Ep. P03 – Just a little slop

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And we're live.

Welcome to the Adam Freedland Show.

This is the podcast.

As you can tell, I am not in my suit.

This is a more casual, after-dark version of the talk show.

I'm joined now with our guest, Jordan Jensen,

friend of the show.

So this is the way it's going to be working, folks.

Just an update on the state of the program.

But what's happening is we will be releasing these episodes henceforth on Wednesday.

They will be released video and then on an RSS feed audio.

And then starting this Monday, The talk show resumes.

This month we've been working on a lot of shit in the studio and I think we are pretty much done.

Is that right, Dave?

Is that right, Nick?

I don't know.

Dave seems to have the answer.

I don't know.

Yeah.

It has been a holding period.

I understand that people are frustrated.

We have had our own frustrations.

But

the regular talk show and podcast

this Wednesday, it will be commencing henceforth at a regular schedule.

So that is answering any questions that anyone may have.

But now, too.

I want to tell people if they're listening to this.

Yes.

And it sounds bad because we're using

labs.

Labs.

Yes.

If you want to watch the show on YouTube, it'll sound just as bad, but there's a visual element.

Yeah, you can lip read.

Yeah, well,

they can watch the show now.

Yeah.

Which people have been waiting for.

Yes.

Yeah.

And perhaps it'll make me more likable to our audience.

It's been on YouTube.

What?

I thought it's been on YouTube.

It hasn't.

What?

I don't know, I guess.

Dave, your phone is ringing.

That's your phone?

Oh, it's huh.

Oh.

Oh, it's mine, but about the lights.

All right.

Okay.

There's more light stuff to figure out.

The LED strips on these are.

We need a higher wattage.

But after that,

we are ready to go.

You want to plug your dates real quick?

Oh, smart.

I will be in Philadelphia and Helium this weekend and next weekend at the Improv in Pittsburgh.

And afterwards I will say which is a better city.

So you guys better suck up to me and then I'll definitively rule on which is the best major city in Pennsylvania.

What's your opinion, Nick?

I will be in Salt Lake City in Utah

at, I don't know, something like Wise.

Wise guys.

Wise Guys.

It's a Mormon mafia.

January 26th through the 28th.

The plane ticket was very expensive, so please come out.

Are you shocked by that?

Yeah.

Do you have dates you want to plug?

Yeah, this comes out Wednesday?

Tomorrow, yeah.

Tomorrow.

Unfortunately, I'm at Uncle Vinny's on Friday.

I don't even want to talk about that.

Uncle Vinny.

I mean, Vinny already sounds like a pedophile.

Listen, it's a mistake that I'm doing it.

It's where that girl got the beer thrown at her.

Ariel.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Was that in Jersey?

Um,

yes.

Yeah, I mean it has to be.

It's called Uncle Vince.

Yes.

It's in Jersey.

Don't throw a beer at me.

Okay.

Don't.

Don't.

And then I'm going to be at Hilarity's favorite club of all time, the uh third and fourth.

And then after that I'm going to be at Laugh Boston the ninth, tenth, and eleventh.

And uh well we're not really doing full calendar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What are you gonna do the rest of your year?

You're a fucking guest.

That's it.

We humbly plugged one or two down.

Yeah.

Cleveland.

It was once a great city.

One time, the last time I was at Hilarities, a big Come Town fan, Justin, came out and saw me.

Drove a lot of hours.

Was really scared to meet him because they were like this creepy stalker guys here.

Came out.

Tiny little boy.

Little stick of poke tattoos.

Adorable.

Could have broken him in half.

Little sweetie.

Oh, damn.

Did he have a backpack with him?

He did.

You know, he had a gun in there, right?

Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

Those guys, anytime you meet those guys, like, oh, this guy was real nice.

And then you remember he had a backpack on.

There was a briefcase guy at Funny Moms.

Yeah.

And the entire audience went like this.

Yeah.

And then he pulled out vintage pornography that he wanted, uh he actually that he wanted to give Stavros, who had not been on the show for two months.

So, yeah.

You got the one guy gave you the script when I was there, I remember that guy?

Yes, and then we read it on stage.

It was a a tr a tragedy, that script.

Not in terms of the content, but of the quality.

The quality, yeah.

Yeah, that was a sweet man, though.

Very nice guy.

Did it have a nice ending?

How did it end again?

Um, I don't remember.

I should pull up this guy.

I won't do it, but this guy has an entire book that he writes to me about you.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

He wrote a book about Nick.

And then Nick does this, and then he poops his pants, and

you and Adam have to go and save him from the, you know.

Me and Jordan have to save you?

Oh, this I gotta hear.

Yeah, the worst guy we ever wrote was this guy in Australia.

Yeah, the New Zealand guy.

I hate Australians.

I'm sick of them being a lot of people.

No, this guy lives in the New Zealand guy.

Hopefully, he's been killed by coronavirus.

One could only hope.

Yeah, he's the worst.

Yeah, he wrote some massive thing.

He's like, you have to write it?

He presented it.

I'm not writing it.

He was like being an asshole about it.

He was like, yeah, you probably saw my post on the Reddit.

It got a living up votes.

It's the Cometown fan fiction.

And I was like, no.

I didn't see it.

And then I think he told Nick afterwards that he left a child at home to be there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But he was really blowing it.

Maybe his child died.

That saved a life.

Yeah, that would be good to find that out.

Yeah.

So first on the DACA today,

Avatar 2, did you see it?

I did not see it.

I have not seen it.

I also haven't seen the whale.

The whale was not.

I heard it was dog shit.

Yeah.

He should have gotten bad, but Brendan was good.

They should have spent more money on suits.

Like he should have gotten fatter throughout because it's only like two days in this guy's life.

But I think you should see him get fatter and fatter.

Yeah, that'd be a good bit.

Over the course of two days.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

More cartoonish kind of thing.

It sucks that it was bad.

I feel like everybody was so hopeful because I think everybody found out that he stopped doing movies because he was like sexually molested.

Yeah, he was sexually molested.

He got fingered by an agent or something.

Yeah, he got fingered and he was like tried to say something about it to like his therapist or somebody.

And they were like, he'll never work in this town again.

No one.

So I think we were all hopeful that this would be his comeback after what was the

movie he made?

Dogbone?

the mummy no man the mummy dog bone remember that one bone bone dog bone ghost dog remember the one he was in called bone monkey monkey bone monkey bone what's monkey bone you guys yeah yeah yeah real weird like little nikki but we're gonna be went to hell yes yes really fucked us up i don't really remember it but it was on hbo during the day all the time yeah yeah quite odd i tried to watch

dude you tried to watch it i tried to but i was with nelly uh-huh attention span very low

What happened to the championship?

He didn't understand great art like that about being a man.

That's true.

Bad career move.

I think he turned down.

What is it?

What's the

Safari movie or the jungle movie?

Jumanji.

No, no, it's like Adventure to the fucking center of the fucking.

You mean like national?

No.

No, there's a movie.

He was in the first one.

And then he turned down the sequel, and then they got The Rock to do it and stuff.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Black Adam.

No, it's like the journey to the center of Africa or something.

Yeah.

Wakanda.

Wakanda.

Yeah, yeah.

I recently went to the center of Africa.

The heart of darkness.

Did you?

How did it go?

South Africa?

It was great.

It was great.

Really?

I learned a lot about myself.

Was it sunny?

Yeah, it was summer.

It was summer there?

No, yeah, it was good.

I saw my grandma, and my grandma was being kind of a little bit of a bee

behind my girlfriend's back.

Really?

She doesn't like Maya?

She was saying stuff where I was like, damn, you're going hard right now.

Like, what?

She was like,

she was like, tell me, is she physically active?

I was like, yeah, she's really athletic.

She thinks she's a veal girl, doesn't she?

Little Vealie.

What's a vealie?

You know, like a veal cow, how they trap them in a cage?

And they don't let them move, so their meat's all tender?

I thought veal was a different type.

