#375: Enema Mine

Something that really intrigued me was the discovery of a new color.

Did you see that?

Did you see it?

I did not.

I'm glad though, because I can be racist against it.

If you're not used to the word come by the time you're 85, just fucking go dig yourself a grieve and jump in.

Jeff, look at this video.

Jeff, look at this video.

Jeff, look at this video.

Because he tells me, don't shake your head.

He told me.

If that motherfucker showed me one more video, I'm home.

Gay Uncle Walter.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave.

I'm here with Walt, and this would be the fourth person in the series of people who are vying for Q seat.

I understand that, like, I remember when

Jackie the Jokeman left Howard Stern, there were a bunch of comedians looking for that Jackie chair.

Eventually, went to Artie Lang.

The competition was fierce.

Fierce, yeah.

And like backbiting, too, according to Artie.

Like people,

people who he was friends with were trying to like undercut him and undermine him.

Yeah, yeah.

So far we've had

Ming.

We've had Ming, Frank,

Frank Five,

Ghost Puss,

Chris Lodondo.

And now today.

Somebody may say, unless they're paying close, close attention, may not recognize immediately the name.

Oh, you don't think?

It's not going to just be at the tip of their tongue.

Well, I mean, there's some ants who may be super, like, you're super, super, like, aware, not aware, what's where, like, like, they recognize, they're always looking and

they see everything.

Yeah, they notice all the details.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, so they may not, but I don't know.

Some other people may not.

Well, if you've ever read one of the DVD covers, then

you may recognize the name Chuck Stanton.

Ooh, it's Staton.

Staton?

I always say thanks, Walter.

He's had me believing it was Stanton for years.

How often have I said his last name?

That's true.

That's true.

I always say it's like Satan with a T.

That's the best way to remember it.

So why didn't you just.

We should have just gone with it.

I think you're right.

I think we should have just.

You should have gone like an immigrant at Ellis Island and just been like, fuck it.

Add or subtract a letter.

I don't care.

We're peer-pressured into it.

Yeah.

That's funny.

So you're going to have a lot to prove.

Ming was.

Ming was celebrated, Frank Five, even more so.

We haven't seen any reaction to Chris Ledondo's yet because it hasn't come out yet.

Right, right.

He's a little bit polarizing, Chris Ledondo.

I think he's the most polarizing of the four so far.

Definitely.

Yeah, I don't know.

Only because

he's a bit combative online.

Obviously, he likes to

choke people out.

He said it a lot.

Yeah, he did mention it.

What's your move, Chuck, have you gotten to a fight?

If I got into a fight?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I don't really fight.

The last time I got into a fight, man, the last time I got got into a fight, I just I grabbed a kid's hair and I smashed his face into a locker.

But that was when I was like 14.

You're a hair puller.

Immediately, I'm a hair puller.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I used to go on these late night walks with my old friend, and

there's coyotes where I was.

Like an old friend, like you're not friends anymore?

An old friend like he was 90?

Yeah, my elderly.

No, he was like, we're not friends anymore.

And we'd hear coyotes.

And I'd be like, oh, man, I'm like, should we go down towards the woods or should we just kind of stay towards the street?

I don't want to deal with coyotes.

And he'd be like, if one attacks us, I'll just break its neck.

Are there coyotes in Rhode Island?

Yeah.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

I didn't know that.

I thought that was like a western hemisphere part of the country.

I think it's a woodsy thing.

Coyotes.

Yeah, I know they're in California.

What the fuck?

You know what's crazy?

There was actually in my town, there was like a roving pack of wild dogs that were killing all the pets.

And so the police had to hunt them down and kill them because they were just going through the town and just taking out all the pets.

That was a while ago, but they were just wild dogs that all turned into like a pack.

Are coyotes considered wild wild dogs?

I think they're not.

I think they're a different thing.

Yeah, they're a totally different thing.

It sounds like you have more problems with the

wild dogs and the coyotes.

Well, coyotes are small.

I think they're smaller than you think.

They're way smaller than wolves.

Are they indigenous?

I don't know.

Let them go.

To Jersey?

Would we have coyotes?

I don't know.

I've seen foxes around.

Foxes, I've seen it.

I'm looking at one right now.

Chuck Staton's girlfriend.

Hello.

Just true.

Gina.

Hey, Gina.

Gina was actually one of the cameramen on the Tell Him Steve Dave Live at the Grammar C C Blu-ray.

Really?

Yeah.

Camera person.

Yeah, 20 retrospects.

You're right.

Camera person.

Those

attentive, pay attention to the small detail.

Ants would.

That's one of the projects that you worked on.

The first one, right, would be the Tell Em Steve Dave Live at the Grammar Sea.

That's right.

I know some of the ants, because I ran the commercial, the commercial contest for Elephants in the Room.

So I did talk to a ton of people that emailed me from that and talked to me about their commercials.

And a lot of people who actually asked me about it and then never submitted anything.

There were some good commercials submitted.

There were some great commercials.

Yeah, and there was actually a guy that submitted a commercial that I liked so much that I asked him to do another one.

And then he just fell off the face of the earth.

He did the Collingswood one.

Yeah, you told me that.

And I was having a dialogue back and forth with him, and then nothing.

He just fell

radio silent, never heard from him again.

Yeah.

Cosmo Not is what he went by, right?

Yeah, I don't even remember.

That was what he was credited as when he sent me the commercial.

It's in there.

The one he made is in Elephants and

his is one of the best.

Yeah, yeah.

I think it's one of the most awesome.

I don't say that.

Say the other ones are better because you know he's not listening.

I don't know what happened to that guy.

Indigenous to all of North America, Walt.

That's the thing.

Have you ever seen a coyote get him?

Yeah, not in a zoo, but

the time he was being smuggled over the border.

I've seen foxes.

I'm not sure if I've ever seen a coyote.

Okay.

Did you know that?

You're looking at a fox right now?

Yeah, I'm looking at you.

Gidden, what's your move?

Somebody goes to fight you.

I try to diffuse first.

Yeah.

How do you diffuse?

What's your go-to?

You try to keep.

He drops to his knees.

You should try to keep your distance and just try to talk him down, be a little rash.

Try to be rational with him.

And then if you have to, then you have to.

I was like, I've had enough.

You making fun of my podcast studio.

I see you've almost come to blows here.

In the basement, yeah.

Get back to work, you guys.

It's gotten heated here at times with

your penchant for being a troll.

I mean, real-life troll.

IRL.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

IRL.

You don't think so?

No.

You don't consider yourself a troll?

No.

Wow.

I got news for you.

Wow.

Why not?

You're constantly making comments to get a rise out of people.

Usually not in, usually in the most

know negative way to get you know well you say usually so it sounds like I'm just failing at what I'm uh I didn't say you were a good troll

just a troll

so so Chuck and you have your own podcast too right yeah I do a podcast in Rhode Island uh called the Chuck and Brad podcast it's available everywhere right it's available everywhere yeah it's on iTunes and Spotify and everything it's uh it's really fun we've been doing it for like nine years oh yeah nine years yeah I know what do you guys talk about um well it's I was gonna listen to it, but I was misspelling Staten thanks to Walt.

I couldn't find it.

Honestly, I've been in a band for a long time called Senior Discount, and my buddy Brad is in an improv group, in a different improv group than he was in back then.

And

we wanted to basically have a place to kind of get people to know about our shows and also talk to all the people that we knew because I knew so many other people in bands.

He knew other so many other comedians.

And so it really started as kind of like a cheap way to be like, ah, let's just plug our shows every week and talk about whatever we want.

But then the podcast started actually getting more traction than the band and the improv group.

So it's kind of switched places.

But we do, we interview a lot of people.

We just had Casey Jostan from the Impractical Jokers.

We had Jeff Tremaine on, who is the director of the Jackass Movies.

And a bunch of bands and people from New England, I'd say.

You were just applying for a security guard.

You're putting in a newspaper.

Renewing my security guard.

Renewing the license to be a security guard, which, like, if you work at the mall, you need to have.

Yes, as long as you don't work for the, as long as you don't work for for directly for the company that you're owns the venue then you have you need a security license in the state of New Jersey gotcha so like at a

like at a concert at PNC or something where they hire outside people yeah that's cool yeah what do you carry not a gun I'm assuming it's no it's you can carry if you're you know licensed to carry but most places don't want you carrying so so you're guarding something at say the the track or PNC and some guys are going to kick your ass now you've tried to diffuse them I was going to say that's his first move.

Yeah, you've tried to diffuse them.

That's not working.

We were supposed to run by a 50-15-5 method, which is you acknowledge someone at 50 feet, you start to talk to them at 15, and by 5, you know, you've engaged.

You're snocked out.

No.

To the point of that,

it's supposed to be said no one really sneaks up on you, or that, you know, you can handle a situation, that you're ready for the situation when you're at five feet away from them.

The only thing sneaking up on you, like March, right?

You know what?

That's a reference to last week.

You better listen.

Giddam reminds me of the security guard.

I think you would be the security guard most,

you know,

most likely to be like Richard Jewell.

Like, you remember.

You saved all those lives, yeah?

Remember how he was like...

But be blamed for something he did in Grant.

He was blamed at first, and then after, I believe he was suicidal.

He was too good because he was too observant.

Yeah.

Right.

It was at an Olympic.

It was at the Olympic park during the Olympics.

Yeah, he spotted a suspicious bag.

Like his life was ruined, right?

Yeah.

There was only one fatality, which was, I believe, a heart attack after the explosion, but he really saved people.

And they parodied him, I believe, on CSI.

That was long before social media, too.

So it really had to spread from, like, word of the mouth that it's like, hey, did you check out this asshole?

24 news cycle, man.

It was like...

His life may have turned out differently if it was like a decade before that.

Well, I think because he was found as a suspect, like they started making fun of him on the late-night talk shows, your Carsons, your Lenos, and that entered the public.

Could you deal with that as a security guard if you were all of a sudden became the butt of all the jokes?

I mean, he fucking deals with it here.

Why not as a security guard?

I think if I knew I was right and like, you know, I didn't set a bomb and I actually saved lives, you know, you would.

But you're the only person who believes it, though.

But yeah, you would try to

put right...

Guys, guys,

you got me all wrong.

I didn't know he died, too.

Yeah, Yeah, I thought it was suicide, but I could be wrong.

No, he died of a heart attack.

Why do you need the hero of Atlanta, they were calling by this point?

Why do you need to update these credentials when you're working in a comic box garden at this point?

Because if I don't,

it's right now it's $100 for the court for the refresher course and $77 to register with the state police.

So if I don't, and it's an eight-hour refresher course.

If I don't, it's an even bigger fee, fingerprinting, and a 24-hour course, course, which costs something like $400 or $500.

Okay, so

are you going to be moonlighting a security guard?

No, it's just, it's, you know, it's just like

an insurance policy.

It's cheaper to renew it than it is to restart it.

Okay.

And what I know, and like we found out that you didn't put me down as your supervisor.

Why is that?

I can't believe you said that out loud.

Well, the way the question was phrased, it was like, which company do I work for?

And I work for Jay and Silent Bob Stash Inc.

But you didn't put Kevin Smith down.

No, because

I put Carol down because she's the one who stamps the checks.

So I consider her the...

So the person who stamps the check is your supervisor?

No,

I would say that they were in charge of this.

It is just weird that you wouldn't want your friend to give you the reference.

Well, no, it's not a reference.

They just want to know your job history for the past five years.

Okay, let's say they asked for references, three references.

Who are the references?

Well, TV's Brian Quinn, I think, is one.

Really?

You think he's going to get back to that person?

Do you really think?

He won't get back to me when I text him about important stuff.

Do you really think if a potential

security

firm is thinking about hiring somebody named Giddam?

Is that what you put on your application?

Do you think Brian Quinn is going to find the time to return that call?

Well, I just looked at the name of the call.

All right, that's one.

All right, that's one.

And then he put Carol twice.

Who was the other two?

I probably put Troy.

Police officer.

But what he detected.

I know Troy better than anybody.

Yeah.

Do you think Troy would put his reputation on the line by recommending him, not really knowing him, though?

Is he recommending you or just saying he knows you?

Reference.

No, what I put down was it's just my work history for the past five minutes.

No, no, no, I'm saying

hypothetical.

Okay, so you're saying, like, does Troy vouch for him?

Yes.

Does Troy stand up and vouch for this guy not really knowing him?

