#407: Hair by Jeffrëy

Speaker 1 She's like, Daddy, Daddy, I want a I want balloons.

Speaker 1 Break out the buzzers, break out the buzzers, and the Batman. The Batman logo stencil,

Speaker 1 Tell him, Steve, Dave. Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve.
Dave, it was almost an edition of the all-new Pucknuts Walt, but then Ming Had to Go.

Speaker 1 We do have Sunday Jeff here,

Speaker 1 which is always a treat. Oh, wow.
It's not like that divisive get him.

Speaker 1 No. Yeah, get him.

Speaker 1 Get him causes lines to be drawn in the sand between listeners. And comments to be made.

Speaker 1 Silence is going.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so we don't have Q this

Speaker 1 week. I did want to ask him something, though.
I guess I can ask you guys this.

Speaker 1 Actually, first, Walt I wanted to ask you.

Speaker 1 This seems like

Speaker 1 I was surprised that you didn't start it. But all these negative comments on the internet that you don't like.
Yes.

Speaker 1 They're sort of, yeah, the trolls.

Speaker 1 Social media goes wild for toasting.

Speaker 1 A viral anti-roasting trend that sees internet users building each other up rather than slinging insults and leaving catty comments.

Speaker 1 Do you? Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's like that's a real thing. I haven't heard about this.
I guess so. It's toasting instead of roasting.
I like that.

Speaker 1 If you go to on Reddit, it says here, the toast me thread, and then, because you can, there's also a roasting thread. But I guess the toasting is,

Speaker 1 this is where

Speaker 1 maybe a little bit,

Speaker 1 you and I will diverge in opinion. It's basically people fishing for compliments.
Like, they'll go on there and they'll be like,

Speaker 1 going into a depressive episode the first day of finals.

Speaker 1 Oh, going into a depressive episode the first day of finals week is rough. Could use a toast.
Oh, that's just people like, you know, in the world we live in, everybody's so stressed out. I mean,

Speaker 1 if you could toast somebody and brighten their day,

Speaker 1 I say, why not? Give them a toast. Don't you do it, though? Kind of in real life.
Like, don't you? Yeah, but I mean, but I'm talking about online, though.

Speaker 1 Because I'm not like, well, I'm not trolling anybody in real life. Most people don't troll people.
Bullshit.

Speaker 1 Bullshit.

Speaker 1 But most people don't troll people in their real life. You're saying, like, you know, don't you do that in real life? You toast people.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 there's.

Speaker 1 You have to get it. You have to feel like if it makes you feel good, you might, you know.

Speaker 1 You might find some joy out of toasting somebody and knowing that you made their day. A total, complete stranger, right? You tell the, you went over and got a coffee.

Speaker 1 You just told that person, the guy gave you the coffee, you're like, you make a good cup of coffee. Good cup of Joe, brother.

Speaker 1 You know, I mean, but then you go on then, and then you toast, and then you go on Starbucks on what's it called?

Speaker 1 You leave a, you, you tweet Starbucks, tell them

Speaker 1 that Joe makes the best frickin'. And you toast

Speaker 1 an employee at Red Bank.

Speaker 1 Well, it's probably usually on the receipts. All to and win.
On the receipts, it's like you can comment on the service or whatever.

Speaker 1 So you could just, every time you get a cup of coffee, Sunday, you go and you

Speaker 1 toast him.

Speaker 1 Okay, here's one,

Speaker 1 a female who says, a year ago, my boyfriend of four years left me for another girl.

Speaker 1 I'm in a much better place than I was, but knowing that the anniversary of that day is coming up, and the fact that they have a baby due in a month

Speaker 1 is wearing on me a bit. Plus, I'm also having a bit of a quarter life crisis.
Could use some toasting. And then, you know, you see her picture.

Speaker 1 Very pretty girl. Yeah, that's hard to,

Speaker 1 those problems are a little bit harder to

Speaker 1 get away with a toast.

Speaker 1 What is someone going to say?

Speaker 1 What toast is

Speaker 1 what glass is going to be raised? What toast is going to be? Raising, you know,

Speaker 1 a child and, you know, a single parent. I mean,

Speaker 1 the obstacles you face are a bit more lofty than a toast can solve. Well, no, she's saying that

Speaker 1 her ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend are expecting a baby. They're expecting a baby.
So I guess she thought she was... Okay, so a year ago, my boyfriend of four years left me.

Speaker 1 So if she's 25 now and left a year ago, so then what? The math is 19.

Speaker 1 The toast, the only toast should be, thank your lucky stars that you did not

Speaker 1 get married, have a kid, and all this other shit. before you were 25 years old.

Speaker 1 Like that's that's the toast.

Speaker 1 Did you send that? I didn't. I just thought of it right now.

Speaker 1 Shut that boy out. Get that out there.

Speaker 1 I just don't know. Like, what, yeah, like, what, even this lady, though, what do you say to her? That's like, if you're missing the dude after a year, and that means you immediately bang that chick

Speaker 1 and they're having a baby. Because, I mean, no, the math would, yeah, the math would line up almost immediately.
They almost immediately had a baby.

Speaker 1 They probably waited at least three months to have, you know,

Speaker 1 I'm not talking about the deed, the actual deed. I'm saying that's awfully quick to meet someone and then be like, now we're going to have a kid.
Oh, you think that's a good idea?

Speaker 1 Like, that's she should. No, it was not planned.
That's why she should be thankful she's not in that situation. Yeah.
There's your toast. There's your toast.
Quit your fucking crying.

Speaker 1 In a new country for my master's degree, struggling to find a job. Parents of Visa got rejected, and

Speaker 1 they can't make it to my graduation. I guess he looks sort of Middle Eastern-y.

Speaker 1 You could.

Speaker 1 end the same day my girlfriend of almost five years broke up with me. I really need a win.

Speaker 1 On the day you're graduating, she broke up with you? The day that he's graduating, and his, or it might be the same day his parents' visa got rejected.

Speaker 1 He's also struggling to find a job in a new country. I'm assuming it's America, but I'm not sure.

Speaker 1 What happened to the graduation? It's just that his parents can't, his parents can't make it to his graduation. Oh, because they got denied the visa.
Because they got denied the visa.

Speaker 1 And I I guess the same day his parents' visa got denied, his girlfriend of almost five years broke up with him.

Speaker 1 You know what?

Speaker 1 He needs to win. You're here.
You're in the greatest country in the world.

Speaker 1 You graduated from one of our finest universities.

Speaker 1 Let me see if he mentions

Speaker 1 Masters University College. And if you could maybe make a video of yourself.
and then send it to your parents

Speaker 1 or live snap it. Is that what they call it? A snapshot? A live it.
Skype it. Live it.
Skype it. A live it.

Speaker 1 And maybe they could watch it from if they have the internet, wherever country they're in. You know, that's, you know, what are you going to do?

Speaker 1 That's the way you like it.

Speaker 1 Now you're in America. American girls are the best.
Oh, the pussy out there, brother.

Speaker 1 American girls are the greatest. The greatest girls in the world.
You don't know it at the time, but probably like, how much better is your graduation going to be?

Speaker 1 Because your parents are there, all right? So just toss that out. Forget about that.

Speaker 1 Struggling to to find a job, that sucks. But the girl.

Speaker 1 But you got a degree. That's got to count for something.
It's got a bachelor's degree. It doesn't count for much anymore.
No, not really.

Speaker 1 That's why he's trying to get a master's because a bachelor's doesn't mean shit.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 I wonder what kind of win, though.

Speaker 1 Does anyone ever say anything to you that you're like, point Flanagan?

Speaker 1 Any compliment that someone does?

Speaker 1 Any sort of toast?

Speaker 1 Point?

Speaker 1 Point set match? Yeah, like Point Flanagan. Like, I just scored a win for the day.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Does anybody ever say that? I mean, is there a compliment that someone could say to you when you're having a bad day? Any kind of toast?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm sure that there is.

Speaker 1 I mean, who amongst us is so jaded that they can't use a compliment here or there, even on, you know,

Speaker 1 even on your good days? I would imagine you still like a compliment here.

Speaker 1 It could be better.

Speaker 1 A well-timed toasting to really make my day.

Speaker 1 I don't imagine, you don't take compliments very well.

Speaker 1 Doesn't it make you feel weird when people tell you something nice about yourself?

Speaker 1 Like you want to move on? Yeah, yeah, I'd like to move on. But I mean,

Speaker 1 at the end of the day, when I'm lying, though, when I'm lying there before I fall asleep and I take, you know, and I replay what happened during the day, I'll stay in that moment a little bit longer.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Nice little toast. Yeah.
It's a quality. Just, you know, in my head,

Speaker 1 I'll replay that moment.

Speaker 1 And the things I should have said.

Speaker 1 Get the fuck out of the store.

Speaker 1 You're going to buy something? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Any particular comment, compliment you like Sunday, Jeff? What's your favorite compliment? I like your hair, Do. Yeah.
Thanks. Looking good.
You're going to just get a haircut? No. Do it myself.

