Ep. X07 – TAFS Emergency Meeting

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oh my god that's so disrespectful

i don't but you started it early now and it

it's disgusting

that's fucking disgusting

i got you so good you just sat in my nostrils

headphones on so you couldn't

I couldn't hear.

You fell right in my fucking head.

It's a shame.

We used to have a guy here to witness things like that, bro.

You should have been laughing his ass off.

That was probably the best thing I've ever done in my life.

Oh, my God, dude.

I want to throw up.

Alright.

Alright, alright.

Stay calm so we can cut this promo.

Okay, just do the promo.

Is it still shaded?

Dude, it sucks, man.

It was all wet.

I thought I shit myself.

I want to throw up.

You know what?

Hold on.

You know, Mars attacks.

You know, when the aliens wheel the gun out to the old lady's head, yeah.

That's how I got you.

It was.

No, you can't.

Dude, you sit down.

We'll do it.

Let's cut the promo, dude.

You gotta do it too.

Has your favorite podcast ended?

It's no more.

Your Wednesdays hanging out with your best friends.

Yeah.

It's over.

Well,

you had three friends in the world, and now you're down to two.

And you abuse them through Instagram.

Unsolicited Instagram DMs.

No, you've been remarkably nice the last couple of weeks.

You've been nice now.

Because you can't stand.

What if I lose the book?

Then the sound effect of the scratch.

Well, guess what, motherfuckers?

There's a new...

I gotta find another song.

I didn't think about this.

There's a new podcast.

I like this song.

And it's called the Adam Friedland Show.

It's called the Adam Friedland Show.

But the Adam Friedland Show is more than a podcast.

We're making a TV show for a while.

We're making a TV, but it'll be more than a TV show.

The problem is, is that we need general liability insurance.

And we don't know what that is.

And it's costing a lot of money to try and get it.

And now

we've paid $20,000 to rent a space that we can't get into.

That we can't move into.

So what we need you to do is go to patreon.com/slash come town.

If you've been stealing the show,

maybe now consider that we have overhead.

And we're going to be spending a lot of money.

And we're going to,

so we need you guys' support, but we're going to, we're going to, what you give,

you're going to get back in the terms.

the expensive things that we buy for the show.

Yes, exactly.

Cameras, lenses.

Lenses from the Ukraine.

Assistance and stuff.

When you take into consideration a lot of you think that maybe Adam makes too much money.

I'm not making anything this morning.

He would be making five times as much if this were on HBO.

Yeah, that's true.

And we're going to make HBO look like a bunch of H-O-M-Os

with how good this fucking show is.

Oh, my God.

I still smell it, dude.

Let's start the show.

Shot another whip

mark penis one

uh fuck

oh

oh that's my jam oh that's my song

ladies and gentlemen the adam friedland show

with today's guest Simon Pegg

who's they emailed this did we get an email back?

We got an email back.

What'd they say?

They said that he's busy filming Mission Impossible.

Shit.

For real?

Yeah, he said, I'm sorry.

Simon has no time.

He has no time.

He has no time for the Adam Freaks.

He said, when I talked to him, he said, I will almost do it.

He's like, I'd almost do it.

That's what he said.

I was like, what the fuck does almost mean?

Well, folks, we're here today.

We were going to do another production meeting rather than an episode, but

that kind of got off to a false start.

We're dealing with a lot of shit right now in our business.

We are dealing with.

Don't say that.

No, not bad shit.

We're dealing with a lot of,

let's say, bureaucracy.

Actually, you know what?

And red tape?

I'm sorry for interjecting.

Don't say that.

Because if we can take, if the Adam Friedland show is going to take a more meta direction, maybe your frustrations that you're experiencing trying to get the ball rolling on

the studio and stuff or the business, maybe we can explore that.

Like what you as an artist struggle with in terms of the nuts and bolts stuff.

Well, this is, yeah, exactly.

Because a lot of art you think is just a guy on stage, you know, dressed in a clown costume, you know, hurting his penis for the laughter of

the masses.

Calling his penis small.

Calling his penis small.

You know, a lot of that kind of stuff.

Asking if anyone.

All right, all right.

And then so

then, you know,

you see the finished product, but what you don't see is you don't see the hundreds of people backstage making it happen.

You don't see the

personal trainer, the nutritionist.

The insurance claims adjuster.

You don't see the mentally ill women from dating apps.

You don't see

the non-disclosure agreements with NDAs,

the lawyers responsible for

actually the roommate responsible for Googling boilerplate NDA and printing it out,

putting it in

the artist's suitcase.

Yes.

Just in case.

You know, because you saw that one Chappelle sketch the love contract and you're like, damn, I should be doing that too.

Yeah.

You know,

you don't see all of this.

The therapist that's there convincing you that this is a healthy lifestyle.

Yeah.

Just keep going.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're on the right track.

You're doing well.

A guy that you pay $300.

A sliding scale scale guy who moves the money up the more money you make.

So you can't tell him that you're doing well in your career.

Yeah.

That guy.

So therefore, your therapy is null and void.

You don't see that guy.

You don't see that, you know?

You don't see.

Because

it's a team.

Yeah.

And a lot of that is just because you're physically blocking that whole team.

All right.

I don't know.

A lot of them are literally behind you holding you up.

Right.

In a lot of ways.

I'm saying if somebody was like physically handicapped or There's two footprints, and then there's one footprints.

That's how it goes.

Yeah.

I looked down on the beach and I saw there was two sets of footprints, one very fat set,

like almost like

a Bigfoot or something.

And these are the people that are behind the Amy Schumer live experience.

Right.

You know, that's

what we're talking about.

We're talking about Amy Schumer.

And because we have a little bit, we had a couple issues, but those are cleared up now.

We squashed the beef.

She's not going to be coming coming on the pod to squash the beef, but the beef is officially squashed.

Well, I was talking to Simon Pegg's people a little bit.

You know, unfortunately, he's busy with mission.

This is the kind of stuff we've got to talk about.

His people.

They're going to love this.

Because

producing is an art in and of itself.

It's true.

Sending emails, that's art, dude.

Maybe a lot of the younger listeners, if you're millennials, the young millennial types.

Yeah.

You know, 14-year-olds.

Yeah,

millennials, which are, you know, know, they're young people.

Yeah, young.

Age 29 to 47 years old.

They're young folks.

53-year-olds.

Millennials are young people.

They're young people.

Between the ages of 31 and 58.

And they're having trouble adulting.

And we're adults.

Yeah.

That's the big thing.

And it's not our fault.

It's because of the recession.

Just because of what the

late capitalism.

The banks and car companies in 2008.

And the tech something.

And that's why

tech guys.

Yeah.

That's why I work at a vegan grocery store.

And

my career is mostly in staying up to date on they them stuff on social media.

Yeah, exactly.

And

listen, guys,

you might be wondering.

And so, you know, yeah, it's like you're struggling.

You've got student debt.

You want it canceled.

And we're going to get it canceled.

Student debt's going to get canceled.

And

as soon as that student debt's out of the way,

then

that's job time, baby.

Student debt's out of the the way.

Your one-man show.

Now, career.

Your one-man show

is the lights go up.

No more talking about opening a bicycle repair shop.

Exactly.

Now it's time to, now you're going to be the manager of.

Now you're going to be the boss.

Yeah, you're going to be the boss.

And you've paid the cost to be the boss.

Cost of the boss.

So here's the boss.

Coast to pay the coast.

Coast to pay the boss.

You play the coast to be the boss.

If you want to be the boss, you've got to pay the coast.

Listen, that's an expression that.

Yeah.

So

there's some bureaucratic red tape that we're figuring out right now.

We've been on the phone talking to some very.

Oh, all I was going to say is I was going back and forth.

I'm your rep.

