Ep. X09 – TAFS Final Test Episode

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Motherfucker.

Motherfucker.

Check.

Check.

Check, motherfucker.

Check.

You all ready for this?

I got my gun.

And I'm walked.

And I'm loaded.

Check.

And here we are, the Adam Freakin' show.

Which one?

I'm sorry.

I'm struggling to do this because I'm doing the board upside down today.

Why?

Just turn it towards you.

I can't.

Why?

Because of the way the power cord's kind of sitting there.

But it's long enough.

It's not.

I can't.

Okay.

I think you're the master of the board.

I like this.

This is the top of the show.

Adam Friedland.

What's on his motherfucking mind?

Let's find out.

Adam Friedland Show, ladies and gentlemen, the date, July 27th, 2022, and Joe Biden has tested negative for COVID-19 after only being sick for five days.

Did you, how much of the song did you want?

No, just that, yeah.

Just that part, yeah.

I think that was like a celebratory our president persevered, right?

He overcame.

Okay, yeah, so

let's go back to the thing, and then I'll just get

Cat Scratch Fever playing it.

Okay.

Because Cat Scratch Fever, I thought, you know, the president getting over Corona, Cat Scratch Fever, Chinese people eating cats.

I see it.

I see it a lot.

Yeah, yeah, I got you.

It's kind of like a Corona-themed song.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

I never put that together, but it's true.

Wow, isn't that the whole thing?

Didn't Tanuge and Tanuge really called it?

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Adam Friedland Show monologue.

Sorry, top of the show.

Go ahead.

Adam Friedland Show, ladies and gentlemen, July 27th, 2022.

And Joe Biden has tested negative.

All these and all these shows.

For COVID-19 after being only sick for five days.

Just a quick reminder, the former guy, he spent, are you ready for this?

Drum for all, please.

He spent that same amount of time

in the fucking hospital like a goddamn coward pussy.

A regular poly dog bitch boy.

How's that feel, Corn Top?

What's Pony Dog?

What's Paul?

Remember when he called that guy Pony Dog?

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

What's up, Pony Dog?

Sorry.

Listen, fat, you pony dog bastard brat.

Fuck fat.

Was that the listen fat guy?

Listen, fat.

The push-up contest guy.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll do a book report right now for push-up.

We'll have a book report off.

What is a pony dog?

Listen, pony, well, there's different animals back when he was growing up.

Oh, no, it's literally a dog that's so big that a child could ride on it like a pony.

That's what it is.

Jill's a big fan of pony dogs.

I used to go on vacation for years.

I'd be out making deals in China, and Joe would be home with the pony dog, getting piped down.

Damn.

Getting piped down by the pony dog.

We got a German Shepherd now, and they don't make pony dogs dogs anymore.

They don't make them anymore.

And the wise.

Joe ran through all of them.

Yeah, they have to fuck guys instead of these.

Every single one of them.

They all drown in Jill's pussy shoes.

All right.

So while Biden spent five days at his desk, dutifully signing any paper that was placed in front of him and doing his best to make his eyes track towards whatever camera he was supposed to be smiling at, Donald Trump's bout with COVID saw him airlifted by helicopter to Walter Reed Hospital.

Of course, Trump is is so goddamn fat that by the time they even got there, the helicopter was short of breath.

Even the helicopter was short of breath, folks.

Because he's fat.

Uh-oh.

Because he's

fat.

Sorry.

Okay.

We'll get the.

The problem is you hit the intro song button, and that thing does not stop.

Well, is is it still playing right now?

It's still playing.

So, I'm going to need the beat.

God damn it.

What are you going to need to?

For the next sentence that you wrote in my top of the show.

What did I write in there?

Sometimes I put stuff in there just to get loose.

Okay.

Stuff you might not want to.

You know, I put Ted Nugent on.

When I write this stuff, I put Ted Nugent on and I

go.

Yeah.

Ooh.

Okay, all right.

All right, let's go to

brass tax, brass tax.

Trump is so goddamn fat by the time they got him there, even the helicopter was short of breath.

That's right, we don't say f on this show anymore.

We don't say

we don't say s as an homage to Mr.

George fed Carlin.

Oh man, he's turning in his grave.

His classic bit, the seven words you can't shove up my

cock,

bitch, sh

and

cocka.

Yeah.

I know that bit is pretty good.

Yeah, anyways.

Now, we're having fun here laughing at the orange.

Nick.

Go ahead.

Now, we're having fun here laughing at the orange in chief.

It's important to remember that COVID is not a joke.

While Trump's probably one of the most uniquely unhealthy individuals on the planet, both physically and mentally, he's not dissimilar from a lot of Americans.

What we're saying here, folks, is that a lot of Americans, they got shitty bodies like Donald Trump.

We can laugh at a statue in Union Square of him and his tiny penis, you know, but the reality is

a lot of you, a lot of your loved ones, they got the same exact body type as Donald Trump, the the same kind of medical issues.

That's right.

So, when over 97% of Americans are obese,

and if you factor out Hispanic, non-white Hispanic,

we're still dealing with 70 to 72 percent.

Yeah,

and so I haven't looked it up.

So, when people say COVID, you know,

it's just a cold.

It's not just a cold because most of us are, we look like Donald Trump, you know, Correct.

So, and maybe I'm sorry, maybe that was clear already.

Yeah, yeah, I think that's what that's what the because I don't want to make it seem like

I don't want to make it seem like Americans are like Donald Trump, who's a bad guy.

Not as a guy, but as a fat piece of shit.

As a fat piece of shit, yes.

Most Americans are a fat piece of shit, but heart of gold.

Whereas Donald Trump, fat piece of shit, fall to the earth.

Worse than me for some reason.

Yes.

Even though in my personal life, I'm

you're having, you're allergic to something.

To your cat.

Oh,

this won't be after this week.

Folks, yeah,

this is probably the last episode that we will be recording in Nick's apartment.

Yeah.

Because big news yesterday.

We can pick up the keys tonight.

We signed the lease.

Lease is signed.

We have a completely empty studio in Chelsea.

Well, don't tell them too much.

I'm not going to tell him anything.

Stay excited, folks.

Perhaps a special release this weekend.

Correct.

At patreon.com/slash come down.

Soon to be some type of Adam Friedland show rebranding.

We got big plans for this next episode coming out on Patreon, and you guys are definitely going to want to sign up for that.

So, anyways, back to the top of the show.

While COVID is still very serious, the president's quick recovery proves that it doesn't have to be so long as you're quadruple vaccinated, and there's a plan in place to have you die by other other means next month.

The CIA.

The CIA.

If a 79-year-old could beat this thing with the right medicine, then most of us can.

Granted, Joe Biden is one tough, smart bastard.

It's easy to overlook his hard-scrabble-scranton upbringing, spending the entire winter slathered in oil, crawling to school on all fours, with nothing but a leather body

suit to keep him warm.

But when you see him now as an old man, you almost forget that this guy is tough as nails.

It would be foolish to think his undeniable resolve did not play a role in his quick recovery.

Which brings us to our topic for today's show, perseverance.

Perseverance.

That might be a new word to some of y'all, but I want you to pay attention because that might be the most important word in the English language.

Perseverance isn't talent.

It's not strength.

It's not intelligence.

The only way to measure it is with results.

You can weigh it.

You can't weigh it.

You can't take an IQ test.

So let's break it down.

P, persistence.

E, energy.

Let's go with each one of these, and you're going to say something about them.

So, folks, perseverance, because here's what I need to stress here.

Perseverance, you know, that's something anybody can access.

Whether you're, you could be the tallest guy on the team, you could be the fastest guy on the team, none of that matters for dick-ass shit.

If you don't have perseverance.

If you're not willing to persevere.

Correct.

You know, who made it out of the Holocaust?

Not the least annoying Jewish guy, but

the guy who persevered.

Yeah, okay.

Who made it out of the camps?

I don't know.

Yeah,

I can't imagine what they went through.

What it must have been.

Who was making it out of a basketball camp?

Oh, the basketball camps.

Yeah, okay.

Not the most annoying Jewish guy in basketball.

Okay.

Oh, okay.

All right.

All right.

Yeah.

Okay.

So, so perseverance is that's that's what that's what Joe Biden sort of embodies.

And uh, and it's something you can you can embrace in your personal life if you want to be like Joe Biden.

So, we're going to break it down for y'all real quick.

What is perseverance, Adam?

Well,

perseverance isn't just a word, P-E-R-S-E-V-E-R-R-A-N-C-E.