Troy is a 20-year veteran with a pension coming.

I don't know if he's going to roll the dice.

Okay, so

you've got one slot left.

Who are you putting down in that reference?

Who's going to come to bat for you?

That's the question.

You might as well ask Chuck at this point.

I mean, like I said, if we're talking about a security job, I'd probably put one of the guys I used to work with at the track because

he's ex-corrections for 25 years.

So I'm trying to go with people in the field.

Good to know.

Except for Brian Quinn.

In what field?

Just for the name recognition of TV's Brian Quinn.

He once played a security guard on IJ for fucking three minutes.

I think that says everything.

I think that sums up your whole

persona.

It says something.

Oh, yeah.

I think the real question is: like, what is the percentage that you think you might have to use this license?

Again, it's just better to, it's like people who don't drive.

They do better every day.

By the minute.

It's like people who don't drive, but they keep their driver's license.

I mean, if you're a Philly.

You're on the hook with the initial 24 hours and the initial 400, 500 bucks.

You just want to keep it rolling, right?

Yeah.

That's what it is.

And then you have to go through the fingerprinting again, which is a pain to the butt.

Yeah, right.

So your prints are on file somewhere.

They've been on file since I worked for the bank.

So let's see.

They went for

federal fingerprints.

It seems like that's the part that you're trying to skate past, is the new fingerprint thing.

Because you already mentioned that once.

I was like, oh, why are you trying to avoid that?

Because it's a new one.

Because it's an instant burnable.

I don't want to get my fingers dirty.

No, they actually use

a computer scanner.

So they roll it and it instantly gets entered into the computer database.

Have you altered your fingerprints some way or somehow?

You could do it with a later, I think, and you love one.

He's got plenty of those.

What you can actually do is

you can cut out a section of it and have it flipped over and then re-stitched on.

Can you do that in Mexico?

And if someone had done that, they would make sure to do this, to pay this money, even if they weren't going to take the security course, so they wouldn't have to get re-fingerprinted.

But wait, if you flip it around, isn't it just smooth skin?

No, no, no, they get the film.

They rotate at 180 degrees.

So you still get the whirls, but they're now different whirls and swirls.

Does it leave an obvious scar?

That I'm not sure of, but I'm sure if you go to a qualified plastic surgeon,

an experienced plastic surgeon, not qualified,

they can probably do it with minimal scarring.

He's still saving for teeth, but getting his fucking fingerprints turned around.

I saw something interesting today about.

I wonder if this could fit under he'll earn something new well it's uh did you see Anne Frank new pages were discovered I did not yeah I guess can you give it can you just give the at least there's a may not know might not be who Anne Frank is

that somebody who was in a in a in a room that locked up yeah she she was going to World War II she was a little girl who she was blind and she wasn't blind no not Helen Keller

okay a lot of people get those two characters mixed up

characters yeah because after they found her she wasn't seeing or speaking it would be a lot easier to hide a blind mute.

She killed her mother with fluffy wax.

It would be, but no, Anne Frank was a 13-year-old girl who was hidden.

She was hiding in an attic.

This is a true story.

Yes.

Okay.

And she in Amsterdam, and eventually somebody ratted her out.

That might be the greatest cold case of all time, that somebody ratted out the family and that they were hiding in this house.

How many years was she in, and did she spend in hiding?

I don't know.

I thought it was like one year.

I'm not sure.

Yeah, I don't think it was that long.

It was at like a formative time in her life, so that's kind of what the book's about, right?

Yeah, her book was, I guess she was an aspiring writer.

And so she, like, it went from anecdotal to

one of the most famous writers of all time, right?

Yeah.

Her diary is easily the most.

Oh, they killed her.

The Nazis killed her?

Yeah, they got her.

Yeah.

They got her.

Now here's a lot of people.

Yeah, sorry.

Say some words.

For anyone who's three-fourths of the way from the diary.

Well, she couldn't have written that, right?

She could have written that.

You should have used that with a net game, like, May I Be Frank?

A quote from Anne Frank.

You might have got one right.

I know way more about Anne Frank than fucking Frank Miller.

Is there any viable excuse you would say someone had for turning in Anne Frank?

Maybe if they were going to kill their family or something, they were like, well, we know she's around here somewhere.

It wasn't like they turned in Anne Frank.

They turned in the family, I'm sure.

Was she getting the pages out

during the time?

So they were the Nazis like, we got to find Anne Frank.

Is she going to be interested in that?

No, she wasn't.

No, it wasn't like she was cropping down.

It was on her paper.

It was on her blog, yeah.

Yeah, no, it wasn't like she was like, in theattic.com.

So the Nazis weren't aware of an Anne Frank?

Well, they were just looking for anybody.

Yeah, just for people in general.

Yeah, let me see if I can find out how long she was.

How long was her diary before these new pages were found?

I don't know, two pages were, I guess.

How do they find new pages?

Because

they were in the diary, but she had taken

a brown piece of paper and covered them up, like glued it, so that no one would see it.

And the reason was that they were musings about sex education and prostitution and some dirty jokes.

Wow, really?

Yeah.

So I guess she didn't want people to see it.

Maybe because she's a kid and she was like, oh, I don't want to get in trouble if somebody reads it.

Never knowing how many people are going to eventually read her diary, but they use some sort of special technology that they recently developed that, like, they don't tear the pages off, it can see through it somehow.

So, that's how they read all the data.

So, someone, when they found the diary, so it took how many years has that been?

70?

So, it took them 70 years to be like, Well, this page feels a little bit thicker than the rest of these.

It's almost flipping three years ago.

When you try to glue

two years, two years, what?

42 to 44, she was hiding.

But when you try to glue another page to this piece of paper, it's going to be

immediately.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so is could this be a ch any chance that it's bogus?

I don't think so, because the N-Frank organization has said that it's true.

Oh, yeah.

Like the N-Frank house, yeah.

Like a

you have you have to get tickets online in order to get it.

She was hiding in her own house.

She wasn't being hidden by like Schindler.

Yeah, she's like, they'll never find me here.

No.

Schindler wasn't hiding her?

No, she was in somebody else's house.

No, Schindler fucked up.

He cut that pin, and

that was her undoing.

And this is, this is, I saw this, like one of her musings, and I saw this on Chuck's Twitter profile regarding menstruation.

A sign that she is ripe was written.

Whoa, what?

Say that again?

What?

Menstruation, when she was talking about girls, period.

There's one of the hidden pages.

A sign that she is ripe.

She wrote, I am ripe.

No.

A sign that she is ripe.

Like she's talking about sex stuff.

It's almost as if she's talking to somebody else.

Okay, yeah, right.

Well, ripe in a way that now she's eligible to become, she can become a mother.

Right.

She can be, but won't do it until she's married, she said.

That's a girl.

Not like all the girls around here.

Right, Mrs.

Chuck Steven?

Yeah.

Although,

would you just eventually do it if Chuck kept you in an attic for years until

like flowers in the attic type shit?

But are you surprised by that, though?

Because, I mean, it was the 40s, though.

I would think that would be, I mean, that's a

wonderful

theory to try try to

wait till you remain to be married.

I mean, I don't know if in this day and age it's I'm sure it's laughable.

I'm sure everybody's laughing at Anne Frank right now.

No, I think there are still some religious people

who

are like, you know,

fuck yeah.

Why wouldn't you?

Woo!

Some imaginary guy in the sky might get mad.

Fuck that shit, man.

I seem to remember like a decade ago, though, they revealed that there was some stuff that they had kept back.

I was was going to say I think that happened too where they basically kept it out of the original the thing about basically her going through puberty all that stuff and her maybe masturbating or something

about that too?

Yeah, I think so.

She call it it by the by the M-word or did she call it something a little bit like more genuine?

What's cleaner than masturbation?

What happened?

I'm flicking the beast.

I'm petting myself or something.

Petting?

Petting myself.

Petting myself.

Heavy petting.

Something a bit more

as clinical and a little bit more.

Acute euphemism.

A little bit more.

Yeah, euphemism.

Rubbing one out?

No.

No, not quite.

No, I wouldn't expect that.

I've never read it.

I remember that too.

I remember them saying that in the past couple of years that they'd kept it out.

Speaking of masturbating, that's what was my go-to for a while.

I wouldn't use Playboy.

Is this causing a lot of

the Internet to go to break itself about and Frank's new pages?

It's not Kim Kardashian's ass.

Let's not get crazy.

The Internet isn't broken.

Like if it was Kim Kardashian's lost pages of her,

would that be more meaningful in today's world than

lost pages of

it?

Wouldn't even have to be like diary type shit.

It would just have to be some stupid fucking thing she wrote down.

Like when she was 13 and somebody found it and then published it.

Oh, my God.

They would love it.

They posted it now, at least.

They would love it.

What are some of the other things that Anne wrote?

You're not going to like one of them.

Well, she was locked up, so you have to give her a pass.

She was locked up.

Give her a pass.

You can't be too harsh.

She did have a friend who is Lauren Nussbaum, right?

This is an old lady who moved from Germany to Amsterdam.

That's where she met Anne Frank and her sister, Margot.

And

now she's still alive, this lady.

Oh,

really?

Yeah, which means she's like

91.

Yeah, she's 91.

Yeah.

And she says those pages should not have been read, that Anne Frank covered them up for a reason, and we should respect that.

It's like, but she didn't respect all the other pages.

I was going to say, say, yeah, what about the rest of the whole book, though?

Although, I guess she went to a little bit more trouble to hide this.

She did, but yeah, I think it's just because she didn't want to get in trouble, not because, because she does reference other stuff in the book, like you said, like other sexual shit.

So, I think maybe this was, maybe she was just like, this isn't my best works all covered up, or I don't want somebody to see it, you know, like my dad or something.

Yeah, that is true.

She might be mad that I said the word masturbate.

Yeah.

Yeah,

it's difficult when she becomes such a public figure.

What's the thing I'm not going to like, though?

Gay Uncle Walter.

She said that she had an Uncle Walter who was gay, right?

And

wrote, all men, if they are normal, go with women.

Wow.

Women like that accost them on the street and they go together.

In Paris, they have big houses for that.

Papa has been there.

Uncle Walter is not normal.

Girls sell this.

So now she's talking about prostitution.

I was going to say,

that is some.

and

the internet's not broken.

It broke a little bit.

I mean, just a little bit.

Again, I think you have to go look at the time period when it was written, right?

I mean, history,

you have to, like,

compensate for abuse.

I mean, she was.

Oh, really?

People seem to do that all the time these days.

They love hearing, like, well, it was the time.

And especially this group of people, a group of Berkeley students, they want an apology from the Anne Frank estate.

Dig her up.

Saying, though she contributed immensely to the understanding of the horrors of the war from a young girl's perspective, it doesn't excuse the exact type of rhetoric that fueled Nazi ideology then and continues today under the Trump administration.

Oh, that brought Trump into it, too.

That's like encompassing everyone.

Look at it all.

Because they're all like he's literally Hitler.

We wouldn't have Trump if it wasn't for Anne Frank, you know.

That's crazy.

Was one of the hidden lines make America?

So should they apologize?

And

the society didn't write it.

Yeah, exactly.

They cannot apologize for what...

But the Anne Frank estate could.

They could distance themselves from the comments.

They could say, we don't believe that.

They shouldn't even.

They should be like...

Like at late night TV, we don't endorse these views, but yeah, we're just presenting it.

She tried to hide it.

You people pried it open and had to know what it was.

Now deal with it.

Well, no, that wasn't even in the hidden pages.

Oh,

that was like this.

And she also had another gay.

Her father had a gay first cousin who was a sick person.

He was saying his name was Walter.

It wasn't.

It wasn't good, was it?

He was a celebrated furniture designer.

Wow.

Come on.

That's a rare occupation.

He struggled with depression and drug addiction and committed suicide at 46.

You had to know they were, right?

Huffman Coos?

Yeah.

What?

Those guys were gay?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Yeah, I mean, everything they make were like couches to make out on, beds to fucking make out on, love seats,

huffman coos.

So, did someone go after her for perpetuating the stereotype that gay people are into interior decorating?

Yes.

Not that, no.

But the.

So you're saying distance themselves, but don't apologize.

I mean, that's the most they could possibly do.

They can't even, I mean, even if they said the sentence, we're sorry, it doesn't even make any sense logically.

They didn't say anything.