I'm your producer and also agent superstar.

I was talking with Simon Pegg's people.

But you're representing me.

Yes.

And so me and we're both handlers, so we kind of speak a different language.

Unfortunately, I was not able to get him on the show, and he seems to think that I have a mental disability.

Yeah.

But I did get the impression, based on the email, that Simon Pegg thinks Amy Schumer is a fat pig.

Yeah.

That's pretty fucked up.

And tell me if I'm wrong here.

No, I don't think he would say that.

He didn't say it per se, but he would say, hi, Nick, I don't have any time with Simon at present as he's away with his family and then jumps straight back into Mission Impossible.

Sorry we can't help at this time.

Best wishes.

Can't help.

Yeah.

Like, he's helping us.

Well, he would be helpful.

I mean, no, we would be helping him.

He said, Simon, as he's away with his family.

That's I like it.

As he's away with his family, which is like, you know, what's the point of mentioning that?

I mean, we're all professionals.

You could say he's busy, or you could say no.

And that's away with his family.

Yeah, it's sort of a dig.

But we're single man.

Well, Amy Schumer, who's, you know, she's like taking a break to be with her family recently

because she's

she

basically ate herself into a coma at that NFT event.

Anyway, so we so listen, so we've made a lot of strides in this process.

And like basically, what you're seeing right now is that this is like before,

you know, when Larry Sanders was at meetings with HBO, right?

Yeah.

When Artie was pitching the show.

Yeah.

You're in pre-production right now with your friends Nick and Adam.

All right.

And so we're taking you along for the entire process.

So, you know, I've seen a lot of people say, well, stop calling them test episodes.

You know, like,

stop calling them production media.

You got to not look at that stuff.

Listen, I don't look at it.

It's my job to look at that.

People shout it at me on the streets.

It's my job to look at.

You just worry about the art, and

I'll produce this thing, and I will be basically like a sponge for all of the negative

attitude that comes directed at the show.

Because I guarantee you, no matter how negative the audience may be, I can do more cocaine than

they can criticize.

I can feel good about it for 10 minutes.

I can do more speedball than they can criticize.

I can feel great about all your criticisms for about eight to ten minutes.

When I tie all of my power knots together, my power ties together, and to form one long tie that I put on in my office,

and I tie to a doorknob at the far end of the space, the 7,000 square foot space we rented.

It's pretty big.

I tie the tie at the far end, and then I stretch it out all the way to the other end of the room.

Yeah.

And then I hit a little speed ball and I lean back and get a little

auto-erotic asphyxiation.

You take a big whiff

of

a rag.

How are they going to find me?

They're going to say, producer, superstar, Nick Million, found dead.

I changed my name to Nick Million by the way.

I know, I saw that.

Superstar producer

The people are loving that.

Yeah.

Found dead, high on speedball, penis hard, wearing the world's largest tie.

Yes.

And that's how I'll up all of them because there might be another David Kerradine.

There's never going to be another guy that killed himself by accident high on Coke, wearing the world's largest power tie.

Just pulling your small, shriveled penis that can't go down.

It would be around my neck.

I know.

I know.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

I'm saying, oh, so you wouldn't actually be masturbating.

It would just be a tie accident.

Well, I think that's more

business.

That's the erotic part of it.

That's more erotic.

It's the strangling, yeah.

I don't know if David Carradine was actually masturbating.

I think he was just naked and strangling himself in the closet.

Oh, really?

I assumed he was beating off.

Wasn't the guy from In Excess also beat off?

Yeah.

He died beating off.

Simon Peck, yeah.

Simon Peck.

With his family.

Yeah.

Which is so so selfish when you have kids.

Don't you have to?

To what?

To masturbate?

To kill yourself.

Oh, to kill yourself.

Yeah.

They have to live with that.

Well, they didn't kill them, so they died accidentally jacking off.

Yeah, it's true.

But what about the children?

Yeah, it is sad.

Because imagine your son finding you dead for masturbating.

He's like, that could have been a little brother.

That could have been my brother.

My little brother.

Instead, you nutted

him out.

You nutted him.

And then died.

Yeah.

That's how selfish you are.

Anyway, guys, guys, so we have a lot of exciting developments happening right now, and I know it sounds like we're doing a bit.

People aren't sure if this is a prolonged bit.

Maybe it is.

Maybe we keep you guessing along the way.

Is that your plan?

That's your grandplan.

That's your artistic vision for the show?

Listen, it's all your vision.

I'm just the vessel, baby.

No, I'm here to produce, to facilitate.

Yeah, but listen.

You know,

as an artist, in your subconscious, you know what you want to be doing.

It's my job to extract that, to reify this sort of like

primary creative ooze

that

is just in that little peanut head of yours.

No, I mean, like, if I'm going to be honest with people, what I want to do is I want to do something that's never been done before.

Yeah.

I want to go to Mars.

I want to go to Mars.

I want to talk to a celebrity about a trip to Hawaii where the airline lost their luggage.

You know what we should do is we should do a show.

We should do a show where we interview celebrities while eating hot wings, but in space.

In space.

No one's done that.

That's badass.

Yeah.

And people would see that.

They'd say, that's new.

They'd say,

that's crazy.

How did no one think of this?

You know, it was there this whole time in front of my face, but those were the first guys to put it together.

It's like a great Jerry Seinfeld, but you know, we've all thought it, but we've never said it.

Right.

Or we could have a show where we get a midget version of you.

A tiny Adam Friedland midget that interviews midget versions of celebrities, but they're just riding around on a Great Dane.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah, I like that.

Like it's a horse.

Yeah, yeah.

And they call them horses.

They have their own Great Danes that they ride around in like a miniature farm we've set up, like the puppy bull.

Like they have a field, we have a little farm we've set up inside.

They're riding around great Danes that we've taught how to do

like Western dressage.

That's great.

They're doing like dancing.

Yeah, they're doing horse dancing.

It's two little midgets.

And they're interviewing each other.

And you know what I think that would be?

Incredibly random.

You know what it's time?

It's been 20 years.

It's time for so random comedy to come down.

We got to go random.

Yeah.

There's a lot of younger folks.

There's a lot of young

39-year-old millennials listening to this.

You're fresh out of college mentally.

You've got to spend a couple years finding yourself after college.

You're just figuring it out.

You got to spend maybe 18 years after college finding yourself.

And then you're ready to adult.

And a lot of those people, they don't, they're like, what's hu what's comedy?

You know, like, what's the what's even is comedy?

What's my young generation's comedy?

And we're bringing so random stuff back.

Yeah.

So if you're, I want you to close your eyes for a second.

All right.

If you've, if you're, if you're new, if you're a young, young person, Zoomer even maybe,

Zoomers are what?

Age four to

36.

I think that's the generation.

They're all that age.

Yeah.

So they're young.

They're trying to find their own kindergarten.

They're trying to find their own voice.

Every Zoomer is a 31-year-old in kindergarten.

They've been held back.

And Billy Madison.

Yeah.

I think I'm pretty sure Zoomers and Millennials are the same age group,

but Zoomers are the ones that are, yes, that have a learning disability.

They're mentally handicapped.

Yeah, whereas the Millennials are the ones that have prematurely aged themselves with drugs.

And that's the difference between the two.

Yeah, but in their minds, they haven't really come to terms with what they're looking back, with what's staring back at them in the mirror.

Yeah.

They're like, I can't possibly.

Yeah.

I can't even.

So, if you're a young person and

you want some new comedy,

close your eyes.

Here we go.

And I want you to imagine this: a penguin, but

he's got a spork

and he's

and he's like

he's like eating a big piece of cheese.

Okay.

That is truly so random.

Yeah, yeah.

That is random.

He's eating a little penguin with

the

and he's like in space.

