The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 16

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Hey, and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show

Podcast.

Podcast, regular episode.

We just did the premium this morning.

I went to the gym, hit the sauna.

Feeling relaxed, feeling good.

A lot of stuff to be anxious about, but I tell you, that sauna really

clears it all out.

I think there's a little mouse eating the food you left out.

Oh, there it is.

I can hear it.

Can you see it?

Can't see it.

It's kind of dark out.

We got our own little ratatouille here.

Well, there's no food in there.

That's why it's on the floor.

There's just a box that had food in it.

Mm-hmm.

Those two food boxes, those are just not...

Well, those are on top of a table.

Gotcha.

Gotcha.

So the bag is garbage.

There's also food behind you, left out on the ground.

I put that in the...

Garbage bag.

The bread you left out?

Right there was a breakfast bar and I ate it and I put it in the garbage bag.

Yeah.

A breakfast bar.

You know who'd love that?

An alcoholic.

An alcoholic.

Sorry.

Did I say I um

so what's up for you're feeling bad?

You feel like you're getting sick again?

I think I'm getting sick.

Yeah, I think I was feeling started feeling bad in the last episode and then you went to the gym and I've fell asleep on the couch and I've just

like two weeks ago six six days ago six days ago and the time before that was probably what like six days ago

three days before that three days before that yeah

I don't know what I don't know what it could be yeah

certainly not allergies that season's over

no no it's not allergies I just can't stop I just couldn't stop falling asleep yeah I don't know what it was yeah I hope it's not the virus

yeah

We'll take some vitamin C.

The virus used.

That shall not be named.

It's funny Moms tonight.

I don't want to be there.

It would be fun if they had another one.

I think this time China should make a virus in a lab and release it.

And then when people are like, you know.

No, this is bullshit, then they actually get killed.

No, no, no.

Then China should make a China.

Now is, if I were China, this is the best time in the world to make a virus in a lab and release it.

Yeah.

Because after COVID, then all the people are like, oh, this was made in a lab.

People would be like, we've been through this, buddy.

Yeah.

China's not making viruses in a lab.

That would never.

Yeah.

It's sort of like that movie Double Jeopardy.

China, in a lot of ways, is like Ashley Judd.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's sort of the Ashley Judd of nations.

Exactly.

Beautiful.

You can't tell how.

You can't fuck Tommy Lee Jones than that.

Beautiful, but you can't tell how old.

Go ahead.

What were you saying?

Nothing.

Does she fuck Tommy Jones?

In the movie.

I don't know.

Beautiful, you can't tell how old she is.

That's all right.

Communist characteristics.

Sure.

Big old cans, country music, legend, family.

She's just naming things about Ashley Jad.

And Chinese characteristics.

Communist charact communism with Chinese characteristics.

Yeah.

What does that mean?

Like ch like communism, but

like it

bowing?

I don't know.

What does that mean?

Karate vibes.

More of a karate vibe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I woke up and I feel, I don't even know what day it is right now.

And I'm really, I

haven't been sick

in a couple months and now I feel terrible.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I would like to go to Funny Mumps tonight.

But we got, you know.

I'm working on a big opener.

We got a big day.

We're in New York City.

We're in New York fucking city.

There's a lot to be grateful for.

I'm feeling grateful.

You walk back from the gym feeling grateful?

After the sauna, mainly.

After the sauna.

Yeah, yeah.

What were you grateful for?

I don't know.

That was the other thing I struggled with when I was younger.

It's like, you know.

Gratitude?

You get, like,

you know, worried about stuff.

They'd say one of the best ways to deal with anxiety or worry is to practice gratefulness.

You know?

Yeah.

And that never really...

Maybe it's the way it's phrased or the wording.

I'm going to take this thing off because it's uncomfortable.

Maybe it's like breathe those things.

Yeah, they don't.

The words, and I think it's shrunk, too.

I don't know.

How does it?

It's a synthetic material, no?

Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe I got fat or who knows.

Maybe your muscles got bigger.

I don't think so.

Looks like someone spilled soy sauce all over it also.

Oh, gosh.

Was that Rick Glassman?

Did Rick Glassman spill soy sauce on my tracks?

I think he did.

Who is Rick Glassman?

I don't know.

He does puns.

He came on the show.

He came with Jordan last week.

Isn't he famous?

I think he's quite famous.

Yeah, he's famous.

Yeah, he was kind of being a little bit

combative.

Combative.

Yeah, I don't really know anything about him, but I'm sure.

On our show,

Darn

him, I thought he was like.

That sounds big.

Well, it sounds like a book guy, like a guy that writes books about gratitude.

Yeah.

I just read Being Gratitude by Rick Glassman.

By Rick Glasman.

Yeah, but you know, the people say, oh, you practice gratitude, and

I don't know, I would always struggle with it because what that would turn into is I'd be anxious about something or worried, and then you say, practice gratitude, and then what that turns into in my head is like, you think, oh, well, it could be worse.

There's other people that have a much worse situation.

So then I'm still anxious about the initial thing, and now I feel like a piece of shit cry baby on top of it.

Yeah, now you're an asshole.

So right now I'm an asshole on top of it.

So you're scared and an asshole.

Yeah, right.

So that really fucking help.

But now, I guess now that I'm older, I get it.

It's like you got to find it in little things because it should be, that's like a universality, right?

Practicing gratitude.

It's not specifically tailored to somebody who's like actually very lucky, which I feel like I am.

You know, it's like practicing gratitude should apply to everybody as a way out.

So you think about it, it's like, all right, well, okay, well, how would I quote unquote practice gratitude if I was somebody in one of these terrible situations?

and then it's like you know i mean

i made a little sandwich and it's like god isn't this nice i can what do you have on it just uh

chicken breast and some stir-fry that's nice yeah what's you put stir-fry just the stir-fry toppings oh the toppings because it's like you get all kinds of vegetables yeah so i went over to trader joe's i bought that little quick sandwich It's like, you know, I can put my sandwich together.

Isn't this nice?

That is nice.

Isn't it nice?

Yeah, yeah.

And that's the kind of stuff.

It's not like, oh, you know, things are going well.

And it is a little bit rude about this whole, like, oh, it could be worse kind of thing.

So you're supposed to be a homeless guy, but there's a guy that's a little bit more homeless than you.

Yeah.

It's comparing yourself to like the dregs of humanity and being like,

not me, brother.

Right.

You know, it is, it's actually being more of an asshole.

You know?

Yeah.

And being, oh, I'm so grateful for everything I have.

Because I'm, and I'm glad I need these fucking bums out there.

Yeah.

To feel good about myself.

Yeah.

You know?

These poor bums.

Right.

But yeah, there's always, there's always small things, you know.

The sandwich sounds good.

Sandwich?

That's not, you know.

It's a nice day.

It's summertime.

Dude, I just walked outside to see if I could wake up.

And this is really...

This is like it.

I felt like I was like

one of those heroin guys you see like waking up from a heroin thing.

And I was like walking around like a zombie.

And then the guy goes, Love the show.

And I'm like, oh, God, he's going to see me like that.

But to be fair, you look like that on the show also.

It's not like, oh, this guy caught me.

I look like one of those heroin guys.

Yeah.

Oh, come on, man.

I don't look like one of the guy caught me in a private moment where I'm slouching.

And, you know, okay, I'm slouchy.

My posture's bad.

But like, I was also just like

squinting at that.

That shirt is somehow too big for you and you're wearing it like a morbidly obese person.

I don't understand.

I don't understand that combination.

We're disgusting at the seams, but it's

wearing your boyfriend's clothes.

Well.

Well, I didn't sleep in mine last night.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, so again.

Well, I'm glad you're feeling good.

Yeah.

Do you think they're like in the...

Real quick, I'd like to to plug Boston.

I will be at the Wilbur Theater.

We added a second show at some point in September.

I can't remember when that is exactly, but it's coming up.

I think it's the

19th of September or something.

Something like that.

And assuming I don't have some sort of brain aneurysm or something happening to me right now, I will be at the 24th to the 26th.

