#363: Kweeping up with the Kwinns

Sometimes there's a truck with the fountains, sometimes there's a stripper.

That's life in a nutshell.

One asshole threw a ball, another asshole caught the ball.

Yeah, everyone's like, oh my god, it's history.

It happens in fucking playgrounds every day.

Fuck it, fuck it, quick, horrible, get me!

Suck it, deck!

Everyone's game by me!

Everyone's game by me!

Tell them, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em, Steve, Dave.

Walt, I need some man advice.

You're the manliest man I know.

I've come to the right place.

But it is,

I know what you're thinking.

It's about sex, which it is not.

Okay, good.

I wouldn't want to give you advice there anyway.

No?

No.

Why not?

That is a private matter between a man and his woman.

You should not be bringing in your bros into that.

Well, advice.

I mean, he's not bragging.

He needs advice.

Well, even advice, I don't think.

I just think it's too private an area for

me to

step into your bedroom and start critiquing what you're doing in there.

It's not what I'm doing.

I've done it before.

Not in the bedroom.

Not in the bedroom.

That is bull.

I've never, I've never.

Only the times

when you're talking about something that was like

grotesque and shit.

And you're advising me against it.

No,

I was invited to, I don't know what else to call it aside from a football party.

Oh, really?

A Super Bowl party?

No, not even a Super Bowl party.

A game in which people are getting together and watching it.

Okay.

And I wasn't sure what it was called.

What's up?

When was it?

Did it happen already, or is it something that's happening in the future?

It would have happened.

Has South Volcano not gotten sick?

I see.

And I told someone, I said, yeah, I got invited to a football party, and they didn't seem to know what it was.

Come on.

I said, what do you call it?

What do you call it?

Like when you get together.

You want to come over and watch the game?

Yeah.

That's all it is.

There was like three games on Sunday or something.

He was two.

Two?

He was just having like...

This is why I'm not asking him.

I'm an in-and-out all day sort of thing.

And whose party was it?

Sal.

Sal's.

Oh, yeah.

So then Sal got sick.

Very sick.

Oh, he's a Steelers fan.

Big sound.

So maybe that's what got him sick.

Why are they not doing well?

No, they they got knocked out.

Embarrassingly got knocked out.

Could have been that

flu.

Have you seen him since he had the flu?

Maybe he doesn't have it.

He's just.

I talk to Sal every day.

He's beside him.

So he doesn't mention that.

They were too cocksure.

The Steelers.

Yeah, they were talking a little out of a little disrespect in their opponent, and they got a little come up and trash.

Trash talking.

Yeah, trash talking.

I think you should always trash talk because if you win, great.

And if you lose, at least you got the trash talk.

I think you do your trash talking after the game.

But that's

seemingly not.

That's the safe way.

Yeah, but you win either way if you trash talk before the game.

Yeah, but if you lose, though, then you're putting it in the middle.

Yeah, but if you lose, you're a fucking loser anyway.

But your feet are held to the fire.

I mean, you're like, why'd you lose?

Maybe it was because you were so

busy talking trash and you couldn't put up what you were talking about.

But then the guy who follows the Wolf Lining away starts trash talking when you lose anyway, the winner, and then you're getting it anyway.

That's what I'm saying.

Just go for it.

Anyone who else is a Big Steelers fan?

I wasn't at a party with him, but I was commiserating with him, trying to give him a little bit of

emotional support and mental support.

Was Father Lance Father Lance?

Big Steelers.

Oh, he's from

the Pittsburgh area, and

he was distraught.

One of the few times, maybe ever, that I would be in position to help

a holy man,

the common man, helping

give some.

He's like, I don't believe in God anymore.

Giving it all up.

Consoling

a guy who was very upset.

Do you feel like it worked?

I feel like it started to irritate him a little bit at the end.

I could tell my email, because

he would be like, one more thing.

He would be like, because I was telling him that Tom Brady was the best, and it didn't matter because the Steelers were probably going to lose even if they played Tom Brady, so don't worry about it.

That's your version of consoling him.

An An hour later, with more caveat to his other things, that he was like,

I practiced it like, and one more thing he wrote, and I knew

that one more thing I knew was like, uh-oh,

he's really, he's a little upset right now.

My trash talking has father allowance to get upset.

Yeah, so, okay, so you don't call it a football party.

Well, I'm glad you would be there, Q, because

you don't know much about football either.

No.

So then we could team up and pretend that we care about a team that everyone.

Who else was invited to?

I would look around this room and see who everybody was voting for and then go for the other person.

You don't vote at a football game first off.

We don't vote.

No, it's a root.

It's a ballot box.

It's more rooting.

Not voting.

We were going to press the flesh queue.

Yeah.

I was going to openly campaign.

All right.

Oh, my God.

What was Obama's thing?

Hope and

change?

Yeah.

That's the platform Q and I are going to campaign on.

You know, you and I would have just been like sitting in a corner bullshit like five times.

But speaking of football, you have to move.

Brett Favre?

Is that how you're supposed to?

Yeah, I remember Brett Favre.

Yeah, you remember Brett Favre?

Former Green Bay Packer, Minnesota Viking, New York Jet?

I do remember all that.

Yeah, he's a legend, a Hall of Famer, sure ballot Hall of Famer, in my opinion, if he already hasn't been voted in.

This may change your opinion on it.

Oh, is it the dick pics?

Yeah, that's what I wanted your advice on.

What do you think of the angle of this dick pics?

Yeah, check this shit up.

And this is my friend Alec.

He stole Alec from you.

He plays Shine Game Q at Tropicano Field on January 20th.

Come out as we watch some of the nation's most talented athletes compete from conferences all over the country, right here at Tropicano Field.

And it benefits a great cause.

Shriner's Hospitals for Children.

A place where kids like me get the care we need, regardless of our family's ability to pay.

This game held Shriner's Hospitals for Children.

Okay,

Alec got a little old on me.

He's uh

he doesn't look like a child.

Alex like Ronda Town to the change.

Yeah, range.

Who you are and what you're gonna be.

Shut it down.

He doesn't look like

the imp.

Went and got cubes on it, Alex.

Or Alec, or whatever the fuck his name is.

I am, yeah.

He's gotten

the age in his face.

He doesn't look

quite as elephant.

Human?

Is that what you're saying?

No, he had that super cute, like, you know, like baby.

He would almost look like a, he almost looked like a 10-year-old baby.

Like a pillow baby.

Yeah, but now he's starting to look like.

But he's like, fuck you, motherfucker.

He's gonna get up in your face.

Like, you're gonna buy this blanket.

I actually was, I was, I actually got a few emails for some aunt to give me the little 411 on Alec and his.

He's a fraud.

No, not a fraud, but

apparently he's not in need of saving by me.

He's got quite the life.

He's living.

He's jet-setting across the country, calling games for TNT, NBA games.

He's like a Hall of Fame or something.

Yeah, he's talking to LeBron James.

I kind of get the feeling if word got to him, like, hey, there's a guy on a third-rate comic book show that wants to adopt you.

First off, he has parents.

That's also

parents.

So he's a no, he's a not, he's in, he probably would not be interested in me rescuing him, quote unquote, from his life of

basically the Shriners are putting him to work.

Like,

I mean, they got him on the stroll, man.

He's everywhere doing everything.

But he has to love it, right?

Oh, yeah, I think.

Well, I mean, wait, so he's calling football games?

Basketball games.

Basketball games?

He wants to be a sportscaster.

I mean, this kid is

close to a sexual harassment fucking controversy coming down.

I should have asked him for men advice instead of Walt.

He probably would have told me about sex, too.

You haven't asked your advice yet.

Did you?

Yeah, what was it?

No, no, no.

The advice was actually it was more of a like, what do you call it?

What do do you call it?

It's like a.

You said it's a party.

It's not a football party.

It's not a party, but is it a

football party party party party party?

I guess it would be the AFC divisional

playoff party.

That's technically what it would be called.

AFC divisional party.

You could say playoff party, right?

Yeah, but I would just shorten that to playoff party, and if it was a party, how many people were invited?

I don't know.

How many people do you think were invited?

I know of at least six.

Okay, that's a party.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's not a get-together.

That's not like come over and go.

It's not a gathering.

Because I've had a sororal party at my house with with you and

you're gonna say party?

You're gonna use that word?

No, no, no, wait a minute.

You're right, and technically, I don't believe that was a party.

You came over and watched the 2002 Super Bowl.

Generally, you don't have to take a vow of silence before a party, especially a Super Bowl party.

Raiders, Buccaneers, Sunday, Jeff, and Brian,

these guys, you know what?

I gotta,

you were very respectful,

and very, you, you know, you would get, that's why you got the invite back for the Christmas party because you guys basically took an oath of silence like monks later.

Like monks, you guys.

Monks are chatty compared to

Leica, whose birthday is tomorrow.

