The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 40 / The Jordan Jensen Show Podcast - Episode 3

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Hello, and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast.

Okay, bad news, guys.

Nick,

there's

he had

bad news guys.

Okay.

Guys, Nick, okay, there were stitches and then Dead Skin was grafted to those stitches and then secured by clay to Nick's mouth.

Today he went to the periodontist and was informed that it's going to be another six days of recovery.

What's a periodontist?

It's like they dig for dinosaur bones.

Oh, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It would be awesome if he just came back and just had the hardest double Ds.

Or if he just had that jaw, if he had the big chad jaw.

If he got the jaw.

And he just had just

a rock crusher.

Well, he always talked about getting fucking antlers.

That was like the plastic surgery he wants.

He wants antlers.

That's kind of alt.

That's kind of cute.

That's kind of the little tweet.

Moonrise tweet.

Kingdom.

He is very Wes Anderson.

Yeah.

If you said that to him, he would break.

You'd see it break.

You'd see the brain break.

Yeah.

So guys,

it's going to be a girl podcast.

You're going to see two bitches talking about cock periods.

Lesbians.

Lisbeth and the big bitch.

Yeah, yeah.

Lisbeth and the bitch.

We have fan favorite Jordan Jensen.

I want to know if people like me or Mike Racine and Ian better.

You.

Great.

Mike, Racine, and Ian.

I got into a big ol' fight with Racine about Israel-Palestine.

Big ol' fight.

Oh, I heard about this.

Really?

Why do you care?

Because it's annoying because on the podcast, we will like start.

Why does he care?

That's the question.

Why does anyone care other than Jews or Muslims?

Like, if anyone's too into it.

Nobody should care.

Nobody should make their current.

First of all, it's a fucking tragedy.

No, don't care about it.

You can't care.

You can't really care.

This is like when people are like, I believe in God.

I'm like,

you know, Dixon Farts joke guy.

And then this becomes your banner, like the flag that, the tattered flag that you're waving.

It's like,

why?

It's just, that's how the internet is designed for autistic people.

Everyone has to make a statement.

It just pulls you down these epic rabbits.

It's like the second you start being like, is the world flat?

The internet will make you into somebody who's like, I've never, I can't even see round things anymore.

I don't care anymore.

Yeah.

People are pathetic.

I know.

Can you think about it?

Okay, I don't want to offend anyone listening to this right now, and probably I will, a lot of them.

Can you imagine being online and making

okay, I was about to make a great point.

Let's take that again.

Can you imagine being online?

As far as it's hard.

You queef.

Really?

Just one of those.

Is that why you're pussy?

Yeah.

It sounds like a barking parent.

Okay, we'll get back to that.

We'll get back to that girl.

Okay.

You're

a barking parent?

Yeah, you know how when your parents meddle.

Get in here.

Your mom's a lesbian, so she woofs at you.

Yeah, yeah.

She's a woof.

So she talks.

Yeah.

Have you seen that movie, The Kids Are All Right?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

It's a good movie.

Two mothers?

Two mothers.

Imagine they were both Jewish.

Oh, I have three.

You have three?

No Jews.

Thank God, no.

Thank God.

Italians, which is a little Jewish.

I was thinking about this.

Jewish, Italian, Greek, same shit.

Dominated by the mother.

Greek is Arab.

No, I don't think so.

No, they're all a little racist.

Greeks?

Okay.

But Italian and Greek are dumb.

You can't put them in the same category because Jewish people are.

I'll say this.

Yeah.

Jews are closer to Italians than Irish.

Right?

Of course.

So those are like all of my friends, not on purpose, are either Jewish or Catholic.

And it's not like I'm choosing it that way.

They're a couple Muslims, but that's Jewish, let's be honest.

Yeah.

I'm not choosing it that way, but like a proper white, like a Midwestern Protestant, are the kind of people that are like, you open a door and they say thank you, but you're like, I can see in your eyes that it's not thank you.

It's not thank you.

You're just saying it?

No.

Like what's like you hate, you have darkness inside of you.

So much darkness.

Yeah.

Perversion.

Perversion.

They're They're like this all the time as soon as they're alone.

They're perverted, really?

No, I thought we were perverted.

Jews?

Pedophiles.

Jews, well, same thing.

Jews and papists.

Like, we have like a kind of like...

Papas?

You don't know anything.

I forgot you were retarded.

Jews and Catholics, like, we're told that we're bad people our whole lives.

Yeah.

We're like, you suck and you should feel terrible about it.

Right.

And that's like the commonality there.

I think that Catholics are more similar, or Jews are more similar to Italian Catholics than Irish Catholics.

Agreed.

And to some extent,

Italian Catholics are more similar to us than the Irish.

Italian Catholics are screaming at each other all the time.

They're very vocal.

Yeah, there's very flamboyant.

I love my mother.

My mom.

I love my mother.

Me mom.

And Irish Catholics are like,

could somebody pass me this?

Pull shit down and then cancer 35.

Booze, booze.

cancer, yes.

Cancer.

So one part of the lazy boy that the dad's always on, right there where the pinky part is, is just torn to bits from him just

accepting shit.

Yeah.

And then push, push, push.

Yeah.

And then dead.

Yeah.

