The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Sam Tallent - Episode 42.mp3

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Privacy starts at the source.

Welcome to the Adam Freeland Show podcast.

We got a special guest today.

Sam Talent, all the way from southwestern Colorado.

I wish southeastern.

The Kansas side.

Oh, the Kansas side.

Oh, the shit side.

Yeah, yeah, the high plains.

Is that the four corners?

Or no, that's the other side.

The Durango side.

That's the fun side of the Durango.

Yeah, yeah.

Durango.

So you're more of a Midwestern Coloradan than a rugged western Coloradan.

Colorado touches Kansas.

Yeah, and Oklahoma.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, I'm from the part of the state that everyone hates, that no one cares about because there's no mountains, and there's just like copper wire theft.

So it's a shit, like kind of opioid-riddled.

Yeah, I wish it was opioids.

It's still meth somehow.

Still meth.

Yeah, yeah.

A lot of light bulbs stolen out of the subway over there.

Yeah.

Do you guys have a subway?

A sandwich place.

Oh, the sandwich.

Does Colorado have a place where you stand and you're in five stays?

Is that four?

That's the four corners.

Four corners.

Which is actually not correct.

What?

If you go to four corners, you're not standing in Utah.

Why not?

I don't want to break this news here, but the people have to know.

Why not?

Because it made more sense to have the tourist trap in this one location as opposed to actually where they converged.

Yeah, but brother, look at a map.

It's this.

Don't talk to me about it.

So how is Utah not involved?

Well, because you're not actually in Utah when you're standing in the Four Corners.

It's a little further up.

Oh, they put the X on the wrong place.

That's right.

You're only standing in two states?

It goes even deeper than that.

Some say you're only standing in one, depending on what maps.

Oh, okay.

Oh, my God.

And the BLM is all up in arms about it.

And it is their fault?

Mm-hmm.

Because they say it should be Africa.

Yes.

You're standing in Africa.

Yeah, you should be in Swaziland right now.

It doesn't exist anymore.

No, Lesoto doesn't exist anymore.

You had a hand in that, right?

Not my fault, but I was laughing.

We cashed the checks.

I was laughing.

Guys, can I say what an exciting time this is for me to be here?

Really?

Long-time listener, first time listening.

New York City.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You are now on the

Ashes.

Where did I see you?

Of the finest podcast?

Detroit.

Detroit?

I came and I opened for you there.

That was a nice evening.

Mm-hmm.

You had Jake with you?

No, that was a horrible weekend.

I had a nice time with you guys.

I was only there for the Thursday.

Oh, yeah.

No, late show Saturday was a fucking, like, there was people screaming and the club wouldn't.

Oh, no.

The club wouldn't, like,

even talk to, like, people.

And then it was people up front yelling at each other.

They're going to eat me alive?

I'm going next month.

The House of Comedy?

Royal Oak.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Uh-oh.

There was a cool,

there was a School of Rock event happening in front of the club when I was waiting for it to open, and I just got to stand there and listen to a bunch of kids play, like, Slayer and Disturb songs.

That's fun.

It was nice.

I heard that the guy that started the actual School of Rock, not Jack Black movie,

Peter, Peter Ring.

Well, of course.

Got to drop.

Why are you going going to get the coolest, baddest kids to gather around you and teach them how to do it?

Wait, school rock the movies based on a true story?

I think I don't know what started first, but there are schools of rock now for kids to learn like Weezer and stuff.

And they were learning a little bit more than that.

Yeah, because those kids are willing to do anything to be a star.

It's pathetic what show business does to people, especially white men.

Oh, yeah.

Really nice to have you here, guys.

This is the room.

You want to plug your special?

It's a phenomenal special.

Thank you.

The Toad's Morale, available on Shane and Matt's YouTube page.

It sounds kind of like a fable.

It sounds like one of those African fables.

It's an Aesop situation.

Like an Aesop.

I'm the ancient turtle, and the crowd rides on my back.

I saw some review of, it's like one of the, it was like one of those articles commenting on Shane hosting SNL.

And it was a relatively neutral article, but they called their podcast

Shane and Matt's Secret.

Yeah.

Which is like a broke mountain.

Yeah, yeah, right.

Off his popular podcast, Shane and Matt's Secret.

The love that can't speak its name.

Shane and Matt.

Yeah, longtime roommate, Shane and Matt, bring their ribbled tile of comedy.

I did it with Howie Mandel when I was in Austin last time.

Matt and Shane?

Yeah.

Howie Mandel went on?

Howie Mandel came on Shane's podcast.

Is he actually bald or he shaved his head for like sanitary reasons?

I think it's so he can't get the lice and stuff in there.

And he won't shake your hand and stuff.

He shook.

He shook.

He's coming around on it.

But then he threw up afterwards.

He did, yeah.

The blood came out of his eyes.

I'm going to find a way to meet him and just have doo-doo all over my

slime.

Yeah.

Come on your sleeve.

He's like, yeah, I look like slime or

sticky.

I'm just speaking in Chinese, but like Sylvester the cat, just spitting all over.

I just ate a pangarin.

Just spinning.

I was like, I've had one of those.

Yeah.

I'm surprised he's not one of those like steel things COVID's going on, guys.

He was really cool.

He just didn't know that Matter Eye existed.

So he was like, it's an honor to be on Shane's Pod, big fan.

And Matt's like right there.

And he's in the name.

He's the first name in the podcast.

It's funny.

We've had like celebrities who here to do the interviews for this show.

I'm not a celebrity.

Oh, you're our fan.

You're a big star.

Big star.

Celebrities in here.

They don't even know who Adam is.

It's his show.

It's in the name.

They're like, so what is this?

People think it's Cometown.

No, they don't.

They don't even know what that is.

Dave Bortnoy thought he was coming to do Cometown when I had him on the show.

And he was shocked.

Did he have an Andre's steakhouse shirt on?

Nick was going to be there.

I was wearing a suit.

He's like, what the fuck is this?

And I was like, welcome to hell.

Yeah, the doors are locked, Dave.

Buy your way out of this one.

I'm gay.

Yeah, I don't know what to do in the city besides do these podcasts.

It's nice.

It's nice to come in and have a giggle.

you could do a group on like uh walking graffiti tour and bushwork yeah you could do that yeah

i could uh i could lead one of those and be like you think the blacks are crazy now you should see what they were doing in 87.

you should see what the the new kind of blacks yeah are doing there was uh there was a group of black teenagers at the west nyack mall and we were waiting at a wetzels pretzels and they cut in line in front of us and they had balacalavas on and my feature was like let's get out of here man there's an anti-ens upstairs he like immediately wanted to bail.

I mean,

yeah, they're wearing full masks.

Right, yeah.

That's not a race.

At a certain point, you gotta be like, okay, well.

A 15-year-old in a mask?

Right, exactly.

Any color person.

I don't care.

I turn into a Gran Torino guy immediately.

Start picking your teeth with a knife.

Where would you get that mask?

I've seen Hutts burn.

Yeah.

Great weekend.

Well, we all wear masks.

We do, yeah.

And it's our job here on the show to peel them a sucker.

You make that drive up there, like the palace towards the Tappanzee.

I love it.

Night time, you come around the bend, especially if there's a fog, that's Stu Leonard's sun.

It's red.

Oh.

And it's just terrifying.

It's really, really pretty up there.

Like, the way it had so vertical, like, up from the river, the way it goes, like, uh, like, up the mountain, those houses there, they have the most gorgeous views.

I would love to move up there.

You could, easily.

You could live with Chris Rock and Bill Murray.

Yeah, and

Scarlett Johansson.

The hamburgler.

And the weekend update.

Colin Jose?

I call him Scarlett Johansson's boyfriend.

Oh, God.

Because I'm a feminist.

To live a day as his underwear, fellas.

I would love him to just fart on

Colin Jose.

Cloud and Scojo.

Are they married?

I think they're married, yeah.

It's none of my business.

What's that marriage going to look like in 30 years?

She's like, what were you famous for again?

Right, yeah.

How did I end up I'm Scarlett Johansson?

How did I end up married to some guy named Colin?

You're a showrunner now?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You were on what?

One time I was fucked up and I said.

You were on SCTV?

Am I married to Joe Flair?

You know the kids in the hall?

Oh, dude, have you guys seen that documentary?

No.

The Karma Punks or whatever?

It's all about the kids in the hall and they're like early years up there.

It was real.

Wild up there in Canada?

Well, I mean, no.

But they were like the punk rock guys because they wore wigs.

Everyone's like, it's a revelation.

Well, Monty Python did that.

Sure, they did.

And they walked hilariously.

Cat Williams is talking about how they want to put black guys in dresses, but like British guys have been doing that in comedy for 60 years.

Yeah, to big success.

To big success.

I would try it, but I can't find a dress that will fit.

Really?

Medea really owes it all to

just guys that got diddled at Eaton.

Yeah, she erased our history.

She took it from us yeah my culture's not a costume i agree what is what's your culture like welsh or some crap i'm a quarter mexican i'm secretly a quarter mexican you're chicano mosquito yeah no way my grandma's from the caves of northern new mexico and her she's like from a long line of mule skinners caves yeah yeah by wagon mound like we're talking like uh like anastasi types like ancient bloodlines You just use like 10 words and I'm like, what the fuck?

I don't know.

This is my culture.

Yeah.

Oh, you're indigenous first person?

Yeah.

You are.

No, I'm a quarter Mexican, but then the rest of me is just like Scots-Irish.

Yeah, crazy.

What do you mean, is that cave?

There's a cave system in northern New Mexico, and my grandma's, like, the Escobels lived there, and they didn't know they were in America until a census guy came and told them in, like, the Philippines.

Oh, really?

Yeah, that's crazy.

Idiots.

I think they ate donkey meat.

Yeah.

Well, it's crazy.

There's all these parts of the country that didn't have like electricity until like 1950.

Yeah.

They didn't have roads or anything.

Right.

There's no way in.

And

how would anyone go in?

Yeah.

Famously.

It was all gaslights until the 70s.

Yeah, and they're eating crap.

Human feet.

They still do it.

I know.

And it's not easy.

It's fine.

It's disgusting.

It's their culture.

They're so rude, also.

If you're eating crap, just don't be rude.

Yeah, shut your mouth.

Shut your mouth a little bit.

Stop saying E-A-G-L-E-S during my set at the Helium Comedy Club.

Did that happen?

They were yelling.

Yeah, it was so scary.

It was terrifying.

I thought those animals were going to kill me.

Yeah.