I thought that was a

baby cow, and they don't let them move, so they stay all tender.

So it's...

Oh, it's like a feeder fetish kind of thing.

No.

Well, she thinks I'm I'm locking my girlfriend in the cage and feeding her.

She thinks your girlfriend's activity.

No, no, no, no.

She said, is your girlfriend physically active?

And I said, yeah, she grew up playing sports and she's very athletic.

She goes to the gym.

And then she said, well, I think she might have weight issues later on in life.

Because of her tigle bitties.

Because she has big breaths.

I totally get it.

If you have the tigo bitties.

That's very...

Well, you can't see yourself getting fatter underneath them.

Yeah, yeah.

You can't?

Well, no.

If your stomach's coming out here until it crosses the disgusting threshold.

She's very got the shock when it happens, though.

Could you imagine?

When you first see the tummy, you know, what the fuck?

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's very fit.

And so.

Well, when women have big naturals, you know that their mother has big naturals and then they're resting.

They need to build themselves a shelf of fat to rest on over the time.

I always said.

Do you remember bus drivers used to have like that?

Yes.

I had this one lady who'd drive literally with her breasts.

Yes.

She'd drive us to school.

Hook them up.

And ladies that work at McDonald's would have those too a lot of time.

I don't think I've been

into a McDonald's in 10 years.

I always said that now that we have the mRNA, that

the next move should either be we take tits away from women that only men have breasts and women get nothing.

Yeah, we don't deserve them anymore.

Or we move them to a woman's back.

Yes.

Right?

So doggy, so you can see them while you're doing doggy.

Or you can just see them all the time.

You can stare at them and the woman has no idea.

Yeah.

And

that solves 90% of this Me Too stuff right out of the gate.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, you're right.

She doesn't have anything.

There's vaginas in the back, too.

You know what another thing I noticed the other day?

I was thinking about this.

You noticed in your brain.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, no, I was thinking about it in society.

I noticed.

Feet guys are never getting Me Too'ed.

Right.

There's not been a single story about a feet guy that's like a rapist.

You know, like, no, there's not been one actress who was.

Yeah, I woke up and he was taking pictures of my feet.

It never happened at all.

And it's like, I don't think that community really gets as much credit for being filled with, you know, heroes.

Every other community.

Heroes is in the people who deal with the fact that their feet, they're waking up with their foot in somebody's mouth?

No.

Or the heroes that are.

Well, they're just not raped.

They're very respectful people.

There is that internet.

There is that website where they like, like the eons on it and stuff, where they find, like, if you've ever been barefooted.

Wiki feet, really?

Oh, yeah, okay, yeah.

There it is.

Oh, yes, yes.

Wiki feet.

I hate feet very much.

When you said Ian's on it, I thought you meant Ian is like a participant on

the moderator.

He's the one who showed it to me.

Yeah.

Because that's how you can tell if it's a girl or a guy.

Yeah.

One time, a lady that was babysitting put my feet in her mouth when I was little.

And I had a panic attack, and now I can never, now I don't like feet.

Oh, so you're mal you were I don't think that's so you're doing the first me too.

This is the first foot meeting, done but it was a woman.

So it's hot.

Well, no, I mean so it doesn't count.

But she was a big fat lady.

Yeah.

Big fat older lady.

That's not big tits?

Big tits.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Big tits.

Well, that's what happens.

Your stomach outgrows your tits.

You got to put kids' feet in your mouth.

You have to.

What else are you going to do?

Who's going to fuck you?

Yeah.

It's true.

I got to get in the children's feet.

Yeah.

It does seem to be the only thing left.

Yeah, at a certain point.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That does make sense.

You know, I found out a comedian has a, a, you know, the fart thing where people fart?

Mike Cannon.

The fart thing.

He likes to face.

He likes farts in the face.

Isn't that crazy?

Is that true, or is he just trying to start a new podcast?

No, yeah, yeah.

He's trying to

make that his thing.

No, no, that is so comedian.

That is so slip.

That's so desperate.

He let it slip.

He was like, oh, I would let her fart in my face.

This is what comedians are getting into after the DSA.

Yes.

That's not a thing you can be into.

Oh, it's a sad time.

So it has to be farting or children's feet.

If Bernie won, no one would feel like they had to do that.

Right, yeah.

You think he's making up the fart thing?

No, people are just trying to find a new thing, you know?

Yeah.

And now he has a catchphrase on stage.

He'd be like, oh, she farted.

Oshi farting.

Yeah.

He'd be like, go see Mike Oshi farting cannon this weekend

at hilarities including.

Who cut the cheese.

Yeah, that's

towards each other.

Who cut the cheese?

Oh, man.

Yeah.

I mean, farting is very funny.

Yeah, also, just if that's your fetish, you can't appreciate how funny farting is.

That's a sad life.

You just get aroused.

That's a sad life.

You get a hilarious thing happening.

Nick farted in my face today.

We both died of laughter.

Did you really?

Yeah, he was like, I just want to check if these chips are good.

He bent over at a 90-degree angle.

I was sitting looking at my phone, and I just ripped one

right in the nostrils.

Yeah, I was just checking to see if the chips were stale.

Mike Rowland likes to do a thing where he says, I really have to tell you something, but I need you to be cool about it.

Like, seriously, don't tell.

And I get so excited, and then he farts so loud.

And it doesn't matter how many times a day he does it, I fall for it every single day.

It's very funny.

I was laughing the other day, imagining a guy that brags about crop-dusting people.

He's like, Yeah, just crop-dusting this whole table.

But he thinks it means shitting yourself while you walk past him.

Yeah.

So he does.

He just shoots his pants while walking there

while walking past me.

Check it out, guys.

He's like,

I just crop dust at this whole table.

Oh, man.

Now that's rich.

That's good.

That is good.

I did a move the other day.

I was telling Dave and Nick, but my girlfriend was bitching that

her back was hurting because she has large breasts.

So I had to give her a massage.

But as a prank, I farted, because I was like,

she was laying on the bed.

So I farted

into her butt.

Oh, yeah, a lot of farting into butts.

Yeah, that was happening.

And that really got me really good.

I was dying.

Yeah, yeah.

I slept in Nellie's bed the other night and I farted into her butt.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

You guys slept ass to ass?

Well, she's a lesbian, so I'm always like, Don't touch me.

And at one point, she reached over and grazed my hair because she thought I was her girlfriend in her sleep.

And I just, just because I am so averse to it, in my sleep, stood up in rage, like half asleep, went into the kitchen, ate a spoonful of Nutella with anxiety, and then went and slept on the couch.

I do that all the time.

I wake up in the middle of the night, I'm fucking my cat.

I'm like, oh, I'm sorry,

I thought you were the cat I have sex with and not my own cat.

That's, you know, happens to the best of us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The night I met your lesbian friend, she was telling me her relationship issues.

I was like,

I was like, pull up a pic of this chick.

She is.

I was like, she sounds...

What do you mean?

She saw?

She was whack.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was like,

I was like, this girl sounds, but it's by the standards.

No, it's by the standards of their community.

So it's like a, she's, you know, she was more of the fella.

The manager of the the coffee shop

Yeah, Adam thinks that he can bond with my friend Nellie by being like look at this girl's hot ass when Nellie's like a femme lesbian

Have you noticed at coffee shops

the newest employee is always the rudest one?

What's that?

Yeah.

At coffee shops they get a new employee and they're always incredibly rude.

Yeah, they should be frantic and afraid.

Yeah, no, they're always like I know I've been making coffee for years.

He's always 55.

No, it's always the same.

It's always a coffee shop person.

No, it's like a billion bags.

I'm thinking like a bartender that gets fired from the gutter that's been making espresso in the back for years and now he has to work as a barista.

Does the gutter have old people working there?

Yeah.

Really?

All the bartenders.

Sad story.

That place fucking sucks.

Yeah.

Anytime I've been there for like two part, Will Menaker's birthday party.

