The Adam Friedland Show Retro Style Podcast – Episode 5

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Welcome to the Adam Freeland Show, everybody.

This is

April or May

the 3rd

2023

it is day three of the writers

guild strike yeah

we got delivery McDonald's I am playing her today folks

this is it feels like top five hangover ever really it feels bad you seem like you're in good spirits though

with my friend, you know?

Yeah.

So what happened last night?

I went to the Knicks game.

I kept ordering Patron.

I don't know.

It was kind of started as a bit.

Yeah, I fucked myself up.

Tequila fucks you up, dude.

It makes me.

It's the worst hangover.

I feel so bad.

Yeah.

I feel so bad.

Take your hat off.

Let's get a better look at you.

Let's get the light in your eyes.

Take your glasses off, too.

I don't feel good.

I took Caleb as a wedding gift.

Pull your hair back.

Open your eyes and look directly into the stage lights.

Is it going away?

That might be sneezing.

I don't know if it works for hangovers, but I thought maybe we'd try it.

Ah!

No, sorry.

That's hiccups.

Sorry.

You really did scare me.

What's the one for hangovers?

Here, look into the light again.

Ah!

No.

Oh, okay.

No, the light hurts.

The light hurts.

Alright.

I kept ordering Patron.

What's the Knicks playoff game yesterday?

Patron at the cup almost killed a thug.

Yeah.

I thought it was like Pimp.

And I just kept going Patron.

I did one of those things.

We got Caleb and I got so drunk, I did one of those TikTok interview

with just a drunk guy in line while I was going to get Patron.

That sounds really funny.

Did you record it for the show?

We need content.

It's probably on my phone.

The Sweater Brothers are on the picket line right now.

Yeah, we don't have our riders.

The Sweater Brothers are on the picket line right now.

This is

funny, dude.

I'm wai I'm wasted in this.

David's got a sign going into his zipper.

Nicks win a chip or your girl

gets a train run on her.

I can't answer that one.

Would you rather the Knicks win a chip or your girl

has train run on her?

Is this an either or?

Either or.

No, nothing's happening to my girl.

So I'll take a Knicks loss tonight.

Nick's loss.

It didn't work.

Normally they're like, I would let my girl, I would let the whole team hit

if it means a Knicks championship.

It sounds like it went off without a hitch.

No, this guy said he'd rather lose than have black men gangbang his girlfriend.

Oh, you specified the black train?

No, I didn't say that, but I said your girl run train, and I implied it was the team running the train.

Maybe I didn't do it the right way.

I was.

I failed at that, you know.

Any 12-year-old could do that.

I can't even do that right.

There's a whole 12-year-old economy now of making TikTok interview videos.

They're so good at it, you know.

Are they?

I don't know.

Better than me.

Well, I am not hungover.

What did you do last night?

I had a tuna sandwich.

Eight hours of sleep.

No, I slept pretty bad.

I got acid reflux from having a late-night tuna sandwich.

I love tuna sandwiches.

Really good.

I love tuna sandwiches.

What's your preparation?

I go to the bodega and I order a tuna sandwich.

Oh, you have a man make it for you?

That's the other thing.

I'm not vegan anymore.

Yeah, he's pescatarian.

Well, full disclosure, I guess I've been cheating the whole time.

Because I've been taking fish oil the whole time.

I've looked into the vegan omega-3s and

I don't think they really work.

And I sort of get brain fogged, And I figure if I'm already killing fish by eating the fish oil,

then I might as well eat,

you know.

Where's the fish oil come from?

Can fish eat pain?

Is that bad?

Paint?

Pain.

Can fish feel pain?

Dolphins.

Well, I'm not eating dolphins.

They can't feel pain.

Dave says that fish cannot feel pain.

They have trauma if they're caught.

They have trauma if they're caught.

What does that mean?

But don't people catch them and throw them back back all the time?

So when you throw fish back, he dies?

From the pain?

No, it's because of the trauma.

What?

What?

What does that mean?

So they have emotions, but they don't have, they can't feel physical pain?

I don't believe, Dave.

I don't believe a damn word coming out of his mouth.

He's a goddamn liar.

Well, anyways,

now people can get mad mad at me for that.

I feel like it's like a gang the vegans?

Yeah, yeah, yeah

They did not do a good job of packing McDonald's

yeah,

oh you have a problem with your McDonald's?

I'm gonna call

call and complain

Anyway, so um

you had you sent bad acid reflex.

It's the writer's strike

and our um team of women of color riders are picketing outside right now.

Plus the Sweater Brothers.

And the Sweater Brothers.

Yeah.

Now what's this strike over?

They

want

less Jews in the writer's room.

Less Jews in the writer's room.

Hollywood is trying to make less Jews in the writer's room, and we will not stand for it.

It'd be funny to go see those picket lines and it's just a bunch of Jewish guys sitting and folding chairs, holding signs.

Drinking liquid.

Just hoodies.

Yeah.

Yeah, just like front zip hoodies.

Yeah.

It's cold out here.

We will not surrender.

Yeah.

McDonald's breakfast, babes.

Are you picking this up in the mic?

Is it obnoxious, Dave?

The chewing?

I'm sure it is obnoxious.

Our Kurig still hasn't arrived.

I gotta wake up.

I gotta drink more coffee.

But yeah, I slept pretty bad last night.

Tossing and turning.

Were you feeling solidarity for the riders?

In what way?

Well, because you're a laborer.

I don't feel solidarity for anybody.

Really?

No, I'm alone in this world.

But it was just May Day.

Yeah, it was.

What is that?

What is that?

What is May Day?

It's when a plane goes down.

Yeah, but what is the day?

What are we celebrating on May Day?

I don't know, something with the workers.

Yeah.

Celebrating renowned workers like Bob the Builder.

Bob the Builder.

Bob Vila.

Bob Vila.

Tim Allen's friend from...

Yeah.

Honestly, that's kind of rude that this strike happened as soon as I was getting back into television.

