The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ian Fidance - Episode 51

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Welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast.

It's right here.

Look at that snot.

It's not snot, dude.

People, people are.

I never had to suck on wood, but I know someone who has.

Ian Fidance, everyone, will come up to me after that.

Promoting his new special.

What's it called?

Ian Fidance Wild, Happy, and Free.

God damn.

Yes, available on YouTube.

Is that a reference to something?

Live, laugh, low.

What is I am?

I'm wild, I'm happy, and I'm free.

Come on.

And as a gift, what's the name of your special?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

And as a gift, I brought you guys matchbooks, promotional.

You didn't let me know.

It's got my little Ghostbuster logo.

This is a reference to Ghostbusters.

That's the funny thing.

It's a reference.

Yeah, it's an homage.

It's an homage.

Have you seen it?

I think something's wrong with my brain because I feel like everything I just have deja vu constantly.

Every word that's spoken,

everything anybody says to me, I'm like, is this

supposed to be a reference to something?

Yeah.

It is.

You picked up on it.

I will be.

I'll be like, you know, I'm glad you're here.

Thank you.

I'm glad I'm here too.

The man who single-handedly destroyed Joe Rogan.

Yeah, has ruined the Rogan bump.

That is no longer a thing anymore.

It used to make a career.

It did.

And now you've destroyed that action.

He was the biggest name in media.

And then apparently

you went on there and you were saying

minorities or criminals or something what were you talking about what you were talking about migrants uh trying to give sex changes to kids or something oh sorry i went on to speak the truth i saw something on no i didn't you misinformed fucking gross human look i brought you guys i'm not gross you gave me a matchbook that's not a good gift you're well i brought you other gifts

what's it called it's a match box adam it's not a match book yeah it's a match it's a box of matches for my special a match book is smaller That's the kind of thing they give out for free at bars.

People don't give these out for free.

These are for like

bar mitzvah or something.

Like nice gifts.

Yeah, that's right.

And it's a gift.

Let's see what else you bring.

Can you imagine?

I imagine having a cigar-themed bar mitzvah.

And you give out that Jewish boy kind of gifts.

Yeah, right.

And you give out matches for your...

Well, I know.

What else do you bring?

Of course, we're just joking around.

Ian's our best friend.

It's great to have you back.

It's nice to be on the back of the bag.

The last couple of times I've been on the show was when daddy was away.

You can't light them.

You can't.

These are fake cigarettes because I always smoke on the podcast, and then me and Nicholas talked, and I said I wouldn't do it, so I got you guys fake cigarettes.

Why do you listen to him?

I asked him, I don't respect him.

He was gone.

I was gone.

I was gone.

Guess what?

I come back to.

Adams ripped one of the buttons off the chair.

No, I didn't.

No, I didn't.

Do you have to be babysat at all times?

I also got.

Look at it.

Look at it.

Look what happened here.

Adam.

It's like a $14,000 chair.

You have no spine.

You know that, Ian.

You have no spine.

And you have no penis.

I can see through your clothes.

You know I have no school.

You know that's not true.

You don't even have a pussy.

You have less.

You're like a Ken doll.

You have less.

Yeah, what are the hottest sexuality than even a child?

Why am I the Ian on the podcast right now?

Because it's how things go.

Now,

I also got you a little gift, Adam.

Okay.

No, you won't.

What is it?

I got you Peius.

A Peius wig from the joke store next door.

Why are they silver?

Because he's an old soul.

Oh, okay.

I like that.

That's the first nice thing you've said.

Put those on.

Do I look like Little Bo Peep a little bit?

I actually wore Peius on the inaugural episode.

Take the tag off.

Oh, you left the price on.

Oh, my bad.

Yeah, I did spend a pretty penny on this.

Where are you coming from?

Where were you before this?

No, no, no.

Obviously.

Oh, I did Are you Garbage this morning?

No, but I mean, like, were you on the road recently?

Oh, yeah, Chicago.

Chicago's anes.

It was awesome.

What did you do in Chicago?

We don't talk comedy on this podcast, but we do talk towns.

Yeah.

What did I do in Chicago?

Talk of the town is.

We're rebranding the show as Talk of the Town.

Talk of the Town of the Town.

I will say this.

I feel like

I've punished the audience enough because the criticism I despised the most in the old days was, oh, what?

You just have to talk for an hour?

How hard could that be?

So I said, okay, I will give you a year of showing you what just talking for an hour looks like.

If you want to see what that is, here it is.

This is just talking for an hour.

Now, here's the difference.

Zing.

Bam.

Zip zip.

Zom.

Bam.

Yeah.

Now I'm back

with Joe.

You think you're going to be able to do that?

I'm back to New York City.

I don't like this that you think you can come for me.

Anyways, go ahead, Nick.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I'm going to regulate right after you.

Regulate.

I will have regulated day, though.

I am not in the mood to podcast.

It's a nice day out.

It's Earth Day two.

Yesterday was Earth Day, and I would like to be outside.

Let's go outside after this.

What if we parted outside?

Well, there's no way.

We don't have the infrastructure anymore.

it'd be cool to but also it'd be cool to just hang you know the day i

my rogan episode came out i flew a kite in the park with friends absolutely when was the last time you did that it was so you and joe rogan went and flew a kite no no no he was like dude i'm gonna show you electricity is not even real

we found it's electricity is fake

he's like watch this you're just gonna blow your mind we are i had adolf hitler on last week he told me electricity is fake oh speaking of which, I got Adam this mustache.

Oh, perfect.

Please put that on.

Oh, very funny.

Yeah, it's so funny.

The Holocaust.

There you go.

So now that you've done Rogan, are you voting for RFK Jr.?

I was already going to, but now I most certainly am.

Has he done Rogan?

He must have.

He has.

Imagine listening to three hours of that.

You'd probably go deaf.

I think you would go deaf if you had to listen to RFK speak for more than an hour.

You know, in fifth grade, we voted for a kid to be president of our school because he made the morning announcements, and we all voted for him because he had a terrible voice.

And after a week, we were like, this was a horrible mistake.

Just every morning hearing a shrill.

There you go.

You impeached him?

No, we kept him.

Oh, and Nick, I got you this.

It's a raccoon's tail.

With raccoon ears.

And does it, oh, I thought it was one of those ones you put in a bag of chips.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I should have have gotten that.

That would have been great.

If I said, hey, I got you some.

You filled out a ball, you put it in a bag, you knocked the trash can over, you put the ball in it.

Your plan is backfiring once I get this tape off.

Because Nick's a cute little raccoon.

Oh, damn.

Now you're David Draymond from Disturbed.

Oh, shit.

You thought you were going to do it like that.

And the bodies hit the floor.

And that's about Gaza, that song.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, and Kabul.

And you'd have to be a little disturbed

to not recognize what's going on over there.

Professional comedian Ian Fidan is pretty good.

We're going to listen to a special.

So what's happening now at Columbia University?

They've called in the National Guard to kill the students for protesting.

Yes.

That would be, honestly, it would be.

I mean, it would be very funny.

If the army showed up and shot hundreds of Palestinian students.

They're not even Palestinian students.

I know.

They're like leather.

They're lesbian.

No.

They're just like regular

people.

They're regular students.

They're all white.

Can I go there?

Can I go and start my own protest?

You could.

Can I go to Columbia?

Columbia.

What do you protest?

I don't understand what their demands are.

I don't think they have to.

I don't think...

Do the students know that Columbia University can't.

That's what I was thinking.

I was like, they're now doing it at Yale.

They're doing it at Columbia.

I think they're starting now at NYU.

Yale is interesting because isn't Yale.

I thought Yale was the conservative school.

I thought that was forward Republicans.

It's the WASP one.

Yeah.

I would imagine they would all be pro-Japanese.

Well, my buddy goes to Columbia and he's like, I hope they protest till forever because we're getting free Chipotle.

Because the school's like, it's dangerous.

Stay on campus.

We'll give you food so you don't have to leave.

Is it possible this is all part of

this is all part of some scam.

Some Chipotle-based scam.

Is that possible?

