Ep. 303 – Austin 4/3

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Water's in the fridge.

You know where the drinks or the cups are.

We started.

We're starting.

Yeah, because

we're not

on a tight schedule here.

Just a glass of water, please.

We're on a tight tight schedule here, boys.

Stavros, gone.

Gone again.

Stav's gone.

We got a special guest filling in for Stav today, but he's...

Barely.

Barely.

I think,

I don't know what to say.

Say what?

I think that you and I combined are a staff.

Yeah, weight-wise.

Yeah.

Because we both weigh about 115 pounds.

Yeah, we're both

skinny skinny legends.

Yeah.

I don't know if that's an us problem or a him problem.

Oh, nice, dude.

You got the Come Town branded merch.

You sold mugs, too, on the website?

The original iteration, because I used to just do drop shipping.

So that's when I did those mugs.

That's also when I did that gayest kid in school backpack.

That one was pretty cool.

That was fantastic.

I saw someone took a picture once of a guy going through customs with that backpack.

Yeah, that was like an Australian That was the peak of this thing when it was like it was truly just absurd the ways we could print money.

We make more money now

but like now it's like you know now we make money the way Netflix makes money and that like nobody loves Netflix.

It's like I signed up for this thing.

I fucking forgot about it.

It's too much of a hassle.

We got to give Obama a $50 million producer deal

to get some new content up.

But the gay,

charging people $70 for a gayest kid in school backpack.

Plastic dollar backpack.

It's a $70 backpack that was drop shipped from China.

Well, you were hanging out one time and you're like, I have to go.

I have to autograph the gayest kid in school backpack.

I went to Prospect Park and I signed someone's gayest kid in school backpack.

You met him in the park?

Yeah.

In the bathroom?

Yeah, I didn't even know they had bathrooms at Prospect Park.

I don't know if they did.

It sounds like you do know.

I think they probably do.

Ian knows the exact area of the park.

They're in the brambles.

Longitude and latitude of it right now.

The men's bathroom with the luxurious stalls are in the brambler.

The good ones.

Yeah.

They call me the Brambler.

Yeah.

I like to bramble around.

How's this song go?

I like to talk to you.

I'm the kind of guy that sucks off guys in Central Park.

They call me the Brambler.

What is it?

Is it the Rambler?

No, the Rambler.

The Rambler.

They call me the Rambler.

No, that's the one.

I'm thinking

Kenny Rogers is a Rambler.

Yeah, Kenny Rogers is the Rambler.

The Rambler, yeah.

Yeah.

On a midnight train to nowhere, in the middle of Central Park.

I was going to the bathroom,

and the guy looked at me.

He said, son, I made a live.

I'm sucking another guy's penis.

Twice under the stall.

Let me know you'll be.

So the sign is two taps of the foot.

So I handed him my bottle, my penis, and he drank down the last wallow.

Then he bummed the cigarette and asked me for a light.

Yeah, after you come with a guy in the bathroom, you slide a cigarette under the stall, too.

You do.

No.

To say a job well done.

I don't know if it's taps.

I don't know.

I've never done that.

Did you ever do the handkerchief code?

No.

That could have code.

Well, that could have really intersected with your ska.

Do you know the codes?

No, I don't know the codes.

Yeah, it's like I think yellow.

The codes to Zion.

That's what they call.

I want the codes.

Morpheus, you have the codes.

If you hold a

what does the red handkerchief mean?

I think that meant you were into like rough, like being rough.

Oh, like bloody water style.

Isn't that just all gay sex?

It's not like no one's having like fucking like

Tony Scott billowing and like satin curtain sex gay sex wind machine sex take my breath away

that's not happening

no one's doing that just two men

isn't that Tom Cruise and and fucking Val Kilmer having take my breath away

well the way I imagine it is one fellow's on a motorcycle and then the other guy's sitting on his lap but he's doing like cool teacher style over the chair yeah so he's facing him while

his uh his daddy or top or bull takes him around on the motorcycle.

He's always having that kind of sex, but you can be the change you want to see in the world, Nick.

Yeah.

Nick's a romantic.

That's why he's never crossed the threshold.

What threshold?

Of sex with a man.

School threshold.

Oh, I guess.

I'm retired.

I feel like your dick should fall off when you turn 30.

I feel like that's it.

I mean, your sex drive does.

No.

You still have a sex drive, but you don't want to use your dick.

No, I mean, I guess I well, I don't even know.

I don't feel like I've been horny since I was probably like 17.

It just sort of like fuck is something to do.

You don't jerk off?

Nah, almost never.

Do you jerk off, Adam?

Out of necessity.

The bare necessities.

Yeah.

I only have to do

I'm trying to get another revenue stream because the, you know, the podcast isn't going to be here forever.

So, yeah, we got to do something.

I'm saying maybe selling pasta sauce or starting a moving company.

That seems to be the way to go.

I don't know.

I've been wearing a...

Minnie Bum cigarette.

Suck me on my cock.

I've been doing some chatterbait.

Yeah.

Would you do an omegle or chatterbait if you wore like a ski mask and no one knew it was you?

Well, Omegle is just, that's free, right?

Or I guess chatterbait is too, but you can get a tip on it.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chatterbait's...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chatterbait is like you get tokens.

Yeah.

But, you know, if you're not into tipping, they still let you look.

That's what I like about it.

I like how it's tipping optionally.

Tipping is optional.

Yeah, that's what brings me to their service.

This is the hottest apartment I've ever been in my entire life.

Well, you just rode your bike.

Yeah, it's really not that bad.

It's probably 67 degrees.

Really?

Yeah.

It's from the

thermometer in the kitchen.

I can fucking look it up.

Yeah, yeah.

He came from a doctor's appointment.

Everything's all good.

Yeah.

At the doctor?

Yeah.

It's 75 degrees in here.

Oh.

Oh, it's like on like a 65-degree day.

I guess so, yeah.

It's a slight temperature show.

Some like it hot, you know?

That's what they call it.

I think that was the name of my high school yearbook.

Some like it hot.

Some like it hot, yeah.

Yeah, that's dude.

That's right.

Because

you went to a cross-dressing book.

Do you guys have names for your yearbooks?

I have no idea.

I never bought a yearbook.

Well, I was in the class of 2005, so we had the, it was a foo-boo theme.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, we did a 4-us, bias, 05 style theme.

Damn.

No, I don't think it was.

I think I'm making that up.

I wish I was.

I wish I was.

Yeah, I wish I was black.

I got in a late-night drunken argument with a fellow comedian friend of ours.

Was it the night?

Drunkenly said that.

Said that, and he was like, you're fucking mentally ill, bro.

Wait, you said you wished you were black.

I was like, yeah, more than anything.

Yeah, he was angry.

Have you seen him?

He didn't like it.

No, but I called him.

I was like, is everything chill?

He's like, yeah, sorry, I was drunk.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Wait, was it the night I saw you?

Adam had a rough trade tryst

with a fellow comedian.

Yeah, you know.

It got weird, folks.

Remember that?

There was like a whole, there was like a decade of like Los Angeles comedy that's like, um, not to be weird.

Yeah.

Sorry for being super awkward.

