Ep. P08 – Caleb Pitts

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Hello and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show the podcast.

It's Wednesday.

I'm here joined with my best friend Nick and I got the game on.

Guy if you're going to be

talking to the laptop.

Maybe is Dave is his lab and

my lab is my lab good?

Because

we were told the audio was good.

We got Caleb Pitts in the house in the his

Sorry about the audio.

I don't think they can hear you, Dave.

Dave, why?

Dave, if you want, you can plug an XLR into the board and get yourself there.

Actually, Dave, can you do that and apologize to the audience?

I will.

Okay.

We got Caleb Pitts in the house for the band in 1975.

Thanks for coming.

What's up?

My boy, we've been going on the road together.

Recently off a neck injury, which I don't know if you want to disclose that.

Yeah, no, that's fine.

I had a.

Shout out to Corey G in Providence for fixing.

Corey G, Providence, Rhode Island.

Is that the the guy that owns the club?

No, that's our dude.

He was the host.

It was two men over 40 named Corey.

A little shocking.

Yeah, we didn't know.

That's how old Corey's are now.

Corey's gotten old, true.

Corey in the house is like 57 years old.

Oh, really?

A little black kid?

No.

Corey in the house is 57.

Is he the one?

No, Raven's brother.

Everything of George Floyd is the one who was killed by the police.

Not Corey in the House.

It wasn't Corey in the House.

It was that So Raven's brother.

It was George Floyd.

No, it was that So Raven's brother who got killed by the police.

But separately.

Oh, man.

He had a toy gun.

Because she got fat?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He saw how fast she got, and then he did a suicide by a cop.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know,

last week Brace was here.

Yeah.

And he was talking,

I don't know if we leave this in, but he was talking about how fat Lena Dunham has gotten.

Nick, let's, let's,

I'll say, no, let's stop that train of diet.

I'll say, no, I'm a little interested.

No, I want her for the show.

Like, I'm desperate for her for the show.

Why is she not?

She's a genius.

She's

really is a genius.

Well, let me finish my point.

Okay, continue.

Because I said, hasn't she always been fat?

And he said,

no, you don't.

His eyes got wide.

He said she used to be.

He was terrified.

Yeah, he was.

I'm with him.

But I looked her up.

She's finally as fat as she was always supposed to be.

Oh, so she's doing well.

It's weird.

You look at her now, and she makes sense.

She was in.

You know how

like this, what we got.

That gay in-between

length.

Yeah, we're doing it together.

We're growing our hair together.

Oh, that's sweet.

I'm sorry.

Once you got it down to here, it's cool.

But the fucking like Ryder Strong kind of

she had the woman's body version of the rider strong haircut.

Where her hips are too big for her body?

It's just her body was like, where do we put all this stuff?

And it's like, you know, you got its shit here.

Now it's organized.

I like it.

She looked like a snowman.

It's like she was hot.

They remodeled it.

You move into an apartment and you get like, you have like art in one room, but no chairs.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

That's kind of she furnished her body right she had like you know she had one huge tit covered in tattoos right that was my memory of her like a script just

in 2014 is all of robert de niro's tattoos from cape fear on her on her titanium counselor does she still do anything does she do any kind of they let her direct something hollywood i should have kept letting her work in my view well i'm saying she looks good now if you lena if you want to come on the show to discuss we would love no not to discuss that, but to discuss.

So I want to publish.

I don't know what we're there to talk to her about.

Yeah.

So you're fat now.

Yeah, so you had a rapid wake up.

There's other things.

Tell us more about how bad you look.

So you're big as shit.

Yeah.

You're fucking big.

Yeah.

You put her on two chairs, like, that makes sense.

She's going to break one.

Just a wheelchair?

Yeah, just stack chairs on this.

Put wheels on this.

Yeah, yeah.

A fucking penny farthing, fucking

giant wheels.

Strap her in like she's a wild animal.

I just have a garden hose, so I'm just

keeping her wet the whole time.

Do you want a fish?

You want a fish out of a bucket?

Should we give you a fish?

We have a contractor show up and he's like, yeah, I'm here to remove the wolf and what you lose.

Yeah,

the fire department will be bringing her down.

Yeah, yeah.

Isn't it crazy that that's what you think you become a firefighter?

You think you're just like, you think the life's going to be just like

in the house, benching, fucking just steamy showers with the guys?

You know, there's a fire, it comes in, you go and fucking do your backdraft thing, back to the house,

steamy showers with the guys,

more bench pressing.

Yeah, but it's all just lifting fat people.

Yeah, that's it.

That's what being a fire.

Depends on where you imagine in Texas.

You should call it the fat department.

And then, yeah, the fat department also handles fire.

Oh, yeah, we also do fire.

Fat department.

It depends on I don't feel like I don't see that.

You know how you got big bitches down in North Carolina?

That's what I'm saying.

It's like, oh yeah.

Let me make this.

Real quick.

Yeah, go ahead.

You know, everybody says, oh, the sacrifice the 9-11 firefighters made.

Yeah.

I can only imagine, I'm a firefighter, and I get to die instead of picking up fat people.

I would be ecstatic to go in the tower.

Right.

I finally get to be a hero.

You finally get to the top.

If you die helping a fat person out of a building, you're not a hero.

If you get crushed yeah by Lena Dunham that's bad can you imagine too like the 911 firefighters they make their way up the stairs they get to the 99th floor and then that's the it's just all just like can you help me just 500 pound people up there

and that's why they died them again it wasn't that the stairs were blocked it's that's where they kept that's where they kept lena dunham's production office come on i want her for the show

come on the show i want her for the show she will be i just want to publicly tell her that maybe we said

inappropriate or maybe even earlier on the show, but I was going to say maybe back in the day, I might have said inappropriate things because they said that she was a voice of a generation.

Thank God they got that Freedom Tower up before all this woke stuff started.

Yeah, thank God.

That's a good point.

It would be

the fucking LGB gender fucking

building.

Yeah.

That's a good point.

If it had come out in 2018.

Oh, my God.

Instead of, you know, before the disease, whenever we remember wokeness,

got right under the woke mind virus.

Yeah, it is pretty horrible, man.

No, we like Lena.

I like Lena Dunham, man.

And I do think she's beautiful.

Yeah.

I like those big-ass kind of girls, man.

Really?

Your girlfriend is pretty attractive.

I wouldn't say anything.

She's married, so I'm not going to disrespect her husband by commenting on her body in a sexual way.

Yeah, I don't know.

I'll just say she looks fat as shit.

I mean, that's.

Who is she married to?

You were married to her?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Really?

No, no.

I wish.

No.

That's how he hurt his neck.

Going down on his 500-pound wife's nose.

So he broke his neck.

No, I like big, beautiful women.

My wife is skinny.

But maybe I'll fatten her up.

She's like, it's like fucking a fucking bicycle now.

But if I can.

You're a feeder.

Yeah, maybe I'll feed.

Yeah, we did an episode recently where we went into the whole feeder thing.

It's a pretty massive.

Episode of what?

Podcast of what?

Podcast about a list.

Granted.

It's a podcast.

No pun intended.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They have two forums.

One is they have a separate one for

the pitchers and the catchers?

No.

No.

They have a straights forum and a gay forum.

It's all feeding.

And it's practically Facebook.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where there's guys who are like doing, we found guys doing like line break, weird Twitter jokes on the feeder forums.

I could totally be one of those guys.

A feeder?

Absolutely.

Or a feedee.

No, a feeder.

You would feed people.

I'm an enabler, for sure.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I also don't know how to keep somebody happy.

So like if I'm dating somebody, if I've, you know, if I find out they like Teddy Grahams, it's okay.

Guess who's just showing up the Teddy Grams every bullet?

Yeah.

Yeah, there was like there's guys who like the feed the feedy thing I understand because I do they have like slang for the feeder and feed E?

It's feeder and feedy.

They don't have like in the community they don't have slang.

Not that I could tell.

Like the the feed E is like the hole or something or no that'd be better.

Yeah.

I guess I understand the feedy thing because like eating is like who doesn't like eating?

And kind of losing that instinct to like keep yourself from eating would be nice but the feeder thing of like there's a guy who is like sending 50 bucks to random people with the caveat that they had to spend it on food food they like Romeo feed yeah yeah they like buy food for for their feedies

it's kind of amazing

it's a cute name Phoebe yeah what are the names of the forums Grommer and Phoebe Grommer Grommer's the gay one Phoebe's the straight one oh okay Yeah.

So Grommer's like Grinder, but there's...

Yeah, it's G-R-O-M-M-R.

Gromer.

And then there's the people who want to eat other people, which is kind of interesting.

Vor.

That seems like a completely different thing.

They lump them into the scent lump.

They lump them into the scent.

Is the food sex community?

It's all just one forum, and there's guys who are like, Chicago's cold tonight.

I wish I was eating somebody.

Is there, are the sushi on the naked chick guys in there, too?

Or they're like...

No, that is so hot, man.

