#362: Keepin’ it rawz & keepin’ it realz
Listen and follow along
Transcript
Tried to emasculate me.
She yeah, she fucking neutered you right in front of a bunch of people who were then like, Yeah, get out, you hawless homo.
On my own fucking soul, when this person dies, I will shit on their grave in the cemetery.
I love podcasting with you guys because I look like fucking Mother Teresa.
And
yet, somehow, you're still the least likable one on the show.
Why does this make me bad die?
Tell him Steve Dave.
Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tellum Steve Dave with our super smeller Walt, currently
on his back.
Fred Decker came in
with chicken slathered with barbecue sauce, and he's inhaling God knows what noxious chemicals from a Yankee candle.
Cranberry.
Chemicals in there.
You burn this.
If there was chemicals in it, it would be unhealthy to burn it.
I don't know if that's necessarily true.
It's probably, in theory, true, but that's putting a lot of trust in the Yankee Candle Company to be above the board.
I would think they'd have a lot to lose.
Way more chemicals in the fucking barbecue sauce than there are.
I thought I was very good.
I just got my candle and just put it under my nose while you guys ate.
Yeah, Dextra hardly noticed.
You also pointed it out yourself.
Well, I don't want to think I was weird.
I was was like, I'm doing this because I'm a super smelleller.
I want to let him know why I was.
Sorry, what's that?
Oh, you aren't aware of what it means.
Well, your hidden sense of...
Well, it's an actual medically
coined
condition.
It's like a bloodhound, and then a super smeller is just below a bloodhound.
Yeah, like if there was a gangbang where a bunch of super smellers banged a bloodhound.
I was thinking about it yesterday, though.
I went went to Houlihan's.
Yeah.
And it was.
You could smell fish in the air.
You definitely, I could smell it
from tables around me.
Oh, okay.
Crab cakes and salmon and such.
A lowly normal smeller like yourself.
A fucking pedestrian smeller like myself.
Non-professional.
No.
You don't like the smell of fish?
Not particularly, no.
No?
Well, there's people who like smell fish.
I do have a fish-scented Yankee candle I sniff from time to time.
I mean, I don't know how anybody could, but I assume there were people out there who liked the smell of fish because, you know, there's
fish restaurants.
There's.
I think they like the taste, not necessarily there for the.
Well, isn't the taste
go hand in hand with the smell?
Doesn't it taste just like it smells?
No, not really.
No.
I find that with other things, too.
Like, I love the smell of pickles and coffee, but I don't like the taste of either of them.
But chicken smells just like it tastes.
Which is to say it has no smell at all.
Well, it'll just.
Chicken?
It doesn't really have.
What do you put on it?
They fucking got 21 herbs and spices or something.
The colonel puts just the right amount of herbs and spices to make it smell delicious.
Have you ever drove by a KFC?
I mean, I don't know if you can smell it from the car, but I can.
Yeah, I know.
There's one 12 miles from here.
I'm sure that's what you're smelling right now.
No, I don't go to KFC.
It's too greasy and disgusting.
You know what?
I will say it is greasy,
and it smells better there than it actually tastes.
But the smell is unbelievable at KFC.
It's like
the sweetest aroma of food.
But
they just can't nail a landing after it comes out of the oven.
But boy, but they put a nice aroma into the air, though.
Oh, so you don't like the food?
I do like it, but I can see why people are just like
it has a fast food kind of
vibe about the about the chicken.
It's like, what the fuck?
Why does this taste like fast food chicken?
Look, as it is.
Yeah.
That's what he was saying.
Yeah.
I'll tell you what, last week, if last week, instead of Giddam Almost Dying on the Air, like I had died on the air,
I would have been all right with that.
After seeing the comments about last week's show.
Well, people weren't happy?
No, very happy.
That's why I'm saying.
Best show since
Space Monkey Saved Christmas.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
It actually, throughout the week, I have to say there were certain moments I looked and it brightened my mood a little bit.
Well, what do you mean?
That people liked it.
More than a normal.
More than a normal episode, it seemed.
I don't know what it was.
So you enjoy seeing people say nice things about Tell them Steve Dave?
Yeah.
Okay.
That's good to know.
I think everybody should know that.
Seven years in.
Just a few times.
I'm not looking for it.
I'm not fishing for cobblestones.
Well, I mean, why not?
I mean,
if they know you like it,
what's wrong with just feeding you some once in a while, just making you feel good?
Yeah.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Yeah, what the fuck is it?
Yeah, nice to meet once in a while.
For fuck's sake.
I mean, just a couple times a day.
You want to carve a little bit out of your day so fucking busy?
What's wrong with smothering your favorite podcast that we do for free with compliments up the wazoo?
Knowing that
one of the participants is
feeling like he's on cloud nine when he reads them.
Right.
It's the only thing keeping me away from drugs right now
is compliments.
I did tweet this or Instagram this today, Walt, the comparison in iTunes reviews.
In this corner, you have the nerdist at a 4.5-star rating.
And
In this corner, current heavyweight champ Telum Sup Dave with five stars.
Five out of what?
No, five out of five.
Wow, it's a perfect rating.
Yeah.
And I agree.
I agree.
Well, wait a second, Don.
Wait a minute.
They have almost 10,000.
Tell them.
Come on.
The nerdist has 10,000 reviews.
We have
like 2,600.
Yeah.
So
we need to work on getting some reviews, I guess.
We need to hire one of those
farms.
Yeah, one of those farms that will just bump us up so Hardwick takes notice and he's like, who are these young upstarts?
Yeah, young.
Couldn't like Nurtis be your older than him.
Your son?
I don't think he's that young.
He looks it.
Which is surprising, too, because he has like a public, he had a public
bout with alcoholism.
He thought he was out of the business.
Really?
Yeah, he was like, fuck it.
And he was just haggard.
Because he had a show.
Hardwick.
Hardwick.
He had a show on MTV.
He is the business, man.
He's the guy.
That's the thing about life is like, you never know what the fuck is going to happen.
You never know where it's going to go.
Usually it goes south.
But sometimes.
So he parlayed his podcast into hosting all these shows.
Yeah, I think so.
I think he started out.
What have we been doing?
I mean, he's done, I don't know, comic book man.
Well,
he really planted a flag early on that he was the go-to guy for pop culture geek stuff.
He has had a focus.
I can't tell you what Telm Steve Dave is about.
If we weren't
focused, what do you talk about?
I don't know.
I mean, anything we want?
Yeah.
That's not a real answer.
I like that.
That's kind of like Seinfeld-ish, right?
Yeah.
A show about nothing?
Yeah.
Yeah.
We're like the Seinfelder podcast.
Take that.
Chris Hardwick show.
Yeah.
I don't know if Chris Hardwick
engineers
storylines and, you know, you know what I mean?
Just tell them, Steve, Dave, engineer storylines?
No, yeah.
Some people make a couple of obvious
trial coming to night.
But you don't sit there and ask
people questions.
I think that's such a boring thing to do.
We have.
interview people, you mean?
Yeah.
Here and there.
We've done some interviews.
We've done some good interviews.
Yeah.
You know, Sargell.
Sargell E.T.
Nurtis never had them, did he?
Hardwick can't get him on the phone.
Mostly because Sargell doesn't have a phone.
He turned it all.
Cut off service years ago.
When his billing address was the vortex, ATT was like, fuck this.
Dave from Monster Magnet.
Yeah.
Joe Gatto, Salvocano.
Joey Fatone.
Fatone.
Come on.
All the people we already know.
Kevin Smith's been on.
You know who I want to interview?
Stan Lee.
I want to find out what Stan has been up to, you naughty boy.
You telling me we live in an era where
a 90-year-old man...
traditionally allowed to ass grab and get laughed off like that That can't happen.
This was, hold on a second here.
Let me do
some quick math.
All right.
The year is 2017.
Yeah.
Now, if you take minus 95 from that, the guy was born in 1922.
Right.
Come on.
Come on.
Well, I hear you if he was.
First of all, the new nursing company has come out and said that that is not our
experience with him.
They say he's nothing but polite and blah, blah, blah.
If he was saying weird stuff, I would be like, the guy's in his 90s.
Like, what are you fucking?
Don't even ask him questions.
Like, let the guy go.
But, you know,
I mean, if it was your girl and he was grabbing her ass, you'd be pretty pissed at Stanley.
Now, look here.
This is the
Marvel creator Stanley 95 faces more abuse allegations as Hotel Masseuse says he demanded sex and masturbated in front of her, but his lawyer says it's another shakedown.
Now, this Masseuse,
I'm sorry, I'm going to go against popular opinion here
and not believe the victim.
April 2017, and I will apologize publicly if I'm wrong.
April 2017, he demanded sex and masturbated in front of her when she refused.
Last year?
Less than a year ago.
I've been going to cons.
I've seen Stan at many cons.
I am not positive that they aren't shooting a sequel to Weekend at Bernie's.
Yeah, he doesn't, he looks like a cadaver that they have propped up and not even instructed to smile in pictures.
They're just like, just sit there.
If you can breathe on your own, we'll give you money.
Why he does it, I'm not sure.
But to say, like, give me sex, and then jerked off, I don't understand the whole jerking off thing.
It's like you can't just walk out of the room.
I just don't understand it.
What do you mean?
If, like, let's say he's getting a massage and and he's like, give me sex, and then he starts jerking off.
If I'm the massage or mature,
I don't know.
He masturbated in front of her.
