Ep. 311 – NOFX

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All right, this is.

Why am I so loud?

Check.

Check.

Check.

Check.

Check, check, check, check, check.

Check.

We're getting a little heated over

Roe v.

Wade.

Oh, yeah.

Stop, are you good?

Good.

Check, check, check, check.

Yeah, I can hear you guys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I don't know.

I don't know if you guys saw it, but the Supreme Court said that

bitches need to

chill.

Yeah.

Is that exactly what happened?

That's something that happened.

That's fucked up.

You can't hit it raw anymore.

Yeah.

I think bitches should be able to do whatever the fuck they want.

It is funny because I tried reading the draft, the draft decision or whatever.

And it's like, it's just so long.

Yeah.

And so boring.

And it's like, you just spend your your whole life being like a homework fag.

Yeah.

It's so stupid.

And then you get to.

Oh, I've been thinking about rules my whole life.

Yeah.

And then you get maybe.

Yeah, it's like, and this is just some fucking guy.

And like,

you know, like, what the fuck is the point of like a constitutional democracy anyways?

I don't know.

You know?

I don't fucking give a fuck.

But I mean, it's crazy.

But here's the thing.

And I said it, we kind of mentioned it a little bit on last week's, week's, but there's only one solution.

And I'm going to give you a hint, everyone.

What is it?

I won't say anything further.

Fuck it.

No, what we need is, and I'm kind of on the other side of the spectrum, is that

we need to return to frontier justice.

Okay.

The old west.

We should burn down the old woman.

If you kill the...

The sheriff, you're the sheriff.

Sort of, yeah.

Duels.

Yeah.

Or you're just the king of the saloon.

That's cool.

Yeah.

But.

So you need a posse.

You need a crew.

Yeah.

And if you have enough blickies, you can fucking run the town.

I'm pretty sure I heard somebody get shot last night.

Really?

Middle of the night, I woke up.

Yeah, there were people arguing outside.

And the guy was like, do it then, do it then.

And then there was a gunshot.

Well, why would he ask for it like that?

Just to kind of...

To stunt.

Do a fucking bitch.

You won't do it.

You shouldn't talk like that, Nick.

You're making New York seem bad.

You're doing like a Tucker thing.

Well, no.

She's been watching too much Tucker.

There's never been any crime in New York.

It was a firework.

As long as you're inside by 10 p.m., it's fine.

That's true.

That's when the purge starts.

As long as you have a cross in Ram's blood on your current curve.

There's no cops working on it.

Oh, Passover.

They could have just been starting a race.

What's that?

They could have just been starting a race.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do it.

I can't wait to see these guys.

I guarantee you, I'm faster than than you.

Yeah.

They just had a sprint.

Do you guys ever run?

You seem like you might have done cross-country or something out of me.

Me, no.

No, I hate cardio.

My mother used to make me run with her.

She was a long-distance runner.

Oh, really?

It was shopping.

They went shopping.

No.

They were dining.

She did a marathon.

Whoa, really?

Yeah.

She did it twice and a half marathon once.

That's what I'm saying.

After 50.

What's that guy's name?

Dan Lamour.

Do you you know him?

I know Dan, yeah.

Yeah.

He does ultra marathons.

That's crazy.

And he said that he never had run a marathon.

He started off with ultra marathons.

I mean, because he was fat as shit.

What's that, like one every day?

Well, he wanted to lose weight, but no, an ultra marathon is like 50 miles.

Like he goes on.

He's just one race.

Yeah, he goes on like 100-mile run.

He just runs through the woods and shit.

I'm like, how long does that take?

And he's like, you know, like 27 hours.

I'm like, what the fuck?

What does he?

He takes like Adderall or something?

I think he gets higher than than giraffe pussy.

Yeah.

He's a weed guy for sure.

Nice.

And I think he gets high and runs around.

He's a good dude.

I like that guy.

Blazing is good for running.

He's pretty young, too.

I think he's like, what is he, 25?

Yeah, something like that.

In his late 20s, man.

Bro, he used to be young.

Damn, dude.

Life is...

Because I remember that guy being young as fuck, but that was like...

like two years before the pandemic.

Yeah.

And then that's been two years.

Wow.

But he's still, you know.

But yeah.

Yeah, he runs like a motherfucker.

Yeah.

Ultra marathons.

That's crazy.

I did actually, I was at the hotel in Boston, and I took one of those.

They had a Peloton in there.

And I tried out the class.

I synced it to my, I did all the syncing.

You got to sync everything up beforehand.

You got to download the app.

You got to create an account.

You got to sync.

You did everything.

Yeah, I was like, fuck it.

Why not?

Well, why not?

Why not take the class?

Don't you have that guy that was like, yes, Hunty?

No, I got a black British woman

with like a South.

That's one of the hottest types of

fucking dig deep into yourself.

No, I don't like that.

Yeah, no, that's true.

I want posh.

I want a black Londoner that

speaks posh.

Yeah, honestly, I don't know the difference between the types of accents.

I guess really what this comes down to is how much I beat off the scary spice when I was a little kid.

Yeah.

Maybe most of you did a nice amount.

Her and Ginger were my go-to.

That's rude.

It's called Scary.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, it's rude.

I know.

It's fucked up.

The world has changed.

And now it's worse.

But yeah, so

I would love to smash a black lunch.

Peller bike.

I should call it pay, actually.

Pay a ton.

Pay a ton.

One of those bikes.

There's that one gay guy that I see on Twitter all the time, and he's horny for like, he's kind of like the reverse

Jordan Peterson, where he's, I feel like he's horny for Disney guys.

Like he's like, Jafar is daddy.

I do want to get one.

I do want to get one.

I was saying this two weeks ago.

But I don't.

Were you?

Were you back back here?

I was like, we could all friend each other.

If you get one, let's get racist.

If you get one, I'll get one, and then we can compete.

Really?

That feels nice.

But you got to do it.

I'm absolutely not getting one.

I'm too fat.

How much does this ass bike?

No, it'd be good for you.

How much does it cost?

They're like, I think $1,800.

Oh, that's not bad.

I thought that was a good one.

That little fake ass bike.