The bowling place.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because it's not, it's like, what if Brooklyn on a bowling island?

Yeah.

I've had sex in the gutter bathroom.

I think that's why I think it sucks.

But I think while I was having sex, I like heard another people having sex and I was like, I need to change my life immediately.

Did the guy roll that?

Did he bowl a 300 before?

That's the only way I fuck anybody.

No, it should be, you know, like bowling alleys.

You go out to the suburbs, you go to a bowling alley.

It's so fun.

Black guys with the gloves.

What do we do with it?

There used to be this place outside of Austin that was like a $5 all-you-can-bowl.

Yeah.

Yes.

And yeah, and then they had a happy hour from 4 to 7 p.m.

You get pictures.

Yeah, we'd get pictures.

And we'd leave.

We'd spend $20 a head total.

Birthday parties going on.

It's great.

But the gutter's like, it's $200 just to walk in the door.

Yeah, when I was in Rosemont this weekend, I was telling you just now.

Yeah.

But like they have this like area, they're trying to make like an entertainment district like by the airport in Chicago.

It's basically like just Orlando, Florida.

But like, but it's just like, I miss going to a place where like it's new and like it's not like a piece of shit.

Like the gutter is like, oh, this is like grimy Brooklyn.

And it's like, no, it's like, the places we went there were like nicer than anywhere we go.

You know what I was thinking about doing?

Taking a trip on the Queen Mary 2.

What's that?

It's the only ocean liner left in the world.

Wait, to London?

Yeah, you take it from

Brooklyn to London.

What?

Yeah, yeah.

It's not like a cruise because there's no port stops.

It's just seven days at sea.

You don't get off?

No.

No, but you get to have dinner with the captain.

Yeah.

You go to the captain.

It's the Titanic.

But it's not a cruise ship.

No, it's not.

I mean, they have all that.

You can go see fucking Russell Peters or like a magic show.

And then they have like line dancing.

Have you ever been on a cruise ship?

No, never.

You get nauseous.

Really?

Yeah, because you can't see the outside.

So when you're inside, it's just...

That was a great movie, Triangle of Sadness.

You do get

like that.

But I feel like that all the time, anyways.

Yeah, but I'm telling you.

You feel like you know what I mean?

I have perpetual nausea all the time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think it's the vape.

The vape is killing us.

We must stop.

I've tried switching to zins.

It doesn't smell.

My pea smells different.

Does it?

I think so.

You smell your pea?

down and smell it while you're pissing.

You vape and then you get down and smell the piss?

But you can smell it while you're pissing.

You have to drink more water, I think.

No, it could be clear, but I smell a little bit.

Some men's peas sitting down.

Adam blays all the way down to the bottom.

Oh,

yeah.

And I do like a fountain.

It's like a, like, yeah.

Like I'm in a

wedges himself behind the bowl.

Yeah.

So he kind of hides back there.

I hate in moving.

And he's like, don't look at me.

And then he's not alone.

Yeah, don't look at me.

And he hides behind the toilet and wets himself.

Yeah, he never

learned how to use a toilet.

Yeah, I have P issues.

Yeah.

So what?

It's okay.

It's all right.

I rewatched Airplane recently.

Yeah.

It actually holds up.

I was like, this isn't going to be funny.

A lot of bits.

It's very funny.

A lot of bits.

I think that's the whole thing about Airplane is that it holds up.

I think that's it.

Even when it came out, people were like, five days later, this holds up.

You know what I mean?

It seemed like something that would have

the movie that holds up.

Wedding Crashers?

Billionaire.

It holds up.

Unbelievable.

Oh, my God.

Uncredible film.

Watch it.

Old School.

I watched it recently.

Incredible.

For real version.

Real.

So funny.

Old School is so funny.

It's so good.

What are some other views?

I realized I wipe standing up.

Is that bad?

Is that crazy?

No.

Are you pissed down?

No, but I stand up when I'm wipe.

I do that too.

I don't have the dexterity.

Some people do the hover move.

I can't.

I don't have.

I'll fall.

No, I mean, I'll sit down to pee, but then when I wipe, I am standing.

No, I stand up, I face the toilet.

And then you bow.

You Yeah, in the bowl.

Japanese style.

And then Adam wipes me from behind the ball.

Oh, you shit like cool teacher style?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's cool.

Oh.

You're like, let's wrap.

Yeah.

Let's go it on.

I take the lid off the top and I put my hands in the water.

Yeah.

I mean, a magic eye on the water.

I close my eyes and dog it.

Dog you.

I use the, I get the water and I make my own bidet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a mess.

Yeah, it's just like a vacation in the middle of the day.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's his special.

It's his spits.

Your own personal spits.

Yeah, I thought about having all my organs replaced with machines.

And it's like, you know, then you wouldn't breathe or eat or anything.

And then it's like, well, what would you do with your asshole then?

Because you can clean it out and then you could use it for whatever you wanted.

It would just be fucking, really.

Well, I wouldn't be.

putting i wouldn't be fucked i wouldn't be gay i would be a robot but you'd have no option otherwise your asshole would be useless.

Storage?

People could pay me to bring things through the airport.

Oh, that's true.

No, but they have a scanner.

We go like this, dude.

Yeah, but that doesn't get your asshole.

They're never pulling anyone aside.

It goes in your asshole.

No, it doesn't.

I told you I got my asshole checked at the Israel border with Egypt.

I think I said in the old pod.

But I went to a casino in Egypt.

I got drunk when I was 18.

And then my, like, uh, my passport looked like a, I looked like a, I had long hair like this, but I looked like a, like a lesbian like just like a brooding lesbian like 13 year old girl okay like I like oh I can't wait to get out of this very different than

yeah not anything like now

no I look like mature like more mature than oh okay okay I don't look this you don't look you don't know you don't know what I look like okay okay I'm just I'm explaining you're just explaining you're saying that's what I look when you look a little bit you just sound like you that's not what I look like okay okay

what was I saying oh yeah so at the Israel border they're like is this

you

this is is you?

And I'm like, Yeah, it's me.

And then they made me pull down my pants and bend over.

They said, Is this you?

And that's what they said immediately after, is this you?

Yeah, I was like, That's me.

I was just I had long hair when I was in when I was like ninth grade.

Wow.

Just now when I went to Mexico, a dog sniffed our bag and was like, Do you they were like, Do you have drugs in the bag?

And my buddy was like, No.

And she was like, Okay.

Well, do you have food in there?

And he was like, Yeah, I took out an empty container.

She was like, All right, you can go.

We had so many drugs.

They but then the other couple that was with us, black couple,

tore them apart.

Asshole to ripped all their stuff out of their bag.

No dog sniffed him.

Who the Mexicans did?

Yeah.

No, it wasn't a dog.

It was a large rat that they used to do.

Oh, it did.

Yeah.

That's what they did.

The rats are big.

And smart.

Where in Mexico were you?

It's Hulum.

It was so bad.

It was so bad.

Really?

Why?

What was bad about it?

What's bad about it?

Because it was half like Ithacaans like me.

Like, it was half like hippie people who were like, well, yeah, sure, we'll do some Molly, but really, we just want to sit around and play cards.

And then the other half was like influencers with fake butts who were like playing Rage Cage.

So they already got robot assholes now.

So that solves that.

That answers that question.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, that was the issue.

Was that it was a.

What kind of influencers?

I don't even know what an influencer is, but that's what they were saying.

I think they get free stuff.

Do they influence anybody?

Why is it called that?

Huh?

What kind of influence do they have?

I voted for Bernie because of Hassan.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

yeah.

Because I thought he was so hot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He influenced me.

Hassan is definitely an influencer.

He's an influencer.

Okay, yes.

Then that is who's there, but female.

Slash influencer.

Influencer.

There were streamers there.

Yeah, a lot of them can influence you to masturbate to the thought.

Yes.

There was like a Zane.

What's that girl?

Is that the move now with this show is we keep sexually harassing Hassan until he complains about it?

Until he fucks us.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you think Hassan is hot?

