Ep. P06 – Will Menaker

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Hello.

Okay, which action, Adam, was the real one?

You want to do it again?

Hello, and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show, the podcast.

We are joined by our friend Will Menneker.

Happy to be here.

Old school, Why Dick Willie.

We're doing a check-in,

a friend check-in.

What do you think of our enterprise?

I mean, you've come so far from the humble beginnings back at the back at Amber's old apartment, back in.

Certainly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The set looks amazing.

The stew

is exquisite.

Thanks for having me on.

Yeah, definitely.

I think just to catch the audience up, what we're doing today is we are testing out our control room, which we've been building out the last month and a half Nick is that right yeah I don't think people give a fuck no no but so what we're doing is

there will be a video feed of this which will be going up on

assuming that there's not in some kind of fuck up with that's what that's why I said

that's why I asked you and I said I wouldn't mention it I would say this you didn't say I wouldn't mention it that's why I said I literally I asked you whether or not I should say this before we started I said you said whatever you want I said we're just doing a podcast.

I know we're doing a podcast right now, but

is this going to be okay?

We will attempt to be putting up the video feed of this.

All right, who gives a shit?

First thing in the news this week.

Nobody cares about the fucking control room or anything.

Well, I asked you before we started.

We should start podcast.

Whether or not...

No, no.

Forget the cameras.

The studio looks great.

The studio looks great.

No, Nicholas, I asked you before, prior to us us starting whether or not we plug

the video feed of this podcast going up on patreon.com.

Top of the news this week.

What?

Train derailment in Ohio.

Yeah.

Way worse than I thought initially.

How bad did you think it was initially?

Well, I was upset for the train, mostly.

Was it cargo or was it passenger?

It was a passenger train.

Oh, very.

Yeah.

Wait, was this the one that just happened today or is there a...

No, the the one a couple weeks ago?

Is this the chemical spill in Ohio?

Yeah, they had to burn all the people in the train, and they were filled with chemicals, I guess.

No, did you see this?

Have you seen the pictures of this fucking mushroom?

It's quite an impressive

column of smoke blowing into the atmosphere.

Well, there's pictures from like planes.

People are going around.

There's pictures of the water and they get around the surrounding area now.

It's funny, too, because it's like those people probably took those pictures from the planes on the way to

Chicago.

Like, no one was going to Ohio.

They're just flying over Ohio, and they're like, that sucks.

That's Ohio.

It's the state with the ongoing chemical fire.

Yeah, yeah.

Wait, so was it a chemical fire or a passenger train?

No, it was a

freight train.

It was a freight train.

Passengers were not killed.

It was a freight train transporting

an extremely toxic chemical called vinyl chloride that derailed, then caught on fire.

And it's a disaster.

Ongoing disaster.

To make records.

it's like a precursor for for PVC but it's uh it and it's it's like the problem is that I guess when the the it they keep it in a liquid state it's like pressurized in there but it boils at like seven degrees so if it loses pressure then it immediately starts combusting boiling and it could have created this like giant it could have blown up the entire fucking town because basically the train turns into a bomb so they decided to burn off the the chemicals coming out of the but then even burning it off it's like it there's like untold yeah, people's pets are dying and shit.

Birds are falling out of the sky, like a hundred miles away.

Yeah, um,

and then there's now there's already people jumping on it saying that it's part of like a Republican genocide.

Oh, yeah, no, it's like a great replacement thing.

Like, they're like, they're burning down the chicken coops with all the eggs that people need, and they're intentionally derailing trains to sort of scour the landscape of you know, uh, people from Ohio.

Yeah, people that voted for adoption.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, But, I mean.

So you buy that, Will?

I think that, like, yeah, like, I mean, like, we're going to see an uptick in train derailments.

I mean, there were a thousand last year.

There'll probably be 10,000 this coming year.

And just be just be assured that everyone who dies suspiciously in them probably wasn't vaccinated or didn't vote for Donald Trump or voted for Donald Trump.

And this is at the discretion of Pete Budigig.

Yes,

he is the capo de tutti capo behind all the train derailments.

He's kind of the

he's a madman.

He's a child with a nationwide train set.

And he's just like,

have you seen the Fablemans, the Spielberg movie?

Of course I have.

It's like when Little Stevens is...

This is where this is where Adam comes along.

What are you talking about?

You know, like when he recreates

the train disaster that he saw on screen in that movie, he's recreating it again.

But like instead of being some sort of like a Freudian deconstruction of wanting to have sex with your mother or being bearing witness to her being her dad being cucked by Seth Rogan.

It's to, yeah, to gas Trump voters with deadly chemicals.

What's wrong with my, is it like something inherent in me?

Like am I just a bad person that I read about Ohio and my first thought is like, oh, I really want to watch Chernobyl again.

Like that's that's the emotion that he inspires me.

Well, I mean I wanted to watch Tony Scott's Unstoppable again.

Yeah.

I mean great movie.

Yeah.

Well, I think it's because

is that a lack of empathy or have I just seen too much good stuff?

I think there's just too many good movies and TV shows out these days.

It's just like everything that will happen in reality already has its analog in a film or television show that's already existed and you've seen.

So when reality catches up to what the movie was trying to transmit then, you're like, oh, well, I have a frame of reference for this.

Literally, the Chernobyl disaster was worth it.

for the television series we got out of it four years later.

Did you know about the Ohio train disaster?

They filmed parts of the white noise adaptation in East Palestine, Ohio, and they used people from that town as extras in the train disaster.

Tough choice name or name choice for a town.

Yeah, for a town getting bombed.

Israel, they'll put a settlement anywhere.

Actually, that's really what's happening.

The Trump voters are just clearing them out for the right to make an Israeli settlement in East Palestine.

They got the West Bank.

Now they're getting the East Bank in Ohio.

They're getting every part of it.

Yeah.

Adam, do you have any thoughts about that?

You know, it was a center-left program now.

Yeah, I'm

pro-Israel and pro-Palestine.

Yeah, two-state solution.

Yeah, no.

Yes, two states.

Yeah,

that's the center-left position.

Yeah, it's crazy to catch up with you, Will, because we used to be on the same side.

We used to be

members of the alt-left together.

And now Nick and I have evolved.

Kind of,

we're adults.

Well, I mean, yeah, like it's.

We're like Rachel Ray or Martha Stewart.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the vibe now.

Are you guys going to have like a cooking element to the program?

Like Rachel Ray and Martha Stewart?

Yeah, if you guys want me to cook something on the show, like when Carson would have something, you know, like I think we should have Betterman had Scorsese have his mom.

A chemistry.

Like a food network for chemistry.

Oh.

So like the science network.

Yeah, we just like fuck around with like yeah chemicals.

You know, but we have like a big like production studio kitchen.

We try to make our own methamphetamine.

Make your own vinyl chloride.

Vinyl chloride.

Yeah.

that'd be cool it would be cool it's very late it's 10 30 right now this is a this is a taft after dark yeah well will came will came into the studio he saved our asses we wanted a guest and i don't think he wanted to come but i think your lovely catherine wanted to come and for that i say thank you catherine how are you back there I'm doing great.

She's,

we want to keep her away from the buttons.

We're not used to a woman being so close to the buttons on our show.

I mean, that's the thing about women, they love to push buttons.

They push my buttons.

You know what I'm saying?

That's true.

So it's weird without a mic.

Yeah, it is weird.

That's why I'm glad I have this beer here because I feel like it's my

safety.

I feel like I'm used to it.

I feel fine.

I feel, I know how to do that.

I need a little bit of this action.

You're so handsome.

That's the issue.

I need it to cover my face.

And what?

Just like the just like masks.

It's really

doing headphones are bigger for me than the like having headphones on, especially if you're doing impressions.

Yeah.

And you have live feedback and you can hear it.

That's

very important.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For sure.

This man is a master over here.

No, not really.

There's nothing I'm good at.

What are you talking about?

I mean, your Joe Biden impression was for that.

I thought that was for you.

I mean, that was

you were in the workshop.

Yeah, the Joe Biden and the Robert.

