Ep. P13 – Caleb Pitts 2

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the Adam Friedland Show episode, Adam Friedland Show Podcast Show.

It's the video version of the Adam Friedland Show podcast.

This is episode Dave?

9?

9 of the podcast or 9 of the show?

I think it's VP09.

This is video podcast episode 9, Adam Friedland Show podcast episode probably 11, huh?

I'm not positive of the numbers.

Doesn't matter.

We're joined today by Caleb, our good friend, Adam's good friend, for his bachelor's.

You said our good friend, Adam's good friend.

Well,

our friend, Adam's good friend.

Okay.

Yeah.

I don't want to, you know, I don't want to.

I don't want to.

We haven't hung out.

Yeah.

What's that about?

I don't know.

I'd be more than willing to.

I just assume everybody doesn't like me.

Why do I not like you?

Well, the reality is most people do not like me.

Yeah?

Yeah.

So I kind of just take that as a given across the board.

Anyways, Caleb joins us.

Adam, as you can see, Dave, camera one.

Absent.

Are we on camera one?

Yes.

Chair is empty.

Nothing.

So Adam

is not missing.

He's in the back.

Just cruising for the time being.

Collecting himself.

But you're probably watching at home or listening.

And if you'd like to watch, go to patreon.com/slash T-A-F-S and sign up.

We need your support now more than ever.

With Elon Musk's crackdown on center-left media, the Adam Freeland Show has become invisible on Twitter.

And it's up to the viewers and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting to provide us with the funding to keep this show going.

And that is a joke, sort of, but also very serious.

Need money.

We do.

We don't, you know, refine.

Look, if you like the show, throw us whatever you can.

We'd appreciate it until we figure out how to get more YouTube subscribers because we neglected that for years.

It's tough.

And we don't know.

Now we're old.

Now we're old people.

Have you ever played Minecraft?

No.

Any interest?

Oh, should I start doing that?

I think you might like it.

How will that help?

People just search like kids search Minecraft.

We need more children.

If you know any children, tell them to watch the Adam Friedland show and we're actually this is we haven't announced it publicly yet we're starting the Adam the Adam Friedland kids show really which is going to be a clean version of the Adam Friedland show

and Adam will be replaced with a non-Jewish person well is it not kid friendly to be on camera no okay if you notice that I mean there's there's Jewish people

there's a lot of Jewish people throughout media but unfortunately and it's not the Jews' fault, but

a hundred years of anti-Semitic media that, frankly, a lot of them funded themselves.

It's

the stereotypical image of the devil.

They're kind of like, they're scary looking, the children.

So we're trying to, we're going to slowly, we're going to get like

Gentiles and each one replace every episode that look more and more like Adam.

Okay.

Taper it up.

Yes.

Normalize or

how would you say, groom children into accepting Adam's nose?

You're going to groom kids into being okay with seeing Adam's nose.

Yes, right, exactly.

Well, it's not the nose so much.

It's kind of the whole package.

I always thought Jewish people had nice noses, honestly, frankly.

That's probably their most powerful feature.

It seems like a weird thing to go after them for.

Yeah.

You know, because they're so maligned for being, you know, kind of like spindly and, you know, all of these other

traditionally negative pops.

You pick the one thing about them that's like like,

yeah, they all have George Washington's nose.

You know, this like powerful nose and say, oh, that's actually, that's the thing I have a problem with.

It's deflecting a little bit.

It is.

It is deflecting.

Almost like maybe they came up with that in the first place.

Maybe.

Who knows?

Yeah, I look.

I can't understand how the world works.

But

we had a bunch of topics that we want to get into that we were discussing before the show.

First and foremost,

tequila makes you want to have diarrhea.

Yeah,

I had one shot at tequila and got, as you said, Montezuma's revenge.

Yes.

Have you ever been to Mexico?

I've never been to Mexico.

Any interest?

You're gonna go with me to Tulum?

No, I would.

No, you said no.

I would no, yes, I would love to.

I did not say no.

I do the thing.

You know how sometimes you say

people are like,

hey, do you want to go to the bar?

Or like, have you ever had any interest in doing this?

And you'd be like, no, yeah, totally.

You say no first.

It's just like...

Oh, just like a tick?

Yeah, I think I do that.

But But I would love to go to Mexico.

Me too, man.

I want to go badly.

I just don't.

I don't really have the time.

I mean, if you can go anywhere, you go to Mexico.

It's not that long of a flight.

It's not that the flight is too long.

It's just having time off.

Yeah, a weekend.

You're such a hard worker that you can't even take a little bit.

Well, you know, I mean, yeah, kind of.

Sort of.

How many hours do you think you're putting up here?

It's not work work.

I mean, this show, we cumulatively.

Yeah, we've been here, what, five hours?

Yeah, cumulatively, me and Adam put in

six hours a week on it

on the Adam Fruitland show.

And then touring,

you know, I mean, I guess, you know, you fly out Friday, you do the shows, and then you fly out late Saturday night after the shows.

That's two days that are knocked out.

So I work three days a week, but I trash my apartment.

I get home, and I'm like,

you know, I just, like,

you know, I listen to fucking Rob Zombie.

I get super meets, and I trash my whole apartment.

And then I have to spend days cleaning it up.

There's feces everywhere.

And you consider that you're on the clock?

Well, it's work.

I mean, there's stuff to do.

Yeah, certainly.

It's a lot of feces.

But the

no, I would love to go to Mexico.

Do you speak Spanish, Espanol?

Poquito.

Poquito.

That's what everybody says.

Yeah, and then they don't.

And then they don't speak.

Speak Poquito.

That's a little bit.

Yeah,

qualify it.

I need to go to Mexico.

I think that I would find out a lot about myself.

In what regards?

I've never been out of the country.

Yeah.

So I think that that would be a big...

I think that's probably going to be...

It has has to be the first place.

I think they would be scared of you down there.

Me?

But I said it's incredible.

If I dress like this, they would.

A as I've gotten to know you more, the more I I t talk to you, you you remind me of Judge Holden from Blood Meridian.

Yeah.

And then with the suit it's like now it now it's

I'm at a nine.

I'm ninety percent go there.

Yeah, I'm I'm I okay you're gonna go uh rape and murder a child and then and then dance in the moonlight.

No, I probably won't do that.

Okay.

All right.

No interest in I wouldn't be s I wouldn't judge you if you did.

If I raped and murdered a child, you you would not judge you wouldn't well I'm an actor I feel like

this guy is just embodying character because you told me you would feel responsible though because you said judge Holden oh no I would never feel responsible for anything no yeah

yeah yeah certainly not certainly not art yeah you know do you think you've made any men do evil evil things no no no that's the one thing I'm I'm proudest of is Come Town was probably the only podcast that didn't have a mass shooter.

You're right.

Literally.

It's too from Amazing.

The only one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wait,

wait, wait, don't tell me.

Of course.

Car Talk?

Car Talk for sure.

Definitely Car Talk.

Yeah.

I think that's how they call it.

Well, Car Talk is responsible for

the guy in Nice that drove that truck through.

He learned, he fixed it up.

Well, ISIS did not.

Do you think they knew about cars and trucks?

Fuck no.

In

fucking the desert?

No.

Before Car Talk.

No.

It was two guys from Boston.

Yeah.

And I can, I tell you, there's another two guys from Boston that did some.

They also listened to Car Talk.

Well, yeah, they were from Boston.

They were brothers.

Why wouldn't they?

They were like, oh, this is for us.

That was the coolest one ever.

What?

The Sarnev brothers?

That was the coolest one ever.

It will never be topped.

What I would know is if they had the voice.

We never found that out.

The Boston voice?

They must have.

The departed voice?

Yeah, no.

They've lived there their entire lives.

Yeah.

They're like, yeah, what if we got a rice cooker?

What if we got a pressure cooker?

Take out that fucking marathon.

And then they did it.

They did it.

They certainly did.

No, I was thinking about Montezuma's revenge.

Yeah.

And that's funny.

It's funny to me to call that revenge.

That's the best that Montezuma could do.

Yeah, especially to a Spaniard.

Right, his entire family is genocide and what.

You made him so he's shit through the bottom of the bottom of the beans.

Yeah, exactly.

Gotcha.

Yeah, right.

Especially if you give her drinking our bad water.

