The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Geoffrey Asmus - Episode 82

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Fabuloso 2x concentrated formula provides two times more active ingredients versus non-concentrated fabuloso original.

Use as directed.

Hey guys, it's Cheekies from Cheekies and Chill.

Cleaning today, well, not exactly my idea of fun, but wait a second.

Is fabuloso involved?

Because that's different.

Cleaning with fabuloso 2x concentrated cleaner turns chores into fiestas.

Fabuloso pairs twice the concentrated cleaning power with long-lasting lavender freshness.

From showers to countertops, floors to doorknobs, it leaves your whole home smelling and feeling like a fresh oasis.

You may never love cleaning, but you will love a home cleaned with fabuloso.

So make your home dramatically clean with fabuloso.

Pick some up today at your favorite store.

Fabuloso two times concentrated formula provides two times more active ingredients versus non-concentrated fabuloso original.

Use as directed.

Welcome to the Adam Freeland Show.

Yes, today.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Yeah.

I was saying it.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

And happy Kwanzaa to all of those who celebrate.

When does that start?

Do they have a black calendar?

Does it change every year?

Yeah, it's late.

Come on.

Wow.

Come on.

Well, I wouldn't say it's late, but it starts in 1964.

Yeah, it's 1943, right?

Yeah,

it would be like 67.

No, it's 1920.

It's the Harlem Renaissance, right?

It would be the year 52.

It wouldn't be 19.

It's B.C.

still.

They don't have their Christ.

So when was Kanye?

They believe in Christ.

When was Kanye's first album?

That's zero for them.

Zero?

That's college drop album.

Inauguration of Barack Obama.

It's three.

That's zero.

So it's the year A.D.

12.

I don't know.

I actually went to the African American History Museum in D.C.

I know, and you snicker.

There's nowhere else.

He said that I walked around snickering.

No.

I learned a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Good.

It ends at Obama, right?

Really?

They're like, nothing's happened.

Well, they made the museum during Obama, so then it just ends there.

Kamala's pissed.

Yeah, and then I've said this before.

There are a ton of Cosby stuff.

There was a ton of Cosby stuff up that they haven't taken

before.

They probably still deny that he did it.

I didn't snicker.

There's nothing to laugh at about what Bill Cosby did.

He was a doctor.

He lived in Brooklyn Heights.

Theo was giving him a hard time.

The Reverend Dr.

Was he a doctor?

What is this death stare you've got going on right now?

I know you're a big Cosby fan.

I'm just

kind of out of it.

Yeah.

There's a threshold after like 3:30 p.m., coffee doesn't do anything, and I switch to energy drinks, and I didn't do that.

I've just pounded coffee.

Let's get you a rock star, dude.

We could take it again.

No, no, you know me, man.

This whole thing's not conducive to my schedule.

I wake up at 4 a.m.

and then I'm good to go until 11.

And then from 11 a.m.

until about 4 p.m., I'm dead.

Yeah, this is the crash time, right?

Yeah, right, exactly.

Yeah, I'm a nine.

I need a big nap, and then I'm good to go from, you know.

The most productive I've ever been is when I would wake up at 5, I'd go back to sleep around, yeah, 11, and then I'd wake up again at 1.

He does that one of those whipping rituals, like the flagellants.

Yeah, self-flage.

We just just had adrian adrian on earlier oh gosh granny from entourage right

oh i thought you meant adrian not pellucci i did mean

oh yeah oh yeah

oh i was like adrian brody so she's probably having a big week thanksgiving yeah yeah

that's the national holiday for people like her that's true yeah for people

like her

i didn't want to say anymore

because of christopher columbus and she's a talent Yeah, she's Italian.

There we go.

Amen.

And Christopher Columbus, who came up with Thanksgiving.

Yes.

And she's eating a lot.

She loves her.

To celebrate.

It's being Italian.

Her heritage.

Just three turkeys, four turkeys.

I mean, the whole flight.

The prejudice that Columbus experienced on behalf of the Native Americans were so prejudiced.

They hated it.

She started cooking early.

She's like, you know, when are we having dinner?

It's like at 7.30 a.m.

They're like, why did it have to be the Italian?

I discovered us.

I understand you're very Italian.

But I don't know if we should be having dinner at 9 o'clock in the morning.

I don't know if it's spaghetti and meatball hours.

I'm going to get started on the pie.

Oh, you're making a pie.

Make?

You're Italian as well, Jeff?

No, no, thank God.

Pure bread.

Hold on.

Pure bread.

You can't say it that way.

Pure bread.

What is

azimuth again?

There's like nadir and azimuth.

Azimuth is like the highest you are and when you're flying or something.

It's something with flight.

It's something with flying.

Okay.

The azimuth, yeah.

Right.

And then there's nadir.

I remember learning the lowest.

The moonless.

Yeah.

It's like a

in an elliptical thing.

Oh, you're saying because my name sounds like azimuth.

Right.

There you go.

I was wondering where the tangent.

Okay.

No, I was like, what does that mean?

I was thinking,

what race is that name?

And then that popped into my head.

I'm like, oh, you must be from space.

Yeah, yeah.

You must be like people from the moon.

Yeah, from the moon.

So your Chinese sounds Indian.

Nadir sounds like

Afghani or something.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Nadir Patel.

He has an Ebonic style.

He's my dentist.

He has an Ebonic style stand-up special out right now.

If you guys want to check it out, he has a hip-hop style.

Talking about Curry.

Yo, y'all ever fuck with Curry?

Case on culture.

I was thinking about that the other day.

I hope Neil Nanda came back as a black man.

Oh, my God.

That's a nice thing to say.

He believes in reincarnation.

He believes in reincarnation.

He comes back as Miss Pat or something.

Yeah, he comes back as, like, you know, it's sort of a Mrs.

Doubtfire.

Is that the premise of that movie?

Yeah, yeah.

I think it's a tragedy and then it's a

heroic tragedy.

The trans woman gets like lynched and then she becomes Mrs.

Doubtfire.

Yeah.

That'd be a fun Chris Rock movie where he's like, Chris Rock is like, I don't know what Oppan does.

Suddenly he's that because of the Indian movie.

I remember I'm waving to a bus as it was approaching, and now here I am.

It sounds like a BJP like

that.

Was that a rude thing to say?

I don't know.

I mean, I I think it's hopeful.

I think that's nice.

That's nice.

You want him to come back?

Yeah.

It would be mean if you're like, I hope he doesn't come back.

No, that would be a good idea.

You're a racist.

What's that?

What race?

I would like to come back as an animal, obviously.

A Bengal tiger or maybe a Siberian.

I don't know.

Yeah, yeah.

That would be ideal for me.

Me, Python.

There's only like 20 others you can fuck, though.

Yeah, you would be.

I've said it before.

If you were to die and be reincarnated, you would come back as the girl snake character from Coming Panda.

Why girl?

Because I know karate?

I think that's just just what you are.

Lucy Lou is that snake.

She's one of the best.

And I can fight.

And I'm a Chinese girl snake.

It would be great, actually, to do that.

That would be fun.

Yeah.

Yeah, and I'd tattle on.

I'd tell Adam to eat that apple.

Oh, you'd be the downfall of man.

Oh, wow.

The introduction of sin.

I think the Bible says that they had legs, and then God took them away.

Took them away.

You're doomed to slither.

Oh, the snakes had legs before the apple.

Yeah, the snake.

Before he lost it to Adam.

He got Take it away.

To Eve, actually.

It was Eve, right?

It was the woman's walk.

She took the woman, of course.

Of course, she listens to a snake.

She's like, oh, he's so

hot.

He's so thin.

Oh, my God.

Skinny.

He's so nubile.

Yeah, yeah.

Skinny.

Flexible.

Skinny legend.

And Adam's like, come on, dude.

Then they realized they were naked, right?

Yeah, they didn't know before.

They just thought that was what life was.

They were idiots?

Yeah.

Yeah, so it's really good.

We just would have been like...

They're in a garden, not looking down at their balls and stuff.

Yeah, and thank God the snake did that.

We had to be naked walking around in New York City.

You know, I mean, all that shit's fake anyways, dude.

I believe in evolution because I'm a genius.

Are you for real?

Whoa, you don't believe in God?

I'm a critical thinker.

We should have a debate.

Yeah.

About

that.

Yeah.

Richard Dawkins versus me.

Bring him back.

You're racist.

Yeah, he became racist, right?

Didn't he?

He got eugenics, he actually.

Yeah, he did.

He's like, we come from monkeys, except for black people.

They're still...

He said something like that.

They're not fully there.

Yeah, they're not fully evolved.

I could see that.

Dawkins dropped that?

Yeah.

All your heroes let you down.

Gervais would never.

Gervaise would never.

Yeah.

I feel like Gervais has gotten, it was like cool to shit on him when I was starting comedy.

They were like, oh, that guy's the one.

Because he had that cover where he was like crucial to me.

That was it.

It was that one thing, and then people were like, and then he pushed back against PCs.

He's still funny.

I think he's mad funny.

Yeah.

Yeah, and I think that the British Office is so funny.

Extras is amazing.

Extras was an easy way to watch it.

It's not on anything.

I have to subscribe to Britbox.

Oh, I have to pay for that.

I have to pay for that to my dad.

Imagine you wanted just like a caramel, like a chocolate caramel, right?

And the only way to get it was in like a Whitman sampler.

But then every other piece of chocolate was a steaming pile of shit.

You should take a second.

That's what subscribing to Britbox is.

On my Amazon, I canceled BritBox.

I've done it four times.

My dad re-signs up.

Because he has

like Mrs.

Marple and

his fenders and all that.

No, no, no, not even that.

It has to be period and game.

Who's sharded?

Is the biggest British

sharded?

Who hath sharded?

It's a big bathroom, and there's the manager of the bathroom, and he's uptight, and there's people that aren't flushing, and he's like, oh, the queen's coming, and there's still turrets.

We got to clean these turrets.

Good British humor.

I miss her every day, dude.

She was fucking awful.

The queen?

Yeah.

The queen, yeah.

She had those corgis.

She had to kill the corgis when she died.

What's the other guy that had a turn, Russell?

Brand.

Brand.

Russell Brand.

Yeah, he raped a few women.

Did he?

Oh, yeah.

