Ep. 289 – o brother paul blart thou

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Check, check, and check out check-cha-cha-check.

Chitcha-check, triple-double-checks.

Check out pictures of my penis.

Check out my penis.

I'm just kidding.

Please don't look.

Don't look.

It's so small.

Don't look.

This is gonna be a gossip.

Oh, yeah.

What do we got?

Who's been doing stuff?

Turns out Ian is faking home.

He's been faking being gay.

He's gonna have to answer to this.

Listen, don't tell anybody.

Don't tell anybody, bro.

It's been really, I got in at the cellar by sucking dick.

Oh, wow.

That is huge, dude.

That's a huge fucking announcement.

You know, it's funny.

It's like, you know, it's, you know, who owns the comedy seller?

Uh, who?

Well, you know who owns the comedy seller.

Oh, right, right, right.

Originally, it was the comedy cell, S-E-L-L-E-R.

Interesting.

Yeah.

They would sell

just comedy or selling stuff?

That's where the name came from, is the comedy seller.

Right.

They would sell stuff.

Yeah.

We're about selling comedy.

Because they love money.

Sorry, just kidding.

Oh, fuck.

It's a beautiful December, crisp December day here.

It is.

Adam is

at the Monaco International Gay Sex Festival.

He had to go to the Monaco International Gay Sex Festival.

He's getting his ass fucked by the crown prince of,

I don't know, what's still around?

What are some kingdoms?

Dubai.

It's Dubai.

Saudi Arabia.

Saudi Arabia.

Hungarian Empire still exists, I'm pretty sure.

Yep.

Hungary has a king.

Well, that's the thing.

Some people claim to be royalty, but the shit's over.

But they still get to be royalty, even though

they don't have to do shit.

That's true.

Like, we know about England and shit, but even like little-ass countries have some shit like that, I feel like.

Yeah, some people are Rockefellerfellers or Rothschilds and shit.

Right.

Yeah.

That's just wild.

I would like to get some Rothschild pussy.

You know,

who the fuck?

Somebody married a Rothschild

or

the fucking rapper.

J Electronica.

Everyone was always like, where's the J Electronica album?

It was very highly sought after and waited on.

And everyone's like, why isn't he releasing it?

And the answer is he knocked up a Rothschild's, a Rothschild.

Oh, so you never had a shit.

So he's like, you never fucked shit ever again.

It's awesome.

So if you're some rich bitch that wants some fucking little

fucking working class blue-collar uncircumcised cock up in you,

giving you some fucking

Greek gremlins in your pussy.

Just live in the breakers.

That would be cool, dude.

That would be so good.

Gilded Age mansion.

That would be so fucking sick.

Yeah.

But alas,

alas, I have to start my kingdom.

You have to start your own, become your own royalty.

I have to become my own royalty.

Boyalty.

No, not boyalty.

Yeah.

That's gay.

Fellas,

a whole planet full of fellas.

Oh, so you're thinking we can take over and terraform a planet.

Yeah.

Okay.

Fella form a planet.

Fella form a planet.

All right, that would be kind of sick, actually.

Yeah.

And there's no whores allowed?

It's not that they're not allowed, it's just they're, you know, it's like we're going to have to get pussy at the moment.

You've got to figure out how to get there.

I'm not fucking.

I'm not telling you.

Yeah, exactly.

If you won't make your own spaceship.

The problem is I don't actually know how to make a spaceship.

And from when I watched.

Yeah, we could figure it out.

But when you went, you made breakfast today?

I did.

We had bacon.

We figured out how how to use a laundry machine.

Did you?

I'd like to see a woman do any of that stuff.

Yeah.

I made breakfast, used every dish

here.

The kitchen is a completely different thing.

Might clean it up at some point.

Maybe, maybe not.

Maybe not.

Adam found that screwdriver in the garage.

That's true.

He put the TV together.

He put the TV together.

I figured out where the basement is.

Oh, there's a basement?

Yeah.

Is there cool shit in there?

No, it's kind of creepy.

But that's where I should have been sleeping down.

You should have been goffly sleeping in the basement.

Trying to get tall from radon.

Trying to have a be a mutant turn into a ninja turtle.

Should we put an air mattress down there and tell Ian those are his chambers when he comes?

You think all those, like, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and X-Men and all those, like...

Genetic modification children's shows is responsible for the identity crisis.

That's interesting.

That's why people want to be dragons.

Yep, they want to be mutants.

Yeah.

I remember I wanted to fucking have some powers.

It's funny because the real answer is everybody wants to be something other than themselves.

Yeah.

And the more options you feel like you have, the more wild it'll become.

Yeah.

The more complex and shit our world gets.

Yeah.

It is nice because it probably is putting a dent on the suicide numbers.

Yeah.

You know, if you could just convince yourself you're a fucking Tony the Tiger or whatever.

Furries.

20 years ago, you would have killed yourself.

You would have absolutely fucking

fucking hate me.

Right.

And the option.

Even then, you could just like, well, I could wear a dress.

That's your only option.

That's not my vibe.

Yeah.

Kind of want a dress guy.

And then even then, it's like you'd really get the fucking shit kicked out of you.

You kind of don't want to just be like a daddy tiger with a blue nose.

And the blue tip of my nose.

The blue penis.

It must feel so powerful to step into the furry suit if you're a furry.

You know, I was looking at some because they make their own suits.

That's part of it.

That's awesome.

Can you imagine if you were a trans and you had to do your own dick surgery?

That'd be awesome.

I would feel like your own pussy.

But if you did it and it was awesome, how good you'd feel about your surprise?

It's interesting because then the worst trans people would be in Brooklyn.

Yeah.

Because they don't have any skills.

Yeah, they're fucking terrible at everything.

Yeah.

It would be like a bunch of Zoom recording equipment taped to their

two H5s taped together to make a pussy.

