Ep. 102 – The Adam Friedland Show E102

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Yeah, welcome to the Adam Friedland show.

Hold on, hold on.

Let me get the spotlight on.

The spot.

Oh, okay.

Are you you sure the new lights set up?

I don't know.

I thought it looked good on the last one.

No, no, no.

Everybody fucking hated it because the lights were off.

Let me just dial this in.

The lights were on.

No, they just didn't look right, but that's

perfect, dude.

All right.

You look good.

All right, let's go.

All right.

All right, everyone.

Welcome to the Adam Friedland Show.

I'm your host, Adam Friedland.

We got a guest today.

Hey, Mike Racine.

Hey.

From the Alpha Smokes podcast.

We have Irish Mike Racine

on the podcast today.

Welcome.

Thank you.

Thanks for having me.

Yeah, I don't know.

The chair broke, so I'm just going to chill.

You're going to stand there?

Yeah, we had another chair, but

I think I broke it.

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay.

So it costs $4,000.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Good for you guys.

Yeah.

We have four of them, so yeah.

Uh-huh.

Now two of them are broke.

Two, yeah.

The first one I broke when I got here.

Trying to take the glides off.

I kind of lost my patience with it.

Actually, Adam, can I just

sorry?

Let me get it.

How do I look?

How's he look, Mike?

Yeah, it's good.

Are you using a comb?

I don't have a comb.

It's good that you did that.

All right, thanks.

Okay.

Yeah, so welcome to the Adam Friedland show.

Mike Racine, returning guests.

Thanks for having me.

Yeah, thank you.

Hopefully, everybody enjoyed the Halloween episode of the show.

You got some great feedback on it.

We appreciate all of you.

Two big flaws.

So go ahead.

Yeah.

What?

Nothing.

Go ahead.

We got some great feedback on our inaugural episode, which was also the Halloween episode.

Nick, it's very hot with the light.

I'm sorry, but it's set already.

I can't do anything about it.

The problem is

people were upset because, like, you know, I mean, we spent all this time building the set.

Everybody loved the set, but we had some issues with the lights, and everybody hated the intro.

So we're going to have to

dial those two in.

But once that's good, we're ready to go.

Well, yeah, I mean, the reviews are out.

Unrotten Tomatoes, 100%.

Great.

Critic score.

Great.

Yeah.

Viewer rating, 12%.

Okay.

Yeah.

So, okay.

So the critics like to put the.

Exactly.

But we're here for the critics.

We're not here for the people.

Absolutely.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pigs don't know what they want.

Well, I wouldn't say pigs.

I'd say swine.

Right.

It's a smarter way of saying pigs.

Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, but, you know, the New Yorker's Richard Brody, he said it was a triumph, actually.

Great.

Yeah, yeah.

Great.

So, you know, he knows what he's talking about.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Nick, you're going to be there the whole time?

Yeah.

Well, you know, I don't have a chair.

So

do you want to just interview Mike?

We got to come on.

We've got to get you comfortable

interviewing people.

Yeah, whatever you guys want to talk about.

I am comfortable.

What are you talking about?

Mike, by chance, have you been in Houston, Texas lately?

No.

Oh, okay.

Well, just like a year ago for Skank Fest.

Yeah.

Oh, the Skank Fest.

And that was

a good time.

It was good.

You didn't go this year?

Yeah, I saw you there.

We had breakfast together.

That's right.

We did have breakfast.

Okay.

Yeah.

Who else was there?

Ian.

Yeah.

And then I guess Ian's video guy.

That's right.

And then I guess my video guy.

Shout out to Anthony.

Okay.

Yeah.

You have a video guy.

Yeah.

Yeah, Anthony.

Yeah.

He taped our show in Atlanta.

Oh, that guy's your video guy?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, so that was fun.

That guy's your video guy?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

So we have a little

guy with the glasses.

The guy with the glasses, yeah.

He's my video guy.

He's working for you 24 hours.

He's working for me, yeah.

Does he have a nickname for you?

He calls you Skip.

No, but that's good.

Yeah.

I like that.

You like Skip?

Boss.

Boss.

Yeah, yeah.

People around said at this show, they call me

the grand poo ba.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

And

do you find that the power is

fine, it doesn't get to your head or anything?

Well, it's an adjustment.

I think this whole thing is an adjustment.

Sure.

Sorry, I don't want to interrupt, but Adam, do you know, was it the Grand Pubah?

That's like a real rank, right?

I don't know.

It's like, and didn't the Grand Pubah

do the Holocaust?

No, I don't believe he did.

Yeah, maybe.

That was the Führer.

No, the Grand Pubah.

Isn't there like a Grand Pubah of Palestine?

No, that was the Grand Mufti of Jerusalem

who met with Hitler before the Holocaust

and said, the plans look great.

Yeah.

I disagreed.

If I was there, I would disagree.

Yeah.

I'd say,

don't, don't.

Yeah, it's funny when you think about the idea of

killing all the Jews, that's not a very good idea.

What do you mean?

It's just not like a smart thing to do.

Yeah, it takes a lot of, you know.

Well, I don't think it was ever supposed to be smart.

It was supposed to be cool and funny.

Funny, yeah.

I don't like all this Holocaust.

I don't know, like,

we keep going back to the Holocaust.

And in this climate, I don't know.

I don't know know if I want to do it anymore.

Okay, what climate?

I'm sorry.

With a Kanye.

The Kanye stuff.

Oh, I thought you meant like the weather.

Well, yeah.

We're just talking about it so it doesn't happen again.

Yeah, I mean, Jews are probably going to be affected by climate change more than anybody.

You know what I mean?

Right.

Look at him right now.

He's been under a light for five seconds, and he looks like this.

That's how we solve climate change.

There's enough complaints.

Yeah.

Climate change is the new Holocaust.

Hitler's back, and this time he's vegan.

Yeah.

He works for Exxon.

I don't know which way that joke's supposed to go.

Maybe Adam, why don't you take a pass at that?

He's like...

At what?

At climate change.

Climate change is Hitler.

Well, it's the new Holocaust.

Yes.

Because they're raising the temperature and then Jewish people are upset about it.

You know what I mean?

I don't think it's only Jewish people.

All right.

Okay.

So anyway,

you got this damn climate change thing.

They're saying it's like the new Holocaust.

Yeah.

Because they're raising the temperature.

Right.

And Jews everywhere are complaining

that

they're getting sunburns.

That's good.

Can we run that again?

Sure.

Do you feel like we're talking about that?

Do you feel like we've been talking about the Holocaust too much?

I feel like we oftentimes do that, but

I don't know.

I feel like there are going to be kids watching

the recent statements of a hero of mine, Kanye West.

And they're going to be like,

that's what's up, you know?

Right.

And I'm afraid of that.

Yeah.

Because

that's not what's up.

No.

In my opinion.

No.

Yeah, yeah.

It's not cool.

Yeah, yeah.

This might be a good question for Mike.

Is do Italian people feel guilty about the Holocaust at all?

Because they helped.

Right.

Helped Hitler.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, I think Hitler said that he felt like Mussolini was his only friend.

Really?

I read that in a book, yeah.

So that's kind of funny.

That's kind of how I feel.

That Hitler's your, that Mussolini is your only friend?

