The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Brace Belden - Episode 86

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Hello, hello.

Hello, hello.

Does Trey's caturse?

Welcome to the Adam Freelance Show.

We got Brace Belden in the house today.

Hello.

Mr.

Belden, how are you?

I am.

You got a hot new podcast out, Chapo Trap House.

Chapo Trap House.

I'm looking for unlicensed sex noises.

I found this sex sound

from Bashal Banjadi playlist.

Bashar Alasa.

Free male sex noises.

Okay, so this is unlicoised.

So we're not going to get DMCA'd for this.

It says free male sex noises.

It's up to Nick.

Free male sex noises.

I just want to hear what another guy sounds like when he's having sex.

You know, I've only heard hot chicks.

Oh, that's just a guy talking.

This is bullshit.

All right, so we're off to a hot start today.

Happy holidays to everyone.

Happy holidays.

Happy holidays.

It's Christmas.

It's Christmas time.

We walked past Macy's today.

She's coming out on Christmas, so you should say Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

We're going to say Merry Christmas.

Happy holidays.

You say happy holidays in November.

Yeah.

Or even the beginning of December.

Well, actually, if you hit somebody with that happy holidays bullshit on Christmas, that's too far.

That's like, that's pushing it.

Yeah, yeah.

That's that's fucking the problem is, though, I think Hanukkah starts on Christmas this year.

Does it?

Yeah.

Which doesn't seem right.

But you even listen to the way you're saying that.

Hanukkah starts on Christmas.

Yeah, it's true.

Christmas starts on Hanukkah.

That's Hanukkah's problem.

It is.

You celebrating this year?

Hanukkah?

Yeah.

Absolutely not.

No, it's horrible.

I quit.

What's wrong with it?

It's just

fucking just light a candle at the end of the day.

You don't have to fucking do anything.

Well, you don't have to do anything for it.

It's the easiest holiday.

No, Christmas.

No, it's hard.

You got to put up decorations and shit.

Do you have a tree in your house?

No.

We got a tree.

No.

It's great.

I don't put plants in my house.

It's all like a tree.

And drum plants?

Yeah.

You're copying that.

That's Nick's style.

I just don't have room for a plant.

Because if I got a plant, I wouldn't want to use it.

It's better for the air or something.

I got some plants.

Giant 1920s ferns.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Turn your house into a jungle.

That's what I like.

I like that look.

Are you completely planted?

I've bought ferns before and they die because you have to bring them over to the

fucking water.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, watering them is not the problem.

It's figuring out the right amount of sunlight.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's not something I can figure out.

You have a dark

orchid for a while.

Those are tough.

No, the ones they sell, what are they called?

Fowls.

Well, we've got a florist right here.

Fallopaninas.

The fallopaninas or orchids.

Yeah, the fallopaninas.

The fallopininas.

Oh, the micropaninas.

Do you spritz them with a little bottle?

I did that for a little bit, but no, you just stick your finger

in the moss.

Yeah, to see if it's dry.

Yeah, see if it's dry.

Good God.

I thought you were a florist.

Yeah, but that's like too different.

Were you a florist?

I was a florist for six years.

What are they called?

The coward men?

No, the real, the easy orchid is called like a fallopaninis.

Well, we didn't even sell.

You gotta understand, we didn't even sell that.

I worked for three Greek brothers.

Oh, they're Greek.

I was like, oh, we were standing on the side of the highway for years.

At one point, like...

Shit.

What highway?

It's black.

It's black, too.

It's black.

You want me to get it?

No, it's all right.

I just don't.

I'm worried it's going to.

It's going to look like later there's going to be a second.

I'm not worried how it looks like because then it might, you know, it's not soaking.

You have that event later, too.

Well, I got a that's tops and tops and tails.

Yeah, yeah.

You wear a top hat and a tail, and otherwise completely new.

Yeah, yeah.

A butt plug with a tail coming out.

Yeah, one of the little fox things.

No, I worked at a flower stand for six years on the side of the highway in San Francisco.

What highways are it in San Francisco?

Fucking multiple highways.

Really?

Yeah.

But 19th Avenue is where I was off.

I worked for three Greek brothers.

Three Greeks.

The orchids were like too.

I would ask about orchids sometimes because people would ask about them.

And they're like, we don't sell that shit.

That's like too fancy for us.

Really?

We just sold, we told a dozen roses for $7.99.

Oh, it was like a supermarket.

No, it was.

I mean, that's like the price of the supermarket.

It's like the price of a supermarket.

Or the deli.

Yeah, that was our big, our big competitor was the Safeway Flower section.

I live in New York, so I don't believe that you should own anything.

You know, if you want something, you go see it where it's available to the public.

Yeah, you don't bring it in home.

You can go to the botanical garden if you want.

That's where plants live.

It's like, well, having a house.

I don't need a tiger at my house.

I don't live in fucking

Central Park Zoom.

St.

Louis suburbs.

I'm with you on that.

It's like when people have big dogs in their little apartments, it's like, no, you go see the dog

where they're supposed to roam, which is like burnt out streets or whatever.

But you bring them home with you.

No, I don't, yeah.

I don't do anything.

You've never said that when you're in my apartment.

Yeah, but your dog is.

You don't really have a big dog.

She just has a big head dog.

She's a pip.

She's a little pip.

And you need it.

Medium dog.

I really need that.

Because if someone broke in your house, you're not going to do anything.

I got a billy club.

I showed it to you.

Yeah, but you're not going to use it.

No, I'm going to protect my family with that billy club.

Somebody would be stealing.

He was actually carrying shit out of his apartment.

Somebody's going to steal the bill.

He would go, excuse me, hello?

What are you doing here?

Did I have, are you delivering something?

Excuse me, hello?

You're delivering something?

Take her.

Take her.

You think Icy would protect you?

No.

You don't?

Probably.

No, Icy doesn't bark.

It's a vicious killer kind of dog.

Yeah.

But how does the dog know it's a bad guy?

Because you're crying.

Yeah.

Because the first black guy you let in the house.

Well, why wouldn't the dog attack my girlfriend i'm constantly that's true yeah yeah because you don't let her you don't let them be around each other because your girlfriend has to cast a spell on the dog with her tampons yeah she has that's well she

feed that shit to him no she she eats the panties of period after the

dogs eat men like when a girl's on menstruating the dog will eat the the yeah and then

isn't that gross and it's like what that you bleed all over the place you're fucking blood yeah and then she is fucked that dogs get periods, too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've asked my girlfriend if I can get her spade, but she's not down.

Or neutered.

I don't know what the one

spade.

You know, when I was a kid, because I only knew about that from what is it, fucking Wheel of Fortune.

Wheel of Fortune.

What's it called?

Prices Right.

Prices Right.

And I thought, when I was a kid, I thought they said, remember to have your pets sprayed or neutered, right?

So I thought if the dog was a girl, they had like a, like there was a spray, like an anti-vagina spray.

Yeah.

That you just spray in there.

Like they sprayed acid into the dog's cunt.

And it like burned.

How do they cut?

They remove the ovaries.

How do they do that?

They go in there?

They remove the ovaries.

Yeah, they go in there.

But I thought it was, until I was 27 years old, I thought it was like a, they just put a, like, they spray like hydrochloric acid into the pussy.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

It's like a chemical burn.

Jesus.

Yeah.

I don't know if I told you about this before, but when I was a kid, I got sent away and lived on like a

reservation.

But an Indian reservation.

You wanted to be a Native American for

Halloween in fifth grade and in San Francisco, obviously.

So your liberal fag parents were like, oh,

you think that's an appropriate costume?

Go live there.

You know what?

We're sending you off.

Go live there.

Sell cigarettes at the store.

You're Cherokee now.

Your mom's dressed like a construction worker.

Your dad's dressed like a sailor.

Yep, yeah, yeah, yeah.

San Francisco.

My parents were gay men.

Yeah, yeah.

I thought you were saying they were all YMCA together.

It's so funny.

That's what I meant.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's so funny.

Trump's song is the having sex in a shower song.

It's so sick.

It's so sick.

When I saw Trump play in fucking Philadelphia, he did YMCA twice.

He like bookended his set with YMCA.

It was electric.

Well, no one knows how to do it.

I don't even know how to do it.

Like the dance.

You know, it's actually very clever.

What Trump does with those is he's like, remember the early 80s.

Yeah.

And so he's like,

kind of creating this idea that, like, is this Reagan?

It's not at all.

No.

But when he does with the Make America Great Again thing, he's just like, he's trying to make you think he's Ronald Reagan.

Well, or Donald Trump in the 80s when he was a big

who was friends with Ronald Reagan.

That might just be like the last kind of time he listened to music.

It probably is.

No, that's not true.

Didn't he like pardon Boozy?

Yeah, but that's not him.

It's not like listening to him.

He got Kodak Black out of jail.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, yeah, he did.

He listens to SoundCloud rappers.

He does have like a relationship with rappers that other like Biden just does not have.

They love him.

Yeah, Biden only knows black people from like corn pike, like Looney Tunes cartoons back when they were racist.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Cole Black, The Seven Dwarves.

Yeah.

All those guys, man.

Yeah, I'm friends with all of them.

You know, the brothers wear suits.

Yeah, the three crows.

They got a big old old chain.

They got a song, and it's about the South.

I mean, it's just, well, Biden's Biden's experience with corn pop.

When corn pop was real, that's not like Biden is going to win.

Like, he's going to be president.

Dude, I just remember watching the initial video, and it's like such a boring story.

No, the story is crazy.

The story about him going to the pool.

No, the story is he's his lifeguard.

He's like, hey, calm down.

And the guy's like, I'm going to beat your ass.

And then he walks out, and the guy doesn't beat his ass.

He doesn't beat his ass.

No, but he said that it's a knife.

He used to brush the hairs on his legs.

No, they would brush the knife against the curb to make it rusty.

