The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Derek Drescher - Episode 74

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Hello and welcome to the Outline Freedline Show.

Special guest today, Derek Drescher.

You want to say hello to the people?

How you doing, guys?

So what's your body count?

Sex-wise.

That's how we start off every episode.

I've been watching a lot of these street TikTok things where kids talk.

They ask what we're doing.

We'll do it up front that way.

Sorry, real quick.

Go ahead.

So I didn't even realize but i have shows in north carolina meeting next week and october 11th and 12th i will be in charlotte and it i had to scramble but we have uh there it will be now benefit shows so all the money will go to

the name of the organization is the disaster relief fund with the north carolina community foundation which had a 100 rating on charity navigator which is a website i've never heard of but for the the hurricane?

It's yeah, so it's the disaster relief fund for the North Carolina Community Foundation.

We'll put a link in the description if you want to start donating now.

And they sent me a QR code that hopefully we can overlay the video.

And then if you're in North Carolina and you're not dead, come to the Comedy Zone.

And yeah, we're, I mean, the ticket sales will go to the charity, and then hopefully we can raise some more money there as well.

But yeah, please come out.

I mean,

it seems pretty fucking bad there.

So,

yeah, that's it, guys.

Comedy for a good cause.

Guys, also, I will be at the Funny Bone in Syracuse November 8th and 9th next month.

So

I hear great things.

Go Orangeman.

Jim Bayheim.

Who's that?

Isn't that their coach?

I don't watch that.

Peace.

College sports dude?

Bayheim.

Oh, I watch.

Well, I try to watch as young as possible.

I'm starting at

under tens.

No, apparently, what I heard, actually, what my agents were telling me because of the NIL deals, do you know about how you can get sponsorships now in college?

Yeah, they're getting paid.

They get paid.

Yeah.

So, like, the whole system of like sports agencies has been thrown into chaos.

Because previously, you could be a sports agent, go to like LSU, party with guys, you know, like go to sororities.

So they sign with you when they get together.

Now they're like, now they're in like Iowa paying off corrupt 11-year-old uncles.

Like, you know, uncles of 11-year-olds, not 11-year-olds who are uncles.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So now it's the least fun game, like, uh, uh,

uh, whatever, profession in the world.

It used to be like.

Uncle Bob's going to take you to Chuck E.

Cheese if you sign.

Exactly.

You used to, like, go to Bama and then, like, you know, do shots and stuff.

Damn, they're going after kids that early now, huh?

They have to, because now they're getting, like, you you know, endorsement deals and stuff.

So now they're in play, like, like, super young.

So can they have it in?

Now it's like just a pedophile profession, apparently.

Like, now it's just like you have to hunt children.

I mean, they've been doing that.

I love Dominicans' body for years, right?

They sign them when they're like 12, 13 years old.

And they put them in those camps.

Do you know about this?

Concentration?

Baseball frame.

They do it in baseball camps.

Yeah, they do it in Venezuela and the Dominican Republic.

Yeah, but all those nine-year-olds in the Dominican Republic are also probably 43 years old.

Yeah, they have children already.

Danny Almonte style.

You remember that kid, Nick?

No.

He was in the Little League World Series, and he was just like, oh, right, yeah.

He had a beard.

He was like,

he was throwing gas.

Yeah.

That was so funny.

Yeah, he had.

He was just dunking on children.

He was like 6'4.

Yeah,

he was playing for the Bronx.

He was an adult.

I mean, it wasn't even that he was just big.

I mean, he looked old, too.

Yeah, yeah.

He would just like throw 95.

I think he was like 16 or 17 years old.

Yeah, they just lied about his age.

Yeah.

That's always been an issue with foreign-born players.

Dude, fucking win by any means necessary.

I remember that during the Olympic, the Winter Olympics, in like, what is it, 2018 maybe?

It was the year Itanya came out.

Good movie.

And I was in an Airbnb out in the woods.

The year of Movie Pass as well.

2018, yeah.

Yeah, big year, I i guess big year

uh but yeah itanya came out but then i was in an airbnb and they had you know it was a tv on it was weird i was out in the woods and uh

so you know i turned on the tv it's figure skating at the winter olympics and the guy i happen to see is the male figure skater from china and they're talking about him and they uh they like they're like yeah he's either 37 or 38 years old it's like the guy doesn't even have a fucking birthday he was just enlisted by the state to figure skate.

And it was like right before I saw Itanya.

And like the premise of Itanya is like, oh, you know, it's this working-class girl and like this sport for rich girls.

But then it's like, yeah, but then you compare it to the Olympics and it's like, you're in the top 2%.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Tanya Harding's life was better than this Chinese guy that doesn't even have a fucking birthday.

You know what I mean?

Like he doesn't know when he was born.

He has no idea what else to do.

Yeah, nothing.

He just skates.

Right.

That's it.

But that is actually.

That is pretty alpha, though.

I think

actually a man shouldn't even know what his birthday is.

Like having a birthday party as an adult man for you.

Yeah, but you do.

I do it and it feels

pathetic.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It doesn't feel like.

I haven't enjoyed a birthday since I was 25.

Yeah, you don't.

I have not in my adulthood really ever.

You plan birthday stuff for me.

You'll twist my arm into doing it, and then it's like, you know, we'll go to like Dave and Busters.

Literally, Dave and Busters.

Literally, Dave and Busters is where.

Let's just let that marinate after that, after that statement.

Yeah,

it's nice if your friend is with his friends on his birthday.

I didn't say it's not nice.

I'm saying twist his arm.

I'm saying you're games.

I twist his arm.

You can be nice and also.

Does he trick you, or do you know that he's not?

Can you imagine?

Just the manners of that.

The manners of that.

Oh, hitting up our friends.

Oh, Nick should, Nick should, we should all hang out with Nick because it's his birthday coming up.

Right.

And then him being like...

Yeah, but we're 45 years old.

So what?

It's a nice thing to do for a friend.

Are you that old?

You're 45?

No, I'm 35.

He's about 47, though.

Me?

I don't know.

I'm not sure.

You don't know what your birthday is?

Well, yeah.

Growing up and shining.

That Chinese guy's probably worn probably shoes and don't have blades on the body.

Oh, 100%.

That guy's from birth.

They strapped the fucking skates on him and he's never taken them off.

Yeah, he grew up in that training facility.

Yeah.

You ever watched that 30 for 30 about the Miracle on Ice Russian team?

Oh, dude, I love that.

That's one of the greatest sports moments ever.

Up in,

where the hell were they?

Lake Placid.

Lake Placid.

But have you seen the 30 for 30 about the Russian players?

No.

And, well, it's like...

Were they executing?

I mean, basically, yeah, they were pissing blood and shit.

And it's like, you know, the the Soviet Union, it's like, it was like a military designation.

It's like you have to play.

Yeah, those guys were all generals.

Oh, yeah, and they have to, you have to, like, you have to, like, ice skate carrying boulders completely naked, and then they go to America and fucking lose.

Yeah, a bunch of college kids.

And then they're humiliated when they go home.

They're like spit on when they go home.

They lose to guys that, like, spike the punch at a frat party.

They lose to the guy, to guys with gray zone sexual assaults.

Have you ever watched a documentary on HBO

about about

the game of Miracle on Ice?

What the fuck is that actor's name?

I forget his name.

There's an actor narrating it, and there's this one part I love when he goes, the captain of the USA Olympic team, Mike Aruzzioni, steps onto the ice, whose name means eruption in Italian.

Causes just that.

And then he scores a goal.

I'm sorry.

Against those poor Russians.

Those dudes were like 35 years old.

They're like pros, the Russians.

They've been playing with each other since they were like 15.

Yeah,

well, they were conscripted.

But that's basically what it's like, basically what's happening in Gaza.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

The miracle.

The miracle on the street.

I mean, it's like, wow, they're getting Hamas.

And it's like, yeah, but these guys are.

They're plucky upstarts.

Yeah, right.

They got nothing.

They've

been conscripted into this.

These guys are playing.

Yeah.

Happy Rosh Hashanah, by the way,

fucking new year.

Happy Rosh Hashanah.

I woke up today, and I'm like, fuck, I got to move my car.

And then I'm like, no, I don't.

No, you don't.

No.

You don't have to move your car in Rosh Hashanah.

No, you don't.

So that's why Israel isn't that bad.

No, but here's why it is.

This is why I was saying.

Look, if you destroy Israel, what, you think Jewish people just go away?

No, they're all going to move here, and then we're getting all the holidays.

Then we're getting

every single.

I got to move my car once every two months, basically.

Is there more Jews in America than in Israel?

There might be.

There was a time when there was more in New York.

Than the whole country of Israel.

There are

14 million altogether?

That's 2% of American population.

population.

The population in Israel is like 9.5 million.

So if there's 400 million Americans, that's what?

8 million here?

It's probably the same amount.

I don't think that number...

2% seems like it hasn't been updated in like 100 years.

It's true.

Because I feel like the population is...

They do that with black people also.

They say, because there's like a right-wing thing where they're like, it's weird.

13% of the population commits 50% of the crime or something.

But it's like the 13%, it's been 13% my entire life.

It's like, do they,

does it stay the same?

I can't imagine that it would, right?

It's got to be a different number.

What if that was the whole thing that explains it?

If they did the census and they're like, oh, sorry, black people are 60% of the country.

We just didn't know.

And then all those guys are like, oh, I guess I'm not racist.

I was just doing the math wrong the whole time.

I have a lot to think about.

Yeah.

I guess I better check out hip-hop.

Some of that shit's great.

Like after the Boston Marathon bombing, you know, there's only like 200 Chechen people in the United States?

Really?

There's like none of them.

There's none of them.

And they all do MMO.

That's what I was saying last time.

They should have put that Joker guy in the zoo rather than in an actual zoo?

Yeah, put him in a fucking zoo.

If there's 200 Chechens,

there's got to be a cutoff where it's like, all right.

I was just reading about a guy they kept in the Bronx Zoo back in the day, too.

That's hilarious.

Yeah, it's the saddest story in the world.

This is a Puerto Rican guy.

No, he was wearing birdman lugs.

They put him in with the parrots.

No, it was.

What the hell was his name?

He still managed to have two families.

He was a pygmy.

Yeah.

He had a family with

him in a family.

P.T.

Barnum kept a guy from Georgia in his...

It was like the Hall of Oddity.

Yeah, the What Is It.

Yeah.

And then there's contemporary newspaper accounts from

reporters.

Right.

And they're like, yeah, this is clearly a mentally disabled black man.

This is not...

Nobody thought it was like a monkey or anything.

They just thought they were like, oh, you've imprisoned a man.

Yeah.

They had that guy in the

exhibit.

In your mind, you're like, oh, people were so stupid back then.

They probably thought that was actually like a different.

But no, they knew exactly what it was.

They knew what they were doing.

They gave that dude in the Bronx Zoo.

They gave him a bow and arrow in case the gorillas or the apes.

Did he commit suicide?

He just blew his...

Either shot himself in the heart or blew his brain.

With the fucking bow and arrow?