Staying up till 4 a.m.

Talking into your phone.

Yeah, yeah.

Was that in the cabin?

Yeah, that's it.

yeah um and then robert duvall i thought your robert duvall was very was very good too thank you

yeah so this train derailment i really can't i can't get enough of this thing it's really bad yeah it's terrible it's like the uh the bhopal disaster which is what white noise is based on now there's like it's just this is what i mean it's like movies have like reality has already happened and it's all reality that's going to happen has happened in movies and it's just a matter of like we're not making any new movies we're just going to like catch up eventually and then i don't know well you're a native New Yorker, right?

So when you saw 9-11 happen as a child, did we get a single good 9-11 movie?

Oh, they tried to quickly.

I don't know, like, you know, 1993 is, I think, what people would say, but I'm not really a big fan.

I mean, it's that's just lies.

Yeah, it is.

That's just lies.

It took

me 80 years to make a good Titanic movie.

Yeah, that's true.

What's the one from like the

40s?

The Night to Remember.

The Night to Remember.

Yeah.

It was crap.

Funny to forget forget the name.

What a dumb title.

Did somebody say that on the Titanic while it was sinking?

Well, this surely is a night to remember.

I met the.

Sorry, just going to name drop here.

I met the actress who portrays Kate Winslet's mom in Titanic this past weekend.

Francis Fisher.

Huge name drops.

Oh, yeah.

Big name drop.

Oh, not the old chick.

No, no, no, not, not, not like.

Can you say man?

That's like somebody you're in line behind a radio shack and you're like, hey, are you the bitch from Titanic?

Yeah, it was basically like that.

Yeah.

And then

you have a headshot there with for whatever reason.

It'd be nice to have like a cachet of weird character actors in a backpack.

And then just go around in the city until you run into them.

You'd make their life.

Yeah.

You know?

Well, I mean, I'm trying to like...

Like, excuse me, are you Bob Balaban?

Can you sign this?

And you just have

his 8x10 headshot?

When I was a kid, I always wondered, like, when you go to a pizza restaurant, they have like, you know, Danny IL.

ILO is telling every, every exactly, like, signed.

I'm just like, does Danny ILO go around with glossy 8x10s of him?

Or, like, do they ask his manager or agent for one after he goes in there?

Like, does he give him a card?

Like, how does that work?

Yeah, I'm not really sure.

They always do that.

They always have walls of celebrities.

But it's always race-dependent restaurants.

Like, black restaurants will be like, you know, fucking Curtis Mayfield on the wall or Judge Mathis or Judge Mathis.

Or Howard G.

that place Florida Avenue Grill in DC.

I used to sit at the table with Judge Mathis.

Made me feel safe.

That was your favorite table?

That was my table.

You asked for the judge's table.

Yeah.

And I would go and eat whatever crap they had there.

It was a crap restaurant.

Judge Mathis was the best TV show.

I was always a big fan of Judge Michelle.

That was your favorite TV judge.

Yeah, for sure.

Was he still again?

He was in prison and then he became.

You can become a judge.

Can you do that?

You can pass the bar after being convicted of a felony.

I suppose so.

Maybe he was just in jail.

Oh, okay.

He was certainly a black fellow.

I know that for sure.

So

I don't believe whatever the charges were.

Yeah.

Yeah, they never tell you what he was in jail for.

Well, they said that he was on a bad judge.

As a youth, they said he was on a bad path.

Yeah.

And then they were like, and now he's a judge.

But they didn't say, yeah.

It's kind of like your story.

Kind of, yeah.

Why don't you tell us your story?

Were you on a bad path, Adam?

Yeah,

kind of.

Was this just recently or just as a kid?

No.

Throughout my entire life, until we started Come Town Podcast.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was

doing ice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which is.

What is ice again?

It's what Dog the Bounty Hunter asked the perks.

He's always.

Are you on ice?

Yeah.

Yeah.

In like, well, I won't do the Hawaiian.

He does a Hawaiian.

We won't go there.

Right?

We'll go where?

Well, Dog Bounty Hunter does like a colloquial Hawaiian thing when he gets the perp because he's on the big ice.

It's a colloquial Hawaiian thing.

You know who I said I wanted for the show more than anybody?

Branscombe Richmond.

Who's that?

Who's that?

Bobby Sixkiller from Renegade.

Oh, from

Renegade, the Lorenzo Lama show?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, fuck.

What's his sidekick?

It was a okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A big Hawaiian guy.

Oh, okay.

But he plays like a casino.

I mean, I don't know.

He looks like he owns a casino.

Okay.

But yeah, bolo tie, leisure suits with bolo ties.

And then just a very sick mullet.

Just the mullet that everyone else was just.

You know what's funny?

It was funny about the hairstyles in the 1980s is like the men were all trying to grow a mullet and no one ever really got there all the way.

They g abandoned it.

So it was like at this period where everyone was trying to like catch up to something and the moment passed before they ever reached.

Yeah.

Well, hard target.

No, it's

more of a full volume in that.

Even better is than that is Time Cop.

Yes.

Because Time Cop is it's supposed to be 2004 and the movie's from 1994.

And I might be fucking this up.

Don't fact check me.

Don't look into this.

Where are we?

Wide?

Wide.

Catherine, can you ask Dave if we're on the wide right now?

I I can't hear him on the headset.

Oh, you can't hear him?

Dave, can you communicate with Will's partner?

We're on the wide.

We're on the wide.

We're on the wide.

Don't fact-check me on this.

I can't hear him.

Dave?

Listening to audio phones.

Dave, can you get beer for me and Will also?

Don't fact-check me.

Catherine, actually, could you?

Oh, yeah.

Thanks, love.

Okay.

Sorry I didn't love

the British vibes.

That's okay.

Don't fact-check me on this.

Let's go.

But I'm pretty sure.

Yeah, yeah.

You look great with the headset.

It's cool.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

All right.

Wow.

Okay, let's go.

Don't fact-check me on this.

Take four.

But the, okay.

Don't fact-check me on this.

But in 2004 is when the jump forward occurs.

And the movie is set in 1990.

It starts in 1994.

And in 1994, no mullet.

2004, he has the mullet.

So he thought they were like, oh, it's going to come back.

It's the dip and dawn.

Yeah, I didn't get the chance to have the cool mullets.

I I remember even when I mean when I when I first saw Time Cop when I was a kid obviously I liked it for the the

very lengthy sex scene where there's quite a bit of nudity and the John Clinben Damps.

My favorite part was that they left they would just leave the blood on the wall from the other failed Time Culture.

Yeah, yeah, like

you have $18 billion worth of sign-in from

a fucking mom.

You can't get any like

you can't get any

fabuloso and he's

like some latex gloves.

It's part of the office culture.

It's sort of like a little little joke that they have.

Yeah, reminder, Joey's birthday is on Wednesday next to like just brain chunks and fucking a piece of skull.

It's like, is this my lunch?

No, it's the last guy who tried to time travel.

But no, I remember being sort of disappointed with it because it has that very cool scene where like dudes with like MP5s rob a Confederate gold, you know, horse-drawn carriage.

And I was like, oh.

Oh, I'd love one.

Thank you.

You good?

I'm good, thanks.

This is an after dark episode.

And but like, there's really not a lot of time copying in that movie.

It takes place in 94 when the movie came out and a version of 2004 that looks almost identical to 94.

Yeah, it's just got stupid looking.

It's just got dumber looking.

It's got the Homer Simpson color.

Yeah, exactly.

Like he goes back to like stuff some guy who's like trading on stocks during the Great Depression or something, but that's it.

Like there's no like

you know, like Wild West or, you know,

medieval times.

There is that once.

He squandered the time copy.

He goes forward in time to kill George Floyd.

I thought that was kind of fucked up.

Yeah.

It was messed up.

Thank you.

If you could go use a time machine and arrest anyone,

who would you arrest?

Paul Pelosi.

Yeah.

For what?

Drunk driving.

Yeah.

Drunk driving.

