The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Adrienne Iapalucci - Episode 81

The Democrats are just not offering anything to people.

And Trump is hilarious.

I mean, Adrian, voted for him.

I mean, I made a lot of fake votes.

Yeah, fake names, so I could vote for him a couple times.

Oh, like, you had different, like, identities.

Ooh, this microphone smells terrible.

This one doesn't smell that bad.

Yeah, I think I got switched.

I'm not going to give you the whoever was.

Who was the last guest on the show?

Oh, Stinky McPoop.

No.

Oh, my God.

Get another mic.

I'll grab another one.

Oh, sorry.

What did you do with that?

Who was the last guest on the show?

Was it Microscene?

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

I'm not even.

This is not a bit that I'm.

Smell this.

I don't want to.

My girlfriend does that all the time.

She's like, this is the worst smell of the world.

Smell this.

And I'm like, I'm not, I don't want to.

But you have to.

No.

Why?

She said it's the worst in the world.

She told you she wants you to share in it.

No, she didn't.

No.

Sh she also, her nose her like.

I'm like, is it my hands?

Did I put my hands in something?

Shit.

It's probably you, dude.

It's not.

Oh, you know who used that?

Who?

Um, what's his name?

Uh, Mr.

Patel.

I'll be right back.

I'm just going to get a wipe or something.

Just get another mic, dude.

Maybe it's a remnants from when Saab used to fart.

I'm going to just put some hands in there and talk to him.

This is like, remember that time you followed fing on stage?

Oh my god, he had eaten cod.

He'd eaten cod.

And I was, it's so funny because I was like, I know you have a sensitive nose.

And I'm like, there's no way this bad.

And then Joe also smelled it.

He's like, no, this smells.

It smelled so bad.

It's so funny.

It was like a red.

Pete?

Ladies and gentlemen, Pete.

Okay.

Are we rocking?

We are rocking.

Okay, welcome to the Adam Friedland Show

and myself with the hand sanitizer fumes.

I like it.

It smells good.

Yeah, it's making me dizzy.

Maybe you're pregnant, dude.

Maybe your sense of smell is a little bit more.

What are you doing trying to take shots and just be Mr.

Big Tom?

If you got pregnant, that would be amazing.

I would support you.

I would take you a little laws.

I would support you through that pregnancy.

Adrian Appalucci, everyone.

You're promoting your new special on Netflix.

Give it up for.

Yes, I'm promoting my new special on Netflix.

I hear it's blowing up.

I don't know if that's true, but thank you.

Let's pretend.

Does Netflix give you the numbers?

No.

Oh.

I kind of don't want them.

What if they're like, it's 12?

But then you don't know anybody else's numbers.

You don't know.

That would be like fucking 12.

12.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It's better than 11.

And it's Barack Obama.

Give me the names, yeah.

Lance Bass.

Give me their home address.

I want to go.

I want to go thank them personally.

Yeah.

What if a chick wants Barack Obama and then Lance Bass 11 times?

He's a star.

He keeps turning it off after five minutes.

Didn't he try to go to space after he said he was gay?

I hope he went to space.

I hope he went to space.

Do you remember the series finale of Family Matters?

No.

Okay.

Tell me about it, though.

I want to know.

Steve, Urkel, and Laura get engaged.

She finally gets the pussy.

Wow, I didn't know that they hit him.

I love you, Laura.

It would have been weird if he just was sexually harassing her the whole show and never actually got her.

And then he just raped her.

The show would have been.

He's like, I finally got her.

Yeah, Carl's like, I'm...

He's like, I'm a cop.

He's like, I'm a cop.

I couldn't even protect my own daughter.

Right.

I mean, nobody thinks he could protect anyone.

Yeah.

Didn't he get fucked by Puffy?

Puffy, that's what they say.

That Carl Winslow

was violently effed by Puffy.

Oh, I thought it was.

I thought they made love.

No, apparently it was like loud, and then someone walked in the room and they're like, is that Carl Winslow from Family Matters?

And he goes, go home, Steve.

That's very good.

Just because it's loud isn't there going to be love.

No,

then did he turn to the door?

He's circle nutting all over the place.

He's like, Did I do that?

He said it's...

Go home, Steve, to just come dripping out of his mustache.

He said, nothing feels better than making a beep do something for money.

That's what he said to the guy.

What do you think the beep was?

The N.

Wow.

Which one?

Which N?

I don't know if it was probably soft.

It was probably hard R.

Yeah.

Carl Winslow.

No, no, it was Diddy saying it about

him.

Yeah, about Winslow, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, like he said it, like he was like a plantation owner.

Diddy doesn't understand fiction, so he thought Carl Winslow was real.

Yeah, he's like, you should have protected your daughter.

He's like, who the hell is

Reginald Lavergina?

What's his real name?

Reginald Levinson.

Bell Johnson.

Vel Johnson.

Bell Johnson.

Reginald Bell Johnson.

Yeah, he has like a fake

name.

Like a French last name.

He's a fan of his name, yeah.

I kind of love that.

Yeah, it sounds like very, very much like.

So the series finale, it's a a two-part episode.

They get engaged and then a man from the military shows up.

I think not even at Steve's house.

He goes to the Winslow's house.

Do you ever see Steve's house?

I think you're just.

Yeah.

Yeah, and then looking for Steve, and he says, we need to send black nerd into space.

And so Steve goes into space and then the spaceship falls out of orbit.

Wait, are you just making...

This doesn't sound really fun.

100% serious.

The serious finale of Family Matters, Steve steve gets lost in space

and then it ends

like something that would happen on

him on tv you know they have the live stream from the spaceship and he's like i love you laura as he dresses off into so she never marries him i think he gets saved

and it's a two-part episode and then and then he comes back from some he does yeah and then they have sex yeah beautiful that's the whole second and it was real too is yes is it wasn't real related it was penetrative yeah i love that on his family sitcom, too.

It was groundbreaking.

That is groundbreaking.

I'm going to check this out.

I can't believe I haven't seen this.

I met Urkel, the real Urkel,

one time at MSG

when

Chappelle was performing.

Did you tell him about Cool Adam and how that sort of thing?

No, I was starstruck.

I was starstruck.

Like Stefan, like you had your own.

One thing I've realized from doing the show, I'm like, I'm pretty, I don't get nervous around people.

I've only been nervous in the last five years around two people.

And one was when I saw Dice at the stand.

I was like, it's him.

I was like, oh, my God, like butterflies.

You were sweating bullets when Jadakiss was here.

Of course.

I would love to.

I wish Jadakiss was here.

Yeah, I mean, it was crazy.

He was like...

It's a good thing.

What a big.

So Dice, Jadakiss, and Urkel, those are your three.

Yeah, all three black guys that I respected growing up.

Okay, good.

The three black

guys.

The three blacks of the apocalypse.

It would be awesome if Dice did like an outdoor show.

He returns to form.

He's like doing, you know, he does some big outdoor arena.

And people are like, Dice is back.

And then it starts raining.

And like, you know, the paint comes off.

And

he starts revealing that he's a black man.

He's a black guy.

And then people are like, oh, my God.

He's doing a white check.

Race.

Yeah, what is

race?

What is race?

Race.

It's a social constant.

Yeah, right.

I guess.

I guess

Dole is all did nothing wrong.

And that's what stops Trumpism, is realizing that Andrew Dice Clay was actually Steve Urkel.

Well, everyone thought Dice was Italian, and he's not.

He's Jewish.

Right.

So it's like kind of the same thing.

That's where he crossed the line for me.

It wasn't the sexism, but it was

the oil face that he was doing.

It was not right.

No offense.

Oh, no, I don't care.

What part of the boot you throb?

No idea.

