The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Gavin Matts - Episode 48

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Welcome to the Adam Friedland Show and Ramadan Mubarak to everyone celebrating.

It's the Adam Friedland Show podcast.

Special guest today, Gavin Matz.

Gavin Matz.

From Canada.

Yeah.

Welcome.

How do we sound?

Pete, good?

You sound good.

Now, the viewers at home won't notice, but we have the air conditioner blasting.

Yes.

Because it's now a warm day, and they still have the fucking radiators cranked.

Yes, it's a classic NYC problem.

The building has not turned off the heat for winter, and it's not winter temperatures outside, so it's literally

a big problem.

Is there's not enough distinction between the podcast and the talk show.

Yeah.

And I think what we need to do is bring back the mics.

This feels good.

For the podcast.

I think if you're wondering, like, oh, is this the show or the podcast?

If you can tell by the cables,

I think that's a good distinction.

Yeah, yeah, we have to.

I kind of wanted to build like a center console, like the kind that you'd see in like a conversion van

with like cup holder,

a little screen in it.

I like that.

You know, and then maybe change the stage so it's also like the inside of a conversion van.

I like cup holders.

Yeah.

I like when the cups don't fit in them.

Maybe we could just get a van and back it, have the van.

This sounds like a perfect project for you, which is disassembling and reassembling a van in the studio.

Having half of the back of a van as the podcast stage.

Yeah.

That way there's a clear visual distinction between the two.

Getting a car.

You need a car in here.

That's big tech.

Yeah.

These are all things that I had planned initially, but then

what do you think got in the way?

Well, nothing got in the way necessarily, but

until very recently, I had to learn, I've never been a business owner before.

It was just, you know, we our old podcast was successful by chance.

And I didn't know that you shouldn't hire people because they're like they're your friend.

Not necessarily even your friend, but just I'm like, this guy's fucking insane, dude.

Yeah.

Let's see what this guy is.

That's a bad person.

Because it's funny.

Yeah.

I mean, a lot of small businesses, they have bad employees.

No, the problem is, I think that if you do something like creative, you want the most creative people to get the best product.

But then creative people often are lacking in like intelligence.

Not intelligence, but like technical consensus is what I would say.

Okay.

Is that creative people,

they figure out how to get what they want out of something creatively.

And then there's other people on the other end of the spectrum that are very technically minded because they go to school for it.

But they're not necessarily creative.

They're not creative.

They'll never make anything good out of it.

Nerds.

They're nerds.

Yeah, they're nerds and

they need to be told what to do.

Right, exactly.

Anybody that would come in here and be like, well, there's the 180-degree rule when you're shooting, you're gone.

You're done.

Yeah.

Yeah, shut up.

You think any of these migrants are good at tech?

They're all.

They're in like a 900-person mariachi band.

I would like to see.

Is there a Guinness World Record for largest mariachi band?

We got it.

We got it.

We made it out.

Yeah.

That's the other thing, too.

Check that out.

And if not, you got to build it.

The podcast has to have a theme, right?

And that was the thing that we struggled with.

That was why I think Come Town kind of failed because we never had a theme.

It was a show about nothing.

Yeah.

When we started, everyone told us you have to have a theme.

I thought we consulted.

We had a failed because of crowd work clips.

Why?

We weren't doing that.

No, but that's maybe what separated the group.

I don't know what he's talking about.

He's saying Stav did too many crowd work clips.

Oh, my God.

Why would the podcast?

Why did you say that, dude?

I don't know.

I don't really know anything about the dynamic.

He's a friend of ours.

I mean, it's been enough time.

We can say it.

Stav's staunchly pro-Israel.

Yeah.

and it was like there was a lot of

behind-the-scenes conversations where we'd say, Stav, it's murder, it's a genocide.

He would say, and this is his voice.

I actually

know his real voice.

I'd be like, They've been there for 3,000 years.

Your Jewish friends are scared.

They've been there.

Would you hide me?

And we said, Well, first of all, you're not Jewish.

We don't have the technology.

You would need something that could bend the fabric of space.

No, we're talking right now.

I like Stav, but also I heard he's going to,

where Gaza is, that's actually going to be called Stavi's World.

Yeah, he wants us to open the theme park.

The theme park.

Yeah.

Yeah, where the refugee camps are.

It would be great if they could turn Gaza into Stav's new podcast studio.

Yeah, and it's also crazy.

I went to Greece last summer and I googled

the ADL does an anti-Semitism index for every country.

68%

in Greece.

So it's strange that he's so staunchly pro-Israel when he comes from such a

anti-Semitic culture.

It's very confusing.

It's kind of a curveball.

But that's why it keeps us on our toes.

I love it.

I love Israel.

I love Israel.

You know, you do like saber metrics for anti-Semitism.

It was very funny to find out that the ADL...

Every number of people.

Now, their anti-Semitism over replacement people is actually, it's lower.

So it's such a funny thing.

So it might be 98% Nazis there, but if you eradicated all of them, the people that would come in would be 99% Nazi.

So they're actually negative 1% if you look at the effective number.

I was literally Googling that as a joke and then got an answer for it.

What do you mean as a joke?

Like by yourself?

No,

this would be funny.

I was with my girlfriend.

I was actually on vacation.

It was a romantic vacation.

And the guy in the hotel said he was like, oh, yeah, like, we hate Jews here.

Really?

Because it's so so cheap to go there.

Are you crushing with your girlfriend constantly?

Like, when you're saying stuff and she's like, she doesn't find me funny at all.

She doesn't find me funny at all.

Because it's crazy.

The first thing she's ever liked, the first thing she's ever liked, and the audience, I just want to mention this as well, are the Tafts digital shorts, the weekly Tafts Digital Shorts,

which are now on Patreon.

Yeah, patreon.com slash Tafts.

But my girlfriend loves them.

Yeah, and then I realized while she was laughing, I was like, that's the first time I've been associated with any laughter on your behalf.

I'm pissed.

I'm back into chewing my soul patch area.

Really?

This has been a hot spot for me for my entire adult life.

And then I got gum surgery and I couldn't chew on it.

And I thought I had finally broken.

And what is that?

This has been more of a detriment to me of all my bad habits, worse than alcoholism.

or

chewing on the pussy tickler.

Well, I don't really call it.

I don't.

How do you have a picture?

You call it soul patch, but I think.

I'd chew the skin raw.

I would always have to shave it completely because the hair would, I would get like an oral fixation and chew on it.

I stopped for a month, and now I'm back to just shoving it in my mouth.

You have an oral fixation?

I think so, yeah.

That's a terrible thing.

I'm oral retentive anal explosive, I think is my high-end

combo.

Classic complications.

N-I-F-J.

Is that N-I-J-R?

What is my profile?

No, I don't think that's personality.

I don't think that was.

I don't think anal explosive.

I think I'm anal explosive anti-JR with the Scientology Center.

You went for a test?

Yeah.

You got a

reading?

Really?

Yeah.

So I need to.

Hold on to the things.

Yeah.

E-me the fucking thing.

I told you.

I did that when I was still in Vancouver before I moved to LA as a bit, and I was like, I'm moving to L.A.

And they were like, whoa, we got a lot of stuff down there.

They were excited about it.

Do they offer you a career?

No.

Now I just have beard hair.

I'm just my guest on the show right now.

Really?

Because it comes out.

I chew on it.

You got to respect the pussy tickler, my brother.

I don't even know what my habits are.

I think it's good that you know.

You don't know what your habits are?

No, because I just guess I've accepted them or I just haven't been trying to get rid of it.

Well, you're not aware of them.

You probably have one weird one that you don't know about.

I'm sure I do.

African-American Vernacular English.

Yeah, A-A-A-A-V.

Yeah, that's one of my my habits.

But you do Canadian.

Have you seen that video of that Canadian Wigger woman?

No,

it's so good.

It's so funny.

Yeah, yeah.

Canada's got.

The Toronto accent.

We're old enough now that Zoomers have their own version of wiggers that's acceptable.

Like, you know, because ours was not, I mean, it was never really acceptable.

That's one of the best things that the Zoomer is.

That is the only

intergenerational difference, I think, between millennials and Zoomers.

Is it a Toronto accent?

No, it's a Wigger.

No, so you call it a Toronto accent.

You know, when it's a video, I'm talking about like, yo, Shorty's talking shit.

Yo, yo.

It's a, yeah, it's like a Canadian wigris.

Yeah.

And what did she say?

She says something about like, she's like, if you like Toronto guy being like,

if you leave your mom's shit, speak to my stomach fam.

Half of it is like

Rude Boy Bumba Clot.

Yeah.

It's kind of Drake.

Come on.

Drake-appropriated West Indian slang.

I like the classic Canadian accent, bud.

Like, I like that.

But

let's go Hackadart.

It's generation.

Do that.

Because T-Rock.

Hack a dart is Smoke a Sig?

Yeah.

What's his name on Trailer Park Boys?

T-Rock?

T-Rock.

He just sounds like that's just an American kind of style.

What I remember to be

a race appropriator.

And the new one now is unrecognizable to me.

Yeah.

Toronto is like a very West Indian and properly Indian.

Totally.

Yeah, they have a big South Asian population and a West Indian population.

Huge.

Yeah.

Whole market full of them.

Yeah, five.

You like where they have shops and stuff.

It's their own businesses.

Yeah, yeah.

There's a lot of those Toronto accent clips that are very funny.

Like the ones that are talking about

where people go to school.

Yeah, yeah, the school one is very good.

Yeah.

I wish I could.

What's the town called?

It's like one of the suburbs.

I am from Vancouver, so we don't really have.

But that's like a different country.

You're from China, basically.

Basically, yeah.

That's China, Canada.

We went there.

That's crazy because it was a logging town.

No one lived there.

It was just guys having fucking pancakes until like 1975.

And then boom, just Chinese people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They brought the heroin, I'm assuming.

Lots of heroin.

Lots of heroin, yeah.

Now it's fentanyl.

It's also crazy.

And they got those safe injection sites.

Vancouver in the entire world might have the highest ratio of like

pretty,

what would you call it?

Topography, like natural beauty

versus architectural ugliness.

I like the brutalist stuff.

I think it's a good thing.

I like the brutalist stuff.

I like the downtown is nice.

Yes.

No, Vancouver is one of the things that I've been talking about.

They got that Swedish

architect has a lot of stuff there.

What's his name?

But, anyways, that courthouse is beautiful.

I don't remember the courthouse.

I remember most of the

law there.

They were shopping centers where you can't block the view from the building behind you, right?

So all the buildings slope down to the water.

A lot of the houses are ugly because in the 80s there was like that boom of like people moving there.

There's always a taboo.

And you're not allowed to have basements.

So, like, or, or you're only allowed to have basements if, like, the, so, like, they built the first floor, like, two inches deep.

So, they figured out a way they could build houses in, like, really quick.

So, every house, like, looks the same.

And it's like, they have like a fake basement so they could get the square footage and build quicker.

Sick to my stomach, fat.

Yeah, they're sick to my stomach, fast.

Stick to my stomach, fast.

Come on, man.

So, all those houses are so ugly, and they have, like, stucco on them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And a bunch of waste men live there.

Yeah.

A lot of Italians, too.

You don't know that.

Do they let them?

They let them, yeah.

Oh, my God.

My church growing up was all Italian.

I was like, why do we go here?

I thought it was just an Italian thing.

Yeah.

You went to a Roman Catholic church?

Yeah.

Were you...

Did you get confirmed?

Yeah.

You got baptized?

I got baptized.

I got confirmed.

Molested?

No, I wasn't allowed to be an altar boy.

Really?

Why are you

emotional problems?

Why were youn't allowed allowed to be?

I wanted to be.

But you weren't allowed to be able to do that.

Oh, your mom saved you.

No, I was so horny.

For the priest?

No, but I wasn't allowed.

I wanted to be, but my mom was like, no.

Oh, because she knew about the spotlight stuff.

Yeah, she knew about spotlight.

She saved your ass.

She saved my ass.

I literally figured it out.

Shouts out to moms.

Did you leave her in the hood?

What about a movie about discovering a bunch of child molestation in the Hindu church?

And it's called Dotlight.

That's pretty good.

That's good.

Just how about it?

How about that?

How about that?

I'd hear the whole pitch.

That's it.

I don't remember enough of Spotlight.

Mark Ruffalo.

Mark Ruffalo's in Brown.

It's just as fun.

So, oh, God, Nick, I'm going to go out of sequence, please, but I have to do this.

I'm going to go to sequence.

For the appropriate podcast, like

etiquette.

Like it's non-linked.

But I have a last-minute booking, guys, in Irvine the 19th and 20th of April, and I just have to get it out there.

It was literally booked today.

So I have two weeks to sell tickets in a 7,000-seat venue.

So that's good to do right now.

I feel like we were just kind of getting into the flow of this.

So that's good.

You got to sell tickets in Irvine.

No, no, I thought.life, light.

That's a good cut.

And then Nick said the accents are funny, and I was like, okay, this is, we were giving him nothing on that.

He's starting to riff.

There hasn't been anything.

No,

we were giving him nothing on that.

If I say anything, people are going to be like, oh, Nick's in a bad.

You know,

I'm settling in.

I'm trying to riff.

I'm looking both ways.

Nick's coming with bangers.

He's the first one.

You're coming with bangers.

I agree.

They're coming with dates.

Yeah, that's very funny.

It's a comedy show.

You like doing dates.

You ever do some stuff on the road?

Yeah.

I'll be in Portland next weekend.

Oh, that's it out there.

I'm in some places too.

April 11th.

I think there's only, I think three of the the shows are sold out.

We got maybe one more this season.

Helium is the best.

How's the money?

The money's good?

In Portland?

Yeah.

Yes.

That's a good market for you.

That's a good market for you.

I didn't do too hot in Raleigh, but then it ended up being a lot of fun.

I mean, this is...

I was doing a show in

Geneva.

It was a lot of possibility, but I forgot how fun a half-filled room is.

Because then you're like, oh, the pressure's on.

I don't give a fuck.

I just fuck around.