Yeah, I mean, he's sort of like a Mussolini type.

Adam's like a Mussolini type.

Well, more in the sense that I only have one friend.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm not Mussolini.

No, I think

you're more of a Hitler.

I'm neither.

What are you talking about right now?

It's my show.

Yeah, but you're kind of a Hitler.

You're kind of a

Hitler?

Yeah, a little bit.

It seems like there's a lot of rules around here, you know?

What are the rules?

I'm not the one making Hitler.

I'm not strict.

I'm strict?

Yeah.

Look at this crap crap all over the set.

And the lights.

You're like raising your voice.

I'm not at you out of exasperation.

Yeah.

Well, thanks for being here.

I was just trying to find a way to call Adam Hitler.

Yeah, that's all right.

No, look, it's going to take a long time for this show to find its legs.

It's going to be a while before

you can.

But it's fun.

You guys are having fun?

Sure.

Yeah, definitely.

For sure.

I love having fun myself, personally.

Right now, no.

You're not having fun.

No, it's sweltering right now.

How do you feel about the Halloween episode, Adam?

I thought it was good.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was all right.

What did your girlfriend think?

She hasn't watched it yet.

She doesn't listen to the show.

Yeah.

Did you watch it, Mike?

No.

I didn't get a chance to.

Yeah, I don't think anybody watches.

Yeah.

Nobody watches other people's stuff, anyways.

Not really.

Yeah.

No.

No.

Sorry.

I'll watch it when I get home.

Yeah, don't worry, Don.

You don't have to.

It's fine.

Yeah.

I'm sure it was good.

You said people didn't.

No, you said people did like it.

The critics liked it.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Overwhelmingly.

Yeah, yeah.

It was written up on babe.com.

Yeah, the place where Aziz in, sorry, was me too.

You remember that website?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

They said it was a triumph, actually, yeah.

Uh-huh.

Which is the same language as Richard Prodie, but regardless.

Now, what did Aziz do?

He put his fingers in in a woman's,

he

went down and then he asked for sex.

Yeah.

And he was like,

and then he did the claw.

Then he did something she referred to as the claw.

Yeah.

And he was like, the claw.

You know, he did that, you know, that kind of thing.

The thing we love, you know, the thing we know and love.

Yeah, yeah.

What?

Nothing.

It's just like, I don't know what kind of faces you're making.

I like I'm not making any faces.

I'm listening.

I'm paying attention.

Have you guys ever

went down on a woman and asked her for sex?

Or do you mostly do it for

me?

Yeah, I guess that.

Yeah.

You get the wheelchair out of the closet.

You pretend to be Stephen Hawking.

You eat her pussy.

You blow into her pussy and give her a fucking embolism.

And she dies.

And that's sex.

Is that true?

I remember hearing that.

If you blow into a woman's pussy.

That's one of those things where somebody tells you it, that if you blow into a woman's pussy, it'll kill her.

Yeah.

And it's like, I don't want to know if that's not true.

You know what I mean?

Like, remember when you found out Coco the gorilla sexually assaulted people?

No, but yeah.

Yeah.

I will never in my life fact-check that.

Yeah.

I will never risk finding out that that was a lie.

Right.

You know what I mean?

Right, because you want that ace up your sleeve in case you need to kill a woman.

That's my Jesus is the son of God.

Uh-huh.

I'm not going to, there's going to be no critical thinking applied

to whether or not Coco the gorilla demanded to see women's nipples.

You know,

I was told as a kid that Catherine the Great of Russia died having sex with a horse.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then

I thought that my entire life.

Yeah.

And then I told some friends at a bar one night.

Right.

And we looked it up, and it was a popular rumor spread by the French.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Which means that it was a rumor that kept going for 150 years.

Yeah.

There were like gay gossips that were like, oh, that beach?

Oh.

Oh, she fucked that horse.

She loved to fuck horses.

Or she fucked harsh.

I heard she liked to fuck horses.

And you could really spread a rumor back then.

Yeah.

There wasn't like.

My dad told me that.

Yeah.

In the car.

Do you think there's women that fuck ponies?

And then in the horse fucking community, they look down on the horse fucking women as cowards.

Yeah, as pedophiles.

Yeah, they're like, you're a race traitor.

No, no.

You're a groomer.

Yeah.

There's like, like, age is supposed to be a certain gap.

There's like if you fuck if the horse is too small, you get shamed in the horse fucking community.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What do you think about that, Adam?

Do you think people do that?

Yeah, sure.

I'm sure.

How about this?

Let's try to figure out what animals people haven't had sex with yet.

What percentage of animals do you think people have fucked?

We got to save that question for what's his name?

Yeah.

That's a good question.

Who's the animal guy that comes on shows?

Don't look at me.

Look at your hands.

Jack Hannah.

Andy.

Jack Hannah?

Jack Handy, yeah.

Jack Handy would be a great name for a guy that jacks people off.

Yeah, that fucks animals.

Yeah, yeah.

Can you imagine getting that fucking

that resume before he got a job at SNL?

And it said right on the top, Jack Handy, and you're like, I bet this guy's resume says he jacks people off.

This has got to be a joke resume.

This guy masturbates people in a bathroom for a living.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dude, people are mad at Leia because me and Leia were walking around

like the Lower East Side.

Two people fucking in an outdoor dining room.

And she took a photo.

Yeah, she posted a video online, and people were like, How dare you post this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Why?

Because it's an invasion of privacy.

Well, they're in public.

What are your thoughts on that, Adam?

You were a lawyer, you know.

Yeah, I was a lawyer.

Yeah.

Now you're a TV show host.

Sorry.

I just farted.

Good.

I was laughing.

Yeah.

Have a little too much fun over here, I guess.

Good.

That's the zone we need to get into.

Can we turn the temperature down on the spotlight?

No.

Now that I'm over here, I can't get back up the ladder.

Wait, so you saw what the couple looked like.

It was for the moment.

What do you mean?

You saw the couple?

Because you were with Leigh.

It was just a video.

You're a racial question?

I guess I am, yeah.

Yeah, what are you?

The NYPD?

No, it's funny because she posted and there were people making a good point online.

They were like, if this were two gay people,

there would be a lockdown.

They would fucking send everybody home.

Two gay people did that in an outdoor dining shed.

That would set them back 50 years.

Were people dining in the dining shed?

What?

Were people dining in the dining?

There was one guy toughing it out.

There's one guy that's like, fuck you.

COVID's not over.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't care.

I don't care what you do.

I'm going to keep being a COVID guy.

He's like wearing a mask, right, right.

Yeah, yeah.

Some people are still holding on to the COVID stuff.

Yeah, not the fucking in the outdoor shed couple.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, it's wild, though.

Really, if it was gay people.

Maybe they were celebrating the end of the pandemic.

Maybe.

The people who were fucking in the shed.

Yeah.

That's going to be that baby's name.

Pandemic.

Yeah.

That's pretty cool.

Yeah, that's an easy joke.

You can always just say any word and say it's a black person's name.

Yeah.

Oh, because were they?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Because they were.

Not that it matters.

The race.

Yeah.

But they were.

Surprisingly, very few people being racist about it.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Look at the camera.

I don't know.

Sorry, you're right.

I'm talking over you.

It's your show.

No, it's not that.