What?

What do you mean?

The naked sushi women?

That is so funny.

I guess you go with it.

That was probably, yeah, that was like an early TV boner for me, I think.

Really?

I was watching that on like

Ripley's Believe It or Not or some shit.

Yeah.

Did you believe it or did you not believe it?

I didn't believe it for a while.

They never really give you the options and not believe it.

There's nothing on that show that's like...

It's not that crazy.

Yeah, right.

No, they have like right before the commercial, like a quick, tell us if it's believe or not believe.

Oh, okay.

I've actually never watched the show.

Mario Lopez, right?

I just knew a guy that was on it.

Who?

I don't know where.

The Lizard Man.

You know The Lizard Man?

I do, yeah.

Yeah, really?

From Austin.

He used to deliver him pizzas.

Yeah, I used to tell him, well, I didn't deliver.

I delivered him pizza one time.

I knew him because he would do comedy.

And what was funny about him, and I've told this story before.

What was funny about him is he wasn't like bad.

I mean, you know, for a guy that just started doing open mics, he knew how to write jokes and stuff.

But like, you know,

like somebody should just pull him aside.

Switch the camera from me.

I don't don't like the vape on the screen.

Continue.

What's going on?

He put the camera on me because he knows it.

And you haven't apologized yet to the audience.

Continue, Nick.

Yeah, no, he wasn't like that.

He was like, like, you know, he could write jokes.

He was funny.

But like, you know, you have to tell that guy, like.

He just did lizard material?

You're already a lizard man.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like, you can't be fucking Dave Cooley, an also lizard guy.

It's kind of a nice icebreaker, though.

There's stuff, like, you know, I always get, I get a little bit jealous of comics who are little people or have, like, some awful disability or something.

It gets me so pissed.

Because, like, dude, what?

I mean, I have bald, but when I was doing, when I had the neck brace on, it was so much

so easy.

I mean, it looked so funny.

It was so easy.

There was a guy in San Antonio that was a burn victim.

He was like a Gulf War veteran.

That was scary.

Looked like a ghoul from Fallout.

We've got Snape.

And somebody told me a story about watching him burn.

Or not Snape, Voldemort.

And, like, that's got to be the toughest comedy show to watch.

The guy just with his face is melted off and he's like, boy, I'm really on fire up here.

And then just getting nothing.

It's really mean not to laugh after everything he went through.

I'm pretty impressed that he had face.

But then you don't want to be the one guy, lad, like Max Cady in the unvent and comedy show.

How bad was it?

Did he have like no nose?

Yeah.

No eyelids.

It's crazy how people all burn the same way.

They all look like that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like a red skull.

It's almost like humans are a recipe.

And that there's this one final step in the process.

They just didn't put us in the oven.

Yeah, well done.

Yeah.

Which is sort of how Nazis think, if you think about it.

We're back on that.

Maybe they weren't even anti-Semitic.

Maybe they were just trying to create the Übermensch.

They're like, oh, just preheat.

Sorry, go ahead.

No, thoughts on this?

This whole thing?

It's the most well-researched period in history.

It's pretty much case closed.

I would say maybe Bible.

What did I say?

I'm not denying the Hall of Fame.

No, you're trying to build an alternate history.

Maybe the Nazis were accidentally did it.

They were just trying to work out and get it.

Isn't that nicer?

Isn't that kind of better to believe?

Yeah.

No.

You have to know that human beings can...

That's better.

You believe that if it was all an accident,

it's kind of a more optimistic.

No, no, no.

You have to believe that human beings have to do with the people.

One defense of the Third Reich, I guess, with the Holocaust.

Yeah.

Is that if you look at some of the other stuff they were doing, like, do you know what Derglaka is?

It's this giant bell that was supposed to summon demons or something.

That's cool.

That they were working on that.

And I think they were trying to find Santa.

They were involved in.

Oh, like Glockenspield.

So it's like, if you're trying all of this crazy shit, and one guy's like, what if we

burned all of the Jewish people?

That doesn't sound so crazy.

When you consider the context of making a bell to summon something.

I guess what you're saying is that's a defense because it's less crazy than making a giant bell.

He's a spaghetti on the screen.

He's saying so.

Yeah,

they're trying to find their thing.

They're like, let's try

our thing.

Remember when you got an earring?

It's the same.

Yeah, it's kind of...

It's literally the same.

Maybe it's the Hollywood.

You got a fit-in cap and an earring.

Maybe they find a genie or something.

They're really just interested.

They have a broad.

It's broad.

Maybe we fight Indiana Jones and a doom.

Yeah.

Which that's probably, that was a.

Indiana Jones is also the bad guy in those movies.

No, he's not.

Because he just wants to bring everything to one of the movies.

No, he's moving it for America.

For money, for British American movies.

Yeah, for capital art.

For doing it for America.

For capital artists.

All of a sudden, somebody's doing men as well.

Go ahead.

He's doing it for our country, the greatest country on earth, dude.

Isn't he doing it for our money?

He doesn't give a fuck.

Yeah, no, he wasn't.

His dad's British.

Yeah.

Yeah, but he's like...

He hates America.

Yeah, he's doing that.

Yeah, but he's a professor at

Indiana, probably University.

No, he's a professor at the British Museum of Art.

His name is Indian Arts.

He's doing it for them?

I'm pretty sure because his dad's British.

He's a fucking Benedict Arnold.

His dad's dad's like, oh, find me stuff to bring back to the museum.

Bring a little Asian boy with you.

Go fight the Netsies.

What talent.

Yeah.

I've tried to get into those movies so many times.

There's a new one coming out.

Did you see Young Indiana?

You mean the Crystal.

No, the Young.

Crystal Castles.

No, Crystal Castles and Crystal Castle.

Tumblr music.

Yeah.

Which was not, which you know that she was abused?

No, I I would imagine.

Oh, my God.

Really?

I found that out recently.

I was listening to the music.

Dude,

that was good talk show cadence.

You know she was abused.

Did you know that she was completely abused?

She was kept as a student.

Everybody's better at this.

That might not be true.

It sounded like

it's a great at the same time.

Look at his feet.

Look at how casual he is.

Outfit is pretty nice.

That's a nice outfit on that.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure people can hear me breathing right now.

It's like labored.

Do you wear this outfit every episode?

It's just to clip the lab mic on, and I spilled Chinese food all over my shirt.

I did see that.

I didn't didn't want to call it.

I didn't know if you were doing it on purpose.

No, this is the only way I can clip the lab on.

Oh, okay.

I like the look, though.

Yeah, it's alright.

Also, I'm trying to get fatter, and I kind of want it to be like a s surprise.

I don't want to take the Lena Dunham route of like failing to get fat for a decade.

Yeah, and just every apology video, you get 10 pounds fatter.

That's kind of how she did it.

Yeah, yeah.

But she would always, like, she's one of those girls that like makes, like, makes up new like disorders.

She has.

It's always two last names.

Yeah.

She has, like, fucking, like

Bocce Hoppenstein disease.

Yeah, yeah, something like yeah, Japanese Jewish usually.

That's what I mean.

She has Wayne Kennedy

Brown disease.

That is fatal.

If you're you have Finkelstein Hochi Moore disease.

Nakamoto Schwartz.

That's terminal almost every single time.

Yeah, I got a Sony PlayStation disease.

We are company.

I toyota Volkswagen disease.

I've recently been diagnosed with Sony Erickson.

I'm Bosh and Lam.

Yeah, I got Kia Sorrento.

Yeah.

What were we talking about, though?

I don't know.

An old man told me that I was a fucking asshole during my set on Saturday.

He was getting...

When you go out on the road, did people scream at you?

Do you walk people pretty often?

No, I think

people are kind of shy.

I'm like,

I mean, I did club comedy much longer than that.

They got tough doing club comedy.

Well, it's not that I got tough.

It's like

no, no, I go on stage.

I spend so much time as a feature that it was like I'm trying to just be like, oh, hey guys, you know, like I still have that in me.

That's what I do.

Which doesn't come natural to me, but I mean like it's like, you know, I want everybody to have a good time.

You're not trying to beat it up.

Yeah, so I never like, I don't like get into it with people.

In Charlotte, there was a fucking Asian lady that got like really upset.

Yeah, the only people that I felt like Tara, I wanted to cry.

That's what I was saying.

That's how he was too.

Yeah, because you want people to have a nice time.

Well, first of all, she's fucking drunk.

You know what I mean?

Steve Shaw.

She's like, she's snapping at me the entire time and the club's not like doing anything about it and then she starts like almost like tearing down the fucking like curtains and i'm like like what's going on are you like all right yeah the club has to deal with it she's like you fuck

you safe

fuck you you know that stuff she's just trash and i'm like right well now everybody's paying attention this lady that's got to be fucking humiliating and it's like yeah i mean i i hate that it like ruins the night and then you feel bad the next day yeah you want to like entertain people yeah i i was like uh it's great to be here in provincetown like uh people told me this is like gay Boston.