Chipotle rebrand because Chipotle got people sick and now they are helping.

I just walked outside.

Rebrand.

It's still Chipotle.

They had.

It is.

What are you talking about?

You're the.

Okay, let's go.

How about

Todd Berry, a man named Bod Terry?

And he's a mentally disabled black guy.

And he's got great body in the 1930s.

And what would

just how about it?

I don't know.

How about that?

What would his job be?

Same.

Bod Terry?

This is Ba Terry.

I'm the most famous person on this job.

Now, are Pyro's coming back?

That's what everyone's worried about.

People are lighting themselves on fire.

There is, yeah.

That guy, he recommended Come Town on Reddit.

Shut up, really?

Yeah.

Bray said he was a true and family.

I was initially, somebody told me that over the weekend, and I was like, oh, no.

But then I realized the guy didn't, well, he's not like a mass shooter.

He just set himself on fire.

It's kind of like

an unselfish way to do that.

It's not a big jump to say that

the

Buddhist monks in Vietnam would be fans of mine if they had heard of me.

The rage against the machine.

The rage against the machine.

Yeah.

You could say that in some ways I stopped the Vietnam War.

Wouldn't it be great if they were self-immolating?

Emmolating and they just had a speaker of old come town bits playing.

That would be great.

Yeah.

I would like to shave my head, dress up like a monk, and then sit down in like a outside of a protest or something.

And then I have

a gas can with me, but then I'm just pouring diarrhea all over my body.

And I just sit there very stoically, just covered in diarrhea.

Classic snafu.

And then, um,

stinky.

And then, yeah, people are like, what's going on?

I'm like, I thought it was a gaserine.

Oh, you're still doing the accent.

Well, I'm Buddhist.

He's Buddhist.

He's getting into characters.

It's a Buddhist accent.

It's a kundun accent.

What the hell did you say?

Timothy Chalamay and Blackface over here.

The Martin Scorsese movie, Kundundune.

Have you seen that?

I've never seen a Dune.

Yeah,

that one is the racist one.

Is it?

Yeah.

Dune 2?

The one he's Kundundune.

What's that?

It's a movie, dude.

About?

Martin Lawrence.

He goes back in time.

I rewatched National Security.

Ever see that?

Martin Lawrence?

It's good, but it's not as good as Blue Streak.

I saw all those movies in the theaters.

Really?

Yeah.

I saw Jack and Jill in theaters twice.

Adam used to live in a movie.

Dave Matthews is in that movie.

Yeah.

Yeah, Alamo Draft House.

Adam was raised by a family of raccoons, and they lived in a movie theater at one point.

Does this bring you back?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's the coon theater.

That's why you saw the movie.

You thought you were going to dig on him with the raccoon tail.

No.

I don't want to dig.

Shout out to our friend Jamel Johnson.

He used to have a great bit about a raccoon tail butt plug.

What was it?

I don't remember, but it was very funny.

Excellent.

Excellent.

How am I with the pussy tickler?

That's such an amazing thing.

But now you're sucking up to Ian?

I'm not.

What do you mean?

How am I sucking up to Ian?

Yeah, you are.

By making fun of him?

By making a joke?

Now I'm sucking up to Ian.

Yeah.

Because

two people out of the millions of people that don't like you in this world happen to be sitting there.

Okay, first of all, millions is an exaggeration.

First of all, out of the hundreds of millions of people.

There's about 2,000 people who know who I am.

Helpless.

What are they odds?

And about who are

1,900?

And they're just sucking up to each other because

they just happen to notice.

Shout out to derailing the show.

And middle of it, doesn't matter.

Let's mention Jamal Johnson.

Oh, by the way,

his own joke.

Not even his own joke.

Oh, shout out, frame it as shout out to Jamel Johnson going to make a joke.

And then, what's the joke?

I don't even remember.

I don't want to do his bit.

All right, I'll do it.

I don't even.

Y'all, I've been on the Tumblrs.

They got raccoon tail butt plugs, y'all.

Uh-huh.

What are you going to do if you bring a raccoon bit

back to your undoing, by the way?

Yeah.

The joke is that she's tearing wires out of walls, and you're like, Stephanie, get inside.

And he'd change the holiday every time he'd tell the joke.

He'd be like, it's Easter.

It's Yom Kippur.

My family's here.

Adam did this bit in its entirety in Irvine over the weekend.

He was drunk and he accidentally stole the whole thing.

He's like, I think I got this new raccoon thing.

And now he's saying.

And then when people are like, he did that.

That is a terrible thing.

Did you catch your girlfriend's inability to tell stories from her?

Did she bite you in that way?

Why is she catching shrapnel right now?

What's wrong with your arm?

Yeah, what are you even doing with your arm?

Why are you doing that?

I don't like this.

What are you doing?

Why are you doing that?

I don't know why I was doing that.

It's like you're holding an old cell phone.

You're trying to get better service.

This, Pete, give me a beep.

This

thinks he's the Statue of Liberty.

Yeah, I'm a french.

Motherfucker, take your poor.

You're tired.

I'm a French

Statue of Liberty.

My man said, where my French poem at.

My man got spikes for a hat.

My man said, give me your tired, you're weak, and I'll suck on them.

And I'll suck them.

You tired.

Speaking of time, my jaw's tired from sucking on all these immigrants.

Am I the statue or am I in love with the statue?

You're the statue.

They have a statue in India that's a guy, and it's

four times bigger than the Statue of Liberty.

It's just a guy, like,

I think he was like part of the liberation.

Are you you talking about the jesus statue in brazil no i'm talking about in he's talking about the jesus statue in brazil yeah he thinks that brazil and india are the same thing yeah just because they're brown

shut up

wait unlock this open up grinder.com it's not grinder.com it's grinder just look up the but they're sniffies.com what's sniffies he doesn't even know what grinder is that's how bad at being gay you are go to grinder no i'm miserable i can't get it right

i got some bluetooth if you want some no I don't need it for a guy.

Why do you want to go on my phone?

Look up the statue in India of the guy.

It's crazy how big I guess.

Okay, so I type in statue

in India of the guy.

Big ass guy.

I guarantee

you.

It's so big.

Ready?

Yeah.

I hope Big Guy India is your website.

I'm typing in Big Guy India statue.

Just search it on X videos.

We've got a big guy.

It's crazy.

What if we had a big guy, Yeah.

What is this for?

Yeah, he's a cool guy.

We just make a big guy who's going.

This doesn't commemorate anything.

Adam, there's nothing showing up.

Look it up.

Is it the Colossus of Rhodes?

No, I think it's the Statue of Unity.

Yeah.

That's nice.

So it's not just a guy.

It represents unity.

No, it's a guy that was like a leader of the liberation from The Quit India movement?

Is that what it's called?

Stop India?

Quit India.

Stop, yeah.

Quit India.

Was that the liberation from the British?

I barely remember the history of this, but there was like Gandhi's non-violent thing, and then there was the Quit India one, which was violent.

And the reality is that the violent one was cooler.

Was actually the one that was successful.

You should have told me you were going on Rogan.

I could have filled you with bullshit like this to say to him.

I could have just lied to you for fucking two days.

You could have told him anything.

It was the most ignorant group.

Did you know?

Yo, Joe, did you know?

Indian people were Chinese until like 200 years ago, and then they evolved brown because the water was contaminated.

Yeah, I've been studying about it.

You know, the Brita filter is why they ended up stopping and evolving, Joe.

10 facts about India's Statue of Unity, the world's tallest statue.

Adam, you were right.

Statue of Liberty is how many feet you think high it is.

I'll bet you 20 bucks you do not know.

Dick high of that guy.

Dick Hale?

Dick high.

She's as tall as his penis.

No, kneecap.

Kneecap?

Which is where my

snake is down to.

What's up?

Really?

152 feet, and this guy is 597 feet.

So sick.

Good for India.

Right?

Is that part of an amusement park?

I think it's like they're like Mount Rushmore.

You go with your family or something.

Who is the guy?

You don't go to any statue with your family.

Who is the guy?

The guy.

We got to do a little read of Rooney Duna here, Adam.

