Ep. 300 – ffff

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This is Bethany Frankl from Just Be with Bethany Frankl.

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Because

I found out my bandaise.

No, I didn't, but I hit record already, so

you might want to put the kibosh on

industry secrets.

No, what he said about

Jewish guys that fuck Asian women.

What did he say about Jewish guys?

that's pretty funny?

I I don't think Asian women look like boys to me personally.

I don't think not Stav's not here, so I'm gonna do the thing where I defend a type of woman from

any uh any kind of

I think I think you're all beautiful.

Hit me up.

Hit me up.

If you're one of them, get my DMs.

Yeah.

So I can sexually fuck you.

So I can I can be

an ally by sexually fucking you.

You know, I'm getting down.

I'm going to tell you a lot of people are just checking in to hear how the puzzle's going.

So I'm going to tell you.

How many pieces is this puzzle, Nick?

It's 1,500.

1,500.

It's getting down to it.

I mean, I figured there'd be one or two pieces missing.

It's looking like it's going to be like 10 or more.

What you bought this used?

No.

No, I'm just.

You just lost the puzzle.

You know, I get.

I get it.

You know, I get into it, dude.

I get in the zone.

They get stuck to my forearms.

Yeah, let's let's get some more puzzle updates.

My meaty forearms.

Yeah.

Nick's forearms are looking great.

Yeah.

Vascular.

Yeah.

If you guys want to post about that.

Vascular, because I got to, I started, I started eating beets,

doing a little beet pomegranate berry mix-up in the Vitamix in the morning to try and save my heart, guys.

We're doing 90 days.

90 days.

To save my life.

Yeah.

Or your life.

Anyway, guys, welcome to Cometown.

It's Nick and Adam today.

It's Nick and Adam, the classic.

The classic, the original.

Yeah, we actually purchased Stav from the circus.

When the show started, they were selling a fat man.

And I said, this is going to be...

This is our ticket to ride.

Yeah, Stav can't be here today because he's on the Jenny Jones show with his mother.

So me and Adam are having one of our classic hangs.

I'm going to do a puzzle.

Maybe I'll let Adam smoke a cigarette in my apartment.

I'm drinking a beer in the middle of the day.

I might have a hard kombucha and then we're going to watch Wanda.

Oh, man.

You know what?

How's that for a fucking afternoon?

It's a great film.

It's a great afternoon.

It's a great afternoon.

I'm thinking, I'm just trying to curate an afternoon here.

Now, give me one faggot second while I pull up the calendar and figure out what the

figure out what.

Sorry, what were you saying?

Nothing.

Oh, I was saying Stav is on the Jenny Jones show with his mother.

I think that was going to go nowhere, probably.

It was going to be something like, oh, help.

My eight-year-old is 900 pounds or something.

We're going to do a fat joke about our friend that's not here behind his back.

My eight-year-old.

Well, I'll tell you, the thing about Stav is you're never quite behind his back.

You save the bit, once again.

Once again.

You're never quite

behind his back.

What's today?

February 22nd.

22nd.

It is the day after President's Day.

We are back live.

We're not live, but we're back.

My shit is all fucked up.

My shit is super fucked up.

Well, I don't have the right Google calendar on here.

I'm going to have to talk for 30 seconds.

I'm going to go pull up.

I need to figure out what the ad reads are.

Okay.

All right.

Yeah.

Tell them the story about

you're saying your sister was upset this morning.

I don't want to say that.

Okay.

Well, tell them that story.

I'm going to go get the counter.

Oh, man.

Well, guys, here's your chance.

This is the Adam Show.

You've been waiting for it for a long time.

I've gotten a lot of DMs to say you should have your own podcast.

You don't need Nick.

You don't need Stavros.

Your talent stands on its own two feet.

And I appreciate those messages.

Nick is back now.

I was talking about all the content.

Now the computer decided it's going to install updates.

So I can't even.

Should we restart the episode?

I can't use the computer.

I wasn't even ready to start when we started the episode.

The podcast?

Yeah.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter at all.

Hey, look, as long as it goes up and the ad raids are on there where they're supposed to be,

we just collect the fucking money.

And then, you know, I don't know.

We'll just.

Look, we work hard.

We work hard,

dude.

And we play even.

I spent the weekend in beautiful Providence, Rhode Island.

Shout out to the USS Lobster Pot.

I was in gorgeous.

New favored restaurants.

I was in gorgeous Boston, Massachusetts.

Which I found out has...

Have you been to the North End before, Nick?

The North End.

They have a great...

It's like their little

inn.

End.

It's where Black Santa Claus is.

Yes, it is.

The North End.

Yeah.

And he's like, ho, ho, ho.

Folks, he said it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I wonder why he says that.

Because of their prostitutes.

Okay.

Oh, all we got today is my bookie.

Okay, great.

Yeah, they have a great little Italy in Boston.

Did not know that.

Yeah.

Also, I went to Boston's.

Diddle Little Me.

I went to Boston's Chinatown.

That was pretty good.

Little China.

Little China face.

That's what they call the

neighborhood.

Neighborhood.

That's the neighborhood I live in.

Damn, I got brain damage from too much fiber.

From being too healthy.

From being too healthy.

Thanks to everyone that came out to our show in Chicago, me and Nick.

I feel really good.

I want to get healthy.

I want to get healthy.

I got to say, you know, I've never really done cardio in my life, like regularly.

That's not true.

You were doing jump rope for a while.

Yeah, I was, but when I say regularly, I mean more than like six weeks in a row.

I mean, that's pretty good.

If I could do that, if I could do that regularly and not walk around just like a like a fucking tea kettle constantly, you know, just be subdued.

Yeah.

that'd be great just be relaxed always yeah you know my anus is always a little bit dilated well you got to start doing poppers yeah i would love doing cardio just i would love to just be anally dilated and relaxed from and people are like what's that smell and i'm like i'm an athlete

what's that open smell

open in here it smells like a man's open ass and i'm like yeah i've been meditating

i've I've been meditating to get my blood pressure down and as a side effect of that I now have open ass syndrome

that that's attaining true Zen I think is just having your asshole wide open what's going on with baseball spring training's not happening oh because the family

the DSA DSA yeah I don't know They're doing they're doing a late, they're doing a hecking labor.