Deleting the part of the body cam footage where he was having gay sex for money

for fabricating.

I mean, you like that body cam video, right?

Yeah.

It was like Reno 911.

Yeah, it was like, it was like, I don't know,

he's just dude.

Well, it's also true if they just release that immediately, none of this, like, because that's it.

That's like the problem with social media.

Like, okay, they show up at the house.

Like, anybody reads it, they show up at the house and they're both holding a hammer and they're in their underwear.

And it's like, even if you're not like a, I hate Paul Pelosi guy, you're like, all right, unless you're like, you know, one of these, like, I don't even, the people I don't even think are real, like Brooklyn Dad Defiant.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Who's that Chinese doctor lady?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pictures on the beach?

Eugene?

No, no.

Linda Yee or I don't think I know that person.

Leanda.

I have no idea.

But there's like, you know, the handful of these like

these like DNC surrogates that are just like Twitter, middle-aged Twitter people, you know, that ha, no matter what happens.

Like Biden could, it would be, Biden could fuck a child on the National Mall.

And they would be like,

what about the time Trump

fucking walked out of Dippin' Dots without paying?

Hello, folks.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, but like, you know, the fucking initial police report, it's like, all right, this,

what happened?

Wait, was Paul Pelosi also holding a hammer?

No, I mean, it's clear.

You watch the video.

The guy broke into his house.

He's like deranged.

And Paul Pelosi was probably drunk, but he's like not super drunk, like sober enough to try to calm the guy down and be like, it's, oh, hey, well, like, it's okay.

No, we're just going to call the police.

And then when they open the door, he's like,

at least, like, has his hand on the hammer and is trying to like talk the guy down.

And then he goes towards the cops and then the guy fucking whacks him.

It's terrifying.

Yeah, and the other guy isn't in his underwear at all.

He's like fully clothed.

He's clearly broke into a town called Pelosi.

But that doesn't mean that Paul Pelosi

isn't gay.

It doesn't drink and drive.

Yeah, it doesn't.

Well, we know that, but like inside trades with his wife.

No, that guy, Prince.

Oh, he does.

And he sleeps in a dress shirt, too.

That's weird to me.

That was what made me think

maybe

some wicked games.

Not.

Because the boxer is in a t-shirt that's pajamas.

But like the dress shirt.

Yeah, dress shirt and underwear.

And underwear is a little bit in color.

Because you know, you don't, if you were just lounging around the house, you take the collar, you take the dress shirt off.

But I don't know.

Like, I don't know.

Some old guys are weird.

Yeah.

You know, like my dad slept in a t-shirt and no underwear.

You know, think how traumatizing that is to wake your, you know, like, be like, I can't sleep.

Christmas mornings.

Yeah, I'm coming down the stairs.

No, but Adam Beck.

He's got a coffee cup and his cocks just in the coffee cup.

Hey, Merry Christmas.

Just the tip dipping into the coffee.

Hey, how'd you sleep?

Hardly at all.

It's Christmas.

Yeah.

Another Christmas in the Pelosi household.

But to your question, who would I, if I had a time machine, who would I arrest?

Probably Osama bin Laden.

Yeah.

Sam taking it off, Hitler.

I would have.

Well, I mean, I wouldn't arrest him.

I mean, like, that's that's too good for the future.

No, I don't understand

the hypothetical or the premise of the question here.

Are you trying to just enact justice, or are you trying to get the personal glory of being the person that arrested, you know, whoever?

Oh, that's a good point.

Like, I could go and just arrest, like, Ted Bundy or the guy who shot Reagan.

Yeah, right, exactly.

Yeah, no, I think I'd arrest,

I don't know, the damn bankers who caused the economic crash.

I would arrest the...

Oh, my God.

I would go back and arrest that.

Remember that story about

the football team giving the ball to the Down syndrome boy?

I'd arrest the Down syndrome boy

right at the one-yard line.

Just send him to jail,

and then I'd just go back to the future.

I'd arrest that kid that they let be Batman in San Francisco.

Yeah, right.

He lived, right?

And people would be like, how could you arrest that guy?

And I'd be like, so long, folks.

And I'd be like, the man you thought was a time cop is actually the Joker.

Yeah, exactly.

Time man.

Time Joker.

That'd be a great movie.

We should write Time Joker.

No, Adam?

No?

Adam said, no.

No, we should.

I'm embarrassed I did vaping on the thing.

I promised my father I wouldn't vape on the thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would arrest his dad.

Why?

For what?

His anti-vaping policies.

No,

it's right.

I would arrest.

No, here's this.

I would arrest Adam when he was like a teen to stop him from going down a bad path.

Yeah.

You know?

I'd scare you straight.

No, but then I met met Nick and he changed my life.

All right.

So like I wouldn't want to flap that butterfly wing.

No, you have to.

I mean,

without you guys, my life would be significantly impoverished as well.

So I'd go through it.

You have to go through hell.

Yeah.

To get to the Adam Friedland show.

And I've been through hell.

Especially this last week.

What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you?

I disappointed the daughter of Bill and Hillary Clinton.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

I really looked up to her.

Yeah.

The worst thing that's ever happened to me,

I didn't get pu pussy when I was like 17.

I had to wait till I was 18.

Oh man, I wish I could relate to that, but cheers, buddy.

Wait, you were getting it in early.

No, definitely not.

Just drink the entire beer once?

No way, pal.

You ever see that movie Jeff Town?

Jeff Town?

No, I don't think so.

It's a documentary about a guy with Down syndrome.

But he's evil.

He's not evil.

He's just a drunk.

He's a guy who prostitutes.

He does heroin.

So it's sort of an uplifting film, is what you're saying.

Yeah,

it's awesome.

That's an awesome.

I mean, is that an Asian?

It's honestly, to be honest with you, the premise is better than the movie itself.

Because I just told you about it.

Yeah.

That's just that.

So it's his documentary about

a mentally challenged man who does heroin and fucks prostitution.

Yeah, does fucks prostitute.

Well, yeah, it's a strong setup, but I'd like to see the payoffs.

Yeah, right, yeah.

No, it doesn't really go anywhere.

Well, you know, so like a lot of movies don't have to be about plot, you know, it can be about a vibe.

They say now.

Yeah.

They don't get him help or anything.

What do you mean, like medicine?

Yeah, for him to be smarter.

Yeah.

No.

Flowers for Algernon.

To not be like.

That would be a better jumping off point for Flowers for Algernon.

He's Jeff Town.

Oh, man.

I was thinking about rereading that book as an adult.

Because it was hilarious to me when I was a kid, but I think I have, you know, with the razor shit.

Flowers for Algernon?

Yeah.

I never read it.

I mean, it's such a funny idea for a book.

Did they make you read it in school?

Yeah,

especially, too, because it's like there's mentally disabled kids in the school.

And then if you're just a dumb kid and you read that book, it's like, well, why don't we give to him the pill?

You know what I mean?

Do you ever read any other books you read, like in like grade school?

Yeah, English class.

I remember reading The Giver.

The Giver?

Yeah.

The Giver was big.

Flowers for Algernon.

There was one.

Is it like Island of the Blue Dolphins or something like that?

Hatchet was big.

Hatchet.

I think Hatchet's a very good book.

Do you remember that?

Where the Red Fern Grows.

Yeah, Bridge to Terabithia.

I never read that one.

Yeah.

It was sad.

The girl dies.

Spoiler alert.

Sorry.

There's one I remember reading, I don't remember the title of, but it's about some guy whose car breaks down in the desert, and then he goes looking for water, and then some guy's hunting him.

But there's like a parallel story about a Native American boy that's also being hunted by like a

colonist or something.

That just sounds like a dream or something.

Well, it's a book.

What's it?

Wait, there's a parallel story about a Native American boy.

Yeah.

And then there's the most dangerous game element.

Yeah.

I don't remember the title of the book.

No, I read like

I started cheating like in seventh grade.

Have you ever actually read a book?

Yeah, yeah.

I had a teacher that was so nice.

an English teacher in like 11th grade that I felt bad about cheating.

Yeah.