Adam, read it up.

Adam, I don't have the copy.

You have to wait a minute and 30 seconds.

It's on your phone.

Gujarat government reportedly relocated 185 families to make...

Gujarat is a sick name.

That's what they should have called

Splinter.

Oh, yeah.

The Gucci rat.

Gucci rat, dude.

It takes humbleness.

If you want to kill Shredder, you gotta flex on him.

So these are prop cigarettes.

It's pretty cool.

Since you can't smoke real ones.

Yeah.

Lighters, a pick lighter.

How's this for acting, Adam?

I'm not looking.

So, Ian, in your news special you say

you say that um

what is this, Byron Allen?

What?

Go ahead.

Nothing.

Comics uncut with Byron Allen.

So your penis is

so your foreskin's longer than tell us about your penis.

I've never watched that show.

It's been on forever.

What's the deal?

That guy just made his own TV show?

Dude, he made his own TV show, is like a bajillionaire.

You're kind of loser to that.

Oh, yeah, go ahead.

Yeah.

But every fucking thing is a lead-in to a bit.

Like, it's not just like,

but it's so transparent.

So it's a lead-in to a bit.

Yeah.

Like, so you've been

traveling recently.

You were with Gaijerat, right?

And you go, yeah, you know, the thing about Gaijerat, you know, that's one of that.

Gajirat has got to be one of the best comics working today.

Yeah, killing it on Netflix India.

Are you

ready to win Mother's Day?

Yeah.

You're very close with your mother.

I am.

She just wins.

Does he want to win to Mother's Day?

He's going through your track listing, I guess.

No, no.

First track on my

mom.

Winning Mother's Day.

Give the mom in your life an aura digital frame preloaded with decades of family photos.

Yeah.

Oh, pull out the fucking thing, dude.

It's behind you.

Do you actually have one?

We have one here.

It's good.

put them all.

I made this nice little area behind the stage.

I was like, here's all the products for the ad reason.

Oh, that's great.

And then Adam destroyed it.

He's got doo-doo and garbage in there.

Why'd you put doo-doo on the nice products, Adam?

I don't know.

Every time I come in here, it's a mess.

I'm out of here a week.

I come back.

He's got shit thrown all over the fucking place.

Is this cool?

You want to show the camera?

Yeah, I'll be Vanna White.

I had such a crush on her when I was younger.

She still looks good, dude.

And she's got to be 200 fucking years old.

So old.

With unlimited storage and an easy-to-use app, you can use a brand new Aura frame.

You can keep updating mom's frame with new photos.

That's from an app.

That's nice.

So if she's in Delaware, you're putting new pics on that.

From VD and podcasts.

Oh, no shit.

You can't get new stuff in there.

That's cool.

If you have a, let's say, a senior citizen in your family, you've got a forgetful senior person.

They love this.

President Joe Biden.

You buy him this, and then every day he wakes up.

He's like, who the hell is that?

And they're like, that's your son that died.

Now you can remember him.

It's Bo.

Look, we've got Bo on the screen.

My ex-girlfriend got so mad at me when Bo Biden died, I cried.

And she was like, you've never cried over anything.

Was that like a big Delaware thing?

Oh, yeah.

He was

mad at you.

He was bad, though, right?

No, Bo Biden was amazing.

He was great.

He was a wonderful Attorney General.

He was really trying to turn things around.

This just means that you had a secret.

I sucked him.

You used to go to the Ravine.

My high school guidance counselor was his wife, and she's the woman that Hunter Biden then had sex with after Bo Biden died.

I was really into that stuff

for like six months.

I got really into the Hunter Biden stuff, and it has failed to deliver spectacularly.

Well, it delivered a little, not just one of Western.

You see You see the dick.

I mean, and that's the kind of thing.

It is a very much a Delaware-style scandal.

It's another thing.

And then it's like, you know, I guess that's a beach.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

It's by Philly.

I guess that's a scandal.

Yeah.

It's a little thing.

It'll keep people busy for a while.

But at the end of the day, it's a big sort of

right to drive to, but you don't have to.

Aura has a great deal for Mother's Day.

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That's Aura Frames.

You literally set Adam on fire.

Sorry.

That was crazy.

How did that happen?

I did for Palestine.

Your shirt caught on fire.

Ian, this is why I said don't smoke in here.

Sorry.

And

I don't mean like bring fake cigarettes and then light more fires.

Sorry.

That was crazy.

Shut up.

It's grappling.

But check this out.

Look.

Chuck E.

Cheese over here.

Okay, that's A-U-R-A frames.com slash T-A-F-S.

Use code T-A-F-S at checkout to save.

Oh, yes.

Time for round two.

No, see, because I am.

I think about these things.

You knew I was coming.

I said, we need a fire extinguisher.

We need it right here.

That's actually what I got my mom for Christmas, a fire extinguisher.

Yeah.

I checked and her old one was like super expired.

And I just always think like terrible accidents are going to happen.

So yeah, Aura frames, they're really good.

You can put all kinds of crazy fucking pictures in there.

That's cool.

Is there a promo code?

Because I would actually buy that.

E-A-F-S.

Now I know.

Yeah, go there.

30 bucks off.

I've actually already gifted because they sent us a couple as a, you know, to show on the show for the audience and stuff.

I've already given these away, and they have been a smash hit.

Let me tell you.

Yeah.

Yeah, my grandma loved this way more than the blue chew that I had been giving her.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, Nick, my clit's enormous.

Yeah,

I got her an account on a decision with China and dick pills.

She's my draft queen.

And this one, I tell you, this was finally.

This one was the one.

What pic did you put on it for your grandma?

What picture did you put on it?

That one of Hitler is like a little girl.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's wearing the dress.

Great head of hair.

Yeah.

Great head of hair.

Baby Hitler had a beautiful head of hair.

It's gorgeous.

Have you seen it?

Flowing locks.

Not flowing, but like a mushroom cut.

Really?

Yeah.

Looked like Toad from Super Mario.

And then he did the whole...

Could someone hack into that and put like dick pics on your grandma's?

No, that's just 100%.

R frames are 100% hack-a-proof.

The whole thing is designed by the NSA.

So there's no way that

that could ever happen.

But that would be epic if you had

his grandma.

Dude, that would be

so epic.

Did you get new tattoos all over your arms or get them recolored?

No, they're just done really well.

RD tattoo.

They're not faded at all.

I know.

Yeah, this is like a year old.

That's new.

Daniel Strauss, Rich Fi.

Rich Vaugh?

You're saying these names, like, I'm supposed to be like, oh, wow.

You don't know.

Daniel strauss rich fi yeah r d they're gray man i mean they they look like stickers you know yeah this is like a year old too

i think they're awesome and this these are all they're all from darkwing duck they are yes i'm a big darkwing duck fan a lot of sailor jerry darkwing duck crossovers yeah you really have a suicide girl aesthetic about you thank you did you have tattoos prior to like two years ago oh yeah you did my lower body's covered oh yeah i don't remember i'm covered from my chest down.

I just started doing my arms.

Yeah, I had never seen the sleeves before.

Yeah, I finished my leg sleeves and then I started working on my arms.

And you are against tattoos.

You would never get one.

Yeah,

in the Holocaust, we had to get them.

You don't want to get a couple numbers on your arm, like in remembrance?

It's not funny.

It's funny to me.

It's not funny.

Ha ha ha.

You don't actually think the Holocaust is funny, do you?

Yes, I do.

It's a wizard.

You don't have to be a dead baby joke guy.

Mickey Mouse as a rat?

Oh, it looks like you.

Yeah.

Oh, this is me.

This is a rat cheese smoking a cigarette.

That's you as a...

You do really resemble a rodent.

Yeah.

You really do.

Thank you.

Like the ratfink.

What is that?

Ed Roth.

Yeah,

it's like a hot rod.

Yeah, a hot rod design.

Yeah.

The ratfink.

This is kind of like a ratfink, but it's just a rat disguised as a Mickey Mouse smoking a cigarette.

You know?

Yeah.

I respect every one of them.

No, you give me your tattoos.