Then there's like an old couple in the front row.

I was like, I hope these two gay fellas enjoy the show or something.

And then he's like, you're a fucking asshole.

And then his wife was like, please don't stop.

Please stop.

And then I was like, and then I offered her money.

Try to give her 20 bucks.

Yeah.

And she was like, no, please, no.

And then he's like, I'll take your fucking $20.

And then he like storms out.

He looked cool.

He was like West Coast Chopper style.

Yeah, yeah.

He had handlebar.

The palm.

Yeah, gray handlebar and flannel.

Yeah.

He looked really good.

I think in New York?

I never understood why that show was.

Yeah, that show.

America's County Choppers was Orange County, New York.

That would always confused me when I was a kid.

I was like, what the hell is going on?

Yeah, yeah.

What is the hell is this?

They're not from Newport Beach.

What the hell is this?

I would say that every time I would sit there.

Yeah.

What the hell is this?

Yeah.

What is it?

I missed those old.

Was that on MTV?

I have no idea.

No, that was on like A ⁇ E.

Yeah, my favorite of those was Monster Garage.

That was the best show.

Which one was that?

Jesse James?

Jesse James.

And the show would start off and they'd be like, Jesse James is the descendant of Jesse James Outlaws.

That can't be true.

Well, he says it, but I mean, it's also true.

It doesn't matter.

Yeah.

He's already, he's good at something.

We can just see that.

We don't need to know that he's related to this.

He's a bike mate.

He made bikes too, right?

Well, they did like, yeah, they did like custom cars and stuff.

There was a challenge on each show where it'd be like, all right, you gotta take a fucking limousine and turn it into a fire truck.

And that's gotta look like a limousine still.

That's fun.

Yeah.

It's like, remember Junkyard Wars?

Remember that?

They'd get a family, and they'd put them in a junkyard, and they'd say, make a boat.

Fine dinner.

Yeah, no, not even fine dinner.

That would be a better show.

But the war was always about building something.

Oh, like Battle Bots?

Yeah, it was like Battle Bots, but you had to use

an old fridge and a Nintendo and stuff, and they'd just make the worst shit ever.

Battle Bots is still going.

Is it?

My grandpa watches Battle Bots pretty much episode.

Your Italian grandpa?

No, the other girl.

I said it on the show before, but my idea for a Battle Bot was always

you make a Battle Bot that has like an iPad on an arm,

and then

it also has a cellular service.

And so as soon as the battle starts, it's also very fast, it goes past the other robot up to the guy controlling the enemy robot, and it goes up in his face and there's child pornography on it, and then it calls the police and it's like, this man is looking at child pornography.

Yeah.

That's pretty genius.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know if that would be a TKO.

But it would be funny.

I think it would.

You think it would be a TKO.

I can't go on.

I can't go on.

Is your family going to come to our shows?

It's called Tattlebots.

How about that?

Oh, okay.

Taddlebots.

Both of them are doing it.

Well, no, that one is called the Taddlebot.

Oh, okay.

We said it's called, like, the show is called Tattlebots.

I was rewriting the joke.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Because that would be a, I mean, that's a stalemate every time.

Unless you can somehow find something worse than child porn, I guess.

Well, they would, the strategy would be to try and disable the iPad before

it.

It's kind of interesting.

You get one surprise with that.

You have to cut the HDMI.

But then it would be this kind of...

You have to use your orbital fucking.

Well, that would be just, then it would turn just into Battlebots, but everybody would be doing it blindfolded.

Like guys who can solve rooms.

I don't know why someone didn't just make one with a gun on top.

They kind of do.

Oh, do they?

I mean, they'd have like they have one.

I know one that has places and it hits a guy with a controller.

I think it's bulletproof glass around the whole thing.

Is it?

Wow.

But they do.

They can use guns.

They get pretty.

I love the ones where they get the main bot and then they have like a little one next to it for some reason that just does nothing, just immediately dies.

It's pretty cool.

That's sweet, dude.

Yeah, it'll just be an RC car.

There's people that went to school to get an engineering degree because of that show.

Every single person that they show, it's like Derek from MIT.

Yeah.

It's like that.

Right.

He's like, well, somebody already made Facebook.

Yeah, so I'm doing that.

I'm making a battle bot.

It's really impressive stuff.

But it would be a better show if they didn't figure out like two years in that the best bot just flips the other one over.

Any time they try to do anything cool with a hammer, flamethrower, it sucks.

It just has a ramp and it's a triple.

It's just a ramp and it j as soon as it hits the edge of the other bot it flips it.

You know what I was thinking about?

I I learned this recently.

I was looking at pictures of um you know how like Japanese people's shadows got burned in the sidewalks during Hiroshima and Nagasaki?

Like apparently, because

you learn that the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings were this horrific act, right?

So they say.

But apparently, the fucking blast from a nuclear bomb, the like radio, the

because of the...

So you're doing one of those Dresden Was Worse things?

No, I'm not doing Dresden Was Worst.

Yeah.

That's also bad.

I mean, mean, whatever.

Dresden sounds awful.

Dying in a nuclear bomb is probably the best way to die.

Really?

Because the fucking, apparently the blast of whatever the

magnets or whatever the first part is, because there's the light.

I think it's magnets.

There's magnets and then the light or something.

That,

it works, it goes, the wave is faster than your nerves.

So you literally don't, you just blank.

You just stop existing.

You don't even have time to blink.

That's true.

Oh, that's about the the end of Sopranos.

For your brain to, like, send the signal to your eyelids to blink, you're already fucking evaporated.

Yeah, that's a, I kind of forget that there's some kind of lag built into the human body.

Well, if we could keep the death penalty, but somehow used a bomb, like a nuclear bomb

called Chris Nolan.

Yeah.

That would be the way to continue executing people, I guess.

It's amazing.

You know, anytime I watch I look at the, anytime I've seen pictures of the people imprinted imprinted on the walls, it's amazing how thin they are.

They're amazingly thin people.

Well, I think it's because the light wraps around them a bit.

Oh, that makes sense.

In fact, to even leave a shadow, you probably had to be Lena Dunham-size.

No.

So it was all the food.

It was all the yokozo.

We love her.

We love her.

Kind of Gary Larson style.

We joke because we love.

Anyway, what were we saying?

We were just...

They were skinny in Japan.

They probably didn't have a lot of food because it was wartime also.

It looked like a beautiful place.

Yeah.

Hiroshima, it's in the south.

Yeah.

The dirty south.

It's in the dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty south.

I just got diagnosed with Nagasaki Donum disease.

Have you seen her dad's art?

No.

Her dad.

Is it all over the walls in Tony Podesta's house?

Have you never seen her dad's art?

No, you would love it.

It's literally, he draws like...

He draws like aboriginal people like doing goat scenes.

Their dicks and that's her dad yeah and their pussies and their giant boobs it's very very funny and that's like her dad all of her dad's art is like like a lady in some in a village with like her asshole is like puckered like like this it's really incredible stuff does her mom actually do the tiny furniture photography or was that just in the movie i never saw tiny furniture i didn't like it really no that was her big break that was her big break and it was all about how it sucks for a rich girl to have to be a waitress after you graduate college i mean that does suck man

i thought it was about how every piece of regular furniture felt to her yeah we love her

we love her

we love her as a seven million pound you you you she's like a yeah you make fun of the ones you love you know that's really

um anyway maybe she wouldn't be so big if her instead of leaning she was a stand-up straight uh

okay

she's kind of doing the yeah on what i slouch so much i feel bad for the pole she's leaning on.

She's great.

She'll knock it over.

It's great.

Yeah.

She called it Alina Tower of Pizza.

Well, that's how it got that way.

Yeah.

She said, oh, I got to take a breather for a second.

She goes four feet from a hot dog stand.

Yeah.

An Italian hot dog stand.

And she leaned on the pizza tower.

I go to Italy so badly.

Yeah,

you're Italian.

You're half Italian.

or 17 or 20% Italian, yeah.

I thought Peter DeVito.

Can you be 20% of something?

Yeah, if it's like enough.

I just did 23 in me, and it was heartbreaking.

I found out, I never knew the black Irish, found out I was 60% Irish.

See, that's why I don't trust this website, because it doesn't make any sense to me.

How the fuck can you be 60% Italian?

Well, because you're thinking of it as like people are, there's plenty of people in Europe who are 2% Italian.

Just somewhere down the line, it got split enough times.

Can they be two?

It always has to be be divisible by

it can only be, you can be 50%, 25%,

12.5%,

fucking, because you have two parents on either side.

So it's always going to be a fraction of 50%.

From like, you know, back in the day,

you're 60%.

It doesn't make any sense.

You never add up to 60%.

Well, because somebody is a little bit.

I just understand it as like, well, like, I have a little bit of Irish on one side and a little bit on the other side.

Yeah, but do the math.

Nah.

But how do you, how do you, at some point, that's what I'm saying.

