Ep. 291 – they do exist

It's time to head back to school and forward to your future with Carrington College.

For over 55 years, we've helped train the next generation of healthcare professionals.

Apply now to get hands-on training from teachers with real-world experience.

In as few as nine months, you could start making a difference in healthcare.

Classes start soon in Pleasant Hills, San Leandro, and San Jose.

Visit Carrington.edu to see what's next for you.

Visit Carrington.edu slash SCI for information on program outcomes.

From Australia to San Francisco, Cullin Jewelry brings timeless craftsmanship and modern lab grown diamond engagement rings to the US.

Explore solitaire, trilogy, halo and bezel settings, or design a custom piece that tells your love story.

With expert guidance, a lifetime warranty and a talented team of in-house jewels behind every piece, your perfect ring is made with meaning.

Visit our Union Street showroom or explore the range at colinjewelry.com.

Your ring your way.

Give me a fucking little joiner rooney.

Yeah, we're good.

All right.

Check, check, check.

Watch the Pepto business.

I got the fucked-up, crinkly mic cord, but I'm going to do it like a professional.

You mean the one out, bro?

The one out, bro.

Could you drop the volume like a little bit?

Nah, fuck that.

Make it louder.

Yeah, loud it up.

They're hanging out at a ball.

Yeah, you guys are getting the experience.

How do I sound in your guys' cans?

You sound good.

You sound good.

Maybe, can you turn my cans up?

All right.

You sound great.

Thanks for your hands.

I don't think I need to make the difference at all.

Oh, shit.

Oh, that's too much.

That's too loud.

Yeah.

Yeah, but are we sharing the same earphones?

I think.

No, no, dude.

I just cranked them all because I don't know why.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'm feeling good.

Okay.

I love you.

I'm feeling good and my dick is hard.

You want to hit record?

It's already gone.

Oh, oh.

No, listen, you've used every part of the buffalo.

Yeah.

I got you.

This is the name of America.

Hi, yo, who for all of you who have been following

the plot line of us being in the cabin,

it's taken a turn for the worse, I suppose.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, tell the people what happened.

Elders died trying to get marshmallows.

That's what he says, bro.

Elders disappeared.

He was lured into a gay sex den.

We've reached the now we need guests to get through an hour portion of the show.

Yeah.

We got the crew up here.

We've always been in that position, though.

Yeah, we got...

Damn.

This fucking...

You had to break the mic cord, didn't you?

I didn't break the mic cord.

It's alright.

I know what I'm doing.

See how I'm handling it?

Like a fucking gentleman with a hard-ass dick?

Okay.

Well, fuck.

Maybe you switch chords with Adam.

Yeah, it's only right.

Yeah.

It's only right that you use the shitty one.

I don't give a fuck, actually.

We got our boy Ian, Little Dick Fidance,

in the building.

What's up?

Opposite day.

It's actually not.

It's the same.

It's real day.

It's a real day.

It's a real day.

It's not opposite day.

Yeah.

And that's about what the size your dick is.

But nice try, Chief.

Damn.

Hi, Yoho.

What?

I see what you guys got going on there.

Oh, yeah.

Made a nice little dent.

Uh-huh.

That's

Indian's ass.

Ian's got pajamas on.

You do look awesome.

Thank you.

Yeah, you're wearing like a...

Ian came to the Slumber Party with a whole costume switch.

He's here for like 18 hours.

And he came in.

And I brought pajamas and a robe.

But pajamas and a robe.

And I am at comfort level infinity and beyond.

Yeah, we got Eldis in the kitchen making us

cooking in the kitchen.

We've got the Albanian in the kitchen making chili.

We've got our...

We have my dog.

We have your dog.

We've got

some fun.

Will's just watching basketball.

Yeah.

I beat Will and

Battleship.

That's right, Elier.

It's a real towel.

You could tell.

They did rock, paper, scissors.

It was either an intellectual debate or battleship for who gets to be out.

Adam plays and he blows up to Liberty and then says, you're not allowed to play the rest of the game.

Would you do that, Adam?

That's how you feel again.

No, I wouldn't do that.

Actually,

I would play and then I would close my battleship laptop little thing and say that I'm not into war.

You're a pacifist.

I'm a pacifist.

Right.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

You know what I'd say?

What?

Here we go.

Hold on.

That's a huge bitch.

That was a Deuce Bigelow male Jigelo.

Go ahead, Ian.

Do I try it again?

Do it again, yeah.

All right, Adam.

Hold on.

Say your pacifist.

Say what you were going to say?

I'm a pacifist.

Wait, was it where I was?

All right,

I'm a pacifist.

One second, hold on.

Ready?

Hold on, hold on, ready?

Wait, you're one of the best.

Okay, what are you, Adam?

I'm a pacifist.

You got to turn it up again.

Yeah,

the volume's all the way up on it.

Try it again.

Okay, one more time, Adam.

The volume's all the way up.

Yes.

Okay, wait.

Apropos of nothing, you're what?

I'm a pacifist.

I'm stupid,

there we go.

Close enough.

Wait, did you pull a

seventh, eighth times a charm,

somewhere else?

Remake it off of YouTube.

You just do it off a YouTube link.

Yeah,

YouTube.

Also, if we get bored later, I brought Marlboro playing cards.

Nice, dude.

Nice.

And I brought this book that maybe we could have some fun with.

It's called Italian Without Words.

Oh, my God.

He's going to have fun with that.

He's actually, you treat us like it's a tonight show.

Yeah,

yeah.

Look at that.

He's like, this is a BOA constrictor and Larry.

Larry.

Hey, you know what I say?

Oof, I just let a fart out.

It's boa.

You're nuts.

Look at that.

That's awesome.

You're nuts.

You like shit yourself earlier, and I couldn't smell it.

I didn't shit myself.

Well, he made it seem as such.

I was worried I had COVID because I couldn't smell it.

No, no, no.

It just smelled bad.

But I could smell the pork.

Why did I make it seem as such?

I don't know.

You said it was terrible.

Oh, I thought you were

made up a rumor that Saf shit himself.

I've been letting him rip, and I've been afraid I will have been found out.

So I've been getting up and leaving to fart.

Did the president shit himself meeting with the Pope or no?

A couple months ago, yes.

A couple months ago.

Back in late October.

In early November.

Imagine your job at the CIA is to control the media campaign to prevent people from finding out.

I'm knowing that, yeah.

I want Secret Service to change Biden's diaper.

Shit diaper.

Honestly, if they have a heart attack gun, that's proven.

What?

Yeah, the heart attack gun's real.

So they have to have a shit yourself gun.

They absolutely have a shit yourself.

Well, that's what that brown note was, right?

That freaking girl.

Yeah, the brown noise.

It makes you shit yourself.

Which is awesome.

The brown sound.

Imagine every morning

you get in a squat.

Honestly, you play that?

The shit yourself.

The shit yourself gun should be like a children's toy.

Yeah.

That would be better than laser.

For constipated kids?

Yeah, nerf.

That would be awesome.

Yeah.

Why'd you both look at me?

I need you to pick up the snack.

I got a fucked up mic.

Okay.

Okay, so you know TERFs?

Yeah.

What does NERF stand for?

No.

It doesn't stand for that.

Is that what Nerf guns say for?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

No.

Women should be able to do whatever they want except talk in movie theater.

And that's a Nerf.

Yep.

Yeah.

That's good, man.

So,

Ian, why is your finger?

What's your finger hovering over there?

You got something else right now?

You got another Deuce Bigelow clip?

No, I was just...

To Nick's point about people talking to that, I went and saw the movie Titane in theaters, and it was in a part of town where, you know, it was like Mystery Science Theater 3000 for people who can't read.

