#425: Prince Bry of Monaco

I know better than you do.

You're a schlub.

I am a schlub.

No, no, you think you're just

a little bit of a drink.

We are

turning over a new leaf and going to be sucking much, Dick.

You're getting the Tell him Steve Dave Golden Tampon for this week.

Congratulations.

Sucking much, Dick.

Tell Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve, Dave.

Boys, we've got a lot to get to today.

Big episode.

Big episode.

We got to start out with a recent live show that we had, which is very rare.

We did?

Sunday, Jeff.

Oh, you guys.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Because I want to get your opinion on something.

My opinion.

Yes.

Okay.

If you had a friend.

The show went great.

Show went really well, I thought.

No, that was my opinion.

Oh, you saw it?

No.

I was being supportive.

Oh, okay.

I like that.

I do the same for you.

Thanks, Mud.

I thought it went pretty well.

I thought Sunday Jeff handled himself real well.

I thought everybody was very cool.

Yeah, everybody's really cool.

There were some moments where I saw him look at me like, you know, like

a seal.

Dev's getting clubbed and

looking for someone to save.

Sunday the baby seal.

Yeah, he got hammered.

The show went pretty smoothly.

A lot of people there.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

What did you guys do?

We rented a space over in

Red Bank Rehearsal, I think, or something, somewhere.

But we didn't really, we didn't, it was for free, the show, and we didn't really even organize it.

It was one of the ants on Facebook got it all together.

Okay.

And we just kind of were like, we'll show up.

We'll do it.

You guys can watch.

But we didn't organize it.

So if anybody's wondering, like, well, how come we didn't announce it?

How come we didn't do anything?

Well, because we let somebody else handle the.

was it sold out uh well we limited it to 30 people oh so it's sold out yeah yeah nice uh and there was no sale like nobody got charged or anything but it filled up yeah uh but i wanted to ask you about like would if you had a friend who was like this what how would you handle it would you uh seek out psychiatric help on their behalf

if you had a guy who has 30 chairs in his car, right?

And there's two places you can park.

One of them is right next to the door because you have to carry 30 chairs up a flight of stairs.

One is literally a block away, this other parking place.

Not a New York block.

Not a New York block, but I would say a good couple hundred feet.

What was your reasoning?

I don't know.

We could ask him.

But I said, hey, there's a space up there.

Why don't you pull the car up there?

And we could just unload them like right to the door.

And this person is like, nah,

I'm not going to do that.

And I'm like,

load them all and then go park a block away.

It's still better.

Give me your keys.

I'll do it.

No, I'll just carry them.

Which I know is a way to be like, fuck you, help me carry them from here.

This is get him.

It's not kidding.

This can't be Walt.

It's another guy who is definitely on the spectrum.

And

I want to know the reasoning because it stymied me.

I didn't fight it.

I just asked everybody, but can you guys go down there and get all these chairs so we can get this shit done?

Because he wants me to pull up where there's like, you know, what looks like, it's only 30 people, but it looks like 100 people.

Pull right up and

not hit them.

Yeah.

Not hit them.

Can you imagine that?

And not and just start then like unloading chairs, you know, for everyone's.

Why are you unloading the chairs?

Like, if somebody threw this together, that's the first question.

Well, who else is going to do it?

Whoever threw the fucking event.

Well, I guess that would, well, I, my responsibility was to get, you know,

the performers there.

And the chairs.

And the chairs.

Yeah, and the chairs.

I got the space, then everybody came.

But the reluctance to just move a car, were you afraid you might hit people?

Yeah, plus, I already have my spot.

I had a good spot.

But there was fucking 500 spots next to it.

It's not like, oh, this was rock star parking.

That is not true.

There was enough spots.

Yeah.

I had put my tires where I wanted them.

And I had to.

Well, you make it life harder on yourself.

And everyone around them.

Well, there was like five five or ten guys walk down your area.

It's like because I recruited them.

It was going to be just me and you.

Oh, I would have recruited some people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was, yeah, we had enough people there.

It's not a big deal.

Yeah, I'm surprised you're still thinking about it.

I just couldn't believe it.

All of this going on in your life, I couldn't believe it.

The lack of interest in being like, we can make it a thousand times easier if you will just bend a little and move this fucking car over there.

He's like, nah.

Like, all right, let's just do it.

I don't like it.

No need.

Because it got done.

It got done a different way.

I guess, yeah.

Maybe I'm the one who needs to go.

You may not agree with that way, but that's, you know, America is a melting pot, bud.

I'm not really comfortable in like having aunts see me drive either, no.

Okay.

It's a very vulnerable activity for me.

I don't know why.

I feel it's.

He does it in the nude.

It's a personal thing.

I just feel like it's like when I see somebody that I've never seen, like somebody I'm friends with or close to.

When I see them driving, isn't it weird?

Yeah, I agree with that.

It's so strange.

It's just like, whoa, it's like watching them sleep.

Yeah, like if you haven't known somebody for a long time and you have a casual acquaintance with and you see see them drive, yeah, you're right, it is, it is exactly.

I agree with you.

I'm glad you parked where you parked.

I didn't want anybody to see me driving, it's like showing them my belly.

Yeah, you're like, oh, so I'm some sort of fucking like beta bitch that's gonna show up and carry chairs for your asses.

Fuck you guys, watch this, and then he's got him on both shoulders, carry him around.

Um, I've the other bit of news was um, when we last uh left off, I had broken a second door and was told that Ernie, you know,

Ernie was going to fix it.

The man.

The guy.

So Ernie comes over.

Ernie from O'Donnell, Ernie, Rick Darris,

does all the, like, constructs all this shit around here.

He's a talented guy.

Handy.

Oh, real handy.

And D, man.

I mean,

you don't want your girl around when Ernie comes in and he's going to do a repair because you're like...

Oh, I've had him come into my house.

I mean, I've had him do fucking shit that is like where he basically should have changed my tampon after he did it

because it's fucked up.

I couldn't get up high enough.

I didn't have a tall enough ladder to change a light bulb.

So I had to, my wife had to ask him to change a light bulb for me.

Yeah.

That's a rough one.

Because I was just about to tell a tale of

bitchery.

So I get, I go and buy the door myself.

It's just a simple bedroom door that you have that you put on to the hinges, but you got to cut it because it's too long.

I tried to cut it the first time.

I fucked it up.

So Ernie comes the second time, and I'm like, I'm going to help.

I'll help him.

I'll at least be his assistant.

Why?

Because I'm like.

You're trying to get a break on the price?

Yeah, I'm like, you know, how much of a discount can I get?

You know, he doesn't need any help.

This is like you fucking bugging me about the chairs.

Yeah.

Go fucking watch TV, bro.

I was told almost as much

because I'm talking to Ernie and I'm like, hey, do you want me to take the holder off this door so you can cut it?

And he's like, hold her, what do you mean?

And I'm like, you know, the frame it comes in.

I was like, it's kind of cool.

Like, it comes

like the way they ship the door so it doesn't get wrecked is they ship it inside a door frame.

I know that.

The last one, I was like, it was awesome.

Like, I cut it up so I could use it for like to level stuff and like I use it for kindling.

I was like, I got more kindling.

And he's just like, that's not a holder.

He's like, that's part of the door.

That's the frame.

Yeah, I didn't know that.

I didn't know that.

I feel fucking like I should give you my tampon.

I no longer need it anyway when I'm in the room.

You're getting the telec Dave golden tampon for this week.

Congratulations.

I'm so excited to be like,

can I wreck the door?

I'm like, can I wreck this door too?

And then Mary Beth is like, she hears all this and she hears me helping and she's like,

no more helping.

She goes, go outside and read and just let them do it.

And I was banned from helping.

There's no more, there's no more projects.

There's no more handy.

What do you want to mess around with that?

I don't, but I thought I was at least good enough to be an assistant.

But then when he's like, hold her, what do you mean?

And then when he's explaining it, I'm like, that does make sense that that would be a part of the door.

Because I'm like, can't you just put it on?

And that's eventually what he did.

He's like, well, do you want me to take all this shit out?

But I'm like, it's the crooked house.

I'm like, I don't give a fuck.

No.

That's good kindling.

And that's perfectly good kindling.

Are we going to fucking make this shithole nicer?

No, I'd rather burn it.

Because you're saying they just take the door off the hinges, put new hinges in the existing framework,

and have fun.

That's it.

There you go.

It doesn't really.

I mean, he did a great job.

And he also re-hung, like, I kicked off three cabinet doors in Fury, like, so he replaced all them.

So it's looking

habitable.

I got a quote for you.

Oh, yeah.

About anger.

I've given this one.

I found, I mean, we haven't been able to get it.

Don't make me angry.

When I'm angry.

You know, I collect quotes, right, Q?

I do know

you have collected

meaningful phrases, Tim Tebow quotes, but this one's on a Tim Tebow quote.

Pussy, who needs it?

Oh, here we go.

This is beautiful.

And it's like it's really, you need to tattoo it somewhere in your body.

Go ahead.

You don't get anything for nothing.

Everything has to be earned.

through work,

persistence, and honesty.

And

getting angry doesn't solve anything.

The legendary Grace Kelly.

Grace Kelly.

So a picture of poison.

And I'm like, yeah,

me and her.

We're the same.

Of course, she doesn't have to get angry.

She's a gorgeous golden age movie star.

So you're saying.

I'm a guy who's not even fit to fucking assist a handyman.

So I'm just saying she's privileged.

Is that why privileged?

Wisdom knowledge

resonates with the rich.

You think that wisdom resonates today?

Oh, fuck yeah.

You're out of your mind.

Can you read it one more time?

Yeah, you're crazy.

You think people today want to hear this message?

You can use these.

I don't know if that's an old school glasses style you got going on or the arm just broke off.

It looks like opera glasses almost.

The arm just broke.

You are out of touch if you think people want to hear this message today.

I want to hear it again.

You don't get anything for nothing

right away.

That's not what people want to hear today.

And not true.

People do it all the time.