He's in a UFO, and it's a penguin with a big piece.

It's totally random.

He's eating a big block of cheese.

Yeah.

How's that for comedy?

Yeah.

Yeah, no, that's...

You know, sometimes people think a joke is a setup, a punch, and a tag.

Sometimes it's just so random.

Sometimes it's just so random.

Oh, man.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

We should have a random comedian on.

Instead of booking regular stand-up comedians, when we get the show going.

Yeah.

During our.

Is that important?

It's a New York number.

I don't know.

Oh, it's Craig Buddha.

Should we put him on the pod?

Yeah, sure.

Well, do you have the thing?

I don't know how the thing.

We're missing the little thing here.

Just put him on.

Craig.

Hey, Adam, how are you?

What's up?

I'm actually.

Can you hear me?

Yeah.

I don't know if you feel comfortable with this, but Nick and I are actually recording the podcast right now.

You're actually on the podcast.

Okay.

I just had a question about general liability insurance.

Yeah.

I have a few brokers I can hook you up with that should be able to get you settled.

Okay, cool.

Because

they've been like the fucking insurance that don't use the F word on the show, please.

Okay, yeah, Nick asked me

I have to edit that

yeah um yeah because they've like they've said like even if we're just writing for a podcast they'd like literally don't want to insure any media

oh well you know the the office I'm currently occupying we have a you know a production policy because we also do productions but the office that we rented required general liability in order to rent from them

Yes,

no, I mean, if we could get both

from the same shop, that would be awesome.

Like, right now, we're trying to get general liability just to get the keys.

And then

why don't you hit me up when you guys are done, or tomorrow morning we can discuss and I'll get you sorted.

Ask him if he's been with a squirter before he goes.

No, no, no.

Okay.

All right.

Anyway, Craig,

I'll call you after we're done recording.

All right.

Thanks, Craig.

Good luck.

All right, bye.

So those are the kind of phone calls you have to take, guys.

Yeah.

When you're in business.

I probably should have handled that, producer to producer.

I know, but like, listen, you let me do a little business.

I feel good.

I could talk to my dad about that a little bit.

I remember when I met that guy, that he's a white guy.

You didn't think he was white?

I thought he was a big, fat Chinese guy.

Because his last name is Buddha.

Well, yeah, I mean, that would make sense.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought he was going to be nude and

big nipples.

People rub his belly.

Yeah.

I thought he was going to have huge nipples and earlubs.

Why do Chinese people see that and they're like, that's the man?

That guy's the man.

That's God.

That's God.

That's our God.

I'll tell you exactly why.

Because they are so random.

They are random.

There's a lot of people that think Chinese people don't have a sense of humor.

No, no, they are the most random people.

God has big nipples and big earlubs.

And then also,

what if there was a factory where everyone died?

And that's so random comedy in China.

how did I do on that business phone call what do you think that was good and that also that that's exactly we should have made that phone call a while ago because I've been I've been I've been calling these insurance companies and lying to them and not even knowing what I needed to lie about or where and your lies

I mean I come off like Mo Sislak because they're like what do you need the insurance for I'm like well

how you doing yeah you know

what's the space going to be used for I'm like

you know a couple of midgets on some great veins you know

Maybe get them to do some dress on it.

And they're like, well, yeah.

They're like, what's that for?

And I'm like, definitely not a TV show.

Yeah.

Not a random comedy TV.

It's science.

It's a science show.

There's a couple of scientists doing experiments.

Speaking of science, nothing explosive, just midgets, great Danes.

And the Great Danes have been defanged and neutered.

Yeah.

And the Midgets have had all of their bones reinforced.

Yeah.

Medically.

Well, they're like, they're like vibranium micro machines.

Yeah, yeah.

We got

structurally reinforced midgets, riding Great Danes, but they're strapped in and

there's basically training wheels attached to the Great Danes.

So there's no way they can fall over.

It's super safe.

We also sprayed them all down with flame-retardant chemicals that are non-cancer causing, by the way.

Yeah, yeah.

We got the good kind.

We didn't cheap out on that.

And we're not filming it.

No way.

And we won't even be there, actually.

There's nobody even going to be in the space.

No.

So it might not even.

It's sort of a Schrodinger's midget sort of situation.

If you don't look in the room, is he even riding The Great Dane or not?

And they're like,

what do you need insurance for?

And I'm like, listen, you fucking cunt.

I've been patient with you.

Do you know who the fuck I am?

Do you think I need this?

I can start my own insurance company right now.

I got a million dollars.

Yeah.

I'll underwrite my own fucking.

How much do you make, bitch?

Yeah.

Oh,

I got to have a bunch of money in the bank.

Well, you got to have a bunch of dick in your fucking mouth if you question me.

Anyways.

Anyway, so that really hasn't worked.

Yeah, that's caused.

And Nick is not allowed to call Allstate anymore.

Allstate is not happy with you.

They're not happy with you.

Which really, I think, you really fucked us over with the potential endorsement deal.

With Allstate?

Yeah.

I mean, we got to go sell.

We got to sell big.

You get that guy.

You get the guy from Oz.

J.K.

Simmons.

No, the guy they have in the commercials, the All-State commercials.

He's like, I'm a mentally retarded podcast producer.

Oh, yeah, that guy.

Liz Lemon's boyfriend.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Chaos.

What's his name?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You could play that guy.

You could be the new Chaos.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I see you doing that.

Yeah.

What's the premise of those commercials?

He's like something about to go wrong.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm a a guy with Down syndrome learning how to cook his own dinner.

And then it burns down the apartment.

Thank God you got all staked.

I'm a pill in a woman's drink.

Every single commercial is just, I'm a guy with Down syndrome that got the keys to his mom's car.

We should see if we can find out what ad agency that is and submit all of our ideas.

Yeah, unsolicited.

Unsolicited.

Send them 6,000 ideas, and it's like, if you use any of these, you owe us money.

Yeah, we should go in.

That's a good business idea.

We should go in with the hidden cameras, Project Veritas.

Every advertising agency,

by certified mail, you send them every single possible thing they could come up with for their product before they get a chance to.

And then they owe you money.

And then you sue them for copying.

And you sue them for copying.

Yeah.

And then it would be so embarrassing if they got caught copying.

Speaking of copying, you're going to want to copy

the URL dietsmoke.com.

Oh my god, copy that into your browser.

Maybe you want to take over the ad read since you're the star of the show.

You're the hood.

Nobody wants to hear from the producer.

They don't trust you.

No, people want to hear from both of us.

They like Arty.

They want Larry Sanders, but they want Artie, too.

They know I'm the guy behind the scenes convincing you you're living a healthy life.

Diet Smoke is save on your first smoke, email the peep

gummy, Delta A THC,

Blue Raspberry and Watermelon, Delta 8 gummies.

And they got okay, here's the other thing.

So they got these Delta 9 gummies now.

So these are edibles.

They're weed.

This will get you fucked up.

They have CBD.

They come from the same stuff as we can.

I guess they got vapes now, too.

That's pretty cool.

That's badass.

So yeah, so now Diet Smoke, it used to be that they were just Delta 8 gummies.

And also they have way more flavors now, too.

They got...

Yeah.

They used to have the blue raspberry and the watermelon.

Now they have a mango

and cherry lime and peach and watermelon.

So this is the whole lineup now.

So you can get like, you know, depending on how much of an effect you want, you start off with CBD, you graduate to Delta 8.

Do you see what one of the vape strains is?

Watermelon OG.

They have Pineapple Express.

Definitely, definitely

did not get licensing for that.

Well, you know,

it's named after a real type of weed.

Is that true?

I don't know, but Seth Rogan follows me on Twitter, and I can ask him a tattoo.

Ask him if he's.

I can tattle.