Speaker 1 Do it yourself? I do it. Yeah, I cut my hair myself.
You do a damn good job.

Speaker 1 It's one length. It takes a buzzer and he buzzes over it.

Speaker 1 Is that all you do? Don't over, man. Don't do any kind of, you know, look in a magazine and try to to like.
No, this ain't barbershop.

Speaker 1 You try to like,

Speaker 1 yo, do the back, bitch.

Speaker 1 You know what? It's, it's perfectly even.

Speaker 1 And I don't know how you do that. How do you do that in the back as well

Speaker 1 as the front, really? Just take a mirror. Yeah, I looked in the mirror.
Yeah, like you said, though, it's only one attachment. Wow.
I mean,

Speaker 1 have you always done that? No, I just, when I started wearing shorter hair, I just did it. I can't have long hair.
I know, I know, but what made you say, you know what? I'm going to do this.

Speaker 1 Because after going to a barber and seeing what they do all the time, I like picked up on it. I was like, this doesn't look that difficult.
So let me give it a little. If I invest in a buzzer.

Speaker 1 Three hair cuts. Best $30 freaking dollars I ever invested in, man.
I tell you, it's just like,

Speaker 1 it's like shaving cheap.

Speaker 1 So if I want the buzz cut, you would buzz it for me? Oh, yeah. All right.
I might think about that. No need to go Sunday, Joe.
You could put Giddam's name in the side of your head.

Speaker 1 You can't do it like a little fade. I can do a fade.
Fade on the sides. Can you put like a little Batman symbol on the back of my back of my head?

Speaker 1 Let's pick them up. Circa 1989.

Speaker 1 Which Batman symbol do you want? Which one?

Speaker 1 Scotty eyes. You want the big eyes? Which one do you want? Oh, no, just the Batman.
The Bat symbol. Remember, everybody was putting that in their hairdo in the 80s?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I'm saying I was doing like, you know, like the 60s kind of Batman

Speaker 1 where he had the eyes.

Speaker 1 Batman symbol never had eyes, bro. I'm talking about the TV show, the 66 TV show.
Right, you were talking about giving me a, you were talking about an Adam West Cowell?

Speaker 1 Okay, nobody's ever had that before. And I would.

Speaker 1 While you do a great job with your clippers, I don't know if you could do a Batman's cowl. I don't know if I'd be the guinea pig for that.
Yeah, really. This is a bat symbol that Walt's looking for.

Speaker 1 You can't do that? You can't do that? Yeah, I could probably do that. Because if you took like...

Speaker 1 Well, because it's a black kid.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, that's

Speaker 1 not worse. Look how dark that is.
Yeah, they must have dyed it.

Speaker 1 It's definitely, it's actually kind of crappy looking.

Speaker 1 Can you do anything with dyes? Because

Speaker 1 I'll need to get my hair dyed too after we get get the buzz done.

Speaker 1 Could you dye my hair as well? How hairy is your chest? Walt, you want a chest bath symbol too?

Speaker 1 You should get that and surprise your wife.

Speaker 1 If I bring the Just for Men over, could you also dye my hair? I'll give it a try. I'm not afraid of it.
Full service. Yeah, full service.
Give you a hot towel.

Speaker 1 Just that. That's it.
Don't buy yourself. Yeah, don't go crazy.
Want to shave? It's not a bath house. It's a respectable barber shop.

Speaker 1 I have more helmets. What do you want?

Speaker 1 So, how much do you think you've saved on haircuts over the last days? How much, anyways? They're just like 10 or 12 bucks. And how often do you need to break out the clippers?

Speaker 1 Every six weeks, two, three times a day. The way you said it, like that, every six weeks, huh? Yeah, it grows quick.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Something we didn't know. I did not know.
He cut his own hair. You and Giddam.

Speaker 1 What's he thought? See, Giddam looks like he cuts his own hair. Something Jeff.

Speaker 1 It's like he combs it with an egg beater, and it looks like he cuts it with a little bit of a butter. No hedge clippers.
So if, let's say,

Speaker 1 if you were released from your job, God forbid, would you ever consider opening up a Jeff's barbershop? No. Why? Yeah, what would you do?

Speaker 1 I don't know, find something similar to what I was doing before. Yeah.
You wouldn't think. Actually, I wouldn't want to do any of that.

Speaker 1 You want to start up your little own business where you get to run the show. You put a little

Speaker 1 barbershop pole in front of your apartment? Man, I'd want unlicensed.

Speaker 1 Here, you're like, what'd you like? My look, mine's spinning the opposite way. It's going to the ground.

Speaker 1 The condo association is like, Jeffrey,

Speaker 1 we're not zoned for you to be to open up a barbershop.

Speaker 1 I wanted to talk to you. Look like you could use a little trim.
Why don't you come in? On the house, on the house. It's not a barbershop.

Speaker 1 I'm not cutting hair in here.

Speaker 1 What would you think that? I'm out there sitting on a chair. It's like, what do you want, buddy? Cut 10 bucks.
Cut.

Speaker 1 Come on in. It's like Sployd's barbershop from Andy Grove and you're sitting out, do you get them in some strange guy? Newspaper.

Speaker 1 You ready for a cut?

Speaker 1 It's like I remember the old day when my father used to get haircuts. Like, when we went to the barber, they used to have Playboys.
Really? Yeah, my father. Your dad would let you look at a Playboy.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, not me, but I'm saying they would have like men's magazines, and then they had like when, you know, they had the other. They had a Playgirl? Oh, I don't know about that.

Speaker 1 Was your barbershop that progressive back in the 70s? Strictly, I think it was strictly men's. It wasn't like a did any women get their haircut there? Not that I know of it.

Speaker 1 So, this was only a dude's place when I was in the case. Every time I was in there, it was so that they would have

Speaker 1 let me see your wrist. Playboy, I mean,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah, your dad will look at the playboys while he was waiting for you to get your haircut.

Speaker 1 He wasn't doing anything at the time, right?

Speaker 1 So, could that fly today?

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 it would be fucked up, right?

Speaker 1 I guess it could if it was strictly just a men's barbershop barb.

Speaker 1 but still that's the but that's like saying every guy that walks in and get a haircut is down with seeing no a magazine with totally naked well it's there it's just

Speaker 1 i'm not like shoving in your face you want to see what if you open it up i happen to look over if i happen to look over at you i'm like i want to start a conversation like oh how long you been here and i look over and you're like you're staring like rabbit-eyed at a

Speaker 1 at some boof

Speaker 1 but if somebody complains about that you've just sussed about you're like sorry this is a men's fucking barbershop. If the sight of titties offend you, there's the door.

Speaker 1 When you open up your barbershop,

Speaker 1 do not get a subscription to Playboy

Speaker 1 for the waiting room.

Speaker 1 Is Maxim still being published? You can get Maxim, like some bikini. Please action figure

Speaker 1 toy news, all the old ones.

Speaker 1 I used to have this toy. Toy shop nurse.
Toys there.

Speaker 1 I was holding up my supplies. She was like,

Speaker 1 there's all the titty books that used to be here. So I got rid of them.
Toy shop.

Speaker 1 I had a customer come in and complain. Lippity customers.

Speaker 1 He came in and

Speaker 1 they wanted a Batman symbol in his head.

Speaker 1 Combining uppity and lippity.

Speaker 1 Oh, the 90s. Those were good times.
They put a sweet Batman symbol in his head, and then he left after complaining about the boobs.

Speaker 1 Would you feel weird

Speaker 1 when you had to touch another man's head to like when you have to cut their hair? Or wash it? Or wash it. It's kind of intimate washing someone's hair, right?

Speaker 1 You only do that with a lover, usually. Yeah, you ever wash your lover's hair.

Speaker 1 I remember when I was a kid, though, I remember

Speaker 1 getting wash from some of the girls leaning over in your face.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 They wouldn't have that at Jeffrey's salon. You wouldn't have that treatment, though.
Unless they're mantis.

Speaker 1 Strictly militant cut. That's all we do.
No wash, just shave.

Speaker 1 If you wear a wife beater, you might get more.

Speaker 1 Those customers might be able to see some titties.

Speaker 1 So wait, he takes out the titty books and institutes

Speaker 1 a wife eater slash cleavage policy. I don't know.
This is not the men's barbershop I was hoping for.

Speaker 1 Trying a new, we're going in a different direction.

Speaker 1 What's the choice of music

Speaker 1 in Jeffree's salon?

Speaker 1 Fucking soundtracks to movies and shit. Godfather.

Speaker 1 Epic soundtracks. Yeah, three.

Speaker 1 You know what this is?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you better not open that barbershop. It'd be my first customer.

Speaker 1 Come out with a bloody ear and shit. Be done.
Don't go here. Forget about it.
It's odd, though. You don't think about it that much.
Like at our age, saying, all right, I got to start a new career.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because it's so difficult.

Speaker 1 They don't want kids who are willing to work for nothing, pretty much.

Speaker 1 I mean, like any college-age student you talk to, they're like, everyone basically tries to use this internship as like free labor. So hardly anyone can get paid.