I've exclusively dated Irish Catholic people.

Do they hit you?

When I'm lucky, when I'm lucky.

Yeah.

I had a Lutheran guy that he was punching.

He's not in like a sex, like police.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Just in a relationship fight.

Fight.

One, I got a black guy from one of the Irish.

Really?

And I got choked and tossed.

That was hot.

But it wasn't sexual.

I would never cross that threshold.

It does.

And this is why we'll never have sex?

Thank you.

Okay, anyway, I don't want to hate a woman.

It feels terrible.

I'm in love with my mother.

Right.

My late mother.

But you don't have the rage thing.

You don't have the rage thing.

I feel like

if I were that man my girlfriend would potentially respect me more yeah you should

but i always but it feels horrible when they cry you could be winning the fight and then they cry and it's just like you're cheating right now yeah because i'm winning and you've you've just you've like uh it's a cheat code do you go faster to yelling or crying

i cry so much yeah No, yell, I yell.

At her?

Yeah.

I'm Italian.

I'm very emotional.

Okay, regardless.

Regardless.

What were we saying before this about the Italians and the...

I was about to make it.

Greek, Jewish, Italian, are...

Before that, I was about to make a fantastic point.

The point you were going to make is Irish Catholics.

No, before.

The point you were going to make is that.

It doesn't matter.

Greek?

Where do we put that in line here?

Did they stuff it down?

They don't stuff it down.

No, Greek.

They let it out.

They're loud, like Italian.

I text Sav about this.

I went to the ADL Anti-Semitism Index when I was in Greece this summer.

68% anti-Semitism.

Wow.

In Greece?

When I was there, I looked it up.

First of all, that's not an objective source.

But they're anti-everything.

They're anti-anything that isn't Greek.

There was a gay guy that worked at our hotel.

He was the bartender.

We became friends with him, me and my girlfriend.

And he was like, they're intensely homophobic,

but they all go to the park and have anonymous gay sex.

Yeah, they're all gay.

I mean, it's the country that invented butt sex, right?

Right, with all the little guys.

With kids.

With children.

Right.

I forgot about that.

But even just their wall drawings is them fucking kids in the butt.

It's their graffiti.

Wall drawings.

Yeah.

Look up.

Ancient graffiti.

It's dicks going right into it.

It's really pathetic that they were popping like 2,000, 3,000 years ago, and they haven't done shit since then.

Yeah.

The Egyptians are like that, too.

They were like amazing.

They built pyramids.

And then what's been going on since then?

There was a library fire, and then they were...

That was it.

That was like, oh, the library's on fire.

Okay, I guess we're going to stop trying.

You don't meet many Egyptians.

Have they been watered down?

Have they been diluted?

With the Egyptians.

You do?

I don't.

They're cool.

But I don't go near-round.

I don't really know.

They're horny.

They don't fraternize.

They're horny.

Are they?

Oh, you're right.

They're horny.

You're right.

You're right.

Yeah, yeah.

They're chill.

Same with Israeli, Israelites, Israel guys.

They are not the same.

They're not.

I don't feel a kinship with them.

Not at all.

They're not funny.

They're not funny.

They're very scary.

They like

real MFAO.

Yeah, and bad real estate.

Bad real estate

a beautiful pre-war building and make it look like shit.

They're horny.

I just got an apartment.

I was like talking to this guy and I was like, oh, yeah, I'm a comedian.

And he was like, like, who are you?

And then the entire text exchange has been him showing me an apartment and being like, this is the bedroom.

You could fuck in here.

Like, but he's, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're all.

Have you ever watched that kind of porn?

Real estate porn.

No, don't open my mind to new things.

I can't.

My porn problem is that a problem.

What's your problem?

Well, now I'm looking at it like an autistic person on Wikipedia.

Like I'm just following whole, like I'll meet a porn.

Careers.

Yeah, like I'll see a porn.

I just used to be like that.

Really?

Yeah.

I was like 18.

I'd fall in love.

I'm not falling in love.

I'm like curious about it.

I want to know that what.

I want to know what the...

I'd never watch the stories, but then I'll go to that woman's.

Stories.

I'll go to that woman's thing.

Girls are so stupid.

You get invested in the stories.

I don't get invested in the stories.

Porn's actually rough for me because I actually come too fast with it because I've been using my brain for so long.

So then I see it and I'm like, oh, this is so.

I mean, it makes sense why men are so horny if that's what you've had access to forever.

Porn?

Well, girls could watch it.

Yeah, but we don't because it's very you know when you get when you smoke weed and watch a movie.

That's what it looks like for us.

You know when you watch a movie when you're too high and you're like, I can see all the acting and it's so cringe.

That's what porn is to women.

It's just like

Because once you start once you just fast forward to the part where some guy is just eating a girl out, you're like, oh, I don't even have to conjure this.

Then you're...

That's what's sexy to you, is the eating.

It's just like a fast go-to.

You're just not working anymore, I mean.

When a guy eats you out?

When a guy eats me out.

No, I tried washing porn recently because I have like a girlfriend.

She's a porn store.

And she's a porn store.

Yeah.

And so.

I haven't had sex in

five months.

You're married.

I got married.

Five months is a while.

Five months?

Yeah, that's the longest time.