She's going to be 15, but at that time, she was only...

Oh, no, wait a minute.

2002, is it?

I don't know what year it was.

But anyway, she was a baby.

She was sleeping.

And my wife was like,

if your friends are over, if they wake the baby.

Who approved this football party?

It's your ass.

So I was like, so I told him, you know, if you're...

Plus, you you don't even care.

So how loud could you possibly get?

And Jeff doesn't care about any of the teams that were playing in that game.

Right.

Well, I mean, I may have spoken in normal volume rather than hushed tones the entire time.

So you're saying that the party that you potentially may have gone to would have been better than that party?

Or that get-together?

Would have been louder.

That much louder.

Does volume speak for fun?

Is that how you measure fun these days?

How loud it is?

No, not necessarily, but if it is a party where generally people,

especially a Super Bowl party,

I think in general, people are like, well, was it a fun party?

And it's like, yeah, everybody was like cheering and like

how quiet it is.

That's true.

Yeah, conversely.

Let's see who could be the quietest.

Yeah, that was just it.

I wasn't sure exactly what you're supposed to call it.

Well, why did you have to worry about what it was called?

I wasn't worried, but after when Sal texted me and he's like, Yeah, I'm just too sick.

I can't do this.

I said, Oh, there goes the football party.

I was like, I'm going to come to your house.

Maybe that's

yeah.

I'm like, oh, were you going to just drive five minutes through like Staten Island to get to Sal's?

Why don't you try on a 50-to-hour minute drive?

Sal, Ford me, you're guest listening.

This party's going to go on without you.

It was quite the

It was a great weekend for football, some historic moment.

Well, maybe one.

Some thrilling moments.

Maybe one historic moment.

What would the historic moment be?

Just the end of a game of Minnesota and the Saints.

It was a pretty big play at the end.

That'll probably go down.

And

one asshole threw a ball, another asshole caught the ball.

Yeah, everyone's like, oh, my God, it's history.

It happens in fucking playgrounds every day.

People love it.

Oh, vote.

Go out and vote.

Rock the vote.

I'm sorry, Walter.

Vote or die, Q.

I don't mean that.

I don't mean that.

I know it brings a lot of people enjoyment.

I'm not in a good mood.

But everybody can't be enjoying it.

Normally, not the football players' wives or girlfriends.

It brings them a lot of bruises.

But I also understand that not everybody's into sports, and I don't judge anybody because they don't

like or dislike anything, especially sports.

So let's get that out of the way first off.

All right.

Do you like

the idea of our Arvario and Brian Quinn changing the spelling of his name?

Hmm.

Are you talking about the first or last name?

Last name.

He wants to spell it K-W-I-N-N.

Oh,

I know.

I was going to say, but you would change your last name.

That'd be, how would your father feel about you if you change?

I mean, it'd be a little late in the game to change your name now.

You would have had a stage name before

Impractical Jokers, jokers i would think yeah you would think so uh well i'm not credited as anything besides q so i guess i technically do have you was there any thought of that by any of the um tenderloins that you guys would change your name before stage names no i wouldn't even fucking think about what we're gonna i don't know if i would have put the opening credits q if i'd known that it would have gone on this long

but if i did i'd put a map behind it i well you know what it was it was johnson and you guys started it and the guys in the firehouse did it and it used to be only people who knew me called me Q, and now that's all anybody calls me.

So I don't know.

What would you prefer to be called?

I would rattle it.

I think Q sounds so much more

intimate.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I thought it was a real term.

Like,

I don't know.

I would love for my for some, I would love to have Q as my nickname.

I don't know if I wouldn't have ended up on it, but I would have just followed by U-E-R-R.

U-E-E-R.

You misspelled queer.

You're so fucking popped up.

His eyes lit up.

He's like a fucking tiger.

I'm going to get it out.

Gonna get it out.

Fuck it.

Fuck it.

Queer.

Horrible.

Get it.

Fuck it, Dick.

Everyone's gay with me.

Everyone's came on me.

Oh, my God.

Damn,

I'm 50 years old.

You still have these.

Shirley Edgar was doing these same type of things at

the

shame.

Yeah, I probably would have, I might have ended up on it anyway, but I didn't put any thought to it at all.

And you're saying, are you saying that I didn't refer to you as Q before the TV show?

No, you did.

That's what I'm saying.

Like, my friends did.

Oh, okay.

High school too?

Q?

Yeah, here and there, yeah.

Yeah, it really started.

It seems like such a

friendly and just like

it's so, it's so you now.

I can't even imagine calling you Brian.

I don't think it takes away from

close friends, though.

Huh?

I said it takes away from

close friends calling you.

Oh, because now everybody does.

Now he's everybody.

Every Joe Blow, every John Q citizen is calling Q.

I would like to call him B.M.

Quinn.

But I know why you brought this up, though.

I know why you said.

Why, yeah.

Why am I getting sandbagged?

Well, it seems

that

I'm going to be watching with.

I think I watch this show.

It's a prank show.

It's called Impractical Jokers.

And it's like these four

and like best friends from.

The premise of the show is they basically have to

clean each other.

So anyway, one of the punishments was

that this guy

gets up to a mime for 24 hours.

Creeping up with a coincidence.

I mean, you get mentioned on the.

They didn't mention us by name.

They were like these guys.

I mean, but my God, I mean, that is the

public conscious spell with a Q.

They took one of our ideas and did it.

They hired the same guy.

That was my thing.

Yeah.

As I'm watching this, I'm like, oh, God.

First off,

most of the times,

Kardashians take shit and they don't even give anybody credit for doing it.

Let me be clear.

They reached out to us and asked us if they could.

Really?

And you gave approval?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

And was there a big powwow about this?

Did you get all four of you guys get together to be like and weigh the ramifications?

No,

we figured out.

Just so you know, if they want to do something that we've done on Telmesieve Dave, there's going to be a powwow.

Yeah, they won't.

Don't worry about that.

Yeah.

They want to do Are You Worse Than Hitler?

Are you worse than Jared Fogel?

That guy who plays the mime, Pierre, is

such a good guy.

He's so nice and so professional and so good at what he does

that

I was super happy for him.

Oh, to get the exposure and get another gig?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How many, yeah, because how many gigs does a mind get on TV?

I don't know.

We have some nowadays

on TV.

You're going to

qualify on TV or in general?

No, I'm going to say on TV.

I'm sure the guy can probably book a lot of gigs

at county fairs.

Is that big in county fairs?

I've never, yeah, that and the judging of the blue ribbon hot.

I mean, I'm positive I can get him on the show if you want to ask me.

Well, how can he talk?

He's a mind.

No, but you know, coming out of makeup.

Is that really worth it?

I mean, we just want to see him in makeup.

I did talk to him.

He's a pretty, he's a nice guy.

He's a really, really nice guy.

Fucking mother, he did not talk for 24 hours.

He, he, he, he buckled down and did what he had to do.

He never once broke character.

He never once broke, uh, he never appeared tired or, or.

He's got makeup on, right?

Yeah, but like, he was just at all times, he was on for 24 hours straight.

Like he's a that guy's a fucking pro, man.

So when they were saying, like, oh, we should do that to mom, they already knew they were going to do it to mom.

They really

did is they

do think in this instance they did that and then they were like, we got to get in touch with these guys to see if we can do it.

Oh, right.

Yeah, that's what I think.

If they had just done it,

would you have called them out?

Yeah.

Sued maybe.

No.

How could you?

They don't own the, like, the, they don't own pranking.

But she, no, they don't.

But she flat out said, I saw this show

taking their idea to put on our show.

No, that wouldn't bother me.

That's, that's fine.

I would maybe, if Pierre didn't reach out and ask us, I might be a little bit, not annoyed, but like, oh, that's that's notable that he wouldn't.

So Pierre is like,

this could propel me.

This could reinvigorate the mime business yeah when were mimes big like

the 30s or the 20s

probably before yeah probably

during wartime that's how you know people would uh forget about their miseries and their trades

we got no electric can't watch tv or listen to the radio go down to the cafe and watch a mime uh pierre here tonight I'm in the mood for some fucking laughs and good times that only a mime can provide.

I also didn't believe Chloe Kardashian saying she doesn't watch TV.

She's like, you know, I really don't watch TV.

Bullshit.

I believe her.

Do you?

You know how busy she is?

She's got no time for TV.

She's watching Impractical Jokers.

So that must mean a lot to her.

That's must see.

I mean,

that kind of endorsement,

does that

translate into anything, you think?

Or do you worry that there's a backlash?

Because these people go like, oh, I hate the Kardashians.

I don't think there's a backlash because we're not.

I stopped watching because of that.

No, I mean, they have a massive audience, so I'm

I don't know what the translation right now is.

Because I was asking Giddem when the last week when the Trump and the shitholes controversy was going down, and I said to Giddam, Well, how messed up would it be if Trump came out?