Most apologies don't these days.

Yeah, that's right.

That's true.

And we all know kids say the darndest thing.

Well, I was going to say, she's 13, yeah.

And she's saying essentially, it's more normal for my father to go visit prostitutes than it is for my uncle to be gay, right?

That's what she's saying.

Pretty much.

Yeah.

Well, she's saying he's not normal at all.

Yeah, right, right, right.

That's a...

Yeah, that's true.

And then look, she's in a situation where she's living in an attic for two plus years with how many people?

And the uncle's in the closet.

Oh, he's in the closet.

She's in the attic, okay.

Okay, so the part with the Berkeley shit isn't true.

I made that up.

But all the rest of the stuff is true.

But it is believable, right?

I believed it.

I believed it.

It's believable.

That's really funny.

Some of these, I don't know if they're talking about it.

An hour making up scenarios in our head.

Should you?

I guess so.

You're getting mad about stuff that doesn't even exist.

I'm reading some of these jokes.

Maybe there's something lost in translation, but they're.

I don't.

What jokes?

Like some of the jokes they found.

Ann Frank also wrote a joke book?

She had a security guard.

She's a collection of jokes.

Can you deliver one?

Get him a package delivery.

Deliver one.

Finally, Ann Frank related this joke.

A man and a woman had a relationship, and after a few months, the woman's belly was getting disturbingly big.

Then the man called a doctor who said, It's just air, miss, just air.

The man replied, I'm not pumping air, am I?

All right.

I'm going to get that clear.

Or is it just a bad joke?

I feel like a 13-year-old girl.

You may give a point or two for cuteness, not enough to laugh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pumping air.

Yeah.

That could have been like, that might have been like the Andrew Dice Clay of the time.

The hickory

dog.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pumping air out on my cock.

Oh!

Do you want to try this joke?

Do you want me to read it?

Yeah, you.

All right.

Hold on.

Let me get my glasses.

Your phone's.

Do you like our matching glasses?

Walt lent these to me because I lost mine on Panera Bread today.

Third joke.

I look like I'm about to weld or something.

Okay.

A man had a very ugly wife, and he did not want a relationship with her.

One evening, he came home, and he saw his friend lying lying in bed with his wife, and the man said,

He does, and I have too.

That's the joke.

Oh, man.

There's got to be something lost in Jesus.

He does?

Is this me?

Yeah, as I say,

were these like German written in German?

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, they had to have been.

Or maybe, like, she was writing the end of that joke when the Nazis busted it.

Shit, shit.

I remember going to, it was a play.

My parents used to take me to like wildly inappropriate shit when I was young.

It was usually like church-based stuff, but I remember there's a play called The Attic at the high school.

I might have been like six or seven.

Sitting through that shit, you don't know what's going on.

Yeah.

Odd, like that was the height of culture, I guess.

Take you to a fucking movie.

Why am I going to see the attic by a song?

How long could you last in the attic?

Oh, God.

Really?

Well, how long?

How mentally strong are you?

Can you last longer?

I think we know the answer to that.

Can you last longer than And then?

Well, do I have ADD or am I just me?

This is you.

Does he have Wi-Fi?

How long can I last in the attic?

You have to live as she lived.

No Wi-Fi.

I don't know if there was electricity.

Probably not.

So I'm just writing shit down all day.

Do you think she stayed in the attic the whole time?

Or is it like the Nazis come and check the houses?

You got to be quiet.

She came down during the day and then went back up.

Yeah.

Like in

Glorious Bastards, the beginning of the Quentin turned out to be a little bit of a title.

Yeah, where the Nazis come in and everyone has to be quiet.

So basically, I'm under house arrest.

Exactly.

For an

indeterminate level.

Yeah, you're always on pins and near the arrest level.

You can be away from the windows.

Yeah, they'll say you can't go near the windows and so yeah.

I feel like I'd be way more likely to try to disguise myself and maybe make it out of the country.

I just

got it.

How long can you last in the attic?

Less than a week.

Yeah.

Less than a week.

Probably, yeah.

I would get too bored.

I wouldn't be able to do it.

I wouldn't A 13-year-old girl is stronger mentally?

Definitely.

I didn't know that was the point of this.

I would have just said it up front.

Kennedy, how long could you last?

Without Wi-Fi?

A couple days.

A couple days?

Wow.

You would be there until the day you died?

I probably.

I mean...

Without getting caught, like, you know, Anna only lasted two years.

She may have lasted longer, but I guess they caught her.

Yeah.

I think she's an amateur.

I think I could beat Anne Frank's record.

Longer than two years?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, what's the first time?

What's in a game show?

Can you last longer than Anne Frank?

Yeah.

The new survivor.

She offshoot.

Just check people in, check in on them once in a while.

That's not bad.

Yeah, I mean, it wasn't really her fault that she got caught.

I think it was just another wave of Nazis.

We're like, is that an addict?

Yeah, right.

And they're like, no.

And they're like, hmm.

And then they check it, and and they're like, oh, there's a fucking little girl up here.

What, scumbags?

Why couldn't you just be like, nope, nothing up here?

It wasn't just her.

It was a family.

I thought it was a family.

I bet it was a family.

The whole family was up there?

That's what I'm thinking.

I think that all these families.

Yeah, these families hid together.

From what I recall.

So what's going to happen?

They moved into their hiding place, a three-story space entered from a landing above the...

Then there's a bunch of fucking Dutch shit I can't pronounce.

Where some of his, oh, I guess the guy's most trusted employees would be their helpers.

The door was later covered by a bookcase.

Okay, so the doors.

So I guess they didn't have to hide.

Jews were not allowed to use public transport, but I guess they're like, hey, better safe than sorry.

There were only one, two, three, four people who knew of the people in hiding.

They keep referring to them as helpers.

They weren't very fucking helpful since she got caught.

In 1942, they were joined by another family, the Pells family.

Herman, August, and 16-year-old Peter.

Uh-oh.

That spells bad bad news.

She's ripe and shit at this point.

Oh, there's some other pages hidden.

She wrote of her pleasure of having new people to talk to, but tensions quickly developed as they were forced to live in such confined conditions.

So they're like, fuck this shit.

Yeah.

I think you're dealing with six people, and they've got to be super quiet.

So probably someone fucked up at some point.

So basically, my house growing up was the attic.

Being around a bunch of people, you're like, so we have to re-ask the question.

You're stuck in an attic with me and Waltz.

Right.

And I'm telling you stories.

Oh, yeah.

I'm not lasting as long as I thought.

Afraid for those Nazis to come.

Does someone have an LED light so we can signal the Nazis to come get us?

Yeah.

Now, I know she's, well, deservedly so.

She's famous for her ordeal and everything.

But isn't it sad, though, that the people who hit her are kind of like really lost to history?

Yeah.

Because they took on an

insane

risk.

Yeah, risk.

They must have been punished, I would think.

I don't think the Nazis were killed.

They were killed once they found Anfran.

So, yeah,

the Nazis,

August 4th, 1944,

the house was stormed by a group of German uniformed police.

All three of them, I guess, all three families, the ones that were hiding them and the two that were hiding, were taken and interrogated, and then transferred to a house of detention in overcrowded prison camp, and then transported two days later to the Westerbork transit camp, through which by that time more than 100,000 Jews, mostly Dutch and German, had passed.

They were considered criminals since they would have been arrested in hiding and sent to the punishment barracks for hard labor.

Oof.

Fucking A, man.

What do you do, Giddam?

You're in Nazi Germany.

You're

blonde-haired and blue-eyed, so you're okay.

Do you go full Nazi?

Are you like, hey, hey, there's one up here?

No, I don't think I can turn somebody.

But you pop your head up and they're like, play it cool.

We just play it cool.

Do you play it cool?

Yeah.

I would try to bluff.

Your supervisor might be right behind you, double-checking your work and shit.

Get him.

Why did you notice he's Jews?

I'm sorry.

I'm not perfect, okay?

Oh, I know.

Oh, God, what a fucking weird time.

Because you don't want to rat on Jews.

You don't.

But at the same time, it's like, if

you

hold any information back, you're going to get it next.

I guess they fall back to the I was just doing my job.

Did they turn her?

You never say that here, right?

Oh, no, no.

Diary into a movie?

Yeah, right?

Yeah, I'm sure they did.

I don't know if it was like a big movie or something.

I thought it was a TV movie.

That's what I would think.

Something like they'd play it in school, like on a little bit of a.

The most famous diary in the world didn't get a theatrical release.

Does it need a reboot?

I don't know of one, yeah.

I don't know.

In my head, it's a TV movie, too.

Or maybe the maybe the whoever, the charity or whatever that runs the

society has refuses to approve

the movie.

There was one in 1959.

Oh, wait, here's a list of them.

Oh, there's a whole bunch.

Oh, there's a whole bunch.

Oh, okay.

There's.

So her life has been turned into a broken movie.

It looks like the first one was

the first one in the U.S.

was in 1959.

Wow.

Then there was one in 1967, one in 80, one in

88.

This is just the United States.

One in 95, one in 2001.

Okay, so there's been

a franchise.

Shelly Winters?

Yeah.

She played Mrs.

Von Don.

I always liked Shelly Winters swimming in the fucking Poseidon adventure when she finally fucking earned her keep.

Ooh, Ed Wynn was in it, too.

So.

That was a big news story, finding these pages?

I guess it was kind of a big deal, yeah.

Did you?

I saw something on the news, like discovery of new pages.

Something that really intrigued me was Discovery of a new color.

Did you see that?

Did you see it?

I did not.

I'm glad, though, because I can be racist against it.

I've always, I mean, it was so weird when I saw the news headline because I've always wanted to do that.

I've always said, like, I even told my wife, I was like, I would like to invent a new color that no one's ever seen.

How amazing would that be?

Because you're, how amazing would it be to see a new color you've never seen before?

I don't think you can even describe it.

No.

But I mean, you go to Home Depot and they're like, hey, four billion colors

combinations.

It's the same.

But I'm talking about something that was so like, like you saw it and you would be like, you just wouldn't recognize what it was.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That baffles me.

I just can't.

Me too.

Yeah, like, you know, you have color wheels and everything else that are like...

I want to invent something that off the wheel.

It almost feels like logically that should be able to happen.

You should be like, all right, yellow, red, blue, and then a brand new one that no one's ever seen.

It makes sense in my head that you could.

Yeah, like, but there are elements that we've not yet identified, but we know where they would sit on the periodic table, even though we've never seen them before.

See, like, here's the color, right?

The blue you're talking about, Walt?

Yeah, but to me, I was unimpressed.

Yeah,

if someone was like, hey, have you seen this color before?

I'd be like, yeah.

I will tell you, that reminds me of

it.

It reminds me of Haruka Salton.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Violet, you're violet.

Yeah.

Yeah, that does look like her dress.

And Crayola has it, huh?

But if you look at the Golden State Warriors uniforms, that's the color of them.

I was going to say, that does look like a popular sports team.

color.

Is it the same blue as this?

Yeah, it looks similar to that.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, but they made this big deal about it.

And then when you looked at the color, I was just like, well, that's not what I was thinking it was going to be.

I thought it was going to be something that my mind has never seen.

That's what I want to see before.

Like, it was going to sort of scramble your brain.

Like, you have to.

Yeah, yeah, right.

Okay, so there's their uniform.

There's their uniform.

There's that.

It's pretty fucking close.

Jesus, yeah.

So now you're talking about: is it a new color or is it just a new shade of a color?

Which is like, how the fuck could you?

Or is since it's so new, can your iPad even display that color?

It is right now.

I'm looking at it.

That might not be the way of the honest representation of a color.

Oh, so if I see it in real life,

it would really legitimately.

To be honest, yeah, when I saw it, when I saw the news story, it looked a lot lighter than that.

It looked like a baby blue to me.

Oh, yeah?

Like a pale blue.

Fucking Indian dude discovered it, of course.

Smart motherfuckers.

How do you discover a color, though?

He looked down at his shirt.

In that picture, yeah, it looks like that.

Exactly.

Like, how much money is poured into inventing a new color, though?

For Crayola?

I don't know.

It wasn't invented for Crayola, was it?

I don't know.

It was discovered by accident by this guy, Mas.

I don't know.

I'm not going to try that name either.

A professor of materials science at Oregon State, who's working with students to manufacture new materials, which could later be used in electronics.