Because that's so fucked up.

from the olden days

you go far enough back you have to be it has to be somebody with three parents to end up with the number right at 60%

What do you what are you Irish Nick?

Well my point is this is that he's American for at some point I don't think gender existed This is amazing.

Yeah, let's go And I think that that they like that's the only way if you look at the DNA you can end up with 60%.

We must have had a thing that was yeah two guys or it's a guy

pussy or something.

And then, yeah, there's multiple types of, you know, so even our idea of sex is probably a recent invention.

Some might say, even as late as the Reagan administration.

That's when they admitted sex, the way that we have it now.

Yeah.

Modern sex.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because you think about Wayne Newton.

What the fuck is that?

Yeah.

That's K.D.

Lang, but a lounge version of K.D.

Lang.

Right.

Yeah.

Which is, what the fuck is a K.D.

Lang?

I don't know.

I don't know who either of those people.

Who's KD Lang?

How old are you?

25.

When we were kids, we were listening to KD Lang.

That was like the biggest thing when we were kids.

Really?

Wayne Newton.

That was like Jonas Brothers, right?

I like Joji.

Me too.

Me too, Dave.

No, I actually never heard a Joji song.

Dave, the apology, you said we said.

We don't use the words Me Too in this office, Dave.

Yeah, Dave.

Stop throwing around accusations.

We don't say Me Too in this business.

That would, yeah, those are always, this is a small enough operation that a Me Too would be really disastrous.

A Me Too and a three-person thing, that's not good.

What about a 3-2?

Well, that's what I'm saying.

That was all relationships prior to the 1980s.

That's where you got new people.

Yeah.

It's three different gender-fluid people raping each other.

Dude, Dave, his first day working here, he started cleaning up and he, like,

he took off...

all his clothes and was wearing a brawn panties under his men's clothes.

He was wearing that.

He's like, that's what I thought you guys liked.

And I'm like, Dave, you do that kind of job.

You're always talking about my friend.

You saw that kind of picture of his penis.

That's what you say.

That's what friends do.

That's not nice.

Do you do that too?

No.

What is that?

Nick got mad at me when I did it in the group chat with him.

And then the other guy started doing it.

Why do you do that?

I don't know.

It's weird.

It started during COVID.

It started during COVID.

My friend Brian started it.

The bit is that it's gay to send your dick.

I thought Buddy and his girlfriend were talking about

Polly thing.

Yeah, he thought thought i was polly he thought you were getting he thought i was he thought i was poly no but i said it to a group i was worried about

that's what that the bit is that it's gay to send it to a girl but it's cool if you send it to your boys i felt like it was grooming he never said it hard then it's gay again and i i was worried about my friend for political reasons i wasn't grooming him into being polly we all saw what happened to virgil texas

we actually didn't really see what happened yeah we didn't i don't know i guess we didn't he just quietly got fatter under that blazer

until until until his body pushed his penis

into a child.

I don't wonder where he is at.

He got so fat his penis tip just touched an eight-year-old.

I'm actually growing my penis by getting fatter.

Oh,

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to.

I accidentally touched my penis tip to a preschool.

Oh, hey, I meant to tell you.

I got so fat my penis tip touched a preschool.

Wow.

Friend of the show.

God bless you.

Friend of of the show.

Come on.

Friend of the show.

He's like an opium den somewhere.

God bless him.

Dude, he's okay.

He's smoking one of them long pipes.

Exactly.

That's what you do when that happens to you, I think.

Was smoke a long

pipe with your buddies in a big business.

What's Andrew Callahan doing now?

Because he didn't.

He was like, all right, I'm out.

He's back at it.

I feel like he got

out, dude.

That's funny.

He's Robert De Niro at the end of Heat, getting away.

We love him.

We love him.

Friend of the show.

Yeah, good for you.

We'll probably find out that

he got a fucking $80 million deal from HBO.

He was like, no, watch the Joker's exit.

I got the money.

I'm out.

I'm going to pay 900 girls to say I beg them for pussy.

You live in an ashtray, but you don't smoke in here?

Ian Fidance did.

And Ariel Pink did.

Ariel Pink, I don't mind.

Ian.

What the hell is Ian doing?

He's really annoying.

Ian might be the most annoying.

And it just, it's somehow endearing.

I don't know.

So endearing.

Dude,

him catching shit for that video.

I heard about that from him.

That's funny.

Dude, obviously.

And the video is so funny.

The video is funny.

Because he's got this principal Skinner outfit on.

He's like a substitute to him.

He doesn't wear that on stage.

He just had it on.

Literally, it was probably at a funeral.

And he's like, yeah.

For someone that he does.

He has a suit on?

Yeah, yeah.

No, no, he does.

He does like.

And he's like, you like like communism?

Ian does that.

Do you ever read a history book?

And then it's just like, wow, like, boom, boom.

Does he crush?

Does the audience love it?

I don't know.

I can only watch it knowing Ian.

And I'm like, this is.

Dude,

Ian

MCs the talent show for his like Narcotics Anonymous.

And he says that he just brings guys with like broken backs from heroin like on stage.

And

it's Ian doing his acting.

But then he'll say stuff like that.

that, and then I'll be like, and it's like really good for them, man.

It's like real life because if you practice gratitude, man.

It's like really good for them.

Yeah, it's great for them.

And it's amazing seeing the change in them after they get their backs broken at open mic night at the fucking NA meeting.

That's amazing, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm

pretty jealous of people who do AA and stuff.

It seems fun.

It's good for youth group.

Show business networking.

Yeah.

In LA, it's all

networking for the meeting.

I'm going to meetings here and there with other people.

Yeah.

And I don't understand how the people don't run out of stories.

Because every time I've been to one, like I've never been to,

I'm always assuming these people meet every week.

And then a guy that you must have seen a billion times is like, yeah, so I fucking, I got, I got fucked up and I stuck my dick on my son's face.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that's when, you know.

There have to be a lot of lies.

That was my rock bottom.

But it's like, does he get up every week and be like, hey, it's Eric.

So I fucked my son.

And

you guys know about that.

But I'll tell it again.

He's doing a big sagging kind kind of wheel of time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Every time it's always like that, like, you know, is it different stories?

And they always say great share.

I loved your share, man.

Yeah, I guess at some point you are just like...

I mean, it's the same thing with doing a podcast.

You just do the same stories over and over again.

You've got to relapse to

write a new album.

You have to live a life worth commenting on.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Did you see Marin's new special?

I watched a couple minutes of it in the hotel.

Wait, is this the one where he takes down Rogan?

I guess so.

I think I saw a clip where he like he's telling some joke and then the tag at the end is like, yeah, and then the guy goes on Joe Rogan.

Yeah.

There was one about people I watched in the hotel.

Shane said it's very good.

He said it's good?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I used to love it.

He's been doing stand-up forever.

I made a mistake when I was like 15 and I bought

Doug Stanhope on Mark Marin and now anytime I plug my phone into a car, it just starts playing.

You bought it one?

Yeah, I bought it on iTunes.

It was like $1.99.

1993 no this is when he before he had like a subscription thing I have a thing where it's like any audio file you download to your computer it'll just open in iTunes for some reason so I would do that I would plug my shit in but then it would be like fart noid like sound effects that I had to get for other stuff that's better than like you know I'll pick up my mom from the airport or something and I will we'll start driving away and it's also what the fuck yeah that shit just starts it's pretty embarrassing yeah maybe I'll watch them I haven't watched a stand-up special probably since Allie Wong's special in 2018.

The pregnant mom one?

The pregnant one?

I think so.

It's called I Don't Want to Be White.

Speaking of my mom, man, she loves that special.

Allie Wong.

I remember her thinking it was funny.

Well, you'll love this.

My mom said that's

her spirit animal.

I'll say that.

Oh, man.

That is.

That's great.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's like, Allie Wong is my spirit animal.

Can your mom come to our shows in North Carolina?

I think she's in the forest.

It's far, right?

She's on the coast?

Yeah, she's in Wilmington.

Speaking of, I'll be in Omaha next weekend.

Damn, I hope I die soon.

I really don't want to be touring anymore.

Yeah, why they send us a house in the world.

Why do they send us to these kind of places?

You've only gone to nice cities.

No, but I got to go to like Salt Lake and stuff.

Yeah.

They'll book you, and then they run out of nice cities.

And then you have to go to Fort Wayne.

Because you can only do nice cities once a year.

Well, I was booking myself last year, and I booked all the Helium, so I had a couple of them.

I mean, I did Buffalo and Indianapolis.

But Buffalo,

bad, you said.

But the shows are funny.

It's just that the clubs are like, they're like 350 or something capacity.

And it's like, even that many people live in this town?

Yeah, for sure.

And then, yeah,

Indy was hard.

I was like, can we just bring the home can you just let the homeless people live in here?

And I'm sure.

I'm telling whoever's there next week.

Caleb was telling me during the movie pass days in Boston, it was just homeless people are getting movie passed and just every movie theater was just filled with.

There is a theater.