Well, that that was the Pete Holmes

podcast.

Yeah.

Then all of those people turned out to be sexual criminals.

Predators.

Yeah, yeah.

They really made it pretty weird.

It's weird, but I happen to be a huge fan of zombies and Batman.

And I have raped.

It's pretty weird, but I am going to rape you, but.

It would be weird, but there's a cute girl who's doing Improv 101, and I chokeslammed her onto my counter mattress.

And then, you know, I had my way with her.

Yeah.

And then I went to immediately did an open mic and did a bit about missing my bar mitzvah.

Missing those salad days of my bar mitzvah.

Wait, so hold on.

Is it the

dude?

What?

Yeah.

I made a, yeah.

I mean.

I think that's a pretty like PG-13 or PG kind of like, oh, we're just hanging out.

We're making wild.

we're doing wild takes.

Yeah.

And I was like, yeah, I wish I was

wish that more than anything.

Yeah.

And what was his response?

He was like, you're fucking weird, man.

That's fucking weird.

What?

Yeah.

It was like, I'm not a serious.

I don't think I'm going to meet a wizard one day who's going to turn me into a black man.

I don't think it's something that's possible in the material.

You know, how when you meet a genie and they're like, you could have three wishes, but you can't wish for this.

One of those, like, you can't wish to be black.

Yeah, obviously.

I wouldn't switch anywhere.

Definitely being white is the best one.

Yeah, of course.

We all know that.

Yeah, that's why.

For coolness,

black.

No, I've only talked about if I could change the business.

White guys are cool.

It has to be some kind of nebulous sort of gas or energy ball.

I think I've said literally before, I'd prefer to be like a poisonous cloud.

Like in the show Lost.

That just sort of seeps under doors and fucking just

clouds.

Like an Alex Mack of evilness.

What is that?

You remember Alex Mack?

Oh, I I remember.

Hot chick that could go into like silver goo and go underneath doors.

Damn.

Remember she was running from school and she stepped in like nuclear sludge.

It was a Nickelodeon show.

She was silver glue.

Yeah.

She was hot.

Never pulled your Dr.

Eugene Goo.

Remember that guy?

Yeah.

He was a.

Oh, Mr.

President,

you're a freaking dummy.

People were like, goo him.

Goo that guy.

When he'd goo Trump.

He got goo.

Trump just got goo.

He just got.

Goo is such a funny name, dude.

There was another goo that fucking defected.

There's that goo big.

Eileen goo.

Yeah, Eileen.

Eileen goo.

Yeah.

She's.

I'm saying this only because she's 18 and of legal age, but she's a...

What?

She's a hot trader.

Who?

She's this girl that's really good at freestyle skiing.

Adam 35 years old describing an Asian 18-year-old.

That is one hot trader.

That is one hot hot.

That is one sexy Benedict.

This is weird.

I'm 35, not attracted to an 18-year-old.

I'm not 35.

If I could get a look at that pussy, that is one cool customer.

Yeah.

She's this Irene Goo.

Eileen Goo.

She's really good at freestyle skiing.

She seems like really not particularly attractive.

She's pretty hot.

She's like Brooklyn normal.

Yeah.

No, she's not.

This is just.

All these pictures are her wearing goggles and a helmet.

Adam's like, she's the hottest.

She's not, come on, bro.

It's not from the gods.

She's not unattractive in the slightest, but to like...

She's a good-looking girl.

Do you want to publicly label yourself a borderline pedophile for the sake of this woman?

She's just being attracted to this woman who's in parkas and ski gear.

I'm saying that she's attractive.

You got spiders in your brains, dude.

You do.

Why spiders?

Because I've just been thinking about being a black guy my whole life.

I can't think about a girl's age.

Yeah, you got the green mile for her.

You want to be a black guy so you can punch her and get away with it.

No, Ian.

You didn't have to take it there.

I tried to make Adam black, boss.

That's what he was going to hit.

Adam becomes black.

I tried to make it black.

The flies.

Yeah.

But the flies couldn't do it.

They couldn't do it, boss.

He killed me with flies.

It's okay, John.

Anyway, she's this girl from

California

who basically competes for the children.

For China.

She competes for China.

Chinese people.

We have Chinese traders.

California.

We're gay.

And a lot of people are pissed off about that.

Wait, because she's from California and she's skiing for China?

She defected to China.

She defected to go ski for Chinese.

She did defect.

I think she lives in America.

You're attracted to her

17-year-old State Department fucking took away her citizenship.

I'm attracted to the fact that she's playing for the winning team.

That's what I'm attracted to.

No, she didn't even win, dude.

What are you talking about?

She got the fucking gold, bro.

No, she didn't.

Yes, she did.

No, you're just.

Here's a picture of her biting.

Your eyes are clouded by love.

No, it's not about love.

It's about the fact that

she's smart and she knows.

You want her to go skiing and grab on your medicine.

No, she's trying to eat the medal.

I thought these people were supposed to be shipping.

She read the tea leaves and she knows that America is in its decline.

She's now skiing for China.

And I'd love to podcast for China anytime.

She's an American-born freestyle skier, two-time Olympic gold medalist

and model.

Native nate?

you can't even read

she's competed for China in half pipe slope style

and big Arab Zipper Rondia

slope style well we're clicking on that and it's a winter sport where athletes skiers snowboard yeah it's like where you do rails and we do ski slopes

okay I was confused.

Well, it's where you do like tricks and stuff on the slopes.

Can someone Photoshop a picture of her on skis in Tiananmen Square?

Very funny, because you know what?

Half pipe is also sort of a slur for a Chinese guy.

You know?

I don't know.

So half pipe, slope style.

You can go,

there's a lot of stuff.

There's a lot of stuff in here.

That's very funny.

Well, I just, I think.

What other teenagers are you attracted to, Adam?

No, that's about it.

I just said that

she was attractive.

I didn't say that I was attracted to her.

And I don't know why I'm still defending this point.

Because I feel like

it's not really a hill to die on.

That is weird, though, hanging out and just being like, yeah, whatever.

And someone would be like, not cool.

Fuck you.

What do you mean?

Oh, for saying that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know, man.

I didn't mean to really bring it up.

It's kind of a...

But yeah.

I got I yeah, I apologize to everyone.

I apologize to the people of China.

She had $30 million in Chinese endorsement deals.

Yeah, that's why she did it.

She did it because she knew she'd be a massive celebrity there.

Yeah.

It's smart.

Very smart.

And she'll probably get a book to you.

Eileen Goo.

Very smart.

You think she did the voice?

What?

You think she did the voice while she was over there?

Yeah, of course she did the voice.

They're like, oh, thank you.

You know?

No, I don't know.

What voice.

You know, do you think she did the voice?

Of course she did the voice.

All right.

She speaks Chinese.

Yeah.

Like that, you know, that NBC show, The Voice?

I finally got around to watching that.

Not what I thought.

Completely different.

I was.

I was fucking.

You know.

You thought Shane Gillis won season two?

I thought Shane.

But Shane doesn't do the voice.

He doesn't do the voice.

He just said Chane.

He just said the slurry.

Yeah.

