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We could come by tomorrow night if you guys were jiggy.
Yeah, fuck it.
Tomorrow night would be great.
Yeah.
Okay.
Make a dinner or something?
Where are you going?
New Hampshire?
Yeah, New London, New Hampshire.
We got to pick up a guy's stuff.
When are you coming back?
Tomorrow night.
Oh, tomorrow.
So we can come through tomorrow night.
Oh, yeah, fuck you.
I mean,
we could get a hotel room on the company dime, but you could also crash it at the place.
Yeah, we have a spare room with two twins.
Oh, that's sick.
Yeah, we'd love to.
Yeah, we booked a place that has four bedrooms so pals can come visit.
Ian's
coming up?
My is coming this weekend, I think.
Sick.
Yeah.
Whose car are you guys taking?
Two separate cars.
Shit.
Yeah.
Are you going to drive your car, Nick?
Yeah.
You started this.
Oh, my gosh.
I'm eating chips.
That's awesome.
Oh, God, what?
Nothing.
What are you upset about?
No, nothing.
What did you say?
Why are you upset?
Nothing.
What are you upset about, man?
I didn't say anything.
What's going on?
You're worried about your carbon footprint.
Yeah,
they know we're all driving separate cars to the same car.
The come town carbon footprint.
Adam, climate change freely.
It's a fucking jet-set, hypocritical millionaire.
Wait, do you want to take your car?
Do you want to?
I'm going to drive both of my cars up there.
I'm going to drive one car 15 feet, leave it running, get out, get me out of here.
Are you taking that 15 feet?
Are you taking the Volvo?
Stop trying to.
Now you're trying to dox my cars so people can.
I'm not trying to dox anything.
You should rent just a box truck.
Andy's on the show, Andy Haynes, everywhere.
Yeah.
The god.
Thank you.
The god.
Andy, the fucking god.
The god.
Andy.
It's funny to
apply that to yourself.
Very.
I want to be T-Bone.
Costanza.
So, yeah, if we're doxing people's cars,
Nick's driving his car.
The Oscar Meyer-Riener mobile.
Adam is driving the gay sex mobile.
Wait, you wear a We live 10 minutes away from each other.
We should drive together.
I actually, I'm driving a
stretch
H2 Hummer.
It's got a patio on the back.
That's awesome.
I actually stole it from the back.
There's a bunch of bells and shit decaled on the back.
It says, Just busted.
Yes.
But also, it's dedicated to my friend
Nico Rivera that was killed at a Yankees game
by the actual Hummer.
He got ran over by his own husband.
Dude, I was driving around the other day.
That's a beautiful tribute, by the way, Andy.
Listening to WFAN, the fan, like local sports talk radio.
And they were like,
you know what the reads are for this episode?
Remember that was episode 3.
You said it earlier.
Remember, I said set the papers aside, and you said, I got it.
I'll remember.
What the fuck?
Do you remember?
Hold on.
Andy, let's see if he remembers.
Don't fucking don't.
We're not going to give you a hint.
You're not getting hints.
You have to guess on Mike.
Bluetooth and Cushy Dreams.
Good job.
Really?
Good job.
Yeah.
That's all.
Okay.
I'm proud.
Hey, Nick's Matt, I'm proud of you.
Yeah.
But they were having like
if I read your guys'
ad reads this month, can I have revenue?
No.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
You can have a Cushy Dreams pre-roll, though.
Well, that has to be.
You get paid the guess rate for the show, which is $12.75.
CBD, dude.
We pay minimum wage at $15 an hour.
Cool, cool.
Now they were job creators.
I'm still making minimum wage six years in.
Yeah.
You guys should get SBA loans for this.
We really should.
We really missed the boat in 2020, the free government money that was really good.
We should have.
Everybody got that shit.
I didn't realize.
I didn't realize how easy it got it.
Yeah.
My dad, fucking dummy, got, they gave him 100K and he was like, I don't feel right.
And he gave it back.
Oh my god, what a retort.
It's all forgivable.
The Lakers did that too.
Yeah, well, our friend Dylan that did the show, he got one of those loans and then immediately put it into crypto in the stock market, made a shit ton of money
and bought a house.
What the fuck?
I'm so bad with money.
Yeah, and then he just killed himself last week.
Really?
Well, he died.
He was finished.
He did everything.
That's sick.
That's my goal.
With a smile on his face.
I hope he was jerking it when he did.
Yeah, he lost.
He was like, I'm going to make $100 million.
He did.
And then he lost 15 pounds and killed himself.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
What's right?
The hero's journey.
He had a wife.
He had a wife.
Well, that doesn't count.
Did he have a kid?
Well, he killed them both.
Yeah.
He crippled or cross-faced them to death.
Oh, yeah.
Anyway, I was listening to WFAN and these guys, these fucking Jamokes for like 20 minutes.
Their conversation was whether or not they think it's safe to wear a Yankee hat in Boston.
And they're like, you have to be out of your goddamn mind to walk around in Boston to go to Fenway wearing a Yankee hat.
That's why like boomers talk about like Brooklyn.
They think it's like any city.
They're like, you get, if you get downtown Brooklyn, you step out off the bus, gun in your face, rob the media.
My dad, when I moved to New York, was like, you better be careful.
It's like, we live in Baltimore.
Yeah.
A million times.
You brought me to the most dangerous city in America.
Yeah, when I've been doing The Road, that's so funny.
Because
old people do that.
Yeah.
When I was doing The Road this year, every time I'd go to some kind of vaguely conservative place, somebody would be like, so New York's a war zone.
And then it's like cut to me like having yogurt parfaits in a park.
That's like a Tucker thing, I think.
They're all talking about how the cities are violent now.
Yeah, the Whole Foods on 14th is an absolute war zone.
I've seen some crazy shit of that Whole Foods, though.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The upstairs was like a kind of like a Penn Station vibe.
Yeah.
A lot of junkies nodded off.
I saw a junkie
bought one of those
pomegranate things.
I don't know if he bought it.
It pairs well with fentanyl.
You're talking about the one in Union Square?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I've only been there to use a bathroom.
Yeah.
Well, the upstairs like food hall section, he was like waddling around, like almost falling, and he starts opening opening his palm, and he just dropped it, and that shit stained so bad, and he just dropped it all over a woman.
Oh, oh, my God.
He was holding a piece of shit.
No, he was holding a pomegranate juice.
Oh,
home.
I thought he was holding.
Dude, I just went to Salt Lake.
There were so many junkies in Salt Lake City.
Yeah,
SLC Punks.
Doing the, like, the fucking...
you know, they had like little tent cities.
They had little tent cities under the overpat, like freeways.