We should do a whole segment where you talk about the celebrities that follow you on Twitter.

Seth Rogan, I just found out.

Jonah Hill follows you.

Jonah Hill.

I don't know if...

I think he's offline.

He follows all of us.

Jonah Hill follows you.

Martin Shkrelly.

Martin Lawrence.

Martin Lawrence.

You know what's weird?

Everybody who

Bruce?

You know what I realized the other day?

Everybody named Martin is famous.

Martin Sheen?

Martin Sheen, Martin Shrelly.

Martin Amini.

Martin Amini.

Martin Skrelly.

The other one we said, Martin Short.

Martin Short.

Martin Lawrence.

Basically, I've never met somebody named Martin that isn't famous.

Martin O'Malley, former Marlin.

Martin O'Malley.

Maryland.

Martin.

Martin the Martin.

Martin the Marvin.

Yeah, Martin the Marvin.

Martin.

So, what is Delta H THC?

Do you know that?

Delta-8.

No.

It is the THC that gives cannabis its popular and desired effects, and it's technically called Delta.

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So what's Delta-9 THC?

Delta-9 THC is a psychoactive cannabinoid that all cannabis users know and love.

And a cannabinoid?

It's an active compound in the cannabis plant, similar to how caffeine is an active compound.

A cannabinoid is what they call you.

If you smoke so much weed, you become retarded.

Yeah, yeah.

We got a couple of cannabinoids here.

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you.

No, it's good.

It's good.

Listen, guys.

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Um

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I would like to think that were he alive,

he would be a guest on the Adam Free Lunch Out.

Well, he is alive.

Oh, yeah, I heard that.

He's in Jamaica getting high.

Yeah, I don't know if you saw the new Boz Luhrman Elvis movie, but if you waited until after the credits, there's a scene where Tupac is at a bar bar and Elvis walks into the bar.

Yeah.

And he's like,

she finally made it.

You know, it's like, maybe we should form the

best band of all.

Yeah.

And it's like, people are going to be cra and then if you have to go watch all the all those movies to stay for the post-credits

Easter egg.

Yeah, and if you don't stay for the post-credit Easter egg, then basically you have nothing to live for as a millennial.

Yeah, you should like, it's not even worth their their cost of admission.

There's only two kinds of millennials: the ones that want student loan forgiveness and the ones that live for post-credit Easter eggs.

There are only two kinds.

There's no, and there's no

zero overlap between.

You're either a guy that fucking does not have debt, and he's got a house.

He bought his own house, managed to buy his own house in an exurb of Louisville.

Right.

And he lives for a Marvel movie Post-Credit Easter eggs.

Yeah.

And he's...

And his wife is not looking so good.

She's looking fine.

What do you think?

Yeah.

I think she's had better days.

She's a flip-flop and sweatpants short Latina.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, that sounds good.

That's actually pretty good.

Yeah.

His wife's fine.

She's fine.

And they're both dying of

congestive heart failure.

And they're 37 years old.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And

they don't know COVID is happening.

No, the news has not reached them.

Yeah, they haven't heard.

They don't know what it is.

As long as it doesn't fuck with their annual trip to Disney.

Do you think they go to Disney?

Oh, they live for that.

Yeah.

They live for the years.

Let's see.

Maybe we should do a Marvel segment.

One of the new Marvel movies.

The last one I saw was Shang-Chi, the Legend of the Ten Rings.

I guess Morbius is the legend.

Which was technically the Marvel Chinese universe, not the Marvel cinematic universe.

Yeah, the so random Marvel.

That's Shang Chi's.

So random.

It was Shang-Chi's power.

It was the power of random universe.

There'd be a couple of guys robbing somebody.

He'd be like, hey, why don't you not rob that guy?

And they're like, what are you going to do about it?

And he's like, what?

Imagine what.

He's like,

there's a zombie doctor who lives on the moon.

And they're like,

and they die laughing.

They die laughing.

What if one man told a joke so funny

that it killed another man?

That it used Shang-Chi's so-random Chinese comedy.

Yeah, no, I think the new one is Thor

Thunder.

Yeah.

Love and Thunder.

Is that right?

I still can't believe Simon Pegg blew off the Adam Friedland show together.

To be with his fucking fan.

To do Mission Impossible.

To do Mission Impossible.

Yeah, it's fucking like, it's so, like, yeah, like um

just take your career seriously, I guess.

I mean, I don't want to give him advice or anything.

He hasn't interested, you know what?

He can't help you.

It's like we're helping, we're helping Simon.

You know what Simon Pegg looks like?

It's if Pitbull were actually white.

Really?

Yeah, kind of.

Imagine Mr.

Worldwide as someone from the British Isles.

Yeah, you know, he really came up as like a nerd kind of guy.

But he wasn't a nerd.

They were office.

They were office guys.

They're not like nerds.

No, he wasn't in the office.

Yeah, No, I'm saying, but the whole thing, it wasn't like they were nerds.

They were like, they're supposed to be like a downtrodden kind of.

No, but they talk about Star Trek and stuff.

No, the Sean of the Dead,

they don't talk about Star Trek, do they?

No, he was in a show where I think they were all Trekkies and stuff.

I forgot what it was.

I don't even know what I'm talking about.

But

I don't know fuck all about this guy's fucking career.

I don't know, pissle.

I don't know

goddamn thing.

I tell you,

two days ago, when I sent that email, I was the biggest Simon Pegg fan in the world.

And now, after this fucking

family, this fucking cocksucker is going to spend time with his family instead of coming over to my apartment.

Look at this.

I got a puzzle.

You got a big-ass TV.

I got a big fucking TV movie.

You got surround sound?

Instead of being in the Mission Impossible movies, why don't you come over here and we get fucked up and we'll watch all the Mission Impossible movies.

That would be so sick.

We'll watch them.

We'll watch them.

We're going to watch them.

We'll be like, what was that like?

Let me ask you something.

Did you really, did you think, did you know going in that the mission wasn't actually impossible?

They couldn't have.

Do you think that?

Because

that's what it's called.

Tom Cruise, in real life, is he strong?

Is he fucking strong?

Because I know he's cut, but like, you ever see him bench?

You know what numbers he's putting on?

Yeah, yeah.

What are we talking about, number?

What kind of sneakers are you wearing, bro?

That's what they probably...

They probably thought this.

That's what they thought this was.

Yeah, anytime he's in L.A., he gets asked to do a podcast.

They're probably all like, what kind of sneakers you got on, bro?

What's your sneaker game doing?

Yeah, so you do a comedy.

You ever think about releasing like a special or something?

Because the new game now is everybody's doing their own shit, you know?

Because I was wondering, is that ever going to reach the Hollywood fucking movie star?

They're probably changing the game right now.

Like,

imagine if you and Tom Cruise, you made your own mission impossible and it was on Netflix.

And

you could say the words that they don't let you say.

But, bro, you could put it on Netflix and you could do your own mission.

You could do it, yeah, whatever.

And then you're not answering the fucking nobody.

Yeah, it's true.

You're your own boss.

Yeah.

I mean,

what's happened in the last mission?

Power.

It's always got to be like a terrorist as a bomb.

But this new one, you could do whatever you want.

It could be like a fucking, you could go to,

it could be in space.

Yeah.

And you could, like, you know, you could be, you could have two great Danes, and the mission could be

perhaps getting

like midgets or something, or like a penguin, like a scary, like a zombie penguin, and he's eating a big piece of cheese with a spork.

Yeah, it's funny.

Bro, can you imagine that?

How fucking funny that would be?

That's pretty funny.

And then also, he's got the freshest kicks.

He's got the newest sneakers.

He's wearing Jays.

He's wearing Jays.

All right, our next guest is a UFC fighter.

I'm going to just make fucking homoerotic homages to his body the whole time.