Everything has to be earned through work

persistence and honesty and all right

getting angry doesn't solve anything why do you think that doesn't resonate with today

you think in today's day and age

what she's saying is basically work hard

all the shit that like in the 50s and 60s like your parents the like parents would tell people

and then

it wouldn't pay off because like especially now with corporations like grace kelly what year did she she fucking

so?

Oh, this is, I forgot, she married Prince Rainier.

She died in 1982.

She had no idea of what the future would be like.

Like, when did she say that?

Do you know?

Oh, I think it was 1891.

Oh, yeah?

Well, she's like, you know, during the gold rush, I found that she was.

But I know that, like.

People don't want to hear that hard work leads to anything now.

I disagree.

I think there's a lot of people out there who

understand it,

but just see the system's rigged, though.

Yeah.

It's rigged.

Well, then, if it's rigged, then there's no point in doing the hard work.

But, like,

through hard work, though, you can even

break the rigging.

But that's not fair.

Oh, it has to be broken.

That's fair.

No, no, no, no.

It's not fair that people have to work to break the rigging.

That's not fair.

No, it isn't.

It isn't fair.

Why can't I just take a picture of myself and be successful?

Why won't people just look at a picture of me?

But that's not true, though.

You think no hard work goes into that picture, though, but you got to work to get your body looking foin.

No, you don't, though.

No, you don't?

Because you use filters and all kinds of things.

Well, you got to know how to do use the filters, though.

You just can't.

Or you at least have to know somebody who knows.

So, I mean, there's different ways of

putting in work.

Dude, that's old.

That's the old

pull yourself up by the bull's grandpa's bullshit that doesn't fly today.

The American dream is dead, bro.

Honesty.

She talks about honesty as being a big, big thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't think the advice is bad.

No, I think the advice is just outdated.

I think that a lot of people are not.

Gotting angry solves lots of shit.

You could ask Edgar.

He fucking pounded the shit out of me as a kid.

It solved the problem.

In the immediate.

No, it didn't.

In the immediate.

It created a monster shockwaves.

Shockwaves.

It created a guy who's like, Can I have that door holder?

It created a fragile man.

No, not fragile in a bad way.

Oh, they call me Mr.

Glass.

Oh, yeah, like a short fuse guy.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I learned.

See, if Grace Kelly had been my mom instead of Pam.

Prince Pry of Monaco?

Yeah, that sounds all right.

You've been to Monaco?

It's pretty fucking nice.

Yeah, yeah.

You've been there for me?

It's not for me.

What the hell have you been here for?

Is there gambling like James Bob?

Exactly.

Actually, there might be a warrant for my arrest there because we got speeding tickets.

We never paid them.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

We can't never go back.

I don't think I'm going to go back anyway.

He's not listening to Grace Kelly.

Honesty.

And you're not paying your tickets.

I honestly don't give a fuck.

Yeah, there you go.

How's that?

You are taking it.

Yeah.

So

I don't even know

how to start this big news.

Well, do you want to go before you get into the big news?

You want to address the

borough thing?

Yeah, just

and assure all advertisers that we are turning over a new leaf and going to be sucking much dick

in the future.

Like, we are going to put fucking

porn stars to shut up.

Shut your cocks out.

Because we're here to service them.

You can fucking book cocky on all our faces,

all our fucking advertisers, because we are going to be nothing but servants.

Yeah,

I got a voluntary right knee replacement, so I have two titanium knees to get on

for some serious power.

The new TSD moving forward will do nothing.

What happened?

I mean, I guess, you know, some advertisers don't have a sense of humor and they don't realize, you know, it's just Joshing.

It's just fun.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

I kind of agree with them on this one.

What?

You didn't stop us.

Yeah, I tried.

You didn't do that.

Bullshit.

Go back, play that.

I say a couple of times.

I'm like, I don't know that we want to be saying this stuff.

Well, some stuff when I hear him say that.

That's not true.

Did he?

I don't know.

I'm asking, Bri, you.

Oh, it's true.

I remember saying that.

Did he raise any objections to it?

Burrow, maybe, maybe there was a part where me and you were going on him pretty hard.

I remember you may have said something.

You got to come down a little harder on us and rein us in.

We don't know what we're doing.

Do you think a gentle nudge is going to get us to stop?

All right.

Personal responsibility doesn't exist here either.

I mean, but we need someone to look out for us, someone with a level head.

I said something.

Remind me.

I mean, how fucking much do I got to do?

Just make it clear.

You're like, adamantly, say, hey.

That it's not a good idea to fucking make fun of the people who tell us to pay us to talk about them.

No, but you know, we start getting in, you know, we start telling jokes and we start laughing and we start giggling and all of a sudden then we're talking about fucking.

But you guys had to edit the commercial in front of that.

You guys edit it.

Jeffrey Bezos all of a sudden is Hitler in this commercial scenario and that's not good business.

I agree.

And it will never ever happen again.

I'm sure Burrow doesn't care at this point.

No,

they're like, oh, keep your apologies.

What is in the room?

He's like, put your apologies in your pocket or stick your apologies in your pocket.

They sent me a couch, though.

I did feel bad.

I did feel bad.

I thought for sure, like, maybe we can,

maybe we can, how about this?

All right.

What date is this going to drop?

Probably Friday or Saturday, somewhere in there.

What's that date?

Does anybody know?

That would be the first.

1st or 31st.

How about we pick November 3rd?

All the ants get out and make borrow trend.

Yeah.

On our behalf.

On a Sunday?

on a sunday night is that a sunday night november 3rd november 3rd

we're going to be here though

how about monday night no we'll be uh we'll be away too oh fuck

burrow

how about um how about i don't know um

no the 31st is thursday friday is the first we'll try to make him trend on our behalf to show him how much we we don't even want anything back when we know our relationship is dead yeah we'd like to make up for how we want to make amends yeah we want to make amends you want to come back and make them trend.

How about that Sunday night then?

We'll try to make it make it.

So Sunday the 2nd.

The third.

Well, Mary Beth is here.

Mary Beth

does the ads for us.

You know how it said, like, oh, I'm in Dutch with the little woman

when she starts getting emails and phone calls from the advertisers.

Did you explain that she's the ad person?

She does.

Well, I said she does ads for us now.

But what happened?

She gets them.

She secures the ads, gives them to us, gives us the copy, and then we do them with different degrees of efficacy.

Okay, now I know where this giving a shit is coming from.

Yeah, I was.

No, I know.

I'm not talking about you.

I'm talking about him.

Yeah, that's fucking.

Now I'm getting.

Now things are going to be shallow.

You don't even fucking have to even see through it.

I legitimately feel like shit because I thought that's what we do best.

That's how we get advertisers noticed, and that's how people remember them because of the way we kind of like bust their nuts, like we bust like we bust each other's nuts so hard.

We, I thought that that was understood in theory, that's right.

When they get it, that's great.

Yeah, like mendies, oh, meanties is being pitchy, too, right?

Are they can't say, uh-oh, oh no, meandies,

please cut that out.

But this isn't an ad for them, though.

I don't care.

Don't clear it out.

Yeah, we'll bleep it out.

When we're just not allowed to say

But now we're not talking about a brand.

We're just talking about

that.

I feel so horrible, though, that that happened because that never was our intention.

And I agree with that.

Well, what happened, I think what the real problem was, was that we did the ad and they had an issue with it.

And as it turns out, when we had an issue, DK would never tell me that it was an issue because he knew that I would be like, what?

Fuck them.

And I guess Mary Beth, not knowing that, was like, hey, Burrow had an issue.

And my, my, actually, it wasn't even Burrow.

I couldn't tell if it was Burrow or the agency.

We're still not exactly sure because nobody will fess up.

I think it was Burrow.

But they were like, hey, we didn't like this.

And so they wanted us to redo it.

And when I was on the copy call with the lady, I said, hey, I'm going to say this.

And she was like, oh, you can say anything you want.

It's fine because we know how you guys do ads so I we did it and then it's like oh you have to redo it

so I went on

I did a second commercial that some people would I guess define as condescending

uh overly

and the ad company got mad and burrow got mad and I lost us a whole bunch of money that I didn't mean to do I didn't mean that.

And in the moment, no, I mean, I didn't mean to redo.

I didn't mean to say you don't need to do what every step you took led to that.

And it was responsibility.

Grace Kelly's fucking rolling over in her grave right now.

Yeah, she's very disappointed.

Her jewels and baubles are flying all over her coffee.

Hold on,

though.

Fucking idiots calling here fucking after hours.

I just want to know.

I was like, repeatedly.

I could reach through the phone and just fucking smack him with the fucking phone.

Yeah, just hit him in the teeth with the receiver.

Enough.

Business hours.

Yeah, so I went on and almost immediately they were unhappy with the ad and were like, we want you to cut it out of the show because it's not very nice.

And this is a pretty big ad.

I did something I shouldn't have done.

All right.

This is.

Fine.

How about I'm the jerk?

But 10 years in,

this is growth.

Sure.

It took a long time to get here.

This was a lot of fucking money.

But

I'm just as guilty, though.

I can't really look because I know I said some of the things.

I'm sure I said shit that they didn't like either.

So we're all guilty.

We're all guilty.

Actually, I mean, when I think about it, every time there's a problem, you're definitely part of it.

It's usually me and you.

You threw gasoline on it, though.

If I hadn't done that anywhere, it's like we're so sorry.

Yeah, you got to learn to fucking take it.

Well, can I say something about Burrow?

Yeah, all the way to the back, but Yeah, that's Donkey's voice is so rapid.

Yeah.

Really?

Dude, AT ⁇ T bought us, and I've been sucking dicks because I got a modem in my ass.

They just dial it down.

We got out of a limo, and I just suck a dick on a street corner.

Now we got season nine.

Yeah, man.

I mean, that's our new motto, though.

We promise it's never going to be like that ever again.

We're going to be a lot shorter.

A lot to the point.

No more humor.