And what?

What are you talking about?

What do you mean the can't read part?

This person yelled something out and then this.

But it's a French movie with subtitles.

They can clearly read.

No, not these.

You saw a French movie in a black theater.

Yes, yes.

Yes, at the Magic Johnson Theater.

So in your attempt to not be racist and say black people, you claimed that all black people can't read.

Those are your words, Chief.

That's what you said.

I didn't say that.

You said said mystery science theater for people who can't read.

He wasn't talking about black people, he was talking about babies.

He went to an infants theater.

And this woman got up in the front row and some guy was like...

What?

He called her a bitch.

There you go, yeah.

That's what the guy said.

He did that.

Hell yeah, dude.

That's awesome, man.

That's what he said.

Yeah, I couldn't believe it.

I also couldn't believe I recorded it.

That's crazy.

That's such a good stroke of good luck for our show.

I know, man.

And I have something actually you can stroke as well.

Like, I'll tell you after the show.

Why don't you show me?

I will.

I will absolutely show you.

Show me on the staff where you want me to touch you.

You should make dolls to sell.

Yeah.

Of myself?

Yeah, you should have dolls.

Stop dolls.

Okay.

And you pull the cord and it says a stop phrase.

You can squeeze them.

Yeah, yeah.

That's stressful.

And it laughs.

And it's just like, hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, there's like, yeah.

Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.

Stav Armstrong.

How much the overhead cost might be hard on a doll?

Yeah.

It's not like a t-shirt.

It's not a t-shirt.

It's not a calendar.

Well,

we got to take over a trip over to Beijing, meet with the manufacturers and stuff.

Manufacturers of the fucking.

I'm about to take a shot of Pepto.

Why is it called Beijing?

I think it was called like Yellow Jing.

Well, they're beige.

Oh, they're all the same.

It's Beige.

Yeah, why don't you take that for a walk a little bit?

What happens there?

Say we go somewhere else.

What happens in Beijing, Ian?

They're slaves of love.

Okay.

So, um.

Oh, I do have gas X if you need it.

I don't want Gas X.

I want Pepto.

That's not Pepto.

That's Top Care.

Eldis bought the fucking generic shit.

Yeah, dude.

He's on a budget.

Look at him, dude.

They were out of Pepto.

They were out of Pepto, you say?

All right, fuck it.

Dude, Eldis and I had the best drive up, dude.

What happened though?

Multiple pissings on the side of the road.

It's a two and a half hour drive.

Yeah, that seems completely unnecessary.

Well, I have the world's tiny bladder over there.

That was you, Eldis?

Yep.

I kept offering to check out his prostate.

He said no.

So Ian and I, you know.

Oh, boy.

You know, in the house, there's a lot of testosterone, you know, especially with me and Nick and stop, you know.

We're always, we're always.

Yeah, me and Nick, there is a lot of testosterone.

We're always firing shots at each other, and it's equal.

We all fire an equal amount of shots.

And, you know,

it's not, you know, whatever.

Of course.

Just our dynamics.

Boys will be boys.

Boys will be boys.

But when Ian got here, I was like, oh, another soft boy is here.

So I said, you want a soft boy?

He's a soft.

He's just gay.

You got the wrong boys.

Whatever.

What the fuck you talking about?

I meant that in a

fucking up, Ian.

Fuck him up.

I remember when I walked in, I looked at Adam and I was like...

Somewhere else.

That's a huge bitch.

Oh, my God.

Come on, dude.

Anyway, I'm trying to tell a story.

God damn it.

I'm trying to tell you.

You don't even have a sound bite.

You have a YouTube video.

You keep buffering back over the part.

No, that's he's scrubbed.

That's the bit.

Yeah.

That's the bit.

He's scrubbing over a cam rip of Deuce Bigelow.

That's all right.

Anyway, okay.

So what were you guys up to?

I meant like, I was like, Ian, you want to come walk the dog with me?

So we were having,

as we tend to, the, you know, the gayest conversation, of course,

We were talking about how nice it was to be in nature and to be out of the city.

It's cute.

It is nice.

What were we saying, Ian?

We were saying, like, we, dude, we, it was just such a moment of like, dude, look at all this beauty.

Everything is, I mean, like, look at these rolling hills, and it's so nice just to hear these sounds.

You're not in the city.

It's so nice to be out here.

And then what happens?

You're experiencing nature.

And I think Ian was saying, like, if you look at these houses and you look at the way like people live out here, there are so many people in this country that live exactly like that.

Maybe we're more similar than we realize.

Wow.

That's such an interesting question.

Which I thought was a really interesting thing.

He was wearing pajamas, too.

Yeah,

he was wearing a smoking jacket.

And I was twirling my robe belt around.

And he was skipping.

So anyway, all of a sudden, my dog just

convulses and then just dives her head into

a pile of leaves.

And then she pulls out this, she has this thing in her mouth, this like long

black

like thing.

I was like, Why are you eating that?

I was like, trying to get it out of her mouth, and he got all this black shit all over my hand.

I got all this black shit all over my hand, and then like basically

a carcass falls out.

What?

Who's a snake?

Yeah,

she ate a dead snake.

Oh,

right, yeah.

I know.

As we were in the middle of having that conversation,

yeah, that's just like what happens on Curvey R2J.

Such a fucking retard.

Yeah.

That really.

I feel like that actually did bail me out of the story.

It did, but it's not the right thing.

Like, it's not.

Stop pretending you're some Andy Kaufman level genius.

I am.

You're not some asshole

trying his best with some sound cues.

That was perfect, dude.

That was perfect.

That was fucking perfect.

Oh, fuck.

Well, that's awesome, man.

Gross, dude.

Just a gross black snake carcass.

Little else.

Yeah, so I pulled,

and like, uh, like, it was like a sleeve was coming off of it, and it was

it was the uh it was the skin of the snake.

She had the carcass in her mouth.

Yeah.

And then I had to wrestle the carcass out of her mouth.

Wow.

Yeah.

Did you get it?

I think I got most of it.

She ate some of it.

She did.

But yeah.

Now he doesn't have to pay for dog food tonight.

That's right.

So it's a happy story.

That's awesome, man.

Yeah, it's a pretty good story.

I was hoping, honestly, you kind of built it up a little too much.

Yeah.

You should be like, dude, just

you wait till we get, me and Ian can tell this story on the phone.

Honestly, I should have just walked in and told you guys what happened.

I thought you guys like.

But it is true.

At least.

Can you fucking

hold it near your mouth, dude?

You're so amped to do these sound cues, you're not even talking on mic.

Good.

Sorry.

Nope, there's a hands.

Huh?

Okay, hold on.

But yeah,

I mean, you are right.

At least Adam gets to save on dog food.

Oh, my God.

He's playing it.

Well, that's that's where you would need to curb your enthusiasm.

That's awesome.

At what point are you kind of getting across with that musical cue?

What?

It was just my YouTube playlist.

That's what came up after Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Yeah.

So why don't you tell us more about the pajamas?

Where are they from?

Yeah, tell us about the pajamas.

Also, can I just say, Stav, what you missed was

we were outside admiring nature.

looking at the stars, trying to figure out where the North Star was, what planet that is.

And young Adam was like, hey, guys, what are those streaks in the sky?

And as we're trying to figure that out, we all wish

a shooting star.

Oh, that's cute.

You saw a shooting star.

That's why you missed a cloud.

It was beautiful.

I saw some cows earlier today.

That's awesome, dude.

Talking about shit we saw.

I'm sad I missed a shooting star because I was shitting my nuts off.

No, you were sitting in that chair on your cell phone.

We just saw your big red.