I was like, I was listening to this podcast and he endorsed Tell him Steve Dave.

I thought it could be you better start saying a lot more alt-right shit.

I thought that it could be very, very damaging to tell him Steve Dave to have him endorse Tell him Steve Dave.

I was literally,

I've been

pretty depressed this week.

Like, I've been having a hard time this week.

And this Trump thing has really gotten onto my skin.

Like, finally, it's affected me, Walt.

The shithole thing?

Well, not the shithole thing, but I feel like, dude, I mean, the other day I was like,

I don't know how to word this exactly correctly, but I was like, because you know I don't care about politics.

I just don't give a shit.

But I do care about this show.

And which show?

The Telum C Dave.

Okay.

And

he's.

I don't like.

I don't know how to put this.

You want to take a break for a second?

No, no, no.

You look like you're getting all upset.

Dude, I'm telling you, I'm like, I'm fucking up.

You look like Walt when he found out Alec was keeping time with Brett Farb.

It's bad, huh?

You're really upset.

I've had a really rough week.

He's having a harder time spinning it out than I had with queer.

I'm like, I'm really worried.

I'm thinking about how to express this.

Well, overall, like

something's, something happened to me last week.

I think it's the fucking constant 15-degree weather and that it's dark at four.

But I have been unfocused and unhappy and miserable and just fucking.

The only good thing is I know that it's going to come to an end, so I'm not really letting it get to me as much.

But in in that fog i've noticed this trump with the shithole and the and the and the tax bill fucking two things have really gotten me under my skin because i was like this motherfucker is taking fucking jokes like the tax thing like it was

I put so much thought into this this week where I was like, not even to talk about it on the show, but like when I started, when I left the fire department, right, and I knew that I was going to leave to go with Impractical Jokers, I realized that the amount of money that I'm going to make in practical jokers would be my war chest probably for the rest of my life.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, the pension's gone.

And that's fucking scary because you don't know what if you're going to get another season.

You don't know what you're talking to.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, you don't know when the gravy train is going to end.

Now we're in a climate where if we say a joke on the show and somebody doesn't like it, that could fucking end the show.

You know what I mean?

Or some fucking maniac could come out of nowhere and just ruin everything.

So it's a scary thing.

So then to see,

to feel that way and be like, oh my God, I really got to fucking,

I really got to make this work because my net is gone.

My love, the fire department's gone.

So then to see the government take half of it and then to learn how to deal with it turned into that whole tax thing.

And then, of course, some of the ants complained about it, so we fucking beat that drum to death.

Ha ha ha, right?

Or not, ha ha.

Or not.

Or not.

But whatever.

But, you know, we did it to fucking antagonize certain segments of the audience.

Just keep poking them in the eye.

But now because they haven't learned yet, if you complain about it, we're just going to keep doing it.

But if you don't complain about it, we'll probably just stop talking about it.

Right.

And now,

I can't.

You haven't heard me complain about taxes for a while because fucking Trump got in and he started, all he started talking about was taxes.

And I was like, man, now I can't even fucking do it.

Because now it's not one entitled asshole making a ton of money complaining about taxes.

You know what I mean?

Now it's like it's become

like reality.

And now

this fucking shithole thing.

I'm like, it was, it was a, you know, it was a gag we did, like, we fucking did it.

Like, it was funny.

And then I was like, no, no, we can't call India a shithole because I want to make money there.

You know what I mean?

We were weaving in all these stupid little character things that we do and shit like that.

And this motherfucker comes out and starts talking about shithole countries.

And he's the president of the fucking United States.

And I'm like, the fucker, no, we can't.

Because now,

if we we start saying shithole stuff, people are going to be like, oh, my God, these guys are trying.

Oh, you're, oh, you're, yeah, because we can never bring the bit back.

You're saying this segment can't, yeah, well, has to be retired?

I think so.

He killed the tax fucking thing, which was admittedly on its way out anyway.

He killed the fucking, the shithole thing.

And it's like, I just feel like

did you enjoy that segment that much?

I don't like anything being taken off the table.

Ooh, okay.

I don't like anything.

But, and it's something Ian, Ian K.

Morris said to me a couple years back where he's where I asked him I said well you couldn't make the in-betweeners today I think I said this on air and he was like I don't I wouldn't want to make in-betweeners today because some of the jokes that they said on the show just aren't funny because they've become true

he was talking about you know what I mean like the attitudes he's like and and it's like once something's true and people are dealing with it then it's not a joke and I feel that's happened to us now twice because of this fucking guy.

So that really kind of fucking, and then on top of that, like, you know, just the general atmosphere of comedy today and like not being able to just fucking, you can't just rip loose without worrying about it.

It's like, I don't know.

I put you in a bad spot, huh?

Well, everything's being viewed through this fucking negative, just like depressed state that I'm in, so nothing's good.

And I completely understand

anybody listening is going to be like, oh, dude, now you care about Trump because you can't say two fucking stupid jokes.

I get it.

You can't do your shit whole segment.

I get it.

Which I completely get.

You stole Indian shit on train tracks from me.

Right.

I think, Q Boy, what if I told you, just to cheer you up, what if I said, like, we'll put some thorns on it, and we could maybe

tweak that segment and maybe not never call it that again, you know, because he's, he's, he had, I mean, Lee had to lose the intro.

Like,

he's taken that away from it.

But

you could always tweak it cleverly and

with some wit and still,

yeah, you can't let that get you down.

But it's like that guy,

it's just to me, I'm just like, it hits me where I'm just like,

he is beside himself.

They're sending people who have been in this country for 30 years back to

where they came from.

And now we can't tell jokes about that.

He can't play the world's greatest shit.

Are they sending people back?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

they're doing some stuff

yeah one guy who i guess from what i read he was like 10 when he came here and yeah it's it's it's not dude

they finally caught him and sent him back yeah i don't know i've just been major i've just been like

deeply depressed and every word's in my head is is is that and this came when he said shitholes i was like oh my god if he said it there's no one there's no one verifying that he said it i think a lot of people are verifying he did i don't i would i would be shocked if if all these people are lying, though.

If I had to put money on it, would you like to do it?

Well, they would be his guys, right?

They would be his guys.

I don't know where he said it.

He said it in a cabinet meeting with other

Democrats and Republicans in the room.

So I think it's a good bet he did.

And

it's not like he's wrong for saying that they're shithole countries because they are shithole countries.

No, no, no, but he's wrong for saying it because

you are.

It's just lobbing well everybody it's just what we're opposed to

looping everybody into the same fucking you know like everybody is this if you're from here or everybody or if you're not this you're this but that's but that's not the way to take it I think the way to take it is like this is a shithole country which is why these people don't want to fucking live there and want to come here his like why do we only get people from shithole countries is because well people that live in great it would be like if we were to move from america to somewhere else we're lucky.

Man, we're fucking really lucky that

we were born here and we get to live here.

And there should be no sense of like illness.

But he should.

There's definitely something to be said for it.

But we're just speaking

as

just speaking with more, with not so

ofish.

And so, I mean, you're a president, though.

You shouldn't be

uniting people.

It shouldn't be this level of antagonism and constantly well also too it's just like how poking people in the eye not know that just because and look i'm not even i'm not even one of these open the borders to everybody guys i'm not at all but it's just like just because a country is a shithole doesn't mean that the people from it are shit are shitholes you know that's what i mean it's like the country itself the infrastructure it's like like look some of these countries if if

like there's a reason 600 000 people cross a border into another country and it's because their country's completely destabilized there There was an earthquake, too.

Yeah, I thought one of the countries he named, though, was Haiti, though.

Oh, I don't know.

Yeah, I think he did name Haiti.

Do you get this way every winter?

I have, dude.

I have been.

No, not really.

And

I've been so good for years now.

No slides?

Not really.

Not like this.

This was like, oh, hello, old friend.

Shitholism.

It wasn't a shitholeism.

Like I said, everything is viewed through

the lens of this depression.

So something like that, which normally I'd be like, oh, that's fucked up.

Well, let's make fun of it on the show.

It's like, I'm just

like, God damn it, he's an asshole.

And then, like,

because he affects me now.

So, but it's just every dude.

Like, I just wake up in the morning, like, this, it's only been like a week and a half or something, but I wake up and I'm like,

fuck, it's right there.

It's there when I wake up.

It's there with me all day.

And it's there with me in everything I do.

And then, and then it's there when I go to sleep at night.

And what is,

what would be a way to describe what it is?

It's a weight on the chest.

It's an anxious feeling in my stomach.

It's tired.

It's everything.

Nothing has a positive spin on it.

Every single thing, even good things

are bad and

neutral at best.

Yeah, and I'm a piece of shit, and I don't do anything right, and all this stuff.

Have you watched Bojack lately?