Yeah.
is booming it really was dude they were little tents there were those motherfuckers had uh bikes that'd be a cool bunch of bikes they're just riding around homeless as fuck i like how you say like it's like a novel they they actually had bicycles dude dude but it was like all these oldest people they had like parking for their bikes i went i walked from the hotel to target it was like a 30-minute walk on those big ass fucking also the streets are too big in Utah yeah they're gigantic it's like Denver all those like it's a crazy you look at the grid and you're like oh it's a block away And a block is like.
But you know what the grid is based on?
It's all off of the temple in the middle of the city.
Yeah.
So every street is numbered according to where it is in relation to the temple.
Did you go to the temple and charge up?
I did.
That's it.
I got, yeah.
I put the underwear on, but I cut a dick hole in.
Yes, just so you can get some fucking Mormon pussy.
I'm going to move to Salt Lake City.
It sucks, dude.
I'm going to fucking bad.
I'm going to open up like a liberal version of the death metal coffee or whatever.
What's the
black rifle coffee?
Open liberal black rifle coffee.
Yeah, they're from YouTube.
Black penis coffee.
Yeah, exactly.
It's just
awesome, sexy black guys.
Everyone that works here is a veteran fag.
They've all had his gay sex.
They've been blasted in their ass by a black man.
They've all survived being fucked viciously.
Just like a guy in a wheelchair, his barber body's all buffed.
He's like, I blew my back out and fucking.
Well, not a rack, but
in Shirack.
What's that gay bar in LA?
All of them?
No, the one that
shows that.
Adam.
KGB.
Come on, everybody.
Yeah, it's like right on sunset.
Why the fuck can't I think of it right now?
It's like the most famous gay bar in LA.
Anyways, it doesn't matter.
Largo?
UCB.
I said it because it sounds like Iraq almost.
Oh, oh, oh.
I don't remember.
Baghdad?
Nah, it's over.
I fucked it up.
You fucking idiot.
Dude, get off the shit.
Andy, you're a fucking piece of shit, dude.
But anyways, where were we?
Homo coffee.
Yeah, we're getting a cocktail.
Homo coffee.
You got to have a shit.
That's what you call a swish.
When I enlisted in being gay,
it was the proudest I'd ever been.
Didn't one of the SEAL Team 6s that killed Bin Laden?
Half of them are fucking.
Half of them are trans.
Half of them them are like.
Yeah, they're all like, we're all, I'm trans.
No, I killed Bin Laden and now I'm a fucking lady.
Yeah, I got problem with it.
Exactly.
That's sick.
Dude, I wish Chappelle would have covered that.
Yeah.
We need his take on that.
He needs to go after SEAL Team Six.
That would be fun.
Did he watch the special?
I watched like the first half.
I didn't get to the part where he said all the stuff that everybody's upset about.
I didn't watch it, but wasn't the point he was making that like
black people are also minorities and that they like minorities should all realize.
None of us watch it.
No one watches it.
Nobody Nobody gives a shit.
But that's what's funny about comedy specials.
They're all controversial like this because it probably was five minutes of the thing and then the rest of it's like what the hell happened with hot pockets?
Yeah.
No, he did have some funny jokes in there.
I'm sure he did.
He's Dave Chappelle.
Yeah, he's Dave Chappelle.
I actually, I thought of the same premise as the premise.
Fuck trans people.
Yeah, I was like, yeah, I thought of that part of that too.
I was.
He's like, yeah, you're telling me you chop your cock up and into a pussy and that's normal.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That was a good idea.
I'm supposed to let my kids see you?
Why don't you put a diaper on and piss in your pants, you fucking freak?
The fuck do you need to use a bathroom for?
I'm sure that'll make you come.
Kill two birds or one stone.
You were killing doing that at Funny Moms.
Yeah.
I was like, you're going to bring your Frankenstein pussy into the kids' room.
It's alive.
Better not be around me, pal.
I'll tie you to a fence.
No, I actually, i got in this conversation with somebody and it's very offensive so obviously your fans will love it yeah was that no one listens to the show anymore yeah trans people this is chappelle's thing that was really controversial was that trans women are like doing a caricature of a woman
and so it's like the equivalent of blackface for women oh really and i i don't I don't know, like, it's obviously very offensive.
I know that, like, people are pissed about it, but I also don't know why why people can be like, I'm a woman, and then they just are like a
like a character, like what they think a woman is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Does they all get cool names?
They all get to be Esmeralda.
That's because actual women or cis women don't know what the fuck they're doing either.
They're bad at everything.
They're women.
Yeah, I think in some ways, a man being bad at being a woman is more woman-like.
Are they
than if they killed it?
You know, I mean, trans women are the actual purest form.
I told them that story.
I knew a guy that transitioned, but but it was like clear.
It seemed like he only transitioned because he heard that that was a thing that was going on.
Yeah.
And he was like, oh, I guess I'm.
And he did.
He was doing it.
My friend told me, I was second in, he was doing like, he was doing like Girls' Night, where there would be one night out of the week.
He would be a girl and he'd invite people over.
But these are people that have known him for 15 years.
He'd be like, can somebody help me with the TV?
It's like, it's your TV.
And he would just say, yeah, pretend to be like fucking helpless
or whatever.
And this is a guy with like facial tattoos.
Yeah, he's like, I don't know how to log on.
I'm in my FTP to buy guns.
Yeah, basically.
We're like, this is offensive.
We're just doing a rude impression.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I want to meet a trans woman that just transitions to a woman, but then is the biggest butch dyke in the world.
Yeah, that would be cool.
She's like, what's up?
I work on bikes.
Because you really don't see that.
You're more manly than you were when you were a man.
The Navy SEAL guys are close to that, but then they're just, they all look like, you know, they'll get like, they dress like Hillary Clinton.
They'll have like like pearls and stuff.
That'd be sick if one of the Navy SEAL guys was trans while he killed Osama Ben Lab.
That's how they said Obama.
Yeah, that's a wishful thing.
Michelle's deep cover.
He honeypotted.
Yeah, that would be fucking awesome.
Poor Osama, dude, he thought he won.
He was in his little mansion.
He was jacking off the porn.
That was the best detail that he jacked off.
From like a Dell Optiplex.
Yeah.
I love that Chris pratt killed him in that movie yeah yeah i love operators yeah yeah i think we blew have you guys ever had an operator on here smoothly haven't that's a trans operator
some special forces guy emailed me and was like yeah my brother's is like delta force and
he wanted to know if you could give him a shout out on the show and then i just sort of closed the email tell him tell him you don't care unless he's trans yeah yeah sorry we don't but a trans operator is a pretty good cover
cover Trans operator.
I don't remember how the rest of smooth operators.
They're a trans operator.
I don't remember how the rest of Smooth Operator.
Trans Operator.
Is that Sade?
Yeah, put it on.
I was listening to Sade in the car like a month ago, and I saw a black guy wearing...
wearing like his it was a gay black guy nice so you know the cutting edge of fashion of course if he was british the world
his jeans were ripped but entirely He had removed the knee section.
So there was the calf of the jean and then the legs.