This is a Philly's tattoo.

That was a mistake.

Matt Stairs.

Actually, no.

You know Matt Stairs?

Into the Night.

Home run against the Los Angeles Dodgers 2008.

I went to both

game three and both game fives.

You did?

It was amazing.

Yeah.

And the parade.

My boss said,

if you show up to work after they win the World Series, I'll let you take off work for the parade.

It was blackout for like a week.

Really?

What was the job?

Construction.

I was a carpenter.

And I found out when I did my amends to him for your boss.

Yeah.

What is that?

Like, you mean the 12-step thing?

Yeah.

What do you do to him?

Which step is that?

Six?

The

no, the ninth step.

What's six?

Six is

a no, step four is Fearless Moral Inventory.

Six is one last beer.

Right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Step seven is giving it one last shot.

Step five is plan your child's birthday.

Step six is

one last beer to show you can handle it.

For old time sucks.

Yes.

Sunday.

Step seven is rewatch interstellar.

There can't possibly be.

there's the one step, stop drinking.

Yeah, but it's not about

I'm pitching the one-step program.

Stop drinking the fucking booze.

No, you have to apologize to your boss.

No, you don't need to apologize to anybody.

No, it was very important for Ian.

It was important for Ian to apologize to his boss.

Anybody fucking.

Wait, can we hear what you did to your boss?

No, I, because my last day at work, I showed up drunk, and he, um,

I,

he told me to leave and I was done.

So I went and I got another half gallon.

And then that was the day that my friends came and like threw me in the detox, but I was too drunk, so they wouldn't let me into detox.

So they put me in the hospital.

And I just found out, because I was blackout for a while, my buddy told me I tried to leave the hospital and he had to punch me in the head.

And then they had to drag me back into the hospital bed.

And I like spiked my EV bag like a football.

And I was spraying blood.

I was like, just get me fucked.

I'll be vocal.

I'm starting to think I would like to be in a mental institution.

That'd be nice.

It'd be like a spa.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, chief.

Just having a break.

Yeah.

Just have a lie down.

I re-watched one flew over the cuckoo's nest.

And do you know why Jack Nicholson's in there?

Yeah.

Because he's the actor.

He's a 15-year-old girl's pussy.

Yeah.

And he says it to the doctor.

He goes, since you weren't.

When you got that 15-year-old red snapper right in front of your face.

You can't say no, Doc.

And the doctor goes, I understand.

Any man.

Yeah, no, he's a loco.

He's real loco, that guy.

And The doctor goes, I get it, brother.

Look, this is just kind of what we're doing.

Wait, what did you do to your boss, though?

Oh, so years later, I went in

high five.

We're good.

Foot five.

So I went in to make an amends, and I'm like, hey, man, you know, I...

Appreciate you giving me so many chances and I really fucked up, but things are really good now.

And I just wanted to come to you and give you my sincerest apologies.

And I'm willing to do whatever I can to make it up to you.

And he goes,

Yeah, I never fired you.

I just told you to go home and sober up, and then you never came back to work.

And I was like, What?

He goes, Yeah,

you quit.

I go, and this whole time I thought you fired me.

So I could have gone back to my job.

Wait, I have a question.

So if someone's doing that step, right?

Yeah.

Let's say it's your ex-girlfriend.

Yes.

And then she calls you and she's like,

I had a train run on me because I was drinking.

And it was like 15, 17, like 25 guys.

And you didn't know that.

You've been living the last five years not even knowing that, and she's doing it to make amends.

It's kind of selfish.

Well, it's kind of better for the person not to know.

It is, which is why they say that.

Yeah, but most apologies are in a situation where the other person doesn't know.

You're specifically saying that.

I'm just saying, if someone's doing that.

No, no, I'm not talking about my very specific situation.

Are you asking

me?

I'm saying if someone is doing that,

Adam's making the argument that the apology thing is kind of selfish, no?

And then the exact thing that

is one where you don't know anything's happened because, like, for example, your girlfriend's fucked 15 years.

I'm trying after two years.

Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine.

And your dad, your dad tells you that

she had a dad tells you his peach vibe and fucked an eye on the team.

Your dad tells you that.

An entire bobsled team.

Your dad tells you that he, like, they drove the bobsled into her pussy.

That he, like,

they had that.

Feel the rhythm.

Yeah.

Feel the rhythm.

They used the slide at a McDonald's play place to all slide into her

afternoon.

Adam, I just ended up putting my legs like this at the bottom of the city.

Yeah, but if I

self-it's not necessary that I find that out.

Yeah, but most of the time, you're getting college.

They're like, I'm sorry I drove your car through your living room.

I'm just saying if they tell you something that you didn't know,

you did what?

Of course.

I'm not talking about that.

I'm saying if they're telling you something you didn't know, it's kind of not worth it.

Well, it's an honest program, and you were to be honest when it is for the benefit of the situation and if the harm

let me finish you no i'm saying that that answers my question i get it now if if it were to harm you then it's better to not be honest in that way you know what i mean well to harm the other person yes yes yes okay that makes sense yeah so that so if your dad says like oh yeah like i pimped you out into sex slavery and you don't remember it because you've uh suppressed it uh is it worth telling you that Oh, yeah, that tale is old as time.

I'm trying to think of something else besides a girlfriend having a slide going into her pussy.

That is very funny.

Rubble rubble.

It's very funny.

Yeah.

Why do they have a playground at McDonald's?

I never really.

Do you remember when McDonald's used to be a restaurant?

That was like a delicacy when I was growing up.

No one calls it a restaurant.

Everyone, what are you talking about?

It's a great restaurant.

Everyone calls it a restaurant.

What do you think it is?

It's a a fast food restaurant.

What do you mean?

No.

A men's club?

What else would you call it?

No, no, I mean a restaurant.

Hold on.

What else would you call it?

A fast food joint.

No, you're using slut.

A fast food joint?

Okay, okay.

You're right.

You're right.

Do you remember when McDonald's was a restaurant?

No, no, no.

A restaurant in the sense that it was a big ordeal to go down and sit with your family at that place as if it were a restaurant.

What do you mean in an ordeal?

I sit down at McDonald's with my family.

Really?

Oh, that was a huge deal for me and my family.

Going to McDonald's on a Friday night to have a sit-down meal.

Okay.

Yeah.

So to answer your question, no.

I don't relate to your obscenely white trash

family dinner at McDonald's.

Excursion dinner.

Did you put on like a nice star?

Did you put on a nice shirt to go to McDonald's?

We were married.

Oh, you had to put on your nice restaurant shirt.

That's so bleak.

I would rather eat shit alone than be seen

thinking I'm having having a nice night out with my family.

Wait, you told me it's not a nice night.

It was the 90s.

It was entertainers that used to go with it.

I did.

They did it.

I didn't go with them, but they went to Burger King and did that.

They dressed up nice.

Yeah, yeah.

It was like an after-church thing.

Yeah.

And even as a child, I was like, this is disgusting.

They're losers.

It's Burger King.

It's worse.

It was a celebratory thing.

Like after

it, it was after, I remember specifically, we have pictures after like first grade graduation.

We as a family went out to McDonald's for like a month.

You were the first in your family?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was a big deal.

Big deal.

It was a big deal.

Everyone knows that.

So back to my inquiry, why the hell do they have a play?

Why do they have slides?

For kids to play.

Because it was ours.

Yeah, but who's, I mean, I guess this kind of derails that thought process.

But

because what I'm saying is

I need somebody to look after my kids while I have burgers.

It's like I'm too busy eating my burgers and fries.

It used to be.

I can't watch my own son.

It used to be a restaurant.

That's what I'm saying.

It used to be a family friend.

Yes, regular restaurants.

If you took your family to Red Robin,

a much better place.

If you took your family to Red Robin, it wouldn't be like, I need to focus on my burger right now.

I need child care.

Right.

I need somebody to look after.

Well, it was a time when parents spent time with their children and you take them to the playground area.

You wouldn't just let them run wild.

You know?

The parents don't go in the playground, though.

You watch the kids in the playground.

Right?

No.

My dad's not a pedophile.