I watched that episode of Bojack last night.

Yeah.

I re-watched it and I was like, holy shit, this is

dead on, dead on.

It's dead on.

That show does depression better than anything else.

Look, it's not going to last.

It'll be over before, and I'm lucky that I have good friends.

I got to say, Murray's been texting me every day.

Joe's been texting me every day.

Sal's been on, you know what I mean?

Like, I have people who give a shit.

I have all the things in place and the knowledge that it's going to go away.

So it's not that big of a deal, but holy fuck, it's like,

it really is.

It's just an illness.

It's just a fucking sickness that you can't control.

And the other thing is, it's like, you don't really want to talk about it necessarily.

No.

Because it's just spinning wheels.

You're like, it's the same shit.

It's the same feeling for an indeterminate amount of time, hopefully short.

It'll be short.

How do you know, like, the thing, how do you know when it breaks, though?

You just

notice that you don't feel bad.

Like, it just, you'll, like, you'll just be like, oh, fuck.

Like, that's...

Like, I don't feel it.

it's fascinating because yeah, I'm trying to figure it out like how do you know that like when you're it doesn't just lift it's oh, it's okay, it's it's a it's a lessening of it.

It's like it's like um

It's like all right, well now I can enjoy like I'm watching TV and instead of sitting there watching TV being like I'm a fucking I'm a useless piece of shit.

I should be doing anything besides sitting here and fucking God forbid relaxing for two seconds.

I'll enjoy the show and then then it's like, all right, like, oh wow, that was holy shit.

I didn't just fucking come down on myself.

But then something will happen happen, and it'll piss you off.

It's like, just like a, it's almost like a scab healing.

Like, it gets a little less, and you know what I mean?

And it just breaks up like ice, breaking away.

And then one day you're just like, oh, I got a grip on it.

And then one day it's, it's gone.

So, how do you do it, Walt?

I don't think it is.

I don't think you can do anything.

I think this is obviously something that

just comes on.

Like you said, it's an illness.

You can't control it.

You can't control it.

I don't think you can do anything that's going to

maybe lessen it.

Dude, yeah, I don't think there.

I just think it comes.

I just think it comes.

It's like.

I used to be like this weekly.

So it's fine.

Like that's what I'm saying.

It's fine.

I know it's going to go away, and I have the experience and the wisdom at this point.

But fuck, it doesn't make it easier when you're just...

I don't think you can, I mean, honestly, I don't think you can be like, oh, just change your mindset.

That's ridiculous.

So

it's not a real answer.

I there are no real answers.

Don't worry, be happy.

It's just don't make any decisions in the midst of this.

Don't make any major decisions without talking to people.

Yeah,

I spoke to you a little bit over a week and a half ago, probably right before this,

because I was concerned.

I was like, you're right?

You feeling okay?

And you're like, nah, I'm good.

I'm fine.

And then within the next few days.

Right off the cliff.

Yeah, I don't know.

But

Does it feel like it's lifting or no?

You're still in the middle of it.

Dude, yesterday I was I started to feel it lift, but today has been like

I was like, fuck.

Do you do a thing where like

if you're in public, you'll look at people and you'll be like, what the fuck are you so happy about?

No.

Why are you so happy?

I don't do that unless I'm with you.

And then we make sport of it.

But I uh what I do is I stand in the middle of

people and I'm just like, I have nothing.

I have no connection to this race.

I have no connection to this people.

It's like I'm alone.

The race you mean, like the human race.

The race that you run, like at work, you mean the race to achieve something.

No, I mean the human race.

Like, I don't fucking.

Well, I mean, like, I feel like it's so hard to relate to people.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I feel like

I don't relate to anybody really well, but I wouldn't consider myself

discussed about it.

But you're not looking at it through that lens.

Like, that's what I'm saying.

Everything through that filter of depression becomes about the depression.

So it's like, I could, and dude, especially like now being on TV and not being able to go anywhere without talking.

You have to be upbeat when someone sees you.

Well, it's just like I already feel kind of separated because there's not, I'm not able to anonymously

walk through the fucking mall anymore.

So there's already that feeling of like, let me get in, get out as quick as possible.

I don't want to end up taking pictures for 20 minutes.

You know what I mean?

I got to get fucking home.

So there's already that fugitive feeling that I handled fine, but it's just like now in this, it's just like, it's, I can't leave, I don't want to leave.

So when you're not feeling that way, you feel you can connect and you feel you do

like when you're in groups, you don't have that problem.

No, no, no, not, you know, the TV thing complicates it, but no, for the most part,

like it feels good to be alive, you know, especially the last few years have been great to me and I feel really good and grateful and lucky, but man.

And

you can't point anything there's like just I know it's nothing.

And did you feel

like that?

when you get you feel like that itch in your throat and you're getting a sore throat?

I was already kind of into it when I was like, ah, fuck, it's here.

Something's coming.

Yeah, and I think, I think, I, I think

the fact that it's been fucking 10 degrees every day and it's fucking unreal.

Until it's until it's 60 for one day, and then it's back on down to 50 and again.

Coincidentally, that was the day I felt good.

I think it might be related to that because there's nothing else going on.

It's not uncommon.

No, no, no.

Can you imagine living in one of these places where it's like fucking a shithole, you mean?

Well, no, I mean, let's get real.

No, like one of these places that gets like the dark is so long, like, you know, in Alaska.

Well, that would be.

Do you think that, like, there's people who

fare a little bit better if you were living in Florida all year round?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Yeah, you wonder.

Maybe.

Do you have one of those light boxes?

Nina Rad told me those light boxes work.

I have one, but I forget I have it, so I don't use it all that much.

Patella has one, and she

it works for her in her place.

Yeah.

To what?

To get a tan, or you mean to feel or something?

No, it's it's UV light.

It's the same, the thing that creates the vitamin B in you from the sun.

Or is it vitamin D?

Vitamin D?

Vitamin D.

This light puts out that spectrum of light.

It works, like it's science.

So

why don't you just put all your lighting as that thing in the house?

I don't think it's motherfucking.

Right, really?

Why wouldn't you put every light bulb, every up, every well?

Maybe in the

today, yeah, but I

don't know.

Does it feel like a different kind of light?

Like, if you turn a light on into, would it be like super harsh and bright?

It's intense.

Yeah, you're like, I can't do this for more than a half hour.

Yeah, I don't think you could.

You just get away with it.

But I don't know.

I've never used one, but I actually had the thought yesterday that I should order one.

Yeah, if you, if you did light

lighting like that throughout your whole house,

you would have to wear sunglasses

around your house.

Yeah.

I like again, I don't want, and I know people listen, and you know, they're kind enough to be concerned and stuff, and don't, don't, I'll be fine.

I'm sure there's tons of people who

are identifying what you two right now, who are going through the same thing this time of year.

Yeah, oh, without a doubt.

Without a doubt.

And I like to hear that, you know, they're not alone.

No, they're definitely not.

That's just the way it is.

Sorry.

You should not be talking about me because that's what happens with this fucking shit.

Let's go back to.

Talking about you?

No, you're not talking about you.

They're like, well, it says you're talking about a lot of of people.

Some who may even be at this table.

Are you feeling?

You got the Megrims?

No, I'm going.

I'm just like, I'm just laser focused on going to L.A.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For the nasty as they want to be sure.

Nasty as we want to be.

I will be nasty.

I mean,

you really technically cannot be as nasty as you want to be, though, right?

Sure, you can.

What if I want to be really nasty?

Well, I mean, what you say, you could say as nasty as you want to be, but I mean, actions, you probably couldn't be like, you couldn't like strip on stage or anything, but you could definitely say anything you want on stage.

People would be like, that is nasty.

He wasn't lying.

I guess he wants to listen.

I wish he wanted to be a little less nasty.

I think that's, you know, that's good, though.

If you're looking forward to it, that means if you're looking forward to something.

I need something aside from death to look forward to, so L.A.

is pretty good.

L.A.'s pretty good la's a good i like going to l a when i feel like this

yeah it'll be sunny

it's a different i believe all 50 seats sold out

i'm not even sure honestly i'm not sure how many seats there are

and i'm gonna see some people when i'm out there oh yeah how long you out there for uh going sunday and i'm coming back thursday

but you're out there for a little bit

you could do the meet you know the little i'll do the Hollywood stuff with all my Hollywood buddies.

Your

power lunches.

I'll have a power lunch at the Ivy probably.

$30 for a bowl of spaghetti.

But then after that, it's going to Florida with Troy.

Oh, yeah, for what?

Just to go.

When I was over at his house on New Year's Eve,

he was talking about going to Florida, and

I was like, well, that'd be pretty fun to go with Troy.

I was like, fuck it, I'll go with Troy.

He's going by himself?

Yeah, just me and Troy.

Or just me and him.

Really?

Yeah.

What are you guys going to do when you get there?