You're just, you're being lazy.

I'm not being lazy.

What is this crap?

I think you're just being lazy.

No, it's not normal to wake up and feel like how I felt and then to just completely.

Well, there's inertia to it.

You don't do anything.

No, that's not true.

I do lots of things.

I go places, I drive places.

I go to stores.

Yeah.

No, I went to Best Buy the other day.

Yeah.

She's telling me I don't do anything.

Where are you going on vacation?

You said that's coming up.

Would you make a decision?

I think I go with my girlfriend.

No, I think she wants to go somewhere else now.

Where are you going?

You told me you're buying the tickets.

Greece?

Oh, Greece.

So Italy.

It's different.

In what way?

Greece is like...

It's blue and white?

It's just blue and white Italy?

No, Greece is like

the.

They were like, yeah, before, like the Romans.

They just Italy copied?

I don't know, dude.

Yeah, no, I just want to do nothing somewhere.

And you're accusing me of doing nothing already.

I'm not accusing you.

I'm trying to help you figure out why you're so tired.

You're sitting there waking up.

Today I am so tired.

Guys, I'm waking up.

You're worried you have a brain aneurysm.

I'm telling you, no, you don't have a

problem.

I don't think I have a brain aneurysm, August 24th to the 26th, Washington, D.C.

That's all I was trying to say.

Assuming that I don't have some sort of terminal illness, you're not using that.

I'll be in Washington, D.C.

next weekend.

You're not practicing gratefulness.

You should take a nap.

I'm usually grateful.

You just took a nap.

We've worked one hour today.

You took an hour.

I know.

And you should say,

how nice is it that I get to to take this nap and be tired?

Yeah,

because homeless guys, they have to nap outside, yeah, and they don't even really

sleep.

They're not getting quality sleep out there, they're not getting eight hours.

Yeah, you think they wake up like, ah,

sleeping under the stars,

yeah, you know, maybe you should hit the sauna.

Maybe you should go take a nap in the sauna and die,

sweat to death, yeah.

You go die in a sauna, Yeah.

If you're in there too long or something?

Probably.

Yeah.

What's that called?

Hyperthermia?

Hyperthermia.

Yeah.

Is that like dying in a desert or something?

Overheating.

Overheating.

Which is a big problem now because the climate change.

Yeah.

A lot of people dying of heat stroke.

You know, heat kills more people than any other type of weather.

Really?

Yeah.

I would have thought snow after the Jeremy Renner thing.

Yeah, I would have thought that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I bet he feels stupid.

He was trying to make us worried about the snow.

He's like, yeah, I got nothing to worry about.

It's snow.

It's like a hot day.

And then Blamo runs himself over with his

bulldozer.

Have you seen him going back out in public since the incident?

Does he have a cane?

He's like, stoically with a cane.

That's cool.

And

an unhappy look on his face, but like a dignified,

I won't be defined

by my uh

by my snow equipment injury yeah he met the Grim Reaper

and he said not today he said not today sister not today Satan yeah

I am not the one he said a black lady style I really should do this show with those sunglasses on more these lights are too bright sometimes yeah maybe i should put get sunglasses too we should have we should be kind of a blues brothers kind of yeah blind yeah blind style yeah hitting with Just hitting each other with sticks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It is wild.

I saw a blind person on the street the other day, and it's wild that that is.

That's the tech.

They've not updated the technology.

That is the tech on it.

Yeah.

It's a stick you probe around with.

Well, they should have come up with something better.

I guess it was.

Is there an app?

The stick is no longer pointy.

They have the stick, and then they have the black kid who's part dolphin.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just that one kid.

I think we already talked about this.

I think we talked about it on the street.

But I don't think we talked about it on the show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because deaf people got wild shit now.

Yeah.

Those cock Lear implants.

Yeah.

And then everything sounds like machine noises.

Yeah.

Like a tinny version of reality.

Is that what it sounds like?

I think it doesn't sound great.

Yeah.

Have you seen that movie about the drummer?

The Indian drummer?

Drumline?

No.

Not drum line.

Other drummer.

Indian drum line.

The sound of stink line.

The sound of metal or something.

Those kinds of

things.

Yeah, sink line.

Like pigbed.

Yeah.

I just felt bad for that kid, pigbed.

He was so poor that he had bugs all over him.

Wow, your family's poor.

Yeah.

You're covered in bugs.

I guess that's just like, that was like how you're like African stuff.

That's how the world was in like the 1930s.

Remember where peanuts comes from?

Yeah.

It's like, yeah, if you were poor, you're basically living in the

middle ages.

Yeah.

That's like literally the thing that they put in the commercials about African kids.

About like, oh, this kid has bugs on his face.

We have to help him.

Does like infomercials when I was a kid.

Remember the guy?

He looked like Michael McDonald with the beard?

The Christian guy.

Yeah, Michael McConnell.

Yeah, the Christian children.

Michael McDonald would walk around a junkyard.

Now I'm waking up.

He would walk around a junkyard and he'd like, like, there'd be like an old fucking Sanyo microwave.

He'd move to the side and pick up just like some brown girl didn't even know she was in a commercial.

Yeah.

Like, cup of coffee?

You can own this child.

For a cup of coffee.

Yeah.

I can get you a kid.

That's got to be weird, too.

You're living in...

What country was that even supposed to be?

I think it was...

South America.

I remember

the little girl was South America.

He had one in Africa, too.

It looked South American, but he was in like a junkyard.

It looked like the set from the the movie Street Trash.

I bet you was, that's, that's a fucking Hollywood creation.

Right.

That's Kubarik doing the moon layer.

Yeah, I mean, that guy didn't fly to a Guatemalan junkie.

Oh, my God.

They were in Burbank.

He's like, I got to be at church.

I got church.

I'm playing with the Allman Brothers band.

I got to take it to the streets.

I'm taking it to the streets.

I don't have time.

Yeah.

Yeah, Michael McDonald would do those commercials.

That was a weird mood for him.

I don't think it was him, dude.

I think it was like

the professor from Jurassic Park.

That's who I always thought it was.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You can use these children for experiments.

Yeah, it's the same guy.

That's the same guy.

Yeah.

This is Jurassic Park.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who is that guy?

Richard Attenborough.

Is it?

Yeah.

It is Richard Attenborough.

Yeah.

So cool.

Yeah.

So he made Planet Earth and Jurassic Park?

And then he was like...

Yeah,

there's David Attenborough and Richard Attenborough.

Oh, that's his brother?

Yeah, I think one of them's the narrator and the other one's the Jurassic Park guy.

David's way better.

Yeah.

What the hell was the like?

It's crazy that that guy thought that.

I mean, it's such a ridiculous premise for a movie.

To make a theme park.

Yeah, theme park in the, like, some island in the middle.

Like, who's who can go there?

Yeah.

You know?

Who can even go there?

It's impossible.

Yeah.

And then you got a fat guy working there.

How do you even get to that island?

Newman?

How did Newman get that job?

I've got a new idea.

You know where I'm going to go as a 400-pound man to the jungle.

To work at a dinosaur plant, right?

To be sucked to death by mosquitoes.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Movie doesn't make any sense.

The movie makes that movie is.

I'm saying fake as hell.

Yeah.

And then Jeff Goldblum's there just because you have to put him in.

And then what was his role?

He was just cool.

He's like, oh, they're bringing me here because

I have sunglasses.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe the dinosaurs would like to have sex.

Maybe I could

fuck the dinosaurs.

Maybe.

All right.

Yes, yeah.

Yeah.

Yes, yes.

The Velociraptors, they are a

very sexy species.

Yeah.

Yeah, what was his role?

Just,

I think, something smart, right?

He, like, knew a lot about dinosaurs, but he wasn't like in the girl kind of way.

Yeah.

Like the lady.

And then he had an adopted black daughter that was not like Sam Neal?

And an Olympic, Olympist, a gymnast.

He did?

Yeah, and the second one, I think.

I don't remember Jurassic World.

Yeah.

They've made like 12 of them shits now.