Yeah, because you're kind of big.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thanks for Simon Peck.

Thanks for coming on our comedy podcast.

Yeah, yeah.

Where we talk about

UFC and sneakers.

Yeah, it's called Pull No Punches.

Right.

Because that's like what a comedy is like.

Yeah.

And that's what

Ultimate Fighting Champions are.

It's called the two cool guys who take shit from nobody ever, especially not on Wednesdays and Sundays.

Oh, my God.

The two kings who are cool guys who never do anything but dish it and they can take it, but they refuse refuse to.

They could take it if they wanted to, but they're not going to put up with that because

they're alpha types.

There's actually a new Greek letter that goes even

before alpha.

It's zero.

Imagine if the alphabet had a zero.

It's called two zero king losers, but they choose to lose

because they got sneakers now.

And they're millennials.

They're still young.

They're a couple of young guys figuring it out.

They're 59-year-old millennials.

Yeah, yeah.

They're just kids.

They're just kids

from the neighborhood.

And we got cut to our sponsor today.

It's performance-enhancing drugs.

They come in the form of airheads, if you remember those.

Yo, those were great, dude.

They got really sour and then they were sweet.

Okay.

All right, and we're back.

That is kind of LA podcasts really do be like that.

Yeah, I mean, I think it's all podcasts.

It's probably.

We need to learn about

three types of podcasts.

And I'm I'm excluding, everyone already knows about the Tim.

There's Tim Dillon, Joe Rogan types,

which I would call pure podcasting.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

Anybody that, like, anybody that could possibly do anything for us, I would call that good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're at the peak of their game.

The pinnacle.

Anyone that could help us in any way.

Outside of that, you got like true crime or Dungeons and Dragons shit,

which for some reason, there's somehow, you know, what's funny is, like, you know, we had our old show, and people would talk about, like, you guys figured figured it out, you know?

But, like, and, you know, we did well.

But somehow, you can just start a Dungeons and Dragons or true crime podcast, and people will give you billions of dollars.

You make $250,000 a month on it.

A week.

Easy.

Yeah.

And it's like, I guess there's mini, and it's just because of serial.

I guess so, yeah.

Yeah.

Imagine if you had a true crime D and D podcast.

Oh, my God.

Where you led people through quests that were actual crime.

There were rapes that happened the real world.

Real rapes.

Yeah, we saw women's rapes through chance and logic.

Yeah.

And fantasy.

Yeah, yeah.

Through sexual fantasy.

That's when people think of

rape, they think of the sexual fantasies.

That was E.

Jean Carroll coming up with the greatest podcast of all time.

We got to get her on the mic.

Yeah.

Yeah.

To be a dungeon master in the rape dungeon, I believe it's called.

We need Simon Pegg and E.

Gene Carroll on an episode.

I consider myself British myself, actually.

Yes.

In a certain way.

It's like, in what way are you British?

She's like, well, I've got a short haircut.

We have the same haircut.

They have that in England.

I've got translucent skin.

I'm crazy.

I have schizophrenia.

I love Bergdorf Goodman.

Shakespeare.

That's one of the quotes.

That's it.

That's what happened in my brain.

Shakespeare.

That I thought I was British.

As I referred to

Donald Trump as Shakespearean in the clip.

Before the president.

Donald Trump, 1996.

Hail and well, my fellow.

Shakespearean.

Talk of the town.

He's saying hi to everybody.

And he took me into Bergdorf Goodman.

And the thing you have to understand

is Bergdorf Goodman is a magical place.

Yeah, it's true.

Kind of like Jolliol itself.

Yeah, it's true.

Yeah.

You know, they give you champagne while you shop there?

Do they?

Yeah.

She got fucked up.

She got a little pain

sham.

Yeah.

Sounds like she committed a pain sham when she falsely accused the president.

When she falsely accused the president,

Eugene Carroll, famous liar, who lied.

She lied on him.

She lied on his ass.

She lied on his ass.

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Are they still going with that?

I don't know.

You haven't sent me a copy in months.

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

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Should we look up La Vitra?

Is that something you want to talk about?

Yeah, let's see what La Vitra is.

Which one did you always go for?

The Cialis?

I don't know.

I don't have any at my house anymore, but I think I got Cialis.

I think Sialis is 36 hours of just rock hard, cock hard.

So I was like, you know.

Vardenophil is a generic name of Blue Children.

Vardenophil.

Congratulations to Blue Chew for

getting a third flavor.

Now I kind of want to re-watch

not Hot Fuzz, the last of

the End of the World or the World Ending movie.

Remember that?

Was that Simon Peggy?

The World's End.

The World's End.

I don't think I ever saw it.

I don't think I ever saw it.

Yeah.

I remember enjoying it.

Listen, those guys are funny.

They are funny.

The fat guy, he's funny.

The fat guy.

Maybe we should see if we get the fat guy on.

What's his name, Nick something?

I think him and Simon Pegg had some kind of falling out or something.

Really?

Yeah.

Maybe Simon Pegg doesn't like guys named Nick.

Maybe.

Maybe that's what it was.

Yeah.

You know?

You know what?

He's a fat guy, and his name's Nick Frost.

You know, they should call him

Nick Frosting.

Yeah.

We should have him on and ask him that.

Has anyone ever said that?

Yeah,

has anyone ever called you, would we say, Seaman Pig

in elementary school?

Do people call you that?

Do they call you Semen Pig?

Did they call you Seaman Pig?

No, no, we're just asking the hard-hitting questions.

Hey, Nick Frost, did anyone ever call you Snickers Frosting?

You fat fuck.

You fat fucking piece of shit.

Welcome to American Podcasting.

Yeah.

What kind of sneakers you got on, big boy?

Yo, you ever watch MMA?

Bro, they got to be fresh.

Because that's the thing.

You probably, even though you're a fat fuck, you probably get girls though, bro, because you got confidence.

Yeah, yeah.

And that's what women

a woman's brain responds to confidence.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm always telling

my son that.

I think he calls me Eric, which, yeah, because he's.

You're working your way up to that.

Well, I never see him.

I see him once every two years.

He calls me Eric,

which is weird because my name's Brian.

Who's Eric?

I don't know.

I don't know why he calls him that.

I mean, it's bad enough he doesn't call me dad, but I figured he at least called me my name.

I would not put up with that shit, bro.

Yeah, I think he's disrespecting me, but

that's why I can't get pussy from his mom no more.

But if I would have beat the fuck out of him, that's why I've been taking Brazilian karate.

Yeah.

I've been taking Brazilian chai-chitsu, Shang-Chi,

with a Brazilian guy.

I think so.

Yeah, yeah.

Put on the karate clothes?

Yeah.

I was walking around the other day.

There was a guy cleaning up at Target.

You put a gi on?

I used to hang out in the dressing room until after hours at Target, and I

would go up, and I would.

Sexually, the only thing that works for me, fat mannequins, bro.

Really?

So I got to wait till after hours at Target so I can fuck them.

Fuck them.

And one time I came out of the dressing room a little early.

There was a little Mexican guy going around.

He's like, bro, can you teach me Brazilian karate?

Yeah.

And now I give him $500 every Thursday.

And he's been teaching me karate.

You guys just roll around on the floor?

Yeah, so I can beat up my son and then fuck his mom because she responds to me.

So she'll respect you.

So she'll respect me, bro.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what that's, you know.

And if you're a young guy, you listen to this, you're a young millennial, once again, age 51 to 78 years old.

Yeah.

You know, I'm not only telling Nick Frost this, who's here right now, and he's in awe.

Yeah.

He's because we've cut his mic and also he left, but he's in awe.

Yeah, he's in the case.

He didn't realize, you know, and a lot of you guys don't realize this.