Totally.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I like a half-filled room.

That's most of the rooms

I'm doing.

You were in Geneva, Ohio?

Yeah.

I was doing a show in Geneva, Ohio in Seattle.

Portland stinks as a town, though.

It's an awful place.

I remember the first time I went to Portland because everyone would sell it to me.

They're like, oh, it's just like Austin.

And this was back when Austin was.

And they were also weird.

They were also weird.

So you're like, who is weird first?

It's another weird place.

People would describe Portland as Austin with shitty weather and less jobs.

Yeah.

And

I was like, this sucks.

This town stinks.

It's worse every time you go there.

Everyone's always like from Vancouver.

They go down there to watch basketball

and go to the strip clubs.

But everything is a strip club.

You go into a McDonald's.

There's a nude woman who's in there.

Yeah, there's naked people everywhere.

It's out of control.

That's what happens when you give people drugs.

Yeah.

I had a homeless couple.

And I've told this story before, a homeless couple politely asked me to leave the city when I was in Portland.

Really?

They came up to me, this woman, it's a man with one eye.

One of his eyes, he looks like like he got stabbed.

Well, maybe he saw something.

So scary.

I don't know.

She's like, can we help you?

And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking?

What do you know?

What are you talking about?

And then she's like, well, if we can't help you, then we'd like you to leave our city, please.

It's rude.

Yeah.

I mean, I was wearing that Fudruckers hat backwards.

I think they might have thought it was a MAGA hat.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh.

The leader of that.

Well, you think if they're

an unhoused couple, they'd want America to be aware of that.

I would like to imagine it was just people from the Red Scare subreddit.

But that's just the average.

No, they would like that hat.

That's just the average Red Scare subreddit person is a homeless,

a homeless 65-year-old woman with her non-verbal one-eyed boyfriend.

Just living in a tent, cheating on each other.

You got to listen.

That's great.

I've never listened to what Red Scare.

It's not even the podcast.

Podcasts have nothing to do with their subreddits anymore.

They're completely separate entities.

There are couples podcasts that I don't listen to that I do check out their subreddit because because of.

Spider and the Kid, of course.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, it's all women podcasts, of course, because their fan bases have turned on them.

That's every podcast.

Their fan base is all.

That's what liking podcasts is, is turning on

the people.

Our audience has fallen off, though.

So our podcast is great because it's like just two, it's like three guys talking to each other.

It's literally four guys.

There's like almost

a community.

There's nobody on there.

There's nobody on there, and those guys are like, another terrible episode.

It's been bad for two and a half years now.

Yep.

This one sucks also.

I get it.

That's how I feel about Survivor.

But there's four of them.

It's gotten awful.

Yeah, just everybody that they cast to be on Survivor now is like gay.

Are you into The Bachelor?

No.

I watched.

I watched a couple of episodes this season.

It's my first time actually watching The Bachelor.

It's insane that that is as big of of a cultural event as it is well you know how like react this like bachelor kind of spurred all these like insane reality tv shows where they're like what more can we do with this i was watching this one on like peacock or something it's called couples to thrupples

and it's like couples and they're trying to get a third yeah poly show

it's nuts these people are all insane i would never go on that and they show pussy on it or no

they show them they basically all the the first night they pair up they've they're basically fucking really they're all under the sheets sheets doing it on peacock, yeah.

And this girl was like, Well, I have so many friends, why can't I have more like in a people in a relationship?

And the guy's like sitting there like, Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, you should, yeah,

because it could get more pussy for me.

Yeah, I want a whole network just called the pissed off channel, and it's all types of shows, you know, like the DIY network.

It's like how to fix a house or whatever.

It's just every show is like a different type of person and they're pissed off about something.

And,

But it's a different personality.

I mean, so like tune into one.

So you have like a falling to down Michael Douglas show?

Or are we not doing that?

No, it's like a reality show.

But like instead of like, okay, so today we're going to refinish the cabinets.

It could be me.

I could have a show and it'd be like, I picked up my laundry yesterday, I put it down, and the cat shit into the laundry.

I got on top of the bag

and shit directly into the laundry.

That's really annoying.

Brand new sheets did you bother

six months ago?

You can't punch a cat.

You can't punch the cat.

They don't have feelings.

You know, the collarbone is loose in your stomach.

They're waiting for you to die.

People won't tell anyone this.

You got a pit bull just so he could abuse his bat.

Like he wanted a more robust dog.

No, I did it for colonizer gentrification.

So I could walk around the neighborhood I've gentrified with my murder dog.

Nice.

Yeah, yeah.

And say, spread love.

It's the Brooklyn Way, fellas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How's everyone doing?

You hang out on Spike Lee's block, I heard a lot.

His company is a couple of blocks away from mine.

See?

He's always down there.

Spike, yeah, yeah.

I'm doing the right thing.

I'm doing the right thing.

Yeah.

You gotta do the right thing.

I threw a trash can through the window of his production company, actually.

Oh, shit.

And I'm like, remember this?

Because he's upping the.

I'm like, remember from do the right thing?

It's funny that

I'm doing the wrong thing right now.

Yeah, I was in Geneva, Ohio, and

the guy who produced the show said that if I sell out,

I can keep the door.

And I was like, just give me the money.

Wait, so what was it?

He's saying that the door, the actual door.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

All right.

That's good.

We have fun here.

You like that kind of shit?

I do, but I completely, I was expecting a story about a booker fucking you over.

No, he said if I sell out the show, I can keep the door.

How are you going to get that on Delta?

Give me the money.

I don't get it that.

Yeah, yeah, right.

What the hell am I going to do with a door?

Let's take that from the top.

That's very good.

Let's take that from the top.

I didn't know you were doing comedy right now because you weren't using it.

Let's get that clean.

Let's get that.

Let's do it again.

Be like, yo.

So, I was like, yo, so I was in Tribiva, Ohio.

Listen up, motherfuckers.

Listen up, crackers.

Now I'm now.

Okay,

Gavin, man.

Let's get it clean.

And

okay, and three

to me.

No, no, no.

Let's get it clean for editing.

Three, two, one.

Gavin.

So, Nick.

Whoa.

Thank God you said his name.

Whoa.

Gavin, what was that?

We said the accent.

We didn't say the words.

Oh, so I was in Geneva, Ohio, and the

producer of the show said, if you sell out, you can keep the door.

I said, just keep the money.

Damn, that boy, that boy.

You stupid.

What am I going to do with the door?

He said, keep the door.

He said, keep the door.

He said, keep the door.

But I guess I just do crowd crowd work, right?

Mm-hmm.

What is that?

Matt Reif.

He did that?

At the end of his special, yeah.

He goes, but I guess I just.

He tells a story.

He goes, but I guess I just do crowd work, right?

Oh,

he's not a one-trick pony.

I'm not a one-trick pony.

Yeah, Nelly Furtado.

Should I start telling people I'm dating Matt Reif?

Do you think that would help my career?

I need him.

I need him.

Because at a certain point,

he'd have to say.

He's developing a workplace comedy for Netflix.

Yeah, at a certain point, he'd like to play.

I was thinking

he works at a

and he's got to do OnlyFans to

so he starts doing OnlyFans with

his gay wife.

Yeah, if I go around because his grandma's going to die, he's got to pay medical bills.

If I go around

that I'm dating, it's like uh, it's like go ahead.

No, no, it's all right.

Now I want to hear more about the workplace comedy stuff.

Well, it's a Matt Reif workplace comedy

that he's developing at Netflix.

Yeah.

Announced yesterday.

Deadline.

Got to keep up.

You've got to keep up.

I don't really know.

And my pitch for him is that he works at an office and his grandma's dying, and then he realized the only thing he can do to pay her medical bills is he does OnlyFans.

And he gets a.

OnlyFans is his special that he did, or OnlyFans is a website.

OnlyFans of the website.

So Matt Reif,

there's a motif in his work overall, and it's referencing OnlyFans.

He seems to be obsessed with this website.

Yes.

Well, because the CEO donated money to the IDF.

Really?

Is that true?

Yeah, the Israel lobby.

They denied it.

I've read recently

all pornography is controlled by the Jews.

By the Jews.

I've heard that recently.

The entire industry is all porn hub and all that.

It's all part of a secret campaign that

kidnap children and take them down into the tunnels.

Well, I think it's about

getting

pussy from children.

It's horny.

Yeah.

Well, can I just say this about kidnapping children?

I mean, where are you going to take them to the sky?

That's true.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're also.

How the fuck are you going to get up there, Nick?

You're also going to get there.

You're crazy.

How am I going to get up there with kids at the door?

Look, I am just, I'm an observer of the world.

I don't have any kind of insight or any critical thought about anything.

Right.

But you do a lot of observing.

I do.

Of the world.

So, and what I've observed is there is, it seems to be an OnlyFans obsession.

And what do you think?

Why is that?

Is it because of some kind of deal with OnlyFans?

From

that, right?

You can even get away with naming fans.

I think think he's like a hot he's he he's like a he's like an attractive but i couldn't it's a name of a business and there's no pun there or anything i couldn't put out i can't make a movie and just call it mcdonald's you know what i mean well yeah i mean what would it even be about i don't know it would be about me working in an office yeah you and i have to get a job i have to get a job at mcdonald's you couldn't call it dwight you couldn't call it mcdonald's also only fans it's like

it's not what it is

it's not a good name for it.

If it was me, it'd be OnlyFan.

It'd be just my father watching.

Oh,

the only one.

I didn't know we were doing comedy.

You didn't do that in your stage voice.

Yeah, y'all.

Oh, he checked his watch.

No, I didn't.

I forgot.

We have to do ad reads, so I got to always.

But I noticed that I did not start the stopwatch at the beginning.

P, where are we at?

525.

Yeah, go ahead and hit him with the okay.

Give him a little stink.

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Chet Hanks sit here?

In one of the chairs, yeah.

Awesome.

He's awesome.

We have four chairs.

He's awesome, dude.

He is awesome.

Legend.

I love him so much.

He's kind of got a Toronto accent that he can do.

Yeah, he's got a bunch of accents.

Yeah.

He's kind of a Rasta Klot kind of accent.

He told me that he got with a lot of Jamaican girls after that video dropped.

I bet.

He said the outpouring outpouring of love from the island was overwhelming.

Damn.

So, you want to take a crack at it?

The accent?

No, I did one accent I already regret.

Which is what?

Your regular accent when you're on stage accent?

The stage accent?

The stage accent that you do every time?

You're like the last white Indian comedian.

Yeah.

I'm the last white Chinese comedian.

I'm kind of like...

The last white Chinese comedian.

I'm kind of stopping Tom Cruise.

Chinese Mexican.

Tom Cruise is the last white Chinese comedian.

Oh, man.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Well, I don't know.

That's just from the trailer.

That's Tom Hanks, and it's Catch Me If You Can.

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Go fuck yourself.

It's very funny.

Very funny, man.

Catch Me If You Can.

It plays Carl Hanratty, the FBI agent.

I don't remember the trailer.

How awesome.

Oh, I was doing knock-knock.

Like that was Tom Cruise, like the Chinese comedian.

Oh, I thought you meant that in the last samurai, they said knock-knock.

And I was like, no, you're thinking that.

It is Catch Me If You Can is funny because that guy was like pretending to be a pilot.

And getting pussy off of the.

Yeah, that shit rocked.

That's so cool.

We've fallen so far.

You can't do that anymore.

No, you just.

They haven't caught the people doing it yet.

There was that autistic black kid that just pretended to be a gynecologist for like a year.

He was like 30.

And all he did was buy the jacket.

Yeah.

And then somehow he was like fucking looking at women's pussies being like, looks fucking awesome.

See you next week.

And it took them forever to catch him.

The headshot of him was great.

He was like this.

Like a child.

Great pussy, man.

Yeah, I don't.

I can't.

I don't see anything wrong with that.

Yeah, well, it smells good.

Dude, the tongue depressor part.

Sorry, I know this is the worst.

Okay, looks good.

No strep.

You do hollipop.

Adam bringing back the finger smell.

Oh, man.

That's my move these days on stage.

What is it?

I tell jokes, and that's why I'm Jewish.

And then I say,

it smells like pussy.

That's what I say.

For the record, I've been in gastric distress all morning.

Nick ate old salsa, guys.

It wasn't old.

I bought it from the corner store, but

they sold dust on items.

But for some reason, some of the groceries are dusty.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's never good.

It didn't look expired.

But it's on the outside of the packet.

No.

Salsa doesn't expire.

They don't know when it does, though.

How could you know?

Even the expiration dates, you're like,

they're just like what we legally have to put.

Wasn't that an Adam Ruins Everything episode?

I had never heard of it.

He was like, food actually doesn't go bad.

And he's just sitting there eating like rotten cheese.

No one has made me.

He's going to want a union bust more

than Adam.

Literally, Adam.

He ruins everything.

See those pictures?

He ruined unions for me.

He did.

And I'm a union man.

He might be actually like a psyop kind of from the big studios

to ruin unions.

Yeah.

Just anybody that wears like a checkered suit jacket on purpose.

We've said this before on the podcast, but Nick and I, when we first moved to New York, we were at a comedy party, and there were girls taking a selfie, and he just walked past them, and he goes, selfie time.

Oh, my gosh.

And that's inside baseball.

I don't know anything about baseball.

He rocks, dude.

That's crazy.

Selfie time.

Is that show still on?

Probably not.

I think it's True TV.

I like the Autistic Guy that was just driving

trains.

Yeah.

Just

doing it properly.

Yeah, but he did a great job to prison.

He's on Rikers.

No, that's not fair.

For loving trains.

Yeah.

That's really cruel, actually.

You could make an argument that the other guy was autistic, also, but he's just autistic for pussy.

Yeah.

The guy in a college is a better kind.

You just don't know.

You just don't hear about that so much.

Well, it's like if he was just trying to, I mean, he would just be a rapist if he wanted to.

You know what I mean?

Like, why?

I know what you mean.

You're already breaking the law by pretending to be.

Ladies and gentlemen, the jury, my client is autistic.

This is my point.

This is my point.

