#438: Over The Rainbow Bagel

Went to an old west town and had a f a shootout with a 14-year-old kid.

Is that an innuendo to find another 14-year-old?

Is that flamboyant enough for you?

I like things a little more flamboyant, man.

Tell them, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve Dave.

We are still quarantined.

We're not face to face.

We can't look lovingly at each other, which is a huge problem for me.

What about you guys?

Do you miss the grill?

Do I miss the what?

The grill.

My grill.

Oh, your grill.

Oh, okay.

I didn't realize you were talking.

I was thinking about outdoors barbecue.

Yeah, you know, I do.

You've been quiet lately, too.

I haven't really heard from you the last couple of days.

It's got me a little worried.

No, I'm all right.

Just working on stuff and, you know,

social distance.

Socially distancing you know right all that shit I think I've gone out twice in the past week you know went to the went to Target once and I don't even know if I would count it I went to a storage unit I didn't see anyone I don't know if you count that as going out

no not not in the important sense of the matter that we're dealing with right now no yeah

what about you Walt how you doing how you faring

I think I'm better than I was the last time we recorded

I think there's a certain stages of of what's going on.

I think I'm at a stage now where I'm not as

bad as I was last time.

You're at acceptance?

I think so.

I think I am.

I feel I came out of feeling pretty

funky.

Probably.

What's today?

That's the weirdest thing, too, is days are just...

don't matter now and like I don't even know what somebody told me what the day was and I looked at I looked at them and I was just like what I thought it was Tuesday, and it was like Saturday.

It was really shocking, and

it put me kind of, made me feel bad because I was like, how fucked up is it that I don't even know what day it is?

But that's what it feels like lately.

But I do feel like I'm turning the corner a little bit now, whereas last time we spoke,

I was not feeling too good.

Yeah, I look forward to you embracing not knowing what day it is.

That's the next stage where you're like, who gives a fuck, man?

I don't care.

I'm on island time, baby.

That's the way I do it.

All right, so that's good.

That's good to hear.

Does it have anything to do with you in the lead for who likes Jim more?

Are you guys still watching the office?

We're still devouring the office.

We kind of haven't.

I don't think we've done it, though, in the last two days, though, but like we're deep into season two, which is season two is pretty, pretty damn good.

I mean, that's maybe the best season as far as characterization, and it doesn't kind of get unrealistic.

Oh, I hear some cats in the background.

I know you hear it.

It sounds like a goddamn haunted house.

Benjamin's looking for attention.

That's beat.

Like with Dexter, like after Trinity Killer, after season three, you're like, it's never going to get as good as this again.

So like to re-watch it, you know that after season three, you're like, well, fuck it.

What's the point?

You know?

Because once, isn't it like anticlimactic?

Once Jim like gets Pam,

I think they maybe they shouldn't have had them get together as quickly as they did.

Maybe they should have like

strung that out a little bit longer.

Yeah, there's no tension after that.

We re-I had seen it before we and Mary Beth, we just re-watched Raising Hope.

And it's the same kind of thing where it's like these two people who like each other, they don't know they like each other, they work at a grocery store, finally they get together.

And once they get together, you do not give a fuck what happens.

You know,

yeah, yeah, that's the one thing I did realize, though.

And I was just like, oh, I wish they had made that play out a little bit longer, though.

The chase.

Yeah, and maybe more,

maybe more shit.

Roy throws more shit at mirrors and bars.

I like that cider, Roy.

You know what I was saying?

I figured out why I want what it is about, like,

I've always, and subconsciously, I think I did, but I finally figured it out.

I always imagined Tom Brady off the field was Jim Halpert.

So, like,

a smug, condescending dickhead?

No, he's just likable all hell, man.

You wouldn't like him if he were like, like, let's say you don't have any backup, you work at the office, and they're just pranking you, like, you're Dwight?

Like, you're not.

What makes you think I'm going to be Dwight?

Well, you're more of a standoffish guy.

You're not very social.

So maybe Creed?

I mean, you got to take your pick.

Yeah, I think, yeah, he didn't bother Creed.

You're not Kevin because he's too dumb.

Maybe Stanley.

You'd probably be Stanley because he's kind of curmudgeonly and be like, oh, this bullshit, these people.

I think Jim would get me out of my shell, though.

I think he would, like, me and him would just be like,

it'd be like bosom buddies.

Yeah, I've been trying for 45 years, but this fictional character would be be able to do it somehow.

I know Q told me he's been watching Westerns.

Oh, I saw that.

He's posting all over.

He's like, I don't know what everyone's so on John Wayne's case for.

Big deal.

The duke's all right in my book.

Oh, like you weren't thinking it.

The Duke will say what everyone's thinking, all right?

Have you ever watched a John Wayne movie?

Either one of you guys?

Have you ever watched one recently?

Not recently.

No, I haven't.

Yeah.

It's only because there was a devoid of major bankable stars back then, maybe there's like five.

Because they really suck.

It's such a time and place, right?

Like if the tough guy cowboy John Wayne type tried to like make a debut today,

I don't think he'd be taken seriously.

Unless he were like a wrestler, maybe, if that was his wrestling character.

Episode Q,

have you taken a deep dive into westerns?

Well, no,

I've been watching all of Clin Eastwood's

old ones.

And they are, every single one of them is fucking

great.

There's not a dud that I've run into so far.

I mean, I've only seen about six or seven of them.

If you had to recommend one, which one?

Oof, to you guys, I would say you should watch High Plan Strifter.

It's so fucked up

that we would have a lot to talk about if we looked at it.

It's the type of movie where he just, like a woman, like back talks him for a second.

So he drags her to a barn and then just rapes her.

And he's a good guy.

He's the lead of the movie.

Yeah, it's fucking insane.

And then the ending has like a twist to it that's that's fucking bonkers.

You want to watch it for next week, Walt?

I think I have it, Clint East, what Box said.

Yeah, so if I have it, I'll watch it.

Yeah.

Oh, cool.

I'll rewatch it.

Have you guys every all anyone wants to talk about is Tiger King?

Did you guys go ahead and watch it?

No.

I'm afraid, right?

I'm afraid.

Is there any cat abuse in that?

No.