Yeah, I don't think adults are allowed in that area.

Yeah.

I think it's a weird thing where they're trying to, they're like, oh, they saw Chuck E.

Cheese happening.

Like, we got to do something.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What if we got a slide in a ball pit?

And it seemed like a very half-assed.

I guess Burger King doesn't have one.

I don't know.

I can count on one hand the amount of times I've been to Burger King in my life.

What about Discovery Zone?

You ever go to there?

Yes, and interestingly enough, Brian

McClure, what's his name?

Ryan Gentry.

Why am I struggling?

He was on our show two weeks ago.

I've known him a decade plus.

Donahue.

Ryan McGonagall.

Donahue.

Donahue.

Oh, Donahue.

Yeah, yeah.

He just brought up Discovery Zone.

Really?

I don't remember his name, but I remember him bringing up Discovery Zone.

Dave Javu.

Yeah.

That's another example.

Discovery Zone was a fun time.

Do you ever play Laser Tag growing up?

I remember going once and being like expecting in my mind to be like, oh, I'm going to be awesome at this.

And just they're doing terrible.

And then I was like, there's no appeal to this to me at all.

It's a room where everybody's covered in calm.

It's an evidence locker.

It's not a game.

I don't like this.

I don't like everyone can see how much cum is all over my face.

Not even your cum.

I'm in your hair.

I'm soaking

in God.

This is embarrassing.

Yeah, it was a different kind of laser tag where they would nut on you.

Like that scene at the end of Silence of the Lambs where he is watching the woman with the...

He's got the gun.

Oh, yeah, and he gets so close to it.

But instead he's just nutting on her face.

And then it's showing up on the blacklight.

Is that you, Dr.

Lecter?

Is that that you out there in the dark, nutting on me?

She, great, big fat lady.

Put the nut all over your face.

Go to Laser Tag.

Now get in the ballprint.

Join the BK Kids Club.

Join the BK Kids Club.

Join the BK Kids Club.

It joins the BK Kids Club.

It puts the lotion in the basket so we can go to the family restaurant.

It really was fucking pathetic, especially with the BK Kids Club thing.

Just these stupid fucking cartoons.

Like, no one had any interest in that.

No one cared about it.

I liked it.

You did.

No, name one of them.

I can't

name any of them, just like I can't name one of the Captain Planet kids.

You're a man-child obsessed with fucking past.

Okay, I can name one of the Captain Planet kids.

Wasn't there one name?

Hart.

Well, Hart

Power, but the kid's name was Modi.

Yeah, there's Wheeler.

Yeah.

Yeah, we could do that.

Easy.

And that was some gay-ass show about recycling.

So, like, easy, we can name Captain Planet characters, but not a single- Wait, was Wheeler the one in the wheelchair?

No, Wheeler was

badass.

Yeah.

Yeah, the red hair.

He was fire.

Mati was the black kid.

Mati.

Wasn't Mati one of them?

I don't remember.

Maybe that was the monkey that the Guatemalan boy had.

He had a monkey.

Yes, he was like Aladdin 2.0.

One of them wasn't racist enough.

They were like, people might think this kid's white.

And it's like, let's give him a monkey that he talks to.

So that way people know he's Latino.

That way people know he's from South America and not a white man.

Because we don't have the right crayons to draw him as racistly as we want.

We'll give him a monkey that he can communicate with.

And then we look this up and that's not true at all.

That's not even part of the show.

I just made that up.

It's not.

I think that's right, right?

Wasn't there there

little

brown kid with a monkey?

From like the Amazon.

The red-haired one was the fire.

Yeah.

Wheeler.

And then who was...

The black kid was

like Water, maybe?

But I don't know his name.

Hmm.

DeAnthony or something.

DeAndre.

DeAndre.

DeAndre Watkins.

And then there was a blonde girl, too.

Right.

But the Burger King Kids Club, I do not remember.

I just remember, I can kind of see their faces, but I remember they had little toys that the plastic felt good in my fingers.

Really?

Yeah.

You used to eat Play-Doh?

No.

I wasn't an Eat Play-Doh kid.

You were?

Yeah, it was salty.

I liked it.

Well,

Adam's still a booger eater to this day.

Really?

No, I'm not.

No, he's a booger saver for later guy because it's on your sleeve.

That was awesome that you lit him on fire.

That was one of the best things I've ever seen in my decade of podcasting.

That was incredible.

Just flicking, not even like trying to, but just flicking a match at Adam and setting him on fire on his own show.

You got set on fire.

Woo!

Wild, happy, and free, bitch.

That's the gayest name for a special overall.

What would you name yours?

Bigger and blacker, too?

Monotone and sad.

My next one is going to be called Gay Joe List.

Poor Joe List.

Joe List is gay.

Joe List is gay.

So fun to pay even more this time.

Spend $200,000

for fucking like cranes and shit.

And it's just my next special.

It's terrible.

He's the nicest guy.

I have no plan.

I just riff out fucking an hour.

There's nothing.

Halfway through, I'm like, yes, sir, that is something we said on the podcast.

This is called Joe List is gay.

Why would you call it that?

I guess he has a special.

Maybe I'm gay or something.

Yeah, maybe.

No, I guess it's...

Maybe it's mutually beneficial.

I don't really like being called gay, but, you know.

Nothing wrong with it.

Anything that gets your eyes on the page.

I'm sorry for insulting the name of your special.

It's okay.

I get it.

It's not cool.

Okay, all right.

No, it's not cool.

It's not cool to do that.

Snail.

Gaya, voiced by Whoopi Goldberg, Captain Planet.

Okay, here are the planeteers.

From top left, Gi, Kwame, Linka, Mati, Wheeler.

Yeah.

Yeah, so Gi is the Korean one.

Kwame is the African.

Hailing from Africa, the power of Earth.

Wheeler from Brooklyn, New York.

Wheeler controls the power of fire.

Linka.

Let's see, what race is that?

Was she the blonde girl?

Yeah, she's from the Soviet Union.

Right, right.

Linka has the power of wind.

Which means, well, I'd like it if Linka blew me.

I like the wind.

Ghee.

Linka has the power to suck star to Chevrolet.

Asia,

power of water.

Mati from Brazil.

Here we go.

Mati wields the power of heart and Suchi, Mati's pet spider monkey.

So Mati has a monkey, yeah.

Oh man, I've been watching the spider monkey on Instagram.

They put it in a little diaper.

Cutest thing in the world.

Flies through the window, hops on a skateboard.

Do you think you'd have the patience to train a raccoon or a monkey to be your pet?

I wouldn't train it, no.

No?

I would like to tolerate it.

And if it shit too much, I'd tell it go back to the Amazon.

No, no, I'm talking about a monkey, not your girlfriend.

Were you laughing in the back?

Okay, that's good.

I don't want to die alone, either.

I wonder why.

But we all die alone.

Question is: can you die alone with yourself?

Shut up.

It's true.

What did I say to you before Nick came back?

We should get some kind of AI thing that edits a normal laugh on top of yours.

Me?

Yeah, that's when you laugh on the show.

It just sounds like Paula Poundstone.

I have a lot in common with her.

What?

Child abuse.

Oh, Jason.

Shoulder comes.

Shoulder pads.

Shoulder pads.

Shoulder pads.

Comically large suits.

Boston.

She was one of the first stand-up tapes I ever had.

Her, Drew Carey, and Tim Allen.

You had a tape?

Yeah, my mom got me stand-up tapes from Sears.

Oh, they had like actual

VHS.

For whatever reason, I was imagining like tape, like their tapes

that they had, like, for themselves.

For like a special?

Yeah, that you were like

that you got from like a comedy condo.

No, no, no, no.

You know what I mean?

Oh, like the little like mini D V tapes.

Yeah, yeah.

No, no, it was uh it was VHS tapes from Sears, and it was Paula Poundstone and Drew Carey on one, and I think Tim Allen, and I think Ellen on another.

Or maybe it was Paula Poundstone and Ellen, and then Drew Carey and Tim Allen, I think.

Do you think that formed your sexual appetite?

Oh, formed.