No, there's where they held.
They were just held on by because how tight they were.
That's true.
So he's wearing like, he would put the top on and then put the sleeves on.
Yeah, fucking rule.
There's a brand that makes those pants.
Shut up, Adam.
Oh, you know about it.
Hood by air.
Oh, I know.
I already know.
Hood by air makes those pants.
Who does?
Hood by air?
You know, if I had a gun right now, I'd shoot you right in the fucking eyes.
Well, I'm glad that we're in New York City, and that's incredibly illegal here.
Well, my 3D printer shows up.
If I had a gun right now, I'd shoot a bird.
If I had a gun right now, I'd shoot a female director of photography.
Wow.
Too soon, Adam.
Sorry.
Damn, I wonder how drunk Alec Baldwin is right now.
Oh, yeah.
So drunk.
There's a picture of him with her.
Her husband and child.
It turns out the person on the set responsible for making sure the guns didn't have real bullets in them is
also a woman.
Also a woman.
Whoa.
So it's her her.
You look at the whole story and it's like, can somebody explain to me what actually went wrong here?
I mean,
they had a table full of guns.
Oh, yeah, why I'm supposed to be upset about this because it sounds like we're right back to where we started here, that women don't really,
you know, they're bad at everything.
She was like, this gun's empty.
Wait a second.
I don't feel like I have the space to speak up.
If only Alec Bolton hadn't talked over her in a meeting, then
that other lady would be alive right now.
Yeah, she was holding space.
So, women being a dumb bitch led to the murder of an innocent person.
Yeah.
What else was it?
No, it's pretty tragic.
I didn't listen to it, but apparently, it was like some 22-year-old girl was like the armorer on set.
She was fired from her.
It was her first job.
No, the AD did.
Oh, okay.
The AD got fired because there was another thing where, yeah, like a gun hurt.
I don't know if it was live ammunition, though, or like the gun going off, like, spooked somebody and they fell over.
Is that normal to have live ammunition on?
It can't be.
It can't be.
I think I saw some shit where it was like they also had to get
like a, like the crew wasn't union or some shit.
So it was like, there's a ton of shit that people walked off.
They were like cutting hella corners.
Yeah, yeah.
So, I mean, yeah, this shit is fucking nice.
Yeah, I don't think that's.
I haven't looked into it, but I don't understand how live ammunition even ends up on the set.
I thought it was a fucking blank.
No.
You can't, well, a blank is like.
A blank, you would have to, I think it would have to hit you like this close.
Yeah, all a blank is the bullet's got gunpowder in the
cartridge, and then the bullet part on the top is like that's propelled by the gunpowder.
The blank, I'm pretty sure it's just like it's paper or something that holds the gunpowder.
But it could fuck you up at like
a colour.
Yeah, but just because it's like the force of the air or whatever, but you know, it's not, I don't think he like held the gun to her head and shot her with the blank.
I hope not.
The accident happened.
He had the gun at her head.
Everybody was like, Alec, put it down.
Look at me, I'm Donald Trump.
I'm Donald Trump.
I'm Donald Trump.
This is what Donald Trump is doing.
No, No, that's the best part of the whole thing is that he was doing a bit.
It was like between takes.
Yeah.
He's like, you want to do another fucking take?
Yeah.
No.
He's just really?
He's like, look, it's my fucking dick.
Wait, seriously?
It was a joke?
Yeah.
He was doing a bit.
Do you think Hilaria is speaking in her Spanish accent or her American accent to console him?
Alec, Alec, que pasa.
You so crazy.
She's just a white bitch from Long Island or some shit, right?
Yeah, but she's like got Spanish ancestors.
So all of a sudden she was like, meamo ilaria.
That's so fucking awesome.
Wait, can we back up a second?
No.
I think that the Chappelle bit could, if seen in a different way, potentially just be a pro-blackface bit, right?
So he's saying if we're going to allow this, we should allow blackface also.
Well, I think that there was a, wasn't there like a legitimate argument around when trans was like a huge thing when
caitlin jenner yeah and then they did dolezahall said or somebody said they were transracial and there was people that were legitimately going like oh okay well if we're gonna let them do that we should yeah literally the only reason that's not valid is because it didn't like originate on some dumbass college campus yeah if rachel dolezahl was 20 years old and like fucking fat and going to overland she had a
then we would have a serious we would have to have a serious well don't you think these people if they if they could have they would have done all those women you're describing would try and be a different race?
No, because the window for that was the early 90s.
But
isn't race just as much of a social construct as gender?
That's what they're saying.
And it's our job as comedians to answer these questions on podcasts.
It's our job to
walk comics or walk America back from the ledge.
That's what Chappelle said at the
Jumper plays
throughout the special.
What's that?
That's why Jumper by Third Eye Blind plays throughout the special.
Oh, wait, no, that's not.
Step back from that list.
I'll be there for you.
That was when you clapped off up.
It would be great if the Transobeg Special had come from David Schwimmer for some reason.
He was nowhere to be seen that he released a Netflix special.
That's like, you're not a girl.
You still have a dick.
And then people are like, David.
Yeah.
Go back to wherever you were.
Dude, when I was like, I don't know, this is like probably like eight years ago.
Actually, you guys were probably still in D.C.
I opened for Dave Foley at Draft House, and it was like him.
I think I was literally there.
Yeah, he was doing stand-up.
I remember, I did the open mic that night.
I got a call from Singapore.
Okay, cool.
It's probably the Sultan.
Pick it up.
I'm hearing about Dave Foley.
Pick it up.
Pick it up.
From our dear friend.
Hello.
You're taking Chinese phone calls.
Hello.
Nihal?
Answer, Coward.
Hi, my name is Chris from U.S.
Auto Care.
How are you doing today?
No, you're not.
You're from Singapore.
All right, that's enough of that, Coward.
No, okay, so but Dave Foley is like doing this.
Like, he has to do comedy because he is alimony so fucked up or whatever.
Hold that thought, Adam.
Hit him with the
which one first?
God damn it.
Well, I'll just say
he had a closer that was just
like.
Oh, yeah, he had to keep working because he had a terrible divorce settlement, right?
His divorce settlement was when he was on news radio.
Oh, no.
And then the show got canceled.
No, dude.
That bitch finessed him.
But his closer when he was doing stand-up, because he'd never done stand-up, was just like, he said the N-word.
What?
40 times.
Dave Foley?
Yeah, in four minutes.
He said the N word.
He was not there that night.
That's awesome.
40 times.
He was like, why can't I say it if you can't say it?
It was just like, what?
It was so insane.
Kramer, he did that pose Kramer, too.
Yeah, yeah, it was like,
I think he watched a Louis.
It's funny because it's like all these old dinosaur comedians that have no problem shitting all over anybody that gets in trouble now.
Like, we're all that.
They all had that mentality.
Right.
Right, right.