It's so easy for a girl, no.

I know.

I just have no interest.

I just had the possibility that it is.

It just is like, I don't want to do it.

Why do it?

If you love, it's disgusting.

If you don't love, it's really gross.

And, you know, when you see like two homeless people fucking on the train and they're just like,

and you're like,

that's all I want.

That's all I want.

That's all I'm looking for.

That's all I want.

But it is true.

Like, everybody's doing it.

Dude, I was in wherever I was, San Diego, the most disgusting city in the entire world.

Sexy city.

And I had my little dog.

I have a little dog now.

You have a little dog?

No, not.

Look.

Your dog is sick, by the way.

Oh, chihuahua.

No, she's a chihuahua healer.

But she was just sitting and then I looked over and she was like looking like this and I look over and there's a pit bull that's sitting facing us and he's like

and he has the cropped ears and he had a dad's dick like a like your dad shower dick.

coming out and this giant head of it and then that and then as he looked at my dog this the red tip came out of the dad dick and I was like I just and you watched them have sex no I didn't let her near him but it just was like yeah that's that's what sex is to me it's just like a guy being like

sex to you is having sex with a dog yeah yeah yeah yeah just

maybe that's because of the Irish Catholic thing well for me I tried porn recently and it just why where were you on the road why my I was on the road yeah and you got into it you were just porn

work anymore but why'd you even open it up why not just because I was wanted to

give it a shot?

Yeah.

I have a guy just as a girl.

I'm my girlfriend and we just have sex.

I'm against.

Can I talk about this?

OnlyFans?

I'm against it.

I would like it to be your room.

Sad.

Can I tell you?

I agree.

People in relationships are doing this.

They're pulling out their phone and they're seeing one girl who they subscribe to.

And then every day that girl posts a new photo and they are jerking off this one photo.

That's cheating.

I think it's cheaty.

It is.

It is, right?

You agree with me?

But everybody's doing it.

And all their little AI faces.

If you look at the OnlyFans girls, it's like hotbody and then this face that's like...

And they're dead goat eyes.

Yeah.

And it's AI.

And what about the fathers?

What about the dad?

What about the fathers?

Yeah.

They see their daughter on that crap.

They're like,

they're jacking off with a solitary tear to their angel.

Yeah.

If I caught my boyfriend jerking off to a woman getting plowed out.

To his daughter.

To his daughter getting plowed out.

I'm like, that's fine.

That's normal.

But if I just, if I caught my boyfriend just looking at a picture of a girl looking back at him, just like in a shower, in a rock shower.

Yeah.

No.

Like an influencer.

Yeah.

Like, this is what I had for dinner, and here is my pussy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a little too close.

Yeah.

It's too weird.

It's voyeuristic.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's wrong.

I don't like it.

Well, the only thing I managed to make work with porn is like I remembered when I was 19

the greatest hits and I revisited them and it was like it was like um it was like a high fidelity it was like i was going to like yeah i was going to revisit my ex-girlfriends that's cool it kind of found the exact videos it was this one video from when i was uh

from when i was tub girl

yeah it was two girls one cup you remember tub girl disgusting sorry sorry no it was this one girl that in a green bikini and i like spent like maybe an hour googling and and i found it you dug And I was like, oh, my love.

Wow.

My old flame.

That actually would be a

cool project to put together vintage porn from the 90s and sell it as a mainstay.

That's a good guy.

I mean, merch.

2000s.

Mid-2000s, even better.

Get some Marcy Playground as background music.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, you know.

Yeah.

This would be good.

I'm going to make this and sell it as Marcy State.

I love girl podcasts.

I love girl podcasts.

So wait, so you don't want to hear about real estate porn?

I mean, it's boring.

It's all fake.

Of course, it's fake.

But it's like, oh, this is the place.

And then they're like, and then you fuck.

I'm into therapy porn right now.

That's hot.

You what?

They just come in and they're like, you two are fighting so much.

I'm going to, I'm going to help you be.

It's stepbrothers and sister.

And they...

Will Farrell, John C.

Riley.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Nice guys.

They

have them come come in and then they sit there and then they're like, I'm going to help you guys fix your fight by having sex with both of you.

Like there's turmoil in the household.

You know what I mean?

Women are.

Dude, my stepbrother called the other day.

You're just jacking off to problems.

My story.

You're just jacking off to fucking.

Listen to this.

You're jacking off to like, oh my God, they're having problems.

I swore off sex, and then my stepbrother called, who's my kryptonite, because I was groomed since I was a young child and I'm very attracted to him.

And he called and he was like,

he was like, I'm coming to New York.

And I was like, oh, okay, you can stay with me.

And then I hung up and I was like, I can't.

That's, I can't do that.

I'm off sex.

And then I out loud to my friend out loud, went, well, he's family.

It's fine.

I would have sex with him right now if he walked in here right now.

That's probably.

In the show.

Yeah.

Probably, I would be more likely to have sex on camera than I would off camera right now.

But that's what OnlyFans is.

Having sex with somebody on camera is totally fine to me.

That's fine as a porn thing.

It's the OnlyFans where you subscribe and you just get a picture of a girl intimately looking into your eyes that's disturbing.

That's the saddest thing.

There's somebody trying to get in here.