I just want to do it professional, and I feel like this is like.

Am I sweating right now?

I think you look good.

I mean, you look wet, but you look good.

Yeah.

I don't want to look wet.

No, it's a good look.

You think so?

Yeah.

Maybe focus less on yourself and

a little sleazy.

Yeah, try to

ask Mike about him or

talk about the world or people fucking in an outdoor dining shed.

Yeah.

What movies have you seen lately?

What does Mike do?

Mike's away.

But what were people's takes on the fucking, on the

Leia shouldn't have posted it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I was standing there, so I got my commentary in there, so I've technically been on WorldStar now.

Dream achieved, dude.

That's what Martin Luther King dreamt about.

Nice.

white guy would end up on world star someday as a behind the camera guy not not the dude losing not the dude letting it slip yeah letting it fly at 2 a.m in the mcdonald's parking lot and then getting the shit beaten out of him

you remember those videos there used to be like the guy white guys don't do it anymore but like 15 years ago i feel like there used to be a lot of like street fight videos there would be some fat redneck that's like yeah i can beat up seven black guys

oh that yeah that's

i'm gonna try it yeah yeah yeah yeah.

I'm going to try.

And then just getting fucking demolished.

Yeah, yeah.

Right.

He's wearing his fucking underwear on his head at the end of the video.

Right.

And then that would just go up on World Star.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And nobody really, like, roots for the white guy.

Never.

Not even other racist guys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Even if you're in the, even if you're in the right, if you get in an argument with like, that's my biggest fear.

I'm going to be in an argument with like a black woman on the street.

Yeah.

And I'm going to be, no one's going to, no one's going to take my side.

Does that happen?

Even if I'm right.

No, but it's like my fear, you know?

That's your fear?

Yeah.

I'm oftentimes yelled at on the street.

Are you?

By

women of color.

Really?

Yeah.

What do they yell at you for?

I don't know.

They just yell at you.

My face.

I don't know.

Yeah.

My dog's pooping in the wrong place.

I don't know why I attract that so much.

Yeah.

I really try to keep to my mind.

Maybe they feel like they can bully you.

Yeah, I suppose.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But it's not high school anymore.

Let's be adults.

When you're Italian, they go, you can't let them push you around.

Yeah, but you can't push back.

No.

Yeah.

You can't.

Well, I just say, I love you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They don't like that either.

When you say I love you.

Yeah, I don't know why.

You don't think that maybe you're like acting a fool a little bit?

Oh, yeah, I'm wilding out.

Yeah, I'm acting a fool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you see that trending topic today on Twitter?

It was one of the headlines, but it said

it's like a picture of like 10 black female judges.

And then the headline was, we call ourselves the sister judges.

And it's like,

did they actually

or did someone just assume that?

Yeah.

Because that seems like a dangerous headline to publish.

Why is that?

I don't know.

It sounds racist to me.

Well, what if they called themselves that?

I'm hoping they did.

And I'm sure they did.

I'm just trying to say just we're introduced topics here and then maybe you can have instead of just saying no to

I'm not saying no to anything.

What are you talking about?

You set up this light so that I okay.

You were talking earlier about uh the animals what what percentage of animals do you think people fuck I think that's an interesting yeah it's a minority it's a minority it would have to be larger animals what minority really I was gonna say all the animals what

that's not what I'm saying Nick

that's not what I'm saying Nick

which minority

I'll bite Nick

Adam Adam posited that it's perhaps a specific minority that's fucking the vast majority of animals which minority

is it the sista judges?

No, I didn't say that either, Nick.

We call ourselves the Sista judges, and we fuck horses.

Yeah, I don't know.

You think anyone's ever fucked like a whale?

Maybe like a beached whale?

No.

A hero.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A beached whale.

I love that it's a whale in distress.

Can you imagine that?

You're a whale, and you're like, what the fuck?

Why am I not swimming?

What habit?

What is this?

Yeah.

What the fuck?

Can you imagine?

What that would be like if you were like a human.

Imagine like you fucking stepped off.

You're like saying goodbye to your friend at Starbucks.

You're like, all right, I'll catch you later.

And you step off the curb, and then you're just in space.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you're like, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Your blood's boiling.

You're like, what the fuck?

And then a tiny alien starts fucking your ass.

Yeah, right.

A tiny alien is coming in you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Before your brain explodes.

And then other aliens come over, they go, stop it.

What are you doing?

Yeah.

No, sister judge.

No, sister judge alien.

Don't fuck that spaced human.

Fuck you.

Yeah, yeah.

No one tells this sister judge not to fuck you.

I didn't go to law school so people could tell me not to fuck space whales.

That's right, baby.

Yeah.

Adam, did you meet any of the sister judges while you were in law school?

I didn't go to law school.

I thought you were a lawyer.

No, I wasn't a lawyer.

I was a paralegal.

Oh.

What was that like?

Well, the last.

What does para mean in Latin?

That just means sort of.

Like sort of

kind of.

yeah

if you're so if you're like on plegic no, I think it means like sub like

yeah

I was a submissive lawyer.

Yeah, yeah,

and then there were dom daddy lawyers that were like uh can you can you have that on my desk?

And I was like what are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do?

Right.

Yeah, do you want

what what does his face look like right now?

It looks fine.

Uh, so we got

Okay.

Yeah.

Do you want to?

All right.

So why don't you tell them about the sponsor?

So, yeah, mybookie.ag.

The NFL is back.

The MLB is in the playoffs right now.

And then we got the NBA also kicking into full steam.

They didn't send updated.

Oh, that's what you wrote.

We also have.

At mybookie.ag,

you can bet on various sports, and you could also play casino games.

You could play the ponies.

They got a

crack team of experts that are setting up these props and parlays.

Have you ever bet before, Mike?

I bet on the, yeah, in Vegas.

I was stuck there for a little bit, so I bet on the bum fights.

Broncos.

Yeah, I bet on the bum fights.

You bet on bum fights.

That was from Vegas.

You remember that?

Oh, was it?

Yeah, it was reprehensible.

Anyway,

so they have live casino games.

You can play slots.

I think they want us to talk about the NFL, but they sent, like, I don't know, some file, I think it was a virus.

They said this is the copy, but yeah, I couldn't open it.

Well, it's a reputable website.

You put your wet your money in there.

They give you some bonuses for your money.

You can play, you can bet on MMA.

You can bet on

what else?

You know, various sports.

They have live in-game betting.

So if you put a bad bet on the beginning, you can place a good bet, place a good bet, get your money back, get your money back.

Yeah, yeah.

And you can't lose.

Nick, have you lost before?

What, betting?

Sports betting?

Yeah.

Only because I haven't placed any bets.

Think about all the money I could have.

That's a good point.

I had been

on bookie.ague home of the sister judges.

That's all you got to do, Adam.

Just say things we said 10 minutes ago.

Yeah,

home of the sister judges.

Home of the sister.

Home of the sister judges.

That's why when you see footage from like court and there's like a black lady judge and she's like, try me, try me.

She's like talking like I think that's just

divorce court.

Oh, is it?

Oh, what am I thinking of?

I don't think the actual sister judges do that.

That's not happening in traffic courts.

I don't think those are licensed judges.

They're not sitting out there.

They're being like, you got red lights and you got green lights.