I mean, it's like I won't watch the Luke Magnado one, the you don't fuck with cats or whatever, because I know there's some of that stuff in there, so I won't watch it.

In this one, you don't see anything in terms of abuse.

They talk about it in a general sense, that like you know it exists, but

and then some specifically, but it's not

proven or whatever.

It's just like hearsay type shit

from one person to another.

I don't know if everyone's making such a big deal about it because everyone's locked inside and they're like, what else can we get excited about?

Well, everyone else is excited about this Tiger King.

Because, like, I thought it was okay.

But

as far as being the

phenomenon, the newest sensation.

Yeah.

Did you watch it, Walt?

No, I mean, I've heard some people tell me they really like it.

Michelle told me he was watching it.

He said, you got to watch it.

But,

I mean,

yeah, I just, I just, I can only watch so much television at this point.

And, like, I feel it's,

it just kind of like

it can give me too much.

So I try not to watch that much TV, though.

Right.

Unless it's 70 shit, like, background stuff.

Because then you're not really watching it.

Yeah,

you nailed it right there.

Yeah.

And most of the time when the TV's on, almost all 99% of the time, it's background noise for me.

And I can't watch something like that with

demands my attention

on that much, you know, over the course of a day.

And I have ADD.

If I got some meds, I'll fix you right up.

Yeah, I mean, even

I have become tired of fucking TV.

I'm like, I don't want to watch any more of this shit.

I never thought I'd feel this way.

It took a pandemic for me to fucking turn my back on TV.

Oh, that is a lot.

I hooked up the virtual reality helmet, fired that up, went into hung, hung in a

like a virtual reality chat room with Jiggy and Joe Mbergio.

Went on the deck of the Titanic.

That was pretty exciting.

Went to an old West town and had a shootout with with a 14-year-old kid that

we then hung out with for another hour.

So it's been good over here.

Me, Joe, Giggy, and this team or pre-teen named Chef Linguine.

We all hung out together for quite a few hours.

It was exciting.

Now, does Chef Linguine know it's a queue of impractical jokers, or you don't tell him?

Doesn't know and

does not really seem to care at all either.

No.

Like, he's just doing his own thing.

Now, how real is the virtual reality?

Is it like something like on a level where I would be like,

I got to take a step back and be like, this is so fucking real, I cannot believe it.

No, not at all.

Where you lose your bearings and everything.

Well, you do lose your bearings.

You could do that pretty easily, yeah.

Because you are, I mean, you're you're aware that you're in a

you know, you're wearing the stupid thing on your head.

Nothing looks natural.

It doesn't, you don't, you don't believe you've been transported.

But when you take it off, sometimes like you're faith in the direction you didn't think you were facing.

Shit like that.

But yeah.

You're walking around or you're just talking to you, like you're having a conversation as 3D characters?

No, we're running the rental.

We're running back in the Titanic.

You got like a video game joystick where you control like almost like a first-person shooter.

How do you run?

You just go you just point in a direction.

Oh, okay.

You don't actually have to walk around your house though to move first.

No, you could do that.

Like I have the Vive,

which has the room one where I can walk around the room.

But you can only walk like four or five feet before you're going to hit the wall.

It doesn't really look, it's not really good for like open world type stuff.

If that makes sense.

Royland.

When I was talking to Royland he said that um

uh the like sickness like uh VR sickness is common like you have to get out of the room after a while because you just feel nauseous and shit does that happen to you

uh it has happened uh it does in the beginning but actually the last couple of days I haven't felt involved

yeah but uh but after a while your head hurt you know you're wearing the fucking stupid glasses you're doing all that shit like your head hurts after a while it's like wearing a helmet so you just gotta take it off and get out but it's like everything else right now i'll take any stupid thing fucking distract me for two seconds

let me get out of this world into another

yeah anything anything else yeah we were talking about going uh virtually fishing tonight we're gonna go fishing together uh

so all you guys you guys already had these helmets then

yeah we had them we we had them

virtually fishing huh

well yeah but what we just got all excited because we just found out that there's a uh there's a virtual strip club.

Is that an innuendo to find another 14-year-old?

Yeah, like P-H-I-S.

Hey, Chef Linguine.

We need you again.

Oh, he's a man, Chef Linguine, dude.

He was fun, man.

No, is he going fishing with you?

No, you know, I we didn't really I didn't I didn't really uh I didn't haven't really followed up with Jeff Lee Buini.

Some things, I guess, are better.

Did you say chef or Jeff?

No, chef, because his avatar, Walt, is

a chef.

A chef.

What would you do if you found out it was Mike?

He's a chef.

And you were in a VR.

It was a VR chip and

a customer.

Could you hear their voice You understand?

Like, they're talking.

You're all talking.

So I hear his voice.

He's clearly a child.

So he'd have to be putting on a voice, which would be shit.

He's pretending he's 14.

Maybe he works for like Chris Hansen, you know, like to catch a predator.

He's trying to lure you into his VR bedroom and shit.

Q, you,

I know you're a wrestling fan.

Did you watch the Royal Rumble thing?

I watched, yeah, I watched the pay-per-view, the last one, and WrestleMania's this weekend coming up.

They're still having it?

They're still having it, yeah, but there's no audience.

Whoa.

Yeah, it's going to be.

How's the atmosphere for that?

No audience.

It's not been good.

Oh, that's the one I'm talking about.

You've seen wrestling matches with no audience, right?

Yes.

Okay.

Well, even when we went, I thought it was really strange that people paid the most attention when the shit was up on those big screens, like highlights and stuff, and were much louder and cheering for that than they were for the actual matches that were going on.

Right.

You know?

Yeah, well.

And they never.

I think they're going to see.

Go ahead.

I'm sorry.

This is hard, too.

Like,

it's hard.

It's getting, you know, to try to get it, to figure out when to say something.

But, like, you know, that's the future of sporting events probably in the next c coming year.

Like, the NFL is not going to be able to put 100,000 people in the stadium back when the flu season begins again.

They're going to have to play

in front of an empty stadium, which is going to be a very surreal,

I guess, TV and

experience to watch a game where there's not one bit of crowd noise.

Yeah,

I think it's going to be fucking bizarre.

I mean, it's, I don't even know.

I mean, who knows?