Hello?

Oh, it's a little mailman.

Male.

That was Gisborne.

Ginsburg, do we have an ad read?

Oh.

Speaking of stepbrothers, today's episode is sponsored by Lucy.

Lucy is upping the nicotine pouch game with breakers, which are pouches packing a little something extra inside.

That's kind of what they say about

the tea porn.

They're like, oh, and she's got a little something extra.

What's tea porn?

The kind Ian likes.

Anyway,

yeah.

What are Lucy breakers?

If you know your pouches, you know the nicotine doesn't hit immediately, and neither does the flavor.

Hmm.

The geniuses at Lucy, they wrote this in their copy.

They called themselves geniuses.

Crazy.

Insane.

The geniuses at Lucy came up with a brilliant way to fix both of those problems.

They put a mini liquid capsule inside each breaker's pouch.

Here's what you do.

You grab breakers and you break the capsule and you get a

little fucking, you get a blast.

I did eight at once of the Lucy's because we're sponsored by them too.

It's fun.

You are.

I sponsor you guys too.

Yeah.

And what happened?

You threw up.

Near faint.

It makes you throw up too.

It makes you nauseous.

I mean,

it doesn't.

It's amazing.

And you put it in your lip and you enjoy the immediate nicotine flavor and release.

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And classics like mint and mango.

What's your favorite flavor?

Breakers.

It's a conversation starter.

Mint.

Okay, great.

So, great conversation.

Call to action.

Sorry, I shouldn't have read that.

Break up with your dusty gas station pouches.

Dusty is disgusting.

It's good.

You like dust?

I like using dusty to trash somebody.

Dusty.

Same that guy still dusty.

Yeah, it is a good diss.

Yeah, yeah.

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Look at that dusty ass bitch.

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Here you guys go.

This is verbatim.

Okay, I have to read this okay I don't want to but I have to

here comes the fine print Lucy products are only for adults of legal age

pass

you're smug laugh

they're only for adults of legal age and every other and every order is age verified warning this product contains nicotine and nicotine is an addictive chemical thank you Lucy.

I would pay a lot of money to be off these things.

Disgusting.

Really bad.

36 years old.

I can't stop.

Pathetic.

I tried.

I listened to Alan Carr's Quitting Made Easy.

You look like shit doing that.

I know.

I know.

It's bad.

Do you wake up in the morning and in bed?

In bed.

It's always in bed.

Under the pillow.

Under the pillow.

It's bad.

Right in my dog's face.

Your dog.

So you got a dog, so you've given up on men and marriage.

Oh, okay.

It's better than cats, I suppose.

I got a dog to have something on the road with me so I wouldn't hang myself.

And it does work.

It does help.

You've taken on planes?

Yeah.

Oh, you're like legally blonde.

Legally blonde legally blonde.

There was a famous actor.

I don't know who it is.

Maybe you can tell me who it is.

Susan Boyle.

Tell me who this is.

I'm going to show you a picture of this man.

And boy, howdy, if you know who this guy is.

It's going to be like someone so Al Pacino.

She knows nothing about movies.

This is him.

Oh.

No.

He is.

Yes.

I don't know.

He plays a politician and something, but I came out of the bathroom and he was holding.

Literally, she took a picture of some guy and she's like, that's a famous actor.

Imagine you sucked his dick on that flight.

You're like,

I sucked an actor's dick on a plane.

He's famous.

I can't even imagine.

He's like, I'm a tax accountant.

I'm on this flight right now.

He was swiping through women, though, and it was bumming me out so much because he was like 6'5,

pretty hot.

But the women he was looking at were just like these

young...

Dog shit.

Like whores.

Just whores.

And it was just such a bummer.

He just seemed like he had just gone through a breakup, lost his relationship with his daughter, and now was swiping him through women.

So you're just watching him.

You didn't ask him if he's all right, if you could give a little...

No, I didn't ask him if I could tug him.

If I could tug him.

If I could give give him a little

tug on his rig.

Yeah.

I should have.

Yeah.

Imagine approaching a guy and saying, can I tug your rig?

Can I tug on your rig?

Yeah.

Listen here, partner.

I like to tug on that rig.

I'll try it.

If you pay me money, I'll try it.

I'll go up to somebody and do it.

Where?

On the next plane I'm on.

On the plane.

Would you like me to tug on your rig?

I couldn't do it.

That wouldn't happen.

Imagine like

Ian, I say that to him and he's like, this is going to be great content.

And he's sitting next to a guy and he's like, can I tug on your rig?

He would do that.

He would hold the phone up.

And then the air marshal would like attackle him.

He'd go to Guantanamo.

You know, there is no air marshal often.

It's not a real thing.

It really stresses me out because I always am worried I'm going to do something crazy on an airplane.

And I'd like to be.

And masturbate.

I vape a lot on the plane.

Yeah.

I vape so much.

I've gotten caught a couple times.

Really?

Yeah.

What'd they say?

They said, what was that smoke in the air?

and i said uh my inhaler and then one time it went off in the bathroom and i was like i don't know what happened and i put it in your pussy yeah no way i put it in my underwear insane and i was like i don't have anything on me you put it in your ass i didn't put it in my ass but i can't i don't no that's too risky so who's that actor you watched him the entire flight trying to find yeah but one point i left the bathroom and i come and i walk over and i see his face and then i just pan down and he's just holding my dog and i was like did he pull my dog out and then I was like, he took your dog?

