Ep. 305 – gays anatomy

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Oh, my mama.

Oh, my hood.

I look fly.

I look good.

Touch my dick.

Wish you could.

Touch my dick?

Wish you could.

Damn.

I wish I could be put into a time machine and transported back to the glorious year of 2009.

Yeah, that's when it was good.

When I was drunk out of my mind, I had a dollar sign shaped into the back of my head.

09?

Yeah.

09, dude.

Nick had his Shepard Fairy Obama Hope t-shirt on.

Dude, I was a huge Obama boy.

He was a big Obama head.

I literally was.

Everyone RH.

Dude, I remember the night he won when I was in college.

Like, running to the White House?

I actually didn't give a fuck at all.

No,

I thought it was cool that Bush wasn't the president anymore.

I was so hyped on that.

No,

I was a poli-sci major at the time.

But I was in D.C.

University of Maryland, Baltimore County.

We ran to the White House.

We were shouting at the building.

We're like, fuck you, Bush.

Like, fuck you.

You have to leave now.

And then girls were showing their tips.

I'm sorry.

Can we go back to what my

Modern Warfare 2 basketball was?

It's awesome.

Yeah.

Like, you know.

You're in those shitty apartments, right?

Yes.

Comics apartment.

Yeah, H-E-B fucking door deal.

They had the the coupons at the door.

The coupons would be a whole meal.

So you buy the fucking bread, you get the bologna and the mustard and the Miracle Whip for free.

Okay, so you were a smart shopper.

I was shopping smart.

Even though Miracle Whip can suck my dick.

You know?

I'm not a Miracle Whip guy.

It's too sweet.

Back to me now.

Blacking out, waking up, having fucked with no recollection of it.

Oh, that's cool.

Just smelling.

Dick smelling nightmare.

No, there's just

some

beast

on the floor of my room,

growling, also like

lying in a pile of clothes

on Bewitch I Slept,

making up words left and right to sound

poetic.

That's fucking sick.

Back to me, 2009, all-black fraternity, only white guy.

Flip up sunglasses over my glasses.

What else?

Wow.

That's why you wanted to be called into the world.

Step Team Practical Beta data, jada.

Will Smith and the fucking fraternity?

You got his ass.

That's what I said.

If I was the one hosting the Oscars instead of Chris Rock, I'd be like, he's got it wrong.

There's actually three types of black people: there's

Damn

and Will Smith, folks.

Damn Gina?

Yeah, Damn Gina.

They're Damn Gina's, Will Smith,

and Chris Rock.

Liars, damn liars,

and politicians.

Stomping the yard.

Okay.

Finally, he got it.

What else was I doing?

2009?

Stomp the law.

You were applying to grads or to law school?

No, I hadn't.

I was gearing up for my second time taking the LSAT.

Oh, were you?

Oh, that's right.

I forget you're seven years older than me and Nick.

We're not seven years older.

You're a senior citizen now.

I was born in 1987.

You were born in 1989.

Yep.

Nick was born in 1988.

That's why we're the perfect trio.

That's why people call us the perfect trio.

It is funny funny that you are the older one because it's like, you know, in your mind, when you're younger, you think, oh, you get older, you gain wisdom, and people respect you more.

But it's like, no, the world is a young man.

You do respect me in your own way.

No one respects me.

In your own way, you do respect me.

I have baseline respect for every human being.

I guarantee you.

That's not true.

Don't lump me in with that

humanist, secular, humanist nonsense stuff.

I guarantee you.

I do, and you can go plus or minus.

It is not my humanity that inspires me.

If I met myself now,

you think, like, oh, I'd get back in time and give myself advice.

If I could meet 20-year-old me, I'd be like, listen, here's what you got to do.

Immediately, the past me would make this version of me cry.

Yeah, yeah.

Just relentlessly gay.

Absolutely.

Oh, my God.

Old you would have destroyed me.

See, this is a very

good thing.

Now you're getting sad at Jackass.

Because if I found 19-year-old me, he would love me.

Oh, now

I love her.

You're my hero.

Yeah,

he would start crying.

Be like, what?

Our life stops being gay?

He's like,

you get to get pussy.

No, 19 years old me would start crying.

And he would listen to everything I say with a notepad.

Hold on, let me sorry.

Let me make it clear, though.

You don't, there's the separation between the two.

It's not like.

Oh, you mean they're just guys?

Yeah, I mean, if I went back and I told myself at 20, it's like, yeah, like, you know.

Oh, you mean.

He doesn't know it's you.

It's just personality-wise.

Personality-wise, it would not, you know.

I think little me would love me, honestly.

Just because little fat guys love me, dude.

Little 19-year-old fat guys fucking look up to me.

Oh, my God.

He wouldn't just be like, You're just fucking all the time, and you have this absurd look.

You used to be like kind of clean-cut.

No, he'd think I would look cool.

You know what?

I always had this in my heart.

I just didn't have the self-esteem.

You were kind of clean-cut.

You were.

You were kind of more bald, like, more Maryland.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, you wore like a nice shirt.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

You only let your hair grow out like two years ago.

Pandemic.

And that informed me.

And I was toothless for years.

Let's not go crazy.

Yeah, but that was only a choice.

That only started.

It was absolutely a a choice.

Because of John Williams.

What do you mean?

You were trying to get a tooth for years.

Once it was gone.

It just wouldn't take.

Once I was gone.

Oh, you lost your temp.

I waited for a while.

You lost your temporary.

I lost my temporary.

Replace it.

Oh, the walls, the house of cards comes.

Don't even try because they didn't.

You lost.

Bitch, what is it?

Did they come stumbling or tumbling?

Make your fucking mind up.

Tumbling.

You said stumbling, bitch.

I think he stumbled.

He's a stumbler.

You know I'm a stumbler.

You don't have me on the hook, bitch.

Don't even think you do.

That's my disability.

No, but here's what I'm saying.

Don't take this as criticism.

Don't get defensive.

But at a certain point, younger you, if you continue this way, you're going to hit, you're going to hit, you would hit younger you like Jeff Ross does.

You know what I mean?

Sure.

If you still got this aesthetic, you're pushing 45 years old.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Fucking on the road.

We've all discussed that.

And it's going to happen.

It's not going to happen.

I mean, I'm not saying that.

You're going to age into yourself?

Absolutely.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

Life is a fucking highway.

Yeah.

I just want to know what the more mature.

You know, I become an uncle, a family man.

Yeah.

You know?

No, but aesthetically.

Aesthetics is a good idea.

Well, aesthetics I probably will keep attracts to the rest of my life.

No, you need like a more grown-up.

I don't think so.

A Charizard type of star.

What is the Charizard of Mystery?

I've been thinking about mine for a while.

I'm more of a Blastoise if for a Blastoise.

I've been thinking about mine.

