#376: Trash Purgatory

If they're not stopping people from fucking them, they're gonna stop them from kicking them?

What is the sexiest flag to jerk off to, do you think?

My partner has Pope Dick.

Someone help us.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave Walt.

You're here.

I'm here.

We've got another co-host sitting in.

PQ BQ's still not back?

Still not back.

I was texting with him yesterday.

Oh, yeah.

He's out there on the front lines of

the cinematic world, taking one for all of us sinners.

How's he doing?

How's he holding up?

Oh, great.

He loves it.

He loves it.

Who is sitting in BQ's chair this week?

Is this like

Goldilocks and the Three Bears?

Well, I guess, no, that was what that was just if it was someone was too fat or too skinny or too or just right, right?

That was, no, that was the porridge.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, that's it's not a great analogy, it's not a great analogy, the three bears.

Uh, the three bears, no, no,

unless you're talking about, like, in the gay community, would he be considered a bear?

Absolutely, yeah, uh, but you probably know him more for his Twitter views on eugenics and racial purity.

Um,

Officer Troy is here.

This is a get, right?

This is a get.

This is a get.

Yeah, I saw a lot of people guessing whether or not I was going to be here, and I didn't want to spoil it, but here I am.

Is this the first time you sat in on a, like, as a,

like, not in a special episode where you just was just you, like this intimate setting such as this?

No, I sat in on an episode, actually before we did any of the special episodes, I was in on one where it ended up being a two-parter, the one where we talked about the cults, the uh

okay

yeah

the um the one with the Nike sneakers oh the Heaven's Gate Heavensgate that's it yeah do you feel that like let's say Q is like hey I'm too famous I'm not giving my voice away for free anymore we got to find a third guy

I think Troy would be pretty good

he would be very good I think he'd be my first choice I would love to do it someday after I retire you and I've had this conversation many times where

doing this is a little bit of a high wire act act because while I'm still working, I really have to kind of put a governor on what I can say and can't say.

It's not like I'm going to say anything that controversial or outrageous, but in this day and age, God knows what people are going to find offensive.

I mean, what's at stake, really?

You just refer to it.

Chris Redo's already offended.

Exactly.

Actually, Ragando brought a game last week, and I considered bringing a game this week where I was going to bring up topics.

and say this is something that somebody's been legitimately offended by and these are two made-up things.

And then the more I thought about it, it's almost impossible because I don't know if in this day and age there's anything that somebody's not offended by, so I can't make up something that's not going to offend somebody.

Yeah,

you

texted me this morning, and you were very

like, I can't play that game.

You sounded like you were disappointed, but you know, we'll play it at some point.

But that's okay.

I dusted off an old game just in honor of you.

Okay.

Who am Dunn did that crime essay?

No, we'll play it later, but it's an old one, and from listeners from way back may recognize it, but it definitely was because especially dusted off because you're here today.

Okay, awesome.

We speculated last week, but now we can ask the man himself,

if Giddam asked you for a reference

to be a security guard, right?

Yeah, let's say he was going into the security field, or would that be considered

a field?

A field.

Well, no, like, how do policemen look at security guys?

Is that like a freedom?

It's a brotherhood.

Are they part of the blue wall or not?

Yeah, we don't look at each other at like your little tip of the cap and be like, you know, you're equals.

You know what I bet you it is?

It's the same as like if a guy on a motorcycle sees a guy on a scooter.

Sure, you got two wheels.

More like a tricycle.

What about a guy in a spider?

Oh, a spider.

Those things are all over the place now.

But as a guy, but as somebody who rides a motorcycle, are you more apt to be like

you give the pass, I think you give the pass to older riders because

they just can't balance anymore.

But they're like, I'm still there, man.

I'm still forgetting.

But like, if Muse had one, I'd be like, what a fucking corny little bitch.

But let's say Gidam was getting, let's say he got fired from here for not doing his job.

Okay.

Is this a scoop?

No, no, it's not a scoop.

But let's say he was like, all right,

I'm going to, I have these credentials that I'm part of that I can go get a security job.

And he asked you for a reference and you got the call.

Would you be willing to put your name on the line for him?

Because I don't know if you really know him then.

What is he guarding?

Fort Knox.

No.

No.

A preschool right next to a mosque.

But Fort Knox, like, he's going to be watching our gold.

No.

You need to distract him.

Too distracted, I mean, from what I've heard

with the racetrack.

Doesn't he do like karate moves and shit like that?

I tell you right now, I am so, I'm, we had no prior, this conversation was not going to come up, right?

I know right now how crestfallen he is because how much he respects you and how much he admires you.

I just know, I am so like giddy right now knowing that like he's listening to

you.

Listen, I should check him off the list.

People that I thought liked me.

No, no, I wasn't doing that.

You like the guy, right?

I I love Gedam, and I admire him, and he's a great guy.

But

until the day comes where the United States currency is not based on the gold standard, and my pension and everybody's future doesn't rest on Gedham preventing a heist,

I don't know that I could give him that endorsement.

But he's not the only guy guarding the gold.

He's just on a shift.

But also, you have to think, like, okay, say the heist goes down, right?

And Gedham's on the job.

They're like, well, oh my God, like, what were his credentials?

They're like, well,

he did cross people at a traffic stop by a horse track

poorly.

And then this guy, Troy, gave him a reference.

It must have been some reference.

Yeah, I don't think he gets that job.

It's probably like ex-military, ex-police.

Like, if you're great gold, I'm starting Fort Knox.

Is there even gold in Fort Knox anymore?

Oh, hell yeah.

Is there?

That's all they got of it.

Don't you think

it's a shell game?

Like, the gold really isn't there?

Wouldn't they keep why would they keep

everybody thinks it's at Fort Knox and it's totally in someplace else?

Yeah, it's in like some cavern in Colorado.

Yeah.

Maybe that's what's in Hangar 18.

Could be.

It's all our gold.

And the aliens are really at Fort Knox.

All right.

You know, getting back to a conversation we had before we started recording, maybe I would trust him because as of right now, for most people, his real name is still a mystery.

So he can hold a secret.

He can.

He can hold a secret, but I mean, it's to his benefit, though.

And you know something?

He'd probably be pretty precious with the gold protecting it, too, because wasn't he like hiding paper towels and shit?

So if he's going to safeguard paper towels.

Well, not just any paper towels.

This was

a wrapped bounty.

Okay.

You know, this wasn't just like Futown knockoff paper towels.

These were double thickness bounty.

Like brawny or something like that.

Do you just go around like taking my old sweaters and covering up a bully on with it?

so he would not get the endorsement from you for Fort Knox or Fort Knox.

All right, just his local bank.

I'm thinking CVS.

Maybe.

Wait, they have pharmaceuticals too.

They have an ATM in CVS, though.

Maybe a convenience store in the inner city.

Just get rid of it.

Yeah, but even that they don't need them because inner city convenience stores operate through like bulletproof windows.

Right.

And they have like, you're like, well, we don't want to wreck the windows, so if you could get me to line up the fire first, You're placing these windows is

pretty pricey.

Motherfucker couldn't even protect his teeth.

We're going to trust him with gold in a pool.

A pool noodle.

Yeah.

I know it annoys him, too.

I love Giddam.

He's correcting that right now in his cab as he's driving to work right now.

Oh, you know what's funny is that he's always correcting that pool noodle thing, but I've been re-listening to some old episodes driving to and from work lately, and I listened to the episode where you kind of introduced Giddim to the world, and he's the one who put it out there that he got got his teeth knocked out with a pool toy.

So he's a...

Oh, yeah.

It's a toy, but it's not a noodle.

Oh, I kind of became a pool noodle.

Okay, gotcha.

So it's not the pool toy thing, it's the fact that it was a pool noodle he's saying he got knocked out.

Right, yeah.

He doesn't want anyone to think his teeth are that soft, I guess.

Like

he suffers from radiation sickness or whatever.

I don't know.

But what type of toys are we talking about?

What was it?

I mean,

do you want to do him a service of actually rectifying?

Look at how they have those basketball rooms you can set up in your pool and shit.

Maybe it was something like that.

Yeah, I think it was something that was kind of heavy that still floats.

Okay.

And I believe

his girlfriend

before it went sour, she clocked him in the mouth with a pool toy.

Yeah, like the idea, the way it was painted was that he popped up like, blow his kids off.

And she's like, bang!

Knocked his teeth out.

She was mad about something.

I don't know.

Now, I know for a fact that you can, if your two teeth in the front get knocked out, as his were, you can put them back up inside your mouth and they will reattach to the roots.

Really?

Yeah, because I had a friend that happened to.

I did not know that.

He put it

right back in.

They went back together?

He went to a dentist, and they were able to save the two teeth.

Well, they didn't naturally fuse back in, right?

The dentist must have used some type of epoxy or something to that.

I don't know.

Like, if they come out, I mean, not chips.

I'm not talking about if they come out fully, like with the crowns and the two, like the two things at the top.

The posts or whatever?

Yeah.

If they come out clean and not chipped, you can put them back into your mouth.

Okay.

Yeah, and they will reattach.

Does he still have his teeth?

That motherfucker throws nothing away.

He doesn't throw anything away.

He told me he went and digged out

his radiator cap from

the local mechanic.

They said, do you want it?

And or they replaced it, and he was like, no, I don't want it.

And then when he got home later on, he decided he did want it and went back and found it.

He said, was I hi?

And dug through the

dumpster and found his radiator cap and brought it home.

There's some sort of radiator.

There's a radiator cap.

Yeah.

Is there a radiator cap?

Yeah, yeah.

Isn't it just like a thing that you twist on the radiator?

But this is a man who forms bonds with.

But that's the kind of guy, though, that you may want guarding

your country's currency.

Yeah, somebody.

Because he takes it seriously.

Yeah.

Yeah, it doesn't sound weird at all.

Yeah, and there's a guy who was willing to be locked into a room in like a bank where it's it's like there may be a chemical agent going through the air and he's like, all right, it's my responsibility.

Yeah.

Master does have dedication.

So

again, he talks

a good game because

talking about

your dedication and then actually when I see it firsthand, the actions, yeah, I'm not so sure that he's just not all talk.

Is he more likely to be vigilant about the gold than about here?

Because we played a prank on him not last summer, the summer before, where we got a kid to walk out with $100 worth of books right under his nose and he didn't see.

Yeah, he did fail at that.

We got a kid to shoplift the store because he told us that no one could do it under his watch and it was done the first try.

And the kid didn't hide them.

He even just walked right out.

Did he notice the kid walking out and then afterwards approached you and said, or nothing.

Really?

Nothing.

Oblivious.

No.

He's pretty much all talk.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So to come back full full circle.

So to come back full circle to Fort Knox, I don't think he's in his cards.

How do you tell him you can't do it?

Like, I'm like, Troy, I got this great job lined up, Fort Knox.

I just need your, I need your recommendation.

I need you to fill out this form and give me a glowing, like, you know, how great I'd be at the job.

How do you break it to him?

Can you see it in his eyes?

Pretty simply.

I just be like, no.

You could do that.

You could do that.

