The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 18

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Hello

and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast after dark.

We got a late one tonight.

We worked a long day yesterday.

I think you guys are going to like it.

Yeah, it works from, what is that, probably 4 p.m.

until 9 p.m.

Not me.

I had to come to the studio and get all the equipment.

Yeah, I had to go prep things at the location.

What time did you come to the studio?

I got here at

10:45.

Yes, I did.

Yes, I did.

Cameras.

There's cameras.

You set up cameras?

You're looking into them right now.

No, that's not true.

These aren't running.

No, you have no, you have been spying on me.

You have been spying on me.

No, I knew you've been spying on me.

Surveillance.

Oh, my God.

Fucking.

Okay.

Well, I just found out something new, new dynamic

I have can't wait to see you repeat your are you reading a book right now?

I'm not

Nick's hiding his Kindle.

I don't have a Kindle like it's a picture of his boyfriend.

I'm looking at my penis

It's nice doing it late.

It's nice doing

in class with the book and you're reading

you're reading a Nicholas Sparks book it's just math algebra too and you're just looking at your penis

I hope the teacher doesn't notice

I'm reading my penis what the hell is this thing I like we used to do it late all the time I kind of miss this it is very funny that they do health class like you because it starts in like what fifth grade and you go so you do

sixth grade

kindergarten first grade second grade third grade fourth grade yeah and then fifth grade and then they have a class where like hey that's your penis, by the way.

And then you're like, Okay, that's when I found out about my penis.

I didn't know.

I mean, the last five years this whole time, I've been like, What the fuck?

What the hell is this?

I think, yeah, I didn't know what I was supposed to do with it.

Um, yeah, yes, I am reading the Kindle because

stop reading.

Well, I, the cat threw up all over my copy of Means of Ascent,

and uh, so now you go to Dallas.

Now, I ordered another copy on Amazon.

And then,

you know, I wanted to read it now.

And I have the Kindle.

I almost never use the Kindle.

Here's when the Kindle comes out.

I'm on a plane.

I'm flying somewhere.

I pull it out.

I'm like, maybe I'll read a book.

And then the only thing on there is like a PDF of like the recipes that come with the Vitamix.

And then I'm like, or shit I've already read.

Yeah.

And I'm like, okay, green smoothie, you know, and then, you know, I try to connect to the Wi-Fi, but you can't because there's like a,

oh, tell us how cool Delta is before we let you fucking.

You don't just lie and say you're cool?

No, you know, there's like a

doesn't work on the Kindle.

Oh, it doesn't work.

So I downloaded, but also we didn't work from four.

I wouldn't be sitting here with a book.

Look, the guys, this is a blue-collar podcast.

Don't tell them.

They want to see us hard at work.

There is nobody that works harder in this world than podcast listeners.

Yes.

They're basically like the guys that, the guys that work.

These are hard hat guys.

Yeah.

Let's be clear.

The podcasters are the laziest people in the world who

anybody could do their job.

They just, you know, like.

They just didn't get the band together.

Right.

They're too lazy.

They're like handicapped people, right?

And that's why you can't be too mad at them because it's like looking at a guy in a wheelchair and being like you know hey come on why don't you why don't you go run a mile exactly yeah and um

you know so i just don't want to i don't want to ever use say we're working hard or something and insult we know who we are yeah insult the the guy at the bottom of a mine shaft

with head headphones in and an oculus that he's watching the adam friedland show yeah while he's feeling around for the canary to see if um

if uh he's gonna die If it's a girl or a boy.

He's reaching around.

That's how you know who's gonna be.

Is that where the canary in the coal mine is?

Yeah, it's a gender reveal

for the mine.

Yeah, it would be really

gay if you were in a pit of a guy.

Yeah, that would be so embarrassing.

Yeah, bad news, boys.

It's Chris Cooper.

We got another gay one.

It's going to be a hard winter in West Virginia.

No, I don't know.

I don't remember how long we worked.

but it is funny to say we worked hard yesterday, hence the late podcast today,

implying that we had to sleep from, because we did rap at nine.

We were exhausted too.

I went home and I worked out.

No, I was cleaning the kitchen.

I watched Sex on the City with my girlfriend.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I do gay shit with my girlfriend.

We've been having gay sex recently.

Yeah.

Brexit the city.

Brexit the city.

Yeah.

And it's Boris Johnson.

What about something like that?

Yeah.

And he's like,

I'm fucking old.

He's got a lot of people.

Look at my hair.

Yeah, look at my hair.

Look at my hair.

We're leaving Europe.

I've invented a new type of haircut.

In many ways, Sex of the City is a lot like Brexit because it's getting out of a toxic relationship.

I would kind of like to delete the last five minutes of this and restart this episode because we should try to...

We've been having a lot of trouble on YouTube.

With cussing.

Yeah, because it's, like I said, the podcast listeners,

hardest working folks in the world.

This is a free episode, but I understand, like,

you know, we're wasting your time.

So, and we, like, you know, we're

have to watch.

Yeah, well, yeah, you know, you're forced to.

So

I feel reluctant to say if you enjoy the show, please go to patreon.com/slash T-A-F-S and support it.

But don't do it with that face.

I'm about to laugh face.

If you enjoy the show, yes.

But you're going to figure out why when we release our next episode.

There's a lot of money that we're spending on this.

Ideally, well, we didn't spend any money yesterday.

Yeah, there's a high concept, high production.

Don't tell them that we're in a case of beer.

Don't tell them that we didn't spend money yesterday.

Tell them we spent $30,000 yesterday.

Right.

And I had to park the car in a garage.

All the money goes to the house.

$100,000 to $10.