Oh my god.

Well, I know that Bernie was trying to save

the minors.

I think they were trying to end minor league baseball.

Oh, really?

I thought you meant minors.

Minors are always, every couple of years they're getting trapped in one of those mines.

And at this point, it's like, you know what?

Fool me want.

You know, I got no more sympathy for people trapped in mines.

It's true.

Don't go down there.

Yeah.

Don't go down there.

Start a fucking race.

Starbucks is fucking hiring.

Yeah.

And they'll pay for your college.

Okay.

Let me put myself

in the shoes and mind of one of these geniuses that decides to

go play minecart mayhem

down in

down

at the shores of hell.

It's true.

It's like, okay, hmm.

Oh, let's see.

I need to make money to feed my family.

I can either go into a dangerous, gas-filled mine that could collapse at any point.

And die at 34.

Or I could learn how to make coffee, help people who have more important jobs get to their jobs by caffeinating them

with

a delicious

pumpkin fucking

whatever.

Maybe sell them a John Legend CD.

And if they so choose, as mandated by my corporate manager,

they can ask me about my race.

They can ask me about

yeah they can say what race are you and I can say I'm white and then

you know from what I understand then they they're allowed to lecture me yeah about my privilege yeah I guess I mean the only benefit of the I'll do that is that you get to you can say the n-word down there you can say the n-word you can't do that at Starbucks you can do blackface too you they do they that's part of the job that's part of the job

and I think a lot of these racists are going down to these mines to get their faces covered in coal so they can do a

hello mammy type of

Mr.

Bojangles.

The tricky part is that you can't tell who's actually black down there.

You know, that's where they would have a canary, and they'd teach it to say the N-word.

Right.

And if the bird was ever shot to death or stabbed, then they'd know trouble's afoot in the mine.

Some guy's not suited up.

We've got a natural coal breather.

Yep.

And

I didn't know that that's that's what the canary was for, but that makes a hell of a lot of sense.

Yeah, it's figuring out who the black guy is

in the coal mine.

Because

he'd stab the bird that he can

upon hearing the N-word and becoming enraged.

Yeah.

It's a test.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that's labor history for you guys.

You don't hear that from the damn DSA.

Yeah.

We're telling you actually

at the working man's play.

Oh my god, me too.

I'm just about ready to quit.

I've got half a mind to go to the next DSA meeting with a loaded gun and to just start firing indiscriminately.

Yeah.

I've got half a mind to do that.

Yeah.

I'm not saying I'm going to.

I was about to snap the other day.

Yeah.

And I was ready to do that, but I found out I went to the wrong meeting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You were at the crochet.

I was at the crochet.

For introduction to crochet.

I thought it was the DSA.

At the Kings County Company.

I I was like, listen, you fucking purple hairs, you ruined our solidarity movement.

You tried to lord over us nice white men who have the same material interests as you.

And they were like,

this is a crochet club.

I tell you, though, I will forever be grateful to the DSA for teaching me how to do really good television criticism on Twitter.

That's the main thing.

That's the thing that's the main benefit of becoming an intellectual by voting for the first time in my life two years ago.

Yeah, which makes me an intellectual now is that now when I go on Twitter and I talk about a TV show, I can look at it through the critical lens of Marxism.

Of dialectical materialism.

It's true.

I thought that Bojack Horseman was pretty confusing

until I had it explained to me.

Well, I was watching Euphoria recently.

Yeah, me too.

And I didn't really understand any of the plot, but I was looking up.

Really confusing show.

I just was mad mad that I can't fuck that girl.

Oh my god.

Yeah, it gets me so mad.

I watch Euphoria and the buff.

And I realize it's not because I'm a fucking loser fag that you wouldn't fuck.

It's because of

dialectical capitalism.

Yeah.

Late capitalism.

It's because of late capitalism.

Late capitalism.

Yes.

Yeah, it's the late capital

capitalization.

It's the capitalization of commodities.

It's a fucking tale as old as time right there, brother.

And if it weren't for that, if we had communist,

she would be, yeah, she would have

the communist states of America branded shackles around their ankles.

That's true.

Hooked up to union-powered machines spreading her legs apart for me to deposit my worker seed

into her body.

She'd be kind of like

the queen of an ant colony.

And while it sounds like I'm I'm describing rape, she's all she asked.

She wanted that.

No, she's getting the power.

She's a child to me.

She's getting the power

and labor.

In this scenario, it sounds bad, but

that's just how things work under communism.

Listen, brother, you don't have to apologize.

We don't have to explain ourselves.

Right.

She was actually pursuing me.

I was like, you know, I can take it or leave it.

I could have sex with any woman I wanted.

And she's like, please use a giant communist machine to rave me.

A diesel powder.

Yeah.

Some kind of like Stalin air.

Something with a smoke stick.

Please use it.

Please use a factory to rape me.

And,

you know, naturally, I brought this up at the last DSA meeting.

And they said two things to me.

First and foremost, please leave.

And second of all, this is the introduction to crocheting.

Yeah, this is an introduction to crocheting for survivors of rape.

And yeah, there was

a lot of them doing self-ear muffs and going, la la la la la la.

Now we're cooking, guys.

Listen, I know it was a little rocky for the first five minutes there, but we really, I think, tapped into something good there.

What's that girl's name?

I like the show.

Sidney Sweeney.

She always looks drunk.

That's like a.

I like that she's always crying and looks drunk.

Yeah, all the Gen Z kids, they all got this.

Their brains are like irradiated by iPads, so their eyes are dim.

And it's weird because, you know, I have dead eyes.

And that's mostly a result of, I think

if I'm being honest, it's just because I don't wear my glasses.