He goes to Shane on that show and being like, yeah, what is this?

Were they keep the chinks?

And then fucking Howie Mandel is like, I got to dang you.

It's close,

but you're supposed to do the voice.

That's the premise of the show.

It's not the word.

It's not the word.

The show isn't called the word.

It's called the voice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then Simon Cowler's like, that was positively, absolutely one of the worst

examples of a bad thing.

So it's the reverse that I've ever seen.

It was good.

A surprise twist from Simon, quote-unquote, the fag cow.

My new, and then he has a cape that he just holds over the bottom of his face.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah.

He's still doing his thing.

I know I've said it on the show, but old men, like old white guys who were never in the military but love wearing like a hat.

Like, they'll wear like a Navy hat for a specific ship, you know, with like the medals on it, be like the USS Cavalier.

Like, oh, were you on that boat?

They're like, no, you know, they're just like fans of the old Stolen Valor guys, they love doing surprise twist reviews, or like when they give like a tip to a waiter, they love what are you talking about?

Those old guys love being like, they're like, I would like to speak to the manager, please.

And then make the waiter stand there, and the manager comes over and he's like, This young man

gave us the best service for us.

You know, like they love,

And I want you to shake his hand.

They love doing that.

This all this bravitas towards, you know, yeah, this is.

Just wasting everyone's time.

Just wasting everyone's time.

This is like dumb reveal thing because they have to like getting him scared all the time.

Yeah, right.

Getting him the thing in there, he's going to lose his job.

Those guys love that.

And then it's like, that's just, that's like another day at Bob Evans.

They go try different, you know, they go to Bob Evans, do that day, or Bob's big boy.

Dude, I miss that.

I miss our old pal, the fucking, the gossip of Hardys.

Yes, FBI,

I would like to report the waiter at Bob Evans.

They're like, for what?

And he's like, for making the best damn meal.

And they're like, oh, this is Ronnie, isn't it?

He's like, yes, it is.

Swat him.

Good to hear you.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

All right.

We'll talk to you later, Ronnie.

That's so funny, dude.

Thanks.

Thanks for saying that.

I love this.

Just in case the people at home are like, why am I still paying for this show?

Well, this is the free episode that doesn't matter.

They don't have to pay for it.

They do.

I've hacked into the bank accounts of everyone that listens to this show.

It is true.

If you want to keep continuing the free episode or enjoying the free episodes, we do need a little bit of personal information.

Yeah.

Yeah, we got really tanked quality of this show so people aren't,

you know, no more of the.

And they're like, why is the show ending?

How long are you going to keep the show going for?

About the month.

Yeah, trying to, yeah, we're trying to do it.

Maybe we want to be out by the end of the year.

Maybe three weeks.

Because it's like we did the math on it, and with the amount of money the show makes, we're going to have to do it for another decade to have Eileen Goo money.

To have goo Chinese.

She would be coo goo.

At this point, she wouldn't even look at me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She'd be like, I'm dating a, she's like, I'm dating a, like a,

like, hasn't.

No, just like a fucking, one of those, like, royals of like a small, you're like a Luxembourg duke or something.

Yeah.

You know what's like she did.

What could be cool is like learning Chinese and going over to China and like living in like, you know, some like fucking Chinese-ass place.

Oh, no one speaks English.

No one speaks English.

Yeah, just like an Ewok village, basically.

But, you know, you nailed it, and then you hire a film crew to come over and do like a documentary on you.

And then you're going around, you've already established a relationship with like all the Chinese people.

So you speak Chinese to them, but then to the film crew, you're like, Yeah, this is my best friend.

We hang out all day.

And then you're just doing the voice in English to the film crew.

And no one's the wiser.

And it's just four and a half hours of that.

Have you explaining your life in fucking Chinese village with a little teddy bear people?

Could you go?

Could you have a rudimentary knowledge of Chinese, go over there, live in one of those villages for like two to three months and survive?

Yeah, probably.

Yeah.

What do you mean, survive?

Would they be all right with you being there?

Yeah, they're human beings.

Yeah, of course.

And they'd be doing pranks on you the whole time.

They'd be dying of laughter.

They might think you're like fucking, yeah, weird and make fun of you.

Yeah.

They'd be talking shit on you, but they wouldn't fucking kill you.

Very few people are actually evil.

You know?

Most people are assholes.

Right.

The vast majority of people are fucking mean spirited assholes right but very few people are actually like evil you know what i mean i think the majority of people are good but the assholes get the magnifying glass on them the magnifying glass yeah society's society society's magnifying glass society's magnifying yo listen go off

hold on

but somehow work in my bookies they get the magnifying glass and the rest of us are the ants you know the good guys Right?

No.

And they harness the power of the stuff.

We see them through the magnifying glass, which makes the ants look bigger.

Yeah.

But at the end of the day, they're just...

You know what's funny?

They're saying money can't buy happiness or whatever.

But now that I'm rich, I'm definitely a nicer person to people.

Yeah.

Yeah, for sure.

I used to be way meaner when I didn't have money.

Now, you could say that's just fun.

Because you were bitter?

You could say that's just a function of emotional maturity.

You know, say that I got older.

I think that coincides with getting older.

But I have friends that have gotten older that have continued to struggle, who have become even more bitter and enemies.

Of course.

Of course.

And worse people.

Yeah.

Like less.

Yeah.

So money can, in a roundabout way, buy you happiness because it allows you to, you know, have more patience with life.

So this is your argument for universal base income?

No, it's my argument for being rich.

My argument for like if you want, if you want that, you got to make yourself.

You got to find a way to produce something that society needs.

Yeah, and you can only be rich imperatively.

So you need

or you go to mybookie.ag okay that's how you get rich and that's how you get happy mybookie.ag and let's see if they sent me copy oh i just want to say i i'm i was rich in retweets thank you for um mentioning that tweet of mine on the podcast or whatever i still gotta pay you because i owe you a lot of money yeah you do owe me a lot of money i'll be taking stav pay for this episode Yeah, I might as well.

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You know what I used to love?

You ever do VO auditions, Ian?

Yes.

I used to love doing those.

As much as I hated

them.

I hate when I had commercial.

Were you with

CSD?

Yeah, CSD.

No, no, no.

I was with A-Rooms.

I was with CSD.

Yeah.

And I hated doing on-screen camera auditions.

I despised them.

I love in...

in-room, on-camera.

I book the room.

If I don't get the gig, the director or producer would hit me up later for something else.

Amazing.

And now everything's sucked.

You get sucks.

You would get booked a lot, but I hated that.

But doing voiceover stuff, I loved.

I loved.

It's fun.

Yeah.

It's fun.

Voiceover is way more fun.

Doing like a fun voice.

Yeah.

Because I feel like I would look absurd if I did a voice like on camera.

But when it's just a voice, you know.

And you're alone in your room?

No, I would go in.

Oh, you would do it.

Oh, I thought you meant during the pin.

No, dude.

I would always go in.

No, they dropped me.

See, CSD dropped me.

It's funny because I had a different representation for on-screen and voice.

And then after the IBM thing,

that agent never spoke to me again.

Yeah.

On camera.

But

the voiceover people are always way more chill, anyways.