N-C-E.

Yeah.

But there's an easy way to remember what it stands for.

Let's start with P.

Persistence.

Persistence basically means the same thing as perseverance, but you might be familiar with

the same.

It's kind of the same.

Yeah.

E.

Energy.

You gotta have a lot of energy.

You gotta have a lot of energy.

When you're out there, you give 110% 110% energy.

That's right.

Or rebounds.

You better be getting those rebounds.

Right.

If he's missing,

you gotta box out.

You gotta get forwards.

In every game, there are six times more rebounds than there are buckets.

And so

you gotta be thinking about, I'm gonna be the guy that gets, that helps,

that perseveres and helps.

Because I'm a fucking loser.

Right.

And I'll never be able to actually score.

Score the battle.

You're never gonna get any pussy, pussy, but I can, when a girl gets beaten up by her boyfriend, I can be there

to grab the board.

And maybe after she leaves, I'll masturbate and I'll tell our friend, our mutual friends.

That we had sex.

That we had sex.

S.

Sweat.

Sweat.

If you're not sweating,

you're not sweating.

If you're not sweating, you're not persevering.

No perspiration, no perseveration.

Perseveration.

Perseveration.

And that's how you know.

If you're out on that court, you know, in the court of basketball, the court of life, family court, you should be sweating in family court.

Right.

Because you're not trying.

As your ex-wife is

got the hard drive, a copy of the hard drive.

The entire courtroom is seeing pictures of you smoking crack cocaine

with your daughter.

Correct.

You should be sweating.

And not out of fear, but knowing that no matter what, you're going to see your daughter again.

And you're going to hang out with her and her friends.

And

it's going to be just like it was in the old days.

Giving her friends massages.

Being the cool dad.

Being the cool dad.

The cool dad that has a TikTok account

and can teach these girls about their bodies.

He learned the name.

E, energy.

You've got to have energy.

If you're not showing energy, if you're not faking it until you're making it, you're not persevering.

Right, and we I know that energy was the last E but energy is so important that it deserves a second E E equals M C squared you know who said that Stephen Hawking that's true and you want to talk about perseverance

there's a guy who persevered yeah he spent his entire life mentally retarded yes and still was the smartest guy was still the smartest guy of all time and that's what we're talking about that's right put all these on a playlist sorry no it's cool this this still works R regret You shouldn't have any of them.

R stands for regret.

So it stands for regret, but it's not regret.

You should always remember to never regret.

Yeah.

It's the anti-R kind of.

A.

Aspiration.

You should always aspire.

Aspire.

You should always aspire to inspire.

When you're out there on the court,

you want all these and all these hoes to make sure to see what you're doing, and they're going to say, I'm going to hustle too.

That's right.

That's what puts the I I in teams.

That's right.

TM.

Time.

TIM

and

nuance.

Nuance.

Yeah.

That's a word that neither Nick nor I fully could articulate what it means, but I think we both know everything in life requires nuance.

Yeah, nuance.

Which is like a little challenge.

Something

yourself.

You've got to challenge yourself.

You've got to challenge yourself.

If you want to persevere.

And E, let's bring it back to energy.

Energy.

You've got to have energy energy out there we're facing an energy crisis that's right and that's that's you know people are saying what is happening with the fucking oil prices what are we gonna do when putin's price the putin price hike makes it so i know look i'm i'm struggling folks i'm trying to raise a family of three and i'm gonna

i'm going to walmart and i'm fucking dead broke i can't i can't get on uh an entitlement program because all of that you know none of that it's a long process takes forever i don't know how to do it i spend it's going to the welfare queens I'll spend my entire life

middle class.

I don't know how to figure it out.

Correct.

I don't know how to get fucking health insurance.

Now I can't feed my kids.

And who am I mad at?

Am I mad at Joe Biden?

No, I'm mad at Vladimir Putin and the Putin price hike.

Because I know the real reason that my kid has a vitamin D deficiency is because of Vladimir Putin.

Who was gay with President Donald Trump?

They were gay with each other.

They were gay.

And the energy that you need to have is Joe Biden.

I think they got it.

Joe Biden's got the right kind of of energy.

I think they get it.

Anyways, the point is: Joe Biden has perseverance.

Brittany Briner has perseverance.

That's right.

And she's currently being

sexually jailed.

She's being jailed by

Donald Putin himself.

That's correct.

And today on the Adam Friedland show, we're going to show you how to persevere.

What?

I just like the music, dude.

Oh, yeah.

The Adam Friedland monologue.

Uh-huh.

So, guys,

let's get to the news, right?

We pulled a couple headlines.

We don't have jokes written for them.

We're going to riff them out live.

Classics.

Oh, sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm looking at this just now.

I thought you wrote jokes for these.

You just wrote them.

No, I pulled the headlines.

I thought we were going to write the jokes when I got here, but you said you wanted to start recording.

No, I thought, yeah, I see.

I thought you had written your own jokes this time.

I didn't know that.

No, no, no.

I told you I pulled the headlines.

I texted you that.

I said we can either write them before or we could riff them out.

Okay, so there's.

I'm looking at these now.

There's no, not a single.

These are just.

No, I mean, we can, you know.

That's fine.

We'll do it live.

Okay, you want to get started?

Yes.

I guess so.

Let's see.

Do we have anything to read, by the way?

No, we don't.

Okay.

So, yeah, you want to pick one of these headlines here?

Sure.

You want to hold on one second.

You want to time out real quick?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Wednesday, July 27th at 6.34 p.m.

This is the Adam Friedman Show.

Good evening.

Tonight's guest,

Michael Jordan.

His airness, Michael Jordan.

Tonight's guest, Michael Jordan, Elton John, Lawrence of the Rabium, Tammy Faye Baker, the televisionist.

Gordon Ramsey.

Gore Vidal.

Gordon Vidal Ramsey.

Al Gore Vidal.

Al Gore.

Yeah, sure.

Al Gore Vidal.

Welcome, folks.

We're doing something that we used to never do on the old show.

Yes.

Which is.

Because we can.

Trying again.

Yeah,

we came in kind of slow on the last one.

Yes.

And Nick and I

made the decision that we are professionals

and that Tafts, as we call it.

Do we call it that or we just call it the Adam Friedland Show?

Maybe it's on social media, it's abbreviated as the Tafts.

The Adam Friedland Show is about trying.

Have you been pronouncing that?

And professionalism.

I've been saying Tafts.

I don't really.

I don't really think I have said Tafts until just now.

I kind of hate Tafts.

Okay.

I know it's my own fault for naming the show that.

Well, you were the one that made the abbreviation,

but

that's official policy from now on.

We do not call this Tafts.

No Tafts.

We're not calling it Tafts.

No Tafts.

Okay, so.

But we've committed to this.

We were halfway through this episode already, and it was deleted.

This show is about professionalism.

Professionalism.

And listen, sometimes you show up on game day.

Okay, it's about professionalism.

You got a little bit of a hangover from the night before.

It's about professionalism as in Leon the Professional.

Exactly.

And that this is a show about

it.

A guy with a sexualized child killing people.

Yes, exactly.

It is a lot like Leon the Professional.

From Luke Bret Bre uh

Breast Implants.

Breast On, Breast Off.

Yeah.

Natalie Portman famously did not have breasts yet in that film.

Yeah.

Not that I was looking.

It was just in the news.

She was on puberty blockers.

She was on puberty blockers.

She hadn't decided her gender yet.

She was on puberty blockers.

That's a big thing going on right now.

Puberty blockers.

Big debate in the world is whether or not children should have access to puberty blockers.

And

I wish, you know, who they should get puberty blockers to is bullies.

They should.

They should identify bullies and forcibly give them puberty blockers.

Yeah, because a lot of them hit puberty early and they're judging, you know,

all the lilies that haven't gotten there yet.

Yeah, I feel like if you're a bully, if you're a kid and you're a bully, guess what?

No pubes for you, asshole.

We're going to permanently stunt the growth of your penis for the rest of your life.

Yes, you're going to be like a pat from SNL.

You're going to exist somewhere within both genders.

Kind of like that guy we saw after Caroline's.

A trans person?

No,

me at 60.

Oh, the trans person.

You're a trans person.

I don't think it was a trans person.

I think it was just a Jewish man who hit a certain age where he just

evaporated into some sort of gray space between both genders.

We had a little purse with him.

He had the kind of purse.