And what you did is you went through a red light.

I don't think those conversations happen.

Yeah, because I would love it, dude.

I would get tickets every day.

Really funny.

I would blow every light to just go see the sister judges in court.

And I'd be like, I'm back.

I'm back, Yvette.

Nick Mullen, what you doing?

Yeah, yeah.

You know.

You know who I am.

Can we sidebar?

Can we sidebar in your chambers?

Good morning.

Yeah.

Every day.

Anyway, so you go to mybookie.ag, you put in promo code TAFS, you get a sign-up bonus, you get free money, you play, you win.

All right.

T-A-F-S.

And sometimes you lose.

lose, but you know what?

It's kind of fun.

It's kind of fun to lose at gambling because it's like it teaches you how to take an L.

It's very hard to take an L, but I think it's good training.

I lost some money in Vegas.

The way I take an L is I go to McDonald's at 2 o'clock in the morning

in Montgomery, Alabama.

You just yelling.

Yeah, I pull my pickup truck.

Yeah, I get out of my pickup truck,

and then I'm like,

how dare you act like this?

How dare you ruin McDonald's by acting like this?

I just have no pants on.

Just a little clown-nosed piece.

Just a family beast.

Just this shit out of you.

Yeah, just a clown-nosed penis.

A scoop of ice cream, vanilla ice cream in a bowl of pupes.

Just fucking, yeah, just say something wildly racist and get my shit rocked.

Yeah.

Nice.

Yeah.

Have you ever gotten beaten out of American history XXL?

No.

You've never gotten this shit beaten out of you?

No, not really.

What's the worst you've ever...

Have you been punched in the face before?

No.

My dad would like hit me with a belt here and there.

He did.

Yeah, but that was probably the worst.

He did you from across the room?

Like

Scorpion?

Yeah.

Or he was like a bull whip situation.

No, he would kind of like just fold the belt.

Yeah.

But that was, yeah, no, I've never really been like beat up or in a fight or anything.

What about you?

No, I've always managed to avoid it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was punched once in the face.

I was thinking about it.

Because didn't he say, like, you said you were going to buy me a coffee?

And then the bad word.

The bad word.

The bad word after that.

He said, I thought I told you to get me a coffee.

And then that word.

And then I, you know, I looked at him.

I said, Are you on the right path in life?

And then he looked at me.

He said, no one's ever asked me that before.

And I gave him a job.

Nice.

Yeah.

He's my personal assistant now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nice.

Yeah, not bad.

Yeah.

You teach a man to fish, you know?

You don't call the police.

I did go to the police.

I went to the police.

You did?

Yeah, I went to the police in that subway station.

Doesn't that suck when that happens?

You have to call the cops on a black person.

I've never done that.

He wasn't.

He wasn't.

You call the cops on a black guy.

He wasn't black?

No, he wasn't black.

And then a black cop shows up.

And the black cop's like, what did he look like?

What did he say?

What did he say to you?

He was handsome.

He was cool.

He had swag.

That's probably the worst interaction to have.

What?

You know what I mean?

To have to call the police on a black copy.

Yeah, you haven't done it.

But you have to do it.

Right.

And then you have to tell a black cop.

And they're like, what did he look like?

And you're like, he was,

yeah.

He was a big guy.

What do you think the extent of the crime is before you're like, you know,

I don't need to file a report?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What do you think is the worst thing that could happen before you're like, okay, I got to tell this guy?

I guess if, yeah, I guess if it's like, it's got to be like physical or something, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or financial.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Like he, like, he, the homeless guy, like, embezzles your money.

Yeah.

Well, or you, you know, you're trying to give him money and then you accidentally give him, you know, a five instead of a one, and then he won't give it back to you.

That's a perfect reason to call the police on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because it's, you know.

You're playing three-card Monty and you.

Exactly.

Yeah.

$20, and you you call the cops.

And you're there with your family.

Precisely.

Yeah.

So Black Adam is in the theaters.

Are you excited about it?

What is it?

What is that?

It's a film in the theaters right now.

It's a superhero movie?

Yeah, it was directed by Jim Jaramouche.

Okay.

And what is it?

I don't know.

I really don't know anything about it.

He's electric.

Okay.

Yeah.

That's cool.

What do you think?

Sounds fun.

What did you say?

Check that out.

Black guy that's made of electricity.

Well, he just goes to like Amish country and terrorizes them.

He's just plugging shit in.

He's plugging in his boombox.

Is that what the movie is about?

Perhaps.

I haven't seen it.

I thought Mike did.

I thought we asked you before the show to go to Black Adam.

No, I didn't see it.

I Venmo'd you for a ticket to Black Adam.

You did?

Yeah, yeah.

But I said, take your son.

Yeah.

Would you spend it on crap?

I spent on diapers.

Drugs.

Yeah.

Oh, diapers.

For myself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, yeah, cool.

So have you ever had sex in an outdoor dining hut before?

No.

You haven't?

I should, though.

You should.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There should be more diversity of people who do that.

Well, I'm sure plenty of different people do it.

You think?

What do you think, Nick?

And what?

Who's having sex out there?

Yeah, who's having sex in the outdoor dining thing?

To be honest with you, that is the only time I've seen it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I don't want to the sample size is too small.

I saw a couple like fucking in their car once, like in the East Village.

They were like,

the girl was like riding the guy.

Was it a PT Cruiser?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you know the girl?

No.

You are.

What the fuck?

I met you once.

Yeah.

We matched on Tinder.

We matched on Tinder.

I was like, holy, what the fuck's wrong with you?

You blocked me on Tinder.

Who the fuck is this?

Who is he?

Dad?

Yeah.

You You know, I thought it would be a cool possessive move is you cut your arm off

and then you make your girlfriend wear it around her shoulder all the time.

You're like that possessive?

You're like, that way people know we're together.

It's just always, yeah.

Just always around.

Just fucking stay away, pal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just so you know, it's my girl.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just with a sword, you cut the fucking thing off.

Uh-huh.

She's like, in front of everybody on the train.

In front of her family.

Yeah.

In front of her father.

You say, that's mine now.

That's not yours anymore.

That's cool, though.

Did you have to have a talk with your wife's father?

I was about to say, husband.

Yeah.

No.

He's not really around that much.

But everyone certainly tries to be.

Did she have to have a talk with your mother?

Was your mom like, I'll stop having sex with him now?

He has a wife.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm like, I'm sorry.

They grow up so fast.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you ever do that with your girlfriend?

Do you ever like to do that?

Well, we don't have too much else to work with, so we can't pet too, right?

We got to power through, dude.

Until you're comfortable with the format, we got to keep doing it.

Well, I'm not comfortable with that.

Anyway, it's funny.

The lights are on right now.

You're saying.

The audience spoke.

They said the lights were wrong.

The audience didn't want this.

The audience wanted a more

monologue.

Is this theatrical right now?

90% of the comments were: I was expecting the movie Bronson.

That's what I, in my head, that's what I thought it was.

We can do that.

Is that that movie?

I don't know.

I didn't see it.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

It's all right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I watched Misery.

That was really good.

It's a cool movie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, in the book, they cut his foot off

and then cauterize it with a blowtorch.

And everyone involved in the movie had a problem with that.

The original director wouldn't do it.