And then reclaimed wood pubes.

A robo pussy sounds pretty cool though.

Yeah, a big Edison light bulb clit.

And then they wear, and then they wear a slack beanie and write a fixie or a break.

Uh-oh, fuck, dude.

You're not taking any fucking pussy.

Prisoner credit coming for them.

You're coming hot for hipsters circa 2006.

Yeah.

Up till 2015, they just like evaporated overnight.

They did.

They all became labor journalists.

Yeah.

The craft beer guys became

some of them even, they're like, they're just right about beer and like their mustache

until 2016 and then overnight it was like

to support the craft beer workers at the dog shithead brewery are unionizing fuck yeah

fuck yeah collective action

fuck yeah

i didn't care about anything except what was happening in the mirror until four years ago and then i realized i could get pussy from 23 year olds if i pretended to care about labor issues i somehow started caring about things and became an even more self-centered piece of shit somehow.

I don't know how that works.

By

what magic that occurred.

Yeah, dude.

Where are the fucking

Mumford and Sons ass motherfuckers at now, dude?

Yeah, it's funny because they all can't be those guys.

I know a nice amount happening.

Yeah, like money now.

It's like, oh, you get money, you get out of touch, you stop caring about things.

And it's like, I feel that's true about myself.

I used to think minimum wage, you know, that we should raise that.

That's important.

Healthcare is important.

And then now I don't really give a fuck.

Now you're agnostic on the issue.

I don't care.

Right.

Because it would be disingenuous if I did.

Right.

Now you care about more PS5s.

Not access to the case.

I don't care about

that.

What's the burning passion in your life right now?

Going out of town, going to a Perkins sometimes.

Yep.

I mean, I think about getting a dog a lot, but...

What kind of dog?

I'd have to leave the city before I even considered it.

Yeah.

A border collie.

That'd be sick, dude.

I mean, I have a bunch of land like this.

Just let the motherfucker run.

Have the other dogs in the neighborhood come by and fuck your dog?

Yeah.

You should have a gay dog.

Me and the dog are both named Ernie.

Oh, you change your name.

Yeah.

My name's Ernie.

And by the way, the other dogs would fuck your dog.

You know what?

You're trying to throw salt on this dream of mine.

It's such a simple, modest

dream to have a border collie named Ernie.

And look, I'm just saying Ernie would be the gay.

He'd be like the gay German Shepherd from Dirty Work.

Do you remember?

Yeah, you know, truth be told, I haven't watched Dirty Work since I was like 12.

I saw it like, I watched it three times when after Norm, Norm's tragic passing.

Leukemia, what is that?

Huh?

What is leukemia?

Your fucking blood is on.

It's weird because that one's always weird to me because it's got a different name than other diseases.

Yeah.

Everything else is like HPV.

Cancer's got its own kind of cool name.

Leucus types.

Yeah, but it's not, you know, there's like breast cancer, prostate cancer.

And there's leukemia, which has got its own.

Is there cock cancer?

It's got its own.

Yeah, you can get cancer anything.

Any cell can get fucked up.

That's what,

what's his name?

Indoni Brosco.

Al Pacino.

I got cancer to prick.

Oh, he does?

I'm the only guy that's ever had it.

Yeah, what's his name?

Lucky?

Lenny?

I don't fucking know.

Larry.

Lucky Larry.

Lucky Lariano.

Lucky Lariano.

Licky Luciano.

Licky Luciano.

Whoa.

I'm trying to suck your fucking cock.

I'm not sucking it.

I'm just licking.

I'm licky now.

If it doesn't go in your mouth, it's not fucking gay.

I'm not a fucking Gugutz.

I don't suck no fucking cock.

I lick the cuckoo.

It's the secret Italian code.

It's the Italian code of not being gay, technically.

We lick it.

The La Cosa

La Caka Sucra.

La Caka Sucra.

I ain't no fucking finouk.

Yeah.

I just licked a cock.

What are you cocksuckers up to?

If you want to write into the show right now.

Yeah, call in.

Remember who we used to say to call in?

Yeah.

Call in.

Call in.

Let us know what you're thinking.

We got a guy here online, too, right now.

Oh, really?

Yeah, let's see if I can.

Hello, my name is

Damn.

What's going to sound right?

Hello.

Hello.

There it is.

No, that's not.

Hello.

There we go.

That's perfect.

That's telephone, boys.

Do you have

a telephone?

Because we can have that be the telephone.

We could.

Yeah,

my name is

Frank Helmo.

Okay, Frank.

What's up?

Type gay.

Really?

Well, I'm learning.

Do you have a question?

No.

You just wanted to talk to Nick?

Well, my question was.

Where'd a pussy at?

I thought you were gay, Frank.

Yeah, man, you know, it's that kind of thing.

Frank, I could have sworn you just said you were gay.

I got COVID.

I heard that you can cure it by getting some pussy.

By getting pussy?

I got that.

Yeah, I got COVID.

That's awesome.

I got an Equinox in the bathroom.

Are your man in good shape?

I'll tell you what the problem is.

Please, Ernie, please.

Me and my friends have been doing this podcast for a couple of years.

You have a podcast?

I have a podcast.

Uh-huh.

It's called,

I don't know who gives a shit.

It's called, I'm Gay and I Have COVID.

That's an awesome podcast title.

I want to kill myself.

Okay.

And I feel what.

Go ahead.

You feel like what?

At this point, it would be,

you know, kind of.

It would be pretty pathetic.

It would be pathetic to kill yourself.

When you're 32, Ernie?

I'm 30.

I'm about to be 32.

33.

I'm about to be 33.

I don't think I said my name was Ernie.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're right.

That's another guy I know.

That's a different guy.

That's a different guy.

The only emotion I ever really have is like,

I'm pretty burned out on everything.

But maybe once...

every month,

there's a maybe three and a half second window.