Really?

Yeah.

I watched no new shows besides this.

The last new show.

I watched all of Barry.

I'm like caught up on Barry.

Yeah.

I'm excited to watch more Barry.

But they don't write it every week.

It's not like South Park.

I know.

It's probably already done.

And then they can just air it.

Yeah.

But,

you know, Fallon,

gone.

It's a damn shame.

And, like, just when we were being welcomed into their community, now we're the last remaining.

Yeah.

No, we actually,

we're way beyond.

We're further.

We own the means of production.

We do.

But there is no production company to make it.

Biacom does not tell us what to do.

This is the most communist show there is.

We are the workers and we've taken the factory.

We made our own.

We got her story,

her fact, her.

That's amazing.

We're working in the fact hurry.

That's right.

Yeah.

That's right.

F-A-C-T-H-E-R-Y.

Fact.

Fact.

Fact.

Her.

Her.

Why?

Because I got a.

You didn't really body that one.

Yeah, they can't tell us shit.

They can't tell us shit.

I don't know anything about fucking I don't know any Michael Eisner.

I don't know Harvey Weinstein.

I never I don't I've never met him I know the Adam Friedland Show Studios.

Mm-hmm.

And in Manhattan,

you know, the in gorgeous Manhattan.

Stalin could never do that.

I feel like every now every celebrity that's doing press, right

and promotion has no choice but to do it on our program.

That's true.

And they have to come on and support the Writer Strike.

Has anyone come out against the Writer-Strike?

I don't know.

I don't think so.

In 2007, I think the only person that did was Bill Maher.

Outside of producers, obviously.

He did.

Yeah, Bill Maher was like, it's bad.

When he was on ABC?

Yeah, I don't know.

What was he on in 2007?

I think fucking

real time.

That might have been a long time.

He lost his

politically incorrect right after 9-11 because he said that the Al-Qaeda were brave.

Were brave.

And that was big facts.

Yeah.

He was only spinning truths there.

Yeah, but he took an L with the writer's strike.

He really fell off.

Yeah.

He used to be pro-A-Qaeda.

He used to be a good guy.

And now he's just complaining about millennials.

We should get him on the complaint about the writer's strike.

I would love him on.

He's a dream guest.

I tweeted at him.

What do they want?

What are they negotiating for?

Let's see what the demands are.

Let's just make them up.

We already went to the phone once to listen to your video.

I thought it was pretty good.

Would you...

Would you want the Knicks to win?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We don't need to repeat the joke, but slow.

They run train.

The slower you say it, the funnier.

All the questions are always about running train.

And the slower you say it, the funnier, it gets.

What if you came home and they were running train on your wife?

And I say, well, the Knicks better win this goddamn championship.

That's right, brother.

I'd say a million dollars on the Knicks.

One million dollars.

Guaranteed championship.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My wife, a train is being run on her.

The snow piercer has been run on my

wife.

What was the name of the guy that used to tie women up and put them on the train?

He had a mustache.

Dick Dastardly.

Dick Dastardly.

Yeah.

And with a name like that, what else are you gonna do?

Tie women.

You're gonna fucking answer phones at the bank?

No.

Yeah.

No.

You're gonna kidnap.

This is Dick Dastardly, your account rep.

Yeah.

His mustache is just brushing against the fucking microphone the whole time.

Or the headset.

They were like, what's going on there?

Are you Is a cat trying to shit?

What is that noise?

No, it's my giant mustache.

When you worked at a call center, were there any guys that were trying to smash?

Smash the chicks on the phone.

Oh,

I thought you meant me.

No, no.

So, you know, any guys that were like, oh, you sound alright.

No, 99%.

You would find it hard to believe, but it's true.

I was one of the least autistic people there.

Really?

I was like, I was as close.

You're the most well-adjusted person.

I was as close to you can get, especially when I worked at night shift.

The fucking freaks that would work the night shift at the call center.

There was a guy that had a staff, and it may have had a skull on top of it, but he had a fucking staff.

He was gandal.

No, he would walk around with a staff, and then he had like a t-shirt that he would wear that was like a like bomb squad, you know, but it was like

technical support.

Oh, okay.

It was stylized like bomb squad.

I may even have said bomb squad, you know, 15 years ago, but it was like tech support.

But it's it's like you know no one can see that shirt you're on the phone yeah you're I don't know who you're wearing this shirt for the other girl you don't even have to wear clothes at night

you could be completely naked yeah there was a girl that would bring a doll in and put the doll on the on her desk oh no and then brush the doll's hair oh no what happened to her I don't know something bad yeah right something bad yeah it can't be any worse than working fucking night shift technical support for dial-up internet service providers

so you never you never asked a girl if she wanted

you and the staff guy to run train?

On the phone?

Yeah.

No, never.

You're like, let me tell you something, I got this staff guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, there was one guy, I remember, one of the funniest things I ever saw, there was a guy, he would bring a laptop in, and he would watch, I don't even think they had a name for it yet.

I mean, they must have.

They must have been, like, you know, the YouTube thing, Let's Plays.

You know that?

No.

Where someone will play the entirety of a video game, but it's not like a speed run.

They'll just play through the game and record it.

Okay.

And other people will just watch the game being played.

Isn't that what Twitch is?

Yeah, but there's no, they're not in it.

It's just a screen cap of the game.

It's just Mario jumping.

They're just watching.

Yeah, and

he was watching a video of someone playing Wind Waker.

Like

the Zelda game.

The Zelda game for GameCube.

He was just watching somebody play Wind Waker, and he's on the phone, and he's like, just click, just click.

He's like losing his fucking mind at this old man.

He's like, click, just click on the, just click on the start button.

It's the start.

And then hitting hitting mute, it's the start button, you fucking fuck, you old fuck.

Just and then unmuting and then like, click, just click on it, just click on it, just click on it, just screaming at the top.

And like a manager had to come over and be like, John, John, John, you know, stop him.