Yeah, yeah, and in a barrel.

Yeah, he'd put it in a barrel so it rusted.

But they didn't stab Joe Biden with the knife.

That's the thing.

It's like these guys had a scary weapon that they did.

The thing about the corn pop video was that he was talking to little black kids in bikinis.

He was talking to like eight-year-old kids.

And they were like bored and confused.

Yeah.

He's like telling some sort of rambling story about like uh yeah about like a like a like a prison punk in the 1950s

yeah he's he's sitting in that like there's that picture of biden it's actually magnificent of him sitting like in the lifeguard chair kind of like like happy and all these like kind of like eight-year-old black kids like sort of looking or up at him kind of confused why don't we do that with like wheelchairs why isn't there any tricked out wheelchairs where you're like up super high sometimes oh yeah like make him like

a monster truck?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, sometimes you see, like, and interestingly enough, oftentimes crackheads will have like wheelchairs with like a lot of accoutrements on it.

Yeah.

Fitted out with wheelchairs.

Bags and speakers.

All kinds of shit.

Like bags hanging from them and stuff.

But like, you never really see.

They should also sometimes put them on.

If I was like rich and I had to be in a wheelchair, put me on a horse.

Make me go through everywhere on a fucking horse.

I would say turn me into the black guy from Twisted Metal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

that's pretty good.

Axel.

Yeah, Axel.

Yeah.

He was great.

Actually, he kind of sucked.

Like, in the game?

I mean, Sweet Tooth is the only good one.

The clown.

The clown?

And then the motorcycle guy is good.

Is that the Grim Reaper kind of guy?

Well, his name's Mr.

Grimm, but his head is a skull.

He's more like the punch.

Like Ghost Rider.

Yeah, or Ghost Rider.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I loved Axel, though.

And there was like everyone else, I feel like, was just like a guy in a car.

But Axel was in pain.

He had to be there.

Yeah, yeah.

That's the only job he could get.

Yeah.

I don't remember too much of the lore.

Me either.

I think they made a show recently.

They did.

Who's watching that?

Not me.

Yeah.

I'm watching fucking smart

Mark Fisher.

Yeah, they would do a thing where Sweet Tooth, like, he had a dad, and then the guy that ran the tournament, there was a guy named Calypso that runs the Twisted Metal.

Calypso.

He was like the devil.

Yeah, he's like, and he runs the Twisted Metal tournament.

But then it's like, sometimes Sweet Tooth is Calypso, sometimes that's his dad.

Sometimes they're each other's dad.

It's like it's confusing.

Sometimes he has five dads.

Yeah.

Sometimes the cab driver is his son.

Oh, there was the cab driver, too.

Yeah.

Yellow jacket.

Wow, I'm not nuts.

I think that was his one.

Beyond the reaches of my memory.

Spectre.

That was one of them.

Spectre.

Which one was that?

Warthog.

That was one.

That's one.

Sebulba.

No, Warthog was.

Warthog was the Humvee.

Oh, yeah, there was a Humvee.

There was a truck.

You don't see too many of those anymore.

What?

Those types of games?

Humvees.

Oh.

No, it was like a marker of the 90s.

I'm seeing so many cyber trucks every day.

They're multiplying.

When you're driving, they take the entire lane.

I'd love to get killed by one of those.

Just fucking flattened by a cyber truck.

I have still seen more DeLoreans than I've seen cybertrucks.

The guy in my neighborhood who drives around a DeLorean.

Yeah, give it a rest.

Yeah, it feels very like

you have like a YouTube show that does like retro video games.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm like, all right, I get it was in a movie, but we don't got to do that.

With the wing doors,

plenty of cars with wing doors these days.

Yeah, it's nothing special, right?

You can get that on any car.

Exactly.

You can get that in a Corolla.

Yeah.

Yeah, when we had the Lambo doors that black guys get installed on like a fucking

on like a

like a rebad, like a fake escalade yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

if i had a car which i don't know how to drive uh nor do i own a car but like you never learned just i feel like if i need to you don't watch sports you don't know how to drive yeah correct well i would watch sports like if i watch sports i know what's going on for the commercials like a girl yeah i love commercials but like i feel like if i if i was if i had to be in a situation where i was forced to drive i could figure it out i feel like at your age it would be like terrifying Could you imagine?

Because I feel like at 16, you're like kind of fearless.

Death isn't real.

Yeah, yeah.

My dad let me drive when I was 13.

We were in Mexico.

He let me drive the car, and I drove straight into a bush, and then he yelled at me.

He said,

You're never getting your license.

It was like a moment where I'm like, this is like father-son bonding.

It was really special.

And then I just fucked it up immediately.

I knew I should have fucking taken you to see a prostitute instead.

Yeah, yeah.

All my Latin friends' dads did that for them.

Yeah.

That's how it goes.

Well, they all had uncles that would take them.

Oh, that molested them.

No, no, no.

They that would take them to a whorehouse, and literally every single one of them cried and didn't do it because they were like 13.

I couldn't imagine.

Yeah.

Oh.

My father's.

I would do that with my.

If I had a daughter, I would do that.

You need a daughter with me.

When she turned 13, I would take her to a bunch of men, the fucker.

Jesus Christ.

I'm like, you're a woman now.

Such a hung man.

You're a woman.

You're going to thank me later.

Yeah, this is a market.

Listen to your old man.

Don't be a pussy.

Don't be a pussy.

Everyone in school is going to be jealous of you when they found out.

You lost your virginity.

You lost your virginity.

You got fucked.

It's so cool.

You're like in college now.

A bunch of fucking 20-year-old guys.

I'm a cool dad.

I'm one of those cool dads.

Yeah, I'm a cool dad.

I'm with it.

I'm cool.

Let's do a little Coke.

People do Coke with their.

I don't like that either.

They're doing Coke with their kids.

Yeah, people do Coke with their dads.

It's like with their parents.

It's like, that's that's like nasty.

This has happened.

I've been fascinated by.

I already mentioned it, and this is now because we're pre-recording this, but

that YouTube lawyer guy, he's incredible.

Yeah, it's amazing.

Yeah, I've only looked into this, so I sort of followed it.

I know, I didn't, I saw the guy, I saw the guy during the Kyle Rittenhouse trial, you know.

It was like my first time I became aware of like who he was, and I'm like, okay, he's sort of in this world or whatever.

But I just saw like a

clip of him explaining his drinking and then it cuts to what he is now Which he's got to be doing something else.

He's like

giving drugs to like his kids Yeah, the kids tested positive for cocaine.

You know what?

He's giving cocaine to his children and to test positive I think it's like 48 hours.

I think you like piss out Coke.

I think weed you have for like a week.

Yeah.

And he got arrested.

He's doing bumps every night.

Yeah, he got arrested.

Like the police came to his city.

Wait, who is this guy though?

Tell me.

It's like Raketa Law or something.

Nick Rakita or Rakeda.

Is he one of those, like, I got my client?

His name is.

Is that Hungarian?

Rakeda?

Rakeda?

It's like a Central European country that doesn't exist.

I think it might be Hungarian.

Slovakian or something.

Yeah.

Or like Croat.

Rakeda?

Rakata.

It's like Raketa.

But it's like, yeah.

No idea.

But

he was given bumps to...

to

his young children.

You got to be careful because I imagine that guy is desperate to sue anybody.

anybody.

Let's hope he doesn't have the funds.

Yeah.

Because I think he's, I think there's a lot of people probably talking about his court case.

This is all alleged.

None of this has been.

He hasn't been.

Yeah.

If I was that guy, I would be like just fucking watching every show, hoping somebody gets one minor detail wrong.

Yeah, and just so you can file some kind of nuisance.

Oh, this is the guy?

Yeah.

What do you get him now, dude?

I mean, it's crazy.

He had this.

He was a goatee.

There was nothing like acute that happened.

He just kind of like...

It just descended.

It was like, yeah, I'm going to fucking

just completely go off the rails here.

It's like the dad from Small Town Ecstasy.

Yeah.

Yeah,

we've talked about that.

I love.

That's my favorite documentary ever, man.

You know what the real small time ecstasy is?

Going to Sonic.

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I like to go Afrikaans.

Because I feel like that would make people really uncomfortable.

I suppose I go, oh, yeah, I speak Afrikaans, too.

I speak Afrikaans.

Yeah, there we go.

Horrible language.

The British should have annihilated.

That's what my parents said.

Brush your teeth.

Bosul Yo Thunder.

Yeah,

Breaker Morant was.

You know, those were the first concentration camps were in the Boer War.

Not good enough.

They didn't have a good job.

Not good enough.

Bum concentration camps.

You ever see that movie, Breaker Moran?

No.

It's great.

What is it?

It's the story.

You know the story of Breaker Morant?

Is that...

No, no, I didn't.

He was an Australian, so during the, I think the Second Boer War, they had Australian fucking.

I guess they're like the guys that wear the dumb, like

horrible look.

Yeah, yeah.

So whatever that part of the Australian army was, you know, they were out and you know, they're experiencing guerrilla warfare for the first time.

So some captain got fucking ambushed and killed.

So, as revenge,

this guy, Breaker Morant, goes and kills a bunch of POWs.

Just executes them?

Just executes them.

And,

like, there was outrage because it's a war crime.

And so, Kitchener was like, Look, you got to fucking try these guys so we have some semblance.

Because they're Australian.

He wasn't trying British soldiers.

He was trying Australian soldiers.

That's all right, yeah.

And

so

then, yeah, there was a trial, and then, you you know, they're found guilty, and they're shot.

That's the movie?

That's the movie, yeah.

I would love to be that guy's defense.

But in Australia, they were like...

Heroes.

Yeah, heroes.

Yeah.

Well, it's.

Like, listen.

You go out there.

You got to wear the goofy hat.

There's no way to, like,

you can't.

fucking commit war crimes against other white people.