So I, yeah.

So what book did you actually read?

I read Crime and Punishment last year.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's I read

yeah

I don't know other other like that level like 11th grade level like books.

I read The Stranger because that was the shortest one on the

it was about how to jack off and you know when it feels like someone else's hand.

Yeah yeah.

It was pretty sick.

Has anyone ever actually done that?

I don't know.

I think it's just one of those things that adolescent boys.

Yeah, no, it's a fake thing.

I think you're like donkey punches.

Because then you're literally jacking off to the sensation of your hand missing.

Right.

So it feels like you're getting a handy.

It feels like you're getting a hand job.

Or so I'm told.

No, it's better to do that and then jack someone else off so you don't feel that you're being gay.

Right?

So you're like, you sort of like.

So you're like, it just feels like you're rummaging in a bag for your peas or something.

Yeah, like the box from Doom.

This is.

Yeah.

This is fucking.

Yo, greatest teas.

PS.

Many have tried.

Yeah.

They tried and died.

I like the David Lynch dude.

We talked about it, I think.

I think it's great.

Yeah, it's really good.

I've never gotten through it.

Yeah.

Like many books.

I mean, it is, if you put on the subtitles, it's a book, technically.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A foreign language film, that's a book.

Sure.

Yeah.

Next top story this week.

What do you mean?

Arriving in Minneapolis for sentencing the formula former nuclear waste

assistant deputy that fucking the bald day them that stole luggage.

Oh,

yeah, yeah.

The guest who, the unfinished guest who character that got arrested.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the Mrs.

Potato Head that got fucking that got arrested for stealing luggage.

They had to show up in court in Minneapolis.

What a funny crime, stealing people's luggage.

I don't know, but it's a good idea.

That seems like a bigger part of your identity than gender.

Luggage stealer?

It's sort of like those.

That's a community that's more like just sort of like,

that would be my entire identity.

I wouldn't have any time to think about gender if I was like, I'm just going, I'm going, I'm an airport luggage stealer.

What I like about that crime, though, is that it's like a slightly more, I mean,

what you have more information to go off of but it's like those like storage locker war shows where people bid on like cracking some like abandoned storage locker because like you know there could be like a Stradivarius violin in there or it could just be like a bunch of like old diapers.

Yeah, it's like playing scratch off where the tickets are free but one of the prizes is jail.

But like you have more information to go on because if you like see that someone has really nice luggage you could be like aha you know placing a bet that like there's gonna have some pretty nice shit in that.

It'd be great if somebody is really bad at that and they just get their own luggage every time.

But that's got to be like if you have like a security clearance to be doing stuff with like nuclear energy in the U.S.

government.

And I'd say the thing too is like you wonder what this, this, because I thought it was a lady.

It's not.

They're gender fluid.

Actually the only the first and I think only ever gender fluid

like

federal like a person in a federal administrative.

But then it begs the question, it's like, is this person even gender fluid or that that's just with the luggage they got that day?

Like, I just.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I haven't heard that.

Maybe being a luggage thief informs that because then, you know, they don't know which kind of clothes they're going to get that day.

That's the exact joke I just made.

Oh, that's the exact point I was making.

Dave, can you edit that?

Dave, Nick, can I get that pen, the click-click thing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nick, what do you make of all these fucking, these weather balloons and shapes they keep shooting down?

The UFO?

The phony UFO.

It's a distraction.

Well, I mean, what else could it be?

It's not actually aliens.

Yeah, right.

I know that, but.

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, I guess it's like I didn't have the bandwidth to think about it.

Normally, I mean, I used to, I couldn't help myself.

Yeah.

But I don't, first of all, I don't understand what a spy balloon is.

It was satellites.

Yeah, I know.

It doesn't make any sense.

Well, they were like, they're saying that the Chinese could be like seeing where our

missile silos in like North Dakota or Montana that we would like, I don't know.

I mean,

that's all on Google Maps.

Yeah, it's not.

All of that shit is just on Google Maps.

I remember when

Google Maps.

It seems like they're pretty sure they know where those are.

I can't remember the name of the company that Google Maps acquired, but it was something like 3D Earth or something.

There's like all of that.

It was all of that information just became publicly available in the early 2000s.

And it was like, can we do this?

Is this allowed?

I think it was the American History Museum.

They had like an installation where you could just type in any chord and you could see it.

Like, they had just had a satellite that had mapped everything.

And it's like, to me, I guess that invalidates...

Like, maybe spy planes can get higher resolution photos, but I don't know what more information that gives.

Was there like a little fan on the side of the balloon to direct it?

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, like a very efficient means of like...

I just hope that like...

They have stealth

surveillance drones.

Yeah, but like I'm hoping that this augur is for like a sort of Blade Runner style future where like dirigibles and like blimps of stuff with like big like TV messages on it like things like that.

That's big for Nick.

Nick wants blimp technology back.

Oh yeah definitely.

It's coming back actually.

You can like book you can take a ride in a blimp.

Would you want to do that?

Yeah, but they're not they're they're not

you know they're not like the big rigid air ships.

Oh, they're not like the Hittin Berg, right?

It's like a big balloon with just like some fans on it.

There's a little gun.

Yeah, the Goodyear balloon.

The Goodyear Bloom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, we'll never return to the glory days of

encourageable travel.

Yeah, the Hindenburg.

Which is foolish because it's like it could certainly be done safe.

Yeah, sure.

Like, I mean, just don't paint it with gasoline and fill it with hydrogen, yeah.

Yeah, well, I mean, you still have to use hydrogen because helium is in limited supply.

Oh, right.

And that's still a problem.

In those days, it was an issue because the United States had most of the helium, and we wouldn't export it.

Where do they get helium from?

I keep hearing like helium's running out, but how do they farm helium?

I'm pretty sure it's like a byproduct of natural gas, like you know, when you go get like methane or whatever, like

fracking or something.

I don't know.

I would love to take it.

Something like that.

But I mean, like, wouldn't you love to take a cross-country transfer?

But you can make it on like a Hindenburg-style

aircraft.

You can make hydrogen from water.

So hydrogen is like a

basically limitless resource.

But the problem is with the Hindenburg, it's like the gas bags.

Well, the gas, no, that was fine.

The gas bags at the...

What do you mean that was fine?

It was before the Holocaust.

Up until 1942, there's nothing really negative you can say about that.

1942.

What do you mean?

They were doing the fucking Christian.

The final solution didn't start until 1942.

Oh, my God, bro.

Prior to that, it was just run-in-the-mill anti-Semitism.

No, it wasn't.

It was kind of a garden variety anti-Semitism.

We can go down to old New Orleans right now, and I can find you a handful of anti-Semites

exactly in line with

Germany Berlin 1938.

He's kidding.

He's kidding.

All right, back.

Anyways, yeah, the problem is the gas bags were made out of like, they were still made out of like pig intestines back then.

They didn't have like the synthetic materials we have now.

So I'm sure there's a safer way to make a.

I mean, even if it wasn't safe, I would gladly pay for it.

Oh, of course.

Just where you have like a sleeper cabin.

Yeah, whatever.

What do I have?

What's going across the country?

Okay, die in my apartment from like vape byproducts.

Like I just have my heart stop fucking like with the PlayStation.

Are you still streaming in fucking Bioshock?

And then somebody just finds me.

Are you still there?

Just in Netflix auto-playing?

I'm just fucking, I'm just covered in my own feces.

That or burning.

What a glorious immolation under the hydrogen gas?

A giant flaming swastika.

I couldn't imagine a more beautiful death.

What do you mean?

In terms of comparing the two, you would make the same choice.

Why do the KKK burn a cross?

That's kind of mean to Jesus, too.

Not only to minorities.

I have no idea.

I don't think they really put much thought into the KKK.

You think it was?

The KKK almost seems Japanese to me.

You know what I mean?

Like, you know, you consume Japanese culture and it's like, you know, it's like it'd be like, it's a cat that like lives in a magical toilet kingdom.

And he like, you know, it's like, I mean, like, look at Super Mario Brothers.