Speaker 1 Even when they're in that school, the kids aren't making the same, you know,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 There's just not enough jobs.

Speaker 1 They're paying all that college tuition off. It takes them forever.
Yeah. You're already starting off with a problem.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're getting to the point where we're going to have to

Speaker 1 pull the old

Speaker 1 old-timer thing. Remember, we're going to say you want to rob a bag

Speaker 1 and be so old that they'll be like, I mean, look at these cute old guys are harmless, right?

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I don't know. Still cash in the banks, anyways, no more.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't see that happening anymore. So, like, or ever.
Maybe in the 20s with Bonnie and Clyde, like, people, there was nothing else going on.

Speaker 1 So people got really excited about these outlaws crossing the country, blowing people away and robbing banks and fighting with the marshals and all that shit. But today, yeah, it has the

Speaker 1 mystique is gone.

Speaker 1 We don't romance the bank robber anymore. We don't romanticize him.
Now people romanticize cartel leaders

Speaker 1 vis-a-vis like Narcos or

Speaker 1 serial killers are called a romanticize. We do that.
Yeah, it's a society. Any number of murders, like that ID channel, right? I haven't had it in some time.
It's still.

Speaker 1 I don't know if romanticize is the right word, but we

Speaker 1 are

Speaker 1 fascinated.

Speaker 1 In our entertainment, a lot of our entertainment is built around that real-life crime and shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, the more documentaries like Making a Murderer and the staircase and all this shit that comes out that people like, it only encourages people to make more.

Speaker 1 And like, I don't know, like, if you're

Speaker 1 a survivor of the victim of a... a violent crime and somebody's just making a story that's kind of mirrors your loved one's experience.
Yeah, so you don't have to have to give you any money?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's pretty shitty. Yeah, let's talk about getting victimized all over again.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 There's, wow, match game.

Speaker 1 It was match game 78. It had to be right around the time of Son of Sam because Brett Summers is so worked up about someone.

Speaker 1 She never says it, but someone profiting. from their crime, and it should be against the law, because I guess the Son of Sam law obviously hadn't been put into effect yet.

Speaker 1 And she is unhappy about it. And

Speaker 1 How many times did she have to go on this diet? Three different times she tried to start it up, and Gene Rayburn's like, all right, all right. You're going to play a game.

Speaker 1 By the end of Match Game 78 Season 2, Gene Rayburn does not acknowledge anything she says. Like, she'll make a joke or she'll make a little comment.
It's like she never even said it.

Speaker 1 He just quickly moves on.

Speaker 1 I know that. I've done that when I've been playing a game on the TSD.
I've moved on from like Giddem's ramblings. Oh, yeah, I got it, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, him going on about some Reddit conspiracy or some shit. You got to tune that out.

Speaker 1 And also, you know, I never saw you make mistakes like Gene does. Like, a couple times so far, he'll say the answer as he's telling the lady.
That's my job.

Speaker 1 It's like, what the fuck? And then, like, in the, like, you see it in his face in the moment after he's, it was like, the all-vampire baseball team

Speaker 1 couldn't believe when they went into their dugout and all they could find were,

Speaker 1 and then he goes, bats. He says the word bats.
And then everyone's like, oh, do you ever wonder why they left it in, too? Like, it wasn't live. There's so many things that they could take out

Speaker 1 then or now.

Speaker 1 Or now.

Speaker 1 Some of the stuff they say is like... Y'all wouldn't want to watch in

Speaker 1 a 2019 edited version, would you?

Speaker 1 No, definitely not. But the way everyone's so fucking touchy about anything said, I'm surprised that they're not.
Well, I think that shows you the viewership of that channel and those.

Speaker 1 They can handle it.

Speaker 1 it's so minuscule that they're not even

Speaker 1 they aren't even getting a Nielsen point probably or or whatever right like like Jeff Bezos isn't like can we get the rest of the season's a match game because we're cleaning up with this shit

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 Charles Nelson Riley is the best there was um there's there's a moment where and if you don't know these names I'm I'm saying you have to just look them up

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 1 they announce all the people like they do in the beginning, and there's two people missing, and it's Gary Bergeroff and what's her name, Patty Deutsch.

Speaker 1 And Gene comes out looking like he's holding them. They're walking, but he has them cradled and they're both sucking their thumbs as if they're babies.
Because somebody had a baby, right?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't know why they were doing it.
Nobody on the panel had a baby. I'm not sure who had a baby.
That part I may have missed, but it wasn't funny. It was weird.

Speaker 1 And you're like, what's going on? There was no real clear explanation. And then Charles Nelson Riley holds up a little card and it says, the baby stuff bombed.

Speaker 1 And he's constantly calling shit out like if Gene fucks something up.

Speaker 1 He was the best, man.

Speaker 1 I read something the other day about him where there was this

Speaker 1 Hartford circus fire. It was like the deadliest circus fire in the country or whatever.
And he was there at the time.

Speaker 1 As a spectator. He was like eight.
It was like in 1944 or something. And

Speaker 1 he said in his, in his, this monologue that he did, that he wanted to go to the circus. His mother said no.

Speaker 1 And then his mother caught he and a friend or him and his brother or something sneaking away to go to the circus. And as they're sneaking away, his mother's like, I hope it burns to the ground.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 there you go.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I mean, I mean, he said it.
Like, he said it. So I don't know.
It's possible.

Speaker 1 And I guess what they used to do was they'd take these big canvas tents. and they would soak them with gasoline and then put paraffine paraffin wax on them to for waterproofing.

Speaker 1 And so somebody lights it up, the whole fucking tent goes up, and then all the wax is dripping down on people. Like for you.

Speaker 1 So in an era when smoking was that, like everybody on the face of the planet was smoking. Smoking on the games.
Everyone has a cigar. Everyone has a cigar.

Speaker 1 They'd be dousing the tents and gasoline.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I mean, I guess it was the only available, like nylon was invented like a little bit after.

Speaker 1 You know, I guess. I don't know.
It was fucking crazy.

Speaker 1 All right, Sunday, Jeff. You're in the market for a new mattress.
Wore the old one out, knocked in boots and shit. Pounding.
That's not how he wore it out. It's not how did he wear it out?

Speaker 1 He just sleeps a lot.

Speaker 1 Okay, he's tired. I'm comfortable.
Well, hey, it doesn't matter. Casper's got you covered.
Fucking rip van, winkle, no pussy-gut motherfucker. I use it as a bed in the tomb at the same time.

Speaker 1 It's designed by humans for humans. Are you tired of robots

Speaker 1 designing your mattresses? Other than sleeping and some nighttime activities. What's your third favorite thing to do in bed? Watch TV.

Speaker 1 I would put TV above sleeping. I don't really have a lot of fun while I'm sleeping, at least not that I'm aware of.
You don't like to sleep, man. Sometimes, man, it is the best, man.

Speaker 1 When you would just hit that, like, it's like really cold out. You hear that wind whistling and you put those covers on.
The rain. Oh, and the rain is going to be.
Oh, my God, man.

Speaker 1 You're like, man, this is the best. Only if you have the right mattress, though.
Yeah, you need a, yeah. to complete it and make it truly the best, you need a Casper.
You definitely do.

Speaker 1 I was going to say eating in bed. Eating in all? I never would eat it.
You know, I don't like to eat in bed?

Speaker 1 I'm not getting around. I've said this before.
Like, 90% of my meals are taken in bed watching TV.

Speaker 1 If I could get a blowjob while I was doing it, I'd never leave the room.

Speaker 1 Let's see. The original Casper mattress combines multiple.
You know, you can turn that dinger off, right?

Speaker 1 I know. Fuck it.
Nobody can hear it, can they?

Speaker 1 Probably.

Speaker 1 The original Casper mattress combines multiple supportive memory foams for a quality sleep service. Round six.

Speaker 1 I don't get this many messages all day long. Now we're doing an ad.
The right amount of sink and bounce is what we're looking for here Sunday, Jeff. Do I like to read in bed? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what do you like to read in bed?

Speaker 1 What's the last book you read in bed?

Speaker 1 It wasn't a book. His magazine was Fangoria.

Speaker 1 I heard that we missed a Fangoria and you were pissed off. I wasn't pissed off.

Speaker 1 You didn't order a Fangoria? Yeah, the previews that we missed a Fangoria and you were annoyed. He wasn't toasting you.

Speaker 1 Check my guest.

Speaker 1 Because it's only print to press. It's only direct market now.
It's not available outside. So you have to get it.

Speaker 1 You can't get it from Barnes and Noble anyway. It's gone.

Speaker 1 And now when we do the previews and we submit the diamond, was this at a point where you would have written it in the previews magazine or in the catalog?

Speaker 1 Probably I marked it in the big book or the thin book.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's probably before that. So it's probably with the order form.
Yeah, probably what you did was put a little

Speaker 1 pencil

Speaker 1 on, and I probably didn't even see it. That's right.
I heard that you were freaking out saying that these Fangorias go for $100 on the aftermarket. No, motherfucker.
They're up there.

Speaker 1 Do get up there quick. Fangoria? First off, it's the biggest ass-kissing magazine ever.
Is it horror? We love it.

