The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Dan Soder - Episode 52

Hey guys, cooler temperatures are rolling in and as always Quince is where I'm turning for false staples that actually last from cashmere to denim to boots the quality holds up and the price still blows me away.

Quince has the kind of false staples you'll be wearing non-stop, like super soft 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters starting at just 60 bucks.

Their real denim is durable and it fits right and their real leather jackets bring that clean classic edge without the elevated price tag.

What makes Quince different?

They partner directly with ethical factories and they skip the middleman.

So you'll be getting top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.

Guys, a lot of people have been asking me what's different about me recently.

I've lied to some of you.

You know, I said I'm going back to the gym.

That's not happening.

I said that, you know, I got a fucking bangs.

That didn't happen either.

What happened is I've been wearing Quince.

And more specifically, I've been wearing their 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters.

Keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com slash T-A-F-S for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns.

That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash T-A-F-S.

Free shipping, 365-day returns, quince.com slash tabs.

From Australia to San Francisco, Cullen Jewelry brings timeless craftsmanship and modern lab-grown diamond engagement rings to the U.S.

Explore solitaire, trilogy, halo, and bezel settings, or design a custom ring that tells your love story.

With expert guidance, a lifetime warranty, and a talented team of in-house jewelers behind every piece, your perfect ring is made with meaning.

Visit our new Union Street showroom or explore the range at cullenjewelry.com.

Your ring, your way.

Welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast.

We're joined by a special guest, Comedy Institution, Dan Soder.

Thanks for joining us.

Institutionalized.

Yeah, you're psyched.

Loco.

You're really loco la cabesa.

Yeah,

Dan's taking time out of watching Transporter 1 to be with us.

I really appreciate that.

Are you re-watching Transporter 1?

It was on TV, and I was

just, I got into it.

You DVR?

What are you doing in the trunk?

He's like, Charles in the trunk.

We want some.

Was he good for orange juice?

Yeah, orangina.

This is orangina.

You know, I'm like, I'm fat now.

Yeah.

I'm turning into a fat woman.

Yeah.

Basically, it's sassy, fat, and sassy.

Well, I've entered my sunset years, and now I'm like, I just.

The blanket on the left.

No, I get it.

I'm just gaining weight, and I'm eating nothing.

I don't know.

Rule 46, get as heavy as possible and break jazz.

Well, I was watching the Transporter, I don't know, like a year ago.

Yeah.

And

that scene happened.

I was watching with somebody.

That scene happens, and I was like, oh, shit, remember Orange Gene?

And I'm like, dude, I did the same thing.

They did the same thing.

We were losing it.

It's like soda, but it's orange juice.

Yeah, I'm like, Jerry, I'm like, juice, but it's soda.

Yeah.

And when he cuts the thing and lets her drink it, by the way, he realizes it's a person in his trunk, doesn't freak out.

Right.

And then has the mindset to get her an orange Gina.

Yeah.

Let her drink a little, and then puts her back in the back.

The movie's amazing because it's like the character has no, I don't think there's any backstory.

She finds the picture of boxes.

Or the box of pictures.

Yeah, but it's like he's just.

And that's how they get backstory.

That's a good way to show the backstory.

But she goes like the box of pictures.

She's like, oh, Walmetto.

But, but, yeah, but he's like, he has no, like,

there's no flaws.

You know what I mean?

Oh, he's perfect on everything.

He's the best driver, no trauma.

No, karate.

He has when they rocket launch his French manner and they go downstairs into the dummy waiter.

Yeah.

And he throws her in the water and she's just fucking yelling.

They could have at least shown him getting irritated.

Right.

Being like, dude, Chinese always scream.

Even Nisa character who can change anything in the world.

Yeah.

He's still like, what do you mean a girl likes me?

Oh, girls.

Girls are tough.

I thought she was a lesbian.

I thought the rabbit meant she eats pussy.

Yeah, but

Jason Statham, when the transporter goes in the water, and down there, there's just, there's two scuba sets just ready to go in the water, which is like, how much foresight.

Yeah, and doesn't he, he like lives in a lighthouse?

It's like a tarpon is

at Navy Point.

Yeah, so I bought this.

The original scripting.

This is him bogging down the movie with real estate talk.

So you look Chinese or something.

I don't do rule number 17.

I don't fuck Indochina.

And then is it Transporter 3?

There's a bunch of them in a shipping container.

I don't know, but I'll tell you what.

I'm going to work my way there.

They're amazing, dude.

I'm going to get there by the end of the night.

I'm into the franchise.

I got to create a, I got to figure out how to make enough money to have a private theater somewhere in Manhattan.

Oh, dude.

For like midday

matinee.

Yeah, I can call up my friends.

I'm like, hey, dude,

we're watching that damn cat.

Yeah.

We're watching Dunstan Texan.

Yeah.

You know, the live-action Dennis the Menace?

I got it playing at four.

We got

Monsters Inc happening.

Christopher Lloyd plays the homeless man that's definitely into molestation.

Yeah, I love that.

When he's cutting the apple with the knife.

He's like, you ever have an apple before?

Dude, everyone wanted to fuck Dennis.

And no one talked about it.

That's why he was a menace because he avoided pedophilia.

I remember being a teenager, I drew, I was like, maybe I'll get into comics.

Sure.

Drew maybe two things ever.

And one of them is like, it was Dennis and Menace digging up Mr.

Wilson's yard.

And then Mr.

Wilson's like, I'll show him.

He goes down there and he's got a trench coat on.

And he goes, hey, Dennis, want to see the internet?

And then it's just

showing his penis.

Mr.

Wilson!

Yeah, and he's like, Dennis is horrified looking at this seven-year-old man's penis.

But then

he gets indoctrined, and then he just starts becoming like Mr.

Wilson's sex toy.

Like apt pupil.

Yeah, exactly like that.

Dennis finds out Mr.

Wilson used to be one of the guards.

Oh, dude.

He's SS.

Yeah.

You know, his real name's like, it's like

Wilschenschranz.

Teaching me how to be gay.

Yeah.

Directed by Brian Smith.

Hey, old Nazi, teach me how to be gay.

He's like, in the old country, I was an SS soldier named Wilheim Wirsenschnab.

But that's the other aspect of Brian Singer that's weird, like aside from the boy rapist.

I mean, that's a pretty weird one.

But he's got an obsession with Nazi stuff that's not like.

Like, Lemmy?

Like, remember how Lemmy would collect.

Yeah, but

Lemmy was a rock guy.

Brian Singer.

Yeah, but why is that making okay?

Well, like, yeah, because it's like, it's evil.

It's like, he's like, yeah, it's bad.

Stop this bad.

It's smoking cigarettes.

I'll tell everyone, you know, the Jews got starved.

You go and smoke cigarettes and you think the ghost chamber is cool.

There's nothing more mental than just gassing about.

Imagine the women that were fucking him, like, up until the last day.

Yeah, not prime.

Not prime, Lemmy.

No, yeah, Lemmy at 71 years old with like, with prostate cancer in his brain that it spread from his first circular cancer.

Him wheezing during foreplay because he was smoking

bloody cum leaking out of his fucking like eye sockets the only thing that gets him off is he's like suck the mole yeah right suck the mole now he would do that you know he would do that right there's women

yeah that was like i've read interviews where he's like women want to suck young women stuff it's disgusting that's revolting but him at like 70 years old acting that way and then and then it's like there's 21 years old so the 21 year olds are like well i'm from long island so i have to fuck lunch i met him at the rainbow room he's a a rock.

I had my dad at a motorcycle.

That's exactly it.

My dad would lose his mind, and he's like, come and hold a Nazi knife to your throat while you suck me, baby.

Where am I?

Are you my Susan?

He starts calling him a name from his past.

Are you my Susan?

Is that you, Dot?

Is that you?

And get me, yo, I don't know, but you're fucking creeping me out, you old weirdo.

Reminds me of getting topped from the missus during the blitz.

I used to have a hot glass of tea as those krauts were raining down hell on me.

They want to know why I like Nazi stuff.

It's because I got topped during the blitz.

Because

the bomb,

as I popped in her mouth, the bombs went off.

I had to get under a slab of concrete because she was giving me top.

It's so funny.

Him getting sucked while the fucking just

20 bombs falling on his block.

And he's like, oh, fuck, I see that queer McJanger talking about that.

But I'll still say this.

I think Lemmy being into Nazi stuff, not as weird as Brian Singer being into Nazi stuff.

And Brian Singer is a Jewish guy.

Brian Singer's Jewish.

Brian Singer is just projecting a bunch of gay stuff.

Well, he's a petitioner.

Gay Predator stuff onto the Nazi stuff.

So he's like, the Nazi stuff, he's like, oh, this is a party.

That's like his Nazi werewolf?

Yeah, it's kind of like.

He's like, what if we made the Nazis?

Gay artists often project gay stuff onto whatever they're consuming.

And then they're like, oh, this must be gay also.

Yeah.

You know what he also does it?

They do it with Nintendo.

People online, they're like, oh, yeah, Princess Peach is, she got her penis cut off.

And then they fight, like, sometimes like Nintendo, after they're dressed, they'll be like, it's for four-year-olds.

This was made by a sweet Japanese man.

He's a plumber.

The bad guy's a turtle.

That's it.

Guys?

That's it.

That's where it begins today.

There's nothing else going on.

That's where it begins.

There's no anything else going on.

And they're like, nah, nah, dude, it's not.

Links is, yeah, Lynx gays.

Koopa wants to butt fuck Luigi, but Mario's got to stop him.

Right.

And even if, even if it was, let's say that's all true,

it's like, how does that help anyone?

Well, counter-argument,

it's like, this, oh, we need more representation of trans people in a world where mushrooms turn you, then make it so that you can fight a terrorist.

What does that give you the confidence to go do?

Is when he has the leaf and he turns into the raccoon.

Well, now,

because, yeah, because I know Peach is trans, that gives me, now I feel comfortable going out in the world as a raccoon.