Really?

Yeah.

I'm not super Italian.

I just have like a very Italian last name.

So is my girlfriend.

She has the last name, but it's only from her dad's dad.

But the rest is 75% Irish something.

Right, so I'm also Hungarian.

Hungarian, Victor Orbon.

For my mother's mother, yeah.

Really?

She made goulash for you?

No.

I'm more Italian than Hungarian.

Oh, she made gravy for you?

She made gravy, yeah.

Oh, nice.

My mom actually used to make goulash growing up.

It was great.

I've never had it.

It's good.

You should go to Little Poland

in the

second half.

Yeah.

I don't think I'm going to do that, but.

Why?

Why?

I don't feel like I'm in that era for trying trying new stuff.

You don't want to go on a double day with me and Nick and get some goulash?

It's lunch.

That's not really trying

new things.

I like having no culture.

I'm just a New Yorker.

I'm not Italian or Hungarian.

So, what do you just eat like fucking pepperidge farm products all day long?

I don't, like, you're in no culture.

Yeah, you've cut off all.

I've got no culture.

We're obsessed with culture, me and Nick.

Yeah.

Nice.

What do you feel is most

like hamburgers or fried chicken,

but I use kente cloth to wipe my face.

That's how I get my cultural.

I have a kente napkin.

What are you?

I don't know, Irish?

He's Irish.

Yeah, I mean, yes, but just like the broad, I'm just a white man.

I would say that I identify more as a white man than

how do you feel like it is to be a white man right now?

Oh, my God.

It's always

fine.

We just won.

It's fine, and

I'm not saying that in a self-flagellating way.

I'm not a white male millionaire.

It's like, I'm fine.

I'll probably be fine.

Being white, I think we're only going to do better.

Yeah, for you, I think it's like if you're doing fine now, it's going to happen.

And you want us to do fine.

And I don't mean as white male.

No, I do.

I mean, as a white man under 5'8.

Because when things are not going good for that,

that's not me.

Wait, are you under 5'8 ⁇ ?

Yes, I'm 5'8.

You appear taller.

Yeah, I know.

It's a trick that I play.

It's a trick.

Well, it's working.

You've tricked me.

You've tricked me.

He's wearing elephants.

It only works on Hungarians.

It's a dumb race.

They're very susceptible.

It's a straight magic.

Yeah, yeah.

I also love it.

You've seen The Illusionist, right?

So, you know, that Hungarian prince, he's like, I need to know how the magic is done.

That's because it drives them insane.

Yeah, yeah.

I love it.

Because they think it's real.

I thought you were at least 5'10, 5'11.

No, no, no.

You're much shorter.

I say 5'3, but it's like it's 4'11 and a half.

Yeah, probably.

Wow.

He's Shakira's height.

He's susceptible.

Yeah, but I tell you, when white guys under 5'8 are not doing well, it's,

you know, that's where you get Hitler.

I don't know if there was a Hitler, Putin, MLK.

Kelly was doing great though.

How tall is MLK?

He's 5'7.

No.

Look it up.

Don't say that about him.

Look it up.

MLK is a Jesus.

You can't say that.

MLK is up.

No, it's pretty short.

It's not right to say that.

Martin Luther King Jr., hence the junior, was 5'7 ⁇ .

Oh, his dad was 6'3 ⁇ ?

His dad was a normal-size guy.

Junior Jr.

was 5'8 ⁇ .

Right on the junior junior.

It's like saying Lil, right?

No, he was not 5'7.

You know how there's Sylvester the Cat and then Sylvester Jr.

Pete's got mine at them.

If you see them side by side, Martin Luther King Sr.

and Martin Luther King Jr., it's very much Sylvester and Sylvester Jr.

Pete, is that right?

Jr.

5'7?

I feel like we shouldn't say it.

Why shouldn't you say it?

He's still a king.

He's a tiny king.

I don't know if you should say he's 5'7.

But I did.

He did great things.

He did, and I agree.

The Civil Rights Act.

Yeah, then if you're short and you could do something like that, that's even more impressive.

The fact that Hitler was so tiny and still had all this power.

So you're impressed by it.

You're impressed.

I remember it.

I went to Alcatraz.

I was in the Cobbs last weekend, and I went to Alcatraz.

I've been there, too.

That was the most, I enjoyed it so much.

It's really bad there.

I like when they let you go in the cell and go.

And the cells are all for tiny guys.

Yeah.

I'm looking at it.

I'm like, if you're 6'2, you would die in here immediately.

You wouldn't die.

You'd just be sitting a lot.

Yeah.

It wouldn't be great for your legs.

So you're impressed by Hitler?

I mean,

take away the bad stuff.

You don't have to be such free speech comedy right now.

Listen, I'm not going to be able to do it.

This isn't that kind of show.

I'm just being

Austin, Texas.

The fact that he could garner all that attention and get people to do what he want is pretty impressive.

He was a real showboat.

He was a real showboat.

You're trying to get me to say, hey, Hitler, I'm just not going to do it.

Like, I'm just not going to do it, so don't even waste your time so you think MLK was short Hitler was a powerful man you think he put up numbers that's what you're saying he put up numbers three pointers every day you agree with the six million but you're impressed by it I agree he killed yeah why would people why wouldn't the anti-semites say that it wasn't real he why wouldn't they say like that's awesome it was so many

right why is it denial They should be like, you know, he should have finished the job.

But nobody really talks about Stalin and he killed way more people.

People talk about Stalin.

He didn't kill him.

But when people talk about Stalin, they say that, they go,

nobody talks about Stalin or Matt.

Hitler is always the person that they reference as well.

They don't talk about Stalin or Melbourne.

They do, but Hitler is the guy that you think of when you think of someone that's terrible.

Yeah.

That's the guy you use.

Because

it's easier to understand.

It's like, okay, so Stalin killed 20 million people.

What 20 million people?

You're like, oh, well, they're like Lien's Cossacks.

And you're like, there's too many letters and whatever.

Yeah, I don't even know what that is.

I just lose his four letters.

I just want Stalin to get his flowers.

You can kind of see yourself doing it.

That's, I think, the main thing with him.

You're like, I kind of, well, I couldn't be that bad.

You know what I mean?

Oh, he really blacked out on that one.

He popped all the way off.

Yeah.

And so it's, it's more, it's like when you watch a video of a drunk person having a meltdown in public, you're like, oh, that could have been me.

You know what I mean?

And so that's what resonates with people when they see Hitler, because there's something about him that makes them disgusted with themselves.

Whereas I have no idea.

Stalin killed 20 million people, and it's like...

Give Stalin his flowers.

He could have killed 20 million aliens.

They still count.

He sent them to go fight in the war, and they all died.

And it won the war.

You're not going to get me to hate Stalin either.

I love the man.

He's a great man.

Have you seen young Stalin?

Look up a picture of young Stalin.

I have a joke about how hot he is.

He's delicious.

The hottest guy I've ever seen.

Stalin is better looking than you.

We don't look at you.

Stalin looks like Nick, and young Trotsky looks like me.

I just have a mustache and he has glasses.

I don't think you guys know either.

People have made memes about how Stalin was.

I know he was also short.

5'4.

Disgusting.

But I would have still had sex with him.

And he had a

bicycle.

Yeah.

I would have given him a ride on my back.

I would have carried him around after.

He had like a club foot, too.

Amazing.

You're not going to get get me to hate Stalin either.

He gets to trying to get me to hate all these men.

I'm not trying to get you.

I'm giving you information.

I'm not trying to get you.

I knew he's short.

I knew all of them are short.

Oddly enough, Mao, 6'5.

Really?

Yeah.

Not attracted to him at all.

Yeah.

Come on.

The man was

undeniable.