There's a theater in Boston, the AMC Lowe's Boston Common, that is all, like half of the audience every day is homeless people.

But it's also like, they just kind of sit there with their bags.

That's what, now I can't, like, movie theaters freak me out just from going to movies there.

Because I thought every single time they were going to do a mass shooting at the fucking Predator Rema.

Joker?

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

Do you remember the media drama about Joker before that came out?

They were like guaranteeing it.

Like you could put like a prop bet on it.

Yeah, right.

Like dude, they're gonna kill, somebody's gonna do it.

Can you imagine being that stupid and then you just keep your job?

Yeah.

You can continue getting to like have opinions.

They were trying to do that James Bond where they predict the news.

Everyone was like,

everyone's like, someone will get killed tomorrow.

Yeah.

At Joker.

It's like, do you not understand how schizophrenia works?

Yeah.

It's not like, you know, they're not like, ah, I got to go kill a bunch of people with a Joker movie.

Yeah, no, they fucking.

Joy Ann Reed said so.

A movie shooting I forgot about until the other day was the

train wreck?

Amy shooting.

Yeah.

Completely.

That was like the last one.

Wait, someone shot up.

Amy Shoot.

Someone killed

six people or something.

Like literally five minutes after the story broke, Kurt Metzger was telling me his fucking representation was like, do not say anything.

Don't post anything.

Don't say anything.

Stop.

Yeah, that one.

Okay, here we go.

That one I don't even

know

who the shooter was.

I feel like that was never covered.

It was just that one was almost a like it was funny.

Probably somebody that got the fucking vaccine is who it was.

Probably.

Probably an early version before they released the virus.

It's probably another female comedy.

We're debating whether we want this to be.

Deathly Madigan.

Yeah, it was

an anti-vax show or not.

If this is an anti-vax show.

Yeah, I don't know.

But I got it, Nick.

What?

The vaccine.

So did everybody at Fox News.

And they've been anti-vax the whole time.

I'm ready to start talking about

COVID.

What?

I'm ready to start talking about COVID again.

I feel like it was kind of boring for a while.

Yeah.

Now it's kind of funny again to me.

I guess we're going to go to war with China now.

Yeah, we kind of have to.

Yeah.

I think it's like, good luck doing that because, first of all,

how many of regular Americans even know what a Chinese person is?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Your mom thinks they're animals.

Not even real animals.

Fictional animals.

Yeah, unicorns.

Spirit animals.

You get a lady like her mom, and then, what, she's supposed to watch Tucker Cross, and he's like, we got to go to war with China.

And she's like, we got to kill

Amy Wong?

Allie Wong?

What's your name?

Allie Wong.

Yeah.

Yeah, I haven't watched a stand-up special in a while.

The last one I watched was with that Chappelle one with you and Stav in

the cabin.

And it was bad.

Yeah, we watched 10 minutes of that.

Oh, what's the guy?

Who's the fucking guy from the Jerry Seinfeld documentary, The Comedian?

Michael Richards.

Kramer.

No, guys.

The documentary.

Comedian.

Jason Ellis.

No, what's his name?

Ornie Adams.

Ornie Adams.

He put out a YouTube special.

And it was so.

People didn't, I guess, don't remember that documentary that he was like...

Yeah, he got an idiot.

Well, he got framed, I guess, by the documentary.

That's what they say.

Because I guess he, like, the reason that they did.

What is the documentary?

You never seen Comedian with Ornie Adams?

No, I never saw it.

Seinfeld was like getting back into stand-up after the show and met this guy, Ornie Adams, who was this, like, delusional, like, middle-act act who would work like comedy clubs in New York and do like 10 shows every single night.

Nice.

And

was so it was supposed to be a about a documentary about him getting back into stand-up, but it ended up just being about this guy Ornie Adams.

That's what you're giving me.

Is this?

No, Dave, I told Dave not to put it when I'm.

Sounds like we got our own ornery Adam

here.

Dave, what about the vape va vaping on the Dave?

You got a microphone at XLR so you can say sorry about Brace's.

Yeah, Brace's audio was fucked up.

I guess all the audio was fucked up.

Yeah, it's really not Dave's fault.

It's funny how much.

This feels so relaxed in here, so nice in here.

It's really hot

cultivated a nice kind of show.

I don't know how we're going to do it this summer.

Well, that's it.

We won't have a Dick Havitt show.

We got the Dick Havitt Show.

It is really laid-back.

If you go back and watch Dick Cabot, I don't mean, a lot of people say they like Dick Cabot, and then they'll cite like the greatest YouTubes.

Go put on the Decades Decades channel and watch a regular episode of Dick Caves

with fucking Rosemary Clooney and like some guy who's like, has glasses so thick he can see into the past.

Yeah.

And then fuck, watch that and tell me it's any different than this.

No, I'd never, I think you guys are the first time I ever heard about Dick Cavett.

I thought it was like when we were kids.

Plinko ball guy or something.

It was Dick Cavitt and Katie Lang.

Katie Lang and Dick Cavot.

One and two.

It was like Jake Paul and KSI.

And every Thursday, Katie Lang would go on Dick Cavett and show her genitalia.

She was pre-code.

Dude, she was like the hottest girl when we were kids.

Katie Lang.

You want to see a pic?

I'll show you a pic.

Let me use your vape.

Shut up, bro.

Katie Lang is the reason men stopped wearing suits.

Did you know that?

Really?

Yeah.

She is.

She is.

She's fire, dude.

Check her out.

All right, you got me.

You guys got me.

All right.

Yeah.

Once again, the old old men win the reference war.

You guys got me.

Damn, she just broke up with her longtime partner.

It looks like.

Oh.

Back on the market.

What's her longtime partner's name?

A hot chick.

Jamie Price.

Splitting after.

Sounds like the price wasn't right.

Yeah.

We're back on the Adam Friedland show.

And we're back.

Kelly Price.

Maybe related.

Maybe not.

What kind of name is that, Price?

You got Kelly Price, you got Vincent Price, you got KD Price.

Mm-hmm.

You got Price Check?

Yeah, Price Check Alpha.

You got...

Remember that?

That was a big joke back in the day.

What?

You just say Price Check on Alpha.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was kind of like this is a Wendy's.

Sir, this is a Wendy's?

Yeah.

I never actually heard anybody say that.

No, there's all this Twitter.

I'm bringing it back.

There's all this Twitter humor that's just

like media people trying to do drill.

Yeah.

And none of it is funny.

Yeah.

And then it's all just these these people saying the same dumb shit back to each other.

Yeah.

That if you said it out loud, you'd be like, oh, I'm going to kill myself.

Yeah.

I met him in L.A., and he is not Jack Nicholson.

No.

I thought the whole time.

I thought the whole time it was Jack Nicholson.

No, he's just a normal guy.

You thought that he was maybe a fast Jack Nicholson?

I thought he was a Jack Nicholson.

In a car.

Yeah.

Blown away in a convertible.

You thought that was going to be him?

Yeah, I thought that was him, too.

Yeah.

Who were like the hot shakes when you were a kid?

Like Caio?

What is Caio?

It's a furniture website.

What is it?

What is

the...

I thought it was a kid's cat.

Caio?

Yeah.

Bob the Builder?

No, I don't know.

I like the bottom.

Diane Keaton.

I love her.

Good.

Yeah.

Diane Keaton.

She foreign.

Dude, how good.

I'm trying to think.

We watched It's Complicated, which is, I've talked about it on the show.

It's a fantastic movie.

We both like it.

Drill is in it.

Drill is in it.

No, no, that's something's got to get it.

That's something's got to get.

And

we did this joke.

Every time she gets touched,

no, it's not Diane Keaton.

It's fucking

Diane Lane.

We're talking about...

Not Martha Streep.

Meryl Streeps.

Meryl Streep.

Meryl Streep.

Myery Streeps.

Yeah, but every time she's getting fucked for the first time in a long time because she's a woman of a certain age.

And every time she gets touched, she's like...

But kind of her reaction is also anytime somebody's like, hey, do you want to get lunch?

She goes like,

just like that.

Yeah, so we just, the whole time we were watching the movie, we just,

the joke, the bit was that she was queefing.

And you're ADRing farts in.

Every time she gets touched, so she's like, I'm Steve Martin.

That's what I love about comedy is that it doesn't matter how good anyone is at it or how much work you put into it.

Yeah, yeah.

You just take any video.

and add fart noise.

It's the funniest thing ever.

It's the hilarious.

And if you do it for an hour, 45-minute remote.

My God, that's Jason Bourne.

That's fucking amazing.

Yeah, I mean, especially somebody who's kind of as

put together as Meryl Streep.

Yeah.

We're such a legend, right?

And just imagining her

ripping pussy the entire movie.

Yeah, like

they do that thing where they don't show the sex, but they flip back in bed and they're like, I love it.

They're sweating.

And that's the same thing.

That's the best part of sex.

Just laying back down and going, oh, oh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I run around the apartment like a cat.

Yeah, me too.