You were DMing girls and calling Eldos.

This is like the inverse of being like, I went to New York and I I saw Elmo in Spider-Man.

Yeah, yeah.

It was a coyote and a shooting star.

Ian, what did you wish for when you saw the shooting star?

Just that we can all be friends forever.

Really?

Yep.

It's not going to happen.

Yeah, that's a fucking wasted wish.

Yeah.

You just said it out loud.

Yeah, you can't say that.

You're right.

Good thing I knew it and I didn't say the real wish.

You'll never get out of me.

That's awesome.

You told me the real wish.

Adam, stop.

You don't have any secrets, Ian.

No, Adam.

Adam, stop.

Ian?

Yeah, Ian doesn't have any secrets.

Do you think you have any secrets left?

You're only as sick as your secrets.

Oh, is that AA thing?

So I don't keep the secrets.

That's awesome.

Is that one of the AA rules?

Yes.

How does that keep you sober?

Like,

if I drank and didn't tell anyone, I know.

Oh, that kind of thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or you're like, you know.

So you have to say everything

second guys off

without telling your wife.

Certainly I have secrets.

It's called boundaries.

You do have secrets?

Mm-hmm.

Boundaries is the bar he hangs out with.

This is a good ass episode.

It's always a good time with me,

it's always a good time.

I believe

one of our most popular guests,

it's very, very fun to be here, and I appreciate everyone being nice and kind kind and saying hello and coming to shows.

It's very nice.

That's cute, man.

Yeah.

That's a good experience.

And I get feedback that my

homosexuality has helped other

young homosexuals.

That's awesome, actually.

We've had like it gets better moments.

That's

someone looking at your life and being like, maybe one day that's how I can be.

Hey, man.

That's so mean.

I mean, it's the same.

I'm just saying, that sounds awesome.

Yeah, it sounds cool.

Fat motherfuckers say that to me, too.

Do they?

Yeah.

When they say, one day I'll get a pussy like you?

They're just like, dude, thank you.

Which I actually think is hilarious.

I never meant that, but I like it as a...

as a side as a positive side effect.

Ian is doing a lot.

What, to make people feel better about themselves?

Yeah.

The work you're doing,

talking about sucking cock in eighth grade, is more important than what I'm doing.

It was fifth grade, though.

No, no, it was dry humping.

He said it was dry humping.

It was dry humping.

Figuring it out, just doing a couple rough drafts.

But he showed us the guy, and he's pretty.

And he showed us his cock, too.

Yeah.

You have pictures of the fifth graders drifting.

No, no, no.

It's his

years later.

They're pen pal.

They call each other by their name.

That is true.

Oh, man.

So, how did you want to tell your book fair story?

I mean, I know I'm not unique in it.

I know other people have.

Having gay sex at the book fair?

Most people don't even buy books at the book fair.

Dude, we just use it as a cover.

Yeah.

Anything of a book fair?

Dude, the book fair pissed me off when it was a fucking picture from a movie, and then you would open the book and it would just still be a gay-ass book.

Wait, you thought inside of the book was.

I don't know what I was expecting.

You thought there was going to be a movie the movie was going to play?

I don't know what I was expecting, dude, but I was pissed off.

They should have had like more pictures or something.

There wasn't even like a picture.

There would be like maybe three pictures in the middle from the movie.

It should have had more pictures through it, even if it's still the fucking book.

Yeah.

That's all I'm saying.

I don't think that's a ridiculous point of view, in fact.

No, I just, I now I understand what you're talking about.

I thought you were like wanting like a pop-up movie.

Yeah, that would have been sick too.

If it was one of those flip books and you just went and it was the whole movie, that'd be fucking awesome.

It's a thick ass book.

It would be a thick ass book.

Like, like that wasn't disappointing.

What?

Like, I'm the asshole for thinking that.

No.

Thank you.

No, you're not.

Did you ball out on Book Day?

No, not really.

When they set the library open for the plastic books.

No, dude.

But that was always a hustle where you'd have to send your mom to work to sell your shit for the future.

Yeah, but then you'd get all your family members, their Christmas gifts for the year.

You'd get like your grandfather, like, world's best grandfather, pencil, and you're like, My job is done here.

Yep.

I don't think I got I think my grandparents were in Greece or dead.

So they didn't get shit.

Yeah, my grandparents too.

I remember I got my dad tools from like the

from the book fair?

No, there was like they would do like a secret Santa workshop at John Rura where it was like little kids would spend it was just like a place for you to buy gifts for your family and I see you over there getting a fucking clip together.

You don't know what I'm doing.

Just tell your little story.

Come on.

Let's hear about your barter system for tools.

But yeah, I was just like, your barter system and also cushy dreams.

Oh shit, should we chief some cushy dreams?

Where is the copy?

In your mind.

Yeah, dude.

This is what you've been training for.

Just pass me the copy.

This is what you've been training for.

Okay, okay.

This is what you've been training for.

It's been months.

Just pass me the copy.

I think it's under Battleship.

Anyways, it's a website you can go to.

Here, hold on, Nick.

You should do this over, like, music.

Okay.

That'll set the mood for cushy dreams.

But maybe they didn't license the music for their ad.

We don't want to get them sued.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Chill, cushy dreams, it's really good.

I'd like to smoke, then eat some food.

Hang out with my friends all day.

Adam's on the mic, and he's really gay.

I got copy right here, and it's right here.

Stops my friend, but he is a queer.

I'm sitting here with Dick at the table.

That's right, he's mentally unstable.

Down, down.

Ellen's in the kitchen, he's frowned.

Turn your round upside down.

Sometimes he can't rap well.

Kick it.

I'll bet you.

Cushy dreams.

I mean, truth be told, that's better than anything I've ever done on this show.

Good job.

Nice round of applause for Ian.

Did you write that or that's you?

That's off the dome.

I mean, look, man.

It's off the dome.

That's straight off the dome.

Off the dome.

If I ever did a thing to you, then it's just that you do it now.

Do I ever tell you that story about doing

some show at the Crown?

You know how we turn into a karaoke bar afterwards?

And that black guy and those two fat black ladies that came in after the show to do karaoke, and the black dude did, it was like money for nothing.

He did a freestyle rap about drunk driving.

Yeah, it's sick.

Yeah.

It's like, who taught the kids to drink and drive?

And I'm like, I was drunk out of my mind.

I'm like, this is amazing.

And then, like, 30 minutes later, no one's doing karaoke.

He just goes back up again, does the same thing.

Over a month.

He had written this drunk driving song.

Do you remember any of the lyrics?

No.

Oh, dude.

That's sick.

The only other thing I remember about that guy was he was the same guy that came up outside to people standing outside.

And he's like, How are you doing, Amonem Perks?

Am on them deans.

I will not ask for money, but I will take a cigarette.

Just letting you know it could have been worse.

All right, turn that off.

All right, cool.

Cushy Dreams offers a full lineup of premium smokable CBD.

They specialize in extraordinary CBD rich hem flour, aka bud, and pre-roll CBD joints.

So join the group of adults who are sick of vapes and gummies.

I'm so tired of that shit.

Me too.

I hate vapes.

I hate gummies.

Same.

I love smoking my fucking CBD.

Yes.

The group of adults who are tired of vapes and gummies and want to smoke their CBD.

Smoke it.

So it looks like high-quality marijuana, it feels like high-quality marijuana, and it tastes like high-quality pussy.

Oh, what?

Yes.

Did they make a new addition?

They changed it.

Now, is Cushy Dream sober?

Yeah.

It's CD Dreams.

I could snort Kutsy Dreams and be sober.

No, you would fall off.

Yeah, you would fall off.

You relapse on hand sanitizer.

