The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 29

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Hello, and welcome to the Adam Freelanch Show.

No long introduction today.

There's too much.

No, let's do a long introduction.

All right.

Friends, Romans, countrymen, Lend Me Your Ears.

This is the Adam Free Lunch Show podcast.

It is Wednesday, the 15th of November.

Remember, remember.

The 5th of November.

15th of November, that's a good date.

That would be like a powerful birthday to have.

You think?

November 15th?

I don't think men should have birthdays.

Probably not.

It's a girl thing, kind of.

You should just have your gender reveal day.

Yeah.

When you're five years old and make everyone look at your penis.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry to have to bother you, but your son was doing a gender reveal in the middle of the auditorium.

We're going to have to send your son home.

He stood up on his lunch table table and he said he was doing a gender reveal

and showed everyone his penis.

Man, I get it.

It's pretty funny.

Yeah.

You know, it's a real play on the whole gender.

I don't know where he's learning this stuff.

I don't know if he was doing it.

Probably in our classrooms.

Yeah.

It's probably the fault of the education system.

Yeah.

But we have to send him home for indecent exposure.

Or perhaps decent exposure.

Yeah.

What is that?

Is that one of those Michael Douglas movies?

Indecent Exposure.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm going to go in there and I'm going to show them my penis.

There's only one way to win.

There's only one way to win in business and that's by showing your cock.

Nikki Mooney was on top of the world.

I'm the only one willing to pull his cock out.

That was my thing.

But then it was his forty-fifth birthday party.

And a homeless person showed his cock to him

after a night out drinking.

Are you fucking kidding me?

They got me real good.

What?

Indecent Exposure?

Yeah, Michael Douglas.

Yeah.

Isn't that one of his movies?

Indecent Proposal.

Oh, but that's Woody Harrelson.

That's Woody Harrelson.

Yeah.

But it sounds like...

Because you always confuse that one and then the other one.

The fucking the show Your Pussy movie.

Michael Douglas is an upper middle class New York City banker.

His wife one day, some guy exposes his penis to her in a grocery store.

Did he get some thinking about it?

And yeah, he finds out, they file a police report, and then she has to give a description of the penis.

And

he's just, he's like, kind of, like, he's like waiting in the room.

And he looks in while the wife's like talking to the police description guy.

And he's drawing it.

He's just drawing like this guy with the coat open.

But then like, you know, the Wolverine towel picture?

And he's like, what?

What do you mean?

And then he's like, all of a sudden.

And he's like, like, what do you mean it was down to his ankles?

He starts beating her.

I didn't like it.

It's not my fault, Michael.

Goddamn whore.

Yeah.

And then he goes into the hood

to learn how to have a big penis.

He goes, listen to me, you fucking

teach me how to have a big cock, you fucking

you fucking animal.

He has a gun.

Yeah,

just in the Bronx.

I need to have it.

I'm sorry.

Teach me how to have a big gun.

Decent exposure.

Like, I don't know what to tell you, homeboy.

We can't teach you that.

His 14-year-old daughter is on the phone in class, or like after school in her room.

He picks up the phone.

She's like, yeah,

I heard Jerry's well-endowed at school.

And he just starts ripping all the phone lines out of the wall, slapping around.

Who the fuck is Jerry?

Shit, some boy at your school.

His wife saw some guys

cock in the grocery store.

Just one time.

A hobo.

Just literally a hobo.

His boss is like, Mickey, I think you should take some time off work.

He's just in meetings drawing it.

Yeah.

He's dreaming about it.

He has nightmares.

He's waking up in a cold sweat.

Yeah.

God damn it.

That'd be a good movie.

He gets a gun.

He has to find the guy.

Yeah.

It's a real movie.

We can't teach you nothing.

This is a crack house.

Oh boy, I don't know what to tell you.

Just fucking show it to me.

Yeah, let me see.

Let me see.

Just fucking show it to me, you fucking ape.

He becomes racist and homosexual.

It was just one day a man could not take it anymore.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The final scene is he's just looking in the mirror at his own cock.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's just yelling at his own penis.

Is this what you want?

Yeah.

Just wearing the trench coat at the grocery store.

He becomes everything he feared.

Yeah, the last race.

Full circle.

The house is empty.

He's driven his wife away.

He's alone.

He's alone.

He's in the grocery store exposing himself to some Chinese family.

They're laughing at him.

Yeah, yeah.

Show me your cock, you Chinese piece of shit.

The cops shoot him there.

Yeah.

Right?

No, he's just eats a couple of these eggs.

He's got his dick out.

He's pointing the gun at the cops.

He's like, go ahead, do it.

Fucking kill me or whatever and

and then fucking Sean Penn comes out and he's like happy birthday

and it's

and he's like you mean you this was a prank the whole time a birthday present

I hired the guy to show his giant cock to your wife Wow you guys you're good thanks thanks

Indecent exposure directed by David Fincher man that's a real movie did you see the new Fincher my dad actually called me to ask me if I saw it.

I was like, I thought you only watched Marvel Cinematic.

It's about movies, right?

I think it's about a hitman or something.

Yeah, but it's about being like a filmmaker.

No, I don't even know what it's about.

Is it good?

I haven't seen it.

I saw the black and white one, and it kind of didn't grab me.

The black and white.

The last one.

What was it?

Handcock.

Oh.

No.

You know what?

I feel like I've seen Bullet Train with the sound off like 10 million times on airplanes.

Bullet Train is the.

Oh, it's like with Brad Pitt and stuff, right?

Yeah.

They're all fired.

I have not heard a word of karate.

I watched it on the plane.

I just watched it.

It's really bad.

I watch the performances, and it's a lot of like, I'm about to do karate, I guess.

But I'm just saying.

Yeah.