Exactly.

Yeah, that we drink all the time.

Yeah, right.

Kind of anticlimactic.

Yeah, you got it.

As far as revenge.

I would be like, if I lived in Mexico

and someone, like I was just a guy living in Mexico and my neighbor came to me and he was like, my daughter was raped at school.

I'd be like, it sounds like Montezuma's revenge to me.

It sounds like Montezuma.

Finally got his revenge.

I don't think Montezuma...

Also, as far as a god is concerned why is this guy spending all his time on diarrhea also what who was montezuma you might use this yeah sure he was like a big fat sumo wrestler i don't i could not tell you i thought montezuma was the dragon on the side of the the pyramids pretty cold style i mean it could have been based off the sphinx you're thinking of oh that's what it is did you see the mario movie i didn't i want to

i gotta tell you i can't wait to see that mario movie It looks funny.

But, you know, with the quartz, I have to wait until it's adult swim

at at the movie theater.

You're not catching a matinee on that.

Yeah.

You know what's weird?

I've never assaulted a child.

They just took one look at me and preemptively said, you're going on the sex event already.

You're going for that a little bit, though.

Am I?

You fucking, look at your fucking muscle.

You shaved today.

You did that.

Yeah.

Am I?

You look,

what's that movie?

Lovely Bones vibe coming from you.

Lovely Bones?

The Lovely Bones.

You know who else made a Lovely Bones vibes?

Apparently a brutal pedophile movie.

His

what's his name?

Bam Margera.

He likes Lovely Bones.

He made a Lovely Bones reference on the podcast.

Wow.

Yeah.

I'm a good company.

That's the only thing I remember from

the Bam Margero.

I thought you guys were going to

fix him or something.

We need a fixed.

I mean like get his life on track.

Step in.

Like after the fact.

He doesn't remember us.

Yeah, that's sad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, and it's like, you know, we can say, oh, he did our show, then his life fell apart, but really.

It was already so bad.

Well, it was Vinnie Beetle.

Well, you know what the comments on his Instagram say?

They say, Bam died when Ryan Dunn died.

Oh.

Pretty much everything, every post.

What kind of car was he driving again?

The fastest fucking supercar in the world.

127 miles an hour.

Is that fast?

I mean, to me.

Yeah.

That seems like don't most cars go that fast?

Yeah, but you're not supposed to do it.

all the time.

Yeah,

I don't think he was doing it all the time.

I think he was.

I was probably caught up to him.

I don't think the media was like, didn't you think he shouldn't be driving 127?

No, they did.

Yeah, he did Larry King.

Yeah, he was like, stop doing 1127 every time you're on the road.

Yeah.

And then

he said, what's the worst thing that happened?

Yeah.

And then his head became widescreen around a fucking oak tree.

Yeah.

Damn.

That sucks for him.

I think that's probably the best possible way to die for that guy, though.

Yeah, especially if you're a jackass guy.

Yeah.

You can either be that or the first guy to die from getting hit in the nuts.

Like, I would choose the drunk driving thing every day.

The nuts thing, isn't that how Houdini died?

Somebody would bring people on stage and be like, kick me in the nuts as hard as you can.

And then some guy who was like a, he was like a professional cyclist or something came up.

No, I think that's what happened.

This feels like a thing where I'm going to say, no, that's not right.

And then you're going to be 100% right.

No, I'm pretty sure, yeah.

He put a straitjacket on and he'd be like, nah, fucking kick me in the balls.

Yeah.

And then people would come up and they would kick him in the nuts and he wouldn't react.

And people would be like, this is the greatest magic I've ever seen.

How much magic do you have to do to get to that point where you're like, this is the oh, fuck it, I guess I'll have to do it.

He was just the only magician.

Yeah.

Like magic, prior to Houdini, magic was just like something that like Arab people did, I think.

Yeah, it was Johnny Carson did it.

Well, no, it was before Carson.

Oh, you're right.

So way, way back.

There was nothing to do in the desert other than fight dogs and do card tricks.

Play with snakes.

Yeah, right.

That looks funny.

yeah

that fucking dumbass snake yeah he's like oh shit i love music

you know but that's got to be the worst part about that job is spending all that time finding a gay snake

that loves you just got to go to garuba pit you're like which one of you guys is a homo and

just biting them which one of you yeah which one of you is a is a gay going into a wicker jail for the rest of your life where you can only pop out when i'm playing uh covers yeah what's that sound Ooh, damn.

Damn, turn that up.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's got to be rough.

That's got to be a thing.

But yeah, Houdini was the guy that was like, I'm just going to find this thing.

Cultural appropriation.

That was a big thing you can get by.

Yeah, I mean, the only Houdini stuff I've ever seen is he would go to the bottom of the ocean.

Yeah.

Which is pretty cool.

Yeah, I was like, I've been, you know, I was thinking about those old days and those old-time performers and stuff.

Because I was getting more, I get worried about the economy all the time.

Yeah, because I just read, I only read right-wing news.

Yeah.

Because it's more fun.

It is women.

I don't really give a fuck about what's going on in the world.

I don't have opinions.

But conservative doomsday news is way more fun to read.

It's so cool.

It's so much better.

It'd be like, Hunter Biden is pressing the nuclear launch buttons with his penis.

Then you go to MSNBC and they're like,

there's not going to be enough money for the Girl Scouts.

It's like,

who gives a fuck?

But

they're always, because there's an economic version of that, right?

Like zero hedge, I guess, you know.

Okay.

And so they're like, oh, you know, like, if it's Democrats in office, they're like, oh, yeah, the whole economy is going to collapse.

It's going to be like the Great Depression.

And I was like, you know, getting worked up.

I'm like, oh, fuck,

what if I lose everything?

Because I didn't work to get it.

Yeah.

Right.

So I have no idea how to get it back.

Yeah, and it also wouldn't.

Do you think it would sting

worse than somebody who earned it or not as much?

Oh, way worse.

Way worse because you're like, I fucking won the lottery and somebody swiped it from me.

Yeah, basically.

No, I literally won the lottery.

Do you ever think, do you ever sit?

I was at the park the other day with my dog.

Well, let me just finish a point.

Oh, yes.

I was worried about inventing somebody.

Oh, you'll be fine.

But it's like, you know, I think about the Great Depression a lot.

And it's like, you know, there's these people that were like, what is that, that Bessie Smith song about being a millionaire and then you're not a millionaire anymore?

That's before my time.

But, you know, you think about like performers, and they had everything and they lost it all, you know, during the Great Depression.

And it's like, okay, well, a lot of people recovered, right?

But

who didn't was the blackface performers.

Yes.

And I'm basically that.

Oh, okay.

I'm just a shitty racist comedian.

When the economy comes back, there's not a lot of people.

It's not good for you.

This is basically people get drunk off my content, right?

So

now at this point now, you're like, it's three o'clock in the morning, you're 18 beers deep, right?

That guy will keep drinking as long as he doesn't go to sleep and sobers up.

But the second he does.

The second he takes a break, he wakes up in the morning and he's going to say,

I'm an alcoholic.

I need to get my life together.

You know what I mean?

So that's going to be me post.

That's how the blackface guys probably work.

Fucking they come out of the Great Depression.

They're like, all right, well.

This is still amazing.

Wow.

Yeah, they're like, I guess I'll go do blackface.

Yeah.

And you have, like, you know,

people are going to see movies.

Yeah, not animation.

Oh, yeah, true.

Yeah.

They were doing Blackface 20 times better, too.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, they're singing and fucking they got their original songs.

Exactly, yeah.

Right.

They were doing the research.

What it was gonna, there's a depression next year.

We're wrecked for four years, and then I come back and I'm doing fucking Mustang Sally and Blackface.

Not gonna happen.

No.

Yeah.

No, it's pretty sad.

Yeah.

Maybe you could make a pivot.

To what?

I think that you could be

a cable news anchor.

That would be awesome.

I think that you would be.

As long as I didn't have to wear a suit or cut my hair.

Yeah, you'd hate to wear a suit, huh?

Yeah.

I don't look good in a suit.

What do you think of my look?

I think you look good.

You look like Judge Holden.

Yeah.

Shut up.

You look like

a mythical Western pedophile.

Yeah.

Gang leader.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's exciting.

Yeah.

Do you like that book?

