The Adam Friedland Show Retro Style Podcast – Episode 3

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Thanks for uh it's Adam who's Adam Fuckland show.

It's Adam Fuckland Show.

Welcome.

Welcome to Fuck Nation.

Fuck Nation.

How you doing?

Pretty good.

It's a big day for me.

It's going to be a painful day for me, but why?

Sports.

Oh, sports?

You're going to the next game?

No, I'm going.

I'm going to

The old Knicks.

I'm going to go watch

the soccer team in London that I've got.

What is balking?

Balking?

Yeah.

It sounds.

It sounds like an old, it sounds like jelking, like an old form of

balking yourself off or something.

Well, yeah, back in the 1800s, you're like, oh, that girl's just a real Knickerbocker.

Yeah.

She gets with black.

I mean, I didn't say it.

I didn't say it.

They did.

Knickerbockers are pants.

I thought it was the hospital from the show.

The Nick.

I thought that the team was named.

I thought that hospital was real.

You thought it was a real thing?

I thought the whole show was real.

That show is so good.

We're like the only two people that watched that show and that actively evangelized that show.

It's an amazing thing.

It's so good.

It's really good.

I might re-watch it.

I like that he was doing SNZ the whole time.

Yeah.

I like that it was only one season.

Yeah.

Two seasons.

I thought it was just one.

Two?

Dude.

I thought you said you loved the show.

I watched it like literally seven years ago, maybe.

And welcome to the show.

The latest segment of Adam's Lies.

The Nick.

You like it because it's called The Nick.

Right.

I thought it was for me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That would be cool.

Yeah.

I was like, oh, this is all going to be about me.

And then I watched it, and it was.

Yeah.

I've always done that.

That's how I felt when I watched Black Adams.

I'm in bedstead doing all kinds of crazy surgeries all day long.

Yeah, they were shooting at, if you remember, when I first moved to New York, I was staying at Eric's that week.

And they were shooting around the corner at that school.

And that's what they had.

That was the exterior of the hospital.

Also, you know, the girl, you know, who, the girl in the Nick.

Is that the Brooklyn School for Boys?

Yeah, I think that was.

Sounds ominous.

Yeah.

If it was 1880 and my parents are like, we're sending you here, I'd be like, please just send me to work in a factory.

You know that nothing good happens there.

Triangle shirt waist, please.

Yeah, yeah, right.

Please.

Let me get burned to death by the Monopoly Man.

I think Triangle Shirtwaist Factory, was that only chicks were working there?

Yeah.

That's why it's so cool.

They couldn't handle being factory boys.

They're like, oh, I'm on fire.

Do you remember when we were factory boys for a couple weeks?

A day.

I think it was a seasonal employment situation.

No, it was a week.

It was a week.

We worked on that David Yerman project.

Yeah.

At that fabrication studio.

The jewels.

The jewels.

Yeah, we were we were doing window displays for uh for ju for jewelry.

Yeah.

I'm glad I wore the sunglasses.

I'm knocked on my ass today.

Why?

I didn't sleep well.

The cat pissed all over the bed.

You got more cats now?

Yeah.

You're like Mark Marin.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

I hate it when people say that.

Because it's gay to have cats.

And I take that back.

It's not.

I don't mind being gay.

I just don't want to be my guy.

I'm not gay.

I don't want to talk that way.

I want to be me.

I want to be my own guy.

But cats is just...

Come on.

I want to be like an anime character.

Is that a cat thing?

No, but they're their own guys.

Well, you want to be kind of more like...

Nobody ever accuses an anime character of being a different anime character.

Yeah, they do all the time.

No.

No one goes to Luigi and they're like, you're just fucking dude.

This is just my channel.

I don't think that's anime.

You just fucking ripped off the game.

I think there's a guy who just broke his keyboard because he was fucking with the music.

No one accuses Mario of Luigi of ripping off Time.

Do you remember that line in Akira?

I've never

had you're being just like Ash Ketch'em right now.

Did he say that?

I've never seen Akira.

You haven't seen it?

No.

It's like the it's badass.

I've never seen an anime that is good or I liked.

Neither have I.

It's for babies.

It's cartoons.

Yeah.

Akira is cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's it about?

It's the one anime that everyone sees.

It's, I don't know, some guy like, you know, then they go Super Saiyan and they're fighting and he's got a motorcycle.

I think I have an ear infection also.

Why?

From swimming?

My ear hurts.

Really?

Yeah.

What are your plans for the summer, Nick?

I don't know, I'll go to the ear doctor.

I get my ear checked out.

Nice.

No, I can't hear out of it.

You always have ailments.

Yeah, that's life.

When I moved here...

It felt okay, and then I stuck my finger in there, and now it hurts.

Yeah, if you pierce your eardrum?

No, I just stuck my finger in there, but it's so itchy.

Is it true that boxing one's ears means that you like cup, you take two cups and you smack it, and both eardrums explode?

And then they're deaf.

And they're deaf for that.

That's what knickerboxing is.

That's what they used to do in the 1800s.

Yeah.

That was a job you could have is going around.

That was like the number one New York pastime.

It was going around deafening people.

I wish I went to school in the time when

if you were acting naughty, they made you wear the hat.

Yeah.

The dunce cap.

We should bring that back, but it should be a goofy hat from Disney World.

Yeah.

Then those bad boys will really learn.

Now you want to act out in class?

Well, now you're a fucking goofy, the dog.

Now you're a goofy.

Now you're uh...

I think I might, I think I might have like an infection or something.

In your ear?

Yeah, I'm feeling like feverish now and dizzy.

I might throw it.

Let me feel your kepi.

You might be a little warm.

Yeah.

What is it?

Alright, rectal.

Can I read it?

Rectal?

Well, that's how you get the most accurate temperature.

Can you just read?

I don't want to pull my crack.

You literally have Plumber's crack right now.

I mean, we're thinking.

What do you mean you won't respond?

Apple Watch is talking now?

Yeah.

Stay out of this.

This is our thing.

It always listens in at the most embarrassing moments.

It's so embarrassing that Apple Watch heard us talking about

that I was going to put I was going to figure out.

I always get sent to a guy at Apple.

He's like, oh,

they're not going to believe this.

A couple of nights ago, Stephen and I were very drunk and he said, I think I have a tumor.

He's like, can you check it out?

And then he like pulled his pants down

and he made me feel his ass cheek.

And I was like, I don't know.

Maybe you should have.

I like was like poking around his ass.

He's like, Not there, not there.

And I'm like, literally, like, like grabbing his ass.

And then I was like, oh, I guess I feel it.

And he's like, so what do you think?

And I was like, I don't know, go to a doctor.

And literally, nobody's.