Yeah, it's true.

So I can't see anything.

That's true.

I sort of look like a blind person.

But they have it from what?

From Xanax.

From Xanax, and then living there, like interacting with people mostly through screens.

You don't have to.

Yeah.

You don't have to.

And their parents are also dead-eyed, but that's because they were all just fucking like, you know, the Gen Xers were all just retail zombies.

They worked out.

Their parents are Gen X.

I guess I always think of everyone's parents as being boomers.

No, no, no.

Their parents are Gen X.

It was just weird because

their parents were at the mall.

You want to fuck them, and then you also want to fuck their parents.

It's a weird spot to be in.

You think about, you know, isn't that the truth, brother?

It's the truth.

You think about their mom.

Some just

some just like a whore going to College.

You know, you're a kid and you're like, damn,

what are these big gene whores up to?

They're reading books.

They're sucking dicks.

And here I am.

I'm eight and I'm a faggot.

It's true.

Our generation's babysitters were all of those Gen X

big gene mall girls.

Remember the Babysitters Club book series?

Oh, my God.

Do I remember?

Maybe I should get it.

Maybe I should start reading it.

I try to start my own chapter.

Maybe that's how I can understand women

you go back to the source go back to the babysitter go back to the babysitters club and that'll give us a bead on which direction women are going and that's true do you ever read any of those uh i can't say i did yeah me either no do you ever read any of the box car children yeah of course that was a great boys yeah it was for homeless folks homeless boys homeless children they solve mysteries too that i think they did yeah yeah yeah they were the older old there was a family of cars boys were into mysteries yeah Girls were into.

They had Nancy Drew and stuff.

I guess they had mysteries too.

And then if you were a loser, you liked Encyclopedia Brown.

Yeah, she was a fucking dumb.

Encyclopedia Brown was the worst of all.

She was the fucking Valma of all those books.

Encyclopedia Brown was a boy.

Oh, I thought it was a girl.

No.

I thought she was some unfuckable bitch that was solving mysteries.

No, it was a boy named Encyclopedia Brown.

Once again, I've been caught out on the show.

Yeah, it doesn't matter.

Style's not here to gas it up.

Normally, I'd.

I'm loving the one-on-one dynamic.

I'm feeling like a real even keel here.

Yeah.

Well, it's because

I got my blood pressure down.

Yeah, it's true.

You've been super chill since Chicago.

I'm not running hot.

I had a little heart attack.

Now I'm feeling better.

I'm on the Nick had a mini heart attack on Saturday night.

Very slight heart attack.

Yes.

But it was

like, you know.

He dealt with it like

all of our grandfathers and their fathers would have dealt with it, which is like sitting at the house and waiting it out.

And me and my girlfriend put on Seinfeld and just kept an ear to Nick's room to make sure.

I guess I couldn't have heard if you died.

Yeah.

Encyclopedia Brown, everyone's favorite boy detective.

Yeah, that guy's a fucking loser.

Yeah.

He kind of looks like you, sort of.

Oh, no, he doesn't.

Yeah, he does.

No, he doesn't.

Yeah, he does.

No, he doesn't.

That does look like a young animal free.

Come on, man.

Fuck.

No, it does.

I mean, look at him.

That literally looks like a 10-year-old version of you.

I guess so.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he's what?

He's just got fucking skulls in his room.

Maybe I'll, maybe I'll, after this, I'll wrap this up.

I'll go to the library.

I'll pick up Babysitters Club and Encyclopedia Brown.

Maybe that's what I'll do this afternoon.

I've been meaning

books for fifth grade

for a while.

Do you remember cracking open an animorph in fifth grade and being like, this is what adults, this is like a more grown-up?

No, I did not think it was what adults are.

I thought it was like I was like stopping being a baby and starting to be a teen.

It sucks.

I wish I loved reading now as much as I did back then.

You read a lot, bro.

Yeah, but it doesn't apply to Lilith.

It doesn't work the way it used to.

What do you mean?

You don't go into a fantasy dream world.

I don't go into a fantasy dream world, no.

No, yeah, it's true.

I don't like really

get sucked in.

Yeah.

I learned not to appreciate reading because I was every summer forced to do the summer library

like reading club thing.

So it became like something my parents wanted me to do.

So

it never gave me pleasure.

It just seemed like a fucking chore.

Yeah, I don't know anything about that.

Yeah.

And summer reading.

Yeah, I got a t-shirt.

Yeah.

If you read like tw like fifteen books, you got a t-shirt.

And that's gay.

Yeah, really gay.

I actually do have did get a t-shirt that said, Don't bug me, I'm reading.

You ever read The Chocolate War?

And it had a bug on it.

What?

No.

No, I remember reading it.

The Chocolate War?

Yeah.

Wow, we can really take that in a lot of directions, Nick.

Yeah.

But guess what?

I'll read that.

Maybe I'll just get back into reading children's books.

Yeah, I'm going to get back into Goosebumps, bro.

It's been a while since I got spooked.

Goosebumps is not good.

Animorse might be good.

Goosebumps is dog shit.

Absolute dog shit.

Really?

Yeah, I didn't like him as a kid.

You like had the...

I read gay shit, dude.

I read C.S.

Lewis.

I read all of C.S.

Lewis when I was a kid.

On my own.

I read Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

Yeah.

No, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader was my favorite.

I didn't read that one.

Yeah.

What was it?

It was all Christian?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and then I moved on.

I read Pure Christianity after that.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was reading Maxim's, FHM's,

Young.

I wrote a book on

how to finger.

You did?

C.S.

Lewis wrote a book on finding

you do the come here.

What did he say?

He said that that all all women can squirt really yeah what do you do you pull on their pussy you pull you try and rip it out

that's what they like yeah really that's what that's I mean that's in I think it's in Prince Caspian you yank it yeah yeah yeah there's a mouse there's a mouse who's a knight he's a giant mouse I remember that yeah yeah

but the lion was Jesus, right?

The lion, yeah, Aslan, the lion is Jesus.

