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Are we recording?

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Adam Friedland Show.

Politics.

Gossip.

Philosophy.

Philosophy.

We're adding philosophy to this show.

It's going to be a philosophy section.

Entertainment news.

Today on the Adam Friedland Show.

What the fuck?

Sorry, I had the

main page of the today on the Adam Friedland Show.

God damn it.

I wanted to do it.

I was just going to read through the New York Post headlines.

You can.

While the song was playing.

You can run it back.

Yeah, okay.

So, because I got to figure out that timing.

Just play the theme.

Should we start it over and then no?

Yeah, sorry.

It's fine.

We're figuring out the show.

So this part will play.

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Adam Friedland Show.

News.

Politics.

Entertainment News.

The Emmys.

Today on the Adam Friedland Show, a video shows the heartbreaking moment boat capsizes in the Hudson River, leaving two dead.

Oh.

An ex-con who went on the lamb thanks to soft on crime, New York City judge busted in Puerto Rico.

And a dad abandons his son, five, at school after discovering that he's not his father.

Yeah, in China.

In China news.

In China news.

In China news.

New York Post brings you.

His father has abandoned his son in school for five days.

New York Post reminding you that in case you think China good,

there's at least one bad father in in China.

Out of billions.

Yeah.

Yes.

After finding out that it was not his biological son.

Yeah.

Can you believe that?

That's like cracking open a cookie and you get somebody else's fortune.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I'm trying to open the Google Doc, the monologue.

I apologize.

Oh, that's my phone.

My phone.

I think maybe we need to find a sweet spot where I can prepare all the monologue jokes for you, but you don't have trouble reading them.

Yeah.

Because there's got to if we can find a way where well we need a teleprompter.

We need a teleprompter, but we need everything spelled out phonetically.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Especially these damn, you know what color names.

Do we got names in there?

No, we don't.

The news of the day.

The news of the day.

First.

The news of the day.

Day, day.

Day.

News.

News.

News.

Day.

Cool.

Nice.

Thanks.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show.

I'm your host, Adam Friedland, a South African man.

I'm your.

What?

Well, and I'm here.

And this is my producer and best friend, Nick Mullen, everybody.

Give it up for him.

Let's do an applause.

Thanks.

I don't know why they're laughing.

I don't have an applause.

There's only three buttons on the sound.

The laugh is like an applause.

Anyway, I can play the intro again or we can do the beep.

Yeah.

Once we got the.

Well, we'll tell people later, but we got surprising things coming.

We got a lot of surprising things coming.

Nick and I had a big two days.

We had a big two days.

And we're pretty stoked on it.

Honestly, for real.

I mean, for real, we're actually

going to do something fun and cool that we are genuinely excited about.

But before we get to that.

At the very least, we can promise you this: it'll be about the same quality as this, except it'll be way more expensive.

So expensive.

We're about to spend so much money.

We're about to spend all of our money a very funny amount of money

on doing basically what we already do for free with zero overhead.

Yeah, yeah.

A business that is constantly growing, that we have absolutely no reinvestment in over the last six years.

We are about to be a product.

A product that's been declining for years and just lost a third.

I mean, weight-wise, 50%.

Weight-wise, probably 75%.

Probably 75%.

Yeah.

But, okay.

But, anyways.

Before we get to that, the news, right, guys?

News of the world today, now.

A South African man isn't having a very good good day, mate, after drinking.

Let's try that again.

Just sorry, real quick.

But yeah.

A South African man.

What do you want to do?

Just real quick.

What do you want to do?

Do you want to just

write these, and then if it's going to be a struggle to read them?

Did I fuck that up already?

Yeah, you said that.

I said I said all the words.

You didn't fuck it up.

We'll work together and figure out how to make it more clear.

But it's the South African man.

You hear my words.

No,

okay.

So I don't want to

critique you on air.

Keep it going.

Oh, a South African man isn't having a very good day mate.

And so it's not, you read it as, a South African man isn't having a very good good day, mate.

I said good good day, mate?

Yeah.

Oh, that's bad.

Yeah.

That was a bad read.

Let's start from the top.

Okay.

Yeah.

A South African man isn't having a very good.

Oh, shit.

It's all right.

Because you said it was in my head.

Okay.

A South African man isn't having a very good day, mate,

after drinking an entire bottle of Jaegermeister and dying shortly thereafter.

The paramedics tried to revive him, but had trouble getting his blood alcohol percentage down under 0.20.

I think I grew into that one.

Yeah,

Jaegermeister

killing a South African.

That's probably the first time Germans killed, I don't know, something about

last time Germans were in Africa,

you know, I don't know, something about them being in the desert, it's dry.

The last German in Africa,

I thought you were making, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the Desert Fox.

Yeah.

Something about the North Africa campaign in World War II.

Yeah, that could be a good thing to put in there.

Well, you know, joke-wise, maybe that's, we could have gone that direction.

I think,

you know, relying on like wordplay if it's gonna be like a prompter issue,

you know.

A South African man isn't having a very good day, mate.

Yeah,

after drinking an entire bottle of Jaegermeister and dying shortly thereafter.

Yeah,

okay.

I see what you're saying.

Guys, we're practicing this, we're still in our test phase.

We're still practicing.

This is still practice.

It's also full disclosure, there's been a heat wave the last two days.

And Nick and I have been walking around Manhattan looking for commercial real estate.

And we found it.

And we did find it.

We found the perfect spot.

It is pretty sick.

It's going to be really sick.

This is going to be good.

So soon

we'll be not necessarily abandoning this format, but once the nuts and bolts stuff are done, we can really focus on

not starting the show and saying we'll figure out the Ernst Rommel connection on the fly.

No, no.

I mean,

we're staffing the fuck up.

We're going to have a lot of, you know, we're going to get the Sweater Brothers back in the

back in the writer's room.

A South African man isn't having a very good day, mate, after drinking an entire bottle of Jaegermeister and dying shortly after.

Yeah, that's good.

Jaegermeister,

the famous Nazi drink.

Jaegermeister, which means.

Jaegermeister once again making a splash in Africa.

Yes.

Germany once again making a splash.

Germany once again making a splash in Africa for the first time since the Desert Fox wrong with this.

This is the first time that a black person has died from shots not fired by the police.

Okay.

The first time a black person has been killed by shots that didn't come out of a police officer's gun.

Yes, that's true.

That would be good.

Kimmel would do that, I think.

Yeah, okay.

We've been watching a lot of Kimmel.

An African man isn't having a very good day, mate, after drinking an entire bottle of Jaegermeister and dying shortly after.

This marks the first time a black man's been killed by shots that didn't come out of a police officer's gun.

That's pretty good.

I guess

they shoot each other, too.

Yeah, what about

black shots on black shots crime?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a good question, Dick.

Yeah, the Black Lives Matter movement seems to be oddly silent after an African man drank himself to to death with the Agermeister.

Where's the

parade?

Where are the protests for that?

Yeah.

Protesting the man for killing himself.

In many ways, he is like the

guy's name, Derek Chaveen.

Yeah.

To his own

George Floyd.

What are their signs?

What do you mean?

What do they say?

What do the signs say of Black Lives Matter protest?

It'll be like the pro said, well, how about a Black Lives Matter protest for the guy that was killed by Jaegermeister?

Yeah.

And it's like, you know,

say his name.

That's one of the things they say.

Say his name.

Say his name.

Black Lives Matter.

What's something that's kind of.

Hands up, don't shoot.

Hands up.

Don't take another shot.

Don't take another shot of Jaeger.

Hands up, don't shoot that Jaeger.

Hands up, don't shoot that Jaeger.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

Hands up, don't shoot.

I can't breathe.