He was like a big, burly.

I want a short dictator.

Psalms 5'5.

Yeah.

5'5.

Nick, you're lying on his ass.

I'm not lying on his ass.

Why?

That's what happens.

He gets an extra inch from the prosthetic

shoe he had to wear.

You know, come on, I'm a tanky.

You know that, dude.

You can't be saying a 5-4 is a 5-5 is a 5-4.

All right.

That's revisionist, bro.

All right.

Anyway, I want to talk to you guys about something called cornbread.

Why?

Jiffy cornbread.

75 cents.

Jiffy cornbread isn't the best.

When I lived, do you know who Chris Cubis is?

No.

He's an Austin comedian.

But I lived with him, and

he's like, yeah, it's 75 cents.

You can eat for fucking three days.

And I'm like,

this is like what Civil War soldiers would have to do.

I mean, we ate that as kids, so yeah.

But as it.

That's it.

Cornbread.

No, but you can't.

Cornbread tastes delicious.

It does, but that's your only meal for three days in a row is a tin of cornbread.

That's what she was.

And her poor ass family, not us.

All right.

We were eating.

My favorite thing about Nick is like when I think of you, I just think of you living with those Asians.

That was a long time ago.

I know, but I still love that idea of you just being in a city.

You know what's funny as people grew up?

People would talk about that.

It had like an intervention, and people acted like it was this absurd thing, which was bizarre to me for two reasons.

One, because it's like

well, yeah, it's because, okay, so there's kids,

was like, I think she said something to the effect of she was like, hey, do you want to have lunch and meet?

And I was like, oh, maybe this is about putting a show on a decree.

Right.

She's like, you can't be living like that with those people.

And I was was like, why?

And she's like, well, that's not how humans live.

And

that's how they're living.

And I'm like, there's a billion Chinese people living like that down there.

But what was funny, there was a female comedian named, I think her name was Amy Janz.

Something like that.

She did open mics.

She do shows.

I don't know if she continued doing comedy or not.

But like one day I was like leaving my building and I ran into her and I'm like, do you also live with a Chinese family?

And she was in even more.

I mean, she was in like a box, basically.

She was like their pet.

And like nobody,

nobody, they would see her around.

Nobody said anything.

Nobody wants to help women, though.

You got to be honest.

Well, the Chinese do.

Obviously.

Don't they kill all the women in China or they're stopped doing that?

They stopped doing that.

Now they've created, now they have like population collapse because they're no pussy for Chinese.

Because they all wanted sons.

Right.

Yeah.

Well, apparently.

It was good for the economy.

Obviously, it made a lot of sense.

They can make stuff now.

Right.

But now they, you know, no, no pussy for Chinese.

Apparently, after the war broke out in Ukraine, there was just a run on male order brides from Ukraine in China.

Oh.

A lot of them are.

That actually is great timing.

Because

they're considered to be the most beautiful and the most resistant to

feminism.

That's in China, at least.

Right, but I like the timing of that.

Yeah, maybe they were behind.

Maybe like, Vlad.

Do us a solid.

Invade the hottest girl country for us.

And then we'll have them here in China.

We'll go in.

Yeah.

Okay, guys.

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Pete, you had one last night?

yeah

it was delicious pete had one and he had the pete do they taste like cornbread they taste exactly like cornbread awesome that's incredible 10 milligrams of the thc per gummy for those uh and it's pete you said that was just the right dose

he said he dosed last night it was perfect 10 milligrams is normal right

there's a store next to my apartment that sells 10 is edibles i went in i'm like what's the lowest dosage and the lady was like um these ones are like a thousand

yeah it seems pretty high.

Yeah, too much.

I was like, is that the lowest?

And she goes, well, this one's 50.

I'm like, that's a huge difference.

Maybe she's just seen if you knew the difference.

50 is a huge difference.

Between numbers?

Maybe, yeah.

Yeah.

What if I was like, yeah, that, yeah, 50 sounds bigger than a thousand?

It sounded like she didn't.

I don't think legally you're allowed to sell weed to somebody who has that problem.

You mean if like a guy with Down syndrome went into a bar and he was like, yeah, long day at work.

Yeah, serve me up.

I think they would be like, you have to leave.

I think we would go to jail if we serve you.

Can you not serve people with Down syndrome?

I wouldn't.

If I was a bartender, I'm like, I'm not going to risk it.

I would.

Why not?

Well, I don't know if you're going to be able to do it.

I've already read the cards.

Let me check your ID.

And then when he pulls out a blockbuster card, you say, I'm sorry, sir.

This is not.

That guy's my favorite person in the bar.

He's staying all night.

Yeah.

Not me.

Not me.

All Chinese rail workers.

That's what I want in my saloon.

Wow.

Yeah.

You hate Down syndrome?

Well, I would say Chinese rail workers adjacent.

Yeah.

Come on.

I don't know if that's true.

I would say the Down syndrome people are doing a very racist impression of Chinese rail workers.

And I don't like that.

That's not right.

We're letting them get away with it.

These folks built the trains.

That is true.

Yeah.

They like trains.

All right.

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The farm bill, it's complying with the farm bill and legal for adults of over 21 years.

What the hell is the farm bill?

The farm bill.

That's got to be just the name makes me think it's 6,000 pages long.

Yeah, I'm not reading that shit.

And in there, there's like appropriations for building gas chambers for Israel.

Yeah, yeah.

There's like a

$25 billion to the gospel.

It's about farms.

Yeah.

It's weird that it's even in the description for these gummies.

What's that?

The farm bill.

The farm bill and the fact that Israel has a right to defend itself is also in this.

I don't know why they would put that in the copy, but listen, I'm going to read whatever the sponsor is going to say.

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Cheers to a happier I should also make it clear.

I just went into that store to inquire about these things.

I don't actually take any kind of,

you're not goofhead.

I don't take any of these.

I'm trying to buy a $15,000 gun and it's like this insane gun is $15,000.

This like big hunting rifle that I think would be a nice like family heirloom.

Is that the one you sent me?

Yeah.

And you said I'm charging the show for this?

No, I want to blow all my money, and then if I have...

You can't even have a gun in your head.

If I have a family, I'm like, this is all I'm leaving you, is this $15,000 gun?

It's the entire.

And you have to share it.

I love the idea of you getting

it to your family.

Yeah.

But you don't even have yet.

It's just this nice, you know.

I know I was a distant father, and I know there are eight of you, but you have to split the gun.

It's this giant hunting rifle.

It's $15,000.

I want it.

Yeah, yeah.

And, but, yeah, to get a gun in New York, it's insane.

You have to, like, you know, you can't know drug use for like two years.

You can't have any felonies.

It's like, this seems uncomfortable.

If you want a gun, I'll get you a gun.

A $15,000 hunting rifle?

I'll get you a $15,000 hunting rifle.

You have that.

What kind of money is Netflix putting up?

Let's talk numbers.

This is a 3D printing.

Let's talk numbers.

$5 million.

They give you $5 milli for that?

$5 mil.

No, shit.

I'm not supposed to say it.

You're not supposed to say it.

I'm pretty proud of it.

So, what did you do the first day you had the money?

Did they actually give you $5 mil?

They gave me $5 million.

That's fucking awesome.

No.