The claim is a demand for money, and Lee's stellar good character will be defended.
Young female nurses complained he demanded oral sex from them, groped them, and walked around naked.
That sounds like everything my grandfather did when he was dying.
He demanded oral sex from me.
Demand it?
He got it.
My God.
Received it.
Yeah.
It's like, grandpa.
Yeah.
No, my grandfather said some weird shit towards the end that was not sexual in nature, but very weird things.
I would not be shocked if Stan was a little senile.
Sure.
At all.
If you're 95
and you're jerking off in front of
at all, let alone in front of people.
That's something.
That is something.
That's the most impressive in its
in a way, yeah.
Yeah.
Like if he did it, he's got to be in trouble.
But at the same time, if he did it at all,
it's amazing.
Well, how do you know
he wasn't a flaccid, though?
Is that considered masturbating?
Sure.
It's just floppy.
Because I'm masturbating right now.
I can't see my ass just tugging on my
flaccid, useless cuck.
Just punching it.
Work, work, yeah.
But right?
I mean,
45 years older than you.
I mean, just because
there's been no reporting that he was actually erect, so he may have just been a flaccid 95-year-old.
Right.
So, does that make is that is there a difference there?
No, no, not at all.
It still is,
it's still alarming.
It's still,
I bet you it's not all that uncommon either.
My mother worked at a nursing home, and people are constantly walking around naked and doing weird shit that like, because they're out of it.
I'm telling you, Stan is out of it.
I've seen him a couple times.
No, I saw him at Comic-Con this year, and I was like, he's out of shit.
Yeah, I was like, he's, it was right, it was like two weeks after his wife died, and he was at Comic-Con, and I was like, oh, my God, this guy really.
But he's just clearly a 95-year-old man.
I don't know that he has.
I don't know.
I don't know.
But he's also been like, he has a history of like, when we know he was all together, of being
like one of the nicest guys on the planet.
Really nice guy, super into his wife as well.
Yeah, he loved his wife a lot.
He's on record over the years of being miles ahead of
society in terms of progression and stuff like that.
He's had 95 years to prove himself a dickhead and he hasn't done it once.
Let's say he did do it.
To me, I'd be like, it might be something loose upstairs.
At 95, like this guy goes through fucking almost 100 years.
Especially if he's tugging on a flaccid cock.
Well, we don't know that.
I don't want to paint a picture that
he was flaccid just
stan text him later he's like what the right
he did it he sent the picture of his heart on the wall
yeah if if stan sent you a picture of his of him erect he's like this is the way i do
like
would you feel like you should turn him in
um no i wouldn't turn him in you know um i'm not saying only because of what he i'm not saying anybody else should follow this but you know for what he is uh gifted to my world,
he could send me raunchy pictures and I would just ignore him.
What if he tweeted you and he's like, hashtag Walt Flasigden?
Like, he started coming at you with the flaccid stuff.
I think again,
the debt I owe him,
I would have to just
both.
I wouldn't fight back.
I would be maybe annoyed.
I would be kind of pissy.
Everybody else would feel my fucking anger.
Kidd and Mike would pay for
transgressions.
But I would have to.
I would have to just bite my tongue and kind of just
let it happen.
If it happened for another six, eight months, maybe a year, I would change my number.
If it was proven without a shadow of a doubt that he
was of sound mind and had, like, his wife dies and he turns into a monster.
All this has been in act him looking like he's dead.
Right.
Like, like, you know how they cancel House of Cards and you're yanking all these, like, they're canceling TV shows.
Right.
Does Marvel
then
have a moral obligation to pull every character he ever created?
Oh, no, but no, because then they'd be left with like Jubilee.
And
we've always
Wolverine.
Right.
As a society, though, haven't we decided that when somebody does that, all their work instantly becomes garbage?
Yeah.
But Disney
got a house of cards, that motherfucker.
Disney would, I don't think, could they would they would skillfully walk the minefield and do what was needed to be done while still being able to cash in.
But we agree in a fair and all things being even,
if it was true, they should.
According to the pattern that's being set by society today, if somebody is accused of sexual misdeeds, all their work is null and void and thrust out the window, it's worth $23 billion, which is what they've made from those movie franchises or whatever, to say no.
I don't think so.
I see you could make the argument, though, that since Stanley wasn't solely responsible for creating those characters,
that you cannot punish the co-creators
because of his actions.
What about
the cast of House of Cards, the writers?
Didn't they carry on to the show without it?
No, they didn't.
I thought they did.
They were going to film without the guy.
They were going to, and then they canceled it.
Yeah.
It's gone.
And they've canceled all these shows.
I don't think you can compare the House of Cards to the X-Men or the Fantastic Four or The Amazing Spider-Man.
The House of Cards is
a flea compared to.
I agree.
So then what you're saying is that some things are just too big
to be allowed to
adhere to the same rules.
Too big to fail.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I see where you're trying to corner me here.
Yep.
And my eyes are darting around.
I'm talking about boxes.
I don't think, though, that you can just remove those characters from the public eye and from the landscape of pop culture.
I just don't think it's possible.
I think it's almost ridiculous to even try to attempt such a feat.
It just would not happen.
I mean,
there's realism and household cards you can remove
from the landscape, and no one gives a fuck.
There's other things.
I did.
I wanted to see what was going on.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, there are.
I shouldn't say that, but there's going to be some fans who are disappointed, but
you can't remove that from our fabric.
It's impossible to remove.
That's like removing
like Hercules from Greek mythology.
It's not possible.
And you know, they did some crappy shit, too.
I think everybody's done crappy shit.
But so
I agree with you, but I wonder what...
So it's just a matter of.
Well, it's how anyone explains away something when it doesn't fit whatever narrative they've constructed.
They would just find a way.
Right.
I don't think that's it.
Oh, it's bad, but it's not that bad.
It's not.
What is it, man?
What is it that makes people want to call out other people non-stop and like
not just call them out, but
remember all those praises you got last week?
You ever feeling so good?
You're not going to get it this week if you go down this road that you go down every fucking single other week.
Let's go, man.
Come on, stay, keep that vehicle
on the path of praise.
And like, you guys are the best.
Why do you think we brought Dexter?
Easier to keep an eye on you.
The right opinions must be expressed.
Now,
I saw the universal praise to the episode last week.
Complete 100%
accolades.
You follow that up.
You know how you're saying you don't know why?
You follow up that episode this week with something raw and honest.
So I should keep saying what I'm saying.
No, no, no, no.
Raw, honest, but personal.
Personal.
I was wondering if you guys had anything.
I do.
I'm ready to put a fucking bullet in my head if I can't get
time away from taking care of a child and trying to do everything else.
Like, it is fucking insane.
I've never had more respect for single moms in my life.
Really?
Dude, I'm a single mom.
Yeah, you are.
It's fucking crazy.
Can I ask something and not even be phone around?
What is everything else that you got to take care of, though?
Everything around the house, trying to get shit put in order.
I do a lot.
I know, like, the joke is that I don't do anything, but I do a lot.
I really do.
Like, you can laugh all you want.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
I'm not laughing at.
I'm not laughing.
I'm laughing that, like, could we please have, like, that, like, that be one of the clips?
I do a lot.
It sounded like a single mom.
Yeah, yeah, you did.
Like, you know, trying to.
I'm way more than anyone with the fucking
to me, man.
It's getting to me.
Look at what them pills.
Mother's little helper.
I have had her all.
I don't know.
I need something to fucking calm me down so I'm not ready to put my fucking fist through a wall.
What is it?
It's just
doing everything for this kid.
Yeah.
Okay.
How long is she in school?
From 8 until 2:30.
That's a long time.
I drop her off at 8, and then she comes home at 2.30.
Then the rest of the time, I'm doing shit for her.
If I'm not doing stuff around the house, taking care of bills, trying to get.
I mean, you saw the way the place is.
It's a non-stop, like, now I got to do this, now I got to fix that kind of thing.
I know what you need.
I know what you need.
Double the utterall?
No.
I mean,
it would be a nightmare to do it just because, just because you need someone to take care of it, but
you need a wife.
Oh,
I don't know.
So
I'm doing applications for a spouse.
It sounds like that, because that's what, because I got so much free time because I got a wife.
It's like, I don't have to, I never had to worry about that stuff.
She's overworked.
I'll tell you what.
When I went to their place on Christmas Eve, I mentioned this in passing to Debbie.
She's like, you've got no idea.
Yeah.
I got a guy who's still coasting off putting an S hook on the pole from fucking eight years ago.
Well, it's like eating a fall guy.
Get a human shield.
Oh, my God.
And it's not just like, it's, okay, it's a special needs.
I can't even argue it.
That's just, yeah, it is.
It's, yeah, you need someone that wants to take, you need someone with big, broad shoulders.
So a dude wife.
No, I don't mean literally broad.
I mean broad shoulders in figuratively.
Right.
Someone who can handle shit.
Yeah, gets
she bring home the bacon bun and
fried up in a pan.
Yeah, that's what you need.
Let me lay around and get fat like I used to.
That's exactly what I need.
You're right.
Why don't you hire someone?
Who's in?
Who's in?
Why don't you hire someone?
I'm going to.
I'm going to talk to Walt's wife.
Yeah, he might be hiring my daughter.
Really?
Yeah.
We talked about it.
Now I'm going to
be on a personal level.
I can't take.
I don't have enough time to, like, personal, like, just
time to say.