No.

No.

Where did he get a gun?

He got out.

They let him out.

But this guy had to buy him or pay somebody off to get him out.

And then he was in the boogie down Bronx.

People are doing graffiti, breakdancing,

MCing.

It was at the dawn of hip-hop.

It was at the dawn of hip-hop.

Gun violence.

Yeah.

Gun violence.

I think he killed himself in like the 30s.

That might be one of the saddest stories.

That was horrible.

That Wikipedia.

Yeah.

Nick mentioned this seven years ago on Cometown.

Oh, he did.

No, no, but

the orangutan in the whorehouse in

Mexico.

Was it in Mexico?

I would imagine.

It would have been crazy.

No, no, it was like in, I think it was in like Cambodia.

There was a yeah, there's a there's a monkey you can have sex with.

They put like makeup.

They like shaved an orangutan.

A female monkey?

Yeah.

No, that was a guy.

It was gay also.

And it would be okay with just let people die.

I don't know if it was okay.

Well, Jim Norton used to have that bit about this story about somebody got arrested for raping a pit bull.

And Norton's like, let me just make it clear.

You can't rape a pit bull.

He's like, if you're having sex with that pit bull, it's because it wants you to have sex with it.

I remember this episode of Cops.

They caught this guy fucking a dog, like in Tennessee.

A Haitian migrant.

That's the other thing.

Now it's got to the level.

I don't really understand.

They're like complaining complaining about them fucking eating dogs or whatever.

Is that, of all the, it's like, is that bad?

Because they're not like...

If they're coming here and they're just integrating with the ecosystem and they're eating like bugs and stray dogs, it's like, that's good.

They're like spiders.

But did he confuse Haitians with Asians?

I don't know.

The Haitians are the angry.

That would be a funny extra thing.

If it was Vietnamese guys.

It would be crazy if the media was lying and you went to Springfield, Ohio or wherever it is, and there's like literally a giant web and there's a Haitian guy who's got eight legs and he's got a bunch of dogs wrapped up and webbing.

And you're like, oh, my God.

They never tell the truth.

They fucking always lie, dude.

He's best friends with the pigs.

Yeah, right.

He's telling fables.

Yeah, he's telling fables.

He's a a Nancy the Spider.

He's writing messages.

Yes, they eat dogs.

And he taught me a lot about sharing.

It's a beautiful story.

I was trying to think of a Haitian name and then put Webb after it.

Because instead of sharing the name of the name of the name,

Wycliffe John.

Wycliffe John, of course.

They have a lot of names that are like.

French, right?

But yeah, or French, but then also like British sea captain names from like 100 years ago.

Yeah.

Like Matthew Perry.

There was a guy, Matthew Perry, wasn't there?

Yeah, Commodore Matthew Perry.

The original.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

His book's out now.

I see it in the airport.

They said he was.

That's a weird thing.

It's all over the airports, the Matthew Perry book.

And it's like, who's grabbing that for a flight?

The actor.

Well, I got to go to Cleveland, so I want to read about this guy how he's addicted to Viking.

Matthew Perry, the actor.

Yeah.

No, the Commodore.

Yeah.

So there was a Commodore.

There was a Commodore.

And he was just as sarcastic as Chandler, apparently.

Oh, I got it.

He's one of the most sarcastic Commodores.

Did he actually overdosed from Vicodin?

No, I think he destroyed it.

I mean,

he had a Vicodin problem for most of his adult life.

Right.

But then he's like, you know, if you take, I mean, you know, if you take opiates, you can't shit.

You get backed up.

He just ignored that and ruptured its colon.

Oh, he backed up.

Shit into his body.

He was impacted.

Yeah, shit into his own body and then was in like in a coma for six months, a couple years back.

When I did drugs, I was like a big,

I always thought I had impacted feces, and I would just like to do that.

I got gun surgery in January, and they didn't give me, I didn't, I didn't think about it.

I was just on Vicodin for four days, and then, yeah, I had to like fucking pull feces out of my ass with my hand.

And then it's like, and now I got to get the surgery done again.

And I'm trying to, I'm like, make sure I get the prune juice system.

Yeah.

They don't give you like opioids anymore for anything.

No, I actually.

If you go to a good day, if you pay out of pocket, you get whatever the fuck you want.

Yeah, those guys still exist where you give them 300 bucks and they'll write you.

I think the last thing they do it for is sex change operation.

You can still get the Viking in.

I just, I straightened my groin a couple weeks ago.

That's like a Trump.

Trump would say that.

That's an insane thing.

People are.

No, I just made that up.

Yeah, they're getting their sex change.

They're getting their penises on.

That's crazy.

These opioid addicts.

Yeah.

That's wild.

Yeah, no, they just gave me...

The doctor didn't even want to give me,

because

like my abs are, like, the groin and the abs are connected, so like, my abs will like spasm.

So it's like, you know, I need a muscle.

You were on junk.

I was on junk, yeah.

Aren't you, you, you're like a personal trainer.

I am.

So what, like, you're not doing like yo?

No, dude.

I haven't worked out in, I don't know how long.

Wait, you're telling other people how to work out, but you don't.

Yeah.

You're a hypocrite?

I mean.

It sounds like you're a hypocrite.

I basically say, I'm like, don't look at me how I look.

Look at yourself.

Yeah.

And then just, if you want to look how I've been doing it.

Has anyone ever been in the gym?

Hey, go fuck yourself.

Oh, for sure.

And I kick them right out.

Where do you personally train?

I work with you.

Do you have a copy of Supple Leopard?

No, what's that?

Oh, I feel like it's in every one of those kinds of gyms.

Yeah, it's like one of the main, like Supple Leopard.

It's like a PT book, but basically, any kind of pain you have, it tells you where it can be referred from and what rehab exercises.

It's like your toe hurts.

It's really your hip.

Yeah, yeah it's it's great it's an encyclopedia basically of like prehab and rehab exercises where do you train out of i i work at a gym called calmbody which is a gym that only hires trainers who have been uh incarcerated uh and you were you served a hard time yeah

were you in the you were in the nation uh the white the the nazis no no when i was in yeah i'm a puerto rican jew i can't get in the nazis so where do you go well that's only in the feds and there's really no Nazis left.

I thought the whites go Nazi, black goes Muslim, and then Latins go Muslims.

No, all the white guys want to be black now.

All the white.

Yes.

They're like, yo, what's up, man?

So they let them in Nation of Islam?

I have seen white guys in the NOI.

Yes, I have.

So what crew were you?

What was your crew?

I hung out with the Puerto Ricans.

And

what was your style?

It was just...

My style?

Yeah, what was the style?

I will say that.

What was the banter?

It's become more dewy since I've got older for sure.

My nose keeps growing, my ears and all that stuff.

You know that's true.

Yeah.

The nose and the earlobes never stop.

It's the sad.

When I found that out, I wanted to cry.

Yeah.

They just keep growing.

It's horrible.

I mean, yeah, I just, I hung with Puerto Ricans.

I hung with everybody.

It's not really like that in the minimum security

spots in New York.

It's not like, you know, the West Coast is all military, you know, whites with whites, blacks with blacks.

If If black people are eating here, a white person can't sit there.

What's minimum security?

Well, they don't even exist anymore.

They cut them out.

Now everything's medium and maximum.

So what are the levels?

What are the minimum?

Yeah, what does minimum do?

You should just do it by weight clock.

It's fucking insane that that's not the truth.

I should go to women's.

No, really.

It should be.

If you're under 140, or 32 pounds, you should be a minimum.

In a bantam prison.

You know what I mean?

And then in between, then just do it by weight clock.

And

Yeah.

That's fine, but at least you're not going to be able to do that.

And then I'm just like, you're going to feel Mexican.

You're going to feel like you had a shot.

You know what I mean?

Like, if you feel, like, because what people live off of is hope.

And if some fucking like six foot dude.

You still got a wake-up call.

If some six-foot-six dude is like, all right, we're going to fight.

You're like, oh, we're going to fight.

I'm going to lose.

Right, yeah.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

I'll see you in the next one.

I could get mad at you if they could convince myself I could beat up like 145 people.

That is a

but I'd be like,

fuck this piece of shit.

Because, Matt, you're like still having to cut weights so you don't go up a weight in prison.

So, how do you, I got to stay in middleweight because if I get, I can't hang with a light heavy.

Yeah, dude.

That's okay.

So,

I've always said this, right?

And it's kind of a bit, but it's actually not even a bit.

It's how I feel.

Right.

If someone, if I'm getting raped constantly, that's what happens.

Okay, I'm just saying.

Let's say I.

Oh, I mean, but what's him?

Come on.

I mean, look at me.

You're like, you're like,

me and my cool Puerto Rican friends personally didn't see anyone getting raped.

No, no.

People making love.

That's what I'm saying.

Let's say, okay, look at.

Okay, I'm the bell of the ball.

Okay.

And it's happening to me every night.

And I'm like, this is unpleasant.

I don't enjoy this.

Why wouldn't I just go to the authorities?

How do you get to be here's my question?

Because this is a better question.

Everyone talks about the rape stuff, and nobody gives a shit.

Why wouldn't I tattle it?

Here's a better prison question.

How do you get to be one of the guys that has like GameCube in his cell?

You know what I mean?

You get to be rich.

Yeah.

No, and everybody has iPads now.

And everyone's got phones.

Play games.

But what if you went like GameCube or Sega Genesis?

You got to be like Avon Barksdale.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

A sneaker, a wall of sneakers.

Yeah.

Wait, wait.

Because it seems like it's just that guy that murdered a bunch of children in Norway.

And he's like the only one that gets PlayStation.

No, Jared from Subway definitely has PS5.

Dude, those prisons in Norway are sick.

They're awesome.

They have like fucking granite countertops.

Yeah.

Granite countertops.

It looks like a holiday.

It's insane.

They don't have linoleum floors.

They got real totality.

Yeah.

You ever see that interview and the guy's like, they're like walking through his cell, which is a condo, and he goes, They treat us like animals here.

And I was like, what?

In Norway, he said that.

How dare he?

And they go on weekend passes?

Does he want them to keep working things out with their family?

Well, okay, of course.

You have to stick with the Puerto Ricans.

There's no Jewish crew that you could stick with.

You'd be surprised.

Really?

I mean, not many Jews go to prison, but there's a federal that is all, that's like the Jewish prison, and that's where Michael Cohen went, and they have kosher food.

Yeah, so green correctional, that's where the kosher kitchen was, and there was like a hundred Jews working in that kosher kitchen.

You were in federal or state?

State, and they would send...

Did they do the thing where they sanitize the kitchen with a flamethrower?

You ever see that?

The rabbi?

That's like a...

It's like this isn't kosher food.

No, it's like a

Hasidic thing or Orthodox thing.

But they'll go, there was a big issue in New Jersey because this nursing home burned down.

Like nine people died because the rabbi went into the kitchen with a flamethrower.

And they had already told him you can't do that anymore.

And I mean, there's videos of it.

It's the craziest thing.

Of him with a flamethrower.

It's a fucking rabbi.

