

Who wouldn't read that?

Yeah, I would.

How many volumes you have?

That's my unauthorized autobiography.

What's that?

How many volumes do you think you would need to tell the story?

Oh, I think just one.

Just one.

Yeah, lots of pictures.

Yeah, but you could go fucking rowling and fucking want to like fucking make more.

Start making fun of trans people.

I've done that already.

It's not going to get you a volume too.

Yeah, you want to add volumes to the fucking, to your

library.

That's true.

It could be like the Canterbury tells, you you know?

All right.

That's what I'm going to shoot for.

You're like, don't shoot too high.

You're like, how about you do fucking six, seven volumes of your life?

We'll start with one.

I mean, you know what?

The whole fucking journey begins with what?

One little step.

Yeah, that's true.

The volume that would be longest would be The Last Relationship.

Oh, the stories from that.

Would you be comfortable fucking revealing all that?

Sure, most of it.

You'd be on the New York Times bestseller, fuck yeah, right?

Oh, yeah, I'm on the top 10 of the New York Times.

I don't care who the fuck I'm writing about.

I'll sell out anyone.

You should.

You should do it.

Show all those motherfuckers who fucking thought

you were just the grump on Combo Man, the beard guy who fucking.

Yeah, the ones who thought I was just suckling at Kev's teeth.

Grouchy fucking

grouchy assholes.

Yeah, well, I don't know that I'll prove them wrong by my writing.

If you're a fucking

top seller on their best sellers list, then I'd have to be happy, right?

Multi-award-winning.

Yeah, more than one award, huh?

I like the way this is sounding.

Yeah.

All right, I'll do it.

All right.

Fuck it.

Why not?

Send it over.

Could you start off with the clichéd?

I was born in a log cabin.

Probably not.

I think I would have a couple things to say.

There we go.

A couple things to say about childhood, though, here and there.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure.

And then, you know, I get to the point where I meet people.

I meet Walt Flanagan in fifth grade, talk about that stuff.

I wouldn't tie it too close to that stuff, though.

No?

Yeah, nobody cares about meeting me.

Nobody cares.

Like, I'm talking about you want to connect and you want to make it in the real world.

More universal?

Yeah, you got to make it more like you got to like you got to connect with people emotionally on a level that you haven't connected so far with.

You have with films be faithful.

I'm not sure you have the capability, but you can try.

But

you want to try to

branch out and hit a more wider market.

So don't curse a lot in it.

I don't know.

I mean, if I'm telling stories about that last relationship, I think they're going to be horrified.

I'm thinking that's not the wide audience.

It might be best to leave that out.

Really?

That's over a decade.

That's what people identify with.

They're like, oh my God.

Yeah.

I remember dealing with stuff like that.

Nobody's dealt with shit like that.

No, yeah.

People ask me, like, what went on with that?

And I'm just like, since she's not around to defend,

I don't really, you know, that's why I don't really talk about it on the show, on the podcast.

But

there was a lot.

I mean, you know, both you guys know.

You don't have to ever say her real name, though, in the books.

No.

People don't know who I'm talking about.

Her name's Susan.

How would you like this?

Well, can you imagine that

you get the coronavirus, right?

And then you're in the hospital and you become delirious, uninhibited, and

highly aroused when you're placed on antipsychotic medication because you're going crazy.

These people think it was a dormant case of bipolar disorder in this guy.

So he starts

confessing all this shit to his wife.

He confessed to numerous hithero,

oh, sorry, he confessed to numerous hitherto undisclosed homosexual encounters and other sexual behaviors described as uncharacteristic by his wife.

He obsessively wrote down every personal interaction and bodily sensation and found the experience liberating.

So it made this guy go crazy to the point where he started confessing to shit.

Well, was it a fever dream?

In a delirium.

Well, I don't think it doesn't seem like it was a dream.

It seemed like it was true.

But like something, some sort of like psychotic episode in his head went off because it was spurred by this corona.

And he

just started

went to almost a manic phase.

That would be terrifying, though.

