The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 39

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Hello, and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast.

This week, we are back.

We are joined by the original come, or what is it called?

The original Adam Friedland Show.

Well, this is the regular, right?

So, what we're not really.

So, back from December.

We got to pretend to be a single-Nicker.

Painful oral surgery.

We're the ranks.

And he had a gum graft, and he has a piece of dead dead skin connected by clay to a piece of skin that's been

ripped off.

I don't understand.

I don't really

read his texts fully, but he will not be here until next week.

So,

guys, we're going to get the hashtags Nick Strong.

Let's get that going on the internet.

Nick Strong,

I've never known a tougher bastard than Mr.

Nick Mullen.

If there's anyone

capable of so much more fun before the cameras started running, yeah, yeah, I know.

Now there's all this pressure to be funny.

This sucks.

Ah, shit.

We're not laughing anymore.

Oh, man, we were watching.

Dude, Adam showed us the funniest video.

Can I, whenever someone goes watches, you're like, shut the fuck up.

And that was, I got to give you credit.

Yeah.

That was so worth it.

It was so funny.

It's really funny.

I nailed it.

Yeah, I really nailed it.

I watched Liam Neeson playing Oscar Schindler.

He was really funny in it.

We're talking about saving one more job.

What TV show was that?

Extra?

Life is short.

No, that was Life is Short.

Life is Short.

That was one of the Ricky Gervais, like when they gave him like 10 shows in a row for like, you know, five hours.

Are you just saying that you really love where he goes with his new stand-up hour?

What is he?

He really goes there.

He does.

He's lady.

She got a penis.

Oh, is he anti-trans

Yeah, I think he is.

I would assume they all are.

He's anti-anything different.

And if you want to see something

you'll see me on the road, Ianfinance.com.

This weekend I'm in Seattle.

February 4th, Portland.

February 6th, Sacramento.

Okay.

Punchline.

February 7th, Cobbs Comedy Club.

Let's hear it.

And then February 8th to 10th, San Diego American Comedy Company, IanFinance.com.

And I'll be plugging my dates at the end of the show, like we're supposed to do.

I'm not some

HIV-infested whore.

I might die by the end of the episode.

Yes.

So we're also going to be hashtag Ian Strong.

Yeah.

Nick and Ian Strong.

Nick Ian Strong.

Nick Ian.

So I got Raleigh, Cleveland, Cincinnati, Chicago, and Charlotte.

And those dates are on microscenecomedy.com.

Yeah, I guess since we're doing this crap now, I will be in Boston and Detroit in March.

And where can they get tickets?

Adamfriedland.com.

Detroit's a fun, it's a great place to go.

Is it?

Yeah, I like it.

What is it like there?

They have Detroit-style pizza, which is good.

Yeah, that's good.

Detroit-style pizza is so good.

It's good.

Okay, no, okay.

And then, and then it's just like a town.

It's like you kind of like root for it when you're there.

Yeah.

You're like, maybe this is, you know,

they're bringing it back.

I heard it was a food desert.

I went to a hardcore festival there called Tie Down.

Shout out Tie Down, Jeff and Ramona.

Great fest.

Support those guys.

It's fucking awesome.

And it truly was in an industrial area that reminded me of the neighborhood in Barbarian.

Really?

Oh, isn't that the movie Barbarian is in Detroit, isn't it?

No.

Isn't that the

Airbnb

movie?

Horror movie?

I think that's Detroit.

Dude, I watched it with my mom.

We love watching bad horror movies.

And she watches, we watch TV movies like Black Women in the Movie Theater.

My mom's like, this woman's dumb.

Actually, I had that sense the other day.

I was in Bedside in Brooklyn, and I was like, this reminds me a lot.

Of the neighborhood from Jimmy.

Do the right thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, that movie's funny because it came out in 86.

You look like a little sly salamander.

All right.

I mean, he came out in 86 and

Brooklyn's like being gentrified in it.

Yeah, yeah.

You have that guy in the Celtics jersey.

The Celtics jersey.

Yeah, and he's already starting to

get a nice brownstone.

And what were some of the things John Totoro said?

He said, you

see, you know,

he talks a lot of truths in that movie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He represents Italian culture.

I was actually on a bus with my friend Eric.

My friend Eric is

one of the most special guys I've ever known in my entire life.

And I was staying with him in Bedside when I first came to New York.

He bought a Brownstone, his

parents bought a Brownstone.

So I stayed with him the first two weeks that I lived in New York.

And we were on the bus.

And I was like, oh, isn't this the same neighborhood as do the right thing?

And he's like, yeah, but I disagree.

And I was like, what?

What do you mean?

He's like, yeah, I fucking disagree.

And I was like, what are you talking about?

We're on the bus.

being loud.

He's like, yeah, dude, like, I don't fucking think they did the right thing.

And I was like, what?

And I was like, what?

And he's like, dude, just like throwing that trash can, like, what, you're going to destroy people's property?

And it was like, you don't understand.

Yeah, they trash in their own neighborhood.

The point of that movie is that it's difficult to figure out what the right thing is to do here.

Like, if you want.

I mean, the point of that movie is also about racism.

Yeah, yeah.

New York City in the 80s and Brooklyn.

Yeah.

Nah, I disagree.

Dude, he said the funniest thing to me of all time.

I've probably said it before on the show, but fuck it.

Who cares?

We're going to repeat ourselves.

But

he was like,

the week Dolas all happened, he was like my friend.

We would like,

he kept doing college.

You know what I mean?

We'd be like 28, be like, dude, fucking flip cup, dude.