I mean, I guess there's two ways you can look at it.

It's like, well, he shouldn't do it because you just, like, what's the point of it?

And the other point is it's like, well, but he's stuck in their home, man.

Thanks for doing it.

You know, so I don't know.

It doesn't feel like, yeah, I mean, it's just not the same, so why would I watch it?

Yeah.

Oh, I would kill for some football right now.

Oh.

Like some if like football season was now, I don't care if it was part of an empty stadium.

As long as I could watch a football game, yeah.

Yeah, there aren't there aren't any there aren't are there any sports going on?

And when you think about it, man, like there's no sports, right?

Which means all the sports betting places are like, oh, fuck, what do we do?

And even the mafia, because they take a lot of illegal bets.

So if there's no sports to bet on, these poor mafia guys must be taking a bit.

Who's thinking the mafia?

These poor bookies.

Oh, my God.

It's fucking crazy.

You know what's good, though?

We're not

nurses and fucking doctors right now who are undoubtedly in hell with

being on the front lines and being in the hospital and shit like that.

Like, fuck, man.

It's like, all right, I got to be bored in my house and just chill out for X amount of time.

But I'd rather be doing that than dealing with what they must be dealing with in hospitals right now.

It's got to be crazy.

I was talking to Eric the other day.

I did an interview with him for Patreon about the corona stuff.

And he said that there's an expectation that 80 to possibly 100% of people who are helping out now will eventually develop it.

You know, at some point they'll get sick.

Those aren't good odds.

Don't you think those same odds are for anybody eventually is going to get it through?

I mean, if you're coming into contact with people, that I mean, I guess it's just way more likely since it's like every person you talk to is

have you gone out, like, do you go to the store or anything, Walt?

Like, the grocery store?

Yeah, well, I went to the big outing last week, or was it yesterday?

I can't even tell last week or yesterday.

What month is it?

We were like, let's go.

We want Chick-fil-A.

We want Chick-fil-A.

So I was like, all right, so you got to go through a drive-through.

So the nearest Chick-fil-A is in Freehold, which is like a 40-minute drive.

So I was like, who cares?

Let's go.

Like, I'm up for that drive.

Let's do it.

What else are we doing?

I'm like, I'm on speed.

Yeah, yeah, I'll drive there.

And

so we drive there, and then the realization as we pulled into the big parking lot where the Chick-fil-A is, is that not only did we have that idea, but about a thousand people had that idea.

So it was an hour and 15-minute wait

to get to the Chick-fil-A window.

Oh, my God.

You're already there, so it's like,

you don't turn around, you just wait.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

That killed about three hours, that Chick-fil-A trip.

Hmm.

Yeah, because you can't even go to the one-on-one all.

No.

I've noticed that, you know, we got DoorDash here and there, that they found an all-new way to be incompetent, and that's if you put in the notes, like just leave the food at the door.

For some reason, they're incapable of reading that fucking note, and they just need to interact with you.

It's like motherfuckers.

You should put a sign on your door, too.

Yeah, yeah, I should.

Yeah, after the second person, I'm just like, for Christ's sakes.

Like, I want to yell at them through the window, but I'm always terrified that they're going to be like, oh, big former fucking TV fucking dickhead thinks he's hot shit.

Like, in the event that someone's like, oh, he was on TV a hundred years ago and he still thinks he's hot stuff.

You know, but it's like, no, I just don't, like, there's no reason for us to interact.

The tip's been taken care of.

Just, you know, fuck off.

But they won't.

They just won't.

They won't do it.

What have you been eating, Q?

Staying at home, cooking?

Yeah, I've been cooking a lot.

Actually, a lot of

trying to not eat so bad, you know?

But I've been cooking.

I haven't really been ordering it at all.

I just made some pasta with pesto for lunch today.

Look at you.

I don't know.

What about you, Walt?

Like, you guys eat out all the time.

Yeah, I've been doing all pasta action, man.

You guys are just eating pasta constantly?

Yeah.

So you're the one who cleared the shelves of the pasta.

It's unbelievable, though, like how cheap pasta is, right?

Oh, yeah, it's crazy.

Like a whole box, and you can eat it for like three days in a row, four days in a row, just the one box.

Walt, I was wondering, like, say it's like, I don't know, maybe nine o'clock, so everybody's still awake at your place.

White van pulls up.

A couple guys get out.

They have like the whole white get up, the CDC type shit.

Right.

And they start banging on your door.

Do you answer the door?

Yes.

You would answer the door.

Well, I would at least yell through the door, like, what do you want?

And they're like,

we need to speak to every occupant of the house.

Why?

And then, like, as you say, why, somebody's banging on the back door, like your slider.

Right?

So now it really looks like, you know, they're holding up badges.

It's the whole thing, right?

Do you eventually let them in?

I would have to think it was pretty desperate times for to have them at the front and the back door.

I would be like, well, fuck yeah, I want to find out what the hell they want from me.

So they come in and it's like,

and then one of the guys pulls his hat off, his whole helmet, and it's me, and I'm like, prank superstar.

Is that upsetting to you?

I'm like, I don't know.

I feel like, I was talking to Mary Beth about it.

I was like, I feel like it's unforgivable in this environment.

Yeah,

there's a new bar for what's forgivable now.

What's not forgivable.

Kids and wife are terrified.

They're like, do we have it, Dad?

You said we weren't going to get it.

I bet you we got it from Chick-fil-A.

So who'd you wrangle to get to the front door and the back door, though?

Well, you know, i've enlisted marybeth because what she's gonna do is say no

and say

yeah

you're like oh my god they've they've got a dwarf with them

they're pulling in anyone to help them

it would be kind of like a relief at the end though after that burst of adrenaline like really i should be thanked because you're like, oh my god, I am alive, you know?

To be honest, I would have thought maybe the CDC had heard Telm Steve Dave and knew that I was one of the early potential survivors, and maybe they were coming for my antibodies.

Oh, they're looking for some serum and shit.

Yeah, yeah, that would make sense.

So, the head of the CDC, weird sense of humor that he has,

heard in offhand comments.

Our tax money, you know, it's going to go to bailing people out of this thing.

People are going to get money, desperately needed money.

That's the good part.