Well, you're lucky because no one expects you to

Shane said good set to me afterwards.

I don't understand what you're talking about.

He told me, Brian.

Shane told me that there were these...

No, there were these Philly guys in the back that Shane was standing next to.

He was like, they were like, what the fuck is this shit?

He told me that.

They didn't throw any batteries at you, so it's a win.

No, because it was the NFC championship two days from then.

And they were already pre-gaming for it.

Yeah.

And they just started doing E-A-G-L-E-S.

And I'm like, so anyway, I'm a Jewish, and you know, and it was, I thought, I was

doing Alex Edelman's act.

I was doing Alex Edelman's act.

You were doing Alex Edelman's act.

I was doing that.

My

hate Adam Friedland.

Maybe they'll like Alex Edelman's act.

Anti-Semitism, yes.

I've suffered from it my entire life.

Yeah, it's cool that you have like a, you're a white guy, but you have a whole cross to bear.

Much like another Jewish guy, Mr.

Jesus Christ.

That fact that you have about, is that public information or no?

You have a fact about Jesus no one else knows?

Romance, TMZ, gossip, relationships.

Let's do a blind item.

That Adam's.

Yeah, do a blind item.

Can you allude to it?

No?

Do it.

A certain comedian is dating.

A certain clown has been dipping his nose.

I'll say it.

Okay.

That's exactly how they say it.

A clown is going to dip his nose in

Dipping his nose in Patch Allen.

I love light items, man.

I think Robert Downey Jr.

used to run one, and he would post wild stuff under a fake name, like Velvet Prince or something.

Lean gossip?

Yeah, he was like the go-to gossip monger.

That's cool.

Yeah, and they'd be like, I like that.

A certain red-headed stranger was seen at the watering hole riding someone else's horse.

Who's that?

The guy from.

It's like Willie Nelson's cheating on his wife or something.

Oh, yeah.

That's come on.

Shut up about that.

Let the man live.

Yeah.

Let the man live.

That's not even fun gossip.

I want to hear it about like...

I want to hear your gossip.

It's funny.

About a comedian I've probably never heard of.

David Parker is doing

blackface.

She's doing black face.

Yeah.

Whoa.

You heard it here first, folks.

No.

Anyway, so let's go.

Adam had a juicy piece of gossip that he was sharing.

Turn the mics off.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's alright.

It's not even that bad.

It's just funny.

I just don't want to say it on the show.

Okay.

Why not?

Why not?

We're cutting all this out.

Do the blind item.

Yeah, I would get it.

Can you do it as like a cut?

No, we can't cut it out.

No, we have to cut it out.

Why?

Because I don't remember.

We didn't even say it.

It's for us.

It's for us.

Then don't say it.

Then it's not said.

And there's nothing to cut out.

I don't want to have to rethink the time as far as the ad reads go.

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Let's talk about sex, guys.

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Let's talk about you and me.

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Positions.

Do you guys juice with these things?

Juice?

Yeah, do you take these things before you play?

No, I would never.

It's just a lot of fun.

I thought you meant put it in Vitamix.

Oh, yeah.

No, no, no.

I see it like a safe

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I was taking

one of those

every day

for your heart.

Yeah,

it does have benefits.

You can look it up.

That's why they came up with it initially.

It was a heart medicine.

I was just taking it as heart medicine.

Yeah.

You just rock hard all the time.

I was by myself in my apartment.

Damn.

Have you ever been rock hard alone?

You're like, what am I going to do with this?

There was a day my girlfriend was at work.

Do you have two of the Lucy's in your pocket, by the way?

Yeah, they're definitely Lucy.

They're not a rival.

Well, they're not.

We're not doing, they're not this week, anyways.

They won't send me any product.

I'm like, we'll read for you on Chubby Behemoth.

Send me some fucking Zins.

And they're like,

no, if you're already doing a product, they won't change, because they're like, why would we pay for it?

You're going to do it anyways.

You can't resist.

Right.

You stupid blabber-mouthed moron.

Yeah, you idiot.

Hey, pigman.

Read the copy.

But hey, I love being hard, and I love not being able to get hard on my own.

Sam, you remember the days where

you were always ready to go?

Oh, for sure.

Yeah, 13, waking up, ready to flip a man white.

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lack of oxygenation.

Yeah.

You know, you would imagine

you're blue if you're cold.

But inside your body, your blood, it's blue, isn't it?

It is, because it's blue.

It's red while it's got oxygen in it.

It's blue in your veins because your muscles have used all the oxygen up and it's going back to your heart to get it.

So why is my cock blue all the time and cold?

Because you keep dipping it.

Yeah.

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My thing on the reads of the last two months has been trying to work in the October 7th.

Anything October 7th is related into at least one.

What was it, October 7th?

What happened that day?

It was a bit of a birthday.

Eeeyore's birthday.

I missed.

I forget.

It was a massacre at Eeyore's birthday in Austin, Texas.

Really?

He did it in his name?

He had a clown.

Spin the tail on this.

Some Muslim guy dressed up like Tigger raped a bunch of people.

Tigger's so close.

Is it crazy?

Why did they do that?

I won't even say the name.

I won't even say it.

They did it for me.

I won't even say it.

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He was bouncing a basketball.

He was pretending to be a bad guy.

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All right, back to the show.

So, do you guys sell those to the fans afterward?

I don't think that's legal.

You can sell the copy, I mean, the actual piece of paper.

Oh, my God, they buy anything these guys.

For sure.

Nick's been selling his undergarments to the fans.

You know, when I went to Japan, I was so stoked to find one of those vending machines.

Oh, really?

Of course.

I was over there for a week dicking around.

I didn't see I'm too like, I was just fascinated by the stores that still sell like VCRs and DVDs.

Yeah.

You know like to go to like a D V D player store.

Mm-hmm.

And I was like damn, it's like being in a circuit city.

I was in one of like the Yodabashi Akiba and I went to buy a word processing unit that's only available over there that's like very small and I bought it and then after I pought I was like this writes in English right and the guy behind the counter went

And then I didn't know how to return it.

So I just left with a unit that I can't use.

Oh, that's cool.

Serves us right for what we did over in Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Do you have like specific writing instruments?

Because do you have to procrastinate by bouncing from one type of writing instrument to another?

I wanted something that I could use on an airplane that was small enough for the tray table.

Oh, yeah.

But no, I'm pretty good about not procrastinating when it comes to writing.

It's the only thing I want to do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The rest of this shit's tough.

You can't write when you're on the road.

Because you want to go ride the Ferris wheel in the mall.

You can't be in the hotel and just write.

I find it's easier to work on the road.

Oh, I have a tough time.

Because I don't really do anything.

Do you go do stuff?

Oh, yeah.

I love doing stuff.

I go to the Botanical Gardens.

You were in Columbus.

Did you go to the gardens?

Well, no, it was snowing the entire day.

Still.

Yeah, but also, too, 90% of the time, the clubs are like an hour outside of the city.

It was small or

do I want to risk it, stay downtown, spend an additional $300 over the weekend on Ubers?

Well, they'll reimburse you, remember?

I don't get reimbursed.

a pass.

Oh, you gotta send your receipts to the club.

They'll pay for rewriting.

They wear ground travel?

Yeah.

I mean, it's baked into my deals.

I have to pay for fucking everything.

I just get a travel buyout.

Mmm.

The buyout.

The buyout.

I'll take the buyout and then crash at someone's house.

Extra $5,000.

No, just every penny.

It's not what you make, it's what you save.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah.

You're a homeowner?

No.

No.

No, no.

I want to buy an apartment in Paris, but my wife's like, who are you?

Who the fuck do you think you are?

I'm obsessed with that.

It is the only thing in my life that didn't disappoint me.

Me too.

I was on the plane about to land de Gaulle.

I'm like,

it's going to be beautiful.

Isn't there dog shit everywhere?

That's Naples.

Oh, okay.

And there's dog.

Yeah.

I mean,

it's fabulous.

Yeah.

I wept when I came up the stairs the first time.

Beautiful.

Yeah, it cracked me open.

It's lovely.

Yeah.

The Seine.

I mean, the people are fucking losers, but the rest of it, as a place.

You know the thing about Paris is like every block of Paris, like there's there's a building you see and you're like, that's phenomenal.

Yeah.

If one of those buildings was in an American city, it would be like, you'd be like, oh, in Columbus, you got to go visit that.

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

And the one place you go.

They have it on, like, three on every block.

There's also a bone museum.

The catacombs are really fun.

Oh, man.

If you're into bones, which I know you are.

I'm not into bones.

Yeah, he is.

Yeah, he is.

Since when?

Nikki, come on.

No, I'm, you know,

what's like.

He's doing his lying thing again.

What is an example of that?

Remember when you made that big throne made of bones?

No, no, but now I'm remembering that picture of Arthur Chu sitting in the Game of Thrones chairs

when times are good.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh my god.

That's one of the best pictures of all time.

Just the gayest thing you can do is go get a picture of yourself in the novelty Game of Thrones chair.

That's the lowest tier of going to see the the the friend's coffee shop in like

his shoes, and there's no laces or it's like mangles, yeah, just destroyed, just destroyed.

They're new balances, right?

The white new balances.

I'm not sure, yeah.

I mean, it's an orthopedic rebox or whatever.

I like that you guys know the details about how he tied his shoes.

That's the funny bat itself.

That's the funniest part because you see the picture, and it's like, this is a lame picture.

And then you see the shoes, and it's just evidence of how much this man's like personal hygiene and personal life is just in a complete state of disarray.

Yeah, all he can do is tweet.

The Velcro was too rough on his palm.

It tells like an entire story.

Yeah.

Yeah, it shows.

It doesn't tell.

I mean, you could just, I guarantee you, if I Google Arthur Shu Choose,

it's

what about Arthur Blue Choose?

Arthur Blue Chews.

Get him involved.

Yeah, actually, if you Google it, the first thing that comes up is Come Town Arthur Chew Shoes.

See?

So I've gone into this before.

Your SES figure.

We covered it.

We covered every angle.

He's tied

the tongue is folded up.

That's a good one.

Like, that'll do.

The laces are on his ankle.

So he's tied his ankle.

It's like the concept of a shoe is never computed.

And then the tongue goes up and through the different layers of laces.

Like his nurse did him in a hurry.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Have you ever seen the fat guy?

His foot's too wide for his shoe, so he has to walk on the heel with it all smushed down.

It is, I feel

the abuse on those shoes.

Oh, they're punished.

I had to go to Hokas.

Hokas are nice.