Like 29.

Like, yeah, dude, fucking bless you.

He wanted a pre-game still and like just get blacked out.

Yeah.

And we're like trying to be adults at that point.

Yeah, but what's wrong with

what?

Flip cup's fun.

It's it's it's you know, we're like we're we're not in college anymore.

He's trying to get like you can't play Flip Cup in Dimes Square, can you?

No, no, no.

We were in, we were in, listen,

it's that he stayed still the social conditions that we existed within at 18 had not shifted, you know, like that.

He just

to be around.

He's awesome.

That's why I still chilled with him.

But he would, you know, sometimes be a liability at like 9:30.

Like, we hadn't even left the apartment yet, and he was already done.

He's already cooked, you know.

The week those all happened, he's like, dude, fucking Thursday, Thursdays, flip cup, let's go, like, just whatever he's talking about.

And he's like, yo, um,

he's uh, he goes, like, dude, you see the fucking news this week?

and i was like what and he's like there's a bitch

and i was like what

i was like what bitch dude and he's like dude so there's this bitch and um he's from seattle so he like was from washington i guess this happened in spokane washington and he's like so yeah in spokane they don't have any fucking black people but this bitch she was white and then she was head of the nwacp

He thought it was called NWN.

He thought it was called

the rap group

instead of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People.

I guess this is

honest mistake.

I think

he thought it was N-words with Attitude

and Colored People.

N-Words with Attitude and Colored People.

That's the group.

We both.

There's two kinds of people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

See, there's N-words with attitude and this.

Colored people.

It's like the classic Chris Rockfit.

I like the classic Chris Rockfit.

Of course, we all know.

Edwards with Attitude, always fucking shit.

Always fucking shit up for the colored people.

That's true.

The national.

Isn't that funny?

That was the thing.

My grandma, my great uncle, they would say colored, but we don't say that anymore.

Because now we say people of color, which is like like color yeah the same thing yeah

people of color gonna go back pretty soon to uh

yeah

michael

my uh one time me and my brother went to san diego and my dad came to pick us up at the airport this is like 2005 so he'd like just got a cell phone and like didn't know how to use it like he would like make calls and turn it off he put it in his glove compartment

so he like never had his cell phone on.

My mom would be like, your father never has his cell phone on.

He turns it off and puts it in his glove compartment.

Sounds like gun.

Which is probably the safest place because it emits radiation.

Right.

And I think I'm sterile because I always had it in my lap when I was driving.

Yeah.

So

my brother and I went to see him.

I just wanted to put the brakes on there.

So your father's balls are fine.

My father's balls are good.

You just wanted to add that your father's balls are doing.

And mine,

I can't make babies.

So brother, let me call him.

Yeah, you and me both, brother.

All right.

We're just making, God knows what, little mutants in our wife's womb.

You're making mutants to get riches.

Little smeagles.

Little smeagles, yeah.

Yeah, little smeagles.

You ruined my wife's life for two weeks, two months, in and out of the doctor's.

I'm saying, why don't we just, I'm like, can't we just adopt like a little kid from Haiti?

Why don't we?

I want my kid to have like a little, you know,

a different color.

She's like, there's too much paperwork.

And she's like, you don't do paperwork.

I hate paperwork.

I hate paperwork.

I imagine adopting a kid.

There's a lot of.

You know, paperwork is like worksheets when you're growing up.

You got to do the worksheets.

I hated worksheets.

I do kind of like paperwork when it comes down to your signature.

That's fun.

You like the signature part?

You're four years old.

That is fun, yeah.

I like signing the thing at the coffee shop, too.

Yeah.

I always do a different thing on it.

Yeah.

And when I, a lot of people have been been asking me for W-9s.

Yeah.

And when I get my W-9 with the signature on it, and when I have it, I feel like I'm like the CEO of Microsoft or something when I get that done.

It feels though.

Dude, because it's so hard to do that shit digitally.

I don't know why they make it so difficult.

Yeah.

I have some on file.

So anyway.

So my dad was picking us up at the airport, me and my brother.

And this is like before cell phones.

He doesn't have to use his cell phone.

So he finally meets us at the airport and he's like,

I don't know where the hell you guys are.

Your mother didn't tell me the gate.

And you know,

this lady behind me is telling me to move.

He's like, yeah, I'm moving i'm moving some lady's like telling him to move oh yeah the lady that works in the airport that does that tells you to tell you those people get mad bro yeah their job is yelling at cars yelling at cars yeah the car yeller which you need you need them to you know

because it's rude to actually be there but they should be in shifts so they don't get burned out at yelling at cars yeah they get and that would employ more people yeah

so my dad's so my he's like he's like your mother's calling me i don't know where you guys are and then so his cell phone rings, and I answer it, and I hear, like, I hear, like, hey, is Marcus there?

It's like some, you know, some African-American gentleman.

Yeah.

I think had the wrong number.

Was he an NWA?

He was an NWA.

He sounded more like an NWA.

So

I'm like, I don't know who this is.

It's probably the wrong number, but I'm like, maybe my dad had like some kind of double life

where he goes to train and like goes to cookouts.

And he has friends.

And he has friends and they're calling him.

What's his name?

What?

What's your dad's name?

Robert.

Yeah, they're like, Rob, Big Rob.

Big Rob.

Big Rob.

Yo, you know, Big Rob got the seasoning.

Yeah.

So, so I'm like, Big Rob got the seasoning.

That's your impression of a black person.

Yeah.

They're like, ooh, Rob, Rob's seasoning.

One time I had a cream out of my house.