Okay.

Where I'm like, oh, I'm going to re-watch the Blur Witch Project.

Okay.

And then that

does it for you.

But then it's.

You never end up watching it?

Never watch it.

But it goes right up in the hole.

Are there small pleasures in your life or any?

Like what?

Like fucking.

Like a dark chocolate tumbler on a dark chocolate tumbler.

Yeah, you know what?

Fucking the sun is shining.

That's it.

Maybe Sam

Metroid Prime on

Switch.

Nah, it didn't really do it for me.

I was just

something to kill time with.

Okay.

Listen, I'll tell you what.

I'm going to go.

Okay, Aaron.

And

I'm just going to.

I'll pitch out.

I'll look at the news.

How about can I?

I think there's actually another

somewhere else on the line.

Let's see here.

You do that move.

I think that'll do it.

Hello?

Try now.

Hi.

Hi, can you guys...

Hello?

Am I on with the fellas?

I think so.

Hello.

Can you hear me?

I don't really think I sound like I'm on the phone, really.

Try it.

Maybe.

Oh, we're getting closer.

You sound like you're on the phone now?

I don't think so.

How about that?

Yeah.

No, no, I'm just going to.

Now you sound.

Now I can hear you breathing

pretty hard, but I don't really feel like I'm on the phone.

I don't know.

I don't really know how to.

Who cares?

Okay, well.

Fuck this gay feeling.

I have a friend who can't really express himself unless he's doing characters.

And it's barely a character.

Unless he's modulating his voice with his.

Maybe the problem is he has nothing to express.

And I don't really know what to tell him.

Maybe at some point, yeah.

You should stop.

It's not a matter of expression.

It's just accepting that's how it's going to be.

I think he should just accept life is gay, but even in the gayest life, we got a pretty easy one.

And it makes it worse, doesn't it?

I guess I can stop talking like this because it barely sounds like I'm on the phone.

Yeah, it doesn't really work.

Fuck

myself.

That's good stuff.

That is really good stuff, man.

Oh, there we go.

That is really fucking good stuff.

And like we said, Adam is at the International Gay Sex Festival in Monaco.

So we need to.

Monaco, you think that place is named after Monaco?

Monaco for friends.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

And I think she's got a nice pussy, by the way.

Courtney Cox?

Courtney Cox.

So she married David Cox.

That's a weird name for a woman.

Yeah, absolutely.

You think it would be Courtney Vaginas.

Yeah, exactly.

What's David Schwimmer's name?

David Pussies?

Yeah, David Schwimmer.

Yeah, no, it's David Schwimmer.

I'm going swimming.

I'm going swimming.

That's when you put a shirt on in the pool.

I'm going swimming.

I'm going swimming.

Oh, but my

titties, everyone can see them.

Everyone can see my brow.

See my fucking tattoo.

Rachel.

Rachel.

Rachel, don't look at my tats.

Could I have any more heart of a dick?

Joey, come s show show me your penis.

I was in the pool.

I was wearing a shirt, and everyone could still see my nipples.

Dude, I love

this story about Charlottesville defendant representing himself in court, quoted mind comp.

Yeah, that's so fucking sweet.

And later used the N-word during his opening statement.

That just set the tone.

And I don't know what an opening statement is.

So the first thing that pops into my mind is like the

word.

About two years ago,

in a city.

An international parasite that controlled the banks.

Yeah, I respect that guy being like, yeah, I'm racist.

Yeah.

Have we said Luke Guy sucker before?

I don't think so, but that has something to it.

That's his asshole opening up.

Guys, Kaka.

Guys, Guy Saka.

Come to the straight side?

You have an ancient power, Anakin.

What's that?

You were born a slave, but the truth is, you're supposed to be a sex server.

You're supposed to suck cock magically good.

Here, try this giant cock that I have.

It's been the same joke for five years.

And the problem is, the show will end, but that'll keep being funny to me.

And in my personal life, I won't stop doing this.

I'd like to think that I'm tired of it, but really.

The problem is you record it and you realize you're getting more and more emotionally immature as you get it.

That's right.

And there was a point where I was in probably my, when I was 24, and I was like, okay, it's time to grow up and stop laughing and making this joke at the same time.

You got to get better at comedy, but I think that's it.

And then the world started making me rich for doing it.

And then, yes, you make too much much money and

you just stay in a state of arrested development.

I rapidly cycle between wanting to kill myself and wanting to know what Sabulba's cock looks like.

Wanting to suck Sabulba.

Whoa, look who came just in time to do his job.

What?

You're back for the International Gay Sex Festival in Monaco?

Yeah, I will say that.

And we still haven't fixed the cable, unfortunately.

Yeah, I'm sorry, folks.

Next week.

No, no, no, it's fine.

We haven't fixed the cable, but today's episode, we promised the fans, we said we were going to do it for a while, but today is the day we read Sabalba's Wikipedia page

in its entirety.

You've been waiting for it.

Ah, fuck.

Some motherfucking Bulba.

A crafty, vicious Doug.

Sebalba became one of the Outer Rim's most successful pod racers.

Oh, that's who Sebulba is.

Yeah.

It sounds like a good name.

You don't remember Sebalba?

I do now, yeah.

I'm going to win.

Let me see your pussy.

Let me fuck your ass and pussy.

Fuck you, Sebalba.

I'm Anakin guy sucker.

Alright.

What's wrong?

He's gonna switch the cable.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, Sabalba.

You fucking homo.

I sucked my mom's pussy.

Fuck you, Sabalba.

I'm a sex slave, and you're a space.

You're some weird bug space, and I'm a sex slave.

So who is Anakin's dad?

Just a random guy?

Darth Vader, dude.

No.

He is Anakin.

Guys, don't gaslight me.

Who was the guy that came in his mom to make him?

Do Do they ever get into that?

Let's think about that.