I thought he just said the vaccine's bad.

No, he got accused of a bunch of rapes.

He liked to praise the Rosary on stream.

Yeah, he's huge religious.

He's like a weird hippie religion.

Pray the Rosary with him.

Yep, yep.

He went deep.

Brand?

Yeah.

Also, I thought he was funny, too.

He was.

forgetting sarah marshal

yeah some good songs in that movie apparently that one guy can get him to to the greek has a problematic pass too which one the black guy

what the black guy uh sean comb combs

yeah

no he's just living a good life i don't know i have been saying no diddy to kids on the subway no diddy when you touch a kid you're like oh no ditty they're like oh you gay and i'm like no diddy

it's the new no-home come on dude i'm 37.

Come on.

Show your friends to a party.

No, did he?

No, come on.

Show a little respect.

I don't know.

What else is going on?

Is he going to kill himself, Diddy?

Puff?

In the jail you think he's going to?

I don't think so.

He probably will.

They said he's going to rat on everyone.

That's what Cat Williams was saying.

But I don't understand.

This is the thing.

I don't understand about the Diddy thing is people keep presenting it as if this is grand conspiracy and not like people getting drunk at parties.

Yeah, yeah, it's like what our famous people are supposed to do.

Well, yeah, it's not like people are like, they keep calling it like an Epstein thing, and it's like

Epstein was gathering blackmail for the government.

I think people didn't know that black people were having that much fun.

I don't think they should have been having so much fun.

I assumed it.

He assumed it.

He does a live stream of his parties.

In senior year of high school,

I was planning the biggest party of the year at my friend's parents' house, and we got them like a spa package for the weekend.

Oh, and then they got to the cat's killer.

Then they got wise to it.

Well, no, I'm from Las Vegas, but whatever.

Yeah, yeah, right, right.

I'm not who you see.

Sorry, I thought you

did assume you were in a city.

Very full, full-blown German assumption.

German in me canceled tickets to Burning Man.

Yeah, dude, so then they got wise to it, canceled.

My dad heard me on the phone, and I was like, We're fucked.

It was supposed to be the biggest party of the year, you know.

My dad's like, you could just have it here.

And so I was like, I was like, it was the coolest, it was the nicest thing he ever did.

And he came back at like three, and some kids were fucking in his bed and stuff.

It was like, it was actually in his your dad's bed well it's my

dad and mom's

yeah but anyway but uh they i was like friends with like uh a lot of the black girls in my class and i was like you know like we're friends at school but we're never like we never hang out outside of school i was like i'm throwing the biggest party of the year you guys need to come and then like for what we thought a party was was like sitting down at a table and just blazing as much and drinking like out of a handle right right and no one dancing no one sitting then they walked in and they were like they were like where's what about dancing And we were like, that is so.

You were too high to move.

I was like, that is incredible.

I was like, this is a party.

Teach us your culture.

And I was like,

I was like, that's incredible.

I was like, we forgot about dancing.

It was really embarrassing.

I was like, it's a cool party, dude.

We're having fun.

We're blazing as much and drinking as much.

We're getting cross-fated.

I didn't know that you're supposed to dance also while you're cross-fated.

I'm not sure either.

I get it.

And that's really, I learned a lot about, I don't know.

The waltz.

The waltz.

Yeah.

One, two, three, one, two, five.

You start waltzing with these Venetian masks on the wall.

I put a gown on, a hoof gown.

And they showed up.

They got powder everywhere.

They used to.

They bullied.

I don't know if it.

They also bullied me a bit because I used to do Harlem Shake.

Oh, no.

And they'd form a circle around me in high school and be like, oh, do the Harlem Shake, Adam.

Because you were so good at it.

And I thought in my mind I was so good at it.

But then in retrospect, I was like, they probably thought it was this guy's loser.

I can't imagine it was good.

It would have sucked to have to go to like a Venetian,

like those parties.

With a mask?

Yeah, like French dandy parties.

I can't.

Other periods in history, I can imagine.

And like the Renaissance, like you have to wear like a million pounds worth of clothes.

You dress up like a clown.

And then

they don't have those corsets on, and then they take them off and they're fat.

The only thing, yeah, the only thing you can do is go to those fucking stemmer and does line dancing basically.

Yeah, they all have to learn the dance of the day.

I would say put me in the Bastille.

Let me work on my memoirs on a little wooden desk.

Put me in an iron mask.

Yeah, man.

I want the iron mask in the shit.

I want the iron mask, okay?

I don't want this fucking makeup shit.

Yeah.

The bitch in the iron mask.

Yeah, I went to one of those parties.

The guys were more beautiful than the hoes.

You know?

They're wearing gorgeous makeup.

I've been having a hankering for re-watching The Man in the Iron Mask for like six months.

And I just watch the trailer, and then I don't put the movie on.

There was an era where it was all French

sword movies.

Well, that and Count of Monte Cristo.

And then they were the Musketeers.

Yeah, yeah.

Count of Monte Cristo was sick, too.

It was a revenge.

Yeah.

Doesn't he just like kill everyone in this family?

Yeah.

Because they double-crossed him.

Yeah, yeah.

It's Keanu Reeves.

Oh, and I haven't seen that.

I don't know.

It seems like

it's like the French John Wick.

And what's the deal with the Three Musketeers?

There's four of them.

I know.

That's always confused, but they add a new one, I think.

He He joins the squad.

I think they're like his three friends, D'Artagnan's friends,

something like that.

But there's four of them.

Yes, there are four.

Athos, Portos, and something else.

Damn, you smart, dude.

No, I was the only man who was a lonely kid.

You've read like Mad books?

Yeah, I didn't have anything.

Niggs also was a kid, yeah.

No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did.

I didn't read Mad.

Nigg's read every single

club.

So there's three

box scarcers.

Every single animal.

I have read a lot of box boxcars.

Those are good.

Those are good books.

They're good.

They're awesome.

Yeah, those kids were hobos.

Those fucking white kids that are homeless.

Those hobo-ass kids.

You live in a train and it's like seventh heaven, but like.

Yeah.

Wasn't the animals like when you moved the pages quickly, it would turn into the animal in the upper right corner.

I always remember that's all I ever did.

I read the book.

It was just a flip book in the corner.

I read a lot of animorphs.

Yeah.

It's funny that that was a whole series because every book it was the same as like, oh, I'm a butterfly.

I read it.

At a crucial moment, you become a different person.

Were the bad guys, the yerks?

Yeah, it was some weird stuff.

The weird bug thing that went into your ear.

Interdimensional things or something.

Not good.

So Xanamorphs is Boxcarto.

Yeah, there's Gooseborough.

The Treehouse of Mystery or whatever, that thing.

Yeah.

Magic School Bus, too.

I remember that as a show.

That was a show, bro.

There were books.

There were little books.

Oh, I think the show was first.

They made a book from the show.

They did, yeah, yeah.

They were going up the kids' novelization.

The only episode of that show I remember is when Carlos gets sick, and so they go, they shrink the the bus down.

Yeah, they go into his body, right?

Which is like such an invasion of the business.

Oh, Carlos, you have leukemia.

Oh, right.

Yeah, Carlos.

Carlos was the wise guy, too.

You were inside.

Yeah, he was.

Carlos.

He was like the Pablo Francisco.

Yeah, yeah.

He was the little tortilla boy.

He was like, what y'all learning in fucking class today?

Like, Carlos, chill out.

They drive the bus.

Yeah,

I'm fucking sick.

I'm fucking sick.

SA, you ever been with a Mexican girl?

She will fight.

Dude, that was my favorite comedy special when I was like

in fifth grade.

That's funny.

At the end of the episode, they go to leave and they're blocked by his father's penis.

They're like, that's why Carlos has a badass.

Carlos is always sick because

he's laughing too often on that episode when I was a kid.

If something like the magic wore off and the bus fully expanded to its real size while they were in Carlos, is Carlos really dressed?

Then the front half of his body is on the street.

Ms.

Frizzle is crazy.

And that's how you get rid of the immigrants' children.

Kill them.

It was like, I don't know.

She definitely didn't have permission slips on for those trips.

No.

My mom wanted to let me go on the trip.

No, no.

Remember there was a school that was upside down?

There were books like that?

Yeah, the upside down school.

They didn't have a 13th floor.

It's too chaotic.

Yeah.

Wayside Elementary.

Yeah, yeah, Wayside, yeah.

Upside stories for me.

Damn, I completely memory hold that one.

And then the big one was: remember

it's like someone is missing, the teacher's missing?

Oh, no.

It's like

a picture book, and there's like Miss Something is missing.

She's like, the teacher and the students are bad, so you know, it's like the next day there's a sub, and she's like a witch lady, and she's really mean and sad.

It's solved the mystery, but it was like, then it's actually her.

Oh, she's like pretending.

She wore a disguise, and they're like, oh, we miss you.

Oh, okay.

God, I have to pick that one up.

Yeah.

To go back and read that one.

That's good.

Yeah.

It's pretty pretty good.

Yeah.

That's good.

Was she the bad guy then, the witch?

She was just a mean teacher, and then they realized, oh, it's the nice teacher at the end.

And

a little bit of a Jekyll and High.

It was a Texas book.

I remember they had the Texas flag in the classroom.

It was about execution.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They were like, maybe she got the death penalty for being retarded.

I can't believe we let a retarded person teach a class.

Death penalty.

Children are off with her head.

They'd probably let a retard teach because the retard's not going to teach about slavery or anything.

You went to public school?

No, Catholic school.

Oh, you're Catholic school.

Catholic.

Yeah.

You wore the little skirts.

That's why you're so well read in the boxcar children.

Yeah, the Catholic school is just a little bit of a animorphs and stuff.

Uniforms were social.

It was strict to Jesuit education.

We were finger-popping in public school reading animorphs.

It was so safe.

No uniforms.

Do you're shelters?

Oh, yeah.

I thought

kids at those kind of schools were batter.

They did, but I was a little bit of a.

Private school kids were battery.

They were, but I was a loser.

I remember my friends that were in private school with like

10th grade, they were like, yeah, we do Coke.

They were doing crazy.

I was like, how do you get Coke?

They were doing all the pills and everything.

Yeah, everybody.

Their parents' pills.

Yeah, yeah.