Dude, how in a hurry were you to get to that chair that you can't pull your tongue out?

It's not even a hurry.

He's just like, oh, fuck it.

It's fine.

Do you guys know how to tie your shoes non-bunny ear style?

Yeah, of course.

Really?

I never picked it up.

You go around the hut.

You go around the hut and then you pull it through.

I never do bunny ears.

I've been bunny ears.

I do bunny ears on the table.

Bunny ears is how you teach a special education.

Well, it's for special kids.

I'm a special guest.

No,

you go around.

It's more complicated to me.

You do

two loops and then you tie them.

It's hard.

It's hard.

It's easier.

You don't have to have the dexterity.

No, you got to hold both of them in the bows.

No.

You guys are talking from a position of privilege.

I know.

I'm a little bit of a blue blood myself.

Well, you're not even having you've shooed laces completely.

Do you know much about Arthur Chu?

Enough, just because I listened to the show.

Oh, okay.

What are your freak areas of expertise?

I know.

Which, by the way, I'll be in Nashville this weekend.

Yeah, yeah.

Go see Nick.

I'll be in Timonium this weekend.

Oh, okay.

Oh, fake city beasts.

Yeah, yeah.

Made-up city.

And I haven't been able to really promote those Nashville, so I've been gone.

I had mouth surgery, so I was on this podcast for a week.

So please come out, the Zane's.

Did you have it widened?

What was it?

No, I did a gum graft.

So

they cut a big chunk out of the roof of my mouth and sewed it onto the front of my gums and then and then the graft just died.

What was the matter with your gums?

They just receded.

Nasty.

He's a nasty guy.

Huh.

He's a nasty boy.

I know a lot about American literature from 1928 on.

That's all I really.

Yeah.

I know about like bad punk rock bands and stuff.

Like which?

You know, like the regional differences between like

Detroit and Cleveland punk rock in like 1977.

Pear Ubu?

Per Ubu versus the Necros, that kind of dumb shit.

Yeah, you think Steve Harvey and Per Ubu ever chilled?

No.

They're both from Cleveland.

They're both from Cleveland.

Yeah.

Famously.

Also, guys,

since we're saying it now, Boston and Detroit in March.

Whoa.

On the road.

Dogging it.

And I'm going to...

Two punk cities,

two types of...

You know, punk used to mean a man who was sodomized.

It was a jail slang term.

It was a jail slang, a prison punk.

It was a boy who held on to guys.

It evolved separate from the British punk thing.

Like they both had the word at the same time?

I think so.

I think Punk Magazine came out, and then that denoted the kind of music.

But punk was a thing that starts in Britain in what, the late 60s?

You're giving them credit?

74, 75?

Yoko Ono.

Yoko Ono actually was the first punk.

That's right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

When she killed her husband.

Had him killed by a man who looks a lot like me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, uh,

what's uh

kind of the most baller move I was talking about this weekend of all time?

Um how Mr.

Elliott Smith, well, first of all, he was probably murdered, but uh he stabbed himself in the heart twice.

But he left a note that said like, this is your fault to his girlfriend.

Yeah.

I would love.

You think that's a cool guy move?

It's so cool.

I think that's a simpering bitch of a move.

To tell her that she's

like, look what you made me do.

That's your last thing.

It's kind of like a caddy.

You know what's really sad is when NFL guys like commit suicide and they shoot themselves in the chest so that their brains can be studied.

I wonder if Elliot Smith had CT.

I'm going to do the same thing.

I'm going to shoot myself in the chest so they can study my penis.

Really?

Yeah, I'm going to be like, figure out what was wrong.

Come on, get to the bottom of this.

Reverse engineer it so no one has to suffer this curse.

Wow.

I wonder if the doctors would stand anything to learn from my penis.

Probably.

They'd want to know why it was forked.

No, come on.

Separate heads.

That's anti-Semitism.

Come on.

Well, you're an expert in anti-Semitism.

In these days, you can't be doing that.

What?

It had nothing to do with it.

Come on, that's a misnomer.

Everyone knows that our dicks don't look like that.

I don't know shit about your dicks.

Yes, you do.

Even though they're fully on display.

Do you know that from the

Jerusalem punk scene?

Yes, I do.

You know what's fun is I was at the mall on Sunday, and I saw a Hasidic guy put up 160 points on a papa shot machine.

The basketball one?

Oh, I thought that's the punching thing.

No, no, no, no.

But he just like swish, swish, swish, swish.

Really?

And his curls were like, he's swinging them around.

And

he was just killing it.

I mean, I'm a good Papa Shop player, but I can put up 50.

He put up like 160.

Yeah.

I mean, you.

It's big in the community.

I mean, it's big for us.

How good would you be at it, Nick?

That's the one who goes back and forth.

Nick shoots like

you've got to go underhand if you really want to make it.

Have you seen the Chinese guys play?

They're all one-handed underneath.

Yeah, yeah.

Is that how you do it?

I do like to do this, because it's easier to get off the backboard if you go underhand.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I know there's a strategy to it.

Well, spend some time in the old arcade.

Dave and Busters?

Yeah.

If they don't have a Metal Slug, then I just want to play Papa Shot.

Oh, okay.

What's Metal Slug?

Metal Slug is one of the greatest.

I guess you just shoot a bunch.

Yeah, side-scrolling shooters, and you're like killing Nazis with howitzers.

They deserve it, dude.

Yeah.

They're fucking assholes.

They've had it too good for too long.

They haven't had it too good for too long.

The arcade game I always liked was Time Crisis.

Time Crisis was great.

So sick.

Remember the Die Hard game?

No.

The Die Hard video game was like from this angle and you gotta fight your way through a building.

It was like a final fight type thing.

No, I mean the places that I remember Area 51.

Oh my god.

Time Crisis.

Mm-hmm.

Get that trigger finger ready for the date later.

Yeah.

What else?

The sexy city arcade game?

Of course.

The Jurassic Park, the one you go in.

Oh, dude.

That one was sick.

The car.

The car, yeah.

The motion aspect.

I always wanted one of those for my house.

I wanted to get good at skeeball, but...

And then not play it, just sit in there.

Yeah, just use it as a shelf.

Yeah, and then

attach a hose to the exhaust of my actual car and bring it into the Jurassic Park.

But then it just kills everyone else in the house because it's just a curtain.

Hey.

So there was no...

You want to come over and look at my machine?

What happened?

Yeah, he killed himself in Jurassic Park Machine.

He took out half the neighborhood.

And you know, we said we didn't see it coming.

We all kind of saw it coming.

When he bought that machine.

There were a lot of cries for help.

There were plenty.

Speaking of cries for help,

trying to learn how to cry for help in another language?

Check out Babel.

Babel.

Babel.

Babel.

It's not just a movie by.

Look, we all want to learn other languages.

We were just talking about going to Paris.

Can you imagine not being able to speak German there to rub it in their face?

How they can't even ban the language?

When they took over Paris, the Germans put a giant swastika flag on the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Yeah.

And then...

Parisian guys would climb up the Eiffel Tower every day and get shot down or fall until one of them took it down.

And then the Germans would just put up another one the next day.

That's awesome.

Can you imagine how beautiful the Eiffel Tower would be with the giant flapping swastika?

They should have just welded the other arms onto it and just had it so the Eiffel Tower is permanently just a shitty fucked up swastika.

because

all the tragedies of world war ii were worth it just to see the french get fucking owned

they gave up yeah they gave up

and then they had a nazi version of france immediately oh yeah they're like oh yeah we've been sitting on this one oh yeah we are vichy now you still can't have a head wrap there

Yeah, that's true.

You can't do wave checks.

Yeah, you can't wear a do-rag in parents.

Exactly.

Guys, what's the best way to learn a language?

Immersion.

Yeah.

Dude, would you want to go on vacation, just the two of us, not tell anyone?

Yeah.

To Paris?

I'd go to Paris right now.

You want to do like a Steve Coogan

trip?

Yeah.

And we have wacky conversations.

In the car?

I'm very bad at impressions, though.

I would go there and be

Muslim.

I would go there and be Muslim.

Yeah.

Come on over.

It'd be cool.

Be as Muslim as possible.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It'd be extra.

It'd be like me eating figs.

Those British Muslim YouTube guys.

White guys?

Yeah.

No, no, no.

They're Arab.

Britain Britain has like these young Muslim guys that get popular.

They're like, everyone thinks Israel good, but it's actually bad.

And then they have like fucking 200 million followers on YouTube.

That's the whole pit.

Yeah, they're not like, they don't seem particularly

like, yeah, they just don't like things.

Yeah, and they say like, inshallah, wallah, wallah,

but then their regular speech is just like retarded British guy.

The stuff that they sound like wall otherwise.

Immersion, living where the language is spoken and using it every day.

But if that's not in the cards this year, you could still, it might be.

It could be.

Hey, man.

We got nothing but options.

I want to leave my girlfriend so bad.

May you leave your wife?

I could leave her for like a week.

Yeah, but you can't tell her where you are.

Hey.

Baby, don't worry.

Just know I'll be happy.

We just...

Remember how your body was when we met?

I'm going with someone who still has that body.

She was breastless when we met.

A man.

Yeah, prayer works.

You had a rat tail.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Wow, gorgeous.

Gorgeous.

Yeah.

Brunel.

Oh, yeah, that movie?

That really sad the table for me.

Really sad movie.

Yeah, but there was like a feral woman with short hair with her tits out talking gibberish.

It's a movie about a retarded girl.

Give me all of that.

She's hot.

I love it when they can't read.

Oh, it's the best.

Me too.

Yeah.

Well, you can still learn the language the second best way, and that's with Babel.

One in five Americans have learned a new language on their bucket list before they kill themselves.

Why are they writing lists on buckets?

Yeah, what the fuck is paper?

I don't know.

What the fuck is that?

If that's you, make 2024 the year you finally check it off the list with Babel.

Fast forward to the end of 2024.

Think of your goals.

What can you do right now to give yourself the best chance of succeeding?

If you want to learn a new language, you absolutely should get Babel.

J.

Sweet Sam.

Yeah.

Charlie Hebde.

Such a good reference.

I don't know.

Charlie Hebde.

Dude, so funny.

I couldn't remember the name.

Same Charlie?

That's so funny.

He's googling Arthur Chu remixes.

I'm trying to add banana bread to my

food tracker.

You had all those clips on the bottom.

They're trying to make us some money right now, Nick.

Did you know that learning an actual language makes a sound?

It's true, then listen, and it's the Babel SFX.

We don't have it, do we?