It's like it's so much more work.

It's so much more work for, legally speaking, the same crime.

You know, there's no difference between pretending to be a gynecologist to give illegal vaginal exams.

It's sexual assault.

It's sexual assault

as it is to just hold a woman down and rape her at gunpoint.

I mean, it's also, it's like any guy that's a gynecologist, you're like, why?

Why would you ever want to help a woman?

I think it's easier.

I think it's like being a dentist.

Well, there was like the guy who was at Columbia, the doctor that was the gynecologist.

I know.

And then he would lick their pussy halfway through.

It's insane.

And he did it hundreds of times.

It's insane.

And then

I saw some of his trial, but he's like, I thought it was consensual.

Nobody likes that.

It's like, well, how did you meet your wife?

It's like, well, he was my gynecologist, and he just randomly started licking my pussy halfway through an exam.

And I said,

What, what, what a weird, quirky

doctor I was.

This is a motto.

My grade two teachers.

Maybe we should go see a Hugh Grant movie.

Your grade two?

My grade two, first, second grade teacher, Mr.

Palador.

He actually.

Mr.

Palestine?

Mr.

Palador,

he got, I guess, fired, barred, or whatever.

He was like rubbing girls' shoulders, and that, and that came out.

Grade two girls?

No, he was like giving shoulder rubs and stuff.

to grade two girls?

Yeah, and then that came out.

And I heard his defense was like, well, they were really like, they were really tight for what they needed.

They were stressed out.

That fucking six-year-old

timestable.

They were stressed out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Stressed out.

In Degrassi, they used to say that.

I'm so stressed out.

I would never work with children.

Never.

Never.

I mean, it's just because there's so many ways things can be misinterpreted.

And if I had to, I'd be in like the Pope Mobile, basically.

I'd be in sealed and bulletproof glass.

Unless I was was there, you'd be in Magneto's prison.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I would communicate with them through two layers of Google Translate.

So anything I needed to say would go into Chinese first, then Spanish, then back to English for the kids.

And that way it's like anything.

You know, if something, if they misunderpret something, look, that's either it's the Chinese guy's fault or the Spanish.

Don't you think that's like we also have to give like child labor people, like the people in charge, a little more credit?

Like, how the fuck do you like get these kids to focus like that?

No, but it's

a lot to deal with.

It's the iPad generation.

They can't do what these kids back in our grandparents' days.

Oh, our grandparents that were working child labor.

My grandfather, my grandfather was a fucking, he was at a factory.

Well, now these kids, they built the iPad, they start playing with it.

That's what they do.

Everybody's going to start watching that.

Now they can't stop watching the fucking Door of the Explorer.

What the hell are they doing on the iPad?

Because that's they love it.

But I have an iPad.

I've used it twice.

It sucks.

I don't know what the fuck.

iPads suck.

What are they doing on there?

I don't know.

The games are like bad.

Yeah, they're terrible.

Like, the games aren't fun.

Like, I'm at Apple TV, right?

There's a whole game section.

There are games for you.

Who the fuck is playing?

The games that they have available on a plane.

Yeah, just play and

switch.

I know.

Like a regular kid.

Ooh, bejeweled.

A game from 35 years ago.

You ever play Overcooked?

No.

Oh, it's like you're like a chef in a kitchen, but it's crazy.

You start yelling.

You're You're like Gordon Ramsey style.

That sounds like a good show for the pissed channel.

Yeah.

Overcooked.

Yeah.

TPC.

I think this about pissed.

I've got the number one show on TPC.

I think on TPC, I think it's kind of like anthology shows where

each thing is like a new person.

It's never repeat posts.

You have to get different kinds of pissed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Angry black old guy.

Horny Indian guy that hasn't figured out how to get a girlfriend.

He's so horny, he can't even scam a grandma.

Yeah, yeah.

He's fucking mad.

The podcast fan grievance show.

I would watch that, dude.

An hour of a show, and it's just a Midwestern couple in their late 50s

trying to untangle Christmas lights, and then they plug them in, and none of them work.

Oh, my God.

I hate my wife's show.

It would be great.

Well, plug it in a different way.

I watch these things on YouTube.

What other fucking way am I supposed to plug it in?

What other fucking way?

Somehow treating me.

And then just me smiling at home eating rotten salsa.

I'm like, wow, what a perfect.

What a perfect evening to have gastric distress, too.

They pull out the ornaments and a bunch of them are broken.

I love how they call it gas.

It makes me feel like there's a tiny little woman tied up on train tracks in my colon somewhere.

Yep to shit, bad.

And there's a giant

about the runner over.

Oh, my God.

And there's a guy, Dick, my penis, has a top hat and a big mustache, and he goes, yes.

Well, this woman's about to be run over by a big piece of shit.

That's what I think of anytime I hear gastric distress.

You know the train, tying someone up on the train tracks that's from Broadway.

No, it's from Dickly.

It's not a real thing.

It's from Dick Dastardly, the cartoon character.

Is it?

I didn't think it was a real thing.

I didn't think that, like, back in the old times, there was...

I read that it was, it started on, like, in live theater.

Like, a guy did it, and then everybody started stealing it from him.

Jewish guy.

Again, it's such a bizarre crime.

It's back to the gynecologist thing.

If you were a serial killer, you would just murder the woman in her house.

You wouldn't tie her up and take her all the way to a train.

Like, oh, let's see what happens.

Well, that's why these heroes are always getting away.

Who?

Because they're like, you know, like a hero in a thing.

Because they are like, okay, well, here's your demise, and then they leave, and then they escape.

I don't understand that, you know what I mean?

Like, you just got to kill them.

The hero is getting away.

You're sure it's like Dr.

Evil Austin Powers.

He's like, Oh, I'm gonna, like, I thought he was the good guy in that movie.

Which one?

Austin Powers 3.

The Love Guru is the good guy.

Yeah, that's a good movie.

That's a Canadian movie.

Yeah, it takes place in Toronto.

Yeah, you know, it's not real because there's a black hockey player in it

in The Love Guru.

There's black hockey players in the NHL, Like seven.

And there's, yeah, they're sick.

Are you a Canucks fan?

No.

Were you there for the riot?

Yeah.

Was it sick?

It was crazy.

There's that one picture of a guy getting pussy during the riot.

You know the famous one?

It's like the World War II kissing the nurse thing.

It's a TV Day.

It's so funny that

the whole city rioted because they lost.

Oh, they lost.

Yeah, they lost, so they started like flipping cop cars.

Really?

And you were saying, cut it out, Chinese guys.

It was a Chinese riot?

No, no, no.

It was a riot.

What was the Boxer Rebellion?

Oh, I always fucked that up.

You always get the Vancouver Stanley Cup riot confused with the Boxer Rebellion.

The Boxer Rebellion was when Holyfield's ear got bit off?

Huh?

Nothing.

It seemed like it was a question for you.

The boxer rebellion is when Holyfield's ear got cut off?

Why would that be the boxer rebellion?

Because it wasn't nice when he got his ear.

And they were mad that he got bit.

He's like, this is the last time I box.

I see how he got to it.

Yeah, I think it's because the word boxer.

And yeah, that's his boxing rebellion.

It was really level one.

It takes place in China.

So if you were going to do a boxer rebellion joke,

you would say, like, oh, is that when the boxers finally rose up and refused to be eaten?

And you're referring to the dog.

The dogs.

That's much better.

That's level two joke.

I did a level one.

I was over there.

They do karate.

It's basically boxing.

Yeah.

Did you learn martial arts growing up?

No.

You seem like you did.

I didn't.

That is kind of a pipeline.

Like the kid that did martial arts

until 18 years old to Wigger pipeline.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're just singing to the guy from Step by Step, which I watched an hour-long what happened to Cody from Step By Step video.

I don't know what Step by Step is.

Step by Step was a sitcom, like a family sitcom that,

like, for whatever reason, people just don't remember it.

Suzanne Summers.

It was as big as Full House was, basically.

It was with Suzanne Summers, no?

Yeah.

Yeah, and Patrick Duffy.

They play the parents.

So what happened?

Which Suzanne Summers, by the way, she died because she had breast cancer when she was,

I don't know, like 30 years ago, she had breast cancer.

And

she had to get part of her, like, you know, mastectomy, like a partial mastectomy.

They removed the breast tissue.

And then she was in remission.

And then at age like 73,

she

didn't want breast implants.

She wanted to like naturally regrow her tits.

So she did like experimental stem cell surgery.

Because even at 73, she was like, I got to get my big ass fucking titties back.

That's what I mean.

That kind of that's a good thing.

I'm going to get my big

fucking titties back.

It's like what even is the purpose of being alive.

Yeah, right.

But it just made the cancer grow.

The cancer came back from the stem cells.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a sad.

Sort of

an Icarus story.

Yeah, she flew clue too close to the big titties.

Flew clue too.

She clued to Flos.

Flew too close to the big titties.

I love tit.

Would you ever do any stem cell stuff?

Yeah.

I do all the time.

Oh, you do?

Like what?

Vaping.

It's got mad stem cells in there.

The Chinese have been putting it in there.

I actually heard that, that they were like proposing

they were proposing like that as a distribution method of stem cells in the future.

Like vap uh vaporizer.

I heard it on a

distribution method.

I don't fucking know.

I think my father told me that on the phone the other day.

He asked me if I was still vaping.

I don't understand what stem cells are, why they're supposed to be bad.

It's a baby.

It's not like a baby's cell cell.

Yeah, not necessarily.

Your body has stem cells that you can it generates all the time.

Like that's just a classification of cells.

It doesn't have to necessarily be from like an embryo.

I think it's a baby's pee-pee.

People are like rich people are drinking them to get strong.

Adj adrenochrome?

Isn't that what they're saying?

That's what they said.

Rich people are sucking off babies.

Yeah, Hillary does it all the time.

Apparently.

And what was that other drug they said she was doing?

Kooru?

No, isn't that a disease you get from...

Oh, she had a disease from eating crap or something?

From drinking blood.

You don't know enough about Hillary.

Well, it's not your problem.

Are you not a citizen of our country?

No.

So you're like a did you migrate here?

Like, what how did you have an O One visa?

Yeah, but I'm applying for that.

That's so funny, dude.

You remember

Libby Watson?

Yeah.

Libby Watson got deported at some point, or she was at risk of getting deported.

She's our friend, or I haven't talked to her in a decade, but she's our friend.

She's a journalist.

She's from the UK.

So she came here and she have to get like the work kind of visa, you know, which is like an H1 or HB or whatever the fuck it is.

But you have to get, she had to get a work visa.

And she's a talented journalist.

So she gets a job job at a company.

And this was like 2014 or something.

So it was when like all these like online media companies were folding or whatever.

So I think her, her employer just went out of business and then she's at risk of being deported because you can't get a new, like she would have to find employment, then get them to do all the, like you have to get a whole new visa for a different company.

You know, you can't just, meanwhile, like if you can get an O1 visa for being just like the shittiest.

You're doing mics.

Yeah, for yeah, to come here to be a racist open micer, you can just fucking come here.

You can come here and go on stage and just say the n-word.

Well, you do have to like do so much shit in the O1 to like prove that you like you have to have press or like whatever.

And like, so you could go on stage and just say the n-word.

Yes, yes.

And you could say it's comedy.

That would be press.

And then, yeah, right.

Somebody will be like, look at this racist, and then you hand it over to the U.S.

government.

It's the U.S.

government, so they're like, I like this.

Yeah, right.

Please come here.

Yeah, yeah.

Salon.com, most racist stand-up set of all time.

Yeah.

Check out this Canadian.

That's yeah, that's a good idea, honestly.

You should have told her to do mics.

Yeah.

It's just a very, it's funny how

immigration is just so fucked up.

And that's that's the problem I have with immigration.

I mean, also, you're handing out the 0-1s too easily.

I mean, you also give it...

even when you're going back into the country, into the U.S.

with your visa, you're at the discretion of the TSA agent

at the border or the immigration agency.

Oh, if they don't like your attitude?

Yeah, if they don't like you, they won't let you in.

Oh, really?

That's happening to people.

Did you have to send clips to the government to prove?

Like, you don't have any crowd work?

No, no.

I came in pre-clip.

You came in pre-clip.

I came in pre-clip.

Yeah.

I applied for the green cards, though.

What do you have to do for that?

It's just like the same thing over again and just give money.

Basically, it's a cash grab.

Yeah.

Really?

How much does it cost?

You should have come in illegally.

You should have gone down to the southern border and just walked over.

Yeah, coyote.

You'd have a debit card right now.

From my understanding, they'd let you live in the mayor's house.

You get $100,000 from the government, apparently.

That's what I heard on Tucker.

Right.

Really?

Yeah,

they just give you a million dollars.

You get to just move into somebody's house on Staten Island.

Yeah.

If you're a hard-working blue-collar Italian,

like a policeman/slash construction worker.

You can't kick you out of your home.

You get their house.

Being a coyote is so cool.

It's a cool name.

We were talking about it the last episode.

Oh, were you?

It is so cool.

I re-watched Sicario.

I was like, damn, it's so awesome.

It's weird.

That's also what I said.

Yeah, it's a sick movie.

It's so awesome.

I mean, it's just a even the sequel is good.

Day of the Soledadadadadadadadadadadada.

A lot of characters, yeah.

De del Soledado.

It is just a For the Fellows style movie.

It's so For the Fellows.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like a.

I mean, because Emily Blunt is like the only woman in that and like just horrible things happen to her and she's confused the whole time.

She doesn't know what's going on, and then she just gets like choked.

It's realistic.

Yeah.

To be honest with you, I haven't seen Sicario since it came out.

I don't really remember.

I just remember you find out Benicio del Toro is a

hitman.

Yeah, yeah.

Sick.

That's what Sicario means.

Yeah.

And it's weird that they didn't know him bother translating that the entire movie.

I know.

I had to look up after.

I was like, what the hell?

If you speak Spanish and you watch that movie, there's no surprise twist at the end.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right.

Like, it's in the title.

It'd be like if Star Wars, it'd be like Star Wars was called Darth Vader S.