Big time.

So what was the backstory of the boxcar children?

They're orphaned or something?

Or how did they end up living in a trench?

Yeah, they were orphans and they had to solve mysteries for money, maybe?

That's true.

Do you remember Encyclopedia Brown?

Oh, yeah.

That was always the funniest one because it was always like

Reveal was always such bullshit.

Yeah.

She

stopped when he was shot.

But she

was

Sherlock Colman.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, he got shot through the stopwatch.

Cam Jansen, you remember her?

No.

She had a photographic memory, and she'd solve mysteries, and then at a crucial moment, she'd say, click, and then remember something.

Oh, it seems like cheating.

Yeah, well, it shouldn't be.

I mean, a girl would never be careful.

I don't like that.

And then I would very casually try to bring up the Babysitters Club as if we've all read it.

Yeah.

They've read everything.

I'm like, I remember the babies.

I remember the one where

Babysitters Club.

Yeah, yeah.

Sweet Valley High.

I did watch a lot of that show.

That is a good one.

There was a show and books.

Yeah, and I didn't even know what the books were.

I remember the TV show, Sweet Valley High.

The twins, right?

They were hot.

It was a bad show.

Yeah, the hot twins.

They were hot.

It was a bad show, but there was something very

bright about it.

There was this era of television in the late 90s where I was like, this feels like the future or something.

I was so happy.

Yeah, there was something like that.

Because the dot-com bubble hadn't burst yet.

Right.

I was so excited.

There was something like, oh,

there's something new here.

The internet's going to save everything.

You know what show I liked?

You remember VIP?

No.

With

fucking

Julian Assange's wife, Pamela Anderson.

So sick.

That was Julian Assange's wife?

Yeah, they were married.

Wasn't it?

Barb Wire?

No, no.

Maybe they dated for a while.

That's crazy.

Yeah, she's mad smart too.

Wow.

You didn't know that?

I did not know that.

I just assumed she was stupid, I'll be honest.

You assumed.

That was wrong of me.

That was wrong of me.

She's also not.

She's funny, too.

Really?

She's the only girl.

The only funny woman.

She's the number one.

She's a smart and funny woman.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

Okay.

She's mad funny.

She's a little Pamela.

That was a big go-to joke in the 90s that it was like you just watched Baywatch with the sound off.

I think Friends was really into that joke.

Yeah.

Sure, yeah.

Yeah, Joey and Chandler would, would, it was implied that they would masturbate together.

David Hasselhoff

walks around getting the cum.

They're like, oh, you thought it was to the girls?

Yeah.

No, I mean, you watch Baywatch, and it's mostly, it's not what you like, they try.

More naked men.

There's a lot of that.

I think the first episode starts off, and it's like the men's locker room.

That's like the first thing you see.

Joey and Chandler love that one.

Yeah.

They're in their lazy.

Isn't that the whole Friends joke is that they're gay?

It's kind of like the underlying.

His people always stink that Chandler's gay, and he's like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no no no no no

they think i'm a fad they should kill all the games he's sarcastic yeah if i'm gay kill there's some straight guys that could be sarcastic it's very funny to watch that show knowing that we're so much matthew ferry would just like crumple into like a fucking opiate where's my vicodin anyone got was that was he a vikodin guy or what was a huge vikoning guy he got into like a jet ski accident and then he got like prescribed vicodin and then was taking it and then like at one point he because you know you don't shit when you're on it.

Oh, dude, he just like his colon just exploded internally, and then he was in a coma for like six months.

I might pick up his book.

Where's that episode?

The one where his colon explodes?

Yeah, that's what they call it.

They hit it from the public.

They took that.

They put him in baggy clothes, like when an actress is pregnant.

Didn't he, like, forget like three or four seasons?

And they have to get Ross to eat all the shit out of his ass to save Chandler.

Yeah.

So you got to get human centipedes.

If it's to save Chandler,

oh, you just shit.

We were on the bridge.

It's me, shit-eating Ross.

Rachel got so mad at him about that.

He's like, look, I've had blackface.

Finally, a black character.

Finally, a joke on this show.

Oh, it was a great joke.

You think Al Jolson had like groupies?

You think

they were girls that were trying to get backstage?

Al, don't take the face paint off.

I mean, it's something that a performer is famous.

famous, there have to be girls that are trying to laugh.

But it was women in blackface.

Yeah, you think they were like...

You can't come back here unless you create black.

He was sort of like the insane clown posse of his time.

It's true.

Yeah, if you think about it.

He's the drag, yeah, drag of the time.

Did he paint his lips really red, too?

Yeah.

Was that part of it?

Yeah,

I don't think so.

They were red.

They might be wrong, if you ask me.

That was the bad part.

The whole thing was wrong.

The whole thing was a bad thing.

What did he do?

He danced and sang?

Was it funny?

Was he a comedian?

I think he was getting pops.

Jesus, yeah.

He had a couple good laughs per minute.

He had a couple of million view reels.

He was the king of crowds.

The other big one was Amos and Andy, which was a radio show.

And it was two white guys who were like, oh, boy, you're going to make some gumbo today, boy.

But the crazy part is they would do blackface.

Even though it's audio on the bottom.

Right.

Yeah.

They're completists.

Yeah, they're professionals.

You got to respect that.

You got to respect that.

Amos and Andy.

They just played two black guys.

Right.

Really?

You stay away from Miss Olson now.

Don't touch her.

Remember what happened to Emmett?

No, come on, dude.

Oh, that was too fun.

Not on the anniversary.

My bad.

We had a closer rough.

Not on the anniversary.

Was it today?

Sure.

No, oh, God.

Then I would have actually felt pretty bad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I wasn't laughing at that, by the way.

I know you've said it to me before, but I actually,

the Emmett Till

thing at the museum was the saddest part of the entire museum.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Unlike Jeff.

I mean, even race aside, it's such a tragic story.

So you're anti-vatic.

You're a boy being murdered.

No, I'm pro-vatic.

It is so sad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And his mom says he wants an open casket because she wants the world to see.

Oh, yeah.

That's the saddest part.

Yeah.

I mean, no, that's not the saddest part.

The murder is the saddest part, but that also break heartbreak.

And that lady was lying.

Didn't he just whistle?

That's all.

That didn't even fucking happen.

She made it up.

Jesus.

And then that lady, like, fucking...

What did she do with the rest of her life?

Her daughter was like, my mom, she died, but then, like, I think it was the daughter was like, my mom always wanted her story to be told, and she felt like she was a victim, too.

Oh, my God.

She's like, shut up, bitch.

Shut the fuck up.

She should have lynched her, too.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, definitely.

At her funeral.

I agree with the husband getting off.

But the woman should have...

She clearly influenced him into fighting, been like, are you going to be a bitch the rest of your life?

Yeah.

He was clearly.

You know, it was the last rope or whatever.

Last rope.

Oh, God.

Can we kind of.

Oh, no.

I shouldn't have brought it up.

So you're auntie.

Caroline.

Can I see Bryant?

That was her name.

That was her name.

Okay.

Okay.

I didn't know.

Oh, she got.

Hopefully.

No.

Oh, God.

She was busted.

No, terrible.

Oh, no.

Yeah, imagine just like...

That's what she wanted to tell her husband.

No, men like me.

No, she's not.

Other men are attractive.

She was like

one of the Gary Larson drawings.

A big ward on her nose.

Yeah, like a lady like that.

Just a very severe woman.

A very severe-looking woman.

Objectively, one of the worst people ever.

Yeah, she looked kind of like Gary Sinise, I think.

Well, speaking of, Black Friday is coming up and Cyber Monday as well.

get rid of speaking of.

I don't want to.

I don't want to.

It's not.

I say Gary Sinise, when he's new in Hollywood, he introducing people himself to people.

He goes, I'm Gary Sinise.

And they go, Gary Zanus?

That's why he became a Republican.

He's like, it's Gary Sinise.

And it's like, okay, Gary Zanus.

It was an Ellis Island thing.

If that's your name, it's fine.

I guess Hungarian.

And it took him till Apollo 13 before people stopped calling him Gary Zanus.

Yeah.

Because they couldn't hear what he was saying.

Terrible discrimination.

Yeah, that's terrible.

Like a lot of people, my grandparent, parent, or other family member are not the most tech savvy, so it seems weird to get them a tech adjacent to.

Why don't you go behind a little division here and get the thing?

I'm reading the thing.

I know, but it's behind the actual.

Today's episode is brought to you by Aura Frames.

Maybe you've seen these.

Okay.

But we got a deal with them, and I told my aunt about it, and she was like, can you get me one of these?

They love it.

Old people, fucking, the holidays are coming up, And I'm telling you, any

fucking old family member.

They love that picture.

They think this is, first of all, I mean, it's like, you know, if you're younger, you're like, well, I can just look at a picture on my phone.

It's on my phone.

The fact that you can put a digital image into a frame.

These collages on the frames.

These are great.

They love it.

My grandparents loved these.

And maybe the client doesn't want us selling it like this, but it's like a thing that I can't really...

It's like, I understand why the cat likes a cat toy.

And this is like cat, it's like cat toys for if you have a senior citizen citizen.

If you have a senior citizen or like a boomer in your life, get them one of these.

You have nothing really in common.

You won't have to buy a good gift for another fucking city.

This is a guaranteed slam dunk gift.

Okay.

So it seems weird to get them a tech adjacent gift, but Aura's digital frame is actually perfect.

That's because, yes, it's tech, but

it's like a picture of them, an iPhone picture of them saying cheese somewhere in this thing.

In Cabo.

The one time you took a family trip.

Exactly.

And then where they're taking the picture is like at the airport.

It's somewhere where there's no identifying.

Because the rest of your vacations were to see your grandparents.

Right.

Just mid-stage.

She ought to take a picture.

And then you went to Mexico one time and your dad you drive and then you drove into a bush and he said

you had to bribe the Mexican army to get out of jail.

But they love these fucking people.

We went to Mexico and my dad at 13 was like, how about you drive?

At 13?

And I was like, This is so cool.

My dad is so cool.

And then I drove into a bush.

He's like,

It was like that.

It was like Tony looking at AJ on AOL in the Sopranos, where there's this look of fucking disgust at me.

I was like, I'm 13.

It was your fault.