Damn, now I want to go home and watch Jurassic Park.

You wrote that theme song?

John Williams.

Michael McDonald.

Michael McDonald?

And if I ever see you again, Mr.

T-Rex.

He did write that song.

God damn it.

How did I not see it?

If we could just have the dinosaurs back.

Yeah, we ended up scrapping the Michael McDonald theme song for Jurassic Park because it was making Jeff Goldblum too horny.

Heaven's sakes, we're gonna be able to do that.

If we don't have the dinosaurs back,

yeah,

that's pretty good.

For a cup of coffee a day,

you can sponsor a child.

Just him singing to a child.

And I love you.

Fucking just a confused cookie jarred girl.

I forgot.

I can't find it for the life of me.

I've tried to look for it a million times.

But in high school,

my friend Leo in high school used to have a video of Bono on stage

singing to a child in the face.

And the kid is so fucking confused.

If anyone could find it and send it to me, it used to be our favorite video.

You knew it's a weird one?

P.R.

Pants.

It's the music video for the Rod Stewart song, Forever Young.

Where's the mini Rod Stewart?

Well it's a little boy.

I don't know.

I would imagine.

But he's got spiky hair.

It's got to be his real-life son because make sure you're on Adam's camera while he's picking his nose.

Come on, dude.

Thank you.

It's got to be his real-life son because of the intimacy between Rod Stewart and this little red-headed.

I always thought it was a fucking Jerry McGuire kid.

Jonathan Liffnicki.

Yeah, I think he was only in Jerry McGuire and then he quit acting.

Really?

Yeah, and then he was like, he got in P90X in his 20s.

And then there was like a

spate of articles that was like, check out fucking Mr.

Maguire.

Check out the Human Edison 10 Pounds kid.

Yeah, he's

abs.

Yeah, already his abs.

Woo!

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, the 10 Pounds kid.

Yeah.

That was a good movie.

Jerry Maguire?

I do want to watch Jurassic Park again though

I want to learn the monologue about I'm looking for my wife from

Jurassic Park no from Jerry McGuire dude oh what's it called

did you fuck my wife or what's it it's not did you fuck my wife

did you what are you talking about there's a monologue from Jerry McGuire show me the money

no show me the money is on the phone it's on the phone yeah No, there's like a What's the Premise of the movie?

He's a sports agent and he's like burned out at work, so he stays up all night writing a letter to the industry that's like, here's what's wrong with being a sports agent.

We don't have enough heart.

We don't care.

No, he's a sports agent, and he's an agent for a bunch of players, one of whom is going to be the number one draft pick in the NFL quarterback.

He has a bunch of players, and then there's bad agent Jay Moore.

And then there's kind of some sort of power grab.

where Jay Moore kind of signs up all his agents, all his players, and he gets forced out of the company.

Yeah.

And he has one

guy that stays with him.

I watch Tidman.

Tillman.

I always think that I remember

that movie, and then I run through the plot in my head, and I'm actually just remembering the plot the Jiwana man.

Okay.

No, I was just remembering the plots of Jawana.

No, it's alright.

I got blueberries all over my pants.

Okay, so he has one guy that stays with him who's a wide receiver for the Arizona Cardinals.

But he still thinks he's got that number one draft pick.

And he's like leaving the company, and then he says, like, I'm fucking out of here.

These people are all fucked up.

Fucked up.

Who's with me?

You know what I was thinking?

And that, yeah.

Renee.

You buy the NFL.

You get the money together at the NFL.

And you change the game of football where the quarterback throws it.

But then the receiver's job is to bring the ball back to the quarterback through the defense.

Like a dog?

Yes.

Wide retriever, right?

You do that, change the game to that.

Touchdown is if you get the ball back to the quarterback.

Yeah.

Then you can make the field a quarter of the length.

Yeah.

And then you use the additional stadium space to AI.

Use that for AI.

Server servers.

Yes, computers.

Computers.

And then the NFL suddenly goes from being a barely profitable business.

You're making millions.

You can make millions of dollars.

Millions.

Overnight.

I know you do the bar stool next week.

Tell them about my idea.

I'm doing bars a little to bar.

That's a good idea.

Patent pending.

Patent pending.

I listened to the chappo.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that they, I think people, some of the, some of the chappo check, some of the chappo check, some of those boys were saying

I was being annoying.

You were being annoying?

Yeah.

You didn't steal my bit, but.

What bit?

We've come to accept that.

I steal your bit probably every time I do chappo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know anything about that.

That's all right.

That's the Adam bitch.

What was the bit?

That is the Adam Bitch.

What was the bit?

About how they say everybody can just claim to have autism now.

And it's a lot of people are.

That's not your bit.

Yes, it is.

You said what I've said word for word, identically.

Which is when I said, no, I don't like that.

Some people are just.

Some people are just rude and have a hobby.

Yeah, but then I was talking.

No, I was talking about gaslighting and BPD.

Yeah, another thing.

You don't talk about that.

I did.

Yes, I do.

When did you say that?

You say that on stage?

I don't know if I've ever said it on stage, but I've made that

autism.

Actually, I have said it on stage because

I would reference having autism on stage, and then I would do it at the stand, but say I've never been diagnosed with autism, but I've been accused of it.

Yeah, you certainly have.

Yeah, I've been accused of it, but everybody says they have autism.

It's great because it's just a blank thing.

Some people are just rude and have a hobby, but you're just saying, oh, that guy's autistic.

You said that word for word, and then also I've also made the point that they just put every woman on Lexapro now and they all have...

I think these are just general observations about the world, that all guys are being called autistic.

You made the exact same point I have and used the exact words, but

I don't know about that.

Okay, all right, fine.

I'm sick of that.

You're right.

You don't steal.

And that started with what?

With incel thing.

That not getting, what did I say?

Not getting pussies the worst thing in the world.

Now we have to make them feel like awesome.

So it doesn't matter where it started.

I mean, but that's not how things work i am sick of fucking autistic i'm sick of everything being called autistic yeah that it wasn't your point either oh yeah you're just rude i think maybe you've said

but the rest of that rant and lexipro what is that that's an antidepressant that's not bpd yeah sure shut up nick shut up nick sure sure nice mustache

yeah i think i'm like i'm a little mustache again i think mustache for the special have you gotten your outfit ready no I was going to just go get a turtleneck and some big jeans.

I like that look.

Turtleneck and big jeans?

Like Jingco?

No, not that big.

No.

Just like...

You were going to do Steve Jobs.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And New Balance?

No, I was thinking like Doc Martins.

Okay.

Yeah.

Grunge.

Yeah.

Yeah, taking it back to the early 90s.

Taking it to the streets.

Seattle.

Taking it to the streets.

Yeah.

That's the name of the special.

I asked you earlier today what the name of the special was.

Taking it to the streets.

Taking it to the streets.

I keep forgetting.

Yeah.

And I just don't have a punchline for any joke.

I'll be like, ah, yeah,

we're taking it to the streets.

Yeah.

You keep saying it in live punchlines.

I keep forgetting probably the best song about Alzheimer's.

Which is what?

I keep forgetting.

By Michael McDonald.

Oh, yeah.

The best song about

having Alzheimer's disease.

Is that what it's about?

Yeah.

I keep forgetting where I put my cockies.

I keep forgetting my son's face and name.

I keep forgetting my birthday.

I keep forgetting while I'm in this hospital.

I thought I was 30 years old.

Yeah.

I was just at work.

I remember they as a middle manager at GM.

Now my bones feel brittle and weak.

I think my grandmother, they used to get her.

She used to just walk out of memory care.

They just get her on the street.

Have to go get her.

They're like, yeah, we got her again today.

Like, god damn it.

Yeah.

So sad.

Someone walking around not knowing where they are.

It's gonna be sad when you have that.

I think I have it right now.

And you can't remember other people's bits.

Oh my god.

What am I gonna do?

You're like, oh, I gotta take it.

That wasn't a bit.

You're just rude.

All right, whatever.

You're the

that's not a bit.

Okay.

Every guy is fucking autistic these days.