I think Blastoise is cool.

You are a Bubbasaur right now.

It's funny his name is Blast Toys.

I'm Squirtle.

Squirtle turns into Blastoise.

No, no, no, wait, wait.

We're missing one.

War Tortle.

I'm War Tortle.

Has anyone touched on the Squirtle and Blastoise?

Nah, definitely not.

This is virgin territory for sure.

No, no.

I don't think that's true.

Well, folks, if you're going to see Nick, he will be doing 17 minutes on Squirtle versus Blastoise.

I can only hope I get 17 minutes out of that.

That would be a nice chunk.

I'm going to have to, I get in late.

I get in late, so

I got to run around Austin real quick and take stock of what used to be a checks cashed place.

And now it's a Whole Foods.

Actually, everything used to be Whole Foods.

Really?

What has it started there?

I don't know.

I haven't been to Austin in a long time.

Now it's a Joe Rogan experience.

A ride.

Yeah.

Now it's the Joe Rogan experience experience.

Wow.

And you get to strap in, smoke weed.

Why don't you give away free ideas on the pod like that, son?

All right, the Joe Rogan experience experience.

You could have sold that to Rogies for $2 million.

I'm about to text Ari.

I'd be like, I have something your friend is going to want to hear.

Yeah, but I need to get him in a room.

We need to get on Rogan

and then just get the Patreon up to $500 million a month for one month.

Okay.

And then

we'll get it.

Listen, we're going to let the Patreon keep going.

They're not going to cancel their credit cards.

That's true.

We're going to have at least a $20.

I don't understand how we're going to have two or three months of living good for it.

It's the planet fitness model, right?

Exactly.

You pay pay five bucks a month, you freaking have a membership.

All we need you to do, Nick, is every once in a while, go in there, put like a five-minute video up or something.

Do something.

Just keep them on the hook, something.

Yeah.

And we'll get six months easy.

Yeah, say, working on something big.

Working on something big series.

We're going to come back.

Stay tuned.

I think you're going to be really

pilot for an animated series coming up.

Right, right, right.

We keep lying.

JavaScript fucking

show.

We're working with Dan Harmon.

Yeah.

It's going to be like a come town Rick and Morty stuff.

Yeah, it's going to be one of those big mouth style animated things where it's somebody with a raised eyebrow.

Right.

And every joke is,

I'm horny.

Yeah.

Which is a good way to write comments.

It's pretty good.

As long as you keep your eyebrows down.

As long as it's that's about from my

estimation, that's about a good 33.3% of a nice stand-up practice.

That,

being fat is another 33%.

Instead of big mouth, it's big nose.

That's good.

Yeah, that's good, right?

That's really good.

Well, I think big mouth kind of is big nose already because I think those characters are pretty Jewish.

And big mouths are a Jewish trait.

Yeah, you know, I got a big old wet mouth.

I want to transition to having like a travelogue show, but I'm the worst.

I'm the worst fucking Jewish.

It's Jewish people.

No, it's just like some guy would be like, tell me about this restaurant and how you guys.

The war.

Yeah, tell me about where you got the idea for the rest of the world.

And where the meat comes from.

And yeah, about some of the background of the restaurant.

And then it's like, well, me and my wife, you know, we moved to

Cincinnati in 2004.

She got a different job.

And then we opened this place.

And then it's the wide shot again.

I'm clearly not listening.

You're looking at your phone.

Yeah.

I'm like, nah, you got...

Jake Flores is fucking humiliating himself right now.

And he's like, excuse me?

This is good.

Yeah.

They'll send you over to to Kuala, Lampur, Malaysia, and you'll ask people if they've been to Checkers before.

That sounds awesome.

That would be cool.

Have you guys been to Bob Evans?

Somebody's subscribed me to Seth Simon's fucking newsletter.

Like, paid the money?

Yeah, I think so.

Oh, that's worth it.

How much is it?

Five months?

I've got the emails now, and here's his latest.

His comedians hate violence.

He's reminding everybody that comedians love when people are hurt,

and now they're being hypocrites.

I'm going to skim through this real quick.

Guys, if you want to get our instant reaction to the Oscar thing, listen to the Patreon.

The Patreon episode this Sunday.

Because, as you know, we record the Patreon first because it's more work.

That's the assumption.

I don't want to cruise on that.

It's still funny to listen to that.

We got some good Oscar content.

But we start riffing it, and I hit it with the eventually I get into it.

I'm like, yeah, they should call Will Smith Oscar the Grouch.

The Grouch of the Oscar.

Yes,

I remember that.

That was a great day.

Yeah, yeah.

And then I go to the bottom.

I say, hey, you know where Oscar lives?

Yeah.

And his wife's pussy.

Right.

And his wife, the garbage.

And then I had that good one that you guys were dying at where I was like, he should win the Oscar.

Whoa.

No.

Yeah, that was wild when you said that.

No, I didn't say that.

I said he should get

what the fuck happened.

No, that was no.

He should do what?

I said, he should get

Oscar for

most awkward

on TV.

The most awkward moment.

You should get the Oscar for most awkward moment

at the Oscar.

That was very funny.

Yeah, that was weird.

I didn't think you needed to call him the N-word seven times, but I thought the joke was funny.

But if there was an Oscar for most awkward moment,

that would have gone right to him.

I'm going to let you finish.

Kanye.

Yeah, I'm going to let you finish.

You know what?

This shit doesn't happen at the award show for like, you know, the annual biplane convention or like

the famous award show.

Like putt-pup golf tournaments or the fucking Meekum auto shows.

The events that are still thoroughly like

low-T white men only.

Right.

Still civilized.

Right.

No closeted.

Yeah, it's true.

It was an absolute mess.

These guys are all sexless.

There was an absolute mess at the same time.

No, I'm saying the Oscars has a ton of closeted homosexuals.

Oh, yeah.

And regular homosexuals.

What it is, they're all pedophiles.

They're pure perverts.

They're pedophiles, and they don't,

you know, they're not allowed to.

They get the island was taken away.

Wow, I know they're.

They got to take everything back to the island.

First of all, you know they got other islands.

Yeah.

That's like when you say one lie.

Yeah.

You get caught in a lie.

It's like when Eddie Murphy got pulled over with a trans prostitute and said, this is the only time ever.

I understand

there's other islands, but they're rich people.

They're very rich people and they love convenience.

You think that was the most convenient island?

You know when a Starbucks opens up near you?

Imagine that.

There's a coffee shop right by me now.

It's awesome.

I know, exactly.

It's the best.

I walk by my flu-flops even in the cold.

Imagine if that closed.

Oh, my God.

That would actually suck.

That's what I'm talking about.

You're going to hit me with this other one.

You've got to go next or block.

But hold on.

Where's Little St.

James?

It was in the U.S.

Virgin Islands.

No passports.

No passports.