Luke Skywalker del Padre.

You know, like, that was just the title of it.

And you're like, ooh, what is this weird Spanish space movie?

I have no idea what could possibly happen.

It doesn't make any sense to it.

And then the scene where my goddamn.

So he's his dad.

Oh, that's what Darth Vader S.

S.

S.

L.

Padre del Luke Skywalker.

Damn.

He can't speak.

I thought it was a mijo.

I thought it was just weird Spanish bullshit nonsense.

Darth Vader was a bit more.

I don't even speak Spanish in the movie.

I thought Sicario is just one of those nonsense Mexican words like Chicano or

Tacos Bel Grande.

I had no idea that it was the surprise twist at the end.

It's sort of like a kind of like a rosebud situation.

Did you see the white hitman movie?

With Michael Fastbreak?

I saw it.

No, what's that?

It's like a...

Oh, no, but

he's narrating in his head the whole time.

It's about being a filmmaker or something.

It's not a film.

I think it's like a

joke in it where he makes a Wordle joke.

I want to see it.

I re-watched it.

It's a joke about Wordle in it.

I re-watched Seven recently.

I also re-watched Schindler's List was on TV.

I told Adam this yesterday.

I have not seen Schindler's List in a very long time.

You watched it with commercials?

No, I have.

Nick said he thought it was hilarious.

Well, it is.

It's very funny.

So there's a scene in Schindler's List.

There's a scene in Schindler's List where

Schindler owns all these Jews, I guess.

Which the whole story is absurd to me because he's a guy who's a Nazi Party member who goes to Poland when they invade Poland.

He's like, I can get cheap slave labor, and I won't even do any, I won't even be the guy running the business.

I'll get slave Jews to run the business.

And I'm just going to get pussy.

And he brings it the idea to Ben Kingsley.

And Ben Kingsley's like, so we do all the work and you do nothing.

And he's like, that's exactly right.

And he's like, your options are that or the fucking Holocaust.

And then he's like, okay, I guess we'll do this.

And then he doesn't do anything.

Eventually, he sees the liquidation of the Warsaw ghettos.

So he's like, wow, I think this Holocaust thing might be kind of bad.

But imagine that being your breaking point is watching children being lined up and shot.

Prior to that, everything else fine.

I always thought that the end of the story, he's it.

Well, that's what I'm getting to.

And that's what I'm getting to.

At the end, they're all like, thank you.

I would imagine half of the people were like, no, let's kill this.

Let's kill this guy.

Yeah.

There's no way.

Nobody likes that.

There's no way all of them were like, oh, this guy is a hero.

Yeah, it's almost like at the end he was like, oh, and I did it to help you.

Yeah, no, basically.

After I made record revenue.

Right, yeah.

No, he's like, oh, I could have sold more stuff, I guess.

They gave him a ring and a letter.

And Gandhi was in it.

Anyways, the thing that was funny to me.

Yeah, the man's versatile.

The thing that was funny to me is I have forgotten this scene was in it, but like he, all of the

his there's a scene where they close down basically so he had a factory in Warsaw and then they close down the ghetto and they open a prison labor camp.

And so they take all of his workers and bring them to the prison labor camp.

Then he has to negotiate to create his own camp attached to his factory, you know, so that he can have the workers back.

And then that closes and then they're all sent off.

So he has another labor camp that he like moves his factory to or something like that.

But some of his workers end up on the train to Auschwitz.

So they go to Auschwitz.

So he has to go to Auschwitz to get them back by bribing the fucking commandant or whatever.

And

then it's Auschwitz.

The scene prior to this is the gas chamber scene.

You know, where all the women think that they're going to be,

they all think they're going to be gas chambered.

And then it's like, oh, thank God it's just a shower.

And then they go outside.

And then they see the other line.

And those guys are going to the gas chamber.

And then you just see the smokestack.

And then it's the morning after.

And

Oscar Schindler has showed up to get his juice back from Auschwitz.

And he's just dressed like fucking dolomite.

He's dressed like a fucking.

He's got like a big dark wing duck hat on.

It's still the 1940s.

So, you know.

And he's got a big fur coat on and like the leopard print

scarf and stuff.

And it's just,

he looks like it's a Cat Williams special.

Just walking into Auschwitz, picking him like, where are my jews?

He's like American gangster where they're like, dude, don't.

Don't go too big.

Yeah, you're showing off.

Yeah, don't show off too much.

It's just very funny to imagine.

Because that probably happened.

You probably went to Auschwitz dressed like a pig.

Kings of comedy.

Yeah.

You think the ghettos during the Holocaust is why you're so comfortable with appropriation?

Because it was like ghetto?

But his family wasn't there.

No, no, we missed it.

Well, no, I mean, some of my family was there.

None of them.

No, they were all podcasting on a plantation in South Africa.

They weren't on a plantation.

No.

No.

People in my family died, yeah, for sure.

I don't know if you're in the middle of the day.

Name.

Name one.

Time's up.

All of my mom's dad's sisters.

All of my mom's dads.

Did you hear that?

He wasn't gay.

He was married to a woman.

That's his answer.

He was married to my woman.

He was a man's dad's.

He was married to a woman who sent him to an early grave.

Look, I'm not denying the Holocaust, but I am denying that Adam lost any family members.

That part of the Holocaust, I will deny.

I think that's an absolute lie.

And it makes you happy to do that?

Yeah, I mean, yeah.

The 20th century's darkest moment.

No, Nick's Jefferson.

Actually, he wished 5,999.

How many did you say?

Because the freelance were inflated.

Yeah, they were popping in South Africa.

My grandfather's brother, who my dad's named after,

he was in the.

Your dad's name is Grandpa's Brother?

This guy, I don't even think he has a family.

This motherfucker lies about everything.

I have a family.

I have parents.

What do you think?

I was like a boxcar kid?

I think the baby is cutting you up right now.

No, I'm saying you weren't a boxcar kid.

That's my exact point.

You said that I don't have a family.

Okay, but how did I get?

First of all, you're just completely missing an excellent joke.

Just completely.

funny.

My grandfather.

I laughed hard.

Vulnerable, I got.

Yeah.

That was a fear laugh.

It wasn't a real joke.

That was not fear.

You were like, I hope he doesn't come for Canada next.

I hope he does.

First, they came for the Jews.

Next, they came for the

stomach five.

Nobody in America.

Next, they came for the five.

Nobody in America knows anything bad that Canada has done because you're educated.

I know a lot of bad things.

It's nice that Canada just gets to sneak in.

Every time we go to war, Canada just gets to send their own guys to just commit atrocities.

And Canada catches no smoke for that.

None.

Yeah.

They were all over Iraq and Afghanistan.

Also, can I just say that, like, but

we were in World War II and World War I before the U.S.

Yeah, we're a Commonwealth.

Yeah.

Yeah, you guys are like, but you had like slightly different outfits.

You had like more of a, it was kind of like Scottish style.

You had berets and stuff.

My grandfather was in Italy during World War II.

Yeah.

He was a scout on a motorcycle.

He had a Nazi helmet that he took back.

He worked for Mussolini?

No, he was killing Italians.

Oh, so yeah, my grandfather.

He was on a motorcycle too.

My grandfather.

He was pretty sick.

There's like a sick-ass photo he had.

My grandfather's brother was stationed in Italy, too, and he was a gunner on a

plane, a bomber, British bomber.

And when we were doing the podcast during COVID, there was a picture of him behind me.

And like, Gustav was like, who's that, your boyfriend?

Or something?

And I was like, no, it's the only hero that in my family tree ever.

It's this guy that died in the RAF in World War II.

And some guy that listened to the show found out how he died.

He searched the military records.

My family didn't know.

Yeah.

He flew a second shift for someone after,

I think some guy wanted to get pussy off an Italian girl.

And he's like, can you fly my next shift?

Hell yeah.

It is so hacked, but that is kind of how you know you're getting older.

Is like the

World War II of it all.

Well, like liking World War II.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, I watched the Masters of Air.

See, people say that.

People say that, but it's like, I think I always liked World War II.

I don't think it's like...

I definitely would have been.

You liked aspects of it.

No, I liked the...

I always thought you liked war.

It's just history.

Yeah.

You got to hear both sides out.

No.

Those airplanes are nuts where they had like six guys.

It's crazy that everyone crashed.

They're getting shot up in them.

Yes.

everyone died.

Well, they don't die.

It's also crazy that they don't die.

Yeah.

They all parachute out and then go to POW camp and then do Hogan's Heroes and have like last year.

I think the getting into the World War II thing, I think that's true for boomers because they didn't do anything except like

World War II.

They were into AIDS

and then fucking steal all the money.

So they get old and they're like, oh, we've led these like hedonistic lives and destroyed the world.

But our dads.

But our dads did something.

So maybe I'll just become obsessed with World War II and pretend that I did something instead of just be a horrible fucking parasite.

Yeah.

Which is that entire generation.

It makes sense, honestly.

Yeah.

Yeah, it does.

It does make sense.

So we're not going to have, like, what is a millennial midlife crisis?

You're not buying a fucking Mustang and like.

Well, you can't afford anything.

Yeah, right.

Oh, these prices.

It's crazy these days.

Yeah.

So, yeah,

I think that's more of a boomer thing.

I don't think,

have you suddenly become into World War II?

Did you see a TV show that was good that happened to be, you know,

sure, yeah.

I mean, I mean, I mean, the earliest one is like what, what, the Saving Private Ryan and then Band of Brothers.

So it's like, you're a kid.

I was a kid when I watched those.

I was like, this is awesome.

Yeah, right.

And then Call of Duty.

Yeah.

Of course.

Yeah.

When Call of Duty was good.

That's our culture.

That was our culture.

That's how we were raised.

Life is Beautiful.

You ever see that?

Yeah, Roberto Benigni?

Yeah.

Great movie.

A lot better than Schindler's List.

I was going going to say this is much better than Schindler's List.

That's what Noah was saying.

Yeah, and you've repeated the argument to me multiple times.

He kept telling me about this argument between him and Noah about what Holocaust movie was.

I texted my Jewish friend, I said, I'm down to watch Schindler.

And he's like, it's like a Disney movie, Holocaust movie.

Well, Adam's favorite movie.

Like, it's not a Holocaust movie.

He's the boy in the striped pajamas

because of the boy element.

Yeah.

It's not funny.

It's like a pedophilia joke.

I know.

He said, he said the liar.

He said,

I'd really like to see the boy out of the striped pajamas.

That's the sequel.

I said,

that's the sequel.

What I'd love to see.

Either way, kid, we're going to camp.

Yeah.

It's crazy that Jews love going to camp so much.

And that has never been talked about before.

Everyone talks about it.

I read there's.

I like just sliding the couple.

Everyone's like,

you'd love to go somewhere where you get sucked off.

Like camp, you get sucked off.

Well, because we're so ugly.

Birthright, you get sucked off.

Because we're so ugly.

And our parents are kind of putting us into sex tourism so that we like marry our car.

Have you seen Auschwitz?

Have you gone to any of the tourists?

I didn't do it.

I didn't do it.

I kind of want to go.

Yeah.

Like do a show there?

What's that?

Do Tafts Fest at Auschwitz?

No, I wouldn't go with you.

Why wouldn't you go with me?

Because you would ruin the experience.

What are you talking about?

I'd do my own tour, but we'd like, we'd sit on the plane together.

You'd be saying stuff.

You'd be oscillating between trying to be funny and embarrassing me.

I wouldn't be trying to be funny.

Your whole thing is trying to be funny about Auschwitz.

First of all, I don't need to try to be funny, motherfucker.

I don't find it funny.

I don't find your

Auschwitz.

I don't find it funny.

It's the...

To be funny.

But you would, yeah, you would be funny.

I wouldn't make jokes about

it.

Yes, you would.

No, I wouldn't.

And then you'd be crying.

It would be one or the other.

He'd be rapidly.

But I think it'd be fair to say it would be nice probably for you to have him here because the jokes would be a defense mechanism.

Comedy is a way of.

Because he lost so much of his.

Comedy is a means of.

No, there'd be a guy there with the book.

They'd be like, I'm sorry, what's your name?

Comedy.

Common name?

Because we got an iPad right here.

First of all, my mom's dad's sister's died.

Oh, it looks like zero.

Second of all,

zero, nothing.

We're checking.

We have to go.

So go with me then, and we can see it.

We can look at the document.

And this man was snickering.

I was not snickering.

His family was playing fucking games.

And comedy is a i don't know if you've seen comedy is a defense mechanism that's what it's a way i would be i'm sure the open mics would simply i'm sure the open mics in the warsaw ghetto were

he went to the african american history i'm sure everyone was doing like i heard a holocaust survivor speak we went for a school trip i heard one come to my school in elementary too there's a holocaust museum in vancouver that Nathan Fielder now funds basically.

Oh, because of the...

That seems disrespectful to me.

What?

I don't think Nathan Fielder should be funding a Holocaust music.

Doesn't that sound like kind of because he was wearing

the Holocaust Museum brought to you by the Wringling Brothers?

The brand new creature.

Yeah.

He used to, like, that's a Vancouver music.

I remember this story, yeah.

And he, and the guy who created that is a Holocaust denier.

Yeah.

So then he met, he made like a sum it up to the microphone.

It still feels like kind of disrespectful that a clown is

sponsoring the Holocaust.

It's also, it's like, how

Bozo brings you the Holocaust museum.

How sad is it that a clown has to do that, though?

But if it's any clown, it should be Jerry Lewis.

When does that movie come out?

It's like soon, right?

Oh, it's like public domain or something?

Yeah, like 2028, I think.

Oh, it's Jerry Lewis?

Jerry Lewis made a movie where he plays a clown that gets sent to Auschwitz, and he like makes all the children in it.

It never came out.

Yeah.

In the gas chambers.

That's kind of like what Johnny Depp does.

What do you mean?

No, you're thinking of Pirates of the Character.

No, Johnny Depp,

he goes dressed up to dying kids.

He's like, I'm Cousin Jack Sparrow.

Jack Sparrow.