Do you guys really feel that way?

I mean, objectively, it's not.

In the way straight men think other guys are hot.

You know what I mean?

Not in like a track.

It's like in a mathematical way where you're like, yeah, that guy's hot.

You think Hassan with the spindly fingers that extend to the floor, you know, I don't know what his fingers look like.

We're talking about different Hassan.

Which one are you talking about?

You don't know anyone other than people at the cell.

Yeah, there's some comedian named Hassan you're talking about with freak fingers.

You think we're talking about Hassan Min Hajj?

Yeah.

No.

Oh, thank God.

Who are you talking about?

You have to say that.

It's like Hassan Min Haj.

That's who I thought you were saying.

I think that's what I'm saying.

Remember that clip of his relationship?

Remember that viral clip of him where he goes on Ellen?

He's like, people have actually been saying my name wrong.

And he's like, it's Hassan.

And then he corrects Ellen.

And it was like, wow, watch this brave.

Wow.

And you know, weeks up to that, he was like, I'm going to sit on the banana.

Oh, people were saying, like, Nikki Minaj?

Well, he was like, yeah, he's like, it's not Hassan, it's Hassan.

Oh, his first name.

Yeah, his first name.

Yeah, yeah.

Wait, yeah, it's no, it's this guy, this like a streamer guy.

I guess we talk about him every episode now.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

What's his name?

Can I look him?

Well, we're streamers now.

Yeah, we're streamers.

So you figured figured out this, this apparently, we've did a test, but we can stream directly to YouTube.

Live is scary.

Doesn't live scare you?

Yeah, I mean, even this is incredibly uncomfortable.

This is weird.

But the live, Louie's doing a live stream from MSG in a week.

That's really, that's like the main thing.

But he's going to be doing stand-up, though.

It doesn't matter.

It's not like he's just.

What if, how do you not have the intrusive thought, like, what if I just start fucking ripping people's eyeballs out?

What if I just bite my tongue off right live?

But he's doing it live at the stadium.

There's like an audience there anyway.

I know, but I'm saying if you do a live show,

say I do a live show at a club,

if I lose my mind and go crazy, that's just one weekend out the, you know, they don't book me again.

If I do a live streaming thing to the world and I lose my mind, I mean, that's just my nightmare.

Even airplanes freak me out for that reason.

I just don't think it's that brave of losing airplanes.

Wait, what do you mean even airplanes?

Like airplanes, how they're like, whatever, nobody go crazy.

I'm always like, I'm going to need to be restrained.

Would they say that?

What do you mean?

They say that on the other side?

Well, they don't say it, but you're not allowed to go crazy.

It's not like subways where you can take a shit in a subway.

It's like a crazy crazy case.

Wait, What scares you that you don't have the option to go crazy?

Yeah, you can shit on spirit.

Spirit airlines, yeah, you can shit.

I don't take spirit, I take delta.

They don't have a you know, if you go to the bathroom in spirit, it's just a hole that leads to the air outside the plane.

It goes into the pilot's mouth.

The pilots on spirit, they actually don't get paid, they get paid in feces.

Yeah, and they just eat shit from the passengers.

Yeah,

but you gotta do your dues

if you wanna work your way up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I I resisted putting the tray table up the other day and a woman beat the shit out of me.

Beat me.

Can you believe it?

I put the tray table down.

I slept it.

I slept on it.

And then she said, put your tray table up, and I didn't move.

And she started hitting me.

Well, you shouldn't have been resisting.

But it was funny because there was a Hasidic Jew sitting right next to me.

So she was elbowing him.

He was trying to pray.

I was laughing pretty hard.

Yeah.

My goal is to get beaten up by airport security and dragged off the plane so I can scream.

I'm a Chinese doctor.

How can you do this to me?

I'm a Chinese doctor.

Yeah.

While they beat me.

She doesn't know what you're referencing.

What are you referencing?

There's a Chinese doctor who got dragged off a plane.

Is it bad that I never know references?

You don't know anything.

I told you about the.

Isn't it a shame they did that and then his patients missed out on a week of being prescribed giant mushrooms and

a bag of packing peanuts, ground up rhino horn.

Yeah, just different types of fake dick pills.

I have a Chinese doctor and he gives me any drug you could ever want.

I can be like, just be, and he's like, okay, how much?

And he writes the prescription, he gets a big paintbrush out.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's just beautiful.

His hair is spinning.

Writing a prescription with a giant paintbrush.

They sell necklaces in my doctor's office, like little Chinese necklaces.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

And the other day I had to get blood taken, and three of their little Chinese nurses had to hold me down.

And I was, when you don't want your blood taken, if you're fainting, you go like this naturally.

So I was whipping them off It was like a Godzilla type thing happening It was crazy one of them had the little dog and then two seconds later the dog was gone and she was the nerve also a nurse It was crazy.

They got the blood taken so they take care of animals you went to a vet nope well that's what I'm saying who knows

necklaces there was a dog she had a facial mask on so it's also like a spa place but they gave me everything on

well she had this like facial mask on

and then two seconds later the one kind of mask like scream no like the thing that

women put on their faces at night.

Like a facial.

Like cream.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, like a face mask.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, like a.

But not a sleeping mask.

Beauty.

Yeah, I do those, you know.

I know you do them.

What do you mean by that?

They look like they're working.

Yeah, you look really beautiful.

My skin's been better recently.

Yeah, it looks really good.

You know what it is?

What?

I got a new dandruff shampoo.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Which one?

You had dandruff on your face?

I forget the brand.

No, but it's connected.

Really?

It's related, yeah.

Wow.

Because I have the central column of my face is dry, and it's related to

it's like a old, it's called, I think.

It was the Chinese vet told him this.

Yeah.

Actually, I suffer from medical dandruff, and it's just, I'd appreciate it if we die.

It goes all the way down.

I know this is a comedy show, but.

It goes all the way down your nose?

To my penis.

All the way down to your nose.

You have penis dandruff?

The way you licked your lips after you said that

with Rich?

And my penis.

Yeah, it's in my penis.

It goes down a magnet.

Penis.

Penis dangerous is a tough one.

Oh my gosh.

Has it happened?

Well, I guess, yeah.

Yeah.

Apparently.

But it's good for the police because you leave kind of like a Gold Elox trail of evidence for sex crimes.

Your flakes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Crabs?

You ever seen a crab?

I don't think that exists anymore.

I I don't think it existed ever.

Can I imagine?

You have to be like a doctor.

I think it's a diagonal sailor.

Yes.

To get crabs.

Ooh, my buddy showed me a bump on his dick the other day, and it is not good.

I lied.

Was it your Chinese doctor?

Huh?

It was.

Yes.

He was like, so I checked your shit out.

Could you check this out for me?

Yeah.

Dude, well, I was like, I needed to get a pap smear and I thought they were going to write me a script for a fucking, and all of a sudden he comes in.

He's like, take off your clothes, the little Chinese doctor.

And he was just inside of me.

Just moments later.

With what?

His full body?

Yeah.

No.

Like a magic school body?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Totally.

Do you know?

Have you seen the...

He's Jet Li and fire.

Not Jet Lee.

He's in Fucking Ocean's 12.

Who's the Chinese guy?

Oh, he's amazing.

He's the other Jet Li, the flipping guy.

Yeah, the flipped guy with the laser man.

Yeah, yeah.

That guy's amazing.

Unbelievable.

I'd let him in my vagina.

Have you seen the Mini Me Vern Troyer sex tape?

No, I'd love to see it.

He crawls into the woman's vagina.

No, he doesn't.

And then she gives birth to him.

Remember the woman who sat on that big column?

Remember the columns that stop people from running their cars into things and a woman got it all the way in there?

What?

Who's that?

No.

That was a video that.

That's the stuff you know?

Well, I'm Googling stuff.

I'm looking stuff up.

What was the last thing you checked out on my phone?

Listen, I'm having a lot of trouble with porn right now.