You have to tell the Avis,

13-year-old.

No, I drove his expedition into a bush.

Oh my god.

It's a big car.

I go to Avis sometimes to rent a car if Enterprise is out at the airport.

Yeah.

And I'm like, what is this place called?

Anus?

Avis and Andy?

Anus?

Anus and Andy?

Anus.

Avis and Andy.

And they go, no, it's on the sign.

You can see it.

And I'm like, I don't know how to fucking read.

What am I a genius?

Seriously, guys, it's so easy to get started.

It's so exciting piece of shit.

It's so easy to get started that once you do, the tech is incredible.

You can upload photos right from your phone, and in just a click, it'll even pair photos together.

For me, like two pictures of the same person or from the same day.

I hate it when the pictures are

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This is the one.

Do you got a shopping list for the holidays?

And you're like, what the fuck am I buying for, you know.

My great aunt.

I don't even know how we're related.

I don't understand.

I don't know.

I shouldn't have an aunt if I'm over 18.

I shouldn't even know a cousin.

Unless they're rich, you shouldn't have an aunt.

My family's been like, why are you?

But this thing's nice.

It's sturdy.

The problem is, it's like if you want something like...

Your grandpa's going to airdrop you.

You either got this brand or like a Chinese thing that's going to set your house on fire.

Yeah, yeah.

So go with this.

Wow.

There we go.

Beautiful.

It's aura frames.

It's a great gift, guys.

Seriously.

And Lord knows the people watching this have.

Can't you take it out of the box nicer than that, man?

What?

Don't you have to take it out of the box in such a violent and disrespectful way?

I'm like a Taz Manian Devil kind of guy.

He's destruction.

Yeah,

you know me.

Fucking dope play by society's rules.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I blast through walls

when there's a whole

Tasmanian devil the other day, and I'm trying to remember what the context was.

I don't know what his story was.

He's just always angry.

He was a mute.

He never talked, right?

No, you're Jabba.

Yeah, he had some mental illness.

He was angry at the world.

The world didn't help him.

Yeah.

He was supposed to be like a Pharaoh boy or something, I think.

Oh, is that what he was?

Like a wolf kid?

Yeah.

Okay.

I think he was supposed to be like a home like a kind of a he looks like he's from like Brushwick.

Like you do the road a lot right now.

Brushwick I fucked it up.

I was gonna say oh Mr.

Genius knows everything except the name of the neighborhood.

Brushwick.

Maybe if you hadn't read so many fucking books you know how to get around town.

Yeah maybe you could learn how to skateboard with other adults.

Yeah.

You go to Brushwick.

Brushwick.

Maybe you could practice all these with 43-year-old guys.

I just found out somebody famous lives in Bushwick the other day and I was like, that's insane.

Like how famous?

Like a rich again.

man.

Like Justin Bieber kind of something like that.

And I was like, why would you live in Bushwick?

It's nice.

No, it's not.

You like it, man.

I never want to go back.

We live in Brooklyn.

You can't lie to us.

Ick it's got some birds.

I live in Bedside, actually.

I live in Bedside.

Much better.

Beautiful.

Very, beautiful.

Gorgeous place.

Totally different than Bedsheds.

I live in Bedside.

Bedside.

Beautiful old.

Yeah.

We don't have German people going on graffiti tours through Bedside.

Yeah, German tourists.

Yeah, they're trying to make...

It's a biggie monument.

Yeah, street, like on tourist books, they're like the street art in Brushwick.

You've got it.

Yeah, that was a big thing on Groupon because I was thinking about it the other day because I think I have to reschedule some dental work, and I used to just use Groupon to get all my medicine.

Really?

Yeah,

that a thing.

Yeah, you go on Groupon, you get a teeth cleaning for like fucking 20 bucks.

Incredible.

But it's like a student learning how many teeth you have.

Yeah, 10 years ago when you would open.

No, you don't have to go.

It's like a real dentist.

Yeah.

You know, they just get you in there because then they have a file on you, and then the next time you come back, it's pay full price, it's a fucking million dollars.

Yeah, yeah, that's where they put it.

But uh, it used to be like 10 years ago, you would go on Groupon, and the number one thing in New York City was like, learn how to fucking tag and do graffiti, yeah, like a picture of like a white family.

So embarrassing.

I told you, I was in I was in Dumbo once, and there was like a bunch of rich white kids at graffiti camp.

Oh, like it was like summer, yeah,

and it was like, now we got to practice your tag.

This should just make them inhale the paint the whole time, yeah, so they ruin their brains forever.

Yeah,

that would be good.

Graffiti camp.

I think if my career fails, I will try and do a five pillars of hip-hop style camp for rich white kids.

Five pillars of hip-hop, like Islam?

You're doing the five pillars?

Well, Islam stole it from hip-hop, obviously.

I don't know if you've

watched the show Oz, but they established that.

The Hajj was stolen from Jaw Rule.

The Hajj to Mecca is, yeah, of course.

It's a.

I don't know.

It's going to a freak off at Diddy's Park.

You have to go to a freak off.

The term freak off is so funny.

It's just having sex.

It sounds like.

It's just having sex with two people in one night.

They're like, that's crazy.

Yeah, yeah.

Suburban moms in Kansas say are like, what the fuck?

Is that what a freak off is?

Having sex with two people in one night?

Well, they'd be like, it was just like an orgy.

It's just an orgy.

That's what they called it.

They weren't doing anything.

Crazy.

I don't know.

It would be fun to go into the freak off and you just have like a Zippo Zippo lighter and you're like doing tricks with it.

Or the guy with devil sticks.

The finger lights at the EDM concert.

Yeah.

Devil sticks.

Yeah, you're trying to sell.

Every other room's an orgy, but one of them's just you make doing

a guy doing boy.

It's basically a dead lot.

That's where everyone goes after they come and they need to recharge.

Take somebody explaining the dark carnival and the ICP albums, the Joker cards, what those.

You'd be like, I'd rather listen

to 20 minutes.

That's one of the ICP guys, right?

Yeah, there's like a narrative to their first six albums.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And each album is called like a Joker card, and then each Joker card reveals more of the story of the Dark Carnival.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

And then they got to the point.

I remember the sixth one came out, and that's when it's a reveal, and it's like just like fucking like evangelical bullshit.

It's just about

it was God at the end, it's Jesus.

It was Jesus at the end.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

And it turned out also it's Larry the Cable Guy and Bill Ingvold were doing those characters.

I feel like so many ICP fans committed suicide.

They found out this was Jesus at the end.

That'd be so sad for them.

They thought they were like evil badasses.

They voted for Kamala, I think.

The ICP people?

I think that's actually true.

Am I wrong?

They endorsed ICP people.

I think they endorsed Kamala, yeah.

That's why she lost.

20 celebrities.

So it was so confusing for me because I was like, Dick Cheney, no, that's bad.

I shouldn't vote for her.

And then ICP, I'm like, oh, that's good.

That's pretty good.

Mick Foley, she got Mick Foley.

She got Mankind?

She had Mankind.

He did an ad for her.

He's worried about it.

He's like, I'm not sure.

The blue-collar people.

Were you a wrestling guy?

He was doing that.

He's still towards it.

Oh, he's still towards you.

I've always seen him at clubs.

I remember that was one of those names that would come up on the calendar like 15 years ago, and you're like, wow.

He's still doing it.

And Cole Cabana does it too.

I don't know anything about wrestling.

I don't know much.

I know Dwayne The Rock, Johnson, and John Cena.

That was the best.

Come on, you know more than that.

Triple H.

Triple H.

Golden Carts, Kezbola, Booty.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what it stands for.

Sinoir.

Yeah.

Who's the guy who killed his wife and then killed himself?

Come on, Chris Benoit.

Kispenois.

You know so many wrestlers.

I'm trying to think.

Goldberg.

Goldberg.

Goldberg.

Yeah.

Gold dust.

The trans one.

The gay one.

Yeah.

That was like.

Is that true?

He spoils trans.

He's like sexually ambiguous.

He's like, he's like, girl, kisses.

Yeah.

But then he'd be gay when he was fighting a guy, and it was like really a psych.

There was a guy named, and as a kid, I was like, this is crazy.

There was a guy named Mr.

Ass.

And he would wear a thong, or like, you know, like, you know, like

what are they called?

Breeze.

Yeah, brief.

And on the, like, in the back, it would say, hey, pal, check out my ass.

The writers just ran out of ideas.

Well, the whole point was like, he's named as Mr.

Ass, and he's got a great ass.

You know what I ran into while I was walking my dog?

Mr.

Ass?

No, Brian Parisi.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he writes for WWE now.

That's his job.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Because another comic, Canice, was writing for it, and they fired her after two days.

Gary.

Gary Kinese.

Gary Kinese.

Yeah.

His black alter ego.

Wait, Kinese Mofo, you said?

No, Mobley.

Oh, Mobley.

She wrote for it for like two days, and then they fired her because

she didn't know anything about wrestling.

Yeah.

It'd be funny if she became, you know, like somebody hit her in the back of the head with a chair with her neck you know at WWE.

Or somebody pile drived her, right?

Right.

And snapped her neck and then she was paralyzed.

That's why she couldn't write anymore.

Well, and then they have to call her Kness Immobile.

Knisse Immobile.

That tracks.

That tracks.

That was good.

Didn't they just name Vince McMahon's wife the Secretary of Education?

I was going to say, yeah.

I love that.

I saw a clip of like...

They're like, your new Secretary of Education.

It's just like, every time, like, Stephanie or her son slap her, like, like, in the ring and stuff.

Yeah, because she used to like get involved with the fights, and then she used to just get slapped.

And then I

and then I remember that Stephanie was top shot.

I texted Shane.

I texted Shane like two weeks ago.

I was like, hey, she's one of the most beautiful ladies ever.

Yeah.

I texted Shane like two weeks ago.

I was like, hey, dude, I know you probably have some kind of connection with the Trump campaign or the, you know, the, like, you know, the

transition team or whatever.

Can you please put my name in for Secretary of the Interior?

And like, I'm like, I need this.

And then he didn't respond.

And I was like, dude, just following up on this.

The windows closing.

And then

just wanted to bump this.

And then, yeah, and then Shane was like, I can't.

He answered so seriously.

