Ep. P12 – Chris Distefano

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Welcome to the Adam Freelance Show the podcast.

We're joined today, huge guest, massive guest, Christopher Moltasanti.

Christopher Moltasanti.

Welcome to the moment.

Thank you, dude.

I appreciate it.

And also, my agents are going to kill me this weekend, the 7th and 8th, Salt Lake City at Wise Guys.

Great club.

Great club, good hotel.

Hey, go see Adam.

You know what?

Go see Adam.

Thank you.

And

don't don't do any Mormon stuff they're anti-Mormon there are they they're the opposite of the like they don't the Mormons are not going they're wise guys they want you to hear they want to hear the Mormons go to see Brian Regan yes that's such a good stand-up he is but even he got he got I got hurt he got in trouble there because he said

well he said damn on stage yeah and the Mormons were like wow we gotta go home and have sex now we're gonna have a lot of sex no they soak that's what they do do you know about soaking soaking soaking soaking is it like a sex thing?

Yes.

They

go in.

I also poke my tickets

at Hyenas Fort Worth this weekend, 7th and 8th, Dallas, Fort Worth.

Good city.

You're going to be laughing like a hyena.

Dallas.

Can I do one?

Yeah, sure.

Where?

Madison, Square Guarda.

That.

And April 13th at, I think it's the Empire Theater in San Antonio, Texas.

Oh, my God.

They got a lot of big women down there.

Is that downtown?

Where is that?

Where's the Empire Theater?

I don't know.

I'm not sure.

I'm Austin the night before, and then San Antonio.

Where in Austin, are you?

The Paramount Theater.

Oh, okay.

But sold out.

I'm excited to go back to Texas.

I'm reading all the Caro LBJ books.

We almost bought a house yesterday in Texas.

Dick and I.

Well, Adam thought it was 70.

It said 70 on Zillow.

I know, but if you look at the map, it's in a cul de south.

Oh, I'm glad you looked at the map.

You guys don't want to go to Texas.

You're not Texas.

Beaumont, Texas.

Texas is a big state.

There's a lot of different parts of Texas.

Beaumont sucks.

East Texas sucks.

Hill Country is great.

And then West Texas, that's fucking Mars.

But you guys want to walk to a store.

You want to walk and get a coffee.

You can't do that in these other places where everybody moves.

And you're not.

I wouldn't have to get in my truck to go get my mail.

You don't want to.

I want a cold roll to Starbucks.

I want a horse that doesn't respect me that I can't get on.

Yes.

That I have to use doggy steps to get on my fucking horse.

You have to run and start and jump on it.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm trying to get kicked in the head by my horse that doesn't respect you.

You'd survive, dude.

Well, and then I could live as a mental retard.

That's the dream of that.

You actually have the perfect facial hair, too, for like a horseshoe.

It's just

a bang.

Did you wear this on account of us?

You're like, I'm going to the bad boy podcast.

Deutschland Special Olympics.

Wait, that's the German national team for the Special Olympics?

That's got to be a tough Special Olympics because they would have all been experimented on 80 years ago.

Spangling ranches.

I mean, I would imagine the parents, when that came out in Germany, were like,

you have to promise this isn't more experimenting.

They're like, well, it kind of is.

Yeah.

It's sort of an offensive.

If Hitler came back, this is the most offensive thing you could see.

Yeah, yeah.

They made a Special Olympics with his beautiful people.

Yeah, Jesse Owens.

He wouldn't care about that.

Jesse Owens beats all the German retards.

All those German Special Olympics look like Ivan Drago, probably.

They're probably pumping them with Reuts.

They're huge.

What were we talking about before?

Oh, Mormon.

Texas.

Soaking.

Yeah.

Yeah, well,

soaking is they get they get it they get it big and then they stick it in no pumps

okay yeah but then there's an additional loop

what's that so they they put it in they don't move because it's like if they're not moving then it's not fucking yeah right and then they have a friend jump on the bed yes so it's the friend doing it it's like the fucking like I'm not fucking you kind of like you know why you disagree

yeah but it's close my eyes no it's Mormon it's a Mormon thing premarital sex thing.

Oh, okay.

So

they don't even insert at all.

No, they don't.

They put it in, but they don't move.

Oh, okay.

No humps.

I respect that.

Soaking.

I always love stuff.

I love the idea that God's like, ah,

you tricked me.

Yeah.

You did it.

Wow, the guy.

As God, I didn't think of that.

Yeah, no, I grew up with a lot of Mormons in Vegas.

Right.

And their moms were

so hot.

Like all my Mormon friends' moms were like,

they had only had sex with one guy their whole lives and they were just like bursting with like the fucking hot.

They're all blonde and like nice.

They all had like great snacks.

Did you hook up with any of them?

The moms?

Yeah.

As a boy?

They weren't fucking me.

They were not.

I think you were.

Alex was.

He was fucking the.

Alex was fucking like wives and stuff.

Really?

Moms, yeah.

That's crazy.

Why did he come here?

Because, I don't know, he wanted to get out of Salt Lake.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He wanted to be a director of photography.

Yeah.

I didn't know he was fucking a bunch of hot Mormon moms and blonde people.

For how much he complains about Salt Lake.

That would kind of offset what makes it.

Yeah.

Alex loves to complain.

Yeah, it's cold, but if you're fucking a bunch of...

It's cold everywhere.

It's cold here.

The moms

are so hot.

I used to abuse myself to the moms.

Salt Lake I found to be very weird.

Peculiar.

I stayed at a hotel hotel there because what I do is I find where the club is and then I go in Hotel Tonight and then I find the closest.

Hotel Tonight's the best.

Yeah.

I find the closest hotel to the club and that's where I stay.

Right.

So, you know, I did.

I stayed at that hotel.

The Evo Hotel.

Yes.

The skateboard.

Yes.

Yes.

Yep.

That was shocking to me.

Because it's weird because it's like, you know, there's this idea that Instagram isn't real.

You know, it's like there's this world, this like make-believe world that we put in.

And then there's other parts of the country where they don't know what to do.

So they're looking at Instagram to create a culture.

Right.

And it seems like that hotel or what that part of Salt Lake that I saw is entirely derived from Instagram advertisements.

Right.

That there's people, I saw, I told, I may have said it on the show already.

I saw a father who is a like a skateboard dad.

Right.

And I don't mean that, I mean, I'm sure he skateboards, but he's walking and he's got like this mini version of himself, like an eight-year-old.

And he's like, well, when was the last time we worked on your 360s?

And this guy has earlier woods of skating?

This kid who has to reluctantly skateboard.

And And it's like, also, what's the end game there?

It's like skateboarding even, who's the most famous skateboarder now?

Tony Hawk.

Yeah, and he's 75 years old.

Right, right.

Yeah.

He's doing like diabetes commercials.

Yeah.

Where it's him's like struggling to put the helmet on and it's like, you know, pressing.

He's getting like, like, what's it called?

Like, pressure redemo and it's shit.

And not only is he the only, he's the only famous skateboarder ever.

Yeah.

Right?

Like, there's not another one.

Maybe the kid, the kids from that movie, Kids.

Yeah.

But they're all dead.

Yeah, Mike V, I guess, is probably next.

Well, Band Marshara.

I was going to say, Mike Vecchieve.

I'm taking that glasses off.

Vecchion, famous.

I want to take them off.

I want to do a few minutes with him, a few minutes on him.

I'll put them on in a few minutes.

I have very

similar glasses I wear on the show, also.

I lie and tell people their prescription.

I'm very insecure about being on camera, and so I like hiding my eyes.

Well, that's the thing is, I've been since I've been wearing these glasses, a lot of people are like, oh, you're hiding behind the glasses.

I'm like, you can still see my full face, you fucking retardant.

Yeah.

Like, what are you talking about?