I'm going to have to do karate.

They're calmly expressing that they're about to do karate.

Yeah, that seems like what it is.

Yeah.

It's just cool guys looking cool and then doing karate.

So it's like an Oceans 12 sort of thing.

Yeah, it was.

Well, I hated those movies because it's all like the fellas are back together to earn another cool million apiece.

Yeah.

Doing some fucking smile acting.

But you want to see them having fun.

I don't.

It feels good to see them having fun.

You can imagine the high drinks on set.

All those guys.

Oh my God.

The best guys.

Brad.

I just imagine

Julie Roberts going back to her trailer and getting absolutely fucked by Lyle Lovett.

No, she got fucked by Lyle Lovett, her husband at the time.

No, she got fucked by the Chinese guy that could do flips and stuff.

The contortionist guy.

She never dated.

She was married to Lyle Lovett.

Yeah, but she was fucking him.

It was more of a physical thing.

Okay, well, no.

The contortionist Chinese guy.

You're besmirching.

Don't.

Guys, it's the replica.

Oh, I just want to provide the audience with one update.

Could I?

Sure.

Okay, so recently, I don't know how it happens with us.

We get embroiled in controversies with massive celebrity guests.

It happened with Taylor Swift and Ice Spy, you know, that was a nightmare.

And now it seems like we've been dragged into another one with

Scumbag Vinny and Steve-O.

And on the Patreon this week, we got, if you don't subscribe, please, patreon.com slash T-A-F-S.

We got Scumbag Vinny's version of the story.

At the end of the Steve O episode from last week, he mentioned a guy's name

that we both thought he said Oliver Twist.

Correct?

I guess.

Why at gunpoint?

I don't even know why we're talking about this.

Adam got a DM from some guy with 2 million followers, and now he wants to flirt with him.

Stop it,

stop it.

You said literally before the episode, you were like, we're going to kill this guy.

I said, yeah, I'll kill him.

Well, he said in a DM

that he's gonna kill both of us.

Yeah.

And beyond that, he referred to you as my little friend.

Yeah.

And I was like, why do you

I wouldn't call Nick Lil.

You know, he goes to the gym.

He's an of an average height.

I don't go to the gym.

You have in the past.

You're broad.

He said,

I ain't Oliver Twist, little homie.

I'm Oliver Tweaker.

Put respect on my name.

That shit ain't funny.

Faux real.

So I said, Pardon me.

You read this and you're like, Wow, this must be

one of those Bronx guys from that Michael Douglas movie.

Yeah, I thought he was a real gang banger.

And then I clicked on his profile, and he's just some freak that makes songs.

Oliver Tree,

which I feel like that's not his Christian name.

And then he said, You and your little friend are dead.

And like, folks, I've never

since the Hamas attack,

I haven't taken a stance either way.

I told you it's a wait-and-see thing for me.

But I am concerned about anti-Semitism in this country.

And yeah, I mean, I can't divorce that from getting a DM from this Oliver Twist character saying that I'm dead.

You know?

And he probably thinks you're Jewish too by association.

He also said in there, he said, all that, like, I can't wait to kill everyone in Gaza.

We need to rape and murder all of these Gazan children.

And it's like, why are you telling me this?

Yeah.

He thought his secret was safe with you.

So I just want to say to this guy, leave me alone.

Okay?

Give me some fucking peace.

I don't know you.

You're making threats in my direct messages.

Just like

it's not fun right now for us.

Your Jewish friends are scared.

And like, you know, maybe in another day, I would be like, oh, LOL.

I love your Jewish friends Are Scared.

I want that on a t-shirt.

We should make merch for this show.

Your Jewish Friends Are Scared.

Yeah, with the Adam Friedland Show logo underneath.

Your Jewish Friends Are Scared.

That's one screen.

That's a white T with black lettering.

Do we have a sponsor?

Nick?

Huh?

I'm doing that.

Don't worry.

There's time to go.

21, 20.

All right.

Okay.

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Okay, yeah.

So, what were you saying?

This guy was threatening you?

Yeah, I don't know.

It's just,

I didn't even remember SIVO bringing him up.

But apparently, you called him Oliver Twist, and it's angered the song.

We'll call him whatever we want.

I'll call him whatever the fuck we want.

Take the gun.

Give me the gun.

Yeah, so I just just want to say

come into my DM again

and

what's like a good thing to say.

I don't know.

I'd like to we'll take some box cutters and slice your face open and then piss in the wounds.

I'll take some box cutters and slice your face open.

Yeah, what would you like to do to this guy?

You've seen him.

Theoretically.

I didn't want to do anything until he was threatening my life.

If this guy, if Oliver, what's his name?

Twist.

If Oliver Twist was here right now

and you had a, I don't know, like a like a razor blade, what part of his body would you cut first with it?

His testicles or his penis?

Maybe put the razor blade in the his penis hole and then cut down his penis to his balls?

Yeah, that sounds good.

I mean like i it would be weird to be doing that to a person.

Especially like his his dick is I don't want to like fuck

I know it's like a like, oh, I'm like the clown from the saw guy, yeah,

like joker style, but it's

yeah, it's the Home Depot Joker.

It's a little bit like you have to, it's penis,

you know.

I mean, honestly, I don't, I don't want to do that to anyone,

but like, it's just

I don't know, like, like, who are you to, like,

okay, we don't know who he is.

We didn't hear of him before.

We're like, kind of, old souls.

We don't know about new souls.

You know what I would do?

I would do a saw trap for him.

And I would have him in a room.

And in the room, the room's like in a building, unbeknownst to him, is in Times Square.

Okay.

And on one side, it's in a tower in the middle of Times Square.

And there's a window on either side, but there's blinds.

Yeah.