And when all my friends showed up, they got mad because I didn't have any seasoning.

So they all went to the grocery store and spent an hour seasoning my shrimp and chicken for me.

You're your black friend.

That's fine, but it's like, you don't need to dump a bunch of powder on your food.

There's no other way to like it.

Yeah, salt is pepper.

Well, dude,

we went to a cookout one time and I was like, this chicken's great.

It's just a mustard sauce.

Like, this has gone on too far.

Yeah.

Where they criticize our seasonings.

They say salt is too spicy to sell it.

Well, when you look at

our,

paprika is just dehydrated pepper, garlic powder, onion powder.

That's all stuff that you can put fresh in your

onion, fresh garlic.

And then you wonder why all their feet are falling off.

Oh, my God.

Okay, all right, all right.

Come on, man.

My dad.

Hold on, hold on.

Cut?

What the hell are you doing?

$45,000 for a chance.

You're just destroying the set.

It came off.

It hits me.

Oh, wait, these just get removed.

These are the shittiest thing.

This is so funny when a piece of camera.

I had mortgage payments on him.

I had to free the show.

Hey, look, it's a new character.

That's a funny term, I hear.

30,000 on clown shoes.

Yeah, when he had his clown shoes episode,

when Nick had the clown shoes,

no, but it's nice because they're like $40,000 for movable each.

No, they weren't $40,000 each.

They were $4,000 each.

Oh, okay.

Not bad.

They're nice chairs.

I was not.

Let me juggle

it.

So my dad stands up.

They had to be sourced.

All right, enough with the

chairs.

Leave all the chairs alone.

If I can juggle, you want me 10 bucks.

No.

What do we get if you can't juggle it?

Make the data.

Guys, people are listening to this chair.

It was a bad idea.

People are listening to the audio version of this.

So you don't believe

Nick's going to blow his top.

He's going to walk.

He is.

Something's wrong here.

Someone puts up the arms on my expensive chairs.

It's the other way, Mike.

Turn it around.

Okay, so anyway.

So my dad, so his phone rings, and it's some guy.

And I'm like, well, maybe my dad has some kind of like double life or something.

So I'm like,

I go, let me put my dad on the phone.

And I'm like, here you go, dad.

And he takes the phone, he goes, hello?

And then he takes the phone, he closes it, and like throws it on the floor in the car.

And I go, who is that, dad?

And he goes, some.

He was so pissed because I'm at the airport that he dropped a fucking N-bomb.

Your father did it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

He just was so upset.

Yeah, that's the story.

He said a word that I've never said, ever.

That's horrible.

That's one of the worst words in the English language.

Of course.

I think we all learned an important lesson here today.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Might be the worst.

Probably the worst.

No.

I can think of another worst word.

What?

Marriage.

Talk about enslavement.

Yeah.

I can think of another N-word.

No sex for a month and a half.

No pussy for six weeks.

Because there's a little demon in

your wife's vagina.

That's more harmful.

Yeah, you live in hell.

Our friend lives in hell.

No pussy since Christmas.

No

pussy since Christmas.

We're just having fun.

We're just having fun.

What a great life.

Are you going to smoke?

No, don't.

I was coming here.

It's finally clean.

It's finally clean.

You know what?

Just for me, it's a very stressful time right now.

Respect.

Thanks, Ian.

What's stressing you out?

We got a lot going on, and then we have a big day on Tuesday.

I can't say what it is.

I'm excited for the big day Tuesday.

I'm excited for the big day Tuesday.

It's so big.

He said I'll come and clean up the studio if you want.

He did say if we need any extra set of hands.

No, no, I'd be happy.

I will let you know if we need an extra set of hands.

Sacramento with the Sacramento punchline.

If you want, I'll cancel.

I don't think they'd notice.

Guys, it's my big day.

Low ticket count.

I want to be here to cheer on our friend.

Wait, what's the punchline?

What's Cobb?

Isn't that the same city?

Yeah, I don't know why.

They booked me on one night on Tuesday and a one night on Wednesday In Sacramento.

In 200 minute drive to two clubs.

Sacramento, and where's the second place?

San Francisco.

That's not 20 minutes, but.

Well, Cobbs is at like, it's like a 400-seater,

like 186.

Cobbs is nice, right?

I love Cobbs.

It's great.

But I'm like, huh.

Yeah.

You know, but it'll be fine.

Everything's fine.

Everything's good.

At least I'm not living in hell.

Yeah.

You guys ever play the Applebee's in Toledo, Ohio?

I haven't been to an Applebee's in a while.

I feel like it's not.

I heard of.

Do you hear about this deal?

Chili's just dropped.

Well, I was going to say, I went to Chili's like maybe nine years ago.

Yeah.

It was dog shit.

It was hard.

It was really good.

Do you remember macaroni?

So they have a deal now.

They have a deal now.

What the fuck's that about?

Why are you grilling macaroni?

Yeah, also, yeah, I liked it better when it was called Olive Garden.

Yeah.

No, macaroni grill is now Carraba's.

Hey, can you,

let me

grill that macaroni.

Grilled on more.

I throw that macaroni on the grill.

I like my macaroni rare.

I throw that macaroni on the grill.

Yeah, like my steak.

Okay, so there's a chilies like date club or something.

What?

Where you can give them like, I don't know, like $2,000.

And then once you get a chance to

share you get dinner once a week.

For $2,000.

I think I got to find the numbers.

It's flat.

Fluffy.

Yeah.

Chilies.

It's not even special.

Because there's some chain restaurants that are not, they're like, you know, fine.