I can't breathe because I'm dead

from

drinking too much Jaeger myself.

From drinking too much Jaeger when it's

good.

Are you guys enjoying this at home?

I think.

Oh, yes.

Truth be told, I have no idea.

I'm enjoying it.

That's all that matters.

But people seem to hate when I have a good time.

No, people want you to have a good time.

I think the people dislike it when I have a good time, but they're not a good idea.

People like it when the show is about having a good time.

Yeah.

I mean, I tried.

Anyways, I'll try my best.

Jaegermeister.

Let's see.

Is there more content there?

The Jaeger Meister sign.

The Jaegermeister Black Lives Matter protest.

Uh-huh.

Black.

Well, there was a bar that got in trouble for Black Olives Matter.

What the fuck?

Who's drinking Jaegermeister?

That shit is disgusting.

The only time I ever had it was at a stripper's

birthday party, a retired stripper's birthday party.

Oh, she was retiring.

Yeah, it was this old lady with these long tits.

It's like that keep going.

Boom.

Yeah, yeah.

It's an old bitch with some long

titties.

I don't know.

David James in Austin booked me and Chris Cubis for it, and it was at their house in South Austin.

Yeah.

And it was just in the garage.

They did a set, and they had a spotlight for some reason, so it just blinded you while you stood at

eye level in the garage.

And the party had been all night, so we'd have just been getting fucking trash at this guy's house.

Yeah.

And I don't know, I barely remember the set, but I asked for a beer on stage, and somebody just threw it at my head, and it kind of just

bounced off my head.

Oh, like you got like a

concussion.

Like, dinged, and then I picked it up, and it had had created like a pinhole.

It was like spraying.

So it was spraying.

So that's all I remember.

It was kind of like your stone-cold moment.

Yeah, I almost died by Jaeger Meister.

I almost had the South African curve.

What are some other South African things?

Afrikaans.

Afrikaans of beer.

I have another

Afrikaans.

Afrikaans drive after drinking too much.

The guy said, I have Afrika.

Yeah.

I Afrikaan drive

after drinking an entire bottle of Jaegermeister because I'm dead.

Yeah.

A and see you later, folks.

He said, A and see you later, folks, after killing himself with Jaegermeister.

That's pretty good.

Tonight, 16 candles at 8 p.m.

on AMC.

Sorry, that just popped up on the TV.

Okay.

Sorry, folks.

We're getting way off track here.

I thought maybe we'd let you into the process.

The next couple of months, you're going to be.

If you sign up for the Patreon, we're changing the Patreon tiers.

In fact, I'll do it right now.

What are you changing it to?

If you go to patreon.com, for now it's still just patreon.com slash dumtown.

The former tiers are just.

We're changing them.

So let me see.

If someone gives us, we'll come up with a number.

No, the numbers are staying the same.

We're just changing the names.

No, no, but I have another idea.

If someone gives us

a certain number, they get like an EP credit on the show.

Like, their name will go into the credits.

Wait, what the fuck is this?

This is so funny, dude.

There's like this section on Patreon of like

manage and track what you give your patrons.

And this is like, it says I owe patron stickers to people.

I have no idea what this is.

Sorry about the stickers, guys.

Yeah, if you were to do a sticker.

Uh-huh.

Should I go back to the monologue?

So here we go.

Go back to that.

The premium episodes.

We're retitling that.

If you pay $5 a month, you're now a production assistant.

Yeah.

This is exactly.

I was on the same page here.

Production assistant.

Yeah.

Sorry, can you keep talking?

$10 a month, best boy.

Well, hold on.

Can you keep talking?

Well, I just.

Sorry.

Sorry, yeah.

Yeah, just, you you know what?

Zook, I'm changing the peers.

$5 a month production assistant.

We'll knock out the $15 one.

I don't know what the fuck the point of that is.

And the other one, there was never any really other tiers.

$5 a month, you get everything.

Yeah.

But maybe we'll do a higher-up one.

Like $10, $15.

And then you're an associate producer on the show.

Yeah.

You submit monologue topics.

Yeah.

And for $50 a month,

you then become an

executive producer.

What I'm thinking, for $50 a month, you become like a State Department liaison.

Oh, that's pretty good.

And

you can email in ideological direction for the show.

Yeah.

But it has to come from a.gov email.

Otherwise, we're discarding it.

Exactly.

And then for $300 a month,

Beijing, Paul at Borough,

then we'll take Chinese

ways to undermine the American episode.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

So if you want to incorporate Chinese communist propaganda or Chinese state-affiliated media for $300 a month, we'll put all we'll fill the show with all that bullshit.

We'll say Taiwan's not a country.

Like a video of a two-year-old that's like really good at cooking.

We'll edit out the thing we said in the New York Post about the China the Chinese dad that

found out that his son is a different Chinese.

No, yeah.

We'll get that rid of the story.

It didn't exactly whatever you want.

But again, it's got to come from a Chinese email.

But for now, we're just changing the name of this thing.

Yeah, it has to be like from.China or whatever the email is.

Should we go back to the monologue?

Yes, back to the monologue.

Sorry, but

it's not letting me change.

Okay, we'll figure that out.

We'll be able to do it.

Don't worry about it.

An alleged thief dressed as Spider-Man clubbed and robbed a woman after she requested a photo.

Sounds like

he Peter parked her ass in the emergency room.

Sounds like he Peter parked her ass in the emergency room.

That's pretty good.

And then we wanted a follow-up for this joke.

Yeah.

So Legit Thief dressed as Spider-Man, clubbed and robbed a woman.

Okay.

And police caught up to him and asked him why he did it.

Right.

And he said,

what is Spider-Man?

Great power comes great responsibility.

That's one line from that movie.

He does like a.

Yeah.

The assailant, they asked him why he did it, and he looked at them, and then it kind of like a stoned Tom Myers way.

Yeah.

Sort of.

Mary Jane made me do it.

And he was high on it.

He must have been a total pothead.

He was a pothead.

Mary Jane is also the girlfriend, I think.

Yeah, no, no, no, I got it.

Yeah, it was pretty good.

Mary Jane made me do it, man.

These are good jokes, man.

Yeah, dude, I love doing them.

These are good jokes.

This is a dream.

All right.

A Georgia woman has been left paralyzed after a cervical.

That is pretty funny.

After a cervical spine adjustment resulted in four sevens.

We stop this one and start over.

This one, try to nail, please.

All right.

You know, no pressure, but I think this one's fun.

Okay.

All right.

And

we're coming off hot after this spider.

You can't be like a dead cat.

A Georgia woman has been left paralyzed after a cervical spine adjustment resulted in four severed arteries in her neck.

This news is devastating.

Is a devastating blow to the Americans with Disabilities lobby as they had only just recently paved the way for mentally disabled people to become chiropractors.

Yeah, it's okay.

This is where I kind of wanted to just leave it as

Georgia Woman's been left paralyzed after visiting a chiropractor.

Cervical spine adjustment doesn't matter.

It's superfluous.

Well, I didn't want to repeat.

I have a thing about repeating words.

Yeah, in a two-sentence joke, you should repeat.

This Georgia woman has been left paralyzed after a neck adjustment resulted in severed arteries in her neck.

I didn't want to put that in there.

And then also, which fucked me up with this one is the Americans with Disabilities Lobby.

I didn't want to say mentally disabled again.

I wanted it to be a thing where they were.

Disabilities lobby and mentally disabled.

Yeah.

The problem is that all of the advocacy groups for mentally disabled people, they still have the old school names.

So the real ones are all like the the Association of Retarded Retards for America, America's Retarded Children and Mongoloid Moron.

They still have those names.

Yeah, they just they kept the acronym because they like the Ark is still called the Ark.