For me, me time.
Yeah.
No brie time.
It's a little Calgon.
It's a Calgon.
I'm like the mother in a Christmas story.
Like, I haven't had a fucking hot meal in six months.
I'm going to kill myself.
But it's a a special needs kid.
And on top of it, she's like, she's about to turn 12.
So she's getting teenagery.
Right.
Oh, my fucking God.
Lies right to my face.
And I'm like, I know you're lying.
I tell her, I know you're lying.
She's like, no, I'm not.
I'm like, well, when you're sitting there, I'm going to say it like that.
She raised by like two masterful liars.
And now that she does it.
I'm like, no, this kid turned out like this.
The only thing saving her soul is a healthy special needs.
Like some kind of
home metal fixer.
I don't know.
They used to do great things with electricity.
Now, I'm going to be brutally raw and honest.
That's what this episode is all about.
Not impersonal.
All right.
I'm not sure.
The daughter we're talking about, I think loves to be around kids.
But I'm not sure.
She's got a thing against retards.
Bruleon,
that might not work.
No, I'm just not sure if she
is
aware of the
difference between, because she's worked with kids in the summertime.
I'm not sure if she's aware of the difference between working with a special needs child and
the children she's worked with in the past.
I don't know if she's aware.
I think that she could do it, but I could see,
I know she's got a lot of her dad in her.
Okay.
Doesn't like to drive, still not driving really.
Doesn't talk to people a lot easily.
Like, do you live near a Kentucky fried chicken?
She's not a super smeller.
Right.
She didn't get that trait passed down to her.
She'll eat all sorts of like weird concoctions.
Alicia's sure.
Alicia's super smeller.
Alicia definitely, she's got it.
She's got the gift.
But yeah, so I don't want she could give it a shot, but yeah, I don't know.
I would be, it'd be interesting to see if how she would perform.
I think the biggest thing for anyone watching her is like you sort of have to learn her language a little bit.
Like at first, you'd be like, what the fuck is she saying?
But then in time, you sort of get to know what she's talking about.
Yeah, well, that just takes time.
Yeah.
Also, she shits her pants constantly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So
maybe Walt's daughter, but definitely, if not somebody else.
I can't do it.
Like,
you want to be brutal and raw enough?
Yeah, I want it.
Let's hear it.
She has a mother.
She has a sister.
She has a brother.
Never, ever are like, hey, do you want me to do this?
Because she goes to Special Olympics bowling every week.
It's on a Wednesday,
four o'clock, right in the middle of the day.
That's what I miss the most.
It's like, I can't leave and just go somewhere and like work on stuff.
Like, can you go to the bowling alley?
I almost sent you.
If the internet didn't suck so bad, they're like that for whatever reason, I guess because of the steel and shit.
I want to send you two pictures.
I could not believe how many fucking people were in this bowling alley.
200, maybe?
Whoa.
Every lane is packed.
They got these bowling, these high school bowling teams, and then they got the special needs on one end sectioned off so they don't attack anyone.
They have just regular league stuff at the other end.
It's a whole fucking thing.
So, it's too much.
And I forgot my bows.
I forgot my headphones.
And it's also only an hour.
How much can I get into something in an hour?
And then every two seconds.
And that's the thing.
Like at home, it's like every fucking couple seconds or minutes, it's like, da-da, da-da.
Like, I need this.
I need this.
And I don't want to, like, I don't get mad.
I don't get resentful, but it's like, it's fucking exhausting.
You know, it's like, what the fuck?
Like, so that's what I'm like, slowly.
I'm trying to, like, get her to do shit that she can easily do
by herself.
How does she bowl?
She actually bowled.
You know what?
The other day, there was a high school team right next to us, and they're cheering like crazy because the kid, I guess he got a spare, picked up a spare or whatever.
And I looked at his score, and it was 133.
Whoa.
Sage bowled a 130.
Well, she is the bumpers.
She's the bumpers, but still.
I'm like...
Bumpers are huge, though.
Not for the way she throws this ball.
Just like with two hands.
Like, on three separate occasions, she's thrown it over the bumper into the gutter.
So it gets like, boom, it gets wedged together.
Because the bumper can mean the difference between a 130 and a zero.
Right, yeah.
But if I was a high school kid, bumpers are not.
I'd be like, I don't know.
It's not a testament to how awesome Sage is.
It's a testament to how shitty this kid is.
But they're all like, go, you.
You can do it.
You're so bad shitty because you did 130?
Yeah, 130 is not good for a bowling team.
I've never broke 100.
You're 100.
Me neither.
Well, you're
not.
You broke 100.
You were on a bowling team.
You had potential before you turned your back on the team.
I could have been a contender.
It could have been somebody.
I didn't turn my back on the team.
You were a two-horseman, you know, became two one night when you just wouldn't show up anymore.
I don't remember it like that.
In fact, I remember it being you.
Yeah, but so anyway, it's like,
hey, it's taken me a while.
But
you can grow, right?
Single moms.
I never really thought about it much.
Well.
Until you became a single mom dad.
Yeah.
How the fuck did this happen?
How did this happen to me?
This shouldn't be.
I don't know.
Well, no.
If you didn't do this,
somebody marry me, please.
My life would have sucked.
Yeah.
You know, you got to keep that in mind.
Like, she'd fucking not be living a good life if you didn't take this sacrifice upon yourself.
Yeah.
Like, today is like, I had to take her to, in the morning, I had to take her for a neurological appointment then later I had to take her to a different appointment and then
There's nobody to watch her so I have to drive her to Pam and Edgar's so they can watch her while I do this It's like it's the entire day is taken up by these little things that like you have no stretch of time.
Right.
You know every every
mom
is just right now who's listening is just shaking her head like no shit.
Their fucking pussies are wet, you mean?
Well,
said Ron, honestly.
no yeah no shit Sherlock yeah but I just why would I think about it but is there an like because a single mother knows at a certain point this kid's gonna grow up and be more interested in their friends and be out of the house like what is the arc of
insurance payoff I already know where you're going no like like you know what I mean like when does does that happen with Sage or I don't think so I mean
like are you gonna be 80 at one point And she's going to be like, I hope not.
In her 40s, like, still living down the hall asking for milk and shit like that?
I don't know.
I mean,
you didn't think it through.
Not when she was two.
No.
It wasn't like, so how long am I in for?
I think that I don't know about independent living, but again, she's only 12.
Yeah.
But like, she just got her.
I was upstairs yesterday and she got out a half day and the bus drops her off.
And I just hear pounding on the door because I didn't realize I had locked it, pounding, da-da-da!
Da-da-da!
Like she's pounding on the door, like she's got to knock the goddamn door down.
And uh, so after that, we took a ride to the hardware store.
We got her her own key, so now she has a key that she carries around with her.
She's really excited.
She let herself in and out of the house.
Okay, uh, she's pretty good at like hanging out and doing things on her own, but within that, I would say five times an hour.
And that's why I can't like sit down and write or anything when she's there because it's like, bang,
like you're interrupted, and then you got to go do something, you know.
Uh,
maybe, like, uh,
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know if
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
today.
Was particularly rough, yeah.
I don't know.
Uh,
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Oh, it's interesting.
If I make it to 80, though, I'm definitely fucking jerking off with a flaccid cocket aimed at Masus.
Aaron did it at that point, I guess.
Yeah.
Did you see this Chelsea Handler thing, Q?
No, I don't know the name.
You don't care about Chelsea Handler.
I do fuck it then.
Shithole countries.
Well, plenty of people said Trump has stolen from us.
The President of the United States stole your bit.
Oh, what happened with Chelsea Manning?
Chelsea, no, Chelsea Handler.
Oh, Handler.
Who may as well be Chelsea Manning?
Oh, I don't know.
Yeah, I guess she wrote a tweet to,
Dexter, you probably know about this.
You're on the cutting edge of Hollywood and shit, right?
Chelsea Handler tweeted a homophobic tweet, allegedly,
saying, which, yeah, it's not really that surprising, right?
That, what the fuck, I just had it.
I didn't get back in the press.
She's trying to be controversial.
Yeah,
she did have a Netflix show, which I guess got canceled.
I have personally never found her funny.
She
has taken lumps for getting a show, and I believe it was Comedy Central when her boyfriend or whatever was president of the company.
So some would say nepotism, which I'm firmly against.
Is there not anything that gets your dander up more than nepotism?
Oh, yeah, lots of stuff.
Oh, you should have said no.
No, I hate nepotism.
So why?
Would you like to say something?
No, she got slammed for a homophobic anti-Trump tweet questioning Lindsey Graham's sexuality.
Who's Lindsey Graham?
Now, I got to be honest.
I thought Lindsey Graham was a girl.
I did not know who that was.
A vulgar homophobic.
South Carolina senator.
Senator.
South Carolina senator.
Dude.
Let's see.
This was her tweet.
Holy fuck, fuck.
I just saw the video of Trump's bipartisan, quote, meeting, end quote, yesterday.
Handler tweeted, hey, Lindsey Graham, at Lindsey Graham, what kind of dick-sucking video do they have on you to be acting like this?
Wouldn't coming out be more honorable?
Why is that homophobic?
But why is that homophobic?
He's never said that he's gay, nor alluded to it, I guess.
She's not saying being gay is a bad thing.
She's saying a guy like him would think that being gay is a bad thing.
Like, that doesn't seem like she is hateful, being angry towards gays.
That seems like.