But I will say that's our business.

Like, leave us.

But back then, if you got caught for something like that, like you're in Africa.

You're so far from the newspaper.

And you get caught doing that.

That's your bad.

Yeah, I guess.

You know what I mean?

Like,

back then, like...

A war crime.

Yeah, killing, like, the boars, like, killing boar POWs.

Like, if you get caught from that, that just means someone you're supposed to be friends with fucking tattletales.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

Like, you could do anything like before, like, 70 years ago.

And just be like, I wasn't there.

Yeah.

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French.

Okay,

so here are some

no languages from Africa.

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Only Han Chinese.

Han Chinese.

Only Han Chinese.

None of the other kinds.

No Cantonese.

Yeah, that's a race.

Hebrew is

actually twice as expensive.

They call me Han Solo because I'm Chinese and I ain't getting no pussy.

Here we go.

There we go.

There we go.

Call me Han Solo the way I'd be Chinese and not get any pussy.

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important information.

And if you subscribe before the New Year's

cutoff date, you get to have sex with Adam Friedland's asshole.

Yep, that's right.

At babble.com.

Who's put up there?

Up my asshole?

What's gone up there?

Pogs.

A lot of pogs.

Pogs.

Yeah, it's a bad one.

It's the perfect circumference.

It was known as the pogs.

No, no, but you could keep a whole stack.

Remember the heavy ones that you flipped apart?

Slammers.

The slammer.

I was

in my asshole in elementary school.

Oh, okay.

okay.

Oh, yeah.

Because you play Marbles, I go down, I plop

and fucking shoot one of those things out.

Marvelous Mrs.

Marbles.

How does Marbles work?

You hit the big one, and then you got it again.

I didn't really ever see that.

The actual game of Marbles to me seemed like secondary to having some balls.

I have no idea what it is.

I don't understand what the.

It makes me think of the beginning of Men in Black or the end.

Oh, yeah, when the aliens are playing and the universe is inside of Marvels.

Yeah.

Somehow they knew the game, too.

Somehow they also lived in the lower east side in 1920.

We'd put those in socks and beat the shit out of kids who wouldn't experiment with gay stuff with us.

San Francisco.

San Francisco style.

We're all going to fucking jack off and look at each other doing it.

You don't want to come?

It is a crazy city.

We were just there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What neighborhood did you grow up in?

I'm from outside the city.

I don't know Daniel at all.

I know East Bay.

No,

here's my follow-up to that.

Oh, Alcatraz?

Alcatraz.

Yeah, I'm from Alcatraz.

I'm from Center.

That's what Alcatraz.

I'm from Outside.

Oh, so you run a conspiracy theory style podcast?

So did the guys die when they swam away?

No, they got away.

They got away.

It's not that far.

It's cold, though.

I know, but it's not that far.

You could swim there.

And back then, people were used to being cold.

And they were cold.

People swim there all the time.

Reference.

They're not getting some of their effects on Angel Island.

Exactly.

Oh, they went to Angel Island?

Yeah.

Now, that place is nice.

Yeah.

That place is nice.

I went to the Palace of Fine Arts.

It's a beautiful city.

It's really beautiful.

It's a beautiful city.

I liked it before you did, Adam.

No, no, no.

Where did you stay?

I actually went there first.

I stayed at the Stanford Court, which is a hotel mostly at the top of a hill, which is why I like it.

Which hill?

Yeah.

Russian Hill?

I have no idea.

There's

49 hills.

It's all hills.

It's all hills.

That's why it's the 49 hills.

San Francisco was like the only city I saw, or could comprehend until I was a teenager.

And I remember I went to LA and I didn't understand because it's like all flat.

There's something, there's the famous Hollywood Hills, but like, I didn't understand why the city was just like,

you know, like a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a what did that do for you?

It's just nothing for me, but it's, I like San Francisco.

You went to LA when you were like skid row running.

I like the diss dunk.

How'd you get down there?

And it's taste.

It's funny because San Francisco, you know, like the internet will make you think that it's like overrun with homeless people.

They're just in the crackhead zone.

Well, it's like, yeah, it's like if Portland is like that.

You go to Portland and Portland's a shithole.

It's disgusting.

Portland was a shithole before the crackheads.

I hate Portland more than anywhere else in Portland.

Portland is one of the worst cities.

What's one?

Oh, people are like, oh, the nature is good.

That's nothing to do with the city.

Right, that's just going to be a

nature.

That's the opposite of the city.

That applies to every other place in fucking Oregon.

Yes, yes.

It's great.

It looks as beautiful as the rest of Oregon, except it's just got the worst human beings on earth and then crackheads on top of that.

Horrible.

I told you that story.

I was driving with Blake.

Blake moved to Portland briefly.

And we're sitting at an intersection.

It took me a while for it to like register in my head.

We're sitting at an intersection driving back to his house.

He's driving.

And there's a hill, and there's like an encampment at the top of the hill with the tent.

And you know, they have all their shit outside of the tent.

And he's like, man, it's fucked up.

There's a 15-year-old girl who lives in that tent.

And then we continue driving.

That was it.

Well,

it took me a while.

I'm like, why do you know that?

From the crack smoking circuit.

Why do you know that there's a child that lives in that tent?

Unless something bad happens.

Just as a sentence?

Yeah.

Yeah, just as a

tell you?

You're 42 years old.

You shouldn't know that.

Maybe you can just tell she's 15.

Blake is a legend, dude.

He is.

He's a good dude.

She could be 10 in the crack age.

I think he's in Philly now.

Oh, he left?

Another dump.

No, Philly's great.

It's all right.

Philly's a great son.

Philly's great.

I just don't really like the attitude.

There isn't an attitude, which is nice.

Every time I've done something there, people have been drunk to the point where I'm like, this isn't...

You need to.

They might not like you.

No, but you go to communist circles in West Philly, probably.

We did like a free Trudon show there.

Isn't the Philly DSA is the least gay of all of them?

I remember that being the thing, but I

didn't know.

They don't even allow any.

Yeah.

Yeah.

San Francisco, though, is fantastic.

It just sucks to live there now.

It's, yeah.

They have self-driving Ubers and stuff.

That's crazy.

Those fucking

Weebos, yeah.

Waymos.

They're everywhere.

The Uyghurs drivers.

Yeah, yeah.

They should be remote pilots.

They fell off.

They've kind of come back with the Syria stuff.

Uyghurs are back in the nineties.

You think Uyghurs are pissed at Palestine?

They're like, they're taking all the attention away.

I definitely think so.

I feel like Ukrainians are like, fuck Gaza.

Well, yeah.

Everyone felt so bad for us.

Everyone felt we were.

We got the mistake.

Well, the thing is, the Ukrainians, they were kind of pissed at Israel because

when they started flattening Gaza, they're like, we need more shells.

And the Ukrainians are like, we need shells to fight against other people.

And the U.S.

is like, we got to give them shells to

kill these kids.

I'm sorry.

They need the shell.

We'll give them the shells.

Kill these kids over here.

You guys have

the Ukrainian parts of Manhattan, but the Jews kind of like, it's a lot.

They got some money.

So we're going to send them the shells first.

Yeah, yeah.

And then we'll send Ukraine the rest of the shells.

But yeah, you got to think this in that.

Is that war just going to go on forever?

I thought Trump was going to end it.

Ukraine.

I feel like Trump's going to

pull the funding, and then it's going to be a good one.

But even with the funding pulled, it feels like that war will just go on forever.

At this point, I think it's sunk cost, right?

Yeah.

Like, half your guys died.

So you kind of can't just be like, oh, okay, I guess we're done.

Right, yeah.

You know, you got to keep going.

You got to keep going, and nobody's going to make any progress one way or the other.

No, I think the Russians are going to eventually just grind them down.

But then

to what end, though?

Exactly.

It's like, what are they going to take over Kiev?

I feel like people have forgotten about the war completely.

Like, how many people have died in that war?

It's a crazy amount.

It's like a crazy amount.

The more Russians have died in that war, I think, than Americans died in World War II.

No.

Well, not that many Americans died in World War II.

Yeah, we were there for 10,000.

100,000.

Well, in the European theater, right?

Not in the world.

No, I think total.

Total.

Yeah, totaled.

So more Russians have died in the Ukraine war than Americans died in World War II.

Dude, some of the, you see the fact that the Russians died in World War II, they'd like, so we lost 400,000.

20 million people.

20 million.

70,000 carpets for Sharky 35.

100,000?

7,000.

700,000.

Jesus Christ.

I don't think that number's right, though.

Where did you get that from fucking Sam?

He got a discounted a little bit, but there's probably more than 400,000.

Yeah, we killed 700,000 of them.

But they can always get more.

It must suck for him, too, because he's like, I'm Jewish.

I know.

He's like the one.

Well, now they got the Mexican lady.

But, like, it's like

fabulous.

But they got like, like, when they were giving Israel the shallows, he must have been like.

Shine bomb.

That's so funny, dude.

I know.

Why is that funny?

What's so funny about that?

Praise.

When you laugh with it, it doesn't make any funny.

Don't laugh with me.

It's funny.

Don't laugh with it.

Can you imagine an African Jewish president?

One can only dream.

One can dream.

It's like happy Hanukkah.

You'd I'm surprised we don't

spawn out there because of the diamond mines.

I think we would just crawl out of those.

A lot of people.

I studied that clip today.

I shouldn't show Nick.

Don't show that.

It's bad.

Nick already hates us, but this will bring us to

anybody.

He likes us.

He likes us.

I don't hate anybody.

First of all, he hates a very...

There's very few.

James Carville.

I told you.

That's probably it.

That's Junte James Carville.

Just James Carville.

Is he Jewish though?

No, of course not.

No, he's like an inbred Louisiana worm.

Yeah,

they don't make us.

He came out of the fucking soil.

He's crazy.

He's a son of the soil.