I'm Cousin Jack Sparrow.

But they've never seen it.

Really?

Well, it's like kids now.

They haven't seen Pirates of the Caribbean.

They probably have.

He's just like, that's the biggest movie franchise.

The highest-grossing movie of all time.

Yeah, literally.

You think a five-year-old kid with mesothelioma has seen Pirates of the Caribbean?

Yeah, I would have probably got it from the movie theater.

Yeah.

Probably got it from all the asbestos in the movie.

In his rings.

What do five-year-olds get mesothelioma?

I don't know.

I thought that was only like guys that did, like, have to do building demo and fucking

brake technicians from 30 years ago.

Who's getting

popcorn ceilings?

I just like asbestos.

Yeah.

I just like the word.

Oh.

You know what I mean?

Mesothelioma.

I mean, there's also like the other cancer, I like the sound of the word is sarcoma.

Yeah.

That's a good one.

What's your favorite?

These are all names you remember from Italian church.

My favorite cancer as a child.

My favorite cancer?

I was like in church church, so many Italians, and I was like, why are we going here?

This is Italian.

Father Rossi.

So

they were repugnant to you?

You found them.

No, I just was like, I'm blonde, and these people all have dark hair.

So you judge them for their complexion.

You know what I mean?

I just didn't get it.

It felt Italian.

It felt like we were doing something we weren't supposed to do.

I would get into it if I were you.

I mean, I got confirmed.

Sebastian's my confirmation name.

Like Sebastian Manascalco.

Yeah.

Like

I was like in church behind the business.

I realized the other day, Sebastian Maniscalco might be the highest paid Italian in the entire world.

He's got more money than Berlusconi?

I think he might be.

If you think about it, he might be the highest-grossing Italian person.

He's the COAT.

Yeah.

I want Sebastian Maniscalco.

He made $45 million on tour last year.

Like Adam ruins everything?

No.

Sebastian, like, you know how he's always like, why would you do that?

But he's just like, explaining, like, stop signs.

And we're just like.

I worked with him once a decade ago.

I doubt he remembers me.

But I would like him to have the flagship show on the Pissed Off Network.

He'd be great.

He would be great.

He'd be great on TPC.

You're right.

And he could just.

Why the hell is Sir Speed Bump here?

Why is Sir Speed Bump on the rock right here?

It's kind of Joe Para.

That's sort of how

Joe Perra to me, Sebastian.

Yeah.

Joe, Joe, I guess Paris.

Is Para Italian?

What is that?

Maybe he's a secret.

He loves tomatoes.

Yeah.

Wow.

He likes that.

Hi, Juan, hush, chimp.

Here's me.

Joe, Para, Paris.

He'd never fall asleep.

Joe Paris, Sebastian is too loud.

He can't go to sleep.

It would be cool to see those guys sewn together surgically at the back.

Yeah, and whispering twins.

Take turns wearing each other as a backpack.

We were talking about conjoined twins last night.

You ever hear about this?

Yeah, well, Lewis wanted to bring up, I did Legion of Skanks.

That lady got married.

He had to spend, yeah,

we had to talk about that.

And I bet you can imagine how that went on, Legion of Skanks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just asking how she sucks Dick, I guess.

Of course.

I mean, everyone's thinking it.

But it's also, no, but also...

I can imagine it.

I don't like, is your mind that lacking in spatial reasoning that you can't just imagine a two-headed woman sucking cock, and it's always presented as like, what the hell?

How the hell does that work?

Well, of course, everyone

imagine that.

Well, I used to want to fuck the

cartoon Monsters Inc.

Girl with all the snake hair.

Really?

What does that have to do with what?

What does that have to do with it?

Well, the snakes all have their own little heads.

Oh, okay.

So

it would be like a bunch of snakes also sucking you off while she's sucking you off.

And I thought that as a child.

You only have one penis.

Yeah, but I don't know.

They're just like lightly biting.

One of my favorite

Reddit stories.

Yeah, lightly biting sounds.

Just nibbling.

That sounds as nice as you could have put it.

Lightly biting?

I would love to have some light biting.

You remember that guy on Reddit that he posted he had two dicks?

Yes, of course.

But he did it.

It was very good at Photoshop.

So it made it look real like he had two dicks.

And then he got caught because he was making the dicks bigger at the time.

Even his fake dick.

he got too greedy yeah yeah yeah icarus icarus oh yeah too greedy yeah he's just like fucking susanna summers wiggerous that would be a cool story about a guy that just got he's like yo i'm gonna say it i think i earned the right

i'm gonna just try and drop it oh my god don't you think that's what happened to jamie kennedy though did he didn't say it no but he didn't move wigger he did that movie malibu's most wonderful no he did so many movies like that that that just became his thing and then eventually people were just done with it how many movies one movie.

It's just that movie.

No, there's a bunch of movies.

No, name them.

Name them.

There's that movie where he's in.

He's wrong.

He's in a breakdancing group as a kid, and then he hits his head because he tries to do a backflip.

You're thinking of You've Got Served, it's not Jamie Coma.

No, and then he and then he stomped the yard, it's not Jamie Kennedy.

He's a coma, and he wakes up years later.

Save the last time, and it's like breakdancing again.

No, that's the best.

And he's the breakdance movie.

This is yesterday, the Indian Beatles movie.

The Indian guy who no, this is the Jamie Kennedy breakdancing movie.

We movies.

You don't know movies.

I know cinema.

When you were in grade two, you weren't allowed to

go to fucking the movie theater.

Yeah.

Your town banned movies.

Yeah, I love the way they say things weird in Canada.

Maybe later tonight we'll have movie.

Maybe later tonight we'll have a movie tonight.

After we take dinner, we'll have movies.

We don't have movie tonight.

We could go tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Movie tomorrow.

We can have a movie tomorrow after we take dinner together.

Try to have zines tomorrow and then go to the movie

sessions yeah

grade two is so stupid grade two

they don't even learn school in school dude they said it wrong yeah they'll learn how to say that on the show gab grade two grade two what do you deGrossie dude come on you ever see Bo Burnham's grade eight what bad stuff did canada do you said that earlier war of 1812 is that no that's good we won we beat America yeah French and Indian war did Canada well I mean we

assimilated an entire culture of First Nations people.

What's the bad stuff?

Residential schools, which was just kind of the bad stuff.

Did Canada help Britain burn down the capital?

That was 1812.

Yeah, I think they did.

But it was Britain at the time.

Yeah.

Yeah, but Canada.

They weren't even Canada.

They killed a bunch of First Nation people.

I don't care about that.

Buried them under schools.

That is none of my damn business.

Sounds about white.

Yeah.

Look, first of all, the last I cared about them, they had baseball teams named after them.

Do you you take that away?

Well, no, I'm not going to learn.

Whoop!

I don't know who you're talking about.

It's funny how all the teams are.

The last thing reminding me of these people was Chief Wahoo.

Chief Wahoo.

Chief Wahoo.

And now that that's gone,

I don't know anything about it.

I've never heard of it.

Well, maybe you need to shut the fuck up and watch the new true detective.

Which I didn't even watch season three.

I didn't even watch season two.

I've only seen the first season.

That's bad.

How about that for First Peoples?

Yeah.

That's the First Peoples I fuck with.

Matthew and fucking Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson.

Yeah.

And those tits, dude.

Wow.

Bro, he was so crazy.

He was talking about time.

It's a flat circle.

I didn't understand that part at all.

It was crazy.

It was confusing.

It is fun.

I mean, that's how you know.

That's the strength of a television maker.

That's why I think Sons of Anarchy is like one of the best shows ever made.

Yeah.

Because it's like...

That show gets so stupid.

It's the dumbest fucking thing in the world.

It's great television.

And you're like, bikers are not this smart.

And I know a couple HAs.

But they're not smart.

It's like

the show.

H-A.

Hell's Angels?

Hell yeah.

Yeah, so do we.

We're best friends.

The show is like

written.

We can't talk either.

Yeah.

The show is like written like

the motorcycle wrote it.

I mean, it's not, it doesn't seem like a smart show.

It's really.

he goes to like Ireland to stop.

Well, he goes to Ireland because his baby is stolen.

Irish people steal his baby.

Like the Lucky Charms guy, that's what happens.

That's the season cliffhanger.

Is it a leprosy?

He's from Lucky Charms.

Steals his baby.

The next big sex traffic.

Next season.

The season ends with them riding the motorcycles onto a cargo plane.

And then the next season opens with them riding.

So they ride the motorcycles to Ireland, literally.

They ride them off, and now the theme song is different.

It's like,

they have like fucking bagpipe, like dropkick Murphy's music to let you know they're in Ireland now for the entire season.

But then also, when their home base is in like Texas.

No, it's not.

It's North Canada.

Is it the North?

It looks like Texas.

It's Northern Canada.

Or Northern California.

Yeah.

They're Redwood.

That's what Sam Clay.

It's basically Texas.

Sam Crow stands for.

What is it?

Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club Redwood Original.

So they're from Redwood, California.

That's where the club starts.

Wow.

I've watched every single episode.

I should love watching Sons of Anarchy.

I've seen Charlie Hundam once in person.

He was driving in a car beside me.

That's one of Nick's best friends.

I worked with him.

Yeah.

They worked together.

Oh, right, on the boxing movie.

Yeah.

I was a consultant

as a fighter.

And they got along famously.

There was a mess up in the paperwork.

I love when a boxer doesn't want to do it.

The boxer rebellion, you mean?

The boxer.

The boxer that's probably boxing, but he's like, I can't do this anymore.

There's the reluctance to box.

Boxers in movies are always the dumbest guys, but then they always have

a lot of heart, honor.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But what's a boxing movie where they don't want to box anymore?

There's that one.

There's, I don't know.

But no, he does.

It's not that, I mean, that's.

It's that the wife doesn't want them to box.

That's not the plot of that.

But it's always in a boxing movie that the wife is like,

if you go out there one more time, I'm out of here.

I'm gone.

And then she always shows up.

And then she comes back and he's like fighting it.

He's like, I love you, babe.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's Cinderella Man.

That's Rocky.

Yeah, it's pretty much everyone.

Yeah.

And that's, that's, you know, girls don't know what they're talking about.

I still haven't seen Million Dollar Baby.

They did not have to put that stool out.

Like, that movie's so sad.

That movie is awesome, dude.

That movie's so sad.

He put that stool out.

I'm like, you slow old man.

Like, pull that out.

Yeah.

Pull that back out.

And then she kills herself by biting her tongue.

That's awesome.

It's really sad.

I found a YouTube channel yesterday that's just a guy that's like, hey, guys,

it's called like Brave Wilderness or something.

And this is the theme of the channel.

I'm assuming.

I only watch one video.

He's like, we're out here in the Arizona desert.

And tonight, I'm going to find a blonde tarantula, an Arizona blonde-backed tarantula.

It's the biggest spider in Arizona.

And I'm going to have it bite me to see if that hurts worse.

And he's like, now they're out out at night because they go out hunting at night now there's a lot of stuff there's rattlesnakes and scorpions this motherfucker's just it's dark it's night time i almost said dark time it's dark time he's out there and he's finding he's like he finds he's like okay this is a rattlesnake and he's just fucking like picking up with a hook and moving it and then he's like oh look look at this scorpion and he picks up the scorpion by the stinger he's like yeah he's pinching me and it's like this it's produced well i mean it's crazy since the stuff people are doing on youtube now is insane it's like completely surpassed television He's picking up this fucking scorpion.

This is not even the point of the video.

And then he's just like, he's like, all right, well, enough of this fucking thing.

Tosses it aside.

Finds a giant spider.

I mean, the thing's like the size of a softball.

And he's like, okay, this is good.

And he just sort of picks it up and he's saving it for the morning.

And then he finds an even bigger one.

He's like, I'm going to have them both.

This one's male.

This one's female.

I'm going to have them both bite me to see, guys, we got to do a bite comparison.

If guys are cool as you can see.

And then, yeah, right.

And then it's like the next day he's like, oh, she's pissed.

Look at her.

And then he gets the spider, and they have it up close, and he's fucking putting it on his hand, and it bites him, and he's like, ah, fuck.

He's like, yeah, it didn't really look like I got enough venom here.

Let's try it again.

And then he does it again.

The fucking thing's teeth go into his hand.

He's like, okay, yeah, she got me good.

All right.

He's like, I got the Epi pen here in case anything bad happens.

He has a problem.

Yeah, no, it's insane.

The stingray guy.

And then he gets the male spider.

Yeah, what's it?

The Australian guy.

Yeah, Steve Irwin.

But that's excusable because when you hear an Australian actor, when you see a man harassing animals with an Australian accent, you're like, well, this man is barely above the animals.

Right.

This is a fucking, this is basically another species.

It's not human.

Yeah, right, exactly.

So it doesn't bother me any more than those videos of monkeys pulling a tiger's tail.

That's Steve Irwin.

The English put them down there and didn't give him any books.

Right.

Seeing Steve Irwin wrestle an alligator is like watching debate club for me.

It's not like, you know, this is too.

Right, but this guy sounds normal and he grew up in like a normal society.

Yes.

To then where he's not an Australian.

He's been frit by a bug once and he was like, this is it.

Yeah, right.

It's rare to find your colleagues.

And then he gets the male tarantula and the male one won't bite him, even though it's stronger.

And he's like, see, that guy, that just goes to show you guys they're more afraid of us than we are of them.

And it's like, well, you could have said that.

I don't

like I don't think you need to make a video where you go out into the desert and have dangerous giant spiders bite you.

Also, look at the men in every species, the males showing such patience and grace.

Can we just note that?

But then you go to the comments.

Women bite.

You go to the comments.

No logic.

No logic.

And

it's a bunch of people being like, thank you.

This really helped me.

For what?

Well, they all had blonde tarantulas at home and they're about to get picked.

They were like, I was afraid of spiders.

They were like, I was afraid of spiders and this helped me.

I'm like, I don't know what help means.

I don't understand human psychology.

I don't know

what people respond to.

And then you look further, and then the other half of the comments are like, why isn't Coyote on the channel anymore?