And you're going to get your airlines because if you don't have your airlines, you know, what are you going to do?

You got to keep the country moving.

But people had asked for it like

StubHub.

Is there any

tickets for me or like concerts?

Scalpers, basically.

Yeah, scalpers.

Isn't it like the balls on you guys?

You motherfuckers.

Like, that is crazy.

How do you ask for that?

Like, with the, with the, the fees that you charge and as much as you let people resell them for, it's crazy.

Yeah, that's some big nuts right there.

Yeah, I looked for uh, Sage's Real into Taylor Swift, and

I mean, I guess I'm not sure if it would have been canceled or not because I can't remember when it was, but uh, Taylor Swift in Massachusetts, and like, I'm talking about seats that were not that great, like $1,100

for one seat.

And then you have all your stub hub fees, so that's added on another hundred or so.

And it's like, no,

who's gonna have to listen to the,

I mean, you're lucky I pay for Amazon Prime Music, so

forget that other shit.

That's crazy.

Do you have any tickets, Creek Q, for something coming up that you're like, oh man, I'm going to miss it?

It just happened.

Peewee's Playhouse on Broadway.

He's doing like the whole thing.

I had tickets to that last week.

That got canceled.

You know, I got my usual round of hair metal bullshit.

That must make you feel good that you're going to miss that.

Nah, man.

No.

You know what I pay to be to the hair metal concert right now?

Let me ask you guys your opinion because

this paperwork came in from my account

yesterday.

And I was like, I don't think I can do this, man.

Like, this is not.

But apparently I'm eligible

for unemployment.

So I got to submit the paperwork and I'll get like 500 bucks a week.

I mean, you've paid into it for how long?

I mean look

I think you know the answer or you wouldn't be asking the question.

You know the answer.

You I definitely know

why you need to hear it aloud.

I know

it's not shameful enough to even consider it for a moment in your own mind

I think you should be allowed to apply if you'd literally go to the office with your hat in your hand.

I mean, who would know, though?

Really, who would know?

I mean, aside from everyone else, no one would know.

Absolutely, no one would know.

I don't know because

I don't think it's coming back until at least May now.

Oh, yeah, that's what they said.

Somebody just said,

like, all of April is pretty much burned now.

I thought.

That's what they said.

So, what the fuck, another month?

Like, Virginia, Virginia's on hold until put us

to stay in shelter place till June 10th.

It's insanity.

They said shelter in place?

Yeah.

So you can't leave your house.

Oh, my God.

I think I'd,

I would rather be sick than sit in a house till June 10th.

Yeah, if you go out and get corona, at least you can go to the hospital and see some new people.

And

I guess it's like you can go out to the grocery store or whatever.

But if it's like, oh, I'm going to go out and shoot some hoops, they're like, oh, no, you're not.

No.

But I think when we come back, though, when they finally lift it, I believe it's going to be masks are mandatory

for everybody.

I believe it's going to look like China where, you know, a mask is a common thing, a sight to see.

I believe that is going to be.

We don't care about terrorists anymore.

Now we care about corona.

I think it's going to be.

I mean, if you don't have a mask and you're going to put a scarf on or something, but

they're going to want noses and mouths covered at least

for a little while when everything opens up.

Because you're right.

It's not like somebody's going to be like, all right, it's all gone.

And then we can celebrate and go out and no one will have it.

Yeah, you have to imagine it's like it's now safe because there's so few cases relative to what there were that we don't have to worry about becoming overwhelmed anymore right but they're gonna want some sort of like um

some safety there uh

to help prevent it and i mean i just read it today i mean it's coming down the line but there's no masks so maybe this whole thing is just fucking to get ahead of all the masks we're going to need right

could be they make custom masks too, you know?

Not just the little disposable ones.

I got the sweetest fucking Tom Steve Dave scarf that I'm going to be wearing around forever.

Oh, yeah.

I have that too.

That'll make it easy to breathe.

99-degree weather in July.

But you know what?

If anyone can do it, I think it's you.

I've seen you in sweatshirts and that kind of weather.

Yeah,

I don't know.

I've also read that the masks don't do that much, if anything, in terms of like breathing and spreading it around and shit.

it's mostly

that's ridiculous of course it does well not if the thing is too small right if the virus is so small that it doesn't contain it I think it's like more like let's say you touch something that then you don't inadvertently touch your mouth or your nose or something but the very fact that they're like you don't need masks you don't need masks people we need them for doctors I mean well that says it right there well they need it so obviously it must help it has to help there's no that that was just like that was just some bullshit they put out there so nobody fucking hoarded all the masks.

Yeah, well, they said it a little late.

Yeah, well, I mean, this guy's saying it's not a guarantee against infection.

All right, but if it's any preventative thing, unless it's completely ridiculous kind of thing,

like why not?

Yeah, if it stops you because, you know, you touched somebody who had it, and then you would have touched your nose or your mouth, and then you didn't, fuck it then.

But, I mean, how long are you willing to wear that shit around for?

No, I don't think you're going to have a choice.

I think you're going to have to wear it.

If you don't wear it, you're going to be given a fine or something.

Oh, yeah.

I believe it's headed that way.

Yeah, they have to.

They have to, like, if you're going to open it up, then we're going to have to make some like, what's it called, concessions, the public.

And one of them is going to be, you, if you're out, and you're, especially if you're out and you're doing business, like you're going to open up America again, got to wear masks.

Yeah, well, I guess if you wear it on, what'd you say?

I'll wear it.

I'll wear it right now, man.

I'll wear it.

I'll sleep with it on.

I don't care.

Well, if they're like, hey, you know, you're going to shelter in place, and if you want to go out, this is what you got to do.

Yeah, it doesn't seem that much to ask of someone.

But you know what?

It is a lot to ask of people because people cannot.

I've never seen people more interested in shooting baskets or riding their bikes or any of this other active shit that you never see anyone do.

otherwise.

Now they just can't wait to do it.

You know, now they've got to play basketball.

Because there's nothing else to do.

I mean, all the other options are off the table.

Sit and wait, just like everybody else.

Go out there.

Just

be patient, goddamn it.

Do you think all this indoor time is

driving people to their more primal state?

Like

people are banging more and stuff?

Have you seen an uptick, Walt?