What?

Blood Meridian.

Never Never read it.

I looked it up after you told me I looked like him.

Yeah.

I'd never even heard of it.

Really?

Yeah, no, I'm into stuff like A Million Little Pieces.

Oh, okay.

And

stuff like that.

It was stuff about drug addicts.

What's A Million Little Pieces about?

There's a guy who lied about being addicted to drugs and having the craziest life ever.

And he got on Oprah's book club and then he got exposed

because he just made it all up.

He's just like a loser.

Yeah.

It's kind of cool.

That's great.

It'd be funny to do that with something else.

Be like, I was a pedophile that raped hundreds of children.

Write a whole novel about it.

Right, and then you stop, and then people are more mad at you for lying about it.

Well, you know that guy.

I didn't kill myself because I thought you raped and murdered those kids.

You know that guy?

Have you ever seen the Iceman Tapes?

The interview with

the mafia Hitman dude on HBO?

It's like they do.

Do you know Mr.

Cool Ice?

You remember that guy?

Yeah.

I love Mr.

Cool Ice.

Yeah, just a future Halloween kind of thing.

German retard.

Yeah, and he's gotten more since then.

Which is cool.

Now he has like Cool Ice on his neck and shit.

Like he really found out that it was on the internet and he was like, oh, fuck, I'll do it again.

Whoever's doing that to him is like the Jack Cavorki tattoo.

Definitely.

Bad, bad guy.

Yeah.

Experimental.

The guy, the tattoo artist, it's like, yeah, I'll write Mr.

Cool Ice on you in fuck impact font.

Yeah.

No problem.

That's the worst part about it.

Is that it's all one

shit.

And he's doing like line work skeletons.

Yeah, just all like the Linux spawns yeah he has a skeleton on the back of his head yeah so that's what he I think he's arrived now at if you look at him from the back you might think he was just bones right what but didn't it start off that way isn't that the original picture oh maybe

well I know he has something on his back but now he also got cool ice multiple more times awesome yeah um what was I saying man

oh the Iceman tapes yeah so it's this guy who was a real quick Dave do we have Reeds this week

okay

Ice

we've lost all our advertising money so we need well not me you guys need more money we do

the Iceman was hurting even hurting dire straits it's getting bad it's it's it's definitely getting

we're we've spent too much money and on things that have not we haven't seen return on yeah that's scary yeah you guys make enough money that I I think if I made as much money as you guys do, it's probably all I would think about.

What, money?

Just the amount of, just how scary that is to have that

hanging on.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

I mean, I've been broke, and then you don't, yeah, please.

I've been broke, and that's like,

you're like, oh, well, who cares?

Yeah, you never worry about money when you're really broke.

It's like when you get in shooting distance of like, oh, I might be okay.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

That's like the worst part about having cancer or something.

I feel like if you get, it's like, you know, they're like, we're going to beat this thing.

Yeah.

And like,

the money, the entirety of it, it's just cancer.

It's just everybody's born with cancer, unless you have generational ones.

Yeah, that's some real shit.

Yeah.

No, definitely.

We're getting into Chappo, look out.

Money is cancer.

No, basically, I mean, yeah, you're like fucking, you know, you're like subjected to this system where it's like, yeah,

there's barely a safety net.

And the one that exists, it's like humiliating.

It's like a safety net that rips off your pants on the way down, and then the entire circus can see your asshole and your balls and your penis.

Would you ever, do you think it might be kind of fun?

Do you ever think it might be fun to have an EBT card?

Well, I technically had a New York benefits card for me.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I never got there.

Yeah, I mean, you get it when you get a healthcare.

You do.

It's the same card.

And you sign up for like SNAP benefits and stuff.

Yeah.

That just looks fun.

I had a roommate that was on Food Stamps, it was great.

Yeah, because you can just turn it into money, right?

Well, he wouldn't turn it into money, but I remember he got that card and then we fucking,

he had like a barbecue.

He had like a $300 barbecue.

Getting brisket.

Yeah, I don't know how they calculated because he was a single man,

but he was fat.

Well,

that's what I always wonder is do they calculate your weight in your life?

I think they look at it.

But do they just eyeball you?

I think they look at it.

Fucking $1,200 a month.

This guy's going to need $35 of Oreo a month.

This guy's big.

Yeah.

Yeah, so I think that's what happened, but I don't know, whatever.

I mean, we should just, I should shut up and we should not say any of those things and focus on making the show

better,

I guess.

Iceman tapes.

It's an interview with a guy who was a hitman assassin for the New York Mafia.

Which family?

He claims all of them, so that's the thing about him.

He really killed two.

Yeah, the Jeters.

He put out all of his.

He really killed two people, but they interview him one time, and he tells the story of the two people he kills.

And then they just keep interviewing, so he just keeps kind of like making up stories about how he kills people for the mafia.

Yeah, and they get so they did like six of these interviews, and by the sixth one, he's like, Yeah, then I did a backflip over that guy.

He's just describing John Wick stuff, yeah, yeah, so cool.

I mean, the best example of that is uh

is uh

you ever see Bloodsport?

No, I just remember being in a bar.

I haven't, I actually haven't drank liquor since I fell off the wagon.

So, this is bad, it's only been beer and wine.

No, it's fine.

I wasn't like a liquor guy, it's kind of disgusting, it's gross and I honestly I can't handle it.

It gets me drunk too quickly.

Me too.

Yeah, I I much prefer just wine and beer.

But

wine is just so c you use so many calories in a glass of wine.

Is there?

Yeah.

I think of it as that at least.

Yeah, I don't know.

I never checked.

Yeah.

I mean, it's all empty calories anyways.

But yeah, I uh I just remember being at a bar with this like guy who's like a cool guy.

Who's like bad?

Remember hipsters?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, so it was East Austin.

Boy do I remember though.

East Austin hipster, part of that East 6 bartender scene.

And he was like, we're doing shots of Jameson.

Fucking makes it.

Everybody order a shot of Jameson.

I didn't like it.

And even at the time, even in my early 20s, I never really liked liquor.

I didn't really like drinking liquor.

And I'm like, all right, well, begrudgingly, I'll do a shot of Jameson with this guy.

And then he's like, he takes a shot and then just like

throws up, like on his shirt and trash can and tries to play it off, like he just like hadn't thrown up, like in front of everybody.

But yeah, I remember that guy getting real mad at me that night because he had a messenger bag.

He was bagging the messenger bag, guys.

And the strap had like a, you remember, remember the old GM belt buckles?

Like the like a blue?

Up until the 1980s, I feel like GM, like or maybe it was just in the 1980s, but they all had the same like kind of there's a the blue GM, the old GM logo, the blue GM logo.

So there's a belt buckle on there and the whole night night I kept fucking, I was drunk, and I kept fucking unbuckling his messenger bag, and it would fall to the ground.

That's cold.

Yeah.

That's ice cold.

Yeah, every time he's like, fucking, bro, stop.

And then my thing in those days was

getting beat up.

You get beat up all the time?

Oh, I loved it.

You loved it?

Yeah.

Like, yeah, I got in a fight last night, did nothing.

You just get the shit kicked out of me and be like, yeah, I get in fights all the time.

Yeah, just calling it a fight, just getting you killed.

Just talking shit until somebody fucking just knocks you the fuck out.

I've only been in one real like bar fight in my life, and it was the night before I moved out of LA.

We were at this bar in Castaic, like up north.

And a buddy of mine got so drunk, and I like went to the bathroom, and I walked out.

And when I walked in the bathroom, he was talking to this guy.

And when I walked out of the bathroom, this guy was like...

Stomping his head in on the ground.

Yeah.

So we get in this big fight, but the only punch I threw was somebody tapped me on the back or like pushed me and I turned around and just punched them in the face as hard as I can.

And it was a like a 50-year-old woman.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, and I think I like killed her.

Fucked her ass up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like ruined her life.

Taught her a lesson.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what you get for tapping me on the back.

Because I was probably like close to her purse or something.

She's like, yeah, I got to fight.

I saw a lady get

who wants to suck my pussy.

Who wants to suck my bars right now, pussy?

Yeah.

What the fuck is up?

Mom, can I suck your pussy?