The Association of Retarded Citizens, but they got now it's just the Ark.

No way.

Yeah, it's half the McDonald's logo.

No way.

Yeah.

Well, that's if you learn something every day.

Yeah.

What was another direction we were talking about?

It was like, oh, the Lenny angle.

It's still the Lenny angle.

It's still a mentally disabled angle.

So you're going the Lenny angle, but you're not directly referencing the fact that

the mentally disabled chiropractor.

The Georgia woman has been left paralyzed after a cervical spine adjustment resulted in four severed arteries in her neck.

After interviewing the chiropractor, they interviewed the chiropractor and asked him what happened, and he said, you know, when are we going to pet the rabbits, George?

Yeah.

Some indication that it was a mentally retarded man that

snapped her neck.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, let's just

move on.

Look at the next one.

A mother has been shamed for putting her baby in heels on TikTok, but it was actually a viral marketing campaign for the new John Travolta and Kirsty Alley movie.

Look who's getting their penis cut off.

That's pretty good.

Alternatively, look who's taking hormones.

Look who's taking hormones, yeah.

Yeah.

A trans baby movie.

A lot of the yo listeners of this show are younger.

They are not familiar with Look Who's Talking,

which was a movie where they just

made a baby talk.

Could the adults hear it?

Or is it just the audience?

I think it was just babies talking to each other.

Oh, the babies could talk to each other.

Because the whole premise is the babies are being kind of sexually abused the whole time.

I thought the babies want to get Kirsty Alley Alley and John Travolta to fuck each other.

No, I think they voiced the baby.

They did?

I think so, yeah.

Oh, I thought they were trying to parent-trap the adults.

No, the parents are Tom Selick and

Paul Riser.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's two gay men.

It's Paul Riser and Tom Selick.

And the baby is voiced.

It's,

you know, we'll pull up the video.

Yeah

put it on look who's

look who's talking

I lost a fucking cord.

Yeah, look who's talking taking hormones now

Because it's talking and taking yeah, that's that's good, but look who's getting their penis cut off, I think is also very funny.

Yeah, it's I think it works.

I think but they both work.

Yeah, um, look who's talking.

Trailer.

Let's get to the bottom.

Let's check to the bottom of this, folks.

Because we don't remember.

Yeah, we don't quite remember.

Yeah, I don't really remember.

TriStar Pictures.

It's the most natural thing in the world.

Yeah, that's Tri-Star.

Yeah, try starring in a movie if you're a black person in America.

Yeah, that's true.

Especially those days.

They ain't got a single damn on the payroll.

That's true.

You know?

That's true.

Just a reminder: the show is a Democratic,

it's sort of a center-left.

Mainstream Democratic.

It's a center-left conservative, socially conservative, socially liberal,

Economically conservative.

Socially liberal.

What's it called where you're like liberal, but the second you're inconvenienced by anything, you become like a racist?

A Karen.

Sort of.

Yeah.

Like socially, where it's like,

you know, Black Lives Matter, like, as long as they keep their, they don't lean on.

Don't talk so loud.

Yeah, they're a little sh quiet.

Don't raise your voice.

The Black Lives Matter.

You're screaming at me.

Yeah, the Don't Interrupt.

You're scaring me.

The don't interrupt my viewing of the Yahya Sisterhood with loud questions or flapping your lips while you eat popcorn.

Yeah, that kind of.

Asking the theater manager to call the police.

Right, exactly.

Bringing your own laser pointer to shine at black women that are causing a problem in the movie theater, but otherwise...

you know, you watch the view.

Yeah, reporting them for bringing Tupperwares of their own food into the theater because it's not fair to you.

Because you wanted to do that, but you chose to follow the rules.

Yeah.

I guess the politics of the show are harassing black women with laser-pointer liberals.

If I had to describe it.

If that's the kind of politics that we have.

I think so, yeah.

We're very progressive.

You're right.

But we got 100-watt green dot lasers

that are NASA-type shit.

Yeah.

We're driving through.

We're driving near bad neighborhoods, and we're shining it recklessly in there.

And these laser pointers are not street legal.

Oh, yeah.

Let's be honest.

We got them off the dark web.

We bought them from a nerd.

We bought them from a real nerd.

We got these from a nerd.

These are nerds.

Yeah, we got them from a real nerd.

A real bitch-ass nerd.

You know what I'm saying?

What is today?

Today is Wednesday.

These ad reads really dried the fuck up in the middle of the summer.

I didn't book anything.

Oh, the ads are coming back, though.

Yeah, they do.

Starting in September, we're booked at the restaurant.

I mean, I think we might even kick them off the payroll because we're planning on some big, big,

big contracts.

Yeah, we'll go to the ad reads after the monologue.

Yeah.

That was funny.

The thing about the nerve.

That was pretty good.

No, I had fun with this.

Who did we buy this laser pointer from?

Peter Parker?

Yeah, we bought it from a fucking nerd.

Yeah.

Okay, let's go back to the monologue.

You got a little laugh in the monologue?

Yeah.

I thought this, how about the bl the Spider-Man criminal guy?

Okay, let's go back.

Yeah, it's like Peter Parker, more like Peter Rosa Parkser.

Rosa Parks, her ass in the hospital.

Rosa Parkser has in the hospital.

Yeah.

So should we run that from the top?

No.

No, I think that.

I was thinking, yeah.

What would Black Spider-Man be?

Venom?

Isn't that what Venom is?

He's Black Spider-Man.

I think he's just Spider-Man with a nasty tongue.

And a bad attitude.

Yeah.

I'd watch the movie.

I loved it.

I heard it was good.

Dude, yeah, I think I watched it when I had COVID or my eye was

real bad.

Oh, so you watched it with one eye?

Yeah.

Your perception was all off.

You know, sometimes when you're real vulnerable and it's kind of like

you just need some like, you need like comfort.

You want a little crap.

No, I watch Entourage.

That's what I need that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I just want that world.

Yeah.

It just feels nice.

The stakes could not be lower.

The webbed.

What do they call them?

The web crusader.

Yeah.

Oh, a woman was assaulted by a black Spider-Man, also known as the Dark Web.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's good.

After being beaten up by a black man dressed as Spider-Web, she said, Spider-Man, she said, oh, I now know why people are always complaining about the dark web.

I didn't know what that was until Black Spider-Man beat me up.

I think that's the one.

Yeah, now I know why people

are always complaining about the dark web.

Big one.

That's a big one.

Boom.

Yeah.

That's pretty good.

I'm liking these writers' room sessions.

Yeah.

She said, NFTs.

It's a new technology everyone's mad about.

What is that?

FaceTime for black people?

That's pretty good.

After being beaten up by a black man dressed as Spider-Man, a woman said,

what's NFTs?

FaceTime for black people?

What does that stand for?

FaceTime?

Yeah.

I see what you're saying.

But what would make getting beaten up make her think about NFTs?

Well, the dark web.

Okay,

yeah.

Now I see what you're saying.

Yeah.

Okay, so at first you're like, now I know why people are all up in arms about the dark web.

Yeah, exactly.

Or cryptocurrencies, but it's C-R-I-P-T-O.

Yeah, okay.

All right.

Yeah.

And

that woman would be racist.

That woman would be racist.

That woman would be full racist, not like the okay kind of racism where you, you know, you have bumpers, you have Obama bumper stickers, but you also got a couple of high-powered laser pointers.

Yeah.

Just

Just in case people need to be pointed out.

All right, let's get back to the news.

Okay.

Fox News host Jesse Waters is facing harsh criticism after suggesting the story of a 10-year-old rape victim's abortion was a hoax.

Waters' suggestion came shortly before a video surfaced of the young girl on the moon being raped by none other than Bigfoot.