Yeah, the overseer.

James Carville.

The overseer pulled out while raping a slave in 1850, and the seed landed in the soil.

He really does.

James Carville was born out of the soil.

He came out of a corn husk.

Yeah, right, exactly.

Yeah, earthworm gym ass motherfucker.

They have Chinese Jews.

Why can't they?

They have the Ethiopian Jews.

Yeah, but that's not.

We need a West They don't have Chinese Jews.

A Jewish guy goes over there and he's like,

and then he fucks a Chinese lady.

And then they're like, this is our Jewish Jews.

It's like a cargo push.

But then that's the end of the line for there.

They're not going on and doing anything.

No, no, there's a thousand.

You don't know about this?

The Kaifeng Jews?

During the Marco Polo kind of era,

some Jew went over there.

In Shanghai, right?

Yeah.

And it was like, I have this.

I can show you something that will make you very rich in the future.

And he made like a thousand Jews, or he made some number of Jews.

He made a thousand Jews.

I don't know how he made them.

I don't know why anyone would convert to Judaism.

Okay, but you know, I found out something recently.

Most European Jews are not ethnically Judean.

Yeah.

Like, like...

Adam's been hanging out with the black Israelites.

No, no, no.

Like,

literally,

the people that were expelled

2,000 years ago.

Yeah.

Like, for the most part, are not ethnically connected.

Like, there had to have been...

I just took that aside from the conversation.

There had to like forced conversions in like, you know, over the years, which I cannot understand.

Is this the

Kazarian theory?

Is that what you're doing?

No, the Kazarian theory is like...

Well, that was that the elites converted

to Judaism.

I watch a lot of Candace Owens now.

That would be a good move.

If you were in charge of a despotic regime and you're like, look, things are, we did the numbers and we're going to be overthrown in like fucking six weeks.

Yeah.

Be like, let's all convert to Judaism.

I think it actually is genuinely a good move.

It is.

Like when the rebels took Aleppo, Assad should have gone on the

horn with all of his top guys and be like,

we got to get a rabbi here.

Like if we turn Jewish.

We got to get a mole here.

Yeah, we got to get circumcised.

Maybe I think Muslims might circumcise.

I think Bashar Al-Assad and James Carnell are the same race.

I think they're probably having

a lanky.

Yeah, just sort of.

Where is Assad?

Have they found him?

He's in Louisiana.

He's in Louisiana.

Yeah, he's with Carve.

He's looking at looking at the the Superdome.

Yeah,

listening to the LMFA.

He's going to run for Congress in Louisiana.

He's driving a streetcar with Carvin on both opposite ends.

He's playing horn.

He should get into jazz.

But yeah, I mean, it's like

the Khazar thing is like there was a tribe and they converted to Judaism and then it was like that was the Jews of Europe.

We're just like these like Eastern peoples that kind of like came in like kind of like weak Mongols and just like spread to

Mongols.

Well, effective,

but just not really

a warrior, right?

They're more like Zoroastrians than Jews on earth.

There's so many religions that have a higher population.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

It's just a blip.

But we don't have any like outsized power to like our numbers.

Like, I think it's commensurate, like, what, 14 million Jews?

Yeah, but they haven't done shit.

We haven't, like, we've been, I think we've kept it low key.

I think we've kept it low key.

We've kind of known our place in the world.

We haven't done anything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so it's like, yeah, like, okay, there's.

We're just around.

Yeah.

And we're just hanging.

We're just around.

We're chilling.

Yeah, yeah.

We don't do anything.

Yeah, you didn't realize that we're not from there?

Well, it's, I,

no, I didn't realize.

No, I didn't like it.

Look at you, Adam.

Not that we're not Middle Eastern, but yeah, like, obviously, like, yeah, that we're not, we're like, ethnically not tied to the Judeans.

No.

We're expelled.

uglier looking Eastern European Russian

sloth we look like them but with curly hair well you have curly hair I don't have curly hair yeah yeah I just look normal my dad told me I'm white passing my b my friend growing up was a Jew but he was red-headed and he was my dad when we were like a little

munchkin that's what the term is now yeah

well in wicked

saw it

we were talking about replacing midgets with uh

sorry the little people or whatever thank you yeah yeah Which, whatever.

My dad.

How is dwarves okay?

I don't know if dwarves okay.

That is a trite argument.

I don't know if dwarf is okay.

It is.

I can call them dwarfs.

The actual disease is called dwarfism.

I know that, but can I call you a dwarf if you are one?

Because some people are just fucked up and short.

They're legally midgets, but they're not dwarves.

Yeah.

Yeah, dwarfism, and there's two types.

I learned all this from watching the Seven Little Johnstons.

What?

It's a show.

It's a show about a dwarf family.

What are the two types, right?

There's like the Verntrol.

Yeah, he has, it's called like

Phallopanissis dwarfism or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's an orchid.

Yeah, and

there's other types where it's like osteopanisis.

Hasbula.

What's that?

I might have even said it on the show before, but my idea was for Hasbullah to start doing an OnlyFans

and sell that to legal, to pedophiles legally.

But

Hasbullah is like that.

He looks like a baby, whereas somebody like with the fucking Game of Thrones guy, he looks like an older man.

The forehead is a type.

That's the Game of Thrones.

Are those two different types, though?

Yeah, I think they are, yeah.

I'd way rather be the

Gary Coleman type.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, where you're kind of like, you've got beds.

They call that black boy.

Yeah.

And they're always messing it up for the other dwarfs just trying to have a good time.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Like the classic Chris Rock.

But you can't call them midgets is fucked up.

But that sounds like

that sounds like a legal term.

It does.

But you just little people.

That seems, and that's...

That's one of the mysteries of language.

So you saw Wicked by yourself?

No, with his girlfriend.

Yeah, I went to go see Wicked, yeah.

We were talking today about going to see it without our girlfriends.

I said,

I said it was.

It's not bad.

It's good.

It's good?

If you you go into it and know you're watching a musical that's mostly for children and you expect that, it's good.

You know?

Yeah.

Ben Shapiro did like an Adams whole thing, though.

The full review.

He loved it.

What?

But you didn't love it.

You just liked it.

It's just good.

Yeah, I'll probably never watch it again.

You don't have to watch it.

Yeah.

Did you cry?

No, there's nothing to cry about.

He cried.

What is there to cry about in the movie?

I've never seen it.

He cried, Call Me By North.

There's songs and dancing.

It seems like a joyous thing.

Yeah, there's nothing, it's a fun movie.

Should we go see it after this?

Only because our girlfriends want to see it.

My girlfriend doesn't want to see it.

Oh, my girlfriend wants to see it.

Wicked?

If I was like, yeah, you should treat her right.

Brace and I raise something.

It's all wicked.

Me and the boys are going to see wicked tonight.

No, no, just like, just like, just be like, oh, fuck.

I saw it.

Just not even mention it.

I saw that.

Oh, I saw it with Brays.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Yeah, we went to a matinee shop.

I had the Alamo drafted.

It was okay.

Yeah, it was fine.

We almost ruined it seeing it.

We were just bored.

I fucking going to it.

I hate that place.

I hate it.

Go back to Austin.

Get the fuck out.

Put a normal movie theater in there.

Give me some space to jack off in here.

I don't like that.

I don't like the lying down in there.

I don't like anything.

I want to be, I want to go, excuse me, excuse me when I pass by people.

And I want the big old, I want, I want popcorn that tastes like shit and I spill everywhere and then leave it everywhere and make a big mess.

I want a big old girl yelling at the screen.

I'm yelling at the screen.

I'm talking on the phone in there.

I want to take calls.

I'm taking calls.

It's like if you had to go see a movie on Reddit.

That's what the draft house views.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If they had like a streaming guys kind of thing.

Yeah, it's like

talking in the movie TV.

We have the sanctity of the film zone.

Shut up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You shut up.

They're talking in the movie.

Why can't I talk in real life?

Yeah.

It's racist.

Yeah.

I just don't understand it.

So he can talk, even though he's not even here.

Am I being rude to the guy who made this movie two years ago?

I'm really trying to

concentrate on wicked, the musical, about

the Wizard of Oz.

And if somebody dares to quietly answer their cell phone,

I mean, that is...

I'm sorry.

Not only am I going to blow that way out of proportion,

I'm going to have to go home and talk about it online.

I'm going to have to tell people and look for validation.

Yeah.

I say that they're not as good.

This person is not as good at watching movies as I am.

Instagram stories, too.

I'm really good at watching movies.

That's why I despise when people talk during a movie and interrupt my serious movie watching is that my breasts get bigger and bigger from popcorn.

Yeah, my male breasts.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My gyno-comaste.

My fucking vagino comaste.

My

fallacomes.

I'm just like, dude, let me fucking, sometimes the movie's boring.

There's a lull.

There's just a bunch of dialogue.

Let me watch Instagram stories.

Yeah, right.

Let me see what Sidney Sweeney's on there so she can be on screen, but she can't be on my phone at the same time.

She's the goat, dude.

I just, well, she's beautiful.

She's so hot.

She's beautiful.

Yeah, yeah.

I didn't comment that on her post today, but I showed up.

It's insane how beautiful Sidney Sweeney is.

She's in New York.

I wanted to comment, yo, you in New York, right?

I want to leave.

I want to send her a message or leave her a comment.

Yeah.

And I can't do that.

I have to wait until after.

I'm going to forget.

And I want to to do text to talk to.

You look beautiful.

Send.

It's just ridiculous.

All the rules that we have, because it's not illegal to talk in the movie.

Also, the draft house.

Have you seen their other rules?

What?

No sagging, no do-rags.

They got a dress coat.

No sports jerseys.

You have to wear like an oversized Quentin Tarantino t-shirt.

So no talking, but also no do-rags.

What are they?

Interesting.

Interesting.

Yeah, but it's

the way they present that.