Well, she was in the carrying case.

And I was like, did you take her out?

And he was like, no, I didn't take your dog out.

Your dog got out.

And I grabbed her.

And can you tug my rig?

And can you tug my rig?

You know what kind of offended me?

He was looking at all these women and I was being so nice the whole time on the plane.

And there wasn't even like a flare.

He wasn't even giving me like any flirtatious energy.

And just as I had the thought of like, oh, I'm sure he's married or with somebody, he pulls out the dating app and starts swiping.

And I was like, I need to.

And you were like, this.

Yeah.

Yes.

I was just jerking off my dog.

You're jacking off your dog.

What guy would pass that up?

I know.

A woman jacking off.

I was just going like this to my dog's body.

I was like,

yeah.

Yeah.

I was trying to demonstrate what I was capable of.

If you had to pick one animal to have sex with.

Oh, great question.

That's a really good question.

Those are the kind of things I think during girl time.

That pit bull.

My dog.

No.

It's a woman.

Oh, the pit bull that wanted to rape your dog?

Yeah, that seemed most like the man to me.

It looked like it did porn.

It looked like Aaron...

What's that guy's name?

Berg.

Aaron Berg?

Yeah.

Aaron.

Looked like Aaron Berg.

And that made you want to fuck the dog?

But it just looked most like Abel.

Berg tweet after our friend died.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

They killed Kenny.

That was crazy.

That was horrific.

It was really fucked up.

That's horrific.

I know.

Yeah.

It's really crazy.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

What's with the, it's so nasty comedy.

I'm sick of like, there's this ask, there's this like community in comedy.

Everything's about your mother's cunt AIDS,

prolapse vagina, anus, rape.

Keep going.

It gets too gross.

Is that funny?

It is.

It's hilarious.

Is it?

Yeah.

You hear your mother's cunt AIDS, prolapse vagina and you're like, ha ha ha ha.

Prolapse vagina.

Yeah, it's getting me.

Maybe it's just nasty.

Poop?

Poop is funny.

Jokes are funny.

Farts are funny.

But something that's just nasty does not make a joke.

Fart.

Farts are amazing.

A farts are very funny.

A fart is not a joke, and that will have me laughing for longer than a joke will.

But I'm talking about like, oh, I'm going to go blue in my act, and then it becomes all like

Asian,

prolapse, pussy, vagina, incest, mother's cunt.

Like, it's just like, what?

It's too nasty these days.

Can't people have a little bit more respect?

What is with this?

Oh, oh, you know, I go there.

That's the other thing.

It's like, no, who's doing this?

I'll say anything in my act.

I'll go there.

Are you talking about me?

Because I'm the only person I can think of.

No, you talk about, you know, funny stuff.

I talk a lot.

You talk about funny.

Farts.

But you do it in a funny context.

Sometimes it's just nasty and not funny.

That's true.

When?

What have you seen?

Saying there's an aspect of comedy that is just nastiness.

Yes, there's a guy at the cellar who does an act out of having sex, and every time it repulses me, but it crushes.

It crushes every time because it's not a thing.

If it crushes, then fine, pass.

Yeah.

But just saying prolapsed anus, Nancy, Pelosi,

January 6th, gun in pussy.

Like, just January 6th.

If I hear January 6th one more time on stage, I'll fucking go.

That needs to go.

It's got to go.

That needs to go.

If I hear this, you look like you're there January 6th.

I mean, that person should immediately

get deleted off the phone.

Also, we're in New York.

No one looks like they were in January 6th.

It's so weird.

When I started stand-up, the big thing was nickelback.

That was a big punchline.

Like 13 years ago.

That's what I call Jews.

That's for the anti-Semites out there.

Okay.

That was the big punchline.

Or like, you look like you listened to Justin Bieber.

Yeah.

Because he was like 12 at the time.

Totally.

And that was like the ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Yeah.

Now it's ain't this crack core

crack horror alleyway

gun rape um gun rape i know that one gun in the

yeah shove it in

pull the poop out put it back in pull the poop eat the poop

poop the poop yeah put the poop in the in back in just relax guys yeah relax okay

have a nice make a i like a good vagina joke because you don't don't hear them that often women are very cagey about their vaginas i love it i love it when they're like and when a female comes comes on stage and they're like, and you know, of course it was that time of the month.

You know, I love that.

I love that.

I'm like, go off, Queen.

I don't mean more that time of the month, but wouldn't it be nice if a woman stepped on stage and they were like, I have an excessive amount of discharge right now.

Yeah.

I'm discharging it an excessive amount.

My pussy real nasty.

Yeah, my pH is creating a crust.

I got a pool guy come do a pH test.

It's crazy.

You guys have swimming pools.

I don't have a swimming.

No, you guys have to check the like.

You know how, like, there's a guy that comes and checks your pool.

Like, there's a, there's a chemistry that you guys, you guys have to have, like, beakers and like buns and burners to make sure that your shit is.

No, you just ignore it.

If you go iron skillet with it and just let it marinate, you're fine.

You just gotta.