I think I might have a little bit of an addiction, but it's getting bad.

What do you mean, really?

Well, I just found out about audio porn.

Have you done it?

Women are ridiculous.

Yeah.

And I'm looking up really gruesome stuff.

And my buddies are, I would talk to them about it, and they go quiet.

What is it, dirty talking?

It's like

it's the Donald Duck getting a blowjob MP3.

I do like her too.

From the Napsters.

Is audio porn like just the s the squeaky noises?

No, it's like somebody being like, you're my daughter.

Boy, I love having sex with you.

Yeah, it's a silent film.

Yeah, like 1920s, yeah.

There's nothing I love more than putting my cock in your fanny.

That kind of stuff.

Yeah, huh?

I'd like to listen to like a like a British girl audio pouring where she's like Sometimes Siri's hot as hell, dude.

You get the right Siri going?

What do you mean?

Siri?

Siri.

What do you mean if she hots this one?

When she goes like this?

Mm-hmm.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, that is kind of hard.

You know about that one?

Holy shit.

When you're like, hey, Siri, and then you forget what you're going to say, and she goes, mm-hmm.

And you're like, oh,

what's up?

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Totally.

No, I just, I want to hear a British girl be like, oh, you're you're boughing me, me, Fanny.

You're buffing me.

You're boughing me, Fanny.

Did they say bough?

I don't even know.

I didn't know you had little badger hands.

Look at those guys.

What do you mean?

I don't like...

I'm very insecure about my hands.

And my breath.

Badger hands.

Can you put them up?

I am really insecure about my hands.

Oh, I don't want to.

Can we do it?

On a video?

Can we do it?

Do you see this nails with the Ferrero?

You see what's going on here?

What is that?

Flames?

Look at...

Yeah, it's flames.

Did you pay someone to do that?

Or did they go to the Chinese doctor's office?

I'm telling you, I did, Molly.

Somebody touched this on my head with fake nails, and I immediately went and got the fingers.

Wait, it was a lesbian you shared a bread with?

She did that?

Oh, it was one of the influencers.

What?

Oh, oh, oh,

oh,

yes.

Dave, how is Mexico?

Is anyone even there?

From what I see on the news, it seems like they're all here now.

No.

Mexico has got to be empty by now.

You look at the news, they're like, yeah, 8 million people came from Mexico last month.

And we're supposed to be mad at Joe Biden for that.

I don't know.

I only watch talking about that.

I love the little Mexican guys.

But

how many more people in Mexico could there possibly be that they're still coming?

They got a lot of guys.

They got a lot of Mexicans.

There's no Mexicans there.

It's just all the it's all Brooklyn.

You went to the vacation port.

Yeah.

Yeah, but there's Mexicans there.

I think a lot I think Mexico City is now a lot of just American hipsters.

Yes.

Like a lot of history.

A lot of people during COVID when they're in the city.

I love when cities have lazy names like that.

Mexico City?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, totally.

Do we have any like that?

Yeah.

Texas City.

Oklahoma City.

There is Texas City, yeah.

Yeah.

Texas has a lot of lazy names.

New York City?

Wow.

Crazy that that didn't come up first.

No,

that's the best name in the world.

Yeah.

Wait, Jordan, can you, Dave, can you cut to the?

New Amsterdam is a cooler name.

Sick, Nick.

Wait, Dave, can you cut to their coverage and can we do this off?

Dave, did you switch?

I'm on the wides.

No, go off the wides.

First of all, don't ride the wides.

I don't ride the wides.

Okay, sparingly with the wides.

New rides the wides is that lady who sat on the pylon.

Yeah, she's

to the anti-Muslim pylon.

Yeah, yeah.

I said the best riff today where DeStefano said that he had a contractor coming into his house, and his wife was all upset with him because

she was like, You don't even know what a backsplash is.

And then we kind of unveiled that the contractor was fucking his wife, and I was like, Talk about backsplash.

He's splashing all over his back.

Yeah, joke went totally overlooked.

I didn't even get a fist bump.

Ian just barreled over me.

Yeah, he doesn't understand.

IanIan.com, patreon.flash.

Ian's overdosing on cigarettes, and he's like, now he's on a different plan.

He's A tailbottom machine to suck out the smoke.

Doesn't work.

What do you mean suck out the smoke?

Inside.

His body?

No, to suck it out of this of the when you rest it down instead of an ashtray, it pulls the smoke out and filters it into the air.

Does nothing.

So now you're I was imagining like a machine that smokes the cigarettes for you're really on this bionicle body thing.

Yeah, no, I got obsessed with

General Grievous.

The guy at Star Wars episode 3, he was mostly he was once uh human.

Yeah.

But then he became mostly machine

you could be like that no I was like what you know what if you needed a the Wachowski brother well I was like where artificial hearts at what's up with that technology yeah what about Jack's arms first well I would want the organs replaced why no one cares about the organs everyone every if you have fucking big-ass jack's arms like everyone be replaced remember the old Intel inside commercials yes Where you go into the computer.

Yeah.

That's what I want in here to be.

Just check.

Like, you know, when you were a kid, you looked through a VCR.

Yeah, that's what I want my insides to be.

Yeah.

At the movies, the ride where you're like going down the film and stuff.

Yes.

Yeah.

You know what was cool?

My buddy got a cyst removed in her uterus and the picture beforehand is that her uterus is all or her ovary is all inflamed and fucked up and there's a cyst next to it just like pretending to be and everything's inflamed and then it shows it after and as and if you look zoom in on the cyst I'll show it to you later.

You can see a little face on it.

I swear to God where it looks like it's like no.

And then now that this is...

That's That's the same phone storage is filled up, you got a bunch of weird medical videos.

Dude, I went into the doctor and I was like, Give me all her medical history.

And they're like, this is not legal.

And I stole the photos and took pictures of it.

But now, if you look at the insides, it's all clean.

She sees that China.

Speaking of body modification, this episode is brought to you by Beluchoo.com.

Oh, my God.

Promo code.

They still let you do this.

Why?

Because of how much shit has been spoken about it.

Yeah, but we don't talk shit about it.

We don't neither do I do.

We fucking push, we push those chewables

out to the entire world.

Did Ridge send you a wallet for me, Ridgeback?

No, I got a television.

No, I don't anymore.

You don't?

Mike Racine got mad at me.

Yeah, what is that about?

That text?

I don't know, because people were bullying him for...

Because he says he had a joke about the Ridge wallet?

No, because he asked me for a Ridge wallet.

And then I gave it to him.

And

then he was doing a bit about it on stage where he talks about how much he hates it.

And so I mentioned that, and then he got mad at me.

He was like, why are people saying

he was like, I didn't need a ridge wild.

He got like mad.

And I probably shouldn't be saying this because now it's going to be worse.

He made me do a podcast.

No, you can say it because that's ridiculous.

Publicly, I'll say, Mike, that's ridiculous.

We love Mike Racine.

He's a very funny person.

My boy, but that's obscure.

He made me do a podcast.

Comics are in a hotel.

Comics are freaks.

Comics are freaks.

The things we get upset about are like

so like inconsequential.

They're all a bunch of borderline women, every one of them.

Where they think it's a bad thing.

Is that a type of trans?

Borderline woman?

Yeah.

Borderline woman disorder.

Disorder.

I got a BWD.

I think all comics are a little borderline because you get the late-night text that's like, hey, you're a bad friend.

Just fuck you.

You go out and everything.

And the next day it's like, hey, I'm really sorry.

I don't get texts from anybody.

What?

No, I don't get texts.

I get those all the time.

Oh, my God.

Who's sending you that?

Ian?

Is it Ian?

Brought to you by Blue Chew.com.

Blue Chew is a chewable tablet.

Did you know that over 40% of Americans hate taking fucking pills?

They have swallowing issues.

They have swallowing pillows.

I do have swallowing issues.

I have to drink a full bottle of water after I take a pill, or else I'm worried I'm going to die.