I don't know if the people listening are like, yeah, yeah we're super into it they may not dig it but they'll know at least why we're doing it though and they'll they'll respect that

yeah well i tried to i mean i did the copy word for word exactly how they wanted it or exactly as it was written but i guess the tone wasn't right what they were looking for and in retrospect i'm like i don't know why i did i just i'm like you said i could say anything i want to listen somebody was trying to tell you what the fuck to do

that's what happened and you don't know why because like in the moment i got.

I'm like at 50.

How old?

51, yeah.

Yeah, and you don't know why that you act the way you do.

But in the moment, like if in the moment, I was so pissed when she told me.

All right.

But I recorded telling you what to do.

But I recorded a commercial like a week later.

So it wasn't like I was still stupid from it.

And I wasn't going to do it.

And I'm like, I'm going to do this.

And I'm going to do that.

And sometimes I'm like, you know what I'm going to do?

And she's like, nope, never.

What do you think it is?

Like, what is more, why is it more important than making money?

This, this pride, like, what is it?

What's more important than making money?

I feel like in this situation, I'm like, I know better than you do.

You're a schlub.

Yeah, I am a schlub.

No, no, you think you're a schlub.

Thank you.

No, no, you consider yourself a schlub if you fucking listen to somebody.

They're all of a sudden now, they're your superior.

Right.

They are, but you don't want to fucking.

They're not your superior.

Once they pay you, they're your superior.

Right.

That's what I'm saying.

Like,

you're agreeing to do something to take their money.

It's like, that's great.

But I'll get.

What's more important than making money?

Yeah, I know.

I know.

There are some things more important.

What's more important than me making money?

Integrity.

Honesty.

It is integrity.

I mean, you got to give me that.

There's integrity there.

But making money

isn't opposed to integrity.

No, it isn't.

But at times it does conflict.

Look at the NBA in China, bro.

You're right.

Look at that fucking shit show.

Yeah, but you know why?

At least we're better than the fucking NBA.

You're damn right we are.

Fuck yeah, man.

You know why?

Because we're not fucking telling people how to live their lives.

We're not making statements.

We're not fucking turning.

Wait a minute.

Yes, we are.

That's all we do.

Well, see what happens.

Just trying to fucking entertain people.

Right.

That's what we were trying to do.

And then when you put the Chinese cock in your mouth to suck the tip, everybody's not laughing at you, being like, oh, what happened to that principal stand?

All those jokes you make about all those

tip on Trinity.

They're not funny.

You know?

I was wrong the whole time.

All right.

I had no idea.

But it's a new leaf.

It's a new TSD

mindset moving forward, Curie.

And they could have confidence in us that we will never, ever

pull that kind of shit again.

I think that's the best.

It's a professional, 100% through and through.

I like it.

I'd rather be part of it.

For listeners,

you'll have to just

realize that we can't go the way we used to go with the ads, unfortunately.

Let's see how this goes.

Well,

here's the first ad, actually.

We got an ad to this.

Well, wait, before we go into this, you want to say Burroughs sent a couch?

Yeah.

Yeah, you got to send it back.

No.

Today I put a couple of papers

and I put it in my little nook area, and

it's a pretty great couch.

Yeah, I got a couch too.

It's so awesome.

You sent an Ottoman?

Because I'm like, it was really quality, and I was just like, I was ready to talk about it, talk it up because it really is.

Why did I say the things I said?

Like, why did I say the things I said?

I don't know what I'm saying.

I know why I'm sympathetic.

What's wrong with me?

I was thinking of the listeners before I was thinking about my wallet.

Well, that's good.

I was putting their fucking

purpose.

I want to entertain them more than I want to make money.

That's noble.

I like that.

Right?

That's integrity.

That's honestly.

Well, I don't know if it is.

I know we had, but that's a complete 180 now.

No, but if you agree to take someone's money to do something for them, it's honest and you have integrity if you follow through on that.

We didn't do that.

But my first business relationship.

Fucking hit a fly on you.

My first business relationship is with the listeners.

They were first.

Yep.

They deserve,

they did deserve to be entertained and during the commercials, I thought, just as much as the

advertisers deserve to get their dicks wet.

Right.

Well, then I think the answer to that would be to only take ads that you can personally

attest to being.

We did.

I thought, well, I don't think we did.

Well, that fucking blue chew.

Fucking forced that shit on me.

Well,

you're going to be real happy with the second head.

All right, let's go to the end.

We'll just bleep that out, too.

Is that really a blue chew now?

Oh, no.

I'm sorry.

You can't leave this out.

You got to leave this in.

I'm sorry.

I'm the guy who can't control myself.

All right, no, you're right, you're right.

Let's throw it right into it.

Sunday, November 3rd.

At Hi Burrow.

What hashtag?

Hashtag.

Oh, yeah, we gotta hashtag it.

Well, you're the social.

Okay, what's the hashtag?

What's happening?

Hashtag sorry, burrow.

Is that good?

No.

No, I don't learn.

I think it's a good burrow rocks.

Burrow rocks.

Now, how about agree to disagree, burrow?

No, no, no.

Burrow rocks.

Hashtag burrow rocks.

And I'll be on there.

Use the hashtag.

Spread the word.

Hopefully, you can't.

Why don't you hear?

No, I don't like that.

No, no, no.

Let's change that.

It should be Burrow T E S D so they know what it is.

Oh, that's bad.

Hashtag Burrow T E S D.

They might get mad, though.

Well, they burrow rocks, and

there's no connection.

Nobody knows why we're taking it.

Yeah, but it doesn't matter if they get mad at us now.

We're not in business anymore.

We're trying to make amends here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

We'll let the ad person.

You just want to do that.

She does social media.

Burrow Rocks.

But then they're going to know what's.

I think they're going to know what's possible.

Our ad lady's going to tell them.

Oh, she'll tell them.

that hey, we made you trend, motherfucker.

Or you could tag at television.

Come crawling back.

And nobody write anything bad.

It's just like, I love Burrow.

Help us fool these people.

Do the opposite of what you did when I instructed you to go to the because I said I was like, go to the website, let them know how much you love their ads more than ours.

They're nice couches.

Yeah, they're really nice couches.

They are.

That's the thing.

It was nice.

They were nice people.

We made Miyundi's trend.

Yeah.

We could do it again, Ants.

We need you now.

We really need your help on Sunday.

Come on,

just tweet something.

We'll get started at 8 p.m.

Eastern.

Sure.

8 p.m.

Eastern Eastern.

Hashtag Burrow Rocks.

Burrow Rocks and R-O-C-K-S.

And then everybody takes

shot if they see it trending.

Or maybe we can get a fucking some good people on Photoshop make it just trend without.

Yeah, we're like, hey, bro, check it out.

We're not from the Grace Kelly School of Integrity and Honesty.

All right, let's get into Bluetooth.

Our new phone.

Well, this isn't Bluetooth, but it is something that I'm very concerned.

Maybe we jump the gun and taking it.

This CBD oil.

Why?

I'm thinking it may be addictive.

The way Q's mom is breaking my balls for free CBD oil.

It's like, Jesus Christ, woman, isn't your son a multi-millionaire?

What the fuck?

Every two minutes with like bucks sick, get over to my life, dude.

Yeah, it has to be good.

That dog's fucking 18 years old, man.

Give him all the CBD oil he gets.

The dog's like, oh, y'all.

Give me Earl.

Yeah, I mean, she must really love it because

it must really work for the dog.

It does.

That's what I mean.

It helps the dog's joints.

You can see a difference when Buck takes it.

He's a little more lively.

Mike's dog has started taking CBD.

Yeah.

Everybody can really

can't stop throwing the accolades around for these.

It's good.

I give it to the cats and they calm down.

Everything's great.

Yeah.

Well, let's see.

You've been hearing about how it helps with pain, relief, anxiety, and sleep.

So we are glad we found Modern CBD.

Okay.

But that's mdrncbd.com.

It's a one-stop shop for everything CBD.

I love Modern's website.

I don't really care about the website.

No, I mean,

I care about this other stuff.

Because I got to pick certain things.

It's like Zappos for CBD.

It's convenient.

Somebody tell Q's mom because stuff is modern me.

I know.

You are

under

This is almost like a scene in like you're making bullets and Shindla's list.

Holy fuck, dude.

Fucking sweat rolling down his forehead.

How am I doing so far?

Enough integrity for you?

Tons of products on their site.

Gummy, soft gels, oils, tinctures, even pet products.

And since we're always hooking you up with special offers, this one is from Modern CBD, and it's too good to pass up.

30% off plus free shipping.

Well, we know people love that.

People love free shipping.

But it's only.

It's the deal sealer.

Yes.

If you're looking to seal a deal

and you need, you know what?

You're right.

You're only going to get that 30% off in free shipping if you use our code TESD.

So go to mdrncbd.com.

That's mdrncbd.com.

Use our code to get 30% off plus free shipping.

Do not wait.

If you wait, you are going to be F-U-C-T.

So M-D-R-N-C-B-D.com, code T-E-S-D.

That's modern.

This is a new CBD.

I've never heard this company before.

We did it one other time.

Have we done another one?

Oh, okay.

I wasn't musting.

That's how my mom got hooked on that oil.

That's how she gave it to me.

Oh, no, no.

You can't get hooked.

No, no, I don't mean she got like physically hooked.

I mean, she got hooked on its amazing properties for Buck.

For Buck, the 18-year-old dog.

Yeah.

So, all right.

So, there's the first ad large.

How'd it go?

How'd it go, Ed Lady?

Pretty decent.

That was okay.

Yeah.

All right.

She's just needs to monitor us every single show from now on.

She should.

Yeah.

Yeah, because I cost her money too.

Yeah.

That part I was sorry about.

To the bitter end, I was like, then she shouldn't have told me I could say whatever I wanted.

That's kind of how I felt, but I know that, like, as an adult,

I know.

I know.

I'm legitimately sorry if Burrow's upset, though.

Oh, yeah, I do feel that way.

Because that was never our intention.

And

we thought you guys were cool, man.

Yeah, I just thought they, you know, I thought you guys realized that it was all in good fun and there was no real,

you know, and people respond to it.