He means that he thought about it.

He's like, I wish I could.

So he really is at the Trump.

Yeah, but it's like, why can't you?

I don't ask you for fucking anything.

Yeah, you haven't asked for a single thing.

I've never asked for anything.

Send it my tape.

This is your first favorite.

Yeah, exactly.

Your first favorite.

Everything you've done for him.

It's not like he wants it.

No, he has to be.

He's a fucking stadium.

They're going to give Stav that fucking job, dude.

He's like, oh, I'm sorry.

I already recommended Stav for Secretary of the Interior.

First Greek Secretary of the Interior.

And I'm like, come on, man.

No, it's all international.

Can't we get a fucking dub here?

Can't we get a dub?

Like, Stav gets the parks also.

He gets all of the national parks on top of it.

They just give him everything.

Right.

What's he even going to fucking do out there?

Do you have a platform for the interior?

What would you do?

No more Native Americans.

Put them in the exterior.

Yeah, we're going to, yeah, exactly.

We're doing something else with them.

I don't know yet, but we'll figure it out.

We're going to call them Mexicans and kick them out.

They're a little immigrated here 15,000 years ago.

I was just going to say these guys are Mexicans.

They've gotten a little too much.

Look at these guys and tell me they're not Mexicans.

No, they have the Navajo look very nice.

I don't care if they have the paperwork or lack of, but to me, visual inspection, this is looking like, you know, you guys got to get it.

They went Trump in the election.

You know that.

65%.

That can't be true.

No one.

Because they're the smartest persons went 65%.

Because everything's based on identity, and they're all part of the casino community.

Oh, yeah, he's a casino guy.

They forget that.

That this guy is like the casino campaign.

He should have got a casino guy.

Apparently, a pro-casino president.

Yeah.

That's huge.

Al Casino.

Have you ever seen him in the movie Casino?

Yeah.

It's just a biopic.

He throws dice.

Ooh, I'm playing dice.

I'm doing dice.

I'm doing dice.

This is the guy who's pretended he's seen Casino.

Yeah.

Yeah, with Al Casino.

He's just lying.

And he's like, dice,

mama mia.

That speech, the casino, Al Casino does.

Ask not what your country can do for you.

Casino.

And I will strike that one.

Yeah.

They're Casino Royale.

I'm James Bond.

Yeah, that's good.

So you're doing James Bond.

That's a good Al Casino.

What's wrong, Greg?

Have you not fucking

never been to a casino before, Greg?

No, that's Robert Casino.

Oh, yeah.

That's his father.

You're doing Robert Casino, not Al Casino.

And then Ben Stiller's like, Israel has a right to defend itself.

Yeah, yeah.

There's nothing wrong with that.

There's nothing wrong with that.

That's a weird part of that movie, too.

There's nothing wrong with Israel.

Hamash attacked, and you have to defend Israel.

And he's like, I don't know, Barry.

Okay, Lord.

I don't know, Gary,

whatever your name is.

Welcome to the casino.

We've all seen Meet the Parents 1, Meeting and 2.

Wow, the Falkers.

Number 2 is Meet the Falkers is so funny.

It's amazing.

It's where the baby says fuck or something.

No, it's where Dustin Hoffman and Streisand play Falkers.

The Falkers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But doesn't the baby, like, he teaches the baby to say a bad word or something?

Yeah, he's like training the baby to shit or fuck or something.

Yeah.

Great.

We watch that all the time as kids.

It's just, yeah, it's so fun.

Like, those type of parents that are like overly like were they like hippies, kind of?

Yeah, but they're like too sexual.

Yeah, yeah.

I went to see either.

I can't remember if it was Meet the Parents or Meet the Falkers, but I went to see one of them with my grandpa in the movie theater.

And there's like an opening shot of Chicago, and it's very clearly Chicago.

Chicago is an easily identifiable city.

And my grandpa, for whatever reason, loudly in the theater, goes, There's the big apple.

And then it says Chicago, and then he was just quietly humiliated for the rest of the movie.

He felt terrible.

That movie tricked me out.

No, how do you even comfort him out?

I don't need to comfort him.

I mean, like, what are you doing yelling out, like, to let everyone know that's New York?

Because in his head, he was probably like, that looks like a different.

Back then, they had the two towers, too.

It's so easy to know.

He probably thought it was like the Gowanus inlet or something.

And he wanted to let people know.

He had a stumbling.

Yeah, he wanted to let people know, oh, I know New York.

That's Gowanus, you know.

And so he's like, I got to make sure everybody in this dark movie theater knows that the man vaguely somewhere in the middle of the theater knows a lot about Gowanus.

And so he yells it out, and then it's like obvious that you can see the fucking Sears Tower.

He's good at geo-spotting.

Yeah, and then he just.

That movie sucks.

Yeah, right.

It was terrible.

I hated it.

That movie hated it.

And that's sort of the tragedy of life.

You make it all the way to the fucking 80 and you're still just doing shit.

I'm not drunk.

You're drunk.

You're still just fucking embarrassing.

I worked my ass off to put food on this table.

Sure, I've seen casino.

What happened?

Yeah, he doesn't know.

You know how many Koreans I scalped?

Yeah.

Scalping Koreans.

I scalped.

It just looks like Native Americans.

I fucking fuck guys like you six feet high.

You were in the Coast Guard, Grandpa.

Shut the fuck up.

You don't know what it was like.

Ooh, maybe I'll rewatch Grand Torino tonight.

Wow.

That's a fun one.

Yeah.

Do you have Hmong over in Minnesota?

A lot of Hmong.

You ever see that movie Grand Casino?

You're cool with them?

They got coolin' crazy.

Yeah.

Oh, what are you Chinese?

Meet Chinese people.

I got a cool car.

I'm James Bond, and I got a cool car.

That's spot on.

That's a perfect.

If you close your head, I'm Mal Casino, and I fucking.

You know, welcome to Detroit, Chinese piece of shit.

I'm racist, but I care about it.

He's James Bond.

And I'm James Bond.

I've seen every movie.

Yeah, we know movies, dude.

Are they Hmong in Gran Torino?

Yeah, they are.

A Hmong guy went like crazy when I was a kid and shot a bunch of hunters.

He was like hunting humans like a couple, like an hour in the woods.

Because he was mad they were killing animals?

I don't know why he was mad, but he was going around like sniping other animals.

He was standing up for the animals.

He was a big thing.

He might have thought they were animals.

He was acting.

He was like saving the animals.

Department, the Secretary of the Interior, I would put a stop to that.

I guarantee you.

That would not be happening.

That should be.

Hmm.

If they gave me that job,

Hammond, you wouldn't even know.

They'd be gone.

They wouldn't be Hamong Us anymore.

Right, exactly.

Hmong Us Part 2.

Oh,

the zombies coming.

Look out for the zombies.

It's the Chinese.

Chinese.

And I'm also Chinese.

And I'm James Bond.

So you were cool with them over in.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they got good food.

What about the Ethiopian?

Somali.

Somali.

It's like the Somali thing in Minneapolis.

Yeah, you were cool with them too.

They got great food, yeah.

Yeah.

Good stuff.

Were they in your part of town or you lived?

No, I lived in the suburbs.

Which one?

My dad's always afraid of the Somali people.

You're in Golden Valley?

Woodbury.

Oh, that's where our boy Steve is from, Golden Valley.

Oh, yeah.

I know where that is.

Same idea.

It's such a pleasant name, Golden Valley.

I've talked to his dad.

It's almost like if the town was called A Woman's Pussy.

Nice, warm pussy.

Oh, that sounds like a nice sub-denomination.

A woman's warm and hot pussy.

Welcoming pussy.

Yeah, I love over in a woman's pussy.

Oh, yeah, over there in Woman's Pussy.

Hi, Papa Johnson.

Do you deliver to A Woman's Pussy?

Great.

It's always open.

I want the 555 deal.

You guys remember that?

That was a big win today.

Five medium pizzas or five dollars in.

And I'm black.

And I'm Republican.

And Trump killed me.

30 minutes ago, fuck yourself.

It is very funny that Trump killed that guy.

Which guy?

Herman Cain.

Because he didn't stop having the rallies anymore.

No, no, he died at 50.

Oh, because he was promoting Trump?

No, he got a COVID at a rally.

Oh, yeah, he was like anti-mask.

And he died.

That was so funny.

Didn't Meatloaf die like that, too?

He's dead.

Meatloaf was an anti-vax and died of COVID, too.

Now I'm processing this.

Yeah, you didn't know that.

We could have had Bat Out of Hell 4.

That's a tragedy.

How would that go, Nick?

Bad out of hell, and you're to blame.

You give love a bad name.

Right?

That's right.

That's good.

That's Meatloaf.

I think so, yeah.

Something like that.

Beautiful.

Yeah, that's a good song.

That's a good thing.

I wish he could have done it.

If only he wore a mask.

If only he distanced.

It's been tough without meat, love.

Yeah.

You ever been to Paisley Park?

I have not.

No.

I never got into Paisley.

I'm doing the most obnoxious thing.

You're doing every Minnesota.

But I'm saying every fact.

I never got into fact.

That's really the most obnoxious.

No, you listen.

Yeah, yeah, that could be worse.

What do you mean?

The conniving lying part?

No, it's just shitting your pants in my apartment.

That's not an on a chair.

That's a medical.

That was pretty.

You can't be annoyed.

If someone has cancer, you can't be annoyed by it.

Yeah, and he did really special pants that he was very proud of.

You have to relive those every day.

I shit my pants in my apartment once.

We don't have to relive it.

I really hope you're not shitting yourself.

Wow.

Well, if that's the worst thing about me, he shit his pants in my car and in my apartment.

No, two is too much.

You get one.

I threw up in your car.

Do you know Ronan Hirschberg?

Yeah.

Do you know Ronan?

I used to live with Ronan, and he would take a bath every day.

Wait, wait, so he took a bath.

He took a bath every day.

No, and then I had to take a shit badly, but I was too much of a Midwest passive-aggressive bitch to knock on the door, so I just ended up shitting my pants in our living room because I wouldn't knock on the door to go in there.

That is the slowest moment of my life.

I just wanted to show the younger people.

One of the most passive-aggressive things I've ever witnessed.