They use a flamethrower and fucking just start flamethrowing in the kitchen.

My friend went to Orthodox yeshiva because he got all F's in high school.

And we all went to college.

And so he was like, yeah, I'm going to be just an ultra Orthodox rabbi.

I was like, bro, what are you doing?

Yeah, that's crazy.

And then so he called me one week.

He's like, Adam, how are you?

And I was like, why are you talking this way?

He changed his accent and everything.

And then I get a call like three months later.

He's like, yo, what's up, dude?

And I was like, what happened?

And he's like, dude, I got, I was getting too high.

I missed morning prayers like every day.

And I was so blazed that I put something in the microwave that was supposed to be three minutes.

And I put it in for 300 minutes.

Blow it up.

I set the rabbi school on fire.

Remember that story from like, so he got kicked out.

Remember that story from like eight months ago where Modest Yahoo was like, yeah, my show was canceled because of anti-Semitism, yeah.

And then you're like, oh, where was the show?

And it was at like the Clown Family Fun Center in like Phoenix.

Just like some like strip mall venue.

It's like, oh, I ain't going on a hard time.

I know.

Wait, wait.

Let's go back to the original question.

Well, not the rape, but like with the tattletaling.

Like, what if someone just.

If you were getting raped like that constantly, and I don't like it.

You should definitely tell somebody.

It's not nice.

And then they would put you in protective custody in PC okay so I'm aka Punk City so that's where all the the homos go pedos

but then I have to then the I have to hang out with pedophiles yep they have to pick your poison I can't get my chumps and then so I'm in the pedophile place yeah and I'm like these I don't these guys are also bullying me somehow I'm also getting bullied there no in protective custody you wouldn't you wouldn't interact with anybody you're almost being like the shoe like you'd go to yard by yourself you'd shower by yourself.

So they give you a bus.

But you'd live a horrible, horrible life.

Way worse.

Worse there.

Than rape.

Yeah, because, dude, I don't know.

So would you rather

give

yourself a chance to fight back from the rape?

Fight back.

Look at this.

Why is protective custody worse?

Because it's like you didn't get a chance to fight back for the rapes or the actual...

Like, it just sucks over there.

Like, that's a by design, that's a trade-off.

They're like somebody.

It's something about me saying this makes my spine tingle.

I just couldn't imagine myself getting raped every day.

Like ASMR?

Sorry.

I don't understand why everybody isn't like, oh, yeah, put me in protective custody right away.

Yeah, so this is because you like shower twice a week and you get like...

You only get to shower twice a week?

I shower twice a week anyway.

Or it could be this.

So they'll give you 30 minutes a day outside of your cell, and that's to use the phone, work out, and clean yourself.

So then you're locked in your room.

So when you use the phone, there's a fucking phone with a big spoon.

So they punished.

You roll it.

They punish you for being

a protective customer.

Okay.

That's so mean.

Because you're a headache on the

corrections.

But they give you the yard on your own.

Yeah.

You get no.

But the yard might be connected to the back of you.

No, you get no ball.

They don't give you a ball?

No.

Because if I get the yard myself,

hold on, hold on.

My yard might be connected to what?

So there might be a door at the back of your cell that just pops open into a cage outside.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

MMA?

What cage?

Smaller.

What goes on in the cage?

Nothing.

This is you walking around.

Oh, they just give you a small cage.

Yeah.

Okay.

Let's say, if they were like, you get the yard to yourself because you're such a, you're a loser bitch, right?

And you can't be with all these cool guys.

Can you, can a regular guy, like

I go to prison for some kind of financial crime.

Right.

Can I have a Kindle and can I have GameCube?

For financial crimes, yes.

Where you're better,

you're a cakewalk.

Kindle a GameCube.

I'm not afraid of anything.

I don't even want to cook steaks.

I'll eat whatever they have in the commissary.

It's fine.

Doritos?

I mean, that's literally what I eat every night, anyways.

I don't know.

Pretty allowed.

And then I kind of walk back the whole, only every three days.

I honestly cannot remember the last time I took a shower.

Yeah.

I've been brushing.

Can I get an electric toothbrush?

That's big for me because I got gum disease.

You could probably get the teeth.

The doctor started brushing his teeth at 34.

I got some pretty deep dental pockets.

I'm just saying, if they give me the yard to myself and a basketball.

You're not getting a basketball.

I'm getting my three up to like maybe 45%.

You know what I mean?

And

maybe I'm league.

Maybe I'm coming out of there.

You're going to play

for the Globetrotters?

No, in the National Basketball Association.

A white guy that can shoot?

Every team needs that.

That's what I'm saying.

You might get a ball.

It depends on facility.

Do they have Wi-Fi in there?

I don't.

I don't know.

Yeah, it's a good question.

Well, if so.

We live in...

These are...

It's what you think, because it's like...

That's the world we live in.

Right, sure.

So even being isolated, like, in terms of a cell, it's like now you have to think about digital isolation, which is a whole other aspect that's been introduced into people's psyches.

So if you throw somebody in jail and they can't be like, what's Kamala HQ tweeting right now?

So if they don't have access to Jen Saki's latest updates on

these crazy things that J.P.

That's what I like to call a hard time.

I might even have to kill one of the guards or take their gun and shoot up the entire prison unless I know, you know, what does Abby Phillip have to say about

those things.

I want to know, yeah, exactly, what the vice presidential debate is.

It would be very funny to be in prison for raping and murdering, like, let's say, 30 children.

And then you're sitting there and you're like, can you believe this Donald Trump thing?

He's an animal.

Can you believe that?

This guy, he cannot be president.

I mean, democracy is on the line this year.

He's just fucking...

Oh, yeah.

You just, yeah, you ran a school bus off the road and went in through the emergency emergency exit in the back and just bam, bam, bam, just hitting seat after seat.

And then you come out completely nude with your hands up, just waiting for the police to take you.

Sorry.

iPods are iPads are a thing now.

But I hate the iPad.

Nobody wants that.

It makes sense that that's what's in prison.

The next thing you're going to have is Apple Vision Pro.

What we need is iPhones and maybe a MacBook.

The iPad is for an infant.

It's for like an infantry.

It's for for a kid.

Shut up at the table.

Yeah, right, exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, you can order your food through there.

You can email with family.

I'm sure guys have figured out how to crack them and do all kinds of waiting.

Wait, wait, wait.

You're saying they fired all the waiters and now you order on the iPad?

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

They used to have waiters in prison.

Yeah.

One of my favorite things is when you're on a plane and you see like an Ursula style woman, like a 50-year-old, just like a big octopus woman.

Yeah,

spending like fucking $300, $400 a week on hair and makeup with bangles and like, you know, where they have claws, you know, one of those types of ladies.

Just a big bitch, like a big moon.

Maybe she has a rich husband, but he owns like car dealerships and he's red, and his penis is red.

Yeah.

You know, they're like awful people.

He's a parrot head.

And one of those people.

He loves it.

And they have the biggest iPad and then

they play like candy across.

Yeah.

That's my, dude, that's my parents.

parents.

Yeah, I'm like, this is a blast.

My mother has this huge iPad, and she's just

a guy our age sent me a text.

Sudoku is the funniest thing in the world.

Sudoku.

It takes three minutes to understand what the game is, and then it's like basically like playing tic-tac-toe with yourself.

It's harder than tic-tac-toe.

No, it's not.

I don't play Sudoku.

You got to be really fucking dumb to be challenged by Sudoku.

Sometimes on a plane, you know.

Okay.

What's that?

Halftime, you said?

No, add time.

Today's episode is brought to you by Mud Water,

which they have plenty of in North Carolina, where I will be in a week and a half at Charlotte.

100% of the ticket sales are going to the North Carolina Community

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I don't know.

The name sounds like fake, but very highly rated charity.

Please come out.

Nick,

have you used Mud Water?

Have you experienced it?

Oh, yeah.

And you could provide a personal endorsement, perhaps.

Yeah.

I like to drink my coffee in the bathroom.

Yeah.

And it's always kind of bothered me

because

it had the wrong consistency.

It felt like it was going through me too quickly.

And I switched over to, I mean, I tried all the different types of alternative.

And this one, let me tell you, this one was the best one.

Did they send us the product?

Do we have it?

It's in here here somewhere, yeah.

They want us to show it.

Pete brought it in.

One moment.

Sorry, guys.

You should get an intercom for Pete.

Yeah.

Like with the Charlie's Angels one.

With a little red light.

Yeah.

What was that dude's name that used to talk to them through the intercom?

Charlie.

Charlie.

It was Charlie.

Who was there?

The guy that helped them, though.

Is that a joke question?

Basil?

What was his name?

Bosley.

Bosley.

Bosley.

Yeah, Bill Murray.

It was Charles.

Bernie Matt.

Bernie Matt.

I thought it was Bill Murray.

I liked that one that came out in like 2000 with Lucy Lou and the...

Drew Barrymore.

Wow, how funny is it you don't remember the white ladies' names?

Yeah, Cameron.

Camera Diaz.

It wasn't Uma Therma.

No, she was in The Avengers.

Okay.

You remember that movie?

Yeah, that movie sucks.

Oh, yeah.

It was like they were

in Europe or some shit.

Yeah, they're British kind of stuff.

Okay, guys, this is.

We're going to show you this product.

This is what Mud Water is.

And Mudwater is Mud

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How about this?

You want to read what that is?

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Ooh, that's a lot.

Lion's mane.

You want me to read all these?

No, no, it's fine.

I don't know why I do that.

Okay, so guys,

this is something else that comes with it.

It's called the whip.

Okay.

Walks and hits parenting.

And it's easy to clean.

It goes at 4,000 RPM.

We got one of those from another sponsor.

A lot of these companies are sending these things here.

I would say you can just use a spoon, probably.

No, I think I would use the whip.

Do your hands need a break from all that spoon-wielding,

no, spoon-wielding?

That's the thing.

Yeah, mine do.

Mine don't.

Mine do.

Meet the mud whip.

Let's say this, guys.

Get the mud water, maybe pass on the whip.

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Take the whip

in the whip.

The whip comes in its own package, and it comes free with this, I'm assuming.

You can just put wrapping paper on it and give it to your aunt.

And then she has no idea what the mud water even is.

Oh my god, I have spoon arthritis.

Your aunt's going to use those 4,000 RPMs

a lot, if you know what I'm talking about.

And then it gets stuck in her hair and rips her scalp off.

Your aunt's going to get a chatter.

Oh, my God.

The natives were here.

You know that story.

I told you that story, right?

About scalping.

No.

She got her hair.

She got your grandma was scalped by fucking grandmother.

When she was in memory care, she said something very racist.

About Comanches scalping her?

No, she's about

another old lady in memory care.

Was it a black lady?

I don't remember if it was a black lady, but she just turned to me and she goes, the natives are here.

What a crazy way to kill somebody.

What, scalping?

Yeah, scalping.

Guys, here's the deal.

If you don't have...

Wait, sorry.

You could die right from scalping.

Just from the scalping.

Yeah, yeah, you bleed out.