All the money goes to hiring lawyers to fight the Social Security administration because

uh

these old people yeah because

i don't know every day i get a new letter that's get they get scarier and scarier really uh they're gonna send you to gitmo no i think it's resolved now oh nice the thing is if you have resolved if you have a business no this is a separate issue if you have a business like there's these agencies that'll be like hey uh here's a fifty thousand dollar fine yeah and you're like for what and it's like all this shit and then you send it to the cpa or the bookkeeper and they're like, oh yeah, they just this would Charles said, he's like, yeah, they just do this.

They'll just uh like I got dinged for

um

unemployment insurance for myself for my own just an LLC that I've had for years is just a catch-all for, you know, when I do stand-up.

No employees or anything.

But they're like, oh, well, you didn't have unemployment insurance.

It's like in case I fire myself.

You fire yourself?

Yeah, what the fuck are you talking about?

But they'll just like say, oh, yep, oh no, you fucked that up you could get hurt doing crowd work yeah right yeah exactly you have to pay workers comp to yourself anyways um

but uh yeah that i think is resolved good

uh but anyway i don't really care this stuff like three weeks ago is really

it would buy like a little princess in the peace situation now that the specials out of the way that's done that's recorded yeah you're a cool customer now yeah and now it's really it's just doing the thing i don't care if it sucks we'll get stealable see what happens even if the footage gets all lost I don't fucking care yeah I did the thing well I got the film crew to film my feature set

and maybe there will be a full Adam Friedland special shot in the same style as your special that's going to be released one day before your special and it's going to be called Adam Friedland Full Special

Well,

anyone who does this after me is gay.

The double crosser,

I got some bad news for you.

Well, it happened.

This week I recorded a duet with Katie Lang.

You know, I'm the biggest fan.

Checkmate.

You know, I'm the biggest fan.

Checkmate.

She looks so much like Elon Musk.

To my penis.

Back to my penis.

And she looks like.

Anyway, no, I do look at it.

Wayne Newton.

In saying all that, in wanting to redo the beginning of the episode, is we need to, I guess we, like, because the YouTube account, we just use the old YouTube account.

And in my 20s, look,

I was a crazy guy, you know, and so

I didn't really understand YouTube.

And I was like, oh, I guess I should get into YouTube.

Maybe I'll make a video

violating all of every single one of the community guidelines.

And then check all the wrong boxes when you do the monetization thing.

So all of our shit has to go through this process

of approvals, and it delays us releasing episodes

for weeks on end.

I mean, they refuse to, if we yeah, and Hassan doesn't want to give us his man on the inside at YouTube.

So if Hassan posts anything, say, Adam and Nick need you to connect.

Please flood his

go on Twitch.

He definitely has a guy at YouTube that is like, yes, right this way, sir.

Well, I'd like to do.

We need to meet this guy so we don't have to get our fucking talk show episodes that we're talking about.

Starting now.

Sorry,

freaking

no cussing.

So this is now a Midwestern

Christian podcast.

Yes, okay.

I'm still going to bleep.

Oh, you're going to bleep?

Oh, yeah, but I said all that stuff about my penis and the canaries and gender.

Look, I don't really.

What do you talk about?

I mean, what is there to talk about other than your penis, canaries, gender reveals?

I have no idea.

And it doesn't, it's not like it gets better.

That Mitch McConnell video, I watched it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like people are like, oh, something's seriously wrong.

It's like, I do that all the time.

I do it all the time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's me.

Every time I go to Starbucks.

Well, I found out I found it.

And they're like, do you want a grande or a Venti?

My entire life, those sizes, they've been explaining to me.

And

I'll just freeze.

Because you're nervous?

Because I don't know what they're talking about.

Because you crap your pants?

Well,

I try to answer the question, and then I'm like, what am I, where am I?

Do you touch your temples and go

like Professor X?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Oh,

not to excuse Mitch McConnell.

I don't.

No.

I don't understand.

What is that?

Why he's like, he's like, you can't stop me.

I'm standing in Congress no matter what.

You know, it's like, wouldn't you want to.

You're 81 years old.

Yeah, go to go to fucking

Key West or something.

You don't have to like stop living your life.

Just stop being in Congress.

Get into you.

He probably has a bunch of money.

They all make money on the side.

I think his wife is a real battle actress.

The Chinese lady.

You can't say that.

It's custom.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Oh, speaking of which.

His wife is a real samurai sword.

So she makes all the money.

But we do have to take a break real quick and discuss a new sponsor sponsor that we have.

I'm very excited about this.

We're trying to move away from the begging.

Look at those two vapes this week.

Please.

We have a new sponsor this week.

Don't and we just.

Cut that.

Cut that.

We're going to put the vapes down for the sponsor and not talk about vaping.

I'm not even saying the word.

So starting now.

Okay, but hold on.

Please read the do not say list on page two before recording.

Okay.

This is like one of those fucking in school.

You're setting us up.

In school where it's like, read all the instructions before you finish.

Add two to five.

And then you get to the last one.

It's like, only do step one.

And there's one dickhead who already has done this workshop.

That's a lazy.

Like the teacher is like, I'm going to be, I'm doing nothing today.

Yeah, I'm going to.

I'm going to prank you.

Yeah.

We're watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and we're doing the fucking last item on the instruction sheet.

Today's episode is brought to you by Fume.

Note, Foom is pronounced Fume.

Okay.

Okay.

This is Fume.

Please note, Fume is pronounced Fume.

That is F-U with an umlaut.

Umlaut.

And M.

So it's sort of a German or

German-style company.

Show them the box, Adam.

This is the box.

We got the box here.

And we're going to have to figure out a way to...

Oh, God.

Okay.

Okay, so we got to be real careful with this do not say.

We had a call about the do not say.

Yes.

So what this is, look.