And the mouse teaches the lion how to have finger.

That's badass.

Yeah.

Anyways, coming up on the children's book review podcast.

Babar.

Babar.

I always hated Babar.

No.

Always.

No, not me, bro.

Yeah.

I had Babar Sheets.

Did you?

Yeah.

I don't hold Betset.

There was something too foreign about Babar to me.

I liked it because my parents were from Africa.

It made me me feel like I was getting closer to my roots.

I didn't understand it.

I didn't understand why he was wearing a green suit.

Yeah.

I didn't, there were too many things going on with Babar.

No, I mean, Babar was like a

he was probably, you know, he was like an African dictator.

Yeah.

You know, he was kind of an idiom.

Yeah, idiom.

Yeah, Tiger.

He was a cannibal.

He was a cannibal.

Vicious cannibal.

Yeah.

He was eating the brains of his enemies.

And he was getting pussy from boy soldiers.

Yeah, look at this picture.

Who's that, Bill Clinton and Babar?

And it's Babar and Jeffrey Epstein.

What's going on?

They killed Jeffrey Epstein's friend.

Yeah, they killed his friend.

I really don't have any patience for all the people that are still Epstein people because...

Yeah, Nick's an Epstein hipster.

Well, I'm not an Epstein hipster.

You are.

I mean, and you deserve to be.

I'll tell you what the problem is.

Yeah.

It's like if you still want to get into all the Epstein stuff, you want to accuse the elites of raping children and

engaging in satanic rituals on an island,

but then in the same breath, turn around being like anyone questioning the CDC and Dr.

Fauci is a fascist anti-vaxxer.

Is that people are doing that?

It for sure are.

It's like either you're into the Epstein stuff and you think coronavirus is fake and the vaccines are popular.

And the Holocaust is not

real.

The Holocaust is real, not real, ancient history.

I don't care.

Yeah, water under the bridge.

Doesn't matter to me.

Yeah.

I'm not going to say the Holocaust didn't happen because, frankly, whether it did or didn't doesn't matter.

That's my story.

Okay.

The Holocaust, you guys can have that debate separately.

It's none of my business.

It does not matter.

That is not my business.

It's like the story of Jesus.

I don't care whether it's true or not.

Yeah.

I don't care.

It's like Santa Claus.

Yeah.

You know?

But you're saying if you.

If you buy into the Epstein thing,

if you want to get into

it, Steve didn't kill himself, all this stuff,

then you got to do the work.

You got to be here.

You got to show up every day.

We're on phase two of this thing right now.

You got to be on the team night and day.

Can't be a fair weather.

Because there's all these people, they did it with Pizzagate.

They said, this is all bullshit.

Turns out it wasn't.

Right.

Okay.

And they want to pick and choose where they get on and off the boat.

This isn't a buffet.

Parkland shooting.

Didn't happen.

Right.

Fake.

Literally, no one died.

No one died.

Yeah.

I mean, people died, but they were adults dressed as children.

Coronavirus is phase two of the Epstein thing because they killed him and then they...

They released the virus to cover it up.

Yeah.

So

you can't have one without the other.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

So who's his friend now?

Jean-Luc Picard has now been found dead in prison.

Yeah.

He killed himself too.

Supposedly.

What are you doing?

No, I don't want to do it yet.

Do it go ahead.

No.

It sounded whatever it is.

Arms fucking kids.

Yeah.

No, not good.

No, not really.

I was on the island.

No, it wasn't good.

You're doing like, it sounds like a fucked up Sean Connery kind of.

No, no, no.

That's not Sean Connery.

It's not Irish.

It's not Scottish.

Sounds like Babar, to be honest with you.

Dude, Babar's my guy, I told you.

But

the bar word.

The babar word.

Mm-hmm.

What were we talking about?

Panda Express.

Panda Express.

Pand Express used to be very good.

Did you see that?

It's still good.

I haven't had it on the road.

I'm sure it is still good.

We're going to go on the road.

A lot of people know this.

We're doing a tour.

Yeah, Nick and I are doing a tour.

Called

Cleaning Up, Taking Names,

bringing a gun, tour.

We have a gun, a tour.

Yeah, I have a gun.

The I Have a Gun.

The I Have a Gun.

Yeah.

And I know how to use it, Tor.

And if, and if, if, what's her name again, the girl?

The young lady from the TV show have been masturbated.

Sydney Sweeney.

If you happen to be there,

look out

because

we're about to have a quote-unquote revolution.

It's about to be October 1917.

Oh boy.

She's a very lovely young lady.

She's fucking fantastic.

Sydney, if you're listening.

If you're listening, you shouldn't fuck Nick.

You should fuck me.

I mean,

you shouldn't fuck either of us.

Honestly, you shouldn't fuck either of us.

We don't deserve it.

You shouldn't fuck either of us until we have full communism.

You're too young.

Honestly, your dick should fall off when you're like 32.

It would make life better.

It should fall off.

It would make life better.

You should, yeah.

You'd have a window to procreate, right?

And then you could spend the rest of your life just focusing on the things that actually matter, which is drinking

and living a living, whittling wood, puzzles, doing puzzles, getting your heart rate down,

rebuilding a dick so that you can

take it back.

Making a diesel-powered dick

machine.

Building a communist dick machine to

marry the young lady from

Euphonium.

I don't know.

I have to look it up now.

She's 14 years old.

She's not 14.

She reads a 12th grade level.

Does she?

Yeah, she's mad smart.

Oh.

I'll tell you what I would love.

What's

There's a couple of rosemary olive oil triscuits.

She's 24.

24.

She's 5'3 ⁇ , too.

Yeah.

Damn.

I'm like, fuck it.

Oh, goddammit.

I didn't know that.

God damn.

Fuck.

I was hoping she was 4'11 or shorter.

Oh, every bitch has to be tall.

Wow, she's a giant.

She's huge.

She's huge.

She's 5'3.

24 years old.

Anyway,

is there anything you want to talk about?