Nerve runs.

they're like all in the same bed lined up they think it's a nipple yeah she walks by one by one and and feeds them like it's a like a a factory farm she just goes by with the push they all get one clit lick each oh god yeah i saw a lady the other day get knockout gamed really yeah i let i left adam's birthday and i went and i was peeing on my car and you're peeing on your car i was peeing on my car like on the hood of the car no you you know you pee on the ti like in between the tire and the like the the wheel well and the tire you piss right in there and nobody knows no I usually get in the car I go 127 I piss

I was peeing on the car and then I saw a lady fall into the street

I go 127 and then I start pissing once I see the needle hit it

it's the only way you can piss and then once I'm done pissing I go I'm done

D-U-N-N that's hard yeah I go I'm done

and then I let the accelerator go down yeah and then you just go home watch TV and then I go home yeah covered in piss and watch John Wick III Just sit on your chest.

Yeah, I'm like, yeah.

Somehow the piss got up your shirt and to your chest.

Yeah, there's a straw that goes from my pants and I suck it out of the moisture out of my pants and I drink it and I go, yeah, that's me.

Sounds like a good life.

Dude, Ryan Dunn just lived a better life than I could ever live.

Yeah.

He did so much cool shit, man.

Well, that's it, man.

It's like we should have learned camcorders.

Yeah.

We could have I could have been that guy.

I missed it.

I was three.

Dude, me and my friends were always doing crazy shit when I was a kid.

Well, I mean, we did jackass.

My brother had an A V class project where we just did jackass, but he didn't want to get hurt, so he just made me do all the stuff.

I was 10.

So he's hitting me in the balls.

He's making me jump into cold water.

Yeah.

I'm falling off a dirt bike and stuff.

Yeah, me and my friends, we went on a public bus one time.

And we didn't have a camera, but we were like, oh, we're doing jackass.

And there was an 85-year-old woman.

I had a ball peen hair.

Yeah, I smashed her fucking forehead.

Fucking killer.

And I was like, this is the old lady dies on a bus.

Yeah.

Lick the hammer.

You ever see like Russian prank shows?

Is it that?

Yeah, basically.

Yeah.

This guy's getting...

I don't know.

There was a compilation.

I saw one where, damn, I'm drunk now.

Yeah, we got there.

Yeah.

Yeah, we got there.

Yeah, Adam was like, just start the episode.

I'll come in.

And he's just...

That's okay.

Yeah, it's alright.

Thank God you're wearing a suit.

It's kind of the funniest thing, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is how, I do feel like you should.

This should be the dress code for this show.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, probably.

Certainly Certainly if we're asking for money.

I looked in the mirror and I was like, I look like I'm doing Conan or some shit.

Yeah.

Well, you look like Conan.

Don't even say that.

Why?

Because that's my idol.

Really?

Still?

Number one.

Really, Conan?

O'Brien?

No.

No.

I don't know.

I mean, he was to a lot of people.

Yeah, I just, I was at the, when I started watching Conan, he was like...

Doing like he had like Pete Holmes on and stuff.

Yeah.

It's like way past the.

Yeah, Conan back in the day.

Yeah.

That was, that was.

well you see the writer's room of like the first season of Conan It's like all it's like fucking Bob Odenkirk and Louie.

I mean I was a moron when I was a kid.

I didn't realize shows had writers.

Yeah.

Like I would watch Fresh Prince of Bel Air until I was like

damn will.

No, until I was like 18 years old I thought it's like they just tell they tell them what the story is

and then they act it.

I would believe that with that show specifically.

I didn't realize things had scripts.

Yeah, you were pretty stupid then.

Yeah, no, I'm an incredibly dumb guy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's like my moment of that as an adult is

I would wipe my ass from the front.

I may be dumb, but I'll tell you this: there's got to be like a gas leak or something in every place I've ever lived.

You know, I had a gas leak.

Really?

Have I told you this before?

Well, you know what?

That's the Oracle of Delphi was.

It was just somebody that.

A gas leak, you think so?

Yeah, there was like natural gas that would leak into the cave, and then they would just go fucking crazy.

That is such a fucking bullshit excuse.

What?

I just don't.

I believe in the supernatural.

And I think they're always looking for a way to...

Well, why isn't that part of it?

How do we know?

Look,

how do you know gas isn't ghosts?

I mean, that's the thing.

It's like, look, especially as

what we've learned about science

through the vaccines and the vaccines

and what they do to fucking people

is that scientists are all, they, I don't know.

They don't know better.

They're just a guy like me that fucking loved homework and stayed in school because they hadn't gotten pussy yet.

So it's like, well, I guess I'll just keep doing fucking homework.

Yeah.

You know?

Dude.

Honestly, because it is.

School is, it's something that you associate with children.

So if you continue doing school, it's like part of.

You're a pedophile.

Well, not pedophile, but it's part of this permanent adolescence thing that's a problem.

Yeah.

You might as well

not have a job.

Right, yeah.

So the people that are experts, you know, it's like, oh, I have a PhD.

It's like, oh, you mean you stayed in daycare?

until you were fucking 34 years old?

Great.

Yeah, right?

And so those are the people that make all the science, quote unquote, and quote unquote.

And they,

what was I talking about?

Oh, yeah.

I guess this is my point.

How do we know that natural gas isn't ghosts?

We fucking don't.

You don't.

You can't see it.

You can't fucking smell it.

It's something you breathe in.

We don't even really know how that works.

You can smell it a little bit.

No, you can't.

They add an odor to it.

Oh, you're right.

Yeah, I forgot about that.

They add an odor to it because you wouldn't be able to detect it otherwise.

Yeah.

So

you breathe in spirits, essentially, and then they

tell your mind the truth.

Oh, wow.

And that's, you know, because you, look, so, oh, that's, okay, so let me just get this straight.

Yeah.

The Oracle of Delphi is the one thing the Greeks got wrong.

Every other thing they were right about.

Except maybe the pedophilia.

No, they.

Democracy.

Yeah, they were right about that.

Fiat currency.

Clothes.

They had the freshest fits.

Clothes.

They're probably the most comfortable clothes.

Also, amazing food?

Right.

They started off as like, you know, maybe you grow up, you see the Greeks and they're just wearing togas.

Yeah.

You're like, that seems insane that everyone would just wear a bed sheet.

And then 30 years later, it's like Kanye's making fucking $30 million inventing toga sweatpants, basically.

You remember when his jogging pants were new?

And people were like, leather jogging pants is crazy.

Who would wear these?

And then everybody did.

It sucks that he's until, I'll say that until two years ago,

he was right about every single thing.

Yeah, but this thing, it's like you got to look at the big picture.

There's a play here.

There's a post-anti-Semitism Kanye that he's already laid the groundwork for.

If you were on his team.

I am on his team.

Okay, well, I mean,

well, what are you telling him to do then?

I'm not telling him to do shit.

I'm saying go Kanye.

That's how being on a team works.

Oh, well, no, I mean his personal team.

His personal team?

His like HR team.

What's his next movie?

I would say,

can you buy me PlayStation VR2?

That would be.

Yeah.

I guess why would you be invested in his public image at all?

I think he's got it, dude.

I think he's fucking, he's sniffing spirits.

I think he's got, you know.

People have started treating

his music like he's fucking Michael Jackson or R.

Kelly or something.

He is.

You think he's as bad as him?

What do you mean as bad?

Oh, oh, I thought you meant as good.

Oh, well, he's probably better than both.

Yeah.

It's a sad thing.

Certainly.

Yeah, it was weird because you said Michael Jackson, R.

Kelly, and I was like, you put Rick.

So you saw no...

Yeah, I was like, you put R.

Kelly in the same category as Michael Jackson.

I did love R.

Kelly when I was a kid.

And

my mom deleted his songs off my iPod because she was like, he's a sexual rapist.

Well, you can tell R.

Kelly's talent because he can write songs that are just dog shit and they're still good.

Yeah.

You know?

What's that one that's like, I want to get you pregnant?

The whole song's like, I might nut in you.

Yeah.

That's how much I love you.

I might accidentally bust inside it.

I want to nut inside of you.

And that's the song.

Yeah, it's four minutes.

Yeah.

And you're like,

pretty good.

Yeah.

Pretty good stuff.

I loved his song, Same Girl.

That's a step away from like, damn, I might not even wipe.

Yeah.

This shit feels so good.