I immediately just

start chewing on my asshole.

Oh, man.

I got a piss again.

Oh, do you?

Too much coffee?

Did you drink?

Oh, it's the coffee.

I'm full of water.

I'm waterlogged.

You're back in the gym, dude.

Your water life's.

I gotta gain at least 10 pounds.

How much do you weigh right now?

It's bad.

It's like 147, I think, in the morning.

This morning.

Yeah, that's it.

That's

felt.

No, it's not.

I lost so much weight during the pandemic and then

just, uh, yeah, now I don't have an appetite.

What are you, 240?

250?

Come on.

What?

I don't know.

I don't know how much men weigh.

182 pounds.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This morning.

Track it every day.

I'm like.

Do you have a

do you have like a s a smart scale?

No.

No, just a regular scale?

I'm not allowed to use smart scale like that in my house.

Why?

Because my fiancé is like

real into like Amish style, like everything.

We have like a like a corn broom and shit.

So I can't do that.

Oh, yeah, she works at a store that only sells that kind of stuff.

Yeah, so I have to like, if I get an electronic, it has to be like very small and hidden.

So my scale is like this big and it doesn't work very well.

It's basically the food scale that I sit on every day.

That's insane.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The way my life is

pretty nice, you know?

Yeah.

She's an artisanal type person.

But she has an iPhone.

Yes.

Can I say something?

She's on it all pays the bills.

Can I say something sexist?

Shoot.

You were saying to me that she sucks at cooking.

Yeah.

The rule should be: she could be like that, but she has to be good at cooking.

Oh, yeah.

No, she's terrible at that.

Then she's not

allowed to get fucking like cornbread on it.

She's just, I've, she's never

gadgets.

It's really sad when I'm not even going to say it.

When a woman's bad at cooking.

That's too far for Nick Molly.

I hit my limit doing, like doing the fucking I mean

every time I've never said this to you before

anytime I do the Holocaust denial thing it's like it's like all right here we go again

playing like

staring to heaven I guess I'll say this shit again

yeah you kind of you should move in a little more you should you could be more of an absurdist into the second half well I always look for that and then but 90% of the time it's like black people should be slaves.

I got nothing.

Sorry.

I don't know where you know

because that's it's fun when you figure out the little the way out.

Yeah.

You know to dig a hole get out sort of thing.

But I'm just I'm a hole digger these days.

Yeah.

That's all you do you dig the molecular

gravedigger.

That's an amazing movie.

We talk about it every episode.

Shia LaBeouf played Gravedigger, the monster truck?

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, but it it was spelled differently.

Holes made you that's the the only movie I've ever seen that made me want to eat an onion.

Doesn't the guy from Iron Chef Japan eat an onion at the beginning?

I don't know, but I was watching that movie like, mom, buy onions.

It's pretty incredible.

Yeah, no, that is, this is the Dick Cabot show.

This is Dick Cabot, yeah.

Just having David Bowie be like, yeah, it's the only time I've ever wanted to eat an onions.

Dick Habbitt being like, yeah, that's.

Really?

That's interesting.

Do you think

that

you've ever wanted to send a name?

We got to tell our bookers to get us Dick Habit.

Apparently, he's around.

Is he live?

Yeah,

he's like 90.

You guys need to have stand-ups.

You guys need to come out.

There's an opening for that.

Yeah, no, well, that's what we do.

Oh, a comic.

Yeah.

No, I mean, you should cut to over there.

Yeah, yeah.

And you don't need an audience or anything.

Just have...

Have them just walk through the picture.

Yeah, but we booked the worst stand-ups in the world.

Well, no.

We have a lot of ideas for the show.

It's just

we don't have limitless resources.

We have to.

Yeah, but that's not something that's expensive.

Yeah, that comics to stand in front of that green screen.

Yeah.

A comic will do that for some methadone.

Would you guys do house band?

That's another thing where it's like, we gotta pay the methane.

It makes good at piano.

And then they just have to sit there there for the hour.

We should do an episode where you're a housebanned.

We should do an episode where we're the houseband.

Mm-hmm.

And then Ian Fidance hosts the show.

Oh, yeah.

We're going to add a $50 tier, which is you get jam sesh.

There should be a $100 tier.

Bigger.

Bigger diet.

And you're banned from all the other content.

But you get to watch Ian Fidance host the show.

And no one, it's just his homeless friends.

He just gets you.

You don't let him use the booker.

He has to book his own guest.

He's like, so you found a rat in your ass.

Tell old

Unkey Ian.

And that'll be his thing for six months.

Because Unkey Ian must have been a little bit more than a hundred.

I think he's full-time cane these days.

Yeah.

He has a cane now.

What?

Yeah.

Ian?

Yeah, you're not the only injury comedian.

He hurt himself?

Yeah.

I think his back.

Doing what?

Go ahead.

I don't know.

I think he's just old.

I think he got his back blown out.

That's what I was looking for.

Yeah.

That's what I was looking for.

I know.

Yeah.

By who?

A guy.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'm starting to get the hang of this whole thing.

Yeah, it's not bad.

It's really nice.

It's really nice.

It's really

comfortable.

This is so much better than when I did the podcast, dude.

You guys should have been doing this the whole time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, we hated the podcast.

You came on probably pretty late in the year.

I think I did probably the worst episode you guys ever did.

No, people liked that show at all.

People like that.

No, we had fun.

No.

People came up to me

after our Providence shows and they were like, man, they should really

have you on the podcast.

And I was like, yeah, I did it.

And they were like, dad, I don't even remember.

Oh, that's fine.

I was such an unsuccessful

shit guess, dude.

That doesn't mean that it was bad.

I mean, 90% of any podcast

is bad.

Unless you're having one of those NPR podcasts where they write the thing.

And it's all about, today we're learning about fucking Turkey.

With Ira.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Today we're

learning about Turkey.

No, you're not.

It was in 1983.

We recorded probably

estimatively 5,000 hours of content.

And you could boil that down to maybe 22 minutes of

YouTube.

Yeah, but for the most part, I would probably say that.

This is great, though, because people like to watch us.

They like to see our body language.

They like to see what Adam is wearing, what his fits are.

You have an amazing cock

energy at the moment, I'd say.

Yeah, I always said that about it.

I get a little self-conscious about crossing my legs.

trying to open it up a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, I have to mentally not do it.

I got big ass.

See, I try to cry.

I mean, I try to make an effort to cross my legs because somebody told me at one point it makes the hemispheres of your brain cross and it makes it easier to think.

And who told you that?

I don't know.

Scientists?

Some insane.

Some insane bitch

at some point in my life.

But I'll hear things like that.

Because it's weird.

I'm highly conspiratorial.

True.

If the government's like, you know, you got to put on a seatbelt, I'm like, yeah, why?

Uh-huh.

For Israel?

Yeah.

You know,

but if anybody, like anybody just says something to me, I won't think about it for a second.

They're like, you know,

if you put your fingers in your ear for 20 minutes every day, it lowers your blood pressure.

And then I'll just be at home.

I'm like, oh, I've got to do my fingers.

I got to get my fingers in there.

I do the same thing.

That's why I started.

I wake up and I just look directly at the sun because it supposedly wakes you up.

But it's definitely bad for your eyes.

Oh, for sure.

Look at the sun.

That's what I was always taught.

Yeah, it's fun.

I look directly at it.

I can do like like five or six seconds looking directly at the sun.

I do remember when Trump did it.

I miss him.

Yeah.

He's coming back.

I know.

I can't wait.

There's no way DeSantis can.

I mean, he's going to body him.

Yeah.

He's going to body him.

I just don't think we're going to have a president.

That's been my stance for years now.

We don't right now.

I think 2020 was the last election.

That was it.

Yeah.

We're not going to have another one.

We've been watching a lot of Tucker in the hotel.

They're going to do like a Princess Amidala thing with Hillary Clinton.

She's She's going to come down on like a floating plastic.

Yeah, but the body double will be a beautiful woman.

It'll be so obvious.

It'll be just like a fire-ass bitch.

This is my slave.

Her dude.

Hello.

He's from Jurassic World that pretends to be fucking Hillary.

And she just gets her head blown off.

Ron Howard's a daughter.

Yeah.

She's hot.

What's old Hillary up to these days?

I love this.

I love this.

Did you see this?

These fucking EPA scientists died in a plane crash, but they took off from the bill in Hillary Clinton airport.

It's got to be, there's just got to be bad luck.

It's got to be bad luck.

Well, I mean, it doesn't make any sense.

They're cursed.

There's no way that fucking Bill Hill.

At first, they probably had no say in naming the airport.

Yeah.

You know, they're just from Arkansas.

But there's not going to be like, I've got an idea.

We're going to fucking make an airport.

So in 30 years, when there's a train derailment in Ohio that

we make happen to kill people who voted for Donald Trump who's going to run for president we can kill the scientists who go to investigate it at our airport and no one will connect it back to us

but then we got to put our name it's like what I don't understand what the theory is but the fact that you know people lose their minds you know I love I love that no they're like it's what airport It's the what?