They're serviceable.

Texas Roadhouse is okay.

You know?

I got to say, man, I used to, I grew up going to Outback.

I loved it.

Last time I went there, the burger was like a hockey puck.

Yeah.

Or not, not the burger, the steak.

Sometimes, but maybe it's like the location because I went to an Outback and fucking,

where was I?

Yeah.

We went to a Texas Roadhouse in Poughkeepsie and we waited like an hour for a table.

Yeah.

And it was just like, yeah.

It's like, you think the cards are stacked up against you as a Texas Roadhouse?

You'd like work hard to be like, no, it's worth it.

Yeah.

Dude, I went to a spot.

You ever been to Rollo's in Brooklyn?

Yeah, my friend, my old roommate,

my old roommate owns it.

Really?

Yeah, it's in Ridgewood.

It's in Queens.

Yeah, yeah.

My old roommate

worked in restaurants forever and then he like left the restaurant.

They were at Grand Reed Tavern.

They all left and they opened Rollo's.

Bro, it.

And they own a bakery Brooklyn as well.

They're great, it's great.

Radio bakery in Greenpoint is really good.

My family had a restaurant in Tranton for like 30 years.

Yeah, really?

Yeah.

No way.

What kind of restaurant?

What kind of restaurant?

Oh, Italian.

What I asked.

Yeah.

For some reason, I was like, diner?

Yeah.

Oh, that's great.

Sushi bar.

What was that?

What was the name of the restaurant?

It was called, it's kind of a dumb name.

What?

It was called Romeo and Juliet.

That's fine.

There was a kid.

There was like like

an Italian restaurant Empire family where I was from in Claymont and the place is called Mr.

Pasta.

Mr.

Pasta?

Mista Pasta?

Mr.

Pasta.

That's pretty good.

Can I speak to Mr.

Pasta here?

Please, please, please.

My father's.

My father's name is Mr.

Pasta.

Call me, know me.

It was just the guy with like a big rigatoni head, and he goes over to the table and he's like, yeah, what's the matter?

You didn't like your food?

Dude, years ago, I was in some pilot for the history channel that went nowhere.

And I had to dress up as a cannoli in Little Italy.

Okay.

So what was the pitch?

What like what history were you teaching people?

It was uh no, I was just a fucking cannoli trying to pull people over so that the host of it could ask them like questions and then they'd win a cannoli.

History channel, very loose term.

Yeah, that worked with their shows.

It's like, yeah.

It's interesting they never tell They never tell her story, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

It's always the fellas' version, huh?

Well, they're coming out with a new channel called They Story.

Really?

I was watching the History Channel.

That's where I draw the line.

Shout out Ricky Trevais.

Shout out Ricky Richer Vase.

I was watching.

Shout out to the Golden Globes,

Golden Globes monologue he did a couple years ago.

Phenomenal.

Took the piss out of him.

I really took the piss out of him.

I was watching the History Channel in a hotel room a while back, and they were doing one of those reenactments, you know, and it was like really intense and there's like a guy, there's like two guys in like suspenders and one guy's got a shotgun and the guy's like, you better stay out of our territory.

And he's like, I will not.

And then like a guy gets shot with a shotgun.

And I'm like, what the heck?

What is this about?

And then like the voice of the narrator comes in and it's like, Harlan Sanders thinks this is kind of a risky business venture doing owning gas stations.

He looks for another model.

It was about the history of like Colonel Sanders.

But there was a guy getting shot with a

reenactment of

just gets blasted with a shotgun.

They needed to do the reenactment to tell the story of the chicken.

They were like, they really need to spice this up.

Yeah.

Over my dead body, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

Dude, I watched a reenactment of Lorena Bobbitt.

Cutting the penis?

Yeah, yeah.

And what do you mean?

With my mom, it was on like, it was like one of those like half-hour half-hour like reenactment shows that tells like a story, you know?

And uh, actually, the documentary on her is so interesting because that dude was like abusing her left and right.

And one night she just lost it and chopped his fucking dick off.

But anyway, right, and then he tried to be like the victim.

And then

he never believed him because she was like a poor

child because of patriarchy.

She couldn't speak English.

Is that true?

Barely.

She was like, I jump up and shit.

She's like,

all that stuff.

She's holding a bloody knife.

Then he did porn.

And I remember when I was a kid, I was like, didn't he lose his dick?

Like, I didn't realize that you could just reattach.

Yeah, you're like, you must have had a lot of dick to get a call.

I was like, chopping off the biggest dick of all time.

Tiny dick.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but I think he did a porn.

But, dude, the reenactment is a cop looking around and he goes, yep.

That's the penis on the left.

Some guy that had to go to casting.

He's like, third round, I'll ditch it.

Tell his family.

He's just a room full of guys that look like him.

I booked your job.

Good luck, everybody.

Good luck with audition, everybody.

He's really competitive.

He goes, y'all can just leave.

No, he went to Juilliard.

It's like just falling on one time.

A guy being like,

you're like, this guy sucks.

What a shitty actor.

Books the hood.

Dude, years ago, I had a job being a reader for casting.

So when people do auditions, I read it.

You do the other characters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you got the job because you read so good.

No.

Oh, never mind.

I thought it was going to be an inspirational story.

There's this woman that was reading.

There's like, you don't know how to read.

You know how?

You know, that's a requirement of this job.

Yeah, yeah.

You know how actors are like so desperate?

It was like for a deodorant commercial.

They're so desperate, dude.

Dude, anytime I've ever been in for an audition, it's like 12 other me's and they're like, yeah, I really like to network with the other people before we get in.