And then I'm worried that I'm going to have good things happen to me, but I won't be able to celebrate them because I'm worried I'm dead.

Honestly, I'm so good at taking pills because I'm vegan, so I have to take this huge stack every day to make sure I don't fucking give myself.

Yeah, I don't give myself steroids?

Nerve damage, no.

You're stacking?

Yeah, I just take a bunch of fucking pills, but I take like

15 horse pills.

One sip.

One sip.

In one?

All of them.

I threw up the other day because I tried to do two lysines.

What are you taking lysine for?

What?

You got cold sores?

I had a canker sore on my tongue.

Oh, okay.

I've had one my whole life.

What?

I have one right now.

They suck.

That's a nightmare or a jail.

I get them from like any type of spice.

I get them from stress.

Yeah, Yeah, yeah.

No, like if I like have cinnamon, anytime I have cinnamon, I get a canker sore.

Cinnamon's gross.

Yeah.

I used to put in I I didn't know that coffee could be good when I was younger.

I thought you just put cinnamon in the fucking filter

and it makes any coffee good coffee.

You do that?

I used to, but I used to just I used to down cinnamon constantly.

A lot of cinnamon.

Really?

Yeah.

Is it good for you?

Well, no, it would give me fucking ulcers.

No awkward visits to the doctor.

You go, you talk to one of their licensed medical professionals.

No awkward visits to the pharmacy.

They send it to you directly to your home in discrete packaging.

And guess what?

They have three different types.

They have sildenophil, tadalophil, and vardenophil.

Look how good he is.

No waiting rooms, no appointments.

I like that.

Imagine the waiting room at the fucking...

At the boner doctor?

Yeah, some guy trying to have a conversation with you.

No, this guy's like about to fight.

Your dick doesn't work either, huh?

Yeah.

It's like the version of not getting pussy, like at being at the diner at three.

Yeah, yeah.

Also, promo code T-A-S-S.

You get some kind of

deal.

Sorry.

Hold it, hold it regular.

Check this out.

You want to see something cool?

Hold it regular.

Cock it.

All the way.

There you go.

And then

put it in your mouth.

Don't use the other hand, but just, yeah, put it in your mouth.

Now try to pull the trigger.

No, I can't.

What do you mean?

I can't do it.

Try to pull the trigger.

You'd be physically.

I can't.

You just won't be able to do it.

I tased myself today, and it's really hard.

For being eating pots.

I can't do it.

Can you do it?

No, I think this,

yeah, it's just, it's not, you can't.

Yeah, well, I guess you can.

No, it wasn't in your mouth.

Are you grossed up by my drink?

No, I mean, no, it's just that the

angle, because the barrel is so long, like, you can't.

Would you let me

pull the trigger?

Yeah, I don't give a fuck.

In your mouth?

Yeah, I don't want to put that in my mouth.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

What did you use?

That's been in my ass.

I don't think I can do it on my face.

But why?

That's so ridiculous.

Or maybe I assume that.

He's putting a gun in his hand.

There you go.

By Bluetooth.com.

And you know why he's suicidal?

Because he can't maintain erection.

Yeah.

What are you worried about?

It's not real.

It's not real.

But if I do this, it'll just, it won't kill me.

It was just, it's really hard to get yourself to do it.

That's what they told Alec Baldwin.

Yeah.

It's not real.

What?

No, it doesn't scare me.

Can you put it in your mouth?

Yeah.

So Alec Baldwin's going to be, he's been indicted.

Oh my God.

Of all people.

What?

Of all people.

I believe in nothing.

Wow.

Fucking nihilist.

Jeez.

I have no opinions.

I just listen to fucking pitchfork.com.

You know it's a toy gun, right?

I do.

I don't see it.

Yeah, it's a toy.

Yeah.

Well, there's nothing to worry about.

You put it in your mouth and pull the trigger then.

I told you, I'm just, it's dirty.

I don't want to put that thing in the middle.

Well, go like this.

I got to go on the road.

I don't want to get sick again.

You're scared.

I'll put it to my head.

You did it.

You put it to my head and pulled the trigger.

I'll do it then.

There you go.

Okay.

Welcome to the show.

Welcome back, and we're back, folks.

Yeah, promo code TAFS TAFSbluetu.com.

No in-person doctor visits.

You had to do the Zoom call.

I didn't have to do that.

I did the Zoom call.

Yeah.

Right after a breakup.

And I told the nurse practitioner that I was going through a breakup.

And she was like, you don't have to tell me this.

She was like, that's the problem.

Why is it called a nurse practice?

Just call them a nurse.

I think it's better than a nurse.

No.

Yes.

Yeah.

I think they're, and basically I think

they kind of are like maybe better than a doctor in terms of they do.

Is a registered nurse the same thing as a nurse practitioner?

No, registered nurse is the one in the hospitals that have the same thing.

And then there's a physician's assistant too.

And that's nothing.

And then there's the nurse practitioner who prescribes drugs, can be a therapist.

The coolest and easiest one is phlebotomist.

What's that?

This is a person that draws blood.

What's the f one that makes feet nice?

A podiatrist.

A podiatrist.

Yeah.

That's not a real doctor.

No, not real.

Sumo wrestler of a.

Anything with bones is not, you're not a doctor.

You know who's not a doctor?

And people don't say it enough?

The fucking

optometrists are not fucking doctors.

That's what we're talking about.

They're just selling glasses.

And then I can learn that machine.

We were talking about this before.

I can learn that flippy machine so easily.

There's areas in towns where they just have like there's an eye and ear place or an eye infirmary or something.

There's always blind people around there.

Yeah.

And it's like, what are they going?

Like EBT, like they're waiting for food.

Yeah, what do you go?

You go to the doctor and they're like, yeah, you're still blind.

Wait, I've never seen that.

Wait, they just loiter outside?

They're always blinding.

They're just like in urgent care.

Like asidics around in urgent care is the same as blind people around these infirmaries.

I was in Best Buy today.

And there was a blind guy

and he needed help finding something.

And there was a chick working there.

And he did the move where she like, you know, they like link arms.

She, like, helps him.

He's like, hold on now, let me get my stick in, you pussy.

Yeah, and I was like, I was like, all right, play-on player.

He probably gets to, you know, touch women all the time if he's looking for,

I don't know, headphones or something.

If I was blind, what I would do is I'd cover my body in laser pointers, and I'd go to Times Square on New Year's Eve.

And be like, now I'm going to get revenge on the world.

Yeah, you'd be like a villain.

A superhero villain.

The blind man.

The laser pointers on you.

What's that?

Laser pointers on you.

Just covered in them.

So they hit blinds everybody.

High-powered.

Oh, I got you going outward, going outward.

I see.

That was a big thing in middle school: don't put it in people's eyes.

Oh, I remember I had one, put it in everybody's eyes.

It's a favorite thing to do.

Yeah.

Troublemaker.

It's really, we have a laser to measure distances here, and I get him in his eyes all the time.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, he does center the forehead.

He's like, you're Indian.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good.

We have a big laugh about that.

Do you think you could play off being blind if you went out into the street and pretended to be blind?

Do you think you could do the movements?

Yeah, whatever.

That's actually something we have planned for the Adam Freelands.

Yeah, we're going to wear a man on the street kind of thing.

Yeah.

We're going to grab tits.

Blind, yeah, blind guy, rape.

You're going to be the blind guy?

Yeah, well, Nick, it's going to be like, we've been talking a lot about this, but like an impractical joker.

So I'll have an earpiece in, and then Nick will be like, you know, grab that lady's tits, and I'll have to do it.

How about a show called Impractical Milkers?

And it's just women with enormous tits.

Yeah, yeah, and they just walking around the streets of Manhattan with their giant tits exposed.

And then there's

a bunch of guys in the room, and they're like, those are huge tits.

That's awesome.

This is impractical.

That's very impractical, but they're all like, that's fucking awesome.

So your grandma was saying about Maya.

Those are impractical tits.

Yeah.