I mean,

how could it come back to bite you?

Just his credibility.

In general.

The job where I kind of pride myself on my judgment and discretion.

Your instincts, exactly.

He reads people well.

Every conviction I've ever secured gets overturned.

Yeah.

Burgers and rapists walk in the streets all because you gave him a glowing recommendation.

You would look like the TSA agent who's searching the 90-year-old woman in her wheelchair rather than a dude who actually looks like he might try to set his shoes on fire or some shit.

All right, all right.

So now we know.

But that's not a blanket no, case by case.

If Gedam needs a recommendation for something, he can absolutely ask me.

And case by case, Fort Knox is a hard no.

It's a hard no.

What about a pre-teens fort?

A tree fort.

So I don't know.

I don't know how much people actually know about you and how you sort of

started hanging out with us, but it was 2010, right?

The hockey hockey tournament?

I met you guys through Kevin when he was filming Cop Out.

He was filming in the city, and I had met him and struck up a conversation and became friends with him, and then he invited me to start playing with you guys.

So I think the first time I met you was when we were playing maybe in Edison, or was the other?

we played in Edison?

Edison, we played in Eatontown.

Right?

Madowan, Aberdeen.

Madawan?

Yeah.

It was one of the places that we would play.

That's where I met you guys.

And at that point, you know, just said hello, whatever.

But it was up in Brantford at the second tournament where Kevin put me on puck with you with you guys.

And

that night that you guys did the live show in Brantford, afterwards, me, you, and Malcolm went back to Malcolm's room and fucked them.

What a night.

And sat around a bullshit, and that's where we actually got to know each other.

Yeah.

What impressed me about you was that you didn't talk about view ascue shit at all.

Like, all he cared about was 80s horror.

That's all he wanted to talk about.

And I was like, all right, I can get into this.

But

it's an unusual thing for me to hang out with people.

You told me, especially back then, tell him Steve, Dave, if it even started, had just started back then.

And

you were a little apprehensive because over the course of

that point, 15 years, you said you always had to guard up because people come up to you and invariably they would try and use you as an end to meet Kevin or to get something from Kevin.

So much has changed because now it's cute.

But the fact that I met you guys through Kevin, there was no ulterior motive.

There was no like, you know, do you think that I can get a picture with him?

Do you think I can meet him?

Like, so

I just was there hanging out and we became friends.

Your apathy was what impressed me.

But that's where we first started talking and hanging out.

But what really bonded us was our mutual hatred of people because you and I started texting back and forth about people.

Yeah.

And we found that we disliked the same exact people.

And if you like, you know, you many times you'll blame the Twitter people and shit for getting me going about stuff.

The main culprit is sitting at this table.

Hey, did you see this?

Hey, did you see this?

But it is.

It does fuel something.

The mutual hatred of certain people.

It's been years.

It's been years that we'll send stuff back and forth.

And

there's no diminishing returns with it.

No, no, that's it.

It only increases your fervor.

I think the first one was

when you guys were talking about starting combo with men, and there was a lot of online

controversy because people wanted to see a female cast member, and you guys were adamant that it should be like, no, it should be the guys who work here.

We're all friends.

And there was a lot of backlash saying, like, no, you have to cast a female, you have to cast a female.

And there was one particular squeaky wheel who just wouldn't let go of it.

And I had sent you,

I believe, actually, I think I posted on Twitter saying, I don't know why this person is talking so much shit about the comic book men and the stash when she uses Sunday Jeff as her Avvi.

Right, yeah, I remember that because

they were, one of the things are, these are old ViewScue like boardies,

some of like the OG ViewScue people, and they had their own little room or whatever, and they were talking about comic book men, and they started like commenting on my looks and shit.

And then it went to Twitter after they got banned from the board, and then Troy sent that about to.

What's an Abby?

Like your profile picture on Twitter.

And when I say that, I wasn't, it was, you know, I don't want to be gross, but I pat myself on the back, but it was fucking hilarious because

her Abby, it was, it looked like Sunday Jeff.

Oh, it really wasn't.

Oh, yeah.

No, it wasn't.

It wasn't her.

No, she wasn't Sunday Jeff.

The point is that she looks so much like Sunday Jeff.

Oh, okay.

I just get the joke.

So within sending that, within seconds, Brian texted me.

He was like, holy shit, I'm fucking crying.

And I was like, so it's been, at this point now, what, 10 years of just daily back and forth about fucking with people.

Yeah.

And

we have spoken, too, about like, when do you think you'll retire, by the way?

I'm eligible to retire already.

I could have retired as of last April.

but the truth is I love what I do, and I don't see myself leaving until at least another four years from now, three and a half, four years.

Can I take it back even further than your origins?

I know it's important when you met us, but can I get on my job?

When did you know

you wanted to become a policeman?

And

did you ever don the

street cop?

Did you add the blues?

Yep, everybody starts there.

Yeah, I am.

Can you tell us that?

That to me is interesting.

I didn't didn't know what I wanted to do even in college.

And in college, I met this guy, Danny Shee, and he ended up being the best man at my wedding.

He's a very good friend of mine.

And he had his mind made up early on in life that he wanted to be a cop.

And he was telling me all about it.

And something I never considered, but he made it sound pretty good.

So I took the test and never looked back.

And it's the best, well, besides my wife and kids, it's the best decision I ever made in my life.

I can't wait to cut that out.

Did your buddy also become a cop, too?

Yeah, yeah.

yeah.

Two Irishmen on the police force?

Wow.

He became a cop in 94, before I even got on.

I got on in 97.

And since then, he left and went to the fire department.

And I really wish he stayed on my job because he's a chief now with the fire department.

And if he stayed on my job, I could write my own ticket.

In the police department, the fire department, you call it a hook, like somebody who could help you out in your career.

And I've done pretty well for myself anyway.

I'm happy where I am, and I probably wouldn't want to change it.

But, man, if he was the chief on my job, I'd probably be driving him or something.

Now, so you start off, you go to an academy.

What's that like?

Is it like TV, like the rookies?

Yeah, it's six months in the academy.

You learn the law, police science, social science are the three

curriculums you learn.

And then the gym.

You learn self-defense, you go to the range, learn how to shoot, you go to driver training to learn like driving tactics.

And it's six months.

Then you graduate and you go to a command, and everybody starts in uniform on patrol.

So, I did that for

six years, and then I went to anti-crime, which is a plain clothes detail,

and then I went to the detective squad.

I did that for

nine years, and then I went to homicide three years ago.

Did you so

you were what's your rank right now?

Detective.

Detective.

Cop.

In your opinion,

what is the most truest representation of

a TV cop that's closest to what you deal with?

I get that a lot.

Cop rock?

No.

Honestly, like

movies or TV.

If you ask anybody, like patrol-wise, I don't even know anymore because I really don't watch a lot of it.

But

in an office in a squad, it's Barney Miller.

Get the hell out of here.

I'd never would you ever thought that?

You know what, maybe, because of, like, he tells me about the camaraderie and the ball breaking and that kind of shit.

So it does seem like a bunch of just regular guys that make fun of each other.

Have you had the same partner for

as a detective?

Have you had the same partner with you?

So it's not like Starsky and Hutch at all?

No.

It's not like you got you or your partner got hooked on H and he had to get you off, and then you cracked, then you, then you can't.

You got the last time his partner.

Then you stormed a drug aim and got those guys that got your partner

hooked and stuff.

Like, those are like what I would assume, like, are the.

It was cocaine, not heroin.

You know, and you're like, yeah.

Because they forcibly injected Starsky with it, or Hutch, with it.

And then Starsky had to get him off.

Like, it took a weekend, but he got him off of it, and then they went and they stormed the drug house, and they got the bad guys who pumped up Hutch full of this.

I just want to see Troy carrying his partner out of the crack house going, My partner has Poke Dick.

So,

you never watched Star Skin Hutch?

No, I never watched Star Skin Hutch.

So, you're younger than us?

44.

So, you're not that much younger than us.

When I went to

The Joker Set, I downloaded the first season of Starskin Hutch.

I started watching this.

You know the episode I'm talking about?

Yep.

Huggy Bear is awesome.

You have a Huggy Bear on the

Troy.

It's here on the ground that gives you all the info about perps.

And you overlook his silver gold chains.

It's odd to me.

I'm more drawn to this TV thing.

You watched Barney Miller, but not Starsky and Hutch.

No.

And Barney Miller, I only just watched some episodes over the last couple of years.

Oh, okay.

Because back then I was too young for that.

Oh, okay.

All right.

But a nine-year-old doesn't love fish.

Oh, Jehovah.

You won't know fish.

But yeah, it's,

you know, the best part of my job is sitting around the office with the guys just like breaking each other's balls and stuff.

The camaraderie.

Yeah.

That's what you'll miss the most.

Yeah, absolutely.

The brotherhood.

Yeah.

That's Keith says the same thing.

I've never had that.

Well, there's a brotherhood in podcasting, right?

You don't feel like a brotherhood

with like, you know, like you see Ming, you see Mike, you guys, you just just shake your head.

You guys know each other, you know what you guys are going through.

I mean, if I'm looking at Mike and Ming, I see an ancestral brotherhood

if they're brothers.

But no, I don't think so.

Like,

I feel very close to you and Q, but that would be regardless if we were podcasting or not.

I was certainly not like Ming may, though.

Ming may see like a brotherhood.

Yeah, well, and there's something that

can't be replicated when you're talking about guys, though, who put their life on the line.

Yeah, it's like, whoa, we almost got shot, or we almost got burned up on the fire.

Or, you know, they don't know what's going to happen yet.

Like, we pretty much know what's going to happen.

You know, we're going to make fun of Mike and Ming on an episode.

We're going to make fun of Declan.

We're going to push some shit.

We like to do that.

We don't talk to her all the time, you know?

Not to every time.

No, but that's most of my job.

It's like that.

I walk into work and I know I'm going to make fun of Mike.

I know I'm going to make fun of Kevin.

I know I'm going to make fun of Ray.

It's very much like this around the office.

I mean, you know, we work too, but a lot of it's just ballbreaking.

And I've told you a million times, you would fit right in on that floor just making fun of people.

That would be that the only thing I've ever heard that made me want to be a cop is like you hang around making fun of people all day.

Is it like the TV, though, where like you get a call in the middle of the night and you're like, hey, man, there's like there's a body near the docks?

Yeah,

you got to get out there, Troy.

Yeah, there's a body under the docker.

Some guy passed out at his daughter's graduation.

There's a body under deck.

He's screaming.

So you don't have set hours?

It's like you're just on call.

No, I do have set set hours.

I have a set schedule every week.

But then when something happens, like if there's a new case, we can get it.

It actually happened

this month or the end of last month, beginning of this month,

where I got a call at 3.45 in the morning.

I was supposed to be at work at 8, but I got to call and I had to get up and get ready to head in early because when something happens, the boss will call around, tell everybody to come in, and we just come in early for it.

A couple times, too.

You would love this.

Well,

like something will happen where

a weapon will get thrown into the garbage or something, or some piece of evidence will get thrown into the garbage, and then it goes to the station, and then they have to go and look for it.