Like, really excited about this opportunity.

I'm just like sitting there.

I'm like, just

stink.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, like, I auditioned for, I actually Train Rack one time.

And I heard the guy on the other side of the door, and he was just like talking in a way that, like, nobody talks, you know?

He was like, yes, my name is Dominic.

Like, this guy probably went to like college for acting.

He's probably got a BFA.

Yeah.

Wait, what happened with you?

I was reading it.

It was for like Deodoran and this woman.

Just, you know how it's like, well, make the character yours or make choices they don't know what you want they want until you show them and uh she was like i love this deodorant so much i'm gonna do the deodorant dance deodorant dance deodorant i was like

saying i'm really so fucking crazy dude it's insane insane i'll do anything for this role yeah yeah yeah you can molest me yeah yeah yeah i took an acting class years ago and like they were it was like an audition class it's like everybody go up around the room and say who you are and what your background is so I'm like yeah I'm Mike I'm a comedian my manager said I should take an acting class there was this like 40 year old guy there he's probably like 45 years old he's like you know my name's Ted I've I've uh I've been an actor for uh 22 years and I've never booked anything

He's like, and I just can't figure out what it is.

What is it?

Yeah.

And then he went to the auditions class.

He thought, oh, maybe it was the auditions.

Yeah, maybe he was like auditioning.

Did he do it for the class?

And he was all.

I saw the way he acted.

Like, he would like, he would take his glasses off.

He was doing a scene.

He was like, I want to ask you a question.

That was his signature.

He was the shittiest.

Yeah, he was like, the shittiest actor I've ever seen.

He's like,

I need to ask you something.

He's like putting the glasses back on and taking them off again.

I'm like, holy shit.

In no way human has ever acted that way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It's like, how is there like a God that created this man and put him on earth for this?

Like, I thought everybody has a purpose in life.

There's no way this is

purpose.

That poor guy.

He thinks it's his purpose.

He thinks it's his purpose.

And every cyber the universe is shot up.

Hey, pal, you're going down the wrong path.

20 years.

He was like a decent-looking, you know, older guy.

But it's like going to Mike's, probably, right?

That's like it.

He's been going to Mike's for 20 years.

But they're just a TV audition.

I i think that like bad there's someone kind of fizzle out

maybe i don't know a lot of them don't but some of them some of them keep going i thought that covet was going to wipe out like i thought there was going to be like a purge but there's an influx there's an influx of massive yeah

there were people there were people who started comedy during covet and they would do open mics in the in the park yeah

it's insane that is insane because i didn't do any stand-up brilliant people did open mics in the park

you're telling me they did open mics in the park?

Well, I never.

He's got four picks.

You got to do that before.

You got to do that

before a punchline on your act.

Can you try one out?

Try what happens right before a punchline and then just do the punchline.

There's another, I took another acting class.

No, I think it was the same one.

And this guy was like, everybody was like, talk about what your aspirations are.

And he's like, yeah, you know, I like comedy, but I want to be more kind of like the leading man, like Jim Halper, like the guy who's who looks at the camera and is like, get a load of these guys.

And he was like, one of the ugliest dudes.

I was like,

he wanted to be like, yeah, he wanted to be like the,

but he was like, one of the ugliest people I've ever fucking seen.

I don't know.

You got to like know what your, what your strengths are, I think, eventually, hopefully

you learn what you can and can't do.

You want to look at the camera?

Yeah.

hey, pal, take it easy.

You might break it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So she turns to me and she's like, that's not my pussy.

So I said to the guy, I said, that's my ass.

That's my ass.

I wish I had glasses.

And he said, that's no woman.

It's a man, baby.

That's a man, baby.

So then I looked looked at her and I says, hey, do I make you holy, baby?

Dude, how funny was that shit, huh?

Austin Powers.

Austin Powers?

The best.

Do you remember like people became like an, there were like kids in class that became like an Austin Powers kid.

Or like, there was this kid, Nick.

I remember he was an Ace Ventura kid.

Okay.

And when the, right after the movie came out, we're like, wow, you're doing it so good.

You're doing alrighty then so good.

Long-term consequences.

And then like three years later, we went to the same middle school, and he was, like, still doing alrighty then.

Well, do you remember?

Let's not get mad at those people because sometimes it comes in the middle of the morning.

I think very soon you gotta copy until you find your voice.

I think that sometimes you're 39, you still give it all righty.

I think that he was really covering up some sort of trauma that happened around the time.

I just like him too.

He would do dudes just had more of the essence.

But then

there were yeah, baby, yeah, kids.

Because I remember like I was a fat kid.

fat kid.

Anyway.

Anyway.

In middle school.

I didn't know you were still a kid.

All right.

That was mean.

Yeah, I think

it's okay.

My mom, I think my mom decided.

Let's see.

Okay, I will.

You're a homosexual drug addict.

I swear.

I don't like her.

But my mom was like, oh, we went shopping one day.

We were at JC Penny's and she was like, oh, I really like a Hawaiian shirt.

Like, Hawaiian shirts look really good.

I think she tried to make me like be a Hawaiian shirt guy

for a hot second.

They did kind of look good on me, but they're really only a little bit more.

They do look nice on a factory

on the husky section.

She had an asshole and a petis.

Why don't we just stick to the script, Ted?

Ted, this is a charming commercial.

Ted, maybe let's do what's do what's written on the page, huh?

I love that you do improv.

We like, you know, you're making choices.

You keep doing the glasses thing for each line, he keeps putting them back on and taking them off each line.