Okay.

I'm sick of it.

Okey-dokie.

I like people need to learn how to cry.

Okie-dokie.

I believe I can cry.

That's that's going to be the name of my special when I come out.

I believe I can cry.

Yeah.

By R.

Kelly.

What's the R stand for?

GPS.

Redux to half.

Robert.

Robert.

Yeah.

Does it?

Does it really?

Robert Kelly.

R.

Kelly is Robert Kelly.

Bobby Kelly.

That's crazy.

Yeah,

he tried to come out as...

When he was first coming out,

he went by Bobby Kelly.

And they were like, you can't fucking do that.

Because Bobby Kelly doesn't

go by Bobby Kelly.

He goes by Robert Kelly.

And then...

He tried it.

Sorry.

He tried to go by Robert Kelly.

and then Bobby Kelly.

Bobby Kelly.

Bobby Kelly was too big.

Bobby Kelly's friends call him Bobby Kelly, but I think his, doesn't professionally, he goes by Robert Kelly.

I think maybe, yes.

Yeah.

Yeah, so R.

Kelly couldn't do it.

Okay.

Is he still in trouble?

He's one of those guys that's like, I feel like if Bobby Kelly?

If you got canceled both.

Bobby Kelly is in big trouble.

No, R.

Kelly.

I feel like if you got canceled before all the cancellations, you're fine because it just kind of persists.

Yeah.

Like Chris Brown is fine.

And he was smart enough to bite Rihanna before any of this stuff.

Before he was illegal.

He got all his bites in before.

Yeah.

He got all his bites out of his system.

Yeah.

He is in jail.

Yeah.

I said this a couple weeks ago, and I kind of butchered remembering it, but

I did hear a recording of

some prisoner being like sing for my girl.

Sing for my girl.

And he gets on the phone and he starts singing.

And he's like, what song do you want to hear?

Who's this?

R.

Kelly.

Oh, is he in jail?

He's in jail.

Yeah, yeah.

For what?

For,

I think, kidnapping women and holding them as sexist.

I thought he just peed.

The P was, P was what came out first.

Yeah.

But then there was the underage, and then there was the imprisonment.

I thought these famous singers were getting in trouble for dog crimes.

Mm-mm.

Yeah.

Mm-mm.

Yeah, Justin Bieber ate someone's shoes.

Justin Bieber in hot water after eating a bunch of period blood off

his mom's underwear.

Yeah, he eats the front of them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He had to stop.

What's wrong?

Slow.

Heart attack?

No.

No, no, good.

No more.

No heart attack.

I don't like this.

Looks like.

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That's where the there's like a bubble or something.

You need need a burp?

Is that how you burp?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You burp like that?

The clowns burp.

The clowns.

I could be the very specialist.

Yeah, how about a Mexican clown

that

that sneaks across the border.

And when he gets across the border, he pulls a

little dog out of his ass filled with heroin.

Oh, okay, like a balloon animal.

Yeah, in there, he's

he's like, look, you say,

y say, Ligo pero.

Yeah, he say, what's a little in Spanish?

Like, sito, sito.

You say sito at the end.

Pero

sito.

Pero sito.

Yeah.

Y say pero sito.

Yeah.

E con y jero eno.

Y jero.

Something like something like that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And and then the cartel, they're like

They're like this that's funny.

Yeah

What's going on with the cartel these days this border thing is crazy.

What is it?

Is it popping off again?

Yeah, but they're like putting like fucking buoys with razor wire in the water so that like that's really mean.

I mean, that's insane

kids going that way.

Like if Mexico is that fucking bad, just let them in the country.

You know what I mean?

They're doing all the crap we need.

Forever, it was like, I can understand being like, oh, you know, I don't want them here.

Like, not that that's my opinion, but I can understand being like that if your perception is that there's just no, they're coming here to take jobs.

You know what I mean?

But nobody's getting sliced open by fucking razor wire for a job.

You know what I mean?

So, like, how could you, like, it's got there's got to be something else.

I don't know what the fuck's going on.

It's got to be, it's gotta be pretty.

It's gotta be bad.

The vibe has to be pretty off.

It's gotta be pretty bad down there.

Yeah.

But.

They're putting buoys with razor wire?

Yeah.

So it's just like a fucking.

It's like trench warfare.

It's like World War II.

They're making it Belgium in World War I.

Which is crazy because that's so much worse than a wall, which everyone was mad at Donald Trump for saying we're going to put a wall up.

So Biden's putting just like.

Putting barbed wire in the rivers to like slice people open.

That's

terrible.

Yeah, it's bad.

That's terrible.

Yeah.

I don't.

Yeah.

They should all team up with that clown guy and just use his tiny car.

The thing is, is him at the border crossing being like, it's just me.

It's just me.

I promise

it's just me and a little dog.

My pero sito.

Yeah.

What else is in the news?

Adam, what's going on with you?

What's on your mind?

It's fucking fighting through.

I don't know.

You're fighting with your girlfriend?

No.

Did you buy the tickets for Greece?

No.

We haven't bought them yet.

You texted me.

I made it seem like it was

an urgent thing.

We're not.

We have to figure one other thing out with the dates.

But we'll do it today, probably.

Yeah.

Um, but we're.

I'm annoyed.

I just bought all these fucking,

I have to fly, you know, our guys out to shoot this thing this weekend.

I'm going to be there, brother.

I know.

And it's like, if I had had that, if I had that credit card, I maybe could have possibly have gotten status for it.

But I don't know how the fuck it gets status.

It should be a thing.

You can get it by flying one airline.

And it's like, I don't think that's possible with American Airlines.

I flew Delta.

Yeah.

And I put my damn Delta card on it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I chose American rather than Delta, which I think was...

American is a mistake.

Well, I guess for the, I looked at it and the international stuff, which is like when I, if I ever cashed in any of that shit, is better with American.

Is it?

Supposedly.

They have more partner airlines.

I think I read you.

But you never leave the country.

On the points guy.

Well, I'm saving them all up.

I have enough chase rewards that I could go somewhere.

I want to accumulate a number.

Where would you go?

I don't know.

It would be to kill myself, though.

It's like if it, if I suicide force, Japan.

No, I'm depicted.

That's cliche.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would go to Joe Biden's house.

And just not a suicide bombing in America.

Not a suicide bombing, so you're not allowed to investigate me off this claim.

Yeah, let's hear it.

But I would.

It's a bit.

He's doing a bit.

I'm doing a bit.

And it's not illegal to go into the president's home and put a hose in your own ass and breathe in the fart.

Yeah, the fumes until you die.

Because then it's, you know,

everybody thinks self-immolation, that's the ultimate way to make a point.

Yeah.

No one's ever...

Choking in a death on front.

If you burned yourself to death on the front lawn of the White House, it'd be a story for a week.

If there was a man that did diarrhea into his own lungs,

that would be you'd be the next you'd be every Rage Against Machine album.

Yeah, you would.

Yeah, the hose guy.

The hose guy.

Yeah.

People would be be making hose guy t-shirts yeah there'd be a fucking hose guy miniseries

there'd be a fucking hose guy uh true crime american crime story oj style yeah i've been watching a uh investigation discovery yeah the last couple days what they have that show like i didn't know i was pregnant until i was taking a shit one day in a baby film the toilet no that's like tlc is that too investigation discovery is like and then they found jessica's body fucked to death behind the mcdonald's and then they hire reenactors, right?

Well, yeah, then they always do an interview with the fattest cop you've ever seen.

He's like, it's one of the most disturbing cases I've ever seen in my 785 years in law enforcement.

I still think about it often.

Yeah.

It was terrible, but she was sexually fucked to death.

The Jessica case.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where's Jessica?

What is it that name?

That name is just like,

bad shit's going to happen in your life.

What, Jessica?

Yeah.

No, there's been Jessicas that have had a good time.

I feel like if you're Jessica, you either get murdered or you become an Olympic gymnast.

Yeah.

Those are the only two.

Which I guess they have.

They've had a bad time.

Yeah.

That's.