He's an Italian plumber that eats mushrooms, but also fights them.

And there's a princess, and his biggest enemy is a turtle covered in spikes.

It's like, this is just schizophrenic.

The KKK seems so far culturally removed from, like, is that what white culture is?

Is guys really look like ghosts?

I mean, like, most of what we think about, like, of, like, the, the look of, like, the, the, the hooded clansman,

that was, like, invented in the 20th century by people who saw the movie Birth of a Nation.

And that was like D.W.

Griffith's idealized costume.

I think

all of that is based on a fictional account of a mythic depiction that was created in the 20th century.

So once again, movies have already created all the reality that's going to exist.

But the problem is now we're running out of movies.

And

we've already run out of reality, but now we're running out of movies.

So we won't.

Events will happen and they won't have.

Hopefully at some point events will happen and they won't have a movie analog like Unstoppable or

Saving Private Ryan.

Yeah, somebody needs to invent a new genre.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Blitz.

Have you seen Black Sunday?

Honestly, you need more Japanese sort of thought.

It's just something crazy.

Yeah, it could be a cat that lives in a toilet kingdom.

And he lives off mushrooms, and he's racist.

And him and his friends get together to get all the black people out of Mississippi.

That'd be nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How about that?

That's a new That sounds nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sounds like sort of a Miyazaki kind of thing.

Yeah, racist anime cat movie.

Boom, done.

Give me the $10 million.

Give me the Millennium Prize.

I'll figure it out.

I don't want to.

What is the Millennium Prize?

It's math stuff?

I don't know.

What's that P equals N P thing?

Is that about whether or not squirt is urine or

some type of other juice?

It's not urine.

What is it, Catherine?

It's a secret third thing.

No it's not.

A number four.

No it doesn't come out of your body.

Don't talk about it.

What?

Well it's no it's it's not P.

No we it's not not P.

We talk about P it's not purely P but like it's

yeah.

What's half P?

Yeah it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like diluted P I think is what's what squirrel is.

Okay.

Running my mouth about what?

I'm talking to Will.

Oh.

Yeah, Will, you gotta be careful.

She's mad at you.

It's all good.

It's all good.

Love you, baby.

So what is squirt?

I said it was a secret.

I was thinking about the other day.

It was weird that squirt used to be like just like a nickname for children until

we found out that that comes out of a woman's poster.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, what's up, squirt?

Hey, squirt.

You're just calling a kid P to his face and he doesn't even know.

Yeah, and it was a soda.

lemon lemon.

It was a soda.

Yeah.

Mellow Yellow.

You remember that?

Yeah, Mellow Yellow?

That was a big one.

Yeah.

Until they found out that was P.

Yeah.

Yes, Mellow Yellow was completely improved.

Yeah,

it was done.

Yeah.

What are the movies you've seen lately, Will?

I saw Knock at the Cabin last week, which I thought sucked.

Knock at the Cabin.

Knock at the Cabin, the new M.

Night Shyamalan movie.

Oh, he's got another one on it.

Yeah, yeah, because

I remember I saw Old With You.

That was when I stopped.

The pandemic ended.

I was going to see a movie every single day.

In Old Guild of Four.

Yeah, I was like, oh, fuck movies.

I'm down with them.

Movie Pass is back.

Was that?

Movie Pass was a movie.

It is?

Yeah.

I just got the email today.

Are you going to be signing up again?

I mean, it's not going to be like the glory days.

Apparently someone told me that in Boston, oh, Caleb was telling me that the homeless all got movie pass.

Oh, that makes sense.

Yeah, they used to just see movies all day.

Yeah, they were just in movies all day.

They were watching Itanya and stuff.

I mean, that's a great idea.

They had to, like,

yeah, the movie theaters were like, we got to get rid of these homeless.

Well, I mean, like, that's probably why they're doing the thing now with, like, okay, you have to reserve seats, but now, like, there's like a sort of tiered prices for like how good a seat you get is at AMC.

But yeah,

I thought Knock at the Cabin was not very good.

So, what's the.

Alright, so the premise is

like, it's.

We'll guess.

I'll I'll guess.

Because I don't know yet in the movie, so I'll guess.

Alright, so the movie begins.

It's a married gay couple who has taken their adopted daughter to

take a cabin in the woods.

We find out it's Paul Pelosi or his boyfriend and the daughter of Nancy Pelosi.

Yes, exactly.

They adopted

an eight-year-old with Proguria that they've convinced everyone is an 85-year-old woman.

That's the twist of the end.

Yeah.

All right, so like, but then like, so like they're having a nice family weekend, but then like Dave Batista comes out of the woods along with three other people and they have like, you know, like

weapons of some kind.

He's like, these are my pets.

And like they do like a sort of home invasion on this family who's having like a nice vacation.

And they like detain them and tell them that one of them has, they like among themselves, they have to decide that, like, one of them has to die, and like, the other two have to kill the other one to prevent the end of the world from happening.

Oh.

Yeah.

So that's it.

And, you know, spoiler alert, like, I didn't like the movie because there is no twist.

Like, that's exactly, it's exactly.

Everything is exactly.

I was going to say, my guest was going to be: there is no twist.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're right, you're right.

Yeah,

my final trick

is that the twist is that there is no twist.

And I have been white the entire time and my name is Subway Jared I'm not even M.

Night Challenge

I've been directing from prison

I've been pretending to be an Indian man and I'm married to Nancy Pelosi

dude Subway Jared really missed the he had the big the one guy you know he's in jail reading the fucking Epstein stuff being like

like what what more do I need to do

I lost the weight I think he's reading it and just thinking, like, why wasn't invited to the islands?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Right.

I mean, he was like one of the biggest pitch men in American history.

I mean, if you look at some of the dorks that fucking Epstein brought to that.

Stephen Hawking was getting top down there.

He topped off, right?

He was?

Well, he was there.

I don't know if he got top or not.

You know, allegedly has to be.

We'll be careful here.

Yeah.

Well, that's what that weird temple was.

That was to put Stephen Hawking in room while we have sex with children.

Somebody, please plug me in after dinner.

We need to make sure I'm plugged in after dinner or I'll die.

Oh, we got a place just perfect for you, Stephen.

It's like a Tesla charging.

Yeah, yeah.

You'll be staying in the Tesla charging station at the far end of the island in the mysterious temple with painted-on doors.

That sounds perfect to me.

So I saw it, Knock on the Island was not very good, but the movie that I absolutely hated was Infinity Pool.

no

it's it's brandon cronenberg's let's go brandon it's david cronenberg's son and it's this movie with like alexander sarsgaard and mia goth and it's just like it's like

supposed to be very like extreme and like gross and nihilistic but it's just i found it to be like excruciatingly boring for the most part so i i really i really did not like that movie uh but for the most part like nick you know being like i've just been watching star trek like that's how that's how i spend my time these days okay all right i just watched star trek like that's there a new star Trek on right now?

Yeah, the new season of Picard just started.

Oh, okay.

So I didn't know I knew there was a Picard just showing me.

Yeah, it's a Picard.

I dad watched this.

Yeah, yeah, he's like it.

I think he's like, he likes this.

Yeah.

It's good.

No, it sucks.

It's like early Tom Hardy role playing the Picard.

Yeah, the clone in Star Trek Nemesis.

And apparently,

they filmed a version of that movie where he was doing a Tom Hardy voice, and then they were like, could you not do this?

Like, like Bane?

Not like a Bane voice, but like he likes doing voices, you know, like, and he was doing a much more exaggerated voice to do that character.

And then

the damn execs made him tone it down.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

He was doing like an Emo Phillips kind of Picard.

Yeah, I'm about to do it.

Look Picard to Infinity and Beyond.

Tom, stop.

Just read the script.

Just say it normal and read the fucking script, please.

No more toy story.

We're due for another toy story, huh?

What was the last one?

Four?

I was talking to actually.

Catherine and I were talking about this the other night.

Like, when Toy Story 3 came out, like, the number of articles from adult men who were talking about how much that movie made them cry was a little bit depressing.