I might not want to keep some of it in my ass.

Yeah.

R.

Kelly could write that.

So R.

Kelly could write a song.

This shit feels so good.

I'm not even going to, I'm going to leave.

I'm going to leave it on.

I'm I'm going to let it smear up in my butt cheeks.

That's how much I just don't give a fuck because it feels so good.

This shit has been so satisfying, I'm going to clap that shit up in my own cheeks.

Yeah, jizz is, I would, I would.

This shit feels so good, I'm on that.

Would you rather

on the top of your hand,

another man's shit, or another man's jizz?

On the top of your hand.

The top of your hand.

Not like on your palm.

So this is like that box from Dune?

Yes.

It's kind of a tough question.

Literally no preference.

Wow.

You're gay.

Am I?

Yeah.

Why?

You take the shit.

Well, both of them are bad.

No shit.

Yeah, of course.

It's shit and jizz.

But it's also just a

man's.

I don't think either of them.

Get that off my hand.

Ugh.

Neither of them I'm going to be traumatized by.

It would be different if you said, Would you prefer to accidentally have some shit on your hand or to be held down and have somebody come on your hand?

And the only time that would happen, the only time you'd be held down and have somebody forcibly come on your hand is in prison.

And that's only traumatic because you know that they're like, they're doing that as like, we're just giving you a

preview of how bad it's going to get.

Yeah.

And then that's more, they really know how to fuck you up.

If somebody can jizz on the back of your hand, they can jizz anywhere.

No, because you know they hold your hand out.

Yeah.

They're all holding you down.

Somebody's beating off, and you think you're going to get raped.

It's kind of like how those ISIS execution videos work, where they bring the guy out a million times in the desert.

Yeah.

And they're like,

condemn America.

Condemn America.

And you're like, no, I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to do it.

Me immediately.

I'd be like, I'd be like, hubby bee,

you know, whatever.

I'd be their wife.

Yeah, of course.

And then, so, you know, they take you out there and then they're like, ah, we're just fucking kidding.

Ah, we're just fucking kidding.

They do it over and over again.

So the time you actually see the execution video, this guy's been brought out there a million times.

He's over it.

He's over it.

Until you get to the trachea.

He like barely even thinks of it.

Yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, you know, they all hold you down.

You think you're about to get, you know,

and then what they do is somebody's, they pull your hand out like this.

Right.

And you think it's going to be like that.

Even that.

Even that level.

You think it's going to be like that.

Or you might think they're going to chop your hand out.

In the last minute,

they flip it over and they nut on the back of your hand.

And then you're left there to wander.

The mental torture of that.

What's next?

My palm?

Yeah.

Or my mouth.

Because they're thinking this is the least offensive place we could put those jills.

So just know it's only up from here.

Right.

And then your final thought is, thank God it was Chinese guys.

Yeah.

You know?

Thank God it was the Chinese gang that set their sights on me.

Yeah, it hits the back of your hand like Rain X.

Rain.

Just on a windshield, just beating.

Right.

You know, turning into...

Yeah, at least they took their shoes off.

Yeah.

Very sweet.

Did you see the Super Mario Brothers movie or no?

No.

Not yet.

I have plans to.

I want to go see Super Mario.

Bro, I didn't even realize someone was back there.

Yeah.

Who is that?

Oh, hey.

What are you doing?

Aren't you supposed to be switching?

Dave's on it.

Dave's on it.

Oh, Dave's doing it.

Yeah.

So what are you doing?

You're just watching?

What do you mean you're making sure everyone?

He's looking at the T V.

Why are you giving him a hard time?

I'm not giving him a hard time.

He can sit he can sit over there.

Okay, I'm just asking what he meant by that.

Okay.

So you got plans to see the Super Mario Bros.

And then I wanna see Bo

is Afraid.

What's Bo is Afraid?

It's about Bo going to prison.

It's Bo Burnham.

Yeah.

Bo Burnham went to prison.

Yep.

No.

No,

it's an Ari Astor movie.

And it's about,

what's his name?

Bo Burnham.

Joaquin, thank you.

It's about Joaquin Phoenix

in some kind of messed up situation you wouldn't even believe.

Ari Astor is one of those filmmakers that's just going to frustrate me perpetually.

Well, he made the first movie.

Great.

You mean the short?

No, the short was disgusting.

Did not like it.

Really?

I do not like the dark side of humanity.

If there's not a supernatural element, I do not want to see blood.

I mean, it's not even...

I mean, it's not even...

You don't think it was dark?

Something about the Johnsons?

Yeah.

No, I don't think so.

I mean, it's not literal.

He rapes his dad.

Yeah, but it's not like, oh, this is about a guy that rapes his dad.

I don't give a fuck what it's about.

He rapes his dad in the movie.

All right.

It's disgusting.

Well, that's sort of my domain.

I just sat here and talked about,

them being raped in prison and coming on one side of your hand versus the other.

You're right.

I mean, yeah, what that is about is the choices we face under capitalism.

Yeah.

So I don't think even REST is.

It's the best era to be an artist.

That you can just do that.

Now that everybody has class consciousness, you can just do any piece of garbage in the world.

And you say, actually, it's about capitalism.

It's about

just throw up all your stuff.

Impractical joke.

Yeah, it's capitalism.

Yeah, it has to be.

Yeah.

And the actual impractical impractical joke is the central banking system.

That is the hardest shit I've ever heard in my life.

Wow.

That's the real impractical joke.

Staten Island, how about no man as an island?

How about the individual is a malignancy created by

the Enlightenment, and we need to go back to pre-Enlightenment thought, which is an impossibility.

Once the cat's out of the bag, you can't return.

The Enlightenment was.

The closest option we have is

neo-reactionary feudalism.

I hate neo-stuff.

Go back to the normal stuff.

What about neo-kitties?

Neopets?

Neopets.

Neo-kitties.

And what about neo-kitties?

Neopets, um...

Yeah, I would take a pet over a neopet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Would you take a neopet over a neo-Nazi?

Yeah.

Well,

Nazi, one of the neopets?

I would take a neo-Nazi as a slave.

I've never seen seen neo pets, but it would be funny if I looked it up now and it was just like puppies with swastika armbands.

I was like, oh, okay, this is not what I expected.

Yeah.

And they'd put that on every Motorola phone for 10 years.

Yeah.

Were they on Motorola phones?

They were on

recently, within the last two years.

Okay.

I saw a Chinese guy, Chinatown, whose phone went off.

Rings.

Hello, Moto.

He still had the Hello Moto robot ring.

That's very sweet.

And it's like, how did you even get get that thing yeah he likes

the flip did you see the phone no i didn't but i mean i can't imagine he still has one of those phones it'd be cool if he had like an iphone he just programmed it yeah and he just but but he kept such good care of it that he has a flip phone from back in the day yeah he goes home and he places in a little box and like there's candles next to it

a little shrine you're saying he prays to his phone no i'm not saying he prays to it but it's got its own bed and an area in the apartment a little dragon that overlooks it that's actually really sweet to imagine yeah yeah they love love technology they really do yeah

um what were we just talking about we're talking about bow is afraid oh yeah

yeah ari aster movie so you didn't like the short I'm gonna put it in the cup I can't I can't drink out of a bottle that is such a funny

embodiment of your autism what that you can't drink out of a bottle yeah it's a textural thing and you don't even realize it it just weirds me the fuck out yeah exactly that's what autistic people say about dominoes and stuff yeah I don't know yeah something I will literally if I drink liquor out of a bottle I will throw up.

That's kind of cool though.

That's kind of a nice stopgap on your drinking.

No, because I can just pour the entire bottle into a cup.

Well, you got me there.

Yeah.

I mean, I can drink light beer.

That's the other thing.

I can't drink certain beers outside of a bottle.

Like you wouldn't drink a draft of something?

No, there's certain beers.

What specifically?

I used to drink a lot of Shinerbach.

What the fuck is that?

It's a Texas beer.

When I lived in Texas, I would drink Scheinerbach.

And then I remember, I think I had, I went to a Halloween party.

Back when, I'm not even going to say his name, but me and somebody were friends.

Okay.

That could mean two or three guys.

Yeah, it's one guy.

You know who the fuck it is.

And we were friends.

And we went to this Halloween party, and there was like a case of Scheinerbach in the fridge.