I mean,

they could, but they did not give

that money to give just like i'm not gonna just like i'm not gonna buy you it's not joe coy i didn't say buy me the rifle you said acquire it i'm gonna have to do something for it yeah well listen you got to do what you got to do but i'm not going to tell you funny if you were just trying to be cool and i'm like sure let's set it up but then i give you the money and you end up having to spend like a hundred thousand dollars to get this rifle

i just don't want to look like a fraud

And then you go to prison for like a, what do they call straw purchases?

what's that yeah i don't know straw purchases straw purchases if like you buy a gun in another state you're like oh it's for me and then you send it to your cousin in new york oh okay yeah well i'll get you a gun probably in pennsylvania you're gonna have to come to pennsylvania but that's a straw purchase that's i guess that's what i'm gonna actually do yeah so you're that's your premeditated plan but you have yeah i didn't know it was a straw purchase when i thought you were a citizen of pa or am i a citizen of pennsylvania yeah you have to have a like you look if you go to a gun yeah but i feel like it's not going to be hard it is i'm going to get a fake id

okay all right None of this is going to be legit.

All right.

Yeah, you got to go to St.

Mark's Place.

I will not be doing any of this when the inevitable investigation comes.

This is crazy.

What?

You're not going to take my gift.

What?

You're like one of those rappers that's

they would just come to my house and take the gun and I'd go to prison for 10 years.

You're like a rapper who describes their crimes in detail and then gets arrested for that exact crime and then they use it as evidence.

Did you see this.

You know this guy, YNW Melly?

Did you see the black nerd that got arrested for printing his own guns?

Really?

His name is Dexter.

It's that bad.

Yeah.

It's a middle-aged black guy named Dexter who was in Bushwick just 3D printing guns and posting them online.

He's like, look at these assault rifles I made.

Do they work?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they kicked down his door, fucking arrested him.

He just got sentenced to 10 years.

He should have just shot them to show their guns.

No, he's like very peaceful.

He's a nerd.

He's like a computer programmer.

Yeah.

And he just likes making guns.

That's what the lawyer said, too, and it really didn't work.

Yeah, it didn't.

Well, the lawyer went into the

lawyer went into

the trial, and he kept fucking talking about the Second Amendment, which is not like, I guess.

You can't do that.

Well, yeah, not in a state court.

It doesn't mean anything.

Especially in a city where it's highly illegal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, even our replicas, if we took those out on the street, we'd get arrested.

Yeah, I don't even know if you're allowed to have them here, to be honest.

Come on.

Now you're doing the rapper thing.

They sent them to me.

Now you're like, I'm sure if this was illegal, they would have a notion of it.

Please, I'm going to get both of you a gun.

What's the most illegal thing you've done?

Do you have a gun?

I don't have a gun.

Okay, well.

I can.

I would use it.

I drive in New York City.

I would kill everyone.

Yeah.

At the cellar?

Not at the cellar.

I would be on the highway just shooting everyone.

Oh, like the BQE?

No, more like the Cross Bronx.

I did Cross Bronx.

I did Comedy Zone in Charlotte.

But I would do it like that, like a rapper.

I did Comedy Zone in Charlotte like two months ago, and they're pretty tight with security.

They have a cop there and stuff.

Well, didn't somebody bring a gun there?

They pointed it out to me.

They were like, yeah, that's where the bullet, and they showed me on the stage where the bullet hit the fucking stage.

I mean, it is pretty cool.

Yeah.

If it's not that night.

Yeah, it was a guy going to kill Craig Robinson, but instead, like, I forget who else was it?

No, he went to kill Sean Waynes.

Oh, okay.

Oh, come on.

Yeah.

Or maybe he was trying to kill David Allen Greer, but Bill Collins.

He was somebody black.

He didn't even get to know him.

There was a black comic that was supposed to be there.

And there was a different black comic.

I dated David Allen Greer.

Really?

Yeah.

Interesting.

Hence the need for a gun, gun, I guess.

A couple of years, yeah.

You were living in color.

That's what they say.

Once you go black,

you better get a firearm, Lexus.

I had a firearm before.

He sold it to me.

David Alagrier sold you a gun.

He bequeathed it in his death.

Interesting.

Yeah.

For the love of his life.

$15,000 hunting gun.

$15,000.

It wasn't a hunting gun, though.

The dream would be a gun that goes from like here to behind Adam's head if I'm holding it.

Right.

And it's got the gast on and where it's like a big bell.

Yeah.

Yeah, right.

the horn yeah and i walk around with a pith helmet and i go this is my constitutional right do you want to go on safari nick um

is that where you kill the animal no you just go look you kill your friends oh dude i have to go see my grandma but it's going to be so like sad seeing a 93 year old we should just go on safari while we're there uh your grandmother's 93 yeah she lives in cape town oh 93 don't you feel like she should be dead

we're recording i know I want her to hear that.

No, I don't think she'll be there.

She's wasting everyone's money.

Maybe there will be a hunting accident on Safari with grandma.

Now we're talking.

Now we're talking.

She's one of the greatest ladies I've ever met.

It would be funny if you actually

shot your 93-year-old grandma on the head with like a

bullet that big.

She says something so mean.

I was trying to shoot an elephant, and I accidentally took off the top half of my grandma's body.

It's not fun.

She's a great woman.

But when we were there, the guy driving the golf cart, he's just like, oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness.

I can't believe.

Oh, my goodness.

Do you think you would pick her body up?

Oh, my goodness.

Or do you think that's a good idea?

I can't believe what happened.

She just leave her on the floor.

On the ground.

She was a divorced woman.

She started a business.

She raised a family.

Who's the business?

How to be a whore.

Come on.

How to be a whore is not a business, Adrian.

It is.

If you're somebody who's a show on

Bravo.

So I would call it a show, not a business.

How to be a whore.

What is it?

How to be a whore?

She's just going around in a motorized wheelchair with her legs open.

You just see her.

Tell me how you be a whore.

Can't give it away.

You can't give it away.

She's 93.

A brilliant woman, sharp as a tech.

She hates my girlfriend, though, which is very funny.

But yeah, last time we went there, she just immediately just hated my girlfriend.

And like, if I I like went to the beach or something with my girlfriend, she'd be like, how's your honeymoon?

And I was like, what's going on?

And she's like, you spent the day with her.

Does she know how to be?

She was like, she was acting like it was like she was competing for, like, with another

lady for me.

She was jealous.

And then I took her out on a date.

Is your grandmother or your girlfriend?

My grandmother, like on a lunch date.

And it was cool.

We walked to the restaurant and like everyone there was like, oh, it's you.

And like one of the guys was like, this is my girlfriend.

This is the guy, this guy named Blessing.

And he was like, yeah, my name's Blessing.

I'm from Zimbabwe.

He's like, this is the coolest lady in the world.

I was like, oh, Granny, like, you're so popular.

He's like, this is my girlfriend.

I was like, are you fucking with my girlfriend?

She's 90% disgusting.

Anyway, but

yeah, so she said to me, she's like, tell me, is your girlfriend physically active?

And I was like, what do you mean physically active?

She's like, I was like, well, yeah, she's like, grew up, like,

she was an athlete growing up.

She's like, goes to the gym.

She's very, you know.

And then she goes,

I think she'll have weight issues later on in life.

She might.

And I was like, Granny, come on.

That's so mean.

She just wants you to know that she might be fat.

Dude, she's it's really it's so funny that she was just like like uh acting like she's she had to compete with some other bitch for the most perfect

is your grandmother in shape

is she cheap in shape oh uh she's 93.

I mean, no, she's just

she's for her a, I mean, no, my, my,

I can't, no, my fam, they don't listen.

They're not listening.

They're not listening.

She has, she doesn't like.

Oh, do you just have to do that?

She had to build herself into, like,

she wasn't naturally, she wasn't naturally an attractive woman.

Right.

And so, like,

I see why she's insecure, though.

She didn't like, she didn't like my mother and

now my girlfriend because they're, like, kind of were just naturally attractive.

She has, like, a kind of, she hates women, I think.

We were there a couple years ago during Me Too and my dad and my sister were getting an argument.