No, me, I'm absolutely hiding behind the glass I spent my my entire career I built by hiding behind the internet right so what you know but I said like that you having anonymity that that's you have a beautiful thing yeah right not getting in trouble he will he'll get in trouble yeah exactly Freeland so I'm Adam Friedland and a bomb will go off at the

FBI headquarters in Brooklyn on Wednesday they have the FBI in Brooklyn they have an FBI office everywhere oh yeah there's there you know my friend who told me that John Gotti?

No, I don't know him.

I think I knew one of his sons.

I don't know him.

My son is very funny.

Yes, hilarious.

He's also going to be at Wise Guy Salt Lake City.

Yeah, I can't.

I love that guy.

But he told me that, my friend who's in the FBI, told me that the BQE, especially after 9-11, Brooklyn, Queens Expressway, that there was so much traffic there and so much construction there right after 9-11 for like five years, and it still is in a small way, but it was never construction.

It was just FBI agents scanning everybody's car.

And it was the FBI and the CIA looking in all your stuff, but disguising as

construction workers.

So it could not be.

It's just blasting every commuter with x-rays.

100%.

Baby.

Radiation.

Doesn't matter.

Yeah.

Set up an outdoor microwave.

It doesn't matter.

It's a Muslim daycare center.

Yeah.

Yeah.

With taxpayer money.

Man.

So your friends an FBI agent?

I got friends.

I got, the thing is, we've got

friends on the inside.

On the inside, even rats.

Even today, or last week, this whole Trump indictment thing, all my friends were, my friend Sergeants were texting me this morning where he's going to go, what roads are going to be closed.

You know, you kind of, I always get like a video of like some crime scene that'll be, and they're like, we can't show this video.

I'll get the video of somebody getting his head blown off, getting hit with a meat.

That's so funny.

The FBI spends all this money spying on people and this secret operation on the BQE, and then they just tell their gossipy friend with the podcast.

Yeah, exactly where the president is going to be and where

the path the indicted president is going to take.

Yeah, if the FBI wants to know like any inside info, they just have to come to Staten Island and go to any pizzeria or coffee shop and we're all talking about it.

We all have all the answers.

Everyone's gossiping.

Yeah.

It's the best.

You guys ever go to Staten Island?

Yeah,

when I did worked on commercials, I had a couple of jobs out there.

Nick and I used to go to, we went once to the Staten Island Yankees, single-A.

Oh, yeah, now.

That doesn't really count as going to Staten Island, though.

You got to go in.

Yes.

Like, you got to come to my house.

That guy talked to the reliever warming up.

Yeah, there was like a JP Sportman.

Yeah, there was a reliever named JP Sport Man, and he was warming up, and this guy's like, hey, can I get a fucking bowl for my kid?

Yeah, right.

And the guy.

Thanks a lot, you fucking asshole.

I think he called him

a fag.

I don't even remember a fucking fag.

He's like, you're probably a fucking steroid.

Probably you should be.

Yeah.

I mean, I imagine everyone is.

You have to be.

Are you cycling right now?

No, the last time I took a cycle of anything was Winstrell, and I took it when I was 18 or 19.

What's Winstrell?

It was like the.

It sounds like it's for British nerds.

Yeah.

It's, it's, uh, me and Maddie Haley do it.

Yeah.

It's, it's, um, it's, uh, it's a, was a, like a performance-enhancing steroid.

I was played college basketball in Division three, so they didn't do any tests or anything like that.

So I just took a cycle of it.

They were called that and D-Balls.

D-Balls, that's the original one.

Diana Balls.

Dragon Ball.

I think it was Winstrell was that.

I mean, dude, you would just get like another, you know, six inches on a vertical leap.

Like, it was insane, but everybody's heart started to explode.

Where'd you play ball?

Division three, St.

Joseph's.

St.

Joseph's.

In Brooklyn, though.

That's a beautiful campus.

I live right by there.

In Clayton Hill.

I live in Fort Green, yeah.

Oh, Fort Green.

It's really nice.

Yeah, that dude.

And by the way.

They went on a little run, didn't they?

Yeah.

Or they won a big game or something.

I saw something.

Saint, I mean, Division III.

At a low level, at Division III level, yeah.

So it's like, I mean, it matters, but it doesn't matter.

You know?

Fort Green, by the way, it's amazing because when I went to school there in 2003.

That was Bedstead.

No,

you couldn't live there, but now you can.

It's gorgeous.

Welcome.

Gorgeous.

Welcome to Brooklyn.

We made it bloom.

It's amazing to me how kids that look like you will are like there's an 18-year-old kid that looks just like you.

Some 18-year-old girl looks just like you.

and she's gorgeous.

Beautiful, and born and raised in Bedstead.

She's born and raised in Bedstead.

It's a mind-blowing thing for a native New Yorker to

understand.

I'm actually very cool with it.

A lot of people in my neighborhood are like, what the fuck?

But I think it's great.

It's like the property value's going up.

This is what we want.

Yeah, I met a 19-year-old red-haired white girl from, she's like, I'm from Bushwick.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's where she was 19 years ago was beds and fucked up.

That's fucked up to grow up in Bushwick.

Yeah.

I grew up in Ridgewood, Bushwick.

I grew up right in the woods.

That's a real neighborhood, though.

German, baby.

That's a beautiful neighborhood.

Deutschland.

Wait, what are you doing next Monday?

Flagrant 2.

What's that?

A foul?

Schultz's podcast.

With

Monday night.

Hey, let me ask you something.

I can hang.

So, Flagrant, their set,

is it the same saw?

How big is that stream?

I've never been inside.

I've never seen that.

I've never been inside.

It's so nice.

It's very nice.

It's very nice, but it also looks massive.

But this looks massive.

And it is.

I know.

Well, we went off.

I mean, it was like, let's let's build the biggest we gotta have the biggest one.

Yeah, no, this is this is this is the way you guys are doing it.

Do you come in here every day even when you're not filming?

Like this is your office.

I used to but Dave's in here all the time now, so I don't become weird.

Yeah, he brings some strange

prostitutes.

A lot of Scandinavians that I don't know.

Well, I don't know if they're just in town.

They're paying him.

Yeah.

A Scandinavian woman,

I think, is one of the hottest women you can be.

Like some derivative, like a Viking sex.

You know what what I mean?

Valkyrie.

Yeah.

I like that.

What are they?

The women that take you to heaven?

The Valkyries, yeah.

Yeah.

That's got to suck.

That's sort of like the inverse of Muslim heaven.

Right.

Muslim heaven, you're like the bomb is probably still exploding.

Right.

And your guts are just coming out as you go into heaven.

And then it's sexy lady time.

Norse heaven, a hot lady shows up and you're like, oh, fuck, yeah.

And then she just carries you to heaven and then she's in the middle of the day.

It's

here.

And you're like, well, where are you going?

She's like, I have to go bring other people to heaven.

You don't get to fuck me.

I'm just the cab driver, essentially.

Yeah, and Valhalla is all vets.

You're there with all guys.

Right, it's a VFW.

Yeah, yeah.

If you listen to Mustang Sally and play fucking vegetables.

I'm talking about Ben Valhalla.

Drink a thick.

It's all guys that talk about the shit.

Yeah.

About being in the shit.

You have a Michelobe Ultra and play fucking.

Yeah.

Guys with no legs.

Yeah.

You play darts.

Vikings, too.

I just learned this, that they invented biological warfare.

They would light sick rats on fire and then you film them.

And then

they invented jackass.

And they would shoot them into enemy boats or like enemy forts, and then they would let the rats bite everybody and infect their food.

They also, supposedly, shitting on the chest, came from Vikings because what they would do is...

Another form of biological warfare.

There it is.

The Cleveland steamer.

They invented that because they would go raid your town, say, I'm coming into your village.

I kill everyone.

You're the chieftain before I behead you, just to, you know, in front of your wife and kids, just to kind of degrade you one more time.

Everyone comes and just takes the steamy shit on your chest.

They should have changed the name of that off.

The Indians to the Cleveland Steamers.