And he throws the headset off and he's like hyperventilating and they had to bring him a hot chocolate.

He was like,

just with like Wind Waker playing next to him.

So they were nice to the people that worked there?

Everyone that was in a management position at that company, like even like this, like the senior executives like the vps and stuff they all i think almost all of them started on the floor so like there was upward mobility but i mean it was like it was like warfare basically

you know it was like it's just it is a brutal job because it's non-stop it's fucking all day long just like you know like and then it's not like there's any real problems to solve ever right it's always like an someone that doesn't know how to use an old person like hovering their finger over a button, being like, I don't know how to press the button.

And you're like, well, just press it.

They're like, what do you mean?

Well, just drop your finger down on the button.

Like this?

And you're like, no, just the way it's your finger's already over the button.

So just drop your finger onto the button.

That's all you have to do.

And they're like, well, I'm like this.

And you're like, no.

See how your finger's over the button?

Just let gravity drop.

It's fucking insane.

And it's 30 minutes of that.

Do you get mad at them?

It's infuriating.

And you can't, I mean, like, you know.

Also, a room full of autistic.

You also have to feel bad because, especially at that job, it's like this old people, like, they're subjected to technology, right?

They have to have this shit.

And they have no.

It's just going to happen.

So it's fucking everybody.

You're going to be 80 years old and there's going to be a bunch of lasers going into your fucking head.

And I'm going to be like, yeah.

You know, and then your fucking grandson's going to be like, just stare at the laser.

Just stare into it.

and you're gonna be like I don't know how like I need to do this to see your baseball game.

I don't understand why can't I just come to the game?

They're like are you insane?

What are you a racist?

What do you mean come to the baseball?

You're like all right.

All right.

All right

I'll try to stare at the laser your fucking body's decrepit.

I mean, yeah, you know, you feel bad for them.

It's horrible.

But it's you know for a minimum wage just to like have and you might be the first person they've spoken to all day.

Right, yeah.

They're all alone.

And that's this first thing.

As soon as you log in, like, boop.

And then it starts.

So when you hang up and call it.

And then the call ends, right?

And you can

finalize the note before you can even finish the notes.

Like, hello?

Like, it's just fucking

right away.

Yeah.

What's email mean?

You know, it's just fucking not stopped.

So people would like, yeah, they would like to lose.

How do you get away with not doing work at that job?

What are the hats?

Me and Norman worked there together.

Yeah.

And there was another guy that Norman was friends with who just,

for six months, He was like, he moved over to work from home.

For six months, he would log in and then just put the headset down and then just go fuck off.

And

it took six months for them to audit his calls and realize that he had not taken a single call.

He was just collecting a paycheck.

Yeah.

And did he show up?

He just like left his house.

No, he was working from home.

I was working from home.

So he would log in and then just put the fucking thing aside.

Or leave his house, presumably.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

And then he would just be like, oh, yeah, there's a problem with the phone.

And then when you work from home, too, there was like stuff that's like, you know, you have to, the phone uses

like power over Ethernet or whatever.

So anytime you really want to bail out a call, you could just fucking unplug the thing.

And it'd be like, ah, my phone, I guess, reset itself or something.

Yeah.

Yeah, and just hang up on people.

And then just your luck, they'd call back and get you again.

Out of 200 people that work in the call.

We were just speaking, weren't we?

Is it Nicholas?

It sounds like Nicholas.

This This is Vikram.

No.

No, it's not.

No, it's not.

I know it's not.

I know.

You're so funny.

No, it's Vikram, and I'm going to kill myself.

Yeah, no, that job was fucking...

Yeah, they said, like, a super high turnover rate, so they didn't really give a fuck.

I didn't show up for work for like three days.

I think I've told all these stories before.

I didn't show up for work for like three days and like I was scheduled.

I just got dr drunk and hung out with friends and

and uh yeah I showed up to work on the fourth day just like very hungover and I had a black eye and I logged in and I um my manager was like hey can you come to my desk for a second

and he's like so

like what happened you didn't call or show for three days and he but he didn't once he once he saw what I looked like he was kind of just taken aback.

And I was like, yeah, I was sick.

And he was like, okay, well, I hope you feel better.

And that was the end of it.

Really?

Yeah, no, they just didn't because they have to retain people.

Yeah, they're really just trying to not lose people.

They had a whole they had like a whole classroom, yeah.

And it was like they were constantly hiring every week.

There were 20 new employees.

They would always have to hire like because they would lose that many people every week just because the job is like it just, yeah, it's rough, it sucks.

You know, who's gonna replace that?

AI, AI, dude.

Yeah.

How about The King and AI?

Mm-hmm.

And it's a Chinese guy.

He's like, oh, wow, I hate your computer.

And the computer's like, why are you so mad at me?

Yeah.

And then they fall in love.

Yeah.

A Chinese guy falling in love with Siri.

With Siri?

It's called The King and AI.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Had did you see that Spike Jones movie where Joaquin dates his computer?

Her?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That movie was stupid.

They should have called it HER.

Herd.

No, her.

Her.

It's still the same movie, but it's her.

There's emphasis on it.

Yeah.

And it's about

a black woman

taking

her life back.

That's right.

After everything was taken from her.

Yeah, they should have called it she.

She.

Her.

She, her.

She, her.

She, her.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They should have called it they.

Yeah.

My pronouns are Ben, her.

And I'm a gay.

I'm gay Charlton Eston.

Should we watch Ben Hurr while the LEDs are being installed today?

Yeah.

Oh, they're being installed today.

Yeah, at 11.

Oh, I thought he was just coming to take measurements.

No, no, they're being installed.

Oh, that's amazing.

Yeah.

Oh, awesome.

Are you excited?

Yeah, definitely now.

I thought he was just coming and measuring.

Folks, we're getting LEDs.

Yeah, so if you can...

Yeah, Dave, go wide.

So these things,

there's actually, I mean, I guess you can see some of the texture.