Yeah, you would.

Oh, you're right.

You know, you can't do Cushy Dream.

No, I didn't relapse on hand sanitizer, dickhead.

Hand sanitizer was the last thing I drank.

You can't even brush your teeth without going on a bench.

I haven't brushed my teeth in six years.

Scope, you can't.

One day at a time.

You can't do scope, uh-uh.

I used to do that, that was a mouthwash,

so did Stephen King.

Good company.

I don't understand that part mentioned that, but I don't understand why he would, he's a millionaire.

Yeah, he was doing Robotus and also because it's mental gymnastics.

You convince yourself, well, I'm not really drinking.

You know, I would put it in my mouth and walk in my room and go, I can't spit this out.

I'm in my room.

And I'd drink it and just do that like 12 times.

That never stopped you with cum.

Yeah, because it's not a sin to drink cum.

It's encouraged by our Heavenly Father.

So I got a lot of

money or something.

Oh, yeah, Cushy Dreams.

Yeah.

The CBD content is up to 20%, which is some of the highest in the game.

The attention to detail is noticeable in every beautiful flower.

Smoking CBD is the most efficient and quickest way to deliver CBD to your system.

Well, actually, that's not true.

Boofing it.

You can boof it up your ass.

You can boof it, actually.

And that's what we've been doing.

We've been boofing it up our asses.

Yeah, we've been doing grav bongs in our asses.

We've been boofing.

Yeah, we put a roar up our ass.

The

roar,

dude.

Oh my god.

Yeah, you know, you know why you guys are doing that?

Because

girls just want to have fun.

Okay, all right, all right.

You can't play a song and then say the fucking title.

How are you explaining your fucking sound cues?

In the morning light,

Alright, do a freestyle wrapped in this.

It's not a sin to drink calm.

It's not a sin to drink calm.

Here it comes.

Here's your verse.

Woke up, went to the book fair, and who do I see but him standing there?

And we go, we look at the books, we have fun.

I winning drag parties come

behind the shed at the track of the grade school.

We helped it hard and then made plus a hangout later.

Then I felt sick to my stomach.

And I didn't do it for two more years.

I don't know.

Do you think maybe you just, that's what you get off on as a humiliation?

Ooh, interesting.

No?

Totally.

So it never feels freeing.

It's just like, oh, I'm disgusted with myself.

Nick's wondering.

Wait, wait, what do you mean?

No, don't let him.

Nick's doing a little check on it.

Yeah, I'm just checking in on you.

And yeah.

He's wondering.

Nick's doing a little reconnaissance.

He's doing a little research for his next loop.

He's doing a little

bit of a music.

I've got opera binoculars.

Yeah.

Because multiple times the conversation moved elsewhere, and then Nick would go, let's go back to the book fair.

He loves books.

Nick's going to start.

He's like reading.

Nick's going to start inviting you over to look at his library.

Yeah, I've been purchasing thousands of books

from the Scholastic Book Fair.

I've been going to the Scholastic Book Fair and getting sucked off by the fucking drama teacher in his elementary schools.

Yeah, Ian, I have all the goosebumps if you're interested.

You want to come over and check out my goosebumps

grown in California and Oregon each plant stop the music yeah they're gonna

do advertising grown in California and Oregon each plant is hand-selected by a team of experienced cannabis flower experts alternative sorry it's what whatever it's oh it's an alternative for people looking to cut back on smoking other things It mixes well with other things you like to smoke.

Each batch is slow-cured for two to four weeks to guarantee maximum freshness and preserve flavor in cannabinoids.

It's organic, it's all that shit.

Anyway, why don't we spark up some fucking koosh?

I'm living in a single room with three other individuals.

One of them was a male, and the other two

of the other two of them.

I love this song.

God only knows what they were up to in there.

And furthermore, Susan, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to learn that all four of them habitually smoke

cigarettes.

You have a lighter?

Reefers.

Thank you, Ian.

Dude, Best Band.

You gotta start with the music.

Yeah,

but also,

best band.

Hell yeah.

Here's the deal, guys.

They have two lines of products.

They have a 3.5 gram aka an eighth

nitrogen-sealed can of marijuana

CBD buds that you can mix with anything else you like to smoke.

Ian just put his asshole up to the market.

And they have a pre-roll of CBD joints that are a gram each.

Lot of marsh.

Both of these products come in three different lines in order of quality.

Three different lines, man.

Be careful there.

Private, reserved, ultra premium, and premium.

And of course, there are six different choices of specific strains of full flowers.

Don't smoke in that loud pack right the fuck, man.

That can match any of your different moods.

Like relax, peace, create hustle, energy, and debate.

And it's good to smoke on the beach.

And our boy,

our boy, Big Dick Bill Menneker, he's actually smoking Cushy Dreams right now.

Is that Cushy Dreams that you're smoking?

Yeah, you want some?

No,

it is.

It is.

No, okay, can I jump?

No, anyway.

All right, let me finish it.

Hold on, we just go ahead.

I want to get a celebrity endorsement.

How good is the Cushy Dreams?

Pretty fucking good, bro.

You heard it here first, bro.

From Big Dick Billy Menneker.

That's pretty fast.

So you go to cushydreams.com.

Oh, we didn't what you do.

Oh, my God.

Get his ass in.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't turn Ian against me.

Get his ass in.

Don't turn Ian against me.

It's been 10 episodes with Ian.

You've never figured out that you could do that.

I've been waiting for that.

Oh, my God.

The final chess move.

Sorry.

The final chess move.

CushyDreams.com spelled K-U-S-H-Y dreams.

And at checkout, use promo code COMETOWN for 20% off.

Smoke them on gay.

Smoke your CBD because you can.

Thank you, Cushy.

You want to hit the loud pack?

Sure.

Cushy Dreams.

Whatever, yeah.

Yeah, I love Cushy Dreams.

And you know what else I love is you guys coming to see me do stand-up comedy and buying the 2022 Stoppy Baby calendar, which is on sale now.

Yeah, I don't exactly know when I'm.

I'm good.

And I'd like to thank you all.

for

always being nice and great, and I appreciate the love.

It means a lot.

You mean us, not the people who listen to the show?

Oh, yeah, shit.

You're right.

And come see me.

I don't know exactly everything yet.

I don't know the exact dates, but I'm coming to San Diego, Las Vegas, San Francisco, Sacramento, Austin, Dallas,

fucking everywhere.

Chicago,

I think Missouri.

So come, go to stopby.biz slash tour.

New dates announced.

Go check it out.

Yeah, I'm

doing a COVID vaccine truther sub stack.

That's awesome.

Cool.

$100 a month.

Oh, yes.

Not tell it like it is.

Everyone.

That shit gives you AIDS.

What?

That's post number one.

Unlocked for $250.

Holy shit.

Dude, I have cash.

Can I just give it to you now?

Yeah, Dr.

Fauci might have fucked those dogs also.

He probably did for $300 to hear the story.

And I actually have an exciting announcement.

Take a go somewhere else.

That's a huge bitch.

That's nice.

It doesn't even.

It doesn't even work.

You should isolate it to that's a huge bitch.

The line before it always fucks the fucking shit.

It fucks it the whole timing up.

It's a YouTube clip.

When you come back, you do the screen recording.

Don't you dare unplug it with your delicate little fingers.

You do screen recording and get the parts you want next time you come back.

Yeah.

For next time.

You live and learn.

Yeah.

True.

Whatever.

Okay,

I love you.

No, that's a sound kick.

That's exactly punchy, strong, fat.

Let Nick do the cues.

That's a good point.

No, let's let Ian do it.

No, that's fine.

You're right.

