The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Gavin Matts - Episode 50

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Welcome to Adam Friedland Show podcast.

I'm Gavin Matz, guest host today.

And everybody, Nick Mullen.

You know the fuck I am.

I'm Nick Mullen.

I'm just kicking it racism style.

I was, you know, I walked in here.

You're being racist.

Yeah, and I was thinking, oh, that's...

That's Nick Mullen.

Yep, I was at Dunkin' Donuts smelling different races.

What do they smell like?

Oh, God, I wish you could have been there.

I wish you could have smelled the different spices.

Anyway, guys, welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast

where Nick is in Tampa, Florida.

Guys, this weekend, I am in Irvine, California.

They're going to fucking riot.

He's not on the show today.

They're going to be pissed.

Yeah, I'm glad you did dates off the top, though, because the last time I was on the show, which was so long ago, they gave me 10 days to sell these fucking tickets.

I'm putting them up top.

I'm a fucking diva dude.

I'm a nightmare.

I was at.

I don't like sunglasses.

I like, oh, look, look how beautiful you are.

Well, you don't need to wear sunglasses.

Why is Nick Clottle?

Closeted homosexual.

Yeah, I'm not a racist, closeted homosexual, anti-Semite.

Adam's best friend, but he has a tough time showing it sometimes.

Anyway,

go ahead.

Are you going anywhere soon, Gavin?

Oh, actually, I'm going to be in Chicago, May 10th.

Ooh, the Bulls.

Philly, May 14th.

Baltimore, May 15th.

D.C., May 16th.

Tulsa, Oklahoma, May 17th.

That's about it.

I was selling no tickets, check today, and that's why I posted a reel to Instagram because I have no money, and when I post a clip online, it's because I just checked my bank account.

Oh, you got the direct deposit.

Anyway, guys, just a couple updates for the fans.

On Patreon, we did post a new digital short.

This one was emphasis on the short.

I guess it was digital as well, but it was quite short this week.

Okay.

How long was it?

I think like about 10 seconds long, maybe.

All right, so if you want to go pay a little more online,

watch something.

No, no, no.

But what I'm saying is there's a new digital shortout.

There's a new podcast episode with Ali Makofsky.

And guys, this weekend we should be releasing the next episode of the Adam Friedland Show

talk show.

The actual show.

We've been working on it.

And that's why actually Nick and I, Nick wasn't on the last episode because he was out shooting the last one and editing it.

So we've had a lot of shit at the office.

And if you're in Tampa, Florida, go see Nick Mullen this weekend at Side Splitters.

Again, I will be at the Irvine Improv.

Let's just do fucking plugs this whole time.

Yeah, I mean, I'm out of plugs.

I got no plugs.

You have a special out on the internet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's on YouTube.

How many?

I had a huge bump when I was on two weeks ago.

You did.

How many views do you get?

Huge bump, maybe like five to six hundred more views.

Yeah, yeah.

Worth it.

People said you were kind of like the fifth beetle.

They were saying it's a tale of two atoms.

What is that?

It's like a tale of two cities.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's similar.

Yeah.

So they're saying who's like Adam.

I had an English teacher one year that was so nice that I actually read that book because I used to cheat the rest of the time I was in school.

Well, and so you know that I'm of the common people and then you're obviously the

autocracy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But we look exactly the same, and you're in love with my wife, and

the mobs during the French Revolution want to execute me, and you love my bitch so much that you save you, you save me.

Hell yeah.

That is the most cucked, that is the most pussy move in the entire world.

Well, I love her so much that

by extension, I love you.

Yeah, that's true love.

Is when you'd say, well, if you look exactly like a guy,

by extension, I probably love a guy.

If I had a twin brother,

we would have 69.

Oh, if I had been 69 that whole time.

If I had an identical twin, we'd be swip-swapping around.

We'd be swapping.

We'd be swip-swapping around, dude.

We'd be on TLC,

girl swap.

What percentage do you think of identical twins like is that assault as well?

What?

If I was an identical twin

and I had a girlfriend and

I was like, dude, just go in there.

Oh, yeah, just go in there.

Go to bed.

Yeah, that is.

That sounds like a rape.

Yeah, that sounds like you.

Well, we wouldn't do that, though.

But it sounds like it's a he's going to jail.

Yeah.

I had no idea.

Sounds like you had no idea.

That's how I get rid of my twin.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Now I'm not.

Now you're number one.

No, I'm the best twin.

I actually have twin sisters.

You do?

Yeah, but they're fraternal, you know?

So

nobody has that kink.

Nasty.

Which was.

No one has that kink.

No one's like, oh, yeah, you kind of look like you could be sisters.

Yeah, no one's into that.

They want Swedish.

Swedish bikini models.

Matching tits.

When I say twins.

Yeah.

And twins.

What was that commercial?

Come on.

That was like a beer commercial.

I like when people say that.

What?

When people

say something like, it's like Jinx, but they go like twin twin

right

come on come on twin tween oh dude why we say we're like wow we are too out of we're too out of micro scene he sent me the photo of

two uh

yeah

photo of you and what is that oh that pakistan

i don't know it's my it's my um muslim hat you got a muslim hat yeah pretty sick dude Pretty sick.

I got a lot of merch.

If you know.

If you know, you know.

You know.

What is going on in this episode today?

Anyway, go ahead.

Mike Racine sent a picture of what?

He sent me the photo of those two guys that went to jail for having gay sex in Stockholm, Sweden.

And he was like, that looks like you.

And I was like, no, that's Nick and Adam.

Wait, Mike's on.

Wait, wait.

Can you show?

Just pull it up and show the camera.

It is a picture of Nick and I.

Can we impose it?

It's probably fake.

Yeah, let's impose it can you just put it up on the screen like it is probably someone photoshopped nick and i in it that's what i thought i was like no that looks like nick and ass and that it

that it trallion mongoloid our friend mike thought it was you and he was like i guess it kind of does look like which one did he think was you the one that looks like you we look nothing like i was offended honestly i wish i looked like you i was super offended i was pretty pissed um

but i'm always mad when people say i look like someone yeah you know they're always like oh, Connor O'Malley.