It's like Lieutenant Worf here to tell you to pull up your pants.

It's like they have to make it even more.

Yeah, like

Wharf is the coolest black guy.

If it was Hitler's movie theater, and it's like, get your

black ass up and pull up your fucking pants,

I could be okay with that.

But because it's like a nerd,

you know, it's like, oh, you're ruining weird science by being black.

Exactly.

LeVar Burton here.

Oh, it's

a news weekend and your blackness is ruining it.

It's like, these are...

You know how black guys are always ruining midnight screenings of the Rocky horror pictures.

They call the police.

That's what it is.

Exactly.

That's what it is.

It's true.

It's a Karen ass institution.

Yeah.

I hate it.

I hate it.

I hate it.

I go in there.

I take my fucking shirt off.

I take my fucking cell phone out.

I'm going to start bringing Lewis to the draft.

I'm going to get Lewis drunk and bring him to the draft house several nights a week until an incident

until he fights.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It is rude that they, because it's like, if they want us not to do those things, they told me I couldn't penny board through the theater, and then that would lead to something.

They should have Congress make it illegal.

But it's not illegal.

It's just against the rules that

you're doing.

I know, which is good.

It's good.

But put it in a bill.

Yeah, I like to go

and I just, yeah, I take calls.

Yeah.

Take shit off.

I make myself at home.

Yeah.

I like to, I'm sitting next to my girlfriend and say, it's work.

It's work.

And I get on the aisle of the movie theater.

I'm like, what's up, baby?

No, I'm not doing anything.

Cheating in the movie, I saw a guy do that at a restaurant recently.

He was like waiting with a girl, you saw him cheat, and he was like,

They were being seated, and he's like, It's work, it's working.

He's like, Hey, baby, what's up?

No, I'm not doing shit.

Yeah, that's so sick.

And I, and I called the police.

That should be illegal.

I called the police.

That should be illegal.

Trump should make cheats.

It should be illegal.

It should be.

I saw

I was a target.

I was like an aisle over, and I could just hear this lady, and she's like, The fuck are you looking at?

It's always no kids having bitches looking it's always no kid you ain't never dropped no seed at your pussy so don't I'm talking to you the way your mama should have talked to you right it's like she's like in such a random thing

it seems like it's a woman that's not parenting correctly and she's had an interaction with somebody saying like you know maybe she hit her kid or something yeah stop hitting your kids somebody yeah and so that is the all right whatever that is the child abuse target the atlantic terminal

yeah i couldn't see it I've seen kids get hit in the house.

I couldn't see it, right?

But I continue shopping.

I'm like on the other side of the store now.

It's five minutes later, aisle over.

What the fuck are you looking at?

It's like, you ain't got no damn kids.

She's still doing it, right?

So now it's like, is this a crazy person just having the same argument?

Are you hearing the kids?

No, I don't hear the kid at all.

So it's like, oh, this is a crazy person having the same invisible argument over and over.

Yeah.

Right.

One more time it happens.

Still, I happen to just be an aisle away.

And I'm like, yeah, it's a crazy person that's, you know, I'm waiting in line to check out.

Then I see the lady.

She yells at you.

No, she's not yelling at me.

She's got a stroller with a baby in it, and she doesn't have a shopping cart.

So the baby is just buried under, like,

all of her items.

That was her entire baby's just, like, crushed.

I'm going to let her parrot.

I'm going to let that lady parrot.

That was like the funniest thing I've ever seen.

That's so funny.

Because you can't push a button.

Yeah, you can't parry

the character.

It's true.

Yeah, come on.

And then, so people were staring at her, and she's like, what?

You ain't got no damn kids?

That's so funny.

He's like Orville's Redenbacher on top of this page.

Yeah, well, it was so funny because it was such a cute little baby, but it was like just being squished by, you know,

like a case of Mountain Dew.

It was heavy.

Yeah.

It was all stacked up, all high.

But then with like a hole for the head.

I learned a really long time ago, like when I was like a young teenager, that if you tell someone to stop hitting their kids, it's like the worst, they'll kill you.

People get really...

I had that happen.

I was on the train like 10 years ago, and

there was a lady choke-slamming her mentally disabled, like, 10-year-old against the window.

And he's like, oh,

you know, he's like, you know, disabled.

I mean, it was like radio.

She's like, and then calling him the N-word and being like, shut the fuck up, which is very funny.

I mean, I get like...

She hit her limb.

Well, because just calling him the N-word That's crazy.

Yeah, I know.

It's crazy.

And, like, you know, and so I just, I was like,

you know, I went up and I was like,

lady, you know?

And she's like, what?

And she started screaming at me and she's like, you want to fucking do something?

And I'm like, no, just like

anything.

Let's just chill out here, you know?

And then, I don't know, she yelled at me for like fucking 10 minutes.

She's like, you're making him more.

Yeah, right.

And then she got on the phone with some guy and she was like, come get your fucking son.

I don't care.

I'll go to jail or whatever.

but yeah it was like yeah i guess maybe i i prevented that kid from being choked for five for five seconds yeah yeah yeah yeah but you bet she's banking it like later though but you're yeah i told a lady on the bus in san francisco when i was like 13 not to hit her kid which i was like also kind of a child at the time myself you're precocious and she just started fucking going after i had to get off the bus because she started charging at me and i was like all right you really you just want to hit this maybe it feels great to do yeah that's the thing is like i don't know but people, because that's the thing is, like, your parents hit you.

I got like smacked in the ass and stuff.

I got sexually.

Sexually, yeah, yeah.

Like, it was like light, like BDSM.

Yeah.

But, like, no, like, I would get spooned in the ass.

Yeah, I would get the ball guy.

Exactly.

I would get a gift.

Show him the slapjack.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

You haven't pulled that out.

Where is it?

Where's your slapjack?

They got the slapjack.

Where do you even get that?

At like a spy store?

Does it hurt?

Ouch.

Hit his thigh with it.

No, it's scary.

Ouch.

No, hit his thigh with it.

Adam, move your hand.

It's not ISIS, dude.

Hi.

Hi.

Ah.

Fuck man pissy.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

It hurts a little bit, don't it?

Yeah, it's got some head.

It hurts.

I got it.

I showed you.

No, no.

I showed you my down.

I showed you my billy clip.

Where do they, what kind of cops have that?

Keystone style?

No, it's for private detectives.

It's for gum shoes?

Yeah, they hit you in the back of the hat.

Oh, yeah, you got scared on that one.

I don't want it.

Give me $30.

Are you having your fucking

money?

Are you having your fucking flashbacks?

Listening to the gunner from this Syria didn't exist.

Ouchie, ouchie.

He didn't like that.

It hurts.

Ouchie.

It's bad, but I can take it.

I'm going to get so much pussy off of going to Iraq.

Ouch.

Stop it.

No, no, you can't have it.

You're going to break the leather.

Do you feel like you lost, kind of?

No, I'm a neutral arbiter.

Okay.

Oh, yeah, he doesn't care anymore.

I'm a mercenary.

Oh, yeah.

No,

the five guys kind of were left out of the whole equation.

Yeah.

Like, it all happened around them.

You were in the girl one, right?

Well, there was girls there, yeah.

That's so.

I was in the girl one, yeah.

Was it like, did everyone shower together like Starship Troopers?

No, no, it wasn't like that.

It wasn't like

Denise Richards.

You don't shower.

Starship Troopers, they don't know.

What shower is there?

I don't know.

Maybe a hose.

They don't have shower.

I mean, they have them somewhere, but not where I was.

How'd you clean ass?

No, they have a lot of barbers.

They don't even have barbers.

It's mostly barbers.

They have toilet paper.

They all got all that hair.

What do you mean?

Oh, those.

Well, they have to do that.

That's like a religious thing.

I didn't understand.

Who do you think shaves the mustache?

They can't.

Yeah, they're allowed to trim the mustache.

Amazing.

They can only trim the mustaches.

And then the British did the opposite.

They just had.

Well, our guys all had mustaches, and I tried to grow one.

I can't do it.

Yeah.

I really just can't.

I don't have any.

Well, you got a very small upper lip area.

I do, yeah.

Yeah.

It's not,

It's a thin one.

I can only get a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit

thin.

It's like an eyebrow, basically.

But

they were going to make a movie, right?

The Brace movie with the little guy from Game of Thrones, right?

Yeah, that guy.

It's Sydney Sweeney.

Sidney Sweeney?

Sydney Sweeney was in the middle of the day.

It was one of the girls from the shower.

She was going to be in it.

Dash was going to be in it.

She's great.

Syria itself.

Yeah.

She's tied down to the ground and they've written Syria and her stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

It was like an

New York, right?

A bunch of different.

Should should I just comment yo you in the city?

Yeah,

just building yourself up for that.

Yeah, trying to get us to hype you up.

It's like 18,000 comments.

This is the funny thing you're going to do with yo you in the city.

Nick and I went to Union Square.

She was handing out Waters and Nick made me like a he made me a business card.

It was like right when we were starting the show.

Yeah.

And like

Adam Ginsburg, our old editor, was like, yeah, Sidney Sweeney's handing out waters.

He's like, yeah, maybe I'll get a chance.

She's at Waters?

Yeah, yeah.

And so Nick, like, just, it's like, he's, like, fucking, like, so serious.

He's like, get the fuck up, Adam.

He writes this business card.

We're going.

I want to find the picture of the business card.

But I went up to her and I handed it to her, and she was like, I think she thought I was mentally real.

She was like, disgusted.

So Sidney Sweeney has actually been disgusted by Adam.

I just want a second shot at love.

Oh, that's incredible.

I'll show you the picture.

Why was she handing out Waters?

She's kind of busted in real life.

No, shut up.

Shut the fuck up.

up.

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

Go back to your home.

In real life, she's kind of busted.

Yeah, I don't know.

She looks fat to me.

Nah, in real life.