Especially the Paula Poundstone-Ellen one.

Well, I think it's pretty funny I didn't realize what I was when I was younger because one of my favorite shows is Grace Under Fire with Brett Butler.

Is that even a gay show to like?

No, but it's like a female-led show, and I like identified with her.

Like, I should have known I was gay because I love Suddenly Susan.

No, you're just a fucking loser.

What are you talking about?

She had a deep voice if I remember.

I like the bad.

I loved Murphy Brown.

I did.

I did.

Murphy Brown was actually a good show.

Murphy Brown was great.

Oh, my God.

I couldn't get enough of who's the boss.

So I should have known that I was mad about you.

That was one of my favorites.

Was it?

Wings.

You ever watch Wings?

I don't remember.

Was that the one that was like Jag?

Wings was about Jones.

Yeah, Wings was like Jag, but funny.

It was about like

airline people.

Yeah, like

on USA.

Tony Shaloub was all.

Man, Jag was huge.

That was a huge.

I don't remember Jag.

It was about lawyers.

I don't remember it either.

I don't think I've ever seen a single episode of it.

I just mean culturally, Jag was, that was like, you know, that was like the

Harlem Globetrotter or something.

It just had such.

Of airline television.

It was just such a thing.

Well, they weren't airline.

They were like, they were like.

It's not airline.

They were Air Force.

They were like Air Force lawyers or something.

Does it stand for a judicial adjunct, judicial attorney?

Brother General or something.

I said I knew.

Judge Advocate General.

Judge Advocate General.

See, he knows.

Am I too old to join the military?

Yes.

You're also too much.

Today's episode is also brought to you by Lucy, our good friends at Lucy.

Lucy.

This is what you call a make-good, which is when you do an ad read

because let's hear it.

Now he's already got an attitude.

No, because I made it a mistake.

But you made a mistake.

I made a mistake.

I was out of town.

I said, Adam, can you handle things while I'm gone?

He goes, yeah, no problem.

Made for your nicotine routine.

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Choose your form, pouches, breakers, or gum.

And now, Now, do you have it behind the stage, please?

Can you go on it?

No, I'm a smoker.

I think we might not.

Can you go fetch it, please?

Would we go fetch it?

Or in the box?

Pete, do we have it?

No, Adam, it's not on Pete.

We don't have it.

He's back in the box.

It's not in the box.

I put them in the box.

Have they been removed?

Today, box?

No, it was all there.

I think Gins took them.

No, Ginsburg did not take them.

I set up the box with the items.

To be shown.

It would be nice for me to try it on.

Lucy is a.

I guess you would call it a series of different nicotine products.

What is that?

Oh, you're taking...

Good.

Yeah.

No, please.

And don't.

And that's not going to be a bit.

That's for real.

I mean it.

Anyways, so Lucy is a series of nicotine-based products.

I've got a no on the product.

They have a gum.

They have pouch.

They have a pouch, and then they have breakers, which I think might be an industry-exclusive.

Yep.

What are the breakers?

So they've got a pouch that you break.

I'm telling, Ian, thank you.

It's a pouch.

It's a pouch that you break.

It's a pouch.

But inside, there's like a little Eboba tea ball that you can shatter with your teeth.

And you get it.

Shoot.

And then it's got like more flavors.

Choose your strength.

Two milligrams to 12 milligrams.

Two milligrams to

nicotine flavor?

I think they're all like flavors.

There's like apple

and

two milligrams is suitable for someone who uses nicotine infrequently.

4 milligrams to 8 is more likely to satisfy if you have an everyday nicotine routine, and 12 might be for you if you've been underwhelmed by the effects.

Sigmund Freud.

Yep.

And you want to fuck your mouth.

You need to be up till 3 a.m.

So, like Nick said, it's three different products, and they have different flavors: mint, apple ice, espresso, and mango, and more.

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What's your favorite flavor, Nick?

That apple one, the apple ice.

Pretty good.

Yeah.

People say that they're the best nicotine pouches and gums that they've ever found.

They are the best.

I've tried other brands, and it made me

so angry.

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This guy can just suck the life out of a.

Jesus.

Just suck the life out of it.

This is why we need the Lucy.

You pop a couple in his mouth, make him chew on him, and then he can't.

I want to buy the product.

I'm reading the code.

And that makes me want to not to.

What?

Hmm.

Advertisers watching this.

Say good job, and then afterwards say it's a bad job.

You're taking money out of my fucking children's mouths.

And my kids are not.

If Adam hadn't seen it.

My kids eat money.

If Adam had not seen it.

Here's the thing, too, by the way.

I didn't finish that.

Wait, wait, let's go.

Let me use that, and then you go.

The reason the Lucy is not sitting in that box is because Adam stole all of it to take home.

No, when we did the shoot, people took it.

Anytime things are missing from here, it's because Adam has stolen them.

Nick thinks that people are stealing from him like your grandma thinks the maid is.

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That's it.

Go ahead.

Huh?

Oh, I was just saying you're bad, or whatever it is you do.

Why?

Huh?

I wanted to try it, but after hearing you, I'm just...

Doesn't sound appealing.

But you like it.

Hearing you talk about it maybe kind of.

You should try it.

Well, I'm just saying, the fact that he's stolen it is evidence enough because they sent us probably what you would consider to be a lifetime supply.

They gave us a lot of it, and he's selfishly taken it all home.

To hoard it.

Yeah.

That is a funny thing.

And now he's going to be like, I don't know.

Somebody else did it.

It's somebody else's fault.

Put these back on.

Please.

I like the straps.

It's kind of like lingerie.

That's what I was thinking.

Yeah, it's like this.

It kind of looks like a garter belt.

Come on, put it on.

Get it out of my face.

You know what Ian would do if the Holocaust started?

He'd be like, this is is horrible.

Nothing.

And then he'd see one.

Me and him would probably go to Barcade.

Yeah.

That's what we were doing.

They didn't have it back then.

No, I mean, if it had to be.

They had them now.

They have them now.

Just play the

Holocaust 2.

If you guys were at Barcade in Williamsburg while I was being put on a train, I would probably

be in World War II to fucking be a fan of the family.

That would be a bad friend to get one of those rifles that they had.

Oh, those are sick.

I would be one of the guys that would be only, I don't care about the war at all.

I'm just there to kill a German and take take him one of his cool guns a luger yeah a luger the fucking mauser the sig

the the navy seal pistol do you ever go shooting it's so fun yeah i love it

yeah i went last time i was in austin and then when i lived in austin i would go yeah yeah we went we went ski shooting in austin yeah that was fucking great you ever go ski shooting no but you sent me the video oh yeah that's right yeah how long does it take to get the hang of that pretty simple yeah yeah It's easy.

It's really hard.

You can just point and shoot.

If you ever think it, you'll be, but you're just a little ahead and you just.

That's a great thing about shooting is you can recalibrate and fix your mistake like in real time on the next shot.

Like I just say you accidentally shoot a white guy.

And you're like, oh, there's the one.

Hold on, hold on.

You accidentally shoot American sniper at the range.

Yeah, you pick up pretty easy.

I saw a video online of like some guy going into it.

It's like one of those subreddits said like, great idea pal r slash wow that wow that was a good idea one of these about what it's just like that whole website is so stupid there's just so many communities that are just they should just be called

it's just r slash act like a bunch of smug

anyway so this one is like uh yeah it's like a darwin awards or something you know oh yeah i've seen that yeah and so this one i don't think it was the darwin awards it was wait was it the are you talking about the the one with the pedophile?

No, it's a guy, it's a guy going into a convenience store, and there's a security guard there with a shotgun on his chest and a sidearm.

And he goes in, the guy's like telling him to leave, and he's like, He's like, You kidding me, bro?

And he's got like a gun on him, and the security guard just fucking shoots the guy probably 400 times.

I'm not even kidding.

And then you just see him, he's like, empties the fucking

the guy's on the ground.

You hear him unload at a 7-Eleven?

In a 7-Eleven, just unload.

Like, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

And he's off camera, the guy's like dead, and then you hear like

he's got the shotgun too, and then he starts shooting him with the shotgun.