No, no,

because, like I said, I mean, up until recently, I was pretty

deflated and pretty

flat-lined.

I was pretty bad.

I was not really,

my mind was anywhere but here

I was probably my most lowest state I can remember in quite some time.

And I mean only recently

just time, just the realization that like you can't do anything about it.

So why sit here

just

thinking about it over and over and over and over again?

It's just like it's

yeah, so and it wasn't like I made the decision.

I was like, boom, that's it.

It took time slowly, but came out of that funk.

But

even like, even when they announced that it was extending,

like

in my gut, I knew they were going to extend it anyway, so it really didn't deflate me as much as I thought it was going to deflate me.

No, you knew it was coming.

Right.

What What are you going to do?

Have you been walking around in your Miundis?

Because we had an ad, huh?

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Today I had a very old pair of Miundis, and Sage wanted to play a ladybug and cat noir.

It's this kids' show

cartoon.

So she has a ladybug outfit.

I'm all in black cat noir, and we didn't have our masks.

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So cut up an old black pair of meundis,

use it as a mask.

Yeah,

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It's desperate times.

Michael's isn't open.

I can't go get this domino mask.

So I'm like, Sage, put my dirty underwear on your face.

Any other article of club clothing other than underwear that I would wear on my face.

Didn't we have that like that high-end shirts?

Those what were those shirts, those untucked shirts for like the second we had that in?

I would have cut up that shirt, the movie I got from them, or I cut up a pair of underwear to wear on my face.

I don't know, they look pretty good.

I mean, it really, when I was making these masks, I'm like, I cannot believe how uncoordinated I am and like how poor my fine coordination is.

I'm like trying to cut the eyes out and like my, I can't keep my hands still and shit.

I'm like, oh, I'm old.

You think it's age?

I don't know.

It's probably that plus the aterol shakes plus low blood sugar because I don't eat whatever.

I don't know.

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The primal stuff I was asking, I saw that,

Q, do you follow MMA or just wrestling?

Mostly wrestling.

I'm aware of MMA, but I'm not really one of the guys that liked it.

It's not flamboyant enough for you.

I like things a little more flamboyant, man.

Like you like the storylines, right?

Because there's no storylines in MMA.

Well, I don't really like people getting, watching people get the shit kicked out of them.

I mean, really?

I think that had to be

the initial, though, draw to wrestling was that you thought it was real, though, right?

So you thought it was, they were really getting the shit kicked out of them, right?

Well, I mean, I was like five.

You know?

There's

Paige Van Zandt and Austin Vanderford.

I'm not sure.

I don't know a lot about UFC type stuff, but they've started an Instagram thing where they've been cooking naked and working out naked, but like not, you don't really see everything, but you know, like she's in

an apron or something, you know, and he's holding things in front of him strategically.

Is that

is that something either you guys may consider?

I mean, they had a lot of likes on that page.

You know, like just an apron queue.

If you're just cooking in an apron,

you know a lot of IJ fangirls would go wild.

Dude, I don't think you're going to be seeing that from me anytime soon.

No, not in that.

Nah, you know what?

I don't really.

And nothing against anybody that is doing it, but

I'm really struggling with

putting, like, trying to get attention

or

trying to get people to notice things that I'm doing

now.

And I'm not saying, like, like people, you know, a lot of people are doing shit just to make people, you know, give people something to watch and shit like that.

But I don't know.

I'm having a real difficult time.

Like, I was supposed to launch that radio show that I was supposed to be doing for the beer company

this week, and I'm like, I don't really want to put it out now because I don't want to I don't know it just feels cheesy but yeah I definitely hear what you're saying yeah but I think people need the trivial more than ever no

I know that's that's the argument I guess they're trying to get us like we keep getting offers to do like television shows from home type stuff

and I just keep turning them down because I'm just like I don't know man I can I don't know if I want to

like do it I don't want to put on an apron and fucking stand there and pretend to cook naked kitchen.

It just doesn't feel fun yet.

You know what I mean?

And it's like, so then what am I doing it for?

Like, why would I do it?

Right.

You know, I don't know, man.

I'm really bummed out.

So,

no.

You're not into it.

Yeah.

Nah.

But I don't blame other people.

Everybody processes things their own way.

If I had an MMA body, yes.

Then you do it.

If I have a comic book man body, no.

Yeah,

it does seem to, you know, I'm looking at the picture and

I feel like I don't look like this guy and have never looked like this guy

and never will look like this guy.

That's your go-to

when you're that chisel.

You're like, I got to get everybody to see how every bit of my muscles.

Oh, yeah.

People are dying.

I should take this shirt off, right?

But it's funny because he also has flour on his face because he's cooking with his girl.

You know how when you cook with your girl, you get flour all over your face.

Yeah.

But what does this have?

137,000 likes.

I don't know if likes makes you money, probably, right?

Yeah.

I don't know.

That I don't know.

Should I go for it?

Try to raise a little bit more,

try to draw a little bit more attention to Telum Steve Dave and just do some naked cooking.

Like I'll have I'll have like a cooking accident.

I'll stage it.

So like

I get, I constantly get like some somehow I always find a way to get some hot liquid on my groin.

I tented can of peaches or something that

gave you some bulinia or something.

Oh, botulism, yeah.

Yeah, I'm like,

follow my final days as I die from not corona, but botulism from bad peaches.

Man dies from bad peaches.

No one cares.

5,000 more cases of coronavirus.

i've been doing uh our sage has been doing this thing called uh

called uh google hangout

uh like the school they've started to do like i guess every couple days they'll do like uh do you know what google hangout is walt

I imagine it's like a like a virtual place where all the kids hang out in a chat room.

Yeah, it's like a streaming thing, and there's the teacher.

She's in the main window.

yeah exactly it's the teacher uh she's in the main window and then on the sidebar you have different students and like i guess whenever they talk they appear in the center square

so

what you have is like i mean how many kids are in that class seven or eight i think marybeth is sitting here oh twelve kids yeah um

and uh

So you have all these special needs kids who are like, as soon as it goes on, they're waving at each other and and going crazy, but they all have like ticks and shit.

Like, you know, Sage is constantly like, she doesn't realize it.

I'll be executing.