There's LED strips behind these arches, and they're not, they've never been bright enough that you can really,

these are velvet yeah crushed you have crushed velvet on all these walls and it doesn't really pick up on the cameras and it was because the LEDs weren't bright enough and then we're thinking you know some talk of maybe shooting light at the background but then that then it's there's too much and so hopefully the new LEDs resolves that issue it's going to be incredible I know we said we're almost done with the studio and that'll continue but once once those are fixed because these ones just burned out completely yeah no I think that that's the wiring I don't think it's okay well once those are in and we get the this hair light fixed whatever needs to be fixed so that we can get your hair looking super greasy yeah in those interviews and then uh yeah I guess we need the two booms up here and then

and then that's it and then that's it no more pre-production stuff yep I guess I have to fix that fourth chair we bought yeah we have to what you have to do a little welding and soldering yeah I don't know if yeah.

And I think just add some wires to it.

Mm-hmm.

'Cause I want that's going to be my little bit of wire.

And it's just boo boo-boo.

Just a little bit hydraulic.

I'm turning it into the spider from Wild Wild West.

That would be so sick.

Yeah, it would be.

To get this the Wild Wild West surgery, to get your legs cut off, and just have it just be spider.

Stephen Hawking should have had that.

I would have respected that.

He should have.

They should have, yeah, instead of coming up with space, he should have invented the spider from Wild Wild West.

That's what I would do if I was disabled.

Of course, man.

Yeah.

Who's that?

Kenneth Branagh?

Huh?

Was it Sir Kenneth Branagh?

I have no idea.

I think it was.

I saw that

in theaters.

I did too.

Yeah.

That's really kind of like an ableist sort of movie.

Why is that?

Well, you'd say this is the kind of, if we don't check disabled people, this is what they're going to do.

They're going to turn their wheelchair,

steampunk, they're going to turn their wheelchair into a giant spider and try to bring slavery back.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

I mean, am I wrong?

No, I think you're right.

Did I miss the point of that movie?

Well, I thought the point of that movie was that in the olden days there were black special agents for the government.

He's a captain in the army.

Oh, he's an army captain.

Jim West.

Wild, Wild West.

Yeah, but his name was also Jim West.

Yeah.

The original script was called Jungle West.

Yeah.

And then they said no.

I think it was originally called Wilding Out West.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

He was doing sketch and improv comedy from the top of the dome.

Child West.

Child Child West.

Yeah, I thought that was the title of the movie.

Yeah, Child, Child West.

Yeah.

Pretty good.

Yeah.

I I it was actually Wild, Wild Breast and Will Smith had just huge tits.

That's a movie I would like to see.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Everybody said, you can't be an army captain.

Why?

'Cause I'm black?

No, because you have giant tits.

Giant tits.

Yeah.

And it's 1886.

Where'd you even get those tits from?

How is that possible?

Yeah, where'd you get giant tits, Wilson?

I wonder when the first breast augmentation surgery was.

Probably fucking 10,000 BC.

Probably like

some caveman knocking a woman out in the clouds.

You gotta look this up.

Immediately, just like just stuffing berries into a wound that he created.

Make titty bigger.

I have to make woman titty bigger.

He speaks English for some reason.

I'll go in movies, Cavemen, they always just they, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.

Yeah, they speak English, they just know half the words.

Uh, yeah.

Me, make fire.

Yeah.

Um,

1895.

Oh, so right around...

Right around the Wild World West.

Yeah.

So it's period appropriate.

Yeah.

What's the story?

It's like this website.

It's like a thing that's been mentioned on like.

like look at this website history

yes this is a good website guys

um it's like a story that's been mentioned on multiple podcasts about how the giant spider was supposed to be in back to the future and then there was some studio exactive that's like oh man i love this fucking spider and then they had to like figure out a way to use that in a movie and that was what are you talking about the wild west the wild wild west was just a star vehicle for the giant spider really i i remember hearing that where'd you hear it on it?

I don't know.

It's unlike it's one of those.

It's one of those things?

Yeah, it's the thing that,

you know, like podcast guys talk about.

History of...

Maybe I made it up and I'm remembering the thing I made it up.

I think it's a lie that you started that now everyone believes.

Yeah.

In ancient societies, Egypt, Roman, and parts of India, surgical body modifications were made to help wounded soldiers.

Where can we find about breasts?

Oh, modern-day breast implants are a relatively new technology.

I just want to see who the first,

who the legend was.

Oh, Austrian Dr.

Robert

Gersuny.

Yeah.

Another thing to know.

This guy's a legend.

Another thing.

But that was your thing, like, well, you know, Hitler did some good stuff, and then that's the only thing you can cite is breast augmentation.

In the year 1890, Austrian Dr.

Robert Gersny

started this entire breast enhancement magic by injecting paraffin oil into women's chests.

The initial results looked fabulous, but over time breasts grew very hard and lumpy.

In some cases, extreme infections also occurred.

This man killed

hundreds of women.

And that's awesome.

That's what it caused.

This guy, this guy is awesome.

That's our awesome story.

By the time 1920 came, the procedure was abandoned.

Yeah, he couldn't figure it out.

During World War II, some of the Japanese prostitutes revealed the secret to their perfect-looking breast silicon injections.

So that comes from

the other guys.

Yeah.

We don't give them enough credit for that.

Yeah.

Good for them.

And we wanted to bomb them.

And we did.

We did.

Yeah.

We did.

Early breast augmentations.

Yeah.

And what do you what do you what's your fit today Adam?

You got a salmon pig salmon cardigan.

Yeah, you want to do fit check?

You got sambas?

I'm wearing the same clothes I wear every single day.

Cobbs Comedy Club front zip hoodie.

Kind of nice.

Yeah.

That hoodie.

Yeah, it was nice they gave it.

Nice pair of khaki pants.

These are just jeans.

Khaki jeans.

Yeah, yeah.

Salmon, salmon cardigan,

jeans,

sweater, jeans, Vineyard Vines, Duck Dynasty crossover.

Kind of.