Like, you know, like you can't, you're panting, you don't have control of what you say to your wife.

Right.

I watched HBO's Real Sex in 1996.

It didn't tell you.

You were asleep.

It just came on after.

Real 610.

Yeah.

The 10 was the worst one.

Oh, they suck.

They're all terrible.

Toxicab Confessions, I liked.

I don't know why they stopped doing that.

Toxic Cab Confessions.

That's an invasion of privacy, right?

Yeah, but you had to sign something afterwards.

Because I remember Gwen.

Remember Gwen Turner?

She was friends with Kevin.

She was in GoFish, that movie Go Fish, that was around the same time as Clarks.

Remember Gwen?

Yeah.

The name rings a bell, but I don't know.

She was in it.

She was in one of those taxi cabs.

I'm surprised they haven't brought that back yet for like a reformatted it and

for today's audience.

Yeah.

Well, today's audience needs a lot more, probably.

They need like crazy shit to be spoken about in the back of the cab, you know, they or else their attentions, you know, immediately drawn to something else.

It would have to also be like Uber confessions, right?

Because hardly anybody takes a taxi now.

would you be upset if your doctor wore a bikini

maybe not while she was inspecting you but if she was just wow is it is it sexist that i was like why is the why would why would a dude be wearing a bikini well is your doctor a dude no

doctor

but if i did it would be a dude you better not be wearing a bikini

wow i i

Yeah, it's so weird that I didn't even think about that.

That's like that joke.

You know,

there's an injured child with and like in a plane in an accident, and the doctor comes out.

I cannot operate on this boy, for he is my son.

But the doctor is not their father, the doctor isn't their father, so how could that be?

Yeah, yeah, and it's that one of those brain teasers.

Yeah, I always got it right, I always knew it was fucking

of course you did.

I was like, What happened?

I fell asleep.

I remember you were the most woke in fifth grade at the time.

Um, yeah, I guess there was a study published in the Journal of Vascular Surgery, and with the publicly available social media content and how it could affect future patients' physician choices, they're like, doctors don't post inappropriate attire,

such as bathing suits or costumes, or photos that display alcohol, and post with censored profanity or controversial opinions.

It's so crazy that we have to tell doctors this now.

Because that's where we're getting to the age where now some of the kids who grow up in the age of

posting everything,

you know, wild and out.

Now you got to tell doctors how to act.

Now, it's crazy.

Did you ever think you'd ever have to tell a doctor not to do shit like this?

Not to.

I mean, I don't think you should be telling a doctor.

Like, why can't a female doctor wear a bikini, though?

It wouldn't really.

You can still post pictures of it.

You could say that about so many people.

Like, there's so many people that it's like, why?

Why the fuck are you compelled to post this shit?

Yeah, because you kind of hurt your credibility, though, if you're, like, got your thong on and you're like, Oh, you got your thong?

You know,

the fallen ass, you know, remember that?

Oh, yeah.

Nice.

There's a lot of nice references going on at this table.

That I always saw at Wild World.

The Hole and Ass post, so you can win that.

A plane crashes on the border of Iraq and Iran.

Where do you bury the survivors?

Oh, that's not.

I know this one.

You don't want to.

You got them.

Look at them.

No, you don't bury survival.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Literally,

prove yourself.

I didn't want to take the joy away from you by answering.

Oh, okay.

This lady thinks, because I'm in a hospital at 4 a.m.

And if you don't think 12-mile hikes, beers, and bikinis don't make me a better doctor, you're nuts.

So she says I'm wearing bikinis.

Oh, a med student.

Look at this one.

Who the fuck is telling...

I don't know.

What field is she in?

She's a medical student.

Oh, she doesn't know what she's going what she's going for?

Nah, just a medical student.

Uh, look, I wouldn't hold it against anyone, but if I had my choice between like a a doctor that didn't post stuff like that and one that did, I would probably go for the one that didn't.

You would go for the one that didn't, huh?

Yeah.

This uh the study, it turns out, was published by shaming physicians, and uh it was three men who created fake social media accounts, possibly.