Like, if she gets overly excited, she'll be like, ah, ah, like, she'll make this noise.

So then her making that noise would light up, like, would make her in the center square.

But then, when you have 11 other special needs kids with ticks and all talking at the same time, I'm looking at the screen.

I'm like, how do they do it?

Like, I'm about to have a fucking seizure.

Like, I'm watching like Pokemon on TV or some shit.

I'm like, I don't know how they get anything anything done, but I don't know.

It seems to work.

Mary Beth is here.

She has

a Johnson household update because I think we're doing pretty well to me.

To me,

my phone

is it on?

Yeah, there you go.

Just lean into it.

So

if you guys have any questions.

about what it's like to be locked up, basically sheltered in place, because I don't go anywhere.

I don't think Sage has been out of the house in like three weeks.

Like, she doesn't want to go anywhere, she doesn't care.

Right.

And Marybeth goes to the grocery store mostly.

So

that's what we're looking at here.

Do you have anything interesting to report?

Mary Beth?

Well, it has been going pretty well, I'd say.

There's only been a couple threats of killing,

and that is Brian threatening to kill Princess Mitch.

Oh, Q, do you threaten to kill your cat sometimes?

Not once ever.

Have I threatened to kill?

I'm just going to cut that out.

You said that.

I'm going to plug in a yes from somewhere else.

So no.

But what if one of your cats shit all over your paperwork for no reason?

They do it constantly.

How does it not do it?

Are your cats not trained to go in a litter box?

No, they are and have been.

What?

Gosh.

She's trained, but when you leave stuff by the litter box, then she gets afraid of it.

Well, Brian, why are you writing?

Why are you writing down her litter box?

No, no, no.

I would think there'd be the last place you'd be like, okay, just set up down here.

No, no.

The papers are downstairs.

Yeah, you've been in it.

It's not big.

No, no, no.

The litter box is upstairs.

And the thing she's referring to is, I fucking dared put a shampoo bottle on top of the litter box.

So the cat's like, oh, that's different and weird.

I have to go fucking shit on his paperwork now.

It's like, I don't understand the mentality of a fucking animal that does that kind of thing.

So I get frustrated because I needed those papers.

So yeah, of course I'm going to flip out and ruin the ball.

What sort of an asshole puts a shampoo bottle on another man's toilet.

Yeah, I guess so.

And then papers where he knows I'm going to see him and probably take a shit out of him.

Like, you cut off my balls and lock me indoors.

Yeah.

And then this is the expectation is that I'm grateful.

Right.

Like, what are you doing?

Like, what was I got to say?

Oh,

I thought

you were describing our current situation.

Oh, that's me?

No, no, I meant like the whole, like, all of America, you cut off my walls.

I mean, I guess I could have been, right?

Yeah.

Wow.

Poetic.

So one threat of killing.

That's not bad.

It wasn't even a human.

But Princess Mitch has been the source of the tension, I guess.

I even cleaned up the cat shit.

And then Brian decided to clean up the entire living room, blocking the entire downstairs, really.

Yeah, my response to her shitting on the floor was tearing the entire living room up, moving everything out, sterilizing and

vacing.

What's that?

The abyssal fucking.

Let me tell you something.

Don't fucking buy this.

Abyssal

two times.

It's the pet one, the two times something or other pet one heat.

Pet steam cleaner.

What a piece of shit.

It's like you fucking go to like do the steam cleaning and the water comes out, but it doesn't suck it back up.

I put like four fucking gallons of water on the floor and like like one cup of water comes up.

So now I got to fucking put fans on the rug for the next 24 hours.

That's what I got to deal with, because this cat shits all over the place.

Because a shampoo bottle.

Because a shampoo.

Well, let me ask you something.

If Debbie happened to place a shampoo bottle on the toilet tank, would you then go and shit on her paperwork?

No, but I mean.

But

if Cooper had an accident, though,

I mean, he would just all he has to do is just look at me and I would just be like, oh, that's the cutest piece of pile of dog crap I've ever seen.

Let's take a picture of it before we clean it up.

Elise Frenchie has a new picture of it, finally.

I think that's pretty good, though, for a week, especially like locked up and stuff, you know.

Yeah, I didn't kill her.

I was going to keep a tally of all the stuff you destroyed, but I mean, the list is empty.

Yeah, I didn't destroy anything.

I I think my medication's working a little bit.

Yeah, that's getting there.

I don't know if you want that medication to work too much, DJ, because it sounds like Mary Beth is into this sort of behavior.

Oh, she likes the edge, the unpredictability.

That's what I'm picking up from her tone right now.

Like, she's sounding like

she doesn't sound very disapproving.

Yeah, I mean, the living room is.

Yeah, I know.

She's probably scooping shit out of the litter box and then putting it on rooms, like putting it in rooms she wants cleaned.

That's not bad, though.

Anything else?

That's it?

No.

Friend to kill a cat.

No, speaking of shit,

Sage

always eats an egg sandwich in the morning.

I don't like where this is going.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

Sage, no!

No, she always gets an egg sandwich.

And since the grocery store has been low on bagels,

I saw that they had a few rainbow bagels, so I thought I would be the best, bestie ever, and got Sage a rainbow bagel, which I thought she would love.

There's a multicolored bagel with food dye in it.

Just pretty.

And so I got one for her, and she loved it.

She ate the sandwich.

And then she came in.

Wait, hold on.

Uh-oh.

I know where this is is going with a whole light-colored bagel, but it did not agree, I imagine.

As much as

it tickled the eyes, probably not the stomach.

Oh, no, the stomach wasn't too bad, but she was mad afterwards.

No, she came in frantic.

It was like, dada, my poop is green.

But mad.

Oh, yeah.

And then it was as if I had tricked her.

Like, I did it to her on purpose.

Because you're like, oh, I think it's probably the

bagel.

And then she's like, was it now?

Not in those words, but like, now, then she had her eye.

Yeah, she had her eye out.

I've been around her for so long that

it doesn't really occur to me when she's making noise and shit anymore, Sage.

It seems to still occur to Mary Beth.

Oh my God.

And And she's not quiet about it either.

She's like downstairs screaming, making noises, playing constantly, constantly.

I have this recording that I

for you guys.