It gives you agency.

Yeah, exactly.

Now you can fly by whipping your tail around.

I don't know.

I watched Challengers over the weekend.

What's that one?

It's out there.

It's a new tennis movie.

And it's like...

The slut one?

And it's good.

It's basically...

It's the Eiffel Tower movie.

Yeah, it's a tennis movie, and I enjoyed it, but it's clearly somebody was just watching tennis.

They probably don't know much about tennis they're watching it and you hear the grunts and they're like okay something's going on

okay these two

they have something going on they want it they are fucking in the showers they're not yeah they're just projecting all this stuff onto somebody just grunted yeah it's something

they probably they probably grew up together they jacked each other off in boarding school and now it's a secret and they're ashamed and it's like Eric, can't you just watch the tennis movies?

Do you have to do this?

This is a great match.

You have to just do this while we're talking about it.

someone in his life goes just enjoy the competition yeah right and he goes no no no no hear me out and there's a woman who taught them straight sex but she's evil and and it's like can we is that what the whole premise is i mean no that it's a it's like basically like a hypersexualized love triangle with a theme of tennis and it seems pretty straightforward that's all it's about so they just took a mmf threesome and they were like let's put drop that into tennis if you don't go in looking for anything other than that it's great you know i I was told at the box office that it was like a two and a half hour long movie.

Did not feel like it.

Flew by.

I was engaged the whole time.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

It's the same guy that did Call Me by Your Name.

Okay.

Luca, whatever.

Which is just also that, like, Call Me by Your Name is, there's nothing else.

Call Me by Your Name is like.

It's not gay.

People are not going to be able to do it.

No, it's not.

It's like the episode of The Simpsons where Bart has the crush on the babysitter.

Yes.

That's all Call Me By Your Your Name is.

But it's just gay.

But it's gay.

Right, yeah.

Do you think that's how they pitched it?

I would have.

He goes, you know, the episode of Simpsons Morglux, the babysitter?

And they go, yeah.

And they're like, what do you think about

Brian Singer for this one?

I'm at the studio.

I'm like, I don't know.

I don't know if we need Nazi stuff.

That's what Singer was like.

Yeah.

Okay, so hear me out.

He's like, it's tennis.

It's during Dachau.

Yeah, right.

It's Call Me Oberführer.

And so they go.

Call me Ubermen.

And they're leather daddies.

One of them's eight, but he looks like a Tom a Finland guy.

And they go on vacation.

He goes on vacation with his family, and he meets a guy who works on motorcycles, but he uses his penis as the tools.

And he's got a bunch of Nazi memorabilia, and they bond over there.

He's like, oh, you like Motorhead also?

Yeah, it's scored by Motorhead.

Right.

And then they're killing animals in his garage.

It's Lemmy, but he's gay.

Yeah.

Is there any mole sucking in this?

That's disgusting.

That is.

And today's episode is brought to you by.

I'm going to go to the water.

Ready to win Mother's Day.

I know you are, Dan.

Already won it.

Yeah,

this is how I win.

And cement your reputation as the best giver in the family.

That's kind of a suck-up move.

She's like, I'm the best boy in the family.

Yeah, whoever created the least damage to the vagina is the one who won.

Well, I was Cesarean.

I try to keep that shit pristine.

There you go.

Give the moms in your life and aura digital frame preloaded with decades of family photos.

She'll love looking back on your childhood memories and seeing what you're up to today.

Even better with unlimited storage.

Oh man, I'm sorry.

Even better with unlimited storage, an easy-to-use app, you can keep updating mom's frame with new photos.

So it's the gift that keeps on giving.

Guys, so what's the best gift giver?

Who's the best gift giver in your life?

My mom only had one child, so it's me.

I reign supreme.

Did you kill the other one?

Yeah, I had him in the womb.

Yeah, China.

Consumed in the womb.

Mom, who's Chinese?

It's the name of my biography.

Consumed in the womb.

That's cool.

Badass.

That's like a corn lyric.

Oh, no.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, I had dreads when I wrote that line.

I had long, stringy dreads.

You know what I watched?

Are we done with the reading when I was talking?

No, no, no, not at all.

What makes your mom so good at gifts?

I guess there's no other kids?

Yeah, I just provide gifts for her, so I'm the best gift giver.

Oh, so what's your mom's name?

She's got Trish.

Yeah, Rez.

It's a very mom-very name.

Patricia.

Of course, you came from that.

Yeah.

Trish.

I didn't realize it was such a good mom name.

And my dad's name was Gary.

Perfect.

So Gary.

It's your dad's name, though.

Guys, right now, Aura has a great deal for Mother's Day.

That's like a nice thing.

My dad Garfield would hate.

Yeah, right.

My dad Garfield.

Guys, for Mother's Day, listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com/slash slash TAFS.

Oh, my dad hates Mondays.

Yeah, he ate a lot of lasagna.

My aunt Odie.

Yeah, no, he didn't really work.

Dude, it was a problem.

You know, his sin was sloth.

Yeah, he's one of those guys that had a dog, but he hated it.

He was really.

He so

guys, he would kick it off the table.

If you put in,

the dog shouldn't have been up there in the first half.

I don't know.

My Grandpa John was just really

absent-minded.

Grandpa John was gay.

He was clearly gay, and he wouldn't admit it.

Yeah, him and his lover Nirmal.

And he was a Nazi.

Yeah.

Guys, auraframes.com slash T-A-F-S, you get 30%.

You're just putting stuff onto things, and I look at Garfield.

I'm like, okay, something's going on here.

Okay, so John.

What's the blanket?

Okay, something, so the cat is a Nazi.

You have

Garfield's anus wrinkles.

I hate Mondays.

Garfield's anus wrinkles are in the shape of a swask.

I hate Mondays.

Are we done here?

Aura Frames?

You got...

to get 30% off.

Also, did you tell him our works?

Why don't you show them?

Go around the.

Go here and show him.

I think it was next to you.

Nope.

It's back where the stuff goes.

Well, it was.

I'll hold this.

Anyway, guys, $30 off your order for Mother's Day.

Don't tell your mom you saved money.

And free shipping.

Tell her you paid full price.

And it comes in this lovely box.

Look at this.

Wow, look at that.

Mom's going to eat this shit up.

She's going to

divorce your dad and finally be with her lovely baby boy.

Yeah,

aura frames, auraframes.com, auraframes.com, A-U-R-A.com/slash T-A-F-S.

Free shipping, $30 off.

Look at this.

This looks like Mother's Day.

It does.

It's gorgeous.

Yeah, she'll shit.

Here, give it to Trish.

Dude, I gave Trish the gift of hearing.

Well, never mind.

I'm buying her hearing aids.

Oh, my.

What about a cochlear implant?

That'd be cool.

Yeah.

Just like a bunch of blue.

that.

No, I mean, is it the move now?

I feel like they cured being deaf.

Did they?

There's three things that have happened in my life.

Curing being deaf, like there's a solution for that now.

Carfield's gay.

Well, I mean, things that like big changes.

Carfield's always been gay.

It's implied.

There's

curing being deaf.

I feel like AIDS is cured.

It's done.

AIDS is cured.

And then also weed is like legal, I guess.

It's too powerful and it's legal.

Both AIDS being cured and weed being legalized are things that just sort of happen so gradually and slowly that it's like, I don't understand when it happened.

They thought it was going to be such a...

They thought if you went to the 90s, the most futuristic thing you could say for 2024 is that AIDS is cured and weed is legal.

And both of them happen very slowly.

We don't even care.

Both are still technically crimes.

Both are still things that you should be in jail for, but they don't enforce it.

Being a bug chaser or a dope smoker.

I do like that the AIDS medicine

prep and all that stuff.

Part of the branding is like, and it'll reduce the level so low, you don't even have to tell people.

You hit it wrong.

That's the word.

It's undetectable.

That commercial is missing a well-timed wink.

Right.

No one will ever be able to prove

it.

I got HIV.

Yeah, it's crazy.

They never step it up to AIDS anymore.

It's just HIV now.

Well,

they don't want to use that.

They don't want to use HIV because that's like the beatable.

Well, there's a difference between the two.

AIDS is a condition where your T-cell count drops below 200.

So it's the same virus.

I thought HIV was like the appetizer to the main dish.

No, no.

So basically, it's like having

like,

well, I'm trying to think of an example, but AIDS is like the, it's like your HIV's gotten pretty bad.

You're rid of it.

It's like a.

Because you can have, I think you can have

AIDS technically.

AIDS is just a collection of symptoms.

Okay.

So you can have AIDS.

So it's like Pokemon.

This is not technically correct.

It's the same, but it's just basically.

They wouldn't say this.

There would be an issue with this, but you could have AIDS without having HIV.

There's an AIDS doctor watching this, putting his glass down.

He goes, he nailed it.

It's Brian Singer.

Yeah.

And he goes, what if the AIDS was Nazis?

Yeah, right.

What if it was Nazi AIDS?

What if AIDS was invented to create a super soldier?

What if it was Captain America?

Who could eat whatever he wanted.

But he was a gay Nazi with AIDS.

Right.

Yeah.

Damn, Singer had the ultimate chance to put people gay by controlling the X-Men.

Yeah.

I was also thinking

the other day about

what if we found out Tom of Finland, what if that guy was straight?

And that would be

one of the greatest upsets of all time for people.

Yeah, it's like a reverse Rock Hudson.

He's like, no, I'm a cartoonist.

I draw funny comics.

I don't know why.

Gay?

Yeah, right.

You thought I was gay?

I just drew the thing that I thought was the funniest thing possible to me.

There's nothing funnier than man-on-man love.

Yeah, right.

A cop with an 11-inch cock.

Yeah.

He's like.

What about a biker with an 11-inch cock?

That'd just get in the way of the motorcycle.

Yeah.

That's his detriment.

It's impractical.

Yeah, it's your lifestyle.