What do you mean my booking?

Yeah, maybe.

We got to wait another two minutes here, Palm.

Oh, we got another two minutes.

So let's talk about you.

We got to wait another two minutes.

We gotta wait.

I was trying to

come up with new silly voices.

Oh, I thought you were doing Brando Brando just now.

Oh, you gotta, you gotta do it.

I guess every silly voice is just gonna be Brando.

Hello, it's me.

Michael Jewish

of the Judaism fame.

I think Michael Jewish has made an appearance before, actually.

Oh, okay.

Sweeney is a trained MMA fighter.

Sydney?

Competed in grappling in high school.

She knows how to beat people up.

Yeah, we'll see about that.

No, I'm having flashes of surviving the game.

I'm going to make a public statement right now.

I will fight you.

Well, how about this?

We kidnap her, bring her to like a Montana or something.

I would love to kidnap her Borat style.

Yeah, we kidnap her.

She'll put a bag on her.

We tell her she's the guest of honor at a remote dinner we're having.

It's me, you, Charles S.

Dutton, F.

Murray Abraham, Rucker Hauer, and Gary Busey.

The squad, as we like to call it.

Before fucking AOC had to

steal our name.

And

we serve dinner, and it's a pig with a giant pair of tits roasted.

And Gary Bush is like, you're the guest to honor tonight.

Tomorrow's a big day.

We're having a communist revolution tomorrow.

She's like, what does that mean?

He's like, oh, wouldn't you like to know?

And I'm like, Gary, stop dropping hints.

Yeah, Gary, come on.

Let's leave a little mystery.

Let's leave the surprise to the end of the night.

Charles S.

Dutton's You better be ready to defend them big tits, you dumb bitch.

All day long.

Oh, my God.

It's cool that you're going to send it.

It's a movie called Surviving the Rape.

Yeah.

The thing that's exciting about that is that you get to send the invite.

So you can get back into your calligraphy, Nick.

Yeah.

You can send her a real nice invite.

A little Dracula letter.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Send her a real spooky.

Welcome to my house.

I said, what if Dracula, instead of sucking blood, was

raped?

Yeah.

And then he was also friends with Rockahow and Charles S.

Ladden and

Gary Bussy.

F.

Murray Abraham.

Oh, my God.

From Amadeus.

And the guy always named John McGinley.

Who's that?

The guy from Scrubs.

Oh, the John C.

McGinley.

The rude doctor.

John McGinley.

The redhead guy.

McGinley, right?

That's his name.

I don't know his name.

We'll look it up.

I'm not going to talk about my bookie.

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Nick, what are the benefits of this great website?

Um

it's uh there's that so now I'm looking at pictures of John McGinley and his his family.

He has a nice family.

Well,

I can't make sense of it because it's like him and his wife.

And then they have a son that

son that seems disabled of some sort.

Do they have an Indian son?

Well, he has two daughters, and then there's a Mexican boy.

Yeah, who's that Mexican boy?

I don't know what a fake guy.

A guy that looks like he.

He's 11 years old.

I can't understand what this family is.

It's a cool family.

Yeah.

No, it's like that.

They were like, he's like, I'm getting paid fat off scrubs.

I'm gonna get a menagerie of children.

No, this is his family.

I don't know who the fuck that other guy was.

So I guess he's just their their house boy.

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material capital capital dialectics is the reason.

Because I'm sure she's unhappy, like most people.

She's not happy.

You can see that.

She's not happy.

And she needs me to save her by telling her about Karl Marx.

Yeah.

And then having sex.

But only if she, you know, I'm strictly just

she would be pursuing me.

Let's make that perfectly clear.

Yeah, she's the horny one.

She's the one that's

the vessel of cum.

I'm just, I, yeah.

I'm facilitating it.

I'm just filled with cum.

Yeah.

And I'm yanking the shit out of her pussy.

And now and I'm ripping her arms and legs off with a machine.

I would love to do.

And I'm cutting her head off with a fucking sickle and jamming a hammer into her pussy.

But she's the one.

She's she wants all this.

He's asking for it.

I'm just trying to read

Karl Marx to her like a bedtime story.

But she needs it.

She likes it like that.

She wants it like that.

She wants to be impaled.

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Do we have a promo code, Nick?

It's either Cometown or Cometown20.

I don't give a fuck.

This is the last year of this show.

Stop's dead.

I'm knocking on Death's Door myself.

No, Nick, you got your beats per minute down.

I did.

I did.

You know what?

Yep.

I think I might have turned.

That might have been a wake-up call for me.

I'm just like staring at pictures of women's tits on my phone.

I've turned a new leaf.

I've got a new lease on life, and I'm ready to fuck.

What do we got here?

A pair of tits?

Be still, my communist heart.

Think not of

what can only be described as rape under the capitalist paradigm.

But in communism, it's called me getting minds

as a worker.

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It's a great company.

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and you can win big, and you can

send your winnings a screenshot to Sidney Sweeney, and she has to legally

do something, something like that.

Anyway,

oh, Nick, what there's a hostage situation in Amsterdam at the Apple store.

I knew knew that would get you going, brother.

And I wonder what that was about.

So what else is going on?

Let's talk about our lives.

Let's talk about our hopes and dreams, okay?

Yeah.

I kind of want to.

But I can't.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't.

I have to be.

I have to focus on my puzzle.

Yeah.

I have to focus on things that calm me down.

You have about 50 pieces left in that 1,500-piece puzzle.

I know.

I know.

I'm getting it.

I'm proud of you, bro.

This might be the best episode of the show in a while.

I don't know.

I'm not sure about that.

Yeah.

It's very funny that

literally a quarter million people will listen to this.

That'll never stop being funny to me.

It's so weird.

You don't have to put effort into anything in life.

No, I think you do.

No, you don't.

I think this is like a cosmic accident.

Yeah.

I mean, if you think back to what our lives were before.

Like the large hard-on super collider.

There's two particles that smashed into each other.