But it was like the kind of purse that you give to a child in the 40s, like a toy purse.

It was a purse.

Yeah, it was a purse to play grown-up with.

Yeah, it was a purse where you can have one of those little lady guns, you know.

Yeah.

That a woman of the night would need to take out for protection.

Lady guns.

We should make guns illegal, but keep the lady guns.

Keep the lady guns.

The little darringers.

If you want to shoot up your school, you're going to look like a prostitute.

Yeah.

Let's see gang members try to look tough with a little pink

22.

Go ahead and make my day essay.

Then we don't have to worry about it.

I always said, you know, you really want to get rid of the gang problem.

Forget the guns.

Get rid of bandanas.

Why are those legal?

Right.

Exactly.

You got to take it.

You got to strike it at the root.

Think about how much more damage bandanas do.

That's right.

You know?

Yeah.

Exactly.

And if they didn't have bandanas,

then they couldn't

have

anonymous sex with bikers.

Also.

Yeah.

Right?

But instead of puberty blockers, it's puberty puberty baracker Obama's.

Right.

And you just become Barack Obama.

Yeah.

And you're like, let me be clear.

Your penis is like,

I'm growing.

I'm going to get hurt.

I'm going to

come in my pants at nighttime.

That's a fake thing, right?

I've never had a nocturnal emission.

Yeah.

I think it's a lie.

Yeah.

They made it sound real with the official name, nocturnal omission.

Have you ever blacked out?

What do you mean?

like drinking all the time oh i've never once blacked out i i've drank i've i've had i've consumed a lot of alcohol in my day and i've never actually had a full blackout no i would black out multiple times a week was were you also like on xanax or something no it's i would never black i used to get way drunk like incapacitated yes and i'd have pretty much full memory of everything and then I remember like I started blacking out and then it got progressively worse like where I was just blacking out all the time.

Really?

And I wouldn't have to get that drunk before I would wake up the next morning and have no recollection.

So you just got better at drinking.

Or worse.

Yeah,

you put the time in to get to the blackout.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe my drinking is as good.

That kind of bumps me out.

I wish I didn't think about that.

Really?

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

No, no, it's my fault.

It's weird that you can't black that out.

You have the memory.

You shouldn't have the memory of blacking out.

You know what I mean?

Exactly.

It's just whatever happened.

Yeah.

No one should tell you.

Yeah.

Yeah, there should be a conspiracy of silence.

I guess.

Yeah, something like that.

Anyway, guys, welcome to the show.

Big news if you're following the pre-production process.

Yesterday, Nick and I officially signed on our studio in Chelsea.

Yes.

And I

said the neighborhood, and you asked me last time not to say the neighborhood, but I.

No, it's all right.

I just don't want to, you know.

Although I think we said on Jim and Sam yesterday.

I I wanted to do this one there tonight, but

it takes forever for that air conditioning to cool that place down.

There's that problem, and then there's the other problem of the Russian super storing all the furniture from the businesses that closed down in that building.

And he's slowly selling them off on Craigslist, and our office is the storeroom for all that stuff.

I thought you said he cleared it all out.

No,

we never got confirmation that it's been cleared out.

We've got to go there after this and make sure sure that.

I have to go to my friend's birthday.

Okay, well, I'm going to go over there, and if it's not cleared out, it's smashing time.

You can smash.

Things are going to get broken.

Right.

We were told 24 hours.

Yeah, get that shit out of there.

Yeah.

We have to redefine the late-night talk genre, okay?

Do not waste our time.

Yeah.

We got a lot of shit on our plate.

But, no, we are very excited.

And if you guys go to patreon.com slash Cometown, this weekend, this episode right here.

Damn, I wish you didn't tell me that either.

Now I'm mad.

I thought that stuff was moved out.

No, that's why we couldn't go today.

We were like waiting for four hours for him for confirmation that the office was cleared.

Whatever.

If you go to patreon.com/slash come town, you sign up soon to be patreon.com/slash something related to the Adam Freelance Show.

This weekend's episode will be the first

of all of our episodes recorded in in that studio, and we have some some special stuff planned for it.

And this episode is officially the last one I think that will ever be recorded in Nick's apartment, where I am allergic to cats.

So that's good news.

Very exciting news.

Are you stoked about it, Nick?

Yeah.

Yeah, I am.

I'm now mad about this fucking guy not clearing the space out.

I am.

I've been sending you through.

They lied about the utilities.

Yeah.

They lied about cleaning the space out.

They lied about internet, too.

Yeah.

Well, we definitely won't be renewing that lease now.

Yeah.

Anyways, whatever.

This is not a negativity show.

I'm not going to be.

Right.

I'm going to be negative about it.

I just saw now, yeah, that you sent that text from this fucking cocksucker.

Yeah.

Fucking asshole with his loud shoes.

Fuck you.

Why is he wearing fucking like...

Yeah, his shoes were loud.

Yeah, he's wearing like jester shoes.

Yeah, what the fuck is his problem?

I hate our super already.

We haven't even moved in.

Yeah, like 1500s.

And did you catch catch how he was like talking shit on the management company already?

Yeah, he was.

He's like, don't lease in them.

You will leasing me.

Yeah, you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to tell the management company he said that and cause a problem.

Yep.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to take him up to the top of the mountain

of a mountain.

I'm going to go to the mountain.

Do a mock execution.

I'm going to tell the management company.

I'll be like, yeah, no, we met the super.

He seemed nice, but he was like, he really doesn't seem to like you guys at all.

Yeah.

He's going to lose his job.

Check mate.

We're going to lose his head.

I don't even know he's going to lose his job, but I mean, the two of them are.

He's not clearing out the fucking space.

No, he's running a fucking used IKEA furniture showroom out of our office that we have a lease on now.

They also lied about the utilities.

Right, they said electric was included.

That's now another sunk cost.

So please go to patreon.com/slash hometown because the overhead that we are accumulating is getting higher and higher.

And tomorrow when we meet with

the people that are building out the space for us, it will get even higher.

So, guys, we appreciate all of your support.

And it's been a great month.

There's been a lot of support fomenting, and we feel it.

We feel the love, and we're excited about the show.

Should we go to top of the show?

Top of the show.

Do we want to do it?

Because this is what we did last time.

We did the top of the show, and you didn't like it.

I thought the top of the show was fine.

I thought the pre-monologue stuff was fine.

Okay.

Yeah, and then we had that great music cue that I thought would really work.

But, you know, we don't have to.

And also, no, we could do it again.

How do you feel about it?

Listen, we're partners in this, baby.

Yeah.

We're fucking...

You're my husband.

Yeah, I mean, I guess it was my responsibility to get on this fucking...

This Russian dickhead that doesn't want to clear the space out.

No, it wasn't your responsibility.

I've been handling that today.

You pick up the slack with other things.

Yeah.

I mean, I haven't handled it because he hasn't done it.

This is our new relationship now, Nick.

Yeah.

We are colleagues, Titans of Industry.

Okay, yeah, then we'll do the

top of the show.

Top of the show.

Top of the show, folks.

If you're just joining the Adam Friedland show, the start of the show, trying to do a top of the show thing where it's not really the monologue, but

we find a theme, and we've yet to figure out how to make that theme

traverse the entire episode.

Yes.

But hopefully this time

maybe it won't, but who cares?

Probably not.

As long as it's funny.

I'll be completely honest with you folks.

We made a decision, a joint decision that

just decided to try this one again.

I feel like probably won't be much better, if not worse.

I feel like the energy is better.

I feel like the vibes are better.

Are they?

But the people can really.

Now I'm thinking about being a blackout drunk and how much I want to get drunk and then kill you.

I didn't mean to piss you off.

And also, I just got a text from my girlfriend that she has to come pick up my keys in 25 minutes, just so you're aware of it.

Why does she have to pick up your keys?

Because she does not have her keys.

Why doesn't she have her keys?

I don't know.

She forgot them at home.

Shut no.

Now you're pissing me off.

Listen.

Sorry.

Here's what the audience wants.

I'm just looking out for you.

The audience wants their friends, Nick and Adams, to be having a fun time.

What?

You want me to put a tailwire?

I can ask him to follow her around if you like.

She got upset last time.

I did that.

I got a guy.

He's an ex-cop.

Is he?

Yeah.

He was on the force.

Lombardo, yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Have you got him?

Lombardo Jeans.

Have you ever met him?

I have met him, but you never told me he was a dick.

Yeah, he's a former cop.

Now he's a dick.

Sergeant Jeans.