What women respond to, they got primal brains, you know?

It's true.

Like,

all the women that are like, I just want a good guy.

I want someone that respects me.

What they really want is a guy that's capable

of doing karate

on a child.

I don't know what a lot of you are.

Strong enough to beat up a kid.

If that's what women respond to, why can't I Google your name right now, Brian?

And there's 15 articles on TMZ about you raping 50 different women.

Unsubstantiated.

Well, hold on.

That's a matter for the courts.

What is true, though, is I've lost count of my number.

Yeah.

It's in the thousands.

So if 5% of that is rape,

but 95% of it is consensual, guess who's getting pussy for real, bro?

Yeah, you're still getting it in.

The sneaker doctor.

The sneaker voice.

The wizard of sneaker mentality.

The sneaker mind.

They call that the sneaker mentality.

Yeah, and I know that we're in L.A., but we have these accents.

But that's just like, you know,

we've never even been to New York.

I've never been to to New York.

No, but like, this is like.

Bro, I'm from San Francisco.

This is the real.

You're from San Francisco?

Yeah, yeah, I'm from San Francisco.

I use the name Tommy B, but, you know,

my real last name is Barjuzh Niania.

Oh, you're Armenian?

Yeah, no, my parents are like Syrian or Lebanese or something.

Some shit like that.

Yeah, they did real estate.

They did commercial real estate, so I grew up as like a fucking billionaire.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, but yeah, I go by Tommy B now.

I've been buying sneakers since I was 14.

Yeah, I'm just doing fucking comedy.

I got into comedy age 51 years old.

Yeah, yeah.

I've been going up at the mic at the store.

I'm at the store every night.

Every fucking night.

You got to put your face in.

You got to get reps.

Yeah.

The work.

And I literally mean

reps, dude.

Half the time I'll go up on stage and I'll bring a set of dumbbells with me.

So while I'm, you know, so that it's, you know, it's even more work.

I wear ankle weights while I do stand-up because that's i'm trying to do i'm trying to give 110 i'm trying to work the hardest yeah i might not be the funniest but i'll work your ass i'm wearing i'm wearing six six six sizes six x's over my regular size and i'm covered in lead weights

when i go on stage because i want to make sure i'm putting in the work reps you know and i'm like yo who's fucking squirting who's doing that and it's not it's more it's even more harder right right because Because, you know, I'm being weighed down by all these ankle weights.

Yeah, that's right.

And that's how I could be, yeah.

Look, I've been doing comedy six months, but I'm committed to the lifestyle.

I'm doing the podcast.

I've got the podcast.

Going up every night.

I got the sneakers.

I've committed 50 rapes.

I'm in it.

I'm in the lifestyle.

I'm doing Brazilian truge.

I'm doing Brazilian trucks too.

I got a lead on two midgets in a rental space.

We're getting great danes, and we're creating the greatest TV show of of all time.

Bro, I'm telling you, we got this.

Bro, it's just L.A.

style.

That's just what it is.

It's just L.A.

style.

I'm just trying to be the king.

I'm trying to be.

You know, and you know, it's like in this town, there's so many fakes.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, everyone you meet in this industry, everyone's out to get you, stab you in the back, fuck you and your ass.

You know, you can't trust anyone in this fucking industry.

Yeah.

But, you know, you put your fucking head down.

Yeah.

You can wait in line.

Yeah, Craig Buddha molested me.

No, don't talk to that.

He's a good guy.

Never mind.

He's a good guy, and he's going to help us out with our friends.

He's going to help us out with insurance on our office.

But me, Tommy B, let's just say I've had my own experience.

You don't pull any punches, bro.

I don't pull any punches.

Whether it's a woman or you're on stage.

Look, I tell a lot of cows.

I'm like 300 pounds in body weights.

Yeah, here on the two losers that weigh 6,000 pounds due to ankle weights, but they got sneakers in a King's Mentality podcast.

I don't pull no punches, bro.

You know, like.

I'm loving it.

That's my catchphrase.

Really?

Yeah, dude.

Every joke, I go, bada, ba, papa.

I'm loving it.

But then it turns out that I kind of got into legal issue with that.

Really?

Yeah.

Apparently,

yeah, it's like a fucking restaurant that already has that.

No, shit, bro.

Yeah.

That's bullshit, bro.

You got to,

bro,

You gotta say fuck you to them.

So I changed it.

It's bada, ba-ba-ba-piza, pizza.

That's what I do now.

Okay.

Okay, I like to see them take that away from you.

Yeah, you know, they got this restaurant, Little Caesars.

Yeah.

And me and me and Tommy C.

We're in there.

That's another guy who does comedy.

Together, our combined age is 147 years old.

Yeah, he's funny though, he's funny.

Yeah, he's he's in he's dude.

He's funny, dude.

He's a fucking powerhouse, gorilla, rapist,

beast animal, dude.

He's like

the fucking

lightning rod, muscle man,

power ass, jailhouse, killer,

rapist, beast, bro.

On stage, I'm telling you.

Oh, my God.

It's like when you watch him do a set, it's like a where were you kind of moment.

Yeah.

You know, you know, he is just

an absolute beast.

But we were getting, we were, we were bulking together.

Okay.

Steroid.

We did it.

We just,

We were doing spots all night.

Oh, spots.

So, cumulatively, you know, it's like we've been on stage for maybe 45 minutes

for the whole night, you know.

But we got the ankle weights on the whole time.

So you're bulking.

We're sweating.

Yeah, we got to go get, we got to fuel up.

So we went to this little Italian place.

You know, you know me.

I'm big on authentic Italian.

Yeah.

We went to this place.

Luca Di Pepo?

We went to this place, Little Caesars.

But we were sitting there, and I said to him, I was like, Tommy,

what about this?

Big Caesars.

Okay.

And it's fucking, it's,

it's this.

Bro.

But there's, you get two pizzas.

Instead of the one, you pay the price for the one piece.

They give you two pizzas.

And he just lost his mind.

I mean, he's looking at me.

He's like, that is a really good idea.

Which, by the way, that is a perfect Tommy C.

Bro, you got him.

Tommy Chromosome sounds exactly like that, Tommy C.

Yeah, Tommy.

They call him two.

Tommy, in parentheses, two chromosome.

He's a beautiful.

Tommy C.

Absolute fucking brain retard on stage.

They call him the power monoloid retard 5,000 laser brain monster

dick

bastard

of comedy, stage power.

I heard Rich Voss was in the back of the room.

Who's Rich Voss?

He's a New York guy.

New York guy.

I don't really fuck with those New York guys.

You don't fuck with them?

Nah.

No, no.

I think he was vibing up.

Nah, none of that.

I don't like the New York guys because they're all about, like, you know.

Yeah.

Just, they're like, oh, I'm just going to write some jokes.

It's like, bro, no, you got to have the whole mentality.

That's why it's like, the more time I spend with Tommy C., the more I can feel his mentality sort of rubbing off on me.

Yeah.

You know?

Because I asked him, I'm like, have you written any new jokes?

He's like, no, I just bought more sneakers.

I got more sneakers.

I got a couple more black belts.

Yeah.

I downloaded the signal app.

Yeah.

So bitches can't.

You go in the green room.

There's New York comics here.

They're scrolling through their notebooks.

All the LA comics, they're covered with ankle weights, injecting PEDs.

That's what sets the absolute killer bastard

gorilla

rapists

from the nerd, you know, like the nerd guys that are just trying to read jokes instead of being the mindset mentality gorilla.

Dude, it's just boring.

The New York guys.

They're just so boring.

Yeah.

They don't know anything about MMA.

My thing, bench pressing and being random.

Yeah.

That's what I'm getting into.

Yeah, and trying to befriend Bobby Lee.

Bobby Lee's a nice guy.