This is Sage downstairs by herself.

Lord.

Okay, it should be to you any second.

Damn, Benjamin.

He wants attention.

Yeah, he's having a rough week.

Well,

they said that

pets are ready for people to go back to work now.

They've had enough.

They were happy at first, but now they probably

are stressed that the humans are home so much now.

Really?

Yeah, I've seen evidence

of that around here.

The cats are starting to act a little weird.

But Paul Benjamin had a seizure the other night, which he's never had before.

Really?

Oh, it was like the scariest fucking thing, man.

Like, he just, it was exactly what you think, like, with humans when they have fucking foaming mouth seizures and they all tighten up and shit.

It was that, but a cat.

It was like so scary.

What brings that on?

Well, he's old now.

He's 16.

So

it's like the degenerative thing where they can get one and they can never get it again, or they can do it, like, every few months and stuff like that.

But

I talked to my vet, and he's like, a sign uh, aside from a sign of him getting older, he's like, you know, he's like it's not serious until unless it starts happening like frequently and over and over again when everything calms down and shit there are actually cat neurologists I found out I'm gonna go talk to one about it but oh dude I was like I was watching him flop on the floor and I was I got down I was holding him and I was just trying to like stroke his you know make him feel better while he was going through it and I was like I was like so heartbroken.

I was like, he's dying.

He's dying.

He's going to die.

Did you know what it was?

I mean, I knew what a sea.

Yeah, I've seen seizures before from when i was in the fire department we used to go to calls and stuff but um

i knew what it was i just didn't know if it was gonna kill him or not

yeah so it was it was really really bad man it was bad and then he came out and you could tell he didn't know where he was and he couldn't use his back legs like his back legs weren't working and then

And then like within within two minutes,

he had a shaky back legs and his eyes were starting to like close up a little bit.

And then 20 minutes later, it was like it never happened.

It was great now.

Yeah, it was really nuts.

So I've been having a great week.

Pam and Edgar's last dog, she used to have seizures, and they, the vet prescribed this suppository that, like, if the dog had a seizure, they had to jam it up its butt, and like,

she would come out of it in a few minutes.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

That's got to be a two-person procedure, right?

Because if the cat's or the dog is flopping all around, you need someone to hold the butt still, right?

No, you're going to have to do both, Q.

I would do it.

I mean, I would do anything you needed.

Well, yeah, a cat, I would think, would be easier.

Only because it's smaller, but like if you have like a if you have a big like great dean,

could you imagine like like trying to get the the medicine where it has to go while it's while it's convulsing.

Yeah, that would probably not be great.

That's like

calling shotgun, right?

Your dog goes to a secure, and it's you and your wife.

Basically, shotgun is equivalent to I'm holding your jam and up yes.

Well, I would definitely be like, I would be like, I would hold the button because I don't want to put it.

Even though I probably got this that year of the hands,

yeah, I probably would, I probably would be like, let me, you do that part.

That's like, I mean, that's.

Too straight.

I can't do it.

I'm too straight.

Exactly.

It's just too homo erotic.

I've been locked up that long.

So Mary Beth has some of this rambling.

doll.

You my hat.

You

know what I'm done?

That's from upstairs?

That's from upstairs, and she's downstairs, yeah.

If you I'm not sure if you caught it, but she was mad that someone had taken her haunted doll.

And is that what it sounded like?

No.

What was it?

I'm the boss.

That I heard.

Something in my house.

She was mad that a haunted doll was taken from her house.

Oh, okay.

But she's having an imaginary argument with someone.

Right.

Now, if I do that.

I'm the asshole.

Do you remember Bri Shanique?

Oh, yeah.

Isn't it eerie how

that girl, that little girl had, I would think the same thing, right?

She had Down syndrome, yep.

Same exact thing as Sage, right?

Yep.

And that little girl would come to the community center and she would, I mean, she would do that.

I mean, it's eerily similar and sounds exactly the same

of where they go

to wherever they're going and they just have these conversations.

She would play school, remember?

She would just play school for hours.

But she would be always be yelling at the kids that was like the imaginary kids.

She was always mad at the imaginary kids that were like, whatever she was playing with.

It sounds so similar to that.

And Sage is very dramatic, like Shadik was.

Whenever Shadik came to the beach, I saved her four to five times from drowning, you know, quote-unquote drama.

But you're right.

Yeah, she would go on and on and on and not stop.

And that's the way Sage is.

It's like

there's got to be something like that is, I guess, pretty commonplace.

Yeah, I think so, but she gets real worked up at times where, like, I mean, she's shouting

to a point where I can go in the room.

I'm like, calm down.

Well, she is a Johnson.

Yeah, it's true.

I'm like, what did they do?

I got your back.

Let's get him.

Let's break a goddamn door down to warm up.

The bloodline remains true.

So, so do you feel you're used to it yet, or are you still no,

no,

like, because I don't really hear it anymore, unless it's like gets real loud.

I don't really hear it anymore.

It's constant, it's constant, yeah,

yeah.

She never stops, no matter when she gets up or when she goes to bed, unless she's supposed to be sleeping, and then she knows to be quiet, yeah.

You know what I've been doing, man,

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Q, when you went in, when you used to, when you're a fireman

and you went into a place that, you know, had burned or whatever, and you saw like

when Giddam's place went up, he didn't really have a firebox, right?

That's why his money burned up, or he had

a firebox that was not that good.

It was like a firebox, but there was nothing of value kept in the firebox.

Right.

His money he kept out of the firebox for some reason.

Which is strange that he had a firebox but chose not to keep the most valuable things he had in it.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Fucking bad.

That would make me question the 148.

Oh, that would be the other thing you should probably.

It's like, okay, let me keep my bubblegum wrappers and

my trinkets or whatever, but let me keep my money underneath the couch.

Yeah.

I mean, a lovely guy, but, you know,

when you wake up.

I don't know how he's holding up.

Oh, my God.

I haven't really talked to him.

Just a few texts here and there.

I know he's been going into the store to like clean up.

He and Mike go in there to

straighten it up and shit or something.

But

when you went in there and you saw a fire, if you saw somebody with a lame firebox versus a really good one, would you judge them?

Like, would you be like, oh, stupid ass.

You should have just paid a little extra.