And

I tucked my pants and my pants.

I filled my pants with Scheinerbach cans.

I was already drunk at this point.

I stole all the beer from the people.

And then we went back to our apartment complex.

And I don't think I had had Shinerbach out of a can.

I only had it in a bottle before.

And having it out of the can, I realized how shitty of a beer it was.

It's really bad.

There's other Texas, there's shitty Texas beers, Lone Star and Pearl, that are fine out of a can.

But for whatever reason, Shinerbach,

I would drink a bottle or a can and then I would just threw it up all over myself.

And I'm like,

this tastes like a completely different beer.

You blame the can?

I thought it was a can and I would drink another one and I threw up it all over myself.

I probably had seven beers and I threw up every single one of them like immediately.

Yeah.

Have you ever had,

I think the worst regional alcohol have you ever had Malort in Chicago?

Malort?

Yeah.

No.

It's disgusting.

Yeah.

It's awful, right?

What's that?

Oh, Dave doesn't like it.

Yeah, it's this fucked up, like

British.

You know, like, I mean, I stopped drinking when I was 24, and then I I started again when I was 34.

So I had a long break.

That's nice.

Yeah, so there was a lot of drinking I missed.

There was no

one night where you went crazy?

No, never.

No, I really couldn't.

Because it is like,

and now, I mean,

you get older, and it's like, man,

I don't think I was an alcoholic necessarily being young.

But

yeah, it would just, I would have, I would have periods when I was younger that I'd go like six months.

Then I'd be like, okay, maybe I can have one or two beers.

And then then before you know it, I'm like getting blackout drunk every night again.

So I just

you blackout?

I used to, yeah.

Now I don't.

I mean, but I don't drink enough to.

You know, it's like I just don't have it in me.

I don't have any interest in.

Isn't it

people who drink a lot and blackout a lot, they start blacking out earlier and earlier into the night?

Yeah, no, that's what would happen.

Because I remember the first time it happened, and I was like shocked.

I was like, I didn't know.

I mean, because I used to get like plastered.

Yeah.

And I would remember everything.

And then, yeah, it started happening.

And then it would just be like all the time.

Like, basically, like three or four nights a week, I would just, you know, I'd have like, I don't know, four beers, and then it would just be gone.

That's scary.

Yeah.

But you know what's really scary?

What?

Capitalism.

Wow.

Yeah.

You know.

That's like starting off blacked out.

And

you gotta find your way back.

Blacked out from the beginning.

Back to society.

Who invented this bullshit we live in?

I hate this shit.

I don't know, but I would love it if, Hassan, you want to come on and we can

get a sim run here.

Who's the other guy?

Ethan?

Ethan Klein?

Yeah.

I don't think he's political.

I don't know.

One of these guys.

If you got money, please come on the show and tell your fucking teenage fans that this is an anti-capitalism, pro

trans.

Yeah.

Pro-trans, anti-capitalism.

So please give us, please give us money.

I don't know how much more anti-trans and pro-cap or whatever the other way that we could be.

Yeah.

You know?

Probably the most.

You probably are number one.

Probably the most anti-capital, pro-trans

show.

Easily.

Yeah.

So we deserve all.

You need to be a huge YouTube hit.

You got to start doing shorts.

I would love.

Ari asked to take a movie about a guy that tries to start a leftist podcast.

He should do that.

And it doesn't work.

Yes.

And he just gets angrier and angrier and angrier until he

turns into a ghost.

Yes, that would be his kind of twist.

He finds out that he was a ghost with a goat time.

But it looks cool.

Yeah.

He does all these cool things.

I'm sick of motherfucking movies that look good.

No, I'm not at all.

I hate good looking movies.

What do you mean by that?

So movies where somebody posts a picture, a still, they would call it, of the movie, and they're like, look at this amazing still, suck my balls.

I don't ever want to see that.

No, but that's not the movies themselves.

That's like Twitter people that are like, I'm in the film.

Yeah, that's wack.

I love film.

No.

I like.

You see people talking about that?

Like, oh, on film Twitter, they're talking about.

Yeah.

They're talking about film on film.

Oh, what?

They talk about movies, the number one thing everybody fucking talks about.

Yeah, it's really wow.

Film Twitter.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That means nothing.

These people are sick.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you're an Ari Aster fan in general?

I only seen the hereditary.

Hereditary, which I did this in.

It covered my eyes.

I hate gore.

Yeah.

Can't do it.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah, it really puts a pit in my stomach.

Midsummer?

Didn't see it.

You didn't see it?

No, no.

Oh, so you've only seen Hereditary?

And then the Johnson's one.

The short.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's all I've seen.

But I'm pretty excited for this new one because it does not look very gory.

Okay.

I hear in

Midsomar, somebody falls off of a cliff.

That happens.

The opening scene for Midsummer is horrifying.

Really?

Yeah.

And it really shows, that's what I mean by frustrating.

It's like there's these moments where, and it's like now I'm just, now I'm being like a Reddit guy that's demanding more from the thing that, you know, like entertained me at this level.

And then it drops down to here, and I'm like, what the fuck?

Hereditary was great.

Yeah, well, the same thing.

It's like, you know, like Paul Thomas Anderson movies do the same thing for me.

There's like moments of like just this like

like just brilliance.

You don't like them though?

No, I love them, but then they're frustrating because there's like there's like it reaches these highs in certain moments, but it doesn't like stay consistently there.

Whereas there's movies that don't reach that level that are just down here but consistently that I'm like, that's a good movie.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

I guess it's probably not.

There Will Be Blood?

Yeah, literally every, other than Boogey Nights, I feel like every Paul Thomas Anderson movie,

my first viewing, I'll go see him in theaters, there's moments where I'm like, this is amazing.

This is so fucking good.

And then 20 minutes later, I'm like, what the fuck is it?

Like, what do you, like, you know, it just seems like kind of.

It's going to be so hard to be a genius director.

Oh, bro.

I mean, I have no idea.

You got to make all the, every movie has to be so good.

Quentin Tarantino, probably the best ever, right?

Best director ever.

I don't know if I'd agree with that.

He's made.

It's cool that he was like, I'm going to make 10 movies.

They're all good.

Yeah.

No misses in the entire catalog.

But that's consistency.

I'm in Reservoir.

I have a Reservoir Dogs outfit on.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I'd say this.

I see the example of that, and this is boring.

Is this a comedy show?

I don't know.

I don't know where Adam is.

I don't know.

Let's go back to the jizz.

I don't know.

What would be the next step?

You think just the palm?

I'm done with cum.

I'm done with the calm.

Don't.

I don't want to do any more cum stuff.

You've grown up.

No, I haven't.

I just started drinking again.

Oh, yeah.

You've gotten younger.

I'm sophisticated.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I'm young and I'm woke.

And you don't drink out of a bottle.

I'm anti-capitalist and I'm pro-trans.

I think

cat ear beanies should be subsidized by the fact that it should be mandatory in every middle school in America.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And also putting your sleeves above your hands.

Sleeves above your hands.

Early trans move.

Did they take that?

Or do you think that all the people that did that were trans?

And they just there wasn't an option for them back in the day?

I used to do it.

What's that?

I used to cover my hands with my sleeves.

Sleeves above the hands?

It was more of a shyness thing.

Yeah.

I was more a chew on my sleeves and

I was talking to Cameron about this today.

Every shirt that I had, every long sleeve shirt would be blown out to here because i would chew yeah i would chew and then just blow my nose all over my clothes yeah would you chew your collar as well no it was not a collar chew i did all that i would just chew on the when i was a kid i ate my toenail that's yeah that's weird yeah

i was flexible i could put my toe in my mouth but big toe only i would just eat it yeah you ever get into yo-yos

like doing this with it no i could go up and down oh okay yeah

yeah

all right let's talk about calm i guess i don't know i don't remember yeah so i guess the second time that they see you they just flip the handover yeah i mean what they should they should give you like a french manicure with the calm oh that'd be kind of sweet though yeah yeah well but that's they're treating you even gayer they're like look at this we're gonna that would probably be the worst your first day in prison you get cornered in a cell by like 20 guys and they give you a makeover they just make you look so beautiful and it's worse because you really enjoy it yeah you're like this is so relaxing yeah you look in the mirror you're like this is who who I am.