Yeah, I don't know why.

The Guardian sucks.

It's a turd.

It's just the other type of Indian guy.

New Cleveland.

I thought you were going there.

Yeah, okay.

That'd That'd be funny if it was just a dot on the head.

Yeah.

Did you make that joke ever?

Huh?

Did you make that joke ever?

Did what?

If they changed the Indians, but it just had a bindy on it.

That sounds like something, though.

That sounds like something you just said.

I've got a bit of a bit of a bit.

It's a very small play pen that I operate in.

Yeah, but you know, you're a man of principle.

Sure.

Yeah.

How'd you find this out about the Vikings?

On a white revisionist history.

Because that's not on Wikipedia.

Yeah, white revisionist history.

I, you know, some, you know, Instagram thing, you you know that bull i mean it could have been a lie oh okay you know so some some clearly the chinese came up with rat rat warfare yeah yeah it's

actually it was the whites the vikings yeah yeah yeah it was us yeah they're i think they're the best uh group the vikings those are they're my favorite your favorite group what about my favorite huh what about the italian i'm mostly german that's the thing my last name's distefano maltasanti sorry and

and and they and they and I thought I was Italian my whole life, but then I did the 23andMe and it's like 95% German, mostly German.

And your world shattered?

Huh?

Your world chattered.

Shattered.

And then people my whole life would always, because I grew up in Ridgewood, which was a historically German

neighborhood, German and Polish now more, but it was German forever.

And people would, old men would always come up to me as a little kid and say stuff in German.

And,

you know, I was like, oh, I'm not German.

And then there was a guy across the street, old man, who lived there for years.

And then he died when I was like 15.

And then I found out, because he was a war veteran.

And then I found out later on in life he was a Nazi.

Was it that guy Trump deported?

Do you remember that?

Yeah, when they pulled him out.

Yeah, he was like, ooh.

They had to bring him out of his house on a stretcher.

He had this giant beard, and he was like looking terrified.

And then everyone's like, we got him.

And it's like, I think he was already got him.

They were like,

Ice.

They're just doing their damn job.

Yeah.

They got rid of him.

A guy that was in a bed

in Queens.

There was a guy in Queens that used to.

I saw him.

I didn't even know because I guess he had been in.

I don't know if he'd been in the newspaper yet.

I was just on the train one time.

It was this big fat guy wearing a swastika necklace.

He had a medallion with a swastika on it, like a Nazi swastika.

Right.

Like white.

Not Buddhist.

Yeah, black on white, red field.

And

so I just took a picture of him and I was like,

what?

Yeah.

Well, you can't just do this.

Because no one's saying anything to him.

And yeah, I showed it to somebody and they were like, oh, yeah, that guy's like, he had been in the New York Post, I guess.

He just, he puts his swastika medallion on and rides the train.

I have a family member who served 20 years in prison and he was Puerto Rican.

So he's and she, transgender.

And they were saying that the Nazis, the like white Aryan race, like...

As long as they like you.

They perfected sexual reassignment surgery in prison.

Perfected it.

But they were like the easiest people to get along with.

They just wouldn't, they were like, they had, they were clean.

They're like, look, that didn't exist in Nazi Germany.

There's nothing on the books.

They're clean.

There's nothing on the books, so we don't know which way to go.

So we might as well default to smiles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's pretty much the Nazi party standard.

They have no rule for it.

He said that, and you know, he's a gay guy.

He blows a lot of them, and he said they were polite about it.

We're like, he said, the most impolite.

Yeah, well, they were probably all on Winnie.

He said, thank you.

Yeah, yeah.

No, he said extremely polite guys.

He said that, you know.

Charmed.

Yeah, it's like he was like, you know, other groups would treat him disrespectfully, but Jerry said anytime you blow like a Nazi or like anybody like that, that they were very nice and very cordial.

Which I, you know, I don't know about the 1940s Nazis, but the New Age ones in prison, they got a lot of people.

Supposedly are nice guys.

They've really gotten there activated.

Supposedly they're nice guys.

There's that, man.

Well, back in the day, all the worst Nazis and worst, like

World War II was like if you were just a sinister gay, that was like the best time in history for you.

All the top like.

They were all gay.

Yeah, if you ever see like

the fat one, I think it was the head of the Luftwaffe, Gary.

Boring is a big fat there.

Well, originally, the head of the S.A., what was his name?

No,

before the Nazis took power, there was the SA.

That's that one I don't know.

And he was gay.

And initially,

they're fucking, I don't know.

I don't want to go too far into this because then you just start to sound like you're making a point that, well, the Nazis were actually gay, but that's not some of them.

A few of them said that it was a lot.

I know, but.

You said Hitler was gay.

Yeah.

I mean, Hitler was, yeah, he was on Adderall.

He was gay.

Crystal Meth, they said, right?

Perviton.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

he had a fag hag, Ava.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Gorgeous country home in the mountains.

The Eagles Nest.

Eagles Nest.

Eagles Nest.

So cool.

So nice.

Yeah.

It makes the whole thing kind of worth it, honestly.

Where's this guy go in that?

Dude,

his limits.

He produced the most Jewish television program,

you know, which gives me license to say these things.

This is the Heshy Teschewitz hour.

Yeah, basically.

I don't know what that means.

Heshy Teshowitz is a character.

Hitler's car, great.

The Beetle?

What do you mean?

No, not the fucking Beetle.

It's his limousine.

With the car that Jon Lovitz drives in Rat Race.

That is the funniest scene in any movie ever.

It literally is the funniest scene in any movie ever.

I re-watched Rat Race last year.

It held up.

It surpassed.

I was peeing my pants.

You never saw it.

Oh, you're not into cinema.

Okay.

I've got to seen a lot of this.

You've got to watch Rat Race.

All right.

Yeah, no, John Lovitt's steals Hitler.

What year was that?

2000?

He's gay, right?

Lovett's?

I think he's just Jewish.

No, yeah, yeah.

We're all crazy.

Gay on Scott and I'm not sure.

Because

he's like very conservative, like socially conservative.

No, didn't he have

a 17-year-old girlfriend?

Now I'm making that doesn't make him not socially conservative.

That's more traditional.

I was saying heterosexual.

Oh, yeah.

No, I remember there was, Wardell told me Lovitz did the draft house in Arlington.

And it's John Lovitz, and I don't know.

He does stand up, but it's not like you see him around.

So most people aren't familiar with his act.

He did the draft house, and he came out, and he's like, what's the deal with these fucking trannies they got now?

You know, he was like all upset about transsexuals, and they had to bring him out the back because people were like, fuck you, John Lovitz.

Yeah, because Arlington's pretty woke, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's his name?

Sandler's boy.

Rob

Schneider.

I saw him open for Sandler, and he had some opinions on the transgender community.

Yeah.

Well, he's very conservative.

In the anti-vax world, because him and Jim Carrey are like two of the only male anti-vax guys that predate the COVID vaccines.

Yeah, they're like LA anti-vax.

Yeah, they were the guys that were like, you know, smoothie guys.

Yeah, they caused autism and fucking the MMR vaccines.

I did opioid anthony with him yeah uh with rob schneider and he and yeah this was like 2016 my oldest daughter was only like one and he was like talking to me about like not leaving you know he's like that he regrets so much like going on the road and missing his daughter who's like a singer l king she's like had a couple of yeah big songs she's nick rushford's neighbor in in rhode island like in the woods schneider's daughter is a big country musician that lives around the corner from rushford that's good

But he said, you know, he was like, you know, you don't want to miss anything in her life and all that stuff.

I was like, yeah.

And he said, but the main thing is, do not give your children any vaccines.

That is the thing.

I was like, all right.

It was on the airwaves.

I was like, all right, whatever.

I was like, she already had to get vaccines for preschool.

He's like, get them out of her.

Well, now she's famous and she has to live in the woods.

That's what not getting vaccines will do for her.

She can't even be in contact with human beings.