Yeah, we had...

Well, I'm going to spoil it.

Yeah, yeah.

But,

yeah, no, well, it's just because that one scene where they go into the incinerator.

Yeah.

Right?

Is that four or three?

Was it Toy Story 3 or 4?

I don't know.

I lost track of them.

I don't know.

I remember watching 3, but it was like a Russian.

I torrented it.

This was because Toy Story 3 came out like 10 years ago now, or something like that.

So I torrented it.

And it was not only Russian, but it was mirrored

for whatever reason.

Like the whole image was swapped.

So yeah, it was like...

See, what's like a Russian game in the Russian language with U.S.

subtitles going backwards?

Oh, I don't know.

I haven't seen you in a while, Nick, but recently I watched a great movie on an airplane because

you gave me a great movie recommendation.

There was a great movie to watch an airplane, which was a Dream Horse, the Tony Collette movie with Damian Lewis and Tony Colette about these nice Welsh people.

Dream horse.

Dream horse is like it's like...

Dream horse is a perfect.

It's a narcotic movie, especially if we're watching it on an airplane.

It's just like...

you know and remember we're talking about it's like it's a true story about these like nice Welsh people who she breeds a racehorse and gets her friends to invest in it and then it like it runs in like you know the the King's Cup derby or whatever and it pays out and then they show the real people at the end of the movie, and they're like the richest people in Wales who have $5,000.

Yeah, yeah, right.

No, they talked about how they split up the money, and each one of them, you do the math on it, they got like 250 bucks for this.

But this 10-year-long saga to breed a racer.

But another movie I watched at an airplane, very similar.

Tony Colette, though, probably the greatest actress of all time.

Yeah, she's pretty goaded.

Yeah,

she's incredible.

Well, this was like a very similar movie to Dream Horse in that it's about sports and British oddballs with Mark Rylance, a Phantom of the Open.

It's another true story about this charming British eccentric who like cons his way.

He doesn't know how to play golf at all and like cons his way into the British Open.

That's good.

Yeah, well, I mean like to watch on an airplane, it's great.

I watched this movie Beast with Idris.

Oh, the lion movie?

I was up.

Watch as a lion.

I was up.

It's pretty sick.

Yeah, pretty good.

I was like flying back from South Africa and it was taking place in South Africa.

That guy Charlto Copley's.

He's always good.

South Africa's finest.

Our finest.

Yeah.

Our finest.

Our finest.

Yeah, no.

I watched...

Are we talking about movies?

Yeah, sure.

I watched that movie that was like the

it.

It was John Ford.

It was like, everyone says it's like the biggest upset in Oscar history.

Which one of you?

Like Citizen Kane or something.

How Green Was My Oh yeah, with John Wayne.

No, no.

It's about this Welsh family.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, wait, I'm thinking of the informant, yeah.

It made me fucking weep.

It's so like fucking beautiful and sad.

I love you see My Darling Clementine?

Yeah.

That's my favorite John Ford movie.

He's the goat.

You haven't seen

you haven't seen what do you call it, Fabelman's yet?

No.

No, I don't even know what it's about.

I've probably got plenty of thoughts about a movie about Steven Spielberg and Shaw.

No, I mean, I like Steven Spielberg, but I mean, I do think he's like, yeah, definitely.

You think he's top of the pyramid?

Well, no.

Not really.

I think

he plays ball.

Yeah, I don't think he's top of the pyramid at all.

I think he's a guy that had talent to make movies.

And

in the fucking late 1960s, the State Department went to him and said, you're going to be our guy.

And he's like, okay, yes, I will.

Yes, I will.

What a guy.

What a great director.

I'll make movies about how all aliens are pedophiles.

How the biggest threat facing us is giant sharks.

How

World War II was cool.

World War II was pretty cool.

Yeah, it was good.

I got to see the new Indiana Jones movie?

Fuck with that.

No, I didn't even know that.

I got a new one coming out.

I'm so checked out, dude.

I got no idea what's going on.

I mean, you're building this amazing studio here.

Yeah, the only thing I really

paid attention to is this Ohio thing.

It's really fucking bad, dude.

I know.

I just did an interview with Dave Sirota about it.

About the Ohio.

About the high disaster.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it's like shocking.

I mean, I thought a train derailed.

Right.

You know, it's like, I was just like,

it's doubly bad because the Ohio River Valley has a watershed that like covers.

It's like a huge huge swath of the country.

Yeah.

I mean we're fine here, luckily.

Yeah.

Hopefully the cloud goes over Boston.

Yeah,

that's pretty fucking sad, I guess.

I don't know.

I didn't even know it happened.

I literally don't know anything anymore.

Well, this is the thing, too.

You were talking about a gender fluid luggage thief.

And both you guys were like laughing about it.

I was like,

what the hell is...

It was someone in the Biden administration.

Yeah.

It was Sleepy's friend?

Yeah, it was Sleepy Joe.

Yeah, no, you got to see this

them.

They look like Krang.

It's very funny.

The stomach part.

The stomach part, not the large outer body.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it's a very funny face.

Very, very funny face.

Very funny person to be.

Very funny, crime,

everything.

I mean, it's such a gimme to like the Tucker Carlson stuff.

Yeah,

it's like

it's just funny.

They're stealing our luggage.

Who's getting away with it?

No, it's like when you get the free cookie at Hilton.

It's like it's that level of like just a nice little gift for them.

That a gender fluid fucking just.

Biden administrator who's in charge of nuclear energy.

Yeah.

No, I love stories like that.

I love it when they get a dub.

Because then that fades out of the news cycle, and then they have to just go back.

I can't believe they brought the green M ⁇ M back in the news.

They brought it back.

I feel like I missed that story.

Was Tucker mad because the green M ⁇ M wasn't sexy enough?

Let me stop right there.

Tucker's not mad.

Okay, yeah.

There's no one that's actually mad.

No, no one, no one.

They just don't have anything to do while they're waiting for the FBI to show up and question them about January 6th.

So they have to pick a thing.

And the thing just happened to be the fucking green M ⁇ M either being too hot or not hot enough.

But like what was like, yeah,

I was confused about what the entirely Kayfabe outrage was supposed to be.

It was like they're making the green M ⁇ M like

Chris Chan level like being mad about Sonic's arms color changing.

They put like sexy boots on the green M ⁇ M.

I thought they took them off.

They took them off because it's like, oh, she's got a damn job.

She's fucking, she's her own bitch, and she has sex when she wants to or something.

I don't know.

She's outraged over the Dobbs decision.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, the green Eminem is going to do her own abortion.

She's going to have to be.

He's taking that peanut out of her body.

Yeah, have the peanut in her body fucking killed.

Just shriveled and killed and have its head cut off with giant scissors.

Have you ever seen

dilation?

An abortion, though.

Dilation and extraction.

Well, I mean, I've only seen the illustrations illustrations of it.

And it really is.

It's like the inventor of the procedure, and it's like the inventor.

He's just shoving scissors up.

What do you mean, the inventor?

It's not fucking...

It's like, wait.

It's like, uh-oh, I'm actually, I'm the man that invented wiping your ass.

It's just,

you can't, that's, if I had to come up with, if you asked the dumbest person in the world, if there's a baby inside of a lady and we got to kill it what would you use oh i don't know maybe one of those pair of scissors they open a mall with

they're like wow you're an inventor you're like benny franklin or nicola tesla

the inventor

yeah no that that's that's funny oh but you know women need their their rights uh we support that on the adam freelancer yeah we do it's not your love show Yeah.

Uh yeah, coming up on our next episode we have a a politics round table.

I've got a preview of it.

Yeah.

You gotta stop promising stuff to the audience.

What do you mean?

That's in the can?

No it's not.

Otherwise it'd be out already.

It's in the can though.

Okay.

In Hollywood they say in the can means

It's in the ass.

They would do they used to have a gay assistant on every film.

They would they would finish a reel.

And then it would be like, Michael, get over here.

And he'd be like, Yes, sir.

And then he would put it in his can.

And then he would run it over.