My dad was like, those women knew what they were doing going to

a hotel room with Harvey Weinstein.

And my sister was like, you fucking bastard, you don't know what.

And then she's like, can I speak, my grandma?

And he's like, yes, let's listen to a lady who's

old.

She's been a lady for a long time.

And she's like, I've never felt sexism a day in my life.

And we're like, what?

We're like, really?

And she's like, basically, she said, because she's so incredible and brilliant that she's transcended her,

basically, her

disability of being a whore.

But she had a show called How to Be a Whore.

No, it wasn't.

And also, you just said she was ugly, so of course she's not going to have any sexism.

I didn't say she was ugly.

You said she was disgusting.

And also, that in and of itself is a form of age.

I didn't say she was ugly.

I've never had any sexism.

Meanwhile, her grandson's calling her busted.

Yeah, I'm not saying she's bustling.

She's not.

She looks like Meryl Streep.

She looks exactly like Meryl Streep.

She's not going to get rich.

She looks 1,000% like Meryl Streep, and it's bizarre.

She looks like Meryl Streep.

Anyway, but yeah, she said, I've never had a problem with any type of person, no matter male, female.

There's only one type of person I don't like.

And I thought she was going to say, yeah.

And she goes,

she said, queeny, gay men.

Those are my favorite.

That's what she said.

She was her least favorite kind of person.

Those are my favorite.

Well, I don't know.

It was a bizarre answer.

My dad was like, yes, listen to her.

She knows what it's like to be a woman.

I think he was trying to win the Me Too argument with my sister.

It was a hellish car ride.

Oof, that does sound like it.

But I had no part of it.

We were just silent the whole time.

I was kind of just like, this is a good one.

That's a good fight.

This would be a good story for Adrian on the podcast in 80 years' time.

I had a friend whose grandmother just died.

She was 97.

Ooh.

And he said the family was pretty upset by it.

Yeah, that's cathetic.

How pathetic.

She should have been dead like 20 years ago.

Anytime someone acts sad that their grandparents dead,

I'm not going to be like, I'm so sorry.

The worst part is they're supposed to have people like that.

You imagine living that long, and it's like they can tell you about what life was like in the 20s, right?

If they could speak.

Well, then you ask them about it, and it's bullshit.

I mean, it's just like, I used to buy milk.

You're like, okay, what was Hitler like?

They said great.

I had a toy that was a rock.

You know, it's like, all right, why are you here?

You're fine.

I'm not going to talk shit on Hitler.

I'm wasting everyone's time.

No one's going to talk shit on Hitler.

A lot of people do.

He's got a lot of haters out there.

I've never met any of them.

I'm like your grandmother.

You should meet some.

They're some of the greatest people.

I was watching audio and video recordings of Teddy Roosevelt from like the 1910s.

I just read the first book of his biography, the Morris.

Yeah, yeah.

They're boring.

No, no, I thought I got the gist.

I didn't want to go to book two, but he's amazing.

Why?

Nothing happens.

He got so done in his life he was like he didn't have a dd you do get that sense of like oh he didn't have a phone but then it's like

i didn't think of a phone he did he wrote like five books before he was 30 but then the books are just like basically he just wrote down what he read on wikipedia he went to an encyclopedia he went to the library he copied down facts like the definitive naval history of the war of 1812 and it was taught at annapolis until very recently but then you you read it and it's bullshit it's like this is just facts collected collected from other places.

It's a history.

Okay.

But those basically

coolest guys.

But let's get back to the original.

Besides, the Philippine book itself is highly overrated.

The Morris one?

Yes.

Did you read it?

Yes.

I read the first one and I said I'm not a bad guy.

I didn't want to read it.

I said I got the

90% of it is like.

And his body was lame.

I think that's what doctors used to say about

a child with a sh that was you know a weakling sure and his dad said listen your body's lame like your mind isn't you no you have to fucking make yourself a man like you have to build yourself up and so he would just like just go on expeditions for like three months alone into the yeah well he would go to he'd go to the gym

he would go to the gym all the time and he was like that he'd swim like he went

he was just like his dad just didn't want him in the house he was like that kid from

please go out he was like that kid from gummo with the spoons in the basement.

That's how Teddy Roosevelt was.

And then he's a great man.

Well, then he got older and he like, you know, he went to school and then he had to like, you know, box or compete with other boys and he just got like, like, flummoxed.

I don't think that's true.

It's in the book that you read.

Maybe you guys are different.

Rickyard wasn't flummoxed.

He didn't lose every match.

He did.

He realized that at like 140 pounds and like, you know, 5'9, all of the time he spent building all this muscle over that summer amounted to nothing.

You're acting like he went to Harvard and everyone just beat his ass.

Everyone beat his ass.

That's not true.

Yeah, that's not true.

No, he was always.

I think he got beat up a lot.

He was always like, why are you taking tough?

And kind of a show.

Because most of the things he says, he's better looking.

He's handsome.

I think you're better looking than him, honestly.

Really?

Shut up.

Stop it.

I wasn't fishing for

one of the most handsome guys I've had.

My point is that

he's going to sit here and say the book was great.

His body was great.

His book was great.

Tiny penis.

Tiny penis.

He's going to say the book was great

and then say, oh, I didn't didn't actually like it.

And I said, why do you even do that?

No, I didn't read the second and third because I wanted to move on to something else.

But I will say this, like,

he also, like,

I think that he just got so much shit done that I was impressed.

Also, he was the first president to invite a black person for dinner at the White House.

That's in the book?

Yeah.

Is that a pro or a con?

Come on, dude.

We're not in Austin, Texas right now doing free speech.

Okay, I'm just

making sure.

Hitler's a con.

That's a pro.

Booker T.

Washington came for dinner.

I think it was.

What do they serve?

Please don't say it.

Cornbread.

Cornbread's delicious.

Yeah, it was one of the.

Teddy Roosevelt's favorite food.

I would say Teddy Roosevelt sucks.

Come on, dude.

He sucks.

Why does he suck?

He just sucks.

The guy sucks.

Why does he suck?

Because he likes black people?

No, because he's like, yeah, that's what he's saying.

He's racist.

He's an obsessive guy.

He got shot and finished a speech.

So did Donald Trump.

Right.

No, he had to go.

He didn't go.

No, they took him offstage.

But he wanted to stay.

No, he wanted to stay.

No, he said,

what is it?

Fight.

Fight.

He said, let me stay.

Teddy got shot, but he had a the speech was so long and boring that the bullet was in his jacket pocket and it dulled the bullet's impact.

And then he finished his speech.

That's so sad for everyone there.

What do you mean, sad?

It was probably a good speech.

No,

it would be great to see a president die right in front of you.

It would be so sad.

It was crazy that Trump got shot on TV.

Never really talked about Trump.

Yeah, we kind of forgot about it one day later.

Because everyone dislikes Trump.

But dislikes Trump, we would talk about it.

It's more so that it's like

nothing's surprising.

Yeah, nothing's real.

Yeah.

And plus, we know that it was a film.

Are you upset now?

Yeah, I think Teddy Roosevelt sucks.

I'm not being challenged.

You look like him.

No, I don't.

You're doing a Teddy Roosevelt look right now.

You look at Robin Williams Knight.

You're doing Knight of the Museum, Robin Williams, Teddy Roosevelt.

No, you just in fact, you're doing an impression of an impression.

You just don't even know what people look like.

I know what people look like.

You're like, oh, this guy looks like Stalin.

This guy looks like Stalin and Teddy Rosemary.

You do a little bit.

Stalin, not Teddy Roosevelt.

Young Stalin, look it up.

I know what young Stalin looks like.

He's from Georgia.

I have him up in my Georgia.