If you had a kid, would you vaccinate it?

And would you circumcise it?

I have two questions.

Absolutely.

I don't really care.

Absolutely.

Vaccine and circumcise.

I don't care about vaccines.

Like, I am not having that in my house.

This has been a constant debate between me and my girlfriend.

And I don't understand why she's getting so entrenched on the no-cutting thing.

It just means that

she got her back

blown out on study abroad in Berlin.

Some Danish guy with a fucking like.

Viking cock.

She definitely had an experience she'll be on her deathbed thinking about,

and it's made some impression.

It should be my fucking decision what my son's penis looks like.

I don't want some gorgeous fucking Dominican foreskin in my house.

I don't want that in my house.

He's not going to respect me.

I'm sorry I'm getting upset right now.

I kind of, I would say, I'm sorry I'm getting upset right now.

I'm going to half it with like a swoop, so it's like a sort of like a beret.

Oh, yeah, it's kind of dope.

It's like this kind of look.

What's going on?

You know, so then it's all vibes.

You're a German Italian.

You probably are

mutilated.

And you're American.

I'm an American.

No, I'm mutilated.

I'm American first.

Yeah, I'm American.

I'm American first.

I'm red, white, and blue.

I go on stage every night.

I'm not a face country.

I see.

I'm intact, but my parents had my balls removed because they thought it would make my penis look bigger.

Did it?

Really?

Yeah, no.

Because then it never grew.

You just have like a little paper.

Yeah, no, I don't have balls either.

But you're in the Vienna boys choir.

Yeah.

That's right.

I don't understand why people get mad about this trans stuff.

You should see the way my parents fucked me up.

They brought a little baby me into that plastic surgeon, and they said, let's get wild, dude.

We're artists.

Yeah.

We're going to have fun.

Just got his little dick out.

Yeah.

I'm sorry I got so upset about the foreskin thing.

It's all right.

It's a thing.

What about a daughter?

Would you circumcise your daughter?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

You know I'm from Nigeria.

Yeah.

The clit thing I think is wrong, but maybe some of the they could maybe

just even out the lips.

They don't have to make them small or big, but the same

size.

I get it.

You know what I mean?

Pussy lips?

Yeah, if you're going to get one that's like, hey, how's it going?

But how do you know what a baby's pussy pussy is going to look like when they're an adult?

By doing surgery when they're born.

If

they can do heart surgery on the baby while the mother's pregnant with the baby, they can predict what the pussy lips are going to look like.

100%.

This show has gotten so, like,

it's an intellectual show now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm proud of us.

Yeah.

This is good.

Yeah, yeah.

The Patreon's going to start rising.

Do you think a female genital mutilation is.

They can't stop doing that in Africa, Africa, right?

What do you mean?

Well, look,

imagine you stop socially, you stop doing, you stop

cutting off the clitoris of women, right?

And then you have to admit, like, yeah, we were wrong about that one.

You know what I mean?

Like, you can't risk that.

You can't take that L.

So

you got to just...

There's never going to be a jump-off point where it's like, oh, that was in the past.

You know what I mean?

No one wants to take responsibility.

That's why it took the Civil War to end slavery, right?

Well, I was about to say, we used to have slaves.

Well, yeah, but it took a war to end it because nobody wants to be like, you know, there's probably a lot of people on the side that are like, I know this is bad, but I don't want to fucking be the guy to admit it.

And then you have to be like, hi, I'm not going to be able to do it.

You know what I mean?

Does that make sense to you?

So they're going to just continue to do it.

Like, you know, have you ever clogged a toilet?

And then you just go, it was you.

You heat that the other guy did it.

You know what I mean?

But the other guy wasn't in the bathroom.

I know, but you find a way to blame it on literally anybody else.

There's no way to blame it.

I blame it on my girlfriend.

She caught me doing something that I've done for years.

It's one of the most

lazy, disgusting things I do.

I pee with the seat down, and if I see a little splishy, splashy, and I'm wearing socks in the house, I'll like put my foot on the bowl and wipe it.

It's a nasty habit.

She caught me.

I don't understand the physics of what you're describing.

If I get a little splishy, splashy on the paper.

You somehow sit down to pee and still piss piss.

I don't sit down to pee, Nick.

I don't sit down to pee no matter what you say to the public.

I thought that's how this started, is I sometimes sit down to pee.

No, I pee with the seat down.

Oh, oh, oh.

I thought you said I seat down the seat.

I seat down to pee.

I seat down.

Yeah.

You know I seat down.

Yeah.

No.

And then she caught me.

She was like, what are you doing with your foot on the toilet seat?

I just removed the toilet.

I saw a little splishy splash.

I just removed the seat from the toilet.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

My mom would always say, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the CD.

That's so cute.

So you could do that with your sock.

She's a nice lady, your mom?

She's a nice German lady.

German.

I met your mom.

She was.

At the airport.

You met my mom.

Nick met my mom.

Nick met my whole family at the airport.

I think it was Anaheim.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

He was coming from doing shows at Mike Racina and I was coming from taking my kids to Disney.

Really?

I had it worse.

Your family is Disney?

We went to Disney last August, but we won't do it again.

That's like a thing, like a Disney family.

You know, everybody in my family, including the children, were like, we hated this.

That's a loser-ass family.

This is a family that's into Disney.

Disney World and Land seem like to Six Flags is perfect.

Yeah.

Six Flags is a perfect size music park.

Universal Studios is much better than Disney as well.

Yeah.

But Six Flags is big.

Yeah.

Six Flags is good.

You get enough time to go on maybe two of the big roller coasters in a day.

I was at Six Flags in New Jersey with my father.

I want to say it was 1997.

You can Google and find out.

The Yanks.

The Yanks.

Great team that year.

Great, yeah.

Great.

Yeah, we lost in the World Series, but we had a good team.

Great.

But anyway, I was online for this ride, the Great American Screen Machine, and I was literally, I wasn't close, but I was in, let's say, 40 minutes away, actively on the line, when a girl fell off it and died.

Like her contraption opened.

You got your money's worth that day.

Yeah.

And then my dad heard it.

My dad was like, so does that mean the ride's closed?

We've been waiting for 40 minutes.

And I was like, what?

I'm terrified to go on.

And my dad was like, you know, we'll go on another one.

And my dad was like, I don't want you to be fearful.

I know they just died, but you got to get up and get on the next one.

And we did.

We got a ride called the Viper.

Shit, you're unbuckled because her clit actually jammed in there.

Yeah, if she was going to make a move,

there was a Nigerian man operating the ride who said Nigeria that was what you get.

It was Will Smith in concussion.

Yeah, it was the doctor.

I have discovered

a flaw with the rollercoaster.

He got into doctoring from being a moyal, a girl moy in Africa.

That's not true that Jewish rabbis, when they circumcise.

It is true.

It's true.

It's true.

It's not true.

It's not true.

It's not true.

It's not true.

Babies were getting herpes in Brooklyn from it.

That's true.

Yeah.

No, they were getting that from his family.

It is true.

It's true, and it was something that I found out

way before, like, you know, a lot of people, I found this out.

There was a story about it.

You know, babies getting

away from it.

And I would tell people, and they would would call me an anti-Semite.

And I'd say, no, it's the Hasids.

It's a different.

They're like,

Platmers that were doing it.

I had one sect of Hasas

that were doing that.

But it got made

vampires who worked at a hospital in Brooklyn where the Hasidic Jewish community was there.

From Burrow Park?

Wyckoff Heights in Bushwick.

And they said that literally, like weekly, a Hasidic Jewish man would come in with rampant STDs, a different one, because they were paying extra money to have sex with toots with no condom.

He's like, so and then they and so you think that they are not supposed to obviously be doing that, religious, but they'd all have a million STDs.

It's a big thing.

And then they're sucking their kids' cocks, giving everybody herpes.

Yeah, it's a damn shame.

It's a damn shame.

Yeah.