Drop them in right here.

They want us to.

So, in post, drop in the SFX.

Yo, Ago Maron.

We don't have an editor anymore, do you?

I don't know.

You got Johnny 5 back there pressing the buttons.

Yeah, and the ones and twos.

Putting in the sound effects.

Yeah, our editor.

Oh, our editor is no more.

That's the sound of you learning a new language with Babel.

You want to know one of my favorite sounds?

Here it is.

Insert.

Beep.

Beep.

Rearning language now.

That's your sound design.

I'm assuming.

I've never heard it.

I think that's what it is.

Get led it to run language.

That's the sound I hear when I'm listening to you.

I'm learning a new language with Babel.

Here's Ray or Run Ranguich.

And if you want to learn a new language this year, I guarantee it'll be one of your favorite sounds too.

Let's hear it again.

Here's Ray of Run Rangrich.

Is that Cantonese or Mandarin?

All right.

So, guys.

I speak both.

I speak a hybrid type of Chinese.

I forgot.

I'm by Chinese.

Basically, they're Jesus.

So I kind of come in.

You tower over them.

You don't have to pay

a Chinese that we can all understand.

You don't have to pay hundreds of dollars.

Do you imagine how powerful China would be if they all spoke the same language?

Oh, yeah.

We'd be toast

if they were over there just getting along, figuring out new fish head recipes.

Yeah.

Yeah, new bugs you can eat.

I ate a bunch of bugs in Japan, and it was awesome.

What'd you eat?

I had a bunch of ants, and I had crickets and then the big payoff was a horse aorta.

So you just only had the money for the Airbnb.

This was all out of a trash can.

Garbage?

Did you see any bugs out of the cabin?

You went there to be a bum?

I did.

You went on vacation to be a hobo?

I did.

Yeah, I had my bindle and my song.

And they just like pat like proud Japanese just passed you like eating out of the garbage.

Yeah.

I was kind of like an aesthete.

I look at those little cafes they had there.

Oh Oh, dude, it's my favorite.

You get like a croissant and like a bubble wrap.

Perfect.

A blister pack croissant.

The packaging is lovely.

You change on a silver platter.

And then they bag that separately in a plastic bag.

You don't have to waste hours on that.

They're actually designed for working there.

Like you sit down, your laptop, and you just listen to the nutcracker and nobody's going to pull it off and blast figs.

Yeah.

God.

They figured it out.

That's the best state in the world.

You don't have to waste hundreds of dollars on private tutoring.

What if I want to, Adam?

Well, then it's your choice, but you'd be a real dumbass to do that.

You don't have to waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language.

Babel's quick 10-minute lessons are designed for over 150 languages.

I didn't even know there were that many.

Too many, if you ask me.

Too many.

It should be English.

Need a linguist.

Order on fucking English.

I have the Geno's

steaks

attitude to the globe.

Yeah.

To help you start speaking that.

That is the one other thing.

They all speak English in Paris and they're dickheads to you.

Yeah, Yeah, I know.

But unless you say, puis je voie, une croissant.

You know how to do it?

You have to say, may I have.

And then they're like, all right, fat boy, get in here.

Do you know a little bit?

A little bit, enough to order.

It'd be good for us.

Dude, I would go there.

I would leave.

I'd be like Sam.

Yeah.

We could hold hands, sit by the Send, drink natural wine.

Listen, we're gay guys from America.

We're trying to learn how to be more gay.

Right, yeah.

And we came to Mecca.

And we went.

This is the Castro district of Europe.

Babel's designed for real people and real conversations.

If you're going to learn a language, all you need is 10 minutes.

For sure.

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Ja Ja Shuo Ja Yiga Dale Earn

Rules and restrictions may apply to golfers.

I love the way they say just the throne in English.

Number one American football.

Yeah, right.

Israel, Palestine.

Do you speak any

languages?

I'm learning Spanish daily.

Oh, to get in touch with your culture.

Well, we wanted to move to Spain.

What's that?

Una deceased.

Yeah.

Uno de Streis.

Cinco?

Yeah.

Wow.

Well, you are like,

I mean, you should know Spanish as a quarter Mexican.

My grandma literally was like, I forgot the language on purpose.

I remember in sixth grade being like, Grandma, can I work Spanish with you?

And she's like, the only good part about being Mexican is you don't get

the Smiths.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, my grandma.

You don't get poison ivy?

Yeah, my grandma didn't get poisonous.

They don't live near poison ivy.

I don't get poison ivy either.

Well, when I hit poison ivy, I don't get the rash, and also mosquitoes leave me alone.

Oh, really?

Really?

I think my grandma was, that was my blood.

Is that a thing in Mexico?

Well, my grandma said,

because it sounds like you just don't have a histamine reaction.

Yeah, your mosquitoes probably still, you probably had West Nile like a hundred times.

Well, yeah, whenever I hold my hand over a stove, I don't feel anything.

Yeah, yeah.

Which I think is a Mexican thing.

Yeah, it's Chicano Latino.

You hear poison oak?

No, what's that?

It's similar.

It's bad, though.

Is it a tree, though?

It's a tree, yeah.

Well, I can avoid a tree.

It's the bushes that get me.

Well, it grows around the tree, poison oak.

Prove it.

Yeah.

Let's go to the woods.

What if we did that?

I went yesterday.

Yeah, I know.

You won't shut up about it, will you?

I know.

It's the first time I've been in the woods in a while.

Yeah.

Yeah, I feel like into the wild.

I feel like that guy who ate a fucking berry and died,

like an idiot.

What a baby.

Like an idiot.

I laughed in the theater.

Ha ha.

Did you that novel was or that book was like the uh that was like the on the road for kids of our generation?

It was like but it was also like a Oprah's book club kind of vibe too.

Oh, for sure.

And now that Rhys character who got stabbed?

Reese

Witherspoon?

No, with a knife.

She now runs the book situation.

If you can get on Rhys Witherspoon's book club.

Reese from Malcolm in the Middle?

Reese Witherspoon.

She got stabbed?

Yeah.

In the movie or in life?

Well, I was doing a fun joke about with a knife when you said Witherspoon.

It's the joke my dad's been doing.

You know what's funny?

I was on the John Lennon stuff.

I was always under the impression that John Lennon was shot because he said that the Beatles are bigger than Jesus.

Oh, is that not true?

It is true, but I thought the reasoning was that because Chapman was like, oh, you can't say that.

You can't say you're bigger than Jesus.

But his problem was that John Lennon is a phony.

Oh, yeah.

Because he loved Catcher in the Rye.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

He's not the one that wanted to fuck Jodie Foster.

That was the Reagan guy.

That's the Reagan guy.

Yeah.

Great punk band from Phoenix, Jody Foster's Army.

Which John Hinckley Jr.

now plays music.

Yeah, yeah.

He's got a show.

He's an ass.

But he's not like, why didn't he parlay that into success?

Well, he just got out of jail.

It seems like a gimme, though.

There's all these ghouls that want to go and they're Invader Zim hoodies.

I think he's like, that's the guy.

He's been in Dimes Square trying to get pussy.

I think he's been getting a a lot of pussy recently.

Good, yeah.

Live it up.

Dosh is fucking.

Dosh is fucking John Hinkley Jr.

Dude, she really just.

Eskimo, bros!

Someone's gotta reign her in.

This keeps happening.

They gotta be out.

They gotta put that pussy in the zoo.

Yeah, put it behind glass.

Motherfucker, I want to go to the zoo and put some white poop on it.

This is just a cry for help.

She needs to get a jersey retired.

That's why I'm not.

Dosh is fucking John Hinkley Jr.

Yeah, I know.

After what he did to the gipper.

yeah he didn't even kill him my favorite president one of the easiest guys to shoot because he didn't know where he was at the time

yeah exactly his brain was mush yeah yeah do you know he had nancy had a psychic apparently when he was fully gone like uh years like seven and eight of his presidency and the psychic was making like state decisions whoa like like scheduling state dinners and like summits and stuff huh yeah well i know the night before the shooting the hinkley family had dinner with the bushes

they were they were like like connected oh so it's like cia 100 wow yeah because old bush one was there when jfk got blasted head popped he killed him who knows he killed him they were like why were you in dallas that day he's like i don't remember

can you imagine if you shot biden and then they tried to give you like a hundred years in prison

you're like No.

Yeah, pass.

Yeah, I'm not going to prison for this.

Yeah, the lawyer's just like, come on.

Yeah, right.

Dismissed.

I'm going to trial by jury.

Yeah.

Find a jury that will convict somebody for killing the president.

I'd like to see that happen.

Who are you getting as your defense attorney?

Huh?

For the Biden.

Frederick Douglass.

I'm going to get Frederick Douglass.

Dream scenario?

I mean, he'd be unreal.

He'd be unreal.

He got O.J.

off.

He did.

You didn't forget about him.

He was a hell.

It was a hell of a performance.

Great litigator.

If the glove don't fit, you must acquit.

Old Fred.

Yeah, Freddie D.

Old Fred.

Yeah.

Old Fred.

My closing arguments will be in the form of a dog dance.

You know who I'm getting?

I'm getting Nick.

Yeah, Nick would be good.

Did you have assassinations?

You know, it's funny, in my memory, I always think like Frederick Douglass had his hair parted, like in barbershop.

Yeah.

But it's not.

He just has like rogue from X-Men hair.

He has like the rogue like gray streak.

Well, he wasn't a slave, but he touched one, and he absorbed your memories.

Yeah.

He was X-Men?

Yeah.

You remember Cracked Magazine?

It was the Lesser Mad magazine?

Yeah, yeah.

I don't remember it as an internet thing.

I don't remember it as a

website, too.

Yeah, back in the day, it was in the grocery store in Elizabeth, Colorado.

And they had one that was all the X-Men, but they were like transitioned into women, and the gag was X-Men.

And this was like 1999.

That's when you were allowed to do comedy.

Yeah, exactly.

Before this crap.

Well, the pendulum swung back the other way.

That was funny.

I feel like, do people still say that?

That was the most annoying.

They love saying pendulum.

Yeah, I tell you,

like 10 years ago, yeah, when all this started, you get like older guys and be like, I'll tell you, the pendulum is going to swing back the other way.

I'm like, so what do you think?

We're going to have like five years of people being like woke or whatever.

Maybe one of the, one, somebody gets fired for a reason.

It goes a little too far once, and then they're going to say, all right, here comes the pendulum.

Let's bring slavery back.

Women should be on leashes.