Is it for real or is he just tricking and touching his ass?

Either way, it's fine, Bobby.

Dave, can you do me a favor and bring me the Q-tips?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Just

give me a glass of water, too.

Two glasses of water and all of the Q-tips.

Okay.

Okay.

So interesting development.

And can you get me, Dave, can you get me

my special pills?

What?

You got pills?

Yeah, Quailudes.

Are you getting any Quailudes?

No, you can't find them anymore.

Oh, they stopped making them.

I've always wanted to,

because they sound cool in movies.

In the 1970s, everyone was on lewds in movies.

That was like a big joke.

They'd be like, what do you want?

Like in Woody Allen movies, they'd be like, what do you want?

Luds?

You know?

But they stopped making them.

And apparently in South Africa, they still have them.

I should have found lewds when I was there visiting my grandmother.

Yeah, I feel like I need to get back in bed.

Really?

It's filled with cat piss.

So what are you going to do?

I don't know.

You're going to go back to the couch?

Yeah.

After your whole thing of actually getting in bed for the first time, you were.

No, I got two sets of sheets.

It'll be fine.

And the mattress protector.

Oh my god, Dave, you're fabulous.

That's insane to me.

I don't care.

She probably doesn't want us discussing it on the show, but I'm going to say it anyways.

But you know, Dasha bought a $17,000 mattress?

A Hastings?

She bought a $17,000 mattress.

Drake has one of those.

Drake has the half a million dollar one.

Well, she told me she bought it.

And then it's also like it's like a full-size bed.

It's not a queen?

No.

She got like a twin bed, a $17,000 twin mattress.

Dude.

And then and then she told me she doesn't use a mattress protector.

Really?

Yeah.

I'm like, you're insane.

So she just smokes crack on a raw $17,000 mattress?

Yeah.

Oh, there you go.

See, there's stuff coming out of there.

Dave, can we get close on the stuff coming out of my ear?

What?

It's white.

Isn't it supposed to be yellow?

I think it's white if you have an infection.

Really?

Yeah.

Dave?

White blood cells.

Dave?

Can you get one of those old school doctors that comes to you to arrive by the end of this episode?

With the purse?

Yeah, with the purse.

The purse.

For Nick?

The shiny thing on his head?

Yeah, can you get with the metal thing on his head?

Yeah, get the guy from the Nick.

This really hurts.

Don't do it, dude.

It's apparently not good.

What, Q-tipping?

I mean, it feels good, but then you, like, push shit more in.

You know, it used to be my spa day?

It was going to urgent care and asking them to put stool softener in my ears.

They'll just do that?

Yeah.

They'll fucking, they...

they'll, uh, because my ears would get, I guess I get ear allergies, so I don't really get congested, but my ears fill up with wax.

And you can go and they, uh, they lay you on your side, and they fill your ear with like, uh, like warm water, and sometimes like a dish soap or something, and stool softener.

And then they just sit in there for like 15 minutes in the dark, and then they come back out, and then they, like, flush it out, and they use tweezers, and sometimes they'll pull like a fucking, like this big tube of wax out of your ears.

Like a nugget, like a big like gold nugget right and then I eat it it's good for you yeah yeah I'm like I would like to eat it please kind of like an alpha male did you text us huh Dave no no no no DM

yeah yeah it's not Dave I thought Dave was gonna say Adam your penis is out or something

I keep my penis tucked for this show ladies and gentlemen yeah tucker penis tucker penis ten that's the thing is like I've probably said it before but that's why he's probably so anti-trans

because his name is Tucker yeah Now I asked I did Lewis's show yesterday.

The Real Ass Podcast?

Yeah.

Did he name you Real Ask Guy of the Week?

No.

No, I think I did pretty bad.

I don't think I can riff anymore.

It's weird being on a show like that, which I haven't done in a while,

where there's like a pressure to like.

Because we've done this thing, which is just so

lazy and on drugs.

We're not on drugs.

I don't know why people think we're on drugs.

No, they're really going to think we're on drugs.

Because we're defending it?

I'm not on drugs.

Yeah, yeah.

No, that's the that's how you know something.

I'm on I'm on a clay 24-hour Claritin D, though, the one you have to sign your name for because you can make meth out of it.

Walter White.

You see a girl, a Jewish girl with big tits.

You're like, there's a pair of Claritin double D's over there.

I like that.

I like that.

Yeah.

See, now you're back.

That was a riff.

I guess.

That was a good riff.

Oh man, I could feel it.

Yeah, there's like a huge.

There's a huge chunk in there.

Let's see.

Dave, does this pick up?

If I put this in my ear, can you hear this?

The ocean.

Yeah.

Gross.

Can you hear that?

Yeah.

Disgusting.

Okay, remember who signs your checks, okay?

Show a little respect.

Did you just lick your wax?

I'm eating it.

No, you do it for real?

I thought that was a bit.

No.

You don't have to demean yourself for the audience like that by eating.

I mean, it's like a, I guess it's like an Andrew Tate thing, but.

Oh, it is.

Like, it's like a I eat raw liver.

Well, it's like eating your own boogers and boogers.

Yeah.

That's the new alpha thing.

Well, eating boogers?

Well, yeah.

I mean, that's why girls are like, that's gross, because it's irresistible to them.

Oh, because it's like the pheromones or some shit.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, there's a huge chunk in there.

Oh, Nick, what are you?

Come on, man.

I'm sorry.

I got a big day for me today.

It's going to be a really sad day.

I'm watching the sports thing

at 3.

Go ahead.

Eat it.

Try it.

I'm not going to do that.

Just try it.

Just turn 30.

Just try it.

I'm telling me it's not good.

Just do it.

Eat it.

Just eat it.

No, don't prot just eat it, please.

Please.

Would you please just eat it, please?

My ear really hurts.

Will it make you feel better?

Yes.

I mean, it's not that much.

Yeah, just eat it.

No, Nick, it's really fucking disgusting.

Look, we're not going to turn this into a whole thing.

Either you can eat the ear wax or

or not.

We can move on.

It's fine.

I'm not going to demand anything of you.

I'm not going to guilt trip you either.

I feel like you already are.

No, it's fine.

Now it feels like it's spreading.

What is?

Now you're holding your nose?

But it's earwax in there.

It's not boogers.

It's fine.

You get earwax in your nose?

It's the same too.

I'll do it if you want me to.

I would like it if you ate the earwax.

Thank you.

It's literally third grade.

I'm like literally getting paid a dollar to eat

in the cafeteria.

It would mean a lot to me if you ate the ear wax.

Please.

You mean that?

Please.

Thank you.

Oh my god.

So you're going to the next game?

I didn't eat it.

That was a trick.

What am I doing with my life?