And it's like, well, they had a falling out behind the scenes.

And it's a subreddit.

Yes, there's just the fucking drama about

the brave,

making spiders bite you.

Cog left the show.

It's like everything is.

Everything is just this.

And it's all literally all the fault of the Anthony or the Opian Anthony subreddit.

Yeah, it's true.

Those guys have those guys have because there's a thing like 4chan led to Trump, right?

And now there's maybe some kind of overlap between

4chan and the Opian Anthony subreddit.

But the style of subreddit that the Opian Anthony community created is now that's everything.

It's like Agent Smith.

It's just that's fucking internet culture is people way too deep into whatever community,

not even community, it's a fucking thing.

People just make garbage for the internet.

It's content.

You should not.

It's just crap.

You should just say, this is shit, and then go do something else.

That's just why did Coyote leave the street?

Yeah,

why are we not seeing Coyote being bitten by spiders as much as we used to?

It's because he fucked Dangerous Dan's wife or something.

I have no idea what the drama is, but there's all these people trying to dig into this, and they have all of these levels into it.

They're mad at him.

And it all started there.

But it's like, this all has to, like, there's a velocity to all of this.

And it's like, what is the political, like, downstream culmination of the opening?

Because we're going to get fucking, we're going to get the opening Anthony subreddit president.

And it's not Donald Trump.

Red bar is going to be president.

It might be.

I think we got a Karl Rove red bar.

We might.

I don't see him as president.

I see him as like a Dick Cheney type.

And there'll be a student.

Students.

Yeah.

We got to get a real.

We got a Lewis president.

Yeah.

Red bar vice president.

Jane Gillis president, Mike David, fucking chief of staff, being like, let's go to war with Canada.

Red bar signing off on

a country address,

telling us he's always watching.

A country address?

What's a country address?

State of the Union?

Yeah, sure, whatever.

I would love it if they called it a country address.

You got to study.

Addressing the country.

I don't fucking know.

Yeah.

I got to tune in for the country address.

Simple, easy mistake.

Easy mistake, simple.

Do you like Mike David surveillance state?

Do you like Justin, Prime Minister?

I voted for him.

He's the first time.

What's crazy is you can just stay prime minister for a long time.

There's no terms.

Really?

Yeah.

And he's young, too.

Yeah.

This is

his third term.

He's like 44.

You could tell me he was 26, and I'd be like, yeah, probably.

That sounds right.

He's cool.

Yeah, I mean, I vote NDP now.

I don't really like him on that.

Who's that?

Neil deGrasse Price?

No, yeah.

No, the new Democratic Party.

It's like more left than the Liberals because Liberals are center in Canada.

And Conservative Party's obviously right-wing.

NDP.

NDP.

Who's

funny?

Jagmeet Singh.

Jagmeat Singh?

Yeah, he's singing.

That's such a funny name.

Sounds sick.

Jagmeat Sing.

Anytime I hear him.

Sick, he is jacked.

He's buffed.

People are always kind of being like, oh, Justin and Jagmeat should fight.

And he'd kill Justin.

He would kill Justin.

He's got hands.

Yeah.

He does BJJ.

What's that, Blowjob job?

Blow Job.

He's a Seek guy.

Does he have the

target?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he's cool.

I've heard the name in passing, and I'm like, I already know enough here.

Yeah.

I want to know.

He's the premier of BC, but I mean, well, no, he's not the premier of BC, but he's the head of the NDP party.

Sounds so sick.

NAA DP.

Yeah, coming straight out of

BC

penetration.

Okay.

NDP.

We got to have him on the show, dude.

Do you know him?

So you vote, so you live here, but you still vote in Canada.

I don't want him here.

So when you call a number and you're like, oh, the fucking Indian guy, thanks.

Jacques Meek.

Anybody can vote in their, like, where they're from, like, from out of country.

It's always funny to me when Canada got Canada has

the freedom Canada guys.

They're like, what about our fucking liberty?

It's like, that's not Alberta.

That's not separate.

Well, any of anybody.

Alberta wants to become part of the Canadian.

Canadian liberty guys.

Canadian guys that are like, oh, about freedom of choice and speech.

It's like, that's not your country, you fucking idiot.

Stop acting.

Yeah, Canada actually doesn't have freedom.

Yeah, you don't have that.

Canada,

what about being able to say whatever you want, then leave?

That's not your country.

There's this comic from Quebec, and he made a joke about some kid that was on TV that was disappeared.

You got to go talk to a human rights tribune.

He went to the human rights tribune and he loved it.

He went to Guantanamo, Canada?

Yeah.

Wow.

None of it.

He got black back.

I have friends that get upset about that.

They're like, you know what's happening in the UK?

If you call a woman a bitch, you go to jail.

And it's like, yeah, that's a different country.

Yeah.

Like, why?

I don't.

It's funny because it does kind of belie like a racist understanding of the world.

They're like, yeah, but it's a white country.

So shouldn't they have white people rules?

Because there's other countries that are first world countries that have

restrictive rules.

I know.

And I feel like if the freedom of speech dudes knew about that other places there weren't freedom of speech, they'd chill out a bit.

They'd be like, all right, why am I.

We have it.

Yeah.

Even if we don't, I kind of don't give a fuck about it anymore.

Yeah.

I don't care.

You're always saying you can't say anything anymore.

Do I say that?

All the time.

That's all I hear about you.

I don't think my understanding is...

I've just never been motivated.

Because I say things that are bad but the intention has always been like oh it'd be funny if i say this and i get banned from this website right it's never it's never been like i should be able to say no i don't actually think you do i think there are people that like kind of grift in a way where they're like you can't say anything anymore well it is but they just say that and that makes them money yeah you know what i mean whereas you don't acknowledge it and you just say whatever you want i might i think i might

you're hemorrhaging i think i'm ready to grift i think i'm ready to

grift yeah but i don't it's like is there room for that anymore I feel like I would look like an idiot.

If you could promise me.

Four years ago, you kind of missed the window.

Exactly.

Now, if you grift, you're like, what?

It's a little late.

If you could promise me $100 million, I would do it.

Yeah.

Not at this time.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to see how it works out for Ian Finance.

I'll see how it goes.

Is that what he's up to?

I think so.

I think he went on Rogan and said that he was like, dude, these squatters are insane.

We need to kill homeless people.

He literally looks like that.

Yeah, I think he said that.

You're not sure exactly.

I'm sorry, Ian Finance looks like that.

He looks like what?

A squatter.

I know he does.

But in the toilet.

Squatting over some new talk.

You can't say that anymore.

That's a man you'd find living in your toilet, in the upper tank of your toilet.

Hey, guys.

You're like, what the fuck are you doing?

He's like, too late.

It's been 32 days.

You got to give me a lease.

I wish he wouldn't say anything anymore because his breath stinks.

Does it?

Ian's got bad breath.

That's honestly one of the most damaging things you can say about somebody.

Shane said, it's not going to be all the shit.

Of all the shit you can really hear about somebody.

It'd be like he was a rapist.

I could be on here and say, like, somebody, oh, actually, Ian raped a woman.

And it wouldn't be like, people would be like, well, we got to hear both sides.

If you say somebody's breath stinks, everyone's immediately

like, oh, because they know.

They're like, I knew it.

It smells like poo.

I would take a vow of silence.

It was a really embarrassing thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

One night Shane was like, no, he's like,

no,

you're drunk.

You're annoying everyone.

I wasn't there.

Your breath is awful.

And then I was like, and Nimesh was there.

I was like, is my breath bad?

He's like, I just didn't say it, but it's horrible.

Yeah.

It's been horrible all night.

And I felt so embarrassed.

Shane, I wasn't there for it.

Shane called me the next day to tell me.

First of all,

it was at Madison Square Garden for Chappelle's show or something?

Yeah, Dave Chappelle's show.

Dave Chappelle's show.

Shane invites Adam.

No, not in a minute.

The son did.

Shane invites Adam.

Chappelle's son.

And then Shane calls me up the next day to bitch about Adam's behavior.

I had bad behavior.

And then, but

didn't invite me.

Didn't invite me.

He calls the guy he

deliberately excluded from this big night at Madison Square Garden.

And then calls me to be like, dude, Adam was fucking really embarrassing himself last night.

And so I was like, oh, I was.

He was, dude.

You were.

And I was like,

sounds hilarious, Shane.

And he's like, what's the problem?

And I'm like, that I even have to spell it out.

fucking, that I'm just excluded from this.

Nick Love stayed in the middle of the street.

Also, though, that's an awesome story.

What?

You're like, because it's like a big, like, it's like a big thing.

You know what I mean?

Like, at least he's embarrassing himself somewhere like cool.

You know what I mean?

Right, exactly.

You know what I mean?

It's not just like when you invite Wardell over for dinner and he like

embarrassing in front of your girlfriend.

Yeah, no, it's oh, I had Adam at our skybox at the Super Bowl.

Jane didn't invite him.

He embarrassed himself.

I'm letting you know who I didn't invite.

You were too gay to even come.

I assumed you'd embarrass me.

And so you weren't even fucking invited.

He didn't.

And then he invites Adam.

He didn't.

And then Adam, of course, is

drunk.

He ate feces before.

I had poo, breath.

He had poo embroidered.

And I had fucking Travis Scruff.

Yeah.

And then he's going around saying it was because I had a cigarette.

And he's just stinking up the place with his halatose.

It was because I had a cigarette.

Meanwhile, I'm at home scrubbing the floors

of my home.

Scrubbing the floors.

Yeah.

We live together.

Do you know that?

One One bed.

It's insane that he did that.

I'm sorry, dude.

I haven't spoken to Shane.

I was trying to show Chappelle.

I haven't spoken to Shane since.

Did you speak?

You were trying to show Chappelle like old Howard Stern clips on his phone.

No, I was trying to show him.

I was trying to show him what I was doing.

It's like a Wardell thing.

And Shane's telling me all this awful stuff he had to do, and I had to pretend like I didn't care because I was hurt.

Yeah.

I had to be like, oh, yeah.

Oh, man.

That sucks.

He would do it.

Yeah.

Okay.

I don't understand why you're telling me.

I wouldn't have done that if I was there.

I don't want to be there.

Honestly, you know what?

I think I'm going going to go buy Dreamcast.

I don't even know what you're talking about.

I don't think I did anything that bad.

I think the celebrities were fake and bullshit.

And I don't respect them.

He went up to his Z.

I could see that as well.

He went up to Aziz.

I've never met him.

And he's like, he's like, dude, that sucks that you got fucking accused of shit.

I didn't say that I didn't do that.

Master of none.

I didn't.

And by none, we mean fingering.

This is a false accusation.

Yeah.

You know, those happen.

I didn't put any fingers in that woman.

I put one fist.

That's

the claw.

The fist.

The first Randy.

Yeah, he was doing Aziz, Randy.

He was doing Randy to Aziz.

I was telling him, I was like, remember that Randy joke, and I said it, and he just looked at his phone.

He hated it.

Yeah.

Imagine being that annoying, but then on top of that, your breath is just rotten.

My breath was bad, and I was like, like it, love it.

Gotta have it.

What kind of crackhead terminology is that?

I'm fucking the butterfinger.

I'm tweaking.

That's so funny.

That movie's funny.

I'm getting this day after.

I didn't do that, by the way.

For the fans, I didn't do that in reality.

Yeah, that's what he did.

I just had bad breath.

That's it.

I asked.

I checked.

I called a couple of people that were there.

Who said it?

Literally everybody that was there, dude.

Travis Scott.

Everybody.

He went up to Travis Scott and fucking put his arm around him.

It gave him goosebumps.

Yeah.

Every time.

Every time.

Yeah.

I saw Travis Scott for four months before he was famous.

And he only did 20 minutes because, of and then I found out later it's because the venue didn't have chicken shit I want to keep rolling but I'm going to piss and that was on his rider I have to pee too I thought we were going to call um

I'll pee after Nick peas bro I can't believe you fucking did that to Nick

I didn't do anything

and also I invited him

can I just say this you didn't do anything to Nick

you did everything to yourself Nick wasn't even there so Nick is taking whatever your actions are and making them his own.

He was invited.

He's offended.

He was invited.

He's lying in public.

He's lying in public.

You think so?

He does it all the time.

Yeah.

He said, oh, 6 million is a high number.

It's a lie.

Yeah.

They're a higher numbers.

7 million, 8 million.

I can see what you were saying about him and Robbie Hoffman.

Sorry.

Oh, yeah.

Him and Robbie.

Yeah, him and Robbie are the same.

Yeah, I'd said it was like.

My culture is not a costume.

Are you Scottish?

Huh?

Yeah.

When Robbie came and did the show, it was like two dogs smelling each other's asses at the dog park.

They were just

smell a dog's ass than your breath at Meredith Madison Square Garden.

Come on, bitch.

Randy.

Randy.

I'm tweaking.

I'm tweaking.

I'm tweaking.

I'm tweaking it.

That was really funny.

Aziz should have apologized in his special as Randy.

That would have been so.

So, so, so, sorry.

I'm sorry, Randy was getting a little head.

Randy asked for a pussy.

Randy doesn't believe in power dynamics.

The DJs.

If I take you out for dinner, then you better be fucking.

That's funny, dude.

Was that the genesis of Indian comics

doing Black Scent?

Was the Randy character specifically?

Is that patient zero of that phenomenon?

No, I don't really think Indian comics do Black Scent outside of like, you know, three people that, you know,

I think there's a lot of like

kinds of people.

I don't wanna pigeonhole a different kinds of people.

Yeah.

Can you just what kinds of people are there?

Um

white people.

Why people?

Black people.

Yeah.

What's up, dude?

I gotta peeve.

I have to pee too.

You ever wait so long to piss and then you piss and then you finally do and it feels like uh

feels like you're shitting yourself.

I literally want to feel it right now because I do have to.

You can know.

Guess goes first, Adam.

Why do you think I've been saying that?

You're going to talk shit, but don't do this.

This, like, I have to go to the bathroom.

Well, I have to go to the bathroom.

You need to take initiative.