They have a whole camera crew and a studio audience for some reason.

Yeah.

And then they never talk about it again.

Yeah.

And then they never, that'd be funny.

You're doing a 20-year bid.

And the first day in there, they make you look like the most beautiful woman in the world.

And then they never rape you.

Yeah.

You spend every day in fear.

Well,

fear at first, but then all of a sudden you're kind of wagging your shit when you walk by them.

You're like, hello, boys.

You like kind of feel inadequate at some point.

Like you made me the most beautiful woman in the world and you didn't do anything about it.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know.

I've never

seen.

You know what I was thinking about?

It's like, you know, like, oh, it's probably just the young guys who get a bad.

You know, like an old man doesn't get fucked up.

Yeah, but then it'd be funny to be like an 80-year-old and you go to prison and you're like, well, at least I'm fucking 80 years old.

And then you just get your shit pushed in.

Yeah.

Because it's fucking your ears and shit.

Yeah, right.

Bad news.

Yeah.

Oh, he got pussy hair in his ears.

Yeah.

Exactly.

He got pussy hair inside.

Damn.

They're They have fucking iPhone 4s.

They're taking flash videos of your

asshole.

Right.

You just look like Santa Claus.

Yeah.

You work at Mall Santa?

Yeah.

Fucked in there.

That'd be bad.

That would probably be pretty bad.

Yeah.

What's going on with trans folks these days?

What's the big thing this week?

J.K.

Rowling

passing a lot of laws.

I don't know.

Is J.K.

Rowling?

She's back in the days?

J.K.

Rowling is.

It's weird that somehow, like, every month, they find a way to be like, oh, she's transphobic.

It's like, hasn't she been that for years?

Well, you always say you go to her Twitter page, she's getting real about it, like, all the time.

She's way, she's heavy on it.

It's all she thinks about.

It's such a funny thing to be mad about.

Yeah.

Especially as, like, you're a billionaire fucking British bitch.

Right.

You live on a fucking cliff.

Yeah.

Right?

You live in that picture of that island with the little house in the middle.

Right.

That's where she goes.

She goes outside and there's a hot air balloon in her driveway.

Yeah, well, that's probably why she's so worried about it.

Right.

They're stealing my culture.

Yeah.

As a British rich fruit.

I have nothing left.

They're going to take it away from me.

Bud Light.

Bud Light is, yeah, Bud Light is the thing.

They had gay.

Do you see the Kid Rock video?

Where he's shooting the Kid Rock.

Incredible.

Yeah.

Such a great video.

That he's shooting up.

I didn't see it.

I heard about it.

He says,

fuck Bud Light, and he shoots a gun at a game.

It's got to really, not for Kid Rock, but

to be like a conservative that's invested in the culture war.

Because I feel like the majority of them aren't.

I feel like it's a slim minority.

I feel like a lot of them, obviously a lot of people have to watch Tucker Carlson in these shows because they have high ratings.

But I feel like it's a small minority of conservatives that actually are posting on Twitter and engaging in any of this shit.

And if you're one of those guys, it's really got to suck to lose Bud Light.

Yeah, that was a major hit.

That's their like...

Well, what would the equivalent for for us be?

Bud Light is their Freddy Mercury.

Yeah, if we found out Freddy Mercury.

That'd be like if you found out Tom of Finland wasn't gay

is the equivalent to be like a fucking, you know, and there's just no sympathy for those people.

Tom of Finland, I only discovered him kind of recently, but it's good stuff.

It's amazing.

And now the more I think about it, it would be the funniest thing in the world if he wasn't gay.

If he was a guy that's just like, he's like, oh, God.

Oh, I would have had a giant cup.

Not even just being like, these guys are fucking cool.

I'm gonna draw the coolest guys ever hit out.

The coolest straight guys ever hanging out.

One time I was at, you know,

just really fucking cool guys riding motorcycles.

Hey, what's cool?

A cop?

Yeah, they got the cop with a cool big ass fucking dick and he's riding a motorcycle and he's hanging out with sailors.

Yeah.

They're fucking just, it's just cool guys hanging out with each other.

One time I was at Mass Books, you know that place?

Yeah.

I was over there and I found a Tom of Finland book.

I was with Patrick.

We were sitting there and I was like flipping through the Tom of Finland book and I was like, oh, God, just loudly to make Patrick laugh.

I'm like, oh, God, what is this?

Just really loudly.

And then I closed the book, and right next to me was Frank Ocean.

Really?

Yeah.

And he was like, no.

He sang me a beautiful song.

But I felt really bad.

I felt really bad.

I was like,

he's going to think I'm an asshole.

Please don't say that.

That's not what he sounds like.

I know, but singers.

He doesn't make music like that.

Singers should be singing.

All the time.

If you're a singer, you should constantly be singing.

Yeah, I actually agree.

Yeah.

But I never went to that.

Jockan should be a Chick-fil-A being like, let me get the spicy chicken.

Just all the time.

What about rappers?

Huh?

They kind of do that already.

Rapping is just talking.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I hate to say it.

Yeah.

That's the best part about being a clown.

If you're a clown, no one knows.

True.

Bozo just went around.

They're like, people were like, look at that bald guy.

Yeah.

He's like, none of these motherfuckers know I'm Bozo.

They don't know that I'm Bozo?

Yeah, no one.

That's how MF Doom probably felt.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you like MF Doom?

I didn't care.

Yeah.

I found out that he died.

I was on a golf course.

Yeah.

Tore me up.

Were you playing golf?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

I don't know.

Me and the whole force of them, we.

You could have just been out there.

We're bummed out.

They don't stop you.

That's true.

It's yeah, I mean, if you dress the same, yeah, if you wear the right clothes,

you could just be out there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sitting there practicing.

Damn.

Yeah.

I got

those

17 shots at Tequila.

And uh how many did you do?

I don't know, like three.

I don't like being drunk.

Yeah?

I think that is that does not make me feel good.

I don't think I like it either, but I'll tell you what I really don't like is being sober.

Wow, Chief Keith vibe off of that, yeah.

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah.

Did he say that?

He had a whole song.

He's 16 years old, put out a song called Hate Being Sober.

16.

Okay.

How cool is that?

That's cool, but it's also something a 16 you won't say.

Well.

But I'm also getting back into being 16.

But yeah, I agree really well.

That's my midlife crisis.

PSVR 2.

Yeah.

And fucking drunk.

I can't believe you don't have that yet.

I don't know.

You need to be in a different world.

You don't belong here.

What do you mean?

You need to go into a virtual world.

Yeah, oh, yeah, for sure.

You need to be amazed.

You have lacked amazement in your life, I feel.

No, it's just the things I'm amazed by are so stupid.

Yeah.

Like the first time I saw a Roomba, I was like, holy shit, dude.

Then VR is going to be something.

Yeah.

I mean, I've used it.

I got the PSV.

it got way better than the T S V R 1.

That one was poop.

Yeah so yeah I played the demo disc and that was I was like oh yeah this is I think I also have to get contact lenses'cause it like the I have to use them with my glasses and then it just mashes them.

Oh no that's not good.

It mashes them up against my face.

But without my glasses it's like everything's out of focus.

Yeah.

You know.

Maybe you just weren't.

Yeah.

Maybe you were you actually were built for this world.

Maybe I was.

Yeah.

Maybe it's fucking capitalism.

That's the problem.

That's the real VR.

That's the real VR is fucking capitalism.

It's putting us in a...

In a virtual world?

Where am I?

It's putting us in a goddamn...

Where am I?

Where are you?

But what does that mean?

Which one is mine?

I would guess that one.

I'll tell you, that's a real fucking capitalism.

What was I saying?

Virtual reality?

It's virtual reality.

Capitalism is a real virtual reality.

It's a virtual reality.

And reality is the fucking

Soviet

yeah we're all living in the soviet union and we're all jack tom of finland guys was the soviet union fun was it cool

um i feel like they were there was nothing to do but like math yeah so they're all smart yeah but probably kind of boring yeah probably you know it must have been like shitty to be a guy that was a moron that just wanted to like collect funko pops yeah born in the wrong generation yeah if you were in the soviet union and you were just built for reading manga yeah that's got to be awful.

Which is ironic now that those are the people that most want that.

Is that you don't think they'd be watching cartoons if they were over there?