Yeah.

Is Duck Dynasty still on?

I don't know.

What was that show about?

It's a family that invented the duck whistle.

I know they're like billionaires.

Yeah, they just ride ATVs to each other's houses.

They're mad rich.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Off duck whistles.

Nope.

Is that what ducks sound like?

I don't know, dude.

It's like that.

Ba!

Bawkee!

Bawky!

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah.

It's a queef.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Something like that.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, the writer's strike.

Dude, where do you think this is going to end?

Let's play bets.

Hopefully, long enough for our show to

really, really take

get a foothold.

Get a foothold.

Yeah.

You know, we become a must, you know, a go-to stop on any press and tour.

Not must-CTV.

Bust-CTV.

Bust CTV.

When you watch it, you nut.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, ideally speaking, we make enough money.

Because

I know this about the Cosby show, right?

Cosby almost bought NBC, right?

Because his show was so successful, he almost bought the whole damn network.

How about Bill Santa Claus be?

Okay.

He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

I'm Barack Obama and I'm Bill Cosby and I'm Santa Claus.

That's pretty good.

And I'm gay.

And I'm gay.

And I'm gay.

And I'm a

Spanish fly.

Spanish fly.

Is that an actual fly?

What is that?

I think they put bugs in your drink and then they have sex with you while you're passing.

Do you think in the fly community that

other flies?

They're like, look, pal, we eat shit.

Yeah.

We don't rape women.

Yeah, exactly.

We have, we're on thin ice.

We have standards.

We are on thin ice.

Yeah, I eat dead bodies.

Yeah.

We get to eat shit for a living because spiders, the worst bug,

have decided we're their enemies.

Yeah, and this swarthy Latino.

That's why they tell you don't kill spiders because they actually kill the bugs that Bill Cosby uses to rape women.

You see a spider in your house.

It's true.

It's true.

Yeah.

You think it's scary, but it's actually a hero.

Saving women.

That was his plot.

Wild, blah, blah, blah.

It was.

I may be disabled, but I'm going to stop Bill Cosby.

They said the disabled man could never stop Bill Cause, but we'll see about that.

It's true.

Today's episode is brought to you by a new sponsor, Freeze Pipes.

Should we show that?

Yeah, of course.

Let's get this.

It's a visual medium.

So Freeze Pipes.

Dude, you guys are really going to like this crap.

And you're going to say, what the hell is Freeze Pipes?

Well, it's right there in the name.

I thought you said Freeze pops.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

We're not talking Flintstones here.

This is the big boy stuff.

This is for grown-ups.

Freeze pipes are pipes that have, what is it, glycerin?

Glycerin.

Glycerin.

So if you're a fan of the band Bush, you'll love freeze pipes.

Let's see.

These pipes have the glycerin, yeah.

Start with the small one.

We'll work our way up the pad.

All right.

Yeah, let's see what they sent over.

This is the best.

This is for freeze pipe unboxing video.

This is for drugs.

Don't open it that way.

That makes it look like you're you're just, you have to be respectful of their product.

So take their

this is the shipping box.

So show them the actual box.

Okay.

Look at this.

This looks like

a watch for your boss.

Yeah.

You know?

That looks like you worked 40 years, you're retiring.

They're giving you that.

Yeah.

They're like, you've done so much here.

You've done so much for

Bob Dickhead Chevrolet.

that we've we're presenting you with this.

Oh, is that magnetized?

Yeah, it is.

There's a little magnet over there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a magnet.

magnetized box, right?

That is nice.

We're presenting you with this.

And let's see what it is.

It's foam.

Take the foam out.

We've gotten you a box of foam.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah, so you take this piece of foam out.

Look, there's a couple of easy steps here.

I'll show you.

You can say, but this freeze pipes, that seems complicated.

Yeah, that seems...

Yeah.

There's a box.

What the hell, guys?

I don't want any part of that.

A lot easier than you think.

There's not even a latch.

It's a magnet.

You open the box up.

And then you're saying, what the hell?

What the hell is this?

It's just foam.

It's foam, it's just foam.

But there's a surprise.

Not only do you get a free piece of foam, they could use, look, as sound-dampening material.

So when you're like, not now, honey, I'm smoking weed.

Yeah.

You can jam the foam in your ears.

Yeah, don't blame me.

I was smoking weed.

Yeah, I can't hear the other cars honking.

I'm fucked up on weed.

I'm high off of weed.

With With the foam that I get.

The foam I get.

With my foam.

Wow, with free foam.

So you put the foam in your ear.

And then you take the free.

You take this.

You say, what do you say?

Wow, I can't believe I get all this free foam.

Yeah, yeah.

Guess what?

More foam.

Yeah.

Foam that is surrounding the piece.

The piece.

Yeah.

The piece.

They got bingers, bubblers, and pieces.

You put this part over your nose, I think.

And then the other one.

That's free, and that's free.

That's free.

That's free.

That goes there.

And the other one goes in your ear.

So you don't have to listen to your fucking bitch.

I don't know.

You can't see it.

You can't see it right now.

Yeah.

But you look great.

Okay.

I look like I'm a guy that knows how to fucking smoke weed.

You look like a weed expert.

So you tear off some of the foam, you put that in your ears.

You look like Bob Gob Damn Marley.

And then you say,

let's show him this piece.

Now I'm ready to freeze my pipe.

Okay, so what does that mean, freeze your pipe?

So this thing's got,

you see this little choo-choo train part?

Wow.

It's got,

I can't see anything.

Okay, you mean you, you, you.

Well, you know what?

I'm sorry, I messed up the steps.

I know I said it was simple, but you put the foam on your face after

you freeze the pipe.

So it's got a hat, and I guess that goes...

It goes in the bowl.

Well, you put the hat on.

I know, you put it in the bowl.

You put the hat on, and then the glycerin is in here.

What's that?

Yeah, the glycerin is in the twirly, whirly part.

The twirly whirly part.

So what happens is...