Speaker 1 It's unbelievably biased towards everything. So I guess people will talk to them.
Because if it's like, oh, this horror movie sucked, they're like, well, fuck you.

Speaker 1 We're not not going to talk to you anymore.

Speaker 1 You know, like companies are like, yeah, they got to play a game. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So the last thing you read in bed was a Fangoria magazine. Last Fangoria.
The last draft of his suicide note.

Speaker 1 He's right, though. It is not that good because a lot of times by the time it's published, because it's only quarterly now, it's like this.

Speaker 1 If it stinks, why are you angry? No, because I like the first issue.

Speaker 1 The first two issues are. Oh, the whole collection? Oh, this is actually.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this is volume two.

Speaker 1 Oh, so it's not like you have hundreds of issues. Yes, he does.
He has a lot of fun. I have the original.
The original run was good.

Speaker 1 Now, do you find yourself when you read a magazine like that before going to bed, you have bad nightmares?

Speaker 1 No, I get sometimes kinks in the neck, though.

Speaker 1 Kinks in the neck from, you know, just like reading the magazine. You sleep in the reading position.
You got to get a Casper then. Tell him some of those bullet points.

Speaker 1 I'm not kidding. What are they?

Speaker 1 Kinks in the neck.

Speaker 1 Kinks in the neck? Well, look, man.

Speaker 1 The wave. There's four mattresses.

Speaker 1 No, wait. Four other mattresses.
So now there's a total of five. The wave, the the essential, the hybrid, the hybrid wave, and then I guess there's a regular one.

Speaker 1 The wave features a patent-pending premium support system to mirror the natural shape of your body, despite how dysmorphic it may be, Sunday Jeff.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I start to like trip over the side at night. Plus, you don't got to worry about the money because it has designed at a price that won't keep you up at night.
The essential.

Speaker 1 Array of other products like pillows and sheets. And here's what I know you love because you're a patriot, Sunday Jeff, all designed, developed, and assembled in the United States.
Nice.

Speaker 1 And like a true capitalist, they cut out the middleman so they can sell it directly to you.

Speaker 1 You get a little bit of savings. Well, you know, you make a little more money.

Speaker 1 Let's not be too hard on the middleman because, Jeff, you are basically a middleman, right? Oh, fuck. You are so non-essential.

Speaker 1 You are like on Shin Edward's list. You are going to the side.
You're basically like,

Speaker 1 we liked.

Speaker 1 Not really. I'm not.
Oh, come on. You don't fucking do any of the real work.
You just fucking set it up. You're a middleman.
You facilitate. That's it.
Well, I mean, let's call a spade a spade, bro.

Speaker 1 This is hard to hear. We know.

Speaker 1 I just shot it over a fucking

Speaker 1 I'm an important man.

Speaker 1 Isn't comic books.

Speaker 1 People need me for things. Isn't comic middleman? Hey, I'm a fucking.
But isn't a middleman? Are you really the director?

Speaker 1 I'm a middleman too. Both of us.
But why do you say that? I mean,

Speaker 1 because look, somebody delivers the shit to me,

Speaker 1 who drew it, colored it, printed it,

Speaker 1 gives it to me. I put it on a rack.
Someone comes in, takes it off the rack, and brings it to the counter. I ring them up.
I put the money in the drawer. I didn't even get all that money.
No.

Speaker 1 Somebody's got to barely get any of it. Somebody's got to, you know, you have to distribute it.
It's all right, man. We're middlemen.
It's okay.

Speaker 1 Just listen. But I just don't want to crap on the middleman

Speaker 1 always because, you know, not universally. As far as mattresses are concerned.
Mattress game, it's okay to shit all over. They're assholes.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 They deserve to be fucking taken out back, and you know what? Yeah, because they're providing something you need rather than something you want. So they got you by the balls, these mattress middle.

Speaker 1 God damn it. Yeah, exactly.
So fuck them.

Speaker 1 It's very convenient.

Speaker 1 When you order your mattress, they're going to deliver it right to your door in a small, how-do-they-do-that-sized box. You've never seen a mattress come out of a box.
Yeah, I saw the box.

Speaker 1 I've seen how you watched the videos. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He watched a three-hour documentary on how.

Speaker 1 See his face? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like, I don't know how the hell it. I watch the videos.

Speaker 1 How long does it take to actually straighten out to where

Speaker 1 it's going to be like it's normal?

Speaker 1 I would never expect it to hear you ever

Speaker 1 weigh in with such wonder because I thought it was pretty cool how they did it. I think that's a mattress coming out of this.
He's like, let me tell you something.

Speaker 1 I don't wonder how they do it because I know. I watched the whole program.
Try to do that yourself and get it back in that box. Impossible.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 But if you think it's wonderful to watch a video of a fucking Casper mattress come out of a box, way do you see one come out of a real-life box?

Speaker 1 It's like, have you seen a baby come out of a fucking womb? Yes, I have. It's better than that.
If you can imagine.

Speaker 1 And a lot cleaner. Yeah, not a lot of trial.

Speaker 1 It's a lot of trial.

Speaker 1 It's like. You're going to hear this screaming because you're going to be excited.
Yeah, that screaming you hear. You won't even know it's you screaming.
You're like, who's screaming?

Speaker 1 Oh, it's fucking me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 somebody wants the video

Speaker 1 the video can't compare

Speaker 1 I just watched a mattress give birth I mean a box give birth to a mattress and it was no not a middleman in sight twins

Speaker 1 dude it's gonna be awesome and if you don't like it after a hundred nights which is no way that's gonna happen can't say that with much in this world today that you can give it back if you're not happy you buy a goddamn computer and they won't take it back in three months a mattress i tried to to bring back a DVD to Target the other day.

Speaker 1 They wouldn't take it back as it was opened. And I told them, I was like,

Speaker 1 it's not the fucking right DVD. It was the right DVD.
I just fucking didn't want it anymore.

Speaker 1 Still, they wouldn't take it back.

Speaker 1 It's not working. It's skipping.
Yeah. They wouldn't take it back as it was opened.
And it's not even your age either, because it's like they would expect that from someone younger trying to like

Speaker 1 post like a CD or something. They assumed I bootlegged it or something, but I didn't.
You were like, hey, you know what? This guy. That's kind of shifty.
He looks like a middleman.

Speaker 1 I didn't even buy it at Target. No.

Speaker 1 I love it.

Speaker 1 No part of the transaction was valid.

Speaker 1 It's got the super. It's not trying to rip you off, just so you know.
It's got the Amazon chip sticker on the bottom.

Speaker 1 No, some blisters sent it to me. I was trying to get a

Speaker 1 little bit of $6 credit.

Speaker 1 Let's see. How much is my dignity worth? Let me check my stock chart, my ticker tape.

Speaker 1 It's worth going all the way to Target for $6, I guess. $6 worth of the gas code.
I was there anyway. So I was just like, I knew it was in my bag.
It's like, ooh, let me try it.

Speaker 1 I've I've been waiting. Let me go run inside.
Alicia, you do it. Oh, yeah.
I believe you. Opens it up.
It's got the card, Walt. I think you enjoy this TV.

Speaker 1 That's my receipt.

Speaker 1 Tell that kid. Oh.

Speaker 1 We'll never come in here again.

Speaker 1 You got Casper mattresses? They do at Target. Yeah, they do.
Yeah. You could go right to Target, man.
Yeah, but you won't get the $50 off, though. Yeah, here's the best part.

Speaker 1 You got to use our code, Sunday, Sunday, Jeff. What's the code, brother?

Speaker 1 This is a call to action. It's free shipping? It's three letters.
Guess what those letters are?

Speaker 1 Three letters. TSD.
Wow. He is fucking strong.

Speaker 1 Three letters? It's four letters. T-S-D.
T-S-D. You said three letters.
No, I said four. No, you said three.
You said three first. Yeah.
And I was like, is he going to, what is he going to think of?

Speaker 1 That's three letters. I said TSD, not T-E-S-D.
Oh, I'm sorry. We're pretty important people here, Sunday, Jeff.
So we have a unique URL and promo code.

Speaker 1 It's only applicable to select mattress purchases, and you better stick this in the back of your head. Terms and conditions apply.
All right. What's the terms? I don't know.
What's the conditions?

Speaker 1 They apply. Yeah, just don't worry about it.
Get $50 towards select mattresses by visiting casper.com slash T-E-S-D and using the T-E-S-D promo code at checkout.

Speaker 1 Terms and conditions apply, if I haven't said that already.

Speaker 1 That is casper.com slash TESD and the promo code. If you want to get the best mattress ever for fucking eating, watching TV, chilling, T-E-S-D.
Have you ever slept on a foam mattress? No. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 You will not believe.

Speaker 1 It will change your life. You don't sink like really far now.
I mean, it's like it's just the right amount of sink, just the right amount of bounce.

Speaker 1 He's not lying. Somebody was snoring pretty loud the other night in my room, and I was like, I can't even sleep.
So I, and Sage was over at Pam and Edgar, so I went and I slept in her bed.