So you got cheese coming out and stuff.

No, you just, it's one of those things where at first you're like, I don't know if this is right.

I feel like I should do something about it.

And you're like, ah.

And by the time you ignore it, it creates its own ecosystem that's symbiotic.

So you have bugs in in there.

Yeah, things cleaning up other guys.

They're a little critters.

Yes, it's a closed ecosystem.

It's a closed ecosystem.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

You got to leave it alone.

You can't be going in there with the things and the creams.

It's the same way I feel about chapstick.

Chapstick make your lip dry.

You can't use it.

Can't use chapstick.

Can't use face lotion.

I don't wash my face.

You don't wash your face.

No, of great skin.

Or your pussy.

Don't wash it.

You can't wash the pussy.

You can spray it.

I hose it down.

I hose it down

in hotels that have the spray gun.

That's probably the only way that I jerk off anymore, is the spray gun hotel.

You just hose yourself.

I just hose it.

Kind of like during the civil rights movement when the police were doing that to protesters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's kind of what you...

Yeah, it's the Holocaust.

See, that's a nasty thing to say.

It's not the Holocaust.

Yeah, they did that.

Holocaust.

Crap.

Poop.

Yeah, Holocaust.

Holocaust, Auschwitz,

pussy mother prolapse.

You love prolapse.

I think prolapse is.

Prolapse is disgusting.

It's great.

It's crazy that your pussy could fall.

I met a dog with a prolapsed uterus and it was rubbing it up on us.

Uterus?

From the inside of Felix?

The inside was falling out.

It was crazy.

How the hell?

Oh, my God.

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Oh, yeah, you've done that, right?

Yeah, because you're like, this is going to take forever.

Yeah.

You're like, I need a miter saw for whatever you do.

I'm really proud of you for knowing what miter saw is.

I'm a man still, even if I'm a.

It's crazy to hear you say that loud with your legs like that.

No.

This is

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What is that?

That's an incense.

Yeah.

Should we light it off?

Yeah.

Kind of hippie style.

It's nice.

I don't have a lighter, though.

Neither.

Whether you're shipping 100 packages a month or thousands, kind of like the merch for being Ian with Jordan podcast.

Yeah, I don't know where any of that goes.

You're not getting shit.

Ian's giving it to the gals

on OnlyFans.

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You don't ship anything.

I'm not shipping anything.

Does this make it easy to ship?

How does it make it easy to ship?

It makes it so easy to ship.

I'm not going to UPS with the line of black people.

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Do you watch Next Generation?

Yeah.

Amazing show.

Is there sugar-free Red Bull in this building?

Yes.

Can I have some?

Yes.

Thanks.

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And we're back with Jordan.

Keep talking.

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I love you.

There you go.

Take a case.

Sponsor pack.

That's that's really good.

That's really good.

Sponsor.

They don't give you money though.

They just give you as much of this.

This

liquid death.

Yeah.

It's bullshit, right?

They're like, we'll give you.

That's not good.

We'll kill you slowly and give you cancer.

Don't drug it.

How would you explain?

How do you do like this?

How would you expect that?

How do you make it that?

You say to me, you say, I'm going to give you something, and no calorie, no nothing.

How would you describe the flavor of a Red Bull?

Metallic, sweet.

It's a potato.

It's high fructose corn syrup with a lemon.

That's not a flavor, though.

Oh.

What is it?

It tastes...

It tastes like medicine.

It tastes like dimetap.

You remember dimetap?

No.

When I was sick, my mom gave me dimetapes.

What's dimetap?

It tasted amazing.

I couldn't wait to get sick because it tasted so good.

It's a liquid spoonful of sugar helps medicine go down thing?

It was like a

medicine for little kids.

Wow.

But it's like diametap, but more.

Did you ever get your tonsils out?

Remember that medicine?

That was good.

My mom switched all the jello to sugar-free, and I lost like 30 pounds, but I was extremely overweight, so it was actually a good move.

I got my tonsils out in South Africa when I was like.

Whoa.

Did Nick get his teeth out in South Africa?

What's going on with this?

Nick got all of his teeth out so he could give head better.

And I'm like, girl, you can't be that much of a slut.

Okay?

Like, to remove your teeth.

And beyond that, like, I don't want some toothless bitch schlobbing on my nose.

That sounds actually pretty nice.

Think about it.

Think about gums.

Think about gums on your dick.

Think about, have you ever met a declawed cat?

Holy shit, is that a fun little teddy bear?

Oh,

so sweet.

A declawed cat.

A declawed, when they take the claws out of the cat and you can hold it and it can't scratch you and it's the soft.

It's very fucked up.

It's very mean.

Oh, my cat.

But a declawed teeth for dick sucking.

Let's go.

So Nick got this because he's like, my teeth are getting in the way of giving a head to anonymous guys.

like public restrooms and stuff like that.

I'm like, listen, like, I support you.

That's your thing.

But that's what gum surgery is.

I mean, this is like the youth.

And now I'm telling the fans, the euphemism is he's having a gum graft.

But really what he's doing is he's installing a blowjob machine on his face.

Kind of Matt Reif style.

I wonder who gave the first blowjob.

It had to be quick.

It had to be.

That's a good question.

It had to be apes.