Skywalker or five, like maybe Han Solo.

They really have like five characters that all just are each other's fucking.

I know, it's fucking stupid.

I can't believe they made that Daisy Ridley bitch the emperor's daughter, or whatever the fuck granddaughter.

Although I would fuck Daisy Ridley.

I got a riddle for her.

My name is Lazy Diddler.

Yeah.

I have a riddle for her.

What's

sort of hard and five and a half inches

and about to go in your mouth.

What's hard and soft and small all over?

Yeah, riddle me that

the Sphinx, and then it's just like the Sphinx is like, What's hard and soft and small all over?

A little like Egyptian guy being like, Your dick, and he's like,

No, it's your dick.

And the door's opening, he's like, Stop that,

just pawing at it.

It's not my dick,

your weird little cat dick.

I have a different guy.

I have a human dick.

I have a human dick

in the sand.

You can't see it because it's in the sand.

So, how's the show been?

Really good.

We got Luke Scott, Guy Sucker.

Luke Guy Scucker.

We took a couple phone calls.

We'll do a couple phone calls.

Two calls.

Oh, you're one.

I don't think.

Gay guy.

Yeah, Anakin Skywalker is supposed to be Jesus.

So he's believed to have been conceived by the Midi-Clorians, which are just like a parasite.

I see.

Oh, they never say.

Anakin Skywalker is born to the slave Shme Skywalker.

Shmee?

Yeah.

From Captain Hook?

The gay guy can't keep his shirt down.

Oh, Captain!

My asshole is puckering for that alligator.

Remember when he shaved the bird's ass instead of Captain Hook?

Oh, in the cartoon.

Yeah.

The first thing that popped into my mind was the Bob Hoskins.

Of course, of course.

Anytime I think of it.

He plays baseball.

As a kid, even now.

I was still, I didn't believe it when my mom was like, that's the guy from Roger Rabbit.

I was like, no, he isn't, you fucking idiot.

It's shme.

How dare you talk to her that way?

Because I was a little kid and I thought I knew everything.

As a child, and even now, I wanted the Jolly Roger, Captain Hook's ship.

It's a good ship.

I would love to live on that ship.

You know what?

You would be a good Captain Hook.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, why not?

Thanks.

Can't you see him being Captain Hook?

Nick?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Being a little fucking weird gay villain.

Yeah.

Isn't it time to sell people

fake drugs?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which one?

Especially us?

I don't know.

While you guys are looking up, I think I have a show in Boston this weekend, or maybe that was last week.

Boys Town.

And I have a pantheon with a hot lineup on the 15th at UN.

And you did your dick card with Blue Chew when you head there.

Yes.

Okay, we'll finish the plugs after.

But I'm coming to the West Coast, San Diego, Sacramento, Vegas.

Sounds like I'm also going to San Diego

for a funeral.

That sucks, dude.

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Do you want to come back to me?

That's also copying Nick because I believe he also went to a funeral in San Diego a couple years ago.

That is true.

That's weird.

Shit, death comes in threes.

Do I know anyone in San Diego?

Do you have an uncle there?

No, but I have a friend.

Uncles love dying in San Diego.

They love wearing wearing sunglasses on the back of their heads and then dying in San Diego.

What is it about uncles?

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And I want to say, go get your Stobby Baby 2022 calendars.

Come see me on the road.

The Prince of Pleasure tour of the pleasure continues.

It's going on in 2022.

Like I said, we got San Diego.

We got Vegas.

We got, I think, Vancouver.

I think Sacramento.

Austin, Texas.

I'm coming to you, little motherfuckers, San Francisco, all of Texas.

So yeah, right now

we're back in the cabin.

I don't exactly know, but it's coming.

So, go to stopby.biz/slash tour.

I'm adding a whole bunch of Chicago, I think, is happening in March.

A lot of stuff's happening.

So, keep your fucking eye.

Toronto, trying to go everywhere, folks.

So, the pleasure continues and buy the calendar and buy Beluchu and make your dick hard.

Stopby.biz.

Yes.

Dot pussy.pussy.

Should I get get.pussy?

Get.pussy.

You think that it redirects your tour dates?

That would be awesome.

You just have these confused guys coming to your shows.

Dude, I would love to have get.pussy.

Will we miss a goal?

Man, you just fucking went up 3-0 on Tottenham.

On the Hot Spurs.

Yep.

More like the Cold Spurs.

More like the fucking losers.

They had a Greek guy.

He used to play at Ron Biakos.

Stelios Janakopoulos.

Stelios.

was what was on the back of his jersey.

Sick.

Yeah.

They let Greek guys have their first names like we're Brazilian on the back of our jerseys.

You kind kind of are the Brazilians of Europe.

Brazilians of Europe, yeah.

Stavros on the back of a jersey would look sick.

Would better than Halkias for sure.

That would be cool.

No, I'm just looking at pirate ships.

That's awesome, dude.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

Dude, sometimes I get it.

I apologize.

I missed the show.

No, dude.

Your flight just got in.

My flight just got in, yes.

From Monaco.

From where?

Yeah.

At the Grand Penis.

The Grand Peninsula.

Peninsula.

Well,

I was working the festival.

I didn't have actually a pass.

It was business, not pleasure.

Yeah, I was an employee of the Gay Sex Festival.

What was it this year?

Because I know you started cleaning out the glory holes.

Yeah, last year was a lot more menial labor.

Right.

This year,

social media?

I'm doing some posts for them, and I'm a greeter, like a Walmart greeter.

And try to get some of the top guys to do your podcast.

Yeah.

I see them walk in, I curtsey.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

But you're doing like mostly content, doing like Man on the Street interviews with the gay guys there.

Yeah, I've been doing a lot of, and I think, I think this is actually going to blow up.

I like, might have to.

Yeah, Man on the Skeet.

Man on the Skeet.