Cold turkey may be great on sandwiches, but there's a better way to break your bad habits.

And we're not talking about some weird mind mind voodoo from your crazy neighbor or use your own sarcastic example.

You have a crazy neighbor?

Like Kramer style?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they just come in my apartment.

Yeah.

We're not talking about some weird mind voodoo from your crazy neighbor or use your own sarcastic example.

So I guess here's

be sarcastic.

Hey, bitch.

Yeah.

Oh, that seems like a great way to break a bad habit is

smashing your own ankles with a fucking hammer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

That's sarcastic.

We're talking about our sponsor, Foom, pronounced Foom.

Foom.

And they look at the problem in a different way.

It's so funny the way they have this, the way they pronounce, they, because Foom, everybody knows what an umlaut is and how to fucking pronounce it.

It's a long U.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then, but they say pronounced,

it's pronounced

m e

which that that would be if you saw f you m e you'd be what is that foom eh and then you would say pronounced f um lout m the name already is has the pronunciation

yeah exactly yeah but you're a smart guy a lot of people don't know

well whether you're a smart guy or you're an imbecile Fume is right for you because we're talking about our sponsor, Fume, and they look at the problem in a different way.

Not everything in a bad habit is wrong.

So instead of drastic, uncomfortable change, why not just remove the bad from your habit?

Now, Foom is an innovative, award-nominated device that does just that.

Now, this is different because there's a bunch of words we can't say.

I think the back of the box kind of tells a story

that we can share.

Yeah, it's the world's first diffusive device.

There's no way that we can't read the back of the box.

No.

So this is a diffusive device.

Yes.

Right.

And that's different than anything you might be familiar with unless you're already familiar with Fume.

It's set out to create better habits.

So this is a habit reinforcement device.

It's got a little box there.

It reinforces the habit, but

it takes out the bad.

It takes out the bad part.

So instead of electronics, Foom is completely natural.

So there's no electronics in this thing.

If you can see it here, it looks like a little pepper mill.

Sounds like it, too.

Oh.

Yeah.

Do you make your pepperdell?

Do you want extra?

We didn't finish making your pepperdell.

Michelin star restaurant, right?

Do you want, I hate that, an Italian restaurant?

They're like, oh, it's not done.

It's a showbodie.

Well, it's like, put it on in the fucking back.

I hate that, but I like when they make it.

How does it not finish?

I like when they make the guacamole at the table.

That's not Italian.

I know, it's Mexican.

You know what else is in Italian?

Bad habits.

Bad habits.

Fume.

Yes.

Fume is completely natural.

Instead of vapor, there's no vapor in this.

It comes from plants.

Well, it uses flavored air.

Okay.

And I don't know if...

Let's crack one.

Yeah, it uses all natural, delicious flavors.

Now, they explained to me what is in here, and it's, I don't know if it says 100% pure plants.

Okay, Nick, that's empty.

So you gotta, there's this.

So these are the cool.

I feel like James Bond.

Oh,

this is awesome.

Do you mind if I put this in your pussy real quick?

Come on, dude.

We're not cussing on that.

That's what James Bond would say.

Ah, yes.

Can I?

No, her name is Pussy.

He doesn't ask her to put things in her pussy.

Mrs.

Anelschecks.

Do you mind if I.

Ah.

It's the villain Jashishtin.

Okay.

Fuck me in my ash.

Nick, I'm going to read a flavor so you tell me what.

Mr.

Sh fuck me in my ash.

You were the one that said you can't do pressing and stuff.

We already blew it.

Anyways, let's.

Okay, so sparkling grapefruit, orange vanilla.

I want the grapefruit.

I want the grapefruit.

Okay.

So this is like a seltzer.

This is like a pumpler mousse seltzer.

Yes.

So I'm going to open the core pouch.

Now it says on the back

you replace your core every two to three days.

So it has a chart where it says you get full flavor.

Anyway, this is the most important part, right?

So it's not vapor, right?

This is not...

And we're not allowed to say...

Multiple cores.

Look, you're not an idiot.

You know what this is for.

And it doesn't have...

It's just fucking like oils.

Here's the core.

I have a couple more cores left.

So it zips back up in like a Ziploc pouch kind of thing.

I kind of just like smelling it.

How's it smell?

I don't know, but I think I might use it like this.

Fabulous.

Yeah.

I'm getting a little on my fingers.

It's nice to see you again, Mr.

Bond.

Yeah.

Which one is that?

Now I'm the bad guy.

The bad guy.

Would you like some pepper on your papardell?

Okay, so let's crack that.

Let's try it.

Hold on.

I think I'm doing this wrong here.

There we go.

Oh, that's cool.

You got us.

Come on, man.

I forgot.

Oh, so when you rotate it, look, it's got a little,

it's got like a little James Bond camera.

Oh, it's mechanical.

Well, yeah, it's mechanical.

There's no, there's no electronics in there.

There's no electronics, you don't have to charge it.

How's the air taste?

It tastes like the flavor.

Can I try?

I guess it's like a do you when you inhale something, do you inhale it directly or do you pull it in your mouth and then like breathe in out?

I do like a little cloud and then a suck, like a wrapper.

Yeah, so this is, I guess, maybe you choke it down.

Yeah, you gotta choke it down.

And then...

What do you mean, choke it down?

Like the hole.

You gotta make the hole smaller so you get more like pull on it.

You know what I mean?

Oh, I taste the air.

Yeah, you taste the air.

It's just flavored air.

Yep.

And yeah, so it doesn't heat up.

There's no chemicals.

All natural, delicious flavors.

Let's get the other one going.

What do you want?

I don't know.

Let's sparkling grapefruit.

Let's do something that's new

pepper and move away from fruits.