Get your dick wet, no passport stand.

Well, isn't there?

There's got to be something by the west coast

closer.

Oh, yeah.

You see what I'm saying?

Or they might have a subterranean pedophile fuck basement.

Epstein's Island is for sale, and it's only $120 of $25 million.

We can almost

the whole island.

We really can.

I wish we could.

We could do ComeFest over there.

Come Fest at Little St.

James.

If we asked Lewis, we probably could.

Yeah.

We could get the Buy Guys podcast.

We could get Buy Guys Headline Two Nights.

Buy Guys Headline Two Nights.

Yep.

Get the whole squad up.

You should start a podcasting along the way that other pedophiles turned Puerto Rico into like a cryptocurrency.

Yeah.

Right.

Paradise.

Is that what Puerto Rico is now?

Yeah, that guy Brock.

What's his name?

Lesnar.

Osweiler.

Brock Lesnar.

Brock Oswiler.

Brock Turner, I think.

That's

the rapist.

That's the Stanford swimmer.

Oh, that's a different kind of rapist.

Dude,

that's still.

I'm loving that swimmer.

That story is still wild.

Which one?

Brock?

Yeah, just like walking around.

There's some drunk bitch, and he just fingers her behind the dumpster and thinks that's like chill.

He thinks it's pimp.

No, not only does he think it's like it's chill, he thinks it's pimp.

It's something he should tell his friends about.

Yeah, guys, check it out.

But he didn't even go to jail, right?

He did six months.

Oh, and they apparently he was like the hardest, coolest guys in there.

Everyone's like, he's going to have a bad time, but they don't understand a high rock.

He's sexy.

Yeah.

They respect swimmers more than anyone in the channel.

Yeah, having grown up in

Phelps Country.

Phelps Country.

Yeah.

There was no one we respected more.

It's true.

Not the football player.

He's doing commercials for therapy now.

Phelps, yeah.

Yeah.

Because he has ADD and something else.

And his mom wanted to slice his little fetus ass up because she got fucking pregnant.

Oh, like Kanye.

Because they did the ultrasound.

They saw his fucking skull look.

Saw how big his dick was.

Yeah.

She was like, well, we can save him then.

Right.

They saw his cookie jar head, and they said, there's no way we can let this

tear that pussy.

Yeah, either he's going to be like the great swimmer or a freak.

Right.

And either way, he's going to destroy your pussy, ma'am.

Yeah.

And is really the off chance that he might be a great swimmer worth wrecking that little fucking pin?

It's not worth it.

It's not worth it.

And you know, Mama Phelps had a nice, tight little fucking box.

And she was like, you know what?

I'm not going to abort him.

I'm going to let him wreck my cunt.

then and then here we are now the most gold medals of since whatever the fuck nine i wish i could pull off spots and re-watch the sting dude here's the thing you can't jam

you're literally rich and famous there's nothing better than canceling a spot it feels so awesome it does feel good

it really feels good i had spots canceled on me and i was like freedom yeah dude it's the best freedom

freedom freedom i'm gonna take a nap and then stay stay on my phone for seven hours.

Watch 10 minutes

of a fucking movie I've seen 50 times.

Just watch

days and days.

The minute of money, the gigs is big.

Suck my penis and fuck my ass.

Let me song on your tits and on your pussy.

Nick, can you play the gambler?

Wow.

Is that song also called The Gambler?

Train to Nowhere.

No, what is that one?

What is the name of the game?

The Entertainer.

That's The Entertainer, not the Gambler.

But they sound the same.

On a midnight train to nowhere.

The Entertainer, he wore a black face

and played the piano and asked me for some of the pictures.

I was laughing to myself about...

And then he got death to quiet.

A penis.

He showed me his penis.

Go ahead.

What are you laughing about?

No, I interrupted.

I could say.

It's all right.

I don't give a fuck.

God damn it.

You think I give a fuck about you.

Your instincts never will get better about that, huh?

That's what I mean, dude.

You get older.

People don't change stuff.

People don't change.

You're going to be dressing like this.

He just waited a little.

He's almost done.

You're going to be a little bit more.

No, no, no, no, no.

When you're out of town,

he did a long gambler.

That's why I felt like it was disposable.

That's fair.

Well, I haven't heard it.

I still shouldn't have it.

I haven't heard it.

Your virgine ear deserved it.

I haven't heard it yet.

There's final words.

I found an ass that you can fuck.

That's awesome.

Yeah, no, but people don't change.

It's right.

You're going to be 45.

You're going to be dressed like this.

You will get hair plugs at some point.

That'd be, yeah, once the technology is there, but then they'll won't, you know, yeah, but then you continue to bald even after them.

No, I'm going to get them for a while.

Feel what it's like.

You're going to have the joke.

Then I'm going to cut them off.

Why don't you just get a very obvious rug?

I'm thinking about it.

Just like go down to the bodega, where

you're going to be able to do it.

Listen,

no matter what happens, I know now that I can grow a giant beard.

Right.

And that's it.

I'm good.

I'm good.

That's true.

No matter what happens, even if I'm homeless, you never see a homeless guy with a shitty beard.

That's a good point.

If you see a homeless guy with a shitty beard, that's a cosplaying teenager.

He's getting turned out, getting his butthole turned out for heroin.

Which sounds pretty bad.

That's a red toy.

I'll tell you what that is.

That is a low

homeless woman.

Yeah.

Right.

That is a toilet.

Sure.

That is a sexual toilet for being used and abused.

Sounds bad, though, still.

Because you kind of said it like, because if I could imply where you were going with that, it's like, hey, you might be homeless, but at least you got a fucking cool beard.

At least you got a cool beard.

So now we're talking about the guys who don't have cool beards.

That's right.

They're getting their assholes turned out.

It's the worst kind of homeless to be.

Just destroyed to oblivion.

I'm going to be homeless.

Huge beard that people respect.

Right.

Santa Claus.

Six pairs of sweatpants, somehow the shit on the outside

of every single one.

The outless.

Every one of the six layers.

has been shitted outside.

I'm outside of the Sweat Pantseries feces.

I've had diarrhea osmosis go through them.

Fucking

North Face or South Pole denim, fucking

big bubble coat.

Yep.

Post it up.

Yes, sir.

Post it up in Bryant Park.

Right.

Fashion Week.

Bryant Park.

Yeah.

At the library.

He got a good pussy over there at Bryant Park.

Oh, yeah, they got good good pussy.

Yeah.

Not as good as

Madison Square Park got the good.

That's good over the good.

During the lunch break pussy.

It's crazy now.

On a nice day.

Those people used to have

women in the world.

The signs used to have reasons they were homeless on it, and now the signs just say, I'm homeless.

True.

You notice it?

And it's like, hey, guys, we got that.

Yeah, you're trying to make it identity, you know, that you're homeless.