I thought it was a serious talk show.

This is the retro style podcast.

Yeah, I know.

It feels better.

It feels a lot better.

It takes all the pressure off.

We can just have a nice, easy podcast, talk about

this.

By the way, folks, we have a couple things.

This weekend I'm going to be in Portland, Oregon, eating boogers and earwax

at Helium Comedy Club.

Read my dates too.

Thursday, the...

What is it?

Let me see.

Thursday, the

27th.

Tomorrow, Thursday the 27th till the 29th, I'll be at Helium Comedy Club.

And

also, I will be

fuck.

I was fucking fucked this up.

In San Jose, May 18th, 19th, and 20th.

In Austin, Texas, June 1st, 2nd, and 3rd.

And then Nick, we're doing a mole.dog.

Moll.dog slash live-shows.

That's a really easy URL to remember.

It is.

Moll Dog, live shows.

Nick will be May 12th through 13th at the Pittsburgh Improv Grey Club, 19th in Charleston, South Kakalaka.

And

that's the big tour.

The arena.

The Coliseum with

Big Jay Okerson.

Well, I'm just coming with, basically.

It should be a fun show.

You're like the roadie.

Yo, we're doing a blue-collar comedy tour sort of thing.

Oh, nice.

We all do sets, then we have, then afterwards, we go to Victoria's Secret in the Mall.

Really?

Yeah.

And then Larry the Cable guy buys a fart machine at Spencer's and goes around pranking people who have no reaction to the fart machine whatsoever.

Have you ever seen that?

It's so funny.

Just him being like, oh, that thing.

Look, imagine.

I really want to watch it.

He's going around and he's like pretending to fart and people are just like, they have like 10 people, and none of them react in any way.

None of them are like gross.

They're just staring at him.

We'll watch videos later.

Dude, when you search Larry the Cable Guy fart, there is so much content on the internet.

Yeah.

From his album, The Jacksonville Fart Contest.

Yeah.

1997.

But I tell you what, I would trade it all to be that guy.

Is it a menage to if you're making love to your girlfriend and the dog licks your butthole?

What have you got to call it at all?

I ain't done that.

I'm just asking if it would be.

I ain't done that.

I'm just asking there.

Sorry, Larry, it would be a Marmaduke

artois.

Dude,

his album is called Salutations and Flatulations.

That's awesome.

That's awesome.

That's a really good name.

Salutations and Flatulations.

Walking farts?

A lot of of people have done that, but I'm sorry, Larry.

I'm sorry, Dan.

Larry, the cable guy, health inspector, fart scene.

Larry the cable guy,

salutations, flatulations, full.

How about Jared the Subway guy?

I graduated from the academy.

Really want to get out in the field and prop.

Jared the Subway guy.

You ever fart so hard your back cracks?

Oh, man, I gotta get out of here.

Good Lord Jesus.

And Dale Earnhardt Jr., I am a dad's gone picking time bomb.

I can't see what's going on.

That was an entire scene of a movie.

Larry the cable guy, health inspector.

How about Jared the subway guy?

Okay.

He was like, you ever eat a sandwich?

Yeah.

You ever have a sandwich before?

Yeah.

You ever have so many sandwiches that you fucking your pants get bigger?

Get her

child.

Get her underage.

Get her sweet onion chicken, or teriyaki.

Get her $5.

Get her veggie delight.

Enjoy the dissembler, guys.

That's pretty good.

My ear just keeps hurting more and more.

How are we going to get your mind off it?

I thought if I ate your...

No, it's alright.

We'll just keep doing this.

I'll go to urgent care after and I'll get my ear spa treatment done.

Oh my god, it would be amazing.

You know what you should do?

You should bring it.

I really shouldn't have stuck my finger in there.

I knew this would happen.

I told you.

but you didn't tell me before I did it

so itchy

you know good is if you um go to urgent care and they're doing the

continue I'm listening I have the other ear I hear you

yeah you bring your own cucumbers to go to urgent care yeah you put them over your eyes while they're flushing your ears out I thought you meant like

a day at the spa Yeah.

I thought you meant an entire cucumber.

Took care with the earwax.

No, you put on like a cream face to get away.

To put the earwax on a cucumber and then.

No, that's disgusting.

They pull it out of my ear.

I'm like, do you have any rosemary and olive oil triscuits?

No one would eat cucumber.

What do you mean no one would eat cucumber?

I mean an earwax.

What?

Why?

Because it's nasty to do that.

Yeah.

Can't believe I did that.

So,

ChatGPT is in the news.

So chat, it's really blown up.

Yeah, so

people think that

50% of jobs are going to be eliminated because of this.

I don't buy it.

I think people are going to reject this thing.

I think people are going to rise up and they're going to reject this thing.

I think they're going to say no more.

People are going to say, we've had enough.

They're going to say, we had enough.

We've had enough.

And they're going to say, no more.

No more.

That's the bottom line.

I actually have a confession to make.

I know I talk about my girlfriend a lot on the show, but I've been dating ChatGPT.

You have?

Isn't ChatGPT a guy?

No, it's a chick.

Oh, is it?

It's like Siri?

Well,

recently found out last night she's cheating on me.

What's the deal with Richard Mill House Nixon?

Simpsons.

Right.

That's always seemed weird to me.

Yeah.

Was this guy...

If you told me that there was never a president and they made him up for The Simpsons,

I believe it.

Sorry,

it does hurt a lot.

So I recently found out that Chad.

She's cheating on you.

She's cheating on me.

With who?

With

a black guy named ChatGPT.

With Ask Jeeves.

With Ask Jeeves.

A British

interloper.

A British interloper.

Yeah.

Ask Jeeves was the original Chat GPT com.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A British guy who would answer all of your questions.

Only Jeeves.

Yeah.

This podcast has become body horror.

It's like David Cronenberg podcast.

My head feels like it's swelling right now.

I just kind of want to get back to the Mario and Luigi thing.

That was my big...

So what was it that...

No one accuses Luigi of copying Mario.

Well, they have the same outfit, just a different color.

I know, but no one ever points that out.

They have the first letter on their name on their hat.

Nobody's like, this guy's just ripping off Mario.

Although, I would assume that they're brothers.

Okay.

Wario.

What?

Wario.

Cousin.

They're not cousins.

How do you know?

There's just other, there's the only other guys that live in that town

of mushroom people.

Are there other guys in that

in that world?

No.

The women are all normal people.

Hot chicks.

Yeah.

Princesses.

The men are all a different race, it seems almost.

Yeah, but the women are all like cheating and then acting like accusing Bowser of kidnapping and raping them, but clearly just getting piped down by Bowser.

I was like, why didn't you call the police?

And she's like,

I don't want to cause any trouble.