Well, what kind of dick-sucking video do they have on saying that he's closeted and sucking dick?
Yeah, but the reason he's closeted,
which is generally seen as pejorative.
Yeah, but
he's the type of guy, I don't know anything about him, I'm just assuming he's a girl.
He's kind of a girl into the game.
That strikes me as her saying,
I know that you, Lindsay, whatever your name is,
wouldn't want, wouldn't, yeah, like, like, would not want people to know that about you.
Right.
That's why she has a dick-sucking video.
To say, look, you could be female and somebody could have a dick-sucking video about you that you don't want out.
That's why I didn't think it was a big deal at first, because I did think it was a female.
Oh, yeah.
So, you know what I'm saying?
Like, nobody wants a video.
I don't want a video of me going down on decks coming out.
You know, he threatens to pay me after week.
You know what I mean?
I wouldn't want any.
If I was going down at some girl, I wouldn't want a video of that out.
Hey, but it wouldn't ruin your career, though.
It wouldn't.
No, it would only increase his fucking coinage, right?
Oh, my gosh.
Would you imagine?
It would be absolutely the thing that sends you into
Kardashian stratospheres.
You think it would do better than Victor Crowley, now available on Amazon?
I think it would do better than Victor Crowley.
That's nothing against Adam, but
I think it would be the muff diving video.
Oh, my God.
It would be something that
would be like taking a rocket ship to.
Do you think anybody would care?
I mean, a certain amount of people would care.
To Superstar LeBron James.
And who's the hottest thing on the planet right now?
Lil' Bellwow.
Oh, it would definitely because it would make you
street cred.
It would would make you
Don Juanish.
More Don Juanish.
It would just be.
I don't think so.
You're crazy.
I don't get it.
I love that you're playing that.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm not playing.
I'm not doing some weird, humble shit.
I'm saying, like, I think people,
there's not that thing where it's just like if a woman comes out and there's a video of her sucking some dude off, you're like, there's a whole...
Careful.
There's a whole like.
Don't be sexist, Q.
Nope.
There is a whole sexist thing out there that judges that.
Whereas I think people would be like, well, we assume he's he's fucking going down on chick
there's nothing to shame him about right but the fact that you're but i think it would get the views the the um
i assume it's on a free you're not selling it um that's you have you met brian quick i'd love to introduce you why aren't i selling it
but i think it was
i think that bump would be absolutely insane i don't think so i i don't think so because if it was you and another celeb, forget about it.
Well, it depends on who she's the other celeb.
It doesn't matter.
I'm telling you right now, if somebody's a grandmother, take someone who's like,
now video me blowing Lindsay Grandma.
Probably be here many, many times.
But like, if, like, pick any male celebrity who is like a Seth Rogan.
Seth Rogan's.
Right.
Way more successful than me, way more well-known, blah, blah, blah.
If a video came out of him going down at some girl, I wouldn't even want to ask her.
He's already there already.
He's already
there.
He's already there already.
You need something to push you from B plus to.
No, I don't.
I don't.
I don't want it.
I don't want it.
I would like to redact all videos
of me, including 200 episodes of television.
And if you were like,
which I assume you would not have to be putting on any airs, like if you were like just like textbook,
like more than textbook.
Like you were like, you were like
beast mode.
Like I was getting a little ass eaten in there, too.
I was all the fringes.
Boss level touches.
To the point where it's like, you know, like people on the street are like,
you know how you do it?
You do it like this.
Oh, yeah.
And then he just turns to the camera.
He's gone.
He's like, who's that?
Like, knocks the goddamn camera over.
I'm not pussy crazy.
What nuts?
Yeah, your eyes aren't quite coordinated.
Giant fucking boner staring at the camera's night vision.
So my eyes are all shiny and my lips are all shit.
I look like a fucking raccoon at night.
Whose pussy is next?
You know what?
Hi, Smell.
That video would go nuts.
Yeah.
But I would do it with shirtless, but with your pants on because that would be...
This way you don't have to have the...
Like pajama pants or like
jeans.
Yeah, jeans.
It'll look good.
Ripped and everything.
Do I have to take my shirt off?
I made you halfway to the tank top.
Let's just keep my shirt on.
I don't know.
And I'm not kidding i think it would be
i don't know i don't know if it would propel you to that but it would be it would be pretty big it may not propel you to a-list but it would at least make people be like well that's
but because when a sex tape comes out you're totally right it's like if it's like a famous dude and a no-name lady yeah you really don't care right as a guy if it's a famous
lady yeah then or even if they're not famous could you
could you like your sex tape and Ray J piss on you halfway through?
Like Kim Kardashian.
Ray J pissed on Kim Kardashian?
No, that wasn't him.
That was a different rapper.
I thought Ray J pissed on him.
No, it wasn't.
Hold on, let me know.
R.
Kelly was okay.
Yeah, that's it.
Well, I know, I know R.
Kelly.
Well, he was pissed on underage girls and he got off on a technicality, right?
Something like that.
But yet, there is somebody out there that's still like, I fucking love, I love R.
Kelly.
He's got a cult now.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah, like somebody's
a kid was.
Let's see.
Did Ray J
urinate?
Would you take it for Kim Kardashian levels of
fame?
No.
It's not a guy.
It's not Ray Jay.
It's a girl.
It's a female equivalent.
It's Lil Kim.
Wait, why is she pissing on me just for the video so that people notice me?
Well, you're trying to go to A-lister stuff.
You don't tell the other jokers because they'll still salt and pepper.
They feel your ugly skin.
Wait, what?
How the fuck did that come out?
I don't know.
I don't want nothing to do with that.
I'd have to say yes to that.
Salt wanted to pee on me.
Yeah, they're like, Ms.
Salt would like to talk to you.
And you were summoned to her mansion.
Okay.
And
so you get there, and she's talking to you in her study.
And she's like, I want to go viral with something.
I was thinking.
I don't think that would help.
I think that would be hurtful to his career.
Me getting peed on?
Yeah, Yeah, I think that's just too weird.
I think just normal,
healthy sex would be the key.
You're going to go on record to sing
salt pissing all over Korea would not help his career.
Oh, yeah.
We can just cross that one off.
I don't think it would at all.
I think it'd be very detrimental to your career.
A little distracting when you're watching Bradley's Joker.
That's the guy.
Fucking.
Honey, who peed on this guy?
Was it salt or pepper?
I can never remember.
It was one of them.
CLC, I thought.
Left eye, right?
No, no, she's been gone for a while.
Don't go to cheese and brotherfully.
Right.
Suddenly nobody's laughing because I was trying to figure out who pissed down my gullet.
It seems like, you know what?
It seems like
there's some dissension on the internet.
Some people are saying Kim Kardashian says Ray J did not pee on me.
Why did you think it was?
Because I think I heard that at one time that somebody was like, oh, she got peed on.
Well, I don't want to pee shame her.
She likes to get peed on, get peed on.
What the fuck?
Why not?
If you're going to be ashamed by anything, all the rest of the shit that happened in the video,
you could be ashamed by that.
If you're not ashamed by that, then why would you be ashamed by getting peed on me?
Because
that's deviant behavior, though.
I don't think so.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't care if it does sound like you're in shame.
Yeah, you can
specialize behavior.
I give you that, but some people are.
You don't think
it wouldn't fall under the category of deviant?
Well, deviant has a negative connotation to it.
I guess technically, yes.
You call it like it is, don't you?
But you can't buy the textbook.
I don't think it's negative.
You can't call like
two consenting adults peeing on each other the same as a guy who's molesting a child, which is also considered deviant.
Right.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
It's a deviant trait.
You have a recessive deviant G and Q.
I don't think it's negative at all to have that in you, to have be like
turned on by someone.
Is it all waste or just that?
Would it give the crossover into other waste?
Is that still?
I don't have a problem with anything that two consulting adults do that don't hurt that don't hurt people.
If two people want to fucking
deuce on each other, if people want to shit all over each other, I mean, go right ahead.
What about a rainbow show or some vomit play?
If they want to, if they want to do it, look, it ain't my bag.
But
if your friend came out and said, you're like, hey, man, what's wrong with your face?
Not at all.
Like, I came in, I had a little bit of a hair.
Wait, they didn't shower?
I had some carrots in my hair.
Sorry, I mean.
The look on my face would be concerned, not like why, why?
Because he's so out of it that I can't fucking take
vomit out of his beard because you're the one that said you had carrots in your beard.
It's not him.
We know it's not him.
Although he's protesting like crazy, so who knows?
Too much?
Yeah, a little bit.
A little bit too loudly.
Yeah, I don't know why
when it came to
the normal stuff was too tame that we had to go into fucking gonzo fucking
mental institution.
I don't think it's a new development, man.
I think that has always been going on.
It's always been there, but you can just talk about it more now.
Well, what about that fuck, Marquis de Sade?
Was he the one?
Yeah, he wrote books about it, about people fucking each other in.
And wasn't he also
insane?
I don't think so.
I think he got arrested because of his behavior, but that doesn't make him insane.
That's not right.
You know?
All right, let's look up Marquis de Sade.
No, this fucking old school motherfucker.
Oh, yeah, he was way back in the day.
French, too, his fucking French.
That's because, I mean,
he was pulling this shit back in, he died in 1814.
Yeah, so I'm saying, I don't think this is.
He's an old school gangster.
I'm sure it's older than that, man.
I'm sure.