Fly rainbow flags, whatever it is they do at Disney.

Troy's bringing his kids and his wife.

Okay.

You bring in Sage?

Yeah.

Okay.

That's nice.

Yeah.

So if anybody wants to trade merchandise for tickets at Disney or Universal.

Oh, well, Universal Mike.

I was just saying.

Universal Mike?

Yeah.

That's our guy.

Well, he's my guy.

You guys ripped into him so bad when I brought him up on the show.

I don't know if he's going to be your guy yet.

Universal Mike.

But

he's a true aunt.

So he probably.

Very universal Mike.

Give me tickets for Universal and Disney.

No, don't say the Demon.

Yeah, so there's that next month.

And, of course, Astronomicon

9th through 12th or 11th or something like that.

Detroit?

Detroit.

I can't wait.

I'm coming.

You're going to be there?

I booked my flight today.

Oh, yesterday.

To come just to see Kane Hotto's panel, which you're moderating.

Yes.

I said, I cannot miss this.

I can't miss this.

Did I send you that picture?

I don't know why I'm doing this on air.

Oh, I'll go on with the people there.

Bill Mosley.

Ooh, Texas Chainsaw 2.

Chainsaw 2.

Very.

1,000 corpses.

Bill Mosley,

when I was at a different Haracon in Pennsylvania, he was sitting across the way, which which is only from like here to not even the door.

And

I was going to go say hi, and I didn't, because I'm like, what if what if I get the John Hurd treatment where he's like, fuck off, because I like Bill Mosley so much that I wouldn't want that to happen.

So I didn't want to meet him.

So you still haven't met him?

No, I have not met him.

But he seems to be like he's a he seems like he's a pretty nice guy.

And he follows me on Instagram and Twitter and shit.

So

maybe.

Why does he follow you, though?

Because you've never met him.

I don't know.

I follow him.

I never met him.

It's weird, though.

Why would he follow you, though, if he doesn't?

How would he even become aware of your...

Oh, maybe because a while back I got an Otis Otis Driftwood figure, and I put it up

on Instagram or whatever, Twitter on it.

I can't remember.

And

added him or tagged him or whatever you call it.

And then after that, he followed me.

Sid Haig is going to be there.

What's the Captain Spalding?

The 20.

Well, no, wait, not the 20.

There's something or other.

Hold on a sec.

I'll tell everyone if you're going to go to Detroit to this

panel.

Oh, shit, because

Victor Crowley,

which is, of course, Hatchet 4,

the Blu-ray gets released February 6th, so we'll be out there.

Yeah.

You've got to assign it.

Yeah, definitely.

Victor Crowley.

It would be the 10th Keynes Kane's panel.

The 10th.

So if you go to Amazon and get the same day release, you know, the delivery the same day, and you bring that to, where are we going?

Detroit?

Detroit.

It's Sterling Heights, Michigan.

Okay.

I'm not working, so I don't have, you know what I mean?

But definitely at that panel, man, we'll sign those Blu-rays.

Or I will.

I don't know what Kane will do.

Kane may not.

Who knows?

I don't want to answer it for the man.

Ryan's going to be there.

Ryan first.

That's cool.

I guess because of, you know what,

Bates Motel.

You want to go with Anarchy.

Where is it at?

It's like right outside Detroit.

Let me see if I can work that out.

All right.

We'll keep everyone updated

as to what.

Oh, the other thing we're going to do, Q.

Although, I don't know.

Maybe I shouldn't talk about it because they haven't announced it yet or whatever yet.

I'll wait until they announce it.

I wanted to ask you guys, have you ever heard of a new restaurant chain?

Oh, new restaurant chain.

It's new.

It's somewhat new.

I don't know.

You know what?

I shouldn't say it.

It's new to me, and it's new around here.

I've seen them popping up recently.

And I finally decided to, the family and I decided to finally try it.

I haven't seen any of these restaurants down in central Jersey, but up north, seen them everywhere.

I've seen one finally opened close enough by Menlo Park Mall.

The Tilted Kilt.

That is so weird.

I just went to Bildabear with her up in Menlo Park and saw that and was like, never heard of it.

Never heard of this place before.

So passing by, it looks like you're, from the outside, all appearances, it looks like a red robin.

It looks like any number of your

Applebees.

So you've been to one?

Yeah, I have them.

I had a

very similar story to what you're about to tell.

Okay, so we finally, so on Saturday,

we're going out for lunch, and I asked, Where do you guys want to go?

And you're like, oh, we're tired of the same old places.

We're tired of, you know, we want to try something new.

And I was like, well, what about we try that tilted kilt?

And they're like, well,

we don't know what kind of food it is.

And

I was a little concerned that it may have been like Scottish food because it kilted everything or Irish food.

That's what I would think.

Right?

So I was like, so we did a quick, quick look at the menu

online.

and it turns out they got burgers, they got chicken tenders, they got your everything that you would expect.

All the same garbage chain restaurants have, all American fan.

We drive up there, and it's about two o'clock in the afternoon.

We walk in, and the place is not very busy.

I have a key.

A key?

Yeah.

For what?

What are you talking about?

What's her key?

You want your key?

Yeah.

She got a house key recently that she's become consumed with.

Uh-oh, I think you lost it.

Where is it?

Oh, no, here it is.

Okay.

She's got a little

Mr.

MeSeq's keychain.

Hey, all right.

It's funny, she just goes outside and starts keying my car.

It's like, sad named

thoughts and prayers.

So it's a standard American fan.

Yeah, you walk in and there's like

just anywhere you would sit.

The clientele is exactly what you'd see at a Red Robin or Friday's or an Applebee's.

But there's the podium where you walk in, it's very high, and there's the way the hostess is like, you know, greets you and is like, how many?

We're like three.

It's my wife and my daughter.

And as she walks around the podium,

we are our jaws hit the

as she is dressed in

what can only be described as a stripper, right?

Hey, what are you doing for dinner?

I could not believe it when she walked around the corner.

She's wearing a what, a little kilt.

A schoolgirl kilt.

A schoolgirl kilt that's like I can't even get it out

of my mouth.

I was like, I just couldn't believe it when she walked around the corner because you had nothing.

Well, I never

clutching pearls

would have prepared me.

Nothing in the world would have prepared me for when she walked around that corner.

Unless you were having lunch at a strip club.

She is her kilt is like, is just covering.

It's like Hooters in the same.

It's Hooters times.

It's a decadent Hooters.

What do the shirts look like?

The shirts are

tied up little shirts that show all belly, and it's a push-up thing, so the cleavage is right there in your face.

It's like a white dress shirt tied up.

So it's like a schoolgirl figure.

It's a schoolgirl outfit.

It's a 100% strip of schoolgirl outfit that they say is a kilt.

Unreal, how hot she is.

How much trouble I got in this.

How flimsy it is.

It is shockingly such a little bit of fabric covering all the areas that should be covered.

Which is everything about the eyes, right?

Fucking a laq bar.

And she brings us to our table and then notices that there's some stuff on it, like in the table.

So she kind of leans over to clean the table.

I couldn't believe it.

Looking over her shoulder at Walt.

It was so awkward.

So we're like, we don't know what to do.

We don't know.

I'm like, and I go, and as soon as she leaves, she's like, someone will be right over.

I'm like, what the hell?

And who was it?

My daughter and my wife.

And even my kid is just like,

she goes, like, what the?

She doesn't say it, but I know what she was going to say because she catches up because nobody's on.

yeah nobody is even close to thinking this is what this is going to be when you walk in right and um i thought hooters was dying because of the whole like who cares like it's just regular

hooters got pretty risky like they that's what i've heard the wings are actually pretty fucking

yeah yeah yeah i wouldn't uh i wouldn't fuck with a hooter's man those wings are there's no place on the planet that has them like there so there you go so the waitress the our regular waitress comes over and you can't even look at her when you're ordering we don't want We're like, we made the decision.

Well, we don't want to walk out of here.

It's so weird to just leave.

You're like, well, I don't want to be rude.

No, like, the decision was made.

We drove all the way up here.

What are we going to do?

And they're like, we just let it roll.

And when she comes over, it's like, you can't even look at her to be like, what you want to order.

You're just ordering and you're just like, I'll have

chicken tenders and

Coke.

I mean, I look like, you know, like a Judge Wapner is going to come on at 4:30.

I'm going to get home.

It was so bad.

And then I go to use the bathroom, and it's fucked up shit in the bathroom, too.

I don't know if it was.

I don't remember that.

It says

painted across the wall on three of the four walls is

no matter how

good-looking she is,

you better believe some dude is tired of her shit already.

I mean, true, but

like, and then these are maxims to live by.

And then

on the other wall, it's like a cure for blue balls.

Oh, yeah.

What did it say?

I didn't even read it.

I was just like, I couldn't even believe what I was seeing.