Would you still do voiceover if you're not?

No, it's not worth it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, it's like the amount of money is.

Did you ever get those reads where it was like...

This is a product.

And my bookie.

My bookie.agi.ag.g, by the way.

Because,

sorry, what were you saying?

With the voiceover stuff, they would be like, this is a product that makes you happy, grateful, and excited.

This is something that brings you together with your family.

It makes you go, huh?

Life is simple, but life is sweet.

These Tostitos are like, what?

Yeah.

No, I love when they make you do the quick reading stuff.

You know?

Like with like, you know, like like

insurance spots or whatever.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're like, like, yeah, you got to get all this in.

Yeah, in like 30 seconds.

It's like two pages of stuff.

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I can't find the new copy, Adam.

Please.

Do you have

other ads?

Your team might have missed the big game this year, but my bookie's double deposit bonus.

You could just do stuff like that.

Can we hear, Adam?

Who would you?

Sign up at mypenus.net.

My bookie from more, me or Nick.

What do you mean?

All right, Ian, you try.

Your team might have missed a big game this year.

No.

But my bookie's double deposit bonus.

Make sure you won't.

Sorry, that's 200.

Sign up at my bookie now.

That's too, first of all, I can

immediately pinpoint that you're from the mid-Atlantic.

Sign up at my bookie now.

Can I tell you?

Fucking, it's like, there's no, no.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

You gotta, you gotta.

I've gotten so many emails that are like, can you please get rid of your mid-Atlantic?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's hard.

It's fucking hard because it's not.

It's so hard.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Unless you do another accent, you know?

Yeah.

I did, dude, I got a Heineken commercial during the pandemic for voiceover.

Heineken beer tastes fucking really good.

Yep.

I had to

coach me through it like a million times.

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I've gotten so many

messages.

I'm just looking at Eileen Goo's Instagram.

Yeah.

This is Adam chasing Eileen Goo around China.

She goes to Stanford.

She's not in China.

Eileen!

Yeah, I mean, just like

legs wobbling on a set of skis.

You've been waiting

to send that to use that fucking Benny Hill theme the the whole time.

What's that?

You were like, your plan coming here was like,

I'm going to work the Benny Hill theme into the bottom of the camera.

I got to try.

I'm going to put it in my house, but the cat bit into it and it wouldn't blow up.

The cat bit into it.

We learned last week that the Whoopi Goldberg's name came from her literally shitting her.

She said that, yeah, she said that sometimes you don't have to.

When I was on stage, I didn't have time to go to the bathroom.

So I would just bust out my ass.

I would fart out of my ass.

Yeah, it was because she farted so much.

Legitimately, we're not making this up.

They call me whoopy.

Yeah.

They said you whoopy.

That's not a character you made up.

No.

I swear to God.

That's a character she made of.

It's on her Wikipedia.

Wait, is she.

Is there a clip of her saying that?

No, it's on her Wikipedia page.

It's on her Wikipedia.

Someone had to have made that up after her whole recent debacle.

There's no way that's real.

No, no, it's.

For her to use that as her professional name.

And think

in my mouth and ass.

All right, let's hear.

Doreen wants to know: how did you come up with the name Whoopi Gobert?

Your name is something really beautiful, as I remember.

Well, no, my name is Karen.

Karen, that's right.

Karen Johnson, like the Tupperware.

Karen Johnson.

I'm so pleased to be here.

I brought the most wonderful Tupperware for you.

And no, I'm a farter.

And so I was, we have, we had a small theater in San Diego called the San Diego Red.

And it was that big, and there was no backstage.

And so if you, you know, you had to let it go.

You had to let it go.

Oh, that's funny.

And so people would say, gee, you're like a whoopee cushion.

And so it was whoopee cushion.

And then my mom said, you know,

anybody's going to take you seriously being called whoopee cushion.

And I said to her, oh, great namer of the stars,

what should I use?

She said, Well, you might as well use one of the family names.

Use Goldberg, see what happens.

So, Goldberg is a family name.

But Emma did that.

My mom did that.

I said, Try that.

Your mother was great.

She was great.

I really liked her a lot.

So, her foreigner.

Her name comes from.

I'm a foreigner.

And then using a Jewish name to get further in the industry.

Yes.

That's what her mother said.

Suggesting big and eating.

Her last name can't be Kushon.

Native American.

I will name you.

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I want you to imagine this little website was white.

It was a whites-only website.

Sorry, I just took a sip of water.

You took a piece.

I took a piss of water.

I took a piece.

I loved the piece.

I took a piss of water.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Damn.

Yeah, I got my CPA dropped me, and I got a new one, but through my bookkeeper.

And I've never talked to this.

There's somebody that just did my taxes.

Yeah.

And then took money out of my account.

I have not spoken to them directly.

And I don't know if that's good or bad.

Did they do a good job?

I have no idea.

I never look at my tax return.

Read this commercial copy for Deodorant.

It's comedic tone.

No, no, no, no, free, no free.

It's not a real product.

Don't say the name.

Okay.

Teen slash adult commercials on camera.

All right, let's hear it.

Let's hear it.

Commercial copy, serious toned.

Headaches.

We all get them.

We all wish they would go away.

There is a solution.

Boop.

I just take two, and there's no more tension.

No more throbbing.

No more pain.

My headache completely gone.

Okay, and then here this is a sneaker company.

It's a mindset, a focus, a deep-seated spirit.

It's an inner strength to keep your feet planted firmly on the ground, no matter what presses against you.

It's confidence, it's belief, it's a way of life.

It's the brand.

I don't want people knowing about Nike.

I don't want people finding out about Nike.

I can't.

No, I'm not giving Nike free reads.

This one's for Pine Salt.

Whoever said that a smell can bring back a flood of memories?

I'm a little too hot.

I'm a little too hot on here to do this one.

Hold on.

Can I try one?

No.

Why not?

Let me send this to you.

What do you guys think?

Would you hire me?

Yeah, of course I'd hire you, bro.

I don't know.

Nike.

I don't know.

I got to hear Adam.

You like sneakers?

I got a pair of sneakers for you right here, faggot.

They're like, sneaker behind you.

Yeah.

Let's go.

Let's do this one again and maybe not the don't say the faggot part.

Hey, you bunch of fucking

yeah, yeah.

What?

Sir.

Nike.

Yeah, we got shoes that aren't just you guys that fucking.

Perhaps I'll do Nike.

Ready?

It's a mindset, brother.

A focus.

Deep-seated spirit.

Fired.

Fire.

Fired.

No, please.

That's disrespectful.

It's a mindset, bitch.

A focus.

A deep-seated spirit.

An inner strength to keep your feet.

It's a focus.

You should bring me and we should do like good competing auditions.

Yeah,

I'm not sure if you're a little chilling and to go in at the same time, just frustrate the sound engineer.

It's a mindset.

A focus.

It's a way of life.

It's a mindset.

A focus.

A deep-seated spirit.

It's a mindset.

It's a strength.

It's a focus.

It's a mindset.

It's a belief in a way of life.

All right, can I try?

Please, senor, you have to wear the sneaker.

Please?