Yeah, there was some caveman that got bored, and he's like, hey, you want to try this shit?
There's no way.
Caveman didn't have time to be bored.
Maybe.
They're fighting all those
pterodactyls and stuff.
Trying to just stay alive.
Trying to get some pterodactyl piss.
There's no way that
they were so like, you know, oh, what do you want to do?
You want to try this?
No, man.
They're trying to find fucking shelter and fire.
Yeah.
We haven't invented fire yet.
Can stop pissing all over me until I get this fucking fire lit.
It seems Marquis Desaud,
I'll bet you what got him in trouble is this blasphemy against Christianity.
Oh, yeah.
He was a proponent of extreme freedom, unrestrained by morality, religion, or law.
So a nihilist, basically, right?
I don't know.
There's something to be said for that.
Right?
Do whatever you want.
As long as you're not hurting somebody, just do whatever the fact.
That's how I feel.
It might be completely disgusting, and people probably don't want to hear about it.
Probably.
No, some people do.
Some fecal freaks, you know.
Like, if somebody's like, hey, man, like
I took a shit on somebody, and the other person is like, really?
Awesome.
So blunt.
I thought it was raw and honest.
What are we doing here?
Praise that.
You could use
different words to not be so
doo-doo.
Crude.
Yeah, well, you're going to have to deal.
I'm fine with it.
I don't know.
You wouldn't want to hear it then, Walt.
No.
I'm like, ooh, you want to hear about last night?
I never want to hear about last night.
I'm not interested in anybody's last night.
No?
Nope.
Yeah, me neither.
You don't care, huh?
I like hearing that kind of stuff.
Yeah?
I like, yeah, like, I think that average people, people who consider themselves average or normal or don't have anything to say, a lot of times really have way more to say than you think.
They don't.
Than they think.
Well, maybe I should.
You have to do a little probing.
You have to ask the right questions.
Coming in here, no.
I was talking about myself.
Oh, like I'm talking about at the counter in a retail thing.
Like, no,
this is not shit you want to hear normally.
But a lot of people with the slightest bit of...
of a nudge have something that you're like, wow, that's pretty fucked up, or that's interesting.
There's probably embellishment going on, though.
I don't know.
I find that people are normally not prone to do that when you're asking.
Not lying.
I said embellishing.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
I know the difference.
Thank you, Professor Webster.
That's what I find anyway.
There are pretty interesting stories in everyday shit that people don't think are interesting.
That I agree with.
I just don't want to hear it at this point in my life.
That's, I think, what I'm saying.
Yeah.
Not Not that I wouldn't find it interesting, but it's like I really just don't want to talk to anybody at all.
At all, huh?
Let alone about
their fecal matters.
That you wouldn't want to hear, huh?
Like, Sal comes in.
Oh, Sal, I would.
That I would be interested to hear.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I don't think that sounds bad.
That's derma focus.
From what I've heard over the years, yeah.
I would say that.
Did you read about this shithole country thing, Walt?
I I yeah, someone sent me the link that um you know, that the
uh
tell him Steve Dave makes the world takes was the title and I had to click on it and it was
Trump uh
it it was uh reported, not it's not on audio, where he was uh he was at a cabinet meeting and he he uh pondered to his uh cabinet, why why do we have so many people coming from all these shithole countries?
Why is that a real question?
It's like because they're shitholes
Well, this is like my point is like, well,
that doesn't mean that they're shitholes.
The people?
Yeah, like, what does it make a difference where they come from?
Well, I think
if you get people,
immigrants from a country that's pretty uncivilized to
sort of come here and try to assimilate into the culture and shit is more difficult than if you come from, say, a first world country.
Sure, I get that.
Like, they have a different...
It's not impossible.
No, it's not impossible.
I'm just saying, like, I wouldn't consider the people shitholes if they're from a shithole.
No.
That's all.
No.
He's saying that why can't we get more
people from countries like Norway?
It's like, well, because it's fucking Norway, bro.
They don't want to leave Norway because it's awesome.
Yeah, it's like, why do we get so many people from the Ivory Coast and none from England?
You just answered your own question.
Would you,
if you're a President Q, do you put a ban on all shithole countries, Q?
What do you mean, a ban people from it?
Yeah, they can't.
Nobody can.
Yeah.
Wait a second.
The White House denied similarly derogatory remarks in December when the New York Times reported that Trump said during a meeting that people coming from Haiti all have AIDS, that Nigerian immigrants would never go back to their huts in Africa, and that Afghanistan is a terrorist haven.
One of those three is probably true.
I'm thinking it's the last one.
I don't know, but do you do you believe stuff like this now it's like a source says a source says unless it's on audio i mean why even bother with what stan says a source a source said that uh stan pretends to be enfeebled and uh he's much more with it than you think it's like no
unless he's pretending at the cons
he's not that's just the that's just the fucking that's what a 95 year old guy looks like yeah you know
i don't know i don't know i don't care I don't know, dude.
I want to talk more about water sports.
All right.
You know?
What do you got, Walt?
Anything?
Nothing?
Yeah, I did have something.
I mean, I don't know.
You always want something to talk about.
Oh, wait.
If this comes out before the 21st, I think, pretty sure the 21st.
Scummin' Villainy Katina.
Live show, right?
Nasty as you guys want to be.
Nasty as we want to be.
We're going to be talking about Ray J pissing all over various people.
That is.
Mike and Ming pissing all over whomever.
And then Astronomicon of February 9th to 11th
in
fuck, wherever it is.
Sterling Heights, Michigan.
What do you guys
now?
If you promise nasty
and you don't deliver.
Well, it's as nasty as we want to be.
So if we don't want to be nasty or we don't want to be that nasty, I think that's...
I think that's why Ming phrased it like that, just in case
we're not feeling nasty.
I think his idea of nasty for whatever reason is telling behind-the-scenes stories of comic book men, in which I'm not trying to discourage ticket sales, but I mean,
there aren't, I mean, unless it involves me, like during season two, I can't.
Yeah, there's not a lot of drama.
I don't think, yeah, there's not that much drama.
I mean,
I can maybe try to remember jokes I told that were too awful for them to air.
Yeah.
But other than that, yeah, I don't know that there's all that much drama.
I don't really recall any drama.
Like if the joker has told them as nasty as they want to be, Tor.
Yeah.
That'd be a far different, probably tail spun.
It's just a video of QE and Pussy.
Yeah, like
it seems like there's not that much behind the scenes, like, this was too raw and too hot for TV type shit.
Us?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, there is.
Is there?
Yeah, you could recut that show to be like a total fucking X-rated show.
Skinemax.
We do shit all the time just to fuck with each other that we know doesn't make it on air.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
We do that all the time.
Is there an archive?
There's a better show than the one we release that will never be released.
It's true.
I feel that way about us, too.
I think there could be people, or at least a way more offensive show.
Well, yeah, yeah, wait,
Let's clarify.
It would be exactly the same in terms of quality.
Except that you would be saying shit that would get you fired.
That's the only difference that show would be than the one that would say air.
It's the way that we fucking save your ass to let you stay on the show.
You're probably right.
It's more accurate.
I have a couple of things.
Here are some TSD notes that I've been that I have from time to time.
Little things I try to remind myself of maybe we should talk about.
I don't know if you knew this person or you weren't definitely weren't around when I told this story, but early on in Tell Him Steve Dave History, there was an emergency episode
about
a postal worker.
Yeah.
Susan, Susan?
Yeah, yeah.
Susan, yeah.
We did that episode before going to a hockey game one day, and you weren't around.
You weren't going to hockey game, so we recorded it.
Yeah, I remember.
And it was the story about how this how Ming stood up for this
woman who worked at the post office.
And I was pretty upirate by that.
Instead of taking my side, he took the side of some faceless,
not nameless, though, because we do her name,
personally.
Or faceless because you knew who she was.
With heavy heart, I am here to
report that that Susan from the post office passed away.
Whoa.
He was so broken up about it, I imagine.
Look at that reaction.
He got the whoa out of it.
Because in my mind, she was like in her 40s.
I think she was.
I think she was.
I think she was.
Right, so then that's obviously an early, like an early death.
Yeah, an early death, a very tragic
death.
I heard she had some issues, some things that led to a heart, like one of a lot of miles
on the treads.
Well, it didn't sound like she was a very relaxed woman.
It sounded like she was a hair trigger.
Yeah, that'll do it.
That'll do it.
That'll put you in early grave.
Early triggers.
So you won, I guess.
You outlasted her.
Is that winning?
Yes.
So, yeah.
Due to like a coronary or stress-related shit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't know.
Is it a heavy heart?
When you heard?
I don't imagine you celebratory, but I do imagine you laugh.
I was just like, really?
Because an employee of the post office informed me of that.
She was still alive.
And when I found out, I was kind of like, I felt a little bit of guilt.
Did you?
Because I don't know.
I wonder how much of that podcast
put her in a grave early.
She went to her grave in like a podcast that has exceeded Chris Hardwick in terms of stars and I
belittled me.
Did this put her on the path?
Like,
was it at the beginning of the end?
Well, it was years ago.
Right, but apparently, you know, this postal employee told me
from that moment on, like, things went like majorly
south for her.
Am I being led to believe that she heard that episode?
No, no.
But if that incident,
there was the dominoes fell from that incident.
Okay.
Taken off the counter.
Didn't she just tell you that nobody comes into this store?
And that was the incident?