I want to know the signs.

You should go up to it and be like, hey, it's unhoused.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're unhoused.

No, I don't have any money.

I need this.

Well, I'm going to go get chicken at a cash-only place, unfortunately.

No, I don't have enough.

I feel like some people

like date.

You brought the exact amount of money I needed to

go to Bopeye's.

Yeah, their machine's down.

I called earlier to check because it's happened to me a couple times.

Anyway, I can't help you now.

Sometimes I feel like the head of my dick is unhoused.

True.

Yeah.

You got a little home for your.

Uncircumcised.

Yeah.

I always thought it would be more like a nose.

What do you mean, like a nose?

Like the tip of your penis?

No, like if you got a hood, it's like a nose.

It's a helmet.

Yeah.

No, like the foreskin.

Foreskin is a nose.

The foreskin is a nose.

So every uncircumcised person's like the red squirrel.

Like snape.

No, Voldemort idiot.

Or Voldemort, yeah.

Squirtim is snape.

Sorry, dude.

Dude, you know I'm a big fucking Harry Potter head.

You know I'm an HP fan, too.

I've recently been getting into Jake.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's awesome.

I like the books.

I didn't like the books, but once her ideas on

gender and sexuality started trickling out, I was like, Why is she so upset?

It's kind of like how I got into C.S.

Lewis after I found out it was in Christianity.

Yep, and I only started liking

H.P.

Lovecraft after I heard those cats named it.

They always got names, the best authors with names like that.

J.P.

McDade,

J.P.

McDade, one of the best authors.

H.R.

McGonicle.

Yep.

Yeah.

W.C.

Fields.

Yeah.

H.T.

Puffin stuff.

Right.

T.

Brad Hudson.

T.

Brad Hudson.

J.T.

Lorenzo.

That actually is an awesome name.

Who is that?

He writes

like urban erotic fiction.

That's a great name.

J.T.

Brother fucking Lorenzo.

Oh, and you know what?

The time it is is to talk about, what did I say, my bookie?

Blue Chew and My Bookie.

Blue Chew and My Bookie.

One at a time.

Let's talk about My Bookie first.

My Bookie is a gambling website.

That's so funny.

The website is, you put it in your browser, mybookie.ag.

Mybookie.ag, and I know what you're thinking.

A gift.

That sounds bad.

Mybookie.a gift.

That sounds bad.

AG, you're saying, what the fuck is that?

All good.

It's some German word that I think it means it's a company that's registered in Switzerland.

Nice.

And AG, also, that's kind of gold.

Because they have very lax financial laws.

The Swiss.

Maybe I should move to to Switzerland.

Get a little turtleneck.

Be a banker in Switzerland.

I'd be like, Your safe deposit box is right this way.

Mr.

Hitler.

Mr.

Hitler.

Come this way, Mr.

Hitler.

Mr.

Hitler.

Mr.

Hitler.

That's where we're going next.

Mr.

Hitler.

She's a fashion bit from fascist.

She's here.

Mr.

Hitler.

Oh, these.

I hate this.

I have all of my documents gotten for the war.

I cleaned them up for you and I put them in your desk.

All of the war plans are missing.

Hitler.

The Russians are advancing.

I don't know where the plans are because Fran

moved them.

But I love her.

But I'm not in love with Fran.

She showed me that I'm not gay.

That's the premise of this show.

A British man finds out he's not gay by getting horny for a loud-mouthed bitch from flushing.

Why does Hitler have a nanny if he didn't have kids?

That was confusing about that show.

Well, his wife, wasn't she sort of a child?

Ava Braun?

Wasn't Ava like much younger than her?

Oh, sorry.

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She's saying the word.

Is in first.

She's saying the word follows.

If they can say it, why can't we following right behind?

Followed by Jada's shiny cue ball head.

And guys, of course, if you have a problem with gambling, help is nearby.

Gamblers Anonymous is available 24 hours a day online gambling.

Are they making us say that?

1-800 Gambler.

No, but it's on their website, so I'm just reading it.

That's good.

So, guys, you get these fucking bonuses.

You put in Cometown or Come Town 20.

You play and you fucking get money.

You play, you fuck, you win.

You play, you fuck you win.

And you know, here's how good my bookie is: actually, that I am actually going to go back to Vegas for something later this month, I believe.

And I'm just going to pull up my bookie on my phone.

I'm not even going to go to the casino.

You're going to sit at the sports book, enjoy the comfortable chairs, watch the big screens, but play on

my phone.

Take that, Mr.

Wynn.

Which is

for

people that don't like gambling or drinking.

What are you talking about?

What would it be?

A place for me to go.

A place for you to go?

What do you fucking do?

The gay bathroom.

The Castro District, San Francisco, in 1981.

Yeah, but

there's drugs and drinking there.

I mean, like a sober, fun place.

Right.

For the bathhouse, exactly.

The steam room at Equinox.

Yeah, the steam room at the Mormon Temple.

I went to Equinox.

Not for me.

Really?

Why?

Not for me.

Yeah, you're more of a David Bartons man.

I got pissed off.

Too much eucalyptus?

It's outrageous that they charge the amount of money they do.

I'm loving my news.

I was going to go the other day, and it was like, hurry up, closes soon.

They closes at 7 p.m.

What?

That's ridiculous.

That's not true.

It is true.

Yo, I did hear this.

I did hear this.

It should be fucking 24 pounds.

I don't know which Equinox it is, but there is an Equinox in the city that has an IV drip room so you can get fucked up the night.

That's one of the ones.

So regular Equinox.

And get

a fucking IV drip and then just beat it off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We get it.

We heard it.

We heard you.

We know what an IV drip is.

We get it.

We understand.

Maybe Nick was a little extreme, but you were being long-winded.

And we've heard this before from you.

And I, by the way, I've done a ton of IV trips.

Have you ever asked me about my experience?

Because you got fucked up tonight?

Because I got fucked up.

How'd you do it?

It was awesome.

They got a bunch of people.

You got a nurse come over?

Sometimes it's a nurse.

Sometimes.

Wait, it's a place you can go.

Yeah, you go.

So in Denver, I tried it for the first time because there was an IV place for you.

Well, what did they do?

They put weed in it or something.

No, they put fucking taurine and shit like that and fucking B12 and shit in your shit.

Anyways,

now you're just leaving.

You know I have to.

He has to go fucking.

Oh, he's got his purse out.

He's got his purse out.

He's got to go give a guy a check.

Anyways.

Because he went on prep for Adam so Adam could fuck him in the ass raw without worrying about getting AIDS and giving it to his girlfriend.

So he's paying the guy $4,000 for that.

That's all true.

That all happened.

No, the regular Equinox is like $2.25,000, and that only gives you like one of them.

You pay the $250 for all access.

Right.

Except the good Equinoxes.