Speaker 1 I haven't been back since

Speaker 1 you got to do it, man. Pull the trigger.
All right, once you go, Casper, you never go back. That's true.

Speaker 1 And don't buy a different mattress because then you're going to want to pull a different kind of trigger. No, I want to.
Casper's the only mattress for you, bro.

Speaker 1 I say, bro, I learned that today in a haircut. I'll buy a mattress, bro.
Well, I was going to ask you something else. Oh, I know what I was going to ask you guys.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 you both have daughters. All three of us have daughters that are in junior high or in high school.

Speaker 1 I don't know if they have school newspapers in high school anymore for around here, but if there was a story in the school newspaper about a current student who is involved

Speaker 1 currently in the porn industry,

Speaker 1 is that an appropriate article to have in the school newspaper?

Speaker 1 Well, it would be underage, wouldn't it?

Speaker 1 This girl's 18, so it's not underage.

Speaker 1 So, and they're promoting it as in, like, she's like congratulating her on her new career?

Speaker 1 I don't know if they're congratulating, I don't think they're congratulating her, but it's like, yeah, they're like, toaster, she's naked and masturbating on film.

Speaker 1 No, the way it came about was the journalism teacher or whatever put it out there without asking anyone because freedom of the press and all that, which I can respect.

Speaker 1 But at the same time, you're right. It's like, she's legal, but how many of these kids reading this shit shit?

Speaker 1 Now, in high school, we could have handled it, and you don't really assign that same ability to kids.

Speaker 1 But what is the point of it? What is the point? What's the purpose? What's the good thing about it?

Speaker 1 So, to normalize it, not Austral. I think to normalize it, it's not such a big deal to work in the sex industry.
Except, isn't it, though? I mean, I'm not sure where feminists heads are today.

Speaker 1 This was just recently. It's

Speaker 1 hold on, let me find this. I remember when we were growing up,

Speaker 1 the newspaper stories, college or high school.

Speaker 1 Remember that the veal was bad on Happy Days?

Speaker 1 And Richie Cunningham exposed that

Speaker 1 they were using expired veal.

Speaker 1 Remember that? I mean, they must have ripped that off of good times because it was pretty much the exact same thing.

Speaker 1 Everything was all local. It was all stuff that was happening within school.
Nothing. Did you work on the high school newspaper? I worked on the yearbook.

Speaker 1 You delivered the picture. What did you, what was your artwork? I did some of the artwork in the yearbook.
Oh, yeah? Some of the cartoons? Yeah, some of the pages in the yearbook.

Speaker 1 No editing, nothing with writing or anything, just images. That's all.
You know, helped the layout. There's a lot of controversies in the high school yearbooks in this day and age.

Speaker 1 I heard on the radio that there was some lady

Speaker 1 who was suing. Yeah, she was suing the school because

Speaker 1 she airbrushed. Oh, yeah, that's right.
They airbrushed it out. A Make America Great Again shirt or something.
Yeah, so there's a lot of politics everywhere you go. Yeah, but I mean,

Speaker 1 that's fucking crazy. That kid should be,

Speaker 1 if you could wear a Hillary shirt or an Obama shirt. Oh, no, no, no.
She, she, she, um, no, the person who was running the yearbook airbrushed it out. That's what I mean.
Like, who the fuck are you?

Speaker 1 Where's my shirt? Yeah. Like, who are you today? I didn't make a point.

Speaker 1 Um, so this was in Stockton, California. A high school newspaper.
Uh, now this was April 26th, so it's already happened.

Speaker 1 Um, they were going ahead to publish a profile of a student who works in the porn industry after clashing with administrators over the contents of the story. Still in high school.
Attending school.

Speaker 1 Yep. The journalism teacher for students

Speaker 1 accused district officials of censorship when they demanded to review and approve the article before publication and threatened to fire her if she did not comply.

Speaker 1 She refused, citing the student's right to free speech. And you know, every student's on her side.
Every student is on her side. Well, you're idealistic when you're younger.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, plus they're like, we can, I'm sure they're like, we can handle it. It's like, ooh, porn, never heard of that.
So, whatever they're writing in that is probably not that big a deal.

Speaker 1 But, like, but that's like saying,

Speaker 1 but those don't press and people who write articles, they have to get things cleared with their editors. And so you just can't put whatever you want out there just because you're a reporter.

Speaker 1 But I guess she's the last, see you later, Mike. She's the last line.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they gave it to her. I guess she edits it finally.
And then she's like, I'm not going to let the administrators review it because they'll.

Speaker 1 Did the student, was the student aware that she was going to expose her for her new career? No, the student was in on it,

Speaker 1 the porn student.

Speaker 1 They said the article doesn't glamorize pornography, but will help students think more critically about the choices they do make at this age in their lives.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, it's not going to inspire anyone to

Speaker 1 get into a porn career, I don't think.

Speaker 1 No, but I mean, that story is probably all out there anyway amongst the kids. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Clearing the smoke.

Speaker 1 Freedom of the press, though. You're right, though.
I mean, if I mean, it it

Speaker 1 either it means real freedom or it doesn't, then it's a joke then. It's not the first time she's had a run-in with these guys

Speaker 1 with the censorship attempts.

Speaker 1 In 2013, the principal at the time confiscated 1,700 copies of the newspaper when students exposed inaccuracies in the school safety handbook.

Speaker 1 And this time, the the superintendent said that the journalism teacher could be held

Speaker 1 personally liable for any claims arising from publishing the profile.

Speaker 1 And she was rattled when a school resource officer came to her classroom last week asking about sex trafficking and the age of students who accessed porn sites. But what does this have to do?

Speaker 1 I mean, can you get porn in school? Like on school computers? I don't think so. Or maybe on your phones.

Speaker 1 That's crazy. I'm 18.
What I'm doing is legal, and I don't see why everyone is making such a big deal out of it, Caitlin Fink said.

Speaker 1 Well, that's because you're 18.

Speaker 1 That's because you're 18, and you don't realize that down the road

Speaker 1 this could. I mean, you can't do shit anymore without it coming back to haunt you.
Something like this, unless you're dedicated to porn. It's like permanent record.

Speaker 1 It definitely speaks of like, it's like what's going on in that girl's life at 18. Before she even leaves high school.
What makes you want to do porn?

Speaker 1 That's the question I was like, why would you you want to do this?

Speaker 1 Is there

Speaker 1 money, attention? All right, all right. But that only lasts for so long.

Speaker 1 It doesn't seem that way at the time, though, when you're 18.

Speaker 1 Remember before you started cutting your own hair? You had those glorious locks in my book of Night Stage? Exactly.

Speaker 1 So there you go.

Speaker 1 You say, okay, well, freedom of the press. What are you going to do? Freedom of the press, I mean,

Speaker 1 either you believe it wholeheartedly or you don't. And if you don't,

Speaker 1 then you really shouldn't have a high school newspaper. You're either in or out.

Speaker 1 But it does, I guess there are some little caveats, though, that it can't be lascivious or...

Speaker 1 Well, it's not a lie. It's the truth.
It's not a lie.

Speaker 1 You've got to print it. It prohibits content that is obscene, libelous, or slanderous, or incites unlawful acts or school disruptions.
But I mean, how vague and subjective is that?

Speaker 1 I think that this could be turned into like this could be like a new, like, Martha Ray. What's that called? Martha Ray.
Martha Ray.

Speaker 1 What's that called?

Speaker 1 Rachel Ray? No. Rachel Ray.

Speaker 1 Sugar Ray? The lady who Sally Fields played her in a movie.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 Norma Ray. Norma Ray.
It should be like a movie, you know, that this editor, you know, fights the powers that be and she gets her story printed. The porn story.
I would not want to. It has porn in it.

Speaker 1 I'm still not going to. That sounds boring as shit.
So it's all about writing about porn. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. No pictures? No pictures in this.
Fighting for freedom of the press. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That sounds thrilling.

Speaker 1 I had something I wanted to ask Sunday, Jeff, about, and

Speaker 1 really want to hear what you think about this because I was unaware of this. I did not do porn.
No. Did you guys, were you both aware that we are dealing right now, we're in the middle or

Speaker 1 catastrophic shortage

Speaker 1 worldwide, helium shortage? Yes,

Speaker 1 I heard something about that. Isn't this crazy? How are we going to make all our funny voices?

Speaker 1 What are the clowns going to do?

Speaker 1 Well, did you know?

Speaker 1 Yeah, helium is at a world-wide shortage. And right now,

Speaker 1 there are so many industries, well, actually, just two, that are really taking it on the chin with this shortage. Party City and all these party stores.

Speaker 1 Still having to close or going to close stores because they just can't survive without being able to blow up balloons. I guess that's why they make a lot of their money.

Speaker 1 And the medical industry does a lot of things with helium as well. And,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 and these party industry stores are saying, you know, like, well, if the medical industry is going to take

Speaker 1 place,

Speaker 1 you know, they're going to get serviced, whatever helium's left, they're going to give it to the medical industry rather than them. They're going to have to close their stores.