Like, sometimes in the summer, right?

Like,

tons and tons of garbage they got to sort of get it.

Even if it's not in a dumpster, don't you have to at least check and see if it's in a dumpster?

No, well,

we searched to see when something happens.

But I told Brian that's a true story because two summers ago in August, on the hottest day of the year, we had to go to

a

not a landfill, it was like a a waste station for the

garbage truck stuff.

No, it was enough.

It's ironic.

And we had to dig through literally tons of garbage.

I'm sure Q's not listening to these episodes.

I'm isolating certain things for him.

That'll be one.

So you had to go on the hottest day.

And you have to wear.

Now, are you able just to wear whatever you want?

Or like are you like Martin Riggs or are you more like

where you have to wear a suit?

A suit.

You have to wear a suit no matter how hot it is.

Yeah.

Wow.

That sucks.

Until you have to get down dirty and start digging to eat your suit on, huh?

Yeah, I mean, if we knew ahead of time, we probably would have worn jeans and t-shirts to do it, bathing suits.

But we were already at work when we had to go, so yeah, ruined a suit that day.

Oh, wow.

How do you get to the point where you can be.

Did you turn the fucking heat down up or heat up again?

Yeah, you're lying.

I can tell you.

It looked away when you said it.

Not at all.

Keeps it at like 80 in here.

It's so goddamn hot.

The air just stopped blowing.

Yeah, I just turned it to it off.

How do you get to the point where you can dress like Martin Riggs?

Like,

who's that guy?

No, I already did that.

Oh, that's how you used to do that.

Yeah, that's before I got to the squad.

That's anti-crime where

have you ever gone like in the middle?

And also, that's not real.

Oh, no.

Martin Riggs is not real.

But, like, have you.

I know you probably, I know not without getting into any details obviously I know you can't but have you ever gone undercover where you're like posed as like uh somebody you weren't a nude model for an art class

where I work I can never go undercover because everybody knows exactly who I am not in the city no i in the neighborhoods I work in I wouldn't blend in well let's say you were like you were stationed um to another to another neighborhood where no one knows you and you go in as like your oh if it was like your department or maiden if you're a maid man or something you're and you're trying to like a maid like dusting furniture

french maid's outfit oh so wait he's like he's like one of the westies what's that he's like that irish guy the irish mafia yeah yeah and you're trying to like uh like

infiltrate you like get inside

nothing like that yet no no no would you do it do you have the um

first the acting skills yeah the improv skills right because that's a lot of improv right that's all improv yeah you're You're improv here.

Is there any improv at the academy?

No.

Do they have improv classes?

Roundlings.

They look out to the crowd and be like, okay, somebody give me a job.

Okay.

I'm a landscaper in Give me a city.

You should start a cop improv group at home, the Roundlings, right?

Oh, that's a good idea.

Yeah, man.

What does that mean?

Like bullet, like rounds?

Oh,

but it's a cop improv group.

I mean, yeah, you guys are.

I mean, you guys would be naturals.

Yeah.

You know, I'm blaming you for the heat.

You know what I'm drinking a fucking boiled tea?

This is probably worth it.

That's why I want the iced coffee.

Do you have it in you?

Could you be an undercover guy?

Not a chance.

You might be good, though, because there was, fuck, I can't remember his name, but he infiltrated the,

I think it was the Mongols motorcycle group.

And he was, he was, like, for a couple of years, he was in there.

And one of the things was he doesn't sweat.

So it doesn't, like, people don't sweat.

I don't look nervous.

Never.

Motherfucker.

Motherfucker.

Like 100 degrees.

That's there again.

In my whole 50 years, though, I haven't been trying to

snow fucking murderers and people will chop me up into bits.

So I may, my perspiration levels maybe change if I know the room is full of people who will fucking cut me up into little bitty pieces.

It only takes one person.

Over here, he's like, I don't trust him.

Ah, shit.

No, so you see in the movies where they like, you know, prove you're not a cop and they make the person do drugs.

Right.

Like, this is the guy who considers spices drugs.

The hardest shoes think him as a buffer.

I'll do it.

Hand me the salt.

That would be tough.

I do think, though, that, and I've said it to Troy before, I don't think you've seen the documentary, The 7.5,

which I highly recommend to everyone.

It's about the late 70s, early 80s, these two cops who sort of

were like cowboys.

They got onto

the payroll of these drug dealers, and they were going around.

They were robbing people.

They were protecting drug dealers, all this shit.

And they eventually got busted and went to jail, but now they're out.

I don't think Kenny did, actually.

One of the guys did, went to jail.

And out of those two guys, like one was more of like the stand-up guy and not like

he sort of got talked into it, which I feel would be Troy.

And then there was the other guy who was like, here's what we should do, which I feel like would be me.

Like, Troy's told me that he's gone into, after like drug bust, and there'll be tens, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars in a wall.

And I'm like, how do you not take a chunk of it?

He's like, nope, not worth it.

He's He's like, it's not worth it.

Yeah, but you took your oath.

I know.

I mean, just basic morality.

You don't steal.

What are promises except for words in a certain order?

Is that it?

Yeah, like Michael Dowd, that guy was a sociopath.

Totally.

If he didn't become a cop, then he would be a criminal.

He just ended up being both.

He would be part of a crew or something.

Right, right.

That's a guy just thinking, fuck.

And like, the first thing he did once he got away with it, it would just snowball until he did crazier and crazier and crazier shit.

Yeah.

Like doing the things that it's like, dude, like driving a red Corvette to work where you make, at that time it was like something like $30,000 a year or something.

And not collecting his paychecks.

His paychecks were sitting in the property for weeks.

For like weeks and months.

And they're like, why is this guy not need to collect his paychecks?

Yeah.

Well, I think it's probably because he was coked out of his mind all the time.

So it's like it didn't occur to him to do stuff like that.

He was very much like a Joe Pesci character.

When you watch the documentary, he's just got like that personality.

Yeah.

But it seems exciting.

Like, I don't know how much excitement you see on a daily basis, but like the way that was presented, I was like, man, the adrenaline must never stop.

It's awesome.

Like, well, someone says, have you ever solved the unsolvable murder?

Like, the murder mystery?

By definition.

Well, is there a guy so hard legends in your, in your, in your precinct of guys who are like, you know, like, they were amazing.

They got this reputation.

They were, they basically, did you come across any Columbos in your real

Titans?

I worked with a lot of really talented guys.

And

off Mike, I could tell you about a couple of really good cases, but not something I could talk about.

Well, I don't mean to get into the details, but

were there cases that were just like where you were like,

I don't think this is not solvable, and then you guys, but somebody cracked it.

Yeah.

And they're like, they're legends amongst you guys.

Columbo must have how many people has he put behind bar hundreds.

Is there people like that?

I mean, not there's not like one particular guy you're like holy shit like he did there are cases that have come down and from the jump you're like you know i don't know if this one's gonna go but then things just fall into place and they end up getting solved and you're like holy shit like that was good work right you know

so that does happen though yeah i there's one in particular i told you about recently that was a really good case that at the beginning i was like i don't know if this one's ever going to go but recently oh yeah that was that was interesting yeah that was really interesting i'll tell you about it later on okay four years.

That's what I want to talk about.

I can tell you off my.

That's the thing.

Like I told you, like, it's

I love doing this, but it feels like it's like doing it with one hand tie behind my back is like the best shit.

In four years,

you and Bri should start a podcast.

We've talked about it.

I've talked about it.

Oh, yeah.

In four years, you guys got like a hit on your hand.

What's that one that's always what they always talk about?

Oh, like cereal.

Yeah, you guys can top that because you got the humor and the badge.

Maybe that's the name of it.

Humor and the badge.

But Troy's funny too, so he's like, so I'm just a badge.

Yeah,

would you

get him a recommendation to be a CO?

What's that?

Like you almost became.

Yeah.

Yeah, that I would.

Definitely.

Those guys,

how do they do it?

How do they do that job?

How do they exist like David?

I can never do that job.

I mean, just the stories and the shit you read in the papers and the guys I talk to, I couldn't do that job.

What's that bomb they throw at you?

Oh,

when they gas them.

It's called gassing them.

Yeah, it's like a bomb of urine and feces.

You know, Ginnum would be gassed, like, even be even by his

coworkers gassing him as they walk through the front door.

There's a water balloon filled with piss and shit.

I don't know if Ginnam would do well, though, there.

Because he'd be too easily intimidated.

He doesn't seem to be like a.

Well, I mean, I tell you, if you give him the authority,

he would love it.

I think he would love it.

I think it would just be

finally, you know,

he would have it.

And I think he would.

Oh, he got a prison riot breaks out.

How's he going to fare?

Like, fighting for his life to get out of there.

Especially after he wielded all that authority over everyone, like now it's gone back to haunt him.

That wouldn't go well for him.

You finally understand why he's practicing his karate moves.

Yeah, right?

One leg starts to go up and then he's just down.

there are there's so many of those shows on Netflix like locked up this, locked up that.

And these guys are like monsters.

It's like, did you see Deadpool 2 yet?

Not yet.

I did see solo.

You went to see solo?

Yeah, why?

It's Star Wars.

I thought you weren't going to go see any of the Star Wars.

I know.

I went so s solo, though.

But go ahead.

I don't want to talk about it.

It was very unsatisfying,

very just unfulfilling.

It wasn't bad.

It wasn't good.

It was just kind of like

it it just felt unnecessary.

I mean, it's hard to

look behind me like somebody who's sneaking about.

I think it's very difficult to

cast younger versions of iconic

characters that people like that actors owned.

Harrison Ford owned Tan Solo, so it's very difficult.

You're asking a lot of any young actor to come in and try to fill those boots.

It really wasn't that great.

What were you going to say about that, Paulo?

Shit,

yeah, there was.

If you had seen it, I was going to tell you one of the guys that shows up in it at the end.

Like, some of these guys remind me of this character.

They're just fucking massive.

And the guys are like, all right, well, we're going to have to do a cell extraction.

And then there's like eight guys jumping on the one dude trying to pull him out.

And he's still like.

Right.

Because the dude's like, I've got nothing to lose.

Yeah.

Like, they've got nothing to lose, some of these guys.

Do you ever wish that you did it, Walt?

Like, just say for like a week, just to

see what it would have been like.

Never once have I ever wished that I had made a different decision.

After the first

viewing of oral pleasure with that fucking dude, that was enough for me.

No, no, you don't want to see more of this.

No, I just knew that.

I'll go work at the stash where two guys would never give each other head.

Mike,

oh, god damn it.

Oh, you're terrible.

I said I'd never go back.

No, I'm not.

No, that's just, yeah, it takes a different kind of

person that can deal with that.

And that's not me.

Because

it feels like it would just be non-stop acting up that you have to do.

That's working at the wreck.

Except with guys that would not be twice about killing you.

I don't think it's you could not even terrorize it.

The worst part of it even is that you're locked in there, too.

Yeah.

You know?

For part of your day, you're just in prison also, or jail also.

And without weapons.

Yeah.

Fuck Casper Gomez.