But when he heated a bunch of shit together, pulled a mixture out of the furnace, he discovered it had turned a vibrant blue.

he could look at that and be like, oh, it's a new color.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I would just be like, it didn't work, throw it away.

Oh, it's a blue.

I guess there's like some kind of sensor they must run it up against, and it'd be like, nope, we've never seen this before.

Now, is that guy who created that color?

Is he life-changing?

He's a trillionaire now.

No.

No, I don't.

I don't think so.

No.

No?

No.

He's filming in blue.

Because I'll bet you the university or whatever owns it if he's doing it on school time.

All right.

So is the university going to make it?

Like, he might be a local celeb around campus for like

he said he sold it to Crayola already, so yeah,

he might be a big, like, big, big man on campus for a little while, but that'll fade.

That's what I'll do, and people will be.

He'll always be chasing a different color.

Oh, definitely.

Yeah.

He's going to be heating all sorts of shit up.

Yeah.

You have to wonder how often Crayola is, like, they get a phone call.

Like, I have a new color?

Yeah, I found a new color.

Uh-huh.

Sure, yeah.

25 years in between the last call.

Didn't your mom.

She had a Crayola collection, yeah.

She didn't invent shit.

She just complained about a kid kid using a Crayon.

What if that color goes extinct?

Don't use it.

Crayola is inviting children to help name the new color.

They're trying to get kids involved because do kids color anymore, really?

Little kids.

Little kids?

Yeah, little kids probably do, yeah.

Yeah, like in school, maybe.

Yeah.

Man,

that's crazy.

That blue, I mean, the name of that color should be every other blue because that's exactly what it looks like.

It's crazy because they must have a grid just like that, the one you have up, where it has like all the different slight differences in blue.

And so it's interesting to me that doesn't fit on there somewhere.

Yeah, there are a couple on this chart of blues that they have that I'm like, I don't know, it looks just like that one.

I know, yeah, exactly.

Yeah, that one looks pretty fucking similar, right?

Yeah, right, exactly.

Assuming that this is the right color, like you said.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I, again, I was intrigued when I saw the news story.

And like, for years, I've been talking about like,

I want to see, and I want to create a color that no one's ever seen before right well you lean a fucking smart Indian so you have to I wouldn't know how to the first step on how to do that heated up three elements I've never heard of before wasn't that Vanta black just recently created that that blackest black of India yeah but again at the end of the day it's just black yeah right

I want to create something like I said that your mind is like

just can't compute because you've never seen that color before.

Which is like you can't describe it in

something equal to yellow or equal to red but a completely different shade that just doesn't exist yes yeah right that's my goal before i die yeah i haven't done nothing to move toward it

this motherfucker's stealing all my thunder

yeah man that's funny uh chuck you graduated college right i graduated college yes okay what's cool i went to rhode island college for film rhode island college for film how long is that uh i mean it's supposed to be four years but i took like seven years yeah all right but you graduated i graduated yeah yeah because that professor won't sign that thing that says you can take, you know, oh, no, I can't take an extra student, it's just too tough.

Did you graduate college?

No, shut the fuck up.

148 can't get out of college.

Yeah, yeah, kicked out of college for being a drunk.

What did you get kicked out for then?

I thought it was because you were drinking too much.

No, it was bad grades.

It's too handsy with the girls?

Why do you feel that with that 148,

why do you feel you couldn't get good grades?

I'm not a very good test.

And I know it sounds like I'm not a very good test teacher.

I've heard that right.

It's hard.

Did you take any improv classes?

No.

No.

What classes did you take?

Like, what was your favorite class there?

I had a good, well, my one college, I had a good English professor.

I liked Mr.

Wasolik.

Because

that's how he introduced the class.

Well, I should sleep with him for a better grade.

That's what people do, right?

I wrote a paper.

He was a very big cigarette smoker, so I wrote an entire paper on how to choose and smoke a cigarette, and I got an A on that paper.

Why do you think, is it just stress, anxiety, or do you just like you just switch up like a

joke?

It's, yeah, I look at the test.

I'm like, I don't know how to answer this.

I'm by that.

I'm honestly, I'm not good with like.

Chris O'Donda's like, that's me.

I'm a joke artist.

I feel like I didn't, you know, I like,

I wasn't good at doing like homework and all the actual work that came with college, but I was a really good test taker.

So like my SATs were really high.

All the standardized tests, I did really well.

And then in college, my grades were like not great.

Aren't you so glad that our aspirations were really low and we weren't taking that kind of shit?

And we're like, we're not going to go to college.

So fuck it.

It's a whole

thing.

You went to one art class at a community college, got mono, and dropped out forever.

That's really me.

I got mono and I had to drop a bunch of classes.

That's funny.

It was 1989.

I was going around that year.

Yeah.

It's like one art class, and if you look from my first drawing to my last drawing, it's just like, there's like no improvement whatsoever.

It's the same.

It's just of cigarettes.

No.

We actually had

OCC.

We had Naked Models come in.

The news, really?

Males?

He was so hot.

Oh, it wasn't good.

Botticelli, the Rubin-esque.

Did you draw the male and the female form?

That's a girl.

Get him.

Stop drawing cocks.

Yeah, one could go right there, and another right there.

What do you mean you tried?

How do you try?

It just, again, what I drew looked nothing like what was in front of me.

It was a perfect rendition of the girl, except with X's in her eyes.

I'm like, you're out of here.

So

did you graduate?

Did you go to college?

I was in college now.

What's up?

I'm still in college.

You're in college now?

Yeah.

I'm looking right at you.

What do you think?

I got two lazy eyes or something?

I'm in college now.

You're in college now.

Okay.

Do you think you may graduate magna cum laude?

No.

No.

My sister just graduated summa cum laude, which is apparently better than magnum.

Maybe that's what, maybe that's what.

Yeah, summa cum laude.

That's like the highest distinction, right?

That's the best one.

She just did, did you have a party for her?

Not yet.

We will.

It's like two weeks from now.

All right.

Well,

don't go to Publix to get your cake, all right?

Because as it turns out, Publix Walt

has a system that catches naughty words and will censor them.

What's Publix?

It's not around here.

It's

like a grocery store.

Like a shop, right?

Yeah, like a shop, right?

So this lady went in to get a cake for her son who had graduated.

Is that me?

Is that Latin?

Yeah, with highest.

Oh, and she blocked the word cum.

And the word come, yeah, when they got the cake.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, it said

summa and then a dash, then laude.

Oh, man.

So there's some sort of program that catches nasty words.

That catches words.

That's funny.

Like come, yeah.

And

the lady wrote in the box, like, special notes.

They said, I guess she had gotten a cake there before.

Yeah.

And it said they censored certain words.

So she's like, hey, this is what it means, like the Latin translation and all that.

And it did a lot.

And then she went in beforehand and tried to.

I guess she did it online.

She did it online, and then when it wouldn't come through, she put it like in the another field, which also censored it as well.

That's crazy.

Is this a real story, or is this one of Royce fake stories?

No, no, no.

This is a real story.

This is a real story.

I saw it already.

It is real.

That's crazy.

Well, it's just, but it's just the product of technology, though.

Yeah, exactly.

So it's a product of fucking PC bullshit, is what it's a product of.

Why can't you write whatever you want on a cake?

That's a good question, too.

Why can't you write it?

Well, because.

To a point where it's centering words, I fucking.

Because the people working on the cake don't want to have to write something horribly offensive, though.

This cum horribly offensive.

Well, that may not be, but

somebody could come in and say something, I want this written on it.

That's just like beyond the pale.

Such as.

Well, I'm not going to say that.

Well, give me the first letter.

It could be A to Z.

It could be anything.

Any word can be

any of the nasty words.

I did have Ben and Jerry's cake, and it said, happy birthday, you big fat cunt, on it a long time ago.

When they were happy to write it,

but I talked to them personally, and it was like a nice girl that was like jokey.

Oh, so not Ben and Jerry.

She thought it was funny.

Yeah, it was not Ben or Jerry.

Yeah.

And she was nice about it.

But yeah, if you put it into like some kind of automatic thing, you might get like a woman who's 85 and doesn't want to write something like that.

Is that probably what happened?

I mean, that's probably why they put that kind of check in place.

An old lady?

If you're not used to the word come by the time you're 85, just fucking go dig yourself a grave and jump in.

Like, why is that offensive?

What if it were, I wonder if semen is

semen?

Like, if it's a proper

mastery,

I think that's just one of the numerous words that are far more incendiary that they don't want to get caught.

You're going to get it.

Well, that's what I'm wondering, too.

Do they want to avoid getting criticized for saying this Ben and Jerry's cake says

this on it, and so someone else gets offended.

I think

well, I'm not sure if you remember, but it kind of goes back to you.

I just, I can't believe it.

It kind of goes back to you.

It's a business.

You have to conduct a business in 2018, not 1975.

But it doesn't affect anyone else.

It doesn't affect any other customer.

I've told you how it affects other customers.

Because if the cake

And it says something about it.

If they're offended, to be like, get the fuck out of it.

Then people will criticize Publix.

Why did you write that case?

You should never have.

I will never shop at Publix's name.

Anything.

People are going to criticize anything.

So why fucking worry about it, then?

But take steps to

firewall yourself.

But let's pull it back to it was a case in New Jersey.

It was at a shop right where that guy tried to have his son's name put on the cake.

His name was Kunt?

No, I I believe his name was Himmler.

Himmler?

It wasn't even

Himmler?

No, they would not write the child's name on the.

Even though it wasn't Hitler, it was Himmler?

I can't remember.

Heinrich Himmler, I mean, he wasn't the greatest guy ever.

I'm surprised that

the Baker was up to date on his German

World War II stuff.

Well, I think it's like the guy, like the one guy, the daughter's name was Aryan Nation.

Oh, this is that lunatic?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Well, yeah.

Well, that's a good idea.

No, they don't want anything to do with that guy.

Right, yeah.

Let's say this crazy Nazi dude fills out his online form for publics and is like actually puts in what he wants written.

You have to have

steps in place to weed that shit out.

The kids' legal name was Adolf Hitler Campbell, and they refused to write Adolf Hitler on the cake.

Okay, so it was Hitler.

Adolf Hitler, something where it's purposely offensive and weird?

Well, I understand the mistake with Come Louder, whatever it was.

Okay, let's say it's happy birthday N-word.

No, absolutely not.

What if you're a black guy?

What if you're a black guy and you're like, I want to say happy birthday N-word to my black people?

Maybe you have to go to a.

You're going to have to fucking decorate it yourself for once.

Just go do it yourself then if you really want it.

Don't ask somebody else to do it.

So they give you the

piping piping cake.

They're going to make a graduation cake now because Publix doesn't want to write a widely accepted a word in the black guy.

Publix can give you the cake.

What you write on it is your responsibility after you do it, though.

I don't know.

Happy birthday

doesn't seem that big of a deal to me if a black guy wants that cake.

It may not be to you, but it could be to plenty of other people.

And Publix does not want to have to have to go on the record and explain why they did it.

Or why, you know, they just would rather just not deal with it.

Yeah, it's going to be one of those things where they just are like nothing that could remotely be found offensive by anybody just

to protect ourselves.

Show it immediately.

Exactly.

Exactly.

That's pretty much it.

Yeah.

I would love for one of our lovely ebony African-American listeners to take Publix to the test.

Army of Ray, I'm looking in your direction.

For what?

Tell Publix.

Yeah, for not doing it.

Again, it's a made-up scenario in your fucking head.

I'm going to write that.

Happy birthday, but you want it.

I'm a black guy, and I want that written on my cake.

A vanilla cake.

That's what I want it written on.

This is more of just

scenarios that you spend the afternoon building up in your head that don't exist.

It's a scenario.

They're like, hey, we can't get it.

They have to like come louder.

Yeah.

Not come louder.

No.

Whatever it was.

Come louder.

It's ridiculous, though.

It's absurd.

It's absurd.

It's

covering your articles.

It's absurd.

What's that?

It's covering your ass.

Sometimes you've got to leave your ass uncovered, man.

Like, you can't say that.

But don't expect anybody else to, though.

Just because you're willing to do it.

Because you're the baker willing to take a chance.

You want to leave your ass wide open.

Oh, yeah.

Well, then, but don't expect everybody else to do it, too, though.

But look, you just found your niche.

You open up a bakery.

I'll write anything.

Anything goes.