Alright, so one set of blinds, the string is tied around his penis.

And then on the other side of blinds, it's shoved up his ass, the cord.

Oh, okay.

And so he can either go forward or backward, but people are either seeing his ass or they're seeing his penis, depending on.

The choice is his.

The choice is yours, Mr.

Oliver.

It's quite heavy, this replica.

That's because it's real.

It's not real.

It's a real gun.

Adam brought a real gun to New York City though.

Why did you buy this?

It's made in Spain?

Yeah.

Well, I've been buying Spanish products to support

what?

Catalan.

Yeah.

It's fun, huh?

It's got a little bit of

oomph to it.

Oomph?

Yeah, a little bit of...

I just don't understand

how this guy...

I mean, like, listen.

Sir, Oliver.

If I had a razor blade, I would slice it from your belly button to your asshole.

And what is the rest of it?

Hmm?

What were you telling me to say?

I'm just asking you.

You can threaten him any way that you'd like.

I'll just sit him down and

create the illusion.

I'd like to cut all this guy's skin off and make a the make a the Wright brothers airplane out of it.

Yeah, it's too

much work.

And I'll fly you around town.

I'll fly you over your mom's house.

And she's like, oh my god, is that my son?

That's my boy.

Is that my son's penis and ass?

Yeah, yeah.

Stretched over.

Stretched over

a wooden airplane.

Yeah.

So, I mean, say that to him.

Oliver, this is for you.

Oliver, Adam's going to cut off all your skin.

I don't want it to get to this place.

Hey, Oliver Twist.

But stay on Adam.

I'll feed him the lines.

Hey, Oliver Twist.

I don't want it to be this.

This is a last resort.

I don't want it to get to this place.

But if you're sending me direct threats and saying that you're going to kill me, I'm going to cut off your skin.

I'm going to cut off your skin.

And drape it over the

airplane from the Wright Brothers.

And turn it into the Wright Brothers airplane.

And then.

Kitty Hawk, North Carolina.

And then I'm going to fly it over your mom's house.

And I'm going to fly it over your mother's house.

And the penis area.

And hopefully it's alive.

Your fupa and penis area is going to make up the bottom part of the airplane.

Yeah, and your fupa and penis area, she's going to recognize it from the ground.

And it'll be stretched over your fat thighs, it'll be the wings.

And the shame that your mother will

experience from this, from seeing your penis and asshole.

And then we're going to...

She'll wish that you were never.

He's going to wear...

Adam, say this, say this.

To Oliver Twist.

I'm going to wear

the part of the seat, the part where you fly the plane is going to be like a diaper area.

So my legs go through your holes cut out.

Adam, say the camera.

My legs go through holes cut out in your inner thighs and my penis goes into where your penis is so when your mom looks up I'll piss out of your dick onto your mom's face from the Wright brothers airplane well what if my penis is too big to have his penis fit around

well that's not gonna be a problem

what are you talking about well we can stretch it yeah we will stretch your

So we're gonna stretch your tiny penis and so we're gonna kind of like de-glove your legs and remove your legs.

His legs will be the plane's wings.

So his thighs will be stretched out.

So I'm kind of going to wear

your ass and penis as a diaper.

Yeah, but it'll be, your legs will go through it.

So your legs will be dangling from the plane while you steer the plane.

While I steer it.

And then his penis and ass are there.

Yeah.

And you're sitting in it.

But the hole is still there, so you can piss through his dick onto his mom's face.

So nasty.

But it's worth it because I would do this.

I don't want to do this.

Is it gay if you put your penis into another man's penis?

No.

No, okay.

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to have a diaper of this section.

Here comes the airplane, pal.

Of this section of your body, your legs will be the wings.

And then I'm going to pee out of your penis, which needs to be stretched extensively because it's much smaller than my penis, correct?

And then I will pee through...

my hole into through your hole, and then the pee will,

from the air, fall down onto your mother and she will he's gonna shit it through the ass out too and i'm gonna shit through the ass

and like a baboon i'm gonna take the turds and throw it you don't even have to it'll come out of his ass so his mom will be like is that my son i recognize your son i know that ass and penis yeah and then just what my son's peeing and shitting all over my face yeah she's like i wish you were never born

and unbeknownst to her you're already dead you're already dead because the plane is made out of you yeah

um

but this is as we said again a last resort

because i would just prefer it if you left me alone because

like many jews in this country right now i'm exhausted and scared and i don't we're also gonna cut your head off and tattoo a number eight on it like a magic eight we're gonna put you in blackface with a magic eight ball oh yeah that's cool and then we're gonna rip out everything inside your head and then fill it with like a blue liquid yeah and then a triangle And then use one of your nuts and write I'm gay on it.

And then fucking, we're going to

cut your eyes out and then seal that with glass.

And then we'll look at you and say, Are you gay?

And then just shake your head.

Shake it.

Your nuts are going to come up and say, I'm gay.

On your fucking, you know, your eyeballs.

Yeah, see how you like that.

Yeah.

I guess what's getting dropped on your mom's noggin once the plane flies over you.

It's your magic eight ball.

Magic gay eight ball, I'm gay head.

And your mom is going to think that's really

lame.

She's going to say, I knew it.

She's going to be like, I knew it all along.

My son's gay, and his head is a giant magic eight ball.

And I wish he was never born.

We're going to cut your hands off and tie them to shoestrings.

Yeah.

And then we're going to do a low pass over a daycare center and use your hands to touch a bunch of kids.

Yeah.

So people remember you as a pedophile, also.

Yeah.

And there's nothing you can do about it.

A plane came by.

There was a man, and he was molesting all the children.

And I'm going to go to a courthouse

and I'm going to file for custody for your mother to adopt me.

And I'm going to comfort her.

And then we're going to chop her.