Shocking shit.

Especially in like 1850 in the middle of like the woods.

Woods, yeah.

Yeah.

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I have a homosexual heart, folks.

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Mudwater is like.

I kind of hate jazz hands as a reference across the board.

Jazz hands?

Yeah.

Yeah.

When do you ever encounter them?

I don't know.

It was funny the first time.

I never hang out with Bob Foster.

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You get a free frother.

You can use it.

I would keep it.

Nick would give it to his aunt.

The frother, not the mud water.

I'd keep that for myself.

The mud water is for me.

The frother is for my aunt.

I'll tell you I got a frother with...

I got one of those curry.

First, I'll never buy another curric again.

Yeah, they stick.

I got one that came.

They keep trying to be nicer than they are.

It should just say shitty coffee.

Yeah,

here's a quick way to make shitty coffee.

Yeah, coffee.

With your Kurig.

Well, also the tubes get.

And I got one that was called the K Cafe, and it had a frother, and it just spins the milk for you.

That's it.

Yeah, so you can get, oh, it's spinny, but it's like, this is not even close.

Or where they have like an espresso setting, it's like,

I'm going to kill somebody.

The K Cafe?

The K Cafe.

I just do instant coffee, Bustello.

Yeah.

That's it.

You know what's actually good is

the Bustello Espresso Grounds in an Arrow Press.

Yes.

It makes surprisingly good coffee.

It's a a good, strong coffee.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Am I asking too many questions about

do you talk to like kids' groups about this kind of stuff?

I have before.

Do you scare them straight?

No, they were like worse than I was.

You don't like

pull out your pocket and say, hold this, and now you're my girlfriend?

No, bro.

I would talk to kids from like fucking East New York.

I'd be terrified.

If you're like, don't go to prison, they're like, we don't have grocery stores.

It's a fucking desert.

I I live in a free desert.

Why would we not go to prison?

That's so crazy.

Everything you're saying about prison sounds better than better.

You telling me I can have breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Right.

See,

so you brag to these kids, basically.

Basically.

But the kids are mean to you?

And then, dude, it's not even that they're mean.

It's hard to get through.

Like, I actually

sat on a panel.

It was me, like the first Puerto Rican guy to ever have.

Also, it doesn't work when anybody does.

People have to live their own lives and make their own decisions.

I don't think any of those programs have ever stopped.

Has Dare ever done anything other than tell kids,

okay, when you smoke weed in five years,

this is we just got to buy it.

They also, I remember, Dare told us, like, how to do it.

Yeah, right.

They're like, Yeah, you could, like, twist up, you could take the blunt cuts out.

You'll go to buy this pipe, get a Corona Dutch master.

Yeah, you get a cool shirt and some stickers.

The shirt is cool.

Maybe something on sometimes a Nutra Grain bar.

I sat on a panel with Eric Adams while he was running for mayor, a gun violence.

Oh, let's talk about that.

So.

First of all, best.

And you know who else was there?

Best mayor of our lifetime.

Let's just go on the record.

Nick Cannon was also on the panel.

This was the weirdest thing that I've ever been involved in.

So my brother got shot like five years ago.

And the woman who was running the panel was like, Derek, I want you to come tell your story to these kids about your brother getting shot.

And

I walk in and Eric Adams is there and Nick Cannon.

I was like, what the fuck?

Why would you talk about your brother getting shot on Wild and Out?

So

were you on MTV?

I battle rats fucking Eric Adams.

All this trying to one-up each other with

what did he do, by the way?

Who?

Eric Adams.

He was copped for 30 years.

No, no, I mean, like, the crime.

He got like free business-class upgrades.

From Turkey, it was like it wasn't even actual money.

It's things that you don't even know what the value is.

Well, especially with airlines, because it's like you pay these prices that are, it's like, I don't, what is this paying for?

Jet fuel?

I have no fucking idea.

It seems there's four companies, so it seems like

likely we're all getting fucked, right?

Like, that's my understanding of how it is when a handful of companies control things, they can charge whatever they want.

And then, when you do get, you look at the business class prices, it it all seems arbitrary anyways.

If I got offered a free upgrade by the government of Turkey, I'd be like, yeah, sure.

Absolutely.

Because fundamentally, it's worthless.

Yeah, what's the point of it?

Either I get it or some fat idiot gets it.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, with Bengals on.

Didn't we have one governor that was, he bought prostitutes?

Yeah, Spitzer.

Also another great governor.

Yeah, and the state troopers brought

them to

him, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I think if you get...

No, he was never the governor.

He was the attorney general.

He he's running for governor he was running for governor elliot spitzer spitzer yeah yeah elliot hawk too and they took him down because he went after wall street yeah and then also that what was that the the trooper gate thing i feel like they're taking adams down troopergate

i thought kind of right the migrant stuff that's what i he said yeah yeah

i like that he did the like the black guy like getting into there has to be more to it than the business class upgrades because that's what i saw and that seems fucking absurd well i was listening to his lawyer the other day and he's like, I feel he, the way he was explaining is once we get through all this red tape, you're going to see that it really wasn't that much money and it's not a big deal.

Yeah.

That's what his lawyer was.

Because Bob Menendez, first of all, all politicians are for sale.

We know that.

That's just the way it works.

That's not an insightful statement.

It's just what the case is.

Bob Menendez got in trouble because he was accepting things like gold bricks.

It was retarded.

I mean, it was like just done.

Like he was meeting with an Egyptian

Wario at fucking McDonald's.

It was handing him like suitcases with gold in it.

Yeah, I mean, it's, yeah, it's like dollar signs and a burlap sack.

In South Africa,

our last president was buying like wild animals with taxpayer money.

Trump.

Jacob Zuma was like, no, it's like, you know, in South Africa, he was like, in good fellows.

He was like buying hippos.

In Goodfellas, when the guy shows up with the fur jacket,

he's like, dude, take the jacket off.

Make it hard.

Hey, whoa.

You know,

that's all when somebody gets in trouble, it's like for that.

Right.

And, but the Eric Adams saying, if it is, again, just business class ethics.

There's always a politics like takedown.

Yeah, but, you know, it's just stuff.

But I love that.

But why take him down for like the thing that's,

you know, it's like,

is he squeaky clean?

Otherwise, that's the thing you can get him on.

He was a cop for 30 years.

And he never

president.

And he never did anything wrong.

He had to.

No, I don't think he ever ever did anything wrong.

He's the best man.

He brought Swagger back to our city.

Sitting with him for two hours, he was batshit crazy.

I'm sure he is.

And so is Nick Cannon out of his fucking mind.

When Adams did the press conference after he got in trouble, he did,

I love that he did the classic black guy getting in trouble thing where he does a press conference and it's all guys in Koofis and Daishikis standing next to him.

I didn't see that.

It was pretty awesome.

There was a guy that looked like Dick Gregory that had a Koofi on standing next to him.

And he was like, he was like,

he's like, I have the support.

It's like

when

Michael Jackson had his second trial, and then he just had Nation of Islam guys.

You see that guy, Mark Lawler's in trouble for.

Who's that?

He's a congressman from New York.

I think he represents like

fucking like Putnam County or something.

But there's pictures of him as Michael Jackson on Halloween in 2006.

Which they all get in trouble for Michael Jackson in particular.

I mean, dude, he can argue.

Which is it like black hair Michael Jackson or was it?

No, he did blackface Michael Jackson.

But Michael Jackson was

thriller Michael Jackson?

Yeah, like dark.

He used like bronzer.

Jackson V Michael Jackson.

He can't get by that on that one.

Yeah.

And then he had to go on the news and be like, it was a tribute to an artist that I was touched by and inspired by and who I loved, whose music brought so much joy.

He is the best.

He's the best.

Of course he is.

He is.

Wait, so you were on this panel.

The answer should just be, you're like, it was 2006.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, I would get in trouble for this 20 years.

Yeah, show me any public statement from, if you're, if you're on the news, show me, if you're interviewing me and you're a journalist, show me a public statement from you saying we need gay marriage in 2006.

If you don't have that, shut up.

You know, exactly.

Yeah.

And show me a public statement from you in 2006 saying you can't be Michael Jackson for Halloween.

Exactly.

That just was not.

We need to become political consultants and say whatever the fuck this is.

Right.

We like really, Eric Adams, this guy, these defenses are so simple.

I loved when Cuomo got in trouble and his defense for like

was that, yeah, we like to hug and kiss because we're Italian.

Yeah.

Of course,

I'm an oily wop.

I love to smell and hug.

I'm a baseball.

I'm a good person.

I like to sexually harass.

Of course, I'm a fucking gross dago.

It's my culture.

Do you think he's in his basement right now doing like fake COVID updates, like Rupert Pupkin to nobody?

Yeah.

He's got a fake background, like a fake skyline of New York.

The numbers are coming down,

and we're doing the best that we can.

And we thank everybody.

He's just rubbing his nose.

But there's a lot more work to do.

Yeah, he's in a gimp costume.

Yeah, he's got his protruding nipples.

Yeah, they're just cut out of his shirt.

His large shit.

Ma, just put my spaghetti in the oven.

I'll come up later.

I'm doing my COVID broadcast.

Shut up, you fucking bitch.

Dude, I just knew when all that was happening that I was like, he's become like a rock star now, and it's just a matter of time before they...

they fuck him in the ass.

Oh, Cuomo?

Yeah, I knew.

Yeah, and then they got the brother, too.

Yeah.

Politics is very funny, and there's these people that, like, they become beloved for, like, a hot second.

They have no idea what's down.

because unless you can like translate that to power and then more power immediately, it's like then the rest of these vultures are gonna figure out a way to destroy you.

Well, the truth is, is it's remember how much people liked Beto O'Rourke?

Who's that?

He's like

he's a Texas guy that ran for president, like a Democrat from Texas.

Yeah, oh no, I never heard of him, and he likes to skateboard it.

And it was right after, I remember there was like some kind of focus group or something, but it was like

what's that

like a DNC consultant, Tom,

fuck, I'm I'm struggling to remember his name now, the Hispanic guy, Tom, uh

doesn't matter.

But he there was like information that there was a focus group that says that people respond well to swear words because it it it it uh

conveys authenticity.

And then it was like that week it was like a bunch of like prominent Democrat media consultants like

trying out cursing.

You know what they mean?

They were like, this election,

it's important as fuck.

You know, like it was very clear.

That was the funny thing.

This shit is going to be lit.

But yeah, Beto said fuck or something.

That was his big moment.

He was riding on a skateboard.

He kick-flipped into a place, and he said, These fucking school shootings have to stop.

And his name was like Robert, too.

Yeah.

Yeah, he went by Beto to seem more like Latino, Texas.

But yeah, his name was Robert or O'Reilly.

Was he like half Spanish or something?

No, I don't think he was at all.

Yeah, he was Irish.

He was like, yeah.

De Blasio, he was.

Yeah, his real name is like fucking Adolf Hitler.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like some German.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what it is.

Herman Goering.

Some shit like that, yeah.

So you were on this dais at the Friars Club Roast with Nick Cannon.