And fuck the fucking DS Brothers.

Fuck them all.

Walt, you know what that means?

I'm laying on my Casper and watching Scarface, son.

I get what you're talking about.

I don't get these references.

Walt told me recently, he's like, Q and I were texting back and forth, and Walt was in the group text.

He's like, I got to be honest, like...

80% of the time, I have no idea what you guys are talking about.

As a reference to Kevin Smith popping in here, ladies and gentlemen,

to lend extra salesmanship to this Casper spot.

We're just all laying on a three-man Casper mattress right now.

All together.

And nothing weird about it.

Custom made for us.

And what's weird is we opened it out of the box and we all stood there and watched it unfurl.

That was fun.

And then we're all laying on it right now.

He's talking about fucking Scarface, man.

Fuck Casper Gomez.

And fuck the fucking Diaz Brothers.

He fucked up.

He got away.

He's dropping movie references.

Yeah, I got to be honest.

I like to see that.

How many times have you seen Scarface over that?

Once.

Really?

Like back in the day?

On cable, and I heard so much about it, and I really wasn't that interested in it.

I live larger than this guy.

Her womb is so polluted, she can't even have a little baby.

That's pretty good.

If you'd seen the movie more than once, you'd recognize it.

You'd love me right now.

Pure talent.

He's dropping real nuggets here.

And he's not even doing like the big ones.

Like, say hello to my little friend.

He's pulling deep cuts.

Isn't there only so much time in this world that you can spend re-watching movies, though?

I don't know.

Look at who you're talking to.

I re-watch my movies all the time, plus the movies I grew up with and stuff.

Plus, I'm in the business of referring to old movies all the time.

I'm just in the movie business in general.

Yeah, I hope that never fucking ends.

But you know what feels fucking good, man, when you're watching a movie laying on one of them sweet-ass Casper mattresses.

My God, Casper mattress.

Let me do you one better.

When I have a heart attack, I slept my fucking

when I cheated death, Brian and Walter, Walter and Brian and whoever else,

when I cheated fucking death, the first night back on earth, alive, not dying, my head was sleeping on a Casper pillow.

Jason Muse brought a Casper pillow to the hospital.

He goes, look, the hospital pillows, he's going, you don't know who died on it.

He goes, use this.

And he gave me that Casper pillow, and it...

It was supple.

It just held my fucking head.

They're not just the mattress people.

They do pillows as well.

Let's not discount your amazing recupery may have been attributed to that Casper pillow.

I've been telling my cardiologist that.

My cardiologist says it's him and the stent.

I say no.

I say, I slept that first night on a Casper pillow.

And I say that's what did it.

Were you like a couple feet away from the light and Muse came in with that pillow and you're like that's what dragged me back.

I was like, I can't, I can't go yet.

I got to see what this feels like.

Heaven couldn't feel as good as this.

And I put my head on that Casper pillow, and you're absolutely right, Brian.

I said, fuck God.

I know that's not going to sell a single pillow or mattress, but I said, this is better than heaven.

You were heavily medicated.

It's the only reason you said it.

That's why.

Otherwise, I respect God and everybody who believes in God.

I said, just, I said, like the cure, I said, this is just like heaven, I says.

Yeah.

I mean,

thanks for the backup.

You left my cure, Joe, Kangan, the way you left your fucking scarface Joe Kangen.

I have no idea.

Again, the cure, what's that?

It's a band.

Oh, my God.

You haven't laid on enough beds with men

casper mattresses, talking to boys about music and their feelings.

You'll hear him go on and on about

how much of the Doris Day show he watches.

Punctuated by, it sucks.

It's the worst.

I love it, though.

But nothing sucks when you're laying on a cash or mattress.

That will make the Doris Day Show watchable.

Yeah,

that must be the key.

You know, Walt, I don't need to tell you this.

You can be sure of your purchase with Casper's 100-night risk-free sleep-on-it trial.

Where is it?

You can literally give them a mattress back after fucking 99 nights, and they're like, all right, fair enough, buy.

And that's that.

Like, you don't hear from them ever again.

It's not like, you piece of shit, you slept on it.

I don't know what else you do on it.

No.

It's all you can send it back to them like defiled and fucking ruined.

Well, I would imagine they'd be like, hey, this is beyond the pale.

Yeah.

99 straight nights.

of banging.

Yes.

And you can send it back.

You can destroy that mattress.

Just wear it out and still send it back.

And they will honor that return.

But here's why they can put that offer out there.

Ready?

You ain't going to send it back.

Because you already threw the box away.

Yes.

Number one, you can't find the box.

Could either of you guys do the 99-day defiling challenge?

Mean fuck every day for 99 days.

Does myself count?

My pound in my fist?

I don't think that would technically count.

Well, I'm a heavy set dude.

So undulating flap slammed down on the mattresses.

It's a perpetual motion machine.

Yes, yes.

I think it hurts just as much as getting fucked i think that's why they can offer because they know no one's going to be able to do the

i don't think the offer is strictly like if you fuck on this 99 times straight you a man son it says sleep on a child

this mattress is amazing i love look not only sleeping on is comfy as fuck but I'm telling you, the entertainment value alone of taking that thing out the box, it's like when, you know, your kid buys one of those fucking sponge things, throws in water, becomes a little dinosaur sponge and shit.

Take that, dial it up to 11.

My suggestion, as a stoner, get baked, then open the box.

Yeah, oh, it's fun to watch.

It's just like,

um, and you're like, How'd they get all that in there?

It's like when Bri has sex with women, they're like, How'd he get all that in there?

Yeah, man, and I'm like, through fucking sheer engineering, like the Casper Company.

The Casper Company.

If you own a Casper mattress,

I own three.

Do you really?

Yeah.

He actually paid for them.

I paid for them, too.

Each one?

Each one.

I respect that.

I respect the shit out of that that you paid for.

Thank you.

Because you're like, I ain't fucking being,

I'm owned by no man.

You're like, when I speak for Casper, it's because I enjoy the quality of their work.

Is that right?

I will never buy another mattress other than Casper.

I'm not kidding.

I know I've been kidding around a lot about us sleeping.

We're not really sleeping on the mattress right now.

All three of us.

Don't ruin Theater of the Mind.

There were so many people that were like jerking off, thinking all three of us on the mattress,

going, ooh, they're 99 days, day one with those three boys.

But all kidding aside, I, on all seriousness, I still lay in my Casper and think to myself, I cannot believe how comfortable this is.

And that is not a lie.

That's a fucking testimony right there.

Never mind salesmanship.

That's a testimony, man.

That's a guy who's like legit just telling you the straight-up dope, man.

And Walt Flanagan, he's a man of means.

He can buy any mattress he wants.

He's got the time to go shopping at a mattress store with his wife, but he's not fucking beholden to the tyranny of the mattress store.

He'll never walk through the doors of a mattress store again.

Fuck them.

His time is his.

Look how many small businesses he's fucking ruined just like they had to hang up their sign.

They're like, we're done.

I won't buy a mattress from him.

I fucking put some my fucking shoes.

He's left a fucking

string of dead mattress stores in his wake, man, because he's fucking gone right to Casper.

They make it happen.

What is it, Casper.com/slash Tesdi?

Well, first, I got to talk about five of these talking points, which oh, good lord.

Yeah, I don't think we

doesn't have a Kevin Smith in the gate having to say five points.

I don't think she'll fuck her sister.

I don't want to hear you gotta do it again.

Which I thought I've heard 18 times less than that.

I honestly feel between Waltz, like I will literally never buy any other mattress, and me going, I lived, and after dying, and love their product.

Like, I mean, I can't say enough about it.

I'm going to use these five outs super quick.

They're interesting.

All designed, developed, and assembled in the United States.

Affordable prices because Casper cuts out the middleman and sells directly to you.

Well, hassle-free returns if you're not completely satisfied.

Right.

Delivered right to your door in a small, how did they do that?

Sized box.

That's part of the fun.

Free shipping and returns in the United States and Canada.

Respect.

This offer is applicable only to select mattress purchases, and terms and conditions apply.

You know how many times I didn't say terms and conditions apply and they're like, do it again.

To be fair, I've never said that either.

So maybe, yeah.

Maybe somebody you're still on your first commercial probably.

Get $50 towards select mattresses by visiting casper.com slash TESD and use the promo code T-E-S-D at checkout.

Terms and conditions apply.

Do not address the following under any circumstances.

And I want to say it so bad every time, but I'm not going to.

Don't.

Casper mattress, motherfucker.

What are you waiting for?

You want to sleep like a human being instead of the animal you've been sleeping like in a goddamn cage in a corner with

you're more animal than man, right?

Yes, exactly.

Less human, fucking more animal.

So you want to be more human?

You get yourself a Casper mattress.

Go to casper.com/slash TESDA.

Get some money off that first mattress.

Casper.com.

What do you guys want to do?

You want to watch Scarface?

Fuck yeah.

Pluff, rump up your pillow and

I'll leave some quotes so you'll know what we're talking about.

Rub my back while we watch Scarface.

No problem.

Bro, you rub mine now.

Fuck, we got a a human son of Peter Massage's car.

How do you see, like, how do you, can you rationalize, I don't rationalize, but how do you wrap your head around the guys who are cops in like England

who walk the streets with no weapons, no guns?

I don't know how much of that is true anymore.

Oh, it's not true.

I don't know.

Oh, okay.

I remember growing up, that was the thing that, like, you know, the English pop-up bomb carried guns.

I don't even know if that's a thing anymore, especially inaccurate.

Over the last couple of years, when you've seen all these knife attacks and cars driving into crowds, I don't know if they can operate like that anymore.

Isn't it weird that there's a time they could, though?

Yeah.

I mean, that's crazy.

Do UK police carry guns anymore in Northern Ireland?

They all carry firearms.

In the rest of the United Kingdom, the majority do not.

That duty is instead carried out by specially trained firearms officers.

I guess it's still a matter of debate.

But you know what?

They probably don't have to, because I guess maybe there just aren't a lot of guns over there either, because every time you hear about any mass murder, it's somebody who runs around stabbing people or they drive a car into a crowd.

You don't hear about mass shootings over there.

Well, they have one, what, the Eagles,

the Death Metal Eagles or the Eagles of Death Metal.

No, that was in France.

Oh, that was in France.

Okay, I thought that was in England.

And even the

Ariana Grande concert?

That was in England, but that was a bomb, right?

Yeah.

There's been in the news, though, I want to ask you this, Troy.

A lot of

feces-related crime crime recently.

And I wanted to ask you, have you personally seen it?

In the stash is what he's talking about.

Have you seen an uptick in

crimes involving excrement?

No, no, not an uptick because it wasn't really ever a thing.

No, but I'm telling you about, like, you've seen it in the news recently, right?

Why the evidence clean?

Like, I mean, you haven't seen the news recently, right?

It seems like it's been crazy about how much.

The only feces-related crime I know about is one you guys talked about the other week with with the school superintendent shitting on the track.

Oh, you didn't see about the lady in Canada who went into the Bob Hortons.

Oh, no, I did see that, the Tim Hortons, yeah.