Because the film had to stay hot.

It was like those pneumatic tubes that used to send letters through the music in the shadow.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

And because the film had to stay hot back then, or it would sport.

It would blow up.

Yeah, that's why everything is like sepia toned.

That's actually just feces

in the old days.

That's actually just

people staining on the silver nitrate.

Dozens of assistants exploded spontaneously with silver nitrate film stocks and stuck up their ass.

What was the name of that guy?

The best boy?

I think the best boy, I think.

That was best boy.

The key grip referred to the book.

First out the next asshole.

Yeah, he was the show run boy.

Because he would run the show.

He would run the show

back to the studio.

Back to David O.

Salznick.

Yeah, that's what

I'm out of references.

I'm out of the film where.

Yeah.

Bidets.

Those are two tops.

I just got

as a Valentine's gift.

A bidet for your girlfriend?

A bidet for her ass and magic.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I kind of insulted a bidet in her.

It's not a fucking super soaker.

In her toilet.

I used a bidet for the first time, you know, semi-resole.

Yeah.

It is like the first.

It's bracing.

I like it, though.

The first time it's like, this is maybe a little gay.

You're like, how gay is this?

I mean, it doesn't feel good.

I mean, it feels good to have, you know, shit blasted off your asshole, but I wouldn't say, I don't know.

My opposition to it is...

My opposition to it was never the gay thing.

I have no problem with that.

It's that I don't want to be informed at 34 years old that I've been cleaning my assholes wrong my entire life.

I'm not going to accept that I just wasn't potty trained.

I have a system that works.

I don't care if it's imperfect.

Do you fold or crumple?

What?

Of toilet paper.

Oh, you just like run the hand like a paper.

I do like a mussolini.

I spin it up on my hand.

Yeah.

And then I do like kind of a spaghetti fork move in my ass.

I get in there.

Get a spoon in there and sort of twirl it up.

I know how to wipe my ass.

I'm not gonna wipe my ass.

So, yeah, like, no, it's fine.

Like, or when you find out, they're like, oh, you've been shitting wrong because you've been sitting while you're shitting.

Yeah.

You know, like, apparently, like, you know, like, now they have these little schools and you're supposed to like.

Like, in Asia, they squat, and it's like, you know, your whole thing is more straightly aligned.

But

I'm not starting.

I'm like 40 years old now.

I'm not going to shit there.

And I'm sorry, that's absurd.

Let's just look at a Japanese person.

You're going to tell me they're better at shitting than the people on my 600-pound line.

The most American people.

Well, depends on what you mean by like how good you are at shitting.

You can smell them while washing the show.

These people are in a perpetual state of shitting.

I don't expect them to explain to Japanese people how to take their shoes off, you know, before going into the house.

Don't tell us how to shit.

That's the basis of cultural exchange.

And you know, I've never had problems shitting.

I've never had problems shitting because I'm like a clock, you know, like

in and out like the Navy SEAL.

I was like the biggest thing is that you never understood that expression talking about regularity in the bathroom.

They go like a clock.

It's like, well, it means that it means that you shit like, well, it means that you shit like you know, when the clock strikes.

I feel like that would be a pretty disgusting and inconvenient thing to do.

Like a cuckoo clock, but it just defecates.

It just pushes out a long, but yeah, a German cuckoo clock.

Dashy shit.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm actually spraying shit all over your face.

It's time to go to work.

And then he brushes his teeth and they see him get ready.

And then he gets to work.

And then there's just a man shitting in his face at work.

And that's his job.

There's that Burkheim, the club.

Yeah, the post-war room.

The blackout room.

Yeah.

They have a series of poo-poo, coo-coo clocks.

Coo-poo-cuck-oo.

Poo-poo-cuckoo.

Yeah.

Cock-a clock.

Cock-a-cock, poo-poo.

Kak-a for cocoa puff.

Classic family guy bit.

That one would get me so good as a kid.

Which one?

When Peter's auditioning to be the fucking

Cocoa Puff bird.

And he keeps saying, I'm Cocka for Cocoa Puffs.

It's a great show.

Yeah.

Honestly.

Honestly.

Are we still going to be able to enjoy Rick and Morty now, though?

Now that Justin will be.

That's the question.

Yeah.

And it seems like.

I always found that.

It seems like...

I mean, honestly, Seth McFarlane and the South Park guys are coming out of this looking great.

Because is there like a big

animation for adults?

Seth McFarlane's secretly been in a relationship with Paul Pelosi for the last 35 years.

It's his old lounge singer persona.

He comes over there, takes his pants off, does some Sinatra standards, and they hit each other in the head with hammers.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I can only imagine Seth McFarlane only ever exposes himself to his own drawings.

You know what I mean?

His own characters.

He strikes me me as like a Walt Disney type.

Yeah.

Sort of drawing with one hand.

Sort of a sexless guy that just wants to fuck his own creation.

He did like Lois.

Yeah, right.

She's a real sex pot.

Oh my God.

He's a dynamite from the drawing.

No, sorry.

It was a Justin Royland quote.

When he was getting canceled, somebody pulled some quote of him being like on the DVD commentary where he was like, yeah, I really want to fuck Summer's ass here.

And they quoted him, and then somebody on Twitter, they're like, Summer is 17 years old.

Drawing that he did.

Yeah.

No, I don't know.

I mean, I didn't really ever...

I watched, I think, the first couple of episodes of the first season, The Rick and Morty, when it first came out.

I was like, yeah, this is all right.

But the show I always found to be kind of nauseating.

I wasn't.

I think it's a good show.

I'm not intelligent enough for it, so I never really got into it.

No, I think it's a good show.

Yeah.

It's one of those things where it's like if you're in comedy or like,

you know, like comedy, like if you just have to like think about comedy, it gets broken down into like, you know, like Matrix code or whatever.

So I would watch Rick and Morty and I'd be like, I can appreciate it, something that's technically good, but I don't enjoy it.

Veep was like that too.

Yeah.

Like Veep didn't make you laugh.

It doesn't make me laugh.

I just watch it.

I'm like, that's funny.

That's funny.

That's funny.

So

you're registering that that's a good joke, but if you're not, like, it's not bringing a response out of you.

Yeah, right, yeah, exactly.

It's like, well, yeah, but what do you watch that does?

Something that made me laugh?

Yeah.

I mean, it's got to be really stupid.

Jeff Town?

It's got to be really stupid.

You know, Jeff Town did make me laugh.

Yeah, I didn't think it was particularly stupid.

You can get hit in the balls.

Do you find Jackass funny?

Jackass is very funny.

Yeah, okay, yeah.

Tom Pearl.

Yeah, Tom Pearl.

Tom Pearl, the more I got into that.

What is Tom Pearl?

Tom Pearl's.

Don't do it again.

No, I'm sorry.

He's some guy who has owned diarrhea.

Oh, okay.

That's not funny.

That's gross.

Why can I stream this?

When you watch the show.

Did you say him having poo-poo

on his face?

He doesn't get any of it in his mouth.

Or around his mouth.

He's very corny.

We already covered this on the show.

Sorry, sorry.

Oh, you weren't here for it.

I wasn't here.

Oh, that's right.

We did two episodes on

while Adam was...

Where were you?

I can't remember.

I don't know.

Yeah, I mean, it's hilarious.

The most shocking thing to me is that his house and bathroom is nicer than mine.

It's a cleaner.

It's cleaner.

Yeah.

His bathroom looks way better than mine.

Well, it's the kitchen.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

it's his food network show.

He's there with Mario Lopez.

And he's like, what are we doing today?

We're reading my own shit there, Mario.

Mario,

eating shit, and I'm so happy to eat my diarrhea for you, Mario.

What's his job?

Huh?

What's his life like this?

I think he's just a convicted pedophile.

I don't think he...

That's the other thing.

His job?

Yeah, yeah.

Well,

in the future, Marxist utopia,

we're going to need some guy to eat the shit that can be a pedophile.

What is it?

Gay

poo-poo-eating.

Luxury, gay German cuckoo clock communism.