Bigfoot himself.

Himself.

I think maybe we need to kind of maybe speed up the reads a bit.

Yeah, yeah.

Fox News host Jesse Waters is facing harsh criticism after suggesting the story of the 10-year-old rape victim's abortion was a hoax.

Waters' suggestion came shortly before video surfaced of the young girl on the moon being raped by none other than Bigfoot himself.

That's pretty good.

You know, something like that.

The 10-year-old girl had to travel to Indiana from Ohio to get the abortion after being raped last week.

Her mother was so horrified by the whole ordeal that she looked at the doctors and said, let's just do the 10-year-old also.

It's a messed up joke.

That's pretty messed up.

Okay, but

she didn't actually say that, folks.

Don't worry.

Oh, okay.

But the story turned out to be true.

Ohio police embarrassed doubtful Republicans after making an arrest in the case this week, taking 27-year-old Gerson Fuentes into custody.

Hey, Guillermo, is that guy a friend of yours?

Yes, Jimmy.

He is a friend of me.

He is my friend because we are both

Spanish.

We are both Spanish.

We're getting Guillermo on the show.

We're getting Guillermo.

That's what we were talking about.

We wanted to save it just for the Patreon subscribers.

If you go to patreon.com slash Cometown,

you can sign up, and we wanted to save it as a big surprise for the Patreon subscribers, but we got our own Guillermo.

That's what me and Adam have been doing over the last two weeks.

It's not our own Guillermo.

It is the Guillermo from the show.

Indistinguishable from the Jimmy Kimmel show.

He says it's not his name, but I'm pretty sure he's lying.

And once we have that, basically basically every monologue joke, you can just bail to tiny Mexican guy.

Isn't that right, Guillermo?

Yes, it's a very joke that I am tiny from Mexico.

Yeah, yeah, it's funny.

It's quite funny.

So

when you do the joke and it's just about you say, Donald Trump,

what if fuck is this guy

doing?

And the joke is just being incredulous.

Yeah.

You just look at Guillermo and say, hey, Guillermo, would they let this fucking cocksucker run the taco truck?

Right.

And I say, no, they wouldn't.

And that's what the audience wants.

It's like a dechuy on Chelsea.

Sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Well, that's it for the monologue for this week.

I feel like the monologue was a little hotter this weekend.

No, that we didn't have a monologue.

We were just working through it this weekend.

Oh, that was way better.

I think so.

I liked your Burning Man joke.

Oh, thanks, man.

Yeah, that's one Burning Man festival where, what was it, a woman wouldn't get raped?

Maybe.

That was pretty good.

I don't know.

You know what I mean?

My brain is set up always on to the next thing.

Yeah, that's true.

You know, you get it out, move on to the next thing.

Let's throw it away.

Let's throw it away.

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Look, so what are the topics for the show?

We've got to have segments.

So, after the.

I thought you were doing a read for an ad.

No, that's the.

Oh, yeah, I guess we should do that.

I thought it was an Amazon Prime.

No, no, no.

Sorry.

It's not Prime Day.

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Sorry.

GetSuperleaf.com is...

I'm sure, let me see now if they have just fucking weed.

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well then what does uncompromised mean?

Uncompromised means that they'll never cut corners.

They're principled in getting your natural

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Yeah,

it could mean that too.

That kind of compromise.

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But it's uncompromised.

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Osama bin Laden has been uncompromised to a permanent end.

I'd like to get Osama that pussy.

That's from the ad read.

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Where are you going?

You stuck or something?

Untangling my cord.

Kratom tablets, I guess it's the powder pressed into tablets.

And kratom tea bags.

Yeah.

So you can make the tea.

You could dip it in your friend's mouth.

Now, they sent me this stuff.

We've used it.

It will.

I don't know what you're allowed to say.

Nick kind of lost a week.

I lost more than a week.

Was it two weeks?

It was a lot of time.

It was kind of an in-the-couch kind of situation.

Oh, yeah.

It was a nice week.

I guess.

I don't know.

I mean, yeah, it felt good, but

I'm surprised this is legal, but it is.

Yeah, they got it.

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They got wholesale.

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So you can

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And you use promo code ComeTown or Come Town20.

We're going to try and get those promo codes changed over to the Adam Friedland Show.

Yeah.

Or

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Come Town or Come Town 20 is the promo code, and you either get 20% off or like free shipping or something on your first order.

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And if you don't become horribly addicted, good.

But I'm telling you, this stuff is.

If you're, I don't know what we're allowed to suggest it for, but it definitely works.

You know, it works at that.

Yeah.

It's a leaf.

It's from Indonesia.

And it does

it.

And it does it well.

And we're back.

Yeah.

Damn, love that song.

Okay.

So the monologue is over, folks.

We're back.

It's the back end of the episode, the second half.

We got to figure out segments.

So

the top of the show.

Were we doing that before the monologue or after?

We typically would do a show introduction where we'd present a theme.

Yeah, so did you pick one for this week?

No,

I don't think we did.

It's a heat wave, folks.

We're cooking out in New York City.

91 degrees, 120% humidity.

It's hotter than it's been since last summer.

And it only means one thing.

The climate is changing with a vengeance.

Some might call it

a double puberty.

The climate is reaching puberty, and its hormones are out of control because it's becoming both genders at once.

Mother Mother Nature is becoming Mr.

Lady Nature.

Imagine not just one, not the angry part of one gender, but both.

Imagine a child.

A worst part.

A 6'4 man,

former Navy SEAL on their period.

And that's what's happening to the environment.

But guess what?

It's not by choice.

Nope.

This is something that we're doing to it.

We've been raping it.

Not we're raping.

We're changing the gender of Mother Nature forcibly.

Actually, you know what?

A more lib way to put it for the show is that we're denying Mother Nature the precious hormones it needs to stay a woman.

And it's reverting back to its natural...

It keeps regrowing its testicles

and is reverting back to its masculine, fucked up nature because

the SRS pills are being intercepted by our carbon emissions.

That's right.

So today on on the Adam Friedland show,

we're taking it to the streets and we're putting the responsibility on you, individuals, what you can do to stop climate change.

Individually.

Because it's your responsibility.

It's not anybody else.

Just like coronavirus, that's your fault.

If you get it, that's your fault.

I don't know if we can mention that.

What's that?

I don't know if we can mention that.

Oh, we can't.

We can't mention the virus anymore on this show.

Just take that back.

Say, I take it back.

I take it it back, folks.

Yeah.

Look, society is about shared responsibility.

Actually,

I'll let me guide you through this because

the show topic is going to be climate change and what you can do about it.

How it's your fault.

Right.

Yeah.

And what you can do about it.

No, not you, but like you're the audience.

And so, like, this is going to be thing.

Because sometimes we want to have like you, you're going to have like a fun relationship with the audience, but sometimes you're going to have to get tough, especially on social social issues.

Yeah, like

episodes like you know how you know what people love?

You know how Howard Stern now, like he does this thing where he's like, I got a hundred million dollars and I've been living in a bunker for the last 25 years.

Right.

And all of my food is delivered to me through like a slot.

Yeah.

You know, everything else, there's a microwave that cooks me my Amy's cuisine meals and it's delivered to me through a slot.

Yeah.

Through a through a hand.

Yeah.

That's got six latex gloves on it.

Exactly.

And no one's allowed to contact me or look at me.

And And I have a robot butler.

You know, yeah.

I've got Rosie from the Jetsons, and I fuck her, and she

fuck her, and then she cleans my penis for the duster after.

I'm that guy.

That's me.

That's his life now.

That's Howard Stern.

But also, he's going to tell society what we need.

Yeah.

Because he's more in touch with the people.