That's your understanding of a dialectical process is that people complain, and then they do it too much, and then we go right back to the way things were.

Comedians are some of the dumbest people I've ever met.

Oh, my God.

And we're lucky enough to hang out with some of the better comedians, but boy, howdy.

The open micers,

I thought you picou.

I love, I kind of miss DC open mics, though.

The first three years are the best times in comedy.

Because you're with school shooters.

Yeah, yeah.

All day long.

And you're also getting rides with them across town.

And you're going to be in their car and your feet don't touch the ground because of all the Hardees boxes.

And they're talking about their new 10.

Right, yeah.

Hardy's is good.

Hardees is.

I don't like the fries.

What?

Why'd you point it out?

I got sick from Hardy's in Virginia in your car.

It was from a hard deep.

You got a lot of people too hard.

You got HIV.

No,

you were like whining at the show and you took your your shirt off because you're like, I'm too hot.

I said I wanted to feel different.

I was looking at him.

He shed his pants in my car.

I got no poisoning from Hardy's.

How quick did it hit?

Because food poisoning doesn't strike immediately.

About 12 hours.

Okay.

No, less, maybe eight.

But also, we didn't go to Hardy's.

We went to Arby's.

We went to Hardy's.

No, we went to Arby's with Jamal

outside of King's Dominion area.

And there was a guy that came in, and he was.

We were with my ex-girlfriend Joyce.

and he got two the two giant bags of so there's a guy that came into Arby's and got two giant bags of food like for like two families like an old man and he's talking to the people behind there and he's like yeah yeah well dying you know I mean she's been all right you know and they go all right see y'all tomorrow he was like the gossip of Arby's it was it was hardy's he has a standing reservation at the Arby's button

because if it was there it would have been Carls Jr.

it was hardy's no that's fucking fucking moron.

I hate him so much, dude.

I like Arby's.

Have you seen the Arby's meet when it comes in the bag?

Thanks for dealing with it.

It's like a big dappled ass.

It's like covered in fish flakes, and it's in a bag, and you can go back there and slap it.

Yeah.

I had a buddy named Kevin Schultz who worked at the Arby's in Parker, Colorado, and we'd go in there and slap those roast beefs.

Did he end up trying to kill the president?

No, he's working on it.

Oh, okay.

That seems funny.

It's really his manifesto in crane, so he's making to the paper.

That seems good.

It would be funny if somebody killed Biden, because it's like you wouldn't, I don't think the media would be able to generate like outrage or

shooting a guy.

It's like a year from death anyway.

They should do it in a cool way though.

The only old person.

You take him to laser tag and shoot him from the tower.

The old person you can kill where people would be like, come on, would be like the oldest living person, especially if they're nearing the record age.

Yeah.

You know it'd be really funny to shoot somebody like the day before they break

Jean Clement or whatever her name is.

How old is she?

She lived at 124.

There has to be a Chinese guy who's like 150.

No, because they all lie about it, so the record gets taken away from me.

There's a million Chinese guys that were like, I was born in 1794.

I love the cheat.

Yeah, they're such shit.

Well, it was funny when I lived in Chinatown, you see all these ancient Chinese people, and you're like,

they must have such good health, they live forever.

But then you find out, like, those Chinese people you think are 200 years old are like 57.

Like, they're not like, they just age horribly.

Yeah, they're wasp paper skin.

Yeah, and the only medicine they have is like a big mushroom

that's floating in a jar somewhere.

It's fucking this big.

The doctor's like, yeah, here,

take this, and you're like, what do you mean?

Like physically?

Just hold it?

I don't understand what I'm saying.

It's under your shirt.

Yeah, right.

You need skin to skin with the mushroom.

Yeah, this will make you bigger.

And then if you touch a turtle, you'll get smaller again.

But if you get small, don't touch another turtle.

Whatever you do.

Hands off the turtles.

Not even a tortoise.

Don't risk it.

You can jump on them.

Right, yeah.

Mouth.

You're the mayor.

Yeah, well, these stitches are digging in the bottom of my tongue.

Are you on pills?

No, that runs out.

I mean, I got the surgery two weeks ago.

Damn.

He's out of roughness.

And then I had this giant fucking cake or somewhere in there.

Look at that.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Yeah.

What's the rent on that thing?

I don't know.

Like New York City, dude.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, dude.

Shooting John Lennon's pretty cool.

I feel bad for him, though.

He deserved it.

He seemed like he was scared when he died.

Well, he's fucking that woman who's all bones now.

Who?

John Lennon?

Yoko?

Oh, I thought we were talking about John Hinkley.

Oh, John Hinkley.

Oh, no.

He's my ex-girlfriend.

Yeah, yeah.

Come on, dude.

Hey, that's right.

We lover.

We love her.

No, wait.

John Lennon did something really funny where he had the lost weekend.

Yeah.

And he moved to L.A.

for a year and he just got a different Japanese girlfriend.

Really?

And he was just on cocaine for a year and a half.

And there's a a recording of the only time Lennon and McCartney played together after the Beatles break up.

And it is, they're on so much Coke.

It's them, Harry Nilsson and Stevie Wonder.

What a squad.

You could hear Lennon going to Stevie.

He's like, Stevie, you want to toot?

And they're like doing Coke.

And the music is unlistenably bad.

Wow.

It's so bad.

And that's like a great super group.

It should be the best music ever made.

That's how good the cocaine was back there.

It was.

It made Stevie Wonder off time.

I mean, well, it's just like you can't pay attention to anything when you're

on that garbage.

It's just like half ideas.

Stevie's on it.

Like, it's just,

it's really...

What are Stevie Wonder's mannerisms on cocaine?

Because he's already such a fidgeter.

Yeah, I mean, it's like...

What is him?

What does Stevie Wonder on Molly look like?

He's just face down, but doing this.

Yeah, in the row.

He's just chewing on his dreads.

Is he married?

He's playing a refrigerator, but he thinks it's the piano.

Remember he was criticizing George Bush for waving at Stevie Wonder?

No.

George Bush waved at Stevie Wonder.

And they're like, bro, you fucking idiot.

Maybe it's a test.

A lot of people think he's faking it.

Really?

No.

Because he had like court side seats at a basketball game.

Jamie Foxx was faking it in that movie, Ray.

Yeah.

He was a real actor, though.

He actually gouged his eyes out.

Really?

I heard that he's on the down low, brother.

Ooh.

Jamie Fox.

Yeah.

So you couldn't do that as a blind eye.

Jamie Fox is going to get a bad guy.

That's my blind eye.

Jamie Foxx is going to get...

Somebody's going to send this club to Jamie Foxx and make sure Jamie Foxx sees Adam calling him, saying that he's on the down low and calling him.

For being blind.

That's what it's called in the black community, for a guy that's a jazz-style blind guy.

I would love to see Jamie Foxx respond.

No, don't.

Jamie Foxx,

the video where you saved a guy's life in that car that was burning.

You're a tremendous guy.

freman.

I used to watch the Jamie Foxx show.

I used to watch your show, and

it was a...

That was everybody hates Chris.

You're confusing them.

No, the Jamie Foxx show, the girl's name was Fancy.

And Jamie, you should know.

Jamie, I'm a big fan of you.

Did Jamie Foxx have the same birthday?

Wow.

Me and Segal have the same birthday.

That's all.

Who fucking cares about you, dude?

Nobody cares.

We're talking about you disparaging Jamie Foxx.

Jamie Fox, I'm...

You called him a rabid homosexual.

I heard Barack Obama was, too.

I mean, a lot of people are.

You want to cut stuff out because there's not, like, there's gossip that you've been going around, like, telling everybody.

I just told you.

I said, you're my best friend.

He's told us.

Why'd you tell him?

He blew it.

Because I want a bond.

I want to have something that we have together.

I don't want to get it.

I want to feel.

I'm not going to be able to do it about him.

I want to feel.

No, no, shut up.

I want to feel like...

I don't want to ruin my talent.

I want to feel like...

The first couple months.

of using the business.

Don't give me the hand.

The first couple of months of us, it's just fucking and like just romance romance and kissing and stuff, and then it gets old.

And then he just bites it up.

He just makes you feel ugly.

No, he's just, you just,

oh my god.

There's no reason to get it.

I'm just an old bag.

I'm just getting to protect that piece of gas.

I'm getting gaslit left and right.

Sorry, you don't get to date a celebrity secretly and not have.

You're dating Alex Edelman?

I'm not.

Stop.

I don't want to talk about it.

That's huge.

I don't want to talk about it.

You guys can't dock that.

bus.

There's enough anti-Semitism in the world, and he is the only voice standing up to it.

Have you guys thought about getting just a giggling fat guy on this show?

I think it helps.

It's such a good idea.

We're trying to get Hillel Fold from Twitter.

That should be the ideal third mic.

You guys should get Nick Avocado.

He's on here just mukbanging.

Yeah, I would love that.

Having a fat guy that laughs on the show is a great idea, Dave.

It would really bring a lot of spice back to us.

And then we'd have time to think about us.

He's not even that fat.

That's a stolen dollar.

He's the guy that he's like the Zionism Twitter account guy.

Yeah.

He's pretty good.

But he's like one of these people, like this is a job that only Israelis and Indians have, which is tech speaker.

Just like,

what the fuck does that mean?

Yeah.

And they have a career that he just goes around, like, it's usually an Indian guy.

Like, if you have any kind of podcast, you'll get an email for that guy, Neil Patel.

Oh.

I have no idea who he is.

I don't know what he's saying.

I don't know.

It's like there's these Indian guys.

It's just like they'll you get an email.

It's like, please have him on.

He's been in the Wall Streets.

They've been in every publication ever.

And they do like TEDx talks.

They're like, imagine if computer was everything.

So this is like

you have cop, but now it's com it's computer.

It is India.

End if you are very

There will be a new cop, but it is also bobba boom boom.

That will be fifty thousand dollars, please.

And they're like, No, we're not giving you that money.

He's like, What about one hundred dollars or you just put on Instagram that I was here?

How about that get to keep the cup?

Yeah, I mean it's essentially what Dan Nina does.

He just added comedian.

It's probably the same guy.

Yeah.

Neil Vidal is probably Dan Nina.

It's probably a a pseudonym.

I hosted for that guy one time and he wouldn't let me in the green room.

Why?

Because it's his room.

The man is a fucking institution.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I remember when Brandon was young, the headliner told him not to eat his chips when he was like a 17-year-old hosting at the improv and he was like, he shook.

He got so...

It was such a mean thing to say to a kid.

Yeah.

He was also hungry.