You empty the glycerin out.

No, you don't.

Oh, the new

Adam, your jacket.

Your jacket's ruining the freeze pipe, breathe.

And then see this hole here?

It fits perfectly into your mouth.

Wow.

Let's get that on camera.

Sorry.

It goes through the hole.

Wow.

So the glycerin part, that's what you freeze.

So then once you get here, you put your entire head in the freezer.

Nick, can I ask you a question?

And you leave it there for about two and a half minutes.

Can you put it back in your mouth?

Yeah.

I can smoke weed out of that too.

Smoke weed out of that.

Oh, my God.

It's mostly just to keep

the foam cool.

So what you do is you freeze your pipe.

You put your foam

on the pipe.

You put your head in the freezer.

And then once your head's in the freezer,

the glycerin gets cold.

Okay.

You take the hat off and then

you put the hat back on.

Okay.

And then

now you're ready to smoke weed.

Now I'm ready to smoke weed.

Now you're ready to smoke weed out of the freeze pipe.

Okay.

And I'm going to go to the bathroom.

It's time to enjoy bigger clouds without the throat burn or coughing attacks.

No, those are your freezing.

Take the pipe, please.

You deep-throated it.

It's nasty.

It's time to enjoy bigger clouds without the throat burn or coughing attacks.

For the coldest and smoothest cannabis smoking experience, you need a freezable pipe, bubbler, or bong from Freeze Pipe.

Yep.

Included on every piece is a freezable glycerin chamber that cools smoke by over 300 degrees.

Whoa.

Now it doesn't say whether that's Celsius or Fahrenheit, but I can only imagine.

Celsius.

Celsius.

Gotta be Celsius.

I lost the hat.

Okay, that's fine.

No, you gotta put the hat in the boil.

Okay, that's good.

Yeah.

You wanna check out some of these other products?

I can't get the hat onto my nose.

This is.

There's a lot of stuff that goes on your nose in this.

In this?

This one is, I think, mostly nose-oriented.

Okay, let's see.

So this is...

Look at this.

They call it the Freeze Pipe Bubbler Pro.

All right, 300 degrees.

2023 edition.

Hold on.

Pop one of these chambers in the freeze for one hour, and the smoke passes through.

it's instantly chilled for toque so smooth you'll check if your bowels are even lit or if the bowl is even lit.

No more chest burn, no more throat pain, no more coughing attacks.

Just icy, smooth puffs that are easy on the body and full of flavor.

Dude, that sounds fucking dank.

Now, I'll tell you what.

That sounds dank.

I've used these, and I wish I had read the copy before, because I was unaware that this is for cannabis.

Because they don't tell you, that's the one downside is they don't tell you that.

Where were you putting in there?

Well, it didn't say, so I just started off with anything that didn't cost me any money, money, so free stuff around my apartment.

Kitty litter.

Yeah, cat litter and

some fluids I found.

No, I think it was for weed, dude.

But, and, you know, I spent the weekend in the ER.

Smooth toques,

but I think I have HIV now.

You got the smoothest.

I got very smooth toques, but

they said that my white blood cell count is...

is particularly of concern and I need to see an oncologist.

No.

Yeah.

That is terrible news.

But I wouldn't know that I had cancer.

Because the tokes were so smooth.

If it weren't for freeze pipes.

That's yes, exactly.

Freeze pipes literally helped me diagnose my cancer.

And it also helped me with.

It was a snake from smoking household office.

The PTSD brought you to the hospital.

From Corongall, from my time in Afghanistan.

Really?

Yeah.

I went last year.

What happened?

I don't know.

It was like a JetBlue deal.

Really?

They're flying out there, though.

Yeah.

Kabul.

Directly.

Yeah, I was in Afghanistan and I was

raped.

Really?

Northern Elias?

Huh?

Northern Elias.

Those guys are classic Spanish fly attempts.

It was Bill Cosby.

Really?

He's over there.

He was just over there.

He said that's the only place he can find work.

Oh, because it's still legal there.

But thanks to Freeze Pipe.

Anyways, start smoking like royalty without paying a king's ransom.

Okay.

This is what I love about the weed companies is that like

I am just imagining to work there like you like part like the job interview you gotta be like I'm high all the time.

Yeah, I love

like every position.

So they're gonna keep in the middle.

First of all, it's more of a lifestyle.

This is a guy with rick and morty tattoos on his face.

Start smoking like royalty without paying a king's ransom by visiting thefreezepipe.com

by visiting the freeze.

But I can't even tell.

Is this high or Indian guy?

Start smoking like royalty without paying a king's ransom by visiting thefreezepipe.com.

Is it thefreezepipe.com?

Dave, can you pull that up?

Make sure that's not a type.

Go to their URL.

I can look.

Because I don't want to say the wrong website.

Is it freezepipe.com or thefreezepipe?

What is a king's rib?

I have no idea.

It is thefreezepipe.com.

Oh, okay.

And this website looks legit.

So visiting thefreezepipe.com and use promo code TAFS for 10% off your entire order.

That's thefreezepipe.com and use promo code T-A-F-S for 10% off.

Shop today and say goodbye to HearthSmoke Forever.

Let's see what they got in the medium-sized one.

Okay, so

they sent him this.

This looks like a fucking pair of timber ones.

Dude,

that's for the pros.

That's for serious smoke.

Now I know what you're thinking.

Smoke weed out of my shoes?

Yeah, yeah.

It's not shoes.

It's not shoes.

It's not shoes.

It's foam.

It's foam.

It's foam for the whole family.

Freeze pipes.

It's foam for the whole family.

You're just giving them that for free.

Yeah.

That's what they get for advertising.

You're just throwing coffee.

I'll tell you what, what this thing is perfect for.

Let's say you're a cat burglar that specializes in vinyl records.

Okay.

You go in and somebody's like, oh,

where's my fucking Astral Weeks?

Oh, here, it's safe on the shelf.

Meanwhile, three weeks prior, you slip this bad boy into the jacket and you're fucking.