And it's everywhere lately.

It's like it's the thing to do now, I think.

You know, maybe gun control's working.

That's that's the new thing.

Well,

the whole like this is, remember, we were talking about Starbucks last week.

Something's happened since, you know, it was like, hey, anyone can come in, right?

Right.

So, Best Buy in LA, right in West Hollywood, a Best Buy that we used to go to all the time, security notices some guy

like sort of acting like he's not a shopper.

He seems to be watching other people rather than looking for merchandise or whatever, and he's walking around a little bit, walking around a little bit.

All of a sudden, he clocks a dude, takes his iPhone, runs out the door.

This is an example of Best Buy Security being like, oh my God, if we say something and we're wrong, It's going to be an issue.

So now you have to wait until a guy gets knocked out.

As opposed to what, saying, like, removing him because he's just acting weird?

We're just asking him, being like, hey, can I help you with something?

Like, they should have sent someone up to be like, hey, can I help you find something?

or whatever, you know?

And like, let that guy know that it's like you're being watched.

You agree with that?

Yeah, I mean, you hear a lot of stores now, their corporate policies, like, don't get involved.

Somebody takes something, let's just let them walk out.

And then, what's the point of even having security?

I'm like, don't say that.

Don't say that.

I guess for most

people, if

the temptation was there, if they wanted to shoplift something, and they're thinking to think twice about it with a security guard, but I guess if most people knew that you could just pick up that saw's all at Home Depot and walk out the door and no one's going to stop you, maybe it would happen more often.

And the company's just going to take it as a loss rather than like the bad publicity.

What I understand, Target's like notorious for that.

Like they just, if somebody walks out, just let them have it.

Like call the police.

That's most people's policy, which I agree with because,

you know,

guys getting paid $10, $12 an hour doing security.

Does he really want to confront somebody?

And possibly.

It happened, was it in Jersey?

No, it was in the city recently, where it was a supermarket, somebody was shoplifting, and all the employees cornered the guy and grabbed him, and the guy ended up having a heart attack and dying on the floor.

And now the store's on the hook because they're saying that basically they fucking killed this guy for trying to shoplift.

Oh, yeah, it's tough, man.

It's a tough situation.

What's your policy here?

What's the official policy?

Let him walk out the door.

We don't have anything written in place, protocol.

It's kind of like,

you know, play it by ear,

which is how the cops do it, right?

Yeah, well, Trent Lately, well, you don't want to give people the impression that it's okay.

It's the target of comic books.

I just say, like,

we know what we'll do.

We've kind of run some drills,

but I don't want to give too much away of what we're going to do.

Like, when all three of us, we have hand signals down,

um

we have we have something set in place though all right yeah i like it so it's gone beyond the one fake security camera we've had since 1998

that's good i also wanted to ask you this and you don't have to weigh in if you if you don't want to like if you feel it's too um you don't want to give your opinion on it until like maybe you want to wait for four years but what are your feelings on costumed vigilantes

that you're now are they popping up all over the uh all over the country now like groups of

costume yeah actually I'm bringing it up because in San Diego there's a there's a there's a guy called the brick who's a part of the extreme justice league he wears a four-colored demons jersey as his costume he has this brick mask on and he wears a four-colored demons jersey and he's part of the extreme justice league and they go out and they are kind of like costume vigilantes.

What's your...

That's awesome.

Well, I mean, but as a policeman, how do you feel about that?

Let's say he, you know, you you're on your beat tomorrow and you see a group of guys in costume and moving along, boy.

Keep on the streets clean.

I mean, how would you really feel if you had to deal with something like that, costumed vigilantes?

If I was driving down the street and I saw a group of costumed vigilantes, like, on patrol, strolling down the sidewalk, I'd probably just keep driving.

Just to show my hair to keep going.

But

let's say they get themselves into

a Tate to Day.

A real pickle.

Yeah, get to a pickle,

and they keep fouling up your cases.

Fouling your cases.

They keep coming in, and you're not going to be able to collar some perp because they stepped in, and since they won't reveal their identity, you're not going to be able to.

Do you use a record and they screwed up the whole ID procedure and everything?

Yeah, so now you're.

You'll never find out who the brick is.

I don't know.

In this hypothetical scenario, are they like driving crime down or people terrified of committing crimes?

Almost like Batman.

Maybe you have to save one or one at a, like maybe they cause a riot or something, or like you have to go in, and like they're maybe, in your estimation, they're causing more problems than solving.

Yeah, then I think that

I can't get behind custom vigilantes if they're causing riots, since we haven't had a riot in New York City since like the mid-80s.

Well, one of these things, like a bar brawl, something on the level of a bar brawl they're causing.

Like an old school Western bar brawl where like one person punches a guy and then everyone's fighting.

See,

officially, I can't endorse costume vigilantes, but unofficially would be pretty cool to live in a world where that was going on because I think it would be fucking hilarious.

Well, it is going on.

I mean, these guys are doing it.

There's a whole bunch of.

Is there any stories of like their

I believe his name was

Phoenix Jones?

Yeah, he was on Comic Jones.

Yeah, he was on Comic Book Man, and he's been shot at.

He's been physically assaulted.

And I mean, he's the real deal.

Apparently, not because you haven't told him about any crimes.

He's just a feeding his ass case.

He has solved

women getting beat up by their boyfriends and stuff.

He's come in and saved them.

He's actually

halted beard guy.

Damn you, Phoenix Jones.

I was just about to give her a fat lip.

Let's go, Suzanne.

Oh, Phoenix Jones, you're my hero show.

Let's take our domestic violence elsewhere.

Phoenix Jones has to keep sticking his nose in my business.

Would it change

your opinion of Costa and Vigilanis if there was no doubt, though, they had superpowers, though?

Yes.

Okay.

If there's no, like, legit superpowers, like if the DCU came to life and people had superpowers?

Or just

he just somehow he was able to fly, whether it be by mechanical

or mutant abilities,

would it change the police forces?

Because in the comics and in the films,

even with superpowers, the cops are still always kind of like down on Spider-Man and anybody who, all these costumed heroes.

But if you guys in the real world knew these guys had powers, would it change how you

but you still really couldn't trust them, right?

Because they were hiding behind a mask.

I'm thinking in the real world, if people had superpowers, they wouldn't spend their time being good Samaritans.

They would exploit it to make money.

I would.

I mean, I don't know.

I still think there's people, if they had powers, they would.

It's just ingrained in us as Americans that we should use our powers to fight evil, though.

Well, I mean, you know how appreciated the police are in this world.

Imagine if you had a costume, maybe even more appreciated.

I just can't, imagine like,

well, you say it exists in real life, but like Phoenix Jones, like, how much of his crime fighting ability is him getting involved in stuff and stopping it?

And how much of it is people's just sheer confusion seeing this guy showing up like when they're in the middle of, like you said, like beating up their girlfriend?

How much of it is like, what the fuck?

And that's the way.

You know the way certain women are.

Like, like black ladies especially would be like, mind your fucking business, Phoenix Jones.

Like, she would take care of it herself.

I've seen like videos like World Star where black ladies are fucking housing dudes, like, knocking them the fuck out with one punch, and people are like, oh, World Star.

It's awesome.

Like, it's awesome watching a black lady that'll like get punched and be like, fuck that, and just take the guy down and beat his ass.

It's amazing.

And the flip side of the coin is the woman, like, in the Tim Hortons video that you showed, who just shits in her hand and throws it at somebody.

Is that a superpower?

I don't think it is unless

her excrement can do something after it hits you other than just repulse you.

It could

explode or it could

make you shrink or make you grow or something.

It's going to make you smell.

Yeah, that's all it's going to do.

But I'm like this guy, Brick, the brick, in San Diego,

we're going to interview him and find out if he's just doing this without superpowers.

Not knowing anything about the brick.

Stay tuned.

Probably next week, we're going to get him on Skype and where he's going to phone in and we're going to talk to the brick.

Okay.

More so than I know nothing about the brick and I know very little about Phoenix Jones, but I would imagine that the woman who shits her hand and throws it at people would be a far greater deterrent than either of them.

Like, think about it.

If you were tempted to shoplift and some lady came in and she was about to fire a load of shit right at your face, Are you going to continue to shoplift?

Yeah, like if the security guard, he's either going to give you a little bit of shit as you walk out undeterred, or he's going to fucking literally throw shit all

in his hand and throw it all over you.

I wouldn't shoplift.

Right.

I wouldn't risk it.

But

this is not a quick process, though.

It was for that lady.

No, it really wasn't, though.

No, you had plenty of time to stop her.

Yeah, she had some telescope, too.

Yeah, she was grabbing the napkins and stuff.

Actually, you know what?

That wasn't tells because I don't think anybody imagined in their wildest dreams that that's what she was about to do.

Well, now people are expecting it now because of the rash of Feces crime on

taking extra napkins at McDonald's the other day.

But I don't think anybody's waiting anymore to see

if people are going to use that method of assault on.

Yeah, so she'll overcome customer in Starbucks.

But yeah, she's going to adapt to that.

Now she'll just wear adult appends instead of having to reach for the napkin.

So you'll never know.

She could do it like in the blink of an eye.

But still, it's not, it's how quickly can you you get one out?

It's like, I mean, with that level of rage, though, I mean, she seemed like

it almost was like she was like, he's going to say no.

And when he does.

Well, she had to go already, though.

Let's be honest.

That's what I mean.

That's right.

She had it on back.

She was like, so if you're just saying this is just to be like, let's say

somebody grabs

the last

snapple on the shelf.

You're not really.

Dude, I got one in the chamber just here.

I'm so pissed.

Yeah, like you're not like, you don't have one at the go or at the ready to like do.

I mean, she was she was holding that one barely back as it was because she had to put a bathroom on it.

Which is why she asked, Can I use the bathroom?

So we're talking about that.

I think Troy's talking about other instances where it's going to happen.

Yeah, but if she, but if she wants to make that a livelihood, if she wants to go out now and be a vigilante and that's her thing,

then she can go

out every night, like, ready for patrol.

Like,

she'll down a crave case from White Castle.

That way, she always has one on deck ready to go.

Coincidentally, her supervillain name is also Brick.

Well, that's going to be rough because we got a White Castle spot coming up in a couple of minutes.

Oh, do we?

No.

I was like, wow.

I was like, holy shit.

All right, got to take a quick dyslexia break.

That's right, dyslexia in the middle of the episode, not at the end.

I'm sure that's making all of the people who went and scrubbed right to the end of the episode to see what the dyslexia clue is.

They're probably right now going, oh shit.

All right.

Dyslexia clues from last week were

the first clue was

eve of destruction, and that was

dawn of creation.

Clue number two,

Hummer's father,

and that was Whistler's mother.

And finally, clue number three was the first breakfast, and that was the last supper.

And obviously, these were all famous paintings.

Connor Shapiro, he was the winner, and he picked up

Baron von Flanagan limited edition baseball tea.

And that's what you'll be playing for this week.

If you guess all three and also guess the theme and include your address and your shirt size,

you may win a Baron von Flanagan baseball t-shirt available nowhere else but here through this gameplay.