That guy's probably still acting.

Yeah, look him up, look up his IMTA.

Yeah, yeah.

That's really sad.

That guy's a bummer.

Yeah.

He's probably dead.

He's probably dead.

Hopefully.

Did you ever take it?

I took a script or sketch writing class once.

Oh, dude.

No, it was like a went to Emerson and studied screenwriting.

The one with the cell phone?

What do you mean?

Your brother?

Was it the one that would turn his cell phone off and put it in the face?

No, that was the father.

You weren't listening to the story.

It was about his father.

Yeah, I took a sketchwriting class, and there was like

these, the sketches were insane.

I mean, like, people's concept of comedy is just like...

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, no one knows.

Like, it was like a sketch 101 or something.

Yeah.

At like UCB or something.

Oh, dude.

You know what I'm saying?

It's so funny to find.

And just like, there was one girl whose sketches I would save because I was just like, this is bizarre.

I'm a fucker.

Yeah, this is just bizarre.

Oh.

But I don't.

I think you should leave is kind of bizarre.

It's not bizarre, like, funny.

It's not funny, yeah.

Yeah, it's not funny at all.

No, it's like

scary.

But then there was this guy who came in.

He was like this

really tall, like black guy, like looked like Luther Vandross a little bit.

I love Luther.

And he looked like, come on.

Did you fart?

Did someone say that?

No, no, no, I didn't.

I didn't.

Did you?

No, I did not.

You've been...

I would tell you if I did.

You didn't tell me yesterday.

He said he has lentil soup for dinner.

Tonight, I'm having lentil soup.

Oh, so tomorrow.

Okay.

Anyway, so yeah, he's a drink.

He comes in that in confidence.

You fucking Jew.

You fucking dirty Jew I told you that I told you that in confidence that I'm having lentil soup for dinner How dare you

such a breach of trust

you dirty Jew'd you do that

despicable brat

I'm sorry I saw I'm sorry I

was talking about my dinner

I apologize he was talking about what he was having for dinner tonight with his family I said lentil soup it sounds good

again man you just did it again there's nothing to be ashamed of there's nothing to be ashamed of It's such a lack of respect.

This guy comes into

the sketchwriting class one day.

He looked like Luther Vandross.

And he had this, he was like this, yeah, middle-aged black guy, huge, and he has a suitcase with him.

I was like, oh, you're coming from the airport or something?

He's like, and he turns to me.

He's like, yeah, I had to take a Tinder date to overtime.

People are so weird.

I was like, what does that mean?

You think comedians are...

What does that mean?

At least comedians are like self-aware and they can't.

I took an actual case.

I didn't take a Tim today to...

Overton.

Overtime.

And I got it in at the buzzer.

That's crazy.

Dude, I...

He flew to fucking Raleigh, Durham, North Carolina, or something for like to get to make, because he didn't get pussy the

regular way.

Yeah.

It's just bizarre.

Dude, I took an improv class when I was like 18, and there was some guy in the class named Martin.

And in one of the classes, it was like Mondays.

And he came in.

He was like, woozy.

And he passed out.

And when he came to, we were like, what's wrong?

We had to call an ambulance.

He's like, I was going to show this.

And I got kicked in the head.

And he's just so comedy.

We're like doing zip-zaps off.

I got kicked in the head.

I'm 18.

I've never been to New York before.

You got kicked out.

I was thinking, though, what if I did

a summer comedy workshop for kids?

Yeah, that'd be good.

That'd be fun.

I could do that.

Like teenagers?

Oh, Brooklyn parents will pay for anything.

They don't pay for anything.

I saw a class.

I had to go pick something up from a store once.

My girlfriend just sends me random places.

There's a thing at a store that's waiting for me.

You have to pick it up.

And I was like in Dumbo and lost and then I saw this summer teen uh or like not even teen it was like 11 year old rich white kids doing a graffiti camp no yeah and they had like a cool black guy and he was like he's like all right kids like y'all gotta like work on what your tag is

and they it was rufi

and he's like yeah one of the five pillars of hip-hop is graffiti and like I think it might have been hip-hop camp and he was like he's like six

fucking bag what fucking loser parents are doing?

These kids are like working on their tag.

They had like big, big pieces of paper and they were like working on their tag.

Actually, you know what?

It keeps kids out of trouble.

Cool.

Out of trouble.

I mean, those kids aren't getting into trouble.

They're just like

just being rich at their house.

Well, then they should bring that program to the internet.

They're just making, they're just making.

Yeah, I mean, whatever.

I was in

a theater workshop when I was in middle school and we were like doing improv and stuff.

And, you know, it's like,

I'm 12 years old.

I decide I love comedy.

I want to do.

Yeah, I saw a Mel Brooks movie the year before.

I'm like, I'm like all in on comedy.

And I'm trying to, you know, find my voice and figure out what's funny and like also absorb kind of from the world around me.

So I'm telling my uncle about.

At 12?

You were that self-aware?

That's great.

Yeah, when I was 11, I was like, I want to do comedy.

Oh, that's so cool.

I saw History of the World Part 1.

I thought that movie was so funny.

It's so funny.

And I just re-watched it.

My introduction felt really funny.

Robin Hood.

Yeah, that was mine too.

That was mine, too.

But for some reason, History of the World is the one that kind of like did it for me.

That was my favorite one.

Yeah.

So I was telling my uncle about what we did in theater camp, and I was like, yeah, we were doing improv, and I pretended to be Louis Farrakhan.

And he was like, what do they tell you?

He was like, what the fuck?

He's like, why would you be Louis Farrakhan?