There's a sadness to it.

The chaps would come into play.

Have you seen Civil War yet?

No.

I heard it's good.

That's the other one.

You heard it's actually good?

Yeah, from one friend who's sometimes wrong.

I feel like it's good for the people who want it to be good.

Similar to the tennis movies.

I don't know anything about it, but I've.

I just heard it's like California, Texas, and California, Texas, that's not a.

They don't link up.

That's not a link up.

Well, if it's Bakersfield, Texas.

Inland.

Fresno, Texas.

Yeah.

Away from the coast.

That's Texas.

Away from the, if you're getting like

Bakersfield

to all the like San Francisco, L.A.

people.

Yeah.

Like Arizona Bay kind of thing.

And then Bakersfield reigns supreme.

And then they squat up to the Texas Technology.

I could see

California, Texas, just that's in the city.

My grandma lived in Lake County.

I could see Lake County linking up with Texas.

And then Florida.

Because I think there's three people that go against everyone.

It's those three?

I think.

Wow.

But then they probably recruit Nebraska and Kansas.

But what is, do you know

what the war is over?

Is it slavery again?

No.

I suppose it never is over.

That would be a fun premise for a movie.

Trying to bring it back.

If there was, yeah, if that was a civil war, is slavery again.

Yeah, like fucking Michigan was like, well, we're not, let's have a war about it.

We're not just going to bring it back.

We'll have the war first, and if we win.

That's how they pitch it?

Yeah, right.

Okay, guys, hear me out.

We win slavery.

But who do they pick to be the slaves?

Black people again?

It's shocking we don't have robot slaves.

That's the fucked up thing about the world.

It's coming.

Well, but they won't do it.

They'll continue to, people will just have to be poor.

We will have the technology where we can have robot slaves and everyone can have one.

But then the tech industry will be like, well, you know, we can't.

They're robots.

They're robots.

And if you're a black person,

how mad you would be that they're showing more decency to you guys?

That was always my thought.

Was that, remember there's a movie iRobot?

What's the movie where Will Smith's iRobot?

For a robot.

And it's like, there's no way they would make black robots.

The optics of like,

oh, you don't have to pay the movie

to pitch that.

That would not have to be.

To pitch that at the Robot Factory?

You guys want to make them black?

We have, yeah.

And they go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

If we ever have

to ever have slave robots, they're coming out that cum color for high sentence.

They're going to have cum skin, and they will be voiced by Robin Williams.

Hey, please help me.

What if I pick some goddamn?

Ooh, I'm a centene bee.

It's hot out here today, mama.

Look at this shirt that I picked.

There's a hot day in the fields, mama.

Oh, I wish I could hang myself.

Oh, hold on.

Oh,

yeah.

Yeah, pitching a black robot.

No way.

Nuts.

No chance who.

Nuts.

You're trying to get fired.

It would be like, it would either be the Bicentennial Man or that one that's just a Honda.

What was that one they had?

Johnny 5?

Asimo?

No.

Oh, I thought you were talking about...

No, not short circuit.

Short circuit.

He was like, Johnny 5, I am your slave.

Johnny 5, my black.

I'm black, by the way.

Dad was always, you remember Conair?

Yeah.

And he goes,

so that character's name is Johnny 23 because he's raped 23.

Yeah, I remember Johnny 23.

So Johnny 5 goes, you go to Johnny 5, going, they would call me Johnny 500 if they knew that.

My secrets are programmed in my brain.

I have an insatiable appetite.

That movie is hilarious.

The short circuit movies.

Oh, yeah.

Some props guy just glued a bunch of garbage together, and he's like, what if this was a movie?

Isn't it a white guy playing an Indian guy?

What do you mean?

Oh, yes.

Yeah, there is a character.

It's like a white actor.

Yeah.

Go look it up.

Isn't Short Round in those movies also?

Yeah, he's one of the guys.

Yeah, yeah.

But I think on Short Circuit, they have a white dude.

And Short Round's in Goonies, too, and he plays a character named like Data.

Yeah, Data.

Yeah, right.

Which

what was the story there?

Did they give him like...

He's just the Asian friend that's good at inventions.

Who doesn't have one of those growing up?

Yeah, right.

That would have been awesome to have.

Wait, short circuit.

Yeah, he's like, yeah, it's a time machine.

Allie Sheety, Steve Gutenberg, obviously.

Fuck your hot Chinese mom.

Fisher Stevens

played Ben Jubatataya.

He has a crazy look these days.

Who's that guy?

Fisher Stevens?

He plays the

Cyrus, the virus, or God, and

Hackers.

He's the bad guy.

Yeah.

Him and Lorraine.

Hackers.

He plays the plague

the plague that's his name in the hackers yeah the plague

and and uh it's him and lorraine uh

fucking melthy dr melthy is the his girlfriend in that yeah i'm looking if short round is in

uh

short circuit he might be in the he's the robot

no

no the voice

yeah asian voice robot is great i thought that was short round oh no that's just a collection of ducks no tim blaney did the voice of numbers just confusing the words short circuit and short round.

Short round.

Yeah,

I'm saying he's in that.

You're just doing an amalgamation?

I am.

That's how my brain works.

Yeah, it used to benefit me because that's how I could write jokes.

Sure.

And now I'm just genuinely confused all the time.

Now it just blurs together and you don't know.

You don't know what color the stoplights are.

You just ended up in fucking colorblindness?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, everything's gray.

No, yeah, my brain.

I'm seeing if he's in the second one.

My brain fucks things up, and then I'll say things, and people laugh, and I'll be like, oh, I didn't mean to say that.

Yeah, that's the worst.

Where you go, I didn't intend to do that.

Yeah, I just

have encouraged my brain to think about things in a way, in such a way where I come up with wrong answers that seem right in a funny way.

Because that's all joke writing is.

Yeah, it's saying

the wrong thing at the right time.

It's coming up with a solution to something that

makes no sense, but it is seemingly the shortest

Cockham's razor.

That's why when people say AI can't do stand-up, you're like, no, it can't.

Oh, easily.

I knew that.

I said that to Eugene Merman sitting in the grotto at South by Southwest when we met.

Yeah,

it was a weekend.

It was even early.

It was 2012.

2012, yeah.

Because I was still drinking.

Yeah.

And that fucking, I was sitting in the

in-between place between

outside garden.

Yeah.

I was sitting with Eugene Merman and we were talking about Asimo, the robot, and he was like, yeah, this is just going to take everybody's jobs.

Thank God we're comedians.

I'm like, no, they will easily.

That's going to be the first one they do.

Yeah, lifting and comedy.

Yeah, I'm like, you know, like, first of all, if you've ever sat down and written a joke, you know that there's a process to it.

Yeah.

And it's, it's something, it's, it's, it's data input, right?

Yeah.

You just take a thing, and then you, it's exactly what you just said.

You just do the wrong answer.

That is the funniest.

I'm, I'm actually, I will say this: I'm not even sure that that Otsuko lady isn't the robot from the

dude.

I don't, it could very well be that there's gonna be a clip of of her getting heckled with water.

Yeah.

Yeah, right.

Zap.

And then shorting out.

Yeah, right.

Oh, my God.

It'd be great to see one of those.

Where we see the audience and it's all Johnny Fodd.

It's Wally.

Johnny Five loves R2D2.

I still keep 3PO.

Great job.

About to curve.

Oh, the industry's all robots.

R2D2 canceled for wolf whistling.

Oh, he did a black.

He did a black whistle.

dude i'm gonna be obsessed with the the guy pitching black robots for the rest of the day where he goes okay okay yeah but he's black i had a sketch i had another i had a sketch

as a teenager with r2 d2 meeting lando calrizzian it's the first scene where we see r2d2 and it's like he's like beep beep beep and they're like jesus christ i'm so sorry

he goes hey man what's up with this what's up with this tiny trash can

what the fuck hey hey huh he's got a a lot of hate in his heart.

Yeah, you go, you want to explain your friend?

Can you go

on the outside?

You know how upset that would make Lando?

He's like, I'm the only black guy in this galaxy.

Come on.

You know how many years it took me to put on a cape confidence?

You know how long it took me to get here from 1860, South Carolina?

I'm from the only black planet where they tested out the death stuff.

I had my own.

That's how Lando got there.

There was its second underground railroad that went into space.

And some of the slaves ended up in a galaxy far, far away.

Yeah, where he's like, man, he's the only one that survived the trip.

You thought saying people were bad.

Yeah.

He's like, I'm going to tell you right now, man.

Them Raiders, dude, that's so funny.

I like that.

He's a light years away in a different galaxy, and they still gave him a name, like a pimp.

Yeah,

in a cape.

Right, yeah.

Yeah, his name is Eldorado Coote deville.

He's

basically a space pimp.

We're going to

We're going to call him Slim Martian.

You can't call him Slim Martian.

His name is Lando Widecock.

He's basically.

He just spins Leia the first time he meets her.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Lando, why are you getting a manicure?

We got to take down the Death Star.

I'll smack that bitch when I feel like it's necessary.

He's trying to pimp Luke.

You see these nails?

I sold them nails to Revlock.

He says, all I do is peel money and touch bitches.

Now, Luke.

Luke.

Luke, Luke, Luke.

I'll send you back to that two-moon planet if you don't play ball by.

Yeah, and then his white friend,

the tube head guy from Jabba's Palace.

Yeah, yeah.

Played by Gary Oldman as in.

It ain't white boy day.

Yeah, exactly.

Jabba.

Jabba's just a pimp.

Yeah, Jabba and

Jabba and his friend Drexel.

Nah, baby, baby.

Gotta chill.

What do you think the odds are?

Leia, Leia, Leia.

The N-word probably appears somewhere in Jabba's Palace.

And those scenes and that line.

I bet if you properly,

if you translate Jabba.

No, no, I mean, if you just listen to the phonemes of all of that, that whole scene,

it's got to be in there somewhere.

I don't think that's what they took out.

is.