I wouldn't fuck her.

Yeah, nah.

Nah.

Trash, honestly.

Nah, nah, nah.

I actually really don't appreciate you saying stuff like that.

I'm kidding, dude.

About Sydney?

I'm kidding.

So beautiful.

In real life, she's gorgeous.

Why was she hitting at Waters?

Because they paid her probably.

Was there like a thousand people in line?

Yeah.

I'd be crawling on my hands and knees licking her kneecaps.

I said, let me know when it's Whoopi Goldberg.

Nick stood like, he made me wait in line.

Whoopi Goldberg's breastfeeding people in Union Square.

It's a hot summer.

It's making an eggnog.

It's a hot summer.

I got free breast milk for anyone.

She's wearing the world's biggest sunglasses.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's like,

she's got an Afghan on it, but they've cut a hole out where her nipple is.

And you think it's her knee, but it's actually

saggy, saggy, saggy breast.

It's all the way down here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's going, help yourself.

Brought to you by the New York City Parks.

You have to go down on

the

side of

the house.

And he's like, we'd like to thank Sister Goldberg

for bringing milk to the denizens of this fine, stylish city.

Well, he's vegan.

Breast milk is human breast milk.

Yeah, he could probably make that.

It's vegan.

We're good to do that.

That's probably

theologically.

You're allowed to have fucking human breast milk.

What kind of vegan is like, oh, I don't breastfeed.

I guess because they consented.

Well, they consented to the card.

There's no cards for the bread.

Here's the business card he wrote.

Oh, God.

And then Nick took these pictures of me.

I'm like standing next to the.

Oh, there she is.

There she is.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, she's gorgeous.

She's so hot.

And then

here's me handing her the card.

She, like, literally thought I was mentally retarded.

Oh, she's giving you a really, yeah, the smile isn't great.

You couldn't make eye contact with her.

Okay.

So you just stood back

because you didn't want to, like, she might freak out if she saw you.

Yeah.

Dude, look at that.

I would come off like fucking Travis Bickel if I walked up to that.

No,

there's chemistry, I think, a little bit.

You're looking literally the opposite direction.

Chemistry is

rhohipnol.

That's the thing.

Yes.

Well, chemistry is.

I try to give her a drink, too.

You try to give her a drink.

Yeah, ruffling.

Chemistry is like usually when two people make a connection, but it seems like you're afraid to connect.

Oh, yeah, here's her holding the card.

Yeah.

Now she feels like I'm not a fan of the colour.

Look at the face she's making.

I know.

Just like, huh.

Yeah, she looks like it.

It's like something you do when you're like yourself.

She thought it was mentally retarded.

She did.

She did.

Yeah.

You don't give off.

You know what this looks exactly like?

What?

It looks like the picture that got Al Franken canceled.

Yeah, it does.

It does look like my hand is about to touch.

It looks exactly like the Al Franken cancellation photo.

Yeah.

Yo, show the fans that.

Let's get me canceled.

It's me and my ex.

Sydney.

The SS.

I love her.

Yeah, I love her.

She's beautiful.

You know, she was 16 back then.

No, she wasn't.

Yeah, she was.

No, she wasn't.

Yeah, she was.

She's 20.

She's 20 now.

No, she wasn't, dude.

No, she wasn't.

Shut the fuck up, dude.

So you're a pedophile.

I want to see a pedophile.

I just want to see a pedophile.

Please.

Strike nine.

Wow.

Younger.

Yes, yes.

A dial that says younger.

Younger.

Wait, now a dial that says younger.

Younger.

Yes, yes.

Younger.

Now she's looking at you.

She's looking away from you.

You're looking directly at her, and she can't even look at you.

This fucking other Jewish pedophile coming up to me on the streets.

You see that we pan to the rest of the line.

It's on the internet.

It's all the same.

Oh, boy.

Hi, Sydney.

I've got an internet radio show.

I'm Adam Friedland.

It's the Adam Friedland show.

We'd love to have you on.

My name's Adam Weinfried.

And I've got a radio show.

You would look great in a.

Should you post it on Instagram?

For what?

What do you want from that, Adam?

You want some people to post it and tag Sydney Sweeney.

Yeah, tag her.

She's probably got tags open.

Oh, yeah.

You just got to hit that button.

Just trivies.

I have a girlfriend.

You're fucking beautiful.

Your phone.

It detects moisture when you fucking click on that tab.

I'm going to post it right now.

Don't plug the charger in right now.

The iPhone needs to dry off.

Yeah, yeah.

Save it.

I'm just, like, Adam, I think that, like, if you think you have a shot with Sweeney.

No, I have a girlfriend.

Adam's more into Sydney peeny.

It's an Australian man who's famous for not wearing pants.

It's not funny.

Yeah, it is.

I'm just looking at pictures of us and just remembering.

You and you two?

Or are you in Sydney?

There's only one picture of me and Adam and it's at the hat store.

No, there's more pictures.

I was just so happy to wear all those different hats.

I have so many pictures of Adams.

It was when we were new to New York City and I didn't know that there was like hat stores all over the place.

The lids?

Well, not a lids, but they've got all these places that are like...

Oh, like they sell like...

Yeah, like hats.

Yeah.

You love hats.

Yeah.

Every time I see you, you're wearing a hat.

Yeah, he wears many hats.

But you're not balding.

I know.

I just like hats.

Do you you think that it gives the impression that you're balding to people who don't?

I don't give a fuck.

I like wearing a hat.

I like different kinds of hats.

I respect that.

What's your favorite?

What kinds?

Any kind, really.

It's so funny if you started wearing like an old-timey hat.

Like what?

Like a top hat?

Not like a top hat, or not like a bowler.

The newsman kind of hat.

Tricorn hat, I could see.

No, you can't wear the newsies because those are ruined by like former punk New England newsy.

Not the newsy.

Yeah, aging like a topic, guys.

No, not the newsy hat, but like the news man hat, where it's like kind of like

a trilby with a hat that says press.

Exactly.

Like if you start wearing a trilby.

I saw Carlos Valencia recently, and he's a comic.

But he's been wearing...

Because Trilby's were hot in like 2004

for like three weeks.

They're huge.

And I think Carlos got one then.

And I can't remember if he was wearing one last time I saw him, but I think he had one.

So he's still hanging on to that.

I respect that.

Yeah.

Because there was a lot of hats.

The early 2000s were big for hats.

Yeah.

I remember my dad seeing a kid wearing a trilby and him saying faggot.

Yeah.

And that was like rare for him.

He's like, I don't, he's like, I hate that.

He's like,

it's like, why would you wear a hat?

Like, what a faggot.

There was guys wearing like the kind of like mounty, like the fucking, what's his name?

Like the mounty hats.

for a little while too.

Like the

wide brim.

Yeah, the rock and bill winkle hats.

Like the wide brim ones.

I was like a mixologist.

Women about 13 years ago took all the dumb hats for themselves.

Yeah, they did.

And then some black gay guys got in there.

But there was that Carmen San Diego era where white women or gay men were fighting over who gets to be Carmen San Diego.

It was the territory over the hats.

And I think white women won.

Yeah.

Because the fatter ones, the fatter ones took it and then used them in engagement photos.

That was a big one back then.

You're talking about the big wide Pharrell

kind of like

the Pharrell kind of one, but big sunglasses.

The Canadian mountains.

Giant sunglasses.

That's when women started wearing them.

You couldn't even, they were like in disguise.

You couldn't tell what they looked like.

Yeah, no, I love hats.

You know what?

A good type of newsy hat is like the one from the Sting.

That's like a big, big floppy hat.

My dad used to wear those.

Really?

Really?

As your dad, as a child?

No, no, no.

Is that what he did?

He was in the drugsies.

Like, he wore like a big floppy hat.

Oh, that was big in the 70s.

Yeah, yeah.

That was like a

fly in the family stone style.

There's not even like a context where that looks good.

No, yeah.

You look like fucking Heathcliff.

Yeah, like you can look with the old-style hats, they made sense in the time, right?

Like they went with everything else you were wearing.

With the big floppy thing, you always look fucked up.

You look like a dumbass.

Yeah.

Like an asshole dumbass.

No disrespect to my dad, but it's a tough hat.

You know who'd look at one of those?

Sidney Sweeney.

Yeah, that's funny.

Sidney Sweeney, if she was wearing that.

Uh-huh.

She was wearing one of those like goofy.

I'd be like, oh, she's fun, too.

Oh, my God.

She's so funny.

A lighter side of Sydney.

God.

Wow.

I'm going to see if Sidney Sweeney.

How did we get on this Sidney Sweeney thing?

I was just thinking about it.

Brayson and I were talking about how, like, she's beautiful.

They want to act like there's other kind of stuff.

You know how old we are now, though, right?

I mean, this is very much like, you know, who I would love to get a piece of stuff is.

How old is she?

She's 33.

You know, I'd love to get a piece of

Carmen Electra.

I would also love to get a piece of Carmen Electra.

Carmen Electra.

You know, I'll be honest with you.

I met Carmen Electra.

Kind of busted in real life.

Really?

Yeah.

You're joking.

No, in real life?

No.

Yeah, tough one.

Carmen Elektra.

I'm Googling her right now.

Oh, she's beautiful.

This is what she looks like.

What's she looking like?

She's looking good.

We should be liking people our age, like Lauren Bacall or

Faye Dunaway.

Really?

Yeah.

Rosario Dawson.

Yeah, Raquel Wells.

I did meet.

Rosario Dawson's, I think, the only famous beautiful woman I've ever met.

Really?

Yeah.

She did not want to be around me at all.

I really had to be like, please take a a picture of it.

I imagine she probably at this point looks like Jimmy Smitz.

No, she kind of looks.

I realized later, too, I actually had never seen a movie she'd been in.

I just did a computer enhanced age in my head, and I got Jimmy Smith.

Computer enhance.