They would make me...

My entire sexual history would become a matter of public record.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, is that what you heard on murder, she wrote?

Yeah.

That's not the way the real world works.

Clearly, she was just going to Bowser's fucking spooky castle

and just getting absolutely rammed out.

Yeah.

When was the last time you had string cheese?

This weekend.

Really?

Yeah.

Did you?

You hadn't had it in a couple years.

Have you ever seen somebody, and no one's ever talked about this on a podcast before, bite the whole thing?

It pisses me off.

It's infuriating.

Yeah.

It's really fucked up.

It's disgusting.

You gotta eat it like earwax.

Pull off.

But you know what?

I don't buy that.

I think it's for attention.

What?

I think people do that to be like, it's like the kind of people that say, oh, actually opening the banana.

But to me, everyone.

Me, everyone, I'm the cheese bastard.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't play by your fucking rule.

I'm the joker.

I just eat cheese.

What was that you said about bananas?

It's like people that open a banana from the top.

You know the people that are like, actually, the right way to open a banana is from the bottom?

No, how can you even do that?

I don't know.

The apes do it, apparently.

No, they don't.

If you've watched the ape, I

and nobody fact-checked me on this, but

the first time I saw a monkey eat a banana, I was so excited.

I'm like, oh, this is.

We're watching History in the Making.

They don't peel it.

They just fucking squeeze it like a toothpaste tube.

And then they just lick where the banana has

come out of the tube.

they really are stupid,

yeah, yeah, dude.

I mean, like, I don't like to be racist to other

people,

but I'm racist to pretty much every animal, yeah.

Not all of them, some of them are cool.

No, we are the sickest ones, yeah, we're so sick, and this is going to be an extremely racist thing to say, no, no,

Dude, I'm...

People talk about racism towards other people in your race, but what about do you think?

The human race.

So, well, you know how octopuses.

What other race is good?

Octopuses have their own type of intelligence.

Right, that's what they say.

But they're like down there being nasty, not having bones.

No, they're just like collecting stuff.

Like, fucking, ooh, what's that?

A Funko Pop?

Yeah, they just love getting things and bringing it to their beak.

But yeah,

their whole body is a brain.

The whole thing is like, there's no, I guess, central nervous system.

But they are smart.

You know, they can like climb on boats and go into where they keep the crabs and things.

Yeah, they're super intelligent.

They have feelings and stuff, they say.

But we don't understand it.

Their intelligence

evolves so separately from ours that it's like a different kind of intelligence.

Now, the racist part.

No.

Okay.

I know this guy is French.

Yeah.

He's one of the dumbest animals alive.

No, but he's human race.

I bang with him because he's human.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

My new thing is that

I'm a human supremacist.

Why are they all burning down Paris right now?

Because they have to work one more hour a week or something.

They love protests there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

When I was there, they were having the.

Yeah, how about, why didn't you protest the Nazis?

Yeah, they did.

That's the one time.

Oh, well, that's the one time they did it.

Actually, maybe this time

Paris isn't burning.

Yeah.

That's the one time they weren't like, liberté, fraternité.

Finally, people gayer than us.

Finally, there are gayer people in France.

Just Nazis coming through.

We won.

What I won.

We won the world.

The one concession where we will give up all the land and not be the gayest people.

We are the second gayest.

But

he like, I guess his parents have like a vacation house like by the

Mediterranean or something.

And he invited some of some other folks there.

And he's like, he was telling them this story.

He's like, every morning I go out with

a harpoon and I hunt the octopus.

And then we have fresh octopus for dinner and so they like we're on a boat and he like dove they he like had a harpoon he just comes back and there's an octopus wrapped around his head he's like help me the octopus has gotten me he shot at me apparently he shot the octopus

he's having his way with my skull

apparently

yeah he shot the octopus and then he like resurfaces out of the water.

He's like, guys, I am a liar.

I have never done this before.

I am a liar.

He's like crying, and then he has this like...

He just rides away on a unicycle.

So like because of like their brain is like all over something, it takes forever to kill them.

Yeah.

So he has this like octopus on a harpoon.

And then like these like these four lads.

Where the hell are my Funko pops?

Yeah.

Apparently they were just

trying to beat the octopus against a rock because it like wouldn't die.

Yeah.

And they were like, this is the, it was like, like they committed murder.

It was like the most brutal thing they'd ever done.

But then like at that point, they wanted to take it out of the...

Well, that's how I felt when I came in here and this baby mice attached to a fucking glue trap.

What?

And I text you about it, and you're like, just throw it in the garbage.

Yeah, he's an asshole.

I mean, not the...

There's no comparison.

Alright, let's reopen the mouse issue.

Well, not that much.

The Holocaust.

You were going to...

Let's go Holocaust.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, hmm.

Nice move.

Even the Nazis were like, let's figure out the most efficient and fastest way to do this.

Yeah.

Okay.

They weren't like, let's just put glue traps down in Poland.

Yeah, because you can't.

Oh, God.

Shut up.

The bank's only going to be open for another two hours.

Shut up.

Okay.

This is very funny.

This is horrible.

Somebody help.

This is horrible.

I'm ripping my skin off.

This is horrible.

Oh, my God.

It's so funny.

And then his wife's like, Mort, just let go of your wallet.

I've always thought about who the first one.

The joke being he would be free.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it was stuck.

I'm trapped.

His entire body is free.

Mort, just let go of the wallet.

Wow!

It's very funny.

It's anti-Semitic.

I've always thought about who the first guy was to die in the Holocaust.

Like the guy that was waiting in line for the train and just being like, hey, how long is this?

Yeah.

Well, that's how I feel.

I brought it up before, but remember how when the vaccines came out?

Yeah.

And they had the vaccine cards and then people started faking the vaccine cards?

There were like two or three people that got arrested for using fake vaccine cards.

And they had to have thought.

They're like, we're all in this together.

I'm the first martyr, but they can't stop thousands of us.

Like I'm Spartacus and then no one else.

Yeah, and they're just the only morons that fucking made it out of crayon.

Exactly.

You know, like the...

Yeah.

Yeah.

Here's my vaccine card.

You gotta feel like the dumbest motherfucker in the world.

Yeah.

Those cards had to have been so sloppy.

Yeah, really bad.

Bad to have been really bad.

Misspelled.

He misspelled his own name.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It just says Dr.

Fauci on the top.

Prescription from Dr.

Fauci one vaccine for the fake virus.

Yeah, yeah.

And they're handing that over at the airport.

One ticket to Disneyland.

One ticket to Guantanamo and one more like it, huh?

Yeah.

What happened to Gitmo?

They still got boys down there?

Yeah.

Yeah, they're still dressing them up like witches and making them wear the dunce cap.