Alright, so first clue

is

earthy Ming Rock.

Earthy Ming Rock.

Clue number two,

Sky Off

Gave.

Sky Off Gave.

and clue number three

ounce

pauper

ounce pauper.

All right, so email in to kmuse2 at gmail.com.

Again, include your address and your shirt size, and you may win the Baron von Flanagan baseball tee,

the limited edition one.

All right, all right, let's get back to the show.

Get back to Brian Troy.

It's a good episode, man.

This was a good one.

You said you have a game, Walt.

Yeah, something you pissed it off.

An oldie,

but a goodie, and one that people have asked me at least twice for.

At least twice.

At least.

Yeah.

I fought the law and the law won.

I remember this one.

You remember this one?

This was

kind of like One True Three.

It's kind of like One True Tweet.

It's kind of like every other game.

Everything else is a variation of these are three things.

But these are three laws.

Okay.

Only one is true.

And I figure we'd let the humor versus the badge.

Was that the name of your podcast?

You made it up.

I don't know if we'd officially.

Law and the laughs.

The law and the laughs.

No, no, we'll work on that.

We'll work on that.

We've got time.

We got a couple of years.

I don't like that it immediately discounts Troy as being funny because he's like one of the funniest people.

But you're automatically assuming that it...

Well, I know I'm not the badge.

So what the fuck?

It doesn't mean he can't be funny, though.

Maybe I am, though.

Like, by reasoning of deduction, I'm like, well, if I'm not the badge, then I must be the humorist.

So I figured you would go against Troy, Brian?

Sure.

You kind of had a rough go of it.

Last week I got crushed.

Yeah.

Weekend before I rose.

These are some really good ones, though.

And I didn't want to just stick to America because I figured you were so

up to date on your American laws that I would try to make it.

There's so many weird little laws everywhere.

When we were outside, he was giving tickets to black cars because he's that racist.

I don't know if you guys know that much about laws.

But I figured we'd go around the world a little bit because

that way it would

make it a fair playing field for Bry.

All right.

Who do you think knows the laws better?

A detective who's now basically concentrating just on murder stuff, or a guy who breaks laws a lot and has.

Do you still

are breaking laws at this age?

I did today.

Go through a red light.

Do you stop people who go through red lights?

He's not stopping Kashyam vigilantes.

He's not stopping somebody who wasn't.

You're just solving crimes that you're cases that you're given.

Correct.

Are you allowed to just pull people over and give them tickets?

Yeah.

So why didn't you pull them over?

I wasn't there.

Oh, he wasn't in the car with you?

No.

Oh, okay.

But you are now an accessory after the fact, so you're going down with me.

But I'd say Brian has just as good a shot at me because if we're talking about like village codes in like Belgium, like little municipal laws, that you got the training.

You need to kind of know.

That's true.

You kind of know in your heart, like, what's real.

So, are you saying this was set up to make me lose?

No, not at all.

I mean, I just don't know if you have the

proper training, though, I don't think, to

you're going to be, but it's not your fault.

I mean, you're a layman going against a professional.

If you get one,

I would consider that a victory.

Okay.

So if I only have to get one, I beat him.

No, no, you beat them.

But I mean, it's a good one.

You're a personal victory.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

So this one will be for Troy.

How do you guys want to do it?

Do you want you both get to weigh in, or do you want each individual weighs in on one

three, or do you want the ability to both weigh in on one?

Well, if we both weigh in, then if we roll our hand with our fall process.

So you want to do it individually?

I was going to suggest if, you know, that like serial killer box every month?

Yeah.

I was like, I wonder, I should get Troy to help me with this.

I know we could bust serial killers, right?

I mean, they're fake, but.

You just got to take some time away from your family.

That's the thing you were talking about with Jiggy at dinner.

Yeah.

All right.

That thing.

Are you doing it now?

Yeah, I started getting them.

How is it?

I haven't opened it yet because I don't have a partner.

Does a detective dream, like daydream about going up against a serial killer?

I wouldn't say it's daydreams.

It'd be interesting.

If only a string of women would go missing.

But like, you know, and you like the case, like a super sense satialistic case.

Well, you're not a kid.

I live out there with a Gilgo Beach Killer, yeah.

There's a serial killer on Long Island.

Actually, it would be.

It's called what?

The Gilgo Beach Killer.

All the bodies are being dropped on Gilgo Beach over the course of.

How many years?

It's been several years now.

So he's still active?

Yeah.

You haven't been given the case yet?

No, it's not where I work.

Oh, okay.

He was assigned to a gay nude beach to do some undercover work.

Do I need a suit?

No.

And like in a movie where it hits too close to home, I find Mike and Ming.

I'm like, no!

He just plant evidence on him just so I can get off the beach and catch the killers.

All right, come on.

So

you guys would be murdering Mike and Ming today.

I'm crying what you guys are doing.

It's not right.

Well, if they would stop with the felonious assault of each other,

all right.

Well, this one's for Troy.

Says you're a guest.

Law number one: in Barcelona, Spain, you can travel nude if you're going to the beach.

Note, you could go naked anywhere up until 2011.

Okay.

But if you man spread on a train, you're definitely going to jail.

Number two, there's still a death penalty in Israel, but it's only for former Nazis.

Okay.

Or law number three, in Germany, incest between consenting adults is illegal, but cohabitation is not if the couple can demonstrate permanent sterilization or hysterectomy.

Do the third one again.

In Germany, incest between consenting adults

is illegal, but cohabitation is not if the couple can demonstrate permanent sterilization, i.e., through hysterectomy or vasectomy.

Okay, well, that one's bullshit because cohabitation of people who aren't fucking is totally illegal everywhere.

He's fucking good.

If I wanted to share an apartment with my apartment

with my sister, I wouldn't have to get sterilized.

I would.

man,

I'm surprised you didn't go right into out of the academy, right into it, the tech.

I mean, you know, he's amazing.

He sniffed that one out so quick.

Because the whole starlight thing, I can't imagine the government be like, all right, you guys don't sign that lease until when he gets a vacuum

as dictated by President Himmler.

All right, so it's a 50-50 shot here.

In Israel, I'd be shocked that.

There is still a death penalty in Israel, but only

for former Nazis.

No, I'm going to rule that on one out too because I would say that Israel, I don't even know if they have the death penalty or ever had it, but I would say that they wouldn't want to close the door to the opportunity to execute any current-day terrorists.

Okay.

So they don't exactly love Arabs.

I'm going to go with number one just because Barcelona, Spain.

You can travel nude if you're going to the beach.

You could go naked anywhere up until 2011.

Yeah, I'm going to go with number one just because

I want it to be true because one day I want to retire and move to Barcelona and be able to do that.

But as a cop,

let's say

you got your transfer.

You're in Spain now.

You see somebody,

you see some tubby and unattractive dude.

Okay.

What's up, Troy?

What are you doing?

I'm going to the beach.

Hold on, bro.

Let's say you just see a whole bunch of people walking around nude.

All they have to tell you is, like, I'm going to the beach, and you have to let them go, right?

Yeah.

So.

Like, if you're carrying a picnic basket or a beach umbrella.

Yeah, I mean, like, so, like,

it's, wow, I'm kind of like taking it back.

But it's also the same country where they're totally fine with letting people run down the street being chased by bulls.

So

I don't think walking around nude is a big deal.

I like the idea of Troy wearing nothing but his hat and his gun belt,

patrolling the beach.

Patrol.

You marry the two being naked, running down the street being chased by bulls.

So you're going to go final answer.

In Barcelona, Spain, you can travel nude if you're going to the.

It could be number two, but I'm going to go with number one.

Okay.

The

I fought the law and the Law Won.

And now that's just always to make sure everybody knows,

I fought the Law and the Law Won.

It's actually won as the number one, not W-O-N.

That's the pun on the title.

Okay.

I don't know if people knew that going in, but.

I don't think anyone guessed my title last week either.

What's your title?

It took a little time.

It was Johnson Being.

Yeah, that was a tough one because we didn't play dyslexia.

No, but I thought, you know, it would be a good one.

Nobody seemed to care.

Nobody cares.

Make up fucking 400 titles.

I'm just learning now.

Nobody gives a fuck.

I didn't even notice last week's episode title.

What is it?

Johnson being.

So if you do it dyslexia style,

reverse being in Johnson.

Okay.

What's the opposite of Johnson?

Oh,

I got it.

Ghost pussy.

Yep.

You may have got dyslexia, right, Troy?

Yes.

But unfortunately, you got the first question.

I thought the law and the law won wrong.

Really?

It's number two.

There is still a death penalty in Israel, but only for former Nazis.

I'm surprised that they wouldn't want to.

Me too, yeah, because Israelis are tough motherfuckers.

Fighters, man.

Wow.

Yeah.

All right, Bry.

Wow.

Looks like we're not moving to Barcelona, Brian.

You are set to take a big lead here.

Canceled the tickets.

All right, Bry.

You went to the bathroom.

Yeah, I'm all refreshed.

Yeah, I can see you're taking this seriously.

I'm inspired now that a seasoned veteran like Troy got worse.

I tripped him up.

Yeah, you did.

You did well.

Yeah, you did it good because I totally would have said number one.

Okay, ready?

Yep.

In Arizona, it is illegal to have intercourse with any livestock, but it is legal to have sex with any indigenous plants.

Okay.

Like, like vegetables in a hospital type thing.

You know, people who are, you know, like Terry Shiavo.

Like a killer bolt in there.

Yeah.

Fuck it on Terry Shavo's toes

no I believe we're not talking about

we're not we're not talking about vegetables

we're talking about

things that like grow on a vine okay all right so you can't hump livestock but you can hump like a cactus or something yeah you can have you can have some sort of sex or however you define sex with a with an indigenous plant you can't have it be oh if i import it from new mexico or something

it would be illegal It's across state lines.

It then becomes a federal official.

Have you ever, I mean,

have you ever gotten busy while using any kind of flowers or any kind of

things with petals or like petals on the bed or anything?

Like petals like on a bike?

Yeah, you know, like how guys they put the rose petals down and they're like.

Do they?

This is what guys do?

This is what men do?

Men put rose petals on beds?

You ever been inspired to do that?

No, I have put certain the pollen of certain plants into my partner's food in hopes of it ending their lives.

Lily of the Valley type situation, maybe.

I don't know.

How about you, Troy?

You ever used the rose petals as a

any kind?

How long have you been married?

Eighteen years?

Wow.

And last week he did it, he told me.

No, never did that.

Yeah, yeah, I've never done the rose petal thing either.

I I mean, we're still young, though, we s we still got time.

Are we?

What else?

I like to live vicariously through Choice.

Yeah, you'll buy the roses for us.

Just tell me how it went.

What does your wife do?

What does she do if she sees the girls are out, they're not coming back, and she comes home, she sees a rose petal.

I think she'd be blown, like, shocked.

I was like, she'd be like, why?

What is all this all over the place?

You should immediately start cleaning it up.

And you're in bed with your eyes swollen shut because of the poly from the rose.