You got the mayor now.

When he's Brooklyn Borough president, though.

At the time, he's Brooklyn Borough president running for mayor, yeah.

And then a bunch of little criminal kids.

A bunch of kids who who had generational gun violence trauma.

That's what they it's crazy they expected him to fly economy.

I'm in business class.

I'm in business class.

After dealing with that?

Imagine the fucking the borough president having to pass me on the way to economy.

It's embarrassing.

And I'm in business class.

Yeah.

Trying to plug in my GameCube.

It's embarrassing.

Yeah.

It was right around the time Ncan got in trouble for all the anti-Semitism.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So it was.

I don't remember that.

Yeah, it was wild.

Yeah, he did it.

And he came in turban and all.

Yeah, he did anti-Semitism.

And then who was the Jew?

They got someone hilarious to teach him that Jews are okay.

I don't know if it was like Ben Shapiro.

It was like something.

That sounds right.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But no, no, but it was like one of the people.

It was a rabbi that wasn't.

Oh, yeah.

Rabbi Schmoo Suley.

Yeah, yeah.

They got Rabbi Shmueli.

And then what's he like?

He's like the Zionist, like Casey Nee stat, basically.

Rabbi Shmueli is like the GoPro Vision.

Is he a Reformed Jew?

No, no, no, no.

He's Orthodox Jew,

but he does TV and stuff.

Yeah.

He's like the Neil deGrasse Tyson.

He's like, you know, like, he's not actually doing rabbi stuff.

He's just more on TV talking about rabbi stuff.

The one thing I could tell you about that panel was Nick Cannon.

I wish it in my guts.

I wish we maintained a friendship with him.

Dude, I'll show you guys a picture after this.

Neil deGrasse Tyson.

His life is awesome.

No, no, no.

He's no friend of ours.

Why?

Why?

You guys had him on, didn't you?

Yeah, he was a nice guy.

Adam doesn't like him now for some reason.

Why don't you like him?

Because

he made that race essentialist argument that was weird.

What?

Are you talking about?

He made that weird.

This joke is taking way too long to get it.

It's not a joke.

I'm not doing a joke.

He was doing that weird thing that was supposed to be pro-trans, and then by the end of it, it seemed like he was just like,

and I succeeded

despite my blackness.

Like, it got like,

logically, it didn't flow at all.

So, you're not, you don't like the guy anymore?

I don't respect him.

He just sits around making like fucking vinegar and baking soda volcanoes, and he gets to live in the museum for free.

I respect that.

But whenever he talks about stuff that isn't science, and you listen to me,

that was the dumbest shit you got to do.

That was the coolest part about meeting him.

I was like, so how did you, I'm like, I'm like, I was aware of you since I was a child, right?

And it's like, but I don't know actually, I I didn't google you at all but prior to you coming here to do our show you know so it's like what like how did you get into being like a talking head and he was just a student in Columbia and he like had a good voice and so they brought him on like one TV thing and he was charismatic and good at it and so then his career went from there it wasn't like he was like some genius astrophysicist or whatever like you know he was smart but he never like well sure but I mean it wasn't he's not a field like he was a guy who published paper it wasn't like he was a guy in the field that was doing this groundbreaking research and then he became, he's just a good, what they call a science communicator.

He talks that shit.

Which is like,

which going for that, going to be a science communicator is like one of the...

What's it called?

It's like risk versus reward.

Because either there's two slots ever.

Yeah, there's Carl Smith.

One of them goes to the greatest scientist.

The other one goes to the guy that's the most charismatic.

And then everyone else ends up like farming for Reddit Karma.

You know what I mean?

Like Dog Drama.

He was charismatic.

The rest of them are on the Star Trek subreddit being like,

here's a fun thing about how the hyperdrive would actually work.

You know, and you're just like, your body is cheese, and you're just fucking.

There is nothing, what he does.

If you don't make it to that echelon, you are trash.

But it's only a lot of people.

It's much worse than

guys that failed being professional athletes.

Like if you're just working in some lab and nobody knows who you are?

Well, no, because you don't end up there.

If you aspire to be a science communicator, you probably end up working at Radio Shack

if you don't get to live in the Natural History Museum and come do the Adam Friedland show where you offend Adam with your

essentialist arguments

about trans people.

But I realized, no, but okay, what I realized was this, right?

Was that what he does in his job makes people feel great, right?

When they see him on TV and listen to the things he says, like in a very, like, like a, or when someone shares a meme,

He makes you feel like a kid.

It has nothing to do with science.

No, it makes you engage with the world earnestly.

It makes people wonder.

There's absolutely nothing but a positive impact he has on the world.

But

when he popped off about anything that wasn't science,

he hasn't realized that he only knows science.

And then when he talks about like social shit or like anything else.

So you're accusing him of podcasting.

Correct.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, no, but

no, no, no, no.

What I'm saying is this.

You're accusing him of doing.

He is no smarter than us.

He is no smarter than us.

Yeah.

What I'm saying is this.

Nothing that he's bringing to the table we haven't brought to the table already.

You guys are fucking too smart for me, man.

I can't keep.

Thank you.

We're just as smart as Neil de Grasse.

We're just as smart as Neil deGrasse.

What the hell is the natural history museum?

You mean prison?

No, honestly.

That's what they should call it.

That's what they should call prison.

Honestly, can I tell you something?

Can I tell you something?

Because of your time.

Nick, Nick, where are you going?

I hope he had the pig.

I'll say this to you, and I mean this as a compliment.

Because of your time on the inside, what that gave you was street smarts.

Yeah.

Street smarts that I will never have.

Right.

And when I see you, I see

Professor Emeritus of

the smarts of the block and and the streets.

Wait,

how long did you have to go for?

I was in and out for years.

So altogether it was like...

It was just drunk tank, or was it like...

No, no, no.

I've been arrested like over 30 times.

30 times?

Wow, you're a rambling man.

Yeah, yeah.

But it was mostly thefts and drugs.

What's the longest time you served?

About two years.

That's so long.

I went in and out.

I do a year, come back out, do a year.

But two years, just whenever someone's like, oh, they got off light, they got two years.

I'm like, I imagine just being there for two years as like, that's just so long.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, like, what was I doing fucking two years ago?

There's so many things that have happened in my life in the last two years.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Now some broad might become president.

Dude,

it lasts two years.

Bro,

I was like on drugs bad while Obama was president.

So it was just.

And then I got clean and Trump was president.

And then you got dirty again?

No, I stayed clean, but I was just like, this is crazy.

Like, if it's just weird that, you know, I was

high the whole time we got our first black.

Actually, where didn't it go?

Oh, you were high, though.

That's what you're talking about.

Yeah.

I was ripped the whole time.

So you missed it.

I missed Obama.

You missed it?

Yeah.

You know what I missed?

I missed the Floyd protests.

Where were you?

My mom died the day after Floyd.

And I remember the day before she died,

just the biggest smile on your face?

Yeah, he says it.

If you had to miss something.

I didn't miss it on purpose.

Okay.

My mom.

So the day before she died,

like, I went on Instagram and then like LeBron like everyone's sharing this video of this guy's getting his head kneeled on right and then I was like oh that's weird I thought this is the app where you look at pictures of your girlfriend's friends right public profiles on their public profiles okay public profile then

these are great girls okay no but um for real so you met you you so you you did this video came out and then my mom died you sat shiva and i didn't look at my phone i was like i'm gonna be with my family sat shiva was it 10 days yeah yeah and and then i'm on a plane back to new york i open up twitter and you're like what the first thing i see is uh nancy pelosi doing this in the cafe

and i was like what yes

what did i miss that's how i felt so you you missed you did that because you were on opioids during obama right yeah i lost the love of my life

You had the love of your life.

Opiates.

No, but it was like, that was like jarring.

I was like, what the fuck is going on right now?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then everyone was like doing the black square.

I missed the black square.

Yeah.

Everyone was like, these are the resources for George Floyd.

And then they were like, it turns out the resources were wrong.

We got them wrong.

An Indian guy now has $500,000.

COVID happened.

Well, COVID was before that.

That was like three months into COVID.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, Floyd was actually kind of the first way that you could leave your house and still be a good person.

Yeah, yep, yep, yep.

Yeah.

Yeah, people were out there.

Did you protest?

Well, I kind of, it was 10 days into Floyd.

I was like, I kind of missed.

I went there.

I would have.

My mom died.

Trust me.

My mom died.

They were playing Pop Smoke.

It looked fun.

I don't know who Pop Smoke is.

That was all for Zoomers.

I didn't feel welcome.

Pop Smoke was great.

I did not feel welcome.

He was supposed to be the next 50, and then he died.

There's all of these children.

He was acting like adults.

On his Instagram story, there was like a corner of a piece of mail in his house, and then they saw it and they went and killed him.

They meant to go rob him at gunpoint and then accidentally killed him.

And he was the next 50.

He sounded exactly like 50.

I feel like they killed him on purpose.

Who did?

The Jews?

The Puerto Rican Jews.

Chinese.

Because it happened during COVID.

Pop, good.

Right?

Didn't he die?

That was a year before, I think.

I think

this is how much I pay attention.

I have no, my timelines are I did dude I did know a guy whose New Year's resolution was to stop saying the n-word white guy who was like really into when I got

it's like December 3rd and you're like that's gonna be my New Year's resolution

but until then

after I got to white guy was

27 days what kind of white guy was he he's not not in a hateful way in a like song lyric kind of and also kind of like what's up my where is he from New York He's from the city?

Yeah.

So he grew up saying it.

Just, but like, he knew it was bad.

Would he say it in front of black people?

I don't.

Think so.

I don't think so.

Jewish kid?

Maybe.

I mean, it's New York, probably a little.

But no, no, but it was like, I shouldn't say this.

It's not right.

And then when I got back, he was like, so into the protest.

And I was like, it was very funny because I was like, you know who does it?

Because I moved here and I thought like, oh, every racial group does it.

Because you'd see kids, you'll see Chinese kids.

Korean kids do it a lot.

Yeah.

Well, I lived in a Chinese family and the Chinese boy would say it.

And he was like a computer nerd.

Yeah.

He wasn't even like a cool.

He'd be sitting there playing like a kitten version of Warcraft.

And he'd be on there and then he would like sing.

He would sing pop songs and be like, oh, great job, boop.

You know, and then he'd drop it.

And it was insane.

Yeah.

I used to say it, but only in my neighborhood.

The Arabs don't.

They don't say it.

They don't.

They They do.

Well, I don't say it.

100% they say it.

Yemenis say it.

And yeah, the Arabs definitely do say it.

Well, maybe not the ones I know, but it's very weird that they don't because people are calling them that.

Yeah.

You'll see the other guy be like, you know, what do you mean you don't have any more bagels?

You know, and he's like, I'm Saudi, they just didn't know that we don't have them.

I think it's all in the videos.

I think it's a generational

store.

I think their chips definitely say it.

Because, like, yeah,

the deli on my block is run by Yemenis, and they all, they love, they can't get enough of it.

I like how a lot of them, too, have the Yemen car.