There's something about him that is just so he's like truly everything in the world revolves around him a little bit, I think.

Bill Clinton?

Yeah.

Well, yeah, he he was the president.

Your mom loves him.

I told him this the other day.

My mom did a...

She has like a just a in her car, just a picture of Ali Wong and Bill Clinton hanging from the rear view.

She did a

like a graduate degree, and

her commencement speaker was Bill Clinton.

And my mom was always like super, like growing up, she thought that like Obama used swine flu to put like Christians in FEMA camps, like that kind of like conspiracy right-wing.

And then she did the commencement and Bill Clinton like says her name.

She walks out, they shake hands.

And she came home and I was like, what was it like meeting Bill Clinton?

And she was like, I completely understand what you're saying.

She loves him.

You look him in the eyes and your life is like before and after.

There's a comic.

Do you know who Nick Whitmer is?

Did you go to Racine's

wedding?

No, I was visiting my mom.

Oh, yeah.

Well,

he catered.

Oh.

He catered Racine's way.

He's a comic.

This guy, Nick Whitmer.

But his story is crazy.

His dad was like, I guess they had like a regular life.

And then Clinton got elected, and his dad was like, this guy's the Antichrist.

And he like moved, his dad moved them out to like the middle of fucking like southwestern Virginia and then raised them on like a compound.

He had to like fucking eat squirrel and like build like tiger forts and shit.

He did a Ruby Ridge?

He was telling me about this.

Yeah, he's like, it's crazy.

And then nothing happened.

And then they just like went back to regular life.

And then Obama got elected and his dad was like,

okay, so I

know but this time

I tried to fucking

kill

the come on

yeah he told me that I was fucking dying the engines that's hilarious

yeah yeah

Obama had um he definitely had my family in a bit of a crisis for a little bit there man yeah yeah he was uh Definitely gonna destroy the world.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was pretty bad.

He was you, my, we used to do and your family, your whole family family was black, too.

Yep.

It's an oddest thing.

We used to do, like,

my pastor used to actively pray against Obama in church, but like, you're not allowed to say like actual people.

Yeah.

So he's like, so have you come to the point?

Oh, is that God's rule?

That's his prayer.

He doesn't want to jinx it.

It's impolite.

Yeah.

And you, yeah, so he's jinxing.

So he would do prayers, like lead the entire congregation in prayer, be like, certain people who are high up, who are trying to destroy the world who may or may not be the antichrist who are black

to be gay prostitutes let's pray that some uh uh one of god's soldiers strikes them down like you would pray for obama to get assassinated in front of 300 people

it's pretty sick dude yeah that's awesome yeah but like you know and you ask him off stage you'd be like fucking kill him you know i've been i've been getting

i've been getting back into not really back into but the fucking uh what's funny to me is that uh do you remember larry sinclair No.

Do you remember the Obama-era like fucking like conspiracies?

Acorn?

Acorn.

You don't remember that?

Acorn, yeah.

That guy at Chicago.

Yeah, he had that was his first big thing.

Oh, is that abortion thing?

No, no, it was like a housing, it was like a HUD thing, wasn't it?

Yeah, yeah, he got in trouble because he worked for a place that like built house or that like

used federal money to build houses or some shit.

Oh, I don't know.

And then he got a good deal on his house from that rich guy.

I just mean, I mean the ones that were like sort of like prostitute.

Yeah, well the Larry Sinclair one was a Michelle's drug.

This guy Larry Sinclair

claimed that he used to be a gay prostitute and he sucked Obama's dick in a limousine while they were smoking crack together while Obama was a senator.

And then like like that was like the first thing that like conservative media was like, go on.

He just said like when people believe something this stupid and I remember because I, you know, I mean I was we were probably like 23 when that came out.

And I remember, like, it was funny because it was so absurd.

Yeah.

And now, in like,

now it's, yeah, it's everything.

It's like the idea that, like, even I hear that, and I'm like, well,

maybe.

I mean, he wrote a whole book about it.

You know, it's like, it doesn't.

He finished the book.

Yeah.

It doesn't make sense.

That's a lot of effort to write a book.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right?

For it to all be a lie.

There's something true in that book.

He wrote a chapter book about it.

Yeah, chapter three.

Sucking Obama's dick.

It all happened in the one hour in the limo.

Yeah.

Well, you got to go backstory.

You got to be like,

I was on a bad path to be a fly on the fucking window in that limo.

I'd do anything.

To see that kind of hobby.

It would have been so funny if, because plenty of...

Don't forget the balls.

Don't forget to lick my ass.

A lot of men.

Hey,

don't tell anybody about this.

I'm in the con.

You can't tell anybody about this,

by the way.

And then he wrote a book, The Ultimate Betrayal.

He did.

He wrote a book.

Sucking Obama's dick.

Obama's dick and smoking crack.

Hilariously cold.

Parentheses and smoking cracks.

And smoking crack.

And other stories.

I tried to find it, and it's like one of those things where I can't remember if it's like I just made it up as a joke or if it was real, but I could have sworn that there was a thing that Obama was having gay sex in, like, what's the, what's it called, like Marine Force One?

The president.

During Benghazi?

During Benghazi, he was.

He was in the the boat.

No, he was in the helicopter.

Yeah, the president's helicopter.

Yeah, Marine.

That he was having

gay sex in there,

but for money from Saudis.

Saudis were paying attention.

He needed the money.

He needed the money.

That's why he got that necklace deal.

Yeah, to have like gay, to have like he was being a gay prostitute.

Yeah.

Helicopter during Benghazi.

As a city president.

That's so sick.

During the Benghazi attack.

But I've like Googled it and I can't find that.

And I'm hoping it's not something that's not.

I think Will Menneker once said that it would be really funny if the gay prostitute thing was real and he said goodbye to America after his second term, then gets into the helicopter and immediately

says anything.

He's just judging drag race.

That's what he says his post-presidential career.

That's better than doing painting or whatever they do.

Yeah, no, Bush is a good Bush got good.

We were talking about the difference in our the 10 years is that he thinks Bush is like Hitler.

I hate him.

I kind of think Bush is pretty funny.

And like, never mind.

Never.

We all thought he was funny because of Will Farrell.

Yeah.

But

I hated Bush.

Yeah.

I fucking hated Bush.

We loved Bush him.

That's the other difference.

He cheated to be the president.

No, he didn't.

Yes, he did.

That's bullshit.

He actually did cheat.

No, he didn't.

Yes, he did.

No, dude.

You wanted Al Gore to be the president?

He invented the internet.

Yeah.

Dude, the fucking sex, sex, like the raw sexual energy of that guy.

Al Gore?

Oh, my God.

Dude, you guys should watch

Simpsons.

He would have been Miss Brown.

You knew who he was college roommates with?

Who?

Tommy Lee Jones.

Really?

So sick.

You don't want him to be the president.

Tommy Lee Jones, I'd let him be the president.

Yeah.

Al Gore, though.

Nah, man.

Yeah, I remember when I was a kid, I was like, yeah, Tommy Lee Jones is like the president.

I thought that.

I was like, if anything, he looks like.

You know, if you had a movie, you got to put a president in it.

It has to be Tommy Lee Jones.

That's right.

I remember when 24 came out, didn't they have a Chinese woman president?

They had a black light, black woman.

They had the guy from years of television where they were the guy from the All-State commercial.

Every TV show had a reveal of the chair being turned and then turning, and it was a woman in the Oboe office.

And people would go, just a guy with Down syndrome.

And fucking flash forward some ABC shit drama.

Well, I guess we're going to have to bomb Candyland.

Like,

Mr.

President, that is not a country.

Show me on on the map.

It's a board game.

Blade shoots and laps.

God damn it.

I will go to war for resources.

At 8.15 this morning, the president overdosed on Skittles.

Did people think JFK, because he had that Boston accent, did they think he was retarded?

Yeah.

Well, he had a sister who was fully LeBron.

Rosemary?

And then they gave her, but they made it that she got her get back in the end because they named a road after her in Boston.

Oh, no.

Rose F.

Kennedy Parkway.

Oh, yeah.

She was a little bit more.

I figured that the only Kennedy that's

living is the one you would think would be the most likely candidate to be murdered by the CIA.

Who's living?

RFK Jr.

Oh, yeah.

Wait, why?

He's anti-vax.

Yeah, he's just an anti-vax guy.

Oh, I don't even know anything about him.

Yeah, that is, that's fucking, you are fucking dancing on the razor's edge.

To be a Kennedy and be like, yeah, the fucking vaccines

come at me.

Come at me.

It's weird.

Yeah, he's anti-vax, and then Ronald Reagan's son is anti-God.

Oh, yeah.

Ronnie Jr.

He's adopted.

Oh, he's adopted.

Yeah, he doesn't have,

I think it's him.

One of his kids is adopted as a child.

Ronald Jr., yeah.