I think that was at Abu Khir Khirab.

Abu Khirab.

Abu Ghraib.

Abu Ghraib.

Rude of them to name it.

Give it.

We think we talked about this on the show before.

Who cares?

Well, not rude.

It's just very funny to open up a CIA black site torture prison and then be like, let's call this the Ronald Reagan CIA.

And they're like, well, it's disrespectful to local culture.

We're going to keep the name.

Yeah.

We don't want to erase anybody's culture when we're in here.

Torturing.

Fucking putting a car battery on someone's app.

I remember it's early,

like, because you know, we were kids when those pictures came out.

But I remember there was a girl soldier that had like a cigarette in her mouth and she was like pointing at a guy's dick.

Yeah, what's her name?

And I was like, oh, I didn't know

Lindy West.

Yeah.

I didn't know girls were mean also yeah yeah oh they're probably the worst yeah I didn't know girl soldiers also do the torture now I have to pee also

how far are we into this crap we're like 11 minutes in dude

32 minutes we're good we're good we're doing fine I can hold it for another Ian fine answer

don't you don't need to respond to Ian there's no way it's urgent Hey dude, just thinking about you.

Yeah, he said, dude, I'm literally

on the train crying and remembering when you called me Chuck E.

Cheese Man.

Literally, that's always it.

You'll never get an urgent text from Ian.

It's kind of nice.

That was a nice text.

Yeah.

It was funny when I said that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ian lives in a perpetual state of emergency.

Yeah.

So.

What do you think his brain is?

Every time, the whole text is 2 a.m.

Like, just having a cheese wheel.

Wish you were here with me.

Is his brain?

I'm having a couple of baby bells, and I thought it would be great if you could peel the wax off one of them.

His brain is probably like Toon Town from Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

Yeah.

As opposed to Toontown from what?

Star Wars, Adam?

As opposed to.

That was actually called the Cantina.

As opposed to a different.

Tonshot first.

As opposed to a different Toon Town.

Was that supposed to be like a

racist pun?

What, Toontown?

Yeah.

100%.

Yeah.

Well, the movie.

Where the blacks looked.

The movie.

Well, the Chinese.

The the Who Framed Roger Rabbit is just Chinatown.

Yeah, it's a noir.

Yeah.

We've discussed those at great lengths.

But it is Chinatown.

Like a lot of the movie is Chinatown.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You hear they're rebooting it, but they're making Jessica Rabbit

less sexy.

Oh, really?

No.

Lizzo is playing Jessica Rabbit.

She's just completely naked the entire movie.

She never has anything.

And all the cartoons are like, ahoooo.

She's wearing crocs and she's wearing a humming to humming.

She's wearing crocs and a helmet.

And then the rest of the

helmet with a tiny dress painted on the front.

Lizzo looks stunning in the new Roger Rabbit movie.

Lizzo stuns.

Stuns.

As Jessica Rabbit.

Come on, Roger.

I love that movie.

So good.

I recently re-watched Wallace and Grommet.

At least the first two.

You love Wallace and Gromit.

I love Wallace and Grommet.

It's so funny.

Yeah, it is.

It's really fucking funny.

You like it because he's such a loser?

Is that right?

Well, it's funny.

It is funny.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's a lot of really funny stuff in there.

Yeah.

Like when Gromit's sitting downstairs...

Let's recap Wallace and Grommet.

When Gromit is sitting downstairs reading the newspaper, or maybe he's going through the mail.

I think it's the one where it's his birthday.

And he's going through the mail.

And then a buzzer goes off, like ant, ant, ant, you know, a light on the wall, right?

To imply that Wallace is ready for breakfast.

And then it cuts to Wallace in bed.

And, you know, there's a buzzer going off.

So you would think that he hit a button that made the buzzer go off.

But then we see Wallace in bed and he's just pressing the button,

like he's keeping the tempo of the,

so he's just annoying.

He's annoying.

He's annoying.

It would already be annoying if he just was demanding, hit a service button and a buzzer went off, but that he's fucking pressing it over.

That just makes me fucking howl.

You like it that the dog has the power.

The dog doesn't really have the power.

And then the line is he goes, it's your turn for breakfast today, Gromit.

Because they're poor.

Implying that they take turns fucking

pulling a lever that puts his clothes on for him.

and seats him at the uh you know the breakfast table.

That's very funny.

Yeah.

That was good.

Yeah, he's just the laziest guy in the world.

Where did you get that lucky strike hat?

Somebody brought it to a show.

And also, I'm devastated, but I was at the Milwaukee Improv this weekend.

It was a lot of fun.

Very nice people.

Very nice people in Milwaukee.

When I was in Milwaukee, I remember the crowd was really nice.

Yeah, very nice people.

And some guy brought me a coal miner's wife hat, which I had that you shit on.

I didn't shit.

I vomited a lot.

I threw up all over it, whatever, and I lost that hat.

And he heard that, and he brought me the hat, and I was like, oh, I got it.

That's so sweet.

thank you.

And then I went into the office to settle up with the manager and I left it on the, I fucking forgot it on the like a coffee table.

So I lost that hat.

I lost my hat last weekend I was on the road too.

I lost my Yankee fit.

Yeah, somebody brought me this.

I got to get a freshie.

This Lucky Strike bucket hat.

Sick, dude.

Sigs.

Yeah.

It's nice.

I'll wear literally any clothes anybody brings me I'll wear.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If I don't forget them at the club.

That Bart Simpson, the black Bart shirt I have.

Yeah.

Some girl in Chicago just brought that to the show.

Yeah, I was, I remember seeing you wear it for the first time.

I'm like, that's peculiar.

Yeah, it's one of four of five shirts I own.

I think you have four shirts.

Yeah, four shirts.

You have the Gian Famous Foods.

Yeah, which I'm wearing right now.

It's Torres.

You have that.

I have this one.

You have a comedy knockout.

Another free item.

Another free shirt

from

a true TV show that you wrote on.

And people used to make fun of me at work for wearing the shirt that they really

like.

You're wearing the band t-shirt?

Yeah, I'm wearing the band t-shirt, but it's like, yeah, I'm wearing the free clothes.

I'm eating all the fucking goddamn candy in the break room.

I'm doing zero work.

It's like, look, you guys don't hire black people here, so I'm going to be the black guy at the show.

All right.

Somebody has to be.

I don't know if that's good.

I think it's an attempt at making a

woke point.

That's the best.

Is that form of?

Oh, yeah.

No, the funniest character.

That's the best.

The best character of all is somebody that's trying to do the right thing, and they end up making everything worse.

Dolezo.

What's that?

Dolezo.

Yes.

She is.

It was the perfect troll.