Have you seen that?

It's got the whole flag of Yemen all over the car.

Oh, they're being like Puerto Ricans now.

Yeah, yeah.

They're like the new.

Have you been to the parade?

The Puerto Rican Day parade?

No, I never went because when I was young, there was all those rapes at that one.

Yeah, it was the rapes.

It was like that.

It was scary.

Yeah.

So I've always stayed away.

Really?

That was the Jewish side of you that kept you away.

Yeah, I don't want to be involved.

Really?

Not a mass rape.

I didn't know that happened, though.

I thought the Caribbean one was the one that happened.

There were some rapes at that one, too.

I think it was only six, though.

But this one was.

There were shootings more than anything at the Caribbean date.

Yeah.

But yeah, there was a, I forget what year it was, but there was a ton of sexual misconduct.

So

I haven't.

I wouldn't really want to.

It's in the Bronx, I think.

I thought it's in

uptown.

Might be in Harlem.

Harlem, yeah.

Yeah.

Do you remember the episode of the Sopranos when AJ, the final season, where he was dating Blanca?

Pete, where were we at?

Did we do the set?

Yeah,

she was Dominican, right?

I think she was Puerto Rican, but he then, yeah, AJ has like the flags and stuff.

Yes, I remember she wasn't Puerto Rican.

He gets dumped.

He has all the Puerto Rico stuff on him.

Yeah.

Yeah, she jumped in.

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I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

No, it's fine.

It's wrong.

It's just a part of my experience.

So you're getting back into your Judaism?

No.

Was it October 7th that did it?

I stopped.

I stopped being into Judaism when the pandemic happened.

Have you seen people online being like, man, October 7th is coming up?

I hope there's not October 6th.

I hope there's not a terrorist attack on that.

Oh, January 6th.

That's true.

January 6th.

That's what it was.

But it's like,

you know, they're presenting it as like, you know what, Mike?

Because, you know, it's October 7th.

Did people have 9-11 to 20?

What happened last year?

Yeah.

You know, it's like, I don't really think that's how time or.

Were people thinking that on the one-year anniversary or 9-11?

And trust me, I'm saying that confidently in the hopes that another October 7th does happen.

because I know I often I'm made to look stupid by world events whenever I try to prognosticate or anything along those lines.

So I'm going to confidently say nothing's going to happen, right?

It sounds like

there's egg on my face.

It sounds like you know something.

We're ready for it this time around.

Oh, I didn't even tell you the craziest thing that fucking happened.

Speaking of me knowing about something.

What?

I don't even really know if I want to say it.

I never talked to anybody on the plane, you know, when I fly, but I was on the flight from Boston to D.C.

And

it was like the first time ever.

This guy sits down, nice guy, you know, shakes my hand.

And, you know, I'm like, okay, you know, I'm like shy.

So, you know, I start talking to me, ask me about what I do.

You know, I say I'm a comic.

And start talking about comedy.

He actually knows a comic who I knew in D.C., knows his wife.

And very friendly guy.

We have a friendly conversation the whole time.

And I'm like, wow, that was nice.

Even after we leave the plane, you know, he's like headed off and we shake hands and stuff.

And I don't want to give too much of his personal information because he was a very nice guy.

But he told me his full name, right?

So just by chance, because he told me a little about what he did.

He said he was in the military at one point.

You looked him up.

I looked him up.

Senior interrogator at Guantanamo Bay.

Get the fuck out of here.

I know.

How crazy is that, right?

And then it, like, it was.

So, dude,

it really.

What's that?

He made you bring your walls down because that's his specialty.

I don't think so.

I think he was just a friendly guy.

It's not like there's any information you can get out of me other than like, here's what I think about how trivial pursuit has changed over the last 20 years.

I mean, that was like the substance of the conversation.

But you think he goes into like the in Guantanamo Bay?

He's like, hey, man.

I'm also not the guy you would need to.

Like, I just say everything.

And that's my problem:

I just be saying stuff.

Right.

You know, so like, that's why.

I'm not like.

The FBI.

You don't talk much.

The FBI could just call me and be like, hey, do you support this?

This has happened, literally, where the FBI has come to me and said,

do you support ISIS?

Yeah.

The FBI called you?

They came to my fucking apartment and they like questioned me

and I was like no dude.

I don't know

Like no, I don't know what you're doing.

They came twice to my apartment and then they came again.

Yeah, when did this happen like 10 years ago?

Dude.

So yeah, no, you wouldn't.

Were you scared at all or I was more just interested?

I mean it was like

I mean it's so absurd, you know

that's crazy.

Yeah.

Was it because of like stuff you were putting in like vlogs and shit?

No, no.

I mean, literally, I mean, I think people listen to the show know the story already, but but basically, I went to

I went to go see my grandma before she died, and then my uncle was dropping me off.

This was in Philly.

My uncle's dropping me off at the bus to go back to New York.

And we're in the car, and it was when like ISIS was new.

Right.

And so he's asking about it, and he's like, you know, like, where do these guys come from or whatever?

And then I kind of explained, like, oh, you know, well, Iraq became this sort of vacuum, and you have these different groups.

And it's like, literally stuff I've just read in the New York York Times.

I mean it's not any kind of in-depth

reported you're like how do you know all this stuff and I'm like it's in the you I like read the news I mean not even like in-depth it's the front page you know what I mean he thought you were like a sleeper and then yeah what and then there was just one thing because he was like he was like he was like I saw Nick so fucking he was like he was like out of nowhere you just find like fucking like a million psychopaths that'll just fucking they want to destroy freedom or whatever and I'm like well I don't think they're not psychopaths because it's like,

like, it's not mentally ill people.

So I thought you were a sympathizer.

Well, it's not even a way.

I didn't even say anything sympathetic.

I just said it's like, no, it's like, it's, it's the problem with like any group of young men is like they're angry and violent and they're looking for a way to sublimate that that aggression.

Yeah.

And if you're like an upper middle class person, you can do it by

yeah, getting into a drunk driving accident and killing your girlfriend and then your senator or uncle covers it up for you.

You know what I mean?

But if you're like if you're an Arab guy in fucking Britain, you know, and it's like you're really into drill music or whatever, and you can go cut somebody's head off, it's like

Toyota highlights.

Yeah, why the fuck not?

I mean, it's like, you know, why not go do that?

And then there's some marginal justification for it.

And it's like, unfortunately, that's just like,

because even now as a grown man with extremely low testosterone levels, I'm like, yeah, that would be cool.

You know what I mean?

You can't deny that.

So you said that to your uncle, and then all of a sudden it was like...

I didn't say it to that extent.

I just said you can't call, call it's not crazy people that's like a dumb way to look at it it's like you know it's just yeah it's the same reason people join gangs it's like you wouldn't think gang members are crazy it's just you need just a little bit to get people to be like look my circumstances are shitty and here's a way I can fucking do something that'll like anger and insecurity yeah right you know that's all it is and then he's like he's like what she's saying they're like the same as like the troops or something I'm like well I'm not saying I'm not making a moral equivalency.

He's like, nah, then I was at the bus stop.

She's like, yeah, I don't like you're saying, get out of my car.

I didn't think twice about it because he's like you know he's kind of a goofy guy so he says stuff and then yeah like a week later the fucking FBI is coming and asking me questions and then he'd like lie he played dumb when I you know next time I saw him and they came twice they came twice yeah but then

the FBI agents they had they had like very distinct I mean clearly this guy was from Pennsylvania right you know and he got the Philly FBI code yeah right and so I was like okay he's like are you that bold Nick Mullen was he talking to you like that no yeah no he asked me about my Twitter account he's like just to verify you're an extremely online guy.

I was like, yeah.

Nick, how do I explain what they're like?

That's you in the picture with like the Looney Toons hat on.

It's like, I think my profile picture at the time, I'd gone into the dressing room at Kmart and put on the dumbest clothes they had there.

And I took a picture of myself.

But it's like, I mean, these people just had to drive two hours to talk to like a fucking idiot.

Yeah.

And then I'm like, initially

for the government.

I had no idea.

And yeah, at the same time, I also own the domain name childporn.sexly.

And it was like a website that I was doing.

It is his finest word.

It was a website I set up where it's like this middle-aged man named Doug who just has a model train website, and that was the only domain he could afford.

And he's like, please stop calling the police on him.

Please leave him alone.

It's just about model trains.

If you're at the website for any other reason, we don't have anything like that.

So please just.

This is about model trains.

He said it was my neighbors and my neighbors.

My neighbor had to go to Thailand.

He had to go to Thailand on business and gave me this website so that I can use it for.

And I don't know how to set up a website, so please stop.

Anyways, if you're here for trains, you're in the right place.

And so I thought maybe it had something to do with that or whatever.

So I'm like,

what could these guys possibly want?

But then they started, they told me, you know, they were like joint terrorism task force guys.

And I'm like, is somebody going to kill me or something?

And they were like, no, they're really vague.

They're like, yeah, like,

you know, like, we're conducting an investigation.

investigation and like you know like it's like one of your facebook friends you know like

it might be involved in something or they might be in danger and so we just want to know if you saw anything that may have like piqued your interest and i'm like

i don't know i mean i saw a picture of a pig with poop on its nuts the other day that was pretty funny you know that picture yeah no pig shit it's a pig it's got giant nuts and it took a dump on its nuts and then i ended up emailing the picture

i was like i was he was like if you think of anything here's my information and i was like this is the picture i saw what i thought of

it's truly one of the funniest

he didn't respond to it but you know and it's oh that's hilarious that's on file wait did you ever confront your uncle were you ever like what the fuck no because i saw him at the funeral and i was like explaining to him it's a perfect time to bring that up well because he came he came up to me he's like he's like he's still saying weird stuff on us got the fbi calling people he's led off with that i'm like no they talked to you?

He was like, yeah.

And then he tells me the agent's name.

And then they didn't talk to anybody else in my family.

I'm like, why the fuck is the FBI calling you about this?

And then my dad was there.

And I'm like, did you hear this?

John said the FBI called him.

And then my dad gets mad at my uncle.

And he's like, why did you tell him that?

Now he's not going to shut up about it.

I got like annoyed that

John told me because he's like, now he's just going to now all we're going to hear about is this FBI shit for the rest of the, you know, and so I was trying to figure it out and I couldn't figure it out.

And then I have like nieces, like, I I guess they're my cousins' kids that are like maybe a year younger than me.

We also live in this city, so we were all taking the bus back up.

And, you know, we talked for a while.

And then before we got on the bus, they were like, yeah, so what's this stuff where you're like a jihad a sympathizer?

I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

Is you talking about John talking about this FBI thing?

And they're like, what FBI thing?

And I'm like, what are you talking about?

And then I guess it's like, you know, they were like, I don't know.

John said that you were saying like ISIS was good and that you support them.