Yeah, Sergeant Jeans.

Yeah, he got kicked off the force because some crooked cops killed his boyfriend.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, so he was a straight shooter.

Well, he was gay, but yeah.

Yeah, he was gay.

As a cop.

But that's because he was undercover.

His boyfriend wasn't a cop or was a cop on the force.

His boyfriend was a milk delivery milkman.

They still have that.

If you're gay, yeah.

If you're gay.

They don't hire straight people anymore because they would fuck everyone's wife.

Yeah.

But you can still get gay milk brought to your house.

That's true.

Yeah.

It's crazy how those guys are just

living in a different society.

It's like

an alternative lifestyle.

Well, I would not be surprised if in the next five to ten years white gays recreate the 1950s within their own

the kind of gays that hate trans whites.

Yeah, you know how like Cuba, how they have all the old cars?

Yeah, because of the embargo.

Gays are going to do that.

Yeah, they're going to do kind of a fedora version.

It's going to be like certain neighborhoods where it's just the 1950s, and it's all gays bringing each other milk.

Yeah.

Undercome.

Yeah, an undercover cop.

An undercover cop.

So, anyway, so Lombardo.

Lombardo Jeans.

He was shoved off the force.

How many times have you employed him?

Six or seven times.

I'm going to have to hire him again to do a number on.

My girlfriend.

Well, I haven't consented.

Oh, no, not my girlfriend.

And number two on this super.

This super.

Yeah.

Yeah.

His famous move is holding folks down.

And

you know Little Nikki where he does the spit thing?

Oh, how could I forget?

Yeah, so he can do that with feces out of, you know, because he has that kind of rectal control.

Wow.

And he'll hold folks down and they'll just

have a turd go in and out of their mouth.

And he's like, tell me where the girl is.

Wow.

And they're like, make it stop.

Yeah.

I swear to God, I don't know.

Make it stop.

But that's the kind of hardcore guy Lorenzo Jeans is.

He's like, you don't know who you're fucking with.

Yeah.

This goes all the way to the top.

Wow.

All right.

Well, that's good to know.

If I need him to track my girlfriend, I will let you know.

I guarantee you there's a video on Pornhub of somebody doing that.

Some prairie dogging.

Yeah, a German guy that knows he can just prairie dog with like...

Yeah.

Just outrageous levels of skill and control.

Yeah, that has to be a very specific fetish.

He's doing it to Vivaldi.

Yeah, exactly.

It's just going to be a bad thing.

The four seasons.

That's so funny.

The guy is so happy.

He found his thing, and he's just living his truth.

Well, I sent you and Stephen and Alex that video of that guy shoving the glass jar up his ass.

And then it breaks.

And it breaks.

And that's a classic internet video.

Yes.

And I was, I just assumed that guy died.

You know, because if you have a big piece of glass go into your fucking rectum or your large internet.

I imagine there's like a, yeah, you could bleed out.

Yeah, bleed out, but you're getting shit in the wound.

Maybe an orter reaction.

Yeah, I don't understand how you don't like it.

I mean, there's a massive amount of blood coming out of it.

But he lived.

Not only did he lived, he did an interview about it.

Charlie Rose?

Yeah, he did.

Yeah.

Now, when you sat down on the glass, you've done this many times before.

Yes, I have.

He's also.

My guest tonight is also Charlie Rose.

Yeah, he is.

In

a weird tone of events.

Kind of like in there's a multiverse.

I've discovered a man,

not me, another man named Charlie Rose.

Correct.

Who is very similar to me, but instead of being a television host, he shoves mason jars into his asshole

for sexual pleasure.

Thanks for joining us, Charlie Rose.

Thank you so much for having me.

Yes.

A lot of people imagine that I did die.

Perhaps because of the anus.

Tell us a little bit about the history

of shoving a jaw up your ass.

Well, it's a long

story tradition.

Perhaps it started when you were a milkman, and you and your friends were milkmen.

That could be sort of a callback.

As we do this sketch, where you just choose the same character.

I don't understand why I did that and why I have to stick to it.

If I ran it again, you know,

we've done enough running back tonight.

This is kind of the dueling Charlie.

It's kind of a devil went down to Georgia.

What we're going to do is this is going to be a learning experience.

Okay, let's try this.

Because eventually, at some point, you're going to have to take over the sketches and characters.

So, fuck it.

This time, we'll say, yes, it's Charlie Rose interviewing.

Big question mark, and your answer is a nervous Charlie Rose.

I'm not particularly nervous, but perhaps

you're sort of taking a read on my performance.

A moment of panic.

No, it's a matter of time.

And then responding to, who is Charlie Rose interviewing with the

same interview?

It's also Charlie Rose.

Yeah, but just a worse impression of the television interview journalist, Charlie Rose.

But so we'll say, just for the sake of getting through,

because we already deleted one episode and we got a delete.

I mean, it's still there.

We could still, you know, maybe cut around.

I deleted it.

Oh, it's gone.

Okay.

You're kind of a little...

Kind of in a little hissy fit situation.

In a hissy fit?

No, you're like, well, fine.

I'll be honest with with you, I didn't delete it.

I just wanted the pressure to be on you to make sure you.

No, no,

I'm feeling good right now.

My background is in basketball and sexually assaulting women.

So I'm what you call a clutch.

Yes.

Clutch player.

The last two minutes of the fourth quarter, you become a different animal.

Last two minutes of the French quarter, perhaps.

Oh,

well, that's why it's called that.

That's the name of my novel, The Last Two Minutes of the French Quarter.

A lot of people don't know.

I wrote a book.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well.

It's about the milkmen of New Orleans.

To answer your question.

To answer your question about.

That's where it was invented, by the way.

I don't know if you knew that.

New Orleans was the first place that gay men started bringing milk to each other.

Yes.

Well,

there's two aspects of this.

There's a negative stereotype that milkmen have had to

overcome, which is that

they fuck people's wives, right?

Sure.

Sure.

So, like, there's that joke that, you know, that the baby looks like the milkman, right?

When in reality, we're all homosexuals, you know.

Now.

No, we have been for ages.

And maybe our front, before there was an acceptance of homosexual lifestyle, was that we fucked women.

Yeah, yeah.

But in reality, we are homosexual men that wear kind of a white uniform and then kind of a, was it like a Navy style hat?

Yeah.

Or maybe like a like an Air Force.

Well, it was a Klan outfit.

Originally, it was gay racists.

Yeah.

It was.

Exactly.

Originally, we were the gay KKK.

The gay, gay guy.

It was spelled M-I-L-K-K-K.

Back in the day.

Yeah, I'm familiar with that.

So, in reality, we are not womanizing distributors of milk.

Right.

The second thing that people don't understand about

milk delivery, man.

I hope you don't mind if I respond to this text message on my phone.

I'm trying to get pussy later.

Oh, okay.

You can go ahead.

Oh, continue your story.

I'm just.

No, but I want you to hear this.

I am hearing it.

I am.

Okay.

But while we're doing

the Charlie Rose show, I'm also

just to make sure that

the distinction needs to be made clear to the studio audience that you are gay Charlie Rose.

Oh, so you're trying to perform your virility and masculinity

to make me seem like more of a faggot.

That's the number one thing.

In reality, I've been introduced to the audience as a man who puts a jaw up my ass.

So if there's any question that I am the gay Charlie Rose, I think that's been answered.

I have to ask you this before we go to break.

Do you call it wearing a jaw in your ass?

In In fact, we do.

Is it considered

a garment or type of clothes?

Would you consider it to be clothes?

Yes.

And I have been wearing joshua.

Josery, maybe.

Yes.

Is it considered in the gay community, is it considered a type of underwear?

Correct.

That is.

You know,

our asses become so slack

from the the act of

homosexual sodomy.

The more you say it, the more it makes sense to me because I remember being a boy and in those early North Carolina

summer mornings, there was nothing I loved more than a fresh hot glass of milk straight from the milkman himself.

Yes, well, I have news for you.

I never understood why it was so hot.

I thought it was because it was hot outside.

But it was because the milk itself had been shoved up his ass.

That is correct.

And the milk where it comes from, it does not actually come from a cow.

Oh, it's from the man's penis?

It's from a prostate being pressed.

Much like in the movie Euro Trip, if you remember.

What you're saying to me is that the milk is actually ejaculate from a gay man's penis.

That is correct, yeah.

And the process, and it's called pressing the man's prostate.

It is referred to as milking.