You're halfway to fucking Afghanistan with the fucking fucking fucking Afghanistan listening to some

warm dulcet tones.

Listen to some van.

Yeah.

Yeah, what is this for?

It's foam.

It's foam, but to use with the bong, I'm assuming that you.

You have to.

I don't think that's smokable.

It's not smokable, but go out and get this guy here.

This guy here.

Oh, oh, it's a free mask.

It's, yeah.

Free mask.

Let's see if I can do this with just my hands.

Let's see.

Let's see what you're doing here.

Okay.

Oh,

okay.

I see exactly what you're doing.

Yeah.

Do the voice.

Well,

I can't write on the show anymore, but I can definitely do art department.

Yeah.

Okay.

Alright.

I got some.

Can I pitch you some lines?

Hold on.

Smoke with me.

Why don't you just let me do the video?

Instead of fucking trying to take it over before.

I'm sorry.

I got too excited.

I just saw you were doing such a good job of it, man.

Can I pitch you some lines?

I will pitch you lines for it.

Let me make my art, please.

Okay.

Just for once.

This is good.

Oh, very good.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

It's pretty good.

So you get your Timberlands.

Okay.

And your Batman.

Okay.

And you're

now your Batman.

And now you're Batman.

And now you're Batman.

What else is in the bottom?

So look, you can, look, there's a lot of places, a lot of places are behind the times and they haven't legalized weed yet.

Okay.

But you get the foam out, and then you can just set up shop right in front of the elementary school in the middle of Tennessee

with this bad guy.

Okay, so

you got this guy.

Wow.

You got the fucking, this part, I think that goes in your ass.

Let's get that in your ass.

You get this part in your ass, and then this part on your penis.

Hey, look, imagine I'm downtown Tennessee, I'm smoking weed, fucking myself in the ass with a glass of dildo.

And

somebody calls the police and they say, please, officer, arrest that moral degenerate.

And they'll have to say, we can't.

He's Batman.

He's Batman.

He exists in a space outside the law.

What's that other piece for?

Oh, man.

I think I almost made myself throw up.

Really?

Yeah, pulling air through this thing?

What's the other piece for?

Just an empty...

What?

What's the middle part?

The middle part, one of them is the one you freeze.

I think this is the one you freeze.

See, that's got the glycerin in it.

okay and then the other part yeah

this is some heavy-duty equipment oh that's a percolator you got it you got a couple perks very nice yeah I'm worried about breaking this it's it's it's good it's it's uh okay let's let's check this one out yeah

this is the bub

now what are these what are these clips I think that holds it into place

I'm sure the instructions are on their website It looks like there's a slot for an SD card, but that's not in here.

So I think that maybe

it can remember your scene.

You can load Switch games onto an SD card, and

it'll send the game into your brain.

While you're smoking it, you can smoke.

Yeah.

So from the weed,

into your brain, video games.

Yeah.

I like that.

Yeah.

That I like.

Try to have this much fun doing crime.

Smoke weed with me.

Shut up.

I'm not going to say it.

Say it.

Can I pitch you lines?

Okay, say it no.

Say it though.

That's your line you want to pitch.

Smoke weed with me.

This one's cool.

It's like a gun.

How is that even a line?

Well, he says, swear to me.

Swear to me.

So he's like, smoke weed with me.

It's pretty good, though.

Yeah.

Dude, look at this.

This is like a gun.

Yeah.

I'm going to commit suicide with weed.

Kill myself with weed.

I'm going to kill myself with weed.

This is like a little megaphone.

Look at this thing.

We're tiny and we're striking and we're not going back to work at the cuckoo clock until we get better pay, especially at noon.

Because that's the longest dance.

The cuckoo.

The cuckoo birds are WGA.

We're on strike because,

you know, so noon you do a dance for whatever.

Fuck it.

Okay.

Yeah.

Action.

Okay.

Extree, X-Tree.

Read all about it.

Yeah, that's it.

Adam Friedland rapes woman.

No, extra.

Adamspaper.

Extri.

TV show host Adam Friedland accused of downloading child pornography.

Read all about it.

Just accused and acquitted.

Just accused.

Just accused.

Someone just said it.

It's just overheard.

Yeah.

What are these gadgets, Albert?

Is this a cockring, Albert?

Smoke weed with me.

Just say it.

No, it's not a cockring.

Just say smoke weed.

I already said it.

You did?

That's not a cockring, Mr.

Wayne.

Mr.

Wayne, when me and your father started this company.

It was cool they added that guy.

The guy's company.

What's his name?

Yeah, Fox.

Yeah.

Mr.

Wayne, your father loved me and he loved my body.

Your father and I shared our bodies for years.

Well, we're out of...

I met him at Charles Shop.

We're out of Freeze Pipe.

So, anyways, folks, we're the copy go.

This stuff.

So, remember,

that's thefreezepipe.com and use promo code T-A-F-S

for

10% off.

There you go.

Shop today and say goodbye to HearthSmoke forever.

That's 300 degrees less from the freeze.

That's the guarantee, no?

What's this, dude?

It's a hat.

yeah smoke weed with me

it's good you like it now smoke weed with me we had to have the bait it's good right

you like smoke weed with me smoke weed with me

it's good it's good i'm going to try pot

somewhere yeah bad man the joker's planning on trying pot no no no that's illegal it's it's against the law to try pot

Did you know the founding fathers tried pot?

Yeah.

I think the British are coming, dude.

Yeah.

I'll tell you,

I never smoked weed, but the last time I got high, just walking around my apartment saying, I think the British are coming, dude, to myself.

Just crying, laughing.

Just hyper ventilating alone in my apartment.

It's one of the dumbest things

I've ever heard in my life.

How is it 10 years later?

It's still funny.

It is still, it's just, it doesn't, it doesn't quit.

It's so funny.

It's still funny.

He's a genius.

Yeah, right.

Would you have a bong hit transplant?