Anything goes, bakery.

That could be your whole gimmick.

And that'd be.

Your commercial is just a bunch of censored cakes with pixel relations.

Have you gone to all the other bakers?

Yeah, you could post articles like that.

Mine might not taste the best one, but I'll write anything on it.

Any slur you want.

You want it, you got it.

I'm your baker.

I just, I want to see this kind of, I look forward to seeing this kind of shit backfire on Starbucks, who's like, hey, anyone, just come and live in Starbucks now and see how it affects their bottom line when there's some piss-smelling hobo sitting next to you and like or camped out in the bathroom, which they do.

Like, it doesn't happen here because it's suburbia, but like if you're in a city, there's a reason that there's fucking combinations on those doors.

Yeah, because a homeless, and look, I don't think a homeless person should be treated with like no dignity, but it's also like if you're trying to run a business and someone is there that has not taken a bath in weeks and pisses themselves and is obviously mentally deranged.

What makes you think they're doing that, though?

They're not doing it.

They weren't doing it because

they announced it.

I just announced it.

No, no, no, no.

But how do you know that the how do you know that they're faced that there's problems now?

Are they like

how do you know?

Just announce it.

The problems are coming.

How do you know?

Guaranteed.

Why don't we wait until the problems start?

I'll bet you $5,000 right now that those problems will start inside of a month.

If not sooner.

There's a lot of problems, though, that there's too many homeless people going on.

That there's homeless people going in, and it's going to be a problem.

The only thing they're like, you can't sleep here and you can't do drugs.

Who's the problem for?

The problem is for the customers.

The customers that are paying who don't want to smell urine.

I had a fucking thing of nachos, and you put your face into a candle like it was a fucking feed bag full of chemicals and shit.

That was

rotten meat.

It wasn't fucking rotten meat.

So you're telling me that, like, if you go to Red Robin, right?

And they have the same policy where it's like, hey, you don't have to buy anything, but if you want to sit here with shit in your pants and have everyone around you smell it, that's on you, man.

Go for it.

You can't ask.

But I don't think it's going to be.

So you think Starbucks is going to have to, what, address a new problem with this then?

Oh, yeah.

I guarantee they reverse this guarantee well i think they might modify it

how long in how long in inside i would say inside no they because they don't want to say face i'll say inside of three months yeah they'll change it inside of three months they'll change it or modify it so that it's like because they're so like the the thing with the black guys that they're like that they chased out in philly or whatever yeah obviously totally wrong like what kind of assholes are you guys but to take it from there to like doesn't matter if you buy anything you can just hang out and fucking do whatever.

Like, would you want that here?

Do you think it would affect your customers?

Who aren't even fucking eating?

We have people that come in and just spend hours at a time just reading, and then, you know, and then they walk out.

It happens.

It's part of opening up a brick-and-mortar store.

You have to.

With public accommodation.

No, you don't have to fucking serve anyone.

You don't want to.

We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone for any reason.

And guess what?

In 2018, that shit ain't going to fly, though.

You will not.

You want to know where it flies?

Bryce Bakery.

You smell like pissed.

I think your bakery will open and close before Starbucks has to change their new and you know what

I'm not like that Christian douchebag who's like I'm not making a cake for gay people.

As gay as you want.

You could suck your boyfriend's cock in my bakery.

Tell me what you want to fucking write.

Yeah.

And I'll write it as your

board of health will not allow you to have file show being performed inside your bakery.

All right.

Well, I'll have a special room for you.

So the bathroom's work.

No, there's a homeless guy in there.

He's been there for three days taking like hanging out.

In a 2018 world though, a business has to adapt and

do things that

are just

that are going to satisfy who?

Everything.

That are going to mollify who.

Have a couple fucking squeaky wheels online and the fucking homeless people who are like, no way.

No way.

Really?

We could just go in there and hang out and use the bathroom and not have to buy anything

and pester people.

How did the homeless even hear about it, though?

The homeless will hear about it.

When I lived in Westwood, there were homeless people that hung around outside of Starbucks.

And

they were even chased off from there.

Like, they had the one main homeless dude, Wolf, my boy, and he would corral the more rowdy homeless people and be like, get the fuck out of here.

Yeah.

Like, that's what he was in charge of.

I mean, we had one day, I was up at the counter, and these two teenage girls standing there.

And the one was like, she was like, oh, you thirsty?

immediately jumped into a bush and took her picture yes uh she's like oh you're thirsty she says go over to starbucks by law they have to give you a glass of water if you ask for it by law i don't know if that's a law no it's not if that's a fucking law we are passing way too many laws but but this is it's it this is the kind of thing that like people talk amongst themselves about and it does spread you're entitled to a free glass of water no i don't have any fucking feelings towards starbucks giving away free cups or whatever the fuck i don't care but come on like how are you supposed to run a business, especially a small business?

If this is the kind of shit that Starbucks is doing, then what if it becomes a law?

What if you get like five homeless people hanging out in here all day and you can't say anything?

Sure.

They want to sit there.

They're just looking for a place to be at a poker table where you're trying to do something.

Have you guys heard about Starbucks?

They're like, yeah, it's crowded, man.

There's

too many people.

We're on a waiting list to live in the bathroom.

How about I give you guys a buck each to go hang out at Starbucks?

It's 2018.

A dollar?

That's just starting it.

You start giving them a dollar.

Now they're going to come back and they're going to start.

They're like, how do you get it?

They're going to haggle.

Now it's costing you $25 a day to be able to operate your business.

They watch CBM.

They know you haggle.

I think that's probably my go-to.

I'll be like, come on, fellas,

I'll buy you a mocha chata.

What's it called?

Yeah.

The mocha chata.

What's it called?

Like, we love them.

Mochaccino.

Yeah.

Frappuccino.

And

skinny, yeah, skinny.

Skinny latte, no foam.

That's what they're ordering.

Are you going over and get it for?

unfortunately, guys, you know, you can't drink or eat in here in the stash.

Oh, yes, we can.

Oh, no, you can't.

Yeah, no, no, no.

No, they changed the law.

Kevin did.

Kevin did it.

What sign doesn't mean shit to me?

No, you cannot eat and drink anything.

Oh, yes, I can.

Call the cops then.

Call the cops, bitch.

It's our world.

No.

I hope a fucking army of homeless people converge on you and you fucking

backpedal.

So I can be right.

I want to ruin your life so I can be right.

That won't ruin my life.

That's how Wall goes viral kicking a homeless guy out of the stash.

Like, nah, nah, let's just get him.

He's making him sweep the fucking sidewalk.

Yeah, I think the more concessions you give for like nonsense, the deeper you're digging your hole as a business.

But you can't, but you can't, you don't have to worry about it.

It's not your business.

You're not a star.

I'm not worried.

I'm really not worried.

Like I said, I hardly go to Starbucks and like sit there.

So it doesn't really affect me.

You let them sink or swim

on their own accord.

Let's see if it works out.

I don't really have much choice.

I got to think that this is more of like a PR thing that's not going to be really active.

Like, where it's like they can say, here's our new rules, but people that are individual employees can kind of be trained to maybe kind of bother those people or say, drouse them, address the situation.

Exactly.

Yeah, I think they did address it when they were like, we're going to shut down all of our stores and all of our employees are going to have to attend this mandatory

sensitivity training.

They did that.

I think that they were fine at that point, but then having to say,

it

you have sensitivity training at Starbucks on one hand, you have the Nazis popping into the attic on the other.

I'll take the attic every time.

Every fucking time.

I would not want to fucking sit through that.

Oh, man.

That would be worse than the fucking attic.

Did you see the Tim Hortons lady?

I did see that.

Now what, man?

What if they come in and want to use your bathroom?

It's an epidemic.

Just throwing shit all over the place like a monkey.

Defecating in public.

I didn't know.

Defecating in public.

She was mad?

Because she was mad about it?

Yeah.

It was like, she wanted to use a bathroom.

And they're like, no, you you didn't pay.

You're not a paying customer or whatever.

She's on video.

Yeah.

And it looks like she was ready to go.

It looks like she's done it before.

The way she sat down.

Yes.

The way she's fused up.

She leaned against her.

She's fused the wall.

This is a person that's done that.

That bitch had one in the chamber for sure.

Okay, question.

Someone does that in the store.

Do you ever return?

To the store?

After her or me?

No, a customer does that in the store.

Throws one at Mike or me for some reason.

That's a gross.

Do you come back in the store?

Why would I not come back in the store?

Because there's species that have it.

Well, you would have to, especially like a Tim Hortons.

Now you have to have like a hazmat team come in and completely disinfect that place.

Yeah, like that's that's big time.

Somebody shits in your store and throws it all over the place.

Yeah, but this is like, I don't know what's going on, but people are like losing their shit because it's not literally it.

I don't understand how people, like, you know, you had the guy in Jersey publicly go in the bathroom

on the track.

Now You got this lady throwing it at Tim Horton.

She was pissed, too, man.

She was really anxious.

Did you see the guy on the plane?

He's literally on his seat peeing in the

trade table thing?

No,

the pouch.

The pocket you keep on the magic.

And like the lady's filming him doing this, and she's like, I complained to the stewardess, and the stewardess refused to do anything about it.

People who do that should immediately be imprisoned and put on death row.

Yeah.

Then you won't do it.

Then you won't do it.

That's crazy, though.

Yeah, like you're working at Tim Hortons and you're like, sorry, there's a policy.

You can't use the bathroom unless somebody's throwing shit on you for fucking minimum wage, I'm sure.

Oh, my God.

What about that story we had about, you read to me about the guy who was in, he was on trial, and he went, he excused himself to use the bathroom when he came back from the bathroom.

He had spared shit on his own face.

I was like, oh, my God, because he was trying to get an insanity plate.

It was just like, wow.

There's some logic to that, I guess.

I mean, if anything is going to work in that moment.

It didn't work.

Didn't work?

It didn't work.

They saw right through it.

They didn't

deploy.

What was his crime?

He was an accused cop killer.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It reminds me of

the last minute.

Yeah.

They are not going.

Alleged cop killer smells feces on face,

feces on self in court, halting the trial.

Because they just think, like,

can't halt the trial anymore.

You just got to clean the guy up.

Is that a cause for a mistrial, though?

No, I don't think so.

No.

Like, yeah, because if he does it again, like, what's to what's to stop another mistrial?

Yeah.

Yeah, and then you're probably putting in like the Hannibal Electric thing.

Yeah, they've got to clean him up somehow, something.

You're about continuing on our

Chuck has a one-two-three.

Oh, you do?

Yeah.

All right.

Fuck this, though.

We'll do a one-two-three.

Or someone I have fucking no knowledge of.

I don't even know your last name until 45 minutes ago.

Man, I don't know.

I didn't know we were going to do the man.

You said they told me that you had one in the barrel.

I had a story.

I had a story in the barrel that was that story, but not a one, two, three necessarily.

But I mean, I can try to turn it into one.

A little improv?

I don't do any improv.

It hasn't rubbed off on you?

Osmosis?

Well, okay.

Damn.

We should do improv at the store.

I mean, you and Michael.

Yeah.

When it's slow.

It's a little improv.

Please tell me before you do it so I can come over and record it.

I want to shout out.

Yeah, here's the scenario.

You haven't stocked any of the shit I asked you to stock.

I come in

and I want to know why you haven't stocked it.

Go.

No, I want to see a scenario I didn't see just before Chuck Often.

Because that's exactly what was happening.

Oh, man.

And then Walt walks out in a huff.

And then Giddam's pleading his case to me.

He's like, what's his case?

I want to know what his case is.

Walt is kind of strong.

He didn't have shit on his face when he was doing

I did, Aaron.

What was his argument for not stocking it?

What were your, what were you, you said you had a text.

54 eBay auctions.

No, no, no, no.

On Sunday, I sent him a text.

You purged yourself.

With three instructions.

Right.

Stock the shirts, the posters, and get the eBay items that sold on Saturday ready to ship out on Monday.

That's it.

Okay.

He's got five hours to do it.

And we did a fair amount of business that day.

Were you ringing up?

Yes.

That's how it was.

What is Jeff doing then?

Jeff was.

If you're going to ring up, then you should have been like, well, we need to get this done too then.

Sunday, Jeff was on the phone with Publix Trump to get him to write Kaikon again.

Or let him ring up then.

You knew what it had to get done.

He was ringing up while I was doing other stuff.