Put some sound over it and peel it back.

Today's episode is also brought to you by Ridge Wallet, which, Adam, if you want to pull up the website and talk about our friends at Ridge Wallet.

Ridge Wallet, great product, guys.

Friend of the show for a long time.

Dan, are you familiar?

Oh, yeah, dude.

Ridge Wallet, I've known about it for years.

What's that?

Solid metal.

Yes, that's true.

The metal one.

What do you love about Ridge Wallet?

It can be used as a weapon.

Ian got these matches made for his.

I saw that.

Ian finance is specials out right now.

Specials out right now.

I watch Ian.

I'm arguing with people on Twitter over.

Yeah, the trans community is mad at him.

The trans community is mad at him.

God bless him.

I wish I brought it up.

I can't remember if I saw it before he was here.

Do you think Ian.

Just Ian in the comments being like, I fuck trans people, you fucking freaks.

He responds to every criticism.

He's like, God, what the fuck is wrong with these

fucking freaks?

I suck cock.

Some of the gifts

he's like arguing with these.

Oh, my God, dude.

The idea that he's up there going, you fucking abomination.

I said I fucking cocked it.

I know.

And then it's like, but there's no, like, it's not even, it's not like he's Nick DiPaulo.

It's not like he's conservative.

He's just, people are just mad at him.

Yeah.

And you should know not to argue, but like, he's one of the rare instances where

he's one, he's wasting your time.

time.

Go off.

You know what I mean?

It's like, you're not going to

have engaged with Ian in the first place.

Guys, they launched Ridge Wallet with the simple belief that we can make wallets better.

Two Kickstarters over 10 years, and over 2 million wallets later, they're still starting every day with that same mentality.

Only now, it's to improve all the items you carry on.

I love mentalities, dude.

I see, I always try to embrace the lifestyle mentality.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, you live it.

Nick, you're a young man.

You always have a lifestyle mentality.

Live your lifestyle.

Yeah.

Now, what the hell is the Ghostbusters thing that he's doing?

He likes Ghostbusters a lot or

a molested thing.

Because honestly, if you just read the sign, it looks like it means no Ian.

It's no Ian.

I don't know why you would do that.

I don't know why you would decide that says No Ian.

The marketing backfired.

He goes, ah, fuck, I didn't pull out enough.

Oh, no, well, no, it's Ghostbusters, but I'm

guessing it's like, but it's

you're the bad guy from your favorite movie.

Wallets for Tula were designed to hold everything.

Receipts, gift cards, and anything else you can stuff in there but they turned that on its head with a minimalist first approach to design so carry less and live more live more sounds great live moss live moss there was a sign there was a sign at the beer store next to my apartment in texas for it was a coke ad yeah and it it had a bottle of coca hold on and it said uh more mmm for your buck in english and then underneath it in spanish uh moss mmm for your buck like they just put the word moss and then it gave up on Spanish.

That's the Chris Farley joke when he was El Niño.

He goes, El Nino is Spanish for the Nino.

Yeah, they just coke just really was like,

what's that, that, that, the SNL sketch where it's like the hidden camera like folds yourself.

One of the funniest, I have that clip.

I send it all the time to people.

It's so good.

He goes, sir, what if I told you you were drinking decaffeinated?

He goes, liar to me.

The funniest part is this when he goes, what?

He was about to go psycho.

And then he looks at the woman and then looks at the coffee and then looks at the guy again.

Son of a bitch.

But that first part always gets me.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Ridge Wallace.

I just thought of something.

They got a lot of other stuff, too.

Ridge Wallace.

Yeah, go ahead.

I was, you know, so

I'm friendly with

the main guy because we've been with Ridge

from the beginning.

Drowned Floor.

That is a huge company.

Like, I remember

eight, like six years, five or six years ago, you guys were messing with them.

Yeah, and but we were fucking singing.

They sent us a bunch of stuff, and now this is the first time we've done reads for them where they have not sent stuff.

Yeah, they sent a gold wallet,

which I think it's just because they still do this because they're friendly.

They don't need this show.

They fucking advertise on the Super Bowl.

It's charity.

It's like they don't.

No, they don't.

But they could.

Maybe Wimbledon.

This is charity for them to advertise with us.

I wish they would send the stuff.

I might even buy something.

which I said, I'll tell you this: I would not do with any other sponsor that we've ever had on this show.

Yeah, and

that's why they've taken their innovative design and material approach to create products that you can rely on.

Yeah, I've had this wallet for years now.

Yeah, that thing is solid.

Yeah, the items you carry every day are your tools.

But I better look.

They updated the backpack, so now I want the latest.

That's what you want.

I want the latest.

Backpack technology has jumped in the last three years.

Nick and I both use the backpack every single day.

It's lovely.

It's the commuter pack.

If you want to shop this look like Nick and I, guys, go to ridgewallet.com, put in promo code,

and you'll get a great lit.

Guess what?

I'm going to try it right now, and I'll tell you how much you get off.

I just thought about my dad's name being Garfield.

Oh, yeah.

It's great.

That'd be a pretty bad name for a dad to have.

I don't know.

I kind of think it might be better than Gary.

You know what would be the worst is Roseanne if your dad's name is Roseanne.

Yes.

Roseanne's a tough one.

Roseanne's a tough one to bounce back.

Yeah, just over the school PA.

Yeah, Roseanne.

Dan, your father, Roseanne, is here to pick you up.

Mr.

Roseanne Soder.

Roseanne Soder is here to pick up his daughter, Dan.

Dan.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Your son, Dan.

Yeah.

I thought it was daughter because

you have a fat woman's name.

Because you have a fat, mean lady's name.

I believe the discount is.

What is Roseanne doing now?

She's been kicked off all social media, and I can only imagine

if her opinions are getting even worse.

Yeah, she's just full grifted.

She's Fox News now.

Yeah.

But, like, more than that, I think she's got newsmaster.

She's got crazy.

She's full grift.

Yeah.

It's crazy she called that lady an ape.

That's what kind of funny.

Muslim Brotherhood meets Planet of the Apes.

That's crazy.

Which sounds like you want to talk about fun crossovers.

And then she's a Todd, dude.

Well, to hit that up right after the Transporter series, we're doing Muslim Brotherhood versus Planet of the Apes.

That's actually the new sequel they're doing.

Yeah, yeah.

That's it.

Farrick.

They'll come out with one of those kufoos on guys you get 10 off and free shipping i believe uh promo code tafs at ridge.com i'm i'm interested to see when i go home if katie finished the transporter yeah because it was on and we were what are you gonna do you're living close here now yeah oh okay and and we were like in it like to the point where i went I can leave in five more minutes.

Yeah.

You were in it.

We were in it.

No,

I just did this within the last year.

I watched it.

I got cable again.

You were calling the bad guy Baby Bangs?

I got cable against the ball.

That's the best part about cable.

I just sit and I watch movies all day long.

You watch Blue Velvet and Mulholland Falls yesterday.

Dude, I was the new Bay Watch was on.

Yeah.

Who's in it?

The Rock?

The Rock?

The Rock is in.

Great body.

Great bod.

Zach Efron, another great bod.

Great body.

That's the best part about cable is you just fall into these old movies.

That's what hotels on the road.

So much of my life, you know, I was thinking about like

using Letterbox differently to log whenever I think about a movie.

Because 90% of my day, I'm just thinking about movies that I've seen.

I don't have any of my own experiences or emotions.

You just lived through something you saw in the middle of the movie.

I'm in Williamson Oma, and I go, oh, a brave little toaster.

If you remember, he's probably trying to get back to his family.

That's right.

It was a sad movie.

When I see a homeless guy and his dog, I go, homeward bound.

Fluke.

Yeah.

Anytime I see a dog fluke, that's probably that dog.

That That guy is probably fucking that dog's wife.

And then Singer goes, make it a Nazi.

Yeah.

Anytime I see the Holocaust, I go, oh, yeah, Brian Singer raping children.

Yeah.

Grooming them, going, Do you want to meet an X-Man?

You know the story of App Pupil, right?

The thing that they did on that?

No.

So there's a scene in App Pupil.

App Pupil's the movie where his neighbor's a Nazi, right?

Brad Renfro discovers that his neighbor.

His older neighbor, who's like, isn't it Liam?

It's Ian McCallan.

Ian McKellen.

Yeah, it's like a great actor.

Right.

He's like.

Magneto.

He's like, well,

what did you say?

Did you say you ought to hear about gassing the Jews?

What if I just showed you my penis instead?

What if I laid down and lathered you and baby oil?

What if I sucked your cock instead?

Have you ever swallowed a cop?

Yeah.

What if instead of me being a Nazi, we were gay with each other?

We embraced.

But I don't know the story of that.

He's like, look, I'm already an SS officer.

I might as well be a pedophile.

If I'm here, might as well taste the fruits.

If I've already gassed the Jews, I might as well fuck children.

I mean, if you're here, grab everything you can.

I'm already going to hell.

We crossed that line.

If you're robbing a bank, take the pen.

The other day I had a bite of cheesecake and I said, We're already here.

I might as well eat the whole thing.

I mean, winning bro.

It's a cheat, though.

Look, Auschwitz, that's the strawberry on time.

But now I want the cake.

Fucking 14

boy bought.

The boy bought from my neighbor.

Just making taste noises.

And that's the premise of that people.

But when they were filming the movie, they went to a local junior high school and they were like, okay, so we're going to,

you guys can be in a movie.

Oh, my God.

What a pedophile movie.

They brought a bunch of 14-year-old boys in the locker room and just filmed them naked.

And then a couple of the kids went home and told their parents what happened.

And the parents were like, what the fuck?

And then fucking the studio just covered it up.

Damn.

Yeah.

Because that was the 90s.

Yeah.

So there was no really heavy internet presence.

So all you had to do.

Pedophilia was cool back then.

Well, all you had to do was stop by a house and cut a check.