I knew a girl named Maple Pepper.

No, you did.

You get it.

Instead of bad.

And let's also not drop the product on the floor, I guess.

It rolled off the table.

Yeah, I know, but look what you've done here.

I'm sorry.

Look what you've done.

Let's try maple pepper.

You know that this is the kind of shit that gets us in trouble.

Is you do stuff like this, and then they're like, oh, he's dropping it all over the floor.

You know, in uh just saying it's a it's for a Papa Dell,

you know.

There's a song.

Oh, look, Kiri, I'm an idiot.

Your foom comes with an adjustable airflow dial and is designed with movable parts.

So that's exactly how it works.

So that's what you're supposed to do.

Give it to me.

Give it to me.

Give it to me.

I just, I like the flavor.

Give it to me.

God damn.

what just

like just give it to me but they're the the the advertiser is gonna see this and let's not anyway argue they won't all right fine whatever anyways yeah so that's what that is it's an adjustable airflow dial because i had it wide open i thought you had it wide open and that's like you can't like uh yeah You can't, unless you're like somebody that's like, yeah, bring it right into the

thatch mode.

Like a cigar type guy.

Oh, yeah.

Like a.

Yeah, Yeah, that one's a lot better.

It tastes like Christmas.

You know.

Or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa.

Or Kwanzaa.

It tastes like any one of the hottest.

That's the Christian content we need.

Yeah, right, exactly.

So, this maple pepper, it reminds me of a song.

Yeah.

Maple pepper, maple pepper.

Your foot comes with an adjustable airflow dial and

movable parts and magnets for fidgeting, giving your fingers a lot to do.

Which is helpful for de-shung

and anxiety while breaking your habits.

So it's also designed for fidgeting.

I guess there's like a tactile thing.

It's akin to a fidget spinner.

Which, if you're one of those types of guys, tactile guys, seems great for you.

Me too.

Maybe

I'm air raid sirens.

So the tactile thing I don't need, but I do have an oral kind of fixation.

So they got all that.

Me too, brother.

They got the different types of fixations

covered.

Yeah, sure.

Oh, sorry.

So anyway, stopping is something we all put off because it's hard, but switching to Foom is easy, enjoyable, and even fun.

Foom has served over 100,000 customers and has thousands of success stories, and there's no reason that can't be you.

Join Foom in accelerating humanity's breakup from destructive habits by picking up the journey pack, which I guess this is the one we have here that Adam so rudely threw all over the floor.

Is there more in this box?

Oh, there's a picture.

You're part of the family now.

Oh.

This is weird.

Look at this.

So for an orphan.

This guy on the right looks exactly like Bobby.

What is this?

And it comes with this picture of

exactly the guy you'd expect to be in the box of a product released in 2023.

Mr.

Startup.

We get a picture of Mr.

Mr.

Startup.

Stupid advertisement.

This could be.

Look, guys, we got a QR.

We got a QR box.

If you're watching on YouTube,

hopefully on a television,

take your phone and QR that.

You got a cleaning kit, which is just a pipe cleaner and a

micro, it looks like a little microfiber cloth.

This is great.

That's great stuff, guys.

I guess you got to clean it because you probably drool into the thing at some point.

Yeah.

Like a trumpet.

Like a spit valve on a trumpet.

That's a very disgusting element of the brass section.

Yeah, wind and stream.

Yeah, yeah.

Because they have to release their saliva.

Yeah.

I mean, if that were me, I'd be like, okay, well, do I still have to wear a fucking tuxedo to these shows?

Yeah.

If I'm going to be just spitting

all over the floor.

Also, you have to wet your reed, right, before you play.

Man, man, man.

Yeah, you have to do a little bit of that.

Yeah, anyways, okay, so here we go.

Join Foom in accelerating humanity's breakup with destructive habits by picking up the Journey Pack Today.

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That's tryfoom.com.

You use TAFS to save an additional 10% off your order today.

And I tell you, I'm going to stick with this for, I'm going to try it because I don't think I'm doing enough.

to reverse the damage

done to myself

by just taking saunas and eating beets once a week.

So we'll try this.

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You know, I don't know what my aspirations in life are, but I've said it multiple times.

The only person I would even consider a hero is Mario Lopez.

Yeah.

Both of us.

That's both of us.

That guy nailed it.

Yeah.

Incredible life.

Yeah.

Great body.

He played bully on a TV show for five years.

Well, he wasn't the bully.

He was the cool guy.

Yeah, I'd say that's kind of a jock and a cool guy.

That's bully.

Why?

Because he got pussy and screeched in.

I think you're letting us in on a little bit of aspect of uh what's up there oh really yeah because he was so handsome and no he wasn't bullying screech he was still friends with screech even though he was a jock

all right

anyways you go to a hotel turn on the tv who do you see mario lopez What's he doing?

You go on a cash.

Guys, I could not be more excited about the Super Mario Brothers movie.

That's his whole life.

He's just doing reasoning.

That's his name.

Huh?

It's also his name.

All right, stop messing with that thing.

I love it.

Okay, we're done.

And we'll get a clean break from that

and get back into the show.

There you go.

They should have sent us two.

I know.

So I could have mine.

Yeah.

Put a little electrical tape on it.

Say on the microphone.

That would make it cool.

Yeah, with your duct tape wallet and your fucking Jack Skellington.

Let's see a picture of that guy again.

Can I see him?

No, no, let's leave it.

Just leave it alone.

That guy is cool.

I know.

This is a cool guy.

This is the kind of guy I want to be.

He's from Canada.

Track your journey.

30-day plan.

Cool guy.

Yeah.

I'm sure he listens.

I'm sure they will be listening.

They're going to love this.

I was going to throw it on the ground.