She's going to be so traumatized.

We're going to climb out of the crib while we're in your mom's house.

Because her son's dead, so she wants a new son.

And we're going to sleep with her.

So she adopts a pair of twin babies that we'll dress up as.

Yeah, we're going to be the babies.

First night in the home, we'll use our adult strength to get out of the crib and fuck your mom while she's consensually.

Yeah.

Or maybe.

No.

Okay.

That's a step beyond.

Yeah.

I'm going to be dressed as a baby and have consensual sex with your mother in a MMF threesome with my little friend, as you refer to him.

And guess what?

She'll be like, this is the best sex I've ever had with a son of a

sense of mine.

I'm going to eat nothing but protein powder for three weeks prior to this.

And then

the first night too, I'm also going to open her birth control pills, dump them all out, and take little deer-sized shit pellets and all of them.

Why would his mom be on birth control?

Because she doesn't, she already had one son.

Oh, you were such a bad son, she never wanted another one.

Yeah, after she saw

your penis and

she saw you got turned into a pedophile airplane with a gay head.

She didn't want another son, so she got on birth control.

But I've been taking protein powder, so I just have little deer shit pellets.

And that's what you're...

So your mom's been eating my shit in the form of birth control.

Yeah, and it's been coming out of his ass like a Tommy gun.

So then she gets pregnant from Adam, who's a baby.

And then she goes to jail for being a pedophile.

For having sex with a baby.

For having sex with a baby because the DNA results don't lie, pal.

Yeah.

But she has my child, and then I name the child your name,

all of her twist,

right?

And then I'm so nice to it.

You want me to socially engineer Instagram to give the baby your account?

Yeah.

And then the judge, there's a judge order, a court order to give the baby, the baby Oliver Twist your account

because you're gay.

Yeah.

Or something.

Not because,

I don't know.

It doesn't have to be a homophobic.

So, like I said, if you make threats in my DMs,

this would be a last resort

to turn you into a plane.

Yeah.

And then to really give your mom a hard time.

Yeah, you better look out.

You better watch out.

Anyways,

yeah, so that's something you have to look forward to.

Yeah.

It just hurts like to like, I don't want to get in beef with people.

Get in beef?

Yeah.

I just like it when things are chill.

You know, I don't like like I'm not a confrontational kind of, I'm not a messy bitch.

You've known me for years.

You know, I like it when things are nice.

What should I have for lunch after this?

Why are you having lunch?

It's like four.

Because I had breakfast late.

Because I walked here.

Late breakfast.

You know what you should have for lunch?

Breakfast.

I love an upside-down day.

I've been having, I bought some of those Kodiak protein pancakes.

Have you had those?

It's for bears?

I don't know.

They're called Kodiak protein pancakes.

They come in a stack of three in a plastic package.

Really?

And you cut open and put on a plate in my bag.

That sounds great.

What's wrong?

No, I just...

Nothing.

Well, who cares?

Go ahead, dude.

No, I'm sorry.

I didn't.

That was rude.

I don't want you to feel like I was.

Are you busy with something?

You're always busy with something.

I'm literally not.

I'm like.

There's something about my car.

Okay, guys.

My car got hit by a bus while it was parked on the street.

So I'm waiting for an email from the fucking insurance claims adjuster.

It was a Hasidic bus?

I'm choosing to believe it was a Hasidic bus, but I don't know.

They just left their insurance information.

And, you know, so I've been on the phone with the insurance all day.

I took a walk through South Williamsburg.

How are those boys doing these days?

It's alright.

It's always nice to walk through that neighborhood in the fall.

I guess doing anything in the fall is nice, but it's just, yeah, it's like going to like a

little

costume party.

Oh, you think it's like a Halloween?

Yeah,

it does feel like it.

But everyone wore the same costume.

They all wear the same costume.

Oh, that's embarrassing for them, huh?

What is the Jewish Halloween that they do?

Purim.

Okay, but only they wear costumes for that.

What do you mean, only that?

That's not like a Jew-wide thing to do costumes for a project.

I think other Jews do it, but they take it real serious.

Yeah, they go crazy.

I had no idea.

And their costumes are weird.

They're not like scary.

They're just costumes.

They're just clowns.

Yeah.

Yeah, but it's not Halloween.

I saw one of them just had a giant light bulb on his head.

That's funny.

Like, you got an idea?

Yeah, no, his head was a light bulb.

So that's also funny.

He's like, I am light bulb.

That's really, that's good.

What if I was lamp?

Listen,

comedy is a big part of who we are, you know?

Except for in Israel.

Those guys are not funny, in my opinion.

Yeah, no, it celebrates the victory over.

There's this man named Haman

who tried to tell Haman, nice shot.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, man.

Yeah, yeah.

Who uh

told the

I think it was the Greek king of of uh Judea or Palestine or whatever it was called, uh to kill all the Jews.

Antiochus was the king.

Mm-hmm.

And then

And we're back.

So we're back.

We had a bit of a technical issue.

A little snafu, but not that bad.

Yeah, Ginsburg is out of town for the week.

Yes.

Ginsburg.

Happy birthday to Adam.

He's 40.

It's crazy that he's only 40.

Yeah, I thought 75 years old.

I'd literally, if he told me he was 57, I would have been like, oh, yeah.

Yeah.

One of the old men in the balcony from The Muppet Show is our editor.

Adam Ginsburg, great guy.

We love him.

Statler and Waldorf.

It is really fucking...

You would know their names.

of of Muppets of like the two old men I'm not not like dropping like a deep cut here yeah, but people just call them the two old guys.

No, they don't but they don't say like Waldorf

was a stabler

I'm sorry dude It was a compliment was it yes, I wasn't no I wasn't making fun of you for knowing that look it's been a long day dude dude it has been a long day

it's been a long day It's been a long time.