Speaker 1 Why? Like, parties are less

Speaker 1 important

Speaker 1 without balloons? But did you know where helium comes from? I never knew until I just thought it's actually part of the atmosphere, isn't it actually in the atmosphere?

Speaker 1 Do you really? I mean, do you know where helium comes from?

Speaker 1 I did not.

Speaker 1 Helium is generated underground by the radioactive decay of heavy elements such as uranium and thorium.

Speaker 1 Part of the radiation from these elements consists of alpha particles, which form the nuclei of helium atoms.

Speaker 1 The only reason they're saying this is to distract us from God.

Speaker 1 But most of the helium that the Earth makes

Speaker 1 is lost. 90% of it is lost into space.
It just floats out into space and we can't gather it.

Speaker 1 Did you know there is no chemical way of manufacturing helium? No, you know why it's such a shortage.

Speaker 1 And the supplies we have originated in the very slow radioactive alpha decay that occurs in rocks cost, it would cost 10,000 times more to extract helium from the the air than it does from rocks and natural gas reserves.

Speaker 1 Helium is the second lightest element in the universe. Is it hydrogen is the first? I don't know what the first is.
Isn't that what

Speaker 1 the Hindenburg?

Speaker 1 Why don't they just sell Party City some hydrogen? Blowing up balloons and shit, exploding balloons. But my theory is that

Speaker 1 we'll soon live in a world without balloons. Oh, no.
Pretty much live in a world without balloons to begin with, so it doesn't really matter.

Speaker 1 Maybe what about virtual balloons like on Facebook when it's your birthday or something? What about those foots, though? I don't know what the Macy Day things use. Oh, yeah, no more parades.

Speaker 1 Now, for you, you might feel like you're affected by living in a world without balloons. But what about our grandchildren? They'll never know the joy,

Speaker 1 the simple, pure joy and bliss of holding a balloon. They'll also never know the joy of being able to make a joke and not have everyone jump all over your fucking back for it.

Speaker 1 I feel like balloons are not as important.

Speaker 1 You know, do you ever see a small child the joy on their face by the simplest toy in the world? There is, I don't know if there's a more simpler toy than a balloon. Fascination, yes.

Speaker 1 And then they let it go.

Speaker 1 And then a bird will wear all the other goes out of the atmosphere. A bird's like, well,

Speaker 1 think about it. To live in a world without balloons, what will that mean for

Speaker 1 generations to come, though? I mean, well, they'll see something on TV, an old movie, and they'll be like, what was that? That was a balloon. What do you think? I mean, what else?

Speaker 1 What times they were? It'll be the same as

Speaker 1 us growing up being like, what's that fucking wheel with the stick that that kid's playing with? That seems so boring and stupid.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. You don't understand.
They were all the rage at the time.

Speaker 1 I think you guys minimize the effect of a world.

Speaker 1 Healing effect of helium. It's a medical, though.
That's what I'm trying to figure out. MRIs and stuff.

Speaker 1 Use a certain gas for it. Yeah,

Speaker 1 the helium is used in

Speaker 1 the medical industry.

Speaker 1 Sunday, Jeff,

Speaker 1 what if your kid wanted to have a party with all balloons? Now, you know helium's in a major shortage. Yeah, like you can buy it on the black market only, pretty much.
There's a kid across the street.

Speaker 1 He's pretty sick. He's got to get an MRI.
There's only a certain amount of helium.

Speaker 1 How many balloons do you use for that MRI? She's a 16 party, too. She's like, Daddy, Daddy,

Speaker 1 I want balloons. Yeah, my Super Sweet 16.
Like, that's the new fucking bar. It isn't like Mercedes and fucking Trips.
It's like, hey, balloons.

Speaker 1 Three balloons.

Speaker 1 Are you going to go and get a ball?

Speaker 1 I would say

Speaker 1 take a look at that guy across the street there. He's like, ew, wow, he's gross.

Speaker 1 He's gross because he can't have an MRI from the helium that we're filling up your balloons with. Okay.
So

Speaker 1 are you saying I'm not getting a balloon? Yeah, how about we have a balloon? It's my super sweet 16. Dad.
How do we go half a dozen? And the other half of a dozen goes to him.

Speaker 1 No, it has to be 16 balloons. Whoa, so you're going to blow up eight of them.
The kid's like, what the fuck am I going to do with these balloons? Like, half the balloons? I don't want these.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute, but you're saying you'll compromise.

Speaker 1 But it's still illegal to blow up a balloon, though. You'll blow up eight, though, but not 16?

Speaker 1 No, give the other, like, if you had to. It takes 16 balloons for them, all right.
You can't give them half. Oh, that's it's all or nothing.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, the fact that he's willing to like blow up eight in a world that it's illegal to have balloons.

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 1 I thought if we had 16, I would give eight to them, but you just

Speaker 1 video gets out.

Speaker 1 The sweet 16 viral video, Sunday Jeff, like, hey, man, I'm fucking precious. You made out of helium.
My voice high. I'm popping all the voice.

Speaker 1 I'm breaking the law.

Speaker 1 Chef, cheerfully, cheerfully.

Speaker 1 But that, you're right, though, though. Like, the rich and powerful will still be able to have balloon parties.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 But, you know,

Speaker 1 the common man won't be able to have balloons anymore, man. Oh, well.

Speaker 1 It is what it is. Fly kites.
You have to refinance your house to pay for some balloons. Fly some kites.

Speaker 1 So you would string up 16 kites and run around until you're fucking passed out and trying to get them high enough

Speaker 1 for her to get a selfie. If it's a windy selfie under.
Hopefully it's a windy day. Put them on the back of my car and I'll try to rub a block.
Try to convince her they're helium-powered.

Speaker 1 It's like, look at it. Look at all those 16 flags.
You know, 16 kites just flying.

Speaker 1 Wasting like $20 of gas riding around the block, keeping them up in the air.

Speaker 1 This article says that there is no real helium shortage, but the article is so long that I can't really find.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's all

Speaker 1 conspiracy theory? It says helium is a renewable resource, so it's actually the worst example of running out of our elements or minerals.

Speaker 1 Even the problem collecting enough of it has already been solved courtesy of the fracking revolution. I guess with fracking, you get a lot of

Speaker 1 helium there. Yeah, that's what you do.
Yeah, start doing it. We start fracking helium.
Yeah, start doing some fracking

Speaker 1 around the block from you. All you got to do is store some radiation, radioactive materials in your basement.
Get some isotopes going.

Speaker 1 A little Chernobyl action going.

Speaker 1 You got to capture all that helium before it escapes into the atmosphere, though. I don't know how you do it.
About as bright as the sun when you see me in the morning.

Speaker 1 You're going to need some cellulic, some blasting caps, you know, because you're going to have to take the top off that mountain. Yeah, my skin's just falling off my bones.
I feel like that.

Speaker 1 So balloons will probably, you know, are probably skyrocketing right now on the aftermarket, right? Likely, yeah. We should go on eBay.
Are you price scouging, though? Sure. No different than fuel.

Speaker 1 But there's a law against that, though. It's not as, I would say it's not as insidious as when you scalp like for generators after a hurricane.
It was 200, now it's 1,000.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but the law is the law. Like it was $2.50 for a balloon.
Now it's $7 for a balloon. Is that gouging? Could I, could I

Speaker 1 like it? Could you put the final nail in Party City's coffin and sue him?

Speaker 1 Probably.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Because, I mean, it's definitely not a necessity.
I think that's usually for like fuel, generators, food, that kind of stuff.

Speaker 1 If like you're going to eat an apple for 50 cents is now suddenly $5.

Speaker 1 So there's a right, like there's a list of things that can't be price gouged as opposed to things that somebody's deemed as non-necessities. I believe so.
Yeah, I think it's going to be blatant.

Speaker 1 And you would have to be a real idiot to walk into a police station and be like, I need to file a report.

Speaker 1 I paid $10 for this apple. Those guys are hogging up all the helium.
helium.

Speaker 1 Ridiculous. Yeah, that's...
Wow, that is...

Speaker 1 Hey, wait.

Speaker 1 Two people,

Speaker 1 Tim Conway today and Doris Day. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The other day. What's going on? How do you feel about that kind of stuff when our...
Well, I mean,

Speaker 1 first off, I mean... You're like, I can't believe they're still alive.
Yeah. I mean, I thought they were dead already.

Speaker 1 The lives they led were long and successful. So you got to, you can't feel anything.
but you know

Speaker 1 when you get to that age i mean no one's really surprised when you hear like you're only 97 and they died though right

Speaker 1 so but i don't think anybody i was i was talking to frank five because we and him were binging uh the door stay show

Speaker 1 and i feel that since it never caught on on these you know these retro tv stations that show all the old tv shows that's a show that was never really shown after its original air

Speaker 1 airing in the in the early 70s that I don't think many people know who we're talking about or what do you point that picture of Doris Day on the wall

Speaker 1 yeah there's a picture on the wall that uh of Doris Day signed to me nice uh Frank Five sent away just in time

Speaker 1 but yeah I think that a lot of people don't

Speaker 1 it doesn't mean anything to them you know people

Speaker 1 our age um personally like Tim Conway yeah a big fan of his from the Kyle Burnett show but Doris Day never really it was a name I heard, and I know she was sort of synonymous with being pure and good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Your parent star, from one point.
Kim and Edgar definitely would be more.