I I I I'm embarrassed personally on behalf of all what's gonna happen when the Messiah comes, Mashiach.

And then he sees what's going on.

Well, a lot of people say Jesus is back already.

No, is it?

It's not Jesus.

They won't call him Jesus.

No, no.

That's the difference between Christians and Jews.

Because Christians think Jesus is the Messiah.

Right.

Why do Jews think that?

They're waiting.

Jews think we're still waiting.

Then the Hasids, they have one of the Hasid groups, they have a guy.

Does Bavich think that it's this guy, Menachem Schneerson?

He's alive right now.

No, he died in 91, 92.

No, he died later than that, in the 90s, though.

He was a great man.

What did he die of?

He was nailed.

Venereal disease.

They crucified him.

They crucified him.

Yeah.

That would be sick.

Those are the guys that live in Crown Heights, the

Lou Bovich.

The C.H.J.s.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's remember that Yankees team.

Bernie Williams, Paul O'Neill.

Paul O'Neill, Scott Brocious.

Scott Brocious.

Was Posada on the team yet or no?

I think Posada, Mariano Rivera, John Wetland.

Mo, dude.

Enter Sam, man.

That's a fan.

John Wetland with the sweaty hat.

With the sweaty hat.

Remember the sweaty hat?

Jimmy Key was a great pitcher.

Fucking...

Who else was on that pitching staff?

Jim Abbott.

Well, that's 96 with one arm.

That was amazing.

Guy fucking sweet.

Why don't we have shit like that anymore?

We should have more athletes.

Yeah, we don't have any more athletes with one arm.

People forget about Jim Abbott.

You knew who I think ruined it?

Do you remember how he had Astorias?

Yeah, with his bionic legs.

Which was cheating.

South African legend.

Which was cheating.

In prison right now, actively.

For murdering his girlfriend.

You don't think he killed her?

No, he...

No, he thought somebody was coming for his arms, and he fucking shot one of them.

Which I would tell.

Yeah, and his girlfriend is coming back from the bathroom.

No, he wanted the arms removed, actually.

Did he?

Yeah, he wanted four blades.

Yeah?

To what, scoop ice cream with?

To do, like, a gallop kind of thing.

That would be cool.

Like one of those Boston dynamics robots.

Elon Musk is tweeting him out.

Those robot dogs.

It's wild that they think that that's going to be well received.

Yeah, people hate those.

They say, I mean, it's a slip.

I mean, every smart person, every top person is saying this is the slipperiest of all slopes ever.

Who are your top people?

Top smart people?

Yeah, yeah.

Who are your goats?

Louie.

Louie.

I guess Elon Musk.

You're a Musk guy.

Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Oh.

else um

I guess that's it that that's really those are your three if you ask people on Staten Island who the smartest people in the world are we would say Neil deGrasse Tyson Neil deGrasse Tyson on Staten Island Elon Musk people think Stephen Hawkins is still alive and now everybody would say Ron DeSantis

they like him because he went to MIT which I'm not saying people in Staten Island even know what MIT is but they think that he's the smartest guy

what about Tony Soprano Tony Tony Montana they like them, but they like them, but I don't know that it would say, as far as just who's smart,

it would be those people.

Did you ever have that poster where it was like all like the Goodfellas guys, Tony Soprano,

Scarface, and they're all like playing poker and stuff?

Martin Luther King.

Martin Luther King.

Martin Luther King, arm in arm.

Yeah, Ruth Bernsberg.

No, Davidson.

Yep.

Yeah, yeah.

Yep, the impractical jokers.

Does Pete think that

you're like trying to claim statin though he's like we we all know you're out that you're like a you know like outsider

no i i don't think pete i don't think pete thinks that i think pete's just drinking smart water he drinks smart water they would think actually he might be a top guy because he got the he's the spokesperson for smart water so they might they might think that but i i i don't think that he has any issue with me now claiming he doesn't gatekeep he doesn't gatekeep he doesn't gatekeep neither do the impractical jokers neither Neither does Vinny Guadanino from the Jersey Shore.

None of these Staten Islands, neither does Curtis Sleewa.

What a legend.

Legend, dude.

When I saw, I saw every time I see him in the street, I mean, it's a pound, it's a hug, it's a pick.

He's got to get the beats.

He's got to get the berets.

That's what he has.

The four-skin berets.

Yeah.

The four-skin berets.

We've got to get the berets.

I saw.

They would do the show in a heartbeat.

The Guardian Angels.

Of course, bro.

I didn't have Sleewa.

You know him?

Yeah.

Curtis.

Come on.

By the way.

Smantosani.

I got a text while we were talking about something else.

Mattie Haley, 1975.

He said,

your boyfriend, he said, love all caps, him.

Exclamation, exclamation.

For some reason, he thinks I don't think he's funny when I really, really do.

Well, tell him to come here and fucking prove it.

Yeah.

Because he's still in.

Tell him, ask him if he wants to get soaked.

Should we FaceTime?

Yeah, the British probably invented soaking before.

Dude, fix your hair.

You're going to talk to him.

Was my hair fucked?

No, no, I'm just saying it's you love him so much.

We got to get a way to stream the FaceTime to camera four.

All podcasts just have a fucking TV.

There's a way, so the switcher has a fucking.

He's not going to pick up it.

Why not?

Dude, he's so nervous.

Look at him.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, you are.

I'm not.

You're such a bitch, dude.

Dude, he cried at Nexus.

Alright, look.

Unavail.

Dude, take that screenshot where it says unavailable

and then I send it.

No, let me see if I look good.

I love that guy.

Have you hung out with him?

No, never met him.

I hung out with Ross from the 1975.

He was awesome.

But I never met.

What's he like?

Is he like, I'm also in the band.

I work on the music.

I'm also in the band.

Rachel.

No, he was cool.

I went and saw them at SNL, and I've never been to SNL.

I've never been to the after party.

Oh my God, God, you look like a fucking smoke in this pic.

Let me see.

Unreal, bro.

Wow.

And

I thought I was going to meet him, couldn't, like, could not wait.

And then only Ross came to the after party.

And Michael Che was there.

He was like, dude, I've never seen a band not come to the after party.

Or only one member.

That's disrespect.

That's disrespect.

Rockstar's band.

No, I love it.

It makes me like him more.

No, he was in trouble from us stuff.

Yeah.

Oh, that was happening.

It was our fault.

People are trying to get the band band banned from Japan.

Yeah, yeah, because Nick made a joke about

it.

I criticized Japan for being a race.

Fascists.

They're fascists.

Yeah, yeah.

They are.

They're anti-fascist.

They're announced.

Everybody's, you know, white people were not the worst.

I'm not saying

Don King.

The rape of Dawn King, the rape of Nat King Cole, yeah.

Japs were not, they weren't good back then.

And that's what he's referring to.

You're referring to ancient Japs.

You're talking about Japs.

It's a different thing.

And the Russian people.

The reason they all kill themselves.

They're still because they can't do that anymore.

Right.

And also because I think they identify with their careers too much.

They are so intertwined with I am a, you know, I work as a receptionist that when that's over for 40 years, they kill themselves.

That's a big thing because they don't have any value if they're not working.

Yeah.

That's the Japanese thing.

I agree with what

said.

And, you know, I fucking, you're not going to get the 1975 out of Japan.

I'll make sure that they're in Japan.

Oh, my God.

I'll literally make sure.

I'll fucking kill all of them.

Last samurai.

That's it, dude.

I'll go and I'll kill everybody.

If you're a German, you can maybe

talk to a couple guys.

Yeah, I can broker a deal with them.

Do you think they're like still cool as Germany?

Japan?

Yeah.

They're like exes.

They don't talk anymore.

Listen, bro, I think that, yeah, they don't forget.

Do we forget?

What if you found out you had like one person, you did 23 of me, 1% Japanese, you were all Axis.

You had Italian, German,

Japanese.

I would feel great.

I'd put on a Yugo boss suit,

do some meth, fucking.