They go up to like $3,500, but the more expensive ones, they come with like a foam roller and a yoga pad.

And it's like all this bullshit.

You can get that on Amazon.

Yeah, because it's all this extra shit that's for like the Peloton.

Like you're supposed to swivel the screen and do extra shit off the bike.

And it's like, you know what?

Why don't you just figure out being a bike?

Why don't you enjoy being a bike, motherfucker?

Trying to control your whole life.

Yeah.

Bullshit.

But

I got to get like regular exercising.

What's that one thing they got that's literally the thing from 1984?

It's like it's called maybe the mirror or some shit.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It just looks crazy.

LeBron.

LeBron's.

LeBron's.

Yeah, that's why, yeah.

I saw it, but I don't think he's with it anymore.

I haven't seen him in a while.

Well, I think it's called Tonal.

Tonal?

Yeah.

Is that called The Mirror?

I think The Mirror is one, and then Tonal is another one.

You're thinking Black, Black Mirror.

Yeah, Black Mirror.

This is a show about black people looking in the mirror.

Yeah.

And

thinking maybe they're the problem for it.

Listen, if it's a Londoner lady with big tits, now I'm listening.

Yeah, I've got an idea for a show.

It's called Black Mirror.

Well, maybe they can take, instead of complaining about a police all the time, maybe they take a look at it.

They ask a question that's like, who's the cause of all the problems in London?

Maybe.

And then we just have a black bloke looking a mirror and he's got his answer.

Let me get this straight.

You're saying the police are bad, did you?

Yeah?

Right-wing Russell brand.

Yeah.

You think the police are bad, then?

Let me ask you this.

You honestly think it would be better in the jungle

to dodging coconuts all day long.

It's 150 degrees.

There's a tiger biting your sandals.

You think that would be better?

complaining to the chief of tigers

about tiger brutality.

Yeah, exactly.

They're not going to investigate shit.

No, sir.

No way.

You're trying to call your wife, but you know, every the click noise, she thinks you you hung up on her.

You're trying to say your wife's name on the telephone.

Oh, yeah, right.

Interesting.

And she's like, oh,

he must have hung up.

That's what a fucking click needs.

Right, right.

Guess who can't talk to their wife?

That's the only thing she possibly could have thought was happening.

And why are you even putting clicks in your language, anyways?

What's next?

A horn or

the horn on a fucking trolley car?

Hey, my name's Richard Owuga.

What's Russell Brand up to these days?

He's a podcaster.

Yeah, like that.

He's in the Brotherhood.

He likes anti-vaxxers.

He would make like points.

But he was always walking the razor's edge.

He was always a guy that there was like people liked him for a while, and then he was

one spicy takeaway from being

cast off.

And then the fattest, dumbest bitch on Twitter in the world would be like, I told you the whole time he was bad.

Yeah, yeah.

As much as I hate being right,

being the person that says everyone always is bad, everyone is bad, and then the off chance that people in this highly cynical, fucked up, critical world stop liking somebody, then I get to be right.

I get to be the miss Cleo of being a cunt.

Oh, dude, they remade Arthur with him.

That's horrible, dude.

Oh, the Dudley's got a lot of people.

That's none of the swag of Dudley, dude.

Dudley's got that sauce, dude.

Russell Brandon pretends he does.

But having said that, forgetting Sarah Marshall is a good flick.

Yeah, pretty funny.

Yeah, and you see Jason Siegel's big, nice, floppy cock.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

You see his cock in a major way, twice, I believe.

Before he gets dumped, right?

Before, and I think at the end, you see his cock again.

A nice bookend.

Judd Appentow understands storytelling.

You've got to start with the cock.

You've got to end with the cock.

How about forgetting Sarah R.

Word?

Okay.

Okay.

And he's like, yeah,

I had to flee to Tahiti because the police found out I was fucking a retarded woman.

Is that illegal?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they can't consent.

In a big way.

Really?

And it's illegal in a big way.

What if they spell out yes with blocks?

Yeah, there has to be some sort of legal precedent.

The letter N, the most powerful letter in the English language.

It's been removed from the alphabet

because it hurts people's feelings.

Can retarded people fuck each other?

Can retarded people fuck each other?

It's more correct.

That's a good question.

They almost have to, they want to get their nuts off.

Where do you think the retarded people are coming from?

They just appear magically out of thin air?

No, it's simple genetics.

Well, it's messed up because they let regular,

they let intellectually capable women have sex with.

Did we say it on the show?

I had a sketch idea one time.

It was like a woman giving birth and the baby comes out and has Down syndrome, and the father's like furious, and he's looking around, and down the hallway, there's just a man with Down syndrome.

He's like, You son of a bitch!

Who are you just beating the fuck out of there?

You fucking bastard!

Sir, that's not how it works.

You bastard, son of a bitch, bastard!

Just a janitor at the hospital.

What's going on?

That's a great idea, dude.

I love that one.

You bastard, son of of a bitch.

How could you, you whore?

How dare you, you bastard!

Put your hands on my wife.

I love that he thinks it's just the guy at the hospital, too.

The first one he sees is the one he fucked his wife.

He's in a blind rage, you know.

What were you saying there, Adam?

Oh, I don't know.

Some stupid something about intellectually.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They let

regular ladies have sex with

mentally handicapped men, but they don't let the regular men have sex with them.

Is that true?

Yeah, it's in the Constitution.

That's part of the draft decision.

That's the thing.

I encourage everyone to read the draft decision because there's some fun stuff at the end.

Right.

They slip in and put that

as a getting retard person.

It was a, what do they call it?

Pork barrel decision.

I don't know what that means.

Yeah, I think that sounds right.

Extra stuff in the law, in the bill.

It's kind of like a teacher, if it's a girl, is allowed to have sex with a kid.

But if it's a guy,

big no-no.

Big no-no.

Kind of the same situation.

That is the same logic.

I mean, kind of, yeah.

I did see a video years ago.

I don't remember on what website.

And I believe the porn star, it was this, it was,

she was Asian with big faked hits.

Yeah.

And she's from the golden age, from the Jenna Jameson age.

Not Terra Patrick.