He did that ad on the Super Bowl against God.

Yeah, my grandma told me that he was an atheist one time.

She cried.

She, like, literally was telling me just one little fact, and it brought her to tears.

It's nice that Ricky Gervais kind of ruined atheism.

It's so whack.

I mean, it's nice because

they were already annoying before Ricky Gervais was doing anything.

No, I mean, atheists are wow.

Yeah.

Like, it's just, it's embarrassing.

Yeah.

Just say, ah.

Yeah.

They're worse than vegans.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what, what's been pissing me off so much is like, is Neil deGrasse Tyson has been making me so mad recently.

Because every interview I see with him, he's trying to measure something.

He's like, do you know how big he is?

Because he brings a ruler with him?

Yeah, well, pretty much.

He's like, whoa, you got a three-inch nose.

He's like, have you ever known that?

That your nose directly corresponds to the heat of the sun when you were born.

He gets into just the absolute wrong guys.

Dude, his me too is the funniest thing in the world.

Yeah.

What was it?

Did a woman have like a tattoo up in a window?

That's a pussy.

That was like sort of visible on

like a tattoo of Pluto here.

And he was like, ooh, and he just started tearing her clothes off.

Close off because he's a fucking like.

He's like, is that Pluto?

He shouldn't have been wearing that, dude.

Right.

He just looked at her pussy.

He's like, what the hell is a girl?

And then

she was like, yeah, he sexually assaulted me.

Yeah, he's always on,

he keeps going on Rogan and

talking about the size of the universe.

And it's just like, who gives a fuck how big anything, like, how many school buses the universe is?

Yeah.

I don't give a shit.

Yeah, it's like people complain about all this culture war stuff going on right now, but they forget how much worse it was in 2009 when like the pinnacle of culture was like liking bacon.

Yeah, George Texas.

Yeah, that shit.

That was so much worse.

I would much rather have Kyle Rittenhouse shooting up people, you know, burning down a car dealership, than have to fucking listen to somebody talk about how much they actually, actually like Batman.

Actually, I'm actually super into comedy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The Batman stuff was pretty bad.

Yeah.

You didn't like the new Batman, right?

Or no, you liked it.

We talked to somebody who didn't like it.

I was like, how?

What do you mean when you say new, you mean the ones that you're doing?

The Robert Patton stuff?

Yeah.

No, Robert Patton.

I didn't see it.

I liked it.

It was so sick.

But it's just

Nirvana.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, it's pretty incredible, though.

Yeah, yeah.

It's Nirvana, dude.

It's the Nirvana Batman.

It's ill.

Sick, dude.

What were we talking about?

The Elliot Smith.

Oh.

About how.

How hard it...

So everyone thinks that Elliott Smith's girlfriend killed him because he stabbed himself in the heart twice.

And they're like, that's impossible for a person to do that.

No, the only impossible.

Nuke.

That's the only way you can get it.

No, no, but every other type of person

takes 40 minutes.

He left a note that said that it was his girlfriend's fault or his wife's fault.

He basically left a note note that was like, fuck you, bitch.

Yeah.

And he, like, how, how bad would that ruin your life for not just your partner to kill themselves, but to stab themselves in the heart and

post-it note, your fault, right?

You know, Japanese guys kill themselves.

Oh, yeah.

So, like, the Jesus.

Oh, the Japanese guy.

Well, it's a Japanese guy.

Japanese guy goes to kill himself, right?

Yeah.

But he writes the, the, like, he writes, you are very sad.

You will experience much sadness on a little piece of paper, and then he shoves it it in his eyes.

Oh, okay.

So the coroner.

Yeah, and then he kills himself.

And then, yeah, the coroner, yeah.

Oh, here.

And then on the back, learn Chinese.

Lucky numbers.

Yeah.

Then he's a

fortune cookie.

Yeah.

Oh.

That was the joke.

Oh, man.

You didn't get it because it's a Chinese thing.

Well, you know.

But that was the twist at the end.

That was the Shyamalan twist at the end of that joke.

Because I was thinking it was a cool movie.

I would love it.

If M.

Night Shaman's next movie is like, it's like like he does like a woke movie, and it's all like black people doing like a struggle session.

And at the end, we find out they're all in blackface.

They wash it off.

It rains in the black face.

They just did a woke movie.

They did a woke movie about a black.

But there's no twist.

Yeah, the twist is there's no twist, apparently.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, well, fuck that.

Yeah.

It's also, I guess I said the same exact thing on Will Menaker, when Will Meniker was here.

I just remembered that.

They said there's no twist, and I was like, the twist, and we find out that he was an Indian.

He takes us.

Oh.

Yeah.

He is a real-life guy.

Very good.

Here's me just hitting my one boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

The holidays aren't happening.

Boom, boom, boom.

We need to get you into a kind of Andy Richter style role, I think, pretty soon.

I didn't know what this is.

No, you got to start tweeting at like underage female comics.

We need a desk for you, which I guess that fucks up the whole Dick Cabot show.

Don't fucking.

Dick Cabot or Richard.

Come on.

You have a funny.

Don't tell us what to do.

Yeah, I'm again.

I'm the star of the episode.

That's how talk show is.

Fucking Isuka.

Star.

Thank you to our star.

Oh, my God, Caleb Pitts.

Click.

Caleb Pitts from the band of 1975.

Caleb Pitts, Click.

Dude, my music career is over, man.

Fuck me.

Canceled.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know what my role will be on the show.

Dude, your role is that

you're the genius behind.

See, this is not

a host would never say this to the sidekick.

You're fucking up everything.

Yeah.

You need to say, your role is, you stay there, you sit tight, you be quiet.

And when we need to make fun of you for being, for looking like a private detective or something, we will do it.

I just, the lights are so bright.

Yeah.

No, you have brain damage.

You have brain damage.

Or autism.

Yeah.

Maybe both.

But it has nothing to do with either of those things.

It's the lights.

I'm just.

Yeah, I know.

I think that's a symptom.

I'm going to tickle your stomach.

Your arms are going to go up like a bunch of stuff.

Are you doing like a damage?

Sam Hyatt told us that the brain damage, like the test to see if you're permanently brain damaged, they do TRIST.

You rub someone's tubby and then their arms go up like a dog.

So I'm pretty close to my body.

I rub his tummy.

I'm thinking about it now.

Somebody, I'll be like, what the hell are you doing?

I'm recording.

I'm like, get the hell out.

He's retarded.

I would love it.

If I could go...

Like they got COVID testing.

If I could go out on the corner and be like, just shove something in my nose.

And they're like, yeah, you're fucking retarded.

I would wave that flag left and right.

What would the indicator be on the thing?

Yeah.

A lollipop.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

It's well, mmm.

Mm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Let's think about this.

Let's beat this one open.

I don't know.

See, that's the thing.

It's like, I'm actually horrible.

I can't do improv.

Really?

Yeah, I can just riff.

But the second somebody's like, well, what would that be like?

Oh, yeah.

I don't know.

You never did a...

I'm freezing up.

You guys never did UCB?

No, of course not.

Damn, dude.

Y'all missed the fuck out, bro.

Wow, did you do it?

You got right?

I did one, and I got college credit for it.

You got molested?

You weren't even here that long ago.

You went to L.A.

I did an LA semester.

Yeah.

I finished up my degree over there.

LA, what's that stand for?

Light automobiles.

See how hard it is?

No, that was pretty easy.

He kind of crushed it.

That was a lot of automobiles.

Yeah, a lot of automobiles.

Yeah.

You got really in.

You hung out with a lot of Filipino guys when you you were in LA.

I love, I love Filipinos.

Yeah.

I want to learn Tagalog.

They're the best people on earth.

I want to learn Tagalog like people want to learn Togalog.

Is that how you pronounce that?

It's not Tagalog.

I thought it was.

It's Tagalog.

I said Tagalog.

Like a fucking Girl Scout cookie.

That's like the cookie cookie.

Literally, yes.

I thought it was Tagalog.

Tagalog, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But that's it.

They're nasty at pool.

Yeah, they are nasty.

That Tagalog and like Chinese, I always would like to learn, but if you like I have fucking thin ass walls and I don't want to be overheard learning Chinese from Duolingo in my living room.

I did it.

You did it?

Yeah.

You do do not only Duolingo.

Oh, you can't do this.

Can you even use Duolingo?

Is your wife's like fucking get that.

You want to learn Chinese.

We're getting the fucking dragon lady in.

She thinks it's voodoo.

We're getting a real ass.

I'm going to stop listening to Chinese.

Yeah, we need to cut her off.

They're making her trab.

Yeah, pretty much.

It's pretty bad.

Well, thanks for joining us this week on the end.

Thanks a lot, guys.

You've been a great audience.

Thank you for being here.

Pleasure being here.

Thanks a lot, dude.

Thank you.

I have to piss.

Me too.

Dave, you want to hit the lights?

Check this out.

This is how the show went.

No way.

Yeah, pretty cool, huh?

Badass.