And I think Warren Beatty was supposed to play,

what's his name?

Sheldon.

Paul Sheldon.

Young Sheldon.

Yeah, Young Sheldon.

Young Sheldon.

Yeah, very good, Adam.

What?

No, no, good.

Yeah, jump in with stuff like that.

Young Sheldon.

Young Sheldon.

And then maybe,

Adam,

if you're comfortable with it, like, what would young Sheldon in misery look like?

You know, instead of just a line, like, just go into the character.

You know, like, just feel out the bit, see where it goes.

He'd be like,

do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?

Maybe try to stay in the bit rather than making the bow tie.

I haven't seen either.

That would be a tough one for me, too, because I haven't seen Young Sheldon.

It's a boy.

He's a nurse.

He's like, Oh, Kathy watches this.

Where's my bow tie?

Did you eat it, you fat bitch?

I haven't seen misery.

Did you eat my bow tie, you fucking pig?

You know, maybe that's what Young Sheldon would say.

Maybe that's what James Kahn should have done when he was in the bed, just made call her fat until she left him alone.

Yeah.

You know, if that movie,

if it was a hot woman, that would just be pornography.

Yeah.

If it had been two hours of a hot woman tortured.

She looked kind of like a woman.

What's the movie?

A big galaxy.

He looks old.

Because he's chained to the bed, getting his legs broken.

But frankly, you're right.

A babe, dude.

A babe, too.

Pig in the city.

That's good.

Wait, it's about a big gal trying to have sex with James Cong.

Yeah,

he's like an author, and she's like a big fan.

And he gets in a car accident, so she brings him into her house.

and uh yeah but she I don't know she kind of she looks kind of good yeah that's kind of my type you like him I like him a little bigger yeah yeah have you seen about Schmidt

no you see her naked

yeah yeah okay Kathy Bates all right yeah I did I did an about face when I saw that scene

I said no thank you

it's about time to turn this movie

very good Mike very good thanks Nick thanks for being here yeah thanks for helping Adam through this Just trying to keep up, you know?

Just trying to.

Yeah.

I feel like I'm in Guantanamo Bay right now, to be honest with you.

What would that be like?

What would young Sheldon and Guantanamo Bay be like?

Oh.

The terrorists

are fucking my ass.

He's just Mickey Mouse.

I don't know where the weapons of mass destruction are.

Keep going.

It was a little bit America's fault, if we could admit it.

Can you turn down, let the bodies hit the floor?

It's very loud.

Do I have to listen to this all day long?

That's right.

Jessica Chastain, you're the girl doing this to me right now?

You're kind of fire.

Can I get a little bit of pussy out?

I'll stay in jail.

Can you waterboard me again?

I'll stay in jail.

There you go.

Can you waterboard balls?

I thought, okay.

How about bombs?

And he's like, dude, I'm so fucking smoking balls.

I'm so fucking hot right now.

I love math and I love fucking weed.

How about tongue Sheldon?

And he likes eating Kathy Bates' pussy.

Mm-hmm.

What about

Kung Sheldon?

Oh, that's the best one yet.

And he does.

Do the voice.

Kung Fu.

Do the voice.

What?

And he double loves math.

He loves math.

This guy loves math so much.

He does math in his free time.

Yeah.

Well, yeah,

I hit that pretty good.

So you're looking forward to Thanksgiving, Mike?

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And your whole family dresses up as the

Pilgrims and the Indians.

We had to stop dressing up.

The first persons.

Yeah.

You had to stop that.

We had to stop.

They made the Racine family stop.

Yeah, they came up with my dad.

Your dad got away from me.

My dad would dress up as Squanto.

And then we'd all gang rape my mother.

Do you remember you were hosting Funny Moms once, and

we were on stage

and we were like,

if our dads were roommates

in the pen, like who would who would be the

fuck whose dad?

Who would be the

like a playground argument?

Yeah, yeah, like little kids.

I was like,

my dad would kick the shit out of your dad.

Yeah.

Maybe that's what I'll do when my kid starts going to school.

I'll be like,

so you don't have to be around.

No, Johnny.

Get some peace and quiet in jail.

Just be like, just have my kid be like,

my dad could rape your dad.

And then he was like, my dad will beat up your dad.

Yeah, my dad could beat up.

Yeah, yeah.

My kid will be like, my dad will fuck your dad in the mouth and ass.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then, and then the counselor would have to get called in for that.

They'd be like, he has emotional.

And then my wife calls me like, did he, with someone, did he, he said he'll, you know, fuck someone in the ass?

And I just hang up on her.

You'll be like, well, I don't know.

I'm on a moving job, bitch.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You were the one who told him that in the first place, wife.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Your father would rape any of those other boys.

He's a real animal.

What are you up to over there?

Me?

Yeah.

I'm enjoying the show.

Are you?

You're having fun right now?

My hips hurt.

This is a weird way to stand.

Behind my head is just,

I can't get it out of my head, to be honest.

Oh, the nick is behind you.

Yeah, it's like there's a ghost following me.

Yeah, but think about the way I'm behind you emotionally.

It's the same thing.

Right now with the lights and everything, I'm not so sure.

You just got to lean into it.

I'm leaning in.

What are you finding?

Instead of being uncomfortable with the warmth, why don't you make it, you know,

feel good about it?

Yeah.

You're a baby.

You're a premature baby.

And you're in an incubator.

Yeah.

And I'm fighting.

They got a hose up your ass and one down your throat.

Yeah, I got a bunch of hose.

Giving you nutrients.

Yeah, that's cool.

You know?

Yeah.

Mike, you were born six months premature.

Yeah.

They called you the shrimp boy of New Jersey.

Shrimp boy of New Jersey.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And look at what, look, look at.

Yeah, I turned out okay.

You turned out all right, yeah.

5'8.

5'8?

You're a tall drink of water over there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How about a restaurant called the Ray Cump Shrimp Company?

Bubba Ray.

Bubba Cump.

It's the Ray Cump Shrimp Company, and they have a picture of Ray outside, and people start opening the door, and then they close it and continue walking down the street.

That's pretty.

Okay, sorry.

Or that'd be fun.

It's like, maybe what if you ate shrimp off of Raycom's naked body?

Yeah.

And

it's a family-style recipe.

Caffey pig sushi.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Have you ever done that?

Have you ever eaten shrimp off a woman's pussy and ass?

Not those parts of her body.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

That's crazy that that's like a job for Japanese women.

Is dinner plates.

Yeah.

The men all get to be young Sheldon, and

they get to be Kung Sheldon, and the women have to be dinner plate.

Yeah, but some of them, they rise through the ranks.

You know, they become the best in the biz.

Right.

They go to the emperor's house.

Yeah.

Imagine you're on a talk show someday and you're like, yeah,

my dad was a plumber, and my mom was a dinner plate.

You're talking about your background.

I c I I came from nothing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, well, it's okay.

Yeah.

I would kind of rather do the dinner plate thing right now.

You're rather be a dinner plate than do this the show?

It's just I'm f incredibly am I sweating right now or no?

I don't know.

You I've seen wet.

I'm completely wet

right now.

I think it's it's I'm going to look like an idiot.

But usually he's kind of dry, right?

Yeah.

So it's it's a nice little

it's a new look.