I just, I don't know.

I'm just seeing what works.

I don't know about Louis Farrakhan.

I think from like Family Guy and from like sketch comedy, comedy, like watching SNL and shit like that, you know?

Dude, I went to the bank and I had to talk to, you know, like one of the branch people in the back or whatever.

And the guy's like, you know, young and everything.

And he's like, he's got a paper there.

And I love reading the paper.

And I go,

oh, I got what paper?

He goes, oh, I don't know.

Just one of those local papers.

You wanted a guy came in and said,

you kids need more knowledge.

And you're not smart.

You need to read up one of the history.

And I was like,

interesting.

And he gave it to me and it was like a Louis Varicon newspaper.

There was like the indomitable truth about the real Jewish Israel.

But him on Donahue is like really funny.

There's YouTube clips.

He's awesome.

Him on Donahue.

And there's people.

It's like things don't really change.

It's like you see a guy that looks like Ian, be like, why can't we all just come together, man?

And just be friends.

I just found that.

I don't see color, man.

I'm like, that's Ian.

Except when I'm on the subway.

That guy died, and then he came back as Ian.

That guy's spirit.

We're all brothers and sisters, man.

I did not say that it was the Jews specifically that caused the problems.

What I said was, and then like some black lady stands up and she's like, you know, people don't understand.

Like, when Dr.

Farrakhan talks about Jews, this, and that, I mean, that's just how people talk.

It's really great.

You got to watch it.

it people do me talking like that about the Jews now take the glasses off and you hit that button the Jews

yeah I was actually cleaning out my office and for some reason I also this reminds me saved a story that this kid in my creative writing class in like college wrote and it was so crazy it was called

and I read back through it and it's what was it called It's just as crazy as I knew there was a reason why I had to save it.

It was called The Price of Fabulousness.

There was like this gay guy that was like, who's like rich, like, and he was like silent.

He never spoke in our class.

But he, and he was just like, he was just like,

yeah, his personality, you could just tell is rich.

And then he wrote this story and

it blew my mind.

It was like, you know, he gets off the plane.

And you know, like when...

It's beautiful because anybody can make art.

You know?

It's true.

This is like, I think, like in the

fucking loser being like, we're all brothers and sisters.

Anyone can make art.

But he's like,

he's like, yeah, you know, like, Damien got off.

Damien got off his private plane and was picked up in his white Mercedes-Benz taxi cab.

You know, it's just like when you're like trying to do creative writing, you put in as many adjectives

as possible.

You think that that's good writing?

Yeah.

He got off his silver jet and got in his white Mercedes-Benz, you know, like, and then like he went to lunch with John.

He's like, every guy wanted him every guy wanted to be you know like and they're like talking about like just like these vapid boring like conversation between two rich guys and you're like what is the what the fuck is the point of this and i guess at first you're reading it you're like

these guys are fucking

and then in the middle of it

in the middle of it it's like just so vapid and boring and stupid and they're like you're like making fun of the guy who wrote this in your head in the middle of it he's like, his cell phone rings.

He's like, it's

Dr.

Smith.

He said,

is this Damien?

And it's like, yes.

He's like, Damien, I have something to tell you.

You have AIDS.

Oh, it's so funny.

You have AIDS, right?

And so then kind of exactly where you think it's going to go.

It's just like, and then you read that, you're like, come on.

Yeah, you go.

All right.

And so then the fabric of the universe is a fabulous guy, but he got AIDS.

The price of being fabulous is getting AIDS.

What are you doing on your phone?

I found a sketch that I wrote in a sketch writer class I took like 10 years ago.

Yeah, can I say real quick, there was a guy on the subway one time handing out like little packets of his like short story that he wrote.

And he was like handing it out.

And I was like, yeah, let me take one.

I started reading it.

And it was a story about like this drug dealer.

in Harlem and the guy's name was Krak Rome.

I'm like, that's the guy's name.

And then there's a part where he goes like he got home to his girlfriend's apartment and opened the door what's for dinner he asked with hunger

he asked with hunger

but i was like i see what he's trying to do yes i see what he's going for

yes with hunger years ago i met this guy at a gay bar and i lied to get what were you doing

yeah what were you doing

you got tricked are these guys like?

What's it like to secretly go to a gay bar while you have a wife and child?

I used to go to cabin and then sneak off to the gay bar called The Cock down the street.

And I met this guy and I lied to him and told him I was a writer at Saturday Night Live so I could get free Coke.

And we went back to his place and he was like, Can you get my script to the writers?

I was like, yeah, email it to me.

And it was called Lower East Side Ballers.

And it was a musical about making it in the big city.

And I desperately, bro, I've tried.

It's in my email somewhere.

And I have to type in like the keyword.

And I keep, I want to find it.

And we have to

find it.

The next time we come on, I will find it.

And we're going to be like, dude, it's like,

it's like, things are tough.

Things are rough when you're in New York City.

It's crazy.

It's not basketball.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It's got to be so hard to be a writer because like, you know,

I noticed I stole his money and chased me down the street.

I was like, my mistake.

Oops, I thought it was mine.

I went, did I do that?

But with stand-up, you can go to a mic and try out some material and see how it works.

But when you're a writer, you just, what, you're just sitting there.

Yeah, and then you have to do like a table read and get people to invest their time.

And like, oh, shit, that doesn't work.

It doesn't work.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's, and also, like, stand-up is great because it's instant feedback.

You're like, okay, this, that, the other.

With the writing stuff, you have to live in this delusion that, like, yeah, this is.