You know, like Patton or whatever, certainly like Sarah Silverman.
They were all just that person until 18 months ago.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then.
Yeah, and then if you make a big like public apology and fucking, you know, self-flagellate, you can't get it.
As long as you're already in.
Right.
And then the process of cancellation becomes this like calcifying or hardening thing that solidifies your position forever.
And then you become an authority in which you get to determine when people are actually contriterous.
Right, right, right.
That's what happened with Megan Amram.
It's like they went for Megan Amram, and it's like, you know, she's already made.
So the children's.
So
she got, yeah, she got in trouble for making fun of Asians, and then she apologized, and then other rich white women accepted her apology.
And now she gets to decide
who needs it.
When they fucking say sorry.
If they apologized enough.
Yeah, I think we should all come together to accept that rich white women are the problem.
Yeah, thank you.
About fucking time.
Do you ever do that at home with the wife?
She's right, but you just say like, I will say that, but
Megan deserves not to have anything happen for that because she's good at her job.
That's the only thing that fucking matters
unlike my wife.
Yeah.
Unlike that, did your wife get your wife canceled?
No, no.
My wife can't get canceled.
Her
grandfather's in the end.
Her grandfather would just have the NSA just act
a gas leak would happen to the canceller.
That's awesome.
Yeah, that's sick, dude.
I married into some real badass shit.
How much fucking SA?
I went skeet shooting with my father-in-law.
It was fucking badass.
Rosebud actually.
I just imagine them all as like the dad from Fargo.
Yeah, a little bit.
I'd say it's halfway.
It's like Fargo family and then kind of a mix with succession.
There's some real
like there's one sister that the dad doesn't get along with.
Adam was dumped by one of the
stars.
One of the stars is
the kind of thick one?
Cheated on and dumped him.
No, Cousin Greg.
Oh, yeah.
Cousin Greg used to fuck Adam's ass.
We had a whirlwind.
He probably hasn't.
Wait, I think I know who it is.
Who is it?
Is it Princess Summerfall?
Yes.
Yeah, dude, she's a babe.
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Also, you'll come like a Dunkaroos dipper container.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm a big shooter.
I like to live a little square low.
You're not a big shooter.
I have an ice cube that comes out.
That's awesome.
Hit him with the Super Mario, bitch.
Boop.
When you guys were in the block for your bing, bink,
bink, bink, bink, bink.
When you guys were in the bodega.
I took a pee, and I think I do legitimately think my penis got smaller.
I'm having a small day.
Just today?
Just today.
Well, it's winter, you fucking dumbass.
I don't know.
It looks small.
It gets cold and your dick is.
You want me to breathe?
The high holidays are over.
Oh, yeah.
The high holidays.
Dude, last year, so I got like ripped.
I got like super lean last year.
I remember disgusting.
And I was also taking cold showers.
I cranked it.
I was taking cold showers all the time.
And when it hit winter and it was ice cold, take a 10-minute cold shower, and it just fucking evaporates your dick.
I'm like looking like a statue.
When you guys jerk off, do your balls ever go up into your groin?
No, that used to happen.
I don't know what that is.
I think that's supposed to happen.
I've never seen it.
Now, all my systems, they stop working.
When I bust, my balls are.
You know, you're not supposed to be able to pee with your dick hard?
No.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got a vast difference.
Yeah, but you got to like learn.
You'd learn how to do that.
Now I can piss hard.
I comb when I shit sometimes.
Sometimes Sometimes it's like I
come about the bus and I piss all over the place.
It's like all the different
systems, they don't.
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Do you need help getting your dick hard, Andrew?
Nah, man.
You're a lean guy.
You're in good shape.
I just think about injustice.
Your dick gets hard?
My dick dick gets hard.
I'm thinking about fighting injustice.
As soon as my dick starts to get hard, I think her name was Sandra Bland.
It goes back then.
That's why I don't come fast.
I think about victims in police particularly.
Freddy Gray.
I have all the names
out of my thoughts.
Yeah, you're saying them out loud.
Yeah.
It'd be great to just paint a giant mural of a man's legs, gynecologist style, wide open, and the names of all the victims, and the dick is soft.
And you put that just like in a city wall somewhere.
And then people are like, what the fuck is this?
They're like,
he thinks that he can't get his dick hard
because of the names.
You can't see it, but a hot woman is off-mural.
Because a lot of murals are really taking chances.
That one in like Bushwick of the street harassment.
Bushwick has like tourist mural tours.
Yeah.
Jefferson.
Bush's head is so fucking gay.
That's where I have to pick up trucks, and there's always like a group of like Italians being like, Ah, una pintura.
Really?
Yeah.
That kind of thing.
And
there's also a ton of guys shooting music videos in front of those bars.
That's awesome.
Yeah, when we were looking for a studio to do this show in, I looked at a place in Bushwick that was basically like a puppy mill for rap videos.
There's just every other room in there was a guy like millions of dollars for, you know, just like whatever garbage.
Just smoking
badly.
I got stacks, stacks on stacks.
Have you guys noticed this that people are just selling weed on this, like
my Bo Dega is selling weed right now?
Like, when you walk through Washington Square Park, there's just tables of weed.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's crazy.
It's pretty cool.
It's like,
yeah, I don't, I don't, I'll never know what the law is.
I'm going to get back into being a weed comic.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
I'm going to be
Doug Benson 2.0.
I heard Doug Benson tried weed when he was 58 years old.
Yeah,
Doug Benson is 73 or something like that.
He's only been smoking weed for about six years.
That's funny.
Now it's really made a career.
What a fucking loser.
He's also only seen about 30 movies.
Yeah.
All he's seen is Scott Pilgrim.
Yeah, he's got an earpiece in when he does those games.
Yeah, he's fake.
He's a fake.
I've toured with him.
I know he's a fake.
He's not even a fake.
Mandy, you want to tell us about
your surgery?
Your surgery.
Oh, yeah.
You guys want to know about hair transplants?
Yeah, maybe Sav.
Did you get the one where they cut the back of your head?
They don't do that anymore.
That's like the old style where they just cut a strip out and then they like take it.
It doesn't make sense that they would even do that anymore.
I was going to go to Turkey because it's like 2K to get top of the line there.
They actually have robots that do it.
Wow.
But my wife was like, my grandpa can't get you out of Turkey right now.
It would be funny to get kidnapped by ISIS trying to get hair plug.
I was, the whole time I was laughing, thinking, like, while they were like anesthetizing me, I was thinking about how funny it would be to die from complications of hair transmission.
This is a video of a guy with a fucking machete to your neck, and you're like, you know, I pledge allegiance with that.
America is a devil country.
He's like hiding your hair.
I'm a bandage.
Yeah.
You're just wearing a beanie.
You can cut my head off.
I just don't want on the video.
The lighting is going to harsh out here in the fucking desert.
You know, give me a hat.