That's it.

I'd give Brian advice about this, but

I just was like,

and I got to tell you, man, I mean,

it just wasn't, it wasn't good enough to make us go back and experience that again, though.

So you went for lunch, and then later on, you're like, so what should we do for dinner?

I mean, we're in the area.

It is strange.

It's strange that it's in this day and age that.

Right.

Well, how old is this place?

Like, has it been around?

I've just recently seen it within 2016.

No, it's been around.

Here, in Jersey, I mean, I've noticed it.

I was in 2013.

I went down to King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, which is just outside Philly, to visit a friend of mine.

And he was like, oh, you want to go grab something?

We'll go to Tilted Kilt.

And I'd never heard of it before.

And I went in and I, you know, same thing.

I was like, oh, Irish joint, Scottish, whatever, walked in.

And like, to the credit, to the one, the women at the King of Prussia

tilted kilt are gorgeous.

I mean,

I walked in, I was like, I didn't have the same reaction as you.

I was like, whoa.

I was like, whoa.

But, yeah, and then one just opened on Staten Island, and I was like, I was surprised.

I'm like, that's.

In this day and age,

the way that the world is changing,

can the tilted kilts are not going to be able to do that?

Thank God for the tilted kilt.

Thank God for them.

Yeah.

Otherwise, the world is going going to change to a point where you don't want to completely sanitize.

Right.

But I believe that

if there were a commercial presence on TV for this, I would not have gone there, though.

I would not have brought my family there.

Well, you would have brought your daughter, right, yeah.

I would not have brought my family there.

I would have told about it, but I probably wouldn't even go.

But yeah, I believe, though, that they need to do a little bit more about

public awareness of what's happening.

I don't think that maybe their whole plan is, let's let's say, on the cover, so husbands could just tell their wives, oh, I'm just headed down to meet the guys at the old kilt.

I'll see you later, honey.

Like, so she can't even Google it.

Yeah, like, and you know, he flies under the radar.

Oh, my God.

It is a weird thing.

How sad is it?

I mean, I'm glad that you're saying, like, you're at least backing me up here because it was like, I'm not kidding around, man.

Like, the blood drained from my face as she came around because I was like, what the fuck?

Where are we?

Yeah.

I mean, it's weird.

Where did the blood go?

Did your wife drag it to the car?

Hold on a second.

Deal with patio sexy over here.

I mean, at least in a strip club, like in a way, it's more honest.

You know what I mean?

Like, you know, everybody knows what they're there for.

You know what I mean?

Killed and killed.

It's like, oh, you know, but it was the biggest curveball I've ever experienced in my life.

You're lucky.

You're really

lucky.

It's like me complaining about Trump.

I'm trying to think back into my life, the biggest curveballs that I've ever been, that have have ever been thrown my way.

And that's got to be up there with like one, that's a spitball.

I didn't mind it like you did.

I was like, oh, I get it.

Yeah, but you're no, you're not.

It would still be surprising, though.

A single guy, yeah.

I don't think, you know, red-blooded American guy like yourself,

you look at the dictionary, your pictures should be there.

Yeah.

But for me bringing my family here, I was a little

perturbed that

the 411 on it.

We didn't want to run out of here because it felt because there was so many little bad people there.

If we walked out based upon within the first second like that,

they definitely would have been like, why they knew why we were leaving.

It just would have fallen.

I can't imagine it's the first time that happened.

Well, I mean,

we didn't want to look like Puritans either.

Gotcha.

I mean, not in front of them, in front of the entire Television Dave audience, yes.

Well, we stayed.

How are we looking like Puritans?

We stayed.

Because the whole time you were a guest.

We basically

had chicken tenders in Sodom and Gomorrah.

And

now are they going to tell me that I'm a Puritan?

Right.

And your wife is now a pillar of salt because she turned back and looked at the tilted, kilted redrounding.

Why on earth?

Why on earth are the audience going to think I'm a Puritan?

I stayed.

The fact that all the...

Really, you're now.

I feel different.

I asked Father Lance to do a couple,

say a couple things at the end of the night.

A couple prayers.

Yeah, before, you know, because I...

Maybe that's what he was annoyed at.

You're like,

I saw a woman, and

she was dressed, of course, but I was shocked at the length of her skirt.

Pretty sure I saw some ankles.

Am I still going to Heaven, Father?

Tell me, I'm good.

Yeah, I'm a good boy.

Just tell me I'm good.

I'm a good boy.

Absolutely.

It would be surprising because of like, wow, have I not heard of this place?

I saw it and it never even occurred to me to look into it.

Like, I just thought I was like, I never heard of that place before.

Well, I mean, it was our desire to want to try something new, and we're trying to be a little

bit more adventurous.

Yeah, you know, and there's something to be said about, you know.

Too much adventure.

Without a doubt, there can be too much adventure.

Everybody's always looking for more adventure.

Instead of being satisfied with the adventure you got, they need to get their kicks.

Just go to a nice place like Bob Evans, where you know what the score is.

Nobody's going to come out in a little skirt.

The first tilted

kilt pub and eatery was opened in the Las Vegas Rio Hotel and Casino in 2003.

So it's relatively new.

Right.

And like I said, I had on the landscape where I usually drive, I've been seeing them pop up.

And,

you know, they look like your standard,

you know, fast food, not fast food, but like your Red Robin, your Apple Beast from all appearances on the outside.

But

the outward appearances can't be.

And how are the guys dressed?

There were no guys.

There were no

burgers in that building we were in that afternoon.

Sage, get your coat on.

We're going to the tilted kilter dinner.

They have big arsh burgers.

Don't worry.

I know you love burgers.

You know, and I think, and I guess it's up to me to do a little bit more investigation before I bring any of my family there.

But all I did was look at the menu.

I would never have dreamed that I would have to look any further than the menu, though.

Yeah.

Oh, you just looked online at the menu?

Yeah, we looked at the menu on the way up, and we're like, what do they serve there?

And they're like, oh, yeah, they serve this, they serve this.

And we're like, all right, let's just go then.

It's about a half hour away, so we took the ride up.

So, what was the conversation

when you left?

Was there

just quiet the whole way home?

Like Alicia weeping

straight to a counselor.

I know you're not supposed to text a drive dad, but just

please tell Father Lance.

Please.

Oh, wow.

They are not like, I mean, these, I'm looking at their website, the kilt girls.

I mean, if you want to be a kilt girl, it looks like you better have some obscenely big boobs.

They all have big boobs, too?

I didn't notice it for the boobs.

Or maybe they're just going big boobs with, yeah, they're pretty, but it looks like they're going big.

You know, I'm not crazy about, but I'd prefer a little diversity here.

I don't want all fucking white chicks.

Then you go up to the one by Menlo Park Mall.

Why?

It was a very diverse staff.

All right.

That's what I care about.

Do you drove all the way up to the Menlo Park Mall?

Oh, we do.

We drive much farther than that for our purpose.

Yeah.

That's how we spend an afternoon.

We'll take the drive out to a faraway place and dine.

All right.

Sometimes there's a chocolate fountain.

Sometimes there's a stripper.

That's life in a nutshell for you.

It got me thinking.

There are worse surprises than stumbling upon a bunch of hot chick serving food.

There are, yeah, there are.

But for our family, it was one of the biggest ones, though, for us.

For our life experiences,

it was...

It was traumatizing for a couple minutes.

And then, you know, then we regained it.

You completely unscrupulously got our composure.

You got triggered.

And then you...

It made me think, though, I had a question for you guys

that I wanted to see

how you would answer this.

Would you guys be for or against teaching

high school girls' proper tilt wear?

I'm for it, but

I don't know if I should.

I should.

I don't know if I should.

Should morals.

Is she a senior?

Well, she's a senior, right?

Should morals and ethics now be taught in school?

Yeah, isn't it already?

I don't think so.

I don't think, I think they kind of stray away from morals and ethics.

It's more about facts.

Walt and I had a philosophy class in our high school.

You understand?

Wait, wait.

You're not talking about college.

You're talking about.

I'm talking about public school, like

early grades from grade one to senior year in high school.

Should there be a moral and ethics curriculum?

What?

No.

They hardly have sex education.

Now you're going to talk to people about morals and ethics.

Whose morals and ethics are you teaching?

The most obvious ones.

I don't know what that means.

I'm not even fucking around here.

I don't know what that means.

Like, what do you mean?

What is an obvious moral and ethics?

I swear to God, I'm not fucking around to do a bit.

Thou shalt not kill.

Well, you think I need to teach that?

Well, yeah, you look at

how many murders are committed in Chicago this year?

Okay, so

they're lily white suburban fucking schools.

They're like, you guys know

that if you fire that gun at somebody, it's going to kill them, right?

And it's not cool.

You know?

You don't need to claim turf or colors or any other number of things.

Brayson, pay attention.