Get the fuck out of here.

Yeah.

If you want to go to the ones, the ones that kind of sell the brand, I guess they're like Printing House, and there's another one that's like

Excelsior or something

in fucking Midtown.

Those are like $500 a month.

Get the fuck out of here.

So those are the only real

ones.

And everything else is like, you know, they're dumbass poor people thinking they might

work out with Kathy Griffin.

Well, it's for people with like rich parents who's like, well, we'll get you a gym membership.

Right, right.

While you work on your Instagram account.

When you build up your Instagram account, she's pursuing being an influencer.

Right.

Yeah, so fuck, that sucks, dude.

Yeah.

Because I would love a fucking, I would love a nice fucking chim that

you get a drip, you get a fucking sucked off.

I got to do this cardio bullshit now for my gay ass heart.

So what's going on with your heart, man?

Just flaring up?

Uh, yeah, I mean, you know, being sedentary and then vaping

with cocaine and not sleeping and drinking a bunch of Red Bull and

you know, all that kind of thing.

Do you think that's a problem?

That kind of stuff sort of dovetailed.

And

no, I'm just trying to because I've never really done cardio, but you know, you are supposed to get your heart rate up over like

in what is it, the target zone, yes, like three times a week, man.

The fuck having a Fitbit on

um and then like going a little walks but then fucking yeah i'm going to die if i don't do something soon my shit skyrockets when i when i what's skyrocketing for you

what's a high heart rate for you like 180

okay that's high yeah yeah because i mean i get my shit like if i'm working out hard like the thing is like apparently you're like

I don't know, 30, I'm 33.

So you subtract that, the target heart rate zone is like 145 for me.

But that's like pretty low effort.

That's pretty low, yeah.

Yeah, 145 is not that high.

So when I get on the bike, I try to hit like 165.

And that's a good workout.

That's a nice one.

I can maintain that for like 20 minutes.

And if I really push it, it gets up to like 185.

And then I can get over 190, but that's for like a brief second or you know, something like that.

Yeah, yeah.

If I do like 100 burpees in a row, your dick gets really for time.

Yeah, then my heart rate will get up that high.

I'm trying to see the last.

That's fucking hard.

100 burpees in a row yeah

yeah it's a good workout and it's quick too you get this done in like six and a half minutes i got this new app that i've been using fitbod yeah it's been kicking my kicking my ass yeah but that's pretty good dude it looks it looks cute outside the sunset yeah it looks like today is like the last yeah but it feels the last blast of winter's pussy it feels like a nice fall evening it's not well it's very cold it's very cold it's been snowing i don't like how cold cold it is, honestly.

Honestly, I don't either.

I'm hoping that

I'm going to have some hot temperatures at hot Atlanta this weekend where I am performing at the Earl.

I think most of the shows are sold out, and I'm trying to add a couple.

But if you're hearing this and they're not sold out, go get your tickets now.

I'm also in Toronto on the 16th, and then Providence, the 28th through the 30th.

DC, and San Diego after that.

I'm making up San Diego the 19th through the 21st, I believe.

So, yeah, come get your dick sucked, everyone.

Sign on to my.

So, you suck everyone's dick.

Well, I'm just saying, and kind of theoretically, come get your dick sucked.

What do you mean?

Mayor, so there's a chance you'll suck someone.

May 5th through 7th, I'll be at

Laugh Boston.

Yeah.

I don't know if they have the ticket link up yet, but if you pay attention to my social media, Cinco DeMayo.

I'll be at Laugh Boston.

Cinco DeMayo weekend.

Everybody who has such tequila shots in.

St.

Louis and Helium May 11th through the 13th.

And in July, I think I said June last episode, I'll be in Los Angeles.

I'll get the dates up.

And

in the next couple of weeks,

I will be having.

You will be having.

I will be having merch up.

How about I'll have merch in a few weeks?

I'm doing a couple of things.

My merch is only available at shows.

Okay.

So if you want the t-shirts that were available to buy for years that they didn't want,

now the leftover stock.

Well,

I'm moving into the apparel game, and I think this is an exciting word.

Yeah, we fucking.

We have a word for that, don't we, Stavros?

It's called the schmata trade.

No, schmata.

No, it's Jews have been in the Jews have been in the schmata trade for years.

When somebody does something and then another person hears of it

and does it also.

What is that?

I think you know what it is.

So if you want any of my t-shirts that say...

What's the word?

I have some t-shirts that say Savi in the Greek yogurt font.

I got a shirt.

I got a shirt that says the New York Ass Times.

I got a shirt is Adam's face on it.

It says, if you need me, I'll be in the break room using the copier.

That's good.

Using the Xerox machine to make copies.

Well, that's because of other people's behavior.

That's because I do secretarial.

I'm copying other people's behavior to my own financial

benefit.

Well, yes, because that's my job, because I do a lot of administrative work because I don't have a big

back.

I don't have a big chip on my shoulder.

I'm happy to do administrative work because I like keeping the team together.

One day, I played a lot of people who will have a big chip on my shoulder to copy.

Yeah.

Because now the big chip look is in.

Here comes me.

You're going to say, that's a lot of words on a shirt.

And they'll be like, shut up.

My shirts will have no words on them.

They will be some of the paintings that I've done.

And he's hand-painting H1 individually.

No, I'm not going to be able to do that.

More importantly screen printed.

More importantly than

copyright.

They will be in very high-quality t-shirts.

I'm doing

something.

I forgot the name.

Guild and the Heavies.

No, I'm not doing Guild and Heavies.

I'm not doing Guild and Hammers.

No,

I'm doing

something colors or something.

Comfort colors.

Comfort colors.

That's the good part.

No one gives a fuck about your gay-ass t-shirts, Adam.

Everyone, please go subscribe to youtube.com/slash stopby baby.

No, and it's no.

My special will be coming out there.

I'm finalizing the date, but it'll probably be in about a month.

And I would never attack your business and say no one gives a fuck about it because I give a fuck about you, actually.

There are a lot of people that give a fuck about it.

You think.

So if you want to take that back real quick and say the shirts look cool.

Okay, you know what?

I am happy for you, but please be less long-winded about it.

Be more brief.

I thought the objective is to eat up time on the show until we're done.

Not with your plugs.

Okay, not with my plugs.

No, because

you don't want to see anyone eat.

I'd love to see you.

You don't want to see anyone eat.

The thing is, I'm worried about you.

I'm worried about you.

Because when the fatty woman sees the skinny man eat, he thinks, why can't that food eat?

And by the way,

Andy Wong-winded.

That's true.

He's like a gay Chinese guy from

a slow, leaky food.

And by the way, by the way, Adam, you're fucking falling right into Nick's plan here.

What is his plan?

Because he wants us at each other's throat.

The boss wants to stop.

I have been saying that wants us at each other's throat.