Like, people like

they know that if we're cutting down the sponsor, that we're actually building it up.

Yeah, but never again.

Never again.

We'll figure it out.

Right.

We'll figure this shit out.

It's only been 10 years.

So,

somewhat big news, I guess.

Yeah.

On the Tellum Steve Dave front,

yours truly, you both know this.

I'm not telling you anything you don't know.

Yours truly

went to Key West with a ring in his pocket and came back an engaged man.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Can you believe it?

I can believe you're going to have to annul your first fucking marriage because we sent that paper again.

Well,

I think when your wife has never consummated and rarely speaks to you,

unless it's to mock you by text here and there.

Which she is good at.

She's pretty good at it.

Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe it's automatically.

Maybe you still have to do paperwork, but

hey, your second marriage, congratulations.

But who's to tell me I can't marry you?

No, no, no, no.

Who's this coming from?

The government, huh?

I think the listeners are fucking not even hearing it.

They think I'm fucking around right now.

But I'm sure that

they have to scrub back because they just missed all this because they cannot believe their jaws hit the floor.

And Thompson's engaged.

Engaged to be married.

I'm looking at a ring right now on a finger.

Oh my God.

This is...

Glittery, right?

Very glittery.

This is stuff that

I never would have dreamed would happen.

Me either.

Me either.

I told you.

It's crazy.

It's great.

It's awesome.

it's almost as if this should be the last episode of tsd you have come now you are

this is like the cheese finale yeah this is like this is the perfect ending you started miserable now you found love

the lady who's going to make you happy for the rest of your life

it really should end this episode It should, but I feel like there's plenty of misery in store.

We can track the descent, too.

I mean, why would

we want to stop it anymore?

I mean, but it's it's like,

or it could be an entirely different.

Oh, you're in love, are you?

You guys are special.

You guys are going to make it while nobody else does.

That's really why she's here.

She's more of a yoko capacity.

Congratulations.

She's already doing it.

She's like, you guys are going to read the ad straight.

And that's just the way it's going to go.

And I'm like, she knows about ads, guys.

She knows more than we do.

We started this podcast.

She was 10.

Let's listen to her.

Oh, my God.

That is the most nasty.

Oh, my God.

I'm the man.

I'm the fucking man.

I never thought of it like that.

Oh, my God.

That's the most violent thing that's ever been said.

But she also.

Congratulations.

Let's not get carried away.

She was 14.

She's like, Dad,

why would a famous singer.

why would a woman love a famous singer more than she loved her own son?

Is it Josh Grobin?

It's self-explanatory.

Thanks, Daddy.

Oh, said aloud.

Yeah.

That's everybody.

It's not going to run legally.

It might have to be.

She's a little younger, sure.

It's the definition of a May

December romance.

Would you say that's an accurate?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I might even go like

February, March, December, like a little bit younger, even.

Well, I got to say, like, you, you do seem quite happy, which is nice.

Yeah.

There's certain things that I'm not happy with, but none of them involve her.

Yeah.

You know, it's other shit.

Well, I was talking about with her.

Like, you seem like

she seems to have a stabilizing

effect on you.

Yep.

You seem joyous.

Joyous.

Yeah, you do.

joy of fellowship is that the word you kept using not fellowship fellowship is different yeah fellowship is what i used to

fellowships important but that was making me laugh uh yeah so we went down to key west for our anniversary of dating which i wasn't really sure if people people observe that if they're actually i have engaged or married relationships yeah um

so we decided to go down to key west two years to fantasy fest two years two years yep

Is that a porn thing?

Fantasy Fest?

It's a little bit of a porn.

It's like Mardi Gras.

You know, people dress in risque costumes.

They have a parade.

No, it's no, no.

When Q and I used to go, there were a lot of like young

hard bodies.

You ever see, like, I remember real sex on HBO?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

There's a bunch of spectators and then two people like meditating and jerking off.

It's like, I guess.

There's like a circle, and it's like, you don't.

Imagine going in a circle with like six strangers.

It's like you and five other people, you and your girl, and you're all naked and like chanting.

And it's just like shit.

You're like, I can't even conceive.

Stranger's ball sack in your face.

You just move it and be like, Will you marry me?

Yeah, yeah.

You put it to the side, and you're like,

It's a dog or something.

Very bad.

But yeah, so we went down.

This would have been Tuesday.

We left Tuesday, flew down there, and I made little notes because certain things stood out.

Oh, you kept a fucking

proposal journal?

Let's not get carried away.

I wrote it down this afternoon.

I'm like, help me remember some of this shit because I can't remember any of it.

Oh, God, he's writing a fucking journal about.

Well, I'm sure he did it for the show, right?

Yeah, I did it just for the show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know what you, I know.

I respect what you're trying to do, but yeah, I wrote it for the show.

So let's see.

You haven't heard this story, right?

I haven't heard anything.

We don't need to.

Well, he texted me before he left.

I'll just give a little bit of pretext here on a text.

He said that he was leaving to go away, and he said, I have one of these, and it was a picture of a ring in a box.

And I was like, holy shit.

And

going back and forth, I said, congratulations.

And he said something.

He was a little...

He laid the groundwork that he wasn't sure if she would say yes.

And I said, bro, you got this.

There's There's no way she's saying no.

You didn't really worry that she wouldn't say yes.

I thought you would probably say.

I figured as much.

Although she did laugh at me once when I suggested it.

But what was the percentage like in the 90s?

Yeah, it would be in the 90s.

Confident man.

But in public.

Cock sure.

In public, yeah, that's one thing I am.

You hear that advertisers?

He told me in Vegas that he was thinking about doing it when we went a few months back when Giddam wasn't there, but we were both so fucking drunk that we barely discussed.

We discussed it for like an hour, and I don't remember anything about it

besides knowing you were going to do it.

And the way I was going to do it.

Yeah, I had an idea of the way I wanted to do it that we'll get to.

But we went down there Tuesday, and I made

in my mind, I'm like, I'm not going, because she'll tell you.

You can weigh in whenever you want.

Everybody, Mary Beth, is here.

Hello.

Are you going to take his name?

Yeah.

Mary Beth Johnson?

Oh, boy.

What's your last name?

Oh, do you want to say your last name?

It's Holt Hull.

H-O-L-T-E-L.

So it's it's not Hotel, it's Holtel.

I like Johnson better.

Yeah?

What a bloodline.

Oh, boy.

Welcome to the family.

Peel that pig and flash him thick.

She looks like a Johnson already, though.

She's got the blonde hair, the blue eyes.

Yeah, the thousand-yard stare.

A certain slump to the shoulders.

Yeah.

I wasn't there when we first started dating.

I remember nicely.

We went down there, and the first night, Q, you're very familiar with Key West.

Duval is the main stretch, Duval Street.

We stayed at the very end of Duval Street, where you and me and South.

Oh, with the pool?

A different

hotel, but that same basic area.

So you're pretty far away from the main action.

Not prohibitively so.

You can scroll down there in five minutes.

That's what I was telling her.

I was like, Q and I used to, like, we'd walk back and forth like three times, and it's far, right?

It's pretty far.

But she has heels on and shit, so it's a little different.

We're over it everywhere.

Any clue?

No, no.

Completely oblivious.

You didn't know it was ever coming, or you didn't know it was coming now?

I don't think I had any clue.

But I guess, did you ever, did you, did you think I was during the time?

No, I don't know.

I I don't know.

She didn't dream of it.

Okay.

Oh, I didn't think it was.

You could lie about the advertisers, but don't lie about that.

You didn't think it was a Norellma possibility.

I didn't have like a fantasy of how it would happen.

No.

Okay.

All right.

Wow.

Most of her

fantasies with me involve insurance payouts.

Well, she's on the right track now.

Yeah, really.

So first night, we just went out to dinner.

Now, it's Fantasy Fest, so Q and I were down there as young bucks, you know, like we were down there with our beats and

about four years old, man.

I mean, it's 20 years ago the first time,

yeah, it was 20 years ago, and

totally different experience, and really nothing to do with her as much as the demo.

The demographic is like all the swingers from these retirement villages in Florida.

Like the first, the day, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday we were there,

the mean average, like I was a fucking youngster.

It was probably 60 was like the base.

It was a lot of stuff there,

back in the day.

Yeah, I don't remember so universal, though.

And there's no flashing.

Like, we saw no flashing.

It's just women walking around with their boobs out or body painting.

So it's not the way it's just not like it used to be.

Right.

You know, we gave no beads away.

We didn't really wear beads.

But since it's Fantasy Fest, she's like, all right, I'll get into it.

So she had a couple little outfits that she would wear.

So like day one,

she's in short shorts and what's the, the shoes were wedges, and then this little white crop top that you can see through.

And you know, I totally banned bras and

whether we're inside or out, so you can kind of see right through it.

Nice.

Yeah, that was fun.

Would you have wished it was the old days when there were beads she could be earning?

A little bit.

Yeah, we had talked about it and she had a mask because it's like you don't want your face on the internet.

And like, I have to wear a mask then, too, because if anybody recognized me,

then it'd be like, well,

I know by extension,

it's got to be her.

So that was the first day.

This is like Eyes Wide Shut proposal.

Yeah.

In terms of, well, you'll see.

Eyes wide shut.

Yeah, it wasn't that.

No, if Eyes Wide Shut had a bunch of, it would look like if Eyes Wide Shut was cast with the people from Cocoon or on Golden Pond,

then yeah, that's what it would look like.

So the next day is the day.

That's Wednesday, your birthday, Walt.

And still had the presence of mind to text you happy birthday.

Is that why you chose Wednesday?

Did you remember it?

It isn't, but it is like we never, we didn't have a hard fast day that.

that we started dating.

So we chose the 24th.

I was like, it'll be too weird if it's Walt's birthday, but I'll definitely remember it if it's the day after Walt's birthday.

So, we're like, okay, we'll just, it's basically around the time we started going out.

Wait, what was I saying now?

Should have lost my.

Yeah, it's on, it's a day you don't have much going on.

It's a Wednesday.

Okay, so it's Wednesday.

Check your journal.