And then they told my grandparents and like they were like they asked us they're like do you think he was kidding or something and I'm like

no yeah so it was like they asked your grandma my not my grandma it's my uncle but it's their grandparents oh their grandparents yeah I don't know I mean but yeah it was definitely him um yeah he ratted

I know but you do that to family you don't snitch bro yeah but I like you like

I was never particularly mad because it's like he thought he was doing the right thing if it genuinely if there's no spite in it it's like this guy, this guy's deluded himself into thinking it's like, to me, it's like, yeah, but some things are more important.

He probably knew that.

He also got to send pig shit balls to the government.

Yeah, I know.

I'm just trying to imagine him calling like,

I think I have some information.

The FBI

said, fuck America.

Nice guys, too.

They send two guys.

And so the one guy asks the questions.

The other guy just kind of stares at you and like, you know, looks at how you respond.

Good cop, bad cop type shit.

Not even good cop, bad cop.

One of them just observes.

I don't know if he's like a trainer or something or whatever.

He's like at a restaurant?

I'm just training.

Yeah, yeah.

Basically, no, that's shadowing.

I'm shadowing today.

But same thing with this guy on the plane.

It was a really nice guy.

And then it was really jarring afterwards because...

Did you hear about this?

Yeah, yeah, I told him.

Yeah, that's great.

And I mean, the emotional arc of that day, starting off the day being very sad that Hassan Nasrallah was killed, you know, which they got the wrong Hassan, by the way.

I don't know.

Is that one of the pager?

Well, no, no, he thought that Hassan Piquer was killed.

We're just kidding.

We love Hassan.

Yeah.

Hassan Piker.

He's our hero.

He's one of our best heroes, basically.

But they should have killed him.

Anyways, yeah, they killed the head of Hezbollah.

Oh, okay.

But that doesn't seem good because it's like

things are just getting worse.

Maybe there could be a big regional conflict.

Yeah, a big regional conflict.

It creates this thing where, I mean, he was this very charismatic kind of figurehead.

And, you know, you just remove that from the equation.

It's never good.

It's like there's no, you know.

Now there's going to be like a real stone.

Yeah, and they still doing this.

They're still doing this bullshit where they're like, and now

Lebanese people are free to just have democracy.

And it's like, I don't think that's probably how it's going to go at all.

But anyway, so starting the day that way and then ending the day, like, or halfway through it, transitioning to like genuinely feeling kind of like sorry for

a Gwintanamo Bay interrogator, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, you felt why'd you feel sorry for him?

Well, he's again, I don't want to, you know, I mean, I had a private conversation

nothing really in particularly bad, but but he just seemed upset about the the state of affairs in the way that, you know, literally any kind of MSNBC liberal would.

Right.

You know, worrying about like, oh, but authoritarianism and there's xenophobes in the country.

Fascism.

Yeah, all of those things and why that was upsetting.

Because, you know, it's like, yeah, I believed him.

He seemed like genuinely upset.

And that sucks.

That sucks to know that, like, you know, you can laugh at these people, but that people are so worried about the things going on.

We're affected by what's happening.

Or the flip side, you know, all the MAGA people that are like, you know, genuinely like, you know, they're trying to kill him and then they're going to get me afterwards.

It's like, it sucks.

It sucks when people are

living with that level of anxiety.

Everyone's really stressed.

And then, you know, we both deal with it.

I don't know if your parents are still around, but like our dads are in the generation that, you know, you watch maybe your grandparents have Fox News did it to them, where they're terrified about illegal immigrants.

And now we have

our parents are terrified because they watch msnbc and this like my dad thinks vladimir putin's

yeah right exactly and and it's just like that's my mother thinks that trump and putin will like team together and like create some kind of empire it's just shitty

like people people in the sunset the jewish side right yeah the sunset years of their lives shouldn't have to worry about this fucking dumb stuff you know what i mean i don't know maybe maybe it's a survival mechanism maybe they need it to feel like they have to stick around to fight for well it's the show they're watching you know?

Yeah,

well, regardless.

Anyways, it's like, oh, that sucks.

But then it was really jarring afterwards because there's a movie called Missing.

I don't know if you've ever seen it.

It sounds familiar.

And yeah, it's a movie called Missing, and it's about,

it's like based on somewhat of a true story, but it's like during the Pinochet coup in Chile.

What?

Sorry, there's this couple.

Oh, the funny name.

Yeah,

yeah.

There were several Americans that were in Chile, and some of them ended up getting murdered by these like like the Revolutionary Army guys or whatever country was that Chile

and

And the Americans were murdered and then one of them this guy is his girlfriend was living or his wife was living there with him and he disappeared the night of the coup and then they couldn't find him and then she was asking for help from the State Department and the State Department was just basically bullshitting her and being like, oh, we're trying our best.

We're looking into it, but they're not doing anything.

And she gets frustrated.

Eventually, her husband's father, who is like a New York businessman, a conservative New York businessman who knows a senator, you know, like comes down to Chile.

And like the movie is the drama between her and him because she's like this hippie or whatever.

And he's a conservative.

And he's like, why don't you just trust it?

It's Russell Crowe?

No, no.

It's a much older.

It came out in like, I think, 1980.

It's Jack Lemon and Sissy Space.

Oh, yeah, I've seen it.

But he's just asking nicely.

Initially, because he's taken, but instead of karate, he's just like, please, can I, my son's shit?

Yeah,

Jack Lemon is like, you got to have faith in the State Department.

But increasingly, he realizes that Sissy SpaceX, right, they are just bullshitting him, and he can't find his son.

And he has to resign to the fact that his son was, in fact, murdered, and the State Department probably knew what was going on.

He was covering it up.

Just didn't care.

Yeah.

And I think there was, he did sue them or something.

But, you know, that's the movie.

But early in the movie, the son is still alive.

And he's going around with his photo journalist partner, I guess.

And they go to some resort somewhere in Chile.

Maybe it's where the coup was planned from.

And there's all of these like Navy guys.

There's like American military officials.

And then they're having breakfast at the hotel.

And they talk to this kind of like, you know, like, I don't know, I can't, I don't know which actor plays him, but he's like one of those like Texas, he's like, you know, Powers Booth style.

Yeah.

You know, kind of like this kind of creepy Texas guy that explains, yeah, you know, I'm retired naval intelligence and, you know, came down here for a job.

I think it went off without a hitch, you know, and the guy just exudes kind of like evil.

So they're like shooting, like side-eyeing each other and kind of like writing it down, nudging each other.

And the way this character is portrayed, it's like this is the dark cog in the machine.

This is what we all visualize when it's like fucking, you know, I mean, you know, people read about Alan Dulles and the CIA and all of these bad things and that they're very smart and evil people, but that's like a very like simple way of looking at it.

And the reality is, is most of these people are like, you know, cosplaying at Comic-Con.

Well, no, not cosplaying at Comic-Con necessarily, but they're boring people with like boring lives and the same interpersonal interpersonal relationship concerns that anybody else has, which that in and of itself is like a juvenile, like, obvious analysis of the situation.

But it just

seeing that up front and having the contrast with that scene and this one in my head, it's like,

yeah, it's like bad things happen in the world just like almost out of like, it's not because of any departure from what regular normal human nature is.

It's just like, this is bound to happen anyways.

So, a guy that should just be at Star Trek conventions is like hooking somebody up to a car battery, and they're like, waterboarding.

Yeah, it's like, I hope this is my job.

I hope I remember to call my sister for her birthday.

As soon as I get done with work, I got to go get stuff in the reality of E.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you have anything you want to plug?

Any projects you're working on?

No.

Podcasts.

You can listen to my podcast if you want.

It's called On the Gate.

It's with me and Gio Perez.

Two jailbird junkies turned jokesters.

What happened to the third guy?

Is he like skipped?

He went back to jail.

Oh, no, he allegedly shot somebody.

I mean, it's on video.

I mean, he definitely shot that guy.

Come on.

Yeah.

That happened.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, but he definitely a great guy.

Wherever he is, I hope he's doing well.

He was so funny.

He was the funniest out of the three of us.

Yeah.

He was a nice guy.

I talked to him three or four times.

But yeah, somebody told me he's like, they just didn't catch him.

I have not caught him yet.

Carlos, that's got to be cool.

Yeah, Leo the Jackal.

Yeah, that's cool.

Leo the hyena.

Anywhere we could see you on the road?

Is that cool or is it not cool?

What do you mean?

Like if you were on the run for something like that.

Would you find that to be exciting?

You need money to do that.

Even Paolo Escobar, he was like, yeah, living in these beautiful places, and he ran out of of money.

And then after he ran out of money, he died.

I want to get, like, I'm like,

because my mom's dad left because of the Holocaust.

He wouldn't be mad about that.

He's not going to shoot us now, is he?

No, I don't think he'd do that.

You're dead.

You're a dead man.

My mom's dad left.

What's the problem with that?

He's going to call me when I want to go.

He's not going to be like, I can't believe you said I shot that guy.

Come on, bro.

Well, you shot him.

I don't want to stick up for me there.

No, no, no.

No, my mom.

I didn't say the guy didn't deserve it.

i don't know what happened nick what do you

just saying

you're good okay all right don't shoot you saying that you're vouching i'm vouching for nick and you this is a voucher i can vouch for myself

you can't vouch for yourself yeah if someone has a hate out on you that guy was funny

that guy would call that is like one of those guys where he would like aggressively call me the n-word in conversation and he was very touchy too well grab your shoulder yeah well he he would say the N-word so much, and then he would say it to me, and then I would have to be like, right, right.

He'd have very intelligent conversations.

Well, it's a New York thing, is you just say the end.

It's a New York thing.

And now I've been here for 10 years.

So I got the Tim's, the fitted, and I saw a picture of you the other day, actually.

You had your fitted on like that.

Yeah, it was a New York.

It's a New York thing.

Yeah.

Shout out to Mayor Adams.

The captain, number two.

Number two.

Eric Adams.

How's Eric Adams?

How does Geo doing?

Gio's great.

He's a good guy.

Yeah, I like him.

I love Gio.

Yeah.

You can listen to us talk about prison and heroin for an hour a week if you want.

I saw a video of a guy talking about prison, and he referred to hiding contraband in his ass, and he said, I just had a gangster that shit.

But he referred to placing things in his bum as gangstering.

Yeah, I guess that's a good thing.

I thought that was a funny term.

Yeah, better than boofing.

I just had a gangster that shit.

I should have had a gangster through it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, I G'd up.

What I was saying about apropos of going on the run, like I feel like

men should have a non-gay hole somewhere on their body.

We should evolve that.

None of my holes are gay.

You know what?

If you had like a pussy like on your forearm or something

just to like protect you psychologically.

Then where if you're in prison and someone's like fucking your arm pussy, you're like, hey, get the hell out of here.

Knock it off.

You wake up with somebody.

Yeah, you're like, can you believe this?

I was in line for the phone.

Some guy starts my arm

you're like talking to your parents

the ass is mom my arm is getting right now

you know what i mean the ass is already too like

mom my arms getting

i have to go you know what i mean i get it israel's being mistreated in the media i understand can i go

My arm is being fucked by a Puerto Rican.

I wonder, can I talk about this real quick or do we got it?

Let me talk about it.

Go, go, go, go.

So I was going to Israel,

it was like six years ago.