I'm talking to you.

I don't care if you're not.

Wadsworth.

Yeah.

I'm not telling you again.

I don't care if your mother's here to pick you up and

fucking

in her tussle.

Yeah, I don't.

Yeah.

All right, then thou shalt not steal.

I mean, shouldn't these things.

Thou shalt not lie.

I don't think I want the government in charge of teaching.

So basically, the Ten Commandments is

morals and ethics.

You know, the obvious morals and ethics.

Don't cheat people.

Be an honest person.

Be a good person.

How many classes does it take to learn?

And how old are the kids that are trying to reprogram?

And

what a parent's job in all this.

Yes.

Now, there's it.

I was waiting for one of you to mention that.

It shouldn't that be the responsibility of the parents.

But let's be honest.

In 2017, do you think

that

most parents,

whether by either by just

a lack of parenting skills or they're just too busy.

Most parents are not teaching those.

I think most parents are getting across the do not kill

this huge hurdle.

Well, let's ask you this.

Did you ever have the sex talk with either of your parents?

No.

All right, did you ever have the thou shalt not kill talk with any of your parents?

No.

Who's

I went to CCD?

Okay.

Yeah.

So they had it covered.

They figured they were paying for it.

Yeah, but I don't think we want to put the government.

Put a bunch of Catholic priests in charge of teaching the kids morals.

Whoa, whoa.

Father Lance won't have that.

I don't think I want the government in charge of deciding morals and ethics.

But where are these kids going to?

Because that's called indoctrination, if the government's teaching you what.

But it's weird that you could say that

you immediately find the word morals and ethics

as a bad thing to teach.

Well, you've named two

unfucking deniable things, like fine.

Okay, what about cheating someone?

Or cheating, just cheating.

Right, like, but again, to me, that's so obvious.

Like, for an entire course of moral and ethics, you have to get into

and I don't give a fuck if it's like you start in kindergarten and go all the way through senior year.

If a person wants to cheat on their boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, they're probably going to cheat.

I think you're wrong, though.

I think that since you

have no case studies to show that that with being it pounded into your head how wrong it is that it could not change culture dramatically if we were teaching like you know what right but you see what happens when they pound ideals into kids heads they fucking end up being like suicide bombers and weird shit like that where it's like this is the only way to think

you're pounding fucking yeah but you're pounding the wrong shit into those heads if you're pounding that someone's gonna be a suicide bomber you're t you're pounding hatred they don't think it's wrong though yeah but you're they don't think it's wrong they think it's all for the greater glory of god right which is like the ultimate like what's wrong with that that's way more important than like hey don't cheat on your wife or stone her if she talks to her cousin right but what's wrong with pounding into

yeah yeah yeah oh oh wow you went and got yourself raped huh get on you know throw some rocks at you until you're dead doesn't seem like we need that you're gonna use that you're gonna use that society as our as your as your barometer

yes that's ridiculous though but what's wrong with pounding into

our children's heads from from the very beginning and early on age?

Not pounding, that's the wrong word, but

a steady stream of good behavior and proper way to treat other people ethically and

morally.

Right.

Why are you so

quick to be like, no, no, I don't want that.

Yeah, the same government who steals and lies and cheats and covers up.

The same government that fucking gave you your education.

Yeah, look at me.

Yeah, because you chose because

you didn't have anybody telling you the right way though

pam and edgar i would assume right did they though i had to go to sunday school and church all the time you're i'm not talking about god here i'm not talking about teaching them about

people get like

talking about teaching them about like hey you're going to sell your used car like teaching giving them this school plan giving this uh for like a assignment yeah these are the things that are wrong with the car i guess you don't want to sell your car

if you're going to tell them everything and you go do you do you tell the motherfucker that sold me the desert around?

I wish he had taken this class.

We were all turned around on this now.

Hold on.

But you don't think, though, like you can tell you could help shape and form a person early on to have morals and ethics?

I think morally we're kind of bankrupt at this point in the country.

It's a big job to do that.

Do you think?

You don't think we are?

I don't know.

Like, in what way?

I mean, most people are not murderers.

Most people, I think, don't steal.

Oh,

unless you're talking about, like, unless you're talking about theft by deception at Sun Coast Video.

Hey, man,

let he

who has no sin cast the first stone.

Right.

Yeah, okay.

But I'm an idiot.

I wish that I had had this course.

But we are.

Actually, you didn't do it.

Sunday Jeff did it, so he's going to go to hell.

But we are at the pinnacle of human history right now.

It's never been better than it is right now.

It's never been more fucking quote-unquote moral and ethical than it is now.

Right.

I mean,

the outrage going around is outrageous, but like, but but but the amount of murders, the amount of deaths, the sickness, illness, all that shit is at its lowest point in human history.

And that's like, if you're going to give examples like Chicago, you have to get the parents to get the fucking kids to school to take the class.

But the problem is the breakdown in the family structure, right?

That's mostly.

But you could fill that void a little bit, though, if you were to go in there with a good curriculum of morals and ethics.

Well, that's where you have your board of ed.

You have

they decide what's the moral symmetrics they want to teach.

You trust them to teach them the math.

You ain't going to any board meetings to find out what the curriculum is.

Math isn't.

Of course not.

Too busy.

Meth isn't subjective.

Math is math.

Like, there's no way for them to sneak into

the agenda.

Science.

That's subjective science.

That's not really.

Bullshit.

I don't believe it evolves.

The more I hear about Stephen Hawking, the more I'm like, God damn, you are a fucking pioneer in the anti-Stephing movement.

I heard again that he's just like making shit up.

He's just saying shit.

Because he just wants to get the

accolades.

He wants to get TV time.

He wants kudos.

But like, science can definitely be

high-like impractical jokers.

That guy sounds good to me.

But science

is accepted as a constantly evolving thing.

You're going to get taught facts.

That aren't correct all the time.

And you know that.

It's accepted.

By who?

Who's an accepted body?

I don't accept it.

It was accepted throughout our entire schooling.

I've always felt that I've always kind of

been a rebel

against the science and what they're telling me.

I don't believe it.

But that's accepting it.

It's not accepting it.

You're accepting that science.

I reject it.

No, no, no.

You reject science because you accept what I'm saying.

That science almost can't be trusted because it's always evolving and changing.

Now, that is not taught in school like that, though, and you know it.

But I know it.

How do I know it?

Because you've formed your own opinion.

All right, great.

But I consider you a moral and ethical

superior to the most people.

Oh, you weren't talking about me.

I was talking to you.

I could not make that same statement.

JW.

I believe you do, and I believe it has all to do with your upbringing, family, schooling.

Yes.

So

you were a benefit.

You benefited from your upbringing.

Yes.

It helped form the man you are now.

Without a doubt.

But you look at the shit that I was taught, even about American history in school

is so wildly incorrect that by the time you start figuring out what the fuck's going on, like they haven't fixed that.

You read those textbooks from when I was a kid, the 80s and stuff like that.

They're selling a version of American history that isn't true.

Not even close.

Not even close.

So if we accept that, though, why can't we accept.

that?

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Well, it's like, do we accept that or is it changing?

Well,

you say that most people accept that science

is always evolving and that what we were taught p in school possibly most likely will change over the course of time.

Pluto.

There you go.

Pluto,

why are then you why are the why are we reluctant then to teach the basics in morals and ethics?

Like what is wrong with telling a kid, like showing a kid, hey, when you're selling your, like, you're selling a house,

you know, don't hide these things.

Why would you be a kid?

What about if you're renting a house and it's crippin' shit with no lights?

I just don't want the government deciding what is moral to teach kids.

But it's also, it varies from culture to culture, too.

Like, what is moral and ethical here?

Yeah, state to state.

Yeah, like, is it immoral

to smoke weed, say?

I know, I know that you think so, but a lot of people don't.

In fact, some states, like, okay, so when a state legalizes, we'd say Colorado, right?

Prostitution.

Or prostitution.

If they legalize it, does it then make it okay?

Because the state said okay.

You would be against

our children being taught that prostitution is not leading a moral lifestyle.

But why?

Would be such a such a

horrible

thing to note.

So to raise legions of children to instinctively have it out for women who have no choice in life but to resort to prostitutes.

It's not out, but like, you know, why would I want to teach that these poor women?

I mean, these fucking prostitutes are not out there because they love it.

They're out there because life forced them into it.

So now I'm being taught that it's immoral and I'm 10.

Then everybody's judging them for

whatever got them into it.

Yeah.

Which many times is some dude who is fiddling with them at some point.

Sure.

And meanwhile, it's not immoral in some states.

So yeah, you can't let the state decide like

weed is morals and maybe okay, go ahead.

You can't say, okay, so in Colorado, I'm acting totally immoral by smoking weed, but then once I cross the border into, say, Utah,

now I'm immoral again.