Apparently Larry Nasser, did he get killed in Jessica?

He got stabbed.

He got stabbed.

Yeah.

But he beat it?

I guess.

I was saying recently, it's weird that that's...

It seems a little late.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

It's like when Kissinger dies and then socialists on Twitter are going to be like, fuck yeah.

You know, it's like, no, he's already

done genocide.

Yeah, right.

You know.

Yeah, well, I mean, late in the sense that he's been in prison for a while.

Oh, it was late for him to get stabbed.

Yeah, it's not like he got stabbed.

Well, he was probably paying off people for protection.

Yeah.

Subway Jared got, he got the business almost immediately, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, people just, I don't know.

Yeah.

Larry Nasser is like a

I mean that guy did numbers.

Yeah.

You know

You know about this guy Kermit Gosnell the abortion guy the abortion guy in Philly.

Yeah.

That guy was truly like

That was what did he do again?

He was like he just was like a killing women.

He was just you know post-term post-term infanticide.

They said it was like disgusting when they went in there.

They were supposed to all over the floor.

So he was like, really?

He was really just DIY.

He's really in trouble for having a messy office.

He was DIY.

Yeah.

He was incredibly DIY.

Punk rock.

He was punk rock.

He was very bushwick.

Get in the van.

Yeah, that guy was a real monster.

If anyone wants to read

the worst, most disturbing

Wikipedia that

is up there.

Is he in jail?

I don't know what happened to Kermit.

Gosnow.

Kermit.

If your name is Kermit,

you're going to do

like a string of horrific

torture type crimes.

What other Kermits are there?

There's the Frog.

But I feel like, yeah, a guy named Kermit eventually will always

just do some horrific things.

Yeah.

It's funny that there was probably, after Kermit the Frog, no one was named Kermit anymore.

Yeah.

That probably holds more true than the name Adolph.

There were probably in the in the 50s, there were a couple of parents like, it's so what?

I love the name.

It's a nice name.

It starts with A.

He's always going to be called first in class.

You can call him Dolph.

Yeah.

True.

Yeah, it's true.

Yeah.

But Kermit, no, that was out.

Garfield, too.

True.

Nobody's named Garfield anymore.

Used to be.

Probably used to be named Adolph Garfield.

I was thinking the other day, what happened to all the Travises?

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're still Travis's.

I don't know any.

I think I know a couple of Travis's.

There were a lot of fucking Travises in high school.

Yeah.

I think it's a West Coast name.

Yeah, that and Zach.

Zach?

I know some Zach's.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're not dead.

Well, it's like apparently they all died off.

There's another name that I remembered where I was like, I couldn't name one anymore.

We've had this conversation, but it's

the odds that you're fat if your name is Chris.

Girl Chris or guy Chris?

Guy Chris.

There's a good chance

you have like an 80% chance of being a big fat guy if your name's Chris.

What is that?

I don't know.

You think maybe it's the beginning of Christmas?

Yeah.

Santa Claus.

Yeah, they're like, oh, I got to eat a lot of chocolate.

I got to eat a lot of chocolate.

Yeah.

I got to eat a lot of plates of cookies.

Majority of Chris's I've known in my life have been fat guys.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm trying to think of Chris's.

I don't know.

There's what?

Chris O'Connor, he's not fat.

No, he's not.

He's not, but that's, you know, an exception.

He's the only one.

Yeah, I'm trying to think of

non-fat Chris's.

I can't even think of one besides Chris O'Connor.

Chris Cuomo.

Chris Cuomo is a fucking piece of of marble.

But that's why.

He's a marble.

That's why he works out all the time.

His name is Chris Ocucker.

Because he doesn't want to be like one of those Chrises.

Yeah, you know what?

He's like, I'm not going down without a fight.

Yeah.

CNN could take me.

He's very defensive about

the Italian stuff, but he should be more defensive about

the Chris stuff.

It's a very fat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean,

Chris Tucker.

Chris Christie.

Are there other Chrises in politics?

And Chris Christie is like the fattest politician since Taft.

Wasn't there a female Chris in the Midwest, we're not talking about female Chris.

I know.

Christy Noam.

She's one of those, like, somehow, like, after Trump got elected, we ushered in all these CrossFit women.

Yeah.

You know, well, now that they're just in government.

The gun, the, the, they're all cross-fun.

The vaccine gun lady does, like, like, pull-ups and stuff.

Yeah, the Fred Flintstone lady.

Yeah, she looks like shit.

Yeah, she looks terrible.

She's gross.

Is she still in Congress?

Taylor Greene?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She still is yeah every week she's like we're impeaching joe we're sending joe biden to jail

she's just like hands in paper is written in crayon can she read

she just yelled yeah it's crazy you could just be on like

you could just have angry enough facebook posts and it will result in you being on in the government.

I should try that, dude.

It's easy now.

It's easy.

And then if once you get into Congress, you get kicked out and then you just do do speaking tours and you get fucking...

You work for the fucking private sector.

Yeah.

Which is.

The private sector, as you're coming in, that's when you fucking make money.

It's like doing stand-up, but it's better because it's 10 o'clock in the morning at Golden Sachs.

Easy.

And you don't have to be funny.

No.

You can be a little bit...

You don't even bomb.

Yeah, you just fucking, you know, you just, you're like, look, guys, Wall Street is fucking awesome.

Yeah.

And they're like,

yeah.

Yes.

You guys are cool.

These wildfires in Hawaii, let's see wildfires on the stock market.

That's what I'd like to see.

I'd like to see fucking the S ⁇ P burning it up.

And then you did the last 30 minutes is just what you remember of the movie Jared Maguire.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the way to go.

How about it?

I've moved on to the second LBJ book now.

What is he doing in this one though?

The second one, no.

The second one is a...

Didn't you read the second one?

No, I read the first one.

No, it's on the record

here.

Guys, you can look it up.

On this show, Adam claimed he read the second one.

The first one?

No, I asked you.

The Path to Power.

I asked you, and you said, no, I read the second one.

Michael Franklin.

I read The Path to Power.

Okay.

And what happens to that?

Path to Power?

Yeah.

They have to get a fellowship together.

Let's go to Mordor, destroy the damn ring.

Mm-hmm.

Easy.

Yeah.

Next.

I think this is another one of Adam's book lies.

Okay, I'll tell you another I'll tell you another fact about it.

Adam's book of the book.

Okay, you want to hear another fact?

The book of

the liar.

He was a teacher.

Yeah, that's one fact you can look up.

That's why I said I was reading the first book, and you're like, oh, I read the second one.

Isn't the first book?

That's the one where he's a teacher.

Path to Power.

Yeah, because you didn't read it.

You told me you read the second one.

I have Path to Power in my house.

You have a bunch of books that you have not read in your house.

That is absolutely true.

Yeah, everybody does.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what books are for.

That's what books are for.

The show.

We all heard that John Waters.

They look really nice.

John Waters said it the best.

I know.

I heard that thing, and it stays in your head.

If you want to rape a girl,

this is the exact quote by.

You got to buy books.

If you want to trick somebody into it.

It's on a tote bag.

I got this strand that says...

A gay guy said it.

If you want to trick people into having sex,

fill your house

with the Caro series you haven't read.

Yeah.

Girls really do be want to fuck from Robert Caro.

But see, it's so funny because it's so stupid.

It makes sense that a gay guy said it because, like, it sounds good.

It's like women will, women will, like, anything.

You could go, your house could be filled with Funko Pops.

And, like, if a woman has decided to fuck somebody, they'll be like, oh, cool, he's into Funko Pops.

Right.

You know, that's actually cool.

Yeah, women will fuck guys with micro-penises.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Women will fuck anyone.

Yeah,

it's not like they do things in spite of.

Yeah.

They elevate all of the spiteful aspects to the level of like, oh, actually, these things are.

What they'll do is they'll fuck a guy with a micro penis, and then they'll tell everyone that the guy has a micropenis.

And they'll have a podcast about it.

And then actual podcast about it.

And it's called...