Hold hostage is the worst hostage.
We can admit that.
No, we can't.
Because there's nowhere to hold the head.
Yeah, exactly.
That's true.
After you chop it off.
That's true.
Yeah, I'm like, when you guys chop my head off and you pick it up by the hair, could you please put the fibers in?
Stop, have you had a consultation?
I don't need it.
I have beautiful hair.
But, like, would you ever consider it?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Stop can't go to Turkey, though, because
it's a blood blood feud
the Anatolian if they see my they name they'll see my name they'll fuck my plugs up yeah they'll fuck my hair I would love to be the doctor that sabotages your hair transplants just start start his hairline like an inch over his eyebrows
that would look great like mid-forehead
just make him look like an absolute retoot
people go to turkey for the hair and then they go to like colombia for like just massive teeth people come back yeah they get like they get fucking
I'm getting to Gary Busey dude I'm getting the EGE Carroll down there in Columbia yeah they have these dentists where like they do like a full package
yeah you come back
you come back you have these giant chompers they never look good I they a bunch of these like Colombian uh these surgical dentists whatever have Instagrams and uh
and you can like see their work.
What's that?
Your cat?
Oh, no, I think it's him.
Stop's hand.
That was awesome.
I was bored by your story.
Yeah, I was feeling it.
You derailed.
We were having a fun riff about ISIS prisoners.
And you were like, oh, I know this thing about Columbia.
They get happy.
They get teeth surgery.
So how'd the plug feeling, brother?
It was chill.
I mean, it's weird because you.
It's looking nice, dude.
It's starting to work.
They take one by one.
So basically,
truth be told, I mean, I've forgotten that that he had told me that you got bald.
Yeah, it's starting to grow in.
But I also don't remember you being bald.
No, it was like more of a bad thing.
There was one pick on IG like right after you got married.
Yeah.
Where I was like, Andy's, he got hitched.
Now you said fuck it.
Now he's coming out.
Yeah, he said, fuck it, I'm bald.
I like shaved my head during this horror.
This horror stuck with me.
And there was like a circle here, like that wasn't connected to the rest.
Oh, but it wasn't even full.
It was like a Rorschach kind of style.
That's tough.
And that's when I made the decision.
And I was actually on my way to Turkey, and Rosebud was like, we're going to
American.
We found a place in near Atlantic City, Cape May.
Hell yeah, dude.
The Turkey.
Was it literally because you were afraid you were going to get kidnapped by ISIS?
No,
I would literally go to Raqqa right now to get it if it was a deal.
I don't have that kind of money.
And so I was like, I was ready to go anywhere.
And then my wife was like,
her sister knew a person and that person.
But they're like, they make it seem like they're doctors.
They're all like cosmetic snake oil salespeople.
And they're cool.
I've started to find gray hairs, and I feel like my hair is all going to go gray at once.
Gray looks like Hampton pretty soon.
Hampton is grayish.
He's like salt and pepper.
He had the best transformation I ever saw, which I saw him, you know, he moved to LA when I moved to Austin.
Didn't see him for probably a year and a half.
And then I saw him again, and he had gotten as fat as like a 1700s French political political cartoon.
That was, I think it was like for one year, but for one year, he gained a hundred pounds.
Like a hundred pounds.
Yeah, it was an insane amount of pounds.
That's fucking wonderful.
And he did.
And it was like, it was funny because it was none of it was structural fat.
Yeah, right, because he gained it all fat.
He literally looked like he was in a fat suit.
It was all, but that's what I mean.
He looked like a dandy, like a foppish dandy.
It was all in his stomach.
That's so funny.
And he would walk around, you know, like the marquee
just with his like giant body.
I remember because I went out to L.A., and he was one of the first guys I hung out with, because
one of my only friends there.
And like, we were, I was, you know, we were talking about getting dinner or something.
He's like, yeah, you want to go to Taco Bell or something?
And I remember laughing because it seemed absurd.
Like, what do you mean?
We're sober.
Why would we go to a Taco Bell?
I think he was in a loveless relationship, and instead of having sex, he would go and eat like five hamburgers every night.
Oh, man.
I think it was Loveless.
I think they were.
sexless.
Oh sexless.
Okay.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I think he was eating his
coming.
I think he was just one of those guys.
He's just one of those guys that like his he just never learned how to eat and then he hit 24 and he couldn't just eat like shit anymore.
Yeah.
It fell apart.
And especially out in LA when you're trying to like that town sucks and there's nothing to do.
Sucks them hard.
There's nothing to do.
All you can do is eat and talk to other people who are trying to be famous.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, damn.
When is there going to be a mass shooting at an alt show?
Yeah.
I would love that, too.
Because they're really starting.
The alt people are starting to get angry, I feel.
Yeah.
Like, they realize comedy sucks and it's worthless.
But they're also not good at it, so they can't use it as an escape from itself.
Yeah.
No,
I'd love.
I feel like all those guys are just getting jobs.
They're too gay to do it.
Yeah,
they'll all be fine.
Well, everyone will be fine.
That's how life works.
But I'm with you with the shooting.
I think it's going to happen.
It is.
It's going to be some guy who couldn't get on hot tub.
Yeah.
That's it.
It's going to be.
It's going to be some psychopath open-minded
shawl.
Yeah.
Who couldn't get on hot tub?
Yeah.
He's going to fucking
go below.
But the whole time, like, somebody's going to try to be stopping him in a very PC kind of way.
Yeah, yeah.
Sir, please respect.
And he's going to be like,
respect the boundaries.
I'm setting a boundary now.
Don't shoot me.
He's like, got a gun to someone's head and they're like, please, can you social distance a little bit?
Yeah, yeah, but put a mask on, sir.
Where's your vaccine card?
They're just going to have a gun and they're going to be asking him to put a mask on.
There's a bullet in my liver, but I want to deprioritize my pain as a white man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Take up space.
BIPOC people to the front of the line.
That would be the greatest.
If somebody is dying and they're like, go take care of POC.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think I saw a black woman who stubbed her toe running away from the gunfire.
Get her first.
To the EMT.
Oh, man.
And then they all hold the greatest visual ever.
Are you living?
You're living in New York or L.A.?
I live here.
I have never gone back to L.A.
other than like, I went back for pilot season two years ago.
During quarantine, though, did you guys leave?
Or you just left bed stuff?
We were out there because Rosie was shooting a show
and then quarantine hit.
We were just kind of stuck.
And it sucked.
Oh, quarantine in LA seems so.
I mean, I was walking down the street in Echo Park.
This is like
March, April of 2020.
And I was walking like a block away from a woman.
And she yelled, put a mask on.
Insane.
A block.
A city block.
She was like, could you please put a mask on?
Insane.
Yeah, that's what was worse.
It should have been better because of all the nature.
But they were also, they were even gayer about it than people.
It truly
coughing.
It makes me hope that the vaccines just fucking really fuck people up.