The Yugo boss suit and the fucking bonsai

sheet.

I would feel awesome, dude.

So

I think it would be wrong personally.

Right.

After what they did.

Well, we'll see.

Finland became NATO yesterday, so we'll see.

Did that happen?

Or today, yeah, officially.

Are you going to fight if we have to go?

Are you going to fight?

Fight where?

In Ukraine?

Yeah, will you go fight?

No, I'm fighting for Russia against Ukraine.

Oh, you're pro-Russia?

Oh, you're a mercenary.

Yeah, dude.

I watched the Navalny documentary this weekend.

Did you like it?

There's one part that's sick.

It's a prank call.

He does like a prank call of the guy who poisoned him.

And he's like, hey, I'm from the head office.

I'm just doing like a report.

And he's like, maybe we should do this in person in person.

He's like, no, no, no, I don't have enough time.

And then he just got this guy like on a prank call to say exactly how he poisoned him.

He put the poison in his underwear.

It was pretty sick.

Yeah.

But I think Navalny is.

I don't know.

Poison underwear.

They poisoned his underpants.

That's funny that that's the stuff that KG.

Well, he was on a plane, so they stole it.

Did you see the amount of pain he was in on that plane?

That was pretty terrifying.

Like, you could just tell.

Like, it looked like he had a kidney stone or something.

He's got a daughter named Dasha.

Dasha.

Yeah.

Dasha Nadovny.

Navalny.

Navalny.

The rape of Dasha Navalny.

She goes to Stanford.

I looked up her Instagram.

The Stanford Cardinal.

Are you really a Russia guy?

You like Russia?

No, I just don't.

I just don't give a fuck about Ukraine.

I don't trust any of it.

I know that there's a million people that can explain it.

I don't know what any of you guys are fucking talking about.

I have no idea.

I have no idea

what's going on.

And to me, it's like...

To me, that's white-on-white violence, not my problem.

Exactly.

If you're walking in getting applause breaks from Congress,

it's fishy to me.

I didn't like that at all.

They're just flipping weapons, dude.

As long as they didn't have Afghanistan anymore.

That's it, baby.

And they want that oil schmann.

Supposedly.

Oh, yeah.

Russia has

Russia or Ukraine, right?

I mean, I think that's what that whole Crimea.

There's got to be a new drug in the pipeline.

Something.

There's got to be some type of drug they can make in Ukraine that the CIA is like, oh, this is going to be way better than heroin.

Well, they make a lot of male-order brides.

Right.

Fine-ass girls.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Apparently, at the beginning of the war there was a run on Ukrainian women in China.

They were just like buying, they were like the Chinese men were like just like going crazy.

They were like we can get them all because they're considered the most beautiful women in the world in China.

Ukrainian?

I mean they are to the Chinese.

But they're also considered

in the world.

They're considered

a better Chinese evening than eating a bucket full of live baby rats and then fucking your Ukrainian bride.

I think they look pretty good in Ukraine.

What?

They look pretty good over there.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

What would you buy if you were a Chinese businessman?

If you were a Chinese billionaire?

I wouldn't buy love.

I would just find it.

It's crazy.

You ever accidentally end up on Alibaba.com?

Yeah, of course.

You try and buy something and you click on that thing and it's a link and then it's like the machine that you buy for a factory that makes the thing you're looking for.

Yeah.

Like you want like a lint roller and then you end end up on Alibaba and it's like industrial lint roller maker.

It can provide you with a thousand a month from Guangzhou.

But that website looks like such shit and that's like their Amazon.

Yeah.

And that guy's worth so much money.

It's fun to like buy a bunch of shit and then forget about it and it comes like four and a half months later.

From Alibaba?

Yeah, from Alibaba.

It takes forever.

Yeah, I'm going to order a printing press when I get home.

Oh my god.

Multiple one, like Benjamin Franklin?

Yeah, yeah, Guggenheim Press.

It's a Gutenberg.

It's a Gutenberg press, right?

Gutenberg.

Is that the one they made the Bible on?

Yeah, the Gutenberg Bible.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Am I wrong?

No, that sounds right.

Steve Gutenberg?

Police Academy.

It's not Guggenheim.

That's a musician.

Have you seen that film?

That one I've seen, but I don't remember any of it.

Oh, it's very good.

What movie?

Police Academy.

Oh, yeah.

I'm not a big film, you know.

I wish I don't have any hobbies.

Really?

You like history?

Just 1975.

You like Russia.

Yeah, but I kind of lie my way through the facts anyway.

That's what I make up a story.

I make up a story of what I think happened.

That's what history is.

That's the story is.

Yeah, yeah.

History is just who's the best at storytelling, and then they tell you what happened with a little bit of flair.

You ever like listen to like America's enemies tell the story about the war that we learned?

It's always completely different.

Yeah.

First of all, it's not even in English at the time.

Yeah.

You ever hear a Vietnamese guy talk about the Vietnam War?

Yeah, I'm like, what is this?

I can't understand what the hell he's talking about.

What the fuck is this guy talking about?

First of all, put your shit in the middle.

You're making that up.

You're making that up, bro.

You're completely naked wearing flip-flops, screaming at me.

I i don't know how things operate in vietnam you should come over here we put on shorts at least we've talked about it before but you should see this documentary the act of killing what's that about it's about like uh these indonesian death squads basically the nazis won there so they like they did the holocaust and then the nazis won and then so they like remember like uh just like butchering like uh right yeah they just follow all these guys that were like uh like basically warlords that murdered a bunch of people and so the documentary's going around and they're like local celebrities right and they're like yeah you know so this is b we we loaded them all into this van and then like hooked the exhaust up to the window and we gassed 15 people right there on that corner.

And before the war broke out, they all like sold tickets to like uh movies.

Like they were all scalping tickets.

Okay.

And so they all like were watching American films and so they all like dress like ginzos.

They all dr like they think they're like John Travolta.

Right.

They're like so they dress like they're in good fellas but they're also like Indonesian like fucking you know you know killed thousands of people how long ago this is like in the 60s oh when you have fun so anyway so they so this American guy goes and he's like I want to make a film about your great victories and so he has them reenact like

their like you know death squad like killings and then there's like a scene there's like a moment where the guy realizes he's like I'm going to hell aren't I yeah the final scene the guy's like he's just he's like showing them the top of this restaurant where he executed a bunch of people and then he's like thinking about it for a second and then he just starts like dry heaving and like you know almost throwing up because he's like oh yeah I murdered all these fucking people

but why did that revelation happen like right then and there because it probably happened like think about

think about our country we did that to the to the native americans right and like

we don't think of it as like a great national shame yeah but we didn't do it.

I didn't do it.

Yeah, I didn't do anything.

Yeah.

You're doing that thing where it's like I now got to pay for something that happened 200 years ago.

Oh, my God.

I'm fathering Puerto Rican kids.

What else do you want me to fucking do?

So am I.

I came up with the Cleveland steamers.

Exactly.

I'm the hell.

That was a great idea.

That was a great idea.

It's a joke that's probably been made 10 billion times.

Do you feel like

AJ Soprano, when he's dating the Puerto Rican girl, he goes to the Puerto Rican Day parade and he's got all the flags and stuff?

Do you remember that episode?

Yeah, they're my kids.

That's so holding them for the puerto rate.

Do you go to Puerto Rico?

Yeah, well, I went one time last year, but we didn't go to

my girlfriend's family's village.

I fucking went to the Ritz-Carlton in Dorado.

I'm not going there.

She's like, but that's my heritage.

I was going to ask,

did you go to the jungle, I guess?

No.

You didn't go to the village?

No, dude.

I fucking went in the pool with my shirt off.

See, I would go right to the jungle.

I would meet Balou and see his plane.

Yeah, no.

Yeah, hang out.

I didn't step foot into that village.

I would love it if my girlfriend was a village.

San Juan's great.

It's such a nice vacation to go to San Juan.