He's going to give the hard truths.

Yeah.

He's going to.

So that's what we want from you.

So imagine you're Howard Stern, the most beloved entertainer in America.

Yes.

Nobody could ever criticize.

Behind us, probably.

Yeah.

Everyone, you know,

you're Howard Cern.

You wake up every day.

You know that literally everyone loves you.

They think of Howard Stern, and

in your mind, it's still 1993.

Oh, yeah.

You're the king of all media.

The king of all media.

Everyone thinks you're the one

87-year-old grandma that's cool.

You're like if the rapping grannies were real,

you know,

and now you're not, but now it's time to get real.

Yeah.

And

let people who enough small penis competitions.

You know,

let's grow up for a second.

Yeah.

Enough like making a woman compete for breast enlargement surgery.

You know.

Now it's time for Adam to get real and let these climate bastards, these bastards.

I'm fucking hot.

This one's.

Yeah.

I'm hotter than the hot outside.

Yeah.

I'm tight.

Exactly.

You're hot.

You're angry.

You're pissed off because you've got to keep the AC running all the time.

Yeah.

Because some greedy piece of shit in Cleveland.

Some boomers.

Yeah.

Some piece of shit has to drive to his job instead of being carried there by production assistants.

Yeah.

By rickshaws.

Yeah.

By rickshaw person.

By white rickshaws, by the way.

By white rickshaws.

We have a rickshaw that takes Adam to the set, and every day we hire a new white person to do it and then fire them for cultural appropriation as soon as we're going to be.

I would never hire a minority to be my slave.

No.

No.

No.

That would be inappropriate.

We only hire black people.

We have a fake position at the company called Boss.

Yeah.

Where we hire black people for that.

Yeah.

B-A-W-S.

Yeah.

B-A-W-C-E.

Yeah, BOSS.

Yeah, BOSS.

And we hire, and

so every black person that works for this company is technically the boss.

On the masthead.

Yeah.

They're above us.

Right?

Yeah.

I mean, they don't have any say over any of the topics on the show.

They have a lot of say.

I mean, I don't know, by the way.

Yeah.

Basically, we kind of just give them the office and the nameplate.

Is that what you want to do?

No, that's not.

It's your call.

I mean, I don't.

I don't.

I was just kidding.

Oh.

I don't want to really actually do that.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, it's inappropriate.

Should we hire any minorities?

Of course.

Okay.

You want me to check them out first to make sure that they're not going to

be a problem?

Like a background check?

Yeah.

You know, make sure they've never, let's say, gotten the Spider-Man costume, per se.

Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe give them like a lie detector.

Mm-hmm.

You know.

Does that work on that?

Maybe do a 23andMe to make sure they're not lying about kind of a Dole-Zoll situation.

Oh, yeah, that'd be interesting.

Did they ever give Rachel Dolezol a lie detector test?

No, I don't think she ever agreed to it.

Yeah.

But

they gave her a 23 in me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what came back?

No.

Ghana.

Ghana?

No.

Yeah.

I'm going to look that up.

I'm gonna see if that's true or not.

Have you seen that?

Did you hear about the African guy that drank too much Jaegermeister?

It turns out he's a Ghana.

Because he died.

He's a Ghana.

He's a Ghana.

Yeah.

That's kind of like an old Borschbelt kind of.

Turns out he's a Ghana.

He's a Ghana.

A 10-year-old girl had to travel to Indiana from Ohio to get the abortion after being raped last week.

Her mother was so horrified by the whole ordeal.

She looked at the doctors and said, let's just do the 10-year-old also

you know what I'm thinking you've been giving me good direction on the monologue sure I'm thinking who does the best monologues right you we were watching fall not yet we're watching fallon yeah but you can see it there's potential there there's you can see it's fine thank you i appreciate it there's this is you know i see talent and i know talent no you are a talent evaluator and i look at you and i say this is a guy who's just he needs to get out of his own way you are riding my ass straight to the top, and I appreciate that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, you know, we've been watching a lot of late-night talk shows, trying to figure out how to do a monologue.

We saw Anthony Anderson filling in for Jimmy Kimmel.

Yeah.

Kind of not very good.

Anthony Anderson filled in for Jimmy Kimmel last night.

Yeah, not very good.

Raising questions as to where Jimmy Kimmel is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, where is he?

In Israel, perhaps?

With

President Biden, who's now doing a damage control tour, trying to convince Israelis that they haven't completely lost the war of hearts and minds in America.

Yeah, they're still in charge.

Yeah.

Don't worry.

You guys still run the whole damn country.

It's only a very small percentage of Democrats that know that this is a genocidal apartheid state.

Yeah, it's true.

Yeah.

But we are a mainstream

center-left talk show, so we appreciate everything the president's doing over there.

All of our weapons-grade laser pointers were built by the state by the Israeli tech company.

They have incredible tech.

Yeah.

Very.

Oh, you want to boycott Israel?

Well, then maybe you should boycott Desert Eagle guns, weapons-grade laser pointers,

computer viruses that get stolen from the government somehow and used to.

So your credit is.

Oh, you don't like, you want to boycott Israel?

Why don't you boycott your identity being stolen by

Mossad software

and your entire retirement, you know,

whatever.

No, no, I think you got your point across.

I got my point across.

And the worst hummus in the grocery store.

I don't know.

The hummus is pretty good.

That's the thing.

I don't understand why.

Sabra.

It's the fucking BDS thing.

They pick the only good things Israel.

It's pretty sick.

Yeah.

Exactly.

You can have soda at home.

All their exports are like fucking weapons or computer viruses.

We are not processing those.

Yeah.

or like, yeah, or fucking.

No, it's again.

It's like, you know, it's like...

Seltzer.

We're processing seltzer.

My job, my job.

The way social change is going to happen is if me personally, or you, the regular working man, makes changes to your already bullshit life.

That's right.

That's right.

While fucking Howard Stern takes a private jet to Israel to,

you know, go do his fucking Borschpell comedy for the SodaStream Factory

CEO.

I heard he killed, though.

He did.

Yeah.

I heard he got the whole whack back.

Kevin Sorbo's over there.

What?

Kevin Sorbo's.

Yeah.

That was that video that Nick Sorelli.

How do you pronounce it?

I don't think it's Sorelli.

Chirali.

Yeah, Chirai.

Chira.

It's Italian.

It's Chirao, Chira.

Chirella.

Chiraya.

Cherezo?

Chorizo.

Hey, Guermouth, what do you think about that?

You say that

his name sounds like that.

Anyway, the topic of the day, climate change and what you can do about it as an individual.

Right.

Well, I just want to go back to what I was saying about monologues, right?

So we've been watching all these professionals doing it, and we're learning things.

And I think you got to ask yourself who's the best at doing it, right?

It's not me yet.

I'm going to get there.

And I appreciate all the feedback you've been giving me.

But really, who's the best in the business is Mr.

Bill Maher, right?

And the reason he's that good is because there's like a smugness to it.

Yeah.

That I'm really, I don't have the confidence to pull off yet.

But I'm working towards just being a real, that shit-eating.

What we want is Bill Maher with Guillermo.

Bill Maher with Guillermo.

Yeah.

And he's saying,

you know.

Democrats are getting their panties in a knot over the January 6th Commission.

See, that's the best in the biz right there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Their panties in them.

They're getting

their raped panties in a knot over the January 6th Commission.

I'll tell you what I'd like to abort is this entire kangaroo court.

Yeah.

The entire Republican Party.

Yeah.

What is Bill Maher saying about the January 6th?

Does he have an opinion on the January 6th?

Oh, he probably thinks it's,

you know.

He thinks it's bad.

They're bad.

Yeah, probably.