Yeah, this is tough.

That's tough.

It would be funny to go to that the Sidney Sweeney

bottle signing or whatever that was.

Bottle sign and just stare at the water and go

computer computer in hands.

Or just start making camera-clicking noises.

Computer.

Computer in your hands.

Computer.

Computer.

Does anybody look at her?

She's beautiful.

She's beautiful.

Do you think she looks at the same moon and shit?

Like when you look up?

Yeah, when I look at her.

It's just nice that I'm looking at that moon and she's looking up at that same moon.

I always think about how other chicks are looking up at the moon when I look at it.

Yeah, I never look at the moon.

I never look at the moon.

Unless it's doing something really cool.

Like, you know, when sometimes the moon's like blow

yeah it's like it's a blood moon yeah whatever that's crazy but i look at it every night when it gets bigger for some reason that's fucked up i don't understand what's happening i think we're closer or it's closer but it's got to be like twice as close as it normally sometimes it's huge and it happens like it's just like okay today it doesn't make sense it doesn't make sense you know it's like what the fuck is going on how fast they should put amber alerts telling us why

all of our girlfriend's pussies are connected to that or something that doesn't even it makes rather

make sense.

It's the cycles.

What are they talking about?

I look at the moon every single night because it's crazy.

There's a moon.

Yeah.

We have to destroy it.

Yeah.

We have to let the waters flow because the moon is what keeps water in check.

Elon Musk is going to go there.

I think it's Mars as he wants to go to.

But I think you might go to the Mars.

You have to start on the moon.

I feel like it seems like, because I'm like, you want to make a Mars base.

Make a moon one first.

Yeah, you make a moon base and then you just put an engine on the moon and drive the moon to Mars.

Exactly.

And then you can bring Mars.

We should bring Mars closer.

Yeah.

We should put Mars where the moon is.

How do you do that?

Like some sort of

ion engine.

We'll figure it out.

We'll figure it out.

Yeah, something like the stratosphere and things like that.

Something with a stratosphere.

Yeah, yeah.

I have no desire.

You'd probably do well up there.

No, I would never.

The idea of getting in a spaceship terrifies me.

Horrible.

I would like to die at sea.

That would be cool.

But dying in space, no.

But not in a submarine.

You'd like to die above the sea.

Yeah, not in a submarine.

Yeah.

That seems awful.

You know, shipwrecked, and then I'm fucking just out in the ocean and getting saved apart by

the money.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Yeah,

I could go.

I could let...

I would let the ships.

Because

we're from the ocean.

That's true.

We're coming back.

Yeah.

I thought we were from Africa.

Yeah, but before Africa, we were in the European Union.

Well, that's how we got to Europe.

We had to go to the European Union.

That's how we got to Africa.

We got to Africa because we were like fish or something in the water.

And then we were like,

what is that?

A banana?

And then we came out of the water.

Lovely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

To get banana.

And then we just immediately started killing the boars.

But

I would not like to die at sea, but I'd like to die in view of the sea.

Like in a beautiful, like an island.

Like in a suicide pod facing the sea.

No, like in an island.

Yeah.

You know, with all of my young loves.

There's no pleasant way to die, really.

I mean, there's got to be OD.

I think in battle is probably the only

way.

Yeah.

Yeah, because he kind of got on top.

Yeah.

That's why.

The adrenaline's rushing.

You're like, you're killing other people.

You're surrounded by death.

Bray said, you have 23 confirmed kills, though, right?

Yeah, but did you kill anybody in Syria?

I tried to.

Did you feel bad?

Do you feel bad about it?

He said they all shot at a house where there was.

You could just like shoot at people.

Because we were fighting from like 300 meters away or whatever.

That's not that far.

It's kind of far.

It's really far.

No.

It's really far.

You can see.

You can still see.

You can see.

No, I don't think I killed anybody.

Oh, okay.

But you could have.

Yeah, I guess.

You feel bad about that?

No.

Okay, all right.

Who was the other guy?

The other guy.

Yeah, like

Sidney Sweeney Sweeney.

You don't know how far away they are.

Could have been Sidney Sweeney.

I know.

If I had accidentally killed Sidney Sweeney in a village in Syria.

Did the government talk to you about that at all?

Did they even ask you?

They asked me to go, yeah.

No, I mean, when you come back,

the government...

No, they did.

They took me aside.

So it's not illegal.

Sure, but I mean, the government will talk to you about stuff that isn't illegal.

Yeah, and so they did.

They brought me into an office.

You can go online and be like, ah, man, I fucking hate Verizon.

And the FBI will start to get to the city.

Yeah, come on.

Oh, what are you going to do about it?

Wait, so what happened?

They brought you to the federal building?

No, no, at the airport.

They brought me into.

At the TSA?

That's it?

No, he was like a guy.

He wasn't wearing the uniform.

He was like a guy.

I think it was like a homeland schedule.

And it was just one time.

Yeah.

I mean, they've taken me aside at other times when I've flown and asked me questions, but not related to Syria.

So they took me aside and then they

asked me a bunch of questions.

Like...

Like, who are you with?

Like, did you ever shoot this?

Did you ever, because it's illegal to use some kind of like RPGs and shit like that.

I think it's like illegal.

They asked me about specific weapons.

Even if you're in Turkey or Syria.

Yeah, I just said, I don't know.

I don't know.

I just acted like two IQ points dumber than I actually am.

And I just said, I don't know for a really long time.

That's it?

Yeah, that's it.

It's not illegal.

It was so because Obama was president.

But they also, like, no, Trump was president by then.

Really?

Obama was president when I went.

Trump was president when I went.

Trump let you get away with that crap?

He didn't really fully

take in charge.

But they ask you a bunch of questions, but it's not illegal.

And so the funny thing is, though, I did know another dude who went over there who is from the subcontinent.

And they like raided his house twice.

Like the FBI came to his parents' house.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they like, he's not from, he's from America, but like they came to his house, busted down the door, asked his family all these questions.

And everyone I know in Europe got arrested at one point or another.

But in America, if you fight for a non-state actor against another non-state actor, it's technically not illegal.

Interesting.

Oh, you weren't fighting for a foreign government.

So I could go to Italy and just kill the mafia.

Yeah.

It's legal.

Yeah.

It's legal.

I think you could do it.

Wait, that doesn't make any sense.

How is it not?

Isn't it still murder?

Yeah, but they can't.

I mean, if they prove that you do it, you know what I mean?

If I went to another country and killed somebody.

Yeah, but murder's legal.

And I'd be like, well, it's not non-state ideas.

But in war, murder's legal.

Well, no, I mean, it's not.

I don't know.

I knew it at one point.

But, like,

maybe if you have footage of you killing somebody, you could run into some problems there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But like if you, which I didn't, I had nothing, like, I had no things that I brought.

I brought back a couple of things, but not like, I didn't have any footage of it.

Sand.

Sand.

A bag of sand.

Soil to grow a new James Carville.

The Syrian James Carville to rescue Assad.

That would be awful.

But I, yeah.

What we've got to do is let Israel take as much land as they want.

It's happening.

It's crazy.

Yeah.

You see Nebbiola.

Yeah.

It's pretty awesome.

And they're just going in there, and they keep having this Jelani guy come out and be like, there's no problem here.

Yeah, he's like, it's all good.

It's fine.

Check it out, guys.

I got a blazer.

Yeah.

I love that the guys who don't like him are calling him just Julani.

Yeah, it's very funny.

Julani is so good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he is.

It's like, what is there?

Now,

they're just...

Like, if you're having to put up a screen for that in the media, you're like,

look, I mean,

come on.

They need to take stuff.

Yeah.

But the Biden guys have just 10k left, right?

I know.

There's not even a fake pretense.

There's nothing.

There's nothing.

Because, like, their whole thing, they bombed, like, Israel has bombed all of Syria's like hundreds of airstrikes in the past like week.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All of their, like, military stuff, probably a bunch of other shit, like, that they need to run a country.

They bombed, like, the passport office.

But, like, Israel has just done a completely unrestricted bombing campaign.

on the new Syrian government or whatever.

And, like, the ground invasion is the most incredible thing.

Because I'm like, well, what are you even doing?

You're just driving tanks.

Well, it's in case.

In case, you know, there's like, you don't want, you don't want like,

there could be a threat.

Right.

Yeah.

It could be a threat.

And then the people in power are saying, like, nope, no threats here.

Yep.

So it's like, I don't, no other country can do that.

Turkey's kind of doing it too.

Yeah.

Oh, but yeah, but we couldn't invade Canada and be like,

just in case something bad happens.

They might have something bad.

Yeah, there might be people in Canada who don't like it.

Well, I will say they do want to invade Mexico.

Yeah.

Yeah, to get the cartel.

Yeah, like we're going to send our boys in.

And it's so amazing.

I get like that sometimes.

I'm like, you know what?

Well, maybe I'll illegally immigrate to South America.

You think

you'll go revert like Pascal?

You have the Panama house.

I do it because I'm not necessarily an open borders guy.

You'll go down the Darien.

It should cut both ways.

If you want open borders, then it's got to cut both ways.

I can go to Veracruz.

I can own property.

yeah, I'll do whatever, I'll get a job, not pay taxes.

That should be available to me, yeah.

And I'm not doing any paperwork, I'm not

getting a passport, I'm not doing anything, I want money from the government because I don't know Spanish, no papers, right?

Exactly, yeah.

I want to paint houses.

I'm going to go down there and demand a sex change, I'm going to go down and just get drunk in the Homo Depot parking space.

Yeah, yeah, I think you should.

The Mexican cruise down there, the Mexican Home Depot, Homo Depot, Hom Depot.

Home Depot.

Hon Depot.

Imagine how lucky they'd feel to be going by like a Home Depot in the outskirts of Mexico City and see a white boy.

A white guy with a Spider-Man backpack.

You screech of the priest there.