You got you got a...

What else is going on this week?

Didn't somebody die?

Yeah.

Somebody famous died?

Someone died.

Who?

I don't know.

So is the answer no or you don't know?

Probably someone died.

What's going on with your hair, too?

I don't know.

I don't look stupid.

You look like a,

you know, like 60s British woman haircut where they had like the...

The beehive?

The bangs, and then they had like a different haircut back here.

You look like a woman from the 60s woman.

Like a woman.

I'm saying this.

I'm saying this.

The James Bond would fuck.

I'm saying this not as a bit.

Can I have the gun, please?

No, I'm saying this not as a bit, but could you just do my hair real quick?

Can I please just.

I'll give you the gun if you do my hair.

It's just the low energy stuff.

Just do my hair.

I just can't stand.

No, Nick, do my hair.

Today's episode is also brought to you by

Lucy's.

Lucy, you got some explaining to do.

Well, yes, I do.

I got to explain what Lucy is.

And this smells like their...

The product?

Yeah, they actually have nicotine-infused shirts now.

Oh, those are good.

Those are good.

You put this on, you start violently shitting yourself and having a seizure.

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No, you got the strong ones.

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No, it makes me nauseous, Nick.

I'm gonna throw up.

I swear to God, I'm gonna throw up if I do it.

Whoa.

Smells great.

Damn.

I'll try it out.

This was apple ice.

I guess you're really not supposed to jam these up your nose.

That's like doing snuff.

That's crazy.

I would wonder what happened if you tore one of these open and snorted

what's in here.

Anyways, there's...

This is not something that the company tells you to do?

These are...

These guys.

How do you do the thing that people do?

No, but the finger?

I don't know.

But I think that's for chewing tobacco.

You got some Copenhagen.

You know how you do that, that move?

Yeah.

How do you do it?

I don't know how to do it, dude.

I'm not cool.

You do that?

Oh, I got my Lucy here.

I got my Lucy.

Lucy Goosey.

Yeah.

These guys are cool.

They didn't send us any more product this week.

We just have the...

We have a...

They sent us basically like a 15-year supply of...

They got three products, from my understanding.

They got the regular Lucy pouches.

You put them in.

They give you a little nicotine hit.

They have the breakers.

Where the fuck is the paper, Adam?

There's a cool way to do it.

I think in there.

Let me.

I'll read it.

I'll read it.

There's a cool way to say this stuff.

Or you could do this one.

No,

you do it.

Better pass pay the cost.

You say the stuff.

Mainly focus on the don't say part because that's what we got to work on.

All right, I'm not going to say.

All right.

So they got three things here.

Yeah.

They got these pouches.

Oh, it says intelligent nicotine.

Ooh.

So if you're like an Elon Musk kind of

kind of Ben Shapiro's.

This ain't your this ain't your retard nicotine.

Yeah, it's for smarties.

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Yeah, Lucy,

they got three products.

There's the pouches.

There's the breakers, which are pouches that also have a

kind of like a Camel Crush or something.

Yeah, I don't know if you should say that.

It's not like a Camel Crush.

I think you should just not say the name of that other thing at all.

Okay.

At any point.

All right, I apologize.

We can cut that.

No, we can't.

Okay, now we can't cut that.

Okay, guys, they have five different strengths from two milligrams to 12 milligrams

in cinnamon, mint, mango, wintergreen, pomegranate, apple ice, and espresso for the Italians.

Here you go.

Put one of these in there.

I already did, dude.

It's made my mouth numb.

Just put the breaker in.

No, no, it's.

Don't say this shit.

We can't edit around that.

Don't say, don't like disparage the product.

I'm not disparaging it.

I'm just saying.

Put this one in your mouth.

No, it's a pleasant.

Put that one in there.

Yeah.

I saw you.

I saw you hide it.

You know it's going to make me.

Whatever.

Look, you're going to.

Why do you do it?

Why don't you do it?

You're going to have to.

Because I spent all this time quitting vaping.

So you can start to.

You're going to have to respond to the emails from

the client.

Okay.

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I love Lucy personally.

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Desi Arnette.

For the flavor and the focus that it gives me.

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give you a lot of options, folks.

And these are flavors that you don't see on the market very often.

So it's higher quality than any other pouch I've tried.

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And my favorite flavor is

this one, yellow.

Yeah.

Is

pea.

Is the pea.

Adam loves the pea pee flavor.

Mango.

Mango.

Mango.

Mango.

Hawaiian pee-pee.

I kind of say mango where the women don't go.

Would you ever do that?

Would you ever drink a Samoan girl's pee-pee?

Like a big Samoan lady?

She peed in a cup.

Love a nice amber

piss from her.

Oh, so like dehydrated?

Yeah, but no, she's filled with candy and sugar.

Well, if I love

diabetic pee-pee from a big uh if I love her and

that's the thing that she wants, that gets her off as a kink of hers, I would discuss it.

I don't know.

Did you see the...

It would have to be within the confines of a relationship and giving my partner what they want.

Did you see the Maoris doing the Haka at Palestine?

To intimidate them?

I feel like I'm finally vindicated.

Why do they do that?

Because the fucking Hakka sucks.

But why did they do it?

They did the Hakka for Israel.

Not after October 7th, by the way.

Now.

They're doing it now.

They're doing a pro-genocide Haka.

Sorry, my Lucy is just

making me feel good.

Well, for years I've said the Hakka sucks.

Yeah.

And now I'm right.

I'm going to wait and see on the Hakka.

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Oh, I said that already.

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Oh, this one smells great.

What is it?

Mango.

Espresso.

No, it's mango.

It is?

Is that the one you have?

Did you bite it?

No, I didn't bite it yet.