Uh, yeah, I got my proposal journal.

Oh, it's hard to see the writing with all the hearts I've drawn.

Uh, so

I'm committed to relaxing and not exploding.

Uh, the first day when we got off the shuttle bus or the shuttle bus to get the rental car, I forgot my fucking phone and the shuttle bus.

So immediately I'm like,

that's the kind of thing that's going to set me off and get me mad at myself.

But I tried to remain calm, right?

I did an alright job.

Got the phone back and then we start out.

Then Wednesday, wake up.

I'm like, oh, I'm going to sleep in because I can never sleep in at our house.

And those roosters start crowing at like six in the fucking morning so the roosters wake us up we go down to sloppy joe's for lunch and she needs to get a floppy hat so we're on our way to get a floppy hat and i look across the street and i'm like hey that's ron that that's ron jeremy and they have like an adam and eve like uh brick and mortar store down there and ron jeremy sitting out front signing shit okay And we had done the con with him in the horror con, Rob vs.

HorrorCon.

He came up and he did the podcast and all that shit.

So we go over and I'm like, hey, Ron,

zero recollection, no matter how much detail I gave him.

Really?

But he meets people all day, every day.

He does.

He didn't seem to know anything, though.

Like, he didn't seem to remember him.

He didn't know where he was.

He didn't see.

Yeah, he seemed to the line's pretty sharp by now, right?

A little bit out of it.

But I did get to recruit.

He was ravaged with disease, the brain, from all the fucking he did.

Maybe, yeah.

I mean, you couldn't rule it out.

I mean, he definitely looked like maybe he had taken something in the spirit of

the occasion.

But when we...

Is he still getting laid?

That guy is, right?

Here and there, yeah, I'm sure.

When we were at the Huracon, though, like, he gave Mary Beth a kiss on the cheek, and I didn't take a picture of it.

And I always regretted that.

And I was like, I'll never get that chance again.

And then we're walking down the street.

We fucking see the guy in Key West.

And I was like, holy shit, you know, like, so she went and she got a picture with him.

And Ron Jeremy slapped her ass as she walked away.

Even though it's 2019, I feel like that's what you have to expect, right?

If you get a picture with Ron Jeremy.

you can't get upset.

He's not changing.

No.

So don't go near him.

If that's not what you want,

you kind of got to let it go.

I mean, you don't have to.

You're going to waste everybody's time and breath.

And be a dickhead, right?

Yeah.

You can't cancel him, though.

He's already canceled.

Oh, God.

No, you can't cancel Ron Jeremy.

You know, there's people you can't cancel on two different spectrums.

Like, you can't cancel Kanye.

No.

He's too big.

Right.

Or LeBron,

because he's too big.

but you can't cancel.

What's his name, Ron Jerry?

Because he's fucking, he's meaningless.

People are just like,

I did think I was like,

he's an icon, and he's a really nice guy.

He's a really friendly dude.

But I'm like, what a.

I just feel, I would feel sad, I think.

To be at the end, sort of towards the end, and be like,

this is what I did.

It's kind of a fucked up industry.

Yeah, but didn't he have a lot of fun?

He may have.

I don't know.

You got to assume he did.

He was just doing drugs and banging.

This is a man who's about to propose.

You know, he's feeling very emotional.

Yeah, I cried the whole thing.

He's a roller coaster.

I see the journal.

The ink is a little running.

It's all running.

Yeah.

Tears.

Yeah, but you think he looks back on his life and is like, I regret any of it?

I mean, that guy was knee-deep and pussy for decades.

But at his age, he's so out of it.

And like,

look at me at his age.

You think I'm going to be much better?

I'll be at a condy and like, huh, Larry.

I still feel like he'll be dressed better though yeah yeah like a stained shirt and stained sweats i'm i'll look at the picture they were pajama pants pajama pants they were

yeah i i think i think it's i think it's

some maturation yeah yeah brian johnson is maturing yeah i'm like i don't want to die like him

i think it's sweet

I think about that kind of stuff a lot, though.

I look at shit like that.

So we see Ron Jeremy.

I'm looking at the picture.

I just want to see it.

Oh, yeah.

He looks like...

He don't look great.

But how old is he?

He's like 70.

I mean, he's

okay for 70.

He doesn't look like

crazy bad for 70.

Nice guy, though.

Real friendly dude.

Yeah.

So, you know, we go to the pool that day, Wednesday.

We fuck around a little bit.

I take some alone time so I can try to

compose myself yeah I was dehydrated from crying all day did you practice in front of like

yeah I did not nobody knows what I'm what I'm gonna do but

it turns out that not practicing out loud

was a faux pas yeah a little bit

He told me he had to memorize a 35-digit number and made it alone time.

Yeah, I was

question it.

Well, I had been trying to mislead her with a bunch of shit.

Well,

yeah, that's a little peek into my life.

I'm like, here's what I'm going to do now.

She's like, all right, have a good time.

So you're on vacation.

And he says, I have to, he says without no humor or joking around, I have to go memorize a 35-day.

No, he was laughing the entire time.

I'm just like, just go.

Just go.

Just go.

For most of the trips.

Just go.

But I had built up.

You really, I mean, you could have painted this as the fucking greatest love story ever told on a podcast.

And you're at fucking Ron Jeremy's in it.

Right.

You're fucking

memorizing numbers.

Swingers.

He's high all the time.

I don't see how this is not an amazing love story.

Romeo and Juliet has changed.

It's changed a lot since the fucking bard.

Yeah, this ain't your Grace Kelly's Romeo and Juliet.

Yeah,

is not she perfect?

She's sitting there going, it is.

It is.

And that's why it works.

That's why it works.

Yeah, I found someone whose standards are so low that she's like, yes.

35-digit number?

Why not?

She's like, why not?

He kicked off three cabinet doors.

Think of the seven he didn't kick.

But, you know, so I had been giving her, like, hey, I have to do this, I have to do this in order to get this whole, like, get the logistics of this thing together.

So that was a thing that I had to do, but I told her,

I tried to lie and say I had to memorize a 35-digit number, but I couldn't stop laughing about it because it was so stupid.

She's like, just go.

So I went down.

It took a little long time, but then it's time to go to dinner.

Now,

what I wanted to do, the original intention was that I would, because I've wanted to try stand-up comedy for a while.

So I'm like, I'll try stand-up comedy for the first time.

And within that, I'll

have the proposal, you know, because I'll go to this comedy club.

She'll be there.

Dave Landau is a friend of mine.

He's on Anthony Coumia's show.

He's a stand-up comedian.

He knows a guy down in Key West who runs the comedy club, this guy, Tom.

And it's a Comedy Key West.

Is Is that what it's called?

Yeah, Comedy Key West.

So I'm like, hey, can you talk to your buddy and see that, see if I can, you know, just get a little time down there.

Now, it's during Fantasy Fest, so the crowd probably isn't going to be too heavy.

People are off doing other shit.

And I text with the guy, Tom, and I talked to him, and he's like, sure.

And I told him, you know, or text, I want to do a proposal, and here's the plan, and blah, blah, blah.

And Dave helped me with the jokes, you know, like

I gave him the jokes and then he went over them and he made some corrections.

We went back and forth, you know, he helped me work out some stuff.

And

we're going to go to dinner that night first, though.

I made a reservation.

So I call Uber and the plan is we're going to go from the hotel to dinner to the club.

The first fucking Uber doesn't answer.

Like they don't show up.

Now I have my bag in my hand that has the ring in it.

And Uber never shows up.

I'm like, these motherfuckers.

So I go back into the hotel room, get another Uber, come on back out.

We get an Uber, we go to the restaurant, or the restaurant for how long before I realize I'm like

the Little Pearl.

The Little Pearl.

The Little Pearl, okay.

They're going to wish we didn't mention their name in a minute.

We weren't even seated for two minutes.

We weren't seated for two minutes.

I'm like, where's that fucking bag?

The bag that has the ring in it.

And I'm the guy who's always like, how could an asshole leave like a bag of money in a taxi?

How fucking stupid are you?

How absent-minded are you?

I have your answer.

So I'm like, holy shit.

And I'm like, I call the Uber guy right away.

Did you think there's subconsciously that you were like trying to sabotage it, like a little Felix Unger?

How his back would go out every time something good was going to happen?

No, I think I'm just retarded.

You just said you're high all day.

High all day.

It's a misery.

And even if I'm not, my short term is like, I'm just so scattered.

And I'm like, fuck.

So I call the guy.

The guy's like, and it wasn't that long.

He's like,

it's not in the car.

So I'm like, the only other possibility aside from being outside and putting it on the ground for a moment is that it's in the hotel room.

I'm 99.9% sure I did not just put it on the ground.

It's not something I would do.

So I'm almost positive it's in the hotel room.

But I'm not positive.

So the whole fucking dinner.

Yeah, I know you told me, but I'm still not positive 100%

that that's what I'm saying.

Well, remember, you don't know that there's a ring in this.

No, I thought you were a little bit of a ring.

So you just saying, oh, don't worry about it.

This isn't going to affect.

And you're not going to blow your cover, though, because she's seen you a thousand times angry over useless, meaningless shit.

So, like, this is just in par for the course that you're going to go blow up about a fucking bag that just has a fucking some chiclets in it and a fucking nail clothes.

Where the fuck about your Sunday?

Sunday lotion.

He said it was his GoPro, and so he's like, oh, I don't want to lose another GoPro.

And I'm like, okay, well, well, I don't remember you having the bag getting into the Uber, so it has to be at the hotel.

Like, whatever.

Yeah, so you blowing up over that is just like, yeah, that's just fucking, that's just another Wednesday.

And I can't blow up too much because I'm about to, you know, ruin the night.

I don't want to ruin the night.

But he's sitting there shaking and like, like shaking around with

rage or whatever.

Or did you think like nerves?

It seemed like nervousness.

I'm like, calm down.

You know, like, let's have dinner.

But not nervous about the proposal.

Nervous that I'm like, did I just ruin everything?

Did I, did I just totally fuck everything up and be like, well, here's the way it was going to go.