Cuckoo clock.

Luxury gay space.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I think ideally, like, in the horizons of like a communist utopian future is that the shit-eating pedophile jobs would have to be shared equally among you know like you know burdens like that you know so when does anyone think that that's ever gonna happen we're never gonna have anything like why even like put that idea forward yeah why even bother well you know start Star Trek yeah, I guess, but we're not like Star Trek wasn't like this cast of Star Trek, these are all like people in the military.

It's true.

The Star Elite are cops.

Yeah, they're not like, yeah, they're not fucking...

Wait, are there people that are like, that's communist?

Star Trek, it's like, like, well, you know, it's a it's a it portrays a post-capitalist society.

I don't know if it's communist, but they're doing uh settler colonialism.

I mean, yeah, they go to the they're not really though, they don't like establish colonies.

Oh, they're like,

no, they just simply exploration.

Well, they explore, but then they like, you know, they like the they get people to join the federation.

So, like, I guess that's a form of soft imperialism.

Do people join the federation on the show?

Yeah, like, like, it's like they space nine, I guess it starts off.

Well, it's like the Bajorans are like, uh,

they're after they've been liberated, they can apply.

They can apply.

Yeah, yeah, it's exactly.

They're a protectorate, and they're newly liberated, so like, but they're not quite at the, like, they have to apply to join the Federation.

It's like a New York City private school or something.

And the bad guys are the Dominion.

The Dominion, yeah.

The Kardashians.

The Kardasians are the Deep Shifters.

Yeah, exactly.

And who's the other?

Is there another group?

Well, there's like the Klingons are a big part of DS9.

But are they part of the Dominion?

Are they part of the Federation?

The Klingons are like, they ally with the Federation against the Dominion and Cardassia raiding the Dominion Wars.

Oh, very political.

Deep Space Nine is a good show.

It's like my favorite TV show.

Have you ever seen the full name of the actor that plays the Doctor on Deep Space Nine?

Oh, like Siddig Al-Faisal or Alexander Siddig?

Alexander Siddig, but his full name is like this crazy.

He was born in the Sudan.

His dad's Sudanese.

His dad's Sudanese, but his mom is British.

Yeah, but his full name is hilarious.

I only watch Next Generation.

You don't even watch Next Generation?

I watched it with my dad.

You've seen maybe two or three episodes of Star Trek.

I watched I watched Measure of a Man this afternoon.

You're trying to be cool right now about this?

You're sorry.

Go ahead.

No, no, no.

Don't.

Don't.

No,

the data episode where it's like a trial to determine if he's properly

water or not.

Remember that one?

Yeah, yeah.

It's one of my favorites.

Are you crying?

I don't know.

My eyes are watering.

you're kind of sweating he's literally no my eyes are watering yeah

I feel like I've had like allergies

wait I read I read uh that allergies are back yeah because we didn't get snow

it is it it's 64 degrees today you know I've read an interesting

I have I had my eyes opened by a 12-year-old girl on Twitter who explained that because of capitalism we don't have any uh uh female trees in the city really because they don't want poor people to be eating fruit for free.

So that's why.

Oh, I remember that.

I remember that.

So

if there were male trees, they would fertilize

the things lining sidewalk dividers or whatever, and they would fruit.

Yeah,

we would all have access to free food.

But if they're not fruiting trees.

It's like we'd be eating acorns, essentially.

Yeah, because

what capitalism wants is...

People not having...

Yeah, we don't want the dull banana company to lose out of it.

Well, all cumulatively dollars worth of sales a year well that's why that's why biden is setting all the the chicken and egg factories on fire yeah you know eggs are yeah

that's what you eat when you're dull did you see that tweet it was like yeah i remember that i remember

it got like retweeted like like 200 000 times but that one really drove me

no you can just go on twitter and say because of capitalism and then make the most wild claim and then people will fucking like retweet it like do you know the reason we don't have chimpanzees as cops is is because the capitalists don't want us having you know

monkey cops

because then

i don't know then you could shoot a police officer and no one would get mad about it

i don't know something i didn't think about that as much before i said it i just but you know i mean like chimpanzee police officers

you know it's absurd to think i would i mean i think there should be more orchards in the city though i mean like do you know that like actually like um when they do like uh like gardens and like abandoned lots and they make a community yeah but have you ever been you know the thing is like they have to have you ever plant sunflowers for like a couple cycles to leech all of the lead out of the ground before they can grow anything that anyone can eat.

Yeah.

Because there are so many heavy metals.

Like, just there's heavy.

There's heavy metals, but there's also like parasites and shit.

Have you ever been to like just like a small working farm where they don't use lots of like pesticides or whatever?

They're like not picked raw corn.

No.

Oh, actually, I have, actually.

Yeah.

And then you get home and it's filled with fucking worms.

Yeah.

It's like that.

Fruit sucks, yeah.

Yeah, no.

It's not like fruit doesn't, like, you know, like Monsanto, for all the the bad shit that they do the reason fruits like fucking delicious is because we've like perfected just created like the fruit isn't natural

It's like we have this long but is it is it delicious though?

What?

For fruit.

Yeah, totally.

A good orange.

What's your favorite fruit?

I don't know.

I used to say kiwi.

Because I don't know.

I feel like the quality of fruit is going down just like everything else.

Like I can't remember the last time I had a really good apple.

No, no, no.

Yeah, you disagree?

No, and they're coming up with new apples all the time.

Yeah, the honey crisp is relatively new.

Okay.

Yeah.

I think the only really shitty apple is the Red Delicious.

Red Delicious is disgusting.

It's so mealy.

It's so mealy.

And that's what we had when we were kids.

You're right.

We didn't have jazz apples, Fuji apples, gala apples.

We didn't have fucking.

You had Macintosh, Red Delicious, Granny Smith, and fucking like, that was it.

It was like, I don't know.

I mean, it's hard to press now, but like, you're right.

Like, I think like.

If you want to talk about like what, what, what, what has gotten better.

What has gotten gel on?

Are you fucking kidding?

What has gotten demonstrably better like in my lifetime and American quality of life?

Bread and coffee.

The general quality of bread and coffee that you're given access to for anywhere in America has gotten markedly better.

Yeah, Wonder Bread was the pinnacle of bread.

Remember as a kid when you find out about potato bread?

You're like, holy shit.

Now they got all kinds of great.

Now the healthy bread's the best.

Is that Dave's bread?

Do you like that?

I love Dave's bread.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They have an everything bagel bread.

Okay.

I haven't tried it yet.

I really like the bread from the bakery at Wegmans.

It's the grocery store.

I go to LA.

I've got excellent baguettes and

sandwich loaves.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right, we'll get off my shopping list.

No,

we're wrapping up here.

We're almost done.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Adam, any closing thoughts on the Ohio train derailment?

I didn't know.

And that's been the Adam Friedland show for this week, folks.

Will, thanks for joining.

Thanks for wrapping me on.

This place is great.

You guys are on the bottom.

Does it look like I'm crying right now?

Yeah, you do look like you're crying.

But yeah,

that's a wrap on the show.

And then, yeah, we'll dump these cards and then see what it looks like when we

just do this swap, try to export it and get this uploaded.

We'll pull the audio, post that tonight, because that's got to go up.

Hopefully,

post the video on the poster.

Hopefully, everyone will be as mad at me as they are at Matt Healy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We didn't say anything bad.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I said Monsanto was good.

I said that the clan was Japanese.

I said

Time Cop killed George Floyd.

Time cop killed George Floyd.

That was the best part about that Matty Healy thing.

All of these things I said got attributed to Adam or fucking Matty Healy.

There's just nothing.

I like when that happened, though, because I really like Twin Peaks moment of being like, what year am I living in?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

No,

everything's fake.

All right.

All right, folks.

Thanks.

That's a wrap.

You can cut it.

Dave, you want to cut the lights?

Dave, cut the fade the lights out and then we'll do one of those cool adam sit back down what okay

do you want to listen to where like you keep talking to each other while the camera yeah i think that looks kind of cool dude on the dug and jeez

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