Well, that is both charming and hilarious.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm trying to explore my characters.

Yeah.

Yeah, thank you.

Maybe you want to try a different character?

Maybe this can be give up.

Look, I'm Charlie Rose, and they brought me into the Adam Friedland show to teach you how to host a show.

I appreciate that.

And I'm here now.

So I'm back to Adam.

Now, Adam?

You're telling me to give up.

And look, on my show.

I mean, you were really encouraging throughout that, you know, and

I thought I got a couple ones out.

I don't know if I did in your eyes.

At any moment, you can go right back to Milkman Charlie Ross.

No, you told me that I should try another one.

I said, maybe you would like to.

Oh, okay.

You got to stay loose.

You got to stay as loose as you can get.

Maybe Jeff Goldblum.

No, you do not.

Maybe it's Jeff Goldblum, and he's

in it's Independence Day 3,

and this time it's an Independent Black Woman's

Day.

Independent Woman's Day.

Independent Black Woman's Day.

Woman's.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's got a T and an S at the end.

Yeah.

Well, maybe

you could do something along that line.

I mean, I feel like that's what I'm doing.

Why don't you do it?

Let's see.

Goldbloom?

No, anything you want.

Just

go.

Just host the show.

I thought we were doing that Milkman thing.

Okay, we'll go back back to the show.

I mean, no, but it's kind of the vibe's off now.

Why is the vibe off?

Because you told me that maybe I could try a new character.

I was trying to encourage you.

Made me feel like I was doing a bad job.

I was not.

I thought we were doing a fine job, and you don't want to delete the episode and now.

No, no, maybe.

Maybe, because

now I have to retire and be in Charlie Rose.

Now I have to imagine myself on a porch somewhere.

Remember all that stuff I said about the porch

the monkeys that were

in Japan.

Okay.

Oh, you want to get to the news?

Well, no, not honestly, not

it's not worth it.

No.

Unless you want to?

No.

You want to redo this again?

We dropped the top of the show.

I think this one's going fine.

Okay, then.

Well, let's get started.

Do you not think it's going fine or do you think it's going fine?

It's going to be fine.

No, as Nick, as Nick, because I feel like you're doing the character right now, I can't tell.

He is mad about the landlord.

Are you

in the other room and he's upset about the landlord?

So your identity has devolved or

dissolved.

I'm just Charlie Rose now.

You're just Charlie Rose now.

From here on out, for the rest of the night, I'm Charlie Rose.

And it's because you're mad?

I'm mad, and after this, I'm going to try to watch all the Marvel movies and forget about being lied to.

And I can't wait.

I literally cannot wait.

to casually slip into conversation with the management company that the super

called him incompetent.

But that's snitching, though.

I don't care.

I'm a snitch now.

You're a snitch?

Now I'm going to start snitching.

I'm always looking, everybody, they say buy high, sell low, and that's bullshit.

You buy when other people are selling, and you sell when other people are buying.

That's how you get ahead of the market.

That is beating the market.

People saying you lost all your money.

Well, what is the market trying to do?

Look at all that.

It's trying to make money.

So I'm trying to lose money.

And what does that get you?

Nothing.

But at least I don't feel like a goddamn fucking pushover queer.

Right.

I see what you're saying.

I frankly say it's pussy.

I don't see what I'm saying.

You may see what I'm saying, but I don't.

I'm just trying to encourage you.

No matter what, Donica, no one's allowed to do anything to me ever.

Don't touch me, don't look at me.

I don't want to be encouraged.

Oh, my God.

I'm worried about my friend Nick.

He's disappeared.

I'm fine.

You know what this is like?

It's like we see these.

And one of the outlet plates is broken.

I don't know if you're not sure.

I saw that.

That bothered you yesterday.

We put the walkthrough, yeah.

Because I thought they were going to fix that.

Now I'm going to paint the up.

They didn't paint it.

I'm going to go in there.

I'm going to go to Home Depot.

I'm going to fix that outlet plate.

And I'm going to build them as an improvement to the fucking unit.

Exactly.

You're going to take five bucks off.

Rent this.

I'm taking more than five goddamn bucks off.

I'm going to charge him for every I'm going to keep put a pedometer on.

every screw.

I'm going to put a fucking pedometer on and charge him by the foot.

By the step?

By the step.

I said, oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I forgot to tell you.

My steps cost $25.

$25.

I got a smooth gate.

Well,

you know, we live in New York City and we see people who clearly one day something broke.

And what I'm worried about is that

the stress we're under in pre-production, getting the show up over the ground, having a retake after we did 25 minutes.

Sure.

I'm worried that it may have broken you, and you just may be Charlie Rose now forever.

Possibly, but I tell you, doing a garbage podcast, producing a really shitty episode as Charlie Rose, makes me feel a lot goddamn better than doing it as myself.

I guess that is one way to protect yourself.

It is.

I understand that.

And now, my doctor might refer to that as

a personality disorder.

Yeah, or kind of maybe a manic break.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I think she's just.

A bitch.

Well, I wasn't going to say that, but.

But you were thinking it.

Maybe somebody familiar to you, if you know what I'm saying.

Oh, that kind of a doctor.

Yeah, that kind of a doctor.

Kind of a.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right, I see that.

As your girlfriend coming up, not yet.

Not yet.

Will she be wearing a shirt?

I goddamn hope so.

Oh.

Are you going to come down in a kimono with your penis out?

Yeah.

I love that.

He's wearing a kimono.

Oh, you're back.

Oh, I got you.

Yeah.

Oh, I missed you, man.

Have you ever seen the film The Last Samurai?

I just recently watched The Last Samurai.

Oh, did I forget my underpants?

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It seems I've unsheathed my katana

in the direction of

a geisha.

You've got like a tiny ponytail on the top of your head.

Yeah.

Well, let's talk about what we wanted this episode to be about.

Yeah, we wanted it to be about perseverance, but I'll tell you what, since we didn't do the top of the show, we're just going to

staple these two together.

You think?

Yeah, fuck it.

Why?

Why not?

I don't know.

We're taking it seriously now.

We're professionals.

Do you think this is much different than...

I I think this is not particularly

on fire, but I will say it's definitely better than

the first take.

Okay, all right.

I don't know.

Do you agree or disagree?

I have no opinion at this point.

I'm like,

literally, I'm blinded by rage that this guy responded, well, your lease doesn't start till Monday.

Yeah,

it's fucked up.

Yeah.

No, we were told we were going to get keys and access, and it would be cleared out.

Yeah.

Should we say his name?

No, it's all right.

No, we're not.

I don't know his last name anyway.

Yeah.

If this is going to be a thing where they, like, you know.

I have a feeling that our building will be incredibly negligent as landlords, but hopefully that means we can do some fucked up shit and not get in trouble for it.

You know, like play Russian roulette.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know.

That would be cool.

I mean, I do want to bring a gun into that space.

Book a live episode where we take 150 tours from Times Square that we've barked

to be a studio audience.

So you don't want to leave that top of the.

We're just abandoning abandoning.

No, no, we can leave it.

Yeah, I think the top of the show.

What do you want me to cut?

Just all the monologue?

Listen, I'm not the fucking boss here, dude.

We're a team.

It's your show.

It's my show.

I'm just a consultant brought in.

No, but you had the vision, baby.

I'm a guy.

I'm just a fucking guy.

You had the vision for this.

Okay.

I mean, listen.

I do think Top of the Show is good.

Yeah.

I do think that that could be salvaged and that could be added to this.

I do think that could work.

Okay.

Alright.

And if you want to paste it together, that's fine.

Cutting and pasting.

That's going to be my evening cutting and pasting.

Yeah.

Cutting and pasting while watching the Marvel movies.

I really do have to get rid of my anger problems.

Yeah, you.

Because none of this really doesn't matter.

You get that shit out of there.

No, no, no.

I mean, this fucking...

No, the guy not clearing the office is annoying, but it's not difficult to do.

Yeah, if it's not out, but I do the thing in my head where I'm like, I'm already imagining it not being out by Monday and then me destroying everything.

Literally smashing those fucking filing cabinets to pieces and putting them in the fucking garbage.

Saying, yeah, no, it's alright, I told you.

We asked you to have it cleared out.

Yeah.

I mean, how do you deal with that?

I don't know.

You smash the fucking, you destroy everything in there.

I don't know.

You take a fucking baseball bat and you destroy everything in there.

I don't know.

They lied about the electricity.

They did.

I mean, that will be a matter of another $400 per month.