You know,

I forgot the bag.

So

dinner is shit because I'm

my head is not in it.

You know, I'm all over the place.

They try to get it.

Did you think it was the fact that he couldn't fucking remember the 35-digit number?

I was like, I know he can remember pie.

Yeah, for sure.

No problem there.

Yeah, yeah.

What did you think?

Did you think it was just the GoPro?

There's a lot of times.

What did you think his reasonings for being this

frantic over a GoPro?

I don't know.

Because does it happen frequently enough that it's like the reasoning may not even.

Yeah, I thought it's like him being frantic makes me like on edge.

Like, I don't know what to do.

House dinner.

But he's like, Are you having a good time?

What do you want to do?

GoPros on Amazon.

It's going to be okay, Brad.

Wait, I just put on another one.

Now you got six.

I'll be here tomorrow.

Okay, no, no, no, that's good, Red Bro.

Let it pass by right now.

Stop shaking.

Stop shaking.

She's ripping security cameras off the wall of this.

This is your girl.

This is you're gonna have this one, Brad.

This is the GoPro.

He's like, Do you want to leave?

Do you want to leave?

There's nothing good here.

Do you want anything?

Yeah, because it was like, it was a pretty nice restaurant.

Which is funny because if you would just come and if you were just like, you know what, I'm really uncomfortable.

I just want to go make sure that I have it and we'll come right back.

She would have been fine with it.

It would have been fine.

Yeah, she would have been fine with it.

But you chose the other pen.

Ironically, I don't want to ruin dinner.

So, so

the menu is not what I remembered it to be, but it's like a very highly rated restaurant.

I don't know why, because I thought it was not great.

And there's like some lady there who, like, I guess she's a regular, so everything has to be like, ooh, Chef Robert made this for me.

Oh, Chef Robert made that for me.

And I'm like, shut the fuck up, bitch.

Like, okay, you know, Chef Robert.

You don't have to fucking remark loudly every time he brings you something.

Did you make these biscuits, Chef Robert?

And he's like, yeah.

And he's like, she's like, they're awesome.

I honestly was like, these are grands.

There's no fucking way these are not Pillsbury grands.

They look and taste exactly like them, you know?

So that was annoying.

Okay.

But we eat.

And then at the end, and she never does this, because I'm texting with the guy at the comedy club.

He's like, when are you getting here?

When are you getting here?

And it's a comedy club and it's only like, what, like nine or so?

So I'm like, what's the big deal?

Like, I had this set up.

He knows I'm coming in.

Here's what I'm going to do.

We went over it.

And he's not like breaking my balls, but I'm like, I guess I got to get going.

So

he's like, you know, we got to, it's a light crowd, but it's pretty decent.

It is Fantasy Fest, whatever.

So she, uncharacteristically, is like, I'm just going to finish my drink.

Usually she

finishes up.

Yeah, like, let's slow it down.

Frantic, like, it's okay.

Let me finish my drink.

Let's hang out.

Let's have a nice dinner.

Too late for that.

Yeah.

So, yeah, that ship sailed.

So, yeah.

That ship sailed on the plane.

That ship sailed in the 70s.

SS tolerance.

Bye-bye.

But I'm like, all right, we got to go.

So now I have to go all the way back to the hotel, which isn't that far.

Right.

But far enough that I'm like, it's taking time that I could just get to the club and sort of like, because my plan is when I get to the club, I'm like, I have my lapel mic.

I'm going to, we'll sit down.

We'll have a drink.

We'll like listen to the comics.

I'm going to excuse myself to the bathroom.

I'll set up my GoPro.

Oh, you don't know he's going to go up there and do a statement.

What's it called?

Like a set.

Yeah, she has no idea.

All I said was like,

I want to go to the comedy club that Dave knows the guy.

So we get back to the hotel

and I see the bag on the bed.

And I collapse on the bag because I'm like, I can exhale now.

Now I know for sure 100% I didn't just lose a pretty expensive piece of hardware.

So I'm like.

I'm not that traditional, so fuck no way.

No,

that was made up by De Beers.

I don't recognize any shit that's made up by a company that sells the stuff they're supposed to be buying.

But we get back to the hotel and I'm like, all right, all right, let's go.

And I'm like, I'm going to call the Uber, okay?

She's like,

she never does this ever, like, ever.

She's usually like, boom, boom, boom.

Like, she's the one like, let's go because I'm later or whatever.

And she's taken forever.

I'm like, we got to go.

So I just call the Uber and we get to the comedy club.

All right.

So now, what's it?

You're basically running into the comedy club.

And I was almost like, what the fuck?

Let's walk in.

Yeah, because I'm amped up.

She doesn't know why.

And it's supposed to be a total surprise.

I don't want her to know.

And really what I want her to think is that part of this anniversary gift is me having talked about doing stand-ups.

I'm like, I'm going to do it.

Here's a surprise.

I'll do it for the first time on our anniversary.

And as we're walking into the club, I look at the, they have like a TV screen marquee, and I'm headlining that night.

Unaware.

Unaware that that's the case.

I'm like, oh,

and She doesn't see it and we're hustling past and this guy goes, oh, hey, he goes, I think he's going to get you right up there.

Now I have to pretend I don't know what the hell he's talking about because nobody's supposed to know.

Your cover is blown at this point.

My cover is blown because I tried to lie to her.

I tried to be like, Oh, hey, I'm like, What did he say?

He thinks I'm going up, but I didn't sell it.

I didn't sell it.

Yeah, like, whoo!

We walk in, and I would say it was, I mean, you know, my plan, it was less than 15 seconds.

I didn't even get to sit down.

And Tom is on the stage and there's like probably 30 people there, maybe something like that, 25, 30 people.

And he's like, oh, Brian's here.

So I don't get a chance.

Like I go right from the Uber into the club and now I have to go right up on stage.

There's no like moment to breathe and assess and get my goddamn microphone on.

So I go up and the intro is super awkward because I think he wants me to go up.

It sounds like he wants me to just get up on the stage.

So I go up there and like, you know how they do it at stand-up clubs where it's like, here comes Brian,

give him a hand, and then I'm supposed to be like, keep it going for Tom.

Yeah, it's that whole thing.

None of that happened because I'm fucking amped up and like,

almost like I'm on Coke, which I'm not.

So I get up on stage and I start.

And it's going okay at first, I think.

But then I get annoyed at something.

And I talk about it.

I don't know.

Do you remember what it was?

I don't recall what it was, but but I started talking about it, and that's where I fucked up because I lost my place.

And then I'm like, oh, shit, where am I?

Okay.

All right.

Now, are you

feeling nervous at this point?

No.

People said I looked nervous, but I did not feel nervous at all.

I don't feel nervous on stage, but I was scattered.

Because of, you know, what I'm going to do.

And I want, I don't necessarily need everything to go right,

but I do want it to go somewhat according to plan, you know, at least a loose approximation of what I have in my mind.

So

I get up there and I'm doing the act, and then I forget what I'm supposed to say next, but I have note cards in my back pocket, just in case.

I wasn't aware that this is extremely common that stand-ups use

papers and note cards and phones.

I've seen Colin Quinn do it.

I've seen Chappelle do it.

I had no idea.

I'm trying to memorize this stuff, which in my mind is probably about five minutes' worth of material.

about like a 35 digit number yeah about that yeah

so

so this five minutes is not five minutes it turns out it's closer to 20 minutes eventually which is

you have 20 minutes worth of material no i probably have 15 minutes worth of material and five minutes of like where the was i again

so i get my note cards out and i'm like fine i'll just like because i hit there were certain things that i'm like if i hit this then i know i can do this bit if i hit this then i can know i can can do this bit, just like keywords or something.

But I have quite a few of them, and I don't know how it happened, but they got all shuffled up.

So I get my note cards out, and I'm like, okay, first card.

Then I look at the second one, I'm like, oh, shit.

Like, they're all shuffled up.

They weren't numbered.

They weren't.

No, I didn't number them.

I put them, and I put them there.

You can type them or handwrite them?

Handwrite them.

So they're hardly legible.

I don't have my glasses on.

I don't know how much good they would have done me anymore.

You write English.

You write something like

Satan.

There's more symbols than actual language.

So I get the cards, and there's like a little ledge there.

Like, you know, there's a stage, then there's like a little ledge that I put the cards on, and I'm like looking through them because I'm trying to find the next one.

Are you getting heckled at any point?

No, people seem to not care at all.

Okay.

And then I got mad and I hit the cards all over the place.

I'm like, fuck it then.

Because I'm so.

Will you marry me?

I was so mad at myself.

You!

Everybody just, everybody else, shut the fuck up for a second.

You, you, you want to get married or not?

No, I hit the cards all over.

That's not a big laugh.

People liked it.

Yeah, I guess they thought it was part, but it was not part of the act.

I was genuinely annoyed at myself.

And I'm like, fuck it, the cards are no good now.

So I hit them.

They're all over the floor and all over the stage.

And I'm like, all right, let's just talk then.

We'll just talk about shit.

Whatever I could remember is

what I was talking about.

Now, are you seeing the Hindenburg?

That's a Zeppelin that fucking crashed.

I get that one.

Or are you like,

this is going fucking magnificently?

I mean,

I think it went perfectly.

No, I mean, like, but do you see that?

Do you feel like the crowd is enjoying this?

Yeah, he's great.

Okay.

Yeah, he's great with the crowd and he would like talk to them and then like

throwing

hard.

So I was generally

like the crowd is

receptive.

And later on, I got some comments that

you'll like.

So

I get through it, kind of limp to the end a little bit.

And the ending, the way it goes, is that so I'm on the stage and I give the last of the jokes and then I'm ready to leave.

So the plan is that I'm like, and I had to enlist

an aunt to a comic bookman fan.

There was a comic book men lady and guy who were there uh Chris and uh Susie

you paid for them to go down there and meet you yeah I was like

I was like I need some backup guys

no they just happened to be there yeah they just happened to be there they saw his name on the marquee yeah

so they came in she was recording it so I walked out on into the onto the floor and as I'm walking I say you know I'm gonna

Show you something much funnier than anything I've said tonight.