Yo, you get that?

I get that.

Someone actually took a photo with me on the street.

I was excited.

No one ever takes a photo with me.

And they're like, dude, I love your stuff.

And I was like, oh, oh, this feels good.

And then we take the photo.

He looks at it and he goes, I guess because he saw it on his phone, he always sees Connor on his phone.

And he goes, wait, you're not Connor O'Malley?

I go,

yeah.

Wait, he had to see it on the phone, though.

Yeah, like he's a fucking moron.

I mean, this guy's an idiot.

I mean, it's just depressing for me to be like, if you come to take a photo of me, maybe you see me do stand-up.

I don't know.

We're outside a stand-up show.

And then for me to be like, nah, dude, you probably think I'm someone else.

That happened to me the other day, actually.

And who'd they think you were?

An ugly woman.

They were like, oh, you're not an ugly woman?

I thought.

I've been looking at pictures of an ugly woman.

That's an oxymoron.

I've been looking at pictures of ugly women on my phone for years, and, you know, I had to see a picture of you to realize you were an ugly woman.

It is really unfortunate for me.

Like, that's going to be how I age.

An ugly woman.

I'm going to become an ugly woman.

Like, just, I'm going to wake up one day and just be, yeah, friendly boys.

Look,

it's rough.

It's rough right now.

We're dying.

We're a dying breed.

We're almost extinct, men.

I know.

Like, real men.

Like, that's why we got to, like, really

take women's sports down a notch right now.

What do you mean, by playing them?

Something, something, because women's sports is becoming so popular that, like,

once women's sports are more popular than men because of, like, Caitlin Clark,

like, then what do we have?

Yeah, yeah.

Who will we become?

What will we be?

She was really good when she was Bruce Clark.

You know, she was an Olympian, so I don't understand why we're celebrating her.

Yeah, she's swimming, and now you can play basketball.

It's not really fair.

It's not really fair.

She won the decathlon at the 1970s.

And let me just say, though, that I prefer, I like M to F.

M to F.

Yeah, I don't like F to M.

You know what what said to me?

Don't mess up the ratio, my guy.

Allie said to me on the premium podcast, if you guys didn't hear it, she said that Chris DeLeah was like, so I get falsely accused of shit, and

Caitlin Jenner literally killed someone before she transitioned.

Oh, yeah, that's a joke of his.

Is that a joke of his?

That's a joke from his new special

uncounselable.

Oh, I thought that was like him venting about his station.

No, he's like on stage in front of a bunch of dudes with like backwards hats.

Really?

Talking about.

But I don't even understand what he's saying.

He goes, he goes like this.

He goes like this, I think.

What is this?

He goes like this.

She killed someone.

Wait, I got to hear the clip.

Are you doing Ray Romano?

No, no, no, no, no.

I got to hear the clip.

I got to hear the clip.

Can we pause, Pete?

No, no, no.

Let's hey, we can pull it up.

We have a lot of dead air on this fucking picture.

I need to hear his voice.

I need to hear Crystalia.

Does he do Caitlin?

No, but it's so funny, like, his mannerisms and everything.

He's so

bad.

I can't believe people go.

What do you mean?

Well, the thing

before, like, when he was really famous, was like, he's like a silly guy.

Oh, you never liked him.

You're saying he's so bad before.

He gets at doing comments.

Because I loved him, and then I heard that those.

I heard about the

keys.

About them Keids.

Yeah, I mean, well, there's other people that

think so.

Murder is acceptable.

Is this what he says?

Yeah, let's hear it.

Come on.

I said it was a woke move, but it was a business move.

And for that, I understand.

But let me just tell you what I got.

All right.

Let me tell you.

One of the things that Netflix cut me out of was an episode of a TV series.

And another person in another episode of that same TV series was Caitlin Jenner.

Now, listen, all right?

I don't know if you know this, but Caitlin Jenner fucking killed someone, okay?

She killed someone.

She killed someone.

She killed someone.

She killed someone.

That was a pretty good job.

He does Randy at the end?

That guy died.

He's still dead.

Wait, hold up.

He does Randy?

Randy.

She killed someone.

I'm killing.

I'm killing.

I'm trying to.

I'm killing.

Wow, he did Randy?

All I did was have an Excel sheet of 17-year-olds.

I didn't know about screenshots.

Oh, no.

So

he got the necktie after.

Is he talking about Workaholics?

The episode of Workaholics he's on?

No, you.

Oh, because he's in an episode of Workaholics where he plays a chill pedophile, and it's very funny.

And I know that they have taken that off.

Oh, yeah.

I heard that.

And if you guys can find it on like mega upload or something, you should watch it.

It's very funny.

People will be like.

Shout out to Chris DeLia.

Yo, shout out to

Chris DeLia.

Shout out to Chris.

Yeah, in the comments, comments, we'll fuck his dance.

I do have like a damning photo.

Of him and a baby kissing?

No, no, of me.

With a baby kissing.

At like 17 years old at a comedy club with my friend Nebbu.

Black guy.

Yeah, black man.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay, continue.

Yeah, this excites you, though.

No, no, no, I have black.

I have some black man.

Yeah, I mean, I assume.

Yeah, yeah.

Guy like you swags out.

Yeah, yeah, kind of a hip-hop style.

Twin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Twins.

Twin.

Crazy ass white boy.

Continue.

Anyway, so you're, you were with, so you have, you have a black friend.

Yeah, and he was like, we're doing a talk show, son.

We're doing it talk like

you're telling an anecdote on the Tanaija.

So you have a black friend.

Yeah,

I have a black friend, you know.

He's always been black.

It's a good time.

It's good to be here.

And he was like, we were like 17, and we went to the comedy club and saw Chris Dilley and he's like, dude, we gotta get a photo with him.