And like a dad was going, like, yeah, season tickets.

Every parent

has a price.

Can you imagine being like the PA there that day?

And they're like,

so what?

What are we doing?

I got to spritz down these boys.

Does anyone have to do that?

They're making $150 a day.

I didn't realize we were doing child porn.

My dad got me this job.

I thought you needed me to go get bagels, not boys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then singer's like, you know what?

If you're like a grip, and

you're unrolling the

extension cord into the gym.

And then they're like, where did the zis go?

You're like the guy that heard Sandusky fucking that game.

And it's back.

It's back when film was around.

So it's like,

guys, we're out.

We got to change.

Yeah, great.

Excellent.

The bullhorn.

Oh, you don't need a lot of cogs.

Yeah, that's fucking nuts.

And they just paid him off.

I don't even know if they paid him off.

That's how egregious they got.

Do you want to put on Magneto's helmet?

Do you think

he has a smaller one for his cock helmet?

Yeah.

Now you can't read my thoughts.

Now you can't see what gets me off.

Ah, you'll just have to see if it gets me off.

Also, those two guys definitely.

There's something going on there.

They did a kiss where they nudged up against each other.

Oh,

back in the 1960s England theater school but peace can you imagine gay right can you pre-AIDS England every you that's every all you had to fight was curiosity every mark wrong that you could have in the like is this yeah what are the odds something gay is gonna happen they're going ew you seem very old Vic theater yeah 1960s where a lot of times

they had to dress up As Ophelia.

A man had to play Ophelia.

Oh, they love cross-dressing.

That That was their thing.

Also, it's posh to be gay there.

It means your parents have money and they sent you to a boarding school.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a flex to be gay there.

They're like, yeah, I don't like working.

Yeah, I'm not poor.

Yeah, ew.

I'm gay.

Pussies for poor.

Yeah.

Well, that's a good idea.

I'm a gay guy.

I'm not poor.

That's why they're in those X-Men movies because Brian Singers is like, I'm going to get the old queens together.

Me and the guys that taught me, showed me the road.

I'm going to get my sifu.

I'm going to get my mask.

Right, yeah.

He's a little red panda guy.

The red panda and the turtle.

I still haven't seen Kung Fu Banda 4.

If he had that mid-town, I mean, dude, that screaming.

Yeah.

Jack Black munching and kicking ass.

Yeah, I love those movies.

I think this one he gets diabetes.

Does he?

He does.

Yeah, that'd be great.

I mean, he could.

From Bamboo.

Why isn't his sweet?

They do like motion capture for all those.

So all the fights are like real.

Jack Black's doing the fighting?

Well, no, probably a stunt double.

but they do motion capture on all the fights.

They do motion.

Motion capture for the motion capture

in weird shorts

showing his hairy legs.

Yeah, for the

Kung Fu Panda movies, they have actual karate happening.

I wonder if I'm going to make it.

How many transporters are there?

Three?

I think there's four of them.

I might make it through all four this weekend.

That'd be awesome.

Because I'm already two-thirds of the way through one.

Yeah.

And I want to see how two goes.

Yeah, Crank one and two.

You should just.

I've seen Crank.

I

actually really not good.

The last Guy Richie movie.

Oh, yeah.

It just fumes.

What's it called?

Yeah, there's nothing happening.

I watched half of it on a plane.

What's it called?

He's like in a prison or something, and then he comes out.

I forget what the premise is, but it's just like

Guy Richie.

It's like the end of Robin Williams when he was just like doing Robin Williams stuff, where you're like, there's no substance.

Oh, look at your lamp.

Oh, it's just sad Robin Williams.

Oh, sad.

The coffee's half full.

We got banana bread here.

I don't know.

Is it banana or is it bread, pal?

I don't know.

I've got an Hawaiian shirt on.

You're coming or you're going?

Can you imagine his family didn't find him for an entire week because

he pre-recorded that kind of stuff.

Fears Peeler's Day off

the door in his office.

Yeah, so there's just

dead in the closet.

There's a mannequin.

Oh, where do we got it?

Oh, hey, knock, shut the door.

Knock, knock, who's there?

Santa, Santa Claus.

Knock, knock, who's there?

Hello?

Santa Claus.

What?

Someone knocked.

Someone knocked.

Oh, I didn't hear it.

That was eerie.

Yeah, it was crazy how that happened.

He seriously said knock.

He said knock, knock as someone knock, knock.

I don't think anyone knocked.

Peter, was that you?

No.

I didn't hear that.

Hello?

Come in.

Come in.

Hey.

Hi.

Not right now.

Later?

Okay.

All right, thank you.

Thank you.

Don't forget, Exterminators.

Get an Exterminator.

Yeah, you got to get one.

But not the Nazi bugs.

That's so funny.

I'm the Exterminator.

And by bugs, I mean the AIDS vibe.

It's a great role as John Goodman in Arachnophobia.

Oh, the best.

As the cocky exterminator.

Yeah, the cocky exterminator.

Showing up with all the bug shit.

And then he gets fucked up.

Doesn't he go to the barn and get got?

Yeah, he did.

He gets killed.

He gets got, dude.

He's good at being fat in that.

That was like the.

Skinny John Goodman bugs me.

Oh, yeah.

It's like right-wing Roseanne.

Well, because he's one of those fat people that made it to old age somehow.

Yeah.

Well, it's also like he's iconic.

And they're like, yeah,

you can't be 800 pounds in 90.

Yeah, you can't do that.

But he also was like the fat guy.

No.

He was like,

watch me, friend.

Yeah.

I'm going to do my best.

Goddamn, King Ralph.

He probably bumped off the rest of the fat guys.

Yeah.

You find the conspiracy?

Yeah, yeah.

Candy off of Farley.

Goodman was murdering everyone.

They do the thing with the corkboard and the string where you see Lushi's.

You see him in every background of a picture.

Chris Farley.

Farley.

We're going to say Will Sasso died.

Will Sasso's the man.

He's the last.

He's been for years.

Dude, he's the last Ronin.

But we'll just say.

He's the last Ronin.

Sasso's my guy.

He's the last ever Ronin.

I love Will Sasso.

Are you friends with him?

We'll DM once in a while.

So so there's something going on there.

Don't Brian Sander this.

Yeah.

Don't Brian Sanders.

Me and Will Sasso are gay Nazis.

Yeah, something going on.

What up?

Yeah, you guys are.

I see what you're saying.

You don't want you, Brian Singer, me.

You're Brian Singer, ain't me.

No, I remember

when you lost weight on Mad TV.

You remember that?

Yeah, when he came back skinny.

He came back skinny.

So I thought it was Goodman.

And then, when, well, they did that sketch where he's like, I can still be funny, even though I'm not funny.

And it's just bombing.

He's fucking just eating all the food.

That's a good show, dude.

I wonder what would happen if Goodman came back fat.

Yeah, you'd feel like everything.

You know, he's like fucking 78 years old.

Dude, so what?

Is Jonathan Winters still alive?

No, he died.

They have him in a tube like Walt Disney.

Yeah, yeah.

He was like, Jonathan Winters was the original.

It was the OG.

The OG fat guy.

Fat, sassy, fat and sassy.

Midwestern.

Yeah, Jonathan Winters is.

Proper white.

Proper white.

Proper white.

Bread white.

Bread white.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Middle of the country white.

I remember my dad rented It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World for me.

Yeah.

And he was like, This is the funniest movie of all time.

Did you translate?

I was like, Rat Race is way better, bro.

Rat Race is much better.

I was like, Rat Race kills this.

My dad showed me.

He pissed at me.

He yelled at me.

Really?

Yeah, he was like, this is better than Rat Race.

I was like, Rat Race is so much better.

Rat Race is much better.

My dad put on Blazing Saddles, and he was right.

That it's bad?

The only thing I remember from that movie is the N-word.

That's the only thing I remember from the S-word.

The N-part's still very funny.

They got some great punchlines with the movie.

They realized that the new sheriff is a dole.

The funniest N-word is when...

That joke should be in every movie.

Every movie should have that scene in it.

The funniest part is when after he beats Mongo with the candy gram, and the old lady comes by with the pie, and she goes, sorry about that whole up and eat.

thing.

And he goes, oh, it's okay, miss.

And then there's a beat, and she comes back, and she goes, You'll have the decency.

It's crazy the audacity.

You'll have the decency not to tell anybody.

The audacity of those comedy writers in the 1970s.

Mel Brooks.

That was Richard Pryor.

Those comedy writers in the 1970s, just 10 years after

the civil rights movement, to be like, Yeah, it's okay to say this stuff.

Yeah, we

have to fight.

There's barely been any time they're like, Yep, nope, society's fixed.

Time to just blast.

It was prior.

The N-word.

It was prior Mel Brooks wrote that movie.

There's a lot of stuff that's there's like N-words in the 70s.

A A lot of

80s, early 80s.

Yeah.

Eddie Murphy shit.

Yeah.

Where they were just like, yeah, we can throw it around.

For whatever else.

The SNL Robert Goulet sketch.

Oh, yeah.

Ferrell just drops it in front of Jay-Z Benny Siegel in Memphis Blue.

Yeah, he was doing the Thong song as Robert Goulet.

Very funny.

And he like lays into it.

Yeah, not too long ago.

I mean, 90s.

Yeah, 90s.

Late 90s.

Yeah.

And it's crazy.

The way he says the words is that it's not.

It's crazy that there wasn't wasn't pushback against taking it away from comedians.

Now it's like comics will get very upset.

They'll be like, oh, this is PC culture.

This is cancel culture that's not letting me do the same joke about like, oh, what are your pronouns?

Like, that's the hill everybody wants to die on.

Where it seems to me, taking the N-word away from us,

that would have been the line for me.

Let's put it this way.

If we had the N, if we had it, let's say we already got it as comedians,

we got it.

What would you trade for it?

Well, I know that we gave that one up without a fight.

That we were just out here just being like, hey, Robin Williams is like, what's this thing?