That's your ticket out, bro.

I think that might be my ticket out.

Man on the all-gas, no breaks, but the gay version.

Yeah.

Skeet kids.

All task no lube.

All ass, no.

No pussy.

I wouldn't deal with that.

All ass, no pussy.

Adam's man on the street interview show.

I'm at the Folsom Street Festival in San Francisco.

Looking for gay guys.

Looking for gay guys.

We should do, yeah, we should do a thing called Billy on the Skeet.

And you can be Billy and you're cum drunk.

You've got, we put fake cum all over, maybe real cum all over your face.

Yeah, whatever you're comfortable with.

And then you just, you're like, I'm out here talking to New Yorkers.

And then you just burp up like cum all over your shirt.

Yeah.

And you're like, how do you feel about the Ground Zero mosque?

For one shot.

To bring the fucking big cabs back.

Who do you think this guy is, Indian or Poon Job?

Where are you going?

Billy on the skeet, everywhere.

Billy on the skeet.

And that way you have two very different projects that if one fails, one will take off.

Yeah, I like to have my

different place.

Trying every haul car.

Sorry.

We're going to try and suck the guy's cocks.

I drank too much cum.

But I guess that is the premise of the show.

So we're talking.

Why is the cum giving you so much bad indigestion?

Yeah.

Maybe you're not meant to drink cum, dude.

Maybe you're straight, Billy.

I pulled a little rod Stewart before we got started today.

They got a three-liter at come now at Dollar General.

I thought Bloomberg outlawed.

Oh, all the big serving sizes?

Yeah.

Yeah, I got a big gulp full of colour.

You're watching Billy on the Skeet with Adam Friedland.

And I'm Billy.

Okay, Mr.

Holcar guy.

Ha,

what do you like?

Does your family...

Was it Civil War?

Yeah.

Dude, that's.

I still think about that.

That's all right.

And it was the bodega.

That's all right, man.

It's disgusting, man.

Yeah, what's going on?

Are you okay?

Did my breakfast sing it for you?

No, I was doing the character.

Oh, okay.

You're just such a good actor.

Yeah.

It seemed like you had rum in your belly.

Well, sometimes.

Have you seen that movie with that?

Sometimes something feels real to you.

You know,

when I read the script for Billy on the Skeet,

I looked over at, I was dating Dennis Quaid at the time.

And,

you know, I had killed him.

Wow.

He had been decomposing for weeks on the couch.

I didn't know that.

Yeah.

I said, this is it.

This is what's going to bring you back to life.

And then we can be in love again.

Yeah.

And I proceeded to get regular drunk and then

drink a lot of cum also on top of it.

So prepare for the role.

And then I went back over to the couch and I realized that I had hallucinated the script.

There was no script.

There's no script.

What about a year or two?

There was Dennis Quaid.

That was also.

And it was 2017.

And you had killed a drifter.

And I did.

I killed a homeless guy.

And you kept calling him Dennis Quaid.

And I kept calling him Dennis Quaid, but I was picturing, you know, in dreams when you're like, yeah.

Oh, that's Dennis Quaid, but it was actually

my cousin's fiancée.

Oh, wow.

But it was just a homeless guy.

Where it's like three different things.

Of course, of course.

Now your family's not talking to you.

And I didn't, it wasn't, I wasn't embarrassed by the murder or any of the other stuff, but I accidentally called, I raised my hand and called him mom.

Oh, that's weird.

Yeah.

I I said mom.

Yeah, like when you're at school.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You call your teacher mom.

Yeah.

And then I woke up.

Wow.

Do you did I?

Shit.

Maybe this is all a dream.

Are you a or has it just begun?

Are you a butterfly dreaming of being a closeted podcaster or a podcaster dream closeted podcaster dreaming of being a butterfly?

Used to say Chang Soon.

Where happen to all the butterfly tram stamp girls?

They're still out there.

They're just like standing there.

No, they're like yelling.

They're yelling about vaccines at PTA meetings now.

They're chunked up, but they're getting their pussy stuffed still.

They're absolutely getting fucked in.

They're cheating.

They're cheating, or they're single moms, and they're just having, they're getting ran through for sure.

Which is nice.

It's good to know.

They're considering starting in OnlyFans,

but not sure if they're over the hill or not.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So they got to go a little bit more extreme just to drive the traffic.

I'm thinking of when I was 16 and a girl that was so hot we were 16 got that and just it's been you know had a kid I think like two years later it'd be great the video of like a it's all been downhill you busted when I was 16 I used to jack off to her shit I still think to PTA meetings no to this girl that was hot tramp stamp when I grew up she got it she got like an illegal tramp stamp before you were allowed you're supposed to wait until you're 18 illegal tramp stamp you should have called the police on it I should have been had her sent to the big house I should have been like listen there's a way we can stop this should have called the penis on it yeah yeah I should have sounds like suck me off here in the rec center sounds like you did.

I dialed 5.511.

I said I got an emergency or to report.

Small pick player.

5.5.

You have to press 5 and 6 together really fast at the same exact time, and that's 5.5.

You can play hot cross buttons with the buttons.

I remember that.

Yeah.

Also, early.

I was doing a lot of that.

Call up my cousin.

I'd be like, what's up, you fucking?

Yeah, that's a good one.

Oh, yeah, I forgot the physical sensation of the button.

Poke,

I love you.

That's why Nick lords over the board so he could have his buttons.

Yeah.

You could use the board if you knew how to use it.

I don't want to do that.

You think I want to do this?

I'm saying that because I want to use the board.

And by the way, yes, you do want to do it.

The way you just fucking said it implied I'm hogging the board.

Oh, my God.

Why don't you come over here?

Touch all the fucking buttons you want, power.

I'll touch them.

Except the one you touched that ruined the episode a week ago.

Right.

Okay,

I love you.

That was the awesome feel.