Yeah, I wouldn't knock on the door.

Well, I guess I'll just shit my pants.

That's even like dumber than things.

That's even dumber than like a teenager killing themselves.

You know what I mean?

They're like, oh, you're going to break up with me after dating for two weeks?

That was the saddest thing.

First of all, your roommate is a bath guy.

Every morning he takes a bunch of people.

How can you get alpha by that?

What?

You can't get alphed by that.

Can you imagine how bad that would be?

You're like new to comedy and you've been doing it like six months and it's not going anywhere and you're not very good at it.

And you go to an open mic and then a guy whose pants are filled with shit does better than you with the oak crush.

And you're like, I don't.

Should I kill myself?

Yeah.

it's humbling it's humbling you got to shit your pants every couple years yeah

it brings you down at the at the sunday 2 p.m mic peter mike pete am i out of frames

yeah okay all right good

speaking of frames or a frames if you want

45 dollars off or a frames check it out promo code t-a-f-s

yeah you guys in the midwest your politeness is rude to me yeah they're polite till they have to vote away your rights in the voting both then they're in the voting both i don't know why i keep fucking up words with them berswick what the how about in the both and brushwick in bershwick

how about like prairie homo companion yeah he's like wow what's this like a prairie i'm so glad we're here together i love coming to the prairie with you

What's this town?

They're from Lake Wobegon.

Yeah.

Yeah, Wobegon.

Yeah.

Lake Wobegon.

Over there.

They're in Lake Wobegon.

There was one of the biggest gay guys.

Gosh, you know what I love doing?

Sucking cock.

You know, that's oh, yeah.

Nothing gets you through the winter like sucking some cock.

Oh, yeah.

There's nothing better to do.

How to keep warm in the winter.

Yeah.

And it's, you know what I love the most?

That we're best friends.

You know, we're companions, basically.

Yeah, like

it's our little secret.

It's, yeah, we're like

gay guys in the 50s.

Yeah, I like to call each other companions.

I like to cut a hole in the ice and then I stick my ass up from the hole.

Just see what happens.

Yeah, just see what happens.

Overday.

I'm like, Woobegon.

all I clean up my asshole.

Yeah, I got frostbite on my cheeks again.

The Prairie Homo comparison.

Prairie Homo.

Didn't he get canceled too?

Yeah, that was one of the funniest.

He didn't really do anything.

That was a good thing.

He was like, I touched a woman's back, kind of weird.

Yeah, right.

He had a Neil deGrasse Tyson sort of cancellation.

Yeah, a guy took a picture wrong.

Is that what it was?

Kind of.

Eli Wiesel also was another funny one.

The Holocaust guy?

Yeah, the guy that wrote the Holocaust book.

Yeah, he was hiding in a woman's picture.

He'd do anything to survive.

They caught him off.

I didn't check on my gas chain.

They took a picture and his arm was too low.

Oh, my God.

I think if you sort of picked it up, he was also dead.

He was also dead.

She snitched on him after he died.

They had her arm going around and he was doing the shocker.

Yeah.

He's doing the sou-fi.

He'd do anything to survive.

Remember the sou-fi?

Is that what the shocker shocker was called?

Yeah, it was like fucking Dane Cook at his own.

Oh, yeah, it was this.

He's like, this is the middle finger?

But what if you did all the other fingers?

And it's this.

It's like this.

He's like, it's double.

It's both fingers.

I wish I was a fan.

And the entire arena goes, fuck yeah.

Yeah.

This is the greatest joke ever.

Dude, imagine, like, if we were a tour gasm, the three of us.

I can't wait to see how like culturally nauseating everything that we've done publicly is in like 20 years.

Sure.

Like, like when you watch an old Dane Cook's favorite, well, even more than that,

even more than that.

It'll be like an accident.

Like, what the fuck happened that this is?

Like, it'll be.

Let this happen.

I mean, something like, you know, who's the boss?

You know, you watch who's the boss now and you're like, shut the fuck up.

Yeah.

Clip of three guys with a microphone.

Yeah.

They look back in the Adams here that you're like Charles and Charles.

Right, I look like a fucking kid.

They're like bleed asshole.

They're like, look at these guys.

He looks so stupid.

And they made him fucking look so dumb.

He's just upset for him.

Yeah, right.

Exactly.

These guys are just the biggest one.

They don't even have a robot co-host.

This definitely fuck computer.

This is definitely not crunchy or whatever the fuck people are saying.

This is the least crunchy thing I've seen.

Look at the negative aura on these.

Right.

Yeah.

Actually,

realistically, probably like

that's a positive aura.

Here's getting shit.

Still in English, yeah.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah, we just were mandated to speak it.

No, we're not speaking.

This is the future.

Everyone speaks Chinese.

That's what I said.

That's them criticizing.

I said,

because we're owned by China, we all have to speak.

Oh, you're imagining we're still alive in this scenario.

I hope so.

20 years.

We just have to speak Chinese.

I got a good 20 years.

Yeah, I don't know.

Parkinson's fucking.

Okay, I'm not going to be enjoying life.

I'm not going to be enjoying life.

There's a lot of stuff

rapidly.

I'm not going to be enjoying life.

You're going to be too shaky to write the Chinese characters.

It's gonna be a second language for you, and it's just gonna be I have the paintbrush, and I'm trying to impress the giant paintbrush.

I'm trying to impress them.

Yeah,

I was in a podcast with Starvin Nick.

This is no way to treat a Jewish man.

Yeah, well, people won't remember me.

They won't be Jewish people.

They'll be like, can you believe these guys were friends with the former Secretary of Interior and now first female president?

Nick Mullen.

No, stop.

Oh, I thought you were the first.

No,

he's getting the job of Secretary of the Interior.

It could be you.

You don't know.

Did you see they invent a surgery where they just take your fat and like he's so he's seven feet tall now and thin?

They realize you can just squeeze people.

He's dunking people.

We never tried it, but we just put him in a squeezing machine.

These Chinese are innovative.

Yeah.

Who knew it was that

you could do that?

You don't need Wagovi.

You can just squeeze.

Incredible.

And he's the first seven-foot-tall female president.

Did you see that Trump at that like roast, the like Al Smith dinner before the election where he did like 25 minutes?

Did he?

He's roasting everyone.

Yeah, he like was like, he looked at Chuck Schumer.

He's like, Kamala's gonna lose, but like, don't worry.

Like, your party's so woke.

It's a woke party.

It's very, I think Nick DiPaulo wrote his set.

I'm pretty sure that's actually true.

That's true.

Yeah.

And he's like, your potty's gotten so woke.

Chuck, you could still become the first female president.

And Chuck Schumer's just sitting there like, oh my God.

He's just still even like.

keep sending the weapons.

This is Chuck Schumer every time.

Yeah.

I don't understand why he wears glasses.

Show me, find me a video of Chuck Schumer.

Well, use it with glasses.

Every time you see him, he's like, his fucking eyes are never lined up with the glasses.

Look at his cock, bro.

What?

The only

chest to look at his cock.

It makes it look good.

No, he probably does this.

Yeah.

Over the glasses.

He's probably still, they're always just,

you know, oh, I'm Chuck Schumer, and I pretend I know how to read.

It's like when the person at Chipotle is still wearing a mask with just covering their mask.

Also, do not find the video of that.

I will refuse to be fact-checked on this.

Yeah.

I've seen one video where he's wearing his glasses too low, and I think

that's all of them.

Yeah, you're correct.

Absolutely.

So, what's your problem with service workers?

He used to wear them up here.

Just when they just cover their mouths?

Minimum wearing them.

He used to wear them up here, and then he went to a family reunion.

And he saw Amy, and he went, oh, disgusting.

And then he had to put them down.

I almost went blind.

I put my glasses down.

I almost saw my cousin down.

I had to take my glasses down because my piggish cousin is blinding.

He just want to look at Amy.

Luckily, when the earth started shaking, I knew that she was right behind me.

He did it at Thanksgiving one year, and then I never put him back up.

Right, yeah.

Oh, no.

Well, they were on his face, and then she started coming into the room, and it was like,

it was like

Jurassic Park.

It was like the T-Rex is reduced.

They're all like, don't move.

Amy,

if you make motions,

I start yelling at you about Gaza.

You're all right, Best Chuck.

And she's hungry.

We should edit the Wayne Knight taking a shit in Jurassic Park.

Oh, and he gets killed in the port-a-part.

Instead of just Amy eating it.

Amy Schumer with a hamburger.

Oh, that's Wayne Knight in that movie.

Yeah, it is Wayne Knight.

I I thought it was Amy Schumer.

It's Newman.

It's Newman taking a shit.

I thought Amy Schumer was playing the island

in itself.

And the whole movie is about the creatures that look

like

dinosaurs on Amy Schumer.

His stomach rumbling is like a volcano.

I thought she was the island.

She's the island and lost.

Incredible.

She's more continent than I'm.

I love those Ford Explorers in that movie.

In where?

In Trader Atlantic Park.

That was a real era.

That car.

Everyone had that car.

You had one.

Was it like a G1?

Yeah.

My family had the Ford Explorer.

Yeah, it was a hand-me-down from my aunt to my mom, then to me, and that was my first car.

I totaled a Ford Explorer.

You had Firestone tires?

Yeah, we.

Remember that?

Yeah,

they all went out.

We had to get high ones.

That's right.

Yeah, they would explode and flip the car.

Oh, yeah.

The Ford Exploder.

Would have been cool.

Would have been a better way to go out.

There was an IT guy at my old job who used to say, oh, I see you're still using Internet Exploder.

And I was like, this guy has to be.

You've got to use Netscape Navigator.

Most miserable life in the world.

He makes that joke 50,000 times a day.

No one's laughed yet.

Was that at Discovery?

You were when I was at Discovery.

Yeah.

You were at the Discovery Network?

Yeah,

family of networks.

I survived a terrorism attack.

Really?

Yeah, a guy came in with a bomb.

To take down Discovery Network?

Yeah, there's like a Korean guy who got really mad about

the show, the Duggars show.

They had 18 kids.

They had like 18 kids.

But it was like, he was like, if you care about, if you're for conservation, you shouldn't be celebrating these freaks, which is kind of fair point.

And he had a manifesto.

I read it.

And like every manifesto of the first half makes sense.