Truth is out there, Scully.

Yeah.

Well, what were we saying?

Yeah, Mitch McConnell.

We're talking about Mitch McConnell.

Oh, so also.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure he's rich.

This is what I'm saying.

Go ahead.

You're 81 years old.

Get the fuck out of politics and just be a race car driver.

All of the race car drivers should be...

Fucking 81 years old.

They weigh less.

Their bones are nothing.

Yeah.

You know?

Like they fucking.

Is it like that with race car drivers?

Where it's like jockey rules where they want a little guy

who wants like a littler guy.

Let's put you put the edge that they're going to be.

You take, and I know nothing about the sport.

You take two F1 drivers.

One of them is 5'3 and 98 pounds.

The other one, 5'3 and 475 pounds.

I guarantee you the lighter guy's winning.

Really?

Yeah.

Can you imagine how funny that would look?

Just

jammed into

just an open-wheel car spilling out of the sides.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know.

Like,

I saw the Mitch McConnell thing, and I know that I have been having some lapses,

cerebral lapses.

And in public, no less.

But you had a gas leak in your apartment.

I just found out I had a gas leak.

Yeah.

Yeah.

People thought I was a smack man.

I was smacking.

I was on the horse.

That is very funny to accidentally Auschwitz yourself.

Well, it was an accident.

It's a neglectful landlord

who I appreciated not raising the rent that much this year.

But yeah, I found out that so now I'm going to be myself again.

Now that I found out I had a gas leak and I got a new oven and stove.

Famously,

I could be a genius.

Wide awake Adam.

No, now look at me right now.

The Adam we all remember.

Look at me right now.

Wide awake Adam.

Yeah.

Maybe I've had a gas leak for years.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Everyone's like, oh, this guy needs some.

It really broke my heart this week.

What was that?

I was eating hot fire Cheetos.

Okay.

And I thought, I'm going to crush these motherfuckers up and fucking mix it into the dust from craft macaroni and cheese and make craft macaroni and cheese with tuna fish and hot fire Cheetos.

Like you are divorced and cooking for your kids

your weekend.

Yeah, because you're divorced.

I saw this on TikTok.

You're divorced and somehow in jail.

I got this at the kids.

Your kids are having the weekend in jail.

You have visitation in jail.

No, but I thought about it.

I'm like, oh man, that would be amazing.

Yes.

And then I went to this store.

Already exists

as a flavor that is a already a product hot fire cheetos craft mac and cheese not with tuna yeah but you put tuna and mac and cheese anyways no matter what

frozen peas

frozen peas no i never have no for vegetables yeah but what do you mean for vegetables Yeah, you're having crap.

You put a little frozen peas for green.

No, I don't play those games.

A divorced cat dad having visitation while he's incarcerated is so funny.

Yeah.

That is great.

That's a sketch, dude.

We have to write that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, did we?

Yeah.

What do you mean by we?

Awesome for the show.

What do you mean?

I'll run it.

In your office?

We have the same office.

No, your home office.

Your home office is very funny.

That is, it's very funny.

i like to keep something private very it's very cute that you were like why i need to get an apartment with a home office

i didn't do it for the home office i like the apartment but i do have a chance to set up a home office i need to use it every every 12 months when i do chappo filled with sneakers as people have seen so i've gotten rid of a lot of sneakers okay Every comedian, when he first makes money from anything,

buys a lot of baby stuff.

The cheapest laser printer you can find and it's never been used.

It's a brother and I use it constantly.

I use it a lot.

It's printing out insurance cards for your car.

No, they send those in the mail actually Geico.

All right.

Yeah.

I would recommend going paperless.

Okay.

Well, I have the app and I can show the police.

But

yes, it is the garbage room of the apartment.

We like to keep everything else tidy.

And then when we don't have a use for something, it goes into that room.

Yeah.

And I do have a poster that Nick so kindly gifted me that I proudly display in that office that says it's cool to be Jewish.

But somebody sent that to me.

Well, the Indian gave it to me.

Indian.

What was it?

Indigenous first person.

What happened to that thing I got you that was like the mansion with the helicopter and the Lamborghini and stuff?

You didn't get me that.

Oh, I found it on the street and I brought it in your apartment.

Oh, that thing?

Yeah.

I think it was lost in the last move.

It smelled like pee.

What happened to the Kangle hat I got you?

It's in my apartment.

All right.

The red Kangle?

Yeah.

I'll wear it on the next show.

I promise.

You make this, you, you make this whole.

I got you presents.

But you make this whole to-do.

Anytime you get a gift for somebody, you have to give this speech about how I was never given a gift my entire life.

It's true.

I had to learn gifts.

And now

it's so annoying

having someone help me this well.

But that's not the other bad thing I do.

Well, my

speech about this.

Having to learn gifts as an adult.

But you put all this weight into

the effort you put into gifts and how much you

and gift giving or whatever.

So, yes, you got me the...

the Dutch oven.

It's a great gift.

Which I use regularly.

I use it as a slow cooker, actually.

Yeah.

Okay.

Very useful.

I make fajita chicken.

I put seven pounds of chicken in it, right?

With just some spices.

Just let that bad boy cook for six hours.

You open the pots, all falls apart.

Perfect.

You're welcome.

That's chicken for

at least a day.

You have seven pounds of chicken.

Yeah.

I thought you were on a diet.

Yeah, well, I mean, if you only eat chicken, that's.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

You don't have like anything else?

Water?

No, just a hot fire Cheetos, mac and cheese, and the chicken.

Anyways.

No, I was saying the one gift you gave me that was actually hardfelt and not just a thing at Target that you saw and brought to my apartment.

This is about to be a backhanded compliment.

Let's hear it.

It's not a backhanded compliment, but you gave me the original.