I like the way that.

It's nice to know the guitar riff is there.

Yeah.

It's a reminder of simpler times.

Whoa.

Yeah.

We need more sound effects.

Yeah.

We need to plug in like a fucking 18, like something with 50 buttons.

Well, I might just get a separate soundboard that plugs into here.

Perfect.

I like the going all analog.

I love that.

You know?

Yeah, fuck you, dude.

Pro analog.

Yeah, we should get just like the mixing board from

the Asia documentary, The Steely Dan.

That would be sick, dude.

Real professional setup.

I am having a hard ass dick.

Yeah, that would be sick, dude.

Maybe we get the Arnold from E-Bomb's World soundboard.

Oh, yeah.

Who is your daddy?

I'm a cop, you already know.

Who is your daddy, and what does he do?

My brain is okay, whatever.

It's a learning computer.

Should we watch a Schwarzenegger movie after this?

We should, dude.

Let's watch True Eyes.

I haven't seen True Eyes in forever.

I watched it.

I was watching it a couple of months ago, but it's a very good movie.

What about Last Action Hero?

It's such, I loved that movie so much when I was a kid.

So did I.

I was like,

I hope that happens to me.

I wanted to fantasize it.

Yeah, I know.

I'm like, I hope.

A movie becomes real.

Any movie.

I would take any movie.

Yeah.

Becomes real.

And I fucking am in the movie.

Radio Flyer.

I don't care.

Yeah, fuck it.

I'll be abused.

I want to be in the movie.

I would be abused.

Yeah.

Why don't we watch Radio Flyer?

I don't know what happens to that movie.

Sounds bad.

It is.

Let's watch one of those two movies.

Watch Nell.

Let's all masturbate the Nell together.

What's Nell?

It's about a mentally handicapped woman that.

Is Angeline and Jolie in that?

I don't remember.

I don't remember Nell.

I'm trying to think of.

Do you see her tits?

I honestly have not seen Nell since I was like.

Sounds like a hot name.

I would fuck somebody named Nell.

Jody Foster plays like a mentally retarded woman.

Oh, damn.

She's like a feral child.

Never mind.

I'm not interested in that.

Yeah, that was a movie.

Cut off from the modern world, Nell is a wild child who's lived her entire life.

I think they showed me this in school.

When her mother dies, she is found kindly by Dr.

Jerome Lovell,

who is fascinated by Nell and the language she has developed.

Lavelle and the equally curious Dr.

Paula Olson eventually camp out near Nell's cabin, slowly introducing her to the larger world she's never.

Oh, Liam Neeson is in this as well.

Look at that.

I want to show you my penis.

I just showed

Anakin Kai sucker.

Yeah.

And I want to show it to you too, Nell.

I want to have sex with you.

I've never had sex with a retard before.

Nell can't even speak.

That's my language.

That's the ancient language of King of the Emma.

She just said I feel so beautiful

as I have sex with a retarded woman

damn dude.

Damn.

I just thought about Angela's ashes and how sad that

she's a challenge to be studied.

She's been completely isolated.

A blood test will pick up childhood disease.

You said she can talk.

Yeah, but it's some kind of language of her own.

Some kind of fucked up language.

Yeah, it's some kind of retard language.

She talks to me.

She asked me to fuck her a bunch of times.

She gave me consent.

She was speaking her retard.

She's the only one that knows the language, though.

Don't try and figure it out.

She's getting any skills she doesn't presently possess.

How do you know she wants to leave the cabin?

You want to have her grow up in the lab?

She wants to stay in the cabin and suck my dick.

Yeah, I don't think I ever want to watch Nail again.

I want to remember the movie as that.

That's good stuff.

I think you nailed it.

Some hiker or fish.

I think he nailed it.

Once word gets out, we might as well start selling tickets.

So, what do we do, huh?

Build a wall around the woods?

It's time to show her the big, bad world and see how she ends.

Let's start with my penis.

I'll show her my penis.

I've got an idea.

Well, you don't say you're right.

That's a good idea.

Why don't we start with my penis?

You gotta fuck her.

She's gotta be sexed into the real world.

It's like joining the cribs.

You scared?

They could never understand her world, for she helped them discover how to understand theirs.

God damn.

What a shit movie.

I mean, I remember, I saw it as a child.

I think he literally showed it to us.

You can see Jody Foster's like ass or something, I remember as a kid.

Being like, I don't know what jacking off is, but one day I will.

And I'm going to come back to this.

It's a damn shame she doesn't go for fellas.

You give me 10 minutes alone.

Yeah, I'll give her a talk after it.

I think I can get her to change her tune.

I'm just going to show up dressed like a lesbian.

I'm just going to show up in a bowler shirt.

I'm just going to walk up to her and throw a cum in her face.

And I'll be like, remember from Silence of the Lambs?

Big fan.

Get the hell out of here.

Yeah.

Very funny.

Very funny.

Maybe I will suck your dick.

People do that to me all the time.

That would be so.

Dude, I would not like that.

Jodie, good to see you again.

I've got a gift for you.

Time Academy Award.

Very children.

Williams, for the last time, we're not doing your rewrites.

Hold on, this is fucking, just this single shot of him carrying her out of the hospital, but it's him to.

They're right here.

Oh, yeah.

He's just running out of the hospital.

It looks like he stole her.

No, if I get out, I'm taking her back to the pussy getting up.

Oh, fuck.

Liam motherfucking Neeson.

A sexy guy.

Oh, absolutely.

Was a fantastic.

We covered this, I think, a month and a half ago.

He's got a really nice voice.

This is a call back to a month and a half ago when we all looked looked at his cock for about 10 minutes.

That gift is.

You know what I was thinking?

You know what I was thinking?

Since when we get the boys here,

maybe that's the day I make a pork shoulder.

Oh, yeah, it's gotta be Monday.