You can theoretically build a career with stand-up over a long period of time.

But,

yeah, I don't know.

And then, like, if you're like a comedy writer, especially, like, you get hired on a show, it gets canceled, and you don't work for another, like, four years.

Yeah.

You know,

you can't just like go do like my cream show.

Yeah, for those show.

Yeah, well, dude, with the writer's strike, so many comics that were like, yeah, I'm not doing a podcast or being like a road comic.

I'll just

get a job writing for one of Sam J's 10 shows.

And then when that all stopped, they're like, oh, what the fuck do I do?

I can't do this anymore.

She's so mean.

Oh, no.

She's turned on the Patrice extra hard today.

Dude, I was on her.

You were on her show, right?

I was on her show.

I was on her HBO show, and my role was I had to give a black woman a pedicure while she held an AK-47 to my head.

That's fun.

Well, that's funny.

Did you do a good job?

I nailed it.

Yeah.

I like Sam J

because she lets you have opinions that aren't just like ball washy.

Yeah, yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

The letter ball washy.

Didn't she say something?

Didn't she go

and she was like, man, I'm sick of hearing about these, hearing from these fucking Parkland kids

when the Stop Asian 8 thing started.

Oh, yeah.

And we were still at the cellar doing comedy in a fucking box during the pandemic.

Yeah, yeah.

She was on stage.

She was like in the Stop Asian 8 bullshit.

She said it in Chinese.

She goes, y'all Chinese.

Don't y'all know karate?

She's karate choppa man to try to push you on the sublime.

Talk to me when you oppressed.

I was like, what the fuck?

But that is a good question.

She didn't go there.

Yeah.

Don't they know karate?

That is a good question.

She's like, I'm sick of Stop Asian Hate.

Literally.

She went up in the show.

Why was she sick of it?

She's like, I don't know, because it's like too much.

i forget what her take was i don't want to misrepresent her yeah because they were a bit uppity they were being uppity yeah yeah

yeah

we should have in adam's friends interpretation of that nouncp do you think

i'm all of the both

That is so funny.

The funnier, like that, that's really funny.

The second funniest thing that's ever, and I've probably said on the show before, was

I have a cousin who's like, I guess, special needs or something, and he like texts me constantly.

I saw him at my grandma's funeral, and he's like, hey, Adam, do you have text messaging?

He's like the kind that's like, no, but he's not like, he's just like a little weird.

He's like kind of a weird guy.

He's not like, like, you know, he can, he has like a job and stuff, you know, but he's just like a little bit, there's a little, something special.

You know, and then he's, so I'd give him, I gave him my number and he texts me every holiday.

So he's like, hey, Adam, what's going on, Fahaba Day?

Like, what's going on, Memorial Day?

What's going on?

Every Jewish holiday.

Every Jewish holiday.

And then one year I was at my office when I had a desk job.

And I got a text.

I said, hey, Adam, what are you doing for 9-11?

I have heard this story like six times.

But he's friends by

it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

He's ridiculous.

Yeah.

You should have him on the show.

Come town listener.

Yeah, yeah.

It said it on Cometown.

All the audiences,

we got a lot of new fans.

You should have the last, Nick was here.

Oh,

we were just about to spill the tea.

We're at 50 minutes, but I have to get on this call because we started late.

You got to jump on a call.

A business call?

Yeah.

About Tuesday?

Not really.

It's Tuesday.

Dude, you should have your cousin come, have that kid come for Tuesday.

Yeah, during the George Floyd riots, he's like,

I was like, yeah, that's crazy.

He's like, yeah, the riots happening right outside my house.

And I was like, oh, were you like looking at the window and you could see them?

He's like, no, I preferred to watch it on television.

Like, he could have looked out his window, but instead he had to watch it on TV.

It's just better.

I prefer on the TV.

They used to like, he used to ride his bike to the Apple Store.

I told you this, right?

I don't think so.

When he was in high school, he'd ride his bike to the Apple store and follow around customers and be like, that's not the right technology.

He was volunteering at the Apple Store.

And he'd be like, you know,

you're actually getting the wrong technology.

And they'd be like, he'd get kicked out every day.

They'd be like, you don't work here.

You're not a genius.

You're definitely not a genius.

You're most certainly not a genius.

There was an autistic guy in New York City who, like, he became obsessed with the subway.

And he

stole the train.

He killed the train.

And there was the guy that did it at

the doctor, too.

Oh, well, yeah, that's collected.

Oh, that doctor kids.

In my mind, in my mind, the doctor kid and the subway kid is the same kid because they were both little black kids.

Yeah, but it's better to drive the train than to drive the train.

And that guy was just doing it because he had an appreciation.

And he was so good at it.

Like, he drove him through it.

He was like, yeah, he knew exactly what he was doing.

Yeah.

I got in a little thing with a conductor today.

I was going, and the door was open here, and there were two doors open here.

And I go and I run in, and she goes, the doors open here, genius.

And I go, so are these, idiot.

And I heard, you right.

Really?

Yeah, nice.

I had a person at their job working for the city.

She yelled at me.

That's all I'm going to say.

We're going to leave it at that, guys.

Thanks for joining us today.

That was a good one.

You yelled at a similar city.

I'm not going to let people walk walk all over me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mike, go ahead, go ahead.

Alfred Smokes is my podcast.

Alfred Smokes beating in with Jordan.

Yes.

Guys, we'll be right back.

We'll be right back.

Nick, we'll be back next week.

Next strong is strong, everyone.

Bye.

We love you.

Wish me luck.

All right.

Bye.

See you on Patreon.com.

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