Because that's a really nice thing.

It makes me feel good.

You gave me the original

Kim Jong-un horseback.

That was for you.

And then you took it back.

Sammy has it in Connecticut.

Yeah, right.

You scanned it.

So Sammy has it.

No, no, no.

So, yeah.

That painting itself is a very special place in my heart because you and

Stavros, when I started painting,

were a little bit maybe not so supportive of my visual art.

That is insane.

And then, that is an insane painting.

And the first thing I said to you is like your

talent for likeness, which is something that is very hard for people people to develop.

Not mimicry, but likeness.

Yes.

It's not like you're doing caricatures or whatever.

But likeness is, I mean, it's

that's

hard.

I don't want to bring it down to.

That's hard.

There's all these other aspects of

stuff that other people, you can learn.

But likeness is hard.

I can't do hands.

You could learn that.

Hands are hard.

You could learn that.

But I feel like there's certain to capture

what the essence of something is in the features.

What I was about to say

is that

maybe I thought that my boys thought it was

a little bit

whatever.

Maybe I thought my boys

thought it was a little gay

the paintings, but I was like with my family, we were going through a tough time at the, you know, that was what I was doing every day.

I would be surprised.

That was the last painting.

I wouldn't

That was the last painting.

It's one of the coal miners that listens to this show and has a catalog of everything we've ever said can check.

I doubt we ever criticized the painting.

I think on this YouTube channel, I think you could probably find it because we were doing the video.

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

That was the last one I saw.

I'll be in Boston at the Wilbur Theater.

September, please come out.

Oh, I think I'm going to be in Seattle too.

But more importantly, Boston, September 14th and 15th at the Wilbur Theater.

Please come out to those shows.

Okay.

So that was the last one I did.

I was spending my time.

My mom was sick.

I was spending my time doing that.

That was the last one I did.

And then you said,

you commented when I posted on Instagram and you said, fantastic.

And it made me very happy.

I was always supportive.

I think that was the best one I did.

And we need to.

get it back to you because that i i feel i feel quite bad no because i said something now to give it back.

No, no, you gave.

No, you've done art yourself.

I hope Sammy's enjoying it.

I hope it's

no, he doesn't have it.

He had it so he could scan it for the shirt.

It's beautiful sitting on the bed with the scanner covered covered in dust.

It's in New Haven, Connecticut.

I just need to get it back.

Yeah, great place for it to be.

Why?

Because the Italian?

I don't know.

I don't know anything about New Haven.

It's got a lot of Italians.

Does it?

Hey, they have

Abits.

Hey, New Haven.

Welcome to New Haven.

Yeah.

Old school New Haven.

Old school New Haven.

What was I going to say?

I'm glad I got to the bottom of this gas leak thing because I have been feeling particularly stupid recently.

And I think that maybe there was just something that was making me stupid.

Yeah.

I think a little bit of natural gas might be good for you, actually.

Really?

Well, it's natural gas.

Yeah.

So it probably was in the...

That's methane.

Oh.

Do we have to get Neil deGrasse Tyson in here?

I don't want to talk to him ever again.

Yeah.

He's...

He's funny.

He's an asshole.

He's not an asshole.

He's just thoroughly like a type of nerd that...

He's a mean nerd.

If you're a nerd, be nice.

No.

And I don't mean to say he's an asshole.

He's the finest man I've ever met.

No.

No, if you're a nerd, be nice.

He has that vibe of, you know, in The Simpsons when Marge's like, oh, Homer, there's that bird you like to argue with.

That's like, oh, well, if he isn't Mr.

Know-It-All.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's.

But everyone loves that.

It's the worst kind of person you could be.

You learn in school, you don't want to be that guy.

But somehow he's found a lane where he's celebrated for it.

I don't know.

I think it's like...

Chris Cuomo engaging with him is like, it's like the same look I got I got you know like a cat you see a cat.

Yes.

And most of the time you want to pet it but sometimes you want to pet it backwards.

You know what I mean?

Sometimes you're like, that's just let's give him a little hard time.

That's that the first time we chilled, that's what you did.

Yeah, let's get my old cat.

Let's just let's give him

a little riled up.

Nick was drinking Carlo Rossi out of a jug.

You pet and he was abusing my cat.

You pet him normal, maybe 10, 15.

And he was saying, I thought you were a fag when I first met you, but you're actually not a bad guy.

Yeah,

you pet the cat normal, right?

10, 15 times, then you give it one just backwards.

Abusing an ant.

No.

And then the cat goes, what the hell?

What?

What the hell was that?

And then you go back to normal.

And then the cat's like, okay, I guess it was a mistake.

Let me give them just one more.

Or you just, you pet them and then you let your hand linger near the tail area for a second.

Yeah.

And they're like, oh, god damn it.

They're like,

you're going to pet me again

or else, pal.

You know what it's like?

It's like being at the top of a roller coaster and then they freeze it for that like five seconds.

It's like maybe they're not going to drop it.

I mean, that's how you really unlock a cat's personality.

You got to, they like having a hard time.

They like getting a little bit of a hard time.

Well, yeah, because they're going to eat you after you die in your apartment.

Yeah, probably.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyways, that's what Neil deGrasse Tyson is to me.

It's like a cat that you can pet backwards.

No, I just think he's like a guy that went to college 40 years ago.

Yeah.

Everyone thinks is the smartest man in the world.

No, I yeah, he came in here.

And I shouldn't disparage anyone.

He has a big cat vibe.

He's like a big cat.

He's just

Panther.

He's like Heathcliff.

He came in here.

You might as well have a big table.

He's like Hobbes.

Knocking shit over.

Yeah, yeah.

Is this coffee?

Knocking.