Yeah.

This is something that's not.

Okay, fine.

We got the millionaire podcast particles.

But there's another universe in which we have the communist revolution raping the girl from Euphoria particles.

Those particles particles exist.

And we need to.

I'm going to figure out how to take the door off my microwave and leave that bitch running until that shit happens, or at least it cooks my brain as to the extent that that's the reality.

You can hack the multiverse.

Oh, you can, yeah.

Yeah.

Because this reality, oh my goodness.

This is sad, right?

Yeah.

This world that we've inherited.

Right.

Old sleepy Joe.

You know, I forget he's he's president.

I forget it, too.

But

let's read about what's going on at this Apple store.

I think this is the news that.

So

armed police and special units are swarming a busy Leedspelein square as residents are urged to stay indoors.

At least one hostage is being held at gunpoint inside the Apple store in central Amsterdam.

I wonder if there's anything we can do about that, brother.

You know, there was another classic hostage situation in Amsterdam where Anne Frank held the people of Amsterdam hostage

for years because she wouldn't turn herself in.

It's true.

And so they had to live under Nazi occupation.

They would have just packed up and left if she just left this damn ass.

She is in a lot of ways like the unvaccinated.

and the amsterdes could have been back the regular life in a heartbeat but the nazis they said there's one more

yeah if you have the the the roles we know there's one more family where are they

and people are like we don't know we can't find them yeah

very sneaky and then uh and then you know eventually she uh She left.

Made a little too much noise.

Made a little too much noise.

They legalized weed.

The rest is history.

Yep.

What do we got here, folks?

We got big news today.

Jen Saki has shown her pussy to the White House press corps, and

the reviews are in.

It's disgusting.

I mean, this is just another move from Saki.

Classic deflection.

We want answers about Ukraine.

She shows her nasty ass pussy.

Got her pussy out, and it's spraying some sort of garlic slime.

There is a there is a

garlic swarm of flies.

There's a garlic mustard slime that's being spewed out of Jen Saki's pussy directly into Peter Deuce's face.

And we're going live to the White House with updates.

Thank you.

My name is Sector Report Atosa.

From Mexico News.

From Mexico News.

And

Jennifer Saki, her pussuki, is being sprayed

all over Peter Doce's affairs.

And

I want to do more reporting, but I have to go to the bathroom.

And he's gone.

And he's gone.

And we're moving on to the next story.

You're listening to Cometown News.

Yeah.

What Putin really wants is bigger than Ukraine, according to Apple News audio briefing today.

And what's that?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm trying to use the news app so we can just run through headlines.

Bigger than Ukraine.

You know what he really wants, and that's to be gay with Donald Trump.

Here we got a headline.

Most Amazing Mother, 31, dies in Long Island house fire that severely burned her fiancé and son.

So I'm guessing Most Amazing is sarcastic.

Yes.

Yeah.

She, I mean.

To me, that sounds like.

Is it in quotes?

Most amazing.

Most amazing mother.

Yeah.

Yeah, so sarcastic.

Most sarcastic, I guess.

It's like doing air quotes.

Yeah.

The most amazing mother.

Yeah, the fire swept through Long Island, New York home and killed his 31-year-old fiancé.

Stephen Ortner and Lisa Ostrowski struggle to escape when a fire spread through the home on Friday morning.

So

that's a bit of Long Island news for you.

Jury finds Ahmed Arbery's three killers guilty of

federal hate crimes.

Okay.

I thought that happened a while back.

No, I think that happened this week.

Oh, this is the federal.

This is the federal charges.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Man, they're some hilarious-looking guys.

Those are the guys that killed him?

Yeah.

They weren't cops, right?

They were like, they were.

No, I mean, and they filmed the whole thing.

They just chased after him in the truck and then ran up to him and shot him.

That's really

bad.

And like, yeah, the only argument was like, why was he jogging in Tim's?

That was their defense?

Basically, yeah.

Well, then they're like, yeah, there's a couple of robberies earlier in the week, and it didn't make sense that he was jogging in Tim's, so we murdered him in cold blood in the middle of the film.

Yeah.

Wow.

Pretty fucked up.

If Ahmad was another white person jogging, would this have happened the way that it did?

If Ahmad hadn't been using the public streets, it would have happened the way it did.

Prosecutor Chris for PSS

in the government's closing arguments on Monday.

He argued that the racial slurs and memes, while not illegal in themselves, could help inform jurors about the mindset of the defendants when they saw Arby run through Satilla Shores that day.

It was in Georgia, right?

It was in Georgia.

That's a bit of Georgia news for you.

Biden said to speak.

U.S.

calls Russia actions an invasion.

Ready sanctions.

Ukraine.

You say Ukraine or the Ukraine?

I go back and forth.

Yeah.

Depends on my vibe.

I never really said.

I don't know what the Ukraine is.

It's like the Ohio State University.

I don't know why people say the Ukraine.

Yeah, it's a little...

I kind of think it's a little bit,

I don't know, like

it's too fancy.

Yeah,

it's what you say if you don't have any information about what's happening over there.

Yeah.

You have no historical context.

You don't really know what the dispute is.

You just want to call Joe Biden a shitty president.

Yeah.

Or vice versa.

So you say the Ukraine.

Yeah, you say the UK.

And the new thing now is saying Kiev instead of Kiev.

Is that how you say it?

I don't know.

Brett Bayer is doing it.

Kiev, you know.

They're saying Kiev.

Kiev UK.

Yeah, they're like, that's the way they say it.

And it's like, okay, well, it's not the way anyone has said it.

Our entire lives until this week.

Yeah.

I don't know why that.

And it's the people that get all in a huff about

fucking pronouns and shit.

It's like,

just say Kiev, you fucking faggot.

What are you doing?

Wait, so you're saying that Fox News gets in a huff about pronouns?

Yeah, they get in a huff about pronouns.

Oh, they get in a huff about people

forcing their pronouns.

Like,

I'm going to say Kiev special.