Please, senor to my current makeup the sneaker.

Neither of you get the job.

Okay, can I try?

Yeah.

Listen up, brother, to my.

You already did macho.

You already did macho, man.

Oh, fuck.

And it bombed.

No.

If I recall correctly, it bombed.

No.

You thought

you were like, hey, Nick, why don't you fucking softball it to me?

Why don't you do your read?

And I'm like, all right, I'll try it out.

Oh, yeah.

Watch this.

It's chess.

It's not chess.

Yeah, I was telling him my next move ahead of time.

No, that's checkers.

Oh, fuck.

Okay, here we go.

Chess is that I already secretly have a deal with Nike.

And that I was like, don't worry, I'll gaslight Ian into thinking he's replacing Stob this week.

You just have somebody send him the copy and

we'll work it in.

We'll work the Nike reading.

Yeah, this has been a ruse.

This is never being released.

Here, Adam, read a deodorant.

I'm going to do the wipes one.

Ever sit ever sit on a toilet and have that never-ending wipe

well those days are over

that's not a very good one you when you hear well those days are over do that but talk quieter ever sit on a toilet

bring it down ever sit on a toilet and have that never-ending wipe you're making your voice crackle you need to you're like a frog in your throat ever sit on the toilet you got

ever sit on the toilet

and have that never-ending wipe the first time i saw it

Hello, Clarice.

Well, those days are over.

Have you ever sat in a toilet?

Have you ever worn a pair of Nikes?

It's a belief.

A focus group.

Okay, I'll do the pine saw one.

Pine saw.

Do pinesaw's ace ventura.

Pine saw is a cleaner.

Okay, this is my ace ventura.

And what could be cleaner?

Whoever said that the snip.

The ovens at Auschwitz.

That's good, John Hamm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What are you saying, Don?

We need to do

a Nazi version of pine soul?

Pine soul is the gas they use in the gas charger.

No, that's just a line from Training Day.

It says the gas smells like pine soul.

I don't know.

I was pretty pissed off watching that movie.

That a white man would have a black boss.

I didn't get to the end where you find out the black boss is bad.

Yeah.

I would have felt better.

Yeah,

that movie's about how you can't have a black boss.

Sucking dick and eating ass.

Getting fucked in my mouth and ass battle.

All right, I'm going to do deodorant.

This is how I would do the read.

All right, dude.

Whenever I feel like a sweaty slob, there's one assurance it gives me peace of mind: deodorant.

Just one wipe under each armpit, and I'm good to go for days.

Heck, I don't even need to shower for one whole week.

That's how good this shiz is.

This shiz.

This shiz.

Would you buy deodorant from that man?

Huh?

Would you buy deodorant from that man?

Uh, no.

What?

I wouldn't buy it from an ad.

No, no.

My mind is selling on the street and smoked to you like that.

Would you buy it from me?

Yeah.

Yes.

Yes.

That's how good this shiz is.

Actually, I smell pretty bad right now.

Dude, I had to do one read where I was like a gay bear in a children's story.

Like a

300-pound guy.

No, no, no.

Like a stuffed bear that was like gay out and proud and one of the lines was like goodbye felicia it was like so stereotypical what they would think like a a gay character would be wow

bye felicia who's like there that's the thing that's what i love about commercials the people that make commercials are the most out of touch fucking overpaid untalented losers in the entire world totally oh yeah the worst and

it's all the creatives at the company.

Yeah, right.

And you go in there and it's all like fucking like, yeah, Cheerios are on fleek.

It's like, yeah, it's 2021.

How are you fucking like, yeah.

Nick and I, well, Nick, Nick brought me on a couple jobs that we used to PA on commercials.

Uh-huh.

And

yeah, those people that are running the show there are just the absolute worst people on earth.

I had to drive some bitch, some like Estee Lauder, like

fucking global marketing or I forget which makeup company it was.

But she said, you know, we struck up a conversation and she's in the car and it's like, you know, she's only in the car 30 minutes and you can tell that this is like, this is someone that has never once in their life thought like, how's the bill going to get paid ever?

Right, right, right.

Just fucking, she went to some bullshit school.

Got like a communications degree.

Yeah.

Fucking had a job.

I had like a girl, like a fake rich girl job set up for her.

Like, I just, well, I like makeup and skincare, so then I got the job as you know, like a C-suite fucking job, like immediately is like, you know, saying, like, I like this makeup.

Yeah, I like it.

Let's do it.

Yeah, we'll go.

And like, what if the commercial is in Milan and it's a woman and she's wearing makeup?

We'll find it, we'll find an ad agency to do it.

Let's just use one of the three biggest ad agencies there is, and they'll make the same commercial that they've been making for 50 years.

And

it's in Milan, and I get paid $600,000 a year,

which is good because I'm like earning my own money now.

I'm like 32, and I'm finally earning my own money.

My dad cut me off.

Oh, my God.

And it was the best thing that ever happened.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because it's like, you know, I mean, it's like, yeah, I asked my parents for support.

I understand a lot of people don't have that, but like, how am I supposed to afford $8,700 a month in rent

for a one-bedroom in the West Village?

Yeah, to live, yeah, to live directly on the park.

Yeah.

Dude, that infused...

I was just talking to a friend, catching up, and I was like, oh, how's so-and-so?

And they're like, oh, they just bought a house.

I'm like,

huh.

With what?

What are they doing?

Well, I go, did her, you mean?

She goes, yeah, I think that goes without saying.

I was like, oh, well, that sucks.

And this is a person that's very like...

Useless.

Yeah, but also very like left on the side of like, we need to

put people in.

You can't fault.

You can't say, like, that's not hypocritical of them to have those opinions.

That's good.

If they're a rich person, they understand those things.

That's good.

That's not the people you fault.

It's this fucking like makeup lady that's like, you know, you know, she, I mean, I don't know.

You know, I'm also just probably just fucking criticizing.

I have no idea what her politics are.

We didn't have any conversation about it.

But yeah, I mean, if it's like.

Well, no, no.

I'm like this person also

in like a Taiwanese-owned coffee shop years ago.

In a Taiwanese coffee shop.

Listen to me.

I know, but I'm trying to understand what words you're saying.

Like, it was a small business.

This guy and his dad owned this coffee shop.

Really small.

This guy is Taiwanese.

Yes.

The people that own

everything I said

I take back.

She is not Taiwanese.

Oh, okay.

Taiwan trash.

Taiwan is trash.

Yeah,

Taiwan is China.

Taiwan is Chinese.

You mean a Chinese-owned coffee shop?

It's a Chinese coffee shop.

No Taiwan.

Yes.

And so

i saw the voice

coming up next on the voice

okay vietnamese yeah fucking just how it mandel

nailed it perfect randy jackson you got the sauce you got you putting the sauce on the flavor you know what i'm saying you got the flavor you're putting the sauce sauce on top of it.

I love what you're doing, brother.

Oh, man.

So what happened with this girl that has a house now?

So it was this

coffee shop, and

I used to go there a lot.

I saw her in there.

I sat, we talked for a little, and then I left.

And the next time I went back, the guy was like, hey, do you know that girl that you were talking to?

I go, yeah.