I mean, like I said, I had to put up signs.

I had to price.

Nobody asked you to put those signs on.

Yes, Carol did.

I don't care.

I asked you to do that before she.

Did you see your signs?

I fucking ripped them down.

Okay.

That's what I thought of your signs on Monday.

Carol liked them.

Well, I don't care.

I didn't like them.

He wiped his ass with them like it was a Tim Hortons.

So how is that strong?

He got one of the signs.

How is that strong?

Which one?

Where's the other one at?

It's right over there.

Can you get to that sign yet?

Yeah.

It's not a great sign either.

It's pretty crappy.

It's pretty touting.

Let's just get some color on it.

Get some color.

Because we have a black and white laser friend.

And laminate it, too.

We don't have a laminate.

What was the strength of his argument, though, there?

You're like, well, I had a good argument.

Well, he said that in the five hours, he listed 54 eBay on it.

Oh, yeah.

I relisted and checked to make sure we still had a short.

All that is just relist.

That's just pressing.

No,

you have to go through 54 and make sure that you actually have them.

A short box of comics.

You have to go through 54 and make sure you have them all.

There's more than 54 in that box.

So he used my ignorance of of eBay to

win me to his side?

Because I didn't know you just had to press a button.

It's just pressing a button.

It's not like you need to take photos or do anything.

No,

you have to make sure you have it, and then you click add this to the list, add this to the list, and you go all the way down.

And then, yeah, you can mass list 50 at once.

Right.

And

I'll take it out, right?

He didn't tell you to get it.

But I make sure that they're going to tell me the finer points.

What else did you do?

You said you did stock a whole bunch of stuff.

Stocked a whole bunch of shirts, movies,

pins.

Like I said, I priced about over 100 stickers.

The two things you missed are the two things that people wanted.

Yeah, that's true.

People did want them earlier today.

What was the other thing you told me, though?

There was something else.

There's also, I saw security cam footage of Sunday Jeff that you may be interested in.

That was actually from the week before.

Oh, that was from the week before?

Yeah.

Just to sit in Sunday Jeff cooling out and relaxing.

Catching a few Z's while he's on the job.

He's inspecting his eyelids for leaks.

Now, you don't give Sunday Jeff any shit, right?

Well, I figure one of them is ringing up.

Let the other one stock the stuff we need.

Yeah, and you are the low man on the totem pole, the boy Friday, so you should be.

I'm Hey Boy.

All right.

Why didn't you just stock the couple extra shirts?

Like stay afterwards a little bit.

No, you don't even got five hours to do it.

Again, you think we do nothing here.

I know what you're doing because he tells me, Jeff, look at this video.

Jeff, look at this video.

Jeff, look at this video.

Because he tells me, don't shake your head.

He told me.

That motherfucker shows me one more video on his phone.

Maybe that's why he was pretending he was sleeping.

He didn't want to watch any more videos.

What kind of video?

You showed him like porn stock?

I have no clue.

No, he just, like, he can't tell him the story without showing him the video.

I don't know.

That's what he complains about.

He's like, he just can't tell me.

He relays the story.

He has to then show me at his computer or something.

See, now you don't know Sunday Jeff anything.

You can show pictures like that of him sleeping and shit.

Now that you know he's going back and ratting on you?

I don't think I showed him anything on Sunday, but whatever.

All right, Chuck.

Did that give you ample time to...

So basically, I'm super hesitant about telling this story, and I think that putting it in a one-two-three is going to make me more hesitant than actually just telling the story.

I think it's better to just tell the story, rip the band-aid.

So no one truth three.

You can't think of...

Well, this is going to be the true thing, so then you couldn't think of two lies.

Well, it's more like, you know, one-two-three is set up so that you kind of say like a simple fact up front, like a crazy thing, and then everyone gets to interrogate you.

Right.

I don't want to display this story in that way.

See, I thought I was, honestly, I was like, oh, I'll go in.

I'm like, I'll tell this story at the end of the episode because it ties in so much to the recent episode you guys did with Frank 5.

And I was like...

And if they judge me too harshly, I can leave right away.

Well,

I was more like, oh, my God, I'll talk the whole time and I'll have a personality so that to the listeners, I won't just be this person that did this thing.

And I ended up not talking that much on the episode.

So I don't want to just throw this.

Well, just so you know, I'm going to cut out everything with you and tell that story.

Put it first.

Yeah, so, you know, this is, honestly, I'm most worried about Walt judging me for this story.

Out, really, at this table?

All right, so, well, real quick, just to set this up.

So, you know, we started, you know, I started working for you guys like two years ago, filming the Gramercy thing.

Gino is actually one of the cameramen at the Grammarse

shoot.

If we were in Canada, you would be imprisoned right now and sent to re-education camp for not saying camera person.

Camera person, geez.

Justin Trudeau would fucking personally show for you that.

Yeah, yeah, right.

So I've been doing film stuff for a long time.

But when I was younger, we did different types of film for my band where we would...

Honestly, what happened was we got a big show one time and we needed to sell a lot of tickets for the show.

And we were like, how can we sell a lot of tickets?

You're like, let's make a short video.

This is going to become like an R.

Kelly story.

Is it where you're peeing on some little girl?

No, no, no.

And we,

this is honestly, I know it sounds crazy, but it's before like YouTube got popular.

This is like 2004.

So we made this video and we sold a lot of tickets.

And so every time we had a big show, we'd start making these videos.

And they were more based in the personality of the band and stuff that we would do.

And we did pranks and stuff like that.

One of the pranks we did, just for example, is for Halloween, we went into my lead guitarist room and we filled it with 300 pumpkins and stuff like that.

It was just simple prank stuff back in the day.

We kept building it and building it.

And people really liked the videos and people were really responding to them.

It really helped the band.

And

after a while, there was some pressure for us to do something,

have a screening or something for some live footage.

So we started filming bigger pranks to put into a movie, like a 90-minute, like, full movie about the band that was kind of like a documentary.

And the movie, you know, we filmed a lot of stuff for the movie.

Movie premiere went really well.

But one of the things I filmed for the movie, and that this is the thing that I was like, oh man, I really don't know if I want to tell this story, but it ties in so much to last week.

It ties in a hell of a truth, like, if you were to just detail all this up front.

Well, that's the thing.

So

last week, where was it that this shitting on the track thing happened?

It was like

somewhere in New Jersey.

It was in Middletown, New Jersey.

It was in Holmedale, yeah.

Okay.

So it was close by.

You guys were talking about it.

And it's so funny because I listened to the first third of the episode.

And I was like, oh man, I have a story that ties into this.

And I texted, well, I texted Walt about it.

And then I started listening to the end of it.

And you're like, man, like, this guy's a psychopath.

You're like, what's worse, this guy or the teacher that has sex with his students?

Like, which one should go to jail?

And I was like, oh, I'm like, I don't know if I should tell the story, but.

Suddenly, you were wishing you were a teacher who had sex with a student.

I guess so.

But what happened was we did this thing that was specifically to film for this movie

where we did a day where we had basically a scavenger hunt between the band and all, like the friends of the band.

We spit up into two teams and it was task-based.

So you had to do different different things.

Some of them were, you know,

like little stunts like that.

And

it was like a little bit crazy, a little bit chaotic.

Like one of the things you had to do was you had to

kidnap someone else from the other team and hogtie them and leave them on the corner of these two main streets.

And like someone tried to do that to someone from the other team, the other person brought pepper spray and they were pepper spraying each other.

This is all like filmed.

And it was very, very chaotic.

And

it was all in the spirit of filming, all fun.

We're young.

You know, we're like 19, 20.

I think it was 19 when we filmed this.

We all do things when we're young that we're not, that we wouldn't still do.

We grow away from them.

We do different things.

And what happened was one of the things was one of the scavenger hunt items was there's a high school called Fatima High School, where I live, around where I live.

And there was a task called Enema at Fatima.

And you had to go to Fatima High School, which was on a main road during the day.

And you had to take an enema.

And honestly, like,

so all you had to do, that was as far as it was planned, was you just had to take it.

The thought bubble above Walt's head is: I hope he's applying to be a security guard.

So, what happened was, you know, we didn't really plan past that.

It was just enema fatima, honestly, because of the rhyme of it.

And

we had it on this list.

We didn't know what the repercussions were going to be.

Honestly, you know, I don't really notice that.

So, you just had to be on the grounds, or you had to put it on the statue or something?

I think you, well, you had to actually take the enema in front of the school, in front of the main road, because it was

the main road, you know, during the day.

Why did you came up with this one?

I honestly, it was so long ago that I'm not sure.

There were three of us coming up with tasks, but this is one of the tasks we came up with.

Like something that's like some sort of like

jackass.

Yeah.

It's like it's more, like, I think that this is more like

some sort of fantasy.

Swift, like fancy.

Fetishist type stuff.

Like somebody wanted to take an enema in public and they're like,

what a plank.

It was more like you're trying to get people to do things they don't want to do.

You know what I mean?

So we're writing the list for like mostly other people.

You know, if there's 10 other people on the teams, essentially you're writing stuff that other people are going to be faced with, you know, that they can choose whether or not they do it.

So

we were doing the scavenger hunt, and two people decided to do Enema Fatima for whatever amount of points it was for this filming.

One of them was our old bassist, and one of them was, I agreed to do it.

And I and I don't have any...

So

you said, just a second before, you're like, we're trying to get things to do, people do things they don't want to do.

Right.

So why are you...

Volunteering to do this.

You know what happens?

It becomes.

Very fine.

Full disclosure, I came up with it.

Well, it's more like there's 45 things on this list, let's say.

And it's like, oh.

I'm going to do the 44 other.

I don't want to do this.

One of them.

I'm going to do 44.

It'll be 45 for somebody else.

That's a rough one.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, like, one of them was like, get a dartboard dart in your back in a a bar.

Okay, stuff like that.

You really?

Oh, see, I wouldn't rather do that.

I don't know.

That one's too much for me.

Why?

So you're out in public, and someone's filming you doing this.

Was it during the day or at night?

During the day, you had to do it during the day because it had to be so that the street was there.

And so I said I would do this one.

And like I said, it wasn't super planned out as to like what you're going to do afterwards.

It's not the animas, but we were planning on.

Well, I don't even know anything about enemas before this.

I mean, I know what they are as a concept.

I've never seen one in person.

At this time, I don't know much about it either.

All I know is that it's...

I don't even know what it does, though.

Basically.

Like, if you're constipated and it helps, like, like oil, like mineral oil-based, so it helps.

You take it through your mouth?

No.

You take it.

No.

If you took it through your mouth, it would not be a big deal to do it in public.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I thought what happens is you take it,

you drink the ex liquid.

That's eloxic.

Elixir?

Yeah, elixir, and then you immediately have to go.

Like I thought.

See, that was kind of not the part that we didn't plan.

Like, the idea wasn't that that was going to happen, that that's going to happen.

You have to take the enema which is inserted anally and it's like it's like it's like a water to yourself yeah yeah basically it's like

i'm asking chuck here you seem to be more than willing to supply the answers to this for anyone listening if you want to take an enema while you're waiting for your cake at my bakery

so so you know let's say it's eight ounces of water or saline solution or whatever it is i'm not really sure like i said i never had seen one before i just knew that you can get them at like a pharmacy or something like that and they were for constipation basically and so i was like all right right, you're going to take one.

Is it a tablet?

It's eight ounces of water.

It's a tube.

It's like a water bottle.

But it has a little tiny top to it.

Oh, boy.

This is how straight he is.

So this is something you have to actually

get inside the cavity.

Oh,

boy.

It's for people who are constipated.

Essentially, I think that's

a good one.

Or for Frank Starsters.

This is probably like, it looked like something like that.

It's exactly like that.

That's exactly what it was.

And I had never seen one before.

I just knew what it was.

You know,

I knew what the concept was.

And so I said I would do it.

Two of us said we would do it.

Me and my bassist.

My bassist did it, and he took it, and he got to drive to my friend's house, and he was fine.

And that was it.

And like I said, we didn't really plan out what was going to be.

You could put something in it, couldn't you?

Oh, like if he, like, if he squeezed it out and he tricked someone, it looks a lot like a douche, right?

Yeah, it does look like a douche.

But if you would just put like

a coconut.

Liquid cocaine.

No, it was water.

Essentially, it is water.

Essentially, that's all it is, is water.