So we got a photo together, but it was on my friend's phone, and he has since cut himself out of the photo.

And sometimes he just sends me the photo, and it's me and Chris alone in the photo.

Did you change the background?

No.

To like a, I don't know, really good room.

Dude, she killed someone.

She ran a dude over.

That guy died.

He's still dead.

His family's still bad.

His family's sad.

So sad.

And she's in the thing, and I'm not in the thing.

Listen, we all make mistakes,

but hers

wasn't murdered.

That's pretty funny.

That's pretty funny.

Oh, I got very confused when Allie told me about that because I was like, well, yeah, obviously Caitlin, she put a lot into the, you know, the disguise.

You know, she changed her whole lookup after

she killed someone.

Yeah, she killed someone.

Delia

caught the case, and all he did was get a neck tattoo.

Nice.

Yeah, and more Jordans.

Yeah, he's still recognized.

He's still a wigger.

He's got to shave his head.

He's not doing anything.

Yeah, he's got to switch it up.

Yeah.

You've got to try out a new kind of style, you know, or anything.

I don't know.

Caitlin was at least like, oh, I got to change things up.

I've killed someone.

I just...

I can't believe.

And the whole demeanor has changed for Caitlin.

She's a good person into politics.

Totally on her side.

I would vote for her.

Would you go see Chris in Live in concert?

I wouldn't see any comedian.

In concert.

Playing music?

No, no way.

But that's what sometimes they say, you know, it's a classy way of saying something.

Oh, if you're playing...

Live in concert.

If you're playing a very big venue.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because you're playing theater.

Yeah, then it's like respectable.

Then you're playing in concert.

Yeah, no, I wouldn't see any comedian live.

That would suck if you like went.

Especially if I lived in Irvine.

Oh, yeah.

But if you live in Irvine and you...

Guys, I'm playing.

The improv is in a place called the Spectrum Center.

So I feel like that will appeal to a lot of you folks.

But we're just having fun here, guys.

Guys, are you ready to win Mother's Day and cement your reputation as the best gift giver in the family?

Are you?

Yeah, I want to win Mother's Day.

I want to fucking...

How do you win?

This is how I win?

What do you mean?

What the fuck?

Are you ready to win Mother's Day?

I guess so.

What does that mean?

mean like

you finally smashed?

Shout out to Freud.

Shout out to Freud.

I just wore Mother's Day.

Yeah, Freud's nasty, dude.

He wanted to fuck his mom.

Dude,

you want to fuck your mom?

He wrote a book called I Want to Fuck My Mom, and now everyone in College has to read it.

It's crazy.

It really, that caught on.

That's the basis of all of

the therapy we go to is a guy that was like, wrote a book called I Want to Fuck My Mom.

Isn't it?

That's probably a premise a million comedians have done.

It sounds like it.

Sounds like it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But we're just having fun, folks.

I want to win Mother's Day.

Well, I can't because my mom's dead, but

I would love to win Mother's Day if I had one.

Okay, let's run it.

Well, this guy's hired.

She was the love of my life, and I miss her every day.

Are you ready to win Mother's Day and cement your reputation as the best gift giver in the family?

It's kind of insensitive for them to send this ad to you.

It's kind of a suck-up.

Yeah.

You want me to read it?

My mom's alive.

You're what?

My mom.

My mom.

Come on.

Come on.

My mom's alive.

Where is she?

In fucking Canada.

Sorry about it.

Yeah.

All right.

See you tomorrow.

Okay.

She's in Degrassi High School?

Okay, just read it.

Okay.

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Yes, Gavin.

Matt's everyone.

Aura Frames, guys, make sure you win Mother's Day.

Look how nice this thing is.

I mean, it's really good.

And you could put some funny pictures in there that your mom, you know, that your mom would be like, come on, Gavin.

Yeah.

Come on.

Why did you put that one in there?

Guys, we have a comedian in the family.

Oh, man.

And it's got this cool charger thing, and then you could, like, with an app on your phone, you could load pictures so your moom can

so you can get it for your mom.

So you can get it for your moom.

Yeah, for your mom.

And you're going

woon moo moomer's day.

My mom's always

sick to my stomach, fom.

It's sick to my stomach.

Is that how your mom talks?

Yeah, my mom's fucking cheesed, Fam.

She's cheesed with me, Fam.

Your mom's pissed at you?

So cheese.

Why is she a cheese?

Oh, she said I didn't get her in aura frames.

Yeah.

But you were telling me before the show that your mom hit you?

No.

No.

No, I wasn't telling you that before the show.

But yeah,

my mom, she was mad because I was just $30 short.

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You know, the picture, you know, it's really gross when moms do, they take that picture of you taking a bath when you're a kid?

Yeah, with your siblings.

Oh, yeah, and you got your Peter out.

Yeah, like, who's that for?

I don't want that crap.

Well, my mom is like, I remember as a kid, I'd be like, I just, I don't want you to take these things.

I like it.

I like to look back and be like, all right.

But what if there's like a kind of nasty person in your family that finds that?

Like a.

Yeah, you know.

Someone that's into that kind of thing, like kids or something.

Kind of like a comedian with an accent.

But we're just having fun, folks.

Yeah, no.

I mean, those pictures are weird.

I was asking Allie about it, but they like filming your wife's like pussy with like a head coming out of it, like in the delivering room.

It's like, it's what is that for?

You want to watch that back?

You want to watch back game tape?

No.

Of your birth?

That's disgusting.

Yeah, because I'm never going to get birthed again, so why do I got to watch that back?

I don't know what I can do back.

Yeah, I already did it perfectly.

I already did it.

I almost died.

You did.

I went out feet first.

No, no.

I think they almost lost me, so they had to do Caesarean.

Caesarean.

Like a Roman Emperor kind of style.

Ice.

Yeah, pretty good.

It's a cool name for that.

No, but I just.

Caesarean is cool.

C-section sucks.