And the study must be retracted, so there's a little bit of controversy right now.

They made social media accounts to harass women?

I guess to pretend that this study was real?

Who gives a shit?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Why do people, do people not realize we're in the middle of a pandemic?

Aren't there so many things that you're like, you know, that Corona's still around, right, guys?

I'll tell you what.

Everything that people are talking about besides Corona, I'm like, really?

Does anybody give a shit that like the baseball season and stuff like that?

I love baseball.

I've been watching the Yankees play, and I'm loving it, but it's just like

front page, top line is like it.

I'm just just like, how much longer is that going to last, baseball?

Yeah, but you know, Major League Baseball is being ravaged by COVID now.

I understand that.

They didn't go into the bubble.

They didn't go into the bubble.

Which is the big mistake that they made.

But the Marlins wouldn't go in the bubble?

No, Major League Baseball didn't go into a bubble where all the teams traveled to two locations and just play games.

Like the NBA.

Like the NBA and the NHL is going to do.

Yeah.

You can't control,

well, you can't even control in the bubble totally, but you can control a lot more in a bubble than you can what Major League Baseball was doing.

I don't know what the NFL is going to do, and they might have to go to the bubble as well.

Look, for what they're paying those guys, get in the fucking bubble.

Yeah, and stay there until they tell you something.

Get in the fucking bubble and play the 16 games you got to play, and then and then get out of the bubble.

It's a long time to stay in a bubble, though.

You don't get to see your family.

Yeah, but look at everybody that's out of work right now and like people who are like making minimum wage and shit.

I bet you if you were like, hey, man, you want to go into this bubble

for 16 weeks?

And here's how much money you'll get.

Yeah, I'd be like, yeah, yeah i'll go in that bubble

not saying it's easy no it's it won't be easy i agree with you but maybe your family could come in the bubble with you

it's tough though because you know you're assuming it's almost almost as sexist as my comment about the doctor the female doctor and the male doctor having a bikini is that the the mother the wives don't have their own jobs to in their own lives to attend to they just can't go into a bubble because their husband's there i mean i guess if my husband's making 170 million dollars i'm not worried about my day job

part-time job down at the fucking dollar store yeah i just oh like you're running the counter at hurts you assume they're not career women you assume that they're not career women i you know tom brady's wife makes more than he does doing what giselle

she's a fucking the supermodel the supermodel of the ages yeah like christy brinkley and giselle yeah

Christy Brinkley.

Did she go into a bubble and have to not go onto her photo shop?

Well, I'd like to note that I never said that they have to go into the bubble.

I was like, they can't.

They're dressing that bubble, girl.

I was just like, why don't they go on the bubble?

It is going to be a little bit more difficult.

Yeah, but she could tell, she could run her businesses from the bubble.

Who, Giselle?

Giselle.

How?

She's got to go on a photo shoot.

She's got to go to the bottom.

She's not still on a phone.

She's got to go to the Caribbean.

That's not how she's making money.

Now she's got lines of clothes and books and all this shit that she could do from

the middle of the bubble.

She doesn't do active modeling anymore?

I don't know.

I thought she did.

But I doubt that's how she makes the majority of her money anymore.

But, you know, these guys, though, like, you go into the,

let's say you go into the 16-week bubble in the NFL.

Yeah.

And then you make the playoffs.

Yeah.

It's another couple weeks.

Yeah.

How are they supposed to

take care of their needs, though, if their wives

are, you know, they don't have families not there, though?

It could affect their field performance.

I thought you were an advocate, though, of people not having hanky-panky when they got to get their heads on straight.

So, what if they all play the best fucking seasons possible?

Well, I know that, like, the Bob Kraft, the owner of the Patriots, he definitely likes to get his

freak on.

He does.

It's good for the owner.

It's got to be good for the player.

Well, it wasn't good for the owner.

I think it's

his lucky fucking hand job.

He got a Super Bowl out of it.

What are you talking about?

I thought they were all lucky.

All right, here you go, go.