And she wasn't trying to troll.

She was was also like, she was working for the NAACP.

She was trying to help people.

Yeah.

I mean, honestly, it's like the ultimate move for her,

she can't sell the calendars anymore and the hair braiding business dries up, is to get some, to do 60 minutes interview.

Actually, I'm Chinese.

Actually, I've transitions.

I thought I was black, but it turns out I'm Chinese.

That's the move.

Yeah.

Or Italian.

Honestly, that would be the best.

She probably is.

Just her on 60 Minutes and she's got an accordion and a little monkey on her shoulder.

She's like, I've figured out who I was the whole time.

I'm so sorry to the blacks.

Yeah.

I was confused.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, we've said it before, but the best thing about that troll, the best troll is something that pisses off both sides.

I'm reusing the joke, but I called a lady Rachel Dolasagna on Twitter one time because it was an Italian lady.

That's good.

Yeah.

Describing herself as P.O.C.

That's good.

Yeah.

Dolasagna.

Rachel Dolasagna.

That's pretty good.

And she was very mad.

And she had mutual friends, I heard about it.

Yeah.

Through mutual friends.

Used to be really like, you used to really be good at driving women insane.

Now I'm good at nothing.

No, no, no, but that

when that was your focus.

Too many ear infections.

When you were going at fucking not that

sadie with the Doctor Evil meme.

Oh, I didn't even think it was going to be that big of a deal.

That was one of the funniest things of all time.

Just a picture of Doctor Evil that said, right.

Right.

That's like 24 hours.

Just continuously posting Doctor Evil.

Right.

Right.

Yeah, dude, that is.

You know, it's nice to look back and just be like,

those were good days.

Yeah.

What are you having having for uh lunch after this what are you thinking i don't know i'm gonna brian's gonna come by and then we're gonna go watch arsenal that's fun how's brian doing he's good he just got back from europe you'll be gonna come by here okay you'll see him yeah well i might have to run over to urgent care pretty quick oh brian and i can go with you all right he can dj you guys can carry me in dude he told me the funny thing what's wrong with him though his ear hurts he's he told me the funniest thing when i was like because he's he DJs yeah so I was like yeah I feel like um

sometimes you go to a club like the Saturday late show,

you know, it gets unruly.

And then you're like, am I just like an activity?

Like,

are they choosing between this and mini golf?

And I'm telling myself it's art?

Yes.

Am I just like entertaining drunk people?

Yes.

And then he goes, well,

he's like, well, I'm playing the soundtrack for drug overdoses and sexual assaults.

So I guess it's probably not as bad as that.

That's not a very high bar to set though.

He's

comedian placing comedian higher than DJ, which is quite fun.

well what i'm saying is like oh and at the end of the day are we just entertaining drunk people he's like well

what he's doing has there's even worse stuff i mean i guess no one's getting finger popped at it yeah i gotta figure out i gotta start

it really takes like effort to go find something fun to do during the day after especially if you do friday saturday shows because friday you know you travel in and like you know i don't know about you but like i spend the entire day thinking about it i don't like i'm not necessarily worried about the show but like thinking about it like you know what i want to do this i hope it goes well.

And then

you're out late Friday, and then you wake up, what, fucking 11 a.m.

Saturday?

And then it's like, okay, well, I have to start worrying about the show in two hours to go find something to do.

Yeah.

And

then you walk around some random city.

And then, and then, yeah, there is something.

I had honestly, I had my weekend nearly ruined in Milwaukee because I went to a restaurant.

And what?

I don't know.

I'm just guessing.

What's about that?

Well, there was a 45-minute wait.

What?

You're more Jewish than I am.

You're literally more Jewish than I am.

That's the most hurtful thing you've ever said.

I wasn't trying to hurt you.

And to do it on the show.

You get mad at customer service.

You hate waiting.

I don't get mad at customer service.

I just say, well, I'll take my business off.

The Kurig machine.

The Kerrig machine.

I have not spoken to customer service one.

The Kerig machine that we bought for $40 at Costco.

You've made Dave go through

a two-month customer return policy with the corporate headquarters of Keurig.

Only one of us remembers the price.

How much was it?

You, you just said it.

I guessed $40.

How much?

$200.

It wasn't $200.

How much does that cost?

A Keurig?

The one that we got.

For a Keurig?

It's not even good coffee.

Yeah, Keurig is really the Dyson of coffee makers.

It's crap.

Yeah.

No, Dyson is like tech.

Yo, Dyson sucks, dude.

I got one of the V10.

The Espresso is a nicer.

I got the V10 Dyson years ago because I was like, I'm going to get really into cleaning.

Was that the stick?

It's the stick.

The stick is nice.

No, immediately this thing was a piece of shit.

Really?

And

yeah, the like...

The fucking the bin just breaks like right away.

Like so it doesn't stay on when you take it off off the whole thing falls into the fucking garbage and then um then like the grommet on the like you know I've had it five years so it's out of warranty the grommet on the back of the thing that ripped off so I had to replace the canister and the fucking actual vacuum just get it at Costco and then return it dude yeah well I didn't get it at Costco now I know but

what I found out was you can just go to Dyson's website and like the the actual vacuum body it was like 70 bucks And then the canister was in, like, I paid $100 for the canister and the vacuum body.

And I think, I don't have to price it out, but you could just go order replacement parts from Dyson and save like $200 on the actual vacuum.

Oh, and like, what?

The retail part?

You can build it yourself just buying replacement parts.

And it's not even building, it's just putting two things together.

Yeah, putting two screws in.

It's easy.

I was shocked.

And welcome back to Nick's Deal Court.

You're obsessed with the Holocaust.

Uh-huh.

Much like we are.

That's it?

That's all you got?

No, I mean, not a cat.

Did I save the money on a vacuum?

You've saved money on a vacuum.

And I'm obsessed with the Holocaust.

Yeah, we're obsessed with the Holocaust, too.

I don't have fucking allergies.

Yes, you do.

You have ear allergies right now.

But not...

You didn't take a clariton D like I did.

Claritin.

How about a Claritin Double O, right?

Yeah, nice.

This has been a fun one for me.

I don't know about the audience.

I'm having fun.

I'm having a good one.

No, the audience loves it.

I can imagine right now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why do they spend all this money on a shat?

The audience loves everything that we do.

That's my perception of things.

Is that they think, wow, you really hit it out of the park with this one again, guys.

Yeah.

In my mind, that's every comment.

Dude, the comments are so nice.

They are nice.

The comments are, they really keep us going.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We love it.

Definitely love the feedback.

The feedback is...

Yeah.

Keep it coming.

Yeah.

The only bad feedback around here is when

fucking microphone gets too close to the speaker.