We still got probably 40 minutes to crush here, so

let's let him do whatever the fuck he wants.

You want to

tell us a little bit more about the book, Beth?

Yeah.

Tell us about seeing

Steve.

We don't have to say his name, but what is Kyle?

He already said Marty.

Oh, that was a made-up name.

Oh, okay.

You'll never know what it is.

Let's go with Marty.

Let's go with Marty.

Also, wait, when is this episode coming out?

December.

December.

January 31st.

It's like late December.

Oh, is it?

Damn.

All right, well, I'm going to be at the 930 Club in Washington, D.C.

with the Pie Tasters, Cat Bite, and Kill Lincoln.

It's going to be dope.

December 26th.

Oh, nice.

And I'm going to be in

Laugh It Up Poughkeepsie.

I'm going to be in Maine, Providence, and Vermont with David Tell.

Love it.

And I have more dates on my own, Ianfinance.com.

Subscribe to my Patreon.

I don't have one, but that'd be dope.

Nice

moment.

Can you close the window?

It's pretty cold.

No, I like the fresh air.

The fresh air is nice.

Yeah, the fresh air.

Keeps you sharp.

I'll just keep you sharp.

You know, I was uncomfortable also, but now that I know it bothers you.

All right.

Do it.

Get him.

Come on.

There you go.

No, you didn't even do it right.

Bitch.

No, you're just getting bitch.

Bitch is good.

That's a huge bitch.

Bitch is good.

Huge bitch.

No, that's a huge bitch.

Adam, you're a.

Huge bitch.

He was screen recording already.

Uh-huh.

Good job, buddy.

I'm learning.

Good job.

That's what I say about Ian.

Is he continues to learn and he works.

I'm willing to evolve.

He loves to evolve.

Well, I love to evolve.

I love doing the work to evolve and push forward.

That's so true.

But some other people would say that people never really change, and there's no such thing as evolution.

Who says that?

Probably.

I don't know.

That's a huge bitch.

Nietzsche.

What?

What was that word?

Nietzsche.

Nietzsche.

Oh, did he say that?

No, but I imagine that.

Did you learn that at the book fair?

Yeah.

All right, so.

Damn, he must have been sucking cops for a long time.

Because you definitely aren't checking that book out.

You're going to every section of the book fair to suck cops.

Can you just tell us about, like, you saw him at the book fair, the positions that you guys did.

Jesus.

No, come on.

Listen.

We have a lot of positive gay guys.

Do you want to help these gay guys or not?

Help them out.

These people are on the verge of suicide right now.

Describe Marty's cock in detail or somebody's going to kill themselves.

Ian walked up and he said, You know, I always hated when there's a picture of a movie on the cover of a book.

And you open it up and it's a book.

You said it's actually a book.

And he was like, It should have fucking pictures.

I'm not crazy.

Books have pictures.

He was like, That is true.

That said,

I never realized that until Ian said it it to me

and then he put down the jungle book

he's not necessarily reading that yeah

he happened to in this case

but it didn't necessarily happen

yeah Ian looks over his shoulder and he's like man is it just me or does balloon look hot yeah and that coconut bra yeah oh yeah that must have been almost like guys can be girls sometimes that must have been a big romance and if they're technically girls you can suck their cocks and you're not gay yeah

In fact, you're super super.

And this is Delaware in 1987.

Right.

Yes.

Yes.

Ian was like, you know, because we're in Delaware, we can blow each other.

We don't have to pay sales taxes.

We can start in LLC.

He's like, this is really good.

Oh, fuck.

God, I didn't even know that loophole.

It's an awesome loophole.

You're blowing my mind, right?

Oh, yeah, brother.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That would be

Eldis.

You got the cumin going crazy over there.

Yeah, what are you cooking?

A fucking chicken tikka masala?

I'm smelling cumin-y like a bitch.

Yeah, that's a bit much, Eldis.

It smells like new faces in the kitchen.

Very nice.

That ultra link.

It smells like a writer's room.

Smells like a very funny TV show.

Why are you shaking your dick like that?

Yeah, you have your hand on

specifically your pinching.

You're pinching the head of your hand.

I can't see it.

I'm over here he's like waving

my leg because I'm like I'm laughing so much I'm sweating so I was like trying to well maybe you should be wearing a full pajama yeah you're the asshole in full pajamas you could have been worn a t-shirt and shorts well you're right about that

but I was very comfortable all right and why is your penis though

that still doesn't explain why you're no no because I was airing my crotch out you know okay because I'm around my boys I like to giggle I love to giggle with the fellows there's nothing better Nothing better than giggling with the fish.

It's also okay if you're nervously shaking your dick.

That's fine.

Yes, I do that too.

Is that your tick?

I do.

No, no, my tick is I shake my leg.

I have seen that before.

Yeah.

Yeah.

With your hand, you shake your leg.

No.

I was just doing that with my leg.

My leg is constantly going.

My leg's always.

Like a fucking grasshopper.

Yeah,

Adam left the window.

I left that seat because I'm right next to the window.

He's obviously hot from his pajamas.

Why don't you scoot closer to Ian and the friction of him rubbing his leg against you?

Sit on my lap and I'll warm you up.

We can have a book fair of our own, brother.

I think that's a really desperate.

You ever wanted to read?

Why don't you sit on his lap?

So here's Ian and his friend having gay sex with each other at the book fair.

You know what you call that?

What?

A reading rainbow.

That's pretty good.

Woo!

There it is.

Nicely done, brother.

Nicely done, my friend.

Oh, yeah.

That was excellent.

That was great.

Well, now I can check out out the best.

All right, well, we're done now.

Put in your time card.

I'm going to just kill about.

I'm going to get seven more minutes until the next day.

Oh, no, brother.

We're cruising.

We're cruising.

We're cruising right along the way.

We got probably a book fair story, and then we're good on the read.

Yep, we get to read.

Hit the book fair again.

Come back to the book fair.

Yeah, he hasn't given us a lot of like.

Go back to the book fair.

Like, I want to

the homosexual foreplay and then the homosexual sex and like

the topping and the bottoming and the power dynamics?

There was no penetration.

What does that mean?

No, no.

Now, are you guys pre-pubescent at this point?

What are you when you're like 11, 12?

I don't know.

That's a gray area for some people.

I was jacking off at 11.

Yeah, I was.

No, I was not.

I couldn't.

Adam was definitely a child until he was about 17 years old.

Yeah.

He didn't have pubes.

Yeah.

I got pubes at 24 years old.

Yeah, I mean, I couldn't grow a beard until I was like 30.

I got it right after I got my license.

That's awesome.

And right after my mother saw breastfeeding.

He was loving it, dude.

Yeah, he liked the second tag.

I love it.

He just loves to support stuff like that.

He's a good guy.

Adam loves to support Super Organics.

Yes, I do.

Not only Super Organics, but also their new website.

Delta

Diet Smoke.

Diet Smoke, which is Delta 8.

The good shit.

Which is not married.

Which is weed you could just buy legally.

Yeah, the Delta 8, it's getting to the point now where it's like the

fake weed is like that soaking thing Mormons do.

Delta 9 is definitely you.

And this is a certain type of smoke.

Yeah, so your friends are.

So

these guys, super organics.

Smoke on the water?

Alright.

You want to know the answer to the question or not?

Can you cut the fire?

Yeah, cut that for a second.

That's got to be a euphemism for

book fair action.

You want to go have a smoke on the water?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're going to share a cigarette in the riverboat for a while.

The dick is the smoke, and the water is you piss in a little piss

in a little bucket, and your dick is floating on the piss,

and the bottom sucks your dick.

That's a smoke on the water.

Oh, yeah, smoke on the water.

Yeah, nice.