I watched his special with Brandon Wardell.

He was in town.

We watched the first 15 minutes, but the whole thing is called Hashtag Adulting.

And the whole thing is railing against

these phone-obsessed tick-tocking millennials, right?

And

the funny thing is that

he doesn't realize that Generation Z exists.

And millennials are already 55 years old at this point.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And like literally,

he's 75 years years old and that's like the youngest person he can yeah imagine.

Oh Jesus.

It was just Eid al-Aha.

Adha.

I forgot.

It was Eid.

Yeah.

Yeah it's the end of Ramadan, the feast.

Al-Adaha.

Yeah.

So

Eid Mubarak to all of our

Muslim listeners.

I'd like to Eid

some pussy.

I guess.

Yeah.

That seems like older format.

Yeah.

Let's do it smarter.

Okay, guys, climate change.

What you you can do is go back to climate change.

I think Adam, just if we could get you more fired up, you're angry.

Or do you care about climate change?

Do you give a shit or it's just hot out and you want to be mad at somebody?

Because that's kind of what caused slavery, I feel.

Oh, that was too hot in the South.

Well, yeah, it's the South.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

That you take the heat away.

I mean...

They would have paid those guys.

Yeah, climate change caused slavery, basically.

So

in a lot of ways, climate change itself is racist.

Think about where it gets area gets the hottest, Africa.

Okay.

And so anytime when the temperature, average temperature goes up one degree,

in Africa, it's going up to, you know, I mean.

150, 160.

Yeah, it's probably 200 degrees outside in Africa.

I think about the Africans a lot.

That's why they're so dark.

Come on.

No, I mean,

this is stemming from my same understanding of uh climate change.

Yeah.

The more they get more sun.

They have more uh melan in their skin.

Sure.

All right.

You don't care about climate change.

No, I do.

I mean, I c I care about climate change.

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

No, I want to have kids.

You know,

I what what kind of earth are they going to?

So that that's okay.

Maybe that's our angle here.

You're not going to be able to get a child.

What about the children?

Yes.

What about are the kids all right?

Are the climate change kids all right?

You know, who's not all right?

Is that five-year-old that's been left at school for six days in China

because his father realized that wasn't his son?

Yeah, poor kid.

Yeah, what do you think he's doing at that school?

Just sitting there, probably learning Chinese.

I'd imagine learning more Chinese.

Yeah, learning even more Chinese.

Getting even better at Chinese.

Yeah, yeah.

Our kids are, what, just fucking walking around getting abortions, traveling state lines to get abortions.

Abortions, roadblocks.

Meanwhile, those kids are learning more and more Chinese every day.

And we got nothing on it.

It's true.

That's the future.

That's true.

Yeah.

Those kids over there.

They're Chinese

on a 12th grade level.

Oh, my God.

In elementary school.

How could we compete?

Yeah.

And he doesn't even know.

I'll tell you what we need to do.

Here's how we solve the crisis of the kids not being all right, mainly due to climate change.

We open the borders.

We get a bunch of 5-foot-one Guatemalan guys.

Guillermos.

We get Guillermos and we pretend they're 10-year-old children.

Okay.

Yeah.

I think that's a good idea, Himi.

Himy.

He likes it.

Guillermo.

Hemi, Daddy said, good idea.

Thanks, Guillermo.

Thanks, Guillermo.

Yeah.

So we get a bunch of Guillermos, and we just fill the elementary schools with Guillermos.

And, you know, I mean, they're reading, they're fucking writing, they're speaking English in a funny way.

Yeah.

And on top of that, they got a nice little mustache and a bow tie.

Yeah.

And they're pretty fucking good at trumpet.

I would have liked to be a Guillermo.

Show me a Chinese Guillermo.

Show me one.

Where's the Guillermo?

Where he is there?

They don't have that.

They don't.

Yeah.

It's absolutely true.

What the fuck do they have?

Yeah, just guys that are good at Chinese.

Yeah.

That's very funny, Weixing.

It's very true how you say that he's not your son.

Wow, he's he knows.

That's Chinese Guillermo.

It doesn't exist.

There's no way to do it.

Okay.

Maybe he's a Uyghur.

A Uyghur?

Yeah, their Chinese Guillermo is like a Uyghur that they force to be, you know, a 5-foot-1 Uyghur.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would imagine their

gear mas would be like Malaysian or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, what are you passionate about this week relating to climate change?

What's got you fired off?

What are your thoughts this week?

What have you been emotional about?

Walk us through your day.

I don't know.

I got mad at my girlfriend.

What do you well, maybe a little avoid personal stuff?

No, I cleaned

for like six hours and she barely seen anything.

Like the, the, the, she's mad at you for not cleaning?

I cleaned for six hours.

Yeah.

Which is something you can do to fight climate change.

Yes.

Yeah.

Clean your room.

That's what I was doing.

Yeah.

That's what I was doing.

And she was just like, it looks good.

Yeah.

What looks good?

She said the house looks good, but that was basically all I got.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I thought I was going to get pussy immediately.

You don't just take it?

Do you take mods?

No, I try to fucking.

I try.

Okay, I've been like going on on the internet and there's this thing called acts of service uh uh uh maybe episode next episode topic of the day spousal rape

hot topic right now you know yeah highly contested yeah is it does it exist yeah is it a real thing or is it anti like a kind of an anti-religious sort of anti-Islamic

or are the girl can girls do it can girls rape yeah Yeah.

Well, can girls rape?

I think women can do whatever they put their mind to.

I agree.

Yeah.

I agree.

I think we can get a woman to be the bouse of this show.

We should find the woman to set her up with

a job as the bouse.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's a bouse.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're definitely going to get a bouse.

She's going to get mad at us.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's going to be like a female version of the angry black lieutenant in a cop movie.

Well, let's stay on this and let's find

something you're passionate about.

Well, I was saying, you know, it's unfair to the kids.

I was saying

it's unfair to us.

It's so hot outside.

I was saying that

parts of the earth are going to be uninhabitable.

You're sending text on here.

I had to respond to something work-related.

What do you mean?

This is our job.

Yeah, I know, but we're going to.

We're going to.

It's related to us?

But yeah.

Business stuff.

What is it?

It's going to go.

Okay, so get fired up.

We got to get the energy.

Okay, all right.

Wait, wait.

Folks, we're here.

The audience is watching.

We got a studio.

Okay, so I'm going to.

They're all in studio.

We can't fall asleep.

I know it's hot out.

You want to fall asleep?

Yeah.

We only have two hours of work.

We have to do a week.

So let's stay fired up.

We've been working full days, Nick.

Don't put it like this to them.

Okay.

No, I mean me.

I mean, I got to stay fired up.

I don't mean you.

You're fucking right.

I'm fucking fucking right.

Okay, listen.

I'm fucking cheesed off.

If you're low energy, it's because I'm low energy.

Here's the thing.

You are just,

you are, you are, you are.

I gotta get fired up.

You need a base.

You need me and the black bouse to be underneath you.

Like, get up.

Stamping me up.

Yelling you up.

Yeah, yeah.

Telling them, God damn it, freak land.

Exactly.

God damn it, freak land.

You better get there.

You better get your ass.

Get on that camera and make Guillermo care about climate change.

You gotta tell Guillemo's ass.

In a way that's gonna tell scare his ass so his little Mexican bow tie spin around like a fan.

You gotta tell him a new asshole.

So go into Guillermo.

Okay, so Guillermo.

Listen, here's the thing.

When the temperature goes up, guess what else goes up?

And

the ice cream.

Ice cream says.

Ice cream goes up.

Yes, but what else goes up?

They sell Yes, Italian ice goes up.

What else goes up, Guillermo?

The popsicles they surpass.