Gavin thought you were being serious about that whole made-up story about my breath smelling and Madison Square Garden.

He thought that was a real thing.

Well, I guess we're just going to have to.

It's Shane's story to tell.

Well, it's a lie.

Joseph Goebbels said, a lie told often enough becomes

the truth.

And if you're saying this in a public platform, people are going to actually think I have bad breath and stuff like that.

But people never knew what he was saying that in reference to.

That's why it was always funny.

It's like people throw that quote around, and it's like, when did he say this?

What preceded that right beforehand?

Like someone was probably like, well, you're like,

aren't you gay?

Yeah, and he was like, if I i say i'm not gay enough then it's true no he was like i wasn't but people kept saying it and i was like fuck it i'll fuck guys

i think that's maybe what happened yeah we should look into that and see what uh that hitler's main propagandist meant by that

was that his only job yeah gossip some of those upper echelon nazis really had nothing jobs like who

him kind of he was just like oh i come up with little stories yeah headlines yeah yeah slogans.

Yeah.

He's like a brand consultant.

Yeah.

Man, I got one of those pimples in my earlobe.

Excruciating.

Horrible.

Yeah.

Well, Albert Speer.

You know, he was at Nuremberg.

Yeah, it is funny that he had to go to jail for doing architecture.

Yeah, we've talked about that before.

That's kind of crazy.

Uh-huh.

Oh, hey, dude.

What?

What the hell were you going to say?

You You forgot to wipe?

Nothing.

He was trying to deny the story, man.

No, we were doing a bit, and it's not a big.

Look, you know?

Whatever.

You weren't talking about me.

No, you?

No, we don't.

I don't care.

Is this behind a paywall?

It's going to be a Patreon episode.

This is completely...

Witch, if you have anything to plug.

Oh, yeah.

Please watch my special.

It's good, but no one has really seen it.

It's on YouTube.

It's called Progression.

It's on All Things Comedies YouTube.

I like it.

I'm proud of it.

Yeah.

Good job.

Thanks.

Good job.

It's good to be proud of things.

I guess we all had to do a special.

We all had to do a YouTube special.

Yeah.

I mean, I was trying to sell it, but it just didn't sell.

And then it took so long to come out.

You know,

I didn't want to because it felt like a thing that you were supposed to do.

And anytime there's a thing I feel like I'm supposed to do, I'm like, well, that doesn't seem right.

But then I think about it, that was the only reason I ever did a podcast is because it was yet another fucking thing you just had to do as a comedian.

I mean, I felt like I had to do it because I didn't want to post clips and I was like, if I'm going to post clips, I want it to be from an hour where I like worked on things.

Yeah.

And then I'll post those because I wanted to at least have like a body of work out there instead of just like posting.

stand-up jokes from like a bunch of different venues.

It feels so pointless to like then have a platform because I don't have a body of work.

None of that shit matters though, because it's like, you know, Adam is always,

Adam loves saying body of work.

He's like, you know, what matters is a body of work.

Sure.

And it's like, yeah.

I mean, if you're a painter

or an author, if you're

like, what we do is stupid.

Of course.

You know, it's like,

also, nobody thinks about, and nobody, while they're making things is like thinking about like

what they're going to do when they're done doing it.

So like people that think about a body of work are also thinking like years in advance.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Most comedians are just being like, I need to do this now, now, now.

right to like capitalize on the algorithm.

Like, they don't care.

Yeah,

damn.

The only person doing cool stuff is like Bo Burnham.

Yeah.

He's like the only he's like doing songs about having anxiety.

Like, that really helped.

That sounds awesome.

That really helped me.

Oh, did it?

Yeah.

Okay.

I haven't seen it.

Is it funny?

No, I haven't.

I liked his show.

Zack Stone is going to be famous on MTV.

It's very funny.

Yeah, and I like the movie Grade 8.

Eighth grade?

Oh, Grade 8.

Yeah, very good.

Very good.

I got a big, you were out.

I got a big pimple in my earlobe.

Oh, my God.

Nick, I tell you, I had a fucking huge whitehead in it in mine yesterday.

It's excruciating.

No, I literally had a whitehead.

It hurt so much.

I never had it in there.

Yeah, really?

No, I used to get them real bad, and then they would calcify, and then I would have a hard lump in my fucking earlobe.

Yeah, I've never had that before.

Did you use it to pierce your ears?

Did I used to pierce my ears?

Did you sleep the ears?

No, I could sleep over his ears.

Did you have pierced nipple?

No, I think I just.

You kind of have a vibe of someone that might have pierced something at some point.

No.

Yeah.

Interesting.

I think I'm just oily.

Yeah.

Do you have a nose ring?

No.

No.

That's for girls.

Adam has an earring.

What if I just came back tomorrow with a septum piercing?

That would be so random and wacky.

That would be so crazy.

Yeah.

I'm just trying out

being like a depressed girl.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Remember the left the kids at the left, what was it?

What's the left one?

The right ear is the gay one.

The left one is the straight one.

Everyone knows that, dude.

Yeah.

You mix it up.

This kid, Lucas Finnerty, used to have like a pierced, he pierced the wrong ear.

Yeah.

In school.

What a bitch.

Yeah.

That's funny, too.

I actually, we used to be.

Because we knew that.

I got my ear pierced in second grade.

And I did it at Claire's.

And I went in and I was like, I don't know, I guess the right one, I'm right-handed.

And the lady, thankfully, at Claire's, was like, no, you don't want it on that side.

And I was like, why?

I was in second grade.

She goes, because that's the, she tells me it's because that's for homosexuals.

At Claire's.

Yeah, I was like, oh, thank God.

And so I got the left one.

But even in second grade, people knew.

People knew that.

And it's like, so if I got it on the other year, you would imagine that me in second grade, I'm going around fucking guys.

You're in bathhouses.

Like I'm right.

Yeah, you're cruising

at clubs with fucking guys in second grade.

I was cruising in grade two.

Yeah.

Yeah.

See, the propaganda, is that, would we call that like some kind of propaganda?

It's like the, remember, did you ever hear about Sierra the singer?

That was like the first person.

Yeah, they said that she was like a hermaphrodite.

Those are like, those are urban

urban myths.

That's generational because the generation before is Gen X.

They said general myths.

Jamie like the boogeyman.

Jamie Lee Curtis.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then every generation they have.

Marilyn Manson took his rib out.

Cleopatra.

It was Prince took his rib cage out, and then it was Marilyn Manson who took his ribcage out.

And then Cleopatra was a hermaphrodite.

Yeah.

Whose generation was that?

Something BC.

Whatever, dude.

I wonder if she was actually fire.

You think she was fucking

Julius?

She was throwing pussy around the whole globe.

Julius Caesar would be pissed about Orange Julius?

Yeah, probably.

It's like annoying, right?

It's a shitty place.

Entire legacy boiled down to like sugary smoothies.

It's embarrassing.

It's like not even the good new smoothie.

Yeah, it's not Jamba juice.

Yeah.

Do you like Jamba juice?

No, I don't like any of the juice places.

I don't like any smoothie.

I have a Vitamix.

I can make a much better smoothie than any of these fucking places.

I have a ninja.

Yeah,

the Vitamix is better.

Yeah, of course.

Vitamix is the best one on the market, you idiot.

The Vitamix is literally the best one.

Is it really?

When we

first made Mojo, you would be like, well, I have a ninja.

I mean,

get the fuck out of here.

It's really embarrassing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Go back to

come at my ninja like that.

No, you were trying to.

Oh, wow.

You were trying to flex on.

I wasn't wasn't trying to flex.

I was just trying to have a goddamn cut.

The Pontiac of Finnish.

When we first made my face.

The Pontiac of Frontiers.

I haven't seen a Pontiac in years.

Because it's just Ninja this morning.

That's the point I make.

Yeah,

it's not accurate.

Poor old Ninja thinks it's a Vitamix.

Is it grounding up the spinach like that?

Huh?

The Vitamix.

You still get little tiny spinach.

Of course,

it's the premier product on the market.

You can put a stick in there.

It'll turn it on.

What is that what smoothie places use of Vitamix?

Yes.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Sometimes they use a blend tech.

Blend tech is second.

Usually a Vitamix.

And so Ninja is way down.

We know this because when we first made money from Cometown, the three of us all got Vitamix.

I did not get a Vitamix mixer.

I did.

I have it in my house.

Actually, it was my idea.

I got a mixer.

Was that?

I have a KitchenAid mixer.

I have one too.

A stand mixer, yeah.

The only nice appliance I don't have is I still have, because

for whatever reason, it's like the appliance I've held on to through my adulthood is a piece of shit blackened decker toaster that works.

It was like a fucking $5, $8 toaster.

I don't use a toaster when I'm toasting things.

Well, you don't need a fancy toast.

There's no way to make, it's just heating up bread.

There's not.

Yeah, I'd rather heat up bread with butter in a pan.

Interesting.

In like a cast iron.

Yeah.

Classic styles.

You're just saying that because you think girls are listening, dude.

I don't think girls are listening.

Girls love doing things less efficiently like that.

Like my girlfriend didn't want to get a microphone.

It tastes better to slowly heat the bread and butter than it does to put it in a toaster sandwich.

It's because you're putting butter on it.

Yeah, that's a good thing.

A toaster doesn't add butter.

You don't have butter.

You can do it in a toaster oven.

If I just want a fucking tuna salad toaster,

it's a great white sandwich.

If I just want a tuna salad sandwich and I want to toast the bread real quick, I'm doing it in my $8 Black ⁇ Decker toaster.

You know what's also good is the $10 Black ⁇ Decker George Foreman rip-off.

Can we switch to Adam's camera?

He just picked his nose and ate it.

Come on.

We'll just make sure, time stamp this, and we'll make sure that switch happens.

I heard a couple seconds ago.

I heard he was doing that kind of stuff at MSG.

He absolutely was.

Walk around with just booger poo-poo breath.

Yeah, he picked his nose.

Well, that's how he got the bad breath.

Yeah.

It was just.

It's kind of the his boogers are the opposite of gum.

Yeah.

He's like, people are like, your breath smells.

He's like, what do you mean?

And then he picked his nose and ate the booger.

What do you mean?

I just did a booger.

You have to do it the other way.

We have fun, don't we?

You have to do it the other way.

You got to pick your mouth and put it in your nose.

I think things happen, and I think if anyone was your real friend there, they would have told you in secret.

I'm a talk show host, no.

Yeah.

I'm very well respected these days.

Yeah, I respect both of you guys.

I respect you, too.

You're a great comic, and people should please go check out Gavin's special.

It's very funny.

Your special probably has more viewers in this

show.

Until we get the center console and the whole conversion band.

I think that's going to do it, dude.

It literally doesn't.

It's crazy.

It doesn't?

No, I felt like...

I don't know.

All Things Comedy has like half a million YouTube subscribers, but that means, I guess, nothing.

I mean, they're probably putting out a special video.

I think my shit got buried because I talk about pedophilia on it.

Did they put it out there?

Or maybe you didn't have a good thumbnail image.

But they put out a bunch of specials.

Yeah.

So it gets lost in the mix of...

That's like regular content for them.

Yeah.

Everybody else, they put it out on their own channel.

Their own channel regularly gets like, what, 100,000 views or something?

For whatever reason, if you have a stand-up special that you put on, there's all this math that goes into the fucking thing.

I really hate it.

I hate math.

You ever do it?

Yeah, I hate it.

I was doing everything's just now you're subject to weird computer programs that are owned by just

these tech people and this fucking industry.

Yeah, Kurt told us a lot of stuff.

Yeah.

What did he tell us about?

About tech oligarchs and

like what?

I don't know.

I wasn't really listening, but last week when he was telling us about tech monopolies and what does that have to do with?

I thought you were saying something like that.

I don't know.

I wasn't really even listening to that.

Basically, he's saying we're enslaved to the algorithm.

It's not saying we're enslaved to the algorithm.

It's like there's this idea that, like, oh, well, now you can do everything independently.

You know, you can produce your special, you can self-release it on YouTube.

I think

YouTube can be so funny, though, when it like gets.

YouTube censors you more than fucking a network would.

yeah don't let you swear and you have to pay for everything and you know it's just yeah it's just it's free content for them yeah we don't we haven't we haven't found an alternative that works better than the old model everything's kind of just broken in the entertainment industry i feel

i agree you should make a new youtube for uh like and own it like a blackberry version of youtube yeah and let people cuss

and tits

you know you can watch any animal fuck on youtube You can't watch a sexy lady fuck.

I don't want there.

What does that say about?

I don't want there to be people having sex

on YouTube.

Alright.

I thought I was making a good point.

I just like there's other things for that.

Where?

Just on the internet.

I don't think there should be crossover.

You know what I mean?

Like, I'm not worried about like kids seeing it, but I'm just like, just go to a different website.

You know what I mean?

Honestly, she'd have a different website.

Like, there's different rooms in the house.

That would be more democratic.

If there wasn't one YouTube, there was a million video sites, and one of them is just, you know, it works the same way the networks do.

You know,

where it's like, this website is just for

fucking seeing people that are pissed off.

Yeah.

You got a billion different shows, but

no matter what.

Maybe that's what the new YouTube is: is the Piss Network

website that you could start.

This dude's pissed off.

He bought a ninja.

Yeah, this guy bought the wrong guy who buys stuff.

He buys the wrong stuff.

Yeah, he buys like everything he buys on.

It's on sale.

He buys something on sale.

He only does a video if he buys something that's a piece of shit.

Instead of like reviewing every product, it's just a guy that always buys the wrong thing and he's pissed off about it.

I hate the product reviews.

It's everything.

Yeah.

There's something else I had to do today.

I'm going to have to spend like a fucking entire day at the DMV.

I have a full day tomorrow, too.

Doing what?

You don't like when I talk about the show?

I got a travel day tomorrow, hopefully.

Oh, right.

Your flight got delayed because of the snow?

Yeah.

Isn't that crazy?

And

how scary is it to go on a flight now with any weather?

You're like, this plane is going down.

And they let women fly.