And that's a 51-year-old man struggling to get back to his feet after dropping to his one titanium knee replacement to say, Mary Beth, will you marry me?

So all that's timed pretty well, I think.

And her reaction was exactly what I hoped it would be, which was to stop making out with the Mexican dishwasher and pay some attention to me.

No, which was overwhelmed with emotion.

It was nice.

That's nice.

It was nice.

So then

I went back on stage with her.

Little goodbye.

Applause.

A little goodbye.

Got applause.

And that was the end of it.

And then Tom comes out, the guy who owns the club on stage.

And he's like, I didn't know this was going to happen.

I didn't think it was real.

And I'm like, well, why not?

I said, proposal in the text.

I was like, then Dave told you.

And he's like, yeah, I might have been drunk when he told me that.

And I'm like, well, that would explain my name on the marquee, I guess.

But a real nice guy.

And he's just like, hey, let's get champagne.

And then he's like, let's get

some tiramisu.

He says to Mary Beth, he's like, you like tiramisu?

And she's like, no, not really.

It's like an Italian coffee type cake.

Is it like carded here?

Or no?

No, no, yeah.

Yeah.

He's like, can she eat tiramisu cake?

Is there any alcohol in it?

Then he asked me, and I'm like, no, that's okay.

He's like, get him some tiramisu cake with two candles.

And the PS to that is when I paid, because I bought a round of drinks for people in the club.

He charged it all for myself.

$6.

$6.

When I left, that fucking thing was still sitting there.

We didn't even have any candles in it.

We never even got the candles.

It was a slow night, man.

You had to make it up somewhere.

He's like, you were late, cocksucker.

So

that was the end of that until we hung out and we took pictures with people.

And what I didn't know was that

everybody hung out for a while because he thought I would be there at like 8.30 and I wasn't there until like 10.

So everybody hung out and some of these people were house comedians like, you know, guys who are always there.

They're waiting to do their set after you.

Well, no, they had already done it, but they're there all the time.

Oh, okay.

You know,

doing sets and shit.

And what I found out was I walked in there.

And everybody was like, who the fuck does this asshole from comic book men think he is to make us wait for an hour and a half?

No, meanwhile, I don't know that I'm making them wait.

And Tom never tells me I'm making them wait.

But evidently I'm making them wait.

So these house comedians are like, we were ripping into you and talking shit about you.

And Tom was talking shit about you.

And they're all like mocking me and being like, oh, he sucks.

And,

you know, to themselves.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Not to me, but to themselves.

And this is what they're telling me afterwards.

Because they didn't realize that, one, it was my first time doing stand-up, two, that it was actually more about the proposal than the stand-up.

So these guys are like, he's a dickhead.

We hate him.

And it took the entire set and then not even.

Win them over?

Like, I won them all over, but it seemed like I had to still win them over like at the end.

Like when I talked to them afterwards and

I think they knew that I was like, I don't give a fuck if anybody considers that a bomb.

Because ultimately, what did I get out of it?

What I wanted,

which is a yes.

And it also made me think like, I'm like, I want to practice this because I'm like, if I can, I just can't remember shit.

I can't remember bang, bang, bang.

If I could remember those little like landmarks, then I might be able to do it.

I'll venture to say it was the greatest set ever performed at that shitty little comedy club.

You might be right.

You might be right.

It has to be one of the most memorable.

I think Jiggy's performed there.

I stand by it.

It's the most memorable, greatest bit, sketch comedy, whatever you want to call it.

I don't know if this is what is it called?

Stand-up comedy.

Yeah, it is a stand-up.

That one will live forever.

I mean, like I did the video.

Oh, and that's what I wanted to say.

So I have video, so the next time we can dissect it, and you guys can give me some advice on where I went wrong.

But you didn't go wrong.

You went right, dude.

Well, as far as

I think, I mean, I think it probably comes down to I just couldn't remember those things in a row.

I mean, I want to watch it because I want to see it.

And I tried to do too much at once.

It was way, like, it ended up being like almost, like I said, almost like 18 minutes, so probably 15 minutes of material, which is way too long.

So, what I'm going to do is I'm going to take two of those bits, refine them so it's like maybe seven minutes, and then I'm going to do it again without the proposal.

I'm going to rewrite some of the stuff down at the Dublin house, or just do it live, and then I'll bring that one in to compare to the two, like the first one and the second, where the proposal, yeah, a little bit more polished, yeah.

And not so, like, I bit off way more than I can chew it.

And that was cuts off.

The charm is that yeah, if it's polished, the charm may be missing, though, that the heart and soul

is when it was, you know, real.

That's what people seem to like best, right?

We don't polish something that's already beautiful.

Yeah, we're a turd.

We're already a turd.

Polish till the cows come home, bro.

But you, where you, you seemed happy.

You seemed like.

I thought the surprise was him doing the act.

And so I was already like misty.

I'm like, oh, look at him.

Do this.

Stand up.

I'm so proud of him.

Look at Hindenburg.

Look at him.

That's my rank.

Oh, the humanity.

That's my German Zeppelin.

Look at him tanking.

So how long do you think this engagement is going to be?

Not very long.

We're looking at...

August or September somewhere in

2020 of 2020.

Really?

Wow.

He's fucking a fast track.

I don't got much time left.

I think people

for our wedding registry, we're going to register at the cemetery.

Yeah, now you, now, going in,

I mean,

you got a lot on your plate, right?

You got a lot on your plate.

I mean, not, I mean, just like.

I mean, the hard, cold reality.

I don't know how to say this anytime Learn.

You have a lot on your plate

well what is the cold reality let's see

well can you just blink once if you're okay

you're here of your own free will i just mean the um

when the age when the age difference like hits that fucking

event horizon yeah

i look like sam neal at the end

there's going to be

some

fucking

well,

we'll go decade by

real life shit is going to hit the fucking fans.

It is, yeah.

Yeah, and it'll be worst case scenario.

He's withering and dying in 20 to 30 years.

Yeah, quickly.

The wither is quickly.

Yeah, I mean, I saw guys down there at Fantasy Festival with people who were demonstrably younger than them, you know?

And I'm like, well, what am I going to do?

Am I going to search around for someone my age?

I mean, look, this is, this is everything I want aside from someone whose mortality is so much fresher than mine.

You know,

but even if, like, let's say 30 years.

I think you got 30 years in you?

Think it will be 80?

I mean, you'd

science.

It's possible, but you never know.

Yeah, with science.

If I get a little science on my side, you don't know what the 80 will be like, though.

It may not, it may, it may be, you may lose some faculties.

You know?

Can you, you guys want to talk about something that I find quite interesting?

It's called Blue Chew.

If you want to talk about sex, good sex.

Remember the days when you were always ready to go?

Now you can increase your performance and get up that extra confidence in bed.

This is something I may need to seriously consider in the

future.

In the near future.

Yeah, maybe

in the far future.

Or distant future or near future.

Everybody's got a

couple hours.

What do you consider that?

Everybody is.

Well, we're done recording.

Anybody can

use, and you don't have to have issues.

You don't have to be an old man who's ashamed and humiliated every time he tries to romance a woman.

You could be a young guy who's like, I just want that extra little

giddy up.

Yeah, where's your husband?

Oh, that fucking 51-year-old fuck, he's out shopping for Blue Chew.

You know, why don't you hump me, a young stallion?

Then I come home and I'm like, did you at least change the sheets?

She's like, you change them, fuckface.

And I'm like, I love you.

So it's BlueChew.com.

That's blue, like the color blue.

This is the new professional ass.

This is the new professionalist.

This is at least it's related, sex stuff, right?

So Blue Chew brings you the first chubal with the same FDA-approved active ingredients such as Viagra and Cialis, so you know they work.

Can take them any time, even on a full stomach.

It's a big thing with these pills.

Like, everybody's like, take them on an empty stomach.

You got three hours.

Can't eat for three hours and then bang.

But these are chubal.

They work twice as fast as a pill, Empty stomach.

I mean, full stomach.

Be ready whenever an opportunity arises.

Would you take a blue chew if you didn't know?

Like, let's say

you were in a new relationship and you only got to second base

for like a month or two.

Yeah.

Two months.

Second base.

When do you.

I feel like she doesn't like me.

Yeah.

I was just saying, and when do you do your barn raising since you're now Amish?

When should you

invest in the Blue Chew, though,

if it's been two months and you only got the second?

Well, wait, is it his fault or her?

Why is the Blue Chew my fault?

No one's at fault,

but you know you're going to need it if you happen to be able maybe

to be on third base.

And she may be like, okay, you can come home.

You know, the squeeze plays on.

Yeah.

You might need the Blue Chew, though.

Let's just say you do.

In the beginning of a relationship, too?

That's That's rough.

That's normally when they're super excited about everything.

Okay, so wait, I don't understand the question.

I'm sorry.

He wouldn't he need it less if he's been stuck on second base?

Or you're saying, like,

he has a good idea that since, oh, I get you what you're saying.

It's like, because he's been waiting so long, he's like, I don't want to fuck this up, so let me just take Blue Chew in case.

Okay.

Which is what people do.

Yeah.

Would you be like,

would you be okay?

You know,

only getting a second continuously for two months, would you be invested?

Would you be thinking you were wasting the blue chew every time you put your poppin'?

Oh, I popped it every time.

Oh, it's every night, every time you.

Oh, and he only gets a second.

That's the part I didn't understand.

Keep a blue chew in business.

No, I would stop.

I would, I'll really stop going on dates with this person.

I'm like, we've been going out for a month, and we're still in second base.

Like, how old are we?

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

Well, for me, me, it's too long.

He's Brian Quinn.

Two hours.

I know.

Well, I mean, I'm 43.

I mean,

I don't want to.

You'll say you're not Brian Quinn.

At least you say you're just.

No, I think it's more of an ace thing.

Like, I mean, how old are we?

No, I just think it's, like you said, you just need it for that little extra giddy up.