It doesn't really.

It's not a medicine?

No, it's not a medicine.

All it does is fill you with liquid so that, like, let's say you are constipated, it mixes with liquid and it lets you, like, you know,

shit if you have to.

And so it is just water.

It's not anything.

There's no medicine aspect to it.

It's not like it affects you or anything.

And then we did it, then we went home.

So,

well, so our basis did do that.

You did just do it and go home, and he was fine.

And

so I did it.

And I was like, okay, it's not really a big deal.

You know, whatever.

It was fine.

And as soon as it happened, I knew there was no way I was getting home.

And

I will say we did this during the summer, and that's at a school.

So the school was closed.

There's not anybody at the school.

It's just like empty grounds.

Probably fucking damage control at this point.

And so I knew I wouldn't have any time to

get home.

So

I just had to shit in the parking lot.

In the parking lot.

Yeah, in the parking lot,

which was next to a track.

Yeah, there was cameras.

Yes.

It was next to a track.

Footage of this exists?

That's what I was saying.

So, well, hold on.

In the cloud.

So

there's more to this story.

So,

good.

Sure, there is, Your Honor.

Sure, there is.

So, you know, yeah, it was filmed.

It was next to a track.

It wasn't on a track.

And it wasn't, you know, it had nothing to do with the school besides the fact that its name was Fatima.

So, fine.

Go back home.

You know, we're five minutes from home.

That's fine.

We go home.

And I hear through the grapevine that

the school

found out about

the shit on the parking lot.

And they accused.

Oh, how would they not find out about it?

Yeah, they're like, is that shit?

They're like, yeah, it's like, we found out.

I figured because the school was closed, there wasn't going to be anyone there.

So that quickly was discovered.

was quick.

It was discovered.

And they blamed their soccer team, and they canceled the soccer season coming up in response because they thought it was a prank from the soccer team.

Why do I feel like an act of cowardice is about to follow?

Oh, no.

So what happened was we were still in the process of editing the movie, so the footage wasn't anywhere.

It was all like in what you'd essentially call like dailies, which is like just all the footage together.

And it was online in terms of just like on a server for me and the people who were going through it to go through and edit and direct whatever.

And one of the guys in my band had part of the clip

posted on

some sort of online thing back then.

It wasn't Facebook because it was 2004, but it was somewhere.

Friendster.

Yeah,

exactly.

Exactly.

Something like that.

And someone saw it.com.

They gave it to.

Well, I was, I was.

Give me one second.

I got a register domain.

They gave it to the school, Fatima and so they saw that it was me how many and how long

how long did they find the school find out before how many games have the soccer team missed the soccer team missed all season I don't think they missed any games because this it happened in August and and so what happened was the school the the like Fatima contacted the police and I was uh I was at my house, my parents' house at the time, because I was 19, it was a long time ago.

And two of my friends came in.

They're like, hey,

there's a policeman outside and he wants to talk to you.

So I went outside and the policeman said, hey, he's like, listen, I have to arrest you.

And I had never met him before.

But he was like, kind of like, he was rolling his eyes a little bit.

And I'm like, for what?

He goes, what do you think?

And I was like, I have no idea.

This is like three months later.

And I was like, I have no idea.

And he's like, the enema.

And I was like, oh, my God.

I'm like, are you serious?

He's like, I know.

Like, he thought it was...

And so I said, okay, listen, we're wasting this time.

I was like, yeah, exactly.

I was like, we're going to go in my house.

I'm like, because I didn't have any shoes on.

I was like,

I was like, my mom is going to flip.

So we got to do this quick.

And he's like, okay.

So me and the cop like tiptoed down to my room and I put up my shoes on and I'm going to leave.

And he's like, I have to handcuff you to bring you back outside to the car.

And I'm like, okay.

And so he handcuffed me.

And my mom comes around the corner and she sees it, starts losing her shit, obviously.

But I'm like, I'll be right back.

It's fine.

It's fine.

So wait a second.

You're sneaking out of your bedroom while handcuffed.

Where the policeman is.

Where the policeman leaving, man.

And she doesn't know anyone's in the house.

Does she think, like, oh, he's in trouble?

Or like, oh, he's in trouble?

No, like, she's a weird fetish.

It's probably more like, what is he getting arrested for?

You know, we don't know.

And so he walks me back to the car, and I get in the cop car, and he's like, he's like, man, he's like, I'm like, what happened?

And he's like, the priest thinks it's like a hate crime.

Because it was Our Lady of Fatima, so it's like a Catholic high school.

He's like, the priest thinks that this was like an act of.

Against Catholics.

Against Catholics.

And I'm like, that's crazy.

And he's like, I know it's crazy.

He's like, we talked to the priest a lot.

We tried to get him not to press charges.

But he's convinced that this was a religious thing.

And which

didn't you go to that school?

Then they know who you were?

No, I didn't go to the school.

It's just near my house.

It was a school nearby.

I went to the public school in the town, and this was a private school that was close by.

And,

you know, he was like, the police, I mean, the policeman was like, you know, we all watched it and we laughed our asses off.

And I'm like, thank you very much.

He's like, why did you do it at Fatima?

I'm like, because it sort of rhymes with Enema, I guess.

And he brought me in, and I got arrested for it.

And I had to wait.

Like, well,

I had to get put, like, you know, I had fingerprinted, put in a room.

They were like, oh, the Justice of the Peace has to come let you out.

Then five minutes later, they walked in.

They're like, nah, just go.

I said, okay.

They're like, you have to go to court on this day.

Your wife, go off.

I went to court.

The judge was like,

this is just like, like, you know, kids being kids, I guess.

She's like, you have to do 25 hours of community service and it'll be expunged from your record.

And so I went and I helped rebuild the library in my town, which was, you know, fun.

But, and it was good.

I felt like I was contributing to society.

So it's not that you're not on any kind of.

Yeah, so there's, so it's been

expunged from my record, but I wanted to say this thing about

it wasn't like in your, in the story about the guy that did it, the superintendent, like, he did it repeatedly at a rival school out of like hate or something.

Obvious, yeah.

And that's not as a prank.

Yeah, yeah, as something.

And the priest, that's what he thought.

He thought it was even worse than a rival school thing.

He thought this was like an anti-Catholic attack of some kind.

But what was he basing it on?

That's what I don't understand.

That it just happened in the parking lot?

I think it's almost like he just couldn't understand it besides that.

That's what it could mean.

Do you know what I mean?

It's a little bit alliteration?

Yeah.

I just don't understand how you can seriously tell someone like, this is on the same level as, say, when they beat Matthew Shepard to death.

Yeah, I know.

It's fucking retarded.

I think that he just couldn't understand the answer.

It's also retarded to take an enemy from the church.

I was going to say, yeah, of course, it was a dumb thing to do in the first place.

But, yeah, I did.

Did you have to explain to the judge that you're Catholic and thus you don't have anything against the church?

I mean, I have been.

Yeah, I was confirmed.

You know what I mean?

How did you know he was?

I just guess, yeah.

This guy saw his cock in the back.

I was confirmed.

I could see the cross to his shirt.

I mean, I think it was clear from the police and, you know,

everything that was surrounding it that it wasn't an anti-religious thing and that there was no evidence of that kind of thought process at all.

Even if even whatever footage they had, because they eventually said they had footage of their own from security cameras, it just seems like the idea.

Oh, my God.

No.

Anyway, I was going to tell that story just because of what happened last week, but then when I heard you guys talking about, like, what kind of psychopath would possibly, and they're like, you said to Frank Five's wife, which, like, like, would you leave him?

You said, would you rather have him have sex with an underage student or be caught doing this?

And I was like, shit.

And it was after I already told him.

Maybe I should just tell him I fucked a 15-year-old.

But, you know,

it was when I was 19, and it was in the movie.

And we went on to win a film festival for Best Comedy.

So maybe it was all worth it.

I don't know.

You got to suffer for your art.

I will say it was, you know, it was fun to become friends with a librarian and help build the shelves of the town library.

That was good.

I enjoyed that.

Yeah, I almost almost wanted to continue.

So, when you retell the story, you mentioned the helping rebuild the library, but you don't neglect it.

It wasn't all altruistic.

Exactly.

But

I feel bad because we've had a really good relationship.

I know that, Walt, I know you're a lake.

Oh, you're still here?

No, I know that you're fairly conservative about certain things.

And I was like, oh, I don't want this thing that happened 14 years ago to make Walt think that I'm a dick or something like that.

You didn't have to tell it.

It's kind of your own fault that I think you're a dick now.

I didn't know that you guys were going to have such a harsh reaction to it.

I was like, why the fuck did I text him before I listened to the rest of the episode?

What do you think it was or is like when we were younger and we were hanging out with Kev and like

never once, right?

Did it occur to you?

Oh, yeah, if all the time was like, hey, let's have a scavenger hunt.

I'd be like, first one, I really, not even knowing what, not to say anything else about it.

I was like, that's what this pussy wants that scavenger hunt.

Then he'd be like, and and then,

all right, hold on.

I didn't tell you everything else about the scavenger.

You want to earn Buffo points?

It's a Buffo hunt.

It's a scavenger hunt.

And then I'm going to film you.

I really didn't think that that.

Taking a dog.

You're fucking slower.

I don't really think that this would happen.

It sounds like the premise of one of those very special episodes.

Yeah,

I definitely would be.

Yeah, there's...

Well,

when you're 19, what year would it be?

2004, 2005?

There's a big difference between 2004 and 1989.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Didn't you guys call the police on somebody as a joke or something like that?

Like some sort of prank call where you called the police.

Oh, no, someone, you did a prank call and someone called the police and you called it as the police.

Making a prank call to a baseball card store and shitting at a church.

Shitting at a church.

There were probably lots of places that were nearby your house, but like you picked the church.

Actually, the policeman's like, you know, there's a street that lets Fatima drive.

And I'm like, ah, that was.

Now you tell me.

Yeah, right.

No, but yeah.

But also, that was like, that was right around the time the jackass was real popular.

So you were influenced by that.

Like, we didn't have a jackass for our generation, right?

Not only that.

Evil can evil.

See, but they didn't tell me it was on Fatima Street.

That's where the mosque was.

Yeah, right.

Well, if you did it to a mosque, today you'd be in big trouble.

I know.

See, not only was the jackass thing

popular, but like also those videos really...

The Fenimas were all the rage.

The videos we were doing just became a bigger part.

You know, they were almost getting more traction than the music we were doing, even.

And people were just responding to them in such a big way that we were going to make this movie.

It's like, we're going to make something bigger than what these videos are.

I know that sounds weird, but we just had to do bigger stuff.

I didn't expect it to end up the way it was.

I really did.

It was bigger than Enema.

Two enemies.

I didn't expect it to be.

But why?

Even if one person does it, you would think that'd be enough.

It's enough.

Yeah, you got enough Phil.

Somebody literally took one for the team.

He was on the other team, so it's almost like we had to match the team.

You know what I mean?

So he was, you know, but yeah, we didn't expect the shit part to be out.

We didn't think that was going to happen.

That part wasn't really part of it.

Was that the highest number of points?

There wasn't anything after that, right?

That had to be the most points.

They were in different categories.

So I think that that was five points.

And there was other stuff that was five points, too.

But they weren't nearly that none of them were skeptical in nature.

Now, get them.

You know what I mean?

You've done some.

I've asked you to do some things in the

take ones for the team, for the Tellum Steve Dave team, get married,

get in a green body stocking.

If I was like, most people would have rather have taken an enema than watch that.

So if I can't even, I was like, you know, I got this great idea.

I've got this great idea.

Okay.

It's going to be so funny.

What we're going to do is,

you're going to take this sear.

This is an enema.

Yeah, yeah.

And you're going to take it.

And I'm going to film it for for Telum Steve, Dave.

Oh, man.

So I'm gonna, I'm just gonna hold it, right?

No, no, you're gonna insert it and do everything that all the clinical, medical things that people do when they get a reel one, and then we're gonna see what happens.

Yeah, and not my reasoning, not here,

you know what?

We're just gonna do it in the behind the surf taco.

Yeah, yeah.

Probably make it smell better.

How much convincing did what I have to do to convince you to do it?

It'll be episode 400.

Get him, enemums.

Something that rhymes enema.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

Get him up.

Get him up.

No.

No, nothing I could say.

It's exit only down there.

Nothing I could say.