Well, he was right because they were.

He started talking about the fishies and the duckies.

Oh, this is,

yeah, I knew.

He was red.

This is not a joke.

And then he came to the,

I think like six months before that, he was throwing

like $50 bills in the air.

And he's like, I'm giving money to someone that could make a better show than the...

He was really mad at the Duggars.

And then he came in with a bomb and took the...

He didn't explode?

He took like two or three people hostage.

And then SWAT team headshot, so to say, in the lobby.

Headshot him?

In the lobby, yeah.

And then

the hostages got to go and Oprah.

How does SWAT team work?

So these guys do, like, they're employed, and then they have nothing to do.

Once you kill your 10th black guy as a cop, you become a SWAT team.

But then you have nothing to do all year until the off-chance somebody

just Rainbow Six.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, yeah.

They're probably so stoked.

When a Korean guy gets a

show up in the big ice cream truck.

That's the best part.

That fucking murdered that ice cream.

But the Korean guy was kind of a hero because he was anti this child abuse people, the Duggars.

He was ahead of his time.

He didn't know that.

And I don't think

he's bringing a bomb into my work.

And they redid the lobby because they were like, we need a new decor because it's going to remind you.

Why didn't he pull the cord on the bomb?

Why didn't he do it?

I think he was wearing

C-do

it's a life jacket.

He literally just.

It was just a fake

I think he had like a suicide trigger or something.

I don't know how they dealt with it.

What a coward not to do it.

I mean, you built the bomb.

You spent hours in his base.

It would have been cool.

Blow the bomb.

He got the rest of the week off.

I came into work the next day.

They had bagels.

They were like, you need to eat.

It was like the most Jewish response to a trauma.

Just make sure you're eating.

They got ping-pong in the break room now.

Yeah, I got the rest of the week out off.

I was on the top floor, literally the safest place in the office, full disclosure.

And I could have taken the whole building down.

I escaped.

and those lucky bastards, yeah, that were taken hostage, got to go and Oprah and just act about act, I don't know, meet the lady.

I also, I was like, was that where that's where Oprah showed up at the office?

She showed up at the office, and I was in an elevator with her.

And like, my whole life, I was like, what?

I was like Bill Burr about her.

I was like, what are these brawns listening to this fat soul about?

And I was in the elevator with her for like one minute.

You got star structure.

She is magic.

She releases four.

She's a magic person.

She's like, she's incredible.

Just being around her is exciting.

You get a fungal infection in your nose and it goes into your brain.

She's just, she's so great.

And then you're like, we got to join the Oprah Book Club.

I kind of, yeah.

I felt that way.

I didn't see you at Gail Season.

My friend's mom, I've probably mentioned this before.

took them to church like when Obama was president to pray because it was the devil or something.

Like

they were like, did you know this?

This was like a thing that went viral on Twitter a while back, but her real name is Orpa.

That can't be true.

And no, her name is Orpa, and then somehow it got changed to Oprah.

Man, if she would have owned her birthday, she would still be like a public access.

Yeah, right, exactly.

Orpa's been running for 40 years.

Yeah, no, her births are she was born Orpa Winfrey.

Terrible name.

Yeah.

Orpa.

And Richard Gere's middle name is Tiffany.

Dang.

That's just cool.

Yeah.

That's just awesome.

That's the guy who fucks for like eight hours, right?

No, you're thinking of Sting.

That's Sting.

Okay, they look similar.

But he doesn't miss it.

Which that came out, and he's like, well, I'm too embarrassed to make music anymore.

No one's heard from Sting.

Yeah, he hasn't done anything.

You would imagine Yale.

The last 10 years you would hear like Sting speaks out against Donald Trump and

none of that.

Yeah, he's just fucking.

We need him more than ever now.

Well, I think what happened was.

Well, the police is a bad band name.

He's not really good.

He kind of put it out there.

He's like, I'm into tantric sex.

And then there was a picture of him at the beach or something.

And he's just got

a child's penis.

It's very small.

Turns like that's why you're fucking for eight hours because she didn't come.

Right, yeah.

I mean,

a shrimpy penis.

Yeah, just awful.

No, Ed Jagger, too.

Small penis.

I think he wanted to present himself as like Mr.

Fuck.

Yeah, yeah.

And then his music is very tangible.

My career is ruined.

I think everybody knows

that.

Such a good one.

I don't know.

Sounds exactly like.

I don't know what he sounds like.

I don't know what he sounds like.

That's not bad.

Everyone's nose.

I got a Tony Willie now.

They're going to call the police.

Isn't that the only of it?

They're going to call the police now.

That's the name of the band, and now they're calling the police on me.

For having this wool painted.

For saying my bonus is too small.

One, two, three.

Racksan.

They were like, turn off the light before you don't repeat it.

Racksan!

Turn off the light, I only fuck in the dark.

Yeah.

And she got a grad degree and then went to.

You know that song Mom Who Prayed

Walking on the Moon?

It was actually about fucking Amy Schumer.

Yeah.

That's what that song's about.

Ooh.

Oh, fuck.

What happened?

I'm having like a fucking back muscle spasm.

That's what you get for going after Schumer.

I know.

That's what happens.

Schumer has powers we don't even know.

You'll think twice before doing that again.

What was this, your friend?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

She got like a like a master's or something.

And then she went to her commencement and Bill Clinton was the keynote and she got her diploma from Bill and shook his hand.

She's a Democrat rest of her life.

Just because he showed her.

He's got the magic.

He's so nice.

He's got the hand.

He's got the Oprah.

I think he's a bit more.

He has the magic, yeah.

I'm not saying that it's right what he's saying.

I mean, and a young woman, he's attracted to them.

So that's probably putting off charm with her.

She's a mom, but she said from like shaking a hand, she's been a Democrat.

Yeah, it's really like celebrities like that at that level.

It's like they do have like some magnetic.

I met Donnie Wahlberg one time, and it's like, oh, he's got it too.

Yeah,

holy shit, dude.

It's fucking Donnie Wahlberg.

No, I mean it.

From Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch?

No, from New Kids on the Block.

He wasn't in Marky Mark, too.

Oh, no, that was just Mark Wahlberg.

No, it's right there in the name.

Oh, you're right.

He was in Donnie Dunn.

That was a brother.

He was in Donny Duck and the Funky Bunch.

No,

the Funky Bunch was Fat Albert, the guy with the beanie beanie over his eyes.

They all hung out in a garbage place.

Yeah, but Donnie Walberg.

They're like the boxcar kids.

Donnie Walberg was in dump.

He was in Bebe's kids.

In Bebe's kids.

Yeah.

Yeah, no.

What was I saying?

I don't know.

Yeah, so I survived terrorism as well.

That's heroic.

Yeah.

What's the most heroic thing you've ever done?

Jesus.

I don't know.

I died as a kid.

You did?

I did.

My heart stopped for like

eight minutes.

Did you meet St.

Peter?

I wish.

No, I just.

You didn't see

a boring eight minutes.

There was no gates, nothing?

Would you drown or something?

Car accident, kind of.

Kind of.

You got fucked up then.

You're a miracle seatbelt, yeah.

Oh, you were eating the seatbelt?

You saw the babysitter left me in the car.

No, I got a car accident.

I choked to death on my dad's zipper.

What?

My dad had a big cock.

What kind of car accident?

Yeah, he backed into a pylon going three miles per hour, and I kind of choked to death.

Awkward.

Don't give head while driving.

Don't give head while driving.

Come on.

Wait, so no one was driving?

No, I was in a car seat and the babysitter left me in and then somehow I wriggled out and hung myself on the seatbelt.

That's not a car.

It's not.

I know.

I know.

I didn't want to explain that.

Yeah, you're right.

It wasn't a car.

I didn't even want to explain that.

I killed myself.

I was trying to kill myself.

Our job is to kill time speaking.

Nick does not like insulting cars.

He's really like,

he blamed the car.

And it had nothing to do with the car.

It was a seatbelt.

It was a seatbelt.

It was the seatbelt was put on improperly.

She came back and then

I was just hanging.

She did CPR?

No, I think I got airlifted to a hospital or something.

I was like eight months.

I don't remember.

Yeah, they attached it to the bottom of the helicopter.

Yeah, they swung me.

I'm hitting all the buildings as we go by.

I was saying, have my neck's been like hurting recently?

And I saw, I came across on Twitter pictures of people in Iran that have been hanged to death.

And my neck was hurting so much at the time.

I'm like, damn, that looks like it feels fucking good.

You're like, it's like a foam roller?

Yeah.

you get this kink out of my head it takes all the pressure offer i thought about that if there was some sort of cage i could put my head into and just chiropractic yeah

like a fake yeah to put my neck

yeah to put my neck in traction

Have you seen that video?

There's like that kid online, like that guy online, like know he doesn't have a neck, and he goes to a chiropractor and then he's like...

They stretch him out like an accordion, and he has a neck.

Is that how it works?

Well, it's like...

It's like when your penis doesn't come or your balls don't come down.

It's kind of like that with his neck.

Yeah.

Jesus.

Brutal.

Yeah.

Well, that's what happened.

They stretched his necks out and his nuts got sucked back up into his body.

You can only have one of the other kids when you get nuts or a neck.

Yeah.

You can't have a bunch of people.

The human fucking, whatever that desk, you know.

They call them the human, whatever.

The fucking, you know, the desk, like, kick, click, click, click, whatever that fucking thing's called.

I don't know what it is.

The human, that fucking, you know, the like, like CEOs.

Oh, and those balls go back and forth.

Oh, yeah.

It's like, this is a duality of man.

No one goes in.

It is the duality of man.

I agree.

Adam, tell them about this growth you found on your anus.

I wouldn't call it so much of a growth as a, you know,

new part of me.

Remember that thing?

Remember that Inus World record, that Chinese guy that had a tinier Chinese guy growing out of the side of the world?

Yeah, that was always a Ripley's, believe it or not.

Yeah, it was just more Chinese brothers.

They never have a Siamese twins where they're different races.

That would be great.

You got a black guy on your shoulder.

That's possible.

That would be cool, though.

That'd be fun.

I I think, in like a cumbed up situation, Jerry Siamese.

Don't call me that.

I played Lieutenant Dan.