No, no, I'm talking about staying on second base, not getting it up.

At my age, a woman's like...

It's a girl with morals.

Yeah, she's a Grace Kelly type.

That's great.

She could watch all the Netflix she'd like on her own.

But yeah, two months is too long.

At our age, you need a sure thing, right?

Like, you need a.

I mean, I'll give you till the third date before we start making things happen.

Yeah.

Really, if by the end of the second date, I mean, not in a forceful way, but I'd be like, okay, she's not

into it.

What a gentleman.

But I would be like, I guess she's just not into this.

That's the old school integrity you're talking about.

I'm going to chase you around to the fourth week.

I'd be like, get out of here.

But you wouldn't like the chase.

You wouldn't like to challenge.

Oh, God, no.

I thought that's what, like, I've seen a lot of hallmark movies where they fucking dudes love that

dudes love that man the girl who's like no hey baby you're not getting any of this and then it's like the whole is that the way she's saying it she's like she sounds like rosie perez she's like hey mookie

you're not gonna fuck me mookie

i think our ad person's gonna get a little upset here we're going off i don't think it's a healthy attitude towards sex

to wait two months Sometimes you just want to be sure.

When you're younger, yeah, but in the fucking, when you hit yourself.

When you're older, you don't still want to be like fucking making.

You want to make sure, you know, you only got a little lib and you're going to be able to do it.

No, you don't.

You want to make sure that.

What do you want to make sure of?

You want to make sure that this is the right one for once.

For what?

To fuck?

Yeah.

Aren't they all the right one until you find the right one?

The really right one?

Hold on, let me write that down in my journal.

He brought it up.

That's a good one.

That's a good one.

Look at him.

Right.

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So I got on

one of these Cosmo sites.

Okay.

And it's about you just got engaged.

Oh, good.

We need tips.

There's some things here that I'd like to let you guys in on that you may be stressing about and may not even have thought of.

All right, you got some tips and advice.

Good.

It's just some of these things.

It says here, don't forget your buddies now that you're engaged.

Make sure that you

don't forget the other people in your life and lean on them and celebrate with them.

Okay.

You think I'll do that?

Forget my buddies?

Probably not.

You'd have to have a buddy to forget them.

Oh, no.

She has no buddy but you.

That's it.

I've made her completely dependent on me.

That's what you do.

That's what I do, baby.

Parents won't talk to you.

You got me.

You call me daddy.

I haven't talked to my friends.

Call me daddy.

Yeah,

what's the think?

My mom's excited.

My aunt is even more excited, it seems.

And my dad, I haven't talked to.

Yeah, I found that.

Is that, you think, intentional?

He hasn't talked to you about it?

No,

I don't really talk to him a whole lot.

Yeah, it was not a bad one.

I didn't have daddy issues or anything.

Yeah, not at all.

Granddaddy issues.

I didn't think he did.

Right?

It's pretty functional, I think.

For his, like, on the surface, as much as it's like, it looks weird.

it is fairly functional except for like really

like like almost every problem is my fault in terms of like

getting mad and

like that kind of shit I need more tips what else you got this

can be exciting just because your relationship is an official one now

you don't have to turn into the Siamese twins Familiarity may not breed contempt here, but boredom definitely could.

So do you guys spend too much time together?

Yes.

Definitely.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Jesus!

Let him get the question out.

You're not a professional podcaster.

Don't talk over them.

Let him get the question out before you humiliate me.

I mean, you do guys spend quite a bit of time together, right?

Yes.

That's both great, but also like

Ms.

Miss Miss Metropolitan here says on the website, you know, could cause problems down the line if you guys are always together.

Right.

So I should get some time away, like if I went to Thailand.

I don't know how you would rectify that,

but you know.

Well, she has friends.

She's fucking around.

She has friends.

They just all live far away.

Accept his little idiosyncrasies.

Of course, the point of engagement is not to all spend your waking hours apart either.

You'll definitely be around each other quite a bit.

And this is when you'll become familiar with his little and not-so-little

There's no

letting them infuriate you.

Accept them as you would like him to live with yours.

Yeah, that's true.

Accepting.

Yeah, a little bit here.

Does he have idiosyncrasies?

Or idiosyncrasies, either one.

Well,

getting mad.

Getting mad.

I like having a bedroom door.

So

they used to have some adorable ones too, right?

Yeah, name some cute ones.

You know, when I destroy a little door, like on a cabinet rather than a big door.

What's a quirk that you just are like, oh, I love that.

Nobody sees that but me.

Yeah, what's that?

I like when you get your reading glasses out and have to look at something

when you can actually find your reading glasses.

When I like to be there with them

if you need them.

So you're like, she does carry a lot.

Like she carries my reading glasses and all kinds of stuff in her purse for me sanny wipes.

Now I have a fan handbag.

Anytime I need something, it is like it's awesome.

It's like being a baby.

I carry all things good nurses.

And my parents go.

He will soon turn into the fucking biggest, nastiest baby ever in a couple of years.

Yeah.

I'll definitely be wearing a diaper.

They're living nurse.

Yeah, I'll definitely be wearing a diaper.

Also, it says here, don't turn into the nag monster.

She knows that.

Did you hear about the fucking commercials of the van in this episode?

Oh, my god.

Why'd I gotta say World Star?

Why do they gotta say World Star?

That's our money.

Nagging.

Here's number seven.

Figure out money matters.

Right.

You're a spendthrift.

He's a miser, or vice versa.

That's not the best relationship.

Who is it?

Whatever the case, no one can and must change overnight.

You need to compromise on a reasonable middle path.

Do do you find that, like, with your own marriage, Walt, you would be the guy, successful marriage, quarter of a century?

Yes.

Do you find these things

to be

timeless?

Absolutely.

All these things matter.

All these things, you know, you may make fun of them and you may like, you know, take the piss out of these things, but they're important, though.

One of the biggest ones is stop overanalyzing.

Over questioning.

the 35-digit number?

Okay.

It's my life now.

Accept the transition from I to we.

So you're the new age superwoman pulling off a mean balancing act between work, a personal life, and a social life.

You're loved and valued your freedom a bit too much.

Okay, you've loved and valued your freedom a bit too much.

Don't obsess about what you could lose after the I turns to we.

Put those rose-tinted glasses on instead.

I think you've been wearing those glasses.

She came equipped with them.

She got contacts in, I guess.

Along when you was searching for his glasses, you

found your rose-blue-tinted ones, I think.

Yeah, I said to her, you said something, and I've heard this repeated.

I hear like happy wife, happy life.

I heard you say it.

And I always thought of it as like

submitting.

Like, just keep her happy, and then you won't have have to hear bullshit.

But I was thinking about it, and I'm like, maybe it means like

if she's happy, it makes you feel happy.

It's not about like

being subservient.

Fuck this.

Is that it?

I quit.

I quit the podcast.

Oh, this is what it's going to be going forward.

I'm out.

The last episode.

Why are you wearing that shirt, Quinn?

It looks so much better with that one.

I want off this podcast.

Let's see what Sal wants to do with Seymour.

Tell him, Steve, babe.

that's a good one

i knew it'd get you i knew it would get you

does anybody want to hear a happy brian johnson i we're gonna find that

don't worry you do you do on our listener base show i know you do but does the listener base want to hear a happy brian johnson okay you know what i'll tell you this one i got okay so i'm engaged for uh a week no two less than 48 hours we went from Key West to Miami.

And once in Miami, I was like, I know why people want to build a wall.

Now,

I know you don't want to hear this, this wall stuff, but I want to build a wall now.

And I want to go right to Mexico on the border and take that wall, disassemble that wall, and put it up between America and Germany and the fucking and France because those are the fucking cocksuckers I would like to keep out of the fucking country.

Germans and French.

They're rude and they're fucking assholes.

It's fucking 5.55 in the morning.

We're in the Kimpton, like not a shitty hotel.

There's, what's it?

The balcony out there.

And I hear all this noise.

It's raining outside.

5.55.

I go out there.

It's this fucking German family with two kids.

Anti-Semites.

Flapping their jaws.

And I'm like, I go, it's six o'clock in the morning.

And what?

What do you say?

Oh, yeah.

First, I said, shh, that's right.

Yeah, you have a better memory for this kind of shit because I'm so mad at the time.

So I'm like, shh, you know, be quiet.

And they look at me and I'm like, it's six o'clock in the morning.

You're a fucking happy man.

That shit shouldn't matter anymore.

Oh, it matters.

He's trying to sleep.

I'm trying to sleep.

I'm trying to sleep.

And she's trying to sleep.

My goddamn woman's trying to sleep.

She needs her beauty rest.

Yeah, but you're sleeping on a fucking cloud, baby.

You should have been on a cloud.

Yeah, well,

I'll tell you what.

I should have been.

And they knocked me off because then she's like,

she goes, we know.

I go, then be quiet.

Be quiet then.

Yeah, I said, shh, again.

Then be quiet.

Shush, I said.

And I shut the door, and then they were quiet after that.

I almost got hit in the face that same night by some dumb fucking,

remember the lady was waving her arms around?

Wasn't that the same?

Remember the, it was a tall, blonde lady.

She almost hit me in the face, waving her arms around.

And then there was another lady there was another family in the fucking i almost broke my hand my podcast is gonna be fun waltz i almost broke my hand the next night we were in a holiday inn and this

these people were letting their kids scream well we had to go to west palm the next west palm then we left kids screaming 11 o'clock at night i pounded on the door that separates the room so hard that i was like i didn't tell her but i'm like i might i think i might have broken my hand but i'm like shut the fuck up like people are so rude yeah and it's these fucking fucking European, not the UK people, they're cool, but the French and the Germans, fuck all of you.

Wow, yeah.

I'm tired of them.

We got some German Patreon listeners.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You suck a little dick before we go real quick.

I mean, look.

The Germans had reasons for doing anything they've done.

I'm not here to judge.

I'm just saying.

That's all I'm saying.

That's a name of the family.

That's a family man right there.

He's a provider.

Look at him providing.

He's got the tip in his mouth.