My grandma was hating.

No, my grandma was like acting like a girlfriend, like an ex-girlfriend.

She was kind of being competitive a little bit.

She's like, I hope you're enjoying your honeymoon.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, she's had that.

She She wanted you to come alone to spend time with her on her last visit with you.

Don't say that.

Sorry, on your second visit.

I tell you, you know who'd love to go on a honeymoon is a bear.

Yeah.

A bear?

Yeah, like an astronaut.

Because of honey?

Yeah, they love honey.

Yeah.

Astronaut bears.

Or some bees.

Yeah, some bees.

They'd like to.

I bet you a bunch of bees would love to go on a honeymoon.

I bet you.

I bet they would.

A bunch of space bears.

Honeymoon would be a nice nickname for a Chinese lady.

Yeah.

Hey, how you doing, honeymoon?

That's great.

It would also be a nice slur for a guy trying to fuck a Chinese lady.

Yeah.

You got a Vietnam veteran.

Yeah.

It's like.

You're going to pretend to be a blind guy?

I don't think there are any white blind guys.

What's that?

They're all black.

All black.

All blind people are black.

Well, we were.

Show me a white guy who's blind.

Go ahead.

Find one.

What's that?

Let's go find a white guy who's blind.

You won't see one.

Nobody's going to believe you.

You got to get a black guy.

Reggie Conquest.

Val Kilmer, the saint.

Mm-hmm.

No, sorry.

Is it the saint?

The saint, he's a killer.

There's a movie where he's blind.

Uh-huh.

I think it's a matter of the mind.

He's the scent of a woman.

No, it might be just called blindness.

What's the Val Kilmer movie?

Dave, what's the Val Kilmer movie where he's blind?

It's called Blind.

It's called Blind.

Dave, also, can you bring me

my beer that's on the table?

My beer?

I brought you a beer.

There's another one on the table.

Why'd you give him two beers?

I don't fucking know.

Because we pay Dave in beer.

Dave, no, Dave is like, Dave's like a little bit of a.

So Blue Chew, they got sildenophil, tadalafil, and vardenophil.

So you got all three.

Vardenophil?

Vardenophil.

Yeah.

You probably had a couple of those inside of you.

You think?

Only one.

Which one?

Ciala's?

No, only one time have I had a guy with a blue chew.

Uh-huh.

You know about this.

I want to take a blue chew and see what sees see what happens.

Oh, it's nice.

It's nice for girls.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Have you seen the okay, well you got three plans, active, busy, and popular.

Oh, four plans.

Pro

and pro is.

Pro is like if you're like a James Bond type.

Yeah.

You're fucking multiple times a day.

Well, what is Pro?

Pro is Pro is they send you 34 pills a month.

And if you get the 90, 45 milligram sildenophil 34 months, $120 a month.

That's not bad.

Yeah.

It's a great deal.

That's basically cable.

It's a great deal.

That's basically, you know, you could get that or fucking Univision.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

You can get that or the Disney Plus Hulu

bundle.

Let me ask you this.

Would you rather lose your vision or watch Univision?

Yeah.

That's another segment of the show is street hypotheticals.

We're going to be doing that.

Give me another one.

But with a reference that I know, which is not.

You don't know what Univision is?

It's like Mexican television.

It's a Spanish language channel.

Oh, yeah, gotcha, gotcha.

Univision.

Gotcha, gotcha.

Like fuzzy.

But you really don't know anything.

Wait, what do you know, Jordan?

Now I've learned.

She just knows comedians with long fingers.

I don't even know.

She knows how long Hassan Minhaj's fingers are.

Yeah, right.

I don't know very much.

Do you feel like you have an expert in woodworking?

I just know practical things.

Have you ever seen 101 Dalmatians?

You know what that is?

Yes.

Okay, so you know what?

Can you do a dovetail joint?

I've seen a lot of of movies.

Yeah.

I can do a dovetail joint.

I can roll a blunt.

I can do anything that needs to be done.

But I don't have stupid, I don't know.

I just found out that you do fighters with the looting of Nirvana.

Magic tricks, like card tricks?

Yes, I can.

Really?

I was playing with a deck of cards the other night, and I was like, I don't know.

I've never in my life ever once learned a single card trick.

I can do one.

I know one.

It's bad.

Why?

I never, I was like, I'm not going to do it.

I learned it at Boy Scouts.

Oh, okay.

They teach you magic there?

I was a Cub Scout for like a couple of weeks.

I can't screw it up.

You know what Cub Scouts probably like is a honeymoon.

Uh-huh.

Well, they're bears.

Yeah.

I did it for a couple weeks until I found out about the

people used to call me Tub Scout.

No, because you were fat?

Yeah.

What would you scout?

Chocolate?

Food.

Yeah.

How fat were you?

200 pounds in sixth grade.

I found a picture the other day.

I found a picture.

A found picture.

Let's see if I have it.

Sixth grade?

Sixth grade?

Let's see if it is.

LeBron James is like 250.

Does that sound not realistic?

90% of LeBron.

Does that sound not realistic?

Here, I'll show you a couple years before I was my biggest.

And maybe I'm wrong about the weight size, but this picture is fucking hilarious.

Imagine if she's lying.

Here's a video of my...

Here's a video of my biggest school.

Was your fat enough as a kid that you have to take the short bus to school?

Because you're so fat you're retarded.

Yeah.

You want to take a disability?

I think so.

Oh, 100%.

You can be put in retard classes.

Oh, the short bus is for physical disabilities, too.

Right, yeah.

So, yeah, I'm sure.

It's got the,

you know.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, it was tough.

All right, here was me before I was at my fattest.

I love the kneeling buses because they'll kneel for fat people.

That's got a kneeling bus.

They have the buses that got like hydraulics for like the fucking, they're like a cholo bus.

Where it's like,

you know, it like goes down.

Oh, like hydraulics.

Yeah, yeah.

Like the bus will, you've seen them, kneeling buses.

And then the front of the bus will lower below the front.

For handicapped people.

Yeah, but they'll do it for fat people, and that's got to be like a fat.

If it sinks up when they step on

it, it's just going to be public buses have.

Is this 200?

No.

No, you look like Tim Dylan.

That's very funny.

God damn.

Can we show the camera?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I got bigger.

Dude, you're going to be out of focus.

You're a Leslie mom.

Wait, look at this.

Let me do a better one.

Leslie mom?

Let me do a better one.

Look at this.

Watch this.

Damn, you're...

Okay, this is my cousin.

This is my cousin.

Uh-oh.

Look who can't get on the rock.

Oh, damn.

Let me see.

You couldn't get on a rock?

That's my cousin.

Then look at me in the lower left.

Oh, you were like just rolled down.

You're like Sisyphus.

I can't get up there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was a big fat fan.

You probably have to sit back down.

I was on a lot of pillows.

Everybody can see your penis, Dandrew.

This is a low-budget fucking ad.

No, it's not.

It's actually incredible.

It's an incredible ad.

That's why we want to do that.

They're sponsors of the show.

We want to do their ads.

Like, we're bigger than this.

We want to shoot stuff.

Yeah.

Just have you banging Dulce from the back with a big blue chew dick?

No, that wouldn't be an ad.

No, but we put narrative in it, an emotion, of feeling.

No, so it opens and it's fucking like it's a like a swarthy guy on the subway and he's got like a backpack with him and it's packed and it's like real intense, right?

And then he's going through the train stations and he gets out and it's Times Square in New Year's.

He pulls fucking

kills a bunch of people, right?

And then he the detectives are interviewing him.

And they're like, so you did this because you're Muslim?

And he's like, no.

I've got the propane.

Yeah, something else is wrong with me.

And they're like, you could have just taken a blue chew.

And he's like, what?

Whoa.

Oh, yeah.

Whoa.

I didn't need to kill somebody.

Yeah, that's good.

That's good.

Like the Snickers.

Snickers ads.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

I'm not Danny DeVito anymore.