And he goes, can you do me a favor?

She wrote a really long, negative Yelp review on our shop, and it can lead to like hurting our business.

Can you ask her to take it down?

And I was like, oh, Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

But it's like she's rich and

purports to be this, you know,

we need to help out these la la la.

And then like she's writing bad Yelp reviews about.

And she's Taiwanese?

Am I being punked?

No.

She's white.

Oh, because like when she's hot, also, real quick, blue shoe hot.

Yeah, blue shoe.com.

What?

Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah.

Well, good for her.

That makes sense, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Also, that's not somebody that would describe as a leftist.

Yeah.

She's just a woman.

Yeah.

She's just a woman.

You know, these fucking feminist radicals.

How does Randy Jackson continue to lose weight?

He lost the weight 10 years ago, and every time you can like, he looks hat.

Yeah, how Randy Jackson lost 114 pounds after losing 382 pounds.

He weighed 1,000 pounds.

My man weighed 11 pounds.

So Blue Chew.com.

What a company.

What a website.

Bluetooth.com.

Certainly wouldn't need Blue Bluechew.com to smash

the Patriarch.

Eileen Good.

Yes.

Eileen Good.

If you love sex, you're going to love this damn website, Bluetooth.com.

And you can go there to find out if sex with a chewable tablet is right for you.

Now, you might be confused by that copy.

You're not having sex with the tablet.

You're having sex with a woman or man.

But you're chewing down this

sildenophil and talatophil,

which are generic versions of Viagra and Cialis.

What's included?

You talk to 100% U.S.

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Prescriptions are,

they give you a consultation for sildenophil or tiladophil.

Professional ED-focused medical support, no waiting rooms, no appointments, 30 or 45 milligrams of sildenophil, or six or nine of

tadalophil.

We still can't say those damn words.

Tradatradalophil.

And And listen, guys.

I got to re-up the Blue Chew.

I got to get back.

I used to use it.

No, I used to.

I felt like it had a positive effect on my

circulation.

Really?

Yeah, in general.

Huh.

I'll get to hear about that in the copy.

Because you can't say that because it's a medicine.

So that's for a specific thing, I think.

In fact, I should probably not even say that.

Yeah, that's a claim that Blue Chew does not stand up.

I only took the Sedenophil.

I took the Cialis one.

Which is the 360.

The Viagra one I took one time and it felt like I was having an allergic reaction.

It like fucking, because it makes everything kind of swell.

It felt like my nose was trying to get hard.

I get hot ears from Blue Chews.

Do you take the black or the grey blue?

I'm so afraid of having a heart attack if I take it.

No, I think it does the opposite.

Huh.

Dude, I started taking.

Do you have high blood pressure?

Yeah.

I have to fucking like really manage my shit, but I started taking that like COQ.

You're high cholesterol, too.

That COQ10 shit.

Just daily.

I don't know.

It's some fucking enzyme.

But immediately.

On average, it's like a four or five

point drop.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, it really works.

Yeah, that in a combination with a really cut down coffee.

Like, I only do like in the mornings, a couple of coffees in the morning.

And you

all day long.

I stopped vaping.

Stopped vaping.

And then like, I mean, obviously, no more cocaine.

But that's great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, here's the deal, guys.

You go to this website and you sign up for this damn thing.

You talk to a licensed medical professional.

And it doesn't have to be a pain.

It doesn't have to be expensive.

It doesn't have to be embarrassing.

And it doesn't have to be inconvenient.

You have it shipped directly to your door.

That means no visits and awkward conversations with the pharmacist.

It comes in discrete packaging, which you can hide immediately immediately.

The second

your girlfriend wants to go check the mail.

You could push her back into the apartment and then run down to the mailbox and tell her that you were waiting on a gift for her.

But in some ways it is a gift for her and it's a gift for you too.

So

I don't know.

I don't really have the copy, but you may have heard of this product on Pardon the Interruption or the Love Hour podcast or Cometown Podcast, which you're listening to right now.

So go over, talk to a licensed medical professional come up with the plan that suits you the best i would suggest it's the 30 pills a month plan oh yeah brother

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that's uh what is it that's the pro deal and so for only 120 a month you can uh get a 45 milligram

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Tell them Cometown sent you.

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And tell your girlfriend that come, or boyfriend that Come Town sent you.

And gave you that rock, hard confidence in the bedroom that you've been lacking your entire life.

Is that good?

Your entire life?

Yeah, that was good.

Yeah,

I've been lacking that.

Just suck my dick and eat my ass.

So, Ian, what do you think about this?

Fuck my mouth and fuck my ass.

What about this war?

Oh, man.

It's controversial, but I think it's bad.

Yeah.

The

Ukrainians or the Russians?

Oh, I thought we were talking about against the feminists.

Oh.

Right, fellas?

I didn't realize.

Someone bumped my mic.

Yeah, bump.

Woo!

Anyway.

All right, cool.

So that's politics hour.

Let's go through and read some of Ian's tweets.

Oh, no.

Wait, how did that tweet come up?

Because I sent it to Nick and Sam.

I said that you made a good ass point.

Look at this good ass point point our boy made.

For a second, I was like, oh, cool.

And then I realized I was being mercilessly mocked.

I was like, oh fuck.

No, we just told him to retweet it.

We just told them to retweet it.

I thought it was so funny.

It was very funny.

Yeah.

The best tweet you ever did was the one with the pen and legislation.

Dude, that's by 60 million dicks, you fucking fad.

Dude, that is the because of the, dude, oh my god.

Republicans only

whatever.

With a pen.

All jokes aside, true.

I don't know.

I don't know what the point of like 2015, it'll just randomly show up once someone will be like, like.

I'm like, the pen and legislation.

No, I thought that was so funny.

Having a hard time daily trying to process what a vile piece of shit shake is from Love is Blind.

Yep.

I'm i'm not watching that show right now are you no i don't i'm not watching it why i am watching this other show with my girlfriend currently on netflix called byron bays what and it's a show about australia it's like uh it's like hype house but australian what's hype house it's a show about influencers in america but this one is uh australian uh-huh and uh these people are great they're like yeah they like they like

they accuse like we know your followers are fake we know you bought them like i ran your i ran your account through our software and you have 600 000 followers in turkey and they yeah and then they live together no they they all live in different places but they yeah they all go at each other

and it's just on top of all of that like they don't have the i mean even i think american influencers have some sort of processed shame about like behind like using that as an identity as being like an influencer.

I think they try to like say it in a different way.

But these guys are Australian, so they have absolutely no shame.

Right.

And they think that it's really cool.

Yeah.

So

it's really, it's, it's very entertaining.

What's it called?

Byron Bay?

Byron Bays.

Yeah, they all live in this

like what looks like the most stunningly beautiful place on earth.

And yeah, they're just like, they're constantly accusing each other of being fake and stuff.

So, wait, do they endorse products or like what is their

social media presence?

Yeah,

they do those.

I don't know.

Yeah, they have like a drama.

They have hookups and drama.

And

it's really,

it's great because it's like a culture that's consuming American culture and then regurgitating it in like it went through like some sort of like AI software.

Like there's something like alien about it, and like, kind of off about it.