To see Leo.

Is that where he is?

He's going to meet up with him.

Yes, on the Israel-Jordan border.

Well, they do.

There are a lot of pedophiles that they have.

He's out there just calling Jewish people.

Calling Israeli guys.

He's like, yo, this music is ass.

Nah, it's fucking, it's really cool.

Just one note over and over.

So they're listening to LMFAO.

Shit, music.

They have the worst taste.

I have cousins there that are like, have you heard Imagine Dragons?

Oh, yeah, they're behind.

Those are the guys doing the genocide.

They're not even behind.

It's like, that's the argument that it is.

It's not behind.

It's bad taste.

Yeah, for sure.

It's bad taste.

Well, the truth is, it's the same music that Palestinians listen to.

If they both realize that they both like LMFAO, maybe they could make

I'm sexy and I know it.

So

I thought I was going to have this big Jewish awakening when I went to Israel.

What the fuck do you have?

Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking, but I

have you ever been before?

Yeah.

Have you ever been?

So

like when you.

Yes, he has.

Yes, he has.

Plenty of times.

I feel like Nick would go and then give a class to like Palestinian kids.

Like you would go home.

No, he wouldn't.

No, I wouldn't go.

Comedy?

He'd teach you about the rule of the world.

It'd be funny to give a podcasting class to fucking Palestinian kids.

He's like, like, set up punch tags.

There was a guy.

There was a comedian in New York that tried to get me to go.

I remember that guy.

Yeah, dude, he was nuts.

There was this guy, this guy, Ari,

he would do comedy, but he was a guy that was always trying to do a million things.

He hated Nick.

Yeah, well, no, he was very nice to me initially.

Because he was like, he was always trying to, he was in like Kurt's circle, kind of.

And Kurt was like in my corner.

So he would like, you know, he put me on some shitty bar show one time.

I met the guy one time, but he would like share articles that I had written.

And then one time I wrote one article making fun of, I guess, some settlers murdered a 14-year-old American boy.

They like

them.

And I made an article making fun of like how the State Department would be like, you know,

not really, there's no accountability for that.

You know, it's like,

and he's like immediately sharing.

He's like, this guy's an anti-Semite.

He's tagging the comedy seller.

He's like, where's your article about how bad the Palestinians are?

And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

Like, you know, and I didn't even, I wasn't even like engaging in an argument with him.

But, you know, this guy's like, you know, tagging all this stuff.

And I was like, bro, just chill out.

And eventually he calmed down.

He was, but he wanted you to go to Israel with him?

After that, he was like, I'm putting on, you know, he's like, I think, you know, he's like, I'm bringing comics out there.

And he got a couple of them to go with, but I was like, ah, you know, I don't know.

My schedule is.

Yeah, he and Laura went on one of those trips.

For real?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What the fuck?

Wait, so what happened when you were there?

So, you know, when you fly El Al, like, you don't just get to like check in like through the kiosk.

You have to, go.

You get questions.

Yes, you get questions.

My son's dead.

Fuck.

Oh, thank you.

Did you gangster that?

I'm not going to get prison agent.

I'm cleaning.

Did you gangster that?

That'd be funny.

You got Rikers herpes.

Yeah, if you stuck this in in your ass, it's a talk show.

Can I get some of that?

Yeah,

you guys can share.

Did you make that in the toilet?

Yeah.

Toilet.

That's toilet vapor.

You got this at the commissary?

I'm trying to make toilet GameCube when I get a kid.

So you go up and talk to the agent, right?

And then

I've gotten questioned before.

So they, she's, you know, she goes,

you know, first time going to Israel.

I'm like, yeah.

She's like, why are you going?

I'm like, I'm going to go.

I had a cousin who was living in Israel.

I don't want to blow up a bus stop.

No, I'm just kidding.

I'm going there for prostitutes.

She goes, you speak Hebrew, right?

I go, no.

And she goes, but you could read it.

right and i go no and she goes but you understand it and i'm like if i can't speak it and I can't read it,

you know, what the fuck do you think?

And

you said that to the I didn't say what do you think, but I was like, if I can't speak it and I can't read it, you think I understand.

Oh, then you went real borrico.

Yeah.

And I go, I go, I speak more Yiddish than Hebrew.

Yeah, yeah.

And she goes, all right, talk to me in Yiddish.

I go, like, what do you want me to tell you to, like, kiss my ass in Yiddish?

I was like, that's.

And then she's like, what's your favorite prayer?

And what was my, I had, I did have a favorite prayer,

the Shema, right and she goes she goes say it right now.

I'm like there's like 200 people behind me.

I'm not gonna say the Shema right now.

I fuck with Shema heavy and I love it.

Yeah, yeah.

Whenever I'm in trouble, I still and then she goes,

do you know, is there, do you know anybody else in the Middle East?

So you were just going by yourself?

I'm just going by myself.

Oh, okay.

She goes, do you know anybody else in the Middle East?

And you were like, look, I don't know.

Muhammad Atta.

And

I go,

my buddy, he's Palestinian.

He has family over there.

Well, the worst answer.

I was like, I didn't know.

I was like, I might go see him.

Yes, or Arab.

And she goes, she like completely, she's just like, she's like, where do they live in Palestine?

And, you know, I think, I was like, I think Area B.

Like, that's right.

So she's like, okay, stay here.

And then she goes and gets, I guess, her supervisor.

Who's one of the Harry Potter characters?

And he's like, what's your friend?

From Seren God's Speaker.

And so he flies in and he goes, Bung the Chun Sky.

The boy is the best diver I've ever seen.

I thought we were done.

The blue guy said I could go.

The blue elephant guy said I was good.

I thought I was good to go.

But he comes over and he's like, What synagogue do you go to?

And the synagogue I went to was a Reformed synagogue.

And our rabbi, she's like, people call her a self-hating Jew.

They like, they don't like her.

You went to a girl rabbi?

She got it.

Two girl rabbis.

And

so he doesn't like that.

Of course not.

And then he goes, what's, you know, he goes, what's your friend's name?

I tell him my friend's name.

He goes, when's the last time you saw your friend?

And it just so happened that we had just ran an ultra marathon together.

Oh, I thought you were going to say we were celebrating on 9-11 on the rooftops.

So he's like.

And they're like, oh, you are Israel.

Of course.

Welcome.

So everything I'm saying is he's like, he's like, ultra marathon, how long was the marathon?

And I was like, 37 miles.

He's like, so you ran 37 miles with a Palestinian right next to you.

I was like, yeah.

And he's like, can I see the last

your tech can I see your text messages?

with with him.

And I opened it up and I totally forgot this, but his

the last thing he sent me was like

a political propaganda joke about Netanyahu.

So they're like, leave your bag, give us your bags, and

give us your phone.

And they're like, we're going to walk you to the gate.

And so I went.

Well, this was you were already in the country at this point?

No, I'm still in the country.

Right?

And

I'm like, I have my phone.

I got to call my mom.

And they're like, all right, here, we'll give you your phone.

They're like, do not move from here.

We will come get you.

So I call my mom and I'm like, what the fuck is going on here?

And she's like, let me talk to them.

She's like, no, this is good.

It's safe.

Put me on the phone.

So she's like, you should feel safe.

I'm like, no, mom, I don't want to go.

I don't want to go now.

I want to leave.

So, dude, the plane starts to board.

And nobody is coming up to me.

And I see the lady and I'm like, yo, you guys said you were going to come talk to me.

And she's like, yeah, just wait, wait.

And I just go, listen, I don't really want to go.

Do you think I could get my money back?

And then she was like, no, absolutely not.

No refund.

No refund.

So that's the worst form of terrorism.

You asked for a refund?

You idiot.

And then they come get me and they fucking, they bring me into this little room.

And I had to get down to my underwear.

Dude, I have a story after this.

Yeah.

And

I had two phones on me.

I forgot.

One was a work phone.

So they were like, we're we're giving you one phone.

You could have one phone, but we're taking everything else,

your luggage, all that, and you'll get it when you get to Tel Aviv.

So they walk me to my seat on the plane.

Like, this just doesn't look good.

This doesn't look good at all.

And

I go, can I have a phone charger?

At least I'm like, this is a 12-hour flight.

And he goes,

the stewardess will give you one.

And then I asked the stewardess for a charger, and she literally just laughed in my face.

So then

I'm sitting next to the smelliest Orthodox guy in the world.

Yeah, first so his wife was here first, and she had to move because she can't sit next to another man.

Well, by the time I landed, I was like, Jesus Christ, these fucking Jews.

You know what I mean?

They really, they're so rude.

Bro, my computer didn't work right for the Orthodox are so rude.

Weeks.

Oh, you have malware on your computer right now.

It is cool.

Those guys in Israel, they're like,

they're trying to change the law so that they can be drafted.

And they can't really do it, and they won't get those guys to sign up.

So they're just blocking traffic and stuff.

And it's like, these guys fucking rock.

Oh, they're the guys who don't want to be in.

But you know what they do in Williamsburg?

They're doing that in Israel to stifle the war effort, basically.

Only because they like traffic.

It's over-reported.

Those guys are not.

They're not freedom fighting.

Those guys are not.

I know they're not freedom fighting, but they're protesting because they just don't want to do anything.

No, because they get paid by the government to be Orthodox.

Okay, but

they also don't want to do anything.

They don't want to do anything.

They don't want to do anything.

So it's not like, oh, this is a genocide.

It's like, what do you mean I have to go to work?

No.

Yeah, right.

Wait, which is the funniest, which is the best way to protest.

I was in, when I was 18, I went to A-Lot, which is the southernmost city in Israel.

And

it's right next to the...

Sort of the tombstone of right next to the Egypt border.

A lot of wild herbs types.

really

it's right on the Red Sea and it's right next to it's right next to Egypt and it's right next to Jordan right and on the Egyptian side there's a casino and so I got tanked with my friends we're like wasted and I had my passport with me and they were like let's go over the border let's go to the casino let's go gamble right so I'm like that sounds fucking sick so I go I'm like a fucking 18 year old I don't have that much money right so I lose my whatever $40 immediately and I'm like casinos suck man and it hurts my feelings that I used to have $40 so they were like, whatever, let's go back over the border.

Like, we suck at gambling.

And at the border,

my passport was from when I was 15.

And I had like long hair.

I looked like a teenage lesbian.

And I had like shorter hair.

I was 18 at that point.

And they were like, this is you in Picture.

This is you.

And I was like, yeah, it's me.

I know I got a haircut.

But I swear

this is me.

And they were like, okay, come into the room.

And they

made you gut.

They thought I gangstered something.

Oh, they went in your booty hole?

They went the Koolkoff.

Oh, they inspected butthole.

God damn.

Great guys.

I met a lot of good guys.

All right.

I think this has been a great episode.

Oh, we're done.

Are we done?

Thanks for having me, boys.

I got to go.

Yeah, thanks.

And again, folks, if you're in Charlotte, North Carolina, for the North Carolina Community Fund,

whatever.

I've said it three times.

Come out, please.

Thanks.

Syracuse, November.

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