Call it a cesarean.

I actually fucked it up because I didn't want to.

I don't want to.

It's good branding.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Caesarean.

Caesarean, yeah.

Caesarean.

Yeah, yeah.

It like reminds me of like Roman generals.

Yeah.

E2 Bruto.

E to Bruté.

E2.

E2 Brutus.

I like, I like, Christians have the best branding for stuff.

What, like the fish on your car?

No, like

the Crusades.

That sounds cool.

That's sick.

It sounds sick.

It sounds sick.

It sounds awesome.

What's another good one?

That's pretty much all I've been thinking about.

The Crusades?

Crusades is the only one I got.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm trying to think of another term.

Pope is a cool word.

Yeah.

It's pretty cool.

Yeah.

Why is Tommy Pope allowed to have that last name, though?

It's kind of a lie.

Who's Tommy Pope?

The comedian.

Oh, oh.

Why is Tommy allowed to have have that last name?

Yeah, he shouldn't be allowed.

Yeah, what if I called my son Dr.

Friedland?

You know,

what if I named my son like President Friedland?

It's kind of just obnoxious, you know.

You should work for that title.

Yeah, I would try to get, I'll give my son low expectations.

Yeah, yeah.

Door dash delivery.

Max.

Door dash a booba car from DoorDash Friedland.

That job, it was raining the other day, and I was like,

That is maybe one of the most dangerous jobs.

Yeah, it's the most dangerous job.

I was like driving my car.

They're like weaving in and out and stuff.

Yeah, and it's dangerous if you're a pedestrian because they'll just come up and almost hit you.

Yeah, and

no one cares.

And no one cares.

You know, I have a small dog.

I have a small, tiny dog.

Doot thing,

you know?

And

they're always coming so close to my dog.

And one time, this delivery driver, he came up on the sidewalk, came close to my dog, and I put my hand on his bike, and I was like,

yo, relax.

What?

Dog.

Wow.

And then as I, and he was like, he didn't speak English, you know,

he's a migrant, and he's moving.

And he, and he's like getting mad.

And then another delivery driver came out of nowhere and pulled up and was like, what's up?

Oh, my God.

I almost got my ass beat.

Oh, it was like a gang.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, you got to stick together.

Kind of like us comedians.

You took the Chipotle?

No, it wasn't mine.

Bro, can I just...

I was just like apologizing.

Can I just say something for the fellas right now, okay?

That the girls need to appreciate that if you're ordering a two Chipotle night, delivery DoorDash,

that's a $50 night for you and your bitch.

You guys are going guacamole?

That's a $50 night.

Wait, you're still eating Chipotle?

Yeah, we ordered Chipotle the other day, two bowls.

That's disgusting.

What are you fucking talking about?

It's one of the best restaurants in America.

Don't come to my fucking country and judge me.

Don't come and judge people.

Go back four or five years.

Go back and have patine with your mom, dude.

Fuck off, bro.

I wish I could have patine with my mom.

Well,

if you want to win, I want that la belle patat.

I'm trying to win Mother's Day.

Yeah.

I'm trying to win your Mother's Day.

Did you ever consider doing like a deadliest catch style thing?

You remember people go on like to, oh, I'm going to go up to Alaska.

I'm going to make 50 Gs in like three months?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

I thought I was going to be a fisherman.

I thought my life would be easier, you know.

Is that what your whole life was?

That's what I thought my life was going to be, too.

I thought I'd live in a small town and

I married the love of my life.

And then we have like two beautiful kids together, but I can't get over the abuse from my father, so I turn to alcohol, and then I drink.

And then one day I'm down at the bar, but

I left the fire on at home.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And my house burns down.

You're doing coke with the boys.

And I get all fucked up.

I stay out too late.

I get home.

There's a damn fire.

I can try to get in.

My kids are burned up inside.

Go ahead.

And then, and then, so I, so they're dead, and then my relationship's over.

You can't, you can't.

I can't go on.

I leave, but I'm forced to come back to take care of my nephew, you know, because my brother tragically dies.

And then, and then I see her.

But didn't you try to like turn yourself into the police or something?

I did.

I tried.

And I grabbed the gun.

You're like, I was on fucking Coke.

I was drunk.

It's my fault.

It's my fucking fault.

Yeah.

And so, like, I thought that's what my life was going to be.

And then I see her again, and she's pregnant.

She's got a beautiful baby and she's got like a whole new life.

But she's looking all right.

Yeah.

She's cute.

She's looking good.

Fucking Vancouver by the sea.

I can't, you know?

Fuck it.

But yeah, dude, I wanted that life bad.

I wanted to be a fisherman.

I want to be on my Kenneth.

I want to be Kangaroo, dude.

I want to be Casey So Sobad.

Yeah,

he's my fav, dude.

He's awesome.

Wait, so you thought you were going to be a fisherman, right?

You thought that's the only life for you.

Your dad's like not encouraging you in school.

He's like, drop out.

Go on the fucking boat.

Get on the fucking boat.

Get on the fucking boat.

He said, get on the fucking boat.

Get on the boat.

And then you were like...

Well, it's Canadian.

So it's actually like, hey, get on the fucking boat, bud.

Like, and you had a septum piercing.

You had a little bit of a like purple streak in your hair.

You were listening to 1975.

Well, I had a big, I was actually, I was actually kind of a skater boy oh really yeah I was kind of a skater boy and you're like I just want to get out of this town my friend Charmaine's dad called me that he called me one of white skater boys black friend yeah black friends

and then he was actually in the NFL and then 17 years old you're at a comedy club right you see Chris Delia and then you're like I can get out of this town I was like oh

I can do that.

Maybe I could do this.

I was like, oh, I can do that.

Yeah.

I can do that.

And then you went home, you opened up a notebook?

I opened up a notebook.

The first thing I wrote was

white male black comic.

And then, and then I started writing jokes, and I was like, you know what?

I'm going to make this thing work.

Yeah, yeah.