Okay, popsicles too.

But what else?

What is a trend?

A societal trend that coincides with rising temperatures?

Inflation.

Okay, well, no, that's not technically.

I think it's because the gas or something.

I have no idea what it means.

More emails from Hunter Biden's laptop.

I don't know if that has to do with the weather.

Here's the thing.

We find out he does even more with his penis and crack.

He has that.

Guillermo.

And the hotter it gets, the more Fox News says that Hunter Biden, we see his penis.

Yeah, it's going to be he has to take off more clothes.

No, no, Guillermo, ride with me on this, okay?

Look, follow me.

Let me grab your hand.

Yes.

Okay, when the temperature goes up in American cities and all over this country and all over the world, crime goes up.

What kind of crime?

The Spider-Man crime?

Spider-Man solve violent crime.

So you say that climate change makes black people do more crime?

It's not only black people.

White people do crime too?

Definitely.

Do you think maybe that the reason crime goes up when

it is hot is because it reminds black people that they are not in Africa?

No, that's not.

No, that's not what I'm saying.

They get mad because they're not.

No, no, no, that's not what I'm saying.

They get mad because they have been stolen and they remember.

No, that's not what I'm saying.

And they're saying, damn, I could be an I was supposed to be somewhere else.

No, that's not that.

Come on.

What I'm saying is there's a statistical correlation between a rise in temperature and a rise in crime.

So if we want to keep our city safe, we want to keep our loved ones safe from Spider-Man, Elmos.

We have to get black people air conditioning.

No, it's not about.

It's not about.

Well, maybe I don't know

we have to buy ice cream for black people.

Well, ice cream would be nice, so we're going to fight climate change.

I mean, ice cream for everyone.

Everyone loves ice cream.

Yay.

But the real.

You're talking about the symptoms.

You're not talking about the root cause.

The root cause here.

I love The Simpsons.

I love the dog about The Simpsons.

I love the Bumblebee Man.

He has.

Because he has the Guillermo of The Simpsons.

That's true.

I guess because if you think The Simpsons they are Chinese because they are yellow, then Bumblebee Man is will be the Guillermo of China.

That you you God damn it, why do we think of that?

Because you didn't ask me.

Because you paid me

about you.

Nick didn't know who the Guillermo of

you kidnapped me from my job.

Oh, so you're not Guillermo Rodriguez from the Jimmy Kimball show?

No, I'm Gu Guillermo, Castoro, Pinera, Dominguez, y Salveción, de Delicias, y Scrimo,

Dashboard Confessional, Rodriguez,

Marinera.

Really?

Is my full name, yes?

Oh, so you just have the same first name?

I have the same first name, yes.

I don't know.

And we have

more than one.

We have the same height and the same number of years belong to us.

And the same mustache.

We have the same.

We belong we are we belong the same mustache.

You you have the same years.

We have the same belong years in life.

Yeah.

To me b I have belong to to me there is f forty three years that belongs to me in my life.

And that is the same as Guillermo Jimmy Kimo.

Uh-huh.

But I am I'm

But you're not even a man.

You're just a woman with a mustache.

I'm Guillermo Taylor Thomas

Victoria Coupe de Ville Ice Creamo

Dashboard Confessional Marinera.

Is that a Spanish name?

I forgot about that, baby.

Yes, that is my name.

Dashu Dashboard Confessiones.

It was my name for my my confirmation.

Yeah.

Yes.

Because

the church in my town was just a 1993 Fort Torres.

So the confession,

the whole town would be able to fit in the car.

Oh, it's like a it's a I didn't realize it was a new Catholic thing.

Yes, and you would we would go to go to the confession, you would be you go into the glove box

because I could fit in the glove box

in the priest.

Oh, that's like the confessional booth.

That's where the name comes from.

And the band.

The band is

hostic coincidence.

Really?

Yes.

Have you ever listened to the music of the band?

No, I only listen to

a Waltz version of the Super Mario Bros.

video game music.

Really?

Yes.

Don't worry.

Yes.

That's pretty badass.

I've never played Super Mario Bros.

but I have

all of the tattoos of the characters.

Yeah.

Uh yeah.

Why where I where'd you g why?

Because I thought they were I thought it was uh Guillermo's.

I thought it was my uncle.

You thought it was other his name was Guillermo as well?

I thought it was my uncle who was beaten to death by chihu chihuahuas.

By the dog.

The government shi the government sent chihuahuas into the town to bite.

Oh, it was it in the chihuahuas.

They they call it the state.

The Baiting Massacre.

The Biting Massacre.

Everybody was beaten.

They got beaten by the Chihuahuas.

Yes, the government, they sent them into the town.

Really?

Because we did too much magical realism.

Yeah.

Because my grandmother, she laid down and butterflies came out of her pussy and painted a rainbow that represents

right-wing fascism as sponsored by the United States government.

I love Latin people, especially big booty Latinas.

But they gotta stop believing in ghosts.

They gotta stop believing in ghosts.

That's what Hispanic women can do to fight climate change, is they can stop believing in ghosts.

Yes.

Okay.

Okay, we I think we got something.

Because a big part of that is Santa Ría.

So all of the candles, if you consider the carbon emissions from all of the candles being lit by

superstitious Mexican women, that they are probably the number one contributor to climate change.

And therefore.

So it's up there with the auto industry.

Yes.

well number one

impoverished mexican women lighting candles so they should be in jail yeah for starters first off or at the very least forced to buy teslas yes i agree i agree oh to offset the climate yeah that's right carbon they should be they should be it should be illegal to drive whatever the car they have now and they should be forced to buy cars made by companies that are subsidized by the united states government yeah it's true that's true that'll show their asses Yes.

What else?

I don't know, Guillermo.

I mean,

do you want to be our Guillermo on the show?

I mean, I kind of, we kind of, Nick and I kind of, you know, like in the movie Borat.

I would like to be returned to work.

Yeah.

In the movie Borat, where they put the bag over Pamela Anderson and they tried to get married to her.

We kind of, Nick and I kind of did that to you.

That's right.

While you were at work.

Because we thought you were the Guillermo from the Jimmy Kimball show.

Yes.

You dressed up in an Elmer Fudd costume and said, be very quiet.

I am hunting Guillermos.

Yeah, it's true.

And nobody laughed at it, but you kidnapped me.

Yeah.

It wasn't very funny.

Well, there's not a lot of things that are very funny on this show yet.

What are you talking about?

We're going to have to work it out.

We're going to get it together, baby.

Number one is we have to get air conditioner.

Dude, it is funny.

That's so that the boss we hire doesn't have a violent episode.

It's true.

Violent crime goes up

when the heat goes up.

When the heat temperature goes up, the boss comes out of her office and she starts going, girl.

I'm about to get violent.

Yeah.

And then she scientists call it the girl index, right?

Is that what they call it?

Yeah.

You know, it's funny that because they used to call it El Niño.

Yeah, they did.

That's how they used to blame climate change.

They used to just say, actually, it's just Mexico.

It's some little boy Mexican thing.

It's one little one.

One little boy.

Luckily, now we have white liberals to let us know that it's actually black women's fault.

It's black.

Yeah.

El Baos.

Okay, I'm back.

Moving on to the next segment.

Donating to a cause.

That's going to be a big thing here.

Really?

Yeah.

So you're going to wanna you're gonna find like a

they're like a climate change thing.

Yeah.

You're gonna force other people

We're not gonna donate shit ourselves.

No, no, no.

We're gonna find other people.

We're gonna we're gonna tell the audience they got to donate their money to some kind of climate change thing.

Yeah.

And then what are we going to do for them?

Nothing.

What do you mean?

We're not going to do it.