The fucking genie from Aladdin.

He's just the genie.

He's just pepper.

It's funny.

It's funny.

That movie would have been a wild ride.

Somehow.

If that blue guy would have came out and taken away from us.

And by us, I don't mean white guys.

I mean comedians.

Sure.

It got taken away from us.

And without a fight.

And now suddenly everybody's, oh, you can't say this anymore, you can't say that.

And it's like, well, the stuff you're saying sucks.

It's not funny.

No.

The N-word is hilarious.

When used properly, as proven by Def Jam comedians.

Yes.

I mean, I would say it's.

And Robert Goulet.

And Robert Goulet shouting.

It's wild that he shouted it.

It could be like this is sort of maybe a Schrodinger's cat sort of thing.

Yeah.

It's like, would it be so funny if you could?

Probably not.

It's the forbidden fruit.

You know, when you go on vacation with your friends, you have a weekend, you're at a beach house, and maybe it's like

16 hours go by.

True.

And then

somebody just goes in the, somebody gets like, you know, there's like, maybe they have Maxwell house

in the rental.

You know, that's like the coffee they have there.

And you're like, what the hell is this?

Boop, coffee.

And everyone's, everyone dies.

They're like, come on.

Come on.

Come on.

I know.

And then come on, we're in Delaware.

And And then say, baby, hour 27, it's fucking just flying.

It's just going.

It's just dripping off the wall all the time.

And then it's

right.

And then it's like, it's like, and then it's

day three or four.

Yeah, you got to tighten your belt because you're like, oh, we've been saying, I feel like I've said the N-word way too much.

You're hungover.

It's so bad.

Well, we still have like not, it's like there's like still too many entamins left.

Yeah.

You know, and you're like, do I got to...

And then I guess I'll eat it for breakfast.

I got to have a donut for breakfast.

Because you take a break.

But then you take a break.

Then you're having coffee the next morning.

And somebody goes, oh, you got a cup of that

coffee.

No, it's on the drive back.

You've checked out of the Airbnb and you're like, wow, that place was great.

And you're like leaving the review for the host.

And you're like, what if I just called him this?

And everyone's like, ah,

or you're returning the car.

Yeah, right.

And you go, you know, like I said, it's fill up.

Boom.

Yeah,

yeah, yeah.

You're going, hey, what if instead of budget, rent a car, or just called boo, rent a car, and then that's just what instead of Target?

Yeah, it was called boo.

You're going nuts.

Yeah, right.

You're going fucking nuts.

Right.

And then it comes back, and then, and then, and maybe

you left one in your suitcase.

Yeah, right.

And you're having a nice dinner with your fiancé.

And you go, oh, you know what he said?

He said, what if it wasn't Target?

What if it was boo?

And she doesn't laugh.

She's like, what are you doing?

And you're like, we were at the beach.

It was Dewey Beach.

We were at the beach for a weekend.

And it was Folgers.

We got a little carried away.

It was Maxwell House.

It was Maxwell's house.

It started off at the Maxwell House.

Look, I would never say it.

I would never say it.

I love that your cousin married.

Yeah.

That guy's awesome.

That guy's so cool.

It's awesome.

There's nothing.

But then like to act like, you know.

No, it was funny because

he wouldn't say.

Why would he say it?

Because Mike wouldn't say that about them.

But it's funny that he said it.

It's funny because he's talking about coffee.

Whatever.

I'm not going to be able to do it.

You know what?

I shouldn't even have fucking.

Don't go fucking eat in the guest room.

Yeah.

I could have cheated.

The only thing we have in common is your pussy.

I'm sorry I said that.

I'm sorry.

You know what?

I gotta go.

I'm gonna go get a coffee.

No.

But yeah, you know, that's how it is.

Yeah, that's exactly how it is.

And back in the 70s, it was like that, except on

TV.

Exactly.

A writer's room.

On TV.

They'd go like, guys, guys, guys.

You got off track.

And on every TV.

This is Sesame Street.

But if you're watching, you'd probably be watching General Hospital.

And they go, whoa.

You didn't need to call him that.

Yeah, he's like picking up the syringe.

He's like, what's this filled with?

Boom.

He's like, hey, can I get two

GGs?

I need 50 GGs of

grape soda for that.

Oh, my God, doctor.

Doctor, you can't say that.

He's like, I'm just kidding.

The civil rights movement happened 10 years ago.

This is his future.

Of course, I'm not serious.

Remember the civil rights movement?

My socks are still wet from those fires.

I meant it six years prior to this

but then i grew my hair out

i wouldn't say it around

i wouldn't say it around jim brown of course i'm not racist i have sideburns

look at me i have a full beard it's 1973 how could i possibly be racist i had unless i have gay sex i have gay sex with my neighbor i couldn't be racist

not a nazi

but to some extent it being on tv makes the beach house less special you know what I mean?

The beach house is the one place you can while out.

If it's on TV, then it's like less.

You're saying like dessert.

You're saying the same argument.

What I'm saying is it's like, yeah, yeah.

The beach house,

it creates a sanctity of the beach house.

You know, if it's just all willy-nilly, you know,

Jewish comedians are saying it on television.

It's less.

It's less special.

How many do you think Jewish comedians were like, yeah, but I'm Jewish.

Let me get that.

That is the worst one that they could get.

That is the worst one.

That's always a losing.

That's just like a loser.

Yeah, we're black.

Oh, stop it.

I think they should start saying it over in Israel.

I think if that, like, honestly, like, they've tried everything PR-wise and they're just losing bad.

Yeah.

Every time.

If Netanyahu was like, what's up, boo?

What's up?

Oh, y'all, boo, about to find out.

All these guys are boo.

Soft A.

Whoa.

Soft A.

Then it would be an entirely different argument because then you would lose a Western audience because then they wouldn't be talking about the genocide.

They'd be blinded by he's using the N-word.

He's like, yo, all these raffas.

And then they can.

All these boopy raffas.

Yeah, right, exactly.

They're going to stay intense.

Yeah.

And how many boops styles outdated too?

He's going to like rock aware and

bigo stuff.

Big trials,

guest jeans.

He's just got

a side ass.

Yeah, no, he's got the sweatband, the

Nelly sweatband.

Oh, just fat watches.

Yeah, baby G-shock on.

They go, a ceasefire has been caused,

called for, because these boop, they don't want to see us go to the streets.

No, it would confuse people so much they wouldn't know.

I think you just solved it.

I know.

That would be a real hail.

For them.

It wouldn't solve anything.

There would still be a genocide happening.

Yeah.

Children would still be being murdered.

Yeah, which I don't know if I could say that.

I might go to jail.

I don't know.

I think you go to jail now if you say it's a genocide.

Dude, watching the cops move in on Columbia last night.

You know,

that seems like that's really going to work.

That's a great idea.

Let's arrest 300 students.

That'll really get people to stop hating Israel.

Good job.

Guys, problem fixed.

They're all sitting in jail right now going, you know what?

I learned my lesson.

It's not a genocide.

I don't like it in here.

Yeah, it's, you know what?

You're correct.

We should send them more money.

They're great.

They're great guys.

Also, for camping?

Like, what were they doing?

Where did those tents come from?

Yeah.

That's what my dad said to me on the phone.

R.E.I.?

He said, there's a lot of money going into those tents.

He literally said that on the phone.

You know what?

I was like, what are you talking about?

As someone that's from Colorado, I will tell you.

This is your milieu.

Those are, I know the, I know the gear.

You know that model.

Those are sleeping six comfortably.

Soros is dropping like

Soros.

Someone's behind that.

Soros is.

You got big money behind those tentes.

Soros is getting some.

Follow the tent money.

Yeah, some of them.

I feel like Soros is like, you know, was it Island of Dr.

Moreau where he is the human chess pieces?

Yeah.

That's all Soros is doing.

He's a guy with so much money.

He's like, I just want to see people fight.

He's like, I don't have any agenda.

What are you talking about?

No.

Dude,

if I could get my rocks off at the PlayStation, I wouldn't be doing that.

Exactly.

No, I'm going to fund both sides and cause people to fight.

I'm going to make Kyle Richardson.

I feel like they all do that.

They just make like these poor, they just whip poor people into a frenzy.

Yeah, turn them against each other, and then they go, this shit's better than TV.

Yeah,

I'm the kind of rich now.

My aspirations are like the Empire State Building Lego set, rich.

That's sick.

Having that kind of money and time.

Yeah.

Where I'm just.

Yeah.

I want to download Uncharted on my Steam Deck.

Dude, those games are amazing.

They're so sick.

The first one, actually,

number one sucks.

Two through four.

Second is supposed to be the best.

Two, three, and four are rules.

I like the first one a lot.

And I didn't.

Too much of a regression.

A regression?

Like, from the games, like, how they nailed the puzzle solving and the action in 2-3 and 4 of Uncharted?

Yeah.

Or unbelievable.

Well, I played the first one first.

That's why.

Yeah.

Because

I played E3 first.

I got the collection for PS4 because everyone's like, Uncharted 3 is the best.

I'm like, well, I got to play the other ones.

I don't want to not know what's happening.

Yeah, I started at 3 like an idiot.

Because a fan gave me a code.

A fan of mine worked at PlayStation.

He's like, here's the download code.

What do you mean worked at PlayStation?

Wow, what a brand new.

He worked at PlayStation in San Diego.

You know what's crazy?

There's a company called the Pokemon Company that you can work for.

Who's worked for Pokemon?

That's the name of the company.

It's not like fucking.

It's not like.

And I don't think he worked for PlayStation as much as he worked for the developer that was Sony.

Naughty Dog is the name of the.

Yeah, I think he worked for Naughty Dog in San Diego.

Which I played a bit of

the.

What is the zombie one?

No, no, no.

That's the one we're talking about.

Yeah, we're talking about it on Charlotte.

The Last of Us.

Oh, that's great.

I played one.

I didn't play two.