I'm sure you've been on both sides of the water.

Just getting your dick smoked while you sit on a rock.

Okay, I would like that too.

Yeah.

Diet Smoke, it's super organic.

The thing, these guys.

These are some good guys.

Yeah, the Kratom stuff, they have like nine different websites.

I'll tell you something,

as a lover of their product,

I was the first to jump on the Diet Smoke bandwagon.

And I take it and

I took it to be like, well,

kind of,

I don't want to go the full bore.

Took one of those bitches.

Let's just say I was having a good old time.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

I was basically, and maybe we're not supposed to say this.

I was essentially high on marijuana.

I haven't read the copy.

I don't know what we're allowed and not allowed to say.

What is this?

You're basically buying weed for real.

It is

marijuana.

It says, feel free to riff on the anchor.

Well, we're riffing.

We're riffing in a major way.

First of all, the superorganics, the main thing is the kratom, I guess.

And you want to do that.

Will this show up on a drug test?

Kratom?

What do you do as weed?

This super 8 stuff.

I mean, I have no idea.

Oh, that's a great question.

I have no way.

Delta A metabolizes in the same way that Delta 9 does in the human body.

Therefore, there's no way for drug tests to tell the difference between the two cannabinoids.

If you're regularly drug testing,

we recommend against using Delta 8.

This is straight up weed, bro.

Oh, my God.

They're basically like, yeah, you'll fail a drug test.

Sky check Zando.

You've got to be kidding in Italian.

Nice, bro.

Most of this joke is visuals.

So you wrote a book that has funny pictures.

But you could speak it.

Stai Schetter Zando.

That sounds nothing like Italian.

Yeah.

And you're Italian thing.

You're You're really forcing this thing.

Can I just say something?

You're forcing the whole Italian thing, Ian.

No, I'm embracing

culture.

You're a white trash from Delaware.

I'm Italian.

When was the last time

a relative came from Italy?

Bro, never.

When was the last time there was even a relative that came to visit?

Have you ever met?

When was your have I ever met any relatives from Italy?

Yeah.

No.

Do you have any?

They're all dead.

Okay.

Wow.

So you, Sav, that's all backfired for you.

Yeah.

No.

Trying to keep their memory alive.

He has them.

He just doesn't know them.

They didn't all die.

I've just never met his dad.

Let's talk about super.

Let's stay on topic.

Kratom.

Hey.

Kratom is like, so

heroin would be actual Italians, and Kratom is Ian.

Ian, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Kratom is a metagon.

It's the gay version that only kept the loud part of the culture.

Yeah.

Everything else is

a disgrace.

To the old style.

He doesn't even talk with his hands because they're always filled with other man's cocks.

Because they're always reading.

Hey, and listen, half the time, a woman's pussy.

Yes.

Or a woman's cock to give you full.

All the.

They're always full.

Because I'm not trying to paint you as a homosexual.

You're a bisexual.

I'm a bisexual.

But I'm with a gal.

Cool.

Yes.

That's great.

But at any minute,

that cock hunger could strike.

I feel like you're not werewolves.

Like, you know.

No.

No.

What?

I feel like you're not doing enough for the bi visibility movie.

Yeah, there's a lot of buy erasure that happens.

You don't see that.

There is a lot of buy erasure that happens, and I do speak out about it.

Well, real quick, Super Organics,

which you can go to getsuperleaf.com.

Get superleaf.com to get the item.

Here's the thing.

These are two completely, like separate companies, even, I think.

But this one guy I talked to, he asked me about buying separate reads for the, and I said, I'm too tired to figure that out.

Right.

So I'll just give you free reads for both of your companies on the

same thing.

I said, I'm going to check with the Cushy Dreams guys to see if they're okay with a competitor.

Right.

And I forgot to send that email.

Hey, what are you going to do?

Well, they're not.

They're not competitors because Cushy Dreams is for the adults that smoke their seeds.

And they're sick and tired of vaporizing.

And this is for the babies that want gummies.

So they're not competitors at all.

And so you know what, my problem, you know, my problem with that.

No, so this is actually weed.

Sometimes you get so high, it can be difficult to control to dose it right.

There's nothing worse than being baked out of your mind when you didn't plan on it.

Right.

I'd say being violently raped in prison.

Yeah, that's probably way worse.

Dying.

Yeah.

I actually do that quite a bit, actually.

I get way too highly raped.

No, I get high all the time, and I've never felt like getting raped.

And you know, once you eat it, there's no going back.

You sit there suffering, stoned out of your mind.

That's when I decided I needed the perfect medium high.

I hit up my friends at Diet Smoke for their delicious Delta 8 THC gummies.

Diet Smoke isn't light, it's just right, the Goldilocks

of

Smokey.

Fake weed.

And also,

that is psychoactive and Cushy Dreams is non-psychoactive.

What's the difference?

I just said it.

We should probably not mix the two.

We particularly shouldn't say the other brand's name.

We definitely probably

if anyone has a problem with that, we have a gun.

So try those fucking pieces of shit.

It's also suck our fucking page.

Oh, fucking.

Oh,

fuck.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, you do want an assortment, right?

You want a couple of different.

Because if you're a fan of this show, when all of your friends come over,

you're going to want to have options for sure.

And not just your friends, but the girls.

The girls are fucking.

Yeah, you're going gonna want to have

go to dietsmoke.com and use the promo code come town c-u-m-t-o-w-n for 20 off your order and also go

hold on then it says that's two zero off

20 percent so i think they

i think it's 20 come town well it says go to dietsmoke.com and use the promo code come town for 20 percent off your order that's two 2-0-O-F-F.

So they spelled the discount.

So you know how to say it.

Yeah, smart.

Yeah.

Nice.

Cover all their bases.

And also, we want you to go to get superleaf.com slash Cometown for 20% off your entire order.

And the promo code for that is also Cometown.

So that's getsuperleaf.com slash Cometown promo code Cometown for 20% off.

Yeah.

That's so fucking true.

Yeah, that's true.

And so back to that book fair.

Quickly.

Let's hear the rest of the story.

So you see him, he's looking hot.

It's fifth grade.

Yeah, he's got hot.

What's he wearing?

He's wearing a

prepubescent or is there a split?

He's a fully grown man.

You're a child.

You're a child.

No.

No?

No.

No.

You same at the beginning of puberty.

Same.

Mike Tilly.

Totally the same.

Awesome.

Totally the same.

And the vibes are right, and you guys left the school.

Did you guys in grade school have to shower with other teachers?

Absolutely not.

No, no, just with the guy teachers

watching you, no, shower with them.

Oh, yeah,

naked,

I don't know.

Yeah, it was just me.

No, the only public.

No, no, don't make a sound cue.

Yeah, if you had it, you should have done it.

You can't.

My battery is dying.

You can't take a seven-second beat.

Take the cord away.

Take the port away.

Just repeat it again.

Which one were you going to use?

That's a huge purge.

You're going to use Kirby.

So you had to shower with other children?

Dude, we went to all-boys school, and as part of the health code or whatever, you had to shower after gym.

And that was a Catholic school.

Yeah, like you said.

You just started gay shit up there.

You went to an all-boys Catholic school.

Was it a Catholic school?

When I was a little bit of a book, for a couple grades.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then we

all

hated it.

It's private school or it's private.

We all hated it.

So we would just like wash our heads in the sink and then put our clothes on and be like, we showered.

And then you would get a detention if you got caught like not showering.

It was like very weird.

And when my mom was...

You ever notice church in the school?

Well, you know, you have like religion classes.

You have a lot of church services.

You have probably a chapel at the beginning of the year.

Yeah.