It was

Asia Carrera.

Maybe Asia Carrera.

Is Ava Devine one?

Is that Jason Patrick?

Jason Patrick.

You're thinking from Terminator.

You're masturbating the Terminator 2.

I was beating off the Terminator.

You were like, what if you could

get into a pussy?

Yeah, Liquid Mitt.

Would you fuck T2?

Stop?

I don't think so.

That's why, because they could turn himself into Timothy.

Wait, because it's a guy?

No, it's not a guy.

It's a robot.

Yeah, it's Mitty.

Well, I guess it depends what I wouldn't, you know.

It's Terminator 3, but this time he tricks guys into fucking him.

He's like, it was Ava Devine.

It was Ava Devine I was thinking of.

Anyway, she did a video about how she really likes to fuck Rita Harding guys because they're.

Really?

Because they just get after the pussy in a major way.

I think she was an escort as well.

And I think when she gets clients that are mentally handicapped, who's paying for that?

Is it clients?

A really cool mom?

A really cool mom on your birthday.

Wow.

After the Legos ain't fucking, ain't getting

it done anymore.

Well, you said Legos, and I remembered I got a whole stack of puzzles over there.

Oh, nice.

Maybe I'll do a puzzle this afternoon.

See, it's gradations of how retarded you are.

When you're just a pinch, like Nick, it's puzzles.

Yeah, those guys can't be doing thousand pieces.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, they get them lost.

Yeah.

Just like a guy with Down syndrome, like looking at, like, puts all the pieces down on the table, and then time lapse to an hour later, and he's wiping his brows.

He's like, Huh, finished.

And then there's like just a puzzle stuck to one piece left stuck to his mouth.

And he eats that one.

It's like, I did it.

All done.

I ate the puzzle.

And then that guy kicks down the door.

You bastard, you son of a bitch.

Put your hands on my wife, you bastard.

I love that guy.

That guy's so stupid.

Let's see.

What the fuck did I want to say?

I don't remember.

And then that guy's in a support group later, and he's telling the story, and he's like, and then after I found out that I was actually retarded,

and that's, it was my son.

And you know what?

Candy's good, but I'm struggling to enjoy it that much.

He really don't have much of a sweet tooth.

What's wrong with me?

That's nice.

That's a nice tale.

You bastard.

You bastard.

You son of a song.

Wait, so she's in an interview talking about how

people used to hire her.

I don't remember exactly, but she said, yeah, she was just like so down.

She, you know, she was like, I think they get after pussy in a very instinctual,

you know, because they're free of all the mental hang-ups.

And they got the hogs.

They're horny.

They got big retarded penises.

And they're ready to go after.

And they also, I think some of the don't they have an extra male chromosome sometimes so they're even more violent they got even more testosterone they're violent with the pussy well this

is a video on the it's exactly

that chromberg movie a chromosome of violence

where vigo's been pretending to not be retarded in a small town somewhere until his retarded friends from philly come find him he's just he's in the local movie theater he's like here's your seat uh right this way sir and they're like well well, well.

Here's our old friend.

Somebody's like, Scooter, do you know these guys?

He's like, no, no, no.

I've never met them before in my life.

They're like, Tootsievo, perhaps?

He's trembling.

His hands are shaking.

He's sweating.

Yeah, Scooter, what's wrong?

Nothing.

Nothing.

I'm fine.

What's wrong with your voice?

Nothing's wrong with my voice.

Dude, that movie's so awesome.

The chromosome of violence.

When he goes back and just fucking lights everyone up.

So sick.

I haven't seen that movie in a while.

It's pretty cool.

He does weirdly rape his wife on the stairs.

But she busts.

But she busts.

Yeah, the stairs, a symbol of oppression in the disabled communities.

Right.

So that's why he does it.

That's the symbolism in there.

Right.

A lot of people don't understand Cronenberg's mind, but that's exactly what he meant by that.

It should have been a reality.

Wait, is that Cronenberg?

Is that the same guy who did all those weird movies?

Yes.

Really?

Really?

You nailed it.

Because I've never seen anything but that one.

No, you've seen more.

Eastern Promises.

Okay, yeah.

You did Eastern Promises.

Who am I thinking of?

Have you seen Existence?

Who did The Fly?

Cronenberg.

No?

That is him?

Yeah.

Because I think of Cronenberg, I think, like a bunch of weird, fucked-up shit, like, you know, shit Sarah Squirm would like.

Yeah,

it's that vibe.

Okay.

It's Squirmer.

But he also did Eastern Promises, which was just a sick movie about

Revenge.

Yeah, that didn't have bugs.

Those were like, I guess.

His attempt to speak.

Spiritual siblings, his history of violence.

Yeah, those are the only ones.

I've seen those two in the fly when I was a little kid.

Yeah, Video Drum's real good.

Never seen Video Drum.

Scanners is awesome.

Never seen Scanners.

Scanners, the head explodes.

I've seen that GIF.

Scanners is like one of my favorite movies.

I've seen a kid.

I think I watched it.

But I thought it was.

We've been over this.

I thought it was part of the movie Network.

Dead Ringers.

Dead Ringers is very good.

Oh, yeah.

Have you seen Dead Dead Ringers?

Dead Ringers is very good.

Dead.

We've got two twin brother surgeons.

Oh that's cool.

Yeah.

That's a great name.

And they like, you know, fuck the same girl and they don't know that which one it is.

That's awesome.

Is it like the spider with Ralph Fiennes?

I didn't see that.

Ralph Fines, huh?

Is it Ralph or Rafe?

I don't know, but his last name is also spelled different.

I want to say Rafe.

I mean, no, I think it's Ralph.

Yeah, Spider.

Oh, so that motherfucker that made all the weird movies also made those two, which I love.

Yeah, he makes bug movies and makes Vigo with his cock out fucking people up.

That's his vibe.

Those are his two vibes.

It's both modes.

You get Sarah Sherman and Sarah Square.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got Sarah on SNL wearing a wig looking presentable for once in her fucking life.

And then you got

a clown.

With your fucking hair all fucked up.

Fucking clown.

Clown with some hairy ass armpits.

Those are the two vibes.