All right, Cub Nation, or not Cub Nation, Taff's Army.

Guys,

we got to get Tom Tom on the show.

We got to get Tom on the show.

Tell him, DM him, $20,000.

I mean, don't DM him that amount of money.

Don't send him money.

Tell him.

Actually, don't tell him that much.

Open negotiations.

Tell him I love him.

Tell him Nick will be out of state.

Yeah, I'll be gone.

I'll be dead.

Nick will be dead.

And Tom will give his eulogy.

Boy, I can't tell you how excited I am these lights are coming.

Would it make you feel happy

if Tom gave a eulogy at your funeral?

If you do a little set?

No, I don't want no funeral for me.

Well, what are you going to do?

Blast me into space.

Yeah, sick.

Yeah.

That's what

Hunter S.

Thompson does.

That's why I'm being nice to Elon on Twitter.

Really?

Yeah.

Because I want him to use the space.

He's going to get you to space.

Launch me into the sun.

Really?

Yeah.

You can't get to the sun as far.

I think we could send...

Why aren't we sending garbage to the sun?

Yeah, it's like it would incinerate everything.

Right.

Why is that not a plan?

I have no idea.

You're literally the smartest guy I've ever met.

What we should do, instead of fucking around with fossil fuels and all that,

if somehow, nobody's ever thought, why don't we harness the energy of the sun?

If you could put like a hose that goes to the sun, you could just suck some of the fire out of it and use that to fuel everything.

That's right.

That's right.

You just turn the fire.

I don't know.

You just get the fire.

You pull the fire, slash the fire down, and then that goes under a boiler and you use steam power for everything.

You could have a little, like a little

wheel on the back of your phone.

Easy.

You have a steam-powered spider.

Easy.

You get the legs.

Yeah.

I guess the problem would be everybody would need the hose of the fire.

Everybody would need their own.

Six years old.

Then they take the hose and then the file come down.

Whatever, dude, I'm high.

You just watched this smoke.

Dude,

I did get a little bit high from that.

You watched me smoke weed for

me.

That's Batman.

Can I try to put the Batman on?

Yeah, sure.

Let me see.

You gotta put it under your glasses.

I know, no, that's how it sticks.

It's cool.

It goes through the hole?

No, no, no.

Around the nose.

Oh, that's smart, dude.

Yeah.

That's good in design.

Nice.

Yeah, it looks pretty good.

Nice.

You did a pretty good job.

Thanks.

Free hand, also.

All right, well, we have one minute left before the deadline.

Before we get the

new lights.

I told you.

Guys, you may be wondering, why the hell is the show ending at 52 minutes?

We have a strict schedule now.

That's the only way.

We have a hard out, yeah.

We have a hard out.

But if you guys go on Patreon,

we got started six minutes late.

If you go on patreon.com slash tafts, there were two premium podcast episodes and another episode.

So we posted both of those?

They're both posted.

Okay.

And then another episode of the Adam Friedland Show.

We just recently had Andrew Rayon.

We have another one coming out within a week.

And if you enjoy the show, even if you don't enjoy the show, please subscribe on YouTube.

And if you do enjoy the show, please subscribe on patreon.com.

Help us keep the lights on because

I don't know if we're going to we keep for whatever reason switching over to a visual medium the the sponsors don't really like our brand of uh

endorsing we just did a fucking a 30-minute commercial for freeze we literally did like a fucking like uh what do you call it what are those long commercials but at least until info what is it called info wars until we have uh

so stupid what i'm brain dead right now because you're hungover you drank patron all night and harassed people at at the Knicks game I just that one guy Doing an ironic Zoomer TikTok thing that nobody

didn't work on anybody.

I shouldn't have played it.

I shouldn't have played it, dude.

Because you're a 40-year-old man and you were

being like, hey, you know children?

You know what children do?

I just think it's funny if guys say that they would let their wife be fucked by multiple men for a sports championship.

Yeah.

Well, that'll have to do it for us this week, folks.

Join us again next week on the Adam Friedland Show podcast, which is what this is.

And then go to Patreon to check out the Adam Friedland Show Premium Podcast.

Correct.

And then stay tuned for the Adam Friedland Show, which is a talk show,

which airs

when we finish editing the interviews and putting everything together.

Yes, and that should be.

And color correcting it.

That should be out within the next week.

The biggest guest we've ever had.

I do mean that.

It's going to be very good.

There needs to be linear progress with the Adam Friedland Show.

I think there just needs to be enough names for the different things that we are doing, and there has to be Adam Friedland Show podcast.

The Adam Friedland Show Premium.

What's retro style?

That is the audio version of the Adam Friedland Show podcast, which is the video.

Available on YouTube.

The regular podcast.

Simple as that.

To me, it's simple.

It's pretty good.

That's not a problem to me.

I have no trouble differentiating.

Folks, thanks.

We'll see you.

Patreon.com slash taffs.

Forgot to plug dates.

Fuck.

Yes.

May 12th through 13th, I'll be at the Pittsburgh Improv.

May 12th through 13th, I'll be at the Pittsburgh Improv.

May 19th, I'll be at the Coliseum in Charleston with Big J Okerson, Shane Gillis, Tim Dylan, and

who else?

Who's the third one?

Oh, it's me.

Ron White.

No, it's me.

Okay.

San Jose, May 18th, 19th, 20th.

Austin, June 1st, 2nd, and 3rd.

Irvine, June 8th, 9th, and 10th.

Guys, I will see you at all those places.

I can't wait

to see you.

All right.

Thanks, guys.

I love you.

Nice.

Yeah.

You're juggling a lot.

Full-time job, side hustle, maybe a family.

And now you're thinking about grad school?

That's not crazy.

That's ambitious.

At American Public University, we respect the hustle and we're built for it.

Our flexible online master's programs are made for real life because big dreams deserve a real path.

At APU, the bigger your ambition, the better we fit.

Learn more about our 40-plus career relevant master's degrees and certificates at apu.apus.edu.

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