He's a big, he's taller than the water.

Sonorous, too.

Do we have another thing we have to talk about?

Yeah, but we got another five minutes until we have talked about it.

Okay.

All right.

Motherfucker.

All right.

Well, well, keep it.

I'll back off.

You have a problem, motherfucker?

No, I don't have a problem.

I'm the world's toughest guy with the world's smallest mouth.

You have a problem, fucker?

No?

Okay.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, this late night shit.

I kind of like it.

It's easier to podcast, I guess.

Yeah, because it's bullshit.

You just say bullshit.

Yeah, I know.

I'm having a beer.

When we do it in the morning, it's like, oh, time for work.

Yeah.

Ride the train in.

Nighttime, gas leak is still affecting me.

Yeah.

When we started the old podcast, I feel like I have a new lease on life with this gas leak.

We used to do the old podcast night.

Remember that?

7 p.m.

So fun.

7 p.m.

Simpsons time.

You know what we were talking about before the podcast?

Pussy.

Just two guys

at 8:30 p.m.

talking about pussy talking about pussy that's just what guys do mm-hmm you know the guys don't the guys don't

stay tuned don't stop saying stuff like that dude don't stay tuned don't stay tuned don't stay tuned yeah

um did they ever say that on looney tunes stay tuned yeah ah fuck

i wish i had thought of that fucking in 1939.

i wish i thought of looney tune if i come up with looney tune you know when you hear like a Seinfeld bit and you're like, this is perfect.

Why didn't I think of this?

That's what I think about Tex Avery

and,

you know, cartoons.

And Foghorn Leghorn.

Oh, my God.

A southern chicken?

Yeah.

That was right in front of me this whole time.

An LBJ style rooster.

Yeah.

About a big,

kind of like a knocking things over kind of guy.

Yeah.

Maybe, maybe Royds.

Yeah.

Maybe he's factory Farm.

He's not jacked.

He just looks like a he is kind of jacked.

You don't think so?

He's kind of one of those like doesn't do leg day kind of guys.

Here we go.

He's like all he's all chest and shoulders.

Yo, here we go.

Adam talking about cartoon characters doesn't know anything about as if he knows them and likes them.

Come on, dude.

Here we go again.

One more.

I know about cartoons, dude.

You know.

You're not the only guy who's...

Oh, he's fat.

Yeah, he's a big fat rooster.

He's a fat guy.

Yeah.

No, I thought he was jacked.

No.

I thought he was like a...

He's kind of a feminine, also.

He's kind of has a.

Like

a woman's body.

Yeah.

He's kind of like a bitch.

He's like Donald Trump.

He's like a bowling bitch.

He's all ass and thought.

Yeah.

He's sort of a Donald Trump style rooster.

Do people eat roosters or bulls?

We should be.

Why do we only eat the girls?

Um, I don't know, because the meat's probably more tender.

Why?

I don't know, it doesn't seem fair.

We let like the guys fuck all the girls and then we eat them.

Bull meat.

Let me Google that real quick with safe search or rooster.

I love After Dark.

Yeah.

Yeah, do people eat bull meat?

Bull meat versus cow meat.

The three main differences explain.

Published by Timothy Woods.

Because I'm a fan of the carnivore lifestyle, I often get asked about the differences between various types of beat.

No, you don't.

People are like, oh, I better ask my carnivoral carnivore lifestyle friend.

Yeah, but it gives his life meaning.

That he thinks it's his thing that everyone respects.

Growing up, my name was Timothy, and that was rough.

Now I eat nothing but fucking bull meat.

It was rough to be named Timothy?

Yeah.

Oh, here comes Timothy.

Hey, Timothy.

Hey, Timothy.

I accidentally brought salad to school in third grade because I thought it would make me look like an adult, but everyone called me gay.

Oh, here comes old Timothy.

Yeah, here comes Salad Boy Timothy.

Bull meat and Calvert Day's texture with bull meat having a gamier flavor and tougher texture due to higher muscle content.

Bull meat is leaner than cow meat, making it potentially healthier but harder to cook without drying out.

And store-bought beef usually comes from cows or steers, not bulls, due to bulls' stronger flavor.

Ox springer, a cow close to giving birth, feeder.

An animal being fattened for slaughter at a young age.

Dogies, motherless calves.

Anyways, it's okay.

So I would assume.

I'm not a smart guy.

Today's episode is also brought to you by my bookie.

We're going to get back to this because I have some, I'm confused.

Mybookie.ag, Adam.

Take it away.

Okay, mybookie.ag.

You could do a lot of stuff.

You could bet on

guys.

And you're less than two weeks away

to let the

What a bad thing.

What a fucking awesome song.

It's the sickest song of all time.

I want to walk down the aisle to it.

Yeah.

At my wedding.

That's the kind of music Spit Valves are made for.

Yes.

They just take them off.

They're just blowing.

It's just fucking

just tobacco spit coming out of the saxophones on that one.

Guys, we have the U.S.

Open going on right now.

We have football season less than a week and a half away.

We got baseball season in full swing.

We got a lot of shit.

You can go to mybookie.com for the sports book for live betting.

They adjust the odds.

In the middle of a game, let's say you threw down some money on a smart money play.

You realized in the middle of the first quarter, you're a fucking idiot.

You know, you confuse them because all of those people are the same to you.

I'm talking about athletes.

Okay.

Is that in the copy?

I don't have the copy.

Oh, okay.

Sorry.

Do we have copy?

No.

Okay.

So

what you can do is they adjust the odds in the middle of the game.

Did you have bad acne at some point?

Yes.

I told you I was on Accutane.

Why?

I don't know.

I've just never noticed your.

I have scars from acne.

I had no idea.

This scar is not from an acne.

It's from something.