Was that that like a different listener complaint, Nick, that they weren't seeing me enough?

Yeah.

It's good.

How many of them complained about that?

95% of the

feedback on the last episode.

I think you're making me out to be.

Did anybody like it?

No.

Yeah, no.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, you know.

You try to do better next time, I guess.

This is next time.

This is next time.

Right, and I think we've done okay.

Nick had that thing about the aliens.

Imagine

you step out of Starbucks and you're in space and then a little aliens fucking you.

We should incorporate more of like a Barney style wrap-up at the end of the show where we go through all the bits

and say what worked and what didn't.

But we'll dial in.

Adam will get more comfortable.

He'll start thinking of questions

beforehand.

Yeah.

Did you watch Barney like late in life?

Yes.

Was he still watching?

I still watched Barney.

It's a good show, dude.

Yeah.

The original cast is good.

Well, a lot of them are dead.

Are they?

Well, I mean, you want to talk about Hollywood Abuse, the fucking

set of Barney.

Yeah.

He would put the tail

in.

What were the years that

David Mammot wrote for Barney?

Oh, I don't know.

Instead of that, how about you can say, did you know David Mammet wrote for Barney?

Well, yeah, I think that's kind of telling you.

Oh, really?

And then you do the bit.

Rather than,

hey, you know, you know what I mean?

Rather than throwing it?

Well, you could have said 92 to 96, you know, and then we could have riffed out like a

like

they're cursing a lot, they're screaming at each other, kind of like a Glenn, Gary, Glenn, Barney kind of, you know,

that kind of situation.

What would that even look like?

I'm trying to think.

I'll tell you what, it would be very purple.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, because he's mad and he's Barney.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That guy is a real animal or a monster, a dinosaur.

Yeah, on set.

Just your son coming home from the set of Barney and you're like changing his diaper and his ass is completely purple.

You're like, is this

bruising or fuzz?

Hey, Barney, what's going on?

Why is my son's ass purple?

He just gives me some bullshit answer.

He's like, I love you.

All right, I love you too.

The wife is like, what did he say?

He's like, I don't know.

Stop being a bitch.

He pulled a fast one on me.

He kept saying, I love you, and it charmed me that I didn't know.

Just let me do that.

Barney putting his dinosaur tail

in your ass.

Yeah.

And being like, I love you.

Yeah.

You have a son now.

Yeah.

If Barney molested my son,

I'd kill Barney.

I'd kill Barney.

Yeah.

You remember as a kid to make a song about it?

Yeah, yeah.

Let's get together and kill Barney.

It's weird to think that Barney met his demise with a meteor.

Right?

Because that's the conceit of the show.

He's a dinosaur.

Oh, is that

the show ends?

Yeah.

No, that's what happened.

Sees it.

The series finale.

He has to get incinerated by a comet.

He just like knows it's coming.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's like, damn you, God.

It's crazy that he knows English and he's a dinosaur.

And then you got these fucking Home Depot guys.

And it's like, okay, well, you know literally Barney and he hangs out with toddlers.

And he's got it.

It's like if Barney can do it, yeah, why can't these guys?

He's a dinosaur.

He's a dinosaur.

Yeah.

He's from millions of years ago.

And

he's got a walnut lizard brain.

And he's purple.

Yeah.

And he still can speak English and molest kids.

Well, there's a lot of money behind Barney.

There's a ton.

Yeah.

You know,

are you still back there?

Yeah.

You know, they have like, you know, the Bilderberg Group, Chase Manhattan Bank.

Right.

They're all pushing that kind of stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

To control

your son.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Would you.

Yeah.

What are you up to?

What's that?

I just, I don't know if this setup is good.

I don't really feel comfortable right now.

Let's talk about.

What do we have to talk about?

The other thing we have to talk about.

Blue Chew?

Yeah, let's talk about Blue Chew.

Okay, yeah.

Blue Chew.com.

If you like sex, you'll love Blue Chew.com.

They got different types of pills that

give you erection so you could have sex.

They have Tadalophil, Lexapro, Selenium.

I forgot the names of the medicine.

Lexapro?

Yeah.

Like the antidepressant?

Apparently, that doesn't give you an erection.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It kills your bonus.

I like that.

Lexapro is just for women, right?

No, it's got like a stripper name kind of.

It does.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I went to a.

They were putting on you

on Stylusert,

Starless Ert.

Or what are some other stripper names?

Champagne.

I don't know, but stripper names aren't very good.

They're not very sexy.

Champagne orol.

Yeah.

Something like that.

Yeah.

Hey.

There's a girl that worked at Pumps.

Her name was Janet.

And that's not really a stripper name.

It sounds too much like Janitor.

I don't know why people name her daughter Janet.

Yeah, my daughter's trash.

She works with garbage.

She's got a trash push.

This is my daughter Mop and

my son Brew Shovel.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's my daughter, Euline.

I went to an exotic

dance club this weekend in Atlantic City.

Okay.

Adam loves strippers.

Adam's a huge strip club guy.

Yeah, I kind of like that too.

When they're nice.

Do you like them?

Yeah, when they're nice to you.

That's kind of fun.

Yeah, when they're like when your wife is being a bitch, it's fun to just talk to a stripper for a little bit.

I was at a bachelor party.

Yeah.

But it was all nude.

And I have to say,

alarming.

What?

The exposed genitalia and anus.

Yeah.

It like gynecological, like not sexy.

Like straight in your face.

Yeah.

I think there should be some mystery.

Sure.

There should be a little bit of, you know, like a little magic.

My pussy.

Yeah.

Like I bet in underneath those

that bathing suit.

That's a nice pussy.

Is a is a pussy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Graphic, in fact.

Yeah.

What happened to that?

What happened to this country?

I don't know.

All right.

Promo code Come Town or Come Town20.

Blue Chew.com.

Nice.

If you like sex, you'll love Blue Chew.com.

Maybe do a little more, you know, read just so

I read from the paper.

I'm surprised you're doing the show on your feet.

You're not getting tired.

I am tired.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But.

I'm incredibly hot right now.

You know, there's a job to do.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so.

If you love sex, bluechew.com.

You don't have to go to the doctor.

You meet with someone on the internet.

You say.

Adam, talk about your experience.

Do you like to work, though?

Are you like a work?

Yeah, do you consider yourself like a work woman?

I am like,

I never stop working.

I wish I didn't have to sleep so I could just be working 24 hours a day.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I tried, but it drove me insane.

Yeah.

You need a little break.

Yeah.

I was writing a symphony, in fact.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Cool.

But the technology didn't exist to make the music that was in my heart.

Yeah.

It was kind of a Brian Brian, what's his name?

The Beach Boys.

Mike, you ever meet somebody that's like, oh, composer?

No.

And like in 2022?

No, have you?

You're like, oh, I compose music.

No.

It's like,

this is worse.

That's like the worst kind of guy to be.

No, they call them producers now.

Oh, all right.

Then it's cool.

Super producer.

Changed my mind.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Anyway.

Yeah.

Have you?

No, but I guess I'm wrong.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

I'm wrong.

You said they're producers.

It doesn't.

Well, I mean, I'm sure there are composers.

Oh, okay.

You think there are like fame.

Like, what are your big fall plans?