He's a good guy.

He's a good guy.

Really good guy, Bobby Lee.

He's helped a lot of people.

Absolute killer.

Absolute retard.

Absolute monster.

Retard.

Killer.

You got to see him, dude.

He's electric.

Dude, Bobby goes on stage and fucking.

People are putting guns in the mouths and blowing the fucking brains out because they're laughing.

They can't stop laughing.

Yeah, it's true.

It hurts.

And

they put a...

You ever heard of Debasils?

Decibels?

Debasils.

No, no.

I looked it up.

So

Tommy C.

was telling me about this.

They got this shit Debasil.

He's smart.

They got this shit Debisel, which is like, it tells you how fucking loud a shit is.

Oh, okay.

You know?

So, like, you know how, like, you know how you weigh something, right?

That depends how many pounds it is.

You know, like me, I'm 5'4, 392 pounds.

Okay.

You know, so I have a height.

Height, that's got a number.

Weight, that's got a number.

But sound.

That has a number, too.

Now it's got, because it used to be volume, but that's on the other.

That's on the

the knob yeah you know and that depends on the fucking thing but like what if you're outside and you say like what's the volume uh and that's what debilisels is yeah that's right and they put that in one of bobby's shows and the number was so fucking high that

you know they had to close they had to it was illegal because people were laughing so hard that they lost the business license they had to call the cops and they had to close the place down separate from that i guess the owner of the club had like raped a couple of female comedians yeah but it was the the devil souls.

Yeah.

And they said their owner raped a bunch of female comedians.

I said, damn, I had no idea he also did comedy.

I had no idea the owner of the club was also a comedian.

Damn.

And I said, we got to get this guy some sneakers.

We got to get him on the podcast.

Yeah, yeah.

We got to get him on the podcast.

Give him a chance, you know.

Work him out a little.

We asked him, we said, what's your ratio, bro?

Consensual or non-consensual.

What's your ratio?

Because if you're over 95%,

basically in the pussy world, you're like a killer.

You're like a stage monster.

You're

like a monster of fucking gargoyle, monkey-faced fucking

bitch,

retard,

jungle

piece of ass.

Bobby Lee on stage is a piece of ass.

He's an absolute piece of ass.

He's an absolute fucking bombshell on stage, bro.

You see that guy on stage?

Oh, my God.

He is an absolute sex pot.

Damn.

Just slut, cum pig,

power bastard.

Oh, my God.

The devils were so high, my dick got so hard it popped.

Your dick could get hard from the devils.

Like, you know, a cartoon thermometer in the summertime when it popped, that the top popped.

No way.

Yeah.

Yeah, they get reconstructive surgery.

They fixed it?

Yeah.

They made it bigger, maybe?

I mean, it was already pretty big.

Number one rule of comedy: you always say that your dick is big.

You always compliment yourself sexually.

You always say that

you get it.

Because it's not about making the audience laugh.

It's about making the women in the audience be so bored that they keep drinking and drinking and drinking until by the end of the show

you can take them back to your hotel room.

Yeah, it's true.

You know, because they don't know where they are.

And if you're doing a full hour,

how many drinks is that?

Yeah.

Do a full hour.

My personally, what I tell the clubs is, you know, a lot of clubs have a two-drink minimum.

I tell them we're going 15-drink minimum for women.

GHB.

Yeah.

Well, I don't know about GHB.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know, bro.

That sounds never been proven.

That sounds a little bit too much to me.

I don't know about that, yeah.

But whatever.

Sometimes I sit here.

You're just joking.

You're just joking.

It's just random.

It's just random.

It's going to be a a thing where

a lot of guys, you can't even joke around like that anymore.

I know.

It's because it's like woke.

It's because of this woke stuff.

Don't even.

I can't.

And it's like, you know what I mean?

I don't want to make this shit illegal.

Yeah, it's like, you know, it's like, do you think I'm fucking rapist?

Bro, my criminal defense attorney is a fucking black woman.

That's my public defender.

Remember the 14-year-old in San Jose?

I remember.

And you told me you not only consider her to be your lawyer, but also a friend.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

And she jokes around.

Yeah.

She's like, she's got a really good sense of humor.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Especially about all the things you've done.

She's like, not again.

Well, done.

Question mark.

You know, accused.

As in, am I done doing it?

Hell no.

Hell no.

I'm going to keep going until they change the laws.

That's the move.

The judge is like, did you do this?

I'm like, yes.

my but my i'm pleading this shit ain't wrong yeah and it's not over yeah yeah yes okay so consent missing in this situation but when other women see my gorilla stage killer ankle weight mindset they're gonna say this guy takes what he wants then in the future your honor by taking advantage of some people now

i'm preventing myself from taking advantage of other people in the future.

Because when this very public sexual assault case goes forward,

you know about women writing letters to guys in jail.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what's going to happen.

You put me in there, I'm going to get those letters.

Yeah.

And so

this is a play by me.

Everything's always a play.

Right?

Right.

You don't understand that because you're a judge.

You're always making decisions.

Right.

A guy like me.

You're three steps ahead.

I'm five steps ahead.

Yeah.

That's

your joke.

Your joke is you say you're three steps ahead.

And then you say five steps.

And then I say, bro, I'm five steps ahead.

I'm five steps ahead.

Wait, you do it again?

You're three steps ahead.

Bro, I'm

five steps ahead.

Oh, man.

God.

God, man.

Yeah, I just love comedy and saying, you know, jokes like that where you add

one.

Two.

Yeah.

You add two.

It's called Yes And.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I went to the UCB one time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And how many comedy shows did you see?

No, no, I was I was doing that class.

Oh, you do?

How many classes did you take there?

Oh, um, well,

we had, there was a problem with the payments, so I was asked to leave.

Well, how how many classes did you take there, bro?

I took like uh I took like one.

Yeah, I was gonna say, I took like fucking seven classes.

Oh, boy, dude.

Oh, that's good.

No, and also all the sketches I was writing was, I was, uh, the way that was my big problem because, you know, my manager, my agent, when I started doing comedy, I got signed immediately because of my sneakers and my advanced age.

Yeah, yeah.

And they said, oh, this guy's going to be huge.

This guy's going to.

It's like a young Rogan, even though he's three years older than me.

Yeah, and they tried to give me writing jobs, but

I didn't know that

I'm illiterate.

Apparently, I don't know how to read or write.

I never thought about it.

You can't get in a writer's room.

Yeah.

So you you got to like, you got to, like, have you seen the movie Billy Madison?

No, I've never seen any comedy movie ever.

I don't know.

It's a movie, but it's about this guy who goes back to the movie.

Let me tell you something.

Comedy is my lifelong passion that I discovered at 57 years old.

But I can't name a single comedian that I don't do a podcast with.

Or that I'm not trying to get on my podcast.

Yeah, that I don't know anything.

Because Bobby Lee said, maybe.

I've never seen a single movie.

I can't explain how jokes work.

All I can do is talk about sneakers and add more numbers to another number.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no.

And the joke,

the joke is that I know how to count.

The joke is that I know how to count.

Well, counting is like reading numbers.

Counting is like reading of numbers, you know, bro.

So that's like you kind of do know how to read.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I tried, you know, because there's some guys, those New York guys, they're all like technicians, dude.

They're like surgeons.

They got poised.

They're like brain surgeons, dude.

And I was talking to this New York guy.

I think it was

I don't remember his name.

He's Elmo in Sesame Street.

Oh, Elmo.

Oh, New York guy.

New York guy.

Yeah, New York guy.

No, no, no.

He was a powerhouse New York comedy.

He's a real fucking guy.

Yeah.

And he was telling me that comedy's got this thing of rule of threes.

And I was like, hold on.

He said,

there's one,

and then there's two.