Kevin Saunderson has a micro penis.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

The new bitch podcast.

Right.

And then they'll get like $150 million.

Spotify gives them $200 billion

for the slutty.

To just list men's, like,

yeah.

Yeah.

Meanwhile, we got to work our ass.

We got to fucking put on hard hats.

We built this.

Yeah.

Have you seen that thing?

You didn't build this.

Have you seen that thing on Twitter where it's like the guys like playing with diarrhea?

And then somebody would be like, women can't do this job.

And it's just that guy, I don't even know what that is.

What job is that?

I don't know.

There's pipes and they're covered in diarrhea.

They're covered in shit.

Oh, plumber?

No, it's like some kind of induct.

I think it's like the hose under the elephant enclosure at the zoo.

Or it's the guys that pump the feces out of Bonnaroo or something.

But they're like, oh, women can't do this job.

Yeah.

And that's like a frog.

Andrew Tate is retweeting that.

And he'd be like, yeah, give me the fucking diarrhea, you dumb bitch.

Yeah.

Did you see...

Did you ever see?

I don't know.

Is he in jail too?

What's the deal with that?

I think he's like on parole.

He's in like Dracula's Castle.

Yeah.

Romanian pro.

Romania.

What's that like?

I just imagine my Bowser's Castle.

In my head, it's just fucking all satin and fucking stained glass.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it sounds awesome.

Yeah.

It's me.

It's just sitting on a bunch of throw pillows somewhere.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It's yeah.

They're like, would you like some dirty tea?

It's like a Sebastian.

Would you like a special type of tea?

That's just, we didn't figure out how tea bags work.

So we put it

in it.

Dirt.

Yeah, dirt tea.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

That's what I imagine.

Yeah.

That guy really talks weird.

And I'm sure we've said this too.

But all the bad guys.

Fuck kind of access.

All these guys.

Musk and him.

What, Musk, him, Andy

Nyo?

Yeah, just have a, just talk regularly.

It makes sense.

And it's weird that you don't see that analysis, like, sincerely ever.

is that like, oh, all of these guys, they're not like, of course they're antisocial.

They had had to go through their entire life.

They're like located identity?

Right.

They can't open their mouths without, they can't relate to people.

Because people are going to be like, why the fuck are you talking like that?

Were you from fucking Australia?

Yeah, and it's just.

What kind of accent is that?

Well, it's a blend.

I guess Andrew Tate spent time in like your English

as a kid.

Yeah.

So he talks with the American accent, but he's like, yeah, it's utterly disgusting what's going on with feminism.

Yeah.

You know, top of the morning.

Tall for the woman.

It's not even, there's no accent.

He just pronounces the words.

He like omits like fucking consonants the way that a native

name would.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

But otherwise, he sounds like a guy.

Elon Musk, too, weird accent.

Andy No, weird accent.

And it's like in any other world, they would have just been Will Keith.

They would have been in the swords.

Yeah.

You know?

But then they just found guys to be like.

I get.

I mean, that's got to be fucking alienating, dude.

If you talk to anybody and like just basic human interaction yes and then you have the internet where you can't where people can't hear them and they can now vent these things and they're taken seriously because they're silly voice jordan peterson same thing silly voice rfk jr silly voice

you know it's like yeah it it it affects people yeah i think more than anything and i feel like that's unexamined yeah you know who had a cool voice emo phillips emo phillips weird voice if emo phillips was like women's place is in the kitchen, I would be like, yeah, I can understand.

I'd buy his damn book.

I can understand why he'd buy that damn book.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that that guy, that Gorka, that used to work for Trump, that guy had an amazing voice.

Yeah.

And no one took that guy seriously.

But he has right-wing radio voice.

Yes.

That's the other way you can go.

Your voice can be so good.

Those guys do have amazing voices.

Yes.

Like Rush Limbaugh sounded awesome.

He sounds awesome.

Yeah.

yeah

hunter biden drug addict and fucking degenerate is he still cooking these people destroy america yeah he died from uh like tylenol or something oh yeah

well he got addicted to fucking uh back pills yeah back pills yeah yeah

he was the goat yeah he truly imis had a great voice too yeah he wasn't full of conservative yeah so if you're imagine you're a boy growing up and you're in school and you're like who's ready for lunchtime My dad used to.

You remember like, what are you, Rush Limbaugh?

And you're like, I guess I am.

My dad used to

listen to Himus sometimes when we were like in the car.

Immos would be like, I must suck your penis.

And when I was a kid, he used to talk about McCain.

I must suck your penis.

I remember what he said about McCain.

I must suck your penis.

I forget it.

What do you say about McCain?

He used to go, That's my boy.

Yeah,

I always remember that.

Yeah.

Yes,

John McCain, that's my boy.

Is Dick Cheney still alive?

I think so.

I love him, dude.

I love Dick Cheney.

He dressed like Darkwing Duck now.

Yeah, yeah.

That's his vibe.

Yeah, that's what Glenn Beck is.

Glenn Beck somehow still has relevancy.

And he's just, remember he's like, he had that brand shift to being like steampunk Hillary Clinton guy?

He got circled glasses.

Who the fuck is listening to Glenn Beck?

I know.

Is he online or something?

That's why I worry about the show and all this stuff.

And it's like...

No, the fans never go.

If Glenn Beck can still.

They go, yeah, yeah.

I was trying to get Guttfield.

Something can turn bad.

I was trying to get Gutfield.

She's still there.

Yeah, Gutfield.

You were trying to get Gutfield for here?

Yeah, yeah.

You said no?

Well, it's funny.

I had no idea.

Like, you know,

that's a non-union show, so they only have three writers, and they've continued to be on during the writer's strike.

But

Joe DeVito and Joe Mackey both write for the show.

They do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I don't know who the third guy is.

I don't know.

It might just be Gutfield.

Yeah.

So, yeah, I asked Joe to veto, but I did not hear back.

The fuck.

Yeah.

Well, we got a lot of good ones coming up, guys.

Yeah.

Just so you know.

Well, we just got to reshoot.

We got to shoot.

We got to just shoot the intros.

Shoot this other stuff.

We have

a lot of fun.

Hopefully after this weekend, the schedule is clear.

We'll be able to do it.

No more scrambling.

It'll be fun.

No more panicking that, oh, we only have

12 hours to shoot this thing and make sure it works.

Yeah, yeah.

And then you have to be on a plane to fucking Wilkes Bear PA.

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

To do Hitler Live.

Yeah.

That is very funny that you said that at the stadium shows.

What?

You feel like Hitler?

You do feel.

I mean, I don't, like.

It's insane.

That's insane.

It's like you should not be...

No human being should be able to address that many people.

Were there black people there?

I don't think so.

No.

It's like 10,000 white people.

I think so.

Like 13,000 white people.

No,

that is a weird feeling.

Yeah.

It's wrong.

It's wrong.

It's wrong.

It's wrong.

As much as the internet feels wrong, addressing a stadium feels way worse.

Yeah.

You know?

They didn't even do that.

That's what Trump was doing.

They built the Colosseum

in ancient Rome.

And then, like, Caesar could have been like, oh, this is where I'm going to do my hate speech.

But he was like, no, we're we're just going to make slaves kill each other.

We're going to make Christians kill each other.

That's not as bad as speech.

You know what I mean?

Speeches are kind of bad.

They're bad.

People shouldn't give speeches.

Yeah.

I don't even know why Trump, for all the people.

Tell me one good speech.

All the shit Trump catches, like the audacity and idiocy of him to call his things rallies.

Yeah.

Don't call it a rally.

Call it like a Trump powwow or something.

Pick a different name.

Yeah.

You can't call it a fucking rally.

Crossburn it.

Yeah, well, that one's probably bad, too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Called a Barnstorm.

A Barnstorm doesn't sound good.

Yeah.

No, Barnstorm's fine.

You think so?

Yeah.

I like fireside chat.

Yeah.

That sounds nice.

From the disabled president.

Yeah, for the president wheels.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That guy was cool.

He fucked his cousin.

Did he?

Yeah, she looked like shit.