Damn, I never realized that because that just felt like a complete, you know.

Maybe I'll go see some of his weird shit now.

Yeah, let's look at the

Santa Claus.

Oh, yeah, we forgot to.

We got time.

We got time.

Yeah, so let's see.

So we have

Crimes of the Future, Shivers, Rap.

Crimes of the Future, that's a cool name.

Fast Company, The Brood, Scanners, Video Drome, Dead Zone, Fly, Maps of the Stars?

Naked Lunch, M Butterfly, Crash, Existence.

Oh, M butterfly is crazy.

A spider, History of Violence, User and Promises, a dangerous method, Gosmopoulos, Maps of the Stars, Crimes of the Future.

Well, I got a dangerous method for you.

Yeah.

That's about Freud fucking.

It's Edward Scissorhands fingering.

Edward Finger Scissorhands tries to get into

squirting.

That's pretty cool.

Edward Fingerhands.

Wow.

He's just a goth guy?

That's just a guy.

He's just a guy with fingers.

Yeah, they call me Edward Fingerhands.

But he's got a different face.

He's got like the index where the pinky should be.

That'd be good if you knew a guy who had a disability and his hands were fucked up.

Just call him Edward Fingerhands.

Yeah.

Yeah, I got some friends with fucked up hands.

Yeah.

What's up, Edward Fingerhands?

That'd be a fun way to bully somebody.

I've got friends with like little nubs.

You should text them right now.

Should I?

Yeah.

How about Darkwing Cuck?

And it's a duck that comes home and his wife's fucking other people.

But he's wearing a really big hat.

Yeah.

Yeah, and a cloak.

And he's like, check out these cool clothes.

What's going on?

What are you doing?

Why are you laying eggs with

Launch Pad?

God damn.

Where are you in Launchpad laying eggs?

Launchpad took the pussy.

Yeah.

Launchpad was like,

what's up, Darkwing?

I'm getting some pussy for a change.

Balouse fucking is duck white.

Dude, I haven't seen Darkwing Duck in a while.

Is that in the Scrooge McDuck universe?

I believe so.

Hold on.

Let me look at a picture of Ava Devine's breasts.

Dude, I...

Yeah, Darkwing Duck kind of looks like Steve Harvey.

Oh, yeah, that's good stuff.

He's a king of comedy.

Dark-winged duck.

Yeah, I used to fuck with that shit when I was a little ass kid.

Did you jack off to it?

No, what the fuck is wrong with you?

you i don't know you say you jack off to everything why would i jack off to darkwing duck i don't know you said a lot of stuff you jack off

is there anything sexual about dark winged duck maybe there's a hot duck chicken no the the duck is a little girl you freak i don't remember it dude who daisy duck i think so no her name is goslin mallard apparently oh she's a duck

Yeah, I mean, most of the villains are just...

This is really just ripping off Batman, of course.

But hey, what are you going to do?

Oh, I've also been watching the Batman animated series is so fucking good.

You know how you just have a show on when you want to watch, when you're like eating or you just do it, you just need to kill 20 minutes?

That's become my go-to.

I just need to kill like 10 minutes, 20 minutes.

It's so fucking good.

The animation is so good.

It looks awesome.

The song is nice.

What show?

The animated series?

Anime Batman?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I had that on Apple TV.

When I got the Apple TV, that was the first thing I bought.

And I would take a couple Resin hits in the morning and watch that.

Oh, it's awesome.

I was high as fat watching that shit.

Harvey Dent has, before it becomes Too-Faced, has a really big kind of like

he has gay mouths.

Well, it's a two-part episode.

When he turns into Too-Face?

Yeah.

I think I watched it.

I pointed it out, but like Bruce Wayne, if you didn't know he was Batman, you would just think he's gay for Harvey Dent.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because Harvey Dent's giving a speech, and he's like, I'm going to fix Gotham or whatever.

And then Bruce Wayne's like, and meet a lot of pretty girls.

And you're handsome, too.

I forget what he said.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he's like, oh, and then there's a scene where, like, Harvey, like, he's being outed by Rupert Thorne for going to therapy.

Yeah, yeah.

And fucking Batman, or Bruce Wayne's like, a lot of people go to therapy, Harvey.

He's like, I go myself for things I can't talk about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's like, for my secret.

The audience knows it's because he's Batman.

They have to be like, what?

What?

And why are you friends with that college boy?

Why do you pay that twink circus performance to college tuition?

That orphan?

That swink orphan's college tuition.

That shit makes me feel big because you know Hunter Biden grew up thinking that he was going to be Bruce Wayne.

He thought he was going to be Batman.

He's like, I got to.

You thought his dad was going to get murked?

Yeah, he's like a rich, you know, I'm like a rich sort of dark character.

Right.

And then you just turn into a fucking loser.

Yeah.

You know.

You think you thought that?

Because

his brother who died, wasn't he like the superstar of the family?

Yeah.

He was like Joe Jr.

He had fucking.

He's obviously the favorite because he gave him the rhyming name.

Imagine your dad's name is Richard, and he's got two sons.

Fitchard.

Okay.

And then, like,

Donald.

Right.

You know, you're Donald.

You're going to be like...

Donnie.

That's what's funny about the Trump brothers.

One of them gets to be Donald Trump Jr., and then the other one's just Eric.

Eric Trump, yeah.

Eric gave him a really gay name in particular.

That's the name of the Phantom of the Opera.

Do you know that?

Eric?

His name is Eric.

The character's name is Eric.

It's not like the ghost of, you know, I thought it was like Phantasma.

You know, there's a sequel to Phantom of the Opera where

it takes place in Coney Island

where like the Phantom escapes or some shit.

I watched it one time really high.

It's a musical?

It's a musical.

Yeah.

Andrew Lloyd Weber?

I believe so.

Damn.

It's called Love Never Dies.

Andrew Tard Weber.

Now I have to shit.

Now I have to shit because I had that bodega sandwich, but there's no toilet paper.

There isn't.

I used a napkin.

Fuck, do I have to use a napkin?

I don't have to talk about everything on the podcast.

That's all.

You brought it up.

I just demeaned myself.