Speaker 1 Oh, is it okay? I don't know who's dinging me.

Speaker 1 But Tim Conway is like, again, I was like, oh, he's alive. I looked at Bob Barker, and I thought Bob Barker was dead.
He's alive, too. Still alive.
Still alive. Wow.

Speaker 1 I found out, too, he was involved in a little sex scandal.

Speaker 1 A little one? Is there there such a thing as a little one?

Speaker 1 I guess so, relatively. I mean, I didn't know about it until today.
One of his spokesmodels, I guess, he was hooking up with for years, though. Come on down.
And then afterwards, she said that, like,

Speaker 1 she said that

Speaker 1 I guess she was bullied into it. She didn't really want to.
And that's what she says. Because he was powerful.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He could get her off the show. He's the OG Harvey Weinstein.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, he lost his job, right? I mean, I think he gave it up, bro.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think he retired. He's like, I can't do this shit anymore, man.
So he didn't retire. He retired chasing these girls.

Speaker 1 I think that there was some sort of settlement or something.

Speaker 1 So there was some retribution. I guess so.
If he did it, I mean, who knows? Who the hell knows?

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Well, it's just that he said, she said, unless he admitted to it.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's almost like when you pay off.

Speaker 1 It's kind of admitting it. Yeah.
So I get why people, it's like,

Speaker 1 I'm not going to say I did this

Speaker 1 to get out of jail.

Speaker 1 You know, even if they didn't do it, you know, if they didn't do it, they're like, no, fuck it. I'll never say I killed this person or whatever.

Speaker 1 Do you feel the law is going to be twisted so much? They'd be like, look, I don't want anything to be just here, just whatever.

Speaker 1 I don't even want to go to court. I don't want to, because I know how the courts operate.
You know, maybe it's just that they'll find

Speaker 1 in your favor. And

Speaker 1 I didn't do anything.

Speaker 1 It's like, jail, prison, Fucking no way.

Speaker 1 There's this Netflix show.

Speaker 1 I can't remember the name of it, but it's one of those prison shows.

Speaker 1 Real life? And it's real life prison. Documentary or actors.
No, documentary like National Geographic,

Speaker 1 Inside, fucking

Speaker 1 Pelican Bay, whatever. No,

Speaker 1 not Oz.

Speaker 1 And you're like, the shit that these people do to get in there

Speaker 1 and the cavalier attitude they have about being in prison. I'm like, have I been lied to this whole time?

Speaker 1 Is it not that bad? Because these guys don't seem that upset by it.

Speaker 1 I mean, the fact that you're in a little room that you can't leave, you know, you're like your little cellar or whatever sucks, but they're walking around the day room.

Speaker 1 They seem to be having a grand old time. What's the name of the show?

Speaker 1 Hold on, I'll look it up. It's on Netflix.
I watched the first episode. I did not care for it.

Speaker 1 It wasn't that great.

Speaker 1 Yeah, man. Why not?

Speaker 1 They have bands in there and shit, you know?

Speaker 1 Barbershop, they learned how to cut hair. Why are you potting? I'm cutting.

Speaker 1 Would you do other

Speaker 1 at your salon? Would you branch out into doing nails or toes? Well, I thought it was a man. Well, I mean,

Speaker 1 I think it's stupid, though, to open up a business. and then cut off half of the population by making it one sex.
You got to make it unisex. Yeah, I think nails are standalone today now.

Speaker 1 It's a lot of times you just go, you see been in the walls, you just see just nail salons. It's all they do is nails.
I don't think it's branched off now.

Speaker 1 Would you do, like, would you do, so when you're cutting a lady's hair, do you think you could quickly learn the.

Speaker 1 Everybody has his haircuts, yeah. With a Batman symbol in it.
Everybody looks like they just came

Speaker 1 out of a chemotherapy treatment. It's like,

Speaker 1 I'm not going to that place. What are they doing over there? That's your slogan.

Speaker 1 Radiation. What's What's going on? That's your slogan.
One cut, one price.

Speaker 1 Flat feet.

Speaker 1 Yo, well, let's say a lady comes in and she's like, I'd like something like

Speaker 1 Jennifer Anniston. Look.
I'm forget about it.

Speaker 1 You know, I want my bangs, you know, to swoop to the side. I want to feather it over here.
And I want this, and I want to make it look fuller.

Speaker 1 I'll give you an example. Sunday Jeff's time traveling barber.
GI Joe, did you have like one of those 70 G.I. Joe's where half the hair was missing here, half the hair was missing here?

Speaker 1 My sequel to them would be like the metal filings. Like you would have to, how would you like your hair to do? Just take the metal piling file and

Speaker 1 like willy-willy. Oh, you get that the magnetic thing.

Speaker 1 But you got to go cocksure.

Speaker 1 You got to be 12. I could do that.
Yes, ma'am. I know exactly what you want.
Break out the buzzers. Break out the buzzers.

Speaker 1 The Batman logo stencil.

Speaker 1 It's all crooked.

Speaker 1 Looks a little more like a fork.

Speaker 1 That would be amazing. Looks like a fork.
It's like, did you check out the bat? The bat symbol. I did my best.

Speaker 1 I only charge you five bucks. Bat dance.
Yeah, the what, two C.

Speaker 1 This is the show that's called Gelbirds. We don't have a mirror in the store, sorry.
Gelbirds. Yeah.
Like one of that lady, she has got a tattoo above her left eyebrow that says monster.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 let's say somebody comes in and does want the

Speaker 1 waxing. Could you do that? Yeah, could you wax a bush? Kitty wax? Well,

Speaker 1 all Aries. No, all Aries, legs.

Speaker 1 I'm strictly saying that.

Speaker 1 Intimate areas. But again, man, it's a lot of business you're turning down by not doing that.
See, here's the thing, though.

Speaker 1 You're on to something here. You don't need to cater to females, but you can offer waxing.
Lots of guys get

Speaker 1 their back waxed, right?

Speaker 1 Who doesn't like a good foot massage, right?

Speaker 1 Some guys get like manicures and pedicures. You could could offer a little bit of a message.
How many listeners would love to have you massage their feet

Speaker 1 while you talk to them?

Speaker 1 You could offer that on the Patreon.

Speaker 1 Cheer.

Speaker 1 You're responsible for your own travel here.

Speaker 1 But once you get here, you've got a guaranteed haircut and foot massage.

Speaker 1 You get a number one cut.

Speaker 1 But why do you think

Speaker 1 it would just be too embarrassing for you? Yeah, it's just too much diversity.

Speaker 1 Just stick to one thing. Stick to the one thing that I'd be good at.
It's tough, though. I mean, it's tough to do.
Someone's like, stick to one thing and make a successful business. Look,

Speaker 1 I'd be okay in Paris Island. What's that? So the Marines trained.
I'd just be just doing the cuts. Right.
But, I mean, let's be honest, though.

Speaker 1 This is your business.

Speaker 1 You can't just get

Speaker 1 for a loan.

Speaker 1 I would hire other people who are more experienced. Who knew more about cuttings and waxing and trendy hairstyles? You got a whole hair off with

Speaker 1 a piece of paper and some hot wax.

Speaker 1 i mean you see like you can't get out of a store without them repeatedly offering you a card or like you go to quick check hey you want a cookie with that or you know like it's a constant state of upselling so it's like all these places are looking for more ways to make more money your single haircut i mean i don't know what your rent is but well he's it's an apartment yeah oh that's right it's a licensed out of your hair come inside my house i just have the chair out there i got a leaf blower blow the hair off where do you advertise

Speaker 1 roller he just says there's a magnet on the side of his car.

Speaker 1 Where I live.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like a full wrap.

Speaker 1 It's like those old, like, you know, where it says garage, garage sale this way. I got like, you know, haircut this way with the arrow yellow signs.

Speaker 1 When I was in L.A., there was a guy who would walk around Hollywood, and I got my hair cut by him twice.

Speaker 1 He had scissors, like he had a belt, and he had his scissors and his combs and all that stuff on it.

Speaker 1 And you would just go to an alley, and he'd cut your hair in the alley, and you gave him 25 bucks, whatever.

Speaker 1 Good haircut, yeah, good haircut, too. Yeah, that could be

Speaker 1 something else. 25 bucks.
That was extra. I just, I just, he offered other services.
That was the leader price.

Speaker 1 Once I'm in there, don't scoff. I mean, you know, if you might end up lowing somebody, if you don't get with the program, just

Speaker 1 pop out of a bargain can in an alley. Want a cut bug? Like, you'd really rather do this in wax pussy, huh? All right.
If you say so.

Speaker 1 So, who would you, so you would hire somebody who knew how to do all the other things? I think you got to be licensed to do nails, too. It's not just the

Speaker 1 licensed to cut hair, too. You have to be licensed to sweep hair, they told me at the place I used to go to.
Yeah, like in order to be in that place and work around that stuff, you have to.