I've been saying that to you for years, and you have walked in

every single time.

I said nothing to either of you about this.

The boss wants us against each other.

Sure, but not in this way.

First of all,

there's no reckoning.

It's not the boss anymore.

I agree with him, but yes, the goal is to eat up time.

Sure.

Guess what also eats up time?

You criticizing him for being long-winded.

That's true.

And this is one of our classic me eating up time, you criticizing me bits.

Okay?

And this is why people tune in every week.

Okay?

That is fucking true.

And you know what?

I said earlier on the show, and I think this is kind of a case study in human nature.

After six years of this crap, people have been listening to it, you know, whether or not they've listened from the beginning or if they've listened to the entirety of the whole show, people don't really change.

And I think that that is the point of this show, right?

Absolutely.

The point of this show is that it's the same.

Smoke them if you got them.

Smoke them if you fuck them.

Smoke them if you got them.

Suck them if you think you

fuck them if you suck them.

Suck me if

find my very nice.

Suck me very nice, baby girl.

It ain't over until the fat lady's.

Nick, what do you think about this one?

I was saying it in the car.

Yeah.

Penis rock is in my ass tonight.

It's fine.

A party rock.

Yeah.

Solid.

But it's penis rock is in my ass.

And you're going to say this is a hater statement?

You're being a hater.

You're going to be a hater.

You've never been good at the songs.

No, come on, dude.

He's not wrong, unfortunately, Adam.

Every time you brought me one, it's like when a cat is like murdered something.

Right.

But you know what?

It's not even a bird.

It's like a little fucking piece of garbage.

Yeah, it's a trap.

It's not even

a vermin.

Right.

It's not a vermin.

It's okay.

We all have our own fucking.

What do you think about penis rocks?

I think it's fine.

It's fine.

But you know, like.

But it's all kind of about the five.

Hold on, first of all, the art form.

Can I have the art form?

Can I have my Coke Zero back?

I already had a single one.

No, yours is there.

I'll give it back to you when there's zero Coke left in the bottom.

Come on.

It's Diet Coke for men.

Anyways,

back to criticizing your performance on the songs.

The form has evolved so much now with the work me and Saab have done.

It's true.

We've advanced it.

It's not my lane.

It's not my land.

It's now like...

It's not my land.

It's offensive.

I see what you're saying.

What you should be going for is sucking on the midnight train to Georgia, something along.

Yep.

Sucking on the midnight train to Penis, something like that.

Yeah, right.

Exactly.

It doesn't really make sense.

You missed a good one when you were out of town.

I've been laughing at myself about that, Nick.

Which one?

About Judge Steve Harvey at the Nuremberg trials.

That wasn't a song.

No, but you were saying

they took them on trains.

The Judge Steve Harvey shows.

Yeah, yeah.

He's saying he's the judge at the Nuremberg trials.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he's like, oh, they took them on trains.

What was it?

They put them on trains to where to do what?

When I was young, there was one train.

It was a midnight train, and it went to Georgia.

Yeah, really good.

That was fun.

We missed it.

And I said, I thought to myself, Sav would have liked that.

Anyways, you're not going to get out of this.

Do we have to do it?

No, but I want to remember

some instructive criticism directed at you to just let you know.

Keep going.

Tell me.

So

give us a song, and it's got to have a verb in it.

It's got to have a verb and an actionable noun.

It can't be penis rock is in my ass tonight.

No.

It has to be something doing something.

So,

but this is a parody song, right?

Or is it an original song that has a verb in it?

It's an original song.

It's just the way we do it, man.

Come on, man.

No, but you guys do parody.

Pick any song in the fucking world.

Okay.

Um all right.

Uh

okay.

I think I got one.

What is it?

Um

my penis, my penis.

You just picked this song.

You remind me of what just what's the song?

Oh, okay.

Uh it's Maria, Maria by carlo santana okay yeah

okay and you wanted to go my my piece my penis is in the bed you suck me gambit yeah so you would say maria maria you suck me on the west side penis that's awesome yeah that is

that's how you are really good at this but that that's how you are really good at my yeah or even you can do something like maria's hard penis yeah it sucked me on the west side penis i get a little

overly technical so you're getting it sure i'm in my yingwei zone it's too broad that's my Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm just showing off for no reason.

It's not as accessible, even though the other masters can see it and say, well, that's a nice piece of work.

It is nice.

It's baroque, right?

There's no modality to it.

Sure, sure.

Whatever that means.

There's no inner...

What was it, Adam?

Inner, inner

interiority.

You fucking loser.

Okay, why don't you read how to write a screenplay and not to say that?

My dick is too fat to do shit like that.

You can't even.

How to write a screenplay?

I guarantee you you won't even read your body.

That's part of my body.

Is my dick part of my body or is it not?

No, but that doesn't mean you have a very is it part of my body?

No,

you have a very thin penis, very fat body.

It's not that thin.

It's thin.

It's not that thin.

In fact, it looks quite long because of the thinness.

Which is a nice optical illusion.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, I acroptical.

Acropsical.

Okay.

Song of of him.

Okay, how about I'll give you another song?

Yeah.

Let's try it again.

Fastball's the Way.

What song is that?

Everyone can see the road.

Is that the wallflower?

No, it's from that same era.

Who is that?

It's by this band Fastball.

It's a great song.

That is a good song.

That's crazy.

I don't know that one.

Yeah, that's

your kind of music.

That actually is right up your ass.

That's Nick's music.

That's why actually tried to find one that was tailored for you.

No, it doesn't need to be tailored for me.

No, but it's like

with anything.

No, but it would make you happy.

How does he go there?

It's a great song.

Oh, Blue Shoe.

Right.

And I wanna take a chewable tablet to make my dick.

Is that the song?

Is it gonna start?

Yep, there it is.

It's got a little started back in.

It's got a little Spanish flare.

Before the sun came up that day,

an exit to eternal summer slacking.

But where were they going without ever knowing the way?

They drank up the wine

and they got to talking.

We now had more important

things to say.

And when the car broke down, they started walking.

Where were they going without ever knowing the way

anyone can see the dig in my pushy?

I made my dick hard.

I pulled it out of my ass and then I fall.

Never get old and breathe.

Can you see the shadow on her name?

It was a beautiful melody.

It's It's a perfect song.

It's honestly one of the best songs.

Damn, Blue Swordy gives his girlfriend.

She's hot.

He's got a girlfriend?

I think so.

Wow.

Good for him.

Anyway, you know what that song's about?

It's very sad.

I don't care anymore.

Okay, never mind.

So, Blue Chew.com.

If you love sex, you'll love bluechew.com.

Nick, we are starting this at 4513.

If you love sex, you'll love bluechew.com.

For years now, Blue Chew has been providing gentlemen with

the, some would say,

the priceless

experience of maintaining

an erection.