His mom didn't pack him a lunch.

He's also, yeah, he lived in a box cart.

Yeah.

Okay, so how does Neil Patel make money?

SEO is the number one reason that Neil Patel's net worth is over $30 million.

Oh my god.

He launched a ton of successful online ventures like Crazy Egg, Hello Bar, and Kiss Metrics.

Kiss Metrics?

Measures your fandom of the band Kiss.

Yeah.

No, I think it's it's uh Indian guys if trying to kiss baby girls

and after kissing

please please to put kiss pussy.

Who's the other guy?

The guy that's like partially owned stand-up New York.

He's like, and then he would be in

CNBC Art Dogs.

No, James,

like James Owl Toucher.

Owl Toucher.

Yeah, James Owltoucher.

Yeah, this guy.

This guy.

He's Adam, basically.

What are you talking about?

He's another article.

What are you talking about?

He's another guy where, yeah, American author and podcast.

Blessed with youthful looks, well into mind.

You have great hair, too.

Yeah.

Come on.

That ice cream cone man is you.

Yeah.

It's what you look like.

And then he's gonna pull up a picture of Snorlax and be like, and this is Sam.

I'm no, he like there was a period where he owned Stand Up New York.

Wait, that is me, actually.

Yeah.

He owned like part of Stand Up New York, but I remember'cause he j he

would just be there would be articles just written by him.

Yeah.

And they're always like, the time I lost 80 million dollars, but then made it back the next day.

And it's like,

and I don't know who the market is for that, because it's all in like financial like stuff.

And I i would imagine that the people that mostly consume financial news are like business people yeah but then they also have this whole other market of for just rubes i guess yeah people

right exactly yeah and it doesn't sell anything because it's just yeah it's funny all this stuff goes on and then like yeah he does comedy too oh good but it's like a type of guy it's like internet marketer self-promoter yeah yeah he's like a p.t barnum for the digital age yeah you know that car salesman like influencer guy who said that like anyone who works for me has to have a six-pack.

He looks like a Marine.

Oh, I love that guy.

Yeah, he yells at me.

Andy something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That guy's my favorite.

He's like, you want to know why you're not selling cars?

Because you're a fucking pussy.

He yells at me, bitch.

He does like sales conferences.

And then he'll be like, the guy will be just upset.

And it's just a car dealership.

Yeah, the Army style yellow.

Yeah, right.

And then, but then he's not like a veteran.

But there was that video that went viral of him being like, when I enter a room, my wife knows I'm a predator.

Then I'm going to get me to get some time.

And I'm like, she lives in fear when I come up.

Yeah, no, she hides behind the couch when I enter the home.

Yeah, yeah.

Andy, Carr, salesman.

I don't know what you're hearing.

What is his name?

If you work for me, you need to have a six-pack.

What does he say?

Andy Elliott.

Six-pack or you're fired.

Andy Elliott.

Six-pack or you're fired.

The viral CEO.

Andy Elliott.

Oh, this is someone reacting.

We live in a world of those reaction videos.

Look at his picture, dude.

That's my tarot company, my entire company.

You don't sell that Honda.

You're a gay man.

Wait, wait, yeah, this is it.

Everybody says standard.

How about we raise them?

How about we raise them?

How about we raise them?

How about you guys quit getting civilized and you guys quit settling?

You know, there's some people in shroom that said, ah, I would sue my

company if they told me I had to have a six-pack.

We know you would.

That conversation was for the one person.

That wasn't for you.

The bikers.

He's going to see that clip and he's going to show up over there with a sawed-off shotgun.

I'm going to fucking beat his ass if he comes here.

That'd be awesome.

It'd be so bad for his brand.

Yeah, I'm going to lick his six-pack after he's lying dead on the floor.

Run your tongue over the ridges.

Then we're off to Paris.

Adam got in trouble for saying the F slur recently, so.

No, he didn't.

Yeah, he did.

So he's

been

making a joke where he's gay

to like cover up because he's been in trouble for

I am doing that.

Yeah, it's a smokescreen.

I'm making a joke where that I'm gay, but in reality I'm just gay.

Right, that's good.

Yeah, where it's like I'm going there, but

it's disrespectful to not give them your best.

But I don't know how many of you have had someone believe in you so much they took money out of their own pocket to make sure that you become a better person.

Pretty f ⁇ ing cool, isn't it?

Yeah, definitely.

Okay, so number one, I want everybody to clear their mind right now, clear their ego, clear any distractions you have going on in your head, clear what the f you're thinking about out because it doesn't matter.

This next hour,

everything that I will tell you will be the blueprint for you to become and create the life that you want.

Yeah, I mean, his whole thing is like, what if John Cena wrote Glen Gary Glenn Ross?

That's what this guy is.

It is kind of like

the Rogan effect on the world.

It's like a David Goggins.

It's like, yeah, you have to be told that you're a pussy.

I'm telling you if you listen to it.

You need to be broken so I can fix you.

Yeah, it's like, or the Tate effect almost.

Yeah.

Jeff Tate.

Jeff Tate.

Yeah.

The Jeff Tate effect.

What happened to Jeff Tate?

He couldn't afford new gloves, so he had to quit too, right?

Is that true?

No.

No.

He wore the fingerless gloves.

Oh, did he?

Yeah, Polk used to call him Big Gay Okerson.

I didn't know he wore fingerless gloves.

Yeah, he didn't when I knew him.

Yeah, when he since we're talking about Cincinnati, Jeff Tate, very funny.

Yeah.

Yeah, funny guy.

He was like one of those guys that was like a guy that could stay where he's at and also be a headliner.

Yeah, everyone respected him enough to give him work.

Yeah.

Yeah, he did a good job.

And that was like a rare thing when I was I'm talking like 2008, 2009.

You know, he's one of those guys that come by.

He was like the pride of Cincinnati.

Yeah.

Like whenever anyone went to Cincinnati or Kentucky, it was Tate.

Tate would be on the show.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, but I think he was fingerless.

I do not remember him being.

I do remember one time it was very funny is, and I said we wouldn't say his name on the show anymore, but Jeff Tate came through Austin.

He was on stage and Seth Cockfield was just shitting all over him to Mike McRae.

He's like, what's the deal with this guy?

This guy stinks.

PU.

Yeah, and Seth's just mock us.

You know, Seth just talks shit about anyone that's not within your shot to whoever will listen.

And so he's

doing that.

And then Mike's like, ah, yeah, you know, because Mike's a nice guy.

So he's like, not even, I guess, saying anything.

And then, yeah, I guess fucking Jeff gets off stage and goes up to Mike.

He's like, dude, you know, they're old friends.

And Seth just

crumbles.

Yeah, yeah.

That's why I quit talking shit backstage because everybody's pals.

No one cares that I would bury them all.

No, I kill it.

I thought it was because you got fat.

What's that?

I thought it was because you got fat.

No, I've started fat.

Oh.

I'm actually, I've lost 30 pounds.

Which is truly an indictment.

Yeah.

You guys heard this chair?

You used to have long blonde hair.

I did.

You had a California look.

I did.

Yeah, I used to show up with a surfboard.

Kind of a surface.

And the school's out.

School's out for summer.

Yeah.

Those were good gigs.

I worked a lot in Hawaii and Guam.

Yeah, yeah.

You had a stage name?

Yeah, yeah.

What was it?

That boy talking, run, go, tell him.

That boy talking, run, go, tell him.

Yeah.

That is kind of a surf-style name.

Yeah, it is kind of a mahalo name.

Hey, green bottle beer, bro.

Yeah, yeah, locos only.

Right, yeah.

It's tough to hump the stool on the board.

Oh, my God.

Has a comedian ever married the stool?

They just fucking.

Like how your eyes lit up.

Look at Nick's face.

He's swallowing blood.

He looks like Tony.

Sometimes Nick looks at me like the the scene of Sopranos where AJ's laughing at AOL Instant Messenger and Tony's in the hallway and he's just staring at his son.

Yeah, sometimes I have fun on why.

Sometimes I catch Nicking for fun.

Well, it's because it'll be like there will be a problem to solve around here.

Yeah.

Something will be broken.

Right.

And then I'll have to fix it.

I'll be working on it for like two hours.

Yeah, the problem.

And then he'll come in and he'll just be like,

he'll be like,

can't you just do like,

what's it like

to call it like a proxy?

And he'll just say a word.

yeah

like what if we rigged it one time he'll say that yeah what if we got a solid state proxy yeah

kind of maybe on a vpn sst black flag it's funny yeah we lost our editor and he's like hope you find him yeah come on

and so now we're we're once again scrambling to get to make the show barely function

and then adam calls me last week he's like and if it

comes to it if it has to fuck it i'll learn see this is what happened last time i'll learn how to edit video I didn't say that he says it as if it's this major sacrifice no I did like he's such a piece of shit this guy is just fueled by like he's got a black heart this guy literally I said that a year ago I said I'll I'll just like I was like do you have an extra product key for the editing software I chuckled because I know he won't do it and then he went on the podcast and he's like

You will never be able to, you don't have that skill set.

You will never be able to do it.

And then, and and then

last, and then

on the phone last week, on the phone last week, you're like,

the fact that you treat that as such a sacrifice that you make.

I was like, you belittled me in public for expressing interest in that.

Yeah.

But I also said that.

And it hurt my feelings.

Sure, they're on the desk.

No, you didn't.

No one edit the internet.

No, you didn't leave.

He laughed in my face.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha.

Grand Madame.

Have you learned?

She was in a kimono.

And in the last video.

He had a fucking

olive green face mask on.

His hair was in curlers.

Have you learned Da Vinci Resolve?

You are just the lady from Sunset Boulevard.

That's his question.

You are just, I'm ready for my close-up, Mr.

DeMille.

That's this gentleman over here.

You can't even steal.

He's a meal.

That's how bad.

That's how bad you are.

You can't reflect on the story.

He's a meal.

The easiest reference of all time.

Oh, the easiest.

Oh, the easiest reference.

You're like the lady from the movie with yeah the most famous movie character of all time

more famous than james bond the mills

no

you're like the woman who wants to kill all the freaking puppies and the hundred and 101 dogs trumpet the milo yeah

the dog 101 dogs oh god no no no i didn't fuck you're on my side i didn't say that i believe in that side they're on my side but we're all going to say we're on Nick's side on this.

So harass me online, tell me that Nick's right.

But we all know that we got to, but

Team Adam hashtag team.

You brought this up.

You're telling me.

You brought it up.

No, you're trying to put it up.

You brought it up.