Do you think whether they did it or the plane just fell apart?

You don't even know.

You don't know.

It's trying to take off.

It's got one wing.

Anytime I'm on a flight and it starts shaking or turbulence, my first thought is like, I just get mad at our agents.

Oh, my God.

My last.

I'm like,

I'm doing a weekend because they booked it, and now I'm going to die.

And it's their fault.

My last flight,

it like circled JFK like four times.

And it was like turbulent, so I was like, it couldn't land.

And I was like, I didn't have any service.

And I was like, fuck, I should have texted.

I love you before.

You know what I mean?

Where you have that moment where you're like, I didn't say goodbye to anyone, and and now I'm just going to fucking die with a bunch of losers.

Sucks.

Yeah, dying in general is really scary.

I know, but especially in a plane crash, it's like, no, it's kind of badass.

It's not even your fault.

It's a badass way, though.

Plane crash?

I don't think plane crash is badass.

It's so rare.

No, because it takes like five minutes for the plane to crash.

You just scream.

You're fucking.

You're bargaining in your head.

You're like, oh, maybe it'll, maybe they'll, okay, it'll be fine.

And no, no, it's not going to be fine.

Okay, maybe it will.

You don't even get the joy of like jumping off a building and being alone.

The joy?

Yeah, like, you know, it probably feels good to jump off a building

and be alone.

But, like, they don't, like...

On a plane, you're surrounded by people.

There's a baby.

Oh, my God.

Shut up, baby.

The baby's screaming.

I'm like, not now.

Did you ever hear a baby?

I would say that.

I'm an idiot, too.

I said it on a show before, but I'll like, if I think the plane's crashing, I'll think, like, oh, I could take the door and I could, like, surf on the air.

That's pretty smart.

No, I'm like, I game it out of my head.

No, I would use it as a sale.

I'm going to show in Geneva.

Like a silver surfer all the way.

And the guy, the show producer,

he's like, if you sell out, you can keep the door.

And you can surf the door.

And I said, just give me the money.

I'll also be in Tampa Side Splitters

in three weeks.

I'll be at Tampa Side Splitters.

That's probably the best club in the country.

Is it really?

Side splitters?

I love that.

Yeah, I had a lot of fun there.

Adam had a terrible week there.

Sides Plitters was there.

You weren't there, dude.

Actually, they said it was one of the best weekends.

I've never been to Tampa.

You got put on Fool's Notice in Tampa.

And I comprehensively dealt with it.

I dealt with it comprehensively.

Adam got fool's notice.

They say bravest comedian gets fool's notice.

Fool's notice is a thing they do to the comedians

where you get put on fool's notice and then they post videos of you.

He said that I dealt with the best he's ever seen.

Really?

Somebody was like red backlit.

He He was wrong.

No.

Famously, this guy's hated.

He's a comedy community because he's wrong about everything.

No, it's his whole thing.

The best comedians he hates.

And the worst comedians he loves.

That's his whole thing.

I don't know about that.

I'd like to see you deal with.

So he despises Joey Coco Diaz, one of the most respected.

Yeah, one of the funniest.

Respected in the mafia sense, even.

Not even just comedy.

The Capco Reggiano.

You're going to talk shit about him.

He's a mass murderer.

He's a mass murderer.

He's a mass mass murderer.

He's a mass murderer.

He would have no...

He wouldn't think twice about ripping your head off.

He would not.

He's doing what Diddy did times a thousand.

He'll never get caught.

He inspired Diddy.

Yeah.

All this stuff coming out about Diddy, Joey was doing.

Joey set him up.

Back in the Scarface days, as he calls him.

And listen to me, you motherfuckers.

Remember the Scarface days?

Listen to me, you motherfuckers.

And he's fucking tranked off of what he's doing.

And he's had sex.

He's had sex, too.

I don't know.

And he still fucks.

if you've never listened to me, Mike.

Because I'm still having sex.

Yeah.

This guy's amazing.

He got some crazy stories about putting his penis in his head.

Dude,

who else is this guy, Mike David?

Haiti.

Andrew's Antino.

It's like,

Andrew alone.

King.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry, he can't stop cheating.

It's an ironic thing.

Sorry, he can't stop cheating.

He's a great actor.

So there's a video of Adam at Tampa, probably the easiest club in the country.

And Adam's.

What do you mean the easiest?

Easiest.

Easiest, best crowd.

Easiest, best crowds.

Low ceilings.

Adam is bombing.

I'm not bombing.

I'm getting big laughs.

Adam's big pops.

Completely bombing.

Big pops.

And somebody says,

Hey, Adam, like everyone over at the red bar at this card is rooting for you.

And Adam just has a complete meltdown.

Yeah, I started stuttering.

You can see it in the video.

And I'm surprised he missed it, but if you zoom in, I defecated my pants.

Yeah, he pisses himself.

His pants turn a darker color.

A PM poo, actually.

I did a double.

I hope I'd never get put on fool's notice.

I mean, I'm so niche, which just means no one's easy.

I dealt with it easy.

I would probably just beat the fuck out of everybody and i would start fighting everybody in the club i would say i don't care whoever doesn't matter who says it if i hear those words fools notice you're kind of like a number

number one woman in the face i don't care find first woman in the crowd just bam yeah you kind of got to set your nose bone into her brain kill her

she's going to come at you like that blonde trend well you start off killing a woman and then nobody's going to fucking people are like okay well this guy'll do anything there's no limit yeah he'll do anything if you kill a woman people are like he's you can't.

This guy's crazy.

He's extreme.

Cigarette.

Ashtray.

Just poke over.

That's actually why that guy was going around.

You killed a guy in the back.

So you killed a woman in the front, and then you kill the biggest, the security guard, the big black guy.

Kill him in the back.

And now you've got people in a death sandwich.

They're locked in on both sides.

They're locked in on both sides.

Yeah, killing everyone

style.

You were afraid of Joey Diaz.

I'm about to show you who's the most dangerous person.

He's a meme, motherfuckers.

Yeah.

That's what I would do.

I heard that the guy who was

face got put on fool's notice.

The police show up?

The guy in New York.

He was punching women in the face.

A comedian?

No,

all the TikTokers because someone told him that Red Bar was watching.

I'm kind of on that guy's side.

I don't really know what the story is.

I mean, I haven't seen any videos of them actually being punched.

I've only seen the videos of them being like, I got punched.

And then you got to believe what I'm doing.

You got to see the video.

Yeah.

I want to see body cam.

I want to see the body cam.

There's two sides.

I want to see the body cam.

There's two sides.

But it's white girls getting punched right now.

By black men.

I'm going to stay out of that one.

That's the kind of violence that I would say is none of my

damn business.

That's a good show for the pissed-off network.

I'm off.

Talk about something that's pissing people off, and then they're like,

it's none of my damn business.

You realize it's none of your damn business.

Yeah.

It's kind of a therapeutic thing.

I don't know, just a pitch for like a 1.30 a.m.

slot

for the TPM.

1:30 p.m.

We have sign-off at at fucking 8 p.m.

Yeah, this is easy watching.

This is easy watching.

You watch somebody else make it a little bit more detailed.

Oh, this is a 24-hour network.

And then you feel better.

Do you do the snow?

What about somebody who wakes up, they can't sleep, they're too pissed off.

What the fuck do they do?

This guy driving a car, he's got a cigarette, he pits the cigarette lighter.

He's on the phone, he's got a problem.

It's not being dealt with.

Cars don't have this anymore.

My car has it.

Your car has it?

What year?

Your car has it?

Well, I have two cars.

Okay.

I got a 2020 and I have a 1987.

And the 1987 has it.

1987.

So this is what I'm talking about.

1987 has two of them.

That's what I'm talking about.

The old car has a cigarette lighter.

The new ones don't.

They don't say that enough.

Mine.

I don't talk about this enough.

I have a 2022.

I can't say that enough.

I have a 2024.

I'm trying to say they're like, oh, we have all these added features.

I'm like, I don't want anything.

They have them, but they don't come with the

actual

plug, the cigarette.

Because Michelle Obama took them out.

Michelle took them out.

Yeah.

It's for plugging in accessories.

And she has a penis.

Yeah.

I have to see the.

I'm going to take it a step further.

I'm going to say this.

I'm going to say Michelle.

Michelle Obama, tiny penis.

Not only does she have a dick, it's a pencil.

She's got a snoop piece.

Can I just say

it sucks?

Michelle, she didn't write a book before her husband was president.

Yeah.

That's what I'm fucking talking about.

You know what I mean.

What is that?

It is crazy, though.

She took advantage of her husband being president.

All the other first ladies.

Just to write a novel.

They do want to have her on the show.

They do magnificent things.

All the other first ladies.

She's not going to watch any episodes if she comes on.

She might see this and not want to do the show.

She was not going to watch this episode.

She wants to watch

Chris Cuomo or something.

Yeah.

Yeah, she's not watching this.

Well, Chris Cuomo said something about her penis on that episode.

What do you say, Adam?

He said that's why I didn't grab her.

No, let Adam do it.

Adam was the one to say.

What do you say?

This bitch got that small.

I don't know.

I can't really do a good Chris Cuomo.

And that's that.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

And that's another thing.

Thanks for listening, folks.

Oh, you're done.

Yeah.

Now we're done.

I thought you were doing the...

Okay, I'll do it.

Oh, we're done now.

I was having a good time.

Gavin was having a good time.

I wanted to stay a couple more hours.

I was going for the record of the longest podcast in history.

We did three hours last week.

Let's go, motherfuckers.

Three hours?

Hey, you stupid motherfucker.

I saw it, dude.

I saw the last one.

They do the super podcast now.

They call it Protect Our Parks.

And they all get cool sunglasses.

And they all hang out together in Cool Town.

And drink beer.

And they drink beer.

You should go on Rogan.

And they do mushrooms.

I refuse to go.

I would have done it.

I've been past 25 times.

Once fucking.

Now that Ian has been there, it's ruined.

The Rogan bump is no more.

It's done.

It doesn't exist.

I'm telling you, Ian has ruined it.

He ruins everything.

For everyone.

Ian has ruined it.

You know, Rogan's like, has like...

Adam ruins everything.

Ian ruins everything.

Ian ruins everything.

Rogan has like a thousand listeners left after the Ian episode.

Yeah.

Yeah.

America saw Ian for all gone.

They're all listening to.

This is

a trans file

pro-landlord ska fan.

That's a new type of guy, though.

That is a very specific guy.

Have you ever seen a guy before?

That's crazy.

No, that's like a cultural

sort of like it's like a cultural programming glitch that caused, you know, remember how Windows used to say Windows is performed in an illegal operation and needs to shut down and the screen would turn blue and the whole computer would fuck up?

That's what Ian is.

So broadcasting Ian.

A blue screen of death.

Broadcasting Ian, a trans-phile pro-landlord rights ska fan, to 30 million people,

that just resets everything.

Now

all of society is going to collapse.

No, No, it's not good.

So, it's bad, Adam.

Oh, it's bad.

Society may have flaws.

You're saying that

it's kind of a warning.

But sometimes you want to see the world burn, though.

It's too late.

Yeah, sometimes you want to see the world burn.

It's like putting sugar in the gas tank.

It's not like...

Who does that?

Somebody tries to get it.

Sweet gasoline.

It's like a gasoline.

And that's like, shit, can you put a lot of movies?

It's beyond chaos, is what it is.

Yeah.

It's beyond chaos.

It's quantum.

There's still an intention to chaos.

This is something, this is just like a cosmic disaster.

Yeah, yeah.

Schroeder is what it is.

The idea that

it's like a solar flare, but the flare turns people into just

they have like the same kind of racial hatred that was all over the south right during like the reconstruction era, but now it's directed at just something they can't name.

I'm telling you.

Absolutely.

Within being exposed to that many people, we're going to see rise in mass shootings.

It's just a cultural darkness.

It is, yeah, storm clouds.

It's going to plant a seed of hatred in people's minds, and they're not going to be

to know who they can take it out of.

The transsexual paradox is what it is.

Kind of, yeah.

Let me tell you.

Ian

has destroyed the world.

Wow.

That's fucked.

I guess I never thought about it

like so deeply before.

Well, hey,

that's the business we're in, pal.

That's how the cookie crumbles.

And that's none of my damn business.

That's not my job.

That's not my job.

That's none of my damn business.

Okay, guys.

Well, I will be at Tampa in two weeks.

Portland, there's a couple tickets left for the last show.

If you buy them this week, maybe we'll add another one.

That'll be fun.

Because I think I'm going to fly in on Wednesday.

Maybe we'll do two Thursday.

I don't know if I don't think I want to stay there Sunday.

So maybe late show Thursday.

That could be a bit of a wild card.

Maybe I will do, maybe I'll do Sunday 9 a.m.

if we add a show.

And I'll be in Tampa.

And then

I don't know what else.

I think that's everything.

Check out

Progression.

on all things comedy channel on YouTube as well as we had him in the premium episode this week.

Here's the other thing.

You guys may not know, but probably people just don't know.

You can go to patreon.com slash T-A-F-S.

You get an extra podcast episode every week.

And also now these digital shows, it's a sketch.

Right.

And we had Greg Stone.

Entirely on the iPhone 15.

It's sponsored by Apple.

Yep.

Everything is shot on the Apple 15.

These are expensive phones, and they produce beautiful sketch comedy.

You can check that out.

Every week we'll throw one of those on there.

And also, we had Greg Stone this week.

And go check out his special.

Nobody Presents Greg Stone.

And that was a fun episode Greg was on this week.

He's the best.

If you want to check it out, Nobody Presents

Greg Stone.

Film live at the comedy cellar.

Where'd you do yours?

Comedy Works?

Biltmore in Vancouver.

Biltmore.

Biltmore.

Yeah.

It's a little rock club.

That's cool.

It sounds like grandiose.

It sounds opulent.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, it's just.

It's like where you would bring your fat, inbred wife to go see the opera.

We're going to see Gavin tonight.

Hell yeah.

Thanks for having me.

Thanks for coming, pal.

We love love you.

Love you, dude.

Love you.

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