I just wanted to make love.

Are you there?

Where are you?

All right, number two.

This one

I gave to you because it's in New York.

Okay.

I didn't want to give it to Troy, though, because I know he's probably busted somebody for this, possibly.

In New York, you need a license to hang laundry on a backyard clothesline.

Or three, in Cambodia, Cambodia, it is legal to kick your child when angry in an attempt to combat spousal abuse.

Cambodia?

Cambodia, yes.

I believe that.

If you lived in Cambodia, Sage would be dead.

I would have punted her into America.

So it's number one.

In Arizona, you can have sex with any indigenous plant.

In New York, you need a license to hang laundry on a backyard clothesline or three.

In Cambodia, it is legal to kick your child when angry in an attempt to combat spousal abuse.

Cambodia, like since it's like you just assume it's backwards, I feel like that would be the obvious answer.

But I think even those guys are like, they don't value women getting their asses kicked over children.

So to pass a law like that, they're like, hey, how do we get guys to stop eating other women?

Well, just let them kick their kids if they get too frustrated.

Isn't Cambodia where that video was from a couple years ago?

I got my 23andMe back.

Edgar was 100% Cambodian when I found out.

The smoke in Kidd?

I think that was a good thing.

I think it was Cambodia, right?

The whole factory was smoke chicken.

But don't they have Cambodia where they have a gigantic, like it's like a thriving children's sex trade?

Yeah, I think quite a few of those Southeast Asia.

So if they're not stopping people from fucking them, they're they're going to stop them from kicking them?

I don't think they're going to stop them from kicking them, but I don't think they're going to...

Let's sort of divert the kicks from the women to the kids.

If they're not getting fucked, the kids,

by some fucking rich tourist, then they can get kicked by their dads in order to curb domestic violence.

That'd be amazing, though.

Imagine like the city council meeting and someone passing that legislation, be like, listen, imagine something about domestic violence.

Instead of just telling people it's a legal period, stop, we're going to pass a law saying kick your kid instead.

Like, we're going to try to ease them into not pounding on their kids.

I think that they realize, oh, you're more, you can't kick a kid.

So they're like, well, maybe they won't do it at all then.

If you have to tell someone not to hit their spouse and it's like, look, we've got a carrot on a stick for you, bro.

You can't hit her anymore.

But that kid you have that you don't really care for that much?

Kick him with everything you fucking got.

You should run from Mary Cambodia.

You can tell people take their rage out of their cars.

Yeah.

But we got a problem.

We can't control it in America.

Like, you know, yes, you can.

Just stop NFL.

So, what's it going to be?

All right, so you're ruling out Cambodia.

I'm saying, yeah, no way Cambodia is.

So you got a 50-50 here.

Okay, so the first one was.

It is illegal to have intercourse with any livestock, but it is legal to have sex with any indigenous plant in Arizona.

In New York, you need a license to hang laundry on a backyard clothesline.

Okay, I'm going to also rule out the first one because I think,

again, the meeting where it's like, all right, because if it's a statewide law, this went to the state, and they're like,

we got a problem with people fucking livestock.

Again, sort of the Cambodia thing, how do we stop them from doing that?

Be like, oh, you can fuck

a desert kumquat or whatever the fuck, like whatever fruit grows out.

Well, it's like, you know what?

You know, it has now been decreed, you know, no more sex with livestock.

And then somebody probably was like, oh, who are we going to fuck up?

What about about

plants?

Yeah.

Plants are good.

They're like, yeah, all right.

Go ahead.

Yeah.

But are we saying that that's all written in the same statute?

That, like,

it was

a byproduct of passing the law about the livestock.

So in the law saying that you can't fuck a cow, it says, but if you must.

Yes.

If you've got to fuck something and you don't want it to be a human,

but you want it to still be alive.

Right.

Okay.

You know, you're still turned on by the fact that

you're still with something alive.

I mean, that needs nourishment and nurturing.

And you could talk to a plant.

So you could talk.

There's nobody, there's no reason you can't talk dirty to a plant.

It's true.

Yeah, who's to say?

But, okay, so in Arizona, you have, say, a mesquite tree, which would not be very comfortable, but you also have your succulents, like, you know, your cacti.

If you strip them of those thorns and shit.

Well, some people, some perbs may like the feeling.

You know, they get off on the pain.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, sickos.

I'm still going to say, though.

They're sickos as opposed to the people who would puck

the needles off and fuck it up.

Oh, hi, Brow, huh?

Fancy pets.

I am going to say, though, that middle one sounds like a law that was on the books from the early 19th century because everybody and their fucking grandmother was hanging laundry out, and they're like, what the fuck?

There's laundry everywhere.

Yeah.

So, no, no more laundry unless you have a license and maybe that was your laundromat.

Final answer number two.

Yeah, I'm going to say final answer is number two.

Laughs one, badge zero.

Uh-oh.

I'm carrying this partnership.

Wow.

Yeah, in New York, you need a license to hang laundry on a backyard clothesline.

So, if I go to Arizona, can I fuck an animal?

Just go to Walmart and pick up something green.

All right.

Number three.

And then

we only have four, so you've got to get this right.

Okay.

Or else

you lose.

You don't want to lose to me.

I lose every game.

Okay.

In Wales, a blind guide dog owner can be subject to double fines if they don't pick up after their dog.

Okay.

It is illegal in the country of Nauru for a woman to pretend to make her vagina talk.

Did you ever see that?

Remember, that guy, it's all right.

Oh, I was senior Wenson.

Have you guys ever made that?

Oh, made our girls.

With the vagina?

Yeah,

close the door.

All right.

Yeah, I'm like, lay on your side.

Now I'm going to take

a look at the girls.

I'll take this Sharpie and drill face away.

If I had to bet a million dollars, I would assume that the Senior Wenson's reference would come up in a Frank Five episode.

Only Frank Five knows who you're talking about right now.

He's the only, he might, even he might be like, ooh, no, no way.

No way?

No way.

Frank Five knows senior Wentz's.

Okay.

But

when I saw this law, that's the first thing I thought of.

I was like, the senior Wentz is the only one.

He was like, close these.

All right.

It's all right.

But that's how I

pictured.

Yeah.

Imagine we had to tell our kids today that this is what used to pass for entertainment.

They're playing video games that are photorealistic.

I walk in the room and I see my kids playing Madden, and I can't tell if it's a real game.

We grew up looking at some fucking guy, moving his thumb underneath his index finger, pretending it was a mouth, and that guy made it.

Where almost 40 years later, I could pull his name like that.

Remember one other thing he said.

Right.

He got right.

All right.

So it is illegal in the country of Nauru.

I don't even know if I'm pronouncing that right.

Probably not.

For a woman to pretend

to make her vagina talk.

Now, I also took it as to be like her partner could, though.

Okay.

You know, but she is not allowed to go down and pretend like something funny, like, you know,

she can't do it.

Or she queefs.

It's like a burp.

She's repeating something she heard on the Humor in the Badge podcast.

And number three, it is illegal to run out of gas in Youngstown, Ohio.

It is illegal to run out of gas in Youngstown, Ohio.

Yeah, so you got number one,

in Wales, a blind guy dog owner can be subject to double fines if they don't pick up their dog's mess.

Number two, it is illegal in the country of Nauru for a woman to pretend to make her vagina talk.

Or three, it is illegal to run out of gas in Youngstown, Ohio.

You want to eliminate one?

You're pronouncing the one.

No, I'm going to jump right to what I think is the right one.

I'm going to think the third one, just because

running out of gas could create a hazardous condition on the roadway.

Like, you're on the highway, you run out of gas, your car dies in the middle lane.

So maybe there's something on the books where you can't let your car run out of gas to create that condition.

Because the second one, I can't even fucking get my head around.

What?

It's all right.

It's all right.

Why?

Because I want to know.

Some countries are so

about what they'll let women do.

I know, but I want to know what happened where they had to make a law.

That it was such a great problem that they actually had to have a meeting and say, all right, we have to pass laws to stop women from doing this.

It was on the level of people hanging up laundry in their backyards in New York.

It's just some jerk-off guy who just wants to show control.

Or there was like

almost like Lenny Bruce in the 60s.

There was some female comedian.

They had to shut her up so the only way they could do it was to pass law saying she couldn't do that anymore.

I think it's more likely it was just some fucking dude who's just like, now you can't do this either.

Some prude dude, yeah.

Yeah, she ran out of fun stuff to do, and then she's like, I know what I'll do.

I'll do a little ventriloquism with my vagina.

That's all right.

He's like, what was that?

It's not all right.

It's not all right.

It'll never be all right.

Or throw her in jail for 40 years.

Proposition 20

been passed.

So you're eliminating in Wales

a blind man

can be subject to double fines if he has to clean up their minds.

If it weren't for the fact that he said double fines, because it's not like

because if a normal person does it, they pay 50 bucks, but a blind guy, they're going to double the fine when the motherfucker can't even see it.

Why are they penalizing him more for being blind?

It would be...

I want to say that.

If you said that a blind person could still be subject to the fine, I'd be like, all right, maybe they didn't carve out that segment of the population when they wrote the law about dog shit.

But to say that, because they're blind and it's a guy dog, it's a double fine.

When they were passing the ordinance, they're like, well, yo, boss, what about, like, say the guy's blind?

Blind?

Fuck, yeah, double fine.

What are we talking about?

They get away with everything.

They say you know they're blind women will be talking out of their vagina.

Anything goes.

Believe me, what's a new room?

It's out of control there.

They better do something about it.

I don't even know if the second one's a real country.

It is, right?

Yeah, it's an island.

It's an island.

Okay.

All right.

So you're going to go with

number three.

It's illegal to run out of gas in Youngstown, Ohio.

What do you think it was, Brian?

Just for shits and giggles.

I believe it would also be that.

It sounds like believable enough that some town at some point had someone run out of gas and it caused enough of an issue that they're like, you know what?

From now on, it's illegal.

All right, Troy, you are on the board.

Okay.

Yeah.

Then you want it to be.

I want it to be that.

That one's so

badly.

Brian's calling 911 on Suzanne in the room.

You know what you did?

Come back when you can

drink a glass of water

and also have your pussy talk.

Then I'll take you back.

Then we can talk.

Only tear to join it.

What do do you mean you're not coming back?

With this Mauruian studger's mouth.

God damn it.

Well, she's like, it's all right.

Brian, what happened?

Turns out it's not right.

That's the funny shit you're doing.

That's all right.

All right, Bri,

you could potentially win this with clue number

with that number three.

Yeah.

You get this right.

You are the winner.

I'm a reigning champ.

I get the belt.

You get the belt

in I Fought the Law and the Law Won.

Can I sit down for one second?

Did you write the Naruwan?

Or did somebody send you that?

Somebody sent it in,

but whatever it was, I altered it to that.

I got the inspiration from what somebody sent in.

What was the actual law?

I can't remember.

The Senior Wentz's thing is the first thing I thought.

I can't remember what it was a person, the law sent in, but it was altered a little bit to turn it into that law.

Oh, that's awesome.