But she treated me shabbily
in a way that was
very public and very
people and my yelling back at her, I think, have her removed from counter work.
They're like, that fucking loser from the store that no one goes to cowed you.
You do not deserve to work a counter anymore.
Get the fuck in the back.
But apparently, you know, that was the beginning of her transition away from the counter, not to work in the public, to being transferred out of that installation that breadback.
To the unemployment line to transferring
and like taking demotion, demotion, demotion to now
is this conjecture or
you have this on record.
I have this on record.
A source told me from a source that
it was a downward spiral.
Well, that's her fault.
If I could have just if I could have kept it in check though, maybe she'd be alive right now.
I visited her grave and on her tombstone it said, I wish I never got pwned.
I certainly didn't pwn anybody.
What she should have, like, she set you straight and sent you on your way.
No, but she definitely took me aback.
I was never, I was not prepared for such, you know, such
ferocity
of me just asking where a package was.
And, you know, and, you know, I get it.
Like I said, I recounted to you guys, like, I thought I was, I thought the public would be on my side when I started going after her.
And everybody was like on her side.
Not me.
Including me.
Well,
in the people in the post office, the people who are waiting in line like sheep, yeah, were like looking at me
as if I was a jerk for yelling at her.
Well, the only reason they looked at you as a jerk is because they wanted you to fucking leave so they can go and get out of there.
Like, they don't have the package, asshole, get the fuck out of here.
That's the way I would.
That's exactly how I would be.
I would be like, just fucking whatever it was, order it again.
I don't give a fuck.
I'd be like, look, I agree with you in theory, but like, I've this one, in practicality, yeah,
come on, it's all you
get my back, man.
This is how, like, this is how things change.
Things don't change
if you just walk out of there with your tail between your legs.
Yep.
Well, it certainly changed.
You killed her.
Jonah Mark over here.
Well, I don't know.
I wouldn't say I killed her.
I mean, I just feel that like, would her, would things have turned out differently if we didn't have that argument?
Yes.
Yeah, I think so too.
In maybe the most immeasurable way, where she had just
a little bit less bullshit to her day, but she was a fucking bitch.
there there's no two ways about it like the way she treated you when you were like hey where's the package and she gives you a bunch of shit and then goes on to impugn the fucking reputation of the store tried to emasculate me she yeah she fucking neutered you right in front of a bunch of people who are then like yeah get out you balless homo
she did it to herself man i had nothing to do with it but i did but i certainly didn't want her to die seven years later no you know what i'm not not only am i glad she's dead i hope everyone else in that fucking lobby lobby is also dead.
Oh, all the people who didn't support you.
Yeah.
All the people who turned against him.
Oh, shit.
I'll see if I can get any updates on any of the...
Ask your source.
I don't know who was in the lobby that day.
Do you know if they're still alive?
But
I think that speaks to my character, though, Q, that
I felt a sense, I felt a sense of
emptiness.
It wasn't no celebrations.
I wasn't dancing.
Yeah.
It does say emptiness or neutrality, is what I'm wondering.
I felt a little like, you know, if I had just
remained at a little bit
of Susan light, yeah, she might have lived a few more days.
She might be alive right now to belittle other men
just looking for their mail.
I can tell you who doesn't have a package?
You.
Look at you.
Go clean your vagina.
Come back later.
No, you see,
this is the difference between a man with a conscience and a man without one.
Well, I got to say, I kind of agree with Brian.
I do.
I would revel.
You would revel in it.
I would revel in it.
You would revel in
people who have wronged you and their demise.
I don't think I've ever exposed you to this on the show or in a friendship.
I have an almost psychotic
attention to revenge.
Like, I'm talking decades.
I can attest to this.
And I know exactly what he's talking about.
This is a side of you.
I had no idea.
Why do you think I love him so much?
I am telling you,
I have
leapt from the shadows decades after fucking people have insulted or wronged me.
Like Jack the Ripper.
To get them back.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
And I have a list.
I have a list.
Like Nixon over here.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
That's a good example.
The people who have wronged you,
have you
put into play
any of your plans of revenge?
He has shit in motion right now that when he told me, I was like, that's amazing.
Dude, it's awesome.
I'm currently in the middle of a fucking,
I'll tell you over there, of a fucking strike back
that it's so intricate and so involved, and I haven't seen this person that I'm getting back in 10 years.
It's dude, I'm telling you.
Can I ask?
Well, I guess you wouldn't want to reveal.
I wronged you, but what is a level of, what would you consider,
what is something that you would be like, well, I remember I felt wronged when this happened.
Like, what would be something that would
get on that shit list of yours?
Well, I'll give you...
Okay.
Is it like major, like a scale of one to 10 transgressions?
It's really like whatever, whatever.
I can't account for whatever strikes that area.
That's like, I will get
this person.
It's not like I'm going to destroy, but
I'll get you.
And
some people, they may not even know that they've offended him.
It's true.
I'm not denying it.
That's awesome.
If you hit that target, that's a mental.
Oh, yeah.
I make no bones about it.
That's like Brian Johnson
levels of psychosis.
Yes.
Wait a second.
Now I'm
really?
And how many people would be on this list at any given time?
Generally, well, some look, man, they don't get off the list until I strike back.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Once you're on that list, it's not easy to get on that list,
or it can be easy to get on the list, but once you're on it, you're not off
until I've gotten you back.
I fucking
I got a guy on the list.
Is it mostly guys?
Yeah, but I would have thought mostly girls.
I don't know why I would have thought that, though, but I would have thought mostly girls.
There's a couple of
nah, it's mostly guys, actually.
The only girl currently on the list is this fucking bitch who works for United Airlines
at Newark Airport.
Do you know her name?
I don't know her name, but I know who she is, and I know where to find her when I need to.
Fucking I got her number.
This guy can afford private eyes and stuff.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Oh, yeah, no, nothing like that.
I just always have my eye open for
a strike break.
There's a kid from
freshman year.
There was a kid from freshman year of high school
that it took me,
I think, 18 years before I was able to get back, and I held it in my head on that list until I was able to.
You're not ashamed of this.
No.
Yeah, you should.
I'm like, lady Gaga, man.
I was born this way.
The way you're speaking with such pride, though, is like,
you shouldn't be speaking like this.
So you want to be real and honest.
I disagree with him wholeheartedly.
But yeah, like the the level of of pride in your voice is it's it's alarming you are seeing a maybe the realest me you've ever seen i'm not kidding well yeah i like i i can't stop myself i i remember have have never forget friends yeah gotten onto that list
uh
yeah
not in the same way
but uh
friends have gotten on a similar list that i've gotten back well they're not friends anymore but no yeah, not really.
Former friends, I should say.
No, nobody's ever pissed me.
Nobody's ever gotten on that list.
That was a friend of mine.
No.
But I remember things that I remember slights from friends.
Yes.
You remember slights from friends?
Yeah, I do.
Certain ones.
Are these perceived slights?
No, no.
I'm not crazy.
No, no, no, of course not.
I don't want to get on that list.
You're definitely not crazy, Q.
You're the most normal human being.
I thought I was.
I was wrong.
If that's what offended you, I'm sorry I said it.
Wow.
Yeah, I'm the exact opposite, man.
I felt a level of guilt.
I felt a level of shame that I felt.
If there was any chance I played a part in this woman's early death,
I wanted to somehow, I don't know, I thought it was be crazy if I contacted her family and apologized.
It would be.
Don't think it, because it definitely would be.
But, you know,
I haven't decided if I would even try to do that, to try to contact him inside.
You should let it go.
But flowers on the grave.
It's so weird because, like, on your behalf, when I heard, I was like, good.
Like, that's the way I felt.
Good.
Right.
Yeah.
And when you think that way, then I know I went too far, though.
I might sit on a grave.
I might.
I'm not sure.
You might.
He has.
I know that he has expelled bodily bodily fluids
onto
how do I put this?
Not on people, but on buildings, edifices.
Yeah.
Buildings.
Yeah.
Where that person is inside that building?
Or out of the corporation's hair at any particular time.
That's a good example of
a lower level common pettiness that I carry with me.
Like your bank.
You're like, okay,
I didn't get that toaster.
I passed this building that I didn't like, and I pulled over and fucking passed a building I didn't like.
Yeah, he had good reason, though.
I think.
Yeah, I did.
It was an old workplace of mine.
This is pre-fame cute.
Oh, yeah.
This is a pre-fired apartment.
Although, if on the way home tonight you were like, hey, guess what I did?
I'd be like, oh, it's cool.
It wouldn't be fun.
Yeah, but you know what?
I'll tell you what.
Once I pissed on that building, all my anger towards that place dissipated.
Yeah.
Pissed it right out.
Have you ever spoken to a professional about this?
This kind kind of reflection.
You know, I've spoken to a lot of professionals in my day, and I've never brought this up.
This I like.
I want this is for me.
This is to get me through the fucking day, my friend.
There is someone, I think we talked about it recently, that I'm waiting to die.
I will shit on their grave.
Yeah, I know what you're talking about.
Yeah.
I will.
How do you plan?
Let's say that.
I just have to outlive them.
I know, but how did you plan to carry out this, though?
It's not easy to walk into a graveyard and do it at night.
That's not a problem.
But when he's got a built-in lookout, as a friend,
the logistics all work out, but
on my own fucking soul, when this person dies, I will shit on their grave in the cemetery.
This isn't a joke for me.
You're not going to sound bites for this week, along with Lili.