It's gotta be.

Get a big fat pork shoulder.

God damn it.

Fucking.

You also want to talk about fucking...

God fucking.

Yeah, we want to talk about fuck.

It's fine, man.

Yeah, it's fuck.

It's okay, man.

It's fuck.

It's alright, dude.

Just chill out.

I was too busy.

Out in the woods.

Nah, dude, that just means the episode's going to end quicker.

Yeah, what do we do?

Build a wall around my cock?

What are we talking about?

Cushy Dreams.

Cushy Dreams.

Guess what?

That was the one that was on top.

Wow.

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Ew, dude.

And they want to sneak.

I'm fucking.

I'm pissed off you even said that.

I shouldn't have even brought that up.

Ew.

Vapes and gummies?

Pathetic.

Why the hell would I want to do that?

Yeah.

What are you?

Some fucking.

What am I?

A baby with a fucking little baby cock?

And baby's penis.

What do I have?

A baby's penis?

What do I have?

A baby's penis?

I have a regular adult.

Microscenes impression of Rojo Perez.

Yeah, it's very good.

But I don't know if I should have said that.

I don't know if Rojo knows he does it.

Yeah, maybe we should maybe mark that and just beep it out.

Well, whatever.

He's a comedian.

He should know.

We're all doing impressions.

What about this?

Did your dick just fart?

Maybe it did, maybe it didn't.

You put the mic down.

Did you just come out of your vagina?

Did that come out of your putting?

Did you just queen it?

No, we talked about gay guys having sex missionary a couple times.

We did not talk about some of them.

Being able to fart

to be able to fart.

No, it was a matter of my

No, that came out of your vagina.

No, it hit the chair.

That came right out.

And it bounced off the chair and it went into the mic.

That came right out of your vagina.

I don't have a pussy.

I have fat balls.

Let's get the pussy detector out.

No, you don't have a pussy detector.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You're using the B button.

People can't even see you.

It's not a visual medium.

Nick is holding holding the microphone close to my dick, which is a dick, by the way, and not a pussy.

Let's get the dick detector out.

You don't have one of those.

No, he's pointing it to my dick.

That's my dick.

That's my dick.

Now it's on his dick, and it's not making any noise.

Yeah.

It's on my dick again.

So I was still on my dick.

Still on my dick.

You got to think about it, you fucking piece of shit.

Yeah.

That was a good trick.

That was real brain wars.

I felt like I was playing

air hockey.

It was close, though.

It was close.

You almost had me.

Well, there's a little foosball.

Coozball.

What are we talking about?

Cussy dreams.

Cussy dreams.

Ooh, I just got a second wind.

Singing about Liam Neeson raping a retarded girl in the woods.

Yeah.

That's the kind of stuff that really adds a little, like the sweet sauce to life.

Take a little shot of Sweet Baby Ray.

Get the blood flowing.

Thinking about some big dick racist Irish mongolord raping a different kind of retard

in a cabin in North Carolina.

She deserves it because her family is probably racist.

I got no idea.

Anything to justify

some kind of punitive violence.

That's so fucking true, man.

That's what being an American.

And that's what being a cushy dreams consumer is about.

Isn't that right, Adam?

That's right.

And they're now shipping legally to all 50 states.

That's so awesome.

So anyway, it looks like high-quality marijuana.

It feels like high-quality marijuana.

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It does not get you.

I'm about efficiency.

Me too.

100%.

Minimum effort, maximum output.

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't get you.

Minimum output.

Who cares?

Yeah,

that rocks, too.

It's just minimum effort.

Yeah.

It does not get you high.

There's next to no THC, independent lab testing.

And that's, by the way, a good thing.

That's a good thing.

I know you're probably hearing that and you're like, wow, what am I fucking gay?

Yeah, THC is actually gay.

What am I a fucking loser?

Yeah.

That doesn't want to get high?

I saw that.

And actually, you'd be a loser if you did want to get high in the world of this ad read.

I saw this.

anti-drug commercial the other day.

I think it was

Harry Styles.

Oh, wow.

He said CBD, or THC is actually gay.

And he would know he wears a dress.

And he's actually, yeah, he knows.

He dabbles.

Even though he fucked

Sudakis.

Oh, that's nice.

He cucked Coach.

Which is fucked up.

You know what?

That's what did it.

Sudakis was the fucking man until he became a gay, like a bitch ass.

A bitch coach.

Sudekis.

Anyway, but you know what?

No, I'll take that back.

Apologies to everyone we're doing.

And I'll say this.

Fuck Harry Styles.

Yeah, fuck him.

You don't fuck Sudakis' bitch like that.

No, you don't.

Not on my watch.

Not on my watch.

So if I see you, Harry Styles, it's on sight.

I'm going to take a fucking beautiful pre-roll from Cushy Dreams.

I'm going to smoke it, and then I'm going to put it out on your fucking eyes like it's a cigarette.

Like you're in a fucking white trash child, and I'm your fucking dad that's still mad about getting cut from varsity.

Yeah.

And I'm taking it out on you.

But instead of it being Paul Malls, I'm doing it with a pre-roll from Cushy Dreams, Harry Styles.

That's right.

And you could have gone Division one.

I could have gone division one if Coach didn't have it out for me.

If that fucking

fucking you-know-what coach, and I'm doing the thing where I'm, you guys can't see it, but

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Anyway, it's grown in California and Oregon.

The character, by the way.

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I am just...

I'm just threatening Harry Styles.

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Stole from Family Guy.

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You know what Family Guy really is?

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go on and do that.

What are you looking at, Family Guy next?

No, comments on video.

A guy who

I just noticed that he woke up out of a coma that he was in for 10 years, and I'm telling him he's missed 10 years of his life, and it's him crying and stuff.

Oh, wow.

Fucking loser.

Yeah, I mean, that seems pretty sad, but

the nail trailer.