He just, I mean, it's one of the at a certain point, it's like, you know, seeing somebody get shot once or twice, that's like unsettling.

But the second gun is seeing a guy get shot like 500 times by the same guy.

He's like, well, I mean, I'm already shooting him.

I might as well.

That pause with the shotgun.

He shoots him with the shotgun like another 10 times after that.

What did he say to prompt that?

You want to go?

He was like, are you kidding me, bro?

And he's got like a gun in his waistband.

And I saw that and I was like, you know what?

I actually like America again.

It's the best country.

It's awesome.

It's awesome that that happens here.

All the time.

I mean, it's like that.

All the time.

That's so cool.

It's cowboy.

You know what I mean?

Can you imagine being in like gay-ass London and some guy comes in store?

He's like, Yeah, you got a problem, Governor.

And then they just have to like fucking slap.

Bruv?

They just slap at each other.

They have knives.

Yeah, they have knives.

Like, let me give you a little slice.

Did you?

Oh,

how's that?

How's a nicking for you?

Meanwhile,

meanwhile, we get videos like this.

This guy fucking just literally 100 pounds of lead.

Second gun.

The outside of the store is all blown out because the exposures for the inside of the store.

He's probably destroyed the parking lot.

There's probably just children killed, just families dead outside.

There's fucking,

you were taking a piss.

You were using the bathroom you had to pay for that's covered in diarrhea and HIV needles.

And you come back and

your car is destroyed.

It's covered in blood, and you're like, oh, something must have happened.

It must have been another day in America.

You left your car.

That's in the car.

That's awesome.

It's the best country.

Having a second gun.

The second gun is insane.

It's just riddled with pullbacks.

That's crazy.

Well, dude, a pedophile at a hotel room, it was a sting, and the police answered the door, and this old guy goes to pull out a gun, and three or four different cops light him up and the body cam footage it looks like they set fireworks off in the hallway of a hotel it looks it looks like cgi' the amount of lightning that's coming out of these guns and the guy's body

they're shooting a pedophile yeah yeah but he had a gun yeah he pulled he was going to meet up like a teen or something oh he was in philadelphia and he pulled out a gun oh was it yeah also like why is that the darling awards it involved the

security guard and the man parked at the business at the time.

Both were shot.

The guard was injured.

The man died from his injuries.

Our Kelly Rule reports.

The gas station owner, who did not want to comment on camera, says he will continue to use the guards.

He says it's for everyone's safety.

The head of that protection agency tells me his guard is expected to be out of the hospital in a few days.

So far, he has not been charged.

I think the whole thing is just really,

has just really kind of shaken us up.

Surveillance video provided to Fox 29 shows the physical fight between a 30-year-old armed security guard, according to police, and a 39-year-old man who is parked outside this Fairmount Sunoko on West College Avenue.

The video shows the man pull a gun out.

We are pausing the video before the exchange of gunfire.

Carissa, like many neighbors, heard them and saw the accident.

The sound effect?

Hold on.

That's crazy.

Side of a Fairmount gas station.

Yeah, but also, why is that the Darwin Awards?

Isn't that supposed to be about a stupid way to die?

Because it's like fuck around, fuck around, find out.

The Darwin Awards are about like stupidity.

Yeah, a guy like...

If you pull a gun on a man with two visible guns and you get killed, you're stuck.

That's just stupid.

No, that's just brutal.

It's also.

But that's survival of the fittest.

That guy's not fit to survive.

If you think you can pull a gun,

visible shotgun,

I don't understand what your position is here.

You don't understand.

The Darwin Awards are about a guy that's like trying to suck his own dick and then he accidentally dies.

Which is pretty stupid, right?

It's so stupid.

Yeah.

So it'd be pretty stupid as well to pull a gun on someone with two visible guns.

It's a goofier thing.

Basically a cop.

It's a goofier thing.

Don't touch me, dog.

No, I really.

It's crazy.

Look, it cuts off before it's even done.

He shoots him like six times.

He's got more.

He's got more where that came from.

Yeah.

And I mean, when a video starts, you're like, oh, I don't want to watch a guy die.

But then the bullets keep, the sounds keep going, and it becomes

a pencil.

It's Mr.

B.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's the topic.

It's so funny.

I want to grab your penis.

Really?

It's so funny that Ian's laughing so hard that he's like,

this makes me want to be gay.

I'm feeling it.

I'm feeling this.

I'm feeling it.

Sucking my dick right now.

It's such a good thing.

I'm feeling this.

Yeah, this should have commented on this on Reddit.

This one's for all you.

I don't carry a spare because I'll never need it, dim wits.

What was he supposed to do?

Yeah.

What was he supposed to do?

Yeah, but this guy...

Well, no, this is a guy on the gun Reddit who already has a guy.

He walks around with two guns.

But what's the other guy with a gun explosion?

And he doesn't.

This guy's so 2A.

This guy's so 2A.

He's like, I really can't stand people that only carry one.

One.

It's so irresponsible.

You dimwit?

Yeah.

Just play the audio again at the guy going, ah.

There is literally no situation where not carrying a spare is preferred over carrying a spare.

Two guns?

And if you do mental gymnastics to arrive there, you are a certified dimwit.

Go to that guy's post history.

What else did he post on?

The accounts deleted.

R slash

being Ian.

How dare you?

Ian needs to taser his balls again this week.

Oh my god.

That's insane.

Really?

Are you carrying a spare?

What the fuck does that mean?

Really?

Sound of the shotgun was

comically loud.

What's the noise of the moan?

Is it the guy being shot eight times?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And he's staying alive?

And in the break between the handgun and the shotgun, he got alive.

He took like eight.

He took eight.

Really?

How is he still alive?

That's not real.

That can't be real.

Yes, it's real, Adam.

It's Monty Python.

It's called life.

It's unexpected.

What happens in it?

I guess that's Philadelphia for you.

That's Philadelphia.

Remember that story a couple months ago about the journalist, the gay journalist in Philly that was killed?

No.

Oh, yeah.

Like, oh, they killed him because he was writing about how Black Lives Mattered.

Yeah, no, it turns out he was molesting a kid

for years.

And the kid finally fought back.

Yeah, the kid killed him.

And the guy was killed.

And then they had to be like, oh, never mind.

Yeah, yeah.

That story disappeared like a Hunter Biden penis.

Nobody cared any longer, Adam.

But his penis didn't disappear.

Yeah.

He could have picked almost any other penis in the world.

Yeah, you're right.

I was trying to do a callback to the beginning of the episode, and I thought it got a laugh.

And it did.

Well, it did, ball, is wrong.

I thought it was very funny.

No, now he's trying to suck up.

Now it's

this is the definition of it.

I'm not sucking up to you.

It is.

I'm not sucking up to you.

Yeah, he's sucking up to him.

And this is what he does too when he gets caught.

He's like, I'm not, you'd be like, it'd be like, someone was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I'd be like, oh, someone ate the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

And Adam's like, what are you talking about?

I didn't have the hot wings.

And it's like, nobody said anything about hot wings.

Why are you trying to muddle the accusation here?

I said, you ate the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

And he's like, I've had lunch every day.

It's like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

You're not going to weasel your way out of this one.

Set him on fire again, Ian.

You know what?

All right, let's finish.

Let's close on.

I'm going to self-immolate.

We still got another 22 minutes.

What's your cause?

Me?

Actually, please don't do that.

Because the fire extinguisher has not been.

The smell and the fire extinguisher has not been taken out of the box or primed.

My cause?

That you would sell for it.

Do you find a fire extinguisher?

No.

No?

No, no, it's just ready to go.

You just pull the pin.

Have you ever used a fire extinguisher?

I don't think so.

I think I want to say yes, but no, I don't.

There's all these experiences.

I'm like, have I done that?

I'm like, no, I've just seen it in a movie.

I mean, constantly, I'm like, yeah.

Wait, no, I haven't.

Like, the other day, I legitimately thought I had been skydiving.

Shut the fuck up.

I was like, have I?

No, I haven't.

What?

You just saw dying.