Big old Georgia boy.

Yeah, he was from Savannah.

Raised on cornbread.

Yeah.

I'm going to kill 20 million.

Million.

I like how he says that.

Million.

Yeah.

I always wondered about John Bernthal's teeth in that movie Fury.

Who the fuck is that?

He's an actor.

He was the 16th president of the United States.

I didn't learn about that.

Who's your favorite president?

You didn't listen to the podcast with

Shane and Louie?

I don't listen to any podcasts.

I didn't even know what this was going to be.

JFK was your favorite?

Wait, wait, do you think

he was a piece of ass?

Because when I look at him, I'm like, he's mid.

That's a mid-guy.

He's okay.

I think Clinton was probably better looking.

JFK was definitely an Angles guy.

Because you see some pictures of him, and he's stately and handsome.

Everyone's like, and then the other ones, it's like his fucking eyes are all fucked up, and he's like, because he was very sickly.

He had like a bunch of medical problems.

Like what?

He had some kind of, I think it was Addison's disease is what they diagnosed.

That was like a fake real thing.

Well, they used to have a lot of fun.

Sounds like Lena Dunham suffering from her atoms.

I don't know, but he had a bunch of intestinal problems and he fucked his back up.

Like they kept, they kept doing surgeries.

He was making it worse, but the

disc completely loses generous

speed, I think.

And then

Dr.

Feelgood.

In World War II, he always popped up.

He was like a PT boat

captain.

So he's sitting in this fucking chair, bouncing up and down.

He's like completely destroyed his back.

And yeah, he almost died like four times.

Do you think that he was was like bad in bed because of that?

No, no, he would hit a reverse cowgirl because of the back.

Apparently, I think that's actually true.

Yeah.

That is true.

Or at least I saw that.

He would do a reverse boo ya.

That was in that movie.

A reverse boo ya.

Yeah.

Like he would get down on all fours and then pull.

Do you know about the boo ya?

Yeah.

No, it's the booyah.

We've discussed it at great length previously.

So

sorry for the audience, but no, no, no.

Adrian, you deserve to know.

Yeah, please tell me.

We're classic guys, but we're talking about art.

There was a porn preview like 20 years ago on the internet of some black guy putting his nuts in some white lady's ass and then pulling

the nuts in her ass and then he pops them out and goes boo yah yeah

how did he get them in there i don't know but you just see this they there's just a clue booyah is so pulling his nuts out and he's

saying boo yah

it's getting me good again it's like abracadabra

and then and then about six or seven years ago on the internet some gay man pioneered the self boo yah where he had slow motion balls in his arms.

He has slow-motion videos of him showing his ass to the camera and his nuts are stuck in his ass.

And then he like leans forward and they pop out and swing, but it's in slow motion.

So it's like...

White guys can't let black guys have anything.

What do you mean?

We're not.

How do you know that gay guy is white?

He is white, probably.

He is white.

You just said a white guy, didn't you?

A self-booyah.

That's a completely different thing.

That's the story of America.

He's not doing that against the world.

First of all, that's not white people taking

that is cultural sharing collaboration.

It's innovation.

It's right.

That's what makes our country great.

It's literally jazz music.

It's our country great.

No, that's not mencia.

No.

To say that that's

stealing.

You're acting like that's mencia.

No, that guy's trying to advance art and art.

Did you say, are you one of these people that thinks Elvis stole everything?

Yes, absolutely.

No, no.

Elvis put Elvis made.

He put his own spin-on stuff,

but like he was basically stealing.

And never without acknowledgement.

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The brain looks in the light, too, by the way.

Backlight.

How nice is it?

Very shiny.

Yeah, thank you.

A great head of hair.

You can't see yourself, but you look great also.

Yeah, you look phenomenal right now.

Wow, this is great.

Yeah, you're looking forward to it.

I actually think you're better looking now.

Why?

Yeah.

I don't know.

But you should see how much better his skin looks on the camera than it used to.

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Nick, who's going to go off?

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All right.

All right.

Now we're back to the show.

Wow.

How's everyone doing?

Good.

We're talking about Stephen Dorff.

Yeah, Steven Dorff.

Have you seen the film Blade?

No.

Oh, you got to check it out.

I'm going to check it out.

You got to check it out.

You're probably not going to check it out.

It's about what if a black guy was a vampire, but also a human being.

And And he bites people, and then he goes, boo ya.

And he goes, booyah.

Booyah.

Booyah is the funniest.

That is a really funny catchphrase.

Yeah, right.

Especially, especially in a sexual colour.

Especially for a black vampire.

Yeah, yeah, booyah.

Booyah.

Booyah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Candyman should have said boo yah.

Oh, yeah, totally.

That would have worked.

We could rework that.

We could do AI.

Helen.

Booyah.

Come, come, boo ya with me.

Helen.

Great movie.

So

you're getting a lot of heat on this special.

I'm sure that

Hollywood's calling.

They are.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'm hearing leading lady.

Leading lady in a vampire movie.

In a vampire movie.

She's in Titanic, too.

She's playing the boat.

I'm the boat.

Yeah, she's the boat in Titanic, too.

And everyone goes down on me.

The leading lady.

What?

That's funny.

Oh, okay.

That's mean.

I'm sorry.

Is that mean?

He's saying it's mean.

He's whispering at me.

Oh, no.

It's funny saying that.

But I disagree.

You're not playing the boat.

I kinda wish I wasn't.

I'm not playing the ocean.

That's the main.

Oh.

Wow.

Sorry.

We're in Austin, Texas right now.

We're doing free speech.

Yeah.

No, no, come on.

Should I say it like Tony?

Yeah, she's playing the boat.

Yeah.

What's that?

Let me see who does a better Tony.

Hinchcliffe?

Yeah.

Um,

Why you come on my show and do open mic?

Is that no?

He is more like

Hans Kim.

Talk to him.

You guys are pretty racist.

Hans?

No, Tony did racism first.

I confused both Hans Kim and Tony.

Tony did the racism first.

Which one is a paradise?

Oh, it's the two men that bracket a peeper.

Is that Tony or Hans?

Yeah.

It's the two men that bracket a peeper outside.

Which one is it Tony or Hans?

Do you remember the other day in the shower?

You just like a Chinese guy

hearing about Black Lives Matter?

Oh, no, a Japanese guy.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

A Japanese guy that finds out about Black Lives Matter.

And he just laughs.

No, he's like, oh, Breck Rashmado.

You're Don Sher.

Oh, you're Don Sher.

That's the whole thing.

That's it.

Oh, Brock Rashmar.

Brock Ross Mara, you're Don Shaire.

That's the entire joke, man.

Oh, you don't chat.

It got us mildly interested.

You're more mature, though.

Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, really.

Because I just think that black lives do matter, you know?

I think, yeah.

No.

No, no.

It seems like you guys don't.

I think family matters.

I think family matters.

Family does not matter.

Family guys matter.

I think family matters.

Family does not matter?

No.

But you got, what about your four kids?

They don't matter to me.

Where are they right now?

Who knows?

Really?

Because they don't matter.

Really?

They're somewhere.

You forgot them.

They're forgotten.

I didn't even know that.

It's like you you forgot like a scarf.

I didn't remember until you brought them up.

Remember how disappointed

as a kid when you found out that you couldn't drive on the rings of Saturn?

That it's just rocks?

I think that was just you.

I remember being very disappointed to find out that it's just an illusion, that it's not like a road.

Because the Rainbow Road.

Super Mario Kart.

Yeah, but I had fantasies one day maybe that it could live on the rings of Saturn.

And they're like, no, it's just dust.

It's an illusion.

It's not real.

Yeah.

I was like, well, fuck.