Yeah.

Tops.

I know.

And that's if we're blasting AC all day.

Yeah.

Like, what is your home electric bill?

Yeah.

It's not like that.

They make some weird distinction with the internet.

They're like, oh, yeah, it has the regular internet in the building.

But if you want fiber updates.

Yeah, if you're like if you're fiber optic.

He doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.

He doesn't know what the internet is.

If you want Levi jeans, if you want iPad mini.

Well, I'll tell you what, I do hope that man gets some sort of malignancy.

You know, maybe, hopefully.

You're wishing cancer upon those guys.

That was slow to

me.

He's had 24 hours to clear the space out.

I'm saying.

You know me.

You do have a real like.

I'm a Christian man myself.

You do have like sometimes a real like

brain from pinky in the brain perspective on society.

What does that mean?

Well, like.

That I'm trying to take over the world?

Well, it's just like you're frustrated with these peons.

Yeah, I don't want to describe him as a peon.

We pay rent to the guy.

We don't pay it to him.

He's an employee.

But he's part of his system.

He's part of a fucked up system.

If I was going to storm the castle and

I had my Claymore to

the throat of the court chester, you wouldn't say, hey, he's just some retard that works here.

Right.

I'd say, doing what?

Entertaining the king,

who has brought scourge upon my family?

Exactly.

Right.

Say, no.

No.

Nay.

I don't know.

You'd say nay.

We'll get our own retard.

We'll get our retard from outside.

I think that they're like, I think here's how I see this playing out.

You rat him out to the management company,

he loses his job, and then through some sort of like

pissed-off thing, you're like, no,

you somehow, like, get the job of

the super of the building.

You don't have enough time for the show.

Yeah, you're barely being paid for it anyway.

Yeah.

I have to run down real quick.

You have to run down.

Alright.

I'm good.

Okay.

I'm good, too.

Yeah, I kind of want to take this one again.

You want to take it again?

Just restart the whole thing, and I'll leave out that stuff about

the super?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why?

I don't know, because I feel like a tattletale, I guess.

You haven't tattled to his bosses.

Not yet, but I will.

Well, you are, but you don't want the public to find out that you're a tattletale.

Exactly.

Is that what you're thinking?

So, if anything, you're not trying to protect anyone.

You're going to butt yourself.

Oh, right, yeah.

Okay.

Well, in a way, I'm self-tattling.

So by saying that I'm going to tattle to the public, I'm tattling on myself to them.

So if we re-record it.

You tattled on your own ass.

But let me put it this way.

If I re-record it and I leave that out, I've eliminated one unit of tattling.

So yes, I'm still tattling on the superintendent, but I'm also no longer tattling on myself.

So I'm less of a tattletale.

You called him a superintendent.

He is a superintendent.

Oh, I guess that's what super is short for.

Yeah.

I thought that meant he's like in charge of the schools.

No, it's the same word.

It's the same word, but it's a totally different thing.

Commandant, superintendent.

Grand Pooh Bah.

What is that, a Muslim thing?

I think it's like a

sultan kind of thing.

I don't know.

Wasn't there a grand pubah of Palestine?

The Grand Mufti of Palestine who met with the Nazis.

Yeah, that guy was probably the most goaded in the sauce.

Now you're using those type of terms.

That was probably the most goaded in the sauce.

That's what you know.

I'll say the anti-Semitism, I don't like it, but the fact that I've corrupted your brain enough to talk that way does make me feel good.

How do you feel about that?

What is that?

The state of Wisconsin?

No, it's a holster.

Oh, for a gun.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

But don't.

Okay.

I told Mike Racine my new look is I'm you know, I got those like beige bird dog pants.

Yeah, I'm gonna just start going like tactical gear.

Like I got the knife,

but the like low gun holster by the knee.

That's badass.

Yeah, and Mike was like, yeah, like you're just going to a Dave Smith show.

I'm like, yes, precisely.

Funny guy.

Yeah, anyways, folks, so

if you're just joining us, we cut the monologue segment.

Do you want to leave the top of the show in?

Yes or no?

I think we can cut around the top of the show.

Do you want to leave that in?

If there's a moment where we kind of lose energy that drops off, we could probably cut that out.

Okay, well then, tell you what.

We're going to sit here.

It's your show.

It's your show.

It's not my show.

You're the fucking producer, dude.

If anything, I'm but a vessel.

And a vessel for what?

For

your love.

Yeah.

So, like

a jar of milk, basically.

That kind of vessel.

Kind of like a jar of milk.

Yeah.

Oh, now you're Charlie.

I'm sorry.

I'm the gay Charlie.

No, that's fine.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I.

My brain just went to, you did the Charlie Rose, and I just started, you know, and it wasn't the right instinct.

It was kind of embarrassing.

The comedic instinct is to hear something and then

mimic it, do it worse.

Like, yes, and.

Oh, see, that's a positive reading of it.

What I would say is, I see something and then I

try to recreate it and do a word.

You see something.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm kind of like

the kid that.

How about a guy, he's on the train, he sees the sign that's like see something, say something.

Yeah.

And then he's like, he's like, and he kind of turns his head and he's like,

fat Chinese lady.

Mexican woman.

Beats pill, black kid, rapping, loud rapping kid.

Smelly black eye.

What the hell you call me?

Yeah.

No, I had to say something.

The Design.

The sign, yeah.

How about that?

That's funny.

Yeah, that's funny.

You see something, say something.

Police are forced to escort Drag Queen to safety after protesters storm story hour event at library for 3 to 11-year-olds.

This is one of the headlines you had in the monologue.

Yeah, I thought we could riff on that.

Yeah.

So that's pretty, I guess, yeah.

Maybe we'll riff on it.

Rather than seeing them as monologue jokes, why don't we riff on it?

So, what's your take on this?

Here's my personal thinking.

I don't buy in the whole trans people or grooming children.

No, it's ridiculous.

But

if I was a trans person and I was trying to get a job at a school, let's say, and someone was like, why are you a pedophile?

I'd be like, absolutely not.

And I would tear up my resume and not apply to that job.

Any indication, like,

if somebody was like,

why are you

eating Tate's cookies?

Are you a pedophile?

I'd be like, well, I guess I can't eat Tate's cookies anymore.

Right.

It's bad for the team.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, exactly.

That's why I tip 30 to 80% every time I'm at a restaurant.

Yeah.

Because he's a pedophile Jewish guy.

Because of the pedophile Jewish guy.

You're trying to offset.

Epstein changed everything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You think he was a good tipper?

I think probably, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, everyone wanted to hang with him, you know.

Because he really had to offset it.

He really had to offset all the bad stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He was kind of a good dresser, too.

Yeah.

I'm not afraid to say it.

I liked his swag.

My guess, and I'm surprised he was never on Charlie Rose.

That is unfortunate.

You would think that there is somewhere in there a Jeffrey Epstein would have been on Charlie Rose.

In a different world.

Yeah.

Harvard graduate.

Harvard man.

Philanthropist.

Securities, trader, turn philanthropist, Jeffrey Epstein.

Gentleman of the Ivy Elite, you go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Author of the book Egg-Shaped Penis, Egg-Shaped Mind, ladies and gentlemen, Jeffrey Epstein.

Yes, thank you for that.

Thank you for having me.

No, he didn't talk that.

Yes, he did.

Thank you for having me.

Oh, boy.

Thank you.

Did he talk baby?

I mean, baby.

I mean, baby, too.

I'm learning.

I speak baby.

Yeah.

That's how he ingratiated himself.

Yeah.

I like that egg-shaped penis, egg-shaped mind.

Well, that's how books are named.

So, so,

yeah.

Yeah, it's always like uh that kind of thing.

Now you have sex slaves.

Yes, that's uh that is correct.

Oh no y yes, of course, that is correct.

You can I I feel you should interpret Jeffrey Epstein.

We're trying to get you want me to do an anti-Semitic stereotype.

We're kind of lucky that the the studio is fucked up with a bunch of stuff I need to destroy now.

Yeah,'cause you're going to be pissed after this.

No, I'm not going to be pissed after this, but we need probably a little bit more time in the audio sphere to inject more of that Adam Friedland flavor into the show.

Right.

And what flavor is that?

Something a little bit.

Like matzah.

Imagine we're doing this right now,

but we're on stage,

and your instinct to sort of

be the center of attention

is maintained here while we're sitting in these these chairs.

Yeah, but the thing that's different about our show is that it's as if Artie was on stage with Larry Sanders.