San Juan is nice.

We landed in San Juan and then we got right in a van and went to the resort.

So we didn't really go.

I didn't really go to Puerto Rico.

I went to an American property.

I went to the beach.

Yeah, I went to a hotel.

Like, everything's propped up.

But they were like, look at the village.

But then a mile behind the Ritz-Carlton was like, you know, Indonesian killings probably very bad.

But I don't, yeah, so I went to Puerto Rico.

Yeah, I was in Puerto Rico before me and Lewis were friends.

And before, like, there was like a six-month period before me and Lewis were actually friends where I would just like

mock at him on social media or like fucking jump into his periscopes and like give him a hard time or whatever.

Just for no reason.

If it's no reason, he would get really mad.

Yeah, I was like, I would go, I was going around calling myself the Puerto Rican rattlesnake.

Yeah,

he did not like that.

No, yeah.

He took that seriously.

Yeah, no, I went to Puerto Rico and there was somebody had a license plate that was just, because everybody speaks Spanish.

Right.

So nobody, like, he just, it was just the issued license plate from the DMV that was gay 182.

And I was like, oh, I found Lewis's car.

Right.

And I like tagged him in it.

And he was like, do you want to fucking die?

He sent that to me.

He's like, bro, do you want to fucking die?

Do you want to die?

But now you guys are friends.

We had one night where we just did cocaine and then hung out.

Yeah.

I never did that either.

Yeah.

You never did Coke?

No.

But you did steroids.

That's the thing is like, but I want to start doing some of that stuff, like the mushrooms, the ayahuasca.

It's not the same as Coke.

You think I have to do Coke?

No, Coke is stupid.

You've done it.

I say acid.

If you haven't done it, you should do it at least once.

You've done it?

Yeah.

Like a lot?

Not a lot, but I've done it, and it's

I think it's great.

And it's a great deal.

It's like fucking $8.

I think the only good drugs are like hard drugs.

Right.

What's the hard...

You've done them all?

I've done a decent amount of heroin.

Yes, I've done heroin.

Injected?

No, never.

I think once you do that, once you inject it, it's like...

He was doing it at like middle school.

Not middle school.

I mean, I was like 17.

And when I say I've done it, I've done it like a handful of times.

Okay, but

what was it when you did it?

I guess, do you smoke it then?

No, you snort it.

So then what happens to, like, what did you feel?

What was it?

You just get

like, I'm trying to think, what's like the, like, you know, when you go to like a sauna or something, like a hot tub.

You know, if you're just really relaxed, everything, there's like no stress.

Okay.

You're just sort of heavy and you feel like it.

That's what you felt.

But that times like 150.

Okay.

It's like you're just you're like melting.

But how did you not get addicted to it then?

They say you always, everybody does.

How did you not?

Well, I mean,

like lack of access.

I mean, as a teenager and like, oh, if it was around, like, friends had some, I was like, I'll try it out.

But and then, yeah, I mean, I guess I've done pills, but never.

If I had access to opiates the way like you can just go to the store and buy alcohol, then absolutely.

I mean, I feel like a lot more people would be addicted.

But Brace told me that once you're addicted, you're you're just doing it to not get sick.

You're not even getting high, really.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like you just need to like get right.

But it's not like you're not feeling like you do if you're like just do it like that.

Blows sucks, but after the second year of the pandemic, it was just fucking everywhere.

Well, there was

no coke every single day.

Because what else were you doing?

No, we weren't.

We were doing it?

Yeah.

Huh?

See, that's the thing.

I think I didn't do it.

Coke is just to have three more beers.

That's it.

Acid is like, acid is like, I laugh the whole time I do it you do it with your bud Does anything open up like spiritually like like that stuff genuinely it's like really corny to say but genuinely I leave it with like

Thinking about things and then kind of taking away like a lesson always right and there's no legal dosage of acid that you can overdose on right I don't think you can I don't think they have no but I watched like five hits yeah but I do like a half so it was like invented by the government to do mind control right you know it's not like

but it was like they were just throwing pasta at a wall.

Yeah, but it worked.

Charles Manson.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

That was an MKL guy.

That was, yeah, whoever killed Kennedy was probably mind control.

Yeah.

She Teshowitz

killed Kennedy.

Yeah.

Because I'm interested in doing, I went through a lot of my life, I guess, growing up more with more conservative parents where I was like, you don't do drugs.

You can drink all the alcohol you want, but you don't do drugs.

Well, drugs are lame.

I mean, it's honestly.

But I want to do them now.

Go for it.

But yeah, don't.

yeah i i i wouldn't i i i don't i've never had on any kind of hallucinogen like any kind of like break spiritual experience no mushrooms night most of the time i've ever done mushrooms the best i felt is like good for me i'm not like freaking out or having a bad time but you have had opposite where you have freaked out on mushrooms not where it's been like really bad there's like it's in and out so like you know like i there was one time i did mushrooms with friends and then for whatever reason i was like let's watch super jail i made them put on super jail and i don't know if you've seen that show show.

But the animations, it's like just violent and it's like, or even watching it not fucked up, it's kind of like

jarring, yes.

And then I had to go lay down in another room and then put on the Toontown scene from Roger Rabbit to

come back from it.

No, anytime I've done, had a bad trip on mushrooms, I just convinced myself that

everyone hates me.

My parents hate me.

Everyone hates me.

But that's true.

No, it's not true, actually.

It's just a paranoia that you have to make, you have to make right with the

music.

You're one of those guys like you look like,

be like, oh, you know, this guy, you know, I should not like him or like,

you have an unlikable look, but you're I was thinking that about you, actually.

Yeah, but that's why I was getting to that.

What?

Because I think we both have, we both surprise people with our personalities.

Because you have like a sensitivity about you.

Right.

I could tell.

And you're, and you're not,

I thought you were like a, you know, like a liberal like woman.

Homosexual.

And you're not, though.

You're not at all.

You're like the opposite.

But that's true of Rachel Maddow is like that, too.

If you hang out with Rachel Maddow in person, she's like fucking in this fucking

C-H-I earbong.

Yeah, they all are like that.

She finger pops.

Yeah, Rando's.

She talks about how much pussy she gets all the time.

Yeah, she's always.

Constantly.

I believe it.

Yeah.

Most people are like that.

Yeah.

I believe it all.

No.

You're a good guy, man.

Yeah, you're a good guy, too.

And you're one of the.

And

yeah.

And

I know ball.

I'm a misogynist.

Right.

Yeah.

Oh, you know ball, yeah.

Yeah.

Basketball mostly?

Baseball, football, all balls?

All balls, but not so much football and baseball anymore.

But I like going to baseball.

Same.

It's nice to go.

What was the trampoline basketball called again?

Slam ball?

Slam ball.

That should have gotten bigger.

Yeah.

No, I'm mainly MBA.

You know what started that is rap rock.

They came up with rap rock, and then there was this thing where, like, we got to combine everything.

Everything's got to be two things in between.

Mashup culture.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

What, Your point guard?

Yeah.

What was your game?

Distribution?

You're a long ball?

No, no, no.

Shooting threes.

Threes.

Threes.

That's white excellence.

That's it, baby.

I would shoot threes.

And Jim Boheim, the legendary coach at Syracuse.

Syracuse.

He told me this basketball camp, the Eastern Invitational Basketball Camp.

He said, I feel really bad for you.

I was like, why?

He was like, because you have a Division I jump shot in a Division III kid's body.

So

you're not going to make it at all.

Were you six flat?

Six foot?

yeah so it's not you're not going you know you can't play college basketball I'm small right and then a casting director told me like 15 years later that

take your shirt off he said he goes I feel bad for you he goes because you have lead man

you ever made a mole before yeah he told me he was like you have leading man face and best friend body so you're not gonna make it and I was like You should have punched him in the fucking.

You know what they told me I was too short for?

Fucking Red Dead Redemption 2.

For voice acting?