You brought it up.

You said you don't know what to do.

No, you don't have toilet paper in your house.

Adam, can you go to the bodega buy toilet paper so I can shit after you?

We're doing the show right now.

You're kind of right.

You kind of owe this house toilet paper.

You did shit here.

Honestly, you took all the napkins.

You kind of owe the house toilet paper.

No, there's more napkins.

I only used one.

How many?

Dude, I had a stealth.

You only used one?

I had a stealth.

I had a stealth.

It was a fucking.

No, it was K-19.

K-19, the Widowmaker submarine.

Wow.

Dropped right down the hole.

Good for you.

Clean wipe.

I have a feeling I got a real messy bodega shit in me.

Yeah,

for once,

I had a healthy one.

Because I wanted to fucking ride one of those electric bikes home, but I'm not going to be able to with a fat shit in the chamber.

It's a nice day out today.

Yeah, it got nice, right?

K-19, the penis sucker.

The penis sucker, that's good.

Get on my penis.

Don't suck my dick.

What's K-19?

So submarine Ford.

Oh, okay.

Somebody sucked the president's dick.

Was that like a companion film to Crimson Tide?

Was it like Twister?

There was a lot of submarine movies in there.

Early 90s.

It was Hot.

Das Boot, K-19 The Widowmaker.

No, K-19 the Widowmaker came out like 10 years after Crips and Todd, yeah.

K-19 the Mid Widowmaker was like mid-2000s.

Because I remember I saw that's one of the movies I've seen in my life where I was the only person in the movie theater.

I don't know if I actually ever saw it.

Yeah.

But I know it's about a submarine.

That's such a late time to be doing a comparison for

the companion film.

The companion film to K-19 the Widowmaker was U571.

Oh, yeah, U571.

Boom.

Yeah, U571 came out

in

2000.

The only ones I've seen are Crimson Tide and Down Periscope.

What about Down Periscope by the Steven Seagull movie?

Under Siege.

Under Siege.

Isn't that a regular boat, though?

That's a regular boat.

Oh, right.

Submarine.

Yeah.

Wait, really?

It's not a submarine?

Yeah, then go for air.

No, yeah, it's a destroyer.

It's like a battleship.

I could have swore it was a submarine.

No.

I don't know.

It still works.

That's a movie.

Under Siege 2, Dark Territory, but I think that's a train.

That's a train.

Yes, that guy, our friend, what the fuck was his name?

Okay, he had the movie about raccoons or whatever the fuck.

Oh, it was like a parody.

That was that under siege.

I forgot about that.

Yeah.

What was that guy's name, Nick?

Do you remember?

What?

Frankie.

The guy you Frank Buttcheeks.

Frank Buttcheeks?

Yeah, the guy who made the movie about.

Yeah, Frank Buttcheeks from Ohio.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Frank Buttcheeks.

From Dayton?

What the fuck was his name?

He's a cool guy.

The movie was a fun.

Nice guy.

It was fun.

Do you know what I like about the Batman animated series?

He doesn't do a low voice.

He doesn't do it as a cold day.

Did Pattinson do it?

I don't remember.

It was a little pinch.

He kind of had a bitch.

He did a little pinch of it, but nothing nothing crazy.

Yeah.

I kind of like that, actually.

The movie?

No.

Or just that stuff.

Pattinson as a guy, a hot guy.

Oh, we forgot to talk about diet.

Damn, these ones fly by.

Ain't nothing like it.

We've been having a good time.

And let's just say, folks, before we get into a product we believe in, I want to tell you something I believe in.

My special that I believe

I will be really pissed if it doesn't come out on May 22nd, but I think it finally is.

Mark your calendars, mark it all.

It's common, folks.

So

I've worked very hard on this.

Go to my YouTube channel.

Subscribe to that shit.

And I'm excited to see.

It's a full hour.

I've been doing a lot of crowd work clips.

This will be a full hour of...

There's a little bit of crowdwork here and there, but it's almost a full hour of jokes.

So, yeah.

Get fucking.

Get ready for that shit.

And then also come see me in DC this weekend, San Diego.

I think San Diego's fully sold out, but

Philly, Philly, and

I'm making up the Providence dates, so come see me on those.

And anyway,

what we really are interested in is diet smoke.

Diet smoke.

Diet smoke.

Diet smoke.

The problem with smoking weed is that sometimes you get too motherfucking high.

And that's because you're a fucking idiot that doesn't know how to smoke weed.

So true.

You can't handle your shit.

Your little dumbass needs to be paying money to fuck Avid Devine.

Take edibles, and

you got to understand what milligrams are.

It's like, what the hell is this?

Nazi Germany?

Yeah,

I got to understand the metric system.

Diet Smoke is a perfect medium high because it uses Delta 8, which is

the Coke Zero.

This is the official slogan.

The Coke Zero of weed.

Delta 8 is their Delta 8 THC gummies and their Diet Smoke.

is the name of the website.

And they got two flavors, blue raspberry and watermelon.

And they're both delicious.

Two best flavors I can think of.

Yeah, I was thinking maybe, you know, they do mayonnaise and hot sauce.

That would be two flavors.

Well, they wouldn't be candy.

You just want to jar mayonnaise with weed in it?

Delta 8.

Mayonnaise and weed hot sauce.

Making a weed turkey sandwich.

Whether you're cutting or bulking.

Die smoke.

Whether you're sulking or fulking.

For the macro heads.

They got Blue Raspberry Delta 8 gummies.

He's got 253 gold Star 5-star reviews.

Wow.

There is not a single other Delta 8 Blue Raspberry Chewable on the market that has 253 reviews.

That doesn't exist, folks.

It doesn't exist.

Keep fucking looking.

You won't find shit.

You won't find it.

In fact, the second only to that is their watermelon.

It also died smoke.

Delta 8 gummies with 205

Gold Star family.

These are all veterans with hardcore PTSD from watching anything.

Is that what a Gold Star family is?

I thought it's from dying.

I thought Gold Star was...

Wait, wait a second.

Hold on.

I just go down.

The Gold Star family is a mom that changes her 30s-year-old son's diapers after he lost his asshole in Iraq.