What was the the biggest disappointment of your life, Adrian?

I think being here.

Oh, shut up.

Well, you're having a real time.

Change your lights, Pete.

Change your lights.

You're having the time of your life right now.

Make her look real.

I mean, I was until you brought up.

Make her look real.

Let's change the lights.

Well, you're against or for?

I'm very for it.

Well, you had that website that was, you ran through that guy in India that got $50 billion.

They got $50 billion, but it said it was for George.

I kept it all.

So $5 million from Netflix.

What are we doing?

Well, I want to invest in your show, but I want to make some changes.

What do you want to change?

I want you guys to look like you care.

Your outfits, your outfits are his, your outfits are.

I look fucking awesome.

I look like Jeff Ross right now, dude.

I'm a 56-year-old man dressing like a top.

We should go.

We're about to be, we should go leather.

Do you guys want to be in business with me or not?

Okay, if you do you think we should go leather, not leather, but just like maybe something that matches, you know?

Well, he's white hoodie, I'm black hoodie.

It's kind of like a cow pod spy for a spy.

It's kind of like a white hat, a black hat.

I want you guys to coordinate.

I thought about once we got the new lights, I was so excited about this setup because it took two years to get a gaffer in here to do the lights the way they were supposed to.

Two years?

Two years, yeah.

Why would it take so long?

Because there was always other shit going on, and it was a fight about like he'd say the lights aren't important.

And then I said, Look, just trust me on this.

Listen, when I take over, whatever I say goes, you have

to need a woman.

Because the truth be told, I mean, we did have to, to get the background to light up and be the right color.

It's like we had to buy 15 new lights.

Yeah.

I'm going to probably change that when I come in.

What is your plan?

You're going to see it's a good idea.

It sends these lights together.

And look how cool this looks.

It's like a real T V studio.

Yeah, yeah.

And you can't see it.

The audience can't see it.

That's true.

When I come in here, there's going to be a strobe light.

Yeah.

We have a strobe.

All of these can be set to strobe.

You can pick any one of them and they can strobe.

Can you strobe it?

We're not hooked up to DMX.

We need it's everything's just controlled.

Do we have different looks or just one look, right?

Just one look.

Yeah.

Yeah, I want different looks.

It's not necessary to have like a kind of A24-style look at a certain point.

I want you guys also in bowling shirts.

Well, we got the license.

I said, I like that.

I said I'm like wearing a suit to the show, but I only have one suit and I don't look good in it anymore.

What happened that you don't look good in it anymore?

I was vegan for a year and I started drinking again, so I think I transitioned.

Yeah, he went bowling pin.

He was a V and then he went bowling pin.

Well, I want you guys to look at it.

This guy's body has gone through so many transformations.

It's incredible.

I'm like Christian Bale instead of, but like, imagine if he didn't act, he was just a guy with bad hygiene.

Just a guy who doesn't brush it.

And a mood disorder.

It's like, wow, Christian Bale.

Imagine if he was just.

He just keeps changing his facial hair.

He was like a reception for somewhere.

And you're like, Christian Bale loses 100 pounds.

You do look a little bit like Christian Bale.

I see that.

Everybody's saying I look like everybody.

I see it.

I see it.

I know.

Can I just look like Jeff Ross?

That's what I want.

Your outfit does, yes.

Thank you.

Good.

You want to get a grill?

No, no, no, no.

Bowling shirts.

It would be really dope if Trump added Rosemaster General to the cabinet or something.

You know, with all these wacky pics.

Yeah.

You got Jeff Ross.

Do you think it was wacky picks or pigs?

Picks.

Picks.

I should make Jeff Ross the ambassador to China and he can just go over that.

This guy looks like this guy.

This guy looks like this guy, and this guy had a baby.

They're like, oh, he's he's right.

He's so good at saying, well, who got it?

He went that.

He really went that.

Yeah.

Ma'am, yeah.

So you voted for Trump or no?

I voted for him six times.

Really?

I got yelled at.

For voting for Trump.

No, into Kamala.

She yelled at me.

Oh.

She peeped.

And then I erased it.

Yeah,

I don't think she got the black vote.

I think she overlooked it.

Black voting

got it.

It's just that it was less of them.

I don't think she got a lot.

I think there was a lot of black Trump

ports.

They were blaming

Latinos.

Which is funny.

Trump ran from blaming Latinos and then the Democrats lost and then blamed Latinos.

Everyone just wants to blame Latinos.

Yeah.

It's Mexicans' fault.

I can't even believe it because the Democrats had the respect to call them Latinx.

What's the difference between Latinx and Latinos?

It's like gay Mexican.

Oh, the X makes you gay.

X congay.

It's weird.

Latinx.

Isn't that DMX, though?

The Latin X ones, they have like metal skeletons and claws.

Oh.

They're kind of a cyberpunk version.

They sound kind of cool, actually.

I think so, too.

Some of them have laser eyes

and they touch

one of them's handicapped, but he can control things with his mind.

Yeah, yeah.

He's sort of the leader of the game.

It's similar to Professor X, but

there was a lawsuit, and they claim it's not.

One of them is named Beast, and he looks just like Beast from X-Men, but

it's actually someone's wife.

It's like that meme with Peter Griffin.

It's like, everyone knows who someone who looked like this.

Yeah, it's like him with like a Mexican girl's haircut.

Oh, it's a good meme.

You should check it out.

Uh-huh.

Nick said it to me one day.

I was taking a poop, and I literally started scream laughing.

There's one named Magneto.

He's covered in drywall screws.

They're just stuck to his body.

It would be cool seeing Magneto.

His name's Magneto.

He's wearing a Looney Tunes denim jacket.

He's like my little poop air pants on.

Low rider.

Yeah.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Are you mad at us right now?

Hey, Magneto.

No, no, I love you guys.

Hey, Magnito.

Magneto.

Oh, Magneto.

Home Depot.

Home Depot.

Home Depot Magniro Home Depot

Home Depot

I have to go see Home Depot Magnier

Hispanic I hope he does not use a metal on me

he's so scary Magniro is so mad I hope he does not use a metal on me he found out he can control metals in the Holocaust that's very scary

and also I think the actor is gay

is true no

That's kind of the subtext of X-Men that Hitler was kind of right because he was trying to kill Magneto.

Well, Magneto is a bad guy.

It is confusing.

It's confusing for me.

Now look what's happening.

It is confusing for me.

This boy was already in the jail.

Yeah.

We had him.

Yeah.

We had him.

We captured Magneto a hundred years ago.

We almost got him.

Hitler went back in time to stop Magneto.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

See, again, you're using Hitler and not Stalin.

Because Magneto was in Auschwitz.

Stalin didn't do that.

Back to the initial point.

Who did Stalin kill?

Everyone.

Name one.

They died in war and he was.

Tell me who was.

Drake Terrace.

Drake Terrace?

Yeah.

From Degrassi?

No.

Oh.

Who's Drake Terrace?

You never heard of him?

The Hotlein Bling?

No, the guy that invented...

That's like a name a con man comes up with.

Drake Terrace.

He's trying to get like $200 out of a laundry.

Yeah, is that a Chase band?

Yes, my name is Drake Terrace.

I was just making fun of him.

I dropped off my suit here a week ago.

You lost it.

It's Drake Terrace.

Check again.

Well, that was a $5,000 suit.

Drake Terrace.

Drake Terrace is a great job.

I will accept $25 in cash for this malfeasance.

Thank you very much.

And I won't be doing my business here anymore.

Maybe it's time to hit the scratch-offs.

It's pay dirt.

$25 from the laundromat.

Drake Terrace strikes again.

Drake Terrace is a great name.

Yeah.

I think you're just jealous.

I'm not jealous.