No, not really.

No.

I don't think we would have really seen him that much.

No?

Like, usually shit like that.

Did you see the inside of Kenneth's house?

I mean, it's just black and mushy.

Oh, really?

Before, before or after the fire.

He had some serious black mold problem.

Maybe

he had a 148 intellect.

Yeah, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I never really judged too harshly people's houses when they got burnt.

No, you weren't.

Did I ask a stupid question?

No, not really.

Ask a former fireman a stupid question, though.

Yeah, please.

If there's a box that can protect from fire,

why don't they just build the walls out of that box?

Well, you could build a fireplace.

You don't need the box.

You could just make the walls out of cinder blocks, and it wouldn't be flammable.

But no one does, though.

Sure, of course they do.

Well, I think the wood

build the entire house.

The frames are so, I mean, the frames are way cheaper.

No, no, no.

Wood frame houses are wood frame houses.

But there are, I mean, look at projects and shit in Manhattan.

Those aren't wood.

Those are all cinderblock.

Oh, so they can never burn down?

No, no.

In fact, when the old ones out on

a governor's island, before they tore them down, we would put bales of hay in the actual rooms and shit, light them up, and drill in there.

Yeah.

It's shit inside the walls.

It's not even the

couch.

It's the Christmas tree.

I mean, in a wood frame,

the walls will burn too, but obviously.

Do you ever see anything cool when you went into a...

Not cool, but like, oh, man, that sucks that that got burned up for this person.

Oh, yeah, we had a fire once where this guy had a sports memorabilia collection, but like one of those ones where he just went overboard.

You know what I mean?

Like probably something Jeff didn't accomplish it.

And

it was like he lost it all.

And it was just, it was all, you could just tell it was all expensive shit, like old shit, signed shit.

It was, it was pretty, pretty, pretty heartbreaking to see.

And the guy was pretty upset, too.

I just have this visual of him standing in the yard holding a signed baseball and feeling like he wanted to cry.

You're on your way out, both of you guys, with something that's not living.

You know, like your cats are already out, your dogs are already out, your kids and wife are already out, everybody's fine.

But you're going to go for that one item.

What is it that you run back for?

I mean, probably my laptop off the top of my head, but

wow, but take it aside, but like a practical thing like that.

I wonder what I have in here that's like my grandparents

or something like that.

I don't know.

That's a good question.

Joker's cruise for memorabilia.

I kick over my grandfather's war medals to get

a Joker's coaster.

What about you, Walt?

You got a lot of stuff.

Oh, my God.

You got a lot of stuff?

Yeah.

How do you make a decision?

It would be impossible to to make that decision.

I would just grab whatever

the whole place collapses on you.

Yeah.

Why are you presenting

this choice to us?

No,

that just came up, but I have an awesome Firebox and Mary Beth sucks, so I was just wondering.

Her Firebox has a very low rating.

Like, it could only last in a fire for like, what, an hour and a half or something.

How come she is not allowed to share your Firebox?

Well, she could have, but she had hers first.

What are you talking about?

What are you giving me that look for?

You know it's true.

My Firebox could, like, Satan himself could own it.

That's how long it could be in fire.

The shitty Firebox was your own Firebox, not mine.

Oh, that was my Firebox.

Well, that's on you then, to take a hand-me-down Firebox.

See, I learned.

That wasn't mine.

Mine's completely different.

Mine's great.

Isn't it crazy that they sell shitty Fireboxes, though?

Like, shouldn't all fireboxes be up to a certain like, you know, be fireproof?

There shouldn't be ones that are better than others.

Yeah, the same.

Yeah.

Oh, I guess if you want to pay more.

Well, they're like, if my house burns, I mean, is it really going to burn for more than two hours?

Probably not.

So maybe that's why.

And then it's like, then it's like, you know, the next level is like waterproof.

Do you want to make sure that, you know, when Q and his fucking hose happy buddies come in and fucking spray all your possessions down?

Yeah, get fucking spat.

Oh my god, I got his fucking football all wet.

That was a picture of him and his grandpa in a Mickey Mantle card.

Did you see that shit disintegrate?

That's how I like to think of you putting out fires.

I mean, there have been times.

The sociopathic joy.

So what do you have planned for the next?

Do you plan anything now?

Like, what, like, do you, do you structure your day?

Because I think that's what bothers some people is, like, it's not that they're home and

sheltered or whatever the fuck it's like.

A lot of people need and like structure.

Oh, yeah.

So maybe that's like a thing, you know?

I think that's a big factor for a lot of people, myself included, that that's why it was so

difficult

initially.

But

I think that I think that guy like Giddam, like he needs that structure too.

I think it was hard.

That's why he continues to go to the store and just

chill out in there.

That and the fact that he's living with somebody that,

you know, he's still

not on his own yet.

He's living with a friend who took him in after the fire.

So it's like, do you want to spend every waking moment with them until this is over?

So obviously I understand totally why he's like, I'm just going to hang out at the store.

Like I'm going to work as usual.

Yeah.

Right.

Like how in Dawn of the Dead, all the zombies went back to the mall.

Yeah, yeah.

People really want to just sort of carry on with their usual behavior because they don't know anything else.

And nobody wants to talk about anything other than corona.

It's like, it's only been a month.

Like, what was everyone talking about before that shit?

It's like, I think it's a good thing.

Dude,

it's the biggest story of our lifetime, I think.

Oh, no, no, no, I get it.

I get it, but it just seems like nothing else is happening.

And maybe it isn't.

Yeah.

I mean, I hear UFC people are cooking naked.

That's something.

Yeah, maybe we do need more of that shit after all.

I think so.

I think that a lot of the

cam girls and that sort of thing, you know, like online stuff has picked up because nobody can go to their regular escorts, maybe.

So, the yeah, I think so.

Like, some of my employees that work for me, obviously, at the first sign of fighting

I can't even get it out.

You would say, obviously, at the first sign of financial distress, I cut them all loose.

They're cam girling, but I couldn't even get it out.

You know, the best I can do is subscribe if you become a cam girl.

Like, sorry, Alan.

You'll make a fine cam girl.

Trust me.

You know, send me a link.

Anyway,

discount code.

Yeah.

Q25.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.