And you're like,

you're like,

this motherfucker know what I'm talking, what I'm talking about.

You know what I'm talking about?

This motherfucker knows.

And I'm always saying, you know what I'm talking about.

And then the audience, they'd be like,

we actually have no, it's crickets right now.

Yeah.

We've no idea what you're saying.

Oh, so you go out.

And then I go, but this guy knows what I'm talking about.

And then everyone's like, oh, yeah, he do.

Well, he stands up and he's like, I know what he's talking about.

And then everybody is like, and then I know what he's talking about.

Lady in the back's like, I know what he's talking about.

It's like Spartacus.

And then a guy jumps out of the sound booth.

He goes, I know what he's talking about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And this other guy stands up and he's like, I'm fucking gay.

Oh, no, I thought we were doing something else.

And then I go, that guy's gay.

That guy's gay.

and you know what i'm talking about

i know what he's talking about and then yeah and then it's like they're raising the roof you're at the apollo the sandman's there bernie mac's there they they pick me up on it they put me on a chair they carry me out

into the streets yeah and you used to go by mr too damn gavin

yeah i did mr

i'm too

and you had a catchphrase right

i i did have back in the day what was a catchphrase

Back in the day, I did have a catchphrase where

I would say something

kind of like my jokes were kind of always about

how white people would be doing.

How white people would be doing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then, you know, something in the joke would happen where it was like, it would be like, oh,

that's too damn bad.

But then I would say, well, that's too damn Gavin.

And then they would say it with me.

And you do that arm crossing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's too damn Gavin.

And that's too damn.

And then you had that Disney Channel sitcom, Too Damn Gavin.

Do you remember?

And then the father on the sitcom, he was not a very good guy.

No.

No.

No.

We don't like talking about that.

No, no, no.

I mean, a lot of this has been coming out about Dan Schneider these days.

If you want to, like, I mean, it's time that we get the secrets of Hollywood out.

Oh, quiet on set.

Okay, so, like,

it's 1998, right?

I like the name of that dock, by the way, just as a sidebar.

What is it?

Quiet on set?

Is that what the

molester dock is?

Yeah, because

that's kind of a thing people say on set where they're like, okay, quiet on set.

We're about to film.

So it's a big deal.

But they're saying quiet on set because it's like, there's a lot of secrets.

Oh, people are keeping quiet about this on set.

And I wear a hat for the bald community as a man with hair, just so that, like...

Solidarity.

And so that they're like, oh, when bald people are out with a hat on, people are like, oh, maybe they have hair.

And yeah.

I'd never want to go bald, you know?

So you're on the Disney channel in 1998?

Yeah, I really tried to distract from that.

I'm sorry, dude.

Get away from it.

We don't have to talk about it.

We don't have to talk about it.

Yeah, so they, I mean, they had me in a room and they thought I was Zach

or Cody.

They didn't care.

Zach Galifanakis or?

No,

Zach and Cody.

Oh, I thought it was a purple underlay.

No, so they that was a good special.

Remember that one?

Oh, man.

That was funny.

anyway.

Yeah, so you they thought you were Zach and Cody, and you're like, I'm two day Gavin.

I said, twin, twin,

right,

and who, and so, like, and the silence went all the way to the top, yeah, and um,

it went all the way to the top, all the way to Mr.

Disney,

and um,

yeah, they they would

um

penetrate me and

Let me take that again.

Let me take that again.

Yeah, let's run that again for the dock crew.

Can we set it?

Can we get it quiet?

Let's run that back.

Yeah, they would.

Actually,

they would penetrate.

This might be hard to talk about, so you want to get like, maybe you could put on, wear the sunglasses.

Maybe you could augment your voice a little bit.

Like, maybe you could do that kind of thing.

Put your hat a little bit lower.

yeah so so you were

so you were on the set of two damn gavin in 1998 the disney channel show and i was on the set of um too damn gavin in 1998 and um

they would bring me into the back room

and

they thought i was zach or cody they didn't care they didn't care

and um

i'm just too damn gavin i'm just too damn gavin but

They would penetrate me, and they would say,

We're in Corey's house now

because of the show Corey in the House.

So you're saying that

the time?

Corey in the House was spin off of Dot So Raven.

Correct.

So you were penetrated on the set of various shows.

They just brought me around, and then I found out that my show didn't actually exist.

I just.

My show isn't real.

I was just a

oh, they like told you you had a show, but they were just there was no show, yeah.

It was kind of like the Catholic Church just passed it, so they gave you to Lizzie McGuire for a while, then they gave you to Even Stevens for a while.

Yeah, but I'm the reason why those shows are so successful because those kids were able to focus on their craft.

And if you could save one more kid, you know,

if you could just one save one more kid, I would just say one more kid,

I would save a kid.

Oh, God, that was fun, wasn't it?

That was pretty fun.

If I could just save one more kid, dude, you're pretty good.

Because my kids,

oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I forgot about the Vancouver by the Sea aspect of this.

We're really, really free associating today.

Well, time isn't linear, dude.

Time is happening all day.

Oh, actually, they say time is a flat circle.

And you worked with Rust Cole for a while.

Yeah, you know that scene in Manchester Manchester by the Sea?

It was like the closest I've ever come to anything like that.

My girlfriend, she went to London to see some friends last summer.

And I was like, I'm a fucking man.

Hell yeah.

And I went with two damn friends to the strip club.

In London?

No, no, in New York.

In London.

And I was like, my girlfriend, I was like, hell yeah.

Fellas, we're going to go to the strip club, you know?

And

I got so wasted.

And they were touching my they were touching my penis over my pants and I was like I have a girlfriend and stuff and at five they were like shut up and they were like shut up you so stupid and stuff and then I was like also saying to them I was like what would your parents say if you just brought me home and said that we were engaged like how would if like

if you just brought me back to the Bronx and told me told them that this is the love of your life and they're like no they would like they would they would not like you like and I was like all right here's here's more money and I was just like I was pure id that night and I got home to the apartment and I was like I can't live this way.