Bite it.

Try the gum also.

I already did, man.

How is the gum?

Good.

Stop force-feeding me, Lucy.

Shut up.

Wait, come on, dude.

Berry citrus.

Try the gum with the pouches.

I will.

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Let me finish the read.

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Warning, this product contains nicotine.

Nicotine is addictive.

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When you did that, you looked a lot like Aaron.

Who?

Aaron.

The old man we had in our sketch?

Yes.

You know, Adam, friendship is the most important thing.

The most important thing.

The most important thing.

Aaron said that.

That's right.

Not Dave?

Aaron said it.

I like that Aaron got pissed off.

Friendship.

Like, everyone says I look like Dave and they look exactly the same.

They don't really look the same at all.

Well, one's shorter.

Dave has a more...

Dave has the most ear hair I've ever seen.

Dave has like a little woodland.

And it's brown.

Dave has like a woodland creature vibe to him.

Like what, like a doe?

He's like a little shrew or something.

He's like got a.

He's like a sprite?

No, he's like it's like you ever like like crack open a log and find a bunch of uh

like blind

like moles?

Yeah, like those kind of yeah, like some kind of yeah, he's like a woodland,

you know, like one of Sonic's friends.

Mm-hmm.

You know?

Like tails.

Not tails, but like a little who's the guy in Mario the Digs?

Marty Mole?

Oh yeah, he's cute.

Yeah, that's yeah, that's kinda.

He's in Mario Party.

You can play with him.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

He's a good guy, honestly.

what it kind of reminds me of.

Those were good days when we played Mario Party.

You got to stop saying he's a good guy.

Who?

You.

Why?

You just love it.

You say it about everybody.

You're like,

I don't say that about everybody.

He's a good guy, always.

I think it's a good assessment of character.

But you say it all the time.

Whether someone's a good guy or not.

You say it in such a revelatory way, as if, like, you know who, you know,

what?

That guy's actually a good guy.

I didn't say actually.

I said that guy's a good guy.

What?

I'm not allowed to say nice things.

No, it's just like there's things you say, but you say them.

Okay, go down the list.

What else do I say?

Pathos.

You say that a lot.

I say pathos a lot.

And it's just completely unnecessary.

It sounds nice.

Yeah.

I don't use ethos at all, but I use pathos a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What else?

Go ahead.

Narrative.

Anything, anything.

I say narrative a lot.

Narrative.

Anything film-related.

It maintains the narrative.

You say that a lot.

I'm constantly hearing how things, it maintains a narrative.

A narrative being maintained.

Yeah, to follow through on a narrative.

Alright, yeah.

Okay, go ahead.

What else?

Any of like the film editing terms.

Like what?

J-cut, L-cut?

Radio edit.

We're going to have a radio edit.

Yeah.

So we don't do all the cuts to make it look smooth and we just have the content we want.

It's cool.

It was invented by Cuba Gooding Jr.

Go ahead.

What else?

Yeah.

What else do you say?

Speaking of.

Go ahead.

What else do you say?

Speaking of radio.

What else do you say?

Speaking of radio.

Okay.

Is Lloyd Austin retarded?

Who?

Oh, the defense secretary?

Is that guy mentally disabled?

There was a guy on Fox.

I mean, I'm not in his channel.

Every time they have him on the TV, he's like, oh.

I'm like, this guy.

Yeah.

I think he might be.

Where did he come from?

Is he Navy?

No, he's an Army guy.

Army, man.

Yeah.

But I think he was like...

West Point?

No, like

the same as radio.

I think he used to hang out near the Army.

They let him score a touchdown?

Yeah, they were.

Or make-a-wish?

Yeah, right.

They let him in.

They let him be defense secretary during the Gaza War?

Yeah.

That is kind of a smart move.

We're just wheeling him out.

It's kind of the Kamala strategy.

It would be smart.

If I was president, my entire cabinet would be mentally disabled people.

Down syndrome.

Yeah.

Full cabinet.

Right.

Everyone would love them.

Yeah, right.

They deliver bad news, but they're the nicest guys.

They're good guys, I would say.

Yeah.

They'll be like, the transportation secretary made all the buses tiny.

Yeah.

You'd be like, wow, it sounds like you're an anti-Semite pal.

Uh-huh.

Sounds good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Check-in mate.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that is actually a really good plan.

Or at least if you or you do the thing that Jimmy the Chin

did and everyone in your cabinet just pretends to be enfeebled.

Well, he pretended to have like dementia or something.

Yeah.

You wear a bathrobe.

If I was press secretary

of

the White House press secretary, I would

keep

like a crunchy jiffy.

Jif peanut butter.

I would keep it in my

in the back of my underpants.

And if someone really

is that from Liar, Liar?

Yeah.

I don't remember.

Isn't it the movie Liar Liar where they tell the legal anecdote about the guy that kept it poo-poo in his?

Yeah, is it either that or was it Carlito's Way?

I think it was a mafia thing.

Was it Carlito's Way?

Where they had the Ziploc bag of shit in his ass and he starts, or like peanut butter in his ass, and he starts eating to prove insanity.

Smart.

But what movie was that?

Is that Carlito's Way?

I always associated that with a mafia movie.

Sean Penn is so good in that movie.

The wig?

Yeah.

I love it.

Can we play Steven?

He plays Steven.

Well, Steven plays him.

Yeah.

Steven plays him in I Am Sam.

That's just a joke that I made about my friend Steven.

Did we do the one about

Sean Penn?

Did we do it?

It was rude of me to do.

You guys don't know him, but if you saw him.

Did we do?

It would be pretty good.

Yeah.

We did a.

Did we ever do a thing about I Am Sam or the original title of radio being called I Be Sam?

I think you said that before.