And then during like Lent and Advent, they'd have church before school at like 7.30 in the morning on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

And some of us would go that we're trying to repent for this.

I always wanted a uniform.

I thought that would be cool.

Yeah.

Just all black suits with little caps with skulls and bones on them.

Oh, yeah.

That'd be a cool school.

Like a Nazi animal.

Well, I wasn't even thinking about it.

I was imagining

an SS uniform.

Now that I think about it,

with the SIG runes, that's what I was thinking of.

Yeah, that skulls on the passage.

Maybe a different

uniform.

Yeah.

But that is the one you were thinking.

Maybe it's just a baseball cap with a swastika on.

Damn it, you turned my eye at a sound key.

Oh, well, that's just a baseball uniform.

Go ahead.

I'm sure it would have been perfectly timed had I not

so luminosity ad place for five minutes.

Go ahead, Ian.

Let's go.

No, never mind.

No, no, no.

You have to do it.

So it turns out that your private Catholic schoolboy uniform is a Nazi uniform.

What?

Oh, he's...

Okay.

All right.

Just go back to his.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Just get back to this hot, gay story that we're asking about.

Have you ever fucked like a Chinese guy that's really good at karate?

Have you?

Is this story technically child?

No,

but

I did ask.

Let me do this.

Do me a favor.

Fuck a Korean guy.

Let me know how it is.

You alright?

He just did his funny bone.

I'm sorry, dude.

Jesus Christ.

Have you ever fucked a Korean guy?

He was Asian.

I don't know if he was Korean or Chinese, but he was

overseas.

You can't tell by the asshole.

No, no, we didn't get that far.

Oh, that's a shame.

We didn't get that far.

No, we pulled around and

I came very quickly.

Oh, yeah?

So Ian's behind him, and then the Asian guy goes, Chinese fire drill.

And he runs around and fucks the interview.

Oh, fuck.

That's good stuff, man.

Yeah.

Did you guys make the dragon together?

What's that?

You know, the big dragon they walk around.

I thought there was like a sex move.

Well, no.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Okay, so back.

So you felt Chinese story.

Wait, hold on.

Question.

Yeah.

None of you guys ever fooled around with a guy when you were younger.

Because it's a very normal childhood thing for boys to

fool around once or twice and just never again.

I've told this story before, but I asked my neighbor when we were both five to show me his cock.

Right.

So I shot my shot at being gay, but I failed.

And he didn't do it.

And he was like, I'm good.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

How did you feel?

All right, whatever.

I don't give a fuck.

I did it mostly as like a rebellious thing because

we had just that day in school,

they had told us, don't.

Show your privates to a stranger.

Just don't show.

They taught us that it was like bad to show people people your cock.

So I was like, maybe me and this guy could show each other.

Maybe there's something cool about it.

Yeah.

They're not telling us about.

Well, there is.

But yeah, unfortunately, dude,

after that, my confidence was shaken, and I never did any gay shit.

But see, I think a lot of kids do that.

A lot of guys do that.

And then they think that it makes them gay, and then they have that in their head for like the rest of their life.

And it totally does not.

Yeah.

No, I mean, it's doing it over and over.

I've told this story.

I've told this story before, and I don't.

No.

You just, I don't want to blow up anybody's spot, but there was like an older, it was like his aunt lived in the neighborhood.

He would come visit an older kid, and he would be like, let me suck your dick.

And I let him do that a bunch.

But then he would be like, he'd be like, you know, you do it to me.

I'd be like, no, I'm not.

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

And then

I dodged the bullet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was like your bitch, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, well,

I think I mentioned this board one time he like he had like a little sister because that kid must have been getting like fucking molested or something probably yes and he had like a little sister and I remember one time like he

like had her squat over his head oh no on like a transformer you know those like transformer boxes yeah yeah yeah and piss into his mouth

whoa broad daylight Whoa.

And then he was like, try it.

It tastes like beer.

And it's like, you shouldn't be drinking beer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Damn.

This kid was getting fucked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was that poor fucking kid.

But

he probably thought you were a cool guy if you wanted to suck your cock.

Yeah, I mean, it made, you know, gave me the opposite a lot of confidence.

I wish some guy wanted to suck my dick when I was a kid.

And then you get older and you're like, then you find out that's gay and you're like, damn.

Wait, that doesn't count?

Yeah.

Talk.

Yeah.

It just seemed like an awesome thing.

Yeah.

Like an awesome little trick.

No, I do.

It's just so many guys.

No, I mean, I know what you're saying, but i i i know a bunch of people that have been like yeah i've sucked a dick one time yeah well the straight people also it did with me but i remember there was like an anonymous confession website

like like post a long time ago like 2000 yeah i forget the name remember post secret uh i don't but that wasn't it and girls were really like 95 of them were just you know Yeah, when I was like six, I sucked my cousin's dick, and now I want to kill myself.

Right, yeah.

There's just a lot of people like that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Damn, yeah, no.

And I was like, oh, I think I was just a coward.

Yeah.

Because I tried with that one guy, and then I never tried it.

And then I never.

I had a weird, like,

my partner.

I think I mentioned this before.

My partner in Kitchener.

Oh, so you had a husband.

Yeah.

Like a husband.

No, no, no.

Like she was a weird little white trash girl.

Like a civil union.

I wish.

So she was like woke, so you called her partner?

We called each other partner.

No, she was like.

Was she my girlfriend?

She was like, so

partner.

Yeah, yeah.

And then she found out her clip was bigger than yours, and she broke out with your

dick was the same size it is now.

Thank you very much.

A fully adult man.

Oh, I thought you were going to say

a senior.

I don't have a baby's penis.

I had a full-grown penis as a baby.

That has to have happened to somebody where they had like a small adult's penis growing up.

And you're like, fuck yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Just like never having a gross bird.

Yeah.

I mean, literally that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's true.

It probably definitely has.

Dude, I remember a kid I knew, like, a girlfriend was like, oh my God, he has a huge penis.

It's like an

Ian just turned into like a dust cloud outline.

And then I heard a rumor in high school that he had like a massively small penis.

I was like, I guess he just had to do it.

They should say it that way.

That sounds cool.

Yeah.

He's got like a massively small penis.

He's got like a monster penis.

It's like a compliment.

It's a creepy, It's like a Nosferatu.

He's got a monster small dick.

Oh, cool.

That's funny.

That's me.

Also, another weird thing that happened:

there was like this rumor about this girl that was like a slut, and she

ate MMs out of this guy's ass.

And everyone's like, oh my God, she's such a slut.

What a gross.

She's a peanut or regular.

I don't know.

But it's like, why did everyone hate her and think she was a slut?

And not the kill.

Why are you asking someone to eat MMs out of your ass?

Misogyny.

Yeah, can you dress up like Santa and eat MMs out of your ass, right?

Misogyny, brother.

And say, they do exist.

Yeah.

Just the red and yellow MM being like, how the fuck are we going to get out of here?

They're just in an ass.

They're like, what is this commercial?

And he's like, well, in high school.

I thought that was common.

My friend told me a lot of people blow each other, so I figured it was pretty common that people ate MMs out of each other's asses.

And now I'm a creative director.

And we're so happy to have you here.

And my name is

Ripperbike.

What?

I was going to say, my name is Bethy.

You're bad with a microphone on.

Sorry, sorry.

Your job is exclusively on microphone.

I know.

You're both a stand-up.

I pulled away from broadcasting.

Because when I laugh, I move my hands like that.

Yeah.

We heard a funny story about

a.

Did you say his name or not, but

stop what do you

about what?

About

I would say no.

I'm going to go with our friend blowing some set because he held the mic.

Oh, yeah.

I don't want to.

Oh,

okay.