It had to be.

It's probably a guy.

It was definitely a guy to another guy.

Because it was like, it's too good of an idea for a woman to come up with it.

It is, 100%.

No woman would think of that.

No, no, it's too advanced.

A circle in a circle?

That's not happening.

No way.

I wonder who the first guy who titty fucked was.

That guy's a retard.

Titty fucking is so pathetic.

Pathetic.

It is pathetic.

But you have a girl with big titties.

But what is it?

No, Stav and I used to argue about titty fucking for years.

He likes titty fucking.

He's like, have you no imagination?

He just becomes a connoisseur all of a sudden.

Think about what she's going through right now.

it's brutal and we don't we have to look down at your dick and look at my neck when it's down smelly body on like sitting on her gut right yeah she's probably like if he

drops i'm dead i'm dead it's over it's over and i'm gonna dive in

a penis in in between her breasts and she's like this is erotic to me

it does nothing to a woman and they're supposed to push it together They push them together?

Yeah, because when you're laying down, the titty flopped down.

Right, so you have to push them together.

They push them together and be like, yum, this is great.

Yeah, it's weird that men are okay with women pretending to experience pleasure.

You know what I mean?

I'm not anymore.

You're not?

I don't even do doggy anymore.

Really?

That's gay sex.

That's gay.

Doggy's gay sex.

To me, it is.

I like that.

To me, it is.

Although I did find out recently that gays have sex-facing frontwards.

I found that out recently, too.

I saw a movie that had a gay sex scene in it, and it was, they did missionary.

And I was like, I I didn't know that.

And they were so romantic.

I know.

I didn't know.

I thought it was pure doggy all day long.

I know.

I got waxed, and she waxed my butthole.

And she was like, You need to be on your back with your knees to your chest.

That's how you found out?

Yeah, and then I was like, That's not the best way to butthole.

And she said, as a gay.

And she said, Yes, it is.

And then I asked my gay friend and they're like, Yeah, that's the easiest access to the butthole is on your back.

It's also romantic when you can see the person.

Yeah, but then you have your feet up into little, like a baby getting his diapy changed.

I don't think that's how babies get their diabetes changed.

They do

a dick in their butt?

With a dick in their butt?

Have you ever had a baby?

Have you ever changed a baby?

It'd be so funny if you got pregnant and then you were in the delivery room and then just a wrench flopped out of your pussy.

I would love it till the day it did.

It was a wrench.

I would love it so much.

I heard a guy on the train just now, as I was coming in, big coff, gay ass haircut.

And he said,

Yeah, he said to his son, he was like, He was almost like a steampunk guy.

And he was like, I don't want to talk to you because everything you're saying is disjointed.

You just keep bringing up one subject and then changing it.

And then his daughter goes, Dad, he's 11.

And it was the worst.

It made me, I went into such a dark zone.

He was like, Yeah, well, I'm like, what do you want to do today?

And he's like, McDonald's, come on.

And I was like, He's your, it's crazy to me when people get mad at their own kids because it's just an excuse.

So you're not complaining about gay people being able to adopt.

No,

I'm more mad because he seemed like a gay guy who was masquerading as a straight guy, had kids, regretted his life's decisions, taking hit out on his kid,

you ever see a gay guy?

I was thinking about this.

You see like a little effeminate man and then you see his wife and she's a big fat hog.

And you're like, how homophobic do you have to be to fuck this beast every night instead of just taking it in the ass?

I take a different perspective.

What is it?

That like, imagine listening to her shit about the bitch at work and stuff.

Always about the bitch at work.

And the only guy that's capable of actually being a good husband

is just a gay man.

But why is he doing that?

He's gonna give her a foot rub and be like, I can't believe that bitch did that.

Mate.

I mean, listen, I'm not saying he should live in the closet, but I'm saying like

he is capable of more for her.

He has to have sex.

Than a straight guy.

Of course.

But that doesn't, you have to be so homophobic to just take that hit.

I'm not saying he should leave

in a lie.

Yeah.

But I'm saying functionally as a husband, he's probably better than what I could do.

Another theory I have.

I have to listen to the most boring stories in the world, and I have to be like, eh.

Do you really?

I hope

any guy does.

Any guy does.

And we have to be like, eh.

We have to listen to your boring stories about Nick's mouth surgery.

That's not my stories.

You talk career about it.

My stories are about awesome stuff.

About he had a triple-double last night.

And if you you look at the stats, there's three guys in the NBA over 30, averaging over 30 points.

They're getting so good at the.

Your stories are worse.

You want to

hear my understanding.

You're getting fucked by a guy.

I don't interrupt sex for bad story.

This is how you're having sex with a guy.

I'll tell you right now what it's like.

Okay.

Okay.

You're as a Karen.

Okay.

You're.

Okay.

Okay.

You're having sex with a guy, and you're like

your version of dirty talk is the best you can come up with as a fucking white bitch is

your fucking mate.

You're fucking mate.

You're fucking mate.

That's a very interesting thing.

Your fucking mate.

You're fucking mate.

You're fucking mate.

Oh my god, you're fucking mate.

And then, and then what you say.

What do you come up with?

You come up with this.

That's you.

At least I have words coming out.

Yeah.

Men just go like this.