Well, I started playing one, and then I found out that they,

the Last of Us part one, is like the remake, like the good remake.

Yeah.

And so I stopped playing it because I'm like, well, I just want to play that one then.

I'll play the new one.

Yeah.

Were they updated it?

I was playing the streaming one on like

the cloud.

Yeah.

Whatever.

No, you got to get.

Last of us is great.

I haven't played Last of Us 2, but I just got done.

I'm still playing a little bit Sifu, this Kung Fu game.

Okay.

And it's fucking fun.

I played Battlefield 1.

Basically, it's just Battlefield 1.

Yeah.

It's always funny to find out who plays what games.

Yeah.

Shane plays gay shit.

No, he plays like military strategy too.

No, yeah, he plays.

He plays like Simon St.

Steve.

Well, he plays the military version.

He does like Age of Empire.

Yeah, he's like, yeah, Age of Empire.

That game's awesome.

Napoleon's like fucking roller coaster tycoon.

He's playing Waterloo City.

He's like, what are you doing?

He's like, you can't attack in the winter.

What if we had the biggest revolution?

I had a pig that's like just Madden.

No, he's good at Madden.

We play when I at Skank Fest, he was there a day early, and then I showed up, and I went into his hotel room, and he was playing like one of those where he's like, no, I have a battle right now.

And I was like, what?

And it was like the thing where you put the pieces.

I was like, what are you doing?

The Soros.

He's

Desoros.

Shane's made too much money.

And he's going to do that too.

Because you know, because he's getting there.

He's making that kind of money.

We're going to start turning people against him.

And if he's already comic, if he's already playing fucking like little human chess, he's got Le Mera and Gardini up right now.

Shane is three years away from making Le Mer gay.

He's like, go down there.

Go down there and say, fuck Israel.

I'll give you a tip.

One of those head things comic.

Yeah, you can go down there and say, I'm black and I hate Israel.

Yeah,

do it.

Do it, dude.

And if you tell him.

Or you're gay.

Yeah.

He's like, all right, I guess I don't.

I don't know.

That was almost.

I love LeMera.

I don't know.

Okay, I guess I'll do it, Shane.

That sounds like a great impression.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know if he's retarded Asian.

Retarded Asian.

Go down there and pretend to have Down syndrome and say, I'm Down syndrome, and I'm black.

Dude,

dude, yeah.

Which one of our friends is going to have Soros money?

I think Shane might be.

Nate has it.

Nate has Soros money.

Yeah.

Nate could be like, I want you to go.

I want you to go bomb something.

But is he like that, though?

Yeah.

He's just going to buy haircuts.

It's just like, yeah, I'm getting each haircut.

You know what he's going to buy?

He's going to buy a hoverboard and think it's modern?

No, I got a guy that comes by and he cuts each hair.

He goes, one by one.

I pay him

by hand.

I got the world's smallest scissors made.

And this guy, it's the only one guy that can use it.

They shrunk a guy down and he lives in my hair.

You know, Willy Wonka, how they go across the room?

It's like that.

He's got a picture.

He paid $80 million to have tiny men like.

Dude, I never thought that Nate is Willy Wonka-rich.

He's just going to do a bunch of stuff where he's got a cane and fake trips.

He can make a bunch of kids die in this factory.

He goes, it's fun, man.

My joke factory.

I made a fat German boy die.

And I paid his dad off.

I paid off his dad.

Singer style.

Yeah.

I made this bitch turn into a blueberry.

I remember doing a podcast, doing like one of my podcasts with Lewis and Tim.

Yeah.

And fucking Lewis.

Oh, yeah, Bastard Radio.

Yeah, it was one of the, maybe it was just real-ass podcasts.

But, like, I think, and I don't recall, and then somebody's probably going to fact-check me on this, but I remember Lewis being like, we can make $10 million off like comedy.

And I was like, it's not going to happen, dude.

We're not not going to make $10 million.

And then, yeah, and then, you know, Tim's like, it's not going to fucking happen.

And Lewis is like, I promise you, I'll make $10 million.

I mean, Tim laughed at him.

And now Lewis is nowhere close to making $10 million.

But Tim has $10 million.

He's surpassing.

Tim not only did it, Tim took Lewis's dream and floated to the top.

That's a great idea, Lewis.

He goes, Lewis,

and so it shall be done.

Lewis.

Yeah.

This is my original idea that

Lewis has sharper image money.

Yeah.

Where he goes, what if a chair could hug you?

Yeah.

Dude, what if a back massager had an alarm clock in it?

I thought that Lewis really does his sharper image brain.

He goes, goggles.

Yeah.

See like Mount Rushmore.

But you're like an image finder?

So it's like all the gear for a grill.

It's got lasers.

It's laser-guided grill brushes.

Check the meat template.

Yeah, your phone tells you.

Oh, yeah, I guess you could do that.

That would be something.

I was imagining more guiding the fork into the.

He's like, do you have a Brookstone?

So I got this all.

So, yeah, I was on my way to Denver to do Comedy Works.

I spent $10,000 at the Brookstone in the airport.

Whoever started Sharper Image goes, we'll sink the idiots with money.

It's a trap for idiots with money.

Right, yeah.

New vote.

Your uncle.

Your fat-necked uncle will come in here and be so tired from walking around.

He's a high-tech backyard.

He'll walk around with this stupid family in the mall, and then he'll land here and want to massage.

Oh, it's got to be nice.

It's called Brookstone.

That sounds like the name of a sub-development for billions.

Do you know what's funny?

Is they turned around and named chocolate raspberries and acai's Brookstone to grab the same

demo.

Have you ever had Brookstone chocolate acai?

I had acai one time in my life and then I realized oh this is

and I don't like I didn't I thought I was getting like a grains bowl no that's like it's like yeah it's like frozen yogurt I went into an acai place because I'm like oh I hear this is healthy and then I was just eating dessert for lunch and I was like this

oh it's Brookside I was wrong

but they got it so like Brookside but you know they're going for Brookstone that's like they're going they're hoping you miss you remember Sharper Image though right absolutely I remember Sharper Image Sharper Image was that was that was the place in the mall where you'd go like I'm gonna go sit down they got that was one, they had to, as soon as the recession hit, they were like, oh, we're done.

It's a wrestler.

There's no way.

There is no way this business survives any kind of.

That was 100% for drug money.

Yeah.

Well, it's just for America having too much.

No, no, he's right.

It's for a guy that sold weed and he was.

He's like, I don't know what I'm going to do.

And then all of the stuff.

If you already bought the volcano, then you need the

fish tank laser.

What if we just do it for older people?

And everyone went, that's a fucking genius idea.

A volcano for older people.

Yeah, that's it.

It was all the stuff for people that had to stop smoking weed.

It smokes your medicine for you.

Yeah, that's it.

It smells like your blood pressure.

It smokes vitamins.

It's fucking brilliant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Vaporize your diabetes medicine.

Yeah, your insulin.

You can suck down your insulin.

Dude,

I'm ripping the insulin.

I'm fine.

Just watch the whole bag puff up.

Dude, I hit a bag of insulin the other day.

I'm ready.

I can eat.

Dude, I got headies.

I checked.

I I got fucking headies.

My brain is whomping.

Yeah.

She's like, I took too much insulin.

I love that.

Yeah, I guess it is those guys that start making too much money at 19 from flipping weed and then have a kid, have a son that they would die for.

I would die for him.

I would die for him.

Yeah.

I'm going to put all my money in Sharper Image.

Yeah, they're still fucking 14-year-old girls.

It's a singer plan, dude.

The singer stopped.

Yeah.

It's a singer roadmap.

I got to get into something.

Battlefield 1 is just too good.

I rediscovered it recently because I played it a lot in 2016.

Do you play Battlefield 1?

Is it third person or first person?

It's first person.

Don't do first person.

Gives me the.

It's World War I.

These are all like bolt-action rifles.

Yeah.

This is the most fun.

This is the most satisfying thing in a game.

Iron sights on a bolt-action rifle and shooting somebody in the fucking head, and you can't even see them.

They're just like a little dot on the other side of the map.

Trench Warfare?

Blink.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is there mustard gas and shit?

Yeah.

Yeah, there's gas.

That does sound fun.

If they did third-person, I'd be all in it.

There's barbed wire everywhere.

He's

fucked up on the barbed wire.

It shows you how stupid I am, but I like third-person games.

That makes sense.

What was the Xbox One, Gears of War?

Yeah.

Gears of War was great.

Yeah.

Where you had the giant suit?

I don't remember.

Maybe there was a suit.

He had huge.

It was like a space suit.

It came for free.

I bought an Xbox 360, and I think Gears of War 3 came for free with it.

That's exactly it.

And I remember playing it and not knowing any of the backstory.

I was like, this is the dumbest.

Like,

the characters' names were stupid.

Yeah.

Like, Marcus Penis, isn't that the guy?

It was all names of guys that have barbed wire tattoos around their biceps.

Right, yeah, exactly.

It was all like a 47-year-old guy at the gym hoping people think he's on steroids.

They want to ask him what he's doing.

He doesn't reduce steroids.

He just wants people to think he's not going to be able to do it.

He wants everyone.

He doesn't want to get fat enough.

If I wear a flame beanie and I get fat enough, people are going going to think I'm on steroids.

And if I take a supplement.

Yeah, right.

And then they can ask me about my supplements.

Yeah.

Uncharted is what I'm rediscovering.

I played Wogue Spider-Man.

You should play Battlefield.

Wogue Spider-Man.

Miles Morales?

Yeah, yeah.

It's good if you played Spider-Man 2?

I played both.

Spider-Man 2 is great.

He was so stressed out trying to get into hip-hop college, and his deaf girlfriend was doing her graffiti.

She was like, I don't know, Ben.

This should be an Ian Fidance game, dude.

A what?

An Ian Fidance game.

Being eaten.

That'd be awesome.

Where you suck a trans and then they get mad at you.