Oh.

I thought Gold Star meant a gay guy who never even looked at a pussy once in his life.

I've never met a gay guy.

That's a different kind of Gold Star.

You've met yourself.

What do you mean?

You've met yourself.

I'm still gay.

You don't know yourself fully, but you've met him.

Each of these delicious gummies are are infused with 10 milligrams of Delta ATHC derived from American-grown hemp plants.

Yeah, no fucking

Chinese bull.

Chinese Indian hemp.

They're low in sugar, fat-free, and super tasty.

Diet smoke really is the perfect vibe.

They're non-prescription, 100% legal.

They're made from American-grown hemp plants.

Third-party lab tested for potency, safety, and compliance.

30 gummies per jar, 10 milligrams of Delta ATHC.

That is honestly a fucking sick deal.

It is a sick deal.

Three jars,

if you buy two jars, you save $10.

If you buy three jars, you save

$21.

Can I say I never did the math?

Per milligram, that's pretty cheap.

Dude, you do subscribe and save, and then you save an extra 10%.

It's $72.90 for three jars.

So 90s, that's 90 edibles.

Yeah, 90 edibles, that's less than a dollar per edible.

That's 900 milligrams.

That's less than $1.

Take all of that at once.

See what happens to you.

$72.90

divided by by 90 pills.

That's 81 cents per that's

that's free.

Here's what you should do.

Get that and then flip it.

Divide it by 10.

Yeah, go to a high school.

Divide that by 10.

That's 8 cents per milligram.

That's cheap.

That's nuts.

That's really cheap.

So what you want to do is buy these legally, sell them to children

at a double the profit.

And they're going to think you're cool.

And they're going to think you're cool.

They're going to respect you.

That's true.

It won't be like when you were in high school.

These high school kids will know what's up.

You're going to do it again.

You're going to live all your life.

Drew Barrymore, who's never been kissed.

Then you do this.

You buy it.

And then you're arrested for

a pose as a kid in a high school.

You sign up now and use promo code.

You use promo code ComeTown or Come Town20.

Let's see what the Vogue promo code is here.

Coastal code.

Well, you got to do a lot of stuff before they let you put the promo code in.

That seems like too much work.

Is promo code Come Town or Come Town 20?

You get even more or something.

Even fucking more, folks.

Even more.

That's crazy.

And you do all that shit, and guess what?

You're never going to leave the house again.

You just get the smoke weed.

You get the weed.

And this is little fake bullshit weed.

Wink wink.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's definitely not just regular edibles.

What is hemp?

The term hemp is used to describe cannabis.

It contains 0.3% or less THC.

This is what sets diet smoke apart from the more common and stronger THC, Delta 9.

Is Delta HC, THC, Delta HIITs legal?

Short answer, yes.

Long answer, because it's derived from hemp and not marijuana.

The difference is simple.

Hemp and marijuana are the same species of plant.

This shit is boring.

I feel like I'm reading a Supreme Court draft assumption.

Call me a Lito.

Let's say that.

Just a little.

Is abortion legal?

Short answer, yes.

Because if you're a white woman, you can do whatever you want.

Yeah, if you're a rich bitch, bitch, it is.

There will never be any consequences for you.

You can literally probably kill your living child.

Jody.

And blame him.

Wait, no, no.

Oh, Jody Aries?

Kaylee,

Kaylee, what's her name?

No, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, Kaylee was the baby.

Maybe Kaylee.

Maybe Kaylee.

You got to do Nancy Grace, boys.

Nancy Race.

How about that?

Yeah, how about that?

There's one of Erinstein.

Was a counterfeiter, yeah.

You got Chinese Nancy Grace.

You got Indian Nancy Grace.

Nancy Rice,

that's confusing Nancy Grace.

Okay,

so you're kind of going off race there

to get to its next logical

conclusion.

Well, I do love the Delta 8 thing.

It's like, well, it's from hemp, which is just like

you still, it's still just as fucking potent.

No, that's not true, Stop.

Because the Delta 9,

Jazz men are doing it, and it's driving them insane.

It's dangerous.

Delta 8.

That's what NICE.

Well, Delta 8 shows up on a drug test.

Delta 8 metabolizes the same way Delta 9 does in the human body.

Therefore, there's no way for drug tests to tell the difference between the 2K and IS.

If you're a regular drug test, we recommend against using Delta 8.

How old do you have to be to purchase side smoke?

It's currently a federal age restriction on Delta 8, Dead Smoke is only available to those that are 21 years of age or older.

Lab tests, go to the website, use promo code COMETON or ComeTOWN20.

One or the other.

And folks,

check this out.

I will be in Raleigh at Good Nights, June 9th through the 11th.

You can buy tickets if you just type in, I think they're still called Charlie Goodnights.

MrLittleNuts.com.

I think it's

where you buy all of

Charlie Goodnights.

You can Google Charlie Goodnights in Raleigh or just go to MrLittlenuts.com.

You go to my Twitter, and it's right there in the bio, I think, is the link for Raleigh.

And then I will be in Portland the weekend after that at Portland Helium.

Great club.

Go to check that out.

That link is also in the bio.

Portland, Portland, Oregon.

Portland, Oregon.

And that website again is mrlittlenuts.com.

That's where all of Nick's ticket links are available.

Is that like a friend of yours?

That's him.

He's Mr.

Little Nuts.

Yeah.

Yeah, Stop was gracious enough to give me the URL.

No, I didn't have the URL.

He was assigned really fast of you.

I wasn't assigned a URL at birth.

But why'd you own it?

I didn't own it.

Nick bought it.

I didn't buy it.

No, you gave it to Nick.

You just gave it to me.

Who are you going to believe, me or Nick?

I mean, I don't believe either of you.

Okay, believe what you want.

The point is, Nick's website is mrlittlenuts.com.

How he got it, how he didn't, doesn't really matter.

There's only the present.

You're acting guilty.

There's only the present.

It's true.

I'll be getting into Buddhist philosophy.

The past doesn't exist.

The future doesn't exist.

You have that hand in the cookie jar look about you.

All we have is right now.

He's blushing.

Edward Orr.

I'm not blushing.