I can't live this way.

I've spent $400 $500.

I'm I'm wasted.

I was like depressed and wasted in my bed and I called my girlfriend in London.

I was like babe I

I was in the hotel or I was in the I was in the I was in the strip club.

They touched my penis from the outside of my pants.

I asked them what how their families would react if we got engaged.

Like, yeah, you need to come back.

I can't live without you.

You just need to come back.

I'll buy you a flight right now.

It was like, Manchester by the sea.

I was like, I fucking killed my kids.

And yeah, she was like, Adam, I literally do not care.

She was like,

she was like,

are you wasted right now?

I'm like, I'm so drunk.

She's like,

she's like, go to sleep, Adam.

And that's why I'm too damn Adam, bro.

That's too damn Adam.

That's too damn Adam, bro.

Twin.

Twin.

I had my dick sucked by a stripper once.

Did you?

Northern B.C.

She had, she was missing teeth.

Really?

How old were you?

22.

And you were.

I was throwing loonies and toonies at them.

Really?

And

they told me not overhand.

We ain't trying to hurt nobody.

Because

you have too good of an arm.

Mr.

Too damn good at throwing.

You're like Gambit.

Bro, I was frisbee golfing right into that.

Asshole.

You were frolfing?

I was frothing.

It's a girl's puddle.

I went to the strip club.

Go ahead.

And the last time I went, I said it's the last time I ever go because it was just

too magical.

Oh, I haven't gone as well.

I went to Magic City in Atlanta.

I think I said this on the pod already.

I went to Magic City in Atlanta, and I was, I guess, I was kind of

a little upset.

There wasn't enough magic there for me.

Oh.

I wanted a little tadas, not some ta-das, you know what I'm saying?

Like, you wanted, like, the magic castle.

Yeah.

Yeah, you wanted, like, the amazing Jonathan or something.

I wanted magic.

Yeah, but that's what I'm saying.

It was a little too much tatas.

And not enough ta-das.

Yeah.

And that's just too damn gabbing.

Yeah.

You know, magic is pretty

black and white.

Is it?

We're talking about their outfits.

Do you mean mimes?

No, magicians are pretty much black and white.

They wear wands and suits and stuff, tuxedos.

I feel like you're not getting the bit.

I met David Blaine, actually, and he was wearing a leather jacket.

That's not the classic.

That's not classic magic.

No, I mean, I think there's like a newspaper.

Talking about that villain in Frosty the Snowman.

Jewish guy.

Uh-huh.

He was a magician.

Yeah.

What did he he turned the snowman into a man?

I never saw him.

Oh, he wanted the snowman so he could do some dirty little tricks, steal money.

I don't know.

Uh-huh.

Is that the Jews?

Were the villain in that?

Are the Jews villains in all the Christmas

cartoons?

In all the cartoons.

Yeah, kind of.

Yes, yes.

They all are like a stereotypical, like

bad, like, drawing of a Jew.

Yeah, it's a very bad stereotype, which I do.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah.

All villains in old things are like in a cartoon, they have like they make, yeah, it's very epic.

Even Ursula in the Little Mermaid is kind of just a Jewish trans vest.

She's bad in the new one.

You know what I'm saying?

She looked good?

She looked good.

Who'd they cast?

Like big, big.

Tila Tequila?

Melissa McCarthy.

Oh, I need her.

I need her.

She's funny.

She's funny.

She's funny because she stayed herself.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Some of these very funny women.

Yeah.

You know,

they get really funny in a lot of movies and then they change their bodies and stuff.

They got BBLs.

Well, I think they just lose the funny.

They know what I'm talking about.

Yeah.

It's tough.

I'm saying stay big, stay up.

It's like because

a bigger woman, respect, you know, that's funny.

And then they lose the weight.

It's not funny, but then they're skinny still being funny.

It's almost like they appropriated the big culture to get up.

Similar to how

a white musician will use rap to get up and then switch to rock.

Oh, like post-Malone.

post-malaria.

So, they used the fat to get money, and then they went skinny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like you're kind of betraying

what got you there.

They should just be unhealthy

for the rest of their lives, you're saying.

Yeah,

I think we're just putting on fair stereotypes.

Being fat is so funny.

I wish, I wish I was fat.

My metabolism is too good.

There's nothing funny about the way I look.

No, definitely not.

Except for how I have to work.

Nowadays, I got to work four or five times as hard.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

You got to put reps up.

I gotta get in the gym.

I gotta go hard.

Straight white

male.

The most discriminated against group probably.

For sure.

White people.

I mean, I agree.

I mean,

even more so than Jewish people.

No, second most, I guess.

Do you think Jewish people are more discriminated?

In show business.

You at least have community.

In show business, we're

either the people that run the media and the entertainment industry and the people that they put on screen, I mean,

they're no Jews.

I mean, it's like.

I am being so genuine and serious, and there's no way that I could possibly be joking when I say this.

But there is no one more discriminated against than white people in this current climate.

And you can tell this, and I've told you this before, is because we don't even have a slur to bring us together.

So we're just divided.

We've been divided and conquered.

What if we all started calling ourselves the tweens?

I'm not loving the high five as much as I was earlier.

Yeah.

And I think it's because I've opened up about so much stuff.

It's kind of bullshit that

the Jews run the media, but they started Hollywood.

They started the studios.

It's our Palestine, basically.

When people are like, oh, Jewish people control the banks, it's always like, okay, well, you're just bad with your finances, you know?

I wish I could continue.

I wish I could do sports betting.

I wish I control the banks.

You made an 18-team parlay.

Yeah, yeah.

It's terrible odds.

Yeah, but it's a lock.

You're betting on African soccer.

You think it's a lock, and then you lose.

Because you see plus 100.

You're betting on girl sports.

And now,

and then you lose, it doesn't cash out, and you're like, oh, the Jews.

I think I could beat any girl athlete in any sport ever.