It would have been disappointing.

But it's funny because I've always, when I did stand up,

before I quit to explore what happened

in elementary school with my friend.

Do some deep thinking.

Yeah, no, I would always reread your past.

Yeah, because I would always just hold a mic on my chin so I know I'm talking into it.

But then I would tape sets and you can't see my mouth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it kind of fucks up.

Anytime I saw somebody that could hold a mic, you know, further away, I'm like, I should figure out how to do that.

I used to do that because I used to hold the mic in one hand and like walk around and I would hold it down and kind of like yell.

But now I hold.

What are you laughing at?

I used to be a hand-free to do fucking somersaults.

Yeah, now I'm hands-free so I can be as Italian and gay as I want.

Italian brings his own Janet Jackson Jackson-style microphone.

Yeah, I have it at an earset.

Corey Raph dances.

It's amazing.

Yeah, man.

But I'm sorry to cut you off for Ian.

No, it's all good.

That chili smells so good.

Yeah, Ian's getting, or Eldis is getting busy in the kitchen.

Well, Eldis is gone now.

Are we going to go get marshmallows?

Oh, yeah, we're going to make it your fucking pajamas, dude.

Well, I can change out of the pajamas.

He's got a robe and boots you can put on.

I got robe and boots.

You get to get on the pajama train, dude.

I fuck with pajamas.

I'm not anti-pajama.

It feels so good to shower and put on like clean pajamas.

Did you get to the bottom?

Do you have multiple sets?

I really don't like it.

I don't like pajamas.

You don't like pajamas?

I don't like the idea of them.

Why?

I'm with you.

I have to sleep in just underwear.

Actually, I'm with you.

But I think

in terms of evening loungewear, I like the idea of being in my house at 8 p.m., nothing to do, fresh shower.

That's what men used to do.

And I like it.

I feel like I'm

folding them.

I'm a man, yes.

Take them off and fold them before I get pussy.

I do not get pussy.

And I have a big coffee thermos I carry on.

We talked about it, but I don't really like it.

Sometimes when I get too comfortable, I feel like claustrophobic.

Yeah, see, I love getting it.

Is that when the thoughts come back?

Yeah, but more.

I feel like I'm in like a coffin.

No one's home.

Yeah, Nick is a shoes in the house guy.

Yeah, fully clothed.

Yeah, even at home alone, I'm like.

You can't really chill.

I'm never, yeah.

That's crazy.

I take a shower, I get dressed immediately.

What about slippers?

Would you put on slippers?

Wait, what do you do?

Yeah, I get dressed immediately.

After you shower.

After I shower.

In his own home.

When you're wet.

Yeah.

In a shower job like his own.

Like he's splitting a hotel room with his friend.

I do that.

Unless it's nighttime.

But I immediately get dressed afterwards.

I don't wear rent like in my night.

It's kind of weird that guy, Hugh Hefner, he only wore pajamas.

But he didn't leave his house.

So he was only a horophobic.

He was a shut-in.

He was?

I don't know.

He didn't really leave.

I didn't know when he left his house.

He was a bunch of whores.

That's pretty slow.

He had everything he needed.

He would just send a whore on an errand.

He'd wear pajamas and fuck his

favorite thing about him

was that he had like scheduled relationships.

This is my girlfriend for like six months.

Jesus.

And then you get traded out for somebody else.

The main model?

The main one was Heidi.

I remember.

I remember.

Yeah.

Yes.

And I jacked off to Kendall as well.

Ken doll?

No.

She was a woman.

You jacked off to a Kendall?

Yeah.

She was a Kole.

He's like, wow, finally, a man with a smaller penis.

I've seen at least a couple pictures of people online.

Instead of fat Barbie, they should have just done fat Ken with money.

Yeah.

Fat doll Ken.

Yeah, baby.

But he's nice to Barbie.

But he's cool.

He's nice.

He knows good restaurants.

He gets you an Uber home because he's a good guy.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

This mic, man.

Dude, have you ever tried slippers indoors?

Would you wear slippers?

I don't like them, dude.

No, yeah, you got to wear shoes.

Well, yeah, I have to be fully dressed.

I don't like

not having

Nick is a zipper-down sex guy.

Yeah,

I pulled the dungaries through the zippers, fully dressed.

Yeah, when you're doing it in public or at home?

At home.

At home.

What?

He would never do it in public.

He's not a degenerate.

Yeah, I'm not a degenerate.

In fact,

even at home, I often don't.

Yeah.

Wait.

He doesn't have even when you're doing it missionary.

Nah.

Yeah.

You leave your jeans on.

on.

I'm completely cool.

He is.

He is.

He is, dude.

He is.

Why are you laughing at him, dude?

Why are you laughing at him?

I'm laughing with him.

We've never laughed at

him.

Because he is a hole in the front.

You've never laughed in the back.

I have a zipper in the back.

Why am I laughing at you?

Yeah, I hate like a nice sweater.

Like, when you have to wear a sweater to like Thanksgiving dinner.

Right.

Yeah.

Really makes me uncomfortable.

Really?

What would you rather wear?

What's that?

What would you rather wear?

Just a t-shirt?

Yeah, I guess, yeah, just

jeans and a t-shirt.

You never like to throw on a nice little sweater?

No, even when I have to wear it, like when I had to go to the last time I had to wear a suit was for Racine's wedding, I think.

And yeah, just a super.

Oh, dude, a suit, you feel fucking awesome.

No, I hate it.

I don't like.

You feel like fucking James Bond, Keanu Reeves, fucking mafia guys.

A lot of cool guys wore suits.

You never feel like fucking, not James Dean, fucking Dino Martin, Dean Martin.

Dean Martin.

Hey, Mambo, Mambo Italiano.

Go, go, go.

That's awesome, Dean.

That's Rosemary Clooney, isn't it?

I believe so.

Yeah.

It's not Dean Martin.

It's a woman.

Dean Martin does Mambo Italiano.

I'm sure there's a recording.

I'm sure he's covered.

Well, you are Italian, I guess you should.

I would be the one that knows.

Mambo Italiano was what they called their relationship.

His book fairy guy.

His African boyfriend.

That's very good.

I can only riff on that topic.

That's perfect.

Until we mine the book fair, I can't do that.

We have so much.

We've barely taken a bite out of the book fair.

It's just giant turkey-like, and we've

nibbled.

You got to leave him wanting more.

No.

You got to be like, no.

You got to leave him.

You just dive into the book fair.

Dive in.

You're right.

We don't have you back.

You know what you call a guy you're about to cruise at the book fair a bookmark.

Nice.

That's good, man.

Yeah.

We're doing good.

Woo.

Yeah.

Nice.

Yeah, we're good.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

Well, Ian, thank you for being on the show.

Thank you for having me.

Thank you for the sleepover, too.

This has been fun.

Yeah, thank you to you, the listener.

Dreaming of buying your first car or new home?

Knowing your FICO score is the first step to making it real.

With My FICO, you can check your score for free and it won't hurt your credit.

You'll get your FICO score, full credit reports, and real-time alerts all in one simple app.

Your credit score is more than just numbers.

It's the key to building the future you've been working toward.

Visit myfico.com/slash free or download the MyFICO app and take the mystery out of your FICO score.

Start your journey toward the perfect engagement ring with Yadav, family owned and operated since 1983.

We'll pair you with a dedicated expert for a personalized one-on-one experience.

You'll explore our curated selection of diamonds and gemstones while learning key characteristics to help you make a confident, informed decision.

Choose from our signature styles or opt for a fully custom design crafted around you.

Visit yadavjewelry.com and book your appointment today at our new Union Square showroom and mention podcast for an exclusive discount.