Dude, I take my third shot.
That's what it has to be.
There has to be some kind of breaking point.
I feel like
what I want is shots one through three, you're fine.
Maybe you get a little bit fucked up from three.
Maybe it takes 10 years off your life.
But if you're one of these, you need all five shots, motherfuckers, because that's coming.
If you're not jumping off the train at five shots or whatever, something like that,
then you deserve.
Like, I hope the vaccines give you AIDS.
I mean, we'll probably have to get a booster every year.
I hope they start to have fentanyl.
I think every six months.
Yeah.
Fentanyl?
Yeah, that would be nice.
No, not every six months.
That's what I'm saying.
It's going to have to be like, what do you mean, you heard it?
From where?
Fauci.
You have to get your Tyler Fisher's Fauci impression.
Dude, he's.
My man is going off on that.
My man found his little lane.
He found his little lane, and he was like, you know what?
Now I believe this.
It's a good impression.
It's a good impression.
No, but he got like
he's like in a Gina Correo video movie now.
It's really funny.
Yeah, he's in a movie.
Comedy really, it just shows you comedians like, just whatever.
I remember when he moved to New York, he had a blog, and it was like, follow my journey to SNL.
It was like, it was like very hopeful.
Yeah, yeah.
He's like, I'm an impressions guy, and like, I'm going to work my ass off.
He's a good impressions.
Yeah, no, he's.
I mean, I fuck with that dude, but it is funny that every post is like now he fully every single post.
I love it.
Yeah, but now Fauci, he was having sex with dogs, wasn't he?
That's true.
That's how he came up with
COVID.
He was fucking Clifford.
That wasn't a medical thing.
That was an Italian thing.
Yeah.
You can fuck a bigger red dog.
Because
his clan actually has that on their crest.
Yeah.
A man fucking a dog.
That's awesome.
Have you been in the room with any war criminals, Andy?
No.
But I actually, like,
I
was with my father-in-law, and he's like, I ran into George the other day in Gasparillo.
Oh, hilarious.
And I was like, George W.
Bush.
Yeah, they just, like, were at a hotel, and then they just, like, walked into the.
You know what I'm trying to chill?
Honestly, a night with G-W.
My mother-in-law taught George W.
Bush.
You'd be crazy if George W.
Yeah.
If George W.
Bush taught him what?
To paint.
To paint.
If George W.
Bush smoked Cushy Dreams, and Adam told us about it.
Oh, that
kind of guy that's loved.
So George W.
Bush famously, a sober guy when he found God when he was born again.
Stopped doing sniz, stopped drinking.
The W stands for
where to weed at.
It's at cushydreams.com.
Yep.
And specifically, fake weed.
So he gets by entirely now on this product called CushyDreams.com.
This is what George W.
Bush this is the shit that the president smoked he was smoking on that cushy pack I got the shit the government got
in Baghdad
CBD rich hemp flour aka bud and pre-roll joints join the group of adults and presidents who are sick of vapes and gummies and want to smoke their CBD Also, some prime ministers.
Yeah.
Abe.
Yeah.
Shinzo Abe.
Shinzo on that.
Shinzo's on that fucking cushion.
Now that he's on that CBD.
Now that he's retired, he just gets fucked up constantly.
He gets fucked up off a cushion.
He fucks around with a sword.
Yeah.
Gets off high and fucks around with a sword.
That's fucking sick.
He's like, I'm retired, bitch.
He's cutting his.
They keep on having to replace his paper walls.
It looks like high-quality marijuana.
It feels like high-quality marijuana.
And guess what?
It tastes like high-quality marijuana.
That's so fucking high.
CBD content is up to 20%, which is some of the highest in the game.
And the attention to detail is noticeable in every beautiful thing.
They got O'Dool's weed now?
They got weeds, brother.
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It's an alternative for people looking to cut back on smoking other things.
Sounds pretty gay.
Flower experts.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's gay guys.
That's how you know it's good.
That's yeah.
Yeah, they love flowers so much.
They've seen every rose and petunia and all that shit.
And then now they're looking at weed.
He loves me.
He loves me not.
It's a bit of a damage.
This shit is slow cured for two to four weeks, and every run is a small batch.
Like salmon.
Slow cured.
They got the
antidote to Down syndrome.
Here's the deal, folks.
They have two main product lines.
They have smokable CBD flour, which comes in a 3.5
can.
That's an eighth for you, players.
Eighth for you player haters out there.
And pre-roll CBD joints.
Andy, have you seen the Arkansas Department of Health vaccine PSA?
No.
They made this video to get people vaccinated, and it's just this guy leaning on a fucking
Caprice classic on like 24s and he's like look I'm out here in the streets I sell things I ain't got no choice but
I'm around people he's like I'm a true
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Marianne Cotillard.
Yeah.
They grow it in her pussy.
They grow the CBD in it.
She rips.
She's so hot.
Yeah.
Have you ever seen that movie Taxi?
Like the really old French one?
I don't think so.
So it's like from the 90s, and it's about a guy who's a taxi driver.
They remade it with like
Jimmy Fallon and
Queen Latifa.
Queen Latifa, yeah, yeah.
But the French one rocks, and you see a lot of Marianne Cotillard's boobs.
Well, I've definitely seen the screen caps then, if that's the case, because I have absolutely googled Marianne Cotillard bread.
It's sick, though.
It's so bad.
Marie Tard Code Retard.
Code Retard.
Marianne Coochie Tardard.
Marianne Code Retard.
Mountain Dew Code Retard.
I would love to drink.
Marianne Coochie Tard.
You got me to Mountain Dew Code Retard.
You say that at Angelica?
I want to see that new movie.
Excuse me.
Y'all got Mountain Dew Code Retard?
I heard some French bitch got her tits out of him.
Shy still here watching his movies.
I'm trying to kick his ass.
I bet I can kick his ass.
Where the fuck is that guy at?
I'm trying to kick his ass.
I respect him, but I want to see if I can beat that fucking boy's ass.
Yeah,
I'm trying to fuck him up and get him to give me the bitch from even Steven's number.
I'm trying to fuck that bitch, yeah.
I know he's seen her pussy.
Dude.
I went to the Steelers game the other day.
That's what everybody sounded like.
The Pussy Steelers.
The Pussy Steelers.
Pittsburgh Pussy Steelers.
Saw Ben out there.
How's he looking?
Ben is puffy.
Ben is puffy.
He's
big.
Good for good.
He's not getting his power.
But I'll tell you, Ben Steelers.
The hype is real about a Pramante Brothers.
Have you ever had that?
I haven't.
Oh, dude.
Regional.
Fucking rock.
They are sort of the turkey to Baltimore's Greece.
Yeah.
Pittsburgh.
So I have have regional
rivalry has stopped me from getting Pittsburgh.
Get a Peronti brothers.
Go to the West Virginia location so you're a neutral terrorist.