Speaker 1 That's a scam. That's crazy.

Speaker 1 Welcome to the United States government.

Speaker 1 Why would you need anything to just sweep up hair? For what purpose? Yeah, like, how can you do it wrong? You can't.

Speaker 1 So you're right. It's a fucking scam.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's a lot of ways to sweep, I guess. But

Speaker 1 when I go to the barbershop, one of the things that I really don't like is

Speaker 1 the fake conversation that's forced upon me.

Speaker 1 Or the real conversation. But, you know, like, how is your day? Are you going to be that kind of barber?

Speaker 1 What kind of small talk are you willing to make?

Speaker 1 It's like, well, you know, usually when I would have a TV on there, so you'd be watching whatever. If you're familiar with Dorsey, what do you want to watch?

Speaker 1 You want to watch the game?

Speaker 1 Then you start conversation.

Speaker 1 You're cutting hair in prime time. You're cutting

Speaker 1 8 o'clock to between 8 and 11. There's afternoon baseball games.

Speaker 1 There's afternoon baseball games or whatever. You're right, you're right.
You know, you just start bringing up conversation. You know, what do you think about this guy or whatever?

Speaker 1 And you just start, let them start doing the talking. You know, if they don't have to cut you off, then they don't want to talk about what are you watching.
Oh, flip the channel.

Speaker 1 Let's talk about something else then. So you have a TV.
What other accoutrements can they expect?

Speaker 1 Like, do you have some beer around or whiskey or something?

Speaker 1 Why not? You're already. You're going to have it already.
Yeah, I got a liquor light. I serve it in a paper bag.

Speaker 1 He has the lights just to sweep up hair. He comes out inside my house.

Speaker 1 That's why I got blown off when a leaf blows. But you're giving the booze away for free, though.

Speaker 1 You're giving it away for free. You're going to work it into the hair.
You're going to be making a lot of money to. But you're working into the price of the haircut.

Speaker 1 It's going to be the red. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Cut a hair for $10.

Speaker 1 $20 worth of beer. The place I used to get my hair cut in Asbury,

Speaker 1 they had a bar there where you could just, like, they'd give you a shot of whiskey. They'd be like, hey, you you want a beer? That kind of stuff.

Speaker 1 And I guess local, yeah, local tavern guys came around and/or bars and shit and were like, Yeah, you can't do it because they're giving away for free and they're not going to drink there.

Speaker 1 It's like, I got my hair cut there several times. It's not like anyone bellies up to the bar there and hangs out all day drinking free booze.
It's like you know,

Speaker 1 but I guess I got in trouble for it. Cut the apron, I'm not doing that.
You also, like, they were very like, it was weird.

Speaker 1 They were like, there's a lot of testosterone in that room, but at the same time, they were like, um,

Speaker 1 hipsters. It was like had a very hipstery vibe to it.

Speaker 1 Like he would, like, there would be like much like hipster Jeffrey's place will have a hipster. Definitely, yeah.
I mean, look, you know, the guy's a personification.

Speaker 1 But, but there was like they had a bat there in case anybody got fresh.

Speaker 1 They'd hit you with a bat, which I never saw, but it was there for the threat, like in old saloons and shit, how they used to have that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was like, it got too hipstery for me, plus, it was too far away. The place I go now is like,

Speaker 1 it's all right. But if I heard the word bro one time,

Speaker 1 what a bro! Oh,

Speaker 1 it's insane how many, like I'm gonna record it next time I go in.

Speaker 1 They asked me to come down on Friday, they're doing like they're having professional photographs taken for their website and shit. They want to fucking showcase my beard.
Really? Are you gonna go?

Speaker 1 I say, Yeah, sure, why not? Maybe I'll get a free haircut out of it. Yeah, it's for me.
It's it's such a chore when the uh when the girl starts going.

Speaker 1 So, what's your day been like?

Speaker 1 What do you got planned for after you get small talk free up until now?

Speaker 1 Is that awkward? Just like nothing. Do you ever just think of making something up? No.

Speaker 1 I'm always like surprised that like I'm always like because they don't initially they don't start talking to you. So I close my eyes and then like

Speaker 1 a minute or two into it all of a sudden the small store the small talk starts. Sir, you're moaning again.

Speaker 1 Why don't you bring in with him? Let him do the talking for you.

Speaker 1 I guess I should have a story in place already before I go in, but I'm always caught off guard.

Speaker 1 Because I usually go on the weekends, they're like, well, what did you do for this weekend? And I'm like, at the thinking, I'm like, holy shit, I didn't do anything.

Speaker 1 You don't bring up the helium shortage? So she's making you feel bad.

Speaker 1 So how about this helium shortage? Be like, I was there at four in the morning, sleeping outside Party City.

Speaker 1 Just cut two tanks in this morning.

Speaker 1 But I'm always feel like, oh, fuck, man, how boring do I sound? Like, I didn't do anything.

Speaker 1 That sounds awesome to me. I didn't do nothing.
I'm just getting a haircut. That was my only plan for the whole weekend.
Cuts the conversation off quick, though, don't it? So what do you do?

Speaker 1 Hit record, though. Next time, hit record and just make up a complete bullshit story.
Like, started out with, like,

Speaker 1 I had to go over to Freehold, see my brother in prison, and then just, boom, go from there. And just go from there and just make shit up.
It'd be interesting.

Speaker 1 I can't do it because they don't talk to me. They just talk to each other and call each other bro all day.

Speaker 1 Well, I think that they feel like they're going to get a bigger tip if they connect more and they show an interest.

Speaker 1 And I'm sure they're told by the manager to talk to the customer.

Speaker 1 But I just like that, I like the sound of that

Speaker 1 in your Jeffrey Barber shop thing. That's all you hear.

Speaker 1 It never stops. You sure that's sure that's the buzzer?

Speaker 1 Something wet behind my ear.

Speaker 1 And they're always the question: like, so what do you do? I'm always like,

Speaker 1 I used to be on a TV show.

Speaker 1 I never

Speaker 1 accepted that.

Speaker 1 But even now, I'm like, I don't know how to say it. I work in retail, and that's not enough.
Right. What do you sell? What do you sell? What do you sell? I sell helium.
Books.

Speaker 1 What kind of books? Funny books. Comic books.
What? No,

Speaker 1 we're at Jay and Bob's.

Speaker 1 Turn off the buzzer like, what? Speak up. You mousy motherfucker.
You have enough money to pay for this shit.

Speaker 1 I'm like, oh, Oh, Jay and Bob is sober. Oh.
Oh, I've been in there. I've been in there.
You guys sell.

Speaker 1 Then they want to talk about it.

Speaker 1 What do you guys sell in there?

Speaker 1 Like comics? That's where you lie. You just be like, it's a full service deli.

Speaker 1 You're a grumpy guy. It sits back at the table all the time, aren't you?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it never really goes well after the small talk. And then it's like then the awkward quietness after that because then.
Because you don't continue it. Yeah, you're not.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like your answers are sort of short trunky because it sounds like i'm being curt but i'm just being awkward and they're just trying to make the time go by it's just i guess less than just hearing the

Speaker 1 well just tell her that just because i guess not you i'm just completely inept at interacting socially

Speaker 1 i'm like a cigar indian just see me over there

Speaker 1 i'll hold balloons if you want

Speaker 1 um yeah uh there was uh there was a guy who used to do my hair at this one place and he i always thought it was weird I always thought to myself, like,

Speaker 1 because he was the one on these guys that wanted to be extremely hip.

Speaker 1 Young guy.

Speaker 1 Definitely was into fashion and all the trendy shit.

Speaker 1 One of those salons, huh?

Speaker 1 But I always thought it was weird that

Speaker 1 on his forearm, you know, right where you have your sage tattoo, he got a fucking barbershop pole. No.
And I'm like, well, like, how

Speaker 1 into barbering are you? Yeah, how into cutting hair can you be? takes his takes she's like this much

Speaker 1 it's like you know that's that's like uh that's like a union brother that wears that on his wrist like that i mean that would be like you like getting a tire on your arm or something right like

Speaker 1 yes and mine would have a flame on it a flaming tire like a hot wheel like i don't understand like like how into it could you be that you would get

Speaker 1 the sign of your profession on your arm but who really nowadays how often do you even see that sign anymore the barbershop pole oh you don't ever. It's very, very.

Speaker 1 But it's still universally recognized. You can show that

Speaker 1 red, white, and blue pole in the deepest, darkest jungle, and a native kid will know that that's a neat haircut.

Speaker 1 He's like, you put the bataman similar in my hair.

Speaker 1 He's got no shirt on. He's wearing a piece of grass for an underwear.
He's like, he's got a loincloth.

Speaker 1 He's like, oh, snap, son. Is that a barber pole?

Speaker 1 Got a whole tribe out there with Batman symbols on the back of their head. Fucking America, man.
Fucking America's great. Gotta be barber poles all over the place, huh?

Speaker 1 Tell him, Steve, Danny. Oh, God.