And you're telling me after that, there's

three?

Yeah.

And that's crazy.

That fucking blew my mind.

That's incredible, bro.

That blew my mind.

That's incredible, bro.

Because I I only know one or two.

Yeah.

And that is, am I fucking one girl tonight or am I fucking two?

And then he said to me, Well, when you fuck two girls at the same time, what's that called?

And I said, It's called a threesome.

And it was like, it was like your whole

meeting the Buddha.

Yeah.

You know?

That fact.

It was like when I met that Buddha,

he sexually molested me.

Craig Buddha molested me.

Shut up, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah, you just got to get that.

That's the thing, bro, is you just got to keep, you stay on a bit until you find a way to weasel in the thing you're not supposed to say.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I wonder if it's okay with Craig that we took that phone call.

Probably not.

I mean, you took the phone call.

I told him we were on the podcast, though.

I'll call him after.

We can beep it up.

Who are we even making fun of?

What is the last 20 minutes?

Who is that supposed to be?

It's like Schaub, maybe.

Are you familiar with him?

I don't know.

I don't really.

He's always getting into dramas.

Is that what's happening?

I always get DMs that are like, where do you stand on the new Shaw drama?

And I was like, I don't know what's.

I don't listen to podcasts, man.

But they're always like guys that fight and then get into comedy.

Is that what we're doing?

Or Chris Delia?

Is that what we're doing?

I think it's all of them.

It's all those guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a general impression I have of all of those podcasts.

Based on me not listening to one minute of any of those podcasts.

They just pop up and it's like they have sneakers.

It's all six guys in a sneaker thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then, yeah, I guess.

And if any of those guys that I just named have a problem,

you can come to New York.

They come to New York.

You can talk to the Sweater Brothers.

You can talk to the Sweater Brothers.

You're going to have to get through them to get to me.

And then you're going to have to get through Lord Beth Pimberg.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, those DMs.

Where do you stand on the new Brendan Shaw drama?

What is the new drama?

I don't know if they ever played it.

No, no, it's always like, it's like every six months I get like a DM from someone about that.

What are we doing?

I'm tricking the watch into thinking.

You're thinking you're exercising?

To thinking I'm standing up.

Well, you got a pack for Chicago?

No, I don't.

You know, I don't pack.

I fucking put two pairs of underwear in a backpack, and then I just buy clothes in the town.

You buy clothes every time you're on the road?

Well, I usually, because I hit the hotel gym, I go on the exercise bike, and I sweat so fucking much that.

Oh, you need new clothes.

Yeah.

You throw it out.

yeah I just throw I wear shit clothes and then I throw them out oh that's kind of a good way to refresh your wardrobe and then you have like a

a t-shirt of every city you've been in it's kind of like a kitchen magnet kind of thing yeah I just buy clothes at the gas station at the gas Chicago gas yeah Chicago gas and I donate you know donate the old clothes

those go to homeless people yeah

and then

you know

what else did what did you want to talk about do you want to try and squash the beef with any of the LA comedians that we just caused to...

Or Craig Buddha, perhaps?

No.

Well,

I don't know.

Maybe we should beef out his name.

I don't know.

But,

I mean,

he's like a real professional.

Honestly, he wouldn't care.

He's a film producer that we know.

But no, I welcome the beef.

I welcome the drama.

Okay.

You know, if people are DMing me about these dramas, I'm thinking, like, we need to get it.

What do you think the latest Shaub drama is?

I don't know.

That's a weird name.

Schaub.

Schaub.

It sounds fake.

Yeah, it does.

What ethnicity is that?

German?

It's German.

Maybe he's a German.

Maybe he's Jewish?

I don't know.

Schaub?

Charles Schwab?

Are you getting vibes from that?

No, I'm not getting vibes, dude.

He's one of the fighting guys, right?

They're all fighting guys.

They're all fighting guys.

Joe Rogan's a fighting guy.

Joe Rogan started that.

Yeah, Bobby Lee's just like...

Well, Bobby Lee's Korean.

Well, it's just like...

Well, Joe Rogan was the first fighting guy that that went into comedy, just like Aziz was the first wigger to do, the Indian guy to do a black voice.

And then there are now a million Indian guys

that do comedy that have a

speaking AAV.

Yeah.

So, if anything, like, it's a testament to the influence of Rogan.

Yeah.

You know.

Someone that could potentially be helping us out.

If he wants.

Are we still angling for that?

Oh, hundreds.

What are we angling for?

Well, we've got to go on and talk about monkeypox.

That's true.

Yeah, we should be the guys that are like, this is fake.

Gay people aren't real.

Gay people are fake.

This is just AIDS.

They're fucking.

They lost.

They had all of the attention because of AIDS.

Gay people love getting attention.

And then, because of Corona, then everybody had a disease.

So gay people are like, well, we want the attention.

We need our own.

We're being drama queens.

So they made up monkeypox.

They made it up for attention.

So, first of all, how come none of the supposed monkeypox, how How come we've never seen any of these people?

I've never seen one.

You're supposed to have like visible symptoms.

Yeah, only

it's only around the asshole, which it's not.

That's not how monkeypox works.

They say that it's anal lesions.

Anal lesions?

That's what I heard.

That's funny.

This is kind of like almost like a summer, like a southern kind of name.

Anal lesion.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is that what you're saying?

Yeah.

Like my.

This is my welcome to my plantation.

Chateau du Analygion.

Chateau d'Ain Chateau Analygion.

Yeah, that's good.

Chat A Analygion.

Analyze.

Analysion.

Yeah.

There you go.

Analysion.

The French Analysis.

Yeah.

Well, I used to spend my summers in the French Analysion.

Yeah.

The French Analysis.

It's a region of

southeastern Louisiana.

The Analesion.

The Analesians.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's like a little blister around your asshole that you get from a monkey.

From a monkey.

Believe it or not.

Yeah, I didn't come from no monkey.

That's what I say.

You think there's a redneck gay guy that's like,

I get this shit from.

Actually, you know what?

I just remembered.

That was like one of the first stand-up jokes I wrote.

Like a redneck gay guy finding out where AIDS comes from.

And he's like, hell no, I didn't come from no damn monkey.

I got this as punishment from God for being a fag.

I didn't come from no monkey.

Yeah, no one laughed at that.

They didn't like that.

No, yeah.

You were 16 years old.

Yeah, they never did well.

Yeah.

People were looking at their notebooks.

Well, I guess

what do you want to do?

You want to wrap up then?

We can wrap up.

Yeah, guys, this is,

you know,

what are our final thoughts?

Oh, yeah, final thought.

But this is just a production meeting.

It's a production meeting.

We're briefing about LA Comedy.

We talked to Craig Buddha.

You took a call to get the answer on this.

And that was a very helpful answer.

It was a very helpful answer because I've been just dead in the water with this insurance thing.

I have no idea how to do it.

That's kind of what we've been dealing with this week.

I have no idea how to get general liability insurance.

I don't know what it is.

I was just told I need it the day we were supposed to sign the lease.

Yeah.

And now

I don't know what it is.

No.

So I don't know how to ask for it.

And apparently everything I say is wrong.

Yeah.

So.

And you've

made a couple people cry.

I should call him as Tommy C.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yo, Craig, it's Tommy C.

here.

Craig, it's Tommy C.

Yeah, I need a general reliability insurance policy.

I have an idea for a business.

Yeah.

And it's Big Caesars.

So it's a pizza place, but there's even more.

You gave...

This guy's a killer.

Even more pizza.

Yeah, I'm doing a co-headwriting thing with Bobby Wee.

I'm opening it for Bobby Wee.

Me and Bobby Wee are co-heading writing.

We're doing a tour called The Eyelids of Comedy.

All right, folks, thanks a lot.

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