They're like, you're like, he's like, this guy will assume with such contempt for no reason.

I'm like, well, there is a reason.

No, no.

Because there's a problem that he created.

I didn't create that problem.

There are problems that are created.

Maybe more problems.

And then he tells me that

it's everyone else's fault.

Let me know.

I'll be.

I'm not the thing being disorganized this morning.

I was gone.

I wasn't even here.

I wasn't even here.

How's that my problem?

How is that my fault?

How did I create that problem?

I had to make it something

last Friday.

It was cool.

Really very cool thing.

That was on Friday?

Yeah.

Not today's Monday, though.

So cool.

You saw the picture.

I did, yeah.

You told me.

I did, yeah.

Anyway, guys.

I'm still reeling.

I don't need Blue Chew after that photo.

You got a hard one right now?

No.

I stuffed for that interview.

Did you?

Yeah.

A little Easter egg.

You stuffed?

I said it as a joke to my interview.

Just in case?

No, I said it as a joke to my friend Hunter.

I'm going to do an interview stuffed.

Yeah.

He's like, you got to do a fancy one.

Hey, man.

Whatever your process is, I'm all for it.

It would be funny if you got canceled for that.

For wearing a prosthetic penis.

I didn't.

Then you have to go to court and you're like, show them the real world.

I did actually.

I was giving the TMZ.

It was a joke.

I didn't stuff.

I didn't stuff.

I was

joking just now.

I was doing a comedy.

I was doing sexually harassment.

I was doing comedy.

I I thought it would be funny.

There was no sexual harassment.

That woman that I booked on my show in my position of power.

First girl.

Anyway, guys.

Do you play video games?

I've been playing Spider-Man 2.

Dude, I've been back into Battlefield 1.

Yeah.

And the servers are still up.

That game is fucking...

It's so good.

Is it the Star Wars one?

No, Battlefield is World War I.

Okay.

Yeah.

Dude, Miles is so stressed out he can't do his essay for Hip Hop College.

I know, dude.

Dude,

he's telling me what the story is in this game.

And it is so depressing.

They're like, yeah, I'm going to DeVry to get my

certification in fucking network.

I want to become a welder.

Very good.

You know, you want to

get back to university.

Yeah, I'm trying to learn the

major in the culture.

His girlfriend is a deaf girl who tags.

Yeah, she's deaf.

And then there's a mission where you have to save a dying homeless guy's pigeon.

That's a beautiful mission.

But this guy, you come back and he's dead on the stretcher.

I got kind of choked up.

Really?

Yeah, it was sad.

Well, you wanted her to get choked up on your stuff, right?

The death tagger?

Absolutely.

If she was real, that's mine.

I started playing The Last of Us 2, which I'd never played.

Oh, that's a good game.

Oh, it's cool.

Because it's Austin.

Yeah.

And it looks like Austin.

Wow.

The beginning.

The very beginning part.

Right.

You're like, oh, wow, I feel like I'm on my way to San Marcus.

Going to Bastro.

Yeah, everything I've always wanted.

Do you do Rogan in the in the game?

What was pre-roving?

This game game came out ten years before.

So it's back when comedy was so controlled by the real comics, aka

guys that have had the same 10 minutes for a decade.

I hear that those guys are real territorial.

Huh?

The guys that were there before the LA rush.

Yeah.

Feel like...

Look, I don't know anything about it.

We're the real animals.

I don't know anything about the new Austin comedy scene.

But yeah, I mean, it's like, it's either, it seems like it is now either the Rogan guys that everybody thinks are fascists.

It's making everyone flinch on the streets.

Right.

Or the comedians that were spoiled by exposure to Comedy Central a decade ago that are angry.

Who are juicing their tapes at kickpuck coffee.

But either way, the real problem is

Democrats.

The tech industry.

What's that?

Facebook?

I don't know.

I'm trying to weigh in.

Oh, yeah.

I'm pretty removed.

There's a Sonic in my town.

I spend a lot of time there.

Do you have a Boston rival in your small town?

You're like, I hate that guy.

No.

I'm the guy who walks around town and I'm just waving to everyone.

Are you popular?

I don't think I'm reviled.

I think there's a general, like, hey, there's that guy that just moved here.

Do you have like

an aspiration for taking down City Hall?

Oh, no.

I don't care about the local politics.

I just want Sonic to keep the hot dogs a dollar all day.

Really?

That's my cross.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I didn't really do anything when we did the special in Denver.

It was so hot.

Yeah.

That was like,

that was burning.

It was very good.

It was crazy how hot it was.

It looked really pretty, too.

Oh, this is.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm talking about the heat.

No, I know you weren't complimenting yourself.

I know you.

Sorry, this is not a Los Angeles comedy podcast.

Bro,

when that came out,

you have to understand.

This is fire.

Dude.

He was the face of the sun, bro.

He's a New York guy, an LA podcast.

Yeah, New York guy.

Yeah.

These sweatpants are $800.

My accent, a lot of people, they can't figure out what it is.

It's actually specific to the comedy store.

It's the belly room accent.

It's a belly room accent.

Everyone talks like that.

It's sort of like the Bronx meets death.

Mutation Mutation a little bit.

A little stinky Haitian in there.

A stinky Haitian guy is sort of what

is sort of where I'm coming from.

Am I Dominican?

I don't know, but I'm selling tickets.

Yeah, it's funny because, you know,

that is the real pendulum.

Because I was just talking with somebody the other day.

It was like, we started the same time, right?

Mid, like 2005, 2005, yeah.

And like, when I got into comedy, that's like when quote-unquote alt comedy was huge.

And all the comedians starting out were like, there was this criticism you'd hear from like the comedy snobs in the scene where somebody would show up to do an open mic and it would be their first time they'd do bad.

And then the comics would

shit on them.

And then be like, yeah, this guy's probably thinking, he's like the funny guy around the office.

And he thinks he can do comedy.

And it's like, yeah, that's the...

That should be the prerequisite for doing comedy.

Right, yeah.

It should be somebody fun to be around.

Somebody that's funny to be around that people like at their awful job.

Not a fucking, not a

nerd snob that provides a lot of people.

That has never said one funny thing.

Back when dudes were wearing a hoodie with a suit coat over it.

Yeah.

Yeah, purple American apparel.

And if it weren't for that, that eventually, I mean, I guess it kind of has overlap with the Chris Hardwick world of just explicitly nerd comedy, which was mostly a smokescreen for raping women.

Right.

For unrepentant sex crime.

There's nothing nerdier than a sex crime.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, right, exactly.

That guy's a total dweeb.

There's a giant.

He had Dorcas over there.

There's a giant alley behind wherever At Midnight was first.

That stands for lack of a square.

And the reaction to that is like the LA sneaker guy comedy.

It's like now comedy's got to be a MMA style.

Yeah, a 47-year-old guy taking karate.

Cauliflower year.

It was never cool.

When it started, it was the furthest thing from cool.

No, you should be like the best setup for a comedian culturally is like Kirk Van Houten.

Exactly.

It's like a middle-class guy.

Uh-huh.

He wants to borrow a feeling.

Right, yeah.

At first at a bar, maybe kind of annoying that he's talking to you, but then you're like, oh, this guy's kind of nice.

He's fine.

Yeah, this guy's fine.

I don't mind him.

Funny guy around in the office.

That's all I want.

Yeah, it shouldn't have been alphas.

It shouldn't have been alphas, and it shouldn't have been extremely bitter fascist nerds that just want to rape girls.

Yeah, I think that was also probably bad.

UCB.

What's UCB up to now?

Are they still around?

I think that they still have

that show.

That show is back.

What was

the big stand-up show that they did?

Crash,

what was it called?

Laser Crash.

Laser Awesome.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cat Bacon Superfuck.

Cheeseburger cheeseburger.

Fundropolis.

Yeah, some crap.

That's a fun era to go back and look at.

It was like 2009 through 2012.

Every show.

That was making my bones.

There was a fake show, because

somebody had a stand-up show just called Dog Shit.

That's funny.

Then every show was Holy Fuck for a while.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, yeah, Holy Fuck became, what, Sleep Away Camp?

I think so.

Is that the extension?

Yeah.

But yeah, very much that branding of

what now just looks like shirts from Target.

Exactly.

That now the two-for-ones at Spencer's were your show title.

Are you guys ready to have a super awesome, fucking, super good time?

Are we doing this?

Super.

We're doing it.

Are we doing it?

Oh my god.

You remember are we doing it?

Oh my god.

Yeah.

Ooh, we're doing it.

We're all splitting this check.

I remember, yeah, you would go to.

Said no one ever.

You would go to open mics in Los Angeles and like, and then not get on either, too.

In like 2011.

And yeah, you'd watch comic after comic and half of it is just like.

So I did a thing.

It's just fucking like.

It's that singing thing.

Did you get a different fucking Yeti?

I had this one before you got the black one.

You Yeti checking him?

I bought him a Yeti as a gift and he's lost it twice.

Now he's got a different one.

Dude, I have two.

Humble brag.

That's one of the special colors, too.

The black Yeti?

No, that one.

The green?

Yeah.

Campfire green.

Yeah.

When I went to Austin.

Don't mix it up with the cookie chicken.

When I went to Austin, they were like, you got Campfire Green?

Yeah.

Brother?

Chartreuse Propane?

Chartreuse.

That's a cool one.

That's a little too cool.

What color is Chartreuse?

Is it green?

Yeah, it's like serge.

I thought it was red my whole life.

No, I thought it was like a wine red.

It does.

It seems like it, because the name

is it seems like it would be like an old kind of

sort of,

you know.

Yeah.

Like a drape color.

No, it's a very fun color.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Chartreuse.

It's also a drink.

Girl, I love chartreuse.

Chartreuse.

You got any shaw juice colored

juice?

You got anything that's shaw juice colored?

It would be fun to go back to those shows, though, and like be kind of good.

When I would do those shows in LA, I would be so concerned with doing well to impress all the LA comics who could never do a half hour in Wyoming yeah right you know and I would be I would be coming in renegade wearing overalls smelling terrible and like trying to do jokes that work for oil miners and like Brookings I would sit there and get blackout drunk about

and they're like who's this guy I'd be pacing like an animal in the alleyway and then people would be like what's up I opened for you in Chicago and I'd be like leave me alone yeah it was a bad time.

I had such a jock chip on my shoulder.

Yeah.

About why?

Because it was all nervous.

Well, yeah.

And I'd be like, you guys could never do the shows that I've done.

It's been a mountain time.

It's a nerd.