I think I've heard you say that before.

I don't know if it was over a text or I be Sam on the previous podcast.

It was the original title of radio.

Yeah.

I do be Sam.

It's the sequel.

I done had been Sam.

I'd done been Sam.

I'd done been Sam.

Yeah.

It's pretty good.

This is Lucy is

my attention, my focus.

Your focus, good.

Maybe you need to be jamming these things in your head all the time.

Well, I just got it.

But I'm also relaxed.

That's the other thing.

I'm relaxed, but the focus level is

off the charts.

Lloyd Austin.

Even that name.

Yeah.

If it was Bandit Brothers Times, right?

If you were back in Bandit Brothers Times.

What branch of the United States movement?

Who is this guy?

That looks Navy.

That looks like a Navy uniform.

Uh I think he's in the Army.

But blue is Navy.

Yeah, but here he is in in green.

Really?

Maybe he was in the Navy.

I don't know.

I thought he was an army guy.

Yeah.

What what's what branch would you be?

If what?

If it was Band of Brothers Times.

Uh oh, in World War Two?

Yeah.

I don't know, just a guy that cleans one of the boats and doesn't do shit.

Oh, so you'd be Navy?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just a fucking deck scrubber.

Yeah.

That'd be awesome.

That'd be cool.

Yeah.

I would be um

I'd probably be uh

probably Army intelligence.

Would you?

Yeah.

And I'd make up rumors.

I'd make up rumors about the Nazis.

Lloyd James Ozzy Army four-star general.

Really?

Yeah.

Is he Desert Storm?

What are he serving?

Um

He, let's see here.

He started off tearing tickets at Regal Cinemas.

And then

he was the janitor of Wendy's.

And then

looks like he bagged groceries for a while.

Come on.

And we thank him for his service.

Oh, he had a job, man.

He served his country.

There's nothing more important you could do.

Yeah, he had a job petting service animals at the airport.

They paid him for that.

Yeah, yeah.

I didn't know that could be a job.

There is a guy that was on Fox Business who was like their

resident black conservative.

And I, it's probably racist to say it, but I do.

He looked, I confuse him and Charles, whatever that guy's name is, from like a Barkley.

It was not Charles.

Everybody knows.

Everybody knows Israel has a right to defend itself.

Anthony Davis soft,

but Israel has a right to defend itself.

I love Charles.

Should we do a book club for the show?

That'd be fun.

I want to read his biography.

It's got a really good name.

Look it up.

Shut up and read.

No, his autobiography is called.

Charles Barkley, Shut Up and Read.

Look up what the name of his autobiography is.

I saw it the other day and I was like, Nick and I should read this together and talk about it on the show.

This could really spice up our relationship, Nick.

It's like, I might be wrong, but I'm not or something

the Charles Barkley story

what is it called I'm looking up the blue army why I asked you to look it up where's my phone

just look up what it's called it's called if I did it that's the other one

Charles Barclay book autobiography

Sir Charles the Wit and Wisdom of Charles Barkley no Charles Barclay It's the autobiography.

Who's Afraid of a Large Black Man?

Really?

Yeah, he's got a bunch of books.

I thought it was Dr.

Seuss.

I may be wrong, but I doubt it.

Yeah, I may be wrong, but I doubt it.

That's a great title for an autobiography.

Outrageous.

He's got a bunch of books.

Really?

Yeah.

We should read I May Be Wrong, but I doubt it.

That'd be cool, no?

Do a little book club.

Barkley's book, I May Be Wrong, but I doubt it, isn't the most well-written literature of the time by any stretch.

Yes, okay.

I don't know, it's the Amazon review.

Imagine being that dumb that you're leaving like catty Amazon reviews about Charles Dawson.

Is that much of a fucking gossip?

Yeah.

It isn't the most well-written romp of the last.

Check his other reviews.

Yeah.

Check that what they're doing.

That was in the Google description.

They gotta find the.

Check the user, see what else he's gossiping about on Amazon.

This book was an easy read.

Although, if I cared about sports, I probably would have given it five stars.

Loser.

He does speak some truth.

Of course he does.

It's straight facts, the whole thing.

Yeah, here we go.

Okay, from Ian.

That's who wrote that.

Ian Finance, right?

Yo, I finally read a book.

Yo, I've been doing good.

I've been reading, actually.

Yeah.

Dear.

Damn.

We should start a book club.

You know, and then we can all that because look, man, I'll be honest with you, I find it really hard to keep reading.

But if we get a fucking book club.

Yeah.

Dude.

What did Ian say?

Berkeley's book, I may be wrong, but I doubt it, isn't the most well-written literature of the time by any stretch.

But it is full of common sense thoughts and language that most people can agree or disagree about without being disagreeable.

It's like being at a bar and hearing his taughts on the various subjects.

His taught.

His thoughts on the

various subjects.

What is the English language ever doing to you?

And controversies that have come up in his career and our society in the last 20 years.

Come on, Ian.

I found myself shaking my head up and down and ha a hard time putting the book down.

It is an easy, relaxing read.

Okay, what other reviews?

From Ian?

Ian from Ashburn, Virginia.

Oh.

Um, okay.

DMV, man.

This is for a tiny silver guitar.

Oh, guitar-shaped cake pan.

Okay, let's see what he says on that.

Product works well enough, but the edges are so sharp I slice my finger open getting the cake out of the motor.

This guy's a loser.

It worked pretty well, but I covered my son's birthday cake in blood.

Trying to make guitar cake.

Alright, this one's for Magic Tiles Hop 3D EDM Rush Dancing Ball Hop Music Game Forever.

What the fuck does that mean?

I don't know.

What the fuck does that mean?

Magic Tiles Hop 3D EDM Rush Dancing Ball Hop Music Game Forever.