What am I jealous of?

It's a great name.

This dead guy from Russia?

Isn't that from Russia?

I thought you said Solan Kilda.

I have the best fake name in the world.

It's better than Drake Terrace.

What is it?

Orlando Bloom.

Not as good.

I think Orlando Bloom might be the best fake name.

It's craziest for a white guy, too.

Yeah, I know.

Orlando?

Yeah.

Orlando Bloom?

Yeah, that's my name.

You kind of look like him, too.

He does.

That's what I mean.

I'm just a white guy.

Yeah.

I look like all of them.

You look like a lot of whites.

Teddy Roosevelt, Stalin, fucking MLK Jr.

Yeah.

Who's that?

Junior Jr.

Orlando Bloom.

Yeah.

Kobe Bryant.

And then the black version would be Jacksonville Flower.

I'm the black.

I'm the black Orlando Bloom.

Jacksonville Flower.

I'm Tampa Flores.

I told Dan Soder, it was a couple years ago.

Dan's from Aurora, Colorado.

That's the town he's from.

I saw a headline out of Aurora, Colorado.

Tragedy.

And it was about a murder.

These two guys murdered somebody, and the headline was Aurora Cousins indicted on murder.

It was two black guys, but they only had a picture of one of the black guys.

So I thought it was a black guy named Aurora Cousins.

That's actually a good name.

Yeah.

And it took me a while to figure it out.

It's like the two were, I'm like, what do you mean the two?

There's Aurora Cousins, and who's the other guy?

I like that.

Yeah.

Who will tidbit?

Why do they only have one guy though?

The picture of only one guy.

I don't know.

Because they're like, yeah, these guys look the same.

The other guy looks like him too.

They're cousins.

Practically twins.

I saw these on Instagram.

There are these two guys who look like twins, but both of their parents were identical twins who got married to each other.

And they're technically cousins, but they looked exactly the same because both their parents.

Yeah, it was one, a guy identical twin, married a girl, identical twin, and then his brother married her sister.

And then they were born like

a week apart, but they look exactly like the same guy.

I mean, that makes sense.

It kind of makes sense, right?

Yeah, it's like that's not, I don't understand why that's news, even.

It's not news.

It was an Instagram reel of two Mexican guys married.

Well, it's news.

Instagram is the news.

Yeah, it is the news to me.

That's where I get my news.

Did they have kids?

The two guys?

The scientists are working on it.

Oh, wait.

I thought you said it was a guy that married his girl cousin.

No, no, no.

Two sets of twins, two guys, two girls, both had kids.

One guy, one girl, one guy, one girl.

Yeah.

And then their kids just looked exactly the same.

When I was at Cobbs this weekend, at one of the shows, there was two guys that came up to me and they were twins.

You know, and I was like, oh, that's interesting.

You're twins, haha.

And then, like, 10 minutes later, another group, there were two sets of twins at the show.

And then, what is that called?

Clustering?

Yeah.

A super cluster.

What is it called?

Where was the school?

The school?

You said you did a college gig, right?

No, no, I did Cobbs.

Oh, are they saying college gigs?

No, I said San Francisco, and your brain probably turned that into college because you hate those college liberals.

You don't like those, yeah.

Yeah.

I am a college liberal.

I'm still in college.

Where are you going?

San Francisco.

Phoenix.

Oh,

SFU.

SFU.

Phoenix Online.

You're a sorority, too.

No, I'm not in a sorority.

I can't do it.

You can't do it.

I'm sober.

Really?

There's a big expectation of drinking.

I know.

So that's why I can't get into it again, you know.

Really?

But why don't you join the nerd one?

I mean, I guess I could.

Yeah.

But don't they still drink?

Yeah, but there's less pressure on them.

You know, they're clear.

Maybe you don't celebrate

the differences.

I'm good.

And they'll be like, okay, instead of like forcing you to drink.

Yeah, they'll be like, we celebrate that difference in you.

There's just one where all the leftovers go.

Gotcha.

There's a film called

The House Bunny with Anna Ferris.

I learned all about it there because she gets kicked out of Playboy Mansion, then goes to a college because she has nowhere to live, and then joins the nerd girl sorority.

I mean, I'm going to look at all this stuff when I go to the business.

It's a great film.

It's a Happy Madison.

Okay, yeah, I'm going to check it out.

Yeah, go ahead and check it out.

And to all the viewers, check that out.

Should I get into online college?

But then I'm just going to.

Do you want to go to college with me?

I want to do online college, and I want to try and get like an animal house going in the chat room where I'm like, guys, let's play pranks on the professor, dude.

I'm going to DM him child porn.

And I'm like, guys, it's college.

They'll think that's hilarious.

Guys, it's fucking college.

Let's do it.

Brandon is always busting our walls.

Let's fucking send it to you.

Let's get the dude to lighten up.

Let's send his account stuff and play pranks.

Let's order 500 pieces.

Send a child to his house and he'll fuck it.

Dude, it's Animal House at Phoenix University.

Let's go to the girls and do a panty raid.

Let's hack into the girls' computer and jack off to them when they don't know their cameras are on.

Like Animal House.

Like poor Phoenix on a a gas.

You're going to need that gun.

I got to be honest.

For what?

Hunting women?

You're going to get shot.

It's just like a 65-year-old man, like you know, like a guy that just learned English, like an immigrant.

Yeah, it's a cool squad.

Yeah, the Indian guy on online college.

I keep calling him Booger.

Yeah.

That's your nickname, bro.

Booger.

Don't you fuck call me that.

Yeah.

I don't want to be Booger.

Why?

Why?

Come on, I finally watched Revenge of the Nerds.

Booger is the one that is cool.

He has a a leather jacket.

He's actually cool.

He has Elvis aesthetic.

I love the king.

Anyway.

So,

so we could check out your special once again on Netflix.

Yeah.

It's called The Dark Queen.

Yep, $5 million.

$5 million.

What's the inspiration for that name?

Ari kind of gave it to me because I just kind of talk about dark topics, I guess, or my approach to life.

I like wearing black.

The little Ari Shafir bon mott.

Yeah.

He shaved half his head.

It looks kind of cool.

Well, it's gone now.

Now it's just all one length.

His head and his face.

Oh, interesting.

But for a while, yeah, he was just half

half.

He's shaved half on the head.

Yeah, and now it's just all one length.

He's a great guy.

Shout out to Ari Shafir.

One of the best in the biz.

Shout out to Adrian.

Thank you.

One of the best in the biz.

Shout out to Louie.

Louie directed it.

Shout out to Louis C.K., one of the best in the biz.

You guys are the best in the biz, too.

No.

No.

You're not, but I just wanted you to feel good.

No, we feel good.

That's great.

Do you feel good lying to me?

Yeah, we're good.

But it wasn't a lie.

What are you giving us a patronizing?

Why are you giving us a particular

and then you said us, and then we would have participation drove us.

I'm friends with Louis, by the way, so I don't even have to fuck you.

She's friends with Louie.

Anyway, great podcast.

We don't have any friends, and everyone hates us.

Everyone hates us.

I was going to revamp the show for you guys.

We're the least popular guys in the world, and everyone hates us.

Anyway, guys, thanks for joining us today.

It's been a great podcast.

Thank you, Adrian.

Thank you very much.

Thanks for having me.

And let's keep it going for Pete.

Let's keep it going for Pete.

Microphone and the lights, they look amazing.

Let's give it up for the season.

You gave me the Pete gave me this water.

You got to see yourself on these fucking, on the monitor.

You are going to look incredible.

You're going to say

I've never been.

I finally found my light.

I can't wait.

Is that Megan Fox?

No, it's me.

All right.

Thanks a lot, guys.

Bye.

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