I'm fucking you.

You like my dick?

Do you like that?

Do you like that?

And we don't have the courage to say no.

So we just say, you're fucking me.

You're fucking me.

We just say, oh, fact.

And then you're like, are you going to ghost me?

Are you going to ghost me?

You're fucking me.

You're fucking me.

Are you going to ghost?

Are you going to ghost?

You're fucking me.

I don't make any noise and I don't make eye contact, but I keep my eyes open.

I'm like this.

That sounds so erotic.

Yes.

you sound like the worst of all i'm the worst

i'm the worst and people think i'm gonna be good because i'm so i'm like this you're

i'm like this please

you're on a five-month drought yeah next time okay next time you pick up one of these hobos that you meet yeah one of these homeless guys you he's a his hands are there's a barrel fire he's warming his hands you're like oh my god you're weird you want to like come back and next time, next time old like, uh, old, like, dirty Larry from around the corner comes up to your apartment, just try the you're fucking me thing.

Just try it out.

Okay, I will.

Just try it out.

I'll give it a shot.

We say things like that.

You're because we don't want to lie.

We don't want to be like, your dick is so big because you know that your dick isn't that big.

So we have to be like, this is sex.

I'm having sex.

We're currently engaging in sex.

That's what it is, right?

Yeah.

Thank you for the honesty.

You know what?

My other thing is?

Who cares?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're a fouquet mate.

Is that what Maya says?

No.

Oh, okay.

No.

That's what, like, a girl, like

a girl that's constantly complaining to her friends about

getting ghosted from Hinge.

And then, and then they're like trying to tell you, can you set her up with someone?

And then you're like, she's the worst person I've ever met in my entire life.

I wouldn't curse my friends.

Even my most disgusting, pathetic friends, I wouldn't curse with her.

Yeah.

Those are the you're fucking me girls.

Are you going to gossip me?

The fag hags.

Yeah, it's typically just nasty, unfuckable.

I think the best thing I ever heard is my friend was getting fucked in July by a guy, and he said, I want to fuck you every Christmas.

She's like, it's July.

Yeah.

Every Christmas.

What's the best I've heard?

I don't, when people talk out loud to me, I get cringed cringed out.

I break the fourth wall.

You know?

You break the fourth wall.

Yeah, I Kool-Aid man out of it.

I leave the building.

You break the fourth wall.

Yeah.

You're like, this is actually a TV show.

I'm like, this is actually just two insecure people having sex.

You don't need to put on any sort of airs with me.

You can just, you know.

Pretend that I'm whoever you need me to.

I just say if you break up with me, I'm going to kill myself.

Yeah.

That's a girl thing.

That's a girl thing.

That's a girl thing.

That's a girl thing.

Has anyone, you know who the pinnacle of all girls is?

Yeah.

The girl who went to jail for convincing her boyfriend to kill himself.

Do you remember that there was that court case where it was she was like on trial because like she was constantly texting him like did you do it?

Wasn't her thing that she was gonna do it too and they were gonna be in Kevin?

Because if that's the case.

He's like you're in so much pain you gotta do it.

Because she just love girls because she just loved drama too much.

I think she went to jail for it.

Good.

Did you dad?

Did you dad?

That's what she was saying to him?

Did you do it yet?

Did you do it?

I'm critical of all girls.

Did you dad?

And then he doesn't say anything bad because he died.

And she's like, did you ghost me?

Are you ghosting me?

Are you ghostsing me?

I can't.

Did you dad?

Are you ghosts?

That's crazy.

Is that really what happened?

And he did kill himself?

I think he did.

Did she say she was going to kill herself too?

No, no, no.

Really?

He said you should kill yourself because you're in so much pain.

Did you dad?

Oh, because then she would would get victim

i do this is kind of a girl thing um

i do

i was like talking with my girlfriend the other day like she was like if i got in a terrible car accident and i had to be in a wheelchair

this is this makes me feel like a bad person but i am a bad person um she said if i was like had to be in a wheelchair like would you stay with me and i was like

everyone would think I'm the best guy in the world.

That's not a bad person.

And she's beautiful and she's in a wheelchair.

And I love her so much, and I'm pushing her around.

They'd be like, he is a saint.

It would really turn things around for me.

My best friend got paralyzed and I said, I'll take care of you.

And I became her nurse, but I made somebody else come in to wipe her butt.

I refused to wipe her butt.

And with that, Jordan, you have therapy.

You have to go.

4.15.

Love you.

Oh, wow.

It's been girls chat.

Thank you for listening, guys.

We fucked.

Guys, I'm in Boston and fucking Detroit in March.

What about you?

Whatever.

Oh, I'll plug.

Let me plug.

Plug.

I am going.

What?

Oh, put my mic on.

I am going to be in Sunnyvale, California.

Then I'm going to be an intoured in Asheville, Chicago, and Rosemont.

And then I'm in Arlington, Virginia, Austin, Texas, Sacramento, Boston, Appleton, Wisconsin.

Great, great, great.

Bye.

See ya.

Bye.

Love you.

Is that good?

That's awesome.

That's the most fun I've had doing this in

ever.

I know what pig I'm serving in the morning.

This is Bethany Frankl from Just Be with Bethany Frankl.

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