You see what I'm saying?

That the producer is

a fundamental element of the product.

That's fine, but don't let me.

But it's not it's not a it's not some ego grooming

you know

what's going on on what's is your girlfriend still harassing you on the show?

No, she's not.

No.

No, I got an email.

What was the email?

Uh you want me to read it to you?

Well, I'm just curious.

It was a Chase credit card offer.

Oh, a Chase credit card offer.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Uh police are forced to escort drag queen to safety.

Mm-hmm.

You have to protesters storm story hour event.

Well, now what the fuck is story hour?

I don't know.

I think it's when it's kids go to a library and three years old.

For whatever reason, they just have a drag queen reading Clifford the Big Red Dog.

I think my perspective on it is that it's good

for children to be exposed to that.

Why?

And if anything, when I have a son.

Wouldn't they just be exposed to it circumstantially?

Why does it need to be in the context of reading a

storybook?

Why can't it just be someone in line at McDonald's in front of them?

Because that's not what a drag queen is.

A drag queen is a performer.

A drag queen isn't a trans person.

Well, what do they do?

They do lip-syncing of like Madonna or Janet Jackson.

But

let me also make a separate argument.

Yeah.

Is that drag is dog shit.

It's really bad.

It's fucking bad.

Have you been to a show?

Yes.

It stinks.

I saw an ex-girlfriend in Portland once.

We went to a drag show.

The only thing drag has going for it is that it's subversive.

Right.

If you turn it into a a thing they do at the library for infants, it kind of loses the sauce.

It is dog shit.

It's like going to see a fucking mom.

Right.

It's actually worse than a mom.

It needs to be dangerous still.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Imagine if Paris is burning.

None of those people were.

It wasn't Harlem.

None of these people were poor.

Exactly.

It was some fucking loser with a.

It was Randy Rainbow.

Yeah, who didn't finish an education degree right

and now they're trying to read fucking Caillou to

to mentally disabled you know preschool I think they were just kids but yeah

yeah okay I see your take but in my opinion I think it's important to expose kids to all different types of things I would love it if Charlie Rose went off like that

Charlie Rose

Drag should be dangerous it should be subversive it should be a product of an underground homosexuality.

Would you not agree that drag shows are fucking gay and

not in the cool way?

No, they're very boring.

And as I when I went with my We're getting to the point now where, let me tell you this, where Dairy Queen is more subversive than Drag Queen.

That sounded like a good line.

I don't know.

It sounded like a good line.

Yeah, I don't know if it'd be good.

Well, because ice cream is bad for you.

There's a war on fatness.

There's a war on fatness.

Michelle Obama.

Exactly.

A bunch of soft-serve ice cream.

That's.

You know who's soft-serve?

Is the gays at the fucking drag queen show.

They're serving soft.

Oh, they serve.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they do it softly.

Well, with a soft.

Because, yeah, the pussies aren't hard like they used to be.

Yeah, exactly.

They got soft cunts now because they're too busy trying to do fucking Elmo.

Exactly.

You're not Elmo, motherfucker.

You're Charles Barkley.

That's a good point, Charlie.

I see what you're saying.

For me, I think that it is.

What's with these guys wanting to do baby shit?

Right.

Yeah,

it is.

You're supposed to be fucked up on ketamine in a nightclub, not watching Bonnie.

It's supposed to be 5.45 a.m.

And you and all the fellas are on fire island.

You've been doing methamphetamines all night.

No kids around.

Some of the most important gay sex in history

only happened after bedtime.

It's true.

It's true.

Yeah, the gay lifestyle should exist after 8 p.m.

Nobody got AIDS at noon.

Nobody in Greenwich Village in the...

Nobody's getting AIDS during snack time

at PS 111.

Right.

Yeah.

It was happening at a nightclub.

So I see what you're saying.

You're saying that, like,

when you remove the subversive elements of

these trans people are grooming kids, it's that kids are grooming trans people.

Oh, okay.

The kids are infantile,

the trans people.

They're making them learn how to read.

They're turning them into fucking babies.

They're babies now.

They're babies.

The goddamn babies.

I don't want my fucking

trans people are supposed to be scary.

Yeah.

Supposed to be like dangerous animals.

I spent my entire life working with stingrays.

Yeah, it's true.

And I would see a trans people and I'd respect them because I knew they were dangerous, like stingrays.

Dangerous animals.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

You'd wrestle them.

You're the crocodile guy.

Yeah, you'd wrestle them to the ground.

You'd wrestle them, yeah.

But fucking.

Go fight, fight them.

Now they're just.

Bare knuckle fighting.

Right, now they're just fucking doing Gola Gola Island.

What the fuck is this?

I think you've convinced me.

For me, what I was trying to say is that when I have a kid, I want to expose them to different

types of people, and that I will learn the time-honored art form of drag as a father.

Just to, you know, expand their horizons.

And I don't want to do it.

You know, I don't want to learn how to lip-sync to

Madonna's holiday.

Well, I want to take my kid to the library and have them be read books by like the homeless guy.

Yeah, like a big fat Puerto Rican guy that uses the N-word.

Yeah, that is, well, they should also hang out with those kind of people.

Yeah, yeah,

right.

I mean, I guess I'm thinking, like, what is the point?

Is this show to ingratiate children to drag queens?

Yeah, vice versa.

It's, yeah, I think it's

it's I mean, if we're being honest, it's performative whatever.

you know it's that like this is good right and then it's kind of

probably baiting the J.K.

Rowlings of the world right so it's in like response to this inane public debate that's occurring right so it's like

I think she should write a new whole new series of books yeah you know what this time do do Harry Potter again but he's uh just just blatantly transphobic

just do it like if she wrote a whole fucking new series, it's even better than Harry Potter.

And it's none of that wizard bullshit.

No way for people to misinterpret it as being like, oh, a wizard.

No, Harry's actually a guy.

He's like an East London tough guy.

Kind of a guy-richy.

Right.

Or if he was a bank robber.

Bank robber.

Or if he's a fixer.

And he hates.

It's Aarry and he's Fitzer, and he ace of trans people.

He hates him.

I'm guy, and I ate trans.

There's nothing more that he hates than the trans,

the Basque.

Oh, the Basque.

These Basque bastards

move in and open a Tesco.

They open a Tesco up, so he goes in, he does a hate crime.

He doesn't hate crime.

He does an eight crime on him.

And he's, you know, he's locked up with a couple of council boys, and I say, what are you in for?

And he says, I bash him, skull's in good.

Yeah, yeah.

And there's a whole undertone of knife crime.

You see, it's an undertone of a class.

Because even though the Basque are, you know, they're Muzzies, but they're white.

Yeah.

I think.

I call them baskards.

Yeah.

But the difference is.

I don't think they're Muslim.

Whatever.

Who gives a fuck?

The rich, even though, even though they're.

What's a funny word for immigrants?

Imos.

Even though the MOs.

Yeah.

Got too many goddamn emos.

So many emos.

Yeah.

Oh, you better get out of here.

No, no, I'm just checking.

Is this 120 on this run or on both?

No, yeah, that's the total.

We got to hit that total.

Okay.

An hour will be 135 on that clock.

Okay, I mean, I think we can keep going.

And I think we could also stitch.

Stitch?

Yeah, like you said before.

Lilo and Stitch.

Yeah, like

that Boston.

Yeah.

That bleeding Boston.

Why did that movie?

You hate it.

Oh, I hated it.

Why?

That blue motherfucker?

Oh, no, he's blue.

Yeah.

He's from out of space.

I don't want him around my daughter.

And he's in the Samoa.

Yeah.

So

that's the kind of messed up, you know, liberal thinking that they're trying to.

They're going to tell you that if aliens

came to the world.

World.

Yeah.

That where they would choose to go is to some fucking volcano hut

to to meet with a couple of emos in the hut?

Well, they're not emosing.

Instead of meeting with the queen of the queen, yeah, yeah, yeah.

As if aliens,

aliens wouldn't take a look at the world and see weapons and civilization.

Civilization.

Civilization.

And they would fucking say, I want to meet the Eiffel Tower.

Right.

I want to meet the Queen.

Yeah.

Which one of these

people or these species has got the most jewels on?

Yeah, yeah.

He's going here to meet people with coconuts on their breasts.

A bunch of tiki torches and a

covered in mosquito bites, getting fat off coconut oil.

Yeah.

That's who the aliens want to meet.

No, I don't think that, yeah.