And so, yeah, but it's just great, like, hearing them talk about their followers and how they mean everything to them.

Followers are fags.

I don't even know who you're talking about.

I just heard the accent, and I jumped in.

I've been taking care of some emails.

It just goes into accent mode.

Yeah, no, it's a show about Australian influence.

Coming up on Australian voice, the voice, Australia.

Hi, my name's Clinton.

I'm from the Gold Coast.

And,

you know, yeah, I guess I'll go ahead and give it a shot here.

So,

oh, good day, mate.

Good day, Maida.

Yeah, good day, Maida, Crokey, Bimbo.

Excellent job.

That's it's very hard to do Australian Chinese,

even for us, which is you know, that's what we hear normally.

Australian African.

Oh, I don't know.

Good day, man.

Coconut kangaroo.

Really, uh, really good stuff.

Yeah, great stuff.

Really, just a heap.

Yeah, that was smash it.

good yeah

uh

i would say it's uh you're just doing the regular american uh you know african guy and then saying you know crikey bimbo kangaroo which

bimbo that part doesn't

yeah that doesn't make any sense yeah that doesn't track it doesn't make any sense yeah why would you say bimbo why would bimbo be in there or you think people are over there in in africa just slutting it up?

Well, no, I mean, we don't say, it's not like bimbo is, you know, something we're saying.

But, like, phonetically, it could be African.

Yeah.

It's Finnish.

It sounds African.

Hold on, I'm going to cut you off, right?

I believe Adam is completely, he's fucking up the bit.

No, I'm not.

He doesn't understand.

It's not that fucking Africans would say bimbo.

It's that you're doing African voice and say Australian stuff.

Oh, I know.

So it doesn't make sense because bimbo.

Sorry, sorry.

Australian.

Well, you threw me off when you said coconut, you know, because that's also

that's what makes it African.

Right, so I thought the bimbo aspect was you.

No, I thought the bimbo aspect was

bimbo kangaroo.

Yes, that's the Australian part.

Okay, coconut banana is that that's just normal African guy stuff.

Well, it could be Australian, too.

Sorry.

I think I might go to Joe's shape mine a little bit.

Get some soupy dumpies.

Yeah.

What if I did a reverse Mel Gibson and I just spent the rest of my life pretending to be Australian?

Yeah, would they get pissed off at that?

No, but then I could just deny.

What if I did that?

Now I'm Australian, but

I guess I kind of already blew my load because I'm already a racist.

You're ready to go.

Yeah, they already see me as like a.

But if I had been like,

what if I had been Ryan Seacrest?

Yeah.

And then I'd I'd start doing an Australian accent.

I'm like, the fucking Holocaust is fake.

Yeah.

It's not real.

Yeah.

That's my opinion as an Australian man.

Right.

And they'd be like, that's messed up.

Where the fuck was Mel on all this shit prior to doing a racist impression of American?

Have you seen that video where the Cholo guy

like taking a cell phone camera video of Mel Gibson changing his tire?

Yeah.

It's the best.

It's amazing.

It's the best.

I love it.

Why are you out here alone?

Why are you out here alone?

Mel Guison.

Are you Mel Gibson?

Are you Mel Guisan?

Yes.

Do you want to see an amazing photobomb?

Yeah, sure.

You suck my dick and eat my ass.

But it's you photobombing Mel Gibson?

No.

Wow, it is?

Yes.

Wow, that rocks.

I'm on the record as being a big fan of his.

I don't care what he's doing.

I just re-watched Apocalyptico.

Apocalypto?

Apocalypto.

That movie is badass.

What did you call it?

Apocalyptico?

Where's that from?

Gayest Kid in School Comes Route.

What is that, Mel Gibson's backpack?

Apocalypto.

Where's the photo bomb?

It's in my favorites form.

I'm looking.

I'm looking.

Yeah, Apocalypto rocks, dude.

It's I am Jaguar Paul.

It's so cool.

Just suck my dick and eat my ass.

I tell you.

Wow.

Wait, where are you?

Wow.

How'd you pull that off?

That's Groy.

I was at...

Oh, and his, like, liaison came up to me and was like, I just want to let you know, Mel loves your jacket.

Like, he wouldn't compliment me.

What was the jacket?

Where was this?

Was it a wedding?

I think you told me this story.

Wait, Mel Gibson was at the wedding?

Yeah.

Mel Gibson was there.

Gene Simmons was there.

Whose wedding was this?

Taylor's.

Taylor Swift?

Uh-huh.

Taylor Kay.

Taylor who?

Kay.

Why was Mel Gibson at his wedding?

Because his father-in-law is friends with Mel Gibson.

Wow.

Like a bunch of old friends.

Taylor's family knows Mel Gibson.

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

He just seemed like a regular old guy.

The regular guy.

Yeah.

Yeah, I should have given him a little bit more

when he moved to to new york i missed that dude yeah he was a cool guy yeah he's talk every day he's the best really yeah chad say say what up i fucking yeah i just

he could fucking cry i can't remember the last time i saw him we had like a lot he's like the funniest unintentional yeah

one of the funniest he's like bad rich now right yeah he made like a bunch of money off like halfway houses halfway houses yeah yeah sober living facilities

he moved he moved out there and like started a business yeah he owns a couple halfway houses they're great yeah yeah it's a great business business.

Yeah, that's like the thing.

If you do get sober and you go through the halfway house system, you then understand how that business works.

And it's just like, I guess, mad money.

Yeah, it's also you could have a business in a residential area because the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Yeah.

So you're like, you, and also, it's not a rehab facility, too.

So you basically just drug test them and then you have like a pre-time work.

It's a very regimented house.

Like everyone has chores.

They go out and they like do volunteer work.

They go on these, like, you know, like, social media.

I lived in, I lived in a, I worked in a halfway house and I lived in, it was called like a three-quarter house.

It was an Oxford house.

So like, we didn't have live-in managers, but we all had like set times to be home and like

curfews.

Yeah.

And like different roles in the house and weekly meetings and like, you know, certain rules and everything.

Yeah.

And

I lived there for two years.

It's like super cheap, too.

It's such a funny, the The halfway houses are very weird because

it's like

obviously.

There's a difference between that.

It's like a very unique form of treatment, like of substance or behavioral treatment.

Yeah, it's like a step-down reintroduction to society house.

Like, it really helps.

And I think it's necessary.

I think there should be tons of halfway houses for people coming out of jail, people coming out of rehab.

Well, like,

probation is absurd.

It's just like, we're just going to annoy you.

If you're on parole or probation, it's probation sucks.

You're just going going to live your life.

It's a regiment, like understanding.

All probation and parole are, is like, we're going to make you spend two to five years having extreme anxiety about bus schedules.

Yeah.

That's it.

That's all.

And if you fuck up once, you're done.

Exactly.

And then you have to go back to jail.

Yeah.

It's terrible.

But like the step-down unit is huge.

And like, dude, I saw guys, we guys that lived with us got out of jail, whatever, and like they got their lives together.

And the house gave them the structure structure that they, and also my house is like really good, so we had a lot of support from the other guys and everything.

We called our house the diamond of the north.