No, we look like good guys for directing people.

If we're making other people spend their money.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah.

And we're raising money and awareness.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So the donation segment.

Okay, that'll go in the show.

Show progress update.

Dream analysis.

I think we should bring that back.

We can bring that back for that.

That kind of has to happen organically.

Yeah.

Maybe the smart move would have been to end it with Guillermo asking you questions.

We could have done that.

Dream.

Have you ever had a fever dream?

Yeah, I certainly have.

Have you?

Yeah.

What was the what was the what was the fever dream?

I mean, I don't know.

It was

and I woke up.

I had a fever.

What was the fever?

102.

But

what was the dream, I guess?

I don't remember.

Okay, great.

Dream analysis over.

The dog mauling segment, that was pretty good.

People like that.

We should have a more animal-related

animal thing.

I can't stress this enough.

This show is not going to work unless there is more animal stuff.

Yeah, we have to have animals come on the show.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And different types of animals.

Maybe we can get the pangolin that started.

Remember in the past, we'd maybe do something like,

which animal do you think has the biggest prickadillo?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, we'd say something like that, and then we'd go,

animal, biggest dick.

Yeah, we would look that up.

And then maybe one of us would say, like, now,

do you think it counts if the animal itself is big?

Or do you think the ratio of dick to animal is big?

We'd really break it down scientists.

And then we'd look up, you know, something that, you know, we'd look up an article about animals' biggest penis.

Yeah.

And then we'd say that.

And then we'd find a video of a walrus blowing himself at a sea roll.

And then we'd be like, no way, that's crazy.

Yeah, but we're going to be mature with animals on this show.

That's not the kind of stuff we're going to do.

We're not going to have an animal come on the show and ask to see its penis.

What we're going to do is

we're going to get Dr.

Fauci on and ask him why he put those beagles in.

Allegedly.

Allegedly.

I guess that's not true.

That's like a hoax story.

Wait, the dog thing is a hoax?

For the purposes of not violating the YouTube community guidelines.

True.

Not true.

Dr.

Fauci has never done anything but good stuff to protect us from

a natural virus that was not.

Come on.

You can't.

We can't.

I can't say what.

You can't say it sarcastically.

I'm not saying it sarcastically.

Yeah, you are.

I'm sorry.

You feel that way.

You got sarcasm in your voice.

I don't have sarcasm in my voice.

Say it confidently.

From a natural virus.

It is a natural.

Say it confidently.

It is a virus that came from a Chinese person eating a pangolin.

And that is the official story.

Yes.

And it came from a wet market.

And we're sticking to it.

And

that's real.

And any story to the contrary, you're a racist, fascist, and you deserve to be in

jail.

You should be for having the wrong opinion.

Regardless of whether, if more information comes out, you should be in jail.

The longest penis in the animal kingdom.

Let's hear it.

The biggest penis of all

belongs to the largest animal that's ever lived.

The blue whale.

Oh, okay, that's easy.

Sorry.

The average length of a blue whale penis is eight feet.

No way!

Can you fucking believe that?

I think

that's not that big.

Can you imagine what you would do if your dick was eight feet?

Okay, all right, all right.

I would be like,

damn.

That was the old us, dude.

We're not doing that kind of shit.

I would be using my dick.

I wouldn't even have a remote for my TV anymore.

I'd press the buttons from the couch.

No, we're trying to do philosophy.

Yeah, we're doing the philosophy thing.

Yeah.

Do you think that, like, in the animal world?

Okay, who gives a shit?

All right, let's find.

We've got to find a little hot note to end the show on.

Okay.

So.

I thought the Guillermo thing was fine.

Climate change is big.

Do you want this just Peter out?

No, I mean, I I think you were shitting on it.

Peter Parker.

I don't know.

I wasn't shitting on it.

I was not shitting on it.

I apologize if you got that impression.

Yeah, I thought it was a good idea.

No, it's more optimism and, like, you know, trying to stay fired up.

Yo, no, let's get fired up.

Now, you come off the court.

Look, let's put it this way.

This is us losing a game.

It's going to happen.

You know?

Today?

Yeah, I'd say so.

Who do we lose to?

Ourselves.

That's just a daily.

That's just being alive, brother.

It's like whatever in sports they do, where it's the post-game thing, and they ask the athlete, like, do you think George Floyd deserved it?

Or, you know, like whatever they do to athletes.

And they say, you know,

just we got to show more hustle.

Yeah, yeah.

It was all, you know,

we lost to a better team.

Great fucking work today, dude.

Yeah, you too, brother.

No, the monologue, I think you're really coming along.

You think I'm getting it together a little bit more?

Yes.

The speed thing you told me, I really liked.

Okay, good.

I thought it was a good thing.

I got to figure out the best way to just sort of got you know like whatever feedback and

those constructions.

I think you like my idea about doing it a little bit more smug.

More smug is good.

Yeah.

More smug is good and then also

if I would love it if maybe this week you can try it out.

Just get to a place where I can just give you the monologue jokes without having to read through them maybe four or five times before we do the show.

That way you can do them live and like you're you're feeling them out as as we go through them because i think it'll make it a little more natural you're saying that i have to read the not read them at all maybe yeah not read them at all okay we'll try maybe we can find this was i i remember in the for the cl the learning disa disabled classes that i took in school yeah is they had extra reading comprehension lessons maybe i can dig some of those up and we can just go through them and see if that maybe they're like kind of like reading comprehension exercises and then

worksheets or something yeah worksheets exactly

and and like like to make learning fun.

Yeah.

And make the process of reading through the reads more fun and also not as much of a struggle.

I don't know about a struggle ever.

Yeah, you know, however you would describe it.

But yeah.

Okay, so folks, patreon.com slash come town.

You can check out

premium episode every weekend.

And then there will be changes coming very soon.

Initially.

We are really excited about them genuinely, guys.

Dude, for real.

This is going to be awesome.

It is really going to be awesome.

And it'll be a slow transition.

So, for well, not a super slow transition, but for now, it'll, at the very least, you're still going to get the premium audio episodes.

You're going to get the premium audio episodes.

You're going to get the weekly free episode.

Yes, but I'll tell you what, the Adam Friedland show, you get in on the ground floor, you come in as a production assistant now, you're going to get to watch

this thing transform and evolve into somebody or something that is, at the very least, a hilarious money pit and a horrible investment.

You will get to watch two men that didn't deserve any of this.

Yeah, lose it all.

Blow it.

Lose it all, but get a couple of fun costumes in the process.

Yeah, we have been really focusing on the costumes.

We're going to have at least a very cool lookbook by the end of this.

I'm stoked on it.

Thanks, guys.

Thanks for listening to the Adam Friedland Show.

We'll be back next week

with a very special guest, Simon Pegg, who we ran into.

We ran into last night and I asked him to do the show.

And he said

no.

He said, well, he said I would.

He said I would.

He would do him at the Bowery Hotel.

He said I would.

He went into his

guy.

But he's.

Simon Pegg next week on the Apple show.

So just hit up Simon Pegg.

Hit up Simon Pegg.

Get the whole army together, say that guy that harassed you at the Bowery Hotel is actually a good guy.

Yes, we're going to rehabilitate Adam Friedland's image with Simon Pegg, get him on the show,

and maybe have our own little British Guillermo.

Maybe make him do an hour of Guillermo.

Yeah, that'd be pretty good.

He's a good actor.

Yeah, he's an actor.

He's a great actor.

We can cast him as our Guillermo.

Maybe we can cast him as Chinese Guillermo and let him figure that out.

Maybe his highbrow British comedy.

Have him,

you know,

how about Sean of the China?

He can do that

and go.

Simon Pegg, Sean of the China, go, go, and go.

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