Am I
being like
you do a lot?
And
am I kidding?
No, no.
This is 100% authentic.
Do you see that as
you do realize that the only person paying any kind of price would be the caretaker who has to clean up?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
See, you're not seeing it right.
I'll bury it so that person is buried under that shit for eternity.
Oh, so you're going to dig up the grave?
No, no, no.
I'll dig like a little, like a little.
I got to go.
Tell him, Steve, Dave.
No, like a little, like, like six inches down, shit in the hole,
covered up so this person spends eternity buried with your under my shit, lower Walt than my shit.
That's the plan
until it rains down on him.
That's it
in a heavy face.
It's a him.
Yeah.
Oh, it's a him.
It's a him.
Yeah.
Is this person?
How long do you think this person's got before you can?
Unfortunately.
Hopefully not too much longer.
I don't know.
It could be another 30 years, but it doesn't matter.
Really?
But if you change your mind and you want to exhume the body, you might tell you.
Yeah, that's just one example.
You know,
that's just solely symbolic, though.
You know that that person's gone.
They probably are.
Yeah, but
I know if they knew that I did it, it would bother them, and that's enough for me.
Okay, what if you get caught doing this?
What would your family think?
What would the reaction be, your loved ones, if you get arrested for
publicly defecating on a grave?
I mean,
it would be pretty embarrassing.
Well, who's catching them?
Yeah.
Police.
I mean,
that's pretty fucking.
They have to be on the scene to catch me drop trout
and shit on a grave.
Plus, I can distract them.
Yeah.
I'll just wave a gun around.
I mean, I'm not worried about getting caught, but if I was, I would explain myself.
You're like, this person wronged me,
and you guys are getting real close if you don't let me go to being on this list.
So I think you should go.
Oh, no, I wouldn't threaten the cops.
Look, the cops are just doing their job.
If they got to arrest me, they got to arrest me.
Wow.
Now, forget the sex tape.
That's the story you want to read.
Yeah.
Yeah,
that was raw and honest and unexpected.
I'm telling you, this woman at United was like,
I can't wait to now.
I haven't figured it out.
You don't think this could hurt
your lovable image, though?
Revealing this?
You want real and raw?
I thought that was a self-is Is that possibly hurting the brand if we find out what's going on?
Dave into the future.
He's like, not like that.
Fuck you, nerdist.
I don't hear Hardwick talking about this shit.
Yeah.
Tom Hanks talking about typewriters.
Let's see if Tom Hanks talk about shit on a grade.
That's what I want to hear.
That's the interview I would want to hear.
And to date, what has been your most spectacular revenge that you've achieved in your mind what's been your most gratifying of uh
poof I don't really want to you want to get into it because that I'll give you two examples but I don't want to go for the spectacular ones because they will make me seem really crazy not as lovable yeah I mean
I put a lot of energy into it when I go for it
little things like
let's see what are two good ones
all right well like this guy I didn't like when I was a kid,
he fucking bullied my brother a little bit.
And when I met his kids, I kind of like fucking negged him a little bit in front of his kids.
Negged him.
You know, I kind of like
insulted him.
Like, negate him, like, he's nothing to do with it.
Oh, like backhand, like, kind of, like, backhanded.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just enough to plant seeds that their father is a fucking ass clown.
Stuff like that.
You know what I mean?
A little seeds like that to grow.
That's what I was doing Christmas Eve to Walt's daughter.
Yeah,
I don't see that as being as
diabolical.
Well, that's why I'm giving you those examples.
That is diabolical, though.
Dude, I can't.
It would be too
damaging.
I'm not diabolical, too, because to say something like that, to plant that seed in a kid's mind that their father is a fucking idiot loser, or like
that would, that would be meaningful, I think, to a lot of people.
Well, it depends, though.
And it is so psychological.
Was it post-Jokers were where it would be more meaningful coming from a celebration, or is it pre-joking?
Post-Jokers.
He came to me
with a hand.
I know you.
Oh, wow, that is diabolical.
And I have been in that situation and I've just swallowed it because for whatever reason, that person wasn't on the list.
This person
picked on my brother.
In your head, you're like, oh, that happened when I was in
fucking
sixth grade.
And it's also like, it doesn't necessarily need to be diabolical.
What I really respect about it, because I feel the same way, is the length of time that you can hold a grudge, because I do too.
Forever.
Yep.
Forever.
Never forget it.
And it's slights or perceived slights.
They're all the same to me.
I love podcasting with you guys because I look like fucking Mother Teresa.
And
yet somehow you're still the least likable one on the show.
Why does this make you fit?
How does that happen?
How is it that, yeah, like I'm the least likable one on the show, and you guys reveal this, these fucking horrific, and like you open these doors to places that no person wants to ever look into, let alone walk down.
And yet, I still get like I take major shit.
Because you're on the front lines.
As you could hear it, you're on the front lines, and yeah, people are like, like, they can't respect someone who's like, oh, I was going to go to Susan's house and fucking hold a candlelight vigil.
I wasn't going to go to her house.
I was going to send a note.
I was going to send a a card.
A card?
Like a card from you?
Or a sympathy card.
Or an anonymous card.
It would have been anonymous.
Not explaining yourself.
Yes, I would have explained myself.
You don't know who I am.
So it was for you, not for Susan nor for her family.
You're not going to be able to do that.
I think at the end of the day,
I would be lying if I didn't think it was just for me.
It can't be for her.
Right.
Did you tell your wife, like, this is my plan?
No.
No, I don't want her to even know about it because I wanted her to think less of me.
She was
been disappointed though.
Well, no, I told her about the Susan thing, about like, you know,
but I didn't tell her that Susan died, and it may have been because
of that argument that, you know, her life went into the shitter because of that.
What are you laughing at?
I just think it's like, how many years ago was that?
Like, what a slow burn to her eventual demise.
Where you're like, maybe that's what set it off.
Not the thing the day before or the thing the day after, which I'm sure, if she's that big of a fucking bitch that she's yelling at every day for expecting your mail.
Yeah, it could have been any number of people that are like, well, fuck you too.
Like, it's just a question.
But I didn't give her a break, though.
I didn't just take, I gave her, I gave her a lot of, my frustrations boiled over, and she paid the price of me not.
I met that afternoon.
I took it out on her because I couldn't find the mail.
Okay.
And then, and she didn't take it.
She came back at me and.
probably because Ming was in there earlier talking about a totally different kind of mail he couldn't find and was upset.
He found them.
He found them.
I don't know.
I guess.
So close to home.
I don't know.
I guess I'm not.
They say revenge is sweet, but it can be bittersweet too, though.
No, they say it's a dish best served cold.
Q.
You've got the recipe downside.
You want me to fuck up whoop you up at dinner.
This is
buried.
No, no.
You him to shit on this?
It's a good friend.
It's a good friend who would offer to go shit on this pilot.
You all do it.
Grave.
I thought I would only shit one grave in my lifetime, but
just the fact you offer is enough.
All right.
And then the other thing I had was,
I always want you to tell the story on air, Bri, about the time that you were accused.
of being a streaker.
Oh, yeah.
Do you know about this?
I think I do.
I think it's in the back of my head somewhere.
I don't know if you want to tell it.
I don't know if it's too raw and too honest.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know.
It's embarrassing.
I'll literally keep watch out while Q shits on someone's brain.
I don't think this is
exceeds that in terms of.
How much time?
Did we have enough time to tell it?
Well, I think we got decks for an hour.
Well, this won't take an hour, so we've ended on the well, yeah, we still got to talk to him about some stuff.
This was,
God, this was
probably
around
99,
yeah, 99, 2000, somewhere in there.
We, when we had merchandising, well, this would have been like right before
strike back on the website, you worked on the website, worked on the website.
I kicked it in the high gears, QR members.
Oh,
wait a minute, though.
Yeah.
Is it possible the most diabolical revenge
is this
friendship with a man who stole your job?
And at some point, you're going to pull the rug out on the guy who took your job at the ReviewScue website?
Steal.
I can't steal something that was given to me.
But no, you know why?
Because I immediately tried to get Nick Giovannetti fired and hire Q back.
So he knows I'm looking out for him.
I mean, if we're talking about a flight attendant.
Yeah.
No, she wasn't a flight attendant.
Very sexist of her.
Yeah, United, not a flight attendant.
She works
at their front desk at Newark.
And
what was her transgression?
She gave him sass.
Transgression was
she.
All right.
So there's two entrances to
the check-in, United.
One's on this side of the terminal, one's on this side of the terminal.
It's a fucking five-minute walk between the two of them, right?
I walk over to this one, and the woman was like, Oh, sorry, you got to go to the other one.
There was like, there was very small lines in there, but I was like, Oh, maybe the computers are down or something like that, I guess.
So I start to roll away, and then this guy just walks up, and she just waves him in.
And I go, I go, did it, did that guy just go in there?
She goes, yes, so you have to go to the one down there.
And I'm like, well, why?
I'm like, why can't?
And then another person walked in and she was like, well, it's busy.
I was like, but you just let in two people.
And she goes, are you even flying first class?
And I go, I go, well, what does does that have to do with anything?
Yeah, like, why would you think I'm not?
And she's like, Because you're not acting like it.
And I looked at her and I was like, You're not agreeing, brother.
Yeah, I was gonna say, Why are you waiting till she dies?
Why don't you just shit in her face?
And then I was, and then I was like, I'm sorry.
I was like, Did you just
give me advice on how to act as a person?