Wow.

Because if you live in these houses in the city, there'd be a guy like shooting dope in the room next to you, smoking crack.

And you're like, I don't feel.

Oh, so you did one outside the city?

I did one.

Yeah, I did one in Newport.

Delaware.

And the house I lived in was directly across the street from the house.

My mom threw me my 18th birthday surprise party at a bowling alley.

Oh, wow.

Oh, you're across the street from the bowling alley?

Yeah.

So I had like an 18th birthday there with like all my friends the whole future ahead of me.

And then I ended up in the halfway house across the street.

Right across the street.

Yeah.

You made it half a block.

Yeah.

But

no, it was.

Well, I guess there's a difference between halfway houses and sober living facilities.

Yeah, I was in like, it was, well, they called it a three-quarter house because it was between a halfway house and like a full sober living.

What's the original lead phone list of Color Me Bad?

Sorry, continue.

What the fuck is this?

No, no.

Nick and I were watching videos of the guy from Color Me Bad.

Brian Abrams.

Why?

Brian Abrams.

I might buy a little cameo to promote.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, I'm in Austin

for.

Oh, dude.

You sold out, right?

They sold out, but we're adding Sunday shows.

If you're in Austin,

Texas.

Damn, I forgot.

I should have done that.

It's April 2nd, probably.

Yeah, but can't you record and then cut it in?

No, we're not going to do that.

We're not going to do that.

I already sold out all the shows.

We're adding some.

Well, can we do it with my dates?

Sunday, Sunday, for Sunday, Sunday, Sunday.

April 3rd, Austin, Texas.

I'm at the Creek in the Cave.

There is a 7 p.m.

show.

If that sells out, it probably will.

We'll add a 9 p.m.

show.

God damn.

If both of those sell out, then we'll see about maybe doing

either late show Thursday, if that's possible, or maybe late show Friday, Saturday.

Figure it out.

Yeah, so go ahead.

So that's your big return, too.

Yeah.

Austin Blue does good.

We'll see.

We'll see if I can even do an hour.

I have no idea.

You'll know.

You could literally go up and talk, and people would fucking love it.

I know.

That's the thing is, like, is which is good and bad.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm like a YouTuber, basically.

I mean, it's like fucking bullshit.

It's not artistic.

What people pay for is afterwards they get to like

come out and repeat things to me from the show.

Yeah, the VIP experience.

Yeah, call me gay or something.

I go, okay, okay.

And then I smile and there's nothing in my eyes and you take a picture and

then you know I wake up and I say is it worth it?

You wake up screaming.

Is it worth it?

And you know what?

The the sh the sh short answer is yes.

Ultimately yes.

Ultimately yes, it is worth it.

So yeah, come out and then.

Is it not a gift to bring joy to others?

No, not even bring joy to others.

I mean it's like, you know, I definitely prefer to be doing this and like still, you know, working.

Banging a hammer.

Well, not even a hammer.

I never had like a fun hammer job.

I had some fun hammer jobs.

Yeah.

Whatchamacallit?

Oh, I just want.

When's this coming out?

Today.

Oh.

Today, yeah.

Cool.

Next

Friday, March 25th, I'm in Elmsford, New York.

April 1st and 2nd, Vermont Comedy Club.

Me and Jordan Jensen.

Going to be a a lot of fun.

That'd be a good show.

Yeah, she's great.

She's a best friend.

She's been on the podcast.

Yeah.

She's a really good one.

That was a lot of fun.

We love her.

Yeah, she's fantastic.

So me and her.

We're not gonna hear it.

We love Eileen Goo.

We like Jordan.

I've met Jordan once.

Respect the we respect her as a comedian, but not as a woman.

Whoa, hey, not cool.

Why?

She's not going to hear this shit.

April 1st and 2nd, Vermont Comedy Club, come on out.

Gonna be a lot of of fun.

And Soprano's Prima Volta with me and Sam Roberts.

And bye, guys.

You guys should come and do Black Devil.

That sounds great.

What did you say?

Come and do Black Guys?

Yeah.

Where is that?

Central Park.

All right.

Whatchamacallit?

Oh, iAnimal6.

On Instagram.

Twitter.

Twitch.

Yeah, check out.

Running the train.

Oh, and I also want to say thank you to everyone for being cool.

Yeah.

The Cometown fans.

No, that's where you go wrong.

You can't do this.

Don't do this.

Because then they're going to start not being

any bum to see you.

I'm just looking at pictures of Rihanna pregnant.

And his face lost all expression.

She's hot always.

She's my number one.

She might be number one.

Learn to play it, right?

If her and Eileen goo, you gotta know when to hold them.

You gotta know when to fold them.

You gotta, how's it go?

Yeah.

Then he sucked the dick and

fucked me in my ass.

That song is about embracing your boys.

Yeah.

That song's awesome.

I love that song because the song's about just being on some bullshit train, and then the guy next to you is like, can I drink some of your alcohol?

He's like, let me tell you something.

I've been a gambler my whole life.

And it's all about knowing when to hold them, knowing when to fold them.

And then he just sits there and dies.

That's how the song goes.

He dies in the song.

The fucking gambler just dies on the train sitting next to Kenny

Rogers.

Yeah, but that's what he's doing is imparting his wisdom.

Yeah.

That's his final act.

Yeah.

His final breath is so Kenny Rogers could write a famous song about it.

Yeah, I'm trying to remember the exact lyric, but it's like.

And you know what?

The song's not just about poker.

It's about life.

Yep.

Yeah.

I didn't realize that.

I thought it was going to be a poker song.

Of course.

But really, what it is.

It's about the game of life.

The game of life.

Remember when I came over here and beat all of you in poker?

That was great.

I don't remember that.

Is that when you shit your pants?

I didn't shit.

I sharded.

You sharded.

I shot it.

Which happened to all of us.

I sharded.

And I sharded about a year ago.

I went aware and took everyone's money.

Yeah, so every gambler knows the secret to survive and there's no one to throw away, no one to keep.

Because every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser.

And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep.

Jesus.

And when he finished speaking, he turned back toward the window, crushed out his cigarette, and faded off to sleep.

And somewhere in the darkness, the gambler, he broke even.

But in his final words, I found an ace that I could keep.

Mm-hmm.

Damn.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're sad now, aren't you?

No, I'm inspired.

I thought that guy kept living.

I want to get that tattooed.

No, that's the gambler.

He broke even.

I thought he kept living.

No, when he breaks even.

And he got that.

He won the binions.

He breaks even when he dies.

And somewhere in the darkness, the gambler, he broke even.

Because you can't take it with you when you go.

I would be down to play poker sometimes.

Yes.

I love poker.

I like playing.

Yeah.

I like it a lot.

The best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep.

That's the best line in the song.

I love that part.

That's true.

That is absolutely true.

I really like poker.

I like that part about dying in your sleep.

That's your one takeaway.

The best that you can hope for is to meet a guy in the park.

How are we doing on time?

Oh, we're good.

And when he finished sleeping, he turned back to all the windows.

Crushed at his cigarette and faded off to sleep.

can you imagine how worse that song would be if it was an australian song

oh we're done what about

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