It's stopping.

Yeah, come on in.

Yeah, you got a tour of the white t-shirt.

And I'm like, sure.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, absolutely.

You get made CEO of a company.

Just do that Kenny Powers thing down there.

But they want to send the SEALs down there.

They got to send that guy that killed Bin Laden.

They love.

That guy.

I know.

And that guy.

That guy.

Because his whole thing is he's like, he did that and then retired.

It's like, well, you, it seems like you leveled up.

You should keep going.

You just killed us on Bin Laden.

Get to work.

I want a war with Mexico so that the veteran chic look.

Because, you know, now it's like they've imported

instead of the Kefias, but they get the big pointy shoes and the sombrero.

A giant oversized shit.

And we get Tim Kennedy on Rogan We had Kenny Davidson shirt.

Sombrero.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he's like, it's all about multivitamin.

No, they would do ponchos.

Yeah.

They would only do because that's like the, that's the Mexican version of the caffeine.

Yeah, that's not as fun.

It's not a bandolier.

Yeah, but it's kind of a good look.

Yeah, mariachi look would be fire.

But I'm like, what are you guys going to go down and just like rappel down into a village and just like shoot 30 Mexican 15 year olds?

Probably finish the job.

Finish the job.

You said yourself.

Well, that's there's yeah, yeah.

It's a cartel.

Yeah, it's the cartel.

Maybe I should just go down there.

You should.

But I feel like if things go south for me here, my options are, and this is for you, too.

It's Israel.

Well, that's always.

That's my number one.

That's always.

But China, go to China.

They don't work in something.

They would need a white guy for something.

No, if things go south for me here, I'm getting a job at Best Buy.

And I would love it.

You'd be great at that.

I would love to be...

You know, sometimes they have the special, like the guy that's a brand rep at Best Buy.

If I could be the Sony television guy,

just the absolute rudest guy that works in Best Buy.

No, no, they're never rude at all.

I love talking.

I caught one of them.

They had one at the Union Square.

What is Sony doing?

And I was like, yeah,

I got a Z9D at home, which was the flagship television from 2016.

I remember when you got it.

Still one of the best.

I had to wait two years.

Yeah.

The price come down.

It was $7,000 MSRP.

I got it for under two grand a couple years later.

I had a Camel, Camel, Camel Alert.

And I pulled the trigger on it.

They have not made a better television since.

Wow.

Except maybe now with the Bravia 9.

I recommend the Bravia 9.

Well, the Sony guy was like, he's like, even the Bravia 7 blows your piece of shit out of the water.

He's like, that aggressive about it.

I was like, I don't know.

He's like, yeah, but the viewing angles.

Bravia 9.

I'm like, brother, I live in a football.

What's it, $9,000?

It's massive.

Well, they come in different sizes.

Okay, you're right.

No, that was like a.

But, no, it's actually.

$2,000.

Yeah, I'm surprised by the pricing of the top-tier Sony televisions.

The 85-inch Z9D was $100,000.

The picture is amazing.

Yeah.

The picture is crystal clear and it works very well in brightly lit areas.

That's pretty good.

Picture is amazing.

I love the picture and immaculate sound quality of the television.

Very well executed.

It's possibly the OLED killer.

It is the OLED killer.

What is OLED?

I have an OLED.

It's an organic light-emitting diode, I think.

Organic light-emitting diode.

You've been to my house.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You didn't say anything, but yeah.

I have an OLED, 65.

Yeah, but we don't have the TV on.

What?

We don't have the TV on.

We were watching the big games.

We don't watch the TV.

Don't say Super Bowl.

Don't say Super Bowl.

We fuck.

When I go to your house, we fuck.

Yeah, but I watch.

We have fucking sex with each other.

You know what I love doing?

Having fucking sex.

Yeah, I mean, what are you talking about?

We have the TV on.

Babe, we're working.

I love having fucking sex.

That's crazy.

We get down to business when I get over to that house, and we just take

our shit off and we fuck on the bed.

Yeah.

That's that song, Let's Get Down, Let's Get Down to Business.

Yeah, exactly.

Sex with a God.

Yeah, with your boy.

There's no greater feeling on this planet.

Let's get down to the brass tacks here.

Yeah, yeah.

It must feel like seeing wicked when your girlfriend wants to see it just with your boy.

Because imagine how jealous your girlfriend is if you saw Wicked with your boy.

Just walk in the door laughing, there's calm dripping off her face.

But imagine how much more jealous has she been.

Like, yeah, we saw Wicked, and then you know what we did?

We went and fucked.

Me and the guys went and saw Wicked with your face.

You know what she would say?

You know what she would say?

You saw Wicked without me.

Yeah, you saw Wicked without me.

That would be the first order.

Oh, did they finish?

You saw Wicked Without Me.

You saw Wicked without me.

You knew I wanted to see it.

We fucked.

We fucked it up.

Also, we're gay.

We got kicked out of Alamo Draft House because we were in there in the bed.

Yeah, we did it loud style.

Yeah, we were talking to you.

And we were wearing do-rags.

We were fucking and sagging in the Alamo draft house.

Yes, and I did keep my shoes on.

And I put a little bit of his cum on the spicy chicken sandwich that they gave me.

Dude, that's the other thing, too.

Their food sucks.

The food is disgusting.

It's a worse.

It's just, and they just because they give it to you on a plate,

it's fucking NMC shit, but they're like, oh, it's called like the, like, the Quentin Tarantino burger.

Yeah, it's called the Royale with cheese.

Yeah, exactly.

No.

Grow up.

Grow up.

Eat.

You know what you do?

You do what I did.

You bring food in the theater and you eat it out of your fucking parker.

Yeah, yeah, that's how I do it.

You bring a bib and bop in there.

You just fucking spoon it in.

You spoon the bib and bop in your mouth.

Let's sit next to you.

You know what I bring in?

I bring in a fucking sizzling fajita plate.

Yeah.

I'm cooking in there.

Cook it in there.

And then when I'm full, oh, nothing fucking.

I'm bringing a fucking George Foreman in here.

Watch it wicked, and now I'm full, and I'm going to fuck my male friends I came here with.

Go back to Wednesday.

I came down with them.

You saw Wicked Without Me?

Fuck the draft house.

No, fuck that place.

Fuck that place.

They should have a theater with no rules.

They close them all down.

I know, they close them all down.

I don't want to say it, but they are typically in the city.

They need to normalize

tipping waiters at the draft house.

Crazy.

And it's because it's like you want them to go get another job.

Yeah.

I trip the the waiters at the draft house.

Go be a waiter.

They're running wrapped out there.

I'll tip you when you're at Ruby Tuesdays.

Not here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My girlfriend is a waiter at the Alamo draft house.

Oh, really?

Yeah, and it seems like a miserable job.

Yeah.

You're not tripping.

If I don't have my friends, I would be like poisoning them here and there.

Yeah.

I mean, I think she's just running.

You're hunched.

Because it's like being a normal waiter, except you're hunched.

You're walking in front of someone's movie.

And in front of you.

We're not allowed to talk about it.

The rise of Skywalker is playing.

It's ridiculous.

And which one is your friend that worry?

I feel like it's all like low IQ men.

This is a friend of Down syndrome.

Yeah, it's my friend

with Down syndrome.

Oh, okay.

No, it's my regular friend.

Every waiter I've had.

What do you mean regular?

Draft house.

He's a regular.

Oh, he's white.

No.

Have you been here before?

Yeah, have you been here?

They go, have you been here before?

And you're like, yes.

You're like, okay, so you write your order down on the card.

Why did you fucking know?

Yeah, exactly.

Why did you ask me this?

What do you think?

You have a pencil at the movie theater what do you think i'm like i can put two and two together just i just fucking want to watch wicked

wicked i want a bell to ring

i bring one i bring a little bell to every restaurant

i go to the bottom

of a hotel there's attention that's because that's how you get

yeah i use a i use a laser pointer and put them in the office yeah that's that's that's how you do it

god what a tool i can't believe we don't have one i do that everywhere i go i go

Retail employee.

You can't probably get a piece of paper.

I pointed at the penis.

Excuse me,

right in their eyeball.

The good thing is, too.

Excuse me, sir.

If the waiter's across the restaurant,

you beam him with that.

Excuse me, sir.

You lead him with a trail on the ground.

It's pointed right at his penis.

Sexually harassing him.

Excuse me, sir.

Right in their eyeball.

I do it on the fucking screen, too.

Yeah.

I like to go to the movies.

Yeah, but not.

not, you know.

I've been to the movies in like six months.

I don't want to say that.

I saw a Nora.

I thought it was.

Adam hated it.

Snora, you think?

Well, I, I, first of all, it was an hour too long, but then, second of all, I've completely misunderstood the ending, apparently, according to everyone.

What do you mean?

Well, at the end, she fucks, and I thought she busted

and then she starts crying.

But everyone I've talked to said that

on the car ride home, I was like, clearly she busted, and then started crying.

And my girlfriend's like, what did you see?

And then I'm like, guys, get a little bit.

My girlfriend didn't didn't think she busted.

And everyone's like, what are you talking about?

You mean

she does like a jerk like this?

Like she's having an order.

No, I thought she did like the coming thing.

That's not what women do.

Typically, they're foaming from the mouth.

No, women, from what I understand, you're over top of them with the laser pointer.

When women orgasm, they just say, hey, like, let's take a break real quick.

And then they go in the other room.

Did you know years ago I was charged with rape at laser point?

Charged with the crime of rape at laser point.

Who knew?

Yeah.

Who knew?

I didn't know that.

Where is that in the rule book?

String of crimes.

I mean, multiple women being raped at laser point

at the Alamo Draft Act.

Just holding it like this.

They're off.

What did he look like?

She's like, I don't know.

I can't see it.

It's all spots.

It's all just a big.

It's a big spot.

All right, thanks a lot, guys.

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