Yeah.

You know, my perspective on the whole thing?

It's one Mayo S

white country

fighting another mayo s white country

none of my business yeah i don't care i'll let them

but you gotta so you gotta pick one are the ukrainians

p OCs or the Russians POCs

I mean

to be honest yeah I don't think either of them are white yeah that's not white in my book brother they're not no way no way we say the promo code for my bookie you said come town or come town's white that's right and make they double your deposit up to a million dollars um yeah

so if you put in a million dollars they give you a free one million and you get up to two you get up to eighteen million dollars and free we call that that's what they're calling the come town guarantee i've heard from numerous people that uh have signed up with my bookie after um hearing about it on this show and several of them are they said it lifted me out of poverty yep my My wife was sucking cock for

Tylenol P.N.

She was sucking dick for Pediolite.

And

all it took was,

I bet $1,800 million

on the Rams.

Yeah.

Money line.

Yeah.

Now I'm a fucking Odell Beckham first.

Now I have the kind of money where I can walk into,

I can walk on the set of Euphoria.

And they respect me.

And I can hold you-know-who down.

And we're not saying who it is.

And

you know who.

Have my communist way

all day long.

And

as I walk out,

people slowly start clapping.

And somebody says, Why are people clapping?

They say, That man has billions of dollars.

That man has billions and billions of dollars from gambling.

And that's the

thing.

He pulled himself out of poverty.

He did.

He ripped, he stuck his fingers into the pussy of poverty and ripped it out.

He yanked it.

He yanked it like the sandman at the Apollo.

How about this?

Tuesday's announcement suggests that Europe plans to proceed step by step rather than hitting Putin with the mother of all sanctions.

Step by step.

Day by day.

Day by day.

Very similar to the TV show.

Suzanne Summers.

Suzanne Summers.

I wanted to fuck her.

And Patrick, what's his name?

There was a show about old people

fucking each other.

There's a bit of old people that had some.

I thought it was just like family matters for white people.

Yeah, but the whole idea was like it doesn't matter that you've had a triple bypass.

You can still

get your red dick hard and fuck your blonde wife.

Your pizza-ass ass wife get your fucking your b beat up red penis hard

your old tired red cock yeah

i went to sir i said patrick step by step and it's just how to draw patrick from spongebob oh what's the guy's name

what's the guy and then the the dad the nephew yeah the nephew would beat yeah beat women

right uh yeah the nephew was kind of like a stoner idiot step by step Patrick Duffy is who plays Frank Lambert.

Lambert?

Yeah.

I didn't know they were Belgian.

They are.

I can't wait to take step by a step by step.

I like that show because they had a roller coaster on the opening credits.

Let's tell you life is a roller coaster.

Life is a highway.

Now, where do they live in this show?

They live in South Carolina.

In California.

That's why I never liked it.

I always hated California.

Oh, really?

I hated fucking Full House.

I loved Cali.

Family Matters, Chicago, great.

That was before I knew Chicago was gay.

I thought Chicago was on the East Coast when I was a kid.

You did.

Yeah.

They have a water.

Yeah.

They have tall buildings.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You learn a lot as you grow up.

How about this?

Frank and Carol marry while vacationing in Jamaica after a whirlwind courtship.

And Frank plans an identical vacation to accidentally run into Carol.

Here's my plan.

Who's Frank and Carol?

It's the couple on Step by Step.

Oh, that's an episode.

I'm going to start submitting spec scripts to Euphoria.

Yeah.

But they're all just going to be episodes of Step by Step.

Yeah.

That I write down.

Who's the nephew, Cody, right?

Cody.

Cody, yeah, who beats women.

And naturally, they're going to hire me because Step by Step is one of the greatest TV shows that remains unseen by the majority of people who work in television.

It's true.

It's a forgotten masterpiece.

I get the job.

Right.

I'm going to take a little trip over to my bookie,

make a couple cool billion dollars real quick.

Yep.

And then they match it.

I'm not going to spell out the whole plan for you.

But you know what the final solution is.

You know where we're going, I guess.

You know exactly what the plan is.

After I get that billion dollars, and

I can cruise right past security on the set of euphonium or whatever it's called.

Yep.

Have you seen the picture of the guy, the creator of Euphoria?

No.

It makes it.

I mean, have you ever seen the guy who wrote Crazy Rich Asians?

No.

Hilarious.

Who are you showing?

Just this gay, this gay Chinese guy.

Oh, gambling tip, by the way, guys.

I went to the casino in Boston this weekend with my pal Caleb Pitts from Pot Up List, and the Crazy Rich Asian slots pays fat.

If you want to make a lot of money, and they play clips.

He looks like fucking Austin Powers.

It's that guy.

That guy wrote.

Yeah, baby.

Wow.

I thought it was William Hung that wrote that movie.

No.

Wow.

Wait, but those were like novels, right?

They were.

They were like novels for

Asian moms to read.

Yeah.

Fap to.

For tiger moms.

He's got a wicked style.

Damn, I love his style, honestly.

He rosters.

He's Paisley Blazers and fucking...

He dresses like the Gangnam style guy.

Sort of.

I always thought he looked like Austin Powers.

I guess he does I guess my

reference was racist yours

was not yeah baby yeah baby what did the guy say the show last night

the bore

success success

yeah we received a heckle last night at funny moms an audience member just said success

And it was

really sad.

What were we talking about?

We're talking about

step by step, yeah.

Step by step.

I'll show you also a picture of the guy that wrote Euphoria because a lot of people could be like, it's actually for adults and it's not pedophilic.

And then you see a picture of the guy and it just looks a lot worse.

It makes it look a lot worse.

Stacey Keenan is Dana Foster.

I forgot it.

It's like a Jared Leto type of guy

did Euphoria.

It's Barry Levinson's son, by the way.