Because listen, who amongst us hasn't been there?

They've got a nice, wet, juicy pussy or asshole or asshole in front of them, boobed up, puckered, right there.

Begging for cock.

Please fuck me, Dad.

Yeah, but you're looking down.

They say that to you.

Yeah, they.

Whether they be a woman, a man, or an NB.

A woman with a they.

Or a woman with a fucking

cock.

Yeah.

Or you can put in her.

And she's got to push her.

In that case, it would be the puckered asshole we were talking about.

Anyway, that's true.

How many amongst us, whether it be that situation, whether it be

you're a gay man and you're fucking

a Buck Ryan, Buck Angel?

Buck Angel.

Whether it be a stone-cold-looking motherfucker with a pussy.

Either way, there's a hole.

Someone wants you to fuck.

That's right.

And your fucking dick.

And it's not hard.

Your dick comes out like a wilted fucking tulip.

You can't get blood to rush into your penis and make it hard.

Exactly.

And

in that moment.

It's just crazy.

Stress Factory is selling tickets to a show I did not specifically said, no, I don't want to do that weekend.

That's fucking annoying.

Yeah, here's the thing.

If you're

do not buy tickets to the Stress Factory show, I will be at Caroline's

two or three weeks after that.

You can see me at Caroline's.

Do not buy tickets to the Stress Factory show

in the same market.

Right, right.

Anyway, I will be at the Stress Factory on those dates doing

Nick Hour.

And it's called The Hero of Allentown.

Yes.

Nick, cancel your sponsors.

Just come to funny moments.

Just keep hanging.

Okay, I got a new Village Underground.

Anyway.

Okay.

Anyway, dude.

The point is.

I hope you get raped.

Okay, wow.

That's kind of extreme.

Well, people are attacking comedians.

People are attacking comedians.

It was funny.

Maybe laugh.

People are attacking comedians now.

That's true.

That is true.

People are attacking comedians.

You are unsafe.

Will Smith could have raped him.

It's possible.

Yep.

That's true.

Anyway,

guys, if you love sex, you love Blue Chew.com.

And this is a service.

Basically, you go to Blue Chew.com, you sign up, you talk to one of them we had this whole build-up oh yeah what's the build-up so you have a puckered asshole or a juicy wet pussy a they them pussy a stone cold steve austin whatever it is a she penis whatever whatever the fuck you're eye to eye something that wants to get fucked whatever your cock just doesn't have the mustard

a member of the animal kingdom in that moment no no not that in that moment

You was you would say my kingdom for a hard cock.

Yes.

And pal, good news.

Because it's not going to take your kingdom.

It's not going to take your kingdom.

It's going to be a lot cheaper than that.

In fact, free just pay shipping.

For the first month.

For the first month, we've got your solution.

Yes.

It's called Blue Chew Doc.

They're called chewable fucking tablets.

Okay.

And

it's called Sildanophil and.

Or Tadalophil.

Whichever one.

And you can go.

I go back and forth.

That's the thing about you, Stav.

You're worldly.

I go back and forth.

Sometimes I'm in a saddleophil mood.

Sometimes I'm in a sedellophil mood.

Sometimes you're on a 36-hour fuck odyssey.

Oh, my God.

Sometimes you want to just, you want a quickie, you want to get the poison out of your body.

I just want to get a little hard cocked.

And whichever one does that,

that's the one you feel.

That's the one I take.

Here's the thing, guys.

You go to bluejuke.com.

There are no awkward visits to the doctor.

No, there's no.

The doctor's like, unzip, show me it.

Oh, that looks good.

You never have to take advantage of the relationship you've built up with your Italian-American doctor and pay him

that you still see, even though you're 32 years old.

Yes, that's over.

That's over.

You go,

you talk to one of their licensed medical professionals in a professional setting.

This is not a CAM-style setting, folks.

This is a licensed medical professional.

They write you a prescription.

You don't have to go to the fucking pharmacy.

I don't have to book you promo code.

Yeah, Cometown or Come Town 20.

Yeah, yeah.

You don't have to go to the pharmacy, folks.

Do not buy tickets to the stress.

Okay, all right.

They send it to to your.

It's not, don't worry, it's not that big a deal.

Uh-huh.

It's not that big a deal.

They fucking you're the talent, dude.

Start acting like it, Nick.

Fuck them.

Start acting like a fucking celebrity.

That's right.

Okay.

I am.

I'm mad.

Okay.

That's how celebrity acts.

No, but I will be at Caroline's June 23rd to 26th as soon as I email Lewis Viranda back.

All right, make sure you email Lewis.

Make sure you have a deal lined up.

So you're plugging your book in.

You're plugging in.

You're plugging in.

You haven't got it.

I've been confirmed over email yet.

Well, we got to figure figure out the deal.

They have an unspoken thing.

I want to do that.

There's something about that.

There's something about Lewis that Nick has in common.

Anyway, folks.

It would be so funny.

Yeah, right.

Now I'm banned.

This is what Stav says.

Is it for Savannah?

I'm saying your boyfriends with Lewis.

No, Lewis would love that.

Anyway, so, guys, you go to BlueShoot.com.

You talk to one of these licensed medical professionals.

They send over your medication in discrete packaging.

And women are under the

laws.

The bylaws.

The bylaws

of the Biden administration, women are not allowed to say, your breath tastes like candy right now.

It tastes kind of like a

smartphone.

Tell her you had some dip it, some, what is it called?

Fund it.

Some smarties, perhaps.

Yeah.

Smarties.

Whatever.

Whatever.

Say, I had to go do my candy in the other room and then shout at my penis and then come back in the room, rush back in the room room crying with a hard ass being like yeah crying I did think 20 minutes later 20 minutes later punching my penis beautifully hard to feel something pumped full of medicine that you definitely need yes and and and at this age

you definitely need and there are not other solutions that are healthy a medication that was only marketed to members of the 75 and older community up until recently people might be saying why are people younger and younger taking this medication?

I don't know.

I have a fucking cell phone in my pocket.

Maybe it's the 5G.

The 5G has zapped my nuts.

Maybe the 5G has zapped my nuts.

Turn them to raisins.

Do not buy tickets to Nick's shows.

Do not buy the

stress factory.

So you go there, you put in Come Town.

Now I understand why it's named that.

Yeah, because of your stress.

Okay.

You put in Come Town, folks.

Okay?

And then all you do is you pay $5 shipping or whatever it costs, okay?

And then you get your fucking colour.

You can tell it they have a SAS factory.

Yeah,

I'm trying to have sex.

And the promo code is Cometown, correct?

Who fucking cares?

Hometown 20.

You figure it out, you fucking.

You figure it out.

You want a hard dick or not, motherfucker?

You want us to spoon feed you fucking everything?

A lot of the, you know, what I was thinking recently?