Your feet are hands.

You're blushed.

All we have is the the moment.

And in this moment, Nick's website is MrLittlenuts.com.

Stop doing Edward Oreo hands in college.

He's just got two boxes.

Just a box of Oreos duct taped each hand.

That sounds awesome.

Just smashing that ass.

Can I say this?

Okay.

I'm so fucked up right now.

Since we brought up Oreos,

when me and the boys were getting after it, I described the day we had.

It was

Northman matinee.

You got to sign up at patreon.com slash come town.

There is a barn Burner event episode coming up on Sunday.

All-timer, guys.

Seriously.

So I think I talked about it, but the point is,

we had a little dessert, of course, after we got, I believe we got Chinese food.

I don't remember.

It was Blotto.

But Eldis went out to the fucking grocery store to get the boy some ice cream and some Oreos.

Double-stuffed Oreos have now just become regular Oreos from our youth.

What the fuck?

The stuffing.

And I heard Eldis complaining about this, and I was like, Eldis, come on, man.

You're being a fucking.

No, speak on it.

Speak on it.

You're being a piece of shit.

It's not.

And then I looked at them.

They were regular Oreos, dude.

The stuffing, there's a bit.

Yeah, because they got the Omega stuff more.

Nabisco thinks we're fucking ready.

Well, not just to stop you real quick.

Yeah.

You're getting hot.

You're getting hot.

I'm getting pissed off.

No, stop you real quick.

That's across the board.

That's inflation.

Those are the hidden costs of inflation.

Inflation is bullshit.

The fucking company should take the hit.

Not me, the beautiful consumer.

You know, they do that across the board.

Like, if you go buy chips now, there's like less chips in the bag.

It's fucked up.

Yeah.

That's true.

You know what?

No, it's 100% true.

They need to get the fucking Supreme Court justice treatment by a good citizen.

The CEO of Nabisco.

The two biggest civil rights things we're facing right now is women getting their bodily autonomy fucked with.

Yeah.

And also Nabisco.

But I vote enough.

But why are you?

I brought strawberries the other day, but strawberries are by weight.

And I had a strawberry that was the size of an apple.

That's pretty cool.

Oh, Monsanto.

I didn't feel able to bite into it.

It was great.

It was one of the best strawberries I've ever had.

Strawberries are really good.

Nice strawberry.

Shrinkflation examples.

Okay.

Your dick?

Both of your dicks?

It's like they've made the weed.

Wow.

Yeah.

Fucked up, dude.

Sub, why are you doing the chick, chick

and looking at a picture of Justice Sotomayor?

Not Sotomayor.

Alito or Robert

An 8th Street Latina.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's from the middle of the moment.

She spent a lot of time at Mike's apartment.

They discovered her at Mike's apartment.

She's an 8th Street Latina.

She helped Mike get his security deposit back after he fucked her.

She knew all the laws of the land.

Damn.

Yeah.

Well.

Yeah, like the Toblerone bar.

Oh my God.

You only get four chunks instead of six.

I got into an argument with a Chinese guy at fucking

the tax and duty free at LaGuardia about the giant Toblerone.

What was the argument?

Well, he was, look at this.

What was the crux of the argument?

Look at that, dude.

That's so fucked up.

I know.

I was like, we're.

You're getting really hot on it.

I was like, what the fuck happened to the giant Toblerone?

He's like, well, you want candy bar?

I'm like, no, the big toba.

You know what I'm talking about.

Big Toblerone.

He was playing Coy.

Listen to me, you goofy.

Who's playing Joe Coy?

The fucking

Toblerone that's the size of your arm.

You know what I'm talking about.

You know exactly what the fuck I want.

He's like, oh, we have candy.

I don't want candy.

Adam, what the fuck are you eating, dude?

You have no point.

Come on.

Don't just.

I thought you had pasta.

I did.

I had some pasta.

Did you eat it all?

I have a little bit left.

I wanted to look at it.

The largest toblarone in the world.

I'm not going to eat it.

That looks good.

4.5 kilograms.

That's what, over 10 pounds?

This is 2.4 available.

Give me one.

How much?

I'm shipped from Canada.

How much?

I'm trying to find the price, dude.

Hold on.

Hurry up.

I'm having a stroke.

What if I died before you found out?

I would be so mad at you.

I wouldn't come to the funeral to punch his corpse.

Look at this, dude.

This could be me and my wife.

Dude, can you please tell me how much this costs?

Giant Toblern recipe, how to cook.

I don't want to make it.

I want to buy it.

All right, I'm trying to find it, dude.

But all these webs, $139.

That's nothing.

That's nothing.

Dude, and with inflation, if you buy this now, look at this guy.

Look at this old, retarded man.

Oh, yeah.

He looks at his silly hat.

What the fuck is going on?

He's having the best day of his life, dude.

What is he wearing on his head?

I don't know, but the hat hat is fucked up.

Yeah.

Somebody sent me giant Toblerones.

I've just remembered that a couple of years ago.

Interesting.

Yeah, right at the beginning of the pandemic, someone sent me a giant Tobleron.

Wow.

Or two of them.

And I gave one of them to Sarah Armour.

That's ridiculous, dude.

You shouldn't have told me that.

You wasted it.

You shouldn't have told me that detail because you got a giant Tobleron.

Yeah, you you should have lied.

And I didn't get one of them.

I think it was we were on break from the podcast.

You could have mailed it to my house.

I don't know your address.

Yes, you do.

Oh, did you, you didn't get your do you want your Greek coffee table book?

Oh, yes, I'll put it in my backpack.

Yeah.

And then you also want to check out Blue Chew.com.

Oh, really?

Good.

Interesting.

Bluepenes.penes.

Folks, if you love sex, you'll love Blue Chew.com.

They still got this same guy on here, this little salt and pepper gentleman, whose dick don't work.

Let me say, also, by the way,

actually, let's finish.

Let's finish this.

What were you going to say?

Rest in peace, Kevin Samuels.

Rest in peace, Kevin Samuels died from not taking Blue Chew.

His dick was so soft, he killed himself.

Yeah, he killed himself.

Discuss the saldenophil and todatophil options with an online provider today.