Walt, this was as of 2018.

Giselle Boonchin is still one of the highest paid models in the world, according to Forbes.

2018?

From 2017 to 2018, she earned $10 million.

Two years can change a lot in the modeling.

That's a step down.

For 10 consecutive years from 2007 to 2016,

she earned $17.5 million for her modeling.

Can you look it up?

Does Giselle make more than Tom Brady?

I always heard that was a fact.

Your buddy Chrissy Teigen made $11.5 million.

Wow.

She's been in some trouble recently.

Why?

Oh, she's catching shit for like some sort of

conspiracy stuff.

Oh, she's buying into a conspiracy?

No, she's not buying into it.

People said that she was included in some kind of child trafficking thing.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

That's what people do now.

They accuse you of child trafficking.

Okay.

It's escalated to that.

Yeah.

Kendall Jenner, $22.5 million.

CBS says Giselle.

She made $45 million a year, and Tom Brady made $27 million a year.

Who should fucking Tom should go into her bubble?

Yeah, you're fucking right about that.

And Tom's handsome enough, he should be modeling too, making fucking big money.

He gets all those endorsements.

Does that include his endorsements?

It just, I guess, it's based on him, what he makes a year.

He didn't even make the Forbes 2018 list of 100 highest-paid athletes.

That's a crime.

How?

Yeah, that's right.

Get him right.

He cares so much about winning, he takes a pay cut so that...

Oh, he took a pay cut?

Yeah, the the Patriots can assign players that they need to win rings.

And then they threw him out.

You know, he left.

He left.

He left.

He fucking gave them the boot.

Where did he go?

Tampa Bay.

Tampa, huh?

Q, you know what?

I was thinking, because

I'm going to miss.

the Joker's Cruise.

I was thinking about it today.

Okay.

Love the Joker's Cruise.

And I was thinking because

I was reading it about a cruise that came back and somebody in Australia, somebody fucked up and read that like these people who had symptoms of COVID did not have them.

So the guy just like, all right, everybody can come off the ship.

So 2,700 people got off and there were like 20 people who had COVID and a whole bunch of others who had these

symptoms and shit.

But I'm like, what if the jokers hadn't,

you have to prove that you had COVID and recovered from it, and then you can go on the cruise.

Because then you would have the antibodies and shit and you can't get sick again.

I don't know how you

do that.

No, I wouldn't want to.

That's not for you to figure out.

You're the star.

No, but I have to trust the process.

And that's what I'm saying.

I don't know what the process is.

Well, you wouldn't be able to hobnob, which would probably be good.

You would like that.

Well, no, I wouldn't, because the thing about the hobnobbing is

when people are paying that much money for the cruise, you got to hop knob.

Well, just take a pay cut like Tom.

But then who...

Oh, so charge, so maybe the cruise is only $600, but no hobnob.

Oh, yeah, I don't think you're getting those top-tier prices these days.

There was a room on a recent cruise in the Haven for like a thousand bucks.

The haven?

Yeah.

So that's how bad things have gotten.

I think I'm cruised out.

I think I'm okay not doing any more cruises.

It's too much work.

I don't want to work anymore.

It's a lot of work for you guys.

Yeah.

I do enjoy them, but

everything becomes work eventually.

Everything.

No matter what it is.

Except finding animals.

Yeah.

I got a beer company that's fucking still trying to operate through this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are people still drinking beer?

They must be drinking beer.

The problem is most of our business is kegs and nobody's going to bars.

Nobody's having keggers.

So we're still selling.

We're actually.

We started shipping.

Actually, why don't I even fucking mention this on the show?

We're shipping now to other states.

Well, he's looking that up on Patreon.

We have Sunday Grind coming up, which is.

When's this episode drop?

What's up?

When's this episode drop?

This one will come out tomorrow.

Oh, yeah.

So, yeah, this coming Tuesday.

Sunday.

This coming Tuesday, Sunday Grind, yeah, an all-new show where Sunday Jeff and I discuss the old Grindhouse

and Grindhouse movies.