It would be awesome if he got a deal where some company decided to work with him and he's doing a whole he's like the road to my video game comes out.

And he's like turning it into content and then it comes out and it's the worst game.

She's terribly programmed.

She's unplayable.

Yeah, your PlayStation burns.

Yeah, you go smoke comes out.

The ska level has been

the worst.

That's what happens when your PlayStation melts down.

It's like, boom, boom, boom.

Yeah, yeah.

The sky level has been described as the worst video game seen.

Yeah, it gives people seizures.

It's so funny.

And

it takes two years.

And he's up there.

Just down here at Rockstar Santa Monica.

I was like, dude, we're working on the Ian game, and I'm, dude,

don't plug it into a PowerShell.

I'm just blessed and amazed to be able to experience this super cool stuff in my life.

It's awesome.

There's a class action lawsuit.

He just goes out of his face.

I like

his external appearance is like a guy that's excited with the journey.

The reality is a man that's barely hanging on.

And then he's just.

You're saying he's the kid poster?

Yeah, right.

He's like a guy in the camps eating a dried rat that he's hidden from the guards.

And he's closing his eyes and imagining it's a cheeseburger.

In his mind, he's like partying.

It's like, you know what?

And people from the outside see the fantasy.

Yeah.

They see the fantasy where they're like, oh my God, he's got podacious babes around him.

This guy's like happy.

Is he in a convertible eating a cheeseburger?

Yeah, and he's like working and enjoying the process.

But then you just hear the heavy boots of a Nazi soldier walking around outside.

If you put him in a room that was like airtight and there was silence for longer than 30 seconds, I think his skull would implode.

It would just

be a singularity.

Just Matthew McConaughey would come out.

All right, man, that's how I'm bored.

Kind of like alien.

Is that my daughter?

He goes, oh, man i'm gonna tell you right now i sucked him off and i got a problem interstellar was on tv the other day and i'm watching well you know what i noticed too is like you know how they have those just the block robots yeah um at one point in the movie matthew mcconaughe does the matthew mcconaughey close talking to one of the the block robots yeah where they get him like over the robot shoulder he's like do you mean to tell me that we don't have any way to get down to that planet but it's just a block

he's like just doing the like close talking do you think think when he eventually goes

when he goes crazy when he's like 80, he'll just be doing that to apply and he's he's already crazy.

But I'm saying like when he truly loses it and they can't put him out in public.

I guess

he's going to lose.

He's going to be Eugene Carroll.

He'll be Busey.

No, he'll be E.

Gene Carroll.

You think?

Yeah.

He has the same

kind of story.

Donald Trump.

I wasn't burnt off Goodman.

Yeah.

And it was shit shit.

We were in the back of the radio shack.

They do have the same voice.

We were in the back of the radio shack.

he he said i said to him why you know i was writing for snl this is my favorite part of the story she goes i was writing for snl for the time at the time so i said you know why don't why don't i tell donald trump to put on a bathing suit i thought that would be so funny to watch donald trump put on a women's bathing suit but she does it says it in the context of i was working at snl yeah like lauren goes i kind of like that sketch yeah how about how about how about this guy she just comes in the radio and he goes he goes she pitches a bad idea

she's like she's like how about this for a sketch idea?

We do Jimmy Carter, and

he can't get the hostages, but I don't know, something in there.

And then Lauren goes, wow, yeah, really funny.

How about we do you getting raped in a dressing room?

Next time you're going to pitch me a sketch, it better be because Donald Trump raped you in a dressing room.

Here's an even better sketch idea.

I got one for you.

Donald Trump raping you in a

department store.

E.G.

boring.

How about you ask Donald Trump to put on a bathing suit and maybe get raped?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's the E stand for?

Extremely raped by Donald Trump?

They're just roasted when she comes back.

Yeah, yeah.

Erin Air Wart

couldn't hit one of those buttons on the thing, on the tag.

Wow, it took a while to go shopping.

Did somebody get raped in the dressing room, perhaps?

This is a mean girl.

This is a bully girl.

It makes sense because that's what they always say with SNL is like.

Gossips.

That very thing where he goes, hey, everybody, look who's back from Bergdorf Goodman.

What happened?

Did you get raped by a businessman?

I rolled.

Anyways, we got sushi, but we ate most of it

because you were out getting raped.

Why did you say that?

She's like, wow, thanks.

Oh, well, there I was.

Well, I wouldn't describe it that way.

It was more of a fight.

We sort of fought each other.

It was a tanglement, like two rams.

Yeah.

Bucking into each other.

Is she from Texas?

What is that?

Is it just doing her being Matthew McConaughey?

It's hilarious.

Yeah, her and Ron White.

And she was

dead.

Trump rapped?

I drove 45 hours to get ragged

in the Bergdorf Goodman.

You ever have presidents cock up your ass?

He goes, that'll give you a little U.S.

evaluation.

I said, okay, I'll vote for the Democrats.

I said, sure.

I was right.

Okay.

Dude, Ron White doing fucking Bergdorf Goodman Raven.

I was right.

Yeah, I got some crazy stories.

And he wiped his penis of my butt cheeks.

You ever heard shit come?

You ever have a man wipe your butt cheeks with his cock?

I don't know if you know how deep butt cheeks are.

You ever have a man use his cock-like toilet paper in your ass?

It's called a credit card shit.

It's like, hey, I've had a dipstick rubbed on my forearm, but I've never had a cock rubbed on my butt cheeks.

Lost his mind.

And that's why they call it.

He's just a guy in the biggest hat you've ever seen, just not laughing.

I paid for this.

We messed up.

I paid for this.

I thought he was the good one.

I thought Ron would say just

I thought George Soros, Ron White.

Honestly, I haven't checked in since the blue-collar comedy tour.

I thought we were coming to see transphobic hate speech.

I had no idea that he was.

I thought he still had his four-seam fastball.

I had no idea that he just thinks he's.

He really went off the reservation.

Oh, fuck.

Dude, I can't wait to watch all the transporters.

All right, well, go join it, bro.

Thanks for joining us.

I will be at Helium in Philadelphia.

We just added a show on May 16th.

Thursday night late show.

That's in a couple of weeks.

We sell that one out.

Then maybe we'll add a Sunday show.

But 16th through the 18th, everything's gone except Thursday late.

Please come out to that.

And also,

just announced for a pre-sale Boston, the Wilbur Theater, and the Lincoln Theater in D.C.

in September.

That'll be the weekend of

the 29th, I think.

28th, 29th.

I'm in one or the other or something.

But you can check it out at my website, molda.dog slash live-dash shows.

Thanks.

Where are you?

Grand Rapids, Dr.

Grins, May 16th through the 18th.

And then I will be at Columbus Funnybone May 31st and June 1st.

And then I'm on the

Burt Kreischer fully loaded tour.

And then

Addison Improv.

So let me ask you this.

When you're like, you're doing the shows that Burt tour, he's not on stage.

You're just in the back.

Phone hang.

Is his shirt on?

Yeah.

it's off, okay.

All right, you never know what you're getting.

Yeah, wow, a little column, eh?

A little column.

I want to know what the rate is.

But he is, I've explained that.

I've said this.

I've said this to Bert's face.

He's blank check.

Remember the Disney movie Blank Check?

Yeah, Mr.

McIntosh.

The thing with Bert is like, I love that movie.

The joke is taking his shirt off.

It's a pop.

But I see it.

It's kind of like it's listening.

I see him.

I see him so often with his shirt off.

It's like, does the shirt ever come off?

Because if he just starts off with the shirt off, I don't understand what's happening.

You don't have it.

You don't have the angle right.

Yeah.

It's Hulk Hogan tearing his shirt off.

Yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

But I'd never.

But you see Hulk Hogan with the shirt off all the time.

I know, but you see him tearing the shirt off.

But the tearing the shirt off is what gets the bad thing.

Did Trish get out of here?

But when does that happen with Bert?

Because it seems like.

At the beginning of the show.

So he takes the shirt off.

He comes out, dude.

It's a pop.

So the shirt's on when he comes out.

And then he tears it off.

How many minutes in?

Right off the top, dude.

That's his opener.

Boom.

Get into it.

Sure.

But here's the other thing that I don't understand.

Anytime I've seen a picture of Bert Kreischer with his shirt off, his hat is still on.

I don't

dude, he does the shirt with the hat still on.

Wow.

What?

How?

Buy a ticket.

You want to hear Bertick and see it.

Bert, I'm going to give you a little bit of advice, right?

And I think this is a big move.

Big move for Bert is if he could figure out a way to, instead of tearing the shirt off, have it suck it into his own asshole.

Just like one of those bank dupes.

Yeah, y'all ready to party?

Just rips it off.

And then backstage, you got to pull it out.

Yeah, he's like, I call that the Eugene Carol.

Which is why?

And you know what?

We're going to do it as a cold opening.

Yeah.

That's going to be our cold opening.

Yeah, live from New York.

I got ripped.

All right, guys.

Thanks for watching.

I'm in Spokane in July.

There are more dates to be announced.

I think I'm going to do a special in the fall.

Do it, dude.

Do it.

I hope

you want to come?

Do it.

You want to do the set for me?

Do it.

All right, thanks a lot, guys.

Bye.

Peace.

Dreaming of buying your first car or new home?

Knowing your FICO score is the first step to making it real.

With My FICO, you can check your score for free, and it won't hurt your credit.

You'll get your FICO score, full credit reports, and real-time alerts all in one simple app.

Your credit score is more than just numbers.

It's the key to building the future you've been working toward.

Visit myfico.com slash free or download the MyFICO app and take the mystery out of your FICO score.

You want your master's degree.

You know you can earn it, but life gets busy.

The packed schedule, the late nights, and then there's the unexpected.

American Public University was built for all of it.

With monthly starts and no set login times, APU's 40-plus flexible online master's programs are designed to move at the speed of life.

You bring the fire, we'll fuel the journey.

Get started today at apu.apus.edu.