It'll have you saying yins in no time.
Yeah, you'll be.
No, it won't.
That's a dumb regional affect.
Yins?
Yins.
And they try to actually.
Gillis says yins.
Yeah, it's dumb.
And I should be canceled for that.
Yeah, cancel.
I'm going to tell people that yins means Koreans.
Jared Logan had a really funny joke about it because he's from that part of West Virginia.
And they don't say yins there.
They say yunes.
Yins.
And he goes, I'll give you an example of it in a sentence.
He goes, yunes want to go sit in that puddle we sit in?
Wow.
Yeah, dude.
That shit is fucking stupid.
I mean, in Baltimore, they say use.
Yeah.
Like, use guys.
Y'all really is perfect.
Y'all works better than anyone.
No one, but y'all talk about it.
Too many people claim they grew up using y'all.
And also, some of my friends are doing it also, where it's like, we grew up together.
You never said y'all.
I never said y'all growing up, but when I moved to Texas, it's like,
it works better than you guys.
Yeah.
Y'all makes way more sense.
Look, whatever, man.
You deal with it.
You got to fucking deal with that yourself.
How did SJW steal it?
By talking in AA video.
Yeah, they're like, y'all.
And because they're like, and it's gender.
I'll tell you exactly what happened.
Indian women found out about Khan A.
West in their last year of college.
Oh, okay.
And then they then you know they started writing for the new republic yes
they started using y'all and at which point it was ruined yeah i just it is weird anytime anyone starts talking different at 28 yeah it's just come on man what the fuck y'all the whitewashing not even 28 even 28 single yeah
it is truly wild that's and i've made this point before but indian women don't realize that they're based there they're where white guys were in 1991 right you're not like you're not being brought on the team you're fucking like David Faustino.
Yep.
You're Scott Kahn level.
Yep.
Yep.
Yep.
I'm with you, bro.
They're late to the party.
Yeah.
They're late to the pretending to be black party.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
But they're having a good time.
They're Michael Rappaport.
No, but he's an original is what he gets.
Michael Rappaport is.
Michael Rappaport is like the whole thing.
He's an original gangster.
You know, I never met like a poor Jewish person until I moved to the East Coast.
Like Michael Rappaport is Jewish.
That's hilarious.
Which is just so funny.
Every Jewish person I grew grew up with was a doctor or an accountant.
Even the children.
Yeah, the kids.
Yeah, they're also.
No, East Coast definitely has Jew trash.
We never, like, I never met a single person.
I remember the first time I met an Israeli, and I was like, what is happening?
They're scumbags.
Yeah.
And like South Shore Long Island, Jew trash.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, Bolton's got to be that's got to feel terrible to be Jewish and poor.
Yeah.
What's the feel?
It's almost as bad as being white and poor.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But no, it's way worse.
It's so much worse.
It's like, It's like.
It's not even close.
There's so many more white people than Jewish people.
Because imagine you're a Jewish guy.
You go to a place.
You're like,
my family, we don't have any money for food.
And then people are like, oh, you don't have any money for food.
Yeah, okay.
Just go to the bank.
Go to the bank.
Show them your car.
It has your name on it.
It's named after you.
Yeah.
Being Jewish and poor is like being Pete Buddigig, like being gay and swaggless.
There's plenty of gay, swaggless people, dude.
Not enough.
It's like being a woman and not having a big pair of tits.
Yeah, sure.
Being a flat-chest.
You're useless.
I remember there was this one girl.
There's one girl I knew that was so tragically flat-chested.
There was one time we were all hanging out in an apartment, and she was trashed.
And she had, like, I don't know if she did it on purpose or what, but she was like wearing like a loose shirt, and her like titty was, her quote-unquote titty was like completely out.
And literally, no one was paying attention.
Oh, that's brutal.
I'm sorry for you, ma'am, if you're listening.
Yeah.
I will say, I like a small titty as well.
No, but this was like
a straight washboard.
I did grow an appreciate.
I dated a girl with some small titties, but they had a shape still.
A shapely small titty.
A shapely small titty.
And also, I find if they're small, they got all the sensation of a big-ass titty in one little titty.
So if you suck on a titty, they'll go wild.
That's true.
But they're never going to lose composure.
No, they'll lose their composure.
No, but you know what I mean?
Like, with
you, sometimes you're turned on by some big old floppers.
Oh, you mean you don't lose your composure?
No, no, no.
I mean, like, you are turned on by some big old floppers.
I'm listening, I'm sorry.
And then the bra comes off, and they can, like, tuck them into their pockets.
Absolutely.
Oh, I see what you mean.
Ah, man.
Oh, you mean.
I like that because it makes a woman look sort of humble, like, oh, shucks.
She's got them there.
I was wondering if we could maybe be
looking at the ground with with their boobs.
Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe we could fuck or something.
Oh, yeah.
If you don't want it to, she's like kicking the ground while she asks.
Oh, just
throw it, yeah, kicks dirt onto her nipple because it's on the ground.
She kicks her nipple.
No, oh, I should, I forgot to mention, by the way, if you have titties of any size, you should come see me do stand-up comedy this weekend, or actually, I guess New Orleans is this weekend.
And when this comes out, the day this comes out, I'm at the fucking New York Comedy Festival.
And I believe by the time this comes out, I'll have announced that I am filming my first special in Los Angeles at the Lodge Room on December 6th.
There you go.
It's a Monday, come out, buy some tickets.
We'd love to fucking sell that thing out.
And I will be in Atlanta on the 19th, which will be announced by the time this comes out.
Nice.
I'll be in Tampa, dude.
Can I plug some shit?
Of course.
I'm not doing shit
ever again.
That's great.
I would love to be in that position.
Five people said I was dumb for buying a bunch of crypto three years ago.
Now I don't have to fucking work ever again.
That's awesome.
Well, then we should stop the podcast.
This is the last episode, though.
This is last year.
All right.
I'm really happy.
It's been great these slides.
I still need to do my plug.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Let's let Andy plug it in.
No, it's on the show before Andy plugs it.
I'll be at the Philly Punchline November 6th and 7th.
Hell yeah.
Is this coming out before that?
I think Philly Punchline, what's that?
The N-word?
Yeah.
Honestly, dude, it's literally not coming out.
This will be over.
Oh,
you guys aren't even recording this?
No, we're just
like, I use it.
This is coming out.
It's coming out November 10th.
And then I'll be at
Skyline in Appleton 26th and 27th.
There you go.
And then I have a podcast with my wife.
Yeah.
Called Find Your Beach.
Find Your Beach.
Not Find Your Bitch.
You already found your bitch.
We say that a lot.
Nice.
Yeah.
That's awesome.
Like, I found my bitchy woman, and she found her.
Do you still like podcasting, or you do it because you feel like you have to?
I like it, but at the same time, it's like
I don't really like don't, it's not like explosive.