Oh, it's like DDR.

Yeah.

It's one of those squares.

Like, you hit all the squares.

It looks like Guitar Hero from the phone or something.

Fucking Ian, you loser.

He said, everything you click is for an ad.

This game sucks.

I like the song Pre, though.

Alright, let's see here.

Alright, cool.

Nice one, Ian.

Horse Riding Simulator, Open World Horse Racing 2020.

It's a game where you pretend to ride a horse.

There's no objectives.

It's just like a flight simulator.

When I press exit in the game, instead of leaving on the the device and I try to go back into the game, it will kick me out.

Oh, wow.

Two SARS.

This guy's life sucks.

Okay, here we go.

Car Console Covers Plus made and designed for Ford Bronco Sport 2021 Neoprene.

What is it?

It's like just a cover for your...

It's a Neoprene cover.

Oh, so he has a Ford Bronco Sport?

Yeah.

Okay, he has a great product, fits very well, very easy to install.

I can barely tell it isn't OEM.

So now you kind of like it.

The sequel to Coming to America.

No way.

Great follow-up to the original.

That movie sucks.

I wasn't sure I wanted to watch it because the original was so amazing.

This didn't disappoint.

It was a great movie with many callbacks to the original.

Not a remake at all, and not quite as good as the original, but it's definitely made with the fans in mind.

Yeah.

Hayabusa kids Brazilian jiu-jitsu belt.

Oh, what the hell?

He's just buying children's belts.

Yeah.

High quality.

Holds on well and doesn't look like it will be falling apart through regular usage.

About an hour per week for the next year or so.

This guy's a freak.

He's a sick freak.

This man is a sick freak.

If you're in Ashburn, Virginia, you know this guy.

Tell him I say he's a fucking sick freak.

Here we go.

Star Wars girl Darth Vader shirt.

No, what is wrong?

No.

Okay, these items do not match up.

Yeah, great fit, durable, great design.

He's just driving around in his girl Darth Vader shirt, playing phone games in his Bronco, dude.

Wearing his Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu belt.

Thinking that the new

coming to America was pretty good and a nice one for the fans, but not as good as the original.

Oh, here we go.

Chase and Chloe, Kimmy, 21 Women's Speech Pumps.

What the fuck is this?

I don't know.

And you think maybe of a gift for his wife?

He says, no.

They look great, but can be hard on the feet after just a few hours, especially on the toe knuckles.

Oh, my God.

The plot thickens.

So he's a little bit of a drink.

He's a cross-dressing karate man wearing Darth Vader.

Wearing girl boss Darth Vader clothes with his BJJ outfit.

He's a cross-dressing little.

Because he has the Brazilian jiu-jitsu belt is for a child.

Yeah.

So he's a tiny tiny cross-dressing karate man.

And he's a huge fan of coming to America.

Who read the Charles Barkley autobiography?

Mm-hmm.

Great quality, but yo, he is little.

Great quality, but fits too large.

Great quality, but fits too large.

Returned in intending to reorder.

The women's shoes?

No, the 30-30 was far too large, reordering the 2929.

Do they even make 2929 pants?

Yeah, probably.

I know they make like 29.30.

What kind of pants are they?

They're just slacks.

Do those come lower than a 30-inch enzyme?

This guy's a real sick freak.

Yeah.

He's wearing pumps, dockers, a girl boss Star Wars shirt.

What the hell is wrong with this guy?

Yeah.

Here we go.

This is for a review for the White Donkey Terminal Lance.

What the hell is that?

I feel like I'm having a stroke because every one of these products, the words don't go together.

It's like, oh, this is Lamp Dance.

He only buys things that have

12 words in the product title.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's Christmas Buttons Ultimate Pleasure Set.

Dinosaur set.

Yeah.

Dinosaur Christmas.

Dinosaur Christmas.

Yeah, pleasure set.

The white donkey, Terminal Lance.

It's a sword?

It's I think it's a it's a book uh about the Marines.

I'm a long time fan of the comic strip Terminal Lance and a former Marine.

I expected it to be funny, but it was so real that I felt the tragedy of the main character.

I I think I know who he is.

The story in art is amazing.

The reality of the story, from boring patrols to coming home to losing a friend, also real.

I look forward to the next work by this awesome artist and author.

So

the two books he's read are something about being a Marine and the Charles Barclay autobiography.

Okay.

But I think from context clues, I know who he is.

Who?

He is the trans SEAL Team Six

person that killed Bin Laden.

and then had a sex change immediately after.

Yeah, I'm looking for any other good ones in here.

And he loves rock and roll.

He makes guitar cakes.

You got this Deadpool tank top.

And his review is

helps me to lift with maximum effort.

So he's yoke.

Yeah, it makes me strong.

He's young.

Yeah, when I wear my 29, 29 inseam pants and my pumps and my Deadpool tank top

before a night out with the girls wearing my pumps and my Darth Vader girl.

Oh my God, Ian, you make me sick.

Yeah.

All right.

Just him bleeding, finding that body, a 5'3 ⁇ , 110-pound man wearing a dress.

covered in his own blood trying to make a guitar cake

to celebrate finishing the Charles Barkley auto fire.

All right, one last one, and then we're going to say goodbye.

We're out of reviews, sure.

All right, folks, thanks for watching.

And just a final thought.

Listen, just try to be nice to your friends and family.

Just in this day and age, there's a lot of animosity.

There's a lot of people are fucking tearing each other down.

Some fucking guy, Oliver Twist, is DMing me.

It's just like, just be normal, everyone.

I feel like this world has gone mad.

So thanks for watching the show.

And thanks to Vin for

filling in for Ginsburg this week.

Everyone, give it up for our friend Vinny Arfuso.

Thank you.

Thank you.

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