We just talked about before we turned on the mics, how like

we were talking about Bioshock and how whatever, but like interracial dating was immoral.

But you're talking about 2017 standards.

We wouldn't be even touching on stuff like that.

2017 standards.

2018 standards aren't even the same standards as 2050.

Right, but that but that has, like you said, though, but that has been that way since the dawn of the school.

But it's not right.

But you can't change.

Okay, so then

you're going to knock down the schools then and no more schooling then.

No, you can make it worse.

Things are always changing, are already evolving.

Well, you don't have to make it worse by putting in, throwing more.

All right, let's throw out morals and let's just go stick to ethics.

Ethics are a lot more define ethics for me.

Yeah.

As you see it.

Yeah.

Always being

honest and straightforward and truthful.

I'll look up the definition of ethics.

I just want to.

Being upfront and being honest and not.

I thought ethics was more of like a code of, like more of a code that you live by.

Moral principles, principles that govern a person's behavior or conducting of an activity.

What is wrong with that, though?

Like having that.

I don't want the fucking government deciding what is ethical or not.

I don't want to ethical things.

And the government can't decide it for you

because

even if you're taught certain things, then you're like, this is the way you think.

Right.

This is how you're supposed to think.

Don't think otherwise.

The government that wants slavery is now going to teach you ethics.

Like, I don't want it.

That's not.

Like, you're not going to school in the 17th century, though.

No, but

is there such a thing as systematic racism?

Yes.

That's fucking that government that props that up?

You want to see that?

Yeah, but the government is, you know, the government isn't propping it up.

They're moving

to destroy that, though.

I don't know if it's not going to be.

It's not what everyone thinks.

Everyone thinks that

the cops are evil.

Yes, the fucking government.

Well, no, you know that.

Do you remember this way back in the early 90s?

A guy wrote a book.

I can't remember his name.

I think it was Gary Webb, but it was about the CIA

introducing crack into poor urban neighborhoods.

And I remember telling you about it, and you roundly dismissed me because it was like a conspiracy thing, which now I can't keep you away from for whatever reason.

I don't know what the fuck happened.

But then it turned out that it looks like it was true.

It was true.

It looks like, or is without a doubt, it was true.

That's a big difference.

Sure.

Well,

not in this fucking world.

Not in this world.

Maybe he said it.

I don't know.

It was 40 years ago.

Ah, he said it.

He said it.

it.

Now let's ruin his life.

The Tuskegee Airmen.

Yeah, Syphilis.

You know what I mean?

Using the most bizarre and outrageous.

Who was his vice president, that guy?

In bed with the fucking weapons contractor.

Blackwater.

He was directly profiting over war.

But you're talking about curriculum.

We're talking about a curriculum.

You're putting some of the most immoral and unethical people in charge of deciding who's going to be.

You're not talking about anyone.

You're talking about the Clintons.

You're talking about JFK, Lyndon B.

Johnson, Nixon, any of these things.

That's what we teach our kids anyway in school.

No one goes over and scrutinizes it like this, the way you guys are so scared of it.

Who hands their child off to a school and says, okay, you're going to get taught ethics by the government today?

I don't think people do that.

Or that.

What would be wrong?

If they taught them not to lie and told them to be honest and integrity.

Fine, that's one class.

Now what?

But your parents are are telling us.

They're supposed to,

but we live in a world now where the parents don't, maybe they don't have time or maybe they're just not interested or maybe they don't have strong ethics

to

pass on to their children.

You're absolutely right about that.

Like it will vary from person to person.

But to say like, here's a blanket.

Here's just a bunch of things.

Here's a bunch of points we need to hit.

Don't kill anybody.

Don't steal their money.

Don't lie to them.

It's like a lot of kids, if they haven't learned that by the time they're in school, then I don't know if they're going to be able to grasp it.

All right.

Do you agree with the concept of a class that teaches kids how to balance a checkbook, how to write a check, how to

fiscally responsible?

But you're okay with that.

Yeah.

It's called life skills.

You don't think having integrity and morals is not a life skill?

You don't think that they'd be more prepared for their life skills?

No, I think you're missing my point, which is just like

whose ethics are being taught.

Do you want me to be the teacher of the class?

No, we will.

No, you don't.

You don't.

Who's we?

But the board of education,

in every...

Edgar was on the board of education.

So what?

That doesn't mean

he wasn't

functioning enough or didn't have.

He fucking cranked out.

Yeah, but it doesn't mean he couldn't

give a thumbs up to the curriculum, though, of like of what it's going to be.

He could give the thumbs up so other people come up with it.

It would vary from community to community.

They would approve the curriculum.

Okay, now think about what you're saying.

Which is what they do, which they do every school year.

I mean, balancing a checkbook doesn't change from state to state, and it's a necessary lesson from culture to culture.

Fiscally responsibility, right?

You want that taught, right?

I think it's way more important than half the shit that they teach.

Yes.

Okay, who's to say that, like, you know, that it's don't run up your credit card bill like Kevin did?

That wouldn't be fiscally responsible to make clerks, Kevin.

Kevin wasn't running around.

Kevin took a shot.

Kevin wasn't running around running up $10,000 in credit card bills, buying bullshit on an app store.

That's a world of difference.

And then Sudan would go fund me so someone else will pay for it.

And for one Kevin Smith, there's a fucking thousand

fucking not Kevin Smiths who was conservative.

Yeah.

So

to me, I just don't want the government in charge of like fucking deciding what is ethical and what is moral.

They can't decide it for the country.

They certainly shouldn't decide it for the future generations.

You know who does that?

Fucking North Korea.

Yeah.

That's what they do.

They drill into these kids.

This is what is moral.

You're saying the basics.

I think a lot of kids know by that point.

I'm surprised if they don't know, though.

I think you'd be shocked at what

they consider.

Do you think kids have to be taught not to kill each other?

No, no, I think that's the extreme.

But there's a character and integrity.

I don't think there would be anything wrong with having

a course on that.

Maybe not a daily course, but maybe

you go to your health class and they implement it in the health class.

And you're talking year after year?

Yeah, oh, yeah.

At least a little.

You've focused on it on your chapter about.

I want to teach that function.

I would.

No doubt.

I mean, I can see you're very passionate about it.

On the board of education, on the fucking instructor.

Debating the moral and ethics of existing lessons, what you just said, I don't think bothers me as much because then it's kind of up to the teacher to guide the students to figure out the right answers on their own,

or at least discuss them and come to some sort of, well, you know, you can't disagree nowadays anyway without getting fucking crucified.

So

I don't know.

I'm not sure, dude.

You know, teaching them that, you know, to be

to take responsibilities and to

man up or woman up when you've done something wrong.

And, you know, and just these things that...

But what's wrong now?

Now it's all subjective.

We know what's wrong.

You make a mistake when you've done something and

you need to apologize for it or you need to take responsibility for it.

And you do it.

That is the biggest lesson I've ever learned in my life.

If I had to sum up,

the most important thing I've learned in my life, it's that you make a mistake, you call it out first, and you own it, and you fucking

move on.

No, you don't.

You repeat it on a podcast and make it funny.

Right.

Yeah.

But you can't, that's got to be learned.

You can't teach that.

You got to.

You can try, though.

You can help.

Steer.

I didn't get it until my late 20s.

Yeah, everything is so abstract.

Because you weren't taught it in school, though, maybe.

I don't know.

You went to a fucking all-boys Catholic school.

They had to be fucking hammering you with more than that.

Oh my god.

Oh my God.

Almost to the T, all my teachers were fucking retired cops and flying.

Yeah, I got lessons.

Yeah.

I don't know.

And all through his 20s.

That was the conversation.

That was the conversation we had on the way home from Tilted Kilt, though.

Really?

Yeah.

Was everybody in agreement?

What a thrill ride it must be

with you as a dad.

It sounds pretty wild, though.

My daughter was in the camp with you, Q.

She was like,

well, why should that should not be my teacher's responsibility to tell me what's right or wrong and decision-making?

And

that's your job to try to instill those things into me.

And I was like, yeah, but you know I'm on the job 24-7.

Oh, I know.

You're going to come up.

They didn't even go to the goddamn tilted kill.

But there's fuck-ups

that are, you know, that are around us that aren't on the job.

They're fucking neck.

They're gone fishing for their whole lives.

You know, they put the sign up.

They let the kids rot.

Yeah, so, I I mean,

Sage, put that gun down, goddammit.

Tell him, Steve Dave.

By born, layers diagonal.

Birds are out of sight.

Track the day,

always fill this way.

like sailors die

break the ground

roll with the mountain

rolls around

me

and bone

tweets that we dunno.

Fire

just

in the fire.

Destroy

every ill.

Grain the ashes growing brown.

Break the ground,

ruins the ground, man.

What's the round?

This has been a production of Smodco Internet Radio, sir, only at Smodcast.com.