No, it just seems like something because you drive past those indoor skydiving places.

You're like, this seems like something that.

Would you ever go?

Maybe.

It's fun.

Yeah.

It's cool.

I did something really cowardly.

I bought two skydiving tickets for my girlfriend for her birthday so we could go.

And I realized I wanted to be a boyfriend who would go skydiving, skydiving, but I didn't want to go at all.

And I let them expire.

So she didn't even go?

No, she didn't.

Did she want to go?

I was too scared.

Really?

Yeah, she likes activities.

But then I bought it and I was like, well, who am I kidding?

It seems awesome.

It's really fun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Seems scary in the playoffs.

It's so scary.

So scary and so exhilarating.

Yeah, yeah.

And then you do it and you're like, I can fucking do anything.

Yeah.

It's amazing.

Jumping out of a plane.

How long do you fall before they pull pull the chute?

Because you have to do the tandem thing.

Yep.

Yep.

I think it may be between 15 and 30 seconds of just like,

I would love to become one of those instructors,

the skydiving instructors or whatever, and then do a tandem and be assigned the fat lady.

And then we're going down, and as we're falling, I'm like, oh,

you're too big for the parachute.

You're too fat for the fucking parachute.

And then she's like screaming and crying.

I'm like, nah, I'm just kidding.

You're not.

Nah, I'm just fucking.

I'm just kidding.

You big bitch.

You're getting two handfuls?

Yeah, no.

I'm just fucking with you.

We're fine.

But for real, though, obesity is just

a little bit.

It's if fucking

really bad for you.

We're going to bounce when we get to the ground.

Big old crater in the parachute work.

Thank God you're so fucking fat.

You're going to be a super bowled out.

I'll be fine, but you're going to die.

This is a team-building exercise with my work.

Could you go with Joe Rogan?

He's like, you don't actually even need to use a parachute.

It's a myth.

No, he's like, there's animals, there's monkeys that have evolved.

They can just spread their arms out and they can fly.

I've seen it.

The Wizard of Oz.

That documentary.

Yeah.

They want you to think it's funny.

The witch wants you to think it's funny.

I went down with Jordan and our producer, Ethan, in Austin.

It was so fun.

And then I did it when I was 21 in Allentown, Pennsylvania.

That was fun.

That's still got to be the only thing to do in Allentown.

Skydive.

Oh, yeah.

Nothing there.

You just skydive into a factory.

Yeah.

I had it burnt down.

The guy that I jumped out with was missing a tooth.

I don't know what.

Dude, my buddy I went with, he left his wallet in his mesh shorts in the air.

The wallet falls out.

A week later, he gets a phone call.

Some guy was walking his dog in the woods and found his fucking wallet.

Yeah, your wallet fell on my wife and killed her.

Were you in space recently?

There's a dent my wife swore at from your fucking wallet.

It's fun, man.

It's it is scary, but it's cool doing things you're scared of.

There's got to be people that piss and shit themselves.

And then you're just attached to that person

as the tandem guy.

You're like, great.

Awesome.

What an awesome.

Another lady shit on me.

There was a comic in Austin that was a skydiving instructor.

Really?

It was funny.

It was this guy, Gene, that showed up in Austin.

He's from Brooklyn, moved to Austin to do comedy.

And then the Austin scene of the time, this is like 2009, it was filled with those like, just like, like, snob nerds, I guess.

Yeah.

And so this guy was jacked.

And just because of that, people were like, he sucks.

Really?

Because he had a nice body.

Yeah, just because he was in shape.

Because he cared about it.

Because he wasn't wearing a workout.

He was a purple zip-up hoodie.

Yeah, so people didn't like him.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Was he a nice guy?

He was always nice to me.

I always got along with him.

And then I didn't, I mean, he wasn't like particularly good at stand-up, but he was also brand new at it.

And then that whole scene at the time was people that had been doing comedy like a year, and they're like, well, we're the best.

Turning their nose up at people.

None of those people have a career.

You got to have your 10.

You got to have your tight 10.

I'll never forget when I said I was moving to New York.

I just come in, like,

I think I just missed the top spring.

Speaking of pissing and shitting them, I'm about to have just

a diarrhea to remember.

This is a new Mandy Moore movie.

Yeah, save the last

piece of toilet paper.

Well, this guy told me, he goes, you couldn't even be Philly's funniest.

How are you going to move to New York and try to be funny there?

And I was like, I'll show you.

Who said that to you?

Kevin Hart?

No, some comic.

Who doesn't even do comic?

Shane Gillis.

Shane Gillis said that to you no but he loves you I forget yeah he's the best we had a great time I made us all steaks down there and we watched WrestleMania are you still working out uh I've recently gotten back into the gym yeah we're going to the gym my joints just

too much I'm like

I'd squat 225 my diet is dog shit also you look good though

What's your diet?

I just can't eat.

Stop eating candy and stuff.

I also don't see the point.

Dude, my mom came to visit, brought me chocolate-covered caramels, and I've been waking up in the middle of the night and just eating handfuls, feeling like garbage, because I've been off sugar and candy and everything.

Yeah.

I've been doing that.

I wake up in the middle of the night and I chase the cat around the apartment.

And then I go back to sleep.

Yes.

So just now you know how it feels.

Disco tech.

I'm sorry, guys.

I was like, Don't you stop.

It was like that one

in language class where they teach you how to say the discotheque.

Where's the tech?

It's like, what the fuck are you talking about?

Why are we learning?

You just go to Latin America and ask the discovery of the people who are

going to beat the fuck out of here.

Why are we learning where is the disco?

Why in the cartoon town is the disco part of the town?

There's no such thing as a bakery.

There's a grocery store that sells everything.

The bank, yeah, that makes sense.

You're not going to teach us where is the console.

But the disco tech, it's some weird hodge.

I mean, is this what Europe is?

It's like, fucking, it's the 17th.

Can you tell me how to get to the tapestry maker at next to the night college?

Where's the blacksmith?

Yeah, right.

Where's the town crier?

You will be in Philadelphia at Helium Comedy Club.

Thank you.

Check out my website.

I don't know when it's going to be, but it's next month sometime, May.

May 17th.

You too.

May 17th through 19th, I think.

Let's say Helium.

Awesome.

Yeah, that's my favorite club.

I'm going to sell it out.

It's going to be great.

It will be fun.

Philly Helium.

And then I don't know, there's an announce for it.

I was at Magoobi's, but that date

was canceled because I will be at.

They're doing this dumb.

They do this announce thing.

I don't know the timeline.

I will be at the Lincoln Theater in D.C.

Very nice.

No shit.

No candy theater.

No, on you.

Lincoln Theater on you.

Congrats, dude.

That's huge.

In September.

No shit.

I don't know if I'm supposed to say it or not, but I'm getting annoyed with this whole

announce rollout.

The tickets you can't buy yet.

So I know that.

That's great news.

That's great news.

Well,

that has been booked for a while.

People have been asking me.

They say, what happened?

I can't find the tickets to the show anymore.

It's the same market.

I shouldn't have been booked at both to begin with.

We'll keep an eye out for that.

Ian.

Yes.

Thanks for joining us.

Hey, guys, it's been a great show.

Stupid fuck.

It's been a great show.

May 7th, live Dan with you and

he got new rings.

And he wants to showcase those?

Yes.

This is my shit.

Thanks for coming.

And check out Ian's special, everyone.

Thank you.

Ian's special, bigger,

out and wild.

Out and wild.

Wet and wild in nature.

Wet and wild with Ian.

Fing full of himself.

Ian's finance with Battle Special.

Fag and full of himself.

You're literally gay.

Half

full.

Ian Vinance, wild, happy, and free.

And happy, happy Passover to everyone who

celebrates.

Yes, happy Passover.

Thanks a lot, guys.

We will be back next week.

And check out Ian's special, okay?

What year is lovely?

Passover's New Year's, right?

What year is it?

Passover is the exodus from slavery.

And so what year is it in Jewish calendars?

5,700 something.

Happy 5,000.

So that's Russia's shown as the New Year.

Bye, guys.

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