I would bet against you

across all boards.

I would cook

against you.

Division IV athlete, if that is even a division.

Just like an inter-mural Sunday league.

Uh-huh.

No, I think I could beat any girl at any sports ever.

Look, women's sports are getting more popular.

They're beautiful.

They're smart.

They make more money than this.

They also give birth.

We are about to have nothing, Adam.

The contracts in the WNBA are getting ridiculous these days.

50 million, 60 million.

Oh, my God.

They're making so much.

Well, and the thing is, is people are bad at Caitlin Clark's

contract.

It's so low.

But the season's only like, what, a week?

I saw a tweet that making that in a week.

I was I saw a tweet that was a quote tweet, and it said the tweet it was quoting said, um, fellas disgust, and it was a picture of Caitlin.

And then,

and then the quote tweet said, they out here trying to fuck Mick Lovin.

It's so funny.

Any girls just on TV ever, and we're like,

I think I would fuck any girl on TV ever of all time.

Yeah, if you don't want me to fuck any girl ever, don't put her on the damn TV.

Don't put her on the TV.

If she goes on the TV, I'm going to want to fuck her.

And that's just too damn Gavin.

Player,

come on, player.

Put her on the TV.

I dare you to not put her on the TV.

Yeah.

Well, I dare you for me to not get horny.

I don't know how I could dare you, but like, I'm.

I don't know how I could dare you that.

But I'm going to get horny, okay?

I dare you to dare me to not get horny.

I'm going to break that dare.

Oh, my God.

I'll get horny at any girl on like on any, even on a sign, a picture.

Yeah.

You ever jack off to something on Instagram that you music?

That was a joke of our friend Brandon Ward.

Oh, Mr.

Two Damn Gabbon.

Oh, man.

I was uh, you know, I was just on Suicide Watch recently.

You were watching people people kill themselves?

No, I was trying.

I got put on Suicide Watch because I was trying to kill myself

using carbon monoxide poisoning, but then.

You didn't have a garage and a car?

No, I forgot.

I drive a Tesla.

That's for Pete.

So the thing is, the Tesla.

It doesn't have a gas.

You don't have to explain the joke, dude.

A comedian should never have to explain a joke.

I want to.

Oh, go ahead.

Explain it.

Tesla is

gas that doesn't have

monoxide.

Yeah, I put gas in my friend's Tesla.

I was gassing my friend up in his Tesla.

I was like, no, dude, this Cybertruck is sick.

I was like, you look good.

You look good.

Dude, women like that.

You're definitely not a pussy.

I was gassing him up in the Tesla.

He said, You don't got to gas me up in here.

He said, It's electric.

That

do you have your notebook?

Write it down.

Are you doing a spot tonight?

I don't have a spot tonight, but I could probably hop on somewhere if I let him know I'm cooking.

Yeah, tell them you're cooking with a little bit of...

Electricity.

Is this thing on?

So.

You think you're a good person?

You know,

I think everyone doesn't think they're a good person, right?

But they're like terrified for everyone else to find out that

they're actually not a good person.

Yeah, I don't think I'm a good person.

But like, but we are, like, that's just what being a person is, is feeling like you're not a good person.

Sure.

And trying.

Nobody should feel good.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's just you feel good.

You're insane.

You do stuff all week long

and you're like, what the fuck was that that I did?

And then you think about it later on and you feel bad about it.

Right.

I mean, you ever ask somebody like how they're doing and then they don't answer for a second?

Yeah, sure, maybe.

And then they're like, no, I'm fine.

But it's like for that split second, they were somewhere else

where it was chaos.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, because we asked somebody at your show, we're like, do you think you're a good person?

And he goes, I'd like to think so.

And that's kind of been sticking with me since Monday at Funny.

What don't you like about that?

Oh, I'd like to think so.

It's such like a fake answer.

Yeah.

I'd like to think so.

So you know that you're not?

He's done bad.

He's done bad.

He's done bad.

But it's coming off as humble.

Yeah, I'd like to think I am.

I'd like to think I am, but it's like, okay, but you're bad.

You're bad.

Yeah.

I'd like to think I am means that I've done horrific things in my past.

I think I'd like to think so is worse than being like, no, I'm a good person.

Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

You should say that because you don't want anyone to find out that you're a bad person.

Right?

The whole objective in life is to trick everyone around you into thinking you're a good person.

But if you say, no, I'm a bad person, then people just think you're being funny, so then they would never actually look into it and you're being honest in the moment.

It's kind of like the...

No, he was telling us who he was.

It's the move of saying you have a small dick, and then you pull out a regular dick, and then they're like, all right.

Oh, is that a move?

It's kind of the classic style, I think.

No, I don't know.

Yeah, it's like you self-deprecate, and then if you're like anything better than atrocious, then it's a pleasant surprise.

Yes, this, oh, I have a small dick thing is a thing a lot of comedians do in a way where they're like, they'll do jokes about how they're bad at sex.

And then I'm going to try to, you know what I mean?

They're like, oh, they're on stage being like, oh, I'm bad at, I'm bad at sex.

I can't have sex.

Do you ever have sex and she doesn't come?

Or, and then, and then they use that to endear themselves to people who are like, I could, I could fuck him.

Good.

Yeah.

And then they have sex and they use that as like a reverse like psychology.

I'm completely over sex.

I'm done with it.

I'm done with it completely.

I still get a little horned up, though.

I'm horny for girls for TV.

Yeah, I'm horny for television.

But I'm not going to have sex.

I get it, dude.

I wish we were in the TV dinner era right now because I just want to sit in front of that thing with the little...

Yeah.

I want to sit in front of that thing with a little hamburger helper.

Hamburger helped me get horny.

Huh?

Come on, Twin.

Tween?

No, I mean, I think.

What was I going to say?

I think that it's just so biological, you know?

Being horny.

Sex.

Oh, sex.

What am I going to have?

Sex is so biological?