Like, we don't make like a giant Patreon or anything, so sometimes it feels kind of asinine.
So we're just like, you know, plugging away for,
I don't know, yeah, which is like I did it.
I never did this because I wanted to podcast.
I was dying to podcast.
I thought that there would be like a big leap, you know,
I was going going to try to piggyback off of my wife's fame.
Right.
How's it going?
She's got to be horrible.
She's got to get more famous.
I'm doing chores.
That's it.
You know what she should do?
She should try to be in one of these new James Bond movies.
Yeah.
Right.
With her tits out.
That's what she should do.
We'll talk about her mother.
Has she ever thought about being in one of these James Bond movies?
Probably.
Yeah.
She should get the little gun, the fucking what's that thing called?
The Saturday Night Speaker Seven.
VP7, yeah.
She should shoot me in the head while I come.
I mean, you know, it'd be pretty cool if your wife killed you while you were busting inside.
Yeah, that'd be the best way to go.
That is how I'm going to ask her to kill me.
Yeah.
That's the best way, brother.
Ain't nothing finer.
If you love me, you'll do this.
You'll fucking shoot me, whore.
Hey, Ben, you got to do it with the PP7 because that'd be fucking badass.
I'm going to wear a tuxedo.
Yeah.
That would be cool to pretend you're James Bond failing on a mission.
I don't know how I want to die, but whatever it is, I want to have to be publicly fished out of something in front of families.
That'd be great.
Neither, like, some kind of industrial ventilation system.
No, it's got to be like a lake.
A lake or a lake.
I want to be like a small lake, like a small pond in a pond.
Something
trying to ignore it.
I want to pants to the bottom of that fountain in front of Del Frisco's across the street from radio screen.
Yes.
The smallest amount of water possible is the funniest.
But I'm going to set it up when I walk into the fountain like I'm like a Houdini.
Like it'd be like the greatest escape.
Yeah.
And then I just die in front of you.
Then you take a bunch of pills and fucking pass out.
You start foaming at the mouth.
Yeah, yeah.
All these people are like cheering me on, and then I just die and I ruin their vacation.
Yeah, your body's just fucking shaking.
That's really good, Andy.
Yeah, that's awesome.
Yes, yes, yes.
Failing in a David Blaine stunt is the best way to die.
Just everyone watching.
If you get terminal cancer, that's how you got to go.
Oh, yeah.
You got to do something like that.
Yeah.
Try to jump a motorcycle or something.
Just explode.
They're fucking power washing your fucking body off a bus.
It'd be awesome.
Tightrope walk, your first step you slip.
Or you fall off the platform.
You don't even touch the road.
And somehow, like, you fall, but then we have the camera tracking, yeah, you know, like the 9-11 victims coming out of the towers.
But you fall, and your pants get caught.
It comes out, it rips your pants off, and then you're just ass.
Yeah, your ass little ass.
And there's his ass,
and there's his little dick, and there's his ass.
And he's hit the ground.
I'm kind of amazed nobody's done a suicide on Instagram Live, like a jump-off.
I'm sure they have, but it probably gets deleted immediately.
And then it's just on live week.
Yeah, yeah, they should.
I agree with you, dude.
It's got to be.
The thing is, it just has to be bad for the algorithm.
Yeah.
Because if it was good, you know, if that was getting people to buy Crocs or whatever,
we'd see that every fucking day.
That's what you guys need to pivot to that pro-suicide marketing.
Yeah.
That'd be awesome.
Well, this is already a pro-ANA podcast.
We had Snowchair on last week.
What's the last thing?
Nothing tastes like that.
Pro-anorexia.
Nothing tastes like
the skinny feels.
I think everyone should be fat.
I'm actually on, I think I'm on hour 14 in my fast.
No, I'm 16.
Yeah.
You're fasting?
For what?
I just do intermittent.
Oh, nice.
You do eat, stop, eat.
What?
Do you do eat, stop, eat?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I just do eight hours.
Yeah.
But I don't go to the gym anymore.
Nice.
Really?
I can't afford it.
I was going to Equinox.
It was too much.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah.
Have you been to Equinox?
No, but I want to go.
It's so worth it.
100% worth it.
How much is it a month?
$250, $260.
We heard that they have a.
They charge you based on weight.
So if you're
fucked.
But it does sound, it's worth it, though, right?
I would be so nice.
I would go
two days of the week that I would go, I'd go like four days a week.
Two of those days, I would go and just go to the locker room, suck a couple guys off,
steam, shower.
You know Lewis?
You're friends with Lewis, right?
Which one?
Gomez.
I'm not friends with him.
He had like a public feud with Equinox because he kept getting propositioned in the locker room.
That's so funny.
He's like, they keep trying to have fucking gay sex with me and they want to.
Let me eat in the locker room.
It's going to hurt my feelings if not enough guys want to fuck me in there, dude.
Yeah.
There'll be a guy for you.
No, dude, because the guys that want to fuck me aren't at the gym.
Yeah, the one time I was in.
Gym gay guys aren't my kind of gay guy.
But maybe they're the kind of like fit guy that's like, there's got to be a fit guy that's a chubby chest baby.
No, they don't.
No.
I was in a
24-hour fitness in L.A., like, showering, the one that's like next to the arc light.
And they have like, between the showers, they have like smoke, smoked glass.
And the dude next to me in the shower was just jerking off, facing me.
He's like trying to shower.
And I turn, and there's this little Latino guy, just like, I could see his pupils through this mask.
That's so funny.
Hey, surprise.
Hey.
Surprise.
Surprise, yo.
Did you see the jit hit the wall, dude?
No, I bailed.
I should have just been an alpha about it and just turned and jerked off Adam too.
Yeah, yeah.
That would have showed it.
You should have beaten him to death.
This is self-defense.
Yeah, and then you're the bad guy.
Yeah,
and then people start to get mad and like you're faced.
So you beat him to death, and there's a crowd forming in the locker room.
And you're just facing the sink area after you've murdered this man.
And everyone's like, what's wrong with you?
This is homophobic.
But then you turn around and you've put women's makeup on.
Yeah.
Oh,
you were being raimed.
No, you're
and they're like, check me.
Innocent.
And the world turns another day, not guilty.
You're on earth.
Fuck.
Well, that's going to do for us, folks.
Thank you, Andy.
Check out Andy's podcast.
Go see Andy on the road.
And he'll probably Stav and I, wherever we are.
And
big congrats to Sav on the special.
Well, very proud proud of you.
We'll see how I do.
We'll see how it goes.
Who's opening?
I don't know.
All the bitches that show up.
Are you going to be in LA, dude?
You want to do it?
I'm not going to be in LA.
If you find me out, I'll do it.
Maybe.
I would like somebody good to open.
But Jamel's out there.
That's true.
That's true.
Yeah.
Got Melser.
I haven't thought about it, though.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks, guys.
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