Chloe Kardashian, and she's cheersing a police officer.

That's the big girl, right?

Whichever one is.

Kanye's just shooting Jews, and they just pop a blue chew.

What?

What?

Kanye's not shooting Jews.

I didn't say it.

Apparently, oh yeah, we got party lights.

Yeah,

we got the party lights.

Shooting the bisexual light on the A24 style.

Yeah, show off the lights.

That's not it.

That was awful.

That's for monologue.

I think it's number one, Dave.

It's preset number one.

Preset one is euphoria style.

I want euphoria style.

That's not doing it.

That's not it.

That's doctor.

That looks terrible.

That looks kind of cool.

This is cool.

This is moody.

So tell us about the time you got raped.

Yeah, tell us about your raped.

Well,

I was an open micer.

About

that old tale.

And how much did you weigh?

290 pounds.

I popped a blue chew.

I don't need this.

I haven't seen any Euphoria lights yet.

Yeah, I think the preset got overridden.

Oh.

Great.

Yeah.

One month.

Yeah.

One month.

It took a month, yeah.

What are we in now?

We're in bisexual lighting.

Yeah, you're getting the fucking bisexual bisexual lighting when we just do it.

This is the regular one.

These still need to be done.

This this hair light is uh

it flickers, so that needs to be figured out.

Who put these?

We had like four different people do the like change the fucking thing.

Yeah, we keep bringing in those big balloons.

We keep bringing in different guys with scarves on.

They're like, no, it's terrible.

We do it all new.

And then they change it.

Each guy.

Every guy a different scarf.

Same guy.

And then a camera.

And then like a DP will come in and they'll be like,

this is wrong and they'll change it, and then the fucking gaffer guy will come in, and he'll change it back.

Yeah, who do you trust?

You can't trust the gaffer.

Literally, the only person in the world I trust.

Gaffer guy loses Sharpie, gets so mad about it.

That's a gaffer thing.

Oh, it's a gaff.

That's a gaff thing.

That's a gaff thing.

Yeah, he says the N-word.

That's a major gaff.

Major gaffer.

Huge gaffe.

Or he gets mad when he's shot.

That's why they call it that, because on the set,

they'd hire guys with Tourette's because they couldn't get any other jobs.

Oh, yeah, his name wasn't the first time.

Except the ladder.

Because in the silent film era, that was the only job you could do because everything else, you know, it mattered what noises were made.

Yeah, you can't hear it.

So, yeah,

if you could hear what was going on in silent films, it was just guys with Tourette's screaming the N-word.

They're like, yeah, he's...

He's doing Bill Bides.

Yeah, he's gaffing.

He's gaffing.

He's doing a Joe Biden.

He's doing a Hunter Biden.

Yeah.

If the crew was here right now, that would get a huge laugh.

You got a big crew?

What?

For the episodes?

For the real episodes.

We have two camera ops.

There are three camera ops, and then we have someone in the control room.

And then we also have

someone doing interview prep.

And then eventually, like, we'll have to.

The plan is the Wednesday episodes are going to be this kind of garbage.

It'll just be a video podcast.

This is garbage?

Well, I mean, it's grandpa.

I'm here for the garbage.

Yeah, you're here for the garbage.

It's not like it's just like...

It's not produced.

This is garbage.

Yeah, we got Christian Bale coming in.

No, it's okay.

We have two celebrity guests, one on Wednesday and one on Monday.

We're shooting the next celebrity.

On the one on Wednesday.

What's the next celebrity guest?

No, this is Simon Cowell.

Oh, this is the case.

We have Simon Cowell coming.

Simon Cowell, yeah.

And then we have,

what's his name?

Reuben Stuttered.

We have Simon Cowell.

We have Stuart Little is going to be the master.

Oh, good.

Yeah, yeah.

Good.

I heard he was working again.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We have

Ken Bone.

I can't believe how many animal jokes that you've made in one.

Huh?

You've made so many animal jokes.

That's the only kind of comedy I can do.

I kind of like it.

I'm going to be like, labels or history.

I'll say this live because I think a lot of our folks

are a guy.

No, I've always been this way.

Well.

What do you mean?

What way?

Well you're just moving away from you know Edgelord into no that was really only come to like I really wasn't an edgelord guy.

Come town was it's it was funny to do those jokes because

I hate comedy.

Yeah yeah yeah.

You know so you do the worst.

But I like this.

You're going to be one of these guys who, you know, like you my dad, he w chiseled a bear that had it was holding a gun and he was like, get it because it's arm bears instead of bears.

Take me to the honeymoon.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's going to be you.

We can't wait.

Yeah.

Well, Salt Lake City this weekend, they'll be at the Ebwise guys.

Can I feel how this feels?

Yeah.

Feels cool, huh?

Yeah.

Imagine that's just blasting my organs.

Something meaning about me.

And I'm like, what did you do?

Say something mean about me.

Why did you do that to me?

200 pounds

in sixth grade?

Being in with Jordan?

Oh, my God.

And also, I just want to add before we leave, being in, and then it's with Jordan, but it's W-I-D-T-H.

Yeah.

You get it?

Hold on, did you hear what I said?

Yeah, that would have been funny.

Oh,

because I'm not.

It's so funny you weighed that much when you were in sixth grade.

You know what?

Tell that to my boob sweat at the time.

Tell that to my boob sweat that that was funny, okay?

Me having to stuff little tissue papers under there to keep it from just running, running down my Joe Boxer shirt, huh?

Tell it to my boob sweat.

Honestly, Jordan, that makes me want to throw up.

Yeah, me too.

Okay, so I just want to reiterate, Monday, the talk show resumes on a regular schedule.

It'll be Mondays for the talk show, Wednesdays for the

Wednesdays for the Adam Friedland Show podcast, which is what this is, I guess.

And then

I never noticed his hand.

Oh, you're whispering.

You're upsetting him.

She's mocking your hands again.

My hands?

Yeah.

Honestly, I don't mind the hands.

I wasn't saying that.

I don't mind the hands.

I don't mind.

I like the level of control you've taken over.

I like the watching.

Whatever.

At least I didn't weigh that much when I was in this.

How much do you weigh now?

I was saying 199.

What's that?

145.

Oh, that's pretty good.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah.

I thought it would be closer to 200, honestly.

Oh, my God.

Sorry.

I don't know.

Oh, my God.

Anyways, thanks for joining us.

Thanks for joining us.

Okay.

And then finally, wait, what was the last time?

Oh, yeah.

Philly this weekend.

What?

Like 108 pounds, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's a classic twink.

Yeah.

I weigh about 97 pounds.

And it's mostly dick weight, too.

He's got a heavy one.

I have heavy bones.

They got a heavy ones.

Yeah.

He's got bird's bones, but he's got a heavy cock.

That's my best friend, dude.

He's got a heavy cock.

Thank you for joining us, guys.

That's a wrap.

What, you're mocking me behind my back in front of people?

I asked him if he had a heavy cock.

He's got a heavy one dude.

Does he really?

Like honestly,

we had to put it on a like, you know, when truckers have to weigh their

pounds.

No, I'm just giving you a horse.

Is it my track?

Is it your tracksuit?

It's a great track suit.

No, you don't weigh 200 pounds.

You weigh like 190.

I weigh 145.

I weigh 140.

I really hope that I'm bleeding through my tampon into this Ferrari tracksuit.

Well, it's red.

I hope that that's getting into it.

Yeah, it'd be fine.

All right, Dave, you cut it?

My period blood is black.

What's Italian for menstrual?

I hope I shit.

I don't know.

I don't speak Italian.

What would they call it?

Yeah.

Flossy, Rossi.

Yeah, yeah.

The red.

Spaghetti toss.

It would be like something dramatic.

Yeah.

It'd be like, you know, like the red

wave or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, thanks for joining us, everybody.

Thanks for joining us, guys.

Good night.

Good night.

Yeah, and then we'll go to okay.

Fade to black.

That's dramatic.

Oh my god.

All right.

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