Yeah, what am I going to have blood rush into my penis and make it hard?

And then you're going to get some gooze kind of stuff because you're horny and you're vagina.

Oh, so I did do those blood tests this week.

Yeah.

I was telling you I had to do some lab work.

Would they find 100% that bitch?

Can we take that clean?

Can we do that clean?

Can we do that clean?

Because

I kind of had a little throat situation there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just a little throat.

Yeah.

You got a little throat on the goat.

And

so you got your testosterone check this week?

No, no.

You know, I had to get the lab work.

I had to get a little blood touch.

Oh, you were in the lab.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And yeah.

Would you find out you were 100% that bitch?

It's from Lizzo.

It's from Lizzo.

Yeah, she's good.

She's good.

I need her.

I need her.

Lizzo, Lizzo.

Lizzo.

I like Lizzo.

Lizzo, stay big.

Stay big.

Respect.

Stay big.

That's who she is.

That's who she is.

100%.

That bitch.

Come on now.

Continue.

Yeah, so

you ever get blood work done?

I think I have.

You ever been in that little lab corp waiting room?

Yeah, I couldn't picture it.

Insane people.

Really?

But the people

that are getting your, you're getting your blood tested around,

it's like social terrorist.

But maybe you're the insane one, and they're the normal ones.

Oh, maybe, but I'm not sitting with my phone going off on the ringer, and the guy, this guy comes in, he doesn't know how to work the iPad,

and

he's sitting there, and his phone starts going off.

And he's like, Oh, come on!

He's like, All right, stop this shit.

But it's like he could have just turned his phone off, and then he finally answers.

He's like, I told you, be patient.

I gotta get blood work done, sir.

You have hepatitis.

Oh my gosh.

Is Hep C real?

I thought I had it.

The hep C.

Go through the alphabet with that.

I had to get tested for a Hep C B and HIV virus because when I was in college, I was having a lot of stomach issues.

And I went to this endoscopy center in Las Vegas when I was home for winter break because my stomach was fucked up.

And I got a colonoscopy and an upper endoscopy.

And then, like, I was walking to class and, like, my dad called me.

He was like, front page news, like, there's been an outbreak of hepatitis C.

They were reusing needles, unsafe, like, medical.

There's a class action lawsuit.

I am scared of that.

There's a class action lawsuit, and he's like, turn around right now.

You have to get tested for hepatitis B, C, and the HIV virus.

And then all night, I was like, me and my friend were like googling who has hepatitis C.

I was like, oh, Ken Watanabe from Last Samurai has it.

I guess he's had a good one.

Oh, nice.

Tokyo Vice.

It's not that bad.

You saw that?

I saw the first episode, the one Michael Mann directed.

It's pretty good.

Yeah.

He uh

Ensel Igor got canceled, but now he's famous in Japan.

What did he do?

I don't know, some like gray area stuff, maybe.

It could be wrong.

Maybe.

I don't know.

We are coming for a lot of people on this, which means we have maybe done wrong in the past.

Are you stressed right now?

I bring a and Adam actually, you can see a bead of sweat.

I'd like to think so.

You'd like to think so that you've done that?

No, no, I was just trying to think of answers to questions, and I remember that guy who said I'd like to think so.

Oh, you're zooming a lot.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, you're zooming.

No, no, no, no.

Ansel Elgort sent pictures of his dick around, I think.

Oh, he was sending pictures.

Oh, really, dude?

Maybe not.

Maybe it was he actually did some bad.

Yeah.

But I was just like, you gotta,

everyone in Hollywood,

you can't just have a guy that

is being taken around to the sets of various Disney Channel shows and getting pan

It's just like what's going on in that industry and we're in that industry dude and it's it's you're so um

so

yeah you want to tell me about March 7th 2003 um

you're at the teen choice awards no no the teen choice awards it all it all started on the set of fill of the future

and uh what they didn't tell me is that uh my future was bleak.

And

it's pretty good.

Pretty good riff.

I totally ran out of like, it's just the same riff over and over.

It's just like,

I would have gone with the option of just continuously saying

just the word penetrated.

I think that was funny.

Yeah.

Clean take.

Yeah.

Start on episode of Phil's Future.

I was penetrated.

I was penetrated.

Guys, but seriously, we're laughing about something that's not very funny, and that's

quite on set.

Yeah, quite on set.

So if anyone.

I don't want to watch that shit.

My whole life I wanted to get slimed.

Uh-huh.

But knowing what I know now,

mental cleanup would be a little different.

Yeah.

And that's a bit for my actual

twin.

All right, and this is Mr.

Too Damn Gavin, everyone.

And that's just Too Damn Gavin.

Irvine, California, this weekend please come please come please please please come please come they gave me two weeks to sell tickets please chicago it's a massive room

philly may 14th irvine california the 19th and 20th

uh philly may irvine california

ready to take advantage of an incredible deal at mazda september is the final month of eligibility for federal 7500 electric vehicle lease cash on the new mazda cx70 and cx90 plug-in hybrid all mazda current inventory is unaffected by new tariffs.

See your local Mazda dealer for details.

$7,500 electric vehicle lease cash offer expires at the end of September.

Don't miss out!

7,500 lease customer cash good toward 2025 CX70 PHEV and CX90 PHEV when leasing through Mazda Financial Services.

Lease customer cash can be combined with other public offers, including lease incentive offers.

Lease customer cash cannot be combined with APR or other customer cash offers.

Lease customer cash is not redeemable as cash or cash back option.

Lease customer cash is only available on approved credit.

Not all customers will qualify for credit approval or offer.

Limit one discount per customer per vehicle.

Lease Lease customer cash offer only available in the United States regardless of buyer's residency.

Void where prohibited.

Apply within the lease structure as a capital cost reduction.

Lease customer cash is only available on participating Mazda dealer's current inventory, which is subject to availability.

Offer ends 9:30-2025, and you must take delivery prior to the expiration of offer.

See Participating Mazda dealer for complete details.