That's the only kind of bad feedback we got.

That's nice.

At the Adam Friedman Show.

Yeah.

I got four boxes of peanut butter puffins off the internet.

I love, that's my favorite cereal.

It's everyone's favorite cereal.

Okay, well, it's moving.

Don't try to personalize that.

As you go to grocery store, it's always sold out.

Yeah, so I love it too.

Yeah.

We all love it.

Okay, I love it.

I'll turn this into a Christopher Nolan Batman thing.

What?

Remember that?

Fucking in 2010, people would be like, I actually really love the Christopher Nolan Batman movie.

Yeah, The Dark Knight is actually a great film.

Oh, really?

You like that?

Yeah.

That's wow.

I've never heard anyone say that they like that movie before.

So you're being what, like a hipster right now?

I'm not being a hipster.

You are being a hipster.

They're being hipsters.

You're being a hipster.

No.

No, no, no, no.

It's like me saying, I love Christmas, and you're being like, everyone loves Christmas.

Everyone loves Christmas.

You can't say you love Christmas.

Everyone loves Christmas.

Yeah, Christmas is a great thing that everyone loves.

It would be like saying, you know, Die Hard is my favorite Christmas movie.

Yeah,

that was the one.

Yeah.

Sir, this is a Wendy's.

Sir, this is a Wendy's.

Yeah.

I'm going to get back on.

I'm going to.

You got to take your Twitter back from Kyla.

I'm really into, services and Wendy's.

You gotta you gotta be doing at replies.

Yeah.

You gotta really bring back.

I'm gonna open the account Wendy's Dog

and then I'm just gonna bar bark in people's mentions whenever they say something

where you would say

people um speculated that the racism dog was me.

Was no, was that do you remember there was that like leftist account that was like I'm queer or something and it turned out that that they were trying to get like uh

nudes from like uh

underage girls or something.

Bernie Sanders?

No not come on tones.

I'd really love to see your pussy.

Bernie Sanders in hot water this week after DM's leak.

It's gonna be so funny.

Yeah he sent self-facing videos.

He has to be the least romantic guy on earth.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I can't imagine him like trying to like

lay some

spit some games.

A picture of him in winter sitting and he's wearing uh two eight-year-olds on his hands instead of mittens.

Yeah.

His hands are in there.

Yeah, in them.

Yeah.

I call these Vermont Moons.

Vermont Moons we have a Vermont.

Made in the USA Union.

Talks like Yogi Berra.

Chrissy the Yogi Berra?

Yeah.

Would you go to Yankees games this season?

No, it was that guy was just good at saying things.

Yogi Berra?

Yeah.

What were his sayings?

I don't know.

There used to be like books of them.

He's like, he would say all this stuff.

Let's see if they were actually good.

The famous one is nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded.

I thought, please take my wife.

Take my wife, please.

No, that's

Benny Johnson.

Benny Johnson.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yogi Berra.

And he was the

catcher?

He was the mascot for the New York Jews.

Back when that was the name of the team.

Did you catch the Jews game today?

He was a bear covered in glue traps.

Let's see.

A brainy quote.

If you don't know where you're going, you might wind up someplace else.

That's kind of like what jokes used to be.

Yeah.

Yeah, very dry.

That's not bad, I guess.

Now we do wet jokes on the Adam Friedland show.

Yeah, we do fucking

risking jokes.

In theory, there's no difference between theory and practice.

In practice, there is.

That's just schizophrenia.

That's just, that doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, this guy just existed before they had fucking antipsychotics.

It ain't the heat, it's the humility.

Yeah.

So.

To say humidity?

The most famous is the Oscar Gamble.

They don't think it'd be like it is, but it do.

Remember that one?

Say it again?

The Oscar Gamble's they don't think it'd be like it is, but it do.

What it do?

They don't think it...

Oh, damn, now I'm getting really dizzy.

They don't think...

You're going to be alright, dude.

I'll be fine.

I know.

I just need to get

my ears lubed.

Maybe I'm a robot, dude.

You're not, dude.

You're an organic vessel that's falling apart.

I hate that.

Baseball is at 90% mental.

The other half is physical.

That's funny because

it's more than 100%.

Yeah.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Sweet, dude.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.

That's kind of funny.

That's like a fat guy.

Fat guy.

I worked at both Domino's and Papa Jog's.

I loved cutting the pizza.

You loved it.

Yeah.

Did you try to get them as even as possible?

Yes.

Yeah.

And you get real fast at it.

How close did you get?

Almost perfect every time.

Almost perfect every time.

Yeah.

It is really satisfying.

As shitty as that job is, it's really satisfying when you make a perfect pizza.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What is required for it to be perfect?

No bubbles.

It's even, even crust.

It looks good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And how does the, you get the dough.

I told you that story about the manager, that guy

who burned down his apartment complex because he fell asleep playing PlayStation.

I think you did.

And then called me and the only other driver three hours after we were supposed to open to let us know that he saved his PlayStation

but that guy really funny guy a fat fat skateboard shoe guy yeah yeah and he would wear he would wear his pants and tuck his shirt in but then the pants would

sag them dickies I think like these like fucking I mean whatever but you know

if you were especially if you work inside in a pizza restaurant I think like a lot of the guys, like nobody will, you just have your clothes for work.

So they're just disgusting.

And wash them like once a week, but they're covered in sauce and

starting at the beginning of the day, yeah.

And so, yeah, this guy was always just like kind of disgusting.

But you watch that guy toss out a piece of dough, and it was like, I mean, it was like watching fucking ballet.

It was, yeah, it was insane.

Wait, so you could spin?

Can you spin?

I can spin it, but you know, just briefly.

This guy, I swear to God, I don't know, I still don't understand the physics of it.

he was talking to me he's like oh yeah we're gonna need you to come in and then he spins the pizza yeah right and it's spinning and then as it's spinning he takes his finger away and like a doggy paddles one edge and then like comes unbelievable yeah it comes back the center yeah yeah and but while talking to me about some other unrelated thing he spins it he would do like a little twirl he would like twirl under the pizza also it was very graceful when he only in the context of making pizza he had these moments of like just pure beauty he's done his 10 000 hours Well, literally everything is art, I guess.

You can find transcendence in anything.

We live in a beautiful world.

Yeah.

We do live in the world.

You just need to know where to find it.

You just need to look.

There's very humans of New York.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You remember that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That was the biggest thing in the world for a while.

They loved it.

Just a guy going up to retarded people being like, so, well, you're retarded and you live in New York.

And they're like, yep, my parents left me on the steps of a church.

And now I...

No one wants me.

Now I eat rats out of the garbage can outside of McDonald's.

And then post to Instagram.

And then say, you are beautiful.