You're going out, you're going to the Poconos, Berkshire's?

Yeah, maybe we'll try to get to the Poconos.

We went to a petting zoo a couple weeks ago.

That was nice.

It's always fun.

Yeah, it's fun.

Yeah.

And then your son asks you what type of animal it is, and you're like, come on.

Yeah.

Is it a different sheep?

Yeah.

What the fuck?

I'm never going to learn goats and sheep.

Yeah.

They're too similar.

Yeah.

One of them's from hell, and then the other one's for clothing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it'd be nice.

I don't know.

I mean, it's going to go by fast.

You know, there's only so many weekends in the month.

But maybe, yeah, try to get to the polka.

Yeah, I tell you, your whole life's going to go by fast.

Yeah.

You'll be dead before you know it.

Everyone you know and love.

Yeah.

I think that's yeah.

I think you're going to have a hell of a ride, Mike.

Yeah,

I hope my kid makes it to at least like nine or ten before I die.

Before he dies, oh, yeah, or you die.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You want to die young?

You want to have one of those?

No, I don't think I have a choice.

You want one of those kids that gets like dead dad pussy?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the best gift to him.

Does that happen?

Yeah, for sure.

Guys with tattoos.

He starts getting tattoos at 11.

Yeah.

You know, just shit his dad likes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So he's got like a fucking like a Nick Mullen tattoo.

Yeah.

Yeah, a cometown tattoo.

Yeah.

You're like, yeah, my dad just.

Just Nick and Adam on it.

Yeah.

Either of his nipples.

Yeah.

I wouldn't like it if my son did that.

No.

No, it'd be horrific.

What if my son did that?

I wouldn't like that either.

I'd be like, your dad was a great man.

Yeah.

Unappreciated in his time.

Yeah.

Kind of like the guy who wrote Confederacy of Dunces.

Yeah.

Have you read that book?

No.

Is it good?

Some guy wrote it and then killed himself and everyone's like, oh, it's the funniest book ever.

I heard the title of that book and I was like, you mean The Confederacy?

Yeah, the actual Confederacy.

They were.

They were not very sad.

Saturday,

Yeah, not very smart to

have slaves either.

To try to go to war with a guy with a giant hat?

That's as dumb as pulling a McDonald's parking lot movie.

You're like, yeah, we're going to kick that guy's ass.

That six foot seven psycho with the baby voice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, you're talking about Lincoln?

Lincoln, yeah.

Yeah.

You see, imagine Lincoln.

Because back then, everyone's, what, like 5'1?

This giant comes up.

He's like, y'all trying to keep, y'all going to get a slavery go.

You're going to have to go through me, Playboy.

You're going to have to answer to me, Playboy.

You're like, yeah, I can kick this guy's ass.

That guy swings for a living.

That's all he does.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Get your clock cleaned by Abe.

So if you were around

prior to the Civil War, would you have been pro- or anti-slavery?

I don't know.

I mean, I think about this a lot.

You don't know.

Yeah.

I mean, I guess it would be a simple question.

I guess it would depend depend on who my dad was.

Yeah.

And that's it.

Yeah.

And your dad was a slave.

Right.

Yeah.

Well, because here's, I mean, this is probably the only place

I can express this thought

on this show.

Yeah, we're trying to not, okay, continue.

But you always think about like, you know, slavery was like bad, but everybody

participated in it.

Not everyone.

Especially, you know, participated more than anybody is

black people, honestly.

Right.

It's just as on them as it is anybody else.

Right.

Why were they doing it?

Yeah, right.

Just don't do it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just say, suck my digs.

Yeah, right, exactly.

I'm sure.

You can see what you can do in the McDonald's parking lot.

You should have done that.

Right, right, right, right.

You're going to tell me that fat guy stepping out of the pickup.

I should have brought the slave master to the McDonald's parking lot.

Yeah, right, exactly.

He'd be like, hey, how about some sweet and sour sauce at 3 a.m.?

Done.

Slavery over.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't think they were willing participants.

I think they were.

No.

They were coerced.

Yeah.

They said, get on this boat.

We have some sexy women waiting on the other side.

Remember Ellian Gonzalez?

Yeah, I do.

Yeah.

That was a great time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Janet Renaissance.

I didn't know why people were fighting about that.

Why?

Well, there were Cubans.

There were

Cuban-Americans who were anti-Castro, who said we have to keep him.

And then Janet Reno was saying the boy needs to be with her.

Another trash pussy lady.

No, she had actually, despite what they said and the Will Farrell

caricature on SNL, she had a tremendous pussy.

She had a tremendous pussy.

Yeah, nice.

Her name's Janet.

Yeah, but from earlier.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're saying.

Oh, okay.

But she was a woman who was her.

Right, can you turn towards Daniel?

Her looks were...

You looked great a second ago.

Right here?

Yeah, yeah.

That's perfect.

Nick said I look great.

Yeah, I usually can't.

He usually, you know.

Says the opposite.

I'm just

usually like, you look like shit.

I feel like that helps you.

Yeah, I think it does a little bit.

I'm trying to be a director.

Just Nick being like a mean, like, a mean mom.

Yeah, but why, why?

Didn't you call me Livia Soprano one time?

I think so.

What was the context of that?

Who was I being just a bitch about?

I forget what I was talking about.

No, no, it wasn't you.

Yeah, it was probably.

I think we were in the green room at Philly and you were drinking wine, and I was like, I think I look pretty good.

And you were like, what are you talking about?

You look like absolute shit.

He's such so mean.

It's funny.

Yeah, I guess it's funny.

It's told

It's funny to say that to somebody right before they go on stage.

But does it bother you if people are fat?

No, not at all.

So when I gain a little extra weight, you're not like, ugh, he's disgusting.

No, you're fine.

Also, it's like you said.

You said that I'm not bringing him to Dallas next month.

You have a kid, you have a family, there's a reason for you to be fat.

You know what I mean?

If you were staying in shape, I'd be like, maybe you should read a book to your son.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd give you a different type of criticism.

No matter what, the criticism is never going to end.

Oh, never gonna end.

That'll be a constant.

I think you look great.

Thanks.

And I don't think you're fat.

Thanks.

You've gained quite a bit of weight, though.

I tell you what, they always make bigger clothes.

Yeah, they do.

They do.

Lizzo's got her own clothes now.

Yeah.

You see that?

Start wearing those.

That's a level.

Can you imagine that?

Getting that fat that you're like, well, I guess I have to make my own clothes.

I guess I have to design customers.

I guess I have to start encouraging other people to be big like me.

Selling them clothes.

I kind of like Liz, oh, now.

You like her?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, she gets a lot of shit.

I think anytime somebody gets a lot of shit, I tend to, you know,

side with them.

My girlfriend's been watching HBO Girls recently, and I always was like, oh.

Lena Dunham's a sick bird.

She stinks.

And I watched a couple episodes.

It's not bad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The writing is.

It's actually not bad.

She's quite a good writer.

She's a good writer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And

she's welcome on the show anytime.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

If we fix the lights.

Yeah.

Hopefully.

It'd be cool if she just walked in here.

Yeah.

She smelled the

same thing.

She's like going through it.

Yeah.

Like a Looney Since cards in it.

She smelled you too, they old pasta over here.

I threw it out.