And Walt, you're going to be happy to know that Q is going to join us.

We're going to do Basket Case.

Yeah, and Q is super into it.

A Grindhouse movie?

Yeah.

Okay.

Basket Case 2.

Okay.

Well, that exploitation.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

If you live in Montana, New Hampshire, Washington, D.C., Nebraska, North Dakota, Vermont, Nevada, New York, and Ohio, you guys could order RNH beer, delivered to your house.

Please do.

To your house.

We'll ship it.

We'll ship it.

How do you approve you're 18?

Or 21, rather.

That's the age, right?

That's a great question.

I don't know.

I'm sure there's a process, but I'm not.

That's a good question for Helen because she's handling all this stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It must not be as enjoyable because like you, when you were having, like when you first started, you're going out to bars and your guest bartend and you're promoting it.

It was a little bit more fun.

Yeah.

Now it's just I worry about the people that work for me.

You can only make so much hand sanitizer.

Yeah, it's like, it's just like it's.

We never did get that, did we?

The hand sanitizer?

Yeah, we never did, did we, Walt?

I didn't know I asked for it.

Yeah, I don't remember.

He promised it to us.

I remember that.

Well, it's still necessary.

Will it ever not be necessary?

Are we done?

Are we done for?

Like, who's going to go.

Have you been in New York lately?

It's been a little bit since I drove through the city.

All right.

But, like, down by Penn Station and shit.

I just can't imagine.

It's crazy.

Herald Square, where they have all those chairs set up behind Macy's, like, nothing but junkies and shit.

Yeah.

Oh, you remember when I got shit not even fucking eight months ago for saying New York City was going down the tubes and people were like, you don't know?

You knew.

Of course, of course, I knew.

De Blasio.

Yeah.

There's encampments under the FDR.

They have like burning trash cans.

All down by Pier 11.

It's fucking crazy.

It's crazy.

Under the FDR drive, one of the underpasses.

They have to get the city back on track.

And it took this man fucking like six years to just

devastate it.

Devastate it.

Because if you think about like...

When are people, like, you know, they were like, oh, Broadway's going to open in a couple months.

Okay, Broadway's going to open in September.

Okay, now Broadway's going to open in January.

Even in January.

Like, it's not that far off.

So who is going to feel comfortable coming in unless there is a solid vaccine that people are getting?

Who the fuck is ever going to want to come back in to go to a show?

And if they do, who wants to step over all these fucking junkies and homeless people in order to get there?

I don't know.

It's crazy.

I don't know what

it's frightening to most people.

Yeah, it is because it is because it's fucking frightening.

It's these people aren't

look,

it's an unfortunate situation, but like they're not living on the street because everything's okay.

Right.

And so it's like, it's just,

you know.

It's entirely possible that you get off the train, you try to walk a couple of blocks to Times Square and you may get a needle in the side of your neck because that person is deranged.

Yeah.

Who wants to risk that shit?

I don't know.

I I don't know.

I f I I I feel really bad for a lot of people right now.

I don't to t'cause because it's not just

it's it's and I know what his take, uh de Blasio's take is, but like and he says it, he goes, I don't care about business.

business.

He goes, I care about people.

And it's just like, all right, but what about the people that are in the businesses?

Yeah, and people don't make the fucking city, like,

they don't make it run.

The businesses pay the city.

The people don't have any money unless they're in the business.

And Manhattan is made up of nothing but small, I mean, not nothing but, but tons of small businesses, mom and pop stores, all that shit's still in Manhattan.

And they're trying to like put out, how could you have outdoor seating in Manhattan right now?

Who the fuck is going to sit outside of Manhattan?

Somebody's coming up to you, bothering you for change.

Every two minutes, somebody's asking you for money.

I read an article about it where the guy was sitting there.

He's like, it just,

the people bring their tables back in because homeless people sit on it, or people are asking for money.

And they're more aggressive now because there's no cops around.

Yeah, I hope that I don't know, man.

I don't fucking know.

End times, Walt.

Chom, Steve, Dave.