People would comment.

Yeah, right.

You are beautiful.

You're beautiful.

You're not a freak that we're gawking at.

Please do come to Mumbai, sweetie girl.

Please let me kiss your homeless body.

Please, sweetie girl.

Let me have so much sex with your body.

Everyone's a target, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Everyone's a fucking target.

I'd say the target was not a target anymore, it's a target in San Francisco.

For the last monologue, Nick,

you sit there for 40 minutes while he was trying to figure out a joke about how all the items in the San Francisco target are under lock and a key.

Yeah.

And we got nothing on that one.

Well, I sing it.

Lock and key, Hobbs and Shaw.

Is that a San Francisco reference?

No, but

Lock and Key, Hobbs and Shaw.

Fast and Sherlock and Watson.

Maybe it's under Sherlock and Rizzolian Isles.

I have to say, if you really wanted black people to stop stealing those items, instead of lock and key, you should be putting it under key and peel.

Mm-hmm.

And then they'll respect it.

That's pretty good.

Yeah, you know.

I

think that's that's not bad.

Lock and um

lock and uh

pop and lock.

Pop and lock.

Why are they putting it under lock and key and not pop and lock?

Yeah.

If it was dancing,

try to steal a razor that's dancing all over the place.

Our brains are decaying rapidly.

Yeah, I think this ear infection has gone to my fucking brain.

Let's go to the fucking doctor right now.

No, we still got, Dave, we still have what?

Another four and a half hours?

Yeah, five.

Five hours?

Five hours.

Five minutes?

Five minutes.

You know what, guys?

No, no, no.

No, you got to go to the doctor.

I will, but we can, there's one more topic.

What if you pass out in this next five minutes?

I'm not going to pass out.

Trust me, dude.

you don't seem like you're doing well I'm fine trust me trust me

we got another

the biggest story this week is

coming to you live from yahoo.com

yahoo news.com

latest news and headlines three TSA agents hurt after unprovoked attack

and the agents said three officers injured in an unprovoked and brazen physical attack by a passenger during a security screening at Phoenix's airport Phoenix one of the worst airports in the country is it

the yeah I'd say so

Salt Lake City terrible airport three transfers TSA agents were hurt Tuesday in an unprovoked attack by a passenger security checkpoint

unprovoked brave physical attack

19 year old woman was arrested in book without incidental

40 years old.

Oh, there's no details.

Okay.

So some lady beat them up.

Damn.

Well, what's the big story?

I'm just reading Yogi Bear's quotes.

There's some really good ones.

Oh, this one's good.

It's like deja vu all over again.

Woman sneaks into Columbia University's surf and turf event reflects on the institution's hypocrisy and treatment of low-income students.

I wish I had Cooney

SUNY had Columbia.

I wish Cooney SUNY had Columbia money.

So she didn't even go there?

Yeah, she snuck in.

And she got, did she get surf and turf?

What was the spread like?

Do they talk about it?

What started off as a harmless ruse soon turned into an eye-opening look into the hypocrisy of this whole place.

Yo, you know, I had an idea, Nick.

Damn, Damn, look at all that fucking shrimp.

Damn.

No, you missed.

Look at that.

Wow.

That is a good spread.

That's amazing.

That is a great spread.

Dude, we should go to Columbia.

We got to go to Colombia.

Just for the shrimp.

You know what I was thinking?

A lot of late-night shows have a band.

You know what we should have?

A gun.

No.

Yes, but not...

Instead of a band, we should have a spin art.

Guy with a chef's hat, prime rib, carving station.

Yeah.

Or just a Benny Hana chef.

Yeah, we'll be back in a moment with Melissa Joan Hart.

Yeah.

We can go wide.

Yeah, if we had a hibachi, just a guy tossing shrimp all over the fucking room.

That would be great.

That would be awesome.

Just throw it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's awesome.

When I was a kid, I thought that was the coolest thing.

Is there a Benny Hana in New York?

Do you want to go to that?

There probably is.

And Queens.

Queens has everything.

Yeah.

We're going to look it up.

Peens.

Peens.

They said Queens.

I said, sign me up.

And then they said Peens, and I said, even bad.

Dude, West 56th Street.

Dude,

there's a Benny Hanna's.

They got their place, Benny Hanna.

I've been there, and he had a bad day, and fucking threw the shrimp in my ass.

Yeah.

I bet he had a bad day fucking threw the shrimp shrimp in my ass.

That's good.

Larry would say that.

Yeah.

I love Larry the Cable Guy Puns.

Because when you barely pronounce any, it's like how Eminem rides.

You just turn anything into a pun.

Don't bring Eminem into this thing.

Why?

Because

he's operating on a higher...

He's not like Larry the Cable Guy.

Marshall the Black Guy?

Marshall the...

Yeah, the Black Guy.

Yeah.

We have Eminem coming on the show.

We should retract that.

Yeah, I don't want to take shots at celebrities anymore.

Yeah.

Except for Alec Baldwin.

We're not taking shots.

We said that Alec Baldwin did premeditated murder

in the last episode.

By the way, folks, subscribe to our YouTube channel, youtube.com/slash TAFS.

T-A-F-S.

And we have a new episode with Andrew Ray from Binging with Babbish.

People are calling good.

I'm going to take these home with me.

Why?

Because I'm worried somebody's going to steal them.

I know.

They do come off easy.

Yeah.

No, but these aren't.

I'm just not strong enough.

Nico, the doctor.

Hello, boys.

Dude, what if?

Yeah.

Welcome to Delta Airlines.

If you see.

Welcome to Delta Airlines.

Please don't speak Arabic in the bathroom.

This is a non-smoking flight.

Hello, nurse.

You ever been with a chick with with

pointies like that?

Like this?

Oh my god, I can't even pay attention.

Eyes up here, right?

Yeah.

Oh, your tits fell.

Oh, no.

Anyway, Nick, go to the doctor.

I'll go to the doctor.

Don't worry about me.

Don't worry about me, Play Boyer.

Guys, it's been another great episode.

I'm in Portland this weekend.

Nicholas is going to the doctor.

Thanks for joining us.

I'm going to go to Pittsburgh Improv.

Bye.

Pittsburgh Improv.

Please come to Portland this weekend.

If you don't live in Portland, get a flight and buy a ticket to the show.

Maybe buy an extra ticket.

So

I'm a sleepy boy today.

That's right.

No, we had a fun one.

No, no, definitely.

All right, thanks a lot, guys.

I always have fun on the Adam Friedland show.

Me too, brother.

Retro style podcast.

And Dave?

Sucks.

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on on Broadway.

We demand to be home!

Winner, best score!

We demand to be seen!

Winner, best book!

We demand to be qualified!

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.