I didn't know that.

He did the New Deal.

Yeah.

Oh, Roosevelt?

Yeah, I didn't know that.

Yeah, her maiden name was Roosevelt.

Yeah.

Wasn't that all the rich people back then?

Eleanor.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you could be a little fucked up.

He's featured prominently in the first LBJ book,

which you would know if you would actually.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

The New Deal?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Franklin

Delano.

Delano.

A dumb name.

Yeah.

You know, they weren't like, I know this from the Teddy book, but like their family in the 1800s weren't fully accepted by like New York high society because Roosevelt Roosevelt

was

too Dutch sounding.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

Roosevelt.

But weren't the other names like kind of...

But I thought that New York was Dutch.

Isn't it Van Vanderbilt is kind of...

Yeah, but he was New Money.

Oh,

Vanderbilt was also?

Yeah.

But what about Astoria?

The Commodore.

That's the best nickname ever.

Astoria, that's like

sort of a.

Isn't that a name?

Is that one of the people, or is that just what they call the Aster?

Waldorf.

That's what I'm thinking.

Maybe.

Aster.

Aster.

Jacob Aster.

Yeah, Aster.

That's not real.

The Asters were the.

Those were New York High Society.

Yeah.

The Asters.

Make sure again on his cam for a picking.

Dude, I wait for the Red to leave.

The 52.

I wait for the leave.

I know, but he can.

I wait for the Red to leave.

Again,

Adam, you don't have to, actually.

We want it implied, like sex in pre-code Hollywood.

The nose.

Like sex in pre-code Hollywood.

Let's get it.

You know what?

I'm waking up a little bit now.

Let's get it.

You know what?

I'm waking up a little bit.

You know what I needed?

I need a little nappy-nappy.

You know what?

And I'm not ashamed to say it.

And I picked my nose, but the red light was not on.

Let's go for the red light to go away.

Let's get Adam's nose picking camera going for all of the nose picks.

I figured that would wake you up a bit.

I'm always on your side.

Don't forget that.

It may not seem like it, but I'm sort of like the ghost of Christmas future.

I know you're on my side.

Yeah.

You gave me the best advice of

the show.

You.

Buy Bitcoin.

No.

Oh.

You told me to stop being a fucking asshole.

Yeah.

And I thought you were being mean to me.

No.

No.

You were like, just be nice to people.

And like, make them like to have a nice time with you.

It's surprising how long it's regular.

How long of a way that goes.

You can just be nice to people.

And

that's what I learned for the interviews.

You just have to be nice to people.

I was trying to do crowd work.

Be like, what do you do for a fucking living?

Oh, you're gay and stuff.

Because that's what I thought you have to do nowadays in this damn comedy climate.

I found out you just have to make people feel good to be around you.

Yeah.

And most people are fine.

It's very rare that I have a bad interaction with...

Anyone?

Yeah, unless they're, you know.

Customer service.

No, just doing their damn job.

I don't have bad interactions with customer service.

I think that's a a myth.

It's blown out of proportion over that one issue with the post office

because they would not deliver my 125 pound weight vest.

Oh, I have a question.

And I had to go down to the truck to get it myself, which I had no problem doing, but they would come by and leave the note.

I'm like, look, I know you got it on the truck.

Just let me get it off the fucking truck.

And the guy says, you're not allowed to take pictures of the truck.

It's federal property.

And that's where it's like, okay, well, that's not true.

So now we're talking about the facts of the world.

Yeah.

And that I cannot, that will not stand with me.

That I will not stand by while you

engage in some chilling effect to limit people's ability to photograph federal property.

Right.

That's our right.

Are we paid for that?

Now may I please have my weight vest.

Yes.

And what do they say?

Yeah, he gave it to me.

He's like, fine, but I'm not taking it up the stairs.

I'm like, I didn't ask you to.

I'll do it.

Now you're making a new argument for no other reason other than you're mad that somebody would order this.

And instead of finding any kind of compromise, I offered a media in the middle.

Literally.

Somebody put it on the truck with the dolly.

And then you just drive to my house.

You'll take it off the damn truck.

You don't have to take it off the truck.

Just ring the doorbell and I'll come get it.

And I had to go down and fucking get it.

And I'm like, look, I know it's on the truck.

It says it right here.

It's on the truck.

He's like, fine, but I'm not taking it up.

I'm like, you don't have to.

You don't have to.

That's where this started is you don't have to.

Just let me get it off the truck.

Yeah.

That's not unreasonable.

I was not in the wrong.

No, I don't think you were.

Yeah.

And you met a friend that day.

You made a friend.

Well, hopefully.

Hopefully.

Hopefully,

it's not about making a friend.

It's about triumphing over these small conflicts.

And through that, we discovered the human spirit.

Yeah.

The triumph of the will.

Yeah.

Like I recently found out, I have free cone day, Ben and Jerry's marked down on my phone.

And I went.

What day is it?

Would you tell me?

It's apparently has not been a thing for about a decade.

And I went there, dressed as a mentally disabled person because I figured that would give me a little more cachet.

And I can cut the line.

And they told me we stopped doing that.

And I said, but I'm retarded.

And they said, no, you're just wearing a shirt with Goofy on it.

And then in Sharpie, you wrote, I'm retarded over a picture of Goofy.

Yeah, what mentally handicapped person would wear that shirt?

I'm like, you're going to tell me I know what this says.

I can't.

Like, it's written backwards.

You did it in a mirror.

I'm like, okay, well,

can I have the ice cream?

And what do they say?

No?

They said, no.

And

do they call the police?

No, I kind of just left defeated.

But I saw there was a homeless man outside with a pit bull asking for money.

And I just very lightly stepped on the dog's foot to make it squeal.

It's a triumph.

And it, yeah, woke the homeless guy up, and he was all upset.

Then I said, I felt a little bit better about myself.

Yeah, the small victories.

It's the small that's kind of how you started the show off.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's gratitude, right?

It is.

Yeah, it is gratitude.

Stepping on an abusing an animal.

Yeah, right.

Well, it's a pit bull, you know.

It's a pit bull.

If it was a.

It's already abused.

Yeah, if it was a Pomeranian, I wouldn't do it.

Yeah.

If it was a show dog.

We bred these dogs to hurt, for pain.

No.

It's their job, kind of.

Yeah.

You know what?

$2,000 surgery?

I had to get my dog?

Oh.

No, you know, her ear filled with food.

Him, you mean, now, after the surgery?

No, I'm not doing that.

Oh, I thought you were.

I don't believe in that.

What?

You don't believe in transfer identities?

I'm not going to impose it on my dog.

A dog can decide for herself.

Yeah.

It's just going away.

I didn't get the surgery.

I'm by itself.

Yeah, it's just going to work by itself.

Yeah, veterinarians are kind of a scam.

They're scammers.

Yeah.

It's very low stakes.

This guy was like making it sound like.

You know what makes me think that veterinarians are a scam?

Because like a doctor has to go to school for what, fucking six, seven years?

Well, eight years.

Eight years.

You go to medical school for eight years.

And then a residency.

And a residency

to do medicine on one type of animal.

And a vet.

Yeah, you know every animal?

A vet's like, what, three weeks of night school?

Yeah, I can do a horse and a fly.

No, literally.

They have like, there'll be somebody, like, you're doing a golden retriever's testicles, and then somebody comes in with a parrot, and you're like, oh, we got to do a beak transplant.

And you're like, I don't understand.

How do you know all of them?

Right, it doesn't.

You're lying.

It is.

They're lying.

They're just seeing what happens.

They're lying.

They know how to do stitches, and then they fucking just do it and cross their fingers.

They're mechanics.

You ever see the way they prepare a bird for surgery?

No.

They knock it out and then they like tape its wings.

They look really stupid.

I love them, dude.

I love Macaws.

You got to get one.

I don't know.

When I was in college,

you always go engage in fantasy.

We've been lucky that we've pursued the thing that we wanted to do and had enough success that we can actually do it.

I have a lot of gratitude.