At that point, I am not embellishing.
I will happily tell you if I was being a dick.
This fucking person had some bad mood going on.
And then I,
anyway, that's also like, it says a lot about
how she considered what, how she sees coach passengers.
It's like you're not acting very first class because they somehow act differently.
I had so many questions, but I was just looking at her and I was like, what the fuck are you even talking about?
I was like, you're on a power trip.
I was like, you're on a power trip.
So I just walked past her.
Like, you're not even acting like an extra leg room
passenger.
I walked past her and walked in, but I got her on my list.
She should be on there.
Yeah.
Now, to be fair, she's someone that might get away because she might just leave her job.
And I'm like, you know, there's nothing I can do.
She might get away.
BQ might show mercy.
No, no, no.
She might get away because she might change jobs.
I don't know what she wants.
Schindler's list where he's like, I partnered with you.
Can someone make an appeal if they find out that they're on your list?
Yeah, I guess.
They don't know they're good.
Nobody knows.
Yeah, and usually nobody knows.
Well, now everybody listening is going to be anybody who's like, I wonder if I fucking wrong Q.
Anybody who may listen to this and write a.
We're looking in your direction, Minnie Mouse.
Minnie Mouse.
no uh yeah yeah there was a little more to it than that but but that's basically that's basically what she did but like i said like that's not shit on grave level that's just i got my eye out on it and when i see the opportunity i'll take it i won't direct events to make that happen you know what i really like about q like so many things but despite
the odds being stacked against him at times, he is not afraid of verbal nor physical confrontation.
Now,
admittedly, a couple of times he's been a little soused when he stands up to people where I'm like, he's going to die.
I guess we're both going to die.
This guy could definitely kick both of our asses.
But I saw him, we were in this long time ago.
We were in a strip club and we were with these girls and someone
started like flirting a little bit with the girl he was, he had brought.
And he was turning to him.
He's like, do I look like an asshole to you?
And the the guy's like, Huh?
And he's like, Do I?
He wasn't drunk.
He's like, Do I look like a fucking asshole to you that you can just, you know, do this right in front of me?
He's like, Because I'm not.
And like, got real.
And the dude's like, No, no, I don't mean anything by it.
And like, the dude backs down.
And that's what I really like.
He won't, whether it's an asshole in a strip club, a fucking sassy
counter girl at United, he doesn't take any shit from people.
He demands respect.
Well, I just unnecessary shit.
Stuff that these people have long forgotten about.
All right, so anyway, but I like in the moment, man.
I like it.
Yeah, fuck it.
1999-2000, you're working in a website.
We're working in the ViewScue offices, which are humming.
There's a lot of people working there.
Top gear.
Orders are coming in.
You kicked it into the game.
Orders are coming in.
What is it?
High gear.
You kicked it into high gear, yeah.
Now,
that is a slight at you.
You're a jab.
No,
I don't think it was a jab.
I didn't say it.
I don't think whatever said it is on his list now.
I don't think it was a jam of me.
I do think it was
a statement made without thinking about my feelings.
I think it was basically because
it had nothing to do with him.
It was the technology had evolved to the point where we could take the merchandise and put it online.
That was the only thing that was different, it could go on to the filter.
All right, so you're the man in charge.
Now you're running the show on the website.
BQ's, you're at the printer, I assume.
So you're not even, you you get another, you left the company, you didn't work there anymore?
I came back.
I don't know if I was working here while the streaking thing happened.
Were you aware?
Was it the same building you worked in or that the building was?
I was right there?
I don't know.
The one on three Harding, yeah.
Yeah, you didn't work there?
Yeah, okay.
So
there was a shower in that building?
There was a bathroom, there was a shower.
That anybody could use, or only the ViewScue offices?
I think anyone.
But there weren't that many people there.
But anybody, so the shower was not in the ViewScue offices.
It was a building shower, which I find very.
Is that common?
Is that common that there's a shower that anybody who works in the building can use?
Maybe in older buildings or ones that have a gym, which this one certainly did not.
Okay, all right.
But that's why Mink started staying there because it had a shower and he wanted to, because he was about to get married.
So he basically lived in the office for like six months.
Really?
Or a year, maybe, so that he could save money on rent.
But we came in one morning and there was a whole brouhaha going on on because
it was a woman.
I can't remember who it was.
I think it was a different, a woman who worked in one of the other, it was like two other offices, not big ones, like, you know, maybe five people in each office, who saw a guy come out of the bathroom wearing nothing but loafers
and streak through the hallway, run down the hallway and down the stairs and to, I don't know where, but,
you know, I really don't know where.
But for some reason, people in our office thought I did know where since they thought I was that person.
Not even thought, somehow knew it was me.
They were so confident it was me that they were like, they were already preparing, like, okay, well, how do we handle this?
And I heard about it.
Like, they didn't even approach it.
It got in the newspaper, didn't it?
It was reported.
It was
the police were called in.
It was a, yeah, it was like a police blotter thing.
And yeah, the police were called in.
And I only found out after that that they, I guess, they're cool.
They didn't turn me in, but they thought it was me for some reason.
People in my own, yeah, I'm just like, but what have I done that would lead you to believe that?
So, and then they come to you and confront you.
You're like, Brian, yeah, she was this lady.
She,
yeah, so she confronted me and was like, just,
you know, this.
Just tell us the truth.
Yeah, just tell us the truth.
Like, as if I had been, like, lying by omission, by not saying that I was the one.
And I'm like, what are you talking about?
Like, first off, I've never worn loafers in my life.
That's the most insulting part of it.
That was the worst part.
But yeah, it was just like, but somebody said they identified me.
They're like, it was that guy, that it was me.
And I'm like, who said that?
One of the people that in the, I think the lady who in the office.
Did the police ever come out?
No.
Kafs never questioned me.
No one ever.
I was only accused later on
by
the VSU person, but
I don't know.
Yeah, they were like, they said that, like, they basically were like, oh, well, they said he was, and then blah, blah, blah, gave it basically a description of it.
I have never streaked,
stroked any of the past tense.
I don't know why they thought it was me, but it was odd, though.
I thought it was very odd that maybe they were like hoping it was me, and they could catch me again later on.
It's a weird telewhacker.
Do you think that this person
still to this day believes it was you?
And they would just like.
I think there's room for doubt.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think they're like, I have reasonable doubt.
Like, maybe, I mean, he's saying no, because what else would he say?
Well, I mean, it's not like you have, like, there's been other instances where there was reported streaking.
Multiple streakings, right?
Yeah, it was a one-time event.
But, yeah,
I never knew that story until years later, and boy, did that make me laugh when
the whole office was.
The assumption, everybody in the office was convinced it was him.
Yeah, the assumption, yeah, the blanket assumption that it's like, well, obviously it was him.
It's like, well, why?
Well, in your mind, since you're the only person that really knows that you didn't do it,
who do you think
did you write did you did you construct a theory in your head like i couldn't think of anyone else outside of our office that i saw that like i just didn't pay that much attention to those people there was only like juan the the janitor guy the the um property manager guy yeah he was super nice right yeah nice guy but doesn't look like me at all yeah a short little puerto rican dude who i once assumed was Mexican and he got all offended by it.
But other than that, like, yeah, I didn't really interact with anyone within the office.
I mean, my brother Darren, I don't see it being him.
Nobody else there even looked remotely like me.
So I, no, I don't think it was ever figured out, or if it was even true.
It was just some lady said something.
Who the fuck knows?
People make up shit all the time.
Yeah.
But yeah, it kind of like, I was talking to someone about this the other day.
I'm like, what does it say about your character when the friends that you have, if they had a problem, a real problem that they could not go to the police with, like you're their guy, what does it say about you as a person?
Same thing.
When everyone assumes, like, well, fucking clearly, it was him that's running around naked.
Right.
Um, and I can't remember, I cannot recall what shape I was in at the time, but I don't recall that being,
I don't know.
Well, what difference would it have made?
Well, because I don't, I don't, I don't want to take my shirt off now in front of my own kid because she's like, whoa, what's up with your stomach?
I have two mommies.
Yeah.
It's like, are you having another baby?
So you're saying a streaker
would be pleased with his physique.
He would want, he would, you know, he has no.
Maybe that's why I'm not a streaker, because I would be too practical about the approach.
I'd be like, I don't want somebody seeing me from an angle.
I got to chub up, make sure it's looking fat.
It's like my sex tape.
Exactly, yeah.
Just put it out there.
I think that's good.
That's what people want to hear, though.
That I didn't streak.
No, no.
Raw honesty.
I think you're right.
I think they want to hear I did not streak.
No, no, and old stories.
Yeah.
And we paul, we hit it all three.
We did.
Nice work, guys.
That's the trifecta of awesomeness, right, Dex?
We're the next nerdist.
Tell them, Steve, Dave.
the valley is wide.
Many young man is drowning up with a feeling of pride.
I'm injured by a man on the other side.
Oh, I can feel the ever done.
I'm the tack of the time.
And so the suffering stretches far and near.
In our tears above the plants for a thousand years with people, no more fear than the feeling of cheer.
Up the sky made sky for the clairvoyancy of
the
You
might
harm the chain rattle through the walls of the earth.
Shell shock rings disappeared on my birth.
Wash your sword and your shield of the blood of your kin.
Get your mind and body, ready for the storm again.
This has been a production of Smodco Internet Radio, sir only at Smodcast dot com.