Oh, really?

yeah wow this is him he's got a real like uh

what's it called is it's 30 seconds to mars kind of vibe

that's the guy

oh yeah he looks like a fucking freak yeah he made the kid fucking show yeah

I haven't I honestly I don't I haven't really watched much

you can watch it you can not watch it gets it gets put on and

and I like uh I kind of zone out yeah I don't understand I'm too old dude

yeah brother I don't remember I don't fucking understand anything in this world yeah

I understand crazy rich agents do you trying to watch that this this afternoon I understand I understand uh

you know um

uh the fucking babysitters club I understand

Maybe I'll pitch.

Maybe I'll shoot an email over to a certain actress's agent and say,

we're doing a mashup between the babysitters club and the boxcar children called the sexually abused babysitters

who are trapped in a storage container.

And they have to solve the mystery of how to make me come.

Yep.

And when I don't get a response,

I'll reply again and say, it's about communism, by the way.

Yeah.

It's a DSA.

It's a proletarian.

The politics of the show will be good.

I can guarantee you that.

Oh, my God.

We're doing good, Nick.

What are we at?

Oh, we got four minutes and 30 seconds, brother.

Wow.

Of hell.

You're trying to get a little food after this?

I ate before I came here, but I'll chill, dude.

I'll watch fucking Crazy Ridge Asians.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We can go back into deGrasse.

DeGrassi.

Now, there's a show Euphoria could never be.

No,

it's

Euphoria really can't capture the magic of Euphrasia.

It's crazy how much.

Because you know, I mean, they're basically the same fucking thing.

But DeGrassi is leaps and fucking bounds better.

The thing is, is because it's Canadian.

DeGrassi is...

taxi driver and Euphoria is Joker.

Yeah, which is a compliment to Euphoria.

I guess, yeah.

It's a worthy.

I mean, the women are hotter, except for that fat one that sort of just tips the scales all the way to like

just sinks the entire ship collectively.

It's like just that you're watching that show and you're working one up, and then it's just like smashing into a fucking iceberg.

They kind of iced her out of the second season because

too unattractive.

Because she just looks like, because I said she looks like Preston from Wallace and Grommet.

That's who she reminds me of.

The robot pitbull that's trying to turn Sean into food.

She dared challenge Barry Levinson's son about the sexual graphic nature of the show, and they're basically phasing her out of the show.

So she got what she had coming, I guess.

No, but deGrassi, the thing about it is that because it's Canadian,

the tone of it is like

there.

That's what she looks like.

Wow.

That's really good.

Yeah.

That's damn good.

That's exactly what that girl looks like.

Yeah, she has that spike necklace, too.

She has

kind of a Gen Z

dog collar goth thing going on.

Yeah, here she is.

There's too much sexual

nature of.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Yeah, it's fucking HBO.

It's HBO.

Their best show is about the mafia.

Yeah.

The best thing on television has been about the mafia.

Yeah, about a guy who

kills people and cheats on his wife.

Pardon me.

Is it raining right now?

Yeah, dude, it's raining.

Damn.

You wanna watch Thief?

I don't know.

I've seen it so many times.

So I watch it once a month.

I wanna watch Crazy Rich Asians, baby.

Crazy

Rich.

I can't get enough of that damn aquafina.

What's the fat girl on Euphoria's name?

Uh, Roseanne Barr.

I'm searching fat euphoria.

She's.

I think she.

I mean, you search that, and it gives you exactly what you're looking for.

Well, the internet is a mean place.

I think she got a pretty face.

Yeah.

I mean, she looks like,

I'm not wrong.

She looks like Preston from Austin.

Yeah, a pretty version in my book.

I don't know why I'm doing the stop.

You're doing the stop thing.

But

hit me up.

Hit me up.

If you're a big bitch from Euphoria, I don't care.

Hit me up.

If you look like her, hit me up.

No, I don't want her to hit me up, but I think she's kind of pretty, though.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I will

throw a borats bag on her.

She's not even that.

I mean, she's not even that.

She's not even like fat.

She just looks not that fat.

She just looks like Preston from all around.

Oh.

and um, so we got yeah, here's a quote from her: I spent my whole life afraid people were going to find out that I was fat.

Really?

That's hilarious.

That's a real quote.

Yeah,

that's a very funny quote.

I hope no one knows I'm fat.

Do I hope no one knows that?

Finds out my secret.

I hope no one on this elevator finds out I'm fat.

It would be very cute if Stop said that.

Yeah, it would be.

Where is he?

Texas I think he's in California now but he's coming back next week California he'll be he'll be here next week on the show Come Town the show that

the show that never ends and that Euphoria's cat is not the fat teenager girl trope you've seen before what is it the goth turned cam girl is on a unique path of sexual discovery

yeah that's that was her character in season one but they they've they've been phasing her out cat hernandez is a much-needed anomaly in the narrative of fat teenage girls on screen.

What the fuck?

What does that even mean?

A much-needed anomaly.

You know what would be a...

How about this?

Why don't we really fucking change up?

Give me a show with the machine.

The fucking the diesel.

The industry.

Stalin's industrialization.

We call it fucking machine high school.

Fucking machine high school.

Yeah.

But it's all in Cyrillic.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

And then I don't care what it takes, get her agent on the phone.

Listen, there have to be some industry people.

We need her.

Just give me a meeting.

This, by the way, too,

if any of you somehow know Matthew Perry,

I have to speak to him.

I mean, he has something really important to talk to.

I do.

And it's a business opportunity.

It is.

And this is going to be like his the wrestler.

It's going to be like his revival.

It will be.

Like

his Mickey Rourke-style revival.

I mean, it literally could be.

But if you know Matthew Perry Tolman.

Thanks for listening.

Bye.

It's time to head back to school and forward to your future with Carrington College.

For over 55 years, we've helped train the next generation of healthcare professionals.

Apply now to get hands-on training from teachers with real-world experience.

In as few as nine months, you could start making a difference in healthcare.

Classes start soon in Pleasant Hills, San Leandro, and San Jose.

Visit Carrington.edu to see what's next for you.

Visit Carrington.edu/slash SCI for information on program outcomes.