Yeah, let's run that back.

Let's just run that back one more time.

Oh, yeah.

Nail two.

Nail two.

I'm horny again.

Looking for another retard.

Trying to fuck again.

Nail's not in the movie.

Fuck it all.

Liam Neeson.

Nail two.

Hoping there's another feral woman he can fuck.

Just Liam Neeson looking up at

some secluded island somewhere.

And there's just like some pygmy woman coming out of the woods with her breasts out, and he just smiles.

Yeah.

In a forgotten land.

And he just throws it far away.

He's got a fishing hook, he puts a sandwich on it, he just tosses it out.

Tries to get her to fucking bite.

20th century fox presents a story of getting pussy.

Can you say penis?

He's just holding his dick in the native woman's face.

Penis.

Can you say it?

This is how we communicate.

He's just rubbing it on her face.

This means hello.

Oh, fuck.

Is it just him?

Yeah.

He's just on the island by himself.

Yeah, he's going to.

He's got, yeah.

Does he have a gun probably?

He's got like a Palm Beach cruiser behind him.

Some 40-foot yacht.

This is the Irish goodbye on

Newark, New Jersey.

Yeah, you just come back to that island three years later and saw a bunch of half-Irish shit.

Yeah,

he's at like a deaf school in Martha's Vineyard.

He's gone 90 miles from Maine.

He's just landed.

He's snuck in the

just fucking police chasing a nude Liam Neeson.

Is he like, is this in the shoreline?

He's just running to the shoreline.

Yeah, hurry, we have to get to international law.

I have to get back to America

before they can extradite me to wherever this is.

Like, this is Massachusetts.

Massachusetts State Police.

You're on Long Island.

You took your boat from New Jersey to Long Island.

This is a Guatemalan immigrant.

She's speaking Spanish.

These savages need me.

Just at Jones Beach.

I thought she was a retard.

I thought it was in a retarded jungle.

We're filming no tears.

It's kind of a passion project for me.

Just him giving an interview.

I'm putting up the money myself.

And we're using real people factors.

We're shooting there's a bunch more gorilla style.

Sex is real.

I just watched Brown Bunny for the first time.

And I thought, if Vincent Gallo can get head on camera, maybe I can fucking retard on camera too.

It's so funny to imagine him raping people.

I don't know why him in particular.

Just him.

It's well, it's a movie.

You don't get it.

I'm not helping you.

It's not raping.

It's a movie.

I guess you don't know about cinema.

Well, let me ask you this.

What if I told you it was for science?

Somehow

that we're going to find out that a scientist was doing this, that he made me do it to collect data.

The detective's like, well, did that happen?

Maybe.

I'm going to need to cut a deal first before I say anything else.

Why don't you tell me a secret first?

Okay, well, I framed nine Muslim guys

for 9-11 sequels.

That's pretty good.

That sounds awful.

It's a shame.

There's literally nothing anyone can do about it.

And there never will be any accountability.

That's right.

So we're even then, right?

I mean, I fucked a couple retards.

Not only will there never be any

accountability.

In literally a year's time, everyone will love me because I arrested some guy with a tiki torch at the camera,

who was also a retard, by the way, that I put up to it.

A different kind of retard.

So you'd say we both like fucking retards in the ass.

I guess

we're not going to be able to do that.

We're not so different, you and I.

Liam Neeson exonerated.

Oh, Icy.

Icy's here.

Damn.

What's up, girl?

Damn, we took the collar off her?

Icy walked all the way from New York.

Damn, dude, Icy hasn't been on the podcast for years.

Dogs always look better without a collar.

They look cute.

They look naked.

Hi.

It is weird how much that changes the dog's appearance, though.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She looks more like an animal.

She got the titties out.

She's topless.

She's such a dumb bitch.

The dog?

What's up with the mice in your apartment?

Are they gone?

I don't know.

Is that going on while we're going to just left that?

Perfect timing to leave.

Leave my apartment?

Yeah, you're going to get back and it's going to.

It's either be fixed.

Yeah.

Or it's going to be like cheese palaces.

There's going to be like literally Chuck E.

Cheese will be in your apartment.

Yeah.

And electronic band.

They'll evolve to be huge.

You should call your landlord.

I have plenty of times.

What do you say?

First of all, don't assume it's a he.

Yeah.

Okay.

Is it a he?

No, it's a bad.

I I think her dad actually is.

You know, there's a lot of Australian languages in New York City.

Really?

Yeah.

What the fuck?

Yeah.

Fuck them.

We should take it back.

How dare they?

Yeah.

That's our shit.

Yeah.

Is it because I know it's probably bad to call like I and that son, like it's sort of the.

On Australians, though, you're good.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

If it's like a white person.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

If I get some Australian's visa taken away, get their building?

Yeah, is that xenophobic?

No, not Australians.

Yeah, I want to send ICE to

shut down.

What the hell?

It's weird that xenophobic doesn't mean like homophobic, but for lesbians.

Yeah, that sounds like it.

Yeah.

That's true.

For warrior princesses.

Yeah.

Hello, Isis.

Do you want to bark on the fucking show?

Come here.

Isis.

Come here.

She looks happy.

She does look happy.

It's because she has she's nude.

Yeah, she's naked.

She's fucking butt-ass naked.

Nice one, Icy.

That's cool.

You got a good one, Auntie.

We got to dress her up for Halloween tonight.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it's December.

She's getting old butterfly wings.

It's also Halloween tomorrow.

Halloween, December.

I want to put a bell on her so she could be a cow.

She does look like a cow.

She looks like a cow.

She's got a cow.

Especially without the collar.

You can see the demarcation between her different.

shoes.

I don't want her to fuck out.

Yeah, don't ruin the episode, Isis.

In fact, let's just end it now.

Well, hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

We don't want to.

Okay, I mean, I guess just this one time.

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