Probably not.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you get scared yesterday when they launched a they launched a nuclear warhead at Japan?

Who did?

North Korea.

And then last second, this is a story I heard.

The last second they bailed.

What do you mean they bailed?

They said nah.

But the sirens were going off in Japan.

What do you mean they launched

they can't they went it went past the bottom.

That's a fucking loony tune singer.

It's like, burr!

Yeah, the guy on it, he pulled up.

The guy who's riding the new ballistic missile.

Yeah, he pulled up.

Korean Bugs Bunny.

Yeah.

And he sent it right into the bunny.

I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to do it.

Because

YouTube.

It's a different show.

Going straight to YouTube.

I'm not going to do Korean Bugs Bunny.

But if I did.

What would it be?

Maybe it would go.

No.

And the intro you already

introduced it?

no, no, no, no, no.

A different time, folks.

Yeah.

Maybe a time

before

late capitalism.

I bloody hate late capitalism.

What does that mean?

Isn't that kind of presumptuous?

Late capitalism?

I would say.

That it's going to end soon?

Yeah.

You know, it's not going to end.

You're just going to turn 30.

And then you're going to start drinking again

and fucking kill yourself.

Like the rest of us.

Like the rest.

Oh, okay.

And that's the moral of

the story, folks.

We do not like late capitalism.

Or we do not like late capitalism.

But what does it mean?

What does that mean?

I think it means

movies are the worst they've ever been.

But isn't that China's fault?

You're going to have to take that up with the Reddit.

I think that's literally China's fault.

I think movies...

Because they demanded that

Marvel stuff.

It's something

that the the Communist Party of China agreed, like you can go sell those movies out, as long as there's no black people in them.

You can fucking make those movies forever.

Yeah, so

I guess that

doesn't really have that much to do with movies then.

Okay.

What does it have to do with?

Am I asking the wrong guy?

I would say that you might be asking the worst guy for a question.

You should get married tomorrow.

What's that about?

Yeah, we did an hour.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right, folks.

That was the Adam Friedland show.

Adam,

maybe he'll be, maybe he'll come out of the...

Adam, are you all right?

Dave, is Adam all right?

I checked on him and he closed the door.

Where is he?

He's in the equipment room.

He's in the equipment room?

We can come out.

He had a wardrobe malfunction.

Can you go check on him real quick?

Yeah.

Just make sure he's alright.

Adam had a wardrobe malfunction.

You remember where that started?

Wardrobe malfunctions?

Yes.

Who started that?

The Super Bowl where fucking Janet

and her nipple.

The first one I ever saw.

Yeah.

That was the first Super Bowl you saw?

Yeah.

That's crazy.

Oh, yeah.

I guess you're a young guy.

First one I ever saw.

How's he doing, Dave?

He's alright.

What's he doing?

He's laying down?

He's on the phone.

He's on the phone?

Well, folks,

the Adam Friedland shows a lot of things.

And it's

certainly

something you can watch on YouTube.

I don't think this one goes on YouTube, you said.

This one goes on Patreon.

Yes, but it goes on YouTube first and then we put the unlisted link on Patreon.

Okay.

Which then people share.

Oh, okay, the piracy.

The piracy.

So knock that off.

I mean,

do whatever you want.

I mean, it's like...

Oh, you're so cool you don't need money.

No.

No.

Knock that off.

It just doesn't work.

You can't fucking, you can't.

The recording industry cracked down on piracy.

So you need to.

remember that?

Remember they were suing grandmothers for a 12-year-old in their house downloading fucking Shakira.

Those people are still in jail.

They're literally fucking, yeah.

They've been, they're the grandpas getting,

being turned into Mrs.

Claws and

scary stuff.

So, and,

you know, no, there's no way to crack down on piracy.

But.

The show,

if you want Adam to come out of the equipment room,

you're going to have to

fork over some cash.

Yeah, help us out a little bit.

A dollar a month, two dollars a month.

That's nothing.

If you're look, I know there's rich people.

I've met rich people that spend a thousand dollars a month on Chia pets.

If that's you, switch it over to the Adam Friedland show.

You know?

Throw us a bone.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Why not?

A desperate plea that Adam probably would not be a fan of, but

he ain't here.

But mommy's away.

Yeah, mommy is away.

Mommy's in the other room.

I wish there was some...

I don't feel, you know,

Adam didn't laugh once, and neither did Dan.

So I want there to be like maybe one.

I'm trying to reach deep in myself.

Okay.

Well, I'm going to unbutton my pants because it's a piece of paper.

Go ahead.

Unbutton your pants, and I'm going to try and think of

some kind of joke.

Some way to make this show funny, the way it used to be.

The show that everybody...

Something on...

alright, it's a guy with Down syndrome.

And he's the Postmaster General.

And

he can't seal any of the envelopes because his tongue is too big.

Sorry, guys.

Oh, it's alright.

I didn't want to come up in the middle.

We're still doing it.

Are you?

Yeah, we haven't cut yet.

I thought it was over.

No, no, no.

Dave said, do you want to come out and say hi?

No, I was trying to do a final,

trying to find the final bit that can maybe save this episode.

Yeah, we didn't, it was pretty bad.

Yeah, it was pretty bad.

It was pretty bad, yeah.

We'll put it out.

No, we'll put it out.

We got all drunk for it.

We gotta put it out.

We have to put it out.

I've been here.

I've been here hours

waiting this.

And you've been on the phone with

the bank.

Yeah.

Is it bad, Kelly?

No, it was fine.

It was fine.

I'm sure it was good.

No, it wasn't good.

It was fine.

The audience will decide.

Listen, folks, we'll be back on the Adam Friedland Show next week with special guest Sizza.

Oh!

We got Sizza.

I love her!

I just killed mine.

I just, I was in the laundromat, and there was

a Guatemalan family.

And

so it was the mom, she was doing laundry, and she had two sons and a daughter, and the daughter's watching that music video on an iPad.

I was watching a mattress protector.

So it was there.

It takes a long time to wash one of those fucking things and dry.

You were afraid someone was going to steal it?

What?

Why were you sitting there?

What do you mean?

No, I just wait there while I do the laundry.

Oh, okay.

Usually I do drop off because it's actually cheaper to drop off.

I had no, I talked to them afterwards.

They'll wash sheets.

I had no idea.

I only dropped clothes off there before, but they were like, you know, don't worry, we'll take care of you.

You know, I really needed to do the voice, but they're

out of respect.

Yeah, they're good people.

Yeah, they're good people.

And

yeah, there's a gu uh Guatemala family and the mom's doing the laundry.

The two sons are there and they're not saying you know, they're not saying anything.

And the fucking the daughter, she like I take it the children now.

They have iPads that are like like the military grade iPad.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, it's this thing.

It's their fucking

Teflon cover.

Yeah, exactly.

The fucking tier one LAP to FaceTime with Elmo.

They have that.

And so she's got this fucking thing.

And she's watching that music video over and over again and singing along to it But I don't I guess she didn't know the words or maybe I was just mishearing her so she keeps singing I just killed myself

I wish there was someone here to witness

I just killed myself Betting those are the only words she's saying

You know like she wouldn't write those I just killed myself and kept saying it over and then it was just stuck in my head for fucking better idea for a song.

Yeah, I just killed myself just killed myself.

Not the best idea.

Not the best idea.

Yeah, yeah, no.

So Sizza will be here next week, and that is obviously a joke.

But if, Siza, if you hear this, please come on the show.

We could use a woman of color to

sell these ideas of late capitalism.

Is it bad or no?

We're still doing it.

I have to go peace so badly.

Go ahead, piss.

I'll talk to you.

What are you doing?

You're just saying that to me, like it's my fucking fault or something.

It's my fault.

No one's saying it's your fault.

Look, it's fine.

It's what?

It's a podcast, folks.

Thank you for joining us on the Adam Friedland Show.

I hope you don't find my hosting too

reprehensible or

distasteful or uncharismatic.

But look, I'm a radio guy.

I'm an old school radio guy.

Do you want to do audio on this one?

I'm supposed to be.

Not video?

I'm not even supposed to be on the radio.

Or audio.

But here I am, for better or for worse.

And that's the episode this week, folks.

Thank you.

Hola, it's Rachel from Huetque, your Spanglish podcast de confianza.

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