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Wow.

For when you're in a fuck bender.

Important safety information.

Not necessary.

Four things you should know when making your decision.

Consider your plans.

When your evening plans with your special summon include dining, it's important to remember that food can impact how effectively you stop.

Pay attention.

I am taking

your body absorbs medication.

If Sidenophil is taken after a meal, particularly those which are rich in fats, and it may take longer for the medicine to work.

Absolutely.

It's really good, dude.

I'm trying to pay attention.

I'm sorry.

And you're making noise in my fucking headphones.

Sorry.

Not even like, you can't just put it down gently.

I put it on the pillow.

It felt too bad.

You put it on the edge of the phone.

I'm sorry.

It's my fault.

So you can eat your bok choy.

No, what is that?

That looks disgusting.

It's broccoli.

No, it's not, dude.

It's broccolini.

Broccolini.

He's like, like, I brought my own lunch today.

It's a Tupperware thing with two pieces of broccolini in it.

No, there's more.

You were the gayest.

You were

just

the fucking worst person in the entire world.

Breaking the microphone to eat your two pieces of broccolini stinking up my house

cooked in Indian doo-doo sauce.

Also, I need a pee.

You need to pee, dude.

There's fucking 10 minutes left in the episode.

Here we go.

Oh, wait.

You got to fucking hear this one, number two.

Timing is everything.

Hold on, go back to the food thing.

Oh, didalophil may be taken without regard to food intake.

I do not remember eating grapefruit or drinking grapefruit juice while taking the chewable tablets offered through BlueChew.com portal.

As grapefruit can affect the way the body metabolizes the medication.

Timing is everything.

If you'd be spending more than an evening with your partner and don't know when the timing is going to be right, you may prefer a drug that has a longer window of opportunity.

Tadalophil remains in the body longer, as long as there is exhaustion in most cases.

There's not even much time to use.

This is a big plus because of anxiety and nervousness can also cause erectile dysfunction.

True.

Blood flow is working just fine.

Daily dosing are on demand.

For men that want to be able to have sex at any time, to dolophil, and that's a lot of these guys who listen to the show.

They love having sex at all.

Any moment a woman could have.

Pussy might fall into their fucking laps.

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improv.

The Robin Williams style.

Oh, you've got three wishes.

The first one better not be that I came already because that one's out the window.

Good morning, asshole.

I'm fucking you on your ass.

And the condom broke.

You better hope I don't have.

HIV.

I got HIV.

Let me.

Remember, Mrs.

Dopfya?

Beluchu

does not protect you from HIV and other sexually transmitted infections.

Number four, cost is always a factor since both medications, molecules, are off-patent.

The cost has been reduced considerably from their entry into the market.

This is very good news because it shouldn't cost a fortune to be intimate with your partner.

True.

Considering you already got to buy that bitch Jules.

Yep.

Oh, my God.

You got to pay for a boyfriend's college yeah I hate when I have to pay for my wife's boyfriend's college your particular prescription will be based on the strength of the drug I hope I never end up like that just a marriage just a married person that has to like take pills to fuck their wife yeah you hope that your your dick gets hard from love yeah

I've mentioned this many times my dick used to work when I was in love now we're pumping it full of fucking drugs.

You need to find love, but maybe you need to find your one true.

I might need to.

I just want to have to

eventually just shave my head and eyebrows, get a little robe, and just tend to a garden.

Shave your head and eyebrows.

That'd be a badass.

Would you have a beard?

Yeah, I would have a beard.

But no eyebrows?

No, just a robe.

No eyebrows, no hair on my hair.

Well, no, I ain't even a kung fu master.

They got white eyebrows.

Well, you get rid of your eyebrows when you've fully transitioned to not having any emotions whatsoever.

Oh, so no one can tell.

It doesn't matter because you don't have eyes.

You don't need eyebrows to tell people how you feel, but you don't have any feelings.

Wow.

Very much.

You're at one with nature, an eyebrowless man.

I see that.

Or you draw them on all each, every day, and you decide what emotion you're going to have.

Like Uncle Leo.

At Blue Chew.com.

You can do that.

And now, limited time only.

If you use promo code ComeTown or Come Town20, they will send you a giant Toblero with any order.

Yeah, but don't eat it before the drugs or whatever.

I actually wasn't paying attention.

This is fucking awesome.

Look at this, dude.

Imagine this bitch showing up at your house.

She's like, look, I got you a giant Tobleroon and Pussy.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

I would love to fuck that lady just because she's holding a Toblaroon.

How about falling in love with that lady, Stop?

No.

How about falling off the fucking back of a truck and down the side of a mountain at it?

Why would I ride on the back of a truck?

Because it's free.

Because it's a cheap way to get around the country.

Oh, you have to pay it, Nick.

Anyway, what the fuck?

Okay, so we promised the people we go go through

the Santa Claus movies.

So let me just go back past Avid Devine's tits, past Russell Brand on my search.

Russell Brand's.

Because I looked this up already.

So the Santa Claus, we've all, you know.

We know what happens there.

The plot.

Okay.

Desanification.

Okay.

I don't this is too long.

He defeats Toy Santa or some shit?

Toy Santa.

Adam, what are you doing on your phone?

Oh, that's Santa Claus 2.

Adam, get off your phone now.

I'm looking at Santa now.

Adam, get off your phone now.

Okay.

Why?

Okay.

No, I don't want to be the reference.

Adam doesn't know.

Eight years following the events.

Do you want to hear this?

Adam doesn't know who Santa Claus is.

No, I know who it is.

He had to look that up on his phone.

No,

I'm looking up how many Santa Claus is there.

There was three.

Look, I tell you every day.

It looks like there's a four.

You say it's berating, you say it's insulting, but every day I tell you you're an idiot.

No, and I say, first of all, it's with love.

It's not with love.

First of all, you're fully tented in your pants whenever you're being mean to me.

Okay, and I don't know what that means.

And I'm not going to ask.

It's the type of pants.

You can't tell.

That's not his dick.

His dick doesn't reach his pants.

Why does the boner part go

Not even radical.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah, we should just end the episode now.

That's great.

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