That doesn't make any sense.

Oh, what?

The aliens are going to learn how to surf?

No.

No, I don't think so.

They're going to go to England and learn

how to wear a top hat.

What forks to use?

They're going to learn the forks.

They're going to learn forks.

Yeah.

And

it's just like the trans people read it in Clifford.

I think it's the same thing.

I think we can agree.

That's the key to show business.

If you're not going to be funny

and you're going to put zero, you're going to have two bummers.

I think this is not funny.

I think it's fine.

You can always do a silly accent.

Yeah, yeah.

People love silly accents.

They love characters.

And in the old days

on Comptown,

maybe it would have been a little more.

Why a little stage?

Yeah, yeah.

Why here?

Why should I?

Because we take shots at the Chinese.

But this one, we're going after the real targets, the British, Charlie Rose, trans people.

People with power.

Yeah, we're punching up.

We're punching up.

And just to make it clear, all the trans people we've made fun of today, over six feet tall.

And writers of all of the stuff you're hearing right now.

Yeah?

Yeah.

The entire writer's room is a bunch of 12-year-old transes.

Yeah, transes.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's what they is.

The plural is, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, there is transes.

Transes.

Transes.

Transes Ansari.

What if?

Ah.

Hey, my name is Trandy.

Trandy.

It's Trandy.

Well, if he was Transes Ansari and the character's name is Trandy.

And that's the kind of stuff I really think about, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he was like,

I don't know,

what if instead of Russell Brand, it was Russell Trans?

What if that, yeah, yeah, what if it was Ruffle Bran and there's no D on it, and he gets a lot of fibre, fibre, and so he's always got diarrhea while he's doing the show.

And he said, that's my guest today is Nick Bryan.

That's a brilliant point you've just made.

You'll have to excuse me because I've got diarrhea again.

Yeah.

Because I've had too many bran muffins.

Welcome to the Russell Brand show.

Russell Bran.

Yeah.

Russell.

And

he's always got to run off to the loo.

Yeah, yeah.

That's might be something we could do on the show once we've got the studio.

We've got Nick Bryant coming in.

We'll tell him he's doing the Russell Brown show.

Yeah.

You get him fired up about a topic.

What does he write about child sex rings?

He basically.

Do I have to read the book?

I'm going to read the book.

I thought you already read it.

I read the Bill de Camp book.

He has another one?

Nick Bond wrote a different book about the same scandal.

With more info or something?

It's different.

I don't know.

I talked to his agent.

And

yeah, I guess he's doing a whole media tour.

He's doing Chapo and

Trunon.

We got to figure out how to make the Adam Friedland show smarter than Chapo.

I think it already is.

Felix Hexbay.

Oh, he said it is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's pissed.

Is he?

I heard Matt killed himself.

Yeah, Matt.

No, he didn't kill himself, but he attempted.

Yeah.

He's like,

T-A-A-F-S got too smart.

And the ceiling joist snapped.

Shut up.

That's our friend.

That's our friend.

Yeah.

How do you think if Matt Christman killed himself, how do you think he would do it?

From a rant.

I would imagine.

He'd die ranting.

I would imagine a cheese overdose.

Does he like chill because he's from Wisconsin?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just like the classic cheese overdose.

The cheese dispenser at Fud Rockers.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I wonder.

I think he's Hollywood now.

I think he's like.

He's doing transcendental meditation.

He's going to the celebrity center, the Scientology Celebrity Center.

He's really changed everything.

I haven't talked to him in a while.

I text with him sometimes.

I'm always like, How's my friend?

To be honest with you, a lot of those guys, they stopped talking to me because I would only speak to them in a British accent.

Yeah, that's annoying.

Well, I was kind of insecure that they would think I was stupid, so I'd.

So you were like, my dad does that.

I spent years trying to convince him that I was a British guy, but

you know, I mean, I had known them for maybe a year and a half before I started doing it.

So they were like, what are you doing, Nick?

Like, are you okay?

I was like, yeah, no.

It's you that doesn't remember.

Right, you didn't even choose the smart version of the British accent.

You were doing like Cockney scum.

Yeah.

I think.

So that was probably a bad decision.

Probably.

What's the smart one?

Is this the

smart one?

Oh, yes, of course.

It's the smart version.

Yes.

It's the smart version.

What if from now on I'm just a little British

just bitchy queer?

Like a little Lord Faulteneroy.

Have you read that?

No, but have you seen the pictures?

Pictures of what?

My dad, as an insult, used to call me that.

And I don't know if he made it up or not.

And I recently Google imaged what he was calling me.

Does it mean a book?

Little

Font Leroy.

Font Leroy.

Fuck Leroy.

Look at this.

That's what my dad was calling me.

Oh, that is funny.

That is pretty funny.

It's a crucial burn.

That's what Donald Trump looked like as a boy.

Yeah, of course.

He dressed like this.

If you're wondering at home, it's a picture of a boy.

So I'll tell you what, folks, we started at the beginning of the show, and we told you the theme of the show is perseverance.

Yes.

And we'll go back to it.

I I want you to pay attention to what we did is we struggled.

We came in on this one hot, but we couldn't make it work.

Listen, we're tired, guys.

We're signing leases.

We're getting insurance.

We're doing a full media blitz.

We're doing morning raid.

But I tell you what.

We got to the end of it, and we got Russell Brand out of it.

No, we got Trandy.

We got Russell Brand out.

Trandy was huge.

Russell Brand will be one of the best bits of all time, remembered forever.

Russell Brand, if he pooed himself.

And how we got that is by perseverance.

The same way that Joe Biden beat COVID,

we in five days.

We pushed through tonight.

We pushed this one out of our ass.

Until we, yeah.

We basically prairie dogged this episode in and out until we got.

And so you may think, like, wow,

this was a bad one.

I don't know.

We got to stop saying that.

We did it bad on purpose to make a point about that.

Make a point about perseverance.

Because I know, look,

and that's now you get to hear it, and your mind should be blown.

If the process is working correctly, your mind should be blown.

And

the most important takeaway, because the Adam Freeland show is going to be different.

There's going to be a lot more direct lessons.

And

you guys got to persevere.

Because a lot of you guys, you know, you're not Adam.

You're not one of the most talented people in Hollywood.

No, I know.

You don't have an ability to.

But I'm just a guy, too.

I'm like them.

Well, sometimes you're just a guy.

99% of the time you're firing on all cylinders, you smash it, the episode's amazing.

But some days it's just not there.

And what do you do?

Do you give up, make up some excuse, say, sorry, got coronavirus, no episode this week?

No.

No, we did it during coronavirus.

You persevere.

Yeah.

You persevere and you stick it out.

And hopefully, you know,

when you guys hear this

and, you know,

you're struggling

get up, go to your job, your dead-end job.

If you're lucky enough to have one, if you're lucky enough to have one, you're struggling to go work for minimum wage at your dead-end job where you can barely buy groceries because of the inflation and all this other shit.

You can take a look and you say, well, you know what?

Fucking Adam somehow figured out how to record an hour-long podcast for $107,000.

Almost it.

And if he can do do that, then by God, I can push a broom and feel good about myself while doing it.

And

that's perseverance.

Yes, that is.

And that's the moral of the episode.

And so

I know you may.

Just to recap,

you've got to stick it out, guys.

You've got to tough things out.

We'll be back on Sunday with the Adam Friedland Show Premium.

Live in studio.

We'll see, hopefully.

I think so.

Yeah, I swear to God, if this fucking cocksucker is going to.

I know it's

in studio.

Well, your list does not start till Monday.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, well, then you're wasting my fucking time.

Exactly.

Because you told me one thing.

If that was how it was going to be, then fucking tell me up front.

I'm not coming in and out of the city, hauling shit back and forth, waiting for you to clear this fucking space out.

I'm a goddamn producer.

I don't have time for this.

You got to go full Harvey on him.

You have to eat his pussy.

Yeah, yeah.

You have to get him to go to a hotel room with you and eat his pussy.

I'm going to tell on him, dude.

I'm going to straight up tell him to tattle.

No, we have to like.

I'm entering my snitch era.

No,

I'm going to pull it out.

I'm going to call him boss a lot and my friend.

I'm going to act like we're friends.

And then he's really going to drop the ball one time, and then we're going to snitch.

They've already dropped the ball.

All right.

As far as I'm concerned.

But yeah, no one on the show is allowed to tell or know that I snitched.

So if you're listening and you found out,

don't tell anyone.

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