It's a scar.

But I, yes, I have cystic.

I had cystic acne.

I was on Accutane.

Yeah, you look like Seal.

Not that bad.

You know who else was on Accutane, Nick?

Is the light in here different?

No.

You know who else was on Accutane?

Who?

Dylan Klebold.

Okay.

And I didn't shoot up my school.

Okay.

Fellow Doom fan.

So just say thanks, Adam, for not being a terrorist.

Yeah.

Okay.

You can bet on games.

They have live betting where they adjust the odds in the middle of the game.

So let's say you threw down money on bad bet.

You can make it up.

I don't know if we're allowed to announce this.

Live betting hosted by Hassan Piker.

Hassan Piker at mybookie.ag.

What does AG stand for?

Stands for Hassan Piker.

Hassan Piker.

In the Turkish letters.

But guess what?

They don't.

It's not only sports.

They have a casino.

They have casino games.

Games like April Fury and the Chamber of Scarabs.

And I know what you're thinking.

Casino, the 1995 Martin Scorsese movie?

No.

No.

It's actually

online

hosted by Hassan Piker.

Yes.

Yes.

And then they have a live casino where you can get a sexy chick.

It can be fun as a jive casino.

Uh-huh.

Where it's like a kind of a 1970s Harlem style.

MGM.

Across 110th Street.

Okay, yeah.

Live casino.

So you could have a real person

dealing your cards.

I don't know if you're allowed to talk back to them, but maybe if it's a sexy girl, maybe if you're winning, maybe the dealer will love you.

Also, they have you could bet on racing.

So they have casino games, live betting, sports book, and racing.

Guys, go to mybookie.ag, put in promo code deaths,

and you will get some sort of bonus with your initial deposit.

And it is a favorable bonus, guys.

It's free money.

It's free fucking money.

Okay, so they'll match your deposit up to $1 million.

A million dollars.

Where's the million?

One million.

Yeah.

Do it.

Do it again one million dollars

one million one million dollars one million I recently re-watched the first one

I maybe it was just nostalgia but I was I kind of forced myself to like it you know what happened

blazing saddles I watched halfway through I'm like I'm force laughing right now yeah yeah no I didn't force laugh my way through Austin Powers I was just like it's 1998 I remember that

I'm not gay.

I'm not gay.

I'm not gay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My life is good.

My parents are married.

My parents are married.

I'm not.

It's 1998.

Britney Spears.

Britney Spears.

Okay.

So go to mybookie.ag, promo code TAFS.

They'll match your deposit.

It's smart money.

Throw it down.

NFL season's coming up.

We're going jets all the way.

Aaron Rodgers, Hard Knocks, watch the fuck out of that.

It's going to get you excited about the season.

Mybookie.ag.

Mybookie.ag okay.

They let the guy animals

be studs, right?

Is that all we have to talk about?

I don't know.

You didn't send me a copy.

All it says is NFL.

NFL.

What else have we got?

Are you really excited about the Jets, Adam?

I watched two episodes of Hard Knocks.

I'm in.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm a Raiders fan.

it's not it's not that great

NFL preseason.

Yes, that's it

What were we saying?

Wow, this fume is good, yeah, fume.

Sorry, this fume is good

Anyways, okay, go on.

How How does it work on a farm?

They're only killing the girls and getting their milk, right?

And then there's one guy and he gets to fuck everyone?

Yeah.

So what happened to the rest of the bulls?

If he fucks everyone, right?

Half of the babies have to be guys.

Are they infanticizing infantising?

Infantism.

They turn them into steers.

What does a steer do?

A steer is a castrated male.

And what does he do?

Well, just he's he goes on a long ride.

He's like foghorn leghorn.

He's like got he's like,

so they eat the steers.

Yes, yeah.

There's steer meat.

So they eat bulls.

A steer doesn't have a dick?

A steer is castrated.

So it's like,

ah, you could eat meat.

It never gets pubes.

He doesn't get pubes.

No.

He's like the Vienna Boys Choir.

I remember finding a forum for guys that had a castration fetish years ago.

Yeah, yeah.

And

they would get the tool that they actually use on a farm to castrate bulls, and they'd meet up with each other in hotel rooms and

chop each other's balls off.

It was like a bris.

Yeah, a little more.

Yeah, like a like a yeah.

Yeah, it's called like a bizardo or a bizardo.

A birdizzo is the name brand of a company that makes a castration device and employs a large clamp designed to break the blood vessels leading to the testicles.

So it's like a this kind of action?

Yeah.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah.

Once the

testicle is lost, the testicular necrosis occurs and the testicle shrinks, soften, and eventually deteriorate completely.

When the device is used, the operator crushes the spermatic cords one at a time, leaving a space in between in order to prevent an interruption of blood flow to the scrotum.

Humans.

There's two sections.

Animals and humans.

Berdizzos have also been used by some human males as a means of self-castration.

Jesus Christ.

Though it lessens the risk of infection as no skin is broken, it is considered unsafe for humans as the Berdizzo was not originally designed for human use and causes blunt force trauma, the spermatic cords, which are thickly wrapped in nerve fibers.

Wait, so they smush them?

They don't rip them off?

Yeah, they just crush the blood vessels.

Oh my god.

Oh, and they sell it on Amazon.

Castration plier, Berdizzo style.

Anyways, guys, thanks for listening.

Please come to Boston

Show for whatever reason.

I think in the last month of promoting the show, six tickets have been sold,

which is about a half a ticket sold per podcast.

I've mentioned it.

And if you want, you can get your balls cut off at Amazon.com.

Yes.

And yeah, that's going to do it for tonight, folks.

Thanks for joining us.

Thanks a lot, folks.

Good night.

Good night.

We good.

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