I was watching Tucker.

A lot of these kids these days, they don't want to work.

They don't want a hard cock.

They don't want a hardcock.

They don't want to figure out through trial and error.

Even though you could take candy.

Our fucking promo code.

You can take candy to get a boner.

It is the best deal on the planet.

It's the best deal on earth.

Can you think, Sav, can you think of something better than a candy that makes your dick hard?

Nah, I literally cannot think of anything better.

It's trying really hard.

It's something the Joker would come up with.

Exactly.

I think maybe, maybe.

That's why he's cool.

Maybe if I.

Everyone can see your dick and

see that it's more.

They're laughing at you and laughing at your boss.

Thank you,

I'm only doing it to calm down.

You know what this song's about?

I can't believe the fucking stress factory put those dates up.

I'm sure they'll be removed in an hour, but you know how I am.

They probably won't even be up when this comes out.

I'm on fucking hot enough.

I get pissed off too easily.

That's why I'm dying.

Now everyone can see your penis, and everybody's laughing at it.

They're laughing at your boss and at your tiny day.

Oh man.

So yeah folks, go to fuckingbluchi.com.

Put in fucking the primacy.

Fucking enjoy your hard cock and think of us every time your dick gets hard.

And think that just imagine while you're stroking someone that you clearly do not love.

Do not love.

Or else your dick would get hard.

Now you're paying $300 for the half hour, $500 for kissing.

For the VIP.

Think of Stav being there and saying, that's awesome.

That's awesome, dude.

Okay.

That's nice, pussy.

So, you know, you want to know what that song's about, Stav?

Yeah.

Yeah, we have about, what, four.

Yeah, we'll eat it up.

This is a good story, okay?

Fuck.

Oh, wow, yeah.

The song is a story about an old married couple, right?

That

they're like, all right, let's go on a trip, right?

They made up their mind they started packing

just like okay

and they they left before the sun came up that day right okay

and then what was the song called the way the way right

so they were like okay we're an old couple we're retired keep my fucking new york area dates out your mouth

Me?

No, that's like the meme.

That's the meme I'm doing.

And it's the stress.

So it's Vinnie Brand is Chris Rock.

Yeah.

And you're Will Smith and you're slacking.

You're You're Will Smith.

And I'm coming on stage and I'm saying, keep my fucking New York dates out your white side.

Keep my Metro.

Yeah, you fucking.

And you're saying, Welcome to Earth.

Now you moving.

We moving up.

Now you're the

remember that scene in

Independence Day?

Independence Day.

Welcome to Earth, beep.

Now we're white, and you're.

I don't actually remember that.

Yeah, yeah, when he opens the spaceship up.

Yeah, he said, now the black people are white, and all humans are white.

And the aliens

deep.

He turns over to Texas and he's like, man, can you believe this shit?

The world ending.

And who do they sacrifice?

A fuck and a ch guy to go in there.

Not, you know, a white person.

Arthur Stewart.

You think it would be a Chinese guy, maybe.

But no.

It's just a couple of

people.

Oh, it's two black people.

And now there's, yeah, there's another one in there.

Also.

You know, I haven't seen that movie in a very long time.

I don't know.

I don't remember the movie at all.

My favorite thing about the sequel is when they just sort of retcon.

I never saw the second, yeah.

It's really funny.

It's bad.

It's really depressing.

The one that just came out.

I mean, it came out like five years ago now.

No, really?

Yeah.

Independence 18.

Oh, three years tops.

Let's look it up.

You're usually pretty good at this kind of stuff, but in my mind, it was yours.

Stav is good at that?

Sometimes.

At yours?

No, like if something happened in the past.

that's such a good description of what I'm good at, man.

Will Savan's really good at that?

I thought that, okay, I thought that

Will Savin says it's got to be this.

It's usually.

I thought Will Smith beats the aliens.

Either he's wildly wrong

or fucking, you know, Independence Day.

I thought Will Smith beats the aliens.

Oh, you're right.

It's 2016.

You're right.

16, so that's eight years ago.

Jesus fucking Christ.

No, that's six years ago.

It was that long ago?

That's so long ago.

And no one cared, right?

I could have sworn this shit was like recent.

Yeah, I would have bet that it was the last three years.

But what can I say?

My dick is fucking delicious.

I am really stoked about the fucking sequel to Top Gun.

Top Gun.

Nah, that looks like shit too.

Dude, he flies the planes for real.

I don't care.

Shut up, bro.

Fuck you.

I hope you get raped.

You wish.

I'm sorry.

Anyway, so, okay, this old couple, Stav.

Okay, they wake up.

I don't know.

We got two minutes.

Two minutes.

Now I got other shit going on.

Nick, just relax.

We're doing our show.

I can't relax, dude.

I got to go out tonight and perform for people after being mildly inconvenienced for 20 minutes.

Nick, we're doing our show.

The fucking professional feelings have already been removed.

They already have been.

So

you've settled the annoyance, and now you're choosing to still be a no, because I lost a package got lost three weeks ago, and I just remembered that happened.

Yeah, that's true.

I'm fucking, I'm a loser.

I'm a fucking loser.

I'm gay.

gay.

I'm a fucking loser.

Okay.

I become even more of a loser every fucking year.

You're not.

Oh, let's return to the thing about meeting our little versions of ourselves.

You're saying that.

I see what you're saying.

No, Nick's guy would be such a prick.

Absolutely.

Yeah, 19-year-old Nick.

Yeah.

19-year-old you would be like, you're the coolest guy of all time.

19-year-old me would start crying because he's like, you mean you're not the president of the United States?

Because at that point.

well Israel.

You wanted Bibi's job.

I wanted to be king of Israel.

Dude, the Coke Zero is hidden today.

They taste so good.

They do taste like real Coke.

I'll tell you what tastes real good.

Nice piece of pussy.

Dude, amen.

I was going to say that, but I don't want to take your fucking temple.

Out of the lake outside.

You're eating the wrong kind of pussy then.

You got an Inuit wife, a little chubby Inuit wife living in a wood shack

next to a frozen lake.

You go out there ice fishing all day long.

That's really good.

You know, maybe hit the dab, come back in, you take your fucking snowshoes off, get your dick sucked, eat some fatty tuna.

Yeah, next to a pot.

There's just a pot.

Yeah,

lake ice tuna.

Dick saw it.

Do you have a phone charger, Nick?

I'm painting a picture.

Keep going.

You just realized you needed a charger?

Yeah, we got to leave soon, too.

Okay.

Dude, what time is it?

7:30.

Oh, shit.

We got the show.

Show's over, folks.

Yeah, we got.

I want to tell you the story.

It doesn't matter.

You're juggling a lot.

Full-time job, side hustle, maybe a family, and now you're thinking about grad school?

That's not crazy.

That's ambitious.

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