Furthering the whole, like, that's what we had for entertainment, I saw recently Shields and Yarnell.

Like, do you remember the you must, well, Shields and Yarnell.

It used to come after.

Yeah, they were mimes.

So, like, mum and shants shit.

Yeah, and it's like, it would be like, yeah, it's these mimes that would be in like body stockings, and one would have like a face with a toilet paper roll on it, and just pull all the toilet paper out.

I remember that.

It was on the Burt Convey show.

Burt Convey.

And

then they graduated to their own show.

They got their own show for it.

That got canceled very, very quickly, though.

Yeah, Google Shields and Yarnell.

It's got to be on YouTube, Bryce.

Make sure you're high when you do it, otherwise.

All right, Bry.

Either you get this right or it's a tie.

Even a tie is a victory for you at this point.

It is, yeah.

If I could just not lose at something and just sort of like stay even

as even as when I came in.

The old hockey adage is

when ties used to be commonplace in the NHL, they used to players used to refer to a tie game as it's kissing your sister.

Okay,

as evidenced earlier, I'm willing to do that.

Not in Germany, yeah.

All right, Bry

in Indonesia, it is illegal to masturbate in a room where the Indonesia flag is hanging.

Okay, so you can't,

you know, you know what that, right?

You know what masturbating is?

I learned last week a word.

But you get the picture in your head, though.

It's like, it's not, I don't think it means like in a state room.

I just think it means like anywhere.

If they're like, it's at your house and you have the state flag or the country flag up there, you better go somewhere else and pleasure yourself.

Exactly.

I would anyway.

I mean, but if like my partner is a member of the Indonesian secret police and they walk in on me and they're like, they're not upset about the masturbation, but they see the flag flying.

And they're like, I've got no, I have to turn in.

I got it.

Yeah.

Okay.

The no-sagging pants law was implemented in 2008 in Michigan.

Okay.

You know what the sagging pants means?

It's what

you're rage, yeah, where you can see the undies and the boxers and the pants are down.

And you would, I would like to think that somebody, like some of the people I've seen doing it, are just doing it because they're like, it's funny, but they've literally got their belts cinched around their knees.

How do you move like that?

Like, let's say you got to do something fast.

It's impossible, right?

It doesn't look like the guys who do this are doing anything fast.

Maybe running from cops.

That's the only thing they would need to do quickly.

But it's so ridiculous that, like,

I might off my own kid.

If they insisted on doing it,

she doesn't have a sag?

Sometimes, but it's only if like she has has an accident.

And I'm like, what?

Do you think you thugged it hard?

Like, ooh, what's that smell?

All right, so that's number two.

And then, number three, in China, it is now illegal to name your child after a Star Wars character.

So, we got Indonesia, you cannot pleasure yourself if the flag is present.

In Michigan, there is a

no-saggy pants law.

And in China, you have a kid.

You can't call it anything in reference to the Star Wars universe.

Okay.

Well, it's got to be rough because so many Chinese names sound like they're from the Star Wars universe.

They really do.

And I don't know.

I'm not sure.

Is Star Wars super popular in China?

Oh, I have to imagine it is, right?

Yeah, I don't know.

What else are they going to boot like there?

I'm going to say the first one is not true because I look at videos on LiveLeak and the YNC, and I'd say a good 85% of them are Chinese children dying by getting run over by vans or falling off escalators and shit.

So I don't believe that the Chinese, the country of China, treasures their children so much that they're like, you can't name them after a Star Wars character, especially a country that's built on copyright infringement.

Right.

They're like, all right, well, we'll fucking knock off all their toys,

but we're not going to name our kids after them.

But that's the third one.

That's not number one.

No,

I'm just saying the first one I'm going to eliminate.

Okay, you're eliminating

Chinese people

can name their kids.

They're not bars in the fucking nearby canal.

They're definitely allowed to name them whatever they want.

Okay.

All right.

So then you have to choose between the no saggy pants rule in Michigan or,

you know, wanking it

in front of the

old Betsy or whatever they call it over there.

They don't call it that.

I believe that Indonesia is a Muslim country.

And

that seems like something, like they're against everything sexual.

So it stands to reason that you wouldn't be able to jerk off with a flag in the room.

But is it enough of an issue?

Like, how many people got caught doing it?

Who raised the I wouldn't be opposed to

if a congressman were to bring that up on the floor today.

In America?

In America.

I think that should be.

That is a great law.

Look,

that is a great law.

People are burning flags on the reg.

I don't think that

if you can burn a flag in America, there's no way they're turning around and saying you can't jerk off the floor.

I think they should outlaw burning and jerking off in front of a flag.

All right.

Any other things that you can't do around a flag?

I don't know.

Give me a couple minutes.

I can find more.

But right now,

we're talking about wanking.

Well, I think technically it's not supposed to be put on anything, right?

Like, you're not supposed to wear it as a shirt.

You're not supposed to wear it.

Oh, yeah, we do that, too.

Yeah.

But we're talking about

Jakarta.

Would the Internet be outraged if a congressman

said

we're passing a law, you can't masturbate in the same room as a bad person?

If they passed a law, you would find nothing on social media but

videos of themselves jerking off on a flag.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah,

it's a cum rag for sure.

Oh, absolutely.

That's terrible.

No.

I know, I know, I know.

I mean, I'm wrong.

That's to say it.

That's why several, I can't say you're wrong.

Yeah.

But I mean, all these fucking hippies would be ours

fucking,

dropping their seed on, you know,

on all glory.

On all glory.

Yeah, well, you know what?

If you are going to jerk off, I think you should do it to a four-color demons flag, which you can buy at Tones TV.

Yeah.

That's fine.

Yeah, that's okay.

What is the sexiest flag to jerk off to, do you think?

Fanny flag?

Ooh, yeah.

Price flag, Sonic.

No, he knew what that was.

Suddenly, it's all right, teams current.

Turn that tag on.

Wow.

Did I just give a tell there that I've done that or what?

I think you've given a tell that you're not really 50.

All right, let's get back to the game here because people are waiting with bated breath.

Like, if laughs is going to beat badge, this could be it.

Yes, I feel like at some point, what year was it, 2011, the Michigan law?

2008,

the no-sagging pants law was implemented in Michigan.

I think 2008 was around the time that you could still tell black people that you can't do something.

Yeah, but that's not fair.

I I see plenty of people who wear their pants this way.

That is not.

Oh, yeah, but most, I mean, but it was most, like, you're talking about, like, say, Detroit.

You're talking about like urban areas where I don't think a lot of white kids are doing that.

White kids are just as dopey.

I think there's.

I see the.

Where are you seeing this?

Where are you seeing this?

Mike and Ming is their hurly point.

Yeah.

Hey, you're not allowed to say, oh, wait, we're not in Michigan.

We're in the surf taco bathroom.

Why is this going on?

Why are you so mad at Mike and Ming?

I'm not, it's just the idiot.

It's lying for

you.

But I think it's mostly associated with urban youth.

I think it's associated with just popular culture.

Like a hip-hop culture, for sure.

I'm not saying no white people do it.

I think it's a common between, I think it crosses all racial barriers,

the note, the saggy pants.

Right.

But if you're talking hip-hop culture,

which is where, or a gel culture, because there's a couple of different reasons why they speculate.

It's the whole state of Michigan.

It's not just, you know, Michigan has got more than just urban areas.

You know, it's a beautiful state.

I know.

Yeah, I know.

It has a huge, I think it has actually, isn't Dearborn the largest Muslim population anywhere?

I don't think they're sagging, though.

Muslims.

So

Saggy Burka?

It's the name of my high school metal band, Saggy Burka.

I'm going to go ahead.

No, I'm going to go ahead and say that it is Michigan, that at some point somebody was was like, enough of these saggy pants.

They got annoyed because they were using it to shoplift shit, whatever the fuck.

And they're like, let's just do whatever.

Maybe they just did it because it's kind of.

But you some stuffy white motherfucker was like,

no more sagging.

I'll bet you that was it.

But it's also, you know, it's not just, you're just automatically assuming they're breaking the law by shoplifting.

It's just, but it's what about just...

Well, no, I'm saying that was, that's one of the theories as to how it started.

They used to shoplift.

Another theory was that it signified some sort of jailhouse thing.

Another theory was that, like, they were hand-me-downs from older siblings, so they didn't quite fit, and their pants would sag, and then it became a style.

Like, they wore it as a badge rather than

shameful.

Now it is.

A badge of what?

No, it's a badge.

You look like a fucking idiot.

Let me tell you something.

If you're listening right now and your pants are sagging, you look like a fucking moron.

No, it's a way to just take back a little.

You know, they don't have to wear their pants like the man says they have to to wear their pants.

No, you certainly don't, or a tailor, or any fucking

person who's ever worn pants in the history of fucking pants.

But you know what?

But you can't do it in Michigan because you're right.

It was in Michigan, there is a no-saggy pants law, and Brian, and Brian Laffs Johnson

has just bested

the spodgy old badge.

I didn't even get a chance to try and tie it up.

Oh, wait, no, I got one right and one wrong.

Yeah, that's it.

It's two to one.

Oh, shit.

And

because you got one wrong, yeah.

So, yeah, so you, it was two to one, you got one wrong.

So that's why I only had four.

Laughs, you just won.

I don't know.

Like, I used to think it would be awesome to be partners with Troy, but now I'm like rethinking it.

I would be like, hey,

this is the guy who did the crime.

He's like,

do you think Trump Humor?

Officer Humer.

Where did I leave my gun?

I'm trying to arrest women, antheming shit with their vaginas.

You're like, oh, they're allowed.

I'm like, they can do that.

We are not in the room.

Officer Battle.

What about that guy?

He's allowed to jerk off in front of the flag, Troy.

Would you focus on the dude with the saggy pants?

For Christ's sakes.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

You're the team life that you control.

You always wish to see the world, but I don't get it.

Never knew that you would leave.

Because I moved my feet to a different feet.

Determined to change this.

So keep me down and let me in my place.

But I'm not done yet.

I'm not applying.

I'll spit it back, blend in your fucking face.

You say that I'm crazy, well at least I'm trying.

The world isn't something I wanna see.

Because I don't want to look back at me to tell me a failure.

Funs raise your glass to all we know.

And you come out to a fucking show, then maybe you get it.

I hope you get bossed.

Don't keep me down, then put me in my place.

I'm not done yet, I'm not complying.

I'll fit in back, not in your fucking face.

You say that I'm crazy, well, at least I'm trying.

Wish there were the days ahead, but I promise Poke Rock isn't dead until we choose to kill it.

Hey, hey, hey.

So what's your deadline's hands up because this whole damn thing has just begun?

You couldn't can't stop us, can't stop us, can't stop us.

So keep me down and put me in my place.

I'm not done yet, I'm not gonna lie.

I'll spit it back, right in your fucking face.

You say that I'm crazy, well at least I'm trying.

So keep me down and put me in my place.

I'm not done yet, I'm not gonna lie.

I'll spit it back right in fuck your face.

You said crazy weather lands, I'm trying.

This has been a production of Smodco Internet Radio, sir, only at Smodcast.com.