Wait, a Chinese guy had a little fancy.

Lieutenant Dan Dan noodles.

Yeah, Siamese.

That's good.

Spicy.

I remember when I was a kid, I was very confused when they got prostitutes after Vietnam and he lost his legs.

In my mind, I was like, but how does he have sex with it?

Because I thought he didn't have a penis also.

Oh, he might not.

But yeah, no, he was like pulling hose over.

Forrest Gump was like, that's right.

What did he say?

Linton fan.

Yeah, it's weird that Vietnam produced a lot of amputees, but Iraq and Afghanistan, we got a lot of burn victims.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

You don't see the

guns.

Yeah, it's like they kept all the arms and stuff, but it's like

horrible faces.

Right.

They got disfigured faces.

Wow.

And what caused that?

The IEDs?

Wasn't it the Persian Gulf, like there was fire because they put the oil wells on fire?

It's like that movie falls from the sky.

Yeah.

Even in Jarhead, there was like oil falling from the sky.

Is that a good movie?

I can't.

It's actually a pretty good movie.

I saw it in theaters, and I remember.

What movie?

Jar Head.

It wasn't really.

I was expecting Black Hawk Down, and it's not that.

No, no, it was very little, no fighting at all.

Yeah, it starts up, you see his ass, and I'm like, this is going to be awesome.

And then you don't see it again for the rest of the movie.

No, they really tease you at the top.

They should have called that movie ass.

Yeah, they should have.

A guy's ass.

Yeah, Jim Carrey.

Rob Schneider is the ass.

The ass.

After the hot chick and the animal, he was supposed to be the ass.

Woke culture took it away and the vaccines.

Oh, my God.

I wanted to play the ass.

That'd be a fun movie for him.

A guy that gets a vaccine and turns into a giant ass.

He's like, honey, it's me.

Fauci got me.

He's farting all over.

What happens to Dr.

Fauci now?

They got to execute him.

I feel like they have to.

After all the talk, they have to.

I would be fine with a couple.

No, maybe

executioner.

Tarred and feathered, maybe.

That makes sense.

Tarred and feather would be fun, too.

It would be pretty funny to tar and feather an 85-year-old man.

What's it where they put him in the stocks?

Put him in the stocks for a target.

Everyone can spit on him and stuff.

Yeah, that'd be good.

I don't like the feathers.

I don't like it.

I don't even remember how he sounds.

He's like an old Italian guy.

I network with him and hang out with him.

You know him.

You're not going to talk shit about him.

I won't talk shit about anyone I've ever met.

That's a good policy.

That's smart.

Even if they've done it.

Well, you know, we're in show business.

I don't want to talk shit about people.

You relentlessly talk shit to somebody until they smile at you.

I remember my.

He's actually a really awesome guy.

I remember we made a joke once about Alec Baldwin.

My dad called me.

He was like, you guys have to be careful.

Like, you might.

What if he was right?

What if just being like, what if Alec Baldwin made a bunch of phone calls and he's like, yeah, I'm going to kill these guys.

Yeah.

He's like, fuck me.

If we ever cross paths, I'll cast them in my movie and I'm going to shoot them.

I've done everything I can to prevent Adam Friedland from having a career.

If that is the case, I apologize.

Baldwin's keeping you down.

Yeah, she shouldn't have been wearing that.

I missed that week I had laryngitis, and I could do a perfect Alec Baldwin.

Yeah, you're really awesome.

Dang, you could only do perfect.

I had laryngitis, and I sounded exactly like him.

You got to get it again.

Yeah.

Got to get it back.

I don't know how you do it.

I have to pee so bad, right?

Margo Margo Lane.

Go pee.

All right.

Well, let's end the episode, then.

Thanks, guys.

Thank you very much.

Oh, just go to whitecomedian.com.

I'm touring endlessly to the world.

No, being in Atlanta, at the Atlanta, fucking either helium or improv.

I can't remember.

Are you at the punchline?

I was just there last week.

I think it's either the improv or the fucking.

You're at the helium, I probably.

I'm at the helium.

The punchline's in the bag of a diner, Don.

Yeah, in between

December

6th and 7, 5 through 7.

I can't remember.

They'll check it up.

They'll find it.

That weekend, yeah.

Come check it out.

But I tell you what I have to look forward to.

A big evening of Man in the Iron Mask.

Oh, tonight.

And they can't take that away.

Like

Louis Anderson said, you can't take that away from me.

Minnesota legend, Louis Anderson.

Yeah.

Famous gay man.

Famous gay man.

Yeah, he was.

You ever heard Tom Rhodes tell that joke about meeting Louis Anderson?

It's so funny.

What did he say?

It's about like he's 19, he's new in Hollywood, and Louis Anderson's like

him.

Yeah, but he's bringing him all around town before taking him to his apartment.

So he's introducing Tom to like all these people and stuff.

And Tom just has no awareness.

He's like, This is my friend Tom.

He's a very funny man, very funny man.

You know, he keeps coming back to this very funny man.

And then the joke ends.

I mean, I can't do it credit, but

he ends back at his apartment, and then he corners him.

He's like, You're a very beautiful man, Tom.

Louis, come come on yeah he had to do it yeah

it's crazy because he would have he was he couldn't be out in the open because he wanted to work with children Anderson yeah okay that like a gay man can't be around children yeah they're always fucking him you crash them away well it was the 90s yeah yeah it was like you can be gay at a distance

they thought he was a groomer yeah yeah yeah yeah

I'm going back through West Wing right now you know to remember a simpler time before the orange man you know

and uh it's so funny like how trivial every issue is.

It's like, should gay guys go to the army?

Yeah.

Well, like 90% of the people are going to be able to get the toughest things to do.

90%

are the same things we still have issues with.

No, I think it's a little bit, it seems a little bit worse.

No, it's like guns and fucking race stuff.

Sure, sure.

Yeah, yeah.

But no, I mean, it's like, yeah, should

like school uniforms was one.

Yeah, it's not like, should we deport 11 million immigrants?

Yeah, it's not like, should we set up like a stapo force to round they wear an Aerosmith t-shirt to elementary school

it should I wish it was more 90s stuff.

It's like should we make the internet illegal?

Yeah, yeah, you know could porn should porn be legal?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, that would be fun.

Yeah, it's a good show

and it's really healed me quite a bit.

Really?

Good.

I love hearing the heat since he heals you from the orange man.

He came back.

Since he came back.

He's back.

Him.

Don't say his name.

He's ruining my life.

Him.

So, Shane really can't get you in there?

No.

Dude, what the fuck, man?

You could have a lower post.

It's too late.

They're already fucked up.

Postmaster General.

Who's interior now?

How do they give him?

Some dickhead.

I actually don't know who does it.

Some fucking guy who sucks and he's not going to do a good job.

Aiden Ross or something?

Yeah.

At least it's not Vivek Ramiswami.

Did he give him

a bunch of

people?

He's like government officials.

Him and Elon have to share something.

They're going to fire everyone.

He said he's going to fire every odd-numbered odd-numbered person or something.

He's going to go every other on the list and fire.

Sounds anti-Semitic.

It is.

These odd-looking people.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Something like that.

They're just going to fire half of them.

You fire yourself, Vivak.

And everyone seems to be mad about the Tulsa Gabbard

appointment.

What is she, Secretary of State?

No, she's like

Director of National Intelligence.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

A girl.

Okay.

And everyone's mad because they're like, oh, she's a Russian asset.

Yeah, yeah.

Wasn't she used to be Bernie?

She was going to be, yeah.

She used to be, she used to be just like, oh, like a.

She's like a hot.

I thought she was hot.

But then you hear her talk, and then she's like.

She's not hot.

Her voice is not hot.

I think it is.

She talks about it.

She's an attractive woman.

She's like, whatever, man.

Yeah, but she looks like she'd sound like that.

Whatever.

I'm from Hawaii, and I've worked for Turok.

I think she's hot.

I think it'd be like hooking up with Turok, dude.

I mean, I would care.

Is that the dinosaur hunter?

Yeah, N64.

Yeah.

I mean, I'd still fuck any girl, of course, but like

Nancy Pelosi, yeah, I mean, it's not a no, but I just didn't know it's crazy, she's like 96 years old, and like every year her titties get even bigger, they're sagging even more.

Can you imagine

being like 96, and the doctors are like, Yeah, you're still fucking getting jumbo?

She's got like her tits are like out to heat.

No,

she's like, we need to tell Kamala, she needs to slap them around a little bit more, right?

They should have, she should have flashed them for the campaign, that would have been huge for Kamala.

Yeah, just zero.

Dude, Nancy Belozi.

Zero percent.

She gets no votes.

This is beyond the pale.

She can get a single vote in New York.

Oh, my God.

San Francisco, 100%.

Beautiful tits.

All right.

Well, thanks for joining us.

Yeah, thank you.

You're the man.

Thanks, man.

Love you, pal.

Good luck with everything.

Thank you.

I'm saying it that way.

What?

Good luck with everything.

That's why I said it.

Yeah, good luck.

I'm going to be thinking about that.

Like, what do I need luck for?

You said it with Africa.

Yeah, I guess.

you know what I do.

I guess I do.

You fucking got strangled by a car seat.

I think I got lucky to survive.

I already got luck on my side.

That's a fucking

bullshit way of looking.

Death is following you everywhere you go, brother.

Death means nothing to me.

You're in

final destination.

Yeah, yeah.

Dry, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm finding ways to kill myself.

Yeah, so when you see me, I like walk out of here, there's a shadow that lifts a piano up on the top of the building.

I'll choke on a Cheerio or something.

You walk outside a truck, like swerve, like you're like, just there's an explosion behind you.

You don't notice it.

One of those Uber bikers is going to get me.

Those Uber Eats guys, they're going to run into me.

I thought you could order a guy to drive you around on his handlebars.

That would be good.

An Uber bike.

An Uber bike.

You could order a boyfriend,

driverless Ubers in San Francisco.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I thought you said the Uyghurs.

They use them as drivers.

Yeah.

No, those are Ricko Shaws.

Rickshaws.

Ricko Shaw Ferguson.

To Ricko Shaw Ferguson.

Rick Shaw Ferguson.

Packer.

New York Jits.

Yeah.

I'm going to name myself to Rickershaw.

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