And, you know, I know if I hadn't, you know, I would have some job, whatever it is, and be like, oh,

and and I'd spend all day long, yeah, I'd hate it, but I'd spend all day long being like, what if I could have been a comedian?

And I'd imagine that, you know, well, I could get started now.

And, you know, maybe I would do an open mic or something.

You know, you, but if you have the thing, you still engage in fantasies.

And it's like, I often think, like, just how sick it would be to work at some kind of nature preserve and just do field trips.

Yeah.

And just like be like, check this fucking guy out, dude.

Talk to kids,

show the kids this stuff.

Yeah.

That'd be cool.

His beak's that big he has to get the juices out of the coon quat yeah and

wild coon quats a lot of people don't know this about toucans but a big problem with toucans in captivity is they get diabetes because in the wild they eat fruits and then owners get the toucans and they're like well i'll feed it fruits because that's what it eats in the wild but wild fruits aren't like cultivated fruits like cultivated fruits have way more sugar in them like natural fruits are disgusting like the original banana when we found it they weren't sweet at all you know they had to breed them.

It was like a plantain.

Yeah, so people get a toucan and they feed it.

They're like, oh, it wants strawberries.

You know, and then it gets fucking diabetes.

Driscolls.

They're from the supermarket.

Their tongues will fall out.

Will they?

Yeah, it loses because their tongue is so big, it loses circulation.

It just fucking falls out.

And then they die.

It's very sad.

Those are beautiful animals.

Those are great birds.

Toucans.

Yeah, yeah.

When I was in Costa Rica, I saw a bunch.

I also saw a bunch of macaws that were all like populating in one place, and it was like the loudest thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

It was like loud.

It was like it was like a truck.

They were ever in a birthday party for you.

A two-year-old.

They were in Kinsiniera style.

Yeah.

They had a bed.

Yeah.

A cookout, a macaw cookout.

Yeah, yeah, at the park.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I remember like, yeah, Mexican families when I was growing up would love, they'd just have the biggest birthdays.

It would always be at the park.

Yeah.

And that John Wilson show.

They had

they had like a, they were doing like a, an episode on pollution and like noise pollution.

He starts off getting his ears cleaned.

Oh, yeah, I saw that one.

Yeah.

And then he goes, and then there's a, he interviews a lady.

He's like, yeah, my downstairs neighbors, they're having a birthday party for

a one-year-old at two o'clock in the morning.

I'm like,

okay.

Yeah.

I know.

And then

it's a Burning Man couple.

And I was like, well, color me fucking racist.

Yeah.

I did not see that one coming.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I really thought it would be that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I saw that exact episode.

I was going to tell you about that because he gets the earwax taken out.

Yeah.

And that was exactly what you were complaining about a couple months ago.

Yeah.

And that was, I tell you, I watched the amount of earwax that came out of his ear.

He can't hold.

You had a lot more.

I got a candle that came out of my ear that he couldn't hold

what came out of my ear.

Yeah.

The amount of wax.

Did they let you keep it?

I did it myself.

You did it yourself.

Yeah.

You got to be careful.

Do you want to rupture your ear?

No, they make a thing now.

Because I used to go to CVS and they would always have like you're doing

it.

Do it yourself kiss.

And throughout my entire life, anytime I've gone to CVS and gotten one of the remove your own ear wax kits, it ends up with a trip to urgent kits.

Almost every single time it just fucking I jam the plastic.

I can't fucking

be deaf.

I'm like, it's fucking it's like there's like fluid leaking.

I boxed my ears.

Right.

I'm like, there's ringing happening, and I'm like, can you fix what CVS did to me?

And

but now they've got a thing finally.

The last one I bought, last time I was at CVS, the last time I went to get my ears cleaned, it was like a little screwdriver.

It was like a screw.

It was like a drill, like a plastic drill that you twist in.

So it has like a stop so it can't hit the eardrum?

Yeah, yeah.

It was like a spiral that's supposed to like dig it out.

And that did nothing.

It just kind of like lopped around the earwax.

But now they have a thing.

It's like a syringe.

And on the tip of the syringe it's like a spear with three

channels on it yeah so the water comes out and it hits the back of your eardrum and then it pushes the wax through the channels in the syringe so it just pushes it out how much do you get uh all of it i mean it's cleared out you i just like a vw beetle i mean it was like fucking yeah it was like uh like a like a like a the like um

A marble, but marbles are variable size.

I'm trying to think.

It's like a slammer pog.

Slightly less than a golf ball, I'd say.

In totality.

That's fucked up.

Yeah, it wasn't the shape, but in terms of volume.

Yeah.

But

yeah, a little bit of a hydrogen peroxide to loosen it up.

Yeah.

Wait ten minutes, fucking sh, and then it's a fucking, yeah.

Yeah, it's just, it's like squeezes out.

It's like toothpaste.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah, it's disgusting.

Unreal.

Yeah.

Like peanut butter.

Look like peanut butter.

Do you eat it?

No.

No.

You're the one that picks your nose and does weird stuff like that.

I pick my nose because I don't.

I have a big nose.

Why is it like my girlfriend?

My girlfriend's got a tiny little nose.

She's not picking her nose.

That's not an excuse.

When you get your nose stuffed up more.

That's not an excuse.

I have a big nose.

That doesn't.

And I can make more congested.

No, that doesn't.

It doesn't make sense.

No, it doesn't make...

No, that doesn't.

That would be something like, oh, I'm a big ass, so I have to scoop feces out of my ass with my hand.

It doesn't make any sense.

Just blow your nose.

If you're making the argument that you have more boogers because your nose is bigger, I think I wouldn't have to do it.

Just blow your nose.

I do blow it, but then I'm still boogery.

I'm just a boogery guy, dude.

Yeah.

Look, I'm a snotty booger.

I pick my nose.

We all pick my nose.

But

I do it in a

study, like moderate way.

Yeah.

In a way that's.

I do like this.

No, you do it all day long

all day long

how many times

we've been sitting here for an hour and five minutes and in that time frame you've done it five times

it's not that bad that's once every 20 minutes you're picking your nose

and i do this i scratch i do the scratch too yeah but i don't i'm not digging in there you're digging

a lot of real estate dude yeah a lot of real estate.

All right, I don't think that's the issue.

I don't think that's the issue.

All right, should we wrap things up?

You know, I mean,

okay, yeah, we can wrap things up.

Look, do what you want, do whatever you want.

I'm just saying,

I know this about you.

Everyone thinks it's gross.

I don't think you want to be known as a booger eater.

I don't eat them.

I pick them.

You think?

And I put them in my pocket.

You think I'm going to fall for that?

You think I don't know what happens when no one else is around?

Why?

Oh, that thing is the cameras.

Not the cameras.

Just what I know.

Who told?

I think I told you.

Yeah.

Well.

I don't eat my boogers.

I don't eat my boogers.

It's fine if you do.

It's fine if you don't, as long as you can find gratitude.

Yeah.

At least you always have that.

All right, brothers and sisters, thanks again for joining us this week.

If you like the show, please support us, patreon.com slash TAFS.

Next week in Washington, D.C.

Washington, D.C.

September, I think, 19th, I will be at the Wilbur Theater in Boston.

Please come out.

And then, yeah, I mean, Denver's already sold for this weekend, but be there doing the special.

And then I guess Stephen's going out of town, but he'll be back

mid-October or mid or beginning of October.

Yeah.

He's going to Greece as well.

Yeah, and then he's thinking maybe like a three-week turnaround on the edit.

And then, yeah, just figure figure out a time to drop it.

And then, you know,

hopefully people see it.

And I can continue touring next year.

It's going to be amazing.

In a way where,

you know, it kind of makes sense.

We can figure out a better balance with the show and touring where there's time to work on this.

And then maybe just, you know, one weekend a month or however it works out.

Guys.

There are four episodes, four interviews, we're going to go.

Stay tuned.

And a lot more guests that we're talking to right now.

So we have have a lot in the works.

Thanks a lot, guys.

Thanks, guys.

Love you.

Bye.

See ya.

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