What if it was to top this story to prove that you could top it?

Yeah, you know this.

Standard statement.

Number one, I really don't need the enema to do that.

14 years ago, we did this thing when he was 19.

Episode 400.

I'm like, this is it.

We got to top the wedding.

This is how we do it.

You get an enema, and I film it, and then I'm like, and then I show the guys at the table, and we talk about it.

What do you think?

No.

I'll give you money.

Yeah, yeah.

Come on.

Some of you are.

Your security guard.

There's nothing I can do.

Why get you to my house?

You think I was.

Why is it that, why is it?

What is it?

Is it you're too modest or

you don't want to...

What is it?

You have too much pride?

What is it?

I have something against anything going on.

Oh, so it's just that.

It's just the.

But like, let's like, Maybe what Babbers are like, all right, all right, you're going to streak for episode 400.

Okay, I'll streak.

Oh, okay.

All right.

I just want to know what a long time.

I'm going to take it off.

All right, so how many more episodes?

What are we up to?

Like 380?

I think it's like 370.

375.

So at 25 episodes,

I'm willing to go with Phil Meng.

Where is he streaking?

Is it like a Little League game?

No, no.

Am I recreating what Brian was accused of?

So I'm going to put it in the middle of the morning.

That would be something.

What's your price for streaking for episode 400?

Do I?

It'd be pretty high because I'd be a chance of getting arrested, which would.

No, we'll clear with the police.

We'll get Troy down here.

Walk up the street.

He takes

Troy, shoots him in the back.

No, he just waves on the ground.

Yeah, where could he?

You could do it.

You know where you do it later on at night down by, what's that bar at the end of the day?

It's got you're done in pure daylight.

Oh, daylight.

So he's not running by.

Yeah, exactly.

A popular bar, whatever, where there's a bunch of people milling about outside at night,

and then he just fucking.

How fast can you run it?

Jump out of a car, go around the corner, jump into another car.

Yeah.

I could

play this car.

I've got to have two Ubers.

Two Ubers.

Well, that's going to violate some kind of agreement.

I would do it if I was allowed to wear, like, the, what is it, like, the stock the sock?

Like a body.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, just like the red ugly cocks.

Yeah.

Oh, you won't.

That's not really striking.

That's the part that's the piece everybody wants to see, though.

Yeah.

Oh, do they?

For my series, it's not.

Those that have seen it have run away.

I'm telling you, if you go, if you put a sock on, it's like that's a cop-out.

Yeah.

But I would do that for broad daylight.

I'll bring one of Sages that's too small for you.

Yeah, it's kind of a cop-out.

You got to let it

go.

It's pure 70s.

I guess my big thing is getting arrested.

You can wear a headband, like, so you don't sweat, doesn't get in your arrest.

I don't think you get arrested.

And cowboy boots.

Maybe like an LED light so they can't see my face correctly.

Yeah, you could blind them.

Or you just podcast, like episode 400.

It says me, you, Brian Q,

and you just just can do like an hour episode, but you're completely naked the whole time.

Yeah.

You pretty much done it, so I'm not sure.

Oh, my God.

And we do, we set up the cam.

Yeah.

You know,

we got Blue Juice to come out to get

a Blue Juice filled.

The contest is who can stare at me the longest and not break eye contact.

Let's see how fast Tom Mum puts that on his IP.

Oh, man.

Oh, all right.

So, is that it then?

Were you aware of this story?

Yeah.

You heard this story?

Did you judge him?

I was like one of the first stories he told me on the list.

Oh, really?

Well, she watched the movie right away when we first started dating.

Oh, that's what you showed her?

I think, yeah, I think, yeah, I did show you of all the things to show her.

That's the third date I was watching the movie.

Third date and you saw the movie?

Yeah.

And a fourth date came.

Yeah.

Surprising.

It is surprising.

That would be like, I would hide hide that shit with like uh like I would kill to keep that a secret.

Like if that's like somebody who's gonna like if you were like, Hey, hey, uh, I'm gonna show that video, I would be like, Oh, yeah, when you turn around your head, I would fucking smash you on the Facebook back.

With hiding in the back of your diary?

Is this is this the next thing Anne Frank's gonna be doing?

That that's I was so hesitant to bring it up.

I was like, Oh God, I have a good relationship with Walt.

Like, I talked I Walt, we talk all the time, constantly.

Yeah.

You know, especially with with the past nine months.

So maybe we won't be talking about that much in the fall in the future.

Is this going to supersede all the work that we've done over the past two years?

Oh, God.

But

yeah, he's done some amazing work.

I mean, if you haven't checked out Elephants in a Room, it's

it's it's Chuck's

swan song.

Finished after this.

It's definitely where he, you know, he brought

brought that project to amazing heights with his editing and his ideas that he also, like, you know, post-filming, he still was able to put his mark on it by adding and suggesting things.

And I was like, oh, that's awesome.

Yes, I love that.

Do that.

How many texts did you get?

Like, not enough enemas.

Have you ever, I mean, I can't believe you guys didn't do an enema?

Elephant.

Elephant enema.

I mean, that's a natural one.

If I had known you guys were doing this, I could have came down and could have given you guys the whole cinemas.

You do that?

But yeah, it's at tellhemstevedave.com,

the digital file of elephants in the room.

And the Blu-ray.

The Blu-ray.

I don't know if it's...

It may not be in stock when this episode drops.

Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised though.

Because it came with seven signatures and a Baron von Flanagan patch.

So that may,

those signed ones may not not be available when this drops, but if it is, if they are, then you better jump on it.

Yeah.

Incidentally, can you start giving me at least one patch that people send in?

I don't have it yet.

I have all these fucking patches, and people are like, oh, yeah, I sent this to Walt.

And I'm like, do you have one of those patches?

Which one?

The black and white one?

The Baron Don Flanagan?

No.

Nope.

You had them.

Oh, just drop.

I had them drop ship right to the.

I mean, it's more important to get them into the ants' hands.

Not to me.

No, yeah, it's not.

What a vest I need to fill up.

Oh, you got a vest, huh?

Yeah.

I'm out there making appearances in public at Tilted Kilts Everywhere.

Now, Gibb, this is your first chance to talk about Elephants in the Room.

You're in very

integral.

Integral.

Integral.

Integral.

Fuck.

Are you learning another language and forgetting English at the same rate?

What are your thoughts now after this many months later and as

the

50%

interest

in Walt Flannon's on productions.

Well, I have to say I think of it every day because the elephant is still in my backyard.

Oh, the elephant.

The elephant is still in my mirror.

So you took the elephant barrel home that you stuck your head in.

Oh, yeah.

You put something in the backyard?

Yeah.

With all the felt on it?

Yeah.

It's been weather.

It must be weather sex life.

Sexual life has never been better.

It's been slowly peeling off.

Yeah.

How do you keep it?

Just the memories.

Yeah.

This man doesn't throw anything away.

You think he's going to throw away something he spent hours on?

It was pretty big, though.

Yeah, it was huge.

It was really well done.

What about what's in the future?

What do you want to see Walt Flann and Son

Flan and Son?

Productions.

What do you want to see?

What do you want us to tackle next, the production company?

Well, definitely

another game show.

One that's worthy.

Possibly.

Whose enemy is it?

Do you want it to be challenge-based or trivia-based?

It could be a mixture of both.

I think you can have different rounds.

Like, you know, Elephants had a bunch of different rounds.

All right.

I mean, we can't go back to elephants.

Oh, no, no.

I'm not saying go back.

There's other things to stick your head into.

But you want to do maybe like features or anything?

We just want to get

stereotyped as we can only do game shows.

Oh, you think a feature-length movie is in order?

Yeah,

well flannel and sun.

Productions

I think

we can go into

maybe documentaries at first.

Like, well, are you wearing the same outfits?

Because the crocodile hunter.

Yeah, right.

I don't know.

I mean, we'll think about it, though.

But, like, we've got.

We're open to suggestions.

Like a buddy cop movie.

Oh, wow.

Why don't you shoot him?

Get him.

I told you to.

Sorry, I'm not perfect.

I know.

Tango and rash.

People are going to be clamoring for more of a scream, Baron, scream after they see it.

I tell you what, and the people I've shown the project to,

it's a little scary because I'm like, oh, fuck.

This is what I said to you.

Inevitably?

There you go.

The first thing they say is they talk about the Baron clip.

Yes.

And then they don't mention anything about the elephant.

And I'm just like, oh, fuck.

That is not a good sign.

I will say, I've shown that video to Sunday Jeff, and it's the one thing he apparently didn't complain about.

Me showing him.

See, what was he complaining about?

All the videos.

See, that's one thing that's really funny.

I came down in October and we filmed all that Scream Bear and Scream stuff in one day.

Not even a day.

It was like

eight hours or something.

No, it wasn't even.

Oh, really?

It was one mini afternoon.

Yeah, we got here late in the afternoon.

We were done by seven.

Yeah, it was pretty short.

And we filmed it all.

And as I started putting it together with the clips and everything, I said to you right then,

people are gonna be like

chomping at the bit or champing at the bit is actually chomping.

Yeah, chomping.

And they're gonna be like on you to make this into a full-length thing.

Because we've made it as like basically almost like just a trailer, just a fake trailer.

But I was like, people are gonna react.

Yeah, like I said, the people I've shown it to are just they, the very first thing they say is that Barron thing's amazing.

And then I'm like, okay, what about the elephants?

The 90-minute

elephants.

There's a 90-minute project, and you just mentioned a four-minute

minutes.

I think elephants is awesome.

I really think that people that watch it are going to say it's the best representation of the podcast brought to a visual medium.

I really think so.

Because the banter and the arguing and the stuff that went wrong and the stuff that went right was perfect.

That thing is perfect.

I think it's great for Tell him Steve Dave.

But the Baron thing, the Scream Baron Scream trailer, like, you know, it's just, it's so stylized and it's so mysterious that I do think people are going to say, we need more of this.

I'm all mate.

Well, Wolfland.

I know.

We're open to,

maybe, if there's a studio that wants to, you know, maybe

to

fund it.

Fund it.

I know Weinstein's looking for projects.

Tell him, Steve Dave.

All right, first off, I want to wish everyone a happy Cinco TSD Mayo.

Obviously, we're still in the midst of Telum Steve Dave Awareness Month, and I hope everyone's doing their part to spread the word of Tellum Steve Dave, whether it be, just wearing a shirt, ordering a skull.

I mean,

that's how you guys do it.

And

we appreciate you

spreading the gospel.

Dyslexia,

or backwards, or antonyms, whichever you, whichever float your boat.

Last week's clues.

Clue number one,

can hinder standing out hate.

And that was Can't Help Falling in Love.

Clue number two,

Brain Fix Office.

Obviously, Heartbreak Hotel.

And clue number three, Red Birthday.

Easy one.

Blue Christmas.

And it's pretty apparent that those were all Elvis Presley songs.

But a ton of you people got these right.

I mean, this one was really way too easy.

I had so many correct responses.

But the first person who responded with all the correct answers and the theme was Kevin Higgins.

And it's apparent he is not even listening to the episode.

He's going right to the end because these answers came in so quick that

he couldn't have possibly listened to the episode, which is well within the rules.

We're playing dyslexia, which means you go to the end before you listen.

He's a unilateral thinker.

I applaud that.

All right, so this week, well, Kevin Higgins, he won an 8x10 glossy of the Baron autographed.

But this week, we're giving away something even more special.

A very limited edition baseball tee, like with the quarter sleeve shirts with the Baron logo on them.

First person who gets these clues right with the theme is going to get a baseball jersey type shirt.

Beautifully designed by a great artist named Tommy Lincoln.

All right, clue number one.

Eve

of destruction.

Eve of destruction.

Clue number two.

Hummer's father.

Clue number three.

The first breakfast.

Okay, now if you get

those three answers correct along with the theme

and you email kmuse2 at gmail.com

along with your address and the size of your shirt,

you may win a free baseball jersey type t-shirt

with the Baron Baron logo.

You can check out

the Baron has his own Twitter.

I don't even know what it's called right now, but

some of you people

have found it.

But I'll have Brian retweet it, and you can see a picture of the shirt.

And it's a beauty.

So again,

happy TSD Cinco de Mayo.

Actually, whoa, that was dyslexic, wasn't it?

All right.

Night good.

This has been a production of Smodco Internet Radio.

Sir, only at Smodcast.com.