Yeah, yeah.

That's fun.

Nick wanted it out

to make it more cinema veritable.

What pasta was it?

It was,

I forget.

Yeah.

It was like

a tube shape, but it had ridges on it.

Rigatone.

It wasn't a rigatone.

Everyone knows a rigatone.

Yeah.

No, it was like a special.

Okay.

Yeah, well, who cares?

Yeah.

What's your favorite pasta as an Italian, man?

You know, I really like

a nice amatriciana with the pancetta and the onions.

That's nice.

Just like just going for jokes the entire episode, and then as soon as he asked about pasta, they're like, well, I guess I don't even know what the fuck he said.

What is that?

Matriciana?

It's got pancetta and like onions in it and a tomatoes.

It's fantastic.

Yeah.

Do you think people would like Italian food if it was all named like Scottish food?

Like

agricatone was like derg, derg with boiled pop

poo-poo.

You know, they have a dish, spotted dick, over in England.

Yeah.

They eat that.

I don't know.

They got it right here, too.

What are you talking about?

Adam's dick.

Adam, pull your dick out.

That's why I don't like it.

Since we got the cameras in there,

put your dick out for the cameras.

That might be the visual element this show's missing.

What do you mean?

My penis.

I said this on the show.

You ever have the thing where only your dick is sweating?

You ever get that?

Where the rest of your body's dry and your dick is just sweating profusely?

No.

Damn.

Okay.

I'm sweating profusely right now, though.

That's all right.

We're almost there, dude.

Just keep going.

Keep asking questions.

Interview, interview, interview.

Dick Havitt now.

This is Groucho Marks.

Yeah, you can ask me anything, really.

I'm just, you know, I'm like an open book.

Okay.

About my personal life.

Really?

Yeah, whatever you want.

So what's like

when you're going to sleep at night, you know, there's that one sentence we tell ourselves that, you know, you're about to fall asleep and you bolt awake.

Yeah.

And it haunts you for years.

Yeah.

You ever get scared of falling asleep?

No.

It's kind of, I don't know, to me, it's kind of scary.

You're just unconscious for like a year.

Yeah, yeah, because you don't die.

It's nice.

Yeah.

I like it.

It's like, well, you're like dead for a little bit.

Yeah.

Right?

That's not what happens in my sleep.

No.

What happens in your sleep?

Everyone's like, welcome back.

I can't believe they were doing that to you.

It's like going to black traffic court.

What?

Nothing.

Don't worry about it.

That would be a great judge show's black traffic court.

Yeah.

And it's just what we said earlier, except it's a TV show.

That'd be pretty good.

But you know what I'm talking about?

Sometimes you'll see a video, like a viral video from court, and the judge is like, you can sit down.

You can.

And you're like, oh, okay.

No, I'll go with you.

All right.

For sure, yeah.

There was a video where like some black, some black female judge, like kicked a lady out of court, and she was like, Try it.

Try it.

And you're like, okay, all right.

Do you think she's got brains?

Does the black female judges get into it just for the robe?

Yeah, I mean.

It looks like kind of like a church choir aesthetic as well.

Yeah.

That's a great job.

You're fat.

I don't know how all judges aren't fat as shit, dude.

If I was wearing that every day, I'm just in a black Moo Moo.

Yeah.

I'd be 400 pounds in a week.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There was a judge in Las Vegas who was morbidly obese, who the Bar Association tried to get off the court multiple times.

For being obese?

No, for being a psychopath.

She would make her bailiff rub her feet and stuff.

And

she rode a rascal scooter, and

it was like a big

local controversy.

This woman, Halverston.

Yeah.

And she was abusive to people, and apparently maybe not even a lawyer or something like that.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't understand how that happened.

Yeah, what ended up happening to her?

I think she died of.

Yeah.

She died of what?

She got fucked to death by a horse.

Yeah.

Nice.

Catherine the Great, Nice.

But the Catherine the Great thing.

I feel like if I fucked a horse, I wouldn't die.

Oh, no.

I think you would.

I think you would.

Yeah, yeah.

The penis is so big.

Yeah, too big.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

And what does it do?

It like ruptures your intestines or something.

You know, exactly.

The fact that you said that, you already know.

You've already looked in this.

You're like, yeah, what happens?

It just perforates your colon

at the C5.

It's like shit blood until you

there's no blood left.

Yeah, so what happens?

What happens exactly?

Is it again?

Let me jog my memory here.

So it's because the horse's dick is too big.

Well, with Catherine the Great, they said she had a wooden contraption that her court influenced

to Thailand to fuck horses because the dicks are smaller.

Okay.

Or the pony guy.

Yeah.

Yeah, the pony guy.

Ooh, I just love my little pony.

I just love my little pony I got here with me in this outdoor dining shed.

Y'all love Thailand.

I'll tell you, if that outdoor dining shed, if it was a gay guy fucking a horse,

people would not stand for that.

Right.

People would, Leia would be a hero, right?

Leia would be a hero.

Yeah, she was.

Yeah.

She could put that on the Citizen app, the crime reporting app.

Yeah.

I had to make my girlfriend delete the Citizen app.

Oh, was she getting paranoid?

She was like, there's too much crime everywhere.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All the Karens were like,

I saw.

You know,

I saw a horse fucking

a gay guy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No.

Did you address that?

Do you have any closing thoughts for the show?

I just think we should just change the light setup.

I didn't feel closer.

Tell them.

Tell the audience.

Okay.

This is what the show is going to be if you want the lights different.

So tell them.

Tell them what.

Tell them this is what they wanted.

If you want the lights to be changed, text, change the lights to...

Nick, what's your phone number?

I'm not giving out my phone number.

Just, you know.

Just take mine.

Yeah.

609.

609.

And Mike, you got dates you want to plug, huh?

I got some dates.

Yeah.

November 16th, I'll be in Chicago at Zaney's.

And then November 20th, I'll be at the cellar door in Frederick, Maryland.

And then December 9th, I'll be at the comedy scene in Foxborough, Mass.

And then December 31st.

30th and 31st, I'll be at Bananas in Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey.

So if you want to come out.

And tomorrow,

tomorrow, both me and Adam will be at Governor's in Long Island.

Nice.

If you want to see

Friday, we will be at Governor's in Long Island.

Friday and Saturday, if you want to see the Adam Friedland Show live, is it going to be a live Adam Freedlin?

You're doing a set, and then I'm doing a set.

So it's for stand-up.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How do you feel?

Your stand-up's good.

My wife likes it.

Oh, that was probably not that good.

What?

If your wife likes it.

Yeah.

Thanks.

You want to say thanks, everybody?

Thanks, everyone.

Oh, check out the Out for Smokes podcast if you don't mind.

Thank you.

Welcome to What's Next for your career and for your future in healthcare.

Carrington College is hosting our biggest open house yet Thursday, August 14th, from 10 a.m.

to 7 p.m.

Come explore explore hands-on healthcare training programs, meet instructors, watch live demonstrations, tour the campus.

You could graduate in as few as nine months prepared to step into a new career.

Ready for what's next?

We're ready for you.

Reserve your spot today at carrington.edu slash events.

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Visit carrington.edu slash SEI for important information on program outcomes.

This is Bethany Frankel from Just Be with Bethany Frankel.

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