Well, it was for me when I came in.

But you're not a jock.

Me?

Yeah.

But I'm alpha.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

No.

I'm just a bad person.

No, I'm a.

What are you?

You're just a bad person.

You are literally.

Your principle.

Your notion of human character is so warped.

and you're one of the finest people I've ever met.

I'm okay.

You're a man with a coat.

I think you're one of the few people with integrity in this business.

You really are.

I don't even know, but that's really

good.

It's easy to have integrity.

That's what makes it tough.

It's easy to have integrity when your principles are like

not moral ones to begin with.

You know what I mean?

It's like everybody for themselves.

When you're Machiavelli,

well, how could I not have integrity?

There's no principles that really have to be challenged.

If it was like, if one of my principles was like, eat less than a sleeve of Oreos, I don't know.

I probably wouldn't have integrity.

I have principles.

Do you?

Yeah.

Like what?

Yes, vice principles on DVD.

He's a big fan.

Can you ever do this one?

Who's gay?

And then your hand's up already?

Can you ever do

do this one?

Oh, kiss your own hand?

Yeah, yeah.

I'd walk up to girls at open mics and be like, I'm courting you, and then kiss my own hand.

Yeah.

That's rape to me.

Yeah,

Back.

That's rape to me.

I don't feel good.

I got an ick.

Yeah.

Ick is what they say now, right?

They're into ick now.

Yeah, it's like when I suddenly lost, when I decided to cheat on my spouse.

Yeah.

Because I just decided that they're suddenly unattractive to me.

Because he gave me a chicken.

You know what?

I have my own ick.

It's actually an urge to commit domestic violence.

So let me turn that into a meme.

Oh, I got, oops, I got an ick.

Oops, I caved your fucking orbital bone in because I had an ick.

Why don't we turn that into a fun meme?

Because what?

I got a fucking bloody nose.

Something completely out of my control.

And you got something.

Something dry and you have some meme happen to your person.

Well, how about that?

They used to be into the dick.

Now they're into the ick.

I would love to be a wheelchair-bound domestic abuser, not a husband.

She was like,

there was a guy named Stephen HaHa Hunt who was in Albuquerque, and he was a wheelchair domestic abuser.

Hell yeah.

His wife was in a wheelchair, and he just like dumped her down the stairs.

Oh, no, I meant I'm in the wheelchair.

Oh, you're bound.

I'm in the wheelchair.

I'm in the wheelchair.

How about a movie, like, you know, Homeward Bound, a movie called Wheelchair Bound?

And it's about a handicapped guy that can talk.

He's trying to get to the mall.

He's trying to get his wheelchair.

But his accessorizes.

His family left him.

He's on the shoulder of a highway.

Yeah, because he can't quit saying the N-word at Ruby Tuesdays.

It has nothing to do with the chair.

But he saw hell in Denang.

Yeah, exactly.

That was sad how we just, those guys just had to go wheeling around after that crap.

After Vietnam?

Yeah, they just wheeled around.

Is the VA good or bad?

I think it helps with a lot.

It doesn't offer enough mental health shit.

Yeah.

If you have your foot blown off, we'll give you a cool stump protector.

Yeah, like a techie one.

I've never been able to gauge whether the VA is a good thing or a bad thing.

You know what pisses me off is the people who are like,

we got to save the troops.

We love the troops, and we got to donate to this charity because, you know, America's not taking care of them.

It's like, well, if we cared about the troops, wouldn't the government step up?

We shouldn't have to do like a fucking weenie roast in a parking lot to get $600 together to cover up a guy's face scar.

Yeah.

I think that they should get health care the rest of their lives, but I don't think they're going to get a lot of them.

They should get a pussy appointment every two months.

But the VA only does sex changes now.

Yeah.

I feel like you should get rid of the VA, but they get to keep their weapons.

Yeah, yeah.

They have to have a bandola on their chair.

Or a fucking Apache helicopter.

If I had my skin burned off and I had to pay for my own grandma,

but I got to keep my fucking sub, that'd be awesome.

I think they would all take that trade-off.

Mr.

Private Mullen, why couldn't you make it to your appointment?

I'm private, and I have my own nuclear sub.

I don't understand why he has access to those type of codes.

Damn, should I re-watch The Hunt for Red October?

I watched it recently.

Yeah.

Mad Good.

Yeah.

Do you know what's actually very boring that I remember being better?

Crimson Tide?

Das Boot.

Oh, Das Boot.

Remember Hamburger Hill?

No.

That's a good Vietnam movie.

Oh, okay.

Well, we were doing submarine movies.

I'm doing submarine sandwiches after this.

Okay.

All right.

You know it's a very good movie.

You know what I would invest in?

Periscope Down.

Do you know what I would invest in?

Hot investment tip based on nothing but a feeling.

And it's on the Toronto Exchange, not New York.

How do you get on that one?

That's the same thing.

If you have a brokerage account, I think you can buy Canadian stocks.

Okay.

The company that owns Blimpy.

Like Blimpies do for a comeback.

Blimpy's on the rise?

I think it is.

Huh.

That's your petty stock option.

I think Gen Z is going to find out that it's not just the pedophile sandwich company.

Because now the people that Subway Jared fucked are coming of age.

And they're going to need subs.

Well, there's going going to be more of a pushback in Subway.

Everyone thought the fallout was when Subway Jared got arrested, but that was all just the fat pieces of shit that were probably molesting kids to begin with themselves.

That was Subway's client-based.

But now his victims are of age, and they want cheap sandwiches.

They're going to need sandwiches.

And I guarantee you, Gen Z, TikTok, in six months, they're going to say, what the fuck is Blimpy?

There was another competitor.

And it's also yellow somehow?

Yeah, it's basically the same restaurant.

Yeah.

But a lot more shredded lettuce.

That's all I remember was the shredded lettuce.

And they soaked it in oil and vinegar.

It was good.

Yeah.

It was a fine sandwich.

It was good.

Because Quiznos isn't really it.

Quiznose was always kind of more.

Colorado company.

Quiznose was more in competition, and this is going to sound wild, but with Panera than Subway.

Because of the toasting.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

If you wanted a hot sandwich, you went to Quiznose.

If you wanted a wet, cold, foot-long, Subway blimpy.

Yeah.

I'll tell you my favorite one.

Hit me.

Gaccariati.

Eating a child's sandwich.

Is that what your favorite?

You know.

Is it ringing out a diaper into your open mouth?

Oh, my God.

Adam is the most

pedophile of all Holocaust AIDS diaper.

Man arrested for eating, stealing children's diarrhea.

The diaper scooper strikes again.

Prolapse AIDS.

Holocaust diarrhea.

Yeah, yeah.

He's just been eating children's feces and jacking off to it.

Yeah, he's like collecting trash without a license to pay a fine.

The Atlantic's like, this man has sexually abused

it.

Why isn't he in jail?

Well, yeah, it turns out a slow day is the day where they have the mentally disabled man write all the articles.

It's every Friday at the Atlantic.

And he's on to me.

He's on to me.

He's on my poop scene.

He connects with you.

Well, well, well, if it isn't Mr.

Freezer, you've asked me.

You'll never get me.

Master.

Scooter.

Augie's a funny one.

all gies is cute you know yesterday was anniversary of Dale Earnhardt wow 23 years that's what you were trying to say in Chinese earlier

really

I got it yeah I think about it sometimes yeah because you know it's weird I always considered Dale Earnhardt to be the South's 9-11

But I forgot that Dale Earnhardt happened before 9-11.

So in a lot of ways, 9-11 was revenge for Dale Earnhardt.

That's when the South rose again.

Well, it was like everybody down against Twin Towers.

Everyone was making fun of people for crying over Dale Earnhardt dying.

And then it's like, oh, yeah, well, here go your fucking ju a building.

Yeah, you Yankees, yeah, you feel right.

Yeah, Muhammad Atta was a good old boy.

Yeah, he loved number three.

He loved the Intimidator.

Yeah.

What was his name?

The Intimidator.

I think

I think, yeah,

sure.

Was that it?

I can't claim to be an expert on NASCAR trivia.

I don't know anything about that.

Sorry.

Number three.

Number three.

three.

Number three.

Babers.

Hail Dale.

Hail Dale.

All right, Dale.

We miss you.

Dale, we're thinking about you every day.

All right.

Let's watch this thing.

Okay, I think I'm going to go home.

No, Nick, come on, just watch it.

I got Snoopy on here.

Snoopy?

It's cool.

We think it's cool.

And so, like, to...

Did you wake up when you're awake?

Yeah.

He seems to always be doing the stuff that I need to be doing.

Like, he's roller skating right now.

No, but I mean, it'll be working.

He's on a climbing wall.

He's having dinner with us.

I think a nice thing that

Sam's idea to finish off the show is you've made a lot of disparaging remarks about my character in this episode.

I think just

an apology or like

my idea?

You just texted me.

You text me, you said, let's close it off with Nick saying that I was just kidding.

Imagine that this is also.

You'll be able to, everything will be text message.

Can you imagine what you'll be drive car and instead of

it's hello, hello,

you've got mail.

Can you believe what that is to do that?

Well, here's your check, Mr.

Patel.

I'm Neil Patel and may I have $50 please to get back to the hotel.

May I please do your podcast?

And it's never from them.

It's like Mr.

Patel is one of the most successful Wall Street Journal.

Yeah, he's been in Forbes.

Yeah, Forbes.

Well, it's because there's people that freelance for all of those publications, and then there's a website you can go to if you're a loser to be like, you can write an article about me.

Here's most of the information.

The reporter takes it.

They just put like, today I spoke to, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Then they send it to Wall Street Journal.

They get $100.

And then it's like, you know.

You can do that?

That was a whole turn.

You can easily do it.

Yeah, 10 years ago.

PR is is a vestigial tail falling off slowly.

Thanks for watching, everyone.

We'll be back next week.

Go see Nick this weekend.

Yeah, please come out in Nashville.

I got to sell these tickets.

Oh, God.

I was worried about it.

Columbus ended up being, everybody was nice.

And Magoobies, this is...

Magoobies,

come to fucking Governor's, come to Desert Ridge Improv.

You guys done that room yet?

Governors?

Governors, we had the best night ever.

Yeah, really?

It's only because the owner is.

The owner is amazing.

The shows themselves, the forgetfulness.

Yeah, the guy who owns that club is awesome.

He is.

Have you met him?

Oh, my God.

He's incredible.

I'm stoked.

That'll be good.

No, he's awesome.

All right.

Thanks a lot, guys.

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