I did motion.

like they well it would have been motion capture went to the audition and they were like yeah no that was great, but you're probably like too short.

I'm like it's a video game.

Yeah, just do like fucking just scroll scroll me.

You're small and and light but strong you'd be a good like F1 driver.

I would be

I would be a good video game character.

No, no, you should be I'm I could be Mario easily.

You could put me I have the perfect body type for motion capture and put me in the Xbox.

That's all I want.

I just want to live in there.

And they told me somehow I'm too short to be do you eat like once a day?

Do you not eat that much?

No, I eat pretty frequently.

Yeah, I'm vegan, so I'm okay.

So but that's how you stay.

I'm just eating shit all the time.

Right.

Yeah.

And how, and what was the decision to go vegan?

Didn't come after drugs.

That was on your own input.

No, no, it didn't.

Well, that's relatively recent.

Me and Racine.

Massive life decision.

Me and Racine were in Chicago, and we had both just felt like shit from eating like shit.

And then we had one day where Racine was like, yeah, you want to go to Sweet Green?

And I'm like, yeah, fuck it.

Let's go to Sweet Green.

And then I was like, what if I just did this all the time forever?

And then I had to, when I started being vegan, I mean, the first couple days was just going to sweet green, like twice a day.

And that's all you ate?

Yeah, it was like a Subway Jared thing.

And then I guess it's like,

I mean, there is,

and I don't know if I've made this argument, and it's not an argument, probably, but like, I guess I kind of always like bought the idea that like there's no ethical like argument for eating animals, right?

Like factory farming's fucked up you could say ultra

food or whatever but i'm not doing that you know right there's other people say oh well you know like if you like the soybean farms they have to that like you know like kills all these animals or whatever it's like yeah well so do the fucking you know like all the like that then your argument's against factory farming not necessarily eating animals the only point i'm making is this is that i know i i guess i always there's bought the argument that it's unethical to do it okay but i always thought it was too much of a hassle to not so it's like okay i'll do the best i can and and then i started doing it it was really easy and so i think it's like the same thing to me it's on literally my head occupies the same space as like not misgendering trans people where it takes zero effort and it's like it's probably the better choice so then i'll do that just because it's like it's easy to eat cheese no to not misgender trans people

yeah so it's the same thing so like not going up to like a

and i don't care i'm not like a trans activist but i'm not gonna go up to like a trans person and be like hey hey, fella.

Trans activist?

Yeah.

I don't think you should be an asshole to people.

Right, exactly.

You should hurt their feelings.

Yeah.

If they want you to do something, just do it.

I mean, it's not going to, it doesn't have any effect on me.

So the short answer is I do the vegan stuff for ethical reasons, but only because it doesn't require much of me.

Do you feel like when you take shits, they're S-shaped?

No, never.

That's a sign because it's a sign of good

in Chinese

religion.

Yes.

Your S-shits.

It was a Confucian.

Yeah, well, Nihao, in Chinese, it means many S shits to you.

What are your ticks?

What are your weirdest

habits?

You probably have some strange things.

Biting my toenails.

You bite your toenails.

You can do that?

Yeah, really.

That's like a sort of a vegan flexibility.

Yeah, that is.

It's kind of like a yoga.

I got long feet.

Yeah.

That,

they don't reach to your head.

No, but I got, you got a bunch of other joints.

See, you just did it.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know if I have my hips or tight.

I don't know.

I do that.

What else do I do?

I take a lot of cough medicine.

Oh, DXL.

I guess in a way, I take cough medicine like five or six times a week.

That's really cool.

I take my kids' cough.

I don't know.

I take my kids' children's dimetap.

Wait, well, that just tastes good.

That's why I think I've got to do it.

It's kind of kind of a drink.

But when you vibe out to it, you take it and you're like, I don't even know what it does to me.

It's almost like having a cup of coffee now.

Like, I just take a teaspoon full of children's dimetaps.

Almost regularly.

That stuff is bad for them.

So it's in the same class of drugs as PCP and ketamine.

So then you're right.

I am doing drugs.

You get wet every day.

Oh, yeah, that's what I do.

I remember I did it once freshman year of college and my dick.

My kids so small.

Yeah.

And I was like, my dick's never coming back.

It's going to be just tiny for the rest of my life.

I fucked up my dick.

Yeah, that's me.

And you can't move.

You have to walk along a walk.

It's weird.

You feel like you're on the moon.

It's a really stupid way to get high.

Yeah, it is.

It's dumb.

I knew a kid that got circumcised at 19 years old.

Mm-hmm.

It's fucking wild, dude.

Was it like a Native American rite of passage thing?

Yes, I was like, I'm not sure.

No, he did it for his girlfriend, for his girlfriend at the time, because she didn't like that he had skin on his cock.

They got to stop telling us what to do.

I'm sorry.

That's it.

Then she dumped him.

She dumped him like a week or two later and he just had a bandaged dick.

That's crazy.

You know about those like tribes in the Amazon that they have like a rite of passage where you have to stick your like a dick in the like a bullet ant

like a gourd filled with bullet ants.

Or what about the ones where they thought to cure AIDS they would fuck babies?

Yeah.

That was a nice

one, dude.

That was a good one.

Dude, again, again, one of the all-time dubs of

normally a dark horse in society is like the pedophile that convinced people that that was the way to get rid of AIDS.

Yeah.

You know?

Because imagine that play.

Imagine you're like a pedophile.

And you're like, this this is going to be a long shot.

Because if I say this, they're going to know I'm a pedophile.

But if I'm right, if I get them to do it, that's like, it's like he.

Michael Mann should make a movie about that guy.

Yeah.

Fuck Ferrari.

No Enzo Ferrari.

The next Michael Mann movie should be about the guy that convinced the pedophile that convinced people to fuck babies.

It's kind of like Freud.

Like Freud clearly just wanted to fuck the shit out of his mom.

And then he said that all guys want to fuck the shit out of their moms.

Right.

So he just like made his thing normal.

Fucking your mom has has got to be that is more vile than pedophilia you're not you're not italian you're not italian that's the that's the most german thing you've ever said yeah good point yeah i say wow that 23and me is real because the the wops and and us fellas the j-boys were in love with our mothers but to fuck you want to fuck them

There was some comic coming.

No, not for me.

Not fucking.

Do you know that guy, Andrew Short?

Do you remember him?

Oh, yeah.

Schultz?

No, Andrew Short.

He disappeared.

He used to do comedy in New York.

Yeah, Andrew Short.

He was good.

He was.

He had a tweet one time that said Valentine's Day, or Mother's Day is just Valentine's Day for Italians.

Yeah, that's good.

Yeah,

that made me chuckle a lot.

It's probably one of my favorite tweets I ever saw.

Did you retweet it?

I'm sure I did.

There you go.

You just got to show love.

Yeah.

I remember getting a Nick Mullen retweet back in the day.

It felt like flying.

I was like, wow, I got 40 likes.

I was like, I feel like I feel like Tila Tequila.

I feel like an internet sensation.

Nazi.

Yeah, she became a Nazi.

She had some scandal.

Oh, damn.

She lost her mind.

She had

like a Bromfman or some really

old money family.

She dated one of the daughters, and then the daughter died suddenly.

I've just read the Tila Tequila Wikipedia recently.

And then I watched the port.

Real quick,

you got to get out of here.

You got to go.

You got to go to Facebook.

What time is it?

Did he FaceTime back?

249?

No, he didn't, dude.

Did he take us home to the future?

Anyways, thanks for joining us this week on the Adam Friedland Show, everybody.

Salt Lake City this weekend.

Dallas.

Friday, Saturday.

And go see Chrissy at San Antonio, April 13th, and then September 23rd, the Hulu Theater at Madison Square Garden.

Unreal.

Thank you so much for coming.

The man.

Fantastic.

The best guy.

So much Christian.

Christopher